I open my eyes, wrapped up in the blankets, resting on my arm while clutching the pillow in the crook of my elbow. I look around for a clock, but the one I see is analog. Damnit, too early to count... can’t these guys just invent a digital clock already?

Looking at the hands, I’d say it’s about... 7:20. With a bit of self-convincing, I worm my way out of bed and stand up, falling back onto the bed. C’mon legs... move. Please? Eh whatever...

It takes about an eternity, but my body finally agrees to move and I walk out into one of the many hallways in the castle. I trudge along not really paying attention where I’m going and come across another idle server and give him my first request of the day. “Breakfast.”

“What would you like, sir Anthony?”

“Food.” This answer seems good enough and I’m led to another room and it seems some cooks have been working on a meal even before I got up. And by meal, I mean like a six course buffet. For one person.

Jeez, does Celestia actually eat like this every day? Why the hell isn’t her ass bigger than the Death Star? The thought is pushed away quickly by the scent of buttered waffles and hot oatmeal so I decide eating is top priority.

After I’ve eaten my way through a cheese omelette about twice the size of my head, I feel ready to burst so I stop, leaving about two-thirds of the original spread untouched. Rather than let it go to waste, I offer the help a chance to have whatever they want and head off to the throne room feeling very full, but also warm and happy. And a teensy bit tired. With a stretch and a groan I sit down on the throne. Man, this is really not as comfy as it looks.

“Uh... your ‘highness’?”

“Huh, whuzzat? I didn’ do nothin’.”

“You fell asleep, sir.” One of the ponies at the side says, and I realize that she’s right.

“Do I have your attention? Good. Let me get to the point.” The pony in front of me, a grey stallion, unicorn of course, in rather business-like but still fancy attire addresses me. “My name is Sharp Pitch, and I have a proposition for you, your highness.”

“What do you think you could offer me?” No really, what could this pony I don’t know and don’t have anything in common with suggest that would get my attention?

“A longer ruling period for one. I’m sure you like your current position, right?”

“Sure I guess.”

The stallion grins. “I’m sure you do. It has come to my attention that your methods of dealing with... troublemakers is much more impacting. The rich beggars and the thieving lowlifes don’t get away with anything they try to pass by you, you call them out on their lies and inflict immediate punishment, something the princesses never did. I think you would keep the less reputable members of Equestria in line and do a fine job. But in order to be taken seriously, you’d have to be in charge like you are now... but for a bit longer.”

“You’re saying I should try and be king of Equestria for longer... How long exactly?”

“As long as you like, milord! After all, if you are king, there would be much stricter punishments, and while Celestia may be able to do the same, she rarely does and this gives the nobles more opportunity to cheat and steal to increase their wealth beyond appropriate amounts.”

“So you’re saying... I should overthrow Celestia, take her place and rule Canterlot, and Equestria as a whole by extent, the way I want to, passing judgement and being as harsh as I feel necessary to control the more devious members of the land?”

“I will offer my help in the matter of course, I have connections, strings I could metaphorically pull to get most of the more important ponies to agree that you would do a better job, and you could be appointed king properly in a few weeks.”

Hmmmmm... “And what do you get out of this?”

“I merely wish to be your aide, your second-in-command as it were. You would still have authority over me of course, and I would be unable to do anything against your wishes, but I seriously think this country could do a lot better being run by pon- people with street smarts, rather than being treated as royalty for ages, having no idea what the world really looks like outside these castle walls.”

“You make an enticing offer, Mr. Pitch.” Sharp grins happily. “I might even take you up on it, if it weren’t for a few things.”

His smile falters. “And... what are those? I’m sure you’d have no trouble being appointed-”

“This offer of yours would only work if I well and truly wanted to be king for longer. I don’t have the experience Celestia or Luna have. I could pass judgement and rewrite the rules, but I know nothing of actually running a country. Personally, I’d appoint that to someone who has been alive for many centuries and knows what she is doing.”

“Please, I doubt ruling a country would be that difficult for you, sire-”

“Also, if I really wanted to overthrow Celestia, I could do it just fine all by myself and I wouldn’t need your help at all, so accepting your deal would do nothing more than put you higher on the command chain, no real benefit to me. Finally, if you honestly think that betrayal is among one of the many vices I indulge myself in, you are horribly mistaken.” I turn to the scribe. “Hopefully you’ve been writing all this down. I would like this given to Celestia and Luna when they get back or right away, your choice. Guards, open a window.”

“Sir, rethink this. In my desired position, I could pull enough strings for you to live however you want, have all the money in the land and any mare you desire!” Really? That’s his offer? I quirk an eyebrow. “O- or stallions if you prefer, that’s not a problem.”

I walk up to the sleazeball of a pony and grab him by the tail. A few moments later I’m dangling him out the previously opened window. “This is me taking care of greedy dirtbags the way I think they deserve. You say you have street smarts. Give me one good reason, and your ‘smarts’ will be all over the street.”

“L- let me go!” I quirk the other eyebrow. “Pull me inside and let me go!”

“Fine, Celestia and Luna can decide what to do with you for outright treasonous intent. For the record, I’d give you the Catherine Wheel.”

“Catherine Wheel? What’s that?”

“Worse than being dropped out this window to land on the ground and become street pizza. Get the picture?”

“Y- yes, yes!”

I pull Sharp back in and let him go. “You will be escorted home by three guards who will take note of your address so the princesses can deal with you later. If you try anything, the guards are given permission to stab you.”

“Stab me?”

“They have spears, you expect them to just kick you? I’d suggest you either go home and await your punishment for treason, or run away and never come back. Your choice. Guards, take him home.”

Once the idiot is led out of the throne room, one of the ‘royal advisors’ or whatever this one’s position is, comes over to me. “And... exactly what is this... Catherine Wheel?”

“Tie someone to a large horizontal wheel. Then you spin them around and bludgeon their limbs until they all break and are useless. Then leave the victim, tied up and mutilated, to die.”

The various ponies in the room gasp. “That’s horrible!”

“Nah the ‘Brazen Bull’ is horrible.”

“What’s... nevermind. I don’t want to know.”

“You catch on fast. So, anyone else want to meet with me today?”

“Ummm, none with appointments, sir.”

I sigh. “This job sucks. It’s either doing nothing or dealing with whiners.” Everyone stays silent and returns to whatever they think they ought to be doing.

After a bit of time, Discord pops in. “I heard you’d gotten a promotion. So ‘king’ Anthony, what are your plans for this place? I was thinking something along the lines of a new form of precipitation. Perhaps change the consistency of gold to something more brittle and watch as the nobility breaks their precious fortunes like eggshells?”

“Heh, nah. Though this castle interior could definitely use some redecoration.” The guards look rather nervous. “Come on Discord, let’s get to work!”

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