At the moment, a cataclysmic event is on the horizon. A cosmic force is unbalanced, and will cause something catastrophic, the outcome of which will alter the universe in countless unimaginable ways.

At least I wish it was, I’m bored out of my skull. All I have to do is sit on this bench, armlessly waiting for something to happen. I think about what Rainbow Dash was talking about, how I should be ‘courting’ Myrna. I honestly don’t see why I’d need to do anything of the sort, especially not what Rainbow suggested. I get the feeling that she’s never actually had a boyfriend before.

But something does have to happen with Myrna and I, though what it is I haven’t the slightest idea. I’ve never actually been with a girl, that thing with Pinkie was... nothing like it should be. I really just had to get it out of my system. How come I only know what it shouldn’t feel like though? Even discarding the whole gorgon thing, I still don’t understand women.

I’ve had tons of lady friends on Earth, but never a romantic partner. Being friends is so much easier, and I just never bothered with trying because they were my friends and at that point, gender just stopped being important. Now here in this new world, I have a chance... two chances in fact. I mean, I suppose Anne is available as well, but for now I’ll focus on the girl who’s openly admitted interest in me.

I wouldn’t mind being with Myrna, I really do like her and she likes me... so what next? What do couples do? Spend time together? We can just do that as friends. All the usual stuff I can think of is just stuff I’d do with any of the ponies around here. I suppose I could kiss her or something, but then there’s her teeth. Just one mental image and I immediately don’t want any part of me near her mouth.

Oh man I am so bored!

With a sigh I change my position and lay down on the bench staring up at the sky. There’s really nothing to do today. Not even the distant sounds of something being broken due to the overzealous efforts of the Crusaders, because they finally chose something that involves no noise or movement at all.

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m currently missing my arms, I’d wish for something to attack the town or something. Supposedly there’s millions of demons out there, and yet I’ve seen only one. I wonder why this place isn’t demon-central anyway. With a nice, kind, happy place like this, corrupting even a small part of this world would give serious ‘Evil Points’. Not to mention Fluttershy being around makes the Ponyville area a huge target.

But there aren’t any more demons. Why? Is it hard to get here or something? If one could make it, what’s stopping the rest of those infernal psychopaths? Are we just lucky, or is it something else? One thing I do know, these ponies are relatively defenseless. They just aren’t conditioned to fight off this kind of evil. These beasts don’t reason, they don’t rest, they just kill and kill and kill, all for the sole purpose of being stronger, able to kill more efficiently.

And then there’s me. I’m supposed to protect the ponies from the evil monsters... but I’m not what I’d expect a great demon-killing warrior to look like. I don’t have any legendary armor or holy weapons, not even a bit of chainmail. Sure I have amazing powers, but in the end, I’m just as mortal as anyone else.

Hmm... maybe I can change that. I wonder if there’s a smith in town, and if not if I can get some sort of armor made for me. If Rarity could whip up clothes for me in an hour, I’m sure a master armorsmith of some kind could fix me up with some armor. I wonder what they use in place of leather armor? Or do they use leather, as apparently some earth ponies eat red meats?

One way or another, I want something that will let me walk around without sounding like I’m banging pots together. Hide armor would be a good way to go... if they have it. Who would I talk to find armor? Or, for that matter, where to find someone who can find me armor?

Possibly one of the princesses. They obviously outfit their guards with armor that’s not just for show when required, and someone has to make it... though, if they work with lighter materials is still unknown... oh well, if I have to, I could just find a way to affix some light metal to my clothes or something.

Figuring I might as well ask around Ponyville, I get up and wander around, looking for a pony that might know what I’m looking for. Okay, point in the favor of Cutie Marks, finding certain ponies by profession or skill is really darn easy.

Shooting star, roller skate, ice cream sundae, bow and arrow, grapes, cupcake, dice, snowflake, bowling pin, dragonflies, coffee mug, book, chemistry beaker, paint brush, baby bottle, pawprints, violin, typewriter, leaf, safety pin, telescope, apple core... the heck?

After wandering in circles around the town hall for a half an hour, I realize I’ve only been in the general area around each of the elements of harmony’s stomping grounds, and pretty much nowhere else in Ponyville. Oh, and Sweet Apple Acres, and the market. And the spa. That’s about it.

I need to get out more...

I see a pony with a cutie mark of a trio of horseshoes. Eh, close enough. I go up to him and ask about a smithy. He points me towards the sign hanging over the market stall he’s working, and I see that it’s labeled ‘Shoes, Pots, and Spoons.’ Huh.

“So, I’m looking for something to wear for a bit of protection, anyone like that here in Ponyville?”

“Er, not really. The few things that miss Rarity enchants are usually really durable, but I think that’s a side-effect.” he tells me. “Most of the big-name armorers live in places like Manehattan, Chickago, or Los Pegasus. If you want custom work, which I’m sure you do, you’ll need to go to Canterlot. And those guys’ll charge a leg and an eye for their work.”

“Alright, well thanks anyway.” I walk off and figure I’d wait until I got my arms back before making a trip anywhere outside of town. I might have a solution to the money issue, as I recall some bank offer or whatever in one of the fan letters I got. If the deal’s still good I should be set for something at least decent.

But that’ll have to wait for tomorrow. Missing my arms is really just a minor inconvenience. It just allows me a viable excuse to procrastinate. I head back to the library to look through the old fan mail. I figured I’d keep the ones with special offers in a drawer for later use. I get to the giant tree and I walk in, Twilight saying hi, looking up from a book she’s reading. She really needs to find something else to entertain her. Reading’s nice and all, but the lack of exercise makes her look slightly pudgy... but apparently that’s sexy here.

Why? I mean, I don’t have anything against fat chicks, but usually there’s some obvious reason that has to do with them being horses... but horses are supposed to be super athletic, right? Wouldn’t that make a pony like AJ or Rainbow be the most eligible bachelorettes? I just shrug the thought off and head up to my room. Now how do I open the drawer?

I figure that since ponies don’t have fingers, using my teeth wouldn’t be considered completely disgusting... so that’s an open drawer. Unfortunately, my head can’t fit in the drawer, so now I have to get them out...

“Hey, Anthony, what’re you up to?” Twilight called from the main room.

“Just looking for something. I’m fine.” I’m just stumped... hmmm...

“If you need help, don’t worry about asking, I’d be happy to help my friend in his time of need.”

“I’m independant, damnit!” Just because I don’t know what I’m doing doesn’t mean I can’t think of something. I don’t need a help from a pony, I can do this myself!

“Jeez, Anthony, I was just offering to help! Just because you’re learning a lesson doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly...” Twilight’s speech subsided into grumblings and angry-sounding mutterings.

I don’t need help, I can do this without arms. I go through my options. I lay down on my back and place my feet on the sides of the drawer and pull it out, the drawer clattering to the floor. Now all I have to do is find the letter I’m looking for.

“I heard something hit the floor, are you alright?” Twilight yells.

“Of course I’m alright, I’m making progress!”

“Progress? Or a mess?”

“Who cares if my room is a mess?”

“But it’s inefficient!” Twilight says, drawing out the last word into a whine.

“Says you, I can manage just fine. All I need now is to sort through these and find what I’m looking for.” I roll over and use the edge of my shoe to separate the letters. But it seems that, during the fall, most of them have flipped upside-down. Crap.

I can do this, I just don’t know how. I don’t need arms or Twilight, I just need an idea... And then I get one. I kick off my shoes and socks, and start generating electricity through my feet. Rubbing the soles of my electrified feet together, I start my attempt to replicate static cling.

Six mighty feedback jolts later, my aching feet manage to stick a letter. Then, I run into another problem: My feet don’t bend the right way to bring the letter where I can read it.

“Goddamnit!!”

“Uh... are you sure you don’t need help?” Twilight asks, and I turn to see that she’s in the doorway, looking at me with concern on her face. Fie on her concern! I’d shake a fist at her if I had one right now!

“Yes, I just need a new plan!”

“Uh...” Twilight looks at the dozen or so papers now stubbornly clinging to my feet and legs. “If you insist...” she slowly backs out of the room, looking at me incredulously the entire way.

I stand up, the paper crinkling. I lift up my foot and place it on the edge of the bed. I successfully slide the paper off, but I also lose my balance and fall backward, the air of my fall causing the letter to flutter into the air and land on my face. Aaand now it’s stuck.

I groan. “Twilight... you still there?” I moan out, my ego completely destroyed at this point.

“Yes? Are you alright, Anthony?” Twilight sounds hopeful, though I can’t tell if that’s because she hopes I’m injured or hopes I’m asking for help. Maybe both. Probably both.

“Help. Please.” I hang my covered face and just wait for assistance.

I feel myself become weightless, and open my eyes to see the letters flutter into neat stacks. I’m set on the bed, and a painful tingling sensation crawls through my arms. My arms!

I sigh. With a bit of shaking, I manage to wake up my arms and remove the pins and needles sensation, at least partially. “Thanks, Twilight...”

“You’re welcome. And you can consider this a lesson; sometimes, helping a friend is more important than ‘teaching them a lesson’ about something they have. Also, this is payback for putting ice-cream in my bed four months ago.”

“What? But I didn’t, I swear! I wouldn’t waste perfectly good ice cream on a prank!”

“Spike told me you planned with him about it!”

“Twilight... are a dragon’s scales durable enough to withstand being kicked at least twenty feet in the air?”

“Probably... why?”

“You’re a smart pony, figure it out.”

“Hey, just because he told on you, doesn’t mean you need to pick on him.”

“And yet I don’t recall doing anything so callously irresponsible with a perfectly good dessert. Now that leaves only the other person who knows it happened, and sleeps in your room.”

“Wait, are you saying that Spike did it, and then blamed it on you?”

“Yes.”

Twilight face-hoofs. “I need to stop letting him hang out with Rainbow Dash. She is such a bad influence on kids sometimes.” I shake my head sagely.

Next Chapter: Chapter 90 Estimated time remaining: 22 Hours, 18 Minutes