I woke up feeling no more rested than I did when I went to sleep. Nor was I in the same position, meaning someone had moved me. I never moved when I was asleep.

I'd been told on more than one occasion it was creepy.

I groaned, rubbing at my eye and popping my neck, Turning to the side, I— "GYAH! Twilight, the fuck?!" —came face to face with a grinning purple muzzle.

She scowled, snorting. "This is a hospital, Jason. You can't scream like that, you'll disturb the other patients!"

I chuckled. "Well I am pretty disturbing, but HEY! Don't change the subject." I glared, causing Twilight to go crosseyed for some reason.

"But...I didn't say anything..."

"Don't question my logic. Why were you watching me sleep?" I sat up, arms crossed. "That's seriously creepy."

She shook her head, righting her eyes before giving a frustrated huff. "It's not creepy, it's science. How else am I supposed to study human sleeping habits?"

Seriously. Fucking. Creepy.

"Whatever. So what's on today's agenda?" I hopped out of bed, quickly wrapping my cloak around my body. All three of my bags hung freely underneath, but hopefully two of them would be gone before nightfall. "Improving public relations? More questions? Burning Equestria to the ground? Getting me some proper clothes?"

"What was that?" She asked, looking genuinely scared.

"Getting some clothes. Do you think Rarity will let me in if you come with me?" I finished tying the cloak around me, tossing the hood up over my head. Twilight's eyes immediately widened.

"Take that off!" She shrieked, wings fluffed out.

I raised my eyebrow. "You know, you're the second mare to say that."

"That cloak's been enchanted, who knows what it's doing to you?!" Huh. She seemed really rattled by something. Did ponies go into heat in the Fall? That would explain it.

"I'll take it off as soon as I have something to put on under it. A shirt, some pants? Shit, I'd settle for a kilt." I tossed the hood back. Maybe that would stop her mammary calamity.

She seemed relieved about something, but no less inquisitive. "What's a kilt?"

I gestured with my hands. "Traditional clothing of Scotland. A long bit of pleated fabric a human wears around the waist, it usually hangs around knee-level."

"You mean like a skirt?"

I immediately ceased all movement, and gave Twilight my flattest, coldest glare. "I kil't the last person who called it a skirt."

Twilight looked taken aback, seriously terrified. It was adorable. I snorted and giggled, ruining the moment. "I'm just kidding, Jesus Christ! You need to lighten up..."

"So you said it was the traditional clothing of Scotland..." She began, "are you from Scotland?"

"Pfft, Hell no!" I grinned, "shit just looks cool."
-----

"Pants, pants, pants, pants, oh Twilight, you have no idea how long I've missed wearing pants!" I pranced down the street, a clearly embarrassed Twilight plodding along beside me.

"Calm down, ponies are staring! And we're not even there yet!" She swatted at me with a wing, which barely grazed my arm. It was easily ignored.

"Twilight..." I crouched down in front of her, until I was nose-to-nose. "I'm talking to a winged purple unicorn that's talking back. I'm in a town full of colorful talking ponies, most of whom barely come up to my belly-button. I've been beaten and thrown out of every restaurant, hotel, and store by creatures I'm pretty sure I could punt over a tall fence." I smiled and patted her head. "Do you seriously think I have a single shred of dignity left? If I wasn't completely nuts when I came here, I sure as hell am now."

"Well I'm a Princess. I need to keep my public image, so calm down." She narrowed her eyes at the pat, pouting until her lower lip pressed further than her nose. She cantered past me, head high and wings flared.

"Mememememememe," I mocked in a high, nasally voice as I followed. Just what I needed...a prissy pony princess. "Aren't you supposed to be the humble, horribly awkward one?"

"What?!" Twilight shouted, dropping all sense of decorum.

I held out one hand and knocked off my index finger. "Celestia is the pure, perfect one," and my middle finger, "Luna is the one that tries to be tough and mysterious but just turns out adorable," ring finger, "Cadence is the ultimate forbidden fruit: Drop-dead gorgeous, kind, and married. That leaves you as the adorkable one. You seduce everyone with your awkwardness."

"I don't seduce anypony!" She hissed, strands of her mane splitting with the sound of snapping violin-strings.

I snorted, covering my mouth with one hand. "Well maybe you should start, you look tense."

"UUUUUUUUGH!!!" She groaned wordlessly, slamming her wings to her sides. "You are impossible! Just...follow me, and please be quiet!"

A quick mock-salute later, and I did as ordered. "Yes ma'am!"
-----

A knock at Rarity's door caused the lounging mare to snort herself awake, mumbling to herself. Slipping off her chaise, she wiped the half-dried drool from her cheek and moved towards the door. "Terribly sorry, but I'm currently closed. Would you mind coming back tomorrow?"

"Rarity, it's me!" Twilight? "It's an emergency, can you please let me in?"

Rarity shook her mane into place, throwing a fluffy white bathrobe over her body and opening the door with her magic. "Come in!" Twilight hopped in, after which Rarity slammed the door shut.

"My fucking nose!"

"What was that?" Rarity swiveled her head around, ears twitching.

"Nothing, nothing!" Twilight grinned, her cheeks tight and strained. If Rarity noticed, she didn't comment.

"So, what's the emergency?" Rarity asked absently, "would you like some tea? I have Earl Neigh, Jasmine, Trottingham Black..." A quick look at Twilight's frazzled state, and she shook her head. "Chamomile...definitely Chamomile."

"No time...Rarity, can I ask you a teensy, itty bitty favor?" Twilight asked, eyes shining and grin strained.

"Now, what kind of friend would I be if I turned away my dear friend in her hour of need?" Rarity set a kettle on her stove, turning back to Twilight with a dainty smile.

"Well...You're the only pony I know with the skill for this, and I'd hate to take advantage of your generosity-"

"Darling, if I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to butter me up. I already said I'd help any way I can, did I not?" Rarity scolded lightly, her smile showing it was all in jest.

Twilight gulped, poking at the floor with a forehoof. "Right...well, I...Uhh...Jason, can you come in?" She called out, looking everywhere but at her friend.

"What." Rarity stated, both expression and tone flat. The doorknob turned, and Jason stepped through the door, stooped slightly to accommodate the small entry. "What."

"I need some good clothes, and some idiot accused you of being the best." He muttered, his previous lighthearted, immature demeanor nowhere to be found.

"I know it's asking a lot," Twilight started, "but...Jason, what happened to your nose?!"

He was glaring at nothing in particular, constantly wiping away a small trickle of blood from his red, swelling nose. "Some crazy bitch slammed her door in my face."

"Language!" Rarity squawked, a hoof to her chest and a scandalized expression on her face.

"Well, whoever it was, I'm sure they're very sorry." Twilight hissed through clenched teeth, her forced smile twisted almost out of recognition.

"Meh, I'll get her back later." He turned to Rarity. "So can you do it?"

Rarity forced a smile eerily similar to Twilight's, her cheek and both eyes twitching with the strain. "Any friend of Twilight's is a...friend...of mine. Now quick, off the carpet!" She ushered Jason through the boutique, towards a well-hidden bathroom in the back of the building. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get blood out of carpet?" She shuddered, using her magic to shove a wadded-up ball of toilet-paper into Jason's hand. "Now hold that to your nose until the bleeding stops."

Jason silently complied, wincing at the pressure. "At least it's not broken..." I think.

Rarity gave a vague hum of agreement before asking, "so, what did you have in mind?"

"Just a couple shirts, nothing fancy." Jason tapped his chin with his free hand, narrowing his eyes in thought. "And some-"

"Skirts!" Twilight blurted, a positively evil grin on her furry mug. "Pleated, isn't that what you said, Jason?"

"Bitch, I will eat-"

"Language!" Rarity reprimanded, snorting and giggling. "I'm sure I can come up with something..." And with that, she was gone.

Jason slowly turned to Twilight, a perfectly neutral expression on his face. "I hate you...so much right now."

"Somepony needed to teach you.," Twilight snickered, following Rarity.

Author's Notes:

And so Twilight has begun escorting Jason through Ponyville, hopefully to start turning his reputation around. Will it work? Is he sane enough to handle it?

Will Jason ever get his pants?

Will the ride ever end?

And mood-swings!