Dear Diary,

The moments of peace become more precious to me. My companions seem to be of the same mind, Dash especially. She has taken to recusing herself whenever she can, not wishing to be near anyone. When I catch her alone for the few moments she is allowed, she could be mistaken for talking to herself, but the look she gives me makes it clear that the Changeling manifest still. I try to comfort her, knowing more than I would like of just how much it can influence someone, but I feel my efforts are in vain. Over the last few days, I have been sure I was nearing a milestone, yet every time she just stops talking, eyes going blank.

Part of me is unsure of how far I want to delve into the depths of her problems. She has made a few comments about how she should have been stronger than this, being the Element of Loyalty, and her envy for my ability to remain loyal despite the creature’s effect on me. She shed silent tears as she did, trying not to show me. From time to time, I see flashes of desire or hate in her eyes, directed at me or the others. Whenever I do, I put a hand on her shoulder, but she pushes it away. Yet I get the feeling that she would like nothing more than to let me in, to let me help her. And, what more is, I am starting to get the impression that this makes her feel guilty. Not just for her betraying her friend and princess, but for the situation to be so that I am helping her the best I can.

Ever since we left the house in which I woke after being attacked by Dash, I have seen repeatedly how uneasily she sleeps. She trashes around all night, with naught but a few spare moments of peace of mind when she wakes. Or perhaps I am being unduly optimistic that they offer her some comfort, for as I write this it becomes more and more clear to me that it might be for my own comfort I tell myself that.

Trixie is usually the one to speak, falling between a concerned use of first person and a haughty and arrogant tone while speaking in the third person. As of now, I am unsure of which one I find the worse to listen to.

That might sound like an ungrateful take on her, but it is really not. Or, it is, but it is just one of the elements playing into the role she has taken on in our little group. However poorly I express my feelings to the others, I am most grateful she is here. She prepares our meals, set up what little in terms of camp we have and pack it all down again. A couple of times I have found Twilight resting her head on her shoulder. She may be interested in Twilight beyond as a friend, but for now she gives her the comfort of one and have not shown any signs of trying to take it further. This is perhaps what I am most grateful for, that she sticks up for Twilight as a friend.

Trixie remains a bit playful with me, but I honestly don’t mind. It is quite distracting, for both myself and Twilight, which I can only count for the positive. We always end it before it goes too far, of course. She is perhaps more careful about that than me, presumably not wanting Twilight to think she is trying to steal me away. I have also refrained from telling Twilight that Trixie might have feelings for her. This is not the time and place for it. Perhaps when we reach the Crystal Empire and have the luxury of proper privacy and a little bit of time to think about it before acting on the information.

And, I may regret writing this down, but I am also hesitant about telling Twilight about it because I do not know what Twilight would do with it. One of the last things I would want to experience is to lose her. Perhaps an unfounded fear, I know, but my feelings are not rational. My greatest fear is perhaps that Trixie could be a better partner than I have proved to be, yet I would not wish anything on Twilight less than the best she can get. If my heart ever makes up its mind on this, I might do an entire entry to just note that down: Such are the mixed feelings I harbor on this.

Fair Twilight, on which this burden lies. Hero. That is the only word I have for her. It still strikes me how easily she picked up the torch to deal with the resurgent Changelings. To this day I still do not fully comprehend it, and I likely never will. Every step of this path I have wanted to turn and leave, to run away from this conflict. It would be easier; I might even get to live out a whole life before the past could catch up to me. But I haven’t. And every time I ask myself why, I get the same answer: “Twilight.”

It is not even what I share with her, the feelings we have for each other. It is that in her presence, something inside me finds a source of inspiration. I am not a hero, whatever Twilight might claim of me. I am too afraid, too incompetent. Luck is my only contribution. But, when I am near Twilight, I feel myself wanting to do the right thing. The old me would perhaps not object to the hero name, but it would not be right to accept it.

Twilight is in pain, that much I can see every time I lay my eyes on her. The image of her clutching to me, asking me not to leave her, still haunts me. Losing her friends… I can only imagine how it must feel. And now that Dash has returned to us, showing what we can expect from the others, if they even still live. I wish there was a way for me to soothe this pain, but there is not. I have but my company to give and that will never fill the hole surely left open in her heart.

In my sleep, I rarely get pause from the worries of what is now my daily life, as Luna and Sombra visit me. My body rests, but my mind is always awake, tiring slowly, but surely. I do not know why, but something tells me that I cannot let up in summoning the Betrayer every time I fall into my dreams. For whatever reason, keeping up the illusion that he is not summoned by my choice strikes me as the only reasonable approach. I would not hold it past him to suspect, or even know, but I will follow my gut in this.

Luna is another story. I continue to get the feeling she is holding something back, something important. She seems close to tell me, then I wake up, left wondering what she is hiding. I wish I could be sure if it was something of importance to the task at hand, or if it is simply something that is important to her personally. I certainly hope for the latter.

She continues to drill into my head the importance of preventing Sombra’s return. I do not object to the idea in general, but we are at an impasse on how to solve the issue of the Changelings without him. Luna herself claim her body will take centuries, if not millennia, to reform, so she will not be of much help to us outside what she can offer in knowledge.

And then there is the amulet. It has saved us twice, but I wish I knew a way to control it. I nearly killed Dash and harmed Twilight. What would happen the next time it activated? It tears at me, for what is the right thing to do? Stay with Twilight and risk her life? Or leave and risk her life? They both sound awful to me. Yet, I have to admit, I think perhaps staying will do less harm, given what might happen if I abandon her. She has lost enough loved ones.

I better leave the pen here; Twilight wanted to take the next shift. I would let her sleep until it was Trixie’s time to take over, but I’d never hear the end of it. She worries much about me, perhaps more than I do about her. It is touching. Whatever comes, I know I have been lucky to know Twilight Sparkle, and privileged to be able to claim we became more than friends.

Author's Notes:

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