“So what ingenious plan have you concocted?” I say, sitting down next to Twilight, a mug of cocoa I made myself in my hand. “How do we get rid of the clones, and what about the real Pinkie?”

“Fun!”

“Well, I’m very sure these are just magical constructs. Sort of... summoned echoes of Pinkie Pie. I hope wherever she is, she’s alright. We’ll want to figure out who’s creating them and why, but I think we can simply round them up and start destabilizing them. Assuming the real Pinkie isn’t already free and hiding among them, it should be perfectly safe. We’ll need to devise a method of sorting them out... like having them all watch paint dry or something, something only Pinkie could do if-”

“Twilight, do you have any idea how stupid you are being right now?” I glare at the unicorn.

“Wh- but it’s just-”

“It’s a test that demands the survivor be someone who is not excitable, perfectly calm and collected and doesn’t mind not expending energy. You do this kind of test, and the only thing that will win would be a failed clone that doesn’t act like Pinkie. You are suggesting we pick out whatever Pinkie you want, not the real one.”

“Uhm... well... Yeah... but I was only, erm, throwing out ideas, I mean, the drying paint thing, it, uh, wasn’t my main plan, or anything...” I see Twilight attempt to subtly push a can of paint behind her.

“You make me sick.”

Twilight just goes on, blatantly trying to change the subject. “Uhm, anyways, from what I can tell, the clones just have portions of her personality and memories, these clones are sort of... washed out? Well, I’d need more samples to be sure, but considering this one was just like the rest, and I doubt you want to go back out there...”

“So what we need is a way to test them thaumically. Surely they can’t all be exactly like Pinkie on every level besides mental, right? There has to be some way to sift them out and find the real one, right? Like a test that makes sense and filtering out the losers as you suggested.”

“Uhm, we’d need to find something that she wouldn’t do, but the clones would. Something we know she wouldn’t do. I’m not sure of the limits on that, though...”

“Well... I have a few ideas of what she wouldn’t do, but they are situations hard to force someone into, and assuming at least the basic moral capabilities aren’t lost on the clones either, it wouldn’t work.”

“Well, what method would you suggest, then?”

“The one I was just speaking of was a simple morality test, but it could go wrong pretty quickly. Not to mention it’s not that hard to pass and could only be failed if you were totally without morals or capable of any sort of foresight. The test is you have a knife and you are shackled to a wall. If you stab someone to death, you are let go. The way to ‘pass’ is to refuse to kill them and accept your chained fate, proving you are emotionally capable of caring for others.”

“Uhm... you’re assuming two things... one, that the clones don’t have morals, and two, if they all do, then what? Or even just some? And what about whoever is the potential victim? What if a moral-less clone decides to just move faster than we anticipate and does it? Would I be-”

“And those are reasons I’ve already considered and are why I decided we shouldn’t use that test. It is an option, but again, not the exact situation for it. So we need a more... harmless plan that involves something a clone would do, but Pinkie wouldn’t. Of course, most of the things that leap to mind that she absolutely would never do involves causing pain of some kind.”

“Well, we could try finding, uhm... Idunno. Most of the methods for unsummoning are, ah, hazardous to the health of normal, living beings.”

“And you don’t have a better way? Your best plan is zap them and hope we only hit the right ones?”

“Well, again, we’d want to find some form of sorting them. I mean, I know how to unsummon them, it’s not even a very taxing spell, but if I accidently hit a real pony with it...” Twilight shudders at the thought.

“Hello murder charge. Yeah, I get it. So how can we sort them? What kind of test is simple enough for them to take? I mean... they are kinda stupid.”

“Well, you’ve said that you and Pinkie broke up-”

“Not exactly, but yeah?”

“Well, maybe you could basically set up a kissing booth. The ones that take the chance are obviously clones, but the real Pinkie wouldn’t take the bait!” Twilight beams at me.

“This is assuming I’d do something like that. No.” Although... “I have an idea.”

Twilight hesitantly reaches out verbally. “Uhm... is it a good idea? You have your ‘I’m going to give a bad idea now’ face on.”

“I have no such face! This is a very good idea. A memory test. A test of things only Pinkie Pie could know, questions getting harder and harder as it goes on. The real one should find it pretty easy compared to the others who would only be able to give rough guesses.”

“Well, some of them might get the right answers, we don’t know how complete some of their memories might be... but that’s the best method we have right now. At the least, it should reduce the number of Pinkies in town.”

“So you guys have known her longer, so you can write the test. I’ll add one or two, but it’ll mostly be you.”

“Oh- ah, alright. W-wow... me? Writing a test? This... is it hot in here?” Twilight begins fanning herself with a hoof, and I swear she’s blushing.

“If the prospect of being in the teacher’s desk for once turns you on, I’ll just keep you out of this...”

“N- no!” her voice is rather squeaky, and she sounds out of breath. This is very entertaining... and a little bit gross. “No. I can do this. I’ve just, ah, never given a test before. Ooh, this’ll be great!”

“And entirely about things Pinkie would know. Not things you know. Keep that in mind.”

“Right. I can do this. Whoo... and can you open a window? It’s really stuffy down here.”

“We’re next to the balcony of the town hall. The walls are mostly open windows...”

“R-right, forgot this isn’t the basement... can you open another window, please?” She smiles at me, attempting puppy-dog eyes. Damn those eyes...

I pick her up and place her down a few feet away, outside where the wind makes it noticeably cooler but not uncomfortably so. “Need a blankie too? How about your teddy bear?”

“Smarty Pants is not a bear!”

“Who?”

“Ah, nopony. No. Anyways, I’ll get started, you go find something to do. Like not getting seen by the clones. Go! I have work to do.” She turns to a large stack of paper she levitates over, and begins dipping a quill in ink. Man, she needs a typewriter. Not to mention a boyfriend.

I walk downstairs to the entrance hall, and sit down, scooting my chair away from any windows. Wonder what Twilight will put on the test? Now that I think of it, writing it requires knowing Pinkie. Aside from me, Twilight’s known Pinkie the least amount of time of all of us. I get the rest of the Element Bearers together. Once I explain the test, I send the four of them up to add questions.

Clark walks over to me after they leave. “So, think the test will work? And what, exactly, are these things? They’re too dumb to be changelings, and just a little too exaggerated. Frankly, it stinks of someone cocking up an attempt at omnipresence.”

“...Aw shit. This is all my fault.” I facepalm, and hang my head.

“You... tried to gain omnipresence by cloning Pinkie Pie?” Clark scoffs. “That’s easily the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

“No no, Pinkie was worried about not being ‘there’ for people when they needed help, I explained how that was impossible, and she asked what ‘omnipresence’ meant and how it could be done. That was, like, a month ago.”

“Huh... wait, around the time you got tangled with that twister? Man... what has Pinkie been doing, stocking up on Paranoia one-ups?”

“Nah, the twister was Rainbow Dash, and she was in... trouble that led to the twister. Pinkie was going nuts because she wanted to hear from her all day, so after the event where she was pushed to nearly kill us, she wanted to somehow be everywhere so she could always be helpful.”

“I, uh, meant that... uhm, in the game Paranoia, your extra lives are clones. I was trying to make the situation a little humorous. Forgot you never gamed.”

“I did too, I just prefer the more famous franchises. New attempts can bomb so badly. Heck, even Sonic ‘06 wasn’t as bad as Quantum Conundrum.”

“Dude... Paranoia was a classic RPG. Like, paper and pencil. Jeez, how can you call yourself a geek?”

Says the guy who can currently punch up demons like it’s nothing. Jock. “Anyway, now we wait for the test to be done. Then we round up the Pinkies and have them take it. If they know Pinkie as well as I think they do, it should be impossible for a clone to pass... as long as Twilight doesn’t make it all multiple choice and every answer is ‘C’.”

“Actually, most girls prefer to choose the ‘D’ option. Every innuendo intended.”

“Hey at least I have a pair of girls I could give mine to... speaking of which, have you seen Myrna or Anne since the apinkalypse began?”

“Not Myrna, but Anne was flying out towards the Everfree, last I saw. That was actually shortly before the first fuzzy mass attempted to abduct Fluttershy and I out of bed.”

“Huh, hope she’s alright. I mean, the Everfree isn’t nearly as bad as the ponies say, but she could still get lost and all.”

“Eh, she’s been heading out there every couple of days anyways. Mostly on the evenings I’m actually sleeping in the house.”

“Yeah, I talked with her about that. She’s got a sort of problem with demons and you kinda... bring back memories or something. I forget what she said, but I know it isn’t you directly.”

“Understandable. Plus, y’know, I’ve kinda woken her by accident several times. Loud noises and all.”

“Uh... huh.” Our conversation is interrupted by a loud “We’re done!” from Applejack, the rest of them coming down the stairs with bundles of the tests. It seems that each test is four pages long. Well, it should only be a problem if the test taker can’t answer some of them, which just makes it easy to tell a clone.

Twilight, carrying a thicker test which I notice is a ‘teacher’s guide’ version of said test, comes up to me. “So the plan is we all go around and do whatever we can to round up the Pinkies in here for the test. You... probably should just stay here. Out of sight.”

“Gotcha.” I nod to her.

Well, we got all the Pinkies grouped in here, a few ‘stragglers’ being brought in late. Once the purpose of the test is explained, it’s handed out to the mass. The amount of Pinkies is a lot... less when they aren’t all piling on top of each other and spread out.

“Hey. Hey Dash.” Hearing my ‘shouted’ whisper, she comes over. “You sure this is all of ‘em?”

“Yeah, I looked everywhere four times, I even picked up a really depressed-looking one.”

“Defective clone, or real Pinkie you think?”

“De- Duf- Bad one, for sure. I’ve never seen Pinkie like that, even after the tornado incident in November.”

“Why not just send it back now?”

“Eh, Twilight said there should be an equal chance for everypony. I think this test thing has gone to her head.”

“Not to mention her tail.”

Rainbow Dash lets out a loud guffawing laugh. “Oh man, you did not just say that!”

“Well when you start blushing like crazy and want a window opened on the balcony...” Rainbow Dash and I end up snickering like a pair of junior highers. “By the way, I wanted to ask. Who’s Smarty Pants?”

Rainbow Dash grins evilly and draws me closer. “Oh, you’re gonna love this one.” Next Chapter: What measure is a Nonpony? Estimated time remaining: 7 Hours, 19 Minutes