Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

Chapter 113

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Chapter 113

I wake up with a yawn, the sun streaming gently into the room. I blink owlishly at the sleeping figure next to me and smile. Ever since the wedding, Twilight’s been sleeping so peacefully, and actually doing so at night. I can’t help myself, and I simply snuggle closer, catching a few more Z’s next to my favorite being in all of creation. Her fur is so warm and fluffy against my bare skin, and it just makes me feel... good all over. Just the general feeling of having her close is a comfort.

Nearly an hour later, we both finally start getting up, me dressed in my suit and her in her usual housedress. Together, we pranced to the breakfast table; an old joke between us. We sit down and eat a hearty breakfast of oats, daisy sandwiches, fruit, and other things. Such as a steak. It is delicious.

Then, it’s time for us to spend our day, which of course, must commence with us repeating our marriage vows in front of Cadence, because we loved each other too much to ever forget it, and we needed the other to know it, each day of our lives.

This is the point where I look down, just about to kiss my dearest beloved wife, and realize that I’m naked at the altar!

Shrugging, I simply stop caring, and the problem is no more. Now to go back to kissing my schmoopy-doopy lovey-poo.

Our lips meet and-

I open my eyes and I hear a loud, continuous noise. I then realize it’s me and I’m screaming. Why wouldn’t I be!?

“Holy mongoose in a monster truck! What the fuck just happened?” I look around and I see Twilight standing next to me. “If you even touch me right now, I swear I will drive a nail through your forehead!”

Everypony in the room steps away from me, and I realize I’ve come to my feet and am now pointing a finger accusingly at Twilight like it’s a loaded gun.

“Okay... everybody better tell me what the heck happened just now, or I am going to flip out!”

“Uhm, you already are, Anthony.” Cadence says, quietly.

“I don’t care! Tell me what just happened and why I just saw the reason Dante was too scared to write down the final circle of Hell!”

“What? You just sort of collapsed when Mr. Light mentioned marriage.” Cadence says, Twilight off in a corner now, being comforted by Shining Armor. Twilight’s parents are nowhere to be seen. “You were out for no more than, maybe, ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes waaaaaay too long! I don’t even want to remember what I saw. Seriously, can you use your fancy magic and poof up a jug of brain bleach? That’d be great.”

“Of what?” The pink pony princess asked.

“Brain bleach. A sadly fictional liquid you drink to completely erase your mind of all thoughts and memories. Let’s just say that I just had the worst experience of my life, and I am glad I didn’t really experience it.”

“Wh- what would- how could anything be that bad?” Cadence demands, sounding utterly horrified.

“I dreamed I was actually married to Twilight!” I honestly barely managed to fight back my gag reflex.

Cadence starts, hooves up to her mouth with glee. “Oh, that’s so adora-”

I cut her off. “No. No it wasn’t. It was awful, and dreadful, and so ‘ful’ of other things that I can’t think of the other words I want to use right now.” That got her to shut up. I take a few deep breaths. “So, I’m not married? To anyone in general?”

“Well, you don’t have a ring or anything. Unless I’m mistaken, I’m fairly sure you are single.”

“I have never been so glad to hear that.”

“So...” Shining addresses me. “What’s the problem? Any particular reason you wouldn’t marry my little sister?”

“For one, she’s a pony, that’s a big one right there. I’d say we’re pretty much incompatible from just that.”

Cadence spoke up. “But... plenty of ponies marry other species. Sure it’s not-”

“No. I am a human, and I am not going to get with anything that’s not at least mostly human as well. In fact, explaining that to Equestria as a whole was my entire reason for coming to Canterlot.” I turn to leave. “Tell Night Light and Stars that if they want their daughter to get laid, she’d have better chances with a Rahkshi.”

Twilight looks up, very confused and somewhat insulted.“A what?”

“Nothing you’d find in any of your books. I’m going to see about my little Disinterest Speech.”

Luckily it seems that the journalists had done a good job of spreading my desire to speak to all of Equestria. Once I told Celestia I was going to give my speech, it didn’t take long for most of Canterlot to show up.

I looked down at them, murmuring and speculating with each other. All talking amongst themselves, not even one of them was even looking at me as far as I could tell. I was going to have to shout to get them all to hear me.


My voice definitely got the crowd’s attention.

A lot of you ponies seem to think I am in a relationship with the princesses, or any ponies at all. I’m here to inform all of Equestria that these rumors are as far from the truth as possible. To clarify for all you gossip-hounds, I am not interested and never will be interested in having a pony as a romantic partner. Those of you who sent me letters asking for sex are not only delusional, but just plain gross. If any of you still think you can get away with printing tripe about my love life, I will approach you individually and clarify much further. With my fist. And don’t think I don’t read newspapers. If I find anything misconstruing or paraphrasing anything I’m saying now, I will be angry. You have all been warned, and will receive no further warnings.”

My speech done, I turn to leave the balcony and I see Celestia shaking her head. “Why do you always insist on being so harsh, Anthony?”

“Kindness creates allies. Fear begets respect.”

“As much as I don’t want to believe that, years of personal experience prove you right... but please don’t be so forceful with them. They-”

“They won’t listen to me if I don’t scare them.”

Celestia eyes me warily. “How do you know that for sure?”

“The alternative is being a strange creature with no respect.”

Celestia shakes her head, disappointed. “You can be very smart, yet you still have so much to learn.”

“Eh, I like my way better anyway.”

“But is it the right way?”

“Probably not, but either way, it’s the way I’m doing it.”

“Much, much more to learn...”

I just shrug and take my leave.

I’m wandering through the streets back to the train station when I hear a yell.

“Stop, thief!”

Looking in the direction of the yell, I see an earth pony in a brown, ragged cloak running out of a store. Unfortunately, this thief is really stupid as he clearly didn’t make any attempt to hide his face.

I run after him and manage to grab him by the tail. “Give it up, klepto the super dip.”

He pulls his tail out of my grasp and doesn’t try to run. Instead, he talks, making his voice recognizable as well as his face. Stupid stupid ponies.

“Who’s gonna make me? You? Everypony in Equestria knows you don’t have powers anymore, you couldn’t-”

I cut him off with a rebuttal in the form of a fist. Then I throw myself onto him in a body slam. Pretty easy since ponies are much shorter than I am.

“Couldn’t what dirtbag?” I say angrily, pinning his forehooves to the street with my hands.

“Let go! Get off of me!”

“Answer the question.” I grab one of his forelegs and start pulling back from my position atop him. Given the fact that I meet resistance rather quickly, I feel safe in assuming that pony legs do not bend this way naturally. He’s also wincing, so that’s another clue.

Suddenly he’s scared. “L- let me go!”

“You said I’m weak, get out of this yourself, punk!” Given the new position of his leg, I am more pushing it down, rather than pulling on it.

“I... I won’t do it again! Let me go!”

“Why should I believe you?” I grit my teeth and push a bit harder.

“I’ll never steal anything or insult you ever again! I swear to Celestia!” I mentally facepalm.

“That dumb broad? Like I give a rat’s ass.” I shift my position and put all my weight on his leg. He starts yelling. Once I hear a loud *snap* I consider my job done.

I get up and look down at the pathetic talking animal. He tries getting to his hooves, but obviously has a hard time putting any weight at all onto his broken leg. Now he’s whimpering like a dog.

“Oh shut up and walk it off. I’ve seen Earth ponies bounce back from worse.” I grab the little saddlebag he was wearing and toss it to the mare outside the shop that the thief initially ran out of. That done, I begin walking back to the train station, but apparently this doesn’t happen often. All the ponies are just staring at the scene, mouths agape.

“What are you glitzy fish-brains looking at?” I pull my sword halfway out of it’s sheath. The second I do that, all the ponies immediately put on an act that poorly resembles minding their own business. Good enough I guess. I sheath the blade and once more attempt to get to the train station.

Unfortunately, I am ordered to halt by a smattering of guards. They are aiming their spears at me, but don’t look too sure of themselves.

“Well? What is it? I haven’t got all day. Actually, I guess I do, but get on with it anyways.”

“You are uh... charged with assault?” He looks to the guard at his left, who just shrugs.

I roll my eyes. “But he was a thief. I stopped him.”

“But, that’s our job... falsely posing as a guard?”

“I didn’t claim to be on your force, knucklehead, I just stopped him myself. Face it guys, you got nothing.”

“But... but you broke his leg!”

“I’ve seen Earth Ponies heal from cracked ribs in a week. This guy should be fine in a few days.”

The guards, stumped, just look at each other and try and figure out what to do.

“When you finally decide on how to congratulate or reward me, I’ll be in Ponyville. Seeya.” I walk around the small gathering of guards, but they stop me.

“Hey, wait! You can’t just-”

“Look, I don’t give a crap about you guys. If you want to argue, call someone with a higher position, okay?”

“Will I suffice?” I turn to see Shining Armor behind me, and the other guards go stiff like a bunch of marines facing their commanding officer. Well, I guess that’s pretty much the same thing here. Shining continues. “So what’s going on here?”

I roll my eyes. “Oh your little underlings are trying to come up with some reason they can convict me. All I did was stop a thief.”

Shining look at me hard, then around the area. “Given the way the place looks, I get the feeling there’s more to that story.”

I look around and I have no idea what he means, the place looks perfectly normal. Maybe he’s better at this than I thought. I shrug. “Well if you want details, he was an earth pony so I broke his leg. He’ll be fine.”

“But you still attacked him.”

“Because he was stealing something from a store. I didn’t see any of your guards around until after I dealt with him, so I’d assume I was the only one around to stop him.”

“True, but your methods were hardly professional.”

“But I’m not a professional, so that should make sense and therefore be a pointless argument.”

He sighs. “Why are you being difficult, Anthony?”

“I’m not being difficult, I’m telling it like it is. If you want to arrest me, fine. But you better have a good reason for it, buddy.”

“Well... disproportionate retribution is frowned upon, but not really a crime...”

“But assault is. Except I was using it for the purpose of stopping another crime. Am I a criminal for stopping a thief?”

Shining looks stumped as well. “You’re coming with me to see Celestia. Men, take the thief to a hospital.”

With a quick ‘yessir!’ the group went down the street, then stop and turn back. “He’s not here anymore!”

“They let a thief, a crippled thief, get away.” I look at Shining. “This is your royal force of peacekeepers?”

He sighs. “Just... just drop it. I don’t know if you should be taken in for your actions, but I’m sure Celestia would want to talk with you about this.”

“Fine, let’s go see what the royal policy on vigilantes is.”

Next Chapter: Chapter 114 Estimated time remaining: 19 Hours

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