Chapter 5- Where's the Leak Ma'am..... (Also Known as: What's With All the Poo?)

"..........."

All was quiet in the castle of the two sisters -coo- only the occasional gust of wind through the -coo- castle would elicit a noise. The banners would -coo- shift with the breeze, flapping -coo- about. The suits -coo- of armor -coo- would creak but -coo- held strong, along with the -coo- supports of the castle.

".............................."

Well, while most of the castle was -coo-

While most of the castle was -coo-

Most of the -coo-

Mos -coo-

"I HATE THESE FUCKING PIGEONS AND IMMA STRANGLE WHOEVER THOUGHT UP THE 'WAITING GAME' WITH A RUSTY SPORK."

My voice traveled throughout the castle disturbing what peace there had been originally, buffeting the ragged banners and rattling the suits of equine armor.

As for the source of my current frustration, to make it painfully obvious, I found myself once again surrounded by pigeons. It seems that attempting to enter a meditative state to try and draw in some mana from the environment was equivalent to being rendered a statue in the eyes of avian creatures..... at least the stupid ones.

"I swear I will eradicate each and every one of you."

-coo-

Realizing that enough was enough, I began to flail and scream wildly, because that always makes things better. Always.

The blasted fiends took the hint and flew off to their coops, but not before dousing me in a deluge of shit. Fun fact boys and girls, birds actually don't urinate, no sirree, it all comes out in one package, that's why bird poo's all liquidy and crap, literally on the crap part.

I let loose a primal scream of frustration, which I'm quite sure can be heard at least as far as Ponyville.

Speaking of which, I bet a scene transi-

[Meanwhile in Ponyville. 3rd Person, by the way.]

Everypony immediately drops what they're doing as a wail of pure torment echoes throughout the town.

Some seek shelter in the stalls on the streets, others grab their foals and run into their homes before proceeding to barricade said doors along with their windows.

As for six specific mares.....

Well, Applejack had been atop the roof replacing the shingles when the vibrations of the scream shook her house causing her to lose her footing (hoofing? Whatever.). She desperately tried to grab hold of whatever she could. Luckily enough, she was able to grasp the drain pipe with her hoof, stopping her fall, she let out a sigh of relief. Until she began to question exactly how that was physically possible and then promptly fell on her rump.

Rainbow had been sleeping quite comfortably although precariously on a cloud. When the shout caused her to shuffle and kick out reflexively, she ended up bucking the cloud, causing it to disperse. She fell, still asleep, down to the local cafe where she promptly bounced off one of the umbrellas, towards a new stand set up by a rather disgruntled stallion from Canterlot. She ended up waking up to, "My cabbages!"

Fluttershy had just finished fixing breakfast for the critters she took care of when her little hut shook with the pain of another. Fluttershy could only flatten her ears and whimper, her heart going out to whoever it was that was suffering so.

Quickly followed by all of the previously mentioned critters to vacate their bowels. Fluttershy sighed and hung her head as she went to go don her hazmat suit and strap on the tank of disinfectant. Due to living in proximity to a town like Ponyville and a forest like the Everfree, this was actually more common than one would think.

Twilight was reading (big surprise). When her tree shook all about. After said shaking had died down, the mare looked up nonchalantly from her piece of literature and surveyed the chaos of the library. She took note of the mountains of books now upon her floor. She slowly moved her head back down to her current selection and turned the page with her magic. "Spike!" "Aw, hell noooo-ooo-whooaa!"

Pinkie was being Pinkie. (Yeah, that's it. What more do you want from me? What do you mean you want descriptions? Look it's my story and I'll write it how I- Wait, what are you doing with that cattle prod? Wait, wait, nonononononroifjaeoit4u93qghlirknjeq.ou301 r Oww! You are so lucky that I'm a coward.)

Pinkie was busy stuffing even more candy down her gullet having no concept of the disease known as diabeetus (really, I give it, what? Two, three years tops?). When all of Sugarcube corner began to shake and the sound of a pained soul swept through the town. Pinkie just shrugged and went back to her candy gorging wondering why exactly the author had already devoted four hundred and eighty seven words to this tripe.

Rarity had been struck with inspiration and was designing the most glamorous dress in all of existence, words would do no justice to it. Merely trying to think of the design has awed the author into a vegetative state and a new one was found that was as equally mentally unbalanced as he was. Unfortunately a monkey with rabies rather prefers to gnash its teeth together, attempt to bite people, and fling its feces about instead of writing hamlet. We even got it the typewriter and everything. So the author decided enough was enough and promptly said 'bugger it all, I'm better'. Followed by marching out to his assigned physician's desk, dumping the contents of his bedpan upon it, turning his provided gown around backwards, and then strutting out of the hospital and deciding to take the long route home. The one that cut through the all-female catholic boarding school.

Rarity merely had one more stitch left until her creation was complete. Her needle was inches away from her mark, nay centimeters, merely millimeters away, when the carousel boutique shook from the noise of some thrice damned beast. Rarity's supplies clattered to the ground. Bolts of fabric unraveled, spools fell and clattered about, their strings catching wherever they could creating a multi-colored spider web over at least half the room.

Rarity stood there stock still, her telekinesis occasionally shaking as she held steady with all of her will.

Eventually, the shaking stopped and Rarity let loose a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She slowly and oh so carefully threaded the needle until she was sure the final piece of the ensemble was properly stitched.

Moving back, she marveled at her work and could barely hold back a sob in her throat as she beheld its magnificence. Surely this was her magnum opus, her Mare-o Lisa if you will.

A single tear fell from her eye and fell to the floor.

Then her dress caught aflame.

Rarity could only stare horrified as the sob she had withheld was let loose. She turned a complete 180 degrees only to stare at the culprits responsible.

They sat there with bandoliers and multiple bottles stuffed with napkins.

She stared as they took a deep breath.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ANARCHISTS, YAY!!!!!"

Many would wonder which of the two raucous laments was truly the worse that momentous day.

As for a certain town official. A one, Mayor Mare, found herself cooped up in her office whittling away at the paperwork of the day, only to stop when she heard a rather loud and continuous scream through her window. She placed her quill down and glared off into the town. "So, it's a shouting match you want, eh?" She leaned a little closer to the window, "Well, game on, Ponyville!" She then jumped on top of her desk and began to scream, "Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaa-I'm beating you!"

[1st Person: Reference]

-tion should be happening right now.

I shut my yap after about thirty continuous seconds of announcing my pain to the universe. Deciding enough is enough and to get rid of this stank.

I head through the halls, marking my way with the imprint of my soles via the white shit-piss that is thoroughly covering my body.

I take note of the multitudes of collapsed suits of pony armor now that I'm passing through the halls, wondering how after centuries of stalwart vigilance, it was my shout that actually caused a good amount of these to topple over.

I shrug, not really caring in the end and head off towards the entrance, only to smack my face right into the doors, followed by me sliding along its length to the floor.

Really, all this head trauma cannot be healthy for me.

Sighing, I shake my head and get up, pushing against the door, slowly moving it forward until there is a wide enough crack for me to slip through.

I step outside, only for the sun to flare up and blind me temporarily. I blink my eyes trying to disperse my temporary sightlessness, bringing my balled fists to rub up against my masked face.

"Now, is that normal, or did Celestia enchant it to do that..." shrugging, not caring either way if I was right or wrong, I make my way across the rickety bridge towards the river.

The bridge sways to and fro as I cross, the boards creaking with my weight, and I come to ponder how exactly making a rope and plank bridge was the best decision for a quadruped species.

Once I finish traversing the precarious pit I was hanging over, I move towards the nearby trees in the general direction that I had arrived from. I push past brambles and bushes, being extra careful not to trip on any roots this time, listening for the sounds of running water.

A little bit more rummaging and a few close calls with packs of timber-wolves later, I find myself at the river that I had swam across earlier. I was a little disappointed that while crossing I didn't encounter a certain magnificently mustachioed serpent, but now as I was about to dive head-first into the water I really hoped he wasn't there.

Ingested bird feces/urine is not the best way to go about a first impression.

I take a few steps back and take a running jump into the cold stream. Best to just dive in and get used to the temperature, right?

I hold myself in the fetal position letting the water run over me, and wash away whatever excess white droppings that are clinging to me. I know I'm going to have to scrub to get rid of some of the other stains, but it's practical to get the current to do most of the work for me.

I eventually can't hold my breath much longer and let myself float back up towards the surface.

I breach the water, letting the majestic long strands of golden blonde hair that have appeared on my scalp, flow back in the now apparent breeze and my temporary abs to flex, showing through my suit. I imagine the sun has intensified while doing this, most likely causing the errant spray of water my showboating has caused to sparkle around me.

Fabio, eat your heart out.

Now, the natural thing to do while posing so sexily is to close your eyes. I mean, it just completes the picture. You can't have a rippling heavily muscled man pose without closing his eyes, ya just can't!

So, when the boomerang clonked me right in the head, it was only fair that I had not indeed noticed it.

Even if I held the pose for a good twenty seconds.

Shut up.

"Aw...! Mother-fucking ass-wipe!" I let out, as I cling to the bump forming on the afflicted area. "Why's it always my cranium!?"

I had turned around and was holding my head in the opposite direction hoping that another strike would not hit me directly in the head again, but that might have been a mistake.

A sharp whistling noise had caught my attention and I turned my head halfway, in time to watch a blow dart sink itself directly into my left butt cheek.

Now, imagine having a sewing needle, no, a syringe, but a little larger, apparently just 'cause, being thrown directly at, and hitting your backside. Now, imagine a wasp sting. But worse. It felt like my whole ass was on fire.

So I ended up waving and dancing around like I was a magikarp using splash

I moved my gaze to where the dart had originated from, to see a hooded figure quickly dash into the brush away from me.

Growling, I clutched the dart and yanked it out quickly, letting out a "Ffffffffffffff," from the pain and general discomfort of removing such an object from my tuchus.

"Oh, ho, ho, no. Ya ain't getting away after messing with a man's backdoor." I growled darkly as I proceede to wade through the river at a steady pace. "You didn't even buy me dinner, that's just rude."

I stomp onto the other side of the bank and trudge through the shrubbery, pushing past brambles and branches.

"I mean, really, I woulda preferred a nice steak or some caviar- hell some Mc-D's would have been fine." I wade through the greenery while going over the proper etiquette one must carry out before the touching of the buttocks, really just getting mad that I can't eat beef anymore.

I'm no tracker, but I can easily spot some hoof prints in the mud, leading me to my victim. Whoever it is they're really sloppy about covering their trail if even I can.....

Hold on a tick.

I stop for a minute and begin to think. Boomerang, check. Robe, check. Dart, that I'm going to assume came out of a blowpipe, considering distance.... yeah, I'm being played.

Whoever it was that was doing this was obviously prepared, they knew their shit, probably thrived out here in the woods, knew the terrain most likely. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I'd rather be nervous and aware of my surroundings rather than angry and blind to a machete in the back.

Well, probably not a machete, story hasn't really progressed far enough to where I'd be likely to die.

Taking a deep breath and steadying myself, I think about my situation. I can continue following the tracks deeper into the dark unknown of rustling leaves and branches where my prey most likely knows the terrain even better and probably had a few more tricks up its sleeve.

Or, I could just turn around, go back to the river, finish cleaning myself, and wash my hands of this whole affair. Get it? Wash my hands?..... Shut up. It's funny.

But, what would that get me? A potentially dangerous who's-it-what's-it knowing my general location where it could choose to assault me again, or even lead a mob of ponies to attack me in my own abode. Can't have that quite yet. We're only at chapter five.

However, the more important question is what did I have to do back at the castle to keep me preoccupied?

"Chasing a mysterious hooded figure out of sheer boredom?" I say, tapping a finger to my chin. "Sure! Why not?"

I place my foot forward over a suspicious pile of leaves until I make note that, that indeed is a suspicious pile of leaves.

Stopping my foot just inches from coming down on said pile, I slowly retract it and move it to the side. With a quick motion I brush the pile off with my foot, to find a crudely fashioned rope made of vines lying in wait.

I crouch down, balancing on the balls of my feet as I inspect the trap and let out a low whistle. "Well crikey mate, if I stepped in that there didgeridoo, I woulda been nothing but vegemite!" I say in a ridiculous Aussie accent with an accompanied hat atop my head. I know what I spouted was rubbish, but hey, my assailant doesn't know that.

Standing back at my full height I move around the vine and towards the right.

Only to feel something tighten around my ankle.

I look down and see another of the vines ensnaring my foot, having been concealed much more expertly in the dirt, tugging at my leg with more and more force.

I look up in a general direction and say, "Mother," before I'm pulled forward onto my back as my head collides directly with the ground.

I let out a groan of pain before the rope picks up the slack again dragging me forward quite quickly while the back of my skull bangs against several rocks lying along on the ground. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Before I know it, I'm being lifted off the ground, the rope leaving me swaying from momentum, to impact directly into a tree trunk.

"Where's the leak, ma'am?" I say dazedly as I begin to black out.

I wake up later to a pounding in my head, letting loose a groan to announce my hatred of the assumed hilarity of head trauma to the author.

I creak my eyes open to see that it's now, at the earliest, dusk, while I sway back and forth.

My arms are hanging a few inches off the ground, my left leg dangling off to the side in a weird angle and severely cramped. My suit is crumpled and scuffed with dirt and dust, bits of foliage are sticking out here and there. My body suit as well, is in similar straits, overall my appearance is not at its finest.

My hat's still perched on my head though. Upside-down. You know, 'cause why not.

I look around expecting to be confronted any second now by my assailant, but all that I can really hear are the swaying of branches, the cries of crickets serenading the night, the occasional howl or call of some animal in the distance. All good signs, no predators.

I wait a good five minutes expecting an entrance of some sort. Until I decide that enough of my blood has traveled to my head and try to start to move my upper body in a position that I can finagle with the knot holding my ankle trapped.

Which is when said intruder finally decides to make itself known.

I sigh, as I hear the ominous rustling of bushes all around me in an attempt to intimidate my green ass.

I let myself fall back down, letting whoever it is get their kicks.... at least to a point.

Several seconds later, everything is still, all is silent. I move my arms to my chest and fold them, while tapping a finger.

I hear the sound of several glass containers crashing against the dirt behind the foliage as multi-colored gasses seep forward. Little pinpoints of light float lazily in the gas giving a sort of mystic vibe to it.

At least the special effects were well done.

A voice finally announced itself from behind the shrubbery, "Creature of features most horrid, what are you doing in this forest?" The decidedly feminine voice booms out making the hovering lights shudder and the gasses to twist and curl.

Oh, great.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" I retort, snapping at the voice.

"......" There is a pause, the speaker doesn't really know how to respond to that, which is good, flabbergasted is always a sweet expression, even if I can't really see it. One can merely taste it in the air.

It isn't long before she picks back up again, "Your ill tongue speaks nothing but du-"

"Okay, no. That's enough rhyming, you don't have to do that, especially since you were about to mention fecal matter. I've had enough of that today." I say as I continue to sway back and forth.

"I'm not telling you to stop, I know it's not an accent, man, I knew I set it up as a joke, but I can't believe that y'all decided to keep going at it." In reality, it was to preserve, or at least force this place to follow more along the lines of the continuity of the show, but little secrets.

"Just get out here, you obviously didn't get a good look at me."

The clearing stays still, until my hooded assailant clops into view through a nearby bush.

The brown cloak shadows her face aside from her muzzle sticking out a bit and her glowing yellow eyes staring at me menacingly.

"Cut it out with the enchanted hood, I know it can probably help you spot incoming predators in the woods, but it probably doesn't help much with details." Man, you'd figure the blood would be leaking out of my ears by now.

She brings a hoof up and waves to dissipate the gas, and what I find to be fireflies buzzing around. That's actually a nice touch there.

After most of the gas has spread thin, she pushes back her hood with the already raised hoof to reveal a zebra mare with a large striped mohawk. Gold rings clink along her neck, along with her dangling earrings, which are of a similar make.

And I mean, c'mon, most of you have already known, not guessed, but known, that it's Zecora.

She takes one look at me without her forest visionTM, and her eyes quickly shrink to pinpricks.

She drops down, one foreleg on the ground, the other forward, her body at an angle and her eyes closed in supplication. Basically, a bow.

I wince at this, even though I expected as much, it comes with the territory.

Although it's probably a little funny to see a zebra bowing down to a biped in my current positio-

"All hail, the great Uniter!" She says while seeming to dip lower.

Now I just groan. You can even hear the capital letter.

"Right, stop that," she opens an eye and looks up at me, "up you go. Does it look like I can metal-ben-" Wait, I can do that if I want, "Does it look like I have a giant mec-" No, that's also feasible.

I put a fist under my chin and think of something that may apply.

I snap my fingers with realization, "Does it look like this series is going to end with an ambiguous lesbian romance?" I ask her with both arms folded assertively and a smug look that can't be seen through my mask upon my face.

"At least I hope not." I say, turning to stare off in a general direction.

"What?" she asks, staring at me with a stupefied expression. At least she's stopped with the worship.

"Never mind, too much head trauma." I bluntly state. "Now, would you kindly..." I gesture to my current predicament. The vine rope creaking a bit as if to emphasize my point.

Zecora's eyes widen again and she hastily moves to somewhere behind the trunk and fiddle with whatever counterweight or mechanism is holding me up.

When I feel myself lurch to the ground, I realize my mistake.

I wave my arms around to futilely grab her attention "Oh, no, no, no, wai-" Of course, it's too late.

The crown of my head lands on the ground, followed quickly by the rest of my body crumpling to the side.

"So much hate." I groan out as what little dirt I have lifted from my impact settles around and on me, further dirtying my suit.

Zecora trots over and looks at me as if she had just set fire to a nativity scene in front of a church, fearful of divine retribution of some sort.

Ignoring her, I begin to pick myself up, dusting off what I can to make myself somewhat presentable, still finding a glob of bird excrement here and there, that I hadn't quite had the chance to wash off.

After doing as well as a job as I can I look to Zecora to see her bowing, again.

"Stop that." I say letting some actual anger bleed through.

"Wha-?" She doesn't quit with the worship and continues to bow, her head raised and still terrified.

"You stop that right now, or I swear I will punt you all the way across this forest back to Zebrica at speeds unheard of by you, your kin, or any other being on this planet." She looks confused as well, expecting gratitude maybe?

"But it is only proper-"

"No." I quickly cut in moving to her and picking her up and holding her at arm's length to stare directly at her. She looks like she's about to piss herself, but this needs to be ingrained, also, it might be unfair, but I need to vent.

"You do not bow to me." I say, the edge in my voice hopefully apparent. "Bowing indicates inferiority. You are not lesser, but my equal as a person, to lower yourself to such a standard is a disgrace upon you and your family as well as my own principles." I know I'm squeezing her a little hard, but at least the message will get across.

She looks like she's going to protest my past, but I quickly cut it off. "I only allowed it in the courts seeing as explaining to each and every citizen would have been tedious and most likely ignored regardless. But you," I lift one of my arms away from her and jab her with a finger "are not in a court, and I was never a king nor divine." I'm staring at her, my mask scrunched up to give me an angry face, as she seems to be hyperventilating. "So cut that shit out, mm'kay?" I ask with a smile, letting my anger dissolve instantaneously.

She's trembling by the end of it as I drop her and let her crumple to the ground. I step back and rock on my heels to let her gather her bearings and catch her breath. I know that I don't want people to think of me as a demigod or whatever, but it is apparent that despite Celestia's meddling my name still holds some weight in at least some corners of the world.

"Right," I say letting the zebra stare at me in a somewhat calmer manner, "there's obviously been some changes while I've been gone, as is to be expected." I turn to face the mare more directly. "All I ask is three things," I hold up three fingers. "What are the statuses of the other nations?" I tick off the fingers as I go, "What has Celestia hidden? And most importantly," I lean down over Zecora again, intimidating her a bit more.

"You wouldn't happen to have a bar of soap would you?"

Author's Notes:

Right, have a merry Christmas to everyone watching this story, have this as a present. Or happy holidays, Imma stuff my face with more latkes and chocolate coins, have fun with your fruit cakes.

Also, I hate to say it, but I really don't like this chapter, didn't flow too well for me. Let's see what anyone else thinks.