So, since I’ve nothing better to do, I decide that I should at least see about this ‘Shopping’ thing these Canterlot ponies are so enthralled with.

I walk down to the biggest mall I can find and just walk in. I decide to at least get a laugh by going to some clothes shops and asking if they have anything in my size, as if they carried outfits for humans. Then I act shocked that they don’t have human clothes and call them racists. It got two confused looks, one scared, and three “I am not amused by your antics.” remarks.

I notice a bookstore and decide to check out the older literature section. One book catches my eye and I wince. Travels in Wunderland, by Blueish Carol. There are a few more. The Collected Bestiary of Wunderland and Lookinglass Gates; a Brief Explanation of Portals.

I move on to another group in the same section. What I find is not much better.

MacIntosh, Midsummer Night's Dreamwalking, Two Gentlecolts of Veroinka and Rome-Orange and Applette.

Who are these written by? A stallion named Spear Shaker.

O Equestria, thy foolish wordplay doth infuriate my soul. How glorious 'twould be if you could see thy humorless attempts at comedy, lest I would not wish a thousand perils to befall thy lands, and to gouge out mine eyes with a gardening rake.

I check out some of the books. Of course it’s pretty much the same, but there are some major differences that make them a lot lighter. For one, the Romeo and Juliet mockery has some alicorn of love come in and magically revive the couple after they’ve committed suicide. First of all, have you no guts? Let them die. Secondly, alicorn of love? This belongs in the children’s fiction section.

Hoping Blueish Carol fares better, I crack open Travels in Wunderland. Given what a strange fictitious place Wonderland was already, it’s not that bad, but there’s something bugging me. It’s not terribly different from Lewis’ book, and in a magical land like Equestria, this ‘Wunderland’ place doesn’t sound that far-fetched. I decide to buy it.

I head to the counter at the front and there’s an old pony at the register. I hand him the book. “Blueish Carol? Nopony’s had any interest in these books for ages... You are strange, sir, but you give me hope.” I thank the stallion and leave.

I continue to the toy section of the mall and I don’t believe what I see. This is like a children’s paradise! There are all kinds of toys and they’re just out in the open! No packaging, no glass walls, the toys are just out there for someone to pick up and play with! Then I notice that there are building blocks. Tons upon tons of building blocks. Adorable stuffed animals of various colors and sizes. There’s a huge closet of any sort of costume and prop imaginable and a small stage with various backdrops. Hula hoops, frisbees, a complete arsenal of soft dart and water guns, a giant ball pit, there’s so much stuff here it’s incredible. I notice that the only ponies around here are just a bunch of fillies and colts. Not a single adult around. At least, none I can see.

I shed a single tear, for I have found the Promised Land.

I sit atop my beanbag chair throne, holding my plastic scepter and wearing a crown of the finest polished aluminum. I sit in front of my subjects, all stuffed with straw and cotton. My impenetrable fortress made of wooden blocks, is stronger than the hardest styrofoam, and I rule my land of all things plastic and made in china. Or whatever the Equestrian equivalent of China is. Whatever.

I watch as interlopers dare to take down my kingdom, and I pull out my mighty crossbow, my shots flying true, hitting all of my foes and I watch as they scream and writhe in pain...

The foals get up and load their own dart guns with the ammunition I hit them with. We play like this until all the foals are taken home by their mothers. Doesn’t matter, I can still continue. Then the store lights begin to go out and a stallion approaches me.

“Sir, the mall is closing, I’m afraid you are going to have to leave before we lock up for the night.”

“None can take down Castle Blockfort! By my decree, thy shall be smitten!”

“Sir, please, we need to lock up.”

“Brave knight Sir Fluffles, defend your kingdom from the oppressors!” I proceed to throw a stuffed cat at the stallion’s hooves, and he lets out a sigh.

“Your majesty must go home to sleep. Castle Blockfort will still be here when you get back.”

“Awwwwwww...”

Next Chapter: Chapter 34 Estimated time remaining: 30 Hours, 43 Minutes