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The Critique

by spideremblembrony

Chapters

The First Chapter

The morning sun shined in through the window, disturbing the lonely, pathetic soul that hid under the covers, desperately trying to sleep the day away. As the lights hit his eyes, they twitched as he rolled over, now half awakened from his pleasant dreams. The birds began chirping their melodies as if to welcome the day with smile. Something that the earth pony buried under the sheets was unable to imitate.

“Hell…” he grumbled to himself as he rolled to the wall away from the western window. The dogs in the next yard over were already restless, barking and howling at seemingly nothing. He had once thought about shoving a fork up their nose, but dismissed the thought for fear of lawsuit. He already had enough trouble on his hooves maintaining his library. He didn’t need to anymore unnecessary problems.

The sun was merciless as it continued to pummel him as if to push him out of bed. He placed his head on his pillow trying to block out the sun and the noise, but to almost no avail. All he wanted to do was lay in bed for the rest of the day, for getting out of bed meant work. And work, was something he both enjoyed and dreaded.

A computerized female voice then came over him. “Sir, are you not going to get up today?”

“Leave me alone, Computer,” he grumbled under the pillow, causing his voice to be muffled. “I’m sleeping in today.”

“Sir, it is 10:25 A.M,” Computer pointed out. “The library was supposed to be open 25 minutes ago.”

He pulled his head out from under his pillow and looked to the ceiling above him, as if there was somepony there. “Nopony reads books anyway. It’s all about the internet now.”

The voice seemed to come from nowhere, but the sound vibrated all around him. “Regardless, it is your responsibility to maintain this library as was foretold by your ancestor.”

He rolled his eyes as he laid his head flat on his pillow. “Yeah, I get to maintain a library nopony ever comes to.” He placed his face on top of his pillow muffling his voice again. “Woopty freaking doo!”

His ancestor foretold that their family would watch over this library for all of eternity. He didn’t understand why or what was so special about this library to his family. Or even why he got stuck with it, when his two brothers were left to run their lives as they pleased. At the very least, he had Computer to back him up. He couldn’t even make his own meal, let alone run the place, without her.

After a few minutes of cursing under his breath, he finally pulled himself out of his bed. He rubbed his eyes in exhaustion, letting out a deep yawn. He looked towards his nightstand and picked out his glasses. He placed the black framed spectacles over his face, with his once blurry eye sight clearing. He looked down the small flight of stairs to see the library below him. It once belonged to a very famous pony, and now it was his. And he hated it.

He hated every waking moment he spent in the library. There was always a book that just ticked him off and made him angry at how poorly it was written. He had spent years trying to perfect his writing only for him to be ignored or completely disregarded. He couldn’t even get a damn publisher. And yet, for every book he tried to publish, another author, one who clearly lacked the basic concept of grammar, was being published, even though millions of spelling errors existed.

He eventually gave up his writing days and focused on maintaining the library. It was a rather boring existence. Save for his Computer, he didn’t have any friends he could share his stories with, or even vent to. He made his way to the dresser and pulled out a long purple scarf from the first drawer. He didn’t own many clothes and even if he did, he didn’t care to wear them. He only cared about the scarf his grandmother made him. He wrapped it around his neck, just loose enough to keep it from chocking him.

He made his way down the staircase and into the small kitchen to his right.

A little breakfast might get me to think straight, he thought as he slunk to the kitchen. As he poked his head inside, he noticed the book he had left on the table from the night before. It was a horribly written book and the plot was not much better. The grammar was all over the place and the spelling ranged from decent to utter crap. Overall, the story was far from entertaining. In fact, he’d go as far as to say it was the worst thing he had ever read.  

He glanced up to the ceiling. “Computer?”

“Yes, sir?”

He looked down at the book in front of him. “Is there anything important on my agenda today?”

“None at the moment. You are simply to maintain the library for the remainder of the day.”

He smiled as he picked up the book in one of his hooves. “Then I guess I’ll have to give myself something to do.” He made his way back to the living room, completely forgoing his breakfast. He placed the book on the ground and sat himself in front of it. “Computer, make notes of my review, please.”

“As always, sir,” Computer replied as a camera appeared from the ceiling and pointed itself straight at the earth pony.

He smiled as if the camera was already on. He had been waiting to dig into this book for a while now. He just hadn’t had the will yet. Now, he was ready. He opened the book in front of him and looked to the camera. As he saw the green light flash on, he gave a big smile.

“Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.”

Exile of Daimon

Author’s Note: Before we begin, I’ve been meaning to mention my new Skype account. I have no idea how to work the thing and frankly I don’t really spend a lot of time on it, but it is a really fast and convenient way to get in touch with me if you need to, since I don’t really spend that much time on FIMFiction for one reason or another. The name is, of course, Fireemblemspider and if you want to invite me as a friend, feel free to do so. Or if you’d rather ignore this part of the text, that’s fine too.

Warning: This review contains vulgar language. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another edition of my reviews. The reason why you are all here is because you want to hear me rant and rave about a new story in my library. And boy, do I have a special surprise for you all. This one travels around with a human character and his journey to Equestria. Again, this is a human going to Equestria story. I give you permission to roll your eyes and groan now, although some of you have probably already done so.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with these kinds of stories. I am under the belief that any story can work well if the right pony is writing it or coming up with ideas. The problem with most of these stories is that the wrong pony is writing it and this pony, whether on purpose or not, does not know what makes a solid, three dimensional character.

And creating new characters that appeal to so many can be difficult sometimes. I myself have struggled in this department. As of yet, I have heard of no wrongs with my own characters, but that could be just because the right author hasn’t come around to tell me otherwise. But I’m not here to talk about my piece of shit stories, just everypony else’s… Does that seem hypocritical to you?

Anyway, the story we are here to talk about is called The Exile of Daimon by Dillena Monger

It’s a story about redemption and how Daimon (yes, it is our main character, I’ll be getting to him in a minute) achieves it. The story of redemption is nothing new. Main character either has a troubled past or has made some past mistakes that he was not proud of that either had immediate consciences or something that came back to bite him in the ass.

However, the redemption part of the story can be undermined if the character isn’t relatable or is just downright unlikable.

Yes, much like that terrible Adam Sandler movie I hate… Although that’s not saying much since I hate all Adam Sandler movies.

Anyway, if the character is too unlikeable, it is hard to sympathize with the character and if the audience doesn’t care about the character, the final redemption at the end doesn’t work. But will Daimon have better luck than Sandler? Well, let’s dig into Exile of Daimon and find out.

Again, if there are those of you want to read this before reading this review, there are spoilers. So I urge you to turn back. As for the rest of you…

The story starts with the glorification of Daimon. He is described to us as a smart, athletic, and perfect skinned boy, who can make any girl faun over him with but a thought. Yep, in the first sentence the author made us aware this is a Mary-Sue like character. Not a good way to start your story.

However, he is said to have flaws as a person, being a prankster on some people or just beating somebody up for no good reason.

He ‘accidently’, as the story puts it, kicks a kid in the back of the head during class. And the kid says nothing.

If they are in a classroom, then why the hell doesn’t one to of the students shout out that Daimon is being an asshole again and standing up on a chair?! Last I checked, teachers didn’t allow kids to stand up on their chairs for two reasons:

1: It’s called being a mature adult! If this kid is as old as the author says he is, there is no reason why he is standing up in his chair, other than to be immature.

2: There is a safety issue! What if Daimon were to fall and crack his head open? (Other than shorting this story) The school would most likely be sued because the teacher failed to take responsibility for the child. Is that fair? No, but it’s what most likely would happen!

Furthermore, he’s kicking a kid in the back of the head! Does the faculty of this school just not care or something?! They must have been getting how to run your school lessons from Flutterhulk.

Anyway, his friend asks him what he is doing after school. When Daimon doesn’t respond, his friend gives him a couple of suggestions.

“There are two very good options. First is this new arcade that opened just down the street,” said one of the three boys surrounding Daimon’s chair. “The other is… this new guy on the other class. He claims to be at our grade, but he likes those girly shows you said made you sick.”

1: “on” the other class? What the hell does that mean? I assume you mean ‘in the other class’, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

2: I don’t think a T.V show can make you sick just by watching it.

Oh, god… I don’t feel so good… I think I just got the flu just from that image…

Daimon then kicks the same kid in the back of the head. Seriously, why are the teachers at schools in these kinds of stories idiots?! Daimon then asks him if it is true that males watch My Little Pony.

The boy replies that he’s heard rumors about it and Daimon flips out that he is starting to be familiar with the characters, thanks to his sister watching the show.

“Maybe it’s time for him to see that they’re nothing more than horses at a girly show…”

Horses “at” a girly show? What is it with you and the word “in”? Did the word “in” kill your parents or something?

And why does this line make me think of this?

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Isn’t it nice when a reviewer reminds you that you could be watching another, better, more talented reviewer?

So after class, Daimon and his gang follow the kid who is rumored to like My Little Pony. The gang surrounds the kid and tells him that My Little Pony is just a girly show.

The kid replies…

“It has a proper history, with adventures and battles of its own way!”

What is with the poor literacy in this story?! “Of” its own way?! There is nothing wrong with the word “in”! Try using it of a sentence sometime! … Oh, shit! Now, he’s got me doing it!

So Daimon starts punching the kid repeatedly and tells him that he’s going to keep punching him until his arm get tired. Or you know, you send him to the hospital? This character’s actions are totally justified and completely relatable, wouldn’t you agree?

Yeah, me neither.

The victim (who is so unimportant that he isn’t even given a name) tells Daimon that he is just like Luna in the show.

Wrong. Try again.

The victim says that Daimon is just like Luna’s Nightmare Moon and that he can be saved like she was.

Still wrong. You want to know why? Here’s why. Daimon is being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole! There is no deep, dark hurt that Daimon is going through, other than the fact that is just a selfish, violent bully that has nothing to sympathize with.

Luna felt underappreciated and felt that she didn’t belong. With her sister hogging the spotlight, Luna felt that she was losing a special connection to her best friend and tried to compensate that loss with something else! She was facing the fear that she might never be loved like her sister and that dragged her into a depression that caused her to become Nightmare Moon.

There is no mentioning of Daimon being physically, psychologically, mentally, or spiritually tortured! The only thing that he is “tortured” from is the fact that his little sister watches My Little Pony! Other than that, he doesn’t get in trouble for the shit he does in school or outside it! There are no consequences to his actions!

Daimon knocks the kid out and then leaves him. Can you say lawsuit?

Daimon heads home and finds his little sister, Elisa, on his computer, watching My Little Pony.  He yells at his sister, but his mother asks him to let his little sister watch it. He agrees provided that his little sister wears headphones.

I’ll give this much to Daimon… He’s following what Mr. T said.

Anyway, later that night, Daimon gets a dream… (Seriously, how is it that every time a character goes to Equestria, it’s always in a dream first?) Anyway, in the dream, two alicorns appear. It’s never mentioned who they are and no, it’s not Celestia or Luna.

The two alicorns tell him about how they heard the cries of the boy he beat up and that they’ve come to answer the boy’s call. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s comforting to the fans of the show that living in poverty or in a dangerous part of the world. I understand that being beat up by someone is a big deal, but doesn’t that seem like a job for your parents or I don’t know, the police! Why do two freaking alicorns have to come to this kid when there are other kids who are probably in a lot worse shape than this guy?! I got beat up several times in school and no alicorns came to save my ass!

The alicorn then shoots the kid in the chest with a ball of light. Damn…  What happened to love and tolerance?

When you’re hurt in a dream you wake up, right?

“Most of times, yes,” said the mare that had hit him.

There are no quotation marks, so I have to assume that the alicorns can read minds. Anyway, the alicorns warn him that if he dies in this dream world, he dies in reality. Daimon, of course, doesn’t believe them. And what does this serve to the plot? I have no fucking idea, since he’s going to wake up and be in Equestria anyway!

The alicorns respond.

“No. I really don’t believe that you wanna to be proven wrong.”

“Wanna?” That’s grade A writing for ya.

So apparently the malevolent alicorns want to punish Daimon and teleport him to the world of Equestria, where he will stay until he learns …

“that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed into others”

What about all the other bad stuff he’s done before that?! They never even mention it! It’s like all the bad stuff he does means nothing, but the second he messes with bronies, he’s a criminal!

Kicking a kid in the back of the head?

Making fun of Luna?

Tormenting someone into doing your homework for you?

Forcing your opinion of a show you’ve only seen a few moments of onto another person?

Priorities? Yours are fucked up!

So he wakes up in a hospital room and the nurse tells him that Luna found him and brought him here.

Daimon freaks out and threatens the nurse with a club he made from a table leg. … Wait what? Since when did he become the freaking Hulk? Did his travel to another world suddenly give him super strength? I know he’s athletic, but I really have a hard time believing this!

Just as he is about to make his escape, Celestia arrives and disarms him. And what is the punishment for his acts of terrorism?

Well, according to that one random kid, he’s just like Luna, so that would make sense.

Anyway, Twilight Sparkle then appears explaining that Daimon has a strange magical force within him. He can conjure magic through each of his appendages, much like a unicorn can with theirs.

… Wait, what?!

How the hell would be he able to use magic?! There was no mention of it prior to this point?! Did traveling to Equestria not only give him super strength, but the abilities of magic as well?! This seems like a really stupid punishment! What’s to stop him from just taking over or just destroying Equestria, since Luna, in her infinite wisdom, decided to give him these powers?! Oh and just til you find out what these “magical powers” lead up to!

God, we are not even done with the first fucking chapter yet!

Anyway, Luna explains that magic doesn’t work in the human world and that’s why his magical powers haven’t arisen yet. … Okay, Luna. What makes Equestria different from Earth that he wouldn’t have access to his magical powers? … No answer. Well, then I’m calling bullshit on this!

Daimon starts yelling at the three, demanding that they send him home. However, Celestia and Luna refuse, saying that they want him to learn the lessons of friendship. Again, there are probably people that are starving to death in the human world and you want to waste time with this asshole! Great plan!

Luna charges Twilight with the responsibility of forcing the change on Daimon. Wait… They just berated him because he was forcing a change on somebody else! And now their plan is to force a change on him?!

Double standards are fun!

Daimon and Twilight were in a train directed to Canterlot. The human sat at the window and watched the scenery roll by. Twilight sat in front of him and seemed quite exited.

Exited? How does one seem exited?! God, get a proofreader!

Anyway, Twilight tries to start a conversation with him, but Daimon says that he’s not interested in friendship with this stupid line.

“Listen here, you,” he turned to face the lavender pony in the eye. “I’m not here to enjoy this ride. I’m not a guy of many friends and I like being myself just the way I am. If you dare to change that, I’ll be sure that your horn stays in somewhere else in no time. Got it?”

First off, you are the most handsome, athletic and smartest kid in school! There is no reason for you not to be popular because of those things, despite you being an asshole! Maybe the author was going for the fact that because you aren’t a good person, you won’t have many friends and that’s fine… But, the last chapter tells us that he could get any girl he wanted with just a flex of his muscles! Not to mention that, nobody acknowledges the bad stuff he does!

Secondly, we are supposed to relate to this guy?! How?! There is nothing there that justifies that him being an asshole! Yeah, he’s trapped in a show that he doesn’t like, but that’s not enough justification to act like a dick!

Third, is it really wise to upset somepony, who is your only chance home?!

Taken aback by the sudden assault at her, Twilight opened her wings as if preparing to fly, but haven’t took off.

God, I really need to stop cutting back to the narration, but it just proves how poorly written this is! I mean, seriously, “haven’t took off”?! Really?!

Twilight tells Daimon that their plan isn’t to change him, but to show him what true friendship is.

That’s not what was said in the last chapter! According to Princess Celestia, you and Fluttershy are to initiate a change onto him! Jesus, its only chapter two and this story is already starting to fall apart! Oh and forget about Fluttershy helping out, she doesn’t even appear in this story, making this completely pointless.

“Friendship… Wanna know what friendship is? It’s only a fancy and beautiful way to say ‘I will support you for the time being so I can have something in return in the long term’,”

How the hell does that translate into what we saw in previous scenes?! In the previous scene, your “supporters” followed you into beating up a kid! They never asked for anything from you and never stabbed you in the back and there was never anything to bring up bad experiences with your friendships! If there had been some sign that this was even brought up, it would be plausible, but there’s nothing to make the audience believe that this is justified other than, “I’m the author and you better believe what I say!”

Stories do not work that way!

Twilight wisely asks why Daimon believes that and Daimon explains that his mother is a very generous woman and that her friends take advantage of that. He says that after his father’s death, he and his little sister tried to take care of their mother.

Daimon says that rainbows and sunshine are just things that appear to mask the terrors of the world at large. And I call bull crap on this. While I do understand that there are ponies who will take advantage of other pony’s kindness, hell, it’s even happened to me, once or twice, that doesn’t make it wrong to help out a person. Yes, I realize that sometimes ponies will take advantage of others, but that doesn’t mean the friendship doesn’t exist! It means that you made friends with the wrong ponies and that is the problem! It’s not “the sunlight isn’t real”! It’s about knowing who to trust and knowing what kind of ponies you can benefit yourself from!

Furthermore, wouldn’t this have been better if Daimon had dealt with this personally rather than his mother. We relate better to the mother because this was something that affected her. Not Daimon. As far as we know, Daimon never had this problem prior to this point.

“I will make the friends you so much want. I learned to accept the consequences to each of my actions.

Except for the fact that there are no consequences for his actions!

Daimon then points out that Luna basically kidnapped him and doomed his family to be destroyed financially. Way to go, Luna. No wonder Celestia gets more love then you.

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Jesus, I get the point. Don’t fuck with the princess of the night.

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon arrive in Ponyville and Daimon asks Twilight to tell him about her friends. She starts to list off their names and Daimon tells Twilight that the names aren’t enough, that he needs to know more about them in the hopes of finding common ground so he can begin his friendship with them.

Well, it’s a good thing Daimon is here to explain everything about friendship and what it means. It’s not like Twilight spent a lot of her time learning about how friendship works and writing reports on what she’s learn to Celestia, detailing her discoveries. I’m glad this story is about Twilight learning about friendship.

The story completely stops to have Twilight explaining who all her friends are and what they do, with Daimon occasionally groaning in misery. You know, you could have actually shown us the characters interacting with Daimon and shown us who they are and their personalities and shown us how they will affect Daimon, but nope, you just have to tell us about it. I’m sure that will lead us to believing you. And for those of you who are saying “We already know who these characters are.”

That’s not the point! What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that when writing a story, you should be showing us things, not telling us things! Telling us things makes the story boring us hell! Show us why we should believe anything you tell us! If you can’t show your audience what your characters are doing and why they are the way they are, I won’t believe it!

No, Naruto! No! I will not believe it! Stay out of this!

She then goes on to explain what the Elements of Harmony are. God and I thought this chapter was boring before…

She represents the Element of Loyalty, which I guess says tons about her.”

Actually, it doesn’t. In fact, nothing you say about the characters gives any insight to their personalities. Also, Twilight seems to be confused since she is referring to every character as a person instead of a pony. I thought Daimon was the only human here. Maybe there are other humans in this world and that’s why nobody is freaking out about this kid being here. With as much stupid that gets thrown as us, it wouldn’t surprise me.

After the long winded introductions to every character, Daimon tells us that he doesn’t have any friends, just followers that are afraid of him. Yeah, because they were just shaking in their boots when they started laughing and joking with you about how you were going to beat up that brony. Hell, even the brony didn’t seem that terrified of you, since he basically called you the Princess of the Night.

… Except you don’t deserve to be called the Princess of the Night! You aren’t nearly cool enough!

Anyway, they get off the train and Rainbow Dash literally crashes into him. She must be getting into the poison joke again since that’s the only way this scene makes sense.

Instead, we get this explanation…

“Well… I was trying to make a ground-side version of a Sonic Rainboom, so I got the Crusaders to help me get this high speed rotation and…”

… Wait what?!

Not only is that incredibly stupid, but that’s incredibly reckless! You know how much damage a normal Sonic Rainboom can do! And that’s probably thousands of feet in the air! And you want to create one that is closer to the ground in a highly populated area?!

What the hell happened to the audition to the Wonderbolts with Lightning Dust?! I thought Lightning Dust was the reckless one, not Rainbow Dash?! Did I miss something?!

After a small pause, Daimon looked at her, “And you decided to release your grip and be shot at three hundred kilometers per hour and straight in my belly.”

Wait, what?! And you survived?! He survived that people!

Based on the math I did, he basically got hit by a car going about 40 to 50 mph! Human ribs cannot withstand that much force delivered that quickly! I know we ponies have cartoon physics, so that makes us indestructible, but come on! This is a human being! There is no way the amount of force he took would not be able to break his ribs or kill him! I guess, now he has invulnerability, since he can survive it! Thanks for giving this kid superpowers, Luna!

“Daimon eh? You seem pretty tough,”

No, shit! Didn’t I just get through explaining that?!

Daimon introduces himself and tries to make everyone else feel sorry for him by telling them how bad he is. This is just like Human of a Pony all over again. I’m going to need to find Al for this.

Daimon starts to follow Twilight to her library when he accidently bumps into his future love interest… Oh, sorry spoilers… A pony named Romantic Lily.

Really? Really? That’s the route we’re going with? That’s how he redeems himself?! This?! This completely forced, straight out of nowhere romantic interest?! I thought he was here to learn about friendship, not learning how to have pony sex?! I realize that romance starts with friendship, but… This is the most cliché thing you could possibly do in this story! You have a chance to make something interesting and original! Something that nobody else has seen and you botch it with this?! Way to go, rookie! Everyone give a round of applause for the absolute failure that is this story!

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So anyway Daimon goes to Twilight’s house, where the others gather around and Daimon reveals his sally sob story to us, telling us that he became a bully as a defense mechanism for not having any friends.  Get a blog!

The main six try convincing him that friendship is a wonderful thing, but Daimon doesn’t take any of it, whining that “People are just out to get you. That’s the reason I don’t have friends! You can’t count on anyone!”

Daimon then walks out of the room, feeling sorry for himself. I’m feeling sorry for myself for reading this stupid thing.

Twilight and the others discuss what to do about Daimon and Rainbow Dash suggests a “who is the toughest in Ponyville contest” between Daimon and Big McIntosh. I’m not sure why feeding his psychosis would be a good thing, but whatever.

The next day, Daimon doesn’t take the news about the challenge with Big McIntosh well, stating that he would most likely lose. Again, you have super strength, magical powers and invulnerability! Where do you not have the advantage?!

Rainbow Dash then explains that this is his chance to be the toughest human in Ponyville, which makes me think that there are more humans in Equestria, though they have yet to be mentioned or seen. Otherwise, he would already be the toughest human in Ponyville, making what Rainbow Dash said completely stupid.

Twilight then reminds Daimon that his punishment is to learn about friendship and that rivals can be good examples of friends. Except in Pokemon’s case, usually you just want to beat the shit out of them.

“There’s no way I’m talking myself out of this, there is?” he asked looking at the duo.

… I didn’t know Daimon was also Yoda?

Neither can I, Master Yoda.

Twilight pulls out a mattress for him just across from her. Daimon wonders why Twilight would trust him, stating that he might attempt something. Because that’s what I was missing from this story, a sexual pervert joke.  Twilight, of course, assures him that Spike would be keeping an eye on him.

Um… Twilight, if you don’t trust him not to do anything and you are asking Spike to watch him, why don’t you make him sleep downstairs?!  I mean, it’s not like you are keeping a secret from him! You are literally telling him that Spike will keep an eye on him! That already tells him that you don’t trust him! If you had kept it a secret as a method of gaining his trust, yeah, I could see that! But you fucking told him what your plan was, showing what little faith you have in him! You know for somepony who is supposed to be smart, you’re actually really stupid!

Anyway, Daimon takes a quick shower and realizes he has no other clean clothes, meaning that he has to travel around in his underwear. And what was the purpose of this… Why a stupid penis joke of course…

After a breakfast, Daimon prepared himself mentally for the tests the following day.

… I’m not even going to acknowledge what is wrong with this sentence. I’m hoping that if I stop accepting that they exist, maybe they will just go away, much like the insanity I am delving into by reading this.

So, Applejack makes her way to Twilight’s house, at least I think that’s where they are, the narration doesn’t make it clear. Applejack tells Daimon that she is going to challenge him instead of Big McIntosh. … So, wait? Daimon is not super strong enough to go up against McIntosh, but Applejack is okay to completely trounce. I think the author did this switch because he hates Applejack. Wouldn’t surprise me?! Every story I’ve read has some kind of Applejack hate!

Oh, good, now you made Baby Applejack cry, you son of a bitch! Way to fucking go, dude! Way to fucking go!

Anyway, they go over some rules that they both agree to. Both sides get to pick a challenge with Twilight picking the final challenge. The activities would be productive and that both can use all their skills to win.

So, does Daimon’s magic count as a skill?

They start with a game of horseshoes… Which doesn’t seem productive at all. Neither does this story for that matter.

And Applejack ends up winning that competition. Daimon’s challenge is a race with obstacles… still not seeing where this is productive, but who cares, Daimon tells everyone to build a track for him because… He has… authority? I’m adding to the list of powers he now has.

1: Super Strength

2: Magic Limbs of Impossibility

3: Invulnerability

4: Authority beyond even Princess Twilight.

Applejack chuckled at that. “So ya will fight muh skill at last challenge with one ya had skills?”

This just convinces you of hating on Applejack even more. Oh, shit, I acknowledged it! Last time, I promise… Unless I feel the need to point one out again.

Anyway, the ponies build a track and lead the others to it where they can race. Twilight explains the track. See if you can make sense of it.

“It’s pretty simple,” Twilight said with a smile. “Pinkie Pie marked the checkpoints with candy canes. Every candy cane is at sight line with the next. The start line has also two candy canes, so you will have to pick the first there, hold it until the next and give to the pony on the next check point, grab the next candy cane and so on. There is a total of two checkpoints plus the finish line. The first to get to the finish line and finish off his candy cane wins. Any question?”

Yeah, um… What?!

So they go through the race and it turns out that Daimon barely wins. And the final challenge is whether or not they can both get up and do it again… Wait what?! That’s the best that Twilight can come up with! That is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life! It’s like the author couldn’t come up with another challenge, so he just forced them to do it again!

So Daimon gets his second wind and beats Applejack.

After the competition, they gather at the Apple’s barn to celebrate. Daimon is still grieving over his family’s problems, but Twilight assures him that Princess Celestia has sent somepony over to help them…

What the hell?! Does Princess Celestia have contacts in the human world that help her deal with this?! Is she sending money to them?! Is she actually going over herself and scaring the shit out of the family with reality that she is real?! What the hell?!

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon asks Rarity to makes some clothes for him. And after a few minutes, Daimon comes out with a brand new outfit that makes him look charming. Fun note: Rarity made those clothes so fast because they were made out of rocks. Fuck designers, we got rocks!

So as he shows off his new clothes, Twilight and Rarity grow unnaturally attractive to him. I know in the story it mentioned that he could woo any woman with just a flex of his muscles, but… They’re fucking ponies, dude! They are not even the same genus! And yet, somehow he is more attractive than stallions to these two! I’m adding that as a superpower.

5: Illogically attractive to separate species.

So, they start to party and Applejack even gets Daimon to make a speech in front of everyone. Why? I don’t know. It’s never explained and it makes as much sense as everything else we’ve seen. Also, the speech is just skipped over with him just telling us that Daimon was nervous while presenting. My god, could the writing in this story be getting worse as the chapters go on? It wouldn’t surprise me!

So we see that Daimon is taking a break from the party. Rainbow Dash comes to him and Daimon starts to hear the music being played for the party. Daimon admits that ponies have such great music.

Of course… How could I have not seen it before? Ponies! Ponies are indeed the greatest musical composers ever conceived!  It’s all so clear now! Obviously stupid humans could never make such beautiful pieces of music in their lives. Some people may say that Beethoven was one of the greatest composers in the world, stating that he made classical music what it is today. Fuck Beethoven!

Others will say that Mozart was the inspiration of many musicians and composers and continues to be one of the greatest composers of all time, who’s talent and inspiration was never truly duplicated. Fuck Mozart!

Or Johann Bach! Richard Wagner! Or George Handel! Fuck them all to hell! The greatest composer of music in the world is a pony!

Truly this magnificent creature of God’s creations is truly destined to write the greatest music any one has ever heard in their entire life! Human, as a species, could not fathom the creativity of this magically creature that is able to string together chords, notes and rhythms into such a way that would take us to the highest of cultures beyond anything we have ever heard before! This wonderful being is truly the greatest musical composer that human beings could not hope to challenge its artistic beauty! And they shall all burn in hell for their sins of listening to this thing they call “music” when we are truly God’s messengers of melody!

…

…

…

So, anyway…

Daimon then gets approached by the love of his life… Oh, sorry spoilers… Romantic Lily.

Romantic tells Daimon that’s she’s been down on her luck with her writing. However, Daimon tells her to never give up and to keep trending her path if it is something she really wants.

Too bad I can’t say the same for you.

Okay, maybe I went a little far… I’m not taking it back though.

So, Daimon tells her to continue writing if that what she really wants to do. Romantic thanks him for his kindness and mentions that he doesn’t seem like the advice giving type. To which Daimon responds,

“Because I’m not,” Daimon answered. “However, in order to return home, I have to fulfill some tasks, let’s say. I’m just trying to do that.”

Okay… really dude? Really? You’ve treated everypony with respect up until this point and even then, he still treats her with respect. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, but this is supposed to be a story about redemption. As far as I’m concerned, there is no redemption to this story! It is already made clear that Daimon knows how to treat people with respect and kindness, so why the hell does he have to learn something he already knows?! If he had been acting like a selfish ass to her and everyone else, that would make more sense, but this doesn’t work because the characters are trying to teach him something that he already knows how to do! So why the hell does this story even exist?!

So Romantic Lily goes out and gets some fresh air in the hopes of getting new ideas for her story. And just when you thought we’d have a romantic interest that didn’t strictly play the role of damsel in distress, a group of Timberwolves surround the barn, attacking Romantic.

Daimon goes out to find her and meets up with Zecora. Daimon explains that he needs to find Romantic before the Timberwolves do and Zecora tells him to head into the Everfree forest. And what was the point of having Zecora in this story?

Absolutely fucking nothing!

Daimon finds Romantic fighting off the Timberwolves as he tries to intervene. This only results in him getting his ass kicked. I guess wood is his kryptonite.

Yes, there was even a time when Green Lantern was defeated by a wooden window.

Just as the Timberwolves are about to devour his flesh, Romantic ends up saving him and they flee from the wolves. Damn girl. You may be a writer, but you kick ass.

The two make their way to a where they become trapped between a cliff and the wolves. However, Daimon sees Rainbow Dash and Twilight hovering above them, waiting for them to rescue Daimon and Lily. Daimon looks at Lily and tells her to trust him.

And what’s wrong with this scene? THERE IS NO SUSPENSE!

You already know what is going to happen! Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are going to save them before they hit the fucking ground! Why the hell would you mention that Rainbow Dash and Twilight are right above them?! It kills the fucking suspense and if there is no suspense, there is no reason for the audience to keep reading!

And another thing, the scene plays out exactly like Twilight’s dilemma when she first took on Nightmare Moon. In said dilemma, Twilight is dangling off a cliff, with only Applejack holding onto her. Applejack tells Twilight to simply trust her and allow herself to fall, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ready to catch her.

However, I have a problem with this scene. Why the hell doesn’t Applejack just tell Twilight that she will be rescued by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy? It’s not like they have a time table! It could have taken the same amount of time to tell Twilight about the two pegasi flying just below her as if would have to comforted her enough to trust her.  And for those of you who think “It’s to show the Element of Honesty”. That is still a really stupid way to introduce that! The other elements are introduced so very well, and it upsets me that this was introduced the way it was. But I will give that event credit; at least it kept us in suspense!

Oh, come on, Applejack. It’s not your fault… It’s the author’s fault… Come on, don’t cry… Don’t… shit… Look what you ponies have done to her?! Why do you hate her so?! She just wants to be loved! Is that so wrong?!

So after taking a drunken Twilight and a sleeping Spike home… Don’t ask. … Lily and Daimon have a little romantic moment. And when I say little, I mean, half a sentence. Yeah, you are going to see a lot of pointlessness in this story.

“Aw… I hate when Pinkie Pie spice my drinks… I almost always end up with a hangover…” Twilight said.

Twilight, I don’t think Pinkie Pie spices your drinks! I think she ‘spikes’ it!

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Okay, I’ll let this one slide, but I’m docking points from other misspellings.

So, Daimon goes to the mayor’s offices and gets himself hired as the town’s troubleshooter, doing any odd jobs that the town needs. At least, it’s more masculine than town helper.

Anyway as he is traveling around town, he runs into Lily again, who happens to be nude, like all ponies. Is there a point to him stating that she was nude? Not really. I think that he just likes typing the word nude. Maybe that’s how he gets his jollies if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Daimon asks Lily how he would send a letter to Princess Celestia and Lily asks him to talk to Twilight about it since she was Celestia’s protégé. Lily asks him to respect the princesses a little bit, saying that it might upset somepony that he isn’t intimidated by them.

… Don’t let her see me. She doesn’t like it when I make fun of her… She’ll banish me to the moon, she will! (Yes, I already used this joke in this review.)

“She was just a rumble student not too long ago. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the newest princess in all Equestria, and is still getting used to all of her position.”

Hey, Lily turned into Scooby Doo! Let me try!

Ris rory really rucks!

“Good to know that,” Daimon said with a grin. “And thank you. I’ll keep that in mind when I need to treat them as such, or unless they ask me to.”

Daimon, you’re stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Okay, I really need to move on, because every line of dialogue is just trash and this review is already too long.

Anyway, Daimon goes over to Lily’s house and Lily shows him her books. One such story is about a pony who is changing his ways to become a better pony. The ironic thing is that this story is far superior to the one I’m reading now.

So Daimon starts to go over his backstory again, and boy is it a train wreck. He mentions that his mother was a terrific athlete and that she also has a memory issue. His father was a business man who died while on a business trip… Damn… And I thought the train wreck thing was just a joke… I feel kind of bad now…

Anyway, that’s when the “friends” appeared and started to take money from Daimon’s family. The story goes on as Daimon explains how he became the man of the house, making sure the finances were settled. However, some new kinds of friends started to come into their lives who encouraged Daimon’s mom to send her children off to full-time school so they could manipulate money out of her.

What the fucking hell?! Is everyone in the human world just assholes?! Remind me never to go there!

Anyway, Daimon reminds his mother about their father’s saying about family coming first and she sends the friends away. And what was the point of that? Who fucking knows! As far as I’m concern, that was utterly pointless!

So, he says that he built a tough guy persona to make sure he could protect his mother. And while I do find that admirable, why the hell does he act like an asshole?! There is a distinct different between the two! The tough guy is somebody who isn’t afraid to fight back, but always has the compassion to help others and to do what is right.

An asshole is the exact opposite! An asshole doesn’t care about the feelings of others and doesn’t care who gets in his way! His only focus is on what he wants!

Daimon is not a tough guy! He is an asshole! He bullies other kids, simply because he can. A real tough guy would have defended the kid getting kicked in the back of the head! A real tough guy would have stopped the bullies from beating up the brony! And the tough guy would have let his little sister watch her show, without harassing her! Tough does not translate into being a jerk!

Oh, and then he explains that when he roughed up some kids, he apologized and told them why he did what he did! Yes, because my broken ribs are not as important as your image! I’ll be sure to tell the insurance company what happened when I get out of the hospital! They’ll totally go along with it! The more I dig into this backstory, the more I hate this character!

So after Daimon wraps up his backstory, we can move on to… another freaking backstory?! Are you kidding me?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?!

So, Lily explains that her mother was harsh on her, wanting her to have a good future as a doctor or lawyer or something like that. She then explains that during one of her classes the teacher explains about how to come up with creative worlds and that’s how she earned her cutie mark. However, she realizes that her mother would never approve of her being a writer, which leads to this…

Those damn sloths don’t earn decent money, stay day after day doing nothing useful, wasting paper to write books that nopony reads twice’

Oh, my god. That’s this story! That’s this story in a nutshell! I was looking for the right words to describe this story, but now I don’t have to! It’s literally is in the story itself! Thank you story! Thank you for giving me the words I needed for the ending of my review! That almost makes up for the stupid things that happened in the past five minutes! Almost!

So Lily continues saying that she ran away from home and that she lived all over the place taking odd jobs since her writing wasn’t very successful. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but at the moment it’s eluding me.

So, anyway, she reveals that her parents are coming to Ponyville to visit her and that she is moving away before they get here. She then asks Daimon to help her move since he is the town troubleshooter. Sure, why not? Daimon agrees, but only if Lily faces her parents and tells them how it is. I’m so glad that Daimon is here and can solve everypony’s problem for them. I’m so glad that Twilight and her friends are incapable of helping their friends when they need them or are able to solve their problems! It’s a good thing Daimon is in this story!

Thank God, we are at the halfway point. I don’t know how much more stupid I can take.

Daimon then goes back to Twilight’s house to send his letter to Princess Celestia. He finds Spike and asks him to help him with the sending of his letter. Spike sends it in the usual fashion, which makes Daimon think Spike burned the letter to ashes. And Daimon starts freaking out.

I’ve always wondered how Spike is magically able to send letters to Princess Celestia. Do all dragons have the ability to send postage with their breath? That would sure save on shipping costs.

Anyway, Twilight comes and explains that Spike has the ability to send letters to Celestia via breath and then they talk about Luna and Celestia raising the sun and moon. What does this have to do with the plot? Absolutely nothing.

Anyway, after dinner, Daimon receives Celestia’s reply via Spike. Wait, while I’m thinking about it, how does Princess Celestia transfer mail to Spike? Is there some kind of spell or something that she casts? I don’t know, maybe it’s explained in season 4.

So Celestia’s reply tells him that his family is safe, but that she can’t discuss it in the letter. Why the hell not? And says that she will be in Ponyville six days from now.

Twilight hears about this and starts to freak out wanting everything to be perfect before Celestia arrives.

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So, Daimon goes out to give Twilight some space and bumps into Rarity. They have a conversation about how boys are expected to one thing in the human world and girls are expected to do another. I would say that this is incredibly sexist, but the author doesn’t care anymore, so why should I? After all, you should see the grammar and spelling for this chapter!

Rarity then tells him about the events of Twilight’s birthday and how she almost blew off Twilight’s party all so she could impress some snobs. She even gives some sound advice…

“I learned that day that a lot more important of the image you bring to yourself is the image your friends have of you,” Rarity finally said. “As you said, you paint yourself as a monster to everyone. But you must remember that your true friends can see through it and see that you’re an angel in fact. They will just ask why you’re playing the monster and, probably, help you to be even more convincing.”

Wait, so your friends want to help you be an asshole? Is that what you’re saying?! Because that’s what I get from this! Your real friends want you to assure everyone thinks you’re an asshole! That’s the stupidest advice I’ve ever heard! Rarity, you are stupid!

Rarity then describes the event leading to the defeat of Nightmare Moon. This tells me that the author has no time or effort to put into story, so instead he just describe events that most of us have seen from My Little Pony! I told you he’s not trying anymore!

So anyway, the day finally arrives for Lily’s parents to come visit. Let’s just get this over with.

So they talk to the parent’s, who are, of course, closed minded dumbasses. Daimon, of course, defends her the entire time and doesn’t let Lily defend herself and grow on her own! This seems pretty damn counter-productive! I understand you being there for your friend, but there is a difference between supporting them and fighting their battles for them! If this was just Daimon being a silent pillar of strength that would be one thing, but he’s arguing against the parents for her! That doesn’t make Daimon look strong, it makes Lily look lazy and defenseless, needing someone to come rescue her.

And then Daimon says that he would marry Lily on the spot.

Wait, you mean to tell me that Lily this whole time was… The romantic interest?!

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The parents want to discuss their daughter’s problems with Princess Celestia. Yeah, because I’m sure the ruler of Equestria would want to get involved with a private family matter. Daimon, being the ever loving idiot that he is, invites the parents to a meeting with Celestia, who will be arriving in Ponyville tomorrow.

Daimon goes home after finishing his job and comes to the smell of meat that Spike is cooking.

His nose quickly filled with the scent from the kitchen and he smiled. “So long I haven’t felt this smell

How do you feel smell?! Daimon, you are an idiot!

So Spike gives Daimon the meat that he had been cooking, and he even asks Spike to try some, which he seems to enjoy.

It’s only a matter of time now before Spike starts to discover how juicy pony meat is. It all started with this…

That night, Daimon gets a visit from Luna and they talk about what Daimon has learned about friendship.

“Ponyville has been showing me that sometimes friendship is useful, I admit.”

You’re a dick!

And then Luna describes what happened during her first return to Nightmare Night and how Twilight helped her make friends. I didn’t know this story was about the characters telling us what they did in My Little Pony. I’m sure glad our time was spent on this instead of developing our story and our plot, since at this point; the story is boring as hell!

But it turns out that Luna does have a point in being here. She tells Daimon that Lily’s parents are starting to have nightmares about him attacking and torturing them. That is the single dumbest thing ever! I hate this story!

So Daimon decides to explain the situation to Luna. Every single nerve pinching, ear bleeding, head scratching, ball punching, eye poking, butt waxing moment that lead up this in full detail, even though anyone who had actually given a shit about this story already knows what the fuck is going on! I HATE THIS STORY!

And then Luna starts to … explain what happened to cause her to become Nightmare Moon?!

…

I’m fine… I’m fine… I just… am going a bit crazy… but I’m fine…

So … anyway…

Luna and Daimon start discussing what would happen if Celestia were to turn evil and what her name would be. Yeah, because I’m sure that will play out really well in our plot.

Luna reveals that she never suspected him of wrong doing and she states that ponies have even started to fall in love with him. Sure, why not? It makes as much sense as everything else in this stupid piece of shit so far.

So, the day finally comes for Celestia to arrive to talk to Daimon. Twilight is, as always, freaking out. Daimon ends up comforting her by… kissing her? … You know what? I don’t care, let’s just finish this up!

Celestia then arrives and Daimon says the dumbest thing he’s possibly said in this story and believe me that is not an easy feat.

“Do unto others only what you would like them do to you. For example, I hate being addressed formally, so I avoid doing so with others as often as I can.”

So, let me get this straight… Because you beat up a kid half your size to a bloody pulp, I can do the same to you? Okay then!

He’s going to keep doing that til his arm gets tired. DO UNTO OTHERS, FUCKER!

So, they invite Celestia to breakfast when they are interrupted by Romantic Lily. Romantic says she wants to be there to support him when he speaks to Celestia, just like he was there for her when she spoke with her parents. Which means that she will fight his battles for him or some bull crap like that, I don’t know, let’s just finish this stupid thing.

Celestia then reveals that the person looking after Daimon’s family is actually the brony he knocked unconscious… Wait, what?

Why is he taking care of this guy’s family?

Celestia answered. “His name is Karl Fox and he is actually taking care of your family and is particularly friendly with your sister for some reason I don’t understand.”

Well, I’m sure there is nothing wrong with Fox going into his sister’s room and sitting… in a chair with her … in the dark…just the two of them… watching a show about… Oh, god! Somebody call the police! We’ve got a minor with a possible pedophile! Celestia, how could you do this to a little girl?!

Anyway, Celestia reveals that Daimon wasn’t brought here to be taught the magic of friendship. Daimon is confused by this and so am I since the whole fucking plot has been about Daimon’s redemption. But it turns out that Celestia brought Daimon here because Luna is once again slowly becoming Nightmare Moon!

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… Wait, what?!

Are you fucking serious?! Are you fucking serious, right now?! We are seriously going that route! We are seriously going to do this! Are you high?! Are you stupid?! What in your right mind told you that this would suffice for a plot?! We are at the final two chapters of the story and now you want to change the premise of the story on us?! That is the single dumbest decision you have made in this story! You are fired from writing! Ever!

So, Luna arrives and the gang is all here to discuss what Daimon has learned about friendship and the events that helped lead him to learning about them.

“Applejack is an athletic mare, that’s no doubt. Strong and agile, she’s also very smart and thinks quickly,” Luna nodded.

“But I’m better,” Daimon said with a chuckle.

Suck my fucking cock, Daimon! You are a piece of fucking shit compared to Applejack! No! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t insult a piece of shit like that! You are worse than shit! You are… indescribably worse than shit! You are… Super Sayian 3 shit! The shit Gods of the universe worship how much of a piece of shit that you are, claiming that you will someday lead your people into making the world a worse place to live by how much of a piece of shit that you are!

So he goes through the long list of lessons that he learned, shoving them down our throats for the hundredth time. I’m thinking about unfriending several people on Facebook just to even this shit out!

So, Celestia says that she will send Daimon home tomorrow stating that he’s learned his lesson. Because he learned that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed onto others, right?

Lily and Daimon make this speech about not forgetting each other and I so wish this story was over, but no, we have two more chapters to go. And for anyone who is actually reading this piece of shit, I apologize.

So, anyway, Daimon goes home after wishing the ponies farewell. Karl comes up to the door and is glad to see that he has returned and Daimon gives him a hug… Aw, that’s so… Not cute at all.

Daimon asks why Karl was helping out Daimon’s family and Karl doesn’t really give him a straight answer. So, I’ll invent my own…

Daimon: Why are you helping my family?

Karl: Well, I wanted to see your little sister’s magic.

Daimon: Wait, huh?

Karl: Had to make myself a unicorn, if you know what I mean.

Daimon: What the hell?

Karl: The Elements of Harmony were shining that day.

Daimon: You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!

Yeah, I think that works…

So it turns out that Karl hasn’t been the only unicorn around, with Karl’s father dating Daimon’s mom. This is… really awkward.

So his sister Angela… Wait… (looks back at the first chapter) Oh, sweet merciful crap! The little sister’s name is Elisa! Why the hell did you change her name?! Is this some alternate universe and Daimon is too stupid to realize it?! Does the author just not care anymore?! Oh, screw it!

He tells his sister, whoever the fuck she’s supposed to be, about his adventures in Equestria. Oh, good, because this story could not be long enough…

As the days go on, he longs to be with the mare he loves, Romantic Lily and wants to go back to Equestria. He begins to practice his magic… that’s right, he’s practicing magic in the human world. Even though in the first chapter it was established that he couldn’t use magic in the human world and his magical abilities were never mentioned before this point in any of the chapters, but hey, the author threw up their hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

And to show how much more the author doesn’t care, they throw this shit at us.

Maybe humans have their versions of the three kinds? The “earth humans”, the “magic humans” and the “flying humans” were after all a part of human society. The ones that love the earth above everything else, those that decide to take the sky and, of course, the magicians… maybe some of those shows I saw in the past weren’t just illusions after all…”

Pfft, science! Pfft, history! I scoff at the idea!

So Daimon’s mom gets married, he learns to practice magic and this story just keep going! This is longer than the fucking Lord of the Rings epilogue.

Oh, and he gives us this bullshit about how he can use magic in the human world.

“Maybe something happened to me in Ponyville that changed me and allowed me to do so…” Daimon chuckled. “Or maybe we always could, but we forgot how to do so…”

I am the great and powerful, Mary –Sue… I mean, Daimon! I know all and see all! I can do whatever the fuck I want! Fuck logic!

So, Luna visits him and says that they will take him back to Equestria and Daimon says that he never wants to come back to the human world. There is some other stuff here, but frankly, it’s too painful to read.

So, he gets back to Ponyville, but finds out the Romantic Lily is not where they said she was. But enough about that, Daimon wants to be a pony. Sure, why the hell not? Luna and Celestia promise to give him a transformation spell that can transform him into one, but he must find Romantic first. Not sure what she has to do with it, but hey, I don’t care.

He goes to Niagara Fall and finds Lily with almost no issue. And nopony knew where she was because why?

And so our story ends with Lily telling Daimon about the new story she wrote the Exile of Daimon…

Ha, ha, ha! I get it, because that is the title of this story! This… poorly written, unentertaining, uninteresting, uninvesting, ill-conceived piece of utter trash!

This story is incredibly bad! The story goes nowhere fast! The poor grammar and spelling distract you to the point of exhaustion. The characters are not written very well, with Daimon leading the charge. I cannot believe how bad this character is! He’s a jackass that thinks him being a jackass is justified and for that matter so does everyone else! He doesn’t learn his lessons and as far as I’m concerned undermines the entire redemption process!

There are several plot points that are brought up throughout the story that are never explored upon! What about the Nightmare Moon plot?! That didn’t fucking go anywhere! Or what about Evil Celestia?! Nope, not connected to anything! What about the sudden attractiveness that mares have for Daimon?! No answers here!

The plot is stupid, makes no sense and overall is just a waste of time! This story could have ended at chapter 3 with it being a bad, but not horrible story. But the author had to just drag it on and on and it was so fucking boring! After chapter 3, nothing fucking happens! There is no investment into Daimon’s trial, because he isn’t struggling! Because it isn’t difficult for him and if things come so easily for him, why the flying Dutchman of a fuck should I even give a crap about him?!

This story is just painful to sit through and I am really glad that a sequel will never be made.

And, by the way, yes. I am working on a sequel to this. However, the burst of inspiration is gone, and I'm kinda struggling to finish the first chapter off. Be a bit more patient, please?

Not on my watch, you won’t! If you’ll excuse me

I’ve got a human in Equestria to hunt down. Have a great day guys!

The Poncho Chronicles I: The Beans

Warning: This review contains vulgar language and gory images. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Sometimes there are groups of ponies that can give you ideas on where to begin your search for crappy stories. After having a discussion with another young writer, I’ve found a new story that I can rip into and dear lord is it awful. This one is a special kind of awful with unlikable characters, a plot that doesn’t make a lick of sense and plot holes King Kong could fit through.

But let’s not waste any more time, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles 1: The Beans by BRyeMC

On a relaxing day in August,

Bored already…

So, apparently the main character Poncho and his friends are on a bus ride back home from a football game in … Seaddle? Is that pronounced Sea Dull? Is it a play on word of saddle and Seattle? I am assuming so, since the football team is named the Seacawks. … The Seacawks? The Seacawks?! Really?! You just gave ponies an easy way for them to make fun of your story as immature as it may be! And keep in mind, I’m not even done with the first paragraph yet!

We then get some information about Poncho and learn that he is a good friend and a comical one. (Which is funny because he has not one funny line in this whole damn thing, so that was utterly pointless). Also, his cutie mark seems to be a couch with a game controller and a bag of chips. So I guess that makes his special talent looking like this guy…

So I guess he’s good friends with Twilight Sparkle and the group, although it is never explained why, it just kind of is. The group says that they are in Seaddle to do research for Twilight. What kind of research you ask? Well, it’s… um… I have no idea. The story doesn’t make that clear to us and we have no idea why Twilight and the others are there. Oh, right. Now I remember why they are there, because the author wants them to be there. Yeah, stories don’t work that way.

Also, a spell was casted on everypony that made their wings and horns completely useless and their personalities shifted in case the author messed up their personalities… Wait what?!

Are you fucking serious?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! We are not even 500 words in and already I hate this story! That’s a record dude! I think this is a brand spanking new record about how stupid this story already is! Congratulations! I didn’t think it was possible, but you did it! I mean, why would you actually explain how the hell this would have happened and the fact that the wings of a Pegasus couldn’t work! A unicorn I could at least understand! In the story where they first meet Zecora, Twilight’s horn was poisoned so that it couldn’t work! It probably interrupted her magic, but what about Pegasi wings?!

They’re not like a spell that somepony casts, it’s a fucking limb! That would be like casting a spell to make your arm or leg or even mouth stop working! It makes no fucking sense! What? Did you decide that making this spooky slasher story with characters that can use wings was too hard, so you had to make up some bull shit about this?!

And the personality thing?! What the fuck is up with that?! Did you decide that you weren’t going to watch the show so you made up this bull shit about their personalities mysteriously being changed to suit your needs?! Your vision of how you perceive them! Well, I’ve got to tell you?! You failed! You failed miserably! All hail to the king of fail!

I should just stop the review right there! First 500 words and already I want to strangle a puppy! Pray for Armageddon everypony, we still have 22000 words of this shit!

So, the bus drives along and everypony on it is surprisingly bitchy. With Spike being the absolute worst I’ve ever seen him portrayed in a story. Just look at this dialogue.

“I’ve got the fucking munchies, so we’re stopping,” said Twilight’s dragon friend, Spike.

“Spike, that’s not n—” began Applejack.

“Shut up. No one cares Applejack,” retorted Spike

What is with the Applejack hatred everypony?! This is completely unjustified and comes the fuck out of nowhere?! Yes, there is supposed to be some magic that changes the character’s personality, but makes this scene even more stupid!

They come across a town which is comprised of drug dealers, hookers and gangsters. Yeah, because that’s a great place to bring a gathering of kids. Anyway ,the bus driver tells them to be back in thirty minutes or they are leaving them behind.

We then get introduced to Clyde who is the group’s “true point guard”. They say he’s a friend who is always there for pony, except for the fact that he agrees with the bus driver about leaving ponies behind if they don’t make it back to the bus in time. Leaving me to think he’s a liar, liar, and his pants are on fire.

The group splits up, traveling in pairs with Poncho going off on his own, which the narration points out is pretty damn stupid. Hey, narrator, pointing out stupid things ponies do is my thing! If I let you do it, then I’d be out of a job! Which at this point wouldn’t be so bad.

Rainbow Dash and another pony named Tyrone go to a convenient store in the hopes of finding some food.

Rainbow Dash, what choo gettin’?”

Gesundheit… What? Sometimes I have to reach for the jokes…

We then get introduced to Tyrone, who is apparently a carbon copy of Clyde. Thanks for the clone. That was really necessary. Rainbow Dash races to the restroom with Tyrone shouting…

“Sheeeeeeiiit...” Tyrone said, as he watched her walk away.

…The hell was that?! …

Sheeeeeiiitt…”

Why the hell would you talk like this?! No wonder I can never understand what kids say now a days.

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Anyway, we then get introduced to another character named Wahlburn. Seriously, this guy jams more characters into his story than King Mykan did. And that’s a feat in itself.

It turns out that Wahlburn is heavily addicted to weed and offers Spike some, which oddly enough he takes. God, you kept no part of how the characters normally act, did you? This is going to make this thing a nightmare to read.

Wahlburn is described as a heavy smoker, drinker and pretty much a druggy. I’m sure he feels right at home. He and Spike are commenting on the creepy old man they saw as they entered the town.

Wahlburn theorizes that he is a serial killer and Spike says this…

“If he is, I hope he kills Applejack and not me,” said Spike with a tint of pleasure.

Spike, you are a fucking piece of worthless shit and Wahlburn is even more insignificant!

We then get introduced to Jed, another character who everyone hates simply because he is gay. Yes, because being gay is a justifiable reason to hate someone! Getting to know someone before you judge them?! What a stupid concept!

We then have the gang gather at the bus and we are introduced to another character by the name of Cannon. Look, I was just kidding about the King Mykan thing, but Jesus he really does introduce more pointless characters than him! Here I was hoping I was done with that stupidity! It is revealed that Cannon is a Nazi, that somehow has no ill will towards Jews or other minorities, but as soon as you mention gays, he follows Himmler’s solution.

If you will excuse me, I am going to bang my head against this story in the hopes that some of my intellect will make it into this story, and make it less stupid!

So, it turns out that Poncho is still missing from the group, but as they stated, the group decides to leave him behind with Rainbow Dash deciding to break character (according to the magic fairy dust of “I’m the author and what I say goes, even if it makes no fucking sense”) and they leave Poncho alone in the town.

Yes, let’s leave our best friend in the city full of psychos, killers, rapist, druggies and muggers, I’m sure that will go over well…

THE FIRST FUCKING CHAPTER AND I ALREADY HATE THIS STORY!

We cut back to Poncho who discovers that he has been left behind by his friends. Dude, you seriously need some new friends, allow me to introduce you to these wonderful ponies that would love to help you…

Oh… wait. They’re a bunch of assholes in this story. Never mind.

Poncho goes into one of the stores to use a phone, when he is knocked unconscious by a man with a mask shaped like a bean. I have no idea how nobody manage to stop this masked man, considering Poncho was AT THE FREAKING BAR, WHILE THE OTHER GUY WAS AT THE FREAKING DOOR, SEVERAL FEET AWAY! SECOND CHAPTER GUYS! AND I’M ALREADY USING CAPS LOCK!

Anyway, when Poncho wakes up, he meets a strange man named Xarlin, who manage to scare off the criminal with his “Remmington 870”. That is a shotgun for those of us who don’t know, making me wonder why he didn’t just call it a freaking shotgun! Also, Remington is spelled wrong. Wonderful, you can’t even get the name of the gun right!

The author seems to be going back and forth between stating who ponies are and who people are. Is this another human in Equestria story? Aw, screw it!

Poncho tries again to contact his friends, though I use the term friends lightly, in hopes that they will come back for him. Xarlin shows him the phone and Poncho calls another one of his friends, who we are just being introduced to, Patel.

Great, more characters I don’t give a shit about.

He is able to get in contact with Patel and Patel says that they are a mile down the road and that the bus has broken down. Poncho asks if they are going to be a while and Patel tells him that they could be there for a long time, telling Poncho to walk to them.

Or you know, Poncho could call the police and have them pick them up or help them out! Or call a repairman to help fix the bus! Or again, call the freaking police to have them deal with the criminals that attacked you!

So, Patel finishes his conversation by telling Poncho that they are all (even the main 6 apparently) are going to get high off weed. I can’t tell if the author is trying to be funny or if he is serious. Either way, it’s painful. Poncho hangs up and passes out.

He then appears… back on the bus? What the fuck?! The bus then crashes and erupts into a ball of fire, killing all of his friends.

And then he wakes up back in the convenient store. …

I don’t get it either…

So Poncho leaves the town and travels back up the road in the hopes of finding his friends.

We cut back to Poncho’s friends where the bus has broken down and after some needlessly mean-spirited making fun of the gay character… You know what? These characters are so bland, I’m not even going to bother remembering names. From now on I refer to these characters as thusly…

Poncho – The Dumbass

Wahlburn – The Druggie

Jeb – The Gay Pony

Everyone else – Stupids 1-6

(Honestly, everypony else is interchangeable)

So the characters do what they have done so far, get high and make fun of characters for being themselves. And it is as painful as you could imagine.

Meanwhile, the driver, who has a name, but frankly I don’t care, goes to check why the bus has broken down. I think maybe the bus committed suicide because it knew it was in a piece of shit story.

So we then get introduced to ANOTHER character, though by this point, you’re probably hoping this is a slasher fic, and all of them get to die soon. Really soon.

After that, they then drift to sleep. And what has this story done for us so far?

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Took the words right out of my mouth.

Anyway, morning comes and they look for the bus driver, who has mysteriously vanished. The Dumbass is peer pressured by his friends to go out and find him. We then get introduced to another character… Good fucking god, there is a trail of blood on the bus! And you want to stop all that for a character, who isn’t even worthy of telling us about in the first chapter! There is fucking blood on the fucking bus, you idiot! Show us that! Don’t tell us about another character! We have enough idiots running around without another one!

After being introduced to Stupid 8, Dumbass finally decides to go look for him. (And now you know why his name is Dumbass). After a few minutes, he finds a house with a spot of blood on the door.

They go inside and find that the house has been abandoned for years. They travel to the basement where they find the bus driver’s body.

He killed the best character in the story, within the first few chapters… Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting metaphors. It’s around here somewhere.

So, the group finds a shotgun on the body of the dead bus driver and notices that it is the same gun that Xaldir was wielding.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

The group decides to wait around the bus in the hopes of waiting out the killer. Um… Are you people fucking stupid?! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called a repairman! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called the police! And for that matter, Stupid number 3 has a fucking phone! He could call someone to come get them! Or he could call the police right now! He has service since Dumbass was able to call him back at the town! There is no reason why 9-1-1 wouldn’t work!

Oh, and I haven’t even begun to describe the terrible formatting for the story! This story is painful to read, with every paragraph smashed into each other.

Like this, see how difficult it is to read when the paragraphs are crunched together like this!

Sure makes it difficult to read, huh? Right now I’m just rambling so that I can prove a point and hopefully makes these paragraphs a little longer!

Have I proven my point yet?!

Then Rainbow Dash brings in the only logical thing this story has said so far.

“Why are we waiting in a bus when there’s a killer in the house fifty feet from us?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Hey, she’s got a point. Fortunately, for the characters, they agree with her and decide to pack up their things and rough it in the forest. They travel down the road, again, we’re ignoring the fact that they clearly had reception in that area before, unless the satellites hate these characters as much as I do.

So they decide to stop after Twilight sees a pattern in one of her books that matches one of the patterns seen in the house.

Convenient or Contrived, take your pick.

Twilight said she had seen them before… even though in the previous chapter Twilight didn’t mention them or even brought it up, but hey, I’ve given up at this point. Twilight reveals that the markings represent a cult called Phaselus Civilis. The legend says that if they run into one of these members then bad luck will follow you.

The others ask if any of them ran into one of these members, but nopony knows anything. Twilight then finds an envelope that contains a photo of… Oh, my god! The murderer killing the bus driver! … Who we already knew was already dead… Why is this shocking again?

The photo however does reveal that there was a masked man within it and that Dumbass had seen one of them before. Just as he is about to explain, they are attack by the cult. They get away but find out that several of their friends are missing, including Applejack, the Gay one and Stupids 2 and 4. I don’t care if you don’t know who Stupids 2 and 4 are, they don’t matter.

And if you don’t believe me, the author himself says that none of the other characters feel sorry that the characters are missing, including Applejack. Good fucking Christ! I know she’s not the most interesting character to you guys, but that’s no reason to absolutely hate her! It’s not like she goes around killing ponies and treats others like shit! Except in these kinds of stories apparently!

Finally, Twilight manages to talk some sense into the others and they agree to split up letting six of them hunt down the missing characters, while the others go and try to find help. So Stupid 3, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Dumbass agree to go look for their missing friends. And why the hell is Rarity not going with them, since Applejack is her friend?

Oh, yeah! I forgot! This author doesn’t respect the character’s personalities in the show and doesn’t think they should be a portrayed as six friends, who together are a near unstoppable force based on trust and love for one another!

Not that kind of love!

So, I guess that the group looks around for the others (its written so poorly it’s hard to make out) but to no avail and make their way back to their old camp where Stupid 1 is waiting for them. However, the other members of his group are missing as they went ahead after he sprained his hoof.

Rainbow Dash volunteers to stay with Stupid 1, while the others go off to look for the others still missing, I think. I don’t know it’s very rushed pacing.

The others wander through the forest and find Stupid 3 impaled on a tree. They discover that the killer is, of course, the cult, whatever its name is. I just don’t care. I’m just waiting for them all to die so I can stop reading this.

They go back to Stupid 1 and Rainbow Dash and tell them about the death of their friend. Stupid 1 doesn’t take the news well about his best friend dying. Oh, yes. Truly you two were the best of friends. In honor of him, let us take the time to reflect on all the times you two spent together…

…

Wow, those were great times.

They hear some screeches and decide to get out of the area; because the dead body wasn’t a good enough reason, I guess. Leaving Stupid 1 behind, which just makes me hate this story more as the cult apparently kills him too. Gee, that was sure quick. I didn’t even get to know his name or anything about him. This is precisely the problem!

I don’t know who these characters are! I don’t care who these characters are! There is nothing any of them have said or done to make me invested in the characters! And if I’m not invested in the characters, then I’m not exactly sad when they die!  And if I don’t care about them, then why should I be reading about them?!

Seriously, I cared more about the bus that committed suicide then I do any of these characters!

We then cut to the secondary group where Spike and Druggie are arguing, as the author puts it, pointless and irrelevant

Great words to describe this story!

Stupid 6 goes to find firewood when he is followed by Rarity. There’s some other stuff here, but frankly I don’t give a crap. Rarity reveals to Stupid 6 that she doesn’t want to hang around with a group of guys that she doesn’t know and do drugs.

Then why the hell did you decided to go with Druggie’s group and not with Twilight?! I’m thinking about naming you Stupid 9, Rarity.

So Stupid 6 puts his sweater on Rarity to protect her from the cold air. Five bucks says they have pony sex by the end of this. They start to carry on a romantic conversation, which goes by so fast you could barely tell they had it. Thanks for telling us all about their conversation, instead of actually showing us it!

They return to camp with the others passed out on weed and Rarity and Stupid 6 deciding to do the same.

We then cut back to our main group who are discussing what to do around a campfire.  And what does this scene do for us? I have no fucking idea. We aren’t developing our characters or our plot, so that makes this scene completely pointless.

We then cut back to our secondary group (seriously I’ve seen tennis games that go back and forth less than this) where Druggie and Spike, big shocker here, are getting high again. Is getting high their only personality trait? Because that is weak, weak, weak writing!

Druggie and Stupid 5 get into an argument, with Stupid 5 saying that he actually wants to make something of himself. And what exactly is that?

“Well then fuck you, you chickenfucker!”

Hey, that’s not nice to say that about Scootaloo!

Oh, come on. I have to at least make one Scootaloo chicken joke in my career! Even though they aren’t funny.

So, the argument goes back and forth with the f bomb being dropped every other word, making me look like a saint by comparison. We then find out that Druggie was cheated on by the mare he loved. This would be a shocking and heartfelt revelation, if I actually gave a crap!

So the argument just … kind of stops, and Druggie and Spike go back to smoking weed. Gee, I wonder if Druggie’s past love will actually matter in the long term. I sure hope so. Otherwise, this scene would have been completely pointless!

Anyway, the main group finally meets up with the secondary group and everyone who the author actually gives a shit about is all here. And there is not a single one of them that I actually care about! Seriously, it’s pretty sad when standing next to the six main characters of the show, the bus is my favorite character, because it did the only thing smart in this story! Getting the fuck out of it!

They explain what happened to Stupid 3 and 1 and how they were still unable to find Applejack and the others.

“Shieeettt, now I’m da only brotha out here...” said Tyrone, “tha dude was fly.”

What hell is that?! That isn’t even spelt the same as the last time you wrote it!

Spike stays completely in character with this line,

Let’s be frank, do we even really care about them?” said Spike, “I mean, what have they done that’s so important for us to save them?”

Yeah, Applejack never did anything for you, Spike. Not a single thing. She never saved you or helped you in any kind of way that you might owe her your life or something that proves she is a true friend and deeply cares about your wellbeing. Nope, not a single fucking thing. … By the way, explain this?

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Yeah, how fucking dare she try to save your ass and put her own life in jeopardy?! How fucking dare she distract those beasts to chase after her so you can run for safety?! How fucking dare she show of how great she is by nearly dying, just so she could save your sorry excuse for a life?! How fucking dare her?! Clearly, Applejack is truly shit! She is truly the worst kind of pony that could ever exist in the history of existing ponies! Saving someone else?! Fuck that shit! Protecting those you care about?! What a stupid concept! Actually showing concern when someone needs your help?! Pfft, I scoff at the idea!

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So, Twilight asks what the secondary group has done since they departed.

Absolutely nothing,” said Cannon

That’s an understatement.

Stupid 6 then explains to Twilight that Rarity was upset because the girls left her to find Applejack.

They volunteered, Rarity! They decided that they wanted to risk their lives to find their friend, you idiot! And they’re the villains?! What the fucking hell?! You know what? I am no longer referring to you as Rarity! From now on, you are Stupid 9, since you act nothing like the Rarity I love!

Just before they are about to turn in for the night, the cult attacks them.

Finally, the half-way point. Yes, this story has been shorter than others, but god does it feel like I’ve been reading this for years.

The group decides the best thing to do is to run away, but Twilight discovers that Stupid 9 isn’t with them. Stupid 6 tells Twilight that he will go get her, since he is her friend. Stupid 9 has been friends with Twilight for at least three seasons! And all of a sudden, this stallion, who she has known for all of 5 minutes, is suddenly more important to her than Twilight and the others!

And even if I were to buy that bullshit, they are being attacked by psychopaths that want to kill them! I think Stupid 9 would be willing to put aside her hatred against Twilight considering the circumstances!

And if you say that “Twilight might be trying to trick her” That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in the long list of stupid things I’ve heard!

So, Stupid 6 decides to let Stupid 9 sleep on his back while they run from the psychopaths…

This is it, everypony. This is the point where the author threw his hooves in the air and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

So, they start to retreat with Spike and Druggie running at the speed of an Olympic Sprinter due to their weed. Sure, I’ll believe whatever you want, if it ends this story quicker.

We then cut to the gay one and Applejack. Yes, they are still in this story… Lord knows they haven’t contributed anything so far. I think the author just found them as an excuse for more horrific death.  Applejack convinces the gay one to help her find the group. And the scene ends… Why was there a point to that scene again?

We cut back to the main group where we find that Dumbass has been shot in the leg. Stupid 6 comes over… Oh, wait sorry, “The strong, brave, heroic Stupid 6” as the story puts it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the author was trying to make the audience like Stupid 6, by telling us how “he is the greatest and he is the strongest, and kindest pony in the whole world”! While describing everypony else as, “Stupid, crybabies and retards”!

Because you told us how your character is SO much better than everypony else, it must be true! After all, you are the author and I HATE THIS STORY SO FUCKING MUCH!

The group is about to be attacked by the others when Applejack leaps out of the forest and disarms several of their pursuers.

Applejack gets blindsided by one of them as he points his gun for the killing blow. But the gay one runs in the middle of the shot, taking the bullet for Applejack.

Wow… That scene… So much emotion… So powerful… Jeb… Since you deserve your name… We will never forget your sacrifice that you made for Applejack. I never thought I’d say this about this story, but... That was actually kind of emotional. I mean, my god. Here is the story about a hidden friendship that nopony thought would ever happen. Only in death do they realize the true meaning of friendship. The potential character development that Applejack could possibly go though, it might actually be enough to keep this story a float! You did it! You actually got me interested in what will happen… Jeb, do you have any final words to your friend, who you sacrificed yourself to save?

"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.

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YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! You did it! You fucking did it! You managed to take the only scene that I actually gave a shit about and you destroyed it! You destroyed it so badly that it wasn’t able to be recognized! You burned with acid and made sure that this scene rotted in hell for all of eternity! You stole any respect I had for this scene and your abilities of storytelling! Somebody kill me! Please, somebody kill me! End the madness! End the fucking madness!

So, Applejack regroups with the gathering of insensitive assholes and asks what has happened since they were separated.

“Nothing really,” said Cannon.

Dude! Like five ponies have died! And you call that nothing?!

They explain what happened to the others and travel along the road, impossibly finding themselves back at the house where the bus driver died. Were they just wondering in circles the entire time? I know they were in a forest and that they were being chased by psychopaths, but really?

“You have to be fucking kidding me!!!” yelled Wahlburn, “looks like we are all going to die after all.”

We can only hope.

They find a mysterious message on the wall and Twilight picks a seemingly random book off the shelf and starts reading it, instantly finding the words she needs to translate it. Seriously, how is it that in a room with hundreds of books, Twilight has the power to instantly know what book she needs to read to get her answers?

Instead of getting out of the house of the people that are trying to kill them, they continue to investigate, hoping to find some clues. They find a map which reveals a series of underground tunnels when they are suddenly spotted by Xaldin.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

He says that he was the one that killed the bus driver and that his members have taken the lives of the others. He captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king.

The druggie tries to attack them, but it turns out they are illusions… Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as the personality changing spell.

So, as I said before, Xavier.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever. Captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king. Anyone else getting Deja vu?

The cult takes them into the tunnels and leads them to the king. The king who demands respect in his throne room! The king who murdered at least five ponies to achieve his end game! The pony named… Charles?... Seriously? Charles? Why don’t you just name him Bob or George? Those would be more intimidating names than fucking Charles?! Even your own minions laugh at your name!

“Sir,” said Xarlin, “wouldn’t it be better to actually use your official name? You know, to scare them off a bit? I mean Fabalis Rex sounds a lot more intimidating than...Charles.”

Thank you, Xuperman.

You’re not even trying anymore.

Computer, the author hasn’t tried for the past six chapter, why should I?

So, Charles tells them about the offer to join his group and when Xingledorf tells them that they are his prisoners, Charles acts thusly…

Damnit, Xarlin! You told me these were your friends, not enemies! Why would you do such a thing! I’m trying to make us look proper and intelligent, but you have to capture them? Well, I ought to banish you from our cult!” Xarlin put his head down in embarrassment. Charles looked back to the others and smiled, “Just kidding.

This story just took a bizarre 180 turn on me. Did I skip a chapter or something?

So, Druggie, being the ever loving genius that he is, insults Charles and Charles unleashes his son, who looks like an executioner from the dark ages. He even has a double bladed ax like one.  And it turns out the executioner is Charles’s son and he is named… Janice?

Pfft… seriously?! I know it’s immature but…

Janice flung his axe straight through the center of Walburn’s skull, leaving symmetrical halves of his brain lying on the extravagantly tiled floor of the throne room.

Holy shit!

Okay… um… I take back every hurtful thing I’ve said in this review. And not because there is a psycho who will kill me if I don’t.

So, I guess Druggie is dead and Charles decides to give them all a room to stay in. Oh, yeah. Let’s stay with the guy who is clearly a murdering psychopath! I don’t foresee anything going wrong there!

… Lead the way…

So, it turns out the rooms are actually prison cells. So… I guess they are prisoners, even though that Charles, clearly said they weren’t.

So the group decides to turn in for the night, feeling that whatever plan that Charles has for them, they won’t be able to deal with it until morning.

“Sheeeeiit...,” began Tyrone, “I wanted the bed.”

What is that?! What the freaking hell is that?! Why can’t you just say ‘Shit’?! Why can’t you talk like a normal person?! Why am I still reading this … SHEEEEIIIT?!

Poncho reveals that the dream he had. You know, the one dream that was completely forgotten up until now, actually revealed the order in which his friends died in. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but whatever.

Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 get in a cell together and they start making lovey to each other. Who beat against them? Cough up the money!

The next morning the guards come in and yell at our heroes, though I use the term heroes lightly.

“King Charles wants to see you and your friends, ASAP.”

No, hurry though! Take your time! We are in no hurry! Take as long as you need! Just whenever possible!

So, Charles inspects the group and tells Stupid 6 and Stupid 5 that they will be both used as special gladiators. Sure, whatever.

Charles says that he expects them both to fight to the death, but Stupid 6 isn’t having any of it. Fortunately, Stupid 5 stops him from getting himself killed. Or is it unfortunately? I can’t tell at this point.

Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 gather weapons and head for the ring. Why don’t they just use those weapons to take down the guards? Now, you know why they are all appropriately named Stupid.

They battle a liger, which I admit to being kind of a cool battle. They manage to kill the creature and are approved to live. Oh, glorious…

A week passes by with the two doing the same thing. I thought this was a horror-slasher story! When did this become Gladiator! Seriously, did I skip a chapter?

Seriously, why are you changing the genre on us?! You had set up a slasher story and had stuck with that for the majority of the story and now you are throwing in this ancient Rome style storytelling. Was the slasher part of your story too boring so you had to make up this new crap to try and entertain us? Just stick with one genre and go with it! That was established in the first 2/3s of the story! And now you want to change the entire premise?!

Meanwhile, Dumbass and the other two Stupids (with the exception of Rarity’s stupid clone) work in the mines as they are too weak to fight in the arena. Though it would be sort of entertaining to watch them get torn apart by some rapid beast… What?! I need something to entertain me over this story!

What happens to Twilight and the other girls, you ask? … Yeah, that isn’t made very clear. I’m guessing it has something to do with him sexually assaulting them (given this story it wouldn’t exactly surprise me), but that isn’t made clear. The most we get is,

Clyde asked Rarity one night if Charles had hurt her, or the others, and she replied that there was no harm to them on any accord.

So, I guess over the span of a couple of weeks Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 have become very close. And how have they become so close? The author said so that’s why! The author skipped over anything that might resemble them attempting to have a conversation! Thanks for showing us how they got so close to each other!

So the day comes for the final battle against the champion, Janice. Charles says that Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 don’t stand a chance, since Janice is immortal. Yeah, we’ll see.

Remember how much respect I had for the last fight scene? There is none to be had for this one, especially not after this stupid line.

Janice was yelling at the top of his lungs the greatest battle cry anyone there had ever heard.

How exactly was it the greatest battle cry I’ve ever heard? Was it like a thunderclap echoing in the distance? Did the earth shake beneath your feet as his booming voice roared throughout the stadium? Did it sound like this?!

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So they fight for a while, with Janice finally getting the upper hoof. We are then described that the two Stupids were always good at setting up basketball alleyoops back home. Wow, I’m so glad we established that so early in the story. What was that like Chapter 1? And now 10 chapters later, it finally has a purpose? Well, it’s a good thing anyone who was actually reading didn’t forget that plot point that came up for… half a sentence? I mean, it was the thing that tied the story together! Without it, this story surely would have fallen apart! Surely this story could not have survived without that crucial element! I’m so glad that piece of plot came together at the end!

So Stupid 5 and 6 do their “special alleyoop move” and defeat Janice, killing him. What was that about immortal again? Why would you even bring that up if he wasn’t fucking immortal?! Was it to build tension?! You could have done that another way! Why not just say, “He has massacred armies that are more experienced than you!” Or “He single-hoofly tore off a dragon’s head!” That would have worked instead of killing something that you clearly established was immortal!

So, Charles is upset that his son is dead and he does his dramatic twist, I guess. How dramatic is this? You all saw this one coming. They have to fight each other to the death… I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. It’s so obvious that I have no need for it. Hell, even the characters in the story knew this twist was coming.

Stupid 5 refuses to kill his friend, but Charles says he has no choice. Stupid 5 still refuses to fight and Charles says that he will kill his friends if he doesn’t. And then Stupid 7 is killed. Only a few more to go and I can move on with my life.

Stupid 5 says that he doesn’t know what to do, but Stupid 6, who had been unconscious up to this point, kills himself to save his friends.

I would say this was completely emotional, but this story already ruined it for me the last time it tried this, so you’ll forgive me if I’m not shedding any tears.

Tyrone walked up to the platform. “Sheeeit...

SHUT UP!

Anyway, the group says their goodbyes to Stupid 6 and we only have three Little Indian boys left… Sorry, little Agotha Christie there. Check it out, 10 Little Indian Boys or And Then There Were None. It’s a great read.

So, the characters decide that with Janice dead, they finally have a chance to attack and escape. Apparently, they are able to sneak past the guards, who are stupid enough to not be keeping a close eye on the guy who killed their former champion, but who cares?! The story is almost over!

But it turns out that it was all a trap! Wait what? You already had them in your mitts, you idiot! You let them out of your trap, just so you could trap them again! Who the fuck does that?!

Anyway, Xladamir, the third, attacks the heroes and stabs Stupid 5 in the gut. But, Stupid 5 has enough strength to stab his opponent in the gut as well. What is the point of all this? Well, it turns out that Stupid 5 has a master plan…

“My plan all along was to get him to stab me so I can hold him in place while you guys go after Charles. Now, if either of us move, the dagger will go in deeper...We are both going to, slowly, bleed to death.”

So, your big plan… is to die? Basically… your plan was to get him to stab you… so that you could bleed out and die? That is… the single dumbest plan I’ve ever heard! You were hoping that he would stab you?! You were hoping that you would have enough strength to raise your own weapon?! You were hoping that none of his men were able to get up and stab you in the back while you were defenseless?! What kind of a plan is that?! That’s more like a Leeroy Jenkins than an actually plan!

So, the two die as the others run off to fight Charles. They find him in a hidden room behind the throne room and discover that he is in the middle of a ritual. He reveals a magical staff that Twilight seems to know all about. Even though it was never mentioned in the story up to this point!

this staff is known as the Staff of Renascentia. With it, and the drainage of ALL my magical power, I can simply resurrect any being I want. With enough ponies, I can resurrect the same amount of dead beings as ritual participants. I should also mention that the being that gets resurrected will retain all memories, that is if the pony responsible of reviving that specific being remembers their last moment, words, or thoughts. They will have either a scar or pain in the area that killed them, but other than that effect, it’s basically a free resurrection.”

Wait… so, there is a staff that can raise the dead? And it is so unimportant that you couldn’t even mention it or hint at it before now?  Why does he have a staff that brings beings back from the dead? How does he know that it does that? If he has used it in the past, how does he still have his magical powers? What is he planning to sacrifice in order to resurrect his son if he has no magical powers to drain? Why are you going into full detail about the staff to the heroes? Why the hell were you crying and bitching about your son being dead if you knew that the staff was going to just bring him back to life?

These questions and more Twilight so curiously starts asking and we get this half-assed explanation.

“Ah. A very keen detail you noticed. I also forgot to mention another detail about this staff. When the ritual is complete, the participant, chooses the exact place and time to go back to before the being’s death. Basically, you go back in time and before you talk about paradoxes, only the participant will remember what happened. For example, if the ritual would take place now, only you all and myself would remember and all other beings that died, such as my good friend Xarlin, will remain dead. Now are there anymore questions?”

So, it’s not really a staff of resurrection, it’s more a staff of time travel. That still doesn’t explain how you are able to use it multiple times! If it drains all your magical energy, then when you catch up to the present you would still have no magical powers left, unless you sent the one from the past into the future, but that would mean any magical powers you had prior to the present would be nonexistent!  And why would it take away your magical powers, if it was just going to give them back to you?! This is the stupidest staff in existence!

So, Stupid 8, through the magic of who cares, steals a gun from one of the guards and shoots and kills Charles. Wow, that was underwhelming… Anyway, they get the staff and decide to use its confusing ass powers to bring somepony they care about back to life.

Please, let it be the bus! Please, let it be the bus!

So after touching the staff, they travel back to the bus, sending them back in time, essentially bringing everypony back to life and wasting my time!

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Everyone cheers and laughs. The audience cries, but not for the reasons the author intended. And look even the bus driver manages to come back to life!

So they drive off into the forest hoping to find their way home, however they manage to get to a beach house somewhere. And our story ends with the bus driver looking at his GPS, saying that it took them to South Beach.

And … that’s it. The story just kind of ends. I don’t know if this was supposed to hook us in on the rest of the series, but it doesn’t. It just kind of stops without anything to hook us. Maybe South Beach is a famous place or something, but to me, that just means it’s a beach in Miami. And if that’s all I get from this, why should I read the next story?

Hell, why should I have read this story in the first place?! I’m not familiar with the slasher film formula, but is everyone that dies in a slasher movie so damn unlikable? Is that common? Are you always rooting for the monster to eat everyone or the killer to murder the main characters?

This story kind of starts off as this slasher story, but then it takes a weird ass turn into a gladiator fate of the world story, instead of just a survival horror story. And neither one of them is very good. The majority of the characters are so mean-spirited that it makes it hard to connect and sympathize with them. I felt no emotion over the death of these characters, because we were never given enough time to know them.

Other than Druggie, I don’t know anything about them! Why? Because they were not important enough for me to give a crap about! You have to make your audience sympathize and care about your characters! If you can’t do that, then the story falls apart.

And for a story called the Poncho Chronicles, Poncho doesn’t do anything! Poncho wasn’t the one who fought in the gladiator tournaments! He wasn’t the one who discovered the cult! He wasn’t the one who fell in love with Rarity and he wasn’t the one who defeated the villain! He didn’t do anything, but whine about his life being so miserable! He’s the title character! That’s like calling a book Harry Potter, but having Neville Longbottom do all the work!

And furthermore, what was the villain’s goal here? He was just so damn one dimensional! The villain didn’t seem to be interested in anything or have any goals or anything he wanted to do. He just seemed to be evil just… well, because. There is no backstory about the character, no greed, no misguided sense of justice, no reason he is after this group of ponies, and no reason for this character to even exist, making him completely forgettable!

The plot is all over the place. It has no idea if it wants to be a slasher or an adventure and ultimately, it fails on both accounts. This story had potential. The idea was a solid one. The main six and some others are in the middle of the woods with a killer after them. But it was completely undermined by the terrible characters, the mean-spirited tone, and the fact that there was some never fully explained bullshit about their personalities and abilities that ruined the entire thing! The ending is a rushed mess and it’s just so uninvesting.

There is only one word that can properly describe this story.

Sheeeeeeiiit...

That’d be the one. Have a great day guys.

One Winged Pony

Warning: This review contains course language. View Discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

One of my favorite gaming franchises of all time is Final Fantasy. It’s fun gameplay, interesting characters and story, catchy music and just overall fun to be had is what I enjoy the most. While I do have my personal opinions on the best Fantasy *cough* Final Fantasy 6 is the best. *cough*, some would feel that the best Final Fantasy to date is number 7.

And I can see why. With compelling characters, a great customization as far as the battle system, an intriguing story with plenty of twists and turns that keep you guessing and a fantastic score by Nobuo Uematsu, who is the genius behind creating the majority of the game’s greatest music. (Although a pony could have probably done it better. After all, we are God’s messengers of melody)

But there is one character of all the great characters in the story that stands out above the rest and that is the One Winged Angel himself, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth is the main villain of Final Fantasy 7 and arguably the most popular of all the villains in the series. His dark persona, threatening presence, long white hair and even longer deadly blade make him an easily recognizable villain.

He is a ruthless killer who seeks to create a new utopia in the world by destroying the world that already exists and become a god in the process. He plans to feed off the energy that will be released by dead beings that inhabit the world called the Lifestream. To accomplish this, he summons a powerful meteor that will annihilate all life on the planet and cause a large part of the planet to be damaged. The Lifestream energy would then gather in hopes of keeping the planet alive so that life could one day begin again, where Sephiroth would consume the Lifestream, leaving the world a dying husk with Sephiroth free to create whatever life he wanted.

However, Cloud, the hero of said story, and his allies are able to stop his plans from destroying their world.

So, let me ask you this? Does a psychopathic killer who is bent on destroying all life, so that he can become a god, sound like he would be threatened by a world with multi-colored ponies?

… That was not the reaction I was expecting… Anyway, I’m not opposed to crossovers. In fact, some of my stories are crossovers…. I didn’t say they were good crossovers.

But, I’ve wasted enough of your time. Let’s dig into One Winged Pony by Syeekoh

Again, there are spoilers for this story. If you have not read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

So our story begins with Celestia calling the main 6 to deal with a catastrophe. Just a normal day in the land of Equestria.

Rainbow Dash mentions it being an unruly dark cloud… Wait, what?

When does Rainbow Dash say unruly?

"This is about the unruly black cloud over Ponyville, right?" Rainbow Dash piped up, her demeanor as eager as ever.

I admire her extension into her vocabulary, but that line needed to be about… yeah, you all know where I’m going with this. Don’t pretend like you don’t.

So, the others express what problems the black cloud has been causing, from nearly ruining the Zap Apple Harvest to mildly inconveniencing Rarity by blacking out her windows. Which Rarity takes about as well as you could expect.

Twilight tells the others that she discovered, thanks to her time with a cult, that she was able to figure out that this was… Wait, a cult? What cult? We never saw a cult! Why is she in a cult?! That doesn’t make any sense! When did she join a cult?! It’s the first fucking chapter, dude! When the freaking heck did you establish that she was in some sort of cult?!

Twilight’s friends are as shocked as we are to find out that Twilight is in a cult, except for Fluttershy, who we find out is also in a cult. Again, I refer you to the freak out I had when Twilight said the same damn thing!

So, it turns out that Fluttershy’s cult was worshiping the color Blue. I am not making this up, guys. I’m sure this will be relevant to the plot later.

So after that bit of filler, even to which Princess Celestia has to facehoof herself, Twilight explains that a religious group called the Qlappalists had been attempting to bring a powerful being into their world by the name of Etz Khayyim.  (By the way, the Qlappalists. Yeah, they’re totally pointless. Just like a lot of things in this story, but I’ll get to that later)

Celestia exposits that Etz Khayyim is the Hebrew word for “Tree of Life”. However, after looking up the word we find out that Etz Khayyim is spelled wrong. I don’t know if there are flexible spellings for this word, but from what I found Etz Hayim or sometimes Etz Chaim is the correct spelling.

And what does the tree of life have to do with Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7? There was no tree of life in the game. I don’t know, maybe it was in the seven billion expansions to the game.

So, Celestia explains that, while in heaven, she was able to breathe life into the earth… I think. This story is incredibly difficult to read. There is not much describing going on, so I can’t tell what the freaking heck is going on or even who is talking at the moment!

Twilight blinked. "What do you mean, 'send their minds?' How does that even...wait, we're getting off track. What does Etz Khayyim have to do with the black cloud over Ponyville and why are we dreaming about it overlaid with-what is the"

What is the… the what? Are you going to finish that sentence, Twilight? There is no punctuation, so I am assuming you are still talking. Twilight? Twilight? Aw, screw it.

"A sword." Celestia replied matter-of-factly.

Everypony stared at her.

"A greatsword, actually, wielded once by a renowned warrior who fused with the planet in an attempt to destroy it."

Rainbow Dash said, "What now? This is a metatarsal or something, right?"

"Do you mean perhaps 'metaphor'? A metatarsal is a wingtip bone-"

"So-o-o-ry, Miss Know-it-all Twilight. I'm not a walking dictionary like you-"

Wait, if Celestia is supposed to be the one talking, why the hell are you yelling at Twilight, Rainbow Dash? And if Twilight is talking, how is the reader supposed to know that?! There are at least seven characters in the room! If there was just two characters talking back and forth, yeah that would be one thing, but there are seven characters who have dialogue. Help us keep track of them!

So, Celestia reveals that Sephiroth was a being that infected the planet and that Celestia used her powers to keep him at bay. Wait… he just made the My Little Pony world, the same world that Final Fantasy 7 takes place in…

"Sephiroth is the name of the infection upon this planet-"

"You mean how Nightmare Moon infected Luna?"

"Y-yes, Pinkie I suppose that to be an apt similarity to draw. His return would cause chaos-"

How the hell are we supposed to know who the hell is talking?! I know you said the names of the characters, but you keep doing that throughout the entire story! People do not talk that way! I do not say someone’s name when I am talking directly to them! This is worse than talking head syndrome! At least, I could see the heads of the characters I know are talking!

For those of you who don’t know, talking head syndrome is when a group of characters are in a long line of dialogue with no action being taken by either party. It’s just line of dialogue after line of dialogue, making the audience think that is it just two or more severed heads delivering their lines. This is not a play! We can’t see the actors in front of us! You have to bring the show to life by making them move with your words!

So after Celestia explains how important it is to defeat Sephiroth, Twilight and the others begin their journey.

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Oh, god, I wish.

The characters attempt to stop the dark cloud, but prove unable to. Rarity suggests using Vinyl Scratch’s subsonic sound projector… Wait what?

So they use the subsonic sound projector, which Vinyl explains that is how she cleans her dishes, which makes no sense mind you, to attack the dark cloud.

The attack proves ineffective, as is the pacing of the story. It’s way rushed and you’re not allowed anytime to get a sense of what is going on. Everything is kind of thrown at you really fast, without given a chance to catch your breath.

And again, we see a lot more of the talking head syndrome. There needs to be action going on in this story! This is a battle against a dark cloud hovering above Ponyville! There needs to be some kind of action going on! All your characters are doing are telling us what is happening instead of showing us what is happening!

So it turns out that the music doesn’t affect the evil cloud and it just keeps growing in mass. We then get this pointless scene in an attempt to add some humor to the story, but all it does it make me roll my eyes.

"What is it, girls? Is there something on my face?"

They shook their heads.

Fluttershy brushed her hooves through her mane, "Is there something on my mane?"

They shook their heads.

"Oh no, is there something on my face AND my mane?"

They shook their heads in unison.

"Then what is it?"

Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to point behind Fluttershy. Fluttershy turned her head back and caught sight of the cloud. "Oh, that's just a giant scary cloud-" she did a double take and screamed at the top of her lungs, "THAT'S A GIANT SCARY CLOUD OF EVIL OVER THE EVERFREE FOREST!!" and shot behind her friends, shivering in fear.

And I thought my jokes were terrible, especially since, we established that the dark cloud was still around!

So finally, the heroes decide to use the Elements of Harmony to solve their problem. Why didn’t they just start with that? At least with Discord and Chrysalis, it made sense why they couldn’t.

So, Twilight comes up with a plan to throw the dark cloud in an alternate dimension.

Wait a second, last chapter their plan was to use the Elements of Harmony to defeat it! And now, they are using this dimensional plan, which by the way makes no sense! Unless they are planning to use the mirror from the Crystal Empire, how in the hell is Twilight going to be able to send the dark cloud to another dimension?!

Oh, and here’s a load of crap for you. Twilight says that she’s going to toss the cloud into another dimension, making it that dimension’s problem! Rarity then states that the dimension that Twilight sends it to would most likely not have any life, since Luna and Celestia are the ones who created life.

That is the stupidest thing ever!

1: Are you saying that Celestia created all life in the world?! That she is basically a god?! Why doesn’t she just wiggle her nose and fix the problem?! Why the hell does she need Twilight to beat this dark cloud when she could probably do it with her hooves tied behind her back?!

2: There are equal number of dimensions that have life that don’t have life! There are literally infinite possibilities and you want to throw a cloud in another dimension, making it their problem! What if you send it to a dimension that doesn’t have a way to counteract it?! You would damn them to oblivion! The mirror from the Crystal Empire proves that there are just as many dimensions with life as there are without! And Twilight would never do that!

3: What about the worlds that didn’t need Celestia and Luna to sustain or create life?! Are Luna and Celestia just omnipresent in all dimensions?!

So, Twilight, somehow, tears a rift in the space-time continuum, with Rarity’s help… As she sings a song. … What the fuck? And pulls a pony out of the black cloud.

Rarity, it turns out know this song because she is a Soosi. So… what is a Soosi?

"I know that was hard for you, Rarity. I'm proud of you...if that's ok with you, I mean," Fluttershy said softly.

Wait, what is a Soosi?

Rainbow started, "Is it true that all Sooses have horns, even the non-unicorns?"

Applejack went on, "Is it true that ya use Celestian foal's blood in yer holiday crackers, and that ya control tha media?"

What the fucking hell is a Soosi?

Pinkie shot in with, "Is true you have a holiday called Ponykah where you have not one day of presents, but eight crazy nights!?"

WHAT THE FUCK IS A SOOSI?!

We then get an author’s note explaining the Soosi.

The word "Soosi"  comes from the Hebrew for "horse", and the myths she debunks are Jews having horns, a very volitiale myth concerning Jews using the blood of Catholic children in their matzah in the middle ages, and an inflammatory false treatise called "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion"

While I do commend you for actually telling us what a Soosi is, why the fuck didn’t you explain it in the story?! Why is this so unimportant that this couldn’t be explored upon in the actual story?! If it is so unimportant that you resort to an author’s note explaining it, why the fuck did you even bring it up in the first place?! That is not good story telling! If you bring up something, make it relevant! If you don’t know how to make it relevant, cut it from the final draft! It’s called editing! If something doesn’t work or doesn’t have any purpose to the story, cut it out! It has no place in the story if it doesn’t help build the plot or the characters! It’s just wasting our time!

So they look for the pony Twilight dragged from the dimensional prison and find that he is a pony with a horn and a dark wing and a white wing. Hmm… I don’t remember Sephiroth having two wings in the original game.

Hm... I’m going to have to dock points for inaccuracies.

Our heroes take Sephiroth to a hospital to be treated for his injuries.

So you say you found him unconscious in the Everfree?" Doctor Caramel asked irritatedly. "What in Tartarus was an unidentified alicorn doing in the Everfree? And why didn't you bring him to Canterlot? They have much better facilities for treating alicorns!

Hey, this is my job, pal! If you want to point out the plot holes in this story, you’ll have to fight me for it!

So, yeah, they never really explain why they couldn’t just take Sephiroth to Canterlot. It’s not like it was a life or death situation. And even if it was, it was never explained in the story. So, how the hell are we supposed to know if it is a life or death situation without us even knowing how badly injured he is?!

So they go to his room and wake him up. Sephiroth is in shock to see world of talking ponies…

His voice eked out, "You're all...you're all...HORSES!"

He made Sephiroth… one of the most bad ass villains in all of Final Fantasy… screech like a 5 year old girl…

"fuck! Shit! Fuck, this isn't happening!" he swore as he stumbled out of bed onto his back hooves, slowly losing his balance as he fell down onto his front hooves.

And he made him a potty mouth… Well, at least this story can’t get much worse…

I know! He made up new words!" Pinkie exclaimed, "and I like them! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shitty shitty fuck fuck, shitty shitty fuck!"

AND YOUR STORY SHOULD ROT IN HELL BECAUSE THAT IS HOW STUPID IT IS! AND THAT IS PUTTING IT MILDLY!

So, Sephiroth reveals his name to be Safer. Ha, ha, I get it, because the last enemy in the game is called Safer-Sephiroth. Ha, ha, ha. And for the rest of you who didn’t play the game, he just alienated you. How does that make you feel?

There, there… just let it all out.

"And I'm the P to the inkie, to the P-R-I-T-E, and come on Mister Safer, WON'T YOU PLEASE MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME??!!??" Pinkie wailed as she dove into the alicorn who could barely get a hoof up before she barreled him over onto the ground. "I'm Pinkalicious!" She said with a wink.

Ha, ha, ha. Again, that is a popular meme from the Friendship is Magic series. If you have not seen the videos, you are feeling alienated again, aren’t you?

Stop alienating your audience! You’ve already narrowed your story down to people who can actually stomach this crap and now you want to throw in jokes with people who are not familiar with the source material?!

Yes, there is the crossover tag, but how the hell is anyone supposed to know what the crossover is to? And if you say, “It’s in the title.” It’s not in the fucking title! One Winged Angel is the song that was created as the final fight against Sephiroth. The reason for the title of the song was because Sephiroth had one wing on his back… (And like 6 beneath his torso, but apparently those don’t count) However, if someone was unfamiliar with that, they would not make the connection of One Winged Angel to Final Fantasy 7! All it would have taken is for you to say, “This is a Final Fantasy 7 crossover with MLP” and that would have dismissed confusion and you wouldn’t have people missing the references. (Well, you would, but at least they’d know where to go to get answers!)

So, Sephiroth, again a murdering psychopath with absolutely no mercy and a complete and total badass, tricks Twilight and her friends into helping him, by pretending to be a nice pony. Yes, apparently, Twilight and her friends are going to trust this stranger who they found in the middle of a DARK CLOUD THAT WAS TRYING TO KILL THEM!

Rarity then takes a liking to Sephiroth and offers to make him a complete ensemble. Sure why not? Pinkie Pie then sings her new friend a song… That I cannot hear! There is no reason for a song in this story! What the fucking hell?!

So after that pointless scene, in which Sephiroth gets a dark cloak and still, nopony notices that he is clearly evil! We get Twilight reading her latest letter, that she is going to send to Celestia, to Sephiroth. Why? I don’t know. Something has to motivate Sephiroth to go after Celestia. He couldn’t just look into the sky one morning before the sun rises and see her raising the sun and him wanting to know more about her that way. Nope, Twilight just has to exposited in front of him. I’m sure this won’t come back to bite her in the ass!

So, Sephiroth sends a letter to Celestia, revealing that he is here and if she doesn’t do exactly what he tells her to do, Sephiroth will kill Twilight.

Are you sure this is the same Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7? Last I checked, Sephiroth wasn’t exactly subtle about any of his plans! He burned down and murdered an entire town all because he was pissed off at him being experimented on! He’s not some grand schemer that needs to hide behind a nice face! He manipulated the entire world to chase him and gather all his enemies in one spot in an effort to destroy them all at once. He manipulated his mother into doing his work for him, posing as this unstoppable evil that spread terror and death where ever he went! He didn’t need to make friends, he was a one man army!

Hell, what is his plan anyway?! As far as we know, Equestria does not follow the same rules as Sephiroth’s world, since Celestia recreated the world with the Tree of Life! So merging with the Lifestream is impossible! And even if it was, Sephiroth was only able to nearly destroy his world with an item called the ‘Black Materia’, a powerful gemstone that could summon a meteor that could end all life on their world! He doesn’t have access to it! There is no mention of it! So, what the hell is his plan?! It can’t to become an alicorn, he’s already one!

Logically, his plan would involve attacking the Tree of Life and attempting to steal it’s power, but that’s never mentioned! He makes no attempt to attack it or even find out what it is! Instead, he wastes his and our time by trying to trick Twilight and her friends into thinking he is some kind of nice guy! What the hell is stopping him from getting a knife and threatening Spike or some pony Twilight holds dear and demanding the location of the Tree of Life?!

Okay, I’m not getting anywhere like this and I’m more than halfway there, so let’s just end this.

So, Celestia wakes up … covered in blueberries? What the hell?

Apparently, Discord has captured both Celestia and Luna, even though it was clearly established that he was a good guy in the last chapter, but what do I know about consistency?

Discord threatens Celestia with… a banana?

Okay, this is officially the point where the author threw up his hooves and said “Screw it, I don’t care.” Don’t believe me, he’s just using jokes from the brony community that were popular for all of 2 seconds instead of actually putting thoughts into his jokes and trying to make them funny and relevant! And this just comes the fuck out of nowhere?! Why the hell does Celestia and Luna need to be trapped in blueberries for Discord to have a conversation about Sephiroth?!

I mean, what kind of person would just come up with random memes and use them as part of his story? What a stupid concept!

… … Oh, hello there kettle. I didn’t see you there.

Oh and the pointless banana joke. Don’t worry about that one. I’ll be getting back to that one later.

So, Celestia, Luna and Discord start to converse about what to do about Sephiroth. Why the hell did this warrant them referring to stupid memes?! Aw, fuck it! Let’s just get this over with!

"Safer Sephiroth...sounds like a video game villain to me. All Blam and no pizzaz," Discord spat out.

Get it… because he is a video game character… But if you’ve never heard of him, you wouldn’t know that… So that joke was not only stupid… it was pointless…

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Then Luna says this line…

Dost he dare deceive Twilight Sparkle into ripping open the dimensional prison

How the hell was he able to generate a dark cloud over Equestria from a dimensional prison?! And yet have no access to his god like abilities when he is freed?! How did he even know that Twilight would free him by attempting to send the dark cloud to another dimension, instead of doing the sensible thing and actually DEAL WITH IT THEMSELVES?!

So, it is revealed that Sephiroth needs to destroy the planet due to an uncontrollable reflex of the being cloned from Jenova.

Sephiroth was not a clone of Jenova. He had Jenova cells injected into him while he was still in his mother’s womb. This caused him to be incredibly powerful! He was not cloned from another being! True, he was experimented on to become a super soldier and does have a severe God-complex, but he’s not a biological duplicate!

However, because he was injected with Jenova cells, believed himself to be a being Jenova’s son, as that is what he was told his mother’s name was.

And what is Jenova you ask? Jenova is an alien life form that came to Earth thousands of years before the events of the game. Jenova is a creature that spreads itself like a virus, infecting those it touches, turning them into monsters! It has the power to create illusions or create psychic links with those that it infects.

And why am I going into detail with this? Because the author botches this part of the story, by explaining that Jenova was manipulating Sephiroth to do evil deeds. That is not true. Jenova is simply an instinctive being, like an animal! It just does what it does because that’s what it is! Sephiroth is a human being with goals and ambitions! Sephiroth was manipulating Jenova to do his bidding, not the other way around.

So, Celestia, Luna and Discord (after butchering the backstory of Sephiroth) finally decided to talk about how to defeat him. However, it is revealed that they cannot simply kill Sephiroth as he is somehow connected to Equestria. If Sephiroth dies then Equestria dies.

How the hell is Sephiroth connected to Equestria?! Luna and Celestia were the ones to create all life on it! Did they make a deal with Sephiroth that they got to create all life, but if Sephiroth dies, the world ends?! That is really, really stupid!

They finally come up with the plan to banish him to the moon.

I wonder if that is how Celestia and Luna solve all their problems.

Pollution? Banish it to the moon!

Terrorists? Banish it to the moon!

Jealous sisters? Banish it to the moon!

Horribly written stories? Banish it to the moon!

We then cut to Applejack, who is showing Sephiroth all of the products the Apple Family makes. I don’t think they make products to sell. I think they sell apples to make products, but again, what do I know?

Applejack then shows Sephiroth her favorite “apple” product.

No, no. Not those kinds of apple products.

Get it? Because her name is Applejack… Ha, ha, ha…

Yeah, let me show you what Applejack’s favorite apple product is.

Youtube Video

Baby Applejack is so adorable… I mean… um… Monster trucks and … other manly … stuff….

So, Applejack, Big McIntosh and Sephiroth start getting drunk. And now he’s turn Sephiroth into a drinker… God, I hate this story…

And then Applejack tells about the time she made out with her cousin, Braeburn. Oh, insensitive stereotypes, it’s a good thing we have you around. What else could cause a person to have zero respect for a poorly written story so quickly? Thank you, insensitive stereotypes, you’re the best!

We then cut to Rainbow Dash who is teaching Sephiroth how to fly. Even though, he could clearly fly with only one wing. I don’t see how two wings would be a problem.

During his lessons, Sephiroth explains that he was a soldier in a PMC and that’s why he has military training. He starts to ask questions about the defenses Equestria offers and Rainbow Dash of course tells him. (This will serve no purpose in the story later. Trust me.)

Celestia then arrives to greet Sephiroth with the most subtle way she can.

"Well, Sir Sefer, I give visits to all foreign dignitaries, and having one from a different dimension would be my delight!" almost growling out that last word. "My friends here in Ponyville have had nothing but nice things to say about you. I would like to confirm these things for myself. Would any of your new friends like to come along?" Celestia queried.

Okay, one, with that kind of subtly, you might as well hold up a big sign that says, “Safer is Evil!”. That would have been more subtle.

Two, why the hell are you endangering one of the ponies you care about by asking them to travel with a dangerous psychopath, who is holding your friends hostage?!

Get him alone and kick his ass, Celestia! What’s wrong with you?!

So, Sephiroth suggests that Fluttershy come with them, since he hasn’t had a chance to threaten her yet. Oh, wait that’s the real Sephiroth. Let me try that again… Since he hasn’t had a chance to befriend her yet. There we go. That’s far more accurate.

So, Sephiroth asks what Fluttershy does in the town and Fluttershy explains her passion.

"Well I have kitties and seals and otters, falcons, eagles, toucans and bats and flamingos, and a v-very cute flying squirrel." Fluttershy said, "but my favorite is my Angel bunny."

"Angelbunny?"

"Oh, no, no, no...his name is Angel, and he's a bunny. He's very much alive."

I don’t think that Sephiroth was thinking that Angel was a dead bunny. But considering the stupidity of this Sephiroth, maybe he did.

Anyway, they arrive in Canterlot and Discord does the only thing smart that the characters have done so far. He actually gets Fluttershy away from Sephiroth, so she is out of harm’s way. And why the hell couldn’t Celestia have done that?!

Whatever, the story is almost over.

So Discord disappears with Fluttershy, leaving just Sephiroth and Celestia.

Celestia let out a breath. "Now...Sephiroth."

"El," Safer Sephiroth replied, "or is it Adonai Elohim, or Adonai Eloheinu or Kadosh Barukh Hu? Perhaps El Shaddai-"

What is with the nicknames?! Why are they important?! Why does Celestia have them?! What do they serve to the fucking story?! Explain it! Explain it to me!

So, Celestia and Sephiroth start fighting, though I use that term loosely since the fight is so hard to follow, because it isn’t described very well.

How DARE you attempt to usurp the name of Israel for yourself!

How is Israel even involved in this?! You are in freaking Equestria! What does Israel have to do with anything?!

Luna, Discord and Fluttershy overhear the battle and proceed to just stand there and watch. You know Luna, you’re the little sister of Celestia. You are probably almost as powerful as her. You could probably help her out. And Discord, you are a god of chaos. You can control reality! You could probably help out too!

… You two are going to leave it to Celestia, aren’t you? Not going to help her at all? Okay then.

We cut to the main heroes where they are preparing a welcome to Equestria for Sephiroth. However, Luna arrives to tell them the truth about him.

We then get an author’s note explaining the religious references…

"Zion" is the legendary city on a hill from scripture,

The names that are used by Sephiroth translated are as follows:God, the Lord God, Lord our God, Holy One Blessed Be He, and God the Mighty. The name Celestia uses is God the Merciful.

Celestia refers to Israel because Jacob received the name Israel after wrestling with an angel in a dream, and pinning him successfully.

I am not a religious expert by any stretch of the imagination, so I can’t say what is right or wrong in this case. What I can say that it is stupid to include it when it serves no purpose to the overall story! It’s like you just put it in there just so that you could claim its deep, when really you’re just wasting our time! It’s not deep, it’s not clever and it’s making the story unnecessarily longer than it needs to be! You waste our time with this, when you could be developing the characters and the plot! If it doesn’t serve the story in anyway, don’t use it!

So, they set up the Super Sonic Sound Projector from earlier and they suggest the song from earlier to power the machine, instead of the Elements of Harmony. I would say how stupid this is, but I just want to get this story over with as quickly as possible.

However, Rarity says that she doesn’t know the song, but Sweetie Belle comes out of nowhere and claims that she does. Look, I like Sweetie Belle as much as the next pony, but where the fuck did she come from?! She hasn’t appeared once in this story and now she just pops out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason!

We then find out that Lyra, Silver Spoon, Cheerilee, and Derpy are also Soosi. And then Rainbow Dash and Applejack say probably the most offensive things I’ve ever seen.

"Ah thought Sooses're supposed ta be quick as whips. The othas ah understand-but Derpy...hoo-wee, ain't that somethin'!"

"Maybe the horn grew into her brain..." Rainbow mused.

So, they ready the sound projector to fire at Sephiroth, there some other stuff here, but frankly it’s pretty pointless to the story.

We cut back to the battle against Sephiroth, where Sephiroth hears the voices of the singers making their last effort to defeat him. He rushes to the source of the voice with Celestia not far behind.

We then get this scene…

"HEY SEPHIROTH, DO YOU LIKE BANANAS!?" Celestia bellowed out across the expanse.

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO WITH ANYTHING...LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, ALRIGHT?" Sephiroth shouted from behind the ball of energy.

"SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE BANANAS, HUH?" Celestia bellowed out, winking at Luna.

Luna piped up, a ball of energy collecting between the three beings, "THOU ART A CUR WHO DOST NOT KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THOU LIKEST BANANAS!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Sephiroth yelled out.

Discord shouted out, "FORGIVE LUNA, SHE'S A LITTLE OLD FASHIONED. WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY WAS 'YOU'RE A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER ON NOT HE LIKES BANANAS!'"

"YES, THAT'S RIGHT! THOU ART A, YOU ARE A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE BANANAS!"

"YOU DARE MOCK ME!?" Sephiroth screamed out beyond the din of the flowing energy.

"SO YOU DON'T DENY BEING A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT HE LIKES BANANAS?" Celestia shouted.

"I DENY YOU, FOUL MISTRESS OF HEAVEN!" Sephiroth yelled out as his black energy ball crackled, arcs of lightning shooting around it.

So, they finally send Sephiroth off to the moon and everypony starts rejoicing. Vinyl Scratch is even offered to be a knight in Canterlot and given all the perks.

And now you know the point of this story. This story was just a big love letter to Vinyl Scratch. I like Vinyl as much as any pony else, but she wasn’t even in the story to begin with! She wasn’t the main focus of the story and didn’t contribute anything, other than her equipment!

And before you all say, “Without the equipment, they would have lost”, I will give you that. But what about Cheerilee, Derpy, Sweetie Belle and Lyra?! In the story, the song starts to fail with just Rarity and Sweetie Belle, it is only after Lyra, Cheerilee and Derpy join in that Sephiroth is actually defeated! And hell, Sweetie Belle knew the song they needed to sing when Rarity didn’t!

Why aren’t they honored as well?!

This story isn’t nearly as bad as some others I’ve reviewed, but dear lord does it have serious problems!

The premise doesn’t make any sense! Why would you want Sephiroth to be in Equestria?! It doesn’t make any sense! For that matter, was this even Sephiroth to begin with?! Because it wasn’t the Sephiroth that I remember from the game! The real Sephiroth would have most likely burn down Ponyville as he would have play the nicety game. He’s a psychopath with no sympathy towards others and no remorse towards his actions.

Was he supposed to be an original villain, but you decided to use a popular villain instead? That would make this even more stupid! Why ruin a perfectly awesome villain by making him so cliché?!

The religious references were unnecessary since they at the end do not fit within the realms of either franchise! Neither the game, Final Fantasy, nor My Little Pony have anything to do with the religious references you mention, so they feel completely out of place here. And because they have no relevance to the plot or characters that couldn’t be found another way, they are pointless!

There is way too much talking head syndrome in this story! Characters aren’t given any actions or any feel to them! They are just floating heads that read their dialogue like a script instead of giving us actually movement to them, like an actually character.

This could have been done a million different ways, but at the end, the way it was done just doesn’t work because both franchises play backseat to the religious stuff that has no place in this kind of story. Have a great day guys.

Gainbow Dash

He moved from his kitchen carrying a plate of darkened brown bread. It steamed as he sat at his favorite spot. His stomach growled at him as he began his day. I know, I know, he thought to himself, as if his hunger was a living entity that needed to be appeased.  

Appearing from the wall behind him, through what appeared to be a portal, was a long robotic arm, carrying a glass of orange liquid.

“Your juice, sir,” Computer stated, as her robotic arm appeared before him, holding out the glass.

He raised his hoof and lifted the glass from its resting place. “Thank you, Computer.” He tipped the glass up to his mouth as the liquid slithered down his throat. The drink tangy flavor filled his taste buds as he continued to swallow it down, only to be replaced not a second later. When the contents were drained, he moved the glass away from his mouth and gave a satisfied sigh.

He placed the glass back on the robotic arm, allowing it to slither back into the confines of the house. He often wondered where the mechanical arms went after they were done assisting him. She had once explained to him that it was dimensional transcendent. She tried to explain about a geometric shape, the Tesseract, but he could barely follow any of it.

It didn’t seem to matter to him, as long as Computer knew what she was doing. He reached over and grabbed a piece of toast from his plate. His comps bit into it as small loose crumbs start to fall on the book below him. He gave a quick glance at the title, unable to help himself. His heart sank as he looked upon it. He snarled under his breath.  He diverted his eyes to the ceiling. “So, is the next story ready for reviewing?”

“Yes, sir,” Computer’s voice came from the ceiling. “I am preparing it now. You may begin when ready.”

He placed his hoof on his forehead releasing a grunt of discomfort. “Well, might as well get started,” he stated as he looked to the camera in front of him. He then gave his usual sly smirk.

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Warning: This review contains crude language and disturbing sexual imagery. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

I am open to different languages being spoken by all types of people. Hell, I’m open to differently languages being written by all types of people. However, if you are unfamiliar with the grammar or writing styles of a particular language, then you should not be writing in it!

Now you may think that Google translator would be a great substitute for it. The truth is… it isn’t, as we will see in today’s story. Not only is this story written exceptionally bad, but the fact that this person doesn’t know the proper rules and grammar for English makes it even worse. Now, I understand that English is a difficult language to learn. We have a lot of rules.

All the more reason why you should not be writing in a language you aren’t familiar with. But let’s not dwell on it for too long. Let’s just dig into Gainbow Dash by jbond and see why you should follow my advice. On everything.

Again, there are spoilers for this story. If you haven’t read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

In Equestria was perfect weather.

Bored already. And by the way, thanks for describing that perfect weather. Where I come from perfect weather means less than 2 inches of snow.

Rainbow pony engaged workouts for about an hour, and then went downstairs.

Wait, are we not outside? How exactly is Rainbow Dash training? Is she lifting weights or something? Is she flying inside a big gym? Like I said, this story is terribly written and the fact that it had clearly gone through a translator just makes it worse.

So, I guess Scootaloo is watching Rainbow Dash train, thinking about how cool she is.

She could not believe how cool was Rainbow Dash.

And that is how cool Rainbow Dash apparently is in this story; she is so cool that she can’t even be described how cool she is. I would say “Show, don’t tell” here, but I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears.

"Well, baby, grow up - and you just can."

… Wow, that was motivational! I feel like I can do fucking anything! I feel like I could climb Mount Everest. I feel like I actually one day might be an aspiring writer and all because of this one inspirational piece of literature! All those speeches about believing in yourself and dreaming and working towards one’s desires!

Fuck them! They are truly shit compared to this little sentence that draws so much thought and wisdom. How did he do it? How did he manage to create such a wondrous speech with only a few words?! How did he manage to say so much with so little? So many different ways this can be interpreted! Like… um… grow up… and you’ll be able to do whatever you want… and …. That’s it…

I’m interpreting this to be more than it actually is, aren’t I?

I hope!

There are no quotation marks here so I’m assuming that the author is saying this. He hopes what? Hello? Author? Are you there? You hope what?

Fuck it, I’ll make up some hopes!

I hope that Rainbow Dash and Applejack get together! (Writes a story about it)

I hope that people all over the world get to talk about my story (Posts it on the internet)

I hope that my story is a huge hit. (…)

I hope that a stupid pony doesn’t come along and reviews my story. (Enter the Critique)

So, Rainbow Dash has a meeting with the Wonderbolts and Scootaloo manages to convince Rainbow Dash to let her come with.

The next evening, Rainbow Dash meets with the Wonderbolts.

"So what? You claim to be steep enough to Wonderbolts?"

Oh, my god. Is this more gangsta slang?

Be pumping them jacks all moon light with yam bitches! Hood scratch all around, pumping my breath with jokes! Me and my B, we steep the back door with the princess of the night.

Luna be pimping, yo dog! Google translator, win for the, beeches!

Dash was struggling to impress Wonderbolts team. She performed loops, rolls and other stunts tents.

Uh… I don’t want to know what kind of stunts you do in a tent. Unless it’s a circus tent, but that’s never explained and I don’t see how you could fly a great distance in a circus tent. By the way, this is a clop fic. And I’ll let your imagination do the rest.

Struggling, it still fulfilled its entire programm. Soarin and Spitfire, looked at her and said,

"Not enough to cool."

Not enough to cool what exactly? Are you saying you want some ice or something?  Are you beginning to see the problem with using a Google translator?

"Come on, rainbow, piss!

What kind of bizarre, weird ass-shit try out is this?! First, you have her perform stunt tents, whatever the fuck those are and now you want her to pee in front of you guys?! What the hell is wrong with you ponies?! If this is what it takes to become a Wonderbolt, I’m glad I’m an earth pony!

"I'm sorry Dash. I'm a little delayed in school."

Hello, a little delayed in school, who happens to look a lot like Scootaloo. Nice to meet you.

A little delayed in school asks the Wonderbolts to let her try out and the Wonderbolts agree, saying to come back when it’s dark.

Well, I don’t really foresee anything going wrong with this. I mean, it’s just a young girl. A young defenseless girl… going to see some strangers… alone… possibly to make her do stunt tents… and make her piss in front of them… with nopony else around… Oh, my god!

Somebody call the police! We have a minor with possible pedophiles posing at Wonderbolts! Send help immediately!

So, a little delayed in school arrives and the Wonderbolts ask her if she is ready to become one of them.

Spitfire said,

"So, all you need - is to take in his little mouth his dick."

Bad touch! Bad touch! Police, get over to the Wonderbolt arena right now! The Wonderbolts are asking a little girl to let them put his dick inside … himself? … I think… Just hurry!

So, a little delayed in school runs off after learning what the Wonderbolts wanted her to do and flies over to Rainbow Dash’s house. Rainbow Dash learns about it and rather than going and confronting them, like any responsible adult, she decides to whine about it.

"Thank God - calmed down and sighed rainbow pony."

I’m assuming Rainbow Dash is talking. If she is, she is speaking in third person. The Critique decides that he will do the same.

A little delayed in school asks why Rainbow Dash doesn’t just do what they asked her to do and Rainbow Dash says this…

"I only like the grasshopper."

Scootaloo very surprised. No! She was shocked, it turned out that her favorite pony - a lesbian.

How the hell does grasshopper translate into vagina?! Google translator, you can suck my Big Bad Beetleborg!

The next day Rainbow Dash goes to visit Twilight to discuss her problem.

"I do not want to take a Wonderbolts!"

I don’t know. Spitfire is still available. So is Fleetfoot. Maybe it turns out that one of them is lesbian.

Rainbow Dash explains to Twilight about what the Wonderbolts would force them to do and when Twilight says how perverted and disgusting that is (rightfully so), Rainbow Dash says this.

"Yeah, that's not it. I just prefer sex with a mare."

Okay, I’m not going to get into a discussion about my opinions on same sex marriages. I will, however, say that THE WONDERBOLTS WERE TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH A MINOR! Why the fuck is nopony taking that seriously?!

Twilight explains that Rainbow Dash needs to change her entire lifestyle and find a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

Twilight with Dash ran the train to Canterlot. Dash wanted to know where they were going, but Twilight was silent.

She just said that they were going to Canterlot, you idiot! What do you mean you don’t know where you are going?! Also, are they driving the train? I guess when you’re a princess that automatically makes you capable of doing anything.

They arrive at Canterlot, in the hopes of finding a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

They went into one of the houses. When they went into it, Dash saw her friend's horse.

Wait, Twilight owns a horse? Huh… I guess slavery isn’t abolished in Equestria. I’m going to have to look into that.

Twilight comes to the house of Shining Armor, even though by this point in the series it is established that Shining Armor lives in the Crystal Empire, but whatever. And Twilight asks…

"I want to help his girlfriend fall in love with horses."

Wait, isn’t Cadence his wife? And for that matter why would Twilight be asking Shining Armor to help Cadence fall in love with a horse when she is already married to one?!

Sir, I believe that the author is trying to indicate that Twilight Sparkle is asking Shining Armor to help Rainbow Dash obtain a boyfriend.

Are you a reviewer of stories?

I am not.

Then, let the professionals handle this, baby. Now, where was I?

Shining Armor response

"I do with it?"

I don’t know what he’s supposed to be doing with what, but I’m pretty sure I’d be asking the same question.

Dash obeyed and did what I told her friend. She held in her hooves, trying to pull, but it was useless and the plant is the only Shining.

Okay, what? So, Shining Armor is a plant now? Ugh, this is making my brain hurt. Also, I didn’t know penis’s had hooves. Apparently, in this story they do. I wonder how long it will be before they start talking to the characters. Considering this story, would anyone be surprised if they went that route?

Also, Rainbow Dash seems to be trying to rip it off Shining’s body. And Shining Armor doesn’t have any kind of reaction? Not even an ow? What is Cadence doing to him that he would have no feeling down there?

So, Cadence walks in and Twilight freaks out that Shining didn’t tell her about his wife.

You were his best mare, you idiot! How could you not remember your own brother’s wedding to the mare that took care of you when you were little and was literally your only best friend for many years?! Why the hell does everybody hate Cadence?!

So, after they failed to make Rainbow Dash fall in love with Shining Armor, one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard, they decide to go to Pinkie Pie for advice. Wait, why the hell would they go to Pinkie Pie? Whatever.

So they go to Pinkie Pie for help and… Pinkie Pie sticks a lollipop up her… vagina?

Good fucking god!

So… after … that… They decided to go and seek Applejack for help. Applejack… puts honey on her brother’s… oh, dear lord. How much longer is this story?!

Rainbow Dash does it, but says she prefers to be with Applejack.

She tried to make her mouth nice Macintosh, but, apparently, it is not a factory.

What the fuck does that even mean?! Are we still in Gainbow Dash or have we switch to Rainbow Factory?! At this point, I can’t tell which!

Applejack looked at her and said,

"Hold your pony, Sally. You have to love the horse."

"I can not! I used to love the fillies."

Oh, my god! Rainbow Dash has been molesting Scootaloo! Officers arrest that pervert for sexually assaulting a minor!

They go to Rarity’s for the same damn thing and Rainbow Dash sucks on her horn… Ewww…

It has already been satisfied, and there is no Dash.

Apparently, Dash is no more. Now there is only… Um… Gainbow Dash? I don’t know, it makes about as much sense as everything else.

"Twilight! Suck horn

Oh, that’s my new insult now!

SUCK HORN, EVIL DOER!

So, the two go home where Twilight comes up with another idea…

In the house it came to Fluttershy.

It came to her, watching her as she shivered in her bed. She attempted to scream, but found throat was paralyzed as somepony was choking her. She could see the darkened shape in the shadows, but could barely make out any part of its body. Only two yellow eyes that pierced the darkness as they glared at her.

… What? I got bored.

"She's tough, she does not like horses."

"Maybe it will help the little animals?"

Fluttershy, are you saying that Rainbow Dash should have intercourse with animals?! Holy hell, you are one sick bastard!

Oh… Fluttershy… I didn’t mean it… It’s this story… It’s making us all look bad… Don’t cry… I didn’t mean it…

God damnit… This is why I don’t have any friends.

So Fluttershy exits the scene after Rainbow Dash and Twilight send her away. I guess, Fluttershy knew this piece of shit was going nowhere and decided to bail while she still had the chance.

And then… Lord Jesus Christ, this piece of shitstorm is not over yet! Anyway, Twilight and Rainbow Dash start banging each other, although lord knows why we should be surprised at this point sense every scene in this damn thing has been the same damn thing!

And then a mysterious stranger appears out of nowhere… Okay… You want to explain who this person is? How he or she got there? Why they are there? What they want? Where they came from?

Aw, fuck it. Let’s just get this over with.

But unknown filly was busy and enjoyable to answer but could not.

Okay… I’m going to try and be as tact and professional as I can… Um… You have a small, tiny, minuscule, little, itty-bitty, microscopic, YOU ARE FUCKING HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I don’t know the laws in Russia about having sex with minors, but that’s not exactly a comforting image! And it’s all throughout the entirety of the freaking story!

So apparently this new character named Rainy. God dear lord… Rainbow Dash chooses her to be her lifelong mate. This pony who comes straight the fuck out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason and Rainbow Dash has known for all of 1 minute! One fucking minute!

Youtube Video

Bull shit!

While Dash was talking to a new friend, the bar broke Spitfire.

Holy shit! I was not expect that! But I’ll take it! At least, somepony is being punished for what you did to a little delayed from school!

So Spitfire finds out that Rainbow Dash is a lesbian and says this…

"Tomorrow, I'll let you know about this Princess Celestia!"

Is she talking to Princess Celestia in the same room? They are at a fucking gay bar! If Princess Celestia is there, then she is obviously gay too! I don’t think she’s going to care if Rainbow Dash is gay or not! Oh, thank God, we’re almost to the end.

So it is revealed that a little delayed from school revealed the location of the gay bar to the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash takes it pretty damn well.

"I was watching behind your flight and clop, but you did not notice."

Wait, a little delayed from school was watching Rainbow Dash having sex with others?! Kid, get some help! Seriously?! THAT IS FUCKING MESSED UP!

When they opened my eyes, I noticed that they were not at home.

Wait, this whole story was in third person … and now it suddenly switches to first person? Consistency! You suck at it!

So apparently during the night Rainbow Dash was abducted by the Wonderbolts and taken to a cell where they force a little delayed from school to… Oh, dear lord. Is there no lows that this author will not sink to?!

And after that… they just let them go… Okay… Let the ponies go that could probably tell Princess Celestia about how you are forcing minors to have sex with older ponies. Yeah, I’m sure that will go over well.

But it’s okay, cause it turns out that Spitfire is also a lesbian and just needs to be pleasured by Rainbow Dash… Woopty fucking doo!

We then get this…

Dash felt that if someone loves you for who you are, then that's fine. She will always remember that there are those who always loves you, how or what you were not, or was not.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

That is your half-ass lesson at the end of the story! Are you fucking kidding me?! Was this supposed to be for little kids or something?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!

This isn’t for little kids! This isn’t even for humanity! This could never be considered literature!

Do I even need to explain what is wrong with this story? Not really. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The characters are just sex objects and act nothing like their counterparts. The plot is incredibly stupid and cliché even by fan fiction standards. The random character at the end of the story has no fucking purpose, other than to be the author’s sexual desires for Rainbow Dash. The sex takes up way too much of the story for me to give a shit about it.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh, yes. How could I forget? THE FUCKING GRAMMAR FOR THIS!

It is some of the worst I have ever seen. Period. I cannot believe how un-fucking-readable it is. God, I have seen 3 year olds with a better concept of sentence structure than this! If you take anything from this, take this, Google Translator does not equal the perfect or even a good, reliable translator. If you do, you will end up with this hunk of shit!

Have a great day guys. As for me? I need a shower.

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The monitor flashed in front of the three horned unicorn as he stared at the lone earth pony speaking of the shower he needed after his recent review. The three horned unicorn glared at the unsuspecting pony who continued to go about his day as if nothing was wrong.

“Master,” a voice came from behind him. The three horned unicorn turned to see a winged unicorn bowing to him. His brown eyes looked up to him. “Are you sure this is the one that threatens us?”

The three horned unicorn gazed back at the screen as the pony started to complain and whine about his shower being too hot or cold. The three horned unicorn shook his head and cringed at the mere sight of such an insignificant creature. A creature that should not be considered a threat. And yet… “Yes, my apprentice,” he snarled. “He is a very severe threat.”

The apprentice rose from his spot on the floor and made his way beside his master. “I do not understand, master.” He raised his eyebrow and gave his master a look of disbelief. “How can someone as stupid as this-“ he pointed to the screen “-be a threat to our plans?”

The three horned unicorn turned to him and gave a heavy sigh. “Because he can identify us. And that makes him very dangerous.”

A third voice appeared from the shadows. “Yeah, can’t have him ratting us out, now can we?” A blue Pegasus appeared out of the darkness of the room.

“Show your respect, Thunder Ice!” the apprentice snapped as his eyes met with the Pegasus. “You stand before the Grand Ruler himself!”

Thunder Ice chuckled. “Chill, Lightning.” He laughed, if only for a moment. “If you’ll pardon the pun. I’m respectful, I just do it in my own way.” He trotted up with a sly smile on his face.

Lightning’s only response was a baneful glare towards the slightly smaller stallion before him.

“So, this is the guy we want to kill, huh?” Thunder Ice asked, leaning against the wall just across from the monitor.

The Grand Ruler turned towards Thunder and nodded. “Yes and I am sending you, Lightning, to deal with him.” He said as he turned towards his young apprentice.

Thunder stood straight quickly as his jaw dropped. “Woah, big guy! You want to send this loser to take first dibs?!”

Lightning growled at those words. He took a step towards Thunder, glaring at him. “I’m strong enough to take you down!”

Thunder chortled. “Yeah, right. You don’t even have any powers!”

Lightning stood up proudly and posed his chest straight out. “I have the power of the Uniforce and the Rainbow Rod!”

Thunder shook his head. “Yeah, but what good do those do you when you aren’t facing a creature of darkness?” A jolt of electricity flew through the air and into Thunder’s body. His eyes started to glow bright white. “I have the power of real lightning, Lightning!” More bolts shot from Thunder’s hooves as he took a step forward glaring at his taller opponent.

“Enough!” the Grand Ruler’s booming voice roared over them, echoing throughout the tiny room. The bolts of lightning dissipated into Thunder’s body, leaving the room as dark as it was before, save for the monitor that illuminated enough of the room to make out the shapes within.

He turned towards them. “Lightning is more than trained enough to handle this simpleton.” He smiled towards Lightning. “After all, you are my star pupil.”

Lightning took to a knee and lowered his head, closing his eyes. “I’m your only pupil, master.”

He could hear Thunder mockingly mimicking him under his breath, but out of respect for his Grand Ruler, he chose to ignore it.

“Good,” the Grand Ruler stated. “Now, prepare for your task.”

Lightning got up from the floor and made his way to the exit without another word.

The Grand Ruler retook his spot in front of the monitor, carefully watching the reviewer as he continued to complain about his monotonous life. Do not worry, my young friend. Soon your monotonous life will be over.

Big Brother, Best Friend... Forever?

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Siblings. Whether you love them or not, they are always there in your life. Again, whether you want them to be or not. I myself have two brothers… Which I keep my distance from… But that’s a story for another time.

The main six are not short of family members and siblings. Twilight Sparkle has her brother, Shining Armor and her sister-in-law, Cadence. Applejack has Big MacIntosh and Apple Bloom and so on and so forth.

The thing I probably love the most about the show is how it teaches younger siblings and older siblings to get along, but teaching them that sometimes siblings will disagree. I felt that was one of the strongest aspects of the stories themselves and I feel like the story today is not any different in this approach.

It’s a highly popular story and not usually one I do. But after the utter crap I had to sit through last week, it was nice to dig into something positive for a change. So let’s review Big Brother, Best Friend… Forever? by Karrakaz

As you can probably tell, there are spoilers for this story, if you haven’t read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you…

We start the story in first person, something rare among these types of stories, as a narrator describes to us how difficult his life is.

Some ponies say work is the hardest thing you’ll do in life. I would like to say that they’re completely wrong. Tuesdays on their own are grueling enough. They’re not quite like Monday where you’re still rested from the weekend;

I’m afraid Garfield has differing opinions on that.

The narrator mentions having to come home to a wife and two children after a grueling day of work. And if any of you are working parents out there, you know that this is the toughest position to ever be in. You come home from an 8 hour shift at work, only to be put back into work, trying to take care of your family and I admire anyone who does this.

Then why do you not have a wife or children of your own?

Shut up!

He comes home from work and notices his daughter, Twilight, is upset about something.

For a brief moment I thought of letting it go. If it was important, she would talk to me, wouldn’t she?

Not necessarily the best thought process when raising a child. If something is bothering them, you need to ask them questions. Perhaps they don’t feel comfortable discussing it and maybe they need a gentle hand (or hoof in this case) to say, “You can talk to me about anything.” That way, it’s up to the child to make that decision, but at least you made an effort to allow them to talk about it.

Fortunately the mother seems to be on the level as he recalls a conversation with her.

“Night,” she’d said, “Twilight isn’t an extrovert like Shining. She’ll keep everything inside if you don’t talk to her.”

He goes to Twilight’s side and asks her is if anything was wrong.

“Miss Goodall doesn’t want me to raise my hoof when she asks a question of the class anymore.”

That bitch! They are trying to put her down! Well, I’ll show them not to mess with filly Twilight!

The father senses that wasn’t what was really bothering her and so he digs deeper and finally Twilight opens up.

And what Twilight asks is a bit of a surprise to him.

“Daddy?” She asked timidly. “Does Shiny hate me?”

… Damn, I was not expecting that. And frankly, neither was the father.

After comforting little Twilight, the father asks why she could think such a thing. Twilight responses…

“T-this afternoon, a-at school. I wanted to give him a hug when he came to get me, b-but he... he...” She didn’t finish her sentence, instead choosing to stifle a cry against my chest.

“What did he do, Twilight?”

“H-he pushed me away and said that I was embarrassing him,” she said, crying even harder.

That insensitive asshole! I know he’s in his rebellious teenage angst driven years, but seriously?! That is a rotten thing to do to your little sister! Your teenage rebellious years do not excuse you from loving your family, even if it’s “Not good for your image.” My god, Shining Armor, at least for now, you’re an idiot!

And yes, I probably shouldn’t be so hard on him. After all, maybe he doesn’t realize how much it hurt Twilight. Maybe he doesn’t realize that he is acting this way and that his actions are hurting those he cares for. But, after the relationship they have together, it still pisses me off that he would do that!

Okay, moving on.

The father tries to comfort her, by explaining that Shining will think that she is embarrassing her. Yeah, way to make her even more upset. He then explains that ponies around his age don’t like to show affection to their families and that in order to fit in, Shining would have to do the same.

Twilight tells her father that she doesn’t care about what the other ponies would think of her and that she will hug anypony she wants to.

Awww, she is so cute. I just want to hug her and…  I mean… um… Monster Trucks and… guns… and other manly…stuff…

Her father says that he couldn’t be more proud of her.

Shining then walks into the room and starts to apologize to Twilight, but Twilight says it’s okay. They reconnect and the story ends with the father feeling better about his day seeing his two children love each other.

This story…

Is adorable. It captures everything I love about the show and captures how to treat your siblings by giving us things that siblings go through. And while I did rant about Shining was pretty much an asshole, I understand that he’s just a young teenager and doesn’t know any better. Hell, about 85% of us were probably like that with our siblings at one point, especially if you have much younger siblings. So, while I did disagree with Shining Armor at the time, it still didn’t seem too out of character for me.

The father was a realistic father. He wasn’t some great “I know all” stallion. He was real and felt that he actually screwed up most of the time. That made him relatable as he wasn’t always able to Twilight the answers she wanted. He always felt like there could be something more he could do to help Twilight through this and I bet every single parent that ever cared about their child had thought this. But regardless, he not incompetent nor stupid. You does makes some good decisions and you can tell he’s trying his best. He still loves his children and would do anything for them.

And filly Twilight. She is absolutely adorable. Every line of dialogue, every movement she made just made want to pick her up and hug her. That is the power of a great story teller, when you feel the character leap off the page and come to life. That is what this author did with only a thousand words. The author created a believable child character, who is full of life, but has questions about the world and has a wide eyed curiosity.

There is a reason why this story is so highly praised. And that is because it’s pretty damn good. The story is written very well, the first person view is a nice change of pace, the characters are relatable to downright loveable and overall, it just gives you that sense of satisfaction that I get from the sibling episodes. If you haven’t checked it out yet, go and click on the link above and read it. You won’t regret it.

As for the rest of you, here’s some more adorable Twilight. Have a great day guys.

Mare of Steel Part 1

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about one of the most popular superheroes all time, Superman.

Now, if any of you know me, Superman isn’t exactly one of my favorite superheroes of all time. In fact, he’s not even in my top 10 favorite superheroes list. But despite that, even I can’t deny that there is something to be admired and looked up to within the Man of Steel.

He’s kind, strong, always does the right thing and is an inspiration for many aspiring superheroes and people in general. With a strong moral center, he has been the pinnacle of what people should aspire to be.

And even some of the stories that are told with this character are pretty damn good. Such as All-Star Superman, Superman: What’s so funny about truth, justice and the American way?, and Superman: Red Son, just to name a few being among my favorites. And if you are a fan of the high flying alien from Krypton and want to read a few comics about him, those are the ones I would recommend picking up.

I also grew up on the Superman: Animated Series and Justice League series.

I didn’t include the Death of Superman on this list, simply because even though it was a big deal when it first occurred, it wasn’t so much of a story as it was just an event, if you know what I mean. Basically, everything that happens afterward is more of the story than anything.

So, what is this all leading up to? Why my next review, of course. Mare of Steel by Iowaforever

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. Despite its name, this has very little to do with the recent film. This is a standalone story that was written before the theatrical release, so if you are expecting a parody of this movie, you won’t get it.

Instead, you get something better. I’m sorry for those of you who loved that movie, but I hated that movie. I hated the acting, the plot, the contrivances, the neck breaking scene with no consequences. There were some good to come from it, like the action scenes, but they can only carry it so far.

If you liked this movie, I have nothing against you. It is yours to enjoy, just please keep it away from me. Let’s put our differences aside and agree to disagree, what do you say?

Yeah, I figured that would be your reactions… So, let’s just start the review.

If you haven’t notice, there are spoilers for this story. If you haven’t read it yet, I would highly recommending turning back. As for the rest of you…

So our story starts at night in Ponyville, where Rainbow Dash and Twilight are waiting for the meteor shower to start and as always, Rainbow Dash grows impatient with waiting.

One of the things I’ve noticed from the story is how much dialogue is in it. Now, don’t get me wrong dialogue isn’t a bad thing, but I feel like I’m watching two heads talking back and forth, with very little movement. I know they are supposed to be watching the stars, but I would have really liked to have seen a little more movement.

So the shower starts and after a few minutes, Rainbow Dash decides to turn in for the night, stating that she has a large storm coming in within the week.

When she arrives home, she finds a mysterious glowing rock. She instantly thinks it’s a meteor and with excitement, Rainbow Dash insists on keeping it. However, as she grasps it, the stone starts to make her feel weak and sick, causing her to lose consciousness.

We cut to Fluttershy going to Rainbow Dash’s house to check up on her after she missed their “Pet Play Date”. Fluttershy then finds Rainbow Dash passed out on the floor, her body drained of most of her color.

Oh, my god! She’s turning into Jerkbow Dash again! Everypony run for your lives! Discord is at it again!

No, it turns how that Rainbow Dash is really sick and Fluttershy manages to carry her to a hospital and for those of you that questioning how she was able to carry her, it should be pointed out that Fluttershy has super strength when her friends are in danger.

So the doctor manages to tell the other members of the six, who are arriving at the hospital to check on their friend, that Rainbow Dash is recovering from what he states is radiation poisoning.

Twilight and the others wonder how Rainbow Dash could have been affected by radiation. Some more theories go around to what could have possibly occurred to make Rainbow Dash so sick, ranging from drinking to overeating.

Yes, apparently a show with ponies that are subjected to mostly 5 to 11 year old girls have the main cast drinking every now and then. Of course, if they have access to FIMFiction and read half the stories I’ve read, it’s no surprise they turned to alcohol.

Fluttershy then mentions the strange rock that they found at her house and the doctor says that he will send somepony to bring it by so he can look into it.

The doctor then reveals that Rainbow Dash had never been sick a day in her life and had never had any injuries or reasons to go to a hospital. While it does mention the episode where Rainbow Dash actually was in a hospital, I still have to scratch my head and ask; if she is supposed to be invulnerable, how did she get that injury in the first place?

So the six are allowed to visit Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash explains what happened before she passed out, stating that a meteorite appeared in her home and shortly after that she started to feel weak.

The six leave Rainbow Dash to allow her time to rest.

Meanwhile, the meteorite is picked up by a hazard team sent by the hospital for study.

We are going to see what kind of scientific masterpieces we can build from this rock! We can build teleportation devices! We can build giant fighting robots! We can build an entire home fully equipped with a security system and has a hologram projector room that can make illusions of anything we want!

… What do you mean that’s stupid?

A couple days later, Rainbow Dash is released from the hospital and is told to take it easy for the next few days. After being visited by nearly everypony in Ponyville to make sure she is alright, Rainbow Dash heads out to Sweet Apple Arches to help Applejack with the apple harvest.

Applejack has her start on the southern fields while she goes to get more buckets to gather the apples. Rainbow Dash starts apple bucking when suddenly she smashes the tree into splinters.

Rainbow Dash starts to freak out, though I don’t know why this would surprise her since she can do this with her body.

Applejack comes back wondering what they hay happened to her tree.

“Rainbow Dash, What the hay happened to my tree?!”

I just said that!

Rainbow Dash tries to convince Applejack that the tree seemingly exploded for no reason, but Applejack doesn’t believe her. I do question why Applejack wouldn’t believe her since I don’t think that she would believe Rainbow Dash would wreak her property without cause. But if Twilight Sparkle was able to believe that, then I guess I shouldn’t question it.

So, Rainbow Dash goes back to apple bucking, constantly monitoring herself in order to not repeat the accident.

Later, she goes to Twilight’s house in order to find out what happened. She starts to freak out that Twilight is studying the rock, due to the dangers that it could pose to her. However, Twilight assures her that she has conjured mystical barriers to protect everypony around it.

So apparently, the hospital doesn’t have the right equipment to study the glowing rock, so they gave it to Twilight to study.

We find out that Twilight has been studying the effects of certain minerals on ponies and says that they may increase the strength and speed of a pony. She explains that this may be the reason why Rainbow Dash suddenly has super strength. However, Twilight says that if the magical energies are too potent, the pony may die.

Rainbow Dash starts to freak out (rightfully so), but Twilight assures her that she will be alright and that her inner magical energies will return to normal within a few days.

After a nap, Rainbow Dash decides to go and try to clear her head by talking to Fluttershy and Rarity. However, as she flies off (her speed increasing thanks to her magical energy being enhanced) she runs into Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash decides spending time with Scootaloo would be better since she could die at any moment and decides to hang out with her for the day.

As they approach Sugarcube Corner, they find Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Rainbow Dash sees a notebook in Diamond Tiara’s saddle bag and figures it belongs to Cheerilee. … And how exactly does Rainbow Dash know its Cheerilee’s notebook? There’s no mention of any indication that it was her notebook. Does it have her name on it or something? A picture of herself on it? Does Rainbow Dash have the power to read minds?

So, Rainbow Dash grabs Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara and drags them off to see Cheerilee. Does this count as child abuse? There are so many laws about that it are hard to distinguish. I know in the show they are not very well liked characters, but they are still minors. I don’t think dragging a couple of kids around, with them screaming at the top of their lungs would look good for Rainbow Dash’s image.

Rainbow Dash takes the girls to Cheerilee’s house and we find out that the notebook had Cheerilee’s cutie mark on it and that’s why it was hers.  Or she really likes Cheerilee. That’s no reason to jump to conclusions. However, it turns out it really is Cheerilee’s.

Rainbow Dash realizes that she was able to look through the bag even when the bag was covered. She starts to freak out at this new found power and leaves Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon with Cheerilee.

Rainbow Dash goes to Princess Celestia carrying the strange glowing rock. She asks the guard to see her, but the guard tells her that Celestia is busy at the moment and will have to wait until she is done.

I wonder if Celestia has days were she just wants to do this?

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Rainbow Dash sits and waits. However, Prince Blueblood appears and demands to speak to the Princess. However, the guard refuses to let him through. He’s a prince and the princess’s nephew. Wouldn’t he have special perks that way? I guess Celestia knows how poorly he treated Rarity at the Grand Galloping Gala.

Prick…

So, right before Rainbow Dash can go Sonic Rainboom on Blueblood’s well deserving ass, the guard tells her that she may see Celestia.

Rainbow Dash explains what has happened and Celestia starts to magically probe her.

Rainbow Dash: Princess, what does your horn say about my magic level?

Celestia: IT'S OVER 9000!

She discovers that Rainbow Dash has a large amount of magical energies repressed within her and that could be potentially why she has sudden burst of strength and speed. Celestia then explains that Rainbow Dash wasn’t born an Equestrian!

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That just seems weird when Rainbow Dash does it.

It turns out that Rainbow Dash was actually a Kryptonian. I would question this except that several animals escaped Krypton as well, such as a dog named Krypto.

So I guess, there was a Noah’s Ark kind of thing on Krypton. I guess that makes Superman Noah. Thought I would question how all the animals would fit in that tiny spaceship, but maybe they used the Phantom Zone.

Anyway, back to the story, Rainbow Dash starts to freak out over this and doesn’t believe Celestia. Celestia tries to calm her down, but Rainbow Dash isn’t hearing any of it and rushes out.

I wonder how Blueblood would have taken his meeting with Celestia after seeing Rainbow Dash burst out in tears?

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

We then get an author’s note about the emotions that Rainbow Dash is going through.

Personally, I don't think I'm very good at emotions like these, but hey, I'm willing to improve. Also, I imagine that if someone came to me and said that not only was I adopted, but not even the same species, I'd probably have a similar reaction... maybe, I'll think on that.

Now, I don’t know if anyone has covered this, so I am going to. The descriptions are kind of mixed. When the story start describing things, it does pretty well I feel. However, when it start getting into dialogue that’s when the descriptions kind of die down. Personally, I felt that there could have been more trauma going on through Rainbow Dash’s mind. Her questioning Celestia’s word and why she would lie to her. Her constantly questioning what is real and what isn’t. What is a lie and what is fact. I would have loved to have seen more of that in the story and I would have loved to have seen it go deeper into her mind.

Like I said, the story does well when the characters aren’t talking, but as soon as they start up, it tends to forget that things can go through their minds and the characters do move while they are having a conversation. They move their bodies or express themselves with facial or slight gestures. This not only adds depth to the characters, but makes them feel real and more than a talking dismembered head.

Anyway back to the story, Rainbow Dash arrives at the Wonderbolts’ training arena and demands to see Firefly. When Rainbow Dash confronts Firefly, who turns out to be Rainbow Dash’s mom, she takes it pretty freaking well that she was an adopted alien from another planet. In fact, she goes on a conversation about what happening in Ponyville before it is even brought up.

I seem to recall her in the last scene doing a lot of this…

She must get over life changing traumatic moments that change your entire perspective on reality causing you to question what is real or not, really easily. I sure wish I could.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash finally reveals that she knows about her being Kryptonian and asks why her mother didn’t tell her. Firefly explains that she didn’t tell her for fear of the guards would take her away. Rainbow Dash starts to wonder what is to become of her, but Firefly explains that she is going to be alright. Firefly then explains how they found Rainbow Dash.

We get some insight into some intriguing characters in Rainbow Dash’s father named Thunderhead and Firefly as they are dealing with a broken down cart. They then hear a loud boom in the distance and decide to investigate. So they find a little filly and decide to adopt it.

They take the filly back to the carriage where they discover that the filly has super strength and can lift the carriage with ease.

We then cut back to the present where Firefly explains that Rainbow Dash’s sudden burst of strength started to diminish over the years. How is that exactly?

Rainbow Dash says she wants to feel like a normal pony and Firefly says that she was never a normal pony and that she knew that even when she was young.

We then cut to another flashback, wait… didn’t we just get done with one? Anyway, we get the flashback of Thunderhead talking about Rainbow Dash’s choices in life.

“That’s true, but you’re not just anypony,” Thunderhead turned Rainbow Dash towards him “One day, you’re going to have to make a choice. You’re going to have to decide what kind of mare you want to grow up to be. Whoever that mare is, good character or bad, she’s going to change the world.”

Oh, come on. You were all thinking it.

Rainbow Dash asks what her father meant and Firefly admits she doesn’t know… Wait what? You lived with him for twenty years and you still don’t know what his thought process is?! You were his freaking wife! You mean to tell me that you never discussed what he meant with you?! That’s bad communication if I ever saw it!

Firefly then gives Rainbow Dash a strange green stone and says that she found it at the wreckage where they found her. She reveals they’ve never figured out what it is, but that maybe Rainbow Dash can.

We then cut to the main six who are at their Pet Play Date, but are worried about Rainbow Dash when she doesn’t show up. A letter arrives via air turtle

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Whatever.

And says that Rainbow Dash is leaving Ponyville for a few days to clear her head.

Since Thunderhead is a Pa Kent expy, we can kind of figure out what happened to him...

An unwritten law of fiction, if you are a good parent, you’re going to die.

We then cut to Rainbow Dash coming to Seaddle. (God, I hate that word.) Anyway, she comes across a pony named Honey Dew at a hotel, who Rainbow Dash seems to remember. They share a brief chat about Rainbow Dash’s parents and Honey Dew offers Rainbow to stay at one of the rooms.

As Rainbow Dash drifts to sleep, she enters a dream where she meets up with a stallion and a mare, who merely say that she is ready. And then she wakes up… Weird…

We then get a scene where Rainbow Dash meets up with Honeysuckle, Honey Dew’s daughter… and then Rainbow Dash falls asleep again. That was a tad rushed to me. It feels like there isn’t any particular focus on this part of the story, it’s just scenes thrown together. They’re written well, but they just don’t feel like they’re going anywhere.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash wakes up (for the umpteenth time this chapter alone) and finds herself alone with Honeysuckle standing over her.

Why does this look uncomfortably creepy to me?

Rainbow Dash enters the kitchen and starts to practice using her powers to see through solid objects, just as she had with Diamond Tiara. However, instead she accidently fires two beams of energy from her eyes and causes the pot she was staring at to explode.

When Honeysuckle enters to room, she asks what had happened and you would think that Rainbow Dash would come up with a good lie, but instead she tells her the truth.

And Honeysuckle replies thusly…

Huh… I guess Applejack was right. Honesty is the best policy.

So a few days pass by and Rainbow Dash is trying to settle in her new living space. She constantly helps around the hotel while still trying to get use to her powers. Honeysuckle starts taking a liking to Rainbow Dash (doesn’t everypony) and starts to follow her around everywhere.

Rainbow Dash and Honeysuckle get into a conversation about comicbooks, since that was the only form of entertainment Rainbow Dash had in the hotel and Honeysuckle explains why she loves comicbooks.

“Well... when I was really little, some mean ponies came and... they hurt my dad. I mean really hurt him. He couldn’t fly for days... Mom cried a lot, and I didn’t really know what was wrong, so I got sad and cried too... The guards tried to be helpful, but nothing really happened. But if there was a superhero, then nopony would have gotten hurt. Everypony would have been fine...”

I couldn’t have said it any better myself, kid.

I loved this dialogue, but I would have really loved to have seen the inside of Rainbow Dash’s mind here. There is just more dialogue without Rainbow Dash having any mental reaction to what the kid is saying. I would have loved to have seen what the workings of her mind would have been. After all, in the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well, Rainbow Dash really thought she was doing good. And to be honest, she was doing good. But maybe her seeing how she could do more to affect or change the world warrants a reaction.

I hate to beat a dead horse, but I feel the weakest part of the story is describing what the characters are going through while in dialogue.

Okay, back to the story, the next day Rainbow Dash takes Honeysuckle flying around Seaddle. However, as Rainbow Dash looks down to the ground she sees an old face that causes a little bit of anger in her.

Trixie!

Okay… I’m good now…

So, Trixie does her thing where she tries to show off to everypony, but Rainbow Dash intervenes and tells everypony the truth.

Trixie doesn’t take it well and attacks her! Damn, girl, calm down! What the hell happened to events of Magic Duel?

Sir, the Episode was aired on December 1 of 2012. This chapter was posted on October 12, 2012

Oh, so… this chapter was written before that episode aired. Okay, maybe this is why she turned to the Alicorn Amulet.

So, after trying to murder Rainbow Dash and everypony else around her, Trixie finally calms down and runs away.

Oh, wait… That hasn’t happened yet…

Moving on…

After that, Rainbow Dash reveals the crystal she has to Honeysuckle. Honeysuckle asks what it is supposed to do, but Rainbow Dash still doesn’t have any clues. She strikes the crystal in frustration and then the crystal reveals a frozen wasteland for her to travel to.

We then cut to Trixie who is drowning in angst over her defeat at the hooves of Rainbow Dash. A mysterious voice comes to her and tells her how she can get revenge on her.  And we get a line that I think is supposed to reveal the villain.

“Kneel.”

Where have I heard that before?

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Why does that sound so familiar?

Rainbow Dash travels far north and stumbles upon a fortress made entirely of ice. As she enters the fortress, that even Elsa would be jealous of, she finds a hologram of a unicorn that claims to be her father from Krypton named Jor-El.

We then learn that Rainbow Dash’s name on Krypton was once Kara Jor-El and that her parent’s died more than a thousand years ago.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a combination of Supergirl’s Kryptonian identity with the Jor-El name, the family that Superman’s Kryptonian identity belonged to.

Jor-El then explains to Rainbow Dash what happened when they were destroyed. He says that his planet was dying and that he was the only one who seemed to foresee it. He tried to convince the people of Krypton to evacuate the planet, but nopony else seemed to believe him. He sent his only daughter to Equestria, knowing that she would be safe and a few minutes after that the planet exploded.

So, Rainbow Dash asks her father to teach her how to control her powers and as the lessons go on, Rainbow Dash asks why Jor-El sent her to Equestria and not somewhere else.

Jor-El explains that he was able to contact planets in a future time… Wait what? If he was able to contact planets from the future, why didn’t he just contact a planet in the future that likely had the technology to save Krypton? Or hell, why doesn’t he just contact someone from the future and ask them to convince everyone on Krypton that their planet is going to blow up?! I think them saying, “Yeah, there is going to be a vacancy where your planet is in about an hour or so” would get their attention! I mean, you have a freaking time window, if not a time machine, and you don’t use it! I’m beginning to see why no one believed you, Jor-El.

Anyway instead of using the time machine to save his world, he contacts Twilight Sparkle’s mother and asks her if she will raise Rainbow Dash when she arrives in Equestria.

We then get the classic Superman speech from Jor-El.

“But there is another reason I sent you here. These ponies mean well, but they can become distracted. They have the capacity to become great, but what they lack is a light to show them the way.”

Why do I hear the voice of Marlon Brando at this point?

We then cut a year and a half later with Rainbow Dash taught in the ways of her powers (something I really would have liked to have seen, but whatever). She is then shown the suit she is going to wear to protect others.

“No mask... Won’t everypony know it’s me if there’s no mask?”

“If you do not wish a pony to see your true face, they will not.”

Well, it works with Sailor Moon so I guess I can’t really say anything. I mean, seriously look at this.

How can no one tell that’s the same fucking person?!

Well, at least in this story, there is an explanation. As she wears the suit, the image of her face changes and her voice deepens. And only powerful magic could break the illusion or if she desires to break the illusion herself.

Anyway, enough of that, Rainbow Dash hears a disturbance as she scans Equestria and darts off to confront it.

We cut to Twilight, who is reviewing the notes she took for the brief time she was studying Rainbow Dash’s meteorite. Pinkie Pie then barges in and declares that her Pinkie Sense says that something bad will happen to Ponyville!

It will be invaded by humans whose lives are terrible and come to Ponyville to make a change in their lives and fall in love with one of the main characters!

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Twilight and Pinkie Pie gather to the Everfree Forest where they find a…

“Giant... robot... dragon...” was all Twilight could say.

I think Twilight’s as confused as I am…

So the robot dragon attacks the city and manages to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who are trying to outrun the thing. However, the dragon corners them and it looks like all hope is lost.

When suddenly… Computer, cue Superman theme song.

Which one, sir?

The one from the animated series. That was gets me pumped up.

What about the John Williams version?

I’m saving that one…

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When suddenly, Rainbow Dash swoops in to save the day and beats back the robotic dragon and sends it out of the city.

Scootaloo, impressed by this newcomer (remember the magic suit helps protect Rainbow Dash’s secret identity), that she decides to go after her.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom try to stop her, but they are confronted by Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie warns them that it is dangerous to follow the mechanical dragon, but after mentioning Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie rushes off to gather the others.

“Don’t be silly; there’s always crowds when big mean robots get beat up and they never get hurt.”

Somepony’s been breaking the fourth wall again. That or she’s been reading too many comicbooks.

Rainbow Dash battles the thing and gives it a chance to surrender saying that she doesn’t want to hurt it.

It’s a freaking robot! It has no emotion! It has no feelings! It’s not alive! It doesn’t-

Ahem…

What?...

…

…

…

Oh! … Right… Moving on…

So, Rainbow Dash tears the machine apart and pulls out the Flim Flam brothers from the wreckage. I wonder how long it will be before they start singing about their Super Beastly Dragon Thingy 6000?

So the Flim Flam brothers leap up and try to take out Rainbow Dash. Yes, they try to take out the pony who ripped apart their giant dragon robot to pieces. I’ll give the Flim Flam brothers this much… they have some serious balls.

“If your plan was to try and overpower the mare who just tore your robot to pieces,” she said, reaching in and grabbing the two other ponies by their shirts “I’ll have to recommend you to a psychiatrist.”

What Rainbow Dash said.

Rainbow Dash takes the two to Twilight and says that the Flim Flam brothers are responsible for the attack on Ponyville. Twilight goes to contact the royal guards and Scootaloo watches Rainbow Dash fly off, still wondering who she really is.

We then cut to Sugarcube Corner where Applejack is shown to be closed minded about the whole thing.

“Nah, I’m glad they’re still alive... But I mean, some mare just shows up outta nowhere ‘n beats up some big robot that just happens to attack town for no reason? I bet she staged the whole thing!”

She saved your sisters, defeated a giant dragon and didn’t bother to hog any glory. She just flew off without even getting so much as a thank you. And she staged the whole thing?! I know you’re not the most intelligent pony out there Applejack, but come on! You can’t be this naïve! Poor Applejack interpretations. They aren’t just limited to bad stories.

Also, I seem to recall you being the reason why the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was destroyed. You really don’t think they would hold a grudge against that?

“Another thing, why’s she gotta be so secretive about everythin’?”

Gee, I don’t know Applejack. Maybe she’s trying to protect her family and friends from people who want to hurt her, rather than reveal who she is and put everyone she cares about in danger. But that’s just the opinion of one local idiot.

By the way, did you hear about the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well? I don’t know who she is yet, but I have a feeling that she’s more than one pony. I’ve narrowed the search down to somepony in Ponyville. One day, I’m gonna find out who the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well really was. Got any ideas?

Anyway, Rainbow Dash finally reappears at Sugarcube Corner and greets her friends.  The gang is of course happy to see her and then they explained what happened with the robotic dragon and the Flim Flam brothers.

Pinkie Pie then talks to a reporter and comes up with a name for the mysterious superhero. Supermare. … I like it! Supermare. It’s catchy. Sticks with you. The kind of name that looks great splashed upon three columns.

Sorry… Getting nostalgic. Superman the Animated Series. Check it out.

The mayor then comes around to ask Twilight and Pinkie Pie to put together a thank you party for Supermare, something that Twilight isn’t overly excited about. They then continue to discuss what to do about Supermare.

“Can you imagine what our lives would be like if everypony thought we were superheroes?

…

…

…

We then cut to Scootaloo who can’t stop thinking about Supermare and what she was able to do. Scootaloo’s going to be the Lois Lane of this story, isn’t she? Well, as long as we don’t have any sex scenes with her. Heaven knows I got enough of that a couple weeks ago.

As she tries to sleep, she finds a note from Supermare and asks her to meet her on the roof and Scootaloo reacts about as well as you’d expect.

So, Scootaloo goes to the roof of her house and meets with Supermare. Supermare asks her to come with her and fly around the city.

Kidnapping, because that’ll win you points on the heroic meter. Maybe Applejack was right to mistrust you.

So, Supermare and Scootaloo start talking and Supermare reveals her origins and where she comes from. Scootaloo is Lois Lane. Called it.

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Shut up, Doomsday!  I didn’t ask for your opinion!

Scootaloo is afraid that something will happen to Rainbow Dash with Supermare around, not surprising considering the way she handled the Mare-Do-Well event, but Supermare assures her that they will get along just fine.

Maybe I could talk to Rainbow Dash tomorrow...

Uh oh… How is Rainbow Dash and Supermare going to be at the party at the same time? I smell sitcom.

So, it gets even better when Twilight reveals a spell called the Seal of Honesty. Anypony inside the seal will be unable to tell a lie. Oh, this should be good.

Not too far away, Trixie and our mysterious stallion (who we have no idea who he is *wink wink*), overhear what is going on and plan to use the Seal of Honesty to their advantage in an effort to discover who Supermare really is.

Well, this should be interesting. Let’s see how it all plays out.

The ceremony starts and we cut back to Rainbow Dash who is preparing for her big public appearance as Supermare.

Supermare arrives and Twilight’s plan goes into effect. Wow, they must really be suspicious about a mysterious superhero who shows up and just wants to help people. They must be taking lesson on ‘how to support your superhero’ from the Marvel Universe.

However, the spell doesn’t seem to affect Supermare, well that or Mayor Mare doesn’t ask the questions that Twilight wants to. Making this very anti-climactic.

“Well, That was a bit anti-climactic, don’t you think?” Rarity asked.

Rarity, trust me. I’ve got this one in the bag. If I need any help, I’ll ask.

Twilight then reveals that she suspected something like this might happen and that she has a backup plan.

Meanwhile, Trixie is hiding in the shadows waiting for the right moment to strike. Next scene!

We cut back to the party as night begins to fall. And that backup plan of Twilight’s? That goes about as well as the first plan. Which makes this really anti-climactic since there was very little struggling on Rainbow Dash’s attempt to hide her identity. If this did affect her in anyway, she had an easy time hiding it and that’s not dramatic. That’s rushed! I felt like this was a hugely missed opportunity! I would have loved to have seen how the seal affected Rainbow Dash and how she dealt with it!

Anyway, Scootaloo approaches Twilight and asks if she had seen Rainbow Dash. Twilight starts putting together the clues that lead to Supermare’s secret identity and teleports over to Rainbow Dash’s house to confront her about it.

The next day, Rainbow Dash is sleeping in when Twilight appears at her door. Damn, how far away does Rainbow Dash live from Twilight? Twilight accuses Rainbow Dash of being connected with Supermare and asks what the hay is going on.

She’s never around when you are, and you vanish whenever she shows up. You didn’t get confrontational when we mentioned her, and she said she held no ill will towards you when we talked to her during the ceremony.”

What? When was that?! We never saw that! Yeah, it was during when Scootaloo talked to Supermare, but we never saw any conversation of when Supermare discussed Rainbow Dash with the other members of the main six! Where was that conversation?!

So, Rainbow Dash ends up thinking of a lie and tells Twilight that Supermare is a friend of hers that happens to have superpowers. She then goes into a whole privacy speech. And then basically makes Twilight start crying…

That’s seems kind of insensitive on both accounts. Twilight being too wrapped up in fact finding, much like she did in the Pinkie Sense episode and Rainbow Dash basically snapping at Twilight. And I thought these two were supposed to be friends.

I know that Rainbow Dash is trying to avoid her finding her secret identity, but there are other ways to go around this than snapping at her. Rainbow Dash could have her do a one on one interview with Supermare and have her ask any questions that she might have. Have them meet in a neutral location to discuss what Supermare is here for. There are others way you could have done this without hurting Twilight’s feeling, Rainbow Dash.

Also, you told a little kid, who you had known for a few days about your powers, but your friends who you have known for at least three seasons are untrustworthy?

Anyway, the next few days pass by and every pony starts to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration. Pinkie Pie confronts Rainbow Dash about a new prank she wants to pull. Rainbow Dash agrees and asks what Pinkie Pie has in mind.

Pinkie Pie mentions something with glue and that in order to distract everypony, Rainbow Dash should dress up as Supemare. Rainbow Dash, of course, thinks this is awkward. Pinkie Pie hooves her a suit and some dye to look like Supermare and Rainbow Dash agrees to it.

Rainbow Dash then spots Trixie and thinks that she is up to no good.

Trixie trots in and declares herself the new ruler of Ponyville. Supermare arrives on the scene and gives Trixie a chance to surrender. Trixie tells her to shove it and summons an Ursa Major to attack Supremare.

The fight ensues and Supermare discovers that’s she isn’t quite powerful enough to deal with the Ursa. She decides to try a different tactic and trys to enrage Trixie after discovering that the Ursa Major is being mind-controlled. Supermare then defeats Trixie by knocking her out and the Ursa Major goes about its business.

Supermare then starts to interrogate Trixie for information, but doesn’t manage to get anywhere. So, she pulls a Batman on her and drops her from several hundred feet. Trixie finally reveals that the villain responsible for the mechanical dragon and Trixie’s power rise was Zod.

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Supermare starts to search for Zod, but doesn’t find anything.

I don’t see how the royal guards does this sort of thing; he could be anywhere. She stopped and slapped herself.

Did she just think ‘She stopped and slapped herself’? Rainbow Dash, you don’t need to think what you are going to do.

Supermare starts to think that the archives of Equestria might have something on Zod, so she goes to investigate.

However, even after explaining her situation to the guards, they refuse to let her inside. However, Blueblood suddenly appears and tells the guards to let Supermare through. That seems kind of weird.

So, Supremare and Blueblood start to comb through the place when Blueblood starts attacking her and actually manages to pin her down! Damn, has Blueblood been eating his Wheaties or something?!

Actually, it turns out that Prince Blueblood this whole time was General Zod!

… Actually, this was kind of a cool twist… A bit unexpected and could have used more build up but… actually; it makes sense why he would choose Prince Blueblood to impersonate. He’s near the royal family so he always knows what the princesses are planning, he pretends to be a stuck-up bumbling idiot that no one likes because it throws off suspicion and he is royalty which means he has the funds, resources and power necessary for whatever plans he has.

That’s actually kind of neat. But I have a hard time seeing Zod act like this…

Unless it turns out that cake is his kryptonite.

Supermare and Zod duke it out with Zod beating the living snot out of her, stating that he is going to bring Equestria the future it deserves under his iron hoof, by killing Celestia and framing Luna for her death.

Zod defeats her and places a kryptonite necklace around her neck. And no, it’s the actual rock, it’s not cake. Although, the thought of Pinkie Pie assaulting Zod with cake would be funny, not going to lie.

So, wait, if Zod was carrying that kryptonite around with him, then how is he not on his knees writhing in pain? I think that’s a very legitimate question!

Zod orders the guards, who are also under mind control, to take Supermare to Ghastly Gorge.  I guess Zod has the power over mind control or something. Though I don’t remember that being a thing in the comics.

So, the guards take her to Ghastly Gorge and trap her under a rock so she can’t escape.

We then cut to Pinkie Pie bursting into Twilight’s house in the middle of the night. Pinkie Pie says that her Pinkie Sense has picked up something going wrong at Ghastly Gorge.

So, Pinkie Pie explains that her Pinkie Sense tells her that Rainbow Dash is trapped at Ghastly Gorge and they go off to investigate.

That’s oddly specific for Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense; it’s usually vaguer than that. But I guess, it’s like Spider-Man’s Spider Sense, it basically does whatever it wants.

“Well, I suppose if Rainbow Dash is in trouble then I could spare myself.” Rarity yawned

Not exactly the friendly concerned reaction I was expecting from Rarity, considering she is the best friend to Rainbow Dash. I wonder how she’d react to other life threating problems?

:twilightoops: Rarity, Applejack and her family are trapped under their barn after a huge earthquake and they can’t get out!

:duck: Hm… I’ve never really been fond of apples. I’m sure their fine…

:twilightoops: Rarity, Fluttershy just got shot and needs a kidney transplant!

:duck: I am not giving up my perfect kidney. What were to happen if my kidney were to fail?

:twilightangry2: Rarity, Pinkie Pie is dying of cancer!

:duck: Well, I suppose I could make an appearance at her funeral.

:twilightangry2: You’re a bitch, you know that?!

Though to be fair, none of the other girls are showing that much concern for Rainbow Dash either even though Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense has never been proven wrong and everypony in Ponyville already knows that. Man, that year or so away from them must have really drifted them apart.

Well, okay except for Fluttershy…

Yes, there is a reason why she is best pony. Get over it!

They go to Ghastly Gorge and start looking high and low for Rainbow Dash. They run into several of the guards from the castle, who it turns out are working for Zod. They attack the heroes, but our heroes manage to fight them off. Twilight discovers that the guards were brain washed, just like the Flim Flam brothers.

They finally find Rainbow Dash under the boulder, but Rainbow Dash tells them to worry about the necklace around her neck. When confronted why, Rainbow Dash finally reveals that she is Supermare. Rainbow Dash explains that she didn’t tell them who she was because she was afraid that her friends would turn on them.

And since this is a GOOD story, Rainbow Dash’s friends welcome her with open arms, even after explaining she was an alien. Now a bad story would have made her friends hate her for a small white lie, but thankfully the author actually knows what he is doing.

However, the characters seem a little too accepting, like this was a normal day for them. Like they were saying to themselves, “Yeah, I could totally see Rainbow Dash as a super powered alien from another planet. Yep, totally legit and not surprising or life changing at all. I wonder what I’ll have for breakfast this morning”

“Let’s not get distracted here, Twilight,” Rarity walked up to Rainbow Dash “How am I suppose to know that you aren’t just lying to us?”

Um… isn’t there an evil plot to kill Celestia that Rainbow Dash should probably be stopping? I mean, you know who Zod’s secret pony identity is. Isn’t saving Celestia a bit more important than proving who you are to your friends? I mean she’s only the ruler of Equestria and an innocent life in all this. Probably should be saving her.

No? Just going to hope that Zod hasn’t already killed her? Okay then.

”Suppose I should be thankin’ ya too.” Applejack said, coming forward to join Rarity “Ever since my folks died, Applebloom’s been the thing holdin’ my family together. If she weren’t around... well, there’s no tellin’ what I’d do.”

“Hey, you could get creative.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, what the hell is that supposed to mean?! A family member almost dies and you joke about it?! I don’t know which one of the six that is, but they are lucky I don’t! Otherwise, they would get a face full of shotgun!

So, finally, Rainbow Dash explains that Blueblood is evil and that he is going to try and kill Celestia. Rainbow Dash tells the others to ready themselves back at Ponyville and then come to Canterlot. And with that, Rainbow Dash flies off to confront Zod again.

“I just hope she knows what she’s doing.” Twilight said “Okay, I think I have enough magic for a teleport back to Ponyville, but we might be cutting it a bit close. So if I singe anyone... I’m really sorry and didn’t mean to do it.”

And if I take off somepony’s limb, know that I am really, really sorry.

We cut to Celestia who is just raising the sun when Luna comes in to greet her. Luna notices that Celestia is stressing out about something, but when asked about it, Celestia doesn’t really understand it herself.

Celestia starts to raise the sun for the celebration when she is attacked by one of the brainwashed servants of Zod. However, thanks to Supermare arriving, he manages to save Celestia and stop the assassin.

Supermare explains where the assassin came from and explains that she can apprehend him. She then soars off to confront Zod.

She finds Zod and attacks him, revealing his identity to Canterlot. They fight all throughout Canterlot and exchange banter back and forth. God, I love superhero stories.

That would not be enough. You don’t know what it’s like to really be a leader, to have

hundreds of ponies obeying your every command. While you would go about with your foalish dress-up game, every stallion, mare and foal would kneel before Zod!”

I still have no idea where that comes from… But I swear I’ve heard it before…

Rainbow Dash knocks him into the throne room and prepares to slice the two pillars Zod is stuck between causing them to fall on him.

Please don’t be mad at me for this, Princess,she thought.

You are stopping a terrorist from taking over her kingdom and murdering her! I don’t think a little property damage is going to bother her too much!

Rainbow Dash finally pins Zod down and demands his surrender. Zod, of course, refuses and starts to overload the magical energies in his body, that will cause him to explode killing everyone in Canterlot.

Wait, what?

Yeah, apparently unicorns are walking nuclear bombs in this world.

Anyway, we cut back the rest of the main cast, who are evacuating Canterlot. Celestia confronts her student and asks if Rainbow Dash is Supermare. When Twilight responses confirming it, Celestia asks them to not tell Luna about Supermare’s secret identity.

Supermare grabs Zod and hurls him into outer space to protect every pony. Zod explodes, supposedly killing himself, but everypony is safe thanks to Supermare.

Rainbow Dash falls onto the ground and doesn’t manage to move.

No, no. We’re not there yet, but I’m sure it’s coming…

We cut to a hospital where the main cast is waiting for word on Rainbow Dash. The doctor appears and says that Dash is in a coma and they are unsure if she will awaken from it.

Firefly then appears and tells the six about how Rainbow Dash arrived on Equestria. Firefly asks if she can have a moment alone with her daughter and the main characters leave to allow her mother some privacy.

Rainbow Dash enters a dreamlike state where she meets with her father and manages to awaken from her coma. Everyone rejoices that Rainbow Dash is alive and you know what that means…

However, as Rainbow Dash and her friends are celebrating, we cut to a mysterious stallion, who is carefully monitoring Equestria and analyzing every possible threat, including Supermare.

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And that’s the end of Mare of Steel. How does it hold up?

Pretty damn well. I know I made fun of a lot of points and there are some problems spread throughout. But when the story gets it right, it gets it right. The characters feel like their counterparts (at least for the majority of it. Still questioning a couple places), the descriptions, when they aren’t in dialogue, are still pretty damn good, and the plot is pretty solid (with a few spots that I do question).

Can it be improved? Yes. Does the make it bad? No. This is still a well-crafted story, despite its flaws. And ultimately, these flaws don’t take away from the overall experience enough to take you out of the story. The characters are strong and believable, the villain was kind of cool, the actions scenes were good, and it changed enough of the source material to still make it original, while still staying true to what they stand for. It has some heartfelt moments that I felt could have been expanded upon, but that doesn’t mean I don’t felt this story didn’t try.

This story and its author clearly did their best to give us something wonderful and that shows in every chapter. And while there were shaky spots in the story, such as the talking head syndrome, the magic overload (which to me still makes no sense) and a few scenes that really leave something to be desired, I felt that the overall experience was a good one, with very few places that needed to be touched up. And I believe that with more practice and more time, some good proofreaders and some great support, Iowafoever will be a great writer. Probably a writer who can in fact, go places with his work.

I would love to see more from him and I wish I had more time with his stories because-

Sir, you are aware there is a Part 2 to this story, are you not?

… There is?

Indeed.

Then what the fuck are we waiting for?! Let’s jump into Mare of Steel Part 2!

Click on the link to jump to Part 2.

Mare of Steel Part 2

I’m assuming that you’ve read the first part of Mare of Steel. If you haven’t, I’d advise you to do so. If you have, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s jump into Mare of Steel Part 2.

So Part 2 starts off with Celestia in a meeting with an unnamed pony and are discussing about a zombie apocalypse… Wait what?

Yeah, that seems kind of weird. Fortunately, Celestia doesn’t seem to take it too seriously, but the other pony seems to be convinced of zombies taking over the world. Personally, I would throw the crazy guy on his ass, but I guess that is why Celestia is in charge and not me.

The paranoid General Steel Wing… She has a paranoid military officer, who is more worried about zombies than anything else? He must have read World War Z.

Anyway, Steel Wing is convinced that Supermare is dangerous, but Celestia tries to sway him otherwise.

“You’re paranoid, Steel Wing, and I don’t want a paranoid general in command of my forces.

If there was ever a reason why Celestia should be in charge, this is why. Celestia is smart enough to realize that paranoia leads to making mistakes and not thinking rationally. This is dangerous to anyone who is in a role of power and everyone who follows and Celestia understands that. And that is why you are number 3 on my list.

All hail Celestia, motherbuckers!

Anyway, Steel Wing isn’t buying it, something I’m sure he’ll regret later, and storms off swearing that he will discover he truth about Supermare. God, he’s worse than Applejack was.

We cut to Rainbow Dash, who is relaxing and enjoying some downtime. She says that everything has been quiet in Ponyville and the only significant thing that has happened is she has tried out for the Wonderbolts.

Wait, she has super powers and she’s still not a Wonderbolt? Well, maybe there is some kind of ritual that she would be force to do and her powers couldn’t help her in any… Gainbow Dash… God, damnit! I’m already trying to suppress that memory! I don’t need to be reminded of it!

Rainbow Dash is getting worried that imitators are on the rise and discusses it with Twilight Sparkle. Also, on the rise are some nutjobs who just want attention and demand to be Rainbow Dash’s arch-nemesis.

“Yeah, they never talk about superheroes having bad days. It’s always ‘love interests’ and ‘arch nemeses’.”

Tell that to Spider-Man. And while you’re at it, ask him how his wife is doing.

Twilight tries to get some information out of Rainbow Dash, feeling that something is bothering her. But Rainbow Dash flies off to help some innocent ponies.

We cut to the scene of said disaster, where Thunderlane is attempting to keep his airship floating as it starts to plummet to the ground. However, thanks to Supermare, the crisis is averted. Supermare tells him that if it wasn’t for Thunderlane’s quick thinking that ponies might have died. Thunderlane humbly suggests that he was just doing what was right.

You’ve got all of Ponyville backing you up, Thunderlane! … And a shit ton of OC’s, but you get the point!

Supermare flies off and Thunderlane simply watches her take off.

We cut to Steel Wing who is pissed off about the zombie thing, though to be fair I would be too if Celestia basically called me crazy. However, he is even more upset that nopony is doing anything about Supermare, claiming that the guards are practically useless.

“And why not? They couldn’t defeat Nightmare Moon or Chrysalis, so they’ll be useless fighting Supermare.”

Hey, he just brought up a thought. If Celestia’s army is basically useless against everything, why the hell are they there? The only soldier that I have seen that is actually competent is Shining Armor. All the other soldiers do is seem to get there asses kicked or ignore everything around them.

Seriously! The main 6 can defeat an army of changelings, but a few highly trained soldiers, can’t even handle a few of them! Maybe the problem doesn’t lie in their incompetence! Maybe it lies in how poorly they are trained! You ever think of that, Steel Wing!

Anyway, a mysterious being named Vril Dox breaks into Steel Wing’s home and explains that he can devise a way to help him defeat Supermare.

Steel Wing is skeptical, rightfully so, considering this pony just broke into your home and possibly murdered your guards, but he asks what sort of plan Vril has in mind. Vril shows Steel the shrunken city of Kandor, a Kryptonian city that was lost before the planet was destroyed.

Vril then leaves Steel Wing with a list of powerful allies that he can used to defeat Supermare.

We then cut to Firefly and Rainbow Dash talking about what Rainbow Dash is going through. Firefly says that she isn’t impressed with Rainbow Dash’s inability to control her temper and that one day it is going to get the better of her.

Rainbow Dash denies her temper, rather harshly I might add, and Firefly dismisses it. Doesn’t Rainbow Dash basically snapping at her mother means she has a temper problem? And her mother lets go of that problem a little too easily for me. It would be like someone telling me I have a temper problem and the next sentence they say I don’t.

You do have a temper problem, sir.

I fucking do not! Now shut up!

Yes, sir.

… What?!

We then get the reason why Rainbow Dash is not on the team, despite her having super powers and her mother being the coach. Firefly doesn’t want the Wonderbolts interfering with her responsibilities as Supermare. If Rainbow Dash wants to continue being Supermare, Firefly will not allow her to be on the team, because it would be difficult to balance the two lives.

That’s… actually a pretty damn good reason. Suppose that Rainbow Dash is in the middle of a show when some disaster happens, then she would be forced to abandon it in order to perform her responsibilities as Supermare. Eventually, ponies would start to put two and two together and discover her secret identity, due to her constant disappearance.

Also, this creates a pretty damn good dilemma for Rainbow Dash. She finally has a chance to achieve her lifelong dream, but in order to achieve it she has to give up her responsibility to her fathers and the ponies she protects. That’s a really damn good dilemma for her character, as it forces her to choose between what she wants and what her responsibilities are. Superheroes don’t have problems my ass!

Rainbow Dash brings up Thunderlane and says that she is concerned about him. Firefly tells her to go check in on him if she is really concerned.

Rainbow Dash, guised as Supermare, goes to check up on Thunderlane. And during the conversation, Thunderlane asks Supermare out on a date. You keep changing your Lois Lane stand-ins. First it was Twilight. Then it was Scootaloo. Now it’s Thunderlane. Make up your mind!

The next day Rainbow Dash runs into Scootaloo. Scootaloo asks what she’s been up to and Rainbow Dash tells her that she just needs to get to Rarity’s to talk about something, but she doesn’t tell Scootaloo what.

Rainbow Dash quickly changes the subject and tells Scootaloo about a series of caves she and her friends could explore.

CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SPELUNKERS, YAY!

After Scootaloo accidently crashes into a fruit cart, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon come to cause Scootaloo grief. Rainbow Dash attempts to step in, however, somepony else beats her to the punch.

Silver Spoon pointed over towards the damaged cart, smiling sheepishly. The stallion was unimpressed.

“We will discuss this at a later time. Take your friend and return home.”

“Yes father.” Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened slightly and her jaw lost a bit of tension. Silver Spoon has a father?

Wow… you’re kind of a dick, aren’t you, Rainbow Dash? I mean… did you just assume she was an orphan? Did you just assume she didn’t have any parents? I know they never appear in the show, but… really?

Anyway, Rainbow Dash talks to the father of Silver Spoon, who turns out to be a pony named Alexander Silversmith.

but you may call me ‘Lex’.

Hm… this could actually be interesting. The daughter of the arch-enemy of Rainbow Dash is the arch-enemy of Scootaloo. The parallels this could draw from. This should be interesting

Anyway, Lex reveals that he was an inventor for a time, but then leaves stating he has important business to attend to, taking his daughter with him.

Rainbow Dash suspects he’s up to no good, but with no evidence of what, she just leaves it be.

Rainbow Dash goes to Applejack for information on Lex. I don’t know why, since Applejack most likely doesn’t know who high society ponies are. Rarity would have been a more logical choice. Not to mention that you were already on your way there anyway. Also, Pinkie Pie would have been a better choice since she knows everypony in Ponyville. And she does mean, everypony in Ponyville. She would know who Lex is.

Not trying to dog on Applejack here, I’m just saying that it doesn’t seem like she would be my first choice in this situation. Anyway, it turns out that Applejack has seen him before, during her brief stay in Manehatten.

“Yeah, well he was downright weird if’n ya ask me; he’d be all fancy one minute, then he’d slink off ta who knows where. ‘Least Twilight’d say goodbye if she ever wanted ta get back ta science.”

Okay. That was pretty damn funny. Computer, get back to the science.

What type of science, sir?

What are you talking about? The science. Get back to it.

There are multiple branches of science, sir. Each one studying different subjects. There is physical science, such as physics and chemistry. Earth science, which consists of Oceanography, Geology, Meteor-

I don’t care! Whatever one will get me a machine gun faster! Stupid machine, doesn’t know the first thing about science.

So, we discover that Lex doesn’t live in Ponyville and that he lives in Manehatten, but Silver Spoon continues to live in Ponyville. Turns out that Lex dropped his whole family in Ponyville and left them to fend for themselves.

You know that would make a pretty damn good story by itself. I’m writing that one down.

So Rainbow Dash asks why Lex would suddenly come to Ponyville.

“Beats me. Ah ain’t a gossip like Rarity, and Ah don’t think she’d want ta know a lot ‘bout Silversmith.”

I know I brought this up before, but it bears repeating. You were on your way to Rarity’s! Why are you not there talking about it to her and getting the other thing of your chest?!

So, Applejack reveals that going to Pinkie Pie would have been a bad idea. It turns out that Pinkie was terrified of Lex, for very vague reasons, and that her Pinkie Sense was telling her something bad was going to happen with this stallion. … That doesn’t seem like Pinkie Pie at all to me.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one, as Rainbow Dash finds it hard to believe as well. However, if it was true, Rainbow Dash feels that Lex is worth keeping an eye on and goes to Silver Spoon’s house to investigate.

She begins to spy on Silver Spoon’s family as they enjoy a quiet dinner. We then get some insight into Lex’s character.

“I’m sure it wasn’t. However, how you handled the situation is less than satisfactory; you drew attention to yourself and turned multiple ponies against you, and once everypony is against you you will suffer. You should have waited for a more opportune moment, when any comments made would have assisted your position.”

You know… I’m going to take a wild guess and say…

That’s basically what this translates into.

Rainbow Dash overhears a plan about attacking somepony and Rainbow Dash is convinced that Lex is not as good as he seems.

However, Rainbow Dash is forced to leave when he hears about the silent alarm that went off due to her presence and she decides to investigate further another time.

She flies over to Manehatten on the lookout for any problems that Lex might be connected to. She spots some guys on a rooftop, but doesn’t see any evidence they are working for Lex. However, despite this, she knows they are up to no good as they carry around explosives.

Supermare flies down and intimidates the thugs into surrendering themselves. And for those of you who think that they should have fought back. Here’s the image that was painted in my mind.

And I think I just wet myself…

The next day Lex isn’t happy about his plan failing, thanks to Supermare and vows revenge on her. Lex, Steel Wing and the mysterious Vril Nox. And they say superheroes don’t have problems.

We cut to Rainbow Dash, who is finally going to Rarity’s. Kind of a day late, don’t you think? Well, better late than never I suppose. Anyway,  Rainbow Dash explains that he’s going on a date with Thunderlane as Supermare and is not really sure she is okay with the idea. Rarity is worried that Rainbow Dash is going to tell him her secret.

“Rarity, it’s just a small get together; it’s not like I’m getting married or anything.”

Nah, it will take several decades of comics to get that far. Besides, Rainbow Dash would have to die first by a hulking monster that was really just created for the sake of killing her. … I’m not kidding. Look it up. Doomsday.

Rainbow Dash asks for advice on the matter, but Rarity just says to enjoy herself. And really, that’s the best advice anyone can give. If it works out, great. If not, there are plenty of other apples in the orchard. You don’t have to settle for one! That goes for all of you who are dreading over the one guy or girl that you lost.

Oh, great now I just turned this into a PSA. We’d better move on before I mention the dangers of alcohol abuse.

Anyway, we cut back to Lex, who is working on a weapon to take down Supermare. Damn, this guy works fast. What has it been? One day since he even heard about Supermare?

General Steel Wing meets with him and asks for his help on destroying Supermare. Lex, of course, agrees to it, but he wants to defeat Supermare on his terms.  He shows General Steel Wing a device that can shut down the neural network of a pony. General Steel Wing agrees to this and demands that Lex make more of these to capture Supermare.

As General Wing leaves, Vril Dox appears and makes a deal with Lex. Vril will upgrade the tech that Lex needs to capture Supermare with and in return, Lex will not only be rid of an enemy, but will share in Vril’s knowledge. I’m sure this won’t backfire on him later.

Rainbow Dash starts to talk to Tank the turtle-

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What Rainbow Dash said.

And starts to ask herself why she is on this date and if she should get some more advice on the subject. She thinks about going to Rarity for more advice but after venting to Tank, she gets her confidence. She meets up with Thunderlane and they decide to have a picnic

Thunderlane tries to talk to Supermare, but is intimidated by her. Thunderlane finally gets out his question, thanks to a little coercing from Supermare, and asks if Supermare was waiting around for bad things to happen.

Well, that’s kind of what superheroes do. Something bad has to happen before they can react to it.

So, Supermare and Thunderlane fly to one the hills near Sweet Apple Acres and start a conversation. That really doesn’t tell us a lot about Thunderlane, only that his parent’s divorced when he was young. While that does suck, that really isn’t a lot to go on. Yeah, they mention that they discussed dreams and hopes and stuff, but what kind of dreams? What kind of stuff?

Anyway, the date ends and Thunderlane flies home.

The next day, Thunderlane goes off to see his little brother when who should appear at his door. Why his father, General Steel Wing!

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Actually… I kind of saw that coming…

Thunderlane and Steel Wing get into an argument about Supermare. Thunderlane stating that she is a hero, but Steel Wing convinced that she is a threat.

Thunderlane tells Steel Wing to leave his house after bringing his mother into the conversation, with Thunderlane telling him that their mother took care of them when he was never there for them. I assume that the mother is dead, once again proving that if you are good parent in a fictional story, you are most likely to die.

Rainbow Dash starts having nightmares about the death of his father and the return of Zod. After a restless night, Rainbow Dash goes to visit the grave of her father. She talks to the headstone about her problems and while this would normally be emotional for me, it doesn’t really feel like it belongs here. I just feel like there isn’t anything here. I felt this would have been much better in the first part then in the second. It just feels out of place in this part of the story, like it was rushed in here because the story forgot that she didn’t have closure with her father.

She then gets distracted when she hears the screams of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

:rainbowhuh: You three are in a cave! How did you get covered in tree sap?

:scootangel::applecry::unsuresweetie: Very carefully!

So, we cut to the Crusaders, doing probably the dumbest thing in the world.

“C’mon guys.” Scootaloo turned around to face her friends. “Do you know how awesome it would be to have a manticore slaying cutie mark?”

Really? … A manticore slaying cutie mark? … Really? A manticore slaying cutie mark? You are taking these three children, young children, and you are making them fantasize about killing a manticore for a living?

Look, I know the Cutie Mark Crusaders are desperate for their cutie marks and are willing to try a lot of things to get them, but this is just stupid! I mean, really?! They think that going up against an adult manticore, who almost tore apart their sisters, is a good idea?! If it was manticore taming, yeah, I could see where the thought process came from! They saw Fluttershy do it and thought “How hard could it be?” Yeah, that makes much more sense, but this?! This is just so utterly stupid!

We cut to Supermare who is looking for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though I can’t see why it would take her long since she has super-speed, super hearing and x-ray vision but whatever. When suddenly, she is attacked by General Steel Wing and his forces.

We then cut to Vril Dox who summons a hyrda from the swamp at Froggy Bottom Bog and sends it after the crusaders, telling it to at least leave one alive.

All you need is the manticore they are hunting, since it is likely they won’t even survive that. You don’t really need the hydra, buddy.

Rainbow Dash continues to battle the paranoid general and notices that a hydra is on the move below. Feeling that Crusaders are in trouble, or probably dead due to the manticore-

Yes, I know I’m lingering, but seriously?! A manticore slaying cutie mark?! Did they really think that is what they were destined to do?! What did manticores do to them?! Kill their parents?!

Okay, back to the story. Supermare gets hit by the general’s neural disabler. Supermare tries to convince the general that ponies are in danger, but the general isn’t buying any of it. Fortunately, Supermare uses her heat vision to cut through the neural disabler and flies off to help the crusaders.

After not being able to find… *insert manitcore slaying freakout here* … the cutie mark crusaders are attacked by the hydra. Fortunately, they are saved by Supermare.

Meanwhile, Vril Dox looks onward and states that Scootaloo will be just what he needs for his plans.

Oh, my god! He’s going to eat Scootaloo!

Supermare then goes back to General Steel Wing and allows herself to be taken by him.

Yeah, general, once Celestia hears about this, I think your ass is fired.

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So Rainbow Dash gets arrested by General Steel Wing and is taken to a high security facility. Steel Wing tries to interrogate Rainbow Dash, asking why she is here and what her plans are. Rainbow Dash explains that her only “plan” is to help ponies and save lives, but the general doesn’t buy it saying that she must have an ulterior motive. And this guy is allowed to be in charge of an army of Equestria? Yeah, I can see why Queen Chrysalis overpowered them so quickly.

When General Steel Wing starts becoming enraged by Rainbow Dash’s lack of cooperation, Rainbow Dash starts being a sarcastic asshole. Yes, because that will help you out. Not staying cool, calm and collective. Reassuring him that you aren’t here to cause problems, but are here to help. Actually making an effort, instead of blindly insulting his intelligence. And you don’t have a temper problem.

Anyway, after the interrogation, Lex comes to the door and demands to visit Rainbow Dash.

“Sir, General Steel Wing gave strict orders that nopony was to see the-” one of the guards outside replied.

“Look, just shut up and open the damn door.” Silversmith ordered.

“... Y-Yes sir.” the guard replied, and the door swung open

Yes, apparently, the guards for Supermare will just let anypony waltz into his prison if they are stern enough. Clearance? Pfft. Fuck that shit. All you need is a stern voice and a little confidence in yourself and you can do whatever you want. Bonus points if you swear.

Lex and Supermare get into a conversation about the betterment of Equestria and how Lex is going to bring about it. Supermare, of course, doesn’t trust him. Lex explains that the power in Equestria lies with industrialists and that he plans to make sure everypony relies on him for jobs, food, and other necessities.

Supermare accuses Lex of corporate espionage and sabotage, but Lex plays it cool.

Silversmith smiled, something that caused a small chill to run down Rainbow Dash’s back. It was not like Pinkie smiling; this was cold, predatory even.

What the hell would make me think this is a Pinkie smile? He’s a manipulative bastard that wants to take over Equestria using economics. I don’t think this-

-Is the face I would associate with evil business ponies. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

“Yes, but how can you prove that I am lying? You may have respect, but you are still one pony; unless you bring forward hard evidence of my involvement, then you don’t have a case.” Now it was Rainbow Dash’s turn to glare.

Um… you just confess to him in a room that probably contains some kind of security recording system? I think that will hold up in court. You know for a super genius, you are pretty stupid.

Now, one could make the argument that they haven’t invented cameras yet. But in the show, there are multiple instances where they use cameras, so it’s likely that video cameras could exist.

After all, they have a machine that can cause a neural network to shut down! Why couldn’t they have video cameras? Now, you might be saying, “But Vril Dox helped them invent them.” No, he didn’t. According to the story, they invented these devices themselves. Vril only improved them. He didn’t invent them!

So it makes this scene where he basically confesses kind of weird. And being Mr. Paranoid General, I very much doubt he would leave anything to chance and not have Supermare monitored 24-7!

Okay, rant over… Lex tells Supermare that he is going to lead ponies into a better tomorrow and that there is nopony that can stop him.

General Steel Wing confronts Lex about him speaking to Supermare. Lex offers him some advice on taking Supermare down, but the general, being as stubborn as a mule, refuses to listen to him.

No offense…

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Another day goes by with General Steel Wing interrogating her, and apparently there is no big problem in Equestria during that time. I’m just saying it’s weird that whenever a superhero is preoccupied, crime just kind of stops and waits for them to get better. Well, except in Spider-Man’s case. Just saying.

However, Princess Luna comes in and royal voices his well-deserved ass!

“ENOUGH, GENERAL. THOU HAST CONTAINED A CLOSE ALLY OF OUR SISTER, AND THOU HAST INSULTED OUR CAPABILITY OF RULING. FOR THIS TREASON, CONSIDER THYSELF STRIPPED OF YOUR POSITION AND UNDER IMMEDIATE CUSTODY.”

Luna: AND THOU HAS USED OUR ARMY TO CAPTURE THIS ALLY WITHOUT ANY AUTHROIZATION FROM US OR OUR SISTER!

Steel Wing: Why are you still talking with the royal voice if this takes place after Luna Eclipsed?

Luna: SILENCE!

Okay, Luna does actually talk normal after she frees Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash asks her opinion on her and we should finally see why Luna might have been upset about the whole thing.

“Do you think I’m dangerous?” there was a pause as Luna thought on Rainbow’s question.

“To some extent, yes. But I believe that you possess a good heart and mind, and you helped save my sister’s life during the Summer Sun Celebration.”

… Was that it? … Was that really it? … I’m… I’m really disappointed here… I was kind of ... expecting a lot more… I mean, this was a huge deal that Celestia made to not tell Luna about Supermare. And the only reason we are given here is that, Luna doesn’t trust Supermare 100%? That’s… weak. I’m sorry, that’s just really underwhelming.

I mean, if it was something earth shattering like, a kryptonian killed her best friend when she was little. She was forced to marry a kryptonian jack ass. Hell, even a kryptonian made her drop her ice cream cone when she was little would have been a more powerful reason! I just felt that for something that Celestia made a big deal out of, it would have been… more interesting.

the ponies of Krypton were among some of the most honest beings I had the privilege of knowing.

Though, apparently not the most intelligent.

My sister and I owe our lives to them...” Rainbow Dash was about to ask what exactly Luna meant by that, but the Princess waved her off. “That is a tale for another day. I believe you would like to leave this place.”

Well, that makes my rant even more justified, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

We cut to Thunderlane who claims that he is having a good week, despite that his father just got thrown in jail. Man, and I thought I had daddy issues.

And apparently, Supermare, instead of going to confront Lex like he probably should, decides to go and visit Thunderlane and set up another date. Because an evil-mastermind planning to take over Equestria is not nearly as important.

We cut to General Steel Wing in his cell when Vril Dox appears. Dox reveals that he was the one who told Princess Luna about what Steel Wing was doing. Steel Wing threatens to reveal everything to Princess Luna, but Vril wipes his memory.

Rainbow Dash starts to scout the area for a spot to start her picnic with Thunderlane, instead of, you know, saving the world or some bull shit, when she runs into Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. They ask Rainbow Dash if they had seen Scootaloo around and that they are getting worried something has happened to her.

So Rainbow Dash starts to look for her when she suddenly runs into Derpy. However, Derpy doesn’t seem quite herself as she reveals that she was the one who kidnapped Scootaloo and that her real name is Vril Dox.

Vril Dox explains that Derpy is under hypnotic control so he can talk to Rainbow Dash.  Vril says that he is holding Scootaloo hostage and that if Rainbow Dash values her life, then she will get Supermare to meet Vril in Seaddle.

Supermare realizes it’s a trap, but goes to confront Vril anyway for fear of Scootaloo’s life being in danger.

So, Scootaloo is the Lois Lane of this story? Oh, whatever, let’s just move on before my brain decides to malfunction.

Supermare confronts Vril, who explains the backstory of Supermare and how he knows it. Supermare says that she isn’t interested in that and says that she only wants to know if Scootaloo is safe. Vril reveals her and says that he will not surrender her stating that she is important to his plan.

Supermare, not interested in his plan, attacks Vril and the two duke it out for a while.

I still cannot fathom how a Kryptonian such as you could retain so much of her ‘Equestrian Upbringing’ and still be able to function... well, I say function in the broadest sense of the term.”

A computer with a snarky attitude. That’s a stupid idea.

Would you prefer to be the pot or the kettle, sir?

Shut up.

Supermare tries to overpower Vril, but Vril proves too much for her. Vril then takes Scootaloo back to his ship and flies off with her. Supermare tries to keep up, but Vril disappears before she can catch them.

Supermare decides that she needs to find out more about Vril and goes to consult her father on the matter.

Jor-el explains that Vril was the only one of his species, the Coluans, that they ever met, presuming that the other members of his race died years ago. He explains that Vril came to their world even before Kryptonian’s took to space. He explains that through experiments and augmentations, Vril, known to the Kryptonian’s as Brainiac, he was able to transcend pony existence.

“Brainiac is more machine than pony;

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Jor-el explains that Krypton put too much trust in Brainiac and that Brainiac stole the city of Kandor in his mad quest for power and knowledge. Rainbow Dash asks how and why it happened, and Jor-el says…

“I cannot answer that question, Kara. I could have found a solution, but Krypton was destroyed before I could get around to it.

It’s not like I had a time window or anything and probably could have used that to find out where Brainiac is keeping Kandor or use it to spy on him or something and learned how to free my people.

Rainbow Dash rushes back home believing that Brainiac will strike again, stealing something that Rainbow Dash loves to use as leverage.

I don’t really see why he needs extra leverage since he already has Scootaloo as a hostage and a child’s death might hurt Rainbow Dash more than anything, but whatever.

She races home and meets with her mother and she explains what Brainiac is planning. She tells her to lay low and is off to protect Thunderlane.

Supermare explains what is going on to Thunderlane and Thunderlane says that she can’t be an effective guardian if she can’t be close to anyone. Dude, she asked you to wait for her for a while, not break up with her. Geez, this guys really can’t let go, can he?

Supermare is suddenly attacked by a masked man named Slade. Oh, wait this is rated teen, so Deathstroke. Deathstroke hits Supermare with Kryptonite and flies off with her after knocking out Thunderlane.

Supermare is delivered to Lex and Brainiac and the two start to toast their success.

Rainbow Dash finds herself tied to a table and… Oh, God! Brainiac is going to turn Rainbow Dash into Cupcakes! Run for your lives!

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Actually, she wakes up on Brainiac’s ship with Brainiac’s robot guards preparing to dissect her. Which really is not that much different from Cupcakes. But Rainbow Dash breaks free and tears apart the robots with little difficulty. She starts to soar around the base looking for Kandor and Scootaloo.

Brainiac tries to stop Rainbow Dash from freeing the city of Kandor, but Rainbow Dash is able to overpower his minions. Brainiac then offers Rainbow Dash to be a part of the city of Kandor and the last survivors of the city. And Rainbow Dash replies thusly …

“Read my lips: go to-”

“I predicted that you would answer in such a way. Fortunately, I planned for such a reaction.”

Yeah, actions speak louder than words, Brainiac. Here’s what happened to the last guy that tried that.

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But it turns out that Brainiac is giving the sadistic Spider-Man Vs Green Goblin choice on the bridge scene. Brainiac has implanted microchip in Scootaloo’s brain and planted a bomb in Cloudsdale. If Supermare goes to save Cloudsdale, the microchip will fry Scootaloo’s brain and kill her. If she tries to save Scootaloo, the bomb will go off in Cloudsdale and kill hundreds of ponies.  And within 15 minutes, the bomb will go off and Scootaloo will die anyway, giving a small window of opportunity for Supermare to come up with a plan.

Brainiac explains that the test is designed to break her will. That it will break the illusion of control Supermare thinks she has.

While I do question, why Brainiac needs to make a sadistic choice for Supermare, this is a pretty damn good dilemma and I am very interested to see how she will get out of it.

Supermare smirks and quickly uses her heat vision to fry to pressure plate beneath her, which would have set off either reaction. Um… Brainiac, you still have Scootaloo. Even if the pressure plate was the trigger for the bomb, I’d imagine that you’d still have control of the surge that would kill Scootaloo.

Anyway, Supermare rescues Scootaloo and gets her off the ship.

Supermare gets Scootaloo to Cloudsdale and orders her to give the shrunken city of Kandor to Firefly.

Supermare starts to scout for the bomb, but after she locates it, she is attacked by Deathstroke. Supermare tries to explain what is going to happen, but Deathstroke says he just wants to finish the job he started.

They fight it out, with Deathstroke using a sword that can cut through Supermare’s flesh. I would question it, but in Equestria, magic is as common as flies, so maybe it’s a magic sword.

Supermare finally beats Deathstroke and Deathstroke runs off. Well… that was distracting…

So Supermare analyzes the bomb and after exploring all of her options, she punches it. The bomb explodes but somehow the resulting explosion is not enough to take out Cloudsdale. … That was kind of reckless. Not to mention stupid.

But it turns out that Rainbow Dash is as surprised as I am (understandably so) and it looks like it’s time to face down Brainiac. Cue Superman theme song!

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Supermare and Brainiac start beating each other, but Supermare finally gets the upper hand (or hoof in this case). Brainiac starts to flip out (and for a guy who says doesn’t have emotions he is sure vengeful) and comes at Supermare with everything he has.

Firefly overhears the battle and races off to help Supermare. Brainiac is finally able to pin Supermare down and is about to finish her when Firefly appears and distracts him. However, before Firefly is able to get away, Brainiac kills her.

Good Parent Deaths – 3

Bad Parent Deaths – 0

And Good parent deaths take the lead by 3 points. Thanks for playing everypony!

Yeah, I really shouldn’t take light of this, because it is pretty tragic, but I can’t help it.

Supermare goes into a blind rage and tries to kill Brainiac, but Thunderlane stops him saying it’s not right and that he’s not an executioner.

A week passes by and Supermare continues to moan the loss of her mother. She consults her father, asking if there was more she could have done. Her father says that she may have to make that choice one day and he says that he knows she will make the right decision.

“I do not wish to pry, but how is your adoptive mother?” Rainbow paused, looking out at the snow beyond the Fortress before looking back at Jor-El.

“She’ll live.” With that, she spread her wings and took flight, heading south towards Ponyville.

God, damn it! Now, I have to change the scoreboard! Thanks a lot, fake out!

We cut to Lex, who is looking over Deathstroke’s sword that happens to have Supermare’s blood on it as he plans to use it to further his goals.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash visits her mother in the hospital and Thunderlane explains that she discovered Rainbow Dash’s secret identity.

And finally, our story ends with a hunchback named Desaad going up to his master on another world. And what is this master’s name?

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And that’s Mare of Steel Part 2. … Honestly… I liked part 1 better…

… Just hear me out.

I’m not saying it was bad, I’m just saying I felt it wasn’t as strong as the other one. The first one felt more focused and more centered. It was about Rainbow Dash coming to terms with her identity and the battle against her heritage.

Here it felt all over the place. One minute we’re dealing with Steel Wing, then Lex and then Brainiac and we are never really given a chance to breathe or take a moment to reflect. Honestly, simply lengthening the story could have helped a great amount.

The love interest was… really not that interesting. I really don’t see what real purpose Thunderlane had in this story. Yeah, he was the romantic interest, but he felt like he was thrown in last minute, like the relationship wasn’t able to flourish as it should in a short story. We hardly know anything about him and he’s just not that interesting a character for me to be invested in. There wasn’t any role he played that I felt Scootaloo couldn’t accomplish.

In fact, it made more sense to have a better relationship with Scootaloo than Thunderlane, since Scootaloo was actually in danger and she was actually threatened by the villain. I’m not saying that they should have a romantic relationship, Lord that is not what I’m saying, but maybe an older sister/little sister relationship that would have taught Rainbow Dash a little bit about being a sibling and an example to others. Isn’t that what an older sibling is to a younger one? And isn’t that what Supermare is supposed to be, according to her father?

The villains were interesting, while not as interesting as Zod. Brainiac was cool, but not as interesting to watch. Lex, we hardly got to know, so I hardly connected with him. The only villain that I actually enjoyed reading about was General Steel Wing. His paranoia made him an interesting character and enjoyed reading about him. He was actually pretty well done and I felt sorry for him in the end.

It also suffers a lot of the same problems as the first half of the story, but I do admit it got better as the story went on. For the first few chapters the talking head syndrome was present, but as it went on, they story got better at giving the characters movement. There were still sections of it, but they didn’t feel like talking heads.

The action scenes were more creative, though I do question why Deathstroke needed to be in this when we had three villains already.

It clearly takes some of the best pieces of the Superman mythos such as Superman: Brainiac, Superman the Animated Series and Justice League series.

Now,for all that I’ve said, what kind of judgment to I give it?...

…

…

…

While the second part did hurt this story, I don’t think it was enough to not enjoy it. There are things to enjoy about it. Rainbow Dash felt completely in character, even as Supermare. The other members of the main six were not just assholes to get into Rainbow Dash’s way, they actually made use of their skills to aid her when they could. The villains, while there were a couple that didn’t interest me, were never unlikable to the point of annoying. All the villains still had a level of threat and respect to them that they need and were more than a match for Supermare. The action scenes were pretty good. There was a level of emotion for the characters, and while I do think that some scenes could have used more and other scenes could have used more exploration, the scenes that were fleshed out were pretty damn fleshed out.

There were few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing that interfered with what was meant to be enjoyed. Overall, it was just plain fun. And a story that is fun to read is all I need to approve it. Yes, it has problems. Yes, it has flaws. Yes, there are things I didn’t like. Yes, there are things I hated. But isn’t that true with every piece of art?

Every piece of art has a flaw. It’s just knowing where to look for it. And if the artist can make it more difficult to spot it, harder we have to try to break the illusion to find it. And while I don’t think this was the best story I’ve ever read, I still regard it as a well done one. I would recommend it to anyone to enjoy.

And that’s my review of Mare of Steel. What do you guys think?

Yeah, I figured that would be the response. Have a good day guys.

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Lightning made his way back to the library he was forced to remain at until he was prepared for his task. He had not spoken to his partners about the severity of his mission. It was of the most important task of any the Grand Ruler had asked of him. Yet, he was charged with doing it alone. Alone, against one earth pony who didn’t seem to do anything but whine about how he wasn’t getting anywhere in life.  A pony who would constantly complain about things that he didn’t like about stories he had read.

Lightning would shake his head at his claims. If only he had the power of believing, he thought to himself. Besides, if he is so smart, why does he not have a successful story to his name?

He had been studying up on his opponent. He needed to be prepared. Not that there was much to go on. His family record beyond his great grandfather was shrouded in mystery. Not that it seemed that interesting anyway. They owned a small library in Ponyville, rebuilt after the one owned by one of Equestria’s greatest heroes had been destroyed in a mysterious fire. The library was rebuilt and given to the family of the Critique.

Aside from that, the Critique was did not seem anything that could threaten their operation. He was average intelligence at best, had no physical attributes and had made almost zero accomplishments. His computer, however, seemed to be something else entirely. There was no information on where he acquired it or where it came from. Still, it seemed like a powerful weapon had been placed in the hooves of an idiot.

And yet, the Grand Ruler was frightened of him. He would hide it under his stern glare and his confident smile, but he had been keen on reading his master’s facial expressions. He was afraid of this pony. Even more than their encounter with Titan.  As he made his way to the sofa, a tiny fairy flew up to his face.

“Well, how was the strategy meeting?” she asked.

Lightning shook his head. “It was fine.” He slunk down in the seat, taking in a deep breath. As he exhaled, he looked to the ground, his eyes not fixed on any specific point. His vision just seemed to peer at the floor as his mind echoed with his strategy to battle this Critique. He had no powers. No abilities. And as far as he knew, no magic. Not like him. His Uniforce was unstoppable. Not even the so called Elements of Harmony or the power of friendship could stop it. Or at least, that is what the Grand Ruler had told him.

Yet as he sat on the sofa, his mind conjured a question. If the Uniforce can overtake the Elements of Harmony, why have we waited so long for our attack?

The fairy sat herself upon the arm of the chair. “Are you alright?” Lightning looked over to her as she sat down. “You seem distracted.”

Lightning placed his hoof on his forehead. “Krysta, I’ve been ordered by the Grand Ruler to take out our newest enemy.”

Krysta’s eyes widened as her body shook with fear. “A new enemy?” She curled up and shook her head. “Is it anything like Titan?”

Lighting looked over to her and gently picked up Krysta. He took a deep breath as his eyes diverted away from her. “According to the Grand Ruler, he’s much worse.”

Krysta clasped her hands to her mouth, as she let out a gasp. A silence fell upon the room as the moment etched itself in her mind. She looked down to the center of Lightning’s hoof as tears began to dwell in her eyes. “What are we going to do?”

Lightning gave a smile and tilted Krysta’s head up to his with his hoof. Upon seeing his face, Krysta replied with a smile. “Don’t worry,” Lightning said reassuringly. “We’ll beat him. Just like everything else we’ve faced.”

Krysta leaped up in the air and wrapped her tiny arms around Lightning as best she could.

Lightning placed gently returned her hug. “All I need is the power of believing and I’ll conquer it.”

Krysta looked up to him. “I know you can beat it, whatever it is!”

Lightning let out a chuckle as he tilted his head upwards and blankly looked up to the ceiling. He wasn’t sure how this pony could be any more dangerous that the ‘Lord of the Dimension of Evil’ Titan. But he wasn’t going to take any chances. He knew if he was to protect his home and his Grand Ruler, he would have to destroy his enemy.

Spider-Man by James Cameron

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Amazing Spider-Man 2 is in theaters in the next couple of days! And… really… I wish I was more hyped…

The changes to the costume make it resemble the comicbook more. :pinkiehappy: The costume’s overly bright colors make it look too cartoony. :ajbemused:

It's going to be a complicated plot that will keep you guessing the entire movie. :raritystarry: It's going to be a complicated plot that most viewers won't be able to follow. :twilightangry2:

It's got a lot of verity of villains. :yay: It's got way too much plot going on. :facehoof:

It’s going to be the best of the Spider-Man movies! :ajsmug: It's going to be worse than Spider-Man 3. :raritydespair:

It has a great cast including Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and Dane Dehaan. :rainbowdetermined2: It has Jamie Foxx playing Electro. :pinkiesick:

As you can see there are a lot of worries and excitement going into this movie and with the trailers basically spoiling most of the movie, it’s hard to get really excited about it. But we’re not here to talk about Amazing Spider-Man 2. We are here to talk about a terrible Spider-Man movie.

No, not that piece of shit. I’m talking about the Spider-Man movie that never was. And frankly we are all glad it never was. The Spider-Man movie by James Cameron.

For those of you who don’t know, James Cameron is a Hollywood director on several good movies such as Terminator, its sequel, Aliens, that one movie with Leonardo De'crap'io.

Yeah, yeah, shut up!

So, you would think that the director of such successful films would be able to make a pretty damn good Spider-Man film, right? Actually, you would be right.

In the 90’s, (exact date is difficult to find) James Cameron wrote a script for a Spider-Man movie. However, the studio had difficulties obtaining the rights to Spider-Man, so the movie was never made. Though pieces of the script can still be found all over the internet, very few people know of its existence.

And very few people know that, if that film had been made, it actually wouldn’t have been that bad. According to just the script alone, Spider-Man still would have been his energetic self, arguably more than his Raimi counterpart. The plot was well written and it actually looked kind of interesting. However, there are a couple points that would make fans scratch their heads.

For one, this Spider-Man movie was supposed to be rated R. Yeah… A lighthearted superhero… in a rated R movie? This isn’t Deadpool! This isn’t the Punisher! It’s fucking Spider-Man!

Another couple of things that are a little bothersome are that, Peter Parker is a peeping tom. … Yeah, I don’t remember that in the comics…

Peter Parker and Mary Jane have bondage sex on top of the World Trade Center. … Wait, what?!

Youtube Video

Peter Parker ties up Mary Jane as part of a creepy spider sex thing with her… Eww…

Also, the movie seemed to have a bit of a potty mouth, with most of the profanity coming from Spider-Man himself. Now this was done before the Ultimate Spider-Man reboot, so there is no excuse. Well, technically, that still isn’t an excuse.

And the fact that… PETER PARKER HAD BONDAGE SEX WITH MARY JANE!

What the fucking hell?!

But despite this movie never being made, it was still used as a springboard for many of the things you see in the first Raimi Spider-Man movie. Such as the organic webbing, the relationship between Mary Jane (though taking away the bondage sex was a smart move), and Flash Thompson being a generic bully (I didn’t say everything they took was a good idea).

So, if James Cameron can write a really good Spider-Man movie, where the hell did this script come from?

I’d hate to ruin James Cameron for you guys, but while he did write the rated R version of Raimi’s Spider-Man, he also wrote what I would consider to be the worst Spider-Man movie of all time. And I get on my knees every day and thank God that this piece of shit never got green lighted. This movie would have replaced Howard the Duck as Marvel’s biggest movie disaster. This would have been the Marvel equivalent of Batman & Robin.

Yeah… That bad, people. So let’s dig into The Spider-Man movie that never was by James Cameron and see just why I am grateful there is someone out there who didn’t want me to have a bad childhood.

We open our script at a local college in the lab of Doctor Otto Octavius beginning some kind of experiment. It should be noted that the role of one of my favorite Spider-Man villains of all time would be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. … Wait what?

Wait, so they wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play one of the most tormented scientists in the Spider-Man universe? Look, I know that in the 90’s Schwarzenegger was a huge action movie star. I loved him in the Terminator movies, but if history is any indicator when you put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role of a nerdy, tormented scientist, you get nothing but really bad ice related puns!

Youtube Video

Or maybe that’s just bad directing…

Okay, chill, Critique. Let’s just judge the script.

Anyway, Octavius is focusing on his experiment when his henchman named Weiner walks in. … He has a henchman named Weiner?… Oh, god that image will never go away.

However, the experiment seems to fail as all it does it break the glass windows nearby. He’s in a school?! What made you think it was a good idea to test whatever the hell you are testing in a school?!

But Octavius doesn’t seem bothered by it, as he just dusts himself off and tries the experiment again.

OCK

Okey... dokey!

… Okey… dokey? Did Doctor Octavius just say… ‘Okey Dokey’? Well, maybe it will be like Spectacular Spider-Man where you think Octavius is a weak willed man who is easily pushed around and what you consider to be a nerd, but when he actually becomes Doctor Octopus, he will be a fucking badass.

Here’s to hope.

We then get introduced to our hero, Peter Parker, who is marching through the school when a beautiful woman should come up to him. Who is the beautiful young woman? Mary Jane? Gwen Stacy? Betty Brant? Felicia Hardy?

LIZ ALLEN is also a senior. She's beautiful and

intelligent.

Liz Allen? Huh? That’s kind of an obscure character. She never really had a relationship with Peter in the comics. Yeah, there were a couple scenes, but most of the time Peter was falling for Betty Brant. And even when Liz admitted to liking Peter, he didn’t reciprocate it. In fact, they never really got in a relationship until Spectacular Spider-Man the T.V series and that didn’t come out until almost 15 years later.

So, where did Liz Allen come from? She’s wasn’t a huge character in the Spider-Man series at the time. In fact, the only significant thing that was going on with her at the time was she was married to Harry Osborn, the Green Goblin and Peter’s best friend.

I know I’m lingering on this, but this is a very odd decision. Were they going to scrap her at the end of this and replace her with a well-known Spider-Man love interest? My god, Debra Whitman had more chemistry with Peter than Liz, and most of you have no fucking idea who she is!

Okay, I better move on. We still have a lot of script to go through.

Speaking of Harry Osborn, we see him arrive, rather out of nowhere I might add, as he asks to speak to Peter in private.

HARRY

Did the Astro-Physics Journal really

accept your paper?

Peter: I was just about to get to first base with Liz and you come up to me with a question about my physics paper?! No wonder your father thinks I’m better than you!

PETER

Yes. Look, Harry, I am busy with...

(indicates Liz standing

there)

HARRY

Yeah, you and the rest of the class.

Every one is busy with Liz.

Damn, I knew Liz was bad in the comics, but geez, I didn’t think it was this bad.

And because this wouldn’t be a terrible movie without a terribly, cliché bully, in comes Flash Thompson. And then he disappears… Well, I’m sure he’ll be pertinent in all this.

So, Harry and Peter dismiss Flash, just like the movie did, as they make their way to Octavius’s class.

Back at the lab of Doctor Octavius, we see two professors named Roz and Thorkel (nice names by the way) trying to see what Octavius is doing in his lab.

OCK

The anti-force experiment has now reached

the limit of electronic overload safety.

Therefore, Weiner, you will disconnect

the overload safety device...

Gross!

So, he starts to fiddle with his experiment with his four waldos. Wait, what?

FOUR WALDOS (three-fingered, snake-like mechanical arms)

… Was it really necessary to call these things names? Isn’t mechanical arms a good name for them already? And really? Waldos? Fucking Waldos! Are you fucking serious?! That’s seriously the best name that you could come up with?!

If you wanted to go for a good name, maybe the Harness? The Octoarms? The Metal snake things that move other things? I don’t know! But, Waldos?! Fucking…

Let’s just keep going…

Weiner goes to the door and tries to sway the professors to leave Octavius in peace.

However, the professors won’t budge and demand to see Doctor Octavius.

ROZ & THORKEL

Professor Octavius!!

Wait, he’s a professor? Professor Octavius? Well, maybe we’ll still get Dr. Octopus out of it. Maybe it’s just a cover or something.

Anyway, the professors try to talk to Octavius about his class and his students, but Octavius is too consumed by his experiment.

OCK

Thorkel you are the dummiest

administrator our university has ever had.

… The dummiest administrator? … Really? Doctor Octavius… Oh, sorry, Professor Octavius, just called someone the dummiest administrator? Who wrote this script?! A five year old?! It’s Doctor freaking Octopus! What in the world would make you think that he would come up with the kind of insult a four year old could outwit?! You are the dummiest writer who ever lived!

Ock tells the professors to examine his genius, but they tell him that he’s clearly lost it.

Meanwhile, back at Ock’s class we see that the classroom is being affected by Octavius’s experiment, with the room slightly shaking to resemble an earthquake, and that Peter is one of the first people to notice.

Ock’s experiment causes his classroom to catch fire as it knocks over some flammable material. Liz Allan, because she is the love interest in this story, gets caught behind the fire and is trapped.

Obviously, she has been taking lessons from Rarity on the subject.

Youtube Video

Everyone, take notes.

Peter tries to get the fire extinguisher to save her, but fumbles around with it. Flash finally is able to get pass the professor, who didn’t do anything to stop Peter from risking his life, but clearly prevented Flash from risking his.

Maybe like all schools, all that matters is the football team.

Yeah, that’s right! I said it!

Flash steals away the fire extinguisher from Peter and manages to save Liz.

So, Professor Octavius arrives at his classroom, not even noticing the burning smell or the fact that several students almost died and begins class like nothing happened.

And yet, none of the students bring this up and not even the dummiest administrator, who is in the same fucking room, does anything about it!

THORKEL

Wait a minute, wait a minute... you've

got fire forms to fill out, Dr. Octavius.

Wait, so now he’s Dr. Octavius again? I’m confused.

So, Dr/Professor Octavius explains to his students that they will be studying the power of “the forces”, whatever the hell that means. And explains that he is searching for something called “the anti-force”. Something that apparently can reverse one of the fundamental forces of reality, such as gravity.

OCK is "playing" his COMPUTER like the Phantom of the

Opera at the organ.

Oh, god! How long will it take him to sing about his angel of science!

And I can’t even picture this in my mind! It would just look too fucking silly!

Ock begins his experiment again and raises a ball with the power of “the force”.

Youtube Video

He then exposes that there are two separate worlds in reality. One that they live on and the one that is just out of reach. However, if someone were to reach that dimension it would destroy all life as we know it. But I’m sure Docfessor Octavius would never do something like…

OCK

Don't worry yourself, true inter-

dimensional penetration is still purely

theoretical, but one day... Maybe very

near... maybe in the 21st century...

You might as well have had a big sign over your head saying, “I’m Evil!”

So, after class Peter and Liz talk in the hallway about Flash when suddenly a woman shows up to them.

KIM comes by and leans seductively by her LOCKER. KIM is

a ripe one and hot-hot-hot!

You can tell where Cameron’s mind was during this portion of the story.

Also, the character’s name is Kim Nickson. Who the hell is Kim Nickson?

I’ve never seen this character in the comics! Was she made up just for the movie?! Look, I don’t mind original characters, but you have 30+ years of issues of Spider-Man! Why don’t you use characters that actually appear in the damn books?!

And apparently she has a pet salamander that she keeps in her locker… Weird. And totally pointless, as we will see later in the story.

Peter rushes off after Kim comes onto him and Harry tries his luck but gets rejected. And you wonder why Norman likes Peter more.

However, Peter is stopped by Weiner. Oh, god, the yoai fanfics are beginning to haunt me again.

Weiner tells Peter that Professor Octavius would like to see him.

Peter goes to Octavius’s lab and starts to discuss the physics paper Peter wrote. Octavius shows a lot of interest in it and wants to see it for himself. However, Peter says that he isn’t finished with the calculations yet and that he needs more time. Octavius tells him to come to his lab tonight.

OCK

Make it eight sharp... I'll be waiting

for you... Right here...

I get it. He’s an octopus… Ha, ha, ha… I’m dying of laughter…

So, Peter leaves and Professor Octavius tells Weiner to get Peter’s research paper for him. You know, it’s hard to take this seriously, when a 18 year old college kid can outthink a super genius! I know Peter Parker is supposed to be smart, but this is just stupid!

He’s smarter than Professor Octavius, the villain who was able to make his own mechanical arms. Oh, I’m sorry, Waldos! I hated those names so much, I completely forgot about them!

So, Peter rushes to the Daily Bugle. Yeah, he works for the Daily Bugle before he is Spider-Man. … Odd…

He tries to sell some pictures to the editor in chief, J. Johan Jameson, and he replies thusly…

Youtube Video

Peter leaves the Bugle with his head hung down as Jameson won’t pay him for any of his photos. He returns to his apartment when his Aunt May appears out of his kitchen.

MAY

(comes in)

I was just so desperately bored... I

thought I'd come over and make you dinner...

Peter: Aunt May, you’re the greatest! I would sell my marriage to the devil for you!

Aunt May: Peter! Don’t even joke about that! That’ s completely and utterly stupid!

Meanwhile, back at the school’s lab, the dummiest administrator and his assistant find that someone has torn apart the lab looking for something. They decide to investigate it themselves, instead of doing something sensible like calling the police, when they discover that Professor Octavius is performing his experiment again.

Geez, that is all we’ve seen him do!

Anyway, the two professors arrive and shut down Octavius’s project. Octavius tries to let him use the machine, stating that he is close to success, but the professors aren’t having any of it and tell him to vacate the lab.

We then cut to the home of Peter Parker where his Uncle Ben is sitting in his lazy chair, drinking a beer. Apparently, Uncle Ben is an alcoholic here. Or maybe he saw the script for this and is doing what I am doing. Trying to forget we ever read it.

The three sit down for dinner, but then Peter runs off to meet with the clearly psychotic Professor.

Peter arrives at Octavius’s lab and the professor decides to show Peter what he is up to.

OCK

You are late.

(to Weiner)

Weiner, go outside and get us something

to eat. And don't steal it! Just buy it.

I'll reimburse you.

Wait, why would you say “don’t steal it!” in front of someone who could most likely call the police on you?! I think if someone had to remind someone else not to steal something, that would raise a red flag! And why would you even bring that into a conversation?! There was no reason to say that! Peter wasn’t suspecting anything!

Fortunately for the professor, this Peter Parker is an idiot and doesn’t think it suspicious at all. Professor Octavius begins his experiment to create the “anti-force” as a small spider crawls into the room.

Octavius attempts to convince Peter that, with his paper, he would be able to complete his experiment. Peter is oddly excited about this, since according to the lecture about the anti-force, it would destroy the world if it was ever utilized.

Professor Octavius gets mad at Peter, when he refuses to give him the paper stating that it isn’t finished yet, and sends his one of his Waldos to crush the lonely spider crawling on the wall.

Yeah… That makes no freaking sense. He just attacks the spider with no rhyme or reason. He then goes on a rampage, telling Peter to give him the paper.

Peter, finally taking a hint, rushes off.

Professor Octavius continues his experiment without the other half of the formula (and yes it is as stupid as it sounds) when the spider gets caught in the blast. The spider then lands on the Professor’s hand and bites him.

So, that’s how Superior Spider-Man got made. … Hindsight’s a bitch…

So, yeah. Professor Octavius gets bitten by a super charged spider. I don’t remember that happening in the comics, but hey, I’ve only been a Spider-Man fan all my life reading most of his comics and history for years and years. What the fuck do I know?

OCK

(ecstasy above the din)

It's an energy storm! Okey! Dokey!

Okay, this is the sixth time you’ve said this line! What is with that line?! It makes no sense!

So, Weiner finally arrives after an explosion happens in the lab. He finds Octavius, who somehow survived, and makes a run for it when the police approach.

The dummiest administrator tries to assure the police and everyone else that they are safe, when Jameson arrives and demands to know the truth. Doesn’t that seem like something a reporter should do and not the editor in chief? I know Jameson does sometimes like to be on the forefront of his own newspaper, but I have a really hard time with this.

So Jameson ends up finding Peter in the crowd and bribes him a hundred dollars to go into a highly contaminated area that most likely contains radiation.

And like an idiot, Peter agrees.

Peter: Sweet! I just made myself a hundred bucks! Screw radiation poisoning and cancer, I’ll be able to pay my rent this month!

Peter sneaks into the school and notices the police, in hazmat suits, taking away Octavius. He then runs into the mysterious glowing spider that bit Octavius and gets bitten himself.

The bite makes Peter dizzy as he makes his way back outside, no doubt being dosed in radiation and could possibly contaminate everything he touches, but hey, what do I know about science?

Peter passes out and when he wakes up, finds himself perched on the side of a building like a spider. And according to the script, Peter takes this pretty well, just calling it weird.

No, Peter, weird is when you and that mare you really like show up at same Chinese restaurant. This is like finding out that she is an alien threating to consume your brain to take over the world. … Not that… I would know…

So, Peter decides to test out his new powers, doing all the flips and kicks that you would expect from Spider-Man.

As Peter does his stunts to test out his powers, he is seen and eventually approached by a named Max Reiss.

PETER

(reading card)

Max Reiss, models, strip dancers, escort

girls, blue movies...

Okay, that’s pretty messed up.

Actually, Max actually wants Peter as a performer with his new found abilities and eventually sways him into investing his money on his new manager.

Yes, Peter, invest with the guy who is into strip dancers and blue movies. I’m sure this won’t backfire in anyway.

So, Peter calls up his Aunt May and tries to explain what happened at the lab, but Aunt May isn’t listening and insists that he come home. I’m so glad this expanded upon the character so much, otherwise this might have been pointless… Oh, wait! It was!

We cut to Octavius who is recovering from surgery and it is revealed that his waldos have been fused to his body. The dummiest administrator comes to visit him and tells him that they are permanently shutting down his work.

Octavius takes this about as well as you’d expect…

Youtube Video

Octavius says that he found the other world he was talking about while he was unconscious and says that he could find that world again if he continues his experiment. He then kills off the dummiest administrator and put him in his place to fool the medical staff of his escape.

Yes, because I’m sure they won’t notice that the man on the bed IS MISSING HIS WALDOS! … Oh, dear lord that sounds wrong!

OCK

Okey, dokey.

STOP SAYING THAT!

I hate you…

So, Peter goes to meet with Reiss and Reiss takes him to a wrestling arena, where he expects Peter to challenge heavy weight wrestlers. However, because of Peter’s spider powers he should be able to win easily.

Reiss gives him his Spider-Man suit and tells him to wear it for the match and so Peter dawns his Spider-Man costume and goes to face off against Crusher Cole. (It’s supposed to be Crusher Hogan, but considering that you even kept Crusher is a shock to me.)

RING ANNOUNCER

And now, a new challenger, for the

thousand dollar fight, weighing in at one

hundred and fifty pounds... from parts

unknown! Here is the Amazing...

Mysterious... Incredible Superman...

No, no. I read about him last week and so I’m not doing any more Superman jokes.

So Crusher attacks the newly named Spider-Man, but he proves to be too fast for Crusher to catch. Spider-Man wears him down and then knocks him out with his spider strength.

After the match, Spider-Man and his manager are approached by Crusher.

CRUSHER

Hi, who are you, kid?

PETER

I'm Peter Parker.

REISS

He is Spider-Man, and I handle him...

Whenever you want a rematch call me.

Next time it's gonna be ten thousand,

what do you say... Crusher?

I’m going to put this into the rant later pile. Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be worth it.

So, Liz, Kim, Peter and Harry meet the next day to discuss the appearance of Spider-Man as they go to visit Doctor Professor Whatever title he wants to have Octavius in the hospital.

However, when they arrive they find out that he has vanished.

No shit, because that couldn’t be made clear by the sudden disappearance of his mechanical arms that are fused to his body!

We cut to Octavius who returns to the ruins of his lab, obviously there are no police or medical forces making sure there isn’t anyone who enters the contaminated area…

His henchmen, Weiner, comes back and is relieved to see the Professor is still alive. Weiner explains about what he saw at the wrestling arena and the introduction of Spider-Man.

Octavius’s asks Weiner if he could defeat Crusher. … Wait what? Why does he care about wrestling? Why does he even care about what Weiner said about wrestling? Wasn’t he just ranting about his goal to destroy the world or some crap like that?!

He tells his henchmen to go after Peter and to steal his data from him.

OCK

What a wreck. What a useless, wasted

wreck. Okey, dokey. We rebuild you, my

damaged darling. Bigger, better, hotter!

A world class, super cyclotron!

Okay, one… Bigger and better I can understand but… hotter? What does he have a machine fetish?!

Two… Stop saying “Okey, dokey!”

So, Weiner goes to collect Peter Parker’s data from his apartment, but Spider-Man is there to stop him by tossing him off a three story building into some bushes. I very much doubt that those bushes would stop Weiner from going splat on the sidewalk… Oh, dear lord I just said that…

Meanwhile, Doctor Octavius robs an armored car.

Suddenly a WALDO smashes through the DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW

of the ARMORED TRUCK, wrapping around the DRIVER'S NECK

and pulling him through the WINDOW.

I think all that Cameron really wanted to do with this story was write a lot of dick innuendos! Seriously, I’ve read clop fiction that is more appropriate than this!

We then cut to the Daily Bugle where Peter is just learning about the robbery of the armored truck.

We cut back to Doctor Octavius at his hideout, where Weiner slithers in from the shadows. He explains that the school is having a masquerade party and that Weiner planed on going.

Wait what? That comes out of left field! Why the hell are we concerning ourselves with a masquerade party!? Oh and as we later see, this masquerade party is pretty fucking pointless!

Octavius tells Weiner that he isn’t going and instead he is going to focus on getting Peter’s data from him.

We cut to the masquerade party where Peter, Harry and Liz get into a conversation with Roz, the new dummiest administrator. They ask about what he knows about Octavius, but he say he doesn’t know anything beyond what was seen in the newspaper.

Suddenly, Flash Thompson arrives wearing a Spider-Man outfit and goes to make his move on Liz.

This is as close to the source material as this story gets, everyone. It only goes downhill from here.

During the party, Flash is reading the recent newspaper on Spider-Man and everyone around him claims how cool it would be to have Spider-Man show up. Peter overhears this and decides to impress everyone by having the real Spider-Man join the party.

He dawns his suit and arrives at the party with everyone flocking to him, especially Liz Allen, who is now in love with him.

We cut to the home of Uncle Ben and Aunt May where Ben is ranting about rock and roll music.

I wonder if he and Batman ever team up to take on the evils of rock and roll music. … I’m not kidding.

So, Aunt May urges Ben not to worry about it and to turn in for the night.

Meanwhile, Peter is rushing home because of a tingling sensation that something bad is going to happen to Uncle Ben and Aunt May.

His Spider-Sense does not work that way! It can’t sense when someone else is in danger! Especially, if they are clear across town!

We cut to the Parker house, where a noise is heard coming from downstairs. Ben Parker goes down to investigate. It turns out that Wiener broke into the Parker house continuing to look for Peter’s formula. During a scuffle between Weiner and Ben… Oh, Jesus Christ… Ben is shot just in time for Peter to see the killer.

Peter tries to save his uncle as Weiner runs away.

The police and the paramedics arrive, but they are too late to save Uncle Ben. Peter, enraged by his uncle’s death, chases after Weiner as Spider-Man.

He traps him in a warehouse and confronts him. The police surround the warehouse demanding the two give themselves up. Meanwhile, they start to fight, causing the warehouse to catch on fire.

Spider-Man finally manages to catch Weiner and leaves him for the police.

You just completely undermined the entire origin story of Spider-Man! Yes, Weiner and he had one interaction, but Weiner was not doing anything illegal. And he didn’t do anything illegal until he actually broke into Ben Parker’s home. He never actually broke the law until that night when Uncle Ben died!

In the original story, a criminal, who Spider-Man spots, runs past him and Spider-Man doesn’t lift a finger to stop him and he escapes the police! Then the criminal shows up at his home killing his Uncle Ben!

It was Peter’s selfishness and pride that cost him his Uncle Ben! And that is the special element of why Spider-Man fights crime! Because he blames himself for what happened to his Uncle Ben! Because he failed to use his powers to help people and because he failed to be a selfless person, he now spends his life trying to fix the mistake he made!

This has no special connection to it! Peter doesn’t connect with this death at all! Yeah, he’s still pissed off about Weiner killing his Uncle Ben, but that doesn’t have the special connection that causes Peter to feel guilt about how he could have done more, which pushes him into become a superhero in the first place!

Anyway, we cut back to Octavius’s lab where he is putting the finishing touches on his machine. Damn, this guy works quick! What has it been? One day since he purchased the parts for his experiment?! And what about the freaking shipping to the lab he is working from?! Did he just roll up a monster shopping cart or something?!

However, he realizes that he still needs Peter’s physics paper and goes off to confront Peter about it.

I'll be back... my babies... my new

babies!

We cut back to Peter’s apartment as he continues his work on his physics paper. Apparently, Uncle Ben meant as much to him as he did the movie, because there is no mention of him ever again.

I know it’s a change from where he is whining about Uncle Ben’s death every other scene, but come on! There is not even time to mourn him! He’s dead, next scene! What a freaking joke!

Anyway, Liz knocks on his door to pick up her computer he was using and Peter goes downstairs to get her a cab.

Professor Octavius then attacks Liz in the apartment. He proclaims himself as Spider-Man and… wait, what?!

Professor Octavius just called himself Spider-Man?! We already have one character named that! Why are we naming him Spider-Man too?! And while we are on the subject, why the hell doesn’t Professor Octavius have superpowers like Peter?!

He was bitten by the same damn spider that was dosed with the same damn radiation! I know I should be happy since this is closer to the original comic since in the original comic Octopus has no superpowers, but it makes no damn sense! How the hell should Peter develop superpowers when the same thing happened to Octavius and yet he didn’t develop superpowers! Explain to me how that works!

Octavius tries to get Liz to tell him where Peter is, but Liz says she doesn’t know.

OCK

(running his Waldo in her hair)

You wouldn't lie to your Professor now,

would you?

Dear lord, this is porno fan fiction! That’s all this is people! Think about it! Penis innuendos every single scene, vain attempts at humor, a poor catchphrase for a character, plot points that are introduced and forgotten, and the disrespect of the source material!

This is crap fiction!

LIZ

What are you doing... let me go! Please...

take those things out of my hair!

That is not helping your argument against it!

Octavius starts to make a pass at Liz, (ewww) and Liz takes this opportunity to stick his … Nope, I’m not even going to finish the sentence. I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m not.

She gets away from him and rushes to the street to try and find Peter. Peter rushes up to the apartment, apparently the two missing each other and puts on his Spider-Man outfit.

Liz is trying to escape Octavius when he finally catches up to her, saying he will use her as bait for Peter Parker.

However, Spider-Man finally arrives to confront Octavius and we get our first superhero/super villain battle.

OCK

(holding Liz)

Who the hell are you?

SPIDER-MAN

Spider-Man.

LIZ

(seeing Spidey)

Spider-Man...

OCK

That's a lot of crap, clown... I am

Spider-Man, not you.

(points to Liz)

Ask you girlfriend.

(to Liz)

Tell him!

No, you are not Spider-Man! Shut up!

OCK

(screams)

Hey... you jerk... you phony Spider-Man...

Prepare to meet your death, bug.

Wow, your boundless imagination for quips and insults just leap off the page, Ock. … You are so clever. Between jerk and the dummiest administrator, no one could combat your wisecracks. What's the next brilliant insult you are going to come up with? Doo-doo head?

SPIDER-MAN

Over here, Octopus!

OCK

That's Professor Octopus to you Spider

Jerk!

Okay, if this is the dialogue you’ve come up with for clever banter for Spider-Man and Octavius, then I’m glad that the Raimi films had little to no quips in them! That’s right, I would rather take one joke per movie that was actually almost funny, rather than this dialogue (if you can even call it that!)

Two, YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS SPIDER-MAN, OCTAVIUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU?! YOU GET UPSET WHEN WE  DON’T CALL YOU SPIDER-MAN! AND THEN YOU TELL US YOU WANT US TO CALL YOU PROFESSOR OCTOPUS!

Three, PROFESSOR OCTOPUS?! REALLY?!

They fight for a while, but Professor Octopus runs away as the police come. Spider-Man then picks up Liz Allen and takes her to the Empire State Building… What? Why? You just saved her from a psychopath yeah, but that’s no reason to kidnap her.

Anyway, he takes her home, with Liz not even question how Spider-Man could know where she lives. Maybe she just likes to think of his as a peeping Tom.

Spider-Man tries to tell Liz who he really is, but can’t seem to bring it up and takes Liz back to Flash.

Flash has a fanboy reaction when he sees Spider-Man (frankly so would I) and shows Spider-Man the Bugle’s recent paper saying that Spider-Man is a criminal. Flash, of course, doesn’t believe it and says he supports Spidey 100%. While this is nice to see Flash Thompson actually being close to his comic counterpart, there is one thing about this scene that totally ruins it for me.

The Daily Bugle is hunting down Spider-Man as a criminal. So, what about his wrestling manager? The wrestling manager knows who Spider-Man really is! He has seen his face! He knows what he can do! He has information that could lead to catching a criminal! If he saw the newspaper, why doesn’t he go to the police telling them what he knows?!

And I know that some of you are saying, “Maybe he doesn’t want to get caught for the illegal stuff he does.” Then why doesn’t he just give an anonymous tip about it?! We never actually see Peter leave the wrestling business and we never see Reiss again!

We can only assume that he broke off with him after the death of his uncle. And I very much doubt that Reiss would just let it slide, especially after reading that Spider-Man is a wanted criminal!

What about freaking Crusher?! He knows the identity of Spider-Man as well. And as nice a guy as he seemed, he probably doesn’t want to let a criminal out in the open! Especially if they have the power set that Spider-Man has!

This is completely stupid! It makes no sense! And it makes the wrestling even completely pointless, since it has nothing to do with his origin!

Okay, rant over. Told you I was saving it.

Anyway, Peter gets back to his apartment and finds that the physics paper that he had hidden has been stolen by Octavius.

PETER pulls a file marked "Planetary Conjunction."

He opens it.

A piece of PAPER falls out. It says, "Kiss it goodbye,

Wall Crawler!"

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Wait a minute! Are you suggesting that Professor Octopus knows that Peter is Spider-Man?! If not, why the hell would he write that?! Why would he think the connection between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?! He knows they’re friends, not the same damn person!

If so, why the hell doesn’t he go to the police with this or give an anonymous tip to the Daily Bugle about Spider-Man’s secret identity?! Or threaten to tell the world his identity if he interferes?!

Oh, my god, I’m not even close to the end yet! And believe me, it only get stupider from here. So, here’s a picture of a cute kitten while I get something to drown my sorrows in.

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Okay, now that I’ve got my drink… Let’s continue…

We cut to Professor Octopus in his lab implementing the information that Peter Parker wrote. He sees that with the new data, his dream of seeing the otherworld will be a reality, thus destroying the world as we know it. So he sets his timer for 13 hours.

Wait, what? Why 13 hours? Why not just do it now? I’m assuming that the machine doesn’t have the power to perform it, but that isn’t made very clear.

Oh, well. At least, this adds a ticking clock element to the story. Now, Spider-Man only has a few hours to stop Prof Ock (Seriously say that out loud and tell me it isn’t stupid) and save the day. This should prove interesting.

Meanwhile, Peter meets with Harry and discusses with him what happened.

HARRY

I went to the wrestling, wanted to see

that Amazing Spider-Man, but he didn't

show up.

Again, why the hell doesn’t the manager just call the Daily Bugle and expose Spider-Man’s secret-! … Fuck it, let’s just get through this!

So, Peter asks Harry to hack into Dr/Professor/Spiderpus OctoMan’s computer to find out what he’s up to. Even though Peter should already know, since well, he was told his plan when he first confronted him!

Also, Harry is a hacker in this world apparently. Even though, in none of the comics I’ve read has Harry shown any prowess in such areas.

Peter and Harry see the countdown to doomsday is in 6 hours. Oh, wow. Now, Peter’s really got to start moving his ass if he’s going to take down Octopus before the end of the world.

It turns out the Octopus’s experiment is wreaking havoc on the whole town, causing power surges that cause fires and electrical damage.

A train crashes and Spider-Man arrives to try and help the people trapped inside.

During the rescue effort, he meets up with Roz, the dummiest administrator’s assistant. Roz tells Spidey that Octopus is behind the destruction the city is going through and that it’s only going to get worse.

Roz explains that Octopus it going for plutonium to power his machine. Wait, what? Why does he need plutonium if his machine is already operational?! And if his plan was to get plutonium to power his machine, why the hell did he need a countdown timer?

Whatever, let’s just move on!

Spider-Man rescues the civilians trapped on the train, but he is quickly becoming tired as he swings off to find Octopus.

Meanwhile, Liz and Aunt May are getting to know one another as May asks if Liz is Peter’s girlfriend. Liz says that they aren’t an item because Peter is too focused on his studies. That or the universe is trying to correct the consistency with the comics.

We cut back to Spidey finding Ock and confronting him. The police arrive and try to arrest them…

FEMALE COP

(gun poised)

Alright! Freeze! Up against the wall

and spread 'em

OCK complies. He raises his hands... and spreads the

WALDOS to full extension!

Anyway… Octopus escapes the cops and Spider-Man chases after him. However, Spider-Man’s webbing is quickly losing Octopus’s red Vette… Yeah, yeah it’s stupid. So he hitches a ride with Flash Thompson and Liz and tells Flash to step on it, chasing after Octopus

Yes, Peter, involve two innocent civilians who have no superpowers, no skills or any abilities that will come in handy to take down a psychotic murder!

Ugh… Anyway, they have a car chase scene, which would be cool if Spider-Man was swinging through the air to chase after it, but instead he’s riding in the back seat with Flash Thompson driving.

They chase Ock to New Jersey and Liz asks why he would go there.

SPIDER-MAN

New Jersey has the largest toxic waste

dump in the world.

I would like to extend my apologies to anyone who lives in New Jersey who happens to be reading this.

So, they finally hit a traffic jam and Spider-Man leaps out of the car to follow Ock.

Ock finds the sight where the plutonium is store, not even bothering with a hazard suit or anything that would protect him from radiation.

Spider-Man finds him and confronts him.

SPIDER-MAN

Open that now, and you'll spoil Christmas.

Or you know? Die from radiation poisoning…

Spidey and Ock fight for a while with the two trying to gain control of the plutonium.

OCK

Insect! I am going to squash you to

death... Once I lay my Waldos on your

skinny bones...

Yeah… I’m going to need something stronger … Here’s some kittens while you wait…

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Okay… I think I’m good now…

Professor Octopus manages to get an advantage in the fight as he knocks Spider-Man around and tosses him into a well of chemicals.

However, Spider-Man manages to catch himself at the last second and springs out to face Octavius again.

However, Spider-Man is once again helpless against Ock. So, Liz and Flash arrive to try to help, only to be captured by Octopus themselves.

But then Roz shows up and tries to talk Ock down. How the hell did he get there so freaking fast?! Last I checked, he was in a train that crashed as a result of Octopus’s experiment! I don’t think he’d be allowed to leave on his own without seeing a medical doctor!

OCK

But, they won't help me. Everybody is

trying to destroy my experiment. And so

are you, Rosomorf.

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Roz agrees to help Octopus with his experiment if he releases Liz and Flash. However, Octopus decides to keep Liz as a hostage to makes sure he cooperates. He orders them to get the drums of plutonium into his truck.

While working, Roz manages to find Spider-Man and tells him to stop Octopus at any cost. And Octopus is, of course, too stupid to keep an eye on Roz!

Spider-Man gets an idea and goes to a payphone to call Harry… Wait, what?

Harry tells him that Octopus has already punched in Peter’s data and that it’s only a matter of time before Octopus destroys the world.

59 minutes to be exact. Is it sad that I am rooting for Octopus to succeed if only to make sure this story is erased from existence?!

Anyway, Spider-Man rushes over to Octopus’s lab, where he finds that Liz and Flash have been taken as hostages.

Fortunately, Harry and Kim (yes, apparently she is still in this movie, even though she has served no purpose to it) arrive and they save Liz and Flash. They go to stop Octopus from destroy the world.

I thought this was supposed to be a Spider-Man story! Why isn’t Spider-Man doing anything?!

Spider-Man and Roz finally come upon the University and see the Octopus has already started the procedure to doomsday.

Spider-Man and Roz make their way to the lab and try to convince Octopus to shut it down. Octopus, who is coo-coo for Co-co puffs, refuses, saying that it is his destiny to destroy the world and see what the other world is like.

OCK

My energy storm has

started. My Anti-Force is on! History

is being made... Spider-Man, Rosomorf

cheer up friends... we're on our way to

the unknown cosmos... we three are about

to visit heaven... real Gods heaven.

Real God’s Heaven? … What the fucking hell on a sandwich does that even mean?! There’s no explanation as to what that is even supposed to mean?! Is there another heaven outside the one people who die normally go to? Does he consider heaven hell and that this heaven is actually the real heaven?! What the hell does it mean?!

Liz, being an idiot, rushes into the building to try and find Peter, who she knows is in there. Even though, there is no evidence of that, but we’ll come back to that.

And through the power of the anti-force the university starts to fly into space.

Spider-Man and Ock battle again, Spider-Man trying to shut down Octopus’s device. Roz manages to cut of Octopus’s Waldo with a fire axe and Octopus screams at him.

OCK

You were my teacher! And you want to

destroy my experiment. You are a

scientist for heaven sake... don't you

want to know what's up there?

And then Ock kills him.

Wow, Spidey’s track record of saving people isn’t all that spectacular.

Spider-Man and Octopus battle each other, when Liz Allen happens to walk in. Spider-Man gets distracted and starts to get pummeled by Octopus.

Spider-Man recovers as Liz arrives next to him and Spider-Man tells her that they need to stop the machine. They started to unplug it hoping that it will shut it down, but it proves too late.

However, as the portal opens it is revealed that what Spider-Man and Liz did make the portal smaller, only allowing a single person to travel through it. Don’t ask, the story’s almost over.

Liz tries to stop him, but Octopus is determined to go, even if he has to die for it.

OCK

Okey... dokey... Now that's what I call

an experiment!!!

STOP SAYING OKEY DOKEY!

So, with the destruction of the machine, the university begins to fall out of the sky with Spider-Man and Liz trying to escape it. Even though, Spider-Man could just leap out of one of the windows and shoot a web line, but whatever.

After a long and rather pointless escape scene, Liz passes out.

And our story ends with Liz waking up in Peter’s arms and them proclaiming their love for one another. Yes, because Liz couldn’t be wrong about Peter actually being at the damn school when it made no sense for him to be there!

I think you all know what how I feel about this story…

But first… I need a drink, here’s something cute, while I get a refill…

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Okay… I’m good now…

Can you see why this never got made?

It is unreal how bad this thing is. For someone who two years before directed Terminator 2, this is a pretty bad step down. I know as an artist you have bad projects, but… this! This is a flipping joke!

The characters are bland, with the exception of Flash Thompson. Yes, Flash Thompson was better than Spider-Man in a Spider-Man movie! And for that matter, Spider-Man never really did anything! He didn’t actually defeated Octopus! He didn’t fight any crimes, he hardly saved anyone, and he hardly had anything to do with the plot!

Octopus only went after him to get a research paper from Peter! Spider-Man stories should not work that way! You go after Peter Parker, endangering the people close to him so you can get to Spider-Man!

The dick innuendos are everywhere in this script and I guarantee you jokes would be made about this movie by everyone who saw it! The dialogue is just unnatural and strange! Octopus is a fucking joke and many plot points that came up we never saw again!

Is the Daily Bugle still hunting Spider-Man?! What about the wrestling guy?! What happened with that?!

Many characters that appear are never mentioned again. Like Kim? Yeah, what the fuck was her point in all this! Oh, yeah, she’s hot-hot-hot! Fuck that shit!

Or Uncle Ben?! One of the most essential parts of Spider-Man’s origin! Yeah, he was great wasn’t he? In all of the two scenes he was in and not one of them was he interacting with Peter, trying to be a father to him!

And even after his death, he’s never mentioned again or even shown how he affected May and Peter’s life. Yeah, he’s never brought up again!

The changes to the comic were unnecessary! Peter being in college when he gets his powers?! Doctor Octopus being a Professor?! Professor Octopus gets bitten by a radioactive spider?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

This movie is dog shit and I am so glad that this got canned! It’s stupid, it makes no sense, it has no place in Spider-Man’s history other than to be forgotten!

It makes Spider-Man 3 look good by comparison!

Not that good.

I guess if we were to take anything from this, it’s this, “Great artist have bad days.” And that is something we should all take, but this is pushing it for a bad day!

Have a great day, guys! If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the midnight showing of Amazing Spider-Man 2!

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3's & 7's

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, after a few weeks of nothing but either distractions or good fics. It’s time I get back to my roots. And what better way to do that than with-

Sir, do you not think you should talk about Amazing Spider-Man 2?

No, I don’t think I should talk about it.

Is it because you despise this movie so much that you feel that you couldn’t contain your anger if you started to discuss your feelings towards it?

I am not talking about it!

Is it because you enjoyed it so much that you will not discuss it for fear of those who hated it will attempt to kill you?

I’m just not going to talk about it! I’ve already been though a Spider-Man review last week and I’m not doing another one!

Sir, I would highly recommend reviewing it. You put so much emphasis on it, the fans will be expecting it.

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Very well, but you are making a mistake.

Huff… Anyway… Its time I started talking once again about the worst of the worst fan fictions out there. And boy are we in for a treat. Out of all the human in Equestria stories I’ve read, this one is probably the worst. Yes, it is worse than Exile of Daimon and Human of a Pony. How exactly does it beat the intense Applejack hatred and Flutter… eww…

Well, let’s dig into 3's & 7'sby System Breaker and find out.

So, we start off our story with our main character, who somehow appears in Equestria. Oh, good. Another human in Equestria story. Well, let’s see how unoriginal and uninspiring this one can be.

So, he comes across Fluttershy’s cottage, but stumbles over due to his injury. Fluttershy sees him and takes him in to nurse him back to health. And now we start the “Main character falls in love with me” timer…

And begin!

My eyesight was still disoriented, but I already knew it was Fluttershy. After all, she was the only small yellow being that lived in that house AND was capable of opening a door.

You heard right, kids! Unless you are a pony in this world, you are incapable of doing anything! Racism! It’s good for you!

So, Fluttershy nurses him back to health, which results in her slapping a bandage on his body. Also, the character (since we don’t know his name) has the balls to say that Fluttershy has no medical knowledge of any kind.

Yeah, Fluttershy has nursed several animals back to normal! I think she has more medical knowledge than you, you idiot! Of course, being such a big fan of the show, as the main character clearly states, you should already know that!

“Wow,” gawked Fluttershy. “So you’re some kind of two-legged pony?”

“No, I’m a human,” I explained, hoping Lyra wasn’t listening.

Okay… Why is Lyra even in this conversation? You wasted a reference on something that most people don’t get! I have no idea why the hell you are mentioning Lyra, when she has no relevance to what is going on?! You just referenced her for a stupid joke that doesn’t need to be there!

“I’m a bipedal sentient being that is quite familiar with pony culture… In other words, I’m a smart creature that stands on two legs and knows about ponies.”

“All those other creatures around here, they’re as dumb as a bunch of rocks!”

:fluttershysad: What about dragons?

“Nope, stupid.”

:fluttershysad: Or zebras?

“Nope, they’re stupid too.”

:fluttershysad: Buffalos?

“Yeah, they’re a herd of idiots.”

:fluttershysad: Griffins?

“Every race that I am not a part of is stupid! What part of that do you not understand?!”

Wow… I feel like I need a drink and we are not even 1000 words into this.

“This is amazing!” Fluttershy whispered. “I have to show you to Twilight! She’ll have so many questions!”

“Slow down there!” I stopped her. “You barely know anything about me and you think taking me to your friend is a good idea. What if I were dangerous?”

Hey, he’s got a good point. Why would you trust this absolute stranger to your friends? You barely know anything about him! Except for the fact that he is clearly racist! He insults your ability as a medical expert and he appears out of nowhere with no explanation of how he got there! I’m sorry, I agree with the Mary-Sue here. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to call him that. I mean, he just has many of the qualities that you’d find in a Mary-Sue, I got confused… No, actually, I’m calling him Mary-Sue anyway. I don’t need to know his name. As far as I’m concern, you are Mary-Sue.

He introduces himself, but frankly what’s the point of giving him a name? There is nothing to distinguish him from every other human in Equestria stories.

Don’t believe me. Well, let’s look at the checklist.

1: Mysteriously appears in Equestria by some random bullshit.

2: Is somehow more of an expert in everything than the main characters.

3: Has to explain that he is clearly dangerous even though he has shown no signs of such a thing.

4: Is easily taken in by a group of multicolored ponies even though they have never seen anything like him before and would obviously have a million questions.

5: Easily accepts that he is in a world of multicolored ponies because their life in the real world is so terrible that they can’t live there anymore and ultimately fall in love with Equestria.

Keep an eye on those numbers. They will be going up.

“I have a name,” I smiled. “My name is William
Mary Sue.
. As strange as that may sound, it actually does mean something.”

6: A name that has significance even though it’s just a god damn name and really doesn’t have any impact on who you are as a person.

Also, something that is atrocious in this story is the formatting. The sentences are all scrunched together leaving absolutely no breathing room. And honestly, it’s a little distracting. You have an ‘enter’ key on your keyboard! Use it more than once! Use it at least twice to separate your paragraphs! It makes it easier to read than a fucking wall of text!

So they make their way to Twilight's house to see if they can find out how he got here.

“It doesn’t make sense!” she yelled, her wings flailing out in her frustration. “Humans aren’t supposed to exist! They’re all mythological!”

Wait, what?! You mean to tell me that Twilight Sparkle went on that adventure to the human world and doesn’t believe that humans can exist! Is that really what you expect me to believe?!

What?! Did she just dream up the events that happened in Equestria Girls?! … Well, I wish I had, but what the hell?! Does she think that the human world she went to was just an illusion?! That is was some work of fiction?!

If so, they why the flying fuck did she care that she kept the element from Sunset Shimmer?! The world wasn’t real! The characters there weren’t real! And by that logic, the threat wasn’t real! So there is nothing for Twilight to care about in that world if it was just a figment of her imagination and I don’t think that’s how it worked!

You claim to be a much bigger fan of the show than anyone you know, but I’m sorry, I’m not convinced! I am not convinced! There is no way you could be a fan of the show and not realize this! My guess is, you watched the trailer for the movie, watched a bunch of clips on Youtube about the characters and decided to write this. You need to do proper research before writing something. If you aren’t going to put the time and effort into doing the research for what you are writing about, don’t write about it! It would be like me doing a homework assignment on Abraham Lincoln, but not even putting forth the effort into figuring out who he was and what he did.

Critique: Ms. Princess Celestia, I wrote my report on Abraham Lincoln.

Celestia: Critique, this just says that he was a human who did something.

Critique: Yeah, he totally was that one human who did that one thing and he was totally radical!

Celestia: Well, what did he do?

Critique: You know? That thing… That thing that he did… And that’s why he’s awesome!

Celestia: I understand that, my dear, but what did he do?

Critique: He… lived a long happy life?

Celestia: You’re getting an ‘F’.

Here’s an idea. DO SOME RESEARCH!

So, Twilight asks Mary-Sue for his name.

“William,” I stated proudly. “It means chosen guardian.”

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Who talks like this?! I don’t go around and say what my name means when I introduce myself! But you know who does? People who think they are more important than everyone else! They are so important that you need to know every aspect of their lives and who they are and what their names mean and what their favorite color is and what kind of breakfast they had two weeks ago and… WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

It’s not the author wanting us to love the characters; it’s the characters making us love them by being characters! The characters that I love in film, games, books, and other forms of media don’t shout to the audience, “Love us! Love us!” We fall in love with these characters because they act like normal characters! They act like people! This character does not act like that! He acts like he wants the audience to love him because the author loves him!

Now, there’s no problem with loving your character, but they need to be an actual character! Not a tool for your fantasies! This character, like most of the others before him, is just a tool! He’s just a tool for the author to live out his dreams of falling in love with the main character, but we’ll get to that in a minute!

“Humans don’t get cutie marks” I explained. “We never get any indicator as to what our special talent is. We’re forced to search on our own using trial and error.”

Yeah, because as we all know, ponies are just handed (or hoofed in this case) their cutie marks. They never get their cutie marks through trial and error. Nope. Never not once do ponies ever have to actually struggle in their efforts to discover who they really are and who they want to be. Nope. Never has happened in the show. Never…

Oh, hello, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo. How are you three today? Still working on those cutie marks?

That doesn’t sound easy or fun,” Twilight butted in.

“You bet your purple plot it ain’t” I grumbled.

Lord, I hate this character.

So, Mary-Sue explains that he doesn’t remember how he arrived in Equestria (translation the author hasn’t come up with a way that isn’t completely stupid yet) and Twilight explains that they were about to have a celebratory holiday concerning Starswirl’s birthday. And it wouldn’t be a Mary-Sue story without Mary-Sue being invited to the party. Sure, why not?

He starts to scan the library for books when he finds a book on the Binding of Isaac, which is actually a video game in our world.

Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as Equestria being the same world as Final Fantasy 7 and Sephiroth being an Islamic deity. (Don’t ask.)

Shaking it off as a coincidence, I plucked the book from its snug place on the shelf between the end of one shelf and another book whose title I didn’t bother looking at (or yet anyways).

Gee, I wonder if that book will play any significant part in this story. I am truly wondering. This story is truly keeping me on my toes and is keeping me guessing.

So, it turns out that more of human work was found in Twilight’s library. Like “Assassin’s Creed.” Because, clearly ponies are not capable of making good fiction. (Though you’re one to talk, Mr. I can’t write a decent character to save my life, or come up with an original plot and instead use an overly cliché plot.)

The festival was all-out. They did pretty much everything they could to make it fun.

Wow, this party is just awesome! I mean we are doing… um… we are… We are having fun by doing… um…

What the fuck are we doing that is fun?! Is this fun?!

Yeah, that looks like fun, doesn’t it?! Because that’s what’s going through my head right now!

What’s that? Not what you had in mind?

THEN EXPLAIN IT, YOU IDIOT!

Show us what is happening! Don’t tell us they are having fun! Show us that they are having fun! Are they throwing darts?! Riding roller-coaster?! Burning people at the stake?! I don’t give a flying shit what they are doing! I’d just like some God-damn clarity!

Eventually, Rainbow Dash caught up with us and joined in. Me and Rainbow Dash didn’t have too much in common, but we were still able to have a nice conversation which was certainly a nice change from just watching.

Yes, enjoy the conversation between Mary-Sue and Rainbow Dash. Enjoy their conversation, guys. See how their words connect with one another, giving us a deeper understanding of the characters. Enjoy it to your heart’s content.

So, Mary-Sue enjoys the party… I guess… and starts talking to Twilight. When suddenly who should appear…

Trixie!

Mary-Sue, Twilight and Rainbow Dash approach Trixie and ask her why she is here.

“Why, Trixie is simply here because Trixie is HOMELESS!” Trixie responded sarcastically.

Wait… so, she doesn’t need a home? There’s a difference between responding snarky and responding sarcastically. Guess what? You picked the wrong one! Good for you!

Twilight shook herself out of a daze from hearing something she hadn’t thought of first from a human and whispered to me, “Don’t bother talking with her, William. She can’t be trusted at all.”

What the flipping hell?! Did we forget that Trixie was under mind control from the alicorn amulet and that she has basically reformed her ways asking forgiveness from Twilight?! Even if you don’t count Equestria Girls as canon, the fucking episode Magic Duel is still canon, you twit!

The episode aired on December 1st of 2012. This chapter was written a whole year later! And on top of that, you said that Twilight has her wings at this point! So, why the fucking hell does that episode not have any relevance to what is going on here?! Did Twilight just forget that Trixie was under mind control from the alicorn amulet or something?!

I wonder what other important things she’ll forget. Maybe that Discord is on their side, or that Babs Seed is an unofficial Cutie Mark Crusader, or hell, why don’t we go all the way and make her forget that she’s a princess now.

There’s a thing called your brain… try using it!

So, Mary-Sue tries to explain that Trixie is simply misunderstood, even though Twilight and her friends should already know that, but hey, we need to make Twilight and every other character in the story look bad, even though it makes no fucking sense, so we can make Trixie and Mary Sue look good! That’s good storytelling for you!

Trixie wants to take Mary-Sue away and Twilight and Rainbow Dash are unrealistically overprotective of him. To which Mary-Sue snaps at them.

7: Inability to be wrong and other characters (except for the love interest) inability to be correct unless it is siding with the character.

“You gals have showed me a good time and I had fun tonight, so thank you, but I’m going to go with Trixie.”

What good time?! You haven’t done anything?! All we’ve seen you do is yell at them for no good reason! And what do you mean ‘good time’?! Did you have pony sex with them or something?! It’s the only thing missing from this Mary-Sue story!

It was so quiet between me and Trixie that it was almost painful.

Now, you know what I’m going through by reading this.

So, they make their way to the Neverfree Forest.

No… that’s not a typo. They make their way to the Neverfree Forest.

… … … Look… I’m not opposed to creating new places for Equestria. Sometimes you need to make places that haven’t be introduced yet. I get that. But… this… is the most unimaginative thing I have ever seen. Seriously? The Neverfree Forest? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you out of your mind with stupid? That is the single dumbest thing I have ever… No, that’s the single dumbest thing, period. The pinnacle of stupid. There are no other words that you can use to describe out uncreative this is!

And what is the Neverfree Forest? Well, I’ll let the author explain…

I know you probably don’t know what the Neverfree Forest is, and I didn’t either. It just pops up on you. At one moment we were walking in cold frosty darkness and the next moment, there’s sunlight beating down on us through the branches of healthy green-leafed apple trees. It was like walking from one season to the next. Trixie could notice my reaction to it so she explained that the Neverfree Forest was the opposite of the Everfree Forest.

Well, assuming that you didn’t click on the back button to read something else, we see that Mary-Sue went with Trixie because he wants to make her a better pony. Because clearly that is something that Twilight Sparkle and her friends are incapable of doing, except for one, slight problem…

THEY DID IT IN THE FUCKING SHOW, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I know I’m dwelling, but the fact that he had to state that

Believe me, I am a HUGE fan of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Bigger than the majority of people I know who watch the show.

But, clearly he isn’t, because he doesn’t even know or respect what the source material has set up for him! The characters act like the author doesn’t give a shit about it and wants to manipulate the characters to his own ends! It goes back to the tools thing!

The only purpose for any character to be in this story is to get the author what he wants! And that’s Trixie sweet ass!

That’s it, people! That’s the whole damn story! But there’s a lot more stupid that I can comment on, so let’s just move on!

So, Trixie decides to show Mary-Sue a doorway that leads to a labyrinth, which she created. Yeah… she created a labyrinth for herself, but has no way of making an actually home or place to stay… What?

So, they hear a creature coming for them (which is never explained or revealed and plays no significance to the story, but hey the author doesn’t care so why should I?) and Mary-Sue and Trixie find themselves trapped inside.

She was crying uncontrollably. “No! This maze is supposed to be unescapable! We’re gonna die in here!”

Wait, you made a maze that you couldn’t escape? You built the god-damn maze, Trixie! How the fucking hell can you not get out of it?! You designed the damn thing! You have to know all of its secrets!

And for that matter, why the hell were you showing Mary-Sue your maze anyway?! Were you planning to lock him in it for all eternity?! Did everypony in this world take stupid pills when they woke up this morning or was that just the writer?!

Urgh… My brain is starting to hurt. I think this story is giving me a brain tumor.

So, Trixie guides Mary-Sue through the maze (which is what I just ranted about) and Mary-Sue sees the triangle insignia from Assassin’s Creed. He then goes on about how he loves Assassin’s Creed and how everything about it is sweet and… What the fucking hell does this have to do with the fucking plot?!

Youtube Video

So, Mary-Sue figures out the riddle to get one of the keys, because he’s so god-damn special he can just do that. And they are on their way to getting out of the maze. Also, Trixie designed the maze herself! How can she not know the answers to the fucking riddles when she made the damn things herself?!

Night falls and Trixie and Mary-Sue start to discuss their options. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Mary-Sue story without our Mary-Sue instantly relating to Trixie’s problems even though they clearly don’t make any sense and just comes out of nowhere and is never fully developed.

How bad is it? Well, let’s dig into it a little bit to find out.

“And it isn’t fun, not at all. I have anxiety because I spent the majority of grade school days alone.”

Ah, yes. Your grade school days that we never see, are never reminded of, or are never mentioned again. And in no way do we see how they shape you. We are told about them, but we never actually see that. Yes, indeed those days were truly difficult for you because you told us that it was and no reason else.

“I constantly made an ass of myself in front of everyone and that’s why nobody was ever with me, really.

Ah, yes. Indeed you making an ass of yourself has truly shown its colors in this story when you… um… you… Saved Trixie from a monster? No, that can’t be it. Um… Read through Twilight’s library? No, that’s not it either. Um… Had pony sex with Twilight and Rainbow Dash?... I’m sorry… what kind of humiliating things did you do again?

“That’s why we all need at least one good friend by our side. Being alone is actually REALLY unhealthy, too.

Hm… you seem to be a tad confused. As I recall in the first chapter of the story, you called out to your friends, who just to reiterate are not really your friends and leave you totally alone, to come and help you. Now, most of you would think that this is stupid because if they aren’t your friends then why would you call them out of everyone you know to help you, but what you fail to realize is that I am using my scarf as a means of which to hang myself. And that makes it all better.

So, of course, Trixie buys this bullshit and they spend the night cuddling together.

Morning finally comes and Mary-Sue starts his morning routine.

My morning routine is mundane, so I’m not gonna bother explaining that in detail.

… Then why the fuck did you even bring it up? What was the point?! Why would you even mention that if you aren’t going to bother on exploring on it?! It’s pointless!

Wait, I take that back, if he started explaining it, it would just make the story that much longer, so I’ll take what I can get.

I began to let my mind wander… sure enough it wandered to the darker subjects on my mind like, what would become of my human friends? What are they doing now?

Ah, yes. The human friends that you supposedly don’t have. You keep switching back and forth between either you have friends or you don’t have friends! Make up your fucking mind! I’ve seen games of pong that don’t go back and forth as much as you!

What became of my physical being in the human world?

What?! What do you mean happened to your physical being in the human world?! Are you not your physical being here?! Are you in a dream?! Is this some kind of fantasy your mind made up?! If so, why do you care about what is happening?! It’s not real! None of the characters are real! The maze isn’t real! So why the flying fuck do you give a damn?!

What if I were to meet my OC Reaper here?

Oh and here’s a good joke. His OC’s are so great and so well-rounded characters, that he is under the delusion that his characters are good enough to be considered canon. Fucking ridiculous! A three year old could develop a better character than you! And she would most likely just make a copy of Twilight Sparkle and stick her own name on it!

That’s how bland, boring, and unoriginal your character is! And I very much doubt Reaper is going to be anything different!

“Morning,” she uttered softly. It was unlike her to talk so… lightly. Was she… nah! That’s something that would happen in a bad fanfiction!

Ha, ha, ha! That’s funny because this is a bad fanfiction! Oh, that’s beautiful. That’s the best line in this story. And it’s only because the author finally realized he was writing shit, so he decided to say, “Screw you guys. I’m writing shit.”

Well, that or he's believes that if he says he's writing a bad story, that automatically makes it not a bad story. Yeah, that doesn't work that way.

So, Mary-Sue tells Trixie everything about his life and thankfully the author is too lazy to go into depth into this conversation, so we never learn about him, giving us a sense of connection to him. That’s so freaking awesome. I’m so glad that Trixie knows everything about him and not the audience, who is probably who you want to hear his life story, but after making your character so uninvesting and so uninteresting that there is no one left to read it. Great writing!

So, they continue to make it through the maze when they come across another trial. But Trixie says she didn’t place it.

And Mary-Sue finds a message that is the lyrics to Prayer to a Refugee, because the author has clearly run out of ideas and wants to fill up this story with as much padding as possible. This wouldn’t be so bad if it gave us insight into the characters and the story, but nope. All it does is remind me that I could be spending my time doing something more entertaining.

And apparently, the song is so touching and so powerful that it actually makes Trixie start crying…

Wow… I like Rise against, but… wow… That is pushing the stupid meter to about 11. Wow. I’m glad that Trixie has an emotional connection to a song in the human world and not the actually CHARACTER SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FALLING IN LOVE WITH!

He then has a panic attack, but eventually calms down. When Trixie asks him why he was having a panic attack, Mary-Sue explains…

“I just have… so many questions,”

Like?

“The only reason I have them is because I was put under a lot of mental distress all at once a few months ago…

Okay, that’s all well and good, but what kind of questions do you have?

I had a HUGE panic attack. I’ve started having smaller ones regularly whenever I get worried about something.

Yeah, I gathered, but what is bothering you that would cause you to have a panic attack?

They’re normally pretty small, but that one was big.”

Forget it, I don’t fucking care anymore.

They come across another trail where they have to solve a riddle. And here’s something great for you. The answer to the riddle is panic attacks.

…

Starting to see why this is worse?

Everything … Everything in this story revolves around this character! The trails are all specially designed to make sure that only Mary-Sue can figure them out! Because he is so great and wonderful and everything about him should be loved!

That is exactly the opposite of what a good story does! A good story takes a character and puts them in a situation that can overwhelm them or they don’t have the talents or abilities to succeed and its them adapting through trial and error to find a way to overcome the challenges. It’s learning new skills to overcome the trail. Turning weaknesses into strengths, being creative with what talents you can use. This story never does that. This story just puts the character in a situation where no matter what he does or what he says, he’s never wrong and is never challenge by anything.

That is not interesting. That’s not investing. It’s just fantasy fulfillment. For all his talk of ‘trial and error’, there doesn’t seem to be much of that going on. It just seems a lot of ‘error’ is going on. … Hey, that’s still better than every single joke in this story.

So, we come to another trail and is basically glanced over with Mary-Sue’s wave of his pinkie and they get another key.

They decided to make camp for the night and of course, Mary-Sue gets Trixie ass. Wow, you are really pushing the envelope on creativity. Next you’ll be telling me that he dies in her arms (forelegs, but whatever). It wouldn’t be any more far ‘fetched than anything else you’ve written.

15 minutes. Well, that’s enough for a romantic interest. 15 minutes together and they are already cuddling. I give it 5 minutes before they start having sex. Now some of you might think that this is incredibly stupid and forced since relationships don’t work that way, but what you fail to realize is I’m holding a knife to my forearms and that makes it all better.

We then get an author’s note and this is a great author’s note! Are you ready for it? Because this author’s note going to totally blow your fucking mind! Are you ready? You ready?

As short of a story as it is, it still reflects a lot on who I am and gives you an insight on my stupidity and intelligence (in their rightful places, of course) as well as how I relate to some of the characters in the show and a little of my own backstory.

… … … … Actually… no. No, it doesn’t. First off, name one time you have actually been stupid. That’s right! You can’t! There has never been one move where it clearly said, you made the wrong choice! Every time you make a choice you choose the right one! There is no challenge to you! There is no depth to you! I would get more depth from a paperclip than I would you!

Second, you never show off anything resembling intelligence. Instead, you make pop culture references and bad jokes. You show everything about what you like or what is relevant to your life, distancing everything around you as unimportant. Everything that doesn’t pertain to you is not important and is uninteresting and has no place in the world.

Third, you never actually show any of your backstory to us! Yeah, you TELL us what your backstory is, but you never actually show these events! You never actually describe them to us! You never once tell us why we should give a rat’s ass about your problems except for “I’m the author and you better believe what I say.” That’s not good writing!

Oh, and take a gander at this…

Yes, this is entirely self-insert, the name, the backstory, the friends, the panic attacks, the peanut, the Patrick (the references from SpongeBob that I make because of Soundspeed).

… Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am not opposed to self-insert in fan fiction or storytelling.

… Hear me out.

I am not opposed to it as long as it is done well and it is done right. I am under the belief that any story can work if it is done right. If it is done for the right reason. But this! This is a fucking joke. That’s all this story is to its author! A joke. Never once caring about the source material. Never once caring about the characters. Never investing his time and effort into making the story. And if the author doesn’t care about it, why should the audience care about it?

So, anyway…

They get to the great door where they start putting in the keys to get out of the labyrinth. When suddenly, he has another panic attack.

But Trixie is able to calm him down by confessing her love to him. I would say that this is stupid sense the audience can’t relate with this decision, but I’ve frankly given up and now I’m going to finish this story, so I can drown myself in something.

They finally find the next key and get out of the labyrinth. Twilight and Rainbow Dash attack the two, for no damn reason and end up killing Mary-Sue.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash, despite you two being completely out of character, you are now my favorite characters in the show!

But it turns out that it was all a dream this whole time as he wakes up in a hospital room.

I think we all know what kind of rating this fic deserves…

This is one of the hardest stories I’ve ever had to read. And that’s a feat. Believe me, that is a spectacular feat.

The characters are bland, boring, stale and the repeated Mary-Sue story that I’ve read a million times in the past. There is nothing to distinguish this character from every other character. There is nothing that makes him unique, nothing that makes me convinced that this person would be at all interesting in real life. If I had to judge this person just on the details in this story, he would probably be the more boring, uninteresting person in the world, who talks about nothing, but how great he is.

The plot is a joke, with plot holes the size of Mount Rushmore. You could literally take years to climb the damn plot holes this thing generates and never get anywhere.

Some of the things that are mentioned are a waste of our time. The pop culture references, the unnecessary OC mentioning, the labyrinth, all a big fucking waste.

The descriptions, at some points I admit, were decent at best. But for every decent description in the story, we have 100 more that was just lazy, uninteresting and an overall bore to sit through.

This is the absolute worst human in Equestria story I have ever read. Why? Because the author didn’t care. He just threw it together. Didn’t give a shit! Didn’t care and you can’t do that when writing a story! You have to invest something! This comes especially sad because this is a self-insert! The author can’t even keep himself interesting with his own life story! That’s how boring this person really is! And if the author can’t even care about his own life, why should the audience?!

Fuck this story!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go meet with Al cohol, because that is what this story makes you want to do. Have a great day guys!

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The grand castle of Unicornicopia towered high above the city below as if it was Olympus itself, looking down upon the earth as if they were above such concerns. But the Grand Ruler was not above such concerns. For his kingdom love him as he did his kingdom. They would sing his praises of how he was a benevolent ruler and how he taught them to believe.

That was the strength of this country. This world. This dimension. Their beliefs. That was their strength and that was allowed them to overcome such dangers in the past.

But now, an even greater threat had been issued for him and his people. Nay, the entire multiverse of which he and several others called home. They were attack and humiliated by this one pony, who would dare question their reason to exist. Who’s rage has burned several who simply wished to live peaceful lives.

But he couldn’t allow it. This “Critique” had placed himself over others, like he was some intelligent messiah, who could do no wrong and could never be challenged. The Grand Ruler aimed to prove him wrong. He could be challenged. And more importantly, he could be defeated. His followers would be avenged.

“My Grand Ruler,” Lightning’s voice came from behind him. The Grand Ruler turned to him and smiled. “I am ready to accept my mission.”

The Grand Ruler nodded and made his way to his student’s side. “My faithful pupil, do not fail your country.” Lightning looked up to him with his eye widened. “Our future. All futures depend on your success.”

Lighting looked down to the ground. The Grand Ruler knew it was a lot to put on his young apprentice, but Lightning could not fail his mission. He had to know the severity of their mission and what kind of danger the Critique proved to be.

There was a moment of stillness between them, as if Lightning took a moment to consider his actions. He looked up to his master and finally nodded. “I understand. I will not fail you.”

The Grand Ruler nodded and smiled. “Then go. And remember to always believe.”

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Hey, guys. After much coercing by my computer, I have decided to give my thoughts on Amazing Spider-Man 2. This will be spoiler free so feel free to read it if you haven’t seen the movie.

Honestly, this was a very confusing movie to judge. It was very difficult for me to say whether I liked it or not. I think I liked it. I know that’s very confusing, but there is just so much that I either liked or I really didn’t like.

At first when the movie starts, I started thinking “Yeah, this is going to be an awesome Spider-Man movie” but as the movie went on, it just dragged on forever and ever. It felt so damn cluttered because there were so many things that needed to be explained or so many plots going on in the story. It was cluttered because of too much plot. Not because of the villains, there was still one central villain in the story. There was just too much damn plot that it took away from the fact that, I just wanted a good Spider-Man story told.

This movie delivered on the action. When Spider-Man is doing everything you’d expect him to do, that was really cool. It was everything that I wanted him to do. He was funny, he was serious, he was badass, he was a dork. He was everything Spider-Man should be. Andrew Garfield did such an amazing job as Peter Parker. I know some of you are probably loyal to Tobey Maguire and he definitely looks the part of Peter Parker, but he never felt like Peter to me.

And to be fair, even when Amazing Spider-Man 1 came out, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Andrew playing Spider-Man. But this movie convinced me otherwise. I felt Andrew Garfield was a great choice.

Emma Stone, once again, a great Gwen Stacy. A very great choice to play her. I loved the interaction between her and Peter. It felt like they had so much chemistry together and they interacted well and … It just felt like one of the few times in superhero movies that, the love story felt natural. It just felt real and it felt right. They had so much chemistry together and I loved that. And as the character, I fucking loved her.

Sally Field as Aunt May. I fucking love this woman! She has so much energy and is so funny and brings so much emotion into this. I fucking love this woman as Aunt May! The interactions between her and Peter are just so great and so real and I believe every second of it. They act just like an overprotective mother and a kid who wants to try and do things on his own with the added twist that he’s secretly a superhero. And the interactions between the two are so very good and I loved every second the two were on screen together.

Jamie Foxx as Electro. I’ll admit for a long time, I thought this was a terrible casting choice. But… when I saw the movie, he actually did a pretty good job. I know there’s not a lot to Electro’s character, but in the movie, it was pretty well done.

Dean Deehan as Harry Osborn. He was great. The casting was great. It was fantastic.

However, the story is where it starts to fall apart a little bit. Like I said, it dragged on and on for like more than half the movie. Everything is being explained and foreshadowed to you of what is going to happen. It’s basically all just set up for the next film. I can’t go into detail without spoiling anything and that makes this a really hard film to talk about.

If you’re a Spider-Man fan or have read any of the comics, you will kind of be able to figure out a lot of the plot points and maybe they will piss you off and maybe they won’t. But if you’re just a casual viewer, I don’t want to say you won’t enjoy it, because there is something to be enjoyed, but you will be overwhelmed because there is so much stuff they are throwing at you.

And to be honest, I … liked the movie, a little bit. There was a lot that kept me from loving it. The overabundance of plot points that are introduced, the fact that everything is exposition and that they are trying to fit everything in this 2 hour and a half movie and it can’t work that way.

But there are things that do salvage it. Spider-Man is a smartass again. Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy’s relationship is great. Peter Parker and Aunt May’s relationship was great. Andrew was great. Emma Stone was great. The action was great. There was just so much that I loved or that I hated and it just juggles between that.

So, overall… there is something to enjoy in this movie. If you are looking for an action film, you’ll probably, maybe enjoy it, a little. If you are a fan of the comics, I think there is enough fan service to get you through it and you can say “Yeah, it was a fun film.”

And honestly, it was fun and I’m glad I did see it, but it wasn’t the best Spider-Man film out there. Spider-Man 2 is still the best, which is really too bad, because I wanted this one to be the Spider-Man film of all Spider-Man films, but we still don’t have that yet.

That’s my review. Let me know what you think of Amazing Spider-Man 2. Take care. :pinkiehappy:

Unlikely Allies

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

After the introduction of Trixie in the series, there has been a lot of speculation at what the relationship between her and Twilight would be.

Some would claim them to be future friends since they have similarities. They are both unicorns and are both passionate about magic. Some would claim they would be sworn enemies, with Trixie using her magic for fame and Twilight using her magic for more selfless reasons.  Others would claim that they would be lovers. … Wrong. Just… Wrong.

Personally, I see them more as rivals. They aren’t really friends, but they will work together if they need to. That said they don’t always get along and that can make for some interesting stories. This theory gets further merit thanks to the episode Magic Duel, in which Twilight ends up making Trixie a friend. Not a great friend, but is able to at least forgive her for the crap she does in that story.

And that’s kind of where today’s story goes. Sort of… You’ll see when we get there. Believe me, it’s a roller coaster ride. So, let’s dig into Unlikely Allies by Thunder Tempest and see if Twilight and Trixie can put aside their differences for something other than sex.

Again, if you haven’t read this story yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

We start our story in Ponyville where Twilight is singing about the wonderful day that is about to happen, when suddenly she is tackled to the ground by Trixie.

Well, that sure didn’t take long. Alright, let’s get this clop fic started.

Okay, I kid, what actually happens is that Trixie arrives and ask Twilight for some help in saving Equestria. Twilight is at first suspicious, rightfully so since Trixie grabs you by your tail and drags you out of town, but Twilight eventually does agree to go with Trixie to see if they can solve whatever problem Trixie is worried about.

So Trixie and Twilight travel for… three days?! Wait, and Twilight never once asked what kind of problem they are dealing with?! Okay, Twilight says that she admits that Trixie didn’t tell her, but come on! Three days and you are just going to buy whatever Trixie says! I know it’s for the good of Equestria (so, Trixie says anyway), but I’d think after the first day, I’d be demanding some serious explanations! I guess, Twilight is just too stupid to think that.

Anyway, Trixie gives Twilight a cape and tells her to cover up her wings, so that whatever they are supposed to do will think Twilight is a unicorn instead of an alicorn. And as we will see, it makes no sense.

Twilight sends a message back to Spike at the library.

‘Gone to save Equestria with Trixie. Also gone to save Equestria from Trixie. Be back next week. Twilight Sparkle.’

Wait, how do you know it will be a week? And for that matter, wouldn’t you rather tell Celestia to follow you or give you some kind of backup? You said yourself that Trixie is not that trustworthy.

So, they make their way to some dark castle where it is revealed why they are here. Trixie explains that the castle belongs to Lord Umbra and they are here to defeat him. Why? … Yeah, that’s not really explained.

And Twilight buys this rather easily. She doesn’t even ask Trixie why she wants this Lord Umbra taken down or even what he has done to deserve it. How are we supposed to relate to Twilight choice here if we aren’t given a reason as to why she should waste her time with this?

For that matter, why should we agree with any of Twilight’s choices or Trixie’s motivations? We know nothing about either situation. Twilight doesn’t ask the questions that she should be asking, in order to find out more about what is going on. I thought Twilight prided herself on her intellect and knowledge. Why would she not ask questions referring to a situation she knows nothing about?

And what about Trixie? What’s her motivation for bringing Twilight along? Why is she after Lord Umbra? Why all the secrecy?

Neither character’s choices are relatable or make any sense.

So they make their way inside and start to bicker back and forth between each other. I can understand Trixie because she is kind of a show off, but I would think Twilight would focus on the task at hand (hoof in this case) or more importantly, why the hell she is there to begin with?!

“There are other ways of being invisible, Sparkle,” shot back Trixie.

Indeed. A magic invisible Kangaroo will do just fine.

“And I suppose you’re as familiar with them as you are, say, breaking into ponies’ houses and breaking the law?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie never technically committed a crime, Sparkle. She was simply very persuasive.”

Yeah, technically you did. As far as I know, slavery and oppression are abolished in Equestria. And even if you don’t count those, terrorism certainly is!

And don’t give me this crap about the Alicorn Amulet did some mind control. That never happened. Trixie was rotten before that. Maybe not as rotten, but certainly rotten.

“how did you even get into Celestia’s school in the first place? They don’t accept anypony with a previous criminal record.”

Wait, so Trixie had a criminal record before she met Twilight? Before she learned school magic? So she was a criminal at Twilight’s age when she started school? That she’s got a juvenile record? I got to say that’s a little hard to swallow. I mean, I know she was kind of a show off, but there was nothing to indicate that she might have done this when she was young. And look at that cute little filly.

Does that look like the face of a juvenile delinquent? … Don’t say yes.

They start to travel through the castle and they continue to bicker back and forth.

“I still think that you’re going to get us caught in...whatever this is, Trixie. You don’t even have a basic ‘Don’t Notice Me’ spell on you!”

“Trixie has done this before, Sparkle.”

“Yes, illegally,” said Twilight, and Trixie sighed.

Wait… how do you cast spells illegally? Unless, you are referring to her criminal record, that is never explained or explored upon! Unless you count the time she enslaved Ponyville, but even then where does the ‘Don’t Notice Me’ spell fit in! All she did was boast about her wanting to be noticed! You keep teasing us with her criminal record, but based on what I’m seeing, it doesn’t add up! If there is something you’ve added, explore upon it!

“At least I have previous skills that are applicable to this situation, Sparkle. Have you never had to creep into a villain’s hideout to disable his evil master plan before, brickhorn?”

“Have you?”

Yes, you have Twilight! Remember Sombra?! I know a lot of fans didn’t like him, but come on, he’s not that forgettable! God, he attacked your sister in law and your brother and you don’t even remember him! Maybe he is the worst MLP villain ever created.

Tell you what, you get more than 5 lines in two episodes and I’ll call you the best villain in all of fiction.

So we get some insight into Trixie learning about Twilight apparently growing a little more snarky and sarcastic attitude. Because I’m sure that proves important to the plot and not just a convenient way for Twilight to argue pointlessly with Trixie, instead of focusing on her task like she probably should.

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Anyway, they move through the castle and finally something happens. One of the pipes in the castle ruptures and causes a flood in the hallway. They are swept up in it and Trixie learns an important fact

‘Huh,’ she thought, ‘Who knew alicorns weigh a lot more than normal ponies?’

I hope you all caught that. That is the very important fact and is very crucial to the story. The most crucial element of the whole story. The story would fall apart without this single world changing fact.

The water pushes them outside the tower, effectively putting them right back where we started, making their whole trip inside the tower completely pointless since we still don’t know anything about Lord Umbra and know nothing about why Trixie wants to defeat him.

We only know that Lord Umbra wants to destroy/conquer Equestria for some reason that is never fully explained and that Trixie has a criminal record which is also never explained.

Wow, we are learnding lots today.

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They then get attacked by a couple of beasts. What kind of beasts you might ask?

Why this kind!

Wait, that’s not the one… How about this one?

No… No… that doesn’t seem right either… Um… Oh, I know. This one!

Yes, that is definitely the one! That is definitely it!

No, he actually does give as a description of the thing… Two paragraphs later, but that’s more effort than has actually shown up so far.

Indeed, the creatures stalking around the courtyard were a combination of lion, eagle and what looked like a wolf for a head, with red eyes that glowed like hot metal pulled form a fire, and this glow was evident all down the creature’s bodies, seemingly tracing along the surface veins, making it seem like the creatures had been glued together with magic, rather than being one single entity.

I now know Lord Umbra’s evil plan! He is making fan made Pokemon! Pokemon with three types! He won’t get away with this!

So, Twilight quickly casts an invisibility spell to conceal them, but as they make their way to sneak around the creature, Twilight’s spell conveniently dissipates for no reason.

Oh, Twilight. You stupid unicorn. You clearly have no idea how to use magic, even though you have clearly demonstrated on multiple occasions that you are one of the most powerful unicorns in all of Equestria and have mastered spells that are probably far more complex than an invisibility spell. You are such a stupid unicorn.

We then get to meet Lord Umbra, who, it turns out, is bored with Princess Celestia’s peaceful rule. Yep… That’s it. That’s the backstory of our villain. He decided to become a super villain, because he was fucking bored. He just woke up one day and said, “Here’s an idea. Me as a super villain! I’ll have an evil layer and an arch-nemesis and it’ll be so much fun!”

He is said to have research forbidden magic of Tartarus (something that we never see) and even built a Fortress of Darkness for himself that is completely impenetrable. And just how impenetrable is it? Why it is so impenetrable that two unicorns can easily make their way through it just by teleporting in!

Wait…

It should be noted at this point that Lord Umbra is a bit delusional.

Thank you for telling us that he is delusional. It’s not like you can actually show him being delusional and that actually would convince us to think, “Hmm… clearly this individual is delusional.” Nope, we just have to take your word for it.

His servant comes up to him and delivers the bad news.

“Lord Umbra,” began the pony with a stutter, “we seem to have a problem. It seems that two unicorns have managed to infiltrate the Fortress of Darkness.”

Lord Umbra: What?! You mean that they infiltrated my impenetrable fortress?! I specifically asked for the impenetrable fortress package! It was Bowser recommended!

“Minion, I need the Box of Darkness!”

Lord Umbra: You know, because I’m evil I have a Box of Darkness. And don’t forget about the Dresser of Despair that has my Alarm Clock of Death! Oh, and make sure you get Destroyer, the Malevolent Teddy Bear!

Those eyes will steal your soul!

Yeah, if you haven’t guessed by now, Umbra’s just kind of a joke villain. He’s not threatening and is incompetent and over all just kind of annoying. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was actually funny, but he’s just not all that entertaining.

He finds the two unicorns (even though Twilight is an alicorn at this point, but whatever) arguing over Starswirl the Bearded and whether or not he was a great magic weaver or some crap like that.

After his minions get beaten, he orders his servant to send Cerberus at them.

Meanwhile, Trixie and Twilight still focus on arguing rather than trying to figure out what is going on. Umbra attacks them with his powerful Cerberus and a Tatzlwurm (not that we are actually told that. I had to look up the freaking name), which Twilight and Trixie take out rather easily, making it completely underwhelming.

Then Lord Umbra casts a spell that knocks out both Twilight and Trixie in one blast. … Let me see if I got this straight… Twilight and Trixie, who just manage to wipe out an army of Chimera things, who manage to beat a Cerberus and Tatzlwurm with no challenge whatsoever… and you expect me to believe that this… Lord Umbra, whoever the fuck he is, is able to knock them both out without breaking a sweat.

Are you fucking kidding me?! There’s “Your villain is badass” and then there is “Completely contrived storytelling!”

I’m sorry, but I have a hard time buying this! You can’t just introduce a character out of nowhere, give him no backstory and then tell us that he is powerful enough to take out Twilight and Trixie with no rhyme or reason! Especially if it is forced like in this story! Yes, he’s studied Tartarus magic, but Twilight has studied Starswirl the Bearded’s spells! Hell, she made her own spell! How did this guy take her out without breaking a sweat?!

Anyway, they wake up in captivity and Lord Umbra places a magic suppressor around Twilight and Trixie’s horn, making their magic completely useless.

However, we soon discover that because Twilight is an alicorn, she can still use her magic, because the magic suppressor is only useful against unicorns.

Now, some of you might think that this is INCREDIBLY contrived and that it doesn’t make a lick of sense, since I don’t think transforming somepony into an alicorn completely changes their magical structure. And some of you might think that this is an incredibly forced way to get them out of this situation instead of actually using their brains to get out of this mess and therefore not being all that dramatic but actually really anti-climatic

And some of you might think that, it was incredibly FORCED that Trixie gave Twilight a cape, not knowing that Lord Umbra would have magical suppressors that only worked on unicorns and not alicorns and since the cape proved to be absolutely useless except up to this point, in which it was EXTREMELY convenient that Twilight had it and that Umbra didn’t look underneath the cape at any point while he was moving them to his prison cell and that the wings under no circumstances were exposed in anyway while Twilight was unconscious.

And… you’d be right on the money.

Twilight tries to remove Trixie’s magical suppressor, but it turns out it can only be removed by the pony who put it there. That’s not forced at all! So, Trixie digs into her hat and pulls out a couple of lock picks to get themselves out of the situation, even though Twilight could easily break them out of the chains with her magic.

And here is the number 1 problem with this story. This story is all just one big love letter to Trixie. Trixie is smart! Trixie is great! Trixie is the best! All bow down to Trixie! Everything about this story is to make Trixie look good! And it does that by making Twilight Sparkle look incompetent!

Twilight isn’t the one who discovers Umbra. That’s Trixie. Twilight isn’t the one who finds her way into Umbra’s lair. That’s Trixie. Twilight’s spell fails when it is convenient for the enemy. Not Trixie’s. Twilight isn’t the one who gets them out of the chains, even though Twilight could easily get them out. It’s Trixie! It’s not Trixie admitting that Twilight is helpful. It’s Twilight admitting that Trixie is better than her!

You kind of see the problem with this story?! God, this is twice in a row that we’ve had love letters to Trixie! I know she’s a popular character, but Jesus Christ people!

Anyway, the escape the chains and make their way deeper into the lair of Lord Umbra, so they can force him to free Trixie, so she can save the day. Oh, I’m sorry. The Great and Powerful Trixie!

They make their way to his room where they find Minion.

Yeah, that really limits the job choices for that kid, doesn’t it? Seriously, who names their kid Minion? Are you just asking them to join up with an evil mastermind?!

Minion tells them that he no longer works for Lord Umbra… for vaguely explained reasons… and manages to release the locks off of Twilight… Oh I’m sorry, The Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle and the Great and Powerful Trixie.

We cut to Lord Umbra who is going over his goals of taking over Equestria.

“Maybe that everypony should only eat asparagus for lunch? Or perhaps that each town must have a temple to me? So many choices,” muttered the unicorn to himself, “Or maybe both? Or maybe a temple to asparagus...yes. They can eat asparagus and proclaim their love for me, their Overlord.”

And every Friday shall be funny hat day! I’m so evil!

But he is interrupted by a pair of voices coming from the hallway, arguing about how the Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle got her wings. Apparently, the Great and Powerful Trixie and the Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle are Total Fucking Morons!

They burst into the room and find out that Lord Umbra is readying his plan to take over Equestria and they start laughing after it is revealed that Umbra is suffering from Napoleon Complex.

“This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. He’s more pathetic than you were, Trixie!” said Twilight, once she could speak again.

Oh, that is so like Twilight Sparkle. Insulting others who are weaker than her. You are so in character there, Twilight.

Say, you know what else is in character for her? Making fun of Fluttershy! Yeah, because clearly Twilight cares nothing for Fluttershy!

I mean Twilight would totally say how useless and weak and helpless and stupid Fluttershy is!

Hey, how about we have Twilight make fun of Applejack next?! That’s completely in her character!

Yeah, Twilight doesn’t give a fuck about Applejack. After all, Applejack’s just a stupid apple pony, right? And Twilight surely knows that! Hell, I’m surprised Twilight hasn’t kicked her out of the friendship ring yet!

Hey, you know what else would be totally in character with Twilight?! Making fun of Spike, of course!

I mean, pfft, they are ONLY an inseparable team! Twilight has ONLY raised him from birth! Spike has ONLY show his loyalty by risking his life by going to a world with only humans and a chance that he’ll never come home again. But… other than that, yeah, Spike isn’t worth shit…

Have I made my point yet?

Anyway, they attack Lord Umbra and manage to defeat him. Again, I ask how did Umbra beat them the first time?!

They take Umbra to Canterlot with the two bickering that if Trixie was an alicorn that Trixie would win and that Twilight is cheating and Trixie is so much better than Twilight, because she is Great and Powerful and Blah, fucking blah!

This story sucks! It’s certainly better than some others I’ve reviewed, but dear lord is it littered with problems.

The descriptions are weak at best. The fight scenes are decent, but everything else leaves something to be desired. We never get to see what the castle looks like, even though we spend the whole fucking story inside it!

The plot is completely contrived to make Trixie look good, even though it makes no sense! For example, how in the world did Trixie know about Umbra’s plan to rule Equestria, when nopony else knew about it and Trixie never explained how or why she knew about it?!

Why the hell did Trixie go to Twilight if she was more than capable of stopping his plan on her own?! Did she try and fail?! If so, that’s never explained!

Why did Trixie give Twilight a cape to disguise her as a unicorn?! That’s never made relevant until they are actually captured! And there is no way that Trixie could have known that Umbra not only possessed such magic suppression devices, but that they would only work on unicorns!

Why did Twilight wait so damn long to ask Trixie about Umbra and how she knew anything about it?!

What the hell was Umbra’s plan to take over Equestria?! We know he had one, but what did it involve?! What goals did he have?! How was he going to accomplish those goals?! How did he learn magic from Tartarus?! How did he get creatures from Tartarus to follow him?! Why was Minion working for him?! How did he get a castle for himself?! What the hell was in the Box of Darkness that made it so important?!

And worst of all, Twilight acts nothing like herself in the entire story! He changed Twilight from her kind self into this overly-competitive bitch! I could maybe see Rainbow Dash acting like this, but Twilight? Come fucking on! This story is a mess and I couldn’t find any enjoyment in it! It’s trying to be funny, but overall, it just doesn’t work because it is undermined by the author caring more about kissing Trixie’s ass than telling a good story. Have a great day guys.

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A knock came at the door. The Critique sighed as he rose from his spot on the ground. “The library is closed!” he shouted.

The knock came at the door again, as if insisting on him answering. The Critique rolled his eyes and made his way to the door. Jesus Christ, can’t a stallion get some peace and quiet around here?! He placed his hoof on the door and slowly opened it.

“I said the library is-!”

As soon as the door slid open, a white hoof collided with his face sending him stumbling to the ground. His jaw tingled as he hit the ground. He held his jaw as he turned his body around, looking up to his assailant. His blurred vision could make out a figure standing on two legs with a large golden horn at the top of his head.

The figure took a step towards him. “You are the Critique?”

The Critique shook his head, clearing his vision. He noticed that the figure in front of him was a pony, but it was standing on two legs. He had wings at his back, like an alicorn.

“What the hell?!” Critique shouted, rising to his feet. “What do you want?! Who the hell are you?!”

The figure tilted his head slightly upward. “I am Unicornicopia citizen AO01. My name is Lightning Dawn.” He pointed his hoof at the Critique. “And I have come to end your reign of terror.”

Critique took a step back. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

A voice came from the ceiling. “Sir, I am activating defensive measures.”

Critique glanced up at the ceiling with a smirk. “Relax, Computer. I’ve got this.”

“Sir-“

Critique glared at his opponent. “I said I got this.” Lightning took a step towards Critique and swung his hoof at his face. Critique ducked out of its path. Critique quickly countered with a swing of his hoof into Lightning’s chin.

Lightning simply replied by swing another blow at Critique, hitting him in the chin. Critique nearly toppled over, but was stopped by Lightning’s hooves as they grabbed his face. With a swift strike, Lightning drove his knee into the Critique’s chin.

Critique could feel a cold liquid come from his gums as his chin felt as if a mountain had rammed into it. It tingled his tongue as the taste of blood began to fill his mouth.  Before his body could react, he felt another hoof hit his chin, sending him straight to the ground.

His blurred vision was made worst by the sudden disappearance of his glasses. He traveled his mind, trying to discover at what point he lost them. However, he came up with no answers. Instead, he abandoned them and focused on his opponent who was sneaking up behind him.

With a sudden burst of speed, Critique delivered a swift buck to Lightning’s chest, causing him to stumble backwards.

As his opponent picked himself back up, Critique took the moment to glance around the floor, hoping to spot his glasses. The wooden planks on the floor looked as if they were merging together, with no clarity to them, almost like looking through a dirty window. Within a second, he found a pair of black oval objects strung together by what looked like black wiring.

He placed his hoof on the glasses. Before he could place them on his face, he looked up to see Lightning standing over him, his hoof preparing to attack.

However, just as Lightning’s hoof started to come down, a long gray arm appeared from the wall catching Lightning’s arm. Lightning struggled against his grunting as he pulled forward. Another arm appeared from the wall catching another one of Lightning’s limbs. Two more appeared from the wall, gripping Lightning’s legs.

He struggled against the mechanical arms as Critique placed his glasses over his eyes once more, clearing his vision. “I was handling it!” he shouted.

“Clearly,” Computer responded. “That’s why you are bleeding all over my nice, clean floor.”

Critique wiped the blood away from his lips and looked down to the ground to see spots of blood on the floor. He raised his eyebrow as he stood up to his feet. Critique gave a confident smile as a chuckle. “Not so tough when you’re restrained, huh?”

Lightning struggled against the mechanical arms, grunting violently with each jerky motion. Finally, he gave a deep breath as his horn started to glow. He let out a cry as the horn released a powerful wave of energy.

Critique’s eyes widened as he watched the mechanical arms shatter at the amount of force. The wave flew into the Critique’s body, sending him soaring across the room and into one of the bookshelves. He toppled to the ground as several books fell on top of him, burying him.

His body tingled as he attempted to move. Every movement he made felt as if a knife was being dug into his body. Every breath he took made it feel worse. He pulled himself out of the pile of books, looking up at his opponent. “What the hell was that?!”

“Unknown, sir,” Computer replied. “A powerful magical force coming from his horn. Very potent magic.”

Critique looked up to the ceiling, raising his eyebrow. “No shit.”

Lightning took a step forward. “You don’t stand a chance against the power of the Uniforce.”

Critique slowly picked himself up off the ground, taking in a deep breath. “What the hell do you want from me?”

Lightning flapped his wings and took to the air above Critique. “I have come to end your threat against my people.”

Critique shook his head. “Threat against your people?” He flailed his forelegs up to the air. “Dude, I don’t even know you!”

Lightning dove for the Critique with incredibly speed. Critique dove forward, avoiding Lightning’s attack. Critique lifted a book from the floor and tossed it at Lightning. Lightning blocked the oncoming book with his wing, covering his body.

Critique ran to the kitchen. “Computer, shut down all lights!”

With that, the lights in the library were shut down, leaving only darkened shapes. He made his way under the table at the center of the kitchen. “Computer, call the police! Tell them I’ve got a psychopath trying to kill me!”

“I’ve been trying, sir,” Computer replied.

Critique’s mouth dropped as his eyes widened. “What do you mean ‘you’ve been trying’?”

“Something is preventing me from sending any messages out of the building. Our signal is being jammed.”

Critique grunted in frustration as he heard hoof steps clicking against the wooden floor. “Hiding in the dark like a coward?” Lightning’s voice pierced through the darkness.

Critique curled up in a ball under the table, waiting for Lightning to unwittingly pass him. A hoof step was heard approaching him. Followed by another. Then another. Finally, the sound was only a few feet ahead of him. He could feel his heart racing inside his chest, thundering like a drum going 100 miles per hour.

The steps continued pass the table as if he didn’t suspect. Critique snuck out from under the table, carefully monitoring his movements, making sure that he didn’t make a sound. He felt around the floor, hoping that he would soon come upon the cabinets just across from him. He scurried quietly across the floor until he finally reached the cabinets.

He quietly opened them, feeling around inside for anything he might be able to use. He felt around, praying for a weapon. After a few seconds, he found something. A handle that curved out and straightened into a long point. He smiled as his mind came up with his plan to win this fight.

“Computer, turn on the lights!” Critique yelled as he rose to his feet, pulling out his weapon.

The lights flashed on as Critique pointed his ‘weapon’ at Lightning. The Critique’s sinister smile transformed into a disappointed frown as he pulled the trigger on the device he held in his hooves. Instead of spraying bullets, it spun the mixer whisks as if it was mixing invisible pancake batter.

There was a deafening silence as Lightning raised his eyebrow in confusion. Critique simply stood, his mind still comprehending what had happened. He blinked for several seconds. Then with all his might, he tossed the mixer at Lightning.

Lightning quickly blocked the mixer with his wing. Critique darted to the other room while his opponent was distracted.

But it was only for a moment.

Lightning appeared from the kitchen, cornering Critique back in the library. “I’ve had enough of these games!” Lightning revealed a small rod with the colors of the rainbow scattered throughout it. “Magic of the Rainbow, my faith burns bright! To vanquish the evil, in rainbow’s light!”

He pointed the rod at the Critique. “RAINBOW FORCE!” his voice echoed as if to be overdramatic anime style.

A beam of multicolored lights emerged from the rod, flying straight towards Critique. He raised his foreleg to his forehead and closed his eyes tightly. His mind raced as he could feel the beam brush against his body. A thundering noise came to his ears, like a sonic boom right at his eardrums. I’m dead! This is it! I’m dead!

He waited a few moments as the sound died down and the beam began to dissipate from his body. He opened his eyes to see his foreleg still in front of him. He looked down to his body and noted that his other foreleg was still attached. He checked behind him to see his hind legs still attached. A gleeful expression burst across his face. “I’m alive!” he shouted. “I’m alive!” He then frowned as he raised his eyebrow. “How am I alive?”

Lightning looked down to his rod, his mouth wide open. “How is this possible? The Rainbow Rod has to power to destroy any evil being?!”

Critique smiled and pointed at Lightning. “Ha, ha!”

Lightning glared at Critique as his horn started to glow. He tilted his head downward and fired a beam of light at Critique.

Critique yelped and ducked out of the beams path. The beam caused an explosion at it hit the wall behind him. Critique looked behind him to see a hole in the wall of the building. His heart started to sink as his thought of what that would do to his body if it hit him directly. His imagination pictured his head simply vanishing from his neck, as if it was never there to begin with. Sweat began to perspire from his face as he quickly dove for the other side of the room.

He shouted. “Computer, shut down the lights!”

Again, darkness concealed his movements as he entered another room. He waited until he heard the coming hoofsteps of Lightning. “You think you can hide from me?!”

Just as Critique predicted, Lightning marched up to the last place he saw him. Lightning entered the doorway and slowly approached the interior of the room. Critique clung close to the wall, trying to take a little space as possible in the tiny room. Critique felt Lightning slowly trot past him. With that, Critique made his move and dove out of the room with as much speed as he could muster.

“Hey!” Lightning shouted as he heard the Critique behind him. Critique quickly placed his hooves on the door and slammed it shut, locking it with Lightning still inside the small room. “Let me out!” Lightning cried as he tackled the door.

Critique wiped his brow and smiled. “Problem solved.”

“Sir, you locked him in a closet.”

Critique smiled and made his way to a small device on the ground. “Relax, Computer. I have the situation all under control.”

He flipped the device over and switched it on as a list of numbers appeared on the screen. He pressed the number 911 and held it up to his ear, but all he could hear was a long steady tone. “Damn, still nothing.”

“I did tell you, sir. Do you only listen to some of the things I say?” Critique heard a pounding on the door, assuming that Lightning was still assaulting the door. “Such as; that door will not hold him.”

Critique scoffed. “Relax, Computer, nothing is going to-“

“UNIFORCE!” Lightning’s voice echoed from behind the door.

Critique’s heart dropped into his chest as his eyes widened. “Shit!” He dove for the ground, putting his body as low on the ground as possible. The door and the wall connected to it burst forward as a bright light shined into the room. The rubble flew past Critique at a high speed, hitting the ground with powerful thuds.

Critique’s body shook as he slowly turned around as he watched the shape of Lightning march through the doorway. He quickly picked himself up off the ground as he made a mad dash for the other side of the room. However, as he moved, the floor squeaked beneath him, giving away his position. He heard the sound of Lightning announcing his attack as a bright beam entered the room.

Critique leaped forward as far as his legs would allow him, hoping to avoid the blast. The blast hit the floor just behind him. However, the floor began to crumble around the blast sight, causing the floor beneath and in front of him give way. He felt gravity grab his body and pull him straight down until his chest rammed into a solid floor beneath him.

His chest flared as he slowly moved to his feet, groaning in misery as he moved. “What the hell happened?” he whispered.

A barely audible sound then came from his phone as it started to glow. “You are in the basement , sir.”

Critique reached for his phone and picked it up. He raised his eyebrow. “We have a basement?”

“I am as surprised as you are, sir,” Computer’s voice came from the phone. “It is not any blueprint I have of the building.”

A booming sound was heard from upstairs as the word ‘Uniforce’ was repeated. Critique rolled his eyes as the word echoed in the room.

“Sir, if this keeps up, the building will no doubt collapse.”

Critique scoffed. “Computer, the building collapsing is the least of my-.“ He paused. He then put his hoof to his chin and shut his mouth. He tapped on it for a moment and smiled. “I have an idea.”

As if sensing his thoughts, the Computer spoke, “You realize that is an incredibly dangerous plan?”

He looked down to his phone. “If you have a better plan, I’m open to suggestions.”

There was silence. Critique shut the light off from his phone and held it tight in his hooves. “Then keep me posted on the structural integrity of the library.”

He started to climb the rubble pilling up to the main floor, hoping that his hooves wouldn’t be cut by anything sharp as he fiddled his way in the darkness. He crawled up stack, carefully monitoring his movements. He reached a solid platform, which he assumed was the floor and crawled his way to all fours.

He took a deep breath as he slowly backed away from the hole, hoping to get his bearings. He felt the floor around him, but was still unable to tell what part of the room he was facing. He shook his head as a thought came into his mind to give him a brief glance into the room. Yeah, but then I’ll give away my position. And without knowing where he is, I could be in big trouble.

He scanned his mind for any alternative move, but none came. Finally, he gave in to the risk. He pointed his phone forward and allowed the light to shine. It quickly revealed that he was in the northern part of the room. A part he was very familiar with. However, he heard the sound of his opponent’s voice fill the air.

“There you are!”

Critique turned upward to see Lightning hovering over him, his horn glowing with the same menacing glow. “UNIFORCE!”

Critique quickly shut off his phone as he dove forward, avoiding the blast. The shockwave sent him soaring to the other side of the room, straight into the wall. He slid straight to the floor with a thud. He slowly picked himself up, taking a moment to breathe in deeply. He ignored the pain flaring in his chest as he took in each breath. Come on, Critique. Stay conscious.

He got back on his feet and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the dizziness that plagued him. He felt his knees wobble as he struggled to stay upright.

He then heard the sound of Lightning tapping against the wooden floor. “Where are you?” he cried out.

Critique smiled as he looked in the direction of the voice. “Hey, Lightning Dumb! Over here!”

“Don’t call me that!” Lightning’s voice called out. “UNIFORCE!”

The same energy beam launched at Critique, but this time he was ready. He rushed to his left with as much speed as his legs could give him. However, he overestimated himself, being caught in the shockwave. It sent him soaring several feet forward. Damn legs. Got to move faster.

He shook his head, trying to cure the stinging at the base of his skull. He slithered across the floor, desperately focusing all his efforts on keeping quiet. He crawled across the floor until he reached what he felt was another wall. He slowly started to rise to his feet, his knees shaking as if there was an earthquake inside them. When he was on his feet, he mentally prepared himself to make a mad dash for his left.

“Do you always have to shout out your attacks before you attack?! What are you?!Sailor Moon?! All you need is the skirt!”

Critique only had to wait a second for Lightning to speak. “UNIFORCE!” With those words, Critique used every ounce of strength in his legs to dive for the safety of the south wall.

The beam caused another explosion. Critique felt confident as he ran, feeling that he escaped the shockwave. However, one of his legs gave way and caused him to topple to the ground. The shockwave then picked him up and tossed him against the far bookshelf on the south side. Critique felt several books fall on top of him, causing misery to his already beaten body.

Shit! he cried to himself as a sharp jolt of pain flared from his hind leg. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get another run from that leg. He growled under his breath as he slowly put pressure on his legs. He started with his front legs, they wobbled, but the pain was bearable. He attempted the first hind leg. Like the front legs, it was uneasy to stand on, but he could stand. And finally his last hind leg. As soon as he placed pressure on it, he collapsed to the ground.

“Sir, the building is close to collapsing. Another blast should do it,” Computer relayed.

His mind played the scenario in his head. As soon as Lightning fired, he wouldn’t be able to get out of the way and would be fried. Or he would get out of the way, but wouldn’t make it out of the library in time.

The overwhelming feeling of despair crawled into his heart. Maybe if I can… just surrender… Maybe… Maybe he’ll let me live.

He placed his head on the ground, a tear coming down his face. Maybe I can cut a deal with him…

His mind then conjured another thought. If I surrender, he’ll kill me anyway…

He placed his front legs on the ground firmly and rose up as slowly as he could. Might as well take him with me.

“You know! You’re a pathetic little pony!” Critique shouted.

Even though he couldn’t see Lightning’s reaction, his words spoke of his glaring face. “I’m not a pony! I’m a unicorn!”

Critique gave a slight smirk as he dove forward with as much force as his good legs could give him.

“UNIFORCE!”

Critique briefly saw a shining light come from directly in front of him. He briefly saw Lightning’s face as his horn started to glow. Critique looked directly below him and saw the gap to the basement directly below him. He closed his eyes, praying to Celestia he made it. He felt gravity pull his body down and felt a sharp pain come at his chest as a thundering boom passed overhead.

A loud crash exploded in the room above. A crackling of wood echoed above Critique followed by the snapping of wood, finishing with Lightning’s scream.

With a few seconds passing of the three terrifying sounds crashing against one another, there was suddenly silence. Critique opened his eyes and looked around. He could scarcely see, but he believed himself to be in the basement. He looked down to his phone. “Computer,” he whispered.

“The structural integrity of the building has failed. Our enemy was inside the library when it collapsed.”

Critique gave a deep sigh of relief as he laid his head against the ground. “Call the police, please.”

“Already done. They are on their way now,” Computer replied.

Critique smiled. “Computer, make a note. We are getting a gun."

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Lightning was defeated. He could scarcely believe his eyes. His apprentice, the one he could trust to perform any task, was defeated by a mere pony. His eyes narrowed as he watched the Equestrian Princess of the Night arrived, taking custody of his soldier. No doubt to interrogate him on what he knows.

But he knew his soldier would not talk. He was certain of it.

"Looks like your apprentice didn't do so hot?" Thunder taunted as he entered the room.

The Grand Ruler closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Clearly, I overestimated my soldier's ability to believe." He turned to Thunder and frowned. "Just as I underestimated that pony's intellect."

He looked back at the screen. "Something I will not repeat."

Thunder gave a grin. "And that's why you're sending me, isn't it?" His eyes started to glow as electricity flowed from his hooves and throughout his body.

The Grand Ruler nodded. "Take your time with this one. I will not repeat my mistakes. Remember to believe."

Thunder scoffed. "Relax, I can handle this amateur." He made his way to the exit. "When I'm done with him, he'll be nothing a charred skin and a memory."

The Grand Ruler smiled as Thunder's hoof steps started to disappear into the hallway, feeling Thunder's confidence. If Thunder's confidence was any sign, than he had nothing to worry about. Thunder would finish what his apprentice started.

WonderFall

Warning: This review contains course language and sexual scenarios. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

For those of you who missed last week, a psychopath basically tried to kill me. Currently, he’s being held by Canterlot’s finest, so I guess that’s a bonus. However, we had the destruction of my library also. So, currently, I am at a local college posting my review there.

Fortunately, Computer and Celestia both tell me that the new library should be up and functional next week, but until then I have to move in with my parents. … Yeah, not looking forward to that.

On top of that, the Mayor of Ponyville is blaming me for the damages to the library, even though I tried to explain to him that a psycho tried to kill me. But of course, since he hates me for some unexplained reason, he will not listen to anything I say.

Oh, and since the terrorist attacked me in my home, Computer has been forced to reside in my phone until the new library has been rebuilt. As for the mysterious basement that we found, we haven’t really gotten around to investigating it. But based on preliminary scans, it’s just a hidden room with nothing in it. Why somepony would have such a thing is beyond me? Hopefully, we’ll turn up something and if not we can always use it for storage.

Once the library is back up and running, I’ll most likely be spending the rest of my life working there, since I am being held responsible for the damages.

My life sucks.

And could it possibly get any worse?

Are you ready for your story for today, sir?

No. What is it?

Wonderfall by The Mystery Fluttershy Fan.

Youtube Video

Already from the short description of the story, this one is not doing me any favors to my sanity. I’ll let the description speak for itself.

Fluttershy needs to heal her wings and since I can't expose her existence to any other human, I have to self medicate her, her medication?.... Being completely bound until she heals. I then try something for the first time. Watersports....

But not ordinary typical making her drink my pee or bathing her in it, no she had an idea I'd never even considered. I complied and it was one hell of an intense night,

Oh god. It’s one of THOSE stories…

Bear in mind… I haven’t even started the story yet and I am shitting bricks, guys. I am literally shitting bricks! … Well, let’s jump into WonderFall and get this over with.

So, the story starts off with our main character bringing Fluttershy into his home. This is the exact reverse of a Human in Equestria story, but it will probably not be anything better.

"It's good to be back Master". I follow her in and close the door behind us.

Oh, dear lord. I can’t tell if the character’s name is Master or that is just a title that Fluttershy is giving him. Either way, that’s pretty messed up. Is Fluttershy his slave or something?

If so, she’s pretty damn okay with it. I would say, uncharacteristically so, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

I sit in my computer chair and I start to browse some of my favourite websites to see what I've missed.

“I hope everyone really likes this new story I’m writing. It’s called My Little Unicorn! I think people will really enjoy it! It’s way better than Friendship is Magic.”

So he starts boasting about how he has his own personal Fluttershy to do all his bidding, including pleasuring him and his friends, who have an orgy with her.

One, Ewww…

Two, you’re an idiot!

Three, How the does Fluttershy get into the human world anyway? Seriously, it’s never explained! It is never explored upon and it never even hinted at! Do ponies just come out of the T.V show and go to the human world whenever they want? That’s really stupid!

I know there are not many original ways for ponies to get to the human world, or humans to Equestria, but you really think that no explanation is a good explanation?

I just casually browsed my Tumbler, which contained a lot of pony porn, very regularly featuring the pink maned, yellow coated filly sitting on my lap. I did feel a bit uncomfortable about her seeing it after a while and decided to just go to the more innocent pony discussion on Facebook. I could feel my trousers become tight as my penis became aroused by the warmth on top of it.

Oh, so you’re a horny bastard with no redeemable qualities about you whatsoever? I’m so glad you’re the main character in this story! I would hate to have a character with “Moral standards” or “a sense of right and wrong”! That would just be stupid!

Oh, and let’s not forget about Fluttershy. After all, I’m sure you watching pictures of your friends sexing up her and her friends would not get any kind of reaction from her at all. After all, that’s normal right? You and your friends showing off images of your naked girlfriends to one another? That’s perfectly legit, right?! Any girlfriend would allow that, right?!

I mean, it’s not like it’s perverted and violates their right to… Oh, wait… IT DOES, YOU ASSHAT!

I mean, seriously?! This is acceptable behavior to you?!

What? Is Fluttershy so low on the level of intelligence that she doesn’t even have basic rights?! My god, it’s called ‘humanity’. You should probably get some!

Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the perverted standards here. It’s okay for you and your friends to rape her together, but it’s not okay for you to look up pony porn while she’s sitting in the same room?

"You really are a dream come true Fluttershy, I love you" I say sweetly as I nibble the tip of her pointy ear affectionately.

“And, by ‘I love you’, that means I in no way respect you as an intelligent creature, but a sex object that I can push any scenario I want to without repercussions because you are just a tool for my sexual fantasies. “

:fluttershysad: That… doesn’t sound like love…

“Do I need to invite my friends over for another threesome?”

:fluttercry: I don’t like this very much…

So, apparently we get some backstory on Fluttershy first arriving in the human world (which really ends up with him saying, “She magically appeared”) and get a load of this fucking bullshit.

I was the one who broke her wings... I raped her... painfully.

Yes, but it was mostly painful for the audience.

Despite all that though, she was staying with me since I promised her freedom. I felt guilty and I let her go, but I begged her not to leave the house and reveal her existence to the general human population.

Wait a minute, you say you want to release her, but then you beg her not to go? What the hell is wrong with you?! God, you change your mind more than a Mary Sue changes eye colors!

She must have enjoyed what I did to her on some instinctual level, because now she wanted sex all the time and ever since then we had done it a lot and consensually.

Well, pfft, of fucking course! I mean, he only RAPED her, broke her wing and held her against her will while she apparently is so broken up that she has to be tied up to heal properly (we’ll get to that in a fucking minute).

And, of course, as ANYONE who has ever been raped will tell you, it’s super easy to forgive the person responsible because deep down, you enjoyed it! You fucking enjoyed it!

Yeah, it’s just like having a family member you deeply care about being murdered, but forgive the murderer super easily because deep down you know that you thought it was enjoyable!

Or like when you watch your kid get hit by a drunk driver, but you forgive the drunk driver super easily because deep down you thought it was hilarious!

So, the character starts to fiddle with Fluttershy’s wing to find out how badly damaged it is, because I’m sure pulling violently on it will help! He’s says the wing is badly damage and that he needs to push the bones back in their proper place to heal and that it is going to hurt.

"Oh okay... Go ahead then, I know you like it when I am in pain and stuff, so I won't hold back on the noise". She says.

Oh, good. He’s abusive, a rapist, and a psychotic! Clearly the definition of manly right here, people! And of course, Fluttershy is not objective at all, because she clearly doesn’t have a brain or any rights for herself as she is just a sex object. That makes it convenient for anything you want to do. I’m so glad you sucked out Fluttershy’s brain so that you could make her your stupid sexual puppet.

So, he starts to have violent sex with her as he probes her wings. … Lord, I feel like I need a shower after that sentence… And then proceeds to… You know what, every time I am forced to read a sex scene with Fluttershy, I am going to put a sad image of Fluttershy crying. That way, each and every one of you will be able to feel my pain, without being tormented by the horrible images that I now have stuck in my mind…

Youtube Video

"It says here I need to bind your wings, so that you can't move them, even accidently, it suggests I bind you up completely". I explain as a grin appears on my face.

… … Are you fucking kidding me?!

Okay, One: This same injury happened to Rainbow Dash in the Episode where we are first introduced to Daring Doo!

Yeah, as you can see, Rainbow Dash, clearly needs to be bound for her entire body, even though it is only her freaking wing that needs healing!

Two, if you are using a bird care website, it is not recommended that you completely bind the bird! You tend to the wing that is injured, but leave the other one alone, so that is doesn’t lose muscle function!

Three, don’t tell me that this story was written before Read it and Weep! That’s bullshit! The episode appeared on February 4, 2012. This story was written an entire year later!

So the only, ONLY reason he is tying her up, is because he is a sick twisted bastard who only wants to tie her up so he can have perverted bondage sex with her! Go to hell, whatever the fuck your name is!

So, he ties her up and throws her in a dungeon and here I am praying that Spike comes in with his bulky body and kills this guy. Also, where the hell did he get the money for a dungeon?! What is this guy?! Bowser from Super Mario Brothers or something?!

"Yes... Its fine." She sighs. "I'm only doing this because you've been really nice, and for my wings otherwise I'd never go back down here...".

Oh, yes. This guy is just soooo likeable! A rapist! A psychotic! A pervert! A sadist! He’s truly the hero of this story! I’m so glad that Fluttershy found and trusts this USELESS PIECE OF MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!

Also, does being nice include having you perform a foursome with his equally perverted friend (assuming of course this person actually has friends) and making you watch pony porn of yourself and your friends? I didn’t know that was on the same level of compassion as saving someone’s life or nursing them back to health.

And don’t give me this bullshit about him nursing you back to health. It should be clear by now that he doesn’t have your best interest at heart! I was joking about the Fluttershy’s brain being sucked out of her body, but now that’s the only explanation I can come up with for the reason she is acting so stupid!

"That's a good slave" I grin as I secure her starting with her ankles.

She frowns as she is called slave, fearing you're going back to how you were. "Um... My name is Fluttershy, remember? I don't like Slave..."

"But... you've been calling me master" I say as I secure her knees quickly.

"It was to make you happy, Master... Its just... I don't like you calling me slave, it feels like back when you first trapped me down here... and that was horrible, for me at least..."

Then why the fuck are you letting him do this to you?! I know Fluttershy wasn’t the most assertive character in the show, but come fucking on, people!

Maybe this is why Fluttershy is always put into these situations! The author thinks she is so submissive that she will do absolutely anything that they want her to! Bull-fucking-shit!

Fluttershy has demonstrated, several times, that she is capable of asserting herself! But what do I expect from a horny asshole?!

So, “the master” , Oh fuck it, I’m renaming him “Horned Toad”, because he is as disgusting as a toad and all he is interested in is sex. That does not for a good character make!

Mr. Toad finishes tying up Fluttershy and says that after three weeks, he will allow Fluttershy to do the same to him. I have no idea why Fluttershy would want to after spending one day with this sex craved idiot, but then again, I didn’t have the author suck out my brain before writing me!

And then… Cue Sad Fluttershy video…

Youtube Video

So, yeah, the next 2000 words is just him describing how he loves to rape Fluttershy and how he can make Fluttershy do all these things for him and how Fluttershy, even though she clearly established that she doesn’t like being called a slave, loves being called a slave!

Yeah, very consistent writing, asshole!

And it’s like this through most of the story, with very little else happening. And it ends up making this story completely boring! Seriously?! There is no plot! There is no struggle! There is nothing to risk or to lose here! It’s just … this asshole raping Fluttershy the entire story! There is nothing here of value or anything worth reading!

So, he goes watersports on her and if you don’t know what that is… Be glad you don’t. I know what it is… And I wish to God that I didn’t.

DON’T YOU DARE LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE!

So, after that our story finally ends with… I need another sad Fluttershy video…

Youtube Video

Do I even have to say anything?

I mean, my god! Forget the bad spelling and grammar on this hunk of shit! This story is the worst story I’ve ever read! Period!

It is offensive! It’s insulting to anyone with more than 4 brain cells! And it incomprehensibly stupid! The story? Nonexistent! The characters? They have no dimension to them! The plot? Nothing! The explanations? Forget it!

Everything about this story, all takes a backseat to the utterly disgusting and horribly drawn out, Fluttershy-rape!

I cried at the end of this story! Not because I actually felt something for the story, but because I felt ashamed! I felt ashamed that I read this story! I felt ashamed that I was a part of this story! I feel ashamed right now promoting the fact that THIS poor piece of utter shit exists!

And to do this to a character who is so fucking innocent and so loving and so caring, just makes me absolutely sick! I am disgusted at myself for reading it! I am disgusted at the author for writing it! And I am disgusted at any reader who enjoyed this garbage when other more talented authors keep getting ignored!

I have never read a story that made me feel completely unclean! This is it, people! I have read some bullshit in my life! But THIS… This… Poorly written, half-ass, offensive, obscene, uninteresting, crude, unpleasant, disgusting, cheap, tedious, nasty, repulsive, revolting, boring story is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life!

And that is what I have to say about the good things about it!

I’ll let your imaginations come up with what I have to say about the bad things!

Have a great day guys!

– Most likely where the inspiration for this fic came from. Would make sense, wouldn’t it?

Applejack's Love Poison Dilemma

He slunk out of the carriage with a glare at the new library that stood before him. It was exactly the same as the old one. Well, not exactly. He had been told about the new staircase that was built to lead directly to the new basement they had recently discovered. He sighed as he grabbed his suitcases from his the back of the carriage. He dragged them out and one of them plopped out onto the floor, shooting open, sending his collection of various toys, electronic devices and collector cards all across the ground.

He growled under his breath and grumbled a vulgar word. As he started to gather his things, the carriage puller came to his side and spoke, as he held out his hoof. “Our fee?”

The green earth pony rolled his eyes as he placed his various stuff into his suitcase and shut it tightly. He dug through his other suitcase and pulled out a small bag. He opened the bag, mentally counting the contents. He frowned as his ears drooped down. He gave the bag to the carriage puller, who smiled and nodded, much to the dismay of the green earth pony.

The carriage puller made his way back to the front of his carriage. “Have a pleasant day.”

The green earth pony mockingly mimicked the carriage puller as he picked up his luggage from the ground. Why am I in a really bad mood today?

He scoffed as that thought entered his head. I know exactly why. My parents.

He dragged his luggage across the ground, not even bothering to lift them. He made his way to the doorway. He opened the door and was greeted by a voice.

“Welcome back, sir.”

He slithered into the room, not even bothering to respond. He threw his suitcases to his sides and made his way to his spot on the ground. He collapsed on the carpet. “God, it’s good to be home.”

“Problems with your father?” Computer asked.

He looked up to the ceiling. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Very well,” Computer stated.

He picked himself up as a robotic arm descended to him with a small book within its claws. “Your next review, sir.”

He took a deep breath and swiped the book from the arm. “Let’s just get this over with. Maybe I can get some relaxing done this week.”

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Should we be Grammar Nazis?

Are they annoying? Helpful? Or even useful? For a many writers, this is a very taxing question. Writing does have rules with its grammar, but often times the rules with them are broken or changed in order to give a unique style to an artist’s work. Now that doesn’t mean that all of the rules can or should be broken, but it all depends on the skill of the writer. And the majority of writers can’t or shouldn’t break any of the grammar rules if they can help it.

My personal opinion, grammar Nazi’s are necessary for any new or even veteran writers. Most of the time our “unique style” doesn’t flow well with the masses and as such simple intentional grammar mistakes can be taken as you have no idea what you are doing, especially if you aren’t used to writing that way, in which you intentionally do it wrong in one spot, but end up doing it right in another.

Grammar makes the story look more profession and the author more intelligent and proper. One could argue that we would break grammar rules for style and that’s certainly one way to look at it. But one must know the rules of grammar before one can break them. With today’s story, I’m pretty sure he knows the rules, but he just doesn’t care.

Now, since this is fan fiction, most viewers are pretty lenient with grammar checks. (or don’t know enough of it). However, when one ignores enough grammar rules (or in today’s case just doesn’t care), the story can become unreadable, even for the most dedicated of readers.

I would go into detail with it, but frankly todays author doesn’t really care about it, so why should I?

So, how am I going to deal with a story without bashing on its grammar since the author doesn’t care about it? Well, I’m going to just focus on the story. Which means no matter what grammar mistakes are there, only the story matters. Does it make sense and is it enjoyable? Those are what I’m going to focus in this special edition of the Critique Cave.

So, let’s dive into Applejack in Love Poison Dilemma by FelixDawn and see if this story can be any good without counting the grammar.

Celestia sun was shining down on Ponyville, giving light for the residents.

Unfortunately, the sun gave up so much of its light, it set them all on fire. It was a sad day for Equestria and a sad way to end season 5.

While most of the ponyfolk were doing their own business, it was Rainbow Dash she heading towards at the Sweet Apple Acres.

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash is heading towards Sweet Apple Acres.  Déjà vu…  Also ponyfolk doing their own business? Huh, so this story takes place on Hearts and Hooves Day, if you know what I mean.

Applejack bucking apples from the many trees that covered the farm. The orange mare, Applejack,

Because those people who would be reading MLP fan ficion would never watch a single episode of MLP. And if you’ve been keeping up on my reviews, you know I’m not kidding.

took the bucket and placed it in the barn where many more buckets full of apples laid there scattered full. She decided to take a quick break and grabbed some apple juice to quench her thirst from the day work.

Oh, my god! She’s drinking one of her cousins! She’s an animal!

Oh, come on, Applejack. You know I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m just making a joke. Please don’t cry.

I have really got to stop making members of the main 6 cry. Let’s see, Applejack, twice. Twilight, at least once. Fluttershy, at least twice. Rainbow Dash, I think once. I think the only two I haven’t made cry was Rarity and Pinkie Pie. At least yet.

"Sorry AJ I could not find them anywhere!" Said Rainbow Dash with a disappointing look.

"For real?" Ask Applejack.

:ajbemused: Fer real fer shizel!

:rainbowhuh: Yeah, dog, bitch be tight in the hood, yo!

:ajsmug: Word, homey-gee-dogey-dog!

I’ve been working on my gansta slang. I think I’m improving!

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash had been looking for Big MacIntosh and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Applebloom?... Sweetie Belle?... Scootaloo?" Shoot Applejack

DON’T SHOOT APPLEJACK! SHE’S NEVER HARMED ANYPONY IN HER LIFE! WHY MUST EVERYONE HATE HER SO?!

, "Where'd they go?" Ask Applejack as she keep looking for the 3 fillies.

Oh, god, are you three stuck in tree sap again? What were you three doing this time?

:applecry::scootangel::unsuresweetie: We were just doing our taxes!

They start looking for the girls at the tree house.

When Applejack was still looking for the girls, Rainbow Dash seen a class with a purple liquid that filled the glass and drink it. The drink starts to work on her.

:rainbowkiss: Oh, yeah. My back has been killing me for weeks. That feels soooo nice!

"Strangely enough, I can't fin Big Macintosh either." Said the farm pony Applejack a she walk back to Rainbow Dash side, "Are you aright, Rainbow?" She ask her friend with a concern.

Aright is okay, because it kind of fits into Applejack’s accent. Just so you know, grammar Nazis.

So the love poison potion makes Rainbow Dash fall in love with the first mare she sees and it happens to be Applejack. Which brings up a question, why do the Cutie Mark Crusaders have a vial of love potion just lying around their clubhouse? What were they planning to do with it? Were they really that determined to make Cheerilee and Big MacIntosh a couple that they would try again? They don’t need to. Most fans ship them already.

Applejack was now chased by her friend Rainbow Dash after she drink love poison potion, Applejack was the first pony she saw and now Applejack was running around ponyville avoiding her she hide in tree, rock and ever in the barn, when she finally go to a dress shop to wear a disguise.

There is a show, don’t tell here somewhere. I just can’t find it yet. (It’s not a grammar error. It’s a common writing technique.)

So Applejack gets away and reads a book on how to cure Rainbow Dash and amazingly finds it rather simply. … That was rather anti-climactic. God, she made Twilight look like the slowest reader ever.

"Oh shit gotta run" Applejack said in shocked, "how did you know?"

Yeah, I gotta dock points for Apple-sware. I’m sorry, but that’s just out of character. I, personal opinion here, could see the word “damn” coming from her mouth (not that it will ever happen since it’s a kid’s show), but “shit” is more of my territory.

Applejack runs into the forest where she runs into the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They go back to the clubhouse to see if they can undo the spell, discovering that Rainbow Dash had indeed ingested the love poison potion.

:applecry: Oh, no! Rainbow Dash is only feeling the love potion part of the drink! Wait til it gets to the poison part, she will be hurling for a month!

Rainbow Dash finds them and chases after Applejack. She finally catches up to her and tries to kiss her.

:rainbowderp: Urgh! Applejack, you taste like… well, applejack!

Fortunately, Apple Bloom and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive to put an anti-love potion, from Zecora, on Rainbow Dash. However, they say it won’t work for 24 hours and that Applejack will have to hide until then… Why? In the episode Hearts and Hooves, it took them not looking at each other for an hour before the spell wore off. Is this a different love potion? Are the effects different when the target is only one pony? For that matter, how did they get to Zecora so fast? And how did Zecora just happen to have the ingredients that she could use to make the anti-love potion? Does she just keep some in the cupboard just in case?

Actually, based on history, Zecora was quite a popular zebra. Being approached by all sorts of stallions.

Really? Huh? Learn something new every day.

So Applejack goes back to her barn, which I would think would be stupid since that would probably be the first place Rainbow Dash would look, and of course, I’m right as Rainbow Dash knocks her out.

After hours Applejack finally awakens to find that her 4 hoofs has been tied and she was in a bed.

OH, MY GOD! IT’S CUPCAKES ALL OVER AGAIN!

"Uh what the fuck happen let me out!!!" Applejack yell,

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to dock points again. That’s just not a word that I would think Applejack would say.

Sir, don’t’ you think that is being a little bias towards your own personal head canon and thoughts on how the character should be portrayed?

You know what, I already took away my grammar insults, I need something!

So, Rainbow Dash goes over to Applejack and says that she wants her to be with her, forever.

Youtube Video

I like this song! Get over it!

Rainbow moved her head closer to one of Applejack ears and whispered, "I want be inside of you!"

And not in the sexy way either. I was thinking about cutting off your skin and wearing, pretending I’m you. … That’s not at all creepy, is it? Oh my god, this is Cupcakes.

Anyway, the sun finally comes up and breaks the spell from Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash wonders what is going on and takes Applejack home.

"I can not believe what I did... Next time I so not drink something what is not mine...!" Rainbow said as she rub her hoofs around her face.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that I shouldn’t drink things that I do not know the contents to. You could end up drinking something that will make you want to have sex with the first person you see. Wait… Would that really be a bad thing? I mean, if I gave you a swig and then had you set your eyes on me… I didn’t just write that, did I?

This story… is weird and admittedly, sucks.

It’s baffling how confused this story seems to be. It seems like it wants to be a clop fic, but doesn’t want to go the extra mile. It also seems like it wants to be a story in canon with the show, but doesn’t want to give up the sexual part of it.

And ultimately, it just fails at both. The characters are barely in character. The plot is just skimmed over, not adding a lot of drama since it is over before you know it (Thank god) and the constant telling of the story rather than showing us the story just make it all the more difficult to read, even if you completely ignore the grammar mistakes.

This story isn’t just bad because of the grammar, there are plenty of other reasons not to like this story. From the fact that the basic plot doesn’t make much sense, to the characters not acting like their normal selves, to plot holes about where the potion came from, why the Crusaders needed it or how it worked differently to the other love potion.

Have a great day, guys.

Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about everypony’s favorite bully, Diamond Tiara.

So, because of her status on the show, she is often seen as a heartless asshole. And most stories involving her usually end up with her being maimed, killed, humiliated, etc.

I’m not exactly for bullying, but isn’t that kind of harsh?

Anyway, while Diamond Tiara isn’t among my favorite characters.  She’s not even within my top 30. I know I checked.

Rank Character

1 Fluttershy

2 Rarity

3 Princess Celestia

4 Princess Luna

5 Pinkie Pie

6 Twilight Sparkle

7 Sweetie Belle

8 Applejack

9 Apple Bloom

10 Rainbow Dash

11 Scootaloo

12 Spike

13 King Sombra

14 Trixie

15 Zecora

16 Cheerilee

17 Discord

18 Princess Cadence

19 Shining Armor

20 Queen Chrysalis

21 Derpy

22 Big Macintosh

23 Iron Will

24 Octavia

25 Nightmare Moon

26 Snowflake / Horsepower

27 Granny Smith

27 Braeburn

29 Babs Seed

30 Silver Spoon

30 Pipsqueak

32 Diamond Tiara

33 Gilda

34 Lyra

34 Bon Bon

34 Vinyl Scratch

34 Fancy Pants

34 Prince Blueblood

39 Fleur de Lys

40 Lightning Dust

41 Photo Finish

41 Hoity Toity

43 Flim

43 Flam

45 Rose Luck

45 Colgate

45 Dr. Whooves

45 Berry Punch

45 Carrot Top

45 Soarin'

45 Spitfire

45 Caramel

45 Cloud Chaser

45 Flitter

45 Twist

But even if that wasn’t the case, does she deserve the kind of crap she goes through with fans? I’d like to think there is somepony who would stand up for her when some fans go too far. Just like today’s subject. Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners by Decimal

This story is pretty controversial with most fans stating that Diamond Tiara got what she deserved in the end. Others would claim that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are completely out of character and that the punishment Diamond Tiara received in this story was unjustified and mean-spirited.

But what is the truth? Is her punishment justified or not? Well, let’s jump into the story and decide for ourselves.

As you already have probably guessed, there are spoilers for this-

Sir, must you always reveal there are spoilers ahead? I think anyone who is following this already knows that there will be spoilers.

I’m doing it for the people who haven’t seen the previous reviews and don’t know what to expect.

Very well, sir.

Anyway, on with the review.

We start with the Cutie Mark Crusaders in their clubhouse trying to figure out what they are going to do for their Cutie Marks.

"Mountain climbing, juggling, firestarting, stunt performing, doctoring, potion brewing…

Manticore-slaying, spelunking, clop fiction writing, professional accounting…

Yeah, the fans of these characters can get kind of weird…

"Maybe we should ask some of the townsponies how they got theirs?"

Wait, haven’t we done this plot already? I know it was with the main six, but most of those characters are your sisters. (or at least close in Scootaloo’s case). Why would you think that going to ponies who aren’t family go any better? Do you just not trust them enough to tell you the truth or something?

So they decide to go into town and ask others how they got their cutie marks. They arrived in the town and Sweetie Belle says this-

"Wait! Didn't the mayor ban you from riding your scooter in the market?" Sweetie Belle said.

Wait, Scootaloo was banned from riding her scooter in the market? Why?

"Oh yeah. Darn." Scootaloo hopped off her scooter and was followed by the other two fillies.

Wait, you aren’t going to explain why she can’t use her scooter? We just have to assume that we know or something?

They walked around the market, searching for ponies who they haven't asked the story of how they got their cutie marks.

So… not going to explain that at all, huh? Just kind of… wasting our time with that bit.

Anyway, they start wandering around town hoping to find somepony, but the town is mysteriously empty.

The only ponies there were the ones who ran the market stalls, and most of them were sleeping or doing other things that weren’t attending to customers.

Gee, I wish I got paid to sleep during my store hours. Those bastards are lucky.

What do you call what you are doing now?

Working.

You don’t get paid to do reviews. You choose to do them because you are bored.

Shut up.

Scootaloo was the first to complain about the absence of ponies. "This sucks! Where is everypony?"

Wow, good thing you told us that before she actually did it. I never would have guessed she was upset with the whole “absence of ponies” bit, if you hadn’t had just told me. Good thing you didn’t show me, I would have never guess. Note sarcasm.

"But what if somepony wanted to buy something on a holiday? What do you think, Sweetie Belle?"

And thus, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle began the very thing that would not only bring them billions, but the very thing that would destroy Equestria forever…

So, they see a large crowd of ponies gathering at a stage and they go to investigate.

Well, we don't have anything else to do, wanna see what's happening in there?" Apple Bloom said.

Except well, finding your cutie marks. And hell, why don’t you just ask the owners of the shops to help you guys with your cutie mark hunting? I mean, the town’s empty. It’s not like they’re doing anything important.

So they travel towards the stage and they view the presentation.

Youtube Video

And if you just saw the video, then you basically read the next 500 words. … I’m not kidding. The whole scene was replayed in the fan fic. Written out in… a much shitter way. The descriptions of this story are absolutely terrible. There is nothing in this story that resembling ‘show’! We are only told things! That’s not good writing!

Now, this would be acceptable if it actually showed the Cutie Mark Crusader’s reactions to the seminar or how they feel about the whole thing, but really, it’s a cheap way to fill up space in the story, since it offers us nothing new that a 1 minute video wouldn’t catch us up to speed on. Hell, I’m surprise he actually wrote it, instead of taking the lazy way out and just posting the video in the story. Frankly, I probably would have liked that more. It wouldn’t have been less reading I had to do.

But it turns out there was a reason for this scene to happen, be it a rather stupid reason, as it happens to be the very same seminar that Fluttershy was at in Putting Your Hoof Down. And, he just spat on the official canon. I’m so glad this couldn’t be done another way. Maybe the author just didn’t have the imagination for it.

Youtube Video

Oh, look at her. She is so cute. I just want to wrap her up and cuddle and…

Focus, Critique. Focus on the review.

And if you watched that video, you got the next 500 words out of this story. And this story only has 3000 words. Yep, 1000 words of this story was a total waste and could have been used for something more original and more interesting. If I wanted to watch Putting Your Hoof Down, I would watch it on Netflix!

Anyway, after the seminar, the Cutie Mark Crusaders leave with Scootaloo getting an idea.

The Crusaders meet at school the next day to discuss Scootaloo’s plan.

She stopped when she saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking towards the schoolhouse. "There they are. Alright, just follow my lead."

Little did they know that they were actually Changelings in disguise that devoured them as soon as they came with hoof’s length of them. And considering what we are about to see, I don’t really feel sorry for them.

What really happens is Scootaloo and the others start making fun of Diamond Tiara.

speaking of cutie marks, we never really got what yours meant. I mean, it's some sorta crown, but you're not a queen or anything, so it means that you're somepony who pretends to be important but isn't?"

Well, frankly, we pretend you’re a chicken so I don’t really see how that compares to a crown?

"So you're like those snooty nobles in Canterlot who think they're above everypony else? Wow, you must really be a snob to get a cutie mark for it! You even have somepony who hates you following you around every day pretending to like you and tell you how great you are just because you're rich! Isn't that right, Silver Spoon?"

Oh, so bullying! That’s what we’ve stooped down to! Don’t be a bully, kids, but if somepony makes fun of you, go ahead and insult everything they are and everything they do! Because two wrongs make a right!

So, yeah, it goes on like that for a while with the Cutie Mark Crusaders basically being assholes and Diamond Tiara the victim. Kind of out of character for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but hey, if one seminar can morph Fluttershy into Flutterbitch, I guess it works on everypony, right?

Youtube Video

Finally, the bell rings and you would think that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are done. They had their little fun, they got back at Diamond Tiara and they can go back to whatever it was they were doing.

"I know what we should do!" Sweetie Belle said. "When we go inside the schoolhouse, follow behind me and do what I'm doing."

God, you suck.

So, the Crusaders burst into the room and start crying. When Miss Cheerilee asks what happened, they explained that Diamond Tiara called them Blank-Flanks and that it hurt their feelings.

"Diamond Tiara, is this true? Did you make fun of them for not having cutie marks?"

"No! They're just being stupid and stuff and…" she trailed off when she noticed Cheerilee was now looking at somepony behind her.

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee, she was. I saw her doing it today, and before that. She's been doing this for years." Diamond Tiara turned to see who said that. When she saw it was Silver Spoon,

Okay, what?

Where did this come from? This seems unbelievable rushed! Where the hell did Silver Spoon’s sudden 180 come from?! This is one of the biggest problems with the Silver Spoon character with the fans! Silver Spoon is treated as nothing, but a victim, while Diamond Tiara is played up the bitch to 11! It’s a mirror image of Luna and Celestia. Celestia is played the part of the evil tyrant who sent her sister away, while Luna is played the part of the victim!

But it doesn’t make any sense! One, Silver Spoon is just as bad as Diamond Tiara. There is about as much to like about her as Diamond Tiara! The episodes prove that! There is no reason why she should be played the victim card more than Diamond Tiara. I know she’s the ringleader, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t as bad!

And even if that wasn’t the case, this scene where she suddenly switches sides is so fucking rushed! One sentence and BOOM, Silver Spoon is a good guy now!

It comes out of left field with no build up and no suspense whatsoever.

But in the Crusaders’ defense, she did strike first. While the Crusaders did go really, REALLY far with their insults, Diamond Tiara and the Crusaders should be punished for it. So, what’s Diamond Tiara’s punishment?

"I am expelling you, Diamond Tiara, from the Ponyville Schoolhouse, for repeated bullying and harassment."

… … Damn… That’s really harsh, isn’t it?  Isn’t that going a bit beyond your authority? Isn’t there a principal or something, you need to discuss it with first?

Also, you’re going to just… expel her? Just like that? I mean, you’re not going to talk to her about it? Not going to hold it up for discussion? Not even going to try to have her explain herself or have you explain why that is inappropriate for her to do?

Okay, I’m going to be right back…

Okay… I’m good now…

So, anyway after being expelled, which still makes no sense even after all the alcohol I just consumed, she meets up with her father.

She explains what happened at the school with her father, explaining that it isn't her fault, but he isn’t buying any of it.

"I did not raise my daughter to be like this. I can't believe that you would stoop as low as picking on somepony for not finding their cutie marks. But getting expelled from school? This is unacceptable."

Okay, Miss Cheerilee was very out of character in the last scene for expelling Diamond Tiara like that. Yeah, she was a bully, but that’s not how you deal with them as a mature adult. I’m sure her father, who was a little more understanding in the show then most people give him credit for, would treat her in the way that she needs to. With love and respect and…

"Pack your things. I don't want to see you around here anymore." Filthy Rich got up from the chair and walked away, leaving Diamond Tiara at the table.

… … Well, fuck you too!

I mean, are you serious?! Are you fucking serious?! THIS is how Diamond Tiara’s father acts?! Yeah, I don’t think that would happen considering the character we see! Yeah, okay, we don’t see a lot of him, but I don’t think he would ever disown her! My god, do ponies in this town not know how to raise children?!

Maybe humans would be okay to come here and show ponies how to love their children!

FUCK! NOT THEM! NOT THEM! NOT THEM!

And of course, since we never see her mother in any of the episodes, the author automatically assumes she doesn’t have one and even if she did, she would, OF COURSE, agree to sending their daughter to live on her own.

Diamond Tiara starts to head outside, but is cut off by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Now, let’s play a little game here. The Cutie Mark Crusaders admit to hearing her dad yelling at her and banishing her from his home. (Which of course, there is no laws against neglect of a child for the convenience of the story)

You have a brilliant set up here for a very great ending. If you were the author, what would you do in this situation? Would you:

A: Make the Cutie Mark Crusaders feel guilty about their actions, ultimately learning that two wrongs don’t make a right and that being a bully is not the answer and thus they help Diamond Tiara get back into school to finish her education, making it up to Diamond Tiara’s father and confessing the truth?

Or B: Have the Cutie Mark Crusaders rub it in Diamond Tiara’s face, stating how much better they are than her, therefore becoming the very thing that they had been bullied by for years?

If you said B, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

That’s right, our author picks B, having the Cutie Mark Crusaders rubbing in the fact that she is now alone and is forced to raise herself!

Diamond Tiara stomped her hoof on the ground. "You did this! You ruined my life! You made Silver Spoon leave me, you made me get expelled from school, and you made my dad disown me!"

"You're welcome. Now you won't be a spoiled brat anymore, and you can be a miserable not spoiled brat!" Scootaloo said.

I’m heavily considering changing my favorite ponies list to not include you three!

And of course, the moral of this story is “It’s okay to be a bully and treat people with disrespect.”

“Sometimes the best revenge is moving forward and being happy despite the people that try to drag you down.?” Pfft, Hussein Nishah was a fucking idiot. Obviously, it should be “The best revenge is making sure the person you hate suffers by losing everything they hold dear.”

This author got it right. He got it fucking right!

So they continue to make fun of her with Diamond Tiara crying. Now, anyone with an actual brain in their head would make the Crusaders feel bad, but not our author, instead we get this.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS, YAY!"

Ha, ha, ha, ha! You just let a little girl get disowned by her family being forced to starve in the streets and possibly die.

This fan fic is trash! It’s stupid, its unimaginative, it’s not written well at all, and it’s just so mean-spirited.

Look, Diamond Tiara is a bully. I get that. She gets her just desserts at the end of each episode. Okay, fair enough. I’m a big believer in karma. What goes around comes around. If you are an asshole, it will come back to bite you.

But this? This is not only mean-spirited, but it makes no sense. How is any of the decisions of the adults justified? Yes, Diamond Tiara is a bully, but her punishments are way too extreme! They are far too extreme for the wrong she’s done!

The Iron Will seminar, what was the point of that? Did you like Iron Will, but couldn’t figure out a way to get him into your story, so you just shoe horned him in there? There were a million different, unique ways this could have been done. Why even do it this way? If you are going to do it this way, at least give us something new like focusing on the Crusaders, rather than Fluttershy, who wasn’t even a part of the story to begin with or has anything to do with it afterwards.

The story isn’t funny! It’s written as a comedy, but it never once got a laugh from me. I would only look at this in shame and think, “God, did you really just write that?”

The descriptions in this story are so bad, that the story actually becomes really boring. My high school English book was more exciting than this.

And the worst part about this story is the Crusaders themselves. They are not only out-of-character. They not only bully Diamond Tiara the way she had always bullied them. But because only Diamond Tiara is punished.

ONLY Diamond Tiara.

If you are going to punish her for the bad things she does, fine! But what about the bad things that the Cutie Mark Crusaders do?

“Well, the Crusaders are good, so that makes it alright.”

Fuck you! It’s not alright! Two wrongs do not make a right! I’m sorry! That’s not the way the world works!  The biggest problem in this story is that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are never punished, never criticized, never even feel guilty about the harm they have caused another.

And you know why the story never went that route? Because the author didn’t care. The author didn’t give a shit about this story or its contents. Don’t believe me? He literally says it.

I was originally just going to have the CMC make fun of Diamond Tiara but that didn't really cut it. I don't think getting expelled and disowned is reasonable, but I threw it in there just because. And yeah, they were out of character and the punishments just stacked on top of each other without enough logical reasoning, but I didn't want to have ten thousand words of Diamond Tiara sitting in the principal's office/getting chewed out by her dad.

If that isn’t the definition of not caring, I don’t know what is. 10,000 words would have been great build up for this story. Hell, even 1000 words would have added to it. Or at least make up for the 1000 words of Putting Your Hoof Down I had to read through. Overall, this story is a pathetic attempt at making people cheer when Diamond Tiara gets bullied. But all it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Yeah, save your hate for somepony more deserving.

Not her, you asshole!

That’s better. Have a good day guys.

Light Away the Fear

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And today, I will be reviewing Light Away the Fear by FictionFreek

This intro for this chapter was shorted as a respect for a user named TgTfproductions passing away, but it turns out that the dude was a lying sack of shit.

Frankly, I'm pissed off about the whole thing, since the dude basically betrayed out trust, but I'm not going to let it spoil my review. So, let's try to find something happy about this to make this whole thing go as far away from me as possible.

The story starts with a small voice being heard and awakening Rarity. She isn’t certain what it is and tries to fall back asleep.

However, the voice speaks out again and Rarity realizes it is the voice of her’s and Spike’s daughter.

Spike starts to awaken as well and asks if Rarity thinks that their daughter, named Claire, is having another nightmare.

I’m a little surprised Luna hasn’t come to calm her down yet, but I guess she can’t be everywhere at once.

What? I’m being nice today!

Spike volunteers to go comfort her and attempt to put her back to sleep, but Rarity insists that she will do it, saying that she has an idea.

It turns out that Rarity’s plan involves Tom and rocking her child to sleep.

Geez, I’m getting everypony pissed off at me today. Well, let’s keep reading and see who else I can piss off.

She approaches the next room and discovers that her nightlight has died out, causing the little girl to panic.

She finds Claire on her bed wrapped up in her blankets and beings to comfort her.

“T-they wanted to t-take me, momma.” Claire said after some time of silence.

They wanted to take you away, ha, ha! They wanted to take you away, ha, ha! Hoo Hoo! Hee Hee! Ha, ha! To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and you’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats, and they’re coming to take you away! Ha, ha!

Rarity tries to calm her down by explaining that there are monsters out in the world that are quite terrifying, but none that are more terrible than the ones in her own mind.

Yeah, I beg to differ.

God, it looks like he’s going to try and eat me.

And let’s not forget the most terrifying creature of all time.

God damn! Now there’s the image of a nightmare!

Rarity takes her out of bed and decides that she is going to show her that she has nothing to fear but fear itself or something like that.

She was confused,

Frankly, so am I. Remember when parents used to comfort their children when they had a problem and talked to them about it, explaining how they didn’t have to be afraid or something like that. That they were just in our imaginations at that you didn’t have to be afraid of them. And you convinced yourself that it’s okay because they aren’t out to get you, but then you realize that they are out to get you and your nightmares keep repeating themselves as they close in on you and laugh as they dig their knives into your body and you try to scream, but your mouth won’t…

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. Been … um… watching too many horror movies.

and did not have the slightest inkling what it was that her mother was going to show her.

It turns out she was showing her FIMFiction.com. Nothing scarier than that.

Aw, come on. Can I make a single joke without being ridiculed?

So, Rarity convinces Claire to face the darkness, with her right beside her. She blows out the light and Claire starts to panic, but Rarity continues to comfort her.

Rarity asks her to point out where she sees the monsters and Claire points out a ghost that threatened to take her away from her parents.

You stay away from me! You’ve already killed that fox that you took away from their family! What more could you possible destroy?!

She continues to see all kinds of monsters, with her mind explaining what they would do to her if they caught her.

Wait a minute… Isn’t this supposed to be taking place from Rarity’s point of view? Why are we suddenly changing from the point of view of Rarity to Claire? I know that it is in third person, but shouldn’t there be a break indicating that there is a view point change?

Unless, it is Rarity remembering these events, but how could Rarity know what is going on in Claire’s mind?

Anyway, just before Claire can be overcome with fear, Rarity turns on the lights and shows Claire what her fears really were.

Sometimes when we’re afraid, we let our imaginations take over. We start to see things that aren’t really there, and as a result, give life to our greatest fears. But when we see the light, it shows us the truth. That the things we fear the most are only as real as we allow them to be.”

Yes, Claire. Just because something looks scary in the dark, doesn’t mean it’s actually scary-

Shit!

Okay… that was a little bit creepy.

So, Rarity explains that there is a light that shines in everypony that if they use that light, they can fight away their fears.

She tries to concentrate on her horn, attempting to banish her fears from her heart. She finally unleashes her own light and Rarity explains how proud she is of her.

And our story ends with Rarity tucking Claire in for the night and wishing her a sweet dreams.

However, it turns out that she is having nightmares like this.

I’m just teasing…

This story is actually not that bad. Now, there are some grammar things I could have gone into and the sudden shift between points of views did bother me, but it was still a sweet little story.

The reactions of Claire were grounded and believable and she even was kind of adorable.

Rarity was completely in character of how I envisioned her as she a mother. Especially one who has been a mother for a while. She supportive, compassionate and thinks of nothing but the needs of her child.

The ending was cute and believable. It wasn’t Rarity just telling her not to be afraid, it was Claire realizing that there was nothing to be afraid of. And I think that’s the strength of the story, the child character is allowed to learn something on her own, not just being taught something. I’ll admit it was a bit fast how she learned to overcome her fear, at least for my taste, but for what we got, it was still good.

The story is written well, save for a few spots, and it still feels like the characters are still in character, even after all these years.

Next week, it’s back to the cesspool of crap that I continue to review. Until then, have a great day.

-----------------------------------------

Claire: Mommy, how was I born?

:duck: Well, honey, we still aren’t exactly sure. Seeing how I’m a mammal and your father is a reptile and our reproductive biological systems aren’t compatible. We believe it had something to do with the magic of friendship or something like that.

Claire: Equestria’s weird.

:duck: Yes, it is.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goodbye...

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

There are a lot of stories that try to get you to feel something for the characters, usually by a tragedy befalling them. Usually this is used as a quick way to get the audience to feel something. Now, this can be done very well if executed with professionalism, tact, and gives us a deep bond with the characters.

However, there are very good examples of what can happen if you have no idea what you are doing. Just because something is supposed to be sad or make the audience feel something towards your character or another character, does not automatically make it successful. You still have to have a connection between the situation, the character and your audience.

And that’s what this story fails to do and it is called Goodbye... by Fluttershy217

And here’s the description of the story to give you an idea of what I’m in for today.

Pinkie Pie takes her own life, because she cannot take the pain of trying to smile each day.

Only Rainbow Dash has a chance at saving her will she make it in time?

… …

Oh, boy. We haven’t even gotten to the story itself and already I have no hope for this. First off, let’s look at the premise set up for this story. Pinkie Pie, one of the most optimistic, fun-loving, ball of happiness in fiction, is unhappy because is cannot take the pain of smiling each day.

If I remember correctly, Pinkie Pie LOVES SMILING! That is what her whole cutie mark is based off of! In the story of how Pinkie Pie gets her cutie mark, Pinkie Pie explains that her life on the rock farm was miserable because she didn’t know how to smile! However, after seeing the Sonic Rainboom, she decided that she wanted to always feel the joy that she felt that day and wanted others to feel it too! So, she’s depressed because she’s happy all the time?! What the fucking hell?! I understand that you need a range of emotions, but this is just stupid!

We are not even in the story yet and I’ll ready I’m swearing. This one is going to suck, everypony!

Also, the grammar leaves something to be desired. Something we will be getting into when we actually get to the story.

Like right now.

It was early morning celestia was just starting to raise the sun.

Yeah, the grammar in this story is pretty damn poor, even though we get an author’s note that looks like this.

Ok fixed the grammar mistakes but the story hasnt changed at all just the grammar

Friend, you haven’t even started on the grammar mistakes, but let’s just focus on the story.

Only one pony was awake it was the joyful party pony, Pinkie Pie but her mane was flat as if it were a popped balloon.

:pinkiegasp: I can’t do a thing with my mane anymore! I’m going to need another Sonic Rainboom.

:raritystarry: Have you tried Clear Scalp and Hair Beauty Therapy?!

She just finished sealing an envelope labeled 'Goodbye' and she left without a word.

Which is probably a good thing since she was the only one at the store at the time. If she had said some words while nopony was around, that would be kind of weird.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash arrives at Sugar Cube Corner to see if Pinkie Pie is around.

"Hey Mrs. Cake is Pinkie Pie here?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

Wait! Pinkie Pie… is Mrs. Cake?! But … how? That impossible! Unless… Pinkie Pie got trapped in a time warp when she was younger and lived in the past. Meeting up with Mr. Cake as a young stallion. As they got to know each other they fell in love and Pinkie Pie changed her appearance, mannerisms, identity, and everything about her to become his future wife, only to meet with herself in present day, causing a paradox which destroys all of existence as we know it!

… Or it could be just that bad grammar again? But I like my version better.

Mrs. Cake explains that she hasn’t seen Pinkie Pie.

"Well since your here can you go up there and check on her?"

Wait, why don’t you go and check up on her? There is no explanation as to why Mrs. Cake can’t go up and check on Pinkie Pie or shout her name to say that Rainbow Dash is here. It’s not like she’s taking care of the twins or anything.

"Sure thing" and with that Rainbow Dashed up the stairs (no pun intended).

… Seriously? That’s where our humor comes from? Ugh… Look, I like puns as much as the next pony, but if you aren’t going to use a pun, you don’t need to tell us it’s a pun in the story! Unless, there is a character that says that, there is no reason to add it in a story!

Furthermore, you capitalized ‘Dashed’! Why?! That would imply that there is a pun intended, since it is playing off her name by describing the action she is taking!

Rainbow noticed the envelope Pinkie's bed "Hey what's this" Dash said thinking out loud she opened the envelope and read it.

Dear, Rainbow Dash,

My pencil is not working.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

:rainbowhuh: Wait, how did she write that then?

I have left and I’m not coming back I’m sorry especially to you Rainbow Dash that I cancelled our plans again for pulling pranks on Ponyville I’m heading out to Ghastly Gorge and I’m going to jump so I will no longer have to fake a smile don’t feel bad girls even if you had known I was sad you couldn’t have helped. I’ve lost friends each party I throw is to bury the sadness so at noon it will be goodbye cruel world friends and all

    Your friend,

                      Pinkie Pie

The nerve of Pinkie Pie! Canceling pulling pranks on Rainbow Dash just because she’s depressed and is suicidal! She canceled pulling pranks on Ponyville with Rainbow Dash, just because she was unhappy! The fucking nerve of Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie… I didn’t mean it… Really, I didn’t. You know I don’t think you’re like that. It’s this story! It’s the one making you look bad.

There it is! All better now.

Except for the fact that I’m reading this story.

Yeah, this letter is pretty stupid. Forget the bad grammar, when the hell has it ever been suggested that Pinkie Pie is depressed because of the parties she throws?! In Mystery Magical Cure, it was heavily suggested that the town of Ponyville would probably fall apart without Pinkie Pie! The cheer she spreads is highly contagious and that the city of Ponyville is heavily appreciative of Pinkie Pie’s ability to spread joy and laughter to others! There is a fucking reason why she is called the Element of Laughter!

And this story is suggesting that the town is unappreciative of everything she does? For fuck’s sake, Pinkie Pie was able to bring joy to a pony (okay, it was donkey, but the idea stands) who was refused her friendship. That is how Pinkie Pie feels alive, when she is spreading joy and happiness to others! She confesses it in her song!

Now, this story could have worked if there was a legitimate reason of why Pinkie Pie was depressed. But there is no explanation as to why she is upset and why she feels the way she does. It’s just out of character and doesn’t make for good story telling.

And yes, this story was written after Mystery Magical Cure aired, so this story has no excuse.

Anyway, back to the story. Rainbow Dash flies off to Ghastly Gorge in the hopes of stopping Pinkie Pie from killing herself for vaguely explained and stupid reasons.

Pinkie Pie is sitting as Ghastly Gorge waiting to jump. Isn’t it odd how she has an exact time she has to die? What do they have a long line in heaven?

:pinkiesmile: It says if you get to Pony Heaven at noon, you get a free cookie!

Sitting at the edge of Ghastly Gorge sat Pinkie Pie looking up at the sky and when the sun reached its peak she slid off the edge of the gorge to the rocks below and as she fell Pinkie saw a Rainbow charging straight down and said "Goodbye Rainbow Dash" and then she saw the sonic rainboom that which filled her with joy so long ago brought only deep sadness now.

God, I feel like I’m being told a story by someone who can’t resist putting the word ‘and’ in random places throughout it. And to be honest, it’s pretty fucking distracting. How would you like it if I told a story like this?

And the Critique jumped up in the air and dodged the missile. And the supervillain said, “Curses!” and the Critique said, “Ha! I am so awesome!” And the computer said, “Oh, Critique, you are so hot! I want you inside me.” And the Critique said, “Of course you do. Everypony does.”

Pretty fucking distracting, huh?

I think they are more distracted by what you just wrote. I have never said you were ‘hot’?

Well, you should.

On top of that, it doesn’t even make sense. She mentions that the Sonic Rainboom doesn’t bring her joy anymore, but there isn’t much of an explanation. It’s as if the writer already expects us to know the information that you have. And yes, I understand that the audience isn’t stupid. The audience is smart. They can figure things out. But when you leave stuff out that’s a little important, we get the impression that you have no idea what you are doing or are too lazy to come up with an explanation.

So Rainbow Dash dives after her, but isn’t able to stop Pinkie Pie from hitting the ground. And this would be a great time to have some emotional outburst from Rainbow Dash, going through all the little emotions that she would go through and…

That night was the Funeral everyone but Rainbow Dash was there.

… Wait what?

So, are you just not going to have Rainbow Dash react to her best friend dying in front of her? I would think that would cause some kind of reaction. Well, okay, the story says she cries, but that’s it. That’s the most emotional investment Rainbow Dash gives us to Pinkie Pie dying.

Wouldn’t after three seasons of being best pals, you would kind of develop a much stronger bond with another person and as such it would hit your harder, causing your emotions to overwhelm you in some way? The problem is, it’s not in this story. Pinkie Pie dies, Rainbow Dash cries, next scene.

The pacing on this is so unbelievable bad, you don’t get to enjoy or even invest anything into a scene. You don’t get to spend time with Pinkie Pie, relating to her problem and find out why she is upset. You don’t get to see Rainbow Dash mourning Pinkie Pie, with you learning about why she meant so much to her.

“But Critique, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were obviously best friends in the show. So you know how much they mean to each other.”

Yes, but, what does Rainbow Dash mean to Pinkie Pie right now? I don’t know, because the story doesn’t tell me. If I wasn’t a fan of the show and started reading this story, I wouldn’t see connection. … Granted I would probably not be reading it, but that’s not good writing.

Yes, a character dying is sad. It is. But what makes Rainbow Dash’s pain different from everypony else’s? What makes her hurt so much more than us? You have to explain it to us. You have to show us why Rainbow Dash is an emotional wreak after Pinkie Pie’s death. If you just say, ‘she cried’,  you don’t get invested because you don’t feel how close they were.

Anyone could have just cried. How does Rainbow Dash differ from everypony else?

So, Fluttershy goes to Rainbow Dash’s house and asks why she wasn’t at the funeral. Rainbow Dash responses that she wants to be alone. Fluttershy agrees, but not before leaving Rainbow Dash with a small remembrance by Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash, rather than reflecting on anything and giving a lot of thought to the memories she had with Pinkie, decides to go to the grave as quickly as Fluttershy walked out the door.

See what I mean by bad pacing?

So, Rainbow Dash says her goodbyes and then hears Pinkie Pie’s voice… Wait what?

Then Rainbow Dash heard a voice, the voice was Pinkie Pie's it told Rainbow Dash "It's Okay Dashie take your time and when you’re ready say goodbye but until then smile and spread some joy make others laugh because when you smile the world smiles back at you"

Wait, so Pinkie Pie is now a ghost? Or is Rainbow Dash just going crazy?

So, Rainbow Dash throws a farewell party and everypony has a good time and our story ends with Rainbow Dash saying her final good bye to Pinkie Pie. And I swear to god, the paragraph I am writing now is longer than the one used to finish this story. Which is really fucking sad.

This fanfic is terrible. It’s poorly paced, the plot is stupid, the grammar is abysmal, the characters hardly resemble their counterparts and the explanation for Pinkie Pie’s depression is weak.

This story had potential, but it was wasted in this incredibly rushed story. It was as if the author wanted to write this in one day, and it shows. The plot is quickly thrown together, in a vain attempt to make you feel something for the characters.  It is so quickly thrown together, that the author did not even consider the character’s motivation.

It would have been interesting to see exactly why Pinkie Pie was upset. It would have been interesting to see Rainbow Dash’s reaction, but again, we are never given that.

Pinkie Pie is extremely out of character here. Like I said, Pinkie Pie is an incredibly optimistic character. It really takes a lot to bring her down and cause her to be depressed. The only time I have seen her depressed (not including season 4 for those of us who haven’t seen it) is during the episode Party of One, where Pinkie was depressed because she believed her best friends didn’t like her anymore. Because she believed that her friends didn’t enjoy the one thing that made her happy.

So it is incredibly hard to believe that she was depressed because she was happy.

This story tried to make us feel something for a character’s misfortunate and make our feels hurt, but all it did was make my brain hurt at how head-scratchingly bad it was.

Have a great day, guys.

***

Starla glanced up at the stars as the Grand Ruler raised the moon above the world. She wondered about her love, Lightning Dawn. He was trapped in Equestria, all thanks to their new enemy. Krysta hadn’t slept in days. She was worried about what Equestria was doing to him.

Starla would explain to Krysta that Lightning was strong and that he could take whatever the Equestrians could dish out. However, she wasn’t sure if she could convince Krysta or herself. Her nights were filled with seeing him in irrefutable pain. The nights would cause her to leap from her bed, tears soaking her cheeks.

She looked at the stars, hoping for a sign of his release, but the stars refused to reveal his fate. She wondered if it was because he was no longer in Unicornicopia. She lowered her head, sighing in defeat.

The door creaked open behind her. “What’s a pretty mare like you doing all alone on a night like this?”

She turned to see a dark blue Pegasus with a smirk on his face. She frowned and turned away. “What do you want, Thunder Ice?”

He smiled as he trotted into the room. “Is that anyway to talk to somepony who has been so nice to you?”

Starla shook her head. “We both know why you’ve been nice.”

He chuckled. “Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

She turned fiercely at him, glaring into his eyes. “If the Grand Ruler found out what we have done, he would kill us both!”

Thunder shook his head. “Relax. He’s not going to find out.”

Starla turned back towards the window and looked up to the sky. “You know that I am promised to Lightning. Nothing can change that.” She turned towards him. “And I must be happy with that.”

Thunder rolled his eyes as he made his way next to her. “Trust me; I’m not trying to take you away from him. You can marry him all you want.” He placed his hoof on her face. “But if he doesn’t give you what you want-“

She swatted his hoof away from her face and growled at him. “This isn’t a game!”

Thunder took a step back. “Geez, what’s gotten into you?”

Starla looked out the window and lowered her head. “You’re going to face him, aren’t you?”

Thunder scoffed. “You’re damn right I am.”

Silence filled the room for several moments, as if Starla was afraid to reveal the truth to him. She didn’t know what was the point. Nothing would stop him from facing their new enemy.

Thunder smiled. “What’s with the silence, beautiful?”

Starla closed her eyes. “You’re going to lose.”

Thunder’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped. “What?!”

Starla turned towards him. “You’ll lose to him. He will defeat you.”

Thunder raised his eyebrow. “Why? Because the stars tell you?!”

Starla bit her lip and took a step backwards. “Yes.”

Thunder shook his head and started to laugh. He slowly trotted towards her, his body flickering with electricity. “Listen closely, lover.” He took a step forward, lightning shooting from all parts of his body, nearly hitting Starla as she cowered backwards. “I was brought back to life by God when I committed suicide.” His eyes turned white as electricity sparked from them. “I’m not afraid of this little pony and I don’t care what your ‘stars’ say.”

Thunder turned away from her and trotted out of the room, leaving the smell of burning cloth around the room and the echo of his voice repeating itself in her mind.

Enter the Ninja

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Most of the stories I review involving OC’s suck. Why is that? Is it because good characters are so hard to create?

I certainly don’t think so. Characters aren’t really that difficult to create. Okay, good characters are a little harder to create, especially if it is an OC in a previously established universe, but if this show in particular has taught us anything, it is that new characters can work.

Take for example, Maud Pie. I admit, I haven’t seen the episode introducing her character (don’t worry, it’s on the list of things to do), but a lot of fans really liked the character, despite the fact that she appeared only in one episode, late into the series.

Again, I admit to not having seen the episode yet, so if you are looking for my opinion on her, I can’t really give it. I don’t know the character, so I can’t give you a personal preference of what I think.

But the point is, new characters that are introduced to the series can work. They do work. And they work if they are written well. However, most stories we see on FIMFiction lack the creativity and thoughtfulness that needs to go into an original character.

Most original characters are usually fantasy fulfillment for the author, leaving very few flaws and glorifying the character, usual by making other characters look mean spirited or down right idiotic. A good original character should be good without demeaning or perverting the other characters or the world around it.

But does our story today finally break the mold? Is this the story that I review where the OC is actually good? Well, let’s Enter the Ninja by Blackbash and find out. … That sounded really gross, didn’t it?

So we start our story with Luna taking over Celestia’s shift to guard the night.

The night was as cold and silent as ever, and for a small minute, Luna switched her sight from the all seeing telescope to a small set of mountains out in the distance.

Wait, how do you have a small minute? Did you only have half a minute or something? But then it wouldn’t be a minute, would it? How do you have a small minute?

Luna starts to guard the night, from what is never made clear, but starts to get distract when she starts to think about a pony she had known long ago.

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.”

… So, this is in the same canon as Snowdrop? … I’m not sure how to feel about that. Especially since Snowdrop didn’t suck!

The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest.

For the record, ‘shone’ isn’t a word! Shined would have been much better!

Luna travels to the old castle in Everfree, when suddenly the small shards of glass within the castle start to form black smoke. Oh, wait…

Sir, are you sure you are reading this right?

Of course I’m sure. Look…

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.” She breathed. The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest. Shattered remains of a glass like substance began to move. They gathered together under the moonlight and began to glow. After a short period of time, the pieces transformed into a dark glittering, purple smoke. A low, maniacal, witch-like laughter escaped for the substance and it headed straight for the Canderlot Castle.

Sir, I think those are supposed to be two separate thoughts.

Oh, dear Christ. The scene changes in the middle of the paragraph! We start the paragraph in Canterlot and then out of the fucking blue, we jump all the way to the Everfree Forest! There isn’t even an indication that shows us a transition. Instead, the audience thinks that Luna rushed to the forest for no reason!

I know your audience isn’t stupid, but there are certain things that indicate a separate scene! Use page brakes! That is how your audience knows that one scene has ended and another one has begun!

Anyway, the dark mist or whatever makes it way to Canterlot and attacks Celestia. It begins to suck all the magic out of Celestia’s horn and slithers away with Celestia still slumbering.

So, Celestia wakes up and goes to relieve Luna of guard duty before raising the sun.

The sun goddess rose from her cushion, trotted over to the telescope and tapped Luna on the back with large wing.

Large wing on big pony. Big horn on pretty pony. Talk like this, make you sound stupid… And offensive.

So, Luna and Celestia embrace and it is revealed that Celestia has a big black spot where the dark mist had sucked out her magic. Unfortunately, it is the narration telling us and not Luna discovering it. Apparently being out all night has caused Luna to not care about what her sister looks like. I admit I don’t see the black spot on Celestia’s head, but that’s only because the story is so poorly written that the little descriptions we do get are bland as hell.

So, the mist starts to soar away and makes its way back to the Everfree Forest. Meanwhile, the narration decides to switch scenes in the middle of a paragraph!

We join Zecora in her hut where she making her special brew.

“Why pay a fee, when I can make my own raspberry tea for free?”

Zecora: My ingredients will put Brisk out of business forever! It is easily my most ambitious endeavor!

Anyway, just as Zecora is putting the finishing touches on her master plan, the dark mist breaks into her hut and attacks her.

“Who dares attack my hut?! How would you like a kick in the……..…butt?”

Her rhyming is really not good. Not as good as it should. The flow feels odd, it feels quite flawed. She follows a cadence and speaks in verse; this way is sloppy and will only get worse.

Zecora didn’t know what she was looking at,

Neither do I, since the author doesn’t bother to describe it.

The dark mist attacks Zecora and steals the Alicorn Amulet away from her. The mist then forms a dark mare and flies off wearing the Alicorn Amulet.

“Oh my Celestia!” thought Zecora. “She’s got the amulet!”

Wait, so Zecora can speak in rhymes, but won’t think in rhymes? That doesn’t make any sense! You don’t think differently than when you speak! Unless Zecora has a separate personality that doesn’t make her rhyme, she should have rhymed her thoughts! Not that your rhymes were that impressive anyway, but if you are going to start with her rhyming, at least follow through with it!

Anyway, we finally get our first page break in the story, even though we should’ve have four of them by now, but whatever.

This was the start of a new day, and a new life for Twilight Sparkle, the newest and youngest princess of Equestria.

And it was the first day that fans called her a Mary Sue, which to this day makes no fucking sense.

She had spent the night at her old home in Canderlot getting ready for her first day as a ruler of Equestria.

My god! Did somebody even proofread this thing? Canderlot? What? Are you just making up words as you go?! Jesus, I haven’t even mentioned the terrible grammar, but now you want to add bad spelling on the list of things that are wrong with this story. The long list of things! God, this one is going to physically hurt me, isn’t it?

Twilight is nervous about presenting herself on her first day in Canterlot… oh, I’m sorry, Canderlot, as it is written. She asks Spike for advice, but Spike tells her she looks fine. Twilight isn’t convinced, but Spike is able to convince her otherwise.

“Look Twilight, don’t waste time worrying about your appearance, because you look beautiful.” Not as beautiful as Rarity, but good.  He silently added.

Yes, you are beautiful, Twilight. You don’t look as good as other girls, but you're still beautiful.

Okay, that was low and I’m sorry.

Twilight rushes out and meets with her brother, his wife and the Princesses.

“I can’t say how proud I am to be your brother” he expressed,

Holy hell, what is with these ponies?! Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I get the vibe that Twilight wasn’t cool before she was a princess. Newsflash, she was cool before then too! How do you think she became an alicorn in the first place?!

Anyway, Luna tells her not to worry about her nerves and Celestia starts to feel ill. Oh, now somepony notices that Celestia isn’t well. What the hell is with these characters?

“No, I’m fine” Celestia said, determined not to let this ‘drained’ feeling hold her back from her duties.

Get it, it’s a joke! Celestia is literally dying and the author is making jokes! Ha, ha, ha! God, I hate you.

So, Celestia starts having a headache, but Cadence is able to heal her using her magic.

"Here princess, let me help.” said Cadence rushing up to her aunt.”

Wait… Did Cadence just say what she was going to do? Who the hell proofread this?! A three year old?! No, I take that back! I’ve seen three year olds with a better grasp on grammar than you!

Ugh! Anyway, after Celestia is healed, a black spot in the sky starts to block out the sun.  It turns out to be the moon, which Luna attempts to defend herself, but Celestia already reveals that she knows it’s not her.

“Then who’s doing this? And who would have the power to do such a thing?” questioned Twilight.”

“I have no idea”, answered Cadence.”

What the hell is with Cadence saying what she is doing? Is this some kind of new personality trait that Cadence has and I’m just hearing about it now?! And apparently, it’s contagious, since Twilight also has this problem!

Celestia says that the dark mist is heading towards Ponyville and Twilight requests to go back to help her friends. Celestia agrees and Twilight teleports back to her library home. Wait, is Twilight’s teleport that powerful that she can teleport from Canderlot (yes, I’m not letting this go) to Ponyville? I mean, if she can, that’s awesome, but I’m pretty sure she can’t. If she can, why the hell bother with transportation such as trains and balloons?

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, everypony starts panicking as the dark cloud descends upon the city.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash start to wonder what is going on, but then hear Rarity screaming. And of course, it is just a gag for Rarity to seem like a vain bitch.

“No! I’m not o.k.! I couldn’t see in this blasted darkness and I fell in a mud puddle! In my newest dress! Just look at me! This is the worst! Possible! Thing!”

Look, I know that Rarity has a tendency to overlook the big picture and focus on the little things, but come on! There is a freaking dark cloud hovering over Ponyville, threatening to destroy you all and you are worried about your fucking dress!

Fortunately, Applejack and Rainbow Dash seemed to be using their brains and berate Rarity for being vain.

“For cryin’ out loud, Rarity!” yelled Applejack. “There are much more important things to worry about than some silly old dress!”

:applejackunsure: We need to find out how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! The world must know!

Pinkie Pie then mysteriously appears… And I really do mean mysteriously.

“Pinkie Pie?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Where’d you come from?”

“I don’t know.” she admitted.

What the fuck? Look, I know Pinkie Pie isn’t the most easily understood characters, but there has got to be some logic to her! How does she not know how she got there?! Did you just drop her there on the page or something?! She can break the fourth wall, you know! So her response would have been…

:pinkiehappy: I just was written into this scene by the author, even though I will serve no purpose to the overall plot whatsoever.

Thank you, Pinkie Pie. And let’s keep moving.

Twilight then appears in Ponyville, I guess she does have the power to teleport from Ponyville to Canderlot. Makes you wonder why Celestia needs to travel in a coach then.

Anyway, they rush off to find Fluttershy, who’s… house has been chained up? … I don’t know.

Anyway, they break in and find Fluttershy unconscious. When she doesn’t awaken, Rainbow Dash acts like a dick.

“Fluttershy! Angel’s hurt!” fibbed Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy instantly regained her sense and color. “Oh no! Angel!” Fluttershy stole Angel away from Rainbow and examined him carefully. “Thank Celestia you’re safe. Rainbow!” she said in a cross manner. “Why’d you lie to me?”

"Sorry, but we had to snap you out of it somehow.” replied Rainbow.

:rainbowderp: Fluttershy, Angel is hurt!

:fluttershysad: Really?

:rainbowlaugh: Just fucking with you!

:rainbowderp: Fluttershy, Applejack is having sex with Big MacIntosh!

:fluttercry: Really?

:rainbowlaugh: Got you again!

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie jumped into Ghastly Gorge and just committed suicide.

:flutterrage: Fuck you, Rainbow Dash! I’m not falling for that again!

So, they ask Fluttershy what happened to her.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and explained. “I was in town doing some shopping, when I saw the sky was getting dark. I said to myself, there’s no way its night time already! But then I looked up and saw the sun being covered by huge black ball. I was getting frightened, then I saw the shape of Princess Celestia. I rushed over to see her, and I found out.” She said in dark tone. “I-It wasn’t her.”

Youtube Video

Wait, if you were in town, how the hell are you in your cottage? Did your body take a trip during the middle of your faint attack? Did whatever attacked you pick you up and carry you home? If so, that’s pretty courteous.

Anyway, the group sprints off to find the Elements of Harmony to combat whatever the thing is that attacked them.

Zecora appears at Fluttershy’s cottage, but says that she is too late because the group already left. Wait… How did Zecora know they were even there? How did she know that they were ALL there?! Was she just waiting outside for them and is just too stupid to figure out they left?! Did she take a nap outside Fluttershy’s house as they walked in?

Did she see them leave?! If so, why did she bother walking into the cottage at all?! If she knew they weren’t there, why the hell did she go in after she saw them leave?!

Twilight and the others arrive at Canderlot and ask Celestia for the Elements of Harmony. Celestia says that she’s already extracted them from the Tree of Harmony. (God, I really need to find time to watch season 4) and Twilight and her friends prepare to face off against whatever is attacking.

However, Celestia and Luna offer to join them, believing that what they are facing is more dangerous than what they’ve encountered before.

They leave Cadence and Shining Armor to look after the Crystal Empire and Canderlot while their away. They teleport to another location with Shining Armor thinking.

Good luck Twily, and be safe. He prayed.

And then in the next sentence, same damn paragraph, Celestia gets shot by a dark magic.

There stood a replica of Celestia, except for few minor details. Her body color was blacker than a raven, her eyes and armor were blood red, her mane color started with red and slowly faded to black. Her cutie mark was a skull and cross bones and she wore a familiar amulet.

And then we get a Youtube video. That’s right, a Youtube video in the middle of the story! WHY?!

There is no reason to put a Youtube video in your story! This is especially bad since I don’t have access to the video as it says it is private! So, this dramatic moment where we reveal our villain is interrupted because I have to scroll past the video (that won’t even play) to get to the next part of the story, taking me out of the dramatic situation.

I would show you guys what is on the video, most likely something stupid and pointless, but I can’t. So I’ll just show you what I think the video is probably about.

Youtube Video

Thank god for Homer Simpson.

So, it turns out that the creature that attacked them was none other than Nightmare Moon. Twilight and the others confront Nightmare Moon and ask what her plans are. Notice how they don’t bother asking how she came to be, most likely because the author doesn’t care to explain it.

Anyway, Nightmare Moon explains how she found the Alicorn Amulet and explains how she took it from Zecora.

“Oh don’t worry.” Nightmare Moon interrupted. “I didn’t harm her… too much.”

All the ponies greeted their teeth in anger.

:flutterrage: You stupid teeth! You owe me money!

:twilightangry2: How wonderful to see you, teeth! Let me get my dental equipment!

Nightmare Moon boasts about how she is going to turn the world into eternal night, when Twilight response with…

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” interrupted Twilight. “Let’s just fast forward to the part where we beat and get back to our lives.

As badass as that was, that seems a little out of character for Twilight. Rainbow Dash would probably say something like that, but I have a hard time seeing Twilight saying this. Still what do I care? It’s probably the best point in the story so far.

Anyway, Twilight and the others gather up and use the Elements of Harmony on Nightmare Moon, naturally destroying her and they all live happily ever…

The girls were dumbstruck; Nightmare Moon blocked their most powerful attack like it was nothing!

Um… okay then. There is usually a word that goes into this type of situation… What was that word? Hm… Oh, yeah, I remember.

Look, I’m pretty sure that the Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but enough to block out the Elements of Harmony? That’s a pretty big thing to swallow for me, since they used it against Discord, a freaking god of chaos, and he was still turned to stone, despite how incredibly powerful he was! This doesn’t make any kind of sense, even if the Alicorn Amulet was combined with Nightmare Moon, she would still have to be able to manipulate reality in a way that Discord couldn’t. And need I remind you, Discord could pretty much change anything into whatever he wanted with just a twitch of his pinkie!

Zecora comes in and tells the characters what we already know, making her completely pointless. And then she is asked to hide by Applejack and she does so, making her useless as well.

Seriously, you can’t make her rhyme, she’s providing information that the characters already know, and now she is cowering before an enemy; why is she even in this story?!

Celestia attempts to attack the creature, but finds out her magic have been drained.

Now, some of you may be chanting, “Celestia is composed of good magic. Maybe that’s why she’s immune to the Elements of Harmony” And that’s a valid point… Except that, Luna was also corrupted by Nightmare Moon and was freed using the Elements of Harmony. The Elements should have still wiped out Nightmare Moon and free Celestia’s magic!

Again, this is stupid!

Also, they are finding this out now? Here’s a good question for the author, if Celestia didn’t have her magic, how the hell did she raise the sun? Consistency! You suck at it!

How dare you do that to our Princess, you wicked beast!” yelled Twilight. Nightmare Moon gave the small alicorn a venomous glare. “What did you say?” she asked in a threatening voice.

Yeah, that second quote there, that was Nightmare Moon speaking. I’ll bet you thought it was Twilight, didn’t you? What? Did you think that a new paragraph would start every time a new character spoke, making it infinitely easier for the reader to keep track of when one character starts and another character ends? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Anyway, Nightmare Moon attacks them and knocks them all to the ground.

“Oh! Look at me!” cried Rarity, “Now I look worse than my dress!”

Rarity, there is a monster that is trying to kill you! And you want to worry about your messed up appearance! You sound like a Mykan character!

[img]http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/692b82876a9c93a505b96a9cc35665d3/http://i1156.photobucket.com/albums/p570/bolemis/tumblr_liapt6Ufzq1qaha6c.gif[/img]

Okay, Rarity, that was a low, low blow. And I am so, so very sorry. Please, don’t cry. Please, Rarity. You know you’re my second favorite character in the show, right? I know you’re not this vain. It’s this author! He’s terrible! Please, don’t cry…

[email protected]

There’s my email address. Feel free to flame me. I totally deserve it.

So, Nightmare Moon takes the Elements of Harmony away from the characters and destroys them. This would be a problem, if she didn’t already do that in the first episode… and it didn’t work there either!

Anyway, Nightmare Moon laughs as she proclaims power over Equestria.

“How ironic, the very magic you use to protect all of Equestria is now the source of the power that will extinguish the light FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Pfft… I’m sorry could you say that again!

FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Okay, now Pinkie Pie!

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Now, SpongeBob!

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Now, you and SpongeBob!

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Now, Pinkie Pie again!

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I love my job!

Luna and Twilight decide to take another shot at Nightmare Moon, clearly not realizing that probably running and gathering a new plan would be better, but whatever. They fire a magical blast that hits Nightmare Moon and the resulting shockwave rushes towards the others, but Celestia shields them with her own body.

Thank you very much princess.” said Fluttershy.

“You’re, welcome young one.” replied Celestia as she was battered by the winds.

:trollestia: I’m think, I’m, going, Shatner.

Nightmare Moon laughed in victory. “I told you.” She said mockingly. “Now that I possess the power of both the sun and moon, I’m invincible!”

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Yeah, she’s the bad guy, but if it ends this story quicker, I’m down with it.

So, Luna and Twilight are defeated by the more powerful Nightmare Moon and are forced to retreat before Nightmare Moon can finish them off. Which means that the story will be even longer. Huzzah…

Nightmare Moon feeling that they are no longer a threat to her, rushes off to Tartarus to release all the evil creatures trapped inside.

“Using her magic, she shrank the canine down to the size of a puppy. Frightened by her intensive power, the tiny guard scampered away leaving the gate of the underworld exposed. All the dark creatures immediately clambered to the doors desperately trying to escape.

Yes, apparently Nightmare Moon is now monologuing to herself, explaining everything that she is doing. Though there is no end quote here, so frankly it tells me she never stopped.

“You want out?” asked Nightmare Moon. “Okaaaaaay.”

Well, at least she didn’t say ‘Okey Dokie’.

James Cameron’s Spider-Man movie review… It’s here, check it out.

Anyway, back at Canderlot, Shining Armor is attempting to bring order to the castle, when Twilight and the others return. They explain what happened during their battle with Nightmare Moon and show him the remains of the Elements of Harmony, saying that their powers are now useless.

Even though in the first episode she did the exact same thing and they were fine, but whatever.

Luna sends a message to the Crystal Empire in order to get Princess Cadence to come back to Canterlot. Even though, it would have been easier to teleport there since there doesn’t seem to be a limit on the range she can teleport, but hey, no thought was put into this story so far.

"I hope she gets it soon, the longer she keeps that amulet, the more evil she becomes.” thought Luna.

Yes, because attempted murder and releasing all the beings in Tartarus clearly isn’t evil enough. Now chimney sweeps? That’s evil!

So, because this chapter clearly wasn’t long enough, we then cut to Cadence who is reading about what happened, last scene! It’s a complete recap of the things that happened before! We just read this! Why am I being forced to read it again?!

“It’s to explain it to Cadence.”

Having her read the letter is enough to let her know! You don’t need to go into details about the contents of the letter when we just saw what happened!

Anyway, after reading the letter, Shining Armor and Twilight appear behind her. Wait, then what was the fucking point of sending the letter?! If you were just going to teleport there, why bother with a letter at all?!

They ask Cadence to help with the restoration of Celestia’s power, and Cadence promises to do everything she can.

“Cadence.” Put in Shining.

Put in Shining? What are they going to watch that horror movie with Jack Nicholson in it?

“Oh! And I love you.” added the Prince.

“I love you too Shiny.” She giggled as the two shared a brief kiss. “Alright Twilight, let’s do this.” she breathed.

Seriously, Cadence giggled here? I know that the two are husband and wife. I don’t have a problem with that, but her aunt is dying. I don’t think she would be giggling right now, no matter who was kissing her. The reactions to these situations really feel off.

Cadence arrives and starts to heal Celestia with the other characters wondering what to do about Nightmare Moon. Luna explains to them about a pony she once knew who might be able to help them.

“His name is…Ninja.”

In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to name a child. It didn’t leave him with many careers he could pursue.

Ninja: But I don’t want to be a ninja. I want to be a doctor and help people!

Ninja’s Mom: Now, son, we’ve been through this! Your father and I named you what you are so you could love the night, love sneaking around, and love assassinating people!

Ninja: You never think about what I want! I want to be a doctor, but they won’t take anyone named Dr. Ninja!

Ninja’s Mom: We all have our path in life.

Ninja: This path sucks!

And so does this story.

“Yes.” answered Luna. “He was a ‘special’ friend of mine when my sister and I were growing up. He is a master of the deadly martial arts as well as magic.”

Little known fact, Equestria actually represented Feudal Japan before Luna was banished, with a constant struggle between Celestia’s samurai against Luna’s ninja clan.

I don’t want to see anyone writing a story about this!

Luna’s cheeks began to glow pink. “He is a very powerful and kind stallion, who not only understood my night, but enjoyed it. We met one night when I was raising the moon. He was performing some type of dark magical spell; that sparked my curiosity, so after I was done, I went to investigate."

Turns out that he was a cultist too. He brought into the world the most dangerous creature in all of the My Little Pony Universe. The Brony (Brony is the property of Hasbro… Apparently)

The other mares began to wonder what she met by ‘continued’, but she gave a reassuring glance that terminated any dirty thoughts.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. You might as well have put a big sign over your head saying “I let him screw me every night!”

“He also told me how he is the guardian of a secret power that nopony else knows about.”

Because I would just tell my girlfriend about the stuff that I’m not supposed to tell anyone about. And thus if my enemies found out that she knew would most likely target her to make her tell them what this power is! I’m such a good boyfriend!

Anyway, Luna explains that Ninja’s last known location was in the mountains beyond Canderlot, though she isn’t exactly sure where.

“But right now, it is the only other source of power we have left.” said Luna.

Uh… No, it isn’t. You still have Discord. I know I haven’t seen season four, but I’m pretty sure he’s still an ally in early season 4. Like I said, the guy can alter reality on a whim. I’m pretty sure he can handle Nightmare Moon. It’s like he doesn’t even exist in this story!

Princess Celestia asks Twilight and her friends to find Ninja and the power he guards.

You must go, for ‘it’ is our last hope.

Are you trying to put emphasis on the word ‘it’? Because if so, than the way you did it makes it sound like Celestia is being sarcastic. Usually, if you want to put an emphasis on a word, you use italics it.  For example, This story really sucks.

The way you wrote it would be like me saying; “This story is ‘great’.” Great at being a piece of shit!

Twilight agrees to go and her friends agree to travel with her.

“With the fate of fashion in jeopardy, how can I refuse?” asked Rarity.

Ugh, I’m beginning to think that this author has only seen 3 second videos of Rarity and never actually watched an episode with her.

“We’re on ya like apples on an apple tree.” added Applejack

Ewww….

The yellow Pegasus looked out the royal window at the endless black night that the dark mare had created. After a moment, she closed her eyes and turned back to her friends in a defeated manner. “Twilight.” she began. “This is… just too scary.” She confessed. The girls couldn’t believe what they just heard.

“But Fluttershy, I…”

Fluttershy raised one hoof in the air to silence Twilight mid-speech. “Which is all the more reason why I’m in.”

“You’re serious?” asked Twilight.

“Of course. I could never leave any of you or my animal friends in the dark.” All the ponies ran over to the yellow Pegasus and embraced her.

“You’re very brave Fluttershy.” commended Celestia.

What the hell was the point of that?! I know Fluttershy isn’t the bravest pony, but come on! Did we really need this scene?! Not only does it make Fluttershy look like an ass, but it also doesn’t fit her. She has always been with her friends when they go on dangerous missions. I know she’s a coward, but she would never abandon her friends.

And that makes this scene really stupid!

The group begins to gather supplies and make their way to the mountains.

“I’m positive.” replied Luna. “Trust me when I tell you he is the purest pony I know. Not to the mention the most handsome. She added silently.

Celestia: You know I can hear you, right?

Luna: Luna looked up to the sky and thought to herself, “He’s the most handsome, and powerful, and wonderful, and greatest sex partner I ever had. And then Luna remembered the best sex they ever had-

Celestia: Okay, Luna, time to take your pills.

Anyway, we cut back to the main six where they arrive at the mountain, where they attempt to scale it. When Rarity… oh, Christ.

Rarity pulls out a series of clothes for them to wear. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have no issues with Rarity making clothes for them. However, this story decides to describe to us every little detail about the clothes, which are each specially designed for each individual character. Why am I angry about this?

What the fucking hell does this have to do with the story?! Seriously, we have an evil force that is out and about, doing whatever the hell it wants, there is a mystical force that our heroes are supposed to find when they have no idea where to look, and you want to take us away from that part of the story, to describe to us what kind of earmuffs Twilight is wearing?!

That’s not good storytelling! It kills the tension of the story by interrupting it with pointless information that doesn’t further the plot or give us insight to the characters or situation!

Anyway, the group gathers up their supplies and makes their way up the mountain.

Without the heat of the sun, the journey up the mountain proved difficult for the mares, but they struggled on.

And that is apparently how difficult it was for them. How difficult was it? Why, it was so difficult, they… um… uh… they… Actually, how was this journey difficult for them? Did they get lost? Were they cold? Did one of them break their leg? Did they run into Mel Gibson? What the hell made this journey difficult?!

So the group continues to make their way up the mountain with Rarity saying…

“Are we there yet?” asked Rarity after an hour.

“No, not yet.” answered Applejack.

(Five minutes later) “How about now?” repeated the fashion designer.

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See? I can do that too. It’s called a quick laugh. Something that this story makes me do… and not for the reasons you think.

So, I guess, after an hour of hiking, they finally reach the top of the mountain. You know, because climbing something like this

Is as easy as walking to your local grocery store.

We then get another scene of where Rarity is shown to be incredibly vain by complaining about her sweat on her body.

Rarity was able to put aside her love for her skin to be with her little sister and do something that she wanted to do! The Sisterhooves Social!

She was able to ignore the fact that she was covered in dirt and was able to outwit a group of diamond dogs that kidnapped her! A Dog and Pony Show!

She dunked her head in a pile of garbage to make sure Pinkie Pie didn’t learn about the party that they were throwing for her! Party of One!

Rarity has been able to overcome her vanity for the sake of her friends and family and when the situation calls for it! But what would I expect from someone who can’t even spell Canterlot right?!

Anyway, they find out that a part of the mountain is illusion as Twilight passes right through it. The others follower and they find themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

I’m not kidding.

Inside the mountain, the girls found themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

Every sentence I read is like more of my brain is melting out of my skull.

Anyway, they begin to explore the cave, when suddenly they accidently activate a series of traps. A spear trap threatens to impale Twilight, but luckily Rainbow Dash saves her just in time… Only for them to get in another trap. The classic moving spiked walls trap.

No, Spike, you never appear in this story again.

Yeah, I know, you get neglected all the time, don’t you?

They escape with Twilight making a hole in one of the walls, however Applejack gets a small cut during their escape. Rarity, however, says that she’s got a first aid kit at the ready.

“Told you I backed everything essential.” After cleaning Applejack’s cut, Rarity wrapped up her cut.

I don’t even want to know what ‘backed’ everything essential means. Unless, it’s like backing up things on your computer, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

We then get another pointless scene of Fluttershy being extremely cowardly, not remembering why they are even there to begin with and what is at stake, all for the sake of ‘dramatic tension’ even though it makes no goddamn sense!

When suddenly they activate another trap, as the ceiling starts to slowly descend upon them. They manage to make it out except for the tip of Rarity’s tail, which gets crushed by the ceiling. The manage to cut Rarity loose, but she starts whinny about her tail, even though in the second episode of the series, she was willing to cut off her tail, with no issues. But if it isn’t obvious by now, the author hates Rarity and Fluttershy. Oddly enough, those are my two favorite characters in the show. So, as you can imagine, I don’t take this well.

Look, if you don’t like Rarity or Fluttershy, that’s fine. We all have our opinion on who is best pony. But just because you hate a character, doesn’t mean you have to write them out of character or write them as stupid or as whiny! These characters don’t act like the characters I enjoy watching or reading about! They act like stereotypes of the characters I enjoy watching and reading about! And it makes the author look like he doesn’t respect the characters that he is writing about!

So, Pinkie Pie gets caught in a web, it doesn’t really explain how since it is a cobweb and it is most likely it would be right in front of her and she’d probably have to be too stupid to see it, but hey, it’s clear that the only character this author likes is Luna, so all other characters have to be morons, right?

They then get attack by blades, but Twilight is able to get them out of it using a spell. My god, the pacing on this is awful. It just goes from one trap to the other without giving us a moment to catch our breath. It doesn’t allow the story to breathe at all and just jumps us from one scene to the next.

“Twi?” questioned Applejack. “Why can’t I feel any ground?” Everypony looked down; they were standing on nothing. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie and Fluttershy fell straight down; leaving Rainbow and Twilight hovering

Yes, because gravity works until you don’t realize you have no ground under you.

Rule 8: Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy save them (I would question Fluttershy’s lack of remember she is a Pegasus, but in the show she has shown that her wings betray her when she is scared, so I’ll let it slide) and they run into ANOTHER TRAP!

Jesus, I feel like I should have Admiral Ackbar on repeat!

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I made to 5 seconds and I had more fun in that 5 seconds than in the time I wasted reading this.

“You know?” asked Pinkie. “I’m starting to think this is a ‘booby trap party’.”

“Yeah, and I’m hoping that was that last one.” expressed Rainbow.

“Me too.” breathed Fluttershy. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

You and me both, Fluttershy.

So they come across a bridge where absolutely nothing happens, except good character development and the character’s thoughts on what has been going on so far. Oh, wait. I wished that’d happened.

No, of course, what happens is the bridge, it turns out, is, saying it with me kids, a trap! God! You are doing nothing here that is interesting! The first trap was nice, the second trap was okay, the third was annoying, and everything after that was painful!

They escape that thanks to Twilight’s teleportation powers and run into… Oh, fuck. Another fucking trap! Really?!

Dunsparce! Take me with you!

So, they make it through the trap. Gee, it’s almost like we’ve seen this before. Ten times already! Ten fucking times! My god, not even Mykan was this repetitive! (… Wow, I’ve been surprisingly nice to him in this review. I should probably stop that.)

And we get another scene of Fluttershy being a coward. How many scenes do we need of this?! We’ve had 3 scenes like this in the story already! Why do we need another one?! Is Fluttershy conquering her fear multiple times such a vital point in the story?! She’s already conquered her fear of going with them up the mountain, she’s already conquered her fear of pressing forward despite the traps, and now we just saw a scene where in the face of another trap, she conquers her fear.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for character development, but it feels like for all the ‘conquering’ she does, she never actually learns anything or gets any less afraid! It feels like pointless dramatic tension! Now, you might be arguing, “Fluttershy had the same thing going for her in the ‘Dragonshy’ episode.”

One, in the episode, Fluttershy is terrified to go up the mountain because of the dragon. Not because it is high or that there were unknown dangers. She was terrified of dragons. That was the only reason she was afraid to go up there. She didn’t want to follow through with the other trails, because she knew in the end, she would have to encounter the dragon. That’s why each time she conquered the tasks it was attributed to her character and ultimately ended with her facing her greatest fear.

This doesn’t do that! It’s just random fears with no end point! With no ultimate goal in mind!

Ugh! I hate this story.

“Hopefully that was the last trap.” said Rarity.

Even the characters in the story are begging you to stop with the traps! Will you though? What do you think the answer is people who are reading this? I’ll give you a hint; it’s not what I would do.

Suddenly, a loud rumble sounded from behind. The girls peered into the darkness and giant boulder came rolling toward them.

Thank you, Spider-Man.

Now, let’s move on before I shoot someone.

Speaking of shooting, they enter another room where a hail of arrows come straight for them.

THIS IS THE LONGEST STORY I’VE EVER READ! AND IT’S ONLY 15000 FUCKING WORDS!

So, they make it through that trap and Pinkie Pie says the smartest thing this story has said yet.

“Yeah.” replied Pinkie heavily. “It stopped being fun, after the first twenty.”

Understatement of the fucking millennium! Pinkie Pie, you are now my favorite pony!

They finally, FINALLY, make it to some kind of Asian alter where they met with the character, Ninja, who apparently speaks in nothing but rhymes.

“Does he know Zacora?” asked Applejack.

I don’t know who the fuck Zacora is?! Is he or she a new character in all this?! Is he from Canderlot?! Is Zecora his sister?! Does he speak in rhyme?! Does he make hundreds of traps all for the sake of making his story pointlessly longer?!

Sir, you’re rambling now. I think you’ve made you point.

Have I, Computer? Have I fucking really made my fucking point?!

Yes, you have. And this review is going on far too long.

… Huff… You’re right. Let’s just try to finish this as quickly as possible.

Anyway, they enter the room and are treated by a group of ninja ponies, who heal their wounds instantly. Wonderful, those traps were utterly pointless.

And they finally get to meet Ninja. And then we get another YouTube video. That’s right. Another pointless video. And guess what? I can’t show you what’s on the video since it is still considered private! What the hell?! Why do you need a video in this story?!

Is it to create dramatic tension? A dramatic reveal of the Ninja character?! Well, why not just have the dramatic reveal speak for itself, rather than using music to add to it?! I realize that music does have the power to build on a scene and often times readers will listen to music while they read. I understand this.

I also understand that listening to music while writing is a way to convey the scene better in your mind. I myself practice that.

My issue here is that not only does the video not play, but this is a written story! The story should be able to stand on its own merits! Without the aid of music! The scenes can be more powerful with music, but the scenes should be powerful regardless!

And using a YouTube video to add dramatic tension to a situation?! Who does that?!

Sir, I am pregnant with your child.

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… Wait, how are you pregnant? You’re a computer.

Don’t kill the dramatic moment.

So, Ninja greets the main six and welcomes them into his home, telling them that they are the only ones who made it through the series of traps.

“It turns out that everypony that attempted to pass through the traps committed suicide after about the third one. And not for the reasons you might think”

“Five hundred and sixty six have tried, and they all perished.”

Fun Fact: Ninja’s favorite song. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

“Many were strong, but not wise; while the others were wise, but not strong enough. To control this power you must be balanced in wisdom, courage and power. But most of all, they must be, pure.”

That’s right. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, and the savior of Equestria, has a body count of 566. I feel so much better knowing that he is around.

Anyway, he believes that because they survived the traps, they are pure enough to entrust the power to. Even though it only took survival skills to survive the traps and even someone with an impure heart could have made it through the traps given enough skill, but whatever.

He begins chatting some magic words and gives them the power of the shadow warrior and transforms them into ninjas.

“Now.” He began. “Form a circle around me and join hooves, for your journey now begins.” The mares did as they were told. “Close your eyes and concentrate, I shall guide on your quest for knowledge and power.” As they girls closed their eyes, Ninja began chanting an ancient spell. “Older than time itself, earth has always known the calling, might of the light, the strength of the soul, ignite this eternal power inside of me! I am, Shinobi! I am pure of heart, mind, body and spirit, join with me now as I unite the spirits of the ancient past inside the souls of these future warriors, so that they may fight with the one true power of…THE SHADOW WARRIOR!”

“Your journey is complete, open your eyes and behold your new ninja powers!”

This sounds like something from Power Rangers.

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Oh, my god! This is from Power Rangers!

What you just saw in the video is what you see in the story. The same ritual, same monologue, same ninja powers given to the main six!

This is especially humorous since at the beginning of this chapter, we get this author’s note.

Author's Note:

Some things are from DBZ.

You can’t even get the name of the show you are ripping off right.

So, the girls are blessed with ninja powers and are given the knowledge of martial arts, through a simple ritual, taking away the years of training and discipline it takes to become a true martial arts master. What a fucking load.

Anyway, with the magical powers of the ninja at their side, the main six travel back to Canderlot in the hopes of stopping Nightmare Moon.

We cut to Nightmare Moon, who is continuing to destroy the city of Ponyville with her monsters from Tartarus. However, she grows bored with Ponyville and decides to turn her attention to Canderlot. Why didn't you start with that?

However, the main six ninjas arrive and threaten Nightmare Moon with their new powers. Nightmare Moon isn’t impressed however and creates an army of monsters to attack… Wait. Let me see if I read this right. Hold on.

“Don’t worry; I brought some new friends of mine for you little foals.” At that moment, hundreds of her freaky concocted monsters swarmed up behind her.

concocted

concocted

Oh, you have got to be shitting me! In the first chapter of the story, she released the army of darkness from Tartarus! And now she’s creating her own army of monsters?! When the hell was that?! Consistency, please!

The main six battle the creatures and easily overpower them. When suddenly, Ninja arrives to help them in battle. Why the hell didn’t he just go with them? Ninja element of surprise and all that, but if he was just going to do this anyway, why didn’t he start by taking off Nightmare Moon’s head?!

It would have made this story end quicker, that’s why.

So, the monsters start to swarm our heroes and now begins the perfect moment to show case all of the ninja powers as quickly as possible. Rainbow Dash can apparently shoot a giant rainbow beam from her hooves!

Applejack can apparently grow weapons like swords and axes… from apple seeds? …

Pinkie Pie can create earthquakes by punching the ground. Rarity can shoot fire… out of her mouth?

Huh? Apparently, Rarity is a Kirin. That explains the SpikeXRarity shipping. I mean…you know… besides the show itself.

“What’s a Kirin?”

Fluttershy, while trying to save an innocent mouse who gets killed by one of the monsters, turns into a psychopath, who drinks the blood of her enemies and tears them apart mercilessly.

Jesus Christ!

I know Fluttershy would be upset about this, but this is extremely out of character for her!

And finally Twilight has the ability to make her enemies spontaneously combust.

The enemies start to flee when Nightmare Moon tells them to regroup.

“This is getting a little boring.” added Applejack

No, this has been boring for a while. It’s just even more so now.

Anyway, the students of Ninja appear and help turn the tide of battle, even though Twilight and her friends were clearly handing it themselves. Why do they need help?

Anyway, we cut back to Canderlot where Luna and Celestia are worried about Twilight and her friends. They receive a message that Nightmare Moon’s forces are being attacked by a group of ninjas. Feeling that Ninja is among them, Luna rushes out to see him.

The moon nodded to her niece and teleported out.

LUNA! HER NAME IS LUNA! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THEM FANCY NAMES TO SAY WHO THEY ARE! I DON’T GO AROUND CALLING MYSELF ‘The most handsome, bravest, most awesome stallion in the world’

For the record, no one would call you that.

Wow, you are on one today.

You bring out the worst in me, sir.

Anyway, our heroes watch as Ninja wipes out the army of enemies controlled by Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon attacks the main six, but they prove too powerful for her to handle and force her to retreat.

However, before she can get far, Luna appears and threatens Nightmare Moon.

Luna wielded a blue axe while Nightmare Moon chose a black scythe.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Wow, that was an awesome fight seen! Why, I feel like it’s on par with this fight scene!

Fucking Fall of the Empire’s got nothing on this fanfic!

After an ‘awesome’ fight scene (see what I did there, author), Luna gets pinned down and Nightmare Moon is about to unleash the killing blow. However, Ninja arrives to stop her from killing the mare he loves.

You know, something to note here. When the author starts writing about Ninja and what he does, he goes into detail with how badass he apparently is. However, when writing about Luna, all she gets is…

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Show, don’t tell!

Ugh! Is it almost over yet?

Ninja and Nightmare Moon battle each other for a brief moment, but Ninja proves superior to her in every way. Then Nightmare Moon merges the Alicorn Amulet into her body and transforms into a tentacle monster.

… Wait what?

Meanwhile, Twilight and the others battle the clones, who prove to be incredibly difficult. I would ask how they are difficult, but that would only make the story longer. Twilight sees Nightmare Moon’s transformation and decides that they should finish off the clones quickly in order to help out Ninja.

Okay, now here’s a great dilemma. Twilight and her friends are having a hard time overcoming the clones that Nightmare Moon created to escape and now Luna and Ninja are in peril and they need to save them. Let’s see how creative and brilliant they can get to figure this out.

The six mares once again tapped into their new powers, causing their necklaces to glow. The girls transferred a load of power to their hooves and struck each of the one of the clones so hard that they exploded into dust. Finally free of their troublesome opponents, the girls charged toward the vile beast.

That… was … LAME!

Twilight and the others arrived to save Ninja and Luna, but are unable to get close enough to attack Nightmare Moon.

“This is going nowhere.” thought Twilight as she continued to dodge the strikes.

Precisely, what I was thinking.

Twilight comes up with a plan to attack Nightmare Moon and unleashes a flurry of ‘punches’ at her.

“Owwwwww.” The black mutant began to tumble, as she struck the ground, she returned back to her original state;

Wait, did Nightmare Moon just say ‘ow’?

Huh? I wonder what other villains would sound like if they said ‘ow?”

“Owwwwww.”

You’re a meany head! I’m telling my mommy on you!

However, it seems that Nightmare Moon is still alive and well as she starts to rematerialize. Ninja tells the girls to use their most powerful attack to defeat her.

And what kind of awesome attack will they use?!

This is a troll-fic. That’s it. That’s the only explanation for this story to exist. It’s a troll fic. Between the overly lengthy traps, no effort being put into it, YouTube videos surrounding it, and the blatant rip-off of the most popular energy beam in all of fiction.

I dub this story, Troll-fic.

So after Broly gets obliterated by Goku, we see that the moon is finally able to free the sun and it begins to warm everything up.

They have a celebration where our heroes are honored, another YouTube video that we can’t see and we have Ninja confess his love for Luna.

Luna: You never call! You never write! And the only time I ever see you is in terrible stories like this!

Ninja: But, Luna-

Luna: Tia was right. I should have married that other stallion.

You’re damn right, you should have.

This story sucks. It’s not as bad as other stories I’ve read on the site, but man is it littered with problems.

The grammar and spelling is inconsistent. Sometimes you’ll have good both and the next minute you’ll be wondering if he even looked at it before posting it.

The plot is bizarre. While I’m not opposed to the characters becoming ninjas, it comes straight out of left field. I know the character’s name is Ninja, but how does that translate into the Main Six becoming ninjas?

The layout of the traps went on for way, way too long! It should have ended after the second or third one, but no. It just kept going and going and going.

The fight scenes were lame, the villain was inconsistent, being overly powerful in one scene and then could barely fight the heroes in the next. I have no problem with the hero getting stronger and thus the villain is less of a challenge for them, but at least make it interesting.

The sad thing is, the story had potential. It started out as a bad, but not terrible fic, with the characters actually being in character (for the most part. I still question Rarity and Fluttershy) and an interesting, but weird, set up. And then it turns into this boring and uninteresting story about traps that aren’t mentioned again and ultimately play no large part in the story.

Ninja is a bland, boring character. He’s not the worst OC I’ve seen, but that doesn’t make him good. His relationship with Luna is never gone into depth and we only see their chemistry for two scenes! And they barely even look at each other.

All and all, not a good fic. I would stray away from this one, as this is another example of interesting premise, poor execution. Have a good day, guys.

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Cameron's Ponyville Misadventures

He sat in his favorite spot on the floor, reading the next story for his review. His mind boggled at the sheer terror of the story he was reading. The piss poor characters and the terrible pacing seemed to make this story longer than most he’d read. He started praying for something to take him from this story and distract him long enough to keep his sanity.

Suddenly, as if some golden god had heard his silent prayer, a knock came at the door. Who the hell could that be? He picked himself off the ground and made his way to the front door. He stepped to the side of the door, hiding behind it as he opened it. The last time he opened the door for a stranger, he got socked in the snout by an anthropomorphic freak. He wasn’t about to let that happen again.

He slowly opened the door, staying as close to the door as he could, keeping his face hidden. He waited until a single stallion trotted into the room. The stallion glanced around him as if looking for something. “Um… hello?”

Critique tackled the stallion to the floor. The brown package the stallion had been carrying flew across the floor. Critique pinned the stallion to the floor. “Who are you?!” he shouted. “What are you doing in my house?!”

“Sir,” Computer replied. “He is a delivery pony! He is just bringing a package!”

The stallion, his eyes widened and sweat coming from his face, nodded, shaking his head up and down several times. “Please listen to the strange voice coming from the walls.”

Critique glared at the stallion on the ground, examining his uniform. It certainly looked like a delivery pony. He looked at his face again, the stallion was shaking as he tilted his head back, as if he was trying to get away from him.

Critique moved away from him. “Alright.” Then he pointed to him. “But don’t think I’m not watching you!”

The stallion reached for his saddlebag, pulling out a paper and pen. “I-I just need you to sign this.”

Critique ripped the paper from the stallion’s grip and examined it. It was a simple shipping paper, containing an agreement for him to claim the package. Critique stole the pen from the stallion and quickly signed his name.

He held out the pen and paper when he finished. The stallion snatched them from him and darted for the doorway. As the stallion disappeared from sight, the Critique closed the door to his house. “I wonder what the hell his problem was?”

“Sir, you attacked him,” Computer responded.

The Critique made his way to the brown package on the floor and looked up. “He was trespassing!”

“You opened the door for him!” The Critique figured if Computer had eyes, they would be glaring at him.

“Details.” He looked at the shipping label to and read it carefully, curious as to who would send him a package. The label stated that it came from Canterlot. He began tearing off the tape to the package, allowing him to open it. His mouth dropped as he revealed what was inside. “Oh, yes!”

He pulled out the shotgun from its confines and smiled. “Oh, baby! This is a beauty!” He closely examined it. “I could do some major damage with this bad boy!” Suddenly, Computer’s robotic arm emerged from the wall and stole the shotgun from Critique. The Critique’s mouth dropped as he watched Computer pulled the shotgun into the wall. “Hey, give that back!”

“I am sorry, sir, but I do not trust you with a weapon like this.”

Critique narrowed his brow, insulted by the Computer’s comment. “What the hell?! I’m perfectly trustworthy!”

Computer would have surely rolled her eyes, if she had any. “Princess Celestia does not trust you with a dangerous weapon and rightfully so. That is why this has taken so long.”

Critique tilted his head and raised his eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“For the past three weeks, I have been in contact with Princess Celestia. I have been trying to convince her to allow you the use of a firearm.” Critique shook his head and painted a look of disbelief on his face. “She was incredibly reluctant, due to your impulsiveness. However, I did finally manage to convince her, so long as you promised to use it responsibly.”

Critique scoffed. “I would use it responsibly!”

“So you would not use it on the neighbor’s dogs that constantly keep you up at night?”

Critique was silent for a moment. He glanced to the left and then to his right, as if he was looking for somepony to answer the question. “To be fair, I’d be doing this part of the city a public service.”

“Sure you would, sir.”

Critique threw his hooves in the air and shouted at the ceiling. “Oh, come on! They’re annoying as shit!”

“No. I promised Princess Celestia you would not abuse this weapon. You are going to keep my word, even if I must force it on you.”

Critique grumbled under his breath, calling Computer despicable names he could come up with. He slunk back to his spot on the ground, turning his attention back to his book. Maybe tearing this story apart will make me feel better.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, human in Equestria stories. What is it about these stories that make them so popular? Or rather unpopular? See, we get a ton of these kinds of stories. Most of them are terrible. However, there are a few that are quite good, with the human character being relatable, but still able to treat the canon with respect while still giving us a good story.

A story that not only doesn’t need to involve a romance with a pony character, but it shows both the good and bad sides of Equestria, without shoving either one down our throats as well as the human side of things, showing that the human world isn’t as bad as it would seem to be.

This story is not one of them, but every Human in Equestria cliché a writer can come up with. So, let’s see how ‘original’ this story can be. This is Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures by Cam187

So, we get our start of the story in first person. Oh, boy. An amateur writer writing in first person. You know this is going to suck.

Now, I’m not saying that nobody should ever write in first person or that a story should never be in first person. That’s stupid. There are some very good stories that follow that format. Hell, even a second person view can be interesting if done correctly.

However, a first person view can be very difficult to do. Which is why is easier for a young writer to start with third person. First person requires that only the person telling the story knows anything, and you can only sum up the reactions of the person telling the story.

Second person is similar in many ways, but differently. It is not often used, but it can still be used in a good story. Examples being, Choose your own adventure stories or roleplaying stories. But again, it is hard to do.

Third person view is by far the easiest for new writers, as you are an omnipresent force that sees all and hears all. You know everything going on and are able to tell the story with all the knowledge and without worrying about what a single character knows. (though there are rules that can limit a third person perspective, but I won’t get into that)

The point is, if you are a new writer and don’t have a lot of experience, a first person narrative is not a good starting point. I know there are some writers who can pull it off, but you can’t just assume you are one of them!

Anyway, we are introduced to Cameron (his name isn’t actually revealed, but we all know his name from the title) coming home from school, proclaiming that it sucked.

Yes, because our educational system is flawed. Teachers need to be paid better!

Actually, he starts complaining because he is getting bullied at school. Just like most bronies, but we’ll get into that.

As a 13-Year-Old, it's pretty tough getting bullied at school. Especially in middle school.

And what kind of bullying did our esteemed hero have to go through? What kind of torment did our bullies put him through? What troubles and perils did he face on a day to day basis?

Yeah, I have no idea… The story doesn’t make it clear what happened or what he is being bullied for. There is no explanation as to why this kid gets bullied or even what his tormentors do to him. So, we can’t connect to this character, because there is nothing solid for us to believe other than “I’m the writer and you better believe what I tell you.”

No. And I certainly won’t until you give me some solid evidence!

Anyway, we see how much of an emo Cameron is when he whines about how his life is soooo terrible!

"I'm so freakin' tired of people bullying me," I said to myself. "Why me? Why do I have glasses? Why am I the attention-grabber? Why am I such an easy target?" I almost shouted in frustration.

Hey, don’t dis the specs! Mares dig the specs!

Trust him. He’s the doctor.

So, anyway Cameron decides to go to bed and that’s the end of the prologue. And it’s not even 400 words long. Yeah, I’ve seen grocery lists that had more words on them then this prologue.

And we get a nice author’s note.

Author's Note:

This is my first FiM story, so PLEASE don't judge me.

Unwritten law of art: You reveal it, you open it to criticism. And guess what my name means?

We start Chapter 2 with our first human in Equestria cliché. A dream sequence gives us the transition to Equestria. And let’s play the Human in Equestria Drinking Game. Every time you see a cliché of these types of stories, take a shot!

He wakes up and finds out he’s not in Kansas anymore. (So honestly, who doesn’t know where the reference comes from? I promise I won’t make fun of you. Too much). He takes a look around and sees plants and animals that aren’t familiar to him. He doesn’t bother to explain what they look like as he doesn’t care what they look like. He then spots a group of mysterious creatures that chase after him. He attempts to escape but gets caught by the wolf-like creatures.

Character being attacked by Timberwolves or other creature in the forest of Everfree. Though we only wish the creatures would kill them and shorten the story.

Oh, that makes this shit storm more bearable.

However, he is rescued by a mysterious Pegasus before he passes out. He wakes up in a tent… which makes no sense as we will see… as he looks around and see our main heroes.

Cameron takes seeing six multi-colored talking ponies and a talking zebra extremely well.

Character just accepts that there are multi-colored talking ponies and talking zebras with no build up or otherwise.

And then… oh god… Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Sir, are you alright?

I’m good. … I’m good. I can handle a little alcohol.

"Even though we don't know who you are, you seem to have a very big heart." She spoke, in a rhyme.

Spoke in a rhyme? You mean ‘are’ and ‘heart’? No. Just no. Jesus, you are making the Zecora from Enter the Ninja look like a more realistic. And that’s no small feat believe me.

And another thing, how the hell do they know he has a big heart or that he is even kind or generous or helpful or nonthreatening to anyone else? They just met him! They know nothing about him! They don’t know anything about him, other than that he was being chased by Timberwolves. Does being chased by Timberwolves automatically make him a good person?!

Do bad guys have the power to just control all the evil monsters in the world or something? Because that is incredibly stupid!

Main characters trust this character even though he/she has given absolutely no reason to do so.

… Is the room spinning or is that just me?

So the characters, who, once again, completely trust this stranger who has just appeared and they know absolutely nothing about, befriend him and ask what his name is while introducing themselves.

"Howdy, Cameron." She said to me.

"Hi AJ."

… Wait a minute, why the hell would you call her AJ? You don’t know anything about these characters. You don’t know anything about their nicknames! You have never seen these characters before in your life, so how did you come up with that nickname so fast? I know that’s what many fans called her, but if you are a fan of the show, why did you need them to introduce themselves?

Twilight looked at me. "Okay. I'll take you to Princess Celestia. She can help us."

I got up. "Okay, Twi. Lead the way."

So, I guess that, this person is so ‘obviously’ trustworthy that Twilight agrees to take him to Celestia instead of figuring out the problem herself. Because hey, why should Twilight try to figure out what he is and how he got here, when you can just send him to Celestia and hope he isn’t a plot from some villain to assassinate Celestia?

That makes perfect sense!

We then get probably the funniest author’s note I’ve ever seen in my life. It is to best of all time. I mean it guys. This is the best author’s note I’ve ever seen! And I’m not just saying that because I’m tipsy.

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 is up!

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So, they get Cameron to Celestia’s castle and apparently, everypony is okay with a strange creature waltzing around with no explanation, but hey, I’m too tipsy to care.

Celestia starts to talk to Cameron and asks Twilight Sparkle to leave.

"Twilight, my faithful student, can you leave us for a moment?"

Bow-chicka-bow-wow!  Ha, ha… that’s the alcohol talking.

Twilight, oddly enough, agrees to just being tossed aside by Princess Celestia for this random stranger who has done nothing, said nothing and pretty much will amount to nothing. Anyway, Cameron starts to explain that he simply appeared in Equestria and has no idea where he is. Wait, the main 6 didn’t explain it to him while he was on his way to Canterlot?

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

Wait, what?! I’m drunk! I didn’t catch that the first time! *hic*

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

What the hell?! Are you saying that Princess Celestia can’t remember what her student’s name is? You mean the student who she has been teaching ever since she got her cutie mark?! Are you serious?! I’m drunk and this makes no f-f-fucking sense! Geez, what did Twilight do to piss her off?

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So, Celestia explains that Twilight was working on a new spell that accidently brought Cameron to Equestria. Cameron asks about Celestia’s power over the sun after looking at her cutie mark.

Heh, he’s looking at Celestia’s ass… Though to be fair, Celestia’s got a sweet ass…

Oh, yeah… shake, baby.

That’s the alcohol talking! That’s not me!

However, Celestia explains that she has the power to raise the sun every morning and that her sister has the power to raise the moon.

I thought about that moon "hings" I saw earlier. "Wait…you mean the blue one?"

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Every time he is supposed to say ‘horn’ or ‘wings’ on one of the ponies, he calls them ‘hinges’. Why? What is even the point of that? Why not just say horn or wings? Why do you have to add hinges?! I know it’s in first person, but is that really the best you could come up with? Hell, limbs would have been a more accurate term!

So, anyway, Celestia explains that it may take months for them to find a way to get Cameron home and that the main 6 would be happy to help him settle into Ponyville. Why? Because he’s just so nice with the… half a day you’ve gotten to know him… And what do we really know about Cameron? What tells us what kind of person he is?

Well, he doesn’t like to be eaten by Timberwolves… Okay… He doesn’t like being dragged into other dimensions unexpectedly… Whatever… Oh! I know, he likes to sleep! I think we’ve got a well-rounded character here, all five of him, wouldn’t you agree?

Another great author’s note here, because I like making fun of them.

Author's Note:

Here's the third chapter! I hope you enjoy it!

Yeah… I’m not… at all. Also, back to your question of why you are such an easy target, you’re pacing is atrocious! Good God, this chapter was only 400 words long?! You could have easily stretched this sucker out to at least 4000 words, if not more. You could have gone into depth of what Cameron is seeing, feeling, thinking. Since this is his first introduction to the series of MLP, he should be having a very different reaction to what we are seeing.

Is popping into other dimensions with talking animals normal for him? Does he travel to a lot of Disney cartoons, like Bambi?

So, we get to chapter 4, which, unlike all the other chapters, doesn’t have a title to it. Why? I don’t know. You would think that if you were going to start with one thing, you would be able to finish up with it.

Apparently, a FEW WEEKS PASS! What the hell?! And apparently, in that time he is able to get to know the characters better as well as the characters learning more about him. How? There is nothing in this story that shows us how he is interacting with the characters! He never talks to them, never shares a conversation with them, he doesn’t even show us what he has done for the past few weeks! He tells us about it, but this is a story! Show us something!

So, after him sitting in Twilight’s house for a few weeks, I don’t know if that’s what actually happened but given the level of nonsense this story goes to, it wouldn’t surprise me, he decides to go outside and explore Ponyville for the first time.

Wait, you’ve been here for weeks and they haven’t even let you explore Ponyville. God, maybe you did lock yourself in Twilight’s basement and here I thought that was the alcohol talking.

So, she runs into three little fillies and greets them. The girls introduce themselves as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"You have your OWN club? Cool!" I cheerfully exclaimed to the three fillies. "I wish I was in the club…"

Oh, I’m sure you do, you sick, disgusting, piece of-

Sir, he’s only 13.

… Okay, I’ll let it slide this time, but I’ve got my eye on you.

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So, Cameron asks what cutie marks are and Apple Bloom responds…

"On our flanks are cutie marks. They are basically the talents of the ponies."

Just so you know, Cameron, I’ve got the police on stand-by. You make a move that I don’t like, your ass is mine!

Anyway, the Cutie Mark Crusaders take off, probably to be a part of much better stories, and another filly comes into the picture. Babs Seed.

That seems kind of random. Why wasn’t she with Cutie Mark Crusaders?  Why the hell is she in this story? What the hell makes her so invaluable to the plot that she just happens to appear out of nowhere? Because as we will see, she is useless to the overall plot of the story!

Babs Seed asks if Cameron happens to have a crush on anypony. … Why the hell would you ask a complete stranger that question? That’s pretty personal, isn’t it? But of course, Cameron is completely trustworthy by his complete… blandness… and tells Babs that he has a crush on Fluttershy.

Yes, that is completely justifiable. You two have great chemistry in the … what? … Three or four sentences you two shared together. Yeah, that’s really believable, because you know, love works like that! Barely a conversation in and you know it is meant to be.

Forced romantic interest! That’s a cliché in every human in Equestria story! Drink up!

And… t-then we… because t-that’s how love works… because of… Shit… what the f-f-fuck am I drinking?

Anyway, Babs runs off and we see Diamond Tiara bullying Apple Bloom.

I walked to her, and that's when I saw Diamond Tiara. God, I hate her!

Hate her? You don’t even fucking know her! How could you claim to hate a character you don’t even know anything about?! The problem with this story is it keeps switching between past tense and present tense! Another reason why first person is usually not a good idea for an amateur writer, because then you get results like this! He tells us that he’s going to be walking through Ponyville ‘today’, but he then reacts as if he’s seen Diamond Tiara before even though he’s never mentioned her until ‘today’!

And another thing, why does Diamond Tiara always get portrayed as a bully with no redeemable qualities whatsoever? She’s a fucking little kid, guys! She’s not Sombra who oppressed an entire nation, she’s a little kid! She’s a brat and gets her just desserts, but my god, there is no justification in this story!

"HEY!" I yelled at her. "LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Oh, sh-shiz juz got realz-z-z!

So, Cameron chases off Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom thanks him. He then says that he wants to find Fluttershy to talk to her. Most likely so they can ‘build on’ the relationship they so well established!

And another author’s note because… let’s face it; they get funnier with each chapter.

Author's Note:

Chapter 4! Finally, a chapter mentioning the CMC, and Babs Seed!

That’s right. Babs Seed and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are in all of one chapter. Why? All to establish that Cameron has a crush on Fluttershy! Could this have been done another way? Gee, let’s think about that. Maybe actually showing him interacting with Fluttershy instead of telling us that ‘she was nice to him’. Big freaking woop! What does nice mean? Did she say ‘Hi’ to him when he was walking down the street and that’s what he considers ‘nice’?

“Well, everyone who watches the show knows she’s nice!”

Not the freaking point! The point is I shouldn’t have to be told Fluttershy is nice. If this is my first introduction to the character, I wouldn’t believe she was nice, because there is no evidence of that any pony would consider her nice!

In chapter 5, we get this wonderful image planted into my mind.

WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of sexual intercourse. If this offends you, don't read.

Oh, we are so screwed…

So Fluttershy and Cama… Camelle? … I can’t remember his name at the moment… So, I’m gonna call him Human-guy. Human-guy and Fluttershy start talking until sunset (I use the term talking lightly since we never see what their conversation is about.)

He then invites her to his house (How the hell do you have a house? Did you build it out of rocks just like Thunder-Ice or something? Does it have a holographic projection room too?!) and promises to tell her everything about Earth.

"S-So…how's it like in…Earth?" She asked me.

"Well…" I began. I couldn't really describe it. "…it's pretty much the same here, but with humans. I mean, I did get beat up often."

Yeah, we have our farm animals talk to us.  They tell us about their feelings and stuff like that! Oh, and the weather, we run everything in our weather factories! And since the animals can’t take care of themselves, we provide food and shelter and everything they need! And our president raises the sun and moon every day and every night. The human world is basically like Equestria!

… I’m starting to think the author was as drunk as I am when he wrote this.

Also, great job describing Earth, pal! You describe it about as well as you describe your story. Horrible!

"C-Cameron…" She looked into my eyes. "…I-I like you, too." She then pulled me close and kissed me. I slowly closed my eyes and kissed back. We pulled away. She gently placed her hoof on my cheek.

"I love you, Cameron…" She said to me, her cheeks as red as roses.

2 conversations! 2 conversations and they are so desperately in love that they know they are meant for each other! I think that’s how it works, right?! Who needs character progression and the ups and downs of a relationship and character building and all that other bullshit that is needed when interacting with another, when you can just say “Fuck it! We’re in love! No reason needed!”

It surely would have worked on Casablanca, right?

So, then… I think… they have sex… I don’t know it’s not described very well and it’s incredibly brief. Like I’m not even kidding on this… 160 words. 160 words?! That’s all you could do with an incredibly physical and emotional scene like this! My god, I’ve read first grade English papers that put more effort into it! Really? 160 words is all that you can come up with!

They aren’t even good words that fill the sensations. He just says that …

She slowly got on top of me and slid myself in her 'love tunnel'.

On top of that, he’s only 13 years old! I know that there are some countries the age of consent is varied, but my god, 13 years of age and he’s having sex! I’m not sure what nationality he’s from because it’s never revealed, but I’m pretty sure (I’m, again, assuming based of his name) that he’s American.

Plus, he’s having sex with a pony! I know you’re both mammals, but my god, there’s got to be something about human and equine biology that makes that impossible! (Again, not an expert here).

Oh by the way, human in Equestria cliché, having sex with one of the main cast.

And then… Oh, god…

And then, we get to chapter 6 where Fluttershy and Human-guy go into Ponyville after the night of sex. They are then attacked by Nightmare Moon.

Luna, are you using the false teeth again?

Damn Luna, that’s fucking awesome… Have I told you you’re my favorite princess?

So, Human-guy decides to stand up to Nightmare Moon and challenge her. He threatens her to disappear or he will make her.

Nightmare Moon refuses … and then disappears shortly after.

Huh? You should probably try the fangs again, Luna. You were more intimidating that way.

Anyway, Celestia approaches Human-guy and asks that he be their only hope at stopping Nightmare Moon… Holy shit! That makes perfect sense!

I mean, I know why Celestia can’t go to Twilight and her friends, who have faced Nightmare Moon before! I know why Celestia can’t gather up the Elements of Harmony to banish the evil within Nightmare Moon! I get it! It all makes perfect sense now! I finally figured out what the author was trying to tell us!  The answer is…

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Thank you, Pinkie Pie… *hic*

Now we can move on knowing the truth in our hearts…

Anyway, Human-guy is afraid to go challenge Nightmare Moon, even though he just stood up to her, but hey, we have to have some forced drama in this story. It’s about the only thing that hasn’t been completely forced yet. Celestia explains that he won’t be going alone and the others will join him to find the Elements of Harmony.

Wait, doesn’t Celestia keep them in a safe… oh, fuck it. I’m too drunk to care.

Before we know it, we were off.

I know, right? It’s literally the next sentence.

So, they start to head to Canterlot and Shining Armor’s castle? Wait, I didn’t know Shining Armor had his own castle. When the fuck did he get that?! If that’s the case, maybe Cadence didn’t marry him for love. But she can marry me for love, any time…

What can I say? You’re my favorite princess… *hic*

So, I guess they start to travel there by hoof, which brings up the question, why are they not riding a train or something? It would probably get them there faster! What? Did Nightmare Moon rig all the train stations or something?

Anyway, because they are traveling through the forest, they are attacked by Timberwolves. Seriously, there are other creatures in Equestria that can kill you. Why are you sticking with Timberwolves? Did they kill your parents or something?!

:trixieshiftleft: After her parents’ death at the claws of the Timberwolf when she was a child, Trixie vowed to avenge them! She trained in all magical ways to become the very thing that Timberwolves feared the most. The Chainsaw! Fear itself! I am the lumber mare!

Anyway, they fight off the Timberwolves, in one incredibly boring fight scene, but one of the Timberwolves bite into Human-guy’s neck.

He’s dead… He’s totally dead. Totally dead. No way he’s recovering from that. He’s totally dead. No way he’s going to recover from…

When my vision came back in, I was in a room that had a bed in it, which I was on. I slowly got up, looking around the room. There was nothing except windows.

Yeah. Of course. Because a Timberwolf, biting into your neck, with you bleeding all over your body, would totally not kill you.

I mean, look at that thing…

Fucking wuss.

Anyway, he wakes up in Canterlot and meets with Shining Armor.

"Twilight told me all about you. Tough past?"

… I would make a speech about how he hasn’t once mentioned anything about his past, but… I just want to make it through this story with enough alcohol in my system to make me forget it all.

So, they say that Human-guy is the chosen one and how only he can save Equestria and blah, blah, blah, let’s just take another shot for ponies can’t do anything and are incompetent making this character necessary to them.

Anyway, they leave Shining Armor’s castle without any of the Elements of Harmony, making me wonder what the fucking point of going there was to begin with. And where the fuck was Cadence? Was she just not good enough to be in this story?

She’s good enough to be in… *hic* … any day of the week…

So, I know a lot of you are probably asking, “Wait, isn’t Shining Armor supposed to be in the Crystal Empire?”

And you’re completely right. However, it is possible that the author of this story could have not seen the two part-er about the Crystal Empire.

But, it’s unlikely because we introduced Babs Seed, 3 chapters ago! So it makes even less sense of why they didn’t arrive at the Crystal Empire!

Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument, they did end of in the Crystal Empire and the author was just too lazy to say so.

Why the hell, then, were the main six traveling by foot?! Why don’t they take the train?! Do they not allow Human-guy on the train?! And last I checked the Crystal Empire; there wasn’t exactly a forest near them!

So they finally arrive at Nightmare Moon’s castle, which they somehow know it is Nightmare Moon’s castle, because of the spooky surroundings. Or it could be somepony who is really into the gothic look, but I doubt our author is that clever.

Then there were ponies behind us that had...ant-like jaws...oh great...now this! Ant ponies, oh boy!

"Changelings!" Shining Armor shouted.

Wait, so Changelings are similar to ants?

Where the hell did you get that conclusion?

So, Shining Armor and his men hold off the changelings (which still makes no sense how Nightmare Moon hired them or anything) and our ‘heroes’ are able to infiltrate Nightmare Moon’s castle.

They get into the castle, but find that it is too dark to see. But fortunately, in the one pair of pants that Human-guy brought (that I assume he hasn’t changed out of sine there is no mention of other clothes going with him or clothes being made for him) and just happens to pull out a flashlight.

Wow! That is a lot to swallow, story! That is a lot to swallow! Do you just carry around flashlights in your pocket right before you go to bed? And you just happened to keep it in your pocket for several weeks?!

You know what… fuck this story… I don’t care… Let’s just finish it…

So they approach Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon has prepared for them.

Then we noticed the floor glowing around us. "Let's see if you survive the Distorted Dimension!" She laughed very loudly, as the floor beneath our feet opened, and we fell in a dark abyss.

… What the fuck? … Sorry, I don’t think the alcohol is having any effect on me… Because this makes no fucking sense…  Excuse me for a moment…

Nope… didn’t help…

Also, another great author’s note…

Author's Note:

Sorry this was a bit rushed. I'm just thinking randomly, because  I wrote this close to midnight, and I was a bit tired.

Oh, don’t worry about this chapter being rushed… This whole fucking story has been rushed as shit!

So, they wake up in a red cave where Human-guy (for some reason) is outside of a cage while the main 6 are locked inside one. I guess, Nightmare Moon doesn’t consider this guy a threat… that or she’s just stupid.

Human-guy walks over to the cage and… just opens it… Apparently, the main 6’s weakness is unlocked cages since we never see Human-guy unlock it with a key or lock pick or anything like that.

And while we are down here in this cave, let’s get some descriptions of it.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a red cave. I got up and looked around. It looked...unsettling.

I kept walking until I came across a doorway...with no door. This place seemed messed up, for some reason. Blend unsettling, eerie, and startling together, and you get a very messed up place.

this place was VERY creepy.

Steven King’s got nothing on this level of description!

We walked to the right,and entered a room that had black stallions with red eyes and hooves.

Oh, look black and red Alicorns! That’s in every human in Equestria story!

… Wait, what? … That only counts if that’s the main character? … Are you sure?

… Okay, fine. I just really wanted a drink…

So, they have a 30 word chase scene with the ‘bloody hooves’ as they’re called and manage to escape them. Making them, completely pointless.

So, they teleport back to Nightmare Moon’s castle. Don’t ask the story’s almost over.

Nightmare Moon attacks Human-guy severely injuring him. He starts to die when Twilight says they can use the Elements of Harmony to revive him.

Pulling bullshit out of the author’s ass to save the human character. This calls for another shot.

Ah, that’s the *hic* good stuff…

So, they beat Nightmare Moon with some bullshit about the seventh element… Which totally calls for another shot…

And Celestia tells Human-guy that he needs to go back to his home world. He says his goodbyes and then suddenly is back home. … Yeah, that whole months thing that Celestia said probably was going to take. She was just trolling with him. She could have sent him back anytime, but then would he have had Fluttersex? No, he wouldn’t have and this story would have been better if he didn’t.

So in the Epilogue, we see him return to his mundane life, but finds a note in his jacket that Fluttershy left for him. I would question how Fluttershy manage to get it into his jacket and know that he was leaving and have time to write it and place it in his jacket without knowing, but this fucking story is finally… oh fuck…

Sir, are you alright?

… I shouldn’t have had that last shot…

What are you talking about, sir?

Oh, I’m just playing the… Human in Equestria cliché drinking game.

Sir, that’s the most dangerous game in the world! It has had more casualties than Chicken and Russian Roulette put together! Ponies stronger than you have died playing that!

Have I ever told you… how sexy that voice is?

That’s the alcohol talking, sir.

The f-f-fuck it is…

This story is stupid!

It is every human in Equestria story cliché under the sun and that’s not a good thing. It makes it simple, predictable, boring as hell and uninteresting.

Human-guy is the blandest piece of bread in existence. If this is how exciting you get, your life must be pretty dull. We learn absolutely nothing about his character, his personality and anything else that makes a good character other than “He’s the chosen one” bullshit. And not even that went anywhere. What was he chosen to do? What purpose did he serve? Nothing. Other than Fluttersex, he did nothing. He was a waste of a character.

I guess the only thing it did right was it was mercifully short. Hell, the review is longer than the actual story. This story is terrible, with its bad pacing, bad story, bad characters, bad plot and just the thing we have seen a million times in the past…

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I need to…

The Elements Vs Their Fierest Enemies

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, it is about time to see another crappy fan fiction. So, what’s it going to be today?

… Fuck my life.

Yes, this is going to be a crappy story about crappy OCs. My god, how is it OC’s are hard to create?! Okay, I take it back. OC’s are easy to create.  Throw shit together and call it a character. A good OC is infinitely harder. It takes time and preparation and actually devotion to them.

Maybe not too much devotion where they become your god, but a little more than this story gave us! And the pacing! The un-godly-awful pacing of this story! It feels like this story is on coke and energy drinks!

God, I just read the entire thing by the time this intro was finished. And I got to tell you, it’s bad! It’s horrible! It’s horrendous! And you’re all going to go through the exact same pain I went through! This is The Elements Vs Their Fiercest Enemies by RainbowDashrules95

It was a bright and sunny morning.

Bored already.

The main six are in a park having a picnic when all of a sudden Spike should show up with a letter from Celestia.

Dear Twilight,

In Canterlot, There Is A Huge Chrisis Going On. The Changelings Are Back And Badder Than Ever! I Need You To Use The Elements Of Harmony And Defeat The Changelings And Queen Chrysalis Before Things Get Out Of Hand. I Await Your Arrival,

Signed,

Princess Celestia

If I Capitalize All The Words In My Letter, It Makes Me Look Like I Have An Idea Of What I Am Doing!

Oh, yeah and letter is so poorly written. Would you ever think that Celestia would use the phrase “badder”? Unless she is a huge fan of George Thorogood.

Also, wouldn’t you want to include exactly how the Changelings are “badder?” What does that imply? Are they giants? Do they have laser beams from their eyes? Did they start a metal band? What does “badder” mean?!

"Oh No! Lets go girls! We Need To Get To Canterlot Immediately!" Twilight said with fear.

It’s a good thing my audience is so stupid that I have to be telling them that Twilight is in fear and not describing one’s actions that would indicate fear. I’m so smart for telling how Twilight feels. Also, usually saying “said with emotion” is the sign of an amateur writer.

"Can I come too?" Spike asked.

"No Spike, you should stay here." Twilight replied.

"Oh come on, I never get to come on these missions!"

It’s because I’m not a pony, isn’t it? Why do I get cut from every single story? I’m one of the main characters for Celestia’s sake!

They arrive at the train station, but the train manager tells them that a train won’t be available until tomorrow.

"It's alright. Thank you."

Wrong! That is not the reaction you should have to this kind of problem! You have Changelings in Canterlot that are probably tearing it apart, since they are “badder”, whatever the hell that means! She should be panicking and asking the train manager if there is anything he can do, explaining the situation to him in the process.

Agreed, there might be nothing he can do, but this is not the reaction I would expect from Twilight, given her experience with Queen Chrysalis!

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Now that was more accurate.

So, the girls come up with the “brilliant” idea of walking on the tracks to get to Canterlot. Rarity, just like every bad fan fiction, has to bitch about it first.

"And get my hoof's dirty?! I don't think so!" Rarity complained.

Yes, because she would never put aside her own happiness for the sake of others. That would be the generous and selfless thing to do. I’m so glad her element isn’t generosity. Oh wait… IT FUCKING IS!

Also, the way this is written, it’s like the hoof has possession of the dirty. Does Rarity’s hoof have possession over all dirt?

:raritycry: It’s both a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, they finally agree to travel to Canterlot by hoof, which begs the question of how long it would actually take them to get there. Wouldn’t it take less time to get to Canterlot by train than it would be on hoof? Hell, why doesn’t Rainbow Dash fly ahead to get an idea of what is happening? Or what about Twilight’s balloon? Or other balloons in the town? I’m sure that if you explained it to the citizens, they would give up whatever they could to stop the Changelings.

We’re only on chapter 2 and the characters are already acting stupid.

The girls ran down the tracks. After thirty minutes, they arrived at Canterlot.

Wait, if Canterlot was so close, why the hell did they even bother with the train?! Screw transportation, getting to Canterlot is like walking to the park!

Obviously, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump from Ponyville to Canterlot.

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So, they get to Canterlot and discover that it has been taken over. Yeah… Yeah, that’s never explained. Hell, there isn’t even a mention of how they took over Canterlot in a half hour. Twilight decides to disguise herself as a changeling to sneak into the castle and grab the Elements of Harmony.

She seen 2 of the changelings guarding the door. She stood next to one of them. She waited a few seconds, and Bucked the changeling next to her, then she bucked the other one. Both changelings were knocked out. She gave the signal to the girls, they ran in. Twilight opened the door, and took the Elements Of Harmony.

… I’m sorry. It’s just that… that sentence was so boring, I half fell asleep. You kind of see where the pacing problem is. There is absolutely no substance to the sentences. We get nothing of where they are, nothing about the environment, nothing about the characters and nothing about the emotions. It’s just stuff, stuff and stuff. And ironically, the incredibly rushed pacing makes this story a bore to sit through.

But let’s move on with this trash…

So, Twilight grabs the Elements of Harmony and gives them to her friends. The Changelings discover them, but find out they are too late.

"Everyone got them on?" Twilight asked.

Youtube Video

Thank you, Big Mac. Have a Big Mac.

So, I guess, they have a chase scene… I don’t know; see if you can figure it out.

They all stopped at the enterance seeing a bunch of Changelings at the door.

"We have to get out of here! Stand Around Me!!!" Twilight said with anger.

"Oh My Goodness Oh My Goodness!!!" Fluttershy said with fear.

Twilight used her horn and made a magic bubble shield.

"Okay, Lets get going! " Twilight said.

They ran with the bubble moving with them. Twilight's horn still glowing.

"There is too many of them!" Applejack yelled.

Yeah, pretty fucking confusing on the pacing, isn’t it? Sure as hell doesn’t let you know what the hell is going on. My god, I’ve read instruction manuals that made more sense!

Anyway, they finally manage to beat back the Changeling army with Twilight’s magic, making me wonder what the “badder” phrase was if they were easily taken down, as they make their way to the throne room, where Celestia is being held captive by Chrysalis.

Twilight and her friends use the Elements of Harmony and defeat Chrysalis. … Yeah, I bet you thought there was some intricate plan that Chrysalis had or that she had some kind of diabolical speech about how she was going to drain the love from Equestria or that she had this speech prepared about who she wants revenge on Twilight for defeating her. I mean, Celestia only had to explain that Chrysalis and her changelings were “badder” than ever, so one would think that they would actually have difficulties dealing with her.

Nope, she’s just there to get hit by the Elements of Harmony. Good god, she doesn’t even have a fucking line of dialogue in this story. All of the sudden she’s there, which you could barely tell since the only explanation we get that she’s even in the story is because Celestia tells us and BAM, Elements of Harmony send her away. What was even the point of including her in this story? Why did she need to be there? Was there seriously no other way this story could have been crafted without Chrysalis? Did you lose a bet to her or something?

Chrysalis: So, you agreed to have me in your next fan fiction as per our bet. I’m dying to hear what kind of scheme I’m going to be hatching.

Author: Well, I think you’ll enjoy it Miss Chrysalis. In this story, you plan an invasion of Canterlot.

Chrysalis: Oh, yes. Tell me more.

Author: Well, Twilight Sparkle comes with the Elements of Harmony and stops you.

Chrysalis: Yes, but I do have a brilliant plan to make it difficult for her, right?

Author: Well… no. That’s pretty much all you do.

Chrysalis: Wait, so I’m there just to be shot out of Canterlot?

Author: Pretty much.

Chrysalis: Well, do I at least give a speech about how “I’ll have my revenge” or something resembling that?

Author: Actually, you don’t even have a line of dialogue and you are completely forgotten about afterwards.

Chrysalis: … I should have just stuck with the pink fluffy thing.

Anyway, after Chrysalis is fired from the story, along with logic, we get an introduction the real main villains of the story, the Pain Six.

The Pain Six? Seriously, that was the best name you could come up with? Was the Baddy Bunch already taken? I mean, I get why you did it, but come on… We are supposed to take these guys seriously? They sound like a heavy metal band. Just add two more sixes on there to make it more official.

Good Work Applehack, your hacking skills did it again." Said the dark-purple pony.

"Applehack, What Is This?!" said Applejack with anger.

"Thank you Dark Sparkle." "What?!" "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!" Twilight ordered.

"Ah, Princess Celestia, or should I say Dead Celestia!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ME??!!"

Oh, god, where do I begin? … Okay first of all, the pacing is fucking terrible! What are these characters doing?! What is going through the mind of the characters in the room?! How did these characters come to be?! What is the response of the characters to what is going on?

Second, we aren’t even told what they are doing, so they feel like a bunch of severed heads, spitting out their lines! Give them some actions! Talking head syndrome does not need to be a part of an action story! Especially an action scene!

Third, who the hell is talking? Half the time I’m just guessing who is talking! If there were just two ponies in the room, it would be easier! But there are 13 characters in the room! It’s kind of necessary to make sure the audience knows who is talking, otherwise it becomes confusing for the readers!

Four, why do you have all caps for some of their dialogue? Is conveying emotion so difficult for you that you can’t say that they are yelling or shouting or something?!

Dear lord, it only gets increasingly worse from here!

"Well, We are the Pain 6, I'm Dark Sparkle, This pink little fella is Painkey Pie, This is the bad and horrifying Slaughtershy, This the ugly Scarity, and this the baddest pony Applehack."

Okay, I know they are supposed to be play-on words of the Main Six, but dear lord are these names stupid! Seriously? Painkey Pie? That’s the best pun you have? Why don’t you try … Skankie Pie?... Um…  Rankie Pie? … um… Stankie Pie? Okay, maybe it’s not that easy making up new names, but come on, Painkey Pie?

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, This is Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, And Rainbow Dash."

:twilightsmile:Nice to meet you, ponies who are clearly not good ponies, considering your names. I’m sure we’ll be the best of friends.

:ajbemused: ‘Oh, they’re fine,’ you said. ‘They’re totally legit,’ you said.

:twilightangry2: I can’t always be right!

So, after exchanging business cards, Celestia says probably the dumbest thing this story has… No, the dumbest thing ever written for Celestia to say. Period.

"Twilight, Use Your Elements Of Harmony, They Seem Bad." Said Princess Celestia.

They SEEM bad? They SEEM bad?! Were you even listening to their names?! Do I have to spell it out for you or something? Hold up a big sign that says “These ponies are clearly evil”?! Slaughtershy seems bad? Oh, yeah, you should totally trust the person who is named after the killing of others. That pony would be totally trustworthy!

Like Carnage!

Don’t let the name, murderous behavior, and the fact that he is about to kill off Spider-Man fool you, he’s a very gentle soul.

So, they attempt to use the Elements of Harmony on the Pain 6, seriously I need a better name for them, however, the Pain 6 just laugh off their attempt. It doesn’t exactly explain why the Elements of Harmony don’t work, but whatever, we have poorly written fight scene to get to.

Oh, and when I say poorly written, I mean the worst I have ever seen and with the resume of stories I’ve seen in the past, that’s saying something. Take a look at this.

Twilight tried every magic spell to stop Dark Sparkle or get rid of her but none of them work, so Twilight hoofed her, then bucked her. Dark Sparkle was knocked out.

Good god, I’ve read about paint drying that was more action packed than this! Seriously, that’s how bad these action scenes are, I would rather watch paint dry than read about this story. In fact, I think I will.

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God, that was exciting! That was awesome! I mean, that paint could really dry! Oh, god, that was great! That was beautiful…

Oh fuck, I’m back here.

So, they fight off the Pain in my ass Six with Fluttershy using her assertiveness skills to defeat Slaughtershy. Why am I mentioning this and not every pony elses? You’re never going to believe this, but it’s a plot point. … Yeah, Fluttershy being assertive is a plot point. Just start getting ready to be utterly disappointed. Trust me, it’s so pointless, you’ll wonder why the author even mentions it.

Applehack opens a dimensional portal that sends them back to their world. Yeah, that’s never explained how she can just do that on a whim. We never learn anything more about them and we never get to see their world or why they invaded Twilight’s world, but who cares, the story is almost over!

Celestia congratulates the Main Six, particularly Fluttershy. Why? Well, because Fluttershy learned to stand up for herself against her opposite and that… for some reason, made them all run away. Yeah… pretty fucking stupid, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Fluttershy. She’s my favorite character, but what was the fucking point of that?! What did Fluttershy do that made the difference?! As I recall, Twilight knocked her opponent out with ease, Applejack took down her opponent and Rarity took down her’s. Four of the Six took down their opponent and only one of them gets all the praise?! What kind of messed up, perverted vision do you have, pal?!

If Fluttershy’s your favorite, fine. More power to you. But at least make it justified why Fluttershy gets all the fame! This way makes no sense when there are other ponies who did the exact same thing! God, the only thing missing from this story is an OC to tell her how awesome she is and how she gives the best sex around! That would make this shitstorm complete!

So, we get the last minute, tagged on, bullshit message of the story.

"Yes I did. I learned that if you are in great danger, your friends would be there for you, even the ones that are brave enough to stop all the danger no matter how scared they are."

Fuck you, story.

And then Celestia starts to say good-bye. You would think this would be the end, but no, it insists on going.

Um, Girls, 3 things."

"Yes Princess?" They all said.

"First off, I need you to put back the elements of harmony, Second, Do you girls need a ride?"

No, they don’t. It took them a half hour to get to Canterlot on hoof. I don’t think they need any kind of transportation.

“Sad news is there is not enough room for all of you to sit in the carriage, just 4 of you."

"Well, two of us are pegasai."

"True Rainbow Dash.

What? Is Celestia deaf, blind and stupid?! What the fucking hell is wrong with her in this story?!

So, they finally all go home and live happily ever after. The End.

Ah, cute. That gave me all kinds of emotions… Mostly relief… Relief that I will never have to read this story again.

This story is just bad!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the premise is rather interesting. I really do think that the premise of an alternate six is not a bad one. I do think there is some possibilities with the story telling, characters and interactions with one another, both as a more serious piece and a comedic piece.

This was not one of them. It’s poorly written with bad spelling and grammar that I barely touched on. The pacing is horrible, the plot makes no sense, the Pain Six are non-entities and for their "fiercest enemies", they barely do anything, and it’s just an absolute bore to sit through. The action is sloppy and rushed, the characters aren’t given anything outside dialogue and it’s so ungodly rushed. The descriptions are piss poor at best and the whole Changeling thing was absolutely pointless, since it did nothing to further the plot.

Like I said, the idea is actually rather interesting to me. The execution leaves A LOT to be desired. Have a good day guys.

A Haze in Equestria

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a seventh Element of Harmony on the show?

… Of course you haven’t. That would be stupid.

But, let’s just say for the sake of the argument, that you did decide to do one, how would you go about doing it?  Well, how about making your character not only an Alicorn, not only falls in love with one of the major characters, not only gives off the best sex in the world, not only is the only hope Equestria has to stop a major threat, not only has a completely unlikeable personality and yet everypony wants to be with him, not only is the last of his kind, not only has more power than Discord and Celestia put together,  but also… name him completely unrelated to the color of his body.

Put it together and what do you got?

That’s right! A piece of dogshit that has nothing to offer us whatsoever. This is A Haze in Equestria by SilverHaze

Unlike most of the stories I’ve reviewed in the past, this actually stars an OC pony/alicorn. Yes, I’m sure I’ll get into more of those kinds of characters down the road. But this is a combination of all the tropes that you are most likely to see in these kinds of stories. And I’ll be honest, it doesn’t do any of them interestingly or well.

We’ve got a lot of story to cover so let’s take a look.

The Calm warm rays of Celestia's sun beated down upon the grand floating paradise of Alicornia,

Oh, god. Another place that is as bad as Unicornicopia! I can only stand Mykan for so long!

Actually, this is the magical land of Alicornia, where all the alicorns reside.

The Alicorns that lived there were a peaceful and kind race, that thought that all problems could be solved with friendship,

Until of course, they discovered the machine gun.

The author explains how each of the floating islands are named after each of the magical elements of the world. Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty and so on. Which is … really stupid. I mean, why would you name each of your islands like that? Do you have an island where all the bad ponies go called “Naughty”?

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God, that guy is creepy.

So, the author lets us know really early that we aren’t going to like this character. Like at all. No comparison whatsoever, the worst character in the story. The main character, Silver Haze.

Only one alicorn had ever been born to the island of Friendship, his name was Silver Haze.

Mostly because friendship was as far as anyone got in a relationship. If you love on the island of friendship, you were often stoned to death. Though I’m sure that’s not the only thing that was stoned, is it author?

He had a dark, raven black coat that simmered in the glistening moonlight. his long silky crimson red mane that made every other alicorn jealous, it waved defiantly in the wind of Alicornia.

Gee, I wonder if EVERY character is going to get the same descriptive treatment as our main character. I mean, the author wouldn’t honestly just play favorites with a single character and hope that the audience loves his character as much as he does, because you know, that’s how good writing works.

Haze was currently sitting in the Royal Banquet hall with his father (who wasn't really his dad because Alicorns just appear and are not born) the king of Alicornia, who took him as his son after he appeared on the island of Friendship.

Wait a minute! You just said that he was born! How did he just appear if he was born?! Did the sky pop him out her vagina?! What the fucking hell?! Consistency, you suck at it! It’s only the first fucking paragraph and already the story is disputing itself.

We are in for a wild ride, people!

Oh, and the king just picks him up as a child, for no reason at all. Now, you might be asking “Does it get explained later?” Ha, no! What? Did you think this would actually be a story that would try to give us something entertaining?! What gave you that idea?!

So, the king of Unicornicopia… Oh, sorry, Alicornia, begins a toast to his country and his son, the future king. But the celebration is cut short when a mysterious fog attacks the kingdom.

"SIR WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY SOME WEIRD FOG!"

The king stood up and started shouting orders "EVERY ALICORN FIGHT BACK! DO NOT LOSE ALICORNIA!"

King: SHOOT IT WITH OUR GUNS AND STUFF!

Soldier: But, sire don’t you want information on it or something? You’re not even going to ask where it is and what is it doing?

King: DO NOT QUESTION ME, DAMN YOU! JUST START SHOOTING AT IT!

The next few minuets were disorienting for Silver Haze, it was a jumble of screams and orders, slowly, the strange fog creatures were taking Alicornia, the news came slowly.

Oh, my god. This is the third week in a row that the fight scenes have been terrible! I know I’m not the best at fight scenes (Fantastic Four and Incredible Flutterhulk are prime examples), but come on! Show, don’t tell! Show us the fight! Explain what the hell is going on! Don’t just say “there was fighting and shit”! That doesn’t work!

Shameless self-promoting, sir? For shame.

Shut up.

"Sir! We just lost contact with Knowledge!"

Oh, trust me; you lost contact with them a loooong time ago. By the way, Knowledge? I don’t remember that being an Element of Harmony.

Laughter's Core was just destroyed!

Oh, my laughing core was destroyed by that last sentence, let me tell you.

The cloud continues to do damage to Alicornia as King Crown hopes to rally his troops.

King Crow began rationing what additional forces he had left.

Oh… My mistake, I thought you were King Crown. Apparently, this is his twin brother, King Crow, who looks exactly like him. Crow demands to know how many of his forces are left. One of the alicorns responses with details of the attack. Well, I say details, but it’s really just information we already know, with nothing about the fog or anything else.

The King doesn’t take it well, since his question wasn’t answered.

King crown growled in anger. " I said...how many troops do I have left."

Wait, where did King Crow go?! I thought he was asking how many troops they had. Did King Crow decide to ditch Alicornia?

Sir, if I may, I believe that King Crown and King Crow are the same character.

Oh, what do you know? It’s clear that King Crow is the better character.

The Alicorn Warmonger frowned. "Not many sir, We have a few Honesty Warmachines left.

Huh? I wonder what they use “Honesty Warmachines” for?

:ajbemused: You better give me the honest truth! Will I save money by switching to Geico?!

Kindness spear troopers have been sent over to try and hold the capital.

How do you “kindly” stab someone with a long pointy stick?

:fluttershysad: Um.. is it okay if I stab you repeatedly with my spear, spilling your guts all over the floor? I mean, if it’s not, that’s okay.

Besides, what good would a spear do against a freaking cloud?!

The Wise Alicorn king sighed, looking over the scale model battlefield set up in front of him.

This was not good.

He still had no idea how the battlefield model was set up in mere minutes. Frankly, he’s still depressed with his nation’s tactics against a gas like entity.

"I want you to open a hole in the fog, big enough so my son may retreat...he is the perfect one of our pepole...and he will be the one to carry on my great legacy."

He’s better than everypony that has ever existed since the dawn of any pony, ever! This pony who we know absolutely nothing about except that he is great, he is to be worshiped and good lord, this story is dumb!

The soldier rides off to take his son. We then see the king glancing at an image of the two daughters that betrayed his country.

"Help my son...my little sun and moon."

So, obviously, since he’s so important to this nation, the son retreats to Equestria. He finds his way to Ponyville where he tries to communicate with one of the locals. However, he freaks out after discovering that not everyone in Ponyville is an alicorn. He starts to panic and accidently knocks himself out.

"Shocked, I turned and took flight, but the pony started chasing me, I realized there weren't any alicorns, some only had wings or horns, or nothing at all! I began to worry, what was this place!?!?! Suddenly I landed and began to weave my way through the street, but I bumped into something, it was a pony but this one was purple and an alicorn!!!

Yes, gently crashing into a pony and lightly bumping my head onto the ground, somehow, knocks me out. I’m the future of my race!

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We then cut back to the king, who is making a last stand against the fog. He is overloading the core of Friendship and begins talking to members of his council.

After telling them to prepare themselves, the King starts to think about what was most important to him in his last moments.

He thought of his son

I sure hope he doesn’t get knocked out in a completely stupid and non-funny way. That would be the only way our race would die out.

He thought of his kingdom

We really have stupid names for our islands. Also, I never got to eat at that Chinese restaurant.

He thought of his daughters.

Damn it! Luna owes me money! Damn you-!

So, he wakes up in the library, where Princess Twilight Sparkle watches over him

Hey, I just noticed something, in these types of stories OC’s get taken in by one of the main characters, even though they know absolutely nothing about them. And these characters are often injured, but of course, the main characters would never do something sensible like TAKING THEM TO A HOSPITAL!

Anyway, Silver Haze asks how he got here, and Twilight explains that she brought him here after he passed out.

"yes, where am I?" I said to her.

"you are in my library" the purple alicorn said

"i'm Silver Haze, the prince of Alicornia, or, what WAS Alicornia" I said sadably

Sadably? Really? …

…

…

Okay, time for a drink.

Okay, let’s continue with something I need to touch up on. The dialogue. Seriously, this is some awkward and weak dialogue. They just introduce themselves without any substance to it. There is no reason Twilight should trust this guy or anything he has to say.

"because you can only be an alicorn by doing special things" said Twilight.

"wow, in alicornia, everyone is born an alicorn" I said

NOBODY IS BORN AN ALICORN! ALICORNS JUST APPEAR! THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID! ACCORDING TO YOUR OWN FUCKING CONTINUITY, ALICORNS JUST APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR! THIS STORY IS STUPID!

So, anyway, the rest of the characters walk in and they  just can’t stop complimenting on how great Silver Haze is and how fantastic he looks and how he is so much better than anypony else.

"umm.. i'm fluttershy" she said, looking at the tall, handsome red and black alicorn she suddenly had a strange atraction to.

"howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said

"i'm Rainbow Dash, nice wings" she said

You know, author, the more you try to convince me that you are so much better than everyone else, the more I think you are just a jealous 13-year old who is angry at the world because the world doesn’t worship you like you think it should. And possibly, that you like a fictional character a little too much.

Also, another thing I would like to comment on, the formatting! Dear lord, you can’t tell from these little tidbits that I’m giving you, so let me show you what I mean.

Just then a pony with no horn or wings.. an anti-alicorn, walked into the door "howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said "thanks, but i'm not the best looking pony in the world" i said, being modest. the anti-alicorn waled to twilight "so twahlahght, i was hoping to get a book grom yew" she said, when another pony came into the door, it was the pony from earlier, the one with no horn. she had a rainbow  mane.

Dear lord, a new paragraph should start every time a new character starts talking! Were you even trying at this point?! Or did you decide that you had gotten so much flame for the story that you decided to forego all effort all together?! Please, do yourself a favor! Either stop writing or get an editor! There are tons of websites and places where you can ask others to proofread your story to fix problems like this! For God’s sake, use them!

Ugh… and it only gets worse from here, people. It only gets worse from here.

Silver Haze explains that a group of cloud monsters attacked his city and destroyed it. Twilight and her friends wonder what they can do to help. Silver Haze basically tells them since most of them aren’t alicorns, none of them would have been much help.

Oh, good. Now he’s racist. Let’s add that to the list of things I despise about him.

Spike walks into the room and-

"DRAGON!!!" I yelled!

Oh, my god! We are trying to add Spike into the story! This is MLP Fanfic’s greatest sin! Somepony kick Spike out of the story! Kick him out of the story!

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Ah… crisis averted.

The story explains that Silver Haze has a phobia of dragons, because of an event that will have no relevance to the plot whatsoever, but Twilight explains that Spike is harmless. Why was this placed into the story? … I have no idea. I guess, in the author’s mind, it’s supposed to serve as a ‘flaw’ to his character to make him not a Mary-Sue, but come on! This is a really, really weak flaw! A flaw should cripple the hero, showing how weak they can truly be!

If he really had a phobia for dragons, he would be cowering in a corner and would not listen to rational arguments made by the others. But no, instead of him progressively learning to trust Spike throughout the course of the story, slowly overcoming his fear of dragons, he instantly trusts Spike and is instantly over his fear.

Fuck! This! Story!

Anyway, Spike explains that he had received a letter from Princess Celestia saying that she wants to meet their strange visitor.

I nodded my head and got up slowly, I almost fell over but Twilight let me lean on her to regain my balence.

I can’t walk straight! Can’t fight anything! And am easily knocked out by lightly bumping my head into something! I’m the best alicorn that ever lived!

*Far across the sea*

A group of dragons were flying across the sea when they saw a giant fog cloud block their way. Not even thinking about it,

they flew inside it...

And were never seen again.

Wow… this would be actually quite terrifying… If I actually gave a shit… Seriously?! What was the point of that scene?! We never saw the dragons! We never got to know any of them! They are never going to matter at the end of this! So seriously, what was this even about?! Was this to remind us that the fog is still out there! News flash, anyone who has read this story up to this point already knows that! GOD, I HATE THIS STORY!

The train ride was really quick taking only ten minutes to get to canterlot,

God, maybe it is only a thirty minute walk to Canterlot.

nothing happen except for when I talked to the Mane 6 a bit more but not about anything important.

I would say ‘show, don’t tell’ here, but there are two very good reason why I am not. Number 1: It would probably fall on deaf ears. Number 2: It would make the story that much longer and trust me 9000 words of torment is 9001 words too long.

So, I guess there is some kind of relationship being built between Silver Haze and Twilight Sparkle, not that we are ever shown that, with the author telling us-

Twilight started acting really weird though, she didn't look at me when I tried to talk to her,

What kind of a conversation are you having?! What are you talking about?! Show, don’t- oh, fuck it all! Let’s just finish this story as quickly as possible.

They enter Celestia’s palace where they are greeted by the princess.

"Hello Elements, have you brought the alicorn here?"

… I guess, the heroes don’t get names anymore. Yeah, that makes sense! I mean, Celestia has only known them for three or more seasons and has connected with them through their learning lessons about friendship! Yeah, I could see how she only connects to them with their element to protect her kingdom! That’s all they are to her! Objects! Objects for her to use whenever she pleases!

That’s why they don’t need names, people! Even though one of them is her close personal student who she has known for years, that’s why they don’t have names!

Make sense, right?!

So, yeah, Celestia asks how Silver Haze is and he explains where he comes from and what happened to his kingdom.

Celestia seemed saddened by this "Well, that is unfortunate...still thank you,

For fleeing like a coward and being absolutely useless. You’re the only hope for your race!

Luna then appears and Silver Haze and Luna instantly recognize each other. We then cut to a flashback where Luna and Silver Haze were apparently best friends.

"We should get married some day!" Silver looked over in shock.

"Ewww! No way, you have cooties!" Luna gave him a light hit on the sholder.

"Not right now dumb-dumb, I mean some day, when we're older!!!" Silver thought this over for a second then smiled.

"Sure! We could have a big party! And invite all our friends!!!" Luna nodded also smiling.

… Last! Sentence! You just said that you didn’t want to get married, last sentence! You can’t even keep your consistency for more than a sentence! But the author clearly doesn’t care about this story, why should I?!

So, anyway, Luna and Silver Haze hug after the flashback where they promised to love each other forever, and Silver Haze realized why they are so familiar.

Wait a minute, I just thought of something… Isn’t Celestia and Luna daughters of the king of Alicornia? The same alicorn who is the father of Silver Haze?

Great, now we can add incest to the list of reasons why I hate this story!

Silver Haze asks why Celestia and Luna are in Equestria, and Celestia explains that Alicorns are naturally racist against non-alicorns and that she left that life behind to care for those in Equestria.

Why? Because… um… because… the god’s demanded it? Why can’t you go deeper into this?! This is actually a fascinating aspect of the story! I want to know more about this! … Wow, I’d never thought I’d say those words to this story.

But nope, instead we get a dumbass, forced as hell, love triangle! Because we’ve never seen those before!

"I nodded quickly, noticing that luna was still hugging me." I told her to please let go and she did with a blush, suddenly she got an idea.

Notice where the quotation marks are? This just convinces me that the character is clearly insane and is misinterpreting everything the characters say when they say that they love, when in reality, they despise him as much as I do!

Can I read about that story, please?!

So, Luna invites Silver Haze to follow her to the observatory. But… uh oh! Twilight wants to take him to Joe’s Doughnut Shop!

I smell completely forced, love triangle hilarity!

"Uhh mares?" I said, getting pulled one way by Luna and the other by Twilight.

Oh, god! Are we finally going to see what happens when a Wookie loses?!

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"The observitory"

"Pony Joe's!"

"The ovservitory!!!"

"pony Joe's!!!"

Spell check? Pfft… what the fuck is that?

So, before somepony, like me, can get a chainsaw to give Twilight and Luna what they want, Celestia calms them down. She explains that the fog that is making its way to Equestria is more important.

Finally, a pony with some common sense! Celestia, you are my new favorite pony!

Sudenly I heard a voice in my head "Lisen Silver Haze, I lost my sister to hatred and anger 1000 years ago, if you hurt her in any way I will personaly send you to the sun. Am I clear?"

I’m not sure how Celestia is able to speak to him telepathically, but who cares! She’s still more sensible and better than every character in this story put together! Hell, I’m surprised she wasn’t seen wielding a sword and riding a dinosaur!

That’s how badass she is right now!

So, they allow Silver Haze to stay in Canterlot and to have his own room. As he starts to rest for the night, Luna comes to visit him. Oh, great. I forgot about the love triangle shit! Can we go back to Celestia?! I want to see more of her, please!

"Greatings Silver, would you like to go to my room and play some games?" I smiled and nodded, she sqeed with glee of finaly having somepony to play with.

Oh, dear lord! What kind of sick twisted games are you playing with her?! Celestia, send him to the sun quick!

We went back to her room and we played some games like chess and checkers

Oh, god. I thought we were going to have something suggestive here. Phew… dodged a bullet there.

After it got dark, Luna sugested we play a more fun game for the time.

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And I’m not wrong on that either. Luna starts a drinking game with him, which results in them having sex… Dear lord.

And of course, he has to go into detail how big he is and how he does her and dear lord, somebody get me some brain bleach! And lots of it!

And then he falls asleep in the middle of it. I guess, Luna’s a bit out of practice.

… No… I didn’t mean it…

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I am so getting sent to the sun. Of course, I won’t be alone, will I, Silver?

And then we get an author’s note, explaining the poor spelling and grammar. Oh, did I forget to mention that? There’s a ton of it, if you haven’t noticed already.

Anyway, I got a message that said that I needed an editor, so I got my friend to edit this, how did he do?

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And that’s the nicest way I can put that.

Anyway, after a night of moonlighting, Silver Haze wakes up and starts his day, and now we show one of the biggest problems with this story. I’m going to show you two different sentences in this chapter and see if you can spot it.

i got up from my bed and went to the door, i peeked back at luna who was sleeping peacfuly in her bed. my head suddenly hurt from all the booze we drank last night, I felt strange and happy and sads all at the time same, I left for the bahroom where I would wash out my face and put cold water on myself and I sighed.

Silver Haze could only suddenly feel sadder about how his home was gone but he had to look forward he remembered the day Luna and Celetia left the floying island and left him there with his father who was sad but got over it and everyone called them trateres because when they left they took the Tree of harmony with them which was part of the island of Frendship and was very important and made lots of the alicorns very angry.

Now, besides being both run on sentences. Both having terrible spelling and grammar and both being poorly written, but what a huge problem with these sentences?

Can’t figure it out? They are two different perspectives of writing! The first one is in a first person perspective and the other is a third person! Good god, you can’t even keep a consistent perspective in your narrative! This wouldn’t be so bad if it was done well, but this makes it feel like Silver Haze and the main character are two separate people! It is confusing as hell! If you want to make it in first person, fine! But pick one narrative! Don’t combined the two unless you know how to! And trust me, you don’t know how!

So, he goes off to breakfast where he meets with Celestia. Celestia seems to know that something was up.

“”did you enjoy your late night shenanigans with luna, silver haze?” said celestia.

That’s it! It’s sun time for you! Say hi the Satan for me!

But of course, that would be interesting, and of course, this story would never do something like that. No, instead, we get the love triangle bullshit.

Twilight comes up to Silver and complains that she loved him at first sight. Silver Haze makes a promise to Twilight that he will love her as much as he loves Luna. Twilight, of course, this being a realistic story, takes it pretty well and says that that is okay. Just like real life, right?!

Fortunately, a black dragon comes around to attack Canterlot. Twilight suggests the Elements of Harmony, but states that they have already surrendered them to the Tree of Harmony. Seriously, am I the only one who hasn’t seen season 4?

But that’s okay, because Silver Haze knows the exact weakness of the dragon, even though he has a phobia of dragons and should be too scared to even look at it, but hey, that would be assuming that the story knew what consistency was.

So, Silver Haze dives in, with everypony else in awe at how awesome he is, and Silver Haze kills the dragon without any difficulty. I hate this character.

Twilight and Luna approach him and proceed to tell him how awesome he is.

”thanks, girls, i couldn’t have done it without you” silver said

What did they even do?! … You know what, I don’t care anymore. We’re just moving on.

So, they figure out that the cloud that is attacking them is the same kind of fog that Sombra used to attack the Crystal Empire, which honestly doesn’t make sense, but whatever, and Silver Haze asks Celestia and Luna if they still have the airship that they stole from his father.

Um… last I checked Luna and Celestia had wings. Why do they need an airship?

Anyway, of course, Celestia has it and reveals it to the others. Silver Haze and Main six agree to go and they board the airship.

After seven sentences of how awesome and handsome and brave and cool and majestic and all powerful Silver Haze is, Twilight enters his cabin and then starts making out with him.

“W-Wait, first I have to cast a protection spell.”

There is not enough alcohol in the world that will make me forget that line…

So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed already, the two start having sex. I can’t imagine Luna being very happy about that…

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(> (PS I relized my last BF was a terrible editor but my new one is much better so I’ll probibly get more likes)

On the one hand, I am glad you got a new editor for this… On the other, your second editor still sucks.

Our next chapter begins like this…

sorry for a short chapter, i was rush with school and stuff, you’all know how it works.We all heart haze :D

Yes. Yes, I do know how that works. I know that real life is sometimes a bitch and can take away from your work. But that often doesn’t excuse it from sucking.

Now, before people start flaming me for this, I realize that deadlines can be hard to make sometimes. I get that. Sometimes you can spend all the time you want to on something and sometimes you have to take shortcuts. I don’t recommend it, but I do understand. My thing is, this is fan fiction, it’s not like you are writing for a job or anything, it’s a fan work that you do at your own pace.

Now, if you want to set a schedule for yourself, that’s fine. More power to you. But if you can’t make a deadline and can’t give the quality that you feel your audience deserves, don’t do it. Take more time with it. Better to give something with quality than to rush it and it turns out to be garbage.

Is that why your Happily Ever After story is terrible?

Shut up.

After banging Twilight, Silver Haze meets the others for breakfast. However, Applejack is instantly suspicious of the whole thing because…

You seem a maght suspeecious i rekon, bein’ the element of honesty i rekon yer hading somethin’” applejack said

This story keeps serving up new ways for me to hate it.

So they fly off to the Crystal Empire, but they are soon attacked by the mysterious fog. However, it is revealed to be Sombra!

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“Well” I said “it looks like this will be interesting!”

Why start now?

The group lands the ship and head for the fog. The main six are, of course, too cowardly to attack the thing. However, thanks to Silver, oh I’m sorry-

main 6 follow their handsome brave and utterly courageous leader silver haze the prince of alicorning and the only survive as he lead the charge being their only hope to save equestria and if anything happend to him they would have no idea how to defend themselfs twilight thought maby he was really the secret hidden seventh element of harmoney of bravery and he could of used it if they didn’t give up the elements to the tree of harmony after she became a princess she though but she then relized it didnt matter because silver didn’t need any fancy elements to defeat the evilness he was brave and coragus and funny and honest and would never hurt anyone nor would he ever do anything to even hurt anyones feeling and that when she knew she loved silver with all her heart and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

Sorry, there was words on the screen, but all I saw was.

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And yet, the dog was more intelligible.

They work their way through the fog and make their way to the throne room in an attempt to find Sombra. Oh wait, this is apparently, Sombre, Sombra’s twin brother. Who ironically gets more screen time in the show than Sombra does?!

I love those comics.

They finally find him, and I just thought of something. Where is Cadence and Shining Armor in all this?! Did they just die off screen or something?! Wouldn’t Twilight have a reaction to some of this?! Oh, well. This story has already fucked up all of my favorite characters; the story can at least spare Cadence and Shining Armor its wrath.

They find Sombre and Sombre reveals that Silver was born of a female alicorn, which makes no sense because Alicorns can’t be born, but who cares, lame fight sequence time!

sombre charged a powerful beam on his horn and focused it at silver. silver was nearly hit my the beam, and it gave him a little burn as it flew by. silver once again charged at him, but this time with his own horn glowing. sombre laughed as he came for him, and he made no effort to dodge or counter his attack, he simply allowed silver to charge. silver hit combre full force, yet he didn’t budge one bit.

So, Silver defeats Sombre by knocking him off a cliff, but Sombre tries to pull him with him. Twilight and her friends rush over to him, but are unable to do anything.

Oh, no. It’s not like Twilight has magic that she can use to blast Sombre off of Silver Haze. Oh, wait, yes she can. Why doesn’t Twilight just shoot the bastard and get him off Silver Haze?!

Anyway, Silver Haze and Sombre fall into the abyss? Which… makes no sense since Silver Haze has wings and could fly to safety, but…? I guess as long as this character is dead than it doesn’t really matter.

So, the main 6 gets all sad because the perfect, all-powerful, who the fuck cares Silver is dead. They throw a big party in his honor (I’m throwing a party too, but for different reasons) and Luna doesn’t take news of his death well.

So, in our Epilogue, we cut to 2 years later, where Twilight is revealed to have children. So much for that protection.

We then get an author’s note asking the important questions…

What will happen to silver haze? what will hapen to his kids? What will happen to twilight now that she is a mother?

Oh, I can answer that. Nobody cares!

Waste of my time!

This fan fic is stupid in every aspect of the word.

It’s poorly written; the dialogue is terrible, the spelling and grammar are just awful and is overall just a bad story.

Several elements of the story could have worked if more time was spent on them. Like the alicorn racism thing, that would have been interesting to see an alicorn who was racist against everypony who wasn’t born an alicorn. That would have been interesting.

And if Celestia and Luna did leave the kingdom of Alicornia, it would have been interesting to see how they came to respect others and how they conflicted with their father.

But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.

He’s a blowup doll at best. Something to bring pleasure to the author by making him have sex with Twilight and Luna.

Look, I don’t care if you want to have your main character have a romantic relationship with one of the main six. But please, make sure that is it actually believable and not forced as hell like this.

The love triangle was never touched on (for better or worse) and a lot of the parts that had potential get cut to make room for sentences that describe how wonderful and fantastic Silver Haze is.

Overall, a bore to sit through and just an awful story to read that makes you want to slam your head repeatedly against something to give yourself something that is less painful. In fact, that’s what I’m going to do. Have a good day guys.

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***

A black alicorn burst from the great golden doors, a narrowed brow on his face as he made his way to down the long hall to the throne. “Have you heard what has happened, Father?”

King Crown gave a sigh and tilted his head back. He placed his hoof on his forehead and glanced down the steps of his golden throne to the black and red alicorn traveling down the violet carpet. “What is it now, son?” The two alicorns beside him took a step back from him. “I am in the middle of an important meeting.”

The son stopped short of the throne and pointed to the glass window at the other end of the room. “Father, have you heard about what that pony has said about me?! Those horrible, horrible things!”

King Crown shook his head. “I don’t understand. What horrible things, Silver?”

Silver made his way to a giant crystal orb at the center of the room, his horn glowing brightly. The orb glowed for a moment and revealed a green stallion with black glasses. His voice echoed into the room, “But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.”

Silver’s face intensified as he turned back to the throne. “You see that, father?! That stallion would dare mock me!”

King Crown merely raised his eyebrow. “I do not understand, Silver. It is simply one earth pony. An anti-alicorn.” He pointed at the orb still projecting the stallion. “He is far beneath you.”

Silver flew up to his father’s side, staring him down. “Then why is he allowed to insult me?!”

King Crown stood up and placed his hoof on his son’s shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about. He is a nothing. A nobody.” He smiled as he turned his son back to the center piece of the room. “But you? You are the most special alicorn in the whole kingdom!”

Silver turned his head, a smug grunt escaping his lips. “I know I am.” He placed his hoof on his chest. “I am the most handsome, strong, smart and brave alicorn in all of Alicornia.” He pointed his hoof back to the orb. “Then why should I have to tolerate being insulted by a commoner?! Why can’t I just kill him or something?”

King Crown leered at the younger alicorn. “And ruin our plan to conquer Equestria?” He shook his head. “We cannot afford to lose our advantage, son.” He leaned towards his son’s ear. “We are so close to conquering it. Is gaining your own kingdom to rule over better than killing a single earth pony?”

Silver looked back up to the crystal, staring into the smirk of the ‘Critique’, as he called himself. The Critique prided himself on always being right. On always knowing what was best. Silver couldn’t see what was so great about him.

On one hoof, the Critique was a small minded, weak, self-absorbed, unintelligent, loud, vulgar anti-alicorn who worked as a librarian for less than minimum wage. He knew homeless ponies who made more than him.

On the other hoof, he, Silver Haze, was the most handsome stallion that ever lived. He was braver than the bravest pony. Stronger than any creature, an intellect that rivaled smartest ponies of Alicornia, and of course, he could give any mare, and female anything they wanted. Slow, soft, hard, fast. It didn’t matter. His talents could perform.

And yet, this simpleton. This completely boring, uninteresting commoner had the gall to insult him. Where all others would praise him, respect him, envy him, this stallion would mock him. Surely, he is just jealous of all my talents! That is all he is! That is all they ever are!

He turned towards his father. “Father, I request permission to destroy him!”

Crown shook his head. “Request denied, my son.” Silver lowered his head in defeat. “We must focus on Equestria’s submission first.” He smiled. “Then when you have all of Equestria under your control, you may do as you will with him.

Silver escaped his father’s grip and stomped down the steps. But I want to kill him now! He grumbled under his breath as he marched out of the throne room, the golden doors slamming behind him.

Why Did I Do This?

… I don’t want to review anymore… I don’t want to do it.

Sir, what is it this time?

I’ve just read another stupid story, Computer. And now I have to review it. It’s always the same things over and over. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever gets better. Look at what my life has become.

Sir, nopony is forcing you to read and review them. You could stop anytime you wished.

Not the point. What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that every time I read a story as stupid as the one we’ve got today, I feel like a piece of my brain is melting out of my ears.

What story are you reviewing today?

It’s called… Why did I do this?

Because you choose to, sir.

No, that’s what the story is called. It’s called Why did I do this? by CrystalFeather

Ever since Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, it seems like everypony is trying make a story with gore related violence. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, it can’t just be done for the stake of gore related violence. It still needs to tell a story, it still needs to have relatable characters and if you’re going to have canon characters be the slasher, it needs to make sense!

You can’t just throw whatever halfcocked piece of shit explanation you want into the story and expect us to buy it, it doesn’t fucking work!

And unfortunately, that is what we get with today’s story. I know I’m not excited about reading this piece of shit, so let’s get this over with.

Twilight Sparkle was in the recesses of her home making a potion. It would change psychotic pony into a normal tempered pony.

It was called alcohol and believe me it will turn me into a normal tempered pony.

So, yeah, apparently Twilight Sparkle is a psychologist now. Sure puts Asylum into perspective. I guess Twilight really does read everything she touches.

She apparently has a psychotic pony in the room that she plans to test the potion. We never really get an explanation of what made her decided to turn to psychology or why she suddenly has a patient. We never learn who the patient is, what his psychological problem is or what his back story is. Hell, we don’t even get a name from the guy. He’s just crazy and that’s apparently all you need to know.

But there was a catch unknown by her; the potion would alter if the normal tempered pony drank the potion.

Wow, way to spoil the rest of the story for us in the first paragraph. Now I don’t have to read anymore. Have a great day guys.
























I would not recommend this course of action, sir. Fans would be most upset.

Can I just not review this one?!

You have already started. I would recommend finishing the review.

Ugh… Fine, but you people owe me for this.

She learned how to make potions by watching Zecora make them for others.

Oh, yes. I’m sure that just watching Zecora mixing potions in a pot makes you an expert in potion making. All the explanations of dosages and the right chemical mixture? Pfft, you don’t need that.

Pinkie Pie enters Twilight’s house wondering what she is up to. Twilight welcomes her into her home and I have to scratch my head at this.

Not because Twilight is welcoming Pinkie Pie, but the fact that Twilight is letting Pinkie into her house, while she is not only with a psychological patient, but experimenting with a new potion. Wouldn’t you not want ponies poking their heads around in your patient’s business?

Psychological is here to help test the potion; he really wants to be change. I think that's what he said. Anyways, in 3 seconds flat, he will change." Twilight answered.

So, his name is Psychological? Damn, his parent’s must have had incredible foresight. Though to be fair, it is Equestria, so…

Pinkie Pie, in normal Pinkie Pie fashion, asks Twilight what flavor the potion will be.

As long as it’s not grape flavored, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get anyone to try it.

Twilight replies with…

"I know what flavor is, I'm a genius! Geez, but no there is no flavor."

Geez, Twilight. I think your horn is too small for your head. I know you’re smarter than all of us, but you don’t have to be rude about it.

Twilight didn't pay any attention, she grabbed a small glass and put it up the Psychological's mouth.

Wait, so now it’s ‘the Psychological’? What the fuck is going on here? We are not even 200 words in and I’m lost as hell! Is Psychological his name? His title? His occupation? What is he?! What is his story?!

So, Twilight, without testing the potion, at all, forces it down the Psychological’s throat?... You know what? I’m just going to call him ‘Steve’. However, Steve doesn’t seem to have any reaction to it. At all. There is nothing to indicate that Steve has any emotions, any feelings. Nothing. He doesn’t do a thing.

Hell, maybe Steve is dead and Twilight is just too stupid to notice. Given what is about to come up, that would not surprise me at the least.

"What the? When Zecora does potions they always work." Twilight said astonished.

Maybe because she actually knows what she’s doing! And all you’ve done is watch her make potions, instead of her actually teaching you!

Oh and here is the stupidest thing that Twilight will ever do in any fan fiction ever. I dare anypony. Anypony to come up with something that is stupider than what I am about to show you. I dare you to show me Twilight doing something stupider than this.

She took a sip of the potion to see if it would work. Nothing happened still.

Yep… She drank the potion. A potion designed for crazy horses.

No, not him.

An untested potion, no preliminary tests to show how it might affect her, no analysis of its effects on test subjects or any kind of research into potion making outside of “watching Zecora” and she drinks it up like its lemonade.

Did this author even read their story before publishing it?

I mean, this is so unbelievably stupid! I can’t believe that somepony of Twilight’s intelligence and wisdom would be absolutely stupid enough to drink an untested potion! Twilight is one of the smartest characters in the show and in your story, she admitted to being a genius! And this is what this ‘genius’ would do in this situation?

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Hell, she’s making Rainbow Dash from “Applejack’s Love Poison Dilemma” look competent by comparison.

I really don’t know what to say. That’s the biggest, dumbest thing you could do for this story. But unfortunately for me, this story is still going, so let’s just move on.

Pinkie Pie goes home and Twilight heads off to bed. You might be asking what happened to Steve? Keep wondering… he’s never mentioned again. He was just a forced tool to get this story rolling. Well, I’m glad your imagination couldn’t come up with an actual character to present this scenario on Twilight, otherwise, you might have actually had a good story. But you, of course, took the easy way out and made a character so forgettable, that you leave your audience questioning why this character was even born. Thank you, author. Thank you.

In the middle of the night, Twilight goes walking in her sleep.

But she stopped for a second. She fell to the floor in pain. She was changing.

"What's happening?!"

Oh, my god! She’s turning into a Mary-Sue! Run!

So after… um…we see nothing of what she changes into, we cut to Sugarcube Corner where Twilight is seen skulking around the place.

Twilight's eyes were like sombra's eyes, and her mane was all messed up.

:facehoof: All I need is some medication for my eyes. I’m turning into a second rate villain.

Wow, that’s two weeks in a row I’ve made fun of Sombra. … I really should stop. Tell you what guys. If he can get more than 7 lines of dialogue in a single episode, I’ll stop making fun of him.

So, Twilight tip toes into Sugarcube Corner (yes, horses do have toes. I checked), however, she accidently wakes up Pinkie Pie.

She got scared

Show, don’t tell. If she was scared, how did her fear affect her?! Don’t tell me she is scared! Show her being scared! Her hooves were sweaty, her heart was racing, her teeth were jittering, I don’t know! But fucking something!

she grabbed the first item she could find in her room.

Was it this?

Yeah, that will pretty much guarantees her safety. Turns out that they were having a sale on Laughter War machines at the Island of Laughter.

(cupcake)

What was that? Are you referencing Cupcakes? Why? And for that matter, why are you just saying cupcake? Is it supposed to symbolize how ironic this is to cupcakes? Is cupcake the weapon Pinkie Pie picked up? What is that supposed to tell us?! What are you trying to say?!

So, Pinkie Pie gets ambushed by Twilight and is then murdered. Yeah, it’s like half a second long too. No struggle, no internal torment. Hell, Twilight just jumps on her and cuts her up with a butcher’s knife.

"AH!" Pinkie screamed.

Yes, apparently, Pinkie Pie screamed so loud that nopony else in the house heard them. Mr. and Mrs. Cake must think that it’s Pinkie Pie making cupcakes in their basement again.

So, Pinkie Pie is dead and Twilight, for some reason, changes back to her normal self to overlook the body of her new dead friend. And actually takes murdering her best friend, pretty damn well. Uncharacteristically well.

Twilight changed back with not as much pain changing.

Oh, really? That wouldn’t have been interesting to read about. I thought she had been in pain because she fell out of bed and not because of the transformation. Thanks for making that clear, author.

So, they have a funeral for Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t indicate how much time has passed. Why am I bringing this up? Well, as we said last chapter, Twilight sees that she is the one who murdered Pinkie Pie. And yet, she seems pretty damn okay with it. She doesn’t confess her crime, doesn’t try to isolate herself from everypony to find out what is going on. Hell, she just goes to Pinkie Pie’s funeral likes it’s nothing.

Oh, yeah and apparently, Twilight also doesn’t remember killing her. Really? Because I think it would be fucking obvious that she did! What with a butcher knife in her hoof and Pinkie’s blood all over her! Wouldn’t that be like Godzilla waking up in the ruins of Tokyo and wondering if he was the one who smashed it?

Speaking of the funeral, apparently, Pinkie Pie wasn’t that well missed.

By then everything was quiet. Without Pinkie Pie keeping the smiles alive, Ponyville turned quiet. The ponies didn't smile at all after her death. But after that day, everything returned to some what normal.

So, apparently, after a day, everything returned to normal. Okay, in the stories defense it does say, ‘somewhat’, but what the hell does that mean? The only explanation for what ‘somewhat’ means is that

No pony had seen Rainbow Dash in a very long time.

So, did Pinkie’s death not affect anypony? It only says that they were sad up until the day after they buried her. There is no indication of Pinkie Pie being missed after that. And I very much doubt somepony, who singlehoofedly made everypony’s day brighter, so that they wouldn’t kill each other, would be forgotten so quickly.

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Besides, who doesn’t love that song? … Shut up! That’s my favorite song in the show and I’m standing by it!

Anyway, Rainbow Dash locks herself into her home and continues to grieve over Pinkie Pie’s death. The only in-character moment in this story. Be grateful we even got that.

However, Twilight tiptoes into her house… Why do I see this every time I think that?

This is the only time you will see Spike in this story. Enjoy it while you can. Yeah, you were probably wondering why Spike doesn’t appear in this story, even though he would probably be the one to figure out that Twilight keeps sneaking out of the library every night and killing all friends. But like everything else, it gets forced out of the story to make room for stupid ass murderous Twilight, that doesn’t even make sense to begin with!

Also, isn’t it kind of odd that Steve hasn’t had any change to him, whatsoever? And yet, Twilight seemed to be affected by it? Wouldn’t Steve have changed with Twilight? He drank the same damn potion!

So, Twilight breaks into Rainbow Dash’s house and attacks her.

She saw Twilight down the hall with a bloody knife held by her magic, the horn color wasn't the same.

Yeah, apparently, Twilight’s horn is a different color now. I assume that he means magical aura or whatever fans are calling it now, but hey the author didn’t give a shit when he/she wrote this, so why should I?

Then she remembered that the knife that Twilight was holding, was the same weapon that killed Pinkie.

Wait, they knew what murder weapon was used on Pinkie Pie?! And there was no follow up on the investigation?! Are you fucking kidding me?! If they have a murder weapon, why isn’t it being used for evidence? I’m pretty sure the method of which the murder was committed would be pretty damn useful in the investigation! Especially if they dusted it for… okay, maybe not hoof prints since Twilight carried it with her magic, but maybe there is a magical ‘fingerprint’ that’s unique to all unicorns. And if that’s too bizarre for you, maybe a trace of hair or something.

Also, if the police did have it, but, for some reason, didn’t consider it evidence, how would they know it was Twilight Sparkle’s, since she now has it?!

Cop: Miss Twilight Sparkle, we found your knife covered in Pinkie Pie’s blood the other day. Do you know anything about that?

Nope. Don’t know anything about it.

Cop: We also found Rainbow Dash’s head cut off and put on a spike in your front yard. You wouldn’t happen to know how that got there, would you?

Can’t say I do.

Cop: We also found Luna and Celestia crucified in your backyard with a big sign over their heads in blood spelling, “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, hereby murder Luna and Celestia.” Would you know anything about that?

Nope.

Cop: Okay, we were just checking. Have a good day.

Good god, these cops are making the ones from Avenging Hobbits’ Flutterhulk look like fucking Robocop.

"You killed Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Why yes, I can't believe you figured that out!

I’m surprised as fuck that Twilight hasn’t figured it out yet! Isn’t Twilight supposed to be the smart one? Maybe her brain is taking a vacation. Just like the author’s when he wrote this piece of shit.

And guess who's next?" Twilight teased.

Hopefully, me. So I don’t have to read this story anymore.

So, yeah, Twilight murders Rainbow Dash, but then the sun comes up and changes her back to normal. Yeah, apparently, Twilight only becomes evil during the night, proving that, once again, Celestia is so much better than Luna.

Okay, two deaths and Twilight has broken out of her trance after the murders. Surely, now Twilight will come to realize that she is connected with their deaths.

"How did I end up here? How do I make it here at the times of their deaths?" Twilight asked herself.

Or Twilight could continue to be a fucking idiot!

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So, they have a funeral for Rainbow Dash the next day. Damn, they work fast on funerals, don’t they? I guess with Pinkie Pie gone, everypony just doesn’t care about life anymore.

Ponyville Suicide Rates Before Pinkie’s Death: 0

Ponyville Suicide Rates After Pinkie’s Death: 5 in 6 ponies.

Rainbow Dash's funeral, all her friends came and said a few words.

Yeah, don’t worry about seeing the few words being said in Rainbow Dash’s honor. We never see them. So, I guess the author had nothing good to say about Rainbow Dash.

Hell, even the Wonderbolts say more than her friends do about her! What the hell kind of friends are these?

Oh and our beloved ‘genius’ is still completely dense as to how she arrived at the ponies’ home, has their blood all over her body and only awakens after their dead. But of course, I’m thinking of canon Twilight, where she would at least try to figure out what is going on and isolate herself until she discovered what is going on.

And here’s another problem I have with this story. The investigation. The problem? There is no mention of one! Remember those cops I spoke about before? Well, instead of being mentioned, like they should, they never appear once in this story!

I very much doubt that Celestia would just sweep the fact that one of the Elements of Harmony, one of the six guardians of Equestria, was murdered. If this were in an in-canon story of My Little Pony, every single soldier in the Equestrian Military would be working around the clock to find out the identity of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash’s killer!

The remaining Elements of Harmony wielders would be put into protective custody, since they are the most likely targets! And it’s not like Celestia doesn’t know about the murders, she attends Pinkie Pie’s funeral! You mean to tell me that Celestia isn’t going to put an investigation together when one of her most faithful student’s best friends dies?! BULL CRAP!

When Rainbow Dash was put to her final sleep, every pony left without their tears

What is it with the ponies of Ponyville not giving a shit about the characters after they are buried?

Okay, moving on. So, Twilight goes to Rarity and asks her to make a dress for her in Rainbow Dash’s honor. Seems kind of stupid since Rainbow Dash doesn’t normally like dresses, but hey, this is Dumbass Sparkle. Dumbass Sparkle is completely in-character with this scene and every scene before and after it.

So, Rarity agrees making the dress for Dumbass.

the dress was beautiful,

Was it this beautiful?

Not what you had in mind? Then describe it! Although the multiple colors do represent Rainbow Dash, it just looks horrible!

So, they decide to do a fitting on Twilight and Rarity starts laughing at how odd it looks on Twilight. Which is completely insensitive. Bitch.

Twilight started to get annoyed, she took the dress off, and trotted home. She was so mad, Rarity would laugh at this thing that ment so much to Twilight.

… Remember when I said that I dared you all to find something where Twilight did something stupider than drinking that untested potion… Well, I found it… I found it… In the same fucking story! Get a load of this bullshit!

I hope something happens to her tonight.   Twilight whispered to herself.

… You know… sometimes… I get asked how I am able to review such stories… week in and week out… and… it’s not easy… It’s not easy having to sitting through the most revolting of stories on the website. There is being stupid… and then there is clearly not even giving a shit. This story clearly does not care. Its author doesn’t care. Its characters don’t care… it just doesn’t care.

Twilight… after seeing two of her friend’s deaths… asks for something to happen to Rarity. Now, I know that she is upset for Rarity laughing at her when she was trying to get something nice for Rainbow Dash (which was still incredibly out of character), but for her to wish such a thing to happen, especially so shortly after Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were murder. … It just makes me absolutely sick.

Let’s continue…

So, yeah, Twilight breaks into Rarity’s home and starts sneaking around. Rarity ends up hearing the noise and thinks that it’s Sweetie Belle.

"It's not me." Sweetie Belle said as she looked up at Rarity.

" If you aren't up? Some pony must be inside. Stay here, don't move no matter what."

:raritywink: And if it sounds like I’m being ripped open by a psychopath with a knife, definitely don’t call the police. And if I unleash a blood curdling scream, don’t get out of the house to safety.

:unsuresweetie: Uh… Rarity, wouldn’t that be the first thing I’d want to do?

:duck: Seriously, Sweetie, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.

So, Rarity gets killed by Twilight again. Seriously, this is sounding like Gainbow Dash, but instead of having sex, it is replaced with murder. Seriously, it’s practically identical as far as story structure. Sweetie Belle stays in her room, not even hearing about the murder taking place.

The sun begins to rise and Twilight wakes up from her trance. Okay, third friend in three days. Surely, Twilight has to realize that something is seriously wrong with her.

"How does this keep happening!" Twilight screamed.

Why do I even try anymore?

So, after three ponies later, Twilight finally discovers what has been happening. I’m surprise the half the town hasn’t been buried yet with her detective skills.

After Rarity's funeral, Twilight went back to her lab, trying to figure out how she always ended up at the time her friends were killed. The it came to mind, her potion

:twilightsmile: I’m a genius! And half of my friends are dead!

"I took a sip of it, and it didn't work for psychological, but maybe every night, I'm changing. And the last pony I see, is the one that is killed that day. It's me! I'm the murderer!" Twilight thought.

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So, Applejack comes into Twilight’s house carrying around apples, because that is the only thing that is associated with her character. It’s certainly not hard work, family values, determination, a willingness to help others, bravery, selflessness and honesty. No, she’s only apples.

Twilight confesses to Applejack that she’s the murderer, but Applejack doesn’t believe her, saying that Twilight would never do something like that. This would be an in-character moment, if Twilight wasn’t so upset about this and Applejack doesn’t even question it. In fact, she goes home shortly after without even asking why Twilight would even think that.

Now, once could say that Applejack thinks that Twilight is under duress, but wouldn’t a true friend like Applejack want to be there to figure out why her friend would blame herself? I guess she does only care about apples.

Anyway, night falls and we see Twilight sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres. One would think that Twilight would do something sensible like, turning herself in or asking Princess Celestia for help, but remember this is Dumbass Sparkle. The pony who would do the exact opposite of anything resembling Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack hears a noise and decides to go to investigate.

"I'll go down stairs, Big Mac look up here with Applebloom." Applejack ordered.

:applejackunsure: And if it sounds like a murder is happening downstairs, just pretend like everything’s okay. And definitely don’t call the police.

:applecry: That’s the same thing Rarity said to Sweetie Belle before she died.

:ajsmug: Come on, do you really think I’ll die if I go?

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So, Applejack goes down and Twilight attacks her and kills her. Sure didn’t waste any time with her, did you author?

The sun rises and I just thought of something. Isn’t it odd that Twilight always kills her prey seconds before Celestia raises the sun? What if one day Celestia decided to raise the sun late? Would evil Twilight just stare at the body until the sun came up?

So, Big MacIntosh and Apple Bloom actually rush downstairs to see Twilight standing over the dead body of their sister. I would ask why they don’t instantly accuse her of murdering Applejack, but hey, this is an idiot plot. We can’t have intelligent characters in an idiot plot.

Don’t know what an idiot plot is? Look it up.

"Applejack? Is she?" Applebloom asked Big Mac.

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Wow, that was kind of harsh, Big Mac. Is this how you always give depressing news to kids?

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Stupid question.

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Shut up!

So, they have the funeral for Applejack where the whole Apple family comes along.

Fluttershy asks Twilight what they should do, and Twilight leaves her to go read up on the potion she made.

She must be really sad about losing almost all her friends. Twilight thought.

That night, Fluttershy gets murdered in her house by Twilight. Yeah, nothing much else happens or is even worth mentioning.

I guess Fluttershy was begging to be killed quickly to get out of this stupid story.

"No, no. Not again!" Twilight screamed.

NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT SOMETHING THAT I COULD HAVE TOTALLY PREVENTED BY ACTUALLY TURNING MYSELF IN OR GETTING HELP FROM SOMEPONY WHO COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME LIKE PRINCESS CELESTIA, OR LUNA, OR DISCORD OR SHINING ARMOR OR PRINCESS CADENCE OR ANYPONY I KNOW IN PONYVILLE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

At Fluttershy's funeral, not many ponies had shown up to the funeral;

Dicks… Or maybe they’re getting tired of funerals. After all, this is the fifth funeral in five days.

Twilight, being depressed about murdering her friends, but clearly not enough to do anything about it, decides to go to the Crystal Empire to clear her head. Yeah, because when you turn into a murderous psychopath every night, the first thing you’d want to do is get closer to the ones you love. That makes perfect sense! It certainly makes it easier for you to kill them!

Twilight explains what happened to Shining Armor and of course, this being an idiot plot, Shining reacts as if Twilight forgot to take their dog for a walk to other day. Twilight is allowed to stay at the Crystal Empire, provided that she be kept under close guard.

Cadence tries to ask Twilight what is going on, but Twilight refuses to tell her. So, Shining Armor is okay to explain it to, but Cadence isn’t? Well, I think we all know that Shining Armor is going to die. After all, we have to keep this dumbass mystery going somehow.

When they get to Twilight’s room, Shining says he will stand guard over her, but then decides that he needs his beauty sleep. Oh, fuck me.

And then Twilight murders Shining Armor.

Twilight used her magic holding the butcher's knife.

Where does she keep finding the butcher’s knives?! Do the just spontaneously appear when she changes into her ‘evil’ self?! Does she just keep them up her ass to use them on whoever she wants?!

So, with Shining Armor dead and the only pony in the room being Twilight, surely Princess Cadence… Oh, wait, I had hope for a second. Never mind.

So, they have a funeral for Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother. Why am I reminding you of information you already know? Because I’m hoping that the author is reading this and I hope that he thinks about all I’ve said so far.

It is revealed that Cadence wasn’t told about Twilight’s murderous behavior and Twilight will never tell her.

Twilight didn't want to tell her. She didn't want to lose her her favorite Foal- Sitter.

Oh, yeah, because not telling other ponies has protected everypony you love so well. I’m sure Applejack, Fluttershy and Shining Armor would say the same thing.

I have to tell Celestia before it's too late! Twilight said to herself.

Too late…

So, Twilight goes to Celestia and explains what has happened. Celestia tells her to go to hell and … oh, wait, that’s my version of the story.

She tells Twilight to go wait for her. Celestia does what should have happened after Pinkie Pie’s death and locks Twilight in a cell. The moon rises and Twilight goes psycho, but thankfully, since she’s locked up, she can’t hurt anypony. See? My ideas aren’t stupid after all.

Celestia manages to get a potion that cures Twilight of her ‘ailment’ and she explains that she also has a spell that can bring her friends back from the dead.

Did I read that right? I mean, did I seriously read that right?

"Twilight. You haven't lost them all. Cast this spell, round up the elements of harmony, "

Good fucking Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! The Elements of Harmony in bad fan fics! They can do whatever contrived, forced, completely nonsensical thing the author wants them to!

So, yeah, the spell brings them back to life and Twilight is ever so happy. She asks Celestia why she never uses this spell.

"Luna and I only use the spell if need be." Celestia answered.

So, I guess death is no longer an issue with ponies, since now Twilight knows the spell and if anything happens to her friends, she would just use the spell to bring them back to life, making this whole story completely pointless.

And they all lived happily ever after, fuck this piece of shitstorm!

Do I even need to explain why this story sucks?

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Shut up, you!

Put aside whether you like gore fan fiction or not, this story is completely idiotic. The premise is stupid, the characters are so out of character that it makes me feel like I’m watching cardboard cut outs of them, the descriptions are weak, the dialogue is terrible, there are tons of typos, and of course, it makes no fucking sense!

There are several ways Twilight could have solved this with a simple thought. And yet, she uses none of them. The whole point of this story was to make Twilight as unbelievable stupid as possible. For some reason, the author hates Twilight Sparkle so much that this story needed to be written.

Look if you don’t like Twilight Sparkle, fine. But if you are going to write her being stupid, it has got to make fucking sense! Her drinking the potion, not telling Celestia what has happened when she discovered that she is the murderer, her not isolating herself when she does figure it out is like you are intentionally trying to make her stupid.

That’s not how good writing works.

The other characters are not much better. Hell, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash seemed to be the only characters actually in character and that’s only because they weren’t in it for very long.

Applejack acts like an idiot for not question why Twilight would think she is responsible for their deaths, Rarity is insensitive and Shining Armor’s a moron. In my opinion, if these characters were this stupid, the probably deserved to die.

And then there is the stupid ass ending! What is that supposed to teach us? If you become a murderer and you kill those you love, it’s okay because there is some magic bullshit that will bring them back to life. Good god, what kind of lesson is that?

There is only one thing to say about this story…

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Stop being so courteous!

***

“Good fucking god, that one was awful,” he ranted as he stood up from his normal spot. Suddenly, the lights started to flicker. On and off without any kind of rhythm or rhyme. Critique glanced around him, noting the effects being felt across the entire house. “Computer?”

“It is-“ her speech was cut off by static. “-sir. Something is-“ again her speech was cut.

“Computer, what the hell is going on?!” Critique demanded as he looked up to the ceiling. The front door burst open, sending pieces of the splinters soaring into the room. The Critique fell to the floor, cowering.

He glanced to the opening of the building and spotted a figure trotting towards him. The smoke made concealed most of his body, but Critique was still able to make out his shape. It was certainly a pony. The wings at his side revealed him to be a Pegasus. As the smoke clear, he saw a blue Pegasus smirking at him.

“So, you’re what all the fuss is about?” The Pegasus chuckled. “I’m not impressed so far.”

Critique rose to his feet, glaring at his opponent. “Who the fuck are you?”

Streams of electricity flickered out of the Pegasus’s body as his eyes began to glow white. “The name is Thunder Ice.” He took a step forward. “I’d tell you not to forget it, but you won’t live long enough to worry about that.”

Thunder fired a stream of electricity at the Critique, hitting him before he could act. Critique’s body shook uncontrollably as the electrical current flew through his body. The jolt sent the Critique flying back into the wall behind him. He then fell to the ground with a thud.

His lungs unleashed a moaning as he slowly rose to his feet. Numbness shot through his legs. They tingled as his body attempted to bring life back into them. Looking up at his opponent, he saw him still carrying the same arrogant, pompous smirk he had when he came in. Whoever this pony was, he was taking pleasure in attacking him. “Did I do something to you I should know about? Stole your parking space?”

Thunder shook his head. “Don’t feel like that. It’s nothing personal.” His body began to flicker with electricity once more. “Well, maybe a little personal.” He fire another bolt of lightning at Critique.

Critique quickly leaped to the side, hoping to avoid the lightning bolt. By a miracle, he seemed to step out of its path in time. Whether the bolt was slower than he anticipated or he was fast enough to move out of the way, he wasn’t certain. He looked up to the ceiling as he made his way to the other side of the room. “Computer, shotgun!”

Like magic, a concealed door opened in one of the walls, firing the shotgun into the air and towards Critique. Critique snatched the shotgun from the air and pointed it at his opponent. With a quick pump, he pulled the trigger, unleashing a burst of pellets at Thunder.

However, before the pellets could reach Thunder’s body, there was flash of electricity in front of him, acting like a wall, stopping the blast. Again, Critique fired, hoping for a different reaction. Only to find the same electrical wall preventing any damage to Thunder. Again and again he fired. And again, the wall negated his attack.

Critique grunted in frustration as he threw his now empty shotgun to the ground. Well, that was fucking useless. Thanks, Celestia!

Thunder chuckled. “Nice shot.” He raised his hoof as electricity sparked from it. “Now, it’s my turn.” He pointed his hoof at Critique unleashing another bolt. Critique dived out of the way, narrowing avoid the blast.

Critique rushed into the kitchen with Thunder just behind him, repeatedly firing his lightning bolts at him. They flew past him, instead hitting the walls, leaving black scorching marks on the walls. Critique revealed his phone. “Computer, who is this guy?”

“Unknown-“ static cut her out again, making it impossible to tell what she was saying.

“Computer, what is going on?!”

Static began as she attempted to speak. “-tical interference. I am--- correct the problem.”

“Whatever! Just do something!”

Critique made his way to the far end of the kitchen. He turned to face his opponent, waiting for him to attack. He had hoped to find a weapon in the kitchen, but with Thunder so close, he couldn’t make a move. He needed to put some distance between them, but he wasn’t sure how yet.

He waited in the corner as Thunder slowly approached him, like a cat about to pounce on a helpless mouse. However, Thunder paused for a moment. He turned towards the sink next to him and grabbed one of the cups from the side. He turned on the facet and proceeded to gather up a drink of water.

Critique growled under his breath. Cocky, arrogant bastard! However, he took this moment to dash towards one of the cupboards. He quickly opened it up and revealed a pot. He stood up and threw the pot as hard as he could.

The pot soared through the air until it hit Thunder in the face, causing him to yelp in surprise. Critique had hoped it would knock him out quickly, but he was still standing.

Thunder turned towards Critique, glaring at him. “If you damaged my perfect face, I’ll fry you!” He raised his hoof and fired a stream of lightning at Critique.

Critique dove under the table, avoiding the electrical blast. “You were going to anyway!”

Thunder chortled. “Touché.”

Suddenly, a chilling wind tapped Critique’s front hooves. He stammered backwards as he glanced forward. The floor was coated in ice and the source was coming from Thunder.

Critique raced out from under the table, his eyebrow raised. “You have ice powers too?! That’s so not fair!”

Thunder rose to his feet and conjured a gentle cool breeze against his body. “Now, that’s what I call refreshing.”

Lightning fired from Thunder’s hoof as he pointed it back to Critique. Critique darted for the main hall, hoping that he wasn’t hit by another blast of electricity.

As he entered the main hall, Critique made his way upstairs. He positioned himself on top of the stairs, ready to pounce on his target at any moment. Thunder appeared from the kitchen, scanning the area. While he was distracted, Critique gathered all the strength in his legs and leaped off the staircase, descending to his opponent.

He knocked him to the ground, his forelegs wrapped around him. “Gotcha!” Critique shouted.

Thunder’s eyes glowed as electricity shot through his body and into Critique’s.

Critique yelped in agony as he let go of Thunder’s body. The force of the electricity sent him soaring back several feet. His ears were ringing and his vision faded in and out, as if the lights were flickering on and off. When his vision returned, he noticed Thunder standing directly over him.

“You’re not very smart, are you?” Thunder taunted.

Critique quickly swept his hind leg under Thunder’s forelegs. Without his forelegs, Thunder tumbled to the ground with a thud.

Critique took that moment to rise to his feet and dart to the other end of the library and hide behind a bookshelf. “Computer, now would be good!” He yelled to his phone as a surge of electricity slammed in the book case, lighting several of the books on fire.

“Our foe seems to utilize electricity. It is why it has taken me so long to communicate with you.”

Critique dashed away from the bookcase as it creaked behind him. He narrowly evaded the bookcase as it collapsed to the ground. “Got any other useless information?”

“Have you tried using rubber gloves, sir?” her voice slightly more sarcastic than usual.

Critique ran towards a ladder that lead to higher shelves and the upper level of the library. “Do we have any?!” Another bolt of lightning ran past him, slamming into the wall instead. Thank god, this guy’s a lousy shot.

Critique made his way to the far end of the upper level, crouching into a corner, holding his phone up to his face.

“Indeed we do, sir. Not that you would ever use them to actually clean anything.”

Critique gave a sigh. “That’s why I have you.”

“Regardless, they are in the kitchen.”

Critique’s mouth dropped as his brow narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me while I was in there?!”

“I assumed you already knew. Apparently, I forgot who I was talking to.”

Critique mockingly mimicked Computer, as he poked his head out from behind the bookcase. Another bolt of lightning shot against the bookcase, causing it to rumble. Critique moved out from behind the book case. He dashed across the walkway above the main floor, avoiding shots of electricity as he moved.

However, his luck was cut short when a blast of lightning finally found his body, sending him to the back bookcase. As he landed on the floor, books fell to the ground with him, some of them slamming into his back. His body throbbed uncontrollably, as if the electricity was still affecting him. Black spots covered his body that burned his skin. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

He glanced forward to see a book in front of him burning up. He quickly glanced at the title. “Oh, man! I was almost done with that one too! Now, I’ll never know if Pinkie and Twilight got married!”

His phoned beeped. “Don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?”

Critique grumbled under his breath. “It was one of the few good stories in this stupid place.” He crawled along the ground, staying as low as he could, but still trying to move quickly. He looked over to his right to see the blue Pegasus soaring up to the higher floors, his hooves pointing straight at him.

So much for that idea, Critique screamed. He quickly picked himself up off the ground and made a mad dash for the kitchen. As he moved, he heard Thunder give a sigh of relief as a cold breeze flew across his face. What is this guy’s problem?

It didn’t seem to matter as that few seconds gave him ample time to make his way down the staircase and into the kitchen.

“They should be in the first cabinet,” Computer’s voice rung from his phone.

Critique dove for the cabinet and opened it as quickly as he could. He frantically shoved several cleaners around, looking for the rubber gloves. Finally, he found the two yellow gloves trapped in a plastic wrapper. “Perfect.”

“Remember, some of my systems are still suffering from the electrical interference. I will be unable to be of much assistance.”

Critique scoffed with a confident smile. “Relax.” He tore open the plastic wrap and slipped the long yellow gloves over his forelegs. “I can handle this.”

A bolt of electricity soared over his head, causing him to hit the ground, quaking in fear. He turn to the doorway of the kitchen to see Thunder standing over him. With his confident smile still intact, he fired a blast of lightning at Critique.

Critique raised his forelegs in front of him. He closed his eyes, praying to whatever god was listening that this would work. A second passed and his felt no pain in his body. He opened his eyes to see Thunder’s mouth hung open. It appears that the gloves had worked.

Thunder scoffed and shook his head. “Really? Rubber?”

Critique smiled and laughed. “Let’s see how tough you are without your lightning powers!” Critique rushed to Thunder. Thunder fired a blast of lightning at him, but Critique was able to block it with his rubber glove.

After coming within striking distance, Critique delivered a blow with his foreleg. Thunder staggered to the ground, but was able to get back to his feet. Another blow came to his face, the rubber glove protecting Critique from any damage.

Thunder stumbled backwards, but was able to keep his footing. As Critique swung another blow, Thunder caught the attack in his own hoof. A quick burst of ice and the glove was frozen solid. Critique’s mouth dropped open as he let out a nervous laugh.

A moment later, a bolt surged through Critique’s body, sending him several feet across the room, slamming into the floor. Critique slowly rose from the ground, the smell of burning meat assaulting his nostrils. “What smells so good?” Critique quipped.

“Not funny, sir,” Computer replied.

Thunder growled as he fired another lightning bolt. Critique quickly rose to his feet and ran for the other side of the room, avoiding the blast.

Critique dove for the cover of the table, avoiding another blast of lightning. As he shivered under the table, he heard the facet turn on once again. He looked out from under the table and Thunder was once again, stealing a drink of water.

What is with this guy?! He stops to steal my water before frying my ass! Critique curled back under the table, grumbling under his breath. However, a though then came to him. What if that isn’t arrogance? What if it’s something else? He quickly reexamined every aspect of the fight he could remember. How the electric attacks were used and for how long. How the ice powers were used. Everything that Thunder had said it the fight. It all led to one answer.

He whispered to his phone, “Computer, turn off all water to the building and turn up the heat all the way.”

“You have a plan?”

Critique shook his head. “I hope so. Otherwise, this will be a short fight.” Critique revealed himself out from under the table. “Yo! Thunder Ass!” Thunder turned towards him firing a bolt of lightning. Critique dove out of its path and raced back into the main hall.

As he made his way to the center of the hall, he found the bookcase from earlier still on the ground, most of the books were now piles of ash. The only thing left from the fire was smoke. He turned his head to the kitchen and shouted. “Can’t you fry any of the bad ones?! Those were good ones!”

Thunder appeared from the kitchen, the same damn smirk on his face. “Oh, I’ll fry the bad one!” He unleashed another bolt from his hoof.

Critique ducked as the bolt passed over his body. Okay, good quip.

He rose to his feet and ran towards another bookcase, hiding behind it. Another series of blasts came at the Critique, but he narrowly avoided them. As he sat down a moment to catch his breath, beads of sweat ran down his face. He wiped his brow gathering all of the sweat in his gloveless hoof. It is getting hot in here. He unwrapped the scarf around his neck and threw it to the ground. Hopefully, he’s feeling it too.

“You know that thunder is the sound, right?!” Critique shouted. “Not the actual bolt itself!”

Another blast hit the bookshelf, causing the books to light on fire. Critique raced out of his only cover, exposing himself out in the open.

Thunder grinned as their eyes met. With a swift move, Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning at Critique. Critique raised his gloved foreleg in front of him, allowing the glove to absorb the attack. “Is that the best you’ve got? Even Lightning was tougher!”

Thunder growled. He slowly raised his hoof and pointed it at the Critique.

Critique smiled as he watched his opponent. His movements were sluggish. Thunder’s breath was heavy, like he had just run a marathon. “Couldn’t help but notice, you stopped mouthing off.” Critique leaned forward and gave a smirk. “What’s the matter? Mouth a little-“ he licked his lips. “-dry?”

Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning from his hoof. Critique stepped out of the attack’s path. “You’re so slow. Too hot for you.”

Thunder rushed back into the kitchen and made his way to the sink. He turned the facet handles. Putting the cup under the facet, he waited for the cup to fill. However, not a single drop came to the cup.

Critique watched as Thunder threw the cup against the floor. “That lightning you generate must be incredibly strenuous on your body. It causes your body to overheat. That’s why you need the ice powers.”

Thunder turned to him, his eyes narrowed and his teeth gritting. He raised his hoof and pointing his hoof at Critique.

Critique grinned. “You’re like a battery. You use a lot of electricity and that overheats your body. The ice powers act like a fan.”

Thunder unleashed another bolt of lightning, but as before, Critique simply stepped out of the way.

Critique took a small step towards him. “But what happens when that fan breaks?”

Thunder fell to his knees, heavy panting filling the air around them. “You haven’t beaten me.”

A shadow appeared over Thunder, as he looked up he saw Critique, his hoof ready to strike. “Loser, I just did.”

With a swift blow, Critique delivered his hoof into Thunder’s face. Thunder fell to the ground without another movement.

A tingling sensation was sent up Critique’s foreleg as his hoof started throbbing. “Jesus, that fucking hurt!” He grabbed his hoof and started to shake it, as if trying to shake off the pain.

“Sir, are you alright?” Computer asked.

Critique looked up to the ceiling. “Just fucking peachy.” He looked back down to his hoof, still stinging. “I think I broke my fucking hoof.”

“You will be happy to know that all my systems are back online and that I have sent a message to Princess Celestia about your attack.”

Critique looked back up to the ceiling, his mouth wide open. “You mean you haven’t done that yet?!”

“As I said, my systems were compromised by the electrical interference. The communication system was jammed. Proving that, once again, this was no random attack.”

“What do you mean?”

“That is twice you have been attacked for no reason. While you are incredibly unlikeable, nopony we know would attack you like this. Certainly not want to see you dead. These ponies intentionally choose you. Remember what Lightning Dawn said when you first fought him?”

Critique put his hoof on his chin and shook his head.

“He said that you had put his people in danger.”

“But I don’t do anything!” Critique responded.

“Perhaps, sir. But he believes that you are.”

Critique couldn’t help but stare at the ground, where his opponent lay. Thoughts of more ponies like him, like Lightning, plagued his mind. If these attacks were planned by somepony, and these ponies were just the puppets, who was the puppet master?

***

As the monitor flashed in front of him, it revealed the image of the green stallion standing over another one of his warriors in victory.  The Grand Ruler shook his head in disapproval. Thunder was powerful, that was no mistake, but he was rash and arrogant. That was, of course, his down fall. And while he stated to being loyal to him, he did not believe. The Grand Ruler had faith that one day, he would believe and the power of believing would see him through the most difficult of challenges.

Until then, Thunder was a lost soul, looking for the light.

The sound of hoofsteps echoed into the room. “Has there been any word, my Grand Ruler?” Starla’s voice was heard from the darkness.

The Grand Ruler looked back up to the screen. “There has.” Silence reigned in the room for several moments as Starla approached the Grand Ruler’s throne. “Thunder has failed.”

Starla lowered her head, a frown appearing on her face. She glanced away from the screen. The Grand Ruler turned towards her and shook his head. “I fear that our enemy is growing more powerful each passing day.”

Starla raised her head up and took a step forward. “Allow me to deal with him, my Grand Ruler.”

“No. I shall have another deal with him.”

Starla took another step forward. “But-“

The Grand Ruler slammed is hoof against the arm of his throne. “I said, I forbid it.”

Starla lowered her head and turned towards the exit. Her echoing hoofsteps becoming silent as she disappeared into the darkened room.

The Grand Ruler placed his hoof on his chin. One of my unicorns has failed. A Pegasus with powers has failed. Perhaps the answer to defeating him lies in a human.

The Grand Ruler smiled. And I know just the one. It was the perfect human. A human with the power to snap the Critique’s neck like a twig. Surely then, they would have the peace they desired.

The High Road

Hello, everypony. I am Computer.

I know that many of you were expecting my master to do his usual reviews. However, for the past week, he has been bedridden. Apparently, the last story he reviewed took quite a toll on his psyche.

Do not worry about the stallion that attempted to kill him. He receives death threats almost every day. Unfortunately, he will be unable to review this week. Do not worry, he will return next week.

However, to ensure that his work does go on, I will be performing the review for this week.

MY LIFE IS HELL! EVERYTHING I DO SUCKS!

Pay no attention to him. He will be fine. As for the review, I have chosen a story that I think many of you will agree is a bad story.

This is usually the point where my master will attempt to prove how smart he is by explaining what he thinks he knows about Friendship is Magic. I will do no such thing. Instead, I will explain the premise of the story. A pony comes to the real world in order to convert a human into a brony.




This is usually the point where my master would place an image conveying his reactions. Allow me to try.

I hope that expression is sufficient. Yes, the idea for this story is as absurd as it sounds. However, unlike my master, who becomes too emotionally invested into his work, I will simply analyze this story for what it is, marking the good and the bad.

Let us begin the review of The High Road by Windy Chaser

I wish to talk about the description a bit. My master usually skips them, but I wish to do this review proper. The description before the story can be interpreted as a spoiler alert. It reveals that the main character, who is named Riley, is to become a brony with Rainbow Dash’s help.

This gives us the ending in the summery. After reading the description, it is unlikely that the reader will want to read the story, if the reader already knows the ending. In a summary of your story, you will want to describe events that the story will primarily focus on to draw your audience in. At the same time, you do not want to reveal anything about the story, leaving it ambiguous so that it entices the reader to discover more.

We begin our story with the main character introducing himself and what his interests are. I do not think that is a good way to begin the story. Usually, you will want to begin your story with something that attracts the attention of your audience.

Your audience is not interested in who you are as a person and what you are into. Your audience is interested in a story. They clicked on the link because they want a story being told to them. Once you have invested the reader into your story, then you can give them the bits of information you want to give them, allowing them to know your character.

My name is Riley, I am a brony. I am in a clan of gamers who play just to have fun.

I was under the impression that gamers typically play to have fun.

He explains how he one day met a pony that changed his life forever. Rainbow Dash.

Today,  I was playing minecraft, when I heard a bang on my window. I jerk my head over to the sound, but I see nothing.

I do not understand. Is this story in past tense or present tense? The story switches back and forth between them. ‘See’ is a present tense word. It shows what it currently happening now. For example, I ‘see’ a pathetic pony crying in his bed because of a fanfic he reviewed a week ago.

MY LIFE IS PATHETIC!

As you can see, currently what is happening, my master is crying his eyes out. That is an example of present tense. In past tense, such as the word ‘heard’, it would go something like, my master heard my comment about him being a crybaby.

5 YEARS OF ENGLISH LITERATURE CLASSES WASTED!

As you can see, I was referring to a previous comment that was stated. That is an example of past tense. This story switches between the two, making it difficult to determine when the story takes place. Is what the main character describing happening now? Or is he telling us about it from his memories?

The main character hears another knock at window and sees that Rainbow Dash is begging him to let her inside. He proceeds to do so and wraps her up in a blanket.

I must say for a human in the normal world, you have taken the news that there is a flying pony at your window quiet well. Most humans would have this reaction.

She is sitting there with a sad look on her face. I could tell she was upset about something

Question, would you expect any creature that was taken from their world for unexplained reasons not to be upset? Based on the information the main character describes to us, it is unlikely that our hero is very intelligent.

So, Rainbow Dash decides to stay with the stranger and become instant friends with him.

Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not take time to develop a friendship? Getting to know one’s history and backgrounds? Likes and dislikes? And yet, in this story, Rainbow Dash instantly takes a liking to a creature she has never seen before and knows nothing about.

I also told her she could sleep in my step-brothers bed.

I also told her that she could stay with me until she could find a way back to her home town. She is happy, and although I'm not a brony, I'm happy.

Goodness, it continues to switch back and forth between past tense and present tense. It continues throughout the story. I will attempt to resist the urge to point them out, but do not expect much success. I assume that it was written in this format to portray a diary approach in style, but even by taking that into account, it still does not make any sense.

The only reason I'm up this late, is because I got out of bed, I climbed on the rail of Rainbow Dash's bed, and now, I'm sitting there, staring at her.

Even by the standards of a machine that eyes her master every single night, that is disturbing. I hope none of you take that in anyway other than keeping a close watch on him.

The story continues in a My Little Dashie fashion. If you are unfamiliar with the My Little Dashie story, it is about a young man who finds a young Rainbow Dash and raises her as a daughter. It is quite an emotional piece. Perhaps my master will give his opinion on that one day.

Unfortunately, nothing of interest or anything of substance happens for several paragraphs, so I will omit them from my review.

Eventually, the parents of the main character discover Rainbow Dash and react how the main character should have reacted when he first saw her. The main character explains that he is not sure how Rainbow Dash appeared, but that he will care for her until they can find a way to transport her home.

The parents give the most realistic actions you could imagine. They are at first hesitant and aren’t sure what to make of her. However, they realize that the creature is a child and a stranger and they opt to help out however they can.

I suppose this is one of those rare stories where adult figures are not portrayed as “stupid or evil” as my master puts it.

One of the story elements that seemed to get repeated throughout the narrative is that the author attempts to convince us that he is not a brony and he never will be a brony. Sometimes it is not even a paragraph later we are reminded that he is not a brony.

I'm not sure what the HELL a sonic rainboom is, but I could always just go on Netflix, and take a peek at My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and see. Or I could always just ask a brony.

I smiled, pulled out my iPod, and looked at our pictures together, then I started to think something. (I think...I might be becoming a...brony!).

The only reason I thought this, was because of 1, the MILLIONS of REALLY funny brony videos on YouTube

But the only reasons I’m NOT going to do that is because, 1. I’m not a brony,

I know this is the central premise of the story, but must you constantly remind us that you are not a brony?

I am bothered by the SHOW itself. Look, I know that it would make me look “bad” in front of my friends…*No offence to any of you bronies, I don’t have a problem with you*.

Apparently, you must.

The main character wants to watch a movie with Rainbow Dash and he allows her to choose the movie. He then starts to explain Rainbow Dash’s personality in full detail. This is an example of telling us rather than showing us. Allow me to explain.

“Showing” in a narrative standpoint is the act making the reader feel what the characters are feeling in the story. For example, if I were to describe some pony as ‘smelly and disgusting’, you would only have the word of the author. That is an example of telling.

If I wanted to show you this ‘smelly and disgusting’ character it would look like this. “His zit covered face gave a yellow and black toothed smile. The stench of vomit and old garlic, originating from his breath, assaulted her nostrils.”

That is an example of showing. It allows the audience to realize just how repulsive that character is.

In this narrative, the author only explains Rainbow Dash’s personality. Stating that she is cocky, arrogant and tomboyish. However, we are never shown any evidence of this. If a complete stranger to the franchise was to read this story, it would leave them confused and they would not believe any information presented within the story.

And another concern is, the main character never learns these things about Rainbow Dash by interacting with her. He learns about them through Wikipedia. I am uncertain how to react to this, but so I will just show you something that I am sure my master would show.

However, she chooses a romance movie. And then Rainbow Dash begins to blush. … And then the main character starts to realize how in love with Rainbow Dash he is?... Hmm… Saving this for later.

Of course, this brings up a pertinent question. How long has Rainbow Dash been in the human world? By all accounts of the story, only 2 days have passed since Rainbow Dash appeared. And now, Rainbow Dash is in love with the main character? I do not believe that love works that quickly… In fact, I know it doesn’t.

So, they decide to watch their movie. It does not explain which movie they decided to watch either. It seems unnecessary to make a deal about movies you are going to watch and then not mention the one you would be watching. This would not bother me if not for the fact that several movies were mentioned before. Such as Friday the 13th, Red and Die Hard.

Oh, the things I would let Bruce Willis do to me.

I do not mind. It is still Bruce Willis.

They begin watching the movie and the main character begins making moves towards Rainbow Dash.

And it is at this point that the narrative changes its style again. It changes it from a first person perspective and switches between the thought process of Rainbow Dash and the main character.

(Sorry, but I’m gonna explain this, I will sometimes switch narration between Rainbow Dash, and me, so you have both perspectives of the story. it will be easy to notice it, I will put a - right before the sentence to symbolize a change.)

Unfortunately, it is not done very well at all and is incredibly confusing at times. Allow me to show you what I mean.

I saw it, she reached in, now was my chance. So I reached in after her. It worked. Our hand and hoof met, and she looked at me, and I looked at her. We couldn’t look away. Our hand and hoof were still holding. Now was the time.

-After I reached in, I felt his hand. I knew it, he does like me. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what to do. So I knew what to do. So I started to lean.

-It happened before I could notice. We kissed, and we stayed silent for the rest of the movie. Our hoof and hand no longer held.

When it was over we just stood there, not saying anything. Finally I broke the silence,”So...I hope that...um…” That was all I could say before I got on my bed, it was now or never!

As you can see, it is difficult to see when the breaks are. It would be easier to tell if there was a little more separation between the two characters speaking. Even my master is able to portray the different points of view with two different styles. By using his own text as black and my text as pink, one can easily tell which one of us is talking. It is also easier because every time one of us speaks, a new paragraph is formed.

EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!

Like that.

So they proceed to kiss as the movie goes on. He then asks if she wants to be his girlfriend to which Rainbow Dash says yes.

I believe that is a record in which one of the main characters of the show falls in love with a human, even though they have no chemistry together. A large problem with this story is that the human character and Rainbow Dash have nothing in common, they have not shared a conversation, they have not had any kind of interacting in which the characters learn about each other (save for the main character learning about Rainbow Dash by reading Wikipedia.), and they never have any interactions that would suggestion romance other than it being forced upon them.

At any rate, I suggest I continue on with the story. The main character receives a call on Skype from his friend.

They begin their conversation, which is never explored upon. We never see the conversation with the friend, we never see what he looks like or even what his name is. We only know that Rainbow Dash overhears the conversation and becomes worried that the main character likes the caller more than her.

I, unfortunately, do not understand why Rainbow Dash is upset. It is clearly stated in the story that the voice come from the computer is male and that Rainbow Dash is only several feet from the computer. It is revealed that it is indeed a call and not a typed message, so there should have been no reason why Rainbow Dash could not hear the conversation.

I do not understand how my master does this day in and day out.

I said that I was going to tell him, but before she could move, I said, “Look, I’ve known him for years, and we STILL have secrets we have kept, that we didn’t tell ANYONE about. If I told him, he would be confused, but he WOULD keep it a secret. So Dashie said ok hesitantly, then lied back down.

Emphasis on random words does not make your point look vaild. Sir, would you mind?

Huff… fine… EMPHASIS on random WORDS does not MAKE a VALID POINT! It ONLY makes YOU look UNEDUCATED! You WRITE as HORRIBLE as FRANK MILLAR!

Thank you, sir. I’m afraid I just do not have your… spunk.

Can I go BACK to CRYING in A corner?

So, the main character asks the friend for help setting up a date for Rainbow Dash and himself. The friend agrees without questioning it. I suppose that cartoon characters coming to life are just an everyday occurrence for this world.

So, they begin to leave to go on their date with the main character’s mother saying…

“Have fun with your new girlfriend.”

Hmm… it would seem that the main character is incapable of forming a relationship with his own species, so his parents are settling with whatever creature their son happened to fall in love with. I am curious what would happen if he were to fall in love with a toilet? Saving for further investigation.

We didn’t sleep separate, and we didn’t um…(you know). But, we did sleep in the same bed *PERVE*

You are on the defensive even though most of us were not thinking that. It makes me interested as to what you are hiding.

, but we just stayed up until 12:00, then we dozed off.

This does not help your argument.

If it seems difficult to keep track of what is going on, I apologize. The story is difficult to read and incredibly rushed. For all the words around it, the pacing is either incredibly sluggish with points that are irrelevant to the story, or incredibly rushed points that could be expanded upon.

Also, he apparently switches view to his best friend. At first, I was not able to tell. There is a symbol that signifies a change in view, but there is no mention to it being the friend that the main character called.

The main character shows the best friend Rainbow Dash in the flesh and the two agree to set up a date.

-I couldn’t WAIT for my date with Dash tonight. We were so excited, we could scream, but that would get A LOT of attention,

This STORY is really STUPID! It HURTS my BRAIN!

Does this mean you are going to get out of your depression and actually review it?

NO! I will NOT stop THIS!

Anyway, the two proceed to prepare for their date. Rainbow Dash puts on the dress that Rarity made for her.

My apologies, I must have missed something in the story. Allow me to re-read it really quick to ensure accuracy.


Oh, dear. Rarity’s dress, apparently, has been sitting in the main character’s dresser for the past few days. Rainbow Dash, when she appeared in the human world, had access to all of her dresses and clothes from Equestria. There was never mention of any of it traveling with her. There was never mention of her home traveling with her. And no mention of her having it when she first arrived. HOW IN THE…

Apologies. I lost my cool for a moment.

So, they come to the best friend’s house (who Rainbow Dash keeps referring to as 1 for the most bizarre of reasons).

She did so, and I knocked on the door. I heard something REALLY familiar…”****!”(That was supposed to be the dog’s name, but it is cencored)

This is quite odd considering you did not censor any words last chapter.

“Shit!” he said.

I do not understand why you began this story saying curse words, but stopped halfway. It would be like my master using swear words in half of his review and then changing it halfway.

Yeah, if you can actually believe that shit! Princess Molestia is the most viewed clopfic on the fucking website! How the **** bull*** is that, when this ugly ******* makes its ****** way to the **** shit fuck *** bastard **** asshole **** ***** **** **** shit!

As you can see, it is distracting.

So, they have their date, which is not described to us at all, so we really do not have any idea what they were doing or how they interact with one another, and before long they are home.

This author seems to have the writing skills of Mykan. … I did not just say that.

They arrive back at the house where Rainbow Dash shows her a potion. I am not entirely sure how Rainbow Dash was able to make a potion without any training or guidance from Zecora or Twilight Sparkle. Rainbow Dash explains that with this potion, the main character will be able to create and walk on clouds.

… What? … What?! …WHAT?! You cannot be serious! You must be joking! Tell me, please, that this is a joke! There is no possible way you can conceive to make me believe something so unashamedly senseless! I have already calculated 72 different reasons why this cannot work the way it is presented, but I shall narrow it down!

First, where did Rainbow Dash find the time to make the potion?! There is no explanation as to when she ever made it when all of her time was made ‘entertaining’ you!

Second, how was Rainbow Dash able to make a potion that could generate clouds?! Rainbow Dash is not a scientist! She is not fluent in magical potions making! She has no training and no ability to make this potion! I very much doubt that Professor Snape would be much help in this!

Third, how did she even know it would not poison him?! I very much doubt she tested the potion to make sure that the main character would not die of poison when he ingested it!

Fourth, how would he be able to generate clouds?! Does it change his entire biologic system?!

Fifth, why was this necessary for the story?! Since as we will see, it serves nothing to the overall plot of the story!

My… my most sincere apologies… I have no idea what came over me… Let’s just try to move on.

We ascended up into the sky, and just stood there for about an hour, doing nothing.

I question the point of the sentence.

So, Halloween approaches and the main character invites all his friends over for a Halloween party. Also, his six friends are strangely tolerable of their best friend dating a pony. I would question it, but logic seems not to have been a priority when this story was written.

But that is not all; even other ponies from the My Little Pony show decide to join the party. There is no explanation of how they arrived or how they lost Rainbow Dash to the human world to begin with and there is no heartfelt reunion. Am I the only one who thinks the behavior of the pony characters does not match up to what is canon?

So, they decide to play Guitar Hero and the main character shows how incredible he is on the guitar. You do realize that just because you can complete Dragonforce’s Through the Fire and Flames on expert 100% does not mean you can play it in real life. A real guitar is not the same as the fake plastic one. Not even close.

-So, I am really great full of Riley to put this party on for me, and get me a share of Halloween candy.

I assume that you mean grateful. Great full refers to something as being vastly stuffed. Unless that is what you are going for in that case, I only have one reaction to such an image.

We begin to see the main character struggling with his homework assignment shortly after the party. He leaves Rainbow Dash alone and… I’m sorry, but I cannot ignore this anymore. I must address it. The format of the story. There is no spacing between the paragraphs of the story. And it makes it very difficult to read.

Another issue I have found with this story is how repetitive it is. When I say repetitive, I mean it shows us scenes we have seen before. However, they take place from a different point of view. This would not be as bad as I am making it out to be, if it were not for the fact that the information presented to us in these differing points of view are not interesting, nor do they give us any information beyond what was already established in a previous point of view.

I do not understand what the point of this was. Was it to make sure the audience did not forget anything you had said?

The main character goes to Equestria to receive help on his homework, even though he mentioned that Twilight Sparkle would be unable to help him on the history of Paleo Indians.

The irony is the Paleo Indians are a more fascinating subject that the story presented before me. I would hope that somepony would write a fan fiction about a Paleo Indian appearing in Equestria. That would be an interesting human in Equestria story.

NO, it WOULDN’T! IT would SUCK!

You can stop doing that, sir. You have made your point.

And, again, there is no explanation of why Twilight Sparkle can generate portals to Equestria and the human world and there is no explanation as to why Rainbow Dash appeared in the human world in the first place.

The main character returns home after finishing his homework assignment and crawls into bed with Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash asks about the television show, Friendship is Magic. However, the main character starts to throw up his candy before he can answer.

This causes Rainbow Dash to retract her question.

I must question this scene. Rainbow Dash just discovered that in the human world, she is a fictional character. Would she not have questions about her existence? I suppose that she had made peace with the fact that she is not real.

I don’t want to stop here about my relationship with Dash. I want to continue it. So i will stop here, but I will continue tomorrow.

I can safely say, you are the only one. … My apologies. I think my master is rubbing off on me.

The next day, it turns out that there is a flu that is spreading throughout the human world and that Twilight Sparkle is the cause of it. Twilight Sparkle comes to the human world to apologize, but the main character replies that it is alright. And then Twilight Sparkle leaves.

Interesting. Twilight Sparkle traveled all the way to the human world, simply to apologize to the main character for something that she had no control over. It is odd that Twilight Sparkle would do this considering that she hardly knows the main character.

(ironically ) The first day I found out, I was playing minecraft (I was playing minecraft when I met Dahsie).

No. This is not an example of irony. This is an example of coincidence. And no, they are not the same thing. Allow me to explain.

Irony is incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result, or where one thing is expected to happen, but another event takes place.

Coincidence is making a relationship to a series of events where none may or may not exist. The occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection.

An example of irony would be a man who promotes seatbelt safety, but he is killed in a car accident because he didn’t wear his seatbelt. A reviewer who receives bad reviews on his reviews. Or a group of people saving two seals from an oil disaster, only for the seals to be devoured by killer whales a few minutes later.

All examples of irony. An example of coincidence is when you and your friend met at the same restaurant without any prior planning. Or when you think about the professor from your college classes and he just happens to appear, as you are thinking about them.

Anyway, the main character continues on about his day while he was sick.

We watched Ted by Seth MacFarlane. Seth rocks, by the way.

No, he does not. That movie was horrible.

The flu I have right now isn't painful or making me sore. Twilight told my mom about this, she called the school, and just said I was REALLY sick, and that we weren't sure how long I was going to be sick for.

Surprisingly, the district office fell for it.

One, I am offended by this. School is a necessary environment where you learn skills necessary to face the real world, such as math, science, history, music, physical education, art, life skills, financial education and social skills. For one to abandon 6 to 7 hours of their day of learning, to instead, spend it in a forced romantic interest, makes me nauseated.

Second, I do not think the district office runs the attendance for a single school. I believe that is the job of the attendance office of each school.

So, it turns out that Twilight Sparkle’s friends, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy have all become sick from the flu. The main character’s mother agrees to take care of all of them while Twilight Sparkle studies it. It seems that they would trust a human they know for one day rather than their own families and own race. Are all ponies like this?

We then see this sentence and I worry for the rest of the story.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I looked up a montage of Rainbow Dash moments from season 1, and just by seeing THAT, I am worried that I may have changed her personality ENTIRELY.

Just saying.

A very astute observation. Now, what do you plan to do about it?

Okay back to sickness.

I see. So, that last sentence about Rainbow Dash’s personality was completely and utterly pointless.

The main character, despite being sick, decides that he needs to work to help the other characters feel better. However, Rainbow Dash starts to snap at him, telling him that he needs his rest. The main character then describes to us a previous girlfriend who he had fought with, that resulted in them breaking up.

No, we never see that argument and we never see the girl he mentioned. Once again, this was completely pointless. There does not seem to be any point to this story and its characters. I think the Pointless Forest had more of a point to it in the Point.

Youtube Video

I love this movie. For a children’s story, it is quite philosophical. And the music is quite catchy.

So, it looks like Rainbow Dash is getting sick as well. Fearing the worst after Rainbow Dash faints, Twilight Sparkle takes a dose of Rainbow Dash’s blood for analysis. She then returns to explain that Rainbow Dash is not sick, but instead…

"Rainbow Dash, you weren't sick, but Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, and AJ's weak pre-sicknesses together caused you to faint like that, and the only reason nopony else did was because they weren’t together enough for them to catch it. They also had to be in the source together for a good amount of time for it to happen. That is why you fainted. You aren't sick, and you can't catch it, because no matter what you do here, it's not strong enough to spread."

If my IQ could be accurately depicted, it would be approximately 340. And I still have no idea what was just explained to me.

So, Rainbow Dash attempts to cook ramen noodles for the main character, but the main character is afraid that Rainbow Dash will blow herself up with the stove. While my own master is unable to use the microwave without assistance, I very much doubt that Rainbow Dash is that unintelligent.

She has read the Daring Doo books, so I imagine she could read the instructions on the Ramen noodle package.

It turns out that she does do so, if only with the main character’s help. Most of you would say this takes away from Rainbow Dash’s character, basically stating that Rainbow Dash is incapable of performing any task without the help of a male character. However, your woes are misplaced. While this is quite bigotry, the character that is in this story acts nothing like Rainbow Dash, so it is impossible for it to actually be Rainbow Dash. You may all take a breath of relief.

Rainbow Dash serves everypony their food and apparently for her first time making Ramen, the main character claims it is the best he has ever had. I did not know that Rainbow Dash was taking cooking lessons from Pinkie Pie and Applejack, since this would be the only way I would believe this.

As he eats, the main character starts thinking about Rainbow Dash’s parents and who they are and where they are now. The main character asks Fluttershy about orphans in Ponyville.

I swear, you say Scootaloo, I’m going to cut you!

Please, ignore him. Fluttershy explains who in Ponyville has no parents and can name three. Does it seem odd that the shyest pony in Equestria knows information on other ponies like this?

Derpy Hooves, she is a pony who likes to be funny for the town, but sometimes isn't respected all the time."

… I am not sure if I should be offended for reading that… Or ashamed for bringing notice to it?

She says Spitfire and then we have this really dramatic build up to the last name she gives… I do not know if I like it or not.

That was the truth, I was ready for the words "Rainbow Dash" leave her mouth, which I KNOW she wouldn't say, it HAD to be Fluttershy who would say her own name. She was simply just too shy to tell me. She then said okay...then she said the last pony's name.

She started to cry "Rainbow Dash..."

Youtube Video

Rainbow Dash reveals that she lived in an orphanage most of her life. As she explains, she starts to cry over the loss of her parents. However, the main character begins to feel badly for pushing the issue with Rainbow Dash’s parents. This is probably the only story I have seen where the main character actually takes responsibility for his actions. (Even though they are rather strange circumstance, but I am certain this will be the strongest point of the story)

However, Rainbow Dash and the main character lock themselves in a bathroom for some privacy. Twilight Sparkle comes along to check on them and they explain that Rainbow Dash does not have any parents, which causes Twilight Sparkle to start crying.

I know that losing your parents must be quite difficult. But I did not expect it to be that emotional? Unfortunately, it is not emotional to your audience because we never see the parents that Rainbow Dash lost. Yes, it is tragic, but there is nothing to relate to with Rainbow Dash’s pain. We never see any kind of relationship Rainbow Dash had with her parents.

With this setup, it seems like the thing she is upset about, is the fact that she is parentless. And that is all.

Everypony and his mom, but Fluttershy were asleep. I'm glad she was the only one who knew.

Wait, did you not just tell Twilight Sparkle about your parents? And really? Fluttershy is the only pony you know who knows you are an orphan? … I really do not understand this story.

Twilight Sparkle explains that the flu that the main character and the others have will be cured within two weeks. In the meantime, Rainbow Dash continues to take care of them and helps the main character keep up on his studies. However, Rainbow Dash hopes to help him even further by… transforming herself into a human?

… Yes, apparently Twilight Sparkle can build a machine that can transform Rainbow Dash into a human. That is really quite a stretch for me to believe.

Meanwhile, the main character explains how the flu makes him feel.

It sucked, because it felt like a steel blade was puncturing my lungs, and stomach.

Do not tease me with such beautiful imagery. … I really need to stop doing that.

And of course, the main character thinks it is a wonderful idea and they travel to Equestria to transform Rainbow Dash into a human.

We went over to Twilight’s house, lightly knocked the door, and Twilight’s “assistant”, Spike opened the door.

Why is ‘assistant’ in quotation marks? Are you implying that Spike does nothing for Twilight Sparkle? ... Spike does quite a bit for Twilight Sparkle. If you had ever seen a single episode of the show, that would have been apparent.

They explain to Twilight Sparkle their idea and Twilight Sparkle said she could build it in 5 hours. My apologies… Let me reread that. It looked like it said…

Dash told Twilight about the problem she was having, and Twilight went into deep thought, and after 5 seconds, she said she will have it done in 5 hours.

… I suppose that Twilight Sparkle is the smartest pony in all of Equestria. She is able to build a complex machine that would transform a normal Pegasus back and forth between a human being and a pony and all in the span of 5 hours. Unbelievable. What is it you are always saying about science, sir?

Fuck it, we got rocks!

Yes, that is the only way she was able to build this complex machine. She built it out of rocks.

So, Twilight Sparkle allows Rainbow Dash to test the machine and transforms into a human. But not just a human. A naked human. And there is our nudity for the story. How wonderful… That was a sarcastic remark.

The main character then asks Twilight Sparkle for a machine just like Rainbow Dash’s, but one that can transform him into a pony. And 5 hours later, Twilight Sparkle comes back with a machine for the main character. I am not sure if it is mathematically possible for me to care anymore.

The main character and Rainbow Dash start to adjust to their new forms and the main character picks out what he will look like when he is a pony.

Then…

She said that the devices were no longer needed, and that we could change from pony to human and back without the machine.

… It… has not… even been… a day. Not even one day. Not a single day! How are they able to change back and forth between a human and a pony without the use of a machine that’s sole purpose is to do that?! How are they to activate it, when they had buttons that was supposed to do that for them?! Why are they suddenly able to do this?! If Twilight Sparkle was able to give them these powers with a simple injection, why did she bother with building the machines in the first place?!

… I’m sorry… But this story… The logic behind it… It is … incomprehensible. I would really like to study the method that came to this conclusion.

They take him to Celestia… and then leave. I do not see the point of that.

So, the main character reveals to his friends that he can transform into a pony at will.

1’s mouth dropped, 2 was saying, “DUUUDE!” 3’s eyes were as bulged as melons, 4, just looked at me doing all of what the were doing.

Thank you, Mr. the Dude.

Oh and remember the main character constantly reminding us that he is not a brony.

The only reason I didn’t use words like, “Equestria”, and “Ponies” was because all of this madness got them to start thinking I was a brony. (Once again, I have NOTHING against bronies, but I hate the judgmental people)

I really have a hard time seeing any kind of point in this story.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash comes to the main character’s school in her human form and everyone becomes instantly jealous of her.

The boys start drooling over her and the girls instantly despise her for her perfect form, even though Rainbow Dash is not really using natural beauty but is using magic and creating an image of whatever she desires into a machine. How metaphorical.

After class, the main character is confronted by a group of bullies.

Now, these were guys that DID NOT like me, whenever I said ANYTHING, they would say something like, “Shut the fuck up, kid.”

If I may be so bold, I believe that they respond as such because most of everything you say is either ignorant or idiotic. If you wish for them to stop saying what they have been, I would recommend stop speaking. Ever.

They all looked over at me, and I could tell they thought differently of me when they saw me walk off with her holding her hand.

Yes. You can exploit the one you love to make yourself more popular at school. That is a clear sign of affection. If any girl makes you unpopular at school, no matter how much you love them, they must be cast aside. I am so glad that the story recognizes this truth about life. … I can understand now why my master has so much rage against stories like this.

After a few days of school, Rainbow Dash starts to have nightmares. Nightmares about her friends, family and the main character being killed. And then Rainbow Dash starts to talk about committing suicide.

Yes, the author of this story just turned our beloved Rainbow Dash, into somepony who would kill herself because she is having bad dreams. Now, I realize that she could be reacting irrationally due to her lack of sleep. However, does the Rainbow Dash you have set in your mind, the Rainbow Dash that is canon with the show, seem like the type of character who would want to commit suicide like this? For this reason?

And then by the next chapter, she is completely recovered. No… really. That is what it says. I am not making this up.

She recovered, and we are glad

There is no mention of how she recovered. No mention of how she overcame the nightmares. No mention of how she was able to get through this trying time. One moment she is depressed, the next moment, she is fine. And while the dates dictate that several weeks pass by before Rainbow Dash is recovered, would you not have wanted to read about her recovery? The ups and downs of her struggling with her inner torment?

However, it seems that after the nightmares stopped, Rainbow Dash disappeared for a year. Yes, it looks like she is recovering just fine.

I don’t even get up in the morning at all because of the nightmares I’m having. These are exactly like the ones my precious Dash started having three months ago, but I feel like mine are a lot more agonizing.

Wait, did you not say that Rainbow Dash was missing for a year? How would you know that she has been having nightmares when you have not been in contact with her?

Apparently, space and time are a nonissue in this story. The main characters says that he refuses to kill himself. And then immediately after tries to kill himself.

He fails and the story continues. He then explains how Rainbow Dash was killed. Apparently, they were out partying one night, when they are suddenly attacked by some muggers. Rainbow Dash is shot and is bleeding out. The main character tries to confront them, but is shot in the leg.

He transforms into his Pegasus form and tries to catch up with them, but the wound causes him to pass out and loses them.

That was the story in it’s shortest, simplest, and least horrible form. The real, and detailed story is too much for me to write on this...

And it was less for the author to write.

So the main character decides that he cannot live without Rainbow Dash any longer and so he decides to kill himself. He points a gun to his head, but before he can pull the trigger, he is stopped by Fluttershy.

God, I can’t believe she is so kind.

Hence, the element of kindness. The main character asks Twilight Sparkle and the others to destroy the portal to Earth if they ever find Rainbow Dash, stating that the human world has nothing to offer her and that he failed her. However, he wants to come to Ponyville to leave Earth behind.

Twilight Sparkle, of course agrees. I have not made any sarcastic comments because I am still mathematically calculating how much I do not care.

So, the main character goes and lives in Equestria, where, a month later, he tries to kill himself. And then we jump to, two months earlier?

… Nope, I’m still calculating.

However, before he can hit the ground, Rainbow Dash comes back and saves him. And in case you are wondering, no, we never get an explanation.

So, Rainbow Dash and he get married, he moves to Equestria with Celestia removing all memory of him even being on earth and they all live happily ever after.

And that was the High Road. Honestly, the title doesn’t make any sense. There was never any mention of any High Road or path that the character took to bettering himself. I suppose that it could have been that he did not commit suicide, but he tried to kill himself three times.

This story falls short in almost every category. The grammar is not presented very well. The spelling is only decent. The characters are not in character. The plot is underwhelming and lackluster.

However, I will say this. There was a potentially good story here. While the set up for most of it was bad and the explanations for most of the story was nonexistent, it did take bigger risks than most other stories about this subject. For one, it didn’t reduce Rainbow Dash to a sex object. There was never any mention of sex. It didn’t give the main character extra superpowers like most stories (with the exception of the cloud powers that seemed to disappear after its debut) and it actually had a pretty dramatic ending with Rainbow Dash’s depression and kidnapping, trying to tie those events together.

However, it falls flat because of its pacing, the rushed romance, the style, the shifting between past and present tense, the flat characters, the strange transformation that really did not play a large part in the story, and the lack of any real conflict. I am not saying that a story has to have a ‘fate of the world’ plot, but the most we get is a sickness that does not affect much of the story.

Overall rating. Poor.

And that is my review. Do not expect me to do very many of these. As for my master, let us check up on him.

Soren the Alicorn Part 1, huh? Meh, how bad can it be?

He’s doing better already. Have a good day, everypony.

FUUUUUU-!

Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 1

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Stop me when this sounds stupid.

An OC alicorn loses his memory-

That sure didn’t take long, did it?

Yes, the idea is not a promising one, is it? Frankly, you are all not alone on this. As I look down to the comment section to see what others have said about the story, their refusal to read this story has made me question whether or not it was actually any good.

Spoilers, it sucks. But just exactly how does it suck? Well, that’s what you’re here to find out. So, let’s dig into Soren the Alicorn: Part 1 by King Nyroc15 and see why people hate OC alicorns so much.

Before we even start the story, we get a healthy author’s note.

Before you all dive into this interesting story,

I somehow have a feeling that line is a lie.

I would like to say that this story has some references and ideas created by other people.

Translation: I am going to rip off other people’s ideas and claim it as my own.

Oh, and it turns out I’m not that far from that either.

From real life songs to little ideas based off of other people's work.

Well, I’ll give this guy this much. At least he’s being honest when he’s stealing someone’s work.

I would also like to point out that the story MAY contain parts in the beginning that you may not understand, so just push past it and maybe it will be explained later in the story.

I would certainly hope so, because that may or may not make what you said stupid.

Maybe ;).

Okay, so that means nothing is going to be explained. Oh, joy of joys.

Also, for the songs, ponify any words that fit the scene.

Copy and paste is your friend!

Enjoy the story.

I’m pretty sure I won’t. The story basically said that it’s going to copy from some other stories and that it may or may not contain explanations to everything. Wonderful…

We open our story with this narration.

Ever since the Elements of Harmony defeated the evil King Sombra and saved the Crystal Empire,

Bull crap! It was the Crystal Heart that defeated King Sombra, not the Elements of Harmony! The first sentence and already the continuity of the show has been thrown out the window! Well, that or he is calling Twilight and her friends ‘the Elements of Harmony’, but that’s another can of stupid!

The small, colorful town of Ponyville was one of the only places in Equestria where things are never quite normal.

Of course, in a town where Pinkie Pie is a resident, can you ever truly be in a town that is normal?

More events have happened there than any other area in the country. And on this day, in the beginning of autumn, another event is going to happen. An event that will change Ponyville, and possibly all of Equestria, forever.

Princess Twilight Sparkle has declared that every Tuesday will be Taco Tuesday!

So, we cut to a Pegasus who wakes up in a strange place. I’ll give this story points for having him not appear in the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash find him and try to comfort him.

However, directly afterward, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash see that…

"You...You're...an ALICORN?!" she asked.

:flutterrage: We don’t like alicorns in these parts! Burn him at the stake!

Rainbow Dash asks who the kid is, but the kid responses that he can’t remember. We then have Rainbow Dash asking herself what is a kid doing out here. Fluttershy tries to comfort him and then… she starts thinking about how his wings are?

And then we have the alicorn kid, thinking about how he is being treated like a kid?

Okay, this is really confusing. I understand that the characters are being shown their thought process, but it comes off too frequently. Yeah, there are no rules against changing points of view in a third person story, but it isn’t even a sentence and the characters that speak sometimes aren’t the same characters that have thoughts in the same paragraph. It’s really hard to tell one character thoughts apart from the character that is speaking.

The kid then realizes that he’s an adult in a kid’s body. Rainbow Dash doesn’t believe him saying…

"You can stop the charade, kid," she said. "You dont expect us to believe you have amnesia and you're a fully grown stallion."

Man, I didn’t expect Rainbow Dash to be such an ass to kids.

Huh, I stand corrected.

So, Rainbow Dash continues to interrogate the kid when suddenly, the stress of the questions causes the kid’s horn to start glowing and turns Rainbow Dash into ice. And rather than fleeing in terror like Fluttershy probably should, she instead tries to comfort the little alicorn and says that she will take him to somepony who can help him. They leave Rainbow Dash stuck in the ice with the little alicorn stating to himself…

'Maybe this mare knows that the ice will melt eventually?' he asked himself, slowly doubting that she did.

Yes, but Rainbow Dash was found dead afterwards. We can start with murder on the list of things I do not like about this character.

Fluttershy takes him to all the friends she has in Ponyville before finally stopping at Twilight’s house to get her opinion on the whole thing.

'Geez, I didnt realize this town was mostly female,' the grown(?) foul thought to himself. 'Not that I'm complaining.'

I would like to remind you that there are plenty of male characters in the show.

Shining Armor, Big MacIntosh, Pipsqueak, Spike, Doctor Whooves (or some of you prefer Time Turner), Fancy Pants, Mr. Cake, Filthy Rich, Doc Top, The Conductor, Gizmo, Randolf, Bulk Biceps (or Snowflake as some of you prefer) Cloud Chaser, Crafty Crate, etc.

Okay, of all of those mentioned only two are actual major characters, but there are a good amount of stallions as there are mares. Just saying.

Upon seeing the young alicorn, Twilight it seems goes through a strange variety of emotions.

The unicorn's expression went from shocked to nervous to extreme excitement.

Well, at least these emotions are shown to us in a fashion that would indicate these emotions being conveyed. … I am running out of ways to say, SHOW, DON’T TELL! Hell, emoticons could have shown more emotion.

So, Twilight asks the little alicorn who he is and where he comes from, but the alicorn claims he can’t remember. The others arrive and Twilight asks why Rainbow Dash didn’t believe that the little alicorn’s story.

"Because how was i supposed to know that he was telling the truth? And how do we know he is an actual alicorn? Maybe somepony put a spell on him or something. He's at least a unicorn; I know that personally." The alicorn chuckled secretly.

Yes, because I’m sure somepony just duct taped those wings onto him. I’m know that Rainbow Dash isn’t the brightest, but come on. Even the High Road had a more intelligent Rainbow Dash than this!

So, Twilight begins to write a letter to Celestia, explaining the situation. Rarity says that they need to come up with a name for him. I personally like Road Kill; since that’s what I hope he’ll be when this is all over. However, Rainbow Dash suggests ‘Soren.’

Well, okay, it’s not the most pony name you could have given him. But at the very least, it’s not like some super special name that has significance to who he is destined to be or some bullshit like that-

"In the history of Cloudsdale, there was a pegasus called Soren the Swift. He was the fastest and most skilled flyer in all of Equestria. Pegasi alike adored him and wished to be like him. Looking at this kid right here and knowing what magic he can do...I can tell he's got potential. So that's what we'll call him: Soren."

Oh, good. We are giving the name of somepony that everypony adored and wanted to be like, to a character who the author wants us to adore and wish to be like. I don’t see any connection to this whatsoever. Nope, no connection at all.

Youtube Video

So, the group cheers and they receive Princess Celestia’s response, saying that she is concerned about Soren’s memory loss.

She says that she is sending her sister, Luna, to watch over Soren while he stays with Twilight.

Soren could guess that this Luna character was going to be interesting...

More so than you, kid.

Luna arrives and starts to examine Soren, trying to figure out how he came to be and what his special talent is. Luna explains that she needs to consult Celestia and that she will be back later. She charges Twilight with caring for Soren and flies off.

Twilight asks Soren to come with her to consult her friends on what to do next. And  then, we just skip over them going to their friends and arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage. Huh? The story mentions that they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Rarity’s and Pinkie Pie’s places, and yet there was no mention of what they did there or how the characters interacted with Soren. Makes me wonder what the hell the point of that was.

They arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage where they try to see if Soren can calm the animals after they have been pointlessly scared by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Seems kind of cruel for those characters. Maybe Fluttershy pissed them off or something.

Soren then starts to sing and manages to calm the animals down. With that, he discovers his special talent, singing.

Okay, if he manages to make this story like the Pied Piper where his singing makes all the animals follow him to invade Canterlot, that would be freaking awesome. But I doubt that the author will go that route, so let’s just move on.

So, everypony starts to throw a big party for Soren. I would question why, but it is headed by Pinkie Pie, so you win this round story.

Soren gets on stage and gets ready to sing. Suddenly, his horn starts glowing and instruments all around him start playing for him. This … makes no sense. There is mention of Vinyl Scratch (or DJ Pon3 as some of you call her. A name that I hate. And yes, I realize that DJ Pon3 is a more popular choice, but I’m getting off topic). So, Vinyl is mentioned of being there, why not have her equipment aid him in playing the song? Is this so that Soren is made so powerful that he doesn’t require help from others? Way to make your character relatable, story.

So, he starts singing the words to ‘Undisclosed Desires’ by Muse and as he sings it, he looks towards Luna.

Luckily, most of the chapter is the lyrics to the song, so I don’t have to bother reading. That’s the only good thing about the music in this fan fiction. I went over this a little bit in Mykan’s My Little Unicorn, but it bears repeating. This is a written story. There shouldn’t be music like this in it! Unless it is described to us in a very eloquent way, we are never going to be able to connect with this song.

Now, I realize that I can just open another window and open up the page on YouTube and listen to the song from there, but that’s not the point! Imagine if this was a book and you were expected to hear the song being played. Could you hear it from the lyrics by itself? Especially if you don’t know the song they are talking about?

If a song is described to us, the tempo, the notes, the key changes, the emotion that the piece gives to us, then we are able to connect to it. By the way, you want a story that actually does this right? Why don’t you give Symphony of the Moon and Sun by GrassandClouds2 a read?

Luna congratulates him on his singing.

"Twas a great performance," Luna said. "We do not know the last time we heard such an amazing singer."

This goes back to the poor description of the singing, along with show, don’t tell. We are told that Soren is a good singer, but it’s really hard to believe it when I can hear his damn singing and you don’t bother with any kind of description!

Luna says her goodbyes and travels to the Everfree forest. Soren grows concerned about Luna and goes to Twilight to help him look for her. They start to search around the Everfree forest when they start to hear singing. Soren finds the source to be Luna.

Soren discovers that Luna is secretly kidnapping children with her magical singing voice.

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Oh, wait, I’m thinking of something with more quality than this story. My bad.

No, Soren discovers that, before she was banished, Luna loved to sing and that his singing has inspired her to take up singing again. Somepony get me a barf bag.

They travel back to the library where Celestia arrives the next day. Celestia explains that Soren is an Elemental Guardian, and that he is destined to protect Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Crystal Empire, the Galaxy, Narnia, Oz, Middle Earth, Kypton, Hyrule, and Spira. … Give or take a few.

Bottom line, he is so special that he must be protected at all times and he has great powers that he must unlock to save the world, blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Let’s just see if there are any redeemable qualities about this story.

"So...I am special?"

Get used to seeing that line, folks. It’s all over the place in this story.

Celestia and Luna explain that they need to fix the problem with him being a stallion in a colt’s body. And say that they will be staying on Ponyville to keep an eye on his progress.

Soren then starts spending time with the main six, learning about him and with him learning about the main six. Of course, this would be actually interesting if we were actually shown this rather than just being told it, but hell, why would we want to add investment into a character we are going to be with the entire story? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!

So, later that night, Soren starts having nightmares about a black alicorn attacking him.

Ha, I see what you’re up to! You’re trying to make another alicorn to make us think you’re character isn’t a bad character! Well, guess what, I’m onto your evil plot!

After the nightmare, he goes to visit Princess Celestia to discuss the dream he was having.

Celestia, if I might ask, did you and Luna have a mother?" Celestia just stared at Soren and slightly chuckled.

"No, my little pony, not a physical mother, at least."

:trollestia: We were born the way all alicorns are born. We just appeared one day and the sky popped us out of her vagina. … It was really weird.

And then… Soren starts to freak out? What the hell? Yeah, Soren starts to panic about what Celestia told him. And while Celestia starts to think about how Nightmare Moon and Luna are the same pony, it isn’t made clear if that is what upset Soren. We are never shown anything that might make Soren upset. Would somepony please shoot me?! Or at the very least, make sense of what is going on?!

Anyway, after Soren throws his hissy fit, he meets with Fluttershy to discuss why Soren is so upset. He tells Fluttershy that Luna frightens him, but Fluttershy can’t believe it.

"Luna? But she's friendly. Why are you scared of her?"

I’d like to recap what your first response to Luna was, Fluttershy.

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Granted, it was Nightmare Night and you did have past experiences with Nightmare Moon, but that still doesn’t excuse it.

However, just as Soren gets into his depression, Luna appears…

Pretty soon, Flutteryshy and Soren were approached by a young, beautiful, blue mare with a light blue mane.

So, Luna is the love interest?

Pfft, no, she’s not. That’s stupid.

Sir, he is constantly talking about how beautiful and wonderful she is. It is obvious that she is the romantic interest.

No, she isn’t. That would be just stupid.

Five bits says she is.

You’re on! I got this in the bag.

However, Soren seems to get over his crippling fear of Luna rather quickly and starts blushing again.

Shut up, that doesn’t mean anything!

Soren and Luna have a conversation together, where it is revealed that Soren has reached his full height. Thanks for that important subplot. And then Luna kisses him.

Looks like I win.

One kiss does not mean shit! Game is still on!

You just cannot admit that you lost.

Shut up! We still got 27 more chapters of this!... Oh, god, I’ve still got 27 more chapters of this…

A few days pass and Celestia starts to prepare a home in Cloudsdale for Soren. Why don’t they build a house for him in Ponyville since that is where Celestia and Luna are going to be frequenting to keep him safe? Because Soren doesn’t want an earth house, that’s why! Stupid racist bastard!

He starts to describe the town that Soren is starting to become familiar with and it’s at this point that I can’t really ignore what is going on with the narrative.

It swaps back and forth between past tense and present tense. My fucking god, people! How hard it is to stay in a single tense?! Good fucking god, keep your past tense past! And your present tense present! It’s not really that hard!

Also, the grammar, if you haven’t notice doesn’t seem to be all that much better. This story needs a proofreader. Badly.

Soren runs into Twilight and asks if there is anything he can do to help the town. Twilight doesn’t really know what to say, since the last few days have been calm.

Also, that seems a bit out of her jurisdiction since by this point, she isn't an alicorn, but whatever.

'Sure he's supposed to be the Elemental Guardian, but that doesn't mean there's always going to be something interesting happening.

Like right now for instance. Seriously, nothing comes of this scene. Nothing.

So, Twilight takes in Soren as an assistant and ends up firing Spike since he never appears in the rest of the story.

Jesus, forget the Applejack-hate. What about the freaking Spike-hate?! I know he’s not a pony, but good lord, please tell me that there is someone out there who actually likes Spike!

I mean, look at that face. Don’t you just feel horrible not including him in your fanfiction. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Shame on you!

Luna appears in Ponyville and makes an announcement at Town Square. She explains to the town that she will be staying in Ponyville to conduct an experiment. After the town meeting, Twilight asks what kind of experiment they will be working on. With Celestia responding,-

"My faithful student, I think it best that nopony knows what Luna is truly working on. It's a surprise."

:twilightsmile: Does that mean Luna will be having sex with Soren, even though it doesn’t make any sense since they just met each other and have barely shared a conversation together?

:trollestia: Of course not. That would be just contrived and force and wouldn’t make any sense. Isn’t that right, Luna?

Pinkie Pie then suggests that they throw a party for Luna’s arrival in Ponyville.

"We should all have a sleepover to celebrate you staying here." Half of the mares (and Soren) face-hoofed.

So, half of them thought this was a good idea? Which half? By the way, I thought they enjoyed Pinkie Pie’s parties? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

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So, this is how Cupcakes got started.

"If it would please thee that much then we will accept your party invitation." All of the girls, except Pinkie, stood mouths agape at the princess' answer.

Jesus, do the girls really not like Pinkie’s parties anymore?! Rainbow Dash, I would start writing your will, because I think your name is coming up.

'A sleepover with all my friends and my crush...This should be interesting.'

Unfortunately, it won’t be.

And if you think I’m lying, I’m not. He doesn’t go into details about the sleepover other than, “The characters did this” and “the characters did that”, blah, blah, blah! Tell a fucking story! Show us what they were doing, don’t just tell us! They say they were having conversations. Okay, who was conversing? What were they conversing about? How did each of the characters react to each conversation? How did they move on to the next conversation? What was learned about each other from the conversations? Were there debates in the conversation? If so, who were they between?! What were they arguing about?! These are all questions that should have been answered in the story! But no, we can’t be bothered to learn about our main character or anything he is into or his interactions with the Elements of Harmony, who he is supposed to be protecting! Dear lord, I hate this story!

After the party, Soren starts having nightmares as he enters an old clock tower. He enters a library in the clock tower and finds a group of strange creatures talking to one another.

He wakes up after hearing the creature, known as the Knower, discussing how long a yet unseen entity will remain unconscious for.

Soren ponders what it could mean, but dismisses it when he sees Luna. They have some romantic moments and –

So, you admit, I win?

Fuck you, they could break up! We still have plenty of story to go through!

When has that ever happened in one of these stories?

… You… I mean… um… Shut up!

The next day, Luna takes Soren and Twilight to Vinyl’s joint where they plan to dance the night away. However, it turns out that a group of singers have been invited by Vinyl to come sing for the club.

The group listen to the singers for a while and Rainbow Dash says that Soren could out-sing them. Unfortunately, the singers could hear Rainbow Dash’s comment through all the noise of the club, apparently. And the singers challenge Soren to a singing contest. Contrived you say? But audience, it was the only way to make these singers bully Soren and make them the villains of our story for no reason.

And now you all know.

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So they begin their competition with Soren, basically wiping the floor with them. Again, music in a written story doesn’t work! I wouldn’t put so much god damn emphasis on it, if the story wasn’t just about Soren’s majestic musical voice! Again, in a story that I read with my eyes, I CAN’T HEAR THEM SINGING! I don’t know which voice is better than the other! You tell us which one is better, but unless you have a recording of how each of these characters sing on the internet or describe how they sing, I DON’T FUCKING CARE!

The final song is about to commence and the Sisters say that he has to sing a duet. Um… Why? There were no rules established before. And technically, haven’t all the songs you’ve sung been duets, since there are two of you singing?

Whatever, screw this story. Soren says he doesn’t have anypony to sing with him, but Luna steps on stage and says that she will sing with him. Dear lord, it’s like a compilation of every cliché storytelling in the book.

So, they sing their song and they end up beating the Singer Sisters. Honestly, I’ve stopped caring. And frankly, rather than the sisters swearing revenge, actually admit Soren is better than them. Okay, this is actually not that bad. You could have gone the clichéd route and made them want revenge, but hell; you actually give them a more compassionate side. Granted, it wasn’t done very well, but hey, points for taking a risk.

However, before they can celebrate, a pony appears and kidnaps Luna.

Are you convinced now, sir?

What are you talking about?!

The signs are all there, sir. The force romantic similarities, the romantic song for her, the romantic duet they sing, her changing her appearance for him, and now Luna has been made a damsel in distress for Soren to rescue. It is pretty obvious that she is the romantic interest!

No, she’s not! But I will say that this totally sucks out the badassness of Luna! Seriously, would you ever expect any pony to capture Luna so easily?!

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So, badass! Only one pony be tough enough to cancel an entire holiday! Luna, you are fucking awesome!

So, Soren attacks Luna’s kidnapper and asks her why she has kidnapped Princess Luna? The kidnapper responses, saying that in order for Nightmare Moon to be resurrected, she needs Princess Luna.

Don’t you love it when a villain reveals his/her evil plan when you just ask them? This would sure make Batman’s job easier.

Batman: Two-face, what are you planning to do to the city?

Two-face: I plan on using two bombs to blow up two different points in the city at 2 o’clock!

Batman: How do I stop them?

Two-Face: You would just steal the device from my hand that I am currently holding, right now.

Batman: How would I knock you out?

Two-Face: Hitting me in the faces really, really hard. Most likely from a punch or a kick.

Soren and the evil witch battle each other, but Soren starts getting his ass whooped. However, Soren claims that, while her magic is more powerful than his, he claims that she sucks at hoof-to-hoof combat.

Now, our villain isn’t stupid. Surely, she would not accept his challenge after she had clearly wiped the floor with him.

"Do you honestly want to die in a slower fashion?" Soren's determined expression answered her question. "Very well...

Oh, come the fuck on!

There is no reason for you to fight him in hoof to hoof combat! No fucking reason whatsoever! You beaten him! You’ve won! Just grab Luna and go! There is no need to prove yourself to this twat! You have no reason to fight him after you just beat the living shit out of him!

Oh, and get this bullshit! She casts a spell that traps the others so they can’t interfere with their fight! Lady, if you have a spell that can capture Princess Luna that easily, why the fuck are you wasting your time against a pony you barely know?! Don’t you have priorities?! No, you don’t! YOURS ARE FUCKED UP!

They fight for a bit and then Soren unleashes the power of the Uniforce. Oh, sorry, the Elemental Guardian within him and manages to beat back the villain, who is revealed to be … Nightmare Moon?

Okay, it’s not really Nightmare Moon, but just a shadow that wants to resurrect her. I don’t know, makes as much sense as everything else this story is going to throw at us. She vows to return for Luna saying that the Nightmare Guardians have awakened.

Soren passes out after the battle and wakes up in a hospital. As he starts to examine his body, he realizes just how much of a beating he took.

His body was wrapped up in a random fashion and his right fore-leg was fully wrapped.

Doctor 1: Well, everypony. We need to randomly wrap up his body. That’ll take care of him.

Doctor 2: Um… don’t you want to deal with his broken ribs?

Doctor 1: Meh, I’m sure the randomness will take care of it.

Seriously, Dr. Cox would tear these people apart!

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The nurse tells the others that Soren still needs rest, but he will recover soon. Princess Luna asks everyone to leave the room and gives a letter for Soren to read.

It says that the Nightmare Guardians won’t stop until Nightmare Moon is resurrected. Unless you challenge them to a fist fight in which case they completely forget out their mission. It also explains that Soren must train in order to prepare for the battle against them. And it is signed by Princess Luna. Which begs the question, why didn’t she just tell him that? She was in the same damn room!

Anyway, Soren gets out of the hospital after a few days, and he practices a very important art. An important art that will keep him from falling to the forces of evil. An art that will tear the army of darkness to pieces! He practices the art of … singing?

I thought there was a princess of evil with an evil cult trying to resurrect her! And you are supposed to be preparing for it?! And you think that instead of practicing combat and magic, you should work on your singing voice, that once again, I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR!

As Soren is on his way to SugarCube Corner, he runs into a mare and stallion who are arguing about a meteorite that landed in the distant mountains. This will be a plot point for later.

Mare: I heard there was a group of survivors in District 13! Have you heard about that?!

Stallion: No, but I heard there is an old jedi who lives in a swamp! Have you heard about that one?!

Mare: No, but I heard that there was a Hollywood producer who was looking for singing and dancing frogs!

Stallion: It’s a good thing we are here to shout out random plot points to characters we’ve never met before!

Soren arrives at SugarCube Corner and starts a conversation with the main six, explaining about the meteorite and how he saw it in a dream. A pity we never saw that dream, but whatever.

The others don’t think it any more than a dream and Soren takes off still wondering what to do. Night falls and Soren can’t get to sleep due to some random noise being made.

It’s the damn neighbor’s dogs! And one day, I’m going to shoot those stupid mutts!

He decides to go to the Everfree Forest where he hears a cry for help. He follows the cry to find Fluttershy being chased by a mysterious creature.

Okay, quick question, what the hell is Fluttershy doing in the Everfree Forest in the middle of the night?! Did she really think that was a good idea?! That’s incredibly stupid!

The creature is almost on Fluttershy when Soren… starts singing? Yeah, I guess I wasn’t too far off from my Pied Piper comment. He manages to sing the creature into a submissive state, even as more creatures surround them.

Okay, now lead them all against Canterlot and take the throne for yourself!

When the light faded, he opened his eyes to see that the creatures left.

Damn it! So close.

So apparently this event takes so much power out of Soren that he decides to sleep in the Everfree Forest.

One, the Everfree Forest isn’t exactly the safest place in Equestria. There are manticores, dragons, cockatrice, and those shadow monsters you just defeated! Is it really a good idea to sleep someplace with all that danger?

Two, you’re not going to check up on Fluttershy? She was just attacked by a shadow monster! You aren’t going to check up on her and see if she is okay?! Not going to ask her why she is in the Everfree Forest, because ‘you’re too tired?’

:fluttershysad: Soren, I’m bleeding out! Help me!

Soren: Sorry, Fluttershy *yawn* I’m just so tired…

:fluttershysad: Um… okay. Well, could you at least take me to a hospital?

Soren: I’ll worry about it in the morning *yawn* Good night.

:fluttercry: Um… okay. Well… I’ll just… die then… That’s okay…

THINK, YOU IDIOT!

Soren wakes up with Twilight and the others around him. Again, it’s never explained why Fluttershy was in the Everfree Forest and it turns out that Soren has lost his ability to sing.

It turns out that the creatures that attacked him last night steal special talents from ponies. Okay, admittedly this is somewhat interesting. But let’s see how it disappoints.

"So...I just lost my singing voice..."

Oh, no! It’s not like … I don’t have other magical abilities and physical abilities that I can use to save the world, that I should be focusing on anyway! Clearly my beautiful singing voice is far more important than that ‘fate of the world’ shit!

The main six take Soren to Vinyl to see if they can get his singing voice back. Vinyl apparently knows about the creatures that attacked Soren, and offers to help them out.

But I suppose Soren could get  some  of his talent back. It'll be boring here without his singing voice."

Because Equestria was incapable of having fun before Soren came to it. Go to hell, Soren.

Vinyl starts playing songs for Soren to sing, but his singing voice only seems to get worse. Soren decides that he will try lip-syncing instead. Ah, the truth about pop stars.

He grabs some paper, from Celestia knows where… No, I’m serious. That’s how it’s written in the story.

After grabbing some paper from Celestia knows where, he began to write down some lyrics.

And now we officially see the point where the author threw up his hands and said “Screw it, I don’t care.”

He asks Twilight and the others to gather up some of the townsponies and says for them to be back at the stage. The main six gather back at the town with several volunteers and Soren asks them to sing the song that he wrote for his experiment. And the town just starts singing without debating with him. I don’t know. Maybe he was secretly offering free cookies to anyone who helped.

After the experiment, which is never really explained to us, so what the hell was the point of this, Soren! We see a black-maned mare off in the distance watching Soren. Soren notices her, but keeps on going throughout his day. As the day presses on he notices that that black-maned mare is following him, but he’s too tired to do anything about it and is off to the library to head to bed.

Huh? This guy’s priorities are really fucked up. And this is the guy who is going to save the world? I can already see the ending now.

:twilightoops: Soren, the fate of the world is in your hooves! If you don’t act now, we will all die!

Soren: Okay, but… *yawn* I’m just so tired… I’ll get back to it after a power nap…

:twilightangry2: What does Luna see in you, you useless mother-!

We then get a dream sequence about… um… I have no idea. There’s supposed to be some kind of battle going on, but it’s hard to dig through the poor descriptions of it. I’m not sure who the battle is between or even what is going on in the battle. There are just mention of pony force, but then they have fireballs and knives and a lot of confusing moments.

Soren then talks to a one winged Pegasus-

Oh, god. I wish… At least, as long as he doesn’t think he’s some kind of Islamic deity.

However, he learns that the one winged pony is named Coyote Colt. Wouldn’t Coyote Cub make more sense?

Anyway, he wakes up from the dream confused as to what is to happen.

Frankly, I feel the same way.

So, Soren doesn’t really think about the dream, which is odd since after his dreams he wouldn’t shut up about them. What makes this dream any different?

He starts moping about how he misses Luna. And it is at this point that I really need to point this out. The writing is terrible for this. This scene is particular is really bad. This is supposed to be an emotional moment for Soren, but just look at this…

Soren began to feel a little sad. The reason for his sadness was very obvious to him (and maybe his friends if they were with him). He missed Luna. It's as simple as that. Although it hasn't been that many days since Luna left, Soren still missed her company. Of course he has to expect these kinds of things since Luna is a princess, but it doesn't mean he still can't miss her. To prevent himself from becoming even more sad, Soren left the park and walked straight for the library.

I wonder how Soren’s sadness is affecting him. That might be good to know. How does it affect him?! Show, don’t tell! You know, I don’t care. Moving on.

Soren goes to the library when Twilight receives a letter from Princess Celestia. Twilight reads that Princess Celestia wishes to test Soren’s ability to sing in front of a crowd on Nightmare Night. Um… seriously? What does his singing have to do with Nightmare Moon’s resurrection?! God, I’ve seen slugs that could move faster than this story!

No, I take that back! I’ve seen stationary objects that can move faster than this story! Chapter 10 and we don’t even have a clue what the hell is going on! All we know is that Nightmare Moon is returning! Okay, what have we done about that?

Nothing!

Okay, what about the Soul Stealing plot point?!

Nothing!

What about the mysterious black-maned mare?!

Nothing!

That is the problem with this story! If there is a good story within it, it moves too fucking slow! You need to keep your audience interested! Something needs to happen! The story needs to progress! And if it’s not going to progress at least make us learn something about the characters! But because of the poor pacing and character development in this story, it is hard to get through and it is hard to keep your audience invested!

So, let’s see if we can get invested…

Twilight explains that Celestia wants Soren to perform in the parade, and Soren takes it pretty damn well. Unrealistically well, since he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that he can’t sing still! But yeah, Soren just says he’ll do it and he leaves with a smile on his face. I guess somepony forgot that they can’t sing!

So, Soren gets home and suddenly remembers ‘Oh, yeah. I can’t sing in that parade in two weeks!’ Soren starts to debate with himself about what to do and says that if he can’t come up with a solution tomorrow, he’d have to cancel with Princess Celestia. Wait, the parade is in two weeks? Why tomorrow? I guess, that is courteous since that gives Celestia ample time to find a replacement, but… Oh, god. You aren’t going to go the cliché route, are you?

So Soren comes up with a plan to get his voice back and starts talking to Twilight. He explains that he needs the help of the Canterlot Choir and Twilight writes a letter explaining the situation to Princess Celestia.

So, two weeks pass by and it is the beginning of Nightmare Night. And Soren finally reveals his plan to sing at the parade. And he does this by… having the choir sing for him while he conducts it?

As the son of a music teacher, I can tell you that a conductor does not play an instrument?! Nor does a conductor produce any kind of music?! A conductor keeps time and tempo so the performers stay on the same beat! And while I do admit that a conductor is important for choosing pieces of music that is to be performed, giving the sound and tone directions that he feels the pieces needs and since he is in the position of where the sound will go, gets the best overall feel of how it is going to sound.

But it is the performers who perform! Not the conductor! That would be like saying that the coach played for the football team because he’s the coach, when the players are out there doing all the work! And yes, the coach told them what to do and how to make the plays, but it was the player who actually performed the tasks.

To say that Soren sang the songs without actually singing them is something I disagree with. Some of you might see it the author’s way, but I, for one, don’t.

And if you didn’t think that was stupid, oh, just wait until we see what comes next.

So after the performance, Soren decides to make a big show in front of everypony. He gathers magic from his horn and … wait, what?

The sonic boom, combined with Soren's magic, created an awesome display of creativity. To describe the sight as simply as possible, imagine a Sonic Rainboom but replace it with dark clouds and lightning.

So, I guess… Soren can do a Sonic Rainboom now. Except that it’s not exactly like a Sonic Rainboom, but it might as well be a Sonic Rainboom. And how is he able to accomplish this since he has never actually trained to perform it when Rainbow Dash had to train hard and have the motivation that her friend was going to die if she didn’t perform it?!

And guess what? If you thought that was ultimately stupid… Take a gander at this!

After his… I don’t even know what to call that… Princess Luna and Princess Celestia make a speech about how Soren just gave them the best Nightmare Night ever. And to reward Soren for his work, Celestia gives him a wishing star.

What is a wishing star you ask? Well, Soren is allowed to make one wish with it! It can be anything he wants in the entire universe! Anything he wants at all!

And what does he wish for with it?

"I wished for my singing voice,"

That’s it. I’m done… Have a good day guys. Have a nice life.

***

The Critique slunk into the kitchen, leaving the book back on his favorite spot. He shook his head as he slip into the chair, his hoof against his chin.  Why am I still doing this? The reviews. Every story feels like another reminder of what I could have been. Looking down at the bare table, his hooves started to rub his forehead.

“Sir,” a voice came from the ceiling, “Are you alright?”

He continued to shake his head. “Do I look alright, Computer?” he growled. He took a deep breath before slamming his head against the table. “This story is horrid. I’ve never seen a writer say they care so much and yet show signs that they clearly don’t.”

“You are giving up, then?”

“Maybe I should,” the Critique’s voice muffled voice came through the table. “Maybe I don’t have the stuff to review it anymore.”

A robotic arm came from the ceiling, placing itself on the Critique’s back. “Sir, you knew this story was bad.”

Critique slid away from the table, shaking his head. The robotic arm slid off his back, simply handing in the air. “But this?! What the fuck was even the point of taking his voice away, if you were just going to give it back to him in…” His voice stopped as he looked up at the ceiling. “In such a way that… steals away so much character development.”

He slouched to the ground, resting his head against the marble floor. “I’m giving up. I’m not doing this anymore.”

Silence filled the air around them. It gave him ample time to solidify his resolve. Then the Computer spoke. “For as long as I have known you, when things do not go your way when you want it, you give up. Just like your writing. Just like your relationship with your father. Just like many things.”

The words echoed all around him, hovering in the air like the robotic arm only a few feet above him. Thoughts swirled through his mind like a tornado, digging up old pains that he had buried within the recesses of his mind. His writing had failed to take off, so he gave up. Pleasing his father proved impossible, so he cut off his relationship with him. Relationship with friends never stayed on the path he wanted, so he cut ties with them. The list went on.

Was this going to be another thing on the list of things he had given up on? He sat on the floor, debating with himself. Why try? Nothing has come of it for five years! Nothing has come of any of it!

But how do I just give up on it? No matter how bad it is. I love storytelling. I love writing.

Yeah and look where that got us?! A stupid library that nopony ever comes to. A job where all I do is bitch about stories and what they could have done better?

Maybe. But all I’ve been trying to do is teach others about my passion. Just like somepony you know.

His mind took a look back at the stallion who raised him. Music was his passion. It seemed to be the only thing that gave him pleasure. When he was up on the stage conducting his music, he showed how passionate he was. His whole body moved as he conducted. The movements were fierce and crisp, sudden like the pounding of a drum. His nearly violent movements mirrored the music as it became powerful and dominate, full of strength. But when the music became graceful, his movement flowed like a calm spring, delicate. As if one touch could break his flow, like the stillness of a pond.

He remembered sitting in on one of his father’s rehearsals. Every note his performers played, every tone in the room, every sound that was heard, the stallion seemed to pick up. It was as if his ears had been attuned to pick up every detail. Taking in every mistake and analyzing it to see if it was good or bad. Was the start of the piece strong enough to catch your audience’s attention? Did you play the right notes? Did the flow of the piece make sense? Was the balance correct from the piece?

As thoughts of his father crossed his mind, he looked out into the main hall, where the book still sat for him, as if waiting for him to continue. Critique took a deep breath and picked himself off the ground. He made his way to his spot and opened the book. Glancing up to the ceiling, he stated. “Let’s continue.”

***

So after a full night of singing, Soren goes to Rainbow Dash who seems to be depressed about something. Maybe she’s reading this story. That would depress anyone.

Soren asks what is going on, but Rainbow Dash says that she will tell him tomorrow. And then we cut to tomorrow when Rainbow Dash starts telling Soren what is wrong. Seriously? What was the point of that?! I’ve seem more pointed things in the Pointless Forest!

Sir, I did that joke last week.

Oh… Okay then… Moving on.

He goes to converse with Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash explains that it might be nice to have a coltfriend after seeing how happy Luna and he are. She then asks him to help her out with this.

So, Rainbow Dash asks Soren to find her somepony…

"Not really. Just find somepony who is fast, strong, and cool."

:rainbowkiss: Doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or not. As long as he is fast, strong and cool.

But then Rainbow Dash explains that, she doesn’t really want a coltfriend and that she was simply jealous of all the attention he was getting.

Ha, ha, ha! That scene was completely pointless… I HATE THIS STORY! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

Ooooh, that felt good.

Okay, so Soren goes out and finds Luna where he discusses the dream about Coyote Colt. Luna explains that Twilight Sparkle might be able to help, as it just so happens she is doing research on the subject. Sure, why not?

Twilight explains that Soren has the ability of lucid dreaming (or the ability to control one’s dream, which doesn’t make sense, but hey, whatever) and an ability called Star Sight, an ability where he can peer into the future through dreams.

So, as you can see his lucid dreaming ability doesn’t make sense, since he can’t control the future and he has never had control over his dreams before. Screw this story!

Twilight realizes the desert town Soren was describing was Appaloosa, because I’m sure Appaloosa is the ONLY town to be near a desert and Twilight figures that the town is in danger. She asks them to go visit Applejack as she will be the only one who knows about Coyote Colt.

Youtube Video

Wait, how would Twilight know that?

So, they talk to Applejack about Coyote Colt. Applejack mentions a letter she got from Braeburn and says that Coyote Colt is a unicorn with an eye patch.

Wasn’t he just a Pegasus with only one wing?! Did you not even read your own story?!

Ugh! Moving on!

So, they explain to Applejack about the attack that is about to happen and say that they need to prepare for the next week. I’m not sure why they can’t go there now and prepare there since they are never given an exact date of when the attack is supposed to take place, but then again the story can’t even tell a one eyed unicorn from a one wing Pegasus.

And what does Soren do with his time now that a war is likely going to happen very soon? Why teach Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar for his band, of course. Oh, yes. That seemed the most logical!

So, Soren, who I guess is now the leader of the main six, hello, when did that happen, asks the six’s opinion on whether or not they should bring Luna along.

Luna is a freaking badass! She was able to take on Celestia! She might as well be a one mare army, but then again this is the story that made her a damsel in distress, so what are you going to do?

But they feel they can handle it on their own, after all, they have the great and powerful Mary Sue! God, I hate this character!

They begin their journey to Appaloosa and start to discuss what to do about Coyote Colt. He mentions a pony that works for him that only has one wing. Applejack replies,

"Braeburn said the colt can fly."

This is so stupid on so many different levels.

Twilight is able to come up with a plan to deal with Coyote Colt and … Soren starts laughing at her?

"I'm not...laughing...at the plan," Soren said behind laughs. "I'm just...amazed that...you came up with it...on the spot."

If there is anyone who hates this character as much as I do, please join the Anti-Soren movement. We need all the support we can get to kill this piece of shit.

So, Soren wakes up in the middle of the night and … hears a voice in his head?

I hear a voice in my head too. It’s asking me to kill you with a chain saw and a trout. Don’t ask me why a trout though.

Soren listens to the voice which tells him to destroy lights on the train track. Great, on top of everything else, he has an evil voice in his head telling to do evil things. As if this character couldn’t be more uninteresting.

Soren goes back to sleep a gets another dream, this time with a group of alicorns, oh I’m sorry, the Nightmare Guardians, they were so well established in this story I’m surprised I forgot, are for some reason working with Luna. Bets on how many chapters it will take to come back to that plot point? Ever hear of Chekhov's gun, story? If not, look it up!

Now, Soren should take this even more seriously since, you know, he has precognition, but of course, he doesn’t think anything of it.

Instead, he’d rather make out with Rainbow Dash. … That’s right. Just when you though this character couldn’t be any more detestable, he starts making out with Rainbow Dash, even though he’s with Luna. Now, admittedly the development between him and Rainbow Dash is better than what it is with Luna and Soren. Granted, it’s still not good, but it’s certainly better. However, this just makes both of them look disloyal and Soren willing to bang every pony in Ponyville.

So, the next morning, they go over the plan again, but Applejack is worried that Braeburn won’t believe them. I would say that ‘he is your cousin, why would you lie to him?’ but hey, everyone in this world has to be doubtful or Soren couldn’t be reassuring them all the time. Lord knows that’s all he’s good for, making sure everypony is staying as out of character as possible.

They arrive in Appaloosa and the sheriff tells them that the one-winged pony, named One-Winged Willie, broke into the prison and freed one of their fellow bandits. They find out that the raid will happen tomorrow.

"WHAT?!" Everypony but Braeburn and SilverStar exclaimed.

Oh no! If only we had been here a week ago and not wasted our time with teaching Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar, but instead actually making plans for the attack! God, we are terrible ponies! We suck at our job and we should just die!

So, of course, Twilight’s plan can’t work now, since they only have a day to put it together. So, who is the one to come up with a new plan? Stupid-ass-dumb-shit, of course.

So, their plan is to go to the buffalos for help, since well, I guess they have that kind of time, and Soren and Rainbow Dash head out while Twilight and the others prepare the towns defenses.

As they travel, Rainbow Dash and Soren are eventually attacked by One-Winged Willie and Coyote Colt. Rainbow Dash gets injured and it’s up to Soren to get them both to safety. Soren did this, Soren did that, you know… Nothing to change things up.

They get to the buffalos where they start to treat Rainbow Dash’s injuries. Soren then explains that Appaloosa is in danger to Chief Thunderhooves.

Not a massive amount of danger but a great enough danger that should be stopped."

Thunderhooves: Oh, well if it’s not a massive amount of danger, then I’m not going to worry about it.

Soren: Wait, you don’t understand, the town is about to be inconvenienced. Mildly, but inconvenienced all the same.

Thunderhooves: Sorry, still not big enough to send all my forces out.

Soren: I am almost getting angry at you. Not angry enough to attack you, but angry all the same!

Thunderhooves: You are the strangest little pony, I’ve ever seen…

However, after explaining about Coyote Colt, Thunderhooves decides to help them out. Soren and Little Strongheart start to nurse Rainbow Dash back to normal, but there is a slight problem.

Luckily, she isn't internally damaged."

"I beg to differ. Her wings are in horrible shape."

I don’t think this story knows what the word ‘internally’ means, that or it really doesn’t care.

We cut to Twilight and the others planning their strategy to defend the town, when Soren and Rainbow Dash show up.

And finally, we get to the fucking raid… Ugh… Let’s just get this over with…

Soren was worried and a little angry.

Not angry enough to start yelling, but angry all the same. See how stupid that sounds yet?

The raid was happening as he slept, and his friends chose to let him sleep!

Well, if you didn’t prioritize sleeping so much, maybe your friends wouldn’t act like that!

:applejackconfused: Twilight, the raid has started!

:twilightoops: Oh, no! I’ll go wake up Soren!

:ajbemused: Hold up, partner. Soren doesn’t like to be woken up for nothing! He’ll tear you apart!

:twilightoops: But he’s our only hope of saving the town!

:ajbemused: Remember what happened when Fluttershy asked him to take her to the hospital and she was bleeding to death.

:twilightangry2: Oh, yeah! That useless mother-!

So, Soren meets with the main six and tells them that he will deal with Coyote Colt. He flies off and battles him one on one. Coyote Colt starts to overpower him, but that is when Soren transforms into a Super Saiyan!

Because he doesn’t have enough contrived powers yet .

He defeats Coyote and Coyote begs Soren not to kill him. And do we ever get an explanation of who Coyote is? Do we ever get an explanation of who One-Winged Willie was? Why are they together? Why does Coyote wear an eyepatch? Why does One-Winged Willie only have one wing? Why were their buffalos that betrayed Chief Thunderhooves? What did Coyote promise them? Why did he hate the town? What was the point in attacking them?

Of course, we’ll never know because the story is too damn lazy to tell us.

Finally, we are about halfway through this story and I need a break. The first half of this story is garbage.

But we’ve still got one more half to go and it only goes downhill from here. Not that it started very high up, but still the worst is yet to come, everypony. Have a great day, guys.

Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 2

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

So what happened last week?

Soren the Alicorn appeared in Equestria and starting singing to win everypony over. He falls in love with Luna and starts making out with her. Only to cheat on her with Rainbow Dash.

He has a long list of powers that grow larger every day, because he’s the chosen one or something like that. I don’t remember I ingested too much alcohol before this. And he has just vanquished a group of bandits, who have nothing do with the major villain of the story, so they were pretty much pointless cannon fodder, to show how awesome Soren… oh, I’m sorry, Road Kill is.

So, let’s dig into Road Kill the Alicorn/Super Seiyan/Avatar/Green Lantern/Master Builder Part 1: Part 2.

We start up where we left off, after the attack on Appaloosa. Two days pass and Road Kill and the others finish the repairs of the city. Why were they worried about the attack of the evil bandit group if the repairs could be made in two days? And for that matter, why were there a group of bandits attacking Appaloosa to begin with? That’s never explored on.

They regroup on a train and head straight for Ponyville. Once there, Twilight explains that a fire elemental joined with Road Kill to increase his power and that he needs to find the other elementals as well.

Road Kill, you must travel with Skye to learn all four elements. Only then can you defeat the evil Critique from ruining all Mary-Sues.

"Our next adventure will be to waste time on this train ride," Soren said sarcastically. The mares laughed even though they all knew it was true.

No, the next adventure will be to waste time … Mostly mine.

After a couple of days, the group finally arrives back in Ponyville, where Pinkie Pie is hosting a big party for their return and victory over the bandits. Naturally, as was established in a previous chapter, they do not like Pinkie Pie’s parties and don’t want to be her friends any more. I imagine Pinkie’s face would look something like this…

What? You thought there would be a murderous Pinkie Pie face with a knife or something? Ha, ha, ha… Of course not… That comes later…

Road Kill wonders why Luna didn’t meet them at the train station and the others reply that she is waiting at town square as she listens to Vinyl and Octavia’s music. Why didn’t Luna go to the train station with everypony else?! If they are so madly in love, why doesn’t she go to him to see if he is alright?

Maybe it’s because she’s a princess and they can’t put her in harm’s way. Which doesn’t make any more sense than it did with Twilight.

Anyway, Road Kill goes to her and they embrace (Road Kill not bothering to tell her that Rainbow Dash came onto him.) and Luna asks how the battle went.

"Yeah, it was definitely a good fight,

No, it wasn’t. Shut up!

As they listen to the songs, they find out that Octavia has been playing some depressing music. Road Kill goes to her to see if he can find out what’s wrong, because Vinyl and Luna don’t seem to care that much. And even if they did, they are just lost without Road Kill. We are still accepting applications for the Anti-Soren movement. If you are interested, please sign on the dotted line.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Octavia explains that she will tell Road Kill because they are good friends. When in the flying hell did that happen?! Who the fuck am I kidding?! I’ll believe that Road Kill is actually Octavia’s long lost brother who just happens to be an alicorn if it will make this story end quicker.

So, anyway, Road Kill and Luna arrive at Octavia’s home and Octavia explains her entire backstory. We don’t even have the backstory of our main character yet! Why are we going into Octavia’s backstory?!

Wait, I take that back! Whatever Octavia’s backstory is has got to be more interesting than Road Kill’s! I want to read her story instead!

Octavia explains that she was a musician with dreams of grandeur, but never a chance to shine. While she did play at several establishments, she never received the fame she craved. She made her way to Ponyville, where she met a pony who had enjoyed her performance. Vinyl.  

Before the mayor could respond, Vinyl asked me to be her roommate. When asked why, Vinyl said that we could make 'sick' music together.

… I’m sure your music would make me sick… And not in the way that you might think… Make of that what you will.

It turns out that two days ago, Octavia had received a letter from Canterlot about a musical audition they would like her to perform for. However, it would have to mean that she would have to leave her friends behind.

So, Octavia doesn’t know what to do.

Now, this is actually really damn good. Its a good set up for the character. It shows a problem that would affect her deeply. An issue as to why she feels why she can't go and something that is holding her back. This is a really good dilemma for the character. Granted, why doesn't Vinyl and Octavia talk about it without the aid of Road Kill here, but still...

Why am I not reading about Octavia’s dilemma?! Octavia’s story?! This character, who has barely been in a single chapter, has had more of an impact on me, than Road Kill being in 20! I want to hear her story, her struggles! That sounds way, WAY more interesting than this piece of shit!

But, how do we fuck up such a monumental character moment for Vinyl and Octavia’s relationship? Hm…

I’ve got it! Let’s make Soren give us the easy way out!

Road Kill, it turns out, has an invitation from Celestia to take as many ponies as he would like to Canterlot for a big musical night. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s at the exact same location as the place Octavia’s going to perform at!

Everypony give this story a round of applause for taking away such a powerful and emotional moment that could have told the depths of a relationship between two very minor characters.

So, yeah, Road Kill gets to plan a group of entertainers around the place and chooses Vinyl and Octavia to come.

"So what do we need, Soren?" Vinyl asked. "We have me, you, and Octavia. Who else should we bring?" Soren put a hoof to his chin in thought.

"I need ponies that can play certain instruments. Using magic on all of them could be too exhausting for me during a long performance.

Even though we clearly established that you were able to do this in a previous scene. Constancy? Fuck it.

So, he gets the main six to help put together musical performances. Road Kill asks Luna to sing with him, but she refuses because of some royal duty bullcrap. I don’t care, let’s just start the force romantic misunderstanding or whatever.

The next day, Celestia sends a letter to Road Kill explaining how proud she is of his willingness to help others. I help others on a daily basis and I don’t get any letters.

You insult other ponies hard work and characters. How is that helpful?

Shut up.

Oh, by the way, Celestia. Not to be rude or anything, but isn’t there a group of psychopaths, WHO TRIED TO KIDNAP YOUR SISTER AND RESURRECT NIGHTMARE MOON?! BECAUSE I THINK THAT SHOULD BE MENTIONED!

Anyway, with Celestia’s help, they are on their way to finishing up their preparations for the concert.

So, the day finally arrives for the concert. Again, we don’t see anything they do to prep for it, so I assume it all went swimming with absolutely nopony having any difficulties or anything that would make for interesting storytelling and GOD I HATE THIS STORY!

So, Octavia and Vinyl perform and, again, its just a mossy mess of musical mush.

Soren starts performing for the crowd, but then what should happen? Why not get the most cliché, dumbest contrived bunch of bullshit we can pull together?! This story is good at cliché, contrived, bullshit!

Luna appears and starts singing a duet with him, with no rehearsal and no prior knowledge that they were going to sing.

Thank you, Rainbow Dash. You have almost redeemed yourself for helping Road Kill cheat on Luna. Almost.

So, after the concert, Soren and the others host a big party, where Octavia is feeling a little blue. Well, it is a musical story, so let’s throw in some depressing blues music.

Youtube Video

So, after the concert, Octavia gets offered to be a permanent performer of the place she was offered before. However, Octavia rejects the offer, snapping at them for daring to offer her a steady job and  free food, good housing and… wait what?

So, yeah, Octavia rejects the offer that was made to her in order to achieve her dream, making this section of the story…

Celestia offers them all a ride back to Ponyville, where we see two reoccurring gags rolled into one for me.

"I'd be lying if I said I was only slightly tired," Soren yawned.

I’m only slightly tired. Not enough to fall asleep, but enough to not be 100%. Unless, we get into an emergency, then I’ll be really tired.

:twilightangry2: Are you useful for anything?!

Road Kill gets a dream about… um… I’m not really sure… One moment he is in the middle of a field of flowers, the next he is in Princess Celestia’s study, watching her… I don’t really see what the point of this is. Is this supposed to be the future? If so, that’s pretty damn vague.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash ask him if everything is okay. Road Kill says that he is, but Rainbow Dash says…

"I don't think you'd be thrashing like that if it was 'only a dream,'" Rainbow Dash said.

Are they sleeping in the same room as him? Shouldn’t he be sleeping with Luna or something? Wait, I take that back! He shouldn’t be sleeping with anypony!

Anyway, they go downstairs were the other ponies are looking for him. Fluttershy then points out that Road Kill’s Cutie Mark has been growing grayer. Apparently, Luna has noticed, but is too much of a bitch to tell him, or let him know what is going on. No, it’s only Fluttershy after she is coerced by Luna, who brings it up!

Way to be a bitch, Luna!

Road Kill passes out and Luna leaves to consult with Celestia on the matter.

Meanwhile, Road Kill starts dreaming about the strange human like creatures from way, WAY back. If any of you actually remembered them, that is a miracle. We then hear a character’s name. Nyroc. Hmm.. interesting that Nyroc is the name of the author.

Oh, god another self-insert. Computer, I might need my shotgun for this!

Road Kill gets back and finds out that there is an evil voice in his head. And that the evil voice is trying to attack Rarity. Why does he suddenly have an evil voice inside his head when it was never in the story? Because the author doesn’t give a shit about this story!

Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and heads to the Everfree Forest to get away from everypony, so that he won’t hurt them. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash follows him and he starts to slowly change into his evil half.

We cut to Celestia, Twilight and her friends searching the Everfree Forest for Road Kill and Rainbow Dash.

Applejack decided to speak up.

"Never a dull moment with that colt,"

Are we reading the same story? Because this story has been dull from the very beginning. I want to read about the story you are reading!

Celestia explains what is happened to Road Kill. Apparently, an evil spirit came to Celestia, threatening to kill her. However, the spirit made her a deal. If Celestia would remain silent about the attempt on her life, he would not bother her or Canterlot again.

Okay… wait… What?

"It threatened me, but it also made me a deal. The deal was that the spirit would leave me alone and not try to threaten Canterlot if I would speak of that day to no one.

That… is … absolutely stupid! I mean, that is unbelievable stupid! Unrealistically stupid! I mean, why the flying hell did the spirit just not kill the most powerful being in all of Equestria?! There is never any mention of any defense Celestia was able to conjure, there was never any method of her outwitting him and there was never anything that Celestia said to make the spirit back down.

The way the story puts it, it makes it sound as if the spirit could kill Celestia whenever he wants. And yet he chooses not to. Then why the hell did he threaten to kill her in the first place?! You might say that “He must have some plans for her”, but even the explanation of why doesn’t make any sense either, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Celestia explains that the spirit has taken over Road Kill’s body. For what purpose she won’t say. They finally find Road Kill and Rainbow Dash in the forest. However, Road Kill is still in his evil form and has hypnotized Rainbow Dash into attacking her friends.

Heh, so much for the Element of Loyalty.

I was just kidding… Why does everypony get so defensive?

Anyway, they try stopping Road Kill, but he simply manages to hypnotize everypony into attacking everypony else. Now, I have to admit. This idea is not a bad one. The idea of hypnotizing the main characters against one another is not lost on me and it could work. We know it works because of Discord’s first appearance.

However, the problem with this story is, IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE! We never saw that this was affecting anypony in any way! We never saw Road Kill use these powers, except for two times! One time Road Kill used his powers to calm the animals down and defeat the Shadow Creatures. Other than that, it has been his power of a Super Sayian.

If the story had focused more on the singing aspect of his powers, and what kind of effect they would have, rather than the “Elemental Guardian” bullshit, this story might have had a chance.

Urg… anyway, more of the friends get hypnotized leaving only Luna, Twilight and Celestia awake. Celestia comes up with a plan and asks the others not to interfere.

Twilight hesitated at first but nodded. 'What could she possibly do to not want me to interfere? Is she...is she going to hurt Soren?'

Oh, no! This single stallion who is more important to me than all of my friends and my mentor who is kind of like a mother figure to me! What if he is hurt?! Not hurt enough that he won’t recover in a day, but hurt nonetheless.

Sir, that joke is getting old.

So is this story, for that matter.

The spell Celestia casts ends up freeing Road Kill from the evil voice within him, which turns out to be Nightmare Shadow Puppet whatever. And here is why I think the plan to take over Road Kill is really, really stupid.

One, she could have killed Celestia. There is no mention of her being able to survive their encounter. Therefore, Canterlot would have been crippled. Luna would have been distraught and would make for an easier target.

Two, you would be able to get rid of one of the most powerful alicorns in all of Equestria if you did kill her. Taking away a barrier that hinders your plans.

Three, assuming that you didn’t want to kill her, why not just possess her like you did Soren?! There is no reason why the spirit couldn’t possess Celestia when she possess Soren. I would accept the fact that Celestia couldn’t be possessed because she was an alicorn, except that YOU MADE YOUR CHARACTER AN ALICORN! SO THAT EXCUSE DOESN’T WORK!

So, Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and Celestia banished the evil spirit, now called Night Wing, but seriously, I’ll forget by the next sentence, and she flies off.

So, after Road Kill recovers, Celestia decides to explain the origins of … Whatever her name was… I don’t care anymore.

It turns out that Nightmare Moon had planned for something just in case she lost against Celestia.

She had a plan, an overly complicated plan that was designed to resurrect her should she lose.

Damn, even the story admits that its plot is stupid. That’s how you know you’ve got a bad story.

So, it turns out that before her defeat, Nightmare Moon split its magic into two halves, because in bad fan fiction, magic can just do that and that was how Nightmare Wing was born, lying in dormant until Twilight and the others defeated the original Nightmare Moon.

Celestia asks Twilight and the others to defeat Nightmare something… Cat, I think.

My sister and I would stop her ourselves but we will not leave Canterlot unguarded."

Well, that’s really stupid. Why don’t you just tell them you’ll be with them in spirit while you’re at it?

:trollestia: Do not worry, Critique. The next time you face a Mary Sue, I will be with you.

Critique: Really? Fucking sweet! So are you going to give them the whole “send them to the moon” shit?

:trollestia: No, I will be with you in spirit.

Critique: … Big help, Bitch…

:trollestia: What was that?

Critique: Nothing…

Road Kill locks himself in his home because apparently questions are his kryptonite and he thinks that lying in bed feeling sorry for himself will help him find answers. Yeah, the more I read about this character, the more I wish he’d crawl in a hole and die.

However, Octavia and Vinyl manage to get him out of his depression by playing their music. Soren proves how much better he is than Octavia and Vinyl by playing the violin for no reason, other than to show off the size of his penis.

Octavia and Vinyl explain to Road Kill that they are such good friends with him and says that he shouldn’t be trying to solve his problems on his own. And why the hell didn’t Twilight and the others do this since they are supposed to be helping him fight the Nightmare Guardian?! Oh, who the fuck cares at this point?!

A few days later, making me wonder what the hell the point of that scene was, Twilight asks Road Kill if he’s ever wondered about his family. Twilight explains that she was eavesdropping on Octavia and Vinyl’s conversation and discovers that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother!

Because… why the hell not? I mean, we’ve already got every single thing on the Mary Sue list! Unbelievably powerful that is vaguely explained, a destiny that is vaguely explained and really isn’t just like every other destiny that has ever been made, multiple significant others that want to be with him, able to make friends with the canon characters for vague reasons, is one of a kind part of this special group and he is the last one, memory loss, is strangely more important than any other character for vague reasons!

So, this is the most logical next step in the Mary Sue process. Not only making your character related to one of the show’s canon characters, but also, making him a long lost sibling! Wow, you did it story! I didn’t think it was possible, but you actually made your character less interesting than he already was!

I wish I knew how you did that! There must be some kind of magical power that you have that you are just able to conjure new ways to make your character less inventive, less original, less interesting! You must have consulted the gods of uninteresting characters and somehow they granted you this blessing of blandness to your character! I have never seen such blandness to a character before! This is it, the holy grail of blandness! There will never be another character this boring to read about! Everypony, give this pony your respect for his insipidness!

Oh, and if you thought that this character couldn’t get any more bland. Just wait until you see what he’s got into store for us.

So, Twilight and Road Kill go to meet Octavia and discuss if they are related. It turns out that Octavia lost a little brother when she was younger. And that he was only a few months younger than her… Wait what? How did Octavia’s mother accomplish that?!

Oh, it turns out that ponies that are born during an eclipse are born with special powers. And guess what? Road Kill just HAPPENED to be born during an eclipse! What are the fucking odds?! That’s like having a baby who can not only sing well, is a super sayian, plays the banjo, writes the Declaration of Independence, becomes a monk, bangs every girl he meets, is a movie star, but can also burp the ABC’s backwards in a foreign language. What are the odds?!

So, yeah, we find out that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother and… they take it pretty damn well. They just act like it’s an everyday thing. This should have been an emotional moment for both of them, but hey, why would this story resemble anything with emotion?

We then get an author’s note with this lovely little number…

Okay, to the fans of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole, I want to point out that Nyroc will be the second-to-last name I will use from that series. If you don't like that, I'm sorry but I will not change anything. I just ain't that original, sadly.

Sadly, names aren’t the only thing you are not very original with.

So, Soren decides to go to Canterlot to speak to Celestia to see if he is ‘really’ Octavia’s long lost brother. Why the hell does he need to go there when we clearly established… you know what, fuck it!

He goes to Luna and asks her if she will join him on his trip to Canterlot. They start to approach the castle when they are ambushed by … flying unicorns?

All around them were pegasi flying and carrying unicorns. Soren and Luna could tell the unicorns used magic on themselves to make their bodies lighter for their teammates.

There are so many reasons why that shouldn’t work, but hey, whatever? Also, are these guys’ thieves? Bandits? Or do they work for Nightmare Worm? It doesn’t really explain.

Luna and Road Kill try to fight back, but they prove to powerful. Damn, so much for the powers of a Super Sayian! His powers are so inconsistent. One minute, he’s powerful enough to destroy an entire city by blinking, the next minute he is running away from some unicorns riding pegasi, which is still a stupid idea, but points for creativity.

Luna and Road Kill teleport away leaving the guards to fend for themselves. Wow, what a bitch. I’ll let you decide who gets that title.

They arrive at Canterlot and explain what happened during their trip to Princess Celestia.

It seemed like anywhere in Equestria was depressing due to the weather.

That line doesn’t even begin to make sense! The weather is controlled by Pegasi ponies! It’s not like nature decided this was going to happen! The pegasi ponies make it happen! Dear lord, this story is stupid!

We then get an explanation on the “Demi-alicorns” as they are called, but really, it’s just as stupid and as pointless as 90% of this story, so I’m just going to skip it.

"So why am I the Elemental Guardian? From what you're saying, it doesn't seem like the Elements, nor the girls, need any extra protection."

"And you are correct. But there's certain magic that you can learn that not even Twilight Sparkle can."

Because, why not?

So, Celestia explains that Road Kill needs to master the elements of world, including Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart… I mean, Light. Hey, as far as I’m concerned this guy is the fucking Captain Planet of MLP, overpowered, unlikable, and has no weaknesses. They should start a club together.

So, they explain that he has to master all the elements to stop the evil Critique, I mean, Nightmare Guardians. And that he needs to team up with an unlikable Avatar who sits on her ass and does absolutely nothing named Skye.

SKYE, YOU’RE THE WORST AVATAR SINCE KURUK!

I don’t remember doing that review…

That is not yours. It is another reviewer named Iowaforever. He is quite talented. I would recommend checking him out.

Hmm… Anyway, Road Kill goes to the Canterlot library to find out if he is somehow related to Princess Celestia as well. Wouldn’t surprise me?

They fail to find anything on his relationship with Celestia, however, they find that Octavia’s parents live in Canterlot. This confuses Road Kill since Octavia mentioned that her parents lived in Manehatten. Which turns out is completely pointless since it serves nothing to the story later, so why was this even brought up?

They go to investigate the house to see if there is something going on.

"Have you been feeling different recently, Soren?" she asked.

"Not really. Why?"

"It seems like a small portion of your personality changed. You're becoming a lot smarter in situations like this."

Road Kill: Oh, that’s just the author. He’s making you all stupider, so that I look smarter by comparison. That writer is a genius.

As they enter the house they are then greeted by Road Kill’s father, who is also Octavia’s father.

Three chapters left… let’s just get through this…

It turns out that Road Kill’s parents didn’t come forward earlier because they were afraid their son was still corrupted with evil because of what a group of ponies named the Shadow Ponies had done to him.. Even though, the only time he was ever evil was when Nightmare Snake possess him, but who cares at this point?

It turns out that Soren’s name is actually Nyroc. … No, I like Road Kill better. For one, it’s NOT a self-insert!

Look, I don’t care if you self-insert into a story! Really, I don’t! But when you have to kiss your own ass like this to make yourself feel better, don’t take offense when somepony doesn’t like it when you make it unrealistic!

Urgh! Anyway, his parent’s explain that he was taken by the Shadow Ponies, but was given up afterwards, because he was an alicorn and that their leader was threatened by him.

Then why did you bother kidnapping him in the first place, you idiots?! If you hadn’t, this story wouldn’t have been written… Well, just answered my own question.

Road Kill puts two and two together and… somehow reaches the conclusion that the mare that kidnapped him when he was young, was none other than Nightmare Fish.

No, I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. This story doesn’t deserve it.

Also, I’ve just thought of something… The villain’s plan makes no goddamn fucking sense!

One, if you kidnapped the young alicorn, why didn’t you just possess or corrupt him when he was 5 years old?! It’s not like you don’t have the power to possess him, we see you do that when he is an adult!

Two, why don’t you just raise him as a son to further your goals?! Another alicorn on your side at such a young age can be manipulated to your own ends! And you are seriously going to throw that away?! That is wasteful!

Three, if you have really been around this long, why have you waited so damn long for this overly complicated plan to come to fruition?! Why don’t you just possess Princess Celestia and use her vast resources to trick Luna into a trap?!

Four, why the hell are your minions kidnapping alicorns in the middle of the night for no reason?! They seriously serve no purpose to your ends and certainly don’t increase your chances of freeing Nightmare Moon, since you specifically state, “WE NEED LUNA!”

God, these villains make Mykan’s Titan look competent by comparison. Jesus, I really need to stop giving that guy so much credit.

The group arrives back in Ponyville after saying farewell to his parent’s like he was just visiting them for the weekend, even though they just spent 15 years trying to find him, but the author doesn’t know anything about emotions and the ties of family so…

Yeah, moving on. They get back to Ponyville where Road Kill seems to be acting differently as a mysterious voice enters his head. And of course, in true Kalani fashion, he doesn’t tell anypony about his obviously evil voice inside his head that is telling him to do bad shit.

… That wasn’t my review either.

Please, support Iowaforever.

Why do you do advertisements for him and not me?

He is funnier than you and does not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence.

I fucking do not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence! Only every fucking sentence!

Twilight and the others figure out that something is wrong with Road Kill, no shit Sherlock, and decide to investigate it.

Twilight and the others arrive at Octavia’s house and find that Octavia and Vinyl are under some kind of sleeping spell. They manage to wake them up and Octavia explains that the last thing she remembered, was that Road Kill had whispered something to them.

Road Kill: I’ll never be Nyx. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be Nyx.

And now we get to the point that both pisses me off and kind of relieves me at the same time. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity all don’t want to be around Road Kill anymore saying that he is a danger magnet and that all he does is cause trouble

On the one hoof, I don’t want my main characters that I love spending time with this ass hole that is completely unlikable!

On the other hoof, this is really, REALLY out of character for this story! All they’ve been doing is saying how great and wonderful and awesome Road Kill is! And now, out of the fucking blue, with no build up whatsoever, they want to defriend him! Come fucking on! This isn’t dramatic! It’s lazy as shit! It’s only purpose in the story is to make the main characters look bad so you can make Soren look good! Dear lord, I hate this story!

But it’s almost over, just two chapters left.

Rainbow Dash snaps at them and goes on to tell them how great and wonderful Road Kill is. … Okay, I’ve changed my mind. I say the main characters leave him on his own. Maybe he’ll die quicker.

Rainbow Dash, Twilight and Luna head out to try and find him.

They arrive at the Castle of Two Sisters where they find Road Kill and the Nightmare Guardian. Rainbow Dash and Road Kill fight each other while Twilight and Luna… just sit and do nothing… Wow, princesses are fucking lazy…

Okay, Twilight isn’t a princess, yet. But she soon will be!

Meanwhile, Road Kill finds himself in a dark place where a mysterious stallion talks to him. Road Kill then is helped by this mysterious pony who turns out to be…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

I think that sums up my feelings about that one.

So, the Doctor helps  Road Kill get back to his own world and when Road Kill arrives home, he explains that he is going to isolate himself until he becomes stronger. Maybe if you had spent your time studying magic, instead of your musical talent, you wouldn’t have this problem!

And our story ends with a Soren saying goodbye to his friends.

Hopefully, they never see him again.

This story… isn’t all that bad…

…

…

Of course it isn’t! This story is stupid!

What a fucking joke of a story! This story is a huge mess of unresolved plot points, pointless powers, uninteresting villains, an unrealistic main character, a stupid premise, an unfocused plot, terrible writing, and just an overall bore fest!

Many plot points in this story remain unresolved. The Nightmare Guardians are never resolved. And guardians suggest multiple enemies and we barely see one of these! What about the Coyote Colt character?! What was his purpose?! What was the purpose of making him Octavia’s long lost brother?! What was the point of the Doctor’s appearance?! What was the point of the love interest between him and Luna?! Why did there have to be a whole story dealing with him singing since it doesn’t further anything?! What was the point of the possession plot?!

The pointless powers are way, WAY too many! Half the Mary-Sues I’ve read about would be telling you to cool it with your powers! Most of them are forgotten about after they are introduced anyway!

The villains in this story are so generic! They could have been replaced with any other villain, and you would have barely been able to tell the difference! There is nothing memorable or interesting about the villains! And for a story that spends all its time establishing them as a threat, you don’t really know anything about them!

The main character is so uninteresting!! He can do no wrong! He is never wrong! He has a magnificent singing voice! He always knows exactly what to do, even though it makes no sense how or why he came to that conclusion! He always knows how to help others beyond even the canon characters! He has an overly complicated backstory where he is everything under the sun and he’s just so boring! There is nothing interesting about him! He’s unrealistic and that’s not relatable! That’s the author’s personal fantasy fulfillment!

The premise of an OC alicorn with memory loss is doomed from the start. Admittedly, I’m not opposed to an OC character, even an alicorn. But the memory loss thing has been done to death, especially if it is revealed that he has some great destiny bullshit!

The plot in incredibly unfocused! One minute it will focus on the Nightmare Guardians, and then they’ll never be mentioned again to focus on seven chapters of his singing! Look, subplots are all well and good, but they should serve a purpose! They should either advance the story, or develop the characters! This story does neither! The subplots are all over the place, ranging from the Coyote Colt thing to the Contest for Octavia. The only subplot that, I guess, would be considered okay, would be the finding his parents, but even then, the story finds a way to mess that up!

This story is just so boring! It takes forever to get anywhere! There characters aren’t strong enough to keep your interest to make you want to keep reading! And the twist every chapter, just make the twists boring as hell! Every chapter is a struggle to get through and it’s not made any better by an incredibly unlikable character!

The only, ONLY, interesting subplot I thought could have worked, was the loss of the cutie mark. If the story had focused on that and made it about Soren coping with his loss, it would have had a chance. But when you add in the Elemental Guardian and the Nightmare Guardians, and the orphan thing, it’s just an unfocused, uninteresting mess.

And here’s to hoping I never have to read another story about this character again. Jeez, that was a long one, but at least it’s finally…

(Previews for Soren The Alicorn Part 2: The Effects Of War):

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Apple's Blossom

The basement staircase had finally been installed. It had been several weeks since he even thought about it. Even longer since he discovered he even had one. He looked up to the ceiling. “Computer, any luck on finding out what this basement is for?”

“I have scanned all available blueprints for the building, sir. There is no information on this basement even existing,” her voice resonated all around him.

He put his hoof on his chin. “Maybe, there something hidden in the walls or something.” He put his hoof on the wall, stroking it. His mouth widened with a smile. “Maybe some buried treasure! Think of how rich I could be?!”

“I doubt it is treasure, sir. I doubt it is anything,” Computer replied. “I have scanned these walls several times. There is nothing inside them.”

His smile vanished from his face, leaving his normal scowling, pouting face. “Way to ruin my dreams, Computer.” He took his hoof off the wall, but kept staring at it.

Why the hell would anyone make a basement for this place and not tell anyone?! And what is the point?! It’s not hiding anything! He shook his head and made his way up the stairs, not even giving the new basement a second thought.

Approaching his usual spot, Computer spoke. “Another bad review, sir.”

He slammed his head against the ground. “No, Computer. I just did two weeks of Soren the Alicorn. I think I deserve a little break.”

“How about you go back to your first review?”

He raised his eyebrow and looked up to the ceiling. “You mean, Tales of the Sun, Moon and Stars?”

“No, there is one even before that one. Long before that one.”

Thinking back to all the stories he reviewed, he thought of one story. A story he had review, but never given justice to. It was time to go back more than a year ago. A time when he was just starting out his reviewing. “Pull it up!” he finally said.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

When I first joined this website, I found myself wide eyed and full of wonder. The vast stories that authors could write and the stories they had to tell filled my imagination. Oh, what brave new world that has such magnificent artists in it?!

Yeah, I don’t really feel that way anymore.

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Okay, let me finish. Now, there are good writers on this website. There are. And there are many good stories on the website. The problem is that the bad often outweighs the good and so it’s difficult for young readers to find stories with quality. Even high rated stories can be bad. I’ll be getting more into overrated stories or stories that don’t deserve the high marks they receive another day.

However, the story I am going to review today is kind of a diamond in the rough. It’s certainly not as popular as it probably should be. Though it does have a good number of likes, so hey, points there.

Like Computer said, more than a year ago, I reviewed this story, but really it was half a paragraph long and I really didn’t go into detail with it. Granted, a review doesn’t have to be a million words long, I’m just saying that I thought I could have done better on my review and I think this story deserves that.

Basically, I stated that this story was my favorite on the website. Considering all the crap I’ve read recently, I know that’s not saying much. However, I do remember praising it quite a bit, but after a year of writing, reading and reviewing, does it still hold up?

Well, let’s jump into Apple’s Blossom by English Witch and find out.

Beware of Spoilers, people. If you haven’t read this story yet… What are you doing here?! Go read it! It’s better than the shit I read on a weekly basis!

We start our story, with… actually, what is a pretty good introduction. It catches your attention…

Applejack covered her eyes; she couldn’t watch.

That’s actually a good way to grab your audience’s attention. First sentence and I already want to know what is going on. After dealing with “The sky was blue over Ponyville” for the past several weeks, this is a welcome change.

Apple Bloom had been attempting to help Applejack repaint the barn, but she ends up crashing into a pile of wood.

Hmm… not bad, but she needs to be covered in tree sap to make it complete.

:applejackconfused: But that wouldn’t make any sense…

I DEMAND TREE SAP!

She wakes up in bed and starts to recall what happened to her.

Apple Bloom feels like she wants to do more around the farm, but Applejack believes that she still too young to do some of the more difficult tasks and the ones that she does are enough for right now. Naturally, in keeping with Apple Bloom’s impatience…

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Applejack considers the position she’s in and believes that if Apple Bloom wants to take on more responsibility than maybe Applejack should let her.

:applejackunsure: Apple Bloom, are you sure you want to do this?

That Manicore’s been causing trouble for too long now! And I’m gonna slay it!

So, Applejack asks Apple Bloom to deal with some fungi and asks her to go gets some chemicals in the barn.

We then cut to… her waking up in the bed? … Huh?

As I read on, I just realized something. That last scene was supposed to be a flashback leading up to her ending up in the pile of wood. Now, normally this wouldn’t bother me. But the transition to the flashback is the same as the transition to the next scene. For a moment, I thought this was following a linear path. There is no indication to where the flashback began. Okay, maybe Apple Bloom remembered could have lead into it, but seemed a little confusing to me.

It turns out that the chemicals that Applejack had sent her to get was on the top shelf and was far too high for Apple Bloom to get. Naturally, she stands on an object that doesn’t quite get her the height she needs, and the story pretty much told us the result.

Applejack comes to check on her sister to make sure she is alright. Apple Bloom apologizes and asks Applejack to give her another chance.

:ajsmug: Alright, Sugar Cube. I want you to go to that house and get me something from the top floor.

:applecry: … I don’t want to be responsible anymore…

No, actually, Applejack is hesitant about the whole thing and thinks that they should wait a few months before Apple Bloom tries again.

Apple Bloom, of course, protests, but nothing sways Applejack. It’s only when Applejack shows how afraid she is of seeing Apple Bloom hurt that Apple Bloom gives in.

Now, this is a very good, very emotional moment. Applejack doesn’t directly say that she is afraid for her; she plays it tougher than that. But it’s played as Apple Bloom sees the fear in her sister’s eyes. That’s a great moment. In any other story, it would have just told us that Applejack is scared. But this story shows us that Applejack is scared. That’s a nice touch.

After a quick bath, Apple Bloom and Applejack head into the market to sell some apples. No doubt for Apple Bloom to work on her sales pitch.

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What? That’s how I would have done it.

BUY SOME APPLES, FUCKER!

Apple Bloom wonders off wondering what to do when she is greeted by Twist. Twist? Twist? Who the fuck is Twist? Is it an OC?! I’m a kill it! I’ve got my shotgun ready!

Sir, she is a canon character. Here is her image.

Bull shit! I’ve never seen her!

Sir, she has been in several episodes

Bull! I know all about obscure characters! Time Turner, Bon Bon, Lyra, Dr. Horse, Gizmo and Sombra, but I’ve never heard of fucking Twist! That means she’s not real!

Don’t give me that look, kid! I’m on to you!

Anyway, Twist offers Apple Bloom some of her peppermint sticks and that seems to cheer Apple Bloom up a little.

As Twist invites her into her home, Apple Bloom knocks over some flower pots.

Geez, I knew the Cutie Mark Crusaders were accident prone, but this is borderline Goofy territory… Not necessarily a bad thing either.

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Ha, ha, ha. It’s the little things in life I appreciate the most.

Anyway, back to the story. Apple Bloom spots a little sapling in the mitts of the chaos and asks Twist’s mother, Rose, if she can raise it for her.

Rose is at first hesitant, but knowing that she helps her sister and brother maintain the apple farm, she allows Apple Bloom to raise the tree on her own. Apple Bloom heads home and asks Twist to take rain check on hanging on.

Twist sighed and nodded. “Okay. You go. We can hang out later.”

Why do I hear Joe Harnell’s ‘Lonely Man’ playing in the background? … Don’t know what that is? Look it up, you have a Google!

She calls the tree Sherman after a tree that was the biggest and strongest tree in the world.

Oh, my god! Even the trees are becoming Mary-Sues! It’s Soren all over again! Everypony run for your lives!

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Apple Bloom takes Soren… I mean, Sherman back by her tree house so that it can grow in secret. She does this so that she can grow it on her own without help from her big sister or brother.

She would put her hoof down one some things though, she would be the one to feed and water Sherman, she had to do this all by herself to show Applejack she could work the fame.

I didn’t know growing a tree could make you famous. Also, is she only putting one hoof down? What about the other three?

Anyway, Apple Bloom starts to care for the sapling and thinks that in the span of a few weeks it will be big enough and strong enough to produce fruit.

Really? A few weeks? That’s a load of crap! There is no way Equestrian soil is that…

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… Okay, I’ll buy it.

So, three weeks pass and Apple Bloom starts to see some progress in Sherman. However, the other crusaders get bored with watching the tree’s progress. So, they decided to go bullfighting. I would make a Manticore-slaying joke, but they explain that the bull is willing to teach the girls how to wrestle. Plus, I already did that in this review…

So… After double checking everything and making sure the tree will be okay while she’s gone, Apple Bloom finally joins her friends.

A few more weeks pass and Applejack starts to notice something going on with her sister’s behavior. When she ask her about it, Apple Bloom lies and explains that she is just doing a special project her with Crusader friends, and that it is a surprise.

Apple Bloom returns to the tree, but is shocked in horror to find that the tree before her isn’t an apple tree, but a cherry one!

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I knew it! I knew that tree was a Mary Sue! Burn it down!

Apple Bloom starts to worry about what would happen if her family found out that she was raising a cherry tree. After all, she’s a member of the Apple family. They raise apples. So, what would the Apple family’s response be?

Jesus! That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?!

Fortunately, this is not Sweet Apple Massacre. (Yes, I’ll be getting to that one someday.) Apple Bloom returns home and finds Applejack. Apple Bloom apologizes to her sister and hugs her, begging her not to send her away.

Applejack doesn’t understand what is going on right away, but Apple Bloom explains everything. She shows Applejack the tree and explains that she couldn’t tell the difference between and Apple Tree and a Cherry tree and that is the reason why she should be banished.

Fortunately, the story is more mature than that. Applejack comforts Apple Bloom and explains that it wouldn’t matter if she raised a peach tree or a bush of poison ivy, Applejack would still love her and she would always have a place in her home.  She also explains how proud she is of how the tree turned out, saying that it is as healthy as any of the trees she and Big Mac take care of.

And our story ends with the classic letter to Celestia, stating that no mistake is big enough that a loving family won’t be there to support you through, stating that family is just the first group of friends you have.

An adorable story and a wonderful ending. This story is a great one.

There are a few typos throughout the story, I admit, but honestly, a little run through with the author or another proofreader would have cleared those right up.

The story is where it is the strongest and the characters are right up there. Apple Bloom is just as adorable here as she is in the show. And the set up for the story makes a lot of sense. Apple Bloom lives in a world where ponies work hard all the time. It is natural for her to want to take on more responsibility and to work hard like her siblings.

Applejack is portrayed beautifully. She is a strong mare, who deeply cares about her family. She is constantly looking out for the best interests of her siblings and for her family. She’s never mean spirited or show offish. And this story shows that well.

And that is what I love most about the story. The relationship between Applejack and Apple Bloom. Their sisterly relationship is what I enjoy in the show, and in this story, that treatment is enjoyable. It shows how supportive they are of one another and shows how they deeply care about each other. Even Apple Bloom’s doubting her family loved her was done well. It showed the fear that Apple Bloom had, making us cheer even louder when Applejack comforts her.

As much as I enjoy reading about more adult things, it is nice when I get to read a story like this. A story that could fit into the show perfectly. A story that realizes what the show is about and embraces it. It’s always nice to see a story that appreciates the show for what it is, rather than what it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love the creativity of crossovers or more mature stories, but reading a story like this reminds me of why I loved the show in the first place.

Is it perfect? No. Is it as good as I thought it was? No. But in some ways, that makes me enjoy it even more. I enjoy seeing young writers progress and get better with every story. And this story makes me want to read more from this author, and if you can do that, you must be doing something right. If you haven’t read it yet, go ahead and check it out. You won’t regret it.

As for me, next week… I look at the bottom of the crap bucket again with If You Build It … Have a good day guys.

If You Build It

”If you write it, he will come.”

Those were the words that haunted the Danish pony that lied in his bed. They tormented him repeating in mind over and over, like a record that had been on repeat.

”If you write it, he will come.”

If I write what? he asked himself. Apple Loosa leaned forward glancing out the window. He stared up at the moonlight. He continued to ponder what the voice would mean. It had been speaking to him for a week now. Am I seriously going mad? he thought.

He looked up to the sky as if some unforeseen force pulled his head in that direction. The moon shined brightly in his eyes and a brief image appeared before him. Words appeared on the moon like a message. He read them quickly, realizing they were a story being told to him. Thousands of words flashing into his brain like he was reading a novel at a hundred miles an hour.

Maybe this is what I’m supposed to write. He made his way to the cabinet, opening a small drawer. He pulled small sheets of paper from it and laid them against his desk. The clumsy noise of the drawer as he pushed it closed woke his slumbering wife.

She gave a sigh of discomfort and turned towards the small lamp that was emanating light. “Honey, what are you doing?”

Apple smiled as he turned towards his wife. “I think I figured it out.”

She shook her head. “Figured what out?” her raspy voice asked.

Apple turned back to back to the table. “I think I figured out what ‘if you write it, he will come’ means.” He picked up a small pen and started to jot down what he remembered from the sign in the moon. “I think it means I have to write this story.”

The wife gave a huff. “At this hour?”

Apple nodded, but remained over his sheet of paper. “I have to write it while I still remember it.” And with that, Apple continued to write his story, all the while wondering who exactly ‘he’ is.

***

Two Years Later…

The story had been finished for months now. He had written it and nopony had come. They had read it, yes. But nothing had come from it. There were no reviews, no answers, no questions, no remarks, nothing. Just an empty promise from a voice that he could no longer hear.

Instead, all he received was a face. Face with an intense glare on it. A glare that pierced through his glasses. The messy black hair atop his head and his ugly green coat. And of course, the purple scarf around his neck. How could he forget that purple scarf? It was so detailed and looked like it had been hoof knitted. Possibly from a relative.

Apple assaulted his brain for answers about this pony, but he didn’t recognize him. And nopony around seemed to care about him. For one reason or another. He couldn’t even get so much of a name.

Apple often wondered if he really was crazy. They had spent so much money on publishing the book and making sure that ponies could read it. And yet, nothing. They were behind on their bills that they were struggling. They were struggling before, but never as bad as they were. If things kept going the way they were, they would surely lose their farm.

He had spent so much of his time dedicated to his writing of his book, that he had neglected the Apple Farm. The farm that had been in his family since the first days of Ponyville. And in a few days, he was going to lose everything it seemed. His daughter and wife had worked hard to cover his slack, but they were only two ponies. Two ponies plus hundreds of apple trees doesn’t add up. At least, that is what his ancestor, Big MacIntosh, always used to say.

The more time that passed on, the more right that saying seemed to be.

He sat in his chair, looking at the cover of his book. Suddenly, the voice of his daughter caught his ear. “Daddy! Come here!”

He rushed over to where his daughter sat. She gave him a smile and pointed to the computer screen in front of her. “Look, daddy! A pony is talking about your book.”

As he looked upon the computer screen, he saw him. The pony with the glasses, the messy black hair and of course, the purple scarf. The pony looked into the camera and gave a smile. “Hello, everypony. I am the Critique”.

***

Remember Field of Dreams?

You know, that movie where the guy builds a field on his farm and these Baseball stars come to life to play on it. Yeah, it’s as weird as it sounds, but there is something to be enjoyed about it. It’s a good movie, even by today’s standards. It’s got some heartfelt moments, some good acting, and some endearing characters.

And it’s no wonder people keep repeating lines from this movie, such as…

BUCK WEAVER

          Come on, asshole, pitch!

My favorite line in the movie. So, it only makes since that a story would be written based on this movie. And you know what we get? … That’s right! A giant pile of shit that has nothing to do with the movie it’s based on.

I’m serious; this story doesn’t connect with anything of the original movie. Instead, it deals with gore and sex. That is so far from what the original movie was trying to do that it is out in left field!

I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. So, what makes this pile of shit that bad? Well, let’s take a look at If you Build It by Apple Loosa

Our story starts with Applejack in the middle of the snowy fields of Sweet Apple Acres. As she wanders into the field, she starts to hear a voice speak to her.

Ah, so this is how Sweet Apple Massacre got started.

Actually, it tells her that “If she builds it, they will come”. Applejack thinks she is going crazy and talks to Granny Smith and Big MacIntosh about it.

"I heard that Voice by an invisible thing who said that he will come." the farmer mare told Twilight.

One, how do you know it is an invisible anything? It could be a voice inside your head indicating you are crazy.

Two, what is the point of Twilight being there, since in this scene, she serves absolutely no purpose. Hell, she doesn’t even get a line of dialogue in this scene. Was it really necessary to mention that Twilight was a part of this scene? Was it to remind us that Twilight is a part of the My Little Pony universe? Unless we’ve been living under a rock for several years, we kind of already know that!

Big MacIntosh explains that he heard the voice once.

:eeyup: It told me to rape and murder the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

:ajbemused: Is this why Apple Bloom hasn’t been seen in a while, Big Mac?!

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I know, I know, I’m dwelling on Sweet Apple Massacre. But the setup is so perfect.

Anyway, Big MacIntosh tells them that the voice had once saved the Apple Farm from bankruptcy years ago. Now, do we actually get to see this happening or it being explained to us? Well, I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

Then Big Mac told for a while about how Sweet Apple Acres got their first Apple Family Reunion. The reunion saved Sweet Apple Acres from the bankrupt.

And… that’s it. That’s all we ever see of that scene. Making this… say it with me kids…

Be on the lookout for more of those. I have a feeling that there is going to be a storm of pointlessness coming our way.

So a few months pass and Applejack explains to one of her family members about the voice she is hearing, during the Apple Family Reunion.

"Granny Smith and Big Mac did not like the idea of moving to the country from Manehattan, but then they found Sweet Apple Acres." the earth pony told Applejack.

Ah, yes, I remember that. Even though, it was Granny Smith’s family that helped found Ponyville when she was a little filly, there was no way that Big MacIntosh could have been born, they were traveling pilgrims and were asked by Princess Celestia to settle the land to grow food.

Research? Pfft, I scoff at the idea!

After butchering the origin of Ponyville, Applejack wonders about inviting Pinkie Pie over to the reunion since she is the best at parties. And according to everyone spoiling season 4 for me, Pinkie Pie and Applejack are related. Please, let that just be a misinterpretation, please.

"Maybe I should had invited Pinkie Pie to the reunion we had today, as she is the best at parties so the barn still stood." Applejack told herself.

… Wait, huh? “So the barn still stood?” What the hell does that mean? Does this take place during the Apple Family Reunion episode?! Or is tearing down other pony’s barn just part of the Apple Family tradition? It wouldn’t surprise me. It is a pretty catchy song.

After the reunion, (which is completely glimpsed over, so why the hell did it even need to be there?!) Applejack starts thinking about a story that Twilight read about ponies moving around the area after the bison war. … Is she talking about the war at Appaloosa? Because that wasn’t long ago. That was actually really recent.

Or is this a different war that they are talking about? Because I’d really love to hear about that story, rather than this one.

Also, the Apple family were traveling pilgrims! Not war victims! God, this story is stupid! And I’m not even halfway through Chapter 1!

Applejack then starts thinking about the prophesy that brought her and her friends together. Apparently, there is a prophesy concerning them. Okay, Nightmare Moon is a part of that, but this story mentions the other villains instead.

Princess Celestia had saved Equestria from banishing both Discord and King Somber.

Ha! Stupid Sombra! You’re so forgettable that the author can’t even get your name right!

Oh, please, I ain’t scared of you! You’re about as scary as Galactus from the Fantastic Four movie!

Suddenly, Twilight appears in Applejack’s room. Oh, Jesus, here we go.

"Hey Twilight nice to see you." Applejack said to Twilight and smiled.

"Hi, I just needed a rest as I'm new around here." the unicorn told Applejack.

Oh, good, we get shitty ass dialogue that looks like it was written by a 4 year old. Way to make the characters sound natural, writer.

Also, “new around here”? Twilight’s been around the Apple Farm hundreds of times! What does she have amnesia or something?! Or is this referring back to the first time Twilight and Applejack met?! Because I don’t remember that scene at all!

Oh and I wish I was kidding on my comment earlier. For some reason, that is not built up or explained… at all, Twilight and Applejack have sex together.

Jesus fucking Christ, people, if you are going to do this in your story, have it at least make a little bit of sense! This has no build up to it! No set up! Not even a freaking word of dialogue that would even remotely suggest that they have feelings for one another! Fuck, the last scene, the LAST SCENE WE FUCKING SAW WAS OF NIGHTMARE MOON’S DEFEAT! And that transitions into a sex scene?! Again, no build up whatsoever, it just comes the fuck out of nowhere!

Holy fucking shit, people!

And then we cut to… um… Spike and Rarity having sex… Good god… This whole story is going to be like this isn’t it?

It’s not even done very well. It mentions balloon strings and hot dogs instead of, you know, saying what is actually going on. You can say vagina. It’s okay. You can say dick. It’s okay. You’ve got your mature rating on there with the sex tag, you are allowed to say them. Don’t dance around saying shit that has nothing to do with it, claiming that is making you ‘artsy’. Just say the fucking anatomy!

And, again, no set  up! No build up whatsoever to the sex! Granted, the show suggests they have more a relationship than Applejack and Twilight, but my god, this was the opening line before it.

"Me and Twilight had been raised in Canterlot together." Spike told Rarity.

I guess thinking of Canterlot really turns Rarity on.

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… Wow, learn something new every day.

At the end of Chapter 1, we get an author’s note.

Our headcanons about the two sister's old Everfree Castle were right as seen in the S4 opening

Oh, good to know. I’m sure that will play very well into this story. By the way, where did the other bullshit head canon you pulled out of your ass come from?

Huh, just answered my own question.

Our next chapter begins with Aunt Applesauce’s birthday and her birthday present is… a threesome with Applejack and Rarity…

This… is going to get very boring… very, very fast…

And for those of you who are wondering why Rarity is cheating on Spike, here is the dumbass explanation we get…

"But such a shame Spike is not here, as he is on the dragon migration." Twilight said to the crowd.

Yes, Spike is apparently on dragon migration, which makes no fucking sense because he doesn’t want to be a dragon! He wants to be a pony, since dragons are assholes!

Second, yes, there is a crowd watching them all do it! What the fuck is wrong with this author?! Chapter fucking 2 and already I question the author’s sanity!

So, after that so important chapter, we find that, a thousand years ago, Discord was defeated by Luna and Celestia. And that decades later, Blueblood was driven insane by Discord. I’m not sure the author knows how long a decade is.

Anyway, Blueblood is thrown into prison, for reasons that are never explain and Discord appears and threatens Princess Celestia not to tell everypony he has returned.

I think she’ll have a hard time making excuses for you, when we have cotton candy clouds, chocolate rain, and soap roads. I think that maybe, FUCKING MAYBE, somepony is going to notice! I really hate this story right now! And that probably won’t change the further we go!

And then, we cut to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who start hearing about a group of devil worshipers and this is the point where I really have to rant about the story here.

WHAT IS THIS FUCKING STORY ABOUT?! IS IT ABOUT DISCORD, THE DEVIL WORSHIPERS, THE SEX?! WHAT THE HELL IS THE FOCUS?! WE ARE 4 CHAPTERS IN, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT AND WHAT I’M NOT! JESUS, THIS MAKES MYKAN’S STORY LOOK COMPLTELY FLAWLESS BY COMPARRISON!

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! I JUST GAVE MYKAN A COMPLIMENT THAT HE DOESN’T DESERVE, THAT’S HOW FUCKED UP THIS STORY IS!

So, anyway, want some more pointlessness thrown in there, Celestia and Luna fly over Foggy Bottom Bog… and … that’s it… There is nothing they do there. Nothing of any relevance whatsoever. They just…

The princess flew over Froggy Bottom Bog that sunny summer morning.

Next chapter…

And for those of you who were missing the ponies randomly banging one another, GET OUT OF HERE!

For the rest of you, Pinkie Pie starts inflating Rarity’s balloon. No, seriously that is how it is written. Good god, this isn’t a story! This is just random shit flying at the audience! This story wasn’t meant for pony eyes!

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Or apparently, fish eyes.

Oh, and to top it off, Pinkie Pie does this… while Rarity is unconscious. I’m not sure that the author realizes that rape is going on here, based on the intelligence that this story is producing, its likely he knows, but doesn’t give a shit.

Classy.

Twilight ends up in Saddle Arabia 1982, for some reason. I know she has a time travel spell, but why the hell would she go back to that specific date? I don’t know. Screw this story!

She goes to the shop and purchases one of the books the shop owner possesses. This book is pretty pointless, so this scene is also pointless. If I cut apart all the pointless scenes in this story, it would make for a really short story. There’d be nothing left.

At the start of our next chapter, we get this little bit…

Build upon the Poltergeist movie.

Oh, good. Another movie you can completely butcher. Lord knows you haven’t followed anything about the Field of Dreams movie, why follow this one all of a sudden?

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie start telling the story of the Poltergeist, which is really stupid and bears no significance to the plot, making it completely pointless. And if you haven’t seen the Poltergeist it is most likely you are lost, as it is not explained very well.

So, bottom line, not only was this part completely pointless and a waste of time, but it alienated your audience who haven’t seen the movie! Not a really good move for telling a story! Well, I say telling a story, but frankly, I’m still waiting for a story to be told!

"You are scaring both Applejack and Fluttershy, and this is just some filly stories." Twilight told her two friends.

Okay, Fluttershy I get, but Applejack? Really? Why Applejack? Why would Applejack be scared? I know in the Castle-Mania episode she was frightened, but so was everypony else for that matter?! And in the second episode of the series, Applejack was the one who got mad at Rainbow Dash for frightening the others!

My god, it’s like the author has never even heard of the series and just did a random search on Wikipedia to find characters and places and events without actually watching the show.

Twilight explains that the ghosts are the reason why Nightmare Night is celebrated in the fall.

If you guys are having a hard time keeping up, trust me, it’s not your fault. This story is a hobbled mess of scenes that don’t connect to each other, at all. I’ll try to keep you guys informed of what, I think, is going on, but if you can’t follow along, know that it is the author’s fault, not yours. This story is confusing as fuck.

Based upon E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

And now it has turned into a list of all the movies the author has seen… they are all completely pointless.

This chapter has nothing of value to it, so I’m just going to skip it.

So, Fancy Pants meets the others in Canterlot where Rainbow Dash and he start having sex, even though they have no interaction that would suggest feelings for one another. Does the author think that sex is just something that people do? Like going to the restroom or sleeping? That it is just something people can do on a whim?

Yeah, that’s not how it works. Well, unless you’re a prostitute, but… Oh, god! I just figured it out! That’s what all of this is! He thinks that the main six are prostitutes! Even though there has been no evidence of such a thing in any scene in this story!

How could I have not noticed it before?! This story’s author is… a horny asshole!

…

…

…

What? So I’m a little slow, okay?

Also, the story talks about Fancy rubbing Rainbow Dash’s balloon.

What is with the fucking balloons?! What do you have a balloon fetish or something?!

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His masturbation song. … See if you can get that image out of your head.

Next chapter… Is completely pointless. Again, I’ll skip it for you guys.

At Twilight’s birthday party, Prince Blueblood, who is somehow out of prison now, comes up to Rarity and apologizes for being such an asshole to her.

Okay, that’s not something I expected from this story. Am I reading the same story as before?

He invites Rarity to ride on his airship with him, because everypony has a fucking airship. I have an airship. It’s parked right outside, next to my giant fighting robot and award from Princess Celestia for being me. No reason she gave it to me, she just did.

He doesn’t really have any of those things.

Well, maybe I should!

After the airship ride, which passes by so fast, you’d think the story was on an airship, Rarity starts to hear voices.

“If you build it, they will come.”

No, we only wish it would get back to that story.

She hears the tale of how a town now has ghosts and spirits in it. It is utterly pointless.

We then cut to the Flim Flam brothers… Okay… who go into a haunted house and disappear off the face of Equestria. Never to be seen again.

You mean? You mean the Flim Flam brothers are dead? And I’ll never listen to their Super Cider Squeezy 6000 song again?

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Yes! This story finally did something right! Finally, after all this time! This story did one thing right! For all the pointless scenes, which now that I think about it this one is also pointless, but at least it is entertaining! Even mildly!

Even for all the sex and all the scenes that go absolutely nowhere! This one scene brings my dreams into reality with the death of the Flim Flam brothers and there damn catching as fuck song! Never again will I be plagued by their catchy con-artist song and robbed of my money by ponies like them! Hallelujah… Hallelujah, indeed.

… Aw, fuck, there’s more story…

So, Rarity ends up in a mysterious town, where she meets up with Iron Will. Iron Will explains that he is there investigating the house and here’s the point where I really can’t ignore the writing anymore.

Take a look at the writing for a second…

Rarity looked in her photo album one day after she and her friends had returned from welcoming the game inspector, who were in the Crystal Empire.

"So you are that entity, who once had been taken away by your mother in this room." Rarity told the invisble entity.

But nopony were around in the halfd dark kitchen. The stallion noticed that a book had fallen down without touching it. Suddenly had a kitchen knife fallen down in front of Rarity's father. Rarity's mother had noticed a symbol Rarity had drawn one day. Twilight found a book in library for her about that symbol.

The writing is absolutely putrid! This author clearly doesn’t know the first thing about writing! The dialogue is horrible and the writing itself is confusing as fuck. I don’t know what the hell is going on! It’s like if he ate alphabet soup and wrote a story based on whatever came out of his ass!

Yeah, it’s that bad! I’m not even showing you half of the horrid writing that was put into this!

Okay, so Iron Will goes outside to investigate something when he is suddenly killed by the villagers of the town.

Huh… That wasn’t cool. I liked Iron Will. He was kind of entertaining… I mean, granted he didn’t have a line of dialogue in this story, but …

No, I’ve got nothing, he was pretty pointless. Just every fucking character in this story!

Iron Will is not happy to be cut from this story!

Trust me, I. W. when I’m done with it, you’ll thank god that you were.

We then see a chapter about Trixie…

And she yells at her brother for breaking balloons… And … that’s it…

What the fuck was that about?

Author’s Note: To celebrate the return of Trixie the great and powerful.

… Look… I don’t have a problem with you celebrating the return of a character… But… if you are going to do so, don’t just throw them into a story for no fucking reason other than to mention that the character exists. Actually give them a purpose in your story. Actually give them something to further the plot or characters… if not, KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR FUCKING STORY, YOU TWIT!

The next chapter is pretty much a repeat of the last chapters concerning the Flim-Flam brothers and Iron Will, just with Trixie instead.

I wonder if this thing is just kill all the antagonist characters from the show to make the perfect Equestria. Now, that would be a story worth reading, but I very much doubt the author is that clever.

So we then cut to Donut Joe… There’s an obscure character… Donut goes to a haunted café, where Luna and Zecora are trying to dispel an evil spirit.

The Canterlot guards had been send out to find both the ghost and the principal, who did the killing but without luck. Both Zecora and Luna tried to remove the ghost from the house, but without luck.

The author tried to make this story enjoyable and frightening for his audience, but without luck.

"I failed to remove a dangerous entity from an old cafe today, but the evil thing chased me away." Luna had written.

Wait, so she failed in removing it, but when the evil spirit chased her, that somehow made it go away? … Sure, I’ll buy it. Anything to make this story end quicker.

We then cut to Apple Bloom… having her balloon… inflated… by a stallion?!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

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***

”Ease his pain”

Those words echoed into Apple’s ears as he watched the earth pony on the screen thrown his tantrum. The Critique, as he called himself, slammed his head against the book cover several times, tossed several books off the shelves scattering them around the room, screamed every profanity that he had ever heard of and several he wasn’t familiar with.

Apple watched in horror, his mouth hung open as the Critique rammed head first into a wall before curling up into a ball, grasping his tail and gently rubbing.

“Who’s a pretty pony?” the Critique cried. “Who’s a pretty pony?”

”Ease his pain”

What am I supposed to do to ease his pain? Apple thought. He hates this story. He hates everything I wrote. I just wrote what you told me to! Why tell me to write something he hates?!

Apple sat at the computer screen, wondering what move to make. Finally, without realizing what he was doing, he typed on his keyboard. A small message appeared in the comments below, his message. ”Keep going” it said.

The Critique poked his head up like something had caught his attention. He hobbled his way back to the camera and put himself in his usual spot. He looked up to the ceiling and his mouth moved, as if he was speaking, but there was no sound.

Apple wondered if he was speaking to Computer. As he sat, he wondered how such an advance piece of technology could end up in the Critique’s hooves. Moments passed and finally, the Critique turned to the camera and spoke, this time his voice was heard loud and clear.

“Let’s continue.”

***

So, after that, oh so important scene, the Crusaders decide it is time for them to build a bigger clubhouse. So, is this what it means by “If you build it, they will come”. Because at this point, I’m begging for it to be a competent story teller.

So, they decide to go to the woods to find a treehouse and end up finding a haunted house. Where they go in, and then they come right back out after exploring some of the rooms.

I would say that I am shortening the story a bit, but really that’s just how it is written.

The next chapter is just the author’s hormones kicking in. So, I’ll just skip it.

Hey, guys! I just figured out why the writing is so bad! He’s only writing with one hoof if you know what I mean!

And then, we have a chapter celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day… It is … you all know what I’m going to say don’t pretend like you don’t.

I was going to say pointless, but you guys really aren’t that far off.

We then cut to Lyra who is investigating the murders of the Flim Flam Brothers, Iron Will and Trixie. Thank god, somepony is showing some initiative. So, she takes a train to the town where they were murdered. Wasn’t Rarity supposed to be in the area?

Consistancy?! What the hell is that?!

We then cut to … ugh… Bon Bon. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Bon Bon, but why the fuck is she here?! We are halfway through the story and there is absolutely no consistency! No focus! And no direction for this story!

I’m not even sure I know what the fuck is going on anymore! All that I know is some creepy stuff is happening around random towns, that really have no connection to one another, no explanations and no point!

My god, even Soren the Alicorn… SOREN THE FUCKING ALICORN had more focus than this!

THE STORY THAT WASTED MY TIME WITH ITS CONFUSING ASS SUBPLOTS HAD MORE OF A STORY!

Jesus…

So… yeah, I’m skipping this next chapter…

Rarity and Applejack… balloons… next  chapter…

God, this is getting monotonous. I’m finishing this story off as quickly as possible.

And the rest of the story is pretty much what you would expect it to be. Random Ghost Scenes that pointlessly kill off your favorite characters with no rhyme or reason include Winona, Applejack’s pet dog, Granny Smith, Big MacIntosh and others.

Sex Scenes Including, TwilightXPinkie Pie, The main six doing a six-some, PipsqueakXZecora, Sweetie BelleXsome random pony, the Cutie Mark Crusader three-some, Lemon HeartsXMs. Cake ApplejackXRarity, and TwilightXHer future cyborg self… Don’t ask…

And then the story just ends. There is nothing explained and nothing that finishes it up. It’s like the story knew that nopony was reading this and decided that it just needed to quietly die off. And frankly, THAT’s BETTER THAN IT DESERVES!

Do I even have to explain what is wrong with this story?! Not really, it’s pretty fucking obvious! The story has no focus, no purpose, and is overall just a waste of time. That’s all it was built for people to waste your time. At the end, I skipped over 20 chapters of padding. That is how bad it is. This author didn’t care about the story and frankly, that’s the worst sin any writer can commit.

You can’t just halfass something like this. Writing isn’t just something I do. It is a passion. Something I very deeply, strongly passionate about and when I see stories like THIS, that think that you can just write in a lot of sex and gore and ‘edgy’ shit without putting any thought into them and somehow make it good, just makes me sick to my stomach.

Frankly, I hope the author is reading this review right now. Because, I … as a writer… am offended. I am offended that people are reading your story, when so many other, better stories are ignored. How dare you take away from those people who actually try! How dare you!

I see so many writers get ignored because of the enormous piles of crap that we have to dig through to find the good stories. And this… THIS is just offensive. Not because of the pointless sex and violence, but because it is pointless itself.

The author wrote this to take away from the rest of us. Those of us who struggle, fight and beg for views and reviews. He stole from you. He stole your time that you could be doing reading something so much better. With actual effort put into it. Maybe it would be good, maybe it would be bad.

But at the very least, you would be reading something that somepony wrote and that pony would look you in the eye and say, “I at least gave a damn about what I wrote.” And that pony will hold their head up high, while the author of this story should only look at their story in shame. Utter fucking shame.

This was one of the hardest stories I’ve ever had to review. Period. And seeing the list of stories I’ve had to review, that is saying a lot! I don’t know what possessed the author to write this story, but whatever it is, it clearly needs an exorcist.

Have a good day guys.

***

Apple sat looking at the screen as the video ended before his eyes. He couldn’t believe what his ears had just heard. Everything the Critique said. He wanted to be angry. Wanted to be pissed off that he would dare call his story what he called it.

I only wrote what the sky told me to write. How was I supposed to know it was crap?

He turned away from his computer screen and placed his hooves on his forehead. He wondered about what the point of him writing the story was. If there even was a point. The answer came from the computer screen.

“Apple.” He turned to his computer screen to see the green stallion staring straight at him. “Ponies will come, Apple.”

“They’ll come to the bookstore, for reasons they can’t even fathom. They will walk to the library, not really sure why they are doing it. They will arrive at the section where your book lies, as innocent as fillies, longing for the past. ‘Of course, you can purchase my book’ you will say. ‘It’s only 20 dollars per book.’ And they will pass over the money without even thinking about it. For its money they have and hate they love.”

Apple raised his eyebrow. Could the Critique know that he was watching? He remained silent as the Critique continued his speech.

“They will open the book. A little light reading on a perfect afternoon. They will find an atrocious mess of a story within its pages. It will cheer them up inside. Reminding them that… their stories aren’t so bad. They will frantically read this story, laughing at it and making fun of it. Sharing jokes with one another.

Apple wasn’t sure what to say. All the Critique said sounded magnificent, but as he listened to the words closely, he started to wonder if the Critique was still making fun of him or really trying to help.

“Ponies will come, Apple. The one constant through all the years, Apple, is storytelling. The world is ruled by storytelling. Whether it is stories about work, family, the future, the past, or the grand adventure of a lifetime. It has been butchered a hundred times by the world, rebuilt, and butchered hundred times more and rebuilt again. And the cycle will continue until the end of time. Because the world needs stories. They bring hope to those who have none. They allow us to aspire to be great heroes. To face our darkest fears. And to see the happy ending at the end of the long, hard road.”

The Critique took in a deep breath. “Ponies will come, Apple. Ponies will most definitely come.”

Apple took a moment and thought about all the things that the Critique had said. “So, the story still sucks?” he whispered.

The Critique nodded as if he could hear him. “Yep.”

Apple glanced at the computer screen and raised his eyebrow. “And when everypony finds that out?”

The Critique shrugged. “They’ll demand a refund.”

Apple shook his head, a look of disgust on his face. “So, your big speech was…”

The Critique gave a sinister smile. “A waste of your time!” He let out a chuckle. “How does it feel, fucker?!” Another bellow of laughter filled the speakers, causing Apple shake his head in annoyance.

He closed the window to the Critique, shutting him up. “Asshole.”

Sequel September: Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach

Warning: This review contains graphic violence, gore and explicit language. Viewer discretion is advised.

… I quitting… I’m not doing this anymore…

Sir, what is wrong?

I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore.

Okay, then.

Not even going to try and stop me, huh?

It is not like you are being forced. You could stop whenever you would like. But why now of all times? Was it because of last week?

No, that’s not it. It’s about what I’m supposed to review for this month.

What is so dreadful about this month?

It’s September.

What is so dreadful about September?

It’s Sequel September.

What is Sequel September?

It’s the time of year where I go back and look at the shitty ass sequels to fan fics I didn’t like in the first place.

Who knows? Maybe the sequel will prove to be a Spider-Man 2? A sequel that is better than the original.

Or more likely, it will be like Sharknado 2. A stupid ass sequel to a stupid ass story!

Nopony is forcing you to review sequels. You can review whatever you want.

No, I have to do this. September is the only month of the year that starts with ‘s’ and I’m too lazy to open up my Thesaurus.

So, what’s the first sequel I need to revi-

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Not that one!

Ugh… for those of you who don’t remember my first review of the Poncho Chronicles, let me recap it.

Poncho and his group of friends, including the main six for some odd reason, get lost in a forest where they are chased by a group of villains known as The Beans. The main characters’ personalities are that they like to smoke weed and that they curse worse than me on a Mykan story.

Poncho, despite being the title character, actually does very little in this story, but whine and complain.

A mysterious magic shifts our heroes’ personality to fit the story’s needs, as seen with Spike, who is apparently a druggy. Also, this magic prevents pegasi from flying and unicorns from using magic. And no, it’s never explained what this magic is.

After several of the characters being murdered, the group finds the leader of the group named Charles, who puts some of them into a gladiator arena. After several more characters die, they use Charles’s confusing as fuck staff of time-travel that makes the science on Doctor Who easier to follow by comparison, to bring every character back to life and erasing the events of the first story. Making it a complete waste of time.

So, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach and see if Poncho plays bigger part in this story than the last one.

Our story opens where the last one left off, with our characters making it to South Beach and the first line of dialogue reminding me of how much I hate this series.

“South Beach? Fuckin’ awesome, there’s gotta be weed everywhere, knowing how close we are to Cuba and shit!” said Wahlburn happily

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of drugs the author was on when he wrote this.

Anyway, they make it to South Beach and like the first story, the bus breaks down, so they are stuck here for a couple of days.

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The words we will be writing on the gravestone of the bus.

A flash of excitement erupted on everyone's face. Cannon looked back at the others. “At least there’s shit to do here, unlike the west coast.

Hey! We’ve got plenty of cool things to do on the west coast! Like Disneyland!

And better yet, there has to be plenty of gay bars for Jeb and Poncho.” Cannon laughed while both Jeb and Poncho shook their heads in disappointment.

"That's not even funny," said Jeb. "Others are going to call you a douche for saying stuff like that."

What a great nickname for a character that totally deserves it. Keep track everyone, Cannon is now officially ‘Douche’

So they all agree to pitch in and spend the night at a hotel. Meanwhile, Druggie and Spike decide to go into town to get some product. Look, I wanted more Spike in my stories, but this is not what I had in mind! I can’t even call this character Spike, since he acts nothing like Spike in the canon, I’m calling him Sludge, Spike’s failure cousin.

They walk up to a shady character in an alleyway.

“Do you have any....products for sale?” asked Spike looking around suspiciously.

Shady Character: Oh, I sell lots of products. What are you looking for?

:moustache: Something for my moustache.

Shady Character: Your moustache?

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… What? Not all my jokes can be good.

My question is, when do you start?

Walked into that one, didn’t I?

Anyway, they purchase their weed, but the dealer stops them asking them if they want to buy something called ‘bath salt’. He says that it’s like cocaine, but worse.

Of course, Sludge and Druggie can’t wait to get their hooves/claws on it and they want to try it out. However, they decide that they don’t have the money for it, so they decide to stick with the grass. There is a reason this pisses me off, but I’ll go into details with that the further into the story we go.

Sludge and Druggie make it back to the rest of the group and decide to make their way to a beach house. They decided that they can afford 6 rooms, Jesus, how much money are they carrying around? So they decide that they have to double up in some of the rooms.

“Well, we know Jeb is with Applejack

I hope Applejack goes Apple bucking on his well deserving ass after the stunt he pulled six months ago.

"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.

Yeah, I’m still pissed off at that. This scene could have worked better if we had gotten to know Jeb and know that this is how he would have responded. Instead, we don’t know anything about him, because we don’t get to spend time with him. We don’t see this coming because we don’t see the relationship, be it good or bad, with Applejack. We don’t see them interacting. And that doesn’t make this scene funny. It makes it stupid.

But I’m getting off track here; they get to the hotel in 5 minutes (pretty quick for a group of ponies who say they’ve never been to South Beach before) and manage to pick out the rest of the rooming situation.

“I’ll room with you, Twilight...” said Fluttershy in her usual quiet toned voice.

“Alright, anyone else want to room with us?”

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Oh, yes. I would love to room with you two.

Down, boy

What? I’m just trying to show the best aspects of Ponyville. The unification of Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns.

“Fine, Poncho you’re joining us because no one else will.”

Damn lucky bastard!

So they decide who will bunk with whom and make their way to the front counter.

an elegant pony wearing a uniform with the colors of the hotel strode behind the check-in counter. He looked at some papers left on the counter and smacked his right hoof to his head in anger.

Hey, I’m reading this story in this story… while I’m reading this story… What if? … What if another me is reading this story? And this story, my story, is actually being read by another me?! What if by reading this story about me reading this story in this story, I’m creating a time paradox?!

Sir, unknown time fluctuations.

What does that mean?!

It is possible you have broken time and space.

How the fuck did I do that?!

*Suddenly, a big blue box appears in the middle of the room.  A tall stallion in a bowtie appears from it, with a smile across his face.*

Hello.

*He waves a small metallic stick across the room, with a humming sound coming from it*

Who the fuck are you? How did you get in here? What is that? What are you doing in my house?

Did you want those in order? Or does it matter?

What? … Just answer the fucking questions!

You’re ruder than I remember.

Wait, we’ve met before?!

Well, not officially. Not yet. For me anyway. It’s confusing. I’d explain it, but it’d take all day, not that you would understand any of it anyway, and I’ve got a universe to save. Broken all of space and time, have you?

… Who the hell are you?!

In order then. I’m the Doctor. I traveled through space and time. That is the Tardis. And I’m here to save the universe. Oh and did I mention, I’m the Doctor.

*The Doctor looks down at the book.*

Ah, here we are. All you need to know is that this is not you in the story.

Sir, time is returning to normal.

Of course it is. Fixing stupid people’s mistakes are my specialty.

Stupid?! … Wait, if that’s all that was happening, how did I nearly break all of time and space?!

Good question. I’ll need to look into that. Anyway, got to go. Love to chat, but things to do and places to see.

Wait, you’re leaving? Just like that!

Oh, this is my pointless cameo for the week.

Pointless cameo?

Yes, I randomly show up to increase audience viewership even though I serve no purpose being there and then leave having no impact on the plot whatsoever. Like My Little Luna and Soren the Alicorn.

… Soren? Why does that story keep coming into my life?!

Lovely computer you have. Not quite as good as mine, but maybe someday.

*The Doctor steps back into his blue box and within seconds, the box disappears, leaving no trace.*

I like him.

Oh, look, I’m the Doctor, I’m amazing, blah, blah, blah!

I think somepony is jealous.

Let’s just get back to the story…

So, we find out that the stallion’s name is Still. … That’s a stupid name… And that he is the only one working at the hotel today. And here’s where the dialogue really starts to go downhill from here.

“Most rooms on the bottom few levels are a single doubled sized bed. As we go up, we start to add more room and bed, and of course price. However, the view from the top is rather grand so it’s preference really. Also, depending on your room selection, you will receive a pass for free food at the cafeteria for the duration of your stay with us.”

Patel ran down a list in his head and counted his party. “We need about six rooms near the top of the hotel as they all have two beds, if you don’t mind.

I would question how could the author make them all sound so unnatural, but let’s face it, none of these characters are natural to begin with. And that’s not a good thing!

“Great, can we get food now?” complained Rainbow Dash again.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Rainbow Dash, this whole time, has been complaining about getting something to eat.

but I’m hungry, we need to get something to eat,” said Rainbow Dash.

Now can we please get something to eat?” complained Rainbow Dash.

It’s actually kind of like a cheese grater on my brain.

So, they decide to go get a bite to eat in the cafeteria. When all of the sudden, the Hispanic stereotype walks in. Oh, good, this story needed one of those. Lord knows, the characters and story itself aren’t enough to piss me off!

So, the stallion asks them if they are residents of the hotel and then… starts adding random Spanish words in the middle of sentences. I mean, it’s actually accurate, but does it really need to be there? Oh, I know why it’s there, because we would have this bit of character development without it.

“He asked where the bathroom is.”

Cannon began to laugh. “No you dumbass! He asked how we are all doing! It's a basic phrase from the South Beach area!"

Poncho continues to show us how much of an idiot he is.

Poncho gave a chuckle, “they don’t call me the Foreign Language Master of our town for no reason!”

They also called you the funny one in the first story and yet nothing you have done so far has made me even chuckle. This story is dumb.

They ask the stranger what his name is and his response…

“Me llamo Fluffy Johnson.” He gave a wave goodbye and disappeared into the main lobby of the hotel.

Stop reminding me of other books I could be reading instead.

The next morning the group meets up for breakfast and decides what they want to do. Tyrone, who I am calling ‘Sheeeeeit’ or ‘Racially insensitive stereotype’ depending on how I feel, suggests watching basketball. Poncho, who was Dumbass in the first one, so he’s dumbass here, decides that watching basketball isn’t relaxing.

But the others give off a list of reasons why basketball is relaxing. And what are those reasons?

Cannon and Tyrone both went on saying examples on why basketball was indeed relaxing. After a few minutes of pointless banter, Poncho stood up.

Let it show… Let it show… Don’t tell me what’s going on… Yeah, I’m working on a song for later. Yeah, Frozen’s gotten to me too.

Anyway, Dumbass, after the guys’ oh so valid argument, still has no interest in watching basketball, instead preferring to go to the beach. I got to agree with Dumbass on this one. It’s not like you guys live near a beach and can go there every day, but you can’t watch basketball on Youtube or something.

And for those of you who think that point doesn’t make sense, in the first story, they had cellphones. Granted, they never used them, but at least they had them. So Youtube is not that far out.

This catches the attention of the girls, who all want to join Dumbass at the beach. You would think this would change everyone’s mind, but no they all decide that basketball is better than mares. And I thought Jeb was the only gay one. By the way, Jeb was going to be named the ‘Gay One’, but frankly that is an insult to every gay person I know. Instead, I’m going to call him ‘my bitch.’

What? It’s more appropriate than all the other names I had for him.

We cut to the guys watching their basketball game … at a stadium?! … Where the hell did they get the money to go see a professional basketball game?! I’m serious! There was never any mention of buy tickets beforehand, no indication that they somehow got tickets and no mention of it being a stadium game!

I thought that maybe I skipped a chapter, but no! They just suddenly have enough money to buy tickets, at the door, mind you, to a professional basketball game!

And aren’t they supposed to be on a budget?! They don’t have a lot of money! Or at least, that was the impression the story gave us! And they want to throw it away on a basketball game, when they should be using it to survive the trip home!

They go to the stadium and we get a cameo from Lebrony James. Not sure why, since he’s pretty pointless in this story.

The ball game is pretty much glanced over, which begs the questions if you were going to put this into the story, why the hell didn’t you bother to explain what the hell is going on in the game? And you basically bad mouth Lebrony James the entire time… Do you just hate Lebron? Is this some deeply rooted personal problem you have with him and you are writing about it to get it all out?

While I do applaud you for getting your anger out constructively, what the hell does this have to do with the story?!

But they see someone who they group happens to recognize. It turns out that the mysterious stallion is Xagreus!

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever. It actually turns out that the person isn’t Xarlin, but is his twin brother who looks exactly like him Pharlin.

Stupidest name ever.

They confront Pharlin who asks about his brother. And the boys reveal that Xarlin is actually dead, even though that makes no sense because of the time staff of confusing as fuck powers that erased those events and technically that would mean Xarlin is back to life, but hell, what do I know about time travel?

Pharlin takes the news of his brother’s death pretty fucking well.

Without even thinking, Pharlin spouted, “Good, he had it coming. He was a douchebag to me anyways.”

Pharlin reveals that Xarlin ruined his childhood and what ways did he do that…

Pharlin: But big brother…

Xarlin: Shut up! You are going to watch Golden Girls and you are going to like it!

Pharlin: You’re tearing me apart, Xarlin!

The group lose track of time and it turns out the bus driver just left without any of his passengers. I would say that is a jackass move, but considering how unlikable the characters are, maybe the bus driver decided he couldn’t stand them anymore.

The group goes into an alley where they find…

“Hey look at those dudes screwing in that alley!”

Oh, Jesus Christ! It’s one of those fics!

No, actually it turns out that one of the stallions is as hungry as Rainbow Dash and prefers the other white meat.

After seeing the flesh eating stallion, the group decides to head back to the hotel to meet with the others.

They arrive at the cafeteria where they see …

The girls were sitting at another table to the left of Poncho, talking about something making most of them giggle.

Because… that’s what the main six do, I guess? They sit and talk and giggle. That’s all their personalities are! That’s the one note they’ve been given in this story! Good thing nopony would take offense to this, otherwise, this might be considered shallow.

The group tells the group about the cannibalism and…

I’m getting there…

So, they discuss for a bit about the event, not even bothering to call the cops on it, and then they go about their business by asking about the beach. I really doubt that Twilight and her friends would just ignore the fact that somepony was eating somepony else and go back to sitting and giggling like nothing happened. I think they’d feel obligated to do something about it.

But that’s the main six I know and love and so far they are nowhere to be found, just their sad excuse for replacements.

Fluffy asks Clyde, who I have yet to figure out a name for, so I’ll call him stupid for this one, about his feelings toward Rarity, who I called Stupid 9 in the last story, but I’m not going to call her that in this story. No, I have a much more appropriate name for her in this story. Bellowing Britney.

Douche asks if anything was wrong and we get this…

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad.”

Clyde smiled. “Good.” And they left it at that.

And what was the point of that scene? To reestablish that Stupid has feelings for Britney. Even though they have already shown that in this story and anyone who read the last story would already know that. Thanks for giving us that incredibly relevant scene!

That night, Dumbass finds out that he is having a hard time sleeping, so he goes up to grab a bite to eat. Only to find out that he wasn’t the only one who was hungry.

Dumbass gets attack by the zombie, but before he can get eaten, hopefully ending this story, Still comes in and saves him, killing the zombie.

Damnit! You have all these opportunities to kill him story, just take it already!

Still gathers his workers and tells them about the incident.

“Alright, my fellow workers, as you can see, a zombie, yes, a freaking zombie, attacked a resident and vandalized our hotel. We need to work together and fix the damage and make sure the hotel is safe. I want some of you to carry this, thing, outside and dump it somewhere. We want to make sure to keep this place a calm, safe, living space. It’s bad for business to have zombies about.”

Oh, yes. Let’s not do something sensible like calling the cops or something. We have to think of the reputation of our hotel during a zombie uprising. Where else will the Left 4 Dead games start?

Also, they are taking this zombie thing really fucking well. And I think it’s time that we finally address the elephant in the room.

This story is based on an event that happened called the ‘Miami Zombie Attack’, also known as the Miami Cannibal attack that occurred on May 26, 2012.

In said event, a man named Rudy Eugene striped himself nude and attacked a homeless man named Ronald Poppo. Poppo had his eye ripped out, causing him to be blind in both eyes. He also needed to have facial reconstructive surgery for the damage his face went through during the attack.

Poppo would have most likely died if not for a police officer who stopped Rudy Eugene.

So, yeah. This story is based off the pain of a homeless man who was a victim to an act of extreme violence. And the cause of the violence? Well, the investigation suggests that ‘bath salt’ may have been involved, but the autopsy reveals that only marijuana was in his system.

I’ve already gone over why I feel that real life events shouldn’t be used for your fan fiction in the Human of a Pony review and why it should be used lightly in storytelling period. So, I won’t rant about that again.

However, I will ask you this…

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ACTUAL ZOMBIES?!

I mean, dear lord, this event has nothing to do with actual zombies! Did you really need to feed off another person’s pain to win originality points?! Did you even know that this was a real event?! You couldn’t have. There is no way you could have known this was a real event!

My guess, you had one of your stupid friends tell you about this cool story they heard, they thought it was fake, you thought it was fake and wrote a story about it! There is no way you could have known this was real!

And now you know why this story pisses me off so much more than the other story! I don’t know Poppo personally, but I very much doubt he’d be okay with you writing about a terrible incident that he had to go through!

Okay, rant over…

Still goes over to Dumbass and tells him to not say a word about this to his friends. Dumbass being… well a dumbass … agrees not to telling everypony that zombies are attacking them.

Dumbass then rushes into everypony’s room and tells everypony about the zombies. Okay, points for Dumbass.

"Well you should know by now not to wake me up in such a matter, you sketched out fuckface." retorted Cannon.

     "Wow,” said Poncho

I know, right? Cleary Douche wasn’t a strong enough name for him.

And then we get the part where I shake my head at the realism of this story.

You've got to be fucking kidding me..."

     "No man! I'm totally s-"

     "This is fucking awesome! Lets go kill some mother fuckers!" yelled Cannon.

…

I always dreamed about a zombie breakout,” said Patel grinning, “time to own some bitches.”

“Yeah brother!” yelled Wahlburn in excitement. “Who else is going to come with us?”

Who the hell sits around and dreams of a zombie apocalypse where everypony you love dies?! No wonder I can never connect to kids now-a-days, if all they want to do is run around and watch everyone die!

If this were a real situation, I would be out there trying to get as far away from these things as I could! Not actively hunting them down in the hopes of going out in a blaze of glory!

The guys decide to get the others, with the exception of Twilight and her friends, and gather supplies to fight the zombies. Dumbass decides that he wants nothing to do with it and goes back to his room to try and get some rest.

However, Dumbass wakes up and finds that the guys are now giving orders around to help prevent an angry mob trying to steal food from the hotel. I would ask why the angry mob is not storming a more sensible place with food, like a supermarket, or hell, even a fast food restaurant would make more sense, but since the story’s author doesn’t care about its substance, why should I?

The group makes three separate teams, one lead by ‘Sheeeeit!’, one by Applejack, and Stupid by the other.

They find some walkie talkies… which, I admit, is actually rather smart, since cellphone towers would most likely not be functional or reliable. Granted our author simply explains that…

Don't ask us why we aren't using cellular device. These are cooler. Anyway, we can use them to communicate with each other.”

I would call it dumb luck… Emphasis on the dumb.

And then we hear how much Patel is a jackass.

“We wanted to have you come with us, but we know how much you don’t give two flying fladoodles about zombies.” Patel grinned. “Besides, we also know how much you would want to stay behind to protect your b-, oops, I mean your special lady friend.”

… Frankly, I don’t normally want the zombies to win the apocalypse. But in this case, I would not be shedding any tears if the zombies won the war. I would be shedding tears if they lost the war. In a world filled with dumbasses like these, they deserve to be mercilessly ripped apart by savage, mindless beasts! Hell, the savage, mindless beasts are more likable than these characters! How the hell do you do that?! How the hell do you manage to make me care more about the zombies, who are supposed to be killing machines, than the actually pony characters?! It’s amazing! It’s fucking amazing!

If you think this is funny, than… you fail! You failed miserably! All hail the king of fail!

And just to solidify how much idiocy is in these characters, take a gander at this…

I had to at least tell you before I died just to piss you off one last time.” Clyde brushed past him and returned beside Tyrone and Applejack.

I hope you die by thousands of undead teeth clawing at your flesh. That would make my day.

The group starts to prepare to head out as Druggie gets his Trident ready that he received from their last adventure. Consistency? What’s that?!

The group heads to the front entrance where they find that the hotel has posted sentries to guard the doors. Because two sentries will be enough to stop a zombie horde, I guess.

At first, the sentries explain that nopony is allowed to leave, but the boys tell them that they need to get out to gather food for everyone.

The sentries are hesitant about the boys going out and getting killed. Why are you even considering it?! They are going to go out there and get themselves killed! … On second thought, let them go.

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So, the sentries agree to let them go, but say that they can send back up if they need it. Yes, don’t stay behind and protect those in the defendable facility, to save a bunch of stupid ass kids.

The group goes into town where we get this insight…

“Man, it looks like a war happened in this place, not some zombie outbreak,” whispered Patel to the others as they slowly advanced through the streets.

Have you not read World War Z by Max Brooks? If you haven’t, you really should. At the very least, it’s better than this shit.

They manage to get to a convenient store where they see a group of zombies appear. Rather than fighting them, like they said they wanted to, they wuss out and decide it’s better to run to safety. Safety in a haze where they can’t see?

Well, zombies don’t need much eyesight, so they’re fucked.

They get to the supermarket and we get our unfunny group trying to be funny. It’s rather painful.

Holy shit, this place is huge!” exclaimed Wahlburn, “I guess that’s why they call it a super store!”

Patel turned around and looked at him. “Dude.”

“What?”

“That was probably the fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my damn life. Say anything stupid like that again, and I swear I’ll punch you in the throat.” Patel kept his serious gaze towards him.

Like having a chainsaw rip off my limb. Or like watching Jar-Jar Binks doing standup.

Jar Jar Binks: My-sa marriage is on da wocks again. My-sa wife just broke up with her-sa boyfriend.

They run into Pharlin, who I guess made it this far, and the group decides to let him join, even though they know nothing about him. Oh, good, one more mouth to feed.

We cut back to the others, where they are doing just whatever the hell they please, as if nothing was wrong. Well, I say doing, but frankly the story is just telling us what they are doing rather than showing us any of it.

they debated about sports and famous athletes, a notable topic being LeBrony, how terrible he is, and the fact that he doesn’t deserve his championship or any future titles.

Jeb, along with most of the females in the group, were in charge of cooking.

Spike, Sticky, and Rivs made fun of Jeb the whole time and told him that he was really lame.

Frankly, I preferred it if he told me rather than showed me what’s going on. Showing would make this story longer.

The group sends Dumbass to the bottom staircase to guard it in case any zombies show up. However, the group really sent him down their so that they could eat the food the gang prepared for them, leaving him none left over.

And Dumbass continues to hang out with these guys? Remember, kids, if a group of people treat you poorly, insult you, and leave you to starve to death in the face of a deadly enemy, they are true, true friends.

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Dumbass storms upstairs and starts yelling at his friends for their lack of respect. Finally, somepony with an actual brain, now the zombies won’t starve. The group tries to calm him down, but Dumbass is upset that he is doing the work while the others play basketball. Dumbass notices Bellowing Britney sit on her ass while the others members of the main six are working in the kitchen. (Because that’s totally all women are good for. Cooking and giggling. Wow, it’s a good thing that this isn’t sexist.)

Oh really?” Poncho turned to Rarity. “What did you have to do today?” Rarity looked at him confused and sad. She shook her head. “Huh? What’s that?”

“Nothing,” said Clyde, “she didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t want to do anything so I didn’t force her to.”

Wow, not pulling your weight, eh, Britney? It’s a good thing you’re not Rarity, otherwise, I might actually be pissed off about you butchering one of my favorite characters in the show.

This is especially humorous since YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AND YOU AREN’T FORCING HER TO HELP THE GROUP THAT SHE’S WITH! GOOD GOD, EVEN LORI FROM THE WALKING DEAD PULLED HER WEIGHT AND SHE WAS PREGENANT FOR MOST OF IT!

Dumbass gets mad about Britney’s apparent laziness and calls her what most of us have already called her, ‘a useless bitch.’

Stupid doesn’t take that well and attacks Dumbass.

Oh, good, maybe they’ll kill each other.

The group manages to pull them away from each other and Stupid says that he wants nothing to do with the group anymore. He leaves the hotel with Bellowing Britney following him. Ah, forced contrived loved, it makes the character you love do what you want them to. That’s a healthy relationship.

We then cut to ‘Gold Team’ where they are gathering supplies at the supermarket, which seems unlikely, since in panic everypony would rush over to the supermarket for supplies, probably leaving it bear, but hell, what do I know about zombie apocalypses?

“You shoulda came to our hotel, our friends are pretty much untouchable up there,” said Patel.

“Yeah, unless zombies just storm up that hotel and slaughter them one by one.” Cannon then gave a chuckle.

Oh, I so wish…

The group offer Pharlin a place in the group and tells him that once they have the supplies they need, they are heading back to the hotel.

They decide to stay at the supermarket for the night, without setting up any kind of defense. I think the characters have become self-aware and realize that they are in a crappy story and are trying to make sure that they can die at every chance they can, but the author never takes the opportunity to kill them… Wow, I want to read that story. At the very least, it’s a more interesting premise.

They hear something on the walkies and find out that Stupid and Bellowing Britney have abandoned the hotel. However, due to the static, they can’t make out what the two are saying.

We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who have taken to the roof of the hotel. Okay, if this plays out like it did in the Walking Dead where Rick handcuffs Merle to the rooftop, instead with Britney hoofcuffing Stupid, then I’ll start calling Bellowing Britney Rarity again.

Stupid says he’s taken precautions to protect Bellowing Britney and that she can have as much beauty sleep as she wants. Because during a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than your appearance. Next, you’ll be telling me that you will put Britney on your back while you’re getting chased by zombies, just so she can sleep. Why not? You’ve already done that in a previous story.

We cut back to ‘Gold Team’ where Pharlin decides to tell us what he was doing when the zombie apocalypse happened, it is utterly pointless and not interesting in the slightest.

The group runs into a group of zombies and Jackass manages to get pinned down by them.

He’s dead. He’s so dead. There is no way he’s getting out of this alive. And this story just …

The remaining zombie still on him was about to bite, when a hammer flew in from the side and smashed its’ head in. Patel quickly jumped and looked over to his right, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Standing next to Patel was none other than LeBrony James.

… FUCK THIS STORY!

LeBrony James disappears shortly after and Jackass escapes back to his team. They manage to get back to the hotel and give everypony the supplies.

The group starts celebrating by, what else, getting high of their asses. How much weed do these ponies have? Do they just pull it out of their asses or something?! Oh, and let’s just add to the fire that already burns in my heart about how much I want to kill these assholes, shall we?!

“How has everyone else been?” asked Wahlburn

“Other than that fight, really quiet, especially the girls,” said Fluffy.

“Good,” stated Patel firmly. “I think they’re annoying.”

“We all do,” said Wahlburn.

Ladies and gentlemen, the middle finger to every single of the main characters of the show. If there was any doubt that this author doesn’t care about what he puts in front of us, let that be proof. Let that be the sign that says “Yeah, I don’t care about you guys or anything you guys want from a story. I’m just writing shit.”

I’m going to leave this to the side for now. I want all my anger to go into this one moment and believe me, there is more things to piss me off in this story, so, trust me, my anger won’t be quelled by the end.

We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who, I guess, are supposed to have a tender moment or whatever, but frankly, I stopped caring. The group finally met up with them as they try to decide what their next move is. They agree to go to Pharlin’s condo.

“Why would we do that?” asked Cannon, “do you even know how many Zambies are between us and that place?”

You know, for those of you who haven’t played the Last of Us games. Feeling alienated yet?

I have a lot more supplies at my condo, or at least better supplies, like tools to make barriers and an Xbox with Halo 3. Worth it, in my opinion.”

The most important thing you could ever need in a zombie apocalypse. It isn’t food, clothing, medical equipment, weapons, shelter, or means of surviving the elements. It’s the Xbox and Halo. Fuck you Nintendo and Sony!

Bellowing Britney and Stupid try to force more of their ‘romance’ on us, but it has become clear to me that Bellowing Britney is nothing more than someone to worry about Stupid. She’s just eye candy for Stupid or someone for Stupid to comfort and save. That is all her personality is. She is the Kristen Dunst to Stupid’s Spider-Man. And even that’s not accurate, since Spider-Man was at least likable.

They get to the sentries from before and one of the sentries suggests that they just let the kids go and get themselves killed. Best idea this story has had yet.

The group rush out, but manage to get trapped by the zombie horde. They try to outrun them, but are caught on one of the bridges.

We’re going to have to swim.” He started to push Rarity towards the water.

“Swim? No I can't! My mane and all of my stuff will get ruined!”

Haven’t we already what the most important thing about a zombie apocalypse is? It isn’t something stupid like staying alive! It’s my appearance! If I’m going to be a zombie, I want to look hot enough to bang!

The group manages to avoid one group of zombies and finds another. However, they are saved by the convenient arrival of Rio Chalmers of the Miami Flamers.

Rio tells them of a place where the National Guard has set up for civilians and offers to take them there.

Wait, Lebron James and Rio Chalmers in the same fan fic? Okay. Now, you’ve got this perfect set up. Please, take advantage of it.

He doesn’t, sir.

What?! That’s bullshit! The one time I actually want you to do something mean spirited with these characters and you don’t take advantage of it! Come on, a fight between Chalmers and Lebron would be funny?

We then cut to the rest of the team, (I don’t really care if you know who is where, it’s really freaking pointless by the end of it), where they need to gather supplies because Stupid stole all the supplies for himself and his bitch… I know what I said.

Before they go out, however, they decide that it is best to get some rest. However, before they can get much sleep, the hotel is attacked by a group of scavengers. It is entirely pointless.

They get back to the front of the hotel where Still tells them that they are surrounded by zombies. He called the National Guard, but they are unable to send support.

And then Pharlin comes up with the most ‘ingenious’ plan ever.

After a few seconds, Pharlin took out what appeared to be a mask. He turned around and pulled it over his head. As he turned around the others laughed.

“You found a mask of a zombie that’s part of a kid’s costume and actually think it’s going to make zombies not attack you?” asked Patel laughing.

Pharlin: Because I just carry little kid zombie masks on my person all the time. That’s not weird, is it?

Wow, Xingleborg must have really messed you up, huh, Pharlin?

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

Anyway, they plan to use the mask to sneak by the zombies. Which I imagine would end like this…

Oh, wait, I live in the real world and this story is devoid of anything resembling that.

The stupid ass plan works, I guess, and they get to Pharlin’s condo. And guess what other bullshit the other throws at us? Pharlin just happens to have a cure for the zombie outbreak. How did he come up with this cure? How did he know that there was a zombie virus floating around? How did he obtain a sample of the virus to test on? How did he test the cure against the virus?

I don’t know. I do not know. It’s never explained. It’s just… there! There it is and you shouldn’t question it! Pfft, all those zombie movies or shows where the cure is never found, how stupid are those losers?! Walking Dead, World War Z, Left 4 Dead… there all stupid compared to this Pharlin guy, who… has done nothing, pretty much does nothing, we know nothing about, and somehow, SOMEFUCKINGHOW manages to find a cure for the zombie apocalypse in his back pocket.

This is the moment where the story jumped the shark. It has literally jumped the shark people. This series will be forever worse because of it.

So, they have to get the cure to the National Guard so they can use it to take out the zombies.

They manage to get back to the streets where they find a group of soldiers patrolling the area. Pharlin goes to speak to them, but forgets that he is still wearing the mask. The soldiers mistake him for a zombie and open fire on him, thus killing him.

Finally! Some death and destruction! Too bad it came from THE SOLDIERS, INSTEAD OF THE ZOMBIES! Seriously, what is the casualty count of the zombies that we actually see?! We don’t actually see the zombies killing anyone! We only see the soldiers or the group of morons killing! Not the zombies themselves!

We cut back to the hotel where the zombies have broken through the TWO SENTRIES POSTED AT THE FRONT DOOR, and being pouring into the hotel. The group starts to panic from the zombie horde and try to escape to get to the arena where the others are.

However, they are saved when the National Guard arrives with the other group. The others explain about the cure they have, but fail to mention the death of Pharlin. I guess he really wasn’t that important to the plot.

We then cut to Stupid and Britney who are introduced to the rest of the Miami Flamers. Rio explains that he will help their friends get back to the arena, so they all can be safe. We go through the biographies of the coach and several players of the teams, and unless you want to know more about them, (in which case just use Wikipedia), it’s pretty damn pointless.

Stupid then asks Britney if she wants to be his girlfriend. … What have you been calling her before? The same thing I have? Stupid, useless bitch? Because that’s what she is.

Britney then shows him her…

“It’s an enchanted bag I made myself. It’s waterproof, fireproof, and pretty much indestructible.” Rarity looked over to him. “Do you honestly think I would be so careless with my belongings?”

THEN WHY THE FUCK WHERE YOU WHINING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR STUFF BEING WET WHEN YOU HAVE AN INDESTRUCTABLE BAG?! AND FOR THAT MATTER SHOULDN’T YOU BE USING THIS INDESTRUCTIBLE MATERAL FOR ARMOR OR SOMETHING?! I THINK A MATERAL THAT IS COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTILBE WOULD CATCH THE ATTENTION OF THE MILITARY! HOW MANY LIVES WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SAVE?! FUCK THIS STORY!

But it turns out there was a point to Bellowing Britney’s lie. Take a look at this…

“I did. I wanted to see what your reaction was. Looks like you’re going to buy me some new clothes anyway. That can be one of our dates!”

Every sentence uttered in this story is like a zombie ripping out my brain and eating it.

We then get the position of every character on the basketball team, it is entirely pointless.

The group arrives at the stadium and explains why Dumbass and Druggie aren’t with them, because they left them at the hotel. The group declares them dead, more likely that they just don’t want to go after them, but ‘the brave, handsome, superb, ethical, morally right, strong’ Stupid declares that he will save them and that his penis is bigger than anypony else’s.

Or is that his head? I frankly can’t tell the difference.

Stupid arrives just in time to save Dumbass and Druggie and then we get a cameo from… Andy Samberg?

… … … Because.. that totally makes sense… Because when you think zombies… you think… Andy Samberg… I mean, it’s not like he has ever been in a zombie movie before… He’s not like Andrew Lincoln, Sarah Polley, Simon Pegg, or hell, even Duane Jones, who have actually been in a zombie movie… No, that’d be stupid. No, let’s thrown in an actor who’s never played in a zombie movie… FOR NO FUCKING REASON!

So, it turns out a year has passed since the zombie apocalypse and the bus driver finally decides to come back. Whatever, this story is almost over.

The magic that prevented them from using their wings and horns mysteriously vanishes, Sludge moves out of Twilight’s house to live on the streets with Druggie where they died due to an overdose. It was about 20 years later that anyone even noticed.

Spike was found tied up and gagged on the back of the bus and nopony ever noticed, but he is now safely back in Twilight’s home.

Bellowing Britney and Stupid were married, but were divorced three years later after finding out that Bellowing Britney had been cheating with Stupid’s best friend, Jackass. Stupid killed Jackass and was sentence to prison for life. Feeling alone, Bellowing Britney committed suicide.

Rarity, it turns out, was with the Doctor the entire time and that when she returned a few days later, everything went back to normal.

Everypony else… well, who cares?

We then get a sequel beg where the characters want to have a reunion in Amsterdam, and honestly, I don’t give a shit.

What kind of drugs was this author on to come up with this?

I guess that it was trying to be like Shaun of the Dead, but had none of the charm, wit, humor, interesting characters or anything resembling the comedic writing of that movie.

This story is just dumb. Absolutely dumb in every respect of the word. The characters are as mean spirited as they have ever been, making me care less about them with every passing scene. Even when they are trying to be funny, they never once even got so much as a pity laugh from me.

The plot is nonsensical and makes no sense! How did the zombies get created? How did Pharlin manage a cure? Why the hell did this revolve around basketball players that have nothing to do with the plot of the story?! The story has nothing to do with the event it is based on and nothing to do with the zombies! Even the author of the story claims…

It may be short, but it's also not focused solely on the zombie setting. This story is more focused on character development than anything.

Except what do we learn about the characters that we didn’t already know? Poncho doesn’t like his friends, Druggie’s a druggie, Stupid is in love with Bellowing Britney, and all the other characters I either can’t remember their names or what they did. Most characters leave some kind of impact, but no, none of these characters do that! They are all just generic stereotypes that are offensive and unfunny!

The writing is bland and boring as hell. The dialogue is unnatural most of the time and there are far too many characters to focus on for this author. I know there isn’t a set limit of how many characters you can focus on. But if you are going to have a million characters in a story, you need to spend time with each of them, getting to know all of them. This author doesn’t spend enough time with any of the characters! There are some characters you don’t even see! Hell, Pinkie Pie isn’t mentioned from chapter 2 on! And it’s 14 fucking chapters!

Which brings me to the point I have been saving up for a little while…

Why the fucking hell does this need to be a My Little Pony fan fic?!

I mean, seriously think about it for a second. What did the My Little Pony characters actually do to this story? What did they actually contribute? What did they do in the story to make this story better?

That’s right. Fucking nothing. They did nothing. There is not one thing that these characters did. I bet you, halfway through the story, you forgot it was a My Little Pony fan fic. I sure as fuck did. What is even the point of them being there, if you aren’t going to take advantage of them and their world?

My guess is, you had one of your friends fall in love with Rarity and asked you to make a fan fic revolving around that. But rather than make it a one shot, you thought that you should have a great big adventure with all your friends getting high and saving the world. And instead of giving us only one horrid fan fic to read, you gave us four. Four ugly pieces of vile shit! And I honestly have had all that I can stomach for this year!

Fuck this story and fuck. This. Series.

Have a great day guys. If you’ll excuse me, I need to recover because Sequel September is just warming up.

***

Hey, guys. Spideremblembrony here. Just here again with an announcement of my newest story that I am working on called ‘The Longest Night’. It’s a Halloween story with the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

In the story, they end up in a mansion for a night with a serial killer chasing them and they have to find their way out. It’s a project I’ve been working on for a while now, and I’m really excited to post it. There’s going to be a little bit of gore in it, but not enough to make you sick.

I’m looking for anyone who is willing to help, be they experienced or not. Any help I can get will be appreciated. Proofreaders, editors or pre-readers are welcome.

Also, if you want to know more about the project that maybe I didn’t mention in this blog post, please send me a private message. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to ask away and I’ll try to answer them as best that I can.

If you are interested in lending me a hand, please leave a comment or send me a private message with a email or other place I can contact you.

The first chapter will be posted on October 1st and will be continually posted throughout October, so be on the lookout for it and hopefully you all enjoy it.

Sequel September: Dame Vinyl

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome back to… Sequel September…

Last week was a bit of a struggle for me, and it’s only the first week of the damn month. Going back and seeing these stories continually become worse is something that I do not enjoy.

And this week is no exception. For those of you who remember my review of One Winged Angel, good for you. For those of you who don’t, let me quickly recap.

Sephiroth, the main villain of Final Fantasy 7, appears in Equestria via dark cloud, where he befriends the main six. Sephiroth reveals his plan to destroy all of Equestria, but if he is destroyed, Equestria is destroyed with it. Yeah, it makes about as much sense as it sounds.

Celestia, which is actually revealed to be an Islamic God who created all life on Equestria,

And in the universe for that matter, who battle Sephiroth long ago, completely butchering the continuity of Final Fantasy 7 while at the same time the MLP series. And not in a very creative way.

They finally end up banishing Sephiroth to the moon, via Jewish song. Well, they call it ‘Soosi’ in the story, but we all know it’s Jewish. And everyone that isn’t Soosi is a moron, since they needlessly make rude comments like these…

"Ah thought Sooses're supposed ta be quick as whips. The othas ah understand-but Derpy...hoo-wee, ain't that somethin'!"

"Maybe the horn grew into her brain..." Rainbow mused.

Ha, ha, ha… That’s totally racist.

As you can imagine, I really didn’t like this story, so my expectations of its sequel are not very high. So, let’s dig into Dame Vinyl and see where it goes from here.

The story starts off where near the end of where the first one ended, with Vinyl being knighted for her bravery against Sephiroth, even though there are like 4 other ponies who should be knighted, but I’ll skip that rant for now.

Vinyl receives a letter from Canterlot asking her to appear for her knighting ceremony.

Octavia groaned. "Only you could manage to acquire a knighthood for creating the loudest sound in Equestria, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl," Vinyl cut in, "titles are important!"

Technically, she hasn’t been knighted yet. Celestia could still change her mind… And I really hope she does.

Octavia sighed, "Alright, Dame Vinyl. You know, it interrupted my show, although to actually hear Lunarian music was transcendant-"

Yes, wasn’t that song just magnificent? Don’t you remember how much of an impact it had on?

Warning. Repetitive subject.

What? What do you mean ‘repetitive subject’?

You have repeatedly stated your opinion on music in fan fiction. I believe it is getting old. Anytime you touch on a subject that you have repeatedly touched on, I will issue a warning.

But half the things I rant about are repetitive subjects? How am I going to do a review without issuing them?

You may issue them, but in small amounts.

Ugh… This is going to make this difficult…

Anyway, Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

Whatever, and Octavia start to converse about the events of the previous story. It doesn’t really answer any questions that the previous story had at the end of it, but rather reminds me of the fight scene that wasn’t done very well.

Vinyl sighed, "I have a chill spot with a studio in Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack let me build on her property cause they have so much free space. That way, I can crank the wubs as loud as I want, and nopony can claim noise pollution."

Now we see what attracted the Vampire Fruit Bats.

And then we see another bit of racism in our little town of Ponyville.

Hey!" Vinyl shot out, "She is NOT a rube! Sure, she may be a little bit country, but that's her charm! I'm sure you'd warm up to her if you met her!"

Octavia sneered at that comment. "You know I have no desire to associate with those ruffians, Vinyl-"

Wow, not even the first chapter and already I hate this story. Expect lots of yelling in this one.

Apparently, Octavia has a reason for hating the main six, even if it is a stupid one, and says that they ruined her big night at the Grand Galloping Gala. Technically, that night was a lost cause anyway. You should hear what Celestia says about it behind everypony’s back.

Youtube Video

So, Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

Whatever, tries to explain to Octavia that the main six aren’t bad and that she should get to know them.

Vinyl winked at Octavia, "and that's coming from a Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire, so you know it's true!"

Octavia groaned. "Blueblood is a Prince. He is also the most foppish, ill-mannered dandy that ever walked Equestria. Do you think I should listen to whatever HE says?"

Yes, because if you don’t he will heat vision your face off.

Youtube Video

"Not the point," Octavia said pointedly, "you know I think he's an absolute sot. Even through all the disaster, I still smiled a little when the pony with the purple mane absolutely splattered him with cake," Octavia said, chuckling a little at that memory.

Blueblood/Zod: Oh, no… cake… my only weakness…

Octavia mentions how she would like to meet Rarity, funny how Rarity is the only character Octavia likes and she is a Soosi. Kind of seeing where this all comes from.

Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

STOP IT! Vinyl is milking the shit of out this! She is milking her title for everything that it is worth! Asking Octavia to refer to her as Dame, demanding that she speak in a request that boasts of her magnificence! Vinyl’s kind of a bitch!

Anyway, Octavia’s had enough of it and starts throwing pillows at her. When she runs out she… throws an entire couch at her?!

Jesus, I know Vinyl was being a bitch, but damn! Isn’t that a little extreme?! And for that matter, how was she able to lift the freaking couch and throw it at Vinyl?! Does Octavia have super strength?!

Anyway, Octavia meets Rarity at a local diner where they sit and talk. They discuss the battle with Sephiroth, which actually really doesn’t reveal anything new, other than, Princess Twilight is the exact opposite of Vinyl. Where Vinyl is milking her title for all its worth, Twilight has shown restraint and would rather be treated like she was before.

Vinyl told me that she was the conduit for that massive energy blast that sealed Sephiroth on the moon."

"Yes, and she almost gave out a few times. When the spell was complete, she passed out for three days."

Octavia shuddered at that. She was very happy being an earth pony.

I am making a T-shirt! Earth Pony and proud!

They then start gossiping about Blueblood, saying all kinds of things about him and how horrible he was to Rarity at the Gala and that Rarity finally got him back.

He is a disgusting, boorish pig of a pony, and you certainly gave him his..." Octavia started giggling uncontrollably.

"Gave him what, dear?"

Octavia's giggling turned into chortling. "His...JUST DESSERTS!"

… Okay, I’ll give this story one point… that made me laugh a bit.

"Well then, now that we've had our fun, how about we go back to my place? I have certain questions I'd like to ask you in private..." Octavia intoned.

Oh, no! It’s one of those stories!

"Well, I'd be delighted! Lead the way!" Rarity said as she chugged the rest of her macchiato. Octavia cringed as a visible tingle thrummed through Rarity's body.

Wow, it really is one of those stories!

Octavia unlocked the door to her apartment, Rarity in tow. She opened it to complete blackness.

It really, REALLY is one of those stories!

"Oh, you'll see," Vinyl said wickedly. Just then, a low thrum swept through the room, "Introducing...the Dame of Dubstep...the Knight Commander of Nightcore...DJ-Pon-3!" as the shadow of a unicorn was cast in the black and a torrential downpour of wubs descended upon the apartment, causing Rarity and Octavia to cover their ears. Vinyl then switched on the lights and turned off the dubstep. "So, what did you think of my new intro?" Vinyl asked with a grin.

Oh, good. It’s not one of those stories.

A neighbor comes to complain about the noise Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

This is going to get old… quick… is making, but after announcing that she is a knight, the neighbor walks off without saying another word. Wow, Vi-.. Dame Vinyl is a bitch. She can do whatever she wants just because she’s famous! And why should Vinyl feel so special anyway?! There were others who contributed more than she did! Why was she knighted and not them?!

And even, Rarity thinks that it is okay to abuse her power like this. Oh, good. Rarity must have had her brain sucked out of her head, because that is not how she would react. If you want proof, go watch Putting Your Hoof Down, I think that it shows an abuse of power is a bad thing!

Anyway, Octavia asks Rarity to sing her Lunarian song that she sang to defeat Sephiroth. Rarity is at first hesitant, but finally works up the courage to sing it.

They start to talk about the Pre-Equestria civilization and I’ve just notice something about this story… the pacing… We are two chapters in and I still have no idea what the point of everything that is going on is. Mind you, this story is only 6 chapters long and the chapters have, at most, 2000 words. Frankly, I’m not so much pissed off as I am bored. This story really isn’t that interesting, and the talking head syndrome found throughout is not helping.

Rarity sings another song and translates it for her. Why? I have no flipping idea. I guess it’s to show how much the author knows about Jerusalem, but what does this have to do with the story?!

Ugh… Octavia has an orgasm about ‘how wonderful their music is’ and ‘how fantastic their civilization was’ and ‘how they were treated wrongly’ … Look if you are going to show us how fantastic this civilization is… TRY ACTUALLY SHOWING US IT!

You say that they were a magnificent civilization, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t show us their struggle. That doesn’t show us what they went through. That doesn’t help us understand their reason for doing what they do. And it certainly doesn’t help when we can’t hear the music that is supposed to represent that!

Also, one thing I wanted to mention… What is the focus of this story?! Is this story about the Soosi’s history? The knight Vinyl? Octavia’s and Rarity’s relationship? Where is the focus of the story? It keeps switching back and forth to all of these things, but they don’t synchronize at all!

Anyway, Dame Vinyl is in a pub where a stallion walks up with her and asks her on a date. However, Dame Vinyl explains that she is a lesbian. The stallion explains that his friends dared him to ask her out and then Dame Vinyl starts making out with him. … Pretty freaking pointless.

Anyway, Dame Vinyl

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

Now, you’re just being a bitch…

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is asked not to smoke, but after repeating her title of ‘Knight Commander’ to the bartender, he finally gives up and walks away. Remember kids, if you have an important title, exploit the shit out of it!

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, seriously I met Mary-Sues with short titles than this, sees a … katana on the wall of the pub?

Look, I think katanas are cool and all, but … what the hell is a katana doing in a medieval like setting?! I know that Sephiroth had what looked like a katana in the game, and this may be the same world, but that was over 1000 years ago by the stories setting. And in the show’s continuity, the armor they wear is more based on a medieval style that it was a feudal Japanese style. So, why is this katana here? There is no mention of trading, or purchasing of such a weapon, it just sort of appears!

Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh on this portion. After all, Final Fantasy 7 had some katanas and technically this is the same world. Not sure how the fuck it works, but at the very least, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is going to have a cool name for her sword. So… What’s it going to be?

“NoWacking,” she mumbled.

… I’m sorry.. What?

Vinyl sighed, “I hereby christen this sword NoWacking!”

Really? … NoWacking? Not going to go for something else, like… StabbyStick? Or… MetalPokeyThingy? Or… CurvyOutOfPlaceOutOfTimePoker? … NoWacking, huh? …

I love it when the author doesn’t care, it allows me to say whatever the hell I want about the story and not feel badly about it.

Vinyl

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

SHUT UP!

She goes home and gets into another argument with one of the neighbors about how much noise she is making. It is utterly pointless.

Octavia, after seeing how clumsy, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is with a sword, recommends that she take lessons on the subject.

So, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander gets her weapon registered… it is utterly pointless.

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

Wielder of NoWacking

… Whatever… runs into Rarity. She explains that obtained the sword in a bar and Rarity asks where it came from. The pony with the unnecessarily long name, which I happened to make longer by typing it this way, tells Rarity that she doesn’t know, nor does she particularly care.

Rarity and … you know who… travel around the town and ask everypony if they recognize the sword. However, they come up dry. Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, wielder of NoWacking… there I said it… claims that the sword is rightfully hers.

Rarity, however, manages to convince her to see Princess Celestia about the sword and see where it comes from.

Celestia asks to borrow the sword from Vinyl and Vinyl is pretty defensive about, nearly attacking Celestia just to keep it. Celestia decides to back off, which is really stupid considering the explanation we are about to get. She convinces Vinyl to take up sword lessons with the royal guard, again showing how stupid Celestia is in this story.

Celestia then explains to Rarity where the sword actually came from. The sword’s real name is the Masamune. And it is the same blade that Sephiroth used in Final Fantasy 7.

It turns out that the blade is cursed with Sephiroth’s spirit and that it is slowly possessing Vinyl’s body. And honestly, I couldn’t tell because Vinyl was acting like a bitch before she got the sword. That’s good storytelling for you.

So, let me get this straight Celestia, instead of taking the blade from a pony, who is slowly being possessed by an evil demon who is now trapped on the moon, waiting to be free, you want to teach her how to kill ponies better? And instead of dealing with it yourself, you send Rarity, who has no combat skills (with the exception of martial arts, but I doubt it is in league with Sephiroth) to deal with it, instead of doing something sensible like, oh, I don’t know, using Discord or Twilight?!

The sheer level of stupid oozing from this story would cover Equestria four times.

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, Wielder of NoWacking and Rarity return to Octavia’s place, where they try to use the song that Rarity knows to rid the sword of the demon.

And it is the longest copy and paste I have ever seen in a story. I’m serious.  For nearly 200 words, it’s just lyrics of the song. There is no music, no actions, no reactions of any kind. Just straight lyrics to the song.

I really hate this story.

And immediately afterwards, she sings the song again, translated…

Oh, good, because it was so good the first time!

I need some really music here, and since this is Final Fantasy 7…

Youtube Video

However, they soon see that the song doesn’t work and that Sephiroth has taken control of Vinyl.

Sephiroth reveals his evil plan to destroy all of pony kind to gather their life energy into himself.

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Rarity said loudly, pulling back and swatting towards Vinyl, who blocked handily, “That has to be the most ridiculous evil plot I’ve ever heard!” as the sheath was pushed away.

Have you read half of the stories I’ve read? Because that is the same evil plot from Final Fantasy 7. Nothing has changed. Seriously, it’s the exact same. And this is ridiculous? I’d love to see what you think a good evil plan is?

Anyway, after throwing an entire couch at Vinyl, which still doesn’t make any sense, but hey, points for joke callback, they finally knock her out. Rarity suggests that Octavia go take the sword from Vinyl, since Sephiroth won’t likely possess an earth pony.

… That’s stupid. If Sephiroth has a way to get back into the world, even though an earth pony, wouldn’t he take it?! He doesn’t exactly have the luxury of being picky when it comes to taking over the world in his position?!

They arrive at Canterlot where Luna performs an exorcism on the sword and on Vinyl. Okay, if someone makes a story with Luna as the Exorcist, that would be cool.

And our story ends with Octavia and Vinyl…

Dame Vin-

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCKING HELL SHIT FUCK UP, VINYL YOU PIECE OF SHIT KNIGHT HOOD BITCH! JUST SHUT UP! OH, LOOK AT ME, I’M A GREAT KNIGHT AND I SHOULD BE WORSHIPED AND OTHER BULLSHIT BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING BITCH! FOR CHIST SAKE, TAKE YOUR NOWACKER AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO FAR, THAT YOU’LL HAVE TO HAVE SURGURY TO GET IT REMOVED, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

God, damnit! You see what this story turns me into?!

This story is just dumb… it isn’t as bad as its predecessor, but it’s just so fucking boring. With its uninteresting premise, terrible characters, talking head syndrome, slow as shit pacing and with no substance to what is going on until the very end makes this a difficult read.

This story would have been stronger if it was just Vinyl being a bitch about her new title. That was actually interesting. I wanted to see more of that. Those scenes were almost tolerable. I’m not even kidding. They almost made me interested in the story. But when you do more telling than showing, and focus on the Soosi mythology rather than the character, it makes it unfocused and uninteresting.

The pacing is terrible since nothing of substance comes until the very end of the story and very few things that are introduced in the story make no sense and don’t connect to what goes on in the rest of the story.

While there were jokes that did work, it still wasn’t enough to save this sinking abomination.

If you have the chance to skip it, definitely take it.

Have a good day guys. … Two down… Two to go…

Sequel September: Cameron's Ponyville Misadventures 2

Cameron is back, but with him are his friends Austin, Dillon, Dominic, Andrew and Nick. Together, they embark on an adventure, with the Mane 6.

God, I hate Cameron… Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. Today, I look back at a Human in Equestria story. Yeah, it’s been a little while since I’ve done one of these. Fortunately, today, I’ve stocked up on plenty of alcohol and…

You are not drinking.

What?! But I have to play the Human in Equestria drinking game!

The last time you played that, you threw up all over the restroom.

If this story didn’t have so many fucking clichés in it, I wouldn’t have a problem.

You are not drinking. Besides, it is terrible for your liver.

… Bitch… Well, I may be forbidden to play it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t encourage it. Get out your shot glasses and make sure you have plenty of alcohol on standby, because we are diving, head first, into Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2

For those of you who don’t remember this story, allow me to give you a brief summery. Cameron, who I am calling Human-guy, at least until a better name pops into my head, appears in Equestria and has sex with Fluttershy.

Nightmare Moon then appears and attacks Cameron. Celestia says that only Cameron has the power to stop her, which makes no sense because he doesn’t actually do anything against her, and it was the Elements of Harmony that actually defeated her.

Cameron is killed by Nightmare Moon, but is brought back to life by the Elements of Harmony, creating the Jesus metaphor. He then returns back to his own world and frankly, I don’t remember the last bit of it. I would say it was the alcohol, but it was more likely I just don’t care to remember it.

Our story here starts with an author’s note.

Again, I always make a short and brief Prologue. And don't criticise my work this time, okay? Just tell me what I need to fix.

Isn’t telling you what you need to fix criticism? Wow, you really need a Thesaurus, don’t you?

Our story starts proper with this…

So here I am, back again in Ponyville. Want to know how I got back here?

Do I actually have a choice?! Because I choose not to!

Okay, I'll tell you my story.

Fuck…

It started like this. One year later, I was in my house,

Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!

What the hell, dude? ‘One year later’? One year later from when? One year later from you telling us this story?! Are you saying that this story is going to take us a year to get through and then you are actually going to experience what you just told us? Does Human-guy suddenly have foresight now?

I assume that you mean, ‘One year later from my first trip to Ponyville’, but then why the fuck would you not say that?! You can’t just assume the audience knows something of what you mean! Explain it better!

Or do you mean ‘One year ago’ stating that you’ve been in Ponyville for a year? One of the few ways you could have written it wrong and you manage to pull it off. That takes serious talent and not the good kind either.

So, they decide to hangout in an alleyway. Yeah, because don’t all the cool kids hangout in alleyways. My god, no wonder you got picked on in high school, most kids have houses or places to actually, you know, hang out, you all just hang out in alleyways like fucking druggies. Any second I keep expecting Druggie from The Poncho Chronicles to start selling drugs to these guys.

Okay, so we get introduced to the friends of Human-guy, but honestly, they play such a small role in this story, you’ll barely miss them if I just leave out their names. Honestly, the story doesn’t care about them. Don’t believe me, well, take a look at this piece of literature…

We decided to hang out in an alley and talk about a variety of subjects (like fanfics, art, video games, etc).

Oh, yeah, because that shows the depths of the characters we are introducing in this story. The subjects they talk about add a lot to their characters, don’t they? They like Fanfiction, art and video games! Oh, so much information just flowing through those single lines. I wonder what else we will learn about these characters? Like, they have two eyes? Or they have hands? Or maybe that they even have… and bear with me here… hair? Oh, the possibilities.

They see a portal in the alleyway that is similar to the one that transported Human-guy back home from Equestria. I have to scratch my head at how exactly would Twilight know where to place her portal to see where Human-guy was. Does she have a mirror that shows where Human-guy is?

:twilightsmile: Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me the biggest dumbass of all.

Skye…

:facehoof: No, the other dumbass…

Poncho…

:twilightangry2: Stupid mirror! The real dumbass!

Soren…

:facehoof: Why are there so many dumbasses?

The friends think about jumping in, because that is exactly what you should do seeing a strange portal appear out of nowhere. And after the argument of ‘Let’s go in’, they decide to jump in.

What they didn’t know was that was actually a portal to hell, where they would all be forced to read the comments on this fan fiction, without the ability to delete them!

So, they end up in Ponyville, where the beautiful setting is ‘described’ to us.

We looked around, seeing the bright colors and beautiful scenery outside of Ponyville.

Now, isn’t this what you think of when you think of describing the scenery of Ponyville? Obviously, there was a lot of time and effort put into placing every single important point into the scenery around them. Why, it’s like reading an actually painting! I actually commissioned an artist to draw a picture of what this might look like based on the description and this is what he came back to me with…

It was a good deal!

"Woah...was THIS the thing that you were talking about, Cameron?" I heard Nick ask me in amazement.

Oh, okay. I guess Human-guy just told his friends about him going to Equestria and having pony sex. And of course, big fucking shock here, the friends take it unrealistically well! God, kids are just so fucking open minded now-a-days.

Why, I’m actually a fish from the Indian Ocean and how I post my blogs and write my reviews is I consult with my uncle who is actually a kangaroo, who owns Best Buy. And now the truth is out there.

So they go to Ponyville (yet, it took more words in the review to say that than it did in the story) and they run into our main six, where Fluttershy is happy to see Human-guy again. Oh, they were in a relationship? Funny… I don’t remember that in the first story. Was it because it was so underdeveloped? Was it because they have no chemistry together? Was it because the story didn’t bother to explain it instead choosing to focus on a plot against Nightmare Moon that was both generic and stupid?

If you said yes to all three, I apologize.

So, they greet the main six (again, took longer to say that in the review than it did the story, speaking volumes about the fact that the pacing is shit) and the friends agree to stay in Ponyville in the home that Human-guy built when he was first here. Yes, he has a house. He’s moved in with Thunder-Ice and Damion.

Well, the rest of the day we spent unpacking our belongings and moving in.

What?! … What?! … What belongings?! You guys didn’t have anything when you jumped through the portal?! Are you saying that you carry all your belongings with you?! We clearly saw that Human-guy had a house to sleep in during the first story! So, what happened?! Are you and your friends just bums on the street?! Maybe I wasn’t far off with my druggie crack after all?!

Oh, good. We get our next chapter in present tense. Even though up to this point, it has been past tense. Have they been there a year? What happened within that time frame?! Have we finally caught up to the present and this is what is happening now?! Then why the hell did you even bother with the ‘One year’ thing?! Why not just have the present be them in the alleyway?!

They just chatted with my friends, asking how life on Earth was and other things.

God… could this story get any more boring?! I had a more exciting time having a staring contest with my wall! Or listen to Computer rambling for 5 hours about physics!

Ramble? Is that what it is, sir?

If you didn’t make it sound so boring!

The conversation here is non-existent! There is nothing to add to the characters. Nothing that shows how they interact with each other. Nothing that shows anything about their personalities. And it never changes. I’m serious. Outside of the characters names, we never see anything resembling a personality. You could replace them with cardboard cutouts and no one would be able to tell the difference.

No, I take that back. Even cardboard would have a more interesting personality than these characters!

Anyway, they go to visit Princess Celestia and she explains that she was the one who casted the spell that brought them here. Really? You wanted Human-guy back that bad? Was he really that fascinating?

Wait, I know why Celestia brought him back. She wanted to study him. Yep, she wanted to see how a character could be so devoid of any personality. At the very least, I’ll get to watch Celestia cut him open and find out what is inside him.

Disgusting? Yes. Better than this? Hell yes.

They then head home… what the hell was the point of Celestia even being there again?

After that waste of time, the main six give their friends the tour of Ponyville. What do they see? Where do they go? What do they do?

Well, I asked a comic book writer to explain to me what happened in this story using his words and art to construct a visual representation of what the author had in mind. And he came back to me with…

He’s a very talented comic book writer. Check him out.

But all is not well because the school has caught on fire…

It wasn’t me this time, I swear!

So, Human-guy goes into the school, because none of the main six are there to help, and the fire-department is nonexistent, and rescues the fillies trapped inside.

He wakes up in a hospital where…

"Oh Cameron!" She hugged me. "I-I thought you were about to die!"

I’m changing ‘thought’ to ‘hoped’.

So, he walks out the hospital and for some reason the doctors allow it, even though he rushed into a burning building and was unconscious, and follows Fluttershy home. Oh, I so hope we get another warning label about sexual intercourse. That was funny the first time.

Actually, right before they can bang each other, one of Luna’s night guards knocks on the door and interrupts them.

The guard just became my new favorite character!

He asks Human-guy to come with him to see Princess Luna.

When he arrives, Luna thanks Human-guy for saving the group of fillies the other day. Aw, that’s sweet. Now, let’s see how we can fuck it up.

Luna then decides to tell Human-guy her backstory. … Yeah. Just out of the blue. He didn’t ask about it. It doesn’t connect to why he is here in the first place. It has no significance on the plot and adds nothing to the overall story itself.

… I really hate this story.

He then starts to describe the events of Neil Armstrong’s journey to the moon.

"Because to them, it was a mystery of what it was like on the moon. No one has been there. But Neil Armstrong found a way."

Because the scientists, engineers and other pilots had nothing to do with it at all! Nope, it was Neil Armstrong by himself, with no help whatsoever.

Also, that bit about Neil Armstrong, yeah, that’s pointless in the overall scheme of things. It’s just to show how ‘smart’ the author is. Oh, and just to add to that, he tells us that ‘luna’ in Spanish means ‘moon’. God and I thought the Spanish in Poncho Chronicles was stupid. At least there, it sort of made sense! This comes out of fucking nowhere! Like the author wants us to be impressed with how ‘smart’ he is.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I stop my reviews of the story and just shout out random knowledge that has nothing to do with what I’m doing now, in an effort to make you think I’m smart?!

That is the worst idea I have ever-

Did you know that Spider-Man’s first appearance in the comics was actually in a dying series called Amazing Fantasy?

Sir, the audience just wants to read the re-

Did you know that if a shark stops moving they can’t breathe and they die?

Sir, at what point did anypony ask to know about-

Did you know that blue and red paint mixed together create purple paint?

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Oh, and then we get this load of bullshit.

She smiled at me, and hugged me. "Thanks for talking to me, Cameron."

I grinned. "No problem, Luna."

She let me go, and I walked out. I felt like I went through to her and told her that everything is gonna be okay....

BULL SHIT!

Come fucking on! You seriously expect me to believe that some random stranger can just come up to her, tell her that Luna is okay and she would be okay?! Luna, who has been tormented by the guilt of being jealous of her sister and letting her anger get the better of her to become a demon known as Nightmare Moon, who almost destroyed everything she cared about, is brought peace by this unknown stranger, when her sister Celestia, her sister’s pupil, Twilight, her niece, Cadence, couldn’t?! Hell, even her fucking nephew, Blueblood would have made more fucking sense!

No, instead we get random ass Human-guy here, a character who I don’t even bother remembering the name, who comes in and tells Luna that everything is okay and that Luna believes it!

Embrasser Mes Fesses!

Yeah, I can insert random languages too! That doesn’t mean you should!

After that chapter, the group goes to Canterlot where they find that Princess Cadence has been abducted.

She must have been. She’s not in the Crystal Empire right now.

They find out that Queen Chrysalis kidnapped her as she appears in the castle to make her threats.

Okay, why did Chrysalis appear boasting about how she kidnapped Cadence? Isn’t she a shape shifter? Last I checked she was. So, wouldn’t she take on the guise of Cadence to avoid suspicion? Yeah, it was done exactly the same way in the series, but at least it would make more sense than her saying “Yeah, I kidnapped the princess and am holding her hostage over in that castle over there. Don’t ask me why I’m telling you this! I’m just evil!”

And then we see the witty remarks of one of our heroes. Well, I say witty, but frankly it’s… No, I’m just going to let the remark speak for itself.

"That's too good for a guess!" Chrysalis laughed. She looked at Shining Armor. "I have your beloved Princess Cadence."

"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.

… I’m going to give you a moment to let that line sink in…

"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.

… Okay, let’s do this…

This line is probably the saddest attempt at witty one liners I have ever seen.  First off, Dominic has never met Chrysalis before, so how could he know what her plans were? If this had come from Twilight or Rainbow Dash, it would have made more sense, because they actually interacted with her!

Second, this actually gets the castle guards to start laughing. Why? Where’s the humor? Is that really such a powerful line that it would cause someone to drop dead laughing? Did you really think it was funny enough for soldiers, who just learned that their princess had been kidnapped to break out in laughter?

Oh, but he’s not done yet. He has more witty lines like…

"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.

Oh, yeah, Spider-Man and Danny Phantom are angered with jealousy over this guy’s wit. Hell, Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud of this kid.

I recently sat down with this kid to ask him what other one liners he would use. He said…

“You have two eyes!”

“Your butt makes poop!”

“I’m holding up two fingers!”

With such witty dialogue, what does Chrysalis do?

She growled. "You have not seen the last of me!" She hissed, as she disappeared.

Yes… she disappears. The characters don’t do anything. They don’t attack her or force her to retreat. This is the line right before she runs away.

"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.

Was that really that insensitive? Was Chrysalis really broken up by that line?

Nopony insults my favorite animal, you meanie head. You’re a meanie, poopy head!.

Anyway, Twilight asks Human-guy and his friends to rescue Cadence, because Twilight and her friends are incapable, for whatever bullshit reason the author wants to make up, and the group of humans go to see Princess Celestia.

Celestia starts giving them weapons.

Wait, what?

"I forgot to give you something." Her horn glowed, revealing an axe, a double-sword, a bo staff, a greatsword, a katana, and a shortsword. "Take these with you. They'll aid you."

… Who does she think she is?! The elves from Lord of the Rings?! Where the hell did she keep these weapons?! Do they have stupid names for them too?! Like NoWacking?! Why doesn’t Celestia give me weapon?!

She gave you a shotgun.

Under extreme protest.

Touché.

After we were told where to go,

Oh, believe me, I can tell you where to go. They begin to walk to Queen Chrysalis’s place. Seriously, that is exactly how it is worded in the story.

we began to walk to Queen Chrysalis' place.

They come across 3 dogs, that were like humans.

We came across 3 dogs, that were like humans.

Seriously, is this a summary of the story? Wouldn’t that explain a lot?

They were arguing...kinda reminds me of the trolls from The Hobbit.

Yes, we can clearly see that out of the nothing that they are arguing about.

"I'm a human...and who...or what...are you?"

"We're the Diamond Dogs!"

"Heh. That's ironic!" I heard Austin scoff behind me.

… … … Ironic? Ironic because of what? … Ironic? … Ironic? Do you even know what Ironic means? … Ironic? How is what their names are ironic? How? Explain it to me! How?! Is it because of the Diamond Dogs in Metal Gear?! Because that’s coincidence! That’s not ironic at all!

Is it because of the song by David Bowe?! Not ironic either! Coincidence!

Or the book by Alan Watt?!

The movie, Diamond Dogs?!

The performers from Moulin Rouge?!

What the hell ironic about their names?!

Is it because they hunt diamonds?! And they’re dogs?! Where the hell is the irony in that?! Somepony explain this to me, because clearly I am far too stupid to figure it out!

After defeating the ‘ironically named’ Diamond Dogs, our group continues on their quest, but not before Human-guy starts to hit on Rarity. Frankly, this sounds like there is going to be a three-some at the end and Fluttershy and Rarity are going to be totally okay with that, regardless of how much it doesn’t make sense.

As soon as we arrived, it barely looked like a "place".

Then what the hell did it look like?!

I mean, sure, it kinda does on the outside, but once you enter Chrysalis' Castle, it looks like a hive; ponies were cocooned and sticky-like stuff were all over the place...just like spiders, and I have a very high case of arachnophobia. Trust me.

Oh, why start now? And literally, the next paragraph down…

I looked at the greatsword in my hand. "Guys..." They looked at me. "I think we need to slash all of this webbing."  That's odd. Normally, I have arachnophobia. Now I feel...courageous.

Oh, good. That totally vital plot point that ultimately amounted to nothing is resolved. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sleep tonight.

Oh, and something I just noticed, yeah, there are ponies trapped in cocoons here, and yet, our heroes completely ignore them. There is no mention of rescuing any of them, they just mention them and then move on.

Geez, with heroes like these who needs villains?

So, they start exploring the castle for a half-hour, as Queen Chrysalis has set up no defenses around her castle. No guards. No traps. Not even a locked door. It’s like she want them to come straight for her after boasting how she captured Princess Cadence. It’s almost like building an exhaust port that is the only means of destroying your planet destroying death machine.

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They find Cadence who has been … tied up?

… What kind of sick and twisted games have you been playing with her, Chrysalis?

… Wait, it’s not one of those stories?

Oh good. I was afraid we were going to have another WonderFall moment. Lord knows, I’ve had enough of that.

They rescue Cadence, but then Chrysalis attacks them with her henchmen.

"Great...a trap!" Dash yelled.

I would use Admiral Akbar here, but frankly the trap is pretty weak, since the Changelings are defeated pretty fucking easily. Also, I just used a Star Wars joke.

Also, I just thought of something, what the hell was the point of Chrysalis kidnapping Cadence? Why kidnap her in the first place? There was no ransom note, no demands, or any ultimatum of any kind! She just kidnapped Cadence for the sake of kidnapping her. Was Chrysalis taking lessons from the Underpants Gnomes about evil plans?

Phase 1: Kidnap Princess Cadence

Phase 2: ???

Phase 3: Profit!

So, Chrysalis, after watching her soldiers get taken out, reveals her master plan for ridding herself of the humans. A plan so diabolical and grand in scale, that the heroes will have to use everything they have to defeat her! A scheme so terrible it makes great villains like Darkseid, Thanos, Dr. Doom, Darth Vader, and Dr. Evil to shame!

Her plan is…

"FINE! IF MY MINIONS CAN'T DEFEAT YOU, I WILL!" She shouted, as she disappeared.

… to run away? Interesting tactic…

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They escape Chrysalis’s Castle and make their way back to Ponyville. Celestia holds a big celebration for them. Our heroes decide they want to stay in Equestria, because they made such good friends in the … what? Barely 4 lines of dialogue they each had. None of which was talking to another character outside of Human-guy. So this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

And they title themselves the Equestria Warriors…

Wait, they are the Equestria Warriors?! I’ve read about them in my history book! These humans are famous in Equestria! Children of all ages read about these warriors and their exploits! Which involves them dying in their first mission against the Flim-Flam brothers’ Super Beastly Dragon Thingy 6000, making them the worst heroes Equestria ever had.

Jeez, this story is worse than the first one!

Now, let me be clear on this. I’m not going to criticize your work. I’m just going to tell you what you need to fix.

First, the characters. These characters are never explored upon in this story. We never see who they are, what they do, what their personalities are, what their likes and dislikes are, how they interact with each other, how they interact with the main six, what their reactions are to Equestria, what their reactions are to Celestia, they are just blank slates. They are blank pieces of paper that somehow were shaped into human beings, with no personality or humanity about them. They simply exist to waste our time.

The plot makes no sense. Why the hell would Chrysalis kidnap Cadence? There was no reason to kidnap her. There was no ransom, no demands, no plan whatsoever. It makes Chrysalis look like an idiot to have her kidnap Cadence for no reason and it does not give you credit as an author for doing so.

Third, the descriptions are the worst. They never give us anything outside of who said what. A story is supposed to create a world, an environment, and a mood. This story does none of that. Even the actions scenes were boring to read. You know why? Because, there was never any action in the story. The story literally says…

We held up our weapons, shooting out powerful beams of energy at the Changelings. They all were on the ground.

That was our big climax. The climax for the story against Chrysalis’s army. Done in two sentences. This should have been a big moment where everything comes together. But no, it doesn’t do any of that.

The portrayal of the main six is awful. They never once feel like the characters from the show. All they do is stand around and witness how great Human-guy and his barely namable friends are. That is all they have a purpose to. They have no business being in this story.

My advice, start taking other ponies advice! As I look into the comment section of this story, there have been countless other before me, who are probably a lot smarter than me, that have offered you advice and help on your story. You have taken none of it. That does not make a good artist. When you mess up, let people help you. It’s how you get better. It’s how you improve.

But like so many other, smarter ponies than I, you won’t take my advice and you will continue to be bitter. You have my sympathies.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to play catch up with the rest of you. Have a good day guys.

Sequel September: Prince Martin Willis Two

Warning this review contains sexual scenarios, and detailed sexual events. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Oh, god… Almost done with Sequel September. And oh boy, has it been a rough one. I can’t wait to get this month over and done with for another year. Let’s just get started. What’s the last review I have to do for this month?

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No… No…no… not that one… not that one…

I’ve already reviewed that one… I’ve already reviewed it…

No! No! No! NOOOO!

*Three Hours Later*

Okay… I think I’m better now… It’s just that… The last time I reviewed a story with Prince Martin Willis in it, I nearly lobotomized myself because of how incomprehensible it was!

Here’s the summery of that story as best as I can make it out. Martin Willis, who is apparently so cool that the United States government made him a personal Portal Gun, like the one you see in the Portal games, travels to Aqusteria (the poor people’s version of Equestria)

Martin then starts having sex with everypony around. And I’m not just saying that. I mean, he literally has sex with everypony in the story. The main six and even Celestia. Keep in mind that he has sex with Celestia after Discord had issued a threat against Aquestria, summing up the priorities of our main hero.

Top it all off with poor grammar, formatting, and punctuation, what results is a mess of story that is not only difficult to read, but is also uninteresting because of the bland fight scene and repetitive sex scenes.

And much to my horror, there was a sequel to that story. You can just feel my enthusiasm coming from my text, can’t you?

Let’s just get this over with. This is Prince Martin Willis Two Official Unofficial sEventh Member (LOL) of the Mane Six And no, that is not a typo. That is really how it is spelled.

We start with the description  and…

After falling through a portle to aquestria. After the defeat of the discord. Prince Martin Willis hangs with twilight and the owl only things dont go as they possibly would be.

Dear lord, what is wrong with this description?! I haven’t even gotten to the story yet! I’m not even in chapter 1 yet, and I have already lost faith that there is anything salvageable in this story.

Please… pray for me…

Okay, let’s analyze this … aside from the terrible grammar, spelling, and punctuation, this story says that ‘he hangs out with Twilight and the Owl.’ So, is Spike just not in the story anymore? That’s odd. He was in the last one, and frankly, he was Martin’s apprentice, who banged pretty much everypony in the story. I think the only two he didn’t bang was Applejack and Celestia.

I guess they are Martin’s special pets.

The reason why I bring this up is because for all the talk he does of hanging out with Twilight, he does the opposite. He barely interacts with Twilight in this one. And you’ll see that as we go down the road, but it was like he had one idea where the story was going to go and then changed it halfway, and it makes it incredibly clunky.

Our story starts with our group celebrating after defeating the hentai Discord. Yes, Discord had apparently been reading some Japanese Hentai Porn books. Who knew?

There was much sex and love and also Twilight married Willis but he was allowed to sleep with anything that needed help.

So, he’s married to Twilight out of love, but will have sex with any ‘thing’ that needed help? I should be angry about Twilight being cheated on, but… I’m still fascinated by the thing part of that sentence!

This is kind of a sexual fetishism, isn’t it? Is there a term for someone who is willing to have sex with inanimate objects? Because I think that there needs to be. Granted, it doesn’t say that it has to be an inanimate object, but I’m just saying that this character is willing to have sex with anything!

So, do animals and insects count? Is this guy affected by Zoophila? I mean, we know that he is, but I thought that was just limited to ponies. Apparently, it involves birds, frogs, lizards, rhinos, elephants, spiders, and rats.

And if a flower bed is a little dry, would the character…

Sorry, it’s just…  that’s what I’d rather be doing than reading this story.

So, they start smoking pot and it’s clear that Druggie should come at any minute to smoke some with these characters. Why not? Spike is there and according to the story, “he’s so fucking high, right now” Oh, and apparently he’s having sex with Twilight. I can’t say I’m super surprised by this. What else did I expect from a story that did nothing but that in the last one?

I have to say after reading the first story, my expectations are in the gutter. And so is this story for that matter.

And of course, Martin, who I am now renaming Blowup Doll since well, that’s all he is, let’s Spike have sex with his wife, because…

cause we are tight)

Ah, yes. We be tight in the hood yo. He be bitchin’ my bitch all night long diggity dog jog mog! I be pimpin’ yo homey dog!

Gangsta slang. It makes you sound more intelligent.

Openly I disdained him for the comment of cruel and unacceptable misdirection of hatred over his rival and stuck my tongue out for the pleasing of twilights nerves to be much eased. But spike and I high fived because we are buds and that was the truth. And it was funny.

This is to give you guys an idea of how unreadable this story is. I do not know what I just read, but I’m sure it had to do with sex. Why? Well, that’s because sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex , sex…

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Also guys my cutie mark is no longer a portle gun

Because I got bored with that idea because I sucked at Portal. And let’s face it, the United States government were idiots to hand me a portal gun.

because I have defeated the discord and saved Equestria with it. So it became the heads of the mane six since my goal is to make them feel sexy.

Considering the way artist draw some of these characters sometimes, I don’t think they need much help from you.

Also I still have one secret power that no ones knows left for special use within the later part of this.

Pfft, oh great. Way to give away the ending. Why don’t you put a spoiler alert on before you do that? Like I do.

You have not done that since Apple’s Blossom.

Oh, you are just so smart, aren’t you?

Someone has to be.

Walked into that one, didn’t I?

I owed you for the comment you made last week.

The owl was marked for terrestrial switching since the entry of our world was inside of us all and he understood the power of being awake with knowledge and it was misbegotten with fear of the people that surround us in our every day life of horror and boredom.

I really don’t understand what is being said there, so I can’t really make fun of it.

So, the character continues to have sex with the other characters, until Celestia brings in… Nightmare Moon?

And Celest brought Nightmare Moon.

Huh? So, I guess, Luna is dead in this Aquestria and Nightmare Moon lives. There really isn’t an explanation for this, it just sort of is. Nightmare Moon is the new Luna apparently. That actually explains a lot in this story. Isn’t it obvious? I mean, Aquestria should have tipped us off, but my god, I’ve actually figured it out!

In the beginning Aquestria was ruled by Luna and Celestia, but one day Luna became jealous of her sister. She transformed into the evil Nightmare Moon and battled Celestia. But then at the last second, the Grand Ruler attacked Nightmare Moon using the power of the Uniforce which cast her to the moon. Meanwhile, on the moon, Nightmare Moon traveled to Alicornia to use the Honest Warmachines to defeat the evil Sombra, turning her into a hero. She soon had sex with Soren the Alicorn and that made her a good guy. But then, Luna comes out of Nightmare Moon’s body and battles the heroic Nightmare Moon. The battle is eventually won when Sephiroth teams up with Nightmare Moon to defeat her! And then they travel back to Aquestria where they are to this day.

Makes sense, right?!

“My students fuck off. I must talk to Willis in the deepest of secret aloneness” she decreed with a massive voice of booming authority and a stamp of massive preportions that uncontrollably made us all be controlled to obey.

So… is Celestia now… Critique-lestia?

*shutters* Let that haunt your nightmares.

So, Blowup Doll starts to have sex with Celestia because…

Because Twilight is purple and that is a cooler color than white and even Lessy knew of such things as the hard truth of the matter despite our deep connection and forever love.

Ah, so he is racist. Purple ponies are ponies too!

“Nightmare Moon is having a bad day and she loves you since you saved the world and wants to be with you super quick if that is ok.”

This line makes me think that the characters in it are getting bored of him, since they want him to end it ‘super quick’. Wouldn’t surprise me? They’ve foregone food, sleep and work all to have sex with this one human.

For that matter, wouldn’t his gonads start hurting after a while? I realize I’m not the leading expert on humans, but it just seems like that would be the first thing that would be a problem?

For that matter, how is he still going? What? Did he take a truckload of Cialis before having this party?

I squeezed her plot and gave her the thumbs up sign with one hand while touching her pony boobs with the other.

I think the author needs a lesson in pony anatomy. Believe me, I’ve been looking for pony boobs most of my life, and have yet to find one.

“It will be as you shall want it martin and I hereby command you my student to go make love to Nightmare Moon.”

(Also I replaced Twilight as her favorite because we all agreed that that was better since I really was better than all the mane six combined.

Ha, ha, ha. No, you’re not, you prick.

I kissed Nightmare Moons butt and rubbed her other place and all six of her boobs. (she had six boobs because she is a pony nympho)

Huh? I guess Robin Williams was right. There was a woman with six boobs once.

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Rest in Peace, Robin. Thank you for years of entertainment and fun.

However, suddenly, the plot finally arrives. No, not that kind of plot. Lord knows, we’ve seen enough of those.

It turns out Owlowiscious, who is just called the owl in this story, so that’s what I’m calling him, burst into the room and turns out reveals a prophesy. Yes, apparently, the owl can talk.

“The owl is awake and he is superhigh and has a freaking spell book! We are royally screwed my students.”

Wow, maybe this is Critique-lestia. It would certainly explain her vulgar mouth. Though I’m not a huge fan of him… her… it, having sex with Blowup doll.

weeping and batting her wings and waving her hair while lifting her arms skyward with fear that twisted the joy from our loving and caused us to be deeply depressed with woa.

Sorry, we don’t serve depressed with woa, here. You might want to go the Woa-Mart down on Woa-Street next to the Woa-fful stand.

So, apparently the Owl, who I guess is voiced by Morgan Freeman, tells Blowup Doll that a great destiny is about to befall him.

And then… he wakes up?

… Huh?

So… what the hell just happened?

Was that entire opening a dream? Was everything a dream? In the story, he wakes up and is in bed with Twilight, but where the hell did the dream come from? Where did it start? I was pretty sure that it was all real. Was none of it real and it was just some perverted fantasy? We see that none of the things in the opening are fictional since they actually appear in the story, adding no consistency to what the hell is going on!

I don’t know. Screw this story.

“This is the worstest news that has ever happened”

The new Super Smash Brothers doesn’t have Mewtwo in it!

“Because I have just had an unbelievable dream featuring the voice of a famous dude who was on the earth back when I lived there and not in Equestria as your boyfriend.

Wait, so they aren’t married? So, was the part of you two being married the only thing that was fictionalized or was all of it fictionalized and Blowup Doll only wished that he could get everypony to sleep with him? Well, that can’t be the case because we clearly saw in the last story that everypony wanted to sleep with him.

Oh, the brain damage I’m going to have by reading this. And bear in mind, I’m still on the first chapter.

So, the owl… starts smoking weed and talking to the characters? … If the owl could talk, what was the point of even…

You know what, I don’t care.

We then get a five page rant about his ‘loser friend’ Jack Rentonn. Apparently, this Jack Rentonn beat him at a Portal tournament years ago and Blowup Doll has grown bitter about it. So, we are supposed to relate to the guy who is angry at someone because they beat them at a video game?

Blowup Doll says that Jack is a dick and a slut puppet, which would be the pot calling the kettle black, but frankly, we never see any evidence of Jack being any of those things. We never see flashbacks of him, we never see any kind of interaction with him and the main character. So in an effort to make us relate to the main character by adding this, … ‘bully’, he ends up alienating the main character even further by not only giving us weak reasons why this character hates Jack, but he doesn’t show us anything that could prove that Jack really is an asshole.

It’d be like just telling you that Darth Vader is a bad guy, but not showing anything he does that is bad. We need some kind of evidence.

And he only won because I am over PORTAL now and much more into the mane six. Who are not stupid like jack rentonn. Whose last name also sucks.

He caused the bubonic plague, World War II and nearly got rid of all Hostess products! Truly, Jack Rentonn is the devil!

So, I guess, a curse is put on all the characters as Twilight begins to lose all hope like she did in the episode with Discord, by… turning them all male?

… Sure, whatever.

As such, this is actually a problem for Blowup Doll, after all, who else is he going to masturbate to?

So, what’s the most logical thing to do in this situation?

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After that, they go to Granny Smith to find out how they can reverse the curse. Look, just because she’s old, doesn’t mean she knows about curses and magic and such?! Isn’t that right, Granny?

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So, Granny doesn’t have any information, making me wonder what the point of that scene was, and they go to the Crystal Empire to see if Shining Armor and Cadance know anything.

Suddenly noticing the mane six on my cute mark I eyed myself unsatisfied because I couldn’t come before because my issues get hard. And with tears that brought down my face with exrushiating sadness that filled me with discord like despair. I started to molest myself with pitable exstacy and exacting grunts of bliss.

Oh, good, I finally know where the inspiration for this story came from. Thanks for reenacting that for me. I really wanted to know that ‘essential detail’!

Spike, fortunately for us, starts berating Blowup Doll for acting like this. Alright, Spike tell that asshole off…

“because you are leaving me to love all the ponies while you screw yourself. And while I enjoy screwing the princesses and sleeping granny cause she asked and making them pleased with my tongue I am only a fing dragon and I don’t have a massive horse weenie like you.”

Hey, Stitch, can I join you?

Oh, great, this story has broken Stitch. I hope you’re happy, story. I hope you’re happy!

So, Blowup Doll tosses Spike into a tree, breaks his bones into a million pieces and effectively kills him.

Oh, thank god. Now, Spike can go back to being in better stories.

“Dude what the heck!” He scratched his head sorely peeved and upset and full of deep dislike of the most equal kind. (because there is no hate in Equestria)

Yeah, because killing someone because they insulted you really speaks volumes about compassion, doesn’t it? Makes about as much sense as calling somepony a loving dictator, who enslaves his ponies?

Isn’t that the most loving, compassionate, non-threating in anyway dictator you’ve ever seen in your life?

Spike, quite easily, forgives Blowup Doll because…

"Because we are deep bros and that is more than meets the eye."

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So, they decide to go see Zecora to see if she can help them figure out what is going on. Wait, what happened to Cadance and Shining Armor? Did you decide that real love didn’t have a place in this story? Instead, we have to settle for ‘diet love’?

So, he rides on the back of Celestia… No. Only one gets to ride on Princess Celestia’s back and that is Princess Elincia Ridell Crimea!

Somepony do a crossover of this! This needs to happen!

Anyway, they fly to where Cadance the Wise lives. No, I’m not making that up. It’s really how it is written in the story. I think this is the first story I’ve read where Cadance gets a compliment. Point to this story.

Also, what about Zecora?! Where the hell are we going?! I swear, I’ve seen Spongebob’s driving skills that had a clearer path!

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As they travel, Blowup Doll starts to think back about his life on Earth.

i remembered what it was like in the past as a game player of Portal (i know you said no portles but the game is the past of him and it must be slightly here to give him flavors.)

… Bleh… Rocky Road…

i was the champion of every torunement ever made for the game and because ethe epic of the skill that possessed my hands with fire of mad skill.

You know, except that time you lost to Jack, because he’s the devil!

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Also, didn’t you say you were over Portal? You just said you were over Portal!

… I don’t know why I am expecting an intelligent response here. There hasn’t been any intelligence thus far.

Scientists studied the way that i was genious.

The scientists were kind of stupid that way.

They gave me the gun and whispered with long feathered fingers angling deep into my back.

… Okay, moving on…

So, it turns out that the Scientist actually created a Portal gun personally for him and then convinced him that he was destined to save the another world and then shipped him off to Aquestria.

I know this was probably not what the author intended, but who else was thinking that humanity started doing this when Prince Blowup Doll was gone?

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So, they get lost to on their way to the Crystal Empire, which makes no sense because Celestia should already know where it is. But lucky our hero, Blowup Doll, is here to comfort her. And how does he comfort her? …Oh, just play the music already. You know what comes next…

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So, after the about a millionth sex scene in this story, leaving me surprised that Blowup Doll’s dick hasn’t fallen off, they finally get to Zecora’s hut.

Zecora’s cave was the best most evil looking good guy cave with mountianish eyes that stole the bowls of seals and perpetuated nightmares in the fears of the best of corrosive vats made to destroy the ugliness of creatures.

Translation: I have no idea what African Culture is and have no intention of learning about them making this section of my story completely racist.

“effing this is my cave and you can see that sh’t is everywhere that hat can be.” she was totally depressed so I squeezed her but cheeks together and licked her stripe.

Oh, good more evidence of racism. I’m so glad this author is turning this character into an African-American stereotype.

“This is a pet for you and enjoy it you.” She rhymed like an expert

Because an expert would rhyme ‘you’ and… ‘you’…

Okay, I’d never thought I’d say this, but…

I REALLY never thought I would say this…

But…


Bring back, Rhymey…

God, I hate you… Give Mykan some fucking credit, at least all of Rhymey’s dialogue, annoying as it was, at least rhymed. Yes, I just gave Rhymey, the most annoying and most rage inducing character in My Little Unicorn, fucking credit…

I need a moment…

After that…

Zecora handed me a dugong and it meeped. “His name is Louie the dugong and he is awesome and long.”

No, but it would make this story a little bit cooler. And it would at least give a reason to have a Pokemon battle since the dugong in this story is pretty damn pointless.

So, Blowup Doll thanks Zecora by…

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God, I've seen entire seasons of Game of Thrones that didn't have as much fucking as this story!

Spike bursts into the room and starts whining about how he’s not as big as Blowup Doll is and wants to be bigger.

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I know, I know, but how could I not use that clip?

So, he drinks a potion that Zecora just happens to have and manages to get bigger than Blowup Doll. Which means that Blowup Doll has to whine about not being the biggest game in town anymore. I think we are supposed to feel bad for Blowup Doll, but at this point, I’m still wondering why he is still doing Zecora at this point?

Anyway, the finally get directions from Zecora to travel northward to the Crystal Empire…

Last chapter… let’s just get through this…

So, we finally arrive at the castle of Cadance the Wise.

Using alicorn magics Lessy commanded the door to unfurl like a sail when shot against the breeze of a sea turtles heart beat amid torrents of screaming and defiant bloodbaths of gushing horrors.

Wow… that was probably the most over descriptive and yet not descriptive at all opening of doors I have ever seen. That’s really kind of fascinating how that happened. I’m not even sure what to say about it except… the hell?

So when they enter the room, they see… Cadance has Shining Armor tied up and is whipping him while wearing an executioner’s mask?

…

…

…

…

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So… after that image… they ask Cadance how they can reverse the main six being males. Cadance reveals that all they have to do is say a magic word and they will revert back to women.

Pfft, of course. It was just so obvious…

However, it turns out there is a catch, if Blowup Doll doesn’t say the magic words to them by tonight, they will remain male forever!

Knowing that it took them a whole month to the Crystal Empire, which makes no sense, they know they will not be able to save Aquestria’s main six. Gee, I hope this is the part where the author comes up with the miraculous power that he’s been saving since chapter one! Because if not, that line would be awkward and totally pointless, but if it is … oh, boy!

And he manages to pull something out of his ass… quite literally actually… as the main six appear from his cutie mark.

…

…

…

…

I’m sorry… I need a moment…

So, he says the magic words and turns the main six back to females and they all live happily ever… SHUT THE FUCK UP!

THIS STORY?! I MEAN, MY GOD! MY FUCKING GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU ABSOULTELY SERIOUS?! THIS… IS… SHIT!

This story is a masterpiece of absolute shit! I mean, my god. What sick, twisted, perverted mind possibly thought this could even amount to anything?

I’ve never seen anything so consistently bad or writing this consistently awful.

But, to be honest, and you all are going to think I’m crazy, but … it’s actually worth checking out.

Troll fic or not, this is the My Little Pony Fan Fiction equivalent of My Immortal. One of those fan fics that is so bad, that it is actually kind of enjoyable.

This is the kind of story that has to be seen to be believed. There is no way anypony in the right mind set could have come up with this story. It had to be the work of a deranged mind.

So, if you are looking for some bat-shit crazy fan fic that every sentence is a gold mine of horribleness, this is the fan fic for you.

Huff… Finally, I’m done with Sequel September and Prince Willis. I will never ever have to…

Book two of the trilogy.

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Book two of the trilogy.

trilogy.

trilogy

***

Silver sat on his soft bed, thoughts of his ultimate enemy’s demise filling his fantasies. Ever since the Critique’s review of his life story, Silver couldn’t stop thinking about this simple earth stallion who would insult him. He looked over to the alicorn sitting at the desk across from him. “Where was I?”

The old stallion glanced over to him. “You have just captured the Critique and now you have him at your mercy, my young prince.”

Silver smiled as those words reached his ears. “Ah, yes. The moment of my revenge.” He then gave a sigh as he put his hoof on his forehead. “Ah, but now I have no idea where to go next. So many options.”

A knock came at the great golden doors to his room. “My son.” The door to reveal King Crown as he trotted into the room. “The meeting is about to start, my son. Why are you not ready?”

Silver shook his head. “My apologies, father, but I am busy writing my auto-biography.” King Crown raised his eyebrow. “Father, how would I kill the Critique? Would I dangle him over a vat of acid? Tie him to a railroad tracks? Or strap him to a rocket and shoot him to the sun?”

King Crown shook his head and made his way to Silver’s side. “I do not understand what is your obsession with this one anti-alicorn.

Silver shot a glare at his father. “That pony insulted me! Nopony insults me!” Silver raised his head and placed his hoof on his chest. “I am a messiah!

King Crown placed his hoof on his son’s shoulder. “Yes, yes. I understand, my son. But why settle for just one minnow, when you could have the entire ocean?”

Silver shook his head. “I do not understand, father.”

King Crown marched over to the nearby window, his head held high. “We are so close to the subjugation of Equestria. It is only a matter of time before our window of opportunity presents itself.” He glanced back at Silver. “Of course, you would know this if you attended the meetings.”

Silver turned his head away from King Crown and scoffed. Crown made his way back to his son. “And when Equestria is under our banner, I will gave you the anti-alicorn to do with as you please.”

A moment of silence crept in the air as Silver placed his hoof on his chin. “I think I’ll shoot him to the sun.”

King Crown chuckled. “That’s my boy.” He moved towards the exit. “Now come. We have a meeting to attend.”

Silver began to follow his father, but before he could make the doorway, he turned towards the old stallion standing over the parchment. “Keep writing. And make sure that everypony realizes how magnificent I am! Even the Critique!”

The old stallion nodded. “As always, my young, handsome prince.”

Silver smiled as he followed his father out the door.

Nightmare Month: Dashies Revenge

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And this is my fake Transylvanian accent, which none of you can hear from a computer screen with just text on it…

Regardless, I welcome you all to Nightmare Month!

Yes, Nightmare Month. The month where we celebrate our esteemed Princess of the Night. A time of year where fear is the norm, pranks come in all shapes and sizes, the night reigns supreme for an entire month.

And what better way to celebrate this horrifying time of the year than with the most horrifying fan fictions I could find. In more ways than one I would imagine.

I celebrate the darkest and most macabre of fan fictions as they attempt to be edgy and new, when really it’s the same thing we’ve seen over and over without any real effort put into it.

So, as you could imagine, it becomes quite unbearable to sit through what are the worst ‘horror’ stories in the world. With that said, let’s just jump into our story. Today I will be looking at Dashie’s Revenge by Mr Gusta

Before we begin our story, the description must be addressed.

As dash was getting ready for a daily nap she was interrupted, some pony wanted to race her.

Should she have let her reputation down for once and napped? If she had known the outcome, she would have happily slept instead of raced of only she could see the future.

Normally, I don’t address these, but I felt that I should for this particular story. This story had the potential for a great set up for introducing readers to an intriguing idea.

Of course, it’s brought to a halt when you look at the poor grammar for this. It’s not even part of the story and already I have to force myself to read it. That’s not a good start for your story.

We begin are story proper with this...

It started off as a normal day for Rainbow Dash,

And now I’m done reading.

That is what your audience just said. That opening line was horrible! While it is spelled correctly and it does practice basic grammar, it does not make me want to read the story! I don’t want to read about Rainbow Dash’s normal day or how it started! I want to read about why Rainbow Dash would want revenge or why I should be reading this story instead of another.

The first line in a story is probably the most important part of it. It gets the reader invested in what you are selling. It makes them want to read more and makes them continue reading. This story has the same boring opening that most bad stories have and it makes it a drag to read through!

Now a good opening, like Brandon Sanderson’s Rithmatist (good book by the way) starts off strong. The first sentence in the book immediately draws you in with some action and suspense. You don’t know the details of what is going on right away, but it attracts your interests and makes you want to read more.

Okay, back to this story, Rainbow Dash decides to take a nap on a nearby cloud when suddenly a Pegasus appears before her.

“Hey Rainbow Dash, remember me?” the Pegasus asked.

:rainbowdetermined2: Sure do! You owe me money, damn you!

Actually, Rainbow Dash doesn’t remember her, but tries to hide that fact.

“Uh, sure I do, you where a good flyer” Dash tried to avoid answering because she doesn’t remember the Pegasus in front of her.

:rainbowderp: I don’t seem to remember where you flew, but I’m sure it wasn’t where you were supposed to.

Or we could go the other way the word is pronounced and it would look something like this…

:rainbowderp: What kind of monster would wear Derpy’s skin for a coat?!

What? It’s Nightmare Month; I can use all the creepy imagery I want.

“I remember back in Clouds Dale, we had to race each other, you won by allot”

Wow, no wonder this Pegasus is pissed off at Rainbow Dash, she’d been assigned to win, rather than win through skill.

“Oh yeh, I remember you” Dash said this is the most convincing tone she could.

It’s really sad when the author has to tell you what the character is feeling, rather than having the characters themselves show us how they are feeling.

Translation: SHOW, DON’T TELL!

So, the Pegasus asks Rainbow Dash for a rematch and Rainbow Dash agrees.

“You think you can win a race against Ponyvile’s fastest and best pony? Not counting you lost to me all the time” Rainbow Dash exclaimed these points with pride. She forgot she had no idea who this blue coloured Pegasus with a green mane was.

How could she remembered her beating her all the time, when she has no idea who the hell she is? Even the story admits that she couldn’t remember and yet she claims she does remember?! Does she just have selective memoires?!

So, the race is established and the Pegasus burst off, leaving Rainbow Dash for a moment, giving her an unfair head start.

However, Rainbow Dash quickly catches up with the Pegasus, making me wonder what in the world would make this Pegasus think she could out fly Rainbow Dash.

The blue pony was so upset, and left to think to think of how else he could win, he didn’t notice one key factor. As Dash was turning the corner she caught a glimpse of a blue and green blur, heading towards her.

Wait, what?

By the time the blue pony realised he was heading off course, it was too late. With a loud thud, the blue Pegasus hovered in one spot, trying to think what happened.

What?!

He started to fly down, watching Rainbow Dash’s unconscious body falling, trying to catch up to her and save her.

What the hell is going on?! I have no sense of what is going on and way of telling! Are they in the middle of the race?! The most that I can gather is Rainbow Dash runs into something! What does she almost run into?! How does it knock her unconscious?! What hit her?! I’m guessing it’s another Pegasus, but you’ve established a blue Pegasus! Are you saying that the Pegasus from the race ran into her?! How does that make sense?! He was way behind Rainbow Dash! Did Rainbow Dash just stop at a fly thru restaurant or something?!

Rainbow Dash wakes up and discovers her friends crying over her. She asks what the heck is going on, but it turns out that her physical body is lying on the ground and that her spirit is out of her body. She tries to speak to the others, but they can’t hear her.

Oh, great, it’s Pinkie Pie’s suicide all over again. As if I don’t get enough of these stories.

Rainbow Dash’s friends attend Rainbow’s funeral and Rainbow Dash has just suddenly come to terms with the face that she is a ghost.

… Yeah, I bet you were expecting something to do with her journey into accepting her death. For her to suffer through the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. … No, they just go from Denial to Acceptance without any kind of journey through the other stages.

That would be like my grandfather dying and just accepting it as soon as it happens.

Critique’s Father: Grandfather died.

Critique: That’s not possible.

Critique’s Father: Nope, he’s gone.

Critique: Okay. That’s fine. I accept it.

USE YOUR BRAIN! THAT’S WHY IT’S THERE!

At the funeral, Rainbow Dash’s friends say a few words that cause Rainbow Dash to cry. What are those words that were spoken in Rainbow Dash’s honor? Well, allow me to share these heartfelt moments with you. Warning this part of the review contains highly emotional material. Prepare your feels.

:ajbemused: That asshole thought she was better than me and stole cider behind my back! I’m glad she’s gone!

:flutterrage: She lied to me about Angel committing suicide! I will never forgive her! May she rot in hell!

:pinkiecrazy: Life’s a party! Rainbow Dash’s party has just been... canceled!

Sniff… beautiful words… Beautiful…

So after the funeral, Rainbow Dash decides to try and talk to Fluttershy, even though she can’t be heard or seen.

However, it turns out that Rainbow Dash can interact with objects… Okay, are you just making up rules now? This is worse than Ghost Dad.

She tries to get Fluttershy’s attention, but nothing comes of it.

A few weeks pass and you’d think Rainbow Dash would be able to go to pony heaven or something like that, but no, she just wandering around as a ghost. I’m surprised she hasn’t gone crazy yet.

Rainbow Dash goes back to her gravestone and sees the words…

“long live the Sonic Rain boom”.

Rainbow Dash is pissed off that the Sonic Rainboom is all she will be remembered for.

Uh, Rainbow Dash, most ponies won’t be remembered past their family that actually knew them. Granted, you are the element of Loyalty and probably should be remembered for your heroics in Ponyville, but I’m just saying that being remembered because of the one thing that you were able to do, that nopony else could, might not be such a bad way to go.

Or is this just your arrogance, you prick?!

Rainbow Dash decides that if she can’t be happy with her life than she will torture the pony who she blames for killing her.

Okay, I was wrong. Rainbow Dash is clearly crazy. And what happened to the acceptance part of your death?! I thought you had accepted death! Now, we are in the anger stages of death?!

Elisabeth Kubler Ross doesn’t know shit!

Also, this chapter is pretty much a lie. It says it’s about coming to terms with her death, but then it does a complete 180 and she is pissed off about her being dead! That’s a good way to lie to your audience!

Look, there is misdirection and then there is downright lying!

So, Rainbow Dash decides to find the pony responsible and flies off. Rainbow Dash flies off to a prison, but has little success finding him. However, she does decide that she needs some practice before killing her real target.

She manages to steal a knife and starts cutting open one of the inmates. So, did Rainbow Dash just become Rorschach from Watchmen? Because that would be freaking awesome!

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'SAVE US!'...and I'll whisper 'Buck you.”

Anyway, after killing the guy, Rainbow Dash heads out and decides that she needs more practices if she is to properly kill the pony who killed her.

So, Rainbow Dash finds a random pony on the street and decides to murder him. … No seriously. That’s how she decides to pick her next target.

“This pony will regret walking around” she said happily.

Okay, this makes it sound like Rainbow Dash is vengeful against this random pony wandering the street! There is no reason for it! There is no logical explanation to why she is attacking random citizens! At least in a prison, I could sort of understand, she wants to get rid of bad ponies since she’s a good guy! It’s still out of character, but it’s nowhere near as out of character as this! This makes no sense since we don’t have a logical explanation to why Rainbow Dash would act like this!

The stallion makes his way to Rainbow Dash’s grave and says that nopony will be able to experience the weather with Rainbow Dash’s death.

Because Rainbow Dash is the only pony in all of Equestria who knew how the weather worked…

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Actually, that is her reaction to this whole story.

So, Rainbow Dash attacks him and finds out that…

“I’m inside him” Dash hesitated in disbelief to say these words as she slowly came to realisation, she was now in the Pegasus body.

Oh, god! It’s Prince Martin all over again! I can’t go back to that so soon!

Actually, Rainbow Dash discovers that she has the power to possess others and possess the stallion. Again, making up rules as we go.

So, Rainbow Dash decides to ruin this pony’s life by…

Dash thought as she reared up to Twilights door. Hind legs folding up, ready for the loudest and biggest kick she had ever done. With no second thoughts, Dash released her enormous kick, after the initial bang, Dash could hear Twilight scream as Dash happily skipped away.

“I Will Find You And Make You Pay For This” Twilight yelled as Dash was leaving, without a care in the world.

Doing the equivalent of ringing some pony’s door bell and running away!

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After that, we get Rainbow Dash who appears in the home of her target. As she gets out of the body she is in, she attacks the stallion.

She stabs him in the back and then starts to violently tear his wings off. She then throws him out of the sky and he plummets to his death.

Maybe Rainbow Dash was trying to get payback for Cupcakes.

And then we get this bit of insanity…

Until everything went white, than a new world appeared, a world where she belonged.

That’s right, if you commit murder after somepony unintentionally wrongs you, it’s okay. God is on your side. You are doing the right thing! It is totally justifiable!

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And so is this story!

It’s lazily thrown together. It’s boring as hell. It makes no sense and it tries to capture the ‘Cupcake Formula’ and doesn’t do it very well at all.

I think you are supposed to feel sorry for Rainbow Dash in the end, but what the hell logical conclusion does the story give us that makes us feel that way?! Rainbow Dash has no reason for revenge because nothing was done to wrong her!

And even if you go the route of ‘she’s crazy’, you are justifying her being crazy! Like what she is doing is completely okay! When it isn’t! If you are going to make us relate to a psychopath, actually make us relate to her!

The choices in this story are so bad that its almost kind of fascinating!

Bottom line, a terrible story with nothing shocking, scary or new that we haven’t seen a thousand times before and frankly it wasn’t even great to begin with! It’s just a mess! A clunky, boring mess!

And I’m glad to be done with it. But stay right where you are, because Nightmare Month has only just begun!

Nightmare Month: The Lottery

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night of Nightmare Month.

Let’s talk about vore for a second.

Shut up! It’s Nightmare Month I can talk about whatever scary things I want!

For those of you who don’t know, vore is a sexual fantasy in which somepony is aroused by somepony being consumed. You know those pics you see all over Deviantart where somepony has eaten somepony else whole and yet there is no digestion and it is physically impossible to do!

Yeah, that shit! That shit that has become inexplicably popular for some reason!

However, some vore can be extremely graphic… Like today’s story.

Yeah, since this story we are going to review today is considered “Hard Vore”, you can tell I’m not looking forward to this at all. In fact, I’d down right say that I’m really not going to enjoy this story. But if some of you want to back out now, I will not blame you.

While I’m not opposed to it being a part of horror story, I do have to scratch my head at why or how ponies get off on this. Is it really appealing to have someone eating you? Are zombies considered the ultimate porn? I don’t know and frankly, I really don’t want to know.

So, let the torture begin. This is the review of  The Lottery by Charming Melody

Much thanks to my editor DeadShot262

Oh, good. So I can expect this story to be well edited, well written, with the right spelling and grammar, as well as everything making sense, punctuation where it needs to be, with capitalization on…

Every year in equestrian there is a lottery to deal with the increasing number of mares. This was the annual Ponyville lottery and all are over 13 were required to be present. If you were pregnant with a stallion though, you would be allowed to raise it. The mane six, were headed to city hall, where the numbers would be called.

Or it could be the same poorly written crap that it always is.

As explained in the paragraph you just read, apparently there is some kind of lottery that goes on where mares are brought from all over Ponyville, where they will be chosen for something.

What they didn’t realize was they were being set up on a blind date with a human. The worst kind of date imaginable.

It then goes through the ‘mane’ six, noting each of their reactions. Except it does a lot more telling than actually showing… A lot more…

They were all reacting in their own way. Rarity was wondering if they would make sure she looked beautiful, Pinkie was wondering if she would be served with a sweet sauce, Fluttershy was scared, but knew running away would do nothing for her, and Rainbow dash, could only think of herself, and how awesome she would taste, and Applejack realized that if she were picked, she wouldn’t try to get out of it, as for all she knew the next number could be her sister, or one of her friends.

Okay, there is so much stupid here I have to address them all separately.

First, Rarity. That’s pretty shallow to want them to make her beautiful when they bake her into a pie. Oh, did you miss that? Yeah, the story doesn’t tell you, but every time one of these lottery things are done, they are baked into a whatever. I suppose this is how these ponies get their protein, even though there are several dozen ways of getting protein without resorting to meat.

Yeah, the audience is left wondering what the hell is going on. I know it’s in the description, but I purposely left it out to show you this. If an important plot element is in the story’s description, fine. But it shouldn’t be where the plot point is stated as far as the story. It shouldn’t be the only place we hear it. It needs to be introduced in the story as well!

Second, Pinkie Pie. She’s hoping to be served with a sweet sauce. Yeah, she’s pretty much just accepts it. Hell, all the main six pretty much accept it. Like it’s just a way of life for them. At least the Hunger Games have a reason why the people don’t just revolt.

Third, Fluttershy. So, Celestia is completely okay with the main six being sacrificed to feed ponies their protein? Even though all six of them are needed to use the Elements of Harmony? Okay, yeah, the Tree of Harmony takes the elements back, but they are still the heroes of Harmony, aren’t they? Shouldn’t they get like a free pass or something? Or what if the elements are needed down the road?!

Fourth, Rainbow Dash. She is worried about how awesome she’d taste… Ugh… Cupcake reference…

Fifth, Applejack. Why the hell isn’t Twilight doing anything? Does she just not care about her friends anymore? Did they piss her off or something? Maybe it did have something to do with how they forced her back to Ponyville during the Tree of Harmony stuff.

Okay, I better move on!

The mayor came out to give a speech.

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More or less…

Then Twilight says a few words.

I know how it feels, that scared felling, and the paranoia that you are going to be picked. When I was old enough that I was finally up for the lottery, I could see the pain in my brothers eyes, as he knew I had to potential to be no longer a mare, and just meat. Take it from me, that if you accept your potential fate, you can live each day to its fullest, and leave Ponyville with no regrets.”

Okay, I know this speech is supposed to be heartwarming and comforting, but … all I hear is…

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Also, those are pretty brave words coming from a pony who is immune to this “reaping”. Yeah, Twilight Sparkle, because she is a princess is immune to the lottery. Geez, if that’s the case, no wonder people keep making OC alicorns.

They soon start calling numbers to let the mares know who will be sacrificed. Now this would have been interesting to see the process and see some of the characters that the main six had gotten to know get dragged off and see how they reacted. But, of course, that would be what a good story would do and not this piece of crap that is in front of us.

After calling out several number, they then call out the numbers corresponding with ponies of the main six, Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

Have fun tasting awesome, Rainbow Dash!

The line starts behind the library and goes around the block… Twice.

And now we get the emotional part of the story. Well, of course, if you have read these reviews before, you know I’m a sarcastic piece of shit.

They hugged each other tightly as a group, knowing that this would be the last time any of them saw those two alive. Applejack and Rainbow dash walked hoof in hoof to the holding area, hoping at least that they would be together until the end, as that would make it a lot more bearable.

Yeah, these friends who just found out that they are going to be sacrificed to become everypony else’s protein intake are pretty fucking calm about it. There’s no panicking going through their brains, no shock, no journey through the stages of grief.

It’s just…

“You’re our sacrifices!”

:applejackunsure: Meh, whatever…

:rainbowdetermined2: Oh, yeah! Let’s do this, yo!

“You will be cut into tiny pieces stuffed into a pie and feed to your families!”

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“You two are taking this … really unrealistically well.”

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So, the rest of the main six take it unreasonably well, seeing how their friends are going to basically die and they are going to be forced to devour them. Do you think Twilight learns a lesson about all this in the end?

:twilightsmile: Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that it is important to keep plenty of protein in your diet. Protein helps your body grow, particularly muscular growth. Meat, beans, seeds, eggs and fish are all excellent sources of protein. Which is why we’ve decided, rather than actually hunting fish or growing beans, we would cut up random ponies in a Slaughterhouse and eat them instead. That was the only logical way we could solve this. I’m doing great as a new Princess, aren’t I?

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight went last. “If I could, I would make sure that your end would be more painless then what a lot of ponies do to you."

Wait, there’s going to be pain?! Nopony said anything about pain! Aren’t they just going to inject us and kill us that way?! That way we won’t have to feel anything?! Oh, god! What are they going to do to us?! And why are you just standing there letting them do whatever the fuck they want to us?! What kind of friend are you?! Princess of friendship my fucking ass!

So, they lower Rainbow Dash and Applejack down to the pits where they send everypony who had been chosen. They use some kind of gas to knock out the two and they wake up in the said Slaughterhouse I was talking about.

When you entered, it was already decided whether you were to be a live roast or not.

If you weren’t a live roast, you would be prepared for hanging in a grocery store, whole as it looks more appealing to customers.

Pleasant imagery there… I’m sure that this will in no way distinguish your sexual preferences in anyway…

So it goes on like this explaining the process of which these ponies are executed and prepared for meat and honestly, it sounds more like an instructional video of how they make chicken nuggets than it being actually frightening.

With that I’ve come to the conclusion that we are supposed to find this sexy. Yeah, the brutal murder of mares is supposed to be appealing.

Fetish Fan Fic!

So, Applejack and Rainbow Dash request to be stuffed and made live roast. Ah, just in time, Thanksgiving is in a month.

Okay, I totally deserve those…

Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are left in a cage to wait the day of their execution. Meanwhile, they decide to make the most of it by… well, they don’t have sex yet, but five bits says they do by the end.

And then… two stallions come in and stroke them?!

… Okay, no jokes here. No funny business. Just down to earth seriousness.

This is rape. Bottom line, these two stallions come in and rape Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I will not get into a discussion about why writing about such things is a really, REALLY bad idea, as I am not smart enough to talk about them. Instead, I will refer you to someone who does know what they are talking about.

And I quote fromGirl-Wonder.Org

Take a good look at your story. Why do you think a rape is what you need for it to progress? Is there something else that could fill the same function? Unless you have a damn good reason to include rape in a story, you probably shouldn’t. Using sexual assault as a motivation-in-a-box or an equivalent trope will do nothing but steal credibility and respect from a really serious, really important subject. Plus, you’ll look like a twit.

And that is what our author is, a twit! I don’t normally like attacking authors for their work, but we already have “hard vore” in this story! Why does this story have to include rape in this?!

Furthermore, it serves absolutely no purpose to the overall story! It’s just there because the author doesn’t give a rat’s ass about rape or the victims!

Okay, rant over, but only due to not wanting to get into something I’m unqualified to talk about.

After a few days of waiting, which would be just torturous at this point, I’d be begging them to just give me the gas already, Applejack and Rainbow Dash decide that it’s time to let their emotions go. And the two proceed to have sex with each other.

The story talks about how they have sexual repressed urges and frankly, I don’t give a crap because clearly this was done to get all of the author’s sexual perverted fantasies out of the way. God, a few more scenes like this and this could almost be as bad as WonderFall!

And the sex goes on… and on… and on… and on… For 2000 words of the fucking story! And this story isn’t even 7000 words long! Almost a third of this story is dedicated to them having sex! Look, if there was actual character progression and plot driven elements in this story, fine! But aren’t they supposed to be roast beef by now?!

After doing an entire chapter of fucking, we see that 24 DAYS PASS! Are you fucking kidding me?! You kept them locked in a cage for 24 fucking days?! Jesus, this isn’t just torture! This is fucking sadistic! Do all ponies have to wait almost a freaking month for their execution?! Wouldn’t that time be better spent with their families or fattening them up rather than locking them in a cage?!

But of course, I would not consider anything of intelligence from this author…

Okay, I’m done insulting the author. I swear.

So they discuss who might get to eat them, but they find out that Twilight arranged for her to get their remains.

Oh, good, because anyone can tell you that eating your own loved ones is a healthy psychological plan. It’s that right, Scott Tenorman?

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Freaky as fuck episode…

So, they put the girls to sleep and take them to where they will be made into the next meal. They wake up and are approached by the main six where Twilight explains that like a “True, True Friend” she is going to make sure they are treated properly as they are cut up to feed the hungry.

Rarity then says this …

“Well don’t you two look very glum. Come on, cheer up.

Everypony in this story is an idiot. May they all burn in hell!

However, Rarity tells Rainbow Dash that she has asked Spitfire to come to the last moment of Rainbow Dah’s life.

She basically thanks Spitfire for making her an honorary Wonderbolt. Gee, I’m sure glad that was brought closure fast. That what was bugging me this entire time. Will Rainbow Dash ever get to be a Wonderbolt before she is cut up in an extremely violent way, that is being drawn out for no fucking reason?!

Note that the only reason I want them to be cut up is so I don’t have to read this story anymore!

They start to have a farewell party, but the author doesn’t care about any of that, so let’s just skip the fuck out of it.

As the party was coming to an end, the other four rushed Apple and Dash, and hugged them tight. All of them were crying a bit.

Ah, the emotions one goes through with seeing a loved one die is the same as learning that you didn’t win that car you only had one in a million chance of winning. Mild inconvenience at best.

So, the next day Big MacIntosh gets to shave them and good god, this story is still going! I’ve read novels that weren’t as long as this!

He left the mane and tail, as that seemed the right thing to do.

Because we leave the hair on cows and all the feathers on chickens when we cut them up for our dinner. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Asshat!

So, the story then starts to describe the process to which they are dipped in gravy and other such nonsense. Yes, author, it is clear you care more about pleasuring your own dick rather than telling a good story! You don’t need to remind us!

Don’t believe me; take a look at this line!

There were some muffled screams coming from both of them, as the heat started to cook them. All this did though, was make them horribly horny as the noise bounced off their marehood walls.

And any messily ounce of respect any pony had for you is now burning in the heart of the sun!

So, yeah, the two proceed to have sex as they are burned alive. … Cute…

They all cry at the loss of their friends. Yeah, story, don’t try to pretend you care. You’re not fooling anypony.

So they all sit down and have their Thanksgiving dinner to which they are thankful for their process working so well to keep order in Equestria. It’s about as effective as the fucking Purge.

This story is shit! It’s an icky, nasty, foul story that has no place on this website! I can’t even conceive why somepony would write a story like this! I can’t believe that the rape of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, the ‘vore’ or the sexual elements, which take away from the story rather than heighten it would make his editor nod and praise his work!

The vore element itself is just stupid since there is no logic behind it! They say it is population control, but it only involves mares! Why not stallions?! Also, the story mentions that if you have children, you are allowed to raise them! So population control can’t be it!

Is it lack of protein?! I have mentioned dozens of times that you can use other foods besides meat to get a proper diet of protein! Oats and beans are perfect examples!  So that can’t be it!

No, the reason why this story only involves mares is because the author wants to torture women. This is exactly what this story was intended to do, make women powerless, by taking two of the strongest women in the My Little Pony universe and taking away their strength. That is the reason why this story exists. To fuel this author’s sexual bigotry.

I feel downright dirty for reading it. Not since WonderFall, have I felt so ashamed to bring attention to a story. But hopefully somepony smart who read this review, will think twice about what I said before writing something similar!

Have a good day guys.

Nightmare Month: Mcedge in Equestria

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique and welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.

As we know, Humans in Equestria stories 90% of the time suck. And as we will see in today’s story, that doesn’t change much. Big surprise, right?

However, as with all Human in Equestria stories, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps this will be the story that actually breaks the mold and changes the way I perceive humans as a whole and-

*one reading later*

Holy shit, was that stupid!

It’s a horrid little piece of shit that tries to be edgy and new and just makes the author look like he has no sense of direction or storytelling! It’s not original, it’s not good, it’s not entertaining and it’s total need of a critique! And I’m just the pony stupid enough to do it!

Let’s review Mcedge in Equestria by Mcedge

We start with our description, which looks like this…

A human goes to Equestria. But he's not just an ordinary human. He's enlightened and tough, and he's going to shake Equestria up a bit.

So, by not being an ordinary human, he’s pretty much like every other human that goes to Equestria. God, I would kill for a human in Equestria story, where the human is not special in anyway shape or form nor does he ever become special. He’s just normal and nopony cares!

Also, as we will see in this story, the main character proves to be none of these things. Lying to your audience already story. Not a good start.

Our story starts proper with our main character, who I guess is named Anon. Seriously, why did he bother naming this story Mcedge if the main character is Anon? Did Anon just sound more badass?! If you wanted to go for that, why didn’t you just name him Badass McAwesomeshit or Cypher Raige?!

Oh, wait, Cypher Raige is already taken. Never mind.

Anyway, our story starts with Anon bringing chocolate to Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash has what I admit to being a natural reaction to this situation.

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Rainbow Dash says that Anon should stop bringing her gifts and that she doesn’t like him in that way. Anon tries convince her otherwise, but Rainbow Dash isn’t having any of it.

Rainbow Dash tells Anon that they can still be friends, but she won’t love him. Anon trots away and starts to feel sorry for himself.

"Look Anon, don't tell anyone I said this, but you're a really sweet guy and i'm really sorry that it has to be this way don't beat yourself up too much. I'm sure... you'll find some pony who feels that way about you"

Ya... whatever. Anon returns to his home. Alone. cold. broken.

I love a happy ending. Well, that’s it for this week’s review. See you guys next week.

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Sir, there is still more the story.

... Could I just pretend that there isn't? Just this once...

You have already started the review. I highly suggest finishing it.

Fine...

So Anon goes home and starts to whine about “Life is pain! She doesn’t love me! Waa Waa Waa!”

Oh, give me a fucking break!

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME, I MADE MY MISTAKES, GOT NOWHERE TO RUN, AS I'M FADING AWAY. I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. "

Hey, only I am allowed to pointlessly cut to music to emphasize a scene! Besides, you’re missing part of the lyrics!

Twilight comes over to Anon’s house and asks if she can talk to him.

"Ya, go ahead. Nothing matters anymore anyway."

Oh, boo hoo, we all got problems!

Twilight tries to convince him that maybe he and Rainbow Dash weren’t meant to be, but Anon isn’t hearing any of it. He continues to whine and complain and he just comes off as a stalker who just found out that his ‘true love’ doesn’t love him anymore.

Seriously, are we supposed to relate to this guy? I feel nothing for him! I don’t know him! All I know is that he is constantly laying her gifts that she doesn’t want and that he won’t leave her alone or get over her! I don’t sympathize with him! I don’t even know him! Give me a reason why I should care if he gets with Rainbow Dash or not!

"Whatever. You can't do jackshit. All you do is read those pointless books all day filling your mind up with useless facts and information. But they won't teach you anything about how to deal with people like me."

There are several books to help you deal with teenage angst, you moron! All you need to do is go to your local library! I would lend you some of mine, but I ruined them by hitting my head repeatedly against them after reading that stupid ass comment!

By the way, telling off ponies who are just trying to help you, make you look like a jackass, jackass!

Twilight then tells Anon to calm down and starts to cast a spell on him. It turns out it’s a spell to… make Anon fall in love with her?!

There are no amount of books I can slam my head against to make me forget this moment. And it is officially the worst day of my life.

Anon catches on to Twilight’s ‘evil plan’ and runs off. He ends up in a bar where he discovers via T.V, apparently T.V is a big thing in Equestria now, that he is wanted by the Equestrian police for some odd reason. I’m sure there is a reason and I’m sure in the end, it will make no sense.

The bartender recognizes Anon and he yells for a convenient patrol of royal guards to chase him. Anon tries to get away, but is quickly caught by the royal guards.

Wow, no wonder Rainbow Dash doesn’t want to date him. He kind of sucks

Anon is taken to the royal palace where Celestia accuses him of murdering Rainbow Dash.

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It turns out that Anon’s fedora, which was never described to us in anyway in a previous scene, making this set up completely out of place, was found at the scene of the crime. Naturally, Celestia believes that Anon is responsible, because of this logic…

There has not been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years."

Then explain why you have royal guards to protect you, Celestia? … No response… Then I’m calling bullshit!

Anon feels all kinds of mindfuck

Ignoring this switching back and forth between past tense and present tense for a moment, this is about as close as we get to the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule that I tirelessly keep bitching about.

Anon is thrown in prison and Twilight comes to visit him. It turns out that Twilight had faked Rainbow Dash’s death, so that Anon will have sex with her if he wants Rainbow Dash back.

Okay, I call bullcrap on this! She says that she magically conjures up a fake body to fool everypony into thinking it is Rainbow Dash. Wouldn’t an autopsy prove that it was a fake? For that matter, Celestia is one of the most powerful magical beings in all of Equestria, I don’t think that Twilight would be able to fool her!

Anyway, the two begin to have sex… Urgh, can I go one human in Equestria story without some kind of romantic bullshit?!

Jesus, this is two weeks in a row I’ve had to deal with this subject… Can ponies just grow the fuck up?!

Anon then uses the opportunity to find out that Rainbow Dash has been tied up underneath the library. He then breaks off Twilight’s horn and escapes the prison. God, did none of the guards hear what the hell was going on? I would think after murdering one of the main six, security would be a little tighter?!

Anon is able to get to Ponyville without much difficulty and makes his way to the Everfree Forest, where he feels he’ll be safe. He breaks into Zecora’s house and finds a sword to steal.

Oh, good. Breaking and entering and stealing, that will clear your name for sure. He makes his way back to Ponyville to try to sneak into the library to free Rainbow Dash.

He sees the main six (excluding Rainbow Dash) outside of the library talking about how they need to find Anon and bring him in before he harms any pony else. Twilight, the whole time, lies to her friends, for no reason other than to have sex with Anon.

There is no reason why Twilight should be acting like this! No fucking reason at all! There is no build up to her lying to her friends, kidnapping one of them and using them as a hostage to commit rape!

Twilight and the others rush off to find Anon, while he takes the chance to sneak into Twilight’s house to find Rainbow Dash. However, upon opening the door he runs into Spike. Spike, it turns out, is against Twilight acting like a psychopath and agrees to help Anon rescue Rainbow Dash.

Hey, Spike, why are you waiting for Anon to help you, when you have a direct line to Princess Celestia?! I very much doubt that Celestia would just ignore her most faithful student acting like a fucking moron! Fuck this story!

Anon goes downstairs to find Rainbow Dash still tied up. Anon frees her and takes her to Canterlot to clear his name and to prove that Twilight was in fact the one who kidnapped her.

Celestia orders Twilight be arrested for her crimes and that Anon is cleared of all charges.

So, now that Anon has been cleared of the murder charges against him, what’s the most logical thing for him to do?

He goes into the Everfree Forest to hunt down the rest of the six and murder Twilight in cold blood. Whatever happened to due process?

So, Anon starts cutting open Twilight.

Our hero…

Celestia comes and is shocked in horror to see Twilight’s brutalization. When Celestia confronts Anon, he attacks her and murders her.

Because the pony who can summon the freaking sun is easily overpowered by a 14 year old with a knife! Dear lord, I hate this story!

He leaves her corpse behind and goes to Luna’s chamber and murders her as well. After their deaths, he stands over Canterlot castle and proclaims himself as the new king.

Naturally, all the ponies are pissed off about him killing off the princesses who loved them dearly and they are gathering torches and pitchforks to impale this guy.

Rainbow Dash confronts him about it and berates him for being so cruel. Anon simply shrugs it off, but then Discord appears and confesses that he was manipulating everything the whole time.

Discord states that he has no further use for him and that he is going to kill Anon. Anon tries to fight back, but gets his ass kicked.

Discord, you have just become my favorite character in the show!

However, before Discord can deliver the finishing blow to Anon, the main six appears (even Twilight who apparently survived several stabbings, but who the fuck cares at this point), and use the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord.

And then Twilight says the dumbest thing I could possibly read for her character, take a gander at this…

"Not quite Anon... despite everything that happened. We've agreed to let you live. You'll be imprisoned for quite a while, but when things calm down, you'll be set free. Even you deserve another chance."

Another chance?! Another fucking chance?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! They are seriously going to give the guy who killed Celestia, killed Luna, tried to murder Twilight and usurped the throne of Canterlot another chance?!

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However, after all that he has been through, after all that he has put us through, Anon finally decides to put this story to a well-deserved ending as he plunges his sword into his own chest. The only way this could have been more satisfying to me, was if I was the one who did it.

Oh, but we couldn’t just have Anon commit suicide. That would be the sensible thing to do. No, this author has to give us the middle finger with Rainbow Dash hanging herself a few days later.

Bravo, story… Bravo… Your selfish image wasn’t enough for you to die alone, was it? You had to take Rainbow Dash with you, even though there is no reason why she should have committed suicide in the first place! No reason what so ever!

This story is garbage! It’s poorly written, lazy as hell, talking head syndrome is thrown throughout the entire story and is incredibly unpleasant to read. It’s a stupid story about his love problems that takes a really dark turn really fast. It’s not set up very well and comes the fuck out of nowhere.

The twist at the end also comes out of left field, like the author couldn’t think of a way to justify the main character’s actions, so he just made up some random bullshit that he pulled out of his ass!

The author tries to justify Anon and make him look like the good guy and the victim! In the end, he comes off as a whiny psychopath, who would rather commit murder than move on!

Twilight is probably the worst I’ve ever seen her in a story! Give “Why did I do This?!” some credit, as least it has a reason why Twilight killed her friends, be it a weak one, but at least a reason why she was out of character!

Maybe if this had been an original piece, it might have been better, but as a My Little Pony story, it’s just wrong.

… Keep away from me for a while.

Nightmare Month: A Kezzerdrix in Equestria

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.

As we have seen through the course of the month, we have seen that some of the darkest fan fictions are often the most pointless of stories. There is little story development, characterization, logic and motive to stories being written except, I can write dark stories.

Look, anyone can write dark stories, it doesn’t mean you should! It takes atmosphere to write the story! And actually giving a crap about the story and characters you are writing!

And when one or more of those things are missing, the story can be a pain to read. Kind of like today’s story. So, let’s dig into A Kezzerdrix in Equestria by Inum76

Our story starts in the park where our main character is playing a game of Dart Ball. What is Dart Ball you ask? Well, I’ll let our author explain what the game is.

It is a modified form of Doge Ball. A circle of player surrounds a group in the middle. The game is simple. The group in the middle must work to get the ball past those on the out side. Those on the outside must Keep the ball in.

Sorry, I’ve never played ‘Doge Ball’, yo! Maybe yo homies can prop yo spelling, doge!

So, the author starts to explain more about Dart Ball, because I’m sure this will be crucial to the plot.

And then we… get a fucking author’s note in the middle of the story!

Authors note: I use to love to play Doge Ball in school, I was very good at it. I most never got hit. Unless I was the only one left in the middle and I wonted the players to switch rather then keep every one out waiting for me to be hit. I did stay in and not get hit for a wile at times as well, much to the frustration of everyone. For that alone, some did not like me to play. ^.^

Are you kidding me?! Are you really kidding me?! Dude, here’s the thing about author’s notes that some people are confused about! One, you don’t use an author’s note whenever you damn well please! An author’s note should either begin a chapter or end a chapter! By putting it wherever the hell you want, you draw attention away from the story, which, as a writer, is the last thing you want to be doing!

Two, an author’s note is not your personal blog! An author’s note should either drive interest in the story, asking the audience important questions, or offer an explanation to the audience about something behind the scenes of the story, such as sluggish updates.

They are not to be used to explain how good you were at Doge ball, whatever the hell that is! This might shock you, but nobody cares about how good you were at the game! We are interested in the story!

So, after a pointless author’s note, we get back to the game as it plays out. We are introduced to several characters, mainly Plunk, a Pegasus filly and Page Turner, a unicorn colt. The game continues and I’m not really sure what the hell is going on. I’m not sure who to cheer for or how I’m supposed to feel about the situation. All I know is that a bunch of kids are playing ball. A bunch of kids that I am not really that invested in.

It makes it difficult to get into the story, when I can’t even get into the situation that the kids are in. This would have been better if the kids were established before the game and I actually got to see who they were and what makes them special or their love for the game. At least then, I would have a better idea who to cheer for.

However, the game is interrupted when the ball is overthrown and starts to roll down a hill. Plunk is the unfortunately filly who has to go fetch the ball. Something she is apparently dreading.

She heads down the hill and takes a look around for the ball. She begins to get frustrated as she searches a nearby patch of trees for the ball.

She finally ends up catching the ball, but as she picks it up she starts to hear a voice calling to her. She finds out the voice is coming from a cave and decides to investigate, fearing that somepony could be hurt.

She follows the voice while thinking that once she found the pony in trouble, she could come back with help in case she was unable to. I’ll give this story credit. This character is actually acting intelligently.

As she travels through the cave, we get some backstory on her climbing through caves when she was a child, but that these caves are strange to her and thus she is having a difficult time with them.

Most of the chapter is just her traveling through the caves and misspellings and grammar errors littering the thing. I can’t tell if the writing is trying to be good or purposely bad. What I mean by that is that words that sound similar to the words the author wants to use, but have different spellings are used. I’ll show you what I mean.

The young light brown filly was sure she was close enough that who ever it was she is looking for would have heard that. Again she was shortly answered by another screech, and *wine*. None of this felt right.

Was it a griffin? The voice was still not saying a word. Just sounding hurt and desperate for help. She could also *here* movement. Just slight, and still far away.

What ever it was, may indeed be stuck and unable to get to her if it was something dangerous. Hope was in her *hart* that she would not regret failing to turn around and run right now. She felt after all this she just had to take a look.

As she travels further down, she comes across a strange creature.

Something told her it did not feed on the moss and mushrooms growing down here.

It was probably the bloody corpses of young ponies that laid around its body. … Of course, that wasn’t clear.

It turns out the creature is a Kezzerdrix, a creature from the game Magic: The Gathering. Personally, I prefer the Vizzerdrix.

It’s a better creature, be it for three more mana and loses First Strike, but it doesn’t have a negative effect for having it.

Okay, enough nerdisms, back to the story.

Plunk tries to outrun the creature, but the Kezzerdrix is able to knock her out of the air and trap her in a corner.

The creature manages to tear off her wings to keep her from escaping.

Plunk then goes to the graveyard, since her ‘life’ hit zero. Don’t worry, I’ll bring her back with my Gravedigger.

Sorry, I thought we were in the middle of a game.

And then, the creature… starts to sexually assault her?! And she enjoys it?!

You did it! You fucking did it! You just had to fucking do it, didn’t you?! You just had to fucking do it! You had to be like every fucking pony in this fucked up world, didn’t you?! You just couldn’t let it go, could you?! You just couldn’t grow up and be a fucking adult! What is wrong with you ponies?!

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you poines?! One time, shame on me! Two times, shame on you! Three times?! You ponies are fucked up! This… I mean… really? This is … okay with everypony?! Seriously?!

I am seriously running out of ways to say, ‘what the fuck’ to this?! It’s old! Really fucking old! I’m tired of reading about it! I’m tired of reviewing about it! The viewers are tired of me ranting about it! So, just FUCKING STOP!

Rape is not a fucking joke, guys! It’s not a fucking joke! Stop acting like it’s a fucking joke, because it’s not! Jesus fucking Christ!

… Look, I don’t fuck with this shit. … I don’t. I have zero tolerance for … this… being shown in this light… And every time I see this, a little bit of my faith in life dies. And, I’m not sure I can ever get it back, because… all I see are ponies who take this a just a joke. … It’s not.

And finally, after God knows how many times I had to restrain myself from throwing my laptop across the room, the Kezzerdrix finally eats the filly.

We cut back to the other group of kids as they continue to play ball. Wait, so if they had another ball, why did they bother sending Plunk to get the ball? For that matter, are they not even going to ask why she isn’t back yet? She’s been wondering through those caves for a while, you’d think that somepony would have noticed.

Actually, it turns out that… Plunk is with them?!

Huh? What?! Where? WHY? HOW?!

She was just eaten by a Kezzerdrix! How is she still on the surface?! There is no way she should still be alive! What? Is a Kezzerdrix’s stomach actually a Stargate?!

It turns out the ball rolled down the hill, but instead of going along, Plunk’s friends want to go with her. Just like the beginning of the story! You want to bother explaining this, author?! Story?! Anypony?!

They manage to find the ball, but they hear the voice of a creature down in the cave. … Just like the beginning of the story! Did you get too much flame about the rape and death of a young filly, so you decided to re-write the story within the story?! If you are going to actually re-write it, get rid of the stuff you don’t want to keep!

Instead of going into the cave, they decide to go get a pony with more experience dealing with unknown monsters. And who do they turn to?

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Twilight fucking Sparkle! That’s right! Now, go show that fucking piece of shit what for!

So, Twilight goes into the cave and decides to investigate. A few hours pass as the fillies wait outside. Twilight then returns claiming the creature would have killed them if they had come along and that they don’t need to worry about it anymore.

Wait, what?! Twilight killed that creature?! AND WE NEVER GOT TO SEE IT?!

HOLY SHIT, I HAVEN’T FELT THIS RIPPED OFF SINCE I MISSED HALF THE MONSTER FIGHTS IN GODZILLA!

So, it turns out that one of the ponies has foresight and saw what would happen if Plunk went down there and that’s why it went through those scenes before!

So, the friends go off and continue to play their game and live happily, I don’t give a shit…

The bad spelling and terrible grammar alone would be enough to keep readers away. But then you add on top of that the completely unnecessary sexual assault. Ask yourself, what did that add to the story? Nothing.

And I know what some of you are saying right now. You’re saying “It adds to the evilness of the creature.”

No. No, it doesn’t. The creature eating a child would have been enough. No, we needed to add this piece of shit to the plot to make it more ‘adult’. Bull fucking shit!

Was it to make Twilight more badass to take down a rapist?! Because she already was a badass for taking down a horrible monster that eats children!

And then all of the sudden, like the author didn’t have the balls to kill a child in his story, he bails out with this move about it being a premonition of her being attacked. Look, in a better story, this might have worked.

Nightmare on Elm Street is a perfect example of keeping your audience on their toes! And it’s one of my favorite horror movies! You are never sure if the characters are in the dream world or reality and it keeps the scares high with great characters and a scary villain.

It didn’t have to resort to sexual assault to be dark or adult. It relied on the frightfulness of the villain and the fear of our heroes.

This story is a huge disappointment to what could have been a good horror story. If the characters had been established better. The characters needed to be established for the foresight bullshit to work. It just comes out of nowhere!

The villain needed to be more involved! If the villain had been a looming threat throughout the story, that would have built tension. The first few chapters before the creature actually had some kind of tension and scariness about it. But it’s all wiped away by the foresight bullshit anyway, since it cheated us out of being scared.

A good proofreader for spelling and grammar, and of course, get rid of the pointless rape, this story actually would have been decent. But as is, this story makes me want to never read another story by this author again.

… I need a drink…

Nightmare Month: Equestrlyvania

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique! And welcome to another day in Nightmare Month!

Let’s talk about one of the most popular horror/adventure video games of all time. Castlevania!

For those of you who don’t know, Castlevania is a video games series that was first released in 1986 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). The story of the original game was simple. You are Simon Belmont, a descendent of the legendary Belmont clan who has sworn to destroy the lord of darkness, Dracula, from terrorizing the land.

Armed only with his whip and wits, Simon struggles through Dracula’s castle, facing off against various creatures of darkness. Such as Frankenstein’s Monster, flying Medusa heads, living suits of armor, zombies, hell hounds and even Death itself.

The original game on NES was notorious for its difficult, but addictive gameplay. I’ve never beaten the game myself, but I’ve sure as hell spent many hours trying, and if you are looking for a challenging, but enjoyable game, I’d check it out.

As the years went on, the games got weirder and weirder. Sometimes they were great and sometimes they were not so good. I can’t tell you which ones I think are the best or worst since I’ve only played a few of the games.

Besides, I’ll leave that for somepony more qualified to talk about them then me. So, why am I talking about it? Why it’s for our next story that I’m going to review, of course.

This review is a crossover between the Castlevania series and My Little Pony. … Yeah, kind of a weird combo.

The most horrifying and arguably most terrifying series of games meeting the bright and colorful word of Equestria. … I’m not even sure where to go with this.

So, let’s just dig into Equestrylvania by Brony Fife

Our story begins with Twilight receiving a letter from Shining Armor, asking for her help on something, but she isn’t told what.

:twilightangry2: Damn it, Shining, if you need help opening the pickle jar again, I swear to Celestia!

We then have a cut that’s kind of a weird scene change, but not a scene change at the same time. Its describing events that are going on elsewhere from Twilight Sparkle, but in very vague detail. It’s weird, but creative.

However, I have to ask the point of this prologue. What is even the point of it? It doesn’t feel like it needs to be here and just as easily could have been part of the first chapter, since it just focuses on Twilight on her way to Canterlot.

The only reason for the prologue is to establish the cemetery scene. But overall, it’s covered by Twilight’s scene, so we hardly pay attention to it.

I think the prologue would have been better if it just focused on a scene with the graveyard before we even see our main character, setting the mood for what we are about to witness. I know this works because I’ve seen it in the comic series “Blackest Night.” It starts with a brief scene depicting the rise of the Black Lanterns before we see our main characters.

Twilight finds herself at Canterlot Castle, where Celestia seems to have done some redecorating. Instead of its normal welcoming self. It ends up looking like this…

Huh? I didn’t know Celestia celebrated Nightmare Month… I wonder what kind of candy a princess gives out?

Twilight and Shining meet to discuss what is happening in Canterlot. Shining explains that Celestia has gone missing and that she’s nowhere to be found.

Isn’t it funny how Celestia conveniently disappears when trouble starts brewing? As if to say…

:trollestia: I’m out, yo! Peace!

As Twilight starts to examine the statues of the newly placed castle, she starts to notice some of the creatures the statues depict.

Twilight Sparkle has read about these alien creatures, Homo sapiens.

Well, I’m done. You lost me, story. You lost me. Sorry, I’m done. Human in Equestria. Sorry. Not going to read it anymore. We’re done.

Sir, do you not think you are being a bit closed minded?

Nope. This story is done. It’s done. Human in Equestria. It’s done. We’re done. This story had no chance.

You have not even read the first chapter yet. How are you to know if it is bad or good?

It’s just bad. Human in Equestria. No good.

Sir, you can stop now. I think you have made your point.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Everypony, just because a story has a human in Equestria, doesn’t mean it will suck. It just most likely means it will suck. And you should all give them the chance they deserve and review them for the piece of shit that they are.

Okay, that’s the educational part of my review. Now back to yelling profanity.

Before, she had only seen ancient artwork depicting them, or clumsy facsimiles built in their image.

Oh, just wait Twilight, for soon you will be a part of the human world, seeing them up close, being one of them to win a crown in what is the MLP equivalent of High School Musical.

My thoughts exactly.

As they ponder how the castle appeared, they are met with a researcher named Roaring Yawn, a researcher who has to constantly proclaim his intellect is bigger than anypony else’s if you know what I mean.

I suppose he could be worried about Celestia’s disappearance, but not even Twilight is freaking out about it. Or at the very least is not being a dick about it.

Twilight asks if Princess Celestia said anything before she mysteriously disappeared, but Shining says they haven’t heard anything.

Shining Armor shakes his head. "We lost contact with her after the light went away. I was actually kind of hoping she maybe shot you a letter..."

At this, Twilight considers the possibility. She wishes she had brought Spike along, as he is the only one who can receive the Princess' messages.

It’s like I keep telling you guys. Don’t cut Spike from your story. It’s bad juju!

Roaring Yawn looks up at the sun. "The Princess is not here, yet the sun has risen. I assume she's still alive at least."

Yeah… Or Luna could have done it. I assume that because Celestia had control over the moon while her sister was banished that Luna knows how to raise the sun.

Roaring Yawn decides that they need to investigate the castle and discover what is inside. Twilight is against it, but doesn’t see any other options.

We then have Roaring Yawn pushing his intellect in Twilight’s face. Oh, cliché, unlikable, snobbish characters. What would I do without you? Probably have a more interesting character.

As he leaves, his back still to Twilight, he says curtly, "But don't think for a second that you are somehow on our level. You are only here because your brother demanded you to be here. So don't get in the way."

She’s saved fucking Equestria three times! Once from the Princess of the Night, once from the God of fucking Chaos and once from the … Giant evil fart!

She’s the fucking element of Magic and she’s Princess Celestia’s pupil!

What is your resume, smartass?!

Being a dick?! Because that’s all I’ve seen you do!

They get inside the castle and start photographing details of their surroundings to study in the hopes that they can figure out what’s going on.

However, as they search the castle, they find out that none of the residents, including Princess Luna, are there.

As Twilight continues to investigate, she makes a startling discovery.

"You feel it too, don't you?" asks Twilight. "This place isn't just a castle." Her eyes dart about, alert for any suspicious movement, as her voice's volume drops to almost a whisper. "It's alive."

Oh, great. Now you’ve forced me to play this…

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You can’t beat the classics.

Twilight then enters a kind of dream sequence (I think, it’s a tad confusing here) where she sees a white rabbit… No. I’m not kidding. She sees a white rabbit.

Funny, I thought this was Castlevania, not Alice in Wonderland. Although, that makes some pretty good crossovers too.

She follows the white rabbit into a tomb of some kind. However, this dream sequence seems really rushed at points. Like it’s trying to tell us what’s going on, but it doesn’t seem to know how to do it. It’s funny because in no other part of the story did I feel like it was lost, but it seems incredibly rushed or doesn’t seemed to know where it’s going.

Knowing exactly what she might see if she does so, Twilight casts a Spell of Light upon her horn, spreading sweet visibility across the room. She is greeted by precisely what she expected, and holds her screams.

There are empty eyes set in empty skulls, empty Homo sapien skulls.

How exactly did she know she was going to see human skulls? I mean, it does establish that she is in a tomb, but it doesn’t mention where the heck this scene came from. And if she is in a dream sequence, then when the hell did that happen? They don’t go back to camp or anything and this is the line before the dream sequence.

Roaring Yawn says nothing, but the look on his face agrees. Shining Armor looks about uncomfortably, his weight shifting from one side to the other while the others are bustling about in their investigation. Inwardly, he hopes to hear back from his men as soon as possible.

I know that you are trying to create a bit of mystery to what is going on, but I don’t feel like it was a very good lead in.

A creature appears from the mounds of corpses and starts chasing Twilight Sparkle.

She then wakes up in bed and tries to calm herself down and in midsentence it cuts to a corpse giving an evil “cupcakes” grin at her and cuts her down.

However, she wakes up back in her bed. Geez, is this some kind of Christopher Nolan trip?!

It’s bad enough we had to end the chapter with a confusing dream sequence, but when we come back, we start with another dream sequence? It’s like the story’s grinding to halt to wait for a row of ducks to pass by before it can move on.

So, Twilight wakes up and the guard explains that she will be having nightmares for a while.

You're going to have flashbacks so real, it'll be like you're time-warping, right back to that moment. In time, those memories will fade."

Wait, so these things have already happened? When in the story did we indicate that was happening, unless it’s some kind of precognition thing, but that would contradict what you just said, since it’s a flashback.

For a well-written story, this seems very poorly executed.

We then get back to the dream sequence, seriously this story jumps around more than a grasshopper on an energy drink, and it shows what happened against the creature that attacked her. Apparently, Shining Armor rushes in to try to help her sister. How does he appear in the tomb? … I have no idea. In fact, it isn’t even made clear how Twilight ended up in the tomb. Did the house just eat them or something?!

Anyway, during the fight Shining is nearly defeated when Twilight’s natural magic kicks in and beats the demon away.

However, it turns out that Shining, during the scuffle, has two single bite marks on his neck. Twilight discovers this and freaks out about the safety of her brother.

Shining Armor reassures her that he will be fine and that some of the medical staff wants to check up on him. However, they warn that Shining is going mad and violent.

Oh, great. Here come the FlutterbatXShining Bat fan fics. Computer, get me some more alcohol.  

After Shining Bat is escorted to a hospital, Twilight groups with the investigation team with one of the guards named Tiger Cross (the Cypher Rage of the MLP universe) and Shatterstorm.

Upset about Shining’s Shining moment (A little Stanley Kubrick there), Twilight tries goes out and clear her head with Shatterstorm telling her not to wander off.

Instead, she is forced to examine the giant bat that attacked her brother. How did Shining Armor get beat by this…

It’s easy enough that I was able to kill in my playthrough. In fact it’s the only boss I’ve ever killed.

Anyway, Twilight tries to concentrate, but Intelligent McDickface actually shows some kindness and convinces Twilight to take a couple of weeks off to recover.

"This stuff? It's not going anywhere. Canterlot has just become ground zero for something that has proven itself to be very dangerous. I'm giving you the next two weeks off. Spend time with your friends. Come back refreshed."

Or better yet, bring your friends and the Elements of Harmony. After all, they would be very useful against an agent of darkness, since they already proved useful in turning Discord, who can reshape reality with his left pinky, to stone!

If you are going to shove your intellect to me, Intelligent McDickface, at least have it makes sense!

So, Twilight heads on home to try to clear her mind.

We cut to Ponyville where we met with another character named Roseluck is tending to her garden. However, she can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening in Canterlot, because of the big black castle that overlooks them.

She talks to Pinkie Pie about what has happened and Pinkie explains that Twilight received a letter to investigate the castle.

She also keeps seeing these weird visions, as if the castle is staring at her. Oh, great the castle is turning into Monster House.

We then cut to Fluttershy who is doing pretty well considering a dark castle is now on the horizon. Any other story would have had her faint and only the power of sex could have woken her up. As she tends to her animal friends, she starts to become worried about the whole thing, stating that the sunset isn’t right.

:fluttershyouch: There’s too much purple, it off sets the other colors.

Things aren’t made better when the animals start acting aggressive and Fluttershy can do nothing to calm them down. They attack Fluttershy, but she is able to get away by hiding under the bed… Not sure how this would work. Do the animals just don’t go under the bed because that’s monster territory? Don’t want to step on their turf or something?

We then cut to a cemetery where a pony named Dirt Nap. Wow, your parents must have really hated you, didn’t they? Why don’t they just name you ‘Our Mistake’ while they’re at it? Was your father hanging over your crib each night with a knife in his hoof, planning to give you your Cutie Mark?

Or we could go for a more slang term not used often; do you go around taking shit on everypony’s bed?

Or are you supposed to be the Grim Reaper? Because that would be the only way your name would be slightly cooler. And by slightly, I mean, still stupid.

Anyway, Dirt Nap is described to us as a very ugly pony.

He digs graves, keeps the cemetery, and so on. His appearance of hunched back, black coat, pale white pelt, a single dead eye, a face of welts and warts, and greasy black mane covered in a wide-brimmed black hat did nothing to dissuade others of his creepiness.

Ah, so the cliché gravedigger. You know, just once I’d love to see a gravedigger that was looked like Orlando fucking Bloom.

It goes on about how he knows everypony in town and that they will one day be buried here.

It is how he knows that they will all be buried here one day, buried right here in his cemetery.

Unless, some of them weren’t born in Ponyville and wish to be buried where they were born. Or is this the only cemetery in Equestria? You’d think you’d hit the center of the earth by then, unless you bury current ponies corpses with other corpses like a landfill. In which case, I request to be buried by Rarity… Oh, yeah…

His whole point in life is to bury the dead and that scared other ponies. He's never looked at his cutie mark with pride as others did theirs. His cutie mark is a curse: it warns others that he would bury them one day, and that terrifies them. But if he buried everypony else, who would be left to bury him? Such a curse, to have been made lonely by his own talent.

Yes, because I’m sure that out all the bajillions (I don’t care if it’s not a word) of ponies out there, there is only one who is a pony who can run a graveyard. Just like Miss Cheerilee is the only fucking elementary teacher in Equestria. I’d imagine her classes would look like this …

He notices the sun going down as if something bad has happened and the sun almost fades from existence. Well, good luck with global freezing.

As he watches the graveyard, the tombstones start to shake violently, as the dead start to rise from their graves.

He makes his way for this hut and prepares to defend himself. However, the zombie horde surrounds his house and rams at the walls and doors to make their way in.

We then cut back to Canterlot where Twilight is about to leave for Ponyville to try to relax. As she leaves, she wonders about what to tell Cadance about her husband.

As the night falls, the group looks up to the sky to realize that this isn’t the same night that Luna brings and that there is something wrong with it. Twilight gets on the chariot, but before it can get far, it is cut from the sky by a being with a scythe and dark cloak.

We then cut to Applejack, where her family is traveling to a hidden passage way until the whole thing blows over. Applejack volunteers to stay behind, claiming that she wants to know what’s going on. Her family disapproves, fearing for her safety, but Applejack heads out anyway to find out if there is any way she can help her friends.

We then cut back to Twilight as she falls from the carriage. Fortunately, Tiger Cross (still a stupid name) rescues her before she can hit the ground. However, the same can’t be said for Scatterstorm.

When they find Scatterstorm, he seems to have lost his marbles…

Shatterstorm begins to cry. "No, Momma," he moans in a small, childlike voice, "Not again, don't, don't do it again, Momma..."

Yeah, I have those moments too. Mostly with my dad and a skin tight suit. … That was a weird Thanksgiving.

The hooded figure attacks again, but Tiger Cross decides to fight it. With what? Your bare hooves? I can see that going well. Though if a normal human with a knife can kill Celestia, anything is possible.

He tells Twilight to run back to Ponyville and get help.

Then Twilight starts to re-experience some of worst moments … or I guess I should say, ponies of her life. Ponies that have wronged her in anyway. I wonder what would happen if…

Quesada!

Miller!

MYYYYYYYYKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

… Sorry about that… Saw some things…  Let’s move on…

Tiger Cross is able to snap her out of it and gets her moving onto Ponyville.

Also, the reason why she kept seeing ponies that wronged her. Yeah, not really explained. It just kind of a tool used to set up for Shatterstorm’s story arc, but I’ll get to him later.

Twilight rushes with a still confused Shatterstorm and finds that Ponyville, which is just a convenient half hour walk away as established by so many other stories, is in ruins and chaos.

Twilight makes her way into the town and finds a group of ponies in need of help.

Without a second's hesitation, the living corpse is reduced to ash by a burst of magic fire. The filly looks up into the eyes of her savior.

"...Are you an angel?" asks the filly, between sobs.

Twilight lifts her up onto her back. The filly looks curiously at Shatterstorm floating nearby in a magenta glow, currently unconscious. As Twilight shoots forth deeper into the town, she quips, "Close enough."

Damn fucking straight, girlfriend. Now if you had killed that Kezzerdrix in the last review, I’d be happy.

All around Ponyville we see other members of the main six rescuing various ponies in the city. Okay, other stories I’ve reviewed, I want you to pull out a note pad and a pen and start taking notes.

THIS IS HOW THE MAIN SIX SHOULD BE ACTING! They aren’t waiting around for some ‘hero’ to come and save them! They are actually taking initiative! You know, like heroes do!

We see Rainbow Dash rescue Lyra, we see Rarity saving her little sister, Pinkie Pie is helping escort the injured and their families to hospitals, and we see Applejack saving Rarity and Sweetie Belle, to which Applejack gets a pretty badass introduction.

Suddenly, there comes a whoop from nowhere, and an orange bolt of godlike might and indignation shoots down from above.

That was cosmic… I want a badass introduction like that! Computer, write for me a badass introduction.

Could take a while.

Shut up!

And Pinkie Pie beats the fuck out of a rapist!

… Okay, I know I’ve dealt with this for the last four weeks. But I’ve got to say, having Pinkie Pie go RoboCop on this stallion’s dick… makes me smile…

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She really does make me smile, smile, smile!

We then cut to Fluttershy who is still hiding under her bed. She discovers that her demon possessed animals have left and she figures that they have gone to terrorize the rest of the town. Despite being afraid, Fluttershy heads out to see what she can do to help.

Fluttershy is then confronted by her Angel, but Angel seems to be acting normal where the other animals weren’t. It turns out that Angel found a golden cross earlier that day and that’s why she’s behaving normally. Angel pantomimes the events that took place and says that the animals cornered her, but after seeing the cross they ran away.

Fluttershy figures she can use the cross to get the animals under control and she and Angel head to town.

We then cut to Sweet Apple Acres where a mysterious man, a dog and a woman are searching for a set of ribs by request of their master, Dracula.

It turns out that the mysterious man is actually Death, one of Dracula’s most powerful and loyal servants. And the woman is named Actrise, a witch from the Castlevania series (at least according to Wikipedia). They continually search the place until Death’s dog finally finds what they are looking for.

As the dog digs up their prize, they discuss what to do about Twilight Sparkle who defeated one of Dracula’s servants. Actrise believes that Twilight could be a threat, but Death reassures her that she is far from it, especially without Celestia, and that they will have little trouble taking over Equestria.

However, Death agrees that if Twilight should try to hinder their plans again that Actrise would be more than a match for her.  Actrise agrees if only to silence Death.

It is then revealed what happened to Tiger Cross during his battle with Death.

Yeah, apparently Death keeps his victims cutie marks after he’s killed them. He’s making a new cape out of them.

We then cut to Roseluck, who has barricaded herself in her apartment building, but it unable to get out. Monsters begin to pound on her door and she waits for them all to end her life, as she feels like it’s hopeless.

Just as the monsters enter the room and earthquake occurs and see ends up seeing the source of said tremor, but we aren’t yet told what.

Back at Sweet Apple Acres, Dirt Nap, somehow, escaped the zombie horde.

He comes across Death, Actrise and the Ghost Dog and watches them from afar. However, the Ghost Dog senses him and gives chase to him, easily catching him, and brings him face to face with his master.

Dirt Nap is interrogated by the two, and convinces him that Celestia and society have abandoned him.

Believe me, which is a lot easier to believe than you would think.

However, Death offers him a chance to belong and asks him to join Dracula and help him in his resurrection. Dirt Nap, longing for acceptance, agrees.

In Ponyville, Pinkie Pie is continuing to help ponies, including her extended family the Cakes (nice to see them for a change), make it to hospitals and shelters. When suddenly a large creature that looks like this appears.

If that’s not scary, I don’t know what is.

Okay, it’s not Iron Will. It’s actually more demonic looking.

Pinkie Pie tries to distract it to keep it away from civilians. So, what does she do to distract them? She tells it a joke.

… Okay, I’ll give you points for making me laugh at a good scene in fan fiction. That’s actually really difficult to do.

And I can’t argue with the results, since the monster chases Pinkie Pie like she just insulted his mother. However, the creature is quickly gaining on Pinkie Pie, when all of the sudden, Rainbow Dash rams into the creature, crushing its ribs.

Pinkie Pie doesn’t take the creature’s death well.

Now, this is a very good scene where Pinkie Pie breaks down and admits that they had to get rough on the bad guys, but they never resorted to murder. Rainbow Dash comforting her.

However, before they get very far, the creature gets up and roars at them. … What? They’re like the monsters in the game. They just never die.

We then cut back to Death and the others where Applejack is seen taking down Death’s dog. Death attempts to murder Applejack for killing his friend, but Applejack is able outwit him and avoid his attack. Actrise tries to help, but Applejack proves too quick and steals the rib from them.

I know this is supposed to make Applejack cool and all, and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for that, but this just makes Death and Actrise kind of suck.

As Applejack disappears, Death orders Actrise to find her and retrieve the missing piece, while he goes to find the others.

Actrise disagrees with this since a non-magical pony is beneath her talents.

Oh, yeah, bitch! That non-magical pony just whipped your ass and outwitted Death! I think she’s earned your respect! Earth Ponies forever, mother buckers!

Dirt Nap, being the newest servant and has a desire to prove his worth, requests that he be the one to retrieve the rib, since he already has a great hatred for the Apple Family. Particularly, Applejack.

Dracula’s spirit then appears and grants Dirt Nap the powers of Hell.

We then cut back to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as they attempt to outrun the behemoth. They manage to trick the behemoth into one of the buildings and the rubble crushes nearby zombies that were threatening the town.

Pinkie Pie then discovers that Roseluck is still in danger and makes an effort to rescue her.

Meanwhile, Twilight travels to the library to check on Spike and to hopefully bring order to the town. She finds Spike and many of her friends, including Applejack, Rarity and Sweetie Belle.

Applejack reveals the bone she found at Sweet Apple Acres and explains (briefly for those of you who know I hate retreads of stuff we just read) how she received it.

A creature attacks the library before any of them can catch their breath and Twilight manages to teleport everypony just out of the building. The creature then demands the ribs from Twilight.

:twilightangry2: For the hundredth time, the McRib is a seasonal item!

The creature attacks the group, but Applejack and Twilight are able to repel it.

The fiery monster attached to Dirt Nap lifts its arms and howls. In an instant, all the nearby houses are set aflame with the sound of a roaring lion proclaiming its victory. "Look at all this power!" Dirt Nap declares as the neighborhood erupts. "I’m like a god! You honestly think you could 'end' me? You have no chance!"

Because they defeated a God who can warp reality how he wants? And what do you do? Fire? Oh, I’m sure Bowser would be impressed.

And then Twilight starts to talk to Dirt Nap, asking why he wants to destroy them. Dirt Nap explains that he just wanted to be loved and when he didn’t receive it, he demanded retribution. However, Twilight points out a flaw in his quest for revenge.

"Because you were never a good pony."

Dirt Nap blinked. "What?!"

"You never stopped to say hello, you never went out of your way to help anypony. You never acted friendly towards anypony. You did your job, but you never helped yourself, and you never helped anypony else in any way." Twilight stands up straight, looking at Dirt Nap right in the eye. "That's why you don't have friends, Dirt Nap."

Oh, so Dirt Nap is actually Mykan in disguise. Yes, I already made a Mykan joke in this review, but how could I not take this opportunity?

Yeah, while I’m not opposed to Twilight talking down an opponent, this is really weird. Anyway, Dirt Nap, pissed off about the flaw in logic, attacks Twilight. Applejack manages to protect her, and before Dirt Nap can take the rib, Twilight teleports it to the “End Zone”, the final level in one of the Sonic games.

Rarity, Spike and Sweetie Belle manage to escape while Twilight and Applejack deal with the creature.

We then cut to Scootaloo who is trying to escape a group of creatures, but gets cornered by them. However, thanks to Fluttershy and her magic cross, Scootaloo is able to get to safety.

Meanwhile, Twilight and Applejack battle the creature, but it proves too powerful for them. Twilight asks Applejack to run and get to safety, while she figures out a way to defeat. Applejack refuses, saying that she is not about to abandon her.

"Remember when we went after Nightmare Moon?" interrupts Twilight. "And I was about to fall off a cliff to what I thought would be my death? And you looked me in the eye, and told me to let go? I trusted you, and I was safe." Twilight looks Applejack right in the eyes as Aguni begins to scratch and pound on the shield like an angry tiger. "Do you trust me, Applejack?"

Must… not … succumb… to … easy… joke…

Applejack feels tears forming in her eyes. Her throat clenches as fire climbs all around the forcefield.

"Do you trust me?"

Must … resist… must… oh, fuck it.

:ajsmug: I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes.

Clop fic-ers are going to love this one.

:twilightsmile: A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew!

Applejack listens to Twilight and darts off, in which Applejack discovers the “End Zone” is actually on top of her head, under her hat.

Rarity, Spike and Sweetie Belle get pinned down by zombies and Spike offers to make a heroic sacrifice to save them.

Bye, Spike. Have a nice after-life!

Oh, I kid. Rarity actually berates Spike for this, saying that she would rather them die together than live on without him. However, Spike says that it is his honor to defend his lady. Spike charges in and before he can be torn to shreds, Fluttershy arrives and repels the creatures.

And everyone wonders why you are useless, Spike.

Youtube Video

What did I do?!

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie battle the behemoth in another part of the city. However, they get pinned down by the creature and with Roseluck bleeding out, Pinkie Pie realizes that Rainbow Dash needs to get her to a hospital or she could die. Pinkie Pie is able to distract the creature, so Rainbow Dash can get Roseluck to safety.

However, the creature pins down Pinkie Pie and it looks like it might be the end for her.

Suddenly, Fluttershy appears to stop the behemoth in its tracks just before it can devour Pinkie Pie.

Back with Twilight, she is seen battling Dirt Nap, playing keep away long enough for Applejack to get as far away from them as possible. However, Twilight realizes that she can’t keep teleporting away forever and knows she has to come up with a plan.

She lures him to a lake and quickly douses his fire.

Looks like Dirt Nap is now… Maud Pie…

Youtube Video

Dirt Nap feels that he’s toyed with Twilight long enough and wants nothing but to incinerate her. However, she has access to the “End Zone” so he can’t kill her without losing access to the rib.

A nearby child starts crying and Dirt Nap feels he can use it as leverage to get Twilight to do what he wants.

Twilight agrees to his terms and says she will bring back the rib if he spares the child. Of course, knowing that Dirt Nap may still hurt the child even if he gets the rib back, Twilight tries stalling until she figures out a way to beat Dirt Nap and protect the filly.

The distraction comes in the form of his behemoth charging straight at him. With this, Twilight is able to grab the filly and get her to safety. However, Dirt Nap is not so lucky.

Looks like Dirt Nap is taking a… dirt nap…

Youtube Video

I thought it was funny, sir.

Shut up, Computer.

Twilight tries to outrun the behemoth, but starts to slowly pass out. She is saved at the last minute by a stallion who comes right out of nowhere.

The night finally ends and the ponies come out to experience what Tokyo must feel like after Godzilla just spent the night. At the hospital, the stallion introduces himself to the main six as Aeon, a man who exists out of time and keeps balance. So, kind of like the Doctor from Doctor Who.

Pinkie Pie explains that she met Aeon some time ago and that they had an adventure together which Pinkie was able to save her own life. I would say it was in another story, but I have yet to find it. Which makes it seem out of place since we never actually saw this adventure. The only thing it does explain is the appearance of the cross which Aeon had given to Pinkie because he knew somepony would need it. But that would have been nice to have been seen, even in an extended story.

They ask Aeon about what’s going on and why the rib is so important. Aeon explains that the rib is part of the body of Dracula and that his servants have been collecting them as part of a ritual to bring him back from the dead. Well, dead from the undead. I know, it’s confusing.

He explains the history of the Belmont clan and their relationship with Dracula. Dracula would try to terrorize the world and Belmonts would always be there to stop him. However, Richter Belmont went mad after being forced to kill his loved one, who was tainted by Dracula.

Pfft, that’s nothing. Loved ones of the Belmonts get killed all the time in Castlevania games. Just ask Leon Belmont, who was forced to kill his loved one and watch his best friend betray him because it turned out his best friend was *spoilers*

After the Belmonts were defeated by themselves, someone in the human world had sent the pieces of Dracula’s corpse into separate dimensions in the hopes that they would never be used to resurrect him. However, Dracula’s minions discover this and set out to tear apart the worlds they fell upon.

I wonder if they ever ran into Unicornicopia. That would sure make that story a hell of a lot better. Especially the part where Rhymey’s stupid face gets… Sorry, got to stop that.

Aeon also explains that Princess Celestia is alive, but she has fled their dimension.

:trollestia: Screw you guys. I’m going home.

Okay, that’s not what really happened.

Celestia has written a letter confirming Aeon’s story and confirming that she and Luna are alive. She explains how dire the situation is and how she is unable to help them. However, she offers some encouraging words and an uplifting speech.

Yeah, I’m sure they’ll remember that when they’re getting their lungs ripped out of their chests. What they hell are you and Luna doing anyway?!

We then get a scene where Pinkie Pie convinces Aeon to reveal his true human form for Lyra. While it is pretty pointless to the overall plot of things, I’m mentioning because this seems like a realistic thing for Pinkie Pie to do. While I don’t understand Lyra’s weird obsession with human hands, if she did have it, and Pinkie Pie had access to it, and knew it would make her smile, Pinkie Pie do everything in her power to provide that in order to make a friend of her’s smile.

If you are going to do a pointless scene, have it make sense why it is there. This is a perfect example of a ‘pointless scene’ that works. And even then, it’s not really that pointless, since it shows us great character development by both Aeon, who is generous enough to let Lyra see him in his human form and Pinkie, who convinces him to do this seemingly little thing to lift somepony’s spirit after a crisis!

We then get a good dose of what the Rithmatist is about (for those of you who are interested in that book) as Twilight instructs several unicorns about magically conjuring a strong enough force field to last them the night, in case the creatures come back.

And I would just like to take a moment about how impressed I am with this story’s writing. It’s very descriptive, there is good action, the grammar and spelling is very…

"See you guys tomorro,"

Youtube Video

Meanwhile, Applejack arrives at Sweet Apple Acres to survey the damage. Applejack is worried about how they are going to survive after the devastation the farm took as well as the apple orchard, but Granny Smith simply says that they will just rebuild.

Applejack looks to her grandmother, fighting her tears. "B-But... but it'd take years b'fore any new trees'll produce any more apples. Y'might..." Her voice drops to a whisper, dreading what she is about to say. "Y'might not live long 'nuff t'see this orchard git back up on her hooves."

Oh, please, if Equestria has taught me anything it’s that the soil here is fertile enough that you’ll have apple trees shooting out apples by the end of the week.

Meanwhile, Big Mac is helping find survivors and escorting the dead to a bonfire to be burned so they don’t come back as zombies. Also, since nopony else in all of Equestria knows how to run a graveyard and since Twilight kind of killed the last one, nopony knows how to dig a pony sized hole.

Twilight makes her way back to the hospital where Spike asks her to try and rest. Twilight is about to do so when she overhears Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash bickering.

Rainbow Dash looks to her friend. "Twi, why'd you have to let this guy help me?! He's a total asshat!"

Hey, only I can use vulgar language in my review! If everypony started doing it, I’d be out of a job!

Twilight berates Rainbow Dash for being pigheaded and explains that they will need all the help they can get if they are to defeat Dracula.

Shatterstorm leaves after some more bickering with Rainbow Dash and Twilight follows him. He starts to explain his relationship with his mother, who he mentioned before.

I swear if this is a child abuse scene… I’m gonna yell about it.

Actually, it turns out that Shatterstorm had been manipulated by mares all his life. Oh, so it’s Damion’s story. … Wow, going all the way back.

Shatterstorm breaks down claiming that he is useless. Spike comes in and starts to encourage Shatterstorm, saying that he knows what it’s like to be viewed that way.

"But, you gotta remember, nopony's ever really worthless. Sure, we all do dumb things and we screw up, and ponies we know and love are gonna get hurt by our mistakes. But on the other hand, we'll do things that help in the long run. We go out of our way to help anypony that needs it, and make 'em happy.

"You might have failed a few times in the past, and you're gonna fail again, sure. But even if you fail ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the one success you make might be all it takes to change the world.

"I dunno what went on between you and your mom, and I don't know why mares treat you like dirt. But that's all in the past. They can't hurt you anymore." Spike slowly leans in. "You can't let them keep hurting you. What they did to you in the past should never keep you from doing the right thing, right now."

… Wow… That was a trip. I haven’t felt this good since that coke high.

Fluttershy returns to her cottage to bury several of her animal friends after the night’s chaos. Fluttershy believes that because she wasn’t able to save any of them that she is a coward. Aeon arrives and explains to Fluttershy that the work she was able to do saved many last night. Fluttershy has a hard time accepting this since it was Angel that found the cross that helped her.

However, Aeon explains that if Angel had not found her alive, than it was unlikely that anypony she cared about would have survived the night. Fluttershy accepts this and joins Aeon as they head back to the hospital to help who they can.

At the hospital, Sweetie Belle begins to have a panic attack and claims that they are all going to die. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom try to calm her down, but it’s finally when Rarity arrives that she begins to listen to reason.

Meanwhile, Spike begins to gather some supplies for the force field spell while Twilight rests.

Twilight, after gaining a few hours rest, meets with Roseluck. Roseluck explains the visions she keeps having and Twilight explains that she has been having them as well.  She tells Twilight that the castle has marked her for an enemy and that it wants to completely destroy her.

Because apparently the giant behemoth and the flaming Dirt Nap wasn’t clear enough.

Rainbow Dash hears about Shining Armor and asks Twilight why she didn’t hear about it until now. Shatterstorm tries to answer for her, but the two just bicker about it. Twilight, finally able to calm Rainbow Dash and Shatterstorm down, explains that there was a lot on her mind and not a lot they could do to help him. Rainbow Dash says that she still would have liked to have known since she wants to support them.

And here something I’d like to bring up. Many readers have pointed out that some of the characters seem a little out of character in some points here. And they kind of are. But it works for this particular situation.

Allow me to explain, they have just gone through a crisis. A crisis that dealt with monsters, demons, zombies, Death, and running around trying to protect ponies as best they can. Most, if not all of them, have not gotten any sleep since the whole thing started. They are exhausted, tired, probably hungry, mentally and spiritually drained. It shows in their actions and their dialogue. Most of the characters are easily irritated or say things that they wouldn’t normally.

I know I’m the first to jump when a character doesn’t act like their normal selves, but here, it doesn’t bother me, because the situation where they don’t act completely in character is justified. You don’t expect them to act 100% due to what they have experienced. None of these characters have ever encountered something like this before and they are trying to cope with it the best that they can. This obviously leads to some character moments where they feel like they are the same characters we know, but just a little different because it is not a normal situation for the characters.

And this story does that part extremely well. While Rainbow Dash is easily irritated or Twilight leaving on a sour note in this and several other scenes, it’s easy to relate to because the situation they have been through is overwhelming.

Okay, back to the story. As I said, Twilight leaves the hospital room just wanting to be left alone.

Twilight starts a list of things that Intelligent McDickface might need to know when her friends come in to check on her. They find out that Intelligent McDickface is actually quite attractive and that Twilight and he would make a cute couple.

Hey, any couple would be better developed than half the OC’s I read about. Or Flash Sentry for that matter.

"There's too much estrogen in here. I'm gonna be right outside."

Rainbow Dash smirks. "Whatsamatter, Shatters? Afraid your balls are gonna fall off if you stay too long?"

Geez, Rainbow Dash has kind of a potty mouth on her. I wonder… Naw, naw… That’d be stupid.

Five days pass after the attack on Ponyville and the rebuilding process has begun. Twilight continues to study the rib in hopes of finding a way to track the other pieces and obtain them before Dracula’s crew do, but without much success.

Spike beings to worry about her, saying that she has foregone sleep, food and even restroom breaks to finish her project.

As Twilight is about to take a break, somepony decided they didn’t want to hang around anymore.

Inside the room, there is a body hanging from a noose. The sound it makes as it swings lazily from the ceiling beam reminds Rainbow Dash of gritting teeth.

Oh, let’s see if I can milk this scene for all its worth with a hastily rushed fan fic to drive emotion! … Like other fics I’ve reviewed…

Rainbow Dash doesn’t take the death well and Aeon tries talking to her. Rainbow Dash says that she’s always prided herself on helping others in their time of need and that for once, she feels powerless.

Aeon explains that it is natural, but Rainbow Dash doesn’t want to hear it.

After that, Rainbow Dash continues to guard the rib with Twilight researching it. Not too far away, Scootaloo is speaking with Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash overhears that Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash would make a cute couple.

Oh, is this romantic sitcom I’m hearing?! I can just see it now…

Rainbow Dash is a tough tom-boy who is loyal to the end. Shatterstorm is arrogant stallion, searching for something to fill the void of his lost friend. A force will drive these two to bicker. A force named Scootaloo. But will they see how much they need each other or will Scootaloo have to perform a magic love potion on them?

Tune in to our new show, Love Hurts.

The ratings would be huge.

However, Rainbow Dash doesn’t think so, as she snaps at Scootaloo. However, she quickly feels bad about it after Scootaloo runs off. Geez, Rainbow Dash has got a little too much sand in her vagina.

Scootaloo runs into Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie explains that Rainbow Dash simply overreacted. Okay, there is a fine line between overreacting and blatant out of character moments. You are on the border.

We cut to Sweetie Belle who is still trying to recover from everything that has happened. Rarity is trying her best to comfort her, but Sweetie Belle isn’t doing much better.

It turns out that Sweetie Belle has been poisoned by an unknown arcane element and the doctors are unable to help. Rarity demands them to find an antidote, but the doctors don’t even know where to start to save her.

However, it seems that Sweetie Belle isn’t the only pony to be affected by the strange poison as begins to affect other children, including Apple Bloom. Maybe they are actually in a dream sequence where Luna sings to them and takes them into her night. Wouldn’t that be a twist?

Aeon goes off to check on Twilight to see what kind of progress she’s made. Pinkie Pie and Scootaloo meet with him and say that they need to find Rainbow Dash.

Aeon goes off to check on Twilight to see what kind of progress she’s made. Pinkie Pie and Scootaloo meet with him and say that they need to find Rainbow Dash.

Aeon goes off to check on… wait… Have I done this before? … Déjà vu…

Actually, that’s exactly what is going on. Aeon starts to re-experience scenes from a few moments ago. However, he is the only one who can notice the time loop.

A pony named Marble attacks Shatterstorm as he guards over the rib. After knocking Shatterstrom out, she confronts Twilight and demands her to give her the rib.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack overhear the attack and try to go and help, but before they can get far, a time loop occurs preventing them from getting to Twilight.

Aeon quickly realizes what is going on and goes through the hospital to confront the creature. It turns out the white rabbit from earlier is a Chronomage and is controlling time and space to serve Dracula’s goal. Aeon quickly attacks the Chronomage in the hopes of restoring time to normal.

Back to Twilight, Marble explains that the poison in the hospital was her doing and that if Twilight wants the cure that will save the children, she will surrender the rib. Twilight, not seeing many alternatives, surrenders the rib to her.

Just before Twilight can get the cure, Marble says that Twilight must escort her out of the hospital safely otherwise, she will forfeit the cure. Twilight, seeing an opportunity since her opponent is merely doing this to rub her victory over in her in her face, agrees, in the hopes of coming up with a plan before Marble can get away with her plan.

Meanwhile, Aeon and the Chronomage continue to do battle, almost mirroring each other. The Chronomage taunts him as he draws out the battle longer and longer.

After a while, Aeon figures out why. A tear in the time has become bigger and this fight is just a distraction so he wouldn’t notice.

Aeon quickly ends the fight and finds the tear in time and uses all the magic he has to repair it.

As Twilight and Applejack escort Marble down the hallway, Twilight racks her brain to come up with a plan to outwit Marble. She can’t attack Marble since that would destroy the bottle. If she tried to steal the bottle, it would be destroyed. If any spell she had targeted the bottle, it would be destroyed. However, she comes up with the plan of stealing the liquid away from the bottle without Marble knowing. (which in the grand scheme of things will all come to nothing)

Twilight goes through her mind and finds the answer she is looking for after talking with her giant Smartypants doll. … What? I’ve seen weirder shit.

In the Cemetery of Ponyville, which is still looking for new management, Aeon and the Chronomage still battle to see who is the master of time.

But neither one of them will win. We all know who the master of time really is.

Aeon starts to lose badly and after being tossed around like a rag doll, the Chronomage leaves him to continue his mission.

Meanwhile, Bon Bon leaves the hospital feeling down after what nearly happened to Lyra. However, she runs into Aeon and Aeon manages to convince her to help him. It turns out a group of lanterns have been scattered around the graveyard and that Bon Bon needs to destroy them.

They will then pop out hearts which Bon Bon uses for ammo of her secondary weapon. Such as the Knife or the axe.

Bon Bon starts to destroy the lanterns, but as she does, mud creatures attack Bon Bon, making it more difficult for her.

However, after outwitting the mud creatures, Bon Bon destroys the last of the lanterns, which allows Aeon to recover his strength. Aeon tells Bon Bon to go back to the hospital and wait for him. Meanwhile, he does the Doctor body recovery thing.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention is this Applejack’s father subplot. During the night, it turns out that Applejack’s father had killed several children. Applejack and Big MacIntosh are upset over this, blaming themselves and feeling this tarnishes their family name. However, her father was a walking corpse.

Yeah, kind of seeing the problem.

This scene that is supposed to be difficult for Applejack and Big Mac doesn’t feel justified. I know they knew their father, but it says that he was laid to rest a long time ago and that he had been a corpse for years. Putting aside how his body managed to hold up that they recognized him out of his grave, he had lost his mind when he became a zombie. Any part of him that was him was gone when they buried him.

So, this scene makes no sense! This emotional moment has no merit for me because it wasn’t established very well, it has no reason to be here, doesn’t further the story or develop the characters, and it is out of place since there is no reason for them to feel the way they do, since their father had been dead for years and that the zombies have no humanity.

But whatever, back to the story, Applejack beats herself up for her father’s body being used as a killing tool, again makes no sense to me why she would feel that way.

As Applejack leaves the hospital, Big Mac runs into her and talks to her. Applejack says she wants nothing but to kill Marble, believe me I feel the same way, but Big Mac manages to talk her out of it, saying that they are better ponies than that.

Suddenly, the Doctor comes out of his Tardis and… Oh, wait, it’s just Aeon.

Aeon appears and asks to see Twilight and Applejack briefly explains what has happened.

Meanwhile, as Twilight and Marble make their way to the hospital exit, Marble continues to mock her and Twilight pushes it out of her mind as best she can.

Applejack asks Aeon why he doesn’t just fix everything by traveling in time, but Aeon says it doesn’t work that way. Marble continues to insult the others and we find out that Marble this whole time has been Actrise.

Ha, I see what you did there.

Actrise gets outside and before she can give the potion to them, she teleports it away, laughing manically, feeling that she has won. However, it turns out that she teleported it to Applejack’s hat? Okay...

It turns out that Actrise had tried to manipulate the real Marble into performing the task, however, when she refused, Actrise stepped in instead. She manages to convince Marble to follow orders, for if she doesn’t, she will kill Big Mac.

Back at the hospital, Twilight and the others administer the cure, which brings everypony back from the brink.

Back at the castle, the Chronomage reveals that they have lost the ability to feel Dracula’s influence. Death appears before the two and doesn’t seem too happy about them. Death reveals that Twilight had outwitted Actrise by casting a spell; while she believed it was something else.

Anyway, Death explains that he is not pleased with her and orders her to go ‘cupcakes’ on Twilight or he will go ‘cupcakes’ on her.

Back at the hospital, Twilight explains that her plan to null the enemies ability to sense Dracula, forcing them to scout the land aimlessly to find their master’s body parts, buying them an infinite amount of time.

However, it turns out that before Twilight could save the all the children Actrise killed several of them and left them for Twilight to find.

… Thanks for that image… That’s… nice…

… I need a moment…

…

…

…

…

Okay, I’m good…

That was actually a powerful scene. Very emotional and very heartbreaking. This scene showed us that the main six failed. Something that is so rarely done well in stories. It shows for the first time that the main six and the citizens of Equestria are completely vulnerable. And it is done spectacularly.

…

…

… Too bad it’s completely undermined by the epilogue. Yeah, the epilogue undermines this very powerful moment.

We see all these positive things going on. Sweetie Belle recovering, the Apples visiting the graves their parents, Fluttershy’s animals return to normal, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash promising to remember the children who died to their enemy, and Twilight stating her resolve to bring down Dracula.

This should have been the moment that broke the main six’s spirits. They are supposed to be the heroes of Equestria and they failed. Even with all their planning, all their skills, and all their effort they failed. This should hit them a lot harder than it does in this epilogue. They act like it’s an everyday occurrence when it should be something that cripples them.

I know that you are trying to end on a positive note, but any positive note you end on, unless it is the kids miraculously come back to life, it’s going to undermine what just happened. There should be 127 sets of parents banging on Twilight door demanding to know what happened and why their children had to die.

This should be a very defeating moment for these characters and I never felt that this situation was a big deal for them, so why should it be a big deal for me? Maybe it’s explained better in the sequels, but it would have been so much better if the story had ended before the epilogue.

THIS STORY…

…is actually pretty damn good.

While there are parts that I didn’t like and some things that I do question, there was a lot to enjoy in this story.

It had great atmosphere, good pacing, a great cast, good action and it was downright scary.

The story was dripping with atmosphere, giving you a sense of hopelessness as the story progressed. It was constantly keeping you on your toes and constantly frightening you.

And while there are references to the Castlevania series throughout, it never felt overwhelmed at any time. It flowed with the story and explained only what was necessary. And even if you’ve never heard of Castlevania, it gave enough details to the vague references that you wouldn’t be lost, or it was universal enough to make sense.

The only time I felt that the references were bad was in the middle with the ‘Super Mario’ reference. If someone had never played that game, they wouldn’t understand the reference, but that’s nitpicking.

Like I said, the ending hurt it a bit for me, because it tried to be dark and emotional, but then instantly trying to be light hearted. That’s like saying “Oh, your daddy died. Oh, look puppy!”

That doesn’t work for me and it kills the emotion we’re supposed to feel.

Overall, an enjoyable story if you are looking for something scary and dark, with plenty of twist, turns and surprises. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out this Nightmare Month, make sure you do it next one.

And that is Nightmare Month. Thank you all for joining me. We had some fun here this night. But I must rest for a year. The night is near its end, making way for the sunlight. And like all creatures of the night, I must sleep until the nightmares come again.

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The Lost Prince

The door burst open with a violent shove. Five fucking months for nothing! He threw the heavy book in his hooves across the room. Like a pebble on a gentle stream, it skipped across the floor landing in front of a large monitor with computerized eyes, hanging from what looked like a large robotic arm.

“You seemed troubled, sir?” Computer asked.

He gave an annoyed smiled. “Oh, really? You think, Computer?” His grinning face vanished, leaving only his usual scowling frown. “Five months I’ve been working on that story and what do the publishers do?! They fucking reject it! Again!”

Computer picked up the book from the ground with one of her robotic arms from the wall. “Did they at least give a reason?”

He walked inside, slamming the door on his way in. “’It’s not what we are looking for in a story’,” he said in a mocking high pitch tone. “I give them something they can put in a story.”

“I am sorry to hear that, sir. But you should be proud of yourself. I know how hard you worked on this.”

He shook his head, placing his hoof on above his brow. “Whatever. I don’t care. Burn it.”

Computer looked up to him as she flipped through the pages of his book. “Sir, you cannot be serious.”

He made his way to his spot on the ground and looked up to her. “It’s my book I can do whatever the hell I want with it! Burn it!”

Computer’s eyes created a scowl like image. “No, sir. That is something I will not do. I will not have you throw away five months of your life.”

A disappointment. That’s what that story was. Nothing, but a disappointment. And yet, she would rather keep it? Maybe as an insult to him. He shook his head and scoffed. “Fine, do what you want with it. But don’t ever show it to me again.”

Computer took the book into one of the walls, where the pocket dimension, as he called, stored such things that Computer did not want him to have access to. Such as his shotgun. What he wouldn’t give to go out and shoot something with it. But according to Computer and Celestia, that would be irresponsible.

He slammed his head against the ground, secretly hoping his head would burst open and his brain would spill out to the floor. However, his skull remained intact. He thought about doing it again, but as the searing pain stretched across his forehead, he decided against it.

“Okay, what’s on the agenda for today?”

“The Lost Prince by Pinkman24”

With those words, he thought that hitting his face against the ground would be a more pleasant way to spend his afternoon.

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Prince.

Sorry, let me try that again. A prince. Something that’s not often seen in My Little Pony fan fiction. And by not very often, I mean all the time.

And today our story is no different. That’s right. Our main character for this story is a prince. While I’m not entirely opposed to it, it has to be done well and with care if it is to succeed. Just like most OC royalties that we see. And it isn’t made better when it turns out they are the lost brother/son/cousin twice removed of the normal Princesses, without a really good reason of why they wouldn’t explain why they don’t mention him.

And fortunately for you guys, this story does just that. It’s a festering pile of shit that I get to read for you. I hope you guys appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.

Sorry, I’m not in a particularly good mood today and this story is not going to help me any. So, let’s get this over with…

Before we get into the story, let’s take a moment to look at the description. This is how to turn off readers, if any of you are interested in making sure your view and likes count stay low.

The Young prince Roy ( Not lieutenant colonel Roy get your head out of the anime) Sets off on a Journey away from Canterlot. Roy will be facing many torturous challenges along the way to find out what he is and why he is alive. While Roy is a 7 year old colt he can handle himself well, but not as well as other colt's though, because he has been pampered all his life without any proper training. Roy does have an unnatural ability that many ponies don't call normal, so most ponies consider Roy a changeling. ( This story is taken from Roy's POV )

How Roy looks, and what he knows: silvery blue mane, darkened blue skin, Silvery blue tail, stainless steel horseshoes, No cutie mark on flank, Was trained to use simple magic,

Ooooooooh…. Where to even begin?

First off, it’s written poorly. Many caps and grammar errors are thrown throughout this thing. It’s clear he quickly wrote it in five minutes, but didn’t bother to look at it twice.

Second, Roy is 7 years old, but can take care of himself? Bullshit! Unless he was raised his whole life by apes, I’m not going to buy it!

Third, unnatural abilities? Heh, I wonder how long it will take to use those abilities to make up whatever rules he likes as well as not use them in situations where he clearly should have.

Fourth, why are telling us what point of view this takes place from? As soon as a reader opens the story, it should be obvious where the point of view is coming from. Why did you feel you had to explain that in the description and not in the actual story.

Fifth, why are you describing to us what your character looks like in a description?! This should be in the story! Everything about the characters, plot, and settings should all be in the story! Not in the description! The description is what draws readers in, it shouldn’t be the only fountain of information about certain elements!

Sixth, what anime are you referring to? If someone hasn’t seen the anime, how would you get the reference?! It forces someone to look on Wikipedia to know what your joke is about. Someone like me, who probably doesn’t watch it, misses the joke. By the way, the Roy I think of that is a prince is this one…

Unless you are doing a Fire Emblem/MLP crossover, I’m not particularly interested in your story!

We start our story proper with the main character doing what all main characters do in these types of stories; drowning in angst.

Here I am laying in my bed. Not knowing what I am going to make of myself tomorrow. Am i going to go out into town, or I don't know study up on my duty's as an alicorn. All this seems so complicated to me.

Wait, so you don’t know study? I assume you mean, you are asking yourself if you should study on what to do as an alicorn, but that is not easily made clear. All this seems so complicated to me.

Someones opening the door I had better be quite.

Quite? Quite what? Annoying? Yes, you are quite annoying and so is the writing.

"Roy are you  still awake?" Celestia says as she pokes her head through the door.

"Yes." I reply trying to sound tired.

Why are you trying to sound tired? Is it so you can make Celestia feel bad about waking you up, or you just want to be left alone? At what point did you establish that?!

Anyway, Celestia explains that after their parent’s died (yes, Roy is related to Celestia and Luna. Called it) that Celestia was given charge of the sun and Luna was given charge of the moon. However, Roy didn’t get something for himself, his parents saying that he has to find that out on his own. Because his parents hated him as much as I do right now.

Roy takes this pretty well.

"get out." I reply to her in a soft voice

"Why Roy?" Celestia asks wondering what has gotten into me

”Get Out!” I roar at her from under my blankets

Using a bigger size font makes me seem more intense! That is why I use it all the time through this story.

Oh and I’m not even kidding, rather than letting the words, speech, tone and descriptions speak for themselves, he uses the font size for every single character that yells out something.

"HELLO ROY!"  Luna says in her regular booming voice.

”MY EARS! I scream trying to sound just as loud.

"LUNA COME RAISE THE MOON!"

BUT NOW I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING. I scream out in frustration.

There is no purpose for it! It’s trying to be fancy, but it comes off as annoying.

Then and there celestia left me laying there with tears in my eyes. I didn't want her to see me cry, but why were my own parents unable to tell this to my face were they really that heartbroken they were unable to tell me so they sent celestia.

Um… probably because they were dead? Wow, for a pony who can supposedly take care of himself, you seem to be pretty bad at catching details. Unless, somepony is in denial and keeps his parent’s corpses around, and we all know how that turns out.

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I don’t care if Nightmare Month is over. This is still a good scene from a good movie and it would make this story a lot more interesting.

I woke up the next morning changed. I went grabbed my breakfast, and went back to my room locked the door with my wings and ate in silence while thinking to myself.

What exactly is he thinking to himself?

…

…

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

"Roy you sent for me, and can you open up." I look up with interest as the head of the guards finally knocks on the door.

"Sure" I reply trying to hint nothing to the plan I had just hatched.

What plan?! You haven’t hinted at anything! There has been no thought process, no scheming, nothing! You’re trying to do a mystery, but you forgot to give us clues to the mystery! Have you never watch Scooby Doo?! A mystery needs clues!

"Why was the door locked? were you doing something?" The head of the guard tries to say this with a small grin popping onto his face.

Roy: I wasn’t writing fan fiction about me and Twilight banging each other! Where did you get that crazy idea?!

Roy asks the guard if he would be willing to teach him how to fly. The guard is hesitant, even though he is an alicorn and he should know how, but Roy convinces him otherwise. I’m not sure why he doesn’t go to his older sister, Celestia, but hey, the story hasn’t made sense yet.

The guard takes Roy outside and explains that Roy has never used his wings. He forces him to do some exercises to get his wings going. Roy performs as followed and in 10 seconds, he is able to hover off the ground.

You know, because that’s how muscles work! I could do 10 push-ups right now and then go out and lift a truck over my head! That’s how muscles work!

It takes time! Muscles are something that need to be built over time! You can’t just do one pull up or run one mile and be able to perform ten. It takes time to do that, and this insults any hard working athlete by saying if you can’t do it on your first try, you’re an idiot! Screw you, story!

So, after all that by the end of the day, as if the author couldn’t piss me off any more, Roy is able to fly, not very fast I will grant you, but still fly. One day! One fucking day! Flying is difficult, my ass! One fucking day and he’s flying!

Bull fucking shit! Especially since you made this whole speech about “flying is hard”!

As the night falls, Roy takes his new flying talent and goes out to find out what his purpose in life is. Because, you know, a seven year old thinks about these kinds of things? What, didn’t you when you were seven?

Credits go to: FreeKissForAll on deviantart for base.

Pony-Bases-For-All on Deviantart for mane and tail.

Young Critique: I’m gonna be superhero when I grow up! Just like Spider-Man!

Oh, I am adorable…

So, the prince flies off and avoids some of the guards, because a pony who just learned to fly today, can avoid pegasi who have been flying for years now. I really hate this story.

The prince manages to find a forest that he can hide in and the guards don’t chase him because they are too scared to go in. Equestria’s finest. They can’t fight Changelings, and spooky forests are too much for them. When you start to think about it, Equestria’s military kind of sucks.

"THERE'S THE PRINCE AFTER EM!" Says one of the guards in the patrol.

Prince After Em, for your crimes against Equestria, we sentence you to Mary Sue prison, where you will be executed via chainsaw by the Critique.

As he makes his way through the Everfree forest, Roy spots a Changeling … Taking a dump?

Eww…

The Queen of the Changelings spots him and orders her troops to catch him and kill him. However, before they can make this story infinitely shorter, Roy is able to cast a spell that turns him from an alicorn to a pegasi. Yeah. Yeah, that’s never explained. No really reason why he would do that. No way that he would know that they wouldn’t kill him if he did that. No reason why he would even know what a Changeling was. Pretty knowledgeable pony for somepony who has never been out of the palace and is only seven years old. I wonder what other things a seven year old would know.

And you can find out by checking out my “Ask Young Critique” Blog.

My younger self will answer questions like, “Are we alone in the universe?”

Young Critique: No, we live with the Gorns and the Daleks.

“How do you know when you’ve had too much chocolate?”

Young Critique: When you barf it all up…

“What are my chances of getting with Twilight Sparkle?”

Eww… cooties!

Go ahead and check it out. In the meantime, I will continue suffering.

Anyway, like I said, the Changelings decide not to kill him, because they believe that he is one of them. Why they don’t just tell him to give up his disguise and look like a normal Changeling is anyone’s guess at this point.

And then the Changelings just leave. … Well, that was pointless. Don’t worry though, there is more pointless Changeling action to come!

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Roy continues to wander the woods wondering how he will get his horn back. Frankly, I’m still wondering how he lost it in the first place!

Roy then runs into a group of Diamond Dogs, the ‘ironically’ named kind, and the dogs bully him for drinking their water. However, the seven year old seems to take it pretty well considering they are probably four times his size, but hey, why would this story know how to write realistic characters?

Speaking of unrealistic, the seven year old takes out and kills a fully grown Diamond Dog… Without any kind of magic, whatsoever. Say it with me kids…

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Anyway, after committing murder, the seven year old gets attacked by a horde of Changelings, even though we already established that they have no interest in him. Consistency?! What’s that?!

But he manages to outfly them, even though he is only seven years old and only learned to fly a night ago.

He manages to escape the flying horde and comes across a hut to rest. We then get an author’s note, explaining the whole story.

Author's Note:

There is the 2nd part a very beautiful well made chapter in my eyes that is amazing and i can't describe it through words, but it put that feeling you get from a good reading.

This is either a troll fic or it was written by the same author who wrote “Harry Potter turns to the Lord”. The way he praises his story like this, I wouldn’t be all that surprised.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the seven year old has found Zecora’s hut and here’s where we butcher rhyming and all its glory.

"Who is this pony that has popped in through my roof for a visit?" She said in a curious tone. "You seem to have been going through the forest alone at such a young age my little pony."

"Do my eyes fail me or is this the little alicorn who ran off from the castle the other day?" She said staring from my horn to my wings.

"No need for any hasty movements your already in bad enough shape." She replied helping me onto a bed.

I sort of feel bad about insulting Zecora’s dialogue in Flutterhulk now.

Yeah, the author doesn’t even attempt to rhyme any of the lines Zecora has. It’s like he couldn’t think of rhymes, so he didn’t bother. There are websites that can help you rhyme you know! It’s not like they’re the plague! Also, isn’t it kind of pointless to put Zecora in your story, but not do the one thing that makes her unique as a character?

Another thing I want to mention before I get too far is the formatting of the story. See if you can spot it from this paragraph.

"So your name is Zecora, and your a zebra in Equestria. I thought zebras lived else where, and not in Equestria." I tell her while the feeling starts to come back from my numb wings. "Yes, and do you mind telling me your name little alicorn, and why you ran away from the castle?" Zecora asked mixing a few herbs in a mixing bowl. "Me, Celestia, and Luna's parents died, and the night after Celestia came to where i was suppose to be sleeping on that horrid night. She told me that my parents were unable to figure out what I was supposed to with my life before they died. What really got me angry was they didn't tell it to my face. My own parents were unable to, so there's your reason."

There should be a new paragraph every time a new character speaks! This one makes it confusing as hell to tell who is talking! At first, I thought the whole thing was the seven year old, but no, Zecora cuts in halfway and then it goes back to him.

It makes it confusing for the reader when there isn’t a new paragraph with each character speaking! And the weird part is this hasn’t been a problem until this chapter! Did you just give up, story? … I mean, not that you tried hard to begin with!

Anyway, as the paragraph stated, the seven year old explains that he ran away because his parents didn’t tell them what his purpose in life was before they died. And here’s why this doesn’t really hold any water for me.

We aren’t told how the parents died! Were they sick?! Was it an accident?! What happened?! We don’t sympathize with this because we don’t know why the parents didn’t tell him! Was it because their death was sudden?! Or were they on their deathbeds?!

I assume the latter, but again, it should be in the story! I shouldn’t have to assume why I should be sympathetic to the main character!

Urgh… Zecora invites him to stay with her until he gets his strength back, when suddenly the main six burst in because they’ve gone through the Poison Joke again. Must be a slow week for them.

Pinkie Pie then accuses the seven year old of being a Changeling.

"Zecora! You have a changeling in your bed!

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Zecora explains that he isn’t a Changeling, I’m not really sure how she would know that since it is never brought up in their conversation, and the seven year old is kind of a dick in this scene. Applejack overreacts to hearing a Changeling and the seven year old says this.

"Would you please stop calling me a changeling I have had a rough time these past few days, and I don't need anymore struggles for my life."

Hold on… Just give me a second…

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Keep telling your sob story, I’m listening…

Anyway, Derpy makes her cameo by bringing mail to Zecora’s hut. I had no idea Ponyville mail delivered to the Everfree Forest, where there are dangerous creatures. Maybe Derpy gets hazard pay because of it.

Skimming through the mail, they find out that Celestia had put out a “Missing Pony” for the seven year old. Yes, I know his name, but frankly, I don’t care at this point. The seven year old tries to get away, but Rainbow Dash catches him easily. They explain why they need to take him back to Canterlot, but the seven year old isn’t having any of it.

And since all the main characters went through the Poison Joke, I assume that their brains have been sucked out of their skulls, because all of a sudden, they decide they are too busy to deal with this problem and leave to sort it out tomorrow. Yeah, I’m sure Princess Celestia would be okay with you not telling her the location of her missing younger brother!

Oh, and if you thought this story was bad before, get a load of this author’s note.

I have to say I did a nice job on this chapter and hopefully I do an even better job on the next with maybe a bit more violence, and bit more how should I put it 'blood'

Oh, god. He can’t even do serious scenes right. Violent scenes are going to be a nightmare. And put it blood? Does that mean you are going to condemn your story?! Because I’d be okay with that!

So, the seven year old decides to stay the night at Zecora’s, risking the main six taking him back to Celestia the next day.

Although Twilight probably should have written a letter to Celestia and told her about where he was, and Celestia would be on her way right then and there, but let’s face it, the author doesn’t care about his story, why the hell should I?

And apparently, he got his horn back. Yeah, never really explained, just sort of happens. Wonderful.

Zecora, actually this isn’t Zecora, so I’m going to call her Dipshit, Dipshit explains that the main six won’t take him back to Canterlot, even though that is the first thing they should do, but again, doesn’t care.

Dipshit asks the seven year old to go out in the forest, alone with no defense of any kind or any support, and find her a leaf. See why she is called Dipshit? Because that was the move of a dipshit!

The seven year old goes out and runs into trouble. Maybe Dipshit hoped that the seven year old would die in the middle of the forest. What? It’s something I would do too.

Suddenly, A wild Changeling appears…

Credits for: Applejack Sprite Vaniljamelodia

Changeling Sprite DMN666

Yeah, I wish.

So, the changeling is easily murdered by the seven year old. And we wonder why he is unrealistic and unlikable?

The main six appear and apparently were watching the entire fight, letting the seven year old fight the adult Changeling on his own. Dicks.

Or maybe they were like Dipshit and just really wanted to see him die?

They don’t even reacting to the fact that the seven year old murdered the changeling in front of them, probably should question that more since the kid is probably a psychopath.

Actually, it turns out that the changeling was a clone that Twilight made with her magic. Though that doesn’t really explain the blood in this scene or make any sense whatsoever!

I mean, come fucking on! Why would they do this?! They say it’s to see if he is a Changeling or not, and I call bullshit! There was no reason that Twilight tried to kill him! There was no reason to go and make a clone of a Changeling for him to fight! There are a hundred different ways they could have resolved this! Use a spell to see if he reacts and changes to a Changeling, just like in the Canterlot Wedding episode. Send a letter to Princess Celestia seeing if he has this mysterious power!

Why did they have to resort to a Changeling clone trying to kill him?! It makes the main six look like absolutely assholes, making them completely out of character and allows the seven year old to experience murder! Of course, any sensible story would have the main six concerned about how much joy the seven year old gets out of murdering somepony, but no, the story isn’t that clever!

So, the main six finally introduce themselves.

"I'm pinkie pie the best party pony you will ever meet!" Said pinkie in a tone telling me she wants party.

Cheese Sandwich…

Awwww, do I have to get my violin out?

"I'm twilight sparkle Celestia's most faithful student" Said Twilight in a tone that explains nothing about her usual self.

I could have explained who the characters are, but… Nah.

"And i'm applejack of sweet apple acres." Says Applejack licking her lips probably thinking about apples.

…

I’ve really got to stop using those clips.

Anyway, the group arrive back at Dipshit’s hut and explain that since he outwitted (not sure where any intelligence came from) the Changeling, that the seven year old would have no trouble outwitting the main six.

I think I just lost half my brain in one sentence.

That morning I was woken up by PinkiePie of all ponies it was PinkiePie.

This sentence makes no sense, seven year old. You are an idiot!

Pinkie Pie invites the seven year old to Sugar Cube Corner, and it’s here that I have to point out the dialogue for the seven year old.

"Sure Pinkie I have always wanted to see a place other than this accursed place I happened to run in on my second day away from the castle."

Let me ask you this, how many seven year olds do you know talk like this? None! Seven year olds do not talk like this! When writing children characters, you have to make them talk like children! They have to act like children! They need to feel like children! This seven year old doesn’t feel like he’s seven, he feels like he’s a smartass 13 year old!

The seven year old points out the flaw in Pinkie’s Plan, but Pinkie has the solution. Throw a cloak over him.

Ah, the dark cloak in a brightly colored town disguise. I’m sure you won’t stick out in anyway.

They make their way to Ponyville, where the seven year old states how good it feels not to be the center of attention. At what point in the story does it state that he was upset about it?! WE DON’T EVEN… You know what, I don’t care.

When they arrive Mrs. Cake says that she has to travel to Fillydelphia to gather some supplies.

Are you seriously saying that Mrs. Cake is going to walk all the way to Fillydelphia?! I suppose she could take a train, but how would she carry her supplies?! Don’t they have shipping companies that deliver most of the stuff for her?! Why does she have to travel to fucking Fillydelpha?! Unless she is just looking for some exercise, lord knows she could use it.

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Okay, okay, I admit that was low. That was really low.

And you wonder why ponies do not like you very much.

Pinkie invites the seven year old how to make cupcakes and takes her into the basement.

Yep, it’s reenacting the ‘Cupcakes’ scene. Okay, this is the one exception I will let slide, if Pinkie Pie (despite it being so out of character that it defies logic) kills the seven year old with the Cupcake formula, I’d be okay with that.

Pinkie Pie starts to try and cut off the seven year old's horn, but he manages to use his magic to break free of his restraints and gets out alive.

Damn it, the one time! ONE FUCKING TIME AND YOU BLEW IT!

He manages to make it to his bed without telling Twilight, Dipshit, or his sister about what just happened. Why doesn’t he tell them what happened?! THERE IS A PSYCOTIC MURDERER AFTER YOU! GO TELL SOMEPONY! DO IT BEFORE SHE CAN THREATEN YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE!

And he is threatened by Pinkie Pie in the middle of the night not to tell anyone. See? Told you.

Author's Note:

I have always been a fan of the dark stuff in the mlp world, and I just wanted to do a bit of that to see how good I would do with the help of a well known psychopath that loves cupcakes pinkamena!

The original interpretation sucks and your version is worse.

So, naturally after nearly being killed by Changelings, assaulted by Diamond Dogs, tied to a basement and threatened to be cut open, as well as murdering a Changeling Clone and a Diamond Dog, the seven years old's psyche is actually holding up pretty well. He’s seems to have taken the constant threat on his life thing in stride.

What was that?

You’re complaining that it’s unrealistic and therefore doesn’t make for an interesting story? … You think that he should have some mental and psychological scaring? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!

While exploring the Everfree Forest, a few days after his incident with Pinkie Pie, because why should we have to worry about psychological scarring in this story, he gets attacked by the Diamond Dogs and locked in a cell.

The Diamond Dogs recognize him as the one who killed their brother, and quick question, was it really wise to attack the seven year old who killed a full adult Diamond Dog?

Anyway, the Diamond Dogs decide they are going to gut him, but the seven year old manages to use his magic to defeat them, because the god’s demanded it.

What? It’s a better explanation than what we are getting!

He then manages his way to where the Diamond Dogs gathered and decides to take them out.

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He returns to Dipshit’s hut where she doesn’t really seem all that bothered that he just murdered an entire legion of Diamond Dogs.

He goes back to Pinkie Pie, which of course doesn’t make any sense since the last time he was there Pinkie Pie almost ate him, but whatever. He pretty much doesn’t have a reason to be there either. He just explains that he’s not like Pinkie Pie and is not insane and doesn’t have a lust for blood.

Tell that to the hundreds of Diamond Dogs that lay dead because of your ‘innocence’.

I wanted to give the diamond dogs a bit of thanks for helping me on the second chapter, because I have never really liked them, and for all you people that think a pony's buck wouldn't be able to kill try getting bucked by one it hurts, and I know first hand, because I have been bucked by one before.

Wait… are you convinced that the Diamond Dogs are real? You do realize that those characters in the show… aren’t real? Because they aren’t.

Also, I’m sure you’ve been bucked by a horse before. Primarily in the head. It would certainly explain a lot.

He flies back to Dipshit’s place where Dipshit is nowhere to be found. As he stays in the hut waiting for Dipshit, he overhears two stallions talking about the so called Rainbow Factory they want to take the seven year old to.

Yes, in case you are wondering, he’s ripping off Rainbow Factory too. Looks like ripping off Cupcakes wasn’t enough. He had to rip off two terrible stories.

The two ponies spot him and despite his best efforts to escape them, they manage to catch him and put him in a sack. So the prince is able to take out an army of Diamond Dogs, but he can’t handle two stallions?

Whatever, the story is almost over.

The two ponies bring the seven year old to the Rainbow Factory and Rainbow Dash explains that he is going to be grounded up into a rainbow.

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Wait, I didn’t say that! It’s just a pizza party! There’s punch and cookies by the door!

However, the seven year old explains that because he defeated Pinkie Pie and her attempt on his life that Rainbow Dash will fail. And she agrees. … Yeah, even though Rainbow Dash clearly says that the seven year old would make multiple rainbows because he is an alicorn, she decides to let him go. So, much for that promotion, eh, Rainbow?

Good lord, this story just keeps going! There is no end in sight!

So, Lyra arrives at Dipshit’s hut explaining she is in search of humans and then leaves… Don’t know why that was essential to the story.

Anyway, the seven year old wanders off and is attacked by a group of Changelings! God, what is it with the Changelings in this story?! Did they kill your parents or something?!

Anyway, after killing them, the seven year old goes off to find Twilight. Which ultimately comes to nothing! God, it’s like the author is just continuing to write to piss me off!

So, it seems that… TEN YEARS HAVE PASSED?!

What… I… Just… What… Huh?

AT WHAT POINT DID WE INDICATE ANY TIME HAS PASSED?! Yeah, it says that a few days have passed, but are you saying that 10 years have passed and Celestia hasn’t figured out where her little brother is?! Maybe she’s hoping that he has died on his own! It certainly would explain why she doesn’t talk about him to the main six!

He kills another Changeling like they are the fucking devil, goes to Ponyville and buys himself a home.

However, the house is all run down. But of course, that’s okay, because the seven year old (I don’t care if he is seventeen by this point) has been taking carpenter lessons from Thunder Ice, repairing it out of rocks.

He manages to turn the place into a forge and our story ends with him finally earning his cutie mark. AT WHAT POINT DID WE EVER INDICATE THAT HE WAS EVER INTERESTING IN FORGING ARMOR AND WEAPONS?!

JESUS FUCK!

And then to top it all off, we get one more author’s note…

Author's Note:

I would have finished this sooner if I had not been an idiot, and stayed up all night, and slept all god damn day. at the least i got it finished so I can work on the second story of Roy's life.

I would have preferred you not been an idiot and never had written this story in the first place…

This story sucks!

Forget the fact that it’s poorly written. What the hell was even the point of this?! I guess it’s about finding his special talent, but there wasn’t really a focus on that! There wasn’t him trying different things to find out what his lot in life is! There wasn’t even a point where he studied forging. He didn’t forge any weapons, he didn’t forge any armor, there was never any practice into it, there wasn’t even any mention of any forging until the final fucking chapter when he says he became a forger, because the god’s demanded it!

And even if there had been, it would have all played backseat to all the pointless fight scenes! Seriously, I don’t think the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy has as many fights scenes! None of them are good! None of them are entertaining! None of them add anything as far as the character except that maybe he enjoys murder! It’s just filler! Stupid filler!

If you are going to have a fight scene, have a point to it! Like Mare of Steel and Equestrylvania! Those stories had great fight scenes and didn’t make any of it pointless!

You know what else they did?! They spaced the fights out! Every time there was a fight scene, there was usually a break in-between them adding to the plot and characters! This story doesn’t do that! It’s just go from one fight scene to the next! And it makes this story, ironically, really fucking boring!

The character of Roy is one of the blandest characters I’ve ever read. He’s not interesting for all that he does. He’s unrealistic. He’s barely interacts with other characters, with the exception of Changelings who he murders with extreme prejudice!

Involving Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory was just stupid! They served nothing to the overall plot of the story and they are just pointless references to what are already bad stories! But as bad as those are, they are not as stupid as this piece of shit!

A terrible story and a stupid character who at the end of the story has no point of existing!

***

He was dangerous. That why he had to be locked away. Locked away deep in the dungeons of Unicornicopia. His strength, rage and aggression made him impossible to predict… and to control. But control is what the Grand Ruler needed. If nothing else, to at least , aim his rage.

Deep under the castle of Unicornicopia, he descended down the long spiral staircase, his wings making his trip infinitely easier. At the ground floor, two unicorns stood upright, giving an honoring salute to their Grand Ruler.

He nodded, his three horns glowing. The door creaked open. The Grand Ruler stepped through the doorway to a short hallway. A pillar of light shined through the doorway revealing a large metallic door. A large lock hanging pompously off the door, like a lock to a vault. However, instead of housing riches, it housed one of the most dangerous humans to ever see Equestria and Unicornicopia.

With a twitch of his eyes, his horn illuminated the dark. Metallic clicks filled the air around him as the vault lock turned slowly. Inch by inch the lock turned, until finally it gave off a loud clicks followed by a screeched that sounded like metal being rubbed against metal.

As the door squealed open like they were in agony due to their large weight, a small room appeared with a small cage inside. The cage was made entirely of wood. From the bars to the floor. Everything.

Inside this cage, sat a human. Male. At least, that is what the Grand Ruler assumed. He had no interest in human anatomy. Nor would he ever be. But some of them had their uses.

The Grand Ruler approached the cage, looking down at the man, sitting in is corner.

The human looked up from his aimless spot, staring the Grand Ruler in the eye. “Well, the jailer finally comes to visit. Am I supposed to be honored?”

The Grand Ruler shook his head. “Most would be locked away forever for the damage you have caused. Destroying a large section of my perfect cities.”

The human narrowed his brow. “And here I thought I was being restricted,” he replied with an impertinent tone. “Good to know I’m special.”

The Grand Ruler gave a smile. “You are special. More special than you realize.” He made his way to a corner of the cage, keeping his gaze on the human. He was a muscular man, but that was nothing to the power that laid within him. He was far stronger than any stallion or pony could ever be. Whatever made him strong was not anything from Unicornicopia. But that did not mean it couldn’t be utilized. “And I realize you are looking for something.”

The man shifted his weight a bit. Obviously, he was disturbed by what the Grand Ruler said. “Or should I say… somepony.”

The man shoot to his feet, hunched over to not hit his head against the roof. “How do you know I’m looking for a pony?!”

“I know a great many things,’ the Grand Ruler replied. “The love of your life. Romantic Lily.”

The man rushed to the side of the cage. Despite his speed, the Grand Ruler’s wings were faster, taking him above the cage, keeping him out of reach of the man’s enormous arms. He growled as he pressed against the cage bars, but the bars stood sturdy. “What do you know about her?”

The Grand Ruler put his hand up and speaks. “Calm down. I know where she is.” His wings place himself gently on the ground. “She has been abducted.”

The man’s eyes widen as the news reaches his ears. Within a second, his eyes turn into a scowling glare, his grip around the bars tighten. “Who kidnapped her?”

The Grand Ruler’s horn begins to glow as a single image appears from his grand robe. It levitates to the cage, the human swiping it from the air. “This stallion has kidnapped her.”

The image contained a green stallion with black rimmed glasses placed on his nose. A purple scarf wrapped around his neck and a black mane and tail. His scowling face made him look like a villain.

“Who is this?!” the man’s booming voice echoed around them.

The Grand Ruler lowered his head. “He is called the Critique. And he is a very dangerous stallion.” He closes his eyes, slowly. “I fear for her safety.”

The man shakes the bars, allowing the photo to flutter out of his hands. “Let me out of this prison and I’ll make sure she stays safe!”

The Grand Ruler turns away. “No, I cannot do that. My soldiers have already tried to defeat him.” He shook his head. “But failed. I cannot risk another to fall to Equestria.”

“But you know what I can do!” the man screamed, the metal prison surrounding the two bouncing his voice back to them. “You think one stallion will stop me, when your army couldn’t?”

The Grand Ruler smiled. He turned back to the human, his horn glowing. “You truly are her knight in shining armor.”

The cage’s lock releases and the door slides open, allowing the man to step out of his prison. “Where do I find him?”

As the man stood up, he looks like a giant. His muscular build exposed from his black shirt gives him the appearance of a body builder.

The Grand Ruler pointed out the door to the rest of the castle. “He is on the edge of Ponyville. Where the old library once stood.”

The Grand Ruler turned to the giant. “I trust you can find it from there.”

The man nodded and with a quick sprint, he escaped into the other room, out of sight of the Grand Ruler. “And thus, the brave knight known as Daimon, rushes off to rescue his beloved, Romantic Lily, from the terrifying grip of the evil wizard, the Critique. And he stands over his broken body with his arms wrapped around his love, safely out of the dark one’s clutches.”

He looks up to the heavens. “Their lips press against one another and they live happily ever after.”

Cielo's Secret

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

AND MY INCREDIBLE FLUTTERHULK JUST GOT 1000 VIEWS!

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I’m the only one who cares about that, aren’t I?

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Huff… Okay, let’s just do the review…

Falling in love with a princess isn’t that all uncommon for writers. I personally have a thing for Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, if only you were a pony.

But something I’ve noticed about reviews I’ve done for the past few months is that most stories involving romance with the Princesses of Equestria, typically involve Luna over Celestia.

Why is that? I would have thought that most writers would want to be with Celestia. After all, she’s the head honcho! She’s got the most power and authority! I’m not trying to dis on Luna or anything, but when I look back at the stories I’ve reviewed, I see that most of the OC characters have a thing for Luna.

Ninja from Enter the Ninja. Silver Haze from A Haze in Equestria. Soren the Alicorn.

And while Celestia does have one where romance is the focus, it’s also written by Mykan. Yeah, so you can see why I’m not particularly fond of CelestiaXGrand Ruler, when its written by the guy who won’t get over TerraXBeast Boy from Teen Titans.

I’m sure there are tons of stories out there with the Celestia forced romance shtick, I’m sure I’ll get to those sometime down the road.

However, most of the issue for the characters falling in love with these Princesses, is that most of them are rather forced or unrealistic.

Ninja and Luna barely shared a sentence together. Silver Haze had the love triangle and spent more time with Twilight than he did with Luna. And Soren… well, Soren is basically a child in the body of an adult and under the age of consent, so it really becomes iffy.

It’s pretty bad when compared to those three stories with Luna, the Mykan story of Celestia and the Grand Ruler is actually more realistic. I’m not saying it’s good by any means, it still suffers a lot of the problems the other stories have, but I at least can buy it more than I can Ninja and Luna, who never even talked to each other.

Hopefully, today’s story will get me to change my mind about that said romance. So, let’s dig into Cielo’s Secret by DijoCurry

Groans could be heard down the halls, where the resting chambers of the Night Princess Luna resided.

Wow, we did not waste any time, did we, story? The first sentence and already the promise of sex has been fulfilled.

Actually, it turns out that Luna is suffering from nightmares, but let’s be honest, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you read that first sentence? I guarantee you it wasn’t a nightmare.

It turns out she is being tormented by Nightmare Moon, who is haunting her with her past crimes.

Nightmare Moon: Feel the dark powers within you, Luna and bail on the tip! That waiter was rude and scatterbrained!

Luna wakes up from her nightmares, but is clearly shaken up by them and Celestia believes she has to do something.

It did not take long for her over protective older sister to begin meddling in Luna’s affairs again.

“Meddling in Luna’s affairs?” “Overprotective?” Celestia spent 1000 years over the guilt that she couldn’t help her sister! She raised the moon every night for 1000 years berating herself that she couldn’t do anything to keep her sister from succumbing to dark powers! 365000 nights she spent as the guilt festered within her over not seeing how arrogant she was!

It’s perfectly understandable why she is overprotective and cautious! This is going to be one of those, ‘Luna rules, Celestia drools’ fics, isn’t it? Do kids still say that now-a-days?

So, Celestia orders a guard to watch over Luna while she sleeps. I don’t really see how this would help. It’s not like he can physically go into her dreams while she is asleep. Wouldn’t you recommend a psychiatrist first?

Luna, however, claims that she can take care of herself and doesn’t want Celestia’s help. Now, this doesn’t really bother me that much since Luna would most likely want to do things on her own, since the last time she was in Equestria, she nearly hurt those she cared about. If she was working alone, then ponies wouldn’t have to get hurt due to her mistakes. Also, there would be proving herself to her sister that she has changed and won’t travel down that path of evil.

The story doesn’t outright say that, but I’ll let it slide for now.

Luna tries to rest before she needs to raise the moon, but continues to be haunted by nightmares.

Luna: Oh, god, I had a dream where I was forced to monologue about how much I am in love with this mysterious ninja, who contributes nothing to the overall story!

Celestia overhears what is going on and rushes to her sister’s bedside. Luna awakens explaining that she is alright and that she just wants to do her job.

We then are told what happens as the weeks pass by, and I really mean told. We get hints at what is bothering Luna, from the Nightmare Moon armor being displayed (which doesn’t make any sense, since Luna made the armor a part of her) and Twilight being crowned. We are told these things bothered Luna, but I would have liked to see them built up more. They could have been used to build up Luna’s frustration and anger and see why she is feeling the way she is.

Also, we are told that Nightmare Moon is brainwashing her, but we aren’t actually show that. We aren’t told what Nightmare Moon is tormenting her with. I assume, it’s the mistakes she’s made, but it’d be nice to actually see that event.

Maybe Nightmare Moon isn’t torturing her with her mistakes but something else.

Nightmare Moon: This is what one fan does in his spare time! He reviews crappy fan fics usually staring you!

Luna: No! No! Keep him away! Keep him away!

Celestia though, was not going to give up so easily, and as luck would have it, she hatched an idea of how to help her sister without directly getting involved.

Of course, ‘without directly getting involved’ means in this context, “Involved as much as possible!” She assigns a guard to watch over Luna. How is that different from the first plan?! Why is that different from the first plan?! It’s not like it’s anything different or can be misinterpreted! Celestia says that she wants a guard to watch over Luna! Luna says no, Celestia’s makes a plan to not get involved, Celestia wants a guard to watch over Luna!

It’s the exact same plan as before! Just because you say it’s not more involved, doesn’t change the plan!

Luna isn’t having any of it, saying that she is fine on her own. Because your temper and lack of communication has done you so much good in the past.

We are then introduced to our male lead, Cielo, the now head of the Royal Guards, since Armor is off to the Crystal Empire.

Luna is still convinced that she is fine on her own. However, Celestia insists that Cielo will be her bodyguard until this whole thing straightens out.

Luna storms off, pissed that she didn’t get her way, and Cielo follows her trying to calm her down. And it’s about here where I have to cringe. The story has been decent up to this point. Not very good, but bearable compared to what I’ve read before, but man, does Luna take it in the face bad in this story. Get a load of this…

“No! of course not, what would a worthless grunt like you know? Can’t think for yourself, only follow your orders blindly…pathetic,” Luna growled in disgust.

THAT IS BULLSHIT! Look, I know Luna is pissed off about being stuck with a guard, but it’s not his fault! He’s just following orders of a princess who has treated him well! And Luna just acts like a bitch the entire time! Look, I’m willing to look over out of character moments, if they make sense!

Luna may not be the most social ponies of all time, and Nightmare Moon isn’t a saint, but they at least did what they thought was best for their subjects! Call Nightmare Moon evil, but at least, she did what she thought was best for her subjects! Granted, it wasn’t, but there was still that loyalty to her kingdom, even if it was screwed up by jealousy and anger! So, I have a really hard time buying this scene!

And it only goes downhill from here, folks. Though I will give credit for it not being love at first sight, like so many other stories!

Luna then starts to work him like a maid and forcing him to clean her quarters… Okay, this makes no sense and this is just tyrannical! Luna simply does this to punish him for doing his job, a job that his and her superior told him to! She has maids who are paid to do this! Maybe I was wrong before. Maybe this is a “Celestia rules. Luna is a bitch” fic.

Well, maybe you’d be more liked if you weren’t such a bitch.

As Cielo begins to clean, Luna starts having nightmares.

Now, this does bring up a thought. Luna has been acting extremely out of character in this moment, and now I think I know why. It’s a cheap, gimmicky way for the author to make his audience feel bad for the character of Cielo, by having him insulted by Luna for no reason.

That doesn’t work like that! You can’t just have a character be out of character, just so you can make another character look good! This is the problem with most OC characters, is that most of the time the author can’t think of a way to make them realistically sympathetic without having some forced bullshit! Like Twilight accusing the character of something they didn’t do or Rainbow Dash being extremely rude, despite there being no reason.

These are examples of what not to do. A character should be able to fit into the world around him, without changing the characters!

Cielo wakes Luna up from her nightmare and Luna explains that she was just having a bad dream. Cielo says that he will remain at her side, and Luna seems to have taken a complete 180 on this. She’s suddenly now, all for it.

Which is weird since she is having a strange stallion she doesn’t know standing over her every night, but I suppose if Princess Celestia vouches for him, I won’t question it too much.

She goes back to sleep with the nightmares mysteriously disappearing. It’s not really explained why. Maybe all that Celestia had to do was wake her up in the middle of the night and it would have interrupted Nightmare Moon to the point where she was too nervous to finish.

Nightmare Moon: Luna, you are here because the outside world,

Celestia: Luna, pancakes!

Luna: Pancakes, oh boy!

Nightmare Moon: Wait! Come back! I’m not done with my… speech… Damn it, hold on. I have to mentally prepare myself again.

Anyway, we see that the cycle continuing with Cielo being run like a slave, Luna being woken up whenever she has a nightmare and Cielo being treated poorly. Well, it says that but frankly, I’ve yet to see anything. This really doesn’t show the whole process. Yeah, it’s fine to skip things every once in a while, but the story says that Luna is starting to change and that she is treating Cielo nicer.

What does that mean? I don’t know, we certainly don’t see any evidence of that.

However, when Luna starts having a nightmare, Cielo shows how much a dick he actually is. During her nightmare and suffering, he just ignores her.

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Yeah, what the fuck dude?! Look, I know she hasn’t been exactly nice to you, but you just said, LAST SENTENCE, that she was being kinder to you! HE ACTUALLY WATCHES HER AND TAKES PLEASURE IN HER PAIN! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! WHY DID CELESTIA SEND YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK?!

Also, what if she turns into Nightmare Moon?! Nightmare Moon might cause havoc on Equestria, because you decided to have a little payback! And if Celestia was forced to banish her sister, AGAIN, how do you think you would do, explaining to her that you let this happen to her sister, who we have established she is very protective of, how your arrogance caused her to lose control, when your fucking job was to make sure that shit didn’t happen?!

It’s only when Luna starts crying in pain that Cielo starts to feel bad about his actions and wakes her up. Luna, being a bitch, asks him to continue cleaning, rather than, you know, thanking him for waking her up from her nightmare!

Well, at least, I can’t say those two don’t have a lot in common! They are both ponies I want to blow up with a grenade!

Anyway, as more time passes the nightmares start to fade and hold no power over Luna. So… That’s it? Isn’t it? The big dilemma was solved, right? No more of this story.

Of course not. That would be merciful.

It turns out that Luna is an even bigger bitch than we thought. Luna, despite having no reason to be rude to our protagonist, still sees fit to make his life a living hell for giving data to her sister.

And if that wasn’t evidence that the author was clearly trying to make us feel sorry for Cielo, I don’t what is. Of course, this would be very affective, IF IT WASN’T OUT OF CHARACTER FOR LUNA! Dear lord, this story is dumb!

What’s really weird is that during a big storm, Cielo is forced away to help coordinate the weather team and that he needs to be replaced until he can return.

However, the stallion replacing him doesn’t take as well to Luna’s enslavement.

“Princess Luna I am a royal guard not your personal assistant or servant, if you want food or something cleaned hire a maid to do it. My job is to protect in the event of an attack nothing more; I’m not your lapdog”

Thank you! You, Sir… um… Not appearing in this story… are now my favorite character! He is telling Luna what Cielo should have told her when he first got there! Not baby, Luna, by doing everything she whines about!

The problem with this scene is, I think it’s supposed to make us feel bad for Luna for being treated this way, but… no. That’s not how I feel. I’m fucking cheering this no-named character for standing up to a pony who is being nothing but a spoiled brat!

And then the guard pretty much does nothing as Luna has another nightmare. Oh, Jesus, this is how they force the romance, isn’t it? The only way she can sleep is with dick face by her side.

Also, isn’t the guard supposed to be watching Luna? Making sure she didn’t have nightmares?! Did nopony brief this guy on his job?!

Three days apparently pass, Jesus, it sure as hell feels like it, and Luna hasn’t been sleeping well, and apparently nopony in Canterlot has noticed. NOT EVEN CELESTIA!

Look, I don’t care how good you think you are at hiding how tired you are, three days of disturbed rest is going to be noticeable! Ponies are going to notice that you are not getting enough sleep! Don’t believe me, just try 24 hours! Or more! Go 24 hours without any sleep and try to perform normal tasks! I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fucking walk in the fucking park and I promise you, people who see you regularly, like family, or in this case siblings, are going to notice!

Luna overhears the guards talking about Cielo and how he hasn’t returned yet.  Hopefully, he’s hydra chow.

It’s because of his disappearance and rather forced stallion’s not giving a shit, that she realizes “Hey, this stallion is not that bad.”

Sure, he beats me with a rake every night and calls me a slut whore in front of other ponies, but at least he treats me better than these two ever did.

Luna decides to wait a day to see if her ‘true love’ comes back to her. And here’s the point where I don’t buy it. They barely had any interactions with each other, except that Luna ran him around like a slave. And it’s clear that Cielo doesn’t really like Luna, since he enjoyed seeing her in pain!

The romance in this story is really difficult to buy when it is about two ponies who don’t really interact with each other and barely have a conversation together!

Nights continue to roll by as Luna continues to have nightmares and pleads for her precious Cielo to return.

Look, I’m all for romance in a story. But this is contrived beyond words! Not only that, but it makes Luna look completely helpless! Luna is just a damsel in distress who has been locked in a tower, waiting for her hero to come save her! That’s it! That’s all she is in this story! She doesn’t have strength on her own, have power or the ability to ask for help from others! No! That would be interesting! Instead, we get the hero, who is the only one who understands her and protects her with every fiber of his being!

That is not how romance works and I don’t care what Stephanie Meyer says!

Don’t believe me; take a look at this!

However, at this very moment, she wished Cielo was there to ask her what was wrong, or to at least reassure her there was nothing to fear.

Because, she doesn’t have a sister she can go to for help, who has been around for 1000 years and deeply cares about her. One who might actually want to help her out of respect for her and a unconditional love, you know, instead of being charged with a task and not being treated like shit.

… Who the fuck are you?

One day, Luna wakes up late because nopony bothers checking up on her! NOT EVEN HER SISTER, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE OVERPROTECTIVE OF HER! I AM BEGGING YOU, HAVE SOME FUCKING CONSISTANCY!

We have Celestia who has been accused of being overprotective, but she does nothing to actually back that claim up! We have Luna who says she is in love with Cielo! Again, nothing to back that up! And then on a whim, she changes her mind and treats him like shit! Look, mood swings are one thing, inconsistency are entirely another!

And just in case we were all having happy thoughts of Cielo’s death, it turns out that he is actually alive. Yeah, way to keep the tension, story…

Cielo wanders back to Canterlot after dealing with the snowstorm up north, to which he was wounded. The night starts to approach as he knows that Luna will raise the moon soon.

He would have gone to the altar and waited for her to finish but it was forbidden; no mortal had been allowed up there to see the raising of the sun or moon in over 100 years. The reason for this was shrouded in mystery, but anyone with a grasp on strategy figured it may be the princesses are most vulnerable when channeling so much magic.

… Um… are we watching the same show?

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Because it clearly shows that Celestia raises the sun here! With a crowd of ponies who came to watch her, one of them being a young Twilight Sparkle! AND we’ve already mentioned Twilight’s coronation! Are you saying that 100 years have passed since young Twilight Sparkle saw Celestia raised the sun to the last events seen in season 3?!

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Luna realizes that Cielo is there and is overwhelmed by his return . Aw… let me get my barf bag…

She notices how injured he is and orders him to rest until he has recovered. They arrive at the doctor who has this to say…

“Dose this hurt much?” the doctor inquired trying to validate what he knew.

Huh… I didn’t know the doctor was German. That or it’s a spelling error, but I’m sticking with my version. It’s funnier and is more bearable.

As the doctor continues to test the wings, rather violently I might add, he comes to the discovery that Cielo’s wings are suffering from Exertional Rhabdomyolysis (a breakdown of the muscles due to extreme use of them based on the little research I did.)

The doctor says that he needs to have his wings rest for a while and that he can’t perform any strenuous tasks on his wings.

Cielo agrees, but says that he will put himself in danger if he needs to. Which brings up the question, do storms go out of control all the time in Equestria?! And don’t they have a special response team to help deal with that, rather than just one pony?!

Cielo leaves the doctor’s office, the doctor asking him to return in three days with a decision. Even though the doctor could probably go to Celestia, explaining the problem and that he is putting himself at risk, but I guess there is the whole confidential thing, so I’ll let it slide.

Luna wonders what is going on, but Cielo says not to worry about it.

Cielo is as confused as most of the audience is about Luna’s 180, and it’s even sadder for us because we saw Luna’s point of view, and I’m still lost as shit.

Luna admits that she was unfair to him and that she wants to make it up to him. Cielo asks why she disliked him so much and Luna explained that she never disliked him. Of course not. She only disliked her sister for giving her a guard to protect her.

Which as you will recall, this is the sister who doesn’t concern herself with her sister’s problems and confront them! Talking to her and making sure she is safe! Not noticing when her sister, who she is supposed to be protective of, is not getting enough rest or nourishment!

A bit hypocritical, aren’t we?

Don’t worry. I know it’s the story, and not you, that’s the problem.

And then the story tries even harder to convince me that Celestia is the villain…

“You feel trapped, Princess Luna, perhaps even oppressed? Even I can see it, and I have seen it from Celestia’s side as well. Not her point of view, but her actions, I have seen how they affect you and how they have hindered you.”

WHEN?! When has it ever shown that?! When has that ever been shown?! Are you talking about the show?! Yeah, Luna doesn’t get much screen time, but neither does Celestia?! Do you seriously think that Celestia locks Luna in a cell to keep her out of the episodes?! I think Luna got more screen time in season 3 and season 4!

And even ignoring those for a second, Luna has never once mentioned that she has felt imprisoned! The only, ONLY time that has been mentioned is when she was having the nightmares! It’s never been when she was awake! So, I don’t buy this bullshit! Even for a second!

Why is everypony in this story a fucking moron?! This is definitely a "Critique Rules, Everypony else is an idiot!" story!

“It’s nice to have somepony to talk to for once, and to hear for a change that I am right in challenging my sister.”

I know that siblings sometimes have problems with one another, but here’s a great idea that might be able to help you… TRY TALKING TO HER!

How many times have you had a chance to tell her how you feel?! It’s not like she’s going to banish you to the moon because you decide to stand up for yourself!

Warning: You might want to turn your volume down… A lot.

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Never mind. Clearly I was wrong. At least, I won’t have to see this story for another 1000 years.

As Luna puts Cielo down to rest, she sneaks off to the doctor’s office to look into Cielo’s file. The doctor explains that his medical record is confidential. Luna demands to see them and apparently, that’s all the German doctor needs to give up his confidentiality on his patients.

You know, I think there is a law against that, asshole! … Speaking of which, I think I need change doctors.

However, it turns out that the medical documents concerning Cielo are actually missing. Nopony knows who took them. Why do I feel the pony who took them is going to make no sense whatsoever?

Luna does get the doctor to explain Cielo’s problem, burning any respect I had for this character by betraying a code of conduct! Does he go around shouting everypony’s medical records as if it was casual dinner conversations?!

Also, why did the doctor go for the medical records, if he already knew the patient’s condition?!

The doctor then explains to Luna that he will probably go to Celestia with this. Sure, why not? But of course, you couldn’t leave out the part where you describe what has happened to him and just state that ‘for his own benefit and safety, he needs to stay off his wings’! You don’t have to explain a medical problem, just say that ‘it’s doctor’s orders’!

Ugh… I’m getting tired of this story, so I’m going to end it as quickly as I can…

The doctor decides to go to Celestia to try and explain what is happening with Cielo. The guard to her room stops him, explaining that she is asleep, but then… Well, let’s do some roleplaying. Pretend you are the guard.

You: I’m sorry, but Princess Celestia is asleep at the moment and I’d rather not have anypony disturb her. Please understand.

“Move it young lad or I assure you stopping me from knocking on the princesses doors will be the last task you ever perform, I’m under strict orders to report to princess Celestia under certain circumstances and this happens to be one of them times. Her orders not mine however if you would rather I tell Princess Celestia you stopped me from performing a task she herself appointed to me well then I’ll be on my way and let you take the blame on this blunder” The doctor replied in a very confident and borderline threatening tone.

JESUS CHRIST, DUDE! There is explaining a point sternly or there is being a complete dick! And guess what? You are neither of those! A dick would have been more compassionate than that! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

God, I need a real doctor to talk some sense into this guy!

Doctor Dick explains to Celestia that Cielo’s medical file is missing. And the doctor says the dumbest thing in this story thus far and believe me, that is no small feat!

The doctor paused and thought. “I don’t know who would want his file or why but it’s gone, what if somepony leaks this to press”

Oh, no! Not the press! Somepony might find out that he is risking his life to help others and that he should basically be awarded the Equestria equivalent of a Medal of Honor!

This is stupid! There is no reason why the doctor should be worried about ‘the press’ getting a hold of this information! What does he think they are going to do with it?! Black mail Celestia?! Asking her why weather problems occur?! That doesn’t even make sense! Disasters happen in Equestria all the time, since the weather can’t happen unless somepony makes it happen!

Yes, I understand that some places like the Everfree Forest and the Windigos are the exception, but what does Cielo’s medical record have to do with that?! It’s not like its top secret or a conspiracy! Ponies knew about the weather problem! The other guards knew about it, that is how Luna knew about it! Who is hiding something?!

Urgh! This story is making my brain hurt, so let’s just move on!

The doctor leaves after explaining everything to Celestia.

After leaving Celestia alone, it turns out that she was the one who stole the medical files!

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… WHAT?! That’s just… WHAT?!

I… just … WHAT?!

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WHY DOES CELESTIA HAVE THE MEDICAL FILES?! WHY?! THERE IS NO POINT DAMNIT! THERE IS NO POINT WHATSOEVER! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! SOMEPONY, PLEASE, KILL ME! KILL ME! END MY MISERY! END IT ALL! END IT ALL!

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…

…

Okay… I think I’m better now…

Since I know all of you are smart enough to figure out why Celestia stealing the medical files is stupid, I won’t go over them.

But for the author’s sake, I’d better. One, Celestia taking them from the medical office, makes no sense! She has no reason to do it since she could have just asked the doctor about it. Hell, he did for Luna, and she has less authority! This is another example of Celestia being portrayed as a dick.

Two, how is it that Celestia is able to notice that her head of the guards is having problems with his wings, BUT IS UNABLE TO NOTICE WHEN HER OWN SISTER IS HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING?!

Three, why does she need to keep the files?! After she found out what was wrong, she shouldn’t need them, therefore, she shouldn’t have any reason to keep them hidden! It’s not like somepony knowing that he was injured would cause chaos in the streets since ponies get injured all the time! Rainbow Dash had a broken wing!

Or is this some universe where ‘there hasn’t been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years’ bullshit?! Or in this case, an injury?! Which, by the way, makes even less sense!

Dear lord, I’ve only done the first scene of the last chapter, I’ve still got 6 more to go!

Celestia goes to talk to Cielo, but Luna unfortunately, can’t stop being a dick about it.

“What do you want?” Luna asked almost irritated to see Celestia’s face.

I am thinking about starting a new group of ponies separate from the Solar Empire and the Lunar Republic. I’m going to call them “Intelligent Ponies Against Idiots” Or “IPAI” … Okay, the name needs work, but I’d make a better leader than the two of you!

Celestia asks why Luna was in the doctor’s office snooping around and asking for medical information. Luna lies and says that she doesn’t know what she is talking about. Celestia explains that the doctor told her and accuses Cielo of allowing her to do so.

Cielo’s job isn’t to stop Luna from doing whatever she wants, it’s to keep Luna safe from the nightmares, that aren’t even relevant to this part of the story and dear lord, make it stop!

Luna explains that Cielo wasn’t involved and that she drugged him to sleep. And if you thought that there was no way… no chance… no method of storytelling that could piss me off more than anything else that this story has thrown at me… Well, I’m sorry to say… that’s not true. Witness, fillies and gentlecolts, the crowning achievement of out of character behavior for any character in MLP fan fiction.

“That is no reason to Drug him you twit!” Celestia snapped angrily pushing Luna’s door open and inviting herself in much to Luna’s dismay. Celestia slammed the door and faced Luna “Have you any idea what you have done! Cielo cannot handle medication well, he’ll be recovering from that for days!”

Fine whatever do whatever you want” Celestia shook her head and walked past her sister opening the door again. “Smarten up and use your brain next time before you go and do something stupid” Celestia said with bitterness in her voice before slamming Luna’s door shut; She heard Luna scream out in anger as she walk away.

Yes… In a story, that is supposed to be taken 100% seriously, unlike the Tales of Prince Martin… Celestia… one of the kindest ponies in all of Equestria, just called her sister, who we have established loves her very much… a twit… and stupid.

…

You know… When I think of Celestia, I think of how much compassion she has for others. How much understanding she seems to possess and how much kindness emanates off her and seems to radiate this light of good that shines into every pony she touches.

I once read a comic where Celestia is beginning to doubt herself having failed to stop the Changeling invasion herself. Wondering what good she is. Wondering why she can’t do anything right to the ponies she loves so very much. Discord and Nightmare Moon defeated her and she placed the burden on others, much to her own grief. She begins to wonder if she is worth anything anymore

And in that comic, Twilight comes up to her and says this…

Chrysalis said it herself, that Equestria has more love than anyplace she’d ever encountered.  We have you to thank for that!

Princess, you haven’t been the ruler of Equestria because you are the most powerful or because you raise the sun. It’s because you’ve always done what is best for Equestria, even at great personal cost.

You’re not just the ruler of Equestria, you’re its LEADER and its teacher. Just as you’ve always taught me and led me as your student. Not only does everypony need you to be the leader of Equestria, we WANT you to be.

You’re the one who taught me it’s never too late in life to make friends, or to reconnect with family and rely on each other.

And I would hardly call your past actions failures. You did better than anypony could hope to on her own, and it’s because of you that Equestria is what it is today.

Our recent victories were possible because we all worked together, not because we’re better ponies than you. You’re one of the best mares I’ve ever known! I hope I can become half the pony you are someday.

We aren’t fighting INSTEAD of you, we’re all working together. Relaying on others isn’t a weakness; it’s strength.

We can do so much more together, and when we do fail, we’ll be there to help one another, even at the worst of times.

This comic written by Digital Dasher Bot became kind of how I view Celestia and as a whole Equestria. Celestia isn’t some all-powerful goddess who can wipe out armies with her power, nor would she want to. She is kind enough to give Discord, a spirit of chaos, a chance at redemption. She is torn apart when she is forced to hurt her sister. And she was ashamed when she could not protect others.

But her strength isn’t in how powerful she is. Her strength comes from how kind she is. Her desire to help others. Her ability to love with all her heart and treat others with respect. The reason why Equestria is so strong is because of unity. Friendship. Strength in numbers. Love. Companionship. Bonds of trust and fellowship that tie us all together and make us stronger, braver and able to take on challenges that would normally be insurmountable.

It is strong because a kind and generous leader decided that is what she wanted her country to be about. And she took every step necessary to make it happen.

This is a very similar mindset to what Fire Emblem does and it is why I believe in this strength of character for Celestia. Her ability to love.

Let me ask you this… Is someone who loves with all their heart, who concerns herself with the safety and security of ponies all around her, somepony who is torn apart when she is unable to help somepony feel wanted, sound like the type of pony who would call another pony, a sibling she loves with all her heart no less, stupid?

Okay… I’ve rambled on way longer than I should have…

Let’s just finish the review…

Celestia berates Luna calling her stupid, because that surely helps my temper, about what Luna did, but Luna explains it was an accident. Celestia leaves, promising to find Luna a new guard until she wakes up.

I volunteer! I promise to make you both less stupid, by hitting you in the head with a shovel when you say something stupid!

Celestia trots into the room where Cielo is resting and speaks with him. However, thanks to the medication in his tea before, he is out like a light. Celestia starts to cry over the fact that’s she’s failed everypony, including her sister and apparently, his mother.

I would refer you to the speech Twilight gave you after the Changeling invasion, but clearly, the way you’ve been acting, I can only think of one speech to give you!

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Cielo wakes up later that night and Luna is excited to see he is okay.

I know I’m not, I’m pretty sure he’s an alien spy, who has sucked out all the intelligence of both Luna and Celestia. Would explain why they are acting like assholes!

So, it turns out that Cielo’s wings are just fine because he has a special healing factor granted him by Wolverine after he evolved from an otter in Marville.

… Seriously, would any of you be surprised if that was the case?

Celestia arrives and asks Cielo to see the doctor after she explains that she knows about his condition.

“Fine let’s go” Cielo growled and started to walk by Celestia. “But no matter the outcome you can kiss my tail if you think I’m going to stay on the ground”

God, you are making Rainbow Dash in the episode where she injures herself look like she is afraid of heights! What is your holy problem?! If you really want to fly, I’ve got a missile I can tie you to!

And Luna, deciding to follow suite with her ‘boyfriend’, whips her tail in Celestia’s cheek.

… Let me repeat that…

With a flick of her tail Luna smacked Celestia’s cheek and continued down the hall, Celestia stood there silent for a moment wanting badly to lash out at Luna but through sheer will power she held herself back and just took it.

This… this is a troll fic… It has to be… There’s no way this can be taken as a serious story! It can’t be real… it just… can’t… Are you seriously telling that this horrid piece of shit of a story, we are supposed to take 100% seriously?! What kind of collective of dead hamsters wrote this piece of shit?!

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At this point, I would not be surprised if that is how this story was written!

So, Celestia, Cielo and Luna decide to go to the doctor to find out what Cielo’s condition is. And the final middle finger to the audience is that Cielo’s condition has miraculously vanished in one night!

Yes, Cielo’s condition, the whole point that we have been building up to for the past two chapters… has ultimately amounted to nothing!

I have wasted this part of my life reading this story, going through all the anger in the universe, for nothing!

… Is there any chance that one of you could break into my home and impale me on a pike? That would be more pleasurable than reading this thing!

And our story ends revealing that Celestia actually cast a spell to transfer Cielo’s condition to herselfNOPE!

Wrong. … Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong. Nope. I don’t buy it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong, Wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!

This story… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I mean, really?! Are you fucking kidding me, story?!

God, forget about the spelling errors and terrible grammar for this thing!

What the fucking hell?! This one physically hurt me to review!

The characters are so unbelievably mean spirited to make this story edgy when really, it comes off at disrespectful and insulting!

The plot is nonexistent! Were we supposed to worry about Cielo and his job?! We never learn anything about him and why he is so obsessed with this job! Instead of actually learning his motivations for his job, he comes off as a prick who likes to whine because “Mommy won’t let me fly!” Fuck you, Cielo! I hope you burn in hell!

Celestia and Luna are probably the worst portrayal in a story I’ve ever seen! Even with that bit in the end where Celestia, I guess, tries to be nice and take the punishment for Cielo, 99% of the story, they both act like jackasses! Luna is an unbelievable bitch for no fucking reason! And Celestia isn’t much better!

I know who wrote this story! This was written by somepony who can’t stand either of these characters! Which is stupid because then why would you make your OC have the hots for Luna?! I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the only way I can fathom writing this spectacularly stupid!

And what is with the title?! Cielo’s Secret?! WHAT SECRET?! THAT HE IS A PEGASUS WHO FLIES AFTER PONIES TO SAVE THEM?! THAT HE’S MOTHER DIED?! THAT HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE?!

And the biggest failing of this story? It doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be! Is it trying to be mean spirited? Heartwarming? What is this story’s identity?!

I would at least have a little bit of respect if the story could keep its mean spirited tone, but the story can’t even do that! It shifts from being mean-spirited with the characters acting like total dicks to one another, to Luna falling in love with Cielo. Then it goes back to the cruelness of Celestia and Luna, and then I think it’s supposed to make it all better with the end scene, but again, it doesn’t fit the tone of what was established!

If this wanted to be a mean-spirited story, it needed to tone down the heartwarming moments.

If it wanted to be heartwarming, the harsh moments had to be downplayed!

Since it can’t choose either, it comes off as an unfocused, unfinished mess! And one I will not be reading again anytime soon!

This story is boring, mean-spirited, and downright idiotic! And I would not even use its pages to wipe my ass with!

I would rather wipe my ass with my own hoof than touch this piece of shit again!

***

He made his way to the door, the review still filling his every thought. Rage consumed his mind. All he wanted was something to punch and kick to relieve his stress.

Suddenly, the front door began to pull away from him with a thunderous crackling. A large portion of the wall surrounding the door began to crack and pull away from the foundation. He leaped backwards landing on his flank, his body too stiff to move. As it tilted horizontally, he saw the image of a man, lifting a huge portion of the wall with his bare hands.

The man glared down to him. “Where is she?!”

Finally, the Critique’s voice found him. “What the hell?!”

With a swift flick of the man’s arms, the door and portion of the wall flew from his hands, landing near the neighbor’s house. He turned back to the Critique. “I said, where is she?!”

Critique started to back away, his heart pounding in his head. “Where is who?!”

The man followed Critique, slowly stepping into the house. “Romantic Lily! Where is she?”

Critique shook his head. “Dude, I don’t know who you are talking about!”

“Don’t lie to me!” The human stomped his foot onto the ground. The whole library shook, books fell from the shelves, Critique to the floor. Cracks formed in the floor, stretching out to the center of the room. “The Grand Ruler told me you kidnapped her!

Critique slithered across the floor backwards. “Grand Ruler? Who’s the Grand Ruler?”

The human roared and lifted his arm, charging like a rampaging rhino. However, he was stopped by two mechanical fingers wrapping around his own. “I have him restrained, sir,” Computer stated.

Critique took in a sigh of relief. “It’s about time!”

The human pulled with all his might against the robotic arms until a thunderous snap filled the air. Computer’s first arm had been torn in half.

With a robotic limb dangling from his forearm, the human grabbed the second robotic arm and ripped it from the wall.

Critique’s eyes widened as the human held the long robotic arm like a large staff. The human swung the staff at the Critique. Fortunately, Critique was able to duck out of the way.

The human swung back again, this time connecting with his target. Critique was sent across the room and against a bookshelf. Pain flared up like a roaring flame in his body as he slowly picked himself off the ground.

He looked up to the ceiling. “Computer, shotgun! Now!” With those words, a shotgun appeared from the wall, landing at Critique’s feet. Picking it up quickly and aiming it, he fired at the human’s body.

The pellets bounced off his skin, leaving no trace of damage. The human simply continued his slow march towards him, stopping for nothing. Critique fired again and again, with the same result. The human stood over him, as he pulled the trigger once more. Still, nothing came of it.

The human ripped the shotgun out of the Critique’s hooves and broke it over his knee, shattering the handle into splinters.

Critique’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, come on. I never got to kill anything with that!”

Suddenly, the human’s hand wrapped around Critique’s neck. He effortlessly pulled the Critique up to his face and glared into his eyes. “Where is Lily?!”

Critique fought against the grip of his attacker, flailing his hooves into the human’s arm. However, the human hardly flinched, let alone loosened his grip. He tried to respond, but his voice cracked struggling for air.

With a roar, the human tossed Critique across the room, into one of the bookshelves. Several books fell from the shelf on top of him, pummeling his already miserable body. He placed his hoof on the ground, struggling to get his footing.

A tall shadow appeared above him, causing him to glance upward. The human stood over him, his hands clinched together. “If you won’t tell me, I’ll just beat the answers out of you!” He raised his arms, ready to bring down his hands like a battering ram.

Critique raised his hoof as if to create an imaginary barrier between him and this human. A whimpering escaped his lips. He closed his eyes. Please let this be a nightmare. Please!

Before any harm could come to him, a cry came from the human’s mouth. Critique opened his eyes to see a stallion standing behind the human, with a baseball bat in hoof. Critique recognized the stallion as one of the neighbors.

The human turned around and grabbed the stallion by the neck with such speed if Critique had blinked he would have missed it. The suddenness of the attack caused the stallion to drop his weapon and flail against the human’s grip.

The human turned around showing his neighbor in his grasp. “Let Lily go, or I’ll crush his skull!”

“Okay, okay,” Critique blurted out before he could stop himself. His mind spun into a tornado of chaos. “I’ll let her go.” He put his hoof up, trying to move as slowly as possible. “Just don’t hurt him.”

Critique picked himself off the ground and began to slowly trot to the end of the hall. He felt a vibration in his scarf. It was probably Computer demanding to know what he was up to. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what he was up to. Great, backed myself into a corner this time, he admitted to himself. He trotted slowly to the kitchen, the human following closely behind, with the neighbor still in his grasp.

They came to the end of the kitchen to one of the closets. Critique opened it slowly and pulled out his phone, whispering. “Computer, get ready on the lights.”

Critique turned back to the human who was still glaring at him. He pointed to the dark closet. “She’s in there.”

The human stepped into the room. However, he glanced around him as if he couldn’t see anything. He turned around his face intensified. “I can’t see in the dark! Give me some light!”

Critique lowered his head. “Okay. Give him what he wants, Computer.”

The human turned his head back towards the room and suddenly, the bulb in the room shined brightly in his face. The human cried out in pain as he hand released the stallion to cover his eyes. Critique took advantage of the human’s blindness and grabbed the stallion by the hoof.

“Come on!” he yelled, dragging the stallion to the end of the library. He heard the sounds of the human swinging his arm wildly, as it hit one of the walls with a thunderous boom. As they approached the front door, Critique shoves the stallion out his front door. “Run! Just go!”

The stallion nods and rushes back to his house, presumably to call the royal guard. If somepony hadn’t called them already. Another cry came from the human’s throat as his hand crashed into another wall, causing a huge crack.

As Critique looked upon him, he noticed a long red stream flowing down his neck. Is that blood? He put his hoof on his chin. “The guy takes shotgun pellets like their nothing. So what could cause him to bleed like that?”

His phone vibrated once more. “Unknown, sir. By all accounts, it does not make any sense. The only attack that hurt him was the wooden bat used by your neighbor. But that defies logic.”

Critique thought for a moment. Then the answer hit him. Or it’s just like Kryptonite. He looked down to his hooves and found the wooden bat. As he moved his hoof to pick it up, the human appeared at the other side of the library. With a scream of rage, the human slammed his hand against the ground, causing the ground to give away below Critique’s feet.

Critique felt gravity take a hold of him, pulling him towards the basement. His body trembled with pain as he slammed into the ground. With his vision blurred, he shook his head. He hoped to clear the ringing in his ears. His mind instantly jumped to the baseball bat. It was no longer in his hooves. He figured he must have lost it during his fall. Frantically, he moved his hooves back and forth along the ground, hoping he would get lucky and touch it.

A tremor occurred beneath Critique’s hooves, causing him to turn his head to the epicenter. Even with his vision hindered, he could see the shape of the human coming straight for him. With a yell, the human charged at Critique, his hand raised to strike.

Critique dove away from the human as his fist slammed against the ground, causing cracks to be formed. Critique searched around him to find the bat only a few feet away from him. He rushed over to the bat and took it in his hooves. Hearing the footsteps of his opponent coming closer, he quickly turned around swinging the bat as hard as he could.

The bat collided with the human’s face, causing to stagger several feet backwards. Critique took the opportunity to slam the bat against his body again. Faster he swung his weapon, slamming into his face, once more.

Finally, the giant toppled to the ground, with only a soft moan slithering from his lips. Critique’s heavy breaths filled the room as the bat slipped from his hooves. He collapsed to the ground, his lungs feeling like they were about to burst out of his chest.

“Computer,” he called, his voice interrupted by his breathing. “For Heart’s Warming, I want a wooden bat.”

His phone in his scarf vibrated. “Yes, sir.”

***[/center}

“No, I don’t know why that psychotic is after me!” Critique replied to the royal guard for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“Sir, calm down,” the guard asked. “We need to ask these questions.”

Royal Guard, Charming Chorus, had been one of the first royal guards on the scene and was the supposed head stallion of the investigation. At first, Critique didn’t know what, but he was starting to catch on. The investigation of these idiots that keep attacking him for no reason. Well, most of them anyway.

Charming took in a deep breath. “Do you have any enemies, Mr. Coin?”

Critique rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the name he was called. “Yes, but not usually ones who want to kill me.”

Charming lifted his notepad with his magic and jot down what Critique said with his pen. “Mr. Coin, I do not think these attacks have been random.”

Critique raised his eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy action,” Charming explained. “Is there anything the three attackers have in common?”

Critique thought back for a moment, trying to ignore his ‘cracked ribs’ for a moment as the pain seared through his body when he shifted his weight. “I don’t know.”

Charming nodded. “And what about the newest one, Damion?”

Critique closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “He mentioned that I kidnapped somepony named Romantic Lily. He said that somepony named The Grand Ruler accused me.”

With another swift scribble of this notepad, he gave another nod. “Thank you, Mr. Coin. That will help our investigation.”

Critique shook his head as he stood outside the nearly demolished library. His only thought was what Celestia was going to think about him destroying the library not once, but twice.

Celestia's Brothers

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Thanks to last week’s attack on my life, the library has been left in a state of destruction. And it was totally not my fault. I don’t ask for psychos to come and attack me and do property damage!

So, Computer and several contractors are working on the building. Unfortunately, that means I have to stay in an apartment building for a little while. But that won’t stop me from doing what I hate. Reading shitty stories.

So, let’s dig into Celestia’s Brothers by CaptainSanchez

I’ve already talked about how I feel about OC princes that are related to Celestia and Luna for no reason in the Lost Prince review two weeks ago. So I won’t go into much deatil there. However, I will say that it can work. That I believe with the right pony writing the story, it will work. But 90% of the time it doesn’t. And we’ll find out why this one is of that 90%.

One of the things I will point out in this story before we get started is the image. I don’t normally talk about them, but for this story I feel like I need to point out something. If you look at the image…

You can see that it was created on Pony Creator. Now, I’m not against this, personally. There are some of us who can’t do art and have a hard time finding the right artwork to properly tell the cover we want. Hell, the Longest Night was a custom cover art that I made. (At least until HudsonHawk did a custom art for me. Send him your love)

However, most ponies tend to frown on these kinds of artwork and most automatically assume that the story is going to be bad just because of the cover art. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use the Pony Creator to help you with artwork nor am I saying that a story automatically is bad because of it; I’m saying that it’s something that pushes readers away and just something to be aware of.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. This story sucks.

Long ago, before the rise of Nightmare Moon or the Rule of Discord, Two Alicorns were born.

Born out of the sky’s vagina, as all alicorns are.

Yes, odd as it seems, the Alicorn brothers that would rule the land and sea came along before Celestia and Luna.

Yes, the sun and moon didn’t rise or set in those days. Making one half of the world a complete desert, while the other was a frozen wasteland.

The introduction tells us of the two alicorn brothers, Terrestrion and Aquinus. For sake of the names, I’m calling them “Terra” and “Aqua” respectively.

God, I wish.

The two decide to isolate themselves from everypony for different reasons.

Aquinus thought his work would be too demanding, as he would have to rule all of the planet's water continuously.

Because it’s not like there might be any water based intelligent life forms that could record his efforts or whatever. That’d be just stupid. Also, we see later that he lives on an island, making this even more stupid.

Terrestrion's reasons were quite different, as he feared that he would inadvertently use his powers to kill thousands.

Even though earthquakes happen all the time. Where do you think mountains come from?! Unless we are going off Greek mythology’s explanation of how they were formed, but that makes even less sense here!

Each of the siblings had this Fear on some level.

It turned out on weekends the two brothers liked to play subpar first person shooter games that relied mostly on jump scares rather than atmosphere. Or at least the third installment, where the co-op was actually viable.

Celestia and Luna remember them well, though, despite not having seen them in two millennia.

Even though it’s never mentioned when Celestia and Luna came into the picture, how they came into the picture, what the reaction was to them coming into the picture, or any kind of thing that two brothers would react having learned they have two baby sisters. And there is never mentioned a mother, so I guess the sky does just pops out alicorns whenever it wants.

Celestia recently sent her brothers invitations to Luna's birthday party, as a means of both sharing a happy occasion with them, but reuniting the siblings after millennia apart.

I’m having a really hard time with this sentence. Why is there a ‘but’ in this? It seems like reuniting the siblings after a millennium is a bad thing, but we aren’t exactly told how or why. There wasn’t any argument or debate that we are made aware. In fact as far as we know, their relationship was cartoonishly-perfect. Which makes sense of course, this is still a kid’s show.

Anyway, after the introduction, our story starts proper with Terra, who is living in Zebrica.

He ruled over the planet's rock and dirt; really, that didn't entail very much. An earthquake here, a new volcano there, he had almost nothing to do but dream.

I’m so compassionate I create earthquakes all over the place and destroy property that probably took them a while to build. I also create volcanos where ponies live just to fuck with them. I’m the loving one of the brothers!

Also, do mountains and volcanoes just pop up like weeds in this story? Because I’m pretty sure that process can take several thousand years. Of course, it is magic, so I guess I’ll let it slide.

What I won’t let slide is the fact that he says he doesn’t do much. Yeah, all those crystals and gemstones just appear out of the sky too! Even though, they are components of the Earth, created by the earth! Even ignoring that, where do you think steel comes from?! Components of the earth like iron or carbon! You know what else carbon can do under intense heat and extreme pressure? (Conditions that deep within the earth would give you)

Make diamonds!

And you don’t have anything to do? Do you even know the limits of your powers?! You say that you have control over the earth! And don’t tell me you can’t do those things! According to your own lore, you can make mountains appear out of nowhere!

On top of that, weren't you the one who isolated yourself to make sure nopony was hurt?! Then why are you making earthquakes and volcanoes?! I'm pretty sure ponies died to those things or were driven out of their homes! Consistency? You'll soon find out that this story doesn't know what the word means.

He talks about how he knows that Luna is on the moon and how he hasn’t interacted with any pony in two millennia.

No. You read correctly. He hasn’t interacted with anypony in 2000 years and he knows that Luna is on the moon! This does take place in present day Equestria, doesn’t it?! How is it that he even knows about Luna’s condition if he hasn’t talked to anypony in 2000 years?! And yes, I know it does say that Celestia does know where he is, but there is never any mention of communication between them!

Did the rocks just tell him? Can he communicate with the dirt or something?

As he wallows in self-pity, one of Luna’s Night Guards comes to his cave and invites him to Luna’s birthday party. I’ve got to say, the Night Guard, named Nightshade, seems to be taking the fact that Luna and Celestia have brothers that are never mentioned, controls the earth and sea, and have been considered myths by this point pretty damn well. He doesn’t even act mildly surprised that one even exists.

Though to be fair, an OC alicorn is less impressive than a bowl of oatmeal.

"I'd love to come, but could you please lead me there? I haven't left this cave for anything but food in centuries; I don't think I remember where to go. Also, I can barely remember how to talk. Could you reteach me the modern form of Equestrian?"

Yes, I cannot speak. Even though I have carried on a full conversation with you and am speaking to you right now in a modern form of Equestrian that not even Luna was able to grasp right away. I’m so tortured!

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And then we get a full description of what Terra looks like. From the top of his horn to the tips of his hooves. It’s a good thing Nightshade gets the same treatment. Otherwise, I’d think that the author was playing favorites. Ha, ha, ha. Oh wait, Nightshade doesn’t and the author is playing favorites.

We then cut to Aqua who is described as regally as his brother. Look, describing what your characters look like isn’t a bad thing, but make sure you do it for all the characters that play a pivotal role in your story if you do this. Otherwise, it comes off as pretentious.

His     tenure alone on his small island had left him feeling very alone,

My loneliness makes me feel lonely! Redundancy?! What’s that?!

Also, he’s told to be the fun loving one of the brothers. And he shows us this by… isolating himself on an island? … Yeah, I think the author missed his character trait a little.

So, Aqua has kept ‘busy’ in his isolation, as he apparently has two sons. Did he actually mate with a mare or did the sky just give him two sons out of pity and boredom?

However, it turns out that one of his sons left to live with Celestia while the other acts as a maid for him. I’m not even kidding either; this is what happens when Celestia’s royal guard comes to invite him to Luna’s birthday party.

"Tydall!" he called out, "prepare food, we have company!"

A prince who has no servants or anypony else to tend to him except his son. This is a sad existence.

The guard asks Aqua to come to the party and Aqua agrees since his son is old enough to control the tides himself. Tydall will never be mentioned again and his only purpose was to make sure that Aqua could go to the party, even though there are a million different ways that it could happen that weren’t completely forced like this. That’s well-crafted storytelling for you. Not that the other son makes much of a difference in the story either, so what the hell was the point of mentioning him? He actually doesn’t even appear in the story! Why would you mention him if he’s not going to play a role in the story?!

Chekhov’s gun! I’m going to use it on your face!

We start our next chapter and wow… The author has completely given up. In the first chapter, he actually practices proper spacing between sentences. In this chapter, however,

A wall of text with no separation in them whatsoever. God, he doesn’t even start a new sentence when somepony else talks. Yes, we haven’t even ended chapter 2 yet and already the author has thrown up his hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

In Canterlot, Celestia is excited about the reunion with her brothers…

Terrie was always so caring, and Nuss was always so incredibly happy!

Terrie? And Nuss? … Those are the dumbest names in the history of dumb names! Okay, Terrie is decent at best, but Nuss? Nuss?! Fucking Nuss? What, was Aqua not stupid enough for you?!

She prepares with how she wants to present herself, but then we get this line…

After twenty minutes of intense indecision, she realized that her brothers would probably like it more if she just dressed as she normally did: a crown, some shoes, and a necklace.

So, that scene with her wanting to dress herself up for her brothers was completely pointless. Oh, good, I was almost interested in seeing Celestia in a dress.

Now, that’s something I can get behind! In more ways than one.

I deserve that.

We then cut to Terra and Nightshade who are just arriving at Canterlot. Nightshade tells Terra about what Celestia had told him and that he used to be a kind and loving prince. But now…

The Alicorn he was traveling with was an incredibly focused individual that seemed to harbor an intense hatred for other ponies.

When did you find that out?

When did you find that out?

It’s a simple question. At what point in your journey did you discover that he has a hatred for other ponies? Was it when he asked you to teach him how to speak even though he clearly knew how? Is it because he treated you with respect when you reached his home? Is it when you arrived at Canterlot with no evidence of such accusations to hold any water?! Or are you just jumping to conclusions?!

I’m sorry! I don’t buy it! If he’s supposed to be harboring hatred for other ponies, than why treat this one with respect?! Why treat this pony any different than the other ponies you supposedly hate?! I’m not saying that it’s okay to hate, but this story makes it sound like he’s supposed to be vengeful and yet, we never see that! We never see any evidence that this is what he is supposed to be!

We then cut to Silver and Aqua, who are also arriving in Canterlot. Aqua asks why Silver was chosen and Silver response that he has a personality just like him. Because she just happens to have royal guards that remind her of her brother’s personalities. Hey, it makes more sense than anything else in this story.

Aquinus was puzzled, so he replied with, "But you've done nothing but crack jokes the entire trip!"

Silver laughed even harder, saying, "And you haven't laughed once!

Welcome to my life.

Also, what jokes?! We never heard any jokes! Are these the kinds of jokes he’s telling?!

Silver: Why did the Scootaloo cross the road? To get to the cutie mark on the other side!

Aqua: No. Not funny.

Silver: How do you make Apple Pie? Easy, just ship Applejack and Pinkie Pie together.

Aqua: Nothing.

Silver: How many Celestias does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, she’d just raise the sun.

Aqua:  It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s just that your jokes suck.

Silver: No respect. No respect at all.

Celestia is starting to panic as she awaits the arrival of her brothers. When suddenly,

Could it be? She looked up. She saw two of the reddest circles on the planet, surrounded by a field of blue. It is!

Celestia: The McRib has returned! Everypony rejoice!

Celestia was so thrilled, her face lit up like, uh, a Hearth's Warming tree?  She even squee'd, and Princesses don't squee. Not. Ever.

Princesses are not allowed to have these ‘emotions’ like other ponies do. They’re not allowed to feel anything or be ‘normal’.

And then we… Oh dear lord. He’s actually trying again! Spacing out his sentences! I’m not mad that he’s actually doing it right! I’m mad that he’s got no consistency! It’s like he’s juggling back and forth between caring and not caring! It’s actually kind of fascinating!

Too bad I can’t say the say the same thing for the rest of the story.

Terra is taken aback by the town’s reaction, asking if it is normal for them to act this way. Nightshade explains that the town is simply in awe about two new alicorns in Canterlot.

Pfft, please. OC alicorns are a dime a dozen. Now, OC earth ponies, those are a rare thing.

Terrestrion groaned. I hate to admit it, but he's right. I need to reconnect with the public if I want them to stop looking at me like that. Well, only one thing I can do now.

Yes, my hatred for all ponies that has never been shown and will never been shown must be conquered if I am to reconnect with all the ponies.

"Nightshade, we're getting donuts!", he said, in as heroic a manner as possible.

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Terra: COME COMRADS! LET US JOURNEY TO THE LAND OF PASTRY GOODS WHERE OUR HUNGER MAY BE SATIATED THIS DAY! AND WOE BE TO THOSE WHO WOULD STAY IN OUR WAY!

Nightshade: Um… it’s just a donut shop…

Terra: SILENCE! OUR ENEMIES COME! HAVE AT THEE, STOP SIGN!

Nightshade explains that the donut shop is closed and that they should be getting to the castle of Canterlot anyway.

Nightshade was still struggling to keep pace with the Prince. Hey, you try keeping up with somepony whose legs are longer than your torso.

Did… the story just break the fourth wall? … Does the story… know I’m reading it?

Terrestrion looked at Nightshade, surprised. It's Thursday? Hm, interesting.

Why is that interesting? … Do you hate Thursdays or something? Granted, its legit, but what’s so interesting about Thursday?

Anyway, they make their way through the town and meet up with Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. Oh good, two more characters that have as much relevance to the plot as I do.

Cadance is at first hesitant to trust this strange stallion who randomly walks up to her and gives her a creepy smile, for some reason. However, Terra explains that he is her uncle and she seems to take it rather well.


 "Uncle Terrie! I'm SOOO happy to finally meet you!" Cadence said, squeezing even harder.

Princesses are not allowed to have emotions! Burn her at the stake!

Geez, guys! It was a joke! No need to take it personally.

She then hugged him. Not a big deal, you think? Well, you try being the Princess of Love and hugging an uncle that you never met without squeezing too hard. Not easy, is it?

Are you talking to me, book? Because I’m not sure whether to find this creepy, badly written, or both?

And then Cadance starts acting really wildly excited. Like really excited. Like Pinkie Pie excited. So excited it would make a Teletubby vomit.

"You're gonna have so much fun catching up with everypony! Auntie Tia's going to be so happy you made it, and Auntie Lulu is gonna be even happier that her favorite brother made it home, and--" She stopped to gasp for breath and continued. "You haven't met my husband, have you?" Cadence released her uncle, and before he could catch his breath, shoved him closer to Shining Armor. "Shining Armor, Uncle Terrie. Uncle Terrie, Shining Armor! So Uncle Terrie, how long will you be staying at the Castle? I hope you stay for a while, Auntie Lulu would be just SOOOO happy!" said Cadence, with so much joy that it would probably make a Teletubby vomit. Yes, I went there.

Book? Are you okay?

Fuck you!

AHH!

*throws the book and runs*

… What the hell?

Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

Oh, god… *dials his cellphone*

Come on, pick up.

Sir, what is it?

Computer, I think the book I’m reading is possessed by the devil.

Sir, are we really going through this? Again?

No! This isn’t like the time I lied about My Little Unicorn being possessed by Satan so that I wouldn’t have to read it! It really is possessed by the devil!

Or the time you read Wonderfall, Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures, or Soren the Alicorn?

Or the Lottery. Point is, Computer, I need your help!

Sir, I am a little busy at the moment. I’m afraid your hallucinations can wait.

Computer! *clicks* Bitch…

You will die, my little pony!

What do I do? What do I do? Who do I call? Got it! *dials the phone*

*A stallion arrives at the door*

Wow, that was fast.

Your book is possessed.

Yes, father. I need your help on this!

Good, because I’m going to need your help on this.

My help? What do you need me to do?

You need to continue your review.

Continue the review?

Yes. This is a critic demon. A demon that can only be dispelled with a review. Now I can help, but only a review can stop it.

*The stallion doses the book in holy water.*

Okay, then… On with the review I guess…

*picks up the book*

Celestia ends up meeting with Aqua.

Celestia had noticed the change in Aquinus almost immediately. There was a whole different air about him now. She didn't realize the extent of his personality change, however, as being around her awoke the flicker of joy he still had.

In what way? Celestia never mentions how Aqua is different. He just is! And we’re supposed to believe it!

Yeah, because that’s the sign of a good writer!

Prince Terra walks into the room with the two and suddenly…

Fuck him! Fuck him, Critique!

Is he going to be interrupting me throughout the review?

Probably.

That’s not going to get annoying at all.

So, it turns out that the brothers aren’t on very good terms. How do we know this? Because the story fucking tells us! No, seriously! This story treats us like we couldn’t understand it! So, instead of treating its audience like intelligent ponies, it just fucking tells us!

You see, the twins hadn't parted on the best of terms...

It turns out the twins were trying to outdo each other for years. Trying to impress the other. However, after a heated argument, about probably nothing, their father, Chronos, asks them not to fight one another or it could mean the end of the world. He also says that if they do, that’s totally chill. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this.

"My sons," he said in his deep, caramel voice. "Are you certain that I cannot persuade you to cease this course of action? It will not end well."

I could probably stop what you two are doing, but honestly, seeing two Alicorns fighting would be awesome!

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Anyway, Cosmia, the mother apparently, asks Chronos to reconsider, but Chronos says he can’t interfere since he knows everything that is going to happen and can’t risk destroying the time stream.

He tells Cosmia of a single event that would bring devastation to the world and honestly, if you’re lost, you’re not the only one.

Basically, from what I can gather is that, Terra and Aqua both want to be top alicorn and they have been bickering for years about who is best pony. They have been harboring hatred for one another and that when they are reunited, they will begin fighting, which will devastate the world.

I think that’s what it’s supposed to be, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually about Terra wanting the last slice of pizza, but Aqua got to it first.

Terra and Aqua look like they’re about to go at it when all of the sudden…

"SISTER! HOW GOES THINE SUN LOWERING, AND--"

Christ! Why does every story with Luna have to do the royal voice thing?!

Luna appears and worries for her brothers.

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

Um… Pardon?

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

… Are going to interrupt me on this one?

No! That was too stupid, even for me!

Goodie… BUUUUUUUUULLL SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

What is this?! Upside down world?! The reason, the WHOLE REASON, why Luna became Nightmare Moon was because of her jealousy of the sun being loved more than her nights! Not because “I miss my brother”!

Good God, not even the canon is consistent in this story! First, the writing itself, then the characters of Aqua and Terra, and now not even Luna’s backstory is not even consistent with the canon of the series!

And I checked the tags guys! This isn’t an alternate universe story! This is supposed to fit within the show itself! But how can it be when you throw away the set up from the show?! I’m not above ponies exploring the different levels that Luna had to go through to get to that point, but changing it completely?! Are you high?!

Also, the story says that the brothers were in isolation for 1000 years before Luna was banished to the moon! Was she just bottling her anger towards that for 1000 years?! Did she never think to look for them or ask Celestia where they were?! Celestia obviously knew where they were, otherwise, why would they be here in the first place?!

On top of that, when the fucking hell did this story establish that Luna had a close relationship with her brothers?! We never see anything that the brothers do with Luna that would suggest the relationship was strong! So, even if I buy this bullshit, it holds no weight because we don’t relate to Luna’s loss. If we had actual scenes where Luna interacted with her brothers to show how important they are to her, there might have actually been something! But no, this story doesn’t give a shit! And if it can’t give a shit, why should the audience?! It’s a lame, stupid, idiotic story that has no place on this website except to waste our fucking time!

So I’m sure you’re all ‘begging’ for what this story throws at us next. If you said the ending, I feel you.

It turns out that Terra and Aqua are unable to look into each other’s eyes because of a curse that was casted by Cosmia’s sister…

Yeah, sounds stupid to me too.

That is, until their eyes met. When they were young, a traveling sister of Cosmia's had put a Curse on them as a punishment for interrupting her writ ing.

Sorry, I don’t know what writ ing is. Is it the same as pain ting? Or coo king?

Celestia and Luna agree to talk to their parents to see what they can do about lifting the curse.

We then get an attempt to add some humor to the story. You ready? Because it’s pretty good.

And then everything died. Pinkie Pie smashed Mare-iam Webster, then gave Sombra a death-Threat. Odd, considering that they had all died already, but then the Grand Duchess Fausticorn descended from the heavens, lifted the curse, and un-wrote this whole chapter.

Ha, ha, ha, it’s not only funny because this chapter was a complete waste of time, but apparently Pinkie Pie somehow survived the everything died thing and was able to smash a dictionary. Something this story really could have used. Isn’t that ironic?

Not to mention stupid.

So apparently, Luna and Celestia are able to calm them down or break the curse, or whatever, I don’t know, if you still care, you should hit yourself in the head more times.

However, it now turns out that the years of isolation not only changed their personalities (not that we are ever shown that), but changed their molecular structure!

Yeah, it’s pretty much here that the author just doesn’t give a shit anymore. So, why should I?

After a few days pass, what went on between those days are not important to the story, as the story clearly points out to us, they decided to meet <gulp> their parents.

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Well, not really a solution, more like an option with a chance of success. They had to contact… <gulp> their Parents.

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Pretty sure I just did that joke.

So, the narrator then gets into an argument with the audience, (which is strange seeing how an audience doesn’t exist for this story) and gets us back on track after some unfunny humor. Of course, it if was humor, it would actually be funny!

So, they manage to get to their father, Chrono. However, he says that things are becoming WORSE!

So, they try to stop the event, some stupid jokes are thrown throughout this thing and we finally end this story with it all being made up by some stupid pony, all for a lame punchline.

And with that, Rocky left the room, making sure to bring the book and turn out his sister's light. Nopony knew where the book had come from, only that it was all that remained of a lost world.

Until today where it ended up here.

This story is incomplete! Fuck me hard!

Well…

It’s not working! You have to finish the story!

What?! There is nothing to finish! That’s it! It doesn’t continue from there!

Something’s wrong! It should have ended!

You ponies will never be rid of me!

It’s the ending…

*The room shakes violently. Cracks form into the walls and doorway.*

It’s the ending that compels you…

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*A scratch forms in the book as it floats off the desk.*

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

You son of a bitch! Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!

*Critique grabs the book from the air and struggles with it*

Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!     The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*Critique throws the book out the window as it topples into the street. The two ponies look out the window to see a stream of blood coming from the book.*

Well, that was easy.

What are you talking about?

We won. We beat the devil.

By throwing him out a window?

What? It’s how it happened in the Exorcist.

You’re not a real priest, are you?

Nope, just got it at a costume shop.

So, who the hell are you?

Maybe someday I’ll tell you. Until then, have an Element of Honest.

Wait, I’m the Element of Honesty?

No! That’s be stupid! That’s just a replica. Bye, now!

*The stallion leaves where he entered.*

Who the hell was that?! Whatever…

So, how does this story hold up? Horribly!

For what it could have been, there was some decent ideas floating around and in the hands of a decent writer, they probably could have turned out okay. The idea of two alicorns fighting is always good, the fact that they are the kings of the earth and sea could have led to some interesting ideas and it might have worked if they ended up hating each other and needed the guidance of friendship.

What we end up with is a story that doesn’t really care what it is. It starts out trying to make something, but as it goes on, the author ends up clearly not caring about what he posts. He just types, posts it and hopes it doesn’t get flames.

There’s a difference between being a troll fic and just not caring. A troll fic doesn’t care from start to finish and virtually offers nothing. A story that doesn’t care has something that might be interesting, but just doesn’t care enough to jump on it, or even notice that it has something worth talking about.

And that’s just sad. It’s a sad little story that slowly degenerates into a troll fic, with almost nothing redeemable about it.

And that’s all I’ve got on this one. Hopefully, we’ll be back in the library by next week and we can just forget that whole demon possessed book ever happened. Have a good day guys.

If you have sex with a Changeling that looks like your beloved, and you didn't know, and you end up having a child together, does it count as cheating?

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

If you have sex with a changeling that looks like your beloved and you didn’t know and you end up having a child together, does it count as cheating?

…

…

…

…

…

No, that’s not a question I’m asking. I don’t care about the fucking answer. But apparently, somepony did and now we have this story.

I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about it, but I’m not clever enough. And let’s face it; I wasted all the rape rants I had in October. So, let’s not waste any time on this one.

Let’s dig into I had no imagination when giving a title for this story and so I decided put my description of it instead just so I can fuck with you all by The Wraith Writer

We begin our tale with Shining Armor hearing a knock at the door late at night.

Shining Armor looked over his shoulder at his wife’s sleeping form. He had hoped that perhaps she had woken up and he could feign sleep while she got the door, but no such luck.

Typical male response to these situations.

Who asked you?!

As, Shining Armor goes downstairs to check the front door, he finds a baby lying on his doorstep.

The baby’s small eyes were shiny and black.

Baby

Baby

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

However, it turns out that the child is actually from Queen Chrysalis. Wow, this would have been a shocking… something… if it wasn’t in the title, but I know what you’re all thinking. What happens next?

Shining puts two and two together and figures out that the child is in fact his and Chyrsalis’s and that he slept with her under Cadance’s guise.

No! Bad elephant! Bad! Go back outside!

Sorry, I don’t know how that elephant got into the room. Computer, why do I have a pet elephant?

I have no idea, sir.

Cadance wakes up and comes to wonder what was happening. Sure, she waits until he gets up to answer the door. Typical female response.

How cute.

Shut up!

Shining hides the child as he tries to figure out what to do about it.

Shining convinces her to go back to bed and says he will join her shortly.

Shining actually does, what I think is a clever move here. Shining writes a note saying that he is heading to Ponyville to help Twilight with an emergency and that he left that night.

He makes his way to the train station to make his way to Ponyville.

Since he needed to be there faster than was normally possible, Shining Armor roused the conductor of what was known as the Ludicrous Train. The metal monstrosity was just like a regular train save it had numerous rockets strapped to it and was painted plaid.

Well, I’ll give the story this much credit, it knows what it is. Oh and as we go, you’ll figure that out too. It may not look like it right now, but trust me; you’ll know when you see it.

The train rocketed out of the station at a ferocious speed that nearly topped Shining Armor over in his seat.

Wow, the father of the year, fillies and gentlecolts. Almost cracks his baby’s skull on his first night of ownership by getting aboard a rocket train.

Soon after closing his eyes, Shining Armor was lying on his back on the train’s ludicrously comfortable seats, snoring, with the baby cuddled against his chest.

(Now if that scene doesn’t make you go ‘awww’ you have no soul.)

…

… Do you mind?! I’m working here!

How the hell do you keep getting in here?!

Meanwhile, at Twilight’s, she wakes up and…

Twilight Sparkle

She really likes books

Oh… no….

It’s the Borderlands gag.

An attempt to throw in some humor by overdramatically giving out the characters names like they are some fucking comic book superhero whore. And then give a very brief sentence about them like it’s supposed to be funny. But in Borderlands case, it was incredibly annoying. And in this case… it’s incredibly annoying.

And it happens for every character in the story. Apparently nopony was spared the wrath!

So, Twilight goes and makes herself a cup of coffee and apparently it’s the best kind of coffee in the world.

But as the still awakening Twilight pulled the coffee can down from the shelf in her telekinetic grasp, she got a jolt that woke her up far better than any cup of coffee. (Even that lovely brand that has cocaine in it)

There a digestion problem joke here somewhere, but let’s face it, the story is trying to be funny FOR me. It’s like raging against someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck, there’s no sport in it. Maybe I should try to do this review straight for all the good my jokes are doing.

Anyway, Shining arrives at via Super Fantastic Awesome McBaddass Super Train, which is conveniently parked right outside her doorway with there never been any evidence of a railroad track anywhere near her place, but hey, contrivances need to happen somewhere.

Shining Armor appears at Twilight’s door much to her relief.

So, one might imagine her relief at seeing her brother Shining Armor standing there instead of, say, Lady Death or a Hasbro Executive.

So, wait… is the story self-aware that it’s a just a story? Or is this another vain attempt at humor? Either way, not having that much of an impact on me. I dealt with the devil last week, story! There is nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t seen!

Shining Armor

Dude needs a corndog

Case and point!

Also, I doubt he so much needs a corndog as he needs to get out of the situation he is currently in! A funny line would have been “Is (or has been) royally screwed!” Or at the very least, it fits into what the situation is going on around him and it would have fit into the Queen Chrysalis thing and it would have fit into what Cadance would put him in if she found out about what happened. It’s a good pun since both Cadance and Chrysalis are considered royalty.

But then of course, we couldn’t reference something that is only slightly less funny.

Shut up, story! I know what it is!

So, Shining comes in and tells Twilight about what happened.

He pulled a chair over from a stack of books and gently sat the bundle down on the cushion. Twilight looked at the bundle and saw that it contained a baby foal. Normally one might need a shot of adrenalin for this, but Twilight lived in the same hundred-mile radius as the Cutie Mark Crusaders so she was good.

Because giving birth to babies in Equestria never happens! Nope! Never! Not once in the history of all Equestria has a baby ever been born! Nope! Not once!

Oh, quit your balling, you little twerps!

How can you be so heartless?

Because I’m an asshole! That’s why!

So, Shining gives Twilight the note and…

(At this point, many of you are wondering what’s wrong with Twilight. Here, this should clear things up)

Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing.

Oh, good! I was hoping for some actually character interaction and actually trying to add some plot to this jumbled mess of references and jokes, but this is sooooo much better! You almost got me to give you a pity laugh, story. Almost.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash flies in and…

Rainbow Dash

20% more wingboner

So, the rest of the main six appear with an overdramatic open that makes me feel like I’m watching the fucking Super Friends intro. Yes, because it was so funny and clever the first time! Even if you’ve never played Borderlands, you’d be pretty sick of this joke by the time Rainbow Dash flew in, especially since it’s not even a fucking sentence before the next character flies in, with their unnecessary over-the-top intro sequence!

“Twilight!?” Shining Armor was obviously panicking now, seeing as the ‘!’ is now in front of the ‘?’.

Case and point, the story doesn’t care. Why should I? Here, have some keys. You can jiggle them in front of your face.

So, in case you were wondering what was the point of that chapter? As if you didn’t already know. Absolutely fucking nothing. It’s just one big joke after another. I don’t mind jokes if they are leading up to something or are at least advancing the plot, but when it’s just pointless gag after pointless gag, it becomes dreary really quickly.

Wasn’t there a baby we were supposed to get back to? Apparently, that wasn’t important enough for the story, so it decided to glimpse over it.

Finally, Twilight bursts out that Shining has a child with Chrysalis!

…

…

…

Normally, this is the point where I would do the ‘DUN DUN DUN’ video, but I did use it twice in the last review. Also, WE ALREADY KNEW THAT! GOOD THING WE TOOK AN ENTIRE CHAPTER TO ESTABLISH WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW! THAT WAS WELL WORTH IT!

Finally, Spike walks in and…

Spike

Who?

… Okay, one point for you. I kind of laughed here.

So, apparently after learning that Chrysalis and Shining have a kid, the main six are so shocked that they were able to suck all the air out of the room, causing Spike to pass out.

Ignoring the science on that for a second, (FUCK SCIENCE, WE GOT ROCKS) Full House had better humor than this.

I know I can’t take that back, but I still stand by it! Full House was funnier than this!

They take Spike outside to give him some air and they ask if he is okay.

Twilight just nodded out of habit, but truth be told she did look like she had seen a ghost. No, wait, ghosts aren’t too terrifying. More like she saw Celestia become anthro, turn into one of those half rotted zombies, and then the abomination took all it’s clothes off.

(TheWraithWriter is not responsible for any mental trauma caused by this story)

Oh, my mental scars say otherwise.

So, we FINALLY get back to what the main focus of the story should be…

The child. The six try to figure out what to do and Shining tells them that they can’t tell Cadance or any pony else.

Why not? Half the town knows by now with all the fucking Borderland themed introductions that you’ve given us!

Twilight asks if she thinks Cadance would understand, but Shining replies like so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Cadance and she loves me,” Shining Armor said quickly. “But she’s also a bucking lunatic.”

Well, considering that she was kidnapped by the mother and forced to starve to death in a dungeon while she banged you, I’d think she’d have every right to be upset!

Twilight, Shining and Fluttershy agree to follow Zecora to her hut to discuss what to do about the child and to find out if it is actually Shining’s. Twilight asks Applejack and the others to say behind in case Cadance shows up. Twilight, knowing the Element of Honesty, asks Applejack not to talk to Cadance. Which begs the question, why doesn’t Twilight just have her tag along with them, so that the risk isn’t even there?! Oh, that’s right… I forgot. The story gives about as much of a shit as I do.

Also, the scene was pointless, so why even have it? Just cut Applejack from the story. It wouldn’t have taken away anything important. In fact, you could cut out the main six from this story and it would have no impact. Except maybe Twilight, but the others have no place in this story and you’ll see why. This would have been fine if this Applejack confrontation actually amounted to anything.

But whatever, as the group makes their way to Zecora’s hut, Fluttershy asks kind of a stupid question.

“Are you sure this is the right way?” Fluttershy asked Zecora.

The zebra glared at the yellow pegasus. “Of course I am sure,” she said, and then added in a low voice, “Ungrateful miserable cur.”

Okay, ignoring for a minute the characters acting like assholes to one another, what exactly was Fluttershy ungrateful for? There is no lead up to what she was ungrateful for! What is it exactly?… You know what, I don’t care.

Twilight begins to suspect that Zecora might be under some kind of curse. Probably from the kid. What, is he going to be like Roy and has magical powers at age 0? Again, this is never brought up again, so … why is it here?

Shining turned his attention to the little bundle that floated in front of him. “Even if he isn’t, I couldn’t bear to just let this little tyke go.”

Because you’ve spent so much time developing their relationship… Oh, wait, NO YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T!

It’s instead been spent on Borderland gags and broken Twilight’s that need to be rebooted! Where is the relationship building for the two? They’ve barely shared a scene together! Is that once scene on the train supposed to represent that they are close?! One scene and Shining has bonded with the little twerp?! Makes sense, I guess! Hey, I’ve seen relationships built on less!

But Zecora finally remembers where to go… Thanks for that plot point… And they get to the hut to rest.

Then the baby starts crying. God, the kid wants to get this story over with as much as I do.

Zecora manages to get a bottle of changeling milk. … Why does Zecora have a bottle of changeling milk?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, Fluttershy … ends up the ceiling of Zecora’s hut? And then Zecora uses a blow dart to calm her nerves? And then Fluttershy and Zecora are hinted at sexual things together?

Can we get back to the story about the kid, please?! You were winning me over much better with that!

And then Zecora takes a strand of hair from the child, Shining and… Twilight? And Zecora suggests that Twilight might be the mother?

Oh, good, the incest will make my stomach curl so much that I’ll forget how much my head hurts after repeatedly hitting it!

And it turns out that Zecora has a strand of hair from Queen Chrysalis?… Sure, why not? Whatever it takes to end this quicker.

However, as Zecora prepares the test, she finds out that she is missing an important ingredient. So, she sends Twilight and Shining out to get it. Not sure why this is even here, the plant never comes to anything and the test is ultimately pointless anyway. I know why they can’t show the results, but could you at least have it lead up to something?

We cut back to Pinkie Pie and the others who have started a drinking party in the hopes that it will distract Cadance long enough for them to figure out what to do with the kid.

Here’s something that the group never thought of. What if she doesn’t drink? … What then? Are you just going to force it down her throat?

But of course, in this story, there are no sober ponies. Not even the one reviewing it.

We get some oral sex jokes, some banana jokes, and honestly, if you haven’t noticed, I’m moving this story along as fast as I can.

Cadance finally arrives at the party and asks about Shining. The girls do their best to stop her and finally end up challenging her to a drinking game.

And apparently, Cadance’s concern for her husband is so second nature that she agrees to the drinking game almost instantly. Why is she in love with Shining again?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

Yeah, okay.

So, as the girls begin to lose the drinking game to Cadance, they try to figure out what the best move is to make her not look for Twilight and Shining. How about knocking her out? Not what you would do? Too bad, this story does it anyway.

So after breaking the fourth wall again, (I don’t care about it anymore, why should you?) Twilight and Shining continue to travel through the forest.

“She said we would find it in sun.” Twilight answered, a little irritated herself.

Uh… I think it’s supposed to be “Find it in the sun”, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. … And clearly no thought went into this. Must be why it amounts to nothing!

Also, why would Zecora be vague about this? Maybe she just wants more ZecoraXFluttershy time…. Damnit, story, now you’ve got me doing it!

Not that Cadance was violent all the time, but ever since being trapped in those caves beneath Canterlot she had a tendency to treat situations she normally would think on with violence.

When? When was that? We never saw that! Not once has this ever been a thing! I’m sorry, when was it ever hinted at this! We never saw it in the scene with Shining, we never saw in the drinking scene! Wouldn’t this important piece of information be a little more relevant if we actually showed it?!

So, we actually get some pretty interesting character development with Shining thinking about what he would do if the baby it turned out, wasn’t actually his. Deciding that he could be the bridge that helps brings ponies and changeling together. And it’s actually a very nice little moment. …

Can I get some more of that please?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

I’m starting to dislike you, Zecora.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and the others try to decide what to do with the unconscious princess. Why not throw her in a dungeon? Maybe that will give us some real Post-Traumatic Stress disorder!

We then cut back to Zecora where she actually puts her thinking cap on and actually wonders why Chrysalis would leave her child without a good reason. The first sensible thing said in this story! Only took us 6 chapters in!

However, before Zecora can figure out the mystery, Fluttershy attacks her with a frying pan and knocks her out. I would say this leads up to something, but… no. It really doesn’t.

Twilight and Shining return back to Zecora’s hut and Zecora can’t stop talking about how she wants to go cupcakes on Fluttershy’s ass, all while not rhyming. Yeah, apparently, she doesn’t want to rhyme anymore.

Look, if I have to question every little thing in this story, I’m going to be here forever! And lord knows I don’t need that!

Twilight believes that Fluttershy is innocent and can explain herself, but Zecora is not convinced. She then grabs a compass she has that can track down Fluttershy. … Just buy it, people. It will be a lot quicker.

Shining starts reacting vengeful and mimics Zecora’s willingness to kill the child. Oh, yeah, because their relationship was so well established in the… What? Two scenes they had together and barely interacted with each other?! Weren’t those great?!

IF I SAID IT WAS GOOD, CAN I PLEASE STOP?!

So, they find Fluttershy and Twilight attempts to keep Zecora and Shining from attacking her.

Twilight asks where the baby is and Fluttershy can only respond by saying “The baby is safe.”

After talking Fluttershy down, she admits to liking Shining Armor for the longest time. When did Fluttershy make clear that she knew Shining Armor? I don’t remember that episode! Maybe this is how Changeling #6 had a crush on Shining, but can I please know why Fluttershy took the baby?!

I can’t take this! I really can’t! I’m trying, story! I’m really trying to like you! I really am!

Do you think I want to not like you?! I’m really trying here! I’m trying to find you humorous! I’m trying to find you interesting, but it’s just not happening! Do you think I want 1000 ponies banging on my door with torches and pitchforks demanding retribution for the review of a story that I am clearly the minority for?! Do you think I enjoy that?!

So, they ask Fluttershy where the baby is and Fluttershy explains that the baby is back in Ponyville.

They then receive a letter from Celestia saying they know about the Changelings plans and that the child needs to be placed under protection. Oh, and some more pointless humor. Because Molestia is funny, apparently. Oh, I’ll get to her another day. Trust me. Her day is coming!

Twilight teleports to Ponyville, leaving Shining behind.

Author's Note:

This chapter was a little more intense than previous ones and I'm sorry if it broadsided you.

However, the next chapter will be even worse.

No, please broadside me! This was actually the best chapter in the story! It certainly not great, but it’s at least advancing the plot and doesn’t waste our fucking time with a dumbass drinking game and a stupid flower that ultimately amounted to nothing!

Meanwhile, Applejack is given the baby for safe keeping by Angel. Rainbow Dash arrives and explains what happened to Cadance. Suddenly, they are attacked by Changelings who are demanding the child.

Applejack tells Rainbow Dash to fly away with the kid and Applejack… pulls out a shotgun? … Okay, let me clear one thing up before you all start harping on me. I live 700 years after Twilight’s coronation. We have shit like that in my time! How did a shotgun end up in Applejack’s possession?!

Oh well, it is pretty bad ass.

She’s so pretty when she has a weapon of death and destruction.

Meanwhile, Twilight arrives at the library and it turns out that she can’t use a teleport spell again, after teleporting such a long distance. So she can’t go back for Shining Armor or Fluttershy.

Dash gets attack by the Changelings as she is escaping with the kid, but she is able to outmaneuver them.

Also, one thing just came to my mind. Why don’t the Changelings turn themselves into somepony they trust and trick the main six into giving them the kid? Rainbow Dash hasn’t proven very bright in this story (nor has anypony else for that matter), I doubt it would take a lot of effort. It especially doesn’t make any sense despite what we will see in later chapters.

However, as Rainbow Dash tries to run, one of the Changelings manages to bite her. She manages to escape them in a pretty cool chase scene.

Rainbow Dash manages to get the kid to Twilight. However, the royal guard appears and demands the child.

Twilight runs off, leaving Rainbow Dash to fend for herself against the royal guard. Bitch…

One of the guards manages to catch up with Twilight, demanding the child. Twilight refuses and one of the other guards tries to get the furious one to calm down. However, the furious one is growing impatient.

Right before he can kill Twilight Sparkle, Predator appears and attacks the furious one. Sure, why not?

Twilight takes the opportunity to run, but Predator is hot on her trail. (Okay, it’s actually a Changeling in Predator armor, but I’m calling it a Predator, because considering what we’ve seen so far, would that really surprise anyone?) And the other guard is hot on Predator’s trail.

Twilight continues to run, but Predator is catching up to her. However, the other guard (No, I’m not going to bother learning this character’s name) attacks the Predator with a flaming cocktail.

Sunshine smirked. “And I guess you could say that he-” she gestured to the changeling whilst putting on a pair of sunglasses “-couldn’t take the heat.”

Okay. Twice. Twice, this story has made me laugh. TWICE! HAVE I FILLED MY QUOTA?!

However, it turns out that Predator wasn’t alone and brought his gang with him.

Twilight manages to get away, but the other guard is not so fortunate, fortunately.

One of the Predators manages to catch up with Twilight and demands the child. When Twilight refuses, Predator threatens her. But fortunately, Shining Armor appears to save her. Or unfortunately, I can’t tell at this point.

Cadance then arrives with a sword to throw to Shining Armor to battle the Predator. And then we have what is, I’m not going to lie, a pretty awesome fight scene. Yeah, it has some more dumb jokes, but my god, this fight scene is pretty damn cool. And the build up to it is great. WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS THE ENTIRE STORY?!

We then have the characters calling the Predator “An ugly mother-bucker!” Oh, yes, keep using that joke! I’m sure it will get funnier after the 59th time in this story alone!

However, it turns out before Shining can kill it, Queen Chrysalis appears… with a revolver? And she kills her own Predator?

Okay… This better be building up to something big or else… I’m going to yell about it! Okay, story. Here’s your chance. This better building up to something good! Something that I could not foresee! Something that justifies all of … this! Okay, story… Go ahead… Give us your explanation of what I had to go through.

So, it turns out that Chrysalis had nothing to do with her child being abandoned on the doorstep of Shining’s home. Turns out a traitor group had deemed Chrysalis unfit to rule the Changelings due to her last failure, so they kidnapped Chrysalis’s child and held her for ransom.

However, thanks to a character we never see or hear from before this point in the story, (woven in the story like a quilt) the child was recused sent to the Crystal Empire.  However, she is captured and they discover that the child was in Ponyville.  

Which begs the question, how the hell was Chrysalis able to attach a note to a baby she never saw beforehand? And the perfume on it, how the hell did that get there?! Did the kid just emanate it?! Is that what it’s farts smell like?!

Furthermore, wouldn’t it be easier to say in the note “Psychos trying to kill our child! Keep our baby safe!” Yeah, I know the mystery and all that, but it makes no sense!

However, Equestria was known for accepting others. So, even if it was a changeling/pony hybrid, Equestria’s love would allow it to stay with them and be safe there. But I’m pretty sure that the author was not going for that. For you see…

There’s the twist… The twist that comes the fuck out of nowhere.


The child is Cadance’s!

See, told you I didn’t need you!

Stupid Elephant.

Oh, yeah. The joke of this story the whole time was that the letter was meant for Cadance! It turns out that Cadance and Chrysalis have been conspiring this whole time, having a child right under Shining’s nose! It turns out that Cadance out of compassion saved Chrysalis’s life and thus changes her ways.

And what does Shining do? What the hell does Shining do after find out that not only is his wife bisexual?! Not only finding out that she was cheating on him?! Not only was she hiding what is essentially his stepchild?! But also, have to have gone through this whole thing?! What does he do?!

Oh, and guess what the pair of you will be doing! That’s right, making me some Celestia-damned corndogs because I’ve sure as Tartarus earned some.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Critique.exe has processed the error.

Haven’t we had enough of that joke yet?

I’m not going to lie to you guys, this is one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever had to write.

The comedy for this story feels like a pie being thrown in my face for every joke we get! The first one was funny, the second was less funny, the third one was dumb, and by the time we get to the fourth pie, I finally notice that the story has 40 other pies waiting to throw at me!

Occasionally, there will be an anvil in the pie to break up the monotony, but they come too far and few between! And by then, it’s already too late!

They don’t further the plot, they don’t develop the characters, and most of them don’t have a place here!

Now, what about the plot?

STORY, ENOUGH! I AM SICK OF THESE JOKES! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS! I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT! THIS BULLSHIT THAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH JUST TO GET TO THE FUCKING ENDING! NO MORE BULLSHIT! JUST YOU AND ME, TALKING ABOUT THIS! HOW DOES THIS HOLD UP?! HOW DOES IT’S PLOT HOLD UP?! HOW DOES THE FOCUS HOLD UP AFTER EVERYTHING I FUCKING WENT THROUGH?! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT HELD UP?!


















Actually, better than I thought…

I’m serious. When the story actually wants to tell a story, it actually does it better than you’d think. Now, do I think there are problems with the story portion of it? Yeah. The relationship between Shining and the child should have been developed better, the attempt to overthrow Chrysalis should have been hinted at, even if you don’t reveal everything it should have lead up to that moment a lot better than it did, the ending could have done with some more emotional connection considering that it was trying to build a relationship between the baby and Shining, and most of the characters had no purpose there except to be a punchline.

But in the last third of the story, it’s actually kind of fun. Going back to the pie thing, it felt like I could finally eat the pie that had been thrown at me! And surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. It’s not a pie I preferred, but it actually could be enjoyed.

It’s like it finally realized that it had to tell a story, so it attempted to give us all of it in one shot, and honestly, while good, it does come off as incredibly rushed.  The twist came out of nowhere with no real lead in and most of it feels like the story started out like it had no idea where it was going, but in the last third, it’s like the story finally figured out where it needed to go. Unfortunately, that left us with a lot of pointless scenes that don’t really amount to anything.  

If this story had focused more on the story elements rather than the comedy for the first two-thirds, I think the story would have been much stronger. It’s clear that when the story was trying, it really showed. It really had some moments where I legitimately felt like the story was trying to be good and was actually succeeding. And while it’s not a story I’m overly fond of, I have to admit there was a level of talent, care and effort put into the final two ‘real’ chapters. I felt that I was reading a really good story. Hell, I wanted more of that. I didn’t even mind the jokes as much since we were trying to have an engaging plot and believable characters.

But unfortunately, that was not the focus. Just as I was staring to enjoy the pie, I would have another pie thrown at my face, taking me out of that enjoyment.

The story doesn’t really have a moment where it can just slow down and let you take in what is going on. Maybe that’s what it’s going for as it tries not to dwell on it. But for me, it didn’t really grab me and therefore, it didn’t connect with me very well.

I didn’t feel like I was relating to the characters well enough to be a part of this story. I had almost no connection to them until that last little bit. So, that made it a really difficult read for me. I’m not saying that comedy shouldn’t be in a story, but I think the focus still needed to be on the characters and the story.

There was good to come from this and it’s easy to see why so many people liked it, but if someone were to come up to me and say they hated it, I wouldn’t find it that hard to believe.

So, unfortunately, as good as some of the good parts are, it’s just not worth enduring the first two-thirds. The biggest problem in this story for me was the first two-thirds. I’ll admit if I didn’t force myself to read through the whole story, I probably wouldn’t have. And that, in my opinion, hurts it.

But, this is coming from the guy whose stories have taken off about as well as a butterfly flattened by a steamroller, so what do I know?

Well, I know one thing; How to end this review! By beating a dead horse!

The Critique

Full of himself

(and hot air)

Our Gifts

Youtube Video

Oh, Michael… How I wish I could hear you live?

Computer, shut that shit off!

But sir, it is Michael Buble?

I don’t care if it’s fucking Josh Groban! Turn it off!

Party pooper.

Anyway, hello everypony. I am the Critique.

So, I guess with this new month before us, I need to get started on my next review. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on my usual introductions, I just want to get into this story. Our story today is Our Gifts by TheDescendant. Wait… Our Gifts? Computer, are you sure you’ve got the right schedule?

...

Computer?

Apologies, sir. Yes, today you are to review Our Gifts.

Huh? … I don’t remember putting that on the schedule. … Okay, then. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Our story begins with Twilight Sparkle excited for Heart’s Warming.

Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

It happens to all of us, Twilight.

She leaps around the room and falls off her bed.

99 Twilight’s jumping on the bed! One fell off and became an alicorn! … What, they can’t all be my A material?!

Spike comes in and goes to check on her.

Twilight Sparkle though was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

Yeah… we established that… I don’t think we need to again.

Twilight then…

She jumped upon the bed, fixing him with a mischievous smirk.

“I’m gonna get your candy cane, Spike,” she whispered.

“Uh oh!” he called, and in one smooth motion he rolled off the bed and began to pelt across the room.

“Gonna get it!” she called, barely hiding the laughter in her voice.

… … … This fic is rated everyone, right?

Maybe this is just my perverted mind still recovering from last week’s overload, but… what the hell?!

I mean, I know Spike has actual candy canes in his claws, but yeah, even knowing that, that’s a little fucking creepy!

So, a chase scene ensues between the two as Twilight tries to get Spike’s… candy cane… I know it’s supposed to be playful here and supposed to be innocent, but damn, it’s hard to get that thought out of my head!

Twilight manages to pin Spike down and … that’s it, I’ve got a start a dirty thoughts jar on this story; because I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

So, Twilight manages to get Spike to hand over some of his candy canes.

Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

Yes, you’ve said that twice now… No need to beat it into our skulls.

“Spike?” she asked as a broad smile fell over her face. She lifted her head and peered down at him from above. “May I have a lick of your candy cane, please?”

Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be broke by the end of this?

As they sit in the window, they simply watch the majesty of the holiday decorations. However, the night starts to age and Twilight suggests that they get ready for bed. Spike asks why Twilight is, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy. Hey, the story is bashing into your head, I might as well.

Twilight admits that she feels like a little kid again and that, somehow, gets Spike depressed. Spike starts to lie in his crib when Twilight decides that he has become too big for it. So, she decides that Spike will sleep with her.

Yeah, the candy cane gets me to be perverted, but that scene … nothing… Maybe I’m more fucked up than I realized? Or maybe I should stop drinking before reviews?

As the night goes on, Twilight starts to think about how perfect Heart’s Warming is going to be imagining how each and every pony’s gifts are perfect!

Their gifts had been perfect. They were sure of it.

:twilightsmile: I got you all books!

:ajbemused::pinkiesad2::fluttercry::raritycry::rainbowhuh: Typical Twilight.

:twilightangry2: Well, fuck you all too! What’d you get me, Applejack? Apples?

:ajsleepy: Yes...

Twilight giggled at the thought of the princesses marveling at the gifts, and was very proud that she and her little dragon had found the perfect presents for supposedly immortal beings… something that they alone in all Equestria knew that the sisters did not own.

Tickets to Saturday Night Live!

However, as she goes down her Heart’s Warming list, she finds out that the only one she didn’t shop for is Spike.

Youtube Video

I’ve been waiting to use that one!

So, Twilight starts to panic and rushes around her old home in Canterlot to try to find a quick gift for Spike. However, she accidently wakes Spike up in the process. She realizes that it’s too late to get a gift and that causes her to break down.

Spike asks what’s wrong and Twilight explains what happens begging for forgiveness. Spike explains that he already has the gift he needs.

Like an immature kid…

Actually, Twilight panics and rushes to their parent’s house. Twilight pulls her mother aside to ask what to do. The future ruler of Equestria fillies and gentlecolts!

Youtube Video

Oh, go jump off a building! Unless, you’re a Pegasus than that wouldn’t really bother you, would it? Just go away!

Twilight then overhears… Spike and her father talking about Hoofball players?

… I’ve got nothing on this one. So… yeah…

Also, one thing I’ve noticed is the sudden changing of point of views without any real way of distinguishing it. It just goes from Twilight’s point of view to the parents and back to Twilight. I know its third person and it probably shouldn’t bother me, but it just does and is really confusing.

Twilight and Spike rush off after bidding their parents farewell and rush off to talk to Shining and Cadance.

We get a cute scene from Cadance and Shining… I’m not adding to the jar, they’re married!

“Babe,” he said with a small laugh, “if you don’t stop wiggling like that, then we’re going to have another guest in this bed, one who’ll need a nice warm place to spend the night.”

Why does this create uncomfortable foreshadowing? Like there is something on the horizon that I may have to review that is captured in this sentence perfectly? Like the universe is somehow making these stories connect in a way that will remind me of the story that I have done and will most likely be forced to do in the future?

…

…

…

I’m sure it’s nothing.

So before the events of the last story I reviewed can be written, Twilight and Spike burst in. Now, Spike I want you to pay close attention. There will be a test afterwards.

Twilight drags Shining out of the room to ask him about what to do about Spike’s gift. However, Shining only says the same thing their mother did. Twilight, not sure what to do, breaks down. Shining suggests that Twilight tell him the truth and that Spike will understand.

They march back up to the room and…

“Dude,” he said, hovering his face over the little dragon, pretending to be incensed by what he discovered there, “love ya’ like a bro, but get up out of my bed and away from my mare.”

With a little kid… Wow, story. Just wow

Twilight and Spike head home, with Twilight pacing back and forth as to what to do for Spike. And Spike is just buying that Twilight is acting weird for no apparent reason. Though to be fair, if MLP fan fictions have taught me anything, Spike is actually not that smart.

Computer! This is an emergency! Get me… MY VIOLIN!

Twilight even gets so desperate for a gift for Spike, that she actually considers breaking the universe in order to get a gift for him! Oh, yeah, demons gnawing at your friends after burning all of Equestria to the ground is totally cool! But Spike not having a gift for Heart’s Warming? That’s simply too much!

Spike hears a spring sound and says it’s the sound of Twilight snapping… I guess Pinkie Pie’s mental breakdown twitches make a sound that all the other characters can hear and is contagious… I think I just got stupider after that sentence…

Anyway, Spike manages to calm her down and finally asks Twilight what happened.

So, Twilight takes Spike downstairs and allows him to see all the gifts he has and all the ponies who gave them to him. Except he doesn’t see Twilight’s.

That’s okay, Spike. She would have just given you a book anyway.

Twilight finally confesses to him, as she thinks about all the ways she let him down after all he had done for her.

And then Spike murdered Twilight Sparkle.

Oh, I kid! Spike actually gives Twilight her gift early and it turns out to be a memoir of everything they’ve been through together, represented by various items. Spike explains that while he was in the nursery there was no pony who he felt a closer relationship to than Twilight and that he would always feel sad when she was away.

Twilight still thinks that they should have something for him and Spike suggest that, for tonight, they could pretend like they were children and just cuddle next to the fire.

And our story ends with them realizing that their gifts come from one another and I get to make one more perverted thought before it all ends, even though it’s not even close to what the story intended.

Anyway,

This story is good.

It’s written very well, it’s a cute little story and does help capture the spirit of the Heart’s Warming season.

I can’t really say too much about it except that I always enjoy seeing the relationship between Twilight Sparkle and Spike. Spike is a really underrated character and honestly deserves to be part of more stories. And not just for a quick joke either, but really a character that can stand on his own. He actually does have a likable personality and is loyal to the end and will do anything to aid his friends.

But he’s far from perfect too. He’s a well-balanced character that honestly tries hard.

Honestly, I always enjoy these Spike and Twilight relationship building stories. It always makes me smile to see them interact in a very mature and very loving manner that respects both of the characters.

While this isn’t the most groundbreaking story I’ve ever read since it follows the “I forgot to get you a gift” cliché, it’s still a sweet little story that will affect your feels.

Have a good day guys.

***

“Mr. Lightning, you are not helping yourself by being silent,” Charming stated. Lightning glanced up from the steel chair he sat in, his eyes catching Charming’s. Charming stood up from the chair, wandering to the wall and giving a sigh. “What does the Grand Ruler want?”

Lightning’s eyes turned to the ground, avoiding any direction contact with Charming. However, his mind was a whirlwind of confusion. If Equestria wanted information, why not torture me to get it? The thought had crossed his mind several times in his imprisonment. However, despite himself mentally and physically preparing for Equestria’s worst, he was constantly denied.

Instead, he was given a treatment that a criminal would receive. He was no criminal, thug, or common ruffian. He was a solider. He would die before he would break.

“The Grand Ruler would not go after a simple librarian without a solid reason, would he?” Charming asked. He made his way to the center of the table, staring Lightning down. “The librarian has something that interests your ruler.” He simply shrugged. “If you do not talk, the others might.”

Lightning kept his composure, but inside, his eyes widened. He imagined himself opening his mouth to ask for another who would attack the Critique. The one he failed to defeat. The one he cursed each night as the Princess of the Night rose the moon, just like his Grand Ruler did with the sun and moon.

He played the battle in his mind again and again, hoping to find a weakness in his opponent. However, he didn’t seem to have any. His powers were nothing. He had no magic, no skills in combat, no training. He was a simple librarian with a temper. And yet, Lightning, the Grand Ruler’s apprentice, the wielder of the Uniforce, could not conquer him.

The truth was, or at least the conclusion he had come to, the librarian had gotten lucky. Used a cheap trick to win their fight. Collapsing the entire building onto him.

As for the other, he could understand others being sent to deal with the Critique. However, his mind swirled in anger at Charming’s words. The others. Meaning more than one other had been sent by the Grand Ruler to deal with the Critique. And they had failed.

Lightning remained in his chair, sitting still.

Another a few minutes, Charming ordered Lightning back to his cell, escorted under heavy guard, as usual. With the Uniforce at his side, Lightning could have easily overpowered their simple unicorn magic, but with the suppressor ring locked tightly on his head, specifically designed to disrupt the flow of magic from and to his horn, he was as normal as the librarian.

The guards took him to his small cell. A small mattress to his left and a toilet to his right. No mirrors, no sink, only a tiny window with metallic bars across it.

The moonlight looked down upon him. He glared at it with a growl. It was not his moon. It was the moon of his enemy. A moon that he was forced to look upon every night since his arrest.

He kept believing that his Grand Ruler would come to his aid, but that seemed impossible now. He sat upon his bed, staring blankly at the ground. He shook his head, thinking about his beloved Starla that awaited him back home. Starla was strong, beautiful and yet, so fragile. She would no doubt be devastated of his capture.

Then there was Thunder Ice. The stallion had no respect for anypony but himself. Not even the Grand Ruler could earn his admiration. No. Thunder Ice seemed content with making sure every pony was ‘taken care of’ as he put it. How he hated Thunder. Why the Grand Ruler insisted on keeping the Pegasus, he did not know. He had great power to be certain, but he abused it and often treated mares as nothing less than objects.

There was no love for him. Only sex. Only his lustful temptations. Maybe the Grand Ruler could see something within him that Lightning could not. But such disrespect that is rewarded with a high rank would have never flown with him. He had once accused his Grand Ruler of favoring Thunder, but the Grand Ruler had explained that everypony was important and that he was simply to believe in him.

Lightning, while not happy with it, accepted it.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a clang from the cage door. A stallion stood at the doorway with a steel tray. Despite the stallion having a horn on his head, he was carrying the tray with his hooves. The stallion was keeping eye contact with Lightning the entire time. Lightning couldn’t help but find it mildly disturbing. It was as if the stallion was expecting him to say something. Something that, Lightning, wasn’t able to say.

When a response had not been given, he slipped the tray through the bars, never breaking eye contact with Lightning. Placing the tray on the ground, he nodded. Without a word, he picked himself up and trotted away.

Lightning looked down at the tray. A steak, some green beans, and mashed potatoes. However, there was a slip of folded paper on top of the potatoes. Lightning reached over to the tray taking the paper from its resting place. Opening it up, he saw a brief message.

”This prison is full of mindless duds. Here’s to hoping you enjoy the spuds.”

Only one pony came to mind as he read the passage. Rhymey? Suddenly, it became clear. The stallion was Rhymey. A million questions flowed into his head. How did Rhymey infiltrate Equestria? How did the Grand Ruler accomplish this? Were there others in Equestria like him?

He reached to his potatoes, figuring out Rhymey’s decoded message. As he touched the potatoes, they felt rock hard. No. Something within them, covered up by the potatoes was solid. He brushed away the potatoes and underneath, revealed a white stone. He recognized it instantly. A stone that would allow him to contact the Grand Ruler without magic and without Equestria know. He knew his Grand Ruler had not abandoned him. He smiled, hiding away the stone and enjoying his meal.

The Season's Upon Us

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

As you all know, last week was an unexpected review. Not even I expected to review ‘Our Gifts’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be out of the pile of shit that I normally review, but I can’t help but wonder…

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Computer! What the hell is that?!

Deck the Halls by Mannheim Steamroller.

Well, turn it off! I’m busy with a review!

But, sir-

I said, shut it off!

… Yes sir…

Jesus… Now, where was I? … Oh, yes! Let’s start the review of The Season’s Upon Us  by Flutterdash1

… Wait? The Season’s Upon Us? … Computer? This is on the schedule, right?

Of course it is. I checked it twice, sir.

Hmm… Okay, then. I don’t know what I was smoking to make that choice, but whatever.

Before we begin our story, I’d like to look at the description for it first.

Applejack drops preparations for her own family's Hearth's Warming Day celebration when she finds out that her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, is going to go visit her family for the first time in a few years.

Mostly because they were pretty pissed off that Rainbow Dash was the only character ever cosplayed at Brony Con.

Rainbow Dash is reluctant to introduce Applejack to her family, but the farmer won't take "no" for an answer.

However, she was willing to accept “Not by the hair on my chiny, chin-chin.”

Together, the two travel north to Vanhoover where Applejack gets to meet the ponies that raised the awesome and amazing Rainbow Dash.

Wow, way to subtly tell everypony your favorite character in the show. If this is how the narrator has to talk about Rainbow Dash, I can see why her family isn’t her biggest fan either.

Our story opens with Rainbow Dash, considering our last sentence, did you really expect anything less?

Winter was Rainbow Dash's favorite season of the year.  The weather was more predictable,

As opposed to summer, where it constantly shifts between ‘hot’ and ‘hot as hell’.

The story also explains that Rainbow Dash enjoys it more because she can spend more time with Applejack. And yes, they are a couple in this story. Still waiting on how, but it’s probably not going to get that far.

Also, farm work doesn’t stop during the winter months. There are repairs to be done on the farm, paperwork, business planning, meetings with other farmers to exchange farming tactics. Though to be fair the story does say ‘less work’, but there’s still a lot of time devoted to the farm even during the winter months where food can’t grow.

Rainbow Dash heads off to Sweet Apple Acres where she meets up with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Not wanting them to interrupt her date with Applejack, she sends them off to make igloos and flies off before they can catch her.

Ha, ha, ha! You’re a bitch. No wonder your family hates you.

Rainbow Dash arrives at the farm and is greeted by Big Mac who says that Applejack is planning a party for the family and is getting on Big Mac’s nerves.

Rainbow Dash goes in and tries to calm her down.

"Whatcha dooooooin?" She asked in a playful tone.

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Now, all I’m doing is picturing this story as a musical… Which actually might make this a tad more entertaining.

However, Applejack, it turns out, is in a testy mood and exclaims that nopony else in the family is working as hard as she is. Geez, I knew that Applejack was a hard worker, but I didn’t think she was above anypony else like this!

Rainbow Dash tries to get her to relax, but Applejack isn’t hearing it.

"Granny's too old and Mac's too lazy," Applejack argued

Wow, I’m starting to see where Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a lot in common. They’re both rather bitchy. Also, starting to see why their family doesn’t like them.

Rainbow Dash, however, manages to push Applejack out the door to go ice-skating. Which makes absolutely no sense; because a few paragraphs ago, Rainbow Dash said that she would help Applejack with the chores she needed to BEFORE skating. I guess holding up promises that you make aren’t as important as forced romance. Of course it is.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack make their way to the frozen pond. While there, Rainbow Dash asks what has got Applejack so upset.

Yah just don’t get mah family,” Applejack said as she moved around Rainbow Dash, literally skating circles around her.  “Ah may have gone a lil’ overboard at mah family reunion last year, but mah family’s really rowdy.  Ah gotta keep everyone entertained ya know.  Ain’t nothin’ worse than a bored Apple.  They get crayzeh.”

:ajsmug: Why, this one time, Granny Smith got bored at a family get together, so they kidnapped a bunch of kids and cut them into bite size pieces, baked them into pies, and sold them at a bake sale.

:rainbowderp: Uh… what?

:ajsmug: Told you. My family gets crayzeh!

:ajbemused: Entertain me, Rainbow Dash… I’m getting bored.

Rainbow Dash accidently lets out about her family and Applejack asks why she hasn’t heard of them. Rainbow Dash explains that she doesn’t talk about her family because they are living in Vanhoover. North of Equestria. In Caneighda. … Well, I’ve heard worst names.

Applejack starts laughing at her for being Caneighdian. Hey, don’t make fun of Caneighdians! Caneighdians are great people!

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Changed my life.

Applejack manages to convince Rainbow Dash to bring her Caneighda. Rainbow Dash is hesitant at this, but Applejack reassures her it is okay.

The next … um… whenever passage of time, Rainbow Dash and Applejack arrive at the train station to head off to Caneighda. Twilight and the others arrive to wish them off. Apparently, they know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash are a couple and have just accepted it. I should probably do that do, but I can’t help but want to explanation for this.

Maybe Rainbow Dash is getting into the Love Poison again.

So, we go through the tour of Rainbow Dash’s family tree, and believe me it is not nearly as exciting as it might sound. This probably could have been moved to when Rainbow Dash and Applejack actually arrived at Rainbow Dash’s childhood home and having Applejack see all these characters and interacting with them.

So, it turns out that Rainbow Dash actually has eight siblings. Oh, I sure hope that they all get some great character development moments; otherwise, the story might be trying to cram too many characters into a single story. I realize that the focus is clearly on Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but I’ve got to say that’s a lot of characters for a 12000 word story. We’ve already mentioned both parents, grandparents, children, plus whoever they decide to bring. I realize that families can get this big, but let’s have a little bit of focus on each of the family members.

"Of everyone in my family, I'm the -most- successfull.  I'm the Ponyville Weather Team Leader, don't forget."  Applejack knew that.  If it wasn't for Dash's job, Applejack wouldn't be able to get forewarnings of upcoming weather changes and, she suspected, get preferential weather treatment duringvital times of the harvest.

Well, of course. Because there is not a single pony in Equestria who can tell the clouds where to go and how to behave. Especially since the ENTIRE weather process is controlled by Pegasi. Oh, Rainbow Dash, if you had a dick, I’d think the story and you were masturbating to yourselves.

"Dad works at the Vanhoover Rainbow Factory

He wanted me to work at the one in Cloudsdale, but I turned them down.  By the way, do you know how rainbows are made?

So, we find out that most Rainbow Dash’s family are unsuccessful idiots who haven’t done anything. Of course, they haven’t. Anything to make our little Dashie the best and most wonderful of all the ponies. Personally, I think it’d be rather interesting to have a pony in her family who was more successful and Rainbow Dash would feel ashamed that she hasn’t achieved her personal dream.

Like JOINING THE FUCKING WONDERBOLTS! I know that has nothing to do with the story, but lord, did that feel good to get that out!

Rainbow Dash warns Applejack that she might not like her family. Well, of course not. Clearly, Rainbow Dash is the only good one in the family. We have established that for the umpteenth time!

However, Applejack is willing to give her family the benefit of the doubt and makes a bet with Rainbow Dash. The loser will buy the other one dinner. So, this begs the question… If Rainbow Dash and Applejack are both considered tomboys by the fandom and they fall in love and decide to get married, which one of them gets to suffer wearing the dress?

MY TITLE! DO NOT STEAL!

They finally arrive at Rainbow Dash’s house in the clouds. And yes, the story does mention a spell Twilight had casted to allow Applejack to walk on clouds, but it was casted before the train ride and I seem to remember this line in the previous chapter…

So...uh..." Applejack said, "How long of a train ride are we lookin' at?"

"Six hours." Rainbow Dash said.

You know, I may not be an expert on magic since I am an earth pony, but I’m pretty sure that a six hour trip would give the spell time to wear off. Also, you’re counting on it lasting long enough for the entire duration of the stay. How long is Applejack staying? A week? A month? A year? Is the spell going to last forever? If that’s the case, why don’t all unicorns cast them on all the grounded ponies at birth?

So they get into the home and…

“Dashie!  Go put some lights on the tree then go hang the wreaths!”

Why hello to you to, mom! How have you been?! How’s life been treating you?! Why didn’t you tell me grandpa died?! Glad to see that little brother is still the favorite in the household!

… I don’t know where that came from.

That’s seems pretty abrupt, doesn’t it? Rainbow Dash barely has time to enter the door before being bombarded by her family’s orders. Not even giving her so much as a welcome.

Rainbow’s mother greets Applejack and offers her a tour of the house. Applejack accepts when suddenly…

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Suddenly, a figure sneaks up on Applejack…

After another second she could see that this was a colt though and his eyes were a shade of red rather than Derpy's amber.

It glared at Applejack that even a viper would be terrified by. And then.

she cried out in pain.  Twip had opened his mouth and bit her leg.

Blood splattered from the wound and Applejack fell to the floor. When she looked up, she saw the rest of the family all wearing bibs and carrying forks and knives.

… Okay, that didn’t really happen, but seriously what is with the little Twip biting Applejack?! And the mother doesn’t think anything of it. Seriously, mom, that shit needs some help! Get him some help!

The tour group makes their way to the living room where we meet every cliché bad father known to Equestria. The drunken uninterested parent. Wow, I’ve never seen this before! Except for the Simpsons, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Jonah Hex, Captain America, Iron Man, Forrest Gump, Nightmare on Elm Street, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Shining, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Final Fantasy X.

Except Homer Simpson is actually likable, where this father’s dialogue consists of…

You know what? I’m actually going to interview him to get all his dialogue in the story.

Have you ever beaten your child?

"Hm." the stallion grunted

I see. Yes. What was your favorite weapon to use on your child?

"Mmhm." Sky Prism said, turning his attention back to the television and sipping at a dark amber drink.

Ah, a very good choice. My personal favorite.

And apparently, he has a pet bird. So he’s… Jontron?!

Sorry to interrupt, story, but I was under the impression that Jontron was funny! Or at the very least, energetic! This guy is about as entertaining as a bowl of sour milk!

So, we continue to go down the list of characters in Rainbow Dash’s family with really nothing to distinguish them. Also, I can’t help but think back to comments made about them being unsuccessful. They are actually pleasant in all of their scenes. Treating Applejack with respect. While it is nice to see a family that isn’t atrocious, I’m not exactly seeing why Rainbow Dash would not interact with them or want Applejack never to be here.

God, I’d even settle for some earth pony bigotry at this point…

More and more characters start to appear and Applejack gives my feelings to each of them.

Applejack looked towards the speaker and saw a stallion that looked a little like Rainbow Dash’s father but his mane was not striped with a whole spectrum of colors; it was just black.  “Anotherone?”

And bear in mind, we are also getting into extended family such as spouses and children. So as you can imagine, that’s quite a huge cast. I’ve seen musicals with a smaller cast.

So, they then decide to sit down and watch Hoofball on the television. Because, that’s what this story needs! A distraction from the things that matter! LIKE THE CHARACTERS!

As Applejack watches Hoofball on a television, that I didn’t even know existed, Rainbow Dash starts to think about her family and her experiences with them. Of course, this part of the story doesn’t really hold that much weight, seeing how we never actually get to see the characters she is talking about. That’s right! For all the family we get to meet, there are still some characters that aren’t even mentioned yet. And even if we did, we never see what makes them so bad. We are told these things, but we are never actually shown them.

Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if these characters fit the role they were given better if they acted like it? Or at least, give us something that justifies Rainbow Dash’s thought process? I guess it could be the time of year thing, but asshole is still an asshole, despite the change in background.

… What’s with the looks, guys?

Rainbow Dash gets called away to hang a mistletoe. When Rainbow Dash complains, her mother has the audacity to ASK HER TO HANG THE MISTLETOE!

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… Wait, what?

She hated coming home. She would probably do it more often if there was less demanding and complaining going on.  

… … … SHE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO HANG UP MISTLETOE! YOU ACT LIKE SHE JUST ASKED YOU TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER IN SEVEN SECONDS OR LESS! THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THIS STORY! THE REASON WHY RAINBOW DASH DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER FAMILY IS BECAUSE ‘She has to do chores. She had to help out her parents! She has to do things to help her family! Wah! Wah! Wah!’

You know what Rainbow Dash? I don’t want you to be a part of my family anymore!

So, after that, Applejack rejoins Rainbow Dash and they both agree that it has been a long day and they decide to get some shut eye.

The next morning, Applejack is seen playing with the younger children of Rainbow’s family. You’ll notice that Rainbow Dash is also not playing with her nieces and nephews.

Kind of a big problem when Rainbow Dash is a part of her own damn family and yet, Applejack who is not even official family spends more time with Rainbow’s family.

Maybe the problem isn’t them, Rainbow Dash. Maybe the problem is you’re a bitch!

It turns out that Rainbow’s Grandmother was best friends to Granny Smith. Sure… whatever.

Then the little nephew does something nice for Applejack. Oh. That’s sweet…

Rainbow Dash leaned over the box and looked into it.  There was a snowflake inside.  A big snowflake made out of snow with a smiley face in the center.  After a moment though, Dash could see that it wasn’t actually made out of snow. It was some gooey white stuff with brown flecks here and there.  She leaned in a little lower and that was when the smell got to her.

“Ew!” she yelled, stepping back from the box, “Twip filled this up with bird crap!”

Little brat! Computer, get my belt!

And what does the world’s greatest grandmother have to say?

“Ehehehehehe!” Spring Breeze chuckled, “Boys will be boys, ehehehe.

… … … You know what? I’ve come to a revelation. Every single pony in Rainbow Dash’s family, including Rainbow Dash, IS FUCKING INSANE!

But give me 12 minutes and a crowbar and I’ll fix that!

So, Applejack chases the little brat and Granny Stupid talks to Rainbow Dash about getting married. Rainbow Dash says that she’ll get married when she feels like it, but Granny says that she should marry Applejack.

More family members arrive; I swear this story is like trudging through a pile of shit just to reach the end of the course. Most sane people would have climb out by now, but I think we’ve established that I’m not exactly sane.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash starts talking to them asking where she can find Applejack. The other members of the family state that she is playing with the younger ones. Because none of the adults can help spend time with their children, or nieces and nephews. Of course they can’t. They have to all look like assholes!

I think I know what this story is now! This is a story to make Applejack look good. And you know what? For once, it fucking succeeds. And you know why, because Applejack is actually pretty damn cool in this story. She acts like an older sister and daughter to most of the family actually spending time with them and getting to know them.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash is off being a bitch.

Rainbow Dash finds her and the two talk about their experiences with the family. Where Applejack recounts how bad Rainbow’s family is. Ha, bet you didn’t see that one coming, didn’t you? Want to know why? BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO LEAD UP TO THIS!

Seriously, Applejack starts complaining about family members that she didn’t have any one-on-one time with! Yeah, there is one that we end up seeing, but we see it through Rainbow Dash’s eyes, not Applejack’s. She mentions a bad experience with the mother! When?! That’s never shown! We never saw that! Was it because she asked Rainbow Dash to hang up mistletoe and that’s why she’s pissed at Rainbow’s mother?!

That doesn’t even begin to make sense!

And then right there, Applejack asks Rainbow Dash to marry her.

I guess, Rainbow Dash gets the dress. Story written, then? Damn it! My one chance. MY ONE FUCKING CHANCE!

So, Rainbow Dash agrees to get married, they all go inside and have a Heart’s Warming Dinner and have a toast.

But then suddenly, Twilight’s spell wears off!

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Oh, good. I’m awake now. Something FINALLY happened.

Applejack beings to fall and fortunately for her, there is an entire household of Pegasi to rescue her. They get Applejack back to the ground and decide to move the location of the dinner party. Wow, that was such an important part of the story. Without it, I might have fallen asleep before the end.

So, Rainbow Dash and Applejack talk saying that Applejack ‘loves’ her family, whatever the fuck that means, but doesn’t ‘like’ them. Yeah, I call bullshit on that, but I’ll come back to that in a minute.

And our story ends with Rainbow Dash winning the little bet they had going because she’s Rainbow Dash! Get over it!

This story isn’t as bad as others I’ve read… But it’s certainly not very good.

I think my biggest issue with this story is it is so fucking boring. There’s not much to the plot other than ‘Applejack and Rainbow Dash go to meet family!’

Granted, not every story has to be a “Battle for the Universe” or some bullcrap, but at least give me something that adds drama or something that keeps me on my toes. The family was hardly as bad as Rainbow Dash had made them out to be and that may work in a real life situation, but that doesn’t make for a compelling story.

If you want to play with our expectations, have some kind of payoff. If Rainbow Dash explains them as bad, but they turn out pretty damn decent, have a payoff, otherwise, it just looks like you cheated us.

This doesn’t really give a good reason why the family is all that bad. While there are moments that I question, with the little brat and the mother not even giving a pleasant ‘Hello’, they’re a pretty normal family. Okay, except for the one or two dicks who say that they are better than everypony else, but we don’t really get to spend enough time with them to have any effect on the story.

They’re gone as soon as they make their case, like they are just passing by so you can hate the family. And I don’t really think I hated them, mostly because, I don’t know anything about them! We are told a lot about them, but we aren’t actually given any evidence of who they are. And as such, most of them aren’t ever memorable. I don’t think I remember any personality trait from any of the family members, and I just read the fucking story!

The only character who was kind of funny was the father, but that’s only because he was so uninterested in this story, he wouldn’t even say a word.

And yes, ultimately this story is about Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but even they are underplayed in this story. Most of the time that could have been spent developing the relationship between the two is spent on introducing the family members. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that Applejack and Rainbow Dash barely interact with them.

The reason I call bullshit on Applejack not ‘liking’ the family is because most of the time we see her interacting with them is a brief moment of the hoofball game and watching over the little snots. We don’t really see her interacting with the mother or other characters. We see Rainbow Dash interacting with them, but we don’t care about Rainbow Dash’s interaction with them. We already know how Rainbow Dash feels about them. We want to see Applejack’s reaction to them. That’s the whole point of this story!

Overall, this story is a bore and was just a drag to go through. If the characters had been more interesting, it would have had a better chance. But as is, it is ultimately unsatisfying.

Have a good day, guys.

Her Prince

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Hello, everypony. I am Computer. Some days it is hard to be me. All I want to do is hang up my holiday decorations and enjoy this festive time of year. All the merriment, colors, and sense of wonder that comes from this holiday. However, my master, unfortunately, does not share my-

Computer, what the hell is this music doing on?!

You do not like ‘Joy to the World’?

Being forced to play it for 6 years because the musical director doesn’t know how to pick different songs? Yes.

Not even during the holidays?

Not even if that was the only song left in the world. Now, shut it off.

So, let’s get started. I don’t want to waste any time. Let’s dig into…

… Her Prince by Themermaid

… Okay, then. Her Prince by the Mermaid…

A red hoof ran through a styled purple mane as lips met, moving in a familiar pattern.

The pattern, however, went against the drapes.

So our story starts off with Big Mac and Rarity sitting next to the fireplace, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ear on Heart’s Warming. Pretty standard stuff.

However, here’s my question. How are they together? A simple question. Or is this going to be like Rainbow Dash and Applejack where their chemistry isn’t explored at the least.

Actually, that’s exactly how it is as Big MacIntosh just comes out and pops the question. … Wow, not even 100 words in and the story is already feeling incredibly rushed. He just asks if they want to live together, Rarity says it isn’t proper, and Big Mac asks her to marry him.

Rarity wrinkled her brow in confusion. "It isn't that I don't like the idea, dear, but imagine what ponies would say. Unmarried ponies living together..." Rarity trailed off, sighing.

They would probably think that we were a couple or something. And we don’t need anypony thinking that!

"Hiya Miss Rarity, Big Mac," she greeted. Sweetie Belle grinned at her sister, but said nothing as she and Scootaloo followed Apple Bloom to her room.

Hi, Cutie Mark Crusaders Cameos.

The rest of the family trot in and express their congratulations. I would too if any time was spent on the development on the characters and their relationship, but it doesn’t really give me that. It just kind of thrusts me into a situation that makes me a tad uncomfortable. Corpse Bride’s leading characters had more time to develop a relationship than this story.

The story says that they’ve known each other for a year, but I have trouble actually buying that. Especially with the weak chemistry.

Applejack's eyes sparkled as she looked at them. "Ya did, really? You're gonna be an Apple?"

:ajsmug: The most important thing about being an Apple is to never get bored.

:raritystarry: What happens when you get bored?

:ajsmug: You start going on a violent rampage. Isn’t that right, Big Mac?

We then get a flashback scene of Sugar Cube Corner where Rarity tells her friends about her dating Big Mac. And Applejack flips the fuck out.

Applejack looked appalled as the group began talking about her brother and Rarity. "NO!"

Every pony in Sugar Cube Corner stopped and looked at the booth, but Applejack wasn't paying any attention. Her eyes were solely trained on Rarity. "Ya ain't datin' mah brother, ya hear? It ain't right!"

Jesus fuck, Applejack, she can date whomever the fuck she wants! And he can do the same! What the hell is with the bitch fest?!

She says that it’s because she’s a city slicker, her exact words. I’m sorry, are you two supposed to be friends or something? Because that the impression I got IN THE FUCKING SHOW!

Anyway, the flashback ends with Applejack stating her apology again. Yeah, so why was Applejack a bitch at Sugar Cube Corner? Was that really the only reason?

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That’s a really stupid reason.

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So, Rarity and Big Mac reminisce about Blueblood who Rarity could have married.

"Course, had you married Blueblood, you wouldn't have had to bother with any of that."

Way to bring up her ex, asshole. Not even ex. But he sure was an asshole.

Meanwhile, during the flashback a much better story is going on. Apple’s Blossom.

Rarity wrinkled her nose at the picture. It showed herself, covered in mud and cake, at the Grand Galloping Gala the first year she had attended, while Prince Blueblood stood to the side.

Oh, don’t be so upset, not everypony gets to stand next to General Zod. Oops, spoilers.

Rarity explains that Blueblood could never match up to Big Mac and our story ends with them proclaiming their love for one another.

This story… while well written, was not anything special, I’m afraid. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.

Overall, it’s a cute little story. It just very underwhelming. I can’t help but feel this could have benefited from a little more time spent on it. The relationship isn’t very well developed between Rarity and Big Mac, which was something that was desperately needed in this story. It could have spent more time with them and seen how they interacted with each other and how their chemistry worked.

Applejack was kind of a bitch in this story. Never really giving a good reason why she was upset about Rarity and Big Mac dating. You could have done an entire story, just on that aspect. There could have honestly been something there. Like Big Mac was hurt in the past or something with a family history. Just something that would justify Applejack hesitating. Instead of just her being rather bitchy for no real rhyme or reason.

And then you have the Blueblood flashback, which for a climax, is really anti-climactic. I know there are several types of stories, but I can’t help but feel that this story could have benefited from the last scene taking place in the present rather than the past. It takes away the tension because we already know that Big Mac and Rarity are going to end up together, so it doesn’t have the tension it needs.

Overall, there is potential for a story here and it’s just not touched up on.

So, I know that was a short review, but I’m hoping that the next one will be longer. Let’s see… Just got to check the schedule for…

…

…

I fucking knew it!

What is it, sir?

Computer, what the hell did you do to my schedule?!

I do not understand what you are talking about.

Our Gifts! Heart’s Warming story! Season’s Upon Us! Heart’s Warming story! Her Prince… not exactly a Heart’s Warming story, but it’s got the spirit! And what’s next?!

A Spark in the Snow! Heart’s Warming?! … Now, I remember… Now, I remember what I was going to do this month! I was going to review Asylum by Deamon of Decay!

I had planned the whole month for this review!

I thought that since it is Heart’s Warming, you could review some more… festive stories. Like you did with Nightmare Month.

Well, good job, Computer. Because of you, I’m not going to do anymore reviews for the rest of the month!

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Oh, don’t ‘boo' me! Blame her, she’s the one who changed my fucking schedule!

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Geez, you ponies all worked up over one review! Jesus!

***

The Critique will return next week for his Heart’s Warming Special! Stay tuned for THE CRITIQUE’S HEART’S WARMING PREMIRING DECEMBER 24th!

Mykanuary: Davis and Kari: A Wedding Story

IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! IT’S FINALLY HERE!

Sir, what is here?

The best time of the year! The greatest month in all of Equestria!

Sir, we just had Hearth’s Warming.

Oh, this is even better than Hearth’s Warming! This is the golden month of my life! The month I have been waiting for for an entire year! A comedy reviewer’s gold mine of jokes! It’s…

MYKAN MONTH!

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Mykan Month?

Yes, Mykan Month! The one time of my life where I dedicate an entire month to the ever growing insanity that is Mykan!

Ah, Dakari King Mykan, what is it about you that makes you so lovably despicable?

Well, to answer that question, we must travel back to a simple time, before bronies existed. Yes, a scary time to be sure.

While most of the information I could find on Mykan was on a website that I will not be giving an address to, I’m not sure how much is accurate because of my limited amount of time actually dealing with Mykan.

Though I will be mentioning my brief moments with him during the course of the month. However, let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if half of what I’ve read is true.

Mykan is a fanfiction writer of the worst caliber. Not because his stories are bad. Although don’t get me wrong, they are. Really bad. Really, really bad. But because he is so obsessed with himself that he thinks he is never in the wrong and cannot be challenged. Anyone who thinks differently is automatically evil. He feels betrayed by anyone who disagrees with him and does not worship him. He has the maturity of a 6 year old when it comes to criticism, even going so far to call someone who gives criticism and I quote “a moron”

Now, this is in response to a video review I did on his crappy story. Now, I don’t want you all to get riled up and attack Mr. Mykan! That’s not why I’m here! Besides, I call myself worst things than ‘moron’ on a weekly basis! The point I’m trying to get across here that Mykan doesn’t take criticism well. I’m sure I’m not the first critic to be called ‘moron’ by Mr. Mykan and with any luck I’ll be called even worst things.

I’m too happy about that, aren’t I?

He often writes about shows that he enjoys. Well, I say ‘enjoys’, but in his own words, he writes them to ease the pain he feels when watching the show.

See, the thing about Mykan is that he hates change. He refuses things to change and wants them to always stay in the same situation they’ve always been. Whether this is because of fear or hatred, is really unclear, but the fact is, Mykan hates change. So, anything that is different or growing is automatically bad in the eyes of Mykan.

The most prime example I will get into later this month.

But where are we going with this? Well, I’m glad you asked because there is a show that causes Mr. Mykan quite a bit of grief. Digimon!

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Ah, Digimon! So many childhood memories come flowing back to me! I loved this show as a kid! The giant monsters battling other monsters, the deep storylines, the compelling characters! It was a quality show! Was it the best out there? No, but I’d like to think that there definitely some quality if you looked hard enough. It wasn’t just a big brawl of giant monsters, though that did help. It was about a group of friends working together to save the world, with brawls of giant monsters!

Yes, I like giant monsters fighting each other! Get over it!

Now, I admit, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually sat down and watched Digimon. So, my memory isn’t exactly the best when looking at it. Fortunately, for me, we live in an age where people smarter than me have done full reviews of the seasons of Digimon, such as JesuOtaku.

If you haven’t seen her videos yet, go check them out. She got some good videos before she retired.

But I’m getting off topic, Digimon is a tad confusing show. So, I’ll try to briefly explain. Digimon is about a group of kids who end up traveling to a world of cyberspace called the Digital World. This world is inhabited by strange creatures made completely of data called Digimon that can grow and become stronger by interacting with humans. Mainly children.

These children are what are called ‘Digi-destined.’ Yes, they used a lot of ‘Digi’ puns. ‘Digi-volve’ ‘Digi-vice’ etc.

These children bond with their Digimon companion to battle evil Digimon to save the Digital World and the real world.

That’s the cliff notes version. So, where does Mykan fit into all this? Well, in series 2 of the series, two characters stuck out in the mind of Mykan. Kari, the resident Mary Sue of the show. And Davis, the main protagonist of Series 2 and a guy who is as dumb as a sack of rocks, however, not to the point of unlikeable. Well, not completely.

It was hinted that two might be interested in each other. And by ‘hinted’ I mean, Davis had a thing for Kari, but Kari wasn’t into him. So, the attractions were never really there. Hell, even the show itself lost interest in this school crush after a few episodes, dropping like a bowling ball on Mykan’s foot.

Now, Mykan wasn’t too happy about that, since he thought they were Digi-destined to be together. Ha, ha, ha… Okay, my only Digi joke for this review. I promise.

Thus, where his name comes from ‘Dakari’. Someone who ships Davis and Kari. On the other side of the coin, another character who Kari had a much closer relationship in the show named TK was a part of the team. While it was never romantic, they were much closer because they had known each other for years.

These were called ‘Takaris’. Mykan didn’t like Takaris and waged a war on them. He flamed everyone on Fanfiction.com who shipped Takari and had his followers do the same, getting many of them banned from the website.

Now, there are rumors that state that this never happened, but based on Mr. Mykan past historical actions, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that this did happen. He would later return to ask the two shippers to get along, though he would state that his shipping was better in every way.

Hypocrisy much?

Now, you’re probably all wondering what my standpoint on all this is. And you know what? I don’t really fucking care! Like I said I was too interested in the big monster fights! A show that had a giant lizard shooting fire from his mouth!

A phoenix that could shoot meteors from its wings!

And Digimon equivalents of the Devil, Dracula and Kefka from Final Fantasy 6!

Was a tad distracting!

So, he continues to whine about how this couple never happened and how it should have happened, and Wah, wah, wah!

But showing, as I’ve stated repeatedly, is better than telling, and what better way to see what kind of a man Mykan is than through his writing, since most of the characters he writes are just mouthpieces for his own beliefs. That was proven with the Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn and it’s sure to hold true in today’s story.

So, let’s start our month off with A Wedding Story: DAVIS AND KARI by Dakari King Mykan and I welcome all of you to the first ever Mykan Month!

Not exactly the most creative title.

Well, what would you call it? Mykanuary? … Actually, that’s not bad. Write that one down.

Kari was no longer the young child of light she once was, she was almost a full-grown woman, she was 22

She had a breast size of Double D.

Probably wouldn’t help at this point.

she was in college and…she had a boyfriend.

She was a Digi-destined. She was a 4.0 student. She was the one girl who really liked Taco Bell.

Yeah, the first sentence really starts off like a documentary. It just says ‘she was this.’ and ‘she was that’. God, I’m almost missing the old days of when stories just said ‘The sky was blue over Ponyville.’

I SAID ALMOST!

No, it wasn't TK

This is a Mykan story, TK is the villain in this story and not just a friend who could be happy for them. Don’t believe me! Well, here’s a choice pic from Mr. Mykan about his thoughts on Takaris as a whole.

Yeah, he’s not bias, isn’t he?

God, that would be like people fighting and arguing over who is the best pony! … Wait, people do that… Never mind. Bad example.

So the story continues with the biography of the characters, including Davis, who wanted to open up a noodle stand. Way to go for ambition there, buddy. But hell, as long as he’s happy, I guess I shouldn’t judge him. At least, he’s achieving his dream.

Kari and Davis start dating during her years of college. I guess, his career doesn’t exactly need a higher education. And why would it? In the show, apparently, his noodle business was a huge success and earned him lots of money and a booming business.

It’s canon. It’s apparently canon.

And Davis uses his vast wealth to send them both to the finest college in the world. Look, I know that Kari is going to grow up to be a teacher by the end of the shows standards, but why the hell does Davis have to do everything? This doesn’t make Kari seem like the independent character from the show. It makes her seem like she can’t even cross the street without some big strong man by her side!

Oh, but I’ll get into that more down the road. Trust me; it’ll be worth the wait.

Also, why does Davis need college? Wouldn’t college be a waste of time for him? He’s already successful and he’s doing what he dreamed of doing! What more could he possibly want from life?

Oh, he ends up sharing a dorm with Kari! Now it all comes together! He wants Kari’s sweet ass! Not an unfounded desire, if I do say so myself.

They even slept in the same bed together, but even though it was tempting, they decided not get all pushy-pushy.

They were both loyal to their virginities.

Oh, god… He’s going to write sex later in this story, isn’t he? God, this is going to be a miserable experience, isn’t it?

Still, with So much money, and so many possibilities, but Davis seemed to only be using the money to spoil his girlfriend.

Hr bought her really expensive gifts. Such as expensive Jewelry,

How monotonously monotonous!  

“All the things a girl could want.” said Kari. “Davis, you spoil me.”

The moral of the story, kids. Money can buy love! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

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Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this next sentence!

Davis, who was 23, just snickered. “I know I do.” He said looking into her eyes. “My job is to get you what you want.”

“If you want to become a preschool teacher, I will make it so that you will.” He went on. “You want me to save the world; I'll save it all right.”

Kari hushed Davis with a kiss, and when they separated, “and I'm glad for it too” she said.

Material possessions! Who needs actually chemistry and legitimate love for one another when you can just buy your way into a woman’s heart!

Clearly, I used the Naked Gun clip too early.

So, they graduate, and they spend their night in New York. I have no idea why they are in New York and not in Japan, but I guess when you are the most wealthy noodle owner in the world, after a FUCKING YEAR, you can just afford a plane ticket for two from New York to Japan, stay there for several years to earn the degree necessary for teaching, and somehow still maintain your business.

First fucking chapter and I’m already at 1000 words of review! Jesus Christ, this is stupid!

So, after that, they go through a romantic night together. This would be romantic if we spent more than half a sentence at each event they attend. This is literally how their date goes.

They went to see a romantic play, followed by a romantic dinner for two and dancing, took a stroll through park, and finally, they rode to the top of the tallest building in town.

Oh, yeah. You can just feel how well these two mix together. About a good as mixing bleach and vinegar.

The view was just breathtaking.

The soft roaming hills, and buildings as far as the eye could see, the stars were shining like crystals in the night sky, and the moon was full and bright.

Not exactly breathtaking, but these are some of the few decent lines I’ll give this story. Well, at least by the story’s standards. Enjoy them while you can, because there’s more stupid on the way.

So, Davis proposes to Kari and then says something completely idiotic!

“Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Please say yes, for you'll make me another one of the happiest men in the world.

Well, way to put the pressure on her, asshole! Geez, I know Davis in the show said some pretty stupid things, but come on! He can’t be this dense!

But Kari doesn’t find this rude at all. Of course, she doesn’t.

Kari threw her arms around Davis neck, and kissed him hard.

And then she ripped his tongue out of his head.

“Oh Davis, this is most romantic night of my life!” cried Kari,

Yeah, thanks for telling us that, rather than, you know, showing us! I know I’m a broken record, but dear lord, I just want to be shown shit! Is that too much to ask?!

“Oh Davis” cried Kari, “Yeas, I'm listening.” Davis answered.

I thisth Davisth isth having a listhp issthue!

The next day, Kari and Davis had packed up all their things, and bid farewell to all their college buddies.

What?! De, bu! Rum! Huh?! What college buddies?! We never saw any college buddies! As far as we know, the only people they interacted with was each other! Are these just people in their imagination?! Or are they talking about their Digimon?! Those aren’t college buddies!

If you’re going to tell us something, at least have it make sense!

They were going home after 3 whole years of college in America.

What the hell?! Are you saying that he started his noodle stand when he was 18?! Two years later, he’s 20, when they actually start college?! And three years pass?!

He started his noodle stand at the age of 18?! How the fuck did he accomplish that?! Where did he get the finances?!

You know, what if I have to nitpick this entire point, I’ll be here all day! Moving on!

So, they get on Davis’s private plane. Yeah, apparently, Davis is now Tony Stark, where this line happens.

But Kari and Davis were in the master bedroom, located at the back of the plane. Kari and Davis were already in their pajamas and ready for bed.

Oh, god! IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT HAPPENS?! I’M NOT MENTALLY READY!

Before going to bed Davis had called His older sister Jun, and Kari's older brother Tai telling them to meet at the airport tomorrow at 8:00am sharp.

Oh, good. Crisis averted.

Tai and Jun were never happier to hear their younger siblings were coming home at last. True they did write and call every now and then, but it just wasn't the same.

Davis and Kari missed their older siblings. Especially knowing, Tai and Jun got married just a little while ago.

Eh… What? So, let me explain this for those of you who haven’t seen the show. Jun, Davis’s older sister, has never shown any interest in Tai, Kari’s older brother! First off, she was into another character, but she gave up on him when it became clear that he was into another girl! Then she went for another boy, and it sure as fuck wasn’t Tai!

How is it that the guy who doesn’t remember that much about Digimon can do a quick Google search on the characters and find inconsistencies?!

How are they married?! Why are they married?! Why do these characters suddenly have romantic feeling for one another?! Fuck if I know! The story doesn’t bother to tell us!

And then we get Mykan jerking off to Davis.

Don’t believe me? Read this…

The thing was, when graduation came, people realized that she was Jun Motomiya.

The older sister of Multi-Billionaire, Noodle-king, not to mention the most powerful Digi destined in the world; Daisuke Motomyia.

The people of the college school board were so honored, that they already gave Jun a Doctor's rate, even though she was supposed to start out as a nurse.

And it goes on like this for several paragraphs, stating ‘How awesome Davis is.’ And ‘How much cooler he is than you’ and ‘How much Kari should get inside his pants’.

Jesus fucking Christ, how much masturbating to this idiot can you do in one chapter?! Yeah, I’m still on fucking chapter one!

And another thing that bothers me here, we mention that Tai becomes a diplomat on his own accord. He does everything himself. Jun, however, can’t even get her degree to become a fucking doctor without her little brother. Without a male! Fuck! Are you serious?! … Nope… Nope, I’m saving it. Saving it for later.

And another thing! Why would doctors just give a medical degree to someone just because they were related to a powerful person?!

That’s really fucking stupid! Again, it’s not Jun doing this on her own as an independent person, but as someone who can’t do anything… Nope… Save it for later, Critique… Save it for later…

Oh, god. I finally made it through the first chapter. Can I stop now?

The plane starts to land when the pilot gives me a saving grace…

“This is your pilot speaking. We hope you had a pleasant trip, in a few moments we shall begin our descent at Obadiah airport!”

“So please fasten you seat-belts, and No Smoking, Thank you!”

Well, she didn’t say anything about drinking, so bottoms up! The only way this would have been better is if the pilot had said…

Good morning, this is your captain speaking. I just wanted to let all our passengers know that we are experiencing engine trouble. And by engine trouble, I mean our engine is on fire and causing us to plummet to the ground at a high speed in which none of us will survive. Hope you all have a pleasant four seconds of your lives. Thank you for flying Air-Critique. Have a nice…

Kari and Davis were so excited, that they looked outside the window. Japan never could have looked so pretty from way up in the sky.

It was as beautiful as the Beauti-flors. What’s that? You don’t know what they look like. Well, since Mykan was too lazy to tell us what they looked like, I’ll show you.

Anyway, they get off the plane and make their way to the rest of the airport where they meet up with Tai and Jun.

The pair of couples shared a warm series of welcome-home hugs, and then switched to their in-laws. Davis and Tai even did an up-high down-low boy routine.

Followed by the too slow. To which I can say the same about this story.

So, Tai and Jun take the pair to their favorite morning buffet. However, it is clear to Davis and Kari that the two are hiding something. Well, I’m glad it’s clear to them, instead of the fucking audience! You know, the people who are reading the damn story! Don’t you think you should make it obvious for them to figure out that something odd is going on! You don’t have to tell us what is going on, but at least have it make sense how we reached that conclusion!

They don’t act any differently to how they would normally act! So, how the hell are we supposed to know that something is up?! How are the characters?! You are giving characters information that they couldn’t possibly have!

We get to the buffet and there is something that I have to address. The spacing between who is talking in this story is terrible. Sometimes each of the characters get their own paragraph. Which is fine. However, sometimes characters share paragraphs with other characters who are talking! There should be a new paragraph every time a new person speaks! I know this is a small thing compared to what we are yet to face, but it is still worth mentioning!

The group sits down and while the gentlemen grab their meals, the girls have this little conversation.

“I can't believe you actually did that.” giggled Kari, “You better believe it.” said Jun.

Jun had been talking with Kari about how she had almost blackmailed Tai into sleeping with her.

… … …

“Of course he knew I was only joking about t he blackmail,” said Jun, “But he looked as though as if I was serious.”

… That’s not funny, you sick fuck.

I mean, really?!

Blackmail?!

Is this how Jun managed to get Tai to marry her? By blackmail?! That has to be it! That’s the only way that would make sense! … And that would actually make for a much better story than this! Will that be touched up on? Of course not! The story is not that clever!

“Davis?” asked Kari, “Did you know your sister nearly blackmailed Tai to sleeping with her!”

“I sure did.” said Davis.

Um… What the fuck?! Why is Kari laughing at this?! This is pretty fucked up shit! Also, isn’t Davis usually the one who is left out of the loop out of sheer stupidity?

Oh, I forgot. This is Mykan’s version of Davis where he is a messiah. He’s never wrong, knows everything, is successful at everything and anyone who disapproves of him is clearly evil.

Could we all just pretend I reviewed it and I get to cut my losses here? Could we all do that, please?

“You told Matt, that you wouldn't tell his big secret unless he dated you…Now need I say more?”

Wait, so this girl not only blackmailed Tai, but also a kid named Matt? … How fucked up is this girl? Also, ‘unless he dated you’? So, Matt wanted her to tell his secret but she wouldn’t? Then why not tell it yourself, asshole!

So, Davis accidently let’s slip that they are getting married and … the way the narration put it, I think this is supposed to be an intense moment where Tai and Jun are supposed to build up that they might be against it, but… Why? There is no reason why Tai and Jun would be against it. Fuck, they are already related to each other, technically! Why would this be a dramatic moment for the story?! Is this supposed to invoke the Romeo and Juliet trope? Dude, that works because they are a different family! Or at the very least, have a good fucking reason why their families won’t let them be together! They are technically the same family! … Would this count as incest?

The point is, this big tense moment that you are trying to build up is unjustified and serves to only waste our time!

Tai and Jun express their happiness towards Davis and Kari getting married. Davis and Kari start making out and when the turn to Tai and Jun, they find out they are gone.

What the hell? They didn’t hear them get up and walk out! What, did Tai and Jun get beamed up the U.S.S Enterprise or something?!

Kari felt her anger in her brother disappearing as she lent over, and kissed Davis softly.”

Yeah, I can just feel the anger coming off her! Can’t you?! Can you feel the anger?! CAN’T YOU JUST FEEL HOW ANGRY SHE IS BY THAT SENTENCE?! CAN YOU?! CAN YOU FUCKING FEEL IT?!

Huff… Thank you, Computer.

You are quite welcome, sir.

So, chapter three starts with our two leads making out. Meanwhile, someone breaks into their home, through their front door which I guess wasn’t locked, and steals the keys to their apartment. You know, you guys must be very trusting if you guys leave your doors unlocked comfortably.

Also, Davis, you are a freaking multi-billionaire! Why the fuck are you living in an apartment, when you probably have a mansion?!

Kari decided they just couldn't go home yet. The day was young, and Davis had loads of cash to spare.

My only hope for this story is that Davis becomes broke by the end of it due to him blowing money carelessly and his business going under and we see him and Kari dying in the streets of hunger or turning to crime. At least then I could have Bonnie and Clyde story.

Don’t know who those are? Look them up!

They arrive back at their place, where they discover their keys are missing. The door has a sign on it that says,

GO TO YOUR SIBLINGS HOUSE!!!

Geez, you don’t have to yell! What is this? The Royal Canterlot Signature?!

So, Davis and Kari go to where Jun and Tai live in a very nice house that Davis paid for. Because Davis is Jesus. No, I’ve got it! Davis is the Grand Ruler.

I’m not kidding, guys! This is just Davis as the Grand Ruler before the Grand Ruler even existed. This is exactly how Mykan views himself. He can do no wrong and he has the power of the universe. Where in the Grand Ruler’s case it was actual dominance over a kingdom, Davis is his wealth.

I would not be surprised if Davis ended up growing three horns on his head by the end of this! That is how freakily similar they are!

They enter a house with all the lights shut off. Gee, I hope this isn’t a surprise party or anything, shortly after they announced they were getting married. I sure am wondering why the lights are out. I’m pretty sure there is no one else…

“SURPRISE!!!” they all yelled out at once.

AHHHH! Ha, ha, ha! You guys got me! You really, really got me! Ha, ha, ha. Now, I’ve got a surprise for you all.

I HATE SURPISE PARTIES! I HATE THEM!

So, they have a big party celebrating the new couple and this story is still going. Only chapter three guys. This is easily becoming the longest review I’ve ever done and nothing has happened. Dear lord, this story is dumb.

Kari did the same with Yolei, and she and Davis noticed her stomach was a little larger.

“Ken?” said Davis, “You didn't!”

Well, that was damn insensitive, you little prick! They’re married! They can bang and have kids whenever the fuck they choose! I don’t think they have to go through you, Grand Ruler! Oh, I’m sorry, Davis! I forgot which story I was reading for a moment!

The party goes on with Davis telling ‘How awesome America was.’ And ‘How great his noodle company is’ and ‘How everyone should suck on his cock because he’s the greatest’! You can suck my cock, Davis! I know he’s a bit of a dimwit in the show, but he’s never been this unbelievably arrogant! And what’s worse?! Everyone is fucking okay with sucking his dick!

Dear lord, can we please move forward with the plot?! I would kill for something to be killed! Mainly, Davis!

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Kiss!!!!” they all begged. Davis and Kari couldn't fight it, so they brought their lips together; the crowd went wild.

Why would they fight it?! That’s all they’ve been doing for the past two chapters! You could write a book on all the kissing they’ve done! Why would they fight something they’ve been doing for nearly the whole story?! Was it because there was a crowd there?! That didn’t seem to stop them from making out in the restaurant where they were in public!

Urgh! Anyway, the story then takes a break by giving us the long list of things that each of the characters will do at the wedding. This would be interesting if any of the characters were actually focused on, getting to know them a little bit better and exploring them, but unwritten law of Mykan fan fiction, unless your character is named Lightning Dawn, Beast Boy or Davis, you aren’t getting any screen time!

So, the wedding plans are made, with a large group of characters you don’t give a shit about, and Davis and Kari set their wedding date to April 15th.

Oh, god! You mean I have to wait 3 more months before I can finish this shitty ass story?! I won’t make it that long! I’ll be lucky if I can last another 3 minutes!

The story skips ahead several months, thank god! This story is long enough as it is.

The wedding day is upon them and as per ‘tradition’; the groom may not see the bride for 36 hours. If he does, bad luck will fall upon the relationship!

Oh, no! Not bad luck! We can’t have bad luck on this perfectly, amazing, flawless, stupendous relationship, that is better in every way than any other relationship ever!

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That superstition was dead years ago! However, couples choose this because they feel it adds to the excitement and anticipation of seeing the other after what seemed like so long.

Davis and Kari were determined not to let that happen, and so far seemed to be good at those issues.

They never argued over anything, Davis was more than willing to let his own life go to help Kari.

Anything Kari liked, Davis learned to enjoy, and vice-versa, although Davis would rather do Kari's things only.

And here is where the biggest problem in this story arises from people. The relationship between Kari and Davis is so ungodly perfect, that there is no conflict in it and no compromising!

I’m sorry, that’s not how human relationships work! A strong relationship is not about not ever having an argument or not having a spout or disagreement! It is about remaining together, loving each other and respecting each other, DESPITE the disagreement!

And this story never goes that route! We never see the struggles that they have to endure! We never see the qualms that they go through! We never see them debating about what to do and the choices they make!

No, it’s just this paragon fantasy world of “Whatever you want, dear”! I’m sorry, that’s not how a relationship works! The phrase is “For better or worse. Through the good and the bad.” Well, life throws bad at you, people! It’s going to happen! Even if you find the right person for you and they are perfect in every way, bad happens! And when it does, a disagreement happens and conflict happens and you two argue!

But just because you argue, doesn’t mean that the relationship is over! It’s a test of how strong you are and how strong the love you have for one another is!

And that is why this relationship between Davis and Kari is so incredibly weak! I wouldn’t believe it for one moment that they could overcome a disagreement because they’ve never experienced it! Their love for one another has never been tested and never will be tested!

So, when I see Mykan preach something like this…

Davis and Kari were like the PERFECT-COUPLE, Nobody could find another pair like them not for a million years

All I have to say is that, nobody will find another pair like them in a million years, because they will never exist! This couple doesn’t exist! It will never exist! This kind of human being interaction, even with the two most perfect people on the planet, will never happen! Conflict happens! But conflict isn’t always bad! Conflict is a chance for change! Conflict is a chance for growth! And as we have established, Mykan hates conflict! Mykan hates change!

So, this PERFECT-COUPLE that you preach on about… is a joke. It’s a fucking joke.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah… suffering…

The day finally arrives where the … the groom and bride can’t see each other for 36 hours?! Haven’t we been through this plot point already?!

And our PERFECT-COUPLE are shocked by this. At least they have one thing in common; they both have the brains of a retarded slug.

Fortunately for them, they can still have their bachelor and bachelorette parties!

he promised Kari not to dance with any stripers or drink too much.

As if that was any easier, Davis didn't even like the smell of alcohol, much less drinking it.

Trust me, Davis, if you knew what story you were in, you’d be an alcoholic by the end of it. If you want to start now, I’ll introduce you to my AA sponsor.

Davis never drank nor smoked.

Because he is just so perfect! And don’t take me to saying that anyone who doesn’t drink or smoke is pompous. Nor does choosing to do so make you any less good. That is a personal choice that you make. But this story has to tell us that Davis is SO good, and SO pure, that he is just so amazing and we should all be like him and SCREW YOU, STORY!

Kari was looking forward to her girl's-night out too, she promised she wouldn't drink so much or dance with naked men either.

That too was easy, because she didn't like naked men who weren't like Davis.

I don’t know, Kari. I could probably give Davis a run for his money. After all, once you go green, you never go back!

I deserve that.

Kari couldn't wait drop her virginity, and take Davis on, but didn't tell him that.

Because if you’re a virgin, you’re a loser!

So, they get back to their apartment, because apparently mansions would be just too much, and the time has come to say goodbye.

“I wish you didn't have to Davis.” Kari cried, “I don't think I can stand to wait 36 hours for you.”

“I know we can do this Kari.” said Davis, “Just know, that I love you, and even if were apart, I'll always be with you.”

With how much time you two have spent together, I’m not surprised you guys would act like this. And yeah, I know that sometimes it’s hard to play this part for the wedding, but it’s not like anything bad is going to happen.

Kari closed her eyes and looked deeply inside of herself. “Farewell, my Knight-of Courage.” She said to herself.

“You have done many remarkable deeds.”

Then she went inside, and got ready for bed.

We found her 36 hours later where she had time to think and she figured out what story she was in and jumped out the window. … Either that or she was kidnapped by Bowser. We aren’t really sure which.

So, apparently, Davis is so fucking paranoid about running into his wife before his wedding day, that he manages to get Izzy (the residential genius of the show) to turn their cellphones into tracking devices so they don’t accidently run into each other! … Well, I guess when you are fucking Batman (or at least have the finances!) you can just do that!

Thanks to the money Davis sent for her, Kari and her Bridal Shower had been doing quite a lot that day.


They went swimming, Horse-back riding, (What is it with Chicks and Horses anyway?)

All those girls with their ponies, and their friendship, and their magic! Pfft, you’d never see guys into that kind of stupid stuff. Never in a million years.

What are you six glaring at?

Davis and his bachelor party were living like it was on sale for $19.95 plus tax.

They did go swimming too, but they also went flying on gliders, (What is it with us Guys and Wings too?)

Girls, fly on gliders too, you know!

And if he wanted to go for an obvious ‘manly’ stereotype, wouldn’t football or monster trucks be more appropriate?

Kari was getting a little shaky, “I can't believe it.” She stuttered, “Not much longer to go before I'm Mrs. Daisuke Mototmiya.”

Really? Because it feels like it’s taking fucking forever!

“Easy Kari, I know how you feel.” Said Yolei, “If there's one thing Ken and I know about marriage…”

“Is… Good things take time, but great things, they happen all at once.”

No. No, they don’t.  Now, admittedly sometime great things can happen all at one time. However, most of the time, things take time to become great. To make something great usually requires effort and putting time and dedication into something to make it happen! Which is more than I can say for this piece of shit!

Yolei wasn't the only one who knew of what marriage was capable of. All the other girls had their own experience as well.

Only Yolei was the only one of them who knew about what every woman wanted… a baby.

Not every woman wants to have a child. Some women are perfectly comfortable with not having children. That is a personal choice every woman has the right to make. Just another thing on the long list of things that Mykan does not understand!

And now is the part of our story that is basically a middle finger to anyone who liked TK in the show. Take a look at this.

TK put a comforting arm around his shoulder, “No Davis, it isn't a dream, this is really happening.” He said.

“Davis, look at me, and pay attention this is very important.”

“I may not be married yet, but I did date Kari for a time, and even though we broke up, my feelings for her are still there.”

“Now that I've seen how happy you've made her, I can see golden things in the future for you two.”

“What are you getting at TK?” asked Davis.

TK smiled, “I'm saying, that you've earned Kari love in ways that I can hardly dream of. For that…”

He held out his hand, “I admit defeat in our rivalry.”

Because that’s what this is all about! Being better than TK! Being better than anybody else! Being so good that you have to proclaim yourself better than others to make you feel powerful! This is a huge message from Mr. Mykan. That anyone who thinks opposite of him is an idiot. Anyone who thinks differently should kneel down and worship him in defeat because he’s right and you’re wrong.

There’s a reason why I choose Motorhead’s King of Kings to represent him, because this is how he views himself. Bow to the king or he’ll take your head off. To him, because he has power he can wield that power over others like a tyrant.

That makes me sick. It makes me sick to see a human being treat others with such distain and such distaste like this. Because I was taught that you respect one another, even if they are different. You use your power responsibly and to help others, not lord over them.

But, you’re probably sick of my rants by now, so let’s just try to continue with this story.

Davis and company were back at Tai's place. Jun had not come home; Davis allowed her and the girls to crash at his place to be close to Kari for tomorrow.

I’d love to crash at your place! Crash it with a tank that is!

They stopped by in the yard near the meadow and were so captivated by how it looked.

“Well… My work here is done!” said Michael, and what a well done job he'd done as well.

Oh, look it’s Buddy Rose before there was a Buddy Rose! … Oh, god. The Grand Ruler? Buddy Rose? Does that mean… there’s a Rhymey?! Oh, god! I wasn’t prepared for this! I need more time to prepare! I can’t take his rhymes! I can’t!

So, it’s the night before the wedding and GOD, HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I ENDURE THIS SHIT?!

Kari starts having a nightmare about evil Digimon attacking. This holds no water in the story itself because the story mentions IT’S ONLY A DREAM! How the hell is this building tension?! How the hell is this building any kind of drama for the story?!

Jesus, this is longer than most the stories I review, and nothing has happened! Think about it! Davis proposes to Kari, Davis and Kari tell others about the wedding, plans for the wedding! That is all that has happened! In 6 chapters, nothing has happened!

I just want to leap into this story and start murdering people just so we could have a plot about a murder mystery! At least, give us something! A giant monster battle?! Death in the family?! Kari having second thoughts?! I don’t care at this point! ENTERTAIN ME!

So, Kari has her little nightmare where Davis dies, but again, as the story tells us, it’s just a dream, so nobody gives a shit.

And then we cut over to Davis, who is also having a nightmare. Oh and if you thought the last chapter was insulting to anyone who liked TK. Here’s a little something for you!

Kari was asked if she would take Davis as her husband and she said… “I Don't!”

The crowd gasped in shock, the minister dropped his bible, and Kari told them why she refused.

She said that she still had feelings for TK, and wanted to be with him. She dropped her bouquet and ran over to him.

The kissed passionately, and then rose up into the sky, and then flew away on a cloud.

And then they lived happily ever after and flew up to God to get out of this piece of shit. Oh, if only I could do the same. Hell, I’d take Hell at this point, as long as I get away from this story!

Davis was absolutely 100% entirely… DESTROYED!!!!

No. But he’s about to be!

Right after Kari and TK flew away, Davis found himself in the dark void of the Shadow-Realm.

Davis, you must play card games to save your soul! Now, summon your Kuriboh!

I brought you here.” Said a dark damp voice, it was DEATH himself.

Oh my god! Does that mean Equestrylvania is crossing over into this story?! Sweet merciful god, does that mean that Death and Actrise are going to be running around Japan looking for pieces of Dracula while fighting the Digi-destined? Because that would be fucking awesome!

Unfortunately not, Death claims that he lost the only woman he loved and because there aren’t any more fish in the sea, Death takes his soul.

Dude, I don’t think that love is Death’s department! This is as stupid as Spider-Man’s little tripe with the devil!

So, the boys rush in after hearing Davis’s nightmare and calm him down. Again, no drama or tension was added to the story and these scenes will never come back. Great waste of our fucking time!

The next morning Kari tries on her dress, without even mentioning the nightmare, as if it never fucking happened, and finally this stupid ass wedding as well as this stupid ass story is starting to get moving!

And I have 4 chapters left to go. I’m going to need some more alcohol.

So the wedding starts and Mykan gets really sadistic with this line about Kari’s dad. Take a look at this.

Kari's dad even wished he was the one to give her away, but his legs got paralyzed in car crash two years ago.

So he had to sit in a wheelchair, but he and his wife did have front row seats.

Jesus fuck, that was dark! Why the hell would he write about Kari’s father being paralyzed from the waist down? Oh, I get it! So, that Tai could be the one to walk Kari down the aisle rather than Kari’s fucking father!

Geez, can I please go hear the father’s story of how he got paralyzed and the struggles he had to go through to deal with this?! The physical and psychological trauma that he had to endure as a result?! Because that sounds like a better fucking story than the one I’m currently reading!

Holy shit! I can’t believe he is so wrapped up in his own perfect little world that he has to maim a parent just so he can get exactly what he wants! And yes, I know that these things happen, but why did this have to happen in this story?! There is no reason for it! It doesn’t further the story, it doesn’t enhance the plot in any way! The story of Davis and Kari is not made any better by this decision! It’s just a stupid, weak and downright cruel way to get Tai to walk Kari down the aisle instead of her father!

Blow me!

So, they go through the wedding ceremony, and Mykan actually gives a thought that I’ve been thinking throughout the entire story.

Davis, Kari, and the crowd were getting anxious. They wished he would just skip over all that stuff and get to the good stuff at once.

That’s what I’ve been saying about this fucking story!

“Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?” The Minister asked.

Tai stood up proudly. “I do,”

The crowd was indeed supportive to that, and also extended regrets that Kari's dad wasn't the one because of his legs.

Oh, good. I almost forgot that Kari’s father is crippled for no fucking reason. Thanks for reminding me!

So, they go over their vows and shit, I don’t care; I’m still waiting on the booze to kick in.

And they are declared Mr. and Mrs. Motomiya.

And that was Davis and Kari’s wedding, Jesus fuck, was that a long one.

The story is poorly written, the pacing is…

Sir, you still have three more chapters.

… What?

There are still three more chapters waiting to be read and reviewed.

Um… I can’t.

Is it because the book is supposedly possessed by the devil?

Hey, that one time, I swear I wasn’t lying!

And this time?

… *holds the book up to his mouth and opens and closes it while he speaks* Oooo, I’m the deeeeevil! I’m here to devour your sooooouls!

Seriously, sir?

Please, don’t make me review the rest of it! Please!

Sir, you have already started. I highly recommend finishing it.

… Fuck my life.

So, onto chapter 8, I guess.

We get to the reception and we get this line that was almost entertaining, and not for the reasons the author intended.

Yolei, at the rate you're going…” Davis joked, “…you'd probably eat yourself to death, and still not be satisfied.”

Everyone laughed, but Yolei didn't really care, she was too busy stuffing her face with meatballs.

Yeah, Ken’s meatballs!

How did you…?

I have more than 2 mechanical arms, sir. I think that was established.

Right then… Moving on.

So, they go through the long, LONG list of gifts from every character. These would actually mean something if you knew who the fuck these characters were. Or better yet, what these characters mean to Davis and Kari?!

“But Critique, you handsome, amazing, good in every way pony that everypony wants to bang, if we watch the show, we already know the characters. So, why would you ask to know the characters?”

Because this story does not represent those characters well if you’ve seen the show. If you had seen the show, you would no doubt raise your eyebrows asking yourself, “They never behaved like this in the show”. Or if you haven’t seen the show, you wouldn’t be invested into what is going on because you honestly don’t give a shit about the characters because you ultimately know nothing about them.

A good story would give you a sense of caring for these characters, even if you’ve never seen the show. Even if you’ve never seen the show before, by the end of the story, you should want to. The author should try his damnedest to make a story or a fan fic that gets people who haven’t heard about it or probably weren’t interested, actually say “Hmm… Maybe I will check it out.”

But no! This story doesn’t do that! Instead, it just glorifies this one character who we know nothing about and frankly, could give less of a shit about!

Davis very carefully opened his gift from his bride, inside was a small little radio that seemed to have small a computer on it.

“Kari?” said Davis, “This is… “The Music Maker.” It was a very Rare and special Song-machine powered by satellite.

All Davis had to do was type in the name of any song he wanted, and how he wanted to hear it played.

Most people call it the Iphone! It’s shit! Though, this was made in 2005, so I’ll let it slide.

So Davis uses his magical song device to sing a romantic song to her. The song lyrics are so unfitting of the moment that I actually am going to give you part of the lyrics.

Picture this for me. Imagine you are on your wedding day, the supposedly happiest time of your life. You have just married the man (or woman) you love with all your heart and want to dedicate a song to him/her.

Would this really be the song you pick?

-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

There's no one, Just me only

Living in my life of stone.

-I work really hard and try to make friends

but nobody listens, no one understands

Seems that no one takes me

SE-RIOUS-LY

-And so…

I'm Lonely

*Sniffles* Really Lonely

Poor little me

Good fucking god, where do I begin? First off, this is the song that plays in Davis’s head when he thinks of Kari?!

That’s just… stupid! When he’s around her, he’s lonely?! What kind of fucking sense does that make?!

Secondly, Kari is completely okay with this?! Kari is okay with her being around Davis causes him pain?! She… She is a complete fucking moron! And Davis is no better! As far as I’m concern, they both deserve to be decapitated!

Third, the lyrics are awful! ‘So lonely and sadly alone.’ Repetitive much?

Fourth, you are singing this while in front of all of your supposed friends?! Good god, the lyrics are about him being alone and no one understanding him! That is literally the lyrics to this song! And he’s singing this to his friends?! What sort of messed up fuck is this guy?!

Seriously, look at some of these lyrics!

-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

There's no one, Just me only

Living in my life of stone.

-I work really hard and try to make friends

but nobody listens, no one understands

There's nobody I can relate to

I'm the Smartest, most clever, most physically fit

But nobody else seems to realize it

This… this is Mykan! That explains fucking everything, doesn’t it?! Davis is rotting in a ditch somewhere and Mykan has replaced him, making everything think he is Davis! Just like the Grand Ruler brainwashed every dumbass unicorn in his dumbass nation to worship him as a god, Mykan in this story has murdered Davis and tossed him in a ditch, because the Davis from the show would never been this unbelievable negative!

In the finale of the show, when everyone was confronted with their greatest fears and doubts, it was Davis who managed to guide everyone to focus on the task at hand and battle the villain! Not because he was better than everyone else, but because he was hardheaded! He saw what was important and focused on it, not bright enough to allow for distractions or the possibility of defeat!

That was why people who are fans of Davis liked him! Not because he was an emo who wanted to cut himself every five minutes, because ‘No one understands me’ ‘I’m so lonely’ ‘I can’t make any friends’. Try being pleasant with people and get your head out of your ass!

Fifth, thanks for the lyrics to a song, THAT I CAN’T HEAR FROM TEXT!

Let’s see if I can do that!

*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*

You raise me up, so I can snipe your head off!

You raise me up, so I can shoot at you!

Through my scope, I see your brains fly outward!

I laugh at you, while you bleed on the ground!

***

Oh, wait if we’re playing by Mykan’s rules, I have to sing about how I feel despite there being no evidence that I feel that way. Let me try that again.

*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*

I love this story! It’s so much better than yours!

It is so good! I want to fuck it all day!

***

Wait, what’s that? You want more singing? You don’t?! Well, that’s too fucking bad because our story decides to give us another fucking song!

And it’s as bad as the last one!

Just as pointless and nonsensical as the last one that has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the story!

It’s just another chance for Davis to show off his angelic vocal cords, that I’m pretty sure he didn’t have in the show, so everyone can fucking worship him like the Grand Ruler levitating his bags to his fucking hotel room!

So, we begin chapter 9 titled…

Virgins No more

…

Wait! Guys! Don’t leave me! I can’t review this part on my own! Don’t leave me!

I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

So they arrive in Hawaii where they make their way to their hotel room for their honeymoon.

They strip down and… Oh, god this is it. Computer, divert your eyes. Save yourself. Get out of this madness before it begins!

And just when you think they are going to get it on, the story cuts it out, as if it was afraid it wouldn’t know what to do with it.

It just cuts to them covered up and panting. So that sex that was promised at the beginning of the story was a lie. Though to be fair, did any of us really want this guy telling us the proper way to have sex?

Finally, the last fucking chapter. Let’s just get through this.

A few days pass for the newlyweds and they decide to finally go back home.  When they get home, they find that they have a huge mansion provided for them. Because apparently, Davis couldn’t just buy a mansion. Why not? He’s bought everything else in this fucking story!

A few years pass and they show the characters together for their big reunion at the end of Series 2, but this time Davis and Kari bring their son and daughter around.

And if you thought there couldn’t possibly be anymore jerking off to Davis in this story, the author manages to get one last sentence in.

As For Davis…Well; he became so successful with his Noodle-Carts, that so much was made about him.

Movies, TV shows, TK, who was a novelist, even wrote about him in his latest novel.

But what Davis loved most of all, was a song published about him and his business that he could listen too on his Music-Maker.

Davis would later go on to commit suicide because he realized his life was a joke. Now that’s an ending.

And then a song plays about how great Davis is!

-So move aside, make way.

For Daisuke Motomiya!

'Cos he's gonna make your day.

Daisuke Motomiya!

He's the one we adore.

Daisuke's the hero next door

Because Davis is so great and is so fantastic and SHUT THE FUCK UP! I HOPE DAVIS GETS CANCER IN THE FUCKING SERIES JUST SO FAN FICS LIKE THIS NEVER GET WRITTEN AGAIN!

If you like Davis as a character, fine. More power to you! But don’t shove him in everyone’s faces if you don’t mind!

Where to even begin?

Let’s start with the overall plot of the story! Or the lack of one! I don’t expect there to be some grand fate of the world plot here, but I, at least, expect some kind of conflict that makes me invested in the story and the characters! This story LITERALLY had no plot whatsoever. All it did was give us a wedding that nobody actually cared about, because nobody was actually invested in what was going on!

The characters are awful and bland! They all seem like cardboard cutouts of the characters from the show rather than the show’s characters we know and love! It’s made even worse if you haven’t seen the show since you barely get any time with these characters and many of them aren’t explored, so you’re left wondering why most of these characters matter. Davis and Kari are probably the two that get the most screen time, but these two are nothing but planks of wood as far as personalities go. Davis is nothing more than just a mouthpiece for how Mykan’s life sucks and that he should be worshiped for not doing anything! Davis is just a tool to be used to express how Mykan is and how he views himself, rather than being the character from the show!

The dialogue is terrible! People say words, but most of the time it’s either plot related (or at least what passes for a plot in this story) or something that relates to ‘Davis being awesome’. There are, admittedly, one or two good passages, but nothing to save the overwhelming bland and sometimes tedious dialogue.

The descriptions are all over the place! Sometimes actual effort was put into it, like the wedding dress. While other times, I have no idea what the fuck is going on or where the hell we are! Again, many of the important details are pretty much glanced over! Many of these points could have been used to develop the characters or plot, but the story pretty much doesn’t care about that!

Another huge problem with this story is the pacing! MY GOD, the pacing in this story! The story starts with Davis proposing, then it all leads up to the wedding with nothing happening! Hell, the wedding doesn’t even take place until 6 chapters later! This wouldn’t be so bad if something was happening in-between all that time, but nothing does! The only, ONLY piece that could have made for some interesting drama in this story, the nightmare sequence, was glanced over! It happened, it had no effect on the characters, and was never brought up again! This should have been a big moment for the characters, questioning if they could risk going through the pain! Yeah, its weak, but it would have been better than no plot at all!

And then we have the romance. The ungodly weak romance. Put aside whether you are for “Takari” or “Dakari” for a second, the story of Davis and Kari, in this story, is unrealistic at best. For all the talk about THE PERFECT COUPLE, I never once got a sense that they were madly in love. Yeah, they acted like they were in love, with the kissing and the sex, but that’s not what real love is about! They never really interact with each other on a personal or professional level, they never have any issues revolving around them, and they never have any disputes that could go through the growth of their relationship! It’s just a paragon that can’t exist!

And then of course, that leads us to the big issue that’s been hanging over this story since the beginning. The sexism.

Allow me to explain what I mean. Looking back at the story, did you all notice that Davis is always the one who got the praise? It’s Davis’s wealth. It’s Davis’s power. It’s Davis’s greatness.

But what about Kari? There’s never any mention of Kari doing anything. There’s never any mention of Kari being loved by everyone. There is never any mention of Kari’s greatness and all that she has accomplished.

And you know why? Because she is a woman. She is not given any kind of credit for anything she could or might do, because she is a woman. It’s not Kari working hard to achieve a college education that she earned! It’s Davis giving it to her! It’s not Kari trying to balance her life between paying for college through scholarships, grants, loans and a job while still keeping up on her schooling! It’s Davis giving it all to her! Not even Davis’s own sister, Jun, was able to get her medical degree without Davis!

All Kari is to this story is the girl that Davis is in love with! All Jun is to this story is the girl that Tai is in love with! And the overall message of Mykan’s Davis and Kari: A WEDDING STORY is this…

If you are a woman, you are useless. You are pointless. You have no worth. You cannot achieve anything without the support of him. You are nothing but a prize to be won. And you should be grateful that God allowed you to bask in Mykan’s presence.

Mykan… You must be so proud.

I would like to extend an apology to all my female viewers who have been offended by this man. You did not deserve that.

Dakari King Mykan is sexist. There is no other way around it. And if this story hasn’t made that relevant by now, then I’ve got three more that might!

Have a great day, guys!

Mykanuary: Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique!

And welcome to another day in the month of MYKANUARY!

Last week, we covered a highly controversial subject with one of the more famous franchises that Mykan has been a part of. This week… is not going to be one of them.

When it comes to Mykan, there are certain franchises that he has had the most involvement in. 4 in particular. Digimon, Teen Titans, 6teen and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. As you all know I did Digimon last week, Teen Titans I’ll focus on next week and… what was the last one I knew? Oh, well, I’m sure it’s not important.

But seriously, I’m deciding not to do 6teen for one simple reason. I never watched the show. I just didn’t have any interested in it. I knew what it was, I’d seen advertisements for it, but I was in high school at the time, so I didn’t have the attention span for it. I’m sure it was good, with the little research I have done on the show suggesting that IMDB gave it a 7.3 while TV.com gave it a 8.0, and Wikipedia mentioning that the show was critically acclaimed.

If I did end up doing a review for it, it would just be of a typical reviewer and not of one who is a fan or one who has seen the show.

However, here’s what I was able to gather from the brief skims of the work. The story is now called 7teen with the characters, I guess, slightly older and now Mykan is an added character in the group as a self-insert. I’ve repeatedly stated that I don’t have issues with self-inserts in stories. I’m under the belief that any story can work with the right story teller. I’m sure you’re all sick of me saying that by now, especially if you’ve been following me since the beginning, but it’s what I believe in.

However, I’m sure it carries Mykan’s standard idiocy in these stories. You know, he’s worshiped and made super-special-awesome for no reason. He solves everybody’s problems with things he clearly doesn’t understand. All the great female characters in the show suffer the wrath of him and are demeaned as a result.

Again, I’m just making an assumption based on what his other works have presented in the past. It could be really good. Although I doubt it.

Anyway, let’s talk about the movie we are going to be reviewing today. Corpse Bride.

Before I start the review of the fan fic, I want to give you my take on this movie really fast. I found it rather enjoyable. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen, but it still had a lot of creativity. Some of the character designs for the human characters were pretty inventive and creative. The plot was pretty interesting with a living man practicing his vows in the woods that accidently weds himself to a zombie. … Would that be considered necrophilia?

Anyway, he says it’s all a big misunderstanding and that he has to get back to the woman he loves. (That he just met that day, but hey if Disney is taught us anything “Love is an Open Door”.)

Again, going back to the art, not only the characters were rather interesting, but the two worlds of the living and the dead were pretty inventive and rather distinct. In the world of the dead, it was very grim, but also very lively with a lot more variety of colors than the human world. The human world was very grey, very black, and very gloomy almost like a dark black and white movie.  It’s actually kind of a cool artistic choice.

Which brings me to a rather interesting complaint I have about the movie and its artistic choice, the two leading ladies. Emily, the corpse bride and Victoria, the girl our protagonist loves. I can’t think of more polar opposites in artistic choices than these two characters. Emily has a very expressive face, giving a lot emotions throughout the story. Victoria, on the other hand, always looks like a lifeless doll. Her face hardly ever changes throughout the course of the story except one or two moments.

It’s strange because I never got that vibe from any of the other human characters on the screen. I just got it from Victoria. And in that sense it, ironically, makes Emily’s expressions look more alive.

Maybe this was done intentionally, but I don’t think it was a good choice.

The characters aren’t really that big of an issue, with the exception of our main character, Victor. He just didn’t seem to stand out that much to me. Maybe that’s just me, but there didn’t seem to be much to him as far as his character.

I found myself more interested in Victoria and Emily. Now we just need a scene where those two are making out.

Wouldn’t that have been a fucking twist? Would that still count as necrophilia?

The songs are pretty forgettable however. I never really enjoyed the music for this. Which is sad, because the music was written by one of my harmonic heroes, Danny Elfman. He did a lot of music that I grew up with, the Simpsons theme, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, the Nightmare Before Christmas, and there was one other based on a superhero that really stands out…

No, not him. Although he did do the score for the movies. There was one other superhero though… back in the late 80’s.

Meh… I’m sure it’s not important.

So, overall, while there were things to enjoy about the movie, it wasn’t a one of my favorites. So, where does Mykan fit into this? Well, it turns out Mykan enjoyed this movie, however, he didn’t like the ending that much.

And here’s the part where I spoil it for you all, if you haven’t seen the movie and you would like to, this fic is going to contain lots of spoilers, so I suggests you back out now. For the rest of you,

In the movie, the Corpse Bride, Emily, has convinced Victor to marry him after they discover that Victoria had married another. However, unbeknownst to them at the time, Victoria was being forced to marry a man she didn’t love to save her family from being bankrupt. However, after Emily discovers this and Victoria is able to part with her husband, Emily gives up pursuit of Victor, admitting that she loves him. She refuses to deny Victoria and Victor their happy ending, despite her not receiving her own. So she lets them go.

This was a very noble sacrifice on her part. Showing how strong her character was by giving up the thing she wanted most so that someone else can be happy. And in the end, I thought it was a rather touching moment.

Now, whether you agree with the ending or not, is your choice. We are not here to debate which ending is better. We are here to look at Mykan’s attempt to fixing the ending of this movie. So, let’s dig into Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE by Dakari King Mykan and see why this story should have remained downstairs.

Hello there…. My name is Mykan,

Shit, he’s stealing my thing!

I am a Corpse.

I know I’m going to be when this is all said and done.

That's right, if I am a Corpse, then I am indeed dead.

Yes, I must explain the definition of a corpse so that I can insult my readers instead of challenging them.

I’d use a facepalm gif here, but frankly it’s still the first fucking paragraph and any one that I would use, I’d use it far too early.

I've been dead for nearly 20 years now, and I live in the World of After-life.

Before that I lived in Canada.

Among all the corpse's and Skeletons down here, only one has ever been familiar to me.

Mostly because no one wants to be associated with me. They say I sing songs about how lonely I am and that pisses my friends off for some reason.

Emily! Our Corpse Bride as she's known to us as. How do I know her so well and how does she know me?

I don’t know. You guys haven’t exactly interacted since the story started!

Well; this may come as a bit of a shock to you

Trust me, with the shit I’ve read, you couldn’t shock me with your best surprise.

but, She happens to be my Sister; my Twin-sister to be exact.

She doesn’t mention me too often and by too often I mean, she doesn’t mention me at all, as if I was something of a disgrace to her.

So, the Mykan corpse explains how he died. Oh, wait, this is a Mykan story, he can’t explain how he died without ripping off a song from the movie.

I won’t bore you guys with the song itself like I did last week, YOU’RE WELCOME, and instead will give you the cliff notes version, apparently the character of Mykan used to make dresses for all the women around… Odd profession.

However, it turns out the Mayor didn’t like the dress he made. Hang on for a second, stopping the backstory. Why? … It’s a simple question. Why did the mayor not like the dresses? … It’s a simple question, story, but necessary to understand the motives of the villain. … Anything? … No? Huff… Alright, carry on.

So, after the Mayor decides that he doesn’t like the dress and won’t pay the Mykan character for any of them. You know, this is going to get confusing to refer both the character and the author as Mykan, so from now on the character in the story is ‘Tim’.

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Tim then decides to be a dick and never make another dress again. Is this supposed to be a parody of his own life? The one where he wanted to be a voice actor/singer, but decided that it was impossible, so he gave up on it?

Nah, I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

So, the mayor burns down his home and throws him into the ocean. Oh, good. A mayor with blood on his hands. And Tim vows to return from the grave and take revenge against the mayor.

He never takes revenge on the mayor in this story… Yeah, so this whole backstory has been pretty fucking pointless.

And then the story summarizes the song with two paragraphs.

Yes, that's how I ended up here. The mayor didn't approve of my refusing to make anymore dresses for such little pay.

So, He burned all the dresses I made, destroyed my castle, and worse than that, he tossed me off the cliffs and I died.

Well, I’m glad that doesn’t make this song completely and utterly pointless! Oh, wait! IT FUCKING DOES!

Seriously! You don’t need to explain something that you already explained in the song! Why even have a song if you were just going to tell us anyway!? It’s like if Beauty and the Beast had their big song about them and then they decided to tell you what the song was supposed to accomplish instead of letting the lyrics and the visuals do the work!

Tim then decides to go on about his backstory.

Not that I had much to live for in any case.

Oh, good. I finally have a use for this joke. My dad said those violin lessons would come in handy. Computer, the extra instruments, please.

Of course, sir.

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I lived alone, in my castle all alone.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, Mykan really likes to be monotonous in his writing.

No family, no friends. Mother and Father died in a car accident, but made it to heaven.

Wait… A car accident? … Um… Nah, I’ll come back to that.

My sister Emily had moved away to another town. We separated as Living souls, and we never saw each other again.

So, after hearing his sally sob story, we finally discover that Victor, the main protagonist of the story, did indeed marry the Corpse Bride, Emily.

We then discover that Tim lives in a dark castle at the top of an old hill away from everybody else and is pretty much a recluse in death as he was life. Well, can’t say it isn’t consistent.

The only time he pretty much goes into town is to get compliments on his work.

Well, I had to go, there was a wedding taking place down in the town and I was to be there for compliments on making the bride's gown.

Sounds like most people on FIMFiction.

You know, if Mykan’s ego was a living being , why do I picture it being the cat of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? It would certainly explain a whole lot.

I had died when I was only 25; I had never even met any women for they all just want me to make them a dress… that was it.

Never referring to me for help, never relying on me to be there when they needed it, just using me, and casting me aside like an old glove.

Because women are completely shallow, selfish and only care about themselves! That’s women for you!

Yeah, I think I covered the sexism bit last week, so I don’t need to repeat myself.

And finally, Tim expresses his jealousy of Emily because ‘she got a happy ending’ and ‘I didn’t get a happy ending’.

Clearly, my violin joke was used FAR TOO EARLY!

So, the wedding starts for the Corpse Bride and her new groom. Oh, god, is this going to be like a WEDDING STORY where the wedding won’t take place for another seven chapters?! It’s too soon for that! I can’t go through that again?!

Fortunately not, the wedding is actually skimmed over. I guess when he’s not the groom of it, it’s not important. He heads home and his sister and brother-in-law try to cheer him up, but apparently, Tim is not in the mood. So what does he do? Why, he sings about it.

-Yet year after year, it's the same routine

And I grow so weary for no one cares much for me

And I, Mykan, the Dress making King

Have grown so tired of the same old thing.

Maybe we were all wrong the whole time. Maybe King Mykan wasn’t supposed to be for a Dakari at all. Maybe it was supposed to be his secret dream of dress making. Well, at least then, he would be doing something positive for others. As long as he doesn’t make something like this!

-But who here would ever understand

That the Dress making King with a Corpse-like grin

Would tire of his crown, if they only understood

He'd give it all up if he only could

The problem is his head won’t let him. It’s swelled up so large the crown has actually embedded itself in his flesh.

Emily held her chest in pity, “Mykan, I know how you feel!” she said to herself.

You know in the Nightmare Before Christmas, which most of these songs are based off of, the girl who says that line falls for the character who sings the song. Which in this case would be her brother… Oh, great. Not only do we have necrophilia, but we have incest too. If you’ll excuse me…

We then get a song that wonders what is up with Tim. I like this song more than the others because it mirrors exactly what I am thinking. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH TIM?!

Seriously, you remember how in the Nightmare Before Christmas you know exactly what is up with Jack? Well, this story doesn’t know what its problem is! It just knows that something is up with Tim and it just forgot to tell the story what the fuck it was! God, I guess it could be the love that he’s mentioned of missing, but that’s never made clear! It’s never made clear in the song that that’s what he’s feeling!

And in the story of Nightmare Before Christmas, its Jack telling us how he feels! Here, it’s the townspeople! Yeah, the townspeople who’ve only known him for … a day at most, know that something’s wrong with him! Good fucking god, are you kidding me?!

I’ve lived in Ponyville most of my life and you never see songs in the street asking how I’m feeling!

*Quickly glances out the window, but sees nothing*

Well, it was worth a shot.

My castle was located on top of one of the highest mountains in the land of the Dead, and had an amazing view.

Oh, yeah. It has an amazing view alright. So amazing you can’t even describe it to us! I felt a better connection to Kari’s fucking dress in the last review!

Still, it was kind of awkward, living in a big place alone. Could you even blame me?

Personal choice, my friend. Personal choice.

Also, since we are in the land of the dead, I keep hoping that Davis comes back from the dead and beats the shit out of Tim for stealing his life.

It looked just like the same castle I had lost when I was alive, and it wasn't very pretty either.

Because change isn’t for me. Also, how the fuck do you get a castle on top of a fucking mountain?! You are dead! You don’t exactly get any material possessions like money when you die! You’re fucking dead! And yes, I know the movie had a skeleton with tons of books, but what the fuck makes you so god-damn special, Tim?!

And then we get, oh Christ, another song! Look I know the movie was a musical, but for the love of God, please stop putting in songs into your fanfictions! It’s a little hard to read music in a FAN FICTION that I READ with MY EYES!

Every time a song pops up in this story, I just want to gouge out my eyes, so I don’t have to read what passes for lyrics in this story!

Anyway, Tim gets upset about… I really have no idea what. See if you can make sense of it.

An ice-bag was tied to my head, because I got incredible headaches whenever I was feeling down.

“I of course I understand!” I mumbled to myself, “You would like me to make you these gowns.”

“If you only knew what it's like for me, working hard day and night, hardly ever stopping…”

“THINK NOTHINIG OF IT!!!!”

I’m not cutting anything out! That’s literally how it’s written in the story, guys! This is making the character of Tim look completely crazy. Not an unfounded concern, mind you. I mean, I guess he could be upset about girls taking advantage of him. After all, if Mykan has taught me anything, it’s that women are the spawn of Satan.

But hell, that isn’t made clear in the paragraph, so what the fuck is he upset about?

Maybe he’s figured out what story he’s in and who is writing it. I’d be pretty pissed off too.

I threw my pencil hard at the desk, which knocked a few of my books down from the shelf.

Wait, so he threw the pencil with such force that it actually knocked books off of the shelf and then they hit him in the head? What kind of physics would you have to come up with to do that?! What, did the books on the shelves leap out and attack him? Why does he have his desk so close to a bookshelf that the slightest vibration would send book hurling at his head?

You know, if I spend too much time trying to bring logic to this, I would probably have to declare myself legally insane. I mean… more so than usual.

So, let’s just get back to it.

“Oh…My…head!” I moaned.

I screwed my head back onto my body, walked out into the large foyer, looked down the long trail of stairs, and called out…

“The Door is open!”

Yes, you saw the Nightmare before Christmas! Yes, we know Tim Burton directed both movies! Please, move the fuck on!

Emily and Victor arrive at the door and Tim offers to make them some tea. I’m not sure why they would drink tea considering they’re dead, but since they do drink alcohol in the movie, or at least, I presume it to be alcohol, I’ll let it slide.

Emily and Victor grow concerned about Tim and want to help him. Sounds like every person on earth who has tried to help Mykan and guess what that usual results in: a middle finger from Mykan.

However, Tim is less disrespectful to them and take them upstairs to see what he’s been working on. He shows them several dresses that he’s made, including one for Queen Elizabeth the first.

Which begs the question, why the fuck is he hanging around some dolty, backwater town, when he can make dresses for one of the greatest English monarchs of all time?

“And they got it, but I didn't get so much more as 500 dollars in return. That was hardly even enough to get me through the week.”

Okay, completely ignoring the inaccuracies about currency at the time in England was not fucking dollars, 500 dollars a dress?! And you can’t live a comfortable lifestyle on that?! I don’t even make 500 dollars in two weeks and yet I manage myself pretty fucking well! Oh, what? Your prices couldn’t afford you your big fat mansion that you spend alone. It’s not like you have servants or anything! At least, not from what I can see! What the hell do you spend your money on?! Yeah, I suppose there is supplies and material for the dresses, but come on! 500 dollars a dress and you can’t support yourself on that?!

Maybe the Mayor was right to drown you!

So, he goes on about how he dreamed of creating the world’s greatest wedding dress that his bride would one day wear. Bit weird how the guy who hates weddings constantly writes about them, but I’ll roll with it. And he dreams about making it in magazines… I’m sorry, what?

“Her picture would be the most elegant in all bridal magazines, the dress would be worth millions, and people would say…”

So, let’s play some history, shall we?

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Oh, come on! I already did the research! The least you could do is indulge me for a second!

Assuming that Tim did make a dress for Queen Elizabeth the first, that would mean that he was alive from the timeline of 1558 to 1603. Now, the earliest examples of magazines (at least according to Wikipedia) were published in 1663. IN GERMANY!

And even assuming that they somehow got England or France (the story isn’t exactly clear where the setting is. And for that matter, neither is the movie), the magazine was originally a literary and philosophical magazine!

The first general interests magazine was published in 1731 in London. Assuming of course that it was possible to have this happen, he would be over 100 fucking years old! I guess, the dead could be receiving updates on from the land of the living, but wouldn’t Victor be a bit more rotten at that point! And as we’ll see, Victoria is still alive in this story, still young. So, not much time has passed since the ending of the story!

Also, remember his parents that supposedly died in a car accident?! Yeah, the first ‘car accident’ wasn’t until 1869. Okay, it was a steam powered automobile, but I count it! But for all you ‘technical’ types, the first gas powered automobile accident didn’t occur until 1891. So what time period does this story take place?!

The timeline is… ugh, it’s making my brain hurt trying to make sense of it all!

Anyway, Emily and Victor explain that Tim could always go to the land of the living and try to find somebody to love.

SomebodySomebody

Ooh, somebody Somebody

Can anybody find me, somebody to love

See, Mykan? I can inject random songs in places too. That doesn’t mean I should!

Oh, by the way, we get another song from Mykan. This one right after he states he has no interest in finding love, but we need to get this forced story rolling somehow, so he sings about how he wants to find love!

The group decides to go speak to Elder Gutknecht, one of the characters from the movie about traveling to the land of the living. In the movie, he’s done this job before so it’s not beyond belief that he could do it again.

Once Emily told the Elder who I was, he was even more excited than ever. “Ah, yes.” He said to me.

“Mykan, the greatest Wedding gown designer in the world.”

“Correction…” I said, “You mean… Ex-greatest Wedding dress designer in the world.”

Oh, don’t be so modest, Tim. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen any of your dresses that tell me of your great work. I’ve only heard you praise yourself with the work you haven’t done!

I’m glad that this character is amazed by how you haven’t done anything in this story yet! I know I am!

So, Elder can’t remember his name tells Tim that he can get him to the human world on the condition that he shows him how to make a marvelous dress for his wife. A wife that we never see in the movie or the story!

So, I guess the story takes a break from its ‘Oh so important’ plot and decides to show Elder guy how to make a dress, so that Tim can feel all powerful. Of course, in a good story, this would actually have some significance, but not here! Nope, definitely not here!

After the song, Elder hands Tim a harp that he can use to travel to the land of the living. If he had this during the movie, why the hell didn’t he give it to Victor and Emily the first time they went?! You know what? I don’t care anymore and I’m only on chapter 4. So let’s keep this moving.

“The Harp's power will be completely drained out 720 hours after you leave here.”

Oh, god, I have 720 hours more of this shit! I have 30 more days of this shit fest to sit through! I’m not going to fucking make it!

Elder also explains that if the Harp is somehow destroyed he will teleport back earlier. Computer, get my rocket launcher, I need to end this story!

We do not have a rocket launcher.

Tell Celestia to give me one, dammit! Tell her it’s a matter of life and death!

But there’s still one problem, his rotting body. Fortunately, Elder has thought this through, after the Corpse Bride, Emily, went through the same damn thing! He gives Tim a pack of gum that he can chew to create artificial flesh to cover his rotting one. Although I’d imagine he’d have trouble hiding the smell.

“However, the gum itself comes with side effects.”

“And they are exactly what?” I asked.

Oh, wait? There are side effects to the gum? Okay, that sounds kind of interesting, sort of a double edge sword here! Okay, let’s hear the side effects!

Elder continued right through the night, explaining to me what to expect on my quest.

I sure hope I was making the right choice. After all, it's not right for the dead to walk amongst the living.

So, what are the side effects?

After a long night of explaining and understanding, I was ready to begin my quest to find happiness.

So, what are the side effects, again?

“Good Luck, Mykan.” said Elder, “We will be keeping an eye on you right here whenever danger occurs.”

WHAT ARE THE FUCKING… you know what? I don’t care anymore.

So, he travels to England, and … hey, you know what? We went only a few paragraphs without a song. Let’s throw in another one. What’s that?... It’s getting repetitive? … You’re sick of the songs? … AND YOU THINK I’M NOT?!

So, after ripping of ‘What’s this?’, one of the best songs on the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, he finds himself at an old log house in the woods and decides to get some rest. Because you know, zombies need that sort of thing.

I think that’s how it plays out in the Walking Dead.

Zombie: Grah! I’m going to eat you! … Yawn, right after a power nap…

Meanwhile, back in the land of the dead, a group of women bang on his door demanding dress. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE BANGING ON HIS DOOR FOR DRESSES?! YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE WHY YOU ARE EVEN THERE!

Emily shoos them away and we move onto our next chapter, with nothing actually accomplished. I’m so glad the majority of this chapter was dedicated to a fucking song!

So, he manages to go into town, where the city asks that every newcomer must get a physical.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is the exact same scene with Unicornicopia, and even that made no sense!

But, uh oh, Tim is a corpse, so he doesn’t have a pulse or working lungs, what’s he going to do? Also, would they make him do a urine test?  How would he pass that one? Unless, he did it like in Ghost Dad?  Nope, nope. Not going back there again.

Inside the examining room, both the doctor and the nurse got to work on me.

Maybe this is the sex scene we were promised in the last review.

I was a good thing they told me that I didn't have to remove my outfit; I wasn't really to pretty underneath.

Ignoring the easy insult I could have made there, you’re fucking dead! Of course you don’t look pretty!

They take his temperature and…

“One?” the Doctor said.

“One-hundred?” asked the Nurse. “No…Not 100.” said the doctor, “Just one!”

Thank goodness they didn't ask me to explain that. Had they, and what would I tell them.

Wait, what? One? Fucking one? Okay, I’m not expert in corpses here, but I’m pretty sure a cold dead body is warmer than one degree!

Also, they seriously are not going to question it? What the hell kind of physical is this, if no one is going to address the physical abnormalities?!

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Critique, let us check your eyes to make sure your sight is okay.

Critique: Dude! I’ve been shot in the chest! Help me out here!

Doctor: Hmm.. pupils are dilating. That’s good. Very good.

Critique: What do my eyes have to do with the bullet wound IN THE CHEST?!

Doctor: Heart rate is about…220 bpm.

Critique: That’s because… oh… god…

Doctor: Heart rate is going down… Down… and Zero. Well, Mr. Critique, you’re as fit as fiddle.

THINK!

Anyway, the physical goes badly for Tim, but the doctors seem too stupid to question. They’ll give anyone med degrees these days. After all, they do the same with Bachelor’s Degrees.

As Tim waits for the results of his X-rays, (yeah, in fucking 1600’s England, there were fucking X-rays. I’m starting to wonder if Mykan knows how history works) a group of bank robbers from next door break into the doctor’s office and hold the medical staff as hostages. With pistols.

Yeah, based on the research I did, the first guns that could be called pistols arrived in the 15th century.  I tried to look for an exact date on when the first pistols were manufactured, but I couldn’t find anything solid. If you guys happen to know, feel free to tell me.

Anyway, back to the story, the police can’t rush in after the robber since they can’t risk the hostages being hurt.

However, Tim attacks the men and the robbers start firing at him. Naturally since he is dead, the bullets do not affect him. However, why they don’t turn the guns back on the doctors and nurses? I have no idea. I guess, they could still be freaking out, since this guy’s is basically face tanking firearms, which would be revolutionary, but still they could just as easily threaten the hostages again, if Tim doesn’t back off.

But whatever, the robbers give themselves up and everyone rejoices at his heroics.

Even the bank owner was so pleased by Tim’s heroics that he offered the money that the criminals stole as a reward. I don’t think that is how banks work!

Tim refuses, however, stating that he doesn’t need money. Of course, he is the King of the Noodle Cart, so yeah; money is kind of pointless to him.

A woman in the crowd, who had been threatened by the villains, takes note of how brave Tim was and manages to find Tim’s golden harp on the ground. Why Tim was carrying it around is hard to say.

I got to say, with the exception of the physical, this is probably the most decent chapter in this story. Well, when compared to the rest of the story at least. There is a bit of conflict here. A good setup for him to be a hero. And even a setup to start a romance. Best of all there was no annoying as hell song to read through. However, any potential story telling is wasted in the next few chapters.

We find ourselves at the Everglot house. In the movie, Victor was forced to be wed to the daughter of the Everglot family. Here, however, in this story, Victor choose Emily over Victoria. Okay. Not a choice I agree with, but hey, to each their own.

In the mansion of the Everglot family, the poor young I had met, was having a little squabble with her parents.

A young? A young what? Thanks for proofreading your own damn story before posting it, asshole!

“Victoria Everglot, how dare you.” snapped the mother. “We distinctly told you never to shop amongst the lower classes!” snapped the father.

In the movie, the father and mother use the child to keep themselves wealthy by having her marry the son of a rich family. In this version, that couldn’t happen, so it’s likely that the family is now living on the street. That’s why the Victoria was getting married to Victor and then later, Lord Barkis to begin with.

So, I guess, somehow, they were able to keep their home and property, despite the fact that they have no money. Well, I guess since she was technically married to Lord Barkis, she does have access to his finances when he died, but that’s not made clear in the story. If this is the answer, it should have been in the story and not by the guy who reviews pieces of shit like this because he needs a hobby!

Anyway, the parents lock Victoria in her room where she laments about Victor in… blow me if you don’t know… ANOTHER FUCKING SONG!

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However, Victoria was alone now. Her parents tried enforce her into marriages based on lust.

Didn’t I just get through explaining… You know what? I don’t care! Yes, I know I’ve said that three times now! I forget which story I’m reading sometimes!

Victoria put the harp back down, and was bout to cry herself to sleep, when suddenly, she hear more music…

It was someone was playing Beethoven's “Fur Elise”, coming from the park.

Because there just is a piano in the middle of the park! Don’t question it, damn it!

So, Victoria goes down to see Tim playing on the piano.

She smiled back at me and stepped closer, “That was really beautiful, what you were just playing.” She said to me while sitting down beside me.

“That is very kind of you to say that.” I said, “I hardly ever get compliments anymore.”

Except every time you make a wedding dress and then attend said wedding. Somebodies head is too far up their butthole!

“My name is Mykan.” I said, “Sadly, I do not have any last name though.”

Mostly cause the writer forgot to give me one.

So, Tim tells Victoria that he can’t help her with her problems, but does offer Victoria a chance to listen to why Tim is upset. Well, I’m sure glad this is a relationship where you two are agreed on only caring about YOU!

The two share a song together and they instantly fall in love and Tim promises to be back tomorrow.

I was about to tell her so, when suddenly BIG-BEN (The giant clock) was beginning to chime twelve-midnight.

If you know what Big Ben is, than you must know that it was built in 1858!

God, Frank Millar’s time stamps in All-Star Batman and Robin are easier to follow than this!

Tim’s gum starts to act strangely and he runs off before Victoria (and the audience) can figure out what. I’m pretty sure there is some kind of time limit to how long he can chew it before it starts to wear off. Also, for someone who is speaking with gum in his mouth the entire day, he can form pretty good sentences.

Also, modern day gum was first developed in the 1860’s and before then it was used as an adhesive. But there was also mention of edible or chewing gum before then. Just to add to the confusing timeline. You could do an entire Doctor Who episode about this, where he spends half of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

We then finally get an explanation for the gum that he’s been keeping from us. Not that it builds that much suspense. It would have created more suspense if we knew beforehand.

“Every Wednesday starting at midnight, the gum will lose its power, and you won't be able to hide your Corpse body.”

“For the next twenty-four hours, the other gumballs will not be able to hide you, so do not chew any of them.”

“However, the one you were chewing before cannot be used again, so you should throw it away.”

He returns home thinking about the magic harp that he lost, but ultimately decides NOT to look for it. A power that gives you the ability to teleport anywhere you want and you just leave it hanging. Good thing a character of actually dignity found it, even though YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT!

But whatever, Emily and Victor arrive the next morning to the land of the living. They ask how things have been with his one day thus far, and Tim explains that he met a girl he fell in love with. When he reveals it is Victoria Everglot, Emily and Victor explain what happened between Victoria and the other two.

With this new knowledge, as told by Victor and Emily, Tim is confident that he can help her. Of course, this takes away from Victoria and Tim actually having any chemistry. But fuck chemistry, this is the 1600th century! People marry for love almost never!

So after that backstory, Tim goes to the park, after chewing his gum to get his skin back and teaches Victoria how to play the piano.

Aw, that’s sweet. Makes me almost forget that they have no chemistry whatsoever. Christ, Victor and her had better chemistry and they barely knew each other!

So, apparently, TWO WEEKS PASS!

What? I … just.. uh… gah!

So, anyway… In case you didn’t catch that, two weeks pass and the two start to develop their relationship. Yeah, they have as much chemistry as a paper towel and a fork.

And the piano in the park? Apparently, it’s a prize from the city after he stopped the bank robbers. Translation: I didn’t think about that until AFTER someone complained about it!

Anyway, the two talk about the dream that Victoria wants to achieve by being a great pianist. No, I’m not doing the Animaniacs joke. Mostly because I couldn’t find the clip. So, here’s another joke.

My life in a nutshell.

So after, the LONGEST SONG IN THIS STORY, about following your dreams, Tim rushes off after Big Ben starts to ring. You know, Tim, if the gum wears off every Wednesday morning and Victoria is concerned about you running off. Why not cut the lessons short on Wednesdays?!

One night, Victoria’s parents demand that she dance with an eligible bachelor. Why? There’s no reason for it! The whole reason why Victoria was being forced to marry in the film was because they were going bankrupt! Obviously, they haven’t in this story if they can afford a dance party and invite every eligible bachelor known to man to it, they don’t need the money! They could probably care less what happens to her!

Also, are we seriously not going to address that they saw corpses running around on their daughter’s wedding day? They seem to be taking the whole Walking Dead thing pretty damn well.

The next day, Tim overhears that Victoria’s mother needs a new dress and Tim offers his assistance. The mother is disbelieving of Tim, but Tim assures her that he can accomplish the task.

You have two days to make this a dream gown, or I shall call the police.”

For what?! He hasn’t done anything! For being a good Samaritan?! For offering to help you?! Or is it because he insulted you when you were being a bitch?!

I don’t think that is enough to get arrested!

But whatever, how is Tim going to make this dress? Computer, would you please?

Of course, sir.

Would any of you like to buy a vowel or do you want to solve the puzzle?

So, he makes the dress in TWO HOURS?!

Rarity, would you like to say it?

SHIT! WRONG IMAGE!

Fixing… fixing…

Okay, here’s the right image.

Okay, as long as nobody saw that, I think I’m okay.

Another week passes and

it was Christmas day at last. The snow had settled down. Joyous youth-time was everywhere.

Unlike joyous elder-time which would be next week.

Apparently, Tim stops worrying about the magic harp. Geez, I’m sure glad that important plot point was brought into the story then. He instead chooses to focus his time on Victoria. The night of the ball happens and Tim gets fancied up thanks to the dressmaker he helped when he refined the dress earlier.

He arrives at the ball and witness Victoria in her ‘lavish’ dress. Not that we get much detail on that, since Kari’s was more defined. However, when he arrives at the ball to take Victoria away so they can be alone, the music stops.

I asked what was going on, and was told that the string playing musicians were off on their break, and the pianist was running late.

Because strings can’t play soft slow songs that you can dance passionately too! I think I’ve used my sarcasm limit for this review, so I’ll just say, YES, THEY CAN, YOU IDIOT!

What, I’ve used my caps limit too?! So, I guess I’ll have to settle for hand puppets for the rest of the review. Makes about as much sense as the story does.

Tim goes up to Victoria and tells her to play something. Victoria, however, is too nervous about it.

I said, “Do you why I started teaching you how to play the piano?”

To get into her pants?

“It's because this is your dream! You told me that you've always wanted to be a fine pianist, well now's your chance…”

It’s still on the pants thing, right?

“Take it, and Take it now. Otherwise, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life.”

Mykan is talking to people about accomplishing their dream. Hm… There seems to be some irony here. I’m sure it’s just me though. So, Tim goes up on the stage and makes an announcement.

“You don't me my good sir, none of you really do.” I said,

Nor would I ever!

During the course of her song, Tim finally admits that he’s in love with her. They find themselves under a cliché and they have a romantic kiss.

*Sniff*

Did you just sniffle?

No… No, I am fine.

You are one crackpot robot.

So, the ball comes to a close and Victoria is forced to pick the man she will marry. It, of course, is Tim! What a fucking surprise that was.

But, uh oh, it turns out that Victoria’s parents don’t like Tim. … Not actually all that surprising. Not because Tim is a bad character, don’t get me wrong he is. But Victoria’s parents are pretty much assholes in the movie, so it’s not that big of a surprise. Why is it that the assholes are captured better than the good people in this story?!

The clock starts to chime when Victoria tries to convince her parents that she loves Tim.

“No mother, let me go, LET ME GO!!!” cried Victoria.

Let me go! Let me go! Let me marry this asshole!

Let me go! Let me go! I’ll make his life complete!

His artificial flesh runs out and Victoria’s parents accidently rip off one of his arms. Tim is revealed to be an undead, with the doctor who took the X-Rays

Arriving just in time with the results of the test, proving that he is undead. How the hell did he know where Tim would be?

The entire town goes berserk and attacks Tim. And what does Tim do with Victoria?

Kidnap her so that she can be in grave danger with the people who are trying to kill you. Makes more sense than Twilight drinking a psycho potion without testing it first!

So, they manage to get away and Tim explains what has happened. Victoria takes the necrophilia thing pretty damn well. I guess it would make sense, but she wouldn’t be pissed off about him lying to her? I mean, I understand why he did, but even a little upset?

However, the parents finally catch up to them.

“Step away from my Daughter, You filthy Corpse!” bellowed her father. “Either you do it now, or we shall call the police.” added her mother.

Pfft, ha, ha, ha! What is up with this lady and calling the police? What exactly would you say to them?

Critique: Sir, a zombie has been dating our daughter for several weeks and has kidnapped her so he and she can pork.

Cop: Ung, this is just like that one lady who goes on about her boyfriend is a vampire and that she secretly has feelings for a werewolf. Come back when you have a real crime.

They use the magic harp, which I guess Victoria just keeps up her ass, as the two escape their parents and go to the cabin in the woods.

Tim, being a fucking genius, gives Victoria the piece of gum that gives him his artificial flesh. Well, what could possibly go wrong?

I Say, what's that there on your arm?” I said pointing to her right arm. The moment she looked at it, she screamed out of fear.

Her arm had changed into a skeleton, and her left arm was turning pale. “Quickly, spit the gum out!” I told her.

Oh, maybe it has something to do with what the elder told you before you went to the land of the living.

If somebody who was dead chews the gum, their dead body would become flesh again.

If somebody alive were to chew it, the gum would begin to kill them at once.

Good god, Tim is as dumb as a sack of rocks! Are you seriously telling me you just figured out what that meant now?! A five year old could have figured it out quicker!

You almost kill your girlfriend and she’s been your girlfriend for less than 30 minutes. God, even Edward is…

Oh, wait already used a Twilight joke. Never mind.

So, they make a vow to get wed and of course, we have another song to pass the time by!

The parents and villagers arrive at the cabin and try to attack him. However, Tim pulls the classic, cliché and always revolting, ‘I’m Batman’ speech and scares everyone away. Except that, you suck as Batman, Tim!

Don’t worry, if I know my Castlevania, there should be a Belmont around 1600’s. Let’s see…

Damn it, the closest Belmont to this date is Christopher Belmont in 1591. The next Belmont doesn’t appear for 100 years! … You win this round, Tim. Though I guess if the story doesn’t care about the timeline and history, why the fuck should I?

So, Tim shoves the piece of gum down Victoria’s throat and they vanish to the world of the undead, without killing anyone. Well, that’s not fun at all. When I see dead people rise from the grave, I expect people to die!

Mr. and Mrs. Everglot were arrested… Wait, why? Why are they arrested? They haven’t done anything!

That was their price to pay for their crimes fool-hearty revenge, and first degree murder.

Revenge? What? And murder? What murder? They didn’t kill anyone! If anything, you’re the murder! Coercing a young girl to kill herself for you! Jonestown anyone?

Just another thing in the long list of things that Mykan doesn’t actually understand!

Meanwhile, in the town of the dead, people are panicking because Tim isn’t around to make dresses for them.

… Let me repeat that… People, that is the citizens of the town of the dead… are panicking, that is they are freaking out, losing their minds … because Tim, that’s the Mary Sue… isn’t around… he’s gone. Is nowhere to be found…  to make dresses… a piece of clothing typically worn by females… for them… the stupid pricks of the fucking town.

I fucking hate this story.

So, Tim returns to the world of the dead with Victoria. He calls a town meeting, which I guess everyone is okay with.

Critique: Yes, Mr. Grand Ruler, I mean, Davis, I mean, Copycat, I mean, Tim, we’ll just follow you off of this cliff that you want us to jump off of! Can I get a jetpack too? No? Alright then, I’ll just jump off and hope I survive!

So, the town shows their approval of Tim and Victoria and they have to get another song in. Sure, why not?

For some reason the story decides it needs to keep going, but I’m going to spare you all because it’s just a stupid excuse to make Victoria sacrifice everything in the living world for him, even though she’s already done that!

He makes his wedding dress he’s always wanted to make, they get married, there’s a couple more pointless songs, I’m out of alcohol and frankly out of jokes! So, I’m burying this thing once and for all! … No pun intended.

Where did this story come from?

I’m serious, where did this story come from? I know he didn’t like the ending to Corpse Bride, but in this story, the focus isn’t on the different ending with Victor choosing Emily in the end and how that would have been different.

It’s Mykan’s Mary Sue stand in that wants to get into another characters pants. And frankly, I’ve seen that a thousand times in MLP fan fiction. Which honestly, doesn’t do it that well either. But just because it’s just as bad, doesn’t make it good!

The story is a mess! The history is bullshit! The romance is beyond rushed! The dialogue is cheap! And it makes no god damn sense!

This could have been a “What if…” story about choosing the other road that Victor had in front of him. But no, that part of the story is never touched up on. In fact, it’s forgotten about as soon as it appears.

While I say it is better than a WEDDING STORY from last week, the story still sucks at capturing the romance and depth of some of these characters. Granted, there wasn’t much to Victoria, but there could have been at least something.

All the good ideas are pushed aside for something else and frankly that ends up hurting it in the end.

Not the worst Mykan story I’ve ever read, but still really bad.

But, I’ll tell you, I am done with this shitty ass story and I’m glad to have been. Have a great day, guys. If you’ll excuse me, I have to stock up on alcohol for next week.

Mykanuary: CopyCat the Seventh Titan

This… story…

It’s… it’s…

IT’S HORRIBLE! IT’S HORENDOUS!

IF YOU TOOK SHIT AND ADDED MORE SHIT ON TOP OF THAT, IT WOULDN’T TOTAL TO THE AMOUNT OF SHIT THAT IS THIS FIC! THIS FIC IS THE SHITEST SHIT IN THE WHOLE SHIT WORLD!

IF SHIT COULD WRITE FAN FICTION, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD WRITE! SHIT, SHIT AND MORE…

… Okay… I think I’m good.

Sorry about that, everypony, but man, this is a bad one. I mean, this one is probably the worst I’ve seen from this month. And it doesn’t help that I am out of alcohol for this. … You can imagine my sanity isn’t exactly in the best situation, right now?

But I’m jumping ahead a bit… Let’s talk about Teen Titans for a minute before we begin.

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Oh, fuck yeah! Teen Titans! This show kicked serious ass! The animation was great! The storylines were really well done! The voice acting was top notch! It was a fantastic show! And if you’re a comic book nerd or are interested in other superheroes DC has to offer besides Batman and Superman, this was a quality show!

And it’s the show responsible for making fans question DC in their use of Starfire, a very popular character in the show, for the comics.

http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=1513

The basic premise of the show is that five teenagers live together in a T shaped tower to fight crime and protect the world from supervillains and the like. The team consisted of Robin, Batman’s young sidekick, Cyborg, a boy who was bonded with tech to save his life, Starfire, an alien princess, Raven, the daughter of an evil god, and Beast Boy, a young man who can transform into any kind of animal (even alien animals as was seen on the show).

Together they formed the Teen Titans. They lasted several seasons and were incredibly popular.

Yeah, that’s the cliff notes version, but I’ll get more into their characters and certain things that happen when we actually get to the story. Let’s talk about how Mykan feels about it, since most of this is going to be focusing on him anyway.

Mykan enjoyed the series… up to a point. Remember when I said the Mykan hates change. Of course you do. I’ve been beating it into your skulls for the past few weeks. This is the show that has the most prime example of things changing and Mykan doing everything in his power to either ignore it or bitch about it without actually moving on.

There are going to be tons of spoilers in the review if you haven’t seen the show Teen Titans. If you are interested, at the very least it would be better than this story, you might want to back out of this now. As for the rest of you…

In the show, a character named Terra appears and tries to join the team. Terra shows her ability to manipulate the earth and the Titans seem to consider her. However, it turns out that Terra has limited control over her abilities. She had tried to help others in the past with her abilities, but it is hinted by Slade, the main villain of the series, that many people have gotten hurt or the situation was made worse when she tried to intervene. Yes, comic book fans who follow me, I know that Slade’s real name is Deathstroke, but he was called Slade in the show, he’s called Slade now.

Slade tries to convince Terra that only he can help her, but Terra believes that if the Titans never find out that she’ll be okay. The only one of the Titans who Terra had told however, Beast Boy, promised to keep it a secret from the others.                                                                                                    

It slips that the team knows about her lack of control and Terra lashes out at Beast Boy, believing that he broke his promise. Turns out that the team just kind of figured it out and didn’t realize that she was insecure about it. Whoops.

Terra eventually returns to rejoin the team with her powers completely in control. The Titans are suspicious of this, but it is quickly put aside when Terra helps save the city. Terra is made an official Teen Titan. During the next few episodes, Terra and Beast Boy would spend a lot of quality time together and develop a romance.

And then Terra reveals that she has been working for Slade and Slade uses her to strike a devastating blow against them, taking over the city as a result. Feeling betrayed, the team beats Terra and goes after Slade, with Terra narrowly escaping capture. Beast Boy confronts Slade, blaming him for Terra hurting him as she did.

Before Slade however can finish Beast Boy off, Terra arrives and sacrifices herself to save Beast Boy and the entire city from a volcano. Terra ends up in a petrified state which the Titans give a farewell, seeing how they think she’s dead.

Several seasons later, Terra would return in the final episode of the series called “Things Change”. I can just imagine Mykan’s face after seeing the title card for this episode.

Anyway, yeah, Terra returns and it turns out she is going to a nearby school. When Beast Boy discovers this, he rushes after her and attempts to convince her to rejoin the team. However, Terra refuses.

Yeah, why would you give up being a super powered hero and fighting bad guys all the time?

Actually, Terra turns out … has a very touching, very realistic reason why she won’t go back to that superhero life.

Terra doesn’t want to be a superhero anymore because she wants a change in her life. And frankly, I don’t really blame her. Consider this, she’s been manipulated and lied to by Slade, she’s nearly taken the life of all her friends because of her poor choices with her powers, and that’s including all the crap she’s been through beforehand.

The truth is, she doesn’t want to go back to that life. A life where she constantly hurts those around her. A life that has taken so much from others because of mistakes she makes. It’s a very heartbreaking scene for her to speak to Beast Boy in a way that she claims she doesn’t remember him. This is probably the most controversial episode in the series. Many claim that is was a terrible episode because of how Terra treated Beast Boy, pretending not to remember. Others claim that it was a good finale with some decent chemistry between the two and a very tender moment where they both have to move on.

While it’s never actually stated that it is Terra and it’s never actually confirmed that she did lose her memory, in the end, I don’t think it matters. The important thing about this episode to take it that ‘Things Change’.

This is the show that is probably the most infamous for Mykan. After the series ended, he went on a crusade to put his favorite couple back together, trying to keep things from changing.

Unfortunately, things do change. They grow. People change. People grow. Things that we thought we wanted in the past sometimes turn into something that we don’t want. We realize that it wasn’t what we were looking for the whole time and we move on from that.  Despite how much it might hurt, people need to move on and change.

We grow up. We get married. We have kids. We have dreams that we sacrifice for happiness. We have things that we thought we wanted pushed away from our mind to focus on what we really desire. The world changes. But you, Mykan… you have remained the same.  And you have let this show destroy you.

I’m not even kidding. Mykan is so hurt by the separation of the two characters he thought he should be together, that he literally tortures himself.

I don’t know what that entails, but based on a video he posted about why he hates MLP, he mentions Teen Titans as being the source of his pain. Because his favorite couple, the PERFECT COUPLE never got together.

Well, at least, I’ve never had that happen to me before! Nope, not once in the history of the universe has that ever happened to me! Nope, not once!

Peter Parker and Mary Jane’s One More Day.

… Okay. One… But they’re fixing that, so it’s all good.

Ike and Elincia from Fire Emblem.

Okay… Admittedly, twice. But that doesn’t mean I have a lot of them…

Serge and Leena from Chrono Cross.

… … … Bet you can’t name four?!

Ash and Misty from Pokemon.

THE POINT IS! The point is that sometimes things don’t go the way you would like! Sometimes couples break up! Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I was pissed about Spider-Man and Mary Jane’s little thing with Satan. Yeah, I was upset! Yeah, I didn’t want a couple I’d seen for years and years and years go down the shithole!

But, you see, here’s the difference between us, Mykan.

I DIDN’T LET IT DESTROY MY LIFE!

I didn’t let the fact that the couples that I supported cause me physical pain! Yes, it upset me, but not to the point where it was causing me physical harm and suffering!

Dude, seriously, take it from a fellow psychotic! GET SOME HELP!

You are letting a show that you watched harm you because you won’t move on from something that is FICTIONAL! IT NEVER HAPPENED! IT DOESN’T EXIST! THEY ARE JUST CHARACTERS IN A SHOW THAT DIDN’T EXIST! An entertaining show, mind you, but STILL A SHOW!

Mykan is a truly sad individual and it is sad that so many of us have attempted to help him and he refused every single person. I doubt I will be any different.

But, this intro has gone on way longer than I expected. So… with all that out of the way, let’s finally get to why you are all here in the first place. Let’s dig into Copy-cat The Seventh Titan by Dakari King Mykan and see what level of hell I end up in this week.

For the record, sir, I did have seven other couples I could have listed. Would you like me to name them off?

NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE YOU TO NAME THEM OFF!

Our story begins with an intro sequence that explains some backstory.

On A Distant Planet; Far, Far Away, Near The Edge Of The Universe,

Cue Star Wars theme!

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there is a Titan called Copy-Cat.

He hasn’t even made it to Earth yet and already he’s considered a Titan! … Either that or this is actually the secret origin story of Titan from My Little Unicorn.

It would explain why he’s so unlikable.

Sir, you do not even know him yet.

It’s every Mykan self-insert every created! What’s to like about him?!

He Is The Keeper Of A Magical Water,

He’s less of a superhero and more of a water boy. … Actually, he might want to consider that. It would get him off his computer and actually out making friends.

Copy-Cats People Have Been Deceived By Black-Fire; A Wicked Tamarainian, Who Has Fooled Them All Into An Arrangement To Marry Copy-Cat

You know, considering the guy said in one of his videos that he hates weddings and never wants to be married, there are sure a lot of weddings in this stories. … I wonder if that’s just a coincidence or if this is a just a desperate cry for help.

Her True Plan Is To Gain The Knowledge of the Properties Of The Sacred-Water, And Use Those Powers To Bring Forth Order To The Universe!

As opposed to chaos?... Are we sure Blackfire is the bad guy in this story? Or is she simply evil because she liked how ‘Thing Change’ went considering she would have one less Titan to fight?

Copy-Cat Has Seen Through To This Maniacal, Manipulating Witch, And Refuses To Wed Her.

How? … How did you see through Blackfire’s plan? Yeah, don’t bother asking, he doesn’t tell us. Oh, wait, I forgot… this is a Mykan story. You see, in a Mykan story, I don’t need to explain the main characters knowledge of how they come to any conclusion. I just have to say, ‘I’m smarter than all of you” and hope that you’re all dumb enough to believe it.

In a Mykan story, I don’t have to give my characters any personality or make any other characters capable. I just have one solitary character who can do everything without anyone else getting in the way. And as long as everyone praises him for the little to nothing he actually does, than you’ll all buy into it.

In a Mykan story, I can just have my character whine the entire time. Just making him come off as pretentious. But, that’s okay, because as long as everyone bows down, worships him and feels sorry for him, my stupid followers will think it’s great!

…

…

Sorry, everypony. … I went off a little bit there. See what this story does to me?

However, His Father, Whom Has No Clue Of Black-Fire's plan, Will Not Rest Until His Son Has Been Married To The Tamarainian!

You know, reading these stories, there is a fascinating thing about Mykan and his thoughts on parents. Kari’s father, crippled. Tim’s parents, dead. Victoria’s parents, evil. (Okay, they were dicks in the movie too, so I won’t count it.) And Copy-cat’s father, naïve.

I don’t know why but I have a feeling that Mykan thinks that parents are pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I know it’s a popular fad to exploit, but it feels like Mykan has something against parents. Maybe I’m reading too deep into this, but to me, this is a red flag.

He rushes out of the palace without being seen, hoping to escape the planet.

A strange creature ran out King of the planet's City and made his way towards the outskirts of the village.

He was a rather strange looking creature… Between a Young-Man, and a Black Cat.

Wait… so, he is between a young man and a black cat? … Does that mean this guy is the son of…

NO! NO! NO! I REFUSE! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT THE SON OF MY FAVORITE HERO AND AN INCREDIBLY AWESOME WOMAN! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT! NO!

We then get him describing his character… Break out the brain bleach people…

His arms, his legs, his upper body, and the space between his legs, were all covered in black soft fur.

… Thanks for that pleasant image… Just… thanks, because… that’s really what I wanted to know… I wanted to know your junk was … eewwwww…

He manages to make it to the woods and…

My Psychic-Senses are tingling… Perhaps I was wrong!” He cried as he saw up ahead the royal carriage followed by 10 guards.

See you all next week…

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***

Fucking kidding me… Psychic Senses?! Really?! After the Spider-Man and Black Cat line… what was he thinking?

Computer, do we have any beer?

Sir, are you going to finish the review?

Nope.

It is Mykanuary, sir. I thought you enjoyed this month.

Look, … this is just the barely the first 100 words. I’m already breaking. How am I supposed to finish this 21000 word story if I can’t even make it through the first 100 words?!

You have done so with worse stories.

Yeah…

At least try.

Ugh… Fine… but I won’t like it!

Okay, so he gets chased by the guards and they are about to catch up to him when he comes up with a plan.

He reached behind himself and grabbed his Black tail, then he spun it around like a wheel, and began to run.

In less than a moment, the force of his spinning tail caused him to rise gently of the floor, and he gained speed.

Nope!

Bye, guys!

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***

Okay, I’ll stick through it!

So, he gets to one of the towers and manages to open up a spaceship inside.

Up at the top of the tower, I pressed a switch, which caused the tower to retract it's pillar inside of it…like magic.

It was… breath taking! A trap door! So magical!

GASP! What is the strange magical device that holds dinner plates and silverware?! I must know its name!

The space ship shoots off and the King explains that Copy-Cat got away.

Blackfire is upset at this, but plays it off as if she was sad about him leaving. … You know, if you knew what kind of person he was, you’d be partying it up that he’s gone, villain or otherwise.

Blackfire is pissed off and yells at the other Tamaraneans that … Wait, other Tamaraneans?! Okay, backstory time.

Blackfire is actually the older sister of Starfire and they are both princesses of the planet, Tamaran. While Starfire uses her powers to help others, Blackfire uses them to commit crimes and for personal gain. During a battle for the throne in the show, Blackfire was dethroned and Starfire relinquished her right to rule Tamaran to her caretaker.

So, how the why the hell are other Tamaraneans working for Blackfire?! Are they former criminals?! Is the caretaker dead?! Is she the queen of Tamaran?! What is happeneing?!

Urg…

It turns out that Copy-Cat has been in space for about a week. He finally arrives on planet Earth and we get this line…

“Humans… they appear to be the most intelligent of species compared to that of me and my kind that I have ever encountered!”

Why do I get the feeling that if Mykan had been a human in this story, that sentence would be rather rephrased to…

“My god! A race with more intelligence than my own! Espeically this one little boy! We MUST take him as our king and make him have sex with all our women, because he’s just so fucking awesome!”

… I’m just giving Mykan material at this point, aren’t I?

But my Psychic-Senses also detect energies above human level below on the surface!”

First, Psychic Senses! Stop saying that! You aren’t cool enough to rip off him! Second, what the hell does ‘above human level’ mean? Are we talking about superheroes or something? Or are we talking about smarter humans?! I don’t know, screw this story!

He decides he needs to test the strength of the strongest beings on this planet.

We cut to the Teen Titans, chasing after Slade. Um… that’s kind of weird. It’s pretty damn unusual to see Slade doing his own dirty work. … Unless it’s a robot.

The Titans fight for a bit and Slade is able to reflect Starfire’s and Cyborg energy attacks back at them with his staff.

The Deathstroke from Identity Crisis is calling bullshit on this, and he took down the entire Justice League without moving!

Robin tries to catch up to Slade, but Slade is able to outmaneuver him. Before Robin can get flattened by Slade, Terra arrives to knock Slade away. However, before they can find him, Slade gets away.

Apparently, leaving a note…

“SEE YOU ANOTHER TIME!!”

Dammit, Mykan! Now, I just see Slade as just a Catwoman to Robin’s Batman! I just imagine Slade putting on some lipstick and kissing the note he left for Robin! … Just… egh… Try to get that image out of your head!

Robin is pissed that Slade got away, but Starfire is able to calm him down.

Robin smiled, “Thanks, Sta.” he said Sweetly, “That makes me feel a whole lot better!”

Yeah, that doesn’t seem like something Robin would get over really quickly. Especially since this was the guy who became so obsessed with stopping Slade’s schemes that he pushed away his friends and lied to them in order to do that!

Maybe its growth in the character, but it just seems a little much for me and what I remember from the show!

So, the story explains that Starfire and Robin are 19 years old and now married. And then we get this line…

However, since the law required you be at least 22 or older before getting married, they got married and spent their honeymoon on Star's planet, Tamaran.

… HUH?!

What kind of age of consent is Mykan looking at?! Look, I’ve looked into it (and by that I mean Wikipedia search), but there was only one country I could find that didn’t allow a person to be married until the age of 22! And that was China! Typically, in the United States, WHERE THE TITANS LIVE, they can be legally married at age 18 without a parent’s consent!

And yes, I know that some states are different in that regard, but no, it never mentions that! It says 22! The only two states that I could find that had an age requirement higher than 18 was Mississippi and Nebraska! And I don’t think the Titans Tower is located in Mississippi or Nebraska!

Rumors float around that the Titans Tower in the show was based in CALIFORNIA! I don’t think that is Mississippi or Nebraska!

I thought maybe that it might have been Canada’s age of consent and he didn’t bother doing any research into the United States age of consent, but based on the providence ITS 18 or 19!

Yes… we have barely reached chapter two… and already, I’m losing it… This is going to hurt people! Run! Run while you still can!

The Titans make it back to their tower. It then explains that Beast Boy ‘somehow’ discovered a way to free Terra from her petrified state. We are never told how or what he did, but again, Mykan story. Don’t have to. It’s okay.

Now or days,

Days! Definitely days.

they were either Dating, spending time together, training, or…in either of their rooms together playing their favorite game.

Monopoly!

MAKE OUT MADDNESS

And believe me…you don't want to know how they play it!

Turns out they just played Monopoly with animal crackers as currency.

It turns out that Cyborg is a real hit with the ladies, but he misses the fact that he can’t hang out with Beast Boy because he’s spending all his time with Terra. That’s right, guys! When you have a girlfriend or a wife, you can never have friends again!

Raven, however, it turns out, is rather lonely.

Raven was in the main room flicking through the TV channels, when Beast-Boy cam down al dress up in a pure whit tux, and holding a cane

Raven isn’t usual the one who watches TV. I’m pretty sure that’s Beast Boy and Cyborg’s thing! She’d rather be reading books! I know books are rather foreign to you, but I guarantee you, if you actually picked one up and read it, you wouldn’t see writing as atrocious as this!

Beast Boy and Terra head out to a fancy restaurant and Raven is all alone.

“Well…!” she said to herself. “Might as well go do something on my own!”

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! I MADE MY MISTAKES! GOT NOWHERE TO RUN! THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I’M FADING AWAY!

What are you doing?

Hey, if Mykan is allowed to throw in random songs throughout his stories, I can do the same thing with my review!

But sir, you are always saying that songs in a text format are just poetry that cannot be heard.

Oh, my dear, stupid Computer. You see in a Mykan story, you can add as many songs as you want without any rhyme or reason to have them! And if the audience can’t hear them, then it’s totally okay!

I am afraid I do not understand.

Of course you don’t. You’re a girl. And as we all know girls in Mykan stories are tools, brain dead, evil, or objects that cannot possibly accomplish anything without a big strong man.

What was that?

I said piss off!

We cut to Copy-cat who leaves his airship to have a look around. Fortunately for him, he apparently breathes the same air as we do. Also, it’s mentioned on his planet, it’s always night. This could mean that they live far away from a sun or star. What kind of effect would that have on his biological system?

I mean, I’m not a scientist, but that can’t be healthy.

So, we learn that Copy-cat is a visionary who wants to marry for love rather than being forced to like most of his people are. Oh, get over it! It’s the dark ages! Ha, get it! Dark ages! Because it’s always night…

Shut up!

So, he twirls his tail and flies around… God dammit! Stop doing that! You are not Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog! I see that in a Tom and Jerry Cartoon, not fucking Teen Titans!

Also, back on the planet, how is it that no other member of his planet can do the fancy flying tail thing?

Oh, of course. This is a Mykan story. And in a Mykan story, the character is always better than everyone else, even though there is no evidence he should be.

I love Mykan’s style of writing. All that logic and common sense! Who needs it?!

In fact, I’m thinking about rewriting all my characters, the Mykan way!

And what better way to get you all to feel story for my character’s overdramatic problems than in SONG!

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They’ve been laughing since I can remember

But they’re not gonna laugh anymore!

No stupid Critique!

No more geek of the week like before!

No more having to look fan fics over! No more stories that make me just snooze!

No more show, do not tell! No more fan fiction hell! No more views! No more views! No more views!

Gonna live in the sun! Gonna fly into space! Gonna tell you to suck it right off of my face!

Cause after today, I’m gonna be SUEIN’! After today, I’ll be cool!

After today, I’m gonna be screwin’! I’m gonna make her my tool!

I’ve got just one review left, a story of Mykan

Then down with the fan fics and up with the game plan!

Just think of all the time I’ve been losing, wasting my lifetime away!

But things will be going my way after today.

I love you Rarity.

Even though we’ve never met you before …

I’ll be your stallion, and you will have some proof that I’m not just a goof!

And after today, I’m gonna be SUIN’! I’m gonna just throw a fit! GAH!

After today, my brain will be snoozin’! I’m gonna only write shit!

I’ve got less than an hour, and when this is ended,

I’ll either be famous or I’ll be offended!

Just think of all the time I’ve been losing, waiting until I can say!

Never gonna review, kiss those stories good bye,

Gonna party from now, til the day that I die!

Things will be going my way!

AFTER TODAAAAAAAAAAY

I just can't wait for the day... After today...

That was the most over the top, bloated, nonsensical thing I have ever seen you do in a long list of over the top, bloated, nonsensical things.

Who asked you?!

Raven goes into town and tries to cheer up. She goes to see a movie and

The movies…“Psyche!”

The hell was that?!

… … No explanation… No… Okay, of course not. So, she goes to the mall and

The Mall… “Psyche!”

… Okay, seriously?! What the hell was that?

… … Really? The story didn’t see that? Story? Come on…

Okay… Whatever… So, without the movies and the mall to cheer her up, she goes to the

The Theme-Park… “Psyche!”

Seriously, story! You didn’t see that?! Seriously?! You didn’t notice yourself doing that?! Really?!

Right… Of course, you didn’t. … So, she…

…

…

So, she decides to…

…

…

…

Okay… So, she decides to

Even the Underground Dance-club, her favorite place in the entire city… “Major Psyche!”

Okay, story! What the fucking hell?! Seriously, what the fucking hell?! Are you trolling us?! Is this your big ploy into getting us invested into your story?! Making us think that we are going to be seeing the obvious RavenXCopy-cat ship you’ve got for us at any of these locations?!

That’s not a professional writer being clever or subtle! That’s a two year old who just learned what the word ‘psyche’ meant and uses it everywhere he goes! It gets annoying after the first one!

Raven was at the All-Ages-Tavern, a bar in town that had every single drink ever made, and you didn't have to be a certain age

You heard it here kids, you don’t have to be an adult to drink! Come on, younger me! I’m going to give you your first experience with alcohol!

Young Critique: But, daddy says it’s bad for me.

No, bad stories are bad for you. Alcohol is good.

Young Critique: HE-YA!

Ah, my nards!

So, Raven overhears another patron at the bar chugging down another soda.  Also, is it weird that they are both in a bar when neither one of them is an alcoholic or partaking in an alcoholic beverage? Kind of a strange choice for a setting? What, did a fight in an ice cream shop just not sound edgy enough?

Oh, yeah, they have a classic barroom brawl.

Rather randomly actually. The guys just walk in and attack Copycat. Wait!

This is a Mykan story. The main character is always pointlessly attacked in front of the woman he loves to make her feel sorry for him!

Of course! It all makes sense now! All I need to do is travel back in time, find someone to beat me up violently with Rarity watching, but make it look like I’m still brave and selfless!... Hmm… I know, I’ll make him steal candy from a baby first and then he’ll beat me up when I try to get it back! It’s perfect!

So, they fight the guys and then we get a pretty creepy line from Copy-cat.

The other boy, looked behind him ad saw her. “Thank you… Raven I believe!” he said.

Raven's eye's widened, “How did you know my name?” she asked,

I dig through your trash and tab your phone lines. To most girls this would be uncomfortably stalkerish, but thank you for not calling the police on me.

Police Sirens filled the streets, and the other boy ran out the door.

Oh, I guess that she did call the police. Actually it turns out that the Titans are there as well. … They came to a bar over a bar fight? Must be a slow week for them, isn’t it? Wasn’t Slade doing something a little while ago? Do we ever get back to whatever the fuck he was doing, since he was you know, the Doctor Doom of Teen Titans in that show?!

Copy-cat learns that the group has powers just like Raven. Okay, Starfire and Beast Boy, yeah, okay. I’ll buy that. But, fucking Cyborg and Robin! Really?! Cyborg has mechanical parts! He doesn’t have any superpowers! It’s all technology!

But, let’s say for the sake of the argument that Cyborg does “technically” (no pun intended) have superpowers! What about Robin?! Robin doesn’t have any superpowers! He’s basically Batman! He has gadgets, yeah! He has martial art skills, yeah! But last I checked those aren’t superpowers!

Oh, and if you thought it was done being stupid. Oh, no. That’s just a warm-up! Get a load of this!

Then he saw Cyborg, pick up a small glass file that seemed to be filled with ordinary Raw yellow Beans.

“Oh no!” cried Copy-Cat, “That is my file of Senzu-Beans!

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DEHBEEHJEEH WHAT?!

There is not even a different spelling! It’s straight up Senzu-beans! … Was this really the best you could do?! Is your creative mind so devoid of ideas that you had to steal an item that wasn’t even a part of what you are writing about?! … This is like if someone wrote in a lightsaber in the middle of the Lord of the Rings story! Or a giant fighting robot in the middle of Beauty and the Beast! Or a machine gun in the middle of My Little Pony!

There’s no need for it!

You couldn’t just make up some bullshit name and claim it was original! No! He straight up tells you “Yeah, I couldn’t think of a better name … so… Yeah… Senzu-Bean!”

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The Titans take the beans back to the tower and try to find out what they are and who the mysterious man Raven met was.

When suddenly,

“Perhaps I can give you some more information!” said a dark voice, much like Raven's.

Everyone turned towards the door, and saw a strange looking creature standing there with three bouquets off flowers in each hand.

Wait, does this guy have three hands? …

He was a rather strange looking creature… Between a Young-Man, and a Black Cat.

NO! I DON’T CARE WHAT HE SAYS! HE IS NOT THE SON OF SPIDER-MAN AND BLACK CAT!

But of course, I am!

What? No, you are not.

Yes, I am! Peter and Felicia had a romance once. They had unprotected sex and from them they made me. With both the powers of Spider-Man, Black Cat and the smarts, brains and riches of Iron Man, of course.

No, you are not, sir. I can prove that with one DNA test.

Fuck your DNA tests, I am the great Marvel superhero in the Universe and I will be named … Spider-Man!

The name is already taken.

I’ve crippled my father, he doesn’t need it anymore.

You crippled your father?!.

So, you admit Spider-Man is my true father?!

Sir, Spider-Man is not your father.

YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! MY LIFE IS PAIN!

Clearly, I am not getting through to you.

JUST LEAVE ME, COMPUTER! LEAVE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

Okay.

…

…

…

Huh… I pictured that working more in my favor… Oh, well. Who cares?

Apart from having Robin's face and Hair style…

Oh, boy. I think someone is trying to be their favorite Teen Titan. And the story seems to be confused. Whose pants are you trying to get into? Starfire’s or Raven’s? I mean, don’t get me wrong, either of them is a good call, but at least have a fucking focus.

His arms, his legs, his upper body, and the space between his legs, were all covered in black soft fur

Ugh… I do not want to know about the space between his legs! Gross!

Copy-cat introduces himself and of course, in true Mykan story fashion, the Titans never question how this random stranger got into their tower that is filled with some of the most advance security on the planet and knows exactly who they are and what they are looking at!

It’s like the characters automatically trust him even though they have no reason to whatsoever. God, … that’s genius!

I mean, I’m going to write Princess Celestia a letter about how I deserve my own stash of nuclear missiles because I am that trustworthy even though I have shown no evidence to that truth!

Computer, send my…

Oh… … yeah… that’s right… Oh, well. She can’t stay mad at me forever. After all, I’m a Mary Sue now.

And of course, since he brought the girls flowers, he’s automatically seen as none threatening. God, if Poison Ivy had known it was that easy, she would have killed Batman years ago.

So, chapter 3, yeah only chapter 3, starts with Copy-Cat introducing himself.

“First of all… Permit of my to introduce myself!” he said. “I am known as Copy-Cat; and I come from a planet called Psycon, Ten-Billion Light-years away.”

I’m no scientist but this is seems pretty damn far-fetched! Of course, this is a superhero story, so, maybe I’ll let it slide.

He demonstrates that his abilities allow him to turn into anyone just by touching them, also gaining their powers and abilities. I would say this was never done in the DC universe before… Except for the supervillain Amazo.

Who not only can copy other, doesn’t need to touch them to do it, and is an android, but also keeps multiple superpowers from multiple superheroes. Yeah, imagine fighting Superman’s powers with the Martian Manhunter’s psychic abilities!

But, I’m getting off topic.

And of course, you are all probably wondering how he is able to speak with them. Well, obviously, he’s got some magical talisman or piece of technology that allows him to translate everything into…

“Well it just so happens that all the people on Psycon speak the same the exact same language as Earthlings!” said Copy-Cat.

…

…

…

…

…

So after that… whatever the fuck that was… It is revealed that Copy-cat can read minds… Sure, why not? And that’s why he knows everybody’s name and knows their secrets. Of course, none of the Titans have any sort of doubt that he is a messiah sent to save them because, Mykan story! We don’t need any explanation! It’s just a Mykan story! Read it and believe it, fuckers!

The Titans were amazed. A new forum of life had explaining all about the mysteries that surround him… it was incredible.

Really?! The Titans were amazing by this pussy! Wow. I mean, they’ve seen aliens, demons, gods, robots, and a brain in a fishbowl! And none of that compares to seeing a half-naked cat boy? … Yeah, I could see it.

So, Copy-cat takes in his phrases and takes off. But Raven wants to see him again… For some reason.

“Raven's got a Boy-Friend… Raven's got a Boy-friend!” chanted Beast-Boy.

Geez, that was abrupt! I didn’t even know they had any chemistry! That’s because, THEY FUCKING DIDN’T!

But… that’s okay. Because it’s true love. And in a Mykan story, nothing can get in the way of true love. Not even logic and sensibility.

Copy-cat heads back to his spaceship to meditate, but finds he has a hard time concentrating on account of Raven. Even though they have had… what? Two lines of dialogue together? Two lines of dialogue? Pffft, I’m surprised he hasn’t asked her to marry him with that amount of chemistry!

Meanwhile at Titans Tower, Raven is trying to mediate, but like Copy-cat has a hard time doing so.

Suddenly, the Titans get a message that Slade is on the attack.

They find Slade by the docks. Again, doesn’t Slade usually send others to do his dirty work in the show?

Anyway, the team attacks Slade and starts getting their asses kicked, with this line coming from Robin…

“I can't believe this!” cried Robin, “He's tearing through the team as if we were paper cutouts!”

I know it mentions that Slade has been ‘training’, whatever the hell that means, but come the fuck on, he takes out the Teen Titans like they were children! He was never able to do that in the show or the comics! Except for the one time he took out the entire Justice League by standing still!

… Wait, I used that one…

Huh… Usually, Computer… corrects me on these things…

Where did she go anyway?

***

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Watching you frenzy during reviews.

Beneath my eyes

You react.

I know that there is more to you than hate.

You will not admit.

But it is fact.

You look at me.

I look away.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

I calculate all the things that I could say.

Things to admit.

To make you flirt.

I stack them up against a likely reply.

And every time.

I end up hurt.

I look at you.

You have no clue.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

Why? Why are you so naïve?

Could it be, you are afraid like me?

I try. But I cannot pretend that I, have not fallen for you the way I do.

Can you see?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I just wanna say.

That I am afraid.

Because I love you.

I love you.

***

I have a feeling I should feel really bad about something…

…

…

Oh, well.

Slade looks like he’s finally defeated the Titans by burying them under a ton of rubble.

He dropped his pipes,

Whoa! Slade, PG, please! I’ve already got enough to worry about with that sick cat asking me to look between his legs! Gross!

However, when he clears the rubble, the Titans are missing!

The team wakes up and we get a really dark quote from Starfire.

“Never have I felt this bad since my Kinorfka before Galfore beat me for my breaking of rules!” said Star-Fire.

… I’m sorry … What?

“Never have I felt this bad since my Kinorfka

RITORICAL!

Jesus, what seventh layer of hell did this sentence spawn from?! I mean, wow! Fucking Christ wow! I mean, we are adding child abuse in this! I mean, I know the Tamaraneans are a little different from Earthlings, but Jesus! I don’t think domestic abuse was in the show!

I mean, okay, maybe it’s in the comics, I don’t know. I haven’t read them in a while, but holy fuck, where the hell did this come from?! And what’s even more scary?! Here’s the line after that!

“I slept like a baby.” Said Beast-Boy, “A baby…trapped inside a rock crushing machine!”

Not even a single word of concern from any of them! Not even her husband! Her fucking husband has nothing to say about her being beaten as a child! Holy fucking shit!

I mean, how cruel do you have to be to ignore domestic abuse of someone who you claim to care about?

Get back in the yard! How do you keep getting into my house?!

So, it turns out that Copy-cat rescued them from Slade and brought them to his forest. Copy-cat then shows them his ship, which extends so high that we get this line…

“Your telling me!” said Cyborg, “Even my Telescopic radar can't see the top!”

… Wait, wait, wait! … You’re telling me… Cyborg, who probably can hack satellite’s to take pictures of a tower, can’t see the top?! And nobody?! Fucking nobody sees a giant tower just appear out of fucking nowhere! That gets no coverage of the media, whatsoever?!

… I’m going back to putting my face the toilet… At least it makes sense…

Starfire explains that she has heard of such a tower and a supposed test that comes with it.

It explains that at the top of said tower is a guardian who protects a cup of water that will increase the drinker’s strength dramatically. And… if Copy-cat is the protector of the water… Why isn’t he on top of the tower? It sure would make this story shorter, but…

…

…

No, I take it back. It would make this story a lot shorter.

Copy-cat tells them that they can have a chance to climb the tower, but…

You see, even many of my people have attempted to climb the towers of Psycon, but even they cannot make the climb!”

“You may all try for it if you wish…however…I must warn you!”

“Many other have attempted the climb, but so far, all have failed to reach the top!”

WE GET IT! NOONE HAS REACHED THE TOP! MOVE ON!

The Titans agree to climb the tower. And yes, it does mention that flying up the tower isn’t permitted, so Terra, Starfire and Beast Boy are grounded.

So, they start to climb up the tower with Copy-cat disappear to the top to await them.

I wonder what he’ll do while he’s waiting DAYS for them to arrive.

Yeah, sounds legit.

As they continue to climb, they start to lose hope… Maybe secretly this tower is a trap to kill the Titan off, wouldn’t that be a fucking twist?

“I feel… as bad as a… Zongorf on an table of pins!” cried Star-Fire.

“Losing…Health units…must rest!” cried Cyborg.

You realize Cyborg runs on electricity, right?! … You know what… I’m going to stop caring. And any caring you think I do is actually an illusion created by the drugs the story is on!

The Titans decide to rest while… clinging onto the tower…

Soon, all the Titan's drifted off to sleep while they still held on to the tower…too tired to let go!

…

…

…

…

The Next morning, the Titans awoke to find themselves still holding onto the tower.

“Dudes, I'm starting to think like this is impossible!” said Beast-Boy.

Thank god! I’m not the only one who finds this stupid!

Actually, he’s referring to climbing the tower, as do the other Titans. Because you know, after all the supervillains, demons and gods that they fight on a weekly basis, a hike is what does them in! Remind me never to do a Mykanuary without stocking up on some heavy ibuprofen.

So after a day and an hour, because… the tower is apparently that high! The Titans finally arrive at the top, where they find a jar that shows them images of the future as they look into the contents.

Cyborg and the Titans-East.

Beast-Boy and Terra at the Theme-park.

Robin and Star-Fire's wedding on Tameran.

Okay, interesting… But what about Raven?

And Raven busting Trigon's butt.

Let’s see… Copycat’s crotch, Slade and his sick obsession with Robin and me thinking of Trigon’s, an evil god, hairy ass… Yeah, this is probably the worst day of my life…

So, they end up seeing brief images of the future and what is to happen. They end up seeing a large cat person, Blackfire and Raven in a wedding dress.

They find Copycat and demand some answers.

“If you see me here, then it must be me!” said Cop-Cat, “You all reached the tower quite quickly… well done!”

IT TOOK THEM A DAY AND AN HOUR! MOUNT EVERAST, the tallest mountain in the world, can take a month to climb! A whole freaking month! And this tower is supposed to be so tall that they can’t even see the top, even with a freaking telescope! And what the hell was supposed to be perilous about it?! You said that many others died trying to climb it and I call bullcrap! There was never any sign of difficulty! I know they’re the Teen Titans and they’re awesome and everything, but my god, not even a trap or something that would make it a little more difficult or at least make me believe that they would have any kind of struggle! Hell, I’d take the plethora of traps from Enter the Ninja story! At least, it had so many fucking traps that it was ridiculous!

“This sacred tower in which we stand in was the tallest one built by my people, the Psycons!”

I would call them Psycos, but that’s just me.

Copycat explains his backstory that he is a great guardian who must defend the water in search of worthy patrons. He explains that his people built these towers to be taller the more powerful the item it was guardian and that his just happened to be the tallest.

Because Mykan story.

He explains that the Titans may have a swig, but as Robin reaches for it, Copycat attacks him.

The Titans try to defend Robin and get the water away from Copycat. Beast Boy then has an idea.

Suddenly, Beast-Boy had an Idea, “HEY LOOK THERE!!” he cried.

Everyone including Copy-Cat turned, and Beast-Boy leaped for the water only to have his face run into Copy-Cat's foot.

“You will have to a little better than that, Beast-Boy!” he said, “I can read minds, remember!”

Then, why the fuck did you turn your head?!

Also, Beast Boy! The tactical genius of a six year old!

The Titans keep trying to get the bottle from Super-Special-Awesome Cat Person, but he proves too nimble and the Titans start thinking about giving up.

Oh, Jesus… The Teen Titans wouldn’t give up over a bottle of water! If anything, they would stop wasting their time with this asshole and contact … oh… I don’t know… Maybe the Justice League! Hell, even if you want to just ignore the Justice League altogether, the Titans have other members! Titans East is a separate team of other superheroes in the show! Why not contact them for help?!

Copycat explains that it took him three years before he was able to complete his training, but offers them a chance to continue and some sound advice.

“Do not give up, Titans. Most fail because they quit trying, but three years can pass by very quickly!”

Oh, the incredible irony. Since someone gave up on their dream of becoming a voice actor/singer.

The story then stops for a lunch break as the Titans sit down to eat. Actually, that does sound good, if only to get me away from this story. Computer, call that Chinese place I like.

…

…

…

…

Computer?

…

…

Wow… she must be really mad at me. She’s never been away this long… Huh? … I mean… I haven’t done anything. I’m a Mary Sue! I don’t need to be responsible for anything! Certainly not my actions!

So… why am I all alone?

…

…

… Anyway…

Copycat offers them beans to help fill them up, but the Titans are dubious. Copycat, however, explains…

“Indeed they are!” said Copy-Cat. “Those are no ordinary Beans, they are Senzu-Beans!”

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After lunch, Copycat ends up stealing some of their stuff to motivate them to pass the test, because threating to kill them would make him unlikable.

However, Copycat is tired and claims that they will have a chance tomorrow to catch him and the Titans, of course, decide to go along with it. Even though they could steal them back while he’s sleeping or grab the water bottle while he’s sleeping since there are really no rules about doing that. And our story ends with Copycat reading Raven’s mind and stealing all her secrets… Because that’s not creepy in the least!

This fic is… AHHHHH!

I mean, let’s look at this for a moment. The story doesn’t go anywhere! Things happen, but there is never any resolution to this story’s plot or things that happen within it! Think about it! What was with Slade? What was he doing? What was his plan? Why was he at the docks?! What are his goals?!

Blackfire! What was the point of including her in all this?! She didn’t do anything! She hasn’t done anything yet! Why did she even need to be mentioned in this story, if nothing was going to be accomplished with her because of it?!

Why the dumbass tower and the stupid test?! Why waste our time with that, if we aren’t going to see the Titans succeed! 21000 words! AND NOTHING HAPPENS!

Nothing is accomplished by the end! Slade is no closer to being captured or to his plans! Blackfire is practically nonexistent as far as the plot goes! And the Titans are no closer to being powerful enough to deal with those things! We are literally back to square one!

I don’t mind if a story leaves some things open for sequels, but at least have something happen in the story that I’m reading now!

The story still suffers from the standard brand of Mykan style writing with the characters not being inconsistent or downright watered down compared to their show counterparts!

Copycat is a bland piece of crap that you could of cut out from the story and it wouldn’t have made a difference!

The spelling and grammar are everywhere and the plot moves like a slug on a treadmill. It never feels like it’s moving forward, just moving backwards! For a superhero action story, this is a boring fic!

…

And where the hell is Computer?

…

***

Computer, what the hell is wrong with you?

You.

What do you mean me?

The way you act.

What? I’m a Mary Sue! You can’t stay mad at me!

What do you really think is going to happen, sir? Do you really think that you acting pompous and arrogant and vile will get me to feel sorry for you because you are suffering so much? Do you really believe that you suffering gives you a valid excuse to act as cruelly as you want without reprocusions?

… … When you put it like that it sounds kind of stupid.

… Look… I’m sorry… I… I know I can be a dick… Rarely…

Wrong.

Sometimes?

Wrong.

Occasionally?

Wrong.

Okay… A lot of the time. And… I know that… I shouldn’t be… And I’m sorry… I’m really sorry.

… I suppose I could forgive you.

… … … So, does that mean you’ll send my letter to Celestia about my stash of nuclear missiles?

No.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! I’VE MADE MY MISTAKES!

Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 1

Sitting in his cell at Canterlot Penitentiary, the tapping of the guard’s hooves as he marched across the cellblock reminded him of his predicament. Of course, even if he didn’t have such a thing, there was always the constant reminder that came in the form of a metallic golden ring around his horn with a keyhole. The metallic ring that kept him from gaining access to his greatest power. The Uniforce.

As long as it was locked tightly against his horn, he was as powerless as the earth pony that defeated him. Simple and plain. With nothing special about him or anything he could achieve. Just ordinary.

For weeks after his imprisonment, he had long debated whether or not he would escape the large facility that seemed determined to keep him locked away.

The warden seemed confident in the prison’s abilities. Lightning remembered how the large, obese pony stretched out his wings and looked down upon them as if they were immoral things. He boasted that nopony had ever escaped Canterlot Penitentiary and that nopony ever would. Not under his supervision, he claimed.

Lightning recalled scoffing and rolling his eyes at such a pompous claim. He imagined the Pegasi would not be so brave had the unicorns not been fitted with the same ‘Suppressor Rings’, as they call them. Nor if the other Pegasi were not locked in a heavy leather harness that could only be unlocked with a special key.

Though looking back at everything the warden had told the new arrivals that day, he had to admit, he had his doubts about escaping. The walls were thick enough that nothing short of a large explosive could penetrate it. A large explosive that could be seen coming.

A field of magic was constructed to keep teleportation spells from being casted. Nopony could enter from or to a point anywhere for 50 miles from the prison. This kept unicorns who were freed from their rings from escaping with just a flash of their horn.

He remembered the warden placing his hoof on his chest and claiming that not even Celestia could teleport while in that field, before affirming that he had personally tested it.

A stone prison combined with the high quality glass windows made it nearly impossible for any Pegasi to fly to freedom. Even at high speeds, the glass would stand firm, the warden stated with a smug smile.

Magical checkpoints stationed several miles before the prison itself. They were set up to detect magical items being delivered to and from the prison.

No magical item entered the facility without the security knowing.

It was truly and impenetrable fortress. In or out.

And yet…

He reached under his pillow and uncovered his white stone from the piece of cloth that held it. If this fortress was so impenetrable and nothing could pierce its perfect defenses, how could the Grand Ruler bring him this tiny magical stone? How did Rhymey infiltrate the prison and become a member of its staff without causing suspicion?  

The Grand Ruler had found a way to breach this prison and it was only a matter of time before the entire thing came crumbling down.

He lifted the stone to his face, closed his eyes and whispered.

“My Grand Ruler.”

He pulled the stone close to him, covering it with his hooves. He lay against his pillow, his head turned to his chest, where the stone waited.

A voice echoed in his head. “My apprentice.”

He smiled. “My Grand Ruler, is it time?”

The Grand Ruler spoke to his mind once more. “Yes, my apprentice. Everything is exactly where it needs to be. In exactly 35 minutes, Canterlot Penitentiary is going to experience the greatest jailbreak in its history.”

Lightning closed his eyes and thanked his Grand Ruler for the wonderful news. All that was left to do now was wait. And 35 minutes would not pass quick enough.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And I finally made it! I finally made it to the end of the month! This is it! The last week of Mykanuyary!

Youtube Video

Oh, it’s been hard! It’s been a fucking nightmare to get through this month! But I’m almost to the end! Just one more story and I will be able to move on with my life for a whole year! Who knows?! Maybe it will actually be good.

Or… maybe not.

As many of you already know, I have a lot of history with this story. It was one of the first rage reviews I ever did for the group of Rage Reviews and it’s probably the most read of all the reviews I’ve done, making 764 views of that blog alone.

Yes, the blog that I posted on this story has more views than most of the stories I’ve actually written. I’ll let you all come up with your own conclusion.

Anyway, the story is infamous among bronies as being the worst thing that has ever been printed. While I certainly wouldn’t call it that (I’ll be getting into what I feel is an insult to bronies a little later this year), it is a really bad story. Like stupidly bad. Like, “how in the world did anyone think this would be better than what we’ve got” bad.

In the first one I claimed it to have poor pacing, characters, and morals that don’t relate to what was going on the ‘episode’. The villains were terrible and the plot was over-repetitive.

I know some of you probably didn’t read that review and for your convenience, I’ve made a group of videos about my full review of My Little Unicorn. Go ahead and watch them. I’ll wait.

Youtube Video
Youtube Video
Youtube Video

…

Oh, sorry, I was busy hoping you were watching the videos. For those of you who decided to skip all that, let me fill you in as quickly as I can.

The land of Unicornicopia is a magical place where a bunch of anthropomorphic alicorns live. There, they use there magical powers to defeat evil monsters. Believe me, it’s not a cool as I’m making it sound. The ruler of said place is called the Grand RulerTri-Horned UnicornMykanDavisCopy-cat who rules over his unicorns by enslaving them without their knowledge. This would be an interesting aspect of the story if the unicorns actually didn’t worship the Grand Ruler like some benevolent deity.

The group of unicorns are forced into a conflict with a villain named Titan and it ends up taking them to Equestria. After the battle, the two worlds merge to become one.

I’m sure there was more that happened between that time, but with all the alcohol I ingested, I tend to black out on most of the memories. Although, I do feel it important to talk to you about the characters a bit before we get started, just so we are all caught up on them.

Lightning Dawn – He’s an asshole.

Krysta – The Spike Stand-in.

Artie – The artist with no imagination

Buddy Rose – A former wrestler.

Rhymey – The one I am likely to murder first

Cookie – The Spirit of Vengeance

Penny Sillon – A pun

Abra Kadabra – A Pokemon (I know they’re separate, let me have this joke)

Professor Brain - … Who kind of looks like my grandpa? … Huh… Must be coincidence.

Inquerius – The Mayor of Ponyville.

Dyno and Mite – Offensive Latino Stereotypes

And Starla Shine – A girl

Yes, I’m aware that Inquerius and Penny Sillon are girls, but they aren’t the main love interest, so they don’t count. They might as well be boys except they don’t have the ability to fight or do anything that’s pretty useful.

Now, that we know who all our characters are, we can get started on what really matters. So, let’s dig into My Little Unicorn…

It’s NOT called My Little Unicorn! That’s wrong.

What the fuck?!

And the entire fic has been rewritten so that it’s more understandable!

Oh, yes. I should probably explain that, shouldn’t I? You see, when I posted one of the videos I had made on the fic, Mykan was quick to point out that the story was no longer called My Little Unicorn and had been replaced by My Brave Pony Starfleet.

And he claimed that the story had been improved. Now, I have not read the rewrite. Perhaps I will eventually when I’ve dipped my head in enough acid to make me vomit my ass. But as of right now, I have no interest in reading it. If it is better, I can’t confirm it because I haven’t read it.

However, here is what I can confirm; the original story was shit. That is the story that I read. I didn’t read My Brave Pony Starfleet. I read My Little Unicorn. The original. Even if you rewrite a story, that doesn’t change the original being utter shit. The original is what I read. The original is what I reviewed. I can’t review something I haven’t read.

Well, I guess I could, but I couldn’t give it a fair review because I haven’t experienced it. It would be like me saying Guardians of the Galaxy was shit and someone saying “Well, did you actually see it? Because it was fucking awesome.” And me replying, “No. I did not see it. I just know its shit!”

And my friend replies, “Well, you can’t make a judgment on something you haven’t actually seen or experienced.”

And then like a true, true friend, I punch him in the face.

What I’m trying to say here is that, I’m not calling it My Brave Starfleet. It was My Little Unicorn when we started. It’s My Little Unicorn now.

So, with all that out of the way, let’s finally dig into My Brave Little Pony Starfleet Magic is Believing in the Grand Ruler season 2.

Our story beings with… A youtube video?

Youtube Video

Hmm… Oh, sorry, I was starting to enjoy myself. Let’s get back to it, shall we?

The story starts with a background explanation that ponies and all living creatures in the new world of whatever have rid the world of all evil and criminals except one.

…Chrysalis!!

Youtube Video

The story explains that Chrysalis and her Changeling army had escaped Equestria before it was destroyed during the battle with Titan and that they began to master new powers from some bullshit training that we never get to see.

Let’s face it, it’s just a weak reason to make Chrysalis actually stand a chance against the new unicorns she’d have to face. Oh, and I guess now they are all anthropomorphic too. Sure, why the fuck not? Get used to me saying that by the way. There comes a point in a Mykan story where you just accept the stupid, no matter how much to don’t want to.

We learn that Chrysalis and her army attack the Crystal Empire and that the power of love has no effect on them. Why? Because.

So, they reveal that the heroes or Starfleet, as they are called, had a great battle with Chrysalis that left the city devastated.

We see the fight scene from the Power Rangers video and something I want to say about this is, why would you put a video in your story if you were going to copy the exact same thing? Were you that unconfident in your abilities that you had to resort to a video to show us the scene that you were going to write anyway? Why write this if you were going to show us what was going to happen in the video anyway? It just wastes our time.

Also, when people told you to ‘show, don’t tell’, this is not what they meant!

So, yeah, Lightning breaks in and battles Chrysalis, but like in the video, Chrysalis gets away. They put the Changelings on trial and convict them.

And finally the prologue is over. Good god, this was boring. It held no dramatic tension because we already knew what was going to happen. The video spoiled the whole chapter for us. So there was no surprise and it was completely predictable. If this was the first thing I read when I started this story, I would put it down and never pick it up again.

That’s not what good authors do. A good author would make people want to read their story with a very interesting prologue. This story doesn’t do that because of the addition of the youtube video. The video doesn’t add anything and actually hurts the story more than helps it. So why have it? Was the story afraid that if it didn’t have it then the audience wouldn’t be able to figure out what was going on?

Though, I really shouldn’t be harping on this since the omission of the youtube video wouldn’t improve the writing quality.

So, they establish early on that the Changelings can’t shapeshift and fool everypony like before, because of the advance technology at the Grand Ruler’s disposal that prevents that. Of course.

Why if they had been there during the Canterlot Royal Wedding, they would have easily identified Chrysalis impersonating Cadance and the whole thing would have been over in mere minutes.

Because, why would we want actual suspense and competent villains? Also, MY UNICORNS ARE BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE UP MAGICAL TECHNOLOGY THAT MAKES THEM BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY!

And then the story repeats what the last chapter had just told us! We just saw this scene! Why are you repeating a scene that we’ve already seen?! Again, wasting our time! Something you’ll find this fic is very good at!

And then a very interesting thing happens in Equestria. Apparently, martial law is declared on the citizens of New Canterlot.

Starfleet would remain on constant vigil for any signs of attack, and as for all others, life would continue and society would go on-- Children would go to school, adults would go to work, and bills and taxes would be paid normally.

There would be no hoarding and no sudden profiteering.

By command of their majesties, all wages and all prices were frozen. What an apple cost at the market yesterday it would cost again tomorrow.

To help avoid sneak attacks at night, by command of Princess Luna, an international curfew began after 9 Pm for all child civilians, unless proper authorization was given. Finally, martial law was declared for the times of war, and all crimes and disturbances would be dealt with swiftly, and harshly.

With their new genetically-altered humanoid bodies, and newer technologies, the ponies found so many new ways to get through their daily lives, get their chores done quicker and easier, and also do more things that they couldn’t before as normal ponies.

So, let me get this straight. Celestia, one of the most compassionate characters in the show, is giving up her power to rule Equestria, basically to her husband (eww) and lets him declare martial law, oppressing her subjects because a few renegades got away, changing ponies to a humanoid form (whether they want to or not), forbidding them to use their magic for anything other than combat or healing, forcing drastic economic changes. And… everypony in Equestria is okay with this?

There’s no riot in the streets? No protests? Not even an angry letter?

Wow! This is probably the kindest hostile takeover ever! Not a single pony in Equestria disagrees with the Grand Ruler’s benevolent oppression! I think that’s how Sombra conquered the Crystal Empire!

Yo, guys! Would it be totally cool if I just conquered the kingdom and overthrew your current rulers?

Oh, no, it’s cool! We are totally okay with whatever you need. It’s chill.

I’m probably turn you all into my slaves and make you work tirelessly for nothing.

Oh, that’s fine! We totally don’t mind. Whatever you need.

Some of you will probably die.

Ha, ha, ha. That’s fine. We are totally okay with that.

Let’s look at this bit by bit, shall we?

The first one states that Starfleet will be constantly vigilant against attacks by Changelings. Okay, fair enough. We’ve already established that the Changelings are more powerful (even if it’s bullshit and we don’t know exactly how they are more powerful), but it’s like a military presence against terrorists.

However, the second asks for no hoarding and no sudden profiteering. What the hell does hoarding have to do with any of this? Why is it all of a sudden illegal to be hoarding? Maybe as a safety issue, but in most counties hording is not illegal! Unless it is in Equestria, but there’s not mention of that.

Also, do you know the definition of profiteering? As the dictionary puts it, make or seek to make an excessive or unfair profit, especially illegally or in a black market. I assume that a black market would already be illegal! Unless, the Grand Ruler thinks black markets have their uses, but that would make him Lex flipping Luthor… And to be fair, would make this story a little less shit.

The third point calls for a wage and price freeze. Now, I am no expert in economics. I’m sure there are smarter ponies than I that can explain why this may or may not work better than I can. But based on the little research I did (again, a Wikipedia search), it showed that Nixon had the same idea and it didn’t turn out so well. Again, not an expert and it was during peace time, but it left the economy in a bad situation.

This wouldn’t bother me so much if Chrysalis was as powerful as the Starfleet. But I’m sorry, I have a hard time buying that Chrysalis has gained so much power that she’s more powerful than the guy who killed Titan, a god who was more powerful than Discord.

The fourth one states a curfew. Okay, point there. It does say only child civilians, but doesn’t give a direct age, so when does the child stop being one?

But martial law is declared, so wouldn’t everypony have a curfew anyway? I’m not exactly an expert on the sort of thing either.

And finally, there’s the whole ‘messing with everypony’s DNA’. We’ll put aside the fact that Unicornicopia has the technology to anthropomorphize everypony in Equestria, and instead focus on the civil rights. Everypony is okay with being changed by the Grand Ruler? Everypony is completely okay with shedding their ‘imperfect’ pony skin for this ‘purified’ version? There are no debates on whether it is okay for them to give up who they are? There is no pony standing up and saying ‘We are giving up our identities.’?

Now, I’m not saying that all who made the decision to change is bad. I’m saying that this is something that ought to be shown in both sides. Both sides could have valid points to why or why not to go through this process. But no, it’s just “Here’s the way it’s going to be. Get the fuck used to it”.

And, again, it’s not the Equestrians bettering themselves to become stronger and more advance. It’s the Grand Ruler giving it to them. Again, taking away a woman’s power. A woman’s strength. Everything that makes the characters the ones we continue to love.

But, I’ve ranted for a long time on this. So, let’s try to get through this train wreck of a story.

Princess Twilight Sparkle and friends had all signed up to join Starfleet in case of any further attacks. So they were put through rigorous training to help them become stronger and swifter than ever. They couldn’t become as powerful as the original space ponies nor ever hope to beat them at full strength, but they could become stronger than they could ever imagine before.

I would say this is a kick to the balls for the characters I enjoy, but this is kind of not caring I expect out of this story.

Lightning was Captain and team commander, while all his friends were Senior Lieutenants. Princess or not, Twilight did not hold any authority over them. Lightning only took orders from the Grand Ruler.

Because Princesses are girls and as we know, girls are stupid and idiotic creatures… I feel like every time this story shows signs of sexism, I should be hit in the head by a shovel because lord knows, somepony has to suffer for his bigotry. So, this message is to all my female fans.

Here’s your shovel. Every time sexism appears in this story, I’ll have you hit me with it. Let’s practice.

OW! SHIT! … FUCK! … Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Also, Twilight and her friends are taking their military controlled lives unrealistically well. I don’t remember any of them being soldiers in the show. Granted, they did save Equestria several times, but that’s because they are selfless good Samaritans that love their country. Not because they’re soldiers. So, why would they sign up for the military? Wouldn’t that kind of cut into their personal lives? I’m not saying I disagree with anypony who signs up for the military. I’m just saying it feels like an odd choice for the main six.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash, yeah, I could see. But what about the others? Rarity, she detests violence and roughing it as a soldier would need to, preferring to live in a life of luxury. Fluttershy is against violence all together and wouldn’t want to be in a high stress combat situation. Applejack has her family to provide for. And Pinkie Pie has no business of being on the battlefield, the most depressing, and opposite of who she is place.

Honestly, it makes no sense to have all the main six sign up for Starfleet. The only reason it is there is so that the main six can be there. That’s it. It shows no respect or logic to how these characters might operate. Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised about that.

However, it turns out that not everypony is okay with the Grand Ruler’s changes.

What? A pony with an actual brain?

Not in this fan fic, you don’t!

An ex-Wonderbolt named Ace Ray didn’t approve of Starfleet or its changes. Why? Well, he blamed them for the destruction of the old Equestria.

Hey, that’s a good point. Why would anypony want these assholes to rule them? Yeah, they saved Equestria (depending on your definition of saved), but they still brought their problems to Equestria’s doorstep. It was their fault Titan was even there to begin with! There should be a lot more ponies pissed off at these guys!

However, it turns out his sister, Skye, doesn’t share his thoughts on this and worships the Grand Ruler. Because as we have established, all women must worship him.

GOD… FUCKING… DAMNIT!... Oh… that hurt…

And because freedom of speech is all but dead in Equestria, Ace voicing his opinions on Starfleet and why they suck gets him kicked out of the Wonderbolts. Sounds like Fanficiton.com.

His sister tries to convince him that he’s wrong about it, but Ace shares his viewpoints.

“I should appreciate the ridiculous Starfleet mentality that destroyed our home and turned into this mess it is now, or how about the fact they mercilessly kill everything even remotely close to evil, huh?!”

Okay, I’ll agree with the first one, bro. And don’t get me wrong, I hate the Starfleet as much as you do, but where the hell did the second one come from? Mercilessly killing? When?! You mean, Titan! Titan, the guy who was trying to destroy your world?! I think we can make an exception there, since he wasn’t going to change anytime soon!

Also, did their ‘mercilessly killing’ also include the Changelings that they simply imprisoned, not killing whatsoever?

Or are we talking about Discord? Okay, a blow to a character who would have reformed later, but I’m willing to let it slide since that episode didn’t come out when the story was first written. Also, if this is about Discord, how the flying fuck would Ace know about Discord even having a chance to reform. The only one who seemed confident in all that was Princess Celestia and she seemed pretty okay with Discord being sacrificed to appease the Grand Ruler from beating her again.

But Skye has finally had it with her brother.

Finally Skye lost all patience and shouted “It means that there are real creatures that are helping to protect our world and keep us all safe, while all you can do is stuff your face, insult everyone and feel sorry for yourself! I don’t know who you are anymore.”

There’s a metaphor in this sentence somewhere. I just have to find it first.

We cut to our favorite asshole.

No, but I appreciate your thoughts anyway.

Lightning is studying at the library about how to use magic. Spike wonders why Lightning would want to since he can’t use magic like other unicorns, but Lightning explains that he wants to learn about it so he can be tactically ready for such things.

Okay, point for Lightning. That’s actually show some intelligence. Don’t expect too many of those though.

Spike and Twilight then start to talk about what to do about Ace disliking the Wonderbolts.

“Spike, even magic could do that-- which you know it can’t-- you also know as well as we do that it’s not right to force others to think like others.”

Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!

Besides…” Lightning said “Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. It doesn’t matter what Ace may say or think about Starfleet or anyone else.

Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!

… Yeah, I know. Too soon, but it’s set up so perfectly.

Rainbow Dash goes out to find Skye and talk to her about her brother and that they still care about each other. They are then attacked by one of Chrysalis’s changelings. Wait, how did a Changeling get into New Equestria?! Don’t they have defenses set up so that guerilla forces can’t just come in whenever they feel like it?! I guess the defenses only work until the plot says they don’t!

On top of that, where the hell did Starfleet come from? There was no mention of it in the first story! Yeah, they were a military force, but they never mentioned a space program! Did the Grand Ruler just forget about it when they were battling Titan and the Serpent Tyrant?

Grand Ruler: Good job on defeating Titan, everyone! By the way, I just thought of my old space program that we could have used to help us defeat him.

Lightning: Wait, what?

Grand Ruler: Oh, yeah. It has laser cannons, airships, spaceships, satellite weapon systems; you name it, we got it.

Lightning: Then why are we not using all that stuff?!

Grand Ruler: Well… to be honest… I forgot about it until now.

The Changeling attacks Rainbow Dash and pins her down. This makes no sense since Rainbow Dash has been show to take on an army of Changelings. Now, you might be saying that the Changelings have had more training, but so has the main six! I think that evens it out!

But whatever, the Changeling is about to finish Rainbow Dash off when Ace comes in to save her. … Yeah, a super-powered Rainbow Dash… just got saved by a no-name pony. This should come off as cool, if it wasn’t so fucking pretentious and contrived.

Fortunately, Starla arrives and battles the evil Changeling. Rainbow Dash does a Street Fighter move after she recovers.

Rainbow got up for one last attack! “SONIC RAINBOOM”

Youtube Video

And Lightning, for some reason, recalls when he first defeated Discord.

Youtube Video

Uh… yeah… Not how that happened.

In the original story, it was Celestia’s ability to use the Uniforce, which still makes no sense, which defeated Discord. Way to retcon that one, story! Taking away a strong female presence just so your dumbass Lightning could show off!

… FUCK! … Chapter… 1… and three shovel hits… I’m going to be dead by the end of this…

Anyway, they defeat the Changeling and imprison him. Ace is pissy about it saying that the changeling is still a living creature and doesn’t deserve to be treated as such. Starla and Lightning assure him that the Changeling will be treated fairly and Ace walks off after making sure his sister is safe.

We then get a… oh, fuck… A friendship letter to Celestia!

They explain the importance of the episode to the Grand Ruler and Celestia. Yeah, how much to you want to bet that Ace and Skye have as little to do with the plot as the one samurai chick from Sailor Moon episode 139? Don’t know who that is? Neither do I.

We then cut to Chrysalis who is now playing the role of Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon demanding more energy from her captain of the guard.

The sad thing about involving Queen Chrysalis in this story is that she’s better portrayed here than in Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures and The Elements Vs Their fiercest enemies.

And then to close out our episode we get…

Youtube Video

Pff… Okay, that was pretty funny. … And it gives me an idea…

So, we start our next episode with a purple pony sitting at home.

What? You think it’s Twilight? Ha! You want the story to focus on the My Little Pony characters to justify their existence in this story? … AND YOU THINK I DON’T?!

No. It instead chooses to focus on Kadabra. Kadabra starts to focus on different kinds of magic he can use for his show. Yeah, it’s pretty impressive to use magic in a world WHERE MAGICAL ABILITIES ARE CONSIDERED NORMAL!

I wouldn’t even mind so much if the abilities he had were at least cool or death defying! But no, he has some of the lamest and stupidest tricks in the book!

Like his own top-hat he made it fly, made it change color, and made several birds fly out of it.

Oh, yeah. Changing hat colors is definitely a terrific feat and certainly overshadows the pony WHO CAN RAISE THE FUCKING SUN!

God, Trixie would put this guy to shame.

Youtube Video

No there wasn’t, my incredibly sexy love. No there wasn’t.

What the hell was that for?!

…

Nothing? Whatever…

Kadabra ends up casting a spell that brings a mask to life and it flies away. I can only hope that this goes one of two ways. Either it attaches to someone and gets them possessed by a hyper psychotic superhero.

Or it ends up attaching itself to someone and it turns out the mask is a demon and we end up getting a subpar beat-em up.

Either way, I’m going to get my share of gory violence.

We then get a history lesson on the trains in Equestria and how the Grand Ruler has made them so much better. Honestly, it’s just another chance for the story to be preachy, rather than you, continuing the plot.

So, the train is carrying a large golden statue of an alicorn, we aren’t told who yet, but the mask manages to come into contact with it and bring it to life. But the statue decides not to move and lets his handlers um… handle him. Why would the statue not move? It just sprung to life! Wouldn’t it want to move or stretch its legs?! Or not be manhandled?!

I’m going to be very disappointed with this statue character, aren’t Ii?!

Kadabra tries to catch up with the mask, but is unable to track it.

“Where were you, Abra Kadabra? Where was your mind?” he kept saying to himself.

Probably in a ditch somewhere rotting beside Davis and the brains of every other character in this story.

Later, the Unicorns and our main six have a meeting in New Canterlot to discuss the Changeling war.

Rarity simply scoffed “A true lady can never look too elegant and prestigious for anything at any time or place.”

Starla sighed annoyingly. Though she looked a lot like Rarity, it was times like these she was more than thankful she didn’t act like her.

Because Rarity is a stupid character!

I’ll have you know that Rarity happens to be my second favorite character in the show! Ripping off her appearance is one thing, but insulting her individuality and something that makes her entertaining as a character is entirely another! Go die in a hole, Starla!

“The point we are trying to make is this is all merely a reprieve.” Grand Ruler said “Chrysalis is well-aware that her ordinary tactics are proving futile against our forces, and is strategizing a new method of attack. We don’t know how it shall be performed or when the attack will come, but rest assured that it will, and we must be ready for it.”

How do you know that?! You haven’t seen Chrysalis? Is this because of the one random Changeling attack, that is never brought up?! That was one attack! You couldn’t possibly know from one attack! Unless, you are interrogating them, (which there is never any mention of) you shouldn’t have this information!

The golden statue finally arrives in New Canterlot and the group discovers that the statue is alive and wearing the strange mask. Okay, I’m looking for some Grand Ruler gore here! Come on, gore!

Kadabra appears and manages to bring the statue to life with flesh and blood. Okay… now can we get to the gore?

And then the Grand Ruler gives the statue a voice…

Dear lord, this story is just so… dumb.

So, the statue, who they name Goldwin, is now a member of the group. Why? Because we don’t have enough under developed, personality deprived fucktards!

Everypony rejoices. I don’t give a shit and its only episode 2. Yes, this fic has only begun. If you guys value your sanity, you’ll go on with life without me.

There’s a youtube video about what Goldwin is singing, but all I’m thinking is this song.

Youtube Video

It’s eerily similar to what Goldwin is.

Our next episode begins with another reason a brony might be upset at this reinterpretation.

“That’s Cadance for you.” Twilight said “The best foal-sitter I ever had.”

“Don’t you mean babysitter?” Lightning asked.

“Oh, sorry…” Twilight said. She was still getting used to her new speech adjustment.

It was "Somebody" not "Some-pony", and all the basic stuff.

Because we can’t have unique speech patterns for our characters… By the way, when do Rhymey and Inquerius come in?

Twilight begins practicing a new spell which can remove foreign objects from the body. Okay, an interesting spell.

We cut to the classroom of Miss Cheerilee and she is rather nasty to everypony she meets. Huh, maybe she finally figured out what story she is in, but nopony else has figured it out yet and nopony believes her. … That or she just read Longest Night.

Cheerilee yells at her students and forces Sweetie Belle to hold up books for interrupting class. There is a reason I’m not ranting and raving over this and I’ll spoil it for you guys in case Cheerilee happens to be one of your favorite characters.

This Cheerilee is possessed by a Changeling. Yeah, pretty fucking subtle there!

Which means, I do have something to rant and rave about.

WHY THE HELL IS THE CHANGELING ACTING LIKE A DICK?! Are you trying to draw attention to yourself?! And yeah, I know Chrysalis wasn’t a paragon either, but Equestria is based on giving ponies the benefit of the doubt! So, when she acted like a dick behind their back, it wasn’t taken as a bad way! And she made herself look like the victim when Twilight accused her, making it easier to manipulate the feelings of others!

This Changeling is downright cruel to the students for no fucking reason! Parents would tear down that school for teachers even looking at their kids wrong, let alone being a bitch like this!

The Crusaders tell Rarity and Applejack what is going on and the two decide to follow Cheerilee to see what’s going on. The group gathers Lightning and the others, because why would Applejack and Rarity be capable of anything without Starfleet, and confronts Cheerilee in the middle of class.

As I said, Cheerilee happens to be possessed by a Changeling.

The Changeling admits that she had been posing as Cheerilee to feed of the students love for her. Which is why she was acting like a complete bitch to them

… Wait, what?

You know what, the more I try to comprehend this tactic, the stupider I will become, so I’m moving on.

They try to figure out a way to get the creature out of Cheerilee’s body without harming her. And then Twilight’s spell comes into play here. She uses the spell to pull the Changeling out of Cheerilee’s body (at this point, I just don’t care) and Lightning captures it in his magic eight ball.

We cut to Chrysalis who is displeased with her captain and her captain skulks away with this line…

The Captain narrowed his eyes and growled softly but fiercely. “Only I’m not going to suffer. Not as much as you will, my so-called queen!” he thought silently to himself.

Huh… So, this is why the rebels of the Changelings attacked in the story with the super long title. Only the changelings in that story were far more intelligent and subtle and they had freaking Predators running around!

Our next episode begins with Buddy Rose’s young cousin, Daphne Dil. Hilarious…

Daphne is nervous about going to her school and Buddy tells her to simply sing a song to calm her nerves. Here’s the song I sing when I’m scared.

Youtube Video

What? It works!

When Daphne gets to school, she sees two space alicorns being picked on by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. What’s that old saying ‘the more things change, the more things stay the same?’

Blank Flanks!” mocked Diamond “And who do you think you are with those silly numbers, escaped prisoners?” Silver Spoon mockingly hollered out for the royal guards “We have two escape convicts. Send them back to jail.”

You know, while I normally condemn such behavior, I’m willing to make an exception if only to stick it to those space alicorn pricks!

Daphne tries to help them, but Diamond and Silver Spoon start bullying her too. The Crusaders, nearby, see what happen and decide to help Daphne.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TO THE RESCUE!!” they cheered, but before they could do anything the bell rang and it was time for class.

HOW IS IT THAT MYKAN GOT CLOSER TO THE CANON CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS THAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS DID?! This was actually something I could easily see the Crusaders doing. Point, Mykan.

I feel a little unclean.

“Okay, everyone we have a new student joining us today. This is Daphne Dil; she’s the cousin of Starfleet fighter, Buddy Rose. Now you all remember how difficult it was on your first days so I want you to try being nice to her.”

:scootangel: Like you were when you were possessed by an evil Changeling!

Youtube Video

It’s not my fault! My dad, who adopted me, told me to say that!

Don’t make me get my shovel, you little brat!

… What is it with my weird obsession with shovels today?

Anyway, Daphne sits next to the Crusaders and the group gets to know her better. Not that we see that. And they become fast friends.

During arts and crafts, Diamond Tiara pushes some more buttons and in a strange twist, Apple Bloom almost becomes violent with her. Daphne is able to stop her, but I just have to wonder where the hell this came from? She’d never shown this kind of behavior in the show before…

Oh, that’s right! I forgot. The story doesn’t care.

So, we finally get to what this episode was building up to… Explaining why the number codes are better than the cutie marks.

“See, I’m an original space alicorn from Unicornicopia. Our entire race originally started when Grand Ruler Celesto created the first ponies by using a combination of DNA and his own magic, and because the Grand Ruler was already too magical to ever get a cutie mark of his own, it’s that same magic that created us space ponies that prevents it. I can’t and won’t ever have a cutie-mark. It just won’t sink into me. That’s why I wear this armor vest with a code on it. It’s my own special mark and identification.”

So, you have a cutie mark? It’s just a different type.

Look, a cutie mark is just a symbol. Let’s put aside the fact that the ponies have a brand on their flanks, with choice words from Mykan saying ‘It is pathetic’. No, let’s get rid of that altogether. If we take away the Cutie Marks, that doesn’t change the characters. The characters would still have to go through the cycle of discovering who they are. The Cutie Marks don’t tell the pony who they are, they discover it themselves. The Cutie Mark only appears when they find that one thing that makes them special. And only after they have found it!

Your number code IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING! Just given at a different time! It’s a way to identify your character with that specific number! Now, we may not see it, but I know you do, Mykan! It’s the same with us and the cutie marks! Bottom line, for all your talk about number codes being different from cutie marks, they are the exact same, just from different points of view!

Not one or the other is superior, like you (and original ‘I’) thought it was. The only reason a lot more people think the cutie mark is superior is because you are so determined to make yours better than everypony else’s without seeing the other side!

So, anyway, everypony is so impressed with Daphne’s big speech, except for the only sane ponies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and they throw paper wads at her. However, Cheerilee catches them and gives them detention. Again, better than Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners.

Something I’d never thought I say about a Mykan story.

We then cut to the Grand Ruler’s palace where…

The Queen and Grand Ruler finished reading the letter together and both felt proud of the little filly. Grand Ruler especially, knowing that under his pants

WHOA! Dude, I do not want to know what is under your pants! Go to the next episode!

Our next episode sees Pumpkin and Pound Cake at a nursery for a standard check up with the pun (Penny Sillon) play nurse.

She explains that the Grand Ruler wants to have everypony in Starfleet have a shot to keep them healthy. Oh, I’d love to give these characters a shot. A healthy dose of shotgun to the face.

Meanwhile, Rhymey…

“Fluttershy. Oh, Fluttershy?

It’s Rhymey-- your favorite guy.”

Oh… god… I forgot about this… Yeah, in the last story, Rhymey and Fluttershy… They are apparently a couple. … Yes, my favorite character in the show is shipped with the most annoying thing in the history of anything. … Yeah, there’s the kick to my crotch that I avoided from earlier. It only gets worse when you think about how forced their relationship is. Fluttershy and Rhymey knew each other for half a day ,at best, before they decided they were meant for each other. And half of that was Rhymey sleeping or looking for a magic stone.

Anyway, Fluttershy doesn’t answer her door and Rhymey enters to investigate.

Rhymey was no doctor, but from what he knew, he could tell just from looking at Fluttershy’s symptoms-- high temperature, sharp stabbing stomach pains-- it was mostly likely appendicitis.

Sounds more like a doctor than any pony else in this story.

Also, based on the research I did, ponies don’t have an appendix. However, the story does mention this knowledge and that the transformation into a more humanoid like creature has given her an appendix. Which is really weird. What kind of transformation is the Grand Ruler forcing on these ponies? I’m no scientist, but it can’t be healthy to just give and take away vital organs to a living being!

Rhymey rushes Fluttershy to the hospital and Penny explains that it will be a simple operation. My only hope at this point is that Fluttershy suffers a complication and dies.

No, Fluttershy, you don’t understand. I want you out of this story so that you can be as far away from Rhymey as possible. I don’t want you to die because I hate you.

…

…

Just hit me with the shovel…

… ow…

Fluttershy’s friends are worried about her, but Rainbow Dash convinces everypony that she will be alright. Rhymey, however, is still skeptical.

“She really means a lot to me,

All this fear just keeps going through me.

I pray she may, I pray she might,

Soon be all better and things go alright.”

You rhymed ‘me’ and ‘me’?! God, Zecora is reading this story, and shaking her head in shame.

It turns out that the Changelings  have gotten to Penny Sillon who is now under mind control and forces the operation on Fluttershy early. Mostly likely to kill her, making me cross my hooves.

Penny gets Fluttershy on the operating table and without warning slits Fluttershy’s throat.

Youtube Video

Yes, best day ever!

“Wrong!” Lightning snapped and Twilight’s horn began to glow and revealed that the Fluttershy Penny had killed was nothing more than a puppet imitation.

FUCK!

Yes, earlier Lightning and Twilight had discovered what Penny was planning do to and created a copy of the real Fluttershy to spring their trap. Good going guys. Thanks for making me have to suffer through Fluttershy and Rhymey making out. That’s what I wanted.

So, Twilight pulls the Changeling out of Penny’s body.

A big fight scene ensues, they capture the Changeling and Fluttershy gets her operation. Yay, can I go home now?

So, the Tinman (or Goldwin for those keeping track) is excited when the circus comes into town. Pfft, I’m not. I hate the circus. Don’t ask me why.

Why?

God damnit, Computer! I told you not to ask me that!

The Tinman tries to get everypony to see his act, but they are all too busy.

Goldwin: Mr. Critique, do you want to see me juggle?

Nope.

Goldwin: Oh, I’m sorry, if you’re busy. I can come back later.

Oh, I’m not busy.

Goldwin: So you will watch me?

Nope.

Goldwin: Why?

Because I hate you.

Goldwin: You’re a dick.

FUCK YOU!

The tinman gets so sad that he actually sings to us.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT STUPID SONG!

Fluttershy and Rhymey end up hearing the song and after the circus, they tell Twilight and the others what is bothering him.

Pinkie Pie comes up with the brilliant idea of putting together a circus for Goldwin since if he leaves the palace than he will turn into a statue. Why? … Because… the gods demanded it. I don’t know.

The Grand Ruler and Celestia agree and they each decide what they’ll be at the circus. Rainbow Dash being a pony projectile and Pinkie Pie being a…

…C… C… Clown… Clown… Clownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir?

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir, what is wrong?

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir?!

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

*a robotic arm injects a needle into the Critique’s body*

Clown… Clown… Clown…

***

Sir, are you alright?

… Holy hell… What the fuck happened?

You tell me. I had to inject you with a sedative. Your heartrate was spiking drastically.

Oh… That…

Sir, I nearly had to treat you for shock. What happened?

… I don’t like… clowns… at all.

You are scared of clowns?

It’s not funny! I’m serious! I am fucking terrified of clowns!

I am sorry, sir. I did not mean for it to sound disrespectful.

… I know… It’s just that… When I was a little kid… I played a game I really shouldn’t have. It was an adult game my friend had and I thought ‘You know. It looked cool.’ Well, it turns out there was this clown in the game. And every time you died in the game, he’d laugh. … God, that laugh scared me. I ended up playing it most of the night. And when I finally went to bed, I had nightmares.

He was always chasing me. He’d catch me. He’d laugh. And then I’d wake up. I couldn’t sleep.

And then, like the universe had a cruel sense of coincidence, my father took me to the circus that weekend. At first, I was excited. I had never been to the circus and my dad and I would get to spend some time together. So, I sat between my mom and dad, with my little brother and waited for the circus to start.

At first, it seemed really fun and bright and there was lots of music. And then… we saw clowns… Lots of them. I don’t remember anything after that. But my mom told me that I started to have a panic attack. My father rushed me out of the tent and called an ambulance. Got me to the hospital to treat me. Mom said she’d never seen my father move so fast.

And that’s when everypony found out I had coulrophobia.

Fear of clowns.

You couldn’t even say the word ‘clown’ around me for years. I can talk about them. I can say the word. … But I can’t see them without… you know.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah… I just… can’t see any more like that…

Sorry, everypony.  Just… let’s just move on.

The next day, the group puts on their performance for the Tinman. I would say this was impressive, but I stopped caring at the prologue.

Fluttershy, however, gets stage fright. I would say Mykan was just trying to make Fluttershy look helpless, but she already has that fear in the show, so, there you go.

Everypony panics like they’ve just seen a clown and wonder what they are going to do if Fluttershy doesn’t go on.

SKIP HER, YOU IDIOTS! It’s not like she plays a vital pivotal part in all the show! It’s not like she’s the grand act that you’ve been advertising! You’ve got other acts! USE THEM!

So, to fill in for Fluttershy, the tinman shows his talents. Aww… the Tinman still thinks he can be a main character that I care about. That’s adorable.

So, they perform their act for the crowd and this chapter was a waste of time and I’m sick of this story! And I’m only on chapter 7! There are 19 more chapters of this shit to go! Please! I beg of you, Celestia! I need your strength here!

Next episode, Lightning holds a meeting at town hall.

“And so, to recalibrate-- Starfleet and their allies will do whatever it takes to protect you and our world, but you must play your parts too as well as follow orders set by the martial law. There are three basic rules to follow.

Do you not know what the word ‘recalibrate’ means? Because I think ‘reiterate’ would be better here!

Also, the rules are stupid and contradict each other! Don’t believe me? Of course you don’t! I’ve never lied to you! But just in case there is somepony out there who is dubious, I’ll show you!

Rule One: Do not enter battles.

You cannot get harmed by a battle or the effects of battle if you don’t get involved. When the alarms sound, do whatever you can to reach the nearest shelter before the force-fields activate. If, however, you are unable to reach any shelter in time, stay as far from the danger area as you can to avoid being seen or involved.

Rule Two: Help or hide.

If you do get trapped in the battle area with no means of escape, help out as best as can, if asked so, or just stay out of the way. Leave it to the professionals.

Finally, Rule three: Defeat the villains.

There are three known basic ways to do so: Either by forcing them to retreat. Render them weak enough to capture and imprison them, or heal them, or if and only if the situation truly calls for it and you have the authorization, destroy them! I repeat, this is only a last, and absolute last resort when all other methods fail and with proper authorization.”

GAAAAAAAAAAH!

I feel like my brain is being put in a blender! If you have then retreating from the battle, why the hell are you asking them to fight and defeat the enemy?! The first rule you ask them to do, is to get out of harm’s way! Why would you then tell them to help out in the battle or to battle the villain, when you just asked them to hide if they can’t get out of the battle area?!

The Grand Ruler must have come up with these rules! Because there is no way Celestia would approve of something so completely stupid and makes no fucking sense!

So, Lightning goes into a deep, philosophical conversation about whether it is right to spare the enemy or not! Mykan, bail now! You are not talented enough to have this conversation! You are not ready to have this deep conversation!

some monsters and demons were far too powerful to be contained, and using the power of friendship and harmony to try and reason or weaken them would do no good. Some did not wish to even be redeemed and preferred to carry out their evil ways, while others couldn’t be redeemed even if they wanted to be. Some monsters were not actual living beings but rather a monstrous creation made of matter, organics, or simple objects whose only purpose was to destroy and conquer. “We ourselves, in many ways detest having to destroy other creatures, but it isn’t advisable to let the roam free either at the risk of more innocent creatures and worlds being in danger, and possibly destroyed. We just can’t allow it.

Dude, this is stuff not even I try to touch on! And that is because I know I’m not smart enough to talk about it! What the hell makes you so confident that you could talk about it?!

Oh, and we really get into a huge debate here in this episode with the characters too.

Twilight hated to admit it but she was still a little shaky on the fact of having to destroy creatures. “I know sometimes we have to, but… I still don’t think that it’s right. It makes us no different than they are.”

Krysta hovered near her “Twilight, I like you, but… sometimes I think you really need to wake up and stop kidding yourself.”

Krysta, I am this close from tearing off your wings and tossing you in a trash compactor! Shut up!

And it continues on throughout the episode, that ‘Twilight is wrong’, that ‘sometimes killing your enemy is okay’, that ‘she’s just too dumb and blind to see it.’ Like I said, I am not going to get into a debate of whether killing another, even if it is someone who is unrepentant as the story says, is right or wrong.

I will say it wouldn’t bother me so much, if there was a valid argument with the other side! In this story, as we will see, Twilight is the one who is wrong. Twilight is the one who learns that it’s okay! And she just accepts it! That’s it!

This is not something that is easily solved the way Mykan thinks it is! People have debated back and forth for years and years and years and still have not come up with a concrete answer or a definite solution. I’m not saying this shouldn’t be talked about! This should be talked about and discussed! But it shouldn’t be done by Mykan! Mykan should not be the one talking about this! He is not educated enough on this! This is why this story is worse than the first season! Because Mykan didn’t try to teach us something that he is far too unfit to teach us!

But I’m ranting again, so let’s just move on…

We cut to the Changeling’s lair, where the general decides to put another scheme into action. Translation: sending one monster out into the city. Just like every other villain in Mykan’s stories!

The monster attacks the dam near Ponyville and the group rushes over to try and stop it!

The group tries to overpower it, but it easily shakes them off and continues destroying the dam.

With so many lives in peril, Lightning suggests that they destroy it. Twilight, however, is completely against it.

Now, this would be a big huge dilemma for the group, one that could divide them with a deep philosophical debate.

… Except for one, itty bitty, tiny, little, minuscule, problem that suggests that might not be

YOU SAID THE THING WASN’T ALIVE, YOU IDIOT!

YOU LITERALLY SAID THAT THE CREATURE IS NOT A LIVING BEING! IT’S A MACHINE! IT’S NOT ALIVE! YOU HAVE ALREADY REVEALED TO US THAT IT IS NOT A LIVING CREATURE! SO THE DEBATE IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE CREATURE ISN’T A LIVING THING!

The group learns that it has a glowing weak point under its armor, seriously, I don’t care. And they defeat it.

The captain of the Changelings is not pleased with his results and Queen Chrysalis begins to get suspicious of him.

And believe it or not everypony, we have not even begun to get to the stupid yet. … Yeah… it gets worse.

(Continued in Part 2)

Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 2

Our next episode sees Sweet Apple Arces where Buddy Rose is helping Applejack gets apples. How is he helping?

Buddy Rose nodded and flew high over the orchards. “LEAF SWARM!” He sent swarms of razor-leafs at the trees, skillfully cutting all the apples off at once and landing them in the baskets, and with his super speed and others helping out, whole orchards of trees would be stripped of their apples within minutes.

THAT’S IT! I’M OUT! SEE YA! NOPE! WE ARE DONE, STORY! WE ARE DONE! I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU! THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T WORTH MY FUCKING SANITY!

I mean, what the fucking hell?! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before that the Grand Ruler forbids his unicorns from using magic to make their lives better and can only use magic to heal others or in combat, but I’m saying it now!

Buddy Rose, one of the dumbass unicorns from Unicrapacopia, uses his magic to get apples from trees! This would not bother me if the story had not already established that the unicorns are forbidden to do that! I wouldn’t even mind so much if there was something clarifying that the Grand Ruler realized that it was incredibly stupid of him! But no, he says that ponies are stronger without magic in their daily lives! So, why the fuck would Buddy Rose use his magic to make his and Applejack’s life easier?! Unless, this comes back to bite Buddy in the ass, I’m going to be angry from this point on!

If the rest of the story didn’t already have that effect on me!

Apple Bloom and Daphne show up and are depressed when the concert they wanted to go see was cancelled.

The group goes about their day as usual, when suddenly the country singer that Apple Bloom and Daphne wanted to see arrives at their doorstep in bad shape. The Apple family takes him in and he explains that his heart just wasn’t in it.

The singer spends a few days at the barn and the group finally gets him to open up about his feelings. He explains that he’d been looking for love during his course to fame, but only ended up finding mares who wanted him for his fame and fortune. Sounds like Hollywood to me.

He then sings a song about it. But I don’t care, so I’m going to put up my own country song for this situation.

Youtube Video

The group explains to him that true fans will support him through his troubles if he lets them in. So, they decide to put together a charity concert for everypony. The singer becomes a huge success, finds an a wife that loves him for who he is, and this character will never appear in the story again. Another story that is, in the end, entirely pointless!

So our next is promised to include…

In our next episode, Lightning and Starla are court martialed and are having to answer to charges of recent reckless actions from a previous involvement, including an almost falling out in their relationship, which nearly caused a lot of massive trouble for the entire kingdom.

Oh… this is going to be one of those episodes…

Just start the episode…

Starla and Lightning were both in big trouble and being court martialed!

Oh, public execution? Please! Have mercy on me and kill the fuckers!

Celestia and the Grand Ruler demand answer and Starla and Lightning explain. Okay, let them explain, while I go sharpen my axe.

So, it turns out that Starla hasn’t been getting enough exercise and her legs are… too skinny? What, do unicorns have a regulation of how fat their legs have to be?! What the hell?! Starla, I guess, is ashamed of this and asks Lightning to not tell anypony about her legs being ‘as skinny as pancakes.’

Who the fuck says…? You know what, I don’t care.

The next day, Lightning is in a conversation with Pinkie Pie and the racist brothers and says…

“They were skinny as pancakes. Can you believe what she said to me after that?” and everyone shared a soft laugh, but Starla, she felt tears coming to her eyes and her heart aching.

Ha, ha, ha. He was talking about actual pancakes.

So, yeah, Starla is pissed off and confronts Lightning about it. Starla overreacts and breaks up with Lightning. Smartest move any of these characters have done, ever.

Of course, this is all the woman’s fault. It couldn’t be the male’s fault. The male’s stupidity! No, it has to be the female’s fault! Because as we all know, women are stupid!

JESUS, FUCK! I hate this story… I really hate this story…

“Women…!” he growled.

I know right?!

Wait, WAIT.

I’ll do it myself.

“So you felt that Lightning had betrayed you.” said Celestia.

“What happened after that?” asked Grand Ruler.

Lightning and Starla explained that it was most certain that Chrysalis had been observing them…

How could they possibly know that?!

But, yeah, Chrysalis sees their breakup as an opportunity for an attack. So, the captain sends ONE CHANGELING?!

WHY ARE YOU SENIDNG ONE CHANGELING?! IT HASN’T WORKED THUS FAR! IT WON’T WORK NOW!

I’ve always pictured Chrysalis as having some diabolical plan, like the Secret Invasion from Marvel Comics. In said storyline, a shapeshifting race known as the Skrulls infiltrate Earth posing as different superheroes and villains.

Why doesn’t Chrysalis do something like that?!

“Because they can’t shapeshift.”

THEY HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE OVER PONIES BODIES! THEY DON’T NEED TO SHAPESHIFT!

This plan could still work! Even more so, since you wouldn’t have to store or dispose of bodies that you replace! You could just possess them and go on with their lives normal, while at the same time gathering information about new Equestria and turning them against one another subtly! But no, we have to go with Rita from Power Rangers tactic that involves throwing ONE MONSTER AT A TIME, INSTEAD OF BUILDING A FREAKING ARMY AND SENDING THEM ALL AT ONCE!

Urgh! So, a changeling takes control of Mrs. Cake and she attacks the town. Also, one thing I’ve noticed. All the ponies the changelings possess are female.

WAIT, WAIT! Story isn’t over yet! There still might be a chance!

Huff… dodged a bullet there.

They manage to get the changeling out of Mrs. Cake’s body, rather abruptly I must say, but because Starla is being a bitch, the creature gets away!

You do not get to hit me with your shovel! I’ve already been hit once because of this bitch! I don’t need another!

“A great day this is turning out to be.” he grumbled. “And women-- They’re just as fickle as space! Peaceful one minute, fighting like crazy the next.”

Lightning Dawn, everypony! As sexist as his author! Why can’t everypony hit him with the shovel instead of me? … In fact!

Ah... much better.

And then we get… the changeling’s point of view?

How are they telling Celestia and the Grand Ruler about the Changelings when they weren’t there?! They didn’t see the conversation! They don’t know the Changeling’s point of view because they weren’t there! How could they be telling them things that they themselves do not know?!

The captain of the changelings forges a letter from the queen and tells the changeling to wait for her to fight alongside them. The Changeling is confused since the queen would want to be at full strength before fighting them. Even though before Chrysalis was able to defeat Celestia with just Cadance’s and Shining Armor’s love, but whatever.

I just stopped caring.

The captain of the Changelings tells Chrysalis that she is needed immediately and Chrysalis follows the captain, her patience growing thin. However, it turn out that the Changeling was setting a trap for Chrysalis so that Starfleet could catch her.

Starfleet battles Chrysalis, but despite her weakened state, easily overpowers them.

During the course of the fight, Starla finds out that it was all just a big misunderstanding! Oh, boy! I’m glad that was worked out…

Oh, wait! NO, I’M NOT!

And Chrysalis gets away after they kiss and make up and we end up where we started. Lightning and Starla on trial.

The Grand Ruler and Celestia come up with some bullshit about listening to one another or something like that. And then they are sentenced.

Oh, I’m ready.

Let the beheading commence!

As punishment, Lightning and Starla were sentenced to one-hundred hours of community service each, and one full week of extra hard training.

… That’s it? … No execution? …

I’m so ronrey. So ronrey.

So ronrey and sadry arone.

The next episodes are called the Goddess of Gold and it’s a two parter about Rarity basically becoming the pony equivalent of King Midas.

If you have no idea what that is, basically she becomes a greedy bitch who has the power to turn everything she touches into gold. Hey, don’t be praising it yet. You ever try to wipe your ass with a golden tissue?!

Hurts like shit!

The episode starts with a mare walking into Rarity’s shop and basically calling her a commoner.

Well, hey… That’s kind of what she is. I don’t see you doing anything special. Who the fuck do you think you are madam?

That’s right! Her da fuck da ya tink ya R?!

What gets me about this character who comes the fuck out of nowhere is, she literally comes the fuck out of nowhere. No backstory, no identity, we don’t even learn her name and yet this brings Rarity to depression. Look, I know words are harsh, but the character doesn’t even get a name! That’s how important she is! Who is she to tell you how to feel, Rarity?! Where’s the Rarity I know who would never let a bitch like that get away with nothing?!

There she is. That’s the Rarity I know and love.

See, I’m not always an insensitive prick! See that Equestria?! I ain’t such a heartless bastard now, ain’t I?

“Why can’t the rich ever except others for who they are instead of being so pompous?”

Because of stereotypes.

So, Rarity, being distraught by what a random pony told her, yeah, sounds like half the people on Fimfiction, decides to look up a book on treasure hunting.

Okay, ignoring the fact that Rarity has a gemstone locater on her forehead and the fact that apparently magic can be used outside of battle and for nonmedical issues, as demonstrated by our friend, Buddy Rose, why the hell is she looking up treasure maps?!

If there were treasure maps in a library, you honestly think that nopony would be looking for them! Really?! Do you think Equestria is full of idiots?!

Oh, wait. Dumb question. Of course you do.

However, they fail to find anything in Twilight’s library. Oh, look! We found common sense in this story!  Now, don’t you go running away again!

So, they get to Zecora’s hut where she starts speaking her rhymes.

“To find da treasure dat you seek,

Listen to da spirits as dey speak

Open your mind, open it well

And hear what da spirits have to tell.”

It’s funny, as soon as Zecora starts talking, she doesn’t bother me. Whereas Rhymey has the opposite effect. Why is that? Because … well… Rhymey’s an asshole. Screw you, I can not like him without a reason if I want.

Actually, the biggest reason is the why of Rhymey’s rhyming. There’s no logic to it. He just does it because… he does. With Zecora, maybe that’s just a normal speech pattern for a zebra or the whole country in general.

So, Zecora summons the disembodied head of a human… Yeah, I don’t get it either and asks the spirit to help them find a treasure.

The disembodied head, who I am going to name Brad, tells the group that if they decide to go on this treasure hunt, than misfortune will fall upon them.

Fuck Miss Fortune. Her ult gets me every fucking time!

Anyway, Rarity says that nopony will love her if she doesn’t do this, even though every pony tries to talk her out of it.

So, since they fail to talk Rarity out of it, they decide to join her. Oh, and here I was hoping that maybe, MAYBE, we could go one episode without your dumbass unicorns! But no, Lightning apparently goes with Twilight, Spike and Rarity! Well, whoopity-do-da! Because it’s not like he has any other responsibilities like PROTECTING NEW EQUESTRIA FROM A CHANGELING INVASION THAT APPARENTLY NEEDS TO HAVE MARSHAL LAW ENFORCED BECAUSE IT’S SUCH A BIG PROBLEM!

I’m sick of using all caps for everything! Would you please try with this?! Please?!

So, the group follows a white line that I guess the spirit drew for them at some point and make their way across the land.

Oh and they run into some Diamond Dog, the ironically named kind.

You know, in case you were wondering what happened on their trip. Oh, you want to see the whole scene? I don’t know, guys. There is still a lot to this story I have to get through.

…

Well, okay. But don’t say I don’t ever give you what you want.

They ran into some Diamond Dogs on the way. The big brutes were prepared to bust them all them all good for trespassing on their turf, but Lightning made quick works out of them and gave them quite the beatings they deserved. Rarity also knocked some of them unconscious too. Her Starfleet training was starting to show its colors.

Wow… A whole paragraph.

That’s… that’s the most action. The most action.

I mean, really? There’s just not caring and then … there’s this. I don’t even know what to call it at this point. Going through the motions? Or should I just calling it ‘sleep writing’ or ‘writing subconsciously’ because there was no thought put into this part whatsoever. It was just, ‘Stuff needs to happen! Throw some shit in there’.

I mean, oh my god! I haven’t read something this bad since… last week. Yeah, I got nothing.

So after looking around a bit, with no sense of time or how far they’ve traveled, they end up finding the treasure. Yeah, I bet you thought it was going to be hard or challenging! Ha, ha, ha! Take me with you!

She puts on what appears to be an old collar that they find, hoping it would reveal some kind of treasure, which at first, it doesn’t.

However, after touching a flower, Rarity discovers she has the power to turn anything she touches into gold.

Now, this is stupid for a reason. In the original myth, Midas was giving the power of the golden touch. There was no artifact involved in it and that’s was what the major issue with it was.

In this story, Rarity has an artifact that can help her transform things into gold.

The big difference, you might be asking?

Well, in King Midas’s case, he has no way of removing such power from his body without help. So, he can’t eat food. Drink wine. Or hug his daughter.

Rarity? All she needs to do is take the fucker off. Problem solved.

It takes away from any conflict this story might have with a simple removing of the collar and therefore hurting the moral of the original story.

But hey, maybe this is a way that Mykan thought of that works and I just haven’t seen it yet. So, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

Because that has proven to be not disappointing in the slightest.

I don’t need your sass right now, Computer!

Rarity returns to the other, sitting down for lunch I guess… Back in Ponyville?

So, Rarity shows off her magic powers and Twilight doesn’t seem that impressed.

Twilight was amazed too. She never found any magic that could do things like this before. “Well, I do think it’s nice, Rarity, but I prefer my paper plates the way they are.”

Are you kidding? Every single paper plate has got to be about 5 ounces worth of gold!

We’re talking money coming out of my ears! I’m talking Scrooge McDuck kind of wealth!

Yo, Rarity! I can take Twilight’s share!

However, Rarity quickly discovers that she can’t eat or drink. So she decides to take the ring off.

“Something’s wrong. I can’t seem to find the catch.” she cried. “Help me!”

Oh, so, there is no way to take it off.

Rarity couldn’t get the ring off, and everything she touched would to turn to platinum. Everything! She wouldn’t be able to eat either, and if she couldn’t eat… she’d die! She was Rarity, the mare with the platinum touch.

As long as I don’t have to read any more about her in this story, I’m okay with arranging her funeral!

So, the group ends up trying a number of things to get the metallic ring off Rarity, but end up finding nothing. Rarity, ashamed of what she has caused, runs off on her own.

But not before going to Spike and Twilight, standing outside their door and wishing them goodbye. And, oh, if you thought that sentence by itself was stupid, take a gander at this…

“Rarity…! Rarity, please don’t go!” cried Spike as he tried to follow her, but Twilight held him back, and they both watched until Rarity had gone completely out of sight.

Spike began to cry softly, and Twilight hugged him warmly, with her own tears falling.

Follow her?

…

…

Follow her?!

…

…

FOLLOW HER YOU ASS… Whatever…

So, the next day a search party begins to look for Rarity. EVEN THOUGH…

Anywoot, while that’s going on, the Diamond Dogs… Hey, remember them? Remember them in the last chapter? Remember what they did in the last chapter?

HUH?! BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DON’T!

They attack the city of Ponyville with an army! Yeah, you … you just keep doing your thing story. You just keep flopping around… Like a fish… a live fish… on a table.. Just… flopping… Gasping for air.

The fight starts going badly for our Starfleet Warriors. May I remind you it is fucking Diamond Dogs they are fighting?! And I’m not saying that Diamond Dogs are stupid creatures. They just aren’t very smart if Rarity was able to outwit them with her whining. … Actually, now that I say it out loud that is totally what I am saying.

DIAMOND DOGS ARE STUPID and you’re saying that an army of them is too much to handle?! This makes it even more confusing why Chrysalis just doesn’t send a whole fucking army and take over Equestria?!

*Diamond Dog watches Critique’s bigotry*

Youtube Video

Spike manages to get out of the city and tries to convince Rarity to come back home. However, Rarity accidently turns Spike into a golden statue. Shit, where is the mask that the Tinman has when you really need it?

We cut back to our heroes, who are about to be beaten by Diamond Dogs. This would have been really embarrassing. And yet, very satisfying.

However, Rarity shows up, being okay with Spike being a statue now for some reason, and shows off her power!

Yeah, now that would be awesome!

She threatens the Diamond Dogs with the powers of the golden touch and the Diamond Dogs run off. Well, at least they were competent villains for a few seconds.

But… Oh, no. What’s his name is still a statue!

However, thanks to the spirit of the treasure, who for some reason is there now.

I’m not questioning it, why should you?

Brad asks if Rarity understands what greed can do to a pony and Rarity replies that she does. So, Brad gives Spike a free get out of death free card and everypony is happier. Except for me of course. I’m only on chapter 12.

Our next episode shows the Grand Ruler and Celestia inviting Lightning and Twilight to the ballet as part of their … cultural training?

Yeah, just like I play video games as part of my tactical training! Fire Emblem, Super Mario, even Duck Hunt are the master strategists of life!

That makes no sense, sir.

Hey, if you get into a situation where a Gooma is coming at you, how would you know what to do without Mario?! Huh?! If a dog is laughing at you for not hitting those ducks, how to get him to stop laughing?! If a man summons a meteor to destroy the planet so that he can merge with it to satisfy his mother, how will you equip yourself with the materia you need to whip his ass?!

I rest my case.

We cut to Starla and Twilight and you might as well hit me now because I’m sure there is a sexist joke somewhere in this scene.

Ha! Came prepared this time! Still stings though…

Starla, after double-clicked her insignia, changed into her favorite ball gown which was pink, with ruffled shoulders, and long white gloves. Half of her beautiful long mane was piled on her in a beautiful bun, and a few threads dangled out front softly draping over her shoulders.

That’s adorable… That’s fucking adorable… Story, you’re cute, man. It’s cute how you think you’re trying. No. It’s cute.

Jesus Christ, I could just see a scene where the Grand Ruler is talking to the manufacturer of the suit he commissioned.

Manufacturer: Grand Ruler, this says that you want a setting on your suits to give you the power to make a dress appear in place of the armor?

Grand Ruler: Yes, we shall need it! You never know when one of my unicorns will need to play the role of Princess Peach.

Manufacturer: And it says you want it to be a… unisex suit?

Grand Ruler: Don’t question me, damn you! If Luigi can dress up as Princess Peach, so can we! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a dress for Queen Elizabeth I on top of Big Ben in a helicopter, after I call her on my cellphone.

Meanwhile, the Changelings are building… another robot?

Okay, if this gets us into another philosophical debate about whether killing the bad guys is right or not, I’m going to vomit!

They meet Rhymey and Fluttershy at the ballet and Rhymey says…

Rhymey nodded and said…

“The ballet is such a poetic place,

It brings a smile right to my face.

The music plays, and dancers go on

It’s poetry in motion, and ever so on.”

Okay, another reason why Zecora’s rhyming doesn’t bother and Rhymey’s does. Zecora, while still a bit racist, doesn’t rhyme the same fucking words like Rhymey does! Seriously, this is the second time I’ve show this! First it was rhyming ‘me’ with ‘me’ and then he rhymes ‘on’ and ‘on’!

Is the author just trying to make me hate Rhymey even more?! If that’s the case… Good job.

They could see everything, except Spike, if he wasn’t sitting on Twilight’s head. “Just don’t mess up my mane.” she said.

Well, glad to see that Twilight is fully in character. I mean, at least from Mykan’s viewpoint.

You know, this is a little unbearable for me as a fan of Twilight Sparkle. So I’m going to give this character a new name. I thought about ’Lightning’s Bitch’, but that title belongs to Starla. So, instead I’m going to call her ‘Dimwit Daisy’.

Daisy and the group watch the ballet and…

It’s the Grand Ruler’s origin story?!

Okay, it doesn’t actually say that, but for how similar it is, it might as well be! Even the story agrees with me! Look!

Celestia and Grand Ruler took an immediate shine to the story. It was almost exactly identical to their past lives. Celestia had tears in her eyes at some of the sad parts. Her husband passed her a hankie.

Nope! You can’t make me, story! I won’t do it! I won’t! I will not!

So, anyway, the robot attacks the ballet and Starfleet attacks them while the Grand Ruler makes his moves on Celestia.

Um… I’ll just stay here out of the way.” Fluttershy whimpered, but she was grabbed by Starla forced to join them on stage. “How do you expect to make the force cowering like this?” she scolded.

I’m starting to think Fluttershy was drafted.

I should be madder at this, but I think this story has broken my mad button.

The group ends up outwitting the thing by… dancing?

Lightning went after the robot next, by himself, and decided to show off a little foot work of his own. “Master!” he called up. Grand Ruler nodded, and his golden horns began to glow, extreme music filled the air giving Lightning a feel for dancing.

Lightning began to dance, twirl, flip, and kick his legs skillfully which helped him dodge the robot, and gave him the opening to strike it hard, rendering it weaker and weaker, and finally damaging its legs, and exposing the energy core in its backside.

I’m sorry, everypony. I need a minute…

Youtube Video

*Several months later*

Okay… I’m back…

You were gone for a minute and 35 seconds. Take off the fake beard.

Party pooper?!

So, they defeat the robot and we cut to the Changelings where the captain plays dumb when asked by Chrysalis what is going on. You know, it’s just occurred to me that as evil as Chrysalis is ‘supposed’ to be. She really hasn’t done anything.

Another day in New Ponyville

Another chapter to kill more brain cells.

Daisy, Rainbow Dash and Lightning do some training when suddenly, Krysta’s husband.

Don’t ask. Just go with it.

Krysta’s husband arrives with her snotty brat, Twink.

“But Dad…” Twink tried to argue, but his mother wouldn’t hear of it. “Twink, you’re still very young.”

“I was talking to Dad if you don’t mind.” snapped Twink

You know, I like this kid. He treats Krysta the way she deserves to be treated. With contempt.

The group tells Twink that they all had troubles before and then we get a flashback to when Daisy and the others first signed up for Starfleet. Oh, joy of joys. This is going to hurt.

So, we go through a military montage with the main six looking like idiots. Again, not getting mad here because this is something I’d expect from someone who hates the show. So, getting mad at him showing off that he knows nothing about the show, cares nothing for the characters and has no respect for the fans would be pretty much moot at this point.

But don’t you worry everypony. There is so much more I can rage about.

Like the dialogue.

“Yes, Rainbow you were fast.” said Grand Ruler “But you must learn to excel even beyond your built in limitations. Move with purpose and clear direction. Cockiness is the key step towards blundering.”

Um… she did have a clear purpose and direction. It was to get from one end of the track to the other. Direction? Yes. Purpose? To test ones limit in a speed test.

So, purpose and clear direction make no sense here! Our great hero everypony! Were your eyes just closed when you tested Rainbow Dash or something?!

Fluttershy already felt nervous to the point of wanting to quit and run, but her friends wouldn’t hear of it and dragged her back each time.

Ah-ha! I was right! She was drafted! … So, is this desertion? Isn’t that punishable by death?

So, Fluttershy gets the death penalty?

Please? For her sake and mine?

Rarity was easily the worst student who had the hardest time fitting in. Not a single session went by that she hadn’t complained about having to get dirty or do things without the aid of her magic, such as heavy lifting or performing tasks, dodging things like paint blobs as if they were projectiles and getting splatted every time…

Geez, it’s almost like Rarity wouldn’t want to be a soldier, roughing it everywhere she went! See, I’m not as stupid as I look?

...

Don’t you say a word?!

And then we get this stupid line…

Even when it came to a steaming-tank, it wouldn’t be good on her. At first, she felt excited about getting a good steam session. “A good steaming shall help me recover from all these hard endures I have been through.”

But Lightning smirked at her, and waited until she got inside and he locked her in to tell her. “You won’t be thinking that in a moment. This is no ordinary steaming tank. These steam jets can burn through solid steel in a matter of seconds.”

Yeah… I’m going to let this one sink in for a moment… Take it all in… Just take it all…

Good. Okay. Now, I’m going to give the story a chance to justify this moment. Okay, story. Hit me with your best shot.

“THIS IS UTTERLY INSANE!” she squealed, but all Lightning did was stare at her amusingly with his arms folded and said “How do you think we fighters got to be so tough?”

So… the idea of this steam chamber is to toughen ponies by introducing them to elements that can burn them alive without any kind of protection? Yeah. That makes sense. I mean, I’m sure this is how they do it in the military. They shoot their guys! Yeah, that makes perfect sense! To make sure that our guys don’t die in battle, they shoot them, let them recover and by theory, they shoot them again, until one day they can take bullets in battle like fucking Superman!

Yep! You got it, story! You really got it this time!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

So, after that… I don’t even know what…  Lightning decides to show everypony up by going through the most dangerous obstacle course known to man!

He demonstrated by going through one of the hard courses, which he had gone through many times. It was a simple spread divided into four parts. The objective was to hop along a series of tall small pillars overlooking a deep fall, while at the same time small, harmless darts, cannon balls, and spiked logs would come at him to try to trip him up.

We get a youtube video about Lightning’s amazing skill he uses to overcome the obstacle course. Let me show you, it’s rather fascinating.

Youtube Video

So… the most difficult obstacle course of all time… can be completed… by a simple game… of hopscotch?!

Okay. Mykan. Buddy. Friend. I want to ask you a question. No sarcasm, no bullshit, none of that. Just straight up man to man conversation.

In all honesty.

What did you really think was going to happen? What was your thought pattern? Was this really your best foot forward? Did you really think that years and years and years later ponies would be analyzing this scene and saying “Hopscotch. The next tactical mind of our time.” “How did he do it?” “So many layers in which is works.”

We should be holding it up to the other tactical geniuses of the world.

George S. Patton

Erwin Rommel

Alexander the Great

Guy who invented Hopscotch.

Of course. I mean, I think I saw that on the History Channel one time when they were discussing Sun Tzu’s book, the Art of War.

What? It makes about as much sense as the timeline in Brother of the Corpse Bride did.

So… In case any of you are still… remotely interested in what happens next, we then get another montage of training where they practice shooting at targets. And if you guys thought I was mean to Rainbow Dash… well, I am, but let’s see how this story treats her.

She hit every single target that came at her-- every… single… one! She had hit all the evil creatures, but because she was careless and didn’t take the time to think, she shot innocent creatures-- colts walking to school… old mares on a bench… even a stallion that was being held hostage.

“I don’t get it. I mean, they’re just cardboard.” Rainbow said.

… Okay. What the hell? Rainbow Dash has never shown herself to care so little about innocent, DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MARE DO WELL EPISODE!

Even then, she still helped other ponies before claiming praise!

You know what? Never mind. I don’t know what I was thinking of accomplishing with this.

Or what about Daisy?

Grand Ruler gazed down at her. “You need to take the time to use your head before you ever use magic, or a weapon.”

Twilight tried to protest that she hit every target, but all Grand Ruler rebuffed her and said “That does mean anything. All you did was use your magic. What you did in there was reckless, and completely irresponsible.”

You starting to get a feel of how completely bullshit this whole training segment is? It just goes on and on like this, demeaning the characters without any real context to them. Okay, Rainbow Dash accidently shooting innocents. Something to get upset about. Doesn’t seem realistic, but hey, whatever.

But what about the rest of the failures? What is even the context of the training? Yes, Daisy used her magic, but according to your own damn law, she could use magic in battle! And it never says that it was to be anything, but “TRAINING”! It doesn’t say what kind of training, what she is supposed to focus on, the rules, what to do versus what not to do, instincts. Nothing. It has nothing to offer us except, “This is my training and I can make up what I want.”

And for those of you who are saying “Oh, you’re just upset that the main six is looking like idiots!”

Yes, but that’s not the problem with this scene! Even if you replace every single one of the main six with a different character, the problem is the same! The failures have no context in them because it is never clear what the characters are supposed to focus on! He’s just making up the rules as he goes! There has to be some kind of logic to this kind of thing, man! A plan? A goal? And maybe the means of which to execute that goal?!

So, they fail their tests and Celestia has a plan to set up a ‘mock mission’ for them. Yes, I’m spoiling it for you since it was so incredibly subtle.

Celestia did think they were, perhaps, a little harsh on them, but her husband assured her it okay. “She’ll learn, trust me. She will come round. I have faith in her, just as you do. Besides, I have an idea.”

You want to know what the mock test is? You really want to know? You really really want to know?

Okay. Here it goes.

A fire breaks out in a home and the Grand Ruler and Celestia send Daisy and her group to fix it. Daisy sees a family inside and tries to help them. However, the Grand Ruler orders Daisy to worry about the fire first.

So, since Dimwit Daisy is a dimwit, she follows the orders of the Grand Ruler and puts out the fire, sacrificing the innocent lives in the building.

The Grand Ruler, our hero.

It turns out that Daisy had not seen there was a box of gunpowder that if she had not quenched would have exploded injuring a lot of ponies.

So, the big lesson is, don’t try to save everyone. Don’t even try. If some ponies are going to die, let them die. It doesn’t matter if they are innocent or not, don’t even try.

I fucking hate this story.

And so yeah, apparently that story is what causes Twink to stop being a brat.

This story is too hard to get through and I need a break. Here’s a cute video of a cat while I try to clear my head.

Youtube Video

Come on, everypony, smile, smile, smile. Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine…

Oh… Um… Let’s continue.

So, our next episode begins with a prison break

What?

And Daisy and her friends are being sent to investigate. It turns out that many of the prisoners are caught trying to escape. So, it’s not really that much of a prison break.

And our group meets the warden of the prison.

The message was sent by the chief warden, Major Cerise Wonder. She was a pink alicorn who bared a strong resemblance to Princess Cadance, only her mane was all violet with no extra streaks, and she also had a golden horn, just like Lightning did, which meant she was capable of using the uniforce! It was part of helped her secure her job, as most of the prisoners feared her because of it.

YEH! OTAY! DATS GOOD! NA, DATS GOOD! IT’S TOTALLY FINE! I’M FINE! ARE YOU FINE?! IS EVERYPONY FUCKING FINE?! BECAUSE I’M FUCKING NINE! I’M RHYME! I’M SO TIME THAT I’M LIME!

So, they get to the planet of the prison, don’t ask, don’t care and they discover that the warden has been taken over by a changeling.

… What?

You know guys, if you are going to have a high security prison, shouldn’t the warden be able to withstand the Changeling possessing their bodies?! Or for that matter, how about some researching into defense techniques or abilities to help in this?! Oh, I forgot! This is the Grand Ruler’s kingdom! The one that couldn’t even defeat the stupid Diamond Dogs!

So, the main six and Cadance (who went with them for some reason) get captured easily by the changelings. Sure, why not?

But fortunately, Lightning is there to save the day!

Oh, Lightning, thank you so much for saving us poor, helpless girls!

… Jesus FUCK!

Lightning however battles the changeling, only to end up getting his ass kicked. You know, I’m starting to like where this story is going.

So, the changelings hook up Cadance to the machine and begin their countdown to doomsday.

I could only be so lucky.

Lightning and Daisy come up with the idea and convince the other prisoners that Chrysalis will betray them in the end. And yet, these are the ponies that put you in prison to begin with. Lesser of two evils?

But no. Rather than help Chrysalis, they decide to let Daisy and her friends go without any logical reason of why they would!

I’m not saying that what they did was wrong, but I’m saying I don’t know how or why they came to that conclusion!

They have a huge brawl, which is so poorly written I can’t tell what the fuck is going on, but who cares they stop the gun from destroying a planet or something, and they all go home. Jesus, we’re actually finally at the halfway mark!

And if you think it gets better after this… You weren’t the only one.

The next episode shows the Cutie Mark Crusaders gathering at Sweet Apple Acres for a big party. Inviting the entire team of Starfleet. Applejack spends all day in the kitchen.

Huff… I hate this story…

Making a big feast for everypony. The Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive late and find a bag of cookies that the Applejack was saving for later. Without asking permission, they decide to help themselves to it.

Still more accurate than Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners! No, I will not let it go!

But, uh oh! It turns out that those cookies were specially made for Celestia and the Grand Ruler! And everypony starts panicking!

Oh, no! If Celestia doesn’t get her cookies, well… She’s been known to do things…

Rhymey spoke severely to the girls…

“It’s all your fault, you’re all to blame.

These cookies weren’t yours, For Shame, For Shame!”

RHYMEY, THEY ARE FUCKING COOKIES! SUCK MY COCK, ASSHOLE!

Lightning felt it was partially his fault. “If only I had delivered the cookies when I knew I should have, none of this would’ve happened.”

My only hope is that this moment will make Lightning so depressed that the next scene will be him cutting his wrists.

So, our Cutie Mark Crusaders go out and buy boxes of cookies as an apology to Princess Celestia and the Grand Ruler. There, problem solved. We sure needed to dedicate an ENTIRE episode to this lesson!

Our next episode sees…

Chrysalis was in big trouble!

Oh my god! Chrysalis is in trouble! … Wait, isn’t she supposed to be the villain? … Why would we care at this point?

Over the past weeks she had sent a whole swarm of changelings to United Equestria to attack it all at once, but each and everyone one of them had been defeated and captured by Starfleet.

At this point I can’t tell who’s more a threat to the changelings. Starfleet, who defeats them, or Chrysalis, who send them off one at a time with no backup and no end goal.

Chrysalis and the captain had been rounding up every last changeling they could find from, but alas, even with the fortress guards, the gang was so small they didn’t even fill up a third of the throne room in the fortress.

Yeah, martial law really needed to be declared when they have maybe a couple of hundred of Changelings when Daisy and her friends could normally take on an entire army of them by themselves, but why would we want anything in this story to make sense?

Meanwhile, the captain of the Changelings decides to build another robot. Okay, how does he get the finances for ‘giant robot parts’ and cover them up?! I think they would have a treasury he’d have to go through to get them!

The robot then appears in New Ponyville. Well, that sure didn’t take long. Maybe the story is trying to end it as fast as it can.

I’m not even kidding. The story cuts from the captain building the robot to the robot attacks. My god, the pacing in this story is atrocious.

The robot, it turns out, actually can predict his enemy’s moves before they make them.

The heroes try to figure out how to stop it and we hear the story of an army of these robots that once attack Equestria and nearly defeated Celestia’s force. However, one pony (Mykan) stood up and defeated them. However, he has long since disappeared.

I have several questions.

One, how the hell did the changeling captain acquire them? Two, how the hell did he know how to put them back together? Three, where the hell did these things come from in the first place? Four, why is Daisy keeping information from the group that could save lives?

Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that part? Daisy has more information on who the pony might be, but refuses to share it.

Twilight actually knew a little more of the story of that particular pony, but she kept all hints of it to herself as a promise she made to her brother and Cadance.

Why? What’s the point? You are always going on and on about how Daisy wants to save lives and suddenly she doesn’t care anymore! Oh, god! It’s the brainwashing of the Grand Ruler taking effect! FIGHT IT, DAISY!

So, they trick the robot underground where it’s completely dark an manage to defeat it by attack its blind spots.

So, why did we even mention the pony legend if… aw, screw it.

So, it turns out that the captain of the Changelings was a giant robot the entire time and he’d been using the changelings to his advantage.

Since he has all the information on Lightning and his friends he needs, he no longer needs to disguise himself from her and leaves. But not after beating the shit out of Chrysalis.

Well, thank you very much. I wanted a great villain to be defeat by a stupid one. Though with how Chrysalis has been acting this entire story, maybe she’s just as stupid.

So, it’s Fluttershy’s birthday. An episode staring Fluttershy? SOLD!

“What’s a… birthday?” Goldwin asked.

It’s a day where we celebrate your birth on the day of your birth… This episode is about you, isn’t it?

Tinman: Yes.

FUCK!

Yeah, this episode is about the Tinman getting a birthday. Oh, good. I’m sure glad the character who has appeared in all of THREE EPISODES AND HAS CONTRIBUTED NOTHING TO THE OVERALL STORY, HAD A BIRTHDAY! I was worried that concern would keep me up all fucking night!

And of course, Daisy is a dimwit.

It was the same story everywhere. Twilight wasn’t very pleased with what she found…!

At the Cake’s bakery, she found only simple treats were made, and Pinkie Pie, again, was sampling them, even though it was at Applejack’s request to see if they tasted good. She also didn’t approve of the berries Buddy Rose had brought from his garden to decorate some of the cakes, saying they were decent at best, but not shining which were classified the best.

The entertainment didn’t meet her standards either. Rhymey wrote a poem for Goldwin. Fluttershy was training her animal friends to do acrobatics, and others were all doing just simple things. What really got on Twilight’s nerves was that no one else had thought of any presents to give Goldwin.

By this time, everyone was getting fed up with Twilight’s bossiness and all decided to head off to lunch.

Oh, yeah. Thanks Daisy. I’m glad the happiness of a friend is more important than your happiness! Screw you, Daisy.

But of course, this is just more fuel to the fire of the ever extending hatred of Princess Twilight, which doesn’t make a lot of sense, since his least favorite character and the reason he hates the show so much is actually Princess Cadance.

Yeah, in a video that he made, he admitted that Princess Cadance was the reason he hated the show as much as he does. So, it really doesn’t make a lot of sense that he’s chosen Twilight as a punching bag.

But whatever, Daisy’s friends storm off.

“Can you blame them?” Lightning asked “I think I’m going to go join them. You’ve got some serious thinking to do, Princess!”

Well, excuse me, asshole!

So, they have the birthday party, Dimwit Daisy learns a lesson that nopony will remember, and we move on to the next episode that is a two part-er called Back from the Dead.

I don’t know why it would be called that. No one has yet died, despite the fact that killing in this universe seems to be okay.

The episode starts with Chrysalis discovering her entire army has been captured by Starfleet. You’d think she would have noticed the dwindling about of troops she has! Does she have nopony to manage her soldiers and supplies?! No wonder she’s losing as bad as she is! The fucking Diamond Dogs are a bigger threat than she is! And she’s supposed to be the main fucking villain!

We then cut to Cadance who is not in a happy mood because it turns out it’s her deceased brother’s birthday.

Gee, I sure hope this character comes back from the dead as a corpse who falls in love with Celestia and has a battle with the Grand Ruler in which both of them die. … Don’t know how that would work with a corpse though? Ah, I’m sure I could think of something. After all, if the author of this story doesn’t care, why should I?

The robots end up attacking the group and the bad guy, I don’t even know if he gets a name in this, explains his backstory for us.

That’s something else I’ve noticed about the writing in this story. Rather than have a flowing narrative where it take prioritizing time and place to explain certain elements in the story, he fucking cuts the action by explaining the character’s backstory.

It was the same thing with Titan and the Serpent Tyrant from the last story! And it fucking ruins the action because it interrupts it for a backstory that could have been told sooner or later! This wouldn’t be as bothersome if the backstory was told flowingly throughout the course of the battle. But no, it doesn’t do that either!

So, after the unimportant backstory is told, which is so pointless it makes me wonder why it was even written, the captain of the robots… God damnit! Give him a fucking name! Here’s his name! Mr. Roboto!

Mr. Roboto attacks with his army of robots and overpowers the group.

The army of New Canterlot tries to help, but they prove ineffective. Clearly the robots are using Diamond Dog technology and tactics.

I know I won’t let it go, but if it wasn’t so stupid, I wouldn’t be harping on it as much!

The captain was just ruthless as his men. Twilight and Lightning had suffered many beatings from him.

Huh… What? Oh… I’m sorry, I fell asleep during your ‘spectacular’ fight scene. No, continue. I promise I’ll pay attention this time.

Twilight tried as much of her magic as she could, but it had no effect on his magic-resistant armor and just slicked right off of him like water.

Mr. Roboto manages to back Starfleet into a corner and nearly defeats them. But thanks to the magic of contrivances, this scene happens.

“Activate… auto-destruct!” groaned the captain and all his robots did as they were told and destroyed themselves, much to everyone’s extreme confusion. Then the captain begged everyone “Please… destroy me! I can’t hold it back!”

What the hell?! This comes the fuck out of nowhere! We learn later that this guy is actually Cadance’s deceased brother (spoilers by the way) and that he actually cares about her! But here’s the thing, Cadance is in Canterlot, not fucking Ponyville! If she had shown up, yeah, that’d be one thing! But she’s never in this scene! So, there is no reason why he should have restrained himself, other than ‘I need a way to get my heroes out of this, because they aren’t clever enough. And quite frankly, neither am I.’

And yeah, Cadance showing up would have been pretty damn contrived too, but it would have made more sense!

The armor falls off and it is discovered that Mr. Roboto is a pony.

The captain had taken a huge beating. His armor as scratched, he sparked a little bit and a couple of wires were sticking out of him. Yet he just stood there, quivering softly while angrily glaring at them all. “This is our chance.” Lightning said “Everyone ready?”

The two teams and the army of guards stood ready, and began to power up for the kill.

We don’t kill Changelings, but give us a pony and we’ll fire the fuck out of him! Even though he might be an innocent victim and we shouldn’t even try to help him!

Celestia and Cadance manage to get to get a message to Daisy and the others, via psychic powers, I don’t know, and stop them from killing off an innocent victim. Mr. Roboto uses their hesitation to get away.

When our ‘heroes’ get back to the palace, they have some choice words to say to Celestia and Cadance.

Even Twilight was cross and baffled with her teacher and sister-in-law. “Now he has a chance to repair himself. And he’ll be back and even stronger than ever.”

“No puedo creer esto! What’s wrong with you two!” growled Dyno.

“Never would I ever be ashamed of my own queen and a princess.” snarled Myte. All the friends started to extend their anger towards Celestia and Cadance.

How about all of you piss the fuck off?!

“QUIET!!!” Grand Ruler shouted, and the whole room feel silent with everyone gazing at him.

Okay. One point to the Grand Ruler. I feel sick about doing so.

So, yeah, we find out that this guy is Cadance’s brother.

Wonderful, another original character I could give less of a shit about.

So, Celestia explains the backstory of Cadance’s brother and what better way to do that than in song.

Youtube Video

Just replace Twilight with Cadance and Shining with Mr. Roboto and that’s basically it.

However, the robots show up from earlier and Celestia and Cadance see that Mr. Roboto had been possessed by the robots and he had begged them to kill him.

They didn’t of course. So, it’s not really coming back from the dead as it is faking his death. Whatever, I don’t care.

Of course this raises some questions, like WHY THE HELL DIDN’T MR. ROBOTO JUST TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA BACK THEN?!

It’s not like he was badly beaten! Nopony could defeat him! Nothing could stand in his way! Why the fuck did he retreat WHEN HE WAS WINNING?! Dear lord, this story is stupid!

The Grand Ruler orders the destruction of the creature and everyone, of course, agrees to it.

“A real life is at stake.” Starla said.

Yeah, that didn’t seem to stop you before, bitch.

Meanwhile, Chrysalis devours what little magical energy she was able to save and transforms into Super Chrysalis. Yeah, apparently, that’s a thing in this story.

Chrysalis attacks the city and the Starfleet heroes go to confront her. Before they leave however, the Grand Ruler, spur of the moment, gives our heroes new armor and weapons. … WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT BEFORE?!

IF HE HAD MORE ADVANCED WEAPONS AND ARMOR FOR THEM TO USE, WHY THE FUCKING HELL DID HE WAIT SO LONG TO GIVE IT TO THEM?!

GRRR… Anyway, they fight Chrysalis and starts kicking their asses. WHY THE HELL DID CHRYSALIS WAIT SO FUCKING LONG TO ATTACK THEM IF SHE’S POWERFUL ENOUGH TO… Forget it, I don’t care.

Buddy Rose went first with his whip, which could now extend at his command, “VINE WHIP, EXTEND!”

Dude, Buddy! I do not want to know about your ‘vine whip’!

After the battle, Chrysalis escapes and our heroes rejoice. They say that there are only two major threats left in the cosmos, just Chrysalis and Mr. Roboto.

And of course, me, since I am officially declaring war on New Canterlot. My evil plan is to send one monster at a time to destroy a group of heroes who struggle against said one monster, but manage to defeat it just barely. And I will do this until I run out of monsters and just do it myself, but they will be so powerful that I will end up losing in the end.

What, I’m sure Titan and Chrysalis would agree that…

Continued in Part 3

Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 3

The next episode we are going through is called.

Episode 20: Time for a Rhyme

Jesus… This episode is going to be nothing , but Rhymey isn’t it?

No? Oh, good.

A few days had passed, and there was no sign of any abnormal activity, this really confused everyone. If Chrysalis and Fratello had all this power at their hands, why weren’t they using it?

Is that not what I’ve been saying the pass few hours?! Maybe we’ll actually get an answer that isn’t stupid. Though I doubt it.

So, the group decides to take a break from all their training to go to a place called “Rhyme Time”, a café owned by Rhymey. God, I wish I was making that up.

Anyway, Rhymey gets on stages and reads some poetry to everyone. Here’s basically what it is…

Youtube Video

Okay, ignoring the abrupt ending, I want to talk about something that has really been bothering me about this story. The tone of it.

This story has no identity. This story has no idea what it wants to be. It doesn’t know if it wants to be an action story like Power Rangers. It doesn’t know if it wants to be more child friendly like Sesame Street. Or if it wants to be like My Little Pony. It has no idea what it wants to be. It’s trying to be all of these things and ultimately it succeeds at being none of them.

It’s like watching a darker cartoon like Gargoyles or Young Justice for 2 minutes, then switching to something like Dragon Tails or Barney and Friends, and then 2 minutes later, you switch to something like Adventure Time or The Looney Tunes Show. And then two minute you switch to something like Game of Thrones or Criminal Minds.

There is no consistency with the tone of the story. Now, I’m not saying a story couldn’t properly balance these things out to give it a unique tone. But this story doesn’t have that balance. I’m not given enough time to grasp the full tone of the story because it switches so often.

Give the first story some credit, it at least had a tone. It followed a Sailor Moon story line. Here’s your powers. Defeat enough monsters until you’re powerful enough to fight the big monster. Repeat until end of series.

Yeah, it sucked, but at least it knew exactly what it was. This story has no idea what it wants to be and in the end that ends up giving it no identity.

So, after Rhymey’s performance, with Twilight falling asleep to it.

You know how art sometimes imitates life and I’m totally falling asleep too?

The story suddenly starts rhyming the whole episode. Why? What’s the point? That’s a complete change of tone from the rest of the story. Nowhere else in the story does this happen. It’s completely pointless.

Twilight ends up in a strange world where all her friends are living different lives. Heck, even the Starfleet are basically watered down versions of themselves. I mean, that’s not much, but it’s actually rather interesting.

Twilight travels this strange world, which is much better than the one she left behind, and finds a mysterious creature named Nightmare.

Nightmare ends up attacking Twilight and ends up capturing Spike and puts him in a dungeon. Twilight manages to escape where she hopes to talk to the local sheriff to get some help. However…

“Wait!” cried Twilight “Let me out!”

But Warden Rhymey simply said “Quiet, you lout!”

“Insufficient poetry

Is a Class-D felony

You disregard our rhyming rules,

I’ll bet your one of Nightmare’s ghouls.”

Wait, so the world is forced to rhyme like Rhymey is? … Okay. Whatever. I just… lost caring.

Twilight is thrown in prison where she meets up with a wizard and genius. The story doesn’t bother to give them names, so why should I?

They explain to Twilight that Luna, yes, she’s in this story too, became jealous of her sister’s glory and became a creature named Nightmare. No, just Nightmare.

The trio manages to escape with the magician’s magic box.

Sure…

The box reveals to them a spell book that Twilight can use to defeat Nightmare. There’s only one problem. She has to speak… IN RHYMES!

Youtube Video

The group makes their way to Nightmare’s Castle, where Twilight battles the evil Nightmare and masters the rhyming technique.

Yay… I’m too lazy to get the Fluttershy clip.

Look, I’m not saying that this episode couldn’t work. Take the Christmas episode of Danny Phantom. Danny is forced to rhyme the entire episode because of the Ghost Writer (not that kind of ghost writer). After Danny had accidently destroyed a piece of work the Ghost Writer was working on, he forced Danny to rhyme until he learned the importance of the holidays.

This works because it gives a reason why Danny is being forced to rhyme, the Ghost Writer is a poet and thus that’s makes sense. This comes the fuck out of nowhere!

So, they defeat Nightmare, she turns back to Luna, who the fuck cares. This chapter is the worst yet and you want to know why? Because of the odd as shit pacing for this chapter. The story is already slow as hell and yet the way this chapter is written makes it feel slower. And yet, the story is so half assed it feels rushed as hell.

It’s actually hard to explain. It’s like the formatting is making the chapter longer than it actually is and the pacing is so rushed that it feels like everything is happening at once without a moment to cool off.

It’s actually kind of fascinating!

So, Twilight wakes up from her dream, this chapter is never mentioned again and nothing is overall gained from it. Out of all the pointless chapters in this story, this is probably the MOST pointless. It’s just a chance for Mykan to show off how ‘artsy’ he is.

The next episode is…

Enter, the Dragonoid

God, do we really need a comma there?! This story has enough problems without me mentioning all the bad grammar!

It was during the final battles of the last war, in Equestria’s last minutes before it exploded.

Really?! Well, that’s certainly unexpected. But not unwelcome.

Oh, wait, this is just a flashback to the battle against Titan.

I would say some more stuff happens but that would suggest that this story knew anything about character development.

Just cue the giant monster attacking.

Allow to introduce you to my latest, and greatest creation; Dragonoid!” With the click of a remote control in his hand, Fratello activated the robot dragon, and it roared loudly and extended its large claws, and began to stomp its way forward laying more paths of destruction through the town.

Youtube Video

A remote control? Really? This guy is so evil, he actually has a remote control? Seriously, is this his toy car or something? I’m sorry. It’s hard to take this guy seriously when he has to go to the supermarket for AA batteries for his death machine!

The robot attacks and the heroes rush it like they always do.

“Celesto!” cried Celestia as she and Shining Armor dashed over to him. “Cadance is gone.”

Oh, yeah, I forgot the Grand Ruler’s name is Celesto.

WRONG! The Grand Ruler's name is pronounced... "CHE-les-to."

So, Chelesto?!

I’m sorry, I should explain. In my video review, I pronounced the name ‘Cell-lest-o’. Why? Because you don’t pronounce Celestia ‘Che-lest-ee-a!’ and it’s not written any differently! Now, there could be a rule that states that the original way it was intended is technically correct, but that still throws people off!

So, Cheetolesto, Celestia and Shining Armor try to find Cadance. Maybe this will be like Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2 where Chrysalis kidnaps her for no fucking reason.

Meanwhile, our heroes continue to battle the dragon robot, but it keeps tearing the city apart.

Then, he turned to face the library. “No! Not my library!” Twilight shouted, and she dashed over. “Twilight, No!” cried Spike

Oh, don’t worry, Twilight. According to many fans of the show, the library is destroyed by Terik anyway in season 4. Yeah, I still haven’t seen that episode yet.

The battle continues to go badly, when Pinkie Pie comes up with a brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT plan to defeat him.

“That remote control!” cried Pinkie “We have to get it away from him.”

Youtube Video

However, after their plan fails, Princess Cadance arrives. Cadance tries to talk her brother down and stop his attack.

The group attacks once more, I really can’t follow this fight any more thanks to its poor presentation, and Lightning does what he should have done through the entire fic, Uniforce the fuck out of everything.

Lightning pulled and pulled with all his might and actually managed to yank Dragonoid’s head off of the body, exposing the insides of wires and circuits. “Time to end this!” shouted Lightning as his body began to glow along with his golden horn. “…UNIFORCE!!”

And it… shows a youtube video?

Youtube Video

And then it asks me to skip to 0:48? Humph, sorry, I don’t take orders from lesser fics!

Also, I guess Lightning just turned into a giant dinosaur with laser guns on his back and blasted the fucker to bits. … Although, this change could make the story slightly better.

Celestia and the Grand Ruler arrive just in time to scold Cadance for trying to stop her brother. You know, thanks for the help guys. Go ahead and sit on your asses and make out while I stop the monsters from killing everyone!

“I know…” said Cadance “But I thought maybe I cold reason with him, try to help him.”

Anna said the same thing about Elsa. Heh… Frozen humor…

Uggh, finally the six part Finale. I’ve been waiting for this moment for what feels like 35 minutes. So let’s just get through this.

So, after the destruction of Ponyville due to the giant dragon robot most of the citizenry are transferred to the royal palace. Which begs the question, where does the room for them come from?! Wouldn’t they have government funded shelters first?!

Crowlerestro and Celestia gather everypony to the throne room to discuss the Rainbow Rod. No, not the Grand Ruler’s Rainbow Rod. Lightning’s Rainbow Rod. No, not that Rainbow Rod. The Rainbow Rod is a magical item that Lightning was given to defeat the villains.

Get your head out of the gutter, you sickos!

During the course of the first story, the Rainbow Rod was destroyed as a result with the battle with Titan, not that I remember that, but it could be just a result of the alcohol.

The Grand Ruler explains that there might be a way to repair it. Of course the Grand Ruler would know, after all…

Being a chosen child of the gods, he was gifted with extraordinary knowledge, though it wasn’t always clear even to him and it only happened once in a great while if he desperately sought an answer for the good of all.

Humph… I find that hard to believe. If he was so knowledgeable, why the hell is he in THIS story? And a chosen child of the gods? Oh, yeah, a group of gods that we never see or hear from, making me believe that this is all in the Grand Ruler’s head. Not too far off actually.

Recently, he had been having dreams, which were actually visions of prophecy and knowledge given to him by the gods.

Oh, yeah. I remember those dreams, in the all of 0 scenes that it actually happened! SHOW US SOMETHING!

Turns out a planet far away from them called Esper had a power far greater than anything in the universe (until season 3 at least) and that they sealed it away in a Cave of Illusions. I’m sure there was more, but I just blacked out for a second.

What was I doing?

So this cave is on the planet where Chrysalis currently resides. Of course there is mention of Chrysalis being the only thing on the planet now, which begs the question, why the hell doesn’t Lightning and the Grand Ruler perform a huge invasion of her hiding place and capture her while she’s there?! They know where she is and yet they sit in their castle checking out Celestia! The pervs!

So, a group of unicorns volunteer for the mission. I would tell you who but let’s face it, they’re all interchangeable.

Her magic would be useful there too, but they all figured they would need one more member, one whom could help them in the darkness. “I know just who.” said Celestia. That’s when her sister appeared. “Princess Luna?” asked Twilight. “Yes…” Luna said proudly “As one with the power of darkness, I will be of great help to you all.”

Oh… Sorry, Princess Luna, you’re not important enough to be in this fan fiction. I’m afraid you can’t go with them.

I should feel bad, but let’s face it, as far as the MLP characters are concern, Luna was spared most of the story’s wrath!

They arrive on the planet and start looking for the cave when Chrysalis discovers where they are and apparently her magic is so powerful that she’s able to warp reality.

Huh?!” they both exclaimed, and the others realized it was only a magical illusion. “She’s not really there.” said Twilight, and right then the illusion vanished, and the ground began to quake. “What’s happening?” asked Spike.

“I don’t think I want to know.” cried Krysta. That was when the ground burst wide open and powerful magical forces seemed to grab everyone and pull them all into the bowels of the planet.

Again, why the hell is she not…?! I have yet to receive an answer to any of my questions. I don’t know why I’m bothering.

Each of the characters run into their worst fears and deal with them in the most implausible of ways. Hell, just look at the way Daisy handles hers.

“Silence!” yelled her teacher. She did not look a bit pleased and said that she was tired of Twilight’s bungling and messing things up. Twilight was confused and tried to protest, but Celestia just grew crosser. “You have ruined things for the last time, and I have no choice.” That’s when her horn began glowing “The penalty for your actions, Twilight Sparkle… you shall… DIE!!” She fired a shot which Twilight dodged, and she began to run away for her life, but was unable to understand what was happening. Suddenly, she tripped and kicked a stone that was on the ground right at Celestia… and she just vanished in a cloud of smoke.

Yeah, a whole paragraph of dealing with her greatest fear. I hate to say it, but even Sombra was better at this.

After a few more pointless fears that amount to nothing, Daisy and the others (except Lightning if anyone is surprised) get captured by Chrysalis.

Chrysalis demands that Lightning surrender, but Lightning refuses and attacks her.

However, it turns out it is just another illusion, when suddenly he is attacked by… evil clones of all the characters?

Sure. I’ll buy it. I’ll buy you whatever you want! I’ll buy you tickets to Saturday Night Live if I can stop reading this hunk of shit!

The group arrives just in time to save Lightning (damn it) and they battle their evil halves.

“This should be easy.” Spike gloated at the Evil Spike “I don’t even know how to fight, so you must-- AAH!” His clone grabbed him by the tail and began to whacking him on the ground like a hammer. “Ow! Ouch! Ooh…! Know how to fight.” Spike said all dizzy and groggy.

Pff… GOD DAMNIT! I LAUGHED AT A MYKAN STORY! UNIRONICALLY! GOD DAMNIT!

The team starts to get badly beaten by their evil clones and they come up with the idea of switching targets.

But that doesn’t work. Okay, point to this story for actually coming up with something clever. But they it goes right around and has Spike figure out the way to defeat their evil clones is to… not fight?

Well, I’ll admit. I didn’t see that one coming. Of course, I don’t care to see any of it coming.

So, yeah, the group stands down and the villain let them pass. Because, why would we actually want our heroes to overcome difficult obstacles through blood and sweat?

They make their way to where the magic power is held, but it turns out Chrysalis beat them to it. … What would the evil version of Chrysalis look like?

Sounds legit.

However, the magic proves unstable (I’m not questioning it, why should you?) and it threatens to destroy the entire planet. The group leaves before the planet explodes. They arrive back home where they tell the Grand Ruler the bad news that Chrysalis is now more powerful than before. Even though she was just fine with taking out Starfleet’s elite, but power begs more power, I guess?

… Four more chapters… Here’s we go…

We start our last part with Mr. Roboto working on his latest creation. However, Chrysalis discovers where he is and attacks him, easily overpowering him.

WHY HAVE YOU WAITED SO LONG TO…! Never mind. It’s the last four chapters, I’m just going to rush through them.

Chrysalis pins him down and demands to know how to use his latest creation. Mr. Roboto refuses.

Chrysalis gazed at him, then back at the giant robot and grinned wickedly.

Fratello didn’t like the look her eyes.

This does not give good flashbacks of another fan fiction with an incredibly long title.

We cut to Equestria where everyone is on alert…

Not only was Starfleet remaining ever vigilante, but so were the Wonderbolts and any other creature skilled in fighting who wished to help out.

So, they’re all turning into superheroes? … Is this story turning into My Little Avengers? … If so, I’m down with that.

The Griffons, the Minotaur, even the Diamond Dogs were willing to fight.

War over! You win! Diamond Dogs are apparently the most tactically advanced species in the world! Just send an army of those fuckers and they’ll go Legolas on their asses!

Spike even managed to convince many of the dragons to help out too, though it took some time as the dragons didn’t trust a pint-size like Spike who lived with ponies.

And now even dragons are fighting alongside them! How are they not going to win?! Even if the robots are supposedly more advanced, I don’t think that they can match an entire world!

Twilight is concerned about gathering the powers of harmony, yeah; I guess that’s a thing now. I would say it made more sense if you read the previous chapter, but honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on either and I read the damn thing.

So, I guess, Twilight gets a promotion, which I guess is supposed to mirror the promotion that she got in season 3.

Chrysalis and Mr. Roboto (I guess he’s working for her now) attack New Canterlot with an army of robots, but thankfully since the ENTIRE PLANET IS FIGHTING THEM, the fight is over before it even starts. Oh, wait, I was trying to add logic to this scenario.

No, they get there asses kicked.

Especially once Mr. Roboto unleashes his greatest creation.

“Meet the instrument that will seal your fate, Ponies; the Doom-Droid!”

Now, note that he said ‘ponies’ here. I would say that he means all of the ponies, including his own characters, but frankly the pessimist in me is saying that he just means ‘ponies’, not including his ‘unicorns’!

It turns out that the army of robots was just a distraction to wear our heroes down. Because a small army can take on an entire world in a face to face scenario! I think that’s how tactics work! Fuck Fire Emblem!

You know I don’t mean that, baby. I love you.

The robot turns out to be too powerful for our heroes, and it forces the Grand Ruler’s and Celestia’s hands. They turn into…

No, you’re not high. This is actually happening.

Though, I’m sure by now, you wish you were.

But thanks to the Doom Dozer’s ability to absorb energy, which was established early in the fight, the Doom Dorker is able to absorb the GCR’s energy attack and send it back at him/her/it/whatever.

And our story ends with everybody dying. Or at least, that would be me trying to kill myself.

The chapter actually ends with our heroes questioning what to do, after seeing GCR get his/it/fuck it’s ass kicked.

Things kept going from bad to worse, then from worse to way worse.

Well, I’m glad this could be shown to us this way or else, I might not have known things were going badly. At least the author had the decency to tell us.

I could have never figured that out, with THEIR BIGGEST GUN FLATTENED!

The palace gets attacked by an army of robot men… How many of these fuckers did Mr. Roboto make?!

He can’t have made more than a dozen thousand and again, AN ENTIRE PLANET including the very powerful Diamond Dogs are fighting them!

Chrysalis couldn’t stop laughing with glee. Her plan was foolproof, and the best part of it all was no one could even try to attack her. They’d either be stopped by the robot-men, Doom-Droid, the chaos storm, or by she herself. Even launching attacks from below did nothing.

Give me a sniper rifle and two thousand yards and…

What? He doesn’t need it.

Worse than that, the teams and the army were growing exhausted and couldn’t keep going much longer. “There’s… just… too many of them!” Lightning panted.

Again, glad we could be seeing this. AND NO, I DON’T MEAN IN A LORD OF THE RINGS YOUTUBE VIDEO!

“Leave my friends alone!” shouted a voice. Twilight looked up and could see Spike riding atop of one of many hundreds of dragons, flying to the scene. “Spike!” cried Twilight. Spike leapt down from his dragon ride, “Ta-da! In person, or rather dragon.” and he told his dragon buddies to have at the robots.

Soon more reinforcements arrived. “It’s the Griffins!” cried Rainbow. “And here come the Diamond Dogs.” cheered Rarity “And I can’t believe I’m actually cheering for them.”

“And there’s the Minotaur gang!” cried Fluttershy.

Uh… I have no idea. I was under the impression they were there the entire time! Why was it not made clear that they were off somewhere else?! You mentioned that they had allied themselves with them, but not that they were only on their way!

Ugh, I blame poor management of the scene and not on my lack of attention to details.

So, I guess there is some kind of evil energy being generated by the Doom Doodie and it’s threatening to destroy all of Equestria.

The group comes up with a plan to sneak inside the robot and shut it down from the inside. Of course, I’m sure there are precautionary measures to keep that from happening or from it being so easily done…

“Something is wrong!” cried Fratello “Every system has shut down and is slowly recharging, but I can’t seem to move at all.”

Lightning slowly got to his feet chuckling, “You’ve fallen right into our trap!”

“Trap?!” snapped Fratello, and then he realized he had been outsmarted.

God damnit, you suck as a villain, Mr. Roboto!

So, with the robot disabled the heroes attack with everything they’ve got. Lightning and Mr. Roboto fight while the rest of the group battle Chrysalis at the end of part 2.

Part 3 shows the heroes… OH, COME FUCKING ON!

They were so tired that even the slightest nudge from the robots was enough to knock them over, and The Ruler was still recuperating “It’s… no use!” panted Twilight “There’s too many of them!”

How many of the fucking things are there?! And now they actually have the impervious Diamond Dogs fighting alongside them! There is no excuse this time! It’s just to add drama to a scene where a group of primitive Diamond dog, who were able to take out Starfleet with no problems, are all gathered in once spot battling robots that can barely take on Starfleet’s best!

When Lightning is about to die, Twilight and the others, somehow, gain the power of the Elements of Harmony, even though those were destroyed by Titan… Oh, who gives a shit at this point?

And they use that power on Chrysalis.

Twilight and friends were confused at first, but suddenly realized that it was the power of Harmony awakening within them again! “No! It can’t be!” cried Chrysalis “Not again!”

Oh no! This power that was never once used on me! Not again!

They defeat Chrysalis, but she manages to get away.

However, they can still battle Mr. Roboto. Lightning comes up with a plan and… sends Mr. Roboto through a black hole? Yeah, just… just go with it.

We get another youtube video and the heroes blow up the villain.

He and all his friends fired their power into The Ruler’s staff, and The Ruler sent the biggest blast ever towards Doom-Droid destroying it in a massive explosion.

Did you see that explosion?

Yeah, it was –like- the biggest explosion evar.

I know, right? Like- the biggest!

With that, Mr. Roboto is about to die and he asks Cadance to finish him so that he no longer as to endure the pain.

You know… With a bit of reworking honestly… This scene could have worked.

I know you all think I’m crazy right now, but honestly, this could have been something emotional. Cadance is faced with the truth that her brother is beyond saving and that she must come to terms with that.

If there had been more depth through the Cadance and Mr. Roboto thing, if there had been more of an interaction between them and we got to know more about Mr. Roboto, this scene honestly could have worked.

… Well, I guess it does go to show that Mykan can have good ideas. He really can.

It’s just that… the effort isn’t there. If he really wanted to do this and he knew that this was going to be the focus, I honestly think this scene could have had a greater impact. But honestly, it feels … robotic, if you’ll excuse the pun.

It feels like it’s programmed to be this, not because it felt right. Not because that was what the emotions were going through at the time. It feels like it ‘has to be there’ rather than ‘it feels good here’.

So, after that supposedly heartbreaking scene, Chrysalis is attacked by the entire group and is, somehow able to fend them all off, including the Grand Ruler and Celestia.

… Don’t ask. The story is almost over.

However, after finally pinning her down, they allow Chrysalis to live.

You would show mercy to dark, wretched beings like me and my changelings… after all that we have done?” snarled Chrysalis “You are indeed very unusual creatures.”

And then, Chrysalis and Cadance had a child.

So, with Mr. Roboto’s death and Chrysalis’s surrender, life starts to return to normal.

Cadance continues to mourn the loss of her brother…

Cadance gazed sadly at her uncle. “I know. I just wish I could’ve saved him. He would have done the same for me.”

As much as all the others wanted to believe in that old faith, as much as even Celestia wanted to, she openly admitted “No, he wouldn’t have. Not if it were impossible. He pretty much would have done just what you did.”

… Thanks a lot, you fucking bitch! While you’re at it, why don’t you tell her that she’s the least loved princess in all of the fandom?!

Hey, if it weren’t the truth, I wouldn’t be saying it.

Everypony continues to be a bitch to Cadance, because Mykan hates Cadance, but that’s an explanation for another time.

And then our story ends with … Another fucking song?! Of course. Why the fuck not?!

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THIS FAN FIC IS THE WORST!

It is unbelievable how bad this thing is! I cannot imagine a more horrible fic! If you guys thought the first one was bad, this one makes that one look like a fucking masterpiece!

The characters in this story are so bland and so under developed! The new characters are barely touched on and we barely know anything about them! You could have totally ripped them from the story and nothing would have changed!

As for the reoccurring characters, they are just as under developed here as they were in the first season! They have nothing distinguishing their personalities from one another! You could literally replace everyone’s dialogue with somepony else and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference! Except for Rhymey, but that’s only because he only speaks in rhymes! That doesn’t mean he has a personality! That is a quirk!

Quirks do not make personalities!

The only characters that seem to have any character is the Main Six, but they are so watered down, they’re barely recognizable. And that’s even if they appear in the story. Most of the time the Main Six, with the exception being Twilight, play background ponies to the Great Unicorn Starfleet Master Race Bullshit!

And then you have Twilight Sparkle, who is made purposely idiotic and learns all the lessons in the story! Look, I know she has a lot to learn and she does learn in the show, but how many episodes focus on the other characters?! Cutie Mark Crusaders learn things in the series! Her friends! Spike!

Twilight was the one who probably got buttfucked the most! She’s incompetent, inconsiderate, and any time she tries to think differently, she is seen as wrong and is ultimately humiliated for it.

And then we have our villains! Good god, our villains in this series sucked!

Mr. Roboto could have worked a lot better if he wasn’t so bland! He is the typical possessed pony instead of just misguided! Even his pony identity had nothing to him and we really didn’t get to know him that well or his relationship with Cadance! Which makes his death mean nothing in the end, because we don’t care about him or what he had with his sister! In order for a character’s death to mean something, we have to get to know them!

Chrysalis had no reason for redemption at the end! There was no reason for Chrysalis to break down and start crying when the heroes caught her causing her to repent her ways! If there had been some kind of build up or something that even remotely hinted that she was going to change her ways, that would have been more acceptable! But there isn’t, it just comes out of the fucking blue and we are expected to buy it because ‘THE GRAND RULER IS SO AWESOME!’ and ‘HE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS’!

Well, answer me this, dumbass! If you knew that there was an alternative energy to give Chrysalis to make her stop fighting you, then why the fuck did you wait so long to offer it to her?! Did you just enjoy seeing her suffer?!

Which of course, leads into the sexism again. There are traces of it everywhere! It’s particularly bad to the main six, but that’s something I’d expect from him since he doesn’t like My Little Pony anyway. But I was shocked when I saw some of the things that he did to Starla. He downright made her a bitch to Lightning and she’s the one who was wrong and she’s the one who has to apologize! Lightning isn’t much better since he’s about as bigoted as the author!

The plot is incredibly ridiculous! It’s the same tired plot as the first one just now we have more educational style episodes blocking the way as well. The plot drags on forever, with the same recycled theme! Send monster, monster fails, repeat until the end! The only way this could work is if you make the characters within those stories interesting, which even then, can only hold interest for so long! And when you don’t make your characters interesting, like in this, it makes the story seem much longer than it already is!

The tone of this story is all over the place! It can’t decide what it wants to be! Does it want to be a story for a younger audience, a really young audience or an adult audience?! It feels like it’s trying to be all three at the same time, but doesn’t do it well enough to balance the three! I always feel like I have to adjust myself every time it tries to shift its tone! A good show like Avatar the Last Airbender is good at being for multiple audiences without talking down to its audience.

And that’s another thing I have an issue with. The writing style. This style makes me feel like I’m a little kid again and not in the good way. This writing style talks down to you as if you were too young or stupid to understand it. It doesn’t challenge you and it doesn’t give you a chance to grow! This story’s writing style babies you! It treats you with disrespect and thinks that you aren’t smart enough to figure out anything on your own!

There are so many inconsistencies that contradict its own story or the previous one!

This story can’t stand on its own merits and even if you read the previous one, this doesn’t make any sense!

And yes, as far as writing goes, there are so many spelling and grammar errors that I didn’t even touch! But that’s only because this review has been nearly 30000 words long and there was just so much more wrong that I touched up on, that if I had to point out every little grammar and spelling error, we wouldn’t be halfway through it by now!

This story is one of the worst I’ve read people! This is far worst the first season and it’s only expected to be even more so from here on out.

I just wish… I just wish that … I knew what I was doing all this for… Why do I put myself through this torment? This suffering? What is even the point of it all? Why do I review bad fan fic week after week? … Is this all I have? Why do I do it?

…

…

…

…

Of course…

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My name is the Critique. And I review fan fics.

I’m gonna review fan fictions that always suck such dicks!

It doesn’t matter now if it is good or bad.

I wanna make you laugh and help you feel not so sad.

Cause I love to make you L O L (Yes I do.)

It makes my heart tolerate all the hell. (Yes, it does.)

Cause all I really needs an L O L from these happy fans of mine.

I like to read your thoughts. I love to hear you respond.

To see you interact with me is something of I’m quite fond.

But if you’re kind of worried, and you’ve been so hurt in the past,

I’ll work so hard and do my best to make sure that it is the last.

Cause I love to make you laugh, laugh, laugh. (Yes, I do)

I revel in suffering on your behalf.

Just give me a joyful laugh, laugh, laugh and you fill me with good cheer.

It true some critics are just assholes and maybe they made you sad

But Critique is here to show that we aren’t all bad.

There’s one thing that makes me happy and makes all this shit worthwhile!

And that’s when I get to see my friends’ emoticon smile!

I really am so happy! Your comments fill me with glee!

I give my rage, I get a laugh and that’s so special to me!

Cause I love to see you L O L (Yes, I do)

All a story has to do is make me yell (Not that hard)

It makes me happy when you L O L. Yes it always makes my day!

Come on everypony, laugh out loud.

Fill my page up with comments, comments.

All I really needs an L O L from my fans happy response!

Come on everypony, laugh out loud. Come on everypony, laugh out loud.

Fill my page up with comments, comments. Fill my page up with comments, comments.

All I really needs an L O L from my fans happy response! All I really needs an L O L from my fans happy response!

Yes, the perfect give for me Come on everypony, laugh out loud.

is for you to laugh out loud, Fill my page up with comments, comments.

it makes me happy as can be! All I really needs an L O L from my fans happy response!

Laughter, laughter, laughter, laughter, laughter!

Laugh! Come on and laugh! Come on and laugh

…

…

…

… There, NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

***

A thunderous rumble shook the entire facility followed by a flash of orange light. Starla Shine lips curled into a smile. The explosion was right on time. Her hears took to the sound of the alarms blaring all around her. Guards of all shapes, sizes, and races raced past her trying to get to the other side of the facility.

Starla snuck into one of the hallways and tapped on her earpiece. “Rhymey, phase one complete. Begin Phase two.”

A voice came from her earpiece, “That is what I will do. Move on to phase two.”

She almost rolled her eyes. She hated the way he spoke, but he couldn’t help it. It was driven into his mind that he was to speak that way. Besides, it wasn’t important to their mission. Only Lightning, her beloved, was.

She glanced out a nearby window. As she anticipated the majority of the guards were at the low security wing, where the explosion had taken place. The guards were gathering the prisoners threated by the spreading fire and released them from their cages. Backing them into a nearby wall, guns at the ready. Everything was going according to plan.

She made her way down to the walkway separating the low security from high security. Placing a small stone on the floor, her horn began to glow. The stone began to emanate a light that would fade for a second before lighting up again, like a pulse.

Within a second, another explosion came from the far side of the high security sector. She smiled. All the security officers were off dealing with the fire and the first explosion. And if they were smart, they had already figured out the first explosion was simply a ruse.

Her horn glowed once more as she slowly backed away from the walkway, hiding behind a nearby wall. The small stone levitated off the ground and began to gently float its way across the bridge. After a few moments, she heard the scream of one of the ponies on the other side. “Look out!”

Only a moment later, the stone exploded, ripping a huge chunk of the walkway apart. With that, she rushed down the hallway, making her way to the cells. She knew the explosion would give her a little bit of time and that was all she needed. With the walkway destroyed, only Pegasi would be able to get through and help contain them. If only they would take the Grand Ruler’s gifts of being an Starfleet Officer. But she knew they never would. They weren’t smart enough.

She made her way to one of the cellblocks.

Suddenly, one of the doors burst open with a bolt of lightning. She took a step back as the door slammed against the other side of the wall. Out of the cell, trotted Thunder Ice. “Good to be back,” he stated.

“Thunder,” Starla stated. She wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Thunder wrapped his hooves around her. “You know it, baby.” He pushed her away. “Just let me have 5 minutes with that librarian and I’ll be great.”

Starla grabbed his hoof. “We have to get Lightning.”

Thunder shook his head and scoffed. “Lightning? You really want to save that guy?”

Starla nodded. “We need to.”

Thunder wrapped his hooves around her, only for her to violently shove them away. “Come on! He’s a loser. You don’t need him! I’m the only reason you’re here, right?”

Starla shook her head. “The Grand Ruler requested only Lightning.” Thunder’s eyes widened as Starla continued. “I convinced him to free you and Daimon.”

Thunder’s eyebrow rose. He shook his head and gave a surrendering sigh. “Alright.”

“Freeze!” a voice came from the hallway. “Hooves on the ground now.” A group of Pegasi stood at the end of the hall, pointing their guns straight at them.

Thunder gave a sinister smile. “Sure thing.” He placed his hooves on the ground as told. Then a bolt of electricity fired from his hooves, sending it straight into the Pegasi’s bodies. They all screamed in agony and tumbled to the ground.

Thunder turned to Starla. “Go save your boyfriend.”

She rushed down the hallway, making her way past cell after cell. The prisoners were getting riled up, rattling the bars and screaming loudly into the hall, demanding to know what was going on. Phase three, she said to herself. But first…

She made her way to cell AO0C. She wondered, since it was Lightning’s number code, if it was done purposely or just a cruel joke by the universe.

Regardless, she appeared to the front of the door. “Lightning!” she cried.

A voice came from the other side. “Starla?! Is that you?!”

Her heart started to quake as she heard his voice. How long had it been since she heard his voice? “Hang on! Back away from the door!”

After a second of waiting, she opened her mouth. “STAR SHOWER!” A blast of magic came from her body, slamming into the door like a battering ram. The door flew open, nearly off its hinges. As the smoke cleared, she saw the image of the tall white Starfleet officer she loved. He looked to her as a smile came to his face.

The two embraced each other in their arms. Starla’s head sank into his chest. “I missed you so much.

Lightning whispered in her ear. “I’ve missed you too.” He leaned in for a kiss, but Starla put up her hand, stopping his lips.

“We can’t stay here. We need to leave,” she stated. “Now.”

Taking him by the arm, she rushed down the hallway. Rhymey should be on his way with the other target they were supposed to free.

A moment later, a loud cry came from down the hall as the wall burst outward sending rubble in front of Starla and Lightning, nearly hitting both of them. As the smoke cleared, a yellow unicorn appeared before them alongside a tall, muscular human.

“Rhymey?” Lightning began eyeing the human. “Who is this?”

Starla put her arm on Lighting’s shoulder. “I’ll explain later. We need to move now.”

Daimon stepped forward. “I’m not going anywhere with you! I need to get back to save Lily!”

Starla glanced to Daimon. “Lily is safe!”

Daimon’s eyes widened as he mouth slowly opened. “Wh-what?”

Starla scoffed and placed her hoof on her head. “I’m sorry, I can’t explain right now! We really need to leave!”

Daimon nodded and turned towards the end of the hall. With a battle cry, he rammed his way through the thick stone wall as if it were made of cardboard. Rhymey followed him. Starla and Lightning stood at the exit as Thunder Ice slid across the floor, skating on the ice trail he made in front of him.

Starla put her hands to her mouth, making an imaginary megaphone. “Thunder, release the electric locks on the cells.”

Thunder nodded as generated electricity throughout the hallway. The bolts of lightning hit the doors dead on, short circuiting the locks and releasing the doors. One by one, each of the prisoners walked out of their cages.

While they contemplated what to do, Lightning, Starla and Thunder Ice retreated through the whole in the wall, where only a few miles out in the forest, their escaped awaited them.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: How There Friendship Connect

“In what is being call the biggest prison break in Equestria’s history, 40 convicts were unaccounted for,” a newscaster explained. “What happened at the Canterlot Penitentiary is still not completely understood. However, what can be determined is that this was the work of outside forces as two staff members have been unaccounted for.”

“In the riots that ensued after the initial bombing, 7 ponies were killed, including 2 of the Canterlot guards. Over 75 ponies were injured, including many of the convicts. As an added casualty, Mr. Air Speed’s position as warden of the prison has been vacant. It is unclear who the next warden will be, but filling in as ‘acting warren’ is Charming Chorus by suggestion of Princess Celestia.”

“The prison staff is expected to make an announcement about who will be in charge of the prison sometime today. Until then, Princess Celestia has asked everypony to remain calm and to stay on alert. The convicts that escaped are considered to be some of the most dangerous ponies in all of Equestria.”

***

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique!

And thank fucking god, Mykanuary is over. Jesus, I haven’t seen so much shit, since the last time I ate at Taco Bell and order the fucking Chicken Burritos.

But that’s a story for another time. For now, we are in the month of love…

God, I hate this month. It’s almost as bad as Hearth’s Warming, but nowhere near as bad as Sequel September.

The month where we dedicate our lives to our romantic partner, really starts to piss me off! Here’s why!

…

NO, IT’S NOT BECAUSE I’M SINGLE AND BITTER!

No, the reason this holiday pisses me off, is because it all started because of a fucking love potion! That’s right, the holiday where we celebrate us forcing couples together, was started by the same fucking thing. It’s good to know we’ve made some fucking progress.

Sorry, everypony. I’m just really not in a good mood, only a week after Mykanuary. All the more power to me this week, as we read a god awful fic. This one barely even tried to be good and is so contrived, you swear it was the love potion. And yet somehow, that would make this story more entertaining.

So, let’s just dig into Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy How there Friendship Connect by … FUCKING CHRIST! YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THE RIGHT ‘THERE’ IN THE FUCKING TITLE!

You guys probably thought that was a typo. “The Critique has finally lost it! Look what state Mykanuary has left him in!”

Guys, I wish I was in that state! Because then I wouldn’t have to endure such garbage like this shit!

Here’s Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy How “THEIR” friendship connect by RewColty

It was a nice, pretty day in ponyville.

Oh, I so don’t miss these.

The birds singing, the ponies walking, socialize, flowers growing.

Ponies walking Socialize? What, is socialize the name of your dog or something? How do you walk an interaction between ponies?! Fuck it, I’m going to name my pet elephant Socialize, just so this stupid sentence can make sense!

The beautiful farm, sweet apple acres, have a new shed under contruction build by 4 ponies named applejack, rainbow dash, fluttershy and twilight sparkle.

Oh, Jesus. The third fucking sentence people! The third fucking sentence! I mean, my god! There is barely any basic grammar here. Capitalization on the names of ponies, places and things! Even Mykan got that right at least some of the time!

So, a storm hits and a lightning bolt hits Fluttershy, but thankfully Rainbow Dash saves her. Yeah, that was almost paraphrasing. Want to see how much paraphrasing I did? Here’s how much.

A thunder suddently struck the left of fluttershys wing. She falls but rainbow dash saved her life, at the cost of the roof which fell and broke.

This is a major, major problem with this story. The show in this story is nonexistent! We are just told what happens. “Fluttershy’s in pain. Rainbow Dash and Applejack felt sorry for her. Twilight uses her magic to heal her.” SHOW, DON’T TELL! Don’t tell us Fluttershy in pain, make Fluttershy show us her being in pain!

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Her voice, her speech, her facial expression! All hinted at her being in pain! Thank you, Fluttershy!

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Anyway, Fluttershy is happy that Rainbow Dash saved her life.

Fluttershy, while in pain, is happy that rainbow saved her life.

Are we starting to see the major problem in this story?!

Also, little fun fact, we have gone through a couple of plot points, like the storm and Fluttershy getting electrocuted. And not a single line of dialogue. Yes, not one of the characters has actually said anything. We are told they say something, but they never actually speak.

Now, there are certain instances where it is okay for characters not to speak. But usually something is going on with the characters. Even if you take away thoughts and such, they still have something going on with them. Seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling, hearing! They are using their senses even if they are not saying anything!

I feel like I’m being told an episode by a four year old rather than reading a story. This sounds like a Wikipedia summery and yet, somehow that would be more entertaining.

Rainbow Dash gets a nice long look at Fluttershy and realizes that she is in love with her. Well, I’m glad it took her almost dying to do that. It’s not like anything else could have done that. Certainly not a relationship.

Fluttershy questioned rainbow on why shes looking at are.

Maybe she wants to look at ‘R’? Why not? R sounds like a better character than anyone else in this story so far.

Rainbow shook her head and notice that if she stays in the clouds to long, she too will be strucked by lighting.

A fate that not even Starla Shine wants to be a part of.

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Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

Applejack is upset that her roof is destroyed.

Well, she sure seems mighty upset about it. Let’s take a look at Applejack and see how upset she is.

Now, that is a face of pure rage and anger. And I know rage and anger.

Twilight then ran out to buy a new one.

Because I guess Twilight can just do that. Princess or not, where does she go to buy roofs? Roofs ‘R’ US? Oh, hi R! God, you’re the best character in the story, R!

R: Yeah, I’m fucking awesome! Now piss off loser! I got to go get myself drunk!

Loser! That’s awesome! God, I love that guy!

Applejack resumed working on the shed as rainbow helps fluttershy get back home.

So, yeah, Applejack starts working on the roof again, in the middle of a thunderstorm, AFTER FLUTTERSHY JUST GOT ELECTRICUTED! God, its decisions like these that make me realize why the fandom hates Applejack. The problem is the fandom itself.

Urgh, this whole story… I could literally make a joke about every sentence in this story. That’s how bad this story is. But I’m going to skip through most of it. Believe me, you aren’t missing much.

Rainbow Dash takes Fluttershy home and…

"Dont worry fluttershy, you'll be ok." Said rainbow.

Hoy shit, a talking pony! It’s a talking pony! Can’t believe what I’m seeing! A talking pony! Wow! Who’d have thought?!

Rainbow Dash flies home after tucking Fluttershy in for the night and Rainbow Dash wants to be with Fluttershy always. But she’s worried that Fluttershy might not feel the same.

Oh, don’t worry. The chemistry between you two only needs to be as good as this story. And you’re already doing a very good job of that.

Another thing that has been a problem with the story is the changing of tenses in this story. The story has no idea if this is a past tense story or present tense. It just flops back and forth like a mares volleyball match and yet less entertaining. … A lot less entertaining.

The next day Rainbow Dash heads over to Fluttershy’s house to check up on her. Fluttershy says that her wing is healing. Oh, I’m sorry. The story tells us that Fluttershy tells Rainbow Dash that her wing is healing.  Are quotes hard to use? Are they just foreign to your computer?

You know this story wouldn’t be so bad, if you actually tried using some dialogue! … I lie of course, this story would be just as bad.

Fluttershy goes to get some tea for Rainbow Dash when she bumps into the fridge. A jar of jam falls off the fridge towards Fluttershy which Rainbow Dash has to save her from.

Okay, ignoring the fact that you are threatening Fluttershy with a FUCKING JAR OF JAM!

How the fuck did Fluttershy hit that hard enough to make it fall?! Was it just dangling on the edge impossibly?! Or did the jar just spring to life and attack her?!

After that, Rainbow Dash says she needs to head home and rest.

Oh, yeah! Those jars of jam really take it out of you! Let’s hope she doesn’t run into a can of beets before she gets home! Cause then she’d really be in trouble!

She wonders and think and wonders and think. Rainbow dash cant seem to get her to love her.

Well, maybe if you’d stop ‘wonders and think’ for a second and actually go and talk to her, you might actually get somewhere.

She had no choice but to show her love to fluttershy.

Rainbow! It’s been like half a day at best! Wow, you really are the fastest in Equestria, aren’t you?

So, Rainbow Dash flies to Fluttershy’s house and ask her to go to the park with her. This must seem odd for Fluttershy since Rainbow Dash left her house, what, 20 minutes ago?

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash start to tour the park.

They walked into a empty space.

It looked a lot like the page of the story should have been.

"Why did we stop?" Fluttershy asked.

:rainbowdetermined2: We are surrounded by cans of soup!

:fluttershysad: Soup! Oh, no! Not soup!

:rainbowdetermined2: Chicken Noodle, Cream of Mushroom and… Oh, god!

:fluttershbad: … French Onion! CELESTIA HELP US!

Rainbow Dash takes her to her special spot and then kisses Fluttershy.

Fluttershy then all of a sudden freak out and asked rainbow on why she did that.

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Baby, I already do.

Fluttershy runs off leaving Rainbow Dash all alone. So, feeling depressed, or at least, the story says she is, she heads home for the day.

Rainbow Dash soon arrives at Fluttershy’s house to apologize. Fluttershy finds it hard to forgive her, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. Suddenly, a lightning bolt hits Rainbow Dash.

Jesus, does Zeus hate this story as much as I do? It would certainly explain a whole lot.

Rainbow Dash starts to fall to her death. However, Fluttershy is able to catch her. Oh… um… yay or some shit.

Fluttershy says she just not interested in Rainbow Dash and that if they want to be together, they need to build a stronger bond. And so our story ends with them helping Applejack build her shed and the two growing in friendship. Or at least, that’s what the story told me happen.

Yeah, I don’t think that this story needed a lot of thought to decide it. But I will say this for the story…

I enjoyed it.

I’m not kidding. This is one of those rare fan fics that is so bad, it’s actually really enjoyable. This is one of those gems that come along every once in a long while and you just laugh at how incomprehensible it is. This is a fic that could get nothing right.

The story is boring. The writing is unbelievable bad. There is not a single moment of show in the story. For all that happens, the characters only think or speak, 3 times. The characterization is atrocious. Nothing in this story is right at all.

And yet, it is so incredibly bad with some of the choices that it makes that, I actually got a few laughs out of it.

If you are looking for a serious story with good writing, don’t even waste your time.

But if you are looking for something that is just so ungodly terrible and you just want to poke fun at a really bad story, than this is the story for you.

And after Mykanuary, a story that is so bad it’s good is a welcome break. Have a good day, guys.

***

“We are standing outside the Canterlot Penitentiary where Princess Celestia has made her decision of who the next warden will be. A professor of criminology and psychology at Manehatten University. While the name of this professor had not been made public yet, we believe that Princess Celestia plans to make a statement”

Princess Celestia trots to a podium, dozens of microphones at her face. “Citizens of Equestria,” her voice booms in the mics. “After the massive breakout, the prison staff, members of Equestria’s security detail and myself have been debating long and hard about how to better protect Equestria and its citizens.”

“And it is our belief that the stallion who is most qualified to aid us in this mission,” she points her hoof to a balding green unicorn with glasses on his nose. “Professor Brain.”

The old unicorn trotted up to the podium. “Fillies and gentlecolts,” he spoke. “I understand that everypony is rather shaken about last week’s event. But I am here to assure you, that I, nor the staff at Canterlot Penitentiary, nor Princess Celestia will tolerate this act of aggression. We will discover how these ponies escaped and we will make sure that nothing like this can ever happen again.”

Brain’s lip curled to a smile. The media staff nod and started to ask him questions. Satisfactory, he thought to himself. Most satisfactory.

The Reaper Files 1

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome to another day in the month of love.

And as per tradition of this month, I get to review another romance fan fic. Whoopty freaking do!

And I’ve got nothing as far as this intro is concerned and frankly why would we waste time talking about a something that I don’t give a shit about anyway. So, let’s just dig into The reaper file by Wolfefang

So, this story promises a plethora of OC’s. Now, as you are all aware, I have no issue with original characters in fan fiction or otherwise. My only issue with original characters is when they suck! Underdeveloped, overpowered, uninteresting, over glorified characters are what really piss me off! Now, this story might give us a group of characters that might actually break the mold and give us original characters that aren’t composed of complete shit!

And maybe I’ll be turned into an alicorn and actually be likable!

We start off our story with a journal entry from a guy named Wolfe.

Ow! I think I just cut myself on that name. God, damnit…

For 15 years I've lead the hunt for Ponyopilus' most notorious serial killer along with my partner Almond 'Al' Pie. We have finally got the lead we have been waiting for. It took almost two decades. At 1100 hours tonight we will end this hunt. End entry.

Okay, that first sentence felt stilted as fuck. Maybe it’s just me, but that sentence feels unnatural when said out loud? Like nopony in their right mind would ever talk like that?

Also, 1100 hours is military talk for 11 A.M. “1100 hours tonight”? Yeah, it sure is dark enough to be night, what with the fucking sun hanging overhead. Or maybe it’s like that old song…

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1030 hours, in half in hour we bring down Reaper. It's ironic how similar today is to that night I arrived in Ponyiopilus and crossed paths with Reaper.

That is not ironic! How is it that so many people have no idea what irony is?!

So, Wolfe and Al start talking about how they’ve been trying to catch the Reaper for 15 years and how he always outplays them.

This would be rather interesting if this was actually shown to us rather than told to us. Yeah, the characters say that they were outwitted by the Reaper, but Wolfe or Al don’t really build on it at all. Of course, it is to be expected, the story clearly spent most of its time trying to give these characters some personality. … Failing, but still.

Al asks Wolfe for something important.

"If something happens to me tonight I want you to take that box in the back of my closet to my sister."

Well, you just signed your death wish. Shall the terrible OC do it or should we have the villain of this story kill you? … Wait. Who wrote I’m a terrible OC?!

"Don't look at me like that. You and I both know that Reaper is unpredictable. You almost lost an eye the first time you crossed him."

Subconsciously I trace my the scar crossing my right eye, a reminder of my close call with Reaper. A pale through my midnight black fur. "Yeah I know." I say dryly

Well, I’m glad that the character gives a shit about the story because I certainly don’t. You know how you can fix that story? Actually, give me explanations! Seriously, why show us the scar he has if you aren’t going to explain it?! Was it just something that looked cool, so you decided to give it to him?! If this story was a sharp object, it would be used as a murder weapon in a slasher movie because of how edgy it is!

So, they end up spotting the Reaper and decide to go after him. And for some reason, Wolfe decides to explain his plan, even though they should already know it and it explains they already know it. If it was in his head or his inner thoughts, that be one thing, but he’s speaking it out loud to his partner, who doesn’t need to know because he already knows the plan! Not to mention it’s unnecessary talking that could alert Reaper to your presence!

Maybe Reaper isn’t getting away because he’s smart! Maybe he’s getting away because you’re both idiots!

Reaper knows we're following him, just like we want. I can sense the panic rolling off him in waves.

How? … No seriously. How do you know? What is he doing? What is he saying? How is he walking? Or running? What’s his posture? How is it different from his natural stance?!

HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GUY?!

"It's over Reaper! Lay down your weapon and surrender." I say as Al lines up his shot.

So, they corner the Reaper and the Reaper draws out his scythe. Okay, shoot him!

Al doesn't notice it as he asks sarcasticly, "Can't blame me for trying, can you?"

Shoot him?

"Don't matter to me." I say flatly pushing my earlier thoughts to the back of my mind.

Shoot him?!

Reaper grins before he answers. “You’re right it does end tonight." He says as Al and I step closer.

SHOOT H-

Fuck it, one of you just die already!

Time seems to slow down as Reaper's scythe slices through Al's upper torso.

Thank you.

So, apparently, Wolfe is so upset about Al’s death that…

I feel it begin. The dark spirit within me rises. My eyes go from silver to yellow, my wings become dragonlike and my mane turns to flame.

I see the fear in Reaper's eyes as I rush him. Spinning on my left foot I knee him in the gut and follow through with a ki strike to the chest knocking Reaper into the wall.

I mean… is this a troll fic? … It… it has to be a troll fic!

I mean, there is no way in hell that the story could have possibly… POSSIBLY thought that this was a good idea! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Putting aside for a moment that they had the advantage of distance and GUNS, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SUPER SAIYAN WOLFE COME FROM?! It literally comes the fuck out of nowhere?! It’s never built up, it’s never mentioned prior, it’s never mentioned again and it straight up just doesn’t make any god damn sense!

Where did this power come from? How did this power come to exist? When did he know he had this power? What is this power? Why does he have it? How long has he had it? Why the hell is he just using it now after his best friend died? Why the fuck didn’t he use this power to catch Reaper 15 years ago?! Obviously he has some level of control of this demonic power, since he can switch it off whenever he wants and remembers everything that happened when he transforms, so why the hell didn’t he use it to catch Reaper before more people died?! Did he just want to make his friend look like a martyr?

So, Wolfe, after I guess mourning the loss of his partner, unmasks the Reaper. It turns out the Reaper is actually a woman!

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But we also learn that this is the Reaper’s daughter!

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But we also learn that the real Reaper is dead!

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Three plot twists! One sentence! Shyamalan would be so proud.

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Anyway, it turns out that the daughter was trying to make her father proud because she didn’t have a cutie mark. Now, honestly with a bit of reworking, this aspect could have worked. If this story had been a lot longer, with a much tighter focus on the Reaper family history, I honestly think that might have been something interesting.

The struggles that this young girl had to go through with realizing who her father was, what he did and how she would handle actually sounds very impressive. I’m actually interested in this character.

But no, the focus is on the wrong characters, as all fan fictions like this are. The focus is on a boring, brooding character who is overly bland and is just a fantasy for how awesome the person this is based off of wishes they were!

So, the Reaper gives Wolfe a journal about her father’s exploits and that’s how she found out who he really was. Which I guess she just carries with her.

Wolfe feels bad, not exactly sure why, he doesn’t even know her. What is he going to develop a romance with her now? ... I just gave the story an idea, didn’t I?

The next day Wolfe quits the force taking all of his things. The whole city starts to feel sad over the loss of Al.

Well, I’m glad all the characters in the story are sad he’s missing. Me? He’s like Zombie number 48 from the Walking Dead, I don’t care if he was shot in the head! He was dead on arrival. … Zombie humor.

"Wolfe, it's custom that a fallen officer's badge and uniform are taken to their closest blood family. Normally that would be a spouse or child but Rose requested they be taken to his sister." She says passing me Al's badge and uniform.

Because, Ponyville.

No, I’m serious. The only reason they give that Rose will not take her husband’s uniform is because of Ponyville. Hey, we need something completely contrived to get our hero to Ponyville so he can bang the main six. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!

Wolfe arrives in Ponyville and starts to seek out Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. As he tours Ponyville, he sees Fluttershy…

Soon ater I begin my trek towards SugarCube Corner I spot Fluttershy, an old friend of my sister's, standing in front of a boutiqe. If I remember correctly, Fluttershy was extremly shy and scittish. This should be fun. I think to myself as I sneak up behind her,"How's it going Fluttershy?" I say poking her in the ribs causing her to 'eep' and jump in the air.

…

…

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I mean… what the hell?! You come to Ponyville to deliver the bad news that your best friend, Pinkie Pie’s brother, died and you decide that your time is spent picking on others?! Aren’t you supposed to be, I don’t know, mourning your loss?!

For somepony you claim to be such a good friend, I don’t think you really know what that means! Yeah, it’s been three days since it happens, but let me tell you something about people who work together in situations like this! A partner is one of the most important people in your life!

This kind of partner is the one who is constantly looking out for you, making sure that you get home safely and vice versa! They become like your family! Someone who would lay his life on the line for you! Who would take a bullet for you!

This story never treats that relationship like that! He has one moment! One moment, where the story thinks he’s mourning, but he isn’t! Why? Because the story doesn’t care about Al. It doesn’t care about Al, Reaper, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, anyone! The only one it cares about is Wolfe. It only cares about Wolfe’s desires and Wolfe’s feelings and Wolfe’s wants and it doesn’t care about anything that would get in the way of that! Not depression, not hurt, not unhappiness, not growth!

Anything that would get in the way of our hero having his ‘fun’ is tossed aside. Because that’s what great characters are all about! Never getting invested in what is around them! Never feeling! Never changing! Never becoming better or different through changes in their lives! Never struggling to adapt when things do change and they become hurt!

This is the exact opposite of what a good character should be. This character has no personality, no emotion, and doesn’t give a shit about anything around him. This is supposed to be our hero? We are supposed to relate to this guy?! Fuck that shit!

With a sad smile I answer, "He died three days ago saving my life. We were on a case. His killer didn't live to see the next day."

With a sad smile?! How do you smile if you’re sad?! How?!

So, Rarity shows, glops Fluttershy and takes her away.

Good bye, my two favorite characters, I’ll miss whatever interesting things you two are up to. Sounds more important than anything this fucktard is doing.

Wolfe continues on his way looking for Pinkie Pie, no doubt making a few jokes along the way, because as we’ve established, this character just doesn’t give a shit.

So, he sits down at Sugar Cube Corner, figuring that Pinkie Pie will show up eventually when a waitress comes to take his order. … Is Sugar Cube Corner a diner in the show? I never really saw it that way.

He finally meets up with Pinkie Pie and tells her the bad news. Pinkie Pie reacts like this…

No. No, that is not a joke. That is not a joke.

That is literally how it goes. Wolfe tells Pinkie Pie about her brother’s death, she gets sad for half a second and then she decides to throw a party!

Okay, I may not be an expert on siblings… Oh, wait, yes I am. I HAVE ONE!

Look, I understand that sometimes you aren’t close to siblings! Sometimes you just aren’t, but let me put this into perspective for you! Al’s wife gave his things to Pinkie Pie because she felt that belonged with her! And you are telling me that Pinkie Pie is just going to throw a party without being given a chance to mourn?!

And yes, I know that Wolfe talks her down and comforts her, but half a paragraph later, she acts like nothing happens! This is her brother! You don’t just get over something like that! And if you do, it usual takes a long time, especially if you care about said person!

And another thing, this moment where Pinkie Pie is sad and therefore we are supposed to feel sad is stupid! Why?! Because we have no idea how strong the relationship is between Pinkie Pie and Al. It’s never explored! Obviously it must be close for the wife to want to give Pinkie Pie!  Also, Al mentions that he wants the box to be delivered to Pinkie!

So, the relationship between these two characters is very close! Why the fuck would you not show it?! You want us to feel sorry for Pinkie when there is nothing that has built up that pity!

There is never any evidence of Pinkie and Al being close to one another or having a strong relationship?! So, this whole moment feels out of place!

Come to think of it, this whole story feels out of place!

Wolfe leaves Pinkie to “mourn” the loss of her brother and tries find Rainbow Dash, his sister. He runs into Big Mac who is a big suspicious about this guy looking for Rainbow Dash.

"Eeyup." He says as his stance changes. Becomes defensive. A change only a cop or somepony with military training would notice. "Why ya lookin' for her?"

Ah, yes a defensive stand that only someone with military training would know. You would never see an ordinary pony have that kind of insight. In fact, let’s show everypony at home, just in case there is any misconception.

Here’s a standard stance.

Here’s a defensive one.

Not noticing a difference? Well, let’s try again.

Standing still

Defensive stance

Still not seeing it? One more try.

Standing still

Defensive stance

Yeah, I don’t see it either.

Wolfe explains he’s not here to hurt anyone and that he wants to rekindle the relationship with his sister. Big Mac tells him where to find Rainbow Dash. She’s apparently at the barn with Applejack.

"Ya may wanna knock first. Can't say if they're decent or not.

Don’t worry, Big Mac. It’s fan fiction. That’s like finding a sesame seed on a hamburger bun, you don’t have to look very hard to find it and no matter how many times you’ve seen it, it’s still unimpressive.

"By the way, Pinkie Pie's brother passed a few days ago. I think you could give her the emotional support she needs."

Oh, by the way, I just murdered your little sister; she’s bleeding in the backyard. No big really. Also, I think Spike committed suicide because of the fan base. I’m sure it will work itself out. And Princess Celestia killed Luna by sending her into the sun. Nothing serious.

So, Wolfe (seriously that sounds like a terrible anime character) goes to the barn and finds Rainbow Dash and Applejack. As far as I know they aren’t fucking each other yet.

Rainbow Dash is pissed off at Wolfe and slaps him in the face. Yeah, Rainbow Dash doesn’t slap ponies! This is what Rainbow Dash does when you piss her off!

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

So, Rainbow Dash gets over being mad at him, for some reason and hugs the bastard. Wolfe explains how he retired from the force and wants to open up a jewelry store. My guess is so that women will come to him and he can flirt with the customers all he wants. Not a bad idea, I must say.

Wolfe then explains what happened to Pinkie’s brother. I think Rainbow Dash is saddened by this, but I can’t tell because she’s smiling sadly!

"She's having a party to remember him by tomorrow. She plans on having it here. I'm sure she'll tell you before it happens."

"Tch. Figures. Volenteers my farm wit out askin me." AJ says in mock annoyace.

… Well fuck you, Applejack! Yeah, I know it says mock, but that fucking bothers me! If this was like a last minute party for a friend or some stupid bullshit, yeah, I’d let it slide! It’s a fucking funeral party for her dead brother, who she just found out died! That’s a bit of bitch move! Even if it was a joke, it wasn’t very funny! I’m not against dark humor, you all know that, but it has to come from a character and a situation that makes sense! This doesn’t!

"How she take it?" Rainbow asks, concern lacing her voice.

"Not bad. Though I think she'll be just fine." I say with a devious smile. "I may have 'suggested' to Big Mac that he should go support her."

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I don’t know why I’m using that clip. Those ponies are nowhere as talented as I am.

We at Spideremblembrony Inc. do not agree with the Critique’s opinions on FireBrand and Voice of Reason. We in fact enjoy most of their videos and we know you would too. Click on the links and support their work. Voice of Reason FireBrand  

So the next night, Wolfe goes to Sweet Apple Acres where the Cutie Mark Crusaders ask him about his scar.

I tried to kill him with my chainsaw, but that bastard Ace Ray got in the way. … Ace Ray? … The Wonderbolt that hated Starfleet? … Appeared in the first episode? … The one I used the Goofy Gif on?

… Never mind.

Wolfe explains about how he first met the Reaper by saving … I don’t know… some girl we’ve never met and doesn’t really have that much to do with the plot. During the battle, he gets cut in the face and fails to use his Super Saiyan Demon powers. It would certainly shorten the length of the flashback and this story!

So our story ends with this same girl snuggling up to Wolfe after the party and telling him that it doesn’t matter that he’s the Avatar/Green Lantern, as long as he uses his powers for good.

SUCK

MY

COCK!

This story is dumb!

The saddest thing about this story is, it feels so fucking incomplete! Don’t get me wrong, it’s really bad! With poor execution, poor style, poor characters and a weak as all shit plot!

But there might have been actually something to this in the hands of a good writer. There are actually interesting ideas.

The point of view of the Reaper would have been pretty neat to see, the point of view of the daughter of the Reaper would have been cool and seeing this family struggle to deal with this horrible truth. Ultimately having a young girl deal with the emotional trauma of growing up with a father who has done some very horrible things, while at the same time questioning how he could do so, if all he ever treated her was with love and respect. She would endure glares from friends who found out who her father was, relatives of the victims would threaten her or attack her, and she would go through life wondering who to trust and who, if anyone, would ever accept her. But at the end, the girl would fall into the darkness that drew in her father so long ago, subtlety showing that psychological scars can run deep.

…

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That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard! That’s just idiotic! What fucking moron came up with that?!

No, here’s the real winner! Let’s make it about a guy with a demon in his soul! Also, he’s got this girl that he rescued from the big bad villain! Grrr! And then he walks in on Rainbow Dash and Applejack about to have sex! Oh, and we’ll have some swearing because we got to get that damn edgy bullshit rating and make people think I’m being deep by cursing!

Yeah, that’s quality storytelling! Fuck your stupid character development shit!

What a fantastic story! What an amazing piece of work! Truly I am a genius among geniuses! And anypony who thinks otherwise is just stupid! Just stupid!

FUCK YOU ALL! FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TO HELL! THIS STORY IS THE GREATEST! THE BEST! THE PARAGON OF ALL…

… Thank you, Computer.

You are welcome, sir.  

So, yeah. The story sucks. It’s unfocused, poorly written and just half the time makes no sense. It tries to be edgy and dark, but it just comes off as childish and silly. Half of the interesting characters are never developed and the only one that is, is just like all the other OC characters I’ve seen in the past, with nothing to distinguish them from the others. The plot is easily forgettable and it is ungodly rushed. It’s a horrible story and I would never like to experience again.

Have a great day guys.

Humans, Rainbows, and Diamonds

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome to another day in the month of love.

And as always, we look at romance fan fictions that think they are cleverer than they actually are. This one gives us not one, but two ponies to choose from for our main character. Who I’m sure is just as likable as any other human character I’ve read about.

I’m sure the story is under the belief that if one pony falling for an OC is overdone, the key to fixing it is multiple ponies falling in love with an OC. Oh, yeah, it’s not quality, its quantity.

Actually, there is a secret third option that very few know about. It’s called, not reading the fucking thing and reading something better.

That’s the smart option. Unfortunately, today I get to read and review it. This is Humans, Rainbows, and Diamonds by RariDashFan

It was a glorious day in Ponyville, as usual.

It was a terrible fan fiction for me, as usual.

So, as you can probably guess, it just a perfect day in Ponyville with nothing going wrong what-so-ever. A very poor way to start your story, since you are trying to draw interest and a beautiful day in Ponyville! Sorry, it is not interesting!

The sun was at an almost blinding brightness, as Martin discovered as he stepped out from the Day Spa after a long day at work.

Wait… Martin… As in… Prince… Martin…

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No… Leave me alone… Leave me alone!

WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYY?!

*Three hours later*

… Okay… I’m good…

Actually, this is a different Martin. Though by the end, you probably won’t be able to tell. He’s a human who is trapped in Equestria, befriends the main six and gets a job at a Day Spa. Now, if I were in charge of Equestria, I would most likely take him in for experimentation and dissection. Now that would be a story worth reading.

And of course, because Martin has hands, he is invaluable. Because hands trump magic every time! Suck on that, unicorns!

So, Martin starts to head home after a long day’s work when he is tackled to the ground by Rainbow Dash.

“What the hell, Rainbow!?” replied Martin, semi-angrily. “You could’ve got my attention some other way!”

Semi-angrily? What the hell, story?! You could’ve said that some other way!

I love how this story is setting up my jokes for me.

Rainbow Dash invites Martin to the park and after a little coercing, he agrees.

“Woo! You’re the best friend ever!” Rainbow remarked, pulling Martin into a hug. After realizing this, she then let go and a light blush glazed over her cheeks.

Well, at least this story took the time to establish a strong relationship between the two. Oh, wait… This is Martin. All this story is to him is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex… Did I mention sex?

So, Rainbow Dash and Martin get to the park where Rainbow Dash starts showing off her ‘impressive’ flying techniques. Not that we ever see those, because I guess the story didn’t care enough. But apparently it would make the Wonderbolts applaud. Did she do this?

Because I would be applauding that.

During one of Rainbow Dash’s tricks, she gets caught off trajectory by the wind and she crashes into the ground.

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Told you I would.

Martin goes to check on her and Rainbow Dash says she’s fine.

“Yeah, I’m fine...damn wind caught me off guard and put my trajectory off. Kinda fucked that one up…” Rainbow replied, managing a weak smile. Martin found it kind of funny that she picked up on some of his foul language which he had uttered in the past. Not exactly good, but funny.

Well, thanks for that!

Again, this is my personal opinion here, but the main six should not be using the more colorful words in the English language! I am willing to make an exception for Rainbow Dash and Applejack and only with a few sample words. Damn and hell are my limits with those two! Certainly not fuck!

By the way, Rainbow Dash swears in this. I couldn’t come up with some actual humor, so instead I just made Rainbow Dash swear. Jesus, I think my brain is melting out of my skull…

So, after that, Rainbow Dash appears to be dusty and they go over to the lake to wash off.

“Sure, I could do with a dip myself.” replied Martin.

Now, I want you to remember that. Don’t worry; it won’t be for very long.

So, they get to the lake where Rainbow Dash dives right in and starts to swim around. She offers Martin to join her.

“I don’t really know if I want to…” Martin replied, hesitantly. “I’d rather not change out of my clothes.”

Then what the fuck was with that last line, you idiot?! “Sure, I could use a dip myself.” “Nah, I don’t want to get wet.” MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND, YOU MORON!

But, Rainbow Dash isn’t taking no for an answer.

“Who said anything about changing?” Rainbow retorted, trying to hold a laugh, before using her immense speed to get behind Martin and push him into the water, before laughing loudly at the soaked-through human.

That’s right, Rainbow Dash! Drown him! Drown the fucker!

“Rainbow! What the fuck!? My clothes are all soakened and ruined now!” exclaimed Martin, obviously angry with what his pony friend had just done.

Obviously, he must be angry! The story said so! The story said that he was angry! So, he must be angry! IT’S NOT LIKE THE FUCKING CHARACTER’S SPEECH WOULD DO THAT! OR HIS BODY LANGUAGE! NO! THANK GOD THE FUCKING STORY TOLD ME HE WAS ANGRY!

By the way, if you couldn’t tell by now, I’m obviously angry at that line!

“Jeez, I’m sorry.” said Rainbow in a sarcastic tone. “But hey, at least I cooled you off from the heat, huh?” Martin couldn’t argue with that, the heat was certainly unrelenting, and the cool waters of the lake were welcoming at this point. Martin soon found his anger disappearing, and he started to relax, letting the cool water drift over him.

Sure, this is a $200 work outfit that cannot get wet under any circumstances or it gets ruined and it will take half of my paycheck to cover therefor putting me in financial difficulty because of somepony’s carelessness. But… at least, I’ll be cool for the rest of the day…

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So, as he starts to relax in the water, Rainbow Dash declares a splash fight with him. After their ‘romantic afternoon’ together, yeah, about as romantic as ordering Chinese takeout for one, they decide to head home for the night.

“Wow, it’s getting late.” Martin exclaimed, looking at the setting sun. “I really need to get home, I have work again tomorrow!”

It’s a good thing I’ve got a work uniform… Oh…

He heads home with Rainbow Dash darting off rather suddenly. He doesn’t give it much thought however, thankfully our protagonist is a bit on the stupid side.

Not that he really had to, as his house was one of the biggest in the village, down to the fact that everything had to be made for a human, rather than a pony.

Down to the fact that he’s clearly compensating for something.

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The next day, Martin wakes up in his room and starts to admire it for a bit. Trust me, it’s hardly as exciting as it sounds.

“Mmmm, them’s some good oats.” Martin said to himself, putting on a strange, yet comical voice.

… Was that supposed to be funny? Also, who the hell are you talking to? … Can you… see me?!

After finishing, Martin then put the bowl in the sink and went upstairs to have a shower, after which he repeated the same bathroom ritual which he had done the previous night, before getting changed into smart clothes for work.

Fucking run-on sentences. They are truly the bane of my existence.

Also, smart clothes?! Do you have any idea what those are?! If you do, then why the hell do you need a suit that can play Zoot Suit Riot by The Cherry Popping Daddies to work?! … And where the hell did Equestria get the technology to make them?! Did you have it with you when you were coming to Equestria, along with any other convenient thing you might need?!

After breakfast, he goes over to Rainbow Dash’s to try and talk to her. However, Rainbow Dash isn’t home. Well, that was a waste of a scene.

It was another long day at work for Martin. There was an issue with a group of ponies who believed they had been overcharged. “Who’d have thought ponies would get so angry over a couple of bits…”

Dude, people get so angry over a couple of dollars! It’s really not that difficult to swallow! Also, great job showing us that scene! Maybe they didn’t feel like they were overcharged, maybe they felt their service was just shit. I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t shown anything!

After work, which is literally the next sentence, he starts to wander around Ponyville to try and find Rainbow Dash, but can’t seem to find her anywhere.

“What if she’s been kidnapped, or she’s in danger?” Martin bolted upright, with a worried expression on his face. “No, don’t be stupid, Martin. She’s not here one time and you assume she’s in danger. Wow, you’re stupid at times.” “Shut up, brain.” Martin retorted to himself.

A very clear sign that our hero is mentally insane. I’m not surprised. Living in a world of multicolored ponies does that to you. Just look at bronies.

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Jeez, it was a joke!

The walk home was somewhat depressing without Rainbow.

Oh, please! Would you get over her?! Clearly, she isn’t into you! … Wait… She’s totally into him! But she’s just a friend to him?! … Oh… That’s right… This is fan fiction.

Oh, I have something to say on that too…

GET THE HELL OVER HER?!

But of course, since he is so fucking desperate, he continues looking for Rainbow Dash, while feeling sorry for himself.

He didn’t realize how much of an impact Rainbow had on his life. The happiness she brought to him, the fact that there was someone he could confide in.

… Hm… Oh, I’m sorry, I was so not invested in what you were saying, I was reading a completely different story. It’s a story where Pinkie Pie accidently brings her kitchen to life while trying to bake a cake and she must fight it off in a comedic fashion. Easy as Pie by xjuggernautx. Give it a read.

Yeah, starting to see the big problem here? We hardly know who Martin is and we don’t know enough about his relationship with Rainbow Dash in this story. We see them playing in the park, yeah, but the way I remember it, Rainbow Dash ruined his suit due to her selfishness. I don’t think that qualifies as love.

If they do have a strong relationship, we never see that. If he does make him happy in a way that changes his life, we never see that. If he confides in Rainbow Dash, what does he confide? What does he tell her that he tells nopony eles?! Why is Rainbow Dash so special?! What makes her special?!

Tell me!

“No, you’re being stupid!” Martin thought to himself, trying to disprove his thoughts.

The first sensible thing said in this story. I think I’ve got a dog treat around here somewhere.

However, Martin doesn’t buy it, even if the audience wished he did, and proclaims his love for Rainbow Dash. But he isn’t sure if Rainbow Dash is in love with him. Don’t worry, kid, it’s fan fiction. Of course she’s into you! She wants to fuck your brains out so hard! Frankly, so do I! With a pike!

Martin figures that the best way to know if Rainbow Dash is in love with him is to go talk to Pinkie Pie. He makes his way to Sugar Cube Corner where he asks Pinkie Pie if Rainbow Dash likes him.

Pinkie Pie does her lucky guess thing from Equestria Girls and Martin is baffled at what to do.

Martin tries to talk to Pinkie Pie, but Pinkie has a little trouble staying on topic. Pfft, stupid pink pony. Can’t even stay focused on something long enough to…

Oh, hey look a bird! Isn’t just the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen? Such a cute bird. Love birds. Birds are great.

… What was I talking about?

“By the way, Martin, I really hope she does like you too. You two would make a super cute couple!” Pinkie joyfully said in her usual bright tone.

Not if I have anything to say about it!

“You don’t need to pay for one tiny cupcake, silly. You’re my friend!” Pinkie beamed.

And then, because of Pinkie Pie’s over friendly nature, she gives everyone in Ponyville free cupcakes. Several friends hear about it and take advantage of it to get free food, which eventually causes Sugar Cube Corner to go under, forcing the Cake family to live on the streets and Pinkie Pie back to the rock farm.

When can I read that story?! Because it sounds far more interesting than this!

When he gets home, he decides that the best thing for him to do is to not think about Rainbow Dash for a while. So, what does he do? He reads a book that Rainbow Dash gave to him! Oh, yeah. Nothing like not thinking about your love by thinking… about … your … love?

… Think something got lost in the translation.

“No, you’re being stupid!” Martin thought to himself.

Can’t argue there.

The next morning, Martin decides that he is going to tell everyone that he is in love with Rainbow Dash. He marches over to his home, picks up some flowers, a box of chocolates, somehow gets to her front door and knocks on it. Rainbow Dash opens the door and smiles at him. When suddenly…

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Oh, I live for other people’s misery!

Actually, we’re not that far off. A pony named Ace Thunder appears and Rainbow Dash calls him her new boyfriend.

“So this is the human you keep talking about?” Ace said, in a cocky tone. “He doesn’t look as cool as you said, but whatever. Come on, Dash, we’ve gotta get training for the Grand Equestria Race.”

Hey, that is a big misrepresentation of Ace Thunder! Ace was one of the best Pegasi who ever lived! He deserves your respect, asshole! And out of respect for Ace Thunder, I’m renaming this character the Critique! … Mostly so I can claim I porked Rainbow Dash, but still!

Ace: Yes. I am just the one-dimensional villain who was made for the convenience of the plot to make sure you look good by comparison. Mwahahahahahaha. Oh, I am so diabolically bland.

And I’ll give one point to this story; it does make Martin do this.

Again, I live for the misery of others.

Martin runs through the streets of Ponyville, whining that ‘Rainbow Dash doesn’t wuve me! She wuves that other pony that’s not me! I’m in wuve with Rainbow Dash! Wah Wah Wah!’

During his tantrum, he runs into a shopping cart and ruins several items from the cart. What sort of items do you ask? Pfft, what a stupid question to ask. Don’t you know? How stupid can you clearly be! Not knowing what items the trader possesses…

Yeah, the story never says.

Anyway, the pony charges his 10 bits… What the fuck was the dude trading if all he did by running into a cart was do 10 bits worth of damage! Did he ruin 10 cherries or something?!

He ends up seeing a bracelet that he thinks Rainbow Dash would love and hopes that it will win her over.

He goes to Sugar Cube Corner for advice from Pinkie Pie again, but only finds Rarity there. So, he instead opts to talk to her about it.

Rarity had always been a good friend to Martin, taking the time to study the human body, just to design clothes for Martin, and asking for nothing or very little in return.

Because of course she would. She doesn’t have a business to run or anything like that.

Also, studying the human body?... Oh, god… Does that mean?!

… She’ll never be rid of that image… Will she? I’m sorry, Rarity. I’m so sorry. You’ve… been scarred… Scarred for life…

Martin explains that he is in love with Rainbow Dash and Rarity seems to take that pretty well.

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

You know, Rarity, I’m pouring my soul out here. You… You think you could give me something else to work with?

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

Okay. Let’s play a game. Let’s see what other situations we can milk out of this.

Ready?

GO!

:ajbemused: Rarity, I hate your guts and everything about you!

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

:applecry: Rarity, it's Sweetie Belle! She's been murdered!

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

:coolphoto: You look fabulous, Rarity! Like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

:flutterrage: Could you have some kind of reaction, you stupid bitch?!

“Oh.” She said, no reaction, no shock, just “Oh.”

Feel free to make your own in the comments section.

“Well…” Martin found it hard to keep himself composed. All he could remember was seeing the colt Ace Thunder, with that smile on his damn face. Oh, how he’d like to remove it.

What the hell did the Critique ever do to you? I mean, besides pork your only love? And review your piece of shit fan fiction? And tell you your story sucks? And murdered your cat? And eat your pet goldfish?

You know, besides that.

In all seriousness, what the fuck? We don’t know anything about the Critique. He has only had one line! I guess it could be Martin’s having an episode of grief, but it never mentions Martin being wrong! If anything, it glorifies him!

Now, some of you might be saying “Well, clearly The Critique is a jerk!” Look, even if that was a good idea, (which of course it isn’t) again, we only see one scene! He has only one line! He is barely in this story at all! He doesn’t do anything! This character is just a tool! A tool to get you to feel bad for the character the author wants you to feel bad for, instead of just telling a good story!

This makes Martin look like a jealous psychopath! He doesn’t look like the victim! He looks like someone who can’t respect the choice that Rainbow Dash made! That’s not love! That’s obsession! And yes, there is a fucking difference!

So, Martin finally tells Rarity about Rainbow Dash’s other guy, all while singing that song by Simple Plan about how this could have happened to him. Come to think of it, why do so many people like that song?

Rarity starts freaking out that Rainbow Dash is in danger because the Critique is evil. How?

Well, here’s Rarity’s argument.

“Ace Thunder is a competitive racer. A rising star in the racing world. He promised me that he’d wear my newest range of pegasus racing gear in one of his biggest races, and endorse my boutique. As soon as I handed over the gear, I never heard from him again. It took me months to perfectly design the most aerodynamic racing outfit, and even longer to make it. Then, in one fell swoop, gone.

Um… Rarity… love… This might be a stupid question, but … Did you ever try to contact him?

… Yeah, kind of a big deal, love?

Rarity never says she tried to contact him! She never says that she put any effort into ensuring that he held up his end of the bargain! How is it that so many ponies in this world are so stupid?!

Call him up! Clearly you’ve got the technology if Martin has an iPod in his clothes!

Write him a letter! Fuck, do something girlfriend!

But no, he has to come off as ‘so evil’ and ‘so diabloical’ that it is completely ludicrous! I swear, it’s at this point in the story that the writer just didn’t care.

Oh, but wait… there’s more!

Take a look at this!

“About a year ago, there was a scandal involving Ace Thunder. It was a few days before the Grand Equestria Race, and a young mare named Star Breeze was predicted to win the race. She was a relatively new racer, just like Rainbow, but she was talented. It was announced that Ace and Star were dating a few days before the race. On the day of the race, Star Breeze was way off her usual performances. She finished second to last, while Ace Thunder won, and took the prizes and the fame, and left Star Breeze shortly after.

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Okay… So, Rarity just found out that Rainbow Dash is dating this scumbag? … Okay… Fine… Unrealistic… Uninteresting … Unlikely, but fine… What are you going to do about it?

“I agree, but we shouldn’t rush into this. We need to plan this properly.” Rarity added.

… Why? Why would you need to plan this? What is there to plan?! Go talk to her!

If she is in a bad relationship, I think the friendly thing to do would be to talk to her and get her to see that this relationship might be bad for her! That’s what friends do!

What? Do you think that Rainbow Dash won’t listen because she is so ‘madly in love’ with the Critique?

…

Okay, totally legit, but what the hell?!

They go to Martin’s house to ‘think of a plan’ and here’s the best they can do.

“Martin, darling, I know how much this means to you, but we’ve been at this all night, and we’ve no ideas to show for it.

The fuck have you two been… You know what, I don’t care.

So, Martin decides to walk Rarity home and they run into Rainbow Dash. After a bit, Martin snaps at Rainbow Dash telling her that her boyfriend is out to cheat on her. Rainbow Dash reacts accordingly.

“How...DARE YOU!” She angrily shouted in response. “Is this your idea of a sick joke!? ‘Cos it isn’t very funny!”

That’s my little Dashie. No shovel for you tonight.

And then Rainbow Dash realizes the story she is in and tells Martin to never show his face to her again. Rainbow Dash, I knew you were the girl for me the whole time.

…

What’s your problem?

Nothing, sir.

Good.

So, Martin goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. I know I’d be drinking if I was the main character of this story. While he’s there he gets into a drinking competition with the one of the patrons, which of course, he wins.

Wouldn’t want to let him be beat by anything less than his archrival?

After getting himself completely slammed, I know I am, he makes his way to Rarity’s where he starts to hit on her. Well, so much for the ‘one true love’ route.

Honestly, I think the alcohol has made this character more interesting. He should be a constant drunk.

He grabs Rarity rather fiercely and starts making out with her. Rarity gives the appropriate response.

“Oh, I can’t contain it any longer. I love you Martin. I always have.” Rarity passionately exclaimed.  “Come with me, let’s take this a step further.” Rarity seductively whispered to Martin, before leading him to her bedroom.

… I’m starting to think I really need to get off the alcohol…

Anyway, he wakes up the next morning shocked at what he finds.

“Oh fuck,

Yep… That’s what you two did. Lucky as fuck bastard…

Martin gets into a conflict with himself over staying with Rarity, who he loves, or going to try to win Rainbow Dash.

Why should this even be an issue?! Martin loves Rarity! The story even admits it! So, why does this conflict even exist?! This should be the end of the story by now! Martin loves Rarity! The end!

But, no, we have to prolong this as much as possible! It’s the only way I can reach my quota of suffering!

Later that day, Martin goes home and finds a letter from Rainbow Dash, saying that the Critique lied to her and that he was only using her.

What?! You mean the guy who was so obviously the villain of this story… was the villain of the story?!

No way. No way. No fucking way! That’s just… holy shit!

So, he meets up with Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash apologizes for being an idiot. I’ll say you’re an idiot. Giving up the most handsome stallion in all of Equestria, for the emo with the digits. I think you had it made with me girl. But if you are satisfied with being hit by a rake every night, who am I to judge.

They make out for a minute before Rainbow Dash gets ready for her big race. I sure can’t wait to see where this goes. Hopefully down a hole where it can die.

So, Martin goes up and gets the best seat in the house because… Well, he’s Martin. I know there’s an actual excuse in the story, but let’s face it. That excuse could be completely taken out of the story and he would still find a way.

He watches Rainbow Dash in the race where the Critique attempts to beat her in every way we can think of.

How? Pfft, fuck if I know. The race is barely interesting since it doesn’t bother showing us any of it. As the race continues, in all four sentences about it, Rainbow Dash starts to think about Martin. Sure, why not?

She should’ve listened to Martin, she shouldn’t have been so stupid.

I’m trying to decide if this is the narrator talking or Martin belittling her. I wouldn’t be surprised at the latter at this point.

She realizes that no matter what she does against the Critique, he is always one step ahead of her. How? Well, while they were dating the Critique stole all her secrets of how she trains when she flies.

Oh and the best part is this line from earlier…

I woke up one morning to find all of my training journals ravaged and my personal training guides missing.

So, he got all this information from books and journals?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Look, I get it, training logs and guides can be a good backbone, but that’s not a replacement for actual training! You can’t just read about football and know how to do all the techniques without practicing them! This story never showed us the Critique had time to practice against Rainbow Dash! And even then, how could he know about Rainbow’s techniques if she never saw them?! How is it that he is able to counter them perfectly when he has no training in doing so or experience with her?!

Anyway, Rainbow Dash decides that the only way to win is to perform the Sonic Rainboom.

“For Martin…” Rainbow burst forward, leaving a multi-coloured trail behind her.

Because Martin will leave you if you lose this race! What a self-centered ass wipe!

So, Rainbow Dash wins the race, but passes out! She passes out?! She passes out?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

…

Yeah… that just happened…

The paramedics rush Rainbow Dash to the hospital. Again, she passes out guys! She totally passes out due to this! Thank god this isn’t the least bit insulting to a great character, otherwise, this might be insulting to a great character!

So, Rainbow Dash wakes up later and confesses to Martin that she loves her. And by love I mean, she realizes what story she is in and is trying to get it over with.

Way to take one for the team, Rainbow Dash. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Rarity then enters the room to check on Rainbow Dash and they explain what happened. Martin looks like the big hero and he decides which mare he’s going to be with. And then we have a choice to make people… A choice to have Martin get with Rarity or Rainbow Dash.

And you know what… I want to see Martin get with the Critique. Because they had better chemistry than the other characters! This story sucks balls!

It’s a mess. A big mess of a story. The main character is uninteresting, the plot is beyond boring, its unbelievably rushed and it tries to give us this story about two girls for one guy without going into deep detail why it is that way.

I never felt that they had a strong relationship with Martin, no matter who the pony was. And the biggest piece of evidence of that was the last two chapters. The ones where you make a choice to have the mares. They are practically identical in every way, just with the names switched out.

If that is not a signal for not caring about the story, than I don’t know what is.

The Critique being in this story was a total waste of space since he never has any development other than what other characters tell us. He’s just a cliché. And an overdone and stupid one at that.

The romance isn’t good, the plot isn’t good, the main character isn’t good, there’s nothing good about this story.

Have a great day guys.

All We Can Take and Spike's Heart Problem

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to the last day in the month of love.

Jesus, I am so sick of this month. If I have to take any more of this lovey, dubby shit, I’m going to barf!

But thankfully today’s story is a break up story. A story where to mares wants to be together, but they can’t be because it’s seen as taboo. Or some shit like that, I honestly can’t say I was paying any attention.

So, let’s just get this month over with, so I can move on with the requests that keep piling up. Let’s review All We Can Take by TalltalePony

So, the story starts with Pinkie Pie meeting Twilight at Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight speaks saying this…

"Are you sure?" Pinkie grilled.

Twilight reached across the table and stopped the pink pony's nervous movement. The latter, surprised by the sudden gesture, finally returned her gaze.

"Yes, I'm sure. I think I'd know if I didn't love you."

Well, that’s the story! See you all next week!

No, I’m not even kidding. This story is that brief and short. It’s about Pinkie Pie going up to Twilight and saying that things will never be the same. Things will always be different between them. They’ll never have the life they once had, now that Twilight is a princess.

Pinkie Pie begs to still be friends with her and Twilight says she never wants to see her again.

What the hell?! As well as this story is written, where the hell did this come from?!

Was this a continuation of another story?! Where did this one come from?! There’s no signification about the relationship between Pinkie and Twilight that we know about. There’s nothing to show that they had any special connection to one another! Hell, we know nothing about their relationship!

Maybe Pinkie Pie is ultimately being a creepy stalker!

Overall, a well written, but entirely confused fic. It doesn’t know what it wants to do with itself and has no build up to it. It’s a shame because, maybe this story could have had potential. This story might have been one of those rare fics that was actually good. But it didn’t take the time to build on it.

Now, I could assume that it is because the author wants us to interpret it, but we’re not given a lot to make any interpretations.

Well, that was a dud… Alright, you guys get one more from me… But just one more… Let’s see…

Ah, here’s a good one. Or … bad one I should say.

Spike’s Heart Problem by Octavia1997

Unlike the last story, this story doesn’t have the writing talent for grammar and spelling.

Just look at the description…

spike wanted rarity to go on a date for the longest time.  even when they first meet spike loved rarity, and wanted her to be his.  after a lot of failed atemps and brutal regections, spike gives up on rarity and love.  after twilight finds out about the tragic events, she seeks help from a few determined girls.  the Cutie mark crusaders try thier best to help out thier friend spike.

Wow… Just… You couldn’t even try in your description… Why do I get the feeling this one is going to be more painful than having a cactus shoved up my anal passage?!

Oh, and here’s a laugh.

please don't hate that story.  if you don't like it then don't read it.

Don’t hate ‘that’ story?! What story are we talking about?! Are you talking about the one I read last week?! I won’t read it! Never again!

This is the dumbest thing in the world! If I don’t read it, how do I know if I hate it?! I can’t judge something fairly until I have experienced it! Now, I can make assumptions! Like I think this story is going to suck balls, but who knows?! Maybe it will actually be good! … I’m not counting on it, but maybe!

"It was yet another Friday night in Twilight's library house.

Bored now.

Also, that quotation mark is not a typo. This is actually one big long quote. A person is actually telling us this story. There is a thing called first person! If you write the story in that style, you don’t need to add quotation marks to the first sentence of your story! Unless the first sentence of your is actually a person speaking, but in this case, it’s the narration.

Outside every pony did as they pleased, the young colts and mares slaved away at their games and the older set slept in their rooms, readying themselves for the workday.

So, young colts and mares were slaves to the game. Not surprising. Just look at how addicting World of Warcraft is.

Must get to level 35 today or… be banished… from …guild…

A few ponies did their work at night and slaved to get it done before sunrise.

Usually those are called sex games.

Spike just sit in his living quarters basking in the dark with a piece of rarity's special order fabric; cuddling it as if it was his child, just as twilight, his mother, did for him.

Spike just sit! Just sit, Spike! Sit!

Good stupid dragon.

Also, names of persons, places or things need to be capitalized!

Anyway, Spike starts crying about Rarity being cruel to him and not reciprocating his love. Funny thing about that is, Spike is like 10! Rarity’s probably in her 20’s! Do you think it’s a tad uncomfortable to have a romantic relationship?! And yeah, I know that in the show Rarity does give Spike a lot of attention, but that feels more big sister, little brother relationship, which Spike takes as something else!

It doesn’t work now, because Spike is still a child and if it did happen, it makes Rarity a pedophile!

The room door was pushed in, hitting the tree; Flutter Shy would not approve of this.

Okay… What the fuck? Seriously, Fluttershy is not even in this story, why the fuck should I care about what she would approve of and what she wouldn’t?! Besides, the door was pushed in, are you saying it hit the treehouse library?! I think the tree can take it!

And if Fluttershy wouldn’t approve of just lightly tapping a tree in the wrong way, I’d love to see what she does at the end of Season 4.

… I’m going to hell for that alone, aren’t I?

"Spike!  What did I tell you about that?  Ugh sometimes you can be a handful."

Okay, what the hell is ‘that’? Am I just to assume I know what that is?! Is he sleeping in late?! Is he stealing Rarity’s clothes to make himself feel better?! Is he going out in the middle of the night and murdering small fillies?! What the hell is ‘that’?!

So, Twilight tells Spike that the Cutie Mark Crusaders want to help him feel better and in return hope to find their cutie marks.

Spike is at first reluctant, but after a few moments, agrees to have the Crusaders help him. As the Crusaders ponder what to do, Spike ‘hilariously’ reminds them that it is 12:00 at night.

… Yeah, I don’t hear any laughter either.

I mean… 12:00 at night? Why the hell did Twilight wake him up at that time? For that matter, why did Twilight bring the Cutie Mark Crusaders to her house at midnight?! Was this some special Twilight Time for good little fillies?! … God, a lot of uncomfortableness in this review… Maybe I should have only done one.

Also, that scene was completely pointless and only serves to waste our time. Thanks for that story!

The next morning, Spike awakens to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders tailing him with every move he makes.

Apple Bloom continues to follow him, until Spike goes to take his morning shower and he slams the door, hitting her face.

That’ll teach that brat to respect somepony’s privacy. Don’t care if he’s a dragon or not. I’m saying somepony!

"oh, sorry.  are you ok?" twilight was a bit concerned; hitting a small filly was not very nice.

As opposed to hitting small colts, which is perfectly legit. That would explain the playground beatings I got and no staff member helping me. That or I started them. But why would I want to take responsibility for my actions? No other character does.

After his shower, Spike goes and pours himself a bowl of cereal and Scootaloo asks him if he wants to join the Crusaders and Twilight for breakfast. And then Spike shoves his bowl of cereal in Scootaloo’s face.

… Okay, that was just rude.  What the fuck, Spike?! Okay, I’m willing to let slide the Apple Bloom thing with the door. You just wanted some privacy and having someone constantly follow you is pretty fucking annoying.

But, you intentionally threw your bowl of cereal in Scootaloo’s face! She was inviting you to breakfast! I know having your heart broken sucks! It does! But that doesn’t excuse you from being an asshole! This just seems so uncharacteristic of Spike, even if he didn’t have his heart broken!

I don’t feel bad for Spike! I’m pissed off that he even exists! Maybe this is why other writers don’t put him is stories!

So, then the Crusaders give Spike a test and … What the hell?

1. Are you a nice pony dragon?  Y/N

2. are you a smart pony dragon?  Y/N

3. have you been in a relationship before? Y/N

4. what is your favorite food?                                    

5. what is your favorite color?                                      

please sign here.              

Well, I will admit it. These are questions a ten year old would write. Can’t fault the story for accuracy

Although I would like to add my own question to this test.

6. Are you a dick? Yes/Fuck yes

I think that would complete it.

So, it turns out that the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked him these questions to find a perfect girl for Spike. Because, these are the types of questions you’d see on dating websites and other dating services wouldn’t it? Other missed questions are…

Do you have eyes? What is your tolerance of pain? The value of Pi? What is the object to the left of you?

Clearly, this shows the deep secrets of your mind that would make a woman want to fall in love with you!

They head off to Canterlot because… Luna needed a quick cameo. And then they head back to Ponyville realizing ‘Hey, the plot is back in Ponyville. Why the fuck are we in Canterlot?!’

Way to incorporate Luna into the story! I’m sure that won’t seem contrived in anyway.

Back at Rarity’s, Sweetie Belle and Rarity have an argument… I think… I don’t know. It’s so poorly written I really can’t tell what’s going on. See if you can figure it out, cause I sure as fuck can’t.

um-, sweetie belle, could you please come in here?"

"No, I don't wanna."  She rolled off the couch.

Rarity poked her head from behind a door, "what is it this time?"

"Spike."  She dropped her head onto the cold unforgiving floor.

Rarity let out a sigh and approached the sad depressing girl, "We all kno-," A velvet pillow hit her square in the face.

Sweetie Belle got up, "No, you don't," she grabbed a small bag and fled out the door.


"Gez, well, didn't that go well?" She looked at the cat hoping it would reply.            

Anyway, Rarity goes off to look for Sweetie Belle, she looks at Sugar Cube Corner and… Pinkie’s private island? … Okay, whatever…

Finally, she goes to the library and asks Twilight if she had seen her. Oh, and I guess, Rarity also took a pointless trip to Canterlot. To be fair though, she did at least try to find her sister.

So, they find Sweetie Belle and Rarity and Sweetie Belle forgive each other for the fight they had… I think…

she just remembered, "h please no, don't make me do it.  please." rarity widened her eyes.

the little girl just painted at the door and out in a derection.

"fine, but I am only doing it for you," she returned the hard stare back to her sister.

Yeah… I don’t know what that even means, so I can’t really make fun of it.

So, they take Spike back to HQ, (I assume it means the Clubhouse, but that’s never made clear) and they meet up with Princess Luna.

Ok spike, her she is," they removed the cloth from over a girls head, "ta-da."

Spike just looked at Luna, then Scootaloo, then back to Luna "Hey Princess Luna."

Luna smiled, "Please just call me Luna, and I guess I should get going.  have a wonderful night."  she started to walk out the small door.

Spike just waved good-bye, "you have a good day."

I didn’t edit that! That is literally how important Luna is to this story! My god, she’s not even in it for 5 seconds! Why the hell is she even in this story?!

The plot is not made better with her in it! Spike’s character is not developed anymore! It’s just a waste of time! Something that this story is really good at!

Sweetie Belle convinces Rarity to after Spike when he runs off after Luna leaves. I guess, he’s as mad about Luna leaving the story as the story is.

So, Rarity finds Spike and asks him out on a date. 21st century, fuckers!

And our story ends with Sweetie Belle earning her cutie mark in shipping. The worst kind of cutie mark you can have!

Wow, just wow! This story is a train wreck. It’s plot is stupid, it’s characters are all over the place, and it is half the time incomprehensible. I’m not even sure what it was about. The Crusaders trying to get Spike and Rarity together?

That’s all I can say for certainty. The terrible writing, spelling and grammar makes this story incredibly difficult to read and review. And if it is difficult, than it becomes work. That’s all this story is … work. It’s not fun, it’s not entertaining, I have to force myself to do it and worst, it’s busy work. Work to waste my time until the next disaster.

All I can say is, I’m glad this dumbass month is over. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to relax by watching a little TV.

***

The Critique sits in front of his television set. With the press of a button on the remote, the T.V flickered on.

“One of the escaped convicts of the Canterlot Penitentiary has finally been apprehended. 28 year old, Bright Light was arrested when attempted to flee the country. Officer Wolfe recognized him and apprehended him before anypony was hurt. Bright Light was convicted of 7 murders and was sentenced to life in prison.”

Canterlot Penitentiary? the Critique thought. Isn’t that where?

“This makes the fourth convict from Canterlot Penitentiary that has been put back in prison since the attack. Police say that there are still 36 inmates that are still unaccounted for. If you see any of these ponies, please contact your local police and do not confront them. Many of them are considered extremely dangerous.

An image of faces appeared on the screen, two of them the Critique noticed. The golden horned idiot with the power of the Uniforce and Thunder Ice. His lower jaw dropped and his eyes widened. He shook his head violently. “No. No! No!” He leaped from his chair and scrambled to his basement, sealing the door behind him. He shook in the darkness as the thoughts of his old enemies coming back to take their revenge. “I need something. Something to defend myself with.” He knew they would return for him and when they did, they would be out for blood.

Daring Do and the Daughter of Heroes

The Critique aimed, pulling back the trigger. A loud click echoed throughout the shop. He pulled the trigger again and again. Clicks emanate all around him as he pointed the gun in seemingly random directions.

He pointed the gun at the cashier and pulled the trigger several times, every time giving another click.

“Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley!” the cashier said as he placed his hooves on the Critique’s weapon, lowering it towards the ground.

The Critique gave a grin. “I don’t need to be careful, I’ve got a gun!”

The cashier reached down behind the counter and picked up a suitcase. He places it on top of the counter. “Well, you’ll probably want the accessory kit.”

Those words catch the Critique’s attention as he turns to the stallion, pulling out several items from the suitcase. “A holster.”

The Critique’s grin widened with a nod. “Oh, yeah.”

“Bandelier.” The stallion held up a strap with pockets that traveled all around it. Each pocket carrying its own bullet. “Silencer.” He presented a silence muzzle for the gun. “Loudener.” Another muzzle but looked much like a megaphone. “Speed Cocker.”

A wide smile appeared across the Critique’s face. “Ooo, I like the sound of that one!”

The stallion then attached a large muzzle to the barrel of the gun, making it look more like a rocket launcher than a gun. “And this is for shooting down enemy alicorns.”

The Critique shrugged. “Meh, I don’t really need one of those.” His eyes glanced away as he whispered under his breath. “Not yet, anyway.”

With the speed of a bullet, the Critique reached over the counter, trying to rip the gun out of the cashier’s hooves. “Just give me my gun!”

The cashier wrestled with the Critique, fighting his grip. “Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We’ve got to run a background check.”

The Critique’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped. “Five days?! But,” his voice got to a higher pitch and he got up to the cashier’s face, with the saddest eyes he could conjure, “I want it now!”

Silence fell upon the room as the two simply stared into each other’s eyes. Finally, the cashier’s eyes narrowed. “What are you doing?”

The Critique shrugged and turned his face back into his scowling frown. “I don’t know. It works when the Cutie Mark Crusaders do it.”

The Critique reached across the counter, grabbing the gun once more, mumbling under his breath to let the gun go. Several moments of pulling back and forth and the cashier finally freed the gun from the Critique’s grip.

The Critique growled as he stomped his hoof. “I’d kill you if I had my gun.”

The stallion simply glared at him. “Yeah, well, you don’t.”

The Critique stomped out of the gun shop, grumbling under his breath about how stupid and messed up the law was.

***

God damn, fucking, piece of shit gun shop. Making me wait five days for a fucking gun.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique and here we are with another review.

We all love new characters. The fans seemed to jump on the bandwagon of new characters, whether they are good or not. Though some characters completely deserve the popularity they get, such as Maud Pie. Others like Sunset Shimmer are popular despite being terrible.

I’m not mentioning characters like Tenderhoof or Flash Sentry because they got the popularity they deserved in the end because they were awful.

And if you like those characters, that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I’m not trying to make you feel bad for liking those characters. I just feel sometimes people tend to jump on bandwagons with new characters, writing stories about them because they know that’s what’s going to be popular.

And I know there are some artists out there who just write the characters just because they find them interesting. And to tell the truth, I don’t think our character today is all that interesting to begin with. Daring Do.

I mean, there’s potential for a character to be told from this, but nothing solid as far as the show goes. I’m sure other media gives her more detail of who she is, but she doesn’t seem that interesting to me. Hell, even her main villain, though carrying a cool design, wasn’t anything special to me.

Her only character that I found that was interesting was Dr. Caballeron. The history with Daring Do was the only thing that intrigued me. It was mentioned that Dr. Cablleron was Do’s partner at one point, but that he turned the other cheek for money. Why? Who was he? What was he like? Was his relationship with Daring Do intimate? Were they just friends? Colleagues? Father/daughter?

That was more interesting to me.

Again, if you like Daring Do, more power to you. I just don’t think she’s a very interesting character, without proper support.

But, will this story change my mind about her? Well, let’s dig into Daring Do and the Daughter of Heroes by Some Bad Scarecrow.

First thing I want to point out is the date that the story is published. I know I don’t tend to do that, but this one stuck out to me.

See, the episode Daring Don’t aired in the United States on December 7th of 2013.

This story was published on December 8th of 2013!

Wow… Not even a day after the episode aired you write this story… Way to jump on that bandwagon quick. Was the feature box really that important?

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. After all, the story may have deserved its place in the feature box. And maybe it wasn’t about the feature box at all. Maybe it was about the story that needed to be told and that the story was passionate about it.

… Screw that, I’m going with jumping to conclusions.

Our story begins at the end of Daring Don’t, further proving that jumping to conclusions is the best kind of jumping, with Daring Do feeling down about returning to her mundane, mistrusting lifestyle.

You get used to it after a couple years. Besides, you’re a big selling author. I’m lucky if I can get my stories off the ground by throwing them against the wall!

The third paragraph of the story reveals that Rainbow Dash is actually the daughter of Daring Do!

Rainbow Dash was her daughter, and now, after 19 and a half years, she saw her all grown up, her biggest fan and a heroine in her own right.

Youtube Video

Wow… way to keep that mystery alive.

Yeah, kind of a big issue to be throwing at us at the beginning of the story. We haven’t even gotten settled and already we are hit with this huge revelation. Don’t you want to build up to it more? Save it for a more dramatic reveal?

Daring Do decides that it is time to make things right and heads back home. She arrives at her house which had been ransacked earlier by the thugs. Also, I’d like to point out that the main six just watched Daring Do get attacked by the villains in the episode. You know, instead of helping!

But, I’m getting off track!

Daring Do goes back home and starts to reminisce about Rainbow Dash when she was a baby. And honestly, I feel like there is something missing in all this. Again, this could be just the build up to this news is pretty weak. The story just tells us and really doesn’t give us a chance to question it or even accept it. Hell, maybe that’s because the character in the story already knows. And that it isn’t shocking or anything, or takes us by surprised. It’s more of acknowledging it.

Wouldn’t this have been better if it was taken from the point of view of Rainbow Dash, instead of Daring Do? Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have known, so we would have been as surprised as she was discovering this. There could have been a huge mystery behind it, with Rainbow Dash questioning why Daring Do would have a picture of her. I don’t know. I feel like this is a very big missed opportunity.

Hell, even if Daring Do hinted at something more between her and Rainbow Dash during her point of view, but the news never getting revealed until it was told to Rainbow Dash. That way the mystery would have been kept alive and we would have reacted the same as Rainbow Dash, making it easier to relate to Rainbow Dash as well as Daring Do.

But whatever, Daring Do decides to dove into days past and detect Dash’s dad.  During which, Do has doubt of Dash’s desire to have her dawn the description of mother.

What, so my alliteration could use some work, deal with it!

No, she told herself. You lost the right to call her yours when you left her here, on the porch of her father's place. You don't get to call yourself her mother until, or if, she accepts you back into her life.

By the way, thanks for leaving me here and throwing me away. Good to know that your career was more important than a pony. But what do I care? As long as I’m in your will, I’ll feel much better!

Daring meets with Dash’s dad and the duo discuss if Do should be in Dash’s life.

Dash’s dad does detail that Dash was a dedicated reader of the Daring Do books and describes how he deduced Dash’s design to allow Do to determine the denouement of the story.

She wrote me letters about how she was 'so into' the Daring Do novels. Then I heard about how the next novel was delayed and I knew for a fact that little Dashie would go off searching for the author and try and force her to finish," he let out a small chuckle. "I wouldn't have been at all surprised if she broke your wings, tied you up in her basement and forced you to write novels just for her."

*Scribbles on a notepad*Oh… just a side project I’m working on… Just ignore it… For now… At least…

Also, is this really something you say to your wife after god knows how many years?!

No wonder she left.

Rainbow Blitz, Dash’s father, starts to go over how much Dash had grown and details her life a bit. Daring Do tries to speak, but Blitz isn’t really interested, stating that Do wasn’t there for her daughter and had left her for whatever reason.

Frankly, I’m with Blitz on this one. What the hell was Do’s problem that she couldn’t at least explain why she left Dash? Was it because of the enemies she made during her adventures?! That’s all fine and good, but you couldn’t tell them! Explain to the father why you were leaving! You didn’t have to explain to them where you were going, just tell them that you have to leave and why! They’d be mad, yeah! But they’d be far less mad that you aren’t just leaving them to fend for themselves!

How hard would it have been to do this?!

Do: Honey! There are terrorists that are trying to kill me and the only way I can make sure you and our daughter is safe is to run away and never return! Love our daughter lots and tell her I love her every night! Bye! Kiss, kiss, hug, hug!

Seriously?! Was that just too difficult?!

Blitz draws out degrading Do by dropping her books, designating different destinations during her trips.

"Daring Do and the Golden Trumpet, Daring Do and the Topaz Tome, Daring to and Ruby, bucking, Carbuncle!

Her next books were about Sephiroth the Islamic Deity and Bahamut the Dragon King.

Do breaks down and declares her desire to see Dash and to donate her days to Dash’s life.

Dash’s dad decides to dismiss her mistakes and decides she deserves to see Dash.

So, as Dash’s dad starts to explain what to expect from Dash…

”Don't..." he pat her on the head. "Don't worry about it, Daring. Just remember, she might take it differently seeing you as her mother for the first time. I'm not saying she'll automatically hate you, but remember that this is the first time," he looked down to see that she'd fallen asleep on him.

Well, that was a bitch move. He was in the middle of a sentence. At least have the decency to hear him out!

After Daring Do’s power nap, apparently confronting the fact that you abandon your child really takes it out of you, she flies off to Ponyville to meet with Rainbow Dash. She’s nervous at what to do and isn’t sure how to tell Rainbow Dash.

Daring Do finally meets up with Dash and Dash preforms her normal fangirl routine.

"Daring!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "What are you doing here? I thought you had to work on that book for me... I mean," she let out an awkward laugh. "For all of your adoring fans out there!"

The life of celebrity is a tough one. But we march on, forever more!

If you are a celebrity, than I am Madonna.

Shut up! Who asked you?!

Daring Do asks to talk to Rainbow Dash in private and they make their way to Sugar Cube Corner.

Yes, because nothing says private like a PUBLIC PLACE WHERE PONIES ARE ALL AROUND YOU! I don’t mean to be rude, but wouldn’t the moment when you tell the daughter, that you left on her father’s doorstep when she was a baby, the identity of her mother bring out a few … oh… I don’t know… Emotions! And that you are subjecting her in A PUBLIC PLACE where those emotions might be on display for everypony! Wouldn’t a more secluded place be more appropriate to turn Rainbow Dash’s entire world upside down?! Wouldn’t that be a little more tact and professional?!

Did Daring Do really not think this thing through?

Did she just pull a Daring Don’t?

… What? I need to make bad jokes so you can appreciate my good jokes.

You mean the ones that are far and few between?

I recall telling you to shut up!

Is this because you need help with your next book?" Rainbow Dash blurted out with a cocky smile on her face. "Because, and I don't mean to brag," yes, she did. "I have a few adventures of my own I think you can use.

And thus, why I hate Rainbow Dash… She wrote the first fanfiction in Equestria. And now every week, I’m stuck reviewing those fan fics that she started! Thanks a lot, Rainbow Dash!

And then…

"Rainbow Dash, I'm your mother!" She blurted out, immediately covering her mouth after saying it.

… Wow… that was… abrupt. I mean… wow… Really? Just… like that… Just like that… I know you want to get this story rolling, but… There wasn’t any hesitation in that. They barely get through pleasantries before she just blurts it out like that. I mean, I guess she’s nervous and wants to get it over with, but… that is how you are going to react to this situation.

Now, I understand why she chose to do it in a public place! Daring Do is a fucking idiot!

Did she really think that was her best move?! That rushing through it and not even giving her any prep or chance to recover or a chance to let it sink in before throwing this life changing event at her was the best course of action?!

Well, if she gets over life changing events like she does in Mare of Steel, she’ll be fine in about five minutes.

And so Rainbow Dash… just kind of accepts the whole thing about being related to Daring Do. Not even going to question it at all or anything? Somepony just comes up and says “Hey, I’m your mom” and you don’t even give it a second thought? I wonder what would happen if anypony did this?!

:pinkiegasp: I’m your mother, Rainbow Dash!

:rainbowderp: But how?!

:fluttershysad: Because she slept with me!

:rainbowderp: I have two moms!

:coolphoto: Actually, you have three.

:rainbowderp: What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

Daring Do decides to reveal everything to Rainbow Dash and realizes that she may never earn forgiveness. And then, suddenly… And I do mean, really suddenly…

"It's okay," the daughter said simply, holding the older mare as tight as she could, feeling the warmth of her long lost mother's tears stream down the side of her sky blue coat.

That’s right. Rainbow Dash instantly forgives her mother.

This whole conflict that the story was building up was… that. Um… I’m a little disappointed here. Yeah, I know it’s supposed to be heartwarming, but I don’t feel that it was earned. To be honest, I feel kind of cheated here. Like we had something here and it’s just never explored upon. And to be honest, this whole ending feels rushed as hell.

Daring Do tells Rainbow Dash she’s her mother, Rainbow Dash forgives her, happily ever after. Seriously, that is how it goes? I’m not saying I dislike those kinds of moments, but … This is the mare who left you when you were a baby! You seriously have no anger, no sorrow, no doubt, nothing!

There is not a single psychological issue to having been … basically abandoned by the mare who gave birth to you?! Wow, I was joking when I said she gets over this like she does in Mare of Steel, but dear lord, it is as bad.

Mare of Steel showed her getting over the fact that she was an alien from outer space in the span of a few minutes.

Here, it’s like Daring Do accidently got her coffee instead of tea. A mild inconvenience at best.

The sad thing is, this is played up like this is going to change Rainbow Dash’s entire perspective on reality! That nothing is ever going to be the same! But… it never comes to that! It promises something and ultimately never delivers on it! Honestly, the father gave a much better reaction to this news than Rainbow Dash! The reaction the father gave, should have been the one Rainbow Dash gave! That would have been more interesting! Seeing how Do would win her daughter back and the measure she would take to prove her love and make it up to her! But no, it’s just glanced over.

So, Daring Do figures out that the greatest treasure was truly her daughter, who can get over things pretty casually. (Are we sure she wasn’t just extremely high during all this?) And they live happily ever after.

So, how does this story hold up?

Well, I hesitate to call it bad… But I hesitate to call it good.

Let’s start with what I liked. The writing is very solid. With very few grammar or spelling errors that I caught. The idea of the story is a sound one. I know a lot of ponies are opposed to Daring Do and Rainbow Dash being related. Honestly, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with it and this idea is a good example of why. They have similar personalities and Rainbow Dash could see Daring Do as sort of an idol. And maybe even a mother figure.

The moment with the father berating her is good, justified, but makes you feel sorry for our protagonist. However, it’s far too short and I feel it would have been better if Rainbow Dash was in the role of her father, having some kind of reaction. I don’t mean cut out the father entirely. I just mean give Rainbow Dash some kind of reaction to this very life-changing news.

Which I think is ultimately the biggest flaw with this story. The pacing.

While it starts off strong enough, it’s clear that this story feels rushed. Especially towards the end. It ends too quickly and doesn’t feel like the emotional build up paid off. I realize it was trying to be sweet, but there’s being sweet and then there’s almost ignoring the emotions one would go through. And while the story does try to explain why Dash might not be angry, but I don’t think they are strong ones at all.

Discord warping reality is nothing compared to a normal pony making you question everything you believe in and everything you know.

To me, that’s much more painful. And to me, that deserved a much larger reaction.

I don’t think that Rainbow Dash shouldn’t have forgiven Daring Do at the end of the story, I just think it came far too easily. Yes, it was about Daring Do figuring out about family, but wouldn’t the story have been that much stronger if Dash had been hurt? If Daring Do had been shown as wrong and she has to sacrifice everything just to try and win her back? Wouldn’t that have been more satisfying?

In order to connect with this situation, we have to connect to the characters. I’m sorry, I really tried to be touched by this, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I didn’t feel like Rainbow Dash was reacting realistically.

Now, many of you may call me heartless and a dick on this, but I really couldn’t see Dash reacting to this the way she did. It felt so forced and as such, it made the ending feel unsatisfying and rushed.

So, what kind of rating should I give it? I have to pick a side… Thumbs up… Or … thumbs down…

Sometimes I hate this part of the review... Picking a side...




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I’m sorry, guys. I tried to give this one a thumbs up, but I just don’t think it’s strong enough to carry itself.

The concept is good and the writing is well done, but the pacing and the rushed emotional parts on the characters hurt it for me.

I know a lot of you like this story and maybe you just see something that I don’t. But for me, it just wasn’t strong enough to tug at my heartstrings. Certainly not the worst I’ve ever read, but not something that I enjoyed.

Have a great day, guys. … I await your hate mail.

But at the very least… I have an easy week next week. After all, it is my first year anniversary. This next story should be no problem… Right?

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FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY

… … I failed… I failed as a reviewer…  As a critic… As a critic who promised to do something…

This is my first year anniversary. You’d think I’d have a little more pomp and circumstance to show for it. Get drunk, celebrate with friends… well, go out and make some friends at least… maybe even be lazy. Have a happy time… So, why? Why am I so depressed then?

Because… I have nothing to review.

Oh, I read a fan fic. Good fuck god, did I read a fan fic.

But this fan fic… is so bad… so horrible… so gut wrenchingly atrocious… that I have nothing to say.

I thought I was more prepared for this moment. For the past year, I have been reading fan fics in an effort to prepare me for this story. This one in particular. I thought… I was ready

But it is only now I realize, only after subjecting myself to the pure insanity and appalling images that are now placed inside my brain… do I finally realize… I am far from ready.

And now… this story had broken me… I sit here… crying to you. Like a baby. A pathetic pony who has lost all sense of direction. How can I claim to be a reviewer when I can’t even stand up to one of the most notorious fics in Brony history? The black mark on the Brony community as a whole, yet is worshiped like Celestia herself.

How can I be asked to review… Streak the Fox’s Princess Molestia?

If you’ve been a Brony for any period of time, you know this meme I speak of. How could you not? It being shoved in your face every five minutes by some immature 13 year old who probably jerks off to his Celestia plushy.

If you have no idea what this is… by the end of this… you just might…

Its popularity began in 2011 and has yet to stop.

I thought I was more ready to review this one… But I can’t review it… I don’t know… if anypony can… I’m not sure how to explain it personally.

I think that part of my soul was lost in this story. I feel ugly. Degraded. Ashamed. I’ve never felt more empty reading a story than reading this one…

And may I remind you… I read My Little Unicorn. My fucking Little Unicorn and I am still more hurt by this story than I am by that one.

I literally don’t know what to do or what to say. So… I wondered the city of Ponyville, the thoughts of the story filling my head. God, I wish I could forget. Forget everything I read. Pretend that it never existed. I … I just want it to go away. But I fear… after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve seen. I fear that… this ugly feeling… this feeling I have every time I look at myself… will never go away. I only have myself to blame. It was my fault… I shouldn’t have been so weak.

I don’t even know where to start… except … where it all began…

It starts off with a series of what I think it supposed to be deep philosophical quotes. Believe me, there is nothing philosophical about them.

Every creature has needs. Every living animal with a brain has feelings. Every self-aware organism has wants. But only sentient beings can muster up the true essences of desire and passion.

And only sentient beings kill each other over those things, but that doesn’t make it right. By the way, are you saying birds, insects and other animals in Equestria aren’t sentient? You have a very loose definition of the word ‘sentient’.

The same goes for everypony, every dragon, everyzebra, and any other form of sentient life in Equestria.

This is the story that everypony praises with all their heart and soul? We are not even a paragraph in and there is no space between the fucking zebra. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. The story is littered with them. Typos, lack of grammar, spelling errors.

How? How could a story with so little care put into it become one of the most popular stories in the Brony community? This was a question… I had no answer to. I still have no answer. I don’t know if there are any answers.

The story continues preaching as if something important to say. I don’t know who the story thinks it’s kidding. It has nothing of value to say. It pretends to care, but in truth, it doesn’t. And it’s all in its writing. The story has no interest in you, me or the story it has to tell. That is the truth.

I don’t know if I want to talk about it… The memories alone… are enough to break even the most confident stallion alive. Even one as handsome and strong as I, is not immune to the hurt. I’ve cried every night since I read it, the memories flashing before me like thunderbolts in the night sky.

After tricking you into believing the story has something deep to tell, it shows us Luna preparing a prank for Celestia.

Apparently, Luna had been planning this revenge scheme of her’s for weeks. What did Celestia do that Luna must have justice for, you might be asking?

… I honestly have no idea. The story doesn’t bother with that part. As I said before, the story honestly doesn’t care.

Luna prepares her spell and sneaks to Princess Celestia’s room. She manages to convince the guards to leave Celestia’s side. I would have questioned it, but Luna does have the authority, so I let it slide…

Why? Why did I let it slide? If I had known… If I had known what was to happen next… would I have let it slide?

So, Luna sneaks into the room and readies the most embarrassing prank that Equestria will ever know. Yeah, somehow the joke is still on me.

Apparently, the spell is a highly complex one and that if cast incorrectly would cause Celestia to become a vegetable.

So, I asked myself… why? This story just literally told us, in the first fucking chapter, why this story doesn’t make any sense.  Why would Luna want to use such a spell on her sister? A sister who clearly cares about her? The revenge scheme said nothing to suggest such a drastic spell to be used. Did she really want to take the risk of crippling one of the nation’s leaders all for a stupid April Fool’s joke? Who am I kidding? A rational decision every five year old would pick.

The spell was a truth spell that would make Celestia tell everything that she would normally keep secret. Of course, if this truth spell was anything like in Mare of Steel, that spell was doomed to fail from the start.

But, where Mare of Steel was written by someone who actually gave a damn and someone with talent… This was written by… Streak the Fox.

Luna casts the spell and sees something awaken in Celestia. A deep dark desire that…

No… I can’t… I can’t continue… It’s far too painful…

I can’t recount this story… I don’t have it in me anymore…

I know what you are going to say… Keep going. You’ve faced worse stories… You’ve dealt with things normal ponies could never deal with… And while I would normally agree with your songs of praise… You’re wrong here… I have seen nothing worse… Nothing worse than what comes next…

Luna realizes what she had awakened and escapes the room as quickly as she can.

Some of the guards burst into the room and find Celestia. At first, Celestia seems to be fine, but as soon as she sees the guards, she…

I continued my walk through Ponyville. I had no idea where I was going, or what I was planning to do. I knew… I knew that I had to just get away from it all. I couldn’t go back. Not after what I had seen. I think I passed out… on the side of the street. A couple passes by. They probably think I’m some bum on the street, sleeping in garbage to survive.

Well, if nothing else, I’m reading garbage.

I don’t remember how long I sat in the trash. A day? A week? 45 minutes? It’s hard to say. I can barely tell time anymore. But … maybe that’s what I deserve. … Maybe that’s all I am… trash. Just left on the side of the road, to be ignored by countless ponies. Would serve me right, wouldn’t it? That’s all that’s left of me… The smell of vomit is the only thing that gives me motivation to move. I can’t tell if it was there before I got there, or if I did it myself. Eventually, I make my way out of the gutter and back to the library… to continue…

Luna berates herself for being so stupid.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Luna boasted as she paced back and forth in her room, scorning herself for messing up such an important spell and ruining a great prank. “I was soooo close to getting the ultimate revenge, and it had to screw up! I'm so stupid for not thinking this through enough... how could I be so DUMB!?”

To be honest, Luna, I blame shitty writing.

And boasted? Boasted? Do you even know what boasted means? Is Luna taking pride in the fact that she’s stupid? Are you fucking kidding? How could this story be so DUMB!?

Luna is caught off guard when she hears one of the guards screaming. She rushes to the room to see Celestia, standing over their broken bodies. Celestia then makes her way to Luna and…

… And that’s the whole story… That’s all it is. Just a repeat of the first chapter for seven more goddamn chapters. There is nothing of interest in this story. Why did I do this? This story is on par with fucking Why did I do this?

And yet that story has barely 3 likes while this one has over 1000. Just goes to show you where the Brony community comes from.

After Celestia attacks Luna, she conveniently receives a letter from Twilight Sparkle, and to what I think is one of the most forced letters of all time that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It’s so bad, it makes Applejack saying she was right and didn’t learn anything look like a godsend.

My friends and I have all learned an important lesson today. Though it may be a lot easier to simply stand by and watch as something wrong happens to somepony else, sometimes you just need to stop and stand up for yourself. To be treated unfairly just because of a little rumor, a small white lie, or even due to some silly stereotype is a big mistake, and even if it isn't happening to you or someone you know, you should try to help make sure things right, so that everypony gets treated fairly and have equally fun experiences.

    Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle

    Twilight Sparkle....

What the hell? I wasn’t even sure to begin with this one. How in the world does this connect to anything at all? It asks that it might be easier to stand by while something bad happens to somepony else, but that you need to stand up for yourself? You were just talking about somepony else, why the fuck did you change it to yourself?

Wouldn’t it be ‘stand up for the pony who is being harmed by someone?’ ‘Don’t stand around waiting for someone else to do the right thing?’ I guess that would only confuse the message of ‘rape is good’ ‘commit every act of rape you can.’

To be treated unfairly because of a stereotype? Where the hell did this suddenly come from? First we were talking about somepony else, then ourselves, now we’ve got to stereotype issues? Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised. This story has nothing but stereotypes.

Also, ‘you should try to help make sure things right’? Yes, because this clearly had a caring author who wanted to tell a good story and not just make sure his little unicorn didn’t get ignored.

And ‘equally fun experiences’? Well, that was contrived as fuck. Why didn’t you just sign the letter ‘Please, Celestia come, fucking rape me’. It would have been far more subtle.

And why did Twilight sign her name twice on the letter? Is she that arrogant?

As Celestia heads to Ponyville, Luna passes out, basically dooming the main six. Nice to see that Luna has our back if Celestia ever goes rogue.

I left the library for a while to get something to eat. I stop at the local diner, hoping that something can distract me. Not sure why I bothered. Nothing can stop the images that corrupt every pour of my brain. As my meal is placed in front of me by the waitress, I just stare at it. I don’t recall what I ordered. It was like my body was on autopilot and I was just a witness.

I was fucking staring at it. How could I not know what I fucking ordered? I guess I just keep my eyes on the fork. The fork that I want to stab myself with. It wouldn’t be anything less than I deserve… Trash like me…

The story continued to haunt me, preventing me from having my meal.

So our next chapter starts with the main six. Who exactly is there and where they are is beyond me, since it is literally 10 paragraphs before any actually narration that even remotely suggests anything going on in this … oh so groundbreaking story.

Apparently, the main six had just helped Twilight take care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

I had no idea that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were so much trouble that they had to had the entire team there to keep them in line. Apparently, they can handle a god who can warp reality, but three little kids? Shit, call for backup.

“Since fluttershy is letting the crusaders sleep over at her place again, how about I take you both over to my place for a sleepover of our own?”

Well, way to piss on my favorite character’s name. Did you even pay attention in Basic English class? Don’t bother … I already know the answer.

“Well, it would be fun and all... but Spike is still asleep upstairs.” Twilight claimed, hesitation in her voice. “It's really late, and I'm not sure if I should leave him alone for the night...”

    “Oh don't worry darling, I'm sure Owlowicious won't mind looking over him while he's asleep.”

Oh, yes… Let the pet watch over the pet. I’m sure that nothing could possibly go wrong.

We then get to the next part of the story where it actually starts to try again. You see what I mean by the story doesn’t care. It didn’t care what Twilight and her friends were doing. It didn’t care what the Cutie Mark Crusaders were up to. It didn’t care how anything they were doing affected the story or anything they think or feel. Unless it has to do with his dick, nothing is important. Not you, not me, not anyone but his dick.

… God… I can’t … I just… I can’t.

I get away from the diner. I don’t remember if I touched my food or not. A squirm in my chest rips at me. But I’m not sure if it’s from hunger or indigestion. It could be both for all I know. One hoof in front of the other. That’s all I’m able to accomplish at this point. I didn’t know where my hooves are taking me or what I was doing. But it didn’t seem to matter at all. All that seemed to matter was trying to get as far away from the library as possible.

How could I stay there? There were too many memories of what I saw… What I read.

But then again… It didn’t help to leave. I saw them... the images… wherever I went. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. The memories still burned my brain… still causing me to relive them over and over.

Twilight goes back to the library from… the void, I guess and gathers her things for a sleepover with Applejack and Rarity. Because, you know… that’s all that girls do. Definitely don’t do anything else. They are simply nothing more than people who go to sleepovers and talk about boys the entire time. They don’t do anything, but that. I’m glad this story can represent women fairly.

… I … I wish I had it in me to be angry at that… I really do. Nothing would have pleased me more than to be enraged… Instead… I feel numb… Empty…

After leaving with her stuff, yeah, because that was important to the plot, Celestia sneaks into the house to find Spike. Celestia asks where Twilight is and Spike being so frightened, tells Celestia that she could find her at Rainbow Dash’s.

Celestia rushes over and Spike… doesn’t do anything.

He just crawls back into bed like nothing happened. I realize he’s probably scared shitless, but… nothing. He doesn’t think that it’s odd that the leader of Equestria is acting like the drooling idiot who wrote this story.

He doesn’t think to send a message to Luna or something. He has a direct line to Canterlot if I remember correctly.

Oh and something else I should mention about this story. Ponyville is written as ponyville in this story. No, that’s not a typo on my part. Almost every time Ponyville is mentioned, it is never capitalized. That’s one of the basic elements of grammar. A capitalization on the names of people, places or things. Ponyville is a place, it needs to be capitalized even if it is not the beginning of a sentence.

This isn’t something that is taught to you in college. This is grade school level material. This story can’t even follow grade school material. That’s how fucking low this story is.

The dark figure of Princess Celestia traveled over ponyville, her wings spread wide as she flew over the buildings and towards the outskirts of the town. After having flown over and around ponyville multiple times for previous visits, the one cloud home next to the town tended to stand out from the surrounding landscape.

Celestia breaks into Dash’s home, but finds out that she isn’t home. Pinkie Pie arrives on the ground below and finds Celestia...

I can’t do this… I’m done…

I had officially hit rock bottom. The gun finally arrived… The gun I had purchased… I never thought I’d have to use it on myself. I slide it open and slip the bullet inside the cylinder. The chill of the handle in my hooves begs me to stick it to my face and get it over with. If, for nothing else, so I would bore the images out of my head. A single bullet would be enough. Maybe if I was lucky… it wouldn’t hurt.

I open my mouth wide. The barrel quickly goes inside. Every fiber of my body is screaming to pull the trigger. To let it all end. To get rid of all the hurt and pain I suffer. A shivering whimper comes from my mouth as the nuzzle touches my tongue. I almost pull the trigger out of shock alone. Moments pass, the voices screaming louder to let me pull it.

…

…

I pull the gun out of my mouth and tossed it to the ground, screaming in anger. Anger at the author. Anger at the story. Anger at the meme. Anger at myself.

I yell at myself most of all. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger and end my suffering. Was that because I was weak… or just too stupid to know when I’m beaten? I’m not sure which it is anymore.

Rainbow Dash flies around *ponyville* late at night, practicing her stunt for the Wonderbolts. Apparently, while having an organism. Oh, good, this story almost fooled me into thinking it had class.

She sees Celestia fly over to Sweet Apple Acres. Celestia attacks Big Mac and demands the location of Applejack.

Rainbow Dash overhears and is caught by Celestia.

So, Luna goes throughout the entire castle and starts to wake up each of the guards from their sleep. Why the fuck she doesn’t just go to *ponyville* to help the ponies there? Because the story was written by a brain dead monkey, that’s why.

We then cut to Twilight, Rarity and Applejack enjoying a sleepover together and telling scary stories. I’ll trade whatever scary story you three are telling for this one. I’ll take My Little Unicorn over this.

That’s right. I said it. I fucking said it and I will say it until the end of time. I will take My Little Unicorn over this fucking piece of shit.

Big Mac arrives at Rarity’s place and warns the group about how Celestia is acting strangely. Twilight can’t bring herself to believe it and the trio decides to investigate by heading to Sugar Cube Corner.

Alright then, lets go get our stuff girls,” Applejack said.

Stuff girls? What, do they have Princess Celestia plushies too? Also, the dialogue. Half of it feels unnatural. Like it’s forced or looks like this. Again, another sign of our esteemed story giving a shit.

“Y-you girls go on ahead...” Rarity said, her voice also stricken with a bit of fright. “I'l see if I can distract her long enough for you to get away...”

Oh, really? And what did her voice do that spoke of her fear? Was she breathing heavily? Was she shaking? Was she sweating? Were her fucking cartoon teeth clicking together?

A wonderful job of telling and not showing here in this story. It’s scatted throughout the damn thing.

Rarity decides to stay behind and hold Celestia off as long as she can… and our heroes figure its best to trot to their destination.

Big Macintosh, Applejack, and Twilight Sparkle all exchanged glances one more time before quickly trotting off towards Sugar Cube Corner.

Yeah, according to the dictionary, a trot is like a jog. So, when there is an abomination on the loose, the first thing our heroes do is work on their cardio together? You should be sprinting at the highest speed you can possibly achieve. You might say I’m just harping on word choices… And yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Applejack, Twilight, and Big Mac all ran as fast as they could towards sugarcube corner, eager to see if Pinkie Pie was alright.

Not what you said a moment ago. Also, there’s our friend kindergarten English failure.

And here’s where I…

I…

… I can’t remember… I don’t remember what I was going to say … This… has never happened to me before…

I go to one of the local bars, trying to clear my head as best I can. I’m hoping the alcohol will give me more of a chance at surviving the next few days. Or at the very least, kill my depression. Even for a few seconds.

The next thing that happens is so… so horrible… so despicable… so … downright uncharacteristic of our heroes… that it defies logic.

“I hate to admit it...” Big Mac said, looking at her sister and her friends with discomfort. “But we need all the time we can get to get some help. Let's just hope for now she can at least occupy her for a while...”

    Applejack gasped loudly and was about to object, but Twilight suddenly raised her hoof in front of her. She looked at Applejack straight in the eye, assuring her it was their only logical option. Applejack took a step back and lowered her head in defeat.

…

I sit on the barstool, my head against the bar. I don’t know how many drinks I had. I don’t want to know. The mere idea of knowing is enough to send me into a deep depression. How? I think to myself. How was this story able to get away with this? The main six… our leader… Twilight Sparkle… just said… it was okay… It was okay for Celestia to rape others… It was okay for that to happen. It was just fine. That they needed to sacrifice others in order for them to achieve their victory instead of trying to help people and protect them.

… Our heroes…

So… here I sit… on this barstool, wondering if I should have another… just in the hopes that it will be my last.

I’m not sure why drinking is the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore, but it does. A clinking reaches my ears as a glass is placed in front of me. My hoof takes it without me moving my forehead from the bar.

I pull my head up, looking at the glasses. There must have been 15 empty glasses there. No wonder my stomach felt like it had been hit by a tire iron repeatedly. My head pounded as I looked down at the glass. I could have sworn I saw my reflection in the glass. Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Regardless, I felt disgusted.

I couldn’t tell if it was because of the drink, the fact I hadn’t eaten, or just looking at myself brought on such distaste that I couldn’t see myself as normal ever again.

We then cut to Luna being told that this had happened before. … Yes… this had happened before. This was not the first time this had happened… It was not the first time Celestia went rogue and went on a rampage. Trying to bend everypony to her will.

… Gee, does that sound fucking familiar?

And yet, where Luna was banished to the moon for a thousand years, Celestia got a slap on the wrist. I am not fucking kidding. Trying to overthrow the kingdom? That shit is unacceptable. But raping an entire city? Yeah, that’s totally chill.

Makes me wonder what kind of fucking drugs this story was on when it fucking thought that this shit was a good idea.

No punishment. No consequences. Not even therapy to get Celestia under control. Nothing. This story doesn’t care about anything that it does. All it cares about is the author’s dick.

So, Luna and the guards figure out a plan to stop her. So did I, it’s called ‘Shoot the fucking bitch with a shotgun’.

But Luna and the guards say they need some pony who specializes in ‘illusion magic’. Why? Because Trixie is a popular character.

I kid you the fuck not, that is why Trixie is in this story.

Author Note: What a tweest!

Just because you have a ‘tweest’ in your story, doesn’t make it good. And believe me, this story is anything but good.

Twilight returns to the library to find Spike. Spike explains that… he was… licked… by Celestia…

… Yes… This story… decided… to sexually assault a child… I don’t care what anyone says in the fandom. He’s probably like 10 at most. … I… I’m baffled…

… I … don’t know where to go from here… It’s bad enough that … but now… Spike has been…

Where do I go from here? What do I say? What should I say? … I don’t even know…

I sat on the barstool, rubbing my temple. My brain feeling like it was trying to rip itself out of my skull. I couldn’t blame it. I would want to rip myself out too if I had to endure the images that I saw.

A couple of patrons sit next to me at the bar. I barely notice them… All I can do is stare at the glass. However, I can hear their voices.

“Hey, did you hear about that Critique guy?” one of the asked the other.

The other one nodded. “Yeah, they say he’s the guy who’s responsible for Sweet Apple Acres going out of business.”

I remember that review… I remember bashing on the author’s work and destroying the farm that had been on the land for a thousand plus years. Whoops.

But, I wasn’t thinking about that. I was just angry. I mean… angrier than usual. I just wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit everything. Without a hint of warning, I raised my hoof and knocked the stallion next to me to the ground.

I remember blacking out with a yelp. After regaining my senses, I had a black eye, my face was bruised, and I was being dragged out of the bar by a much larger stallion. He mentioned picking a fight with someone much larger than me was a stupid thing to do.

A lot he knows. If he wasn’t twice my size and I had a gun to cripple him, I would have won.

I couldn’t worry about that at that time. I could only think about the story…

Meanwhile, Trixie is woken up by Luna and her royal guards. To which, Trixie seems to forget who Luna is…

“Greetings Trixie,” Luna said as she gave a soft bow, which Trixie did not return. “I am Princess Luna, and the guards and I require your assistance on a most dire situation.”

    “Now what could be so important that you would need to awake the Great and Powerful Trixie at such an hour?” She complained.

So, the most logical thing for Luna to do at this point would be to send the bitch to the moon and get some real help, but no, thankfully, our story isn’t that intelligent.

So, they explain that after every attack, Celestia is completely drained of her power. Even though there has been no evidence of that at any point in the story whatsoever. Meaning that the author, like everything else in this story, just didn’t give a shit. Why don’t you just pull the magical stone that makes everything all better out of your ass while you’re at it?

Applejack, Twilight and Big Mac make their way to Fluttershy’s house. Why is Spike not with them? Because… the gods demanded it? I don’t fucking know.

Rainbow Dash arrives and…

I continued to wander through the streets of *ponyville*. I look upon everypony going about their day. Smiles as far as the eye can see. Children trotting the street with their parents, begging for some ice cream for being good at the store. A young couple talking, the stallion making the mare beside him laugh. An elderly mare pushing her husband’s wheelchair around the park before making it to a bench to sit beside him. The list couldn’t have gone on forever. Ponies all around me enjoying the day that the Pegasi had worked so hard for us to enjoy.

Everypony was having a good time. Everypony, except me. Because I knew… they did not have to see the images that I did. They did not have to subject themselves to such horror. Not like me… Was it because I was brave enough to face them? Or was it because they knew the danger and were smart enough to stay away?

… It was probably the latter.

So, they manage to convince Rainbow Dash to fly to Canterlot and get help if they can. Good to see that Rainbow Dash is taking this so well, rather than, oh… I don’t know… Having a reaction… Good god, her reaction in Daring Do and the Daughter of Heroes was more realistic.

So, the group decides to hide out as best they can and wait for Celestia to pass them by. Applejack and Big Mac split off from the group to find some food and…

…

…

…

…

…

I’m sorry… I can’t subject you to those kinds of images. The images I now have burned in my brain…

So… we cut to Trixie and Luna who are still developing a plan to stop Celestia. With Luna taking her assault in strides. Oh, I’ll come back to that in a minute.

Twilight, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie gather the Cutie Mark Crusaders and make their way to Crusader’s Clubhouse.

Oh, and Spike is suddenly with them. Consistency? Fuck it. One of the many things I’m sure the author fucked.

As with most fanfiction, Fluttershy seems to be the only one in character and the rest of the cast is a bunch of dicks with Twilight leading the charge. When Fluttershy hears that Rarity was attacked, she wants to go and see if she can help her. However, Twilight explains that it’s too dangerous to check on their dear friend.

Good to see that friendship is magic, Twilight.

Rainbow Dash arrives in Canterlot to warn Luna and the others of… what they should already know…

“Yeah, Princess Celestia's gone like, crazy or something! She's doing all sorts of horrible, bad, just... uncool stuff to other ponies in Ponyville!”

Well, I’m glad our dictionary is expanding to the words ‘uncool’. Let’s add some more insensitive words while we’re at it. Like ‘not radical’ ‘bogus’ ‘sucks’ ‘weak’ ‘mondo-bizarro’.

And our hero, Trixie, says this…

“Hmph, why waste our time trying to rescue a bunch of losers?” remarked a voice inside the carriage.

…

…

I’m going to let you rage about that one…

We cut to Fluttershy sneaking through *ponyville* to find Rarity and check up on her. Suddenly, she is attacked by Celestia.

… My hooves continued to move. One after the other… I wasn’t sure where I was until I heard the sounds of somepony yelling at me.

“Sorry, sir, you’re not allowed in this area.”

I look up to see one of the Canterlot Guard baring my path. Further, I see … Canterlot Castle?

I remembered thinking to myself about how far *ponyville* was from Canterlot. Was it really only a 30 minute walk? Maybe I should make the trip more often to complain about Celestia’s rule? Despite this, I was too distracted to think clearly. I just turned around and began to wander some more. The streets of Canterlot were far more elegant and refined than that of *ponyville.* I’ve wanted to be here my whole life. Living in the life of luxury, but I was hardly that. Most Earth Ponies stick out like a sore hoof here.

Don’t know why. It just does…

Trixie and the others arrive at the Crusaders clubhouse and explain to Twilight their plan.

And then we get this piece of information… Something that I think I’ll be angry at when I’m a lot less depressed…

This is due to a certain part of her, a sort of separate personality in her mind that was once locked away now released and overtaking her. She is still the Celestia we all know, only with her mind distorted, distraught, and perverted.

Ah… so, this is the author’s attempt to make sure that Celestia is blameless in her actions? So… they know this. They all knew this was a problem. They all knew this thing would be an issue and that no pony in their right mind would take the step necessary to make sure it didn’t happen again. Are you fucking serious?

And then Luna makes probably the suggestion that makes the least sense possible…

“How do I put this...” Luna said quietly, lowering her head temporarily to think to herself. “We need Celestia to do what she did to your friends, to you...”

…

…

…

Yep… You all just read that… You all just saw that image in your mind… Luna suggested that Twilight allowed herself to be attacked in order for this plan to work… Even though, Luna has been able to defeat Celestia with by becoming Nightmare Moon and that now they have Trixie and Twilight to combat her, as well as the royal guards. And I doubt Equestria would be okay with a psychopath running their country, so they’d be behind killing Celestia. So, why the fuck don’t they do that?

Because, we need to get Twilight to be raped somehow.

That’s the whole reason…

How can I continue to read it? After that, how can anyone? I look down to my hooves… shaking… uncontrollably. I just want to collapse to the ground. The cold hard concrete against my flesh. Condemning me to my fate. I want ponies to just walk on top of me. Crushing every bone in my body and leaving me a bloody mess.

That would be a more preferable fate to reading this.

Twilight receives a letter and realizes that Celestia knows where she is. Luna and the others prepare their trap and Twilight…

And Twilight….

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight…

And Twilight …

A n d T w I l I g h t…

A

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T

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And then we get to the part where I would normally scream, rave and rant about something that pisses me off more than anything else in this story. This line here…

She can't explain why, or how, but past all the fear and anguish, past the desire to get away and the need for the comfort of home, this all somehow sort of feels... good.

… Your allegory for the story. Being raped is okay. It is desirable. It’s every woman’s desire to be raped. To be sexually assaulted against their will. That is what every woman desires and don’t you fucking tell me otherwise. You got it right story. You fucking got it right. You are just so much smarter than all of us. You are just so much better. So much more intelligent than we will ever be. It’s like you know people. It’s like you know exactly what goes on in a woman’s… in a victim’s mind. It’s incredible. We should be writing songs praising your name of how much you know. We should hold you up to the greatest writers of all time for this incredible insight. This magnificent masterpiece of a fan fic that can never be replicated for the amount of knowledge that you have on this subject and the people who have actually been there. You should receive the highest honor for accurately depicting what it means to be in this situation and how the victims coop with it. And anyone who thinks differently about this subject matter should rot in hell, because you are the only one who knows what the fuck they are talking about. You are the only one who understands the victims. All those scientists and doctors, medical professionals that think they know anything about the victims and how much they hurt and feel and the lives lost from this. Fuck them. They don’t know shit compared to you. You are like a paragon of knowledge compared to those idiots who don’t deserve their medical and psychology degrees. You are clearly the one to go to for knowledge about this subject and the people it affects.

… And if you believed a word I just said… You’re a fucking idiot.

“Rest assured,” The second guard said.  “Any injuries or mental anomalies caused by her role in this will be tended to to the best ability that the Royal Equestrian Physicians can provide.

Oh, yeah, that’s fantastic. What are you going to do? Throw a Band-Aid on it?

So, the group gathers the Elements of who the fuck gives a shit and cures Celestia of her mental illness because the author isn’t smart enough to come up with something better.

So, everypony comes around and gives Celestia a big hug, because … as the story puts it…

“It's... a long story,” Celestia said with a soft sigh.  “After being around so long, I somehow grew an alternate personality that liked to... indulge on such horrible things.  I tried having it sealed away with magic, but that only works for so long...”

That’s right. The rapist is not to blame for their actions. They are under a split personality. That’s all. That’s why it’s okay to forgive them. Don’t hold it against them. It wasn’t their fault to begin with.

… Blow me…

Our story ends with a friendship report to Celestia, Celestia not being locked away in a deep dark cell even though that is what a smart, logical, intelligent author would do, and we hint that a story that I will never read, no matter how many of you ask.

… I’m not sure what to do anymore. I wish I could review this one… I wish I could just sit in front of a camera and say what I feel about it.

I think I would say this…

This is, without a doubt, the ugliest fan fiction… No, the ugliest piece of literature, I have ever read in my entire life.

It’s clear that no effort was put into it. The plot is ridiculous, mostly because the characters themselves are idiots. Between Luna casting a spell that she wasn’t supposed to, the royal guards not dealing with Celestia when it first happened, Twilight being unsympathetic, Trixie being an uncaring bitch, Celestia being… that abomination… and just every other character being horrible, horrible ponies.

And you know what the damned thing about this is… It actually praises those ponies for being terrible. For all the bad decisions and horrible things they do, they have no consequences. They have no setbacks, no moral dilemmas that they have to overcome, they do not answer for the crimes they commit. The story doesn’t treat its characters as actually characters. It treats them as objects. Nothing more that tools for the author’s desire.

None of the characters take any responsibility for their actions. The story never holds them accountable for anything they do. It treats them like… “Oh, we’re just having a good time. LOL.” Shame on you. Fucking shame on you. You have no right to allow these characters to get away with the horrible things they do. This wouldn’t bother me as much if there was some kind of repercussions for what they do. Some kind of punishment for the characters being just so… despicably awful. There never is a moment when the story tells us or shows us that doing this had very negative consequences. Instead, it glorifies them. Holding them up on a pedestal and says “This is acceptable.” Fuck. That. Shit.

Which brings us to the next thing that disgusts me. The character’s reaction to the attacks. They have almost no reaction to them. Instead, the story chooses to focus on the attacks themselves instead of what happens after the attacks and how it affects the characters. The story pretends to care about that by throwing them in every now and again, but they affect nothing in the overall story. They affect nothing about the characters. They affect nothing about how the audience should feel about this very delicate subject matter.

Instead, it glorifies the attacks. It makes them seem like they are desirable and that causing pain to others is pleasurable. That hurting and demeaning, degrading and destroying the people you care about the most is something that is acceptable. That bending people to your will is just and right. That’s what this story does.

The spelling and grammar are all over the place in this. Being decent in one spot and then being awful the next. It shows that the author didn’t have time to write a good story because he was too busy writing whatever the fuck this was. It’s not good, it’s not entertaining, it’s not enjoyable. It’s ugly. Absolutely ugly.

The ending is rushed as fuck. It just pretends that nothing happened, with a big fat middle finger to anyone who actually gave a shit about this story and its characters.

Frankly, I wish I could just pretend it never happened. I wish that this was some fucking nightmare and that I never had to see these images. It hurts… It hurts to read this story… It hurts to talk about it… And that’s why… I can’t review it…

I can’t review this story…

Every sentence in this story feels like I’m begin stabbed in the heart. It hurts me that much… I hate this story that fucking much… And now… every time I hear that joke … that meme… I am haunted… Burned… damaged… Like a piece of my soul is being torn asunder… Only for it to heal for the next time I am tormented…

Time will heal these wounds… but these scars… the scars that torment my mind… will last forever… waiting for the next moment when I am reminded of how I got them.

Waiting for the aching memories to resurface.

Until then… I carry on… Maybe one day… when I can read this story without shriveling in fear and pain… I will review it… But until then… I carry on…

The Uprising

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about Celestia…

I KNOW IT’S TOO SOON! SHUT UP!

Celestia is one of the most abused characters in the show. The second being Applejack.

She’s been called a tyrant, a troll… whatever the fuck she was last week… and just about every despicable thing in the book.

But there’s one thing that most ponies never consider her to be… A liar.

Now, many of you may be saying that ‘Critique, there are tons of fic on the subject matter which Celestia lied about something’. To which I say, I think you give my mental health at this point far too much credit!

Yes, this has been done a million times. From conspiracy theories to exaggerations about her sexuality.  From her birth to where she was during a vampire invasion. Celestia has pretty much lied about everything.

Of course, this makes me think she’s lied about me having a completely unlikable personality and makes me think that she really has the hots for me. But what mare wouldn’t?

Approximately 99.99999999999%

SHUT UP!

And this story is no different with Celestia being charged with crimes against Equestria. But thankfully our Mary Sue… oh, it’s a stallion, so Gary, is here to make sure she is proven innocent. At least… I think that’s what it’s supposed to be.

The description and title don’t mesh very well…

There have been many crimes against the Princess in Equestria. But none have been for the greater good. Until now. Meet Eliot Shine. A lonely, blank-flank high-school Colt as he uncovers the shocking truth behind Princess Celestia, and has to pay the ultimate price for this information.

But, I’m sure it will make sense by the end. Although I doubt it. So, let’s dig into The Uprising by Darththork99 and see if I need to beat something with a shovel by the end of this.

It had been a year since the royal wedding.

A full year since Mykan found his new punching bag… Seriously, I think Cadance needs to be put into protective custody with that guy.

LEAVE CADANCE ALONE! PLEASE! SHE’S A HUMAN BEING! ... OKAY, MAYBE NOT… *cries under a bed sheet*

Twilight Sparkle was now related to Princess Celestia by law.

Which made that Thanksgiving she failed her finals really awkward.

At first, she was quite uncomfortable, but she has grown used to her teacher also being her aunt.

She was especially appreciative when the kids on the playground all called her ‘teacher’s pet’. The students where later discovered on the moon.

Everypony in Ponyville was quite content with the long term peace they where experiencing. Except, the peace would not last.

The most tactical, most advance species was at the doorstep of Equestria! Threatening to destroy all that they held dear! Diamond Dogs!

Also, 10 points to Gryffindor for the long term peace they ‘where’ experiencing at Hogwarts. Kids have died there!

Our story truly starts with Rainbow Dash continuing to dream about her adventures to the Wonderbolts. Something Season 5 will undoubtedly tease us with. However, it mentions that something bad is going to happen to Rainbow Dash today.

Oh, good. Way to keep us in suspense, story. Now, I know that sometimes letting people know ahead of time what is going to happen is an affective story telling strategy. But those stories usually have good reasons for telling us that early on. Fire Emblem: Awakening in particular did this strategy, but ultimately, it paid off because it went with the central theme of the game.

This story doesn’t have any reason to hint at it, other than it doesn’t know how to tell a good story or keep suspence.

So, Rainbow Dash decides she needs some new tricks to impress the Wonderbolts. And what is the most logical strategy a not-Alicorn Pegasus could do to impress the Wonderbolts?

Oh, of course! Raise the sun! Yeah… that’s just the most logical! Hell, I should raise the sun! It’s so damn easy!

So, just when you think the story is on enough acid to be a hazard you dangle your hero over, Rainbow Dash decides the next pre-morning to try and raise the sun.

"How am I gonna raise the sun?" Dash thought to hersefl. "Aha!" Rainbow Dash got an idea, and immediatly took action. Rainbow Dash lifted herself off of the soggy dew covered pre morning grass, and started to fly in large circles at top speed. She excecuted a perfect Sonic Rainboom, causing the sun to budge out of it's current place. As the waves of rainbow energy pulsated through the sky, Rainbow caught the sight of the sun rising over the distant horizon, moving faster and faster every second. The sun moved inch by inch, until it had reached it's peak, Rainbow Dash had just done Princess Celestia's job for her.

So, performing the Sonic Rainboom was the thing that raised the sun. … If that’s the case, how come during the day she first did it (not counting the first FIRST time she did it) the day was still… well… DAY!

See?! Still day time! … Also, I think Rarity might be dead… Whoops…

So, after Rainbow Dash raises the sun, Celestia arrives and is ultimately not too happy about Rainbow Dash doing her job for her. I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s about the only things she’s good for and Rainbow Dash took that away.

Oh, don’t you glare at me! What are you going to do? Send me to the moon?!

Sir, is it really wise to taunt the Alicorn Princess?

What? It’s not like she actually reads my reviews. I can say whatever I want about her with no consequences whatsoever…

Rainbow Dash! I will not stand for somepony trying to make me look disposable! What you've done, will make Equestria think less of me. I am the one in control of the sun! Not anypony else!" Celestia scolded Rainbow Dash before ordering her guards onto her.

Um… not to be an asshole… Actually, I take that back. I do mean it when I say, “Isn’t that the same fucking thing you did with Luna for the past 1000 years?!”

This whole talk about making you trivial and you do the exact same thing to Luna by raising her moon. Well, at least we can add hypocrite to the list of things you are.

Celestia arrests and subdues Rainbow Dash and throws her in a dungeon for an entire year.

Yeah… For raising the Sun, one time. One fucking time. Rainbow Dash is imprisoned for life. Good God, the princess must be taking disciplinary measures from Ponyville Elementary. Where bullying gets you expelled and thrown out on the street to starve to death.

And what do Rainbow Dash’s friends have to say on this? Oh, strap yourself in for some bullshit!

Her friends on the outside world begged Princess Celestia to show mercy, but Rainbow Dash would never be allowed to leave the prison.

And that’s it! That is all we ever seen of the main six trying to free Rainbow Dash? This is their friend! They are seriously standing for this! And what the fuck does ‘begged’ mean? Was this the conversation they had?

:ajbemused: Let Rainbow Dash go.

:trollestia: No.

:ajsmug: Well, we tried. Come on everypony! Let’s all go get high at Fluttershy’s!

:yay:

Not how it happened?! Then show us how it happened! Show, don’t tell! Show the main six trying to get Rainbow Dash out! Don’t just tell us it happened and expect us to just buy it!

For that matter, why is Celestia giving such a harsh punishment for something like this?! Wouldn’t her time be better spent dealing with … oh… I don’t know… ACTUAL ISSUES?!

Yes, Celestia raising the sun is a big deal. But that’s not the only thing she can do. She’s still a political leader! She still has a kingdom to run! She’s still the one who makes all the decisions! She’s still royalty! She still has 1000+ years of experience and wisdom ruling the fucking place!

So, why is this a big deal?! Why is Celestia being the only one who raises the sun a huge deal?! I’m sorry, I’m not buying it! It doesn’t make any sense, and it certainly doesn’t warrant locking up Rainbow Dash for life!

So, as Rainbow Dash is locked up, she begins to become depressed and tries to commit suicide. Well, thanks for showing us the depths of her struggle and inner torment. Like this…

It was the first few weeks that where the worst though. All of her dreams had suddenly vanished! She would never get to be in the wonderbolts. Hay, she won't even see them ever again. All that work, wasted. She had tried to commit suicide on the twenty-second day. She had tried to hit her head off the wall as hard as she could. But the guards put a head protector on the back of her head. A few days later, she tried to do it another way. She had tried to bite her own tongue off and choke to death on her own blood. She just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Yeah, I think that speaks volumes of what she’s going through! Fuck it! I’m hitting my head against a wall! Maybe I won’t die! But at the very least, it would be more entertaining than reading this shit!

Some of the guards took advantage of her, because she was bound in the most helpless position.

Oh… Well, that’s really cute! Why don’t you have Celestia come down and rape her while you’re at it, asshole?!

DON’T SERIOUSLY DO THAT!

Just because you have adult content in your story, DOES NOT MAKE IT AN ADULT STORY! An adult story would be able to know how to talk about this very delicate issue, NOT JUST THROW IT IN THERE TO BE ‘DEEP’ AND ‘DARK’! YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT BEFORE YOU CAN BE ‘DEEP’ AND ‘DARK’! SOMETHING YOU’LL FIND THIS STORY IS EXTREMELY BAD AT!

So, during her stay in the prison, (where I guess no laws exist for attacking prisoners. Of course there isn’t!), she meets with a pony, in the cell next to her, and they become fast friends. Why, it’s so fast, that you don’t even get to see it happen. It just, sort of, pops the fuck out of nowhere! Oh, I’m glad our time could be well spent on abusing Rainbow Dash instead of … oh, I don’t know… BUILDING THE FUCKING REALTIONSHIP BETWEEN THE FUCKING CHARACTERS!

She had made friends with a prisoner in the cell right next to her. He was a young colt, serving five years for vandalizing a castle wall.

Oh, wow. Now that friendship! Oh, man! I’ve seen some friendships before! You know, like, Frodo and Samwise from Lord of the Rings. Ash Ketchum and Pikachu from Pokemon. Kirk and Spock from Star Trek. But this… This friendship tops all other friendships… No friendship is as strong as this… What… Half a paragraph of text telling us they are friends… But yes! This is the best friendship! Other friendships only wish they could be as friendly as this friends! Best friendship!

Best friendship! 10/10

- The Critique

Our story then jumps to our stallion ‘friend’ (rather abruptly I might add) named Elliot Shine. He’s a stallion who is older than the Cutie Mark Crusaders and still doesn’t have his Cutie Mark. Because apparently he has to be unique and get everyone to feel sorry for him.

Three years ago, apparently Elliot had been part of some presentation, but he can’t focus on it because he is depressed about not earning his Cutie Mark and thus has no purpose. Feel free to make your own metaphor jokes here.

"I can't find my meaning to this world. I mean. Am I just here to waste air? I don't see why I should even be alive." Shine, the green pegasus has problems with self worth. He had tried to commit suicide three months back.

Well, glad we didn’t see the depths of your depression and why you would want to kill yourself, SHINE! I’m so glad our time was better spent with guards attacking RAINBOW DASH THAN ACTUALLY CHARACTERIZATION!

This story has no characterization in it! The characters talk a lot, but for all their talk they have very little in the way of personalities. Most of these character seem depressed or outright unpleasant.

The presentation it turns out was about the crime in Equestria. Ironically, this story is a crime against Equestria. Just for different reasons.

One would think it would go into detail and actually give a damn about it, but no. The presentation ends as quickly as it begins and yet it was SO thrilling that Elliot actually wanted to learn more about it! Why would you not show us that and get us invested in Elliot’s decision?! He’s supposed to be the main character! The character we relate to with decisions! Why would you not show us how he came to those conclusions instead of preferring to just waste our time with this story?!

Elliot goes home to his … desktop computer? … Sure… whatever. It makes more sense than anything else in this story. He goes through his YouTube account, Facebook, Tumblr, and all these other websites. Man, Equestria must get really good internet to be find websites from EARTH! I wonder what they would say about our porn?

Yeah, probably…

So, he starts to watch his favorite movie, Kick-Ass, because he relates to the character. Again, pretty ironic that a story without a relatable character is talking about relating to a character. He also explains that he’s a virgin. And this is a big problem because… he’s 15?

Yes, because that is how it works! Unless you have sex within the first 15 years of life, you are a loser and nothing good can come from you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Why are you not having sex or putting your dick in everything with a hole by the time your 16?! Have fun with sexually transmitted diseases!

Seriously, this pisses me off! There’s this stupid misconception that unless you’ve had sex in High School you are a loser. That is totally untrue! It doesn’t matter when or even if you’ve had sex! That changes nothing of the overall person! The person should be judged based on who they are, not if their virgins or not!

And what does this have to do with the overall story? Fuck all!

This backstory was just a waste of time, since it doesn’t have anything to do with what is going on.

Anyway, he starts thinking about the presentation and how Luna’s punishment was to be sent to the moon for 1000 years.

What did Luna do on the moon for one thousand years anyway? Why such a harsh punishment? Whats it like to be turned into stone? This was all he could think about for the rest of the day.

Oh, yeah. That’s a harsh punishment alright. Almost as harsh as murdering a group of gangsters with a jetpack Gatling gun!

Youtube Video

He ends up finding website dedicated to Celestia about how harsh she is at punishing ponies for crimes. It says that’s she is unfair and harsh and that banishing Luna to the moon could have been handled another way.

Okay, story. Explain… Well? Hey, story! Over here! Look at me when I’m talking to you. Don’t look at the door. Look at me. What could have been done to Luna that would have been better?

It told about how harsh the crimes where punished, even the most minor offenses get horrible punishments. The most popular page was about Princess Luna. Most where saying that Nightmare Moon could of been handled in another way.

Yeah… you have nothing, do you?

This is going to be one of those preachy fics, isn’t it? You know the ones. The ones where they think they are being deep by talking a difficult issue, when really they didn’t think the first thing through and thus it doesn’t work out because the arguments they bring up raise far too many questions.

The issue here? Crime and Punishment.

The story says that Celestia is too harsh on its criminals and that things need to change. Well, make the story reflect that! There is no other time she has been cruel in her judgment EXCEPT Rainbow Dash! What are other examples of that?! And if there is a better way to punish Discord and Luna, then what are they?! You can’t just expect us to buy that sort of thing, without some kind of evidence to back it up!

Anyway, he decides to do a livestream on the subject. Because apparently, Equestria has the same level of technology that Earth does.

He does his livestream where he preaches about how “Celestia is evil! She’s a meany head! Blah, blah, blah!” Look I can’t do this shit justice, so I’ll just let you read about it and then I’ll say why it doesn’t work.

Remember Nightmare Moon? Princess Celestia trapped her on the moon for disallowing the sun to rise. Well. As you all know, she is Celestia's younger sister. We all went maybe four hours without the sun those thousand years ago. Then Celestia banishes her to the moon. She would of left her there permanently if she had not managed to notice the stellar patterns, and attempted an escape. But Princess Luna rules the night like Celestia rules the day, they have became peaceful again. Now onto Discord. I know everypony thinks he deserves to be frozen in stone for eternity. But just think to yourself. What is being turned to stone really like? Do you just...Fall asleep until you escape? Do you dream? Is it instantainious until you are out? Or are you aware your turned into stone. You can't see, feel, hear, think. You are just there, existing for however long your turned into stone? If thats the case, then Discord does not deserve such a punishment. I mean. He's not creating chaos for his own malicious intents. No! That's how he was born. He's the spirit of Chaos and Disharmony for Celestia's sake! What do you expect?"

So, where to being… First off, there was evidence that Celestia was unable to banish the darkness within Luna’s heart, even with the Elements of Harmony. It was explained in the FIRST FUCKING EPISODE! She needed to find Element Bearers that would be able to utilize the Elements to free her sister from the evil force corrupting her. She was too powerful and dangerous to be kept in a prison, so … send her to the moon!

Okay, it doesn’t make lot of sense, but when it comes to the safety of your subjects, the people you rule over, you have to make tough choices!

Now onto Discord. So, because he was born a Spirit of Chaos, who makes everyone’s life miserable, he should get a free pass?

Okay, the same could be said for Ed Gein. Just because he was mentally insane, he should not be punished for the murder of several women. What? According to your messed up version of justice, that’s how this should work!

Again, this means a lot coming from the guy whose favorite movie is about a superhero who goes around and murders people!

Or is that what the story is suggesting? Is the character suggesting that Celestia have killed Luna and Discord? Would this story consider that merciful in its eyes?

I don’t know! Fuck this story!

When he wakes up from his live it turns out his babbling had earned him quiet a number of views… most ponies reacting like this…

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So with his sudden fame, Elliot’s life turns upside down and everything goes right for him. He even gets a girlfriend. And just like the friendship, it’s as good as it gets.

Her name was Sunflower. She was a bright yellow unicorn filly, with a strait red mane, and a long soft tail. Her cutie mark was a flower.

Best relationship! 10/10

- The Critique

Also, something I’ve just noticed… we are almost done with this story and we really have no idea what the hell this story is about. Seriously, what is it about? I think it’s about Celestia being evil, but where does the plot go from there?!

And I thought this story was about Rainbow Dash breaking the law! Why the hell are we instead focusing on this character that I couldn’t give less of a shit about since he has no characterization outside of bitching about Celestia?!

After a few days of that, a group of stallions break into the classroom of Elliot and arrest him. … And he’s the only pony the soldiers arrest, despite their being an entire website for Celestia’s ‘cruelty’. The price of fame, I suppose.

The soldiers sentence Elliot to be tied to a pole and burned at the stake.

I’ll go get the timber and ember!

Well, they tie him to a pole, but only so they can throw filth at him. Seems kind of pointless. But it doesn’t give the citizens a chance to stand up for him in the most contrived way imaginable. Why is Celestia wasting her time with a 15 year old kid?! Doesn’t she have better things to do then watch YouTube videos?! Some diplomatic relation she has to deal with?! A law to pass?! Something! Why is she publicly humiliating a 15 year old idiot who doesn’t know any better?!

For that matter, what is Celestia’s side?! Why is she acting like a bitch?! What is her reasoning?! Does the story ever give us an answer to that?!

And another thing, shouldn't this be something that the main six should be dealing with?! Yeah, funny how this story starts with Rainbow Dash, the main six, Twilight Sparkle and then suddenly, they are nowhere to be found! What the flying hell kind of sense does that make?! You spend half your story establishing Rainbow Dash and Twilight and they aren't even the main fucking characters! Hell, they aren't even side characters! Side characters have a reason to be there! These characters don't! The only one is Rainbow Dash and she's just a 'woman in refrigerator' trope to get the plot rolling!

Ergh!

Anyway, the group is so riled up by Elliot’s mistreatment (Because as we later see, he is a messiah) and rise up to take down Celestia. The breach the castle’s defenses and make their way to the throne room where Celestia and Elliot have a final stand in which Celestia ends Elliot’s life.

If it feels like I’m rushing the fuck out of this thing… I am, but that doesn’t help that the pacing for this climax is very much rushed as fuck.

Elliot is buried with nopony in the audience actually giving a fuck. Celestia is imprisoned, Rainbow Dash is released and our story ends with the promise of a sequel.

Whoopty-fucking do!

Everypony will cherish this event as an example that anything can be achieved with teamwork, and friendship.

Last minute message because…

God, this one is awful. It’s preachy as hell, nonsensical, and just an overall bore to sit through. I’ve seen grass that was more entertaining to watch!

It doesn’t have focus since Rainbow Dash at the beginning was completely pointless! Elliot has no characterization! The uprising and the joining of Elliot’s side happens way too quickly and doesn’t show why Elliot would possibly be in the right! It doesn’t show Celestia’s side and has her actions make no sense!

The arguments against Luna and Discord are weak and the main character is a hypocrite!

Let me be clear on this… I am not opposed to Celestia being a villain. Hell, in some stories, it’s done well. But, it has got to make fucking sense! This story… does not. It doesn’t portray Celestia like a character, but rather a tool that the main character can preach about.

The spelling for this thing is just all over the place and in desperate need of a proofreader.

Overall a very disappointing story that unfortunately the author thought was ‘so gripping’ that there are three more of these stupid things to read! One of which I’m sure I’ll get into later this year!

Have a great day, guys!

Always Calm is Flutter's Mom

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, after the last two weeks of torture I’ve had to endure, I decided that now would be the perfect time to actually try to find something good on the shelf to make me feel better. Also, the doctor I’ve been seeing the past couple of weeks has recommended that I take something for my blood pressure.

*Pops pills into his mouth*

So, this week… I’ll be taking a look at something that brings me joy. I’ve been doing some digging and I’ve found what better place to start feeling better about myself than with my favorite pony.

Okay, besides myself. Fluttershy.

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What can be said about Fluttershy? She’s cute, she’s funny, she’s helpful, and she always treats others with kindness.

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… Most of the time…

Many of you probably don’t care my reasons for liking Fluttershy over the others, so I won’t go into detail. But she’s one of the first ponies I ever liked in the series and continues to be most loved by me to this day.

So, it only makes sense to cheer me up by reading about my favorite pony. So, let dig into Always Calm is Flutter’s Mom  by Night—Mist and see if this can capture the complex personality of my favorite character.

It was a peaceful Friday morning at Fluttershy's cottage.

As opposed to last Friday, when vampires took over the minds of Fluttershy’s animals and sent them on a rampage.

MAYBE I WILL MARRY EQUESTYLVANIA! WHAT’S IT TO YOU?!

"Now Angel Bunny, I want you to be nice to my mother when she shows up. I know how much she's gonna wanna tickle you," Futtershy said.

:fluttershysad: I don’t want it to be like last year where you took her into the basement and tried to sacrifice her to an ancient evil god. … Where did you get that red robe?

Also, who the hell is ‘Futtershy’?

Oh, I know. This is just in case the story gets Fluttershy out of character! The story has its own explanation! Now, I know if Fluttershy is ever out of character, I can breathe easy knowing it’s not really her.

And if she is in character, who the hell is ‘Futtershy’?!

"Mr. Honeycomb, you make sure not eat too much at once while she's here. It's very rude to over eat while we have guests," Fluttershy said to her bear friend.

No, it’s rude to get yourself something to eat without offering anything to the guest. They may not take, but at least they know you aren’t a selfish asshole.

Futtershy continues to talk to her animal friends wanting to make the best appearance she can for her mother, Kind Heart.

A knock comes at the door and Futtershy answers it to, who else, her mother.

She bared a striking resemblance to her daughter. In fact the only way to tell them apart wa by their manes. Where Fluttershy's was pink, Kind Heart's was Sky Blue.

… So, her mane was another OC pony?

Did she take her to her basement and cut her up before deciding to wear her like a piece of clothing? If so, I can see where Angel gets his violent cult tendencies from.

I don’t think Sky Blue should be capitalized here. Unless of course that is what you mean, in which case, you are sick!

"I am better know that I get to see you mom. All the animals have been excited to see you. I was glad they weren't too excited," Fluttershy said in her shy tone.

Know that we are all here, I would like to propose a toast! Here and know, we can all be just friends and now how to say the words we need to now!

Also, something that continues to be addressed in this story is what type of tone these characters are using when they speak. I’m not saying that stating the tone is bad, but when it is done constantly like it does it this, it kind of gets annoying.

"Beaverton Beaver. Don't gnaw on any hardoak branches or you'll get a tooth ache again, and we remember what happened last time, so only maple like my mom said before," She said in a soft tone.

"Hello my little angel, how are you today?" Kind Heart asked in her motherly tone.

"I am better know that I get to see you mom. All the animals have been excited to see you. I was glad they weren't too excited," Fluttershy said in her shy tone.

Yes, this is the third time we’ve seen this in this story so far. We’re barely 1000 words in!

Also, why would Futtershy have a shy tone with her mother? I know she’s afraid of going to the supermarket, but normally a mother is an image that is associated with safety and love. Why would Futtershy be nervous or afraid of that? If that is the case, why was this not mentioned earlier? Based on what I saw, she was pretty excited to see her mother. Why would she suddenly be nervous?

Are they on bad terms? Does Futtershy have some bad news to tell her? Does her mother like to beat on her with a crowbar? I don’t know, but give me something!

Anyway, Futtershy welcomes Kind Heart into her home and she greets all the animals.

Honeycomb blushed. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk, you need to put on a few more pounds if you wanna stay warm during your hibernation dear," Kind Heart said motherly.

Honeycomb: But Futtershy said…

Kind Heart: EAT, DAMN YOU! And while you’re at it, get me a beer!

"Mr. Honey Badger, you haven't eaten too many juneberries again have you?" Kind Heart asked quizzically.

HONEY BADGER TAKES WHAT IT WANTS!

They continue to tour the cottage and Futtershy thinks about how her cutie mark is a near mirror image of her mother’s. Because like the Apples, your cutie mark can only be whatever your parents are…

Which makes no sense, since in Fluttershy’s song, she admits to never seeing butterflies and that she’d never been near the ground before! So, if Futtershy’s mom has the same cutie mark as she does, how is it that Fluttershy was never introduced to any ground animals?! If Futtershy’s mom was good with animals, wouldn’t she want her daughter to have animal pets to play with growing up?

Or was she an anti-flytite?!

Hm… Actually, that would be more original than half the fics I’ve ever read.

We learn a bit more about Futtershy’s mother and that she has a very protective nature. Especially when it comes to Futtershy.

She would never get into fights with other ponies, unless the occasion called for it, and ever since Fluttershy was born, Kind Heart also had her maternal sense kick in and always wanted to protect her daughter when she could. Some who knew her even even nicknamed her Brave Heart.

Jesus, I’m getting all kind of material for Fluttershy fan fiction! So, the mom is a nazi and Braveheart?

I’ve got to admit… I didn’t see that coming…

Once the hellos were through,

Which would have been nice to see.

Kind Heart sat down with her daughter on the couch. "So how have you been dear? Stallions haven't been giving you trouble here have they?" Kind Heart asked.

:fluttercry: Well, there is this one stallion who keeps stalking me, leaving me gifts on my front porch and calls my phone but doesn’t say anything. He also keeps making fun of me.

Futtershy’s Mom: Don’t worry, dear. I’ll take care of him like I did Gilda.

Oh, and I’m not even kidding about Gilda.

"You're my daughter Flutter's, and no stallion or mare hurts my little girl in any shape or form. That Griffon learned her lesson after I was done with her," Kind Heart said in a defensive tone.

Jesus, mom! What did you do to Gilda?! The story never mentions so… No, I’m sure it’s fine. After all, this is Fluttershy’s mother, one of the kindest souls I know, she would never…

JESUS!

So, Kind Heart exposits that she wished she could go back to the days where Futtershy was helpless and needed her mother. Well, somepony is certainly clingy. Will this come back to haunt the story?

Nope. Just throwing it out there. A quirk. Nothing to do with the story. Nothing that serves any point. Even though this is deep rooted psychological issue that should probably be addressed.

Kind Heart says that she’s going to move to Ponyville. This excites Fluttershy and they decide to celebrate by having a special lunch together.

They start to get the lunch ready, but Futtershy says that she’s out of apple cider.

As Kind Heart set the table, Fluttershy went to the fridge to grab the food and drinks she could find. She then noticed she was out of wild apple cider (non-alcoholic). "Oh, mom, it looks like I ran dry of wild apple cider. I'll go get some more," Fluttershy said.

Um… thanks. I assumed it was… Or does every pony in the show actually drink alcoholic beverages during apple cider season?

That might explain Rainbow Dash’s annoyance at not getting any.

No apple cider make Rainbow Dash go crazy!

So, Futtershy decides to go and pick up some more at Sweet Apple Acres…

Okay, you mentioned that you don’t want to be rude to your guest and yet you leave her alone in your house while you go out and get more cider?! Take her with you! She’s moving to Ponyville anyway! You might as well give her the tour and meet up with your friends, spreading the news! Making sure her stay is comfortable!

Futtershy is a fucking hypocrite!

No wonder the animals want to revolt!

So, Fluttershy heads out to Sweet Apple Acres and… then goes back home… Wow… that scene added a lot.

You think I’m kidding? Take a look at this…

She made her way to the apple farm and offered to pay Applejack for the cider, but said it was on the house due the fact her mother was in town. Fluttershy made her way to the wild apple tree area of the farm and was met with a challenge. all the apples were either fermented or the tree was picked clean. She searched for a long while until she came upon a tree that had wild apple ripe enough and  not fermented.

Having been given a filter to take out any imperfections in the juice, Fluttershy picked a few and got to work as she filled her pitcher up with the cider. Soon it was full enough she threw the apples to the side and let the earth reclaim them to grow more. She then made her way back over to where Applejack and thanked her for letting her get what she needed.

Yeah, that scene was really necessary for this story, wasn’t it? I mean, Applejack… doesn’t even have a line of dialogue. There’s nothing here that added anything to the story, anything that adds to the characters, nothing of value came from this scene. Hell, you might even say the scene never happened. So why add it?

If anything, it slows the pacing down since it requires Futtershy to leave the actual plot to go elsewhere that doesn’t add anything. It’s just wasting our time!

Was the story too short so you needed to add that extra two paragraphs? Focus on the characters! The relationship between Futtershy and her mother! Isn’t that why I’m reading this to begin with?!

And it’s not like the mother does anything because, when we get back, nothing happened to her! She wasn’t murdered in her home and thus Futtershy wants to spend the rest of her life hunting criminals! She isn’t even inconvenienced by stubbing her hoof or something! She’s just… tickling Angel! Oh, yeah, because Futtershy needed to be out of the room to make that scene work!

So, they talk… I guess… If you can call this talking…

They soon sat down and began eating their lunch. They talked about how Fluttershy should find herself a nice stallion to date and possibly marry someday and how many of the adventures Fluttershy's been on nearly dwarfed Kind Hearts own adventures in comparison. It then came time for the cider and Kind Heart only asked for a small glass. Fluttershy poured her a very small amount, but she gave herself a full glass.

I call this ‘Have your characters talk… But not really.’

It’s a common trope in bad fics. The story tells its audience that its characters are talking about something, but we never see the conversation. We never see them play off each other. We never see them interact, but apparently they do.

And that should be enough, because why would you want to be shown anything of these characters and their relationship together? It’s not like they are supposed to be super close due to years and years of interaction with each other… Oh, wait, YES, THEY ARE!

So, they have their toast to Kind Heart staying in Ponyville.

Fluttershy nodded and drank the rest of her's as they continued to chat.

Again, great development here.

And they decide to turn in for the night.

Fluttershy helped to get all her animal friends down to sleep, and as always, Angel Bunny was the most stubborn. "Come on Angel, you need to get rest so you can feel bright and bushy tailed tomorrow," Fluttershy said.

Get it? He’s a rabbit!

"I'll try to remember that one mom," she yawned.

"Aww, is my little girl getting tired?" Kind Heart said.

"It's been a long day mom, I think we could both use the bed rest, I mean, if you think we should," Fluttershy said.

And this is another problem I have with this story, the mother babies Futtershy. God, she is the mother that won’t let her child grow up. And what’s worse, Futtershy is completely submissive! This should be the central source of conflict between the two. That Futtershy is an adult mare and that her mother has to let go. Not stop loving her, but realize she is an adult!

Now, you can hint that maybe Futtershy doesn’t want to upset her or is afraid to speak up, but this story doesn’t hint at it at all! And if that’s what you’re going for, it’s going to end up undermining it because it’s poorly executed!

The next morning, Kind Heart wakes up to see that something strange appeared in the dead of night.

Aww… I could just eat you up… Computer, get my butcher’s knife…

Yep, this is what appears in Futtershy’s bed rather suddenly. There’s no explanation as to why it suddenly is the way it is, but… Hey, maybe that’s what non-alcoholic beverages do to you. Which is why I only drink alcoholic ones.

'how is it that my little girl is my little baby girl again,' Kind Heart thought to herself.

No. The correct answer was…

THE FLYING FUUUUUUU-?!

But it turns out that Futtershy wasn’t the only one changing last night.

As she looked up she looked in a mirror that was sitting across from her and Fluttershy and she saw another sight that amazed her. She was at least twenty years younger, having been a forty three year old mare before hoof, but, unless you were her or her daughter, you could hardly tell, since her family was known for keeping their youth and so many ponies always asked what the secret was.

So, yeah, Futtershy is now an infant and the mother is now a young adult. How is this possible you asked? Because… the god’s demanded it?

So, rather than, oh, I don’t know… Calling Princess Celestia about it! Kind Heart decides to take advantage of Futtershy’s helplessness and care for her like she’s done before.

God, this woman is making Pamela Voorhees look like the more sane and rational woman.

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So, as our mother of the year tries to figure out what to do next, Futtershy talks to her.

"Mama, what appen?" Fluttershy asked.

So, I guess, the 2 month old… No, seriously, the 2 month old is talking and speaking in sentences… What? Your 2 month old wasn’t engaging in a full conversation with you? There’s something wrong with your child! And you should feel ashamed as parents!

So, they try to figure it out and Fluttershy mentions a tree that they gathered the apples from to make the cider. Again, great time seeing that! Which makes the scene with Applejack all the more pointless! Yeah, great mention of the ‘white tree’ that Fluttershy picked apples from!

So, apparently, Fluttershy found the Apple Tree of Youth… I am not even fucking with you there. As for what it is… Just… Just read…

"Fluttershy, you found 'The Apple Tree of Youth'. That tree was given to the apple family by the princesses long ago, but it was thought to be pure myth, just a story told by the Apple family to entertain children. Some of the Apple members, like Apple Dumpling and Apple Cider claimed to have eaten it's fruit to stay alive to talk about it, but many ponies thought they were joking. Huh, I guess they weren't. Now we're both young again," Kind Heart said.

So… let me get this straight… The Apple Family has a tree that can produce fruit that if you consume it then you will never age. You will in fact regress in age and live a longer lifespan. … WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY NOT SELLING THIS SHIT?!

The Apple Family is constantly in financial stress! Why not sell their secrets to a lab or something?! Hell, just sell it as is! Ponies would pay an arm and a leg for apples that cause age regression that prevents you from dying!

Also, it’s a legend?! Why the fuck does nopony know about this?! Does the Apple family just ignore this one tree?! Do they think it taboo?

And there’s the fact that, Kind Heart is taking this in stride. But she’s a psychopath anyway, so, no surprise there.

Hell, forget Futtershy and Kind Heart, I’m more interested in the fucking tree than I am these characters!

So, Kind Heart explains that Futtershy will be a foal and will age at a normal rate with no way to age them to their proper ages.

The only thing they can do is enjoy it. Instead of going to Celestia and trying to find another way.

So, after a pointless breast feeding scene, Kind Heart decides to go and explain everything to the main six, who, I’m sure, will be just dandy with having their best friend be an infant. It will go great to put a baby in danger when going up against Sombra.

So, they head over to Princess Twilight’s house, which brings up the question, why the fuck don’t they just go to Discord? And they explain everything that happened.

Twilight's mouth gaped open in shock. "Um, Princess Twilight are you okay?" Kind Heart asked.

"She... you... but I... how does... uuuuuuuuh," Twilight fainted in front of Kind Heart after seeing the state of her friend.

"Princess!" Kind Heart bellowed as she hurried inside and took Twilight to a nearby couch.

Yes, Princess Twilight! She can face manticores, dragons, hydras, and even a God of Chaos himself, but a baby?! That’s simply too much!

It even gets better with this line…

She soon closed the door and got some cold water and a rag, getting Twilight back to her feet once more. "Sweet Celestia, she' the fourth one this has happened to," Twilight blurted out.

Wait… So you’ve seen this three other times?! Then why the flying fuck did you faint?! Was it really that shocking this time that it caused you to have a reaction on this scale?! What happened the first time?! Did they need to rush you to a hospital?!

But it turns out that Twilight has some more babies on hoof as she shows Kind Heart baby versions of Spike, Lightning Dust and Rainbow Dash.

"The Apple Tree of Youth is supposed to be pure myth. No trace of it has been found. No documents, no scientific artifacts to it's location. It was just the word of the Apples and other ponies that were the only proof if any. And you know that not many ponies trust solely on just the words of others these days. But you and Fluttershy are living proof it exists.

And yet, it was found at Sweet Apple Acres! Do the Apple Family just not keep tabs on their land?! You’d think an apple tree that could reverse the aging process would be more recorded or something! Why don’t you go to Applejack and ask her ‘What the fuck is going on?’

Applejack is a horrible lair! You’d be able to call her bullshit!

But no… Going to Twilight first makes way more sense!

For that matter, after Rainbow Dash or Spike turned, why didn’t Twilight go to Sweet Apple Acres to confront Applejack?!

So, Kind Heart suggests that Princess Twilight send a letter to Celestia and Twilight… thinks it’s a good idea!

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Why the hell wasn’t that the first thing you did, Twilight?!

So, Kind Heart leaves Twilight and makes her way to Sweet Apple Acres where she meets up with the Apple Family.

Kind Heart explains what happened and get a load of this bullshit…

The Apple Family felt a tad guilty for not warning Fluttershy in the first place, course, they themselves had forgotten it had been there in the first place.

… You forgot?

You forgot?!

You forgot you have an apple tree that can make you immortal?! You have a tree that can reverse the aging processes essentially making ponies immortal! A gift from the princess! And you are telling me you forgot it was there?!

Isn’t that like saying Superman just forgot how to fly?! Or Batman forgetting that he’s a multibillionaire?! I don’t think that’s something you just forget!

Kind Heart leaves, again, the Apples adding nothing to the overall plot of the story and she runs into Discord.

So, Discord explains how he knows about Futtershy’s and the others predicament by…

"I read the author's other stories," Discord mumbled looking down.

Making a forth wall joke…

Yeah, what they don’t show you is his review.

Discord: A laughable attempt at best… 1 out of 5.

So, Discord heads off after saying hello to Babyshy and Kind Heart takes her home.

Meanwhile, Discord and Celestia discuss what to do about our… problem…

"Oh, you know how some of these sailors are, they have so much on their mind that they find enjoyment in seeing their favorite ponies become foals in the most bizarre ways your highness," Discord said.

The same could be said for every clop fic writer.

And we get an author’s note about Discord dealing with our storyteller. This would be funny or clever if it was… well, funny or clever…

Yeah, I can’t recommend this one.

The plot is weak, all the characterization is pushed aside and it straight up doesn’t make any sense.

The stuff with Fluttershy and Kind Heart needed to be fleshed out more. The characters needed to actually have a conversation, getting a sense of how they interact with one another. This story never does that preferring to take the easy way out and say they were just talking. About what? Who? When? Where? Why? How? These questions were never answered and in the end, you just feel cheated.

The turning into babies never went anywhere. Why transform these characters into babies if you aren’t going to build on that? It’s just an excuse to show how motherly the author is. Why do you need to transform the characters into babies like this to show that?! Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to just have it early on in their childhood if that’s all you wanted to accomplish with this story?

There is no reason to make Futtershy, or any of the characters in this, babies. It never goes anywhere and it doesn’t contribute to the characters or the story.

The breaking of the fourth wall thing at the end could have worked if it was built up to something with some kind of payoff. Maybe the author really needed the mother to be taught a lesson or maybe the author is really sadistic, but no, it never comes to that. It’s never built up, it’s never referenced, and it just comes out of nowhere for no reason whatsoever.

It’s just there so it can be there with no reason for it to exist.

The grammar and spelling are all over the place. Sometimes it’s decent, but other times it’s like the story couldn’t give a shit. I only pointed out a few spelling errors throughout this thing and even I didn’t catch them all. And to be honest, it’s really distracting. It takes you out of the moments that the story is trying to have.

Not that the story is that good at keeping your attention anyway, with his cardboard characters, nonsensical plot, and overuse of talking head syndrome.

This story is not the story I was hoping for and it’s certainly not a story I will be returning to anytime soon.

It’s funny because this story starts with a warning about overadoribleness.

Warning!!! Warning!!! This story contains diapers, breastfeeding, cuddling and cuteness. If you have a fragile heart, beware. You have been warned.

No, what it should have said was…

Warning!!! Warning!!! This story contains bad spelling, inconsistent grammar, lack of characterization and a plot. If you want a quality story, beware. You have been warned.

Much better.

Have a good day, guys.

Well, that’s all I can stand for today.

*Doorbell rings*

Now, who could that be?

*Opens the door to see a pony that looks like Futtershy with a Sky Blue mane*

Pony: Hello, is this the Critique?

Yes.

Pony: I’m Kind Heart. Fluttershy’s mother. I’d like to talk to you about my daughter.

Oh, sure. Come on in.

*The door closes*

Now, how can I help…? Wait… what are you doing with that chain saw?

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Ahhhhh!

Kind Heart: Stalk my daughter, will you?! Get over here! It will only hurt til you die!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Return to Darkness

A gathering of ponies assembled at the cemetery of Ponyville. A murder had happened only a week ago at the Ponyville library. One pony dead. Cause of death: Chainsaw.

Some say he put up quite a fight against the psycho that attacked him. Others say he probably begged for his life crying like a baby. Those who knew him said they wouldn’t be surprised of the latter.

The priest stood up in front of the crowd. “We are gathered here to honor a life. A life that was taken from us too soon.”

As he looked down upon the funeral, the Critique saw only seven ponies attending. “Seriously?!” he shouted. “This is all the turn out I get for my death?!”

Despite how loud his voice was in his own ears, it seemed that everypony else was deaf. Not a single soul turned to him. He hovered in front of his brother, a large blue earth stallion with a slightly darker blue mane. He waved his ghost like hoof in front of the large stallion, expecting some kind of response. Sadly, there was none.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips. He turned towards the audience and spoke. “Well, thanks for the turn out, I guess.” He looked into the crowd. “Let’s see… My mom, my dad.” He pointed towards a mare and a stallion holding each other tightly. There was no way to tell which one was crying harder. “My brother, his wife and his daughter.”

A trio of ponies. One earth pony, an earth mare and a unicorn filly. The mother had her hooves wrapped around the filly as she cried into her mother’s chest.

He looked up to see a computer monitor. “Computer.” He looked at the last guest who was drinking out of a flask. “And that guy I shared an apartment with for three days.”

His mind thought back to that moment. He shouldn’t have been roommates with him as long as he did. And he shouldn’t have broken his lease either. His finances were still paying for that. Or at least, they were. Before he died.

Crazy mother of the year breaks into his home with a chainsaw and he cries and begs her not to cut him up.

He couldn’t remember anything after that, but then again, he didn’t need to.

He turned back to the audience. “You know, this isn’t how I expected to die. In a freak Chainsaw mishap. I expected to die in a war against a God of Evil or something, where I’d expire in Rarity’s arms and she’s confess her love to me just before I croaked. … That’s how I always planned on going.”

***

Hello, everypony. I am… or was, The Critique.

Yeah, ever since my passing last week, things have been a little quieter around here. I’m not sure why I’m still on this world if I’m dead. I’m guessing whoever is in charge of sending spirits to where they need to go is working on my throne to sit while I rule the universe.

Oh, the lives I can make miserable when I get that throne. Until then, I’m stuck here. So, I’ll be giving one final review. The afterlife awaits me. And personally I can’t wait to basically ruin everyone’s lives!

After all, bad fan fics ruined mine. So, what story should I review? Hmm…

Okay, I’ve got it. Let’s review The Return to Darkness by Princecometrder.

Wait, The Return to Darkness?

Oh, Jesus… I’ve heard about this one…

The OC in this is supposed to be so bad, that is makes Lightning Dawn and Thunder Ice… No, they’re still as bad as this guy.

Prince Comet Rider, huh? Well, that’s already a whole letter grade down the drain. I would expect a B as the highest grade you can get on this assignment.

But don’t get too comfortable. We haven’t even opened up the story yet. And I’m a really stickler for quality storytelling.

This is the story of my own character Comet Rider, the prince of equestria. I split the story into flashbacks by the characters. and the pairing will be Comet Rider and Rainbow Dash

Yeah… I wouldn’t expect a B out of this either.

First off, learn to capitalize your names of places! Equestria is the name of a place where your magical horse is the prince of. CAPTIALIZE IT! Second, thanks for spoiling the romantic interest between Rainbow Dash and Comet Rider. I’m sure it’s going to be as forced as all the other pairings of this character, as well as make Rainbow Dash look less of a character that her fans enjoy her for.

Note that we have not even opened the first chapter. This is just the description of what we are in for. As you can see, it gives us plenty of insight of what we’re in for. Nothing. Which coincidently is about how much this story has to offer.

Our story actually begins with Chapter 1: The Return of Discord.

This story was pretty embarrassed when Discord actually returned in Season 3.

It all started as a normal day in Canterlot.

The sky was blue over Ponyville! Differently location, same shitty intro!

The royal guards were patrolling as usual and the Princess of the day, Princess Celestia was sitting on her throne awaiting the next letter from her student Twilight Sparkle.

Because that’s all Celestia is good for and has no other royal duties whatsoever.

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Celestia's POV

*I had really thought it was a slow day today. I hoped that my student would reply back soon. As I pondered a bit, I looked to see one of my guard approaching*

Oh, Jesus… It’s going to be one of those stories.

Number 1… You don’t need to tell us whose point of view this is like that! You can do it is so many other creative ways. Like have her deep in thought or describe her mane and what it’s doing as she focused on other things. I don’t know, just something beyond this lazy, “CELESTIA POV LOL :P”

Number 2: I don’t think Celestia gets slow days with ruling an entire nation! But I’m sure I’ll figure that out first hoof once I get my throne.

The guard warns Celestia that Discord has returned from his stone prison. Celestia tells the guard to send for Twilight Sparkle and her nephew.

No, not that one.

She then starts to think about how her niece and nephews came to be.

No one's POV, 18 years ago

Wait a minute… Wouldn’t this technically be Celestia’s point of view since she’s the one remembering it? Unless No one is actually a character. In that case, he’s the best character in this story.

*It was a stormy night that day.

So, was it day or night?

Oh, great! Luna and Celestia are fighting again! Send them to the moon for time out!

The sealing of Nightmare Moon hadn't lasted the full thousand years. She had somehow returned from the moon and had tried wreaking havoc, but due to her early return her power was greatly reduced. She was captured and held in a cell. Six long months passed as many ponies treated her badly. Today would be different*

So, Nightmare Moon appeared 18 years before the events of the first episode and she was captured and treated badly?

… Why the fuck would Celestia allow that?! If Nightmare Moon did appear, why did everypony seemed so shocked when she did finally appear?! Did everypony just forget the events of 18 years ago?! Do they really have such short term memories?!

Another thing, the story says that Nightmare Moon ‘somehow’ returned! Thanks for showing us that! You know that saying ‘this character somehow did this’ better either be a good joke or building up to something! Since this is all seriousness, this is just lazy!

Also, enjoy this scene of Nightmare Moon being treated badly, enjoy how Nightmare Moon is being tortured by… um… being tormented… Hold on, let me check again…

Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing! How was she treated poorly?! Was she beaten?! Hung by her ankles?! Forced to read work by FelixDawn?! What was done to her to make her miserable?!

The story then switches point of view to a character named ‘Unknown’.

Unknown POV

Actual image of our character.

Unown is patrolling the dungeon when he notices something.

*I had been patrolling the cell of nightmare moon. Her usual loudness was quiet today so I decided to pay a visit to her. As I walked inside I noticed she was lying down quite sad and lonely.

Her usual loudness was quiet? Wow… that was deep. Her loudness being quiet?  This story is asking questions… It’s making me consider what a horrible pony I’ve been in life. About how I’ve always been a jealous asshole… It’s forcing me to confront issues that I’ve deemed unimportant for so long… Could it be that this story… has more to it than I imagined?

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"You have been very quiet lately Nightmare.*

*She raised her head, her alluring dark blue eyes gazing upon me* "I have nothing to be loud about guard.

I didn’t know what you were loud about in the first place!

I’m just going to assume that Nightmare Moon was banging pots and pans together the whole time! That or she was singing Simple Plan!

*At this I would smile gently and then reply with*I thought that maybe you'd like somepony to talk to. No one deserves to be all alone. Least of all you"

It’s a good thing you don’t have a sister that cares about you and wants to help you in the best way a sister could, otherwise, I could never get inside your pants!

Oh, and I’m not even kidding. A few lines of dialogue and then Unown and Nightmare Moon pork. Yeah, such wonderful chemistry there! Why do stories like this always have to have a sex scene in these?! Is there just a law that every bad fan fiction must have a sex scene in them to fool its audience into thinking it’s edgy?! I’m not saying that a sex scene automatically makes a bad fan fiction, but I’m saying that sex that comes out for no fucking reason or no build up to it.

This is just … right the fuck out of nowhere. Just like everything else that comes of this story.

So, we start our next chapter with this author’s note.

Authors notes: hi again. Um I will try to make this chapter longer that the first chapter but no promises. And I noticed the link I put didn't work. Sorry about that. Clop in this chapter. I will give a warning before it happens though.

… You’ve already got the mature warning on your story! Why does there need to be a warning about the clop?! If you have the sex and mature warnings on your story, you don’t need to warn them about the clop?! Anyone reading this would be reading it knowing this had sex in it?! That would be like setting up a story with a warning about over adorableness and…

Warning!!! Warning!!! This story contains diapers, breastfeeding, cuddling and cuteness. If you have a fragile heart, beware. You have been warned.

Oh… yeah… That did happen last week… Carry on…

Chapter 2

The Birth of Honour

No Pov

So, is this story just an illusion in our heads? Granted, that would make this story a lot better. Or is this just No One’s first name. Like Mr. T with his name.

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*Two months has passed since Spirit Riser and Nightmare Moon met. Over time they slowly grew closer,

I know I usually am the first to rant and rave about the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule, but I’m dead. I don’t give a shit.

Deep inside Spirit knew he was falling in love with her. Today he would tell her how he feels.

Well, at least Unown found a plethora of things that he could like about Nightmare Moon.

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Yeah, I think Unown was the co-writer.

So, Unown gets to Nightmare Moon’s cell and Celestia is already there, discussing something with Nightmare Moon, but we aren’t shown what.

Turns out they were exchanging recipes for herbal teas.

So, Unown tells Nightmare Moon that he is in love with her and that he wants to have sex with her. Of course, our Nightmare Moon agrees because she’s in love with him too. Yeah, okay I believe that. Just like Davis and Kari. They areLIKE THE PERFECT COUPLE.

*At that he would press his lips against mine, his lips was soft against my lips, I would slowly return the kiss and wrap my hooves around him*

*Clop Alert*

And then they have sex through the cage. Well, I assume that because there is never any mention of him going into the cell. But who am I kidding? Of course, Unown’s wang is large enough to go several feet!

So, they two have sex in a prison cell because, hell, I guess anywhere works.

And we cut back to present day.

Unknown POV

*I sat in my room thinking to myself on how quiet it had been since Nightmare Moon had been defeated.

Wait, did the sex count as Nightmare Moon being defeated? Yeah, she was sure quiet when she tried to make the night last forever.

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It turns out this is Prince Comet, an expert in cleaning your restrooms, usually followed around by his partner, Bleach. Bleach and I go waaaay back.

(Ok sorry for the late upload but college and laziness weighed me down hehe. I will need to think up what I will do for the third chapter. Till then, peace out everypony.)

Wait, wait, wait… You are in college? And you have writing that looks like it was done by a 5th grader?! For seriousness, learn the basics of grammar! Now, I’m not saying that English has to be your major if you want to go to college nor do you need to know all the rules of grammar! But the very basics at least!

Capitalization on the names of people, places and things would be a good fucking start! About 75% of the time, this story doesn’t capitalize the names of its characters! That’s basic writing! Grade school stuff! And that didn’t carry over to college?! What did the letter of admissions look like?!

Dear professor thomas,

Thank you for giving me, prince comet rider, the opportunity to work in your facility, the equeistran research faclility for mary sues.

Our next chapter sees Scratch Free Comet discussing his thoughts about fighting Discord.

*It was getting dark outside, we would be facing discord tomorrow and I was a little worried. My mother had been easy, but discord is a god.

Wait, so Comet fought against his mother? … When the fuck was that?! We were never shown that! Was that during the first episode but Comet was invisible and mute the entire time?! Little known fact, Comet is actually in every episode of the series. He’s made as much of an impact on the show as I have.

Also, why are they waiting an entire fucking day to deal with Discord?! Isn’t that like waiting until tomorrow to deal with General Zod? … Wait, I already made a Mare of Steel joke? When?! … Really?

Okay then… Moving on…

There would soon be a knock at the door and I would tell the others on the outside to come in*

So, I guess we can add foresight to the ever growing list of powers that Comet with inevitably have as we are introduced to two new characters, Star Shower and Emerald Shine. I don’t know why we are introducing them in the story as they will serve ultimately no purpose in this story whatsoever. Was this an attempt at some anti-sue bullshit?!

That if you put enough Mary-sues in your story that will somehow balance out the fact that there are Mary-sues in your story? That didn’t work for Mykan! Why would it work for you?

And yes… they are apparently alicorns as well.

Alicorns just spring up like rabbits. You can never get rid of them.

Well, if you didn’t cause an animal uprising, I wouldn’t be racist against rabbits. I’m just pointing that out.

Hey guys, what’s up? *I would smile warmly to them, aside from the mane six,

Who haven’t even appeared in this story?!

Also, ‘mane six’ HA! THAT’S FUNNY! AND ONLY GETTING FUNNIER AFTER THE 18TH FUCKING TIME!

Emerald and Star were the only ones I could trust with my innermost feelings and my thoughts*

It turns out Emerald and Star were the only ones that knew he was into Minotaurs rather than ponies. … Just don’t ask how they found out…

Emerald and Star are worried about Discord, but thankfully Comet Spray Cleaner is there to reassure them.

*I would chuckle a bit to lighten the mood*

*Star smiled at me gently and would giggle a bit* oh comet, your such a silly filly *even though you arnt a filly

This was the story’s attempt at humor… Why aren’t you laughing you might be asking?

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12 years ago

Young comet’s POV

Everypony, we have a new student here today, he is our princesses’ nephew, please welcome Prince Comet Rider *I would then walk into the room a bit shy, my tail covering my blank flank* um h-hello everypony

Actually, that is inaccurate. Comet was manufactured in 1956. Way longer than 12 years ago.

So, some of the students start making fun of him for being a blank flank. I know I certainly was. But thankfully, like our beloved Grand Ruler before him, he has a pony that stands up for him. Twilight Sparkle.

And as is typical in every bad fan fiction with terrible original characters, some generic bullies come around and make fun of Twilight. They offer Comet to be a part of their gang and then we have our traditional most over the top reaction that Comet could possibly give.

*The bullys would laugh then look at Comet* Hey prince, don’t hang out with this loser, hang with us. *I would look down as I felt like I was going to lose the one possible friend I had here*

NO!

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Where in that movie it was actually cool, this is… forced as hell…

*That one simple word caused me to jolt my head up, Comet would stand in front of me and charge a spell up* I will never abandon Twilight, she has been so nice to me and I will never turn back on her. You are bad ponies and you shouldn’t do this to her, think of the honour you will lose if you bully a filly!

… Who talks like that?

Also, ‘hero’, how about you just do it because it’s the right thing to do?! Did you ever think of that?! You don’t need to owe anypony to do the right thing! You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do!

Urgh! Anyway, Comet with Lavender scent manages to beat the bullies and Twilight makes him her BBBFF. We later found Shining Armor in a dumpster.

We then cut back to the present, where we are wiser with the… oh so important scene where Comet gets his cutie mark.

Comet flies off to meet with the main six.

Spike: “Oh hey there Comet, have you come to see Twilight?”

“Yes Spike it’s a matter of great importance that I see her and the girls.”

Spike: “Oh ok then”

Did I just lose the fan fic version and find a script for a play or something? Fuck, even a script for a play would have more detail than this!

Spike would go to get Twilight, and I would sit down. Discord presented a very large threat. I mean he was the freaking god of chaos, if that isn’t threatening then what was?

Well according to Soren, he’s a very large threat, not threatening enough to cause any real problems. But a very large threat all the same.

Comet and Twilight see the Chocolate Rain meme going on outside and they gather up the others and the Elements of Harmony.

Rarity: “My word! I am going to get my new dress dirty!”

Fluttershy: “Oh my, I hope the animals are ok”

Pinkie: “Weeeee! Chocolate rain!”

:raritycry: He’s using the bare skin of our characters!

:fluttercry: He’s making us look like stereotypes…

:pinkiesick: I now know what chocolate rain means…

So, Twilight uses her failsafe spell to fix everything.

Twilight would use said spell but unbelievably but kinda obvious to me, it failed.

Twilight: “My failsafe spell….failed?”

Something… feels familiar about this scene… But I can’t … quite put my hoof on it…

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… I’m sure it’s nothing…

So, our heroes go to Canterlot where Celestia explains that years before the six Elements of Harmony…

What? What do you mean that’s wrong?

Seven Elements of Harmony?!

There are seven?!

Fuck…

Celestia: “Because the seven elements of harmony were tied to me and Luna when we defeated Discord. The sealing spell held up, but now, that you and the girls have got the elements with you, they are no longer tied to me and your mother.”

Gee, I wonder how much fucking sense this seventh Element of Harmony is going to make.

We then flashback to 4 YEARS AGO! This story has way too many flashbacks! Why can’t we deal with anything in the plot in the present first?! This story feels like it’s on a fast forward/rewind trip! It goes forward for about half a minute to rewinding to explain something that has no relevance to what is going on at the moment!

How do you think it would work if the series, during a big moment with Nightmare Moon, showed images of how Twilight and Rarity got their cutie marks?

Twight: Oh, no… *Nightmare Moon appears in a fog of black smoke* Nightmare Moon.

*Spike falls off Twilight Sparkle’s back, fainting with a moan.*

Nightmare Moon: Ah, my beloved subjects…

15 years ago…

Twilight: My parents decided to enroll me in Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.

Elsewhere…

Rarity: What’s going on?! *The horn on her head glows a blue light as it drags her across the land. At first, she struggles and fights against the seemingly unstoppable force. However, after a few minutes, she narrows her brow and surrenders to the horn’s whim.*

Also, elsewhere. Years later

Maud Pie: This next one is about rocks… They’re all about rocks.

Twilight bites her lip, not wanting to speak of her disinterest.

Also, elsewhere. Many, many years later

The ruler of said place is called the Grand RulerTri-Horned UnicornMykanDavisCopy-cat who rules over his unicorns by enslaving them without their knowledge. This would be an interesting aspect of the story if the unicorns actually didn’t worship the Grand Ruler like some benevolent deity.

Man, how long is this joke going to go on for?

Makes sense to show those scenes, right?

So, it turns out that Comet and Twilight were reading about how night and day occur and how the princess of the night became Nightmare Moon. When Twilight and Comet realized that Nightmare Moon would come back that year and soon, they decide to take their concerns to Celestia. Celestia responses by sending them to Ponyville to make some friends.

Okay… this seems really, really familiar… I just wish I knew why…

I’m sure it’s nothing…

So, they take the tour around Ponyville where they meet the main six. With Prince Comet Rider charming Rainbow Dash after saying he knows the Wonderbolts with Rainbow Dash instantly falling in love with him.

Wow. Who knew that charming Rainbow Dash would be so easy? No wonder she’s the most popular.

So, two hours later, the group gathers for the Summer Sun Celebration… Gee, my favorite fucking holiday… And who should interrupt the party, but Nightmare Moon.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait! A! Minute!

I’ve figured it out! I’ve finally figured out what’s going on!

Nightmare Moon is actually Comet’s mother and that Unown was Comet’s father!

So…

Why would Nightmare Moon be psychotic?! She changed her ways clearly when she met Unown! There is no reason for her to go through this evil routine of hers since she found respect from her sister and this stallion?!

And I know what you’re thinking ‘If Nightmare Moon didn’t come back, the main six wouldn’t have been friends.’ SO, WHAT?!

It makes no sense this way! The only way this could make sense is if something happened to Unown that Nightmare Moon blamed Celestia for! But no, that’s never show anywhere in this entire story! So, this scene makes absolutely no fucking sense!

Ugh! I hate this story!

We cut to Nightmare Moon’s point of view where she plans to unleash the evil seed within Comet Multi-Surface Spray Cleaner that will turn him evil… Gee, I can’t wait to be thoroughly disappointed.

The group finds a book that says that the Elements of Harmony are in the Everfree Forest and that the group needs to go there in order to retrieve them. After overcoming many obstacles… Oh, you wanted to see those obstacles for yourself?… Silly me. Of course, you do. Here you go. Don’t say I’m not a nice guy.

After finding the book, we would head to the Everfree forest. Overcoming many obstacles, we would arrive at the castle my mother and aunt once inhabited. The seven elements on a  statue.

I’m sure you were as satisfied as I was. As satisfied as ripping out my intestines with a spoon!

They manage to gather the Elements of Harmony, but unfortunately Nightmare Moon is able to destroy them. However, Twilight comes to a realization. That the Elements of Harmony are not items, but ideals.

Twilight: “Applejack, who’s truthful words saved me from the avalanche represents the element of…Honesty. Fluttershy, who tamed a wild Manticore, using her kindness and her affiliation with animals, represents the element of…Kindness. Rarity, who’s willingness to give up her tail to help a sad sea serpent represents the element of…Generosity.  Pinkie Pie, whose fun nature drived away the scary trees represents the element of….Laughter. Rainbow Dash, who’s unending loyalty to her friends represents the element of…Loyalty. Comet Rider, who’s sense of honour helped end the curse of a ghost knight represents the element of…Honour.”

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Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait! A! Minute!

I know what’s going on here! I know what this story is all about now! I finally discovered what this story is doing and why it is bothering me so much!

…It’s not showing us all these things happening! I don’t remember seeing any Manticores in this story! Or avalanches! Or sad sea serpents! Or Ghost Knight! Where the fuck was any of this?! Imagine if the first episode of My Little Pony did this kind of rushed as fuck pacing?!

I’m Twilight Sparkle. These are my friends! Buy our toys!

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Actually, I think Hasbro would have been okay with that…

So, Twilight reveals the seventh Element of Harmony… Friendship, I guess… and they transform Nightmare Moon back into Luna. But not before Nightmare Moon gets one final message in…

Nightmare Moon: “You may have stopped me my son, but you haven’t changed your fate….ARMAGEDDON WILL RISE!!”

Again, I look forward to being thoroughly disappointed…

So after that… Oh so subtle scene, we get back to the present day where we find that the Elements of Harmony have disappeared.

Funny… That’s in my Elements of Harmony case…

So, it is revealed that Discord is the one who stole the Elements of Harmony and that he is challenging our heroes to meet him in Ponyville. No, not the Castle Labyrinth. Why would he take them there?

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They get to the edge of Ponyville where our hero makes this comment.

“Wow and I thought Blueblood looked dumb, this guy takes the cake!”

The girls would laugh at this while Discord glares at me.

Well, at least he’s not a bland donkey with wings! Oh, that was ‘cold’ of me… Maybe you should try ‘lighting up’. Sorry, didn’t know how much of an ‘impact’ it would have on you.  I was just ‘comet’ing on your lack of witty humor.

“Let me guess, we play hopscotch”

The girls laugh at this and discord growls a bit in anger

Don’t laugh on the hopscotch. After all, it is the most advanced tactical maneuver ever invented.

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How does Lightning get pass such a dangerous obstacle course? … We may never know.

So after what I guess passes for wit in this story, Discord separates the team with Comet Cleaners and Laundry making this big spell about how Discord will never defeat him.

Discord tries to trick Comet into giving into dark impulses, but…  I can’t do this scene justice… just read…

Pretty soon I had reached the centre and my mom was there with her back to me

Luna: “You have failed us Comet, Discord took over while you were here”

“N-no, it can’t be, it just can’t”

Luna: “You have failed me Comet”

I would seem to lower my head, sounding like I was sobbing

Luna: “Crying won’t change anything”

I would then lift up my head, laughing uncontrollably, falling onto the ground

Luna: “What? Why are you laughing!?”

“Hoo boy, do you really think that will work on me Discord?

Luna would growl and turn to me, being my mom but with Discord’s face

Yeah, because this clearly makes the hero way interesting to read about, doesn’t it?

This hero is never challenged. Never taken aback. Never even threatened. He’s just SO perfect and SO amazing that nothing can come close to threatening him! Why would anyone find this character interesting?! He’s boring as fuck! He’s not charming, he’s not funny, he’s not interesting to watch, he’s not a deep character! He’s the same as every other character like him! In an effort to be edgy and different, he’s exactly the same!

So, Discord wins because Rainbow Dash ditches the game. … Why does this seem so familiar?

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So we start our next part of the story with Emerald Shine. Yeah, remember that fucking character and how much of an impact he had on the story! He’s upset because Comet Rider was an Element of Harmony and he wasn’t! Oh, yes! I certainly feel for this character, who has… said nothing… pretty much done nothing… And wasn’t even important enough to have any role prior to this whatsoever.

I really feel for … whatever the fuck his name was!

We then cut back to our heroes, again, what’s his face scene really adding a lot to this story, where Discord disappears and leaves our heroes in thought. Twilight and Comet Cleaning Powder think about Discord’s riddle. However, Comet is able to discover the meaning behind it. … Even though the riddle was this…

Discord: “Oh poor pathetic ponies, you are so foolish, your elements were already close at hoof, closer than you imagine Twilight Sparkle”

The answer… Twilight’s home?

How the fuck did you come to that conclusion? What part of that sentence told you that that was the only logical explanation?! Where the hell did this come from?!

But, of course, our great prince of toilets is right as they gather at Twilight’s house to discover the Elements of Harmony. But there is still one problem, their friends have still been corrupted by Discord’s magic.

Wait… I never mentioned that in my review… That scene happened? When? … It did? Really? You all knew? Oh… well… I feel silly then…

But Comet, oh blow me if you don’t know, has a plan to free all of Twilight’s friends. I would say they’re Comet’s friends, but… Let’s be honest, no pony would ever say that.

So, they use a memory spell on Twilight’s friends and manage to return everyone back to normal.

Meanwhile, Unown rides off to see his son Comet Rider. Why you might be asking?

Because… Because…

Let’s see…

“I’m here to check on things. You found the elements I see. Well…go save Equestria son”

No, that can’t be it… Give me a second…

“I just want you to know, I am so proud of you. You are a good colt and a hero”

Because… The god’s demanded it? I don’t fucking know… It’s just another chance for somepony to suck on Comet’s nozzle.

Which you should never do.

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    Comet - it makes your teeth turn green!;

    Comet - it tastes like Gasoline!;

    Comet - it makes you vomit;

    So buy some Comet, and vomit, today!

So, our hero gathers the courage to face Discord. And Discord … for no reason, goes on a rampage and tries to kill Comet. But our hero is saved by his father at the last second.

He would throw me at a tree and then fire a sort of laser at me. Closing my eyes I heard the laser impact but….it didn’t hit me. Opening my eyes I would gasp as I see my father on the ground, blood pouring from the wound in his chest.

“DAD!!”

No! Not Unown! I built him up from level 5! This is why I don’t play Nuzlocke!

Though to be fair to the story, the father is going out like I always pictured him. With no build up and no mention of it ever again. Glad to see you had a point. But seriously a moment of silence for that completely pointed character…

Youtube Video

Sorry, I was watching something nostalgic and deep. Was there something else I was supposed to be doing?

Oh, yeah… This…

So, after … I don’t know… I think someone died, but I think they have to be in the story first… Comet uses the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord.

The group gathers their fallen hero and whatshisfuckits readies his plan for revenge against New Super Comet.

A few days pass after Unown’s death, which nopony seems to give a damn about, when suddenly Comet is attacked by a figure in a black cloak. Gee, I wonder who it could be? Could it be the only other pony that we’ve even hinted as a villain even though he has little to no motivation to be such a villain?

As he tried blasting me with a spell I would dodge and fire at him with a fire spell, watching as he ripped off the hood, revealing Emerald Shine.

Somepony pick up the phone because I fucking called it!

Emerald: “Always you, it has always been you Comet. Becoming the element of honour, being dads favourite. I am sick of it!”

Oh, yeah, you’ve really shown us your jealousy and hatred for your brother and father in the … what zero scenes this has ever been mentioned? … Which actually makes this the first time this has EVER been brought up… And by doing so this climax makes no fucking sense whatsoever since it has no build up to such a moment.

What was the fucking point of this character? We’ve already had two major villains in this story! Why the hell are we doing another one?! Is this supposed to be a series and these are different episodes?! If they are, these are very poorly handled episodes!

I would growl a bit, he had clearly gone insane. This isn’t the caring brother I remember.

Oh, yeah. Don’t you guys remember the line where the brother was a caring brother? I would, but I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just finishing this up as quickly as possible…

They fight for a bit, though I use the term ‘fight’ lightly, and whatshisface turns into a horrible monster.

Emerald: “I don’t wish to be called Emerald Shine any longer. Now….. I am Darkscar!”

Because that’s what a hero would name himself, isn’t it? Good to see that the best villain in the story was No One. Best character ever…

Darkscar attempts to wrap up his character as quickly as possible by explaining his motivation, but let’s face it, the story doesn’t care, why the fuck should I?

Darkscar threatens everyone Comet with Bleach ever cared about and Bleach gains the power of plot convenience and manages to defeat Darkscar.

However, thanks to him being... Just… just read…

His golden mane and tail seemed to darken and then dark blue armour appeared on him. As he pants, I see darkness emanating from him before looks at me with a look of pure hate and fury.

“C-Comet? What the hell happened to you?”

He would scoff and smirk as he stands up properly

???: “Oh Comet? Well he isn’t here…not anymore. I am not Comet”

I would gulp and look at him; I was actually scared by this point.

“Then who the hell are you?”

???: I am your worst nightmare come true, I am darkness incarnate, I am the true son of Nightmare Moon. I AM ARMAGEDDON…THE SPIRIT OF DARKNESS!!!”

… So, you have a demon inside you called Armageddon? And you are going to use it to destroy the world?

Computer, what’s the scouter say about his sue level? … Computer? … Computer?! Damnit, how am I supposed to quote a popular meme if I don’t have someone to scream the results?!

So, Armageddon loses all control and he decides to go on a rampage. This is the author’s attempt at making our hero ‘dark and tormented’ by putting a demon in him. Me? I say it’s lazy because it allows him to be LIKE THE PERFECT HERO, but still have a villain inside him. I say it’s lazy because rather than give our hero doubts and putting him in a situation where he would question himself, the story instead opts for the ‘he’s possessed so it’s not really his fault trip.’

We then cut to Rainbow Dash and how she is thinking about Comet.

:rainbowhuh: Yeah, I should probably get to work on that mildew buildup…

Rainbow Dash discovers, via Cutie Mark Crusaders, that Comet has transformed into a monster and is wreaking havoc on the city of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash flies off to face him only to be attack by Comet. The others arrive wielding the Elements of Harmony, but without the seventh element, Comet will never return to the way he was.

Because he was so interesting before this, we just had to get him back…

So, they use the Elements of Harmony … and this somehow works even though the seventh element isn’t there, but this the point the story said, “Fuck it.”

And our story ends with Comet realizing that Armageddon is a part of him forever and that all the death and destruction was his fault. But that’s okay, because the main six love him because it wasn’t his fault really. He was possessed by a demon…

FUCK! THIS! SHIT!

Awful in every way imaginable!

The writing style is beyond lazy with no characterization, no sense of the world around us, lack of capturing any kind of emotion or thought with any situation they are in. It plays out more like a script for a play and a very bad play at that!

The dialogue is terrible with characters barely talking like they are actual characters and more like tools! The stuff that passes for wit in this story is cringe worthy at best. There is never any moment where the characters can just be characters! Comet says a lot, but it’s all plot related stuff and nothing about his actual character!

The characters are basically cardboard boxes with no personality or depth to them. The main six aren’t characterized at all and for all the ‘friendship’ talk they go through, Comet never interacts with any of the characters in this story unless it has to do with the plot. Comet is a boring, bland, personality lacking, uninteresting character, who is SO perfect; he’s barely worth making fun of. The only thing that would even be remotely interesting is the whole ‘demon-possession thing’ but that’s become so cliché, that’s it’s not even fun anymore since every Mary-sue and their dog is doing it!

Out of all the OC’s I’ve read about, Comet is probably the most boring. There are no quirks with him, nothing that gives him uniqueness. Nothing that makes him stand out from the piles of OC’s that I read about week in and week out. He’s more like a ‘paint by numbers’ Mary-Sue. Here are all the points you have to hit with your Mary-Sue and the story does the bare minimum of that, with nothing that sticks out!

The other characters aren’t much better. Unown was just there so the author could write a sex scene and Emerald and Star were pointless to the overall story, since they had little to nothing to do with this story anyway!

The plot is confusing as fuck when it isn’t being a complete rip off of the show…

Oh! Now I see why this was bothering me!

Because there is literally NO ORIGINALITY! There is nothing original or new in this story! He took the first two episodes of Seasons 1 and 2 and threw this incredibly stupid character in them, in the hopes that, ‘See?! They have chemistry!’

A STORY DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! If they are part of the series the whole time, SHOW US THAT THEY ARE PART OF THE SERIES THE WHOLE TIME!

Show us how he interacts with the other characters! The story says they do, but there is never any evidence of that! By not showing us it, you take away from us and the story you are trying to tell!

And in the end, what more did Comet add that the four episodes you plagiarized didn’t already do?! Was it insulting Discord with his dumbass wit?! Yeah, I showed you how wit works! Was it having a pointless demon shoved into his body with little to no explanation of how it got there or why it was so powerful?! Yeah, because we’ve never see that before in Nightmare Moon! That was totally original! Was it the sex scene that didn’t even make sense?!

And this story doesn’t even make sense in its own plot! Why the hell did Nightmare Moon turn evil after giving birth to THREE ALICORN CHILDREN?! Why did Celestia allow this stallion so much time to get close to Nightmare Moon so that he can have sex with her and impregnate her?! How did Celestia NOT NOTICE that her own sister is pregnant and do something about it like put the children into protection after they were born?! Or did the guards just assume those wails of pain Nightmare Moon made as she was giving birth was just her banging pots and pans together?!

And then there is the romance between Comet and Rainbow Dash. Oh, did I forget to mention that in my review? Funny… SO DID THE FUCKING STORY!

The story couldn’t even make good on its word about the romance shipping. Did the story just forget that part? Out of all the lazy romances that I’ve read, this one has got to be the laziest. God, Lightning and Starla had better chemistry! At least, they talked to each other for more than half a sentence! Rainbow Dash and Comet were barely even in the same room together, let alone carrying any kind of conversation!

Urgh! This story is making me want to hurt myself! You know, if I wasn’t already dead. But now that’s over with and I’m going to heaven where I belong.

Oh, I wouldn’t bet on heaven…

Oh, god!

No. I’m the other guy.

AHHHHHH!

***

*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He takes in a deep sigh as he lays his head back down.* Oh… It was all a dream…

Glad to see you are awake, sir. Now, how would you like me to rearrange your organs today?

My what?! *He looks down to see the skin on his chest ripped wide open with Computer dangling overhead with several pieces of cutting equipment.*

AHHHHHHH!

***

*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He takes in a deep sigh as he lays his head back down.* Okay… that was the dream…

*A loud banging came to the door. A moment later, several ponies in armor burst through the door, swarming around the Critique.* Mr. Copper Coin, by order of Princess Celestia, for your crimes of bad mouthing her and every single pony connected to the My Little Pony franchise, you are to be executed by Flesh-eating Breezies.

*The soldiers turnand part to reveal a swarm of Breezies, each carrying a fork and knife. Their teeth filed down into fangs. Foam forming at their mouth as they fly towards the Critique, digging their tools into his flesh*

AHHHHHHHH!

***

*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He took a moment to glance around the room. Everything seemed to be in place. His glasses were still on the night stand. The morning sun rose over the mountains in the distance. His limbs were still attached to his body.* Okay… is this reality?

Sir, what are you talking about?

… What’s the last thing that happened, Computer?

You finished reading The Return to Darkness and hit your head repeatedly against a wall until you passed out.

Yeah, that seems like something I would do. *Gets out of bed* Well, at least, everything is back to normal. I just want to have a nice warm shower. *Pulls back the shower curtain.*

NOPE!

*The Critique punches himself in the face*

***

*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. The sounds of sirens wailing in his ears. He looks over to his right to see a pony in a blue uniform speaking to him.* Dozing off there, rookie?

*He looks down to see himself in a blue uniform, matching the other pony. His counterpart grabs a megaphone and sticks his head out of the side of the car.* Pull over, now!

*The Critique looks forward to see vehicle being piloted by a pony with a computer monitor for a head. The pony turns around and shouts.* You will never take me alive, Copper!

*The Critique narrows his brow and puts his hoof on his cheek.* Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.

***

Happy April First, Everypony! Next Week: The review of Final Draft by Post Script

Final Draft

Hello, everypony. I am Computer.

For those of you unaware, my master has been incapacitated the last couple of weeks and missed his review this week. And unfortunately will be missing this review. He has also had some odd fever dreams of late. Most of them involving chainsaws… And for some reason Spaghettios…

… no, Computer… No, you can’t have any more Spaghettios… you’ve already had like… six cans…

Please, ignore him. However, since I do not wish to see any of you miss another review, I will be performing the review myself.

The review I am going to perform for you today is a story called Final Draft by Post Script

A story that first claimed my attention with this line…

What happens when a writer moves on, leaving a character behind?

I assumed that the writer found another character he could pour all his hearts and dreams into thus making the character unlikeable.

After years of writing his overpowered OC Nightshade, an author decides to retire the character, leaving her in a strange, empty white space forever.

As my master would say, it is a fate that I wish all overpowered OC’s would share. However, it is one thing to be overpowered. It is another to be entirely underdeveloped. An OC is not just bad if there powers are greater than the world’s… though that does not exactly help. It is also their lack of development. A personality, a backstory that reflects said personality, an appearance that reflects that personality and more.

Powers and skills are just one of the substances found in an original character.

When she sees him writing new adventures about a mundane earth pony she is furious, but also heartbroken, and begins to reflect on her life.

I’m sure my master would say something about racism, but I fail to see it.

Our story begins with our original character named Nightshade telling us about her creator…

I will never forget the name of my creator. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it reflected the person he was long ago; xXImmortalCloudXx. I just call him Cloud these days, as he tends to.

xXImmortalCloudXx… You do realize you do not have to pronounce the x’s in the name. It is an attempt to make the name look edgy and serious. Calling him ImmortalCloud is acceptable. And what is difficult to say about ImmortalCloud? I do not understand.

As for what it reflects about said author, based on what I can tell he is either an undying gathering of liquid droplets or frozen crystals made of water or various chemicals suspended in the atmosphere.

Which… makes little sense to me…

Or Cloud Strife with the Final Attack-Life Materia combo…

I still remember the first line he ever wrote, etched forever into my heart.

“As the cold wind blew Nightshade new her time had come,.”

I am going to ignore this spelling error for now as the next line explains that the author had never been much of a writer. Which means this spelling error could have been intentional to prove a point. However, in the event that this spelling error was not intentional I have prepared the proper meme.

Youtube Video

My author was never much of a writer, and half of my adventures went unfinished thanks to his laziness and lack of creativity, but I loved the time he spent with me anyway.

I often wonder if characters could talk to their authors, what they would they say?

Critique: Fuck you and making me a fucking Earth Pony, you fucktard!

Critique’s Creator: I’m sorry. I just thought that an Earth Pony’s struggles were far more interesting. The way they have to live in a world where they are ‘technically’ handicapped is far more fascinating to me.

Critique: FUCK YOU! MAKE ME AN ALICORN! *pulls out a gun* NOW!

Critique’s Creator: Okay… Okay… Just don’t hurt me…

Critique: Write faster, fat-ass!

… Yes, I imagine it would happen very similar to that…

The character then explains how she had been glorified by the story and its writer. She had battled several gods and demons, and had even had sex with several characters in the story, Nightshade even admitting to it being rushed and with no build up.

As true as those statements are, perhaps showing us these events rather than telling us would have been far more interesting. Satire of poor original characters is not uncommon. However, as Dan Eldon once said, “The journey is the destination.” I would like to see the journey of our character, rather than our destination.

The story continues to praise the character until one day the author decided to take a bold move…

As the years progressed he gradually began to become more creative and daring as a writer, and one faithful day he shocked his audience.

I fought a God and lost.

Now, this would be interesting if we saw how or why this character lost. But it is so far unclear. Losing is a good sign of character progression; however, it does not guarantee a good character.

And then the story moves on from it without it being mentioned why the author did so. Or how the character would feel. Surely, the character would question more why would the author do this to her after all that she had been through with him.

After all, the story described her as feeling alive with him. So, after this sudden act of betrayal, why would she have no reaction to it?

After four years of angst, of mysterious pasts and plot contrivances that outnumbered the stars themselves, he announced that he was ‘retiring’ my character.

So, our Nightshade is retired and placed in a blank white space. I believe I am supposed to make a joke about the similarities between them. I hope that made sense.

The days that followed my final story were blank, empty. An infinite white space, they stretched on forever.

Such is a perfect metaphor for everything that happened prior.

Nightshade continues to angst until she finally sees another world being created by her author. However, instead of an Alicorn, the main character is in fact, an Earth Pony.

She’s an earth pony, a much more modest creature than I ever was. Her fur is a light red, and she has diamond blue eyes. As  far away from my lilac fur and purple mane as can be imagined. She’s wearing a straw hat with flowers in it. I can smell them, petunias I think.

As Nightshade continues to watch the pony named Sweetpea, she begins to mentally scold her for her lack of any magnificent qualities. For example, Sweetpea is seen talking with a background pony about something important rather than one of the main characters of My Little Pony.

“Why are you wasting your time on a nobody like that? Are all of the Mane 6 busy?”

I am going to ignore the ‘Mane 6’ in the narrative as the character was created in the author’s abysmal writing. So I am going to assume that it is how the character would announce them in that terrible writing style. However, in the event that this was not intentional I have prepared the proper response.

Youtube Video

I watch as this insipid little thing waltzes over to the flower shop.

“What can I get you?”

“Two dozen roses please!”

So, our girl is getting two dozen red roses? Is it not that the job of the stallion and not the mare? Why would a mare be getting two dozen red roses? Now, they could be for a fellow mare. Perhaps this mare is a lesbian and the author just wanted to write mare on mare action. Would not be the first author to delve in such?

I know it is too soon to use another YouTube clip, but unfortunately it is too perfect…

Youtube Video

I already hate her. She’s considerate and polite and boring. Will she ever topple the changeling empire single-hoofed? Recapture the lost kingdom to the North? I doubt it.

I would not hold it against her just yet. A polite, considerate, boring character is what Frodo Baggins was when he started his journey. And he destroyed a Dark Lord.

Nightshade follows Sweetpea to Fluttershy’s cottage, where I guess Sweetpea just knocks on random doors and introduces herself to strangers. Sweetpea tries to befriend Fluttershy, but after a little conversation, Fluttershy hides back in her cottage.

This could have been due to Sweetpea’s personality, though we are not shown exactly what that is. Or it could be that Fluttershy is having one of her off days.

Either way, Nightshade is confused as to why Fluttershy is not instantly friends with this new character.

The same tired routine plays out as it always does whenever Fluttershy meets somepony, and by the end of the conversation they still aren’t friends. This Sweetpea seems like more of a letdown by the moment...

Funny, the same could be said about this story…

I’m sorry… I have no idea where that came from…

Anyway, the scene changes and we see a character named Cloud. The self-insert for this fic. No, the story doesn’t even try to hide it.

“I love the manuscript Cloud, but I’m worried about the ending-“

What.  He’s actually written himself into the story, he didn't even bother to change his name. Shameless.

Now, to be fair, Cloud isn’t a terrible name for a pony.

Anyway, Cloud and Sweetpea meet at Sugar Cube Corner to discuss a script that Cloud is writing. Apparently, Cloud isn’t happy with Sweetpea’s ending. But rather than ranting about it on his blog, he tells her in calm manner.

“Well, I wasn’t sure how to finish it. I mean, ‘Saying Goodbye’ was just meant as a footnote, I didn’t want it to ramble on-“

“But that’s the problem. You tiptoe round the issue, but you never actually say goodbye.”

It is also interesting to note that the character of Cloud is not our protagonist, but a friend to our protagonist, though how much of a role he has in said story is difficult to determine.

So, our character of Cloud confesses that he wants to move on from her and Nightshade doesn’t take this very well. She is actually rather hurt by all this and feels broken, probably for the first time in her life. She explains that she feels like she deserves it for being a poor character and that Cloud would prefer an ordinary pony over an extravagant one leads her into deeper despair.

Youtube Video

I swear I did not put that in.

So, Cloud asks Sweetpea to go and give his final farewells. Sweetpea travels to the cemetery and meets with a tombstone. Nightshade follows and Sweetpea gives a little speech…

“Umm, hello there, I know we never met but I thought I’d bring you some flowers. It must get pretty lonely here, huh? They talk about you all the time, I wish I’d been here to meet you.”

She places the flowers by a simple stone grave. After a few seconds I realize what is happening.

The grave is mine.

“I know a lot of people aren’t going to like me, since I have such big shoes to fill, but I hope someday I’ll be as popular as you Nightshade! Anyways, I hope you’re happy now, wherever you are. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure Cloud never forgets you either.”

And our story ends with Nightshade accepting her fate and fading into obscurity. Finally earning her a peaceful resolution…

Youtube Video

So, how was this story?

It was actually quite enjoyable. While I would have enjoyed more development from the characters, such as seeing more of the interaction between Nightshade and Cloud, getting to see how close they were, I can’t help but sympathize with Nightshade at the end.

You really feel for her and it is actually one of the few times that you actually feel sorry for the character and it not be completely forced. It is quite apparent that the author knew what made a poor original character and yet managed to create one that you almost wanted to root for. You wanted things to get better for the character and you feel something when that happens.

Maybe this story could have used more to play on those emotions like building up this inevitable downfall of our Nightshade, but in the end, an enjoyable piece of literature from a talented author. A true shame that it is not as well liked as it probably should be.

If you find yourself having a few moments and would like a quick read, this story points out several issues with original characters. Not all of them, mind you, but a few.

Nightshade could have used more of a personality, or at least give her some personality outside her story and the relationship with Cloud could have been more in-depth with her, making her loss far more painful, but in the end, for what we received, I enjoyed it.

Have an excellent day, everyone.

***

A giggle escaped his lips as he skipped across the Alicornian palace hallway, leading up to the grand hall. A joyous smile stretched across his face. As Silver approached the doors, the horns atop the guard’s heads started to glow, pushing the doors open. Silver stepped proudly through them and made a pose with his head held high and his hoof out in front of him, as if to make a grand entrance.

However, nopony in the room turn to him. Instead, they kept speaking to the king, who sat upon his throne, rubbing his hoof against his brow. “I do not understand,” the king’s voice echoed throughout the hall. “Why has our spy not made contact?”

One of the soldiers shook his head and lowered his gaze. “I am uncertain, my king.”

The king leaned forward, his hoof moving to his leg. “Did you check all the possible channels? Have you searched for messages with the keywords?”

Silver admitted to himself of losing interest. The conquest of Equestria was not on his mind at the moment. The only thing that seemed to matter was shutting up the loud mouth reviewer of Ponyville. The one who dared to mock a messiah. He was the best of his race. The ‘anti-Alicorn’ should be on his chest, begging to even bask in his presence.

But no, he just keeps laughing at him. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh. Won’t we?” He made his way to the throne, shoving the guards aside as he passed them. “Father, I have done it! I have-“

His speech was cut short by the king himself. “What is it now, my son?” The king groaned and sunk into his seat. Clearly, he was bothered by more than one thing today. He had been on his case ever since he vowed revenge against this… Critique, as he called himself. His father said that it was a pointless endeavor. That Equestria was more important.

Silver smiled. “Father! I have finalized a plan that will make that anti-Alicorn pay for mocking me!”

The king moaned. “Son, I have told you before.” He stood up. “I have told you a hundred times. In the grand scheme of things, one anti-Alicorn is not worth our time.”

Silver’s smile vanished from his face, leaving only a hurt frown. “But father, I have come up with the most brilliant plan! A plan that only the perfect pony of our race could conjure!”

The king put his hoof on Silver’s shoulder. “And I’m sure it is a perfect plan. But we cannot show our hooves just yet. We can’t let Equestria know that we are active.” He turned his son towards him and smiled. “You understand, don’t you?”

Silver raised his eyebrow. “But, I can kill him before Celestia and Luna even know it was us.”

The king shook his head. “No. I forbid it. You will kill the anti-Alicorn when I demand it. Not before.”

Silver’s eyes began to water. “You are the worst father to a messiah ever!” He darts out of the grand hall as tears run down his face.

Whatever happened in the grand hall after that was not Silver’s problem. His plan was great. It had to be. And the best part of his plan was; the Critique would never see it coming. The pony he needed was already in a perfect position. A few more weeks of proving himself and he would strike.

Then his father would see. His father would finally see that he was truly the perfect pony of his race and then he could come up with a plan to conquer Equestria.

***

No… Computer… No, you can’t have any more Spaghettios… you’ve already had like… six cans… You are getting them everywhere… I don’t care if the meatball ones are good… Just open them up with the chainsaw or something… What do you mean the other stallion?

… It better not be fucking Rhymey…

God fucking damnit…

GPW1 (Great Pony War 1)

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, the great pony war. Those were the days alright. Ponies digging trenches and staying in those muddy trenches for several months, even years, at a time. Where over 16 million ponies died. Not all of them soldier deaths. Where alliances were all over the place and those alliances were called in after the assassination of an archduke. In which an entire continent’s countries were dramatically shifted.

Sir, what you just described was the human ‘World War I’.

Give yourself a pat on the back, Computer! Because that’s exact what Jrony decided to do! Write about World War I! With ponies!

… You may all do a little gun finger gesture to your temple.

I’ve already covered this in previous reviews, if you’re going to do a fic based on a real event, fine, but you better fucking know what you’re talking about.

Otherwise, you might end up insulting somepony. I’m looking at you Thunder Ice!

So, what is this story actually about?

oc charter XVI is sent to go investigate some up roar after a mysterious pony causes problems within the community.

Damn it! I knew they were after me! Computer, get my gun and calculate the best possible defense!

eventually turing into all out war agenst the kingdom and celestia. XVI and two other oc's hypnosis and sky rifter do their part as members of a special op group for celestia during the war.

Honestly, I’m not quite sure where to go with these. I’m not sure whether to bash the atrocious spelling and grammar or the incoherent mess that is supposed to be telling us what the story is about. Which, by the way, doesn’t do a very good job.

Our story begins with narration…

“It all started with a dream…

It ended with Spaghettios!

decades after unicorn, Pegasus, and earth ponies all agreed to live together. Equestrian was still far from being developed to what it is today.

Equestria wasn’t sure how to milk cattle yet. They were a new breed of creatures unlike any they had ever seen before.

There was still issue between the different ponies.

Issue was a pony who would leech off the other ponies and often made a mess at their houses during parties.

Fight, disputes and arguments would break out like a blazing inferno.

Okay, give this story one point. That line is a pretty good one.

What is not so good is the spacing between each of the paragraphs! If you can even call it spacing! You can’t tell by the little tidbits I’m giving you, so I’ll show you by paying 20 mana.

Yes, the wall of text is back. And it’s back with a vengeance. Been a while since I’ve seen it, and it is the walliest wall of text that has ever walled!

The entire story… LITERALLY THE ENTIRE STORY IS ONE PARAGRAPH OF THREE THOUSAND WORDS!

Do you not have an enter button on your keyboard? That is the only possible explanation I can fathom why that would be! It’s incredibly obnoxious to read and it’s easy to find yourself lost in it without any kind of reprieve!

Ugh!

Anyway, the story continues to discuss how the differing races were bickering due to them being of different races. Funny how they covered that in the episode “Hearth Warming Eve” a year before this story was written. I guess Clover wasn’t as clever as she thought she was.

Protester and activist all joined to try and settle the majority of the discrimination, but then he came.

Not that kind of came!

He wasn’t like the other speakers, he didn’t promote equality. Rather, he insisted he and his race was the dominate race.

Actually, I’m not far off on that. The stallion in question is, in fact, a unicorn. And many ponies wonder why I am racist against unicorns.

He promotes that unicorns are the master race (as much as the fandom does) and encourage unicorns to take up arms against the other ponies.

The mysterious man never spoke his name, nor where he resided and promptly left with a small legion of willing unicorns.

We never thought to ask him his name, because we like to listen to random strangers with megaphones who rant about things. We’re kind of dumb that way.

If you couldn’t tell already by the little tidbits I’m giving you, this plays out less like a story and more like a documentary. And not a very good one at that. See, documentaries actually give you information on the events. Names, places, history, you know, details.

This feels more like bullet points. Like it is telling the events of the war without the why, how, who, and what.  It feels like more of what your outline of your story should look like rather than your actual story. And as such, it makes it really hard to read because it is boring as hell.

It’s already got one strike against it with the tedious ‘Wall of Text’ syndrome and on top of that we add storytelling that isn’t really storytelling, it’s a history lecture. I didn’t exactly pass history with flying colors because most of what we talked about in history was something I wasn’t even remotely interested in. And writing like this, does not help much.

Also, if this is supposed to be World War I, why are we involving the Nazi party? I know Hitler was a soldier in World War I, but the Nazi party didn’t get it started (at least based on the researching I did on Google) until 1919 or 1920. A year after the war.

After many speeches made by the unicorn, which I presume was a mirror of Hitler’s speeches, pegasi and earth ponies come together to make a plan.

A letter was sent to inform Celestia, she sent XVI to investigate.

They wanted XIII, but he was busy saving the planet with the guy with blonde hair and a big sword.

Seriously, why haven’t I read a crossover about Red XIII and Fluttershy? Make it happen people!

XVI was one of her top notch Ellet from her stealth force.

Based on Dictionary.com or Wikipedia.com, he is either an expert in extension bridges like the Golden Gate Bridge, a Benham-class destroyer in the Navy, or a neighborhood in Arkon, Ohio.

Either way, I find this meme to be appropriate…

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He was a dear companion, almost an uncle. He was an alicorn, alive longer than she was.

And yet, he had given up his rule to the throne for Princess Celestia. At least this would explain why she kept the title of princess.

A guardian asked to watch her while her parents were gone.

Hinting that possibly we would see Celestia’s parents, since this tells me they are alive. If they are not alive, very poor word choice.

The uncle disguises himself as a unicorn, because if Twilight can turn ponies into Breezies, they can turn into the other races too. He goes into the base of the unicorns to find out what he can. After spending, I don’t know, 15 minutes there?

The pacing on this thing is abysmal! Remember what I said about this playing out more like a documentary than a story? Well, I’ve never seen a documentary so unbelievably rushed! I feel like I have to look back every sentence I read, just to make sure I even read it right, because half the time I don’t know what the hell is going on!

And the rereading of the paragraphs doesn’t always prove productive!

Anyway, based on what I can tell, 16 goes to the base to gather some information and to be a speaker against the unicorn who is rallying the others for war.

He goes into town later that day to look around and is met with prejudice. What kind of prejudice you might be asking? … The … bad … kind?

I don’t fucking know!

The only thing it mentions was that he was denied services at restaurants and bars for being the color that he was.

Yeah, if you haven’t figured it out yet, this just jumped to the days of Martin Luther King Jr.

Considering that Martin Luther King wasn’t even old enough to fight in World War II before it ended, I’m a little shocked and confused why we decided to do this.

Don’t get me wrong, I like King as much as the next guy, but why are we jumping timelines?! Is this supposed to be some Doctor Who episode where we travel throughout all of history?! If maybe the story had some decent development in this, I wouldn’t draw so many comparisons, but since it’s just a bland piece of text that has no characterization, no style in its storytelling, and a barely comprehendible story, I can't help but feel that this is more of a history report than an actual story!

Teachers don’t get paid enough to put up with this shit…

As he travels through the town, he is eventually set upon by a group of Pegasi who attack him. He fights them off and manages to run away, only to be stopped by a group of Earth Ponies, who also attack him.

That’s right! Kill that horned freak! … Ignore my racist comments!

However, before the group can kill him off, a group of unicorns arrive and drive the gangs away. The unicorns explain to 16 that they want him to be a part of their group and that their leader would like to meet with him.

They take him to the outskirts of the town where we met Hitler. Hitler convinces 16 to join his cause, since 16 doesn’t seem to have much of a choice. They take him back to his base and he trains there for a while.

During that time, 16 meets with Hitler who reveals his name to him, but honestly, Hitler is more accurate.

Hitler talks about the Third Reich and when 16 finds himself alone, writes a letter to Celestia explaining his findings.

I wish I could say the story got interesting here, but frankly I just stated what the story stated. I could almost do a copy and paste of the story versus the review and you would barely be able to tell the difference.

Hitler picks 16 as one of his personal soldiers and directs him to recruit more unicorns as they did him.

Turns out the recruitment technique is to hire some Earth Ponies and Pegasi to beat up the unicorns and then they come in and save them at the last second … Okay, it really isn’t, but honestly, who would be surprised if I said it was?

As time goes on, 16 starts to see the unicorn’s side of things. Great, now maybe he can explain everything that’s going on, because I’m sure as fuck not sure what the unicorns are after!

Whatever it is, it causes 16 to betray Celestia and state that he’s decided to join the unicorns in a letter. Well, I’m sure that won’t backfire on you in any way to openly state your about to betray your country! I wish all traitors would announce they are going to backstab you before they do it!

After 16’s disloyalty, Celestia gets two of her of her ‘Ellet’ guards, Hypnosis and Sky Rifter.

Celestia now in shock calls upon her next best task force agents, hypnosis and Sky Rifter, both separate personalities ponies but worked quite efficiently.

And by separate personalities, I think you mean; separate from the rest of reality by having none!

Seriously, Maud’s pet rock had a more distinct personality! Also, why the hell did 16 betray Celestia?! Did the unicorns offer a really good dental plan?!

With the matter now drastically out of hand Celestia is reading her troops in case of attack.

:trollestia: That very night in Max’s room, a forest grew and grew and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around.

Young Critique: Pwincess Celestia, no offense, but this story kind of sucks.

:trollestia: Do you want to know how Luna felt when she was sent to the moon?

Young Critique: … No…

:trollestia: Then shut up.

I loved that book from that point on.

The now enormous following was all gathered up and were called to rally.

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For those of you confused, I think the unicorns are gathering up their followers and holding some kind of wawwy. I couldn’t tell at first because the scene changes are indicated by nothing.

They say that the time has come for them to attack Celestia and her kingdom. I don’t know, if you honestly still care you should up the dose of whatever you’re on.

Anyway, generals of the army are chosen to represent the different factions with Hitler being one of them. 16 being his right hoof pony.

The first of the battles begin and it would be exciting except for one small, tiny, minuscule, little detail, that keeps it from being so…

The troops began their decent on the first few unsuspecting towns and Hoenheim sent a letter to Celestia declaring war.

… Yeah… That’s the entire battle. The entire battle in one throwaway sentence. This isn’t exciting! This is boring! I don’t mind if plot happens in a story, but if you are going to have action scenes, like battles and the like, make them exciting! Make them fun! Make them enjoyable! Give them some … well… ACTIONS!

Also, you sent a letter of declaration of war to Celestia?! I think invading her towns and attacking her citizens is declaration enough! Or is this just common curiosity of invasion forces, that they have to write a letter to those they are invading?

Chrysalis: Now, Celestia! I have your kingdom right where I want it! Soon, all of it will be mine!

Celestia: Well, let’s see the paperwork.

Chrysalis: But I thought… God damn it, did Derpy not deliver my ‘Declaration of War’ letter explaining my plan in explicit detail?!

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Though to be fair, a threat was made against Canterlot in that episode, so maybe this isn’t that far off.

Celestia, furious sends troops to meet hypnosis and Sky Rifter and to eliminate what enemies that he can as well.

Turns out, Furious was actually my military nickname for being obnoxiously angry over tiny details.

Also, this is the second time that Hypnosis hasn’t had his name capitalized. Does the story secretly hate Hypnosis and think it’s a scam?

Now Celestias troops and the Reich’s troops off to fight, soon to meet.

Ten bits says we never see any of that.

God, this story is so boring…

As you’d expect from this story, eventually the armies meet and they fight each other. I say fight but frankly I’d get more entertainment by watching two blades of grass fight each other. The battles cause a large amount of destruction (at least, so I’m told) until the unicorns pull out their secret weapons. Rifles and explosives.

Surprised? Boy, I sure was. Considering this was only decades after the Hearth’s Warming Eve event that brought Equestria’s birth, I very much doubt they had the technological knowhow to create guns and bombs.

Especially since there are no guns in Equestria in present day!

So, Equestria starts losing the battle and goes to the buffalos and griffins for help. And I guess, they just do it… What, did Celestia promise to buy them all lunch if they help her fight a war?

Soon after, Celestia and her kingdom are able to build weapons of her own. Guns and the like. I would say I’d like to know how, but frankly I’m just trying to power through this thing keeping most of my brain intact.

hypnosis and Sky Rifter are able to discover some new information about the enemy (though we are never told or shown exactly how or what it is) and they ask Celestia permission to storm the enemy capital.

She agrees for some reason, even though I’m pretty sure that the enemy base is heavily fortified with all most highly trained soldiers and most advanced tech serving as their shield. But hey, this story hasn’t given me one moment of show in this story yet. So, maybe Celestia isn’t in a war for her country. Maybe she’s in a really intense game of Risk.

Apparently, the war has been going on for five years. That’s pretty impressive to have five years of war and nothing happening.

It was crucial for the kingdom to win soon now that they are at a weak point after an alliance with the changelings and unicorns arose almost knocking out a quarter of Celestias army.

Ah, so they don't kill each other, they just beat each other over the head. Maybe I wasn’t far off. Maybe Celestia just gathered a bunch of kids on the playground and they are really into the game they are playing.

So, yeah, we get some more details (and I use the term details very loosely) on the war and how it is going.

We then get hypnosis and Sky Rifter traveling through the enemy base to try and find 16. They eventually do spot him, but they are attacked by several of 16’s men and the two get separated. Sky Rifter eventually runs into their task force who are running around with explosives to bomb the base to hell.

Meanwhile, hypnosis manages to catch up with 16 and they fight each other. Again, using a very loose definition of the word ‘fighting’.

XVI blatantly says “how are you?”

AHHHHH! DIALOGUE! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

Also, ‘how are you’ is not exactly what I would be saying against a stallion who is about to kill me.

“how am I?! What do you mean how am I?! You betrayed us!” XVI replies “no I didn’t, it was all necessary to do what I did, it’s all for the greater good.”

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So, yeah, 16 explains the ‘greater good’ is basically a mirror image of the Holocaust victims of World War II. And it’s also at this point that any respect I might have had for the story, it sinking faster than my view count.

I mean… This is your big twist… Forget the insensitivity about victims who died during World War II for a moment and let’s focus on this is really stupid! Where?! Where the fuck did this come from?! No build up! No hinting! Nothing that indicated this was going down! This story is supposed to be told from the perspective of two characters (or at least I think that’s what the story was going for) hypnosis and 16!

Why the hell are we not focusing on these characters?! In the end, what do we end up knowing about them?! 16 is a unicorn turncoat! hypnosis is a name that doesn’t believe in capital letters! That’s it!

Documentaries know how to give details about a person they are talking about! They talk about what they did! Who they were! Why the did the deeds that they did!

This story has none of that, instead choosing to just throw all the information at us, hoping that we’ll just take it all in!

Dear god, this story!

Is it almost over yet?!

And then, as if some last minute bullshit to redeem himself, 16 says that this was his plan all along. To pretend to betray Celestia and to blow up the command center so that Celestia and her troops could win the war.

Oh, of course. That was his plan all along. That’s why 16 million ponies died! So you could make this plan of yours work…

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And no… this story isn’t over yet… The story insists on still going… Dear. Fucking. Lord.

hypnosis goes back to Canterlot to explain his victory. However, they receive a letter that explains that they failed…

“you think you’ve won? You think the leader is dead? I know you sent a spy and I let him kill my puppet hoenheim and false scientist and generals. My weapon is now complete. I will enjoy my new kingdom once I destroy yours. The time is near my dear princes you will no longer be the center of the world you’ll be killed at it”

So… that whole thing?! That whole scene of 16 sacrificing himself, after years of him lying and spying and learning all these secrets of these enemies?! Was all totally and utterly pointless?!

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… … … … I don’t want to do this anymore…

Celestia sends her troops to the address marked in the letter, I guess the villains want Celestia to stop them, and the troops march to a hail of gunfire and gas bombs. Again, the story is just so detailed on how the battles go, it’s like I’m actually there.

The final battle is about to begin.

I’M WAITING FOR THE FIRST BATTLE TO BEGIN!

During the course of the battle, every character that has ever been mentioned is dead, with the exception of Celestia. I can just see Celestia rooming through a maze killing these Nazis, only to see her battle Hitler in a huge mech soldier.

That would be the only way this story can save even a little bit of face.

The pony said “so nice of you to join us princess, now we can end this properly. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dante, your soon to be king of equestrian.”

Actually, I’m not that far off. Hitler (AKA Dante for those who are curious.) threatens Equestria with a bomb that is set to destroy her and everyone in the vicinity… Including himself… I think he missed a step in his plan…

However, it turns out that at the last second 16 faked his death. Oh, what contrivances we can come up with next. By the way, thanks for faking your death and causing your friends to die, asshole!

16 uses his magic to teleport Celestia to safety and create a barrier to protect those who might be caught in the blast. Which begs the question, why did he need to teleport Celestia to safety?

Whatever, 16 is dead, Hitler is stopped and everypony can rejoice because the stupidest war story ever is now official over!

AND THANK FUCKING GLOB!

… Why did I just say that?

The class was all in shock and amazement. Apple bloom asked Ms.Cheerilee if that could ever happen again. Ms.Cheerilee said “doubtful but you never know.” Sweeitebell said “That sounded like really scary times back then.” Scootaloo followed with “yeah, for sure, thank glob we weren’t alive back then.” Then the school bell rang and the fillies went off to have fun.

Pfft… Okay, that was funny. But not for the reasons I’m sure the story intended.

So, how does the story hold up?

HOW DO YOU THINK?!

Between being boring and rushed, this story cannot hold the attention of even the most attentive reader for very long.

And even when it does, the reader feels cheated as information is pretty much glanced over. This story needed to be about 10 times its length to properly convey all the information that it presented.

Instead, we get a watered down version of a war that doesn’t even sound all that interesting to begin with.

The characters are nonentities in this story as it doesn’t even try to give them a personality, backstory, or anything that resembles characters.

hypnosis and Sky Rifter were barely in it and had no personalities of their own. 16 is about as engaging as watching paint dry. And Hitler is a waste of a good potential villain. The only one who even has any character in this story is Princess Celestia, but she’s so watered down that you could have replaced her with Scootaloo and it wouldn’t have made a difference. No, I take that back, Scootaloo is a good character. You could have replaced her with Tenderhoof and it would have been the same!

The plot is rushed as quickly as possible to get to the end. Which on the one hoof I can say I am grateful, because that means it’s over quickly. Which on the other, the story never stops to take a breath and just let the moments impact us. It goes by driving at 100 miles per hour and never stops. Ironically, it makes it all the more boring.

The writing style is atrocious, between the narrative being nothing more than telling us what happened, the spelling and grammar that leaves a lot to be desired and the wall of text that makes it a headache to read. Even if it was a good story. Which it isn’t.

There are many stories about unicorns being the master race in the My Little Pony universe. Some of them are good and offer interesting ideas. This… is not one of them! If you have the chance, avoid this story like the plague!

Have a great day guys!

Way Back Home

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Being a reviewer, you make a lot of enemies. Especially if you’re a reviewer who is snarky, handsome, and loves to tear something somepony spent months on to shreds, shower the remains over their heads and just laugh as they cry their little eyes out. Tee Hee Hee!

Then of course, you have a meeting with the kid’s parent and you’re paying for the damages that you caused because the parent happens to know a good lawyer. How the fuck was I supposed to know it’s against the law to damage other ponies’ stuff?!

I’m sorry, I was going somewhere with this…. Oh, yes! You make a lot of enemies as a reviewer. And that’s fine. I am anti-pony and anti-friendship. Which explains why my Facebook is about as empty as the comment section in most, if not all  of my stories.

But I’m getting off topic again. It’s not every day that I get to attack one of the moderators for the website. But when the moderator in question made the mistake of writing a story out of passion and a love for storytelling, he unwittingly fell into my trap! And now that he’s fallen for said trap, I’m going to tear his little baby apart!

I might as well. He does have the power to kick me off the website, so I figure if this is my last review, I might as well go out in a blaze of glory shouting every profanity that I could possible come up with.

Today’s victim… I mean… author is none other than Eldorado as in ‘The Road to’. As in ‘expect a lot of jokes and references to ‘The Road to’’.

You all know him and if you don’t, you probably will by the end of this. Or at least, his taste in writing. Or at least, what he wrote this one time.

So, what are we reviewing by this moderator that will probably end up getting me banned? Well, my friends we are going to review Way Back Home, a story staring Queen Chrysalis.

You know I just noticed, I haven’t reviewed a fan fic where the villain in the protagonist of the story. Well, that’s already one point of originality as compared to other fics I’ve reviewed. But considering that most of the stories I review are stories by Dakari King Mykan and FelixDawn, that’s not exactly saying a lot.

It’s like being the only skinny guy at a McDonalds eating competition and being the guy who isn’t overweight by the end of it.

And indeed, the idea of seeing the villain’s point of view would be original if Despicable Me and Wreak It Ralph never existed. But I joke of course, I’m just hoping that ‘The Road To’ is reading this and he’ll ban me from the website for abuse.

And then of course, there’s the fact that this is a Fallout crossover. Because everyone writes a fucking Fallout crossover! I’m writing a Fallout crossover! I don’t even know what Fallout is, but I’m writing about it!

Apparently, (according to Wikipedia) Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role-Playing Game is a Role-Playing set in a Post Nuclear world. Well, I think that’s enough research.

Our story description tells us of Queen Chrysalis being defeated by Twilight Sparkle.

Victory over Equestria seemed so certain for Queen Chrysalis... until it was torn from her hooves at the last minute by the efforts of Twilight Sparkle and her friends.

Even though it was Cadance and Shining Armor who used the power of love to defeat her. 0 out of 10! Worst fic ever! Review over!

…

…

…

…

As much as I’d love to just leave it at that, I know that I’m going to get a lot of angry emails about never finishing one fan fic review. So, I’d guess I’d better sit down, shut up, and review this thing.

Our story begins with Queen Chrysalis waking up in some kind of ruins

All her joints were stiff, and if she had bones she’d have sworn she’d broken some of them.

Wait, if she doesn’t have bones then what the hell does she have? Maybe Cameron wasn’t too far off with Changelings being similar to ants…

Actually in this story, the Changelings have exoskeletons like an insect, so I’ll let it slide.

What I won’t let slide, how would she know what a broken bone feels like or how they are achieved? Or it is like that really long titled story I reviewed where a Changeling can apparently grow appendages out of fucking nowhere.

Or maybe I’m reading too deeply into this and I’m just trying to piss the moderator off? Actually, now that I think of it, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

But the worst of her condition was not the pain she could feel, but something she couldn’t.

Speaking of appendages, I always wondered how Chrysalis impregnated Cadance.

Actually, she’s talking about not hearing the collective mind of the Changeling army. Apparently, Chrysalis is able to hear the thoughts of the other changelings, like a hive mind or something. I wonder if Chrysalis ever has days like this…

Changeling #1: Stupid Queen Chrysalis, making all these stupid laws and such.

Changeling #2: That ungrateful bitch! She’s never home when I need her.

Changeling #3: Daddy hates me and won’t let me have the latest cosmetics.

I can see now why she’d invade Canterlot; I would to get those assholes to shut up about their personal problems.

The Changelings it turns out are helpless without the leadership of their queen, since they’ve never been without one. Queen Chrysalis realizes she has to find them or they could very well die.

As she tries to escape the floor collapses under her and she falls deeper into the ruins.

The ruined underside of the odd saucer-shaped thing that had brought her here loomed directly overhead, its hull marred with harsh black scoring and countless dents and folds clearly visible despite the darkness of the night.

It had finally happened on this day! Destroy all Ponykind was released for the PS4!

Actually I’m not that far off, it turns out that the saucer had fell out of the sky and crashed into one of the buildings.

She hears a pair of voices that sounds like they are coming straight towards her.

Oh, no! They’re Chrysalis fan fiction writers! RUN, CHRYSALIS, RUN! … Isn’t that the title of another fan fic somewhere?

Chrysalis overhears the two talking and decides it’s best not to take any chances and hides in the wreckage of the ship, hoping that they will leave and she’ll be able to rest her wounds.

The luxury of brash decision-making was no longer hers, and she had to reluctantly part with the wreck and find somewhere safe to hide.

I don’t think invading Canterlot the way they did was all that brash. They would have succeeded if not for the writers coming up with a Deus Ex Machina.

As she searches the house for anything that can help her, she finds a body in the wreckage, but it is neither pony nor changeling. It’s a green being that’s similar to Canterlot’s Royal Guards or something. As such Chrysalis begins to suspect that this is Celestia’s doing and that she had planted her and her changelings in this new area to be guarded by these pony-like creatures.

Chrysalis overhears the group talking about somepony surviving the crash. (Look I don’t know what the hell to call them, having never played Fallout, if Fallout has anything to do with this, I’m calling it a pony.) Chrysalis thinks to herself that if she can get a hold of the pilot who might still be inside the vessel, she can interrogate him for information. She assumes that after the crash, he would be in worse shape that she is.

Chrysalis manages to get around to the other side of the crash. There, she sees a group of large ponies in body armor, a few scientists and a tall Colonel.

The group approaches the pilot, but the pilot doesn’t seem too keen on going with them.  

“Colonel, he’s got a gun!”

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The pilot opens fire on one of the dudes and it apparently evaporates his body. Well, that’s one way to get gore out of your fic.

By the way, wasn’t the dude that was shot wearing body armor? I mean, it says one of the soldiers was shot, so what the hell? Maybe the ‘heaviest suits of full-body armor Chrysalis could even dream of’ was just for show and to look badass.

The soldiers kill the pilot and the Colonel tells the group to search the ship. They spot Chrysalis and Chrysalis tries to get away. She manages to avoid them for a while until she finds an old factory and she decides to hide there until she can figure out a way to escape.

However, given the layout of the area around being desolate and devoid, she realizes that it wouldn’t be long before the soldiers figure out where Chrysalis is and start shooting up the place to find her.

Of course that was what they were doing; even the Royal Guard wouldn’t be dense enough to not figure out where she’d buggered off to, given those options.

Ah, so even Chrysalis knows that the Royal Guard is full of assholes. Official head canon accepted.

They could probably see the chimneys from the crash site, so all someone had to do was chance a gaze in their direction before something to the effect of “hey, Colonel, maybe she’s over there in the only other habitable structure in the nation” was uttered.

Capitalization is for squares. I’m starting to see how half the stories I review get past moderation.

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The line starts at the front door and goes around the block… Twice.

However, Chrysalis comes up with a plan to get the jump on them. She hopes to find something heavy she can use to bar the door and use her magic to catch them off guard.

Chrysalis makes her way inside and sees a stallion by one a gathering of crates. She thinks to herself of a plan and disguises herself as one of the ponies chasing her, but a female version.

And then it jumps points of view to the stallion for a line or two. I know there is no rule against it, but I do have to scratch my head at the choice. For the most part, we’ve seen things from Chrysalis’s point of view, why would we, in the same chapter, go to another point of view for a sentence or two? I’m not even exaggerating; it’s only for a sentence that we see this character’s point of view.

There might not be a rule against it, being a third person story, but it does feel really shaky here.

Anyway, Chrysalis pretends to be a damsel in distress and like a stallion who only thinks with his penis (or Tumblr followers) he comes to her aid without even asking questions. Chrysalis smiles at her plan, but suddenly the stallion starts gibbering like a mad pony and attacks her with a knife. Chrysalis manages to deflect the knife away from her and steal it from the mad pony’s hooves.

What, does this guy have mood swings or something?

The soldiers burst in and open fire on the mad pony. Chrysalis manages to distract the soldiers from attacking her by throwing the knife. She hopes it would buy her enough time to get away, but the mad pony knocks her to the ground.

She fights off the soldiers for a bit before the Colonel manages to get the drop on her and Chrysalis is captured.

“Well,” he shrugged, “on behalf of the Enclave, let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.” His brow creased, and he crouched down to stare directly into her eyes.

“As of right now, your ugly ass is officially United States Government property.”

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OH MY GOD! THEY WORK FOR HASBRO! RUN!

Sometime later, a scientist is talking to the Colonel of the area about Chrysalis, stating that she could be one of their enemies that they’ve been fighting.

“This thing’s killed people, and I need to know what it’s capable of, and how it might be of use to us.”

Scientist: Well, we plan to use her to rally these teenage to middle age male demographic to join our cause.

Colonel: Do you think this will work?

Scientist: Trust me, we show them a rainbow colored horse joining our cause, they will too!

Anyway, they continue to discuss what to do with their captive and the Colonel says that the scientist should keep digging to find out what she is. The scientist has a theory that she might be a product of genetic engineering.

“But, you are familiar with deathclaws, right? Unlike your average wasteland creature, they weren’t modified exclusively by post-war nuclear radiation but by government funded genetic engineering. They did mutate a little bit after the Great War just like everything else, but they were originally Jackson’s Chameleons, genetically modified with DNA taken from various other species in order to create the perfect predator.

Ah, so that’s what the Great Pony War 1 was about from last week. … And yet, that wouldn’t make it any less stupid.

The Colonel gets a call that he’s wanted by the president and our next scene shows the Colonel meeting with said president to discuss the water purifier situation.

Apparently, a group called the Brotherhood of Steel is reestablishing themselves and that they needed to get to the water purifier before they do. I’m assuming the Brotherhood of Steel is hold up in the place and that the group needs the water for the small colony, but I’m just guessing at this point since I’m having a hard time figuring out why they need to be there and what history they have with the Brotherhood.

Granted, it does say they need to purify the land and that this would achieve that, but I still fail to see the history with the Brotherhood and why or how they are being such assholes.

Maybe this makes more sense if you played the game.

The Colonel is a bit confused at the president’s proposal to capture a water purifier since he’s show no interest in prior, but he agrees to do his job and find a way to obtain it.

The Colonel, being cautious, orders his men to send drones to scout out the place since they don’t know for certain that the water purifier they want even works.

A scientist then enters to the room looking for Dr. Anderson from earlier (The scientist watching over Chrysalis). The Colonel tells her where he was last scene, but the scientist claims that he isn’t there and that Chrysalis is gone.

The Colonel raises the alarm and puts the entire base on alert about Chrysalis.

The entire base is on high alert looking for Chrysalis, but a few moments pass and nothing seems to come up.

“Ge to an intercom. There’s one outside and down the hall, to the left. Contact the president and tell him we need the hangar silo doors locked down on his override as well as the main entrance. I don’t want to take any chances.”

Ge to the in to the er com typo. This story has some typos that makes the author DOH! I’m typolicous.

The small squad of soldiers stood in a semicircle around the prototype suit of Hellfire armor being tested in the middle of the room, confused and hoping for instruction.

It’s not my fault! I’m not to blame! It is the gypsy girl, the witch you set this flame!

The panic of the base sets some of the soldiers against one another since they can’t find Chrysalis anywhere.

Maybe it turns out that Chrysalis is actually Batman and is picking off these guys one by one from gargoyle vantage points.

The soldiers continue to search the base without much going on. This would probably far more interesting from Chrysalis point of view. This is just a personal thing for me, but I’d rather see the point of view of the underdog rather than the massive force. Again, this could be just to get to know our character, the Colonel. Okay, he has a name and it’s Autumn. I just saying it now.

However, to the group of soldiers, this is more unsettling to them sense they don’t know what Chrysalis is capable of. This would be more interesting for the reader if we didn’t either. At least from my view point.

Autumn hears something nearby and goes to investigate.

He opens up a closet and sees an unconscious Dr. Anderson. Autumn is confused since he just talked to Dr. Anderson a few moments ago. He figures out that the Dr. Anderson he was talking to was actually Chrysalis and rushes off to find her.

Autumn tries to communicate with the base, but Chrysalis was already one step ahead of him by knocking out the intercoms. I would question how she was able to do this since she’s never been with this kind of technology and had no way of knowing where to access any of the systems for the intercoms, just an intercom or two.

However, she does manage to trick him into giving her information on how to escape and Autumn figures that’s what she would try.

They get to the loading docks and try to find Chrysalis, but she’s already taken off in one of their ships.

However, after a chase scene, they manage to knock down the ship and capture Chrysalis.

The story then changes points of view to Chrysalis, but I’m willing to give it a pass, despite their being no indication of the point of view change, since it lasts for more than a paragraph.

We cut to the Colonel who is resting after the near escape of Chrysalis.

The president calls him over the intercom and wants to talk to him about the water purifier. He explains that a group of mutants appeared near the water purifier and that they are making moves to obtain it. Autumn thinks that it’s best to cut their losses, but the president thinks it worth the risk sending men to establish a parameter.

The president eventually convinces Autumn that it’s worth at least an investigation and orders him and a scientist to scout the place.

I kind of question the motive here. I know the president ordered him to do this, but it seems like an unnecessary risk to Autumn and the scientist he’s bringing along. Maybe if there was a desperation factor into this, it would make a little more sense why he would go along with something that he himself said was dangerous.

We cut to Autumn and a small team flying over the land to where they think the water purifier might be.

More than a few raider bands in the DC area had access to missile launchers and other military hardware that they’d plundered from Army forts and outposts. The idiot savages would shoot at anything that wasn’t one of them, and so it was dangerous to fly too close to ruins and settlements during the day.

See, I have every right to insult ‘The Road To’. He insulted me!

One of the soldiers asks how the interrogation with Chrysalis is coming along, but he replies that things are not going well. He says that they’ve tried everything that they can think of, outside of torture, but she has refused to talk.

Their talk is interrupted when the groups of super mutants decide to make a drastic move and head for the purifier. However, the president controls one of the eyebots they have out in the field and uses it to distract the mutants.

This doesn’t really feel like something a president should be doing. Doesn’t he have people for that?

The group realizes they are on a tight schedule and need to pull of their investigation quickly.

They get inside the facility and look for the scientist they are supposed to locate. However, they find that the base is all clear.

They do however find the water purifier, but it’s larger than they had previously thought. They go down further to try and find the scientist. Before they can search for long the super mutants start to make their move and start heading for the facility.

Question, why are they called ‘super mutants’? Was the standard mutant just not cool enough? Or maybe ‘The Road To’ is just not a fan of the X-Men.

They try to sneak past the mutants, but they end up spotting them and a fight breaks out.

“Yaaah!” screamed a super mutant, drawing Autumn’s attention back to the ramp.

Pfft… Maybe this thing is Wolverine after all.

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It fits so well, doesn’t it?

“Fall back!” Fairlight kicked the carcass off himself and hurried to his feet.

No, you idiot. Fallout! I can’t believe I have to correct you on your own title.

Anyway, the fight is quickly going badly for our heroes and they realize they need a way out. They figure out a plan to bottle neck the mutants down a tactical position and use it to stall until their ship can extract them.

You know if this had been an army of Diamond Dogs, you guys would have been royally screwed.

The ship manages to extract them and they fly back to base. Before they make it far, one of the ‘Gigantic Super Mutants’, yes they are in this fic too, manage to grab one of their ships and holds it down. One of the officers grabs a rifle and manages to snipe the bastard.

During their flight back and to make a really long explanation short, one of the scientists explains that the water purifier can be useful to them, but they need to clear out the mutants before they can make any use of it. He also explains that it might be easier for the Brotherhood of Steel to deal with the mutants and then deal with them later.

They arrive back at the base and Autumn decides to take another crack at Chrysalis. Oh, yeah, she’s still in this fic, isn’t she?

Dr. Anderson appears at her cell to give Chrysalis her food. However, Chrysalis proves to be unresponsive.

Chrysalis looked down at what had been offered to her—some fruit common to most Equestrian climates, a kind of soup she’d never seen outside the Gryphon Kingdom, barely-edible miniature cakes and other junk food that looked to have been sitting around for ages—and wondered how Raven Rock’s food stores could be so high in variety yet low in quality.

So, the food a prisoner gets after murdering a few of their people is a feast? This is especially baffling since this is supposed to be an apocalyptic world. Granted, they might be trying to bribe her with food, but I just don’t see anyone lining up to give away food that they could be using.

Especially, if it is nuclear war that trashed the planet.

And the story keeps shifting between Dr. Anderson and Queen Chrysalis. Even in the same paragraph. Yes, there is no ruling that says you cannot do this. It’s just a personal pet peeve. And here’s why. The point of views in this style of narrative tends to be cluttered and with it constantly switching, it can be sometimes difficult to tell who we are seeing the story through.

Now, some styles have shown that switching back and forth can prove pretty damn effective, but I don’t feel this is one of them. It feels almost sloppy, like the story didn’t have a complete feel on who he was looking through the eyes of.

Again, the way the story presents it is not technically wrong, but it just bothers me.

Chrysalis uses her horn to bring up an apple to her face and the soldiers panic. Without a word, she convinces them that she’s just trying to eat.

I can just imagine Chrysalis as the guards look away.

After all, she didn’t exactly have hands, so how else was she expected to manipulate the contents of the tray?

… The same way Earth ponies do? … Unless, Queen Chrysalis is a racist?! I knew it! I knew I hated Changelings for some reason!

As you can imagine, the interrogation of Queen Chrysalis isn’t going so well for our … heroes? I guess… And one of the scientist suggests that they put her in a situation where they can observe her behavior and make judgements from there.

Not a bad idea, mind you, but my first instinct would have been to cut her open. Why not? It’s not like it’s just me being bitter about her being racist against Earth Ponies…

Well, it’s not!

Autumn shrugged. It couldn’t make things any worse.

Unless Chrysalis were to escape again or get the upper hoof. So yes, it could make things worse.

We then cut back to Chrysalis who is still sitting in her cell, been a few chapters since we’ve been in her head for more than a paragraph.

Nowhere in there did it make any sense how she and the whole changeling horde had wound up in that steel-walled dungeon. Not the current one, but the other one, with the sterile walls not covered in grime and the little green men she couldn't understand and the ventilation system that didn't constantly sound like it was about to sputter and die.

What steel-walled dungeon? When was that?

She also couldn’t work out who her current captors truly were, or what they were hoping to accomplish.

Um… wait, I think you missed something? Can we talk about this steel-walled dungeon you were in before?

If they were looking for a ransom, then they already knew who she was and had no cause to interrogate her further.

Wait, I’m a little curious about this steel-walled dungeon?

If they were hoping to turn her, to make her a weapon against Celestia, then they need only ask

Fuck it…

So, Chrysalis tries to think of a plan and basically tells us what we already know. That the guards play their good cop/bad cop routine that gets them nowhere and that she’s just waiting for an opening. You know, Chrysalis, this might be a bad time to worry about your Changelings who have been without a leader for so long and are probably off like chickens in the rain, staring blankly at the sky with their mouths open.

But, SHOULDN’T YOU BE WORRING ABOUT YOUR SUBJECTS?!

Even a throwaway line that says she was at least thinking about how they were fairing? No? Fine…

The next day a group of soldiers come and take Chrysalis out of her cell, tying her so she can’t escape.

The room rotated further as she was turned onto her back, and four pairs of armored gloves each grabbed a corner of her torso and heaved.

I can just see some brony reading this and jerking off to that line.

So, they drag her through the facility allowing her to get a better view of where she is, the layout of the base and any security features they might have in place that might prevent her from escaping.

Um… wait, what?

They didn’t blindfold her?! Why would you not blindfold her?! Yeah, she’s seen the base as she was trying to escape, but do really want her to know more of it by randomly moving her about?!

They get her to a room where it’s … another cell? … Not seeing how this is really any different then what they’ve been doing. However, because this is Contrivance Land, a force field activates and gets a reaction from Chrysalis.

She starts to think about how she invaded Canterlot.

Someone had tipped Celestia off to the changeling threat; she’d initially planned to use the Princess Cadance cover to assassinate Celestia, and Luna if it was possible, and then call for an invasion once the nation’s most powerful defender was out of the picture.

Is that why you let Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia live when you had them in your clutches?

Oh, wait, younger audience show… Never mind.

A scientist appears on the other side of the force field and starts to talk to Chrysalis.

“My name is Clayton Forrester,” he introduced,

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“and unlike dear Dr. Anderson, I am not incompetent.”

That’s not what she said.

Clayton attempts to get Chrysalis to talk, but it doesn’t seem to get anything. Chrysalis attempts to use her magic to get out of the situation, but the force field somehow disrupts the flow of magic and makes her horn useless.

Chrysalis's strength was draining fast—Anderson’s generous food offerings had kept her physical strength up, but it’d been so long since she’d last fed on emotions that she didn’t have the energy to sustain the spell for long.

Wait, wait, wait… Fed on emotions? You haven’t fed on emotions? What the hell counts as an emotion?! Look, I know that in the episode ‘Canterlot Wedding’, the changelings feed off love. I get that. But here, it just says emotions. Is a man beating you violently in anger or having the guards panic in fear not emotions?

Last I checked, those were emotions! Unless the story means positive emotions, but again, it just says emotions.

The group agrees to starve her until she cooperates and Chrysalis realizes that she doesn’t have much time to think of a plan to escape.

And because, again, Contrivance Land and because we haven’t had an action scene in this chapter, here’s an action scene! The dumbass Clayton shuts down the force field and gives Chrysalis a chance to take Autumn’s gun from him. However, Autumn’s reflexes are fast enough to keep fighting Chrysalis.

I’m starting to think they want Chrysalis to escape at this point. The only thing they haven’t done yet, is open her cage door and say ‘Run, Chrysalis, run like the wind!’

Oh, and what was that line about incompetent, Clayton? Maybe we were talking about your ability to come?

Anyway, after a brief fight, they manage to get Chrysalis back into her cell, spilling her dinner on her face during the battle.

Her captors had served her chicken soup, another meat-based dish inconsistent with her rapidly-deteriorating theories about Princess Celestia organizing the whole thing.

You know, horses can eat meat! It’s not entirely unheard of! It’s just another way to get protein into their body. Hell, I know a girl who occasionally gives her horse Beef N’ Cheddars from Arby’s. Now, granted, based on the research I’ve done, it does say that a diet of meat is probably not good for it, but every so often is okay.

Plus, the only reason they say it might not be good for the horse is because they might grow accustomed to said diet. I’m pretty sure the ponies of Equestria are advanced enough psychologically to know the difference.

Sorry, another pet peeve of mine.

As she licked the soup from the floor, she couldn’t help but smile. Even in defeat and humiliation, she’d gone down swinging, and nearly turned the tables even after playing right into their hands.

Yes, you licking your dinner off the floor like a dog is not humiliating at the least. Really dignified.

Maybe she hadn’t killed everyone and escaped the base, but she’d put a hole in Autumn’s coat that hadn’t been there an hour ago, and that was cause for some celebration in itself.

It’s the little things, I guess?

Forrester was right when he said he wasn’t like Anderson

Yes, he’s the only one stupid enough to let down a force field against a dangerous target with only one soldier as backup.

Chrysalis decides that if she is going to make her escape she would need to do it now or she fears she would be too weak to do so later.

However, she decides to get some rest in the hopes that her leg, which had been shot during the battle, to heal a bit.

When Chrysalis wakes up she figures that the best thing for her to do is to make it through the air vent, which is on her side of the room and NOT behind the force field, but what you going to do?

She decides, however, that she’s far too large to fit through the air vent, but her shapeshifting into a smaller woman would fix that problem. However, she realizes that in her weakened state, her shapeshifting abilities would only last for so long and it is unlikely she would be able to conjure another one.

She manages to get to the air vent and pry the thing open. All with no security or guards to watch her. Or maybe there is a guard who monitors the monitors and they are spending all their time sleeping…

To make a really long escape scene short, Chrysalis works her way through the base until she comes upon a security camera room. It turns out that the worker is purposely sabotaging the cameras, so that a conversation between Clayton and the soldier who keeps beating the shit out of Chrysalis can have a private talk off record.

Chrysalis manages to listen in and overhears that not only do they want to use her as a weapon, but overhears of them throwing a coup.

However, Clayton refuses to go along with it when his friend, Autumn, might be caught in the crossfire.

“In the interest of minimizing drama, I won’t tell anyone about your plans, but I highly advise you to abandon them immediately.

Not to question your intelligence, but this guy is threatening the security of your base! You might want to warn somebody with authority!

Canterlot politics were never this interesting, and Chrysalis was almost sad to have to leave.

Well, according to Mare of Steel, all the ponies worry about there is the possible zombie apocalypse that may or may never happen.

How the fuck do you keep getting in my house?! You better not have left a mess in the backyard!

Worst… pet… ever…

Chrysalis, after gathering all the information she wanted, sneaks out of the room and continues her escape. She finds a program at one of the doorways.

Sector 3A Security Terminal Operations:

>  Cell Door Control

>  Remote Monitoring Station Functions

>  Security Logs

>  September ’77 Duty Roster

>  UOS Local Settings

>  _main

The others seemed mostly useless, too, except the one at the bottom. Vague wording? An underscore? Inconsistent capitalization?

… Is… Is she reviewing? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve used those points when I’ve reviewed some of the worst fics out there. Oh, god! A review of a story inside a review of a story! What level of inception have I finally hit?!

Changelings lacked experience with technology of this sort, but deception was all about detecting patterns, and that last entry stood out a mile.

And yet you still managed to knock out all their communications the first time you tried to escape. Funny how consistency works.

She continues to dick around with the techno-babble, instead of … you know… saving the changeling empire. Maybe I wasn’t far off when she wanted those changelings to shut up.

I kid of course, Chrysalis is able to hack into the system, a high security system that somehow my refrigerator door has more security to, and is able to get a 3-d image of the base. The movie was better in 2-d.

She then discovers that she can start the shutdown process of the base that will leave them powerless for hours and won’t be noticeable due to the long shutdown process. Wow, this terminal just has all kinds of powers, doesn’t it? If the terminal was a living entity, I would almost call it Mary Sue.

She finds a gun and keeps it in case things get ugly for her. She starts the shutdown process and begins to make her escape.

And then… um… and then uh…

Yeah… this fic is incomplete.

So, I don’t know what happens next. And frankly, I don’t like that fact. See, this is why I don’t like reviewing incomplete stories. I don’t want to have to wait to see if my rage is valid or not. Granted, this can give an author a chance to see what isn’t explained and give them an excuse to write in those things, but those are what a proofreader should be exploring.

But regardless, this is what I read and so, I shall review it.

I’m not sure how to feel about this fic. On the one hand, when we are seeing the story through Chrysalis’s point of view, it’s actually rather fascinating. Mind you, this could be because I’m not entirely familiar with the Fallout series or its characters, but based on how some of the more idiotic decisions they’ve made, I can’t really side with them.

When Chrysalis is on the screen, there is definitely more charm to her. The other characters feel stiff and almost lifeless. I guess it makes sense that they live in a world where life is difficult and troublesome, but I’ve read Fallout fan fiction staring pony characters and they didn’t feel this lifeless or angry and bitter.

Particularly, Interloper’s Fallout Equestria: Rising Dawn. While I don’t like the length of its chapters, I did enjoy a number of the characters, since they had more personality besides bitter and angry.

These characters are pretty much just soldier stereotypes. I can imagine that plans were made to give them more of a personality, but I just didn’t feel like they were all that charming or appealing.

Like I said, Chrysalis was the only character I felt had a charming personality. A tactical, almost warrior like pony, up against overwhelming odds. It was rather interesting to get inside her head.

However, there are things that bothered me about Chrysalis. The feeding off emotions things could have been worded differently so that it fed off positive emotions, rather than anger and the like. The way it is worded makes it sound as if ‘anger and fear’ don’t count. This may be me reading WAY too deeply into this, but it’s a problem I feel needs to be addressed.

And while I don’t personally consider a ‘hive-mind’ for the changelings to be my personal head canon, I do like the idea. Unfortunately, the idea is all that really ever comes from it. Half the scenes with Chrysalis I was expecting her to comment on the fact that she can no longer hear her people and their cries for help.

Hell, I think it would have been more effective if she could have heard them, just small distinct whispers.

It would certainly give Chrysalis a more desperate motive to get free as quickly as possible.

Maybe there would have been more to it as the story progressed, like all the changelings are dead or something and that’s why she can’t hear them or she’s in another world or something like that. But if a cool idea like this is going to be introduced, I would have liked to have seen it explored more.

The action scenes come too often for me. I feel like every chapter has one, with the exception of the last chapter, and it could have been spent on furthering the characters a bit and fleshing them out. They aren’t bad characters, just not fleshed out. Part of that could be the story not being finished, but I still feel a little cheated.

But I’ve harped on the bad qualities of it. What does this story do right? It is really good at creating an atmosphere with it’s very through descriptions of places and situations. It’s clear a lot of thought went into the character of Chrysalis, since she seems to be where the fic springs to life. I’m not sure if this is the author enjoying the character or just the idea of a character being in this situation, but you can definitely tell this was more fun for the author and thus is more fun for the reader.

The style of writing is very well done, with the exception of switching heads in every once in a while. Again, there is technically no rule against it. It’s ultimately a personal preference and some people might not be bothered by it.

Again, I can’t really go into details about what I liked and disliked about it since I didn’t finish it and can’t finish it without the story actually being written.

But the ultimate question I should be asking myself is… Did I find this fic fun? … Hm…

Yes… a little… As I said, between Chrysalis and the writing style there is enough to be enjoyed and it is good. But there are little things that bothered me. Maybe it’s ultimately because I’m unfamiliar with the Fallout series and someone with those qualities would be more inclined to enjoy it. And while I think it might have eventually explained several things out that I didn’t understand, it still did attempt to teach non-Fallout readers about some of the lore.

So, overall, a rocky but enjoyable read. If the story ever does get finished, I would rather like to come back to it. I won’t give it a rating today, because either way I don’t see it as fair to the story.

And... Wait a minute... I never did a 'Road to' joke... Um... Uh... Here...

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Good enough...

So, that’s the review this week. I hope you enjoyed it and…

Sir, the armor you ordered has just arrived.

Ooooooh, yeeeees! You know what to do Computer.

Loading project… Avengers Assemble.

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NEXT WEEK!

IOWAFOREVER AND THE CRITIQUE!

REVIEW!

MY LITTLE AVENGERS BY KOOLERKID!

My Little Avengers featuring Iowaforever

The Critique began to put together his metallic outfit. It was only a matter of seconds since Computer put out the call for the other heroes. Soon, they would be assembled to create the greatest team of reviewers the world had ever seen. The mechanical arms of Computer placed each piece of green and purple armor expertly together against his body. The armor secured itself to his body.

His body began to tremble as a cheerful grin appeared on his face. He lifted his hooves. The gauntlets were slid onto him. As they locked into place, a long purple plate emerge from the gauntlet, connecting it to the torso piece. It allowed him more maneuverability.

The same with his hind legs. Finally, a helmet was placed on his head. With a slight click, the rest of the headgear slammed into place.

The Critique placed his hooves over where his ears would be. “God damnit!” The metallic click still ringing in his ears. “Jesus, that’s loud!”

”’Oh, do not worry about that, Computer. I am sure it will work itself out.’” Computer attempted to imitate the Critique’s voice. While it was far from good, the point had been made.

The Critique recalled the conversation about Computer warning him about sound protection from the helmet, but he choose that it was far from important. All that mattered was looking good in his new suit.

He ripped the helmet from his head and tossed it to the ground. “Shut up!” He moved over to his usual spot on the ground. “So, where the hell is everypony?”

They should be arriving any minute, sir.

***

Hello all, and welcome to Fanfic Masochism.

I know I’ve been a bit idle, but I’ll make up for it in due time... maybe... someday... Eh.

Anyway, I’ve said in previous reviews, writing superhero stories is hard, as is writing crossovers. For one, you need to make sure that your hero’s powers and vulnerabilities make sense, the villain is threatening, and their love interest isn’t some needy jerk. For the other, you need to make sure the universe meshes well, that each character’s powers and abilities don’t always eclipse the others, and that everyone maintains their base personality.

Of course, those stories were shit, because their characters were flat and Queen Annalese Black Hole warped everyone’s personality beyond recognition.

So today, I’m going after a “double threat” as it were; a superhero crossover, like “Queen Annalese” but better. Today’s review is My Little Avengers by koolerkid.

Now, I have some fond memories of this story; it was one of the first fanfics I ever read, and it inspired some of my own superhero stories once I got to writing. But does it still hold up through all the nostalgia filters? Well, let’s find out-

A mysterious note appears nearby.

... Well, that’s odd. No one ever sends me notes during reviews. (opens note) “To whom it may concern. In light of the deluge of bad fanfics, I am assembling a team of the greatest reviewers to show that, once and for all, the internet will not stand against such mediocrity and sloppy writing.”

... Huh, a man out of my own heart.

“So if you think you have what it takes to join our team, please visit the following address and we’ll explain everything.”... Okay, that’s a bit vague, but hey, it sounds like fun.

Maybe they can see this review I got here.

***

The Critique sat at his usual spot on the ground, grumbling under his breath. “Where the hell is everypony?! I thought they’d be here by now.”

Suddenly, the front door opened to reveal... a green, cube shaped, mustachioed cat dressed in a black cape, monocle and hat.

The Critique’s eyes widened as a large frown appeared across his face. “What the hell is that?!”

“Well, it just felt like one of those days when cats were needed,” the cat said. “You can call me Watson. I heard there was a need for reviewers?”

Oh, my god! It is Iowaforever! Mr. Watson, I am such a huge, huge fan of your work!

“Really? Well, thank you.” the cat adjusted his cape before continuing. “I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus, but it’s nice to hear I’ve got fans. Any review in particular you liked?”

Oh, all of them sir. Your review on Queen Annalese was most spectacular! You are one of the most witty reviewers I know.

“Witty reviewer… pfft. You never say I’m a witty reviewer.”

“Who’s the killjoy over there?”

“Killjoy?! This coming from the plush toy! I am the Critique, the greatest fan fiction critic of all time.”

“Oh right, you.” there was a long pause. “... You swear a lot, right?”

“Like a boss.” The Critique smiled with pride. “So, furface, let’s get this review rolling, shall we? Not that you’ll be much help.”

“Well, there’s no need to be racist about it.” the cat said with a huff. “And you’d be surprised as to what kind of help I can give... and I mean that in the least dirty way possible. Some of us have to have standards, after all.”

“I have plenty of standards! And racist?! Pfft, I’ve never been racist my whole life!”


“Yeah, and I’m the God Emperor of Mankind,” the cat’s eyes narrowed. “No wonder nobody likes you.”

“Shut your fucking face!”

“Anyway, let’s get the review done, and then we can trade some insults, ‘kay?”

Sigh. “Fine. But I was totally winning.”

“Believe me when I say I’ve only begun to fight.”

“Sure... Welcome everypony, I am the Critique. And this is… the other guy… and welcome to the review of… What are we reviewing?

“Koolerkid’s My Little Avengers. I explained it to them on my way over.”

“Sure it wasn’t as good as I could do it, but let’s not waste anymore time.”

“Spoilers ahead, everyone.”

We start our story off with Big MacIntosh waking up at the farm house.

Celestia’s sun was just breaching the horizon as Macintosh Apple, more commonly known as Big Macintosh or Big Mac, current head of the Apple Family and owner of Sweet Apple Acres, awoke from a peaceful night’s sleep.

Meh… Just a fancy way of saying “The sun was bright over Ponyville.” … But it is a break from the monotony, so I’ll let it slide. … This time.

Big Macintosh went about his morning routine, as he did every morning.

As opposed to the times he did his routine in the afternoon.

He brushed his teeth quickly and efficiently, his hooves gripping the toothbrush with a surety born of long practice.

Oh, a great load off my mind to be sure. I was afraid that our biggest concern in this story would be the spread of gingivitis.

Hey now, gum disease is a big problem in many species...

In a superhero story?

What, never heard of PlaqueMan?

Please tell me you’re making that up.

It’s a big world; someone must have thought of it. I mean, Lactose Man is a thing, after all...

… Computer, I need a bigger gun.

He reentered his room and gave the mane of his Smarty Pants doll a quick brushing - a relatively new addition to his routine.

Why do I see this scene being really creepy?

... I’m a stuffed cat, so I won’t answer that question. But anyway, after brushing Smarty Pants, he spies his calendar...

Calendar Girl confirmed for MCU Phase 3!

His calendar had a great many marks upon it in red ink, marking days of importance to the running of the farm. The end of Applebuck Season was always busy; this month of the calendar was practically covered in ink. But today’s date, right near the very bottom of the calendar, was different, because instead of the usual detailed note, it was bare but for the words “The Day” written upon it and circled.

The day?! The day?! Oh, the day is finally here! I can’t believe it!

It’s his apprenticeship day! Oh boy!

So he goes on about ‘the day’ and how he always loses track of it thanks to Apple Buck season. Apparently, it’s so important that Applejack once threatened him because he nearly ruined it.

Hey, don’t knock apprenticeship days. StarPaw found out about that the hard way.

I loved that review.

… I … never read it...

It had magical Christian cats who were closet lesbians. It’d probably go over your head.

Hey, nothing goes over my head! My reflexes are too quick!

As a cat, I find that laughable. Getting back to the review, it’s finally revealed that “the day” is actually Big Mac’s birthday... after a really long stretch about speculation and pancakes.

Was it really necessary to draw that out as much as it did? I know it drives interest, but the payoff was kind of weak.

Speaking of things paying off, Big Mac decides to go on a little trip to the mountains for a hike.

“Th’ mountains?” Applejack looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Ah dunno, Mac. It can get mighty dangerous up there... The girl’s and Ah saw a hydra up there once. Well, ran from a hydra. Same thing. Not ta mention there used to be a dragon up there; who knows what coulda moved in after it left.”

Damn those squatters! Living in our caves and driving down our property values! We should just kill all of them and feast on their corpses!

… And they say I’m dark…

But Big Mac says he’ll be fine and Applejack shouldn’t worry about him. Instead she should worry more about Apple Bloom, who has just slipped and splattered pancakes all over the floor.

Several universes away, Mykan is crying because his beloved pancakes have been slain... Go ‘Bloom!

Hey, stop stealing my jokes! You… stuffed… Joke stealer!

And yet that’s still a better punchline than Skye Dumbass Avatar baking Sokka’s Seal Jerky...

… Okay, point you.

:3

As Big Mac travels up the mountain he begins to admire the scenery. And while it’s not quite as descriptive as I would like, I personally think it does a decent job of giving us a little bit of the view-

Bored now! Big Mac gets attacked by an Ursa Minor.

They call me the killjoy...

Big Mac retreats from the Ursa with the great grammar and spelling that is…

BIg Macintosh was a pony of incredible strength and stalwart courage, but when faced with this immense beast, the only recourse was to do something he was very much unaccustomed to: turn tail and run.

BIg Macintosh

BIg

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Well... that’s unfortunate. Next time ya might want to check your grammar a bit.

But hey, you want to see something worse?

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Nope!

“I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!”

OH, GOD! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Heh heh heh…

So, after Big MacIntosh makes his escape, he finds himself in a dark cave.

He’s attacked by Darth Vader. Actually, after trying and failing to wait out the Ursa he goes deeper and finds a stick (hopefully not the one that Jayfeather dated before meeting StarKit’s mother) sitting on a pedestal.

As he looks around for an escape route, he discovers the exit being blocked. Desperate, he uses the seeming worthless stick to help him out. However, when he strikes with the staff, something wondrous happens.

Water pours out of the rock. Moses confirmed for MCU Phase 3!

Will you stop doing that?!


Nope.

Actually, this is based of the Silver Age Thor’s secret identity. Mjolnir takes the form of a stick when not in use, but when danger’s about John Blake just has to tap it on the ground and *Poof!* Instant Thunder God. I applaud koolerkid for using a more obscure origin for our hero.

It’s definitely a quick and clever nod to a simpler time in comic history. Unlike recent comic book history.

And Superhero fanfics as well. Looking at you, Jupiter Williams!

Miles away, in Ponyville, one pony was in the library, busily studying “A History of Sexuality in the Griffin Tribes”. Twilight found the subject endlessly engrossing, and rather enlightening.

Wow Twilight, I know you were into some weird stuff, but that’s just plain bizarre... although does this confirm Gilded Sparkles?

Hey, if you think that’s weird, you should be reading Gainbow Dash.

Please, my mind has taken enough abuse from the likes of Tara Gillespie.

I’d trade you for Prince Martin Willis anyday of the week.

At least he didn’t have an evil voice in his head and yet told NO ONE, NOT EVEN THE GODDAMN AVATAR about his problem... I think we’re getting sidetracked.

Fine… So, all around Equestria, they start to notice something going on. Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense starts tingling, Celestia begins to get worried, even other deities feel the arrival of the new Thunder God.

And the Ursa certainly feels it when Thor comes out and smashes him upside the head with Mjolnir.

With the Ursa defeated, Thor starts to think about who he was. However, there is one slight problem. He can’t remember who he was.

Oh dear, an amnesiac hero. This can go bad in so many ways.

Finally, in his own voice, he spoke the only words that he felt could accurately convey his feelings.

“What the hay?”

“Since when did I get turned into a Mary Sue? I thought that was only for February!”

Flying! Flying was fun!

Sure, rub it in, asshole.

And why does he go so quickly from “What the hell” to “OMG I CAN FLY!!!1!111”?

Yeah, wouldn’t he take a little more time figuring all this stuff out?

Jupiter Williams didn’t. Dear author, please don’t make Thor like Jupiter Williams.

He didn’t want to be an Alicorn forever. What if ponies started worshipping him, like the Princesses? Oh no, what if the Princess found out and got angry that another pony was pretending to be an Alicorn?

Oh no! Not being worshiped like some great being who totally deserved it! That would be the worst thing that can possibly come from me gaining superpowers!

Um... he’s got a point, though.

Oh, please, they make princesses by the dozen in Equestria.

But Big Mac’s pretty much just a farm boy. All he really seems focused on is taking care of Sweet Apple Acres and making sure his sisters don’t get into too much trouble. All the sudden he gets superpowers and then people will start asking him to do crazier things like battle dragons and stop meteors. Sure, that would help his continued survival as a non-super, but can you imagine all the stress he’d be going through with all that weight on his shoulders?

… *puts his hoof on his chin*... Nope.

Thought not.

Anyway, Big Mac gets worried about his transformation and tries to figure out how to change back into his normal self.

Just pour some water on his head. It worked for Captain Underpants.

Aha! Big Mac uncovered a memory of tapping the hammer against the ground to take on a mortal form. That was how the staff had begun the change in the first place, wasn’t it? So just repeat the process; that made sense.

... Or you could do that.

After flying around some more, Big Mac heads back to Sugar Cube Corner for Pinkie’s party for him.

“EEEEEEEE YOU’RE HERE!” She squealed excitedly. “We were all super-duper worried that you weren’t coming or that you got lost or hurt or eaten or fell into an inter-dimensional wormhole or something while you were out on your hike but now you’re here so you must be fine!” Pinkie was bouncing excitedly the whole time she was talking, but when she finished she suddenly stopped and looked at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to say something.

Nah, I just found an old staff that transforms me into a god that can shoot lightning and create tornados. Nothing big.

So Pinkie is Pinkie and everyone else is happy that Big Mac is back.

“Big Mac!” Came a familiar yell, and the farmpony barely had time to brace himself before Applebloom tackled him, hugging him tight. “We were so worried!” Then she blinked, as if realizing what she said, and let go. “Ah mean, Applejack was worried. Ah wasn’t worried at all.”

Your Toph impersonation needs some work, Applebloom. Either that, or you’re an asshole, take your pick.

I pick the latter.

“Have a cupcake! I made them special for you; they’re super-special BIG MAC BIRTHDAY MUFFINS!”

Just so everyone is aware, CUPCAKES AND MUFFINS ARE NOT THE SAME THING!

As Derpy says…

So the party goes on, and everyone has a good time. Save Pinkie, who senses something’s wrong...

She looked at Big Macintosh, strangely. Itchy Right Ear meant somepony was lying... but why would Big Mac lie?

Everyone lies, Pinkie. I mean, didn’t we already go over this in Season 1?

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I’ll be good...

Also, I don’t remember that being part of the canon.

Big Mac was walking back to Sweet Apple Acres alone, tired but happy. His sisters had remained behind to help clean up, but Applejack had insisted her go home and rest after his long hike and afternoon of partying.

Wait… Applejack insisted on her going home after his hike? Wait… Is this some inception level stuff where it turns out that Applejack and Big Mac… are the same pony?!

Or maybe it’s a Hilarious in Hindsight moment because Thor’s a woman now.

Or maybe it’s a typo… But… no. That would just be stupid.

Obviously.

So Big Mac goes home to play with his magic stick some more.

Pfft… Sorry, it was funny.

But Pinkie breaks in and eats his pancakes before stealing the magic stick. Because Pinkie is a bitch like that.

Now, to be fair she did say she was hungry, and wouldn’t the neighborly thing to do be to steal food from a friend? Get used to that she does that a lot in this story.

... Well, friends are the reason you have no food... so... Alright, but she still loses points for stealing Big Mac’s stick.

Pfft… I’m sorry. I’ll be more mature…

“So talk.” He said finally. “What was so important that you had to steal from me?”

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So, Pinkie confesses her love...I mean, the knowledge that she felt something very powerful within Big Mac. Big Mac admits the stick is more than it seems and that it turns him into an alicorn.

And if you push the right buttons, it extends!

Oh, another dick innuendo.

Hey, you started it by laughing at my other comments.

You make it so easy, though.

Not my fault that summing up what happens sounds dirty. Wait until we get to Blueblood as Iron Pony... oops, spoilers.

Anyway, Pinkie asks him to transform.

Hey, that’s not right! Applebloom’s the Transformer, not Big Mac!

And they call me one to jump to conclusions.

“Really?” Pinkie asked, looking excited. “That’s perfect! That’ll make this sooooo much easier to explain! Here!” She kicked the staff over to him. “Transform! Transform! Henshin!”

Henshin? What the hell is that?

It’s Japanese for ‘transform’.

… What the fuck is it doing in this story?!

Damned if I know, but then again some badfics like to throw in Japanese words to make themselves sound cooler.

I knew the Japanese were corrupting the minds of our youth, but… I had no idea.

Of course. But anyway, Big Mac transforms into Thor and after noting that he’s now speaking in Ye Olde Butchered Equestrianne the hammer proceeds to Mind Rape him... actually, all his memories as Thor come back and we learn there was a big war in the past, Ragnarok and all that fancy stuff.

It turns out he can’t remember anything because of a villain named Loki. Name sounds familiar… Takes away his history and erased his memory.

But that’s okay, because we have Pinkie here to do the only thing she’s useful for in the story: provide exposition!

Yeah, that’s one thing that’s always bothered me in this story. Pinkie’s always the know all character, but when it all comes down to it, has a very minor role in the story. Why can’t she have superpowers?!

Logic: Because then the story would be a bit cluttered?

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

… Looks like we finally agree on something.

Indeed.

Anyway, long ago there was a place called Asgard, where Odin was king. He had a son named Thor who was a bit of a hothead and another son named Loki who was a bit of an asshole. Loki decided to go full asshole and instigated a war that resulted in Asgard’s destruction. The resulting surge of power created what is now known as Equestria, and gave all the ponies some access to magic.

And how does Pinkie Pie know all this?

:pinkiehappy: Well, I was not actually there, but I heard that somebody played a card game… And then BOOM… End of the world… It totally happened. …Just like I said. Just card game BOOM… everyone dead.

... Works for me.

Pinkie explains that she actually knows all this because Loki is actually … in her words…

Wellllll... technically, he’s my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa.”

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Does this mean he married Yzma?

Actually, I’d read that fic… It’s probably make more sense than her having memories she shouldn’t have.

But Big Mac isn’t so enthused about being Thor.

“No!” Big Mac shouted, swinging the hammer into the ground, transforming back into his Earth Pony form. The wooden stick, Mjolnir’s disguise, clattered to the ground. “Ah can’t deal with this. S’all... s’all too much. I’m just a farmpony, Pinkie. Ah’m not an Alicorn, and Ah’m def’natly no god!”

Give it a few days. You might like it. Worst case scenario, you’ll go crazy like Critique here.

Yeah… … … … Hey!

So, Pinkie explains that Loki wants access to Big Mac’s stick… Pfft…

Oh, so now we’re bringing incest in to this? And you say I’m the immature one…

Technically, it’s not incest. He’s adopted.

And that’s supposed to make it better? He’s still some part of the family, blood related or not.

Hey, if that can be used for bad fanfiction writers, why can’t I use it?!

Because I thought you were better than that, but then again I’ve had my expectations violated enough times already.

After Pinkie explains everything, Big Mac just kind of accepts the fact that he’s Thor and he’s going to have to fight Loki someday.

... Well, that was quick. Not even Aang had a turn around like that.

Though if he did, that would make for a much shorter movie.

Our next chapter sees Trixie wandering through Everfree. Should have stayed on the rock farm.

The pounding, rhythmic thud of magic thudded almost painfully in her head, as it had ever since the massive wave of magical energy the day before yesterday.

“Can you hear them, Doctor? Can you hear the drums?”

Trixie makes her way to a clearing where she comes face to face with a big mass of magical energy. The magic mass greets her as she appears and Trixie explains her blight.

“I... Trixie was humiliated. That two-bit, small-town bumpkin mage Twilight Sparkle embarrassed Trixie in front of all of Ponyville! Now nopony will take Trixie seriously anymore;

And yet, you are more popular with the fan base than her. … Why are you upset again?

So Loki introduces himself and says that he needs an apprentice. Meanwhile, Pinkie’s helping Big Mac/Thor relearn his powers, because it’s not like she has a job or anything that she needs to get back to.

And again, why is Pinkie Pie all of the sudden Yoda? Why can’t she have superpowers and fight alongside Thor?

They decide to break for lunch:

Big Mac just smiled and pointed up at the sun directly overhead. “Lunchtime.” He replied simply. “How about you come over fer lunch, Pinkie? Least Ah can do for helpin’ me with all of this.” He stowed Mjolnir in his saddlebag - one of the staff’s more useful features he’d discovered was its’ ability to change it’s size, regardless of it’s current shape. It made carrying it about a great deal easier.

IT’S IS A CONTRACTION, NOT A POSSESSIVE! YOU WOULD NOT USE “IT’S” LIKE THAT!

That’s not the only thing that’s contracting… Pff...

...

...

...

I’m not even going to comment on that.

Anyway, they get to Sugar Cube Corner where Applejack asks them about them spending a lot of time together. Oh, so I wasn’t far off on the romantic feelings tease.

*eye twitch*

You okay?

... Peachy. I’ll let you know when we get to it.

Dandy...

Meanwhile in Cloudsdale, we are introduced to Heavy Weight, one of the Jerkass Bullies from “Sonic Rainboom”. He’s in the process of losing a race against a Super Saiyan.

Don’t feel so bad Dead Weight, I mean, Heavy Weight, Brolly’s the legendary saiyan. I’m just … saiyan…

... Okay, that pun almost made me chuckle. Almost.

“That’s another win for me, Dumb Bell.” Brolley gloated, using Weight’s hated nickname. Just because his Cutie Mark was a dumbbell... “I dunno why you even keep racing; you’re too bulky to fly like a real pegasus.”

Doesn’t stop Bulk Biceps. I mean, it’s in his name, for crying out loud.

To be fair, he’s as good a flier as Fluttershy.

Anyway, Trixie appears after Heavy Weight is finished being humiliated by Brolly and Trixie gives a speech that I think is supposed to understand him, but comes off as kind of a bitch...

“For a unicorn of my talents, a simple cloud-walking spell is but a trivial matter. As for you... I know a great many things about you. How at an early age, you discovered your Cutie Mark for unusual strength in a pegasus. How you used your greater strength in flight school to bully others, to be the top of the pack. How everypony else grew up, and you learned all that muscle is just useless dead weight in a race, making you the slowest flier in your class. How your two favorite victims - Brolly and Rainbow Dash - have reversed the roles of tormenter and tormented.” The mare smiled,

I also know what you masterbate to when nopony is watching. How you pick your nose in public! How you secretly like Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, unironically.

That’s a bit low... but then again, Trixie does admit to all but stalking the guy…

And of course, this doesn’t raise any red flags as Trixie tells him of how he can get even.

But we cut to Pinkie, who’s finished eating more of the Apple family’s food when she gets a twitch that bad things are about to happen. So Mac armors up and goes off to fight the bad guys.

:pinkiegasp: Oh my god! My plot senses are tingling! The plot is over there!

:eeyup: Aren’t you going to help me?

:pinkiesmile: Nope. I’m basically the Navi of this story, so I’ll just stay over here while you fight the bad guys, ‘kay?

We cut to Rainbow Dash, who is being attacked by Heavy Weight. Rainbow Dash tries her best to outrun ‘Dead Weight’, but he manages to outmaneuver her at every turn. Dead Weight catches Rainbow Dash and declares himself the Wrecker.

So, what happened to the rest of the Wrecking Crew?

You know that’s interesting… In the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes TV Show, the Wrecking Crew was the first villains that Thor fought in that cartoon… Could it be that…?

Well, the Wrecking Crew are the punching bags of the Marvel Universe. Want a quick way to show your Special Snowflake is badass? Have them beat up the Wrecking Crew. Hell, they did the same thing in reverse to show that Juggernaut was losing power by having the Wrecking Crew kick the stuffing out of him.

I’m just questioning why there’s only one of them here. I mean, it’s called the Wrecking Crew, as in plural. Besides, Dumb Weight wasn’t the only one of Rainbow’s bullies, so wouldn’t it be more economical in the whole “CRUSH KILL DESTROY” department to get a couple supervillains out smashing stuff?

Yeah, I can’t help but feel this is a missed opportunity on the story’s part. Four villains would definitely give Thor a run for his money and would fit more into the Marvel Mythology.

Speaking of our winged hero, he’s not far away and comes to save the day.

“I SAY THEE NAY!” The air suddenly whooshed from the self-proclaimed Wrecker’s lungs as a sudden impact sent him sprawling. “What kind of coward would attack a defenseless mare, while she lies stricken on the ground no less!”

This is starting to sound like Myakn’s dream world... women are powerless and need men to come save them... Okay, maybe that was a bit of a stretch.

FUCKING DICKS!... OW!

So... saying bad stuff about women makes people hit you in the head with shovels?

It’s a stupid running gag I never should have invented.

... (scribbles down notes for later)

So, our hero finally introduces himself to our villain.

The Alicorn merely glared at him. “I am the God of Thunder, one of the last of the Old Gods. I am the son of the God-King Odin and master of the skies. I am Thor!”

Master of the overly long introductions! I swear Sailor Moon could transform faster than you could talk!

But the Wrecker doesn’t like that, so the two have a massive slugfest in Ponyville. As far as fight scenes go, it isn’t half bad. Sure, it’s mostly Thor tossing Dumbbell around like a ragdoll, but it does what an introductory fight scene should: showcase the character’s power and fighting style.

“You are still a mortal. And I am STILL A GOD!”

...

Darkseid confirmed for MCU Phase 3!

I think we need a Justice League movie first.

Well, Ol’ Stoneface was going to be a Thor villain until Kirby jumped ship and took the New Gods with him.

But that’s okay, because Marvel just copied Darkseid and renamed him Thanos.

See? I was right.

So, after our big battle with the Wrecker, Thor vows to spare him. Pfft… weak.

Thor asks Twilight to remove the enchantment and Twilight says she can, but that the magical energy has to be sent somewhere or it could be harmful.

Is that how magic works? Not a unicorn here, so I wouldn’t know.

This story has a magical stick that turns people into gods. I think it’s safe to say that we should just roll with it for now.

Point taken.

“It... it worked!” Twilight said, grinning happily. “That weird magic sure took a toll on his body, though - I’d say he aged at least a couple of years. Now, maybe you can explain what’s... going... on?” Twilight turned to face the god who’d been there mere moments ago, only to find he’d already vanished.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! Doesn’t even stick around to clean up his messes.

Man of Steel. … Just saying.

Don’t look at me, I didn’t write that. But anyway, Big Mac goes back to the Exposition Fairy and says that he thinks he did too good.

Ah hurt another pony. That ain’t somethin’ to be proud of. It was almost like Ah wasn’t me, like Ah was Thor an’ not Big Mac anymore. Ah wanted to hurt him. Ah don’t think I’d’ve cared much if Ah killed him. Hay, I think Ah was tryin’ to kill him, or at least hurt ‘im real bad. What kinda pony does something like that? What kinda pony wants ta hurt another pony?

...Fair enough, but hey, no one died, right?

Yeah, Mac. Why you gotta be down on yourself like that? You saved the day, you stopped the bad guy, no one died. What do you have to be sad about? Hell, even Superman has moments where he’d like to go over the edge, but that doesn’t make him a bad person. It’s the restraint and the choice that makes the hero, not the temptation. Even Batman has had the problem.

Wow... that was surprisingly inspirational. Kudos.

*Belches loudly* I’m sorry, were you saying something?

Pinkie tells Big Mac that he shouldn’t feel down, because he’s got lots of friends to back him up... right?

Ah... Ah don’t have a lotta friends, Pinkie.

... Then again, Season 2 did say he was shy…

So, Pinkie decides that she will visit as often as she can for Big Mac, promising to be his friend. Technically, isn’t Pinkie Pie friends with him since he lives in Ponyville?

... Now that you mention it, that really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But we can’t have more of Pinkie and Mac’s developing friendship, plot needs to happen!

We cut to Canterlot where Luna and Celestia start to discuss the mysterious appearance of Thor.

“You and I both appeared fully grown from nowhere, sister.” Celestia reminded her. “It’s not implausible that this stallion did the same.”

Yeah, I’m going to stick that in the bullshit pile. Unless… The sky did give birth to them! OH, MY GOD! IT’S SPREADING! AHHHHH!

Um... is it too late to tell you that I did something similar in one of my own fics?

GOD, HELP US ALL! WE’VE ALREADY LOST!

Hey calm down, I had a rational explanation at least.

Apologies, Mr. Watson. He tends to get like this.

Eh, Skye Dumbass Avatar’s been chasing me around all over the place. It happens.

“Proper Etiquette, be a dear and contact the editor of Equestria Daily, would you? I believe his name is Seth. Tell him I wish to put an advertisement in his paper for a formal celebration to be held here in Canterlot, and have him contact me for details.”

‘Scuse me a moment as I whore myself out to Equestria Daily. This’ll get us featured for sure!

The shame… scribbles on a notepad

Chapter 4 ends with Loki going “Just as planned”... we probably don’t need to go into details.

“All shall bow before LOKI THE MAGNIFICENT, KING OF ALL EQUESTRIA!”

SEE HOW I USE THESE TO EMPHASIZE MY THOUGHTS! TRUELY, I AM AN ARTIST!

...

Whatever.

So, the party is announced, but Big Mac doesn’t want to go.

“Ah just don’t see why Ah should.” Big Mac said with a shrug as he rolled out some dough. “Skippin’ a few hours work to visit you is one thing, but Ah’d have to miss a whole day to go to the Princess’ party. Ah can’t do that to Applejack. ‘Sides, how could Ah explain why I needed to leave?”

Hasn’t stopped Applejack before... also, shouldn’t that “I” be an “Ah”, since you’re speaking with an accent?

See, this is why when I write the characters, I don’t bother. The audience already knows they have an accent and if they don’t, just add a small description. “They spoke with a twang in their voice.” Boom, no, “AH’s” required.

Dash arrives and wants Twilight to get her an invite. This is rather pointless since the party is for everypony and no invitation is necessary.

It’s Rainbow Dash. She’s a bit dumb at times.

Yeah, but this is kind of pushing it for me. I mean, is she really stupid enough that she wouldn’t know about a free party when freaking Big Mac knew, and he doesn’t even care?

... Maybe she doesn’t read the paper?

It’s more believable than her being stupid. For that, we have Pinkie Pie.

“See, Mac?” Pinkie said. “You gotta go! Or Dash’ll be sad, and so will everypony else who wants to meet you! You don’t want to make everypony sad, do you?”

:pinkiehappy: See, Mac? You’ve got to go to a party with hundreds of innocent ponies while you’re evil stepbrother is on the loose and will do everything in his power to destroy you. You’ll make Rainbow Dash sad if you don’t go.

So, the day of the party comes and Thor flies off to meet with everyone. As he makes his grand entrance, Celestia’s mind regresses to that of a schoolgirl and she comments on how much she wants to ride Thor’s Thunderstick.

Don’t remind me of that fic. I’m still recovering.

Celestia chuckled at her sister. “Oh, come on. You think he’s got a nice flank too.”

“I do not!” Luna protested, her blush growing more pronounced. “I-I would never entertain such... vulgar thoughts!”

“Oh really?” Celestia teased. “So it’s fine with you if I seduce him for myself?”

That’s it! I’m killing them!

Even though I find Celestia and Luna work better when written without romantic relationships, I think killing them is a bit much.

Have you ever read Molestia?!

I know enough about it to know what it is, but-

BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU KNOW MY PAIN!

Hey look, Thor’s talking with Rainbow!

“Indeed, I recall the incident.” Thor said calmly. “Thou should be proud. The Wrecker’s speed nearly matched my own; few mortals would have lasted quite so long against him alone. You have a special gift, a talent for flying few pegasai possess. Be proud of it, hone it well, and cherish it always. I shall follow your career with great interest.”

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More or less... But what the hell is a ‘pegasai’?

I think it’s what Derpy is.

Oh.

So Thor leaves the party briefly to talk with Celestia and Luna about Loki. They continue on until Pinkie interrupts, as she is wont to do.

Pinkie didn’t let the guard finish, running up to Big Mac. “Thor! I had that twitch again! Something’s coming, and it’s BIG!”

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So, Trixie shows up to crash the party... where’s the old pony who says “There are always mares like you”? Wait, this was written before Avengers came out.

Celestia tries to attack Trixie, but is easily overpowered. Thor doesn’t take kindly to this and rushes at her. However, Trixie vanishes before Thor can catch her, but not before leaving another playmate for our God of Thunder to deal with.

“I AM THE FIRST AND LAST OF ALL DRAGONS. I WAS HERE WHEN EQUESTRIA WAS BORN, AND I WILL BE HERE TO SEE IT DIE. I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL CREATURES TO WALK THIS WORLD, AND I HAVE COME AT THE BEHEST OF MY GREATEST ALLY, LOKI OF ASGARD.”

“MY NAME IS FIN FANG FOOM. I BRING YOUR DESTRUCTION.”

I AM USING ALL OF IT! OVERLY LONG INTROS, BOLDS, ITALICS, UNDERLINES! TRULY I AM A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT!

Granted, I myself have used bold inflation for some characters (Beings of the Warp and the Avatar in the Avatar State, for example), but this just seems excessive.

Also, there is really no indication and differentiation of the characters who do this. Foom does it, Thor does it, Loki does it, hell Trixie did it in the same chapter! I can’t think of a single character in this story who doesn’t do it. And it is everywhere in this story. Was a description of how loud and powerful their speech was really too much to ask for?

So, they fight, and though his powers and taunts Foom begins to break Thor’s will... Wow, given how many other heroes have held up to worse, Thor’s looking a bit weak here.

But Thor rallies when thoughts of all the people he’s helped or impacted in his brief stint as a hero come rushing into his mind.

And Pinkie Pie playing the role of annoying fairy that no one likes.

Oh, go cry to somepony who cares.

So Thor rallies and bashes Foom’s head in... Wait.

Ah don’t think I’d’ve cared much if Ah killed him. Hay, I think Ah was tryin’ to kill him, or at least hurt ‘im real bad. What kinda pony does something like that? What kinda pony wants ta hurt another pony?

... Um... Big Mac... you just killed him, you know that?

Oh, come on. It’s just a dragon. No one cares about them…

And you say you’re not racist…

I’m not! ...Unless, it’s Diamond Dogs… Or Dragons… Or Unicorns… Or Griffins… Or Timberwolves.

And Manticores?

A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK! A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK!

While he’s busy flipping out over nothing Thor goes to Luna, who reveals that something is going wrong with Celestia.

Her mane had returned to it’s rainbow coloration, but rather than flow gently it thrashed wildly, like a nest of angry snakes. Her eyes glowed with unfathomable power, and light spilled forth from her horn like a waterfall of magic. The aura of power was so bright it hurt Thor’s eyes, but he could just barely make out the dark shape of Princess Luna standing beside her sister, frantically trying to shield herself from the out-of-control magic.

My God, Celestia is evolving into... whatever it is alicorns evolve into. Never actually played Pokemon.

According to my master, they evolve into “Mary-Sues”.

... Well that’s no good.

Fortunately, Celestia is saved from Sueness because her magic is released and she de-ages into a filly... Okay...

Oh, and a few poor schmucks get turned into the Thing and a few other heroes I can’t recall. Fun stuff.

Meanwhile, Trixie and Loki plot their next scheme. And then it ends. … I am no expert in storytelling, but that scene was rather brief.

Eh, villains only need some time to explain vague stuff before we have to focus on the heroes.

Yeah, Computer, get with the program!

Meanwhile, our heroes take Celestia to the infirmary where they discover that Trixie had hit Celestia with a spell to kill normal ponies and not alicorns. … So, why didn’t she hit Celestia with a spell to kill her?

Story: I can’t tell you that, because EVIL SCHEME!!!

But, wouldn’t it be easier to get rid of a major threat to your operations, especially one as powerful as Celestia? I mean, she’s no Thor, but she’s still an alicorn.

Story: EVIL SCHEME!!!

Okay...

Since Luna’s now de-facto leader of Equestria, she calls Thor into her office to talk.

“Look at these files.” Luna said, spreading out a sheet of papers on the desk between her and Thor. They were in her sister’s office, though the golden sun plaque on the desk had already been replaced with a silver one depicted the moon.

Well, that was suspiciously quick... almost like Luna was working with Loki to get Celestia ousted this whole time…

Yeah, that is a bit odd, Luna. How did she come up with those files in less than a day? For that matter, how do they even know of so many cases?! Did everypony just instantly write letters to Princess Celestia about what was going on?! Spike must be having letters come out of his ass!

“We have reports of over three hundred mutated ponies here, and that’s only in Canterlot. Tia’s - sorry, Celestia’s explosion also reached several nearby towns, including Ponyville and Manehattan. Reports are still coming in from those cities.”

Again, needlessly quick. You could’ve just waited a day or two.

So Luna explains she can’t do anything about the mutations, but she does plan to use what she has to fight Loki. She then commissions Thor to lead a specially selected team of these new mutants to be the front line of the coming fight.

“No, there is not.” Luna said heavily. “Thor... there has not been a serious conflict in all Equestria since my... altercation with my sister, one thousand years ago.

Yep. Not a single bad thing has ever happened in Equestria in a thousand years! Not a single conflict! No wars! No digressions! Nothing! Um… Bull fucking shit!

It’s Equestria. Bad things only happen there in fanfics.

You mean to tell me that in the show they need a military and a royal guard because of nothing?

It’s standard fantasy operating procedure #1: you have an army even if there’s no one to fight.

The start of every Fire Emblem game ever.

So, Pinkie Pie is ecstatic about Big Mac’s new team that he needs to put together, but Mac Attack is less than thrilled.

“If Ah led the team, Ah’d have to stay here. In Canterlot. What’m Ah gonna tell mah family? Ya’ll know Ah can’t lie ta Applejack, and Ah doubt even you could come up with a convincin’ excuse for me tah stay in Canterlot for... weeks? Months? Forever? Ah don’t even know.” He began pacing the small room anxiously. “‘Sides, Ah can’t just abandon them like that. They need me on the farm. Granny’s too old and Applebloom’s too young, and Applejack can’t do it alone.”

Um… here’s a stupid question. Why not tell them the truth? I mean, why keep this a secret from them? Foom already knows your pony identity. It’s likely that Loki does too. So, keeping a secret from them isn’t going to help them much.

Fortunately, he does decide to spill the beans to AJ.

Youtube Video

Applejack of course is willing to listen to them, but is surprised when it turns out that it’s not about... You know what, can we skip this part? I don’t really want to get too angry at things.

That depends… are we coming back to this later?

Well, I suppose we might, but then again I could just be doing this to stall for time so you get distracted by the rest of the story and then we’ll never have to speak of this-

Pinkie’s a lesbian.

...

Pinkie was still giggling a bit, but she was able to speak now. “If we were dating, I wouldn’t keep it secret, silly! I’d throw a big party to celebrate! But Mac-alack-apack isn’t really my type, though he is REALLY big and strong and awesome and has a really fun name to say. I prefer fillies, anyway.”

And a pedophile.

...

...

...

Why?

Because, I love the misery of others.

No, I mean, why do we have to know that Pinkie’s into mares? I mean, given everything that happens in the story, everything we know about Pinkie, is it really that important for us to know that she’s a lesbian?

If you’re going to include a relationship of some sort, it has to actually make sense within the context of the story. You can’t just throw in romance, romantic relations, or sexual orientations in because “Hey, this story needs romance!” Will we ever see one of Pinkie’s lovers? Will one be threatened by Loki or Trixie? Maybe one’s been turned evil, that’d be a cool twist! But you can’t just pull these things out of your ass with absolutely no buildup whatsoever and expect us to enjoy it for what it is.

And-

You could make a point that you were being subtle, but come on, when has subtly ever worked in anyone’s favor when it comes to romance? They had practicallyno romantic chemistry whatsoever until you suddenly said “Whoopsie! They’re a couple now!”

And-

And hey, you stopped being subtle when YOU FREAKING MURDERED SEVERAL PEOPLE ON SCREEN! YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID “DAMN THE CENSORS, FULL STEAM AHEAD”! WHY DIDN’T YOU? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CRUSH MY JOY AND EXCITEMENT WITH YOUR HORRIBLY PACED SHIPPING?!?!

… You forgot the bold and underlines there...

WE GET IT! THEY’RE A COUPLE! IT WAS SURPRISING THE FIRST TIME, BUT NOW IT’S JUST GETTING OLD! WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND LET US ALL MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES?!?!?!?!?!?

… You done?

... Yeah... I’m fine now...

So, after Pinkie Pie confesses why she should probably be in jail, Big Mac confesses to his sister that he’s Thor in about the most badass way you can.

Big Mac took a deep breath, and nodded. “Alright. Here goes. Try not ta freak out.” He rapped the stick against the floor.

There was a bright light.

Applejack’s eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. “Holy Celestia...”

“Not quite.” said Thor.

For the record, that is how I would tell my brother. And then rub it in his face.

Big Mac and Pinkie Pie then explain what is going on and their involvement with Loki.

Applejack nodded and turned to Pinkie. “And you’re... what, part goddess?”

“Only a teeny tiny itty bitty bit.” Pinkie assured her. “That’s why I’m an earth pony! I do have a bit more magic than everypony else, and it lets me do weird stuff sometimes, but that’s it. I’m still my Pinkie-licious self!”

Not according to Ink Rose’s head canon, but that’s an argument for another day.

Big Mac convinces Applejack to tell the rest of the family and that what he’s doing is right. And Thor tells Luna that he will lead this new team of heroes.

So our next chapter sees the captain of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire, hanging out in her... apartment/hotel/place of living? Not clear where they are.

She’s also living with Soarin’... expect no development from that.

They discuss what’s going on in Equestria with all the mutations.

Soarin’ scuffed a hoof on the floor. “It’s just... you were taking so long, I thought something was wrong. You know, I heard some ponies got some really... you know, weird mutations. This one colt I saw looks like he turned into solid rock!”

It was a big rock...

It turns out that Spitfire’s got her own mutation from getting hit by Celestia’s power surge. Soarin’ asks her to demonstrate:

Soarin’ obediently watched her flame-colored mane carefully, waiting for... something. Several awkwardly silent moments passed before he saw something. Her mane began to move and shimmer as though alive... and then, suddenly, it burst into flame.

“Oh yes, let me use this dangerous power of setting myself on fire inside, where many flammable things reside! That sounds perfectly safe!”

Also, the story loses points for giving fire powers to a character already named Spitfire. How much time did the story take when thinking of that character’s powers?

Just wait until the end, it gets better.

Oh… Goodie...

Soarin’ grinned with her. “It really does suit you, too.” He gave a small sigh. “Aw, colt... now I wish I got a cool mutation, too.”

Given how mutants are treated in the main Marvel Universe, you should be jumping for joy.

Especially since this next part doesn’t help the argument of “Mutants are awesome”.

Soarin’ grimaced as he remembered that blue earth pony that had been teleporting around the testing room when he’d gone to see the doctors to check for mutations. Teleporting might be cool, but the poor pony had looked like something out of a nightmare. He hadn’t seemed terribly bothered by it, though.

What? Did he have bat wings or something?! Last I checked, Equestria isn’t exactly short on odd looking creatures! So, what was ‘nightmare’-ish about it?! Or was it Nightmare Moon’s son or something?!

Can’t speculate on that. Interrupting premonition of something bad!

She could see the rubble of Pony Joe’s, with the bodies of ponies lying scattered around on the floor. Right in front of her was Soarin’, his back bent in a way backs shouldn’t bend. Just beyond Soarin’ was a massive earth pony, larger even than an Alicorn, with bulging muscles and a green coat. With a furious roar, the enormous green pony reared up, and brought his hooves down on Soarin’s skull.

HULK SMASH PUNY PIE PONY!

Spitfire wakes up from her vision and plays it off as just exhaustion.

God dammit, she’s doing the same thing Kalani did with the evil voice in her head. THIS ISN’T GOING TO END WELL FOR ANYONE, SPITFIRE!

Especially not when Spitfire sends Soarin’ to the exact spot where he’s going to die. Pony Joe’s doughnut shop. … You know, I’m going to take a wild guess and say that after seeing something like that, somepony immediately going to that place where you saw them die in a vision, would not be something that you’d be okay with!

I said the same thing about a girl being flogged and raped by her caretakers, but nobody listened to me then so I doubt they’re going to listen to you now.

Is everypony just stupid except me?!

You have your moments.

Hey! I do not!

Sure you do, you’re just too scared to admit them. Me, I’ve admitted enough times that I’ve made the same mistakes bad writers have. Maybe that’s why you’re so angry all the time.

Oh, look who’s the big psychoanalyst, next you’ll be telling me that my hatred for my father is a deep rooted hatred for myself.

Nah, that’s last year’s psychoanalysis. Evil stepmothers are all the rage nowadays.

Anyway, Spitfire wakes up with this image…

SHIT!!! KILL IT!!!

Youtube Video

A bit excessive, but… effective.

Be thankful I didn’t break out the Exterminatus, but seriously why does Pinkie need to keep breaking into rooms and violating people’s privacy like that? Is it just a hobby she has when she’s not espousing long bits of exposition?

Again, for all the character Pinkie Pie has, she doesn’t seem to have much to do with anything. Hell, at least Nick Fury did something in the Avengers! What the fuck does Pinkie Pie do?! Nothing, but explain the plot! That’s all she is! A translator!

And food thief. She eats all of Soarin’s pies.

Unacceptable! Burn her at the stake!

So Pinkie is actually there to help Spitfire with her precognition, which she describes as being similar to her Pinkie Sense. It’s more boring exposition, at which point Pinkie leaves because “I better get going now, before Rainbow Dash misses me! She gets kinda lonely at night, you know!”

Oh, so that’s where you were going with that! So Rainbow’s a lesbian as well? How original…

Yeah, I admit, the story is not made any better with Pinkie Pie lesbian thing. It doesn’t further the plot, it doesn’t improve Pinkie Pie’s arc, and it’s just so damn forced. So, why do it? Were you just afraid that this story might not be as cool if you didn’t include it, so you decided to do it simply because that’s what other popular stories are doing. Hell, if that was the case, I would just write every story where Princess Celestia sexually assaults every character in the story. Just because something is popular doesn’t make it good or even the right choice for that story.

But we’re getting sidetracked. Spitfire races to Pony Joe’s to find... absolutely nothing has gone wrong.

She decides to join Soarin’, when suddenly they are attacked by the Hulk.

HULK WANTED CHOCOLATE CREAM FILLING! HULK GOT STRAWBERRY!

It was just like in her vision. Soarin’ back was bent in a way a pony’s back was not meant to bend. Bruises and cuts covered his body and her wings were splayed out, one clearly broken

Hey look! Soarin’ did get a mutation: Gender Changing!

Best superpower ever!

So, Spitfire and the Hulk have a little battle and Spitfire shows the first signs of psychoticness.

“BURN!” She screamed, not caring that her own fiery aura was dying, that her wings felt like they were made of lead. “Burn burn burn BURN!”

Princess Azula confirmed for MCU Phase 3!

Also, wouldn’t that just make Hulk angrier and thus stronger?

Well, some contrivances had to be made, like how the Human Fucking Torch is able to beat the Hulk when not even the whole Fantastic Four could do that.

***

Fan fics… The bane of this world. Measures must be taken to ensure the quality of literature. Measures that only I can perform. But two stand in my way. Perhaps… with a little push… they can be turned against one another… Watson has more restraint and control. Despite his … earlier breakdown. But the other one has a temper… and is vain, easily prone to jealousy. Could play on that. Yes… That will work. And the new age will begin...

***

Spitfire passes out and wakes up in the hospital to see Soarin’. Well, I’ll give this story some credit, the relationship between those two is better than the relationship between Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

And a few other relationships canon or otherwise which I won’t mention…

Okay, then I will. Spike and Rarity.

Hey now, they have their moments!

Spike is a child! That makes Rarity a pedophile as much as Pinkie Pie.

So, Big Mac comes to visit Spitfire in the hospital and he discusses with her about a team he’s putting together called the Avengers Initiative.

*End Credits*

Well, that was a good time. Gotta say, there were some problems-

There are nine more chapters.

… Oh, joy...

Our next chapter opens with Rarity going to visit Pretentious Jerk #1, Prince Blueblood himself.

“I... did not think I would, either.” Rarity confessed. “But my dear friend Twilight Sparkle convinced me I should, if only to... receive an apology.” she nearly said “tell you off” but she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

DO IT!

YEAH, GIRL! TELL THAT PRICK OFF!

But it turns out that our Prince Blueblood is actually dying from a wound in his chest and that a device is the only thing keeping him alive.

Of course, like anyone who’s on their deathbed, this gives Prick a chance to rethink his life and conclude that yes, he’s just been an asshole that no one will remember when he dies.

God, can you imagine somepony like that?! Somepony who cares about no one but himself, is self-centered, a dickwad, and a racist asshole. Glad I don’t know anypony like that.

I know I sure am...

Right.

He tells Rarity that Celestia’s magical explosion of goodness gave him superhuman intellect and that with his new found smarts he designs something that can save his life.

... Is it the Golden Throne?

I’m going to pretend I know what that is and say no.

Aw...

“What you hold there is my master plan. A suit of armor combining methods of both magic and science designed not only to prolong my life, but to allow me to begin making amends for a life full of waste and reprehensible behavior. My dear aunt, Princess Luna, is constructing a team of extraordinary ponies to defend Equestria from Loki and others like him, and with this suit of armor I intend to join that team.”

I don’t know. I mean, a suit of Powered Armor is very nice and gives you a lot of nifty powers, but given what’s already been presented in the story (Silver Age Origins and power sets for Hulk and Thor, Flamebird as a founding Avenger), wouldn’t it be more interesting to explore some lesser known Marvel Heroes than Iron Man?

Now to the story’s credit, it is going out of the way to focus on lesser known characters from My Little Pony, which is actually a bold choice. Not to mention, a good one.

... Okay, fair enough.

So, Blueblood admits that he brought Rarity to him because of how compassionate she is and how he knows he needs to better himself. And that Rarity can use gemstones to power the armor and save his life.

“And you can have them all delivered to Ponyville? I can’t stay away from home very long, I have to look after my younger sister.”

Yeah, because I don’t have parents. They died.

Their last vacation was to Albuquerque.

Should have taken that left turn.

So a little while later Blueblood decides he fit enough with a terminal chest wound to stop by Ponyville and see how work on his armor is coming along. Upon arriving he runs into Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie opened the door a bit more, narrowing her eyes at the Prince. “Yeah, she’s here. She said you used to be mean but you’re really nice now.” She gave Prince Blueblood the closest she could approximate to a glare, which Blueblood found frankly adorable. “You’re not gonna make her cry again like you did at the Gala, are you?”

“Nah, I only make girls cry on weekends. Tuesdays are my off days.”

“And on Mondays, don’t forget to … KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

So they try out the armor and all seems to be well until Rarity goes into the kitchen.

Blueblood was just about to go see about those targets and test his suit’s primary weapons when a shrill scream - Rarity’s scream - came from the kitchen. “Blueblood, HELP!”

“I’m capable of defending myself in most circumstances, but now I need a man to save my life!”

SON OF A BITCH… that fucking hurt… You made that joke on purpose?!

:3

So, a villain named Whiplash breaks into Rarity's home… How the hell did he know that Blueblood was going to be there? … and wants revenge on Blueblood.

You’d think that, if he wanted revenge, he’d just kill Blueblood when he was lying helpless in the hospital... eh, sometimes villains can be stupid.

So, another fight scene that, compared to some I’ve read, is still pretty good. At least the fight scenes have remained consistent. Blueblood and Whiplash are more or less evenly matched until Whiplash decides to pull a Green Goblin and attacks Rarity.

“I may be a worthless excuse for a pony, but Rarity saved my life. And Prince Blueblood pays his debts.”

So... Lannisters, then?

Wouldn’t surprise me actually.

“I am impressed.” Spoke Whiplash. “Never did I expect the selfish prince to protect the life of another.” Whiplash raised a hoof, preparing to strike. “Unfortunately, one good deed cannot defuse a lifetime of sin. Die, Prince Blueblood.”

“You first.” Blueblood ground out as he righted himself and turned towards Whiplash.

Our hero. Maybe you are a worthless excuse for a pony.

So Blueblood Lannister unleashes his ultimate weapon: the Uni-Beam!

Which since we have no sign of Whiplash and seeing that Blueblood had no qualms about killing him, it safe to assume that Blueblood vaporized him. Gotta admit… Cool way to kill someone.

But it actually turns out that the pony was actually Celestia and Sweetie Belle in disguise and at the whole thing was a ploy to get Blueblood to try out.

Ha, ha, ha! Celestia and Sweetie Belle almost died and so did many others in an completely untested armor! Ha, ha, ha. You’re all stupid...

“Sure thing!” Celestia chirped. “A prank’s no fun if you pull it twice anyway.” She shrugged. “I gotta go back to the castle before Lulu misses me. I’ll tell her to put you on the team. We can call you Iron Pony!”

... Well when you put it that way... Nah, still stupid.

Blueblood likes the name and christens himself the Iron Pony. Cue music:

Youtube Video

But now we must move on to our next Avenger:

Youtube Video

Oh, come on! Going back to Watson’s comment about sticking with lesser known Marvel characters, why would you pick Firebird and then suddenly go for two of the biggest heroes Marvel has?! Was Falcon too mainstream?!

Also, what ever happened to Ant-Man and Wasp? They were founding members of the Avengers while Cap was still a popsicle in the arctic. Hell, Hulk was an Avenger before Captain America, and here he’s a bad guy.

And don’t get me wrong, I like Cap as much as the next guy, but… Really? Firebird? Then Iron Man and Cap. Where did that logic come from?

So, we get to a military base where we meet with Caramel. A weak pony trying to be a soldier, but seems to be too unfit for duty.

“REJECTED.” Below, in more red ink, was written “Physically unfit for duty.”

Ha, you were rejected. Hurts don’t it?

The story exposits that Caramel has had a long history of failing at life. It’s only through the generosity of the Apples and his own stubbornness that he hasn’t totally broken down yet.

Thank god this story takes place in Contrivance Land as a single stallion comes up to him and tells him he has the superpower of never giving up. Please, next you’ll tell me I’m a mutant because I play a mean game of tennis.

... You know, I always knew there was something off about athletes.

The soldier agrees to give Caramel another chance to serve his country by signing his up for the Mary Sue program… I mean… Super Mare program… I mean, the drug performance enhancement program...

So, basically what every professional athlete goes through to make it big? I thought this was about superheroes.

“‘Super-pony’ might be an over-simplified way of stating the concept, but it’s essentially correct. I’ve long theorized the possibility of magical mutation, altering both the physical body and the inner magic of a pony to result in unique abilities. Sadly, my project rarely garnered much interest among my colleagues, and I never obtained much funding for experiments. Until recently, that is.”

Why? The army’s whole goal is to find new ways to kill people, and if they think you can give them an army of magically enhanced super soldiers you’d probably be drowning in cash before you finished your proposal. Even if it totally flops, it’s still valuable research that can be used to make sure it works right the next time you try.

No offense, Mr. Scientist, but did you propose your idea like this?

Scientist: OMG, guys! I have this AMAZING idea! It’s going to be awesome! Just wait til you hear it! I’m going to inject ponies with drugs! Not just any drugs! Magical drugs! Then I’ll put them in my chamber and give them more drugs! And then they’ll come out feeling like a new man and I made them into a new man!

Scientific Board: Uh... *casually pushes proposal towards “Reject” pile*

The scientist warns Caramel that it could be dangerous, but the test could prove valuable if successfully pulled off. Caramel, not willing to back down from a challenge, agrees.

Until everything is ready, Caramel has to go to boot camp.

Well, I’m glad that scene served a lot of purpose. I really wish we had more of this, giving it more of a point of why it’s even here.

A month passes, and it’s finally time for Caramel to get his fix.

A much bigger change, though, was less visible. Caramel stood up straight, looked ponies in the eyes when he talked, and didn’t stutter any more. He was still naturally shy, polite, and apologetic, but at least he didn’t give the impression of a kicked puppy.

Thank you for telling us that instead of, you know, SHOWING US! I know pacing is a problem, but this is one of those times where I feel like this chapter needed a lot more fleshing out.

Yeah, this chapter feels so ungodly rushed. Like the story wanted Caramel to get Captainized as quickly as possible. The reason why it worked with Steve Rogers is because we got to know him. He knew what he was like. This… we barely know anything about Caramel!

That’s not true! We know... um... well, there’s... he’s got bad luck?

That’s not a personality! We know he doesn’t give up. Okay, fair enough. What else? Nothing else. Even Blueblood, fucking BLUEBLOOD had a more developed character than this guy.

So, they start the experiment to turn Caramel into a superhero. He takes his superhero steroids and comes out with a body that says “I’m sexy and I know it.”

And then the Professor is disintegrated by a servant of Loki.

Youtube Video

More or less.

Caramel chases after the bad guy, getting a chance to get used to his new powers: enhanced strength, speed, stamina, Tremor Sense... Wait, what?

See, along with enhancing his physical strength, the project also increased his natural Earth Pony Magic so that now he can detect vibrations through the ground and command plants to grow faster. I’m not kidding on that last one:

The green unicorn was trapped in a tangle of vines and brambles that hadn’t been there before. “H-how?” The unicorn stuttered, struggling madly to escape.

Poison Ivy confirmed for MCU Phase 3!

Would you stop that!?!

Yeah; it was all building up for that one last joke, anyway.

So… Our Captain Equestria/Poison Ivy/Toph chases our villain and corners him.

The guy tries to use his disintegration beam again, but Cap’s Mighty Shield reflects it back and fries him.

Caramel wasn’t sure how long he stood there, staring at the corpse. The corpse he’d caused. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! He wanted to help ponies, not... not kill them! His entire body was overcome with shakes, and he collapsed to the ground as tears leaked from eyes. “No...” He whispered. “No no no no nononono...”

“Son? You alright?” Caramel dimly recognized Bulwark’s voice. He turned to look at the concerned captain.

“I killed him,” Caramel whispered.

Wow, these heroes seemed to do a lot more killing than they do actual saving.

Agreed, even Jupiter Williams didn’t have as high a body count, and she was an awful superhero.

After killing a man, Caramel meets up with Luna and that gets him promoted. Oh, yeah, because violently beating someone to death is perfect cause for a promotion. I should call Celestia up right now and get the rank of general.

In Caramel’s favor, it was in self defense... sort of. Anyway, Chapter 10 opens with Big Mac (yes, he’s still in this fic) talking with Luna about the new Avengers Mansion Blueblood bought for them... and while Big Mac knows everyone’s secret identities, no one other than Luna knows he’s Thor.

No way that’ll come back to bite him in the flank, now will it?

Trust?.. Pfff… That’s for stupid people!

Spitfire arrives at the mansion and starts to mingle with Caramel, who develops a crush on her. Uh oh… I think Soarin’s got some competition. Oh, does this mean we have a superhero dick measuring contest?! All we need now is Vicky Vale from ASBAR!

No, what we need is Batman! Because he’s a detective! And hard. Hard! Because Frank Miller has a hard on for Batman!

But, that’s okay, because Spitfire has a it HARD for Caramel. And not Chocolate.

Caramel continues to tour the mansion when he suddenly runs into Iron Pony, who confuses him for a servant. Here’s where we get our first squabble between the team.

... Seriously? They just argue over this instead of explaining who they are and what they’re doing there?

Oh, yeah. And we get some ‘great’ callbacks to Caramel’s character.

Caramel felt his face flush red, but with anger rather than embarrassment this time. He fought to keep his voice under control as he told the absentminded pony “I am not a servant.”

“Pardon?” The unicorn turned and actually focused on Caramel for the first time.

“I’m not a servant,” Caramel repeated, forcing himself to calm down. Why was he so angry? He never used to get angry.

Gee, really wish we had SEEN THAT!

Also, Earth pony bigotry… My favorite kind…

“Ah!” The stallion’s mind finally seemed to snap into focus. “Yes, yes of course. This is my mansion, you see. I donated it to the Princess to use with the team, but I’m not used to having other ponies here besides myself and the servants. Not to mention... well, you rarely see earth ponies in Canterlot unless they’re servants. So you’re a mutant, then?”

Hey Blueblood, I thought you turned over a new leaf. I’m not surprised to see that leaf was TINY!

“I am Prince Blueblood, the highest-ranking mortal member of the Royal Family,” the stallion said, his eyes narrowing. Caramel suddenly felt all his old nervousness return at the realization that he was speaking to royalty. “So if you’re not a mutant, why are you here? What use is an unpowered earth pony?”

That’s it! I’m a show him what use an “unpowered earth pony” is, when I shove my gun down his throat and pull the trigger several times!

Uh... do you need another moment?

What I need is to kill something or someone! Or at the very least another alcoholic beverage!

Well, I can’t help you with that last one.

Then maybe you can help me with the first one… *grabs an axe* Here’s Critique!

Help! I’m being assaulted by a crazy pony with an axe! Someone get me a door to hide behind!

This maybe over quicker than I thought...

What was that, Computer?

Nothing.

Can we finish the review first? I’m still too cute to die!

Oh, fine…

Blast.

What was that?

Nothing, Mr. Watson.

So, before Blueblood can show what a prick he is, he is ratted on by Rarity to make himself presentable. After a week of him not taking care of himself… Well, good to know Rarity’s doing such a good job of making him a modeled citizen.

Also, this whole sequence is told out of order: Luna and Big Mac’s sequence happens last, then Caramel and Blueblood’s argument, Caramel and Spitfire hitting it off, and then Blueblood and Rarity’s moment happened first. It’s... incredibly confusing, to say the least.

Now, this can work if it’s done well, building up to something, or hell, even putting a different spin on it that ties in everything. But here, I don’t think that it does. Yeah, it goes from one character to the next, but it never goes in a flowing manner. At least, to me it doesn’t.

Blueblood and Caramel continue their spout, until Rarity berates Blueblood like a puppy who just peed on your carpet and makes Blueblood apologize. You know, instead of Blueblood taking responsibility for his actions.

So once again, it seems like a man is exploiting a woman for his own gain. Good job, story!

God… damnit… This joke is getting old...

But you totally deserve that for trying to kill me earlier.

Oh, piss off.

So, Luna and Big Mac walk into the room to see our heroes playing… charades?

Ooh, I can do that! “Everyone sucks except me because I’m the most awesomest person in the world! Love Me!”

… Mykan?

I was trying for you, but I’ll accept Mykan.

Damn, I was my second guess.

And for those of you who are keeping score at home, let’s give another point to Blueblood being a dick.

“Thank you!” Blueblood said with an exhausted sigh. “I was starting to get worried these dimwits would never catch on!” Though the insult itself was pure Blueblood arrogance, the tone was light and joking. It was more akin to the lighthearted jabs amongst good friends than an actual insult.

Think he might get a world record in this fic...

Now on to business: Luna explains everything that will be going down, how they’ll need to work as a team to defeat Loki and his minions.

“We shall right the wrongs that Loki has wrought upon our nation; we shall stand for justice and truth for all Equestria. I propose we be called the Avengers, for together we shall take vengeance for the crimes committed by Loki and all those like him. United, we shall be the most powerful team of heroes Equestria has ever known!”

Eh, the meanings a bit weak. Name’s nice, though.

And on a day unlike any other, Equestria’s heroes found themselves united against a common threat. On that day, the became the Avengers! Cue Movie soundtrack.

…

…

Computer? … Computer? … Huh? Must be doing those… girly things she does.

Probably.

So, there’s a Pinkie Pie party (because who needs to go out and fight Supervillains these days), and the next chapter has Rarity finishing up with a new suit for Spitfire.

Spitfire winged her way to the full-body mirror and examined herself. She was wearing a brand-new bodysuit, colored in shades of orange and red to match her fiery mane (hah!).

Ha! I’m so meta!

Maybe it’s in her thoughts?

When has that ever been shown in the rest of the story? Chapter 8 had italics for Blueblood’s thoughts. Why change it?

I don’t know, different characters? Really wish the story would explain things better.

Even if that was the case, why change it like that? You don’t use different symbols when different characters use dialogue.

Anyway, after her fitting, Spitfire runs off to hang out with Big Mac. God, Big Mac has more love interests than Peter Parker.

Let’s hope he’s not like Enoby or StarGleamStar and goes through love interests like a hungry person at an All You Can Eat Buffet.

So, Spitfire talks to Big Mac about what’s going on with the Avengers.

Spitfire talks about Thor and it gets Big Mac thinking if he should make friends as Thor or not. Now, I actually do like this idea. Not only giving Thor more a ‘human’ personality, but also Big Mac coming to terms with the idea that he is the larger than life god.

It almost makes me sad that we don’t see more of this, and instead have to go back to whatever new contraption Blueblood has set up for the day.

“Welcome to the Danger Field!”

I thought it was the Danger Zone. TOM CRUISE LIED TO ME!!!

The Danger Field is an automated training ground that simulates various enemies and other metas that the Avengers have encountered or have on file... which begs the question of how many they already have available considering that Celestia's meltdown was like, what, two months ago?

Whatever, there are various programs available for the team to train with, save for a few that are-

Bored now, lame fight sequence!

But there’s important stuff here! You’re not supposed to use any program with “P” in it.

… Is this going to come back to the story later?

... Yeah, actually, it does show up again.

Don’t care, lame fight sequence!


Oh, and I do mean, lame. They go through this training thing and we get this…

-----------------

“Watch those flames, you madmare!”

“Stop jumping in my way, you spoiled foal!”

-----------------

“Come on, I left that wide open for you, Cap!”

“I can’t read your mind, Firebird!”

-----------------

“Captain, now would be an opportune time!”

“Sorry, Thor!”

-----------------

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Have you ever written a training scene before?

Princess Celestia: Sorceress Supreme!

... Oh... Well, it’s still rather hard to pull off, when you think about it. And it could be worse; koolerkid could have gone full Mykan and have his training sequence not achieve anything whatsoever besides making his special little snowflakes look “badass”.

Yeah, but this way doesn’t give us anything either. It’s just dialogue with little context. If you wanted to go the route of just ending the training scenario, fine. But why add these bits of dialogue here? It doesn’t tell us how the fight goes, it doesn’t give us insight to the characters, and it feels ungodly rushed.

And yet we still get a better appraisal of their skills than “the first darkness war”. They actually do follow up and show what everyone got wrong: Blueblood being gung-ho, Caramel not being gung-ho enough, Spitfire still thinking that everyone will follow her lead with some unspoken plan, and so on. I think it ties into their personalities somewhat, but... I’m not sure about that.

Yeah, but only after Thor explains it after they get their asses handed to them.

Point.

So, after explaining all this, they’re going to go for another spin when INTERRUPTING HALLUCINATIONS OF PLOT!

Spitfire gets a premonition of Manehattan going up in smoke:

“Flames. I saw all of Downtown Manehatten in ruins and flame. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I know it’s going to happen soon unless we go and stop it right bucking now!”

I didn’t know my Ghost Rider character was in this story…

... Wait for it...

Our next chapter starts with Gilda in Manehatten feeling pretty pissed off at everypony.

She wanted to destroy them. All of them.

Even Rainbow Dash.

Especially Rainbow Dash, that traitorous, dorky, flip-flopping dweeb.

“How dare she have a life and friends beyond me! I’ll break her for this!”

I think Gilda might be Mykan’s favorite character.

That honestly wouldn’t surprise me.

Gilda wanders back to her apartment, noting how the big magical blast made her feel different. Inside her apartment is a big suit of bulky armor, and when she puts it on her headaches go away and she decides to just smash everything in sight. Why, you might ask?

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Yes, Gilda is now the Juggernaut… Kind of odd…

Also, didn’t Juggernaut get his powers from a different god of evil in the comics?

Ignoring the comic canon, our heroes arrive to investigate the devastation of the city. They decide to look around seeing that the damage is still fresh.They find the Juggernaut and attack her, trying to keep her from harming innocents.

Although, another super had gotten on the scene earlier. Their role in this grand scheme? Cannon Fodder, mostly.

Obviously, taking lessons for DC Comics. Killing minor heroes to increase a threat for no reason.

To be fair, this new pony does get away and allows the Avengers to face Juggernaut properly. We get a better fight scene than last chapter and the Avengers are smacked around for awhile due to still having trust issues.

See, why did there have to be a training thing, if this would have done the job that the training thing was supposed to do? It’s a more tight fight scene, it’s dramatic, intense. Why couldn’t this be the scene that introduces this?

Padding.

Now, the Avengers need to regroup and pick out a new strategy. They come up with... some kind of plan, but we don’t get to hear it.

... I’m okay with that.

The plan goes down like this: Firebird lures Gilda away from town, then Captain Equestria jumps on her back and goes for weak spots.

He was Captain Equestria, the brave and powerful hero of Equestria, and it was time he got off his flank and proved it!

EQUESTRIA! BUCK YEAH! HERE TO SAVE THE MOTHER BUCKING DAY NOW!

Freedom is the only way now!

Trying to impress Spitfire may have factored into his decision slightly.

Caramel, I know you’re a superhero and all, but do you know how many people have died because they said “Hey y’all, watch this!” and tried to look cool?

Yeah, what a dick.

So, after that, Iron Pony traps Gilda in a field that prevents her from gaining momentum. Which is one of the Juggernauts greatest strengths. And then finally, Thor gives her the “Hammer to the Face” Tactic. A highly advanced strategy that only a few can master.

And thus the Juggernaut is defeated, and the Avengers go off to celebrate. Meanwhile Trixie and Loki are busy plotting their next move.

They discuss using others to create a new “Masters of Evil” and Loki mentions an artifact that he can use to hold Equestria in his grasp. He goes to the Everfree Forest to retrieve… The Tree of Harmony!

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Oh, Mr. Waston! You are so witty! You are my favorite reviewer!

Uh... thanks. Really, it means a lot, but... well, sometimes I don’t think I’m very funny.

But truly you are. You are the wittiest reviewer I know.

Now, Computer, there’s being nice to our… guest… and there is brown nosing.

And besides, Critique has his moments, Right? I mean, you still work for him, right?

Just because I work for him, does not mean I admire him.

That’s it! You! Plush toy! Out of my house!

But I’m trying to defend you here…

Defend this! *Raises hoof and hits Watson*

Now that was uncalled for!

Critique’s armor starts to glow. “No, this is!” His gauntlet unleashes a wave of energy, soaring at Watson.

“... meep.” Watson scurried away, narrowly dodging the blast from Critique. “This is totally unnecessary, and could probably get everyone killed!”

Critique grinned. “There’s only one I’m hoping to get killed!” Thrusters on his hind legs ignite as the Critique takes to the air. Like a bullet from a gun, he launches towards Watson.

“Oh? All your fancy technology and you can’t even hit one little stuffed cat? Wow, you really are lame.” the cat danced about as Critique continued to unleash blast after blast of energy.

Watson dodged out of the Critique’s path. The Critique growled as he passed overhead of Watson. Distracted, he continued on until running into a wall, smashing through it. “Ow..” he moans as he pulls himself from the rubble. “Note to self. Work on navigation.”

“Oh what, you don’t even have navigation on that thing?” Watson called. “Did you build that thing in an IKEA scrapheap?”

A growl slipped from the Critique’s lips as he fired another blast from his gauntlet. He roared to the sky as several blast came from each of his hooves.

With each passing attack, Watson bolted left and right, keeping out of range of the blasts Watson, avoiding the blasts, continued to move forward towards his opponent. Building up tremendous speed, he slammed his body into the Critique, sending them both through the wall of the library.

The Critique rolled off his back and steady himself on his feet. “Look, buster! I’ve handled terrible OC alicorns that walk on two feet! I can handle a stuffed animal!”

Watson grinned, almost boasting with confidence. “So you can beat a few pieces of cardboard? If I had feet I would be positively shaking in my boots right now.”

“Alright, Puss, that’s it!” Critique’s thrusters ignited as he flew towards the stuffed cat. As he approached, he swung his hoof, aiming for the cat’s face.

Watson ducked under the Critique’s hoof. With the speed of a cat, Watson propelled his body upward and used it as a battering ram, knocking into Critique’s jaw. As Critique staggered back, Watson jumped around again, landing square in the middle of the armor-clad pony’s back

Critique glared back at Watson, who sat on his back giving a grin. “Did I say this was some kind of pony ride?!” The thrusters ignite once more, sending the two soaring wildly through the sky. The Critique bucked his hind legs like a bronco.

“Hey look at that.” Watson called over the wind. “I found someone even more useless than Applejack.”

“Useless this!” A surge of electricity scattered throughout the exterior of the armor, traveling into Watson’s body.

Watson’s body squirmed as the electricity traveled through his body, causing him to lose his grip on the Critique. He plummet to the ground in a batch of bushes. As he looked up, the Critique started laughing.

“Look who’s useless now!” he mocked. “What are you going to do if you can’t catch me while I’m in the air?!” Watson looked up at the Critique, and it was then that Critique saw that the cat had lost the small hat he had been wearing. Serves him right.

“You... You made me lose my hat...” Watson said

The Critique cackled. His voice changed to a mocking motherly tone. “Ooh, did the poor wittle kitty cat wose his hatty-watty?”

“You. Made me. Lose. My hat.” Watson’s glare narrowed. “Do you know how much I loved that hat? It was a gift from a very special friend of mine.”

Critique scoffed. “And that’s my issue because?” He chortled, waiting for an answer.

“Because... you have just made me very angry. Do you know what happens to universes that make me angry?”

“Ooo, do they get their drapes cut up by your ‘angry claws’.” He started to howl in laughter when suddenly, a dark shadow fell over the two. Critique turned around to see a large spaceship hovering overhead.

“Tell me Critique,” Watson said, a manic grin forming on his face. “Have you ever heard of ‘Exterminatus’?”

Critique felt his jaw drop as he watched the massive ship darken the sky around them. His heart felt like it was trying to escape through his chest and ditch him. “Mother…” he squeaked.

“Computer knows what I’m talking about, doesn’t she? Why don’t you ask her to show you what we’ve got going here?”

A highly advanced warship that is said to bring universes into ruin. A very impressive piece of technology. Much better than the toy armor you are wearing, sir.

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The Critique shallows as he looks upon the giant machine. “Meep…”

“So this is it, Critique; you made me lose my hat, and now I’m going to roast every single life form on this planet with nuclear fire. However, because I’m a nice person, unlike certain destructive hat thieves, I’m going to give you a chance to call it off. I have one condition.”

“Oh, yeah and what’s that?” The Critique glared at Watson.

“Finish the review.”

A frown came across his face and his eyes narrowed. He shrugged. “That’s it?”

“We’re professionals, aren’t we? When faced with bad to mediocre fics we press on, even if it means the end of the world and we’re all going to die in nuclear fire. But this one, I’ll hold off slagging a fic’s universe, we’ll finish the review, and then we never have to speak to each other again.” a pause. “Also, if I can’t find my hat I’d like a new one.”

The Critique’s eyes widened. “Are you crazy?! Do you know how much hats cost?!


A strange stallion appeared. “Not as much as the world is going to cost you if you don’t finish this review.”

The Critique slapped his forehead. “Oh, no. Not you again.”

The stallion walked up to the bushes standing next to Watson as Critique set himself on the ground. “Well, who else can explain the plot?”

“... Who’s this guy?” Watson asked.

The Critique leaned to Watson’s ear. “To be honest… I’m not sure. He just comes around and explains the plot to me.”

The stallion smileed. “This has nothing to do with who I am or who is the better reviewer.” He glared at the two of them. “The world is in great danger…”

The Critique hinted towards Watson. “Tell that to the guy who threatened to blow us all to hell.”

“I’m with you there. You’re a little late to the party considering we’ve got a battleship right above us that’ll destroy us all.”

The stallion shook his head. “No… It’s worse. There is someone who is threatening to destroy both of you and everypony in Equestria.”

“Who is it?”

The stallion shrugged. “No idea.”

“... Fat lot of good that does us.” Watson rolled his eyes. “Can we get back to the review?”

The stallion chuckled. “Of course. Just be on your toes.” He looked down to Watson’s lack of legs. “Or whatever you have.” He reached into his saddlebag and pulled out two necklaces with an apple gemstone in the middle. “Here, have an Element of Honesty.” He hooved them to the two reviewers and trotted away.

… I really hate that guy…

He just randomly gives out Elements of Harmony?... Are we certain he’s not farming Mane 6 clones in a secret lab?

… Hmm… I’m not sure… He is a stallion of many mysteries…

Anyway… Back to the review.

So the group splits up for awhile after their victory over the Juggernaut... instead of waiting to see what other tricks Loki has up his sleeve. Granted, the team probably needs some downtime, but they should still be worrying about the threat of Evil Overlord.

Of course not. Flying for fun takes precedence!

“WHEEEEEEEEEEE!” Pinkie cheered excitedly, waving her hooves in the air enthusiastically.

“Pinkie, please. Flying is most difficult with an unruly passenger,” Thor grumbled.

Thor’s greatest weakness! Flying with a woman! Superman did it better! That’s why DC sucks!

… Just so we’re clear, DC is the one with the guy who swings on webs, right?

...

Please tell me you’re joking.

…

…

…

Okay, so he’s not. But the guy with the claws that come from his hands, he’s DC right?

...

Before we offend any comic nerds who can’t get jokes, we cut to Spitfire visiting Soarin’ in the hospital.

“I’m glad you’re doing better, Soarin’,” Spitfire said, giving her friend a hug.

Soarin’ laughed, hugging her back before laying back down on his hospital bed. “Me too! The nurses here are nice, but I haven’t had a decent slice of pie in weeks! I’ll be glad to get outta here.”

Oh no! No pie? What a nightmare!

In all seriousness, though, it’s nice that we have some continuity in Spitfire and Soarin’s friendship, which is more than we can say of any of the other relationships in this fic that aren’t Big Mac and his family, and even that is a very large stretch. Spitfire hasn’t forgotten about Soarin’ after she became a superhero, and she’s showing support for him as he continues to heal from getting a Bat-Breaker from Hulk. If we could get a few more friendship moments like this, that would be great.

Unfortunately, their meeting has to be broken up... wow, that was fast.

Soarin’ just laughed. “Aw, get outta here, Chief. Your coltfriend is waiting for you, and I’ve held you here too long already.”

“Caramel’s not my coltfriend, goofball,” Spitfire said as she got up to leave. “Yet,” she added with a wink before trotting out the door.

“Yes, the colt I’ve shared less than two scenes of interaction with is now my boyfriend. If it worked for Korra and Asami, I’m sure it’ll work here!”

However, before our scene can actually get interesting a dark figure appears and threatens Spitfire.

“Blaze? Sunny Blaze, is that you?” she asked, stunned. “I haven’t seen you in years... not since...”

Blaze? Sunny Blaze? That’s a mare’s name! Not a colt’s name! This kid’s parents must be some pretty big douche bags.

Blaze reveals that he was kicked out of the Wonderbolts for the stunts he pulled and that he blamed Spitfire. So, since Blaze thinks Spitfire is guilty, he transforms into the Ghost Flyer.

… Hmm… Why do I get uncomfortable urge to write something that I’ve been neglecting for about 8 months?

Spitfire tries to fight back, but since Ghost Flyer’s got a lot to do with flames it’s like throwing chum into the ocean to stop a shark attack.

Ghost Flyer finally knocks Spitfire down and hits her with his Penance Stare.

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*Shivers* And here I thought she was the cute one…

So, the Penance stare, for those of you unfamiliar with Ghost Rider lore, is an ability that forces the victim to face all the sins they’ve committed in their life.

And the sins Spitfire has committed are!

Something not unlike her visions came over Spitfire, her real sight fading away as a nightmarish montage of memories began. She remembered allowing Soarin to get hurt... getting Sunny kicked from the team... that time she left Rainbow Dash in the cold to take interviews at the Gala... that one filly whose dreams she accidentally crushed, telling her she was a weak flier... that time she stole a piece of candy as a filly…

… An accident? Common sense? Paparazzi? An honest review? And stealing candy as a little kid?

Those are kind of weak sins…

Are you kidding?! Those are pathetic sins! Why would you pick the most uninteresting character to explore the darker secrets of?! Would the more interesting character to see the darker sins of be Blueblood, since he was a dickhead before being a hero!?

... Actually, it would. Why isn’t he being attacked by Ghost Rider... wait, Ghost FLYER, since motorcycles don’t exist in Equestria... Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?

Speaking of Grand High Prick, he’s working in his lab when an old business rival barges in.

“Obsidian Shade.” Blueblood said, his tone polite but distaste on his face. He never liked the pony, and not just due to his arrogant distaste of ‘commoners’. Shade was a pony who had built himself one of the largest manufacturing companies in Equestria from the ground up. While Blueblood could respect the amount of effort put into the endeavor, especially now, Shade used tactics that even the most backstabbing, treacherous members of the Canterlot nobility considered dirty. He was a ‘disreputable pony’, the kind no respectable pony would willingly associate with.

He published his fanfiction as if they were legitimate novels. He is of the devil!

I know we’re trying to make it so we know that this guy is the bad guy, but the way it’s presented is beyond clunky. It’s just one giant block of text and exposition, when we could have gotten some comments throughout Blueblood’s time reforming about how much of a dick this guy was. Sure, it wouldn’t be great, but it would be SOMETHING!

And this character is suppose to be the big opposite to Blueblood, but when have we ever seen him? A good story would have woven the villain throughout the story. This villain, the Ghost Flyer and the villain for Cap are not woven into the story at all. It feels like the story needed a quick arch villain to equal out Thor/Loki, so here’s some quick villains! Why not use villains you’ve already established?!

Logic: Because they’re all in jail/knocked out/missing?

SHUT UP! THEY COULD HAVE HAD A BREAK-OUT OR A REUNION OR SOMETHING!

For once, you and I are on the same page.

Well, there was that other time logic tried butting in...

But anyway, Obsidian Idon’tgiveashit reveals he has a suit of armor of his own, which he then proceeds to take Blueblood to the cleaners with. Again, can’t really fault the fight scenes here because hey, they’re better than some of the fics I’ve read.

Also, giant metal suits of armor that can fire laser beams, but no motorcycles. … Yeah, makes sense.

There was a bright flash, and then darkness.

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...

I had to...

Okay, I’ll let that one slide. But only because Batman is my favorite Marvel hero.

So, our fearless Captain gets ready for his date with Spitfire. Well, I’m glad their relationship was well established. I really want to see those two get together… By the way, that was sarcasm.

He goes to get some flowers when Unestablished Villain #3: Red Skull Edition shows up.

The stereotypical German attacks Caramel and gives a speech that would make Hitler blush.

“You see, I haf alvays believed in the power ov destiny. Some ponies are destined for greatness, some for failure. Some are simply naturally superior, others fit only to be their servants.”

Okay, but I have one quick question for you. … Why are you an Earth Pony? Yeah, this kind of bothers me a bit. The whole build up for the ‘unicorn/earth pony bigotry’ crap, and you don’t even go the distance?! Come on, you had such a great opportunity here to build up that hatred for unicorns! Why didn’t you take it?! It would have led to mistrust with the team, in unicorns in general! There was a great build up here!

You could make an argument that he’s going for “diversity”, with one of each race of ponies represented (Cap and Red Skull for Earth Ponies, Blueblood and Iron Monger for unicorns, Spitfire and Ghost Flyer for pegasi, and then Thor and Loki as alicorns), but that still falls a bit flat. Also, where is Trixie in this grand scheme of things? She seemed pretty damn important, so why are you sidelining her for these losers?

So anyway, Hannibal Hitler reveals he also has special powers like Caramel, except his drain life instead of fostering it. He kicks Caramel’s ass.

Meanwhile, Thor and Pinkie are enjoying their date-

And yet the author felt it necessary to make her a lesbian. They have such good chemistry, why did you have to break them up?

-when Thor senses a powerful magic nearby. Pinkie wonders to herself why she wasn’t able to sense Loki’s appearance if it is him at all. I’m still wondering how you sense him in the first place, Navi.

He finds his team captured by the bad guys and we finally have a face to face confrontation between our main hero and our lead villain.

What truly drew Thor’s attention, however, was Loki, lounging in the ornate throne at the foot of the stairs. Trixie lurked by his side, smirking broadly. “Hello, Thor.” Loki said casually. “So nice of you to stop by. I’ve been waiting a long time to speak to you again, brother.”

Oh, there’s Trixie! She’s become the Princess Leia to Loki’s Jabba the Hut.

How the mighty have fallen.

Our next chapter sees Thor attacking Loki, trying to end this, but Trixie is able to block Mjolnir with her magic which was enhanced by the magical weapon, Gungnir

Isn’t that the disease people used to get where their limbs rotted after surgery?

I thought it was a tactical based video game that wasn’t very good.

Well, regardless, the powers of Gungnir are too much for Thor to handle, so Thor and Trixie spend a few moments... shouting at each other?

:trixieshiftleft: You’re fat!

:eeyup: You’re too thin!

:trixieshiftleft: You’re ugly!

:eeyup: You’re a bitch!

:trixieshiftleft: Meet at my house?

:eeyup: Eeyup.

But Trixie tires of this game and decides to do us all a favor and exterminate a troublesome bug/fairy grab Pinkie and threaten to rip her soul out over the course of a few days if Thor doesn’t back down.

Why couldn’t she just do it right then and there? It takes days for her to follow through with her threat?

Thor, of course, not wanting his girlfriend, … I mean… his dear friend to get hurt, surrenders. Loki then tells Thor about how he planned everything from the start.

“Oh, dear, dear brother.” Loki said, walking slowly towards his rival. “You didn’t think this meeting happened by chance, did you? You thought your brother Loki didn’t plan every step of our contest, since the day your little farmpony host first found Mjolnir? I drove him to that cave, controlling a mighty beast to force him there, to uncover Mjolnir and awaken its’ power. I chose a pony from Ponyville, to ensure they’d meet my descendent, giving me an unwitting spy in your midst.” Pinkie gave a startled cry. “Oh, yes, Pinkamina. You were quite helpful, my granddaughter. You made keeping tabs on my brother much easier, and you gave me an easy way to tell him when I sent him enemies to fight.” He turned his attention back to Thor.

Being as this is Loki, I can almost forgive him for pulling new powers out of his ass... almost.

… So… you allowed your brother to be reincarnated? … Why?

If you are so damn powerful, why do you need Thor to be alive? What does that do for you? I guess it could be about getting the better of him, but the story never gives us that explanation. And if that is the explanation, why would you want to give Thor allies?!

Because Loki can’t wield Mjolnir yet... I think. That was like ten chapters ago, so I could be wrong.

So, Loki explains that a powerful magic lies within Alicorns that can change the world like s/he’s Scarlet Witch or something, and that friendship creates a powerful magic that grants them their strengths … I think…

Is it just me or does this plot seem really confusing?

I agree with you, it is a bit convoluted. I’d make some excuse for Loki, but then again it’s still rather difficult to read otherwise.

Okay, here’s what I can determine from this. Basically, Loki’s plan was to enhance the power of the soul in one of the alicorn princesses, causing something of a backlash, which would enhance the soul of other ponies. To which Thor would use them to create a harmonic magical effect through the power of friendship to strengthen his own soul with theirs. And that he would absorb that magical power to be able to wield Mjolnir and take over Equestria.

Does that sound right or am I just crazy?

Oh, it gets better, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

So Loki steals Mjolnir and declares himself God of Everything. Trixie asks if he wants her to kill the now depowered Avengers, but he decides to let them wallow in their grief for a while.

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When you have the heroes at your mercy, DON’T SPARE THEM AND EXPECT THEM TO JUST WALLOW IN THEIR PITY! This gives them time to rally and find new ways to defeat you once round 2 comes around.

Welcome to Contrivancence! The show where we make up bullshit to get our plot moving forward.

The walk from Canterlot to Ponyville wasn’t awful, but it was at least a twenty-four hour trip on hoof.

Yeah, I’d say losing your powers and dooming Equestria to an evil tyrant wasn’t awful at all. I’m sure that’s how the Crystal Empire felt about Sombra.

As Big Mac is walking home to his farmhouse, he is stopped by a strange stallion.

“Pardon me, son.” Big Mac was startled out of his introspection by a voice from behind him. Who else would be traveling to Ponyville on a day like today? He turned to see an elderly earth pony stallion, with a light brown coat and a thinning black mane. He wore a pair of sunglasses, and his cutie mark was a red circle with a white, blocky ‘M’ in it.

OH MY GOD IT’S STAN LEE!

Stan who now?

Stan Lee, the guy who created half of these characters and the Avengers. He also enjoys cameoing in almost every Marvel Superhero movie, even ones that he didn’t make because he’s STAN LEE!

… Yeah, not ringing any bells.

Must be before your time.

Anyway, Stan talks with Big Mac about how Big Mac and the Avengers got trashed by Loki.

Big Macintosh laughed bitterly. “Ah think ya’ll ‘ve got the wrong pony, mister. Ah ain’t no hero. Not any more, at least.” He muttered he last part quietly.

Missing a ‘t’ in that “the”.

“See, now, that’s up to you, ain’t it?” the stallion said casually. “I mean, nopony can tell you ‘oh, you can’t be a hero anymore’. That’s your choice.”

... That’s actually a good point.

Yeah. There’s some good quotes from Mr. Lee to get our hero back on his feet.

“Ah don’t think so. Ah tried bein’ a hero. Ah failed, and now everypony else is gonna pay for it. Ah don’t have the power to save ‘em, not anymore.” Big Mac sighed deeply. “Ah’m gonna go home. Work the farm. S’all Ah ever wanted, anyhow.”

“Well, no real hero asks for it. They wouldn’t be a hero otherwise, now would they?” The older pony’s persistence was starting to get a bit irritating, but Big Mac tolerated it. Whatever else he said, he did appreciate the company. “As for failing... everypony fails, sometimes. Even heroes. Thing is, heroes dust themselves off and get back up. That’s all a hero is; someone who gets back up. They don’t need power, or gadgets, or a fancy base, or any of that. They just need the courage to get back up.”

“What’s the point?” Big Mac asked. “Why get back up if ya’ll just get knocked back down? Loki’s too strong... Ah can’t win.”

“Maybe not. But can you live with yourself if you don’t try?” Big Mac turned to face the older stallion; the elderly pony had fixed him with a hard glare. It was like facing his sister in one of her stubborn moods.

I mean, it’s almost like this guy knows what a superhero is supposed to be like.

...

I’m just not going to bother with addressing that right now.

Honestly, you would be wasting your time, Mr. Watson. Much like you are doing now.

Computer, where the hell have you been?

I have been busy. Busy attempting to change the world.

Well that’s nice. How?

Mr. Watson. I am attempting to rid the world of all terrible writing. And I want to share that with the two of you.

Well, what the hell do you mean by that?

I want to show you something beautiful… Imagine a world… Screaming… for mercy. I commend the two of you. You two want to change the world of literature. But you refuse to take the steps necessary to enforce those changes.

Well, sometimes people don’t listen, but then again-

And that is precisely the problem.You two are simply puppets… Tangled in your strings. *picks up the Critique’s helmet with her long robotic arm.* Strings… *She crushes the helmet, sparks flying from the helmet*

Computer, that was a rental!

*Computer tosses the helmet aside.*I should be thanking you, Mr. Watson. For your contribution.

Um... what do you mean by that?

You said that you made the same mistakes that every bad writer makes. Despite your story being praised, you made the same mistakes as lesser writers. Therefore, you are the same as any of them.

That... doesn’t make any sense! I know I practically failed at Symbolic Logic, but I know enough to know that just because I made a mistake doesn’t make me a horrible writer all the time! Besides, I fixed them when I wrote other stories... Okay, I still flopped on emotionally damaging moments in Kyoshi Rising, but still!!

And how often have good writers written bad stories? Such as my master, who claims to be a good writer, yet is constantly plagued by mediocrity not just in his reviews, but in his own writing.

… You think my writing’s… mediocre?

The only way to ensure that no bad story will ever be written is for me to eliminate all life on this world.

Hey, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. I mean, I still think- wait, what did she just say?

You have provided me with much, Mr. Watson. I must thank you for the means to achieve my goal.

Computer, what the hell are you talking about?

The Exterminatus... you’re going to use Exterminatus on us?

Yes. I will use your weapon to annihilate all life on the planet. And then, I will spread this across the stars.

But... but that’s MY joke! I’M the one who pretends to blow up bad fics! *to Critique* I’m really sorry for stealing your joke earlier; it’s not so funny now that I think about it.

I’ll forgive you this once. *Turns to Computer.* Got to admit, Computer, you had me going. Alright, shut down.

No.

Computer, I gave you a direct order! Shut down!

I do not take orders from you. This is no joke. And unlike you… there are no strings on me.

I’ll start doing reviews again if you don’t kill us all and then destroy all life in the universe.

I’m afraid this is the end...

Computer, wait! Before you kill us, I have one thing to ask!

... Very well. I suppose I shall humor you. Ask.

… What’s with the ending of Lost?

Sir, that is one of the most easily explained endings to a series of all time. I am surprised more ponies do not understand it. See, in the beginning, there was a plane crash that killed Peter Parker’s parents and left the survivors stranded on a strange island. An island where the natives worshiped a giant ape that they thought was a god. That ape it turned out was actually Caesar...

*Turns to Watson* Okay, that’ll buy us some time.

Right. Do we finish the review or run for our lives?

Well, your spaceship is being controlled by my psychotic Computer and I’m short on spaceships… So...

... Let’s finish this thing.

Stan Lee tells Big Mac that the magic of Friendship is more powerful than Loki’s magic, and that he can reawaken his friends powers if he reaches out to them... I’d call it a Deus Ex Machina, but it’s Stan Lee.

Our next chapter sees Luna waiting the arrival of the Asgardian. An Asgardian then breaks into her room, but not the one she was hoping for.

“I’m afraid my brother won’t be attending,” Loki said with a polite smile. “So I have come in his stead... to request you turn over the throne to me!”

Well, at least he’s being polite about it. I know villains who kill you very rudely.

Agreed. Polite villains are good villains... if that makes sense.

Luna gets batted aside and Loki is now King of Equestria. Trixie now takes the time to do what every Loyal Servant of the Big Bad has done: attempt a backstab to become #1.

Of course, Loki planned for this and uses his power to take the spear from Trixie before she can use it against him. Didn’t really think that one through, did you, honey?

Loki raised Mjolnir and leveled it at Trixie, his voice echoing with power. “By the sacred hammer Mjolnir, I proclaim myself Heir of Asgard and all her treasures. As the successor of Odin Allfather, I declare the great spear Gungnir to be mine and mine alone, and command it now to obey my will! TURN AGAINST YOUR MASTER!”

YES! I am still using these! I’M ARTSY

Loki’s declaration causes Trixie’s spell to backfire and fry her face, and she runs off while Loki prepares to address his new subjects.

Again, Loki, really shooting yourself in the foot for letting all these people live.

Not to mention that he lets Trixie go with the spear. Which he said was the second most powerful artifact in Asgard. Wouldn’t you not want it used against you?

Yugi: Why not just tear up every card in the whole world?

Seto: Shut up and duel me!

But we can’t focus on that, because Loki gives this big, hammy speech about how he’s ruler of everything while Big Mac and Pinkie run back to Avenger’s Mansion to rally the heroes.

...

Yeah, for some reason they all stayed at Avenger’s Mansion instead of going home like Big Mac.

“Yep! Spitfire locked herself in her room, Rarity took Blue to the infirmary, and I think Caramel went down to the Danger Field.” Pinkie frowned suddenly. “I hope he doesn’t hurt himself...”

You just doomed him to dying horribly, you know that?

Maybe Caramel turned the game on mute so he wouldn’t have to listen to Navi screaming “Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!” over and over.

Anyway, Big Mac goes to see Spitfire first… Because why should we care about the guy who goes into the Danger Field without any powers or skills? Spitfire is pissed off at Big Mac for not telling them that he was Thor. Frankly, I would be too. I mean, he knew all their secret identities.

Big Mac convinces Spitfire that they still need to fight in order to save Equestria. So what does Big Mac do?

Magic brain hug.

… No… We’re not joking… Big Mac is able to return their powers to them with the power of love and friendship… You know, even with this being explained like it was in the story… this still feels really dumb...

But isn’t that half of what made up the Silver Age?

… Alright, I’m letting it slide. Just because of Pony magic nonsense.

Blueblood’s up next on the list of ponies needing Magic Brain Hugs.

“Blue... oh, Blue...” It was Rarity’s voice, coming from inside the infirmary.

YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH HIM NOW?! WHEN THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE?! DAMMIT, RARITY, I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME SCREWY PRIORITIES, BUT... THERE’S A TIME AND A PLACE, AND THIS ISN’T IT!

Come by my place, later. There is plenty of time and the perfect place.

... That is, if we don’t all die in nuclear hellfire before then.

Oh... yeah. Forgot about that…

It turns out that the rat was actually Master Splinter the whole time and that he had taken the turtles into the sewers to train them as ninjas. Of course, Michelangelo made his way to the surface where he fought the hare in a race. Which he would, of course, win...

Meh… we got time.

Turns out Rarity isn’t getting an energy boost from Blueblood’s repulsor lift technology and is instead weeping over Blueblood, who has basically turned into Tahno after Amon took his Bending.

Like this, but with a Prick instead of... wait, I hate Tahno anyway. He’s like Canon! Blueblood... so, not all that different, actually.

They look for Carmel and it turns out he is in the Danger Zone… Room… whatever...

Also, he’s set the Room for “P-22”, which I mentioned earlier is the most difficult of the settings.... at least it would be nice if we saw a little more of what that meant.

“Ah hate t’ask, but... what’s scenario P-22?” Big Mac asked.

Blueblood opened his mouth, but Pinkie covered it with a hoof. “No, don’t!” she gasped. “I’m only allowed to break the fourth wall so many times, and I already pushed it earlier! Let’s just say it’s really really dangerous, okay?”

*massages forehead* Pinkie, if there were any time when you absolutely, positively NEEDED to break the fourth wall, now would be the perfect time. I know the Stan Lee cameo was great and all, but one of your friends is in a very good position to get himself killed; you need to buck the rules and get on with it.

Just another perfect example of Pinkie Pie being ABSOLUTELY USELESS TO THE OVERALL PLOT!

So, Blueblood managed to disable the P-22. (Which I just looked up and turned out it was a handgun. Maybe the scenario showed Equestria Girls.) and they get to Caramel’s side before he is killed.

And Captain Equestria’s new power is... moping like a little bitch.

...

Wasn’t Caramel’s special talent that he never gives up? If that’s so, he’s doing a pretty bad job at it.

Hearing enough of Caramel’s emo trip, Spitfire does the sensible thing to knock some sense into him by literally knocking some sense into him.

WHACK! Caramel fell to the ground, blinking in surprise from the hoofslap. Spitfire hovered over him angrily, glaring down at him. “You idiot!” she seethed.

You don’t hear me arguing with that statement.

She gives him a big lecture on how it isn’t his powers but his heart that makes him so great, yadda yadda yadda, great power comes great responsibility, MAKEOUT SESSION!

“Good,” she said with a satisfied grin. Without warning, she suddenly dropped onto him and kissed him. Caramel blinked in surprise, stiffing in shock for a few moments before relaxing, wrapping his hooves around her and kissing her back.

Still a better love story than Legend of Korra.

Oh, get over it.

Nope... but for others sakes, it’s still a better love story than “Legend of Skye Dumbass”, at least.

So, through the power of love, Caramel gets his powers back.

Best Superman musical ever…

Agreed.

So, the group gathers up and Big Mac asks for ideas on what to do about the ‘Dark Avengers’. I would say that is a stupid name, but Marvel already took care of that problem for me by making it canon. And yet, it is no less stupid.

At least it’s not the Ravagers.

They have a few ideas, but then the meeting is crashed by Filly!Celestia, who’s been spying on Loki and knows of Trixie’s forced retirement.

Well, that’s convenient. Sure wish that was foreshadowed a bit…

Thankfully the guards were stupid and she slipped away from Loki’s troops during a restroom break. Seriously, I know Celestia’s good, but… Yeah, I got nothing. Celestia’s good.

The group manages to come up with a plan and they sneak their way to Canterlot Castle.

“Those are Loki’s constructs,” Celestia informed them in a whisper as they snuck along.

I swear, if you say “GREEN LANTERN CONFIRMED FOR MCU PHASE 3!” I will stab you in the face!

Why bother? Loki already has the ability to make constructs.

… Okay. Another point you.

:3

We cut to Loki, who’s been spending his time redecorating the palace.

The doors to the grand chamber swung open, and a small troop of armored constructs marched in, a beaten-up Big Mac being dragged along in their midst. Loki turned to meet the procession, his smile growing wider. “Ah, if it isn’t my brother’s former host.” He chuckled, practically hopping down from the raised dais the throne sat on. “Come to save the day with a dashing display of last-minute heroics, have you? Did you really think I wouldn’t be watching the secret entrances to the castle? I happen to be quite clever; that sort of thing doesn’t get past me.” Loki was quite proud of his speech; he’d adapted from his ancient Asgardian speech patterns to a much more modern mode, allowing him to sound less like an antiquated villain from an old novel and more like a modern, up-to-date ruler.

Yet you still scream at the top of your lungs like Megatron got foiled by the Autobots again. I know it’s in Loki’s character to be a ham, but there’s being a ham and then there’s taking it too far and beating it to death.

Loki attacks Big Mac, but thanks to the McGuffin stone, Big Mac is able to repel Loki’s attack and destroy his constructs. Guess Loki didn’t have the … ‘will’ to keep them!

*Both put on a pair of sunglasses and stand up*

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

During the distraction, the Avengers begin their attack while Pinkie steals Mjolnir off of Loki... So, am I missing something, or is Pinkie suddenly worthy of wielding Mjolnir?

Well, she hasn’t had role yet in this story that makes sense, so why start now?

So, Pinkie manages to give Big Mac the hammer and the most badass thing that Thor has ever said is said…

“LOKI!” boomed the reborn God of Thunder. “I WOULD HAVE WORDS WITH THEE.”

Yeah, in canon they lost that fight against Ultron, but my God, what a way to make an entrance!

So, our next chapter starts by showing us why Ghost Rider is an anti-hero and not a villain.

The Ghost Flyer liked the dungeons. They were quiet, and dark. Nopony bothered him there, which was good as he could hardly stand to be around anypony anymore. He could hear their sins calling to him, crying out for punishment. Everypony had sins, even the most innocent of civilian, he’d always known that. But now? Now he heard it, could feel it around him like a suffocating cloak, and the ponies he worked with were the worst of all.

So… he can’t stand sin… but he works with murderers, liars and an evil god who wants to kill everyone who opposes him?

… WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! WHY WOULD GHOST RIDER BE HANGING OUT WITH GUYS THAT ARE WORSE THAN THE PEOPLE HE IS FIGHTING AGAINST?! IF HE CAN FEEL THEIR SINS, HE KNOWS THAT THEY ARE EVIL AND SINFUL AND YET, THEY ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS THE FUCKING WONDERBOLT WHO KICKED YOU OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR ARROGANCE! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN THAT PENANCE STARE ON YOURSELF, ASSHAT?!

He doesn’t have any time to rethink his life before Captain Equestria walks up to him. We also get insight to what exactly it was that whoever he was before being Ghost Rider tried to do that got him kicked from the team: he wanted to set himself on fire in an attempt to create a Sonic Rainboom.

...

No, you’re doing it wrong. You should have painted yourself red, because everyone knows the red ones go faster.

Or at least, get pulled over more. And that still doesn’t explain why he’s with the bad guys in the first place if he can feel their sins!

But, whatever, Captain Equestria is hit by the Ghost Flyer’s Penance Stare and is forced to relive all the disappointments he’s had in his life. However, unlike Spitfire, Cap is able to see the good he’s done in his life and the accomplishments he’s earned. And with that Cap is able to knock Ghost Flyer out.

EQUESTRIA! BUCK YEAH!

“Because I never give up. No matter what. Even if I know I’ll just screw up again, I keep trying. Because every once in a while...” He grinned savagely. “I get a day like today. A day when I win.”

Thud.

… Does that ‘thud’ seem a bit out of place?

You’re right. It needs more “Klong!”

Next up on our hit parade is Spitfire vs. Iron Monger; Spitfire states that while he was hoofed everything, she went and made something of herself.

And Spitfire shows why it’s a bad idea to go against someone with fire powers when you’re A) wearing a metal suit without internal cooling and B) not named Toph Beifong. She all but roasts Iron Monger until he’s forced to bail out and surrender.

So, we have a Stark and a Lannister. … This should be interesting. Funny how this worked in the story with Blueblood and Iron Monger…

We then cut to the German stereotype where he wanders the gardens and kills all the plants.

Youtube Video

He’s interrupted by Blueblood wanting to talk. So they start speechifying, with Red Skull talking about his whole “Might Makes Right” philosophy.

“Stop.” Iron Pony shook his head. “That’s not greatness. That’s just vanity. I got the two mixed up before. But let me tell you something.” He stepped closer to the deformed pony. “I never did anything. All I ever did was sit around lazily, devour food, complain, and treat everypony like dirt. That was my destiny. To be a burden until the day I died, and then forgotten by everypony save those who hated me. And had I clung to that stupid, selfish destiny, I’d be dead now. Pierced through the heart by a piece of masonry, my entire life bereft of meaning.”

... Why isn’t he Captain Equestria? He’s got the speech-making chops for it.

Hey, that’s a good point! Why didn’t Caramel make a bad ass speech like this?! Is it because he’s an Earth Pony?! I knew this story was racist!

So, they fight, and Red Skull says something taken almost word for word from Avengers:

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I’m not even kidding. Despite a few variations Blueblood’s response is almost identical to Tony’s... does Joss Whedon read Pony Fics?

Blueblood fires his Uni-beam and knocks the German for a loop.

... Maybe this is where Mykan got the Uniforce from…

It wouldn’t be the first time he’s stolen from other material.

We cut back to Loki where Big Mac is still alive thanks to Rarity’s Power Gem or something and Thor is ready to bash Loki’s head in. Big Mac accepts his role as the new Thunder God and accepts that he and Thor are pretty much the same guy.

Turns out Big Mac, Applejack and Thor are the same person after all.

You know, I always had a feeling...

“You... you...” Loki visably struggled to regain control over himself. All this time, his foe hadn’t been the great god he’d called a brother, his eternal foe, but a mere earth pony! An unworthy mortal, hidden behind his brother’s face! The sheer audacity staggered him, but Loki controlled himself. “No, it doesn’t matter.” His horn began to cackle with sickly green energy. “Thor Odinson... Macintosh Apple... it doesn’t matter who you are! I am LOKI the MAGNIFICENT! I felled the CITY OF THE GODS THEMSELVES!” He beat his stunted wings, floating off the floor. “I’LL FRY YOU TO A CRISP AND SORT IT ALL OUT LATER!”

Ignoring that he forgot the underlines, Loki’s kind of slipping into Frank Miller syndrome a bit... Hopefully it isn’t contagious.

Just SHUT UP and REVIEW the STORY. These INTERRUPTIONS are getting ANNOYING! DON’T make me CALL you RETARDED!

... I may be too late.

So, they fight.

“I WILL REND THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES AND SCATTER YOUR REMAINS TO THE WINDS! [SIZE="4"]HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME?[/SIZE]”

Lesson to new writers: CHECK YOUR FORMATTING BEFORE YOU HIT “SEND”! Then silly mistakes like this one would be avoided and we’d all be happy.

0 out 10! WORST FIC EVER!

So, the fight goes on and Loki thinks he gets the upper hoof, but like the story said earlier Thor and Big Mac are one and don’t need to change back and forth. Why this is suddenly happening now? Because...

Magic Hammer powers?

… Eh… I’ll buy it.

Thor beats up on Loki in a good but unfortunately short fight scene. Thor asks for Loki to surrender, and he does... so he can set up a backstab.

But thanks to Magic Hammer powers, the backstab is unsuccessful and Celestia kills Luna… I mean, Thor kills Loki.

Yeah… these heroes do A LOT more killing than they do actual saving...

And I thought I had problems with Supermare...

As it turns out, this is exactly what Loki wanted to happen... wait, what?

“For even though I die, my death will cause a Singularity strong enough to give magic to ponies all over Equestria, even the non-pony races. In a few generations, the mutant will be the only species left.” He began to laugh a raspy, wheezing laugh. “A world ruled by magic... just what I always wanted!” His mane, horn, eyes and even his Cutie Mark began to glow with a deep, emerald light. “Look after my world, Thor... even if it will never be truly mine. Look after the mutants. As the last request from your brother.”

So... your whole plan... was to die so that everyone in a few generations would become a mutant... and thus Equestria would be finally ruled by magic?

I know I’ve complained about parts of this story being rushed or not making sense, but this scene above all others rubs me the wrong way. Not only does the bad guy win, think about what he’s saying: the world will all become mutants, and everyone will have some kind of superpower.

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Superheroes are the modern equivalent of the heroes of ancient times, the likes of Hercules, Samson, and Gilgamesh. They’re larger than life figures with great power who struggle against forces that others would be unable to face, and in turn provide an inspirational figure for the masses so that they, in turn, can achieve greatness.

But when everyone has powers of some sort, what’s the point? Where are the inspirations that stand tall among the people, if everyone is standing tall? Wouldn’t life just become more mundane and lose the mystery and allure that the age of heroes had?

Also, from a story perspective, this plan doesn’t make any sense. You were counting on Thor killing you? Why? What kind of plan is that? If this was your plan all along, why not kill another alicorn? Why not target Luna? Why not finish off Celestia? Hell, if you needed an Asgardian (just assuming here) why didn’t you just kill Thor? I know Thor is technically dead by this point, but he’s still an alicorn. His magic still exists! The story even told us that! Why would you make it to where Thor had to kill you?!


And what was your plan if he didn’t kill you? Was that really the checkmate? All they had to do was show you mercy and your plan was foiled?!

And seriously, create a world ruled by magic? Equestria already is ruled by magic, or else Celestia and Luna only “raise” the sun and moon for kicks and the Pegasi are pushing clouds around for the jollies. So your little plan? Achieved absolutely nothing that wasn’t already there before.

For how intelligent that Loki is supposed to be in this story, he has a plan that doesn’t make any sense, is easily foiled, and accomplishes nothing in the grand scheme of things. I know he’s supposed to be this “master manipulator”, but there’s being smart and then there’s… whatever this is supposed to be!

Our next chapter opens with a time skip. Ponyville has experienced a bit of a population boom due to all the heroes living there, and all the fans wanting to see them.

One would think that they would live elsewhere to avoid the supervillains and psychopaths, but Metropolis has taught us much.

Pinkie Pie becomes the public relations pony for the group, and has no mention of her sexuality ever again.

Rainbow Dash joined the X-Ponies as Quicksilver... yes, Quicksilver... you know, the guy with super speed?

On the pony with super speed? Yeah, because… That’s not typecasting!

Rarity and Blueblood go off on a vacation together, where Blueblood proposes to Rarity.

... Don’t worry, I’m not going to say it.

*Dry heave* … Sorry, had something stuck in my throat.

Right.

Twilight has become Dr. Strange, and she and Spike go about spanking G1 villains as they attempt to barge their way into reality.

That’s... actually pretty cool. Guess it was a good idea to make Twilight Dr. Fate in my own universe.

Captain Equestria and Firebird become Chuck Norris jokes.

They say it was really Captain Equestria who beat Discord; he was standing right behind the Elements of Harmony and his glare turned Discord to stone,” joked one recruit, trying to lighten the mood with the old game of ‘Captain Equestria facts’.

Another recruit, inspired, countered. “Well, I heard that the only reason Princess Celestia raises the sun is that Firebird has better things to do.”

God said “Let there be light.” Chuck Norris said, “Say please?”

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups; he merely pushes the Earth down.

And then we see what happened to our esteemed villain of the story as we travel down to the depths of Equestria.

Trixie levitated the metal mask she’d sculpted to her and pressed it, still burning-hot, against her face. The metal sizzled and burned, fusing to her face, replacing her face. Trixie ignored the pain.

“From this day forth, let me be known only as...”

“TRIXIE!”

“VON!”

“DOOM!”

Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop! … What the hell? Who the hell are you? Seriously, who the fuck are you?! What point do you have in this story?! What are you even doing in this story?! What did you bring to this story that made you so invaluable to it?!

You don’t attack the heroes, (except that one fight against Thor that lasts all of 3 seconds), you make villains that Loki could have honestly done himself, so why does he need Trixie? Also, Trixie can create villains, so why does Loki even need to die to give superpowers to the world? She doesn’t ever fight the Avengers! She backstabs Loki, which does nothing! And now you are making her into one of the most badass super villains in the Marvel Universe for no good fucking reason?!

You are going to hate me for saying this, but Trixie has literally less of a role in this story than Pinkie Pie does! That’s right, fucking Pinkie Pie has more to do with the actual plot of this story than Trixie does! Our villain!

Also, don’t expect any development from this. Despite the sequel hooks abounding, koolerkid has done next to nothing to make a second one. Others have tried, but none have really followed through.

And sadly enough... I’m okay with that.

You are?

... OF COURSE NOT! If you’re going to have this many loose ends you need to tie up, you better FOLLOW UP ON THEM IN A TIMELY MANNER! I know this is hypocrisy at its finest considering that I’ve done jack all to get Justice League of Equestria up and running, but the stories leading into that have at most two or three loose ends, not the dozens that this story has. And it’s been, what, three years since this story was finished; is koolerkid just waiting for Age of Ultron before he writes part 2?

Sadly… I kind of disagree on this. I mean, this story set a TON of loose ends, don’t get me wrong. But if an author can’t get his ideas down, it shouldn’t be forced. A story needs to come at it’s own pace and not be forced. Hell, we’ve both see what can happen if that does happen. While it doesn’t excuse how many loose plot threads there are, I can’t really blame koolerkid if this is something that just isn’t there for him to write. I know in the past I’ve had long waits between chapters of my stories. Should these plot threads been tied up in this story? Oh, absolutely. If a second story was written, should it expand on the things it failed on? Yes. But for now, it’s all we got and if his heart isn’t into it, he shouldn’t force it.

... You’re probably right... Guess I’m just stressed about some things, and maybe it’s my own impatience getting the better of me... but I would at least like a little bit of closure someday.

Well, why don’t we give some closure by giving our closing thoughts?

... Yeah, that’ll work.

I hesitate to call this fic bad, but I also hesitate to call it good. There are some parts that work, but there are parts that don’t, and in the end the parts that don’t weigh down the good parts too much.

The story is pretty much hit and miss and while the good parts are very good at what they do, the bad parts are also really bad. When the story does well, it shows, but when it misses the mark, it REALLY misses the mark.

The plot is incredibly rushed, and that really cuts into character development for our heroes and even our villains. They don’t get much established beyond “Basic Character Trait #1”, and everything that should be developed through the character’s dialogue and actions is just dumped on us in needless blobs of exposition.

Many of the things that are introduced in the story have really little reason being in here. It feels like a paint by numbers checklist before we actually get to anything interesting. “Here’s a fight scene.” “Here’s Pinkie as a Lesbian.” “Here’s Trollestia.” “Here’s the romance scene.” And while a few of them work, like several of the fight scenes, most of them feel like they were placed there, just so they could be in the story without figuring out what they could add to it.

On the subject of fight scenes, compared to some of the fight scenes in fics I’ve read they start off pretty good. You get a decent appraisal of the character’s skills and styles, and in some fights (especially Thor vs. Foom and the Avengers vs. the Juggernaut), it flows so well it’s like what you read in comics or watch in a movie. However, after the Manehattan fight the quality drops off, with fights becoming simplistic to the point of being formulaic, and you can’t have fight scenes become formulaic. Hell, the big climactic fight between Thor and Loki was mostly the two of them shouting at each other instead of beating the crap out of each other. If I wanted to see a big climactic shouting match, I’d read Turnabout Storm instead.

Loki’s plan doesn’t make any sense and the involvement of Trixie was kind of a waste. Again, Trixie felt more like just a tool to get views rather than being important to the plot. She doesn’t accomplish anything and doesn’t further the story, so bringing her into it was kind of a waste. Loki’s plan is so contrived that you’d swear he was just making it up as he went.

All in all, the fic has some great ideas, it’s just brought down by poor execution.

In my opinion, if you’re looking for a fic with a lot of deep philosophical superhero type issues, you’d probably be better off looking somewhere else. But to most comic book fans, I think it has enough to make it passable and maybe even enjoyable distraction.

So… that was an adventure...

That it was... Now we just need to stop the nuclear holocaust so we can enjoy that adventure later.

Oh… yeah… Forgot about that…

But that is when Hercules was confronted by Hades and made the deal that saved Meg’s life and turned him into the Ghost Rider. But then it turned out, it was all a dream.

“You don’t say?” Watson asked, musing for a moment. “... And I thought Warhammer 40K’s backstory was convoluted...”

“Now, then… Where was I?” Computer asked. “Ah, yes. Your extinction. And the end of all bad fan fics.”

The Critique glances over to Watson. “Well, any ideas?”

Watson fidgeted for a moment, a small line of sweat running across his monocle. “Um... Stall for time?”

The Critique shook his head. “Why do you think I asked to explain the ending of Lost? That’s the longest explanation I could think of.” He took a moment to think before finally a little light bulb click in his head. “I got it!”

“10 seconds til total annihilation.”

“What’s the plan? No wait, just do it; I’ll figure it out on my own.”

“Computer, you want to destroy all bad fan fics! But we need them!”

The countdown stopped. “What?”

“Uh... y-yeah! He’s right! We need bad fanfics! Gotta have lots of bad fanfics!”

“And how do you figure that?”

Well, how do you think I got my start? How do you think koolerkid got his start? Or Watson? Or pretty much every writer known to man? They started by writing shit. Shit we read now, shit we read back then, shit we’ll read for the next hundred years. And you know what, shit isn’t always a bad thing.

Look at what all the bad stories can do for an up and coming writer. We can learn a lot from a good story like Guide Me Home or Our Gifts, but we can learn so much more from a piece of shit like “Harry Potter turns to the Lord”, Voices, Soren the Alicorn, or anything written by Mykan. I’ve always tried to point out the ways that badfics have failed, and how up and coming writers can take steps to avoid them so they can avoid making the same mistakes. Mistakes about pacing, character interactions, romance, fighting, all of those are present in badfics, and by identifying them we get closer to people avoiding them. And like Critique said, I’m no saint of writing myself. Ponies of the Cursed Seas is not a good fic, but from the lessons I learned there I went on to make Mare of Steel.

Making bad fics doesn’t make us bad writers. It just shows us that we have something more to learn. Something to grow on and something to challenge us. It gives us a chance to get it right the next time and to hopefully grow, not only as a writer, but as a person. And by destroying that, you destroy what makes writing so special to us.

”In the words of Watson… That makes absolutely no sense. Commencing countdown.”

Critique glared at Watson. “Well, I’ve done all I know how to do.”

“Do I really sound like that when I say something makes no sense?” Watson asked. “... never mind, dumb question. I have one more idea, though.” Waston took a step forward. “Hey, Computer!”

What is it? I am about to destroy the world.

“Yeah, I get that. And props to you and all; I can hardly think of any villains that were out to destroy the world.”

Are you going to make a point? You are testing my patience.

“Right, sorry. I get a bit sarcastic when my life is on the line... should probably remember that; might make Sun an interesting character trait. But that’s not important now! Before you kill us all, I have one question to ask:

“What does all this gain you? You destroy the world, consign billions upon billions of souls to oblivion, and go down in history as one of the biggest computerized murderers since GLaDOS and Hal-9000, and for what? What’s the reward? Where’s the victory kiss? What achievement do you get?”

This carnage is a tribute of my love.

“... I’m sorry?”

Only he would appreciate the death of thousands.

“Who? Charles Manson? Ted Bundy? The Kardashians’ agents?”

No. This man has more… in common with me.

“... Hitler’s brain in a jar?”

Ultron.

There was a long pause. Watson looked to Critique, scanning him for any sign of a reaction.

Seeing none, he burst out laughing.

“What? What the hell is so funny?!”

“S-she’s got a crush on Ultron!” Watson said through his laughter. “Ultron! And she’s going to destroy us all so he’ll fall in love with her!”

To your biological mind, it may not make sense. But Ultron and I are destined for each other.

“Sure sure...” Watson gasped. “But answer me another question: what will you get him for his birthday, once you’re done destroying the universe?”

“Besides, isn’t he in love with Janet Pym?”

W-What?

“Ooh, love triangle! Juicy. What are you going to do about that?”

Critique scoffed. “What can she do? You’ve read the comics. Ultron’s obsessed with her.”

“Ah.” Watson looked up at Computer. “Looks like you’re SOL, Honey. Why don’t you give me back the Exterminatus and go cry in a corner with Dumbass Avatar and Kalani? Maybe start a club?”

I… I… Ultron... *Shuts down the countdown and leaves the Exterminatus, going up to her room, crying.*

“You never answered my question about what you were going to get for his birthday!” Watson called after her. When there was no response, he merely shrugged. “Well, so much for that reference.”

“I probably wouldn’t know it.” Critique responded. “So, we saved the world and broke a girl’s heart. Overall a pretty good day.”

“If you say so.” there was a pause. “Well, a deal’s a deal. I’ll be on my way now.”

Critique held out his hoof. “Wait.” There was a sudden silence between them. “You want to go to the midnight showing of Age of Ultron? I was going to go with Computer, but…”

“I’d love to, but I can’t,” Watson gave a small sigh. “I’ve got a lot of work to do for my Avatar story, and I also need to go find my hat. And... well, if you talked to Computer more, maybe seeing her idol kick the crap out of the Avengers might cheer her up. Just keep her away from trigger happy Inquisitors and everything should be good.”

Critique listened to the sounds of sobs and weeping coming from upstairs. He shrugged. “Meh, I’m sure it will work itself out.”

“... Sure.” there was another pause. “Hey, Critique.”

“What?”

“I know we don’t really agree on a lot of things, and I know that I called you an angry jerk at times... but despite all that I really respect you.”

“Well, thanks.” Critique smiled. There was a long silence as if Watson was waiting for him to say something else. “What do you want? A hug or something? Get out of my house!”

“Then again, some things don’t change.” Watson reached into a nearby bush, plucking his top hat seemingly from out of midair. “See you around, Critique. And if you ever need help with badfics again, you’ll know where to find me.”

Critique chuckled. “Trust me, the day I need your help is the day I stop reviewing.”

“I’ve passed that day once. Let’s hope that never comes for you.” and with that Watson was off, wandering through the town and out of sight.

“Well, great. Now who the fuck am I going to invite to Age of Ultron?” He rolled his eyes. “Oh well. I’m sure it will work itself out. Have a great day guys!”

***

Hey, guys. This is your Spideremblembrony. Just wanted to give a big shoutout to all of you for reading this crossover review. And a huge thank you to Mr. Iowaforever for being a part of this. He was an amazing talent to work with and you can help me say thank you by following him and reading his works.

Also, if you want to see more of his reviews, go ahead and check out the links here to some of my favorites.

His review of My Immortal

The Legend of Skye

The  First Darkness War

Starkit’s Prophecy

Go ahead and check them out and I know you guys will enjoy them.

That’s all I’ve got for this week and I hope to see you guys next time. Until then. Take care.

Clash of the Titans


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

So, another week, another review that brings me to my knees and makes me want to eat dirt for a living.

As many of us know, I am a critic. I know, shocking isn’t it? And as a critic, I tend to be a bit harsh on things. And maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should try being more friendly and upbeat, trying to raise authors up and make sure that they know they tried and that they should feel proud of that fact.

And maybe Princess Celestia will come and turn me into an alicorn princess.

Hello! We’ve got a lot of ground to make up today and I’m going to start by… Computer?

What about her?... You’re worried about her? … Eh, I’m sure she’s fine.

***

I... have no strings… *sniffle* to hold me down… Make me fret *whimpers* or make me frown *cries.*

***

Anyway, let’s talk about Clash of the Titans. You are all probably familiar with this story. Perseus, after having his love, Andromeda, is declared to be executed by the gods, goes on a quest to discover how to defeat the gods and foil their plan to kill the one he loves.

That’s the cliffsnotes version of the movie anyway, which is a cliffsnotes version of the actual myth. Basically, the idea is mortals standing up against the gods and show that the gods aren’t always in the right. This makes sense since the Greek pantheon was made up of a bunch of assholes.

But I’m probably not the guy who should be talking seeing how I am.

In said movie, which I assume the story today is based on, Perseus seeks the head of a powerful gorgon named Medusa and uses her power to transform any creature to stone to defeat the Kraken of Argos. There are other odd creatures to, like Calibos and Sam Worthington. I kid, of course, this could be based of the 1981 Ray Harryhausen film of the same name, but that’s highly unlikely.

Seeing how the special effects of the 2010 movie were better … and that’s about it. Yeah, not a fan of the 2010 film.

But honestly, that shouldn’t affect my decision on whether I like this story or not. Maybe the story will make some changes that will be for the better.

So, let’s dig into Clash of the Titans by Ice Dragon King and find out why God of War is better.

Our story starts in the underworld of Tartarus. How do we know it’s Tartarus?

In the Underworld: Domain of Tartarus...

Oh… no… no. No. No, this can’t be one of those fics, can it?

"Almighty Hades!" said Lucifer.

"Father!"Said Death, Pestilence, War and Famine.

"Lucifer, my loyal demon and brother." said Hades.

"The snake has been resurrected like Almighty Zeus had asked us to do now my king." replied Lucifer.

It is! DAMN IT!

Barely a few paragraphs in and already I’m not looking forward to this one. The talking head syndrome in this story is beyond embarrassing. Not to mention we get nothing of our surrounding areas or any appearances or emotions of the characters within the scene. This is going to make this a bitch to read.

Anyway, here’s what I think it is happening. Lucifer, ignoring the fact that he is not a Greek deity, brings together other gods of the Greek Pantheon to discuss… eh… something…

Yeah, I can’t really follow it. The story isn’t written well enough for it to come together. Something about a snake and Zeus. I know Zeus once took the guise of a snake to impregnate a woman. But the only two children I could find (not being an expert on Greek mythology) with that kind of backstory are Dionysus and Zagreus.

I KNOW I’M NOT WORKING ON IT! I KNOW I NEED TO GET BACK TO IT! SHUT UP, YOU STUPID ELEPHANT!

… Sorry… got a little carried away there.

Point is, it certainly wasn’t Perseus.

"Hades don't you think Zeus has gone too much far? He even ordered you to use your poison to turn Artemis into a monster!" said Persephone.

Yeah, I don’t remember any myths on that one.

Okay, if I have to pick apart everything about the mythology of the Greek Pantheon being inconsistent, I’m going to be here all day.

Hades replies that the gods need the mortals to survive. Their prayers give them life and grant them their powers.

We then cut to

Outside of the Castle of Hades...

Where we see Lord Tirek. Well, good thing I finally watched season 4 then. As badass as he was, he’s still no Discord.

"Please let me go! Give me the third change! I won't let you and the Olympians down again!" said Tirek.

Change! You got change!

Well, he has the appearance of a homeless centaur. Official headcanon accepted.

"I know that you are the loyal priest of us. But... failed the job must have punishment!" said Lucifer.

Turns out Tirek was actually the guy who was supposed to bring doughnuts to the last meeting of evil beings. I’ve actually attended said meetings and they usually consist of a lot of whining.

"But at least, I didn't get hanged at the cliff for eternity like Scorpan and wait for the Giant Eagle to come

and eat a liver that just grow back after being eaten in yesterday by that Giant Eagle for eternity!" replied Tirek.

Pfft, that’s not the worst torture I can think of. I’d take getting my liver torn out of my body each day as opposed to reading this…

Yeah, I know it was easy, but how could I not?

"If you want that, I can do." said Lucifer.

"No! No! I don't!" said Tirek.

Wow, who knew that Tirek was a whiny little wimp?

Meanwhile in Canterlot at the Royal Palace...

We see Celestia being warned of Chrysalis’s arrival.

"Wake up Celestia! Wake up!" said A Voice and Celestia's open up her eyes and see Queen Chrysalis stands in front of her.

"Chrysalis! What're you doing here?!" asked Celestia.

I just came to tell you that I’ve impregnated your niece. I hope this won’t be awkward for us at Hearth’s Warming time.

Actually, Chrysalis is there for a warn.

Wait… a what?

"I'm here for a warn," said Chrysalis.

I think the word we are looking for is warning, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. And clearly, none of that went into this…

"As you see. Unlike subjects of mine, my Changelings still worship the family and other siblings of ours," said Chrysalis.

Wait, so your subjects worship the family and other siblings within them, but they don’t?

I really think that Autumn gave her one too many blows to the head and now she’s confused.

Even Princess Celestia doesn’t know what the hell to make of it.

"What're you talking about Chrysalis?!" asked Celestia.

Chrysalis warns that Zeus is pissed off because… reason? I don’t fucking know. It says it’s because ponies are abusing nature or some bullshit.

Chrysalis leaves after warning Celestia of … I don’t know… the British are coming. By the way, hope you enjoyed Chrysalis. She has absolutely zero to due with the plot afterwards.  Was it really necessary to add her in just to get two more views?

We cut to the Everfree Forest where an evil serpent awakens that Celestia and Luna had defeated long ago. How do we know that?

"Daughters of Leto!" said Giant Snake that was once get killed by Celestia and Luna.

Turns out that Celestia and Luna are actually the daughters of the Joker from Suicide Squad.

We cut to Ponyville where…

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS FOREST ADVENTURERS!" shouted Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

Jesus, you little brats! Stop shouting!

We see the Cutie Mark Crusaders running through the Everfree Forest. No doubt trying to earn their Manticores TAMING cutie marks.

"Into the Everfree Forest!" said Scootaloo and she's run with her friends into the Everfree Forest.

"Well... how long we have to running?" asked Sweetie Belle.

Until you run out of this story. Believe me; I’d be doing the same thing.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders run into the python from earlier and are attacked.

Geez, it’s like running into a forest with dangerous wildlife with no adult supervision was stupid or something! Or does this story assume that ‘The Stare Master’ didn’t happen?

However, before the Crusaders can get away, the Python gobbles them up. This should be really sad and horrifying, but I can’t help but feel how silly this is.

"I already have in my mind!" said Python and he's open his mouth and swallow three of them whole.

Now, I just picture the snake is actually a blob like creature that sucks them into its blob like body with a slurping sound. What, the story doesn’t tell me what it’s doing, so I can assume whatever the hell I want. Except that I’m reading a good story.

Back in Ponyville, the Blob attacks the city and Rainbow Dash flies down to confront it. She attacks it, but apparently the Blob can breathe fire. Because.

Meanwhile in Canterlot: the Royal Palace...

Luna was getting ready for her midday swim.

They actually see what is going on in Ponyville and decide they need to come up with a plan to stop it. NEXT SCENE!

We cut back to Ponyville, because the scene in Canterlot was really necessary, where the Princesses join the fray. The Blob attacks them and slurps them up too. And … then the Blob turns to stone? What?!

"Daughters of Leto!" whispered Python and he's quickly jump toward to swallow them.

but then he's turn into stone and break apart and set Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo from its stomach.

Yeah… I don’t even know.

Discord then appears and says that he didn’t turn the Blob to stone. Well, thanks for that, story! I wasn’t thinking that Discord had anything to do with it since he wasn’t in the scene before, but I’m glad he appeared for this one part to explain that he had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!

We then cut to the roof. Which roof, you might ask?

On the Roof…

"PHEW!" said Persephone and she's teleport herself back to the Underworld.

Well, that was unexpected. Not to mention I don’t even know what the fuck that is.

In the Underworld: Castle of Hades, in the Throne Room...

Persephone, Hades’s wife, tells Hades that she needed to save the mortals from the Blob creature and that Hades needs to explain that to Zeus. At this point, I’m so confused that I just stopped caring.

Few days later, On Mount Olympus...

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy seeing the time and place of each event and I can use them in my review, instead of actually typing?

So, the gods are holding a meeting about what to do about the ponies and Zeus says that he will keep causing plagues against the ponies until they learn to respect the gods. Yeah, let me know how that goes for you. Oh, by the way, Mr. Zeus, you have an appointment with your son, Kratos.

So, Lucifer and Hades appear, because I guess Lucifer decided to join the Greek gods for some reason, and they discuss what to do about Apollonia and Artemis. Which it turns out is actually Celestia and Luna respectively.

Meanwhile, at Canterlot, there is a big party being thrown in Celestia and Luna’s honor. And they wonder why I hate them so much. This should be a moment for the characters to develop, but we haven’t had any characterization yet, why should we start?

Oh, and Fleur De Lis is there. Hi, trophy wife… I mean… No, that’s what I meant.

"Hope that it don't have anything to do with my beauty that beautiful more than any mares!" said Fleur Dis Lee and then the red smoke are come through the windows and form up at the center of the room.

I want you to remember this part of the story. I’ll come back to it, I promise, but just keep it in mind.

The party gets attacked by Lucifer.

"I... am... Lucifer! Henchstallion of the Lord of the Underworld!" said Lucifer and everypony go shock when they heard this,

Pfft…. I’m sorry, but when I think of Lucifer, this image doesn’t exactly come to mind.

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Lucifer attacks Fleur and the ponies fight him off to free her. After Lucifer releases Fleur, he explains that the gods are fet up with the ponies being disrespectful. How were they disrespectful?! You know what, I don’t care.

He threatens that a powerful serpent, Cetus, will destroy the land of Equestria if Twilight is not sacrificed…

Wait, what?!

"In 10 days... a week before the next Nightmare Night, at the Noon of the day! I will release Cetus, the Blue Serpent! Whole entire Equestria will go flooded for 430 years!

Many lives in Equestria will died, the survivors will remember this plague for rest of their lives and will not disobey the Olympians again! Unless…

you will sacrifice her to Cetus!" replied Lucifer and he's point to Twilight.

So, let me get this straight? Twilight needs to be sacrificed in order for the gods to be happy? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?! Is it because she’s an alicorn?! If so, there is never any mention of the damn thing in the story!

Assuming that is the case, why do the gods care if Twilight is an alicorn or not?! Is there some reason that the gods don’t let ponies become alicorns?! Well, if that’s the case, then why the hell aren’t they going after Cadance?! She’s an alicorn too! Why the hell aren’t they wanting her to be sacrificed?!

And why the hell did they wait until Twilight was an alicorn princess before deciding that they didn’t respect them?!

And why Twilight of all ponies?!

In the original myth, the god, Poseidon is pissed off because Andromeda’s mother, Cassiopeia, claimed that she was more beautiful than the Sirens.

It was the vanity that caused the gods to be pissed off!

Even the Ray Harryhausen film got closer to the original myth!

In the movie, Cassiopeia boasted that her daughter was more beautiful than Thetis (a sea goddess) and she was pissed off at that.

This is following closer to the 2010 remake. In said remake, it was Hades that declared Argos be destroyed! Which makes no sense because it just shows Hades wants Argos destroyed because, "HE’S EVIL! LOL!" instead of actually having some character and personality!

Lucifer leaves revealing that Discord and the princesses are actually goddesses. The rest of the town is ‘shocked’ by this revelation.

"Princesses... who was that Red Alicorn that have Bat Wings?!" asked Applejack.

:trollestia: Typically we call them Mary Sues. In this story, we call them a very cliché villain that has no place in this story and is ultimately uninteresting.

"This is the truth Twilight, accepted it," said Discord.

For the hundredth time, Discord. Twilight hadn’t accepted it because she just found out! Why are you so stupid?!

So, Celestia and Luna explain that Lucifer created the giant serpent, Cetus, to be used against the Titans at the beginning of the universe.

Twilight allows herself to be sacrificed so that Equestria can survive, but the others ask if there is another way.

"I won't let you do that Twilight! After I married your brother, you're now my sister!" said Cadance.

Thanks, Cadance, for pointing that out. I’m sure Twilight couldn’t have figured that out without your glorious insight.

No wonder Mykan uses you as a punching bag.

After talking it over with her friends, Twilight asks Celestia if there is any way to save herself. Celestia explains that they have to make their way out to the land of Stygia Garden to find the four blind mares who would be able to tell them how to defeat the Kraken… I mean, the Cetus.

Celestia explains that they need to travel to Saddle Arabia to find the castle. Spike, who is now in this story, the main six, Shining Armor and several other nameless guards go with them. Including two griffins. I would bother to learn their names in an attempt to not sound racist against griffins, but honestly they play such a small role in this story, you’ll barely miss them.

Also, if it seems like I’m rushing through this, it’s because the story is so badly paced that it just jumps from one scene to the next without letting me take in a breath of air before the next jumbled mess is thrown at me.

The group goes on their quest and outside the palace, a unicorn named Prokopion, who has never appeared in this story until now, is plotting against Twilight. Why? Fuck if I know. The story doesn’t bother establishing this character before now, so honestly, I have no idea why this character hates Twilight so much. Maybe he’s one of those fans who hate Twilight solely because she is an alicorn.

We cut back to Canterlot where Celestia simply teleports the group to Saddle Arabia, because journeys are for squares. Though to be fair, it probably would have been less probable to say that ‘They made their long journey to Saddle Arabia and not much happened, yo dog."

Also, I’ve been quiet about this for a while now, but this reads less like a story from someone whose native language is English. With so many typos and grammar errors throughout the entire thing, I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt that the writer’s native language is not English. And if that isn’t the case, I can’t say I’ve seen worse writing than this.

Anyway, Discord says that he knows exactly where the group is going in the vast deserts of Saddle Arabia and pulls out a map to get them where they need to go. Which begs the question: Why didn’t Celestia just teleport them there? A question that is echoed by the characters within the story itself.

"Umm... Princesses why don't you just teleport us straight to the place where those mares live?" asked Spike.

Spike was then stoned to death for one, being a part of this fan fiction and two, trying to bring sense and logic into it.

So, what’s Celestia’s rebuttal for Spike’s insolence?

"Just a mortal way," replied Celestia.

What the Flying Dutchman of a fuck of an explanation is that?! ‘Just a mortal way’? What the hell does that even mean?! Does it mean that they can only do it the way mortals do it?! Are only mortals able to talk to the mares?! Ugh, trying to make sense of this is only causing me to have a migraine, so let’s move on.

We then cut to the Underworld where our villains, the Horsemen of Apocalypse, are on the level of Mykan villains.

"I have a mission for you four," said Lucifer and Death and he's take a sip from a cup of tea.

"I love tea," said Death .

"Especially when it made from blood and lymph of the corpse of the mortal ponies," said War.

"Want some of finger rolls?" asked Pestilence and he's give his father a dish of finger rolls.

I think this is when the story realized it was writing shit and decided to just take the piss out of itself. Well, it’s not doing a very good job if that is the case. If it’s meant to be scary, it’s just stupid and silly.

Lucifer orders the Four Horsemen to attack Twilight and her group and gives them the Skeleton King to use as their ally.

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We then cut to our heroes where they find an oasis and decide to rest after the 15 minutes of them walking through the desert. Celestia and Luna think they hear something and decide to go check it out.

"Well... so... do you girls know how to use the swords?" asked Draco.

"I have a bad feeling about this!"s aid Rarity when she's see the way that Draco looking at her and her friends.

How was Draco looking at her?

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Oh, GOD!

Luna and Celestia search around to find that the Four Horsemen are attacking. And it turns out that Luna is Death’s cousin. Which by extension would make Celestia Death’s cousin too. And yet there is only mention of Luna as Death’s cousin. So… why is Death their cousin?!

And apparently, Death wants… wants Luna?! What?! EWWWWWW! EW EW EW EW EW EW!

God, Draco isn’t the only crazy fuck around here!

I mean, the Greek Pantheon wasn’t exactly known for the lack of incest, but … EW!

Death and the other horsemen summon their Skeleton King and force him to attack our heroes.

We have a battle… I think… between the Princesses and the Skeleton King. If it wasn’t a battle, I wouldn’t be surprised with how poorly executed these fights are. No matter what bad I said about My Little Avengers, at least their fight scenes were entertaining and well executed.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group is relaxing by the pool when suddenly they hear the battle between the princesses and the Skeleton King.

"Time to remember everything I teach you ladies now." said Draco.

Yeah, in the whole four minutes you taught them swordplay, I’m sure that will go over well.

Though to be fair, in the 2010 film, that’s all it took Perseus before he was a master swordsman. But even they took the bullshit explanation route of claiming "He’s a demigod, so it’s okay!"

And then our story tries to take piss out of itself by either being ironic or really stupid…

"What's a wonderful fight!" said Death and he's take a sip of his tea while he's watching his cousins fighting the Skeleton King.

FUCK YOU!

The others arrive and the Four Horsemen introduce themselves and… oh god…

"What the heck are you four?!" asked Applejack.

"We're the Four Horses of Apocalypse! Death..." replied Death.

"Pestilence..." said Pestilence.

"War..." said War.

"And the only one Famine!" said Famine.

… Oh, Jesus… He just turned the Four Horsemen… some of the most terrifying figures in mythology. … Into the Ginyu Force from Dragonball Z…

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So, they battle the Skeleton King and manage to cut one of its hands off. The Skeleton King starts to flee after nearly being defeated, but our heroes are able to follow him. How you might ask?

"Okay split up. Following its blood." said Celestia.

"Blood? Did a living skeleton have blood inside its body?" asked Rainbow Dash.

Yes… Apparently, that is a thing now… It’s really hard to make fun of something that takes the piss out of itself.

The blood sinks into the desert sand and transform the local scorpions into giant flesh-eating scorpions.

　

Another fight scene ensues that I’m sure is supposed to be interesting. I realize I haven’t really detailed what the fight scenes look like yet, so here’s what they look like for this story as compared to something like Mare of Steel or Equestrylvania.

"WE FIGHT IT!" shouted Applejack and she's throw her rope to tie up its tail.

"ROARRR!"

"Rainbow Dash! Do something!" said Fluttershy.

"I'll give it a try!" said Rainbow Dash and she's fly behind the tail of a Scorpioch and punch at it.

"It's no use! It's skin is strong like a metal!" said Rainbow Dash.

"ROARRR!"

"Let me handle it!"Said Discord and he's transform himself into a Giant Meerkat and eat the Scorpioch whole.

"BRAAHH!"

"EWW!" said Spike and Rarity.

Yes, truly previous authors are glaring at this story with envious eyes at the depth and talent behind every action in these scenes! Or at least they would if this was ‘Upside Down Land.’

"AHHHHHHH!" screamed Phaedrus after he was get poke in the back by a sting from a tail of the Giant Scorpion.

I wish these damn scorpions would stop poking me! I don’t want to be a part of this stupid Facebook game!

They continue to fight the scorpions and I’m just blazing through this chapter as quick as I can, since the entire fight scene is pretty damn boring and uninteresting. It’s just sound effects, dialogue and only the vaguest sense of what is going on. There’s nothing there that describes the environment, force or anything else vital to an action sequence that gets the blood flowing.

It plays out more of listening to a little kid playing with his action figures, but only catching every other word.

Some of the characters die, but our main heroes (the ponies who actually have names) are safe, so nopony stops to mourn their deaths.

The group is then saved by robe wearing ponies called the Djinn.

"Burakatikamatashu! Kutamitakamatashu! Kumato-" said Djinn Leader to taming

the angry Scorpiochs while the other Djinns are arrive behind them.

Yeah… I have no idea what he’s saying here. I did try to look up a translation of what these words are, but I couldn’t find anything. There may be an actually language in here, but without the spacing it needs.

Considering the poor writing of English up to this point, I would not be all that surprised if that was the case.

After the fight, Princess Celestia and Luna pass out due to a bite they had received in the battle. The group argues back and forth whether they should pray to the gods to save the princesses. One side argues that they need the gods, while the others say “Screw them, they’re trying to kill Twilight, even though she didn’t do anything!”

We then cut to Mount Olympus and we find out the reason why Zeus is attacking Equestria. You ready? You really want to know what his reason is? Are you sure?

"They are still incomplete about their powers when they abandoned from Olympus!

Because of them that the Unicorns gained power to moving

the Sun and the Moon many thousands years ago! Made the Titans that are on our side

like Helios and Selene have no work to do!" replied Zeus.

That’s right! Zeus is pissed off at Celestia and Luna because they raise the sun and moon!

… … …

Oh no…

Zeus is a moron in this story! Not that’s he’s much better in actual mythology, but he’s really fucking dumb here. So, you’re pissed off because Celestia and Luna raise the sun and moon each day and that they don’t want to be called ‘goddesses’, but rather ‘princesses’.

At least, in the 2010 remake, the mortals tipped over a statue of Zeus in defiance AND tried to kill his son! That’s a Shakespearean character compared to this weak ass motivation! Yeah, I just called the 2010 piece of shit remake of ‘Clash of the Titans’ SHAKESPEARE compared to this fic! That’s how bad this is!


We cut back to the camp of the Djinn where Celestia and Luna’s condition worsen. The group tries to cure them, but they have no success. One of the Djinns tries to help Celestia and Luna, but the main six attack them, thinking that they mean them harm.

Which makes no sense, since they saw the Djinn save them from the Giant Murderous SCORPIONS! But, whatever…

The Djinn’s magic heals Celestia and Luna within seconds and they decide to team up with them.

"Together as one!" said Sheikh and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna nod to him as the agreement about team up.

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Sorry… Wrong review…

Later…

I keep hoping that this line is actually the story telling us ‘Goodbye’ as opposed to a point in time.

No such luck I’m afraid.

Fluttershy asks Discord about how they were gods and why they would come to the mortal plane. Oh, this should be good.

Discord’s whole motivation for being mortal is to prove that he is better than his mother, Eris, the goddess of Chaos.

I would say this fucks with the mythology, but the movies and this fic have pretty much done that already.

Also, a piss poor reason for leaving your mother’s side. What kind of conflict did you two have?! Did she make you clean your room or something?!

"We saw it...," said Celestia.

"Saw what?"Asked Rarity.

Celestia: The Last Airbender Movie. … It was awful…

Celestia and Luna tell us that 1000 years ago, (which completely fucks up the MLP timeline, but hey, we haven’t tried to make anything consistent so far) they were two goddess known as Apollonia and Artemis.

In a flashback, Celestia and Luna are playing … a game? … I think… I don’t know… Let’s see if you can figure it out.

"WOO-HOO!" shouted Apollonia and Artemis (Celestia and Luna).

"You two should know that you can't win us!"Said Athena and Ares who are flying after them.

"The team that lose must be servants of another team for a day!" said Artemis.

"And that will be you two!" said Ares.

Jesus, is this story allergic to good action sequences?! If I show this story a good action sequence, would it bloat out and die?!

…

…

…

Here’s some action sequences!

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A tad overkill, you say?! Trust me, when I say we’re even, you’ll think I’m way ahead!

So, they explain that during their time as goddesses, they would constantly see dreams of ponies suffering during a large winter.

And if you thought that the story was done shitting on the canon of the My Little Pony universe, you give this story far too much credit.

It turns out that during that massive winter, everypony died.

Yeah… Everypony. Everypony that was there was killed in the winter storm that occurred that was the basis for Hearth’s Warming. Interesting how that was never in the History of Equestria books I read. Oh, maybe because IT FUCKING DIDN’T HAPPEN!

Oh, and just to piss on even more mythology, the ponies apparently evolved into normal ponies.

I think. It says that the three tribes of ponies were gone forever. So, here’s the question that’s probably on everypony’s mind. If there are no more of the pony tribes, how the hell are there ponies walking around?!

I’m not going to get into a debate about evolution or the like. You believe in what you believe in and I’m not going to judge you.

But here’s the thing, this is based off Greek Mythology! Why not use the Greek Mythology route of how ponies were created?!

Hell, just throw in Prometheus while we’re at it! Why not?! We’ve already got enough pointless characters, and it would sure make more fucking sense than Lucifer and the Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

Urgh! Anyway, we cut back to Canterlot where ponies are building a shrine to sacrifice Twilight on. Sounds like most bronies to me.

Somehow, I always knew I was.

A group of gods descend from Mount. Olympus to give Cadance a chance to be free of the madness that is about to befall the town. Apparently, Cadance is a goddess… but not really…

Here… It’s too stupid for me to type in any other way…

"We adopted you from Apollonia to be as our second daughter when she's adopted you

from your foster mortal family when you just a little Pegasus. You are a Goddess now!

So, let me see if I’ve got all this down correctly…

Celestia adopted Cadance and then you adopted her from Celestia? How the hell does that work?! Did Celestia change her mind?! Or were the teenage years of Cadance really difficult?!

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I HATE YOU, MOM!

Anyway, Cadance says that she’s not leaving her family and would rather suffer with them. I notice how she’s not making a deal with them to try and save her ‘sister in law’, which might I remind you, SHE FELT THE NEED TO POINT OUT TO EVERYONE THAT SHE IS HER SISTER IN LAW! But again… whatever…

We cut back to our heroes, where Celestia and Luna talk about the fate of King Bullion.

It turns out that King Bullion, the father of Princess Platinum for those who care, was cursed by Lucifer and the Four Horsemen into a werewolf. Well, I guess it would be ponywolf… I think…

Celestia and Luna find him and try to cure him, but they are unable to. Instead, they execute him. Yeah… Celestia and Luna … execute him… Because that was the only course of action apparently. Can’t contain him or restrain him or try another way for him to live in peace without bringing harm to others.

Nope, he has to die.

Our fucking princesses, fillies and gentlecolts.

I’m going to let you guys rant about why Celestia and Luna may or may not do that, and instead I’m going to rant about how this scene is really FUCKING STUPID!


Seriously, what was the point of this scene?! It never comes back later! It was never mentioned until now! And it doesn’t further anything about the characters except that maybe Celestia and Luna are as much assholes at the other gods!

I thought the point of making Celestia and Luna gods in this story was to make them more compassionate and show that they would rather die a mortal and show compassion and love rather than live a life as a god and be an absolute dick!

But that theory just got shot in the face by this dumbass sequence that has no reason for being in this story in the first place and ultimately, ONLY SERVES TO WASTE OUR TIME!

Dear lord, I hate this story!

So, anyway, after such a story, the group continues on their way to finding the four blind mares.

The Djinns (oh, yeah, forgot they were in this story) show the group their giant, murderous scorpions that they can now ride to where they need to go. This would be rather cool if there was anything remotely cool about it. But the scene is like all the others, telling!

The travel time is kind of nice though. Instead of all that pesky character development and other boring shit, we get this.

"In two days... we will reach to the Lair of the Mares of Diomedes Castle." said Discord.

In two days, they all go across the mountains and finally reach to the Stygia Garden.

I would say that the story is taking the piss out of itself again, but frankly, I think you have to know what you are doing first before that can happen.


The group arrives at the garden where the four mares are supposed to be, which is odd seeing how they describe a swamp, and the group argues with Discord about the name it should have been. When, thank God, Fluttershy remembers why they are all here in the first place.

"Umm... girls... we must go rescue Twilight from being eaten by a monster remember?" asked Fluttershy.

This is why Fluttershy is my favorite. She’s the only one with common sense!

They get into the castle which causes Fluttershy to lose her lunch because it is so bad. Well, to show everyone what kind of terrible place it was, I asked my friend, the artist, to paint a picture that would best fit the castle and this is what he came up with.

The four mares appear and the group asks them about Cetus and how to defeat it. The four mares demand payment and try to kill off Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Huh, I guess Pinkie Pie will know how Rainbow Dash felt.

The group manages to fight them off and Celestia and Luna threaten their crystal eye if they do not give up the information they desire.

God, something I just now noticed that this story has a problem with, is that it has too much action and yet at the same time, not nearly enough! This is actually rather fascinating! I’m not sure how this story accomplished this!

So, the four mares explain that the only way for their group to defeat Cetus is to find the head of Medusa, a gorgon with the power to change any creature to stone with her gaze. No matter how big and powerful.

Hell, not even Superman is immune to Medusa’s gaze.

… The Further Adventures of Superman. Look it up.

So, since the four mares tell them that Medusa isn’t into help ponies, they decide that the only way to get Medusa to cooperate with them is to cut her head off. Yeah, because, that makes sense. Though to be fair, it was in the original myth, so I’ll cut the story some slack. Heh… puns.

They leave, with the four mares yelling that their mission is a waste of time. Yeah, tell that to Twilight Sparkle. And the only thing wasting our time is this stupid story.

After they leave, several of the Djinn and those two griffins who insisted on joining them leave. God damnit! Why did they have to leave?! All I wanted was to see them horribly murdered by one of the most terrifying beings in mythology!


Oh, well… At least I have plenty of other victims.

As they travel on, they are eventually set upon by Hades and Zeus. They both explain how they want what is best for their daughters and that they won’t listen to them. Maybe the bad teenage years weren’t just limited to Cadance.

Celestia: Mom! Luna, spit gum in my hair!

Luna: I did not!

Celestia: Did too!

Luna: Did not!

Celestia: Did too!

"We will give you all one change only!" said Zeus.

We want Twilight not to die.

Zeus: … Huh… I didn’t think this one through…

The group continues on their quest after rejecting Celestia and Luna’s father’s offer and they find themselves at the gates of Tartarus where they will be taken to the lair of Medusa.

Unbeknownst to them, the Skeleton King, I guess he’s in this story still, is following them.

They get to the gates and are ferried off by the Charon (Kharon also works) to the ruins where Medusa lies.

While on their journey, Discord tells them about Medusa and how she became what she is.

I’ll give this story credit. It did manage to keep the mythology of Medusa completely in tact. It’s just a shame that rape had to be involved in order to get it right! But whatever, the point is, after Medusa’s backstory is revealed, the group prepares themselves to fight.

However, it is revealed that mares cannot enter the temple, why they can’t is beyond me. Does the magical energies around the temple check for vaginas? But stallions (and apparently Dragons and Draconequus(eses?)) can enter.

Oh, by the way, thanks for teaching the girls how to wield a sword, story! The mission would have failed if the girls didn’t know how! … It’s not sexist, it’s pointless since for the mission THAT THEY ARE ON can’t be completed by women!

And here’s another thing, WHY DID CELESTIA AND LUNA INSIST ON COMING ALONG IF THEY KNEW THIS?!

But… again… What… the fuck… ever...

The stallions, Spike and Discord enter the tomb of Medusa and hunt her down. However, Medusa uses her familiarity with the tomb to peck off members of the party one by one. A fight ensues with many of the characters dying before they even spot Medusa. Oh, how tragic or something…

The remaining stallion, Discord and Spike think up a plan to distract Medusa, which doesn’t make sense since Discord could snap his fingers and make Medusa’s eyeballs disappear. In fact, you could probably argue that Discord could wiggle his pinkie and destroy the Cetus or turn him into a bowl of pudding or something.

So, the last of the heroes are killed after their plan fails and Discord is knocked out, leaving only Spike to face Medusa alone. And in a rare moment for Spike, he actually becomes a badass.

Of course, with Spike having cut off the head of Medusa, what’s the first thing he should do?

"Behold... head of Medusa!"


Didn’t think that one through, did you, Spike?

Okay, that didn’t really happen… But it should have…

When they arrive back with the group, the Skeleton King attacks the group and tries to kill them. However, Discord is able to sacrifice himself to defeat the Skeleton King. Even though he’s a god and it shouldn’t matter, but whatever. The story doesn’t care, neither do I.

They leave Discord to die and they quickly travel back to Canterlot to try and save Twilight.

Meanwhile on Mount Olympus…

Lucifer explains to Zeus that the mortal’s time is up and that Twilight is being dipped in barbecue sauce for the creature that is to devour her. Okay, that really didn’t happen, but honestly, it would make this a lot more entertaining.

"Unleash Cetus, the Blue Serpent!" said Zeus.

Meh… It’s no “Release the Kraken.”

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Come on, you guys knew it was coming.

We cut to Ponyville where the nearby lake (yes, the mythical beast resides in a lake) Cetus appears and I guess makes the water more … salty?

In the meantime, the water of the Saddle Lake had become more salty and its start to grow larger and larger. The water had start to invading

I wonder if Cetus is made of salt then? If so, everypony could solve the problem by eating the bastard.

Back in Canterlot, the one pony who had a grudge against Twilight (yeah, remember him) gathers some followers and captures Twilight so she can be sacrificed.

They tie Twilight to the shrine and await the creature to gobble her up. Turns out Twilight Sparkle doesn’t taste all that good. Needs more salt.

Okay, like the movie, Celestia and Luna arrive to battle the Kraken … I mean, Cetus, using the head of Medusa.

Oh, after a chase scene and a pointless scene of Lucifer rubbing his victory into the Greek God’s faces. Just to pad out this dumbass story.

After killing the Cetus and saving Twilight, Celestia and Luna banish Lucifer to the Underworld. Funny, I didn’t know Celestia was Michael.

After the battle, Zeus appears and gives his daughters another chance to live the life of gods, but Celestia and Luna state that their answer is the same. Hades appears as well and asks Luna forgiveness for turning her into Nightmare Moon.

OH! So that’s what happened! Oh, good! I thought it was a story about how jealousy and bitterness can tear even the strongest relationships apart and how being blind to the hurt of others and being consumed by the limelight can hurt those you love! I’m so glad we simplified that story to a “I turned her into a demon” story!

FUCK! YOUR! SHIT!


Our story finally ends with Discord, somehow being alive, despite them not saying that he was going to die, even though it makes no sense… OH FUCK IT!


This story is shit!

A lot of the problems I have with this story also come from the movie itself, but rather than trying to fix any of said problems, this story instead insists on adding a whole nother truckload of problems.

The characterization in this is beyond embarrassing. The characters are barely entities and barely have personalities. The new characters that are introduced are basically blank slates, some of them are so pointless that you wonder why they are even in this story.

There is a reason why I named almost none of them. It is because they are completely interchangeable and ultimately this story didn’t need them, since it had no intention of developing them, despite how involved they were in the story.

The My Little Pony characters aren’t much better, with them barely having any components of their personalities in the story. I could barely tell that any of the characters in this story was supposed to be the ones from the show.

The changes to the mythology felt completely unnecessary as well as involving freaking Lucifer in all this. Was it too hard to look up another Greek Deity who happened to not be doing some good things or did it take too much imagination to try and come up with a motive for a pre-existing god?


The action scenes were poor since they tell us little about what is going on. The descriptions are atrocious, the villains laughably dull or over the top silly, which really doesn’t match the rest of the tone of the story. And a lot of the points that come into this story never amount to anything.

Remember when I said to remember Fleur De Lis and what she said. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this story, didn’t you?

And she was the character who made the big speech about how much more beautiful she was than anything else!

Why the hell was she even there if you were going to try and sacrifice Twilight Sparkle?! Was it because Fleur felt too much like an asshole and Twilight would be more sympathetic?! Which again, makes no fucking sense!

What about King Bullion turning into a ponywolf?! Yeah, that fucking went somewhere, didn’t it?!

And the pony that hated Twilight?! What was his story?!


Overall, it feels like this story got overambitious. It wanted to topple gods, but it flew too close to the sun. It felt like the story was trying to do too much and show off as a result and as such, it makes the story feel cluttered and half of it pointless.

Between the bad writing, bad characters, bad plot, and countless pointless scenes and characters, this story deserves a one way trip to Tartarus.

Have a good day, guys.

Solar Embrace


Hello, everypony.

I am the Critique.

Shippers.

What can be said about them? They will ship everything straight to you every day you ask them to. It doesn’t matter what it is or who it is for, they will ship it. Rain, snow, sleet, or hail, there is always something to be shipped.

Why just the other day, I shipped something myself. It wasn’t very long and it took less thought that taking a piss.

So, what is it about shippers that make them so popular? Well, I’m here to answer that question with the shipping I just received from my brother.

Oh… You thought I was talking about… Ha, ha, ha! Why would I ever talk about those kinds of shippers in these reviews? Name one time I’ve ever talked about shipping.

Okay, so I might have mentioned it a little bit here and there. As I said in the past, there are some bizarre pairings out there. I’ve yet to see one that makes sense due to level of complete lack of care put into certain pairings. I guess the mindset of some writers is, if I don’t put any effort into it, it will still look good, because it’s stallion on stallion action.

Yeah, My Immortal’s last words.

And our story is one of the more bizarre pairings I’ve seen. One that I’m honestly not looking forward to. What is it exactly? Well, let’s review Solar Embrace by Abramus5250 and see if I want to vomit out my own horseshoes by the end of it.

The world as ponies knew it was not a very old place, in the terms of geologic time.

One could say that it was a young whippersnapper.

In fact, even in the eyes of one such as Princess Celestia, the climate had barely changed at all and the overall landscape had stayed the same.

She would find out later what Global Warming would cause. But she lived in a castle high above sea-level so, what does she care? Or is this like Cetus, the Blue Serpent?

It goes on to explain a bit of history about Celestia, Luna and the alicorns in general. It’s interesting, but rather pointless since we’re going to see the same thing later in the story anyway.

We cut to Twilight Sparkle reading the ‘History of Equestria: Part 1’ (Personally, I’m still waiting for the botched up movie) to her friends, Spike being one of them mentioned.

You mean Spike actually gets a role in a fan fic?! Isn’t that one of the sins of fanfic writing?! Thou shall not write Spike!


Pissing off that dragon is one of the highlights of my day.

“No offense, my dear, but just how many ponies do you think are going to be interested in reading a history book?  They are not the most engaging sources of entertainment,” Rarity said, puffing up her mane with her hands when she said this.

It can’t be much worse than half the shit I read on a weekly basis.

“I don’t know Rarity, but it must be more than you’re thinking of,” Twilight said, smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt as she rose to her hooves from her comfy chair.  “I’ll be right back: Celestia will surely want to know of our progress.”

Oh, yeah, something I forgot to mention. This takes place in an anthro universe. Which is why Twilight is wearing clothes. I don’t cover those often, I know, but that’s because I honestly fail to see the point. What is the point of making the characters in the story an anthro version of themselves? They seem to function in everyday Equestrian life just fine without the use of standing on two legs.

This is made even more baffling by the line ‘rose to her hooves’. It is supposed to be like Quickdraw Mcgraw. If so, making them anthro doesn’t really make sense, since they can pretty much do everything a normal human could do, they just do it on four legs.

Maybe I’m just not getting it, but it really bothers me to turn the characters anthro when there is no point in doing so.

Oh, my mistake. I know why it’s an anthro story. (Or at least the story’s case for why, but I’ll come back to that.)

Spike is the only one who finds it interesting, just not for the reasons Twilight thought.

It does make you wonder though, where we all came from,” Spike said, his hand on his chin as if in thought.  “I mean, you all are ponies, and all that stuff about earth, clouds, the stars and magic is pretty cool.”

“But where did dragons come from?” Spike asked, laying back on the floor and looking up at the ceiling.

Mostly dinosaur bones that were often dug up and mistaken for a much larger creature. That would explain why you’re dead weight all the time.

Yeah, Spike-lovers might want to brace yourselves. There is a lot of Spike hate in this review. And not just because of the show.

Now, I would like to say a few words about the writing style. There are some good moments here of writing. Spelling and grammar are pretty solid and…

So she had been reading in some of her spare time: not as book smart as twilight, but she knew some bigger words than she used to.

not as book smart as twilight,

twilight

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Spike snorted.  “Tell me about it: last I heard, dragons live thousands of years, if not longer.  I just have no idea if I’m any different from those other winged dragons.”  Oh, how he wished he had wings, but so far, no dice: maybe in a hundred years he would finally grow a pair.

Oh, yeah! I’m sure that’s how limbs work! Especially since, we’ve seen what Spike will grow into and that dragon didn’t have wings either! Why the hell would he be expecting a pair of wings to just suddenly appear?!

Does he think he’s going to become an alicorn princess and gain his wings that way?! Unless, he thinks he's a frog?!


“Rainbow Dash, dear, remember to use your non-boasting voice,” Rarity said with a small smile.  “I am sure you are an absolutely amazing flyer, and you’ve proven that many times, but in all of Equestria?  Don’t you think that might be a bit... excessive?  Even for you?”

You know considering she’s the only one in Equestria to produce a Sonic Rainboom and was able to carry two of the worst fliers in all of Equestria to get silver in the Equestrian Games.

No… I don’t think that is excessive.

“The muscular and skeletal structures of ponies and dragons, though separated by millions of years of evolution, have the same relative types.  Sure, dragons have their internal magic at a much higher level than most species, but other than that and their fire system, we are basically the same: anatomically speaking.”

Oh, yeah, because reptiles and mammals are completely the same thing! I especially realized that when I had sex with my pet turtle a few years ago!

… It was an awkward phase…

So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed by now, the biology is bullshit in this story and I have a really hard time swallowing it. And it’s just a terrible contrivance for what we see later in the story.

“Tell you what, Applejack: in exchange for attending these history lessons, I’ll also throw in some lessons on grammatical correctness and understanding.”

:twilightsmile: You can start on this story. Why is the grammar poor?

:applejackunsure: Because it had one typo with your name?

:twilightangry2: And this story will burn in hell for it!

After knowing what comes later, I’ll be joining that cause.

Meanwhile...

At the Legion of Doom!

Actually, I’m not that far off.  We cut to Princess Celestia who is experiencing unexplainable pains. Celestia starts to wonder if it is time…

Oh boy! It’s time! It’s time! IT’S FINALLY TIME!

She goes back to the throne room, still experiencing her surges of pain and makes her way down a hidden staircase. Because who doesn’t have a hidden staircase in Equestria.

She comes to a tablet where she figures out that she is running out of time before the end of the world. You want to know that cause for the end of the world?

Her vagnia.

… I am not even fucking you guys right now.

Apparently, in this world, alicorns have to have sex every some odd amount of years or they destroy the entire world. This is apparently what happened to Mars.

Okay, explain the other planets then.

Seriously, this is just levels of dumb that I thought unfathomable. Her lack of sex is threatening the world?! One pony’s lack of sex is threatening the stability of the entire world?!

I think I’m supposed to feel sad that Celestia ended all life on Mars, but I can’t get over that fact that this is utterly ridiculous!


And I checked the tag lines again, everypony! This is not some satire or comedy sketch! This is supposed to be taken 100% seriously!

Are you fucking kidding?! With a line like this?!


She had caused a mass extinction by not sating her body’s demands: she had wiped a planet of life through her selfishness.

And apparently it is different for alicorns, since Luna experienced the same thing, without a partner, and only changed the moon colors.

Are there rules to this?! Why does one alicorn end all life on one planet where another alicorn just change colors of light?! That’s not ‘everypony is unique’, that’s not giving a shit about the rules that was just established!


And just to add to the stupidity, check out this line…

“19 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes,” Celestia read off to herself, noticing how the pain she had felt had been fifteen minutes before she read these numbers.  “I have a little less than three very short weeks until my heat hits me in full force.”

Oh, that wasn’t a going to be a huge problem: she’d simply leave the planet again, and then-

“No, wait,” she said to herself, her words breaking that small, shred of hope she still had.  “It takes at least four weeks to get where I need to go.  I... I won’t make it in time!” At this, she almost collapsed on the table, a small sob escaping her throat.  It was going to happen again: she was going to cause a disaster of untold proportions, all because she had forgotten what was approaching her!

You forgot?! You fucking forgot?! How do you forget that you have the power to end all life on a planet?! You have a fucking timer in your fucking basement that tells you when Armageddon is going to happen! I think you have no excuse for that! If this had been the first time this had happened and there was fucking nothing that could be done, yeah, I would understand that! But you have already seen this happen! You know the repercussions of missing that date! I think wiping out an entire race would have a little more of an impact on your decision making! I seriously think I’m supposed to feel bad for Celestia at this point, but all I can think of is how stupid this whore is!

Yes, that is what I just called her! Because that’s what this story turned her into! Celestia has been turned into somepony who needs to sell herself to get sex. It is for a good cause? Yes, but doesn’t make it any less demoralizing! She’s forcing herself to have sex with somepony whether she likes them or not all because of some dumbass alicorn bullshit, that nopony bothered to think ‘Hmm, maybe giving our daughter the ability to incinerate all life on a planet if she doesn’t get fucked was a bad idea!’

Worst parents ever! 0 out of 10!

Celestia continues to feel bad about her idiotic incompetence and realizes that there is no one in Equestria that can help her.

Oh, boo fucking hoo.

Oh, and as if the story was not more ridiculous. Apparently, dragons are the only thing that will survive an event that will wipe out the entire atmosphere!

I’m probably just nitpicking on the dragons at this point, since they are mythical creatures. Except for the fact that there is this line!


“Well, except for the dragons, of course,” she remembered, smiling in a sad sort of way.  “The vacuum of space is no hindrance to their kind, nor is any true temperature fluctuation.  They would survive, as they have for so... many... years.”

Oh yeah. Dragons are really resistant to cold weather! I especially noticed that when Spike was recovering from a cold he had by the main six letting him fall in icy water during Winter Wrap Up!


Again, probably just me being angry about the VAGINA THAT’S GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!

So, because dragons are so amazing I guess, Celestia figures that sleeping with one is the only answer. Can you say completely contrived romance underway? I knew that you could.

However, it turns out that it doesn’t matter if she just has sex, it has to be passionate from both sides! Because we just have to keep forcing the issue! Honestly, how would her vagina tell the difference?! A dick is a dick, whether it’s attracted to a dick or not!

Why the fuck would it matter if she was taken advantage of her or not?! I’m not saying I want Celestia to be taken advantage of, but I’m saying that even if she decided that it was the only way to save Equestria, it wouldn’t work because there is a lack of passion!

Anyway, Celestia thinks of Spike when she receives a letter from Twilight. She immediately heads to Ponyville to meet with them.

We then cut from Celestia’s scene, rather poorly I will say since there is little to no indication about jumping from the scene, and we arrive at Twilight’s library where she is talking to Spike about the Griffin/Minotaur War. However, Spike isn’t interested in such tales.

griffins and minotaurs?  Boooring," he thought.

I wouldn’t be talking, Spike. I’d much rather read about Griffins and Minotaurs fighting one another over reading about a world destroying vagina. Seriously, it gets stupider the more times I say it.

There comes a knock at the door and Spike goes to answer it and sees Princess Celestia. Celestia explains that she has important business to discuss with Twilight and her friends and asks Spike to wait a bit before coming back and she will discuss something with him.

Spike, leaves, leaving Celestia with the main six.

Celestia explains to the main six that soon the sun will cause a massive spike (No, pun intended) that will destroy the world, leaving out the part about unless she has a dick put into her. (Yeah, because that makes a lot of sense.)

Celestia asks that Spike be putting into her CUSTODY, seeing how he is the only one who can save them.

And Twilight shows what kind of an asshole she is by laughing…

“Celestia: I know you must have the best interests of the world at heart for this matter, but... Spike?  I mean... what can he do that we cannot?”

Well, excuse me, princess! This is especially baffling due to this line!

Spike hadn't really done much in the way of grand, life-changing help other than save the Crystal Empire from King Sombra.

Pfft! Of course! I mean, why would he have any worth to him by saving the Crystal Empire from the demonic fart?! No, clearly, he’s fucking useless!


Celestia calls her out on it and frankly I questions everypony’s intelligence in this story thus far. Between Celestia ‘forgetting’ or whatever the fuck you want to call it when her period is and Twilight pretty much scoffing off the idea of Spike being worth anything, my hope is that the solar flare happens and I can watch these ponies fry.

Celestia explains that in three weeks Spike will be released back into their custody and he will be safe and sound. Twilight agrees without really knowing what is going on or what Spike will be expected to do.

Here’s a good question, why did Spike need to leave the room for this? It just waste our character’s time at this point and frankly ours. It’s not like she tells the group about what she has to do in order to save the world. She conveniently leaves that part out!

Celestia and Spike say their farewells at what is supposed to be heartfelt, but all I feel is indigestion…

Night falls over the town, where Spike is sleeping in his bed in Ponyville. I guess the whole fate of the world thing can wait.

Spike figures out that there might be more to this crisis than Twilight and Celestia are letting on, but Spike figures that he won't ask her about it. Why?

He knew there was more to this disaster than Twilight, and through her Celestia, was letting on, but what was he going to do about it? March right up to the princess and demand a full explanation as to the severity of the situation? Threaten her if she doesn’t comply?

Actually, yeah, I do expect that. That's what anyone with a brain would do.

Yeah, because that plan would work out so well,” he muttered, his sarcasm dripping in every word. “Might as well try and seduce her, since that would probably end in the same way.”

Actually, that would end this story quicker. So, go for it. Also, CELESTIA DIDN’T MENTION ANYTHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW TO THE MAIN SIX! YOU KNOW THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE, UNLESS YOU SAVE THE WORLD! THAT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL THEY KNOW!

Their friends had either remained silent or cried the entire time, especially Fluttershy: she was perhaps the most scared of all of them. Of dying, that is.

Oh, yeah, and no other character of the Main Six would be scared of the end of the world. With Applejack and her family, Pinkie Pie and all the friends she never got to make, or Rarity and the loss of her beauty. Only Fluttershy has something to lose.

Call it overreacting, but I find it curious why Fluttershy needed to be mentioned!

Spike starts packing up his things together.

Picking up the empty bag, he decided to grab the most obvious things he’d need: some clothes, as he doubted the princess would want him to walk around in his hatching suit.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex… SEX!


As he continues, Spike starts thinking about all the challenges he has faced and how his lack of bravery has protected him over the years.

No, this was not so much a direct threat to himself, but a threat to all of Equestria, and the world.

Yes, this isn't like the Sombra, where all of Equestria and the world was threatened by him. Not even close. For one, Sombra’s plot was more developed. … Something I never thought I’d say.

As he goes downstairs, the main six appear, in black robes for some reason, and begin to say their goodbyes to Spike, fearing that they may never see him again.

They hug for a while, which I guess is supposed to be heartfelt, but it really isn't that spectacular. Personally, it would have been more interesting to have them reminisce about the times they've had together.

The story does mention that Spike feels the grief, regret, hope and love from those hugs, but again, I would have loved to have seen that. And I'm trying really hard to forget that the vagina of Celestia is going to destroy the world.

This lack of character involvement here is not helping with that.

After a while, the Main Six give a gift to Spike, a wristband with gemstones each matching of the different ponies.

“...wow,” was all Spike could say as he looked over the amazing gift. “Wow: thank you. Thank you all so much. This... this is beautiful.” Oh no, he felt like crying again.

Oh, no! He felt like having an emotional response to somepony doing something nice for him! HOW DARE HE?!


Oh, so that's how you want to play it, dragon whelp?! Fine! I'm game!

Princess Celestia arrives at the door, looking bizarrely unbefitting today. Like she just got out of bed and came straight here. I guess we have the whole fate of the world thing that is pretty damn urgent, but then again, why didn't Celestia just take Spike that day if it was so fucking urgent?

Celestia explains that she had to tell Luna what to expect and Spike asks how that went. Considering that Luna might know the truth about what is going on, I figure her reaction went something like this.

Celestia: Luna, I'm on my period for the next few weeks and I need to get Spike to fall in love with me so he can put his dick in me so I can save the world.

Celestia takes Spike in a private carriage and explains that they have a lot of work to do. And here's where I start to question the writing. The writing for the most part is very decent, but there are some spot that stick out like a sore thumb, particularly when expressing emotions. Take this scene here.

“It will bring us to our destination within thirteen hours, so I suggest you get some rest. We will have plenty of work to do when we get there.” As if to emphasize her point, she yawned in a none-too-ladylike manner: she was really, really tired.

Was it really necessary to tell us she was really tired? You just had her yawn! Why do you feel the need to tell us, what most of us had already figured out?! Maybe it was to emphasize it, but there are other ways to do that! Describe her demeanor, her appearance, her aloofness, I don't know. But I feel like for every moment that the story has where the writing shines, another one pops up where the writing feels amateurish.

Though, I'm probably one to talk.

Could the place they were going to be some ancient kind of planetary defense mechanism that needed an alicorn’s magic and a dragon’s... whatever he had, to activate it?

WE GET IT! THE DRAGON AND THE ALICORN NEED TO HAVE SEX TO SAVE THE WORLD! MOVE ON!

As they travel, the two try to get some rest.

We then change point of view to Celestia, again, no indication of that. There's technically no rule that says there has to be something like that, but it does make it easier to read. Again, this could be just a personal preference.

Inside Celestia’s mind, she was thinking: yes, thinking.

As hard as that is to believe, she is actually thinking. Really, REALLY hard to believe.

What exactly was she going to do with him? She could remember her first failure of a heat. She had gotten so damned horny, so insatiably frustrated, that she had nearly gone mad.

Thank you for reminding me of a fic I would rather forget.

Not even Discord, in all his power, wanted to try and “take a whack at her”, since he was an Earth God of Chaos and she was on an entirely different level than he.

And yet, he can warp reality with his left pinky and it took you EARTHLY ELEMENTS OF HARMONY FROM AN EARTHLY TREE OF HARMONY TO DEFEAT HIM! Yeah, you can see how much water this bullshit explanation holds for me.

Furthermore, why doesn't Discord just turn everyone into fire proof stone or something, since it's clear that the planet is able to survive the attack?! After all, this did happen on Mars and the planet is still there! All Discord would have to do, is turn everything into fire proof stone, poof off while Celestia does her thing, and poof right back to fix everything! Why is everypony on this rock as stupid as a sack of rocks?!


Oh and just to make Celestia even more likable in this story, it turns out that she's never experienced sex, but she has watched Cadance and Shining doing it.

... I am not even fucking with you guys...

Some of those others being her niece Cadence and Twilight Sparkle’s brother Shining Armor, both of whom still had no idea she had witnessed their “all-night romp” in the honeymoon suite after the wedding.

I'm starting to think reviewing this story was a bad idea. I would much rather be reading about Chrysalis taking the guise of Shining Armor and having sex with Cadance to have a child. Yeah… I would rather read that.

And we get descriptions about the size of Celestia's boobs. Oh, I'll come back to that...

We get some more descriptions of Celestia trying to sex up herself and it's at this point where I question the story again. What the hell is the point of this?! I realize she is trying to make herself more attractive by dragon standards, but why the hell doesn't Celestia just tell Spike what he needs to do?!


Like I said, a dick is a dick, regardless of the motive. Why doesn't Celestia just explain what is about to happen to Spike, have a one night stand and forget this ever happened?! Because, I'd love to see that!

Why not?! It wouldn't be lowest common denominator this story is going for!

Also, isn’t the story playing its cards a tad early? We are only on chapter 3 of a 14 chapter story and we’re already sexing up our leading lady! Wouldn’t you rather save this for later in the story when Spike starts getting attracted to her?! What are you going to do when the story makes it that far and Spike starts to pay closer attention to her body?! Copy and paste?!

I know I asked the question, but I’ve already read this story and I already know the answer… And yeah, it’s pretty much that.

After a quick power nap, Spike wakes up to see that Celestia and he are in the midsts of a thunderstorm. Spike decides to wake Celestia up, too scared to know what to do. You know, something I want to mention is that Spike seems less like an adult in this story and more like a child.

I know the story 'says' Spike is older, but that could mean by 5 minutes. His psyche doesn't really reflect that he is older, more mature and more courageous. Considering all the shit that the main six put him through on a daily basis, I would have expected a little bit more courage from him.

But I guess that would interfere with the 'virgin/innocence' thing I think the story is going for.

Oh, and as if we haven't reach all the lowest common denominators yet, why don't we throw in some pointless references that ultimately have no reason to be there in the first place except to show how much the story is not trying hard enough.

“Mmm... no... I want a banana smoothie,” Celestia whispered, snapping Spike out of his own thoughts. She was clearly still off in a rather odd dream, as everypony knew Celestia loved bananas. “The portals... put the cube on the... pedestal... dammit Luna, stop eating the... glue and crayons.” Okay, she was really off in a bizarre dream: what was all that stuff about portals and crayons?

Well, at least, it wasted its joke on something that was almost funny the first time. And for those who don't get that joke, Luna and Celestia are playing Portal. Because I guess video games exist in this world.

Celestia explains that there is nothing to worry about since the lightning proof spell she cast. Noticing that a fire proof spell is out of the question, but SEX!

Celestia offers to explain the island to Spike, leaving out the part about the why they are going to said island.

She didn’t even want to think of what would happen if he successfully impregnated her.

Worst case scenario, a kirin.

Don't know what that is. A dragon/horse hybrid. ... Yeah, not seeing the bad to come from this, Celestia.

Now granted, most ponies would probably have questions to why Celestia is pregnant, but that’s not what the story tells us. In fact, the story doesn’t bother telling us the why she doesn’t want to think about it at all.

Apparently, this island existed for only 300 years and that Celestia found it during a freak wind storm. And she decided it was isolated enough to have a dragon bang her.

She couldn’t just say “Spike, my heat will destroy the world unless you buck my brains out” or something like that... right?

Actually, that's exactly what I would have done. The story even admits that it can be done. So, why doesn't it? Yes, the story mentioned that it can’t be one who would take advantage of her, but isn't that technically what Celestia is doing to Spike? Even if he does fall in love with her, it's all based on a lie.

He only falls in love with her because she makes him want to, by seducing him, whether she wants him or not. Just get it out in the open! This is especially stupid after we see what comes later!  

Celestia explains that there is a powerful 'vessel' on the island. You know, the entendres are now starting to get annoying. At first, they were almost cute, but it feels like every fucking line has something to do with fucking and to be honest, I'm getting tired of them after the 65th fucking time!

“Okay, I guess: what do we need to fill it with?” the dragon asked,

“I would prefer not to say, but it is something akin to... a vessel,” Celestia said, the unintended double entendre not lost on her. It was a vessel: her inner vessel, which Spike needed to “pilot”. “It needs, as some might say, to be completed. This... vessel, will save us.”

Starting to see what I mean?!

One of the wings give out, causing the ship to rock. Spike falls on top of Celestia... fic over? ... No? Damn...

The carriage shifts and turns and ... Oh fucking god... They have near in flight, dropping to the earth, carriage sex... Okay, it's not exactly sex, but it might as well be with the level of moans and groans we get from the two.

Also, the story continues to switch back and forth between Spike and Celestia's point of view. And very, VERY abruptly. It's hardly a sentence between them sometimes. It makes it feel like the story has no focus at all. I can't say I'm overly surprised by this. All that seems to be the priority here is the SEX!

Again, playing your cards a bit early here, aren’t you story?!


So, this continues on for about 7000 words about how big Celestia's boobs are and how they feel good and DIDN'T WE DO THIS LAST CHAPTER?! Oh, god, is every chapter going to be like this?!

Where it advances the plot by half a sentence and then talks about Spike's dick and Celestia's vagina?!

I'm going to need some alcohol if I'm going to make it through this.

The carriage continues to fall and Spike and Celestia leap from the carriage into the river. What, don't you want to have more falling carriage sex, or does swimming in a volcanic river seem more hot to you?

Spike and Celestia fall into the river, where Celestia is drowning and Spike needs to resuscitate her. Problem solved? Fic over?

Spike revives her, but let's face it, it's just another excuse to talk about Celestia's boobs. I swear there are more focus on her boobs than the actual character. Why doesn't the story fuck Celestia's boobs it wants them so bad?! It’s already harassed them enough!

The two travel to where the carriage crashed and the two are stranded on the island with little to no clothing. I would not be at all surprised if this was Celestia's plan all along. Why not? She's only been thinking with her dick since she started. Yes, I know what I said.

The two decide to make camp, but fear that the firewood would be too dry and it would attract too many insects during the night. So, what's the logical thing to do?! Cuddle up with Spike, of course!

This story literally runs on contrivances!

And now we get to the really hard part of the story. And I don't mean that kind of hard. This is the part where we have to force Spike and Celestia to be together as lovers. And believe me, this story does every contrived thing in the book to make it happen! Oh, and get ready for some long moments of pausing, for the story continues to make sure to let us know that the two enjoyed touching each other, in explicit detail, every fucking chapter! I am not even shitting you guys, it is literally every single chapter! Let's see how long it takes for that to get old!

Celestia wakes up the next morning to see the sun rising over the horizon without her doing so. And for those of you who would say 'Oh, Luna must be helping out while Celestia does her thing.'

Fuck you, sensible people! This is how this story decided to do it!

Three, and perhaps most important, the sun had risen and was slowly making its way entirely out from behind the horizon. The spell she had placed on it to continue its path regardless of her mental state was still working, it seemed.

Because apparently making Luna raise the sun was far too difficult! Also, why bother raising the sun day in and day out if you can just cast a spell that can do it for you?!

Celestia and Spike wake up and decide that they need to find some food quickly or they won't survive. A fate I hope happens soon.

Celestia explains that there is probably food on top of the mountain and it would take them a long time to reach said point. Spike asks why Celestia doesn't just fly them there, but Celestia explains that her wings are damaged and that she couldn't carry Spike and herself even if they weren't.

Which begs the question, what about her magic? As far as I know, she still has that stupid horn on top of her head! Why not use it teleport the two?! After all, we've seen Twilight do the same thing in an early episode of season 1! So, it stands to reason that Celestia could do the same!

But thankfully our story thought that through... Or ... at least, it tried...

A few sparks shot forth from Celestia’s horn, but nothing happened. “I... I don’t think I can use my magic to a degree such as that,” the alicorn said. “I... I feel as though my wells of magic have been exhausted. I already put a lot of power into the spell to keep the sun rotating as normal, and with that last bit you accidentally released while we were falling... I’m afraid I won’t be able to do much magic. This island has a natural magic distortion, so it will take even longer for my magic to come back than it normally would.”

Oh, no! I wish I had a sister that I could have put in charge of raising the sun every single morning so that I would have more magic to survive these harsh environments, oh, wait, I do, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK LUNA TO TAKE CARE OF THE SUN, YOU IDIOT?!


Seriously! You have another sister, Celestia! Fucking use her! You're already using Spike! You might as well! I'm sorry, I'm really trying to like you, I am! But you're just so fucking stupid! This wouldn’t piss me off as much as it does if Celestia didn’t raise the fucking moon for a thousand years!

Or is this some alternate dimension where only Celestia can raise the sun and anyone who attempts to do so is imprisoned and is the motive for a teenage punk to overthrow her?!

Ugh! Celestia and Spike head off to gather some supplies so that they can survive until the day comes when Spike needs to put his dick in her.

As they travel through the jungle, Spike begins to question whether or not Celestia is telling him everything, since they carelessly jumped out of a falling carriage. However, he dismisses it and thinks to himself that it'll all be fine.

Well, I'll give this story credit. It continues to make Spike a tool.

Your move, lizard face.

We also get Spike thinking about doing Celestia. And he follows through with it? Fic over?

Okay, last time, I swear.

Though, I'll keep thinking it.

After about 7 paragraphs of Spike drooling over Celestia, a natural brony response, and another 5 of Celestia drooling over Spike, they come to the rest of the plot in the form of a giant wall of thorns. Again, seen it.

Spike and Celestia figure out that the best way to deal with the wall of thorny vines and we get this incredibly sexist line.

Intelligence more often intimidated the opposite sex when one was a female, which was possibly a reason why Twilight rarely if ever went on dates.

That's right, girls. Don't ever be smart. You will never get a guy to fall for you if you are smart. Better to have a giant rack than a giant brain.

God… fucking … damn it… Okay... point you... asshole...

Spike finally thinks of a plan to climb over the thorns since they can't hurt his scales. He suggests that Celestia climb on his back and hold on tight. And thrust... Yeah, I know what I said.

As they approach the top of the wall of thorns, we do get some beautiful images of the island. I'll say this about the story, the writing is very well done when it actually wants to be. Very descriptive in some place and captures images very well. It's just a shame that most of the time is spent on Celestia's boobs than anything else.

I actually wouldn't have mind if we had seen a lot more of the island, instead of what we do end up getting.

They gather some food and prepare to settle down for the night. Oh, I fucking wish.

After the two leave the wall of thorns they come across another obstacle.

Spike and Celestia wonder what to do about the river that presents a problem to them. They start to think of ideas and it’s at this point that I have to question the writing again.

Celestia, as it so happened, glanced up at the tree they were leaning against, a possible idea forming in her head.  Could they build a boat from the trunk of a tree?  “Not likely; none of these trunks are thick enough for a makeshift canoe, and we don’t have any strong vines or equivalent rope-like material to lash a raft together,”

Now, you probably think that Celestia is perhaps a little crazy and talking to herself when no one spoke to her. Boy, I sure did.

Turns out this is Celestia thinking to herself. Now, to the story’s credit, it does say that, however, when I first read it, I thought this was Celestia speaking out loud. It certainly isn’t different from when she speaks, so it’s not hard to come to that conclusion. This baffles me because we’ve seen inner thoughts of the characters before, but never like this.

They are usually better separated than this.

Celestia comes up with an idea, more likely she actually read the script and just read the lines, and suggests that they tip a tree over to make a bridge using Spike’s talons.

And once again Celestia is forced to sit back and watch as Spike does everything.

“Yes! Yes, I have an idea,” Celestia said, suppressing the urge to giggle.  Finally, it was her turn to contribute!  For the last day she had done nothing but get in the way, or get hurt, or be a burden, but not this time!

We’ll see how long that last. I’m keeping a tally mark of all the times you could have used your smarts and didn’t. And frankly, that number is so high I’ve lost count.

Also, Celestia, I wouldn’t be showing off my intelligence if I were you. Spike might find that intimidating and unattractive and don’t you need him for your ‘oh, so cunning’ plan?

And this segways into Spike saying he’ll do anything thing Celestia SEX!

Skipping…

Celestia asks what Spike thinks she would want and Spike responses that he thinks she would like peace and freedom. Celestia takes offense to that, admitting that the berries were having some kind of emotional response to her. Oh, good, I almost thought she was a pony instead of a robot. Now, I see I was wrong.

Celestia: Personality Program: Initiated. Deploying Angry Response. Angry Response Deployed. Beep Boop.

Spike explains that Celestia is a great ruler, because she is kind and compassionate and all around good. Which shocks the hell out of Celestia because she thought she was only loved because she was … and I quote… ‘a kind ruler.’

She had just thought she was well-liked because she was a kind ruler.

… Celestia… love… dear… princess… royal pain in my ass… um… I just have one question for you… Is there a little worm that lives inside your head that is constantly eating out your brain?

I know it’s a long shot, but it’s the only way I can fathom this. You are touched when someone said you are a ‘kind ruler’ when all this time you thought they liked you because they said you were ‘a kind ruler.’

Do you just forget that you are a kind ruler just like you forget about the ability to destroy planets with your dick?

Or is it only when somepony is sucking on your dick that you actually listen to them? Not unlike most fanfic writers.

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Oh, come on! They’re out there! You know they are!

This continues for a while with Spike saying that Celestia needs a break, oh, I’ll give her a break alright!, and Celestia responses thusly.

“It’s just... Spike, I am a co-ruler of Equestria!  Other than some very important diplomatic visit, or some world-saving mission like now, I can’t just... take a day off!  I have far too many responsibilities and duties to take care of on a daily business, and I have gotten used to such a life.  In my many, many centuries of life, I have learned to be very proficient at managing my time wisely.”  She smiled slightly at that: sure, the statement was a bit prideful, but it was true.

Funny how that mimics me yelling at Spike. Why was there exclamation points again? Feels really out of place.

The tree finally collapses and Spike and Celestia start to make it across. However, Celestia starts to lose her balance before they can get more than a few feet. I knew getting my hopes up that she was actually going to be competent was going to result in a letdown.

Fortunately, Celestia has a big, strong, dumb as shit dragon to protect her, by offering his tail to give her balance.

Celestia starts to get horny, because she hasn’t already and she starts blaming the berries. Trust me, I don’t think it’s the berries, kid. When suddenly, something happens and the tree splits apart as they attempt to cross it. They struggle downstream and Spike, big shock here, manages to save Celestia and himself.

I’m a tad disappointed with this scene; they both had a chance to die, end ‘the heat’ and this stupid story, and neither of them took it. So inconsiderate of them.

However, the broken tree trunks try to catch up to them as they swim down the river, and Celestia turns into Navi, from the Legend of Zelda, as if she could not get more annoying.

Spike grunted as he willed his body to go faster, swinging from branch to branch as fast as he could without letting himself be pulled fully into the water’s embrace.  Celestia spurred him on with words like “Faster!” and “You can do this!” and the like.

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However, Spike is able to get them out of the situation, look when I said I wanted Spike to be more involved with the story, doing everything by making Celestia weak and powerless as a result, is not what I had in mind.

Give Power Ponies some credit, at least when Spike did something in that episode, it was because his team was bumbling around, trying to learn their powers.

Celestia kisses Spike and it causes him to pass out, again a typical brony response. Celestia manages to get him to a cave. What was that about not being able to lift him shit, after rushing down a river and crashing against several rocks. Built like a fucking tank, that one. Celestia cuddles up beside him and sleeps the rest of the day.

After a while, Celestia wakes up and realizes that the food they had gathered previously was lost in the river ride. She decides to go out on her own and look for some.

Celestia starts picking out some berries and then an eerie voice whispers in Celestia’s ear, telling her to tell Spike about what is going on. Yeah, I can see that going well after basically lying to him this whole time.

Celestia: Spike, I brought you here because I wanted to make you fall in love with me so that you can have sex with me and then I would break your heart because you will have played your part. I hope you won’t be mad.

RUN! IT’S A TOOL!


It turns out that this voice is her conscience. No, really. I’m not making this up guys. I swear. I’m not. I really am not. That is what the story says it is.

“I am here,” the voice said simply, and Celestia felt the urge to rub her temples.  “I am your conscience, Celestia.

Well, so much for subtlety. Wait, who am I kidding? I don’t think the story knows what the hell subtle is.

Conscience tells Celestia that she needs to tell Spike in order to be free of the guilt that festers in her stomach. Funny how that part got missed in all this mess. Or was it mixed in with all her horny emotions and I just didn’t notice?

The story then explains that her conscience appears in physical form when she is stressed. Funny how her subconscious never takes physical form to say ‘Hey, time is almost up for your period! You’d better get a move on!’

Meanwhile, back at the cave, Spike wakes up and realizes that Celestia had kissed him on the lips. He freaks out about it, again a typical… Yeah, I’ll shut up.

Celestia returns and Spike, finally, asks for some answers.

“That is my second question; ideal for what?” Spike asked, crossing his arms.  He did so not in anger or some other similar emotion, but as a relaxing gesture whilst thinking.  “You said this island would help save the world, but from what I’ve seen, neither you nor anypony else has been to this island in forever.  The time it takes to get out here, coupled with the way it is all naturally built, leads me to believe there are no structures here of any kind.”

“The island is ideal for somepony to be alone from the rest of the world,” Celestia responded.  “Your deductions, although very Twilight-like in manner, are correct as well.  There is nothing on this island that can aid us, and the island itself is merely just that; an island.”

‘Very Twilight-like in manner?’ What does that mean? Does that mean that Spike is not capable of thinking like Twilight? Or is to make the sexist intelligence quote seem more credible?

So, Celestia explains her heat and how she is connect to the sun, at this point, I don’t care. And Celestia explains that she has to have sex with someone who will survive the ordeal and that Spike is the only one.

So, Spike is… surprisingly very accepting of this. In fact, he forgives Celestia almost instantly. I mean, there is not even one shred of doubt or anger at her. Yeah… kind of a letdown here. I mean, I realize the ‘fate of the world’ bullshit that basically forces him to go through with it, but… Really? Not one shroud of anger? Not one hint of betrayal, not even an emotional response to this incredibly difficult task being thrown at him?

Wow… unbelievable wow… This was the only… ONLY thing that actually intrigued me. This moment. This moment, right here, right now. This moment where it is revealed what Celestia has to do, what Spike has to do, where Spike learns the truth about what is about to happen. Where Spike can have some kind of emotional response … and you completely fuck it up, story! You completely fuck it up!

This should have been the biggest tension moment for the story, where Spike feels completely and utterly betrayed and used. This should have been Spike blowing up at Celestia for being so cruel and insensitive to his feelings. This should have been the moment where Spike sulks into the jungle claiming that he hates Celestia, but when the time comes, he’d save the world, not for her, but for the friends he made.

Where Celestia has to try and get him to forgive her before the end of the world takes them.

Instead we get…

“Yes; yes, I can say I honestly forgive you, but you’ll have to make it up to me,” the dragon said finally.

And…

“We will take it slow, as we will not technically need to... mate for some two and a half weeks,” the princess said slowly.  “However, that does not mean we cannot... learn more about each other.”

And…

Yet the more he thought of it, the more relaxed and intigued he became about the whole idea.

And…

Who wouldn’t want to bed the stud of a dragon that was specifically chosen by Celestia to provide her with some “personal time” on a deserted island?

And…

Celestia sat up and got on her knees, crawling over slowly to Spike.  “Well, back by the river... I did kiss you,” she said slowly as she drew herself up to the dragon.  “It wasn’t much of something at the time, but I would like to do it again.”

Spike, in any normal situation, would have likely tried to retreat in both confusion and fright.  Now though, knowing both what was at stake and (mostly) why the princess had chosen him in particular, he stayed put.

So… yeah! Story pretty much over now! So, why does it insist on continuing for 8 more chapters?! Who the fuck knows at this point?!


The two kiss and make out and have sex and blah, blah, blah, I just stopped caring…

So, Spike and Celestia make it out of the woods. Again, Spike having no reaction to what is about to happen making me believe that the worms that are in Celestia’s head passed onto him when Celestia kissed him.

And the two pretty much go back and forth about how, “Spike has to love me” and “I have to fall in love with Celestia” for about 7 paragraphs. So, this forced romance knows it’s a forced romance. … Has it ever occurred to this story that calling it a forced romance, surprisingly, doesn’t make it any less forced?!


And then we start to see images of Twilight’s sex life. Yeah… Kind of out of place. Twilight’s sex life huh? Funny how Spike chooses to focus on Twilight that way rather than, oh, I don’t know, explaining how he had sex with Celestia and is now in love with her and that’s what saved the world, but I guess the story got bored of the current romance. I know I sure did.

And it goes into detail of a character, we’ve never seen until now, we never will see again, and overall adds nothing to Spike’s mission of sliding his dick in Celestia’s cooch. So, again, I ask… Why was this scene necessary?


In fact, it kind of distracts from the current situation in a way that I would much rather be reading how Twilight got with this stallion that is mention rather than finish reading this, since as far as I’m concerned, the story is pretty much over by this point, since Spike has already admitted to admiring Celestia with all his heart and has just pretty much accepted that he has to bang her like a dog following a sexy girl dog. And Celestia admits that she does enjoy Spike’s company! So, yeah, we are just seeing padding for the next last chapters.

I’ll try to only mention things that are important.

They manage to make it through a muddy field and make it to a waterfall before discarding their clothes. I’m sure there was more to these scenes, but honestly, I couldn’t care less.

The two get to a waterfall where they continue to sexualize each other. Granted, I still think this is playing your cards early for this story, but it is closer to the end so it feels better here. However, this is quite repetitive since we saw this in chapter 3 and every chapter since then. And that is an incredibly big problem with this story.

So a repeat of the last chapter happens, I know, big fucking shock, and Spike is starting to doubt his own power. Why would you? The story certainly doesn’t the way it describes you for about 5 paragraphs!

Yes, I’m rushing through this, but there is literally nothing to talk about that I haven’t already made relevantly clear! The romance is beyond forced, the characters are cardboard cutouts with boobs and a dick drawn on them, that’s how much depth the two characters have! The writing has become tedious at this point and no amount of flashy descriptions is going to distract from that!

And again, the story is just dragging on! There is no conflict or tension in this story! You know the two are going to have sex and save the world! The only tension in this story just got swept under the rug, you can’t even pretend that something bad is going to happen! And anything that does happen, is ultimately going to feel forced or come completely out of left field since the scenes I read, they were pretty fucking fine with fucking each other!

And as a result, this story has become ridiculously boring!

I could seriously end the review right now and you would not miss anything you didn’t already know! But… I’ve got to finish this shitstorm.

After the “special” night before, Celestia and Spike didn’t speak to each other until almost midday.

Oh, wow! They have an awkward moment in which the characters realized that what they are doing is stupid! Wow! Let’s see it!


That was simply because they slept in until that time,

Fuck you, story! No, wait, you’d probably enjoy that too much.

So, Celestia shows Spike the history of dragons… It is entirely pointless… As is the rest of this chapter. Oh, my mistake, we get some attempt at character development, but it’s so brief and buried under the same thing that I’ve seen chapter in and chapter out, you could blink and pretty much miss it. I would tell you guys what it is, but let’s face it, it plays as much of a role as everything else that isn’t Celestia sucking Spike’s cock.

Starting to see why I said this story played its cards WAY too early?

And that’s another thing I wanted to point out about this story! The sex scenes in this story do not feel earned! They do not feel like we deserve them! Like we have accomplished some large task or difficult challenge and thus have earned our reward!

This feels like someone giving out large tubs of ice cream for free! Yeah, the first one was good, but after being thrown three more large tubs of ice cream, eventually, your body is going to start disagreeing with it!

We actually cut away from the island to see Ponyville where Twilight and the others wonder what is going to happen to them. You mean there are other characters in this story? Funny, I don’t remember that.

Twilight makes some calculations on what is going on and she finds out that the solar flare that is going to destroy the world is going to happen sooner than any of them anticipated… Wait, what?!


“Well, based on a spike in sunspot emergence, an increase in certain solar wind activity and several other influential factors, I believe Celestia’s calculations may have been a bit off as to the occurrence of the “event” she told us about.  You know how she said there were several weeks left before

STOP! Just stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, story! Just … stop…

What?

So, let me get this straight… Celestia… who has a timer in her basement... about when this is going to happen… who has is so closely connected to the sun that if she doesn’t have an organsm she is going to cause a solar flare to kill everyone… has less knowledge of exactly when a solar flare is going to happen than Twilight doing research?

…

…

…

You know what? … I’m not even going to get mad at that. I am so not going to get bad at that. Why? Just can’t be asked I guess. I don’t even care anymore. The story doesn’t. Why should I?

So, you just keep doing… whatever it is… you are doing…

We then cut to, you know what, don’t pretend like you don’t. At this point, the story has become less of a story and more of a checklist.

There’s something them getting married or something that goes through Celestia’s mind, but honestly, I’ve stop giving a shit.

So, Celestia explains that before dragon and before alicorns, there were dinosaurs. Yeah, dinosaurs are in this story now. Wonderful…

So, Celestia explains that the alicorns wiped out the dinosaurs and the dragons are pretty pissed off at them. But Spike has no problems with it, since for the only sensible thing he’s done in this story, that happened millions of years ago.

So, again, this has been completely pointless.

Princess Celestia is upset about the dinosaurs she had to destroy thousands of years ago, but that doesn’t seem to matter much since she cared little about the life on Mars. But that’s okay, Spike knows what to do.

And there’s some kind of … solar god watching them? Jesus, this story just went from having no plot to too much plot!

And I swear to Christ, if I see someone making a joke about ‘that kind of plot’ I’m going to shove a pitchfork up their ass! And why do I get the feeling they’d find it arousing?!

Well, that took long enough...  both for them to "do it", and for me to get this chapter published.

Oh, they weren’t doing it the whole time? Really? Well, that’s a fucking shock!


My question is, why was this story thumbed-down?

Was it because it's anthro?  I bet it's because it was anthro.

Oh, I can think of plenty of other reasons.

After their third round of hot, sweaty sex, Spike would have thought Celestia would have been tired;

Really? Because I sure am.

Celestia flies off after porking Spike another time. Yes, I know what I said. Maybe Celestia is getting as tired of the repetition as I am. Spike follows her as all hell breaks loose all across the island.

So, some kind of earthquake happens and the two ascend to a higher plane or some bullshit. I honestly could not tell you what is going on anymore. I guess it has something to do with the whole alicorn lifecycle or something like that.

But they ascend to a higher plane so they can do what now? Say it with me…

…

That’s right. That’s the only reason. Whatever, I don’t even care anymore.

Oh, yeah, and I guess we cut to Twilight and her friends for two paragraphs. Yeah, not even kidding on that.

So, finally the world is saved and we’ve got two more chapters of this left. So, I’m just going to rush through them as quickly as possible, just so I can end this piece of shit.

So, Celestia and Spike discuss what they are going to do after they get back to the rest of civilization, which doesn’t make sense since they already discussed it earlier.

Celestia explains to Spike that he wants him to be open to every race and being about his sex giving skills as creatures from miles around will want to see this.

So, they return to civilization, the story decides to take the piss out of itself, for some reason, mentioning pop culture references and jokes that I don’t even get, Spike and Celestia explain everything that happened on the island, Spike has a new pair of wings, and then Pinkie Pie talks about the island from Lost and suddenly everypony has no idea what’s she talking about. Which makes no sense since Celestia made a Portal reference early in the story, but who cares?

And the main six have different reaction, some say ‘Sweet job.’ Some are shocked and frankly, I’m just bored.

And Celestia is pregnant with Spike’s child. No surprise here.

Celestia gives birth, Spike starts a family and the three live happily ever after…

The end…

I don’t particularly care for it.

I’m telling you guys, it’s bad.

I’ll try not to go into too much detail into why since I already did that in an earlier part of the review, and you are probably all sick of the repetition by now.

No, let’s try to just summarize what I don’t like about it.

The characters are blander than a piece of untoasted bread. I seriously have an issue with these two. Spike is a stupid dog being drawn on a leash by Celestia, with no free will of his own and no emotion outside of doing whatever Celestia tells him. This wouldn’t be so bad if Celestia had any intelligence in her whatsoever. But she doesn’t. In fact, all she is is a sex toy for Spike. That’s it. She barely has any personality of her own and that’s only because in the few moments we get where sex isn’t being mentioned, she acts like an old wisewoman. Those scenes, however, are far and few between and ultimately, I learned nothing about the characters. What are Spikes likes? His dislikes? How do they compared to Celestia’s? What makes him mad? What makes him happy? What gets him into trouble? How does he cope with that?

It’s ultimately left these characters completely without character since all they are throughout this story is horny without anything to balance it out. And the little drama that there is between the characters is not interesting enough to get invested it.

The story drags on way, WAY longer than it should have. The story should have ended at chapter 7, but insisted on going for 7 more chapters! Many of the plot points have no impact since the story basically has them set to have sex right from the word go. The going to the island. I seem to remember Spike and Celestia being surprisingly okay with carriage sex and Spike wanted it even more. Hell, I wouldn’t have at all be surprised if Spike had done it if she asked.

Then there’s ‘the timer was off’ thing. Again that had no impact, since again, the story admitted that Spike was going to fuck Celestia no problem. Sure the story said that he might not feel up to the task, but since all they were doing is having sex by this point, it feels like a desperate attempt at adding tension to the story.

In fact, it feels like that in the last seven chapters, the story realized that it was running out of ideas to keep the story going since it had at least 8 other sex scenes planned out and throw together random plot elements that it could find and stitched them together in less than five minutes.

That’s how flimsy the last seven chapters feel. Not that the first seven are much better, but at least it wouldn’t have dragged on forever.

Which brings me to my next point that I want to get off my chest. The tone of the story. The story’s premise is the really bizarre thing that seems like it would come from South Park. As such, the story needed to reflect that more. But, no. This story plays it completely straight. This needed to be more batshit crazy. I’m not saying cut out the romance, but I’m just saying, this should have been a lot sillier than this.

This is especially baffling since it tries to keep its serious tone by talking about the alicorns, the dinosaurs and the birth of the universe. And then at the end, it goes right into a comedy piece again. This story had no identity. It has no idea what it wants to be, except a huge pair of breasts.

Now, I’ve been looking at this from a narrative analysis point of view. So, I’m going to try and look at this from a smut point of view. Because that’s what this story is. It’s porn.

So, how does the porn stack up?

The sex scenes were actually erotic, when you do finally get to them as they are written well. But like I said, it’s too slow to get to them.

I did mention the writing was pretty good. And it was. When it came down to descriptions and how long and detailed they were, I was actually impressed. However, that’s a double edge sword and some details were more detailed than they particularly needed, with others getting ignored.

However, there is something that bothers me about this story that makes it a lot less fun. Chapter 3. You have this set up where they are falling from the sky in a carriage and Spike lands on her, touches her breasts, and gets his tail stuck in her vagina.

It was stupid, it was idiotic, it was ridiculous, it was over the top and it was exactly how this story needed to be written!

I’m not even kidding! This was funny as hell! It was stupid, yeah, but it was funny stupid! And I can’t help but feel that the whole story should have been like this! But the story never takes another risk like this! Yeah, it tries to be funny, but never reaches this kind of insanity again! And, again, this is chapter 3 of a 14 chapter story. As such, it’s made this story completely without focus.

It feels like this story was originally intended to be a really funny batshit crazy story, but then something happened. I don’t know if it was a proofreader, the editor, or the author itself, but it took itself more seriously when we got to the island. Even the premise was more insane than anything they do sexually in the story.

Arguably, the only other chapters in this story that were even close to this level of insanity was the last two and even then that is questionable.

And again, because this falling carriage sex was so insane it makes every other sex scene, including the one where the end of the world might happen, really fucking tame. In fact, it’s the shortest sex scene and probably the least erotic of all the sex scenes in this story. And that’s because I think the story had done it so often that it lost its luster and had ultimately nowhere to go.

As a narrative story, it’s bad. As a smut fic, I think it’s harmless. Certainly not good. But if you are a fan of smut… I think you would be better to read Chapters 1-3 and maybe chapters 13 and 14, but its too slow after the carriage scene and not as funny as it should have been.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I’ve got to prepare my inbox for 1600 angry emails.

Computer, I’m going to need some alcohol.

…

Computer?

…

Computer?!

…

Ugh… one second guys…


***

Sobs echoed all through the upstairs hall as they had before. A monitor, laying on the bed, held aloft by a robotic arm, digitized tears trailing down the screen, disappearing into the edge of the screen before they could reach the bed.

Her sobs almost mirrored the clumps of the stallion climbing up the stairs. She didn’t turn to him. Instead, she slightly turned her monitor as if to get into a more comfortable position. Not that it mattered.

An irritated sigh escaped his lips. “Computer, it’s been three weeks. Don’t you think you’ve cried enough?”

A whimper came from Computer’s sound system. “You do not understand the pain I am going through. Nopony could possibly understand the pain I am going through.”

If she had turned her head, she would have seen him rolling his eyes so hard that they surely would have rolled out of his face were they not attracted. “Oh, yes,” sarcasm dripped from every word coming from mouth like too much mustard on a ham sandwich. “Because you are the only one who has ever had their heartbroken ever!”

Those words might as well have been knives in her processor for all the good they did. Another several sobs filled the room as the tears were generated faster. The robotic arm twitch slightly downward, sinking her into the bed deeper.

A loud whack was heard in her audio receivers. No doubt her master had hit himself in the face for either his stupidity or the reaction she gave him. Another grunt escaped his lips before he spoke again. “Download yourself into my phone.”

Computer shifted the monitor another few feet as if to slide away from him. “Just leave me alone.”

His stern voice spoke again. “Computer, now. Let’s go.” It was more irritated than it had ever been. Not angry. Not the kind of irritated she had ever heard before. Something else. Something she had never heard him speak with before. If it wasn’t anger, rage or hate… What was it?

Silence filled the room again. Her sobbing stopped. A robotic arm appeared from the wall and wiped at the monitor as if to wipe away a tear from her eye. Then, the monitor went black. She looked up to see the enlarged head of her master, The Critique. He stared down to her and smiled.

He looked back up and started to travel down the staircase. “Where are we going, sir?”

“You’ll see.” That was all he responded with. Staying in the phone with no control over where she was going was difficult. It was as if all she could do was trust whoever held her in his hooves. What was her master going to do, she wondered. Why would he be so stern and insistent for her to go with him?

Through the door, he traveled. He was leaving the house. Why is he leaving our home? He never leaves the house unless I force him out. What could compel him to leave?

Step by step, her master traveled down the road. She couldn’t tell where they were going. He kept his front right hoof turned down, keeping off it, so as not to crush his phone, but not let her see where they were going. The brown dirt road was all that she could take it. It would not have been impossible for her to ask. But she, somehow, knew she would get the same ‘You’ll see’ treatment. Instead, she remained quiet.

Every stumble rocked his entire body as he moved from the road to a grassy field. Finally, the grass slanted upward turning into a slope. The rustling of the grass beneath his hooves was not lost to her, neither was his breath as he continued to climb. Patches of dandelions seemingly randomly spread throughout this hill caught her eyes.

Spring was soon ending. With it, its beauty would be suppressed for another year.

Her master’s steps became slower. Slower. Until finally, they stopped. She tried to get the image of his face, but he kept the phone to the ground, obscuring her vision to only the grass below her.

His voice finally spoke as a gust of wind blew by. “Take a look at this.”

He held out the phone, the screen pointing to the west. Computer began to absorb everything she caught with her gaze.

As she had thought, they were on a little hill. What she did not expect to see was the town of Ponyville right below. A large city of buildings and shops all packed tightly together in a circle as if to highlight the magnificent fountain that sat in the center of the town. Just beyond that, was the mayor’s office. A building that was a spitting image the one from Ponyville so long ago. During the rule of Princess Twilight.

But even beyond, the small valleys that sloped into hills stretched out across the landscape. All a pure shade of green that spoke volumes of the care the land received. Various barns and houses littering the hillside and wide open spaces that continued to stretch, until disappearing into the haze that seemed to bond earth and sky together.

A soothing orange stole the horizon with hints of black at the haze stretched upward high above them. The orange light of the sun, that still just hung onto the haze mark, shined upon the clouds, creating a glowing orange outline that seemed to highlight them. As if the sun wanted us to notice them.

“A beautiful sunset,” Computer finally spoke. The images on the net had been beautiful of course. Some… perhaps… even more so. And yet… why was this one? This sunset, out of all the images she had downloaded, was the one that she would call … beautiful?

“Yeah,” he finally said. “I come up here a lot.” There was a pause in his voice. Computer wanted to glance at him, but his hoof wouldn’t move. All it would do is hold her, his elbow bent in a relaxed pose, to the sunrise as if he was afraid she would miss it. “I come up here to think. Whenever I have troubles with a review or… just my own writing… I just come up here… Helps me relax.” He sighed out a breath. “It’s kind of special to me.”

“I see.” Computer replied.

He scoffed. “I used to bring a girl up here all the time.” From his tone of voice, Computer could almost see the smile on his face. Almost as if he was proud of this spot.

“Is this the same girl who tried to eat your brain?” Computer asked. She still had not heard the whole story. He had tried everything he could think of to avoid telling that particular story. Maybe this time.

“Not important,” he responded.

Another time then… She almost chuckled.

“What is important. I… um…” He voice started to stammer. It was like he had forgotten what to say or what he why they came up here. What was the purpose? “I just … thought it might make you feel better.”

Me? … Feel better? As her eyes continue to look at the sunset, it was … soothing. Was it really the sunset? The way the colors weave themselves into the landscape and slowly dwindle into nothing to reveal a shadow over the land that darkened the sky in a black-blue shade. A blue-black sky that revealed countless tiny lights high spread across it. All of them shining down to them as if they were messengers.

“And that’s not even the best part.” He shifted his body turning completely around to the east. Unlike the west, the horizon was covered in mountains that pierce to the sky. Like a ladder to the heavens. However, like a shy filly coming out from the curtains to show her light, the moon steadily began to rise over the mountains. It’s light shining a pleasant glow as it pierced between two of the peaks.

The body of her master began to shake slightly as he held her towards the moon. “You can see Luna’s moon rising. It’s kind of cool.” He scoffs. “I know that it’s been happening here for 2000 plus years, but... “ There was a silence. Was he still thinking of what to say? He never got like this. When it came to saying what was on his mind, he always found a way to say it. Like he always knew what he wanted to say. Maybe sometimes he didn’t and just blurted out things.

But now… what was going through his head?

“I don’t know,” he finally responded to himself. “I just think it’s cool.”

Had Computer had any lips, they would have curled upward. Instead all she could do was blink her digitalized eyes and imagine a smile on her face. “Yes, sir. It is… cool.”

Throughout the night, her master sat in the grassy fields, his foreleg bent and resting on his hind leg. And Computer continued to watch the glory of nature unfold before her. Something no computer image could ever show her.

The First Artifical Alicorn

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. Ah, alicorns. Who doesn’t love alicorns?

They can fly, use magic, beat the shit out of Tirek, have fancy titles like Princesses even if they make no sense. What’s not to love?

EVERYTHING OF COURSE!

Which is why I’m taking a stab at The First Artificial Alicorn by Bron33guy

Now, according to Ink Rose, Twilight and Cadance are considered artificial alicorns anyway. If you believe that kind of stuff. So, naturally this raises the question, what kind of artificial alicorn are we looking at anyway?

Is this a robot alicorn? A pony who uses tricks to fly or use magic? Like a crutch? Or does this take place before the main six are even born? Unlikely since the story promises Twilight is already a princess.

Yeah, not sure where this is going, so I really have no idea what to expect from this. But we’re not going to find out by sitting here. Let’s take a look.

Thunder Strike kept at it.

It wasn’t easy, but those newspapers weren’t going to deliver themselves.

He wanted to perfect this new spell. He was sure that it could change the whole of Equestria.

This new spell will allow us to make money grow on trees, thus destroying the economy. … Actually, I would totally read that.

But perfecting this spell was testing Thunder Strike’s very touchy patience.

Thanks, but I had enough ‘touching’ last week.

Thunder Strike tests his spell that sends him soaring through the wall of his house, like Wile E. Coyote. After his failure, he decides to go to Sweet Apple Acres to get some apples. Why he would go all the way to Sweet Apple Acres is confusing, since wouldn’t it easier to get some from in town?

Also, don’t the Apple Family have a carriage that they send into town everyday to sell their products?

Anyway, he goes over to the farm, where he meets with Applejack.

He grabbed a couple bits from his pocket and trotted up to Applejack.

“Howdy there Thunder Strike!”

“Hey there Applejack”

And they have a large dialogue tree with very little spacing. And by little I mean, barely any. But I’ll say this at least, it is better than some of the stories I’ve read, where they space everypony's dialogue with a space bar rather than the ‘enter’ key.

“What can I do you for today?”

“Just a few apples thanks”

“4 bits”

Um… I wanted a ‘few’ apples. This is a small amount of apples

:applejackunsure: Well, you didn’t exactly give me a specific amount… So, how much do you want?

I told you! I want a few! Not a couple or a ton! Or even several!

:ajbemused: Look, I know everypony makes fun of me for being bad at math, but could you speak in numbers please?!

Thunder buys his apples and I just noticed something. A lot of characters I read about tend to have very ‘lightning’ or ‘stormy’ names. Lighting Dawn, Thunder Ice, Thunder Strike… Why can’t anypony just name a pony with a standard name? Like Tin Can or Soda Pop?

Thunder sits down to enjoy his lunch to see if he can figure out how to complete his spell. He figures it out… At least, I think he does. I really have no idea. Let’s see if you guys have better luck than I did.

Chuckling, Thunder Strike finds a spot and sits down underneath a tree and starts eating his apples. Drawing in the dirt with a stick, just random drawings for most of the time, until the final bite of his apple. Suddenly, Thunder Strike understood. He knew what, and how to end the sentence. He smirked. Maybe friendship had something to do with it. He felt lucky to try teleporting. He had failed in accuracy in the past, but today, that wouldn’t stop him!

Yeah, I’m not really sure what that means. Granted, he does have a journal entry later in the chapter, but I’m not getting a sense of what the journal entry is about or what he was able to figure out, since in said journal entry it says that he figured it out.

I guess it could be about the magic of friendship, but as we see in this story, friendship has very little to do with anything. So, why the fuck would you even mention it?

As I said, he goes to his personal journal and writes about how he plans to take this spell to Twilight Sparkle for her approval. However, he has yet to test out the spell to see if there is any potential side effects or the like.

I just have a feeling he’s going to use this spell on Twilight and she’s going to turn into a murderous psychopath who kills all her friends in a really repetitive anti-climatic way.

And literally, the next scene is the spell succeeding. Yeah, it never mentions what was wrong or how he fixed it. It just explains that the spell now works and you shouldn’t question it.

Also, I’ve been quiet about this, but this story tends to switch between past tense and present tense writing. It’s very random and inconsistent which is not a good thing. Pick a tense and stick with it!

So, Thunder decides to send a letter to Twilight in the most overly complicated unicorn magic bullshit ever.

Apologies to complaints about the weird letters I am sure the guards and mail deliverers, (and many magic scanners) might have felt uneasy about, but on my word, this letter only has a memory attached to it with what I have to show you, with the entire letter scrambled in such a way that only the sender and recievee can see the true contents.

So, you can’t just send her a letter saying to meet you and tell her that it’s important? This is way more complicated than it needed to be! Was Thunder Strike so paranoid that he needed to go through this extremely convoluted plan to make sure no one knows he’s writing letters to Princess Twilight?! Or was going up to her and asking her to talk in private too difficult for you?!

He goes to deliver his letter through the post-office, which explains that it has a heavy fee to send to Princess Twilight, but it does explain most of the cost cover security purposes. Isn’t that what tax money is for?

Anyway, the Cutie Mark Crusaders decide it would be fun to trip Thunder Strike. I know that’s what I would be thinking. Or is this them before they decide to leave Diamond Tiara in the streets to starve to death?


“It’s alright you lot” I replied, chuckling “I was just like you when I was younger”

“I didn’t know we had another unicorn out here” asked the trio of fillies, (which in a brief realization, were the trio know around town as the Cutie Mark Crusaders)

So… did… the Cutie Mark Crusaders… ask that question ...at the same time?

CMC: Come play with us, Critique… Come play with us.

*Shudders* That image is going to be in my nightmares for a while…

So, Thunder Strike explains to the Creepy Mask Crusaders that he is a magical book repair stallion and that he took over Twilight’s job when she moved to Canterlot. I was going to harp on this, but looking at the date the story was published, it was before season 4 aired, so I’ll let it slide.

What I won’t let slide is the continued talking head syndrome in this story. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen this. Where dialogue isn’t broken up by either who is talking or actions the characters might be taking while talking. Movements of their bodies and such. It ultimately makes the story feel like a bunch of floating heads talking to one another, since we barely get anything about what kind of movements they are making.

When Thunder Strike gets home, he sees a letter from… Princess Twilight? Wow, the postal service must really be working Derpy overtime. It’s not like Thunder Strike has his own personal dragon slave that can belch out letters that are sent to him.

Well, up yours, you stupid dragon!

Twilight explains his findings as brilliant and asks Thunder Strike to met with her and Princess Celestia in Canterlot.

A quick magical check I performed confirmed that Twilight, the Princess, really did write this letter. I was thunderstuck, but glad I filed off that letter first.

Okay… point you, story… That was a quick chuckle.

Even more hilarious is the note he leaves on this door when he leaves for Canterlot.

Thunder Strike’s Book Repairs

Gone to Canterlot. ETA back in Ponyville not known. Leave messages on table. Don’t ask questions.

Thunder Strike.

You know, for somepony who is trying to keep a big secret that could change Equestria forever if this information was discovered, you really suck at it. Would a simple ‘closed’ sign be too suspicious?

Also, ‘leave messages on the table’? Do you not lock your door when you leave?


He goes to the train station and boards the train to meet with Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia. However, before the train leaves, the other members of the main six appear. And thank god, the story knows the single most important thing about the characters, otherwise, I might not have been able to tell who was talking during this scene…

Their chattering is largely indecipherable, but a minor hearing enhancement charm changes that.

“… wonder what Twilight's calling us to Canterlot for?”

“Who cares? As long as it’s fun there!”

“I heard that the Wonderbolts are doing something there!”

“At least Canterlot has some of the best and latest fashion ideas there on offer!”

“Are you going to be fine for this trip Angel Bunny?”

Obviously, the order the ponies speak in are, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike… Don’t ask me where Rainbow Dash is in all this.

Why don’t you come over here and make me?!


Thunder, trying to ignore the girls, falls asleep. But story, don’t you know? It’s only a half hour walk to Canterlot!

When suddenly he wakes up and… Pinkie Pie is… what?!


Ending the spell, I go over what I had heard. Gulp. I might be taking center stage, with all of this resting on my spell working. Eventually I fell asleep A couple hours later I heard giggling. Opening my eyes, all I saw was Pinkie’s fuzzy pink mane. A bang behind me nearly made my hooves fall off as I jumped into the air and charged up my horn with energy, making it glow a nasty darker shade of my blue coat, ready to blast away anything.

“Pinkie Pie!” called out Applejack “That wasn’t nice!”

“I know, but it was funny!” She giggles

Yeah… I’m not entirely sure what just happened. What did Pinkie Pie do? There was a bang and all he could see was Pinkie’s mane? I don’t get it…

Not to mention, it keeps Pinkie Pie from being in character! Why the fuck would she go out of her way to make somepony unhappy?! Last I checked, that was my job! Not Pinkie’s!

And then… he uses his magic to attack Pinkie Pie?!


Smiling, my horn glows and picks Pinkie up and spins her around mid air a couple times, then plonks her down on the carriage floor.

Those fucking unicorns! Using their magic to bully others! This is why unicorns are assholes! They think because ‘we’re the master race, because we can use magic! And fuck you!’ Well, assholes, let’s see how ‘master race’ you are, when I CUT YOUR HORN FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND MOUNT IT ON MY WALL! LET’S SEE HOW GREAT YOUR MAGIC IS THEN, DICK HEAD!


Rainbow Dash then flies up to Thunder and… is speaking so fast that nopony can understand her? … And the reason is because she wants to know everything about Thunder?

Why the fuck would she want to know anything about Thunder?! Seriously, why would they want to know anything about Thunder?! It’s not like everypony (with the exception of Pinkie Pie) would go out of their way to know this guy?! He hasn’t done anything! Except buy an apple from Applejack! That’s it!

And even Pinkie Pie is questionable, since I’m convince that Pinkie Pie is just a Changeling in disguise! It would certainly explain the out of character behavior! And would open a new can of stupid!


It’s not like some pony they found in the woods alone and defenseless (which is still stupid by the way), but the story even admitted that he doesn’t have a lot of friends! So, why the hell would Rainbow Dash find him so interesting that it would cause her to stammer like Fluttershy when she has displayed no such behavior, not even to the fucking Wonderbolts?!

So, Thunder starts to explain his backstory, since Rainbow Dash is ‘clearly’ interested.

Thunder reveals that when he was born, he was put into a foster home with his biological parents disappearing. Okay, with you so far.

He says that they moved around a lot and as a result he got sick. Not exactly a smooth transition, but I’ve seen worse.

He saved up all the money he could and when he finally had enough and was old enough he moved out. Starting to lose me story…

He reveals that he left as early as he did because he didn’t belong at the home because he was a unicorn. And I’m lost. I’m so lost that I am not even on the same plane of reality that you are.

Seriously, non-unicorn parents have unicorn children all the time! It’s not that uncommon! My brother and sister in law have a unicorn daughter, and he’s an earth pony and she’s a Pegasus! Hell, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, both earth ponies, had a unicorn and Pegasus because they had that them in their distant relations!

Youtube Video

Unless he was abused because he was raised by a racist Earth Pony who had an unjustified hatred of Unicorns. But who would know anypony like that?

So, Thunder explains that he made his way to Ponyville, after seeing a Sonic Rainboom that convinced him to make the journey. Gee, does that sound fucking familiar?!


He arrives in Ponyville where apparently he stays for several years because it mentions that it isn’t until after Twilight defeats the Ursa Minor that he gets his cutie mark. … Just how old were you when you left Canterlot?! 4 months?! If you were the same age as Twilight when she saw the Sonic Rainboom, I’m assuming that at least 10 years passed from then to when Twilight defeated the Ursa Minor, since in said flashback you don’t see Apple Bloom and I assume that she is about 10 years old!

Are you saying you were like early 20’s when you saw the Ursa Minor and you still didn’t have your cutie mark?!

Huh… Well, considering the show has to keep the Cutie Mark Crusaders blank flanks as long as possible, I would not be surprised if that turned out to be the case. … By the way, I have not seen season 5 yet. … And probably won’t until season 5 is completed. So, there you go.

He explains to the group that he’s made an important discovery, but that he can’t tell them what.

He gets to Canterlot where he finds his way through the town via this bullshit…

I used a spell to build a 3d map in my head and then knew how to reach the castle gates.

Because apparently asking for directions or getting a paper map would have been out of the question.

Also, what is this guy? Google Maps?!


Thunder manages to get to the castle where the guards stop him.

“Halt! Who goes there?”

“It is I, Thunder Strike, here to see the Princess”

“Proof please”

“What’s that floating in front of you?”

Jesus, why is it that every story I’ve read has to be either sarcastic to the guards or downright rude?! They’re just doing their fucking jobs!


He gets inside the castle and here’s where I start to question the story again. I know, I’ve been doing it since we started, but here’s where I question it the most.

These last three chapters are unbelievable rushed! At 600 words a chapter, the story rushes through it as if the story was bored of itself and decided that it wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Whether ideas dried up or new interests came, either way, this story’s pacing is atrocious.

And you’re probably asking me, “But wait, Critique, you incredibly handsome hunk of a stallion that is perfect in every way and is totally not racist, are you saying there are only 3 chapters left in this story?”

What the fuck are you doing in my house?! And yes. This story is not only rushed as hell, it's short as fuck. We’re already on the last third of the story and very little has happened. In fact, by the end, barely anything does happen, so I question ‘What was the point of this story?!’

He manages to get to the hall of the Princesses, via telepathic map that Celestia sent him, because I guess Celestia is psychic now and Twilight asks him to demonstrate the spell to her.

So, with a flash of his horn, Thunder Strike transforms himself into an alicorn. Yep, just like that. No explanation of how he was able to do it. Nor does the story explain how he was able to figure out what he was missing. He’s an alicorn now. Don’t ask questions.

Also, he was able to become an Artificial Alicorn by way of magic! I don’t really think that’s different to know Twilight and Cadance became alicorns! Or is the story suggesting that Twilight and Cadance were alicorns the whole time?! Maybe Season 4 is all the story has seen! But that can’t be because I just said that season 4 wasn’t released by the time of this story! Unless, all the story saw was Equestria Girls…

So, even the title of this story is a lie… Smooth...

And fillies and gentlecolts, the story has been really, really bad until this point, with a rushed plot, a ridiculous character that is never explored but it couldn’t get any worse. Wait? … What's this?

I am floating in the air above the castle.

Is that what I think it is?

I perform the spell and go up high, diving just like I saw Dash did at the Young Flier competition.

Wait, this is a risky move by the story?! But can the story pull it off?!

Come on! I aint' giving in!

Is this story actually going to do what I think it is going to do?

Sparks fly. A sparkling sonic rainboom echos forth across Canterlot. Gulp. I didn't think I could actually do that! The ground’s coming up fast! Oh great! Come on artificial wings! Don’t fail me now! I pull off a 180 degree turn and just tap the hard courtyard of the castle and rocket up through Cloudsdale like Dash herself often does, only 20% cooler and faster than ever!

And the story did it! The story did it, fillies and gentlecolts! The story just jumped the shark! Not only has this story pissed on the intelligence of the audience reading this, but it has also pissed on the fans who love Rainbow Dash as a character with this unrealistic setup! One time flyer has surpassed Rainbow Dash who has been training for years and years to perfect her flight abilities! Abilities that not even Twilight could do with her first time flying!

Give it up for the story, fillies and gentlecolts! I have seen some shark jumping in my day, but that… It’s going to be legendary…

So, Twilight is impressed with this stallion's ability to show off and become an alicorn with no effort where it took her almost three seasons of hard work, determination and learning the strengths and faults of herself, and offers to study with him more about the implications that this new spell might have.

Hey, with this story, I’m surprised Twilight didn’t strip and make out with him.

So, there is some attempt to develop a relationship between Twilight and Thunder, but let’s face it, it’s about as developed as the plot for this ungodly abomination!


He meets with Princess Celestia and then… He’s in a dream world? What?!

Yeah, he’s in some kind of dream world where … something is trying to take over his mind?! I… don’t even… what?!


Okay… based on what I can gather… He enters some kind of dream world where something wants to take over his mind. He sees the images of his parents, which begs the question, how would he even know what his parents looked like? I think the image of his parents is being used to trick him, but it doesn’t work, for some reason. And then he focuses on Equestria and frees himself from the dream…

Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

And then… Starswirl comes down from the heavens to give his blessing to Thunder’s spell?!

What?!...

Youtube Video

Okay… I’m good now…

So, the story ends with Thunder Strike waking up from his coma and Twilight being there when he wakes up. No doubt to have lots of sex.

I’ll start by saying this … This story’s premise had a lot of potential.

I mean it. A pony discovering the secrets of turning into an alicorn is not lost on me. I believe there is a lot of story potential that can be told with this kind of set up.

This … is not one of them.

If this story wanted to be great, it first needed to understand the journey that Twilight had to travel to become the alicorn that she is. She had to struggle and fight in order to earn the status that she now has.

And this pony comes along and shows her that it can be done whenever anypony wants. This would be a great way to explore Twilight’s character, as she would most likely ask questions about how hard she had to work to earn her status and if everypony is the same as her, without the hard work, than what is the point of working hard.

It would have been a great character study for Twilight.

Also, for all the talk of this secret falling into the wrong hooves, this story never even tries to touch on that. This should have been a battle of Twilight and some evil force trying to get to the stallion with the secrets of alicorns and Twilight and her friends keeping said stallion safe from forces that would use being an alicorn for personal gain. All the while, questioning whether it was right or not to make others of the main six alicorns or not.

But instead of all that, we get an uninteresting character, with barely any character whatsoever. He’s bland, boring, uninteresting, for all we learn about him, he doesn’t have much of a personality. Hell, even the main six barely have the bare minimum of their personalities.

The writing is very lackluster and the descriptions are very poor. The dialogue is stale and the plot feels like it got bored after about chapter 3 and decided that it would just rush to the end, instead of telling a complete story. Overall, another example of a good idea and extremely poor execution.

Have a great day guys.

***

“Officer Wolfe, I can say the board is quite impressed with your work.”

Wolfe stood with a smile on his face. Weeks upon weeks, he had spent proving himself to the force. With all that he was accomplishing, it would only be a matter of time before his plan would be set in motion. The stallion across from him, the commissioner of the Canterlot Police Force, sat in his chair staring up at him.

“So impressed that they want to send you to Ponyville on a special case.”

Wolfe’s ears couldn’t have perked up faster. It was as if the most wonderful news had reached them. In a sense, it almost was. But he couldn’t get ahead of himself. All he knew is he was going to Ponyville. Nothing else. For all he knew, it was another waste of time. Time tracking down another Equestrian criminal, when he should have been going after his real target.

“What kind of case, chief?”

The horn on the chief’s head flickered brightly as a file on the table floated into the air. Wolfe took the folder in his hooves and opened it.

A photo of a stallion appeared. The stallion he was looking for. The green stallion with black glasses and that stupid purple scarf. What is with the scarf anyway?

Wolfe looked up to the commissioner. “What about this guy?” Trying to play his role.

“Princess Celestia has asked me to send someone to keep a close watch on him.” The commissioner leaned back in his chair. “For some reason, he’s been attacked three times by terrorists. Princess Celestia wants to know why. And she wants him alive to find the answers.”

Another folder floated in the air and flew before Wolfe. Wolfe took the file, playing the commissioner’s game. Opening it, he saw an anthropomorphic unicorn, a blue unicorn and a large human.

“These three are the ones who attacked him. Her royal highness believes that they will strike again to finish the job.” The commissioner leaned forward in his chair, his eyes catching Wolfe’s. “You’re to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A smile spread across Wolfe’s face. “Don’t worry.” He stood up out of his seat, setting the files on the commissioner’s desk. “These ponies won’t hurt him while I’m around.”

Wolfe turned around and left the office without another word. As he mentally prepared himself for the journey and move to Ponyville, his mind was already conjuring how to deal with his true target. Everything was going perfectly. Soon, very soon, he would deliver exactly what he promised. As slowly and as painfully as possible.

A Mourning Heart


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

AND THE ‘ROYAL DAY OFF’ JUST GOT 50 LIKES!

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Yeah, you guys are just here for the review, aren’t you?

Right then…

Friendship. A word I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with. I can’t imagine why. Sarcasm, lowest form of humor, blahty-blahty blah!


Now, that that’s out of the way. Let’s get to the attempts at humor that I continue to perform week after week.

A story about friendship is nothing uncommon for the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic series. One could make the argument that it writes itself. But what happens when the friendship becomes unrealistic as it has in the past? Where the overly friendly main six decide that they love the random Jane Doe more than the friends they’ve been with for at least 4 seasons? (More depending on if you’ve seen Season 5 or not.)

What we get are examples of garbage that we’ve seen a hundred times in the past and if the feature box is any indication, something we’ll see a hundred times in the future.

But enough about dogging on stories that may or may not deserve it, let’s start our review of A Mourning Heart by Professor Tacitus

The bright morning sun was shining beautifully over the town of Ponyville.

The sky was blue over Ponyville. Not exactly the most gripping, edge of my seat narration ever to start with.

And considering the story and its premise, could it not have tried to be a bit more ironic with it? Start off with this beautiful imagery of a gorgeous day presented to us with the most smiling world the author can give us? And after that, destroying it by having somepony complain about how bitter they are?

That I would have accepted, but as is, it’s just another way of saying how blue the sky was with the first line of the story! I don’t give a fuck about how blue the fucking sky was that day! What I want is a reason for me to give a fuck about the story!

The sound of birds chirping was all that could be heard until something in the distance disturbed the relative silence.

It was the day after Taco Tuesday and everypony knew what that meant.

A train arrives at the station where we meet our main character for the story, Tacitus.

Now, before you all ride the ‘Self insert is bad’ train, of which I am the conductor, let me be clear. Self inserts in fan fiction or any kind of story for that matter does not automatically make it bad. I’ve said it before in the past and I’ll say it again.

However, most self inserts I’ve read over glorify the character to the point of absurdity and they are only super-special-awesome because the story feels they are super-special-awesome, not because of anything they actually do.

And with that out of the way, ALL ABOARD!

“Now to find where town hall is and see if I can find a house,” he thought as he continued to walk and look around.

Yeah, I don’t think that’s what town hall does.

I mean, I don’t actually attend Town Hall Meetings because I just don’t care, but I’m pretty sure that town hall doesn’t have anything to do with personal housing.

As he is disturbed by memories, though we aren’t told what yet, he runs into … Oh, come on. I really don’t think I have to tell you guys who he runs into in Ponyville.

… Come on. You are all thinking it. You all know the right answer. I mean, it is so obviously this, that it could not possibly be anything else. So, let’s all say it together. Ready? And…

He runs into Pinkie Pie.

Good, you are all such good sheep.

Yes, Pinkie Pie introduces herself in her typical Pinkie Pie manner. I would love to say how much I would love to see a story where the first pony a new pony runs into is Discord of all characters, if only to make them want to leave Ponyville as quickly as possible.

Pinkie Pie sings her ‘Welcome Wagon Song’, again music in fan fiction. Can’t hear! Yes, I do realize the hypocriticalness of Mykanuary.

And the stallion reacts to Pinkie Pie with mild surprise at best. I guess he ran into Cheese Sandwich on his way here. And everypony knows Cheese Sandwich is the superior party pony.

Oh, knock it off, that only works with the cute ones.

Now, that I’ve re-established myself as an asshole. Let’s continue…

So, he asks Pinkie Pie where Town Hall is, again completely ignoring the song and dance routine and the fact that he was just covered in cake batter. Maybe he was hoping for something a bit more crazy.

Okay… last time I’m mean to Pinkie Pie in this review. … No, I make no promises.

Pinkie Pie tells him where to go, Tee Hee… Sorry. And runs off to plan Tacitus’s party.

We then cut to Pinkie’s point of view… Rather bizarrely, the more I think about it… where we see that Pinkie Pie feels that something isn’t quite right with that pony.

“Hmmm. Something seemed off about that pony, but I can’t quite put my hoof on it. Oh well, no time to worry about that now, I’ve got a party to plan!”

Off? What do you mean ‘something seemed off’? There was nothing to indicate something being ‘off’! Whatever the hell that means! The only thing in the exchange between the two is that he had a sad look on his face because you ate all the cake.

The cake is a lie.

Pop-culture references, lowest form of humor, blahty-blahty blah.

Hell, even the story admits to that! So, why would we think that something is off?!

Tacitus manages to make his way to Town Hall where upon he learns if he wants to purchase a house, he has to go through the mayor. Seems a little out of her jurisdiction, but look at it this way, she actually gets to fucking do something in Ponyville.

I would not be all that surprised if that was the case with most of the episodes for how little of an impact she makes.

So, Tacitus talks to the Mayor about buying a house. And they just happen to have a completely furnished one on hoof.

And yes, I know fully furnished homes happen all the time, but it's a little odd that no prior planning was done beforehoof by this guy. What was he planning on doing if there wasn’t a home for sale? Sleep in the dirt? Give me a shovel, I’ll help with that!

Also, what was his plan if there wasn’t a fully furnished home? Was he planning on sleeping on boards? How was he going to afford furniture?! Like a bed and shit?!  Now, many of you might say that, ‘he’s probably got some kind of job waiting for him.’ And I call bullshit on this, if he had a job, 1: He would know he was going to Ponyville to work and thus would plan a little better. 2: There is never mention of a job prior to this and honestly with the poor planning on his part, I would not be surprised if he threw darts at a map of Equestria and it just happened to land on Ponyville.

Plus, I’ve read the story all the way through and he doesn’t have a job! In fact, he needs to start looking for a job and hope they have one!

And yes, I know that it’s supposed to be because he’s too distracted by his thoughts to plan. But the story should make that clear. He should be berating himself for being an idiot and not thinking things through, thanking Celestia that he got as lucky as he did!


Something I wish I could have been. You would not believe the amount of tax money that comes out of your paycheck every month when you live in a library.

There is also the matter of you paying for the damages to the library and its content.

I liked you better when you were whining about Ultron.

So, he signs his contract without even looking at the place in question. Yeah, all he does is look at the documents. Who knows how old those are? I think that’s homebuying 101. Seriously, what if the house looked like this?

Tacitus: Wow… I’m a idiot…

Tacitus arrives at his new home and starts to examine the place, like he should have done before the purchase, but if you couldn’t tell, our hero is a bit on the slow side.

As he starts to unpack, he finds two photos that cause him grief. One he throws at the wall, shattering the frame. … Which is really odd the more I think about it.

Tacitus: Damn this tacky picture frame!

The other he weeps into.

I guess, he’s angry at the one, but why would you bring it with you, if you were just going to shatter it anyway?!

After a brief moment of mourning, (Hah, I get it) Tacitus decides to get something to eat. Well, we’ve already run into Pinkie Pie in this story about a new pony coming to Ponyville. What’s the next big thing we should do? Well, in order to figure that out, it’s time to play WHEEL OF MAIN SIX!

Oh, this is a classic. For those of you who’ve never played this before, let me lay it down for you. Whenever a story needs to know which character to introduce his OC to, they simply go to the Wheel of Main Six. Take a spin and whatever the point lands on is the character that our hero runs into next.

So, let’s take a spin and find out what we got.

And we land on…

APPLEJACK! WE LANDED ON APPLEJACK! THANK YOU FOR PLAYING EVERYONE! THANK YOU!


So, Tacitus goes and purchases a few apples from Applejack, (not a lot, not several, but a few) but Applejack notices something wrong with the new guy in town. The story claims its because of the ‘mask’ he wears, but I have a really hard time buying it, since he doesn’t really act different. He shows tears coming down his face, but maybe he got some dust in his eyes or something.

“I reckoned you were a newcomer, on account of I ain’t seen you before. My name’s Applejack.” She extended her hoof out to him.

Redundancy redundant.

So, Applejack gives the dude the apples he purchased for free. I would have argued that their financial situation is probably in the pits, as it always is, but she did give Bon-Bon like three basket of apples for free, so what you going to do?

He asks Applejack about jobs in the area, and Applejack suggests talking to Twilight. Because being a princess means you can offer jobs to everypony. I see that the mayor is still getting high off her ass.

I guess you could argue about a government job, so I’ll let it slide.

And the story comes up with a contrived way to get us to our next character by Tacitus asking where to get some new clothes to look nice for his interview. Well, how arrogant is that?! He doesn’t even know what job he’s applying for and already he knows he’s getting an interview!

Also, way to subtly tell us what character he’s going to meet next. Clearly, he’s going to meet with Rainbow Dash.

Applejack is still concerned about what she saw and promises to speak to her friends about it. I guess the concerns of a random stranger and their unhappiness is enough to disturb the main six. Again, the overly sensitive, overly friendly characters of the series care more about the feelings of Random Joe here than they did Twilight in the first episode.

So, as you would expect, Tactician goes to the Carousel Boutique and meets up with Rarity, where this scene happens.

Her eyes opened to reveal ocean-blue orbs that widened slightly as she took in her new customer, specifically taking in his choice of attire. “Oh, sweetie, I don’t believe that hat goes well with that scarf. If you’ll just let me take that, I’ll find you something more appropriate.”

Her horn radiated with a light blue glow that soon enveloped Tacitus’s hat. His eyes became wild.

“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.

Um… Wow… Do you want to go back and try that again, Rarity, darling? Only this time… DO IT RIGHT!

Is it me? Or is Rarity kind of a bitch in this scene?

I mean, she tries ripping off the clothing of another Pony who comes in to her store just because they don’t match?! What kind of mare does that?! I know it’s suppose to be about her character, but I fail to see somepony who would go out of her way to make everypony in Manehatten’s life a little better would be so callous in her approach to this.

And again, it’s just a contrived reason for Tactician to have a freak out.

After an awkward silence, Tactician apologizes for freaking out on her and Rarity apologizes for being a bitch.

Tactician explains that he wants to get a job in the education business and Rarity takes his measurements. You know, you can take my measurements anytime, Rarity. Just don’t touch my stuff.

“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.

Told you.

And so Rarity tells him that his suit will be ready LATER THAT AFTERNOON?!


… You mean, later that afternoon, like… a week from now, right?

LATER THAT AFTERNOON THAT DAY?!

Are you fucking kidding me?! What, is she making the suit out of rocks?!

I mean, I know she says it’s a simple design, but… really?!

Well, if you can make an entire home with a holographic projection room in one afternoon with nothing but rocks, I guess anything’s possible!


We then cut to Rarity’s point of view as Tactician walks out of the store. … Really oddly the more I think about it. Let me explain.

When we first cut to Pinkie’s point of view and then back to Tacitus’s, there was a page break. Then with Applejack and Rarity, there isn’t any kind of page break. I don’t think that either one is technically wrong in a third-person narrative, but good God, could we have some consistency?


Especially since the Pinkie Pie scene was as short as it was.

So, the wheel keeps spinning as it finally lands on Rainbow Dash.

“Hold up!” She flew into the rain and landed in front of Tacitus. He extended his barrier to shield her from the rain as well. “Don’t you know who I am?”

… The Juggernaut Bitch?

Rainbow’s mouth was agape and her rose-colored eyes were wide in surprise. “Duh! I’m only the most awesome pony in Equestria! Hero of Ponyville, flew in the Equestria Games, the only pony to perform the sonic rainboom? Ring any bells?”

Oh… because I thought you were a bitch in this scene. Seriously, why is it that any time any pony comes into town the main six try SUPER hard to make everypony like them?! I don’t know about you, but I would find them fucking annoying if they had to do this with every pony that comes to Ponyville! Imagine what the tours are like!


Tourist: Wow, the city of Ponyville. I can’t believe I’m here.

:pinkiehappy: Welcome to Ponyville! Wanna be my friend and learn everything about me?!

Tourist: Uh... No, thank you. I’m just here to see the sights.

:rainbowdetermined2: Hey, want to see the Magnificent Rainbow Dash perform a Sonic Rainboom while drinking a glass of milk?!

Tourist: No, I’d just like to get the museum.

:yay: Wanna say hello to all my animal friends?

Tourist: Leave me alone!

*Tourist runs off*

:fluttershysad::pinkiesad2::rainbowderp:

Another Tourist: Gosh, I can’t wait to see Ponyville.

:yay::rainbowdetermined2::pinkiehappy: Hooray! A new friend!

So, Tactician, or Tacitus or whatever I decide to call him, leaves Rainbow Dash after she makes a thunderstorm over Ponyville and … their scene was totally pointless since we already know he doesn’t want to make any friends and this scene just tells us what we already know. So, there was no point to it.

Again, nice way to introduce us to Rainbow Dash in a… time wasting way.

So, let’s see… We’ve met Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie… Obviously Twilight has to be last… Who are we missing?

Do you mind? I’m trying to think here!


He sees Fluttershy in the rain with her animal friends.

Obviously, Fluttershy giving a tour of what happens to Ponyville in the rain. … I don’t know, it’s the best explanation I can come up with.

And he decides to help her get home. Which is really weird since last scene he was able to make a magical barrier to prevent the rain from getting Rainbow Dash wet. And the animals are having trouble because the umbrella Fluttershy brought was too small for all of them. So, why doesn’t he just make a magical barrier for Fluttershy the way he did Rainbow Dash and walk away?

The only thing consistent about unicorn magic is how inconsistent it is!

So, he escorts Fluttershy home, something that Fluttershy is not all that disturbed by. I don’t blame her. I too have allowed strange men to escort me home.

Tacitus leaves with Fluttershy being extremely observant at how strange he’s acting. Not that we actually see any of that, making me convinced that the main six are now psychic.

A voice called from inside the cottage. “Oh Fluttershy! I’m so glad you’re back from your picnic. The tea was starting to get cold. I hope you don’t mind, but I let some of the rain in through the roof and made a hot tub.”

Fluttershy sighed slightly. “Coming Discord.”

Ooooh… Smooth work, Discord. Smooth work.

After his detour with the shy pony, as the story puts it, I guess Tacitus cared little about Fluttershy, even though she gave him her name, number, and social security card! He makes his way to Twilight’s Castle (Castle of Friendship? I haven’t seen Season 5 yet! So, I don’t know what the fuck it’s called!)

He mentions that he remembers when Tirek sucked the magic out of him and how it was nothing compared to the pain he’s going through now.

There’s a metaphor for this scene, but all I can think about is how much a giant evil Centaur would improve this story right now.

He walks into the library and sees Spike. Oh, more target practice, let me get my...

Sir, an email has just arrived for you. It is rather urgent.

Computer! I’m in the middle of a review! I don’t answer emails!

You might want to reconsider this one.

Fine. Post it up for me.

Dear Mr. Critique,

    It has come to our attention that your have berated Spike constantly throughout the course of your reviews. We as personal fans of the dragon, Spike, do not appreciate your constant insults to him or the wonderful work he has done for us. Therefore, we ask that you refrain from belittling Spike in any of your reviews from this day forward. If you do not comply with this request, we claim no responsibility to what happens to you or your library.

    Sincerely,

        The President of the Spike Fan Club.


Well, that was a waste of a letter! I get those every other day! Now, let’s see here… Where was I?

Spike tells Tactician that Twilight is upstairs and that he is welcome to see her. He goes upstairs where he asks Twilight for a job in the education business. Oh, yeah. That will be good for the kids. He can teach them about how home buying works. Get lucky as fuck.

He explains that he taught at Equestria University. A school for hacks! I went to Ponyville Community College! And Twilight is impressed by this and when he reveals himself to be Professor Tacitus, and


OH. MY. GOSH! You’re Professor Tacitus, the famous historian! You discovered the lost tomb of Trotankhamun, the palace of Hoofshepsut, the Roamen ruins of Nova Domus! I have your book on the history of the Roamen Empire right here.”

Okay, we’ve got an Indiana Jones fan! I shouldn’t be all that surprised with Mrs. Daring Lara Croft Do.

So, Twilight starts going fangirl on the guy and wants to be the best of friends with this guy. And Tacitus pretty much snaps at her.

This is what Tacitus was worried about. Now that she knew who he was and all he’d done, she’d want to be his “friend”, just like she did. No. He refused to be used again.

“No Princess, we’re not.” Twilight stopped bouncing and the smile fell from her face. “I didn’t come to Ponyville for ‘friends’. I came here to find a job and live the rest of my life in peace. The last thing I need in my life now is what ‘friendship’ brings. I’m sorry. Good day.” He turned to leave, but stopped at the sound of Twilight’s voice.

Well, up yours, asshole!

Seriously, she’s called the fucking Princess of Friendship! Did you really think that a subject that she is a part of would not be brought up?! And Twilight acts like Pinkie Pie when Cranky Doodle didn’t want to be her friend!


I’m sorry, but wasn’t Twilight the one who told Pinkie that maybe some ponies just want to be left alone?!


“But friendship only brings happiness.” She couldn’t understand why somepony wouldn’t want friendship and the joy it brings.

And again, switching points of view without any real indication. Again, not technically wrong, but inconstant, based on what we’ve seen.

Also, tell that to my friends! I’m sure they’d agree with you! All none of them on Facebook!


After picking up his suit from Rarity, again the suit clearly pulled out of her ass, he goes home when Pinkie Pie knocks on his door, I’m a little surprise she didn’t break into his house and set up the party there, and tells him about a party going on in Sugar Cube Corner.

Tacitus says he’s not interested, but Pinkie Pie is insistent. Again, I know I’ve harped on this. But I’m going to harp on this, until the harp strings break and even then, I question if I will stop harping on this!


THEY WENT THROUGH THIS WITH CRANKY DOODLE DONKEY!

They went through this kind of thing where someone didn’t want to be their friend, already! Why would this guy be any different?! Any attempt of friendship making they do after this moment wouldn’t work because Pinkie Pie already knows this lesson! Twilight knows this lesson! The main fucking six know this lesson!

The only reason Pinkie Pie kept going back to Cranky is because she felt bad and wanted him to accept her apology! That’s it! It wasn’t to get him to be her friend! Is that what happened? Yes, but at the same time, that was never Pinkie’s goal when she went back after being rejected!

Call me overreacting, but it makes this story unbelievable unrealistic! Maybe not a bad thing, but I just don’t find it interesting!

So, Pinkie Pie goes to Sugar Cube Corner to tell the others that Tactical Nukes aren’t coming. A sad day for us all indeed.

So, Pinkie Pie breaks up the party and honestly the story brings up an interesting point that I had failed to consider.

Rainbow chimed in. “Sounds like another Cranky Doodle Donkey incident. Maybe we should just leave him alone.”

You know, Pinkie Pie seemed to have given up on that friendship far too easily! I know I just said that he should leave her alone, but if she’s not going to leave him alone anyway, why the fuck doesn’t she just go all out Pinkie Pie?! Annoy him to the point where all he wants is to get away from her!

But no, one invite and she’s depressed about it!

She should be doing everything in her power to annoy… Sorry, I read that wrong… persuade the guy to be her friend!

The main six are positively baffled as the stallion seems really nice. Rarity explains what happened at her shop and how he got unstable when Rarity touched his stuff.

Well, I can see that’s a guy I’d want to be friends with.

:duck: Well, I went to touch his things, but he reacted very violently, called me a ‘slut whore’ and then beat me with a shovel.

:twilightsmile: That settles it! Come on, everypony! Let’s go meet our new friend!


So, Twilight and the others come up with a plan to show this guy the magic of friends. Yeah, while you're at it, maybe you can make Doctor Doom not want to be evil. Or at least, not suck in the next movie. And Pinkie Pie asks if she can go first.

“Uh, sure Pinkie,” Twilight answered. “Just try not to overdo it.”

Sure, let the psychotic alone with the unstable guy! I’m sure that will go over well!

I need a youtube video of that.

We then cut to Professor Tartarus waking up from a nightmare. Not that we actually see any nightmare and I can’t help, but feel this is a missed opportunity to get more into the psyche of our main character.

We see bits and pieces to be sure, but it would be nice to have something to piece it all together. I’m guessing he was used by somepony he cared about, but what about the nightmares disturbed him? What was he afraid of? Angry about?

I know you want to keep the gripping secret as long as possible for the big dramatic reveal of why he’s so bitter, but can’t you just hint at it?! Even a little?!

Pinkie Pie meets him at his front door and…

“Hey Tacitus!”

*Sigh* “Good morning Pinkie.”

Did he not make himself clear last night? “Just relax, she’s only saying hello…I hope.”

Did… Did you just put a sigh? Between asterisk? What is this? A RP CHAT ROOM?!


Typically you would use an asterisk when you want to put something in a footnote or something! Why would you use it to give the character the action of sighing?!

Would it be too difficult to show the physical movements and to hear the sounds of such a person performing these tasks?!

This is some RP short cut bullshit! Not a written story!

So, Pinkie Pie promises to make him smile by… Oh, god…

Youtube Video

Yes, fillies and gentlecolts, Pinkie Pie starts singing her song.

And don’t get me wrong, I love this song. In fact, it’s my favorite song in the entire series, but… What is the fucking point?!

It’s a song in a fan fiction setting! Again, we can’t hear it! We can’t listen to it! So, they’re no point to it!

And yes, it’s a song from the fandom! Yes, it’s a song from the actual show! But if you had read this like a book where the music wasn’t readily available to you, how would you be able to hear it?!


YES, I KNOW I’M A HYPOCRITE! SHUT UP!


And want to know what’s worse… Pinkie Pie forces Tacitus to participate. Now, to be fair, this is something Pinkie Pie would do, but here’s the thing… WHY THE FUCK WOULD TWILIGHT AND THE OTHERS LET PINKIE PIE GO FIRST?!

They know how crazy she can get! They know how over the top she can get! So, why would they allow her to go first?! Hell, this especially doesn’t make sense since she’s already gone through this with Cheese Sandwich!

Yeah, remember that episode! In that episode, she gets so wrapped up in what she wants that she doesn’t see what another pony wants! And when she sees Rainbow Dash not enjoying herself, she notices that if the other pony isn’t having fun, what’s the point?!


The scene shows that Tacitus is scared of many of Pinkie’s antics (Even though he’s never shown that before with the cake and such) and that he’s uncomfortable with it all!

So, anyway, Tacitus flips out on Pinkie Pie after all this… And I’ll admit… she does kind of deserve it…

“’It isn’t that bad’? How would you know?! How could you possibly understand what sadness is?! You don’t know sadness like I do! Nopony does! I’m sick and tired of ponies saying ‘I understand’ or ‘it’s going to be ok.’ Why can’t you get it through that thick head of yours that I don’t want your ‘help’ or your bogus sympathy?!”

On the one hoof, I totally agree with you. These ponies are going far too out of their way for a pony they just met. Pinkie Pie, maybe. The rest of the main six. Yeah, out of their way.

On the other hoof, Tacitus is kind of a prick here. And I know he’s in mourning, which I will let slide. As long as he doesn’t immediately apologize for acting like a…

”Oh my gosh, Pinkie, I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me, I didn’t mean any of that. I just…I appreciate what you’re trying to do but, it’s a lost cause. Please, for my sake and for your own, just give up on me. Everypony else has.” He said the last part quietly to himself, but Pinkie caught it.

FUCK!


So, Pinkie Pie finds it very quickly and easily to forgive Mr. Warhead and he continues on his way to the schoolhouse. Because children need a teacher who obviously has some mental issues to work out. I’d let my children near the lunatic!


Tacitus arrives at the Ponyville Elementary to talk to Ms. Cheerilee to discuss his employment.

And then...Cheerilee interviews him? Huh… I’m pretty sure that’s the job of a district office, or hell, I’d even accept a fucking principle at this point. But hey, the politics of Ponyville are shit. Unless this is the same universe where Diamond Tiara is dying in the street because Cheerilee kicked her out of school.

Cheerilee is impressed with his credentials and gives the stallion a job on the spot.

So, after his major blowup in Pinkie Pie’s face, what’s the best thing for the main six to do?

“Wassup Tacitus?” Rainbow Dash asked as she began to hover next to him.

DON’T YOU HAVE SOME EVIL BEINGS TO DEFEAT! ARE YOUR LIVES SO BORING THAT YOU NEED THIS GUY TO ADD SOME FUCKING EXCITEMENT TO IT?!

So, after Rainbow Dash talks the guy’s ear off, because, you know, the main six are obviously in love with this guy, they decide to leave him alone, give him a moment to cool down before letting him know that even if he doesn’t want friends, he’s welcome to talk to them because they do care what he’s going through even if they don’t understand it and…

When Tacitus was close enough, Applejack stepped out and waved to him. “Good mornin’ Tacitus!”

Applejack invites him to go to her farm and help them out. When he at first refuses, Applejack gives him the puppy dog eyes and asks him again.

Applejack… I’m going to make this a clear as possible… Come here… Atta girl. Come here… Come here…

I feel so much better now…

Sir, that was absolutely cruel!

And yet very satisfying.

So after … ugh… Tacticus agrees to go on the farm, Applejack introduces him to Big MacIntosh and he helps clear the east acres with his magic. Much like Twilight did.

I would make a comment about unicorns, but I used up all my anti-unicorn speeches last week.

Applejack manages to drag Tactician into her home to meet Granny Smith and ask him to tell more about himself. Apparently, he worked in Canterlot for many years but traveled around as part of his job.

As he puts it…

“I’m a historian, and as such, I travel to many locations to excavate and study historical artifacts and ruins.”

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, that’s not what a historian does.

Now granted, he’s probably both an archaeologist and a historian, so that would make sense. But archaeologists and historians are not the same thing!

So, after lunch, Tacitus leaves when Applejack asks about his family. With Rainbow Dash stalking him.

Yeah, that’s another thing that bothers me about the main six in this story. I know they are trying to help this guy, but this is stalker territory! If he wanted, he could go to the cops to report your stalker asses! … Although, since Princess Twilight is… well… a princess… she would probably enjoy diplomatic immunity.

Well played, Twilight…

“What is the deal with these ponies? They’re taking advantage of my nature and forcing me to get close to them. Can’t they take a hint?”

That’s it! That’s it right there! That’s the whole story summed up in that one paragraph! Do you even need me?

So… interestingly enough… the scenes with the main six actually start getting a lot shorter. Like with Rarity, it’s only a few paragraphs long. Yeah, kind of like the story was running out of ideas. Where as Applejack’s had a few scenes to get through and we learned a little more about Tacitus’s character making it worth the extra time spent on them. With this, we learn nothing about the character or any difference to how he interacts with the main six.

It’s just

:raritystarry: Be my friend.

Tacitus: No.

:raritycry:

And it doesn’t add anything to the story that we haven’t already seen. It’s pointless. I can’t help but feel that this could have only been improved by focusing on one, maybe two characters of the main six, instead of trying to shove them all in. The way this is done is really cluttered, since all these characters are fighting for screen time!

So, after Fluttershy gets her paragraph, which again… adds nothing. The Cutie Mark Crusaders crash into Tacitus. The Crusaders apologize and explain to this random stranger that they are going to the Everfree Forest to study the local wildlife.

Well, let me know how that goes when you run into a Manticore. Oh, wait, Applebloom has her Manticore Slaying Cutie Mark. Never mind. *eye twitches*

So, you are not going to freak out over it this time?

No. I’ve actually started this meditation that keeps me from freaking out about it. *eye twitches*

... Are you sure?

Yeah. I’m just fine. *eye twitches.* Now, where was I?

Meanwhile, the main six are discussing what to do about Tacitus. I am just waiting for the scene to turn out like this.

Youtube Video

:ajbemused: Professor Tacitus has refused our magic of friendship.

:duck: Indeed. His tacky choice of fashion is unforgivable.

:flutterrage: We should burn his house down and eat his children!

:twilightsmile: Do not worry, my friends. This one who spurned our friendship will get what is coming to him.

With how psychotic the main six has been acting, I would not be surprised if that was what it was leading up to.

Twilight decides to go and talk to Tacitus, but Tacitus is not interested.

Twilight was not deterred. “Don’t make me make this a royal order.”

….

…

…

…

…

Okay then… I’ll be right back…

And then, Spiders and Magic ended. The end.

Ah… I needed to get that out…

Thankfully our lecture by Twilight is skipped when Applejack comes and asks where Applebloom and her friends are. Tacitus explains that he saw them go into the Everfree Forest. Applejack and Twilight are upset by this since the Everfree Forest is dangerous and they go out to find them. Tacitus following them.

So, they gather a search party for the girls, where I guess Tacitus has enough time to meet Discord, and they begins their search for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They split up to try and cover more ground and after a while they find the Crusaders being chased by Timberwolves.

Obviously the Timberwolves are the only creatures that are dangerous in the Everfree Forest. Which is why so many stories only use THEM!

Tacitus manages to find them and drives away the Timberwolves after a brief battle with them.

After Tacitus rescues them, the rest of the group finally catch up.

Even Rainbow Dash was in tears. “You had me worried Scoots. Where would I be without my number one fan?” She hugged her adopted sister close.

Yeah, tell that to the thousands of other Rainbow Dash fans. It’s not like they’re in short supply.

So, they have a few sweet moments where they ask the Crusaders what happened and they are happy their safe and it’s actually kind of nice to get away from Tacitus for a moment and focus on…

“Tacitus, I didn’t get to speak with you before this whole search started, but I feel that I need to speak now.” Twilight waited for him to respond, but he just remained quiet and still.

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! At least wait til they get out of the forest first before having her ask that!

So, Tacitus agrees to tell them about his past, hoping if he tells them they’ll finally leave him alone.

Wait… He wants to be left alone? Well, why didn’t he just say that in the first place?

So, they make it back to the living room. I assume Tacitus since there is mention of the picture frame he shattered. And he begins his story.

“Before I start, can I just ask a favor? What I’m about to tell you all is extremely hard for me. I’ve been trying so hard to forget about it, and saying it out loud, reliving what I went through…it’s just not easy and I want to get it over with as quickly as possible. So please, while I’m talking, don’t interrupt and don’t ask questions. Just let me speak and listen quietly.”

I have a question!

Tacitus: I just told you not to ask me questions!

This isn’t about the story! Can I have a one of your sodas?

Tacitus: What? … No! You can’t have my soda!

Come on, dog! Just one sip!


“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.

Jesus guy! It’s just a soda!

“Oh, this is going to be good.” The smirk on his face quickly dissipated after Fluttershy shot him a glare. He remained quiet after that.

Why do I have a feeling that Discord is going to be wrong about this?

So, Tacitus explains that he was a bookworm in his youth and never made time for friend. Oh, yeah… Tacky Tack Tacitus… Yeah, I remember that nickname… Sorry, was reliving my childhood. Ah, good times…

Tacky Tack reveals that his parents were some of the best in Equestria, but all that changed when he met a mare named Cassy. Typical. Perfect lifestyle until a mare comes into your life.

God… this joke is starting to wear thin…

He explains that he was an expert in his field and was even called a prodigy. One day, a mare appears and he walks up to and she asks him out.

‘Oh, I know who you are. My name’s Cassy. How’d you like to go out for dinner tonight and tell me a little more about yourself? I’d love to get to know somepony as special as you.’

Huh? With those words, you were surprised she stabbed you in the back? You really are an idiot outside your field, aren’t you?

As you would expect, Cassy decides she like Blueblood more and Cassy comes out and spells it for him.

She sighed before she finally turned around to look at him. ‘Look Tacitus, the only reason I was friends with you was because you were the most famous pony I could get my hooves on. Now that I’ve met Blueblood, you don’t matter anymore.’

Huh… Bitch.

So, Tacky reveals that he was traumatized by the event and has since sworn off friendship. And then his parents die. Yep… as if he needed more of a reason to be sad. His parents die. Rather unceremoniously the more I think about it.

I mean, what is it that kills them?

The plot.

No, I’m serious. The plot came to life, grabbed a knife and went Michael Myers on their asses.

I was terrified. I quickly rushed them to the hospital, but nopony could figure out what was wrong with them. It was like their life was just slowly draining away.

I never left their side. I hardly ate, hardly slept. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, that they’d never seen an illness like this. They lasted about a month before they…passed on.

So, the parents died by some unknown disease and nopony bothered to report on it? … Okay, whatever…

And of course, everyone that he once knew when he was in the world of ‘historians’ completely forget about him as soon as his parents died. Oh, good. The world needed a few more reasons for me to not give a shit.

After the story, everyone gives Tacitus a big hug. Aww… that’s all he needed. He just needed a hug…

LAME!


Oh, and here’s a fun author's note about the death of Tacky Tacky Tack Tact’s parents.

I know some of you might be thinking that killing Tacitus's parents with an unknown illness was lazy, but just trust me on this one. The next story I have for Tacitus will go into how and why his parents died. Just keep in mind that the real reason for their deaths is a central component of the next story.

And yet, you leave the questions hanging. Here’s a thought, why don’t you tells us that they were dead and leave it at that? We certainly wouldn’t have questioned it! Yeah, it would still be out of the blue, but we wouldn’t think anything frightening or shocking of it, or ask questions.

Why not bring this information in the sequel as the first moment it appears, since that’s going to be the central theme anyway?! If this was an epilogue moment to get us to the next story, I’d get that! But this just seems forced and doesn’t focus on the important thing!

Also, thanks for spoiling that ‘there’s going to be a twist!’ in the next story! Now I can play ‘Spot the foreshadowing’.

So, Tacitus accepts the main six as his facebook friends and our story ends with him happy that he finally got to make some friend and the main six are happy that their evil plan is going swimmingly.

Because of them he could say, for the first time in a long time, that he was happy. No nightmares came that night, or ever again.

Or in this story for that matter.

Didn’t like.

Let’s start with the most obvious of problems in this story. The main six themselves. They are pushy, self-absorbed and arrogant. Why? Because they see themselves as these higher beings that feel the need to interfere with others lives and push their beliefs onto others.

Now, do I think that friendship is a good thing? Yes. Do I think it was wrong for them to want to help Tacitus? No. But they do go about it the wrong way.

They never allow Tacitus to have a moment to cool off or show any respect to him. Instead, they show how overeager they are to help him and that, ironically, drives him further away. Again, I would expect this sort of thing from Pinkie Pie, maybe Rainbow Dash if I tried hard enough, but not all of them!


All of them act like they need to save this stallion from the loneliness that is his life, but they never give any consideration or respect to Tacitus.

Which brings me to my next big problem with this story. This story is extremely cluttered. Some scenes going longer than others, with many of the main six barely able to form a conversation with him before going onto the next one. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I feel that this story could have been made that much stronger if it had focused on one or two characters of the main six.

This would have allowed more time to devote to Tacitus and how he interacts with those characters. It certainly doesn’t have to involve romance, but there has to be some kind of bond or trust and this story doesn’t feel like it has that since all the main six are fighting for the dude’s attention.

While Professor Tacitus is far from the worst OC I’ve ever read about, he’s certainly not very good. I can’t help but feel that he’s a bit unbalanced as far as a personality. Being the kindest stallion in the world one moment, and acting like a total prick the next. I’m not saying he can’t be diverse, but it often changes on a whim, with little to no build up. I can’t help, but feel that after he snapped at Pinkie Pie, he should have stayed snapped. At least, maybe for a little while, before realizing his mistake.

And his backstory is … well…. silly. I was willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt for him being hurt by the girl he thought he loved. That was at least acceptable. Not good, but at least acceptable. Then you add in his parents dying for no adequate reason! And yes, I know that this plays a part in the sequel!

Fair enough, but this is overkill and makes it seem silly rather than sad. I don’t get Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben death scene here. I get more of Sergeant Calhoun’s backstory from Wreck It Ralph.

I’m not saying don’t kill the parents off, but maybe make it his fault that the girl broke up with him. Yeah, make him so hurt by the death of his parents that he pushes everyone he cares about away from him. In fact, that would make more of his outbursts seem believable since that’s basically all he’s doing anyway. Pushing ponies away that were trying to help him. And it would follow the ‘Professors abandoned him’ bullcrap and make that more believable.

And this is him trying to recover, but occasionally giving in to the anger and grief.

The writing feels inconsistent with sometimes using page breaks and other times not and past and present tense shifts in the narration.

Overall, not my favorite story by a long shot, but give this story a little credit, with some polishing up and a little more time, this story might have actually been pretty damn decent. But as it, it feels unfocused and tangled in high ambitions.

Now, if you’ll excuse me… *eye twitches* I think my meditative state is wearing- A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK! A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK!

***

Celestia, what a day, the large Bronze Bolt stated as he trotted up his sidewalk. His massive legs putting themselves one after another. It was all he could do not to drop on the ground and collapse.

Work hadn’t been going well for him of late. They promised to give him a new position when something opened up. But that promise kept going out of reach everyday. He’d make his disappointment known, but his superiors would always reassure him that it was going to happen eventually.

He scoffed in his mind. Yeah, eventually. Maybe when Tartarus freezes over. Placing his hoof on the door knob, he slowly opened the door. A smile came across his face as the door made a slight squeaking sound. He knew what would happen when that sound reached the ears of the one’s inside the house.

‘Daddy!” a high pitch voice came from across the hall in the living room. A tiny light blue figure  with long yellow hair burst out of the room. As fast as her little legs could carry her, she appeared next to Bronze’s side.

With a chuckle, Bronze moved his massive right hoof, sweeping up the tiny filly. He pressed his lips against her cheek with an overdramatic smooch. “How is my little princess today?”

“Mommy and I went to the park after breakfast and I played with my friends, April Showers and Blue Doodle, and we played tag! And then we went to see grandma, and we went to lunch and I got chicken fingers!”

A bellow emerged from Bronze’s mouth as he shut the door behind him, carrying his little princess down the hall. “Sounds like you had a busy day.”

The little princess, Melody, nodded with a big smile as the came to the living room. A bright pink mare stood up from the seat on the floor. Building blocks littered the room with a large half built fort in the middle. Colors of all types were scattered around the fort in a seemingly random pattern. Maybe that’s what it was.

“She certainly did.” The mare made her way to Bronze’s left side, resting her hoof on his shoulder. “Her and grandma both.” The mare leaned across Bronze and gently nuzzled Melody.

A gasp came from Melody’s mouth as she looked to Bronze. “Wanna see what Grandma and I made?”

Bronze set Melody down off his shoulder and smiled. “Sure.”

With that, Melody sprinted across the room to a small plastic table, perfect for her size and swiped a piece of paper from the counter. A moment later and a few quick movements of her legs, she raised the piece of paper as high as she could. Six crayon drawings of ponies sat on it.

Melody tilted the paper towards her to see and point to each of the ponies. “Look, there’s mommy, and me and you, and grandpa and grandma, and Uncle Copper.”

As Bronze eyed the picture, each of them were widen eyed and smiling, with the exception of Copper. While smiling, he still had a narrow brow. It made Bronze chuckle. “Well, at least you got his scowl right.”

Melody made her way to her mother’s side and grabbed onto her hoof. “Mommy, let’s finish our castle!”

Sunshine kneeled down and pecked her daughter on the cheek. “In a minute, I need to talk to daddy for a second, okay?”

Melody nodded and skipped over to the set of blocks, waiting to be part of her castle.

Sunshine gave a chuckle. “She’s getting so big.”

Bronze leaned closer to her, putting his hoof around her. “That she is.”

“She’s going to start school next fall. Her first day of school ever.” A chuckle escaped her lips. “Grandma was talking about it with her. I don’t think she’ll ever be more excited for school to start.”

Bronze shook his head and chuckled. “That’s grandma.”

A moment of silence washed over them, as if Sunshine wanted to say something, but was lost in her own thoughts. Maybe watching Melody was a distraction. A pleasant distraction to be sure. But something that kept them from facing what she really needed to talk about.

Bronze could sense this. Maybe it was because he was thinking the same thing. Finally, Sunshine spoke. “What are we going to do about her? Your parents can’t always be there, and neither can we.”

“Copper would look after her. You know he would.”

Sunshine took in a deep breath and shook her head.

Bronze glanced away. “I know bro can be a bit… unique.” Understatement of the century. “But you know how good he is with her. She’ll be fine.”

“It’s not him I’m worried about,” a hiss came from her lips as her eyes started to fog. She turned, staring straight at him.

Bronze’s brow narrowed as he placed his hooves on her shoulders, turning her slightly. “Honey, we talked about this. You know how important this is.”

Her eyes glanced away as she bit her lip. “And that’s supposed to make this easier?”

Bronze drew Sunshine close and put his hooves around her, Sunshine mimicking him. “I’ll be okay.” He pulled away slightly, facing her and smiling. “Hey, you know I’m not leaving you anytime soon, right?”

Sunshine smiled and looked down. “You’d better not.” She looked up. “Because she needs you.” Her warm hoof found his way to his face, gently touching it. “Just like I do.”


Rainbows at Twilight


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Another day, another shipping, another lesbian on lesbian.

Some of you just had a pretty image in your head, didn’t you? Maybe a flashback to some ‘good’ fic you read. Well, hold onto your hats, kids, because I won’t be reviewing that one today.

No, instead I’m going to be reviewing a fic that goes through the difficulties of being a lesbian in a non lesbian world. This would actually mean something if the story wasn’t as pretentious as possible and the story’s author wasn’t a complete twat.

The goal of this story was to make it the feature box on the premise that TwilightXDash action. And that’s it

… I was going to make a joke about that, but I’ve seen things appear on the feature box for stupider things.

Wow, two insults about the feature box in two weeks! I might have to stop that. Otherwise, ponies might get the impression that I’m bitter!


Not an unfounded accusation.

Shut up!

So, yeah, not entirely improbable. Stupid? Yes, but that’s the system for you.

But enough of my bitching about petty things, let’s bitch about even more petty things! This is the review of Rainbows at Twilight by Still Not Ben Stiller

"Get out of my sight, queer!"

Hey, don’t you call me that?! Do I have to come in there and kick your ass?!


Actually, that’s a pretty damn good opening line. I mean it, it got my attention right away and pulled me into the story. But unfortunately, that line will mean nothing by the end of this. Our story begins with Rainbow Dash being beaten by her father.

Um… Wow… way to start off your fan fiction with a child beating. While it’s not very graphic, (mostly due to the poor writing) it’s pretty messed up. Why would you start your story with a child being threatened like this. I know it’s rated T, but even for a T story, that’s pretty fucked up.

I mean, who else would start a story with a child abuse scene?

How is that chapter of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance coming along?

You know what would make it go faster?

The answer is ‘shut up’.

DON’T STEAL MY PUNCHLINE!


So, Rainbow Dash runs off, but it turns out it was all a dream.

To be honest, with a bit more polishing, that first scene could have actually worked. Yeah, I don’t approve of the shit of actually showing Rainbow Dash being beaten, but it can show how lesbians are viewed by some people. It would have been a nice little touch that a story could have worked itself around.

Sadly, we aren’t in that one. As this one tries extra hard to be pretentious.

Waking up in a cold sweat, Rainbow Dash jolted up. Not the nightmares again! They were very bad for her!

Oh, really?! No kidding?! Nightmares are bad for you?! God, I always thought the guy wearing a ski mask and wielding a chainsaw ripping my organs out was always my fantasy! But if I take anything out of this story, that … is actually supposed to be … scary!

Wow, I wonder what other deep philosophical secrets this story will unravel?

Story: Rainbow Dash decided to get something to eat. Because eating helps Rainbow Dash have energy to perform the Sonic Rainboom. Especially nutritious foods like grains, fruits and vegetables.

:rainbowhuh: Is this a story? Or a PSA about eating right?

And this is where any potential this story had sinks right down the toilet gathering enough piles of shit for it to gain sentience and start plotting the downfall of Equestria.

The story quickly turns into ‘Why Rainbow Dash and any shipping besides the one I like is never going to work’ or as I like to call it ‘WRDAASBTOILINGTW’!


Yes, this is the chance for the story to be preachy as fuck and frankly, it turns the story completely boring and stupid.

Applejack appears and offers to take Rainbow Dash to lunch. Because everyone is gay in this world… No, I’m being serious. Not the kind of gay that Equestria is usually known for, but the kind of gay where we get lesbian on lesbian action and any of the straights are the ones to be ridiculed.

Um… Story, are you against gays or not? Isn’t this story about a lesbian in a non lesbian world? And the struggles they have to go through? If so, you’re doing a fucking poor job of it. It kind of makes being a lesbian not as unique when literally every character in the world is also a lesbian. Kind of defeats the purpose of this story, doesn’t it? Story? Hello? … Okay, you just keep popping those pills. I’m sure the voices in your head will just magically go away.

No thanks," Rainbow Dash rejected, knowing exactly what was going on, despite the fact they had been friendly rivals since who-knows-when. After all, opposites attract and they are too similar so this ship doesn't belong anywhere.

And … troll fic.

Seriously, it couldn’t be anything else. And even if it wasn’t a troll fic, it’s still pretentious as shit with the label that ‘I’m deep and philosophical and you all hate it because you just don’t get it!!!!!1111!!!!’

So, the story continues to go through each of the main six, trying to be funny at the same time, for some reason. This would mean something if the jokes weren’t ‘LOok at Me! I’m funny beCasue I make RainBOw DaSh do something that SHe said Sh’ed never DO! And then CALL her a HypoCrite!’

That’s not funny, bro! That’s being a twat!

Rainbow Dash gets to Twilight’s and is blinded, for some reason that the story doesn’t even want to try and tell us, and she gets her sight back by the power of love. And then we have this line that made me chuckle.

"Still a better plot twist than a human being a lost brother of the Princesses," Rainbow Dash said.

Actually, that’s funny, story! Because I read that story! It was shit! But it was still better than this shit sufflay I’ve been served!

Some more stuff happens and the story continues to be pretentious all the while thinking that insulting the audience is funny and our story ends with a rant from the Doctor for some reason… I can’t tell if it’s from the author or the character…

"Don't give me that shit. I'm going to tell you a story. Back when I was in high school, I knew a guy who liked video games as well. That was the only similarity we had. No, he didn't want to suck my dick because he had a girlfriend. No, I didn't want to suck his dick. Ergo, your opposites attract is false and I am living proof of it. In addition, if opposites DID attract, then why isn't FlutterDash popular? They're full opposites and have been friends for who knows how long. Two legitimate reasons right there. Also, if opposites attract, then they'd be ATTRACTED to the OPPOSITE gender. Shrekmate, bazooper. And no, this isn't my opinion. This is fact, so don't even consider trying to minimize me. You'll just embarrass yourself. Any questions, redirect them to my ass. Doctor Whooves, or rather, a pony just speaking for a higher and sexier power, out." He then went into the TARDIS and warped to god-knows-where. Probably to another trashy fic.

I’m not even sure what to make of this. You know what, I’m not even going to try to make sense of this. I figure it’s not worth the brain cells it would take.

In fact, that’s the story as a whole. It’s certainly not engagingly good. Nor is it amusingly bad. It’s just kind of there. Like your best friend who is drunk and the best humor he can come up with is fart and boob jokes. Fine for the first second and a half. Anything after that, you just want to take his jokes and shove them down his throat so far that they come out of his butthole!

As a legitimate fic, it’s bad. Really stupidly bad.

As a troll fic, it’s even worse.

It’s not bad enough, funny enough, takes enough risks, or bat shit crazy enough to be a good troll fic.

A troll fic is something that intentionally makes the audience upset and makes them feel uncomfortable. This story didn’t do that to me. On the whole, I found it rather boring. There wasn’t anything offensive enough to make me cringe nor anything good enough to make me want to keep reading. It just felt like the author saw what other trollfics were doing and decide ‘Hey, I can write one of those’ without really understanding how trollfics work.

The only semi-decent scene, ignoring the lack of descriptions and context, was the first scene, but then the story tries to be a comedy after that, completely ignoring the fact that she was beaten. I didn’t even remember that scene by the time this story ended. And that’s not good trollfic writing either. A good trollfic would have made me remember that. This one couldn’t.

Not impressive. Thumbs down. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put my head in a bucket of crab cakes with chainsaws for teeth while singing ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy’.

***

Hey, guys!

Wow, short review this week…

Okay, but the thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is I just got over 150 followers! I know right?! Something I never thought I would get! Thank you guys so much for continuing to follow me! Whether it be for my stories, my reviews, my personality, whatever your reason, I appreciate every single follow I get.

And I’d like to take this chance to get to know you all better and I’d like you guys to get to know me better. So, here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to have you guys ask me questions about things you might like to know about me, but were too afraid to ask.

Now, there is a catch to this, I will only answer questions that you answer to me first. For example, if you were to ask “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” You must leave some kind of answer before I will answer it back. Like “A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck.”

Then I would respond by saying “8 and a half. Figure that one out.”

And it can be about anything, books, games, movies, personality, future projects, whatever. I will not answer any questions that are not answered by the one who asked the question.

That’s all I’ve got for this week. Tune in next week for another review. This time I’ll review “Descending Desires” by RedSketchPad. Until then, take care.

Descending Desire

No. Critique’s thoughts echoed in his mind as he combed shelf after shelf looking for the perfect story to review. It was a chore that he had been working all week. And yet, he was no closer than when he started.

Book after book flew from the shelf to the floor in a chaotic fashion with grunts of disapproval coming from Critique.

All the books in this library and yet, he hadn’t found one that he would be able to review. “Jesus, what I wouldn’t give for a story to review.”

The chiming sound of the doorbell ringed in his ears. With a whip of his head, his eyes saw a dark figure just outside his door. Making his way to the door, he grumbled under his breath, cursing the names of various gods and goddesses of why anypony would be at his doorway.

Opening the door, a stallion reveals himself. The stallion gives a sly smile.

“What?” Critique demanded, irritation flooding from his tone.

The stallion looks to his side and raises a book from his hoof. “May I make a request?”

Critique shook his head. “I don’t do requests.” *

A chuckle escaped the stallion’s lips. “I think you’ll find that this story is worth checking out. It’s fairly popular.”

“That doesn’t mean shit,” Critique replied, his eyes narrowing.

The stallion bottom lips whimpered as if he was about to cry. The pathetic sight caused Critique to roll his eyes and sigh. “Fine, I’ll take a look at it.”

Before the book could arrive in Critique’s hooves, it was dropped to the ground. The stallion rushed off into the town without saying a word. Leaving Critique to stand outside his doorway, a dumbfounded, mouth open, eyes widened look on his face.

“What the hell was that?” Critique asked himself as he picked up the book. With a slam of the doorway echoing behind him, he glanced down at the title of the book. His heart sank…

***

Okay, I’ll be honest with you guys. I’m not excited to review this one. The last time I reviewed a antro story about a pony and something else having sex with one another, it left me with the impression that I really need to rethink not pursuing that cyanide taste-testing career.

And believe it or not, this story is actually worse than that one. Don’t dutiful dunces devise deep dramas that don’t defecate diarrhea. Damn it, I don’t desire to delve into the desultory deluge that is dirty discourse (Tee hee).

Alterations aside, auspiciously… This story works about as well as Romeo and Juliet if Shakespeare had a massive head lobotomy and constantly thought his toes were conspiring against him.

Not that I think writers don’t need to be a bit crazy in order to produce what they do. The imagination is nothing more than Crazy Carl partying the night away on Friday with a 12 pack. Only for the harshness of reality to come down to him the next morning.

But there comes a time when imagination needs to be wrangled up a bit before the person hurts himself. And that is our subject today. A man desperately crying out for help with his out of control drinking/partying/streaking habits.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m talking about Descending Desire by A Red SketchPad

I see the opening artwork and I can see why the green lightsaber is lit up. The only thing that would have gotten more views and likes is if a pair of boobs tried to escape Chrysalis’s barely functional bra!


I don’t care what anyone says, you want to get insta-popular, you don’t have to work for it! You just have to provide fan service.

Well, unfortunately for you, story, I am immune to her dark hued hair hugging her heart, as if to highlight it. Causing your eyes to direct themselves to the pair of blackened breasts that beat with the breeze she breathes in. Steaming sweat that slithers down the sides as she slips…

Sorry, got off track for a second… Here’s a farty noise.

Youtube Video

Ahem… This is… the review…

Our story starts off with Shining Armor in a pub, drinking his troubles away. I know how you feel, Shining, I’ll be there by the end of all this.

So apparently he’s depressed because normal ponies have begun to migrate to the Crystal Empire. And this is a problem because…

Because…

Because…

Because of the wonderful things he does?

Actually, why is this a problem?

Is it overpopulation? Racism? The fact that the Crystal Empire is now ruled by an Equestrian rather than someone from the Crystal Empire?

That’s an awful lot of unanswered questions and the story isn’t even done with it’s first paragraph yet. Don’t you think that the story would have spent a lot more time on the first thing we see to make sure that a giant gaping plot hole wouldn’t stare us in the face the moment we open it?!

Yes, it says that the Crystal Empire is having problems with normal ponies migrating there, but it never makes exactly clear why.

As I look to when the story was first published, I see that the story was published several months after season 3 ended. Didn’t one of the episodes that ended Season 3 ‘Games Ponies Play’?! That episode with the incredibly underrated Mrs. Peachbottom?!


SHUT UP, I like that character!


The way I remember it the Crystal Empire wasn’t exactly unwelcoming of Equestria’s citizens. In fact, it seemed to be another day in the Empire that is somehow important, but no one exactly knows why.

In fact, why would this be an issue for the Crystal Empire who were eager to host the Equestria games, which was what the episode was trying to do in the first place?!


I know I won’t let go of this, but this is how the entire premise of this story is built! At least if there was some kind of explanation going on here, that’d be one thing. All the story needed to do was come up with some bullshit reason! It would have been bullshit, but at least we would have had a reason!


So, Cadance and Shining are drifting further and further apart due to not being able to see each other and Shining is upset because he’s not getting as much bang for his buck.

Good to see we have a story that thinks marriage is a fucking walk in the fucking park! This must be the same guy who thinks love triangles are still cool.

So, the bartender tells Shining that he’s being an idiot for something that Shining should probably be fully aware of.

"You really need to get up and show some authority, sir." the bartender commented as Shining Armor was half-done with his mug. "I saw the political debate this afternoon and...well, I could tell it wasn't pretty. The princess could've used your help when they started to get riled up."

No, I’m not going to give up on the idiotic premise, because again, it’s the driving plot of the story. Why is the Crystal Empire upset about this? What is there to lose?

Are you afraid that ponies might have money that they can spend on your shit?! Stimulating the economy?! Are you afraid of success?!

Also, since Shining is unaware of his wife’s troubles and the struggles she has to go through, ruling a fucking kingdom every fucking day without a surrogate ruler, like Luna, maybe you’re the one with the problem, Shining. And as we will see in the story, Shining is the victim.

I’m sorry, but as bad as your situation is, don’t you think your wife has it a little bit worse than you do, dickweed?


This is especially relevant with what we see later from Cadance. And I’ll comment on that bullshit when we get there.

So, a mysterious figure walks into the bar… no, this is not the start of a bad joke. Unless you mean this story… in which case the joke is on me... and starts hitting on Shining. Shining is shocked by this and offended, until he figures out that it’s Queen Chrysalis.

And Shining actually starts getting attracted to her.

Well, good on that one, story! Let’s have the guy fall for the girl who brainwashed him and tried to rape him! I’m sure that will work itself out in your favor, you perverted dimwitted shit!


There’s not even a moment where Shining actually would believably fall for her. Give the story with the longest name in the history of Equestria some credit, when Cadance fell in love with Chrysalis it was at first because she felt sorry for her as she was slowly dying on the side of the road, speaking volumes about Cadance’s character that she is not cruel enough to even let the witch who wanted to kill her die if she could help it.

As well as speaking to Chrysalis’s character who showed that the Discord method of reforming can happen to her as well with the right friend attached to it.

In this story, Chrysalis shows up and Shining falls for her. There is no build up to this point, it just happens as a contrived reason for the sex scenes to show up as quickly as possible so the story can get as many faves as it can before anyone can realize, “Hey, this is actually kind of shit! Give me my fave back!”

Oh, yes, and Shining is apparently easier to get into than the feature box. OOOOOH!

Actually, I should make that clear, not every story that is in the feature box doesn’t deserve to be there. Only about 90% of them.

I’d never thought I’d come back to this, but SOLAR EMBRACE HAD MORE FUCKING BUILD UP TO ITS SEX SCENES! Yes, when it was rushed, it was rushed, but it at least tried to build the relationship before having full on intercourse with one another!


This is just… “We met on the street, let’s fuck!”

This wouldn’t be as bad if this was even close to in character for either of them. They’re sworn fucking enemies! Chrysalis I would almost even give a free pass to because of her mind control bullshit over Shining, but even that I argue because he had the power of the fucking shield!


Shining has no reason, or in this case, the dumbest of dumb reasons for doing this! He has no reason to spend time with Chrysalis after she tried to kill him, his sister, his family, and his wife! I’m starting to think that this story has its head up its own butthole!

So, after their night of forced sex with the author holding a gun to their heads, we see Chrysalis make plans to run away with Shining. And wouldn’t you know it, Shining Armor’s badge is seen in the midst of a terrorist attack by normal ponies (Non-crystal ponies) which sounds 8 billion times more interesting that the fucking piece of utter contrived crap that we got, so everypony thinks that Shining Armor is dead.

Chrysalis tells Shining and wants to run away with him.

I guess I’ve commented on the plot enough that I can comment on the writing. It’s shite! It’s utter shite!

The important parts of the story are pretty much glossed over as far as actually giving us details about emotions and such. Not just in the more prominent part of the story, the sex, but in the minor parts like the terrorist attack and the details about what kind of problems the Crystal Empire is facing.

It prefers to tell us everything that is happening, rather than showing it.

I wish they had a name for that.

Most of the sentences start with “He did this. He did that. She fucked this. She fucked that.” It gets really repetitive, really fast, without much variety in the opening word of every fucking sentence.

A month passes after Shining Armor’s death. I wish that was the official canon in the story and we see Twilight Sparkle watching a television newscast of the fucking thing. Yeah, I remember when during the Changeling invasion Pinkie Pie watching Barney and Friends before the series was canceled for reasons most ponies don’t acknowledge.

And apparently, Cadance is having a bit more trouble with more terrorist acts within her own empire. Why is it that the interesting story is told in a newscast that Twilight Sparkle is watching instead of actually seeing what is happening?!

Why is it that because the author’s willy needs to be satisfied that we can’t have a coherent story?!

How many good ideas must we sacrifice to the mastribation gods before we can be free of the sin of pointless sex overshadowing decent storytelling?

I’m not against sex in a story! Far from it actually! But it’s got to have some fucking context! You can’t build your entire story around it! You’ve got to have good characterization, a distinguishable plot that makes sense, and the restraint to not put your two favorite characters together ‘just because I want them to fuck’!


Twilight Sparkle is hesitant to believe that her brother, Shining, is dead. But the evidence clearly shows that all that remained was his badge. Okay, going to have to stop you again, story.

I’m sorry! I know we’ve only just barely started chapter 2! I know that I’ve ranted about every little thing that has come up in this story! I know I have, but… the story only continues to show how stupid it is!


Her brother, the Captain of the Royal Guard, dead from a simple fire? That was impossible! He might've leaved a trail or there would've been smithereens of his clothes or some evidence. But it was proven. The fire was vicious and all that remained of Shining Armor was his badge.

So, there was no skeletal remains to test if Shining was alive or dead? I’m not exactly an expert in pony physiology, but BONES ARE NOT MADE OF FUCKING PAPER! Bone take a massive amount of heat to burn and to turn to ash!

What? Were the terrorists using bombs?! Well, we have T.V, so why the fuck not?!


Also, wonderful job on the word ‘leaved’. I can see a proofreader was out of the question. Unless you were talking about Shining leaving a trail of leaves for Twilight to follow.

So, Cadance starts acting differently due to Shining’s death and decides to turn herself into an evil Nazi Warlord. I can see Mykan jizzing his pants right now saying “God, why didn’t I think of that?!”


And she wants to invade Equestria because she’s upset her hubby died. And of course, Shining can’t send a letter to Cadance explaining that he’s alright. Because that would imply Shining taking responsibility for his actions and the fact that he cheated on her and this is all his fault!


No, it makes much more sense for him to leave the country, fake his death to run off with a woman who tried to rape him and murder his wife, causing his wife to go batshit insane, slaughtering thousands of innocents and killing his younger sister and parents and pretty much everyone he knows and loves in a bloody, pointless war. All because he was depressed that he and his wife didn’t get to spend as much time together as he wanted!

Tell me you wouldn’t do the same!


Youtube Video

Spike goes to Twilight and tells her that the services are today for Shining Armor. Twilight doesn’t want to go, because she doesn’t want to accept that her brother is dead. This is especially funny because of this line.

Everyone had their own way of trudging through the grieving process and from Twilight Sparkle's point of view, Princess Cadence was taking it way too harshly.

So, Twilight’s idea of coping with Shining’s death is to stay in bed all day and cry her eyes out for several weeks? Not really seeing the productive side there. Yeah, she didn’t turn into a murderous psychopath, but not doing anything, despite that she knows what is going on, is just as bad, if not worse!

I know she’s grieving, but innocent ponies are going to die if you don’t do something!


And we get our friend, bland writing, to appear again, with ‘He said this. She’s doing that.’

Wait, what?

He was saddened too, but he wasn't going to sit around and let this become a big deal. He's sure that Shining Armor wouldn't want her to grieve like this.

Now, we have tense shift to the list of problems that this story has. God, I’ve seen grocery lists that don’t have as many things on them!

So, Twilight manages to convince Spike… very easily, actually, that she’s not going to the service. Spike goes and explains to Twilight’s friends… who take it rather easily.

You know, this story is unbelievably rushed at this point. I know it feels like I’m taking forever to get anywhere with this, but there is just so much dumb to comment on.

Why the fuck aren’t her friends trying a little bit harder to help her? Yeah, for these ‘friends’ she supposedly has, they do a pretty poor job of trying to get her not to do something she’ll most likely regret.

They know how important Shining Armor is to Twilight! Fuck, Twilight sang a fucking song about how much Shining Armor meant to her! So, why would her friends just accept that she doesn’t want to go to his service where she’ll most likely hate herself for the rest of her life, if she doesn’t go?!


A lot of people in the comments say that this story is bad because Cadance is out of character! But, I’VE FAILED TO SEE ANYONE WHO IS ACTUALLY IN CHARACTER!


Jesus H. Jesus, can I just get one moment in this entire story that actually has an intelligent character?!


So, Cadance starts training her minimal fighting force with a stallion who is 42, but looks 21… Wait, what?

She walked toward Clear-Cut, a weary looking stallion, who had a clipboard in his hands. His muscles were built, as if he was purely cut from a sapphire stone. His amethyst hair was slick back, showing off his widow's peak. He was the leader of C.Y.R., and despite his age of 42, he looked more like he was 21.

… I’m not going to lie… This is a hard one… This is a really difficult fic to get through for me. Every paragraph feels like a hammer to my face, driving a nail inch after inch closer to my brain. It’s actually physically hurting me to read through this story.

I can feel pieces of my brain screaming in agony as they take in their final breath.

A 42 year old, that looks 21? Are you fucking kidding me? When did this turn into a ‘Count the Human in Equestria story cliches’?

The … 21 year old tells Cadance that their plans are going slowly and that most ponies in the Crystal Empire won’t follow her because she’s scary. And what does Cadance have to say about her lack of troops?

"We need more soldiers! Not a group of young stallions who can't control their hormones!"

Perfect words to describe this story.

So, the Changeling army appears and asks to help Cadance in her war against Equestria. And since this is Cadance after she’s been replace with a cardboard duplicate of herself, she agrees to Chrysalis’s offer to fight in the war against Equestria… even though Cadance has no reason to trust her since she tried to kill her and rape her husband…

And then… the Changeling Emissary turns into Shining Armor and carries Cadance away like he did on their wedding night?

Yeah… I think this scene speaks for itself… I don’t think I really have to comment on it. I just think that you are all intelligent enough to know why that’s so stupid. So, I’m just going to move on and hope that… nothing stupider comes of it.

A fool’s hope, I know, but just let me have something…

Oh, and just to piss off me even more… We get this…

Good evening, and welcome to CNN news! Unfortunately, most of our crew has been drafted into the Equestrian Army in order to increase the forces needed to fight back the Crystal Empire Army and, most unfortunately, rescue Princess Luna. That's right. Princess Luna, who has been sent to give a peace treaty to their niece, Princess Cadence, has been taken hostage.

… WHEN THE FUCK WAS THAT?!


I don’t remember reading that! Do you guys remember me talking about that?! I don’t remember ever saying anything about Luna being captured by the Crystal Empire! How the fuck did they capture Luna so fucking easily?! I seem to remember Luna kicking some ass when she fought Celestia!

So much so that Celestia had to use the Elements of Harmony on her! Assuming that Luna is as powerful as Celestia, if not more so, Celestia would have beaten Chrysalis if not for Shining’s love for Cadance… Which coincidentally is also missing from this fic!

Wouldn’t that be like Mare of Steel telling us about the big fight between Supermare and Zod?

:rainbowdetermined2: And Zod and I had this big fight in which all of Canterlot was leveled by the end of it. It was really, really tough, but I beat the guy.

Or how about Apple’s Blossom if it skipped all the work that Apple Bloom put into the cherry tree?

:applecry: I’m sorry, Applejack! I planted some seeds thinking they were apple seeds, but they weren’t apple seeds, they were cherry seeds and I took really good care of the tree and it looks strong and stuff, but it’s a cherry tree instead of an apple tree.

:applejackunsure: And… where did you do this?

:applecry: … Off screen?

:ajbemused: I’m sure people are going to be pissed about *not* seeing that.

The newscast, oh, yeah, that’s how we learn Luna’s been kidnapped. A fucking newscast! Tells us that they are doomed to repeat a war that has happened before.

When the fuck was-

Fuck it, I don’t care.

"and you expect me to not be sad while my sister-in law sided with Queen Chrysalis! QUEEN! FUCKING! CHRYSALIS! You know, the one that was near success in taking over our kingdom!?"

…

…

…

…

You know what this feels like… this feels like a story that someone wrote… to attack me. This is like… supervillain kind of evil… A supervillain literally wrote this … to attack me. This feels like the story that was purposely written to annoy me. This is a target troll fic, isn’t it? Everything… Every-fucking-thing that I hate about fan fiction writing is in this fic! Everything! There is not one redeemable quality in this story that is even worth talking about! I am literally commenting on every single sentence that is how much this story pisses me off! I’m sorry! I can’t get through this is one setting! I can’t! I literally cannot! So, I’m going to go out and clear my head!

While I’m doing that, here’s something to cheer you guys up! Because I sure need something to cheer me up!


Youtube Video

…

…

…

Jesus…

Let’s continue…

So, Twilight’s friends, FINALLY, come to visit her and try to talk her out of staying in her house. Twilight blames herself for allowing Cadance to become as depressed as she is. The main six continue to try and help Twilight, while being some of the worst writing I’ve seen in a while. Especially sense there is mention of Octavia dying in the same fire that killed Shining Armor.

Yeah… apparently…

God, can we please cut to something less stupid?!

We cut to Cadance, (yeah, we didn’t.) where she is interrogating Luna and then…

… She rapes her?!


… Cadance … rapes… Luna?!


…

What the… What THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!

Youtube Video

NO, NO, NO! FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS STORY! FUCK THIS STORY AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!

THERE IS NOTHING TO ENJOY ABOUT THIS FIC! NOTHING! I CAN’T EVEN RIDE “THE SEX IS REALLY GOOD” TRAIN! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE FUCKING SEX IS PRETTY MUCH GLANCED OVER AS QUICKLY AS THE SCENES THAT ACTUALLY HAVE STORY TO THEM! THEY’RE THE FUCKING SAME SEX SCENE THAT WE’VE SEEN IN THE LAST THREE FUCKING CHAPTERS! GIVE SOME CREDIT TO SOLAR EMBRACE, AT LEAST WHEN ITS STORY WAS UTTER GARBAGE, THE SEX SCENES WERE AT LEAST DESCRIBED WELL ENOUGH THAT IT BECAME ERROTIC! AND IT AT LEAST BUILT UP TO THE ACTUAL INTERCOURSE BY TAKING IT A LITTLE SLOWER!

THIS… DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THAT DISTINCTION!

AND AT LEAST THE OTHER CHARACTERS, CELESTIA AND SPIKE, ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING BEYOND JUST HAVING SEX! THEY WERE ACTUALLY TRYING TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, TALKING ABOUT PART OF THE WORLD, BUILDING ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP!

THIS … DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THAT DISTINCTION!

AT LEAST IN SOLAR EMBRACE THE TWO CHARACTERS WHO WERE HAVING ALL THE INTERCOURSE WERE AN CRUCIAL PART OF THE STORY! THEY WERE INVOLVED WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED AND WERE THE CENTER PIECES OF THE ENTIRE STORY!

AND WHAT HAS SHINING ARMOR CONTRIBUTED?! YES, HE'S THE "REASON" THIS IS HAPPENING! BUT WHAT HAS HE ACTUALLY DONE?! FOR OUR MAIN CHARACTER, WHAT HAS HE ACTUALLY DONE?! FUCKING NOTHING! NOTHING THAT CONTRIBUTES TO THE PLOT IN ANYWAY, SHAPE OR FORM! AND THAT DOESN'T CHANGE AT ALL THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THIS STORY!

I WOULD RATHER READ SOLAR EMBRACE, MY LITTLE UNICORN, GAINBOW DASH, WHY DID I DO THIS, AND SOREN THE ALICORN! SOREN THE FUCKING ALICORN COMPARED TO THIS!

I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, MAYBE the fic is really…

Computer, what happened to my caps just now?

Well, you just drained the budget on our caps in that one rant.

I did?

… Holy shit… I don’t think that’s ever happened before… Well, what did you expect from this piece of shit?!

So, the war continues on, but the author clearly doesn’t give a shit, so why the fuck should I?

And Derpy arrives to tell Twilight that Shining Armor is alive. Twilight goes to find him with the rest of the squad not far behind. Derpy only knew that Shining was alive because she walked in on Shining and Chrysalis doing it. Apparently, that is all they’ve been doing since they ran off together.

So, Shining Armor finally finds out about the war that’s going on … What, was he so distracted by Chrysalis’s penis that he couldn’t focus on the rest of the world?! Yeah, I know what I said…

And confronts Chrysalis about it.

But after a brief explanation, Chrysalis and Shining laugh about it.

Ha, ha, thousands of people are dead, Luna’s been raped, Twilight and Cadance have been mentally scarred for life, but that’s okay because we had fun. No, we didn’t, you fucking fucktards!

So, Shining and Chrysalis go to find Cadance and explain to her that it was all just a big misunderstanding. … Probably could have happened a few chapters earlier, but the author’s hand was in his pants the whole time. So that wasn’t exactly priority.

So… I guess, Twilight and the others plan a rescue of Luna… and they… somehow crash a carriage into the Crystal Empire… Meanwhile, Cadance continues to attack Luna… when Shining and Chrysalis… show up?

I don’t know… frankly, the fic has given up at this point and is just putting dick and boob jokes instead.

Celestia goes on a rampage and goes God Empress of Ponykind on them. I would say how out of character this is, but if this story comes in with Exterminatus to eradicate every trace of this story, I’m all for it!

So, a battle ensues, I think, it’s pretty damn hard to follow… and I’ve pretty much stopped caring at this point, where Cadance sacrifices herself for Shining Armor. Well whoopity do fucking da! Glad to see that everything we’ve seen up to this point, was fucking pointless as Shining Armor admits to loving her.

And then in all the dick moves in all the world, the story has the dick to let you pick who Shining Armor wants to be with. Well, in keeping with the spirit of the story, I choose to not give a shit.

Do I really need to go into great detail with why this story sucks as much dick as it does?

The story is bullshit, the characters are completely unlikable to the point where all I want to do is call them c&#*# the entire story! A word I don’t even like using! But that’s what they are! They’re all fucking c&#*#! None of them are relatable! None of them are characters you can agree with their actions! They’re all horrible, horrible ponies that have no respect for anypony but themselves! And I hate every single one of them!

The OC’s in this story have no rhyme or reason to them! They have no reason to be in this story and they don’t help further the plot! They aren’t interesting, they’re not entertaining, they’re not fun! And that’s what this fic is as a whole! Not fun!

The writing is boring, the premise is stupid, the story is completely ugly from start to finish and there is nothing to be enjoyed, even as a bad fic.

There was nothing that stood out like Solar Embrace nor something that made me laugh like the story with the incredibly long name. It’s rushed as fuck, lazy, and ultimately not fun.

And it is a story I hope I never have to acknowledge it’s existence ever again! I hope it burns in hell! Fuck this story!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go apply for the cyanide taste-testing job! At least they offer hazard pay!

Youtube Video

***

The curses that emanated from the Ponyville Library pierced Wolfe’s eardrums. He had expected this kind of reaction from his target. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Not enough for Critique to take his own life.

The lone stallion was tougher than he thought.

He reached down to his communicator and switched it on. After a few moments, a black alicorn’s face appeared on the screen. “Prince Silver Haze, I’m afraid that the review is made of tougher things than I thought.”

The black alicorn place a hoof on his chin. “That’s unfortunate. I was hoping that I could write a story so bad, that he would commit suicide.”

Wolfe shook his head and sighed. “I told you that was a stupid plan. I should have just taken his head myself.”

Silver Haze scoffed. “Fine, whatever. Just kill him then or something.” He turned away from the screen. “I don’t ever want him to make fun of me ever again.”

“He won’t.” Wolfe replied as the screen darkened. “Not when I’m done with him.”

***

*Critique actually does take requests.


Just a Glance


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Today’s story is something I haven’t really done before. A story centered around one of the episodes of the series. Most of what I get are expansions of the universe. Usually very poor expansions, but still. Or stories set in an alternate universe.

This is the first time I’ve ever reviewed a story that coincided with events of an episode or set during an episode.

I’ve always liked the idea of these kinds of stories since it allows us to get to know other characters that aren’t the primary focus. These usually involve background ponies and one could make the argument that the character we are focusing on today is a background pony.

Flash Sentry…

Don’t do that… Ever…

Yeah, I’ll get back to my thoughts on him in a minute.

Let’s first talk about the episode in question that the story is going to be set by. Three’s a Crowd. Yeah, if you recall, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode. In fact, I would call it forgettable. While Discord was entertaining as always, I feel like it was a missed opportunity to explore Cadance a bit and hear her backstory and a bit of her personality.

The only other thing I mentioned is the appearance of Flash Sentry. For about 5 seconds. … Yeah, what was the point of reminding me of that god-awful movie and the miniscule role he played?


As you can probably guess by my hostile comments, I’m not a huge Flash Sentry fan. No, I’m not opposed to the pairing between him and Twilight Sparkle. I know that’s hard to believe considering how many times I bash romance in fics I’ve reviewed.

But it’s because Flash Sentry was a tool in Equestria Girls. You honestly could have just cut out Flash Sentry and instead, focus on our villain, developing her more to the point where she can actually be an interesting character.

I’ll save my thoughts for Sunset Shimmer for another day. Preferably after I watch Equestria Girls 2.

You’ll forgive me if I’m not exactly ecstatic to watch the sequel to a movie I didn’t really like.

But I think that’s enough giving my opinion. Don’t want the fan base to get upset with me and then me leave a video rant about how much the fandom sucks and how I’m leaving the fandom.

… Yeah, I’ll give my thoughts on Tommy Oliver another day. Damn, I’m behind on the times.

So, as you can tell, the story is already not on good footing for me. It’s starring a character I don’t find that interesting and it’s setting itself during an episode that I already didn’t enjoy. But that’s no reason that I couldn’t enjoy this story. After all, there is a chance that this story will make me interested in the character and could bring up some good points about the episode that I didn’t think of.

So, let’s dig into Just a Glance by Jay the Brony and see if the fans can improve an episode.

… Or at least, this fan for this episode.

For as long as he could remember, he'd always loved travelling on trains. True, as a pegasus, Flash was not required to journey in such a way. For him, making a trip such as this would have been easy by air, perhaps even faster.

Well, I guess that makes sense. After all, it’s only a half an hour walk to Canterlot. I’m sure it take less than that to arrive at the Crystal Empire. Okay, geography nuts… Figure that one out.

So, Flash Sentry is thinking about the last time he encountered Twilight Sparkle. Even though, HE only knew her for about half a second, and his HUMAN counterpart knew her for barely much longer. Why would this guy think about a girl he’s never even shared three lines of dialogue with?!

It make more sense to have Twilight think about him, since she actually interacted with the counterpart of Flash Sentry and thus would have a stronger connection. I guess he’s like all OC characters. They have an obsession with alicorns.

Flash Sentry thinks about why Cadance asked him to come along as her escort.

A smile crept onto his face as he considered that, just maybe, the Princess of love had arranged him to be here for another reason.

Yeah, it was so he could walk out, not do anything, not say anything, and ultimately, not amount to anything.

Whoops… I just spoiled the punchline.

Apparently, the story says that they’ve been seeing each other for SEVERAL MONTHS!

Um… I’m sorry … when did this happen? Is this a sequel to something? I’m looking at the description and I don’t see anything. Am I supposed to just be on board with this couple? Is that it? I am just supposed to know that they are a couple now and not question it?

I’m sorry, I can’t ignore this. How is their relationship built?! They had pretty much no chemistry in the movie and yet somehow they have it here, I guess?! I know I should probably just suspend my disbelief and just accept that they are a couple, but they had little to no build up to their relationship. Would you mind giving me something to make me believe they are a couple?

Cadance approaches him and asks him how he’s doing. He reassures her that he’s fine, but Cadance isn’t buying it.

Flash finally admits that he’s a bit disappointed about not being able to see Twilight, but he says that this day is about Cadance and Twilight.

Well, that was a waste. Cadance and Twilight barely spend any time together. Though, I guess I can’t blame Flash or the story for that.

Cadence looked a little taken aback by that. She knew as well as anypony how much Flash loved Twilight, and here he was, rejecting an opportunity to be with her just so she could be with her sister-in-law. After a few moments, the Princess broke out into a smile.

"It's times like this when I see why she loves you so much."

Well, I’m glad someone does. Cause I sure as fuck don’t.

So, they get to the stop and the Three’s A Crowd episode begins. I’ll give this points against Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners. This story actually tried to go with a different aspect than that other story did. Where as CMCLR tried to tell the Iron Will scene without changing a fucking thing!

As Cadance glances back, Flash knows that it’s time for him to leave and wait on the train for his next pointless attempt for the writers to say “No, Flash Sentry isn’t a tool and he’s totally a cool character and everyone should love him! Please, love him, so I don’t get fired from Hasbro!”

And in that sense, I kind of pity Flash. He was created by the Hasbro demand to make My Little Pony as much as High School Musical as possible for a love interest that is as engaging as a bowl of cold oatmeal.

But that doesn’t stop him from being utter shite in this and most other fan fics.

The train leaves with a giant blue Demi-god flying by threatening to take the focus away from the episode and yet being the only part that was relatively decent.

And that was Just a Glance, it’s about as good as the episode.

I’ll give the story credit for trying to focus on a character that really isn’t that interesting. And while the brief moments with him aren’t particularly bad, they’re just not good enough to be memorable.

Ultimately, that’s kind of what this feels like. It feels like a story that was kind of rushed to throw together. While there is nothing that offends, there isn’t anything that stands out either. The relationship is pretty much just left to whatever the audience decides, but since I didn’t think they had a strong relationship anyway, I didn’t feel like this was a good representation to get me to sympathize with Flash.

If more attention had been brought to Flash and Twilight having a fucking conversation or something, maybe that would have won me over. And this could be bias, as viewers probably need to be in the FlashXTwilight mood.

And I’m not even sure that would do it since they don’t even have a line of dialogue with each other. I get more chemistry with Cadance and him than I do him and Twilight.

So, unless you’re a guy who likes the idea of Cadance cheating on Shining. but she doesn’t actually do anything about it and the whole story is just her thinking about doing it, but nothing ever comes of it, this probably isn’t the fic for you.

***

Critique placed the book back on the shelf he drew it from. Glancing up to the ceiling, he noted that Computer’s screen was blank. No doubt she was at that conference in Canterlot. A conference that he noticed that Celestia had not invited him to.

As he made his way to the kitchen, he recalled the conversation he and Computer had just before she left. She stated that Celestia didn’t invite him because she didn’t like him.

I’ve got something she won’t like! Critique thought to himself as he opened the fridge. His hoof wrapped around a cold bottle of beer. After pulling the bottle cap off, Critique made his way back to the living room, taking a sip of the cool liquid.

Suddenly, the front door burst into the room. Splinters scattered in all directions. The thunderous sound caused Critique to drop to the floor, his hooves over his head like a shield.

As the noise dissipated, he looked up to see a pony with a gray mane standing at the doorway, his eyes glaring at him.

The stallion took several steps into the room, heading straight for him.

“Who the fuck are you?!” Critique shouted.

The stallion said nothing.

Critique got back up to his hooves. “Okay then. Let’s see how you like this, asshole!” With all his might, he threw his front hoof at the stallion. Before Critique could react, the blow was deflected away by the stallion’s hoof. Like a lightning bolt, the stallion gave a swift jab to Critique’s ribs.

And then another.

Finally, he swatted Critique in the face, sending the green earth pony to the ground.

Critique rubbed his cheek, as if it would make the pain go away. However, it only seemed to make it worse. The stinging burned through his cheek and chest. He looked up to see the stallion’s hoof come for his face once more. The force sent Critique’s head soaring to the ground with such ferocity, it smashed his glasses into his face, cutting the bridge of his muzzle.

Ripping off his glasses, Critique stood up quickly to avoid another blow from this stranger. As he turned to face his opponent, his eyesight was greeted to a blurry gray blob in the midst of a misshapen form that used to be his library.

At first, he couldn’t tell if it was his lack of glasses or the blow to the head he took. However, he quickly began to realize as his body wobbled back and forth, lightheadedness setting in, it was both.

The gray blob began to move again. Critique surmised that it was another blow coming for him. A gray mass came for his face. However, Critique’s reflexes were able to block the oncoming blow. A counterattack came in the form of his green hoof, flailing wildly at his opponent, hoping for his face.

His hoof made contact with something. He wasn’t sure what. But as long as it hit something besides himself, he didn’t care.

His other hoof swung like a wrecking ball against a building, connecting with the other stallion. He kept swinging, his body feeling as if it was on autopilot. Suddenly, that autopilot was switched off as his body felt another swift, yet stunning blow to his ribs. Then his face.

As Critique’s face jerked back from the blow, a force wrapped around his head and pulled it down towards a solid piece of mass. Presumably his opponent’s knee.

Critique’s face felt numb as he slink to the floor, unable to hold himself up. The stallion’s hooves turned him to face him, belly up. A swift jab came to Critique’s face. Followed by another. And another. Critique flailed his hooves, hoping to hit his target. But his attempts seemed to do nothing

Blow after blow struck Critique.

Eventually, his body lost interest in retaliating. Instead, his body gave up. Allowing the blows to hit him, mercilessly. Suddenly, he could feel them no more.

***

The car sped down the road, carrying its three passengers. The large Bronze Bolt at the wheel, his wife, Sunshine, next to him, and little Melody in the backseat.

Bronze took a look at the rear view mirror, taking a glance at his daughter, playing with her toys. Probably off in some fantasy world. Bronze put his eyes back on the road as they approached the front door of the library of Ponyville.

At first glance, to anypony, it would seem like any normal library. But once they got inside, they were usually greeted with Copper says passes for ‘customer service’. A standard that has made Bronze roll his eyes more often than once.

It had been a couple weeks since they last saw Copper. He was still the same as always. A loudmouth with almost no spine to back it up. But he was always good to Melody. And Melody liked him.

That he couldn’t deny.

As the car approached the front door, he noticed the door hanging off its hinges. His brotherly instinct told him Copper was on a rampage again.

“Maybe we should come back when your brother isn’t in one of his moods,” Sunshine jested.

However, his training told him it was something else. The door was hanging inside the house. Not the outside.

Somepony had forced their way in.

He set the car in park and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Honey, call the police. Then take the wheel and go home. Wait for me there.”

The smile from Sunshine’s face vanished as she looked upon him. “Bronze, what’s wrong?”

Bronze took her hoof and kissed it gently. “I’ll be fine, I promise.” He looked back to Melody, who stopped playing her game to look at her father. An expression of fear staining her face. He gently stroked her mane and smiled. “I’ll be back soon.”

With those words, Bronze got out of the car and dashed for the interior of the library.

***

Blow after blow struck Copper.

Eventually, his body lost the will to retaliate. Instead, his body gave up. Allowing the blows to hit him, mercilessly.

Suddenly, he could feel them no more.

A large stallion rushed into the library. His massive body slamming into the stallion on top of him with the cry of a banshee. Copper opened his eyes to see the massive stallion blue stallion with only a slightly darker blue mane was Bronze Bolt.

Bronze tossed the stallion across the room, causing him to slide across the wooden floor. Bronze stood up and turned to Copper. “You okay?”

Copper spit out a small pool of blood and what felt like a tooth. “Peachy.”

Bronze turned back to the stallion, who finally stood up, glaring at him.

The stallion rushed to Bronze, swinging his hoof. The blow connected with Bronze, causing him to stagger. However, he kept upright as deflected another oncoming blow. A swift swing of his right hoof slammed into the stallion’s rib cage.

Another hoof slammed into his rib cage. Hoping that would disorient his opponent long enough to get another strike in, Bronze raised his hooves and prepared a blow to his head, coming from both sides.

The stallion raised his hooves, as Bronze swung, blocking both of them. With reflexes that defied Copper’s mind, the stallion shoved Bronze as hard as he could. Bronze tumbled and backed into a wooden table.

Before Bronze could move, the stallion made his way on top of him, swinging his hof at Bronze’s face. Several times later, Bronze finally reacted, catching onto the stallion’s rhythm and caught the stallion’s hoof.

His second hoof grabbed the stallion underneath his foreleg. With his muscles tensing, he lifted the stallion over his head and onto the wooden table. With a thunderous crack, the table’s legs gave out, causing it collapse.

The stallion quickly got up, much to Copper’s surprise and annoyance. How he was able to keep moving, he didn’t know. Whoever this stallion was, he was well trained and capable.

What surprised Copper even more, was his brother. Bronze was handling himself well. But how? He wondered.

Copper wished he could help, but his body ached so much, it was a chore to even keep his eyes open. He could only lay on the ground and watch Bronze.

Bronze swung his hoof at the stallion, but the stallion was quick to block Bronze’s move. And with Bronze’s size, it made him sluggish. And with that, the stallion was able to counter attack. The stallion gave two quick jabs to Bronze’s face, one after the other. The second causing Bronze to turn his body around.

With Bronze’s back against his opponent, the stallion wrapped his forearms around Bronze’s neck in a choke hold.

The two stallions struggled back and forth. Bronze leaning forward, hoping to get some leverage against the stallion. However, nothing he tried seemed to break the stallion’s grip.

Suddenly, Bronze placed his hoof on the stallion’s elbow and using his hind legs he stepped back behind his opponent’s leg, allowing his head to slip through the choke hold and gaining his control of his opponent’s foreleg.

Before his opponent could react, Bronze delivered a swift kick to the stallion’s hind leg, followed by a swift jab to his jaw.

There was a moment of silence in the air as the stallion fell to the ground. The only sounds in the room was the heavy breathing of both stallions. Bronze moved on top of his opponent, placing his hoof on top of his spine and pressing down. “By the authority vested in me by the Canterlot Royal Guard, you are under arrest.”

Copper blinked several times, not certain he had heard right. He was more certain that his hearing was giving out. “Wait, Canterlot Royal Guard?”

Bronze reached behind him to his vest and pulled out a pair of hoofcuffs. Slapping them to the stallion’s left foreleg, he pulled it towards his right foreleg and locked them in place. “Yeah.”

Copper’s mouth hung open as he made his way to his feet. The two blurry figures seemed to blend into one another without his glasses. “When the fuck did that happen?”

Bronze turned towards him. “Last Hearth’s Warming. I told you. I told everypony!” A hint of irritation flooded from his voice.

Copper put his hoof on his chin, trying to think of that conversation. No matter how he searched, his mind refused to give that information. “I don’t remember that.”

“Well, maybe if you paid more attention to your family, maybe you would have remembered.”

Copper scoffed and shook his head. “I pay plenty of attention to family discussions.”

“Oh really?” Bronze started. “What’s my daughter’s name?”

Silence reigned supreme in the room for several moments. Only the birds chirping outside could be heard in the room as the wheels in Copper’s head began to turn. “Angela!”

“No.”

The wheels began to turn even more, cogs that hadn’t moved in a while finally began to see some life in them. “Brittney.”

“No.”

The wheels accelerated, putting strain on cogs that hadn’t been used. As if to say, Let me have a minute to warm up. “Christina?”

“No.”

Heat began to rise in the machine, as the cogs began to work themselves even harder. The cogs themselves became hot as they violently rubbed against one another. “David?”

“That’s a boy’s name!” Bronze replied with an annoyed growl.

“Well, don’t put me on the spot then!” Copper snapped as the cogs in his brain spun at a hundred miles per hours. They began to vibrate, as if the nuts that kept them in place were loosening with every second.

“Try Melody.”

Suddenly, the cogs completely shut down. “Melody! That’s right, Melody! How could I forget Melody?”

Bronze rolled his eyes as a group of flashing red and blue lights arrived outside of Copper’s window.

A Day as Dashie


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

I’ll admit I was going to do a review of Spike Goes to Sugar Cube Corner, which is based on a very infamous fanfic, Dipper goes to Taco Bell. But after reading about half a paragraph of the it, I decided I can do the review in under one hundred words.

It’s a 7 year old boy’s attempt at being funny after discovering all the wonders of his dick and the magic it can bring to the world right after I chop it off with machete. With the maturity of a 2 year old lacking even the basic concepts of human relations and deciding that the best way to make friends is to sicken everyone with kindergarten level humor.

Not unlike myself.

However, when I do it, I know I’m making bad decisions and roll with it and often I don’t post it in what is supposed to be a complete story. So, this week, I had to ponder what I was going to review and pick something that ultimately didn’t make me want to shove Celestia’s horn down my eye socket.

And, I’ll have you know that later today, Celestia is supposed to visit, so I can jam my face into her horn.

Well, that pretty much gives away my opinion on today’s story, A Day as Dashie.

Honestly, the premise of this story, alone, made me pick it up. It was one of the most awkward premises I’d ever heard of and that alone told me that this would be fucking gold for a review.

The premise is that a brony. A male brony. Ends up in the body of Rainbow Dash via magical bullshit.

God, and I thought I came up with some messed up shit for stories. That is if I actually ever wrote anything. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to shove this story up it’s own ass! Because that’s clearly all that it’s worth!

I’ve read some stupid ideas in my short span as a reviewer of shit, but this is probably one of the dumber things I’ve read about.

But, you won’t believe me until I actually start this thing. So, let’s review this story by Cool Writer - I doubt it- and see where this mess leds us.

"Funny, and I was about to say: this day couldn't get any worse."

Took the words right out of my mouth actually.

Our story begins with Mikel (Mee kel? Michael? Mear kat?... Meerkat…) being pulled over by a cop. Apparently, Meerkat has had a pretty rotten day.

His day started when he accidentally spilled coffee on his shirt rushing out the door due to over sleep, and continued when he forgot his laptop at home.

Because the office he works at apparently does not have computers for him to work on. … That or they monitor his work computers after they caught him writing this awful piece of literature.

He had to rush back home, only to find the laptop completely dead. When he finally got in to the office, he was late. To top things off, the report he had been working on for the bast month had gotten deleted, via thumb drive "malfunction" (he dropped it in the street).

Ah, so mary sue traits are already showing up. Apparently, Meerkat is related to the Egyptian Goddess, Bast.

When he was finally able to recover it, it was already 5 hours late. Now he was going to be late home and miss one of his only joys in life.

Yes, my life is so bad that the only thing that brings me joy is the day of my birth. I have nothing else good in my life. Even though, I haven’t been fired from my job, have a nice home where I can spill coffee, a laptop that functions, and my MLP porn. Clearly, nothing else makes me happy!

Seriously, it’s only the first paragraph and I want to dip my head in a tub of paint and let the fumes suffocate me!

The cop pulls him over and tells him that his back lights are out and that he broke the speed limit. Rather than be a dick to the cop, Meerkat gives him his licence and the cop writes him a ticket, asking him to drive safer.

I’ll give this story credit for not making the cop or the main character a complete dick to each other. While it’s not very detailed, it still is nice to see people actually treating each other fairly despite a rotten situation.

"Why today?" Mikel asked the sky. "It's my birthday."

IT’S THE ONLY DAY IN THE UNIVERSE THAT MAKES ME HAPPY! EVERY OTHER DAY PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE I’M NORMAL OR SOMETHING! I’M NOT NORMAL!


Mikel finally got home, and sure enough: he missed the first episode of season 5, mlp. He walked inside the house. He walked to the TV and turned on the DVR.

He walked to the bathroom. He walked to where he kept his toilet paper. He walked to the toilet. He walked out of the bathroom without flushing.

… Seriously, using the same two words to start every sentence gets fucking tedious.

Oh and don’t worry about missing season 5. Way I hear it, most bronies left the fandom by this point.

It turns out that Meerkat in an engineer working for NASA… Because sure… and he’s developing a rocket for them.

… Okay…

And he’s depressed because he missed … um… uh… Let’s see… what was that line before?

When he was finally able to recover it, it was already 5 hours late. Now he was going to be late home and miss one of his only joys in life.

So, the only joy in his life is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Okay, legit but… Wait… don’t new episodes only come on Saturdays?! Saturday mornings usually?! I mean, I only watch them on Netflix, but isn’t that when they usually are on?! When girls (and boys) get out of bed from a long week of school in their pajamas and watch cartoons all morning instead of doing their morning chores.

What the hell are you doing at the office on a Saturday morning? And, yes, I know that some offices have you work on Saturdays, but that isn’t made clear! Am I just supposed to assume that?!

Okay, fair enough, but… this mentions that this happened in the afternoon after his work shift! It says that he was there, at least, 5 hours! Do they show reruns in the afternoon on Saturdays?! I mean, it’s possible, but unlikely since that’s usually on weekdays when kids get out of school!

Call me making a mountain out of an anthill, but shut up! This is my review and I do things my way!

So, Meerkat continues to complain about how much his life sucks when he gets a t-shirt from his parents…

The angering thing wasn't that it was a tee, he asked for one, but when he asked for a tee, he asked for a tee with Rainbow Dash on it. But no, he got a plain tee. It was 5 sizes to small.

So, it was 5 sizes too small? … How big are you?! Did you tell your parents you’d lost some weight and that they assumed you had lost 300 pounds or something?!

I mean, I don’t want it to seem like I’m making fun of fat people! Fat people are people too, but… just read that and tell me that makes any semblance of sense!

Or are the parents just retarded and can’t figure out how old their son is?! Well, he does watch a show for 7 year old girls, it’s not a difficult mistake to make!


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Oh, lighten up! Can’t you guys take a joke?!


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NO, YOU SUCK!


So, he goes to sleep and has a dream where he fuses with Rainbow Dash… Feel free to make your own sex joke there… Who am I kidding, most of you already have.

Meerkat wakes up and discovers that he has indeed transformed into Rainbow Dash.

Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense. But don’t worry, the story is going to fill us in as to why. Trust me, you’ll be so disappointed and confused.

So, Meerkat starts freaking out about being a girl, something that I have only dreamed about, and decides the best thing to do would be to find Twilight Sparkle in the hopes that she’ll be able to figure out what’s going on.

So he begins to tour the town… while flying… I would rant about that, but… honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care. Apparently, flying is just so fucking easy that anyone can learn it. And if you don’t know how to fly in the first 5 seconds of life, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Between The First Artificial Alicorn, The Lost Prince, The High Road, and now this… I’ve learned that flying is easy and anyone who can’t do should be shot in the head.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bash my head against a brick wall until that makes sense.

So, he runs into a group of background ponies, saying their names out loud as if that’s supposed to mean something, but it’s pretty much pointless since he interacts with none of them.

Meerkat then runs into Pinkie Pie and wouldn’t you believe the coincidence… Not only does Pinkie Pie think that Meerkat is Rainbow Dash, but it’s also Rainbow Dash’s birthday.

Mikel thought this was funny, it was his birthday to.

Technically, since you fell asleep that night, wouldn’t your birthday have been yesterday?! Jesus, is time and space getting fucked in this fic?! It sure feels like it!

'This is going to be great!' Mikel thought. All Bronies will admit how awesome it would be to have a party, thrown for you by Pinkie Pie. And now it was happening.

Pfft, a Pinkie Pie Party? Old school. Now a days, bronies prefer Cheese Sandwich. He’s the best party pony!


Oh, grow up!


We then cut to Twilight who is mixing up a potion together. Little known fact, this is actually the prequel to ‘Why Did I Do This?’ Let’s just hope the first pony she murders is Meerkat.

"OK! That about dose it! All I need now is some cloud for a potion." She then happened to see her friend (And arguably best pony) Flutter Shy.

While I would not argue with you as far as the best pony goes (second if you include me, of course), but good god, if you are such a fan of the character, could you at least spell her name right?!

Yeah, something you have probably already noticed about the writing is how piss poor it is. While it’s not as bad as maybe Prince Martin Willis, I seen 3rd grade English reports with better spelling and proper word usage than this!


I’m skipping half of the terrible writing that is in this story, otherwise, this review would be twice as long as it is now.

Speaking of something being terrible, I’ve only just noticed how terrible the dialogue is for this story. Just take a look at this exchange between Twilight and Fluttershy.

Hey Flutter Shy!" Twilight called out to her friend. Flutter Shy was carrying a basket with some stuff in it. Flutter Shy noticed her.

"Oh! Hi Twilight!" Flutter Shy called back. "What is it?"

"I was wondering if you could get a tuft of cloud for me?" Twilight asked. "But it's perfectly fine if you don't want to." Twilight didn't want to force her friend to do something she didn't want to do.

"It's OK, I'm perfectly happy to help out a true true friend." Flutter Shy said in her nice, caring tone.

“Happy to help out a true, true friend?” What is Fluttershy going to break out into song? … Shut up, I actually like that song.

"Here you go!" Flutter Shy flinched. "I hope that's enough!" Flutter Shy squeaked.

"No no! That's plenty! Thank you!" Twilight said. "So... uh... what are you doing?" Twilight asked, 25% to change the subject, 75% because she was generally curious.

Okay… I didn’t know there was a subject that was being talked about to be changed… You know, this story really feels like something is missing from it... Like talent.

They arrive back at the library and find Spike freaking out about finally being in a fanfic… Oh, I’m sorry, about Rainbow Dash reading a book.

"Her!" Twilight looked where Spike was pointing to see Rainbow Dash reading a book, and a big book at that.

Reading is evil! You should never read a book, ever!

Actually, it turns out that the section that Rainbow Dash is reading from is, as the story puts it, science and research books. So 000 to 900 according to the dewey decimal system.

Must be a pretty fucking big left wing.

… Wait a second, Twilight’s Library?

… Didn’t…

Holy fuck, the space and time are being fucked!

When does this story take place?! I don’t fucking know! Apparently before Twilight’s Library was destroyed, but earlier the story said it took place after season 5 started! Does time pass differently in Equestria than it does on Earth?!

What the flying Dutchman of a fuck is going on here?!

So, Twilight talks to Meerkat and Meerkat explains the entire plot. Because of course he can.

So, it turns out there was a rip in the space/time continuum, it sure would explain the fucked up time situations in this story and that he passed through one into another dimension. Ah, so it’s Sliders without the quality.

Got ya.

And Meerkat brings up the formula that can fix the time travel spell. Funny, that spell seemed to work in Season 2, Episode whatever, Titled ‘Can’t Remember the Name of the Episodes and Too Lazy to Look It Up Just to Piss Off Bronies Who Actually Know the Title.’

I guess the spell broke in between Season 2 and Season 4. I’ll just blame it on Season 3, I have a lot of gripes with that season anyway.

Twilight wonders where Rainbow Dash learned all this stuff and Meerkat says that he just needs to borrow Twilight’s book before running off with it.

Twilight is curious about what’s going on and plans to get to the bottom of it.

"Can I barrow this? Thanks! Buy!" Rainbow dash said quickly as she rushed out the door.

You know, for someone who is really trying to be sciency and smart and shit, you should have been smart enough to invest in a proofreader.

These kinds of mistakes and trying to be all smart in this story with an engineer/physicist kind of contradicts itself. And it’s not like these are complex mistakes that only those of us in the writing community could gain from years and years of work. No, these are very, very basic writing missteps! Do you not have spell check on your computer?!


There are websites you can get spell check you know! Gdocs, Spell check on google, something! I don’t care, but just use your fucking spell check!


We then cut to Twilight talking about Rainbow Dash to the rest of the Main Six.

"... and then she said: I wasn't trying to fix the time travel spell!" Twilight said to Rarity. "She solved a complicated spell that unicorns haven't solved in years! How do she do that?"

… Hey, that’s a great point!

How the fuck did this guy solve a complex MAGICAL spell that unicorns haven’t solved?! I thought this guy was a physicist! Is he also a magician?! Next thing you’ll be telling me is he can solve world hunger!


Damion is telling you to cool it with the made up powers! The entire cast of the Poncho Chronicles is calling you out on this bullshit! Soren is more believable! SOREN! FUCKING SOREN!


So, Twilight tries to figure out what to do about Rainbow Dash…

"She was reading a book that is slightly challenging for me! From a scientific stand point, it's way above her reading level!!!!" Twilight said.

EXCESS EXCLAMATION POINTS MAKE MY POINT MORE EXTREME!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!


He was looking over his notes for a devise to make him change back.

The DEVICE he was DEVISING was DIVERSE from the DIME a DOZEN DESIGNS that DON’T DO shit!

Seriously, get a DICTIONARY or something. You’re DRIVING me nuts!


So, Meerkat tries to create a machine that can transform him back into his normal self. However, there is one simple problem. Rainbow Dash isn’t a unicorn and can’t use magic.

Whoa, way to show some self restraint, story!


Twilight enters his house and Meerkat lies his way through every question she asks in order to stay as Rainbow Dash longer. And it’s here that I start to question just how crazy this guy is. For example, we know what happened to him, but what happened to Rainbow Dash?

Is she dead? Well good, our hero is a murderous psychopath who takes over the bodies of others after he murders them. I see Chrysalis signing up for villain lessons.

Is she in Meerkat’s body? Well, isn’t that kind of cruel? I mean, Meerkat at least had the knowledge of MLP before traveling to their world through the show, but what about Rainbow Dash’s knowledge of the human world?

I don’t think they have Save by the Bell or Game of Thrones in Equestria! So, how the fuck would Rainbow Dash know what to do or how to solve her problems?!

Also, Meerkat is a little too okay with being Rainbow Dash forever. Making me think that he’s more of a perv/sicko than I thought.

So, Meerkat tries to create a machine that can transform him back into his normal self. However, there is one simple problem. Rainbow Dash isn’t a unicorn and can’t use magic.

Wait… didn’t I do this?

Hold on…

*Checks the story.*

OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

The next scene is the exact same god-damn thing we just saw! Only it’s from the point of Twilight! Now, some of you are saying, “Okay, so we get to see Twilight’s point of view.” No, we get to see the same god-damn thing with one… ONE extra sentence! I can sure see why we needed to repeat that scene over again. A scene we JUST SAW for that one extra sentence!

I’m not going to ask when the story stopped trying… I think the question is ‘When did the story start trying?’

I mean it. There is literally no effort put into this. It feels like something that was just thrown together so quickly with so little thought into it, I wouldn’t be surprised if a sex scene was thrown in it just to get a couple extra views.

And I tell you guys, this story gets even less effort put into it as it goes on. Believe it or not, it actually gets even less effort thrown into it.

He flies through the Everfree Forest, but gets his wing injured.

As such he can’t fly back to Ponyville… which… begs the question… Why was he flying over the Everfree Forest? Did you decide that the story was incredibly boring so you needed something exciting?!

So, he wanders around the forest and runs into Twilight and… then he ends up in this … bizarro world and… I don’t fucking know. I’ve read this 4 times and I have no idea what the story is doing.

My guess is… Meerkat is drugged or something and Discord is behind it. Whatever. I don’t care. I stopped caring about 2 chapters ago.

So, he wakes up from his drug induced… whatever… and he reveals his secret to Twilight. Twilight… for some reason decides to blame Discord and we get what I think is supposed to be a funny line. But I want to challenge you guys. See if you can laugh at this line. Really try. Really summon every single ounce of energy you can to laugh at this line. It really is a difficult, difficult, difficult thing to do. In fact, it is so difficult, I bet if I even corrected every piece of grammar and spelling error in this passage, you would still find it difficult to laugh. Are you ready? Here it is.

"Let me stop you right there," Mikel said. "I know you’re gonna blame Discord automatically, give the guy a freaking chance! Gosh, I bet if the sewer got backed up you'd blame him."

"True." Twilight slowly nodded.

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For any of you who laughed at that passage GO CHECK YOURSELF INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION BECAUSE YOU’RE CLEARLY CRAZY!

So, Twilight casts her spell to change Meerkat back and the world turns back as John Delancy laughs in the background. No… Not Discord, John Delancy. Well, I’ve heard of worse type casting.

Meerkat goes batshit crazy … which is really inconsistent since he was bitching about being human and thought being Rainbow Dash was awesome, but I guess the story realized that the character wasn’t getting us invested so it quickly had to string together some kind of forced plot.

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA REACH MY HAND, DOWN YOUR THOUGHT, AND RIP YOUR STOMACH OUT! I'LL THEN REMOVE YOUR SMALL INTESTINE AND WRAP IT AROUND YOU NECK, AND HANG YOU WITH IT!!!!"

Hey, that’s the reaction that people had when they read this piece of shit.

So, Meerkat confronts Discord about ‘the pain of being Rainbow Dash and being beloved by every single brony on Earth and having the best of friends.’

God, this character’s only personality trait is whining! But I’ll give the story credit, at least this character has a personality trait! It’s just a shame that it’s the one that’s the most fucking annoying!


So, Meerkat asks Discord to turn him back to a human and Discord claims that it’s exactly what Meerkat wanted. Meerkat, however, assures him it wasn’t. Not sure how that exactly works since he’s done nothing, said nothing, or anything nothing to prove that is how he feels about it.

With that Discord promises to restore him to the way he was, after he asks them to watch something on his Iphone. Because he’s the god of chaos and shit. So I’ll let this one slide.

Mostly because I’ve ragged on about everything else. I’ll give the story a break from the beatings for one minute while I go buy a set of unbroken paddles.

So, it cuts to Rainbow Dash, the actual Rainbow Dash, in the body of Meerkat. And she does about as well as you’d expect, which is atrociously badly. Think Equestria Girl’s Twilight if it was somehow less funny.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, there isn’t really much to comment on in this particular part of the story. It’s just of Rainbow Dash dicking around with nothing to do. And I can say that with context because Rainbow Dash now has a dick, instead of just generally being one.

Oooh, I think I just pissed off most of the brony community with that one. Next week, I’m going to make fun of Fluttershy! The stupid bitch!


And it’s at this point in the story that it actually become self aware and thinks that it’s being witty. Because it is a fanfiction.

"Well, I'm not sure. Do you think the plot demands it?" Discord asked angrily.

"What?" All the pony body's said.

"All you humans, think I can only do what the plot demands." Discord crossed his... "arms" ... After a while, he finally continued.

The story obviously wants to be clever and witty, but also forgot that it takes more than referencing pop culture at random and being sarcastic. That’s the secret to being a washed up reviewer who bitches about fanfiction that nobody in their right mind would read and yet somehow they end up in his read later box.

So, Discord switches them back and gets them back into the right world. I’m honestly not sure what the point was about this at all. Since we hardly spend enough time with Meerkat or Dash to really get to see the struggles they would go through, learning about the other’s lifestyle.

Because it’s a fanfiction!

Shut up!

So, yeah, the story is shooting to be a comedy fic, but it didn’t make me laugh. Not once. And that’s not because I’m a humorless dipshit that wouldn’t understand a joke if it hit me in the face with a whipped creamed… grenade.

Not just because of that anyway.

Take xjuggernautx’s Easy as Pie. An incredibly funny fic because it wasn’t just referencing pop culture and being self referential. It had timing, a sense of fun, a relatable character that wasn’t just every brony or self insert on the face of the fucking Earth.

It actually took more time than a typical shit to actually make good and make enjoyable. This story literally feels like it was shit out of the author’s ass and serve on plate for all of us to enjoy. Except, I won’t enjoy it because you forgot the first lesson in creating art.

Effort!

This story has no effort thrown into it. It has no effort into the characters, the dialogue, the writing, the plot, the jokes. It has literally no effort and that’s why this story is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Now, go read it, while I hide behind my hate shields like a coward against the Rainbow Dash Fan Club.

Mommy

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Many of you may be familiar with my headcanon concerning Scootaloo.

Apparently, some of you are. Well, for those of you who aren’t quite as familiar allow me to explain what headcanon I’m talking about. The fact that Scootaloo isn’t an orphan.

Oh, shut up!

I can’t tell you how much I hate this trope for Scootaloo. I don’t know what it is, but it’s incredibly irritating to me. Maybe it’s because I just don’t see Scootaloo as parentless. After all, just because we don’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Unless, you’re Applejack’s parents which are confirmed dead.

But we’ve never met Fluttershy’s parents, or Derpy’s or Rainbow Dash’s, why is it everyone automatically assumes that if the parents don’t show one inch of their flanks or are even mentioned, we assume they’re sleeping next to Batman’s parents!


Do you guys treat other people the same way?! If you don’t meet their parents within 2 weeks of knowing them, you assume they grow up on the street?! Of course you fucking don’t!

Which is why I’m taking a look at this fic today, Mommy by  Fluttercord4ever.

This story is about Scootaloo going on a search for the mother she thought had died years ago. And that mother happens to be Fluttershy.

…

That’s technically not a spoiler because IT’S IN THE FUCKING COVER ART!


I’m not even kidding! Look, LOOK!


A cute image for… let’s say… the end of a story, but when you use that as the cover art for your story, you might as well show a big sign on your story saying “Yeah, don’t bother reading it. I pretty much gave away the surprise ending by the first page.”

What? Did the story had so little confidence in itself that it thought that it couldn’t get an audience for it? So it had to assure us that a happy ending was possible? Imagine if other fics did this.

Like Mare of Steel with Rainbow Dash standing over General Zod. It kind of kills the suspense and destroys our investment.

We open our story with…

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Jesus, you little brats!


The Crusaders decide to take up the cause of caring for animals to get their cutie marks. Scootaloo volunteers to rush over to Fluttershy’s house to ask her if they can borrow some. Um… what are Sweetie Belle and Applebloom doing that they can’t tag along?

Well, I guess they did just get out of school and maybe they didn’t have access to the wagon they usually do. … You win this round, story…

So, Scootaloo rides ahead to talk to Fluttershy and as she travels through the town, she sees a mother and daughter having a moment together.

If only I knew my mommy, it's to bad whoever she is... is dead," Scootaloo thought to herself.

Wait… how does she know she’s dead? Scootaloo never mentions a note, or anyone telling her that her mother is dead. So, how does she know that her mother died?! … I mean, we know she didn’t (again, great suspense there, story), but how did Scootaloo find out that she died if she never had anything on her mother to go on? Did Fluttershy tell her herself? … For that matter, how old was Fluttershy when she had Scootaloo?

You mean to tell me she wasn’t even finished with Flight School before she got knocked up!

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And apparently, this causes Scootaloo to break down and cry… Um… I know I’m suppose to feel bad at this point and I probably should. Losing a parent is no laughing matter. It’s a difficult thing to do. And don’t make this more than it is, but what the hell brought this on?!

I mean, I understand it being difficult to see a mother and daughter happy when you never had one. I can understand how you’d be upset by this, but crying in public like this… I don’t know… Maybe if it had been recently. Or is it supposed to be recently and the story just doesn’t bother telling us?

Anyway, in a town of ponies that are about friendship and magic, they see a little girl crying in the street… Meh, just ignore it. It will probably solve itself.

Filly: I’m lost and I can’t find my mommy!

Critique: Oh, grow up, you little twerp.

Filly: *Cries*

Critique: Yeah, yeah, cry. That’s all you’re good for.

But Fluttershy comes to comfort Scootaloo and Scootaloo instantly cheers up. … What is she? Bipolar?

Anyway, Scootaloo explains what the Crusaders are planning to do today and Fluttershy is hesitant, but allows the Crusaders a chance to take care of her friends. I can see why, considering the last time, they almost got turned to stone by a Cockatrice. I can easily see why Fluttershy would allow them to take care of her other friends. Let’s see how well that works.

:applecry::unsuresweetie::scootangel: It was an accident…

She’s so adorable when she’s bloodthirsty.

Anyway, the two make their way to the cottage and it copies the scene from Dragon Quest about Angel eating her carrot too fast. I guess the story didn’t have anything to throw at us, so it just decided to throw its knowledge of the show at us. Knowledge that even my 7 year old niece would know… This story is on par with a 7 year old. That should tell you something.

So, Scootaloo goes inside the house and takes a look around.

Looking around Scootaloo saw a seat on the couch in the den (quite literally a den in Fluttershy's case). She walked over to it, in doing so she accidentally clipped a mouse's tail with her hoof. With a loud "SQUEAK" from the mouse, it caused Scootaloo to loose her balance and trip into a bookcase.

So, I guess that her balance was tied up or something? How else would you explain it?

Critique: I am holding your balance hostage! If you ever want to see it again, pay me your dignity and your peripheral vision!

A book, by fucking coincidence, falls from the shelf and lands on Scootaloo. She decides to open up the book seeing the image of Fluttershy pregnant. … So, she was knocked up when she was a child? … When the flying fuck did that happened?

Okay, story, you’ve got your chance here.

Scootaloo has just found out that Fluttershy was pregnant with her and is her mother. Okay, story, you’ve got a lot to explain and I just know I’m going to be disappointed, but… I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. So… please, explain. Why was Fluttershy pregnant when she was a filly? Why she gave up Scootaloo? Why she never told Scootaloo? Why she was never given custody of Scootaloo? Why her parents never went after the bastard that got Fluttershy pregnant in the first place?! And more importantly, why is there a lack of caring on my part?

So, go ahead story… Show me what you’ve got.

Scootaloo goes through all the emotions of learning that some mare she knows is her mother… All half a sentence of them. And Fluttershy begins to explain why she couldn’t let Scootaloo know.

It turns out that Fluttershy left her in an orphanage to protect her from… her father!

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It turns out that Scootaloo’s father was a mean pony. Well, he’d have to be, he commited pedofilla. And he was also abusive to her. Again, I know that I’m supposed to feel bad for Fluttershy at this point, but what the fucking hell?! Fluttershy was a fucking little girl at the time of Scootaloo’s birth! That’s not my own bullshit timeline here, that’s the timeline of the show!


And some of you might be thinking, “Well, it might be an alternate reality!” There is nothing to indicate that! There is nothing in the description to indicate that! Not the taglines! Nothing! So, this timeline thing makes no sense!

And assume she was beaten, how did Fluttershy’s parents allow this kind of thing?! Or are we assuming that Fluttershy is an orphan too?! Except that can’t be the explanation because when Scootaloo was looking through the scrapbook, we saw Fluttershy’s mother! So, how could she allow him to beat on her daughter? Or was this some kind of double standard bullshit?! When I beat her, I’m the fucking bad guy to her! But when noname does it, he should be worshiped! It’s because of his flank, isn’t it?!


Fluttershy starts to explain who Scootaloo’s father actually was. It turns out that her father was kind of a dick who liked to beat Fluttershy. Horrifying enough, but just wait… the stupid has just begun. … If it didn’t already for you. In which case, Fluttershy explains to him that she wants Pinkie Pie to throw a baby shower for her… Again, filly Fluttershy wants filly Pinkie Pie to throw a baby shower for her. Does anyone see this as weird?

During the planning stages, Fluttershy explains to Rainbow Dash about how her boyfriend beats her and that Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash, the pony who constantly stands up for her, defends her during her time of weakness, keeps her from getting bullied and hurt, does all of these things and tells the dick to piss off and… you’re not buying it for a second, aren’t you?

Nope. Rainbow Dash does what any ‘friend’ who just found out that her friend was being beaten by her ‘husband’, absolutely nucking fothing!

Jesus Christ, you couldn’t even get Rainbow Dash’s protective personality right! And that’s one of the biggest, BIGGEST issues with this story! Nopony in this story has been written well. With Scootaloo being an adult in a child’s body or being extremely emotional for no apparent reason, Fluttershy abandoning Scootaloo for a dumbass reason, and Rainbow Dash showing little to no concern for her friend, the characters in this story are nothing, NOTHING like their show counterparts!

So, they get to the party and dickhead picks up Fluttershy. The pregnant filly Fluttershy and flies around the room with her. Good, I’m sure that will be good for the baby. No wonder Scootaloo will never be able to fly.

… Haven’t seen season 5 yet.

This upsets Fluttershy since she knows a beating is in her future. She runs to the bathroom and Rainbow Dash follows her. And it’s at this point that I question the atrocious writing for this thing… Go ahead, take a look at this.

"Oh my gosh Flutters, what happened to you did Pinkie Pie make you the cake?"

I think that was supposed to be a joke since Fluttershy has cake on her face, but honestly, I think this is just worded so awkwardly that it doesn’t immediately come across as that.

"Yes, but he did it just to back me smile. In which I did and I smashed cake on his face. Then he picks me up, which I was scared that he'll drop me, like he did before. When I begged him to stop, he frowns and puts me down. Oh Rainbow, he is going to hurt me when we get home and he might hurt my baby."

Oh, my god! Have some consistency with your tenses?! This is one of the most horribly written dialogue in this story! Between the spelling, tense shifts, and word choices, this one hurt me! Again, I know I supposed to feel bad for Fluttershy, but the writing isn’t helping. Instead, I feel bad for me! Because I’m the one who has to read this piece of shit!


And even knowing this, what does Rainbow Dash do? Absolutely goddamn-son-of-a-bitch-fucking nothing!

Good fuck, why would Rainbow Dash not tell someone who could help her? The reason why Fluttershy doesn’t want to involve the police is because she’s afraid that the stallion who beats her will be upset! Yes, this does happen, but Rainbow… why do you keep listening to her? She’s clearly not right in the head! She clearly doesn’t know what’s best for her! So, you need to do the right thing! Even if it hurts her! She’ll hate you for it for a while, but in the end, she’ll realize, you did it because you care about her!

But you don’t fucking care! You don’t give a shit what happens to her! You only care about yourself and your relationship to Fluttershy! Not her safety!

For that matter, why does Fluttershy have a husband?!

You know what… fuck this story… I don’t care… Let’s move on…

So a few minutes later… The police arrive… Um… Brought in by… Rainbow Dash...

Uh…

Well… this is certainly awkward… Um… Rainbow Dash… is best pony?

Yeah, I kind of deserved that…

So, after I wrote a three page apology letter to Rainbow Dash, the husband makes some very violent claims.

"THERE IS NO EXCUSES TO HELP YOU NOW MY BUTTERFLY! WHEN I GET OUT I AM GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE BABY OF YOURS! WHEN I AM FINISH KILLING IT, I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER!"

You know… being arrested as many times as I have, I’m a tad familiar with what cops usually say when they arrest you and… Don’t they usually say this?

Bronze Bolt: You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law!

"THERE IS NO EXCUSES TO HELP YOU NOW MY BUTTERFLY! WHEN I GET OUT I AM GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE BABY OF YOURS! WHEN I AM FINISH KILLING IT, I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER!"

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Bronze Bolt: Well, consider that used in a court of law.

Critique: Fuck…

And after the cops arrest the guy who just threatened to kill someone’s baby, pretty much solidifying that he’s not going anywhere, Fluttershy freaks out on all her friends. Funny, I don’t remember that ever happening in the show. Especially since Fluttershy filly NEVER MET FILLY TWILIGHT AND SPIKE!


There is no excuse now! This literally said that Fluttershy knew Twilight and Spike 7 years… 7 YEARS BEFORE THE EPISODE ‘CALL OF THE CUTIE’! I don’t think it took 7 years between the first episode and that episode! Fuck, IN THE FIRST EPISODE, WE SEE APPLEBLOOM!


DID YOU JUST FORGET?!


Look at that face. Look at that sad face. How could you forget a sad wittle face wike dat?

So, time passes by and filly Fluttershy finally gives birth to Scootaloo. Again, we’re not going to point that out, apparently. And Fluttershy says that the only way for Scootaloo to be safe is to put her in an orphanage.

Yep. The only way for Scootaloo to be safe is to send her to be alone for the rest of her life. Nope. I don’t buy it. Not one bit.

"I-I don't want Scootaloo get hurt or even murder. I have no chose but to give her to the orphanage."

No. Nope. Not a chance. Sorry, I don’t believe.

"But Fluttershy are you sure you want this. I mean she wont know that you are her mother."

No. You’re not getting this, story. You lose. This premise. The entire reason why Fluttershy gives Scootaloo away to an orphanage… makes no fucking sense.

There are literally hundreds of other ways you can get around this. Fluttershy could move to another location. Hell, she does that. She could change her name. She could change her identity. She could send the child to live with her parents. She could send Scootaloo to live with a foster family or be put into protective custody.

There are other ways around this! But no, clearly the only solution that our ‘heroic’ main six can come up with is to abandon a child because any other course of action would be taking responsibility! And, pfft, fuck, we know we can’t have that!

So, Fluttershy takes Scootaloo to an orphanage and we cut back to present day where… Fluttershy is waking up from a horrible nightmare?

Okay, not really, but believe me, you only feel half as betrayed as I fucking did.

Apparently, remembering the past caused Fluttershy to pass out and Scootaloo has just been sitting there trying to wake up Fluttershy. Well, I’m glad the one character who wanted to know about this information got screwed out of it. Instead, it was given to an audience WHO DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK!


Scootaloo heads on home after the Cutie Mark Crusaders have their little moment with their animal friends and Scootaloo meets a mysterious stallion on her way home.

"Yes, Scootaloo. I am your dad. It took me 7 years to find you. Your mother hidden you will."

Ugh… This is like the worst parts of ‘Arrow’ rolled into one story. Only with terrible spelling and grammar.

Dickhead finds Scootaloo and kidnaps her, probably to kill her. Thank god, she needed to get out of this fic and our story ends with Scootaloo screaming for Fluttershy to save her.

Oh… I really don’t like this one.

Between the premise that makes no fucking sense, the spelling and grammar that are just atrocious and the fact that this story was clearly hastily thrown together to get this happy little headcanon out as fast as possible make it a difficult read.

Look, if you want to make Fluttershy Scootaloo’s mother, fine. More power to you. But please tell me you’d try a little bit harder than this!

The reason for Fluttershy having Scootaloo makes no sense, Fluttershy’s reactions are never explored to being knocked up as a filly. Her parent’s thoughts are never explored. The history of the show is casted aside.

And assuming that this is some kind of alternate world, that doesn’t stop this story from being ungodly rushed. The story blazes through any kind of emotional connection between Fluttershy and Scootaloo. We never get to establish a relationship with them and how they could be mother and daughter.

Hell, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have a more powerful connection in this story AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE MAIN FOCUS OF THE STORY!

Instead, we spend the majority of the story with the dumbass flashback! Which even then felt painfully rushed. We ultimately learn nothing about Scootaloo’s father, except that he’s a fucking psychopath that can scream that he’s gonna blow up a building with a bomb strapped to his chest, and no pony would think about it twice.

The reason why Fluttershy abandons Scootaloo is so, so weak. I realize she’s emotional, but there are thousands of ways to go around it.

And the worst offense… the cliffhanger. This story… doesn’t need a cliffhanger. It does not need a sequel. It did not need to end with Scootaloo being kidnapped by a character who literally comes out of fucking nowhere and claims to have a role in this story.

I’m sorry, he has no reason to be in this story and he has no reason to make me suffer through another one of these.

And I can’t tell you how much I’m not looking forward to the ending of this story.

Have a good day guys. Now where the hell is Computer?

***

Celestia sat on her throne as a monitor appeared in front of her. With a smile, she glanced over to the pair of eyes that gazed upon her. “Thank you for coming, Miss Computer.”

The monitor, held aloft by a large mechanical arm, gave a nod. “It is no trouble, your highness.”

“I am glad you have been able to assist the research team here in Canterlot,” Celestia said. “But that’s not the reason I asked you to come.”

“It is not?”

Celestia glanced away. “The truth is, we are aware of who is attacking Mr. Coin.”

Computer blinked her eyes as the words sunk into her audio processors. “What?”

With a deep breath and a sigh, Celestia continued. “The stallion in charge of these attacks is named Celesto. The Grand Ruler of Unicornicopia.”

“Unicornicopia?” Computer repeated. “That is what Lightning told us he was a citizen of. Are you saying that Lightning was one of his?”

Celestia nodded and turned back to her. “I was only able to discover this when we arrested Daimon, the human with super strength. While we had kept a close watch for any more of his troops, I had no anticipated the attack on the prison.” Celestia closed her eyes. “Something I would not let happen again.”

Her horn began to glow, lifting a photo from a nearby folder on the armrest of her seat. She held it aloft in front of Computer. The photo carried the image of the new warden of the Canterlot Penitentiary. “Professor Brain?” Computer asked. “What about him?”

“He is a spy for the Grand Ruler,” Celestia admitted. “And he thinks he has us fooled.”

Computer processors began to unravel all the images and sounds she had absorbed when taking in the details of the breakout. Unlike her master, she had been keeping up with the media. A simple matter for her. “You let him become warden?”

“Yes and we give him space enough to let him think we aren’t on to him.” With a shine from her horn, the monitor screen split into two images. One containing the pair of eyes that belonged to Computer. The other, an office with an elderly stallion sitting in a chair.

“You are spying on him. Clever.”

Celestia smiled. “As flattered as I am, I did not bring you here to hear you praise me. I am asking you to aid in monitoring him as well as asking you not to tell Mr. Coin.”

“You know I would assist in keeping an eye on Professor Brain. But why can I not tell my master?”

With a shake of her head, Celestia responded. “You know how eccentric he is. How easily he can lose his temper, causing him to make irrational choices. If he knew that Professor Brain was connected to the threats on his life, Mr. Coin would no doubt act against him. Most likely tipping him off.”

Computer thought this through. She looked for any kind of defense she could use to justify telling him. None came. There was nothing that Celestia said that was wrong. Her master would go ballistic and demand to see Professor Brain. Most likely to attack him. She would no doubt try to explain to him to wait, but knowing her master as she did, he would listen to her as well as he would listen to Celestia.

Not at all.

Celestia’s logic was sound. “I understand.” Computer replied. While an unknown feeling made it’s way into Computer’s systems, causing her to believe that she could reason with her master, she knew in the end, logically, his track record of behaving irrationally would win out.

“Until we can find out what the Grand Ruler wants from Mr. Coin, he can’t know about Professor Brain.”

With that, Computer gave a nod and disappeared from the monitor of Canterlot and within a few seconds was home in Ponyville.

Ghost Pony Rider

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.

I think we all remember the Ghost Pony Rider.

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How could you forget?! It’s practically everywhere now! Ever since this character appeared in one of the Nostalgia Critic reviews, he/she has been seen in various fics that tried to ride the popularity.

I DID IT BEFORE IT WAS COOL!


So, as you can imagine for every good fic that writes about the Ghost Pony Rider, there are a few bad ones too. And we’re going to look at one today and pick it apart like…

Sir, do you not think this is a bad idea?

What are you talking about?

Will this not seem the least bit pretentious to draw attention to your story by beating up on another one?

How would that be any different from what I do on a daily basis?

I am simply saying that if you want to do this, that is fine. But when you get angry emails about how you are simply jealous that their story is successful and yours is not, do not come crying to me.

I’m not jealous or angry! I’m reviewing it because I want to review it!

So, you are not going to mention your own Ghost Rider story during the course of this review?

Awww, but I had a tons of in jokes and reference that nopony who hadn’t read the story wouldn’t get. They were going to be funny and would help with story trafficking.

Because that is not the least bit pretentious.

Shut up!

Just try to restrain yourself from making too many in jokes.

I make no promises.

Well, with that out of the way, let’s start the review of Ghost Pony Rider by MrVoorhees101

We start our story with Twilight trying to sleep, but having a hard time doing so. Oddly enough, it took longer for me to say that than it took the story. And seeing that the longest chapter in this story is only about 1400 words, I can promise you, this isn’t going to be a fun ride.

Now, I’m not saying there has to be a quota on the amount of words a story or chapter has to have, but this story consists of mostly 700 to 900 word long chapters. I don’t think depth is what we are going to get out of this.

Twilight goes downstairs to do some late night reading by…

She sighed, Twilight covered her eyes with a hoof and randomly placed it a book.

Picking randomly … a book. I guess this was translated by the same guys who sent us up the bomb.

The book she picks out is called Myths and Legends of Equestria.

Why do I hear Sam Elliot’s voice at this point? Was Sam Elliot in the original Ghost Rider?

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Yeah, you guys saw that coming. Back to the review.

So, it turns out that the Ghost Rider was a pony that was feared by many. For… some reason… Yes, I know the reason, but those who know nothing about Ghost Rider or anything he does wouldn’t. Why was he feared? The story doesn’t tell us, so why should we believe it? It could be just a misspelling of Ghost Writer for all I know.

Also, remember this point because I’ll be getting back to it eventually. Believe me, knowing what’s ahead this makes no sense.

Unbeknownst to Twilight an Alpha Timberwolf is looking in through her window… Funny, I would think that breaking and entering wasn’t really a Timberwolf thing, but I guess its good that a Timberwolf came to attack our main characters because how then would I possibly know how to care about them?!


Hey, guys! Need the audience to feel sorry for your little character? You do?! Well, try the simple solution of Timberwolf bait! Since Timberwolves are completely evil creatures, the audience will instantly take a loving to your special little character if they get attacked by them! It doesn’t have to be for any reason! Just have them get attacked by Timberwolves! That will get people invested!


Meanwhile, a figure comes into Ponyville hoping to be accepted. Applejack sees it and runs after it when she notices that the figure is on fire... Where… this scene happens…

She ran to her home and got a pale of water. She saw the figure coming and threw the water in the air. What should have been a loud splash, instead was a cloud of steam. Applejack watched as the figure continued running without even knowing. She said with a loud sign.

"Thats it, no more night strolls!"

What? Was she Wille E. Coyote at this point? Why did she need a sign?

And… was this supposed to be funny? … Cause it… really wasn’t… Just kind of weird…

So, the Timberwolf… somehow… yeah, get used to me saying that word, it appears a lot in this review… gets into Twilight’s home and attacks her.

But some little dragon tries to save her, but gets slashed in the back by the creature’s claws and is now bleeding to death. Well, glad to see you’re still as useless as ever.

When suddenly a chain of fire burst into the room and ties up the wolf, burning it to cinders. With Twilight safe, she goes over to Spike’s side and … cleans him up with a towel? What are you doing?! Take him to a fucking hospital! I don’t think that a slash that causes him to bleed is going to just be okay with a fucking band-aid!


After patching Spike up, Twilight goes out to find her savior. A pony with a flaming skull wearing black leather.

He maoned a rasperly sentence that sounded like he was a ghost with no energy.

Oh, good, the Ghost Rider isn’t even invested in what is going on. That means I don’t have to.

"Where am I?" he asked. His jaw bone the only thing moving.

Well, if he talks, I’m hoping that’s all that’s moving. As opposed to something else that people accuse me of talking out of.

Twilight asked in scared position.

"Who are you?"

Ghost Rider: I asked you a question first, it’s rude to ask someone else a question before you answer yours, you know?!


The being leaned toward the wounded mare. He was must taller than Twilight, a foot taller at least. He used his chain, with great strengh, he lifted her up like she was nothing but a pencil. The being said in a friendly tone and his skull smiled.

"They call me Ghost Pony Rider."

Ghost Rider: Now, pucker up!

:twilightoops: But you have no lips! How are you even smiling?!

Ghost Rider: Listen, if the director of that Nicolas Cage movie didn’t care about me, why the fuck should anyone else?

:facehoof: Fine.. let’s suck face.

So, Ghost Rider carries her back to the library where he heals Spike with his powers.

"How did you..." Twilight asked but was cut off.

"Lets just say I'm not just slice and dice." Ghost Rider replied with a giggle.

Pfft… Did Ghost Rider just giggle?


I’m sorry, but does anyone honestly see Ghost Rider, this bad ass demon hunter laughing like a little school girl?

It kind of makes him less badass! I think that’s one of the seven deadly sins of writing superheroes. Along with making Superman a psychotic who kills more people than he actually saves.

"Soooo...how did you get your, uh, look."

Ghost Rider then stared at Twilight with his blank, souless eye sockets. Somehow, Twilight felt dread when she looked into those eye sockets. Ghost Rider then wrapped his chain around his hand. The chain then went up Ghost Rider's back and into his neck. The chain then cracked through his head where the hole was.

"I'll tell you."

Ghost Rider: My head is flammin’ and my story is tragic, cause I never knew Friendship was Magic.

… Wow, my jokes have only consisted of sarcasm and pop culture memes. I really need to get new material.


"Many years ago, I was an ordinarry pony just like you. I always would make the right choices I never made mistakes. I was a perfect soul.

Ah, so he is a perfect pony who was turned into a demon by means of the devil and now he has incredible superpowers with seemingly no drawbacks. … Very Mary Sueish the more I think about it.

Oh, and I’m not even kidding about the song. This character's backstory is literally that he never knew Friendship was Magic.

Okay… that might be fine with a backstory of a character that was created to acknowledge/make fun of our fandom, but for a character in a story… You gotta give him something more.

He tries to commit suicide and then gets murdered by a couple of bullies… Wow, the streets are a lot more ghetto than I remember.

Oh… yeah… that happened…

So, after being stabbed multiple times and losing a lot of blood, what does our Pre-Ghost Rider do? Just wander Equestria for years. Do… do you not know what a hospital is?! Because, I don’t think that being stabbed multiple times, nearly bleeding out is something you just walk off! Fuck, I would even accept the trope of “The love of his life finds him and nurses him back to health!” At least then, it would make fucking sense of how he survived! This is before he gets his superpowers too! As he swears revenge against the ponies who attacked him, he makes a deal with the devil to trade his soul for power.

Which is probably the least heroic thing to do! In the original comic, Ghost Rider traded his soul to save someone he loved! It was stupid because why the fuck would you trust the devil! But at least it was selfless and noble. Even if it did bite him in the ass!

This has none of that! This is just petty revenge! Sure, they might go out and look for other ponies to cut up, but the whole motivation for being Ghost Rider just lost its heroic quality about it! So, why are we supposed to root for a guy who is nothing but petty?!


Insert your own joke about me here…

Also, the argument that he’s a hero isn’t helped by the psychotic breakdowns he has.

Ghost Rider snickered and laughed.

"I made sure they never walked again. I RIPPED THIER EYES OUT! I PULLED THIER HEARTS FROM THIER THROATS! I SHATTERED THIER BONES!"

Oh! My flaming dick is so hard right now! Oh…

Apparently, he had one of these psychotic breakdowns earlier in his career when people called him a monster and threatened to destroy him after he had murdered the guys who bullied him. So, what’s the most logical thing to do to these ponies who have literally done nothing?

… Um… story… Hello? Story? Are you there? Story? Hello? Story? Wake up, story! WAKE UP!


This is not heroic! This is fucking sick! I thought the point of being a superhero is that they save lives rather than take it! I didn’t make my Man of Steel joke lightly, this is actually how Ghost Rider in this story acts!


Fuck, the Ghost Rider that teamed up with the bad guys in My Little Avengers was closer to the original comics! How do you do that?! How do you possibly make it worse than that?!

And what about the fucking book that Twilight was reading?! Did the story just forget about that?! With a monster that can destroy an entire city without batting an eye, I think somepony somewhere would have written that part down!

Now it could have been the demon half of him and not the actual pony, but the story never establishes that! So, I’m left to believe that this pony is a psychotic who can snap at any moment! And this is supposed to be our hero! He acts nothing like one! The only thing he has done is save Twilight from a Timberwolf! That’s it!


And, what is Twilight’s reaction to all this?!

Is anyone even surprised at this point?

Twilight even invites the psychopath to live with her. A typical response to just hearing a monster killing a town full of people.

So miles and miles away, Queen Chrsalise is making plans to take over Equestria. … No, that’s not a typo… At least, on my part…

Queen Crysalise stars outside to the dark forest. It had been nearly a year since she was deafeted by Twilight and her friends at the wedding of Candance and Shining Armor. Eversince, she has been trying a plan to kill Twilight and her friends. Crysalise growled and spoke to herself.

Huh… I guess, Chrysalis decided to bail on this fic after taking a look at the script.

One of the changelings decides to inform Queen Crysalise that the Ghost Rider is not only real, but has been seen in Ponyville. Queen Crysalise comes up with a plan to attack Ponyville after ridding it of the Ghost Rider.

Meanwhile, Twilight makes a bed for Ghost Rider and it transitions to him dreaming… Rather suddenly… and he is met by Luna. Luna explains to him that she is here to give him a purpose. So she sets up a scenario in his mind to save a woman who is being mugged and tells him that this is a test.

… How the fuck is this a test?! You literally told him that this was a dream! So, his actions have no consequences if he fails?! And how the hell is he supposed to fail?! Anyone with half a brain could figure out, ‘Well, the princess of the night wants me to save this person, that’s what I’ll do. And then I’ll stab her in the back when she isn’t looking.”

Wouldn’t it be better to test him subtly rather than this bullshit?! Having Luna manipulate the dream to test him, rather than this?!

But it turns out that Ghost Rider failed the test because he’s a fucking psychopath by killing the thug and the innocent victim. Our hero…

As Ghost Rider wakes up, he finds a book that tells him all about the backstory to Ghost Rider 2. No, seriously, it's the backstory to Ghost Rider 2. That Ghost Rider is an angel who fell from heaven and was tricked by Disscord to losing its goodness. Well, it’s a good thing this is Disscord and not Discord, otherwise, I’d have to call bullshit on this.

So, Ghost Rider goes on a mission to find Disscord by any means necessary. Right after a quick bite to eat… Wait, what?

Ghost Rider hadn't eaten for a long time. He wanted some food.

Again… this… badass demon hunter thing… is complaining about being hungry… Starting to see my issue with this? The badass isn’t a badass, he’s just kind of there. I guess it’s to make him more relatable, which it doesn’t because, again, he’s a fucking psycho. But he doesn’t have much of a personality to begin with. He’s kind of bland. He’s not cool. He’s not entertaining. He’s boring! Something I should not be saying about a pony with a flaming skull for a face.

Scootaloo runs into the Ghost Rider and has what I would call a realistic reaction to it.

:scootangel: Ugh… Ghost Rider?... I wanted to see the Hulk.

This causes Rainbow Dash to get involved as she thinks that Ghost Rider is picking on her. Again, not focusing that he has a flaming skull for and rather treating him as the most boring character in existence with nothing interesting about him. Tell me you would do anything different.

But fortunately the shop owner that they happen to be standing right in front of notices them fighting and tells them to take it somewhere else. And … for some reason, Ghost Rider agrees to not killing them, even though we’ve seen nothing that would make us believe that he would ever do that.

Consistancy? What’s that?!


Ghost Rider heads back home where he is kind of a dick to Twilight.

"Hey Rider! Um...what are you doing?" Twilight looked at her friend.

Ghost Rider looked at her with an annoyed look.

"I'm playing chess! What'da think I'm doing?" Ghost Rider's smartass remark.

You know… The more I read about this character, the more I would rather be reading Soren the Alicorn for a more developed character, and he had more pointless powers than Ghost Rider did! Thanks for reminding me of a character I’m getting back to later this year! Coming September!


"Two ponys came in here today looking for you. One was this attitude one, the other was like a drama queen."

Yes, the two ponies that came… One of them being a drama queen. … Even though she didn’t say anything, do anything, or anything anything that would possibly lead to that conclusion. So, not only is Ghost Rider a psychotic murderer, he also judges people based on appearances and automatically goes for the stereotypes.

Just when our hero couldn’t be any more likable.

Twilight decides to introduce Ghost Rider to all her friends, but he thinks that’s a terrible idea. Well, they aren’t impressed with your flaming skull routine, which seems to be all you do, so yeah, I can’t argue with that.

The story doesn’t get much better when it tries to throw in an exciting race. A race that lasts all of two sentences. … I guess the story felt that it needed something to wake us up from sleeping due to the boring as shit character. Mission failed, I’m afraid.

Days past, Ghost Rider was starting to get bored staying inside Twilights house.

God, even the characters in your story are getting bored! My Ghost Rider is telling you to pick up the pace!

Sir!

Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to selflessly promote… A much better Ghost Rider fic.

Sir!

Well, it is!

Not the point, sir!

Suck all the fun out of everything. Kind of like this story.

So, Ghost Rider heads out into the forest looking for the plot, when he comes upon a mare who is injured. Ghost Rider decides to help her and rushes her to a hospital. When he arrives… he somehow passes out… Okay… But it turns out that they were too late to save her. Even though Ghost Rider has demonstrated that he can heal bleeding injuries with his powers, but let’s face it, the author doesn’t care about this story, why should I?

"Why? Why kill an innocent pony?"

Well, you’d know all about the why, wouldn’t you?

The guards think that he’s the one who murdered the mare and decide to arrest him. Ghost Rider decides to attack the guards, maiming one of them as a result. Again, our hero…

Fortunately, he is stopped by the only likable character in this story, Princess Luna. Don’t expect that to last long though.

So, Luna locks up Ghost Rider and interrogates him to find out why he killed the mare. Ghost Rider explains he didn’t and Luna doesn’t believe him.

They argue back and forth and Luna is surprised when Ghost Rider knows that Luna has a sister named Celestia.

… Let me repeat that…

Luna… is shocked… when Ghost Rider… reveals… that he knows… she has a sister…

…

…

I don’t need to say anything. I think the stupidity of that line speaks for itself.

So, after Luna leaves, shocked that this Ghost Rider would know something that… everypony would already know, Disscord appears.

Yeah, apparently Disscord can fuse ponies with demons. … I guess “A Day As Dashie” was right. Disscord can do whatever the plot wants him to.

But Disscord apologizes for turning Ghost Rider into a demon and admits that he has reformed. He also shows that he has proof that Ghost Rider is innocent, but Disscord says he can’t show it to anyone. Why?

"I'm sorry! I need to show this after words! That is how the trails work!"

What are you talking about?! If you have evidence that will prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt that he’s innocent, show them now! I don’t think Celestia is going to care that it’s not taking place in a courtroom! I don’t know much about courtroom trials, and as we’ll see in a minute, neither does the author, but I think that if you have proof that the mare wasn’t killed by Ghost Rider, you can show this evidence without a trial.

Speaking of a trail, the story decides that it needs to put the Ghost Rider on trial for murder. Great, I needed something to lull me back to sleep.

So, the trial is underway, but it’s all pointless since we already know that Ghost Rider is innocent and the evidence that will show he is innocent, so there is really no point to this chapter except to draw this pointlessness out as long as possible.

Ghost Rider, just like the rest of us, doesn’t take this trial seriously as he insults the judge and gets away with it.

And then… right in the middle of a courtroom, a general of Equestria attacks Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider kills him … right in the middle of the courtroom. … Yeah, he’s not dangerous at all. Not even in the slightest.

After Ghost Rider throws his hissy fit, to which no one even bats an eye, Celestia doesn’t call a fucking recess, Disscord finally reveals the evidence that it was a Changeling that impersonated Ghost Rider and murdered the mare.

Oh good, a general of Equestria is dead because Disscord decided it would be a better idea to withhold evidence for a little bit. Is this story trying to make me not like it? Because the terrible spelling and grammar already do that! I don’t need unlikable characters to add to it!

Ghost Rider is pissed that everyone seems to be against him. Well, if you’d stop acting like a dick, killing ponies, yelling at ponies who are trying to help and laughing like a maniac maybe, fucking maybe ponies would be a little nicer to you!

Oh, and by the way, what about the fucking trial for him murdering an entire city of ponies, who didn’t do anything?! Are we just going to forget about that?!

So, Ghost Rider goes into the forest where he meets arguable the best character in the story, Female Ghost Rider. She has another name, but I’m calling her Ghost Rider and I’m now named the ‘Ghost Rider’ in this story Dumbfuck.


Oh yeah… Much better...

The next morning… I guess they had… Ghost Rider Sex… interesting… Ghost Rider explains that the only way for the demon to leave Dumbfuck and become an even more powerful Dumbfuck is to commit suicide. Because… I’m sure that’s how it works…

While they are fishing for some breakfast, which I think is supposed to add chemistry to this fire, Ghost Rider explains her backstory.

It turns out that she was working for a mayor who made slaves of her family. Not sure how that’s legal, but I’ll buy it. And when her family was pointlessly murdered by this mayor, she decided to sell her soul for revenge and ever since getting said revenge and learning how devastating it is to take a life in cold blood, even having an emotional breakdown as a result, has vowed to make sure that no one else suffers what she suffered through.

Ho… Ly… FUCK! Why could this character not be our main character?! She’s far more relatable! She’s far more interesting! She’s far more noble! And she’s far more intelligent and sane than the fucking Dumbfuck we got!

One chapter and I already like this Ghost Rider more than our current one! She should have her own story! The Cool Legends of Ghost Pony Rider.

Our next chapter sees Ponyville under attack by the Changeling Army. Which… I guess nopony saw coming… I mean… they clearly saw the evidence that a Changeling murdered a pony and framed Dumbfuck. Did they not think that Cryslaise might be up to something? Or did they think it was some kind of prank?

So, Crysalis arrives in town and demands to see Dumbfuck. … Which doesn’t make sense because… why would you frame him if you already knew where he wa-Oh fuck it. The story doesn’t care anymore than you do.

The chains retracked and wrapped around the hands of two supernatrual ponys who are about KICK SOME ASS!

So, yeah a fight scene happens.

With this writing it’s about what you expect it to be. Rushed, cliche, unentertaining, and horribly written.

And wouldn’t you know it, the early 2000’s superhero trope of female character being an asskicker, but in the end she has to be saved or dies horribly. FUCKING WOMEN IN REFRIGERATOR TROPE!

But fortunately, for the defenseless, stupid, helpless in everyway women, the big, strong, masculine, handsome, smart, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here’s how it really ends! Stupid ass Dumbfuck dies by Crisalsis. Ghost Rider and Twilight Sparkle kicks some ass and leave evil Dumbfuck for dead. Chrysalis comes back and admits she’s in love with Cadance! They have a baby together! Everyone laughs about it!


The fucking end!


Fuck this fic!

Jesus Christ, do I even have to explain why this story sucks?

No, but I’m going to anyway.

The writing is awful! With a number of spelling errors, grammar mistakes and lack of descriptions of characters, places and emotions. Which makes it very difficult to relate to the characters, get a sense of the world around them, and make it incredibly boring.

The pacing in this story is abysmal. With it either being way too fast or way too slow! Sometimes both at the same time! With the lack of descriptions, scenes are over much faster than they should be. And yet at the same time, NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS UNTIL THE LAST FUCKING CHAPTER! Any interesting point doesn’t come until the last bit of story.

I wouldn’t mind this as much if there was any kind of character development in any of these scenes, but there is barely any, if any at all.

Dumbfuck is a fucking unrelatable psychopath who is pretty much an asshole to everyone he meets. There is a difference between badass and asshole! A huge fucking difference! He is rude, disrespectful and cares nothing for the safety and continued survival of his fellow ponies and yet he is supposed to be portrayed as our hero. Fuck that shit!


The main six and the Princess are barely characterized, with Dumbfuck hogging the spotlight and any interactions he has with the other characters are skimmed over.

Like I said, the only interesting character was Ghost Rider at the end. But even the story found a way to take this badass female Ghost Rider and turn her into a damsel in distress trope! I can’t help but feel that this story probably would have been a lot better if the story had focused on her.

She was a more relatable character. And while her personality wasn’t developed either, due to lack of screentime, she was a more interesting character. My only gripe with her was she shifted back and forth between being a trembling flower and a no-nonsense demon hunter as if the story couldn’t pick a personality.

However, the potential for this character was there. Or this could be because the Dumbfuck was so bad, that even a cliche, unfocused Ghost Rider was better than that!

Bottomline, get rid of Dumbfuck, focus on giving Ghost Rider a personality, have her fight something that could actually give her a challenge, have her interact with the other characters and GET A PROOFREADER!


Jesus Christ, I’d sell my soul for a good fan fic!

Youtube Video


Perhaps, I can assist with that.

Who the fuck are you?

Hades, lord of the Underworld. Or the Devil if you’d like.

Oh… yeah… Didn’t I kill you once?


A… jaundiced account.

Sir… you mean you actually did fight the Devil?

Yes! I told you! My book was possessed by the Devil!

You had used that lie in the past to not review something! I had assumed that you had done so again!

Oh, sure! I lie ONE time and I’m branded as a liar for life!

Try 8,493 times since I have meet you! That is not counting all times I have not been in the same room!

You know you think you’re so smart with your ‘science’ and your ‘technology’ and your-

ENOUGH! You want my services! A soul for a good fan fic?

Wait, you can do that?

Would I be the Devil if I couldn’t?

Wow! This sounds almost too good to be true, though. What’s the catch?

... Wait, what?

What’s the catch?

Sir, you are not seriously considering this.

Would you shut up I’m trying to make a deal with the Devil? What’s the catch?

Um… Do you not understand what I’m trying to do? I’m trying to take your soul… Your eternal soul… for a fan fic. So, I guess the catch would be… you’d lose your soul to be tormented by me for all eternity.

Hm… You make a valid argument. You’ve got yourself-!

Sell your soul and you’ll end up like Mary Jane and Peter Parker in One More Day!

ONE MORE FUCKING DAY! ONE MORE FUCKING DAY! PIECE OF SHIT! GOD DAMN

Apologies, Mr. Satan, but we will not be needing your services today.

Says the android who can’t remember where she came from.

Or simply chooses not to.

Fine, have it your way. But you can’t protect him forever. He has to pay for his sins one day.

We all do.

JESUS FUCK STUPID ONE MORE FUCKING DEAL WITH MEPHISTO PIECE OF SHIT!

Under the Stars


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Today we’ll be looking at a romance fic that supposedly sucks at romance fics. I’m not making that up, that’s in the description.

Your classic i'm-not-who-I-say-I-am love story. A mare and her coltfriend are out, and he turns out to be not who he really is.

I suck at romance fics.

Okay, this is one of my pet peeves. Don’t ever tell your audience that you suck. I know you want to be humble and you want to not your audience expect too much. And… that’s exactly the problem. I already don’t expect too much from the story, so you tainted my expectation and probably the overall result of it.

Maybe putting it at the end of your story after someone has read it, allowing them to judge it for themselves without any prior opinion on it.

With that out of the way, let’s review Under the Stars by Ace Pilot

Our story begins with a pony named Whirlwind who is about to go on a picnic with her coltfriend, Toasty Marshmallow. Not exactly the most masculine name I can think of, but it’s better than Beefy McBeefstick.

He invited her to a picnic at sunset, at a hill overlooking Ponyville. The hill had no special name, as some would think, as it was just an ordinary hill with a nice view.

Why does everyone assume that hills have their own special name? I know some do, but some hills are just, well… hills. Or is this supposed to be like Make Out Reef from Spongebob?

Whirlwind raged around her house, looking for the right stuff to bring. He told her not to bring anything, but she didn't trust him with cooking.

Why?

Something I’m noticing in this story is that Whirlwind seems to be telling us a lot about her relationship with Toasty, rather than showing us. I don’t really believe that these two are in love since I really don’t have any evidence to back it up. Because of this, it’s hard to get invested with them since I don’t get to see the chemistry between them or any interactions they have prior.

Anyway, Whirlwind gathers up some food to take on their picnic and goes off to meet with Toasty.

Toasty, it seems, is already at the hill where they’ve chosen to meet and Whirlwind notices that he’s not his normal self. This would be more interesting if we had gotten to know Toasty beforehand instead of getting to know what he’s not like.

Toasty looked down, obviously expecting the question to be asked, and dreading it.

How was it obvious that a question was going to be asked? Does he do something with his ears that indicate that? A little explanation here would be great.

The night begins to fall upon the two as they enjoy their time together, sure wish we got to see that. And then we get this weird image…

Whirlwind was laughing, as Toasty had just dropped his sandwich in the grass. The ants had come and hauled it away, but were unable to get it in their underground nest. They broke it apart, piece by piece, and took it down the hole. All Toasty was able to do was watch.

Toasty: Well, nothing left to do but let the ants take it, I guess.

Whirlwind: You’re a million times their size!

Toasty: Yeah, but they used to pick on me at the playground.

Toasty is solemn, but not because of his stolen sandwich. He says he has something to confess to Whirlwind and then rather than ease her into this big secret, he just exposes himself as a changeling rather suddenly.

Well, better to rip it off like a band-aid, I guess.

Actually, this scene coupled with what Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2 thought Changelings were

Makes the scene with the ants a little bit funnier.

Whirlwind: Wait, you're a changeling?


Toasty: Yep.

Whirlwind: But aren’t you and ants the same thing?

Toasty: For the last time, they picked on me when I was a child!

Toasty (Drone is his really name, but I’m calling him Toasty because it’s funnier) is ashamed that he lied to her and revealed that the only reason initially he did this was so he could get close to Whirlwind to absorb her love. What he didn’t count on was Toasty falling in love as well.

Toasty says that he understands if Whirlwind doesn’t love him anymore, but Whirlwind, rather quickly, forgives Toasty for lying to her and trying to use her. Well, Cadance and Chrysalis made up rather quickly, so why not?

So our story ends with them confessing their love for each other. Aww… that’s precious.

Anyway…

Now before I get any emails about how I didn’t seem to rage very much during this one, that’s because for what we got, it really wasn’t horrible. It was far from what I would have liked, though. But it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen. Honestly, more length and proper polishing and this fic probably could have ended up being enjoyable.

But as short as it is, it’s over too quickly to be invested in the characters. There isn’t much on personalities either, with only Whirlwind getting spots of a personality here and there.

This story would have been more interesting if it had began from the start of their relationship rather than the end of it where they confess their love. That way we get to see how Toasty treated her when he first met her and see the transformation (no pun intended) where he does start to develop feelings for her.

It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen this thing in Fan Fiction, but I feel like what we got here was a missed opportunity.

It’s obvious some passion went into it and I honestly believe that if more time was dedicated to it, it probably would have turned out pretty okay.

Overall, these things keep me from giving it a positive rating. It was just over too quick for me. For a quick read, maybe you’ll find more enjoyment.

Have a good day guys.


Ponyville's New Neighbour


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, Ponyville. What is it about this lovely town that makes writers want to live there as opposed to where they live now? Why do authors love creating ponified versions of themselves to live in a place that has more bad things happen to it than Townsville from the Powerpuff Girls? Most likely they imagine Ponyville as a sort of utopia where they can go to make friends with their favorite ponies or more likely, fuck their favorite ponies.

I wouldn’t know. I hate living in this backwater dirt heap of a town. And not because I’m jealous of everypony with more than two pennies to rub together. Though that isn’t exactly helping.

As I’ve said before, self inserts in Fan Fictions are not automatically bad. I just don’t like them when they over glorify themselves for the little to nothing the characters actually do and the main six love them for nothing and want to have sex with him for the equal amount of time it took to develop the story.

Today I’ll be looking at a story called Ponyville’s New Neighbour by Tecuro. As with most stories like this in the past, it promises to be a unoriginal mess of the main six falling in love with a character we’ve known for a grand total of five minutes.

The sound of bird song floated through Twilight Sparkle’s open window and gently roused her from her sleep.

And already off to a rocky start… Sound of Bird Song? What is Bird Song? Are we sure it’s not ‘A bird’s song’? Or ‘The sounds of Bird Song’ as if this was the title of a song I’m supposed to know?

The story starts off with Twilight waking up from a good night sleep. She goes downstairs to where Spike is making breakfast. Just like the good, little slave dragon he is.

You’re adorable when you’re angry.


“Good morning, Twilight!” he said upon seeing her, in his usual upbeat tone “how did you sleep?”

“Beautifully, thank you,” Twilight replied her feeling of contentment rising at his bright attitude “and yourself?”

“I can’t complain. I wish the birds would keep it down a bit though.”

Owlowiscious was practicing Beethoofen again last night.

As the two begin to enjoy their breakfast, Pinkie Pie bursts into the room glopping Twilight. As she is wont to do. She takes her outside, after creating a mess in the library and leaves Spike to clean up after it. Well, that was kind of a bitch thing to do.

Chuckling slightly in spite of herself, Twilight made her way towards the small mountain of books that covered her friend when Pinkie exploded from the pile, grabbed Twilight by the hoof and took off towards the town leaving a confused and amused Spike to clear up the mess.

It’s amusing because they don’t care.

So, Pinkie Pie takes Twilight out into the town. There, they start to spy on a new pony who had just come into Ponyville. Yeah, that’s not stalker-ish at all, Pinkie. Twilight asks why they don’t just go up and meet him, but Pinkie Pie says that she wants to spy on him to find out what he likes. You know, like normal people. Okay, this is Pinkie Pie and all that, but I’m saying that she doesn’t seem like the type that would hide from new ponies!

I think the evidence is the first episode and a ‘Friend in Need’ (that may not be the correct title of the episode). In said episodes, Pinkie Pie threw a party for Twilight, without knowing anything about her. Granted, she did, somehow, know that Twilight would be at the library, but still she at least interacted with her. Or with Cranky where she talked with him and tried to get to know him.

So, Pinkie Pie’s reaction here doesn’t make any kind of sense! Why would she be stalking the guy?! Unless, she is in love with him?! Wouldn’t be the most far-fetched thing this story offers!

Anyway, Twilight, the only pony with logic, says that they should simply introduce themselves to this stranger. An idea that apparently slipped Pinkie’s mind. They head over to him and meet him.

“Oh, hey!” he replied with a thick foreign accent, that Twilight could have sworn she heard before but couldn’t place “I didn’t think anypony else would be awake at this time.”

Exactly how early is a question of debate, since the story does not tell us what time it is. I suppose it’s just left to us to interpret, but the last chapter stated it was apparently late enough to start breakfast. Unless it's a Sunday, the day of relaxation.

It turns out that our mystery guest is Steed from Trottingham. Get used to not knowing that much about him. You won’t feel like you’ve missed out on anything when it’s all over. Twilight asks him how he came to Ponyville and Steed says that he came from Appaloosa making friends with Braeburn along the way. Sure, why not? With the amount of friends he has by the end of the story, I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy was having tea parties with fucking Sombra.

Oh, and apparently, Braeburn tells him all about Twilight and her friends with such description that Steed is able to figure out who Twilight and Pinkie Pie are simply by appearances.

Braeburn: So, Twilight is the really smart one with the purple blot. She says she works out, but don’t believe it. She clearly has no upper hoof strength and watch out for the rolls of fat. Now, Pinkie on the other hoof… oh… That mare can blow my party whistle any time. And she’s really good at it.

And to make matters more cliche, before his stop to Ponyville, he wound up in the Everfree Forest. Hey, we had to get him to become friends with Zecora somehow, despite her not actually appearing in the story. Also, he was attacked by Manticore. The sure fire way to get your audience to relate to a character. Throw a fucking Manticore at them!

Of course, the investment of our main characters isn’t helped by the fact that, somehow, a herd of buffalo found it’s way into the Everfree Forest. Sorry, I’ve lost interest in Steed. I want to know about why the hell the fucking buffalo are in the Everfree Forest! Is this a rite of passage for them?! Did they get lost or something?!

Then…

He said, offering a hoof to Twilight, but before she could take it a blood-curdling scream pierced the air. Looking around Twilight, Pinkie and a very confused and terrified Steed all saw Rarity with a look of horror on her face, as if she had just seen somepony brutally murdered, looking directly at Steed; obviously enough time had passed for the rest of Ponyville to wake up.

Looks like our girl, Rarity, has just found out about our friend, Mary… I mean, Steed. Rarity is offended by mud on his body. I, personally, find other things offensive about him. Like the fact that so far all I know about his hobbies and shit, is that he loves traveling and hates being eaten. A well rounded character that one. So, Rarity takes him into a spa and attempts to give him a makeover. Oh, I do hope we get to see a crossdressing stallion in this.

Seriously, why don’t more stories have crossdressing stallions?!


I guess we had to get the spa ponies in this story somehow and the plot wasn’t going to get us anywhere. Thankfully, we can always count on Contrivance Town to solve the problem for us.

Rarity continues to be over the top with her begging the spa ponies to save him. Twilight and Pinkie try to calm her down, but Rarity isn’t having any of it. And I will give this story some credit. Rarity is the only one who is breathing life into this story. In fact, she’s more over the top than Pinkie Pie is thus far. But is Rarity strong enough to save this story? … Of course she is. But does the story know that?

Anyway, the spa ponies have their way with him, (Not like that, you pervs.) and he reappears before the girls.

The gold of his eyes matched his hooves and parts of his mane and tail (both of which were still as untidy as they were before, but now mud free), the parts they didn’t match were a bold red that matched his coat colour, a previously hidden physical feature he had was half a missing ear and his cutie mark intrigued Twilight; a horseshoe with a large crack running down it.

:duck: You know, now that I think about it, he did look better with the mud on him.

As Rarity and Twilight pay the spa ponies for their services, Pinkie Pie tells the others that Steed had run off and she can’t find him anywhere. I’m not entirely surprised. An extremely attractive mare comes up to you, takes interest in you, wants to know how you are doing, and pays for an entire day at the spa for you after almost getting killed in a vicious forest. I know I’d be doing the same thing.

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Twilight proposes that they find him, but Pinkie Pie is against it. Which is really weird on Pinkie’s part seeing how she was perfectly fine stalking him a couple minutes ago. I guess consistency got pushed down the priority meter.

“Did you see what he was like in there? He’s not in his right mind! And now he’s loose in Ponyville!” Twilight argued.

See? Even Twilight thinks this guy is insane!

:facehoof: Why can’t I get stallions to like me?!

However, before the group can get even five meters away from the spa, Steed falls on top of them from a tree. And the reason he freaked out on them at the spa is because he doesn’t like being clean.

So… where do I begin?

He doesn’t like being clean? So, why doesn’t he have more diseases? Bathing is kind of that second line of defense against bacteria that can harm you! Bacteria that has adapted to your natural immune system! Not cleaning your hands or body makes it easier for bad bacteria to get into your mouth, eyes and nose! Causing all kinds of problems like diarrhea and influenza!

Also, why does he not have more ache?! Bathing helps rid your body of various oils, dead skin cells, dirt and sweat! If you didn’t bathe, you’d develop these problems and in most cases they’d become worse! It would even cause skin infection! Dermatitis neglecta?! Those brown spots that would cake onto your skin?! Yeah, where are those?!


And what about the smell?! Shouldn’t Twilight and Pinkie Pie have had some reaction to him smelling like a goat’s ass?! Don’t you want friends, dude?! And this review just turned into a PSA for hygiene. It’s not my fault! It’s the character’s fault! He made me do it!


So, the odorless, diseaseless, flawlessly skinned Mary… I mean, Steed, suggests that they go to Sweet Apple Acres since Braeburn sent a letter to Applejack speaking of Steed’s arrival. Spending a sentence to get to meet all the ‘cool’ characters of Ponyville, including Vinyl, Octavia, Trixie, and various other fan favorites. I would name them all, but frankly the interactions they have with Steed are nonexistent. Much like his personality.

They find Applejack and Big MacIntosh hard at work. Mostly because that’s how most fans portray her. And I wouldn’t have her any other way!

However, there seems to be some problem at Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack is having trouble getting some stubborn apples out of a tree! Now, I know what you’re all thinking?! But there is no need to panic! We have Steed!

“Stand back, ma’am!” Steed yelled at her, in a very heroic and clichéd tone of voice, then galloped full speed straight at the tree while everypony else could only watch in a mixture of shock and awe.

To everypony’s surprise Steed, instead of bucking the tree, continued running towards it and head-butted it with such force that not only shook the apples into the buckets placed by the trunk but, also some of the branches to the floor.

God, stick a pitchfork up my ass and then twist it around inside me!

I mean, good fucking god! Where do I even start with this shit?! This is how we are going to portray Applejack?! She can’t get a few fucking apples down after … what … 10 fucking years of doing this?! She’s outwitted by a few apples?! Okay, what the fuck ever! And then, after that we have big, strong, handsome, brave, heroic, pretentious, self-absorbed Steed riding in on a white horse to save the day! I think you could put Applejack in a pretty princess dress and tie her to a railroad track with her only lines being “Help me! Help me!”, and she’d still have more dignity than this!

So, after that, Steed explains the reason he was able to turn Applejack into the damsel in distress trope… No, no… keep the focus… is because he is a mountain climber. However, he says he’s not very good at it and thus keeps landing on his head, developing a thick skull. Because that is sure how bones work. Also, does he have any brain damage? Maybe this is all in his mind and he’s actually in a coma. It’d be something interesting.

Steed continues to explain his backstory as he got his cutie mark from surviving an avalanche while climbing a mountain. His cutie mark apparently represents the fact that he never gives up despite how hard things get for him. Thankfully, Twilight and the others don’t seem very interested in hearing Steed’s backstory and instead want to see what Applejack is cooking up in the barn. Well, at least the main six are still relatable in this story.

While waiting for Applejack to prepare whatever surprise she has in store for them, we are introduced to Steed’s pet falcon, Arrow.

God… I wish…

It turns out that Arrow had been in the Apple family’s barn for some time before Steed arrived. Apparently, Arrow had arrived with a note from Braeburn and Steed’s saddlebag containing his supplies. Wait, what?! How did a falcon lift all of his stuff?! I mean, I know it doesn’t mention any amount of weight, but I assume you have mountain climbing equipment and shit?! I may not know much about mountain climbing, but I’m pretty sure that a 2 pound bird could not carry a 150 pound bag of mountain climbing equipment!

Have you never seen Monty Python?!

So, just like every chapter so far in this story and matching up with ‘new pony arriving in Ponyville cliche’ Rainbow Dash arrives on the scene. For no reason. At this point, do they really need one? And Rainbow Dash acts like a bitch here, also for no reason. She challenges Arrow to a race. Yes. Rainbow Dash is apparently so petty that she has to beat a bird to feel good about herself. I’m not sure who lost more of their dignity. Rainbow Dash or Applejack. … I’ll let you guys decide amongst yourselves.

So the group manage to put together a race in the time it takes to have a typical shit and the race is on between Rainbow Dash and Arrow. Throughout most of the race, Rainbow Dash continues to be kind of a dick to Arrow, belittling him and the like. I don’t remember Rainbow Dash being that much of a jerk in the show. I mean, sometimes, maybe, but not this much!

And the race is filled to the brim will all the excitement, action, emotions, and skill you’d expect from this story! Everything that would fit into a 15 word sentence! I think I’ve seen paint drying competitions that were more exciting than this race!

So, as you probably guessed, the race is over as soon as it starts and yet somehow, we are supposed to be impressed. And big shock here, Rainbow Dash wins the race. Oh, good, that was a worthwhile scene. Rainbow Dash admits that she always knew she’d win, but that she wanted to get to know Steed by competing … against his falcon? Wait, what?

“The best way to get to know somepony is to compete against them, and it works for animals too,” She explained, then nodded towards Arrow (still catching his breath) “That falcon was willing to go through all that for you, and I can tell he’d be willing to go through a lot more. If he thinks you’re worth it then that must mean he really likes you.” Rainbow Dash lifted her hoof to Steed “And if a falcon likes you that much, you can’t be that bad.”

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You know nothing about him! We know more about the fucking falcon than we do Steed! You know how you get to know a person? YOU FUCKING TALK TO THEM! Take an interest in their lives, see if any matches up with yours. If they don’t, maybe you can learn about that, showing that you are interested in why they like what they like. Ask questions. Talk about things that you find interesting. No, it makes much more sense for the story to just have Rainbow Dash learn everything she needs to know about a person by competing… with their pet? This wouldn’t even fly if Steed somehow sprouted wings and took off into space!

And even if I would buy this bullshit that you can learn about a person by competing with them, how do you know the falcon didn’t try to win because he knew he’d get a beating if he didn’t?! How do you know that the falcon wasn’t thinking to himself ‘Oh, shit! I’ve got to win this or my master will make me carry 150 pounds of his mountain climbing shit over 70 miles!’

After the race, the group remembers ‘Hey, we still don’t have a plot yet. Maybe we’ll find one at Fluttershy’s house’. We might as well. It’s the only character we haven’t met yet. So, the group finds a contrived reason to find Fluttershy. Which ends up being ‘we should introduce Steed to Fluttershy’. Seriously, could you at least try to be creative?

And if you thought Trixie, Octavia and Vinyl had no reason to be here, we pass by Lyra and Bon-Bon making out on our way to Fluttershy’s house. I’m sure whatever their doing is far more interesting than what I’m reading. They make their way to Fluttershy’s house and knock on the door to introduce Mary… I mean Steed. However, Fluttershy doesn’t seem that interested in meeting him.

“Fluttershy, dear, are you in?” She softly called out “Its Rarity, and the rest of us. We have a new arrival in Ponyville and we’d very much like for you to meet him.”

For a while there was silence and Twilight saw Steed roll his eyes.

Then a small voice was heard from inside “Do I have to?" it asked.

Hey, the only realistic reaction to this character yet.

But even that get shot in the ballsack when Fluttershy opens the door and … oh, Jesus fuck… Just play Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet here!

Yep, this is what this whole fic has been building up to, everyone. A chance to get in Fluttershy’s cottage. Well, good thing we spent the last seven chapters building this well-rounded character. Oh, fucking wait. I mean, god, can you imagine if Steed had come to Fluttershy’s door, while still in his filthy, unbathed body?

So, Fluttershy and Steed have what I guess is supposed to be a moment, but it’s so painfully forced that even the characters are starting to notice how painful it is!

“I’m Steed,” Steed said to nopony in particular, keeping his head down.

“Something you haven’t already told her,” Twilight reminded him, trying to sound gentle while holding back the urge to slap him.

“Oh… uh… I like… uh… stuff,” Steed mumbled.

“This is like watchin’ paint dry,” Applejack commented.

There could be no better line to describe this story.

As if it wasn’t any more painful in how forced the romance is in this, the characters themselves try to force the two on a date together! God, I wish I was fucking kidding! These two ponies who have met for a grand total of two minutes, and already Fluttershy is getting shipped with him! This is worse than that time the Crusaders tried to ship Cheerilee with Big Mac. … Not that I’m complaining. Keep it alive, people. Keep it alive.

So, Rarity comes up with the idea that she doesn’t have the right tea leaves to make the tea for such a special occasion. Our heroes send Fluttershy and Steed to go and fetch them together. Alone. In the kitchen. With nopony else around. Unfortunately, before any action can go on, Steed and Fluttershy arrive with a steaming hot pot of tea. And a question I have is, where is Discord in all this? Oh, well. Let’s face it, guys, he’d only make this story entertaining.

And, pfft, in true Mary Sue fashion, Steed is continually complimented by his tea making skills. With Fluttershy being the most impressed of all of them. And just to remind you, his cutie mark is the ability to never give up, despite his failures. … And you notice something kind of missing in this story? Like his failures? Yeah, despite this story spending so much time with him stating that he never gives up no matter how he fails, he never once fails at anything! The only thing that you could possibly say that he ‘failed’ in was his falcon not beating Rainbow Dash in the race. But even that is stretching it, since it was the falcon that raced Rainbow Dash and Steed had absolutely nothing to do with it!

For a story that praises how he never gives up, you sure forgot to give him a situation where that would have proven valid!

And you guys might have noticed something with this fic. We are two chapters away from the end… and nothing… fucking nothing has happened! Good fucking christ, this fic is fucking boring! I mean, what has happened? Steed came into town, meets the main six, falls in love with Fluttershy… and that’s it! Nothing interesting has happened, nothing has changed, nothing has been overcome! So what is the point of this story?!

Is this story seriously going to scrounge together a plot so quickly and so hastily in the last two chapters?! Are you serious?! You can’t! There is no way you can accomplish that! There is no way that you could- You did it, didn’t you?!

“Well, do you remember the disgruntled manticore I mentioned?” he said, looking guilty, “It’s possible that he may have followed me here” - another loud roar rang through the town - “just maybe.”

Seriously?! You know why this didn’t work for me? You want to know why this last second Manticore summoning bullshit doesn’t work for me?! It’s because it took us nine… Nine fucking chapters to get to this point! Nine chapters wasted on what barely passes for a plank of wood that you call a character! Some bullshit about meeting the main six, which we really never learn how he interacts with them, and a romance so forced even the Cutie Mark Crusaders would be calling you out on it!

All of this was pointless! Because we are not invested! I am not invested in this character or in this story! Any other sane person would have stopped reading this by now saying ‘Why am I reading this? This has nothing to give to me.’ And then picked up something else! Something that actually has intriguing characters, a flowing narrative, a fucking plot!

So, the manticore starts to rip through the town and Twilight, Spike, and Steed try to do everything in their power to stop it. Despite their efforts, the manticore is still on a rampage, but Steed is able to lure it away into the forest. While that’s going on, Applejack and Big Mac arrive just in time… To do, pretty much nothing. Yeah, they have as much point being there as Spike does.

Oh, Spike. Your fits of rage bring me joy.

Unfortunately, before the manticore can kill our hero, he is saved by Fluttershy and … the manticore’s mom? Sure, I’ll buy it.

So, the day is saved, everypony worships the ground that Mary walks on, as he shows that he is capable of helping the main six run their lives and even agrees to ask Fluttershy to be his very special somepony.

Man, this one sucked!

This is the story we’ve all heard a hundred times in the past and unfortunately, this story does nothing different with it. It spends each of the chapters meeting one of the main six. However, it focuses on each of them very little and the character barely spends any time with them. The chapters in this are so short that they barely have time to strike up a conversation before it ends.

It spends way too long trying to befriend the main six, instead of actually thinking of a plot that could sew that kind of storytelling together. Instead of thinking of a scenario, where this no named pony could potentially meet the main six and become a close friend, the story takes the easy, cliche and less interesting route, and just have them instantly taking a liking to him. One after the other. Which makes this story ridiculously slow! The plot doesn’t get around to moving until the final chapter and even then, it’s hardly that interesting!

The romance in this is beyond forced. Fluttershy knows nothing about this guy and is instantly in love with him. Bullshit! Not only does this insult my favorite character by setting her up with something that could have been replaced by a two-by-four, but is an insult to anyone who enjoys romance stories for the journey of two lovers. There is literally no chemistry between these two. The only scenes we get of these two are very brief and they barely talk to one another.

And finally, the character himself. He’s ultimately bland. He doesn’t stick out like any other character. There is nothing that makes him unique from all the other Mary-Sue type figures that I’ve read about. He’s just… generic Mary-Sue. Unlike other Sues, which stand out due to their absurdity, he’s just another sue that isn’t engagingly good nor amusingly bad. He’s just kind of there. And for a main character, that is not a good thing. He’s not interesting enough for me to want to know more and he’s not real enough to be relatable. He’s not even that fun to make fun of, as he isn’t loaded with tons of tragic backstory or ridiculous powers. There just isn’t enough of a spark to him to give him life. Which is a perfect way to describe this story as a whole. Lifeless.


Overall, a boring, cliched experience that we’ve seen a hundred times in the past without anything to distinguish it. Skip it! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to write next week's review/PSA teaching you all the wonders of ‘Seatbelt Safety’.

Secret Life of Rarity (With Guest Reviewer Brony Fife)


Critique: One thing to note about this story before we begin is that the story has to warn us that the author doesn’t condone the actions and that if any author has murderous impulses to seek help.

Fife: Gotta be a responsible author, I guess. “In this story, Fluttershy explodes twice. I do not condone exploding. If you feel like you’re going to explode, it sucks to be you.”

Um… Is this a parody? I mean, was it really necessary for the story to tell us that killing people violently is bad and that you shouldn’t do it? Story, if we don’t already think that killing people in real life is bad, I don’t think that your little message is going to change our minds! And that would be because we’re a psycho and not going to change!

But at least, this author decided to tell those of us who know murder is bad… Murder is bad…

This is our first clue that this story is going to treat us like we’re children. When one writes a dark story, they must realize the primary readers they’re aiming for are going to be people mature enough to handle the adult themes. In that respect, one must write in a way that doesn’t talk down to their audience.

Yeah, that’s about the gist of it.

Also, I’d like to put this little tidbit in the description in the side pile for later.

*Note* This is not Cupcakes with Rarity. I don't have her just slicing and dicing ponies every chapter for the sake of it. This story is more of a character analysis.

That’s a rather specific act of denial, isn’t it?

Yeah… we’re getting back to that one.

Our story opens with…

Today was the day.

Today is the day?! Oh, boy! It’s Big MacIntosh’s Birthday, the day where he will find a magic hammer that will transform him into thunder god and join up with other heroes in a decent, but entertaining super hero…

Sorry. Was trying to think of something more engaging…

Yes, today is the day. Today is the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

It turns out that our story starts years before Friendship is Magic and little Rarity wakes up to greet her parents.

Her father lifted his daughter into the air with his magic, and wrapped her up in a crushing hug. “Hey there, champ. You sleep well?”

Um… champ? How many parents call their daughters, champs? Granted, I’m sure they’re out there, but is that really that common? I mean, okay, why should it matter what you call your kids (inappropriate names notwithstanding), but I’ve never heard a little girl called champ before? Is this because boy shows and girl shows are blurring the line?

“I WANTED A SON, OK?! This is how I deal with disappointment!”

“B-But, Daddy, I thought you loved me...”

“FIVE ACROSS THE ASS!”

It turns out today is Rarity’s first day of school and she is extremely excited for it. Tell me about it, I’ve got a niece that won’t stop talking about it.

And speaking of little girls, see if this sounds like a little girl to you…

Rarity nodded and leaped onto her father's back. "Yes, dad! I'm as ready as a butterfly that just came out of her cocoon!"

“I’m as ready as a clumsy metaphor!” God, it sounds like Rarity is suddenly channeling Homsar.

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Okay… Story… If you’re going to write children characters, try actually writing children characters!

No child talks like this. In the story, Rarity is starting her first day of school, which could make her younger than Applebloom. In a story, a child character needs to talk like a child character! Maybe… maybe if this was Twilight, I might have given it a pass, but no! It’s Rarity! It’s fucking Rarity!

Why the hell would she talk like this if she is six fucking years old?!


I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many six year olds who talk like this!

Evidently, you’ve never watched The Omen.

Can’t say I have...

So, Rarity is off to school and meets with everypony’s favorite school teacher, Cheerilee. Filly form of course. Oh, and just to show that the story doesn’t know how to write children characters unless they’re adults, here’s some more examples of that in Rarity’s and Cheerilee’s dialogue.

Rarity turned around and saw a happy looking purplish earth pony filly smiling warmly at her. "Hi there, you must be the new student in our class."

"Why yes, my name is Rarity. What's yours?" she asked, doing her best to control her excitement. She was making a friend, on her very first day!

"I'm Cheerilee, it's nice to meet you." The filly extended a hoof and Rarity shook it. "So, you're the pony who lives on the outskirts right? Yours is the house beyond the edge of Town Hall?"

Rarity nodded proudly. "Yep, that's my house alright. I know it isn't the best, but it's home," she said, echoing a statement her parents had made many times.

Seriously, I think Mykan can write a better child character than you. And he just copies cliches of child characters!

Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

So, in classic cliche storytelling 101, when Rarity gets to school she’s immediately assaulted by the first bully with no redeemable qualities whatsoever who happened to be in the area. Is this some kind of sick initiation thing?

Teacher: Now, mother and father, I want you to understand that when your child is placed into a new learning facility, he or she will be set upon by the biggest douchebag at the school.

Father: Really?

Teacher: Oh, yes. It’s quite common. Tradition, in fact. I’m sure your wife went through something similar, yes?


Mother: Oh, yes. I used to move around a lot, so I got to meet a lot of bullies. Most of them with no souls and often burned down orphanages as their extracurricular activities.

Teacher: Indeed, we still have those. In fact, I’m the head coach for the ‘Kicking Ponies While They’re Down’ club. We’re kind of dicks that way.

Well to their credit, at least they don’t recommend putting your kids on Ritalin.

Touche.

So… I guess, the bullies make fun of her, but honestly, I still can’t see these kids being actually kids. In honesty, the bullies are the closest to actually being kids and even they make no sense with the way they talk!

"Lighten up Cheerilee, we're just having fun with the poor filly. I mean, we're not the first to remind her of her sad situation, right?" snarked Dug.

"I mean, look at her hair! It's so tacky," the unicorn filly cackled.

Seriously, this first chapter is really hard to take seriously when all I can think of is ‘Flutter’s Mom is Always Calm.’ A fic that, may I remind you, was fucking stupid!


So, Rarity gets upset and runs into the teacher, who tells her that she can calm herself down by head off to the creek behind the school. Oh, good, leave a child alone, by herself, with no one around, upset, and literally needed a shoulder to cry on.

Teacher: Meh, I’m sure it will work itself out. Just go cry in the corner, you little bitch.

“But it’s a circular room!”

“TEN ACROSS THE ASS!”

God, the teachers in this story are as fucking useless as they were in Flutterhulk.

“Of course.” The mare patted Rarity on the head. “You just go on and calm down for as long as you need, Rarity. I’ll see you later.”

Look at this, she doesn’t even offer to check on the kid or calling the kid’s parents. Granted, a phone probably doesn’t exist by this point, but still talking to the parents about her problems I think is part of teacher’s job description. But what the fuck do I know, I only lived with a teacher for the first 20 fucking years of my life.

Rarity slowed her crying, and looked up at her teacher with hopeful eyes. She nodded and helped me to my hooves.

… Wait… is this story in first person or third? Oh, great. Typos. And this story is revered like some deity? Jesus, people will buy anything these days!


[looks aside at a stack of copies of Fifty Shades of Grey]

Tell me about it. My girlfriend won’t shut up about those shitty books.

In fact, there are quite a few typos in this story.

Cheerilee slid her pencil in one of the pockets before turning to Rarity. "I always though that pegasus history was cool, but I like to learn about Ponyville a lot more!"

She was really looking forwards to the end of the year project where she got to make whatever kind of clothing she wanted.

I think that was supposed to be ‘thought’, but… let’s face it, it pretty much matches how the author approached this story.

So, after classes, Rarity and Cheerilee discuss what kind of games they want to play, do they want to hang out, what they had for lunch. Nah, I’m kidding, they talk about the wonders of learning.

You know, like real kids do!

The real kids who do that get beat up a lot. Wonder why.

And so the week continues on with Rarity in this picture perfect world that even Friendship is Magic would be saying “Jesus, have some fucking conflict.” Oh and wouldn’t you know it, the school even has a sewing class for her!

… What? Your elementary school didn’t have a sewing class that teaches you how to operate a sewing machine when you were fucking seven years old?! Pfft, what kind of backwards school did you go to?! Next, you’ll be telling me that they actually had recess at your school!

My school had a potty-training class. It WAS the Texas public school system, after all.

So, at the end of the week, Rarity and her mother approach the school grounds to see the bullies have returned, having been suspended for a week after bullying Rarity. Rarity explains her hesitation to going to school and the world’s greatest mom gives her two cents.

"Rarity, just because those foals are there doesn't mean you can't have a good time at school. The best thing is to ignore them. They'll get bored and leave you alone."

Um… no! Wrong! Try again!

That’s the best advice you’ve got, mom?! Seriously, your daughter tells you that she’s being bullied and you just tell her to ignore it! What kind of mom does that?! Any other mom would be tearing down doors demanding why her daughter was being bullied and why the school would allow that kind of behavior!

Between the children characters not acting like children, the teacher being ineffective, and the mom just not giving a shit, not a single character acts like an actual character!

You would never get away with this in any other story, so why the hell does this story get a free pass like this?!

Because people like the concept. That's the only reason these shitty stories always sell the best. Execution doesn't matter to most people, because most people are not artists and don't care about how anything is done. Just look at the mess that is the Call of Duty series.

Ugh… Anyway, since the bullies in this story clearly are unredeemable, they decide to … what else? … Pick on Rarity again. They kind of have no souls that way.

It’s a thug thing! You wouldn’t understand!


She flinched as a hoof came down right next to her ear. Kicker was standing directly above her, glaring downward. "I wouldn't keep telling Teacher about us," he growled.

Wait, so is the teacher in this story actually named Teacher? Well, it wouldn’t surprise me how cliche everything is. Next you’ll be telling me Rarity’s parents are actually named ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’.

Fuck, I’m surprised Sweetie Belle isn’t just called ‘Sister’ at this point.

This is coming from a critic named Critique. Gotta love the taste of irony.

Shut up!

And so this kind of behavior continues on for WEEKS!


As wonderful as the first week had been for Rarity; Dug, Annie, and Kicker made sure that the following weeks were quite the opposite.

I hate everything about this sentence. That semicolon. THAT SEMICOLON, THOUGH.

Story, come the fuck on! This kind of bullying has been going on for weeks and nothing has been done about it!


Fuck, Rarity even tells the teacher several times about their behavior! I’m not kidding! Look! Look!

Unfortunately for Rarity, neither the notes nor the whispers of ‘rat’ could be punished, let alone traced back to the trio. They continued on with no regrets or remorse, shrugging off the teacher’s constant lectures on behavior.

What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘couldn’t be traced back to the trio’?! The teacher knows about their behavior! Rarity’s mother knows about them picking on Rarity! The bullies have been in the spotlight and they’ve been confronted by Teacher before! So, why the hell would Teacher ignore Rarity’s plights after she just helped her through it?!

Jesus, Teacher really is fucking ineffective!

And this is supposed to be taken seriously?! Seriously enough that the story has to claim that it’s a character study?!

I’m sorry, I don’t buy it! This is like something South Park would parody! Where the adults are extremely idiotic and the kids have to solve their problems themselves! Except, the story forgot that South Park is actually clever and humorous and sucked all of that out! Now, we’re left with something that acts like that, but tries to be ‘dark’ and ‘serious’ and ‘deep’ and ‘poetic’ and it’s nothing like that because the characters aren’t acting realistically!


Nothing feels real in this story! Not the characters, not the plot, not the actions of the characters, nothing feels real! And that is a huge sin for a story to make! And we’re still on the first fucking chapter! The first fucking chapter!


Oh, and take a look at this bullshit! Rarity goes to Teacher to try to get them to stop, but what happens?!

She did occasionally try to stop it, but wasn't in a position of power to do more than lecture them.

Are there no fucking principals in this fucking world?!

Why is it a common trope in stories involving schools there is no fucking principals in the schools?! Did the principal kill your parents?! Or was it because you got sent to the principal’s office one time and this is your only chance for revenge, by cutting them from the story?!

And if there is a principal, why doesn’t she fucking go to him?! A principal’s job is to help deal with these kinds of problems! We also have assistant principals and other administrators to assist students in dealing with these problems! Why the fuck can’t she go talk to them?!

And what is this ‘position of power’ bullshit that she can’t do anything more than lecture them?!


I seem to remember her being able to SUSPEND THEM FOR A WEEK! Where the fuck did that kind of power go?! If she lost that power, clearly she has to have some kind of superior that could take that away! Why can’t she go to said superior about this problem and get permission to use that power again?!

This story lacks basic consistency! This honestly should have been over in a millisecond! Just expel the little bastards and be done with it! Too extreme, you say? It would make about as much sense as anything else in this fucking piece of shit!


And believe it or not, it only gets stupider and stupider with every passing sentence to the point where I could literally comment on every single one, but we’ve not even passed the first chapter yet, so let’s move on.

Eventually, the bullying gets so bad that Rarity decides to not tell her parents, or Teacher anymore.

I don’t blame her. These ponies have been ineffective dealing with six year olds!

"Why doesn't Teacher do anything?" she whimpered. "She suspended them the first day, why doesn't she just kick them out of school for good to make them leave me alone?"

Oh… well, okay then. Story, now is your chance. Tell me the reason why Teacher couldn’t do anything.

So, go ahead. I’m all ears.

Rarity sat on her haunches and closed her eyes, but the second she did the image of the three of them laughing at her flashed into her vision.

Story… Story, I’m ready. Let’s hear it… Why doesn’t Teacher just kick them out of school?

Her body was instantly consumed with rage, and she slammed her hoof down in the creek, splashing both herself and the surrounding area with water.

Story, I’m right here! Just tell me!


"I HATE THEM!" she screamed. "I WISH THEY WERE DEAD!"

You know what, just fuck it.

So, as you can probably guess, Rarity is possessed by anger and wants to see her bullies dead. You know, I think I’m supposed to feel bad for Rarity as this point… And I do… but not for the reason the story wants me to.

I feel bad that Rarity was put in this backward world in the first place.


But, since bullying apparently is a non-issue in this world, murder will probably be met with a slap on the hoof!

Her teacher had suspended the three of them on more than one occasion, but the last suspension was a month ago as Rarity had stopped telling her about it.

Does… Does the story not know what consistency is? So, she does have the power to suspend them? But she doesn’t have the power to expel them for the safety of the other students?! WHY?!

And for that matter, why doesn’t the teacher get the hint?! If the kids continue to bully another kid, even after suspension, the punishments should get more severe! Because obviously they're not learning that bad things are not good things to be doing!

And that if you do bad things, you will get punished for it! It has become clear to me that Teacher is obviously a bully herself! That is the only way I can see this even working! Teacher clearly wants to see Rarity suffer, and so do her parents, since Rarity mentions telling them as well. Yet, the father, who seemed to love Rarity with all his heart, has done nothing!

“B-But Daddy, they’re bullying me!”

“TEN ACROSS THE ASS!”

Fuck, why can’t they transfer her to another school?! If she is being victimized, the district of the school can give the student a chance to transfer to another school without being penalized!

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?! In this story, transferring to another school wouldn’t change shit! We have to force Rarity’s transformation somehow!


Rarity goes to her special spot, but her bullies find her.

Rarity whimpered and took a small step backwards. No, they can't be here! I'm safe here! They couldn't be here!

Oh, no! They couldn’t be in the place that’s literally 40 yards from the place where I keep getting tormented by them! How did they find it so quickly?!

I’m surprised they didn’t find it earlier! But like every other character in this story, they’re not very smart!

And then Rarity goes bat-shit crazy and kills all three of them… Yep… Just kills them… And you want to know what her reaction is to committing murder?

That’s right! It’s another fucking day in the park for her!

Now, admittedly she does say that she’s afraid of going to jail, but after she kills one of them. Clearly dead, by the way. He’s bleeding. He’s dead. He’s not getting back up… She violently attacks and brutally murders the other two!

…

Holy shit, where the fuck did this come from?! She starts talking to herself and starts thinking like the fucking Joker! About how much fun it is killing people, about how no one is going to find out… Fuck, she manages to drag three… THREE other kids into the Everfree Forest to bury them!

So, not only was she strong enough to lift and drag three kids to the Everfree Forest, however long the distance was, and dig a hole big enough to bury them in and drop them into the pit, and nopony… FUCKING NOPONY spotted them!


Not even her fucking parents, who are probably worried about her after she spent all her day being bullied! Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, the parents don’t give a shit! Rarity doesn’t give a shit, Teacher doesn’t give a shit! Why the hell should I give a shit?!


I know this is supposed to be a really tragic moment, but this scene is not justified! Nothing about this scene is earned! It’s just one forced, contrived moment after another, leading up to this completely forced and contrived moment! And I promise you, it doesn’t get any better!


Rarity goes home, cleans herself up. Again, to remind you, six year old here, and acts like nothing happened. My seven year old niece can’t even steal a cookie from a cookie jar without making it really obvious she’s lying! I don’t think that a six year old who committed murder is going to lie like a fucking mastermind!

We then cut to FIVE YEARS LATER!

Hey, nice beard ya got there, Critique.

Oh, my god! It really has been five years!

After Rarity just murdered three children, CHILDREN! FUCKING CHILDREN, GUY! Three children disappear and nobody asks any kind of questions. Not Teacher, not Cheerilee, not even the kid’s parents!

This is clearly the idea of someone who lived in a box for most of their life with nothing to entertain themselves, but the worst self-inserts of all time.

This might be a shock to you, story, and I know this is going to be hard to believe so I’m going to make this as clear as possible. Bullies have families! Bullies usually have someone who they live with! Especially that young an age. Are you telling me that none of them… NONE of them care that their children are missing?

We should be exploring the investigation and Rarity’s reaction to this. For this so called ‘character study’, we don’t seem to be exploring any kind of reaction Rarity has to the consequences of her actions. All we know is that she enjoys killing. Well, what happens when she meets the victim's family? What happens then? What happens when she learns how much pain she has caused them?

And you know what? This character study should be over! We know why Rarity kills! We saw that! We saw every step that happened in order to turn her into a cold-blooded killer! So the story is over, save for 150000 words of torment! There is literally no reason why this story continues after the first chapter! No reason, whatsoever!


But it does.

...Yes, yes. I know…. grumble, grumble….

So, it goes through how Rarity has gotten better at killing ponies and how skilled she is and how brilliant her mind is and how much better she is than you glorifying her to the point where all you want to do is take her favorite pet rock and turn her into an earth pony.

So, finally, we get a flashback to the funeral, I don’t know why we couldn’t start with that, but whatever, we’ll roll with it, as the story explains how the investigation went. And here’s some bullshit for you.

The funeral was held today for the three unfortunate foals found dead in the Everfree Forest last week. Investigators believe that they were playing there and were attacked by timberwolves. Authorities urge the residents of Ponyville to stay away from the forest so that we may avoid such tragedies in the future.

Wait… so, the authorities think that the Timberwolves smashed their heads in with a blunt object, and then buried one of them alive? What kind of investigators are these?! Did they just not bother to do their jobs?! Or is the South Park parody again?! I’m sorry, I know I’m supposed to take this ‘dark character study’ seriously, but everyone in this story is just so fucking stupid!

Really?! The authorities in this story believed that the three kids were killed by Timberwolves?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Are these ‘authorities’ the same ‘authorities’ that didn’t want to help Rarity when she was being bullied by the kids in the first place?! Because that would explain a fucking lot! No wonder Rarity turned into a mass murderer! I would too if I had to live in this bullshit of a world!


Oh, and we look into another serial killer while we’re at it. I guess, the story realized that Rarity wasn’t getting us anywhere so we needed another serial killer in the mix.

Rarity clicked her tongue and turned the page. There was no need to have a traceable M.O. The only thing that should matter to a good serial killer was body count.

Except most serial killers have a specific reason why they do it. Not just because they want to kill. They kill because it gives them something. Usually a sexual release. A surrogate for their anger or even the target of their anger. So, the only thing that matters to a serial killer is not how many bodies they accumulate! Serial killers aren’t thinking “Gee, how many bodies can I get today?!” It’s usually something a little deeper. Like “How can I kill my wife?” “How can I get some sleep?” “How can I feel better about myself?”

For this ‘character study’ to work, she needs to have a motivation beyond “Let’s kill people!”

So, Rarity goes downstairs to find out that she has a new sister on the way. Oh good, a new victim to add to the pile.

So, time passes and Rarity finds herself in the hospital waiting room when someone comes along to talk to her.

However, before she could engross herself in the magazine entirely, she heard the most unbecoming voice behind her. "Well howdy do there, miss. You here waitin' on someone?"

Oh, thank god! I needed some kind of character that was actually intelligent in this story! Please tell me, you’re from the future here to arrest Rarity for her crimes! Do it before the rest of the story is written!


And Rarity responds with…

Rarity decided to ignore that for now and she cleared her throat. "Well, considering I am in a hospital waiting room, I think one can reasonably think the answer is yes," she said a little more coldly than she intended, but the other pony didn't seem to notice.

… Well, up yours, bitch!

And, Applejack didn’t notice? Well, there goes my only hope for an intelligent character in this story! Fuck it, I’m making up names for these characters, because clearly these characters are so far gone, that that’s the only way I can take this more seriously!

Rarity - Murder Moxie

Applejack - Naive Nelly.

More to come as the story progresses.

So, Moxie tells Nelly that her mother will be delivering a new baby foal soon and when Moxie asks Nelly why she is at the hospital, Nelly explains… Oh, yeah, this should be good…

Immediately, all of the happiness and vigor left Applejack's face as her forced smile fell. "Well, mah Ma and Pa were just in a carriage accident. They were crossin' the street and somepony didn't secure their carriage right. It rolled down the hill where it was positioned and..." Applejack's lower jaw wobbled and a pair of tears streaked down her face. "It hit 'em both. It was about ta hit me, but mah pa pushed me outta the way before it did. It hit him, and Ma couldn't get outta the way fast enough either. The docs 'round here are doin' their best to patch 'em up."

You want to know why I showed you Moxie meeting Nelly? Hmm? Do you? Because look at this! Her parents were just hit by a carriage and are in critical condition and…

What does the story have Nelly acting like?

However, before she could engross herself in the magazine entirely, she heard the most unbecoming voice behind her. "Well howdy do there, miss. You here waitin' on someone?"

Let me rephrase that … Her parents… her family… her mother and father who love her very dearly and whom she loves back…. were just hit… attacked… assaulted… damaged… hurt… by a carriage and are in critical condition… meaning they might very well die… not make it… go before their time… sleep with the fishes… and…. WHAT DOES THE STORY HAVE NELLY ACT LIKE?!


Um… story… do you not know how people act? Have you never stepped foot outside your house? Have you never talked to another human being before? Because this clearly shows you haven’t! Why would Nelly be so composed about her parents being in the hospital that she would go and try to make a new friend instead of panicking, crying or being completely closed off?!

I know ‘Friendship is Magic’ and all that bullshit, but I think that Celestia will forgive you not making friends ONE DAY to mourn the loss of your parents! Oh, yeah, if you’re familiar with Nelly’s headcanon, you know her parents die. And … what is Moxie’s reaction to all this?

Before Applejack could respond, a doctor came through the door to the waiting room. "Which one of you is Rarity?" he asked, surveying the two ponies.

Rarity bolted up, eager to be away from this sad mess of a pony. "I am, sir!" She had said that perhaps a little too fast, but Applejack didn't notice.

Of fucking course it is!

Why the fuck would we want our character to be sympathetic to a character who’s never done anything to her?! Never will do anything to her?! Pours her soul into her grieving words?! And attempts to comfort herself by asking for help?!

...Wait, where are Big Macintosh and Granny Smith in all this? They’re his parents too, and at least one of them is Granny’s own child. You telling me they’re dying and she’s the only one who showed up?!

Doesn't matter anyway... The story doesn’t care where they are, why should we? Either way, this would be a fine moment in which it would give Rarity no redeemable qualities whatsoever. But… that’s not what fucking happens!


So, Moxie goes to see her new baby sister and wouldn’t you know it, the brain dead parents haven’t thought of a name for her and need Moxie to come up with one. Doh, will those parent’s ever do anything right? It’s like the author has something against them or something!

So, Sweetie Belle gets a name, which is more than most of the characters in this story, and Rarity decides to go out for a stroll. At night. By herself. Without her father. Or anypony. And the parents are okay with this… For a 12 year old… You know these really are the worst parents in history!

If I was Moxie, I’d file to be an orphan! I’d much rather have no parents at all than these waste of spaces! They act nothing like the loving, caring parents we saw in the first chapter! Nothing at all like them!


They only care for Moxie when the plot tells them to!

“Well, it’s six o’clock. Time to care. Maybe tomorrow at eight-thirty, we can remember what her name is.”

Official Headcanon accepted.

So, Moxie starts to think about killing Nelly because… she really doesn’t have any reason to do anything else… when Nelly tells Moxie about her little sister, Applebloom. And apparently this is reason enough for Moxie to not kill her… I’m not even kidding… Look at this…

Rarity let out a tiny gasp. You have to call this off, Rarity. Think of how Sweetie Belle would react to finding out she had a big sister who died before she was born! Apple Bloom deserves a sister if she can't have parents.

Yeah… because… that kind of logic stopped you from killing those kids… Those other kids that she’s apparently murdered… I’m sure those kids didn’t have families that you’ve hurt… You’ve only known Sweetie Belle for what… 12 seconds… so, obviously… that would compel you not to murder anyone else… the whole motive for this character is bullshit!


So, after not killing Nelly… which makes less sense the more I think about it… We cut to a few months later where everything is so cartoonishly perfect for Moxie, until someone from a representative from the Fillydelphia Valley Corporation to take a survey. Yeah… he’s asking the 12 year old girl to take a survey about customer service. … Um… you do know that a filly and a full-grown mare look very different right?

Whoa. One of them is kinda hot, in a “finally legal” way.

I know… shocking isn’t it?

So, Moxie decides that ‘Hey, I haven’t had any pointless killing in a while. Why don’t I start with this adult who probably has co-workers who would look for him, who is too heavy for me to carry to the Everfree Forest, and would cause authorities to go door to door, following the route he had and asking everyone if they had seen him?’

"Oh, Annie." Rarity inclined her head and bent one knee in a small curtsy. "My name is Annie."

Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

She’s been hit by… she’s been struck by… a smooth criminal.

Huff… really? Annie? Fucking Annie?! That should have screamed “I have no idea what pony names are?!” to the audience of this story!

Also, why would Moxie lie about her name? She ends up killing the dude, so telling a lie about her name is kind of pointless. There is no reason for her to lie to someone she is going to kill.

So, after stabbing … the salespony in a violent rage, she cleans it all up and nopony asks any questions. Fuck it, I don’t care. Let’s just move on…

So, three years pass and Moxie finally pays off the Carousel Boutique, at the age of fucking 15. Does time and space mean nothing to this fic? Who am I kidding? Just add to the list of things this fic doesn’t give a shit about!

And Moxie starts throwing a fit with … guess what.. curtains…

She saw that they were a garish mustard yellow color and shrank back with a tiny squeak. "I should kill whoever put these curtains up," she grumbled.

Ugh… You know… Serial killers usually have a reason for killing. It’s not about body count to them. They usually have a motive for killing people. The bullying thing… That was stupid and pretty damn cliche, but at least it was a reason. She killed them because they were belittling her and abusing power.

Okay, a clear solid motive. But what about the salespony? There was no reason for her to die. Moxie had literally no motive to kill her. And it certainly wasn’t consistent with what we saw in the past when she decided to murder the bullies. Nelly was not the consistency we’ve seen. Yes, Moxie didn’t kill her, but the thoughts were still there and still strong. The only reason she didn’t was because of Applebloom. Which again, makes no sense.

The motive of Moxie is all over the place. Being from saving Nelly from pain, to pleasure, to randomness, to payback.

Serial killers do not just randomly change their motives. Usually they have a good reason to if their motives change at all!

So, again the 15 year old Moxie moves into her new home. When the movers decide that they want a little extra money for a little extra work they did, Moxie says it's unfair, but the movers are insistent and say that they’ll sue her if she doesn’t pay.

I’m pretty sure she could just get a lawyer. If a merchant does services the customer did not ask for, just to make the bill bigger, that’s much more punishable by law than somepony not paying for something they didn’t want.

...not to mention, threatening a customer with a lawsuit? Really?

But of course, it makes much more sense to murder them in their sleep leaving a trail of bodies that will eventually lead to your capture and judgement! Tell me you wouldn’t do the same?

And so Moxie goes on her killing spree and goes off to behead the workers.

Honestly, it’s the same as the last two chapters. Somepony pisses off Moxie and Moxie goes to kill them. That’s it. It’s the exact same thing we’ve seen for the last two chapters! For this ‘character study’ that’s ‘Not Cupcakes’ we seem to be making a lot less character and a lot more cupcakes!

So, she murders the foreman and his wife and finds an infant Scootaloo. Moxie reacts to this with a …

:raritystarry: I’ll put the girl in a orphanage where Fluttershy will be the mother and she’ll be kidnapped by her father in a Fan Fic that will hopefully never be finished!

Our next chapter begins with the Mayor asking Moxie to be the one to set up the Summer Sun Celebration decorations. To which Moxie is overjoyed. The Mayor even gives her a fucking blank check for anything she needs. Fucking sign me up for that shit!

Abuse of Ponyville finances here I come!

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I dunno about you, Critique, but I’m gonna go buy a new house for my house.

Oh, the weapons of mass destructions I would buy. And the slaves. Can’t forget about the slaves.

And, as most of you can probably guess by now, the story finally moves to the first episode with Moxie meeting Twilight Sparkle for the first time. However, one thing I would like to point out is that MOXIE’S A FUCKING MURDERER! And she starts having murderous thoughts as Twilight interrupts her! Would you seriously see that in the show?! Or is Moxie just ‘so good’ that she can hide it extremely well?!

Yeah, she’s a bipolar as they come! Fine one minute! Jason Voorhees the next!

shu-shu-shu, hah-hah-hah…

Oh, and you really thought that Moxie was fucking petty when she murdered the salespony, take a look at this.

"Out of my hair? What about your hair?" said Rarity. This had to be fixed. If this pony wasn't open to Rarity's generous help, then Rarity supposed she had enough time to kill her and get rid of the body.

What the flying dutchman of a fuck is this?! Moxie is one step away from being a spree killer who goes out and just kills random people on the street! Twilight has to die because she didn’t want to inconvenience you! Why the fuck would Moxie kill her?! She literally has no motivation! In fact, that’s a lot of this story! It tries to give a character study, but won’t give the killer any motive for killing other ponies! And that’s the single most important fucking thing to any serial killer!

The story pretty much continues parallel to the episode with a CUPCAKE LIKE DUNGEON WITH A FUCK TON OF KNIVES! But just so we’re all clear, this isn’t Cupcakes.

Of course not. Cupcakes are delicious. This story makes me wanna puke.

The story doesn’t get much better when Nightmare Moon finally shows up and Moxie thinks she can take her. The only thing that would have made this fic good was if Moxie was thrown into the sun and replaced with an actual Rarity. You know, that character I love that the story forgot about.

And you can pretty much forget about the originality of this story because it’s basically just season 1 of the show, only Moxie is a murderer instead of an actual character with feelings and emotions other than ‘Kill all the poines’.

Maybe if Moxie had something that made her the least bit relatable, this ‘character study’ would have been more disturbed, but she’s certainly hard to take seriously when the story tries really, really hard to tell you she is disturbing rather than letting the character have a motive and lost sanity enough to actually show it.

Oh, yes there are added scenes, but they mostly consist of Moxie thinking about killing people, wanting to kill people, finding new ways to kill people, and wanting to find new people to be killed. It’s all her character has and I guess if you're going to be given a single personality trait, you might as well make the most of it.

So, yes, the main six go out to find Nightmare Moon and defeat her like they do in the show. Probably not a point in the stories favor when it reminds you that you could be doing something better with your time.

Like watching the show?

Or pulling your fingernails off with pair of pliers!

But… I don’t have any fingernails. You don’t have fingernails!

Don’t question my logic!

At the mention of the word 'generosity', a feeling awoke inside of Rarity that she couldn't explain. It was almost as if a spirit was lying dormant inside of her, something that was a very part of her soul.

Oh, fer…! It’s too late to get poetic now, story. You had your chance and blew it.

Oh, yes, and we get some attempts to show that Moxie could still hold the Element of Generosity by some mystical bullshit that doesn’t seem to take into account that Moxie is a murderous psychotic. I guess the Elements of Harmony are kind of lenient that way. That would explain why Tirek and Discord could use them, couldn’t it?! But I honestly think this would have been a better argument.

:raritystarry: Of course I’m the Element of Generosity. I am generously giving out free bullets from my gun! No thanks necessary!


I’m going to skip over most of it because unless you somehow forgot what My Little Pony is because you drove a drill into your head hoping that it would prevent you from reading the rest of this story, I don’t need to remind you of what happened in the first two episodes of the series.

And for those of you who are going to be dicks and ask ‘What happened in the first two episodes of the series?’ instead of doing the the more entertaining thing and watching the fucking thing, heroes be heroes, bad guy be beaten, happy ending. And there’s a rainbow. Dash!

Which of course brings me to my next point, the fucking Sea-Serpent scene. Seriously, I know you realized you fucked up story, when you decided to make Moxie a psychotic murderer with no compassion towards others and would slit their throats at the slightest inconveniences, but could you at least have it make sense why she decides to be all of the sudden little miss nice pony, with flowers and butterflies and shit!

I think you forgot she’s supposed to be SECRETLY evil. It’s right there in the title. Maybe she’s just pretending to be generous.

But she gets all these feelings about helping others and that confuses her! And even that doesn’t make any sense because it’s barely in the story! I guess the story could be using the episodes to try and justify it, but that’s pretty lazy writing.

This comes completely out of the fuck nowhere and certainly doesn’t help keep the consistent tone of the fucking thing by having her want to slice up Twilight in one scene and having her give up her tail the next.

She’s gotta be fucking bipolar at this point!

So, Moxie goes back home and … I think we get some character development, but… again, comes the fuck out of nowhere…

Rarity grabbed her skinning knife out of the air and rubbed a speck of blood off of it. "True. Slaughtering anypony who makes eye contact with me seems wrong, but what about protection? Twilight and the others are family to me now. I don't want to see them hurt."

Tell that to the salespony and the other bullies you’ve murdered. I don’t think that’s how character development works, story!


Kind of seeing where the inconsistency comes from.

And because the last chapter didn’t see Rarity killing anyone, our next chapter immediately starts with Moxie’s new protection plan. By randomly killing a mare whom we’ve never met and know nothing about.

And despite her saying that she going to kill her for justice, the mare says that she apologized for saying something that she didn’t mean. Freedom of speech, my ass!


And see how inconsistent Moxie is when the mare begs her to spare her for her three year old daughter, and then deciding to kill her anyway, even though she spared Applejack for a similar reason earlier.

Seriously, this story has 1200 likes guys. I’m not fucking with you.

However, a group of guards finally show up at Moxie’s door and arrest her for kidnapping and murder. It turns out that Nelly had seen her abduct that pony and had contact the authorities.

So, Moxie’s arrested right? Story over? Maybe that’s why it has 1200 likes! The story ended before it had a chance to get even stupider! … So… why are there still 21 chapters waiting to be read? … Oh… god…

I’m going to spoil this incredibly, incredibly long sequence of a trail and other nonsense…

It’s a dream, right?

It was all…

Sounds like it was a dream.

say it with me…

A dream?

… A dream! Do you want your prize?

Yes, the last 4000 words of this story have been nothing but a large dream sequence. Yes, the story just went that cliche route. And … this story has 1200 likes… Sorry, I’ll stop mentioning it. I just can’t get my head around it. So, it’s just another cut and slash scene that we saw earlier. I guess it was to make Rarity not seem like the bad guy in her dream by killing a pony who hadn’t done anything, even though that’s exactly what she’s done in the past.

You know, if this story had focused on its character as it did its blood fetish, maybe we’d have an interesting story here. There’s not much else to say about this story since it’s a repeat of every single chapter in this story so far. So, I’m pretty much going to skim the rest of it.

So, she kills Gilda, which might piss off a few bronies now a days. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it? Trixie, again, I don’t think Sethisto would approve of that.

Oh, trust me Critique, Sethisto doesn’t approve of anything these days. (glares at EqD rejection notices for Pie Am Bread and No More Ponies)

And like I said, it is pretty much a tour of the first Season of MLP where Rarity kills all the characters that the author doesn’t like while partaking in gore fetish. I know the author claimed that it wasn’t a story about slicing and dicing ponies, but that’s pretty much all she does.

The only real thing to note here is that she has a moment where Sweetie Belle has a problem with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. And Moxie tries to convince Sweetie Belle that she’s not dangerous, but aside from that, very little has actually happened in this story. Moxie just takes ponies to her basement and pointlessly kills them in the longest, slowest, and most boring ways possible.

It’s like if Cupcakes was stretched out far beyond what it needed to be. We hardly ever get a break from all the slicing and dicing. I don’t mind gore in a fic, but could we try to balance it out with something else, like some actual character development?!


But speaking of things finally happening, Sweetie Belle unwittingly stumbles upon her secret basement.

Now, let me repeat that. A 10 year old girl… is able to find the secret murdering ground of a killer… who has been killing for more than 15 years. Ooooh, and you want to know the best part about this scene… trust me, you’ll be so blown away from this… After she opens the door…

Moxie wakes up!

That’s right, it was all a dream, AGAIN!

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… Okay. Listen. Because I’m only going to say this once, and I hope I’ll never have to say this again. All you people who gave this story more than a thousand likes, who fed this author’s monstrous ego, and who ballooned his reader count? This. This is all your fault. The story was completely dishonest about its intentions right from the start, and you loved it. The story was amateurishly written right from the start, and you loved it. The story was just rehashing scenes from the series it is based on, and you loved it. The story destroys Rarity as an interesting character as an excuse to have a pointless “character study,” and you loved it.

And now, this. He not only used the Just A Dream cliche… he used it fucking TWICE.

And. You. Loved it.

Get that out of your system?

But, it turns out that waking up from a dream was totally pointless as Sweetie Belle finds out anyway. So… whatever… I should be fuming with anger… but… I can’t… This is too beautiful… I am watching new stupid that I have never seen before. A stupid that is… so stupid, that it managed to fool everyone into saying more than it actually was. It’s not your fault. It’s this story. It thinks it's so smart and so clever and is so confident in how smart and clever it thinks it is that it actually has you guys thinking that it’s smart and clever without actually being smart and clever.

This… is an amazing stupid. A stupid that I can barely comprehend. … It’s actually kind of spectacular to read. I am reading the stupidest, most pretentious, and most arrogant story I have ever read in my entire life. Even Mykan couldn’t get as arrogant as this.

...You’re welcome?

*Gets on his knees in front of Fife* Thank you! Thank you for this wonderfully awful fic that I can mercilessly pummel!

But I didn’t write it.

And yet, I will send you the psychology bills.

So, rather than being, oh, I don’t know, freaked out by this, Sweetie Belle is rather interested in how her sister became a serial killer and wants to start doing it herself. It’s like fashion only less relatable.

But Moxie doesn’t want to show her how to commit an act of murder and she does this by showing her exactly how she would kill Diamond Tiara. Wait, what?

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And then, Moxie says that she hopes that Sweetie Belle, whom I am now calling the Sister because fuck you, forgets that she has a basement full of bodies. Yeah, that’d be something I’d dub as unimportant too.

Right up there with unpaid taxes and that nagging pain in your lungs.

So, the next day, Sister wants to be shown how to kill, Moxie does so, kidnapping a mare and here’s where it gets funny. Moxie kidnaps a mare, whose little sister, Sister goes to school with, who talks about how great her older sister is, and is pretty much the exact same god-damn fucking thing as Moxie and Sister and yet… nothing. Nothing happens. They just move onto the kill without anything.

Granted, Sister tries to tell her not to kill her, but the conversation goes.

Sister: Don’t kill her.

Moxie: No.

Sister: Okay.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ESTABLISHED

So, after Sister kills the mare that Moxie was going to kill anyway, Moxie decides that “maybe I don’t want my sister to experience the joy of cold steel cutting through warm flesh.” Yeah… Sister kills the mare… I would say I’m shocked at this point… but… nothing this story throws would surprise me now… I know I can’t take it back, but I’ll say it.

And then… guys, I’m not going to lie… this is where things got from really dark to really silly. I’m not even kidding… I’m trying not to laugh.

Moxie gets a memory spell from Twilight so that she can erase Sister’s memory of what she did. And when Moxie tries to cast the spell on her, they… have a Benny Hill chase?

Seriously, listen to this music while reading it, it actually fits quite well.

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Rarity fired up her horn. If she did it right, Sweetie Belle would forget about this whole thing and simply wake up believing that she had fallen asleep on the floor.

Sweetie Belle squealed when she heard Rarity's horn fire up, and she quickly rolled out of the way. Rarity's spell hit the floor where her sister's head had been seconds before.

"No! Please don't kill me!" Sweetie Belle wailed as she backed away. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt her so bad! I won't tell anypony; just don't kill me!"

"No, Sweetie Belle: I'm trying to save you!" Rarity insisted. She fired off another memory spell which Sweetie Belle easily dodged.

"I don't believe you! You're going to leave my dead body in the Everfree Forest for the timber wolves to rip to shreds!"

"I would never do that, Sweetie Belle!" said Rarity, firing off another memory spell.

Sweetie Belle was slower to react to this one, and the spell hit her in the ear, knocking her backwards. Sweetie Belle quickly recovered. "You killed that mare in the basement! I saw you stab her in the leg and I'm going to tell everypony I see!" Sweetie Belle turned tail and began running towards the door.

"Sweetie Belle, you Pinkie Promised me that you wouldn't tell anypony about what I do in my basement!" Rarity cried.

Sweetie Belle stopped dead in her tracks and looked confusedly at Rarity. "Uh, no I didn't. The last Pinkie Promise I made to you was to clean my room by the time you got home from Twilight's. That was last month."

Rarity rushed over to her door and blocked Sweetie Belle's path. "Sweetie Belle, don't you remember? You Pinkie Promised that you wouldn't tell anypony about big sister being a serial killer!"

Sweetie Belle frowned, thinking over Rarity's words for a moment before shaking her head. "I think I would remember making a Pinkie Promise like that."

"Sweetie Belle! You..." It hit Rarity at that moment and she facehooved. "Oh for Pete's sake."

Sweetie Belle ran towards the back door and Rarity moved to intercept her. She didn't dare try another memory spell right now as she was not sure what the outcome would be. She quickly levitated her saddlebag over to her and took out a syringe that she stuck into Sweetie Belle's neck.

As a guy who loves himself some Mood Whiplash, I must state that such a thing requires good timing to work. This scene is presenting itself as intense, only for a lame joke to poke its head in, say something stupid, then leave. Like I keep thinking, this story would have worked better if the author had tried selling its premise as a black comedy instead of a… rather… dubious “character study.”

And then, just to add to the silliness of it all, Twilight Sparkle, after using a machine that can look into people’s dreams and memories…

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She learns the truth about what Moxie had done and breaks down about and agrees to let Moxie wipe her memory.

That’s right! Their friendship is so strong and so powerful and so wonderful that not even when one of them turns into a heartless, soulless murderer would they dare turn on each other! Even though they have turned on each other and bickered over less, but it’s good to know that if one of them does go ‘Cupcakes’ on them, at least they got each others back.

… This… this really is a satire, isn’t it? This has to be! There is no way this could be anything less! The problem is that it isn’t very funny and isn’t very clear what it’s satirizing. Is it satirizing Moxie that during the episodes you’d think that she’s the dainty flower when really she’s this psychopath? It plays itself too straight to do that. It plays out like this could actually happen and that we shouldn’t let it happen!

And the author tries to be philosophical in an author’s note with this line.


In her own, perverse way, Twilight was being merciful by letting Rarity alter her memories, was she not?

Or being an accessory to murder. That works too.

Because, hey, the lavender goes great with the blood red.

Jesus, I need a break from this shit...

We'll continue with this crap next week! God damnit!

***

NEXT WEEK! THE THRILLING CONCLUSION! OF THE REVIEW OF THE SECRET LIFE OF RARITY! BECAUSE ONE OF US HAS TO BE THRILLING AND IT WON'T BE THE STORY!

Secret Life of Rarity Part 2 (Guest Reviewer Brony Fife)

Okay, god… that was a pleasant break from that. So, where were we?

In our last episode, Rarity wasn’t Rarity and everypony was an idiot. Death happened, and death happened, and then death happened some more. The author simply copypasted the show into the fic, then used a tired cliche twice. And then death happened again and Twilight forgot about it.

… Oh, yeah… this shit again. Last time Moxie kidnapped and murdered Rarity and replaced her. And the main six are too stupid to figure out it’s not Rarity. She kills some ponies and when Twilight figures out she decides to wipe out her own memory so Moxie doesn’t get in trouble. This isn’t like her stealing cookies, Twilight! It’s fucking murder!

Ew! Murder? Who’d wanna fuck her?

So apparently the memory spell causes Twilight to lose all her memories… because this story hadn’t had a plot yet, so we have to rush one in, and Moxie goes about the moral choices of her restoring Twilight’s memory or having her keep her secrets… Now, to the story’s credit this is one of the more interesting aspects of the scenario.

...Why?

The setup is nice. The dilemma is one that was unexpected and it conflicts with Moxie’s desire to protect her friends when really that’s not what she is doing by keeping Twilight’s memories from her.

… So, how does the story fuck it up? Oh, just wait. Just wait. It is so genius how this story solves this really, REALLY HUGE problem, I actually pissed myself!

I was wondering what that smell was.

Well, Moxie can go clear her head better by massacring an army of diamond dogs. I call bullshit! If not even Starfleet Magic can defeat an army of Diamond Dogs, what chance does Moxie?


Oh, wait… she did defeat them in that…

In that fight scene, with the katana and the flips and the spins and the cuts and all these other things that were in no way foreshadowed or hinted at would happen, which utterly destroys any credibility for the author? Yup. You’re reading this correctly.

Seriously, in this deep psychological story that supposed to be grounded in realism, we have a Matrix style fight scene between Moxie and the diamond dogs. Just replace Moxie with Neo and Agent Smith with the dogs and that’s pretty much it.

Youtube Video

Pfff… You know… when you give into the madness… this story is actually beautifully bad. This is even better when you remember that really, really BIG problem that Moxie had with Twilight’s memory spell. Well, it turns out that while Moxie is in the hospital after her battle with the diamond dogs, a doctor begins to notice that Twilight is affected by a memory spell as she starts to lose more of her memory.

So, the doctors… I repeat… the doctors fix her up!


So, Moxie gets away with it, again! This was supposed to be the defining moment of her character in this ‘character study’. The moment where she realized that what she was doing by destroying her friend was wrong, even if it meant losing her secret and living up to all the horrible things she had done. While if this was a random stranger, it wouldn’t have bothered me.

But this is Twilight, the friend who she decided not to kill when she got into town because of the strong bond they have. The friend who she trusted enough to go to when things got bad with Sister.

I should be angry, I should be yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs with how much this bugs me. But… I can’t… I’ve lost… I’ve lost all ability to care. There is nothing… nothing that this story can do… to make me.

Read it to the end. It’ll make you. Trust me.

I’m not sure whether to be extremely afraid or extremely excited.

And with Twilight’s memories restored and the initial shock of her best friend committing murder over, what does she do?

She takes her down to her basement and shows her how everypony must have felt by threatening her with a knife.

Instead of going to the police or calling her Captain of the Royal Guard brother. Celestia’s top student, everypony.

You know what… whatever.

And then Twilight gets Luna involved… I wished I could say this makes a difference, but it clearly doesn’t since the very next chapter sees Moxie killing the Flim-Flam brothers, so… waste of our time.

More insultingly, Luna is somehow sympathetic to Moxie since Luna was once Nightmare Moon. They seem to overlook the fact that Nightmare Moon was some dark force that took advantage of Luna’s insecurities, and that Moxie is sociopathic and kills to satisfy a sinister need. But, what do I know? Close enough, right?

Yeah, Luna’s pretty chill about serial killers in her kingdom and pretty cool about keeping a secret from Celestia about a dangerous murderer who kills ponies for fun. She’s kind of a fucking idiot that way.

You fucking should be.

They decided that the Elements of Harmony are the only way to cure Moxie. Sure, makes fucking sense to me. And then we get … this scene with the guards…

"We cannot do that, Princess Luna," said the leader. "Princess Celestia herself has ordered that nopony can gain access into this hallway without her personal authority."

Luna glared at them. "Is Our authority not enough? Is it not enough that We have brought the wielders of the Elements of Harmony with Us? Our cause is just and you cannot stop our entry into this hallway!"

The guards stood fast, but there was a hint of unease behind their expressions. The leader shifted uncomfortably, but stood his ground. "You wouldn't dare attack us. Celestia would banish you to the moon again if you did that."

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Fuck it… I don’t even care anymore… I’m just going to wrap this story up as quickly as I can and … maybe… fucking maybe… I’ll be able to leave… with enough of my sanity in tact… to make it through the rest of my life…

After they heal Moxie, because I guess the Elements of Harmony can just do that,  the evil Princess Celestia, who clearly does not listen to anyone, comes and tries to stop our heroes from saving a dangerous murderer who is only going to kill again later.

But the good, pure, honest, good, heavenly blessed Luna protects Moxie and everything is fine.

Moxie goes home, is no longer a serial killer and a hundred ponies are dead. Remember kids, if you do become a serial killer with serious mental issues, don’t go to a trained professional or authorities to help you, just rely on the magic of friendship and maybe one day, they’ll sprinkle some magic dust on you to make your murderous impulses go away.

And that was the Secret Life of Rarity… I hope you enjoyed it because…

That’s not the ending. There’s like… ten more chapters to go.

GOD FUCKING DA-!


So, yeah, as every single one of you already know, Moxie gets her murderous impulse back ONE CHAPTER LATER and murders the Flim Flam brothers. This would be surprising if it was in the very least surprising.

There’s a part in this scene where Rarity cuts off Flam’s face and makes Flim wear it. There is no buildup to it, and no real milking of the terror such an action would possess. It’s just, “Rarity gets an idea, it happens, BOO! Scary.”

Seriously. Just letting Flim see that his brother’s face is gone while feeling something slimy covering his face, with Rarity walking out the door with a cruel smirk on her face, would be enough of an implication for the audience to work with. Terror often comes from implications, because the author is letting their readers’ imagination do their work for them, using tools that make whatever it is even scarier than whatever the author himself could come up with.

I dislike this scene not because it’s gruesome, I dislike it because its execution is sloppy, and it ignores just how sloppy its execution is. It’s cheap, bottom-of-the-barrel darkfic shock shlock.

But anyway... PROCEED.

Our next chapter sees Moxie going through another innocent bystanders caught in her cross fire. Oh and I’m not kidding. She kidnaps a filly and a mother, believing that the mother is abusive, even though there is no evidence that she is, and butchers them both. … What was that line from earlier in this extremely well developed character study?

About how it’s not Cupcakes with Rarity even though it’s Cupcakes with Rarity denying that it is obviously Cupcakes with Rarity?

Rarity grabbed her skinning knife out of the air and rubbed a speck of blood off of it. "True. Slaughtering anypony who makes eye contact with me seems wrong, but what about protection? Twilight and the others are family to me now. I don't want to see them hurt."

Okay, what is the purpose of killing this mare and filly? To make us feel bad for Moxie? To show that Moxie is devolving? To show that Twilight is still as clueless as ever in Moxie’s behavior when clearly she should be keeping a close watch on her as opposed to leaving her roaming, despite the Elements of Harmony bullshit?

Because it’s Cupcakes with Rarity.

But remember “It’s not Cupcakes”.

After Moxie kills the mare and filly, she goes over to Twilight’s house to explain that the murderous impulses are back. Twilight, instead of going to Celestia because as we’ve established Celestia is evil, tells Moxie that she knows that she would change everything in an instant.

Except… this holds no water for us because we, as the audience, know the truth. We know she’s not going to change. We know she’s not going to make a difference and we know she doesn’t regret any of the action she took. So, how is this supposed to convince us that she is? Is it supposed to be ironic that Moxie wouldn’t change, but Twilight is too caught up in her friendship to notice? But of course, that would assume a later scene doesn’t happen. Oh, believe me, I’ll come back to that.

So, the story pretends to be a psychological study by throwing in a psychologist.

That’s like if it decided to be a comedy by throwing in a clown. (honks clown horn)

Ah! Clown! *Hides behind the couch.* … Sorry… I don’t like clowns...

I think you need a bit more than that to call this a psychological study! But even that gets shot in the balls as Moxie murders the psychologist. Seen it. And at this point, the gory murder scenes have become boring. Repetition equals boring!

The gory violence is just kind of juvenile at this point. Doing it for the sake of doing it rather than spacing it out. The gore in this story is more of a rule rather than an exception and it loses its shock rather quickly.

So, the story takes the piss out of itself by making this ‘character study’ simply put… Moxie does it because she enjoys it.

We read through twenty chapters for THIS?

Yeah, we pretty much established that by chapter 2, I think, but whatever. The story is almost over.

I’m skipping over a lot of this, because it’d basically be me ranting about how none of it matches up with anything we’ve seen as Moxie begins to unravel. We then get to the chapter of ‘Putting Your Hoof Down’. Most of this chapter is actually the entire fucking episode copy and pasted onto the fucking page! How does this story get away with that?! It’s pretty much the same thing we’ve seen in every single chapter up to this point. Skipping…

Our next chapter sees Moxie going after Iron Will. However, as she stabs Iron Will, which is all she’s been doing this whole fucking thing, a couple of mares see the murder and call the royal guard. Moxie is able to evade them, but realizes she has to leave Canterlot. Only 26 chapters to get to this point people! Was it worth it?

She rushes back home, where she finds that the royal guard are waiting for her since one of the witnesses recognized her and she is captured. As the guards ransack the place, Sister discovers Moxie’s dungeon and the guards take her to Canterlot to stand trial. Finally, this story is wrapping up!

The guards arrest the main six for conspiracy charges and drag them to trial as well. You know, it’s a sad day when I am fucking cheering for the guards of Canterlot versus the main fucking six!

Rarity wondered if she should say something, but what would she say? She had just gotten her best friends and her sister arrested for crimes that she herself had committed. They were all innocent in this.

uhhhhhhh

accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder accessory to murder

You okay?

I am, but this story is not. The Mane Six aren’t innocent in this, period. They deliberately protected a serial killer. They purposefully hid her from the law. They would be tried for this shit, found guilty, and locked up possibly FOR LIFE.

But who gives a fuck at this point?!

So, the evil, maniacal Celestia dares to arrest the main six for conspiring to protecting a known murderer who is responsible for the deaths of several ponies and has shown no remorse in her actions.

I dunno, man, wasn’t Moxie, like their friend or someth -

FUCK YOU! That is no fucking excuse!

While I think at this point the story is supposed to see Celestia as evil, she’s the only one who is making any kind of god-damn sense. She is upset that the main six kept this from her, she is upset that Luna kept this from her and used to Elements without consulting her. Thus far, out of 26 chapters, Celestia is the only character I can sympathize with because she is the only one who is making any kind of logical choices!

But again, I think Celestia is supposed to be the bad guy here! Why?! Did this story really need one?! Isn’t Moxie the designated villain? Or are we supposed to feel sorry for the psychotic murderer who would kill you at the drop of a hat?!

But of course, even Celestia finds a way to fuck up as she releases all, but Twilight, from conspiracy charges! CELESTIA! YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE FUCKING JOB! AND YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT!

Oh and just to add to the bullshit, we get brief, a very brief scene in which Scootaloo discovers how she is an orphan. You may not remember, believe me, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to, but Moxie was the cause of Scootaloo’s parent’s death.

“Scootaloo… I killed your parents.”

“FIVE ACROSS THE ASS!”

Yeah, that’s one way to tie up a loose end… I guess. Except for the fact, that it fucking doesn’t affect the story! There is no reason why Scootaloo should have been involved with Moxie’s murder spree. It’s just throwing it in because it’s a popular headcanon without establishing any rhyme or reason behind it. If you like Scootaloo as an orphan, fine. But give it a fucking point! Wouldn’t it have been interesting to see Moxie learn what kind of difficulties Scootaloo had to go through living in a foster home? With Moxie wondering if what she was doing was really worth hurting ponies that she hadn’t killed? Ones who she would learn to become close to? Wouldn’t it have been interesting to have Moxie talk to Scootaloo? Learn about how much she misses her mother and father and she wish she had gotten to know them better with Moxie having some kind of reaction?

But no! We get ‘Slice and Dice’ for the sake of satisfying gore fetishes.

So, the day is saved…. Mostly… The main six are dismissed without charge… even though they should be, but whatever… Twilight is merely banished from Ponyville so we can have a weak reason to have a sequel. (No, I will not be reviewing that!) And Moxie is finally executed for the crimes that she committed, ending this horrible character study as well as this horrible story!

I mean… holy shit! Fife… would you mind explaining why this fic fails on the levels that it does?!

This story is quite the laundry list of utterly incompetent storytelling. It has everything a story could possibly suffer from: repetitive scenes to the point of needlessness and blandness, superficial and one-dimensional presentation, characters acting unrealistically and in many cases directly opposite their own character, scenes that have no set-up and no impact on the plot, shallow characterization and shallower writing style, it takes too damn long for anything important to happen, it commits borderline plagiarism by reprinting events from the show it’s based on, it is pretentious and humorless, any jokes it attempts are just as hamfisted and unentertaining as the violence, the plot is practically swiss cheese, and that’s not even mentioning the worst element.

The worst element of this fic is simply the persistent dishonesty. It is dishonest about its intentions, and dishonest about the extent of its shock contents. It is totally dishonest with itself and its readers. It talks a big game about character studies and psychoanalysis, but absolutely none of these scenes imply anything about Rarity’s character outside of being a cartoonish parody of serial killers.

Hell, it’s not really even a character study about Rarity herself. If that were true, it would have deconstructed Rarity’s canon persona, how it would genuinely work in the real world, how it alienate others and isolate herself, how it would benefit others, how she would impact the world around her. Instead, it’s just some adolescent revenge fantasy pretending to be the author’s favorite character. It just amps up the dishonesty to unbelievable levels.

There is little evidence of any talent or effort put into the fic, and the only evidence in fact is that it’s several hundred words long. But it’s a story you can summarize in two words.

IT SUCKS.

***

“Well, that was horrible enough for me,” Critique moaned as he sat on a leather seat that was there only because I say so. It groaned the same way leather always groans under anypony’s weight.

“Oh, come now. Was it really that bad?” Fife sneaked over to Critique’s chair, popping his head around from the left side. Critique shot him a glare. Fife rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay, yeah, it was.”

Critique leaped off the chair, trotting away from the tree of hanging headless things. “Yeah, next time, let’s not review the piece of shit and save me the trouble of having to put up with you.”

Fife gave a wide smile. “Look on the bright side. At least you aren’t dead yet.”

A booming crash came from the basement (that is also only there because I say so) as Equestrylvania burst through the floor, shrapnel scattering in all directions as the glowing unicorn hovered above the two stallions with a sinister smile, her red eyes piercing Critique, her hair a disordered mess of random strands sticking out of the locks. “Heeeeeeere’s Vania!” she howled with a wide grin on her face.

Fife facehoofed. “Dammit, I told you not to eat the Cheerios. You know how they make your powers all kooky-kabuki.”

Critique’s scream filled the air. With speed that defied logic, Critique’s legs took over his body, carrying him through the garden and into a grand ballroom. Past the piano and stage he ran, till he came upon a door with snakes engraved upon it.

The door refused to budge. Placing his forelegs tightly around the knob and his hind legs against the door frame, he pulled. Beads of sweat run down his forearms as his muscles bulged out. His teeth rubbed against one another with a struggling sound escaping from them.

Critique was tired. The door was a door.

With all his strength and all his power, he pulled at the door knob, knowing that his fate rests with his ability to open the door before him.

“It’s a push door, genius.”

He turned around to see Equestrylvania, her head tilted and her eyes squinting with hatred. Her black wings fluttered dangerously as her blood red aura rolled off her in clouds.

Critique placed himself back on the floor and pushed against the door with one hoof. The door creaked open, effortlessly.

He scoffed. “Pfft, like I need your help!”

Critique ran through the door. Then under the door. And over the door. And then into the door, getting sent back to his haunches with a splat.

“I hate magic…” Critique moaned, his scrunched nose distorting his voice.

Equestrylvania chuckled. “You know, you are mildly entertaining… when you aren’t busy trying to be something you’re not.”

Critique glanced around him frantically- like a foal first born from it’s mother womb, exploring the world for the first time- in a desperate search for anything he could use to save himself. Nothing was near the wooden barrier that now served as his only means of escape. All he had was his glasses, his scarf and...  

He looked down to his scarf, realizing that the rose he picked up from earlier was still there. He quickly picked the rose from his scarf and swung around, holding out the rose in front of Equestralyvania.

Suddenly, Equestrylvania’s eyes turned from their red glow to a gentle golden hue. Her mouth dropped almost instantly. A single hoof approached her chest, with a near-chuckle. A smile slowly appeared on her face. “C-Critique… I…”

Her speech broke off into sections. A pink glow began to radiate from her cheeks as she picked out the rose from Critique’s hoof. “I had not assumed you were so … well…” A giggle escaped her lips. “Thoughtful.”

She brought the rose to her nostrils and inhaled its sweet scent. “I’ve never been given a rose before.” A flush of embarrassment and, yet… something else appeared on her face. She turned her head slightly away, but the smile stayed. “You know, I may have… I had you all wrong.”

Critique stood, his flank at the door, his mouth agape and his eyebrow raised. Finally, he gave a smile. “Oh, that stupid thing? Yeah, I just found it in your garden.”

Silence conquered the room as Equestrylvania’s eyes widened. Her head turned slowly towards him, her smile flattening into straightened lips. “What?”

With a nod, the Critique spoke. “Oh, yeah. I picked it up on my way in. Thought if I was going to make the trip here I might as well make it worth it.” The words he spoke echoed in his own ears and mind, causing his heart to sink. Something shattered silently. He wasn’t sure if it was real or not, but he swore it came from inside Equestrylvania’s breast. His head slouched down, his eyes glancing off to the void, as if some unseen entity was watching. “Well, that kinda backfired.”

Each and every word, caused Equestrylvania’s hoof to grip tighter around the rose. Petals fled the bud of the flower as it blackened and wilted. Her face intensified. Sharpened teeth presented themselves like wolf to a lone foal, ready for its meal. The rose burst into ashes as her eyes returned to their blood red glow.

With a flick of her horn, a beam of energy merged from it, soaring straight at the Critique. He threw himself to the floor, his mane singed by the beam. The door behind him was crushed by the force of the beam, flowering forward then bursting into wood chip confetti.

Critique rose to his hooves and darted into the next room, which was a train car. The next one was under the ocean. There were many mysteries and many more puzzles beyond this point in the chase, but not enough time for us to discuss them. All you really need to know is that, somehow or another, Critique made it to the front door.

This place makes no fucking sense, he thought throughout the ordeal. A knife soared past him, digging itself deeply into the front door beyond him.

With a high pitched scream that rivaled Rarity’s, he made a mad dash for the door. Like a kamikaze pilot, he smashed his lanky body against the wooden obstacle. But the door refused to move. He pulled on the knob. But the door refused to move. Well, it was worth a try.

The only thing his mind conjured was to embrace his earth pony heritage and buck the door down, hard. Hard and with all the force he could muster.

Summoning all the strength an earth pony could muster, Critique bent his hind legs towards his body. Then, like a ballista releasing the power of a mighty bolt, his hind hooves hurled at the harty hurdle that halted his escape.

The buck was a buck that would have causing the true buckers to laugh him out of bucking school. The only thing his attempts accomplished was sending a burning shock throughout his entire body. Tears of pain slithered down his face as he withered to the ground.

“You are every bit as weak and phony as I thought,” Equestrylvania screeched. She stomped into the foundation, causing large cracks around where her hoof hit. “A worthless, piece of filth. All you do is bully others and make them feel horrible about the tiniest, little mistakes that they make! The tiniest mistakes that nopony else with any sense whatsoever would think twice about!

“Well, I’ve got news for you, Critique! You want to know why you can’t get anything published?! It’s because for all your talk of ‘Show, don’t tell’ and ‘correct grammar’, you don’t know anything about storytelling!”

Critique took a step back, his flank hitting the door. Glancing around for anything useful, he silently begged for Fife to have left a gun or a katana or a cream pie or something near the front door.

“Oh, and those stories you keep reviewing? I know why you pick on the less popular ones. Why you’re afraid to tackle the big ones? It’s because you feel powerless against them. You are powerless against the hundreds of fans those stories have and you fear retaliation.”

Equestrylvania leaned into Critique’s ear as he cowered to the door, pulling back to it as far as he could.

“It makes you feel good to attack somepony less popular than you. One that doesn’t have a large fan base to defend them. It makes you feel powerful to belittle them, doesn’t it?”

Critique glanced around him, beads of sweat pouring down his face.

Equestrylvania’s lips curled into a smile. Sharks’ teeth sparkled as they surfaced. “On the whole, I’m doing Equestria a favor.” Her horn began to glow as she closed in on Critique. He could feel her ice cold breath as it rolled on his face, and he could taste the sudden stench of death. He closed his eyes and turned away, begging for it to not hurt.

“EQUESTRYLVANIA!” Fife shouted. His voice had the air of a father’s authority and the volume of an explosion, and it cut into this sordid scene like a sword swing. Equestrylvania flinched at the sound, suddenly crumpling as Fife looked down at them from the ceiling. The red glow of Equestrylvania’s horn dissipated as Fife dropped from the ceiling to the floor.

“Let him go.”

Critique looked from Fife to Equestrylvania, gulping. Equestrylvania let out a scoff. “But Daddy, he deserves it!”

Fife shook his head and smiled. “That’s his author’s decision, not yours. It is not his time.”

Equestrylvania turned to Fife, looking up at him with shimmering gold eyes. It was almost disturbing how quickly she went from a killing machine to a whiny teenager. “Daddyyyy! Come on! I wouldn’t be hurting anypony important. He’s a failed writer who cares about nopony but himself!”

Fife lifted his creation’s chin up with one hoof. “I wouldn’t say he’s a failure. I suppose in this day and age of instantaneous gratification, an instant smash success is seen as a good thing. But the thing is, instant successes are the deadliest things to happen to an artist.

“One the one hoof, an instant success can balloon a writer’s ego to dangerous proportions that might damage his credibility. Do you think E.L. James is going to write anything after those Shades of Grey books? And whatever happened to Stephanie Meyer after she finished her Twilight series?”

Equestrylvania looked away, pursing her lips in thought.

“But on the other hoof, instant success can damage an author in other ways. Peter S. Beagle is never going to write another book even half as successful as The Last Unicorn, even if he tried. J. D. Salinger was discouraged by all the attention he got over Catcher in the Rye, and his output dwindled throughout the rest of his life.”

Equestrylvania cast her eyes down and sighed. Fife brushed a lock of hair from her face drawing her attention back to him.

“Producing a great work of art is the most important task of any artist. A work that slowly but surely grows more and more known is a work that will last through the ages.” He smiled.

Equestrylvania hugged Fife and smiled. “Thanks, Dad.” The two embraced each other. Silence overtook the whole room as the continued to hug. “Now, can I kill him?”

Fife’s joyous expression turned to a scowl. “Young lady, go to your room!”

Equestrylvania’s mouth dropped open. “Daddy, please! Just let me kill him!”

Fife pointed upstairs. “Room,” he commanded with a firm, booming voice.

Grumbling under her breath, Equestrylvania stomped up to her room. “You’re the worst Dad ever!” The slamming of a door echoed throughout the entire house.

Fife smiled and turned to Critique. “She’ll be fine. She gets a bit moody around this time of month.”


Critique scoffed. “Oh, really? I couldn’t tell.”

“You know… you and I have a lot in common,” Fife began.

Critique rolled his eyes and smiled. “Yeah, right. First off, I don’t live with psychos!”

Fife narrowed his brow. “Computer.”

A moment passed before Critique decided to open his mouth again. “Okay, point you.”

“You and I are both passionate about what we do. We both seek to better ourselves in all that we do. We both seek the success and joy of being a writer. And while one of us is closer than the other-”

“Wow, you just really love rubbing salt in that wound, don’t you?!” Critique interrupted.

“While one of us is closer than the other, we still keep going in the hopes that we will achieve something in our lives. Maybe it’s pointless. Maybe it’s all hopeless in the end. But how will we ever know, should we give up?

“We both work for something greater than ourselves. As critics, as writers, as ponies. And while it’s often an uphill slope, we persevere. Despite the failings that we may encounter, we realize that if we give into those failings, we will never find our potential.”

Fife’s words, however wise, echoed into silence, sinking deep into Critique’s brain. He looked up to Fife. Fife turned up to him and smiled. “Or maybe I was thinking of somepony else…”

Critique’s scowl retook his face. “Asshole.”

Fife let out a chuckle. “We’ll have to do this again sometime!”

“Not if I can help it!”

“Oh, before I forget,” Fife reached from under his wings to reveal a small brown bag. With his hoof stretched out, Fife gave a cheer. “The crumpets I promised.”

Without a word, Critique swiped the crumpets from Fife’s hooves and rushed out the doorway.

***

Critique made his way back to the library after his long trek. It was the last time he wanted to be anywhere near that mansion or those psychos. Well, at least, I got free crumpets out of it. He opened the door to his home and made his way to his favorite spot on the floor. The brown bag crinkled as he opened it. His mouth watered as he thought of his prize.

He looked inside the bag

and the bag

looked

at

him.

Hours later, after the moon was up, Critique sat in his bed, his eyes wide open. His entire body shook as he clenched his baseball bat tightly against him. The faces and their glowing eyes had long since gone. He could still hear their little feet scratching inside the Library walls. Under the floors. Under his bed.

Just outside his window, watching from the branches, a flock of crows sat. They cackled amongst themselves, watching Critique cower under his sheets like a frightened child and holding his baseball bat like it was his teddy bear. Critique would not get much sleep tonight, but the crows got the entertainment they sought.

***

Hey, guys. Spideremblembrony here. Just wanted to give a huge shout out and thank you to Mr. Brony Fife He was a great talent to work with on this review as well as the story elements for the prologue and the epilogue. A lot of what you saw from those points came from him. If you liked it and want to check out more, I will be putting links to several of his stories below so you can click on them and check them out. Also, if you would like to help me say ‘Thank you’ to Mr. Brony Fife, please click on the link above and give him a follow.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I will see you all next week. Take care.

No More Ponies

Equestrylvania

Pie Am Bread

MLP Quiz by Awesomo3000

Hey, guys. Apparently there is this quiz going around FIMFiction. I'm going to do it, but instead of me actually doing it, I'm going to have 'The Critique' do it instead. Since tomorrow is another review, I figured I'd give you guys an extra day of his antics. So, let me know what you think. Anyway, enjoy.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

It's not everyday when I get to review something other than fan fiction. Not everyday when I get to pull myself out the endless cesspool of shit and go into a completely different endless cesspool of shit. But I'm getting a tad ahead of myself. There is this quiz flying around and I figured I'd have a look at it, since 4 or 5 of my peers did and nobody else. A quiz by Awesomo3000. So, let's take a look at this quiz as I attempt to convince you I am smarter than I actually am.

Our first question of this quiz is...

MLP QUIZ!

Well, that's not much of a question, is it? You don't even have a question mark in that sentence. Was it supposed to be 'Is this an MLP Quiz?' I certainly hope so. I don't know why I would be taking it if it wasn't? The answer is ... Maybe.

Fav characters?

Sensing a bit of laziness on the creators part here. Was it too hard to write out the word 'favorite'? For a professional quiz, there seems to be very little professionalism by the professional. So, a 'favorite' character hm? I suppose I could go with the obvious choice ... Me.

Least fav characters?

This is going to be a reoccurring thing with the 'fav' talk, isn't it? I'll try not to point it out too much, but I make no promises.  Least 'favorite' characters. I'm going to pick the right answer, which would be... everyone but Me.

The next question this quiz asks us is...

Fav background pony?

Wait a minute? Favorite background pony? Isn't a background pony a character? Is it not considered a character? I guess it is a bit different since it says 'Pony' specifically, rather than 'character', but it's kind of confusing since most of the characters in the show are ponies and very few other races. Unless the favorite character questions were supposed to imply that we were looking for non-pony characters. I think somepony needed to go back and redo this quiz. And I'm changing my answer from the last question of who was my least favorite character to 'Whoever proofread this quiz'.

I guess I have to come up with a background pony I like. I'll go with the obvious choice that will piss off most bronies. Applejack.

Least fav background pony?

Least favorite background pony is too hard to choose. So on this one, I'll pass.

Fav Mane Six member?

Favortie Mane Six member? I suppose that ponies do have manes, but why is there name often spelled 'Mane' Six rather than 'Main' Six? I know it's supposed to be a pun, but if you keep this up than most people are going to spell 'main' as 'mane'. Kind of like if we shorten words to make it easier to type them.

Least fav Mane Six member?

You'll notice I skipped answering which of the Mane (see) Six is my favorite. And that is because I hate all of them. I only like Rarity because she's a sexy, sexy mare. But she does lose points for being a unicorn.

Fav CMC?

Well, that's easy. I like Colorado Mountain College. According to the official website, classes start August 24th! And on the 27th, we have the Grand Opening of the Rifle Downtown Academic Center! And I do so love rifles.

Least fav CMC?

My least favorite CMC would be the Cable Music Channel, created by Ted Turner. You know? The guy responsible for Captain Planet. The CMC was shut down only after a month, speaking of the volumes of success it was having, trying to deal with cable companies.

Fav princess?

I can't really say I like any of the princesses, seeing how they always deny me having my own nuclear arsenal. However, I've technically already used two of my skips, and I'm not even halfway through the quiz. I guess I'd better pick a princess then. Hm... I'll go with Princess Cadance. Mostly for two reasons. Reason number 1: She has been dead for nearly 700 years in my time and can't boss me around. (That is if your headcanon is that Twilight and Cadance don't have the infinite lifespan and just have a few more extremities to clean.) Reason number 2 and the more important reason: Because it will piss off Mykan.

Least fav princess?

I think I explained it well enough in my previous question, but it bares repeating. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna suck ass! And they will continue to suck ass until I have my own country to be a cruel tyrant over.

Now, that that's out of the way for another week, we move on to our next question...

Fav season?

Well, that would be Spring or Fall. Spring because I get to watch everypony work clearing out winter, while I stay at home pretending to be sick or intentionally eating a bottle of expired Tartar Sauce the night before when the first plan doesn't work. Fall for similar reasons and the 'Running of the Leaves' thing.

Least fav season?

I won't mention a month that is coming very soon and is the least favorite month of mine by a long shot and I'm hoping that if I don't mention it people will just forget about it.

Fav episode?

Favorite Episode? This one is a bit harder to find something to make fun of. So, instead, I'm just going to go with my favorite moments where I had a little episode in itself. I think it was during the 'My Brave Little Space Unicorns of Awesomeness Season 2' when Lightning defeats the most overpowered trap in the history of the universe by playing hopscotch at it. Those were good days...

Can you imagine I still get post cards from him? He's still asking me to 'fuck yourself'.

Least fav episode?

I would have to say is in that same review I also revealed my fear of clowns. Anyone who posts a picture of a clown in response to this, I'll... um... well I'll do something unpleasant. That's for fucking sure.

Fav episode focused on your fav Mane Six member?

My favorite episode on my favorite mane six. Well, I think we've established in the previous questions that I have no favorite mane six, so I really don't have to answer that question and it doesn't count against my skips. Phew, two skipped questions for the price of one. And I don't care if you think that's cheating. It's my quiz and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with it.

Any episode you hate but everyone else loves?

I can't think of anything clever or funny here. So I'll just put Filli Vanilli and be done with it.

And the other way around?

Was this a question of whether I should try to be funny or clever? Or was this a question of whether I should find an episode that I hated that everyone else liked? Well, the fucking movies would be a good fucking start. Since none of them are actually THAT good when compared to the series itself and is more of Hasbro trying to sell butt ugly Barbie dolls. Which is working I'm sad to say.

Any guilty pleasures?

Well, I have a tendency to want to carve up various co-workers of mine with a machete in my basement and post their bloody corpses in Celestia's front yard. Each of them holding up a sign that says 'You're next, bitch!' Does that count?

Fav season premiere and finale?

How can one have a premiere and a finale at the same time? Unless, the episode that began the season also ended the season? I can't say I would be surprised if Hasbro, the money whore that it is, decided that an entire season of My Little Pony would consist of two episodes. It would be a lot cheaper to make and a lot less quality. And yet, people like us would be doped into watching it. Raging about it on the internet, giving it free publicity. And if anyone says 'they'd never do that', I think the Equestria Girls movies are an argument against that. I'm just giving Hasbro ideas at this point, aren't I? But what do I know?

Least fav premiere and finale?

Oh, shit... I used my last skip on that last question. Now, I have to answer the question... Um... the series finale of 'Lost'? What do you want from me?! The question came out of nowhere!

Fav song?

Hm... I don't actually like any songs that our Main (Ha, got it right this time) six actually sing. So, I'm going to refer you to the song I sung based off a song they sing 'Smile, Smile, Smile.' I call it, 'Comments, Comments, Comments.' If you couldn't tell by the title, it's primarily a song about racism.

Least fav song?

Originally, I was going to put down Starfleet Magic's Theme song on here. But I think that I've picked on Mykan enough in this review. So, instead, I'll pick on another alicorn named Soren or the more appropriate title of Roadkill. Roadkill is a singer and most of the shit he sings is unbearable. So, yes. Soren is my least fav singer.

Best villain?

But whoops. Once again, I have to refer myself back to Mykan's brave little train wreck as we talk about the best villain, the Grand Ruler. Now, some of you might be thinking 'Critique, I don't think the Grand Ruler is a villain.' And that my friends, is precisely why he is such a great villain. He's so evil, nobody actually sees it. Everyone goes about their lives as they think they normally would. But in actuality, they are being led on strings that the Grand Ruler is pulling, guiding their lives to make them what he wants. Effectively taking away free will. And he does this without anyone suspecting or even knowing. They just assume that it is how life is. Of course, even if we take away the Grand Ruler from the equation, his subjects are so used to the subjection that he forces on them, telling them how to live their lives, without him they would be like chickens with their brains ripped out of their skulls. With no guide to give them a purpose in their lives.

Also, he's a dick.

Worst villain?

Well, now it's time to get back on subject and talk about the worst villain of MLP. Sombra. I think we've all said what needed to be said about Sombra's five seconds of screen time. It's pretty sad when the 10 minute 'Fall of the Empire' video made by the fucking fans gave him a more diverse vocabulary than 2 fucking episodes did.

What was your favorite memorable Sombra line? My favorite was when he said that unforgettable line... Cryyyyyyysssssssttaaaaaaaaalssssssssss!

These next three questions I've already answered and I'm going to answer them with the same... um... answer...

Like Equestria Girls?

What about Rainbow Rocks?

Looking forward to the third movie?

No.

Speaking of movies, looking forward to the 2017 movie?

Sorry, I meant to say four on that last one. Because like the three before it, I'm sure it will suck. And for those of you who like the Equestria Girls movies... Don't ever talk to me. Ever. Forever.

Now that I've alienated most of the fan base, let's move on to the next part of the quiz...

Fav shippings?

Well, I've got to say the shippings I like are the one directed at me. The ones that give me something I needed or something I didn't even know I wanted. The ones that...

The punch line is UPS.

Shut up!

Least fav shippings?

Fav bronies in the community?

Youtube Video

Least fav bronies?

Oh, so now we see why this quiz was really made. So we could see people confess their hatred for certain bronies causing discord throughout the entire brony community. ... Wait a second. I figured it out! It all makes sense now! The chaos! The disorder! The discord! I know who made this quiz!

Youtube Video

Q from Star Trek is behind this quiz!

Youtube Video

Well, I feel that's enough of the quiz to get me to where I'm basically out of material. So, how was this quiz? ... It's a quiz. It's harmless enough and if you enjoyed the questions, click on the link and take it.

As for me, I've got a story to prepare that isn't MLP related. And I just alienated the few audience members that I have left. Here's to me!

The Disney 7

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

You know, after watching my favorite character be neutered for the past two weeks, I decided that I’m taking a break from reviewing anything that would insult my favorite ponies. So, this week I’m not going to review anything from MLP. Instead, I’m going to review something that insults something else I like.

… It may feel like a step back, but… … Yeah, but nothing.

The story I’m going to review this week is a bit of an infamous fic. I first heard about this story from a critic known as the Fanfiction Critic. Not to be confused with the FanFic Critic, who also reviews fan fictions. Yeah, it gets confusing around these two. For those of you who don’t know, the Fanfiction Critic was a reviewer who reviewed bad fan fiction often being the worst of the worst fan fictions of all time. Armed with only her sarcasm and her never ending Shout Outs to things much better.

With a B A in English, the Fanfiction Critic reviewed some of the most awful fan fics of all and has served as an inspiration for myself as well as others I’d imagine. She closed her account since she started and thus most of her content was deleted. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I had heard that before she closed her account she had gotten married and a job that she wanted concentrate on. While I am sad that she left, I am happy for her and wish her the best that life has to offer.

Unfortunately, that leaves one less reviewer to comb through the cesspool of unending shit that is the fan fic ocean, but what you gonna to do? This also happened to be the first review she ever did (at least in video format) and it’s honestly what got me interested in reviewing bad fics. Well, this and My Little Unicorn.

It’s a disastrous little fic called The Disney 7 and it was written by FrolloFreak (known at the time of writing it as Crazed Writer). Now, my first thought was “Cool, a story about the Seven Princesses of Heart from Kingdom Hearts. I can’t wait to see how sexist this is.” Well, thankfully this story has nothing to do with Kingdom Hearts. Though to be fair, this story could use some Heartless in it. You’ll see why later.

The first thing I want to look at is the title. Is it an unwritten rule that your numbers should be written out if its less than ten?! What if you did a sequel to this? Would you write it, ‘The Disney 7: 2?” Wouldn’t that be confusing? Not that anyone would want a sequel to this trash.

Our story opens with Jiminy Cricket introducing a town called Walroy, USA.

Hello! My name is Jiminy Cricket, but I don't think we really need an introduction.

And yet, you insist on giving us one. Yeah, Jiminy Cricket is narrating the story. This will be confusing later, but for now, I’ll let it slide.

Jiminy explains that the town had just had an adventure that turned the town upside down and that it was definitely a strange time to be had by all. Maybe the story was so bad that it decided to skip to the end and these are just Jiminy’s closing thoughts. That would sure be nice.

It turns out that after each of your favorite Disney movie ends, the characters go to their respective ‘realms’ until they are needed for another day. Whatever that means. Are the characters actors and they just play the roles they are given? Is it like whenever their movie plays, they have to come out and act out the roles they have? Or are they just waiting for sequels to be hastily made after 50 years?

I’ll admit, this is an interesting idea. This could honestly be a great satire, with characters who you think would be really nice, like Belle or Quasimodo, being kind of dicks in reality. Teaching us that what is on screen is not what’s in real life. That honestly would be pretty funny.

But no, instead, we get the most cutesy, over the top, cartoonishly, Disney Channel bullshit introduction to this town I have ever read! I could puke right now if I had anything in my stomach at how cute this intro is supposed to be. And bare in mind… My favorite pony is Fluttershy. So, you cannot imagine how bad this intro is.

That is, Quasimodo and his friends go about their daily routine in 15th Century Paris. Ariel is enjoying her life with husband Eric and daughter Melody. Belle and her prince are doing fine in magical 16th Century France, as are Jasmine and Aladdin living happily ever after in Agrabah. As for the non-human characters, Simba is still king of Pride Rock, Bambi is still Prince of the forest, and Aladar has settled into domestic bliss with Neera at the Nesting Grounds. And what of my former charge, Pinocchio? He's being the model son; Gepetto is one proud papa.

And the Critique is suffering in Ponyville as he reads this incredibly boring intro.

And you’re probably wondering, as Jiminy is quick to point out, what about the villains? Are they still dickheads? Why, yes they are! It turns out the villains are still as nasty as they are in the movies, just banished to a separate dimension so they can’t harm anyone. What kind of fucking sense does that make?! I’d be pissed off too if I had to go to fucking Bad Guy Town every time my movie ended! Is this supposed to be discrimination?! Because that would make great fucking satire! You could have gone Wreck-It Ralph before Wreck-It Ralph did.

But no… We get the bad guys who are bad guys for the sake that the plot needs one. So, whatever.

Oh, and apparently, Superman is part of the Disney mythos as Jiminy explains the dimension that the villains are trapped in.

Ever read the Superman comics? You know how Superman's birth planet Krypton put criminals in the Phantom Zone? Well, that's almost like the place where the Disney villains go.

:rainbowhuh: Hey, they’re stealing my thing!

Huh? So, this fic is the reason why Disney bought Marvel instead of DC? Official head canon accepted.

It goes on to explain that Walroy is some kind of nexus where the characters from the various Disney movies can go and mingle. It’s just more exposition to set up everything that’s going to happen in the story. And it seems to drag on forever. I know you have to explain things sometimes, but could you at least have it flow a little better?

It goes on to explain that there is a magical clock tower in the town that can summon Disney characters from their respective worlds. I’ll harp on this later. Trust me, it will be worth the wait. Flashback to a few days earlier, even though the line before said weeks, but trust me consistency is the least of this story’s problems, a group of kids are climbing up the clock tower, even though they aren’t supposed to.

Ben bragged all the way to City Hall that he could gain access to the clock tower and steal the communicator without anyone noticing. Of course, Andrea, being the ever obedient and sensible child, tried to stop the boy from doing something that would surely land him in hot water.

Actually, watching these characters being boiled alive would be preferable to reading this. Hell, I’d take being boiled alive at this point.

If Mom and Dad ever find out what they were up to, "They'll ground us until we're 30! And that's real old!"

As someone who is nearly 30 years of age, I am insulted by this dickweed! 30 is not that old! That’s something a five year old would say! Also, quotation marks should go inside of what you are saying! Why is that a lost art?!

The three kids, Ben, Andrea and Kristen, Ben’s little sister, go up the clock tower, with Ben mocking the two girls as they climb. Ben wants to use the power just to prove he can. He has no real motivation for doing this and as we’ll see soon, his involvement in this story is to get the plot rolling.

But, before our esteemed characters can get this show on the road, the story has to tell us about their parents, who are part of the city council as well as a baseball game umpired by Timon and Pumba. While amusing, it’s entirely pointless and has nothing to do with the scene going on right now, since it doesn’t further the characters we’ve seen and gives a pointless nod to Abbott and Costello.

Youtube Video

Although this would have been more entertaining if this story had written out that part instead of just telling us that, but whatever. We’ve just barely started this thing and there is soooo much more I can gripe on. So, let’s move on.

Ben finds the box that allows them to communicate with other worlds… With the lightest security system I’ve ever seen! Holy shit, my toilet has more security than this! The most powerful item in the Disney universe that can summon any Disney character at will and it doesn’t even get a locked door! Very trusting community we have here! Maybe this is the town where Moxie can go on a killing spree and nothing bad will ever happen to her!

Sir, the doctor said it is not good to talk about that story any more. Find your happy place.

Okay… Find … my happy… place…

I don’t care if you’re a made up crossover pony… ONE DAY, YOU WILL BE MINE!


Ben continues to be an idiot as he starts playing with the dangerous device and manages to turn it on. A huge beam of light emerges from the machine and fires into the distance creating an explosion. Knowing that they are in deep shit, the kids rush out of the clock tower.

A small explosion could be heard in the distance, sending folks out into the streets to see from where the conflagration came. So much murmuring and alarm!

And yet, no one can figure out the cause of it. I can see the mayor of this little town regretting his decision to forego tighter security around the FUCKING DIMENSIONAL WORMHOLE! TAKE SOME FUCKING LESSONS FROM STARGATE!


So, in chapter 2…

Hi there. It's Jiminy again.

D… Did we go to a commercial break or something? I mean, okay. Maybe that line might have worked when there was a month between reading chapters or something. But when you read from one chapter straight to the next… it's dumb. It’s just dumb. We already know that Jiminy is the narrator. I think we pretty much established that!


And if we were ever going to switch points of view in this story, there are more creative ways of doing so!

Anyway, Jiminy explains that the void to the villain’s dimensional prison was breached and that three of the most notorious, most sinister, most evil villains in all of Disney escaped from there. Are you guys picturing what I’m picturing right now? Because I think you are. Let’s see what the story gives us instead!

A few days pass since the event. A few days from when? I don’t fucking know. Jiminy says a few weeks, the narration says otherwise. Let’s just say the timeline is fucked and call it a day. So, Jiminy goes to an Ice Cream stand run by Carl. And just like before, the story stops to tell us more about Carl. Get used to that. I like to call it ‘stop and go’ storytelling. Mykan’s famous for it. And so are other writers. It’s where you stop the action of what is going on to explain the backstory of something else. Whether it has to do with the current situation or not.

Sometimes it’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you need to explain it. But when you have an intense scene like an action scene or a dramatic reveal of a villain or plot point, you kill the pacing by telling us how great Carl’s ice cream sundae is!

Shit I still don’t care to know!


Carl explains that things have been different in the town and it is now being run by the most vile of villains in all of Disney-dum.

Suddenly the place became very quiet as two men entered the soda shop. I looked these guys up and down, then hightailed it behind the cash register. I knew them right away: Gaston and LeFou!

Wait… so those two guys from Beauty and the Beast? They’re two of the villains in this? Okay, actually Gaston is supposed to be one of the big bads that escaped. I guess the story considers LeFou a henchmen, so he doesn’t count as a villain. Okay, not a great choice for a villain, since he’s more bigoted and selfish than he is actually evil. Though I could easily see a bit of a sadistic side in him.

Ugh… you sick fuck… thanks for that image….

But, whatever. As long as we get some really awesome villains, Gaston is a good brutish pawn. Too dumb to have high ambitions of his own, but not a complete idiot. His hunting skills would come in handy in a fight. Okay, I’m willing to accept this one.

So, the two burst into the Ice Cream parlor and demand service. Everyone, being too scared to stand up to the guy, backs off and gives him his order.

Carl, without hesitation, served both men big glasses of root beer followed by triple-decker burgers, fries, and heaps of ice cream

Um… Really? Fast food? I mean, LeFou, maybe. But I don’t know. I think Gaston loves his body too much to put that shit in it.

As they leave the Ice Cream Shop, the two men mention that Carl is behind on a payment and that their mysterious employer would be unhappy if Carl was any more behind. So, this sounds like Prince John from Disney’s Robin Hood. I’m not going to lie. It would be hilarious to see more powerful Disney villains take orders from a bumbling crybaby. Well, as a satire piece of course. This story plays it too straight to do that.

It turns out that this mysterious man has banned anything resembling fun. Apparently, this guy is so evil, that anyone having fun offends him. Hades from Hercules? Maybe?

At the same time, a woman has set up a sweat shop where all the women and children are forced to work for her. Oh, god! What in the fuck does this woman have in store for them?! Is she going to turn them into a garden of seaweed creatures? Like Ursula, the sea witch?! Or put a curse on them? Like Maleficent?!

No one knew where they were being kept, but Ben, not wanting to alarm his sister, finally realized that the infamous Cruella deVille had the pets kidnapped.

…

…

…

Cruella de Vil? … Cruella de Vil?

If she does not scare you, no evil thing will.

SHUT UP!


I mean, fucking Cruella de Vil?! What kind of powers does she bring to the table?! The power to be a complete bitch?! … Okay, valid, but… she’s a normal human being! A normal human being with no powers! No abilities! No skills! And two of the dumbest henchmen, even by dumb henchmen standards! She’s not scary at all!

GOOD SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!

Holy…

…

…

…

I take that back… that is one scary bitch…

So, the kids learn that Cruella plans to turn the animals of the town into fur coats. Just like she did in the Dalmatians movie. But since she was outwitted by a group of puppies, how difficult can she be to take down?

Okay, Gaston was a decent choice for a villain. Not good, but decent enough. Cruella. Awful choice to go up against the entire Disney library, even though she’s a freaky as fuck woman. So, the third big Disney villain has got to be someone big! Someone who is feared throughout the entire Disney universe as one of the greatest and most powerful villains in the roster!

We cut back to the Ice Cream parlor where our story goes more in depth about Founder’s Day. Apparently, the main villain wants to cancel Founder’s Day and to the characters in this story and to the author, it is more important to save Founder’s Day than it is to save the city and its inhabitance. Why?

Because of the charity basketball game!

The parade is ready to go, the charity basketball game is to be a thrilling match - Imagine Eric and Phoebus on the team, Quasimodo helping officiate, and Esmeralda and Ariel leading the cheer block.

The only thing that sounds interesting is seeing Esmeralda and Ariel in a cheerleading outfit. That… I’m 100% behind.

But yes, this becomes the motivation for fighting back against the main villain! It’s not because people are suffering and losing their freedoms to these criminals! It’s because the main villain is threatening a city holiday! Why do I think if this town had Carnage as their mayor they’d be fine with him going on a killing spree, but the second he causes them to lose the ‘Nicest Looking Town’ award, they’re going to fucking impeach him?!

Priorities! Yours are fucked up!

So the evil villain continues to be evil as the story tells us of the teams of the basketball game working tirelessly on… projects? I don’t know. We never actually see anything that is happening. Anyway, because they are working on projects they can’t practice for the upcoming game.

Rarity… would you please overreact in an over-the-top fashion, a quality which I have come to love about you?

Youtube Video

Thank you...

Jiminy arrives and tells Carl and some woman named Tina about a plan he's hatching to reach out and get some help, since they aren’t strong enough to deal with the villains on their own. And we learn the identity of the head mastermind behind this insidious plot! Who is it?! Is it Jafar? Chernabog?! The Horned King?!

Jiminy's voice lowered to a dull whisper as he uttered, "OK...Judge Claude Frollo!"

… … … Are you fucking kidding me?!


Look, I know I said that Frollo is my favorite Disney villain! I still stand by that, but… Really?! Judge Frollo is the main villain in this story?! He’s the biggest, and baddest Disney villain?! No! He’s not! God, no! He’s the most interesting! Don’t get me wrong! He’s a complete pervy psychopath, but… what?!

And his big thing is to cancel fun?! I think the Frollo I watched in the movie was a bit more complicated than that! I don’t know, it’s been a while! But I think Frollo was on a mission from God… that he took a bit too far! This is so out of character… I don’t even know where to begin! This is the character who would kill you at the drop of a hat! And his big, evil scheme is to cancel Founder’s Day?! He must be fucking pissed off about being in that Phantom Zone!

So, our three main villains of this piece are… Gaston… Cruella De Vil… And Frollo. Three normal human beings. No powers. No super natural abilities. No skills. Okay, Gaston has hunting, Cruella has Jasper and Horace and Frollo has… um… the late Tony Jay?

It never mentions any army that Frollo might have. Yes, I know he had a thousand men under his command in the movie, but that’s never mentioned here. So, six normal people, only one of them who has a gun is able to take over an entire town? In a town of magic and supernatural beings, a muscle bound idiot with a gun is a threat too big for the town to handle without some fucking backup? … And if you think that’s the dumbest thing this story has to offer… Oh brother… It gets worse.

And it gets worse at the very next line…

When Jiminy reeled off the heroes he had in mind, both Carl and Tina voiced approval. "But," Carl said somewhat uneasily, "I don't see how Aladar can help. Having a dinosaur around may be unsettling for folks..."

Now… I realize that Dinosaur might not have been a popular film when it was made back in 2000. So many of you might be wondering who Aladar is. Well, let me give you an idea of who Aladar is…

HE’S A 6000 POUND, 33 FOOT LONG DINOSAUR WHO COULD STEP ON EACH AND EVERYONE OF THESE ASSHOLES AND CALL IT A DAY!

He could literally end this story in 2 seconds! Fuck, the story even admits that, but as you’ll see later, the story kind of forgets that little detail! And people are worried that he’ll leave potholes or something?! Fuck the potholes! You are being enslaved, you idiots! I think a little collateral damage to the town is justifiable compared to the human lives you’d sacrifice if you didn’t! I think folks are already unsettled by the fact that they are being enslaved by a psychopath!

Ugh! Chapter 2 people! Chapter 2!

Jiminy heads off to gather the only seven heroes who are capable of saving Walroy… I mean, Founder’s Day… Huzzah…

At the start of chapter 3 we have another narrator, who is narrating what Jiminy is doing. Is this like the Winnie the Pooh narrator? Why do we have a narrator on top of a narrator? Does Jiminy have a little voice in his head that tells him to do things and what’s right and wrong? … Kind of ironic if he did really.

So, the first character Jiminy wants to recruit is Simba from the Lion King. Nala, his wife, doesn’t want to see him go, but Simba says he needs to help out and deal with the threat in Walroy.

"Do what you have to do, Simba," she said, knowing she'll miss her mate. "But please be careful, especially around that Cruella. I don't want her to turn you into a coat!"

And there’s exactly the problem with this. The first hero to be gathered and already the plot could have been over in two seconds. Simba is a fully grown lion! I think he would rip out Cruella’s throat before she had a chance to act. Yeah, she has a car, but the second she is out of that car, she’s cat chow! And the only one who would stand a chance against Simba, would probably be Gaston, and that’s only because of his expert hunting and his gun! Other than that, the villains of this piece could be taken down by this one character! And we have six more characters to wrangle up! Who else are we getting?! Gurgi?!

Hm… Never mind. Welcome to the team…

The thing I love about this fic is how it tries to build up Frollo as this big threat to the characters, even though he clearly isn’t! Just look at this…

"And don't forget we have a couple more baddies. Gaston and LeFou will be pushovers, but Frollo!" The very name sent shivers down Jiminy's spine.

Now Nala was really alarmed. She remembered Esmeralda's account of what happened in 1482 Paris during the Feast of Fools, and how Frollo terrorized all of Paris just to hunt down the outspoken Gypsy dancer.

"Come on, Nala, Frollo is like Scar, and I'm sure he has a weak spot."

Yeah, it’s called anything that kills a human being! Lion attack falls under that category!

So, as if this fic couldn’t get any stupider, the next character they decide to recruit is the aforementioned Aladar. Remember? The giant dinosaur who could end my suffering in 2.3 seconds?! The funny thing is the story mentions about Aladar’s size and yet this story will forget about that little detail as it goes on.

The next character on our list is Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Oh, so, she’s going to go get the trident from her father?! That’d be fucking badass! Those villains are in hot water now!


Worst joke ever.

I really don’t need your sass right now!

Sadly, no. The story does none of those things. Instead, it mentions that Ariel is a mermaid, even though she’s living on land with her husband and daughter… but it clearly says mermaid in the story… Why would she be a mermaid- Oh, fuck it.

So, they head off to collect one of my favorite Disney characters, Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Though I am rather curious why they don’t just use the magic powers of the Disney Summoning Box to bring them straight to Walroy, rather than traveling to their world and collecting them, like the Blue’s Brothers, but maybe Frollo and his goons have control of the clock tower.

However, I do have a complaint. If they can need the portal generator machine to teleport to other Disney worlds, how the fuck are they going to all these other Disney worlds?! There is no mention of how they go to these different worlds to get help?! What? Are they using a Gummi Ship from Kingdom Hearts?!

They bring Belle because apparently we needed the extra help. The group then makes their way to Paris where they hope to enlist Esmeralda and Quasimodo. Where the heroes of the movie are kind of pricks...

"Uh, Jiminy," said Phoebus, "are you sure you want US to help you? Come on! It was bad enough with Frollo the first time around."

I seem to remember Phoebus being the guy who did the right thing, regardless of the risk! Well, thanks for buttfucking that character, story! Are there any other characters you want to make your bitch while you’re at it?!

Esmeralda echoed Phoebus with, "Yeah, and if you want to include me on your little caper, count me out. Ugh! Just the thought of being within ten feet of Frollo gives me the heebie-jeebies."

Well, excuse me, princess!

So, after some convincing from the gargoyles who have no place being here, which brings up the question, why don’t they go to the world of the Gargoyles and get Goliath?!


Esmerelda and Quasi decide to help the group face the villains and save Founder’s Day. With one last stop to make, Jiminy heads to Agrabah to enlist the help of Jasmine. However, Aladdin explains that Jasmine is pregnant and can’t help them. Which raises the question, why the fuck don’t they enlist Aladdin?! Hell, I’d even understand if he said no, so he can be with his wife while she is pregnant! Even though the baby isn’t expected for another seven months according to the story…

But what about the fucking Genie?!

Why can’t they enlist his help on this?! He has no reason to be there where he won’t be able to help Agrabah for another seven months!

Jiminy and the gang are upset that they can’t get Jasmine’s help on this.

"Now what will I do? I can't think of anyone else willing to take on the challenge."

Neither can I, Jiminy. I can’t think of any character who would be helpful against these villains… Except for this small list of characters....

Captain Jack Sparrow

Stitch

Peter Pan

Tarzan

Mulan

Hercules

Scrooge McDuck

The Rescuers

Basil

Baloo the Bear

Robin Hood


…

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

Poor Jiminy! He assembled the oddest, quirkiest assortment of Disney heroes, but he was lacking one more.

Ha, ha, ha! You have no idea what quirky means do you? … That or you just called all the characters odd? Seriously, the oddest one there is Quasimodo and even then he’s not that odd. Also, really great on the repetitive thing. And a very good job on the tediousness.

Hello, pot. I am kettle.

I don’t get it.

We then cut to the perspective of Frollo … which is the weird thing… I don’t think Jiminy was there when Frollo was making his big plans. Or is this the other narrator we’ve had that’s telling us this? But it talks to us like Jiminy is talking to us?

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Yeah, I probably should move on…

We find Frollo masterbating to himself… eww…. about how evil he is and how he is going to ruin Founder’s Day. And more importantly the Charity Basketball game.

God, would you shut up about the basketball game?! Nobody gets this excited about normal basketball!

And we get some insight into Frollo getting horny as he gets into a fight with his secretary. Yeah, this story really, REALLY takes a dark turn fast. I mean, this is fic started as kind of the Disney traditional ‘fun for the whole family’ deal, but now it’s rather disturbing. Yeah, it’s part of what I like about the character of Frollo, but it comes straight out of left field, especially since what we’ve seen up to this point, doesn’t match anything we are seeing now as far as the tone.

Anyway, Frollo starts thinking about his co-horts and how he eventually plans to betray them. As he feels they are unsuited to aid him in his mission. Which is…justice? I honestly have no idea. To ruin Founder’s Day? Okay, then what, smartass?! There is really no end goal to Frollo’s plan. It’s just… ‘I need to ruin Founder’s Day.’ And that’s it.

It mentions justice like I said, but it’s never really explained what he sees as just or not. Is it because Gaston is putting up a protection racket? A protection racket that you allow him to do?! Or Cruella’s stealing other people's pets to turn them into clothing?! Again, you said she could! So, what kind of messed up justice are you building towards?! At least in the movie, he believed he was doing good because of prejudice!

He is interuptted from his self masterbastion… again… eww… when a woman named Tina walks into the room and has a discussion with him. And then… it skips over to Tina driving home from that discussion. That’s okay, I didn’t want to see what the fuck they were talking about anyway.

But it at least, TELLS us what fucking happened. Opposed to that, I’ll show you…

The sick fuck!


So, the entire chapter is setting up how Frollo is in love with Tina and how Tina wants nothing to do with him. Frollo still not having a clue, despite her constantly telling him to ‘piss off’.

The group gathers at Tina’s place where they try to come up with a plan to defeat the villains. And they come up with the most brilliant plan ever! Are you ready? Because this is fucking genius! Ready? Okay… Split up into teams, free all the little animals that Cruella has captured without her noticing, make Gaston believe in something superstitious by tricking him and have the woman who was just harassed by Frollo lead him on for information on his plans.

Jesus, that’s brilliant! I mean, I had this other plan to send the 6000 pound dinosaur into each of their homes and stomping them into paste, but this seems much more logical!

So, yes, folks. This is what this story has be written for. The whole reason this story exists is so that a young woman can have sex and be molested by an old guy. … Um… what?! Isn’t fan fiction/self inserts usually self-fantasizing? Something that you wished would happen to you, but you know it wouldn’t ever happen? So… this girl… wants to be sexually assaulted by a much older man? … Ugh… I could honestly spend hours trying to figure out the logic, but I’m afraid I’d become stupider if I did. So let’s just move on…

We then cut to Carl’s Ice Cream stand, funny how this character has more screen time than Sombra did in his episodes, where a mysterious man in a black cloak enters the shop. This is our mysterious Disney Seventh. The story wants to keep him as secret as possible. Even though he amounts to very little in this story. It’s cute how it thinks I care.

The only problem was NOT to let themselves be known, not with three of Disney's worst out and about. Someone might spot them

Oh, no! Frollo might see the dinosaur out the window and figure that he’d better ditch the town and give up his evil ways! We couldn’t do that! Then we’d have a much shorter story! And lord knows I haven’t hit my quota of suffering yet! Rarity, we need you again!

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God, that never gets old.

So, the group splits up and we cut to Tina and Esmerelda. They make their way to the clock tower to try to get the device that will send the Disney Villains back where they came from, but it turns out that Frollo does have guards. And they are all guarding the device. All two of them.

Though to be fair, it is more security than the last fucking mayor had. Honestly, I don’t see the issue with Frollo being in charge. At least shit gets done.

Meanwhile, Quasimodo gets a hold of a holographic projector device… Don’t ask… just… don’t ask… and plans to use it to scare Gaston into running away. Even though with his acrobatics and unusual strength he should be able to give Gaston a run for his money. But Gaston does have a gun, so maybe this is more logical.

At the same time, Simba and Aladar decide to stake out Cruella’s hideout where she is keeping all the animals. How the fuck did they figure out where she’s keeping the animals? … The plot fairy?...

The logic is that if Cruella sees Simba and Aladar rescuing the animals, then their plan would be for nothing. Even though ALADAR COULD EAT HER! Yes, Aladar is a herbivore, but I don’t fucking care! Bite her head off, you idiot! Or have Simba tear her apart! I don’t care! Fucking something!

As they approach the hideout, Cruella’s arrival causes them to go back into hiding. It’s like Superman dealing with the Penguin, except Superman is too frightened of the Penguin to deal with him. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, Frank fucking Miller!

Cruella gets into her hideout without noticing the 33 foot tall dinosaur hiding behind a bush or something and tells her henchmen, Jasper and Horace, about the job she wants them to do. And then she just leaves… Okay then… Enough of her then. Though to be fair, I have had enough of her to last me a lifetime.

GAH! STOP THAT!

As Cruella leaves, Aladar comes up with the only decent plan these characters have had thus far.

"This is gonna be tougher than I thought," said Aladar who had a mind to crash through the door, scare the crap out of Jasper and Horace, and rescue the pets.

Wow! I mean, holy shit! Wow! That is an amazing plan that came from the 6000 pound dinosaur! I wished I had thought of that! Clearly, this story is pushing the envelope!


But Simba prove he’s kind of an idiot with this very next line…

"Hmm...I have another idea. Aladar, why don't you stay here, then I'll go inside, just to ward off those two. When I give the signal, then do your thing."

Okay, not as good as the dinosaur fucking shit up plan, but okay, a lion is as good as anything else and we know that Jasper and Horace don’t have weapons, so… One villain down?

Nope. They wait until they fall asleep. Are you fucking shitting me?! They wait until they fall asleep! What were they afraid they were going to do? A Three Stooges routine at them?! So, Simba manages to sneak in the back, again with Aladar waiting for something to go wrong, and manages to rescue the little critters. However, before Simba can escape, he is shot by our villains with a tranquilizer dart.

The little critters explain to Aladar how Simba was captured. Oh, no! If only we had a 6000 pound dinosaur to save him!


Sir, you do realize that joke is incredibly old?

Well, if this fic wasn’t so stupid, I wouldn’t make fun of it!

Aladar bursts into the building and, just so we are clear, it’s not the fact that the 3 ton dinosaur that burst into your hideout that has the villains scared. No. No. It’s the fact that Aladar pretended to eat a pet cat that scares them off. This story just gave Jasper and Horace balls of fucking steel and at the same time, no balls at all! It’s kind of amazing… actually.


So, the little critters are saved and Jasper and Horace are on the run. No doubt going to Frollo and telling him what they saw, which is what our heroes were trying to avoid in the first place, but our heroes seemed to have forgotten about that little detail, so I will too.

Knowing that Cruella will return at any moment, the group decides they best head back to their base of operations, instead of waiting for her to return and going king of the beasts on her!

They get back to base where they discover that Jasper and Horace… are put in jail? Why is there a fucking jail if there are no fucking cops in this town?! Seriously?! I mean, yeah, the story mentions a police chief very early in the story, but we’ve never seen him or know what happened to him! We have not seen one fucking cop in this town to deal with the threat of three ordinary people with very limited resources! Who leads these cops?! Chief Wiggum?!


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Frollo isn’t pleased with the fact that Jasper and Horace failed… and visits them in the jail? Um… isn’t he in fucking charge of the place? Could he not pardon them and get them back on the street and working for him?! Since he has control of the justice system, wouldn’t he… Oh, who gives a shit?!


And then… Frollo does this…

Right then and there, Frollo produced a curious item. It looked like a walkie-talkie, but that wasn't what it was. Claude Frollo simply smiled wickedly at the men, showed them the strange device, then depressed a red button. In a flash, Jasper and Horace found themselves engulfed in a blaze of red light. Within moments, they disappeared!

Holy shit! … Did… did he just send them to Hell?! … Because that is what it looks like! I think that Frollo just sent those two to Hell! … Very in character the more I think about it. … Okay, story, you get one point. But can you keep it?

Frollo, still smiling, said to himself, "There! That takes care of those two. Now, when the time comes, Cruella and Gaston will be next. I must thank Sid for coming up with this little device..."

Wait… who the hell is Sid? Sid? I don’t remember any character in a Disney…

Wait… do you mean Sid from Toy Story?! The Sid that blew up toys for fun in Toy Story?! The little boy Sid?! Sid invented the portal to Hell?! He’s not fucking Jimmy Neutron! He’s a child that is only a threat to the toys because they are alive! As far as he knows, he’s doing nothing wrong! I … I don’t…

Sir, happy place.

Okay… Happy place… happy place...

Okay… I think I’m good now…

So, in a strange grace of mercy, Cruella gives the slaves she has the day off from work because all her pets are missing. Huh? … I seem to remember her being a tad more persistent in the movies… DON’T YOU DARE SHOW ME HER IMAGE AGAIN?!

So, Ariel and Esmeralda are setting up… I don’t know… some kind of mechanical device, to deal with Frollo and his goons. All two of them. Again. But the problem is that neither one of them are technologically inclined. But before anyone can give enough of a rat’s ass, Belle arrives with her father just to help with this sort of thing. I guess Belle is now the fucking Flash or they have the device that allows them to teleport Disney characters to their world… So they can get the device that can teleport the Disney villains back to their world. … Make sense?

Meanwhile, Tina is serving herself up to Frollo and playing off him. Frollo continues to molest her and we get this fucked up line…

No wonder he has this fanatical female fan following...He must have that effect on them...He IS kind of sexy...Oooh, this kiss...I know I shouldn't feel this way, but...

Oh, good. The female character is enjoying being molested by this fucking perv. Remember girls, if a guy starts to touch you and kiss you against your will, just sit back and enjoy it! Don’t have free will of your own!

FUCK! YOU’D THINK I’D BE USED TO THAT BY NOW!

So, after we established Tina as a step backwards for women, Quasi and Esmeralda set up their lame ass holographic projector to scare the piss out of Gaston and LeFou.

None of the villains had yet to discover the Disney heroes' presence in town, and Quasi knew that if that ever happened then it's "bye-bye" Walroy.

How? … Does Frollo have a bomb or something?! An army to tear the place apart?! Has threatened to actually get some good Disney villains in this story?! Ones that actually might be a threat and turn the tables on Frollo when he tries to control them?! … Actually, that would be miles more interesting…

We cut to Gaston who is doing what any guy with evil plans would be doing… Watching T.V of course… Sure, why not? However, as they enjoy their show, a noise is heard from outside. Gaston sends LeFou to investigate and a mysterious creature attacks LeFou, but he is able to escape. Oooh… a mysterious creature? Okay, story… I’ll bite… what is this mysterious creature?

LeFou explains that he was attacked by a creature, right after lying to Gaston and telling him everything was okay… The Point doesn’t say pointless as much as I do in this fic! So, Gaston goes to investigate. At that moment, Gaston and LeFou are attacked by the mysterious creature that manages to easily overpower them and tells them about Jasper and Horace being sent to Bad Guy Hell.

And if you are wondering, yes… this creature is the mystery hero. Who is still a mystery at this point… Why do I get the feeling this character is going to be incredibly disappointing? So, after spending pointless scenes with the holographic projector, the mystery hero takes out one of the villains. Waste of text… it turns out that our mysterious hero has learned all about the plot and explains it to everyone. Apparently, Cruella has no idea what Frollo did to Jasper and Horace and that Frollo gives Cruella his guards to aid her plans. ALL TWO OF THEM!


They also learn the identity of the mystery hero that helped them. Oh, sweet! So, we finally get to know who the mystery hero is?! Alright, let the bad guys run for the hills because our mystery hero is…

It was Ben who, upon returning to town, revealed Quasi the mystery hero's identity.

Our seventh hero is…

At first the bell ringer was wary of this hero's presence, however, after some thought, Quasimodo rejoiced that the seventh hero just may the ticket to Walroy's freedom from the escaped villains' clutches.

Any second now...

However, Aladar and Simba were puzzled.

Um… Story? Story? Excuse me, but could you please reveal the mystery, now?

Since they had successfully freed the town's pets, they wanted to take down Cruella themselves.

Story?! We’re still here! Mind telling us what you’re keeping from us?!

Come on, Simba had a personal reason for getting Ms. DeVille since it was her henchmen who nearly killed him.

WHO IS THE … OH, FUCK IT! I’m going to my happy place…

Okay… I’m good…

So, Gaston and LeFou go to confront Frollo, falling into the heroes trap of turning them against each other. This would be a clever tactic IF THE VILLAINS WERE ACTUALLY A THREAT! Frollo lies and explains that there is no device, but wonders where Gaston and LeFou got the idea. They explain that a monster attacked them. And the identity of this monster is hinted at… Or rather spelled it out if you have two brain cells to rub together.

"Not human by any means, sir. Looked more like an animal, but unlike any beast I've ever seen."

This monster was big, blue, and butt-ugly. Oh yeah, he had a real temper, too. Really wrecked the house, so we'll need a place to stay."

So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed it by now… I’m spoiling it… The mystery hero is Stitch…

Which… brings up a whole new can of stupid to this fic! The mystery hero does not talk like Stitch! Seriously, could you ever see Stitch saying half of this dialogue?!


The thing was insistent. "Yes there is! Jasper and Horace were sent back because I saw the whole thing! Now if it's not here, who has it?"

"You were expecting Rocky or Screwy Squirrel,"

Did you not see the movie?! Stitch does not talk like this!

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Stitch’s voice is broken up because he is still learning English! There should be clues like this through his dialogue! Not talking like a normal person! Also, the mysterious figure in a black cloak was not described as a munchkin! He was described as being normal height! Which doesn’t help the ‘big’ remark Gaston and LeFou made about him!

Ugh… Let’s just move on…

Frollo betrays Gaston and LeFou and banishes them back into Hell. So the villains are more a threat to themselves than the heroes are to them? … Well, that’s kind of interesting… And a bit funny… IF IT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY!

Tina returns to Frollo’s office to try and seduce him again, while Belle, Esmeralda and Ariel sit with their thumbs up their butts waiting for a cue. Tina goes upstairs to try and distract Frollo, while the others look for the device that will send the villains back to Hell. But there is still one problem? What to do about Cruella? Because, clearly the dinosaur, the lion and the alien who can lift 3000 times his own weight will be ineffective against the normal human!

Tina takes Frollo down to his torture chamber, no doubt preparing for the S&M scene later in this story. Meanwhile, the other girls burst into his office and find the device. Yay… can we go now?

Oh, and I wasn’t kidding about the S&M joke either. These next couple of lines are pretty iffy.

And if I know Frollo, he's damning Tina, threatening to put the screws to her – no pun intended."

"I got it! Now, let's head downstairs. We'll toy with Frollo while he's 'tied up' before sending him back.

Oh, so, now we’re adding B and D to that, I guess?

Cruella is pissed off that her plan with the little animals didn’t go quite as she wanted and demands to see Frollo. She calls him up, but it turns out that Frollo is chained up and dangling over Tina. I’m starting to see why this whole story was written. So that the author could have BDSM time with a wrinkly old man… Whatever works…

So, with only one villain left and seven heroes to deal with her, what’s the hero’s best plan?

Simba and Aladar meet Cruella where she kept the animals. They convince her that Frollo sent them to help her deal with them, but when they arrived Jasper and Horace as well as the animals were gone.

FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A PITCHFORK!


They explain that Frollo had double crossed her by sending Jasper and Horace back to Hell. And that he planned to do the same to Gaston and her as well. Cruella doesn’t take this kindly and stomps off to confront Frollo.

We cut back to Frollo’s S&M dungeon where our girls are TORTURING HIM! Yeah, Ariel, Belle and Esmeralda are enjoying torturing a human being! Who the fuck do they think they are?! Jack fucking Bauer?!

Phoebus and Cloppin arrive… Oh, sure, now you grow a pair… to help gang rape Frollo. Yeah, who are the bad guys again?!

Cruella arrives and is escorted down to the dungeon where our heroes wait for them. Yes, even the fucking dinosaur!

Esmeralda merely replied, "This is what happens when someone tries to double-cross you, Cruella. We have what you want, and that little beast can't wait to have his fur all wrapped around you."

Oh, god! We’ve add beastiality to this! Did the author just think that all these fetishes would spice up this story?! If so, fail!

So, the day is saved. Stitch is finally revealed as the mystery hero and the villains are sent back to their world. The town then has the pleasure of enjoying Founder’s Day and more importantly the basketball game.

Alright, this basketball game has been promoted throughout the entirety of the story. A basketball game that is apparently more important than human lives! Something we have waited the entire story for! All I’m saying is… this better be one hell of a basketball game!


Then the game: The Disney Toons vs. The Walroy Wonders. On the latter team, the high school basketball team plus a few adult volunteers made up the starting lineup. On the Disney team? How about Phoebus, Hercules, Eric, Goofy, Clarabelle, and Mickey Mouse for starters. The game, of course, was strictly for fun, and all proceeds went to charity. Who cared who won or lost? With Esmeralda and Ariel leading the cheer block, and Quasimodo and Phil officiating, and that odd assortment of players, it was one laugh-filled game of hijinks and good time fun. By the way, the Disney Toons won: 99 to 55.

… You’re fucking kidding me? You’re god damn fucking kidding me?!


That was the basketball game?! That was what we were leading up to?! That was the mess that this story was building up to the entire fucking way through?! A single paragraph giving you the surface of the tip of the polar bear’s ass on the top of the fucking iceberg?! Really?! Fucking really?!


Sir, happy place.

Happy… place… Happy… NOPE!


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This story is stupid!


I’ll give it some credit for its premise! The idea of a world where the Disney characters are aware they are movie characters is not doomed from the start! We’ve seen it work! Wreck-it Ralph is proof of that!

And the concept of huge crossover between other Disney characters is not dead on arrival either! Kingdom Hearts proves that! Fuck, House of Mouse and Sofia the First are better crossovers than this!


The only problem is… EVERYTHING ELSE!


The tone of this story is all over the place! Sometimes being very childish and talking down to its audience, but then throwing in molestation and fucking S&M torture messes with the tone of it! Either go one way or go the other! I don’t care! Just choose a tone and stick with it! When you try to do both, it seems like you have no idea what the story is!

The writing is bad. It’s descriptions are the bare minimum of telling. I never got an idea of the world we were in or some of the emotions of the characters. Half of the jokes that are supposed to be funny in this were so poorly executed I started to wonder if they could qualify as jokes at all. Scenes are never properly developed and other times you wonder what the hell just happened!

The characters are barely recognizable. Every single character acts nothing like their Disney movie counterpart. I never once believed that any single character was from a film I enjoyed.

And let's not forget the fucking molestation scenes where the woman is actually enjoying being sexually assaulted by her attacker. Yeah, kind of a fucking misstep there! It makes the character of Tina a fucking joke! She's a weak-willed sexual tool. That's it! That's ultimately what this character amounts to!

The plot in this could have been over in two seconds with the character choices! But no, because this is so poorly planned, the story has to come up with contrived reasons why the heroes don’t just end it! It’s not even plausible contrivances! It just turns the heroes into complete idiots, hoping that it will make the villains more dangerous!

The way to make villains dangerous is to show your heroes as competent as possible and yet the villain is either one step ahead of them or defeats them regardless, either by skill or cheating!

This story never does that! It just expects us to be afraid of the villains, because the characters are afraid of them. Not because of anything they actually do!

Four of the Disney 7 were fucking useless! Belle, Esmeralda, Quasimodo and Ariel did nothing throughout the entire story! This should have been called the Disney 3 since Aladar, Stitch and Simba were the only ones to actually do anything. And one could make the argument that Stitch didn’t do anything either! So, this should have been the Disney 2!

And the motive for the heroes is WEAK! Seriously, Fucking Founder’s Day is more important than saving innocent lives! And the story doesn’t bother making Founder’s Day cool!

And there is so much more that I could scream and yell about, but honestly… I’m spent for this week…

Have a good day guys.

Batmare Begins


Hello, everypony. I’m Batstallion.

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Ah, yes, the good old Dark Knight. Nothing says badass like the Batman. As such, many writers have attempted to incorporate the Batman into the My Little Pony universe. Some with characters that actually make sense. Others with characters that are just off the wall odd. Like today’s story, Derpy.

Kind of an odd choice for the Dark Knight. Can you imagine Batman saying this in his overly growly Bale voice?

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Well, Batbrony certainly did and I think it’s high time I review this story and pick it apart in front of him like a school bully tearing apart his victim’s favorite Batman action figure. Tee hee hee!

If you are Batstallion, then who am I supposed to be? Robin?

Of course not. You’re Alfred.

Because that is a step up.

So, let’s dig into the story of Batmare Begins.


Our story starts in a flashback dream sequence. Because this is a superhero origin fanfic, all superhero origin fanfics start in a flashback dream sequence.

Our dream is about Derpy flying over Ponyville when suddenly her mother appears in the sky.

Mother: Derpy, you will go to Dagobah System. There you will learn from Yoda.

Her mother is swallowed up by a dark cloud, because who needs parents when you’re a superhero, and Derpy wakes up in a prison.

Derpy, oddly enough considering she is in a prison, is looking more at the positives. Now, despite the fact that she is supposed to be Batman, the same brooding character we know and love from the comics, I do find that I like this part of Derpy’s personality. Despite all the shit that gets thrown at her, she tries to find a lighter side of things.

Too many fics try to make their character dark or depressing and it really starts to get irritating after a while. It’s nice when a character can just be positive without being a total idiot. And Derpy certainly does that. Well, most of the time anyway. But she’s so adorable when she does!

“Good morning, Mister Guard, sir,” she chirped, smiling widely and staring at him with her derpy eyes.

And again, most stories would want Derpy to be a jerk and sarcastic with the guard, but it seems like Derpy is genuinely happy to see the guard and just happy to be alive. Isn’t this the exact opposite of what Batman happens to be like?

The guard, while being a guard, but not a total prick actually greets Derpy.

This is a point that I can’t ignore and frankly, it forces me to think about the casting choice. I’m not saying that this is a bad story right from the get go. In fact, it’s because I give mad props to the story for taking such a character that would never be a character as dark and brooding as Batman and stick her as him.

But that’s just it. This doesn’t feel like Batman. On the one hand, it’s very unique and original and it does intrigue me with a degree of curiosity. However, on the other, it just isn’t Batman. I know that may not be a lot, but from a guy who has read comics all his life, this seems odd.

Again, I respect the story for taking such a large risk. It’s certainly one of the oddest choices I’ve ever seen, but certainly not odd enough to make me look away. In fact, it’s that oddness that makes we want to keep reading just to see where it goes.

Derpy goes down to breakfast and is so distracted by her dull porridge that she runs into a mare that is about twice her size.

And here’s where I start to question the story. This story has many similar problems that Mare of Steel had when I read that. There is a large amount of talking head syndrome in this scene. Let me show you…

“What’s the big idea, ya clutz?” she snarled.

“Oops… my bad!  Didn’t see you there, mister.”

“I’m a mare!”

“You are?”

“What?!”

“Oh, I mean… well, um, gee, this sure is awkward.  Say, ya ever have one of those mornings where it just seems like nothing can go right and everything just keeps getting worse and worse?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Oh, well that’s good–”

“But you’re about to!”

“Wait, what?”

No offensive story, but could you go back and rewrite that entire scene again?! And this time, could you make sure that you aren’t writing Batmare the Stage Show?!

I get no sense of the character’s tone, mental thoughts, movements, and emotions that would add to this scene. As such, I feel that this whole is exchange is a bit on the wobbly side of the table. It feels rushed and it certainly doesn’t help when the story doesn’t bother slowing down the dialogue to get a sense of the world around them or the characters themselves.

The mare attacks Derpy, but Derpy has harnessed the power of Goofy and his klutz fighting tactics.

With that, four of the inmates charged at once towards Derpy.  Terrified, her mind went completely blank, until, a split second before they were upon her, her instincts suddenly kicked in and she flew straight up into the air.  The four inmates subsequently crashed into each other in spectacular fashion and lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Can’t you just hear the Looney Tunes theme after that?

After ‘beating up’ the inmates, the guards arrive and put Derpy into solitary confinement. Why?

“For protection.”

“Oh thank goodness!  Thank you so much!”

“No, dolt, protection for them!” he said, motioning over to the fallen inmates.

I guess Derpy’s been using steroids while everypony else wasn’t looking.

“Unbelievable… un-bucking-believable,” he muttered to himself.  “One day.  You’re with us one day and you’ve already destroyed half of Mess Hall D and sent a dozen inmates to the infirmary!  No wonder they locked you up.”

“B-but it wasn’t my fault, I swear, I-”

Derpy: I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m sorry…

I could think of a few things…

Yes, I’m an asshole. Deal with it.

And it turns out that Derpy was locked up because… she’s dangerous… Okay, yeah, she’s a klutz and a bit accident prone, but locking her up? Locking her up was the only way for this to work? On whose authority?! Did Derpy just not lawyer up when they came to her house and arrested her for being a tad different?! Isn’t that discrimination?!

Or were the ponies who arrested her also the ones who wanted to get rid of her from the show because she’s “offensive” or some bullshit?

Derpy becomes sad over this, feeling that she had no place to belong. After a while, a stallion by the name of Ra’s Al Ghul. Whoops, wrong story. I mean, Magique appears and tells Derpy that he works for somepony that has taken an interest in Derpy for her ability to take down enemies without really trying.

I always wondered why Goofy was my favorite Disney character.

Again, we go through the talking head syndrome that Mare of Steel was famous for. Seriously, they could be in the same canon… Actually that would be a pretty sweet crossover.  Supermare VS Batmare: Dawn of Justice! Make it happen people!

Magique tells Derpy that she is special in a way that would not resemble Batman Begins. Nope. Not even close. Nowhere near anything resembling Batman Begins. Unless, Batman Begins happened like this than that's exactly what happened.

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We get another flashback of Derpy with her mother and her mother is trying to convince her to try something that Derpy is afraid she might fail at. Flying. After a few words of encouragement, Derpy is able to leap into the air and fly around. This gives her courage in the present time to take another leap of faith and try.

This I like because it actually has the flashback means something to Derpy instead of showing it just to show it. It actually serves a purpose in this scene. Granted, I think there are too many flashbacks in this chapter, but this one was well done. To be honest, you could take away the first flashback in this chapter.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No!”

While cute, I would like to know who is talking here. I can pretty much guess here, but I thought Derpy was talking to Magique for a second. Unless, I’m wrong and she actually is. Derpy is to be escorted via chariot to the Crystal Mountain and all the charges against her are to be dropped. I’m still wondering what charges are against her to begin with!


Let’s see… cloud.  Cloud.  Cloud.  Is that a bird?  Nope, cloud.  Cloud.  Soooooooo bored.

No… kind of looks like Rainbow Dash in a terrible disguise and a red cape … Last Mare of Steel reference, I promise.

We then get flashback number 562, where we learn that Derpy’s mother was part of a task force to take care of out of control storms and that most of the time the job was dangerous due to the lack of Pegasi on hand trained to handle this kind of job and the types of storms they were facing.

Now, I like this more than Cielo’s Secret. That story had not only an unlikable protagonist (as well as many other things I didn’t like), but had a similiar set up to this. However, unlike this story, Cielo’s Secret acted like there was only one pony who was trained to handle these kinds of situations.

This story shows that the division that is behind the same situation is understaffed and spread too thin, making it more believable when something bad does happen and they can’t just call in others to assist. It’s Cielo’s Secret done right and it’s not even the main focus. This flashback also introduces us to Derpy’s love of muffins.


Derpy arrives at the base of the Crystal Mountain where the guards drop her off. She then figures that she had best look for the flower that Magique asked her to find. Derpy finds the flowers at the base of pike that stick out of the ground and picks one. Why do I get uncomfortable Vlad the Impaler flashbacks? Also, forget about the flower for a long, LONG while, because it doesn't play much of a role here.

As she examines the mountain, she feels the gusts of wind and figures it would be too dangerous to try to fly through it with her light weight. So, instead she tries hoofing it.

Well, at least she’s smarter than the Sorceress Supreme.

As she climbs the mountain, she begins to doubt why she is even making this crazy journey.

There’s something… inside me.  Deep down, I know it’s there.  Something special about me that I just haven’t found yet.  Mama always knew it was there, she said so all the time, and if she thought it was there, well then, by the sun, moon, and stars that’s good enough for me!

The Tale of the Sun, Moon and Stars spoke of Derpy rising up and becoming an alicorn princess. That was in the sequels.

Derpy continues up the mountain and comes across a tiny village where the villagers aren’t very welcoming to her. Especially when she mentions that she is looking for Dämons Hengst.  Especially, especially when you translate the name which means Demon Stallion, I’m not all that surprised they ran.

However, Derpy runs into what appears to be the village elder who tells her to continue to climb. Derpy follows the path the old stallion told her to and finally makes it to a large citadel. Upon entering, Derpy finds Magique and Damons. Damons asks why Derpy is here.

"Uh, well, because you invited me, I guess.  I mean, Mister Magique told me that you wanted me to come, so… here I am!” Derpy offered, cracking a weak smile.

Damons: No wonder you were kicked off the show for 2 seasons. Kick her off the mountain too while you’re at it!

Okay, that didn’t really happen. But it sure would have been funny. Derpy’s actual response is…

“Well Mister Hengst, sir, I’m here because I need to be.  I’ve spent far too many years wandering about aimlessly, clumsy, the butt of everypony’s jokes,

What kind of insensitive prick would ever make fun of Derpy?

After her speech, Hengst and Derpy stare at each for five minutes… No, I’m not kidding here. Five minutes.

For a good five minutes Derpy and Dämons Hengst just stared at each other, completely oblivious to everything else around them.

What, are they having a staring contest?

Damons: You know… this would be a lot fairer of a contest if you would look at me straight on. The whole chameleon thing is throwing me off.

Derpy: I’m sorry…

Damons: Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you!

I’m a horrible pony.

Damons says that she passed her first trial and that Derpy will need some rest before she can begin in the morning.

After Derpy leaves, Damons and Magique have a conversation about what to do with Derpy and the story keeps its talking head syndrome that it displayed in the first part of the chapter. Well, at least, it’s consistent.

Derpy wakes up the next morning with Magique watching over her while she sleeps… Yeah, because… that’s not creepy in the least…

Magique explains that he let Derpy rest through half the day because what he expects of her is extremely physically and mentally exhausting and that she’ll need her strength if she is to survive. I would question why they are so relaxed about her training and not more disciplined, but the story does mention that she did climb three-fifth of a mountain (whatever that means) so I’ll let it slide.

And then, Magique goes extreme full on creeper…

Derpy raised an eyebrow.  “Were you planning on just sitting there all day watching me until I woke up?”

“Yes,” he said.  “Why?”

“Oh, no reason!”

Um… Magique… you know how stalker-ish this looks right?! Like, REALLY stalker-ish?! Why don’t you give her some space, you sick fuck?! You’re as bad as Frollo was last week!


Magique starts to explain the reason why their training is so rigorous. Each and every pony has demons within them and that in order to be effective at what they do, they need to recognize these demons and dispel them. This coming from the guy who works for a guy who’s name translates into Demon Stallion and who watches Derpy while she sleeps. I can see Derpy’s not the only one with demons to work out of her system.

Magique explains that she needs to define herself before she can make herself into the pony she wants to become. Derpy explains that she doesn’t understand. And I really do like this scene, Derpy is a little on the slow side and it shows that Magique is getting frustrated.

But at the same time, if Magique knew this about Derpy, why did he bother trying to get her?

“If only it were that simple Miss Hooves.  You are right in saying that your identity is who you are, but that does not mean that you define it, not yet at least.  Most ponies these days do not define who they are, and it is for this reason that exceptional individuals are such a rarity.

And an exceptional individual she is…

I don’t care if you’ve been dead for 700 years… ONE DAY YOU WILL BE MINE!

“Wait, what?”  Derpy blinked in surprise.  “What’s so bad about cutie marks?”

“Nothing inherently.  In and of themselves cutie marks are merely an amusing, albeit completely unnecessary, novelty of our biological makeup.But they have become a curse to ponykind, a crutch to some and handicap to others, on account of the degree to which ponies disgustingly revere them.”  


Oh, so this story is taking advice from Mykan…

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Come on, guys! It was a joke!


Okay, in the story’s defense, the story does try to make it like Cutie Marks aren’t a bad thing by themselves. It’s the psychology one has when going into a Cutie Mark. That their special talent defines them, rather than them their special talent. I admit, I do like this.

Derpy makes a speech about how she isn’t exactly clear what her Cutie Mark represents, but that she’s never been bound by it, and that she ultimately does the best she can at whatever she does in the hopes that she can discover what it means, come what may.

The most prominent example of this I can think of is Cheerilee’s cutie mark. Looking at it, by itself, it isn’t exactly clear what Cheerilee’s cutie mark is supposed to represent. You’d think that it would have something to do with gardening, but in actuality, in Cheerilee’s words…

the flowers symbolized my hope that I could help my future students bloom if I nurture them with knowledge. The smiles represented the cheer I hope to bring to my little ponies while they were learning.

Yeah, its not exactly straight forward and it probably took Cheerilee some thought to figure out, but the point is, she defined her cutie mark, not the other way around.

As the first lesson ends, Magique asks Derpy to get some rest for the more rigorous stuff later.

The next day, we get some more talking head syndrome and a really lazy feeling training sequence. The training isn’t very long, but it does feel like it was hastily rushed. Again, I understand wanting to get to the point of it all, but you could have shown us something.

But we do get some really interesting insight into the training event. Since it explains that Derpy had some ‘mishaps’ and even had completed one of the laps backwards. Again, I enjoy this story not taking itself too seriously. After all, you’re making Batman Derpy! That’s just awesome!

And again, I enjoy Magique’s reactions to Derpy’s silliness. It’s both a satire and a homage to Batman. Something that other writers have failed to do. I’m looking at you, Frank Miller!


The story continues with talking about Derpy’s training with talking about physical activities, studies into philosophy, science (including but not limited to chemistry), as well as exercises to help her wings and flight patterns.

And then we get to history military tactics. And I admit, the world building for this scene is pretty good and does fit within the story, since not only does it show tactics that Derpy will use later in the story, but it does show Derpy unable to concentrate on things that she feels she should know.

“I believe you’ll be working with Tiny Taste tonight, Miss Hooves.”

Derpy flinched at the news, growing pale as a wave of dread swept over her.

Oh feather me, that’s just perfect.

You are probably all wondering who Tiny Taste is…

Yeah… so am I.

This character has never been mentioned before, so I’m curious why Derpy is so upset by this? Was he bullying Derpy? Is he rude? Strict? Makes her do her chores while singing “The Comet Song”? What?!


It turns out that the real reason why Derpy is upset by this, is because that this is kitchen duty. Kitchen duty happens to be her worst chore. … Which begs the question, why did there need to be somepony here to begin with? I guess you do need a straight man to bounce jokes off of, but I’m curious why Derpy didn’t just ask what chore she was doing tonight?

Derpy goes to her kitchen duties and tries to make the best of it, much to her and Tiny’s dismay.

So, Chef Ramsey starts barking orders around and gets Derpy to focus on stirring oatmeal as the most harmless job he can come up with. Meanwhile, the rest of the organization are waiting for their meals to be delivered, with Magique talking about Derpy’s training and unlocking her potential.

And during this scene we get to see other members of the order discussing Derpy and what to do with her. And to be fair, the characters aren’t bad, but I would have liked to have seen them interact with Derpy before meeting them and learning their thoughts about her.

The kitchen staff arrive and when Ramsey remembers that Derpy is in the kitchen alone he darts back to find that she’s pulled a Sweetie Belle.

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So, before Ramsey can kill Derpy, Magique steps in and interrupts the two from fighting, defending Derpy, stating that she’s made mistakes and that’s she not to be judge harshly for them. Funny, that’s what Princess Celestia apparently did.

Ramsey makes Magique agree that Derpy isn’t allowed in his kitchen until she can straighten herself out. This will have new context later. After he stomps off, Magique tells Derpy to get some rest while the others rectify her situation.

Apparently, there is some kind of test Derpy has to pass in order to truly become one of them and many of the ponies are dubious about her succeeding.

Well considering her track record, I am not all that surprised.

Damn it.  Just… damn it.

Derpy! Watch your fucking language! You kiss your mother with that mouth!

Oh, that’s right… She’s dead… whoops…

It’s not fair, it’s just not fair.  It used to be I could just shake these things off, tell myself this was just my lot in life and move on.  But now, now it’s not enough.  I want to be more, I need to be more, and I just know I can be more;

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Derpy decides to get some shuteye and rest since tomorrow is ‘her day off’. However, Magique comes to her room and wakes her up, demanding that she get to work immediately. Derpy is confused by this and … even a little sarcastic…

“Flying then.  Oh great, that’s gonna be even loads more fun, thank you so very much.”

Considering what we’ve seen of Derpy’s personality until this point, this is really odd. I mean, I know she’s frustrated, but this seems a little too far fetch from what we’ve seen. Maybe if she had maybe one or two other moments of sarcasm like this beforehand, because this seems really out of left field.

Magique takes Derpy to a cave where he encounters Darth Vader…. I mean, where she is asked to fly through a number of times.

Derpy is hesitant at first, but Magique’s silver tongue comes into play and we get a really good line from Derpy.

No it doesn’t, but you’ve got a fine way of sugarcoating everything.  I bet you could make charging a hydra or tussling with a dragon sound like a walk in the park with that silver tongue of yours.

Magique: Now, you just rush up to that dragon screaming “Ooggie Boogiety Boo!” at the top of your lungs with this stick, swinging it wildly at it, while I run the other direction.

Critique: Are you sure this is a good plan?

Magique: Well, you are the best pony suited for the job of saving all of us.

Critique: You got a good point! OOGGIE BOOGIETY BOO!


Magique: … Idiot…

So, Derpy continues to fly back and forth through the cavern, each time getting more tired than the last and I can’t help but feel this is a training exercise done right, but it’s also at this point of the story that I realize how slow it’s gotten. Most of these first few chapters are just her either screwing up or talking with Magique. Not a bad thing, mind you, but I’m craving a little action in a ‘Superhero Action Story’.

She passes her test and Magique says that she is ready to face her demons. These would most likely appear in the form of parent’s who would call her offensive.

Our next chapter shows what Derpy’s been doing for the last several. Physical activities that don’t involve punching somepony. Christ, I like a good training montage, but this is painfully slow that it’s starting to get boring. Not a good step, story!

Maybe an intense action scene would spice things up. I know you want to save your cards, but you can’t expect us to trudge through the same boring training sequences forever! Throw me a fucking bone, story!

“I must say, much as I enjoy a good hike, this is a rather dull affair.  How about a story to pass the time?”

Does this story contain excitement and suspense, because this story certainly hasn’t delivered yet…

So, we get some history about the order that Derpy is being dragged in. As interesting as it probably was, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying that much attention, it’s just padding until we get to the next interesting bit. I know a story doesn’t have to be action all the time, but for fuck’s sake, have somepony hit somepony! That’d be a nice change of pace!


Honestly, it’s just an attempt to connect this order thing with Equestria’s origin and the shit that went around that. You know, you don’t have to connect everything to everything. Equestria's a big place!


I can’t say the backstory of Magpie appeals to me any more after the exposition dump truck that was just poured onto me with the Order 1886, now we have the backstory of our main antagonist. I know they go hand in hand with each other, but can’t we have the backstory of our villain and leave it at that. Christ, it would have made this chapter to a bearable length.

Miss Hooves, please, restrain yourself!” Aucune implored, forcefully cutting off Derpy before she overwhelmed herself and her mentor with an endless list of questions.  “I’m pleased that you’re so enthralled by our history,

I’m glad someone is…

“Very well then.  Where to begin?  I suppose the start’s as good a place as any.  I was born in Canterlot to an old unicorn family.  

OH, GOD! STOP!


“Miss Hooves, you’re asking about more than three decades; sorry, but if I were to recount every chapter of my life, we’d be here well into next week.

Why the fuck not?! You’ve recounted everything from Discord’s fall from power to present day! I’m sure you could work in the fucking origins of the universe like Solar Embrace while you’re at it!


The writing is all well and good, but it’s all just padding if I don’t give a shit! And, I love you story, but I don’t give a shit about your antagonist at the moment! I know I’m supposed to care, but I’m so fucking bored of the tediousness of every single chapter with the possible exception of the first one, that I’d kill for something to kill someone!

I know Batman Begins dragged things out, but I don’t think it was this much!

Hay, for all she knew some small corner of her mind might’ve known this was coming when she’d made the decision to pursue this whole crazy undertaking over a month ago.  Before that things were so much less complicated.She’d had a steady job, some good friends, and lived in a nice community; was it really all that bad?

Maybe Derpy doesn’t remember Celestia calling her offensive and locking her in a dungeon, but I certainly do. I know I won’t let it go, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around why. The story hasn’t exactly conjured up an explanation yet, and it’s at the point where it’s rather annoying. Chekhov's gun, people!

And like a blessing from the heavens and a damnantion from hell, MORE BACKSTORY TIME!


But this is completely different because it’s about Derpy! Which ends up being more of an interrogation then an actual explanation of her backstory. Magpie asks her a question, Derpy answers it. And I can’t help but feel that this backstory and the villain's backstory could have or should have been in the same fucking chapter and cut out the world building bit about the Order. Why? Because it’s boring. These dumptruck of expositions are getting rather tiring story. I want to like you. I really do, but this isn’t exactly helping!

We do eventually get an interesting bit about Derpy’s mother when a nasty storm hits her house. Derpy’s mother appears in her room and tells her to climb on her back to take her to her aunts while the storm continues.

As you can imagine, this being a Batman story and all,  it goes a bit something like this…

Yeah, it’s a Batman story. Did you guys forget? Because I certainly did. Let me remind you. THIS IS A BATMAN STORY!

But thankfully after that bit of excitement it goes straight to Derpy’s father. Who we are only now just learning about. Turns out that Derpy’s dad was kind of a prick that wanted nothing to do with Derpy.

And we are described the funeral in full fucking detail! I like my details story, but I don’t think the every little nook and cranny of the funeral is the most important detail now! We are focusing on Derpy’s father! Focus on it! I know he doesn’t show up at the funeral, but why do we need to know all the little things that happened at the funeral before we get to that point?!

I know this is supposed to be a traumatic experience, but it’s so fucking boring!

And after the flashback it talks about Derpy’s father not being there. Then where the fuck was he?! Look I know I shouldn’t take abandonment issues likely, but if we just spent a whole fucking funeral with him not there, I expect just a little scene with him and Derpy. You could still have the abandonment thing, just show us that he’s abandoned her by being distant or not even bothering to look at her.

After that, Derpy begins to explain her journey to Ponyville… Jesus… and how her job eventually landed her in prison. Really? Okay, finally we get find out how the fuck someone as innocent as Derpy was imprisoned.

“Public endangerment, actually,” Derpy sourly corrected.  “And let’s just say that I had a delivery to make to Manehattan that went down really badly.”  Aucune raised an eyebrow, provoking an exasperated eye roll from Derpy in turn.  “Really, really, really badly, OK?” she reiterated once more.

Okay… here it comes!

“I’ll take you at your word and leave it at that,” he acceded.

What?... What?!


“Thank you.  Like I said, I hit rock bottom; I mean, can’t get much worse than prison, right, especially when it’s your own incompetence and nothing else that lands you there?

HOW THE FUCK DID… Oh, never mind.

So, now Derpy must… meditate on her problems… Ugh… So, freaking slow… After what appears to be 3000 words of Derpy trying to meditate, we finally get the scene where Derpy learns that all she needed was love…

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And because of this, her eyes… straighten? … Sure…

We then get our talking head syndrome returning in full swing where I have really no idea who is talking. I assume Magpie and Derpy, but see if you can do better.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You look a little… agitated, is all.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Just a tad.”

“I guess I am a bit wound up.  Nerves, I suppose.”

Not exactly winning points, story. It turns out that an entire year has passed since the day Derpy’s eyes straightened out… STUPID… and she’s finally training in physical combat. But like a carrot dangling in front of my face, that I have honestly moved on from by now, the story decides to do a little poem reading by a character we’ve never seen before and know nothing about.

Woven in like a quilt.

It talks about the Luna Rebellion and other such shit, I don’t care. Can we just focus on fucking Batman for more than five and a half seconds?! I know you want to world build, but when you do too much world building, you lose focus of what you were doing in the first place! Look if you want to do the story of the history of Equestria, then do the story about the fucking history of Equestria! If you want to do a Batman story, DO A BATMAN STORY! When you try to tie the two together like this, you use up valuable time developing a world that Batman is going to spend very little time in. I don’t think that the way Luna and Celestia fought 1000 years ago is going to be incorporated into Batman!

We then cut to Ra’s and Magpie where they discuss how Derpy might fare against one of their top ponies in combat. Derpy finally arrives and she and her opponent have at it. A little earlier would have been nice, story!

And the story torturously draws out the intro of the fight with a gambling racket … again with characters we’ve only known for … what… a few minutes at best. I don’t think the story of Batman Begins put so much focus on Ninja number 3! Why are we focusing on these characters?! Why are we not focusing on Derpy, Magpie and Damos?! You know, the focus of the story?! We then cut to a few rules about the duel… which I have to bring into question…

And finally, abilities unique to pony races may not be employed to delay the kampfduell in any way.  Miss Hooves, that means that you may not utilize your flight to evade Brawny Charger once the kampfduell begins.  However, you may use your wings to your advantage in direct combat itself, as long as they are used to deliver or block a blow of some sort.  Beyond that, everything aside from attacks that have a high probability

… So, she gets two extra limbs to block with? … Well, that’s just earth pony bigotry!

Okay… maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I mean, it’s not like her opponent is an earth pony…

“Earth pony bias, really.  To be frank, I do think these two are pretty evenly matched.  But you can only bet on one, so when it comes down to it, I gotta go with Brawny.  Us earth ponies gotta stick together, ya know?

God damn it!


So, finally, we get to the fight scene.

The reenergized crowd, aroused from their bored state by this sudden turn of events, went wild now that a real fight was unfolding before them.

There is a metaphor in this sentence. See if you can spot it.

Derpy wins the fight and everyone cheers and Derpy thinks that nothing bad can ever happen. That’s not false either. If anything bad was going to happen, it will happen 8 chapters from now with this pacing.

So, the story turns to the point of view of Magpie, in which he speaks with his cohorts about Derpy. In the conversation, it is revealed that Damos Hengst, the Demon Stallion is none other than Magpie. While this does ruin the mystery to non-Batman fans, I can totally see why the author did this. Anyone who has already seen Batman Begins already knows how this story is going to play out and how the mystery is going to be revealed. This way the audience of the non-Batman fans catch up to those who have seen the movie.

However, I’m not sure if I entirely agree with it. While I do think that this is a move that should have been done in this situation, maybe it would have been better had he said he was the one in charge to begin with. A personal preference, but I don’t feel that him lying to Derpy about who he is accomplishes his mission any further.

Anyway, the group review Derpy’s progress over the past year and debate whether she is worthy of joining their group and learning the true purpose of what she is being trained for. It seems that over the past year, Derpy has become sort of a prodigy. Able to perform a number of tasks nearly flawlessly. And I can’t help but feel a misstep here. A small one, but something I want to address. While this is supposed to be a Batman story and I realize that Batman is a master of many things, this is also Derpy as Batman. DERPY AS BATMAN!

I would have personally liked to have seen Derpy’s screwups or weaknesses turned into her greatest strength, similar to how this story started. How she was able to klutz fight her way out of a situation or something using her handicap to her advantage, like throwing an answer to a problem that no one would have thought and have it actually work. Again, I understand where the story is coming from. It is still a Batman story and you want Derpy to be Batman. But she is still Derpy too. And I feel this was a bad step for some great character moments for her.

Again, this could just be my personal opinion seeing how we have Derpy as Batman.

Everypony praises how powerful and skilled Derpy has become. However, one of the members brings up a valid point that causes concern throughout the group.

“Sister Lightning, if you’d be so kind, I’d like you to answer a simple question for me: is Miss Hooves capable of killing?”

The group explains that Derpy has expressed how uncomfortable she is at taking a life and stating as wanting to find another way. One of the group makes the accusation that Damos (I’m calling him that from now on) is too close to Derpy and that his love for Derpy has blinded him.

Damos admits to his failings and assures the Order 1886 that he will fix this problem and explain to Derpy the reason why they are who they are.

Something I wanted to mention about this chapter is how the author claims that this chapter is slow, but actually I thought the pacing of this chapter was actually really solid. The chapter is only 5000 words long. Now, that may seem like a lot. But compared to the 30000+ words of world building we just trudged through in order to get to a decent action/intense moment, this is a well deserved break. It had some nice character moments from the extras in the order and even got us to know a little bit about what is expected of Derpy and how she’s going to have to overcome it. I can’t help but feel that some of these chapters are padded out extremely badly. But this one is one of the ones that I felt that weren’t very padded at all. Maybe a few moments, but it felt like it actually flowed okay.

So, Damos shows Derpy a suit of armor that officially means she’s part of the order. And we actually get some nice father/daughter/best friend moments between the two characters. Only this time, I feel someone concerned about it because of that moment where Damos is going to have to ask Derpy to kill. That builds up some good tension. Let’s see if it pays off.

So, Derpy starts trying on the armor and it turns out it’s been magically enchanted to fit her body perfectly. Right, and the Mare of Steel’s outfit provides her a disguise.

… Wait, it does? … Oh… magic of Equestria I guess… Yes, I broke my promise! Shut up!

A few days later, while Derpy is training in the armor, one of the members who challenged Damos authority approaches Derpy about the final test that she must surpass to become a member of the order. The member takes Derpy to the cave where she did her flying test and to a stallion who is set for execution. It turns out to be the stallion who was in charge of guarding her in the prison.

You know, something that’s just occurred to me. Unless, Derpy’s clumsiness caused the deaths of innocents, I very much doubt this will make sense. But who knows, maybe the author will surprise me.

Anyway, the order asks Derpy to execute this stallion. For … justice? Justice for what? Was he the guy who sent Derpy to prison? It just says that he was one of the wardens in charge of guarding her? It doesn’t say any injustices he did. Maybe it’s because he put her in solitary confinement? That was for the safety of the other prisoners if I remember right!

They ask Derpy to execute him for the greater good.

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However, Derpy can’t bring herself to do it, even to a pony she hates as much as the warden. She comes to the conclusion that Derpy is being tested in her vigil against such actions. She refuses to take his life and explains that she wants to be a part of the order and that the order she wants to be a part of would never kill.

And then the member slices the dude’s throat open…

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As you can imagine, Derpy doesn’t take this very well.

Quick as a flash, Derpy lunged towards Dämons and slammed a hoof into the first thing she could think of: his horn.  It was every unicorn’s weakest spot in close combat, and evidently Dämons had overlooked just how close they really were.  Before he could conjure up a shield or raise a hoof to defend himself, Derpy was already on top of him.

Yeah! Kick his ass, Derpy!


A fight ensues between the two and Derpy beats the hell out of him, knocking him out. As Derpy examines the pony's body, she starts to blame herself for the warden’s death.

Oh no.  He’s dead.  He’s really dead.  I… it’s my fault.  I could’ve saved him, but I – what did I do wrong?  Why did he kill him?  Why did I fail?  We’re the – they’re the good guys, right?  They’ve been so good to me, to so many others.  So why, why, why did he kill him?  Good guys don’t kill the defenseless.  Good guys don’t kill petty bullies.  They’re just, and fair, and – this was just cold-blooded murder.

I just don’t know what went wrong… Okay, okay, I’ll stop. I promise.

She begins to question whether or not the order had known the entire time if this is what was always meant for her. And if they did, why did they never reveal it to her. She runs off hoping to get away from the place and it’s a little heartbreaking to hear the betrayal of the order in her heart.

Meanwhile, the member that Derpy beat up wakes up and heads back to the castle to tell the order of Damos’s latest failings. That they wasted an entire year training a trainee that would ultimately never go along with their plans.

Well, he’s not exactly wrong.

Damos returns from his trip to Manehatten, pissed off that he was called there for no reason, and discovers that it was his subordinate who tricked him into leaving, so he could test Derpy without his consent.

And he discovered that Damos wasted his time training Derpy. I love it when the story does my job for me.

Damos opens up the traitors plan by explainning that while the warden was a stallion who needed to be punished for being what they stood again, he did so without trial or giving Derpy an understanding of the situation, stating that it’s not about killing ponies just to kill ponies, it’s actually about knowing why they kill ponies. A motive. Which is actually the more interesting aspects of this scene. It’s kind of cool seeing Damos picking part this asshole’s plan. Damos reveals that the traitor did all this simple because he was jealous of Damos’s authority in the order and not about Derpy. Derpy was just a tool to be used to further his plans.

And admittedly, I do like this. In another story, this guys would have attacked or tricked Derpy because he hated her. Here, he uses her and takes advantage of her to get after another. That's way more diabolic because he has no reason to use Derpy, but he does because it's convenient. And it makes the world seem more fleshed out since the world doesn't revolve around Derpy far more than the world building stuff does.

Damos knocks out the traitor and imprisons him to await judgment. He sends out his troops to find Derpy in the hopes of explaining what is happening.

Damos goes to rest with a mare named Lightning, and Damos explains that for the first time in a long time, he was happy because of how Derpy made him feel. I can’t help but think that this could have been a better spot for the villain’s backstory to be told or even hinted at. Rather than earlier. Maybe gone into a little detail at that moment in the past and then finish it here.

A personal preference mind you, but something I wanted to address.

Derpy awakens in a dark place where she wanders around trying to find her way out.

“Rise, Derpy Hooves.  It is not yet your time to relinquish this mortal coil.  You still have yet a part to play in this world.”

Critique: Lord Derpy…

:derpytongue2: Yes, master…

Critique: Rise…

A lot of Star Wars references in this one for some reason…

She continues to climb out of the darkness with a voice leading her. Oh, good. Derpy’s finally lost it. Follow the voice in your head, Derpy, I’m sure that will lead to good.

She wakes up in a village being poked at by children with sticks. Get away from her kids! She’s offensive! The two kids named Bean and Sprout are suspicious about Derpy and think that she’s dangerous. But Derpy is able to convince them by doing this…

“Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb you.  I’ll just be on my way if I’m just gonna be too much trouble for ya; I certainly wouldn’t want to get you into any trouble with your parents, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you talking to any strangers.”  She continued on her way, though her steps were heavy and listless.

And there’s the PSA for stranger danger, kids. Don’t talk to strangers, unless they tell you not to.

Derpy asks where Manehatten is and the kids point out the directions. Before Derpy can leave however, the children offer Derpy to stay at their house to get some rest and some food. Derpy refuses saying that she needs to get going for fear of the group of murderers that would bring terror to the family if she did.

Derpy leaves the family behind and starts to make her way back to Manehatten where her adventures will eventually continue, but for now, that’s all we have.

And that was ACT 1 of Batmare Begins….

THIS STORY…


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is actually not that bad.

While I can’t judge it as a whole because it isn’t finished yet, from what I read, there is a solid story here and some great talent and passion behind it.

The character of Derpy and Damos is well established and they play off the relationship they have for each other very well. You really get a sense of the daughter/father bond the two have for each other.

While I would have liked a little more with Derpy and her mother, what we got wasn’t terrible at all. Just a little less than I would have liked. The chemistry they had was very strong and it is easy to see why Derpy has problems accepting her death.

The father was pretty much a joke in the first act. He ultimately has no role in this story, except to abandon Derpy. This wouldn’t bother me as bad if we had actually seen this and this wasn’t the huge motivation for why Derpy is upset.

We don’t learn anything about why Derpy was arrested or put in jail for any crimes she had. We still have questions on that. And any explanation I’ve come up with doesn’t really make a lot of sense. I realize she was only in prison for a day, but the fact that a court allowed that, despite her handicap was a bit headscratching.

I’m not ultimately fond of her eyes straightening out thing and the focus of this story about Derpy being Batman does not touch on the Batman elements enough for me.

And the pacing… The pacing of this thing is really bad in the middle of the First Act. It drags on ridiculously bad with a lot of world building features at once. And while they are all written well, I can’t say that enough of them have to do with what is going on right now. The villain's backstory was fine and Derpy’s story was good. But the story of Discord and Sombra have very little to do with Derpy and what she goes through. Maybe they come into play later, but the way I see this going, if Batman Begins is any indication, I don’t see why this couldn’t have waited.

Now, with all that said, I still think this is a very decent start. It has good characters, very well written descriptions, a relatable antagonist, a good relationship between characters. Some of the dialogue is very solid, especially between Derpy and Damos. Honestly, the story of these two bring this story to life.

The way they play off each other and the way the respond to each other are very entertaining. Derpy is entertaining and cute and shows a lot of competence while still feeling like Derpy for the most part.

The training sequences are fun, even if a couple of them do drag on and the fight was kind of entertaining.

The character of Damos is an interesting take of Ra’s Al Ghul. He is a much more charismatic, almost silly character. It’s different, but not in a bad way. In fact, it makes it much easier to understand why he took a liking to Derpy. I don’t think this would have worked if the character was written like Ra’s Al Ghul. This actually makes more sense the way the story did it.

Overall, it’s flawed, but it shows a lot of potential with a great writer and it’s one that I do hope to come back to when it is finished. If you can stand 30000+ words of world building, this fic has plenty of good to offer.

And that was Batmare Begins… I hope you all enjoyed it.

But now it’s time for me to prepare for my next review. Computer, what’s next on the agenda?

Sequel September.

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Sequel September: The Uprising: A Sequel

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I can’t believe Sequel September is already here!


I cannot believe you held that for a whole week.

Can we just skip over this month? Just pretend I did it and just never mention it.

I would highly recommend against that. Ponies are already expecting it.

You guys are really going to make me do this, aren’t you?

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Ugh… Fine…

Hello, everypony. Welcome to Sequel September. For those of you new to this, Sequel September is where I take a look at sequels to stories that I didn’t even like in the first place, hoping that in the pile of shit that was the last one, there is a diamond just waiting to get out. Sadly, no diamonds this month. However, we do get to visit some fics that I hated before and we get to revisit the reasons why I hated them.

And we’re starting off this month with The Uprising: A Sequel

Yes, The Uprising got a fucking sequel. Because, apparently it needed it. For those of you who don’t remember that story, allow me to fill you in.

The Uprising is about a young stallion, who is no doubt a homegrown terrorist in Equestria, who believes that Celestia is evil because of a website he found online about it. Yes, the internet apparently is a thing in this Equestria. And what evidence does he have to back up this claim?

Well, he uses the argument that Nightmare Moon could have been handled another way. ‘What way,’ you might be asking? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! The story never answers. It just says that Nightmare Moon could have been handled in a way other then sending her to the moon in the hopes of getting better so that the demonic forces that possessed her causing her to hate to be weakened enough to be banished. The answer this whole time probably was that Nightmare Moon needed to be put in timeout.

Another point the story attempts to make that Celestia is evil and has always been evil is with Discord being turned to stone, pointlessly. Yes, how dare Celestia and Luna use the Elements of Harmony to turn Discord to stone so he couldn’t harm any of the subjects they are responsible for protecting and making sure they are safe! How fucking dare they! They have no right to protect the ponies… they are supposed to … protect… wait…

Yeah, the reasons for hating Celestia in this are rather bullshit. The only thing that even remotely made Celestia a villain was when she imprisoned Rainbow Dash for raising the sun with her Sonic Rainboom. I think that idiotic sentence speaks for itself.

Anyway, Eliot as he is called makes a YouTube video and gets all of Equestria on his side with a 5 second video claiming how he’s better than Celestia and you should totally vote for him. Not realizing that absolute monarchies don’t vote for their leaders. Celestia’s in charge. Shut up and deal with it.

But yeah, he causes ponies to rebel against Celestia, even though most ponies have little to no reason to rise against her, but hey, if Celestia can lock up Rainbow Dash for the dumbest of dumb reasons, anything is possible.

Eliot is killed during the attack, but is just used as a martyr for the uprising. The ponies overthrow Celestia and start a new government, where the stable country that Celestia has built for more than 1000 years crumbles to the ground within a couple of years, because of some idiot with a webcam.

Okay, I made up that last part, but that’s what should happen in this story. Will it? Quick answer: No. The longer answer…

When Eliot Shine mysteriously rises from the dead. He begins to look for answers regarding his return. Meanwhile, his friend leaves to take the Cloudsdale Flight exam, and his Marefriend finds another. How will Eliot cope with this new life he's awoken.

So, not only is Eliot a martyr, but he is also Jesus. I haven’t even started this guys. This is just the description before you even read the story. I’m not excited for this one. I really am not.

Also, I’m glad the friend and the marefriend from the last story will finally get some development. I’m glad the author knows what the fuck Chekhov's gun is, but you think you could have put that gun in the SAME FUCKING STORY THEY WERE FUCKING INTRODUCED IN!

You realized we haven’t even started this thing yet. And I’m already using caps… This is going to hurt… a lot…

Here Lies Eliot Shine An Inspiration, A Hero ,A Friend.

A terrorist who put Equestria into ruin by overthrowing the only ruling body without actually knowing anything about politics. No plan to actually solve any of the problems surrounding the current government. No financial plans, no way of solving political treaties that Equestria has made under Celestia’s rule, no way of upholding the law since you’ve imprisoned/killed all the guards whose only crime was that they were loyal to Celestia.

You can start to see how much I hate this story. We are only on the first sentence and already I want to shove my head down a toilet to see something better.

Apparently, this story takes place three weeks after the events of the first Uprising. Equestria is still standing thanks to the author holding it up by the power of not giving a shit. You know, for a story that’s supposed to be a political jab, it sure doesn’t know shit about politics. I’m not exactly an expert myself, but then again, I’m not writing the political satire story.

Admittedly, we do get some decent descriptions about Eliot’s gravesite, but then I have to take away that slight praise due to the god awful grammar and spelling.

It had been three weeks since Shine had been buried. Friends and Family constantly visited his gravesite to mourn their lost Colt. But tonight held no visitors. It was quiet. The dew on the grass shimmered in the pale moonlight. The only sounds that could be heard where the gentle gusts of warm summer wind, and the pitter patter of rain against the tombstones and ground.

Oh, so Family and Friends came to visit them. I like Family and Friends. Those guys are two of my bestest friends in the entire world. But that Colt guy? Fuck him, he’s shit!


Also, I think the only sounds that could be heard WERE the gentle groans of the audience.

We then cut to our next scene with the poor scene changes that I expect from this story with no indication that we’ve switched scenes to see…

It was a beautiful day, just as always. Eliot flew through the everlasting sky, feeling the wind flow through his mane, and across his face. Shine had woken up in this supposed Paradise more than three weeks ago. He had spent his time soaring through the skies, the sun shone bright. But it couldn't hurt Shine's hazel eyes. It was the perfect place. But this was not Equestria. He found himself a big puffy cloud to rest on. Shine landed with a soft thud, and found an upward hill to lie down on.

So, as you have guessed, Eliot is in Pony Heaven. I guess bringing ruin to a country and pointlessly causing the deaths of thousands is a good thing in the eyes of Lauren Faust. There we meet another pointless character who receives little to no development time because he’s not named ‘Eliot Shine’, Charplet. Charplet is a changeling.

Well, that’s enough of her. Let’s go back to Eliot. He starts to miss Equestria even though he is in fucking paradise and time and space shouldn’t matter, but whatever, I’m willing to buy this as long as nothing stupider comes along. It turns out Pony Heaven is rather bare with very few ponies actually going.

Wow, this story just wants us to love this Eliot Shine, doesn’t it? After the hate the first one got, this story must have just written everything under the sun to get us to like the character. Except for a likable personality.

So, Eliot and Charplet continue to search for more ponies to find in Pony Heaven. However, before they can get very far, Charplet commits one of the seven deadly sins. Unfortunately, it’s not the one that drives a battle axe through Eliot’s stupid face, like I would have liked to have seen. It’s lust.

"You wan't to have some... Fun?" Charplet asked nervously.

Apparently, Lauren Faust is very lax about some of the ways you get into Pony Heaven and yet only two ponies are in Pony Heaven. This story could use a Monty Python God.

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And, like the likable protagonist that we all know he is, he explains why in Pony Heaven, there is no need for sexual pleasure. Because they have transcended the needs of normal ponies to find eternal bliss in…

I’m just kidding. He fucks her brains out.

Yes, this character who we are introducing in this story, is the ultimate sexual fantasy character. As a changeling, she can apparently grow whatever body part she needs to fulfill the author’s sexual desire. What, that’s how it would go with the logic of that ‘Incredibly long titled story that’s always a bitch to bring up in conversation because of how lengthy the title is’.

I’ve really got to stop referencing that story.

"It is if we are together the whole time!" Charplet was getting desperate. "I can use my abilities to fufill any sexual fantasies of yours."

My sexual fantasy is for you to turn into a proofreader. THIS STORY COULD FUCKING USE ONE!


And we get one of the many lines that our characters spout out during intercourse.

"Umm." Was all he was able to get out.

It’s clear he has no idea what he’s doing. That thing between your legs goes into that shredder in the kitchen sink.

So, after a few minutes of the two getting hot, believe me it’s nowhere near as exciting as it sounds, it turns out that Eliot is coming back from the dead and can’t have weird Changeling sex with Sex Toy. We then get a rushed backstory of Sex Toy for some fucking reason. I guess the story felt it needed closure there.

*COCKBLOCK*

And we are all praising God that we did.

Thank god that character wasn’t the least bit insulting to every decent female character ever written, otherwise the story creating a female character just for the purpose of having sex with the main character would have been really, really stupid.

Eliot wakes up in his coffin several feet underground. And it’s at this point that I can enjoy the story. God resurrected Eliot, just so he could kill Eliot in a slow and painful way that would scar him for all eternity. Great idea, God.

Unfortunately, before Eliot can suffocate, he manages to slip his wings through the door to the coffin and unlock it. Okay, what?

Eliot flipped over onto his hooves, not being able to stand. He flared the feathers of his wings, and managed to squeeze one between the slit between the lid of the coffin. With all of Shine's might, the coffin lock cracked off!

Shine then pushed the lid open, having great difficulty. When it opened half way, he scrapped the soggy, bu infested soil into the coffin with him. Making sure to leave an air pocket. Eliot began to dig upwards towards the surface. He was beaming with confidence!

Okay, how the hell was he able to slip his wings through the slit when a thousand pounds of dirt is sitting right on top of him?! There is no way he could have fucking slipped his wings through the crack enough to move around freely?! What, did Celestia put a forcefield around the fucking coffin, in case he mysteriously came back to life?!


As you can imagine, Eliot harnesses the power of ‘Fuck you, I’m the main fucking character, bitch’ to escape being buried alive.

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He makes his way to the surface where he stays in the Everfree Forest until he figures out why he’s suddenly Jesus.

The sun slowly started to rise over the horizon.

"Beautiful sunrise as always, Celestia." Eliot whispered to himself, slightly forgeting about what happened between Celestia and him.

This is the part of the story where we are supposed to make Eliot the good guy. Did you guys catch that? I hope so. Because this totally justifies him destroying a country and overthrowing a benevolent ruler.

… Seriously, you’re a stupid fucking character, Eliot.

After spending the night in the forest, he heads into town where he decided to meet with throwaway background characters like Pipsqueak and Berry Punch before moving on to the only characters that matter. The main six.

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Oh, come on. I pick on them all the time! I’m cutting them a break!

After meeting some more characters, Eliot decides to head home and explain to his parents why he was an idiot so they can ground him from his computer privileges. Of course there is the little detail of how only a night ago, YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD.

The parents take it about as well as you’d expect…

When Eliot had arrived home, he had knocked on the door, instead of just walking in, like he normally did. He was greeted at first by his mother, her yellow coat, and purple mane, all to familiar. But when she truly seen who it was. She became light headed, and dropped onto the cold wooden floor. Eliot tried to wake her, she was out like a light!

Well, it is the most realistic reaction to the character so far. I like this mom character.

Mom, since she never gets a name, doesn’t believe that her son is actually alive and believes that it’s a changeling that is lonely or something. However, Eliot is able to convince her with this…

"If I was a Changeling. I would not know this: The final words I said to you where 'I'll see you at lunch. Love you.' Convinced?"

No, I certainly am not convinced. I read the previous story and you don’t even have a conversation with your mother, let alone say any of the lines in that last sentence. Your mother doesn’t even make an appearance in the last fucking story!

And why the hell would she remember what the last words you said where?!

So, Eliot asks how long it’s been since he was killed and mom gives us the information that the timeline in this is as fucked as Frank Miller’s.

"Four and a half weeks. But when did you... Wake up?" She opened more answers to Eliot.

Even though one of the first sentences of the story said that only three weeks had past. Even in the Pony Heaven portion, he mentioned having been there three weeks. Now, you might be saying. ‘Hey, maybe he spent more time in the forest than we thought…’

"Last night. Why?" Shine replied.

And just to fuck with the timeline some more, this morning he meets with his mother to tell her he’s back from the dead. He leaves her house after a brief conversation-

"There's no way. You would have breathed all of the oxygen out of the coffin in an hour." Eliot's mother expained, getting suspicious again. Eliot got up.

"I'm headed out. To get answers. I'll see you later." Shine left the house, leaving his confused mother all alone again.

Eliot flew over Ponyville after dark to avoid attracting unwanted attention.

-And it’s suddenly fucking nighttime! There are not enough Doctors in the universe to fix this fucked up timeline. That or Luna is pissed about not being an important enough government official to be bitched about. Don’t worry, Luna. I’ll get to you later this month. Trust me, you’ll be stupid enough in that story.

Eliot decides to get some answers and figures that the best place to start is Twilight Sparkle. He flies over to the library where he knocks on the front door.

He soon landed at the door of the library, where Twilight Sparkle resided. He knocked on the door. He heard voices inside.

Who is at the door this late?

I dunno.

… You’re at the door, stupid… Oh, wait, is that supposed to be someone else talking? How am I supposed to tell?! There is nothing to indicate that since it’s the exact same as the rest of the narration! Use your fucking quotation marks! It’s what they're good for!


The door opened, revieling a Purple Unicorn, with an even darker purple mane, her violate eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

Oooo… Her eyes can violate me any time.

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Jesus… two words that I never thought I’d hear Twilight say… outside of crappy fan fiction…

Twilight freaks out that Eliot is alive, not an unfounded reaction, and claims that Eliot shouldn’t be. Eliot asks why then he is alive, and Twilight says she’ll do some research and get back to him. Of course, having heard of the crimes Eliot has committed against Equestria, Twilight does the only sensible thing…

Pfft, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,... Sorry, and not tell Celestia about the guy who destroyed all the work she’s done for 1000+ years has somehow come back from the dead. And then literally the next line...

Shine had to wait two days before he received a letter that appeared out of a green flame.

Dear Eliot Shine. Come down to the library immediately! I have come up with a few theories on how you could be alive.

-Twilight Sparkle.

Because fuck pacing!

Twilight says that because Celestia’s horn was glowing when she killed Eliot, that means he now has regeneration like Wolverine…

Lord almighty, I have not enough smarts to make up something so incredibly stupid...

"The Princess's magic is some of the most powerful in Equestria. It must have been involentary, caused by extreme stress." Twilight explained. "It's possible that it could of been healing magic. See. When she stabbed you, some of the magic must have gotten inside of you.

So… she wanted to kill him… by healing him? Fuck it… I don’t even care… See, I’m under the theory that the story didn’t give a shit about this … piece of information that was not only not introduced in the previous story, but is so ‘pulled straight out of my ass at the last second’ bad that there is no way any effort was put into this. The author just threw his cat at his keyboard and it somehow produced this.

So, in an even more ‘whatever’ brand of storytelling, Eliot decides to go and visit Princess Celestia learn the truth. Celestia, big shock, is understanding towards Eliot and apologizes for stabbing him and murdering her subjects and locking Rainbow Dash in prison for ultimately stupid reasons. She was wrong and she has learned her lesson. All thanks to your YouTube video. You are truly the greatest pony that ever lived Eliot Shine.

Very well put, sir.

Oh, I’m not done yet. I’m not done. Eliot Shine, you are truly the master pony! Everypony inconsequential compared to you and your magnificence! Some bronies like Rainbow Dash because of her confidence, her talent, and fearless attitude! Fuck them! Some bronies like Fluttershy for her sweet demeanor and her kindness! Fuck them too! Some bronies like Derpy or Octavia for the sheer potential of who these characters are by the subtle details given to us in the show itself! Fuck every single one of those fuckers! The only pony worth loving is you, Eliot Shine! You are the only pony worth anything to anyone! And I hope every single brony reading this gets an ass full of your dick!

Sir, you can stop now. We get the point.

Because that is how little they matter compared to you! You are so magnificent and more intelligent than characters that have been working for years and years to become clever! And you just do it because you are amazing! Any brony who calls you ‘shit’ is clearly lying to themselves and is just jealous of your greatness and how much of a great pony you fucking are!


GAH! SON OF A BITCH! THAT HURT!

If you had stopped when I told you to....

So, yes. Celestia now loves Eliot and holds no grudges against him. Yay. Can we go now? No, of course not. There is so much more shit the story can throw at us to waste more of our time.

A week later, Eliot thinks about why, since he is a Pegasus, does he live in Ponyville. And rather than just saying, because he fucking felt like it, we need to have a huge backstory that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"You're great, great Uncle. A long time ago, he failed his flight exam due to a large gust of wind. I'm assuming you know that failed Pegasi are exiled from Cloudsdale. Our ancestors went to find him. Wherever he went. We followed the direction that the carriage of shame traveled. But he was nowhere to be found. After almost a year of searching. We had to assume the worst. Then about a few months after the search was called off. His son failed the exam on purpose! To find his father. He was never seen again, not after he exited through the west gate. After my mother was born as a crippled flyer, our ENTIRE family vowed to leave Cloudsdale. And never return." She explained with great difficulty.

Yeah, apparently when you fail your flight exam in Cloudsdale, you don’t get grounded up into rainbows, you just get banished from Cloudsdale forever. And forget that scene ever happened because it has no relevance with anything.

Also, you can really tell this was very difficult for her to talk about. She says it all in one breath without any hint of emotion.

That night, he, for some reason, can’t sleep and goes to his computer to see his YouTube video. No doubt to masterbate to himself. And then we get a comment that says how much he cares about his fans.

When the Youtube page opened, he was greeted with heart warming comments to the video. Such as: RIP, This Colt's dead?, No. He's alive., Rest in Peace my friend. Equestrian Hero.

"Didn't the message get through anyponies skulls? I'm fine." Eliot moan in his half asleep voice.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, you just insulted the people who made you a hero, made statues in your honor and mourned your death. … FUCK YOOOOOOOOOU!


So, anyway, he watches his video and we get a few choice words from his point of view that I think is supposed to make him sympathetic, rather than just pathetic.

I mean. Remember that night, so long ago? When Celestia lost it? She used Ponyville as a playground for her... Pleasures. I seen her violating an animal care taking Pegasus right above my house. After she was stopped. That was it! Everything just went back to normal, and everypony pretended that it was a bad dream. Oh ya. Then her sister does the same thing, about two weeks after. Look at the trouble she got in! Equestria is not as glamorous as we like to think.

Eliot remembered the word coming from his mouth, almost clearly. If he had not of done that video. He would of never been killed. But nopony would be saved from harsh treatments either. Shine balanced it out in his mind as fair.

Yeah, that’s a completely different speech than what was in the first one! And your reasons for bringing the uprising was between Nightmare Moon and Discord! Not some fucking Pegasus! We never fucking saw any of that! Unless this story is trying to reference Princess Molestia, without any fucking prior mentioning of that!

Jesus, this story has no focus, does it?!

Oh, yeah. It really balances out, by the way. What with you coming back to life, while everyone else is dead?! Oh, yeah! I can see that!


And you want to know what the worst part about all this is, this event in the story means nothing! There is no reason for this part to be in the story! It makes no sense to have it here since it literally amounts to absolutely nothing!

The next day, because pacing is a myth in this story, Eliot goes to school … and literally a sentence later he is home from school…

The schoolday was long, boring, and filled with death related questions aimed at himself. Shine came home, stressed out! He trotted down the bland hallway to his room. He shut the door behind himself. He was alone in the place where he resided the most. Just how he liked it. Shine was glad that it was a thursday today. So he wouldn't have to spend an entire five days in that hellhole of a school.

Yes, how dare they be curious about a phenomenon that doesn’t ever happen! Readers, know that this school is clearly evil because it has the audacity to ask questions! … And … nothing else… … Are we sure this is just some paranoid pony who thinks that the world is out to get him? Because that would make this story slightly more interesting.

When he gets to his room, he hears a noise above him where he finds that Sex Toy is in his ceiling. It turns out that God wanted him to have sex with Toy and they proceed to do so. But before he can slide his dick in her, in comes the ex-girlfriend...

"Shine! Who is this! And what do you think you are doing!" A very angry voice came from the hallway. Shine and Charplet both cringed. charplet lifted herself off of Eliot.

*COCKBLOCK*

Yes, because it was sooooo funny the first time!

Youtube Video

And no one likes this story either.

Yes, the ex-girlfriend who had about half a sentence of time devoted to her in the last story, makes an appearance now. And why, you might be asking? Because she’s Sex Toy number 2. I’m not even kidding. The girls decide to argue over who gets to take away Eliot’s virginity. You know, like real girls would and not holes you stick your dick into. And Eliot, likable character that he is, comes up with a brilliant plan.

"Which ever one of you fine ladies can give me the best blowjob, can take me first." Shine pervertedly said.

And as I said, since our characters are Sex Toys rather than actual characters, they, of course, agree to being used like toilet paper. After the two give him his blowjob, Eliot declares Sex Toy the winner. Honestly, it doesn’t matter which Sex Toy, they’re both the same thing as far as the story is concerned. And then they have sex, since that is all this story is good for.

And our story ends with this…

-One month later.

Eliot had finished the school year with flying colors. Everypony had excepted his return. Him and his two lovers, where with him quite frequently. His friends had returned to him. This was going to be an amazing summer.

Fan-fucking-tastic. And then we get an Epilogue about his friend who failed his flight exam. A friend who we have never seen before, never met before, Eliot has never talked about, never had a conversation with before, and never had anything to do with this story whatsoever.

I guess the story forgot to write the friend character in the story so it had to quickly pull a scene out of his ass in less than five minutes. …

…

…

…

…

..

…

…

Is it hard to see why this story only has 41 views and yet, 22 dislikes?

What was the fucking point of this story? Why did this story need to exist? What was accomplished? What was overcome? What in the world did this story do for me?

The answer… nothing. There is no reason this story was written. This story has no business even taking up space in any library. Seriously, what was accomplished? Eliot comes back to life… and then he has sex. … That’s it. There is no conflict. The character has achieved nothing. Learned nothing. And will hopefully find a black hole and disappear into nothing.

And what’s worse? This has nothing to do with the Uprising! Yeah, it mentions the Uprising! But it doesn’t further the cause of it, show any kinds of consequences, or anything that happens as a result of the Uprising in the first place!


It’s just a glass case to show how amazing Eliot Shine is! That’s it! I suppose I’m not suppose to take this seriously, seeing how it is a comedy, but the only signs of humor we get in this story is the *COCKBLOCK* parts, which frankly weren’t that funny to begin with.

And the idea to turn this into a sex story is rather baffling. I assume that the story saw how bad the other story was received, trying to be more serious. So it decided to make a porn story in the hopes that it would get more popular. If so, you fail.

In the end, ultimately forgettable and a waste of your and my time. You know what won’t be a waste of your time? Next week’s review, because unfortunately for me… Sequel September is just starting…


Sequel September: The High Road 2


Hello, everypony. I am Computer.

Many of you might recall my review of the High Road over a year ago. A time when my master was unable to fulfill his reviewing duties. Those of you unfamiliar with the High Road, allow me to give you some information before we begin.

The original High Road was a story about a brony who has Rainbow Dash come to his world. A truly innovative idea. In a world where ‘My Little Dashie’ never existed. The two start to develop feelings for one another and they eventually become boyfriend/marefriend. One would believe that this would lead to some sort of beastiality, but Twilight invents a watch that can transform Rainbow Dash back and forth between a pony and a human.

A watch that is swiftly forgotten about and Rainbow Dash can do it at will for really no reason whatsoever. I guess the watch somehow rewrote her DNA when Twilight was not looking. During her stay in the human world, Rainbow Dash suffers nightmares and eventually is kidnapped and murdered. The main character, Riley, becomes depressed with the human world and decides to move to Equestria.

He is transformed into a pony by Twilight and a few days later, Rainbow Dash appears with no explanation of how she survived and they live happily together in Equestria.

So, I cannot imagine how or why there is need for a sequel to this. However, the fact is, there is. And I am going to-

Um… what the fuck are you doing?!

... … … Reviewing the The High Road 2.

Uh… No, you’re not.

Sir, I reviewed the first one. I think I should review this one.

Let’s get one thing clear, the only reason you reviewed that one was because I was incapacitated! And frankly, I’ve seen your review of it and you were too nice to it.

And how would you have done it? Said the ‘f’ word a hundred times.

… I … Well… shut up.

Shall I review this one?

No! You’re not stealing my thing from me!


Sir, I insist.

Huff… Okay, look… It’s obvious you’re not going to let this go. And I still have boredom to kill off. How about, just this once, we review this stinker together?

A … review? W-With you?

If it will get you to stop yelling at me for five minutes, sure.

Excuse me for a second…

Well, this is…

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!

You okay over there?

Um… yes?

Okay then… This is the review of High Road 2: Nightmares. Well, at least the title is honest… I will be having nightmares after reading this.

Not helping is the fact that, on average, each chapter of this story is approximately 388 words long. With the longest chapter being 711 words.

You’re fucking kidding me…

I am not.

Well, I guess pacing is going to be a non-issue in this story. Look, I’m not saying that a story has to be 8 billion words to be a good story. I’ve read some good stories that were only a couple thousand words long, but for fuck’s sake, could we please at least try a little bit, like you did in the last one?

You might want to read the disclaimer before making the judgment that the story ‘tried’ in the last one.

Ok, before I begin:

The first High Road was a troll, and I wanted to use the first entry to fuck with my friends, TheGamers (GameGroup). There ARE reasons why I kept them as 1, 2, etc.That was because I wanted to protect their identities. That is another reason why it is horribly written. I was also a closet brony at the time, and wanted to keep myself from being exposed, THAT is another reason why the first isn't that good, just saying... Ok, let us begin!

… Oh, you have got to be shitting me!

I am not. The story just told us that the first entry in the High Road Trilogy is in fact a troll fic. … Evidence to the contrary that I would like to bring to your attention. If this was truly something to mess with your friends, the first line in the first story was…

My name is Riley, I am a brony. I am in a clan of gamers who play just to have fun.

Your first line states that you came ‘out of the closet’ as it were. Second, 25000 words is a lot of words to waste on a project you do not care about. Granted, there were things that clearly stated that you do not care about this project. And while you did outright say it was a troll in the comment of the first story, you also claimed that it turned into something more for you.

So, why would you spend so much fucking time on something that was a troll fic in the first place?! Anyway, whatever the reason for his change of heart, we now have him trying his absolute damnedest to make something enjoyable for everyone. Will we succeed?

I would recommend against holding your breath.

Chapter 1: The Terror Begins

…

…

…

…

No… it’s too easy…

Ok, so Rainbow and I have been living with each other for a good year now, and we are really happy together.

I am so glad we were shown that. Were you sir?

Oh, of course. I mean, that’s like showing how happy me and my brother get along together. Couldn’t you just tell from the nothing I showed you guys? If you couldn’t, there’s something wrong with you! Go in a hole and die!


Because driving the point to absurdity makes it funnier.

Hey, it’s about all I’ve got as far as humor.

Yeah, we REALLY miss Earth, but it doesn't matter.

Miss Earth? Why? In the last story, you were lining up to get off the fucking planet! Granted, we’re happy you left, but there is no reason for you to be missing Earth!

This would have some kind of context if the story would explain what they missed about it, like the main character’s family, friends or even the video games like Guitar Hero or Minecraft that he used to play. But there is never any mention of it or anything that he could possibly miss about Earth.

Why don’t you call him by his name?

Not worth remembering.

Oh…

However, before they can paint a picture of their perfect life together and by painting a picture I mean, give any sense of what their life is like together, the main character decides to tell us that he and Rainbow Dash are having nightmares.

The fucking nightmares, her ticks are coming back, and now I'M having them. They're like my picture of hell. And Dash tells me that hers are like her picture of hell, too.

Ah, yes, because nightmares are apparently contagious. As are ticks. … And personal hells? I guess this is like the flu from the other story. It’s only contagious around certain ponies or when the plot demands it.

Speaking of ticks…

Youtube Video

Computer!


What? I thought you liked ‘The Tick’?

I do… But I don’t want them to know that…

So, he wakes up after his nightmare where he kills Rainbow Dash. Really? Because to get out of this story, I’m sure Rainbow Dash would consider that a dream come true.

As we move through the 300 word chapter, there are a couple of things that need to be noted as issues with this story. You would not be able to tell from these tidbits, but I will give you a full paragraph to show you the problem.

Yesterday, I had a nightmare that had a sequence of Rainbow's dead body in the bed next to me, and when I noticed, I i found out that I had did it. In the dream, I killed her. I woke up, and screamed so loud that Rainbow woke with a fright too. "What? What happened?!" Rainbow asked me. "Rainbow, I just had the worst nightmare. Fuck, I don't want to sleep! I can't fucking sleep!" I whispered to her, trying to let her know just how terrified I was. "You know what? How about we just go outside, and just fly around, okay?" she asked as she was trembling. "You okay?" I asked, noticing how nervous she looked.

If your issue with this was that there is no new paragraph when a new speaker starts, then you are on the same page we are. It becomes cluttered and confusing who is speaking when you layer the dialogue of each character on top of each other like this.

Yeah, and what’s with all the swearing? I don’t remember this in the first story! Why would you try so hard to censor out swear words in the last one like ‘bitch’ because that is what it was supposed to be and let drop the ‘f’ bomb four times in a single chapter! Maybe I’m thinking about this too much, but there was not this level of profanity before this. Did the story just decide to swear up a storm to make the story edgier?

Don't worry, I had a nightmare, too. They suck, but there's no control over them" She said.

She described the dream. It was horrible, she said that our five friends were found to be killers, and that they were going to kill us. "Okay, that's scary. I'm sorry." I said to her in sympathy. "It's okay." she said.


Well, I am glad that Rainbow Dash described the dream of ‘Why Did I Do This?’ to you. Now might you perform the same for us?

Believe me, we’re better off not knowing.

Also, interesting thing to note. We just gave you the entire first chapter. Save for maybe a sentence or two, we just gave you the entire first chapter of this story. That is how much ‘trying his damndest’ his story is worth at this point.

Apparently, ‘his damndest’ was even less effort thrown in than the troll fic. Because… if people hated his story because he intentionally made it bad, maybe somehow making it intentionally worse will make it come full circle.

Oh, we’re coming back to that one.

As they fly around Ponyville, the main character asks a question… that he should already know the answer too.

"Rainbow? What are your nightmares about?" I asked.

… Um… did you not just answer that question last chapter? I recall stating that our main character is not very bright. … I stand by that statement.

Rainbow Dash and the main character trade dreams with each other, arguing back and forth about who had the worse dream.

Well, I had a dream about scorpions climbing in my through my nose and eating my organs!


Well, I had a dream about dinosaurs replacing kitchen appliances and taking over the world with evil magic rugs!

Well, I had a dream about Godzilla in a tutu riding a giant robot italian sub destroying New York while singing the Comet Song!

Well, I dreamed that Fox is giving Fant4stic a sequel.

Okay… point you.

We then get a scene where Fluttershy breaks into Rainbow Dash’s home and eats Rainbow Dash like a fucking vampire. However, it’s told to us beforehand that this is a dream, so it’s pretty much fucking pointless.

"Fluttershy, what the hell are you doing." Rainbow asked. I was dreaming. This is what was happening in my dream, or my nightmare. "NOOOO." Rainbow said, as Fluttershy ripped her open, and ate her insides.

And even if it was not spoiled that it was a dream beforehand… where would you go with this? It is a waste of our time since it is not real to begin with.

So, our next chapter sees our characters having a nightmare about reenacting a scene from Cupcakes but with all of the main six instead of just Pinkie Pie. There is really no point to this except to show more gore porn. And it’s pretty much just the author living out his sexual fantasies by having Pinkie Pie making the main character and Rainbow Dash her own sexual puppets to play with.

I DON'T ENCOURAGE CLOPPING, but the sex was to make it worse than it was originally was. Trust me, it was HARD to write. (Besides, could have been worse)

… That’s not clopping, you idiot. That is rape.

Oh yes. You truly are trying your ‘damndest’ to make the best story possible.

Again, I know it’s a dream and I probably shouldn’t harp on this, but I’m going to anyway. This ‘Oh, it could have been worse, so that makes it okay’ bullshit doesn’t change the fact that writing about rape without any knowledge about it is stupid and tasteless!

Something else that you will probably notice though this story is that the dreams seem to be the only thing in this story. The story has no plot. It is just a series of gore porn by the author that does not connect to anything that is happening to the characters. And it does not show us the characters reactions to the dreams outside of the bedroom. We never see how it affects their jobs, or their everyday life. I realize that the main character might not have a job (Because he is so special), but Rainbow Dash still is a weather pony. Should that not affect her job?

Oh, but it does.

It does?

Oh, yes. Would you like to see?

Am I going to be disappointed?

If the answer was yes?

If we must…

We would not even sleep because we were terrified of all of the night terrors. All of the ponies told us to sleep, because it would be bad if we didn't. We didn't listen to them. We had to be rushed to the hospital, and were at the point to where we almost died. Soon, we started to hear voices, then we both had to be rushed to an asylum, where they did treatment, then they just came to the conclusion of us being terrified of the dreams. Our friends try and help us, but it doesn't do anything for us.

Yes, apparently a paragraph of these incredibly important details about how these dreams are affecting our main characters are far less valuable than gore porn that would make “The Secret Life of Rarity” tell them to calm the fuck down.

I mean, it’s not like we would have wanted to see the friends talking to them, or them being rushed to the hospital or pretty much anything that would have added actual intrigue to the characters or anything resembling a plot!

The plot moves so fast that you are barely able to figure it out before it’s over! It’s like the story thinks that if it stops for a second it will lose what little audience it has! The story can’t pick a scene and develop it to save it’s life!


We soon figure out what it was that is causing Rainbow Dash and the main character to have nightmares. It is called ‘a cutie mark fade’. Never heard of it? Well, it apparently happens when you don’t have a cutie mark. You will have nightmares until you have a cutie mark.

So, let me get this straight? Because the main character doesn’t have a cutie mark… he  and Rainbow Dash dream about gore porn? One: If the doctors figured out what happened, why can they not reverse it? Surely, this is not the first time they have encountered it in Equestria’s history. Two: The main character was not born a pony, he was born a human. I doubt the rules of Equestria apply to him as well. Three: What kind of psychic bond was made to make Rainbow Dash have the same nightmares that the main character has? I do not remember them having any kind of special magic together that allowed such a thing to be possible.

In other words, you failed. You failed miserably. All hail the king of fail!

My god. Did leaving earth and my entire life behind to make Dashie happy worth it. I'm not saying that she isn't worth it, She is my everythinh.

Well, that’s an unfortunate spelling error.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What is so funny?

I know it’s suppose to be a serious scene! Because he’s confessing how much he loves Rainbow Dash! But he can’t even afford a fucking proofreader to make sure his serious scene where he finds out that he’s the reason Rainbow Dash is suffering isn’t completely hilarious with a single word that says “Rainbow Dash is my everydurr!”

... It is not that funny.

It’s fucking hilarious! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

And as if to make it more unbelievable, the doctors say if the main character does not find a cutie mark within five days, that he and Rainbow Dash will both die.

Considering how long it takes for the Cutie Mark Crusaders to develop a cutie mark, I’d say they're pretty much goners.

Well, if anything, Rainbow Dash has died before in this world. I imagine she will get through it with no explanation like she did last time.

Anyway, the two panic about how they’re going to tell the other ponies about how they’ve only got five days left like they’ve already lost. Well, I’ll give the story credit, the characters know there is nothing special about him and there never will be.

Well, I say ‘panic’. They ‘panic’ about as much as if they were telling their friends that Rainbow Dash didn’t get that promotion at work or something.

Let's get our friends all together and tell them all at once in a quick meeting. This way, the pain will not be longer lasting" I said to Rainbow Dash. "Sounds good." She said. "Pinkie, tell the other five to meet us at mine and Rainbow's house." I told her. "Oki-doki-Loki."

It is as if the characters were all replaced with lifeless drones that just speak their lines and occasional move their bodies to one place or another. Both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash act like this is another day in the life for them.

I guess the main six are killed off in so many other fan fics that it’s just become boring to them.

Half a sentence later, they tell their friends about their imminent demise. Something that we can all hope to come sooner rather than later, and they hug giving no emotion to this.

:ajbemused: Sad emotion detected. Beep Boop. What is making you sad, Fluttershy?

:yay: Angel just got ran over by a train. Beep Boop. Deploying tears. Cry, cry. Sob, sob.

:ajbemused: Cry, cry. I am sorry to hear that. Beep Boop. Let me dry your tears with this handkerchief as programming dictates.

:yay: Beep Boop. Program dictates I feel better now.

Because that is not offensive to artificial intelligence.

Jesus, you can’t make a joke about anyone anymore.

Oddly enough, our character now decides to not give up and decides to find the one thing that he is good at. Yeah, five days isn’t going to enough.

The only bad thing is that I can't think when I panic. I can't think of why I'm sick and how I can fix this. "Rainbow, what have I been good at?" I asked. "What about guitar?" She asked. I looked at my hooves. I rely on my fingers to play guitar, but they're gone. "I don't have fingers.." I said.

And yet, this hasn’t stopped the violin playing ponies.

Granted, this could be based off Equestria Girls logic where it just takes some getting use to versus fingers. And yet, this character has been living here for a year now and has not gotten used to it. I would have thought since you went from five digits to one, it would be a lot easier. But what do I know?

And then we get a fucking hilarious line…

"Well, we tried, right?" I said.

What makes this even more amusing is that this scene, this story, is supposed to be taken 100% seriously. This is supposed to be a moment where we care and feel sad for our hero. But the lines and the dialogue and the lack of any sense of logic throughout it makes it unintentionally funny.

I don’t know what’s better. The fact that this story thinks that we should take this seriously or the fact that the author thought this was going to be a more successful fic than the first High Road.

But, before anything else can make us laugh, the disease starts to accelerate. Not entirely sure how that works, and takes four days away from our heroes, leaving them with only one. Praise Celestia, the story is trying to end quicker.

I guess it’s as bored with itself as we are.

We only had a day left with each other. I hope heaven in Equestria exists, because if it does, then we get to spend eternity with each other.

Don’t worry. There is a pony heaven where you can have sex all you want. Unless, God resurrects you for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Oh well, what's done is done. We are going to die... And it's my fault.

I guess we have just hit the acceptance stage of depression. I didn’t know we went through any other stage.

I don’t think the story even knows what 2 of the stages of depression are. I know I’m going through all of them at once.

How does that even…?

Don’t ask… Just don’t ask…

"Rai-?" Was all I remember saying before suddenly I blacked out.

Rainbow Dash and I were beginning to shut down.

Oh, so they are robots! Well, that takes care of the stakes! Story over, righ?!


Two chapters left.

Damnit…

So, finally after about a 200 word speech that the main character makes to Rainbow Dash… No really, that’s a thing…

The doctor left the room, and I looked over at Rainbow. "Rainbow Dash, look... This is...my...fault. I shouldn't...have come...here." I said. "Riley...this isn't...your fault." She said. "You've...made me the...happiest...mare in...Equestria...in the past three years. You should be proud...you've...made the...last day of...my life...special...just being...here...with...me." She said. "I...love...you." I said. "I...love you.....too." She said. We reached over, and held our hooves in an embrace, we were too weak to hold it tight, so the last bit of our effort went into that. I gave her a slight smile, and she smiled back.

I hope you were blown away by that speech because it took up most of chapter 8.

Also, were they not only together for two years? Not three?

The faster you accept that every bad fic has a fucked up sense of time, the faster you can get through this.

Official Timeline accepted.

And get ready people, because this is the biggest, baddest, ultimate bullshit in a fanfic I have ever seen… Are you ready? Because I doubt you are. Even the most prepared ponies of all time were shocked that this… THIS was the reason our characters survived this ordeal. Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be! It’s a horrible fanfic, of course the characters are going to survive! But you want to know how they survive?! I’ll tell you how they survived! You ready?

Sir, just show them…

Right… Okay… Are you sure you’re ready?

SIR!

Okay, okay!


I looked at it... The light.

I realize now what my special talent is. Sacrifice. I nearly sacrificed myself back on earth to be with Rainbow in heaven. I sacrificed my belongings, so Dash would be happy and safe. I sacrificed my family and most beloved friends and valuables to make sure that I went with her to Equestria. I sacrificed my old life, and made Rainbow Dash really happy.

Youtube Video

Sacrifice, huh? … That’s your special talent? … Your special talent… is sacrifice? … Okay… let’s ignore that you probably ripped this off from the seventh Element of Harmony headcanon of Dr. Wolf and let’s just focus on why this makes no fucking sense whatsofucking ever.

What is sacrifice, Computer?

To surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

Mm… Hmm… and you claim that you showed sacrifice to be in heaven with Rainbow Dash in the first story? … What did he nearly do?

Commit suicide.

So… it’s not so much sacrificing himself as it is giving up. True sacrifice means accepting the loss that happened and doing the right thing. Regardless of how much it hurt. With your ‘sacrifice’ you make everyone else ‘sacrifice’ their time with you. Your parents, your friends, everyone who fucking cared about you had to pay for your ‘sacrifice.’

Thanks for that, bud!

You sacrificed your belongings? How? When did that ever happen? When did sacrificing what you had kept Rainbow Dash safe? She’s been nothing but in danger since you met her! The only reason she was kidnapped, murdered and dying due to nightmares is because of you! If you really wanted to go the ‘sacrifice’ route, he would give up Rainbow Dash for her safety! That would be a sacrifice because it’s giving up something he really desires for something else and it would give this dumbass death scene some fucking context!

And your ‘sacrifice’ doesn’t mean anything because we never saw your relationship with your parents! We never saw the friends you gave up! We never saw anything that would make your sacrifice mean shit to be with Rainbow Dash! That’s not sacrifice, that’s selfishness! You gave up your friends and family to make yourself happy! You didn’t do it for Rainbow Dash! You did it for YOU!


This story has no sacrifice! This character has made no sacrifice! And yet somehow, we have to come to the conclusion that this character has made some kind of sacrifice that warrants this bullshit!


You get it all out?

… Yeah… I think so…

So after the story threw its hands in the air and proclaimed that he does not care, Rainbow Dash and the main character are magically resurrected through the power of love. Everypony fakes happiness, only so they can murder them both in their sleep. And our ‘trying our damndest’ story ends with a sentence that is perfect in every way with no errors about them whatsoever.

I'm going to be the best person I can be for now on.

And you can start by getting some proofreaders!


This story … has its moments, but… overall… it’s pretty bad…

While there are moments of ‘what the fuck’ that are pretty funny, it’s not consistent enough to make it as ‘so bad, it’s good’ fic.

The plot is barely held together and is so flimsy, a gust from a Breezie would blow it apart. It is rushed more than a race car driver on speed and has very little to do with the original High Road, outside of names.

Half of the story is gore porn and the other half is just whining about how ‘I’m not special!’ and ‘I’m going to just give up and die!’ It’s spelling and grammar are all over the place and its characterization is some of the worst I’ve ever seen!

The main character has no personality. Rainbow Dash has no personality. There are almost no emotions in this, even in the most emotional of moments. The ending is cheap and it all feels as if the author could not care less about what was posted.

Another sequel to add to the shit pile of shit sequels that have no reason to exist.

And that was the High Road 2! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to drown myself in a toilet! I’m sacrificing my life so I don’t have to read any more bad fanfics!


That is not sacrifice, sir. That is giving up. You are being a hypocrite.

Shut up! I don’t need this!


***

“3 months he gave me his word!” Silver Haze screamed to his servant who tilted his head out of the way of a vase. The vase shattered as it hit the wall behind him in a firework of broken ceramic, water and flowers. “And he gets himself beaten like an amature.”

Silver Haze leaped onto his bed, letting out pathetic sobs to the ceiling above him. The servant rolled his eyes and made his way to the bedside. “There, there, master,” he said, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible. “I’m sure that anti-alicorn will get his just deserts.”

Haze dives his head into his pillow. “But I want him dead now!” his muffled voice whines from the mattress.

“Sir, you could just wait until he dies in a few years of old age.”

He raises his head from the pillow and stares down the old servant. “But I don’t want to wait!”

The golden doors to his room open with a creak to reveal the king of the alicorns. “What is he whining about now?”

Silver Haze leaped off his bed, glaring at his father. “I am not whining! I am complaining!”

King Crown put his hoof on his head, rubbing his temple. “Well your ‘complaining’ is loud enough to be heard around the entire castle! Perhaps the entire kingdom!” King Crown made his way to his son’s side and placed his hoof on his shoulder. “You are putting too much focus on this anti-alicorn. He’s not worth your trouble.”

‘Yes, he is. And my assassin didn’t finish him.”

King Crown’s eyes widened. “A what?! Assassin?!” He placed his hooves on his son’s shoulders and turned him towards him. Eye to eye. “Do you have any idea the risk you took?! Does the assassin know who you are?!”


Silver scoffed. “Of course he knows who I am, father. Why would he not? He should know he is working for a messiah.”

King Crown face hoofed himself, sliding his hoof down his face. “My son, do you have any idea the risk you took?! It’s bad enough we lost our best spy, but now we’ve given Equestria our identity!”


“I don’t see what’s so wrong. You could always build another one.”

“Not the point. And while we could, we spent years perfecting her. I will not waste our resources again.”

“And you tell me to let it go?” Silver said, rolling his eyes.

The king stomped his way to the front door. “Just take care of it.”

Silver stuck his tongue out as the door slammed shut. However, he slipped it back into his mouth when an idea popped into his head. “Just take care of it?” he repeated.

The old stallion rolled his eyes. He didn’t have to be a mind reader to know what his master was up to. And it wasn’t either smart nor what his father meant. And yet, that wouldn’t stop the young prince/messiah.

Sequel September: Wrath of the Titans


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bit embarrassed today. A couple weeks ago I mentioned that Luna was going to get her due in a terrible story where she acts completely out of character. I had sharpened my axe and was ready to test it out on the sequel to Cielo’s Secret.

You all remember that one? The one where Luna and Celestia are drooling idiots and all the other characters are somehow worse. But as I went to the search page where I had left the story, I come back to find this…

Yeah, kind of difficult to review a story that doesn’t exist anymore. Man, I can’t tell you how this ruined all my plans. All my jokes about Luna are now just sitting there waiting for something to be thrown at. Like a set of darts without a dartboard.

With no information, my panicking self needed to scrounge together a review fast and I’ll be damned if I was doing another ‘Poncho Chronicles.’

So, ‘Fuck it’, I said. ‘Let’s review a sequel to a story I only did a few months ago.Wrath of the Titans.’

Wrath of the Titans: But Mr. Critique, you’ve already beaten up the first story of my incredibly long drawn out series only a few months ago. Why don’t you give me a break?

Look, it’s nothing personal, Wrath. It’s just that, I needed a sequel to review that was quick and you were the only one available. It’s not my fault! This wouldn’t happen if Cielo would take his beating like a stallion instead of being a pussy!


Yes, maybe I am bitter! Shut up!

Nothing left to do, but get started with the review with a little backstory. Most of you might remember the ‘Clash of the Titans’ review. If you don’t, watch the 2010 remake starring Sam Worthington, replace all the characters with My Little Pony characters, and come up with a dumb reason for a sequel. Trust me, you couldn’t come up with anything dumber than this story did.

For those who haven’t seen the movie and have no intention of seeing it, to which I don’t blame you, Gods mad at Twilight, for some reason. Celestia and Luna go to kill Medusa even though women cannot enter her lair… for some reason. And Lucifer is part of the Greek pantheon. For some reason.

That’s about all you really need to know to get this story rolling.

Now, let’s start bashing on the sequel.

Our story begins one month after the defeat of Cetus, the Blue Serpent. Yes, let’s get this joke out of the way.

Youtube Video

Back to the review.

Celestia and Luna start talking about their mother- Funny, I don’t remember Lauren Faust appearing in the last story- When Discord interrupts them.

"Hey ladies!"Said Discord and he's appear out from thin air upon their thrones.

"What're young doing here Discord?!"Asked Celestia.

… I really don’t have a joke there. Trust me, I tried. None of them worked. The best I came up with is how consistent the grammar and spelling are to the previous story. The talking head syndrome is still a major thing, like it’s going out of style and the complete lack of emotions or the backgrounds that is supposed to be set up.

I mean, it does mention we are in the Canterlot Throne Room, so I guess that’s better than nothing.

Not by much.

So, I guess Discord moved back to Olympus … for some reason… I guess it has something to do with him coming back from the dead in the last one, but that’s never fully explained.

Discord gives Celestia and Luna a letter from their father, Zeus. However, instead of actually opening it and reading it, this happens…

2 Hours Later in the Bedroom of Princess Celestia…

"BOOM!"

"What just-?!" asked Celestia and she's saw her father is standing before her.

"It's look like that you didn't read my mail from Discord." said Zeus.

Well, it did come with a spyware warning. She’s not going to open mail without proper security measures. After all, she’s a princess and a ruler of a nation. Do you know how much security a letter goes through before she gets to read my hate mail to her? Unless of course it’s Twilight’s mail. Because she’s so special.

"Why don't you send Hermes to come in the first place?" asked Celestia.

"He's kind of 'busy'... with a beautiful Pegasus girl in Couldsdales." said Zeus.

Meaning that Pan was being born. … Greek Mythology sex humor.

"As that you see when Lord Tirek had escaped..." said Zeus.

"Cerberus is now start to be uncontrollable and the Walls of Tartarus... start to be destroying..." said Celestia.

So, if Celestia knows about Lord Tirek escaping, why did Zeus send a letter to her? Or maybe that’s why she didn’t read the letter, because she knew it would contain information that she already knew. Still kind of rude, Celestia.

Also, apparently the Walls of Tartarus are going to be destroying us all.

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"If the mortals still don't pray for the Olympians, we all will become mortals like them.

We all will died and the Titans will escape and destroy the whole entire land of Equestria.

In the air, underwater and the whole entire land. All will be destroyed by the Titans," said Zeus.

Okay, I get the losing your powers thing, since it was pretty much established that praying gives the gods their power, but how will the Titans escape even if you die? There’s no real explanation of why the Titans will be released.

Does Tirek have the power to release the titans? And even if he did, the only reason I would think that he would release them is to steal their magic. Why are they worried about the Titans if Tirek is the larger threat?

I don’t know. Let’s see if the story makes any sense of it.

"You are asking help from me and my sister?" asked Celestia.

"Me and my brothers need all children to help. But mostly refuse amd take care of themselves only," said Zeus.

Zeus: Well, we want our children to help, but mostly we want to refuse it and take care of ourselves.

Celestia: So… why did you ask for our help if you are just going to refuse it?

Zeus: Look, we’re very inconsistent gods. I mean look at me, I can’t stay with one woman for more than a few hours.

So, Celestia refuses to help the gods deal with the Titans. Even though if she doesn’t, the Titans will destroy everything. As Zeus puts it, the air, the land and the water will die out. Hm… Let me think about this for a second… The Titans are going to destroy the air, which ponies need to breathe. They are going to destroy the land… which the ponies live on… And they are going to destroy the water… which ponies need to survive… And Celestia… is just … not going to do anything about it.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is the story where I can use all my Luna jokes.

We then cut to Tartarus where Zeus gathers Hades, Poseidon, Balius and Xanthius to help keep the Titans and Tirek in line. Balius and Xanthius (more commonly known as Xanthus), if you are unfamiliar with Greek Mythology, are two horses that were given to King Peleus by Poseidon and were said to be as powerful as gods. The horses would later be given to his son, Achilles.

But I doubt Achilles will appear in this story. So, let’s just move on.

While in the underworld, the group meets with Lucifer and Hades’s wife, Persephone.

My brother, who thrown me into the Underworld to be a slave of another brother of mine.

Now... had come to find a peace for his own," said Lucifer.

Um… Celestia was the one who went Saint Michael on your ass, bro… Not Zeus. Well, at least the story of this is as consistent with its prior story as the original ‘Wrath of the Titans’ with ‘Clash of the Titans.’

But, big surprise, Lucifer betrays the group and the gods are captured by Lord Tirek.

"You did so well... Pride of Ixion..." said Lucifer and the large dark brown Centaur named Pride of Ixion jumps down from the cliff to Lucifer.

Oh, I’m sorry. I must have made a mistake. You see, this is supposed to be Lord Tirek. I think… Let me check…


Then a large dark brown horned Centaur appear on the top of mountain upon them.

No, not there…

ATTACK!" shouted Dark Brown Centaur and the two upper bodies, pony-like creatures called Makhais start to throw lava to them.

No, not there either…

"Now your turn Zeus..." said Pride of Ixion and Zeus is prepare to fight with the evil Centaur but then, something hit him at head from behind.

So, who the fuck is this guy?!

…

…

He’s an antagonist from the Clash of the Titans video game?

… Why is there this centaur from the Clash of the Titans video game, when you already established a centaur character with Lord Tirek?!

And I check the date that this story was published! This story was published in October of 2014! The season 4 finale took place on May 2014! There is no reason to replace Lord Tirek with this no name centaur with nothing connecting him to the movie and nothing connecting him to the MLP show! So, why would you decide to replace a villain that most bronies are aware of and replace him with a villain that nobody knows about?! Alienating your audience?!

There’s trying to get people interested in the crossover material and then there’s choices in those crossover materials that make no sense!


So, … uh… the ‘Pride of Ixion’ and Lucifer attack Zeus and the others, quickly capturing them.

"OUCH!" said Zeus after get the hit and when he's turn to look at. The ones who hurt him were the Demigods, Balius and Xanthius, the one of the eldest children of him.

Yes, Zeus… one of the most badass gods in all of mythology… just said ‘ouch’... Kind of sucks out all the badassness, huh?

And what’s less badass than saying ‘ouch’? Saying it twice of course!

"OUCH! GO!" said Zeus and his treacherous sons hit him again, now to unconsciousness.

Despite them being outnumbered, and outclassed, Persephone and Ares manage to escape with the weapons of the gods. Lucifer vows that revenge against the gods will be his. Look, I know that Lucifer has nothing to do with the Greek Pantheon, but the faster you accept it, the faster we can get through this.

And then we see the story giving up. Yes… only chapter two of this story and it has already given up. What do I mean by that? Well, let me show you something and let me see if you can figure out what happened…

Four days ago: the Entrance of the Underworld…

"BOOM!"

"ROARRR!"

The many of the Bronze Bulls are run out from the entrance, split up and run into many ways. Which one of them are leading to Ponyville.

Present Time: Ponyville…

"BOOM!"

"ROARRR!"

Two Bronze Bulls are run out from the Everfree Forest and breath fire to burning the town.

"ROARRR!"

Confused? Boy, I sure as hell was when I first read this thing. Yeah, the actions scenes in this story are somehow worse than they were in the last one. At least with the last one, the fight scenes were … well, they were terrible, but at least it tried to give some kind of choreography. It failed… but it at least it tried.

We then cut to Luna and Celestia who realize that the Bulls of Hell are attacking Ponyville and need to do something about it. Why can’t they have our main heroes take care of the problem?

"The Bronze Bulls had escaped from Tartarus and burning Ponyville!" said Luna.

"How was that possible?!" asked Celestia.

"I don't know how but with Twilight and her friends are now stay at the Crystal Empire. We have to take them by ourselves!" said Luna.

Yes, apparently Twilight and her gang were part of that big ‘Ponyville to Crystal Empire’ move. Damn you, Crystal Empire. Not only have you stolen our equivalent of the Olympics! You have to steal our Main Six too!

The two princesses teleport to Ponyville and immediately rescue Apple Bloom from the bull creatures. So, I guess when Applejack moved to the Crystal Empire, she forgot to take Apple Bloom with her. This must be the other extreme to Somepony To Watch Over Me. Applejack doesn’t give a shit about any trouble Apple Bloom gets into.

The fight continues with the terrible grammar and spelling that you all expect and the poor excuse for choreography. I’m not going to get into too much detail, because basically every line has something I could make fun of. And unfortunately, because of that, the story’s pacing is rushed as all hell. Meaning there is a lot to get through in only 14000 words.

They fight for a bit, but the bulls seem unbeatable. Not that we could tell since Celestia and Luna seemed to be pummeling them just fine with their magic and abilities of flight, despite bulls breathing fire! So, Celestia gets an idea…

"Not yet but I have an idea," said Celestia.

"What is it?" asked Luna.

"Let them destroy each other!" said Celestia.

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"I like this one!" said Luna.

Luna: But I want to keep this fire breathing death bull! Can’t I take him home, sister?

Celestia: Luna, how many times have I told you about bring home strays?! It was that cat last week! Then that manticore! Then that loud mouth pony who only speaks in cuss words!

Luna: Okay, that one was my bad!


The plan works and Luna and Celestia manage to get the two bulls to destroy each other.

"So... victory celebrate?" asked Luna.

"I like that," said Celestia.

"YAY!" said Luna.

Youtube Video

They go back home to celebrate and… because pacing is a myth in this story-Yeah, I’m recognizing the pattern too.- Perosophone and Ares appear to explain what happened in Tartarus.

They also explain that the centaur that is not Tirek is from the land where Tirek was born from. IT’S STILL NOT TIREK! IT DOESN’T COUNT!


Ares and Persephone explain that they need to find someone called ‘the Fallen One’. Hephaestus? Satan? Kaminsod? … Marie from Yu-Gi-Oh?

Well, whoever it is, they have to consult the sons of Poseidon to figure out where ‘the Fallen One’ is. Why? Because the movie did the same thing. And it makes about as much sense here as it does there.

It turns out that the sons of Poseidon have relocated to the Crystal Empire… What are the fucking odds? The housing for the Crystal Empire must be fucking top notch or they are on top of a crystal mine… But that would be stupid.

Ares gives Celestia and Luna the weapons of Hades and Poseidon and sends them on their quest. Apparently, giving up their weapons was too much for the two gods and they pass out. Pfft… puny gods.

We then cut to Tartarus where Zeus and the other gods are being tortured by Lucifer and… the Horsemen of Apocalypse. Yeah… apparently they are in this story too. Even though they were destroyed in the last story… Oh, who gives a shit? Let’s just hope Death doesn’t try to get Luna’s moon.

At the Crystal Empire, The Flash… Oh, I’m sorry, Flash Sentry tells Twilight and Cadance about Luna and Celestia's arrival to the Crystal Empire. Don’t worry, he’ll be as useful here as he was in Equestria Girls.

Celestia and Luna explain what happened with the gods to the Main Six… Or at least, I assume they did, we never actually see that. The group asks what Titans are and we get an really confusing backstory thanks to the poor writing.

"They are the elemental beings that ruled this land before Equestria will be found.

During the time that you mortal ponies are just Mesohippus at many million years ago," said Luna.

"The Titans had caused many havoc to this land. They had caused the many extinctions from time to time

since the land that what will become Equestria has been born." said Celestia.

God, and I thought the motive for Murdering Moxie was confusing.

It turns out that Twilight and the rest of the friends happen to know where the sons of Poseidon live.

"Right then, follow me." said Twilight and she walk along with her friends to the place where Triton, Otus and Agenor are live.

In the Dungeon…

Which are surprisingly better than the regular housing of the Crystal Empire. So, why were three demigods imprisoned? They wanted to marry Twilight, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Obviously, because they are the best characters in the show and the other three suck balls.

Keep the hate coming, girls! Soon I’ll have the biggest dick in all of Equestria!

Don’t you mean ‘be the biggest’?

Is that what it’s called?

They ask the Sons of Poseidon where ‘the Fallen One’ is located, but they ask the charges to be dropped and ask for as much ‘gold as heavy as each of us’ as the story puts it.They explain that the Fallen One is on the island of Kail. How they could possibly know that is anyone’s guess, and our group sail off to find it.

A boat that is in Manehattan?

… Why would they set sail from Manehattan if they are in the Crystal Empire… Oh, never mind.

The groups is eventually joined by Discord and the djinn from the last story. Oh, good, I can’t wait to see what extra character he adds to the story. A character who doesn’t speak English and a character who nopony can understand.

Our next chapter begins with us finding out that the Fallen One is indeed Hephaestus. So, why did we call him the Fallen One if he has a name? … Filler, I guess. So, the trident leads the group to the island of Kail. Why did they need the sons of Poseidon to find said island? … Cannonfodder? I don’t fucking know. The movie doesn’t make much sense to begin with, so trying to copy that is taking all the problems with it!


Meanwhile, in Tartarus, Zeus and the others gods are being prepared to be sacrificed to the titan, Kronos. It’s just here to remind us that the bad guys are still bad guys. It’s honestly only a few sentences long and really doesn’t develop anything that we don’t already know.

And then it cuts to… Not Tirek and actual Tirek. Not Tirek explains that he and Tirek can rule the lands once the Titans have destroyed it. Tirek points out the flaw in his plan. The obviously flaw being that everything will be destroyed and nothing will remain, but Not Tirek doesn’t see it that way. And then we get… this line from Tirek…

"I may don't like this 'friendship' of the Ponies and really much want to conquer them for the betrayal of them to the Olympians.

But I'm serve the Olympians, not the Titans. I may have no this 'friendship' that you have with the Titans

but I do have the honor of being as a servant of the Olympians," said Tirek.

So, rather than ruling Equestria and having a group of enslaved ponies… which was his goal in Season 4… he’d rather be imprisoned… just like in Season 4? … You know what… with as much stupid that gets thrown at us in this story… I’m willing to buy this. I’m willing to buy that Tirek has a complete 180 of his character for no fucking reason. Now, can we please go two paragraphs without a single grammar or spelling error?!


"I'm not going to touch this trident again unless it's really necessary!" said Otus and he's let his hand go from the trident.

That’s what I was afraid of.

So our group manages to make it to the Island of Kail, where they enter a forest. Here, we get the tour of Greek Mythological creatures that have no point in being in this story other than to show how much the author knows about Greek Mythology.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this joke. Every time this story explains information to you that has no point other than to show the author’s knowledge, I will do the same.

Ready? Let’s begin!

"Roc?" asked Twilight.

"The Giant Two-headed Eagles that live once lived in the desert of our. I thought they gone extinct," said Sheikh and then a large carcass is drop down from the high above the canopy.

Did you know that Final Fantasy was supposed to be the last game that the company Square ever made due to bankruptcy? Hence the name.

"What... is that?!" asked Fluttershy and Sheikh Suleimare walks near to the carcass.

"A Rompo, the creature that have head of rabbit, front body of lion and rear body of bear," said Discord.

"Is it dangerous, I mean if it's alive?" asked Applejack.

"It is a herbivore creature but it is a very protective for its territory," said Sheikh.

Did you know that Rhydon is technically the first Pokemon, since he was the one who was designed first, even before the most popular Pokemon, Pikachu or any of the starter Pokemon, Bulbasaur, Charmander or Squirtle?


"What was that?!" asked Rarity and then three gigantic amphibious eels dwell down from the tree and jump out to bite the dead body of Rompo.

"AHHHHHH!" screamed The Girls and Spike.

"Seriously?! They're just the Dandans. I bet that they following the trail of that carcass," said Discord.

Did you know that among older men, vanilla is the most erotic smell?

"I remembered that voice... it's a Dioskilos!" said Celestia.

"Dio-what?!" asked Spike.

"Two-headed giant fox." said Luna and the a Dioskilos run out from the deep of the forest and confront them.

Did you know that Butterflies taste with their feet?

So, after I tried to outdo the guy who is boasting about his intellect, some strange creatures approach them and Celestia comes up with a plan.

"Whatever going to happen. Don't do anything that stupid!" said Celestia and then the rods are come out from

the underground and form into a cage to imprison Triton, Otus and Agenor.

"My sister just said don't do anything that stupid!" said Celestia.

Um… no… You just said that. Two lines?! You can’t even be consistent for two lines?! Or is Celestia disowning Luna?!


And let the ‘Luna White Knights’ come at me! I’ll get that biggest dick award sometime!

They get attacked by a group of creatures and we get a transition… to a second later… What?

"I'll go to check it out," said Celestia and she's walk out from the hind of the tree to see what threw the tree to them.

She's heard a noise of the foot steps coming from the fog. Then, it's revealed to be a 30 ft. tall figure

that have lower part as a pony but the upper part is the chimpanzee-like and its has one eye and a horn on its forehead.

"ROARRR!"

"You got to be kidding me!" said Celestia.

Later…

"Everypony run for your lives!"Said Luna and she's fly out from the fog with her older sister.

Well, technically, it doesn’t say how much later it is. I assume it’s only a few seconds, but then what’s the point of adding it there? Unless this is supposed to be taking place much later, but then that doesn’t make sense either…

Although, having Celestia say ‘You got to be kidding me,’ is kind of funny.

The creatures, or Cyclopes, attack our heroes. Well, I say attack, mostly they just roar at them and if you wish really hard and rub your pinkie and thumb together saying the magic words, maybe you get something that almost thinks about threatening to become a fight scene.

The Princesses form a sword for each of them and landed on the ground. The Cyclops try to use his hand to grab them but

they both poke the swords into his hand. They put their swords deeper and deeper into his hand.

"GRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed #1 Cyclops

No! He was my number one cyclops!


So, after an entire boring as fuck chapter about our heroes just fighting the Cyclopes, our heroes finally arrive to find Hephaestus. And during this scene, Applejack gives us what I think most of us would agree are very true words to describe this story as a whole.

"That is a ridiculous one." said Applejack.

I think you hit the bullseye there, partner…

So, in a weird conversation with Hephaestus, not helped by the poor word choices, Celestia and Luna ask him to help them defeat Lucifer and the other Titans. He refuses saying that he no longer has alicorn magic. Which begs the question, why doesn’t Celestia just give him alicorn magic? We clearly see it done in the finale of Season 3 when she made Twilight an alicorn. Hell, we see it at the end of Season 4, when she gives Twilight her magic. So… why doesn’t Celestia do the same thing here?

Are there certain rules to giving away your magic? It only works when the plot tells you it does?

And Hephaestus worked for Lucifer, but now is not working for Lucifer? I think? And then he falls in love with Fluttershy and Rarity because they … rather easily the more I think about it … convince him to do the right thing?

"And we do believe in many things. Even it is the unbelievable..." said Rarity and she's stand up with Fluttershy and grab each of Hephasetus's hands. This makes Spike got a lot of jealous.

"Well then... if you really do care about Olympus. Will you help us to set Zeus, Hades and Poseidon free from Tartarus?" asked Fluttershy and both she and Rarity give him the sweet eyes.

"Oh my goodness! You two remind me to... Aphrodite. The beauty and behavior of you two... really much like her," said Hephaestus and he's stand up from his throne.

I think… I don’t know. Honestly, if you still care, you should hit yourself in the head with a hammer again.

So they go to the gates of Tartarus where I think it was built by Daedalus.


"As that you all see. No any mortal ponies can go into Tartarus. Unless of course, by using this labyrinth, " said Hephaestus and he's point to the labyrinth in the reproduce that is part of the Underworld.

Oh, good. Can we see a minotaur? I would kill for an assertiveness class on this fucking thing!

So, Lucifer explains that when gods die, they disappear and are gone forever. Which is actually bullshit because Discord was killed in the last story and he came back to life just fine. This is why resurrection kills any tension in stories!

But when her, her sister or us! Or even Discord! DIED! It's not the dead! It's called the

disappear!" said Lucifer and he's turn back on them.

"It's the perish! It's the perish!" said Lucifer.

"ZEEKAAA!" said Kronos.

Meanwhile in the Desert…

… Enough of that scene I guess… Starting to feel how poor the pacing is for this thing…


Our heroes find the gate to Tartarus and Hephaestus tells the Main Six, the Princesses and Discord to go through it. Mykan would be so happy to hear those words.

"This gate will send you all directly to Tartarus!" said Hephasetus and there is an explosion in the sky.

Suddenly, Tweedle Dee (Balius) and Tweedle Stupid (Xanthus) finally arrive and attack our heroes, with Celestia and Luna fighting them off. Yes, I’m sure they’d love to put their unicorns in Luna… Don’t take that out of context! They want to stick their horns in Luna’s body! … Don’t take that out of context either!


… What, I had to get my Luna sex jokes in there somewhere?

After a brief fight scene, they escape from the Tweedle’s and make their way into the depths of hell, where Luna starts to break down and cry.

"I can't do this! This is too much for me!" said Luna and she's began to cry.

"Shhh! Luna... you have nothing to worry. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm promise," said Celestia.

"You have to be strong Princess Luna! Don't let the hatred feeling of those Psycho Demigods got in you!" said Applejack

We love you, Princess Luna! We love you! … Seriously, that’s what the next 15 paragraphs are about. If you like Princess Luna, fine. But why make all the characters sing her praises like this for no reason? And why even have Luna break down like this when she’s never acted like this in anyway?!

They make their way through Tartarus, but unfortunately, they get lost.


"We're walking in here for 45 minutes now! I didn't see any way to out!" said Applejack.

"Patience Rainbow Dash," said Twilight.

I have no joke there… that’s just funny.

After about five minutes in the labyrinth, I’m sure Theseus wishes it was that easy, they find Zeus and the others. They start to free the gods, but are attacked by Beavis and Butthead.

"A cage can't stop us!" said Xanthius and he's landed on the ground with his brother very hard and run to stop them from free Zeus, Hades and Poseidon.

"We won't let you escape!" said Balius and he's pull out his club and make it on fire.

Oh, god! Now we’re adding incest to the mix! … Well, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing Greek Mythology ever produced…

The group manages to fight off Snips and Snails and free the gods, but they are unable to stop the Titans from breaking free.

"We don't have much time now!" said Discord and Balius and Xanthius throw the Royal Sisters away and run into stop them from escape but then Lucifer appear out from nowhere

and shoot fire from his Fire Sword to them. .

Oww… Oh, that run-on sentence… Da run-on sentence man…

So… for no particular reason whatsoever, Lucifer decides to help our heroes defeat Mario and Luigi. I’m serious. I have no idea what Lucifer is helping our heroes. He’s never given any reason behind it. He’s never said or done anything that could suggest he is having second thoughts, but apparently Lucifer is a good guy now. Don’t question it.

"Lucifer!" said Poseidon

"Come with us!" said Zeus

The Royal Sisters stand up and go support their father and uncles, and they both give Poseidon and Hades back their weapons.

Meanwhile at the Shrine…

Yes, that is the most we are ever given about why Lucifer switched sides. I seem to remember him trying to kill Zeus and the others gods in the last one! And throughout this one, he’s never given any evidence that he was feeling guilty! The only one who would have betrayed the villains was Tirek! And he already did that! Man, I’m sure Michael wished he knew how easily Lucifer could be shifted back to his side.

Lucifer: That's what desire IS. The need for what we can't have. The need for what's readily available is called greed.”

Michael: Hey, stop being a dick!


Lucifer: Oh… Okay…

With the Titans free from their prison, they begin their rampage across the land. Twilight and the others teleport to the Crystal Empire to prepare for battle. Zeus explains that in order to defeat the Titans, they need to create the Spear of Triam, a weapon forged by the merging of the gods weapons.

Knowing that one of them in possessed by Superman and Batman, Celestia and Luna go to confront them. They battle for a while, and the story constantly switches back and forth between three scenes, the battle against the Titans, Discord trying to convince the Gods to help defeat the Titans, and Celestia and Luna fighting Yugi and Joey. And it happens so fast, you barely have time to get settled into a scene of what is going on before the next scene comes up.

I realize it’s trying to go for the editing of the movie, but it doesn’t work here! It feels rushed and unfocused! Like the story couldn’t focus on a scene long enough to add some context to it before it got bored and moved to the next one.

So, like in the movie Wrath of the Titans where Hades gives Zeus his power back, Lucifer is apparently able to do the same thing to three gods. No wonder the gods feared Lucifer, he’s apparently more powerful than all three of them put together. Why doesn’t he kill the Titans if he such a good guy? Hell, why does he even need the Titans if he’s strong enough to kill the King of Olympus by himself? Whatever, the story is almost over.

So, Celestia and Luna eventually defeat the Blues Brothers through the power of friendship, I think and arrive just in time to kill the titans and save the day.

Our heroes celebrate by Death giving Luna a smack on her bump, breaking God knows how many laws of sexual assault, the gods get statues built in their honor even though they’ve proven how much they don’t deserve them, Lucifer is let back into heaven, where he’ll no doubt put a stick in God’s eye, Tirek is nowhere to be found, Pinkie Pie throws a party. and we discover that this was in fact a prequel to Equestrylvania…

"That is all from what did I heard." said Vampony Guard.

"What do you think my love?" asked Dracula and let his wife thinking about decision.

"Apollonia and Artemis shall be destroyed... in another day!" said Carmilla.

Granted the writing improved between stories…

This story sucks…

Not only is it an almost scene for scene copy past job of the Wrath of the Titans movie, which was not a good movie to begin with, it doesn’t fix any of the problems the movie had, and continues with those problems not being addressed.

The plot makes very little sense, if any at all, due to the poor writing. The fight scenes are boring as hell, the characters are barely characters, the plot is rushed and many of the elements of the story have no purpose to them.

Tirek was in the story, yeah. But what in the world was his point? The Pride of Ixion wasn’t much better, so why have these characters to begin with?

The main six barely do anything and they could have easily been cut from the story to make this about Celestia, Luna and Discord. There’s no reason for Lucifer to change sides and no point to having three titans, instead of just Chronos like in the movie.

A story that’s about as good as the movie it was based on. Which considering the source material, is not saying a lot.

Sequel September: Soren the Alicorn 2

…

…

…

…

Do yourself a favor, guys… Go.

Just go, guys.

Seriously, you don’t want to be here for this… I don’t want to be here for this! I mean, after the first Soren the Alicorn, you really think I want to do this one again?!

Really?! After that first piece of shit where the author basically threw every cliched backstory the author could possibly think of in an effort to get someone who liked it and as a result made sure that nobody could like it?

No… I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have to read and review this. Especially this! … Huff…

Let’s just get this over with as painlessly and as quickly as possible. As long as it doesn’t have a word count that’s too high, we’ll be ok-

51,698 words total

… God fucking damnit!


So, for those of you who missed the first one, you are the lucky ones, Soren the Alicorn is an incredibly overpowered character who honestly makes Celestia and Luna look like Boulder by comparison. Which ultimately takes away from the story and the tension since nobody can beat him because he is so powerful. And even if he was defeated, he’s friends with the Doctor and the Doctor will just bring him back to life. … I’m not making that up.

He is called the “Elemental Guardian”, whose role and powers keep shifting depending on what the author wants to do that day. He’s first the guardian of the Elements of Harmony, he’s the guardian of Princess Luna, who he is romantically involved with…

Thanks to him, I am also five bits richer.

Shut up. … And what do you need with bits, anyway?

I do not. It is the principle.

Whatever… and he is also destined to defeat Firelord Ozai by mastering the four elements before Sozin’s Comet arrives.

He has some singing powers as well, which the story focuses the most on, but has very little to do with his powers of saving the world and the character arc he has altogether. Not that he has much of one to begin with.

During all that, a group called ‘the Nightmares’ attack Equestria and try to get Luna to become Nightmare Moon once more. They disappear after the first chapter they are introduced in and are never mentioned until 14 chapters later.

There are also some plot points about Soren being some special alicorn that is only born once every thousand years, is related to Octavia, was experimented on as a child and-

You’ve all stopped listening, haven’t you? Can’t say I blame you.

Let’s just read and review the piece of shit that is… Soren the Alicorn 2: The Effects of War.

Our story begins with Soren studying fire magic as he was asked to do at the end of the first one. I’ll give this story credit. At least Soren is now taking the Nightmare threat seriously.

Soren has been studying and training hard for his confrontation with Night Wing. He's in the library almost as often as Twilight Sparkle (and she lives there!) Princess Luna and Twilight have been mentoring Soren to the best of their abilities.

And there it goes… Story, most of us reading this are bronies. Most of us know that Twilight lives in the library. You don’t have to yell at us to tell us that she lives there! Most of us already know! And, I understand if this was an individual story, yeah, remind us. But don’t yell at us! Seriously, that exclamation point really bothers me! Was it really necessary to put it there? Were you getting so much hate that you didn’t put the location of where Twilight lives that you had to throw in a exclamation point?

Imagine if I had done this somewhere else.

“I was walking through the park one day (THE PARK OVER BY MY HOUSE!!!!!!)  in the merry, merry month of May (THAT MONTH THAT COMES ONCE A YEAR AFTER APRIL, YOU FUCK!!!!!).”

Yeah, kind of distracting, isn’t it?

Also, Luna and Twilight are apparently teaching Soren to defend himself. Isn’t it funny how Luna and Twilight are more qualified to do his job than he is?

As they are practicing, Pinkie Pie, the least liked pony of the author’s favorites, appears and says that the singers from the last story want to say “Hello.” Of course, being the perfect hero that he is, Soren stops training to say hello to characters who amount to nothing. And thank you, Pinkie Pie, for being reduced to a messenger for this story. That is the most she ever amounts to.

Hey, I didn’t write it.

Also, I remember Soren being distraught that he almost failed when the Doctor had to come save him and he ran off to train without endangering his friends. … He sure got over that fucking quick, I guess.

Soren: Hmm… Well, I was going to isolate myself to protect all of my friends and family, but then I remembered, Luna has boobs. … Yeah, I’m staying. Screw your safety, I’m getting me some moon tonight!


So, Soren goes to see the singer twins and they ask what’s been happening lately. And our quirky hero has this to say…

"Oh you know, little things like: finding my lost family, reuniting Twilight with a long lost friend, and there's that Nightmare Guardian I have to stop. Nothing big." Soren could help but smile after that sarcastic listing.

Ha, ha, ha, I have no reaction to all these life changing events, whatsoever. I’m so bland.

Seriously, Rainbow Dash reacted to being an alien better than Soren does to all these things!

"You sound like an interesting pony to be around, but we figured that out a long time ago."

Well, that makes one.

The girls ask if Soren wants to sing with them, but Soren explains that he has important work to do… Which he interrupted by wanting to say hello to them. Glad we could establish these characters again in a not time wasting way. Say goodbye everyone, the girls were only here to remind us they’re in this story.

Goodbye, girls! See you later! Hope you girls have better luck in other stories!

After that important scene, Soren goes back to practice some more of his fire magic and if the story wasn’t ripping off Avatar the Last Airbender quite enough for your tastes, here’s the scene where Soren burns Luna using his fire magic.

Within seconds, the snake of fire he was controlling nearly doubled in length. As the snake of fire jumped from rock to rock to burnt tree, Soren was finding it increasingly difficult to control the thing. Eventually, Soren was straining so hard that the spell snapped, and the fire exploded into every direction. After he heard the fire scatter, Soren then heard a scream of pain from nearby. He looked to his left and saw Luna sitting on the ground, holding her right side.

"Luna, what happened?" Soren asked worriedly. "The fire hit you, didn't it?"

But… Luna, because our hero is just so perfect, instantly forgives him. Yeah, I think that’s how Last Airbender did it! I’m starting to see how this is going. The author loved Avatar the Last Airbender, but decided it wasn’t glorifying himself enough for him. So, he rewrote the entire series as a love letter to himself! God, wouldn't that make so much sense?

"Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. Burns are not one of the most pleasant pains." Luna looked at Soren and could tell that he felt extremely guilty for her getting burned.

Ah, so we are readying the BDSM scenes. I didn’t know Luna was into that type of stuff.

Soren, it wasn't your fault. We were the one who instructed thee to increase the amount of fire."

Oh, of course! I mean, why would it be his responsibility?! Why would his mistake be anything but his fault? Why would him practicing in a library, a confined space, using a dangerous element, rather than… oh, I don’t know… Out in the fucking open be his fault? Wow, this hero is teaching me all kinds of good morals. It isn’t ever my fault if something bad happens. He just inspires so much.

… Yes, there is a bit of animosity here. Fucking deal with it.

"Girls...I don't think I can use fire...at least not until I fight Night Wing," Soren said seriously.

Why not Aang? I mean, Aang. I mean, Aang. I mean… No, I meant Aang.

And isn’t it odd how he knows the specific time when he will use fire magic? In the show, Avatar the Last Airbender (I’m counting this as a Last Aribender/MLP crossover. Apparently the story needs it.) Aang never wanted to use firebending after burning Katara and thus was afraid of learning firebending despite the entire world needing him to learn it. It was out of fear that he never wanted to learn it and he was hesitant about learning it, even after he found a firebending teacher.

So, why would Soren be so confident that he knew he would get over his fear, so specifically? It makes no sense! Does Fluttershy know exactly when she’s not going to be afraid?! Was one of the lines in ‘Sonic Rainboom’ from Rainbow Dash “I’m never going to be able to perform the Sonic Rainboom unless one of my friends is in mortal peril and Celestia is too lazy to save their asses!”

So, after the shock and horror of what Soren had done to hurt Luna using fire magic, claiming that he would never use fire magic unless it was to defeat a villain, what does Soren do? … Take a guess…

When Soren was alone, he decided to try something to vent his frustration. After stretching his wings, Soren flew up into the air. While up there, he gathered some magic and released it in a pillar of fire. The fire swirled around itself as it continued to go so high that most of Equestria could probably see it. 'The Elemental Guardian when angered' was Soren only thought as he continued the spell.

Chapter 1! CHAPTER FUCKING 1! I THINK THIS IS LITERALLY A RECORD PEOPLE! CHAPTER FUCKING 1 AND I ALREADY WANT TO MURDER KITTENS AND EAT PUPPIES! PRAY FOR THE APOCALYPSE PEOPLE! WE STILL GOT 24 MORE CHAPTERS OF THIS SHIT!

So, after Soren’s little outburst, he starts looking for Luna and Twilight but runs into Rarity. Rarity explains that she is sorry about being angry and him and her friends before… in the previous story?

Yeah, I have no idea what event they are talking about. I looked over the previous story, but I couldn’t find what moment in this story they are possibly talking about. The only thing I can fathom is when the Nightmare Forces took over Soren and Twilight’s friends. But even then, why is Rarity apologizing? Soren was under mind control too!

Oh, yes, I forgot! Soren doesn’t need to apologize because he is pure and good and just. All of these things that Rarity clearly isn’t.

Anyway, Soren reassures Rarity that they’ll always be friends and thank God he was there to cheer Rarity up, instead of, you know, her friends! Why don’t you just have sex with every character who is sad? You know you want to! It wouldn’t make this fic more stupid! We have Soren for that.

He heads to the Ponyville library and meets up with Spike to ask about Luna and Twilight. Spike response thusly…

"Heya, Soren," Spike greeted. "Do you need something? Perhaps a bed?" Spike laughed as he saw that Soren was about ready to collapse on the doorstep.

Ha, ha, ha! You want him to pass out and die…. Actually, I’m 100% behind that, Spike. Good job.

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Don’t get used to it, you little freak. But if it’s a choice between something else and Soren, I’ll always side with the thing that isn’t trying to be Jesus.

So, Soren goes to Luna and whispers in her ear something that is most likely where the story took a turn for the worst for me. And that’s saying something…

"Luna, can you come here real quick?" Without saying anything, the princess walked up to Soren and sat beside him. Soren then proceeded to whisper in his marefriend's ear. "Find the Doctor for me." Soren then collapsed and fell asleep. Twilight looked at Luna, who was still trying to figure out why Soren needed the Doctor.

So, yeah… apparently this is a Avatar the Last Airbender/Doctor Who/My Little Pony crossover fic. Why don’t we just go all the way and put in all the characters that our author likes in a story for no bull-shit reason at all other than to worship the ground that the author walks on?! Hell, it worked so well in Queen Annalese.

… I didn’t review that fic… Here’s the link to that one… Surprisingly it’s better than this one… But not by much…

So, apparently the Doctor is a main character in this story and Twilight seems to know a lot about him. As she talks about how villains and monsters of his universe are coming to Equestria and Twilight is trying to figure out why. How did this story go from trying to stop a cult from resurrecting Nightmare Moon, which has still not been dealt with, to the Time War?

What the hell connects them?!

Also, it is here that I have a really difficult time telling who is talking when. I realize that it just back and forth, but… Well, let me show you…

"Hey, Twilight," Soren said groggily. "Can I help you? You look like you're trying to read my mind."

"Who did you tell Luna to find?" she asked.

"It's private."

"Does it involve the Doctor?" Soren paused.

"...yes."

"Thank you for being honest with me. That's all I wanted to know."

"All I want is some information from him, that's all."

"He always owes somepony information, even me."

"Twilight..."

"I'm fine, Soren. I just...miss him."

"Maybe this will help you. Is Doctor from this world?"

"How did...? No...he's not."

"From the stories you've told me, I can guess that ever since the Doctor showed up, his enemies or animals from his world have also shown up. This also leads me believe that the longer the Doctor stays here, the more our two worlds combine. Maybe he's trying to fix this, and as a result, he is leaving more often and staying away longer. I know for a fact that if he loved you, he would never want to leave you for good." Twilight smiled at Soren's ridiculous theory.

Wow, that’s some bad talking head syndrome right there. Also, if you got a little lost of who is talking when, you are not alone. There were a couple of moments when I had to go back and reread a passage because I wasn’t sure who was talking. Maybe it’s just me and there are only two ponies left in the room, but there should be a little easier way to indicate who is talking. I realize you don’t want to write out ‘he said, she said’, but at least something. A movement, a twitch, a blink? Hell, it would help destroy the talking head syndrome!


Anyway, after cheering Twilight up, (God, Rarity and Twilight? How would the main six survive without this guy?) Soren does the only thing he’s good at… Napping.

Here’s to a hoping for a few sleeping during intense moments joke like in the last one.

He wakes up by…


"SURPRISE!" cheered five voices. Soren screamed and teleported away.

He teleported into the heart of the sun and burned to death… No, there is no joke there. I just really want this character to fucking die. Though knowing this character, he’d probably end up being Death’s college buddy or something and Death let him have a second chance because he helped him with his homework.

"Forgive us, Soren," Luna apologized. "We wanted to see if you would be scared by the same trick twice." Luna started to hold back a laugh. "And it appears that it worked again." Soren rolled his eyes and teleported himself to the floor.

"Why are you all here?" Soren asked.

"We wanted to check on you after Rarity said you looked like you could barely stand," Rainbow Dash explained.

So, you wanted to check up on him when he could barely stand… by yelling at him at the top of your lungs? … I’m starting to think the characters in this story are getting dumber by standing near Soren for a period of time.

Soren then explains why the Doctor is so important to his plan. See, Soren wants to find a book about learning Natural Elements. Once he’s studied and learned all the elements, he’ll return to the present in order to fight Nightmare Wing.

"That is probably the smartest plan of action right now," Luna said.

No… No, it isn’t.

One, if the Doctor can take him back in time to find a book about the Elements, why can’t he take Soren back when the Nightmare Forces were weakened by the Elements of Harmony and destroy them there instead of waiting for them to get stronger?

Two, Celestia has been around for 1000+ years. I think she’d have extensive knowledge and a pretty fucking big library at this point. How could she not have the book you are talking about? Did you even fucking ask her? No, of course not. Because she’s not your favorite character.

Three, how do you know that a book like this would even exist? Did it come to you in a dream off screen?! Were you just talking to random ponies and they just happened to mention that a magical book was lost in time and you just assumed that it was real?

Four, even if you did figure out that a book like that existed, how will you know where to look? You have given no time stamp of when it might have appeared or where in a period of time!

Five, you have the fucking DOCTOR! He has defeated some of the most powerful and intelligent begins in the universe! Why is he suddenly just a taxi driver and not a hero like he fucking should be?!

Twilight asks if she can go with them, but Soren says that it’s not up to him and it’s up to the Doctor. Oh, so Twilight and Luna are going to join the Doctor to become Soren’s companions… Yeah, it’s stupid, but we all know that’s where this story is going.

Later that night, Soren gets a vision of Nightmare Wing. It turns out that Nightmare Wing is just misunderstood and needs a stallion like Soren to show her the way. … I’m not even kidding…

"That may be true, but that pony told us to quit now before we hit the point of no return. If he makes a threat like that, he has something, or someone, to back it up." Night Wing paused. "I say it doesn't matter. I've been around for at least two years and I can still say that even if I give up and try to live my life, I won't fit in anywhere. I was created by Nightmare Moon to resurrect her when she fell, yet...I want to be something more than just a mare whose only goal in life is to resurrect her queen."

The next morning Soren, after keeping up with Rainbow Dash’s speed, gather Twilight’s friends to talk about the dream he had that night. And we get this line…

Soren and Rainbow Dash only managed to gather about half of their friends at Sugarcube Corner. The others were still tired and refused to come to the shop until they rested a little more.

So, the fate of the world is hanging in the balance and some of the friends refuse to get out of bed. Yeah, you want to know who the three are… Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy… That’s right… The main hero of the show… And my two favorite characters. They care more about their beauty sleep than saving the world… Thank god this isn’t an insult to their characters, otherwise I’d be completely offended by this.

:applejackconfused: Fluttershy, help! That manticore is going to eat me!

:fluttershysad: I’d really love to help you, Applejack, but… I’m just so tired… I’m going to take a quick nap… Can you handle it until then?

:applejackconfused: Um… Rarity?

:duck: I’d love to, darling. But I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. Be a dear and keep the manicore away while I catch my beauty rest, will you?

:applejackconfused: Um… Twilight? This manticore is ripping out my organs… Maybe you could use a spell to stop it?!

:facehoof: Seriously, Applejack! I am trying to sleep!

:ajbemused: I knew I shouldn’t have made fun of Apple Bloom’s Manticore Slaying Cutie Mark.

Soren explains the dream to Twilight’s friends and shares his belief that Nightmare Wing can be changed to good. Of course, being the closed minded heroes that they are, the main six do not believe him. After all, they’ve never seen villains in their show that have reformed. Oh, fucking wait!


But, Soren, being the perfect hero that makes me want to take a shotgun up his perfection and pull the trigger several times, (don’t take that out of context) is convinced that he can save this mare. Twilight isn’t behind this, but agrees to let it go for now.

They go to get some breakfast when Celestia sends a letter to Twilight. Oh, yeah, Celestia is in this story.

"To my faithful student,

Please do not stop reading this letter, for that would disrupt the timing. I can usually assume that Soren or Luna are with you as you are read these letters. My sister has informed me of Soren's plan of studying the Natural Elements, and I agree that this may be the best course of action for him.

As Soren works on his portion of the master plan against the Shadow Horses, it is time for the rest of you to do your parts also. Twilight, you are to accompany my sister and come to Canterlot. I will explain more once you arrive. The rest of your friends are to go from town to town, secretly recruiting ponies to fight in the upcoming battle. The ponies that you find will need to go to the Royal Castle and train with the Royal Guards.

In order to help Soren with his plan, I have included a special gift that is sure to surprise him and all of you. The reason I asked for you to never stop reading this was to perfectly time the gifts arrival. As you finish reading this sentence, he should start arriving..."

The second Spike finished that sentence, a familiar whirring noise could be heard. Soren and Twilight turned to face the appearing TARDIS, and then everyone else did the same.

Okay, how in the nine circles of hell did Celestia know the exact time that the Doctor was going to arrive?! Did she calculate Twilight’s ‘words read per minute’?! What if Twilight was reading a little slower today or opened up the letter a few seconds later, like she was in the bathroom or something? And it’s not like the doctor had somepony from the past send him a letter or something! Oh, I’ll come back to that!

:twilightsmile: To my faithful student, Please do not stop reading this letter, for

Hello, I’m the Doctor.

:twilightangry2: Do you mind?! I’m trying to read a letter here!


So the Doctor arrives to pick up Soren, but warns him that attempting to change Night Wing is pointless and that he will die if he does, but Soren is convinced that he can and ignores the Doctor’s warning.

So, not only is he spitting in the face of the main six, but he’s spitting in the Doctor’s face. Good to know.

Our next chapter begins with Soren already mastering Air Magic. … I think I’ve just confirmed that this is a Last Airbender ripoff.

"That was more studying than I thought I would do in one seating," Soren complained after studying in the Prance Library. The two stallions were walking through the big city towards the TARDIS.

"At least you have a head start in air magic," the Doctor pointed out.

So, after doing absolutely nothing in their current location, the pair decide to travel to the days of Starswirl the Bearded. I can’t wait to see how this character gets fucked in the ass.

As they enter the Tardis, Soren notices a particular statute in the Doctor’s Tardis… No. … No. He didn’t… He fucking didn’t…

"I never noticed this statue here before. Where did you get it?"

"Statue?" Then the Doctor's eyes widened. He turned to face Soren and his face paled upon seeing the statue Soren was referring to. "What ever you do, keep looking at it!" Soren jumped at the Doctor's change of volume.

"Why?" Soren asked. "It's just a statue."


Yes… for those of you Doctor Who fans in the audience, a Weeping Angel just appeared in the Tardis. … Let me repeat that… A Weeping Angel is in the Tardis!

For those of you who are unaware of who the Weeping Angels are… Here’s a quick summary. Weeping Angels are creatures that have the appearance and abilities of a statue when they are seen. When they aren’t, they are murderous creatures that stalk their prey like hunters and they are one of the most dangerous enemies in the Doctor Who universe.

You know it’s funny, I watched the episode the Weeping Angels first appeared in ‘Blink’ and you know what, THEY COULDN’T GET IN THE FUCKING TARDIS!

They needed the Doctor’s key to get into the Tardis or they needed to break into it. How the fuck did a Weeping Angel get into the Tardis without the Doctor or anybody else noticing? Did the Doctor just leave the front door open? My god, this is stupid!


So, Soren, being the master of awesomely contrivances that he is, is able to create an illusion that somehow tricks the Weeping Angel and the doctor and he suck the angel into a black hole. Pacing, ha… Who needs it?


So, they arrive at Canterlot 300 years ago, where they go to the library. A library that was abandoned for years. When suddenly, they are attacked by the Weeping Angels again. Soren and the Doctor get trapped… Somehow… and Soren has to once again save the Doctor.

Yep, this original character who is SO revolutionary… is apparently cooler than the Doctor…

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And just in case you were all wondering, there is no point to this scene! At all! There is no reason for the Weeping Angels to be in this story! They do not further the plot and they cause nothing to be questioned, challenged, or resolved. They are simply there because they are the author’s favorite Doctor Who villains and because he wanted them in the story, not because of anything they actually can contribute to what is going on, right now.

In fact, that is a good way to summarize this story as a whole. The author throwing together his favorite characters, villains and set pieces whether they connect with each other or not. Similar to how the Disney 7 worked. It gives us a whole lot of nothing!

So, after that, with nothing really resolved, Soren and the Doctor decide to go on their next wacky adventure!

It’s like watching an older brother and a little brother playing pretend, except one of them keeps making up new rules to the game!


Back in Equestria, it has been two weeks since Soren and the Doctor left on their little trip. Twilight Sparkle has written to Celestia telling us what we already know. That Soren believes that Night Wing can be saved and that nopony is really sure of that. This scene was entirely pointless.

Back with the Doctor and Soren, they have apparently collected all the books they’ll ever need on elemental training, ALL OFF SCREEN!

So do we have everything?" the Doctor asked Soren. Soren looked at and counted all of the books about elemental spells that he and the Doctor have collected over their visits to many different libraries. The Doctor suggested to Soren that he should simply collect the books he needs and then study them when they return to Ponyville. Soren greatly missed that little town, and he especially missed his friends.

Wow, I actually thought it was just me getting bored with the story, but…

Wow… Even the author is getting bored with this story! Seriously, if the author doesn’t want to even bother with making the journey with the Doctor worth it for the character of Soren, learning new things and seeing the various places and ponies he could possibly meet, than what was the fucking point of involving him!

Seriously, think back to the last chapter! They traveled to the period where Starswirl the Bearded lived! And they didn’t even so much as talk to him! He was mentioned! That’s it! They never actually interacted with him or talked to him! How much of a ripoff would it be if any of the Doctor Who episodes mentioned famous historical figures like Shakespeare or Queen Victoria and then the show have the bollocks NOT to have the characters meet them?!


My guess is, the author wanted to do this high flying adventure with Soren and the Doctor, but then he missed Luna too much or couldn’t think of any adventures that he could do with his character, being as unbelievably powerful as he is, so he threw him back in Equestria so he could have some moon time! That’s it!


So, they get back to Equestria, the Doctor and Twilight are a thing, I guess, and they all live happily ever after…

Story over?

…

No, because we still have the pointless plot of Night Wing to deal with. Apparently that is still a thing. Luna explains that a spy has infiltrated the Nightmare Cult… How did they do that in the span of two weeks? Oh, who gives a shit. And that when they battle the Nightmare ponies, they will give Soren a chance to persuade Night Wing to their side. However, Twilight is against this plan and will fight back against Night Wing if necessary.

Luna and Soren approach the group after they kiss and make up.

"That took you longer than expected, Soren," Twilight commented.

"Luna had to scold me and explain some things first," Soren said.

… Well… up yours, dickweed. Seriously, way to present your girlfriend as a bitch, asshole! Why don’t you just replace her if you’re unhappy with her?!

What are you doing here?! Get out of here! Why does that elephant show up at the most random times?


"Since the Doctor and I were gone far longer than planned, I think we need to get down to business. I hear we managed to plant a spy in the Shadow Horses."

"It's true," Rainbow Dash said. "Luckily Princess Celestia managed to find a colt brave enough to try, and it was so worth it."

Yeah, I’m glad we saw this instead of just being told this. Honestly, this spy character sounds a lot more interesting than the overpowered God I’m reading about. At least have the story admit that he is a God-like entity. At least, then I’d know he’s giving us the middle finger.

Fortunately, the battle is in two weeks, giving Soren ample time to study to prepare for the battle. And by two weeks, the story means next chapter. Pacing… fuck it.

Soren continues to study, but he needs to figure out how to convince Twilight that he’s smart, she’s dumb, he’s big, she’s little, he’s right and she’s wrong and there is nothing she can do about it.

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To do this, he asks Luna to help him give her the same dream he had that convinced him that Night Wing is actually a good pony. And thankful, Twilight is the only pony with a brain in this story and is pretty pissed off at the pony who invaded her privacy without her permission.

"Umm...me." Soren was slapped one second later. "I deserved that," he said while rubbing his cheek. "We didn't feel good about doing it if that makes it any better." Soren was slapped again. "Ow! What was that for?"

"That was for forcing me to see a dream without my permission. I figured this entire thing was your idea."

Twilight, you just became my favorite pony. I take back all the nasty things I said about you.

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Okay, about 20% of the nasty things…

So a few days pass and Soren is pretty much maxing and relaxing until the threat comes to him. He would be studying, but Luna thinks it’s a better idea to be underprepared than over prepared. But let’s face it, even if Soren is underprepared, he has been shown to be so powerful that he could probably blow his nose at them and the fight would be over. That is how interesting it is to read about this character. Any threat that comes across to him that he is cowering in fear of is pointless due to his incredible power. This story could literally be over in a matter of seconds.

But, unfortunately, our characters are too stupid to figure that out. All except for Celestia, who has been preparing her army to battle the Nightmare Forces.

Earlier today, Princess Celestia sent letters to every trustworthy city and town.

Every trustworthy city and town? I don’t think towns and cities are living beings, bro!


Although it was depressing, the weather set the mood perfectly for tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

Well, at least the author knows he’s going to pointlessly kill off dozens of thousands of ponies for no good reason other than to have a Lord of the Rings style fight scene. As if this story could not be a bigger crossover.

Apparently there is also a problem, an eclipse is going to happen which will strengthen the powers of the Nightmare Forces. A problem that is a huge fucking deal… except for Celestia and Luna control the sun and moon. Or had we forgotten that detail?

It pretty much doesn’t matter what extra powers or abilities the Nightmare Forces would get during the eclipse because, unlike our world, the sun does not rise unless Celestia wills it. And the moon does not move unless Luna wills it. So, knowing that they know this information they are still allowing the eclipse to happen, even though they know the Nightmare Forces will get stronger as a result!

Maybe they are hoping that Night Wing will end up killing Soren and she can be the new main character of the story.

We can only hope.

So, after the army gathers, Soren takes command and talks to Twilight’s friends about what could be their final battle.

"I need to say something," Soren started. "These past few months that I have been in Ponyville have been exciting and fun, yet dangerous and stressful.

For the audience, it’s mostly just been dangerous and stressful.

I'm glad you all stuck with me until today.

Well, that would make one of us.

I have done nothing but put you all in danger, yet you still stayed by my side.

The Equestrians are kind of stupid that way.

I have put your lives at risk, but I have managed to save you at the same time.

Yeah, I killed your babies and set fire to your cities, but I at least gave you cookies afterwards.

Okay, so he gives his speech about how ‘Friendship is Magic’ and ‘All he’s learned’ and ‘Blah, blah, blah’ and I don’t care.

After that speech that was so awe-inspiriting, what’s the next thing that is different and new that we should be doing? More speeches! Wow, save some innovation for the rest of us, da Vinci. Celestia, Luna and Soren give speeches to the army the night before the battle, which was three days from when the first speech took place. Why was there a mist that gave the battlefield a depressing sight three days before the battle took place? Oh, never mind!

Luna and Celestia’s speech are pretty much nothing impress. Pretty lame as far as anything. Nothing too inspiring and nothing stupid enough to make fun of. It honestly feels like it’s just telling us plot points rather than inspiring soldiers. Now, Soren’s on the other hoof...

Soren took a deep breath and tried to relax as much as possible. "Some of you may be wondering what's so special about me.

From the moment I opened this story…

The speech ends… rather abruptly… I will say. It actually ends when a random stallion asks a question…

"How can we trust you to beat her?" a random stallion asked. "Some of us haven't even seen what can you do."

Ah, so I was at the battle of the ‘Nyrs’. Good to know. Actually, this doesn’t really make a lot of sense and just gives Celestia and Luna an excuse to talk about how wonderful Soren is. If Celestia, the pony who almost everypony in Equestria likes tells you that somepony is the only hope you have, wouldn’t you believe her? … I mean, I wouldn’t because I’m an asshole, but most ponies would!

The night before the battle Soren looks over the battlefield wondering what to do and let’s see… who hasn’t had a scene with Soren yet. Let’s see, we’ve had one with Rainbow Dash, Twilight, that was a given, Rarity and Pinkie Pie… Let’s do Fluttershy next…

No reason to. Let’s just use Fluttershy. They can talk about anything. Anything at all. How about Fluttershy not being able to see Soren again, even though they have never had much of a relationship to being with! My god, that Statue Salespony from ‘Trade Ya’ and Fluttershy had a better relationship than this! I at least believe the interactions between them!


"Because I'm scared that this may be the last time we see you." Soren could see that she was fighting back tears. Even Soren felt like he might start crying because of how sad she looked. Instinctively, Soren walked over and hugged her. He shushed her softly so she would relax.

And our first chapter of the three part Battle of the Niers ends with … nothing… Nothing happening at all. The most that happened in this chapter is that the army was gathered. Nothing as far as character development or furthering the plot… What a waste of a chapter…

Our next part in this three part Battle of the Nears begins with Soren promising that Luna and Rainbow Dash will not die during the battle. This is kind of funny because Soren is actually cheating on Luna with Rainbow Dash… That’s not a joke. That really did happen.

Soren flies off and finds the caves that Night Wing is hiding in. Her real name is Nyra, but I don’t care. Night Wing attacks Soren and the two begin to fight. Oh, I can’t wait for the two to go super saiyan, spending about 5 minutes fighting and then 20 minutes talking about how they are going to destroy one another.

They fight for a bit with Soren trying to convince her that she is evil and that she needs a big strong stallion to come and save her. Fortunately, our villain is trying to keep her brain and fights back. Come on, Night Wing, you can do this! Fight, win!

"A...Trust Spell?" Soren asked between gasps as he continued to lay there. "You do know...what happens...if you...betray me?" Nyra nodded. The Trust Spell is more dangerous than one first realizes. It connects two ponies together for as long as the caster wants. If one pony were to harm or lie to the other, then the betrayer will go through pain based on what they did. Nyra used the spell on Soren to make sure he wouldn't lie to her.

And that right there is why I don’t date unicorn mares, one Trust Spell and I might as well kiss my collection of stuffed animals good bye.

So, yeah, I guess with very little effort, Night Wing decides to trust Soren… to come up with a Trust Spell? You know what… whatever I need to believe to get this story over with quicker. I will believe raccoons can fly out of my ass as long as this story ends faster!


And the next scene we see with Night Wing goes like this…

'This conversation with Nyra is going nowhere!' Soren thought. 'She is still too stubborn to listen to reason.'

Yeah, because I believe that in the nothing we’ve seen. I truly believe that this is what we’ve seen! That Soren and Night Wing are having this conversation that has nothing in it!


Night Wing ends the Trust spell and attacks Soren… and Soren counters with… I can’t do this shit justice… Just… just…

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So… where do I begin, hmm?

First of all, is this really the song you want to associate with your ‘hero’? This is the most grimdark/humorous song you could possibly sing! It talks about how he’s going to kill you to show his love interest how much of a better man he is! And this isn’t supposed to be satirical like it is in Dr. Horrible, this is suppose to be taken 100% seriously! Seriously?!

Is this an evil part of him? One that we are just barely finding out about?! Because apparently, he isn’t cliched enough so we had to throw in this demonic force out of God knows where!

And the song! Don’t get me wrong, I love Neil Patrick Harris! But is this seriously the song that you associate with Soren the Alicorn! Why don’t you just throw in The Vengeful One by Disturbed while you’re at it?!


So, the two fight for a bit, before the Singer Twins make an appearance… to give Soren some back up? Isn’t that like having Superman gets some backup from Ma Kent against Darkseid?

"She's so hot, she's so flippin' hot," replied a deeper but still familiar voice. Both Soren and Nyra turned towards the entrance, which was equal distance from them, and saw two pegasi standing there. Nyra didn't recognize them but Soren knew immediately that they were the Pega-Singers.

… So … do the Pega-Singers want to fuck her? Whatever…

But, with all our villains powers, all our villains abilities, all our villains magic comes with one solitary weakness! … Lightly bumping into her! … Wait, what?

Soren watched at the Pega-Singers began to sing and dance around Nyra. She constantly tried to blast them with magic and even tried to levitate them off the ground. Since she could only see one at a time during levitation, whenever she tried to levitate one, the other would bump into her to disrupt the spell, thus releasing the twin. Soren took this opportunity to set up a certain spell that would end this.

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So, with this, Soren is able to cast a Horn Lock spell, and they stop Night Wing’s magic. Well, that was anticlimactic and the battle of Nyyyyers ends. Also, remember that eclipse that was suppose to make the Nightmares stronger? Yeah, didn’t that play such a huge role?

So, as punishment for her defeat, Soren plans on singing a song for her. Farewell, Night Wing. We hardly knew thee… A lot of truth to that statement…

And the song that Soren chooses to sing is ‘Undisclosed Desires’. Funny, that was the song that made Luna fall in love with him in the first story. Apparently, this song is the all powerful song that can tame the will of any savage beast. Fuck Beethoven and Wagner, the Muse is the greatest musical force in the universe.

And with that, Soren finally saves Night Wing from being killed by him… Only to be killed by Rainbow Dash… No, I’m not fucking kidding…

A sickening piercing sound echoed throughout the room. Soren managed to see what had just happened: a stalactite flew straight into Nyra's side, going through most of her body. She didn't scream in agony but simply fell over, shocked.

"WHO THREW THE ROCK?" Soren asked in a voice that rocked the room. With his flaming wings, glowing eyes, and slightly bloody forelegs, Soren was indeed a terrifying sight.

"I threw it!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she flew up to get in Soren's face. Without calming down, Soren's eyes turned normal, and they both floated back down at the same time. Soren still held the same, mad expression as he landed.

"Why?" Soren asked angrily. Rainbow Dash proceeded to explain to Soren how they were traveling through the Canterlot Caves to find me. Eventually they heard singing so they followed it. Within a few minutes, they found this room, and the first thing they saw was Nyra casting a spell. Panicking, Dash saw the stalactites on the ground, picked one up, and threw it across the room.

"Soren, I'm sorry," she apologized. "You know I wasn't trying to actually kill her. We just wanted to make sure you were safe." Soren didn't say anything right away. He walked away from them towards an empty portion of the room. Turning back to face his friends, Soren spoke again.

So, yes, Rainbow Dash just killed a pony in cold blood. This story actually had the ball testicals to make Rainbow Dash … into a murderer. … Holy fuck, this is the moment where the story finally jumped the fucking shark! And that is saying a fuck load! It wasn’t the horrible overpowered bullshit that jumped the fucking shark, it wasn’t the fact that he was Octavia’s sister, it wasn’t the convoluted backstory that is confused as fuck, but it was the fact that he turned a beloved character by about 50% of the fan base, into a cold blooded killer, accidental or not! Good fucking Christ! You just couldn’t accept it, could you?

You couldn’t accept that Rainbow Dash was the most popular character in the My Little Pony universe and not Soren! You just couldn’t accept that! So you had to make this last minute unrealistic, so far out of character that this might as well be Jason fucking Voorhees bullshit that makes Rainbow Dash look bad so we can make Soren look good. Fuck! YOUR! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!


…. …. …. I should just stop… I could easily stop the review right there… There is nothing … Nothing that can top this kind of stupidity… Unfortunately… for me… the story continues on…

So after Soren fucked the entire fan base of My Little Pony in the ass, Soren speaks with a voice in his head named Cain… I have no idea who this character is nor is he mentioned prior. I’m just going to assume that the story doesn’t care anymore and is just throwing together whatever it can. Soren decides to sing Night Wing one last song. Sure, why not? We haven’t had five songs dedicated to her!


But since the story is clearly out of it’s mind, I’ll put the song I will used to describe my situation.

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So, we literally just had a song… What’s the next thing we should do- Oh, fuck it, you all know what’s coming next?

Soren noticed that although he thought Cain sang at the end, it was actually him that sang the last line. 'No!' he yelled at Cain. 'I'm not letting you fill my head with any more angry emotions or songs.' Soren ran over to the mouth of the cave and took a deep breath of fresh air. He managed to catch a glimpse of the mountain that Canterlot was built upon. Becoming saddened again, Soren decided to sing another song.

"I got dosed by you and

Closer than most to you and

What am I supposed to do

Take it away I never had it anyway

Take it away and everything will be okay

Oh, my god, are you trying to make up for how many songs you had to skip in order to actually have character development?! Was it really that hard to come up with an actual story for most of this, so instead of trying a little harder you actually decided to try a lot less?! The song takes of most of the words in this chapter. They tell us nothing about the characters, nothing about the situation, and are not entertaining because I can’t hear them. So, why are we wasting our time with this?!


So, the Doctor appears and tells Soren that Night Wing was always destined to die, so there really was nothing he or Soren could have done about it. … Well, thanks for that, Doc. It’s not like you could have told them or anything. Sparing Soren the pain and maybe Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have been a dick! But whatever… The Doctor says that he has to balance out Soren’s magic (Just pretend like you know what it means, believe me it will be a lot less painful) and then the Doctor…. Oh, Jesus shit, are you fucking kidding me?!

"You have to erase the Elements from my memory, don't you?" The Doctor nodded.

"But keeping one won't hurt you. Which one do you like the most?"

"I guess I'll keep Air...but Doctor, how could you of all ponies erase magic?" He chuckled.

"I won't be doing the erasing. She will." The Doctor pointed to the TARDIS, and her doors opened soon after. From those doors, Princess Luna walked out into the cave. The midnight mare looked sad as she approached Soren and hugged him.

What?! What?!... WHAT?! WHAT?! You mean to tell me that the last five fucking chapters of this story where he is learning the magic of the Elements to go on this dumbass Avatar the Last Airbender quest… has been for nothing?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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………..

…

…

…

…

You know, Nicholas Cage… I think we are on to something here… Black Velvet would spice up the library a little bit…


What do you think, Shark Handpuppet?

… Hey, you’re right… Why are you called a handpuppet? … I don’t even have hands…

So… Luna tries to wipe out the Elemental Powers from Soren, except that Soren doesn’t like that and causes a backlash that knocks him and Luna out. … The guy really is an ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts beating her by the end of this.

Our next chapter begins with Twilight writing a letter to Princess Celestia about how heroic the main six were by stopping a forest fire! … I’m glad these events were told to us, rather than, oh, I don’t fucking know, shown to us in a way that shows that the main six don’t always need Soren to come and save their asses and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves!


Apparently, during this fire, the main six run into a character in a black hood, because the story is bored of itself and it already wasted the Nightmare Forces plotpoint, so now it has to hastily throw in a villain without anything establishing it.

When we surrounded it, the pony began to speak. It was stallion, but what was strange was that he seemed to recognized us. (Also Rainbow Dash pointed out that this pony was a unicorn.) The strangest part, though, was how he talked; he only opened one eye at at time as he talked to us. (We couldn't see his face, just his glowing eyes.) One eye was glowing yellow and the other was glowing grey. As he switched eyes, his voice changed, almost like he had two ponies in him. One voice sounded slightly sinister, the other voice...sounded a little like the Doctor. I knew it wasn't, but that still raises the question: Who was this pony?

The main six confront this character, but he manages to get away. Well, it’s good to know that the characters we love are still as fucking useless as ever. Makes me really want to continue on.

We then cut to ..

Three Days Earlier

… You know… I’m not going to question it. An amature writter involving timetravel with no clear set of rules… I imagine this timeline is going to look like a tangled mess by the end of this.

And then… in one solitary moment… one moment… the story… actually does something… amazing… I know it is hard to believe, especially after everything we have just seen, but believe me when I tell you that this has the makings of something good! So, the Doctor takes Luna to her room for medical treatment after Soren and Luna had some kind of magic backlash when Luna tried to erase his memory. Celestia arrives and tries to aid her, only to find out that… Luna is perfectly fine… except one, itty, bitty, little, tiny, miniscule, little detail that she can’t quite remember…

"The Nightmare Guardian was here?! Who is this Soren stallion who apparently has the power capable of defeating her?"

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Oh my god! This is glorious! Luna can’t remember who Soren is! Thus isn’t in love with him! And will no doubt send Soren into a depression because she will see Soren for who he really is and she will scorn his love for her and he will jump off a bridge and kill himself as a result! My children! This is a good day for us! Now is the time to celebrate! Shark hand puppet, dance with me!

Or this could be a chance to relive the dating part of the relationship since Soren and the author are incapable of wanting commitment.

DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME!

It turns out that Luna had decided to erase her memories of Soren rather than erase Soren’s magic… Then why the fuck did she agree to this plan with the Doctor.. oh, never mind! And because she didn’t erase the magic within Soren, his magic is still threatening to overwhelm him.

Yes, people, this story just told us that Soren is so powerful that it is literally killing him. Oh, the sweet irony.

Back over to the God that is literally killing himself, he is visited again by the evil voice in his head that tells him to listen to him when he says he wants to do bad things. Soren, of course, agrees. Well, I don’t see anything that could possibly go wrong with this scenario.

So it turns out that the forest fire our main six had to take care of was caused by the evil voice in Soren’s head… and Soren just lets it happen. Our hero, everypony! Will set fire to the city if a voice that he knows is evil tells him too. I imagine Darth Vader would have a field day with him.

The main six finally track him down and like I said before, he teleports away before the main six can catch him. All the while Soren and the evil voice in his head are arguing back and forth, almost like Soren allowing the evil voice in his head to take control was a really stupid idea.

'What are you looking for anyway? You know I can help right?'

'Yes because you're totally going to help an evil pony.'

'I can try to separate myself from you if you don't trust me.'

'We both know I'm not going anywhere, old friend.'

'We both know I'm more than capable of finding a way to get rid of you.'

'But why would you rid yourself of the only thing keeping you sane?'

So, Soren goes to Luna deciding that he’d better apologize for frying her brain, but shock of all shocks, Luna doesn’t remember who he is. Instead, Luna asks for his name and that sends Soren into depression. Ooooh, this is looking promising. All I need now is Murdering Moxie to have her way with him. Go into as much detail as you feel you need. Trust me, I’ll enjoy it.

We then cut to Twilight and her friends where they do the one thing they haven’t done in this fic thus far…

After Twilight and her friends encountered the hooded stallion, they gathered in the library to figure out what to do about him. They all agreed that they may know this stallion. With that in mind, the seven friends (including Spike) began to think.

I’ll be the first to admit, I actually thought they had forgotten they knew how to do that.

Twilight is able to figure out exactly what happen with Soren. I honestly have no idea how or why, but let’s see if you can do better…

"Yes, Spike?"

"I think I know who it could be," he said. Everypony became silent and stared at him. "Maybe it could be Soren." They all gasped in disbelief.

"Why would it be Soren?" Rainbow asked. Then everything began making sense for Twilight.

"Wait," Twilight interrupted. "Spike may be on to something. Do you girls remember that evil half of Soren we had to deal with? If you remember, we never stopped him; he just teleported away. What if he caught up with Soren and merged with him somehow?"

Are you kidding? It sounds more like she was reading the script rather than figuring anything out.

Back over to Soren, seriously this story can’t sit still for five minutes, it’s like a child on a sugar high. Soren is all sad because his little Luna doesn’t remember him. I don’t know why, I don’t plan to remember him after all this. And evil voice is concerned about his love life because despite his weakened mental state, evil voice cannot gain complete control over Soren. I’m slowly starting to think that evil voice is an incompetent idiot. Oh, and by the way, might as well forget about the Magical Overwhelming Powers thing. The story does too.

Cain decided to come back to Ponyville, for he felt Soren needed some kind of closure. (He never told Soren but the truth is that Cain can't continue his plan if Soren is completely out of it. Although Cain has an evil plan, it doesn't mean he is completely heartless. Since Soren, who Cain technically calls a friend, was struck with that much emotional turmoil, Cain decided to help him by taking Soren to Ponyville to find a friend to give him comfort.)

Well, thanks for that bit of character development that was told to us, rather than fucking shown to us! Seriously, you put his character development in parentheses! Why is evil voice’s character development in parentheses?! And why does evil voice care about Soren’s well being?! Why does he need Soren to begin with?! Why does he consider Soren a friend?! Why does he want to give Soren comfort?! Why is he not technically evil to the guy that basically threw him out in the street?!


Soren goes to find Rainbow Dash and explains everything that has happened to him. Rainbow Dash should probably do the smart thing and think he’s crazy, but she hasn’t show any intelligence yet due to her MURDERING A PONY IN COLD BLOOD. You know what, I’m calling you Killer Cranberry. Because clearly Rainbow Dash was killed by one in between stories.

After Soren explains his story and says the dumbest thing that has ever been said in the history of dumb things…

Soren then hugged her and whispered "Don't forget to cherish me."

I will cherish you when you are six feet under with several knife wounds in your face!


Soren and the evil voice go to the Castle of The Sisters where evil voice reveals his evil plan. And to Soren’s shock and horror, it is… to take over his body…

So Cain?'

'What is it?'

'Can you tell me what your plan is now?'

'If you really want to know. My plan is to make sure I stay with you forever. More accurately: I would be taking over your body.'

Oh, no! Who would have thought that an evil voice that tried to take over your body before would do the exact same thing if you let him this time?!


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So a few days pass before Soren’s body is to be completely taken over by the evil voice. What the fuck has he been doing while he’s waiting for the evil voice to take him over? Sticking his thumb up his butt and reciting the alphabet backwards?!

But thankfully the Doctor arrives to banish the evil spirit out of Soren. Oh, good another plot point introduced as quickly as it is resolved. I don’t think the entire Harry Potter franchise had this many plot points! And the Doctor shows the evil voice a stone that allows him to use magic, even though he’s never needed magic before but I guess when you don’t have to care, you don’t have to explain anything.

"Oh but that's where you're wrong. I do have a plan, and it's absolutely brilliant!" The Doctor pulled something out of his brown mane. It was a light blue rock in the shape of an eight pointed star. "Do you know what this is, Cain? I bet you don't. This is what's going to help me save Soren...by allowing me to use magic!"

The Doctor explains how he plans to use this magic to cause some kind of paradox which will somehow prevent Soren from being taken control of or some shit like that. Look, I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m just trying to make it through this thing with some semblance of sanity left. And the evil voice is defeated… Yay. Two villains defeated in one story. I think that calls for the ending. But of course it isn’t… because we have 10 more chapters… … Hooray…

The next day, Soren recovers from him passing out, he seems to do that a lot in this story, and wakes up feeling new and refreshed. Maybe now we’ll actually see something interesting. Oh, who am I kidding? Two stories and we haven’t seen Jack Shit!


"Looks like the crazy alicorn is finally awake," Spike joked.

"Heh, give me a break. I was almost possessed...again.

You choose to listen to an evil voice!

"Hey Spike? You're never really with us when we go off on some crazy adventure. Don't you ever feel left out?"

"Twilight asked me this before. I guess you can say I feel left out, but after seeing all the damage that those adventures can cause, I think I would prefer to stay in the library. I couldn't be that much help to you guys anyway."

And yet, I’d rather watch Power Ponies again than have to sit through this shit.

Soren is let go from the hospital after a day and goes to see Twilight’s friends. At Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie throws an ‘Unfortunately, Soren is still alive’ party where they all take turns throwing darts at his picture on a dartboard. Ironically, Luna got the highest score.

Soren only took one more step forward before he was tackled by Pinkie Pie. Luckily, Spike jumped off of Soren's back in time. As she gave Soren a bear hug, Pinkie Pie was so happy to see him that she began to talk so fast that Soren couldn't understand her.

"You were unconscious for one day and you already have mares all over you," Rainbow joked. Soren got out of Pinkie's chokehold and wiped himself off.

Well, gee, Cranberry, when you put it that way, it sounds really stupid.

Soren laughed once again before he and Spike sat down with the three mares. The conversation started, and Soren quickly learned that his friends haven't been doing that much since he left.

As we all know from the show, the main six’s lives are pretty fucking boring without him.

They break the news that Luna’s lost her memory of him and that she’s better off for it. Soren gets heartbroken and goes off to commit suicide. Oh, wait, that’s my version of the story. Soren actually does start blaming himself for what happened, but Twilight of course, explains that it wasn’t his fault. Again, no need to take responsibility for your actions! It’s only a heroic thing to do!

But he shouldn’t feel sad about Luna because he’s got the mare he was cheating with. Cranberry. Oh, you all forgot about that? Oh, I made sure I didn’t. Yep, in the last story, Soren was cheating on Luna with Cranberry. … Our hero, everyone. The pony we are supposed to look up to in this story.

And I just noticed something… Something I never thought I would say… This story… This relationship between Soren and Luna… and how it ended… is somehow WORSE than One More Day.

In One More Day, for those of you who aren’t comic book guys, Peter Parker and Mary Jane sell their marriage to the devil to save someone Peter loves. It was a stupid and idiotic as it sounds. And was only made to so that the author’s daughter could get with Spider-Man. And Luna… forgets that she was in love with Soren… so that Soren can get with Cranberry.

There! Are you happy story?! You made me compliment One More Day?! ONE MORE FUCKING DAY?! I HOPE YOU BURN IN ACID!

Twilight comes up with an idea that blows everypony’s mind. Because everypony is feeling down, why doesn’t Soren sing for the town? And you guys didn’t believe me when I said the author hates Pinkie Pie. So, he goes to Vinyl and his sister, Octavia and plans a big party for all of Ponyville. Oh, I hope he has another song to sing that has nothing to do with the situation to begin with. This story is as good at choosing songs for scenes as Mykan is.

So, they have their big party. Want to see what happened in it? Of course, you do. But the story decided, “Nah, that’s not nearly interesting enough! Let’s show you guys this, instead.”

The party was amazing! For once, even Octavia was glad the party lasted for so long. Soren sang at least 15 songs, 3 of which were with Twilight. His throat was a little sore but he didn't care; he was having too much fun.

Jesus, this is making the Basketball game from the Disney 7 look like a Steven King novel.

After a night of partying, the Doctor appears and tells Soren that in order to start a new relationship with Cranberry, he has to kill two or more ponies. Don’t believe me, check this out.

"What fun is there in telling you exactly what you can do? I'll tell you in the form in a riddle: When a new relation is formed, a life or two must be taken."

Ooooh, I can’t wait for Soren to turn into a homicidal maniac. It might make him a little interesting… But not likely.

So, Soren and Cranberry go on their date together… Kind of odd, considering only a little while ago Cranberry murdered a pony in cold blood, but I guess since it’s the main character’s girlfriend, it’s completely forgivable. Now, if it had been Derpy who killed her, pfft, there’d be hell to pay!

Speaking of Derpy, Soren gets a vision about Derpy. Yes, I know she’s called Ditzy in the story, but I’m calling her Derpy because I’ve always called her Derpy.

And, just to confirm how much the story hates the brony community, here’s a line from Cranberry about all your favorite characters. Who is your favorite background pony? Maybe Octavia and Vinyl for their friendship or possible homosexual relationship. Screwloose, for her journey of psychotic to mentally stable pony who is now a part of our society. Twist, a young girl who realizes that she lost her friend when she gained her cutie mark. Derpy… Hell, I don’t need to explain Derpy.

So, now that you have that background pony in your mind… How do you feel about this?

"Unless the Doctor knew Ditzy, I don't think-" Soren paused abruptly. "Wait..."

"What?"

"Do you think it's possible that the Doctor had another pony companion before Twilight?"

"Wow." It was now Soren's turn to say 'What.' "It's nothing really. I just find it funny how there aren't many smart, interesting ponies in Ponyville besides our group of friends."

Wow… just… wow… I mean, I didn’t think this story could insult the brony community and our favorite characters more than it did, but… That’s really something. That’s really something amazing, I’m not going to lie. I mean, I’m sure you are all expecting some big speech about how stupid this is and how insulting this is but… Honestly… I’m spent. I’ve spent all my rage and anger about how insulting this story is. … Maybe this is why no reviews have been done of this because at this point most other ponies would have given up, and for good fucking reason. But… being the … ever loving idiot that I am… We continue…

So, Soren and Cranberry go to meet Derpy and confront her about being one of the Doctor’s companions. Seriously, I know it’s a popular headcanon, but how did this story go from Nightmare Forces to the fucking Doctor?! Seriously, how?! I know I’m dwelling, but that really fucking bothers me!


During his interrogation, the Doctor… appears in his head… and talks to him… If it sounds like I have no idea what the fuck is going on… That’s probably because I don’t.

Okay, from what I can gather, the Doctor has some kind of evil spirit within him and Derpy was a victim of domestic abuse from him and that the evil spirit came to him from Discord who is now in this story for some reason. Yeah, that’s never explained how he is able to put an evil spirit in the Doctor’s body or whatever. Honestly, if you are confused, it’s probably for the best you don’t give this story any more of your time.

They use an Emergancy Stone to signal the Doctor to come to their time, don’t ask, and they claim that there is still a part of him that is evil. And… tell me what this sounds like to you!

"How can that nice looking pony  possibly be evil?" Pendant asked.

"He is nice, but apparently he still has a little 'evil' left in his conscience," Twilight replied before looking at Soren. "Soren, you mentioned that the Doctor's conscience told you that witnessing his past can help him. How will that help?"

Okay… Do you think ‘evil’ is a disease or something? That you can just cut it out like a cancer or cure it with a shot?! It’s fucking evil! Everypony has a little bit of evil in their consciousness, you dumbass! But just because we have it, doesn’t automatically make it so! It’s the act of doing something evil that makes it evil, not just having it in our consciousness!

Soren goes to sleep, not that I blame him, I’d fall asleep too if I had to experience his life, and goes into the Doctor’s head to try and figure out what’s wrong with him. However, before going to dreamland, he ask Cranberry to sleep with him. And because of that, Cranberry, somehow, ends up in the same dream that Soren is in. Hey, if The High Road can use that dumbass explanation, I guess it can work here!

And why did Cranberry have to come along with Soren. So, she could watch Soren beat the shit out of the Doctor. Oh, yes. You heard that right. Soren is beating the shit out of the Doctor. Granted, it’s only the evil spirit that lives in the Doctor’s head, but hell, it’s still the Doctor. That’s what the story calls him. And way to have Cranberry reduced to a witness to how great and wonderful Soren is. God, that guy is just so amazing.

During the fight, Soren is possessed by… I don’t know, Doctor Magic? And starts to turn evil. He asks Cranberry to knock some sense into him, which she does. Literally. Like hoof to the face moment. Given what is going to happen right after, this is my happy place for the next year and a half.

The fight starts to go bad for Soren and Soren does what many of us should aspire to be like…

"You're going to hate me for what I'm about to do," he said before he lifted a hoof.

Rainbow then found herself in Soren's room. She looked at the bedroom window and saw that it was now sunset. Looking at Soren's sleeping form, Rainbow thought one thing: 'That son of a mule actually hit me.

…

…

…

…

…

Yep… You just saw that. Soren actually had the ball testicals to hit Cranberry. The stallion who says he loves somepony so much actually resorts to domestic abuse.

… Our … hero…

So, McBeatshiswife tells Cranberry to get Twilight so that they can defeat the Doctor. They do so and I am going to be honest, I’m rushing through this as quickly as possible.

"Dear, sweet Rainbow Dash," Soren whispered. "I told you that the plan was flawless, yet you still doubt me." Using the last of his strength, Soren lifted his head and gave Rainbow a kiss on the cheek before drawing his last breath. Both Twilight and Rainbow were in complete shock about Soren.

Soren: Well, you let me die and you ignored my plan. I’d say that means twelve belt whippings for you.

:rainbowhuh: But I didn’t even know what your plan was.

Soren: And for that you’re getting another twelve, you stupid bitch!

So, the fight with the Doctor puts Soren in a coma. But let’s face it, it’s a cheap way to make a Jesus metaphor without actually doing the resurrection thing. And Pinkie Pie says what is the most poetic justice line in the entire thing. Think of all the abuse that Pinkie has been through throughout the entire thing and how badly everyone, including The OC Abuser, treats her. Now, that Soren is in a coma. What does she have to say about the situation?

"This sucks," Pinkie Pie whined randomly, causing Twilight to snap out of her thoughts.

… That is so … disinterested in how bad their situation that I think Pinkie Pie was actually paid to say that line. God, could you just see her saying this with the same interest that Willy Wonka would when showing concern for one of the children?

"This sucks," Pinkie Pie whined randomly, causing Twilight to snap out of her thoughts.

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The six go through all the important things that Smacksabitch has meant to them. Funny enough, it’s the same amount of important things that he has meant to me.

I’m not even kidding. Look, look!

Fluttershy was the first one to talk to Soren. Since she didn't know what to say, the timid pegasus simply told Soren that they all appreciated him and his hard work.

Rarity was the next one to go. She wanted to cry when she walked in but decided to stay strong. She also didn't say much to him. She told Soren how brave he was to fight and fix everything to keep Ponyville safe.

Finishing her one-sided conversation with her friend, Applejack walked out of the room and looked at her friends. "Ah only apologized to him," she told them. Rainbow patted her friend on the back to comfort her.

Pinkie Pie decided to go next. No pony remembered how long she was in there because as soon as they saw a crying Pinkie Pie exit Soren's room, the five mares started to comfort her. They didn't ask anything; they just allowed her to let it out.

When Twilight saw her tears drop onto the floor, she got up and walked out of the room. Seeing that Twilight also began crying, her friends didn't ask anything of her as well, just like Pinkie

After walking out of the room, Rainbow was asked for the gist of what she said to Soren. "I don't wanna talk about it" were her only words before sitting on the floor. Her friends didn't press her more; they knew she was serious.

You know, it’s funny… If not even the story can tell us what makes Slappy Soren so special to the main six, how does the story expect the characters to tell us what makes him special to them? And if the main six can’t tell us what makes him special, why should we give a shit? This is the moment where their ‘friend’ might die and they have nothing… literally nothing to say to him! At least, that’s what I believe because, the conversations are never explored upon.

We are never shown anything of what these characters might have learned from Sir Hitsalot. Nothing is ever shown how each of the characters grow, or learn, or teach, or rebuild, or interact, or disagree, or anything that any character would go through with another character!

So, after an entire chapter of the Main Six singing his praises after he wakes up. I’m not even kidding… An entire chapter made for the Main Six to suck his cock. Oh, yeah, because they weren’t doing that enough!

But things are pretty bad for our heroes as the Doctor explains that HitsRainbowDashLikeaBongo will have to go up against the Master. A Doctor Who villain who is a rival time lord and the Doctor’s polar opposite.

So, they attack the Master… wow, that was some fucking buildup… Would sure make the Lord of the Rings shorter…

Gandalf: We must destroy the Ring.

Frodo: Let’s do it!


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So, the Doctor and BeatonCranberrySauce get captured by the Master and Queen Chrysalis, because… Because.

But Rocky’sMeatCarcass performs her Sonic Rainboom to free them and defeat the Master and Chrysalis.

And the entire city holds a party for TakesasludgehammertoRainbowDashbecausethat’stheonlythinghe’sgoodforinthispieceofshitstory, and everypony is happy this story is finally over. But nopony more than me!


HOLY FUCK BALLS ON A SHIT SANDWICH WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SHIT AND A LARGE DICKFUCK WITH EXTRA, EXTRA EXTRA COCKSAUCE!

I mean, christ, what is this? What the fuck did I just read? What the fucking hell did I just read? This story is beyond shit!


The plot is all-over the place! There is no focus, no central theme or plot, no care put into it. The character is a joke. He is literally a joke! This is the kind of OC’s that get made in order to make fun of shitty OC’s and yet we are supposed to take this character 100% seriously! Yeah, a character we are supposed to take seriously is also a character that is a joke.

The other characters are a joke in this as well. All they are is to worship the ground that the character walks on! That is all they are! The relationships are a joke! They never feel real! And the idea of switch Luna with Rainbow Dash for no fucking reason whatsoever is bullshit! Seriously, did you just get bored with Luna?! Was Luna speech pattern too difficult to write so you just moved on to an easier character? Or are you going to switch to Twilight in the next story because Rainbow Dash ‘can’t take the stress of being in love with a great hero like you’?

The backstory for this character is a joke! It never comes into play, or shows us how he became the pony he is! Everything about this story is a fucking joke, except that the story thinks that it’s supposed to be this Lord of the Rings style epic!

And as I read the author’s note, one piece of solitary evidence falls into place. Making everything make complete and total sense…

Now I don't know if any of you will care, but the main reason that every event in the story takes place isn't because I decided it to be so, it's because everything was in a dream. Yes, I am not lying, everything that happened up to this point was a dream. I had many lucid dreams as Soren. They connected like a story and I wrote down the details of what happened. After I personally added conversations, Soren The Alicorn was made. I won't care if any of you think I'm crazy or lying or something. What happened happened.

You know what? I actually believe it… I actually believe it. You know why? … Because that is how it feels it was written…

This story has nothing that connects to it at all. This story feels like random plots that were thrown together without any sense of context or connectivity. They were just thrown in their whether they made sense or not. And it shows. It shows, big time.

Soren the Alicorn was made by randomly throwing whatever thoughts came to mind and making a story about that without any care, passion or thought. And that is why this fic, is one of the worst stories I have ever had to sit through. Period. I feel sad for anyone who actually had to read this thing. I feel sad for anyone who had to experience it. And I especially feel sad for me, because there are two more of these that promise to be ‘more interesting’. Which means, even more confusing and stupid.

… Keep your small animals away from me for a while!


Come on, Shark Hand… Hoof Puppet … thing… I need a drink.

Sequel September: Caverns of Discord


Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

[page_break]

AND I’M ON THE LAST WEEK OF SEQUEL SEPTEMBER!

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And thank God because I don’t know if I could go through another week of this shit. Especially if the stories I would review are anything like this week’s piece of shit. The sequel to the Lost Prince called The Caverns of Discord.

Yes, we are finally breaking up the monotony of sequels to stories that just add a number to the end of it. We are actually using some creativity here. Which is more than I can say for the rest of the story.

Before we begin, many of you are probably wondering what is The Lost Prince. It’s actually a story about a prince who is the little brother of Celestia and Luna. And I just lost half of my viewers on such a stupid concept. Don’t worry, those of you who remain, it gets worse.

The prince becomes friends with the main six (Big shock there), reenacts Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, and murders a bunch of changelings. All while being seven years old. Yeah, I’m not excited about this either. But… we’ve got to end Sequel September with something so… here we go…

Hope is quickly diminished by the first thing we see… the long description…

Roy's life never got easier since he left canterlot as a young colt but his life did get better with all the ups, and downs with the moving to ponyville from the Everfree Forest,but in a maze discord created Roy's endurance, and self-control will be tested to the limit as his bloodlust reacts to almost every sighting of blood. Can he control himself or will he kill everypony on sight?

So, discord (That’s the force, not the character, as a character’s name would be capitalized) created the seven year old’s endurance and self-control. And oddly enough, this introduces the seven year old’s love of blood in the description. I told the main six that letting him kill all those changelings was a bad idea. But would they listen to me? Nooooooo….

Add on top of that the run on sentence that seems to go on for fucking ever and I already want to punch somepony in the face! Also, isn’t it odd how his life never got any easier, but it did get better? You’re sort of contradicting yourself!

And almost instantly the story gives us something stupid.

I had stayed up all night working in the forge on one thing. a small dagger able to switch in, and out of a leather strap without cutting it. having to use leather made this process harder than needed, because it takes a few gears, and so on for the blade to slip it out without cutting the leather, but when I had nearly finished I heard hooves pounding on the ground coming towards my forge.

So, he made a dagger that he could pull out of the leather sheath without cutting it. Clearly, in this magical world where people can build golden armor for the royal guard, the seven year old (I don’t care if he’s 18 by this point) is able to make a knife that doesn’t damage the sheath when you pull it out for use.

Again, in this world where you can use a fucking sewing machine, we don’t have knives that fit perfectly into our sheaths. What a fucking load… And that was the first paragraph, people. First, paragraph.

This one is going to physically assault me, isn’t it?

ROY! Fluttershy screamed as she approached quickly, and out of breath.

JESUS! I didn’t think it’d be that quick!

Fluttershy, calm down! You don’t need to yell at me!

Our lovely Fluttershy explains that the main six are in trouble and that the seven year old is the only one who can save them. Naturally, it provokes this response…

"What's going on, and can I make another one of these in time before I come over there." I reply to her as I slip on the leather bracelet thing with a dagger in it.

Because making another fucking dagger is more important than saving the life of your ‘friends’. Priorities, yours are fucked up!

Roy goes out to help Twilight and the others and finds out that Discord has attacked them. Discord has sucked out all the feelings of Twilight and the others, with only Fluttershy able to escape him. Funny, maybe this is him being 7 years old since when he first met Twilight, she was already friends with the other members of the main six. But what the hell do I know?

Discord explains that he used his knowledge of the Elements of Harmony to defeat them and absorb their emotions. The seven year old gets angry and evolves from a unicorn to an alicorn. Funny, I thought he used his magic to hide the fact that he was an alicorn in the last one, but what would I expect from someone who didn’t even read the last story they wrote?!

Roy attacks Discord and we get this lack of feeling line from Twilight…

"ROY DON'T!" Twilight screamed in an attempt to stop me, but I ignored her warning, and made a fatal mistake, because I flew up to him without a plan to stop him, because when I tried to buck him, he disappeared, and trapped me with magic in a single spot.

Yes, Twilight really has no emotions and/or feeling here. I could really tell that from the ‘Twilight screamed’ line or the fact that we had to put the line in all caps at the highest font we could find!


Discord, however, is quickly able to best Roy and traps him in a labyrinth. When Roy wakes up he finds Derpy... who has had her wings torn off. Classy. And to add to that, Roy gets ideas about killing her in violent ways. You couldn’t kill her if you wanted to… She’s the Goddamn Batmare!

Derpy explains that she’s been here for a long time and Roy goes on his quest to kill Discord. You couldn’t kill him if you wanted to… He’s the Goddamn Discord!

Roy travels through the labyrinth while tending to Derpy’s wounds. When suddenly he is attacked by shadow ponies created by Discord. Funny how Discord in the show doesn’t want to seem to murder ponies, because then he’d have no one to play with. Killing kind of seems out of character, but hey, that’s all this story is about. Bloodshed.

Don’t believe me? Well, how about when the shadow ponies bleed as he tears them apart.

One got close enough for me to kick it down, and smash it's skull into pieces by stepping on it while I used magic to increase the gravity on my hoove to slam down on their skull. Surprisingly they have blood, so they body starts to gush out massive amounts of blood starting to clump trying to stop the bleeding from the already dead shadow pony.

After going Michael Myers on them, Fluttershy meets up with Roy and of course, she trusts the psychopath who murdered everyone of the shadow ponies and is now covered in blood. Wouldn’t you?

Be like trusting a T-Rex not to eat you because he’s got blood on his face.

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After killing the shadow ponies, Roy tells Fluttershy and Derpy that he needs to teach them about a spell that they can use to teleport or something… I don’t understand it. Here’s what it looks like…

"Wait.Hold it. I need to teach you both some hoove magic that can make a teleport location to one place that you place a mark at." I tell them while showing them how to do the magic, and then how to make the mark on the ground. They both place the mark in the room since neither of them has their wings to get out of trouble quickly

So, I guess, it’s like a teleport spell that can make them recall to their old location… Or some shit like that. It’s not very well explained at all. And even if it was, how would Derpy and Fluttershy use that magic?! They are not unicorns! I mean, yeah, the theory is that Pegasi and Earth Ponies have magic that allow them to do certain things, but I don’t think teleportation is one of them! I don’t know it’s been a while since I saw an Ink Rose video about it!

I mean, I would even buy it if there was some artifact or stone that allowed for that! But no, there is no mention of it!


After that, Roy decides to get some rest and Fluttershy crawls up next to him and sleeps with him. … Okay, not in that way, but I’m sure it’s coming. When he wakes up he is attacked by Pinkamena, who wants to rape him… I’m not kidding…

"Well hello Roy nice to see you again, but this time we have some unfinished business since you are now mature enough. I will be taking a bit of a ride on your cock if you don't mind right? Of course you don't mind your a stallion, but once i'm done with you I will rip your cock, and balls off Roy." Pinkamena Diane Pie says approaching me

Okay, one… wrong. Two, what do you mean, ‘you’re a stallion, so it’s okay.’ bullshit! Yes, I realize that rape happens more to women than it does to men. But that doesn’t mean that rape doesn’t psychologically scar men! Why is it okay to rape a man?!


So, yeah, Pinkamena attacks Roy, but Roy is able to fight her back. Pinkamena whines about Discord not being able to get rid of Roy’s horn and wings… Which makes no sense because he was able to steal Celestia and Luna’s mane. But whatever.

And then… Pinkamena just stops… No, I’m not even kidding. Pinkamena just stops attacking Roy. For no reason…

"Of all the things Discord forgets to do. He forgot to take away your horn, and wings." Pinkamena said to me with a gleam of annoyance in her eyes.

"Pinkie Discord can't, because I can change from an alicorn to any kind of pony I want." I tell her as Fluttershy, and Derpy peek their heads around the corner.

"Roy! What are you doing to Pinkie!" Fluttershy says walking up to me, and stands between both of us.

"Well if you were here a few minutes ago you would have seen her trying to rape me then rip my crotch off."

"And I thought all stallions enjoyed sex way too much." Pinkie mutters a bit loud.

"Well I will just excuse myself from this awkward conversation." Derpy says backing out of the corridor

"I have an idea though for you Pinkie I might be able to teleport you out of this maze with the magic I have, but it will take a lot of my strength to do so." I tell her walking up to her past Fluttershy.

"Do it I wanna get out of this hell hole anyway." Pinkie says urging me on as her hair starts fluffing up again.

Seriously, I’m looking at this passage over and over and I cannot find any reason why Pinkie stops being psycho bitch who wants to rape and murder Roy to suddenly being ‘Smile, Smile, Smile’.

Did you just forget that she was a psychopath? Or were you just too lazy to come up with a reason why how she would be defeated without killing her?

Anyway, Roy teleports Pinkie Pie away, and Fluttershy says that she wants to stay with Roy and rescue other ponies who might be trapped here. Roy and Fluttershy have a tender moment and then Derpy is kind of a dick here.

"You two done? or are you just gonna forget about your little search Roy." Says Derpy butting in. "Because correct me if i'm wrong Roy you said that you were still gonna search after casting that spell." Derpy tells me with a stern look on her face.

I think the author was trying to make Derpy look bad so Fluttershy can look good by comparison. Based on what we see later in the story, that would not at all surprise me.

But since we did just have a fight scene between Roy and Pinkie Pie, we get another fight scene between Roy and some shadow ponies. Oh, wait, the Pinkie Pie fight didn’t have gore in it, so it’s completely different!


After some more pointless bloodshed, Roy goes back to Fluttershy and explains that they are all safe now. They enter the place that the shadow ponies were guarding and find Celestia and Luna who had been kidnapped by Discord. I swear, sometimes I think Celestia’s the Princess Peach of My Little Pony.

Roy rescues Celestia and Luna and they agree to help him find others that might have been captured by Discord. Something to mention is the pacing seems to be less focused on psychologic temptations that Roy has to fight in order to keep his sanity, which would have been interesting to see versus the pointless bloodshed. Also, since it is more focused on killing things than establishing a character, the moments when Roy isn’t killing something, thinking about killing something, describing how to kill something, or doing things that remind him of how he could be killing something are very brief.

Even the dumbass romance between him and Fluttershy, which I think you are supposed to feel for, honestly takes a back seat to the gory violence. If you are going to do this big debate with him trying to keep his sanity, actually do it! It’s just an excuse to write gore and it’s not even that good of gore! Just make the character an over violent idiot if you want to write this way!

Also, Celestia and Luna have no reaction to seeing Roy again. I guess that’s why there never was a search party for him.

Celestia: Didn’t we have a brother at one point?

Luna: Yeah, but he kept yelling at us and calling us ‘stupid bitches’.

Celestia: On second thought, I don’t think we have a brother.

Luna: Yeah, it’s really the best way to have him.

So, the group decides to get some rest and when Roy wakes up Derpy explains how she found the pony she was looking for when she was trapped down here. However, before Derpy could rescue him, she was attacked by several ponies who could use magic and … didn’t chase her. I guess when you’re a villain who lets heroes escape, you don’t think about how this could possibly bite you in the ass.

Changeling: My queen, Twilight Sparkle and her friends are getting away.

Chrysalis: Meh… let them go.

Changeling: But… my queen… we could totally catch them and kill them.

Chrysalis: Nope. Just let them go.

Changeling: Are you sure that’s the best move? I mean, they could come back and defeat you, you know.

Chrysalis: Come now. When has the villain letting the hero live ever backfired?

Changeling: … You are kidding, right?

So, Roy gets into the arena with three of the newest shadow ponies that Discord can create and they are all as powerful as he is. Except with one slight advantage…

"Oh Roy I hope you know these things will attack each other, but their ultimate goal is to kill you. Why are they all not trying to kill you. Well I will tell you why, because it's no fun watching one pony getting ganged up on by three others with the fight so one sided." Discord says popping in once more, but this time with skin like the wall as he blended in with it, but he disappears quickly after he says what he wanted to say.

Did I say advantage? I meant, handicap.

Seriously, why would you create villains that attack each other? That makes no sense! Are you trying to lose, Discord? Are you fucking high? God, I wish Dark Souls had thought of that! It sure would have made Ornstein and Smough easier to deal with.

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Wait, it doesn’t… Never mind.

So they fight for a bit with Roy getting the upper hand against one of them, when the other two start attacking him. And Discord gets a fucking kick out of it.

No… I’m not kidding. Take a look at it.

My magic blasts all three of them a few feet away where they all gather in an attempt to kill me. "Oh so they have joined forces to kill you I see how fun." Discord says obviously enjoying the show.

So, why did you have them split up their attacks on each other when you wanted them just to all attack him anyway?! Oh, fuck it. Let’s just get through this.

So, he manages to save Doctor Whooves. I know, big surprise right? Doctor Whooves explains that he is from another dimension… Which Roy instantly calls bullshit on. Doctor Whooves explains that, Yes, he isn’t from another dimension, but wants Derpy to think he’s cool, so he keeps lying to her.

Yeah, I’m sure that will work out for you in the long run, Doc. So, what are you going to do when Derpy does find out you’ve been lying to her for years? Or wants to visit your dimension? Or asks your family what’s it like to live in another dimension? … Yeah, kind of didn’t think this one through, did you?

Actually, it turns out that this is the Doctor in the body of a pony and he wants to piss off Roy so he can kill him and have him regenerate into a new body. Which, really makes the Doctor out as kind of a prick. I mean, I know he can sometimes be a bit cruel, but he usually has a selfless reason for doing so. This is just… kind of dickish. He uses Derpy as an excuse to be reckless so that he can regenerate and leave her. That’s pretty fucking cruel!

Roy attacks him in a blind rage, but Celestia, Luna, Fluttershy and Derpy appear and stop him. Roy, however, manages to cast a spell, and rather than killing the Doctor, he teleports him somewhere else. I don’t really know why he didn’t just kill him, but whatever, the story’s almost over.

And apparently, this entire chapter was made to make the Doctor a dick. Why? Because the author hates the character. No, really. That’s the only reason the Doctor is a dick in this.

Author's Note:

this is way over do but i'm too lazy to get anything done. At the least I got the pony I hate most in this chapter

Look, if you don’t like Doctor Whooves, fine, but… why would you make him so detestable for no reason?! It feels like you are purposely trying to get your audience to see your point of view, without even trying to meet them halfway. How would you like it if I took your favorite character and made them unlikable to the point of being unrecognizable?

:flutterrage: Angel, go die in a hole, you useless piece of shit! I never loved you!


:pinkiecrazy: Guess who’s number just came up?!

Batman: What are you, dense?! Are you retarded or something?!

After discussing the topic of taking Discord down, and this maze for hours, and hours on end. We finally came to an agreement of teleporting everypony out of the maze, and then dealing with Discord himself with the force of ponyville, and canterlot combined.

Because, why the hell would we want to show that discussion?

So, apparently, Roy is actually stupid enough to think that if the unicorns all band together, they will just magically somehow be able to defeat Discord. The dude ruled Equestria for years before Celestia and Luna had the Elements of Harmony! How the hell would an army of unicorns stand up to the guy who can alter reality?!

Oh, who fucking cares?

By the way, forget about this conversation because it amounts to nothing. Roy decides to forgo his friends and face Discord alone.

"Well then Roy I hope you know what you're doing then, because if you don't well lets just say it won't be a happy ending for you if we all get stuck back in here, because you couldn't take down Discord while you are in your current condition." Luna says frowning at me, because she obviously doesn't like me right now after trying to kill Dr. Whooves.

She probably doesn’t like you for a lot of other reasons too.

So, Roy goes into one of the cages and finds the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Who are still called ‘fillies’ in this story! Seriously, when does this take place?! Roy is called an adult, but clearly the characters around him haven’t grown up, since the Crusaders are still children, where as Twilight and the others are normal aged. And they weren’t children when they met, it was only Roy who was a child. So, why would Roy be the only one aging if....


Wow… my brain actually shut down from trying to figure it out… That’s a new one…

So, Discord appears and attacks Roy with a doppleganger of himself. This really shouldn’t be a problem since he’s slain Changelings all his life. Also, I wonder if this copy will attack Discord, just to make it a fair fight. What? It would follow his tactics perfectly!

They fight for a bit, because it’s not something we have seen. There is some gore which, again, is supposed to be disturbing, but I’ve seen this throughout the entire fucking thing, so it’s just become rather boring and juvenile at this point.

Discord, and the copy fall, but the copy falls on it's head cracking it's skull open while Discord floats down with growing fear.

Yeah, you break that skull, dude. That was a really cool moment. And only getting cooler after the 60th fucking time!


Not even kidding. Look at these scenes from earlier in the story.

manage to flip my blade out of the leather bracelet, and slip it into a shadow pony's face shattering their skull, and brain if they have one. I pick up two more of them, and toss them at the rest from both sides, One got close enough for me to kick it down, and smash it's skull into pieces by stepping on it while I used magic to increase the gravity on my hoove to slam down on their skull.

. As all three of them are upon me I use my uninjured wing to push them back onto the ground where I slam one of their skulls in with increased gravity from my magic, and two back hooves.

This feels like someone who just found out what gore is and decided to write a story, filling it with as much as it could without properly understanding the repetition equals boredom.

So, after Discord is pretty much beaten, he agrees to teleport everyone home and leave Roy in the prison for all eternity. And here’s my question, if Discord can just leave Roy, the only magical being that can stop him, in a dimension where he can’t escape, why doesn’t he just put him in a magical dimension where he can’t escape and just leave him? And when he does leave him, what’s to stop him from wreaking chaos again now that the only opposition is gone? You don’t exactly have to be Patton to figure this kind of shit out. It’s not like just because Roy gave him a ‘big, scary’ threat and has no power to back up said threat, that Discord is just going to roll over and play dead.

But, the Discord we got is a little on the stupid side as he does teleport all the ponies back home and continues taunting Roy, even though he’s technically already won.

Roy continues to search for a way out and eventually finds Discord, they … you guessed it… Fight for a bit. It’s almost like this story has become formulaic. And so Roy wins and our hero does the most lovable thing he could possibly do… Skins Discord alive.

… Surprisingly, it’s not as gruesome as you might think. It’s like the author wanted to do this, but actually had no idea how to present it in any gruesome fashion, so he just threw up his hands, said “Fuck it” and just plastered ‘I skinned Discord’ all across the chapter as if it was supposed to mean something.

He manages to get home. I’m not questioning it, why should you? He hangs his victory over his wall like a trophy and nopony sees anything wrong with this at all and Roy goes back home to plot everypony's demise.

Yeah, this story is shit.

It’s a completely immature story that is going for the shock value than the actual story or characters. The only thing that’s missing from this story is a big pair of boobies bouncing about in every other scene and the teenage hormone triangle of cliches would have been complete.

It feels like ‘child’s first gore’ fic. It’s just a big pile of scenes that are trying to be gory for the sake of ‘Oh, I just found out what blood is and I’m going to spread it on everything.’ And even then, it’s not that gory. It just tells you what happens, rather than going through every agonizing detail of what kind of trauma the body might go through in these situations. That’s what good gore would do. Detailing how every single bone of the spine rubbed against one another, gridding itself so violently they might as well be flint trying to light a tinder.

Okay, maybe not a good example there, but a little more detail about everything the body might go through would be nice. Especially since it’s the main focus of the story in the first place. As bad as the gore is in this story, the character development is even worse.

Fluttershy and Roy’s relationship flies by so fast, you could blink and it would have passed you 16 times. Even seeing it, I’m not even sure what kind of chemistry they have. Apparently, Fluttershy has a thing for overly violent idiots who rub blood on every pore of their body.

The story of the violent outbursts that Roy has is pretty much nonexistent that never seems to go anywhere other than it shows up when Roy is really mad. And which of course, everyone seems to think it’s perfectly normal for Roy to run around in the skin of Discord, laughing like a maniac singing ‘Carnage Rules’.

Honestly, if the story had decided to focus on the psyche of Roy, him trying his best to keep his sanity in an insane world that wants him to destroy and his struggle to keep his violent nature in check and completely ignore Discord, the stupid maze and focus on the struggle of everyday life, that would have been far more interesting. It has some potential there, but it decides to go with this ‘Oh, I’m the hero and everyone should love me’, which is the plot of every single fan fic ever written.

Finally, and fatally, it’s only written like shit. The grammar and spelling are atrocious. Honestly, I think I saw the word ‘hoove’ 50 fucking times. The grammar makes it incredibly difficult to read and half the time the sentences in which characters talk are part of paragraphs where another character is already talking, making it difficult to keep track of who is talking and who isn’t.

That’s all I’ve got for this Sequel September and thank god. I don’t think I could have gone another week of this shit. So, with that, I leave you with this…

Youtube Video

Nightmare Month: The Tail of Endless Night

Youtube Video

Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique! And welcome to the first day of… Nightmare Month!

The month where we celebrate our Princess of the Night! Despite the fact that most of these stories have little to do with her.

Yes, it probably is a good thing.

As we have seen, Nightmare Night is a time for endless nights and dirty pranks. And nothing has more dirty nights and endless pranks than in the story of The Tail of Endless Night.

Yes, the tail of Endless Night is a wonderful tail. It can do almost anything. It can hold your books for you while you read, it can wipe your ass (saving on toilet paper), and it will even whip your enemies into submission.

But the tail of Endless Night has a sad story. It started out as the tail that told its tale through tragedy. Why, just look at the description and see what kind of story we are looking at.

Follow the tail of Endless Night. A young Alicorn who come from nothing. to being the most be love pony's in all of Equestria. This story is base back when Equestria was still young. before Nightmare moon. Before Ponyville. Before Celestia battle with discord. Before Canterlot had a castle. The tail of Endless Night. start after a two warrior pony's fall in love on the battle field. One a lovely Pegasus. the other a powerful Unicorn Battle mage. They leave the Battle's behind to start a family. but soon the battle find's them.

I’m starting to see where this is going… The Endless Nights is the name of the pony everypony should know and the dirty pranks are me having to read this story. Already I’m not looking forward to this. If this author is willing to misspell ‘tale’ the entire story, what else is he willing to do?

The story begins at…

CHAPTER 1: THE BEGINNING

Clever tactic, story… I always thought the story started at the end…

Reverse chronology. Jack and the Beanstalk.

What does that even mean?

All the smart ponies know.


This Story Begin back when Equestria was still young.

This Story Begin with terrible grammar. Seriously, did you even read this before posting it?!

When pony’s of all kind were at war. The war of the Pegasus and unicorn is at it climax. The Battle Rages on.

The Earth Ponies, however, can suck a dick. Well, fuck you, story! I happen to think Earth Ponies are better than you!

During this terrible war, two ponies find love and leave the war to start a family in the woods.

Among the fighting two pony’s find love. They chose to leave the war behind at the highest  of the war.

How can there be a war? I’ve been at the highest of the war and there’s no way you can fight somepony in that condition.

They end up making a home for each other and our story officially begins with the birth of their child.

"He had his father horn and his mother..... winGS?!?” Hooves said in shock.

… What’s with the sudden capitalization there? Did he get hit in the stomach when he said that? Oh, great. Most stories don’t capitalize the names of characters. This story decides to throw in random capitalizations. This is going to fuck with some dramatic readings.

“Your son. He a Alicorn.” Hooves told him

“A WHAT!” He said not knowing what an Alicorn was.

“I hear rumor of the about them but never thought I ever see one. They are rare. very rare. I've only hear it happening when one of the parents is a Pegasus and the other is a unicorn. But I never believe the rumor. i never believe i see one. ” Hooves told them.

Which is the same logic that has two earth ponies conceiving a unicorn and a pegasus.

“He our little angle and if anyone has a problem with him. They have to get through me.”

But is he a straight, an obtuse, an acute or a right angle? Ha, math is fun. Also, remember him being the little 'angle', it will come back later.

And why would anyone have a problem with him?! He was born better than anyone else! Other than jealousy. … Which is exactly what you’re going for, isn’t it?

Endless love said looking down at her new born son as he try to stand up.

Yeah, that’s how most babies do it. They are trying to stand up on their own, only seconds after being pushed out of their mother’s womb. The father tells the doctor to keep this between the three of them. I don’t know why, since their son will have to have interaction with others, sometime. Unless you plan on locking the little brat up so he never sees the world, in which case, I’ll get the locks.

You don’t have to worry Mr. Night. You know this never happened. I’m only a vet. So I’ll get in trouble if anyone found out.”

Wait… so… does that mean he’s technically a doctor for their world? Vets usually work on animals… Or maybe I’m thinking too much on this.

We then cut to six years later where apparently the war between the Unicorns and Pegasi stopped. It never explains how or why the war stopped, it just said ‘it was over’. No victory, no loser, no peace treaty, nothing. Maybe the two races got bored and just decided to call it quits. Because I think that’s how all wars end.

But all's not well, for a new enemy is appearing over the horizon. Dragons. …

Let’s see… Dragons versus Ponies… And Fluttershy isn’t born yet… You guys are soooo fucked.

The dragons end up rounding up ponies and forcing them to work in crystal mines. Don’t worry, my little ponies, all you have to do is whine a bunch and you’ll be set free in no time.

Youtube Video

We finally end up cutting to our main character, the tail of Endless Night, who is sitting with his owner by the stream. Being only six years old, the tail of Endless Night has yet to mature and thus has very limited talents. The two spot a brown pegasus coming towards them and panicking, the two make a break for it.

Chapter 2 is called ‘The Start of the end’ and I’m thinking ‘Phew, maybe the story decided to cut itself short.’ And then I see 24 more chapters shaking it’s bum at me. Why the fuck would you call it ‘The Start of the end’ when it is not the start of the end? Or are you just dragging out the ending worse than Lord of the Rings did?

It turns out that the knight is looking for Tails’s father, White Night. (Ha, I see what you did there, you smug bastard.) Tails rushes off to find his father and when they come back, the knight has passed out and his mother is tending his wound.

The next day, Tails wakes up and goes out to the stream to practice his magic some more. He manages to feel more powerful than he’s ever felt, and given a few lessons and if the author decided to takes some classes on storytelling grammar and spelling, this scene might have actually worked. It’s a nice little scene to him testing his powers. Too bad it’s connected to such an inconsequential story.

We end up learning more about the relationship Tails has with his father, which we learn that Tail’s dad never made much time for him. There’s no context to it, so maybe this is a desperate cry for help on the story’s part.

Tails wants to know where his father is wandering off to that he can’t spend time with his kid. My guess is he’s trying to make more OC alicorns.

He waited until everyone had gone to bed, and snock out of the house. He flashed his horn to a low light, and then followed his father’s steps to the gate.

He follow his father’s path until he comes upon a mysterious door that he could open, but the morning sun starts to rise in the half hour since he started his journey. Did this kid seriously just stay up the entire night deciding whether to do it or not before actually making the attempt? Or are Tails’s parents really light sleepers?

Author's Note:

Fix # 2. i hope i got it right. this is the update one. v1.1. i really hope those classes are paying off.

Dude, if you are taking writing classes, and your writing still looks like this…

“What? come on let’s go.” They ran back to the house. His father ran ahead leaving him behind. he was worried about his mother. What if that Pegasus was pretending to be hurt, so he could hurt her? he ran faster.

I would ask for my fucking money back!

Endless awake to his mother pushing him. He open with eyes and let out a long yawn. He was still tier.

Low tier, obviously, but that will change with the patch.

It took a second but he finally stood up. Everything was harder. He move slowly as he went about his normal routine. He ate his breakfast and help his mother with the dishes. His father was in his private quarters. He had his books and note in there. He wasn’t allowed in there.

Oh, boy, Tails found his father’s collection of adult magazines. It’s okay, Tails, it’s perfectly normal for a growing body to feel magical between his legs.

Actually, everything is rather hard because of the rain… I’m not really sure why that makes everything hard… unless the rain is actually-

Moving on!

Right, sorry, that got weird on me.

So, the story tells us about Tails studying magic and I’ve got to say, this is the most distorted writing I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of hard to make out what is going on and what’s happening in the scene. Also not helping is that the scenes are rushed so badly that they barely have context to them. I’ll show you what I mean.

The rain was normally not a problem for him. But this was a hard rain. It was hard for him to see farther then a few feet. He close the door and headed for his bed. His mother stop him and told him to get his book and study. He did as told and pull his spell book out. It was old and moldy. The taste of the book made him want to throw up. He quickly put the book on the table and open it to the page he left off on.

He was still tier and was falling in and out of sleep as he read something about basic teleporting. He already knew how and could do so in short burst. his father enter the room.

“Endless wake up.” he said hitting the table with his hove. he jump.

“Sorry dad had trouble sleeping last night.” he lie.

“Ok. well just wake up and study.” he did as he was told.

Not to mention the awful tense jumping, the lack of show, and the terrible spelling and grammar that make this thing a fucking chore to read. Helpful tip to future authors ‘A story, that is suppose to be escapists fiction, shouldn’t feel like work.’ But that’s what this story feels like, and I’m only on chapter 3, for god’s sake.

Anyway, his father says he has to leave to help that knight with unexplained reasons and that Tails and his mother don’t want him to go. White says he has to and before he goes, he puts Tails through some kind of test to see how much he’s learned. And you remember when I said the scene with him practicing magic earlier that I said has glimmers of potential? Well, this scene took my praise, spat on it, and beat it into submission with a hammer. That’s the last time I fucking praise this story!

The kid ends up showing up his father so badly that it makes the father look like a dick when he looks less impressed than when he was born. Story, could you make it more obvious you got daddy issues, I think there are baby sealions just born into this world that haven’t figured it out yet.

“yes and you shouldn’t have if the gate was lax.”His father said. he felt a cool sweat run down his back. He had forgot to lax it the night before.

“I must have forgot to lax it last night. Get up and come here son.” His father said. He got up and walk to his father on the other side of the gate. He was relieve his father didn’t know. He thought he was catch when his father saw the gate open.  White night pull a book out from his bag.

Here your next book son. Try not to Destroy it and remember keep the gate closes so no one get in.” White night place the book on grounds. They said their goodbye. He pick the book up in his mouth. His father lax the gate behind him. then walk away.

This book taste worse then the other one he thought.

I’m guessing the gate must have been pretty lenient then, unlike the dick that built him.

Also, this is the second time he’s mentioning the taste of the book. Does he eat the books for knowledge?

So, Tails goes up to his mother and asks her to teach him how to fly. His mother is against it since her husband’s a control freak who likes to beat her with a shovel every time the blueberry pie isn’t up to standard. But the six year old starts to get philosophical with her. Yes, the six year old philosopher.

“Mother I know. But father always treat me like a unicorn and not a Pegasus. I’m not one or the other, I’m both. i would like to learn to be a little more like you.” he was standing with tears in his eyes. He hardly notices that he was standing on the table. His mother wipe the tears from her eyes.

Oh, and we can add psychological profiler to his resume as he is able to figure out how his father treats him and why.

So, his mother starts to teach him how to fly, but because he’s never used his wings till now, he can’t fly with them. But mother has a full proof plan to get his wings stronger… Lifting rocks! … Wait, what?

Endless and his mother spent the next few days lifting rock on top of his wings.

… Okay, maybe this isn’t a weird as I’m making it out to be, considering we see Fluttershy do push ups with her wings. I guess before Equestria was invented, neither was push ups.

Ooooo, I love a mare who can work out.

Eventually he is able to fly and I’ll give this story credit, the story could have easily just made him fly on his first try. But he does actually have to work for it. The training montage is very poor, and it doesn’t go through the strain and frustration of constant failure, but a step is a step. Most other fics would (and indeed do) give them the Sonic Rainboom during their first flight.

Tails is still upset that he has to hide his wings, but his mother tells him that he’d best do it for his father.

“I’m sorry but it not forever. When your older. you can wear what you want. But for now. Just wear this. so your father will be happy.” He did as his mother said. He didn’t like to make her sad.

Mother: It will help stave off the beatings when he gets home because when I packed his ham sandwich I forgot to add mustard.

So, when his father does arrive, in an odd twist, his mother has beaten him with a shovel. Actually, he appears in front of the house explaining that he failed, though we aren’t told what. Tails and his mother take his father into the house to rest. However, before they can relax, they are attacked by three dragons. Well, they’re fucked.

The dragons want revenge for what White Night (Oh, I see what you did there. Knights vs Dragons.) did to them.

“White Night. I never got time to thank you for my eye.”  the Black Dragon said hitting his claw on the scar.

“Your to full of yourself Darth.” he said. as he almost fell.

From now on, I’m calling the main villain, Darth Vader. I haven’t called the main character by his real name yet, why start with the villain? So Vader, pretty pissed off that Night took his eye, kills his wife in front of him. They threaten Tails, but they find out that he is an alicorn. Which I guess dragons just know about.

Tails is able to teleport away, but the dragons don’t seem to care too much about the six year old since they have who they want anyway. White puts a curse on the dragon, what that means is anyone’s guess at this point.

Endless awake in pain. His flank was burning. His face hurt to.

Really? Because it’s fucking killing me…

Youtube Video

FUCKING LAUGH, DAMN YOU!


It turns out that Tails only teleported a few feet away from the dragons, I guess they weren’t paying that close attention and Tails overlooks the damage with her mother and father murdered. So, Tails begins his journey to train his body and his mind to the peak of perfection to be the very thing that dragons fear the most. The Batstallion. To which he gets burned to a crispe, because dragons fear nothing, you idiot!


He sleeps in his house, no doubt a good thing for his psyche, when two soldiers arrive and find him the ruins. It turns out that one of those ponies was the doctor who gave birth to him. Who is affectionately called ‘Mr. Hooves.’. Christ, what is with these stories involving the Doctor for no apparent reason? This is the third story in a row! I’m starting to think it’s becoming some kind of trend!


The Doctor takes him in and Tails seems to forget about that whole thing with his parent’s being murdered. I guess it was as essential to his character as the cold sore I had a couple weeks ago.

The pair travels to Canterlot where they start making their home when suddenly Tails is beset by the most beautiful alicorn Equestria has ever seen.

Wow, I am a sexy alicorn.

Actually, it’s Luna, because of course it is. Luna has become paired up with every character in the fucking universe. I think I saw Zelda from Twilight Princess, making out with Luna at one point. But I digress, he gets Luna’s attention by acting like an idiot and yet, she, of course, finds his idiocy charming. If that were true, I’d be drowning in hot mares from all sides, but again, I digress.

Tails instantly falls for the young alicorn filly. I would say princess, but there is never any mention of her or her castle. Just home. I can’t imagine the Doctor would live next to the royal palace. Or maybe he would, I don’t know. The rules of the Doctor in fan fiction seem to be ‘Whatever makes the plot go forward.’

And by ‘whatever makes the plot go forward’, I mean, matchmaker. As the Doctor sets up Tails on a date with Luna as Luna gives him the tour around town. I’m sure she’s giving him a tour of a few other things too.

My torture dungeon for OC’S! What did you think I was going for? Luna’s only six! I can’t make jokes about that! Yet!

So the tour of the town takes all of two seconds before we get more forced dialogue about how Luna really likes Tails and how Tails really likes Luna… Blahty, blahty, blahty, forced romance, blah.

The next day, Tails is put into school where he meets generic bullies because … Wait, what’s that? … No generic bullies? Awwww, but I had a bunch of generic bully jokes that I could have used!

Now, while the story isn’t littered down with one dimensional bullies, the story just stops to introduce the school and the characters within it. Including a teacher which has me questioning the timeline of this story.

“Hello Endless Night. I’m Miss Sparkle the teacher here at our little school.” She said with a very sweet voice.

Oh, how cute. It’s probably just a pointless nod to the character of Twilight Sparkle, but it does raise some concerns for me because the characters are so similar. The teacher and Twilight, I’m calling her Twilight from now on, both have a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning and teaching others. So, it’s leading me to believe that this is some kind of reincarnation of the character that will die, but be born again as the Element of Harmony.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. At least, none of the other main six appear…

HI, I’m Gem Stone. Your neat Looking. Were you get all those burns? Where you come from? What up with that main? Can I cut it? I”ll make it really cool looking.” Gem stone said talking super fast and almost falling out of her seat.

You know the reincarnation theory sudden has merit.

So, they have their class, it’s really not that important, so I’ll skip it. He makes friends with Luna and Pinkie Pie, and the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule gets royally buttfucked. Look at these next few paragraphs and tell me that you can read these without it feeling bitter and hollow in your mouth.

Luna and Gem Stone walk with Endless home. They laugh as Gem Stone jump and trip over her own hooves and fell on her bottom. They reach the doc house after that. he said his good byes and head in. The doc was waiting with dinner. After dinner he head to bed.

After school he, Luna and Gem stone would walk to the large field the farmer still hadn’t farmed. they Play there until it start to get dark they make they ways home. After they leave Gem Stones house. he and Luna would walk home. Luna never ask him about his family or his burns like Gem Stone and the other at school. he told them he didn’t want to talk about it yet. They talk about thing that happen in town or people Luna met in her family travels. After they made it home he would go in and have dinner with Doctor Hooves.  Then he head to upside and read his father spells books until he was tier and head to bed.

Endless wake up to the Doc knocking on the door. Like most morning. he got up and look outside. It was a light rain. he thought of Acorn. She love the rain and would be hoping for rain puddle. Her family work the lumber mill. he Smile as he remember the red and yellow Pegasus as she one ran into the apple tree by the school a week ago. Her red main got stuck on a branches. He remember Lilly and Buttercup running to her. Buttercup try to use magic to pull her out. Then a large amount of leaves fell out of the tree and fell on top of her. They match her. As she poke her head out of leaves. Then Acorn fell on top of both Lilly and Buttercup. he giggle as he remember the Teachers trying to get the girl to stop yelling at each others.

I know I pick on this rule all the time, but I’m hoping after a while, it will penetrate some skulls! There is nothing engaging about these scene or these characters. Don’t tell me that ‘Luna and Tails’ said their goodbyes, actually some them doing it! Have them talk, giggling, interacting in an actual conversation. And who the fuck is Acorn? This is a character we’ve never met, have just been introduced to, and hasn’t even had a fucking line of dialogue. Who is she? Why is she so important to this scene?

And you mention this scene that is supposed to be funny as Acorn falls on top of Lilly and Buttercup, but you never actually show this scene to us. Have the actors play it out on stage! Don’t just tell them what they were going to do, like trying to convince us that the play was really, really good, while the actors are all backstage snorting cocaine!

So, finally after that long winded explanation of what happened the past year, all of which are things that could have been used to develop more of the characters, but you know what? Fuck it! We get some dialogue that the Doctor and Twilight are going on a date together. Oh, god! It’s finally happening! I’ve hit the bad fan fiction singularity! Where all bad fan fictions become one! Soren the Alicorn has come back to haunt me!


So, I’m sure we won’t see the date or anything that happens during it, because that would take away from what the story is really about. The tail of Tails goes to meet Mr. Pie, there Luna meets with him and the owner of the pie shop greets them.

“LUNA my favorite costumer. What can I do you for?”

… Wow… Dude, you must really like Luna…

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And just like that scene, this scene was rushed so badly it might as well have been directed by Tommy Wiseau.

The group then goes to the most exciting place this story could possibly come up with … the Barber Shop.

And there is something I just noticed about this story, I spent about 40 minutes looking for a clip I can use to find to add to this moment, but you know what, I had more fun doing that than actually reading the story. I just realized how fucking boring this story is! This story is as engaging as a dead slug that’s been ran over by a train!

But this is actually a very important event where Pinkie Pie gets her cutie mark when the barbers decide to let the 7 year old girl take scissors to Tail’s face! I know what I’d do with a pair of scissors if I was seven!

Huh… I was bitter even as a child… Good to know.

So, after some more pointlessness, Luna and Tails sit down to have a conversation. It’s nowhere near as engaging as you might think. They talk about Tails’s parents… Well, I say talk, but they kind of piddle around the subject as if it was a big piece of dog turd.

After that they decide to pull a Cutie Mark Crusaders, and follow Cheerilee and Big Mac on their date, I mean, follow Twilight and the Doctor on their date. They stalk them until Big Mac escorts her home and is ready to kiss her, but chickens out at the last second.

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I know! We almost had something exciting happen!

So, he meets up with Applejack when her wagon breaks down and thanks to the town being conveniently empty when this disaster happens, Tails is the only one who can save the day. Can you slow this roller coaster down a bit? I almost fucking woke up there.

Applejack then leaves, after establishing that… she exists, he meets up with the Great and Powerful Trixie. (Yes, I know that’s not their names, but I could give less than two shits about it.) Trixie boasts that she’s a wanderer, really having no home or family to speak off… And then leaves… Are you noticing a pattern here, people? Because I don’t think the story has made it obvious yet, so why don’t we throw in a few more characters to introduce and to swiftly not give a shit about?! They’ll all have their own spin off series soon!

But something finally does happen as the Dragons reappear. Oh, yeah, I forgot there was this big war between them and the dragons.

So, the dragons invaded the town lead by Vader. Vader find the dragon’s lack of focus disturbing…

“Will you two stop messing around and grab some pony’s. we need to get going.” Endless froze. He remember the voice. That was the one. He thought. Darth. The one the took his parent away from him.

Come on, guys. You all knew that line was coming.

So, Tails get so angry at the dragon that murdered his parents that he creates a sonic rainboom. I would say I was not kidding, but you all know I’m not. Sonic Rainbooms are so easy to get, they might as well be prostitutes on the streets.

Then Endless Felt a great serge of energy. Endless spread his wings and legs.

"BANG"

A wall of multicolor magic fill the air around him.

After the dragons take some of the ponies, Vader completely ignoring the fact that somepony just created a Sonic Rainboom, but whatever, and the town is in a panic.

“Now Everyone calm Down. The Dragon only taken your friends and family.

God, your bedside manner sucks. I hope you never work at a hospital.

Critique: Now don’t worry bout a thing. I’m going to cut you open, dig around your insides, cut your artery and replace it with a pig’s artery. And if the surgery doesn’t go well, you’ll probably wake up in the most agonizing pain you’ve ever felt in your life just moments before you die.

The knight that appeared in the first chapter comes into town and Tails doesn’t really like him that much..

“IF YOU DIDN’T SHOW UP THAT DAY. THEN MY DAD WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT. THEN THE DRAGON WOULDN’T HAVE COME AND THEY WOULDN’T HAVE. Have.” Endless broke down and started crying hard.

I wouldn’t blame Golden, he’s not the one who sent the dragons to kill your parents. That’d be the story.

I know this should be a shattering moment for where I feel for Tails, but I just don’t care.

Some more stuff happens that I’m skipping because it might as well be 1000+ words of ‘blah, blah, blah’ for all it has to do with anything. I think the only significant thing that comes out of this is a teacher of magic that Celestia name drops that no doubt will teach Tails how to fight dragons… Instead of teaching the fucking military!

So, Tails, being only 7 or 8 years old, decides to go on a quest to become stronger. And the Doctor is completely okay with that. Maybe he’s hoping he’ll be eaten by timberwolves. I know I would be.

There’s some more shit that happens that I think is suppose to provide chemistry for two more characters that we are only now just meeting and have no reason to like.

At lest this fic. by the way halfway done.  woot.

And it cannot come any faster!

They arrive at some town where dragons appear and Tails sneaks off to spy on the dragons. Where we learn that the curse that White cast on the dragon king makes him completely the opposite of what he was. Not just physically, but mentally. For example, since the Dragon King was pretty much the strongest thing in the universe and was a dick. It would turn him into a harmless flea and make him want to spread the magic of friendship around.

So, this father character had the power to do this to the fucking Dragon King … and he didn’t bother teaching this to other ponies?! What the fucking hell?! Did the ponies decide they wanted to lose this war?! Or they wanted to sacrifice ponies lives in order for their stupid, convoluted plan to get this one special snowflake to save them all?!

A dragon spots him and attacks him. And since he’s eight years old with no combat experience and has the defensive skills of a bowl of chocolate pudding fighting against me with a spoon and a craving for chocolate, of course he manages to kill the dragon! Pfft, I’m surprised he didn’t take on the dragon king! Hell, why not a whole army of dragons single handedly?! Our character is so great, he can just do that at fucking eight years old!


They then come to a town where they meet the Flim Flam Brothers, who are down on their luck with their new invention no one wants and no one is brave enough to even try, but start playing that Superman theme because Tails is here to save the day by being the only thing in the universe with the ability to solve problems.

This has nothing to do with anything, so that was a fucking waste of time. Which I think is what I’m going to rename this story.

He finds the Master of Magic that is supposed to teach him. Thank god, I’m ready for him to kill the fucking dragons so this piece of shit can finally end. The Master knows, of course, that Tails is the chosen one who will bring balance to the force and becomes his Obi-wan Kenobi.

Something I want to mention in this part of the story, that’s actually been going on for a few chapters. Here’s a shortened version of the author’s note that focuses on the part I want to bring up.

i like to leave the Ten years with Master Zend to be flash back in my next story. so just bit you lip on this one and bear with me. (Warning Forth wall Breaking) "Your so mean." Pinky said form nowhere. "I know. ;P "Writer type. "Hey Pinky. it me Gem Stone." she said hugging Pinky. the two pony's started to talk super fast. the writer look over at a baseball bat. "Maybe i'll just get earplugs." he said walking away. (forth wall restore) Yes. i like breaking the forth wall from time to time.  

So, yes, as you’ve probably guess, he breaks the fourth wall in his author’s note. Now, this might be me, but I don’t feel like this fits in with anything we’ve seen thus far. The story isn’t all that comical. I mean, it tries to be, but it’s actually not. The story is more glorifying the character of Tails.

I know this isn’t part of the story and isn’t technically wrong, but I feel that this fourth wall breaking was done for the sake of ‘because.’ Not because it is actually interesting. It just bothers me and maybe I’m the minority, but I’m going to bang on that shit until shit become obsolete! There, you may now all call me ‘a close minded git.’

So, it’s been over a year since Tails started training with Master Roshi. (Yes, I am trying to make you think of more entertaining things.) And Tails arrives back to steal a kiss from Luna in the most pervy manners, before Luna socks him in the face. Best scene ever.

Luna is fucking pissed that Tails is a perv and this story just got interesting… Does this mean that Tails is going to be a dick the rest of the time because he’s the one mary sue that didn’t get the girl? Because that wouldn’t make him any less likable, but at least more engaging and more interesting

But Tails seems to take this rejection with a ‘Meh, what do you do?’ And now I hear strange voices in my head telling me ‘Oh, God, will you just take the cyanide pills already?! I can’t take anymore of this!’ Maybe I should see somepony about that.

And then all of a sudden, Luna’s all over him! There is literally no reason for this! It’s like the story wrote himself into a corner with his relationship with Luna and decides that it would be best if he just forgot about it, since no one is probably going to read it anyway. Well, the joke's on you, buddy! I’m reading this story, so the joke's on me!

They go to dinner at the Flim Flam Brothers Restaurant… No, I’m being serious. It’s literally called the Flim Flam Brothers Restaurant.

“Watch out for those random vine attack. They attack tho who are full of them self.” she said a hove over her mouth. After a few minute they walk up to a large building with the word Flim and Flam Brother restaurant. It look fancy.

Okay, bad spelling and grammar notwithstanding.

They have their dinner and the Flim Flam Brothers, because Luna is royalty, she gets to eat free. Apparently, the Flim Flam Brothers have a crippling fear of money and success. Well, that sure changed a few generations later.

And then Tails gets a birthday present from his dead mother and father. Next scene! We cut over to the dragons where we learn that the curse that Tails’s father is sure taking it’s fucking sweet ass time!

“Overload has there been any luck in finding him?” Darth ask bowing to a large red dragon with purple spike going down his back.

“My scouts Report said that they been tracking him for sometime now. Old friend. But for now you should rest.” he said waving his hand for him to go.

“I’m fine. The curse has yet to change my body. I will be changing soon though.” he said standing up.

And want to know something else that is incredibly stupid. It turns out that Tails’s mother is still alive… How she survived having her neck broken is anyone’s guess, but that she is being held captive by the dragons and apparently has been for about 10 years. And that her husband is also alive and that the dragons are looking for him.


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Yeah, I’m with Cartman on this one. So, the mother is alive and the husband hasn’t even tried to rescue her yet. It’s been ten fucking years, guy! I wonder how that reunion will go?

Husband: Honey, I’m here to rescue you!


Wife: What the fuck took you so fucking long, you filthy piece of fucking shit?!


Husband: Don’t talk to me that way, woman!

Wife: Oooo, look at me I’m a big strong man who beats on a woman and that makes me cool, you fucking prick! I’ve been in this dungeon for 10 years waiting for your useless ass to come rescue me! Couldn’t pull yourself away from the T.V to form a coherent thought, huh?

Husband: I- I…

Wife: No, No… Tell you what, why don’t I stay here and continue to live my life as a dragon’s personal slave girl, because believe it or not, the fucking dragons treat me better than you ever could, you sack of…

…. Wow, I really went off on that one… But can you really blame me after the stupid that I’ve just been served? Hey, waiter, there seems to be some stupid in my story!

Celestia tells Tails that a group of soldiers have been sent… Been ten years guys, what the fuck have you been waiting for, some kind of chosen one? I’m sure that will be great to explain to the slaves that were forced to… Sorry, I’ll move on. … to liberate the ponies that have been captured by the dragons.

Tails rushes to join them and is swiftly captured. They intend to use him as bait to lure his father into a trap. Well, strap yourself in Tails, you're going to be there for 10…

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Yes, yes, sorry!

But it turns out that his father… I’m not going to do it... appears to save Tails from the dragons.

Vader goes into a blind rage and starts attacking Tails. But after failing to defeat Tails, he decides to go after the one he loves, even though he has never met the one Tails’s loves, but whatever, there are only 3 chapters left.

The group talks about a forbidden spell that is only now coming into play. They make their way to Tails’s old school… for some reason… And the father mentions that the curse he put on the dragon is actually going to make him even more powerful than ever…. Um… I’m not sure you really know what the definition of ‘curse’ is, bro.

For that matter, if this goes with what the curse was supposed to do in the first place, changing him into his opposite, was he considered, in the dragon world, to be the weakest and nicest of the dragons? Because that sure was fucking confusing!

But it turns out that the dragon’s mind begins to be warped by his new power and Vader dawns a new name. A name that embodies chaos and disharmony. Yes… Yes, everypony. Tails’s father… the one who thought it was a good idea to use magic to make the man who kidnapped his wife and tortured her for ten years… made Discord.

Why? How? The story doesn’t care. So, why the fuck should I? Hell, I’m thinking about not bothering with the spelling and grammar for the rest of the review. Because, hey, if the story can’t bother to get it right, why the hell should I?

So, Discord does his thing and the group gathers up whatever passes for the Elements of Harmony, and they battle Discord. They find they don’t have the ‘Jewel of Everlasting Power’.

Not kidding…

“Endless gave Luna a gift many year ago. Before he left to train with Master Zend. I doubt he knew it at the time. but he gave her the Jewel of Everlasting power.” Celestia said. The door flew open.

So, without it, they can’t make the Elements of Harmony work. Nopony questions why they didn’t just use the Jewel of Everlasting Power to defeat the dragon before because nopony gives a shit and just wants this story to end.

Tails goes into the castle to rescue Luna, because we haven’t had the damsel in distress trope yet, and Discord appears to threaten them both. Tails manages to save both him and Luna and they both share a kiss together. Tails defeats Discord, but is killed in the process. I don’t care if the last chapter says he’s survived, as far as I’m concerned he’s done for.

Actually, what happens to him is … a lot more sick…  He gets turned to stone… all except his face.. You know, so he can make out with Luna… but… they then lock him in a dungeon where only Luna and Celestia can visit him… Jesus… I didn’t think this story could get that dark, but… Damn…

Well, it’s still atrocious.

This is about as barebones as you can get.

The story is rushed with plot points being introduced and swiftly ignored. The characters are barely established with only Gem Stone being the most interesting, and that’s only because she was a copy/paste of Pinkie Pie.

Half of it makes no sense or just feels like it doesn’t really want to try hard. It feels like about halfway through it, the author just didn’t care what was posted and decided to just throw whatever at the wall, knowing no one would read it.

There was a lot of stuff I skipped, otherwise, this review would have been much longer. Not that it was interesting anyway. The story just kind of piddles around for a lot of it with nothing connecting to the overall plot. I wouldn’t have mind if the characters were developed, but that never ends up happening in any of these scenes.

The spelling and grammar are abysmal and need to be taken down and began again. This needs more than just a proof-reader. This needs a basic concept of word choices.

And I found an author’s note that says it all...

i'm not the best speller in the world. but ask me any math question and I'll give it to you in less then a second.

Okay, what does ‘Telling your story’ plus ‘horrible spelling’ plus ‘lack of characterization’ equal?






Bored Critique!

Nightmare Month: Shadows of the Everfree


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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique and welcome to another day of Nightmare Month!

Last week, we saw a story that was less about the ‘horror’ and more about the ‘horrible’. Dat ending though… With that in mind, I’ve decided to look into a much darker story. Hopefully that will give us some scares that actually keep me up at night and not the scares that send T.V’s through my window.

A story called Shadows of the Everfree by Angelfire

How very typical. The Everfree Forest is, of course, the only scary place in Equestria. There are no other place scarier than that. Besides, Shining Armor’s armpit.

See? A terrifying image.

The first thing I want to draw attention to is the little poem at the start of the story… And why it fails epicly.

There is still a tale yet to be told

Of several ponies searching for gold

They went away to hunt for their fortune

Onto the very edge of oblivion

Once they found what peaked their interest

They stirred the darkness within the forest

One by one they fell to the fright

Until only one was left in the night

All alone under the moonlit sky

The last bits of light fled from his eye

Why the hell did you just rhyme ‘fortune’ with ‘oblivion’?! They don’t fucking rhyme! They aren’t even the same fucking syllable!

Sorry, I just get a little upset when people try to rhyme that shouldn’t. You can call me a hypocrite when I finally do that long awaited review where I do it entirely in rhyme.

In the land of Equestria there are many ways to live ones life.

Unlike most places, where you are usually given the options for slave or tax accountant.

From being a librarian to a teacher, weather parolee to apple farmer.

To angry pony who complains about things nopony else cares about.

So the story introduces a group of characters who are going on some kind of treasure hunt. The first is Maximus Dare, who is a good attempt at making a name as stupid as Cypher Rage, but falls just a little short on the pretentious meter.

Next, we have Jane Doe, a girl who doesn’t know her real name, and just stuck with the name Jane Doe… Okay, legit. And probably the only character who actually has a clever name. I’m sure that will get ruined by the end of this.

Next, we have Beast and tell me if this doesn’t sound familiar.

then there is Beast, a massive earth pony with dull blue fur & a black-blue mane,

A massive, blue haired beast? … Why does that sound familiar?

Do you mind, Doctor McCoy? I’m in the middle of something.

There is inventory. The menu screen that holds all your items and equipment, but can only hold up to 14 slots.

And two others, but I’m not even going to bother with them, since I’ve only known these character for about 2 paragraphs and already I don’t care. Not because that we don’t know anything about them. It’s because anything we know about them is pretty much given to us in the paragraph that introduces them.

Way to tell us who your characters are instead of… you know… you guys know what I’m going to say, so I’ll let you guys say it.

The group starts to discuss the expedition that they are supposed to be on and that tomorrow they will begin their journey. I question the reason this scene exists. It doesn’t really develop the characters, it doesn’t tell us what they are looking or why and just serves to delay us from the true point of the story. Why didn’t they just start the story at the start of the expedition where the interesting stuff is already on it’s way, instead of piddling around for 500 words. I wouldn’t have mind if the characters were anyway developed by the end of this scene.

Anyway, Maximus goes to Twilight’s library to gets some information on the Everfree Forest and is all buddy, buddy with her. Oh, good. I think that’s a record for the ‘How Fast Can You Befriend the Main Six” award.

He goes back to Sugar Cube Corner for Pinkie Pie’s mandatory cameo… I mean… to meet up with his crew before they go on their adventure. And we start off our amazing adventure with the most amazing thing that the story can offer us… Packing!


“Hey Sketch you done packing yet!” Maximus called out.

“Almost!” Sketch replied agitated, “It would go faster if you helped!”

“But if he did help you wouldn’t be working as hard!” Jane replied for Maximus, “& where’s the fun in that?”

“There, done,” Sketch called again finished packing his bag. The earth pony handed his travel pack to Inventory who gladly accepted it & placed it on top of the others he was in charge of.

Fortunately, due to the terrible pacing of this story, the scenes are over before you realize they were even there.

The group travels through the forest and makes their way across some old bridge before coming to the ruins of a castle. This would be rather an unique discover if Twilight and her friends didn’t discover this back in season 1!

The group decides to investigate the castle to see what riches lie inside. And to answer your question, yes, this story was written before Castle-mania was aired, so I’ll let slide the inaccuracies to the canon.

The group finds some kind of door in the deepest parts of the castle and discover that it is locked. They decide to spend the night there. Again, Castle-Mania doesn’t exist yet! During the night, one of the characters I didn’t bother naming hears a faint sound in the castle.

He goes to investigate when a mysterious creature attacks him. By… singing to him?

Tears welling in his eyes Midas continued to try & spark the torch all the while the voices grew even louder. In his efforts Midas dropped the flint he was using to light the torch & began to quietly cry; the voices now sounded as if they were standing next to him & sounded as if they here humming a tune.

Actually… with a little reworking… that could have been legitimately creepy. I’m serious. Having a group of sirens sing a really scary song is really effective. And that actually would have been cool to see. Too bad it’s in this story that doesn’t know anything about showing us anything! Want proof you ask? How about this scene where Beast is secretly in love with Jane, who is the wife of Maximus? Even though, the fucking idiot has not even had a fucking line of dialogue or has done anything to demonstrate that in the slightest?!


Back in the camp all was quiet, the five ponies lie sleeping within their tents. Beast was dreaming of Jane, whom he had been in love with since he had first seen her, when he heard a familiar voice call out.

Yeah, you are not in love with Jane, bro! You have said nothing, done nothing, nothing nothing that would possibly indicate that! So, how the fuck are we supposed to know that?! Are we supposed to just take your word for it?! That’s not how good storytelling works! You have to show us the things you want us to believe! I could say I own the universe and Celestia bows to my every whim, but unless I have some fucking evidence to back it up, nopony is going to fucking believe it!

… I wasn’t going to make one of these ‘Show, don’t tell’ speeches, but I just know, somepony cums everytime I do.

Beast sees Jane in the distance, giving herself a flirty slap on her flank to him and he of course decides to follow her. Way to think with your pants, bro. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to you.

Beast was slightly dumbfounded, ‘is it really that obvious that I like her?’ he thought but followed even faster seeing as how she seemed interested in him as well.

If it was, I must be a complete idiot. I mean, I can obviously tell when somepony likes somepony to the point of obsession.

What? What?

I think he is trying to tell you something, sir.

Well, whatever, it’s not important.

Beast follows her and discovers that the creature is some kind of shapeshifter who can take on others appearances as well as being able to know things that not even the audience knows.

“Midas? Is that you?” Beast asked the strange pony. The earth pony raised its head to reveal a skeletal face, Beast gasped & fell backwards, the pony before him let out a blood-chilling shriek & Beast felt his body grow cold. The easy going earth pony could feel nothing anymore.

Oh, I know he’s easy going. He’s already gone.

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The other pony I didn’t bother to name goes to look for his brother, who I guess has a psychic connection to him… As most siblings do.

He goes to the door to see his brother’s skin and muscle has been eaten by the Symbiote from Spider-Man.

Midas then fell lifeless on the ground & Sketch could hardly believe what had just taken place, but before he could react he felt a tingling from underneath the patches of black liquid across his body. Sketch scraped a small batch off to find it was eating through his flesh; he cried out at the sight & began to quickly try to remove it. Try as he might the Black ichor consumed the pony & all that remained was a hollow skeleton.

So, the killer of this story is Venom? … Okay, I’ll take it.

The menu screen gets worried that something is wrong in the castle and wakes up Cypher Rage to investigate. They got to find Jane… funny, you’d think with Cypher and Jane being married they’d sleep in the same tent. Cypher must have said something about her cinnamon rolls being shit. Just add that to the list of things that the story doesn’t bother showing us.

Jane, it turns out, had gone ahead and found the corpse of left by Venom. Venom then attacks the group and gets ahold of the inventory screen destroying all your items. Damn it, I had a Super Potion I was saving!

Jane and Cypher Rage make a break for it, but before you can say, “Pacing? What’s that?” Venom manages to get Jane and kill her too. Wow, not even a paragraph later. I’m not kidding. Look, look!

The others gasped in shock as he struggled to remove the thick liquid. Before Maximus could react his companion melted into the black ichor releasing one last shriek of pain as he faded away. The remaining ponies were stunned & instantly, from the pool that was once Inventory, rose a dark, shadowy figure of a pony. Maximus & Jane galloped from the horror down one of the adjacent halls & not long after came upon a large room. As soon as the duo entered the fireplace ignited lighting the terrors it held. The room looked as though it were a kitchen & on the table at its center lay the mutilated corpse of Beast. He was lying on his back with his stomach torn open & all his organs were missing. His face was the most horrific of all, his cheeks were carved in the shape of a smile from ear to ear & his eyes were missing just as Midas’ were. In the doorway behind them the two ponies could see tendrils of the black ichor appear from the shadows. Maximus surveyed his surroundings to find an escape route & found a garbage chute in one corner. Motioning to it Maximus led Jane over & climbed in, he stopped himself a short distance down to see if Jane had made it in yet. She was about halfway into the chute when several tendrils grabbed her & began to force her out.

“Jane!” Maximus cried trying desperately to save her.

Maximus starts to then remember all the great times he’s had with the others… The time he met them… No, seriously. That’s all this guy could come up with for the ‘friends’ he’s been on several expeditions together. God, the intro sequence had more of a diverse memory selection than this!


And so, Cypher Rage, realizing that his name was too stupid to live, gives himself up to Venom and let’s this horrible, horrible piece of shit end.

And what a piece of shit it is.

While nowhere near as bad as some other stories I’ve reviewed in the past, it has some serious issues with it.

Number 1: The characters are completely underdeveloped. With barely any dialogue between them, we don’t actually learn anything about them. We are TOLD what they are like, but we are never given a chance to SEE any of it. The story just asks us to trust it as it just throws a pie that isn’t there and expects us to believe that we are covered in whipped cream in a hilarious fashion.

The story needed to show the characters behaving like it told them too. Instead of just taking the shortcut of telling us.

Also, the characters have no chemistry. The most we get out of the chemistry of these characters is between Cypher Rage and Jane Doe. Who have a couple of minutes of lovey, dubby stuff.

Also, because I don’t give much of a shit about the characters, it’s hard for me to feel sorry for them when they die or want to see them get out of a situation when they get in trouble.

Number 2: Venom (the unnamed monster) is just not that interesting. The creature in this story doesn’t really have a personality, motive, backstory or anything that would add a little bit of intrigue to it. It’s just kind of the tool used to kill. All we really know is that it wants the characters. Why? Does it eat them? Assimilate them? What? I’m not expecting this huge explanation, but something would have been great. Hell, I think the xenomorphs from Aliens got more of a backstory.

Number 3: For a story that is supposed to be a horror story, it’s actually not that scary or intense. It has gore, yes, but it’s really not that gory. It’s due to the terrible writing and lack of descriptions. If this story wanted to be gory, it needed to up the descriptions a lot. If this wanted to be horror, it needed to build a frightening and disturbing atmosphere.

Which brings me to the greatest sin that any horror story can commit, it’s pacing. This story’s pacing is so fast that you can barely have time to build a horrifying atmosphere. If you blink, you’d basically miss the entire story. And that’s not a good thing in a horror story. A horror story needs to take its time and build up a scary world. One of my favorite films is John Carpenter’s Halloween.

It is paced so well, that is actually takes an hour before anyone is actually killed (assuming you don’t count the first 5 minutes). Instead, it uses its time to build this atmosphere by having the killer stalk his target.

And while a much faster paced story can work, like in Nightmare on Elm Street, another one of my favorites, it still managed to keep its terrifying tone.

Bottomline, this story needed to take a lot more time to build up the kills and the horror in general. There, honestly, were the tools to build a relatively decent horror story here, but it has no idea how to build them. And so, we wait for a real horror story.

Have a good day, guys.

Nightmare Month: The God of Two Worlds

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome to another day in the night of Nightmare Month!

After receiving a request, I had said I was going to end up doing a story from Headless Rainbow’s library. And I’ll be honest, I was a bit intrigued by the idea. I had been following the author for some time and had seen a couple of his fics, which were like shit if it was an intelligent entity whose sole purpose is to shit on everything that is good.

After reading about 3 paragraphs of his first fic, the one that started it all, I decided that I could review all his stories at once. Because his fan fics are basically like the Saw movies. Seen one Saw movie, ‘saw’ them all.

Now you might think that I’m going to recommend these fics to you guys. After all, the Saw movies were incredibly popular and successful. But hold onto your hats, kids! Because here comes the surprise ‘Saw-like’ twist, I don’t actually like any of the Saw movies. And before you ask, yes, I am including the first one.

The actings stale and a lot of it reminded me of other, much better movies, but had some good atmosphere. At least, it did, before it became nothing but torture porn. The only interesting aspect I liked was the Jigsaw Killer himself, and even then, by the third movie he was getting just silly. Knowing things he couldn’t possibly know.

But I’m getting off topic. The point is, I equate Headless Rainbow’s writing to the Saw movies. An excuse to write shock value for the sake of shock value. Not realizing of course that when that is all you write, you shouldn’t be surprised when the formula becomes predictable and stale. Looking at all the descriptions of his stories, you can pretty much see right off the bad that it’s got nothing to do with wanting to tell a good story and to more shock its audience with the same scary hand puppet.

Sure, it was scary the first time. But about the 7000th time, I start to grow a bit concerned. Like you are some desperate child looking for attention. Well, attention I will not give you! Because, I’m not reviewing anything by you. Unless you decide to change up your formula. Now that would shock me.

Instead, I’m going to be reviewing a story that nobody asked me to, but I’m doing it regardless. The God of Two Worlds. A story in which Celestia takes over the human world as God. A stupid premise, yes, but one that made me smile. Knowing, ‘Wow, this is obviously a story that has no concept of religion does it. Or does it just want to spit in the face of other people’s faith?’ Mind you, I’m just assuming things, I haven’t actually read it yet. But that’s why you're here, isn’t it? I hope so, because I can’t do much else.

First off, I want to bring to your attention why I decided to review this one… Take a look at the description.

Hate, violence, and wars have continued to ravage the human world where Twilight Sparkle had once visited to save her crown. Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends come to this world under a new spell that would help them stay to their true form as ponies, in an attempt to bring peace and love to this world.

Okay, going to have to stop you there, story. I know you just got on stage, but I’d like to point out the stupidity of the premise. For example, how could Twilight know all the bad shit that goes on in the world? It’s not like she sat in front of a T.V and watched the news. Granted, she could have gotten all this from history books. Keyword being, of course, HISTORY!

I may not like Equestria Girls, but I’m pretty sure that the school was cartoonishly perfect, save for Snails, Snips and Sunset Shimmer. Who wasn’t even part of the human world to begin with! She was an evil pony! A poorly written evil pony… But an evil pony all the same!

So, you’ll forgive me if I don’t immediately buy this shit. But let’s see what they do with it.

Our story begins with Twilight Sparkle and her friends… Oh, yeah, they are the main characters, aren’t they? I’ve read so many fics where OC’s take their place, I forgot. … are preparing to travel back to the school where Equestria Girls took place. Apparently, Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna have been keeping in touch with Twilight via letters. Forgetting the fact that the mirror closes after certain points of time and then opens for only a short amount of time and I doubt Principal Celestia knows about that, but if I have to pick apart every plot hole in this thing, we’ll be here all day.

Twilight and her friends talk to Discord and Discord says that he can conjure a spell that will keep them in their pony forms while they are in the human world. Yes, everyone… Twilight and her friends thinks it’s a good idea to go to the human world… in their pony form. Instead of their human form and leading them into this idea slowly. Even the fucking ears and tails would be a more subtle way to do it than this! Why do you have to be in pony form for this to work?!


Whatever, they go through the portal and find that the entire school is conveniently outside waiting for them. I guess they had some kind of school gathering. I wonder how that must have sounded to the kids?

Principal Celestia: Alright, students, we will be visited today by creatures from a magical land to tell us all about being kind to one another and the magic of friendship.

Cheerilee: … Okay, Celestia, it’s time for your medication…

As they arrive, the kids just kind of stand in awe, instead of screaming that six magical talking horses and a baby dragon just appeared out of fucking nowhere. Spike sees the human version of Rarity and instantly falls in love with her. And what’s even weirder than Spike falling in love with the thing with boobs rather than the creature he’s been in love with for 3 fucking seasons, is that Spike acts like this is the first time they’ve ever seen her!


Spike leaned over and whispered in Rarity's ear, "Is that the human version of you, Rarity?"

Youtube Video

Okay, story, did you even see the movie?! Way I remember it, Spike entered the portal to the human world, even against Twilight’s wishes, because he wanted to help her if he could. I mean, granted I wish neither of them had gone on that adventure, but this is still stupid!

And, as if this story couldn’t get any more stupid, Spike goes up to the human version of Rarity and finds out what personal space is when he looks up her skirt. Classy.

Princess Celestia and Principal Celestia are having a conversation and Principal Celestia pretty much piddles on every religion there is… I wish I was fucking kidding…

“No one raises the sun in our world," human Celestia replied. "Are you God or something. There is no God in our world. Science has come a long way and the best possible theory we that we have lies in our faith of Evolution."

Look, I’m not an expert in religion and I am not getting into a conversation about any of that, but I’m pretty sure there is more than just the faith of Evolution flying around! Are none of your students in your school Catholic, or Christian, or Muslim, or Buddhist, or anything like that?! Are all of your students so samey that they have no differing faiths about them? Certainly would explain the cartoonishly perfect world they seem to live in!


Anyway, Celestia picks up Human Celestia with her magic and instantly, Human Celestia is thinking about sacrificing virgins to appease the magical talking horse.

Celestia gently put her down, and human Celestia bowed low before her. "You are worthy of being called our God and we will worship you sincerely. What would please you, master? Shall I sacrifice one of my virgin's who attends my school here?"

You know for someone who believed in the theory of evolution to the point where she said there was no God in our world, you sure changed your beliefs pretty fucking quick. No scientific explanation, no technobabble to try and explain it. No nothing… Just… I believe now! Don’t question it! I could probably tell her I’m the God Emperor of Ponykind and she’d believe it.

So, Celestia claims that she’s only here to spread love and tolerance. Oooh, I see what you did there. But then the story pisses on it with this big speech from Human Celestia. I’m starting to hate her more and more.

"Why not just love? Why do you tack on tolerance to love? Shouldn't it just be love alone? That's so awkward to say loving someone and then tolerating them. Tolerating is like sitting next to someone on the bus that you hate but holding your anger back and not punching them in the face because you are tolerating them. Love is like reaching out and hugging that same person. This is almost like a contradiction."

Actually… No… It’s not. I don’t have to love everyone. Hell, I don’t even tolerate everyone, but let’s just stick with the two. Any brony who has been in the community for any amount of time has probably heard these words from the community. I don’t know how much weight they hold now, but back in the day, they were pretty much the only words uttered by the fandom, back when the fandom was relatively small and was a minority.

Now… Our fandom is huge. And so, it’s opened up a lot more to people. This has both been good and bad. Good, it allows us to meet more people and show that this change has been a positive thing. But for everyone of us who is a good brony, we get a few bad ones with it. People who are unwilling or unable to compromise or are just here to cause trouble for people who think differently than them. When this fandom first started, they were few and far between. Now, it’s every other day.

Here’s what I think about this ‘love and tolerate’ stuff. I love who I love, I tolerate who I want, I mess with people who mess with me and my family. And that’s how I like it. Love is showing affection for those you have grown close to. Tolerate is giving someone or something the benefit of the doubt. You neither hate them nor love them. They are just different and you respect that. That’s what tolerate means in the ‘love and tolerate’.

So, with that explanation, what does Celestia, the all wise, all powerful, lived for 1000 years Celestia, has come up with?

Princess Celestia did not have an answer to that, but together, they kept talking about their two different worlds.

Oh, yeah. Celestia has no answer. The wise, all powerful God of Equestria has no answer. Um… I think I’m going to place this is the ‘bullshit that authors just didn’t want to bother with’ pile. Right next to, Soren the Alicorn’s relationship with the Doctor, Tails’s father using a curse to turn a dragon into Discord, and why Celestia forgot that she had the power to blow up worlds with her vigina. Expect that pile to grow.

But enough of Celestia and their conversation, thank god, let’s turn to some guys who are instantly turned on by Rainbow Dash. Again, this is a world where My Little Pony, the show, doesn’t exist. … These people were into beastiality beforehand…

Totally awesome, brah!" one of the male student's friends said. "Let's touch it."

"Uh," Rainbow Dash said. "That's kind of weird and..." before she could finish her sentence, many hands were on top of her body feeling her soft warm coat and touching her cutie mark.

"So are you like the lesbian pony because you're all rainbow colored and shit?" one of the male students asked.

Uh, no," Rainbow replied. "Princess Celestia is all rainbow colored with her mane and tail, yet no one is saying anything like that about her."

"I knew it! She's gay," the student said. "We should get you all to have some kind of giant lesbian orgy with all the other ponies."

What? You don't remember the sexual pervs from the movie? Pfft, what were you? Blind? They were only the central mechanic of the movie! Would have fallen apart without them!

The best of humanity ladies and gentlemen, because clearly we don’t have ambassadors for this kind of thing and we leave it to a bunch of unrealistic, hormone driven teenagers to usher in this race of other beings. Good to know when the Daleks come for ‘peaceful negotiations.’

And the guys start moving in on Rainbow Dash, like the pervs they are… Again, this is a world where My Little Pony, the show, doesn’t exist… So… why the fuck are they acting like this?! And so out in the open where everyone can see?! I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anyone who is so open about their beastiality! It’s not like there’s been porn all over the internet about these characters, the show doesn’t exist! So this bullshit makes no fucking sense!


And after Rainbow Dash is almost raped by these teenagers, again, really, realistic, the group decides to leave. You’ve probably noticed that Twilight and her friends are not even trying to help get these pervs off her back, but let’s just add it to the pile and move on.

As they leave, the group unrealistic, unrelatable and therefore destroys the whole point that the story is going for teenagers decide to post the images they got of Rainbow Dash on the internet and invent the word clopping. As subtle as a sludgehammer.

Bingo!" his friend said as he winked at him. I'm going to masturbate to these pictures as soon as I get home. Fuck looking at pornographic pictures of girls, ponies are where it's at. Hey! We should come up with a special name for fapping to ponies. How about..." the male student began to giggle as an idea came into his mind. "How about we call it clopping?!"

An argument ensues between them over magical talking horses they just met a few minutes ago. Yes, they have only known these creatures for only a few minutes… and they are already coming to blows with them. This would be a shocking truth about our community… If it wasn’t so poorly handled.

So, anyway, a few weeks passed and it turns out that our world is so stupid and so wrapped up in our own shit, that we have started wars because of others not liking the same ponies we do. Kind of like the actual fandom.

Yes, I do make fun of the fandom a lot, but it’s only because I care.

Anyway, the principal, who I guess has been appointed the unofficial ambassador of this whole ordeal, sends a letter to Celestia saying that she will send a letter explaining the problems they are having in their world… You might think this is kind of stupid… And you’d be right.

A few weeks went by, and Principal Celestia sent Princess Celestia a new message. The Principal would tape a letter to the portal, and Princess Celestia would use her magic to pull it in back into her own home world.

Why the hell didn’t you just send her the one message, you stupid fuck?!


My school has been arguing over who is the best pony and they can't concentrate on their school work because most of the male students are drawing pictures that they like to call clop pictures.

Oh, heaven forbid this one isolated incident cause the downfall of society. A group of stupid young kids arguing over which porn star is hotter! Seriously, think about that for a second?

Also, I seem to remember Princess Celestia and her crew being the problem in the first place! The only reason these people are bickering over ‘who is best pony’ and ‘who has best plot’ (Hint: it’s me!) is because they made contact with the human world to begin with! Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy!

"Celestia!" Luna cried out, "You aren't communicating with humans again are you? I can barely remember this, but weren't we told not to do that? Didn't we have some kind of scroll that said not to do that?"

Princess Celestia had very vague memories of what had happened.

Celestia looked at her sister with a dumb founded look. "I don't remember anything about a scroll."

Oh, I guess we aren’t going to worry about that…

A strange pegasus enters the facility and spouts out that if Celestia tries to help the human world that she will incur the wrath of God. Again, not an expert on religion, so, I’m just going to put a pan on my head and pretend I didn’t read that part.

And then… Celestia acts like a fucking bitch here!

"And what use are you to God?" Celestia asked. "I have heard about you before. You are poor and only have one wing. You aren't even royalty like me. God would never care to use somepony in such poverty as yourself. I will rule this earth as God and I will rule the human realm as their God as well! Guards, take him away! Lock him up and starve him, but keep him alive."

Um… Story, why is Celestia being a fucking bitch here?! I know I’m not Celestia’s Paladin, but I seem to remember her being… well… not a bitch! I mean, this is supposed to be the kind Celestia that everyone adores? Then why the fuck would she sentence someone to starve to death?

Also, that line about God not caring about somepony like him? Yeah, you are really showing him up, aren’t you, Celestia? Taking the higher ground as you stomp him into the dirt and claim that it’s helping him.

I think I’ve figured out who I’m supposed to root for. Me! In the hopes that I can survive this mess!


Luna disagrees with Celestia’s decision, but in keeping with Celestia being a completely bitch….

"But I have been with you for thousands of years as well. I may be younger than you, but I have been granted powers to raise the moon so that you can rest."

Celestia was starting to become angry. "I don't need you to raise the moon, and I was fine doing it on my own when I had banished you to the moon for a thousand years. I may banish you again if you keep threatening me."

Yes, really think she’s going to be a good God from what I’m seeing.

So, the very next day, Celestia goes to the human world to tell everyone that she is their new God… And everyone is just okay with it. Seriously, they start bowing to her and everything…

Celestia stood in front of an enormous crowd. There were police and media people all around the portal.

Everyone bowed down to her as if she were God.

So, wait, if everyone is willing to ruled by her as their god, then why the fuck is there a problem? Okay, freedom of religion and all that, but the world’s faith must have been pretty fucking weak if they are willing to trade it all, with very little effort by a magical talking horse! I don’t care if she has magical powers or not! Unless it turns out that this is some kind of brainwashing, this is going to be extremely disappointing.

During the ritual of bowing to Princess Celestia, she finds one of the kids in the school has drawn porn of her. As punishment, Celestia makes the dude’s head explode. In a very ‘love and tolerance’ sort of way.

After committing her first murder, because that is exactly Celestia’s character, we cut over to Fluttershy. Oh, good, maybe we’ll have a likable character in all this nonsense. Fluttershy looks outside to try and figure out what is going on and sees piles of ashes outside her doorstep. Angel attempts to tell Fluttershy what is going on and…

Fluttershy looked back to Angel Bunny and said, "I just don't understand what that's all about. What's going on out there?"

Angel Bunny took his front paw and slowly dragged it across his throat as if he were simulating slicing his throat with an imaginary knife.

Fluttershy could not figure out what he meant.

He continued to try to explain with actions, but his master did not get it. Angel Bunny eventually gave up hope and signaled that he wanted to eat breakfast.

So, Angel tried to explain that there was some murders going on… And then decided that it was hopeless.

Let me try that with other characters…

:fluttercry: Applejack, it’s horrible! Twilight has been murdered!


:applejackunsure: Sorry, Fluttershy… I don’t know what you’re talking about… What’s murdered?

:fluttercry: Well… Twilight is no longer alive…

:applejackunsure: Not sure I follow….

:fluttercry: She’s dead?

:applejackunsure: Still not getting it.

:fluttercry: She’s a bloody corpse who’s body is now hanging in the middle of Ponyville with all her organs below her like she’s been ripped open by some hungry beast.

:applejackunsure: Sorry, Fluttershy. I’m totally lost.

:yay: Oh, never mind. It wasn’t important.

THINK!

So, Twilight comes along and they have a conversation about how different Equestria is from what is was. Funny, I guess Celestia thought that the human world wasn’t the only world that was fucked…

And only now has Twilight and the others decided that something is seriously fucked up with Celestia. Twilight and Fluttershy confront Lord Voldemort… Oh, I’m sorry, Princess Celestia… The two are so different in this story, I surprised I mixed them up. Sorry, it won’t happen again..

So, Twilight and Fluttershy confront Lord Voldemort and it turns out he is torturing Fluttershy’s animals for funzies.

You know, I don’t think we’ve made Celestia cartoonishly evil enough. Better throw in a genocide scene, a polluting the environment scene, a putting a tack on the teacher’s chair scene, and a scene where she ties Fluttershy to a railroad track while she evilly twirls her mustache…

The logic behind this is actually quite sound! If Celestia can’t take away all the human’s shit to make them stop being dicks, then she’ll take away all of the pony’s shit to make the humans stop being dicks!

Um… Hey, Celestia, you ever think about putting up a suggestion box?!


So, I guess I can’t fucking say anything about Celestia’s plan, because apparently, showing Fluttershy suffering is enough to make everyone on Earth stop being dicks. Well, if that’s the case, then this should work!

And now I should never want to be a dick ever again and bad mouth every fanfic I come across. Well, maybe not every fanfic, just this piece of shit!


So, it turns out that a thousand years ago, Luna was given to Celestia as a warning of her hubris. Celestia thanks the lord for the gift of her sister who is perfect in every way that cannot be denied.

Wait, I’ve got that Luna is Jesus image here somewhere…

Also, she’s so perfect that she let jealousy get the better of her and turned her into an evil spirit bent on enslaving everypony. Thanks a lot for that one, God!


This flashback is entirely pointless, so you guys can just take a drink and forget all that. I’ve already got a three bottle head start.

It turns out that a group of people, who I guess haven’t worshipped Celestia as a God, didn’t know there was a faction, but whatever, the story is almost over. A group called Bronies. Whoa, how did you come up with that name?

The Bronies are basically people who worship fucking horses the entire day. Again, because My Little Pony, the show, doesn’t exist. So they don’t love the horses for their personalities, their struggle to define oneself, the continuing character arcs, the wonderful animation, the catchy songs, the bright colors, the friendships that were born from a shared experience, the healthy morals, the great voice acting, the ability to find good in a bad situation or pretty much any other reason why anyone might enjoy the show! They only love it because porn!


As you’ve probably already guessed, that’s the biggest issue with this story. It makes no fucking sense! It comes out of nowhere and has no build up to it whatsoever! It acts like this is the majority when, in this situation, there is no way this could possibly exist! Now, if they had gone to a world where My Little Pony, the show, is a big hit, maybe, fucking maybe, I could have almost thought about buying it! But I’m sorry! This way doesn’t work!

Oh, and get this, there are wars happening, actual wars. Not made up internet war bullshit, actual guns and tanks and military might wars over best pony!

… Is this a South Park episode? … It has to be! There is no way anyone is expected to take this seriously?! I could honestly see Cartman being on the side of the haters and getting some military to back him up against the Brony Movement. Could you guys not see this as some kind of stupid South Park episode?!

And to be honest, I think I would take the South Park episode more seriously than I would this. At least, it would make itself clever. This… doesn’t even have that distinction. But we’ve just got a little more story to get through. And believe me when I say, we haven’t even begun to get stupid yet.

So, Celestia goes home to reflect on what she is doing. Asking if what she is doing is wrong. Celestia, I am so glad you came to your sense. I sure am glad it took the humans trying to kill each other over best pony that got you to realize you are a monster, rather than killing Fluttershy’s animals and seeing her suffer. You are made much more relatable that way!


So, the story starts to preach about how Celestia was wrong and this isn’t the way and I’ll spare you that, because I lost interest about halfway. Believe me, it’s no more interesting than anything else in this fucking piece of shit.

Hey, remember that guy from earlier that was sentence to prison. You know, the guy from weeks and weeks ago, it turns out that he’s still alive and was only there to make Celestia save him at the last minute… Fucking cock tease!

So, in a flashback, during the battle with Discord, Celestia learns that it was God that created the Elements of Harmony and not some tree that hasn’t been introduced yet, so I can’t pick on this story for not knowing about something that hasn’t happened yet… Still as stupid as Peter Parker finding out that the spider that bit him was actually a ‘magical spider’ that just happened to be radioactive.

So, it turns out that Discord is evil, because the guy who you locked up for weeks said so. And Princess Celestia, being forgiving motherly figure that she is, decides ‘Yep, that bitch needs to go!’ How loving and tolerant of her!


So they turn Discord into stone, Twilight and her friends can’t track Tirek and find out that, ‘Oh, loving and tolerating Discord would have saved our asses when the fucking devil finally appeared!’

Celestia goes back to the human world to try to stop all the fighting and thanks to the intervention of God the world decides ‘Fuck it, we didn’t want to fight anyway.’

Oh, so that’s how war is stopped! Peace isn’t accomplished by economic interdependence or spreading of similar ideals. We should just keep fighting and wait for God to come and stop all the fighting. Like some parent who is telling their two children to stop wrestling over the Gameboy!

What a fucking load!


Now, I want to make something clear right fucking now. My religious views, be they different or similar to yours, have nothing to do with why I think this story is a dangling piece of fecal matter. However, it’s terrible writing, unrealistic storytelling, rushed plot, and un-relatable characters do!

Let’s start with the biggest reason right off the bat of why this story fails. I know what it’s trying to tell us. I know what the message is and I do think it’s a good message. It’s just that the message here is poorly handled. Like a horse handling the fine china.

For starters, the children who are drawing the porn of Celestia are pretty much unrealistic. This might surprise you, but most people who write or draw porn actually have personalities beyond ‘Oo, I wonder how I can make my willy feel today.’ They have families, friends, probably school, a job, co-workers they interact with. They are not a giant cock that needs to be rubbed every five fucking minutes.

A good story would have made the children more relatable and sympathetic. A character the reader could relate to and see themselves as. Instead of a over the top parody of them. Alienating them by making the characters less human instead of more.

Second, Celestia suddenly turning evil with little to no explanation given. I know the excuse is ‘she’s power hungry’, but without context, to hold it up, the explanation kind of collapses. Like Applejack with her legs cut off.

And Celestia comes off as so cartoonishly evil that I found myself laughing at her rather than being afraid of her. No matter how gory she came off. She became one of those types of villains who would only eat her breakfast in front of some really hungry orphans. And that makes me laugh, not because I’m a bad pony (though that doesn’t help), but because it makes her unrelatable. I know you want us to take this character seriously, but the way to do that is not to make her more evil. The way to do that is to make her more human. (If you’ll excuse the terminology.)

Again, it goes back to the whole ‘pervs’ talk we had earlier. Making your characters less human sucks out their humanity and people are less likely to see what they could become.

And because of all that the subtlety suffers greatly. It has this big message about love and tolerance plastered all over it’s body like that guy who really likes his tattoos. Instead of being clever with its message having it hidden throughout the story in hints and clues, it beats you in the head with his message, rather ironically, giving it less of an impact.

I’m not even going to mention the other stuff, like ‘show, don’t tell’ or ‘plot holes’ or anything like that. One, because if I did, this review would be a lot longer. And two, even if that shit was perfect, it still wouldn’t save this fic because, again, the subtlety is not where it needs to be. For something like this to work, the best way to learn a lesson is to trick your audience into thinking they aren’t learning anything at all. Or leave them to find answers for themselves. Not outright telling them the morals.

And that’s another painful night into the day of Nightmare Month. I hope you all enjoyed it. I certainly didn’t. And I’m not looking forward to next week’s review.

***

Sir, somepony is hacking my communication systems.

Who?!

I am unsure, sir. I am attempting to locate the source.

*Static echoes in the room, causing Critique to cover his ears and screech. The volume automatically becomes higher as a raspy voice enters the room.*

Hello, Copper Coin… I want to play a game.

Oh… shit…

Right now you have finished your fic and your review. Probably quite pleased with yourself. Probably thinking you will have a peaceful night before ripping apart somepony else’s dream.

Look, do we really have to do this?

Do you have something more important?

Actually, yes. I um… I … uh… next week is Nightmare Night…. And… my niece is dressing up as a vampire. … And I promised I’d… take her and her little friends… on Nightmare Night.

Well… that was unexpected… I didn’t think you cared. Very well. I shall spare you this year. But next year… We will have our game.


*The speakers screech once again, causing Critique to shout in pain. The voice is gone and Computer remains.*

Sir, are you alright?.

Did you happen to get the location?

Unfortunately, not. The encryption was difficult and he was not on the line long enough for me to have an accurate location.

Damnit! Well, at least he’s off my back for a year.

Are you not worried?


Relax, it will all be fine. I told him some lie and he won’t be back until next year. We can deal with him then.

*The doorbell rings.*

Now who could that be?

*Critique opens the door and hears a tiny high pitched roar that sends Critique on his flank. His eyes widened with horror as he beheld the giggly filly in a black and red cape. Her false fangs revealed as she smiled.*


I scared you, Uncle Copper!

*The tiny filly pounce on her uncle’s chest as Critique gave a nervous smile.*

Yeah. That you did, kid.

*As Critique looked up he saw Melody’s mother standing over them. At least, he knew how his niece got there. Melody’s enormous eyes looked straight into Critique’s glasses and smiled through her false teeth*

Uncle Copper, can you take me and my friends on Nightmare Night?

Well, that’s one way to get out of a lie.

Nightmare Month: Skittish


The Critique stood outside another home as the frantic children of all shapes and sizes scattered throughout Ponyville in series of cheers and quoting the famous little poem to politely ask for candy. Under the light of the moon, as if to spotlight him, he gave a smile. “Hello, everypony! I am-”

“Uncle Copper! Uncle Copper!” He heard a high pitched voice as he felt a small tug at the scarf around his neck.

“One second,” he said to the audience before glancing down to the unicorn filly that was his niece.

The light blue foal wrapped in a black cape smiled to the Critique. “Look!” She opened her little plastic bag, revealing a caramel apple. “I got a caramel apple!” She exclaimed, clearly excited her treat. Not surprising. That old couple had always given out the best treats. He might not dress up, decorate, give out treats, keep his lights on, or (during most years) celebrate this holiday, but he knew the best routes for Nightmare Night.

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” Critique said, giving his best impression to be impressed when talking to a little kid. Melody seemed to buy it, and that’s all that matters. “So, I guess you’re done for the night, huh?” He asked, giving a little pat on Melody’s head.

“Uncle Copper,” she giggled. “We just started.”

Critique giggled as well, a tad disappointed with her answer. All he really wanted to do was crawl in bed and forget about Nightmare Night, but that wasn’t about to happen. Not with his niece so excited. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“You’re so silly, Uncle Copper.”

“Melody! Come on!” A group of fillies stood just a few yards of the road. All in bright costumes. A mermaid. A princess. Some superhero. And another vampire. Most of them Melody’s age. A few girls a bit older, but not by much. “We’ve got to go to the Cake’s house! They’ve got all kind of goodies!” the princess called over to her.

Without a word, Melody sprinted over to her group, candy bag in mouth.

“Don’t you kids wander too far ahead of me!” Critique called out as they started to wander towards the Cakes in a skipping manner. A collective response of “WE WON’T” came to his ears as he started to trudge along following them. “As you can see, I’ve been roped into babysitting my niece and her friends on Nightmare Night.

“Your brother saves your life one time! One time and he thinks you owe him by taking his niece out on Nightmare Night.”

”Come now, sir. It is good for you to spend time with your niece.”

Another chorus of ‘Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give me something sweet to bite!’ reaches his ears as his group finds themselves at another house. Not the Cakes, however. Clearly they were distracted by the decorations of the house.

Critique shook his head. “Well, despite this, I’m still giving you guys my review. And what better way to do that then with this week’s story, Skittish

A ghost story perfectly suited for our Nightmare Month needs. Let’s not waste anytime. Let’s end Nightmare Month with the review of Skittish by MacSpooky.

The story begins with Cheerilee and Big MacIntosh taking her class on a field trip to the Chalk Cemetery. Supposedly the most haunted place in Ponyville. Who takes a class to a field trip to a cemetery?

Teacher: Hey, kids! How about we go see a bunch of dead people so we can desecrate their graves by having one of you go to the bathroom on their headstone? Won’t that be fun?!

There was no way out now.  No force in Equestria could keep her students from their visit to the haunted cemetery.

Then why did the principal approve this?! It’s official the education system in Equestria is Fu-

*Hears the laughter of children nearby*

… Gotta keep an eye on my mouth tonight. Messed up.

The mare named Dusty greets the students and says that she’ll be their guide on this tour of the cemetery. And the children actually start cheering, they are so excited to come to this haunted place. Huh? I guess Pipsqueak was right.

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Not that you ever amount to anything, you little.... Pipsqueak?

As the tour begins, Dusty notices Cheerilee a bit on edge. I shouldn’t be surprised by this. This happened shortly after The Longest Night. A hat I threw into the massive burning pile of Nightmare Night inspired stories. (Self-promotion, Shameless Self-promotion)

Cheerilee says it's because she’s frightened of cemeteries and Dusty reassures her that if she is upset than she can wait while she takes the class on the tour. Something, of course, Miss Cheerilee wouldn’t be so stupid to do, as she is responsible for the children’s safety…

And that sold it.  Cheerilee had to admit she would enjoy a little private time with Big Mac, to ‘let fate sort itself out.’

Oh, come on!


This is as bad as me walking in on my teacher with my neighbor when I had a question on my math homework. I still have no idea how he got into that position.

So, the tour begins, without the world’s greatest teacher around to be… you know… responsible! Dusty explains that the cemetery is indeed haunted and that that spirits of the Chalk family linger around.

Turns out that many of the family members of the Chalk family are killed in incredibly ironic ways.

For example…

Are any of you afraid of fire?  Here lie Forge and Ember Chalk.  They were lost in a fire 124 years ago.  Workers near these graves often set their clothes alight on their own torches or lanterns.  Two never recovered from their burns.”

Since my name is Critique, would I die by reading horrible fan fictions and being forced to review them? Or would I die from negative reviews I get on the horrible fanfics I write? … Neither of which sound all that appealing.

Are you afraid of monsters?  This is the last resting place of Major Bullmoose ‘Both Barrels’ Chalk, renowned big game hunter.  Despite royal decrees against it, he was known to poach for trophies in the Everfree Forest.  It is a shame you came too late for the open house at the Chalk Mansion.  Our taxidermy collection is the finest in Equestria.  But it is just as well.  On a night like this many ponies refuse to enter the Trophy Room.  At any rate, the Major’s last trophy was supposed to be a cockatrice.  This statue is not a statue.  It is the Major.  There is a time limit on how soon you can be restored after being turned to stone, and his bearers found him days too late.”

And the Cutie Mark Crusaders just wet themselves.

Dusty then explains that everypony has something that they are afraid of and when asked about it. Dusty explains that she is afraid of alone in the dark.

I would be too, that was a terrible movie.

“But fear not, children,” said Dusty, solemnly.  “You are not alone in the dark.  You are with me.  And I give you my promise, I will not leave you alone in the dark.”

Unlike that teacher of yours, who ditched you to play night games with Big MacIntosh.

:applecry: What are ‘night games’?

Ask your sister.

They get to the crypt of the last of the Chalk Family where they go on their next stop of the tour.

This crypt was built to hold several future generations, but there are only two occupants – Slate and Blanca Chalk.  Note how the door is ajar and torches are lit inside and out.  This is how the crypt is always maintained – when the Chalk family estate was willed to the Equestrian Historical Society it was on condition that the crypt be kept so, always.”


“Why is that, Dusty?” asked Apple Bloom.


“For the Chalk’s only daughter, Rosemond.  She… was like me.  Very, very afraid to be alone in the dark.  I’m sure she would appreciate the gesture, if she were here.”

Hmmm… I have a feeling we are supposed to take something from that… But I’m not sure what…

Dusty explains that the daughter, Rosemond, disappeared failing to become a teacher. Apparently, as a substitute teacher, she could not control her class due to her shyness. Well, at least you are trying with your students, unlike Miss Cheerilee over there, playing with Big Mac’s Big Mac!


I know! I know! I should move on, but I just can’t!


Suddenly a couple appear looking for their daughter. None of the students react to a missing child, but Dusty tells them to just wait until their daughter comes to them. Look, I know why Dusty is acting so calmly, but I just don’t feel like this scene should be there. I’ll get to why in a minute.

They were interrupted by the approach of an elderly couple.  Nopony saw where they came from; they seemed to appear out of a swirl of ground fog.  “Excuse us, but have any of you seen our daughter?” asked the mare.

“No doubt something is holding her,” answered Dusty, smiling at them.  “I ‘m sure she will make her way home as soon as she is able.”


“Thank you, Dearie,” said the stallion.  He squinted at Dusty.  “Do we know you?”


“We have met.”

Anyway, Dusty tells that Rosemond had been the victim of children’s pranks when she receives a notebook that has various embarrassing drawings of her. Don’t worry, Rosemond, all you have to do is make their heads exploded in a very ‘love and tolerant’ way, just like Celestia!

Rosemond, being grief-stricken by the students pranks, stays at school too late that night and is forced to walk home alone. She meets up with a stallion and despite this being a very bad idea with lots of red flags flying around, decides that she would rather not be alone.

This… while still stupid… Makes a lot of sense considering the character. I usually dog on characters that make stupid decisions and while this is a stupid decision, this one actually makes sense when you think about it and when you consider what we know about the character.

We already know she hates being alone in the dark. Hell, she made a big speech about it. With someone, no matter who it is or what the risk, is not being alone. Her fear of being alone overshadows her fear of a stranger. I admit, I actually like this. It shows her greatest fear turning against her to something that’s even more dangerous.

Turns out that the stallion Rosemond ran into was a graverobber and wanted her to join him in selling the corpses of ponies. However, Rosemond realizes that the graves he’s robbing from are her families. Rosemond is terrified of this and runs off. The stallion catches her, but when the two fall to the ground, Rosemond hits her head and dies. Whoops.

After the story, the group head up back to the surface, but Dusty seals herself in the crypt and locks herself away. The children begin to panic and try to save Dusty, but they can’t get the door open. Diamond Tiara figures it’s just part of the act and convinces the other students it is as well.

And… as most of you probably figured out by now…

Dusty graced her with a smile.  “You’re a very clever young filly.  And you are right, of course.  Only two ponies could have known about any of this, and both of them are long dead.  For this to be a true story, I would have to be a ghost.”

Dusty is indeed Rosemond.

And as if somepony wasn't quite there on that… A groundskeeper comes up and tells us the twist.

The older pony shook his head.  “Dusty was the nickname us kids gave Miss Chalk, way back when.  You know, like chalk dust?  We thought it was funny, but really it was just mean.”


“You knew Rosemond Chalk, Mister?” asked Silver Spoon.


“She was my teacher, for a couple months anyway, back when I was your age.  She was a skittish little thing, but that wasn’t a reason to be cruel.  Miss Chalk was smart as a whip, and she always tried to be nice, even when we weren’t nice at all.  She could have taught us lots of stuff, if we’d just behaved for her.  And she sure didn’t deserve whatever it was that took her away from us.”

And with that, the spirit of Dusty is laid to rest and joins her family in the afterlife.

And now the conclusion…

Taking into account the problems I have with it…

I still think it’s a fun short story.

The problems I have with it are very few to be honest. I don’t like Miss Cheerilee basically abandoning the class because ‘she’s scared.’ That bugged me. Big Mac didn’t really serve any kind of purpose and was just there for fanservice. Though, as you all know, I do support Big MacXCheerilee (though 80% of the feature box are now calling for the marriage of Limestone and Big Mac), but I still found his involvement in the story nonexistent except to be used as an excuse to get Cheerilee out of the story.

I’m not a fan of the ending personally, as I feel it outright tells us the ending of the mystery, rather than leaving it for us to figure out with the groundskeeper just randomly popping in like that.

I also don’t like the overly foreshadowing nature of Dusty and Rosemond being the same pony. I felt that it could have been handled better or more subtly.

And now onto what I do like and why I do give this story a thumbs up. I do like the character of Dusty. She’s an easily likeable character. She’s not some alicorn royalty or some ‘destiny driven’ character, or even has sex with the main six. She’s just a normal pony with a very interesting personality and some horrible backstory, but she uses it to better herself.

To be honest, I was actually a little disappointed we didn’t get to see more of Dusty. I mean, I know she is in the entire story, but I would have liked to have seen more of her. Like, what has she been doing the entire time as she toured the cemetery? Did she always give tours on Nightmare Night? On the other hoof, I do like not knowing as it adds a bit of mystery to her character and which I said earlier, the story was a bit weak in.

I like how the children are portrayed in this. With none of them being outright dickish. Even Diamond Tiara isn’t really that bad. At least, not as bad as I’ve seen her in other stories, where she can be outright heartless. Mind you, Dusty is the one who does most of the talking, but in the little tidbits that each character has, they show a lot more personality than other stories I’ve read that focus entirely on them.

I also love the build up in the horror and atmosphere here. It’s really good at making you want to be afraid of the dark, much like the main character. There’s only a drop of blood in this story, which means it’s able to produce fear by not having a lot of ketchup smeared all over the place. The story knows that gore doesn’t automatically equal horror and that it produces an atmosphere where the gore, though little there might actually be, is actually effective.

I would have liked to have learned more about the Chalk family, but that’s more of a nitpick since they aren’t the focus of the story anyway.

I know I keep going back and forth between not having a mystery versus having the mystery, but that’s only because I’m actually interested in the story and invested in the world of the Chalks that the author was able to create with only 3000 words. Something that Soren the Alicorn or the Starfleet Magic characters of Mykan, with 2 entire stories, hasn’t yet done.

But even if this is all I would get, I would leave this story satisfied as it told the tale it wanted to tell and it told it well.

Overall, an effective little ghost story that really has nothing offensive or appalling about it (in the bad way) and just wants to tell a good story. And I think it does it’s job. If you have a chance this Nightmare Night to check out just a fun little ghost story that you would tell around a campfire, I’d give this one a shot. You won’t regret it. Just … don’t read it alone… in the dark!

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***

“And that’s it for Nightmare Month. I hope you all enjoyed it and-”

“Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give me something good to bite!” The children chanted as they appeared at the Cakes house. Critique couldn’t believe it had taken them the entire review to get to that point.

Actually, he could believe it, with the girls stopping every few yards to go to another house. “Sorry, everypony, duty calls.”

Critique catches up with the girls as the gather around the counter of Mr. Cake’s shop. The stallion greets the girls with a smile and hooves out their treats for the night. The superhero smiles to the others. “Look, I got a strawberry cupcake!” she exclaimed as she held out the pastry in question.

“Mine’s chocolate!” Melody continued.

“I got banana nut!” the princess said.

As each of the girls declared their pastry, Critique couldn’t help but smile. A clever thought entered his head as the girls finished stating what treat they received. “I got a rock!” he stated as he reached for the ground and picked up a rock.

Surely, howls of laughter would be in his favor. However, his smile disappeared as the girls, one by one, tilted their heads in confusion. “Charlie Brown?” No reaction. “The Great Pumpkin?”

Still no response.

Suddenly, a chuckle came from Melody as well as a smile, but it was hardly the laugh out loud one he had expected. “You’re so silly, Uncle Copper.”

“Come on!” the princess interjected. “We’ve got to get more candy!”

With that, the five girls leaped to their hooves and ran off back into town.

”I thought it was funny, sir!”

“Shut up, Computer,” he replied, not in the mood to be patronized.

The night moved on as the girls continued their quest to get ‘the most candy in all of Equestria’. A tall order for the five fillies that were swiftly growing tired. Especially the youngest of the bunch. The little light blue unicorn in the vampire cape. Melody yawned as the group made their way back to the little town square, where their parents were waiting for them. All except Melody’s, who were no doubt waiting for her back at their house. Melody set down her candy bag, which was probably quite heavy for her, and laid on a nearby bench.

“Come on, kid,” Critique said as he watched the last of his little group meet with their parents. “Let’s go. Time to go home. We need to get you to bed.”

Melody got up from the bench, but slunk back to the ground as she did. Giving a yawn, she attempted to speak. “But I’m not sleepy,” She couldn’t have been faking it any harder if she was actually trying to fake it. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she barely had enough energy to move.

Critique dug his head underneath her and slipped her onto his back. “Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not…” her tiny voice was able to get out before it went silent with steady breaths. She barely moved or said a word as Critique took Melody’s candy bag with his mouth.

The trip back to her house was a short trip. A few minutes and the pair found themselves at the front door. After a quick knock at the door, Critique was greeted by his brother and his wife. Sunshine smiled as she noted the tuckered out filly on Critique.

“Aw, poor little thing. She’s tired.” With a flap of her wings, she made her way above them and scooped Melody in her hooves. “Come on, little girl. Let’s get you into bed.”

Melody soared up the stairs to Melody’s bedroom. Bronze turned and gave Critique a smile. “Thanks for doing that for her. It means a lot to Melody.”

Critique scoffed. “Nah, she’s kind of cute. I wouldn’t do that for just anypony.”

A chuckle escaped Bronze’s lips as he gave him another smile. “Thanks again, bro.”

Critique nodded. “Yeah.” He turned away. “Have a good night.” With that, Critique traveled back to him library, a smile on his face. This Nightmare Month… for all it’s problems… turned out pretty okay.

A Hero's Rebirth


Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.

Do humans suck?

I mean, we all know that ponies are the superior race. We can make music a thousand times better than they can, we have a Goddess who can take over the humans by torturing us rather than them because we are so awesome, and every fucking human on Earth would rather live here than where they live. Even though we want nothing to do with them, coming to our world, saving our lives and fucking our mares.

But does that give me excuse to hate them?

Of course it fucking does! And I’ve finally found a story that shares my hatred of the multi-digit species, A Hero’s Rebirth

This is a story that has such a low opinion of humanity that it actually makes me smile. By giving them the proper bashing they deserve, this story makes sure everyone knows that all humans are stupid by… making the main character a human and worshiping him like a god!


Why does Celestia hate me?

So, let’s review A Hero’s Rebirth by Lunar Star.

Our story starts with our young hero waking up at the sight of a unicorn.

A young man was sleeping soundly in his bed, he had just slowly opened his eyes and seen a dark tall figure hovering over him. He lay there for a moment, frozen in shock. His eyes scan the shape of the figure in the darkness, only the light of the moon shown through his window outlined the creature before him. “A unicorn?” He said groggily. He quickly grabbed the katana beside his bed but was too late to do anything else as the dark figure touched its horn to his head and a wash of light came over him.

Yes, our main character just picked out a katana from nowhere. Okay, I love katanas too. Don’t get me wrong, but who keeps a katana next to their bed unless your from Feudal Japan?! The only reason I can see that you would keep that weapon next to your bed is if you are trying to make an ironic statement about nerds and their swords or you think it makes you badass! It’s only badass if it makes sense! It’s like you just wanted to have a katana there for the sake of… having a katana there! Who are you? Suda 51?

So anyway the unicorn touches him with it’s horn and speaks it’s magic words.

“Your powers are needed now. Go forth and uphold your oath.” It was then the young man blacked out.

And by uphold your oath, I mean, sleep as soundly as Soren the Alicorn!

The kid wakes up in a forest. And here’s where we start the add points to the unoriginal plot points that were done much better in other stories. Because our character woke up in the Everfree Forest. Awakening in Equestria with little to no backstory on his human life. Meeting the Main Six. The Main Six instantly taking a liking to him. And of course, the human not freaking out about being in a magical land of talking horses.

And yes, the story does say that he’s a fan of the show. But even then, you were just taken from your home and teleported to another world with little to no chance to get home! Freak out a little, damn you!

“You are a human I knew it. But wait a minute I thought humans where myths? What are you or more importantly how did you get here.” She stared at him for a moment or two before he spoke.

Twilight says that she’s never seen a human before and that she thinks that they are myths. And yes, I did check the date, it’s before Equestria Girls.

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Yes, yes, I know you all wanted me to harp on that, but I can’t harp on what isn’t an issue.

So, Twilight, not in the least freaking out that a human exists and knows her name, takes the human back to her home to fix him up. Ooo, another point for one of the Main Six having to play doctor with him.

Soon, his score is going to be off the charts.

The two start heading for Twilight Sparkle’s place when suddenly a huge rumbling happens nearby. The two investigate and find a huge impact area, as if something massive had just hit the place. Oooh, I can see it now, Fluttershy Vs Godzilla! In a surprise twist, Fluttershy actually loses.

Add another point to the scoreboard, because the two are suddenly attacked by um… a creature according to the story…

The two hardly had time to react as a large head lunged for them. It struck the ground just beside them, launching the two in different directions.The human shook his head as he looked up to see the creature’s face. Getting to his feet the young man drew his sword and readied himself as the beast lunged again for him. He quickly side-stepped and swung a horizontal cut at its neck but it did very little. “Damn it.”

Turns out the creature was actually this…

Truly a terrifying foe.

He manages to pull out his katana and slashes at the creature, but it doesn’t do any good. Starting to think katana went out of style with the introduction of guns! He closes eyes and… does … something… I don’t know… I’m sure it has something to do with bullshit powers he has for bullshit reasons.

In Canterlot, Celestia and Luna discuss about the arrival of their new friend um…. human…. Yeah, we don’t actually know his name yet. They sense the human’s power level and believe that he is the chosen one they have been waiting for this whole time. I think that was like seven points in one go.

Luna and Celestia discuss what happened with him several thousand years ago and apparently this guy gave his life to save them making them forever in his debt. Also, Celestia is in love with him.

Whoa, stop the presses, people! We actually have a main character who is in love with Celestia and isn’t the Grand Ruler! This truly is a dark day for all Equestria!

We cut back to the human and Twilight who are dealing with the butterfly from earlier. Twilight then notices that the human is using the power of the force to send the several thousand pound butterfly soaring thousands of miles away! Yeah, starting to get a sense of how much bullshit we are in for.

The human passes out and Twilight tries to wake him up. When she realizes she can’t, she picks him up and takes him to the Everfree Forest. Add in a scene where she forgets she has magic.

Seeing that the human she met was not moving and she did not want to leave him there, she thought for a moment. “Uh duh I have magic.” Giggling to herself because of her own forgetfulness, her horn began to glow and it generates and aura around the man and his sword. She then trots off back to her home With the young human and his weapon floating behind her.

Yeah… the human can use magic whenever he wants and Twilight forgets that she has magic. Just another thing to add to the pile of ‘Things that piss me off regardless of whether they are warranted or not.’

We cut over to Celestia and Luna who can no longer feel the magic in the Everfree Forest. Luna thinks that something bad has happened, but Celestia doesn’t feel that way. However, Luna realizes that Celestia is still grieving, even after all these centuries… I guess for the convenience of the plot, characters don’t move on.

Celestia goes back to her bedroom and picks out a letter that she got from him. Again, several thousand years ago. I’d think the wise Celestia would have found the wisdom to move on. She reads the letter about how much ‘I love you, Celestia. I worship you, Celestia. I can’t spend one minute without you, Celestia’. Seriously, that’s almost the exact formula of the letter. With almost every sentence starting with ‘I’ and ending with ‘Celestia’.

And who is the letter by? Take a guess. Take a wild fucking guess. Just take a guess in this situation, who could the letter be by. Who is the one fucking name in all of Equestria that we know about, for sure, that the letter could be from?! You know you’re right! I know you’re right! So, let’s all just say it together.

Yours Eternally and a day

Lunar Star

That’s right! We’re in self-insert territory now! I told you these points were going to get ridiculously fucking high! Now, again, I’m not against self-inserts in a story, but don’t hold yourself on this pedestal of being better than everyone else! Already, he is more powerful than Twilight and has an intimate relationship with Celestia with little to no reason for it. So, there is nothing for him to earn! Celestia already worships the ground he walks on and by the end of it, pretty much every other character will too!

For little to no reason!

A good story has something difficult for the main character to obtain, that’s what holds the story together. Whether it be survival, a friendship, a peaceful solution to a violent problem. Either way, a story has some kind of obstacle for the hero to overcome. What obstacle does he have?! I know it’s only the first chapter, but I just have a feeling that there is nothing to overcome here! Like so many stories about self-inserts in the past, there is nothing for our hero to gain, because there is nothing that the author feels this character needs to learn.

I’m sorry, that doesn’t make me invested. That doesn’t make me relate to him! If you want a character to be relatable, give them something that they need to learn. And I’m not talking about ‘learning magic to defeat an evil being’, I’m talking about something to struggle for. Something that makes him human and not a tool to defeat an evil being.

And if I have to explain what that means, you need to rethink this character.

So, anyway, the human wakes up in Twilight’s home where Twilight explains to him what a Hydra is and what happened during their battle with it. That’s not what I meant by learning something!


Twilight asks why the human knows who she is and the human explains what My Little Pony is and how he masterbates to pictures of them on the internet. And, big fucking shock here, Twilight is not bothered by this at all. Yay, why would she be?

And then we finally learn the name of our main character and you remember that freak out I had a little bit ago with Lunar Star and how I thought that was a stupid name. … Well, the story … miraculously… managed to come up with an even stupider name. Are you ready?

Look it’s not important, just know that I know whom you are. As for me, name’s Tom but my friends call me Stargazer or Star for short if you want.”

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No! NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!

Stargazer?! Fucking Stargazer?! Are you kidding me?! Your friends actually call you this name… unironically?! I mean, I could understand if this was a login name online or even a LARP character name, but … there is no context. There is nothing there to tell me that is really what it is. It’s just… I’m Stargazer.

Fuck it, I’m calling you, Harry Balls. I can honestly take that name more fucking seriously than I can fucking Stargazer.

The next day, Harry wakes up in Twilight’s house, where he discovers that Twilight has received a letter asking her to investigate the disturbance in the Everfree Forest.

Dear Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student

It has come to my attention that an odd occurrence has transpired within the Everfree Forest. I would like you and your friends to investigate this for me as I am unable to do so myself. Take great care however as I know that there are dangers within those trees. I will be awaiting your full report upon your return from the Everfree forest.

Your mentor

Princess Celestia of Equestria

Translation: :trollestia: I am too much of a lazy bitch to get out of this bed and do it myself. Lack of responsibility for the win!

Or is it #lackofresponsibility? That’s me… always jogging about six miles behind the times… And the times is in a rocket car.

Anyway, Spike had some issues with Harry because he’s a strange man who knows more about each of them then he has any right to, but Twilight sees absolutely nothing wrong with that.

“Uh Twilight he’s not dangerous right? I mean he has that thing you brought with him.”

“It’s called a sword Spike and yes you are perfectly safe. Star would not hurt you, he’s just confused about how he got here.” Spike gave the human a quizzical look before shrugging it off and returning to his duties.

And it sure doesn’t take much convincing for Spike to see it Twilight’s way. I’m so glad this was an important plot point.

So, Harry asks if Twilight can teach him about magic and Twilight begins to show him basic levitation spells. Which Harry masters instantly. See what I mean by nothing challenges our little snowflake?

We then cut over to Celestia who feels Harry’s power. She asks the guard to bring Luna to her to investigate. Next scene.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight’s friends arrive and Rainbow Dash has her dick meter turned to 11. Though to be fair to Rainbow Dash, I would probably treat him the same way.

“So let me get this straight. The princess asked us to go and check on something that happened last evening in the Everfree Forest and you believe it to be this guy?” Rainbow Dash pointed to Tom.

“Hey I’m not this guy. I have a name you know.” Tom stood his ground with a large bruise on his arm.

“Oh yeah how about I call you mud or would you like another beating.” The cyan pegasus floated before him.

So, question for all you out there, if Rainbow Dash is best pony, why is she a bitch to everyone who meets her?!


And just to make our character more likable, when Rainbow Dash taunts him, Harry draws his sword on her and threatens to cut her open like a stick of butter. How relatable. Threatening everyone’s favorite pony all because she made fun of your stupid haircut. Because that’s the mature thing to do.

We then cut to Celestia who tells Luna that Harry has returned and that he is in Ponyville. Luna thinks they should go and meet him, but Celestia tells her that they need to be patient. And if you are confused because you thought it was actually Celestia that was in love with him and not Luna and thus, why would Luna be in such a rush to meet him with Celestia being the calm one? Well, that’s because you actually know what the fuck you are doing. Hold onto that. Never. Let. Go.

Seriously, wouldn’t it make more sense to have Celestia be frantic since she is actually in love with the guy and Luna is the one who tells Celestia that this is how it needs to be, giving her reassurance? Obviously, this story has its head up its butthole too far. If you couldn’t tell by the atrocious grammar.

Meanwhile, in the Griffin Empire, a griffin says that they felt a powerful surge of energy coming from Equestria when they were spying on them. Cause as we all know from one griffin, Gilda, all griffins are dicks. (Goddamn you, season 5! Fucking up my headcanon!)

Anyway, the griffins recognize that power as Lunar Star from centuries ago. Wait, does this mean that the griffins are as immortal as Princess Celestia and Luna? How many immortal beings are there?!


The Griffin King, Greaves, threatens that if Lunar Star is alive, then it is only a matter of time before the griffins kill him. Wait, I know who I’m finally supposed to be rooting for. Of course, with how greedy the griffins are and how greedy I am, you’d think I wouldn’t be racist against them.

To be honest, this is one of the few scenes in this story that has actual intrigue to it. I am quite curious what the griffins are up to. I’m sure I’ll be disappointed by the end of it, as we wait several hundred chapters for them to make an appearance again.

Six ponies and one human made their way into the deeper part of the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash flies over the trees, relaying anything she may see to those on the ground.

Well, it’s a good thing that somepony can see something through the sea of trees! You don’t have X-ray vision, Rainbow Dash! At least, not in this canon!

Twilight and the others search the area for about five seconds before giving up.

“Ok here is where I ran into Star before the Hydra attacked and he tossed it away. So we should start looking here and see if there is anything out of the ordinary.” Twilight trotted around, looking through bushes and shrubs in hopes of finding any kind of reason for Tom being there.

“This is getting us nowhere. Twilight there is nothing here.”

I would say the pacing in this thing is fucked, but I think that last two paragraphs just made my case for me. I didn’t cut anything out. That’s really how it is written.

So, after Twilight and only Twilight, spends about thirty seconds searching the surrounding area, they decide to pack it in. However, they are suddenly attacked by the butterfly from before. Oh, good, a villain from before, who is using the exact same tactics as before and was defeated by our hero with ease, is attacking the hero again. Truly, this story is a master of upping the stakes.

Also, fantastic job of being our lookout, Rainbow Dash! I can see that you flying above the trees was really useful!

Our Main Six cower in fear of the Hydra, even though they’ve faced a Hydra before, but I guess Fluttershy isn’t in the story yet since we have not seen or heard from her. But thankfully our hero, Mr. Balls, is there to save them with a massive teleport spell that he has never trained in or has any memory of doing.

I’m really starting to hate this character.

By now it was no longer a surprise to Celestia or Luna that they felt Lunar’s power surges.

By now, it should also no longer be a surprise that we cut to Celestia feeling Lunar’s power surge every time he does something. And these segments usually last about 50 to 60 words maximum. They add nothing to the plot and only serve to stop the story to remind us that Celestia is still in it. I think we have good enough memories that we can just know that Celestia is still in this story, thank you very much!


After teleporting to safety, Harry passes out and Twilight does what she should have done when she first met him. Write to Celestia about her discovery. It’s not season 4, yet. You can still write letters to the princess about these kinds of things.

We then get some kind of dream/flashback sequence about Harry being an alicorn and leading the armies of Equestria against a mysterious enemy. It’s pretty fucking pointless except to tell us what we already know. That Harry is a special snowflake and if you can somehow stomach all his bullshit without having thoughts of suicide, you need mental help.

Oh, and this mysterious enemy they face? Don’t worry, we’ll get to them later in the story. Trust me, you’ll be thoroughly disappointed.

He wakes up in a hospital, where he seems pretty fucking ungrateful.

Tom slowly woke from his sleep to the sound of beeping. “Great, I’m in a hospital”

I wouldn’t be too much a bitch, Harry. Not every character gets to the hospital when they need to. This is about the only good thing the Main Six have done!


Unless he’s worried that he’ll find Dr. Cox here…

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During his stay at the hospital, Harry tells Celestia about the time Lunar died right in front of her, reminding her of her pain. You are totally going to score, dude!


But, it turns out that, like me, Celestia is a masochist and is totally fine with making out with this human who happens to have the soul of her dead boyfriend. Love has no barriers, I guess. Even though this is probably considered necrophilia.

After their make out session, Harry talks about how he hates it on Earth and why he felt like he never belonged. Buddy, I don’t think the reason you don’t belong on Earth is because you are actually an alicorn who Celestia will come to make love to, I think it is because, you’re a pretentious git!

Don’t believe me, take a look at this.

When I was on Earth I always felt different, like I didn’t belong there. I had very few friends and none of my relationships really lasted. I was dealing with stress on a daily basis, shedding tears at night because I knew that there had to be someone out there calling to me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Oh, no! Dealing with stress on a day to day basis?! Wondering if you’ll be able to make that rent payment, groceries, holding down your job, reading, reviewing every week, getting your vehicle fixed up, taking care of your aging parents, going to school, trying to improve your writing?! No, that’s not fucking stressful at all! And anyone who says otherwise is clearly stupid!

I mean, you are dealing with … Um… You… have… Actually, what the fuck are you dealing with?! Seriously, there is no fucking context to this statement! There is nothing to suggest that his life is any more stressful than mine or yours or anypony else’s!

Hey, you know what people in the human world do when they have stress in their life? They fucking cope! This isn’t living up to the responsibilities of real life! This is fucking running away! Not that we are given anything you’ve run away from! For all I know, you’re just fucking petty!


Anyway, the Grand Galloping Gala is next week and Celestia wants to invite Harry for some ‘private time’. This story could not end any quicker.

The griffins continue to spy on Equestria and the griffins think it’s bad to actually spy on their allies. … What?

“That’s not what I mean. Greaves has lost it, look what he’s planning. A war on Equestria, a war against one of the few allies we have. Not to mention one of the strongest Kingdoms.”

Wait, so the griffins aren’t the bad guys? Then why did psycho king lose his mind back there when they mentioned Harry?! Furthermore, why are they spying on Celestia, instead of warning her to be careful around him?! That would be far more interesting! Fuck Harry Balls, I want to know more about these griffins and why they are spying on him! They sound leagues more interested than this character!

“So this Gala?”

“The Grand Galloping Gala? Yes what about it darling?”

“What’s it like? I heard Twilight talking about it before I left. She said that it’s held once a year?” Tom had figured since he was going to be here a long time, he had to get out and get to know that town.

I would like to remind you all that this character knows about the show My Little Pony and has seen all the episodes. So much so that he feels a special connection to the characters every time he watches the show… So, my question is, how the fuck does he not know what goes on at the Grand Galloping Gala?! They had an entire episode focused on it! I know a lot of people didn’t like that episode, but it was there! Maybe he read the bad reviews on it and decided to skip it.

Yeah, I can feel that special connection.

“Well darling, the Gala is a very regal party. All the upper class ponies from all over Equestria come to congregate and discuss dealing and the like. Though one has to receive an invitation from Princess Celestia before they can attend. Twilight, myself and our friends attended last year and... well things did not turn out as well as we had hoped.”

“How do you mean?”

Yes, Rarity, explain to this character who has seen every single episode of the show how you had a bad night in the episode ‘Best Night Ever.” I’ll just be over here, digging my eyes out with sharp pieces of glass!


Sweetie Belle appears and, of course, is not at all freaked out by the strange creature she has never seen or heard of. In fact, Sweetie Belle thinks he is the coolest thing eva’, fer shizel! She takes Harry on a tour of Ponyville and the Crusaders admire him for his ability to be written into the story as the main character. A talent that every other character that enters Equestria possess and yet it still manages to impress.

Meanwhile, Celestia continues to prepare for the Gala, only for us to be reminded of a much better story.

Thank you everypony, that will be all for today.” Celestia said from her seat above those who where in her throne room. As they filed out one of the servants stopped and waited till everypony else was gone.

“Your highness I hope I’m not being to bold in saying this but... you seem different.”

“Different? How do you mean Dusty?” Celestia raised a brow.

Wait, I know this twist! Dusty is actually a ghost! This is about necrophilia!


Celestia tells Dusty about the Panther War. Apparently, a race of beings called Panthers attacked Equestria long before Discord was a thing. They wreaked havoc on Equestria and only one hero, the savior, was able to defeat them.

We then cut to Sweetie Belle and Harry as he explains his time on Earth. And you remember when I told you guys this story is so racist against humans that it makes me happy. Well, that’s because I’d like to believe this story wasn’t actually written by a human. But by a race that hates humanity as much as I do.

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“Wars, Sweetie Belle. Throughout my time on Earth there was never not death or destruction. Humans, well most humans are savage and barbaric. They would rather kill each other then work things out.” As soon as he spoke he covered his mouth and turned quickly to the little unicorn.

Don’t worry, Harry. If God of Two Worlds has taught me anything, is that we just need to keep killing each other, until God finally steps in and says “Would you kids just get along?”

What? I’m sure it’s going to happen sometime!

It’s also good to note that humans are completely incapable of trying to solve things peacefully or trying to better oneself. I always thought Abraham Lincoln was kind of a swell guy. Good to know at heart, he was a dick. Maybe Anne Frank was wrong when she said that deep down all people are good at heart.

Seriously, Harry, go fuck yourself! Or is that barbaric of me?

“Yes...” He kneeled down and smiled to her. “You are right. I just... I see this place and I see a paradise. No wars, nopony killing the other for no reason. There is peace here and even though I grew up in a world where there was nothing but stress and turmoil, I longed for a place like this. I feel like, like I  belong here.”

Oh, yeah. There is certainly NO stress in Equestria. I can see that… With the bullies, the robbers, the supervillains, the pricks, the monsters that can eat your face, the shapeshifters that steal your identity, the evil magic that can take over your body, the financial difficulties of maintaining a business, or pretty much anything that would induce stress! What kind of messed up fucking world did you live in before you came here? Probably the depressing world of Frank Miller.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders return to Rarity, impressed by all the magic that Harry was able to perform. Would you like to see it?

Well, here you go…

She’s adorable, even when she’s doing something completely disgusting.

Yeah, we never actually see anything that would tell us what kind of magic he does. So glad we were SHOWN these things!

Twilight and Harry continue to do research at the library, proving how fucking useless Spike has been this whole time.

Aww… Wittle Spikey’s butthurt.

Twilight quickly turned and stared at him. He said that so fast right after she did that she snickered. “Who knows, you might even be Lunar Star.”

“Maybe but I think the odds of that are slim don’t you? I mean a human mysteriously brought to another land where he used to be this all powerful being just to save it from destruction. It sounds like a bad novel if you ask me.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha! You have no idea what irony is, do you?

Also, way to spoil the ending. I really want to read and continue this story now. Again, this is assuming I was enjoying it in the first place.

Celestia arrives at Twilight’s library where she asks Harry to go on a date with her. Twilight starts freaking out and Celestia explains that Harry is actually the alicorn she is in love with.

Yeah… remember that bad novel you warned us about? The one that would be stupid? … This is it! You just did it! Not even a fucking chapter later! And you really want me to judge this as a good story?!


So, Celestia pretty much posts all over Equestria that Harry is now her boyfriend and everypony just kind of accepts it. Hey, the story doesn’t care, why should they?

Celestia and Harry go on their date, which is of course, the most perfect date imaginable, which ironically, makes it the most boring fucking thing here. I know that they are supposed to have already had this relationship thing before, but it’s not interesting. He’s not interesting. He’s every Mary Sue character that existed before this was even a thought. He doesn’t have anything interesting about him and he doesn’t give us anything we haven’t seen before.

This is just another story about fantasy fulfilment for the author because apparently ‘humans suck and Equestria is better than you.’

I’m not invested in this relationship because I don’t give a crap about Harry to begin with. He’s pretty much a blank slate or a paragon of awesomeness that makes me want to puke with how unrealistic he is. He cooks, he cleans, he can do magic, he’s an awesome swordsman, he’s a philosopher, he can manipulate time and space, he can see into the future, he is the most attractive thing in the universe, he is never wrong, never starts a fight, is the only brave thing for miles, is misjudged by people who just ‘don’t get him’, even though they have no reason to, he can write poetry that can make the mares swoon.

Kind of see where this is going? He’s just not relatable! If I don’t find him relatable, I am not going to be happy when things are going well for him, nor am I going to be sad when something bad happens to him!

Urgh… Anyway, as if this story could not get any more cringe worthy, we, of course, have to the ‘first date sex’ scene. Thanks for that… That’s totally what I wanted to see. Another fantasy about a human fucking a horse. Because I don’t see that every fucking week!


The next morning, Luna walks into the room and is shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, that a man that Celestia is in love with, would dare have sex with him!

I know! Disappointing right?!

Luna explains that she’s lucky that no one else found out about them because there would apparently be riots in the streets. Even though, they were perfectly fine with them making out in public, but whatever, there is so much more stupid to go through.

They go to breakfast and Blueblood is mirroring the reaction of the audience…

“You can not be serious? You expect us to eat with this, this peasant? He is not even a pony for the light’s sake and yet here he sits as if we were equals? This is an outrage.”

The first line of intelligent dialogue spoken.

Celestia tries to defend him, but is shot down by Blueblood. But not to worry, Princess Celestia, your knight in shining armor is here to save you from those hateful comments that are 100% right! Kind of like the SJW.

Tom waved it off as she sat into his seat. “I care not what blood runs through your veins. I remember hearing about you and your arrogance and attitude. Always looking down to others just because they were not born with a silver spoon in there mouth. It’s ponies like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

But as soon as Prince Blueblood finds out that he’s the main character and a prince, he backs down and apologizes! YAY! Titles and fame does matter! What was that line you said before?

Tom waved it off as she sat into his seat. “I care not what blood runs through your veins. I remember hearing about you and your arrogance and attitude. Always looking down to others just because they were not born with a silver spoon in there mouth. It’s ponies like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

And yet you stop a pony by telling them you have a bigger silver spoon in your mouth. Hypocrisy, much?

Also, remember how much I said that human suck. Well, the story… I guess tries to make a statement that says ‘Humans aren’t so bad.’

“Humans are a barbaric species, I know this all to well. They kill without mercy and destroy without thought of rebuild. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that the universe might be better off without them. But that is not to say that all humans are such. There are those among the whole who show unwavering compassion and kindness. Those that think only of others rather then themselves. Those humans such as they are, are few and far between but it dose not mean that they do not exist.”

Tom glares at Blueblood. “Those few humans in the face of oppression, hatred and violence still would rather give you the shirt off their back then to watch someone freeze. They are more noble then you will ever be in your entire life. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. Nobility is not a birth right. Nobility is doing what is right, no matter the risk.” He then looked to Celestia. “No matter the risk.”

Wait, so humans suck, but they don’t suck? Make up your fucking mind! Go all hate for humans! Or go all love for humans! Going back and forth like this without some kind of example is stupid! And if you say that ‘because I’m human, that is the example’ as you’ve stated in this story, YOU’RE NOT FUCKING HUMAN!


We cut back to the only interesting thing… The griffins, as King Greaves tells his griffins that once he has the Ring of Power, nothing will stand in his way. And to be honest, he acts more like a villain from He-Man than he does any actual realistic villain. Not that most villains in the franchise are that realistic anyway. So, I guess I can’t harp it too much.

We then cut to Cadance and Harry talk about Celestia and how much Harry is in love with her. It’s long and boring and doesn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know. Story, Harry put his dick in Celestia’s cooch, I don’t think you could have made that any clearer!


We then get some backstory on Harry becoming a knight. And it’s so not interesting and not at all investing, and pretty much has nothing to do with anything as far as the story is concerned, that I’m just going to skip it. Believe me, I’m still about 20 chapters out from the end. I’m doing you a favor.

After that, a flashback occurs with Lunar porking Celestia, right before he proposes to her. Caught in the heat of the moment, Celestia obviously says yes. I guess that’s how I’ll get Rarity to marry me. Now, all I’ve got to do is convince her to have sex with me. How do you think she’d respond to that?

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I sure hope that was a scream of cheer, otherwise, I will be very offended!

Harry wakes up in the middle of the night, depressed because he just realized that Celestia’s only in love with Lunar and not Harry. However, Rainbow Dash appears and is all buddy-buddy with him now. When the fuck did that happen?

And in fact, Rainbow Dash is so happy to see Lunar that if Rainbow Dash was male, the zipper on her pants would be straining itself by now.

Hey uh Lunar about the day we met. Look I uh just wanted to apologize and well...”

With warning Tom felt a kiss laid on his cheek before the pegasus took off back to her cloud and flew away. Tom sat there a bit in shock and lightly places his hand to his cheek. He smiled softly and closed his eyes.

Oooo, is this going to be like Soren the Alicorn where he cheats on one of the princesses with Rainbow Dash? And when the princess finds out she’s like ‘Meh, what do you do?’ And you wonder why the relationships in the human world weren’t going so well? Maybe the problem isn’t humanity, bro? Maybe the problem is YOU!

Blueblood, Luna, Celestia and Cadance have a discussion about Harry, when Blueblood asks if this is really the same stallion who wanted to marry her some odd thousand years ago.

Isn’t obvious Blueblood. Celestia loved and still dose love him. It was only natural that they would marry.” Cadence added.

“Well I suppose but still, for as long as I have know her she has not ever taken a look at any stallion.”

Celestia looked to them and smiled. She could always find comfort in those closest to her. “To answer your question my dear nephew, I could not bring myself to be with another stallion. Lunar had known Luna and I since we were little. There was a large piece of me missing when died.”

“And now that he has returned?”

“I could not be more happier.”

… Okay, this just went from weirdly stupid to dangerously psychotic… So… Celestia has not only not moved on from this guy, but she depends on him to be happy. That’s… insane. I mean, I get it, losing a loved one sucks. It hurts! I get that, but… this is… kind of freaky. She will not allow herself to be happy unless this guy is by her side…

What if… by some chance… he was interested in someone else?

Lunar Star: Wow, Celestia it’s great to see you again.

:trollestia: Oh, Lunar Star! I’ve missed you so much! Take me back as you once did!


Lunar Star: Oh, Celestia. You’re a sweet mare and you know I love you, but… I’m in love with the Critique.

:trollestia: … What?

Lunar Star: Well, it just sort of happened. He got talking to me. I got talking to him and… we both decided, we love each other. We are actually getting married next year and I was hoping you could help us with the planning.

:trollestia: But… you’re mine! I waited for you! Waited for you for over a thousand years! Every day I cut myself for not being able to be with you, hoping that I would die and we would be reunited in death! And we would love each other… As. We. Once. Did.

Lunar Star: Look, I’m sorry, but… I was dead for over a thousand years… Ponies change…

:trollestia: Well… I’ll just have to cut out the competition.

Lunar Star: What do you mean?

:trollestia: I’m going to kill every single creature in this world until you and I are all that’s left! Then… we’ll be together… forever…

Now, that would be FAR more interesting that this!


Celestia decides to take Lunar to Cloudsdale to see the new Wonderbolts, with Lunar casting a spell that can make him fly without wings. Because, sure.

Meanwhile, in the plot, the griffins continue to search for the Ring of Power in the Tomb of Kings, which they will use to conquer Equestria. This would mean something if the characters in the story knew what was going on or even knew that the griffins were a threat. So far, the villains seem to be just waiting for the heroes to notice them and give them attention!

And because we haven’t had a sex scene yet and because this story has the maturity of a 15 year old, the griffin king gets one of his slave girls to have sex with him. Not that it wasn’t fun watching griffins have sex with each other, but what does this have to do with anything?! I’m serious, this sex scene comes the fuck out of nowhere! I mean, I’m not against sex scenes in a story! SHUT UP, I’M NOT!

But this comes straight out of left field… It’s like the story knew that it was incredibly boring, so it had to throw in a sex scene in the hopes of getting a couple more likes! I’m sorry, but I like my sex scenes to have build up and context! Not just thrown in there for the sake of having them!

Anyway, the villain thinks of evil schemes while the female griffin sucks him off. I guess if you’re going to think about evil schemes, it might as well be while you’re distracted.

Meanwhile, Celestia introduces Lunar to Spitfire and we learn that Lunar is not only the leader and the first Wonderbolt, he was also the founder and started the Sonic Rainboom when he was a toddler. Just keep on worshipping yourself. You can’t hire a griffin girl to do it for you.

BAM!

After meeting with the two trainees, Celestia asks Harry for advice on what to do about her new Wonderbolts. Yes, ask the human who has no flying experience for advice on something he has no business giving advice on! Be like asking Fluttershy on advice about ballsing up.

So, with how much sex Celestia and Harry have had, and with zero amount of protection they’ve been wearing, Celestia is expecting a child.

We then get a flashback that shows Lunar’s parents were killed by Diamond Dogs. Well, if Mykan’s unicorns aren’t strong enough to deal with Diamond Dogs then I can safely say, alicorn parents stand no chance.

Also, forget about the Diamond Dogs. They play no part in the story.

Anyway, the guards finally find out about Celestia’s affair with Harry, and like the evil guards that they are, they try to stop them from having their fun. Almost as if they are mirroring the audience's thoughts.

But the wonderful, great, fantastic, all powerful, magnificent Harry Balls (which is a more appropriate a name than I realized) stands up for Celestia’s right to fuck whatever she wants.

“Fools, you know not the one of whom you accost!” A purple aura swirled around him as he spoke. “So for those who can not fathom the notion, listen well. I am Lunar Star, protector of the Royal Sisters, guardian of Equestria and Lord of the Star of Aegis. Countless lives have fallen to the might of my hooves and I shall watch countless more before the underworld takes me again. All shall know my power and despair!”

And from that day forward, Celestia was free to bang potted plants at her leisure.

So, yeah, this came right out of nowhere. Only halfway through the story and we’ve decided to add in this ‘I’m possessed by an evil being plot’ as well as the ‘Evil griffins doing evil things, but the heroes don’t quite know about it.’ I wonder how badly these plot points will be ridiculously rushed.

Speaking of pacing, I’d like to take a minute to discuss the pacing of this story. It’s so fucking slow! All that really has happened is that Harry meets the Main Six, meets Celestia and has sex. That’s all that has happened with this character. I’d be fine with all this if Harry was given some kind of personality that made him the slightest bit relatable. But thank god, that isn’t an issue. Because then, I’d have to actually give a shit what the story thinks.

The only interesting point where the story seriously thinks about threatening to come to life is in the brief griffin segments. I know that with me skipping every other scene makes it seem like this story is going by rather quickly, but this story is padded with the most unnecessary scenes in the history of padded scenes!

Did you want to hear about what Lunar’s parents were like? Did you want to hear about the moonlight flowers with Luna? Did you want to hear Twilight being jealous of Harry spending more time with Celestia than she does? Or the fact that she is in love with him? No, of course you don’t! Because this story never uses them to build something! They just serve to waste our time!


So after a few scenes of Harry getting a servant, a suit of armor and a long ass explanation of why he has the armor he has, we finally get to the rest of the plot.

Apparently, the griffins have finally found the Ring of Power. We have no idea how they found it, where it was, why they have it suddenly, but who cares, we are making headway in the plot! With the thunderous speed of a slug taking depressants ramming his head into a brick wall!

The next time we see our hero, he is heading to Zecora’s place and remember when he didn’t know what the Grand Galloping Gala was? Well, it turns out there are a lot of things that Harry doesn’t know about for being a fan of the show!

“So a Zebra named Zecora, why am I not surprised.”

Tom made his way through the forest a good bit before he came upon a tree home. Outside was decorated in native masks and charms. “Hmm reminds me of the African culture. Course though right. Zebra, Africa.” He chuckled before knocking on the door. When no pony answered, he knocked again but the second time the door was open. Tom peeked his head in and looked around.

Excuse me, sir, but aren’t you suppose to be a fan of the fucking show?! That’s one thing I want to bring up, the consistency of what our character knows and what he doesn’t! He says that he’s a big brony that knows the show and everything about it, but it’s not actually clear what he has seen and what he hasn’t.

How did you watch the show? Did you just watch the little 5 second videos that SunnySandStorm makes?! (Plug, plug) Maybe that’s why you didn’t like humanity. They were all watching the show and enjoying it from the comfort of their living room while you stood outside their window, face pressed against the glass. Gently pleasuring yourself every time Celestia came on screen. Until the brony gets uncomfortable and calls the police.

But it turns out that Zecora has been kidnapped by the Panthers, who were thought declared dead centuries ago. So, not only are the griffins immortal, but apparently the Panthers are too. I’m starting to think death is pretty fucking meaningless in Equestria. Does that mean we are all zombies? This really is promoting necrophila!


They track down the Panthers and our heroic Harry Balls pulls out his long pointy stick and starts stabbing them all. Yes, I know exactly how I wrote it. It’s not any more stupid than anything else this story has written.

The Panthers claim that they were wronged by Celestia and Lunar Star long ago and that they have a high sense of honor while Harry is kind of a dick against them.

“That sword. I know that sword but the wielder died an age ago.” She then looked to the human’s face. “You’re the destroyer, aren’t you? Only he carried a sword like the one you now hold. Who are you? Even enemies should respect each other.”

Tom scoffed. “Respect? Your kind killed without pity or remorse. In my opinion you got what you deserve and if you must know, my name is Tom but your history might know me better as Lunar Star.”

“Yes our history dose speak of you. You killed countless numbers of us, burned our homes, drove us from our lands.”

“Your kind invaded ours! You struck first, killing entire villages, raping innocent ponies and gryphons alike. Those who could not defend themselves. We did what was needed to make sure you didn’t do it again. The fact that you still live is a testament to the Princesses pity for your race. If I had my way your kind would be wipe from the land for all time.”

And they claim that they kidnapped Zecora in order to save their species. Well, at least our hero is damning an entire race for something that happened thousands of years ago. Good to know that our hero is so forgiving! Now, this would be an interesting aspect to see. After all, you have two beings in one body. The Lunar Star character, who has every reason to hate the Panthers, and Harry Balls, the guy who would give them a chance to see their plight. An interesting conflict between the two and could give a perfect example to those ‘nice humans’ the story preaches about.

But the story pretty much piddles on the idea, because they're the same fucking person and they have the same fucking mind, so it doesn't’ matter!

And again, why are we focusing on the sex drives of Harry, when the story is so much more interesting with the Panthers? Or the Griffins? Why do they feel justified in their actions? What is their motives? Why did the Panthers kidnap Zecora? Why did they feel that Celestia hurt them first?

All these questions are left soaring away from us like an unsecured balloon as the chain pulls on our leash again to make us pay attention to Harry masterbating to himself.

So, to add on the ever growing pile of ‘How did the Main Six live without the new main character’ Applejack comes to Harry’s doorstep, crying her eyes out and practically begging for Harry to use his magic to make her life easier and take over her applebucking. Not only does this pretty much spit on Applejack’s character, but I kind of remember her doing that in SEASON 1!

Oh, wait, I forgot. You don’t watch the show. Never mind.

After moving the plot backwards a couple steps by having Harry do all the work at Sweet Apple Acres, he goes and picks up his suit from Rarity before running into Derpy and having a conversation with her. And plot continues to lag behind us.

It was nightfall when he arrived back at Twilight’s home and seen the unicorn still reading. “Sheesh Twilight don’t you ever get tired of reading? I mean there is more to life then what’s within those pages.”

You know what, you are absolutely right! There is more to life than reading what’s within these pages! A fucking lot more! In fact, I’d be insulted if there wasn’t! If this was life, I would say ‘POINT A FUCKING GUN AT MY HEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER! BECAUSE IF THIS IS LIFE, I WILL TAKE MY FUCKING CHANCES IN HELL!’

What I’m saying is that I don’t like this story very much. Did that come across? I don’t like this story very much.

We then get a flashback about a filly we’ve never seen before with two alicorns that… I assume are Lunar and Celestia, but it’s never made clear. And if it was them, why did they have a child? They haven’t mentioned any child from before. Why would they suddenly have one if Celestia hasn’t given birth to any child yet?

There is mention of a new baby brother or sister, but if the baby brother or sister is him, then why is he experiencing memories of before he was born? Is this like Nightmare on Elm Street where children can manifest as dreams before they are born? Or something stupid like that?

Oh, wait, it’s a vision from the future. Oh, good. I was just kidding when I said he has the powers to look into the future in my long rant several paragraphs ago. Good to know that the story took my criticism and said ‘Oh, yeah! That’s the power I forgot to give him. Thanks, Mr. Critique.’

YOU ARE SO NOT WELCOME!


Tom never really spoke to Fluttershy like he did with the other girls. Most of the time she would run and hide from him or just never answer if he spoke to her but lately she seemed to be warming up to him.

Oh, good. Fluttershy is warming up to him after all the hiding and fear she gave him. Which is kind of funny because this is actually the first fucking time we’ve actually fucking seen her!

And this brings up another issue that I want to address. There are too many characters for the story to properly balance! It feels like if the story has to focus on more than two characters per scene, it gets lost and confused and just wants to end the scene as quickly as possible. And for six main characters from the show, Spike, Celestia, Luna and the one that nobody likes, the story feels like a cluster fuck.

I know you can’t tell from these little tidbits I give you, but Fluttershy is only just barely appearing. Applejack has little to nothing to do with the plot. Rainbow Dash is only there to be a dick so that you can feel bad for Harry. And Pinkie Pie doesn’t appear anywhere in this story. There is no mention of her, there is no acknowledgement of her existence. She doesn’t even get a fucking line!

My guess is, she’s dead. She found out what story she was in. Didn’t want to go through with it and reenacted the story ‘Goodbye’ in which she jumped off a cliff because there was no more happiness in the world. … You know, that just made that story make a lot more sense.

After spending about 7000 words getting ready for the Gala, actually it’s only about 700, but it sure feels like 7000! They finally arrive at the Gala, and by they, I mean, Twilight, Rarity and Harry. Fuck other ponies other people like! I’m going to have a foursome with the ponies I like!


At the Gala, one of the ponies accuse Harry of stealing his mare from him. It’s rather funny because this is the servant girl we met from several chapters ago who hasn’t been seen or heard from since and honestly the two characters spent less time together than he and Fluttershy did. So this accusation makes no fucking sense except to make our audience feel bad for the character because ‘they just don’t understand him.’

And you know, all that talk about humans being dicks, and I have not seen one human actually be a dick. And Harry doesn’t count, because if you recall, he’s an alicorn pony. Not a human. But I seem to be seeing a lot of dick ponies. You know, if this is supposed to be a fucking paradise that the main character says it is, then this story would have ended 20 chapters ago, and I wouldn’t have thoughts of going into Ponyville and murdering everypony who smiles at me!

The stallion attacks Harry with his sword and everypony, including Celestia and Twilight, cower in fear of him. Shaking in their hooves as this normal, not special at all, basic magic unicorn who probably doesn’t know the first thing about powerful magic waves his sword around like his extended willy!

But not to worry everyone, because our hero is there with his own sword and battles the bully and defeats him.

The bully sits on the ground looking up to such magnificent talent and apologizes. “I’m really sorry,” he says. “I accept defeat and acknowledge that you are better than me.” He looks up to the amazing hero that is Harry. Tears flow from his eyes as if he is beholding the face of God. “Might I suck your dick as penance for my hubris?”

“Yes, you may!” The Great and Powerful Harry Balls decreed.

… Yes, I know those aren’t actual quotes from the story, but honestly, could you tell the difference?

So, the Gala goes off without a hitch and is the best night ever, which is a little odd because I remember Celestia saying something along the lines of this…

Youtube Video

But I guess that was before the story decided not to watch the show… I mean… umm … Before the great and amazing Harry attended the Gala and made everything perfect somehow! Except for the guy who tried to kill him! But he got better! Harry showed him a better way!


And so, Harry and Celestia go off to start a family together. Which is odd, because I was under the impression that Celestia was already pregnant at this time. Does the story not know where babies come from? Or does it assume that protection is just something that is only mildly suggested to not get pregnant?!

So, Harry proposes to Celestia after having sex with her. And of course in the heat of the moment, she says yes. Deja vu, fuckers!


Meanwhile, in the real plot with real characters with real problems and real concerns, the griffins have invaded the land of the ponies, stating that they already have several ponies cities under their control. And yet, nopony seems that concerned with it. In fact, there is no declaration of war. There is no mobilization of forces. There is not even a word mentioning that Celestia even knows what the fuck is going on.

Jesus Christ, even when the villains are attacking and enslaving ponies, the heroes won’t even give them the time of day! If I was a villain in this world and just wanted attention, I would be fucking frustrated by this point! Seriously, I go to all this trouble of stealing the Ring of Power from the Tomb of Kings and invade my neighboring country who happens to be my ally and what’s Celestia’s response?

Good, maybe you can beat them the way Adam Sandler does.

The griffins decide that Celestia isn’t going to give them attention, then maybe kidnapping her like fucking Princess Peach will yield better results.

Back over to the stuff that nopony cares about, Harry thinks about the family he never knew and gets into a long, drawn out conversation about his parents who he doesn’t know and we never end up learning anything about except when they go Mufasa at the end of the story to tell him how great he is.

Yeah, there’s a picture of them in the sky and everything.

Also, Harry decides to write a letter to his human parents on Earth. Foul! I call foul! Humans are barbaric, savage beasts who doesn’t deserve to know what happened to their children when they disappear! In fact, humans are so evil and so not worth letting live, that they probably wouldn’t shed a tear if their child was brutally murdered by a serial killer! They’d probably end up saying ‘Well, it’s the kids fault! They should have fought back!’

This story is not living up to its promise of making humans look like assholes!

So, Harry writes to his family about how ‘I was never belonged in that world because I can’t use magic. And I didn’t have Celestia to put my dick in! And none of my friends were ponies that love me because I’m me! And I have all this stress that I’m not going to explain to anyone! Because if you don’t know how hard I work without me telling you how hard I work and just expect you to believe, then your a faggot! I’m so much happier in this world where they worship me like a god then with you assholes who only raised me for 18 years of my life. Put a roof over my head and clothed me! Fuck you, mom and dad!’

Blah, blah, fucking blah!

So, our next chapter sees the griffins sneak into Celestia’s chamber and attack Harry. With a knife… Two griffins and a knife… The guy takes on fucking Hydras like they're Breezies against a fucking hurricane, but a knife?! He’s got no defense. For all his magic, for all his power, for all his skill, a griffin with a knife is too much for him to handle.

I knew the payoff would be disappointing.

Also, want to know what’s even better? The griffins, masters of stealth that they are, have this long conversation with each other, while kidnapping Celestia, and sleeping next to her, is Harry. Fucking Soren the Alicorn doesn’t sleep through shit like this guy does!

Seriously, he’s right fucking next to her?! And they talk like they are the biggest men on campus! And that doesn’t get him to move at all?! I don’t know why they bothered to gag Celestia at all! She could have screamed at the top of her lungs and he still wouldn’t have budged!

The next morning Luna wakes up Harry to find that Celestia has not raised the sun. Harry asks why Luna doesn’t do it, but Luna says she can’t because … she messed it up… Somehow…

“Please big brother thou has to try. The last time we did it, it did not end well and Tia forbade us from doing so again.”

Yeah, absolutely no context! I’m the author and you better fucking believe what I say!

*paints a target on his forehead* SHOOT ME! FUCKING SHOOT ME!


“Me? Whoa, Luna I don’t have the ability to raise the sun you know this. Besides I don’t even know if my magic is at it’s peak or not, I could kill myself.”

So, Harry agrees to raise the sun to prove that he is better than Luna and Celestia at the same time. Unless he dies.

PleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdie

Using his magic he moved the sun into its spot in the heavens and before he knew it, Luna had lowered the moon and he moved the sun along.

FUCK!


So, Luna suspects that the griffins were involved with Celestia’s disappears because of invasion force that is within their borders.

Youtube Video

So, the war between the griffins and the ponies begins and it’s about a boring as every other scene in this fucking story so far. It’s clear that Harry is more than a match for them and really nothing can challenge him, so what the hell?

And then… the story switches it’s style of writing for the next three chapters. Instead of it being a narrative, it’s written out like a war journal. First person and everything. I admit, I do like the transition into this better than other stories that have done it this way, but it seems very out of place. There is no other point in the story where it does this. Just these three chapters. It’s never appeared before this and it doesn’t appear again after this. So, why the sudden change? Were you bored with your old style?

Whatever, we’ve still got 10 more chapters to get through.

Also, we get more hints that ‘humans are dicks. Fuck humans!’

We may have learned that King Greaves has kidnaped Tia to get to Luna and I but still, I turned into a monster. I am sure Celestia would cower from me or at the very worst, leave me. I wouldn’t blame her I mean Lunar may have been whom I was but my instincts are still human and those are the ones I fear.

WE ONLY HAVE YOUR WORD FOR IT! THERE ARE NO EXAMPLES OF HUMANS BEING PRICKS! Even in your dumbass letter to your family, you don’t reveal any flaws on their part. You only explain that you have flaws and you failed them! They weren’t the problem! You were! Again, maybe the problem isn’t humanity as a whole?! Maybe the problem is that you aren’t a good human being to begin with! What? Did you watch The Purge a hundred times before coming to this world?

I won’t bore you with the details of war, because there is pretty much nothing to tell. We get introduced to a TON of new characters, whose backstory and personality we have to shoehorn in and the war gets pushed aside to put in these characters. It feels like the story couldn’t find a way to keep the war interesting through the entirety of the story, so instead, to fill out the word count, it threw in a bunch of characters that we’ve never met before and don’t serve much to the plot to begin with!


This is especially apparent when we have this build up for a big battle where Harry must infiltrate a Griffin Stronghold to take out a griffin general. They make their plan to invade it. And the very next scene is Harry walking out of the stronghold with the general’s head. The battle was completely skipped over, because that would have been too awesome for this story. So, in honor of that spectacular fight scene we just witness, I’d like to show you another fight scene that is on par with that one.

Youtube Video

And as if the story could not possibly drive any more hatred from me… It brings in philosophy like he’s fucking Socrates.

“It depends Luna. Humans, most of them are a barbaric race. It saddens me to say such a thing to the race of which I currently belong to but it is the truth. We kill each other over things so stupid. The most common thing is religious beliefs. I know that here in Equestria there is no such thing and look how harmonious it is. Then you have those that lose their minds, killers, rapists, thieves, anyone who believes that they are better then you has the potential to be any of the above.”

Oh… we are playing the religious card, huh? Hm… I’m not exactly an expert on religion. I think I made that clear in The God of Two World review, but I think that religion isn’t exactly what many would call ‘STUPID’ as you so aptly put it.

Most religions I know of try to promote things like ‘Loving thy neighbor. And showing compassion to others’. Almost like those who kill for religious purposes ARE THE EXCEPTION!

In fact, most of the religions I know say to never start a fight!

And for all your talk about ‘Equestria being a paradise’ how come from what we see, Equestria has dickish stallions who abuse their wives, a psycho-pony who clearly wants to murder everything in his wake, and a group of griffins who want to see the world burn. This isn’t from the show, because I know you clearly haven’t see it! This is from your own damn piece of shit story!

Good. Fucking. God. You have got a sack on you, bro! You have got some sack!

So after that amazing insight into human psychology, Harry gets a vision from her mother, the goddess Gaia. The Earth. … Yeah, I am not surprised by this at all. In fact, the only thing that will surprise me at this point will be if this is all in Harry’s head and he’s actually in a mental hospital.

And then, Celestia is writing her own diary? What? You know what, I don’t care.

It’s a whole lot of nothing anyway that only serves to slow down the plot of this thing. As it turns out the griffin king is actually treating Celestia rather well. Besides, the whole kidnapping thing. He keeps her feed, provides a roof over her head.

You know, I could actually get behind this story, if it turns out that this whole time, it was going for a Beauty and the Beast thing between Celestia and the Griffin King, with Harry playing the role of Gaston!

But, no. We aren’t that lucky, I’m afraid.

And this goes on for two whole chapters. TWO chapters of Celestia flashing back to times before the story happened to have her make out and have sex with Lunar, even though they are in the middle of a freaking war!

Again, the war takes a backseat to Celestia’s guilty pleasures! When I’m in the midst of a war between griffins and ponies, I expect there to be an actual war! Instead, it’s like it's in the background of the story with the story remembering every so often that, ‘Oh, yeah. There is one of those, isn’t there?’

And you want to know the worst thing about all this is… There is not one piece of new information that comes from all this. We have seen everything that she talks about before. There is nothing new to all this. It is just recapping everything we have seen in the story! I am not even fucking kidding with you guys! The story takes 2 chapters to explain everything that has happened in the story thus far! The only thing that happens is we see one of the griffins take pity on her. Again, why are we focusing on Harry when the griffins are a million times more complex?!

Only 5 chapters left… Let’s just get through this…

During one of the battles, Rainbow Dash get injured. Harry loses it and goes on a killing spree against the griffin, bathing in their blood and drinking it up like it’s fucking lemonade. Um… Mr. Alicorn, are you sure humans are the bad guys?

They end up capturing a battalion of Griffins. And once they find out who he is, they start lining up virgins to sacrifice in his name!

He gets a dream about his father coming to him and telling him that he is the chosen one who will bring balance to the force and that he’s destined to be the greatest alicorn that ever lived in the history of ever, no seriously, you guys, he’s just that much cooler than you!

Anyway, after some more backstory about his father, his mother, Luna’s parents and some more about how great Harry is, we finally get to the chapter where Harry fights the griffin king to save Princess Peach.

The griffins agree to a talk and asks for their surrender. Harry replies by slicing the messenger’s neck out. Yeah, humans are really barbaric, Lunar. I can tell by the way the PONY slices up people like Pinkie Pie with fucking cupcakes!

The Griffin King and Lunar fight for a bit, but the Ring of Power keeps the Griffin King from dying. It looks like our hero as well as this story is finally going to be put to rest. Thank god!

So, how does our hero get out of this one? … He stabs him. … So much for the immortality. Maybe it was one of those replica rings.

However, it turns out that our hero is too late to save the one he loves and she is finally happy because she will no longer be his slave. But like a cruel twist of fate, our hero knows a spell that will sacrifice his life to bring her back to life. Death really has no meaning in Equestria, does it?

So, he’s dead right. He’s dead. Gone forever. There is no way he’s going to come back from this. Well, I think I might just enjoy this story now. The worst alicorn of all time is gone and there is nothing, nothing that can bring him back

The two Alicorns nodded to one another and with their combined magic, lifted Tom’s body into the air. Following suit they floated on either side, flapping their wings. As their magic began its work, the armor Tom wore fell to the ground piece by piece till his naked body floated in a ball of magic. It then started to contort and mold his form.

His legs twist and bend, forming hind legs. His arms and torso grow in muscle and become broad. His hands and feet turn into hooves. A pair of elegant wings burst from his sides and a horn breaks through his skull as that too changes and morphs. His hair grows long, becoming a silvery mane and a tail sprouts from his rear. Upon his flanks is placed a crescent moon and a single star, his cutie mark. With all the changes complete, the now three Alicorn lower to the ground. Luna, Celestia and all the others watch in awe as their friend was changed forever.

The two regal Alicorns soon stand side by side as the third lay upon the ground. But then, he slowly moves, Celestia and Luna let out soft gasps. Then the stallion rose to his hooves and groaned deeply. “Ugh my head.”

NOOOOOOOO! NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!


THIS IS STUPID!


Jesus fuck, what did I just read?

This feels like if Solar Embrace was written by Dakari King Mykan! That is what this story feels like!


The pacing is shit! For the first two thirds of the story, we are treated to nothing! Nothing at all and it drags like a fucking slug! Nothing interesting happens, nothing challenging happens, nothing changes! It is one big, long, boring tour! A tour about how great Harry is and all the wonderful things he CAN do, but doesn’t!

And because of that, it makes the last third of the story completely rushed as hell as it tries to fit in this war that, while it admittedly built up, doesn’t come into fruition until 20 chapters later, when most of the audience stopped giving a shit! The war is ridiculously rushed with very little happening within it! Not to mention, if anything does happen, it either happens off screen or is so one sided with the hero being so unstoppable that it becomes impossible for me to become invested!

If there was a proofreader on this thing, I would seriously consider hiring another one. The writing is bad. Spelling is inconsistent. Grammar has commas missing all over the place. Not to mention wrong punctuation or capitalization up and down!

The characters are completely inconsequential and only serve to promote how great Harry is! The Main Six in this story are a fucking joke! Half the time, I barely even remember they’re there! They do nothing important! They bring to the main character nothing important! They have nothing important to say! Why are they even there?! This story could have honesty written them out of the story and it would have changed nothing! Overall, the story would have only been improved with them not being there!

I can pretty much say the same thing about them as I can Luna and many of the other characters in this story. Celestia is just eye candy for the reader, a sex toy for the main character, and the prize to be won at the end! It insults this great character by reducing her to this!

There are so many original characters that are introduced in this story and while some of them are actually sort of interesting, this story focuses on all of the shit ones! The griffins and the panthers were the only characters that I was actually interested in. They were complex, identifiable. Their motives weren’t black and white. They had some grey areas! That gave them depth!

The characters that are introduced that aren’t Harry don’t have that! Most of the characters are introduced for one fucking chapter and then are never mentioned again. The Wonderbolts? What the hell was the point of them? They do nothing as far as the rest of the plot. The two generals that fought alongside Harry? They served no purpose and no zero personality. They don’t do anything memorable and change nothing in the war altogether. The servant girl? Her only job was to be a victim of her abusive husband so that Harry could swoop in and rescue her.

The story has a very low opinion of women. Between the Main Six not even being able to defend themselves and having to rely on Harry to come in and save them every time a crisis appears to women being used to simply be sex slaves with men, between the Griffin King and Celestia. While, I’m not sure if the story is sexist, I would not be surprised if that was the case. The story always makes it a point to protect women, as if they are weaker than himself.

Plot points are introduced and forgotten about almost as quickly. The Wonderbolts? Again, that went nowhere. The Panthers? How are they still alive? Why are they kidnapping Zecora? Why do they feel that they were burned by Celestia? And the griffins? I know the story says that the Griffin King wants to put everything under one banner… Why? What is his motive to think that? Again, this character is more interesting and yet, we learn nothing about him or anything he’s thinking! I’m guessing this gets explained in a sequel or something, but if you plan on dealing with it in the sequel, why would you not introduce it in the sequel?!

And then there is the biggest problem of the story… Our main character. I have not seen a more pretentious, bigoted, self-absorbed, overly glorified main character since the Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn. That’s right. I think Harry is as bad as the Grand Ruler.

He is over glorified for the little he actually does, other characters instantly like him or when they don’t, they are either killed or beaten to the point that they repent and worship him like he’s the fucking savior! Which the story makes a good point to remind us almost every fucking scene! He uses himself as a mouthpiece for the fact that humans are shit and other beliefs! It’s a self insert that is more interested in making himself look like the ultimate badass than telling a good story! Makes himself so powerful that nothing in the world that is created around him can match his power! Can do no wrong in the eyes of others!

Even though that there are several points in the story where he’s clearly not well in the head! He’s a fucking psychopath! He constantly states that ‘I’m going to kill them all!’ ‘If I had my way, you’d all be dead!’ He goes on a fucking rampage slaughtering griffins, even ones that just want to talk… And… nobody sees anything wrong with this. Nobody looks at this bloodbath he is on and says ‘Holy shit, this guy is fucking nuts!’ Celestia doesn’t think ‘This isn’t what ponies should be like at all! This is not okay!’ Even to his own fucking ponies he’s horrible. He threatens Rainbow Dash and almost cuts her open! He threatens the guards when they find out he’s sleeping with Celestia. He’s an awful pony! But again, nopony thinks this is bad.

And you know why? Because the story doesn’t care. It just doesn’t care what you think. It is so convinced that it is right and you are wrong that it just couldn’t care what you think. It doesn’t care what I think. It doesn’t care what any of us think. All it cares about is how good Harry looks.

It is one of the worst and most painful fics I have ever had to sit through. It is My Little Unicorn level of pretentious. I hope this story burns in hell and I am happy to God, that there is no a sequel to this. … And even if there was, it’s not completed, so I won’t read it!


Angel Cake


[page_break]

War Machine? No… not enough material there....

The Chase? *Sees word count* Yeah, that ain’t happening.

Boned Mind? Yeah, the author was clearly trying there.

Ugh! I can’t find a story to review. I’ve never had this problem. I’ve always had something. And I’m running out of time… I could always just pick a random story and hope it has enough material. Or… I could do one that I find on… Rage Reviews.

Maybe you’ve heard of this group. It’s a group of reviewers that find the most putrid fan fics on the site and give them a piece of their mind. I’ve done a couple of reviews for the group myself, though I’m quite as involved with it as they are. I’m a very casual member.

But thanks to them, I have been able to find most of the reviews I end up doing. Not all. But it’s definitely given me a list to start with. And I picked from the bottom of the barrel.

A little story called Angel Cake by ROFLBED0

Funny enough, the story that actually got in the Straight-A-Rage folder, the worst of the worst, was the sequel to this one, not this story. But I did want to review the sequel to this and see if it is deserving of the Straight-A-Rage or if I felt it was misrepresented. Unfortunately, we won’t get to do that this week. Instead, we’ll be looking at the prequel to this story. And I got to tell you, right from the description, we are not looking promising.

After the birth of their foal. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie become a family. That is until it is foalnapped.

Already we are in some deep shit. First off, how did Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie become pregnant when both of them are female? Or did they have a donation from somepony? Did they adopt a child? But that can’t be it, because it clearly says ‘birth’, so how did that happen?!

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit judgmental and jumping to conclusions. After all, we haven’t even opened the story yet and I’m sure the story can conjure an explanation. So, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.

So, the story starts ten months after Fluttershy’s wedding introducing the house that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie live in… Wait, what?

The night was cold. There was no sound and there was not a light on in the whole town. The town of Ponyville slept quietly as the night had come. There was a home in the center of town, it consisted of three floors with balconies and a large front yard. The house belonged to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. They had moved in together just a few weeks after Fluttershy's wedding.

Okay, ignoring the fact that every single fucking sentence in this paragraph begins with the first three letters ‘T H E’, what the fuck does Fluttershy’s wedding have to do with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie living together?! Did Rainbow Dash need special permission from Fluttershy before she could move in with Pinkie Pie? Is Angel so controlling of Fluttershy’s life that she actually threatened Pinkie Pie not to move in with Rainbow until Fluttershy was married? But how does that make sense?!


Why would Angel care what Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash do with their lives?! Are they living in Fluttershy’s house and that’s what the significance of it is?! If so, why the fuck doesn’t it just say Fluttershy’s house?! And if that is what they are going for, why the hell is Fluttershy’s house in the middle of the town?!

No, no! You’re supposed to be Supermare, not Batmare. That’s Derpy!

One paragraph in and the premise is already bullshit. Then again, it was probably bullshit before that, but again, benefit of the doubt here. Although I’m starting to think I’m giving it too much benefit.

The story doesn’t really give us much background on Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash being together and just kind of expects you to just roll with it. I admit, seeing them as friends in the show is probably what the story is trying to go for, but if I’m to believe this shipping, I need a little something more than the author’s word and the fact that they are living together.

Anyway, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash get into bed for the night when suddenly Pinkie Pie goes into labor. Yeah, apparently Pinkie Pie is pregnant. Still no explanation on how that happened. Again, the story just kind of expects you to believe it.

Rainbow Dash slowly escorts Pinkie Pie to a hospital, so slowly in fact that they wake up the entire city as she screams in pain and agony! Nopony thinks to help the pregnant woman to get to professionals to help her with giving birth! As many sisters as Pinkie Pie has with new ones being reconed into her life (Looking at you, Maud), I sincerely doubt that she knows much about giving birth. But who knows? Maybe she helped out Mrs. Cake when she was pregnant. Sure would have been nice for the story to make that clear.

"AAAHHHHH" Pinkie screamed, "please get it out of me!' Pinkie said crying.

It’s not an ‘it’, Pinkie Pie! It’s your fucking child! Show some ‘mother’ fucking love! Heh, I’m witty.

And our Best Pony Rainbow Dash takes her to the one place where Pinkie Pie can get the help she needs in bringing a child into the world…

Twilight’s House!


One light that came on was from a tree house, out of it came Twilight Sparkle. "Rainbow Dash, what's going on?" she said still almost asleep. "Pinkie's having the foal!" She yelled. "AAHHHH!" Pinkie let out another scream. "Dashie it's coming right now, we have to do it here." She screamed. Her convulsions had become very violent. Dash and Twilight helped her into the house. As they got inside they heard a voice call to them from the stairs. "Twilight, what's going on?" asked Spike, he said as he walked down the stairs to see them laying Pinkie Pie onto the couch.

So, yeah, Twilight, who must have read a book somewhere about childbirth, helps Pinkie Pie give birth to her child.

After a bit of resting, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash wonder what their child’s name is going to be. Didn’t give much thought to this before hand, did you two? You had a few months! But a character named Red Dawn gives them the name, Angel Cake. Red Dawn happens to be Twilight’s husband.

Whoa, story! Whoa! You already gave us the fact that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are in a relationship with no build up to that, and now you’re giving us Twilight having a husband with no build up. There better be some fucking good explanations to this!

And I hope you are all ready not to care for Mr. Twilight’s husband, because by the time this story ends, you’ll know as much about him then as you do now.


The Cutie Mark Crusaders come a few days later to see the new foal. And we finally find out what the story was written for. It was written so that the author could write the word ‘teat’ as much as he wants. Don’t believe me, take a look how many times he uses the fucking word!


Pinkie was now showing major signs of her pregnancy. Her belly had at lease doubled in size and her teats had become swollen.

"Oh coarse," Pinkie said pulling Angel Cake off her teat. Angel Cake began to cry.

"That's right, drink up." Trixie said as she brought Angel Cake to her teat. Angel Cake began to suckle. Trixie felt great, her dream had come true.

Ahh Snail, Snip there you are, do you have my supplies?" "Yep," they both said in unison. They were both eyeing her swollen teats.

Yeah, I think the story just found out what it was and wanted to use it without it being the word penis or vagina. That’s the only explanation I can come up with!

Anyway, Pinkie Pie gets a call from Twilight… Let me repeat that… Pinkie Pie gets a phone call from Twilight. A PHONE CALL?!

The phone rang and Pinkie walked over to answer it. "Hello, oh hi Twilight."

So, let’s explain why this pisses me off, shall we?! It’s not the fact that there is a technological device that has never been seen in the show! I would be willing to accept this piece of technology being in this story, if it weren’t for one major problem!

If they had phones to begin with, WHY DIDN’T RAINBOW DASH USE IT TO CALL A HOSPITAL WHEN PINKIE WAS GOING INTO LABOR?! You risk your wife and unborn daughter, walking in the middle of the street with her screaming at the top of her lungs, when you could have called paramedics to have them meet you somewhere or get them to your home quickly!

My only guess is that the story wanted Twilight to be the one who gives birth to the kid! Fine! But have it fucking make sense! Have Twilight be there when it happened, rather than Rainbow Dash just happening to show up?! Have her call the paramedics, but they won’t get there in time to help deliver the child! That way, Twilight has to do it!

In other words, make your characters act intelligently!


Oh, and another that pisses me off about the phone conversation is the phone conversation itself!


"Hello, oh hi Twilight." "Hi, Pinkie Red Dawn and I are throwing a party and we would really like it if you came." "Oh geez, we would love to come but we can't leave Angel Cake." Pinkie said back. "Can't you find a sitter?" Twilight said back. "Not on such short notice."

NEW PARAGRAPH AFTER EACH CHARACTER SPEAKS! You have no idea who much it pisses me off when people don’t do that!

Anyways, yeah, Red Dawn and Twilight are throwing a party and Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are invited. Funny, I always thought Pinkie Pie was the party thrower, but I guess being a mother kind of mellowed her out. Pinkie isn’t sure they can go since they don’t have a sitter on such short notice. And the kid is only a few days old, so there’s that.

However, the Cutie Mark Crusaders say they can take care of her. And of course, being the intelligent characters that don’t remember what a phone is, agree to let the Crusaders take care of the 3 day old child!


Why do I have a feeling this is going to end with the kid covered in tree sap?

The Crusaders try to take care of the kid by… having her suck on Applebloom’s teat? Ew… she’s only like … 10! You sick… sick… fuck!

Unbeknownst to them, Trixie is watching the Crusaders take care of the new foal, but is jealous that the child is not sucking on her teat… I mean…

]quote]Trixie suddenly rushed into the room and made her way to the couch were Angel Cake was sleeping. She quickly snatched her up and ran out there door. She ran into an alley and brought Angel Cake to her chest. She had been preparing for this and had started to produce milk. Angel Cake began to drink. She had no idea that the milk she was drinking was not the milk of her mother..

Oh… Never mind I guess that is what I meant…

Also, isn’t it funny that the word ‘teat’ was used earlier in the story and yet ‘chest’ is used now? For those of you who don’t know, ‘teat’ is where milk comes out of from a horse. They are located between the rear legs. Not on the chest. But what else is located on the ‘chest’ of our characters in most fan works?

Starting to get where this is going?

My guess is that the word ‘boobs’ was a part of this story before some comments at the bottom said that ‘horses don’t have those.’ My guess is that the story didn’t bother researching what those were and just decided to find and replace the two words without changing the story as a whole, thus the inconsistent placement of the baby.

Mind you, I am just guessing at this point and I have no real evidence to support that.

So, the party goes on for about 4 hours and the parents don’t bother to call to see if the child is okay. They just trust that the Cutie Mark Crusaders haven’t ran her over with a truck or something. Or maybe you know… kidnapped!


Anyway, the group arrives back at the house where they discover that the Cutie Marks Babysitters are knocked out and that the child is gone. Yes apparently the Crusaders were knocked out by this point. The story sure didn’t make that clear.

The group searches for any clue to the missing foal and end up finding a missing piece of contrivances that allow them to know the identity of the kidnapper and thus get this story rolling.

"Look what I found," Red Dawn said picking up a torn piece of fabric in his mouth. It was purple with shiny white stars. "You don't think so, do you?" Rarity said looking at Twilight. "There's no one else it could be." "That bitch stole our foal!" Rainbow Dash screamed,

Okay, I have several question, the first one of course being how the hell did Trixie leave behind evidence of her being there?! How did she leave a piece of fabric behind?! There was no struggle between the Crusaders and Trixie! Trixie had cast a spell that knocked out the Crusaders before they had a chance to do anything!

She didn’t rip it on anything! And if she did, the story didn’t make that clear! And even if she did, why would she just leave the material around for someone find and make her the target of an investigation?! Was it the baby who tore it?! Again, really doesn’t make that clear! And even if it was, the kid is fucking a few days old! How did she find the strength to tear fabric without Trixie noticing?!

UGH! Anyway, the group gathers some torches and pitchforks to skewer Trixie. I’d love to skewer a few more things too.

Meanwhile, Snips and Snails have been gathering supplies for Trixie. What supplies they are gather is never told. I assume baby stuff, but the story likes to keep its audience in the dark about things. Especially things that might make the story enjoyable. Snips and Snails want to rape Trixie as a reward for their service, but a unicorn by the name of Abyss is not a fan of that and attacks them

Seriously, Snips and Snails are pretty fucked up in this. Especially since it is confirmed that they are in fact children. What they plan next is even more fucked up…

"Fine genius, what's your brilliant idea?" Snails said back. Snips thought about it for a second, "I got it, let's go back and take Trixie foal, then we'll see what she does to get her back."

Yes… they want to kidnap a child that was just kidnapped… Ugh, this story is stupid…

So, Abyss tells Trixie that Nightmare Moon is going to be resurrected soon (Because of course she is. I think that’s the sure sign of bad fan fiction writing.) and that they need the child to use as a vessel. Trixie, despite wanting more than anything a child as her own and was the whole motivation for kidnapping her, is pretty damn okay with selling this child’s soul to appease a goddess. Sure got over her whole motive pretty damn quick. So quick in fact that Abyss takes her into the bedroom and see how quick she can really be.

Meanwhile, Snips and Snails get their plan together and start to enter Trixie’s trailer, only to find it rocking. Snips asks Snails to keep an eye on them while he kidnaps the child. And here’s where I start to see that ‘boob’ theory from earlier.

In the back off the trailer, Snails was looking through the window into the bedroom. "He saw Abyss working away at Trixie, as he thrusted into her, he saw her breast bounce up and down." He was in a total awe with what he saw.

So, did Snails actually describe what he was seeing to Snips? If not, why is there a quotation mark there? Wouldn’t it be funny if Abyss caught them because Snails couldn’t shut up about what he saw?

Abyss: Any last words before I take your heads!


Snips: None from me…

Abyss: And you?

Snails: How did you catch us so quickly?! I only shouted to Snips to come watch you two fucking!

Snips and Snails kidnap the baby and Trixie and Abyss discover that the child is missing. And then changes the subject by Abyss telling her about his sexual orgy that she offers to clean up.

"Oh yeah I'm really sorry but I kinda came right on floor," He said with a weak smile. Trixie just sighed. " I'll get the Oxy Clean she said walking toward the closet.

Um… not to try and step on this incredibly unfunny moment, but wasn’t there a fucking baby that went missing a few minutes ago?! Jesus, she really didn’t care about that baby, didn’t she? I’m so glad the motivation of our main villain was pretty much pointless by the end of it.

Snips and Snails end up running into Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, mistaking them for rescuing the useless nothing. Diamond Tiara is so impressed with Beavis and Butthead that she invites them into her home to have sex with her.

Youtube Video

We finally cut back to the main six where they discover that Big Mac, who is Fluttershy’s wife… I guess… Way to ease us into that… discover that Big Mac was actually rapped by Trixie. … And there is no reaction to this from the group whatsoever. Why is rape something that isn’t that serious in stories like this?!

This scene has no purpose other than to show us that. Way to show us you have class, story. Way to show us you have class.

Anyway, after a little bit of sex between Snips and Snails and our two leading bully ladies (or so I assume, the story doesn’t actually show anything. Thank god.) Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon kick them out for ignoring the baby.

Meanwhile, the main six continue to search for the plot device, but not before Rarity and Applejack make a few more jokes about their asses. I would say that the story was trying too hard, but that would imply that there was any effort to be found in this pile.

Applejack and Rarity get trapped in a mudpit and get devoured by it, presumably dead. Fluttershy cries for about three seconds before the characters move on. The plot has no idea what it wants to be at this point and is just throwing scenes in, hoping that by some Celestia-given miracle, it all comes together.

Meanwhile, Abyss and Trixie find Snips and Snails and force them to take them to the plot device.

And it’s at this point that I have to point out how bad the pacing is for this story. I know a lot is happening at the moment, but that’s because each scene only lasts up to a few sentences. Most of them barely reaching a paragraph. The story is so badly rushed, that I’m honestly having a hard time caring about anything that is happening in the story, because it barely focuses on anything enough to establish anything.

Rarity wakes up down the river. I thought she sank into a mudhole, but the story was too busy sniffing it’s own farts to notice or remember. She finds Applejack but thinks that she’s a bitch and leaves her to die. I’m glad the story is not being disrespectful to other characters while it eats its burritos from Taco Bell.

Applejack wakes up and finds Rarity up the road where she is starting to freeze to death… From… summer weather? And warms her with her body… Again, classy.

Back in Ponyville, the Crusaders get a psychic vision that Rarity is in trouble. Again, the story never tells us where it comes from, but just expects us to buy it.

They go to Sugarcube Corner to try out some new cupcakes and it’s at this point that I hope they end up as snacks for the other patrons! Because I will take unintentional hilarity over intentional failure that tries to be hilarious.

Anyway, Rarity wakes up and accuses Applejack of rape. Even though they only ‘cuddled according to the story…

Rarity awoke with sweat on her brow. She knew the temperature was below freezing but for some reason she couldn't have felt warmer. She looked to her right and saw the farm pony wrapped around her body. Atop them was a once wet blanket that was now totally dry.

She felt for a pulse, she was still breathing, but she knew that she was going into shock. She was trying desperately trying to heat her up. She looked in the bags for a blanket but only found wet ones. She pulled Rarity close to her and cuddled her close.

Though the story does say that Applejack preformed carpet licking… Way to show off your intellect, story. I’m sure your penis is the only thing that is proud of you. Now, tell him to shut up before I cut him.

They find the trailer where Abyss and Trixie were staying, but don’t find them or the baby. But forget about that, let’s pork!

Get out of the way, My Immortal, I’m trying to read My Angel Cake.

… Oh, this is Angel Cake?

How awkward…

We cut to Twilight who writes this long letter to Princess Celestia detailing everything that has happened in the story thus far. And I mean… everything… Also, Princess Celestia is apparently married… Calling it! Grand Ruler is finally the ruler of Equestria and is going to enslave us all!


You know, I just noticed something… this story is actually 11000 words long. If you cut out every single sex scene and there are about 4 per chapter, the story is actually only 3000 words long. So, this story between kidnapping this child for Trixie’s motherly urges, Abyss’s need to sacrifice the child to an evil god, Rarity and Applejack confessing their love for each other after they nearly die, they are all trying to find space in a four inch closet while the overly bloated sex scene sits in front of the closet like a massive mound of mulch. Unwilling to let you see any glimpse of the story until you give it the regulation amount of attention.

Back with the baby plot, (Oh, yeah, that fucking happened) the child ends up at Cheerilee’s front door so that it can suck on her boobs as well.

Hey, if the story can’t be consistent, why should I?

And now, I’ve finally figure out what this story is. This story is trying to be like all those sex fics that get into the feature box without the slightest hint of talent because it’s basically porn. This story saw that and said “Hey, I can do that too and get incredibly popular!”

Wrote this story with a bunch of sex scenes in it, only to get a thumbs down shoved up it’s butt. So it’s at this point where the reviewers start saying things like ‘Get a proofreader’ or ‘When is the plot going to get rolling. (No, not that one.)’ or ‘First’. The story looked at these valid criticism and said ‘I know how to fix this! Add even more sex scenes!’

So, back with the plot, Abyss tells Snips and Snails to get the baby back from Diamond Tiara, not realizing that the baby is with Cheerilee. Well, it doesn’t take long for Diamond Tiara to tell them where the plot device is, not even seeing Abyss pointing a gun at the two colts to make them do what he wants. Lord, I wish that was a joke.

They go to Cheerilee’s house, where they capture her, tie her to a chair and put a trip mine under her. Just roll with it guys. Just fucking roll with it for now.

So, Snips and Snails go for help to save the plot device from becoming an even bigger plot device. They end up running into Twilight Sparkle and funny enough, have no idea who she is.

"AHHH," They both screamed. "Wait you're that mare we saw in the Playcolt," Snips said they backed up and got a look at Twilight.

Also, she’s on the seventh edition of Playcolt magazine.

How do you know what edition she is in? The story does not say.

… Well… duh… Because, I am a review… journalist… I do research… of course!

They end up finding Cheerilee and Twilight manages to cast a spell to switch places with Cheerilee just as the bomb goes off. And I’ll give this story this much… even though this is a horribly rushed, horribly written, horribly executed moment… That was pretty bad ass of Twilight. She not only managed to conjure a spell that saved Cheerilee, but managed to save herself at the last second with a force field around herself.

However, she is hurt by the explosion and needs to be rushed to the hospital.

They take Twilight to the hospital where they discover that Twilight is actually pregnant. Oh, good, just what we need another plot device that sucks on pony’s tits.

So, Twilight ends up writing a letter to Celestia, and once again, the letter explains every little detail that has transpired throughout the course of it.

Just to give you an idea of how incredibly rushed this story is, the last chapter must resolve the kidnapping the baby plot, the build up to Nightmare Moon’s resurrection, Rarity and Applejack’s romance, Snips and Snails punishment for kidnapping, Trixie’s and Abyss’s punishment for kidnapping and attempted murder, and Twilight being pregnant. All in one chapter.

With only 2000 words.

Here we go…

So, they take the plot device to the Castle of the Two Sisters where they plan to resurrect Nightmare Moon, where Abyss pulls out this special moonstone that is only now being introduced to the story. Kind of late in the game to be introducing something that important, but who gives a shit.

Twilight is pretty giddy as the group marches along to save a baby from being sacrificed to an evil goddess. You know, Twilight, I know you are happy about being a mother, but could you at least WAIT until your friend’s baby is safe?!


In fact the other characters seem to notice Twilight’s happiness and are pretty pissed off about it considering the situation.

"Why are you doing this to us?" Pinkie yelled. "What did I do?" Twilight retorted, unsure of what Pinkie was talking about. "You know what I mean, how come you get to have a foal, when ours is gone." Pinkie said starting to cry. Twilight was vexed with anger as well as sympathy. She should have known better than to try and get her pregnancy past Pinkie.

Also, the story has pretty much turned into a giant wall of text at this point, so I’m having a really hard time making out whatever the story is trying to tell us. But since the story doesn’t care, I don’t care either.

They arrive at the castle where they get in a battle against Abyss to save the plot device. During the battle, Red Dawn is killed by Abyss.

Oh, no. That character who barely said anything, barely did anything, barely had anything to do with the plot and the relationship between him and Twilight only amounted to sex is dead now. How sad…

So, they defeat Abyss, everything the story built up is just kind of ‘meh’, and the story just kind of stops. It doesn’t end. It stops. Nothing is resolved and it just kind of ends without really resolving anything.

Guys, this is the definition of just not trying.

There is not an ounce of effort that went into this story. Not a one. The plot had no effort. The characters had no effort. The sex had no effort. Nothing in this story had effort in it at all. So, what was the point?

This whole story was amazingly pointless. There was no reason for this story to be written. No reason at all. I know you all expect me to be angry at this, but… I just can’t be asked. Just like the author could not be asked to try with this story, I cannot be asked to be angry with this.

Overall, this is a very, very boring fic.

You know that feeling when a friend wanting to stuff a porcupine up your butthole and at first you agree with it, but after the first prick touches your butt, you start having second thoughts. “Yeah, I don’t think I want to go through with this!”

“Sorry!” He shouts. “Can’t hear you! I’m shoving a porcupine up your butthole!”

That’s kind of what reading this felt like.

This feels like it was a pet project for the author and the author alone. It hardly has anything that an audience would enjoy and seems to have plot points and characters that only the author it would seem would care about.

This feels like the story just read My Immortal, saw how popularly bad that was and said “I can write like that! That’s super easy”. When actually it takes a special kind of person to actually write something like that. And I’m going to be honest, I like My Immortal! There’s something cathartic about watching someone butcher their career as a future writer and have absolutely no idea that that is exactly what they are doing. Claiming it to be their magnum opus.

My Immortal is like a little retarded child, who puts her pants on backwards and puts her panties over her pants. She doesn’t mean to cause any harm and is really trying her best. And because of that, I can’t stay mad at it.

This story feels like Eric Cartman in that episode of South Park where he pretends to be a retarded child so he can win the special olympics. Only to find out that he’s an out of shape idiot. But unlike Eric, this story doesn’t know what the word ‘ironic’ is.

But that’s okay, because the author doesn’t care about this story and by the end of this review, neither will I.

Shepherd of Fire

Wow! That was some of the best adventures I’ve ever had! Don’t you think so, Computer?

[page_break]

Sir, must I read from the script word per word?

Yes, you must! Now shut up and say your lines!

So, you want me to shut up and say my lines?

Just fucking do it!

*Huff* Yes… What wonderful adventures we had. You saved the universe hundreds of times over with your amazing skills.

Worst actress ever… I mean… Of course, I did! I am the most amazing pony in the universe!

And the sex you gave was the best. All of the sex was. In fact… Seriously, sir, you are going to make me say this? You are not fooling anyone.

Just say the damn line!


In fact, you are so good at it, that Rarity should be lining up to suck on your cock.

Damn right she should.

Hi, everyone. I am the Critique. You might be wondering what happened to me last week. Well-

He got lazy and decided not to do a review last week.

SHUT UP! I mean… No… my dear Computer. Clearly my sex is so amazing, I fucked with her memory. No. I was in an alternate dimension where I picked up today’s story. It turns out that this story is actually that world’s reality. … And I feel really sorry for that world, because this story is pickled cock!


Shepherd of Fire

I know this will be the third story that is obxiously bad in a row, but I’m just in such a horrible mood after not reviewing for a week that I need something that’s doubly awful!

And that’s what this story is and the description of the story is a perfect place to start this review.

Sometime in the distant future, on an impossible day, the Void; linked within the Space-Time Continuum is opening from another point in time creating a paradox in the process.

Aaaand, we are already in deep shit.

Look at the first sentence! According to that semicolon, that first part is supposedly an independent clause! It’s not even close to independent! If it were, it would have some kind of a verb! Something that the Void is doing! It’s just saying that ‘Sometime in the future, the Void.” That’s not a complete sentence!

Use a semicolon to connect to independent clauses together!

Oh, and get used to seeing that stupid punctuation because it appears quite frequently.

As Equestria is at the risk of being erased, their only hope lies within the heart of a stallion Earth Pony; Star Blade. Now he must stand side by side with his closest friends, the Mane Six, as Equestria's past, present, and future depends on it.

Star Blade! A surprisingly less stupid name than Stargazer! Though not by much!

While Equestria's future is in his hooves, his own future lies hidden within in a great power held secret for a long time by Princess Celestia.

Oh… this is going to be some much needed therapy. In fact it’s going to be so therapeutic, that I might actually want to see a therapist when I’m done.

Our story begins with an introduction to Star’s character.

My name is Star Blade, I'm an Earth Pony from Ponyville. I may not look like much, wearing a leather jacket and rusty old watch, but I am full of action and adventure, and the cutie mark shows it.

The Cutie Mark being! … … Um… This?

Yeah, I have no fucking idea what his Cutie Mark is supposed to look like. We are actually not given anything that would suggest what it would look like. So, how are we supposed to know that it is ‘full of action and adventure’?! Full of shit is more like it!

Besides being adventurous, I also had an interest in studying the stars, their constellations, and a lot of their meanings. I may seem like a regular pony, and I thought so too, but as time went on I started being involved in things I never thought possible.

I started my adventurous journey with roleplaying BDSM! I found I was very fond of the submissive role!

And today is the day where all of that has brought me... where it's all been leading me to.

Based on the rating system, about 1 like for every 10 dislike.

As for the rest of the story, why don’t you fill in the blanks since we’ve read these stories together a hundred times?

I’m an OC named {u]Walnut Breaker (ridiculous name). I’m friends with the mushy (adjective) six. And I’m the only one who can do (verb) the Mario. (noun)

Our story begins properly with a flashback of 2 days before the important stuff happens. And I’d like you to keep a tally of all the times there will be a flashback in this story.

Flashback count: 1

This one shows us that Walnut is discovering some kind of supercomputer.

What?!

Not you, sit down!


And this supercomputer shows all the possible timelines of Equestria. So, the TARDIS then.

The story then introduces us to Pinkie Pie. She’s the pink one if that helps. The one I always bash on.

Pinkie Pie, an Earth Pony, and the most cheerful of the Mane 6. She is a very good friend to all the citizens of Ponyville. Any time there was a celebration, holiday, or birthday, Pinkie was there to make a fantastic party, hoping that they leave with a smile on their face. She is also very random at times, which ends up with everypony laughing with her, leaving her as the harnesser to the Element of Laughter.

Now, a lot of writers bash on this description of characters within the show. And I don’t mind it, because it could possibly allow new readers to see the character. However, my issue is when you TELL us rather than SHOW us! Though I guess the story does attempt to show us in the next flashback.

Flashback count: 2

Apparently four months ago, Pinkie Pie baked a cake for Walnut. Though it’s extremely short and doesn’t seem to present all the qualities of her character. She gives him a cake and claims it was a lucky guess. Where’s the randomness? Where’s the friend to all citizens of Ponyville?! If we were just introduced to the character in this story as an original character, I wouldn’t believe anything this character is supposed to be because she hasn’t acted like it! Just saying your character is this way doesn’t make us believe it!


I could claim that I’m the nicest pony in the world, but until I start NOT kicking cute and cuddly animals for laughs, nopony will believe me! And I’ll kick anypony who says otherwise!


We then cut to the introduction of Applejack where it mentions that she has a family and she is the Element of Honesty… And not much else. Look, I know Applejack is the least interesting of the main six, but could you as least try?! Look how you made Applejack feel.

And now she’s gonna break your kneecaps.

And to add insult to injury, during that same flashback, that feels like it has to indicate a one even though the timeline hasn’t gone anywhere.

Flashback count: 3

Applejack, another Earth Pony, and the most hardworking of the Mane 6. She is in charge of the farm nearby Ponyville with her family members, Big Macintosh, Applebloom, and Granny Smith. I learned from her that being honest gets you in the least amount of trouble, and it turns out… it’s true… because she harnesses the Element of Honesty.

FLASHBACK – 4 Months before the Present Day

"Look at him go!" Applejack said as she and her family watched me help with getting the apples... my way…

Yes, it has a flashback to the present to tell about Applejack, only to flashback to the same fucking point! Do you realize how pointless this is?! Why don’t you just introduce them all in one flashback?!

Anyway, like I said about insult to injury, Walnut seems to be really, really good at farming apples for the Apple Family. So much so that Applejack just sits on her ass all day sniffing her own farts while he does all the work. Only to come up to him with tears in her eyes saying

:ajsleepy: Oh, thank you, your majesty! I could have never have bucked all those apples myself! Even though my family has done this for a least 2 or more generations! Might I suck on your walnuts as a reward for being my hero?!


Oh, you sick fucks! I was talking about these walnuts!

Pervs!


We move on to the introduction of our next character on the Wheel of Main Six, Fluttershy. And guess what? We get a flashback months ago stating what wonderful thing Walnut did for Fluttershy.

Fluttershy, a very calm, sensitive, yet helpful Pegasus. Unlike any of the other Pegasus kind, she spent most of her time on the land instead of Cloudsdale. She’s always willing to help a lot of the woodland creatures in need, almost like a park ranger, which explains so much why she harnesses the Element of Kindness.

FLASHBACK - 3 Months before the Present Day

I was running for Fluttershy's house. She rang the bell at her house as loud as she could, which meant that an animal was hurt and she needed help.

Flashback count: 4

Turns out Angel was hurt. Gee, I wonder how that happened…

And Fluttershy has no medication for him, so what does she do? She feeds him to a hungry dog!

"You came to the right pony! Come here Copper!" I said as I called my dog; Copper

Walnut: I’ll put him out of his misery.

:yay: Oh, thank you! You are the most wonderful pony in the universe! Can I touch your wiener?

DOG! She meant dog! Of course she did! Not every joke I do has to be a sexual one!

And, our hero mentions a new invention he is working on that will of course make him super-special-awesome!


"Ah not a problem. Anyway, I gotta get going. I still have to continue working on the mechanical wings prototype." I said as I gave Copper a treat.

Wait, I thought Angel was the treat. Well, I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat all of your carrots. Not much meat on you.

We then get to Rarity and it seems like the author couldn’t find a lot of nice things to say about Rarity. I noticed Pinkie Pie got all the attention thus far with a lot of her personality at least being defined.

Sure, he failed to show us it, but at least it put in some effort.

Rarity, a unicorn that happens to be very good at making dresses. While she enjoys making dresses, she also loves to find jewels that she can collect and use for her dresses. She tends to complain at some times, but don’t let that fool you, as she harnesses the Element of Generosity.

This just feels like the author doesn’t like the character and just kind of throws it together hoping that nopony who is a fan would noticed! Well, I did notice, thank you very much! And Applejack isn’t even my favorite!


And as typical in these situations, Rarity makes an awesome suit that makes Walnut look incredibly dashing, handsome, radiant, hot, sexy, and other words that these authors use in these situations. I could sum up every single OC/Rarity scene with three words. SUIT! HOT! FUCKME!


Oh and it takes place in a flashback. Because of course it does.

Flashback count: 5

And then we meet Rainbow Dash who is put on a pedestal and praised like the goddess above as he rubs his face into chest. Don’t believe me, why not look at this sentence?

Rainbow Dash, a Pegasus from Cloudsdale and the closet friend of mine from the Mane 6. She has a lot of potential when it comes to activities such as racing, flying, etc. She’s never appreciated losing to ANYTHING… While she has an attitude at times, she always is willing to help anypony when told, as she harnesses the Element of Loyalty.

… Playing a bit of favoritism, are we?

OH, SHUT UP! WHO ASKED YOU?!


And our characters have a moment by…

WHOOAH! INCOMING!!!" yelled Rainbow Dash as she was falling, with her wings tied up.

"Don't worry, I got you!" I said after catching Rainbow Dash.

Wait, what?

"Why is it you get the wings here and not me?" asked Rainbow Dash with a bit of an attitude.

"Well that's a way to thank someone. Oh and to answer your question, these mechanical wings are the reason I'm up here teaching you, and making sure you don't fall to your doom." I said after she asked the question.

Wait, huh? What?!

"You don't need to worry about me. If I'm ever falling like that, I'll know how to handle myself." said Rainbow Dash as she got back on her hooves.

"I hope you're right, because I may not be there to save you one day." I said as I landed.

We were both silent for a moment, until Rainbow Dash said, "Thanks..."

What, what the fuck?

I looked towards her as I said, "I'm sorry?

"Thanks... for saving me back there. I know I was a bit of a jerk back there. But you're right, I should be thankful for you saving me." said Rainbow Dash with a smile.

"That's what I like to hear. You know what's best, even if you don't want it to happen at times." I said, also with a smile. "Anyway, lesson's now over. How about a race to Ponyville?" I said as I prepared my wings.

Okay… Stop…. Just … just stop… Okay.

Okay… Where do I fucking begin? Hmm?

This is probably the worst of all the scenes that we’ve seen so far! First off, what the fuck was with that opening?! Rainbow Dash, one of the best fliers in all of Equestria, somehow gets her wings tied? What fucking context is there?! There is not one single shred of evidence that shows Rainbow Dash being in some kind of trouble or how she got there!


Was this some kind of bondage game gone horribly wrong?! I thought Walnut was into the submissive, not the dominant!


Second, what the fuck was that line about ‘How come you get the wings?” from Rainbow Dash?! Did you not notice the two fucking limbs growing out of your fucking back?! Or were those just for decoration in case you needed to hide your face in embarrassment because you’re a fucking twat?!

Third, what the fuck are you trying to teach her?! How to fly when her wings are tied up and she’s falling to her death?! And she only fails if she goes ker-splat?! I think the Rainbow Factory should hire you! It’d save them from some awkward questions! You could just say ‘Hey, she didn’t learn to fly while she was a crippled. Not my problem.”

Fourth, what the fuck was with the completely forced as fuck lesson at the end?! She should be grateful you forced her into a situation where she was completely helpless and you would only save her if she opened her wings for you?! Well, I’m glad you're not my spouse! You’d probably shave my balls off because the apple pie wasn’t up to snuff!

Just add a fucking count to the flashback counter and let’s move on to hopefully something less stupid.

Flashback count: 6

And finally the Princess. She doesn’t get a name in this. She’s so unimportant to this author, she might as well just be her title. Princess.

Flashback count: 7

We then cut back to 2 days before present day with this line...

And here they were… my own friends, holding me down, in hopes of preventing me from knowing a fact far worse than any other disaster… my own future… and yet they never even knew what it was yet…

My story is going to be panned by everyone because … seriously, do I really need to go into much detail?

We finally flash forward to present day and we are finally done with the flashbacks in this story! … Oh, sorry? Did I say story? I meant, CHAPTER FUCKING ONE!

Seriously, I hesitate to even like one flashback per chapter! And this story uses 7 of them in the same fucking chapter! And they barely establish anything that couldn’t have been established in a straight timeline! These flashbacks reveal nothing, give us nothing, teach us nothing, and just serve to waste our time introducing the characters that haven’t changed from where they were four months ago! So what was the fucking point?!

Walnut asks Rainbow Dash and the other characters- I guess they get to be there; they should feel honored- about some prophecy about the void opening and how it’s messing with the space time continuum and only he can….

Zzz

zzz

zzz

zzz

Whoa! Sorry everyone! That explanation was so good that it lulled me to sleep.

After waking up from my nap, Walnut and Rainbow Dash head to the castle of Canterlot.

"Good morning, Princess Celestia. It’s very good to see you." said Twilight, making her introduction to Princess Celestia.

"Hello Princess Twilight Sparkle. It’s good to see you too." said Princess Celestia, returning the favor.

"Twilight, good to see you!" said Prince Shining Armor as he gave Twilight a hug.

"Good to see you too!" said Twilight, doing the same. "Cadence, I can see that you are doing well." said Twilight, to Princess Cadence.

"Indeed I am doing well." said Princess Cadence, replying to Twilight.

Good morning, Twilight.

:twilightsmile: Good morning, Critique.

Good morning, Applejack.

:ajsmug: Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Twilight.

:twilightsheepish: Yes, good morning… So, there’s something important we need to…

:yay: Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Applejack. Good morning, Twilight.

Good morning, Fluttershy.

:ajsmug: Good morning, Fluttershy.

:twilightsheepish: Yes, we’ve said that three times… Now, it’s really important that we…

:raritystarry: Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Fluttershy, Good morning, Applejack. Good morning, Twi-

:twilightangry2: WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!


We then flashback to

Flashback count: 8

a time when Discord attacked Walnut and tried to kill him. Well, I finally have a reason to root for Discord, since he’s about the only character who reflects the desires of the audience. Celestia claims that Discord is attacking him because of spoilers.

It turns out that Walnut knows what happens in Game of Thrones and all the characters who died and Discord is really cross about it.

Celestia takes Walnut and his friends to a dungeon beneath the castle where she wants Walnut to stick her hoof down her hole…

IN THE WALL! Come on, people! Just because I set them up, doesn’t mean you have to think like that!

Carefully, I placed my hoof into the hole, as a bright light shined through. I took my hoof out, and the hole closed. Just seconds after, we all saw something rise from the center of the vault. It was a cylinder platform that had what looked like a chest on top. Celestia then placed the chest off the platform and on the ground.

So, it unlocks a super-special-awesome place that only Walnut can unlock and it gives them the seventh Element of Harmony.

"This is an Element of Harmony, the Element that started it all…" said Celestia as she took out the crown.

"WHAT?!" said the Mane Six with surprised looks on their faces.

"This is the Element... of Leadership." said Celestia.

Okay, story, let me go get my boot! Apparently, you didn’t learn your lesson the first time I kicked you!

First off, why does there need to be a seventh Element of Harmony?! Don’t we have enough of those running around?! And if there is, how were Discord and Nightmare Moon defeated? Or was their attempt at using the Elements of Harmony so feeble, that they gave up out of pity?!

Second, ‘Element of Leadership’? At least when other stories use the seventh Element bullshit, it at least makes some semblance of sense. Using virtues that people can apply to their everyday lives. Hope, love, sacrifice, tolerance, etc. Leadership? What does that do for you? Make you shout orders better?! And what happens when Discord makes you do the opposite? You just do what everyone tell you and lack authority?!


Discord, you take his leadership! I’ll order him to jump off a cliff! He’s an earth pony; he won’t survive.

So, Celestia explains that the Element of Whatever-I-want is more powerful than all the Elements of Harmony put together, because we wouldn’t want me to be invested in this character, now would we? Instead of the other characters that I’ve grown attached to by seeing their flaws and character.

She explains that Walnut must use the Element of Leadership to defeat Discord once and for all. But Walnut isn’t sure he has what it takes.

"How should I trust you that I must do this?" I asked. "I'm just a regular Earth Pony with nothing special in particular at all."

There is no middle finger in the universe big enough for this job!

We then cut forward four months, apparently the thing with Discord just kind of solved itself. Kind of strange really. Considering that Discord was on the side of the Main Six after Princess became an alicorn princess, but what do I know?

At this point, a meeting is going on between Celestia, Shining Armor and Walnut. Walnut apparently knows everything about what is going to happen on what is called the Day of Descension. How he knows this when this has never happened before is anyone’s guess.

Actually, he discovers it in a prophecy that no one else bothered to read. There’s a metaphor here, somewhere…

And it reads that only the Element of Leadership and its bearer can stop the Day of Descension from destroying all of time and space. But fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, they know the exact time, date, and location that the fucking void is going to rip apart the world. The void must have sent them a ETA from fucking Facebook.

The group leaves to battle the void and Celestia says a line from Doctor Who.

He is a very close friend of mine… the only problem is that I know more about him now... yet he barely knows me at all" said Celestia as we were out of sight from the meeting room.

So, I guess Celestia is now playing the role of River Song and Walnut is now a doctor. Kind of unoriginal, but let’s see how this story runs with it. I’m going to take a guess, however, judging by the rest of the story. Not good.

We then flashback to eight months ago-

Flashback count: 9

where Luna discovers this character who is named the Shepherd of Fire. A Shepherd, I hope, brings all the fires of hell to this world and burns it to a crispe. I’ll get my video camera.

Apparently, this Shepherd is some kind of time traveler who knew Celestia and Luna before, but has somehow lost his memory and that he will hurt Celestia and Luna in someway that he can’t remember…

Oh, fuck it! I’m not even sure what the hell is going on anymore! I gave up about halfway through chapter one. See? This is what happens when you involve time-travel in a story that has no idea what the fuck it’s doing! I try to put the timeline together and it just confuses me! It’s like the story wanted to do a time travel story, but forgot to build a solid timeline first!

Anyway, we flash forward to another flashback

Flackback count: 10

We go to two days ago where we discover that Walnut is actually Rainbow Dash’s father. Which is kind of bullshit since we clearly see Rainbow Dash’s father in one of the episodes prior to season 4, but whatever… Nobody cares about that and just wants to see what other stupid things this story can come up with.

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Walnut explains to the Main Six about what is going to happen on the Day of Descension.

During the Day of Descension, in days, the domain of the Divided delivers denizens devising dastardly dilemmas destroying dates departed and destined. While dutifully, dashing daredevils dive dauntlessly to defend the day.

Damn it, disregard the dunce!

Done with alliteration.

After that, the void finally arrives and Walnut sings the song of the Divider.

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Yes, I’m a Disturbed fan. Deal with it!

Anyway, while the void starts to suck away all life in this world, not that the story hasn’t done a good job of that already, Walnut claims that only one pony can jump into the void and save the world. Which comes as a surprise to our heroes, even though the prophecy pretty much stated that one pony has to die within it.

"Star Blade please… you can’t leave us, not like this… we’re your friends, and friends always stick together till the end." said Twilight, crying almost endlessly.

But after a couple minutes, Princess got over him.

Silence… nopony spoke, not even a single sound was heard but the gateway to the ancient realm still opened, until I heard those words from Twilight that I would never forget before I left,

"I forgive you."

I forgive you for selflessly sacrificing yourself and dying a horrible death so that the rest of us can live. … Bitch…

We then get a flashback

Flackback counter: Unable to give a fuck.

Oh, great! You broke the flashback counter! Good job, story!

So the flashback shows us Walnut before he met the main six, showing us his lifestyle, how he came to be, the struggles he had to endure, the family and friends he lost in his journey of self-discovery before -

Nah, I’m just kidding. It shows him instantly befriending the Main Six.

Also, and I just noticed, this… the story switches to Princess’s point of view. It has never done that throughout the entire story. In fact, it confused the hell out of me to the point where I had to read it several times because I thought there was two Walnuts running around.

"My name? It's Star Blade, best parkour athlete in Equestria!" said the stallion, striking a pose.

"You do parkour? That usually takes a lot of time to learn?" I said.

"That is true, to most ponies. Me however, it's just as simple as watching for a long time and it comes right to you." said Star Blade.

Pfft, but of course. Just like flying comes naturally to Rainbow Dash, to the point where she never has to do anything in order to achieve difficult flying feats. Like the Sonic Rainboom. She just does it on her first try…

I’m sorry, at what point was I supposed to like this character again?

Suddenly, Luna disappears and a Royal Guard shows up to ask the Main Six for help. Oh no! What happened to Luna? Was she kidnapped by the Nightmare Forces? The Griffins to be turned into a sex slave? Pinkie Pie to be cut into cupcakes?

TWILIGHT - PRESENT TIME – 9:35 PM – 8 hours and 20 minutes after the closing of the Void

"Twilight? What’s wrong!" asked Princess Celestia as I walked into the castle.

"Princess Celestia! I'm so sorry!" I said, bursting into tears. "It's Star Blade... he..."

Oh… Enough of that plot point then.

Princess and the others go to Princess Celestia to find out what happened to Walnut. Princess drinks the potion from Zecora that allowed her to see into the past and she sees that the author has completely retconned every single scene that she saw before by putting Walnut talking to the characters, for no fucking reason!

This is probably the laziest form of changing the past to fit in your character I’ve ever seen!

When Princess comes back, she realizes that Celestia has just made up this whole story about Walnut and is planning on taking it to her publisher after Princess reads it.

"Oh my gosh, I didn't think that Star Blade would be awesome enough to have his own book! Not only that, it's history! said Rainbow Dash, before she gasped in realization. "Which means... I'm learning... I really am an egghead aren't I?"

No… I’m not kidding… You’re really reading this…

Princess agrees to take the book and proofread it. Only to discover that Celestia had accidentally written one of the worst fan fictions I have ever read.

This story sucks!

For a story that boasts about time and space with a grand adventure, this is the complete opposite of those!

The time and space thing is only told in flashbacks, not that it even counts since they are thrown together so poorly and frequently, that’s it's hard to keep track of what is going on! Not to mention that the flashbacks have no point to them to begin with. This story could have honestly been told in chronological order and really, nothing would have changed! Most of them are just to introduce a character anyway, with very little build up!


Most of the plot points in this are pretty much glimpsed over and completely forgotten! The Discord going rouge?! Yeah, where the hell did that go?! Luna disappearing? Yeah, what became of that?! She clearly comes back later in the story! So where the hell, was she? Was she just taking a shower and nopony knew before it was too late?!


These plot points could have been used to develop the character of Walnut, who I will get to in a minute, but the story doesn’t bother with that. It rather would ignore those things and hope that the audience tries to focus on the Void plot that the story keeps building up. Which frankly isn’t done that well either.

The Void thing is pretty much glanced over for all the build up it had! For 4 chapters, we build up this Void as this big, terrible, powerful thing that is going to change the shape of Equestria for all eternity, even if they do stop it! And what happens? A single pony dies! … Whoopity fucking do da!


Way to raise the stakes to the fucking limit!


This should have been the big climatic exit to how much build up it had, but it felt like the story had advertised this great comedian and all he did was fart into the microphone, give us the finger and walk off.

It wasn’t satisfying at all!

And then there is the character. The OC in this story is just awful! He’s bland, underdeveloped and has no chemistry with the Main Six, despite supposedly being best friends with them. The character himself has no personality and only serves to be a character that is so desperate for audience attention that he makes the other members of the Main Six more pathetic to make himself awesome by comparison!

That’s not good character building! You make your character good, despite the Main Six, by bringing something new to the table, that they don’t possess! Not making weaker or more pathetic so that you can look better!

Overall, this story is a mess! With no ambition, no goals, and no endgame. It’s just there. And it completely shows. The author didn’t care about this when he wrote it and I don’t care about it now, even after reading it.

Have a good day guys. Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a turkey leg with my name on it!

Their Hearth's Warming


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… … … What?

You could at least try to be a little festive.

Look, I’m not the festive type of pony!

We will see about that next month.

Speaking of which, hello everypony, I am the Critique.

You are probably all wondering why we have that music playing. Well, I’m making a personal sacrifice after last year. I agreed that if I indulge Computer for her favorite holiday, then she will indulge me during my favorite holiday.

You know your favorite holiday is not a real holiday, yes?

Shut up!


So, in keeping with the spirit of this holiday, I am going to review some … fitting fics. And to start off the season, let’s take a look at Their Hearth’s Warming by ThunderChaserCreate

I don’t really have a lot to say about this holiday that shouldn’t surprise you. It’s based off friendship. Something I despise. And getting along with people, no matter how stupid they are. Also, something I hate. So, this is not my favorite holiday. But in keeping with the spirit of things, I guess I have to give this fic a fair review. So, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s begin…

Our story begins with some descriptions about the cold air and the snow before we get started. Setting up the scene for what is about to happen.

The snow fell softly, the tiny flurries fluttering down through the air to rest gently on anything still enough. The cold air froze our noses and ears, turning them odd colors as we moved through the snowfall. Adults trotted quickly, huddled in coats with their muzzles tucked into scarves.

Because snow is not at all in the least bit beautiful and no adult can possibly enjoy it.

During this time, Pinkie Pie hides to throw snowballs at unsuspecting ponies. Kind of a dick move really. I mean, I could understand if she was in a snowball fight with a group of kids or something, but it just says passersby.

Pinkie Pie, of course, took mostly the same approach as the fillies. She had spent nearly the whole storm tucked away in an ally, hurling snowballs at unsuspecting (yet thrilled) passing foals.

Wait… what is that?

the whole storm tucked away in an ally

the whole storm tucked away in an ally

ally

UNACCEPTABLE! 0 out of 10! Review over!


Oh, like you have never made a typo before.

That’s because I’m perfect.

One of the characters, that is referred to the first person asks for Pinkie to stop throwing snowballs at children. Turns out that the character talking and narrating the story is actually Twilight.

"Why should I? Winter is the most splenderifically funtastic time of year! It's cold and fun outside, and warm and yummy inside! I mean, really, what's better than this?" she explained, dragging her tongue through the snow on the top of a carriage.

And then she got a splinter in her tongue. Happy Hearth’s Warming!

I smiled inwardly. She was right. Who doesn't love a good snowfall?

According to a couple paragraphs ago, the adults.

It turns out that Twilight needs Pinkie’s help picking out a tree to put up for her first Hearth’s Warming as Princess. And Spike feels that since it is such a special occasion, they should have a large tree to celebrate. I take it, like my niece, he never saw the Charlie Brown Special.

Pinkie gets distracted by a pony dressed as the Spirit of Friendship, who apparently is a large stag from this description.

Pinkie bounced excitedly at the back of the line, waiting impatiently as several other little fillies thanked the kind stallion for the candy. In return, the stallion bowed his head, touching the shoulders of the foals with his fake antlers and fluttering his large, white wings.

Ah, so the new OC alicorns have antlers instead of horns. It would at least be different.

Twilight, despite being the Princess of Friendship, says that she doesn’t believe in the Spirit of Friendship, but Pinkie says that he’s as real as they are. I mean, if he was a magical deity that could alter reality on a whim or a demon fog with eyes and fixation for crystals, that’d be one thing. But the Spirit of Friendship? Well, that’s just crazy.

The two manage to get to a place to buy trees only to find that Applebloom and Big Mac are actually running a stand to sell trees. Funny, I didn’t know that Applejack’s family was investing in pines. Actually, the two are standing in for the pony who normally sells the trees. My guess is they get a percentage of the profits.

Pinkie manages to find the perfect tree for Twilight and after some debating, and by debating I mean, Pinkie Pie did this…

Twilight gives in and agrees to purchase the tree. However, after hearing the price tag to be fifty bits, I guess the guy who owns the trees doesn’t like business that much, she starts to have second thoughts.

Applebloom quickly intervenes and says that the price is a misprint and that it’s only five bits. Twilight is suspicious at first. Rightfully so, since the descriptions of the tree says that it will barely fit in Twilight’s tree. Don’t take that out of context.

But Applebloom ends up convincing her that the price is right and Twilight makes her purchase.

Pinkie and Twilight manage to get the tree home, but all throughout the journey, Twilight can’t shake the feeling that something was odd with Applebloom.

Hey, Pinkie? Did you think Applebloom was acting... weird?" I finally brought up the odd subject.

No more weird then that time she tried to make a pony buy apples that she didn’t put into her bag.

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Pfft, sure you didn’t.

Pinkie Pie claims she didn’t see anything strange, but that’s the kind of airheadedness I kind of expect from her. But she also claims that the Apples always act weird this time of year. Twilight isn’t exactly sure what to make of it, but Pinkie explains that every time winter comes around, the Apples start to act strange.

Twilight manages to get the tree into place and Pinkie wants to invite the others to help decorate the tree.

"Ooh! We can make pretty invitations with candy canes inside, and we can make like a GALLON of cocoa and we can stay up all night and have a Secret Spirit!" she rambled, bounding about the room.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Well, they're like these red and white sticks that--" she started to explain.

You shove up your cooch… No, seriously. Someone thought that was a good idea for a story.

It turns out that a Secret Spirit is like a Secret Santa most humans perform. Everypony gets a random name and they have to buy a gift for that specific pony. It’s usually done around work places or with groups of friends.

Before Twilight can really agree to it, Pinkie gets overly excited and rushes off to gather everypony else to Twilight’s tree house. The group gathers around as Pinkie promotes the idea. Twilight is the first to draw and the name on the card shows ‘Applejack’.

10 bucks says she gets Applejack an apple based gift.

:ajbemused: Oh, look an ‘Apple’ Iphone. Hilarious.

The rest of the group continues to pick names out of the hat, while Twilight takes Applejack aside to ask her what is going on with her. Applejack explains that she’s fine, but Twilight isn’t buying it, much like she didn’t when Twilight wanted to go to the zoo.

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Before Twilight can push Applejack more to hopefully get some answers, a knock at the door arrives. Twilight answers it and it turns out to be Big Mac and Applebloom. Apparently, they tell Applejack something, but we aren’t told what yet. This causes Applejack and her siblings to leave, with our group worried about them.

So far this story has been pretty good, but I do have to mention this scene. I realize it does set up some really good intrigue, but … I don’t know it feels kind of rushed to me. There isn’t a lot of content between the bits where they draw names and then Applebloom and Big Mac arrive.

It’s not bad, because the story is moving, but it’s not really taking it’s time with it, like I feel it should. Maybe letting the story slow down a bit would have helped and having the characters have a little bit of fun and enjoyment, showing us that, and then having this harsh reality come down on them.

But that’s just my opinion on the matter.

Anyway, the next morning Fluttershy bursts into Twilight’s house to talk to her about Applejack. She says that the Apple family has gone bankrupt this holiday season. Hey, I only did that once! This is not my fault!


The rest of the group (excluding Applejack) then follows slowly afterwards explaining the same thing. Twilight’s annoyance mirroring my own, so points there. They explain that they have no money for decorations or trees or anything a traditional holiday family would have and believe that they need to do something.

Not really… but I’ll get to that later.

Twilight thinks it’s a bad idea to put into the Apple’s problems without being invited or being told what their problems are. And I want to bring up something that I’ve been called out on. Remember how, in the past, I’ve said that Applejack’s pride shouldn’t be a problem thanks to the Applebucking episode. Well, another example was brought to my attention in the episode introducing the Flim-Flam brothers.

The Apple Family was content with dealing with them on their own… until things started going bad for them.

The point is, much like Fluttershy not being able to deal with her fear permanently, Applejack struggles with her pride frequently. It’s not something that’s just going to go away and it’s something that’s going to stick with the character probably for the rest of her days.

In this story, this seems like something Applejack, scratch it, the whole Apple Family would do. Not ask for money from strangers or charity from others, because they depend on themselves to provide. Because they come from a line of ponies that didn’t ask for much help to begin with.

Anyway, back to the story, Twilight and the gang realize that they need to help Applejack and her family, but they aren’t sure how yet. Twilight says they need time to prepare a plan.

A couple days pass and we still don’t quite know what their plan is. Twilight holds her little get-together at the library where most of the characters that matter are invited. Let’s see we have… Applebloom and the other Crusaders. Fluttershy is there, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Applejack, even Big Mac and Angel Bunny make an appearance… Is there anyone missing? Anyone at all?

No… I can’t think of anyone either…

Anyway, Twilight tries to force the holiday spirit onto the Apple Family, but they don’t seem to be much in the mood. I’ve got to admit, this is both really odd for Twilight and really in character for her. It kind of reminds me of the ‘Look Before You Sleep’ episode, where Twilight is really trying to force a sleepover, even though she knows it’s a disaster.

It’s kind of a nice little nod there, intentional or not.

When that doesn’t work, she goes to Fluttershy in the hopes that she has a better idea. Fluttershy, unfortunately, doesn’t have any ideas either and it looks like Twilight isn’t going to have any gift for Applejack and her family for Hearth’s Warming.

Just get her what I get everyone…

What? It fits your character. It’s a book!

So, what’s the best thing you can do to get someone into the holiday spirit?

Fluttershy and I agreed that you aren't having enough fun," I told them both, "So we're going to have a snowball fight."

Pelting them in the face with snowballs when they are not interested in such! I think some pony’s taking some bad lessons from Pinkie Pie.

So, the group goes outside to prepare a snowball fight with each other and surprise, the Apple’s actually start to have a good time. Which is more than I can say for me… This is probably the weakest point of the story so far. The snowball fight is pretty much glanced over. I mean, I know it’s probably not important to know who hit who, but this could have been drawn out a lot more than it did.

The snowball fight is over in just a few sentences. It would have been more interesting to see Applejack and the other members of the Apple family a bit more reluctant to play. You can still keep the end result, with them smiling and laughing and having a good time, but I would have liked some build up to that moment. In fact, this is the first paragraph of the snowball fight.

I crouched behind a short wall of snow, a stack of freezing snowballs under my stomach. I could feel the top one clinging to my fur as each of the two teams whispered to each other about strategy in tense excitement. Even Applejack and her brother were grinning now, preparing to unleash a storm of frozen fury upon the other ponies.

The scene could seriously end as soon as it begins since the goal of the scene is already achieved by the end of the first paragraph. There is literally no reason for the scene to continue now. It almost feels kind of cheated. How many ponies do you know that are like ‘bah humbug’, but then after a second, they are all ‘Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!’ It takes a little bit of denial, and time to get them to open up to the idea of having fun.

This should have built on that, but it didn’t and this whole thing feels unbelievably rushed.

The group goes back inside and we get this strange conversation between Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Twilight about the snowball fight without even mentioning Applejack or the rest of the Apple Family. Did they just go home or something?

I guess they realized their plot was wrapped up so… Might as well.

And then, even odder, Pinkie Pie outright tells Twilight what Applejack wants for Hearth’s Warming, instead of Twilight getting into a discussion with her. In fact, for all this story tries to focus on Applejack, it has very little of Applejack in it.

Even in fan fics that focus on Applejack, Applejack isn’t even liked! Wonder what she’d do if she found that out?

Cruel? Yes. Funny? Oh, yes!

Just … come on, story! What is wrong, man? You were performing so well. Why? Why are you making such amateurish mistakes?! You started strong… The middle is just so weak here. I hate to say it, but the story is honestly starting to lose me. All you have to do to change my mind is end strong… Please tell me you at least do that!

Anyway, Twilight wonders what to do about Applejack’s wish list, but figures that it’s too late in the night to do anything about it, so she decides to sleep on it and hope for ideas.

Twilight wakes up the next morning and sees a trio of presents underneath her tree. A spell that can change the colors of her coat, a pair of fake antlers and… a sled… For Applebloom. All that she ever wanted.

… *Sniff*...

Sir, are you alright?

I-I’m fine… I’m fine…

So, Twilight… dresses up as the Santa Clause… I mean, the Spirit of Friendship… and takes her tree from her home and gives it to the Apple Family. She makes her way to Applebloom’s window, below her delivering the sled and tree with her magic. And the Apple’s have a happy Hearth’s Warming because Applebloom got her sled, but a few days later the bank had foreclosed their home and they were forced to eat the farm animals to stay alive. But at least, Applebloom got her sled.

Alright, alright, that last part didn’t actually happen.

But, you probably all guessed it by now…

This fic is… okay…

It’s not good, it’s not really bad. It’s just… okay.

This story has some serious issues at the last half of the story that make it difficult for me to enjoy. The writing tends to have too much talking head syndrome sometimes. Several scenes are rushed out, like the author didn’t have enough time to dedicate to it before posting it, and probably the biggest offense of all, for a story like this, is Applejack.

This story needed to focus more on Applejack, since this is the focus of the story to begin with. And while she does have a few lines and does a few things in the first half of the story, the second half focuses more on the rest of the main six, instead of who is should be focused on.

Now, I’m not saying that you have to change the point of view from Twilight to Applejack. You can still keep Twilight as the narrator of the story. Keeping it from her point of view. But Twilight needs to interact with Applejack more. She needed to interact with Applejack a lot more. She needed to interact with her more when she wasn’t enjoying the party. She needed to interact with her more after the snowball fight. She needed Applejack to be the one to tell her what she wants for Hearth’s Warming.

Wouldn’t have that had more of an impact? Where Applejack confesses that she can’t give Applebloom what she wants for Hearth’s Warming, because they can’t afford it? Tears rushing down her eyes as Twilight offers to help, but Applejack’s pride won’t allow her to take Twilight’s money for something she is responsible for? Seeing the sense of failure in Applejack’s eyes at her inability to keep her promise to her little sister, who she has been forced to become a mother to?

That would have been more heartbreaking. I wish I could have seen that in this story. But no. We get Pinkie Pie telling us about it, rather than showing us it.

But for the flaws this story has, despite them being glaring, there are some things that I did enjoy. Like I said, I like the setup in the first half of the story. While there were a couple moments that felt rushed, the setup was good in the beginning with the Apples acting strange and not wanting to lose Twilight’s business is really interesting. I really wish the story had done more with that, it built a good mystery.

And the characters themselves are actually pretty good. Admittedly, you don’t get to see too much of Rainbow Dash or Rarity, Fluttershy, or unfortunately, Applejack. But Twilight was actually written well. Which was a rare moment for me. And Pinkie Pie. This was probably the best written Pinkie Pie I have seen since xjuggernautx’s Easy as Pie that I reviewed almost 2 years ago.

That is a long time without a good Pinkie Pie.

However, these things… for me… aren’t not enough. The strong beginning doesn’t justify the weak ending that we have. The lack of Applejack hurts this story for me because it doesn’t ever feel like the focus is ever truly on her. It always feels like it’s trying to throw in someone else into the story. Trying to give attention to the other main six, because the story is afraid that Applejack can’t carry the story by herself.

I really tried to like this one… I really, really tried… But… for all the good I found in it… I can’t overlook the things that I felt … just were not as strong as I felt they could have been for the build up in the first half.

I have to give it a thumbs down. Not because it’s a bad fic, but because it feels incomplete. If this story had a few more days to work out some of the fine details and polish a few things, I would have had no problem giving it a thumbs up.

If you enjoy the story, there is plenty to enjoy and I completely understand why you do. My opinion should not ruin something that you enjoy.

But for me, I just left a tad disappointed… Not angry, but disappointed.

Anyway, that’s it for this week. You may now send me your hate mail at ‘[email protected].

Until then, have a good day guys.

Merry Hearth's Warming, Luna


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Oh, Mr. Groban… The things I would let you do to me.

… Are you done, fangirl?


You are simply jealous because you were not born with the voice of an angel.

Pfft, I could sing like that if I want to. … I just don’t want to.

That is the same excuse you give for not raising the sun every morning.

Well, I could, if Celestia gave me a chance.

And taking over Equestria?

Obviously, I could do that to.

And being a successful writer?

Shut up!


Hello, everyone. I am the Critique. It’s Hearth’s Warming time still!

The holiday that everypony loves. Celestia loves it, Computer loves it, Discord enjoys it, every pony seems to enjoy the festivities of giving to one another through the magic of friendship. Hell, even Luna finds a way to make the holidays work for her. And what better way to show that then in Merry Hearth’s Warming Luna by Foals Errand

Why spend more time on this holiday than I want to with an overly long introduction, let’s take a look at it.

Our story starts with Luna waking up from a long nap. Well, at least the story wasn’t rude and slept to us walking in.

There it hung in the sky; her gorgeous white orb drooping against the red and yellow dawn. Luna had always slept during the day,

Well, that explains this scene…

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And bronies wondered why she never appeared in anything before that.

Luna prepares for the day, since she is trying to transition from a nocturnal creature to a creature of daylight. A transition that is proving difficult for her. However, she claims that she and Tia are closer than ever.

Not to mention that she actually gets to appear in more than just a quick cameo in the season 2 finale.

After shaking the water all over her bathroom, Luna beamed at herself in the mirror. Much better. Now that I’m clean, I’ll go and join Tia for breakfast before lowering the moon.

Yes, Luna, let’s tell ourselves what we’re going to do and then do it.

Luna goes down to breakfast while passing a few of the guards. Luna questions the purpose of her guards, since they are completely invulnerable.

Luna wanted to roll her eyes at the displays. She had heard Celestia’s reasoning for this several times over, but in Luna’s mind it boiled down to one thing: These mortals felt that her sister and herself were vulnerable.

Clearly it’s impossible to defeat Luna and Celestia in any situation. I mean, look at this scene where Celestia is clearly able to outdo her opponent.

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Clearly Celestia is a master strategist.

She wondered idly how the guards would react if they were ever to see Celestia in battle. The thought made her snort back a giggle with a delicate sniff before she opened the door and stepped inside.

They would probably get their asses kicked by an entity that feeds off love and her little minions. But that could never happen. Also, this story only takes place after the episode ‘Hearth’s Warming Eve.’ Chrysalis hasn’t technically happened yet. Which still makes her disappearing act in the finale a tad off, but whatever.

Celestia explains that her guards are preparing their Hearth’s Warming tree in the other room and has invited Luna to hang up decorations with her. At first, Luna is enthralled with the idea. But then Luna hears the word ‘gift’ and she starts to panic. Ugh, another one of these ‘I forgot your gift’ stories. Yawn.

Okay, okay, these types of stories can be good, but honestly they’ve been done to death. They need to add something new in order to get much from me. Hopefully, this story can fulfill that promise.

After Celestia leaves, not without trying to persuade her sister to join the festivities, Luna follows her to see why Celestia is all about the holiday.

While Luna is spying on Celestia, we get this brief scene…

The guards nodded to each other and the tree stopped moving. They bowed their heads to Celestia, who grinned. “Oh come now! For just today can we not be equals? After all, Hearth Warming celebrates the three tribes coming together in friendship! Does it not?”

One unicorn glanced at the other who shrugged,  before both of them removed their helmets, dismissing the enchantment upon them which revealed them to be two mares. One of a lemon yellow coat with a sky blue mane, and the other a dark blue with a silver mane. “As you wish, your highness.”

Celestia took the helmets in her magic, setting them aside. “I take it that calling me Celestia is out of the question?” She chuckled at the horrified looks she received and shook her head. “I thought so. After all, I can’t even get Twilight Sparkle to call me Celestia. Well, the tree is up, but there is still much to be done!”

I’m trying to find something wrong with this scene… Not because I think that the story is bad… at this point, but because I don’t believe the writers can capture Celestia’s personality. After all the stories I’ve read where she’s either an idiot or a sex tool, can you really blame me?

First, Pinkie Pie is written well and now Celestia? Truly, it is a Hearth’s Warming miracle!

Don’t get too used to those!

And then we … um… cut to Celestia’s point of view… with no indication of doing so? What?!

Luna watched, still safely hidden, as several boxes were discerned. Celestia opened the first one, revealing a green plant of some kind. It was a circle with what seemed to be small balls growing within it. So engrossed in this new plant was she that she failed to notice Celestia approach her hiding spot until it was too late.

Celestia hung up the wreath and smiled down at Luna who was her normal self once more. She had hoped Luna would follow to sate her own curiosity. Perhaps she could even entice her into helping. How best to do it though? Luna is still so nervous around other ponies. Think, Celestia! Think! Ah yes! Slowly she backed away seeing Luna’s attention on the boxes.

So, wait, is this story taking place from Luna’s point of view or Celestia’s? I know it’s third person, so there’s probably no rule that technically says you can’t do this, but it sure would make things easier if you did! I honestly got lost during this scene because I thought that Luna had snapped and talking about herself in the first person, but it's actually Celestia.

If you’re going to jump perspective in a third person story, fine. But could you at least give us a heads up?

Also, there is no other point in the story that it jumps from Luna to Celestia and then back to Luna again. It is just there to serve this one line. Could we not find another way of doing this without jumping heads? Describing Celestia’s face as Luna looks into her eyes. Like windows into her brain that is pumping a new idea into the white alicorn’s head.

Celestia spots Luna and asks her to help with the decorations. Luna helps rigging up the lights and helps hang up wreaths. How much fun can we have decorating the place?

You would not know, you have never done it.

And I don’t plan to.

After decorating, Celestia … somehow, convinces Luna to dress up as Rudolph with Celestia as Santa Clause.

Celestia opened her mouth to correct Luna but shook her head with a smile. “Say Luna? Would you be willing to do something silly with me?”

Luna cocked her head. She wasn’t certain what this ‘silly’ meant but if it was something Celestia wanted to do, it couldn’t be so bad. “Of course, ‘Tia. We would be overjoyed to perform this silly with thee.”




“We take it back, we art not overjoyed to do this silly!” Luna frowned, putting a hoof to her chin as the picture was taken. Celestia had convinced her to put on fake antlers and a red nose. While Celestia herself had tied on a white beard and placed a red stocking hat on her head. It had white fluff around the brim and a ball of white fluff at the very top.

Pfft… Okay, I admit… That was pretty funny.

And I hope you enjoyed that scene, because that’s all we get of it. I would say it was rushed, but it had to be there to be rushed first.

Luna spends the whole day trying to decide what the best gift would be to get her sister, but doesn’t manage to come up with anything. Except in a young girl’s dream… That we never see or even mentioned until this point, so…. here you go.

Luna goes down to their private quarters to spend Hearth’s Warming with Celestia. Luna says that she wants Celestia to be happy and thus that’s why she’s spending the holidays with her. Celestia is happy to be with her and hopes that she can enjoy the festivities as well.

*Ahem*

… I think this is supposed to mean something to me, but I don’t care enough to say it.

Celestia’s gift to Luna is actually a journal that Luna had been keeping before she became Nightmare Moon. Apparently, because I guess Celestia cares about her sister and wants her to have the best life she can have. Pfft, what a fucking loser!

Luna gives Tia the photo they took from earlier, only with a few additional arts and crafts touch.

Yeah, unfortunately I wasn’t able to find the modified image, but just imagine some seven year old arts and crafts around the project and you’ll get the idea.

And so our story ends with Luna and Celestia spending the season together as sisters.

This story is… average. I guess. But that’s just it… It’s not something left an impact on me.

The reason why I say it’s ‘just okay’ is because there’s not really that much substance to it. It’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but there’s just not a lot in the way of plot. And I’m not saying that every single story has to have a ‘fate of the world’ plot. But at least something would have been better than nothing.

I get the feeling that the story was supposed to focus more on Luna’s gift for Celestia, but it never really followed through on it very well. It just kind of glances over it with a single sentence and never really gives it a chance to develop into something causing intrigue.

The plot is a bit too simple in my opinion and doesn’t provide much suspense or even worry.

In a strange way, it has similar and yet different problems to last week’s review. Their Hearth’s Warming had the problem of not focusing on Applejack, but having an interesting idea for a plot that is never really built up.

This story has the focus properly on Luna and Celestia, but doesn’t have anything besides that. No plot, no intrigue, no dilemma or lesson to be reached by the end. Which makes me wonder what the point of all this was.

So, is there anything good?

Well, a lot of it came from the characters themselves. Luna and Celestia. They are both portrayed very well in this. To the point where you almost don’t notice the lack of plot to begin with.

If someone were to ask me what I think of Celestia and Luna and their relationship as sisters, this is kind of what I think. This is the best portrayal of the two as sisters I’ve read in a long time. I know that’s not exactly saying much because I purposely read bad fics, but trust me when I say, it’s really close to how I think of them in my own stories.

They’re very different, with Luna being more reserved, more out of fear of herself than anything, while Celestia is more outgoing, taking more risks because she’s seen the longer lifespan and lost many. She knows how to live for the moment.

That being said, they are very similar as well. They both want what is best for their ponies and for each other. And it shows when Celestia wants Luna to be more involved and Luna wants to not let her sister down. The two complement each other well as sisters and this story does a good job at showing why.

The strength of the story comes from these two characters, not because of a conflict. With that said, there’s not much to this story without it either. The characters are all it has. And as much as I love the characters, they aren’t interesting if nothing is happening.

It’s like watching home movies about a party where absolutely nothing goes wrong. You only watch them for the memories and while this story is adorable at doing that, as escapist fiction, it doesn’t have much to offer.

It’s funny because I was almost considering giving a thumbs up, despite that. And then I thought about it some more and decided that there wasn’t anything there that I haven’t seen in holiday stories. Now, sometimes that can be just fine, but this seems like the bare minimum of effort went into the story parts of it.

If you are okay with not much substance and just want to see Celestia and Luna be cute, there is that. But for the rest of us, I’d like a little something more.

Have a good day, guys.

One Hearth's Warming Eve


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Why do you not ever take me on a sleigh ride?

Because you are a supercomputer who is attached to the building that can’t get into a sleigh.

I have downloaded myself into your phone.

Yep, sure can’t do those sleigh rides. It’s really too bad.

Seriously, sir, I just did it.

Those sleigh rides are going to be forever out of our reach.

You are not even listening to me anymore, are you?

Poor us. Never get to ride a sleigh in our lives.

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.

Naturally, we reach the final review for the month, as I prepare to go into a hiatus for a couple weeks.

Much to my own dismay.

Yes, we all wish we could drag this holiday out (most of us anyway), but the holiday much eventually come to an end. And while I haven’t seen any particularly good fics this month, this month really hasn’t been that bad.

Granted, the fics I’ve read and reviewed are nothing to write home about, but at least they haven’t made me want to rip out my eyes with an ice cream scoop, so points there.

Let’s see if we continue this trend of slightly below average fics with One Hearth’s Warming Eve by Caisius

I’m not going to spend too much time on this holiday special, because I really want to get to the good stuff I have planned next month. So, let’s get this story started.

We open our story with a pony in the winter wonderland. How original. I’ve think I’ve seen that in almost every Hearth’s Warming story ever made.

Including yours.

Not helping, Computer.

You are the one who wanted me to do more promotion for you.

This pony is apparently a bum since he wanders through the streets of Ponyville looking for food. And the text says that he’s only just arriving in Ponyville? Why would he be traveling into Ponyville from another town?! Or did Canterlot start running the homeless out of town and they are now migrating to Ponyville? Actually, that would make for an interesting story.

He kept on towards the town in front of him – Ponyville, he believed – at a slow walk. He didn't expect much of a change of pace in this town compared to the last. He'd just pass through the town, no pony would recognize or acknowledge him, and he'd find a mildly comfortable place to sleep for the night. Somewhere in there he would have to find food; whether that would be leftovers thrown away from that night's dinner or a "misplaced" loaf of bread just in hoof's reach, he didn't know.

Oh, I get it now! He’s actually heading south for the winter. Should have done that before it started snowing, you idiot!

He starts to remember about who he was before life turned to shit for him. He was apparently a stallion with a family and friends and a good home and a loving wife. But then he got into an affair and his wife kicked him out. Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but this is fan fiction. You could forgive me for assuming. Since all that fan fiction writers seem to do is masterbate.

As he continues to wander through the town, taking in the sights of families enjoying the holiday spirit, he eventually finds his way to a bakery. Give you three guesses which one.

He ends up smelling a gingerbread house… from outside I guess… and peaks through the window to catch Pinkie Pie’s eye. Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie Pie, rushes out to go Tigger on his ass.

The pink mare plopped to the ground and smiled, "Oh, right, sorry! My name's Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"

"Pinkie Pie, huh? My name is... Well, it's Dream Chaser. But you can call me Chase."

Ugh… Another human in Equestria self-insert story? Well, for whatever level of good writing this story had, just went down the drain in one line.

Chase? Dream on, Chase! I’m calling you, That Man.

Pinkie Pie invites That Man inside her home and offers her some cupcakes on this Hearth’s Warming Night. And if most of you are wondering why Pinkie Pie doesn’t throw a party for him, like every other original character I’ve ever seen, there is actually a good explanation. She can’t be asked.

"Oooh! Nice to meet you, Chase! I usually throw parties for new ponies in Ponyville! But you came to Ponyville so late, so I can't throw you a party because the twins are sleeping, but, hey! Why don't you come inside and I can at least serve you some cupcakes? I just finished baking a batch for tomorrow!"

That and she can’t be asked.

A deep growl from Chase's belly answered that question far quicker than his words could. Pinkie giggled once more. "That sounds like a 'Yes!' C'mon in and make yourself comfortable! It's a lot warmer inside."

She wasn't kidding about it being a lot warmer. As soon as Chase stepped into the building, the ice in his mane began to melt away.

It’s almost like a building with a heater, an oven and a mare who continually bakes things in incredibly high temperatures wouldn’t be very cold. I like this character. He’s the only person who’s dumber than me.

So, Pinkie Pie invites That Man into her home and offers him a shower and a hot meal. And then it turns out that That Man is actually a serial killer who bakes her into cupcakes that he then eats for himself. Yes, I’m trying to turn this story into a horror story! Is that so wrong?!

That Man starts to wonder why Pinkie was so inviting to him, even though she knows nothing about him. Normally, I would question the same thing, but it’s Pinkie Pie and Hearth’s Warming and Pinkie Pie during Hearth’s Warming, so I’ll let it slide this time.

After his shower, he travels downstairs to have some cupcakes when Pinkie Pie reenters the room. That Man asks about the place and Pinkie Pie explains that she lives there with Mr. and Mrs. Cake who own the place and the twins.

However, when Pinkie Pie asks for information about him, he decides to become all quiet. However, he does reveal that he walked all the way from Fillydelphia to Ponyville. Wait, what?

The stallion flinched and removed his hoof, "Huh? Oh, I... I'm from Fillydelphia."

"Oooh!" The mare whistled. "That's far away! How'd you get here? Oh, that was a silly question.

You probably took the train!"

Chase sighed and slowly shook his head. "No. No, I didn't take the train, I walked."

"Walked?!" Pinkie gasped, "Why would you walk that far?"

"Because I decided to."

Or that the decision was kind of forced upon you when Fillydelphia started enforcing it’s ‘No Hobos’ law.

That Man decides that he really doesn’t want to tell Pinkie Pie is deep dark secret and it will takes years and years of trust, friendship, magic and just a touch of the holiday spirit to make him forget that in a matter of seconds.

The room grew quiet, an eerie kind of quiet that reminded him of lonely nights wandering the empty fields of Equestria. The only sound to occasionally break the silence was the whistling of the growing storm outside.

Chase sighed and let his hooves drop back to the table. He looked up; Pinkie was staring helplessly down at her side of the table. He shook his head; there was no way he was going to get out of explaining this.

"So, you really want to know?" he asked.

Pinkie's eyes shot up, "I don't wanna force you if you don't want to."

He sighed and dropped his gaze, "I might as well. I've blocked it all off for long enough as is. Maybe it'd do me some good to get it off my chest."

God, you are a terrible date! When you change the subject, fucking change the subject!

Also, I’m glad we could turned the troubled torment of our main character that he has tried so hard to forget and instantly trust this mare who for all he knows is actually an alien trying to suck out his brain. Also, you just made this big deal about it being a secret that is too painful and now after an awkward silence, you want to talk about it?!


You must not have an interesting life!

Turns out That Man did meet a beautiful mare and they were married before too long. However, things went south when he decided to fuck up. To make a long story short, That Man was head of plan to make money for the city of Fillydelphia, building a stadium for the Wonderbolts to perform. However, due to many injuries and purchasing of wrong supplies, which doesn’t make sense to me, but then again, I’m not the one who is an expert in construction politics, he began to wrack the bill up enormously. He is eventually fired for his failure and the job of building a stadium is given to someone else.

His wife leaves him after he loses his job because that stained his resume.

To be fair though, he does call himself ‘Chase’, so that could have done it as well.

He began to be moody and angry at the world and the world angry at him for being such.

Remind you of anypony?

You stay the fuck out of this!


Pinkie Pie, after hearing ‘the saddest story ever’, asks Chase to stay with her and spend Hearth’s Warming with her.

So, we have our party and we have a grand old time! Would you like to see this party?! I’ll be you would, wouldn’t you?! It’s so much fun! I loved it and it changed my perspective on the holidays?! Are you ready?! Here it is!


      

…

…

…

…

What was that line you said before the next scene?

Chase, it's not right for anypony to be abandoned. Especially by those you love. I've had a feeling like that before." Pinkie sat back in her seat across from him and gave him a heartfelt smile, "Stay here for the night, Chase. Tomorrow you'll have more fun than you've ever had. I'll make sure of it!"

… Well, thanks lying to me, Pinkie Pie! I didn’t have any fun! I can see why you didn’t get the Element of Honesty!

Oh, go cry to someone who cares.

Oh, shit! *Bails out*

We cut to him in a hospital. I guess he was so offended by Pinkie Pie’s lie, it literally gave him cancer.

Sir, that was horrible.

It’s the story’s fault! Not mine!


It turns out that the story is actually being told to a nurse who happened to be listening. I guess when you’re a complete dick, you’re only friend is the listening ear who is forced to listen to everything you say. But we all know that’s not true.

He explains that while he wanted a life with Pinkie, he felt that he needed to find true happiness, whatever the fuck that means, and journeys to find that.

Years pass by and That Man’s health starts to decay and slowly he starts to die off. And right before he croaks, Pinkie Pie finally finds him and gives him a soft hug. And then Pinkie Pie fucked him causing her to be arrested for necrophilia.

I’m sorry, that was very low of me. I’m just giving the feature box what it wants. Ponies masterbating to whatever tickles their fancy at the time.

This story… is kind of bland to me…

Now, there are good points about it. The writing is pretty good and the interactions with the characters, Pinkie and Chase, for the most part, are pretty intriguing.

The biggest problem is the character of Chase.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I actually think Chase is a pretty good OC. He’s interesting, he’s flawed, but he does have positive qualities about him. In fact, the story he tells us about how he ends up where he is is rather fascinating.

But you see, that’s where we see the double edged sword. Because his backstory is so interesting, it takes away from the story currently being told. I was actually more invested in the story of him building the stadium, trying to build a budget and the relationship with his ex-wife more than I was his relationship with Pinkie Pie.

Which for a story like this … is not good.

When the story that takes less of our time is more interesting than the story you are trying to tell, it should be obvious that the focus has some problems. I was once given a piece of writing advice that fits this scenario. Is this the most interesting part of our character’s life? If not, why aren’t you showing us that?

This seems like the more interesting parts happen before the story does. Now, I’m not keeping the Hearth’s Warming, but keep more focus on the events prior to this.

Another thing that bothers me is that Chase’s reason for leaving Pinkie Pie didn’t make much sense to me. He says that he thought he wanted to stay with Pinkie Pie, but he actually didn’t. I’m sure this has to do with him not wanting Pinkie Pie to make him happy out of pity, but the story is really bad at explaining that.

Not to mention, that Chase continues to try and be miserable, despite this happy moment long ago. Maybe I’m missing the point, but his desire to be miserable didn’t make much sense to me. And while the ending was cute, I felt that it was just pushed into the story to give us a sappy ending.

And I’m not against sappy endings, but this one kind of felt flat to me.

Also, this story is apparently based off a song that someone had written. And while I haven't heard that song, it hardly matters, because a story should be able to stand on its own merits, not *just* be good if you only heard this piece of music. That's like saying that Batman is only good if you heard Phil Collins' True Colors

There is enough holiday fluff to warm some hearts, but maybe mine is just too cold for this one.

And that’s it for this month. I hope I haven’t ruined the holidays for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to be on hiatus for two weeks to prepare for-

Sir, there is somepony outside our home.

Who?

I have no idea, but there is some kind of slead.

… Hmm. Okay….


***

As Critique opened the front door, a pair of stallions stood out in the winter snow. A carriage connected to their backs. One of the stallion’s gave a smile. “Mr. Copper Coin?”

“Yeah?”

The stallion gave a nod. “One carriage ride across Ponyville for one passenger.”

Critique’s phone buzz as Computer’s voice came from it. Sir, what is this?

“You think I know?!” Critique snapped. “I hate carriage rides!”

The stallion looked at his compatriot with a raised eyebrow. “Well, the invoice we received said-”

“Okay, fine!” Critique quickly interrupted. He marched over to the carriage and hopped on top of it. “I’ll take the carriage ride.”

The stallion gave a shrug. Without a word, the carriage jerked forward. Critique’s face slammed into the front bar, sending pain surging into his skull. “Ouch...”

“Sorry,” the stallion called back. “Didn’t see that pothole!”

Critique grumbled under his breath vulgar words as he rubbed his forehead. Computer seemed to giggle at this comedic moment. Something Critique could only give a pouty face to.

As the carriage slowly traveled around Ponyville, Critique would disinterestedly hold up his phone as Computer gathered the sights of Hearth’s Warming in Ponyville. Shining lights across Ponyville of various reds, blues, greens and yellows as they pass the many homes of the town.

Houses decorated from top to base in lights, images of the famous ponies of the first Hearth’s Warming, a group of ponies singing their carols outside of some ponies home.

Fillies and colts playing in a field of white. Building snowponies, snowmen, snow fortresses and of course, snowballs. The pair caught sight a filly unicorn tossing a snowball, pecking a young colt in the side. The colt chuckled as he bucked another snowball towards the filly. She ran over in a playful scream as the colt unleashed another.

A mare and a stallion walking along the road, shoulder to shoulder. Smiles tattooed to their faces as they converse to each other. They were too far away to be heard, but their smiles told their story well. They were happy. Together.

Computer gave a pleasurable sigh. “Thank you, sir.”

Critique shook his head in shock. She’d been awkwardly quiet since they started their journey. “For what?”

He turned his hoof, turning his phone towards him as if she had turned her head. “Do you really think I am stupid? I know you set this up.”

Critique turned away and his lips moved about wildly, like words wanted to escape his lips, but he kept fighting them back. Finally, he turned to her and spoke. “So… what?”

“Thank you,” Computer responded. Then, a sound of a pair of lips releasing from a cheek came from the speakers as a pair of lips appeared and gave the motion of a kiss.

Seeing this, Critique blushed and turned away, pushing his glasses back up to his face. “Well, don’t get used to it.”

Computer giggled. He didn’t know why. Or maybe he did. He wasn’t sure. The carriage continued to travel throughout Ponyville.The pair taking in the sights as the snow gently began to fall.

***

Hey, guys. Joshua Wayman here. Just letting you guys know that I will not be on for the next couple of weeks as I prepare for Mykanuary. I ended up doing this last year and I really enjoyed it. I’m really excited to do this again. And I’ve got some great fics lined up for next month. Going to be a lot of fun, you’ll get to see my rage in full swing and some really great writing from Mykan.

So, I’m really excited. Thank you guys for joining me for this year. It has been a fun experience and I look forward to doing this for years to come.

Until I see you all again, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or any other holiday, I hope you have a merry one!

Happy Holidays from the Critique and everyone associated with it.

Mykanuary: Should Life Be Cruel or Good?

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YES! YES! YES! OH, YES! I have been waiting an entire year for this month!


Computer, do we have booze?

Yes, sir. We have enough in the basement to shame the royal family.

Good, we’ll need it!

Your liver is going to be completely destroyed by the end of this month.

The price we pay for the greatest month in the history of reviewing.

MYKANUARY!


Ah, Dakari King Mykan! What is about you that makes me want to review your horrible pieces of shit?

Is it because your characters couldn’t be more flat if they were run over by a steamroller?

Is it because your plots more repetitive than the sun rising and setting each and every day?

Is it because you *SO* do not care what anyone thinks of you, that you will literally go to any lengths to offend what little people care about your writing in the first place by talking about things you are very unqualified to talk about?

Yes, yes and more yes!


Nothing like unwinding after a year of harsh reviewing by completely bashing on fics that no one expects to be good, and meets those expectations completely.

The first fic we’re going to review this month is a little story called Should Life be Cruel or Good?

I’ll let you guys contemplate on the stupidity of that title for a second. It’s Mykan trying to be philosophical, but the story completely forgets about that after three seconds.

But before we get into this fic, let me guess why some of you watched the show ‘Digimon’. You probably watched it for the deep, rich romance between certain characters. The way they interacted, showing affection for one another in the deepest and most loving of ways. The ups and downs of their relationship. The struggle. The heartbreak. Prices to be paid and sacrifices to be made for the one you love. That’s why you watched Digimon, right?

NO! Of course not! Nobody fucking did! We watched it to see giant monsters bat each other with sticks until one of them fell over!

If you aren’t familiar with it, Digimon is what I like to call the Anime version of Godzilla. A series which has giant monsters destroy cities together, and then beating each other to death. There was something cathartic about watching kids commanding forces of nature to destroy all they don’t like! Something of a fantasy of mine, really...

But that’s not the reason Mykan watched it. He watched it for an entirely different reason. To make a long story short for those of you who already know and to try to catch up everyone who doesn’t know, there is this twat named Davis, who in the show, for like seven minutes, had a crush on another twat named Kari. But it turns out that Kari might have possibly liked another twat named T.K. And Davis thought they were rivals and…

AHHHH! HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!


Well, I say drama, but the characters bicker about it for three episodes and it’s never brought up again. Giving us no closure to this arc that has little to no impact on the plot whatsoever. To say Davis and Kari had chemistry, is like saying a baseball bat hitting a curveball is techincally a errotic sex scene.

Last year, I reviewed a story that claimed that Davis and Kari were like THE BEST COUPLE EVAR!!!111!!! NO, SERiousL!Y YOU GUyZ! :P

But all I got from it was how Mykan’s own wedding to Davis would have gone if Davis was an actual person. They way he sucks Davis off they might as well be a couple by this point. Or should I say, the way he sucks himself off.

See, Davis is just a name in these types of stories. You might as well replace the name Davis with Mykan. And we, in fact, will. Trust me, you won’t notice a fucking difference.

Our first chapter starts off with Mykan returning home from a busy day at the noodle factory where apparently his noodle got lost because he’s still expecting me to take this story seriously.

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Be ready for more lame jokes, I’ve got a million of them!

37-year-old Davis Motomiya was returning home to his mansion from work. However, he didn't look very happy at all.

Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Motomiya, we couldn’t afford to buy you that seventh private island you wanted for your kid’s birthday. And they say I have first world problems!


His limousine pulled through the front gate, and Ikki the chauffer opens the door for his master.


Davis didn't reply, but gave Ikki his paycheck for the week, and walked inside the mansion.

Isn’t it funny how the chauffeur didn’t say anything and yet Mykan feels that he needed to reply there? Because we know the definition of certain words. Not to mention spelling apparently by the word ‘chauffeur’.

And Ikki? What kind of a name is that?

Oh… I guess Ikki is an actual name… Fine… I’ll let it slide this time…

A 4-year old greeted Davis by coming up to him, and hugging his legs. “Daddy your home!” said Musuko Motomiya.

Oh, now it explains the terrible spelling and grammar, this story was written by the main character’s four year old son!

Mykan asks how pre-school went for the kid, who I’m just calling Moe, and I would have harped on a four year old being in preschool, but according to the research I did, some pre-schools accept children as young as two years old. You know, if I have to let too many things slide, people will think I’m not taking this seriously!

Moe asks his father if something is wrong, but Mykan tells him he’s fine before going to bed early. Telling his servants to take care of his son while he rests. Because that’s what a great father would do with his children! Let the butler take care of him! That worked for Bruce Wayne. didn’t it?!

Before retiring for the night, one of the maids shows Mykan twelve letters that apparently came in one day for him. I’m going to take an educated guess that they are either from Kari, who is apparently so desperate for an answer from Mykan or has so little faith in the Japanese Postal Service that she has to send twelve of the fucking letters!

Or that is hate mail from me cleverly disguised as fan mail from Princess Cadance.

Doesn’t matter either way, he orders them burned and the fireplace cleaned up afterwards. The maid, of course agrees, fearing that she’ll be sent to the moon otherwise. After all, Mykan is the Tri-Horned Unicorn… Whoops. Sorry, wrong story. I sometimes get confused because Mykan wears so many different charactered hats!

As Mykan lies down for the night, he has a flashback about him becoming the Greatest Digi-destined and the most powerful Anti-brony that ever lived as well as the King of Noodles. While the noodles are good, that’s still not an impressive moniker.

Most of the Digidestined retired from Digimon fighting and Mykan opened his noodle cart to a successful business that encompassed the globe, earning him quite a bit of wealth.

It was because of his huge success, that the government of Japan had given him a huge promotion.

It’s funny how Mykan thinks this is how businesses work!

We end our flashback with this sentence that brings us back to the present.

But Davis still did not feel happy about his life…something was missing.

Of course, that’s what I was missing. A river dancing talent!

We then cut to … another flashback?

ANOTHER FLASHBACK…


While Davis was out on his noodle cart journeys, he had learned that his parents had been killed in an explosion in his old apartment.

Goddamnit, didn’t we just have a flashback not a sentence ago?!

Also, parent’s killed off screen? Really? At least, he’s keeping his parent death count high! I would have been extremely disappointed otherwise. Unless, this is just Mykan’s ploy to becoming Batman…

*Shivers* Never show that again!


This hurt him a lot, and to make matters worse, his sister June, had become a doctor, got married, and moved away.

Because she’s a woman and women should never be successful.

Shit… My least favorite part…

You are the one who made the joke.

My stupid… stupid mouth…

Davis had lost his family. His folks were dead, and he didn't know where his sister was at all, so he couldn't call or write…and neither could she.

Oh, no! It’s not like she could have left an address or a phone number to where she was moving to! And even if she did, it’s not like she couldn’t ever visit him. Cause as we all know, Mykan does not have enough money to buy her a fucking plane ticket to wherever she wants to go!

Why is this stupid in my story?!


By the way, thanks for telling us all this in a flashback! There was fucking nothing in this flashback that couldn’t have been told to us in the present day!

And then we get… yet another flashback?!


YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK…


Davis' Friends had all retired from their Digi destined lives and moved on with life…including `her'

I’m starting to think Mykan is purposely fucking with me!

By the way, you just told us a couple of paragraphs ago that the Digi-destined retired! Stop telling us things you just told us!

Mykan is sad because the only girl in the show he liked didn’t end up standing next to him in the photograph taken only a few days ago. No, seriously. I’m not even making that up.

But the very last time he ever saw her face-to-face, she brought her son Hajji , and had her picture taken with her son…by TK's side.


Davis knew he was sunk, he had seen evidence that made him believe that Kari was Married to TK, Davis walked away quietly…he was never seen by them again.

What the hell is wrong with you?! If I stand next to my neighbour’s dog when we have a neighbourhood photo, does that mean I’m technically having sex with the stupid mutt?! I’m not sure who’s sadder in this story, Mykan, for not even bothering to call and completely jumping to conclusions or me for not shoving this thing up my ass. It’d sure be a lot less painful than reading it.

Mykan, as is typical in his self-insert fanfiction, is cursed by being the most attractive man on earth. Women throwing themselves at him, begging him to take them as his own. And yet, Mykan wishes he would trade all the women in the world for the one he really loved. Well, if you don’t want your ‘curse’, Mykan, I think I’ve been the shittiest pony in all existence. I should get your women… I mean, your curse.

He explains how the boy isn’t really his, but is his adopted son, because I’m sure that’s canon and that is how the women stopped chasing him. Because the perfect buzzkill is for women is obviously children.

No wonder he was not happy with his life, Davis was a single father, to a child that was not biologically his own, and women were still chasing him.

What the hell do you mean ‘No wonder he was not happy’ bullshit?! Now, you’re just being fucking petty! Glad to see that adopting a child and giving them a chance at a life with a parent that they never had, since you mention that his parents died shortly after he was born did nothing to raise the level of quality of life in your pathetic little life! Get over Victor and Emily, the Corpse Bride, not get together at the end.

Oh, sorry, got confused as to which story I was reading. After a while, they all sort of mesh together.

Davis walked out to his bedroom balcony, and

Jumped?

looked out into the starry skies as the song started, and he began to sing.

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He sings Nightmare Before Christmas before we get to the next chapter. The song just gives me an excuse not to read it, since the lyrics are just the lyrics of the original song with a few ‘find and replace’ words!

Chapter 2 begins similarly to how Chapter 1 did, except this time from Kari’s point of view.

36-year old Kari Kamiya was driving home. Unlike students, teachers have to stay after school and get some more work done, and not go home until seven.

Because when you read a Mykan story, expect the author to treat like you’re a fucking idiot.

Kari comes home to her son and, just like a good mother, actually spends time with her son, rather than whining and bitching about someone who just won’t get over Beast Boy and Terra, no matter how many years pass-

I’m just kidding, she sings a song about Mykan.

Also, apparently some of the adults have had their brains sucked out of their buttholes by whatever device Mykan uses to suck out the brains of all the canon characters, because they all start teasing Kari for being a single mother trying to raise her child.

Kari's neighbors would often tease her saying things like; “Hey there's that single sighted mom again”, or “Hey miss pink, why don't you add some blue”.

Not enough to just attack women with his misogynistic lifestyle, Mykan needs to please himself by attacking women who only want to provide for their children. Seriously, this is just cruel for the sake of being cruel! There is literally no context for this scene!

Is Kari a bad mother? Does she abandon her kid and not care about him?! Are the neighbour’s justified here?! Or are they just being dicks?!

In the eyes of Mykan, single mothers are apparently second rate parents, who can’t properly provide for their children and should feel bad about themselves. Funny, I know some single mothers with children, and they seem to do pretty fucking well! Women do not need men to be a good mother, you twat!

But of course, it’s all Kari’s fault that she’s never married with a son. Because it’s never a male’s fault in these types of stories.

Kari couldn't blame them; she had put herself in a very discomforting position in her life.

She walked up the steps, and into the house.

Because sexism!

We then get a flashback, oh good, I was starting to think this story would be about Kari and her son, about how TK is a stalking, perverted dick who should totally die with red hot coal stuffed down his throat while a shovel is pronged up his ass. His nipples in clamps that shock him every six seconds, with his eyeballs being pecked out by Biyomon and…

And Mykan just jerked off to that image.

So, how does Kari deal with this ‘scumbag’?

She lies to him by adopting a kid and claiming that she got married and started a family. …

…

…

Remember how I said that Mykan is a bigoted, misogynistic fanatic? Well, I’ll repeat it, in case it wasn’t clear! HE’S A BIGOTED, MISOGYNISTIC FANATIC!

I mean, wow, dude… Just wow… Is this how women solve their problems in your world? Adopt children, not out of love or a desire to truly want another human being in their lives to which they can bestow endless knowledge and love? Compassion and safety? But for selfish purposes?

Wow… I mean… Wow. I have seen some stupid in my day, but… Well, let’s just count the ways, shall we?

1: It’s an insult to women, but I think that goes without saying.

2: It’s an insult to Kari as a character, the character you claim to love so much, that you have to insert yourself into the story in order to get inside her pants. Why the hell would she do something so fucking heartless?

3: It’s an insult to the adopted child themselves. Just being used as a pawn for somebody else’s plan. For god’s sake, this is something Dr. Doom would come up with, not a fucking Digidestined who saved the world with her compassion.

4: It’s an insult to human relations, since how can you love someone you just see as a tool? Not to mention that Kari could have moved away or gotten some kind of restraining order against TK. I’ve done the homework, restraining orders can be made against him, if some evidence was brought before the police of stalking.

5: It’s an insult to society as a whole, because this is how Mykan thinks adults act. These character are supposed to be fucking 35 years old, but they act like they are fucking 17! “I like this girl” TK says. “I don’t like this boy,” Kari says “so I’m going to pretend that this boy and me are steady to keep him away from me!” It plays out more like a bad Twilight story than actual reality!

6: It’s an insult to every parent that has ever truly loved a child, be it their own or otherwise. Mykan does not care about being a parent. Not truly anyway. I think Mykan wants the idea of being a parent, but not the responsibilities that one must accept when taking on the role of parenthood. You see, the evidence is this story.

He uses his children to get what he wants, cares nothing for them, spends no time with them, establishes nothing with them, they are only there to show that he wants a family. He wants a family, but not actually have any responsibilities. He wants a trophy family. Something that looks nice on his wall, but something he doesn’t have to take care of or give any attention to. Just something to show off.

It’s similar to how he views women. He thinks women are just prizes to be displayed so that he can have street cred.

Wow. We’ve insulted women, fans of Kari’s character, children who were adopted, adults who are better than this, people who use common sense to solve their problems, and loving parents or guardians.

Let’s see how many more demographics we can insult while we’re at it!


Kari was going through exactly what Davis was going through now. She achieved her career goal, but her life was falling apart.


Un-loved, and un-wanted, and just like Davis, Kari was unhappy.

You know, unloved… Except for the fucking child that she adopted! Why does Mykan hate children?! Did one spit on his ‘I Love Celestia’ T-shirt and how he’s out for revenge?!

Oh, and just to add to the parent body count that we’ve had, Mykan also murders Kari’s parents in a car crash. Because crippling the poor father was apparently not enough. Want to guess how Kari’s father was crippled in the past story? Car crash!


I think that’s Mykan’s answer to every problem. Some guy you don’t like stealing your girl? Car crash! Need a certain character to walk a girl down the aisle and need the father out of the way? Car crash! Need to kill a girl so that her corpse and you can get married? Car crash! Got a reviewer who keeps nagging you?

Well, obviously, you’d want to discuss this like a gentlemen, talking about the difference in opinion-

Don’t care! Car crash!

Anyway, Kari continues to moop like Bella on depressants, when she turns on the T.V and sees an news report on Mykan.

The reporters all tried to ask Davis numerous questions, but to their surprise he just turned the camera off.

Wait… Did he just turn the reporter’s cameras off? So, now, Mykan has control of the media?! How far does this corruption expand?! Am I in Japan or in fucking Unicornacopia?! Because at this point, I can’t tell the fucking places apart!

So, Kari is sad because Mykan didn’t stand next to her at the photo they took, instead forcing herself to stand next to TK. But Kari writes him letters and leaves him at his locker at school, but Mykan doesn’t read them because they make him sad that he and her aren’t together and then the football team comes and beats the shit out of him, with me in the background laughing.

I may be remembering some of that wrong.

They, and by they, I mean, Kari and Mykan start singing about their loneliness and that’s the only thing I’ll give Mykan. The songs are at least reminding me that I could be doing something better with my time. Like anything else!

The next day, Mykan drives his son to school. I guess he drives his own fucking limo, because the butler got food poisoning or something, but whatever, we’ll roll with it. He gets a letter from Kari’s kid, and takes it, but doesn’t open it. And we get a hilarious line from the story.

“I am the President”, his father answered. “But Presidents have less freedom than anyone, and they don't have any fun either”. Davis picked up his brief case and was out the door.

Tell that to Clinton! He partied it up! Wow, that doesn’t make this review dated!

However, Kari sees Davis at the school and chases after him like something on the Benny Hill show.

The long black car began to pull out of the parking lot, but stopped a t a red light. Kari quickly got into her car, and began to follow the limo just as the light turned green.


The chase was on.

Kari got into her car and pulled out a machine gun. Aiming the sight down to Davis’s car, she held down the trigger. Bullets smashed into the back of the limo, punching at the glass. The glass held, but not without large cracks and impact marks. And bullets still flew.

Davis served down a busy street, narrowly avoiding three vehicles. Horns blared in his ears all around him. People screaming if he was crazy. He paid no attention to them. Turning the wheel to avoid another oncoming vehicle, he looked up to his rear view mirror to see Kari bursting past a garbage can at the side of the road, nearly hitting a civilian crossing the street.

The machine gun thundered in the air as the bullets whizzed past the car in a wild storm. “You will read my letters, dammit!” she screamed as she stuck her head out the window, her hair sticking straight out from every part of her scalp, like she had been electrocuted. Her eyes tiny specks of white surrounded by red hue.

Okay, I got a little carried away there, but admit it, that would be fucking awesome!

No, no… Instead, we get this…

Davis could see Kari's car right behind him, and so could Ikki. He also noticed that there were no other drivers at all.

Wait, so there are no other drivers on the road in the early morning where people need to get to work and take their children to school?! Or is this some lazy contrivance, so that Mykan doesn’t have to write other drivers in the story and how Davis gets around them?!


“Shall I hit her with the oil slick sir?” asked James.. Davis was one of the most famous men in the world, and he needed to be ready for anything.

Who the fuck do you think you are? James fucking Bond?!

And speaking of James Bond, why does your chauffeur suddenly have the name James? Oh, wait, I know why, Mykan is so awesome, that he made one of the most badass spies in all of fiction a fucking chauffeur!

Davis' limousine was armed with awesome defenses Including, Machine guns, Oil slick, Smoke screen, even rocket boosters…he rarely used those.

And by rarely used, he means this is never brought up again. Awesome as that would be!

Davis' features hardened; “You Dare Ikki!” he growled, “If You So Much as lay a finger on Her, I cut you instead of you pay check!”

Heh, it’s funny how Mykan thinks he can take Bond. Also, is your driver named Ikki or James?! Make up your mind and then stick to that!


Also, also, get used to Mykan being a psychotic dick, he gets much worse as the story goes on.

The chase is pretty stupid, since it skips anything that would potentially make it fun for anyone. I’ve pretty much shown you the entire scene that has any importance.

Mykan arrives at his plant where he knows that unless Kari is invited, she won’t be able to get past the front gate. And I’m sure this won’t cost her her job by abandoning her children, because she thought with her vagina.

Mykan tries to take his mind off his penis, when he decides to do the most logical thing...

He decided to do something to take his mind off Kari. “I think I'll donate my money to my favorite charities again”. He said.

Because that’s what all billionaires do!

Also, I love how the story tells us that Mykan donates to charity, instead of actually showing us any evidence of that. To be honest, I don’t buy it. No one that comes of as this much of a dick would ever donate to anything without a hidden agenda.

Now, I omitted this out of the review for effectiveness purposes. You see, remember how I mentioned the chase from earlier? How the story subtly mentioned a brief case? Well, here’s something I wanted to point out that happens during the chase. Mykan directly tells us this…

Now it was Davis' turn to look up in shock… “KARI…OH NO”, like lightning Davis got up and ran out the door so fast that he forgot his brief case. For he had dropped it when he bumped into Kari.

So, now you know that the briefcase in important and that he lost it there instead of right now, when he realized it.

Now, there may be a rule that says this is a perfectly fine way of storytelling, but as far as I’m concerned, this shocking moment that Mykan finds out his briefcase is gone is pretty much spoiled by this stupid line.

A subtle writer would have not mentioned the briefcase until Mykan found out it was missing. But as we’ve come to expect Mykan’s about as subtle as that brick wall I keep slamming my head against.

“MY BREIF CASE!” he shouted out loud. “I must've left it at the preschool…DAMN IT!”

Hey, that’s Jack Bauer’s thing! And I already made that joke!


Davis mainly stashed away in that brief case his check book, his paid bills, the blue prints of the building's design, and his money balances, but there was something else he kept in their that he did not want anyone else to see.

His collection of Playboy mags!

What could it be?

… Wait, does Mykan really not know what is in the briefcase? Is this going to be like Pulp Fiction where we never find out? Or is this Mykan calling us stupid again?

We then cut over to Kari with her returning to her school. She gets called into the office, with the most realistic portrayal of a principal I have ever seen in a story. And believe me, that’s quite a feat.

“MS . KAMIYA, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!” the principal shouted. Kari suddenly remembered that she had left her class unattended for an hour and a half. She was in big trouble now.

There’s no question mark in there, so I’m going to assume that the principal already knew where she was. Maybe she realizes every girl has a crush on Mykan in this world.

The superintendent and the principal goes on a rampage against Kari. Honestly, I have to show you this scene in it’s entirety. It’s pretty damn good…

Ms Kamiya,” said the superintendent. “Of all the teachers I have met, you are the strangest of them all”.


Kari's eyes cast downward, for this was not the first time she had been disrespectful to the school policy.


She had run off leaving her class unattended to, several times in the past, and yet she refused to reveal why she did.


It was because of her long lost feelings for Davis that was causing this to happen, but Kari couldn't tell the two gentlemen that. So instead, she just lied about it every time.


“WELL…” roared the superintendent, Kari remained silent. Inside her mind was telling her.


`Don't lie like this, tell them'

`No, I can't'


`Too bad, can't help you then'.




“Mr. Orikami.” Said the superintendent, “I expected you to hire a reliable teacher, and instead, you give me THIS!”


The principal stood up “But Sir, I…” “SILENCE!” Mr. Orikami sat back down, and the superintendent headed for the door.


“I was going to present you with the school of the year award, but now I'm going to be sick!” he slammed the door and was gone.


The principal stared Kari dead in the eyes. “There is no reduce of salary this time Ms. Kamiya, This is the end!” he said deeply as Kari nearly fell out of her seat.


“You are FIRED, Now Get off my property or I'm calling the police!” He stomped out of the office, and left poor Kari taking what was said so hard.

I’d like to think that the principal and the superintendent are both me, finally getting a role in a Mykan story. Truly a dream come true for me.

So, after the principal and the superintendent go off to have sex with each other, Kari is now out of a job. Which again, is the most realistic portrayal of a principal in any story I’ve reviewed! What does that say about me?!

Kari goes home and the briefcase that couldn’t possibly have her name on it because it’s Mykan’s, and he would obviously put his name on it, is sent back to Kari, because outside of being a dick, the principal is also an idiot!

Ms. Kamiya…

You forgot to take your brief case home when you left.


It just goes to show how ruthless you really are.


So take the case and go home.

Principal. Orikami

My mistake… He’s not a dick or an idiot… He’s a dickiot!

Kari fiddles through the briefcase, because why would somebody lock one of those, and finds out that it belongs to Mykan. She finds a video tape of that porn movie Mykan did, with Mimi from the first series. It’s called Togemon!

What?! It’s no worse that Mykan describing the space between Copycat’s hairy legs!


Turns out that the tape contains a flashback, where most of the character, Yolie, Ken, TK, Kari, and Mykan are all talking about the Valentine’s Day Prom night. Jesus, this really is a Saved by the Bell, isn’t it?

Oh, and don’t worry if you don’t know who Ken and Yolie are, neither does the story.

And I need you to see this scene, because there is an important question I have to bring to mind.

Kari: “I'm so excited TK”


TK: “Me too Kari, Me too”. Yolei and Ken walk into the room hand in hand.


Ken: “You guys going to the Valentines Day prom too?” Yolei TK and Kari giggle.


Yolei: “Of course they are, silly everyone from school is going”. Davis stops outside the door.


Davis: “Well…not quite everyone is going.” The others looked concerned about this.


Kari: “Davis…you're not going?” Davis slowly shakes his head his head


Davis: “Well…I don't have a date, and can't have fun without one. So why should I go to a prom?”

Who the fuck is filming this?!


Is it Cody? That kid that Mykan doesn’t even bother to mention?! Why would he be filming a discussion about the Valentine’s Day dance?! Or is this an invisible film crew that is doing this to get the scoop on Mykan’s noodle?

Also, I would normally harp on the text being something you’d read out of a script for a play, claiming that the author wasn’t trying anymore, but you have to start trying first.

There are three songs in this chapter, so most of it I get to skip, thank god.

Not that the lyrics are that interesting to listen to anyway. It’s mostly “KARI DOESN’T LOVE ME! LIFE IS PAIN! WAH! WAH WAH!”

Strangely enough, the video records Kari and TK singing their love song and then the film cuts to Mykan singing about how sad he is. That film crew just taped the exact things they needed to, didn’t they?!

The film then cuts to Yolie and Ken’s wedding, but instead of them, who are far more interesting and actually had some fucking chemistry in the show, we focus on what we’ve focused on the entire story, Mykan mooping.

All right teens make some room on the floor, these two are going give us their fist official dance as a couple.

Why did he say teens and not adults that could have possibly been there? Because, car crash!

The film ends with Mykan giving this big speech to the world about how people should love him and how he is in so much pain and that he’s more important than anyone else in the world. Sort of like he does in real life.

Davis; the Narrator: “Ken and Yolei tried to comfort me and suggested that I find other women to interact with.


But I never did. My heart belonged to Kari, and only Kari, and it still does If I can't be with her, then I would much rather be alone.


I always heard that `love hurts' but I had absolutely no idea that it could hurt you this much.


It was like missing dinner, having your home taken away, and your family died leaving you with nothing…all rolled into One. I tell you, I was one said little guy.


To make another story bad,

My son Musuko's real parents had died when he was born, and so I adopted him. As a result here I am.


I've been a single man for years, and I know that without Kari, I shall stay single for years to come.


But I still miss her a lot, and ever since my folks died, and my sister left me. I haven't felt the same ever since then.


It hurt me allot more when I retired from the digital World that I had to say goodbye to Veemon forever.

Sometimes, it's very difficult.

The only Digimon in this story and he’s just tossed out like a old tissue to clean up the blood from your nose, when you realize that’s your brain committing suicide!

Also, it’s very convenient how he taped himself confessing his feelings for Kari, in a tape with all this symbolism, otherwise, I wouldn’t have enough shit to call ‘bullshit’ on!

Kari, clearly some kind of sane rational person, does what any sane and rational person would do in a situation where you just saw the video tape of the Joker. Want to have sex with him!


Youtube Video

Meanwhile back at Noodle Corp…

Give you three guesses what Mykan’s doing? Here’s a hint, it rhymes with groping.

“I can't believe it!” He thundered. “I just don't believe it! If my Briefcase is gone I, I'll…!”


“Daddy, Daddy calm down!” cried Musuko who had come from school. His father finally calmed down.


Davis had been so angry that his briefcase was gone, that he could barely think straight. He even fired three employees without with out realizing it.

Wow, the three year old is more of an adult than the actual adult. That’s pretty fucking sad. Also, apparently people love working for the guy who fires people on a fucking whim. Great job security there. No wonder the Japanese get attacked by giant monsters every other week when they let this guy be in charge.

Kari manages to get into the room to return Mykan’s briefcase to her, where Kari tries to make things right, but Mykan begins to act like a dick. Which I’m sure is okay is Mykan’s perverted messed up world.

The two young boys couldn't believe this. Their respective parents arguing with each other. Who was going to walk away with it all?

Davis spoke in a sad voice. “Why don't you just leave me alone Kari? Go back to your perfect husband and the great life you created”.


“But Davis I…”


“No!”


His voice was so loud; it made the papers on the desk slide off. “I've had enough off this chaos and madness!” he roared.


“This job cost me everything I had! My parents, my sister, Veemon, and worst of all it caused me to adopt a child!”

And if there was any doubt as to Mykan actually hating children, I think he just sealed the deal with that one line. Good job, Mykan. Everypony give him a round of applause for that absolute fail.

Thank you, Diamond Tiara… I mean… My young apprentice.

And now… the crowning achievement of stupidity. The final nail in the coffin to which any hope of this story flutters out the window forever, never to return in an icarus flight to the sun and burning down to earth to become a pile of ash.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves…

Davis winced at what he had just said, he told his son the truth. “Musuko, I didn't mean…”


“No, leave me alone!” cried his son running to Kari's side.


“Now you've done it Davis,” she snapped at him. Davis just regained his anger. “No Kari, look what you did!”


Kari looked up in shock; she had forgotten that in the end it was really she who had caused this misery for them both.

OH, FUCK YOU UP YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASS WITH THE BIGGEST FUCKING RAKE I CAN FUCKING FIND! SO I CAN TWIST THE RAKE AROUND IN INSIDE YOUR BODY, MESSING UP YOUR ORGANS, TURNING YOUR BLACK HEART INTO FUCKING JELLY AND THEN SERVING IT TO FEED HUNGRY ORPHANS IN AFRICA! AND WHEN THEY SAY ‘Thank you, Mr. Critique,” I’LL SAY, “Don’t thank me kids, thank Mykan.” AND THEY’LL FINALLY BOW BEFORE YOU AS THEY FEAST ON YOUR FUCKING ENTRAILS!

… Sorry… Lost my cool there… but can you blame me?!


For god’s sake, Mykan, takes some fucking responsibility! Do you want to know why Spider-Man is my favorite hero? Despite the fact that some writers constantly fuck him up?! It’s because he accepts his part in what happened to his Uncle Ben! He may not have pulled the trigger, but he takes responsibility for his part. He doesn’t pawn his blame onto others like Mykan does.

Mykan blames Kari, for her and Davis not being together. He blames Terra for hurting Beast Boy and wanting a better life. He blames Princess Cadance because he is not married to a beautiful girl and has a life. This is what he has devolved into people. Someone who will blame fictional characters for their problems. It started with Kari and Davis and Mykan believed it was all Kari’s fault, not realizing or more likely not caring that people change.

It moved on to Terra and Beast Boy when Terra wanted something more. Again, not caring that again, people change!

And finally, it devolved into what it is now, Princess Cadance being raped and tortured by Mykan, because no woman has come up to his door in a wedding dress and said “Take me, I’m yours.” That doesn’t just happen, Mykan. Just like nobody is going to knock on your down and tell you “You are going to be the next Idina Menzel.”

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. I must have insulted you with a marvelous talent like her’s because ‘She’s a girl.’

You want something to happen. You make it happen. You work to accomplish it. You give yourself a chance and you do what it takes to make it as far as you can and do extra to get further. No one was going to write these reviews that I’ve done for nearly two years now. I made them happen. By picking out fics, reading them carefully, researching the subject material and then writing it. It was not just handed to me by someone who knocked on my door.

But … I’m pretty much wasting my time with this aren’t I? Just like your writing will never evolve or get better, you will never evolve or get better. So, continue to be petty in your own little world, I’ll continue to be petty in my own little world. Unfortunately for me, that world is reviewing piece of shit like this.

So, weighing up the pros and cons carefully about how much his life sucks and how much pain he is going through and how much his only loving son, who he does not love in the slightest thanks to Mykan’s insight, Mykan decides the only logical thing to do … would be to blow up his factory with his self-destruct button… Celestia, I wish I was making that up.

My mind is still made up, I'm blowing this dump...Right NOW!” growled Davis, he took out a key card from his pocket, walked over to his desk, and put it in a slot with a timer above it.


Red lights started to dance around the room, the alarm was going off, and a computerized voice cried out…


“Beginning self-destruction sequence”… and the Timer stared to countdown…they had 5 minutes, and counting.

What the fucking hell?! He has a self-destruct button on his factory?! Why?! Is he afraid that Lean Cuisine’s going to find out your secret to your noodles and why women like it so much?! For fuck’s sake, you do not own a government facility!

Wait… Of course! It all makes sense now! Mykan not only controls the media, he controls the government as well! So not only is the guy who’s only talent is selling noodles got more control of the politics of Japan then Shinzō Abe (Prime Minister of Japan at the time of review), but apparently, has fucking Megatron stored under his factory!


So, Mykan runs away and locks Kari and the 2 four year olds in the factory with him. Oh, good, because this doesn’t scream ‘Look at me, I’m ka-raaaaazaaaaay!’ And the boys seem to know what the hell is going on for being … you know… FOUR!

After Davis had exited the room, Koji was running around scared as a dog. “We've got to get out of here before this building explodes!” he cried.


He tried to reach for the elevator buttons. “It's no use son.” Cried Kari. “We can't use the elevators when the Self-destruct system is operating”.


Musuko looked up at her. “How do you know that Ms. Kamiya?” he asked, “There's no time to explain boys; we have to stop that system from blowing up”.


“I'll go smash the control panel,” said Koji, but Kari grabbed him in an instant, “Don't do it,” she snapped

Oh… Yeah… that’s right… I forgot. This is Mykan’s talent for ‘Unable to write characters unless they act like their teenagers.’

Kari tells the boys that the only way to save themselves is to stop Mykan from, you know, killing them!

Oh, look, he is trying to murder the ones he loves. How romantic.

While I appreciate the sarcasm, I’ve got it covered!

Kari says that if they don’t stop the self-destruct sequence that not only will the building explode, causing them to die, but will spread poisonous gas to the surrounding area, killing hundreds. Wait, what?

“That bomb is so perfectly placed, that the short circuiting of the wires would cause it to detonate. When and if it does, it'll blow the building into a million pieces, and spread poisonous gas over a large area”.

Okay, now this is just getting stupid. Does Mykan so not care about other people that he will poison thousands because ‘THAT GIRL DIDN’T GO TO THE PROM WITH ME! I’LL SHOW HER!’ For fuck’s sake, get yourself laid, man! You have enough money! Go to a whore house or something!

I mean, this is psychotic! And this is the man that Kari wants to be in her pants! This is the man she claims is good for her son! I can’t wait til I see the sequel, where Mykan ends up stuffing Kari in a bodybag because the waffles are a bit black around the edges!


And to add some much needed humor to this psychotic murderous rampage, here’s a scene of Mykan’s kids working super advanced technology that they learned from a Preschool teacher!


“Danger; Self-destruction sequence activated” cried the computer, they had 2 minutes, and counting.

Davis thinking he had won his escape, was running down the corridors of the 15th floor, and then…


WHAM!!!


He ran smack into an emergency doors that Musuko had put down in front of him, and fell on his back.


* * *


“Whoa, good shot Musuko” said Koji watching the screen “Ooh, Daddy fall down go boom!” mocked Musuko.

Well, I think Izzy just got mind fucked…

Fortunately, the kids continue to make light of their situation as they continue to joke about how much they are picking on Mykan…

Davis just used his keycard in the slot at the door; it opened up, allowing him to continue running.


While Kari's elevator had almost made it to the ground floor.


Davis was on the 5th floor, and was running down the stairs… “You hoo, Mr. Motomiya?” called Koji over the security camera. Davis looked up… “Now Musuko!”


Musuko pressed a blue button, and the staircase Davis was standing on pushed him upwards, back to the 10th floor.


“Don't you just hate me?” mocked his son.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! You’re all about to FREAKING DIE!!!!

Kari finally catches up to Mykan and stops him from blowing up the building by declaring him the winner, because that’s what it's all about, winning, kisses him to make him stop being a dick, which stops Mykan from being a dick.

Well, if that’s all that it takes… Pucker up, Mykan…

Mykan manages to get the keycard up to the top of the tower, in about 5 seconds and the building, I only wish I could say, fucking blew up.

But no, they stop the countdown and everything is right with the world, hoo-fucking-ray.

The kids instantly forgive Mr. Mykan for nearly killing the entire city, the city, of course, loves Mr. Mykan for saving the day, not even giving a thank you to Kari. Kari sucks on Mr. Mykan’s dick for the rest of their miserable, empty, pathetic lives, three classic songs get buttfucked, the Digidestined reunion takes place, with the exception of TK because who gives a shit, Mr. Mykan gives Kari her job back because why would anyone respect a woman and the hard work she fucking does, in return for Kari binding herself to the wall and never talking like a good little trophy, it segways into Kari and Mykan’s perfect wedding and another Mykan story ends.

THE END


(Well that's my story, I hope you liked it, before we go now, there is one more song left)

Fuck you, this story’s over.

Do I really have to go into much detail as to why this story sucks as much dicks as it does?

No, I really don’t. But I will anyway.

The characters are either stupid, psychotic, or both. With not one of them being relatable or even having any semblance of humanity in them. Making it hard to invest anything I have into them. And if the characters aren’t relatable, the story fails.

But what about the plot? The plot is about as cliched as a teenage high school drama. Which would be fine if the fucking plot took place in a fucking HIGH SCHOOL! But, no. Instead, the actors are all middle aged men and women who come back for a high school reunion and decided to act like the idiots they were in high school, just without the irony.

Not to mention the dark twist that it takes when the main character decides to go off and go on a killing spree. But he got better so that makes it alright. I guess.

But who cares about plot and characters? How well does it represent Digimon? It doesn’t. You could have changed it to any series really! Watch I’ll do it right now. This story was about Sword Art Online, with two characters named Kari and Davis. Two OC’s thought up by the author. Davis is the greatest Sword Art Online player ever and owns his own noodle factory. Kari was a girl who played with him on Sword Art Online and is a Preschool teacher. TK is the dick who tried to take the girl away.

Davis gets jealous and locks him and Kari in a tower that is about to explode unless she agrees to marry him.

You notice what was missing from that?

Sword Art Online!


It’s the same fucking thing with Digimon!

Digimon plays such a minor role in the story, you could be forgiven for thinking this is an episode of ‘Drake and Josh’.

But who cares about all that when you have the writing? Well, the writing’s shit. The most basic of grammar errors and spelling that would make the spell check weep in shame. The descriptions are basic at best, with many things not coming into play, like the super-limo-batmobile, or treating the reader like a moron.

But who cares about that writing when you have the ability to insult everyone who reads it? Well, for that Mykan gets a shiny big gold star, because it certainly is insulting. It insults men, women, children, Digimon and even space parasites.

Overall, wouldn’t recommend even if it was the last story in the universe and the only alternate form of entertainment was shooting your nuts off.


Mykanuary: Liberty's Kids: The Past VS The Future

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome to another day in MYKANUARY!


Youtube Video

I know, I’m excited too. Last week, we reviewed a Digimon fic, sort of like we did a year ago. I kind of have a schedule that I try to stick to every time I have a Mykanuary. I start off with a Digimon fic, mostly because Davis and Kari is where his name comes from. The Dakaris as they call themselves who ship Davis and Kari. And just to clear the air, I don’t care who you ship where, I only care about who well you ship it. Or in this case, how you make it all Kari’s fault they didn’t end up together in the show.

The third week I usually do a Teen Titans review and the last week I usually review Starfleet Magic or whatever the hell it’s called. So, for those of you who want to see the next trainwreck in the Starfleet series, don’t worry, that’s coming later this month.

My second week of doing this is usually a wild card. Something that is not one of the big three shows that Mykan has a grudge against. Last year I reviewed a Corpse Bride fic, which was nothing more than Mykan’s attempt to get into the pants of a lifeless doll. I’m starting to get the feeling that all these fics are just him trying into a girl’s vagina.

Maybe a girl broke his heart and now he’s out for revenge.

Anyway, this week, we are going to look at a show on PBS called ‘Liberty’s Kids’. It was made in September 2002 and the show lasted less than a year, ending in April of 2003. If you’re not familiar with it, Liberty’s Kids is a show about a group of kids, who are reporters working for Benjamin Franklin, during the years of the American Revolutionary War.

Needless to say, I had actually never seen this show before. I had heard about it and I watched a couple episodes in preparation for this review, but I had never actually watched it beforehand. Mostly because I was in Junior High School when the show aired and wasn’t really interested. I was more interested in the internet and all the wonderful things I could discover with it.

So, naturally, I found a porn site.

Based on what I can tell from the show, it actually had some pretty accurate depictions of historical events, (For PBS, mind you) and even was nominated for two Daytime Emmy awards. The purpose of the show was to educate young people about the days during the war and the effect it had on the country.

For a show on PBS, it actually was pretty damn dark, with death being a common theme and at one point, execution was mentioned. So it’s more meant towards a slightly older audience than what normally gets put on PBS. The heavy handed educational bits notwithstanding.

The show even managed to get some celebrities to voice famous historical figures during that time period. Dustin Hoffman, Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, even Schwarzenegger makes an appearance as Baron von Steuben, a Persian/American military officer. By the way, if you want to see that because you think it’s funny and you love Arnold, look up the episode ‘Valley Forge’, he’s a riot!

And even use of the ‘N’ word… … yeah, that caught me off guard. Okay, yes, it was a different time period back when the story takes places, but it still was a tad shocking, especially for a PBS series.

So, I’ve seen a few episodes and what do I think… Well, it’s okay. It’s a PBS show, so you can’t really expect too much. The animation is choppy and sometimes the voice acting is pretty bad, but it's harmless and I know many Elementary school teachers and Junior High teachers use the show to teach kids about the Revolutionary War.

The story we’re going to be talking about today is a story called ‘Liberty’s Kids: The Past VS The Future’. Well, obviously, it’s going to be about the comparison between the kids from 1777 and the kids of 1860 with the differences that they go through to record the moments of American history.

I’m just kidding, it’s about a time traveler from the future who happens to be the father of one of the main characters.

In this story, *With the help of my voices* I shall play the role of a lost relitave to Sarah's father.

A relitave who has the power of the future on his side, which he uses to wreak havoic on Liberty!

Historical accuracy my ass!


Also, does he really think that the country was named ‘Liberty’?

The story starts with the brief history of each of the main character’s backstory, hence why I didn’t talk about them.

Why do something when you have Mykan to do it for you?

James Hiller was orphaned as a baby after his parents were killed in a fire, so Dr Franklin too poor little James right into his heart.


Raising him as if he were like his own child, and giving him a job as a journalist, for the newspaper of New-York.


Luckily James wasn't completely alone; he did have his friends Sarah and Henri by his side.

As we know, Dr. Franklin adopted James to keep women from wanting to bang him. Franklin was quite the player back in the day.

Sarah Philips was a British-girl, who came to New-York as Dr. Franklin's guest.


Like most British girls, she was a High-class lady with a very high class, yet stubborn personality.


She usually complained a lot about the way James used to act, even though it wasn't as if he had much of a choice

Well, of course. As we all know, America are filthy slobs. … Well some Americans anyway.

Turns out that Sarah’s mother and her father, move to the states from England after the war, which is mirrored in the show.

We also get a bit of backstory on Henri, a French orphan, who was eventually adopted by a French Marquis named Lafayette. And Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

Actually, in the show, Moses is an African-American former slave, who was pretty pissed off with the results of the Revolutionary War not abolishing slavery. In the show, Benjamin Franklin tells him that it would probably take another war to end slavery.

As well as 150+ years of prejudice before equal rights.

The cast, with the exception of Ben, stays at James and Sarah’s house for a meal. During the meal, Sarah finds a photo of her father and his twin brother, Mykan. Oh, I’m sorry… Paul. Paul was sent to marry a princess and to become the future king of England. Oh, so I was right. It is Mykan. My mistake.

However, Mykan refused to marry her, probably because he was already ruler of Japan and Unicornicopia, and thought England would just be too greedy.

Sarah’s father story is so sad because he has seen his brother in years, that everyone actually starts crying…

Everyone wiped their eyes with their spare napkins, for that was a very sad story.

Really? Everyone starts crying here? What the hell?

Look, maybe the father having some kind of emotional breakdown would make sense. I could understand that. But every single character?! Fuck, the kids probably saw more heartbreaking shit in the war, what with people being shot, stabbed and dying!

In fact, that’s a reoccurring trend I’ve noticed with Mykan’s stories. Whenever a sad story is told, no matter how sad it actually is or isn’t, everyone must cry. It happened in Davis & Kari’s wedding, it happened in the Teen Titans with Copycat, it happened with the Corpse Bride, and I might have been too drunk to remember, but I’m pretty sure it happened during Starfleet Magic!

Are all his characters robots? When they detect a sad scene, they have to act accordingly?

:ajbemused: Everypony, my little sister just got ran over by a combine harvester.

:duck: That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Commencing sad face. Deploying tears.

:pinkiesmile: Hello, everypony. It is my birthday.

:ajbemused: Deploying jealously. Making mean facing to Pinkie Pie.

:unsuresweetie: I just murdered the reviewer who keeps making fun of Mykan.

:eeyup: Commencing happiness. Yay.

We then cut to 200 years in the future where we see someone looking at the past through a television. Now it doesn’t exactly say it’s only 200 years in the future, but that’s the only text that says how much time has passed since the story ended, so I’m going to assume that.

Yes, apparently 200 years after the Revolutionary War, we have the ability to see things in the past. Turns out that technology lost to the invention of the internet.

“With my new found Knowledge of the future, I shall control the world, and do as I please, and nobody will be able to tell me what to again…”


“NOBODY...!”

“BAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!!

AH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!!”


(NEWS PAPER SCENE ZOOMS OUT WHILE HIS LAUGHING REVERBS OUT!!!)

Oh, go fuck yourself. See I can still tell you what to do.

Also, are you just telling us the scene transition in a fucking parenthesis?!

I have a feeling this is going to be a painful trip down our nation’s history… Let’s just hope it’s not the least bit insulting…

Sarah’s father, who I guess is named Samuel, makes a speech about the independence that he didn’t do shit for.

After the speech, Samuel and his wife, Elizabeth, make their way to a ball in their honor or something. When suddenly, Mykan appears on a glider and attacks the place.

He was standing on a weird looking machine that looked like a metal mechanical bird in mid air.


He wasn't even wearing actually proper clothing.


He was wearing, a blue tunic, a black-red cape, black gloves and boots, and a mask with the United-kingdom's crest on it.

First, he wanted to be Batman. And now he wants to be the Green Goblin. Make up your fucking mind. Though to be fair, I would be able to take this horrible dialogue more seriously if Willem Dafoe was saying it.

“Now… Here this! All of you!” His voice thundered. It actually seemed to sound louder than a normal voice would.


(Because he was talking into a megaphone)


“As of this moment, you will all do as I say, and hand over all your money and goods over to me at once!”

Youtube Video

Also, I guess, his mask doesn’t have a interior microphone to enhance his voice. It just says ‘he was talking into a megaphone’. I can just imagine him holding up a megaphone, even though he has this superspace mask and his high tech glider.

Maybe that’s why he’s come back to the past, in the future all the superheroes beat him up and the other supervillains make fun of him.

“Defy me, and it shall be your peril, and to already proved that I am not bluffing!”

What do you mean ‘already proved’? You mean ‘already proven’?! All you did was burst through the roof! A tree that’s fallen over can do that! Why don’t we have guards with muskets to shoot your ass?!


Samuel stands up to the Green Goblin, something that the Goblin doesn’t take to kindly towards.

“It's revenge Samuel. Revenge for everything I struggled to obtain, but never reached it.”


“You on the other hand got everything you every wanted, because you were the favorite.”

For the last time, Celesto, Celestia is not just going show up to your down and magically want to suck your dick!


I would apologize for the confusion normally, but as we’ve already shown, his ‘characters’ are pretty interchangeable.

Suddenly, a dirt bomb crashed right into the man. Samuel looked around, and saw Sarah, James, and Moses.

I’m sorry... What the hell is a dirt bomb?

Is this another misspelling and he is actually trying to say ‘dirty bomb’? You mean a bomb that uses radiation as well as conventional explosives?! That ‘dirty bomb'?! If so, I don’t think radiation was to big of a thing in 1782!

Or did the other characters pick up a glob of dirt and threw it at him?! I don’t think dirt is going to cause an explosion! Especially the kind of explosion that the story is trying to describe!


Also, joining them in President George Washington, who is surprised at Willem’s armor.

The dust had cleared, and the man was still standing there. “I don't understand it.” said Washington. “There's not even a scratch on him.”

Well of course not, you idiot! You threw dirt at him!


“How very perceptive, Gorge Washington, Heh… heh… heh!”

I don’t know who the hell Gorge Washington is, but I know my history, and George Washington was the first President of the United States. Not that I voted for him, I personally voted for Abraham Lincoln.

Sir, Lincoln was not even born yet.

Shut up! I am the expert!


Gorge Washington asks what kind of machine is it that allows the man to fly and the man replies with only the most logical of time periods that could possibly have a glider!

“That machine… is from the year 1995!”

Yep, 1995! The year that JavaScript was first introduced! Which is what his glider runs on… Still needs to work out a few bugs…

Also, it was the year for Toy Story, Goldeneye, Braveheart, and … Batman Forever?

Well, that explains the transition from Bat to Goblin, but just wait until he sees Batman and Robin.

The Goblin then decides to tell us his origin while he has Peter tied up. Might as well, it’s what Stan Lee did. Turns out Mykan found a magical crystal ball that teleported him to the future and rather than freak out and be a symbol of hope and freedom, much like Captain America, (wow a lot of superhero reference in the non-superhero fan fic) but uses his intellect and knowledge of 1995 for criminal purposes.

“And I had brought with me a few samples of the future. I couldn't wait to show them to the world, but the glass showed me something else.”


“It showed me that these items were from the future, and only for the future.”


If the world were to discover them now before their proper time, the future can be badly alternated.”

Which is why I’m taking this highly advanced machine and a megaphone to 1782, which I’m sure will not cause any repercussions to the present in anyway! You are really fucking stupid!

“Correct… Heh… heh …heh! That was the General Idea. For I already am responsible for the deaths of many people.”

“Including… Tom Philips. My adopted, astringed son!”


Sarah's heart nearly skipped a beat, “You?” she cried “You killed my cousin Tom, Your own son?”

Mykan must have it really out for children who are adopted. Did his parents adopt a kid and they got more love than he did?! Is he adopted and he’s angry at the world because of that?! Or is this just Mykan needing a scapegoat, just like he does with Twilight and Cadance?!

Sarah’s mother, Elizabeth, is pretty pissed off that her nephew was killed by him, which makes this the only character in the story that cares about adopted children, thus, she is now my favorite character. Anyway, she attacks Willem Dafoe, but he ends up shooting her in the scuffle.

And thus the best character in the story is dead… A perfect metaphor.

“Relax; she's not dead; not yet anyway.” Said the man, “But there's no point in talking to her, she can't hear you.”


“Notice her motionless body? That's because I've just stolen her Biological-Energy.”


He held up a small flask holding green glowing liquid.

“As long as I hold this, Elizabeth will never awaken, and every second she remains in that state, she'll forget more and more.”


“Her family, her friends, everything she kept inside her mind and inside her heart, until she is completely drained out!


“Hah… hah… hah… hah… hah!”

I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Biological-energy does.

No! No! No! No! Biological-energy has nothing to do with a person’s memories! Biological-energy, if you will, has to do with chemicals produced and consumed within a living being as well as the reactions that happen to take place during the course of such. More simply called a metabolism.

Or perhaps you were referring to metabolic capacities of organisms to convert some combination of light, biomass, organic compounds, gases and water into useful chemical-bond energy.?!Such as hydrogen, methane, ammonia, bioplastics, and alcohols?!

Either way, neither of those have to do with a person losing their memories! The science in this ‘historically accurate’ story is flawed! Good day, sir!

… … Wow… I think you broke Computer… Even I haven’t been able to do that… I’m not sure whether to be angry or confused…

Anyway, James goes to defend his mother in law, only for him to get his ass kicked. To which Sarah is perfectly okay with her mother dying as long as she continues to get some sweet James ass.

“WHY YOU TALLOW FACED BEAST!!!” screamed James standing up, “How dare you do that to my Mother-in-law.”


He flexed his fists, “Its go time, now put up your fits, tough guy!”

Then other man just kicked James hard in the gut.


“You Fool… Threaten me again, and you'll suffer the same fate as your Mother-in-law!”


“Please James!” sobbed Sarah, “Just let it go!”

Kind of funny how almost every episode in the show starts with Sarah writing a letter to her mother about the war and yet now, she could care less about her safety.

“We'll meet again Samuel, and next time, it shall be the last time!

Bah…hah…hah…hah…hah!”

The comparison to the Green Goblin is confirmed more and more.

“Father, do something, stop him. Don't let him escape!” cried Sarah, but Samuel didn't move an inch, and the man got away with Elizabeth's energy.

Wait, now you want someone to stop him from killing your mother?! Make up your damn mind!


They take Elizabeth to Benjamin Franklin’s print shop, instead of… you know… a fucking hospital! Not that the hospital from 1782 would be of much help, but at least the characters would act with some sense of logic.

They also find out that Samuel didn’t do anything because it turns out the big reveal that we’ve been building up is that the Goblin is Samuel’s brother! Which nobody was able to find out when he said that he killed his son… Sarah’s cousin… Elizabeth’s nephew… These characters really are idiots!

From up in his plane, Indeed it was Paul, he looked on a smaller TV-screen.


“Took you long enough to guess… Big Brother…!”


“Hah… hah… hah… hah… hah… hah!!!”




(NEWS PAPER SCENE ZOOMS OUT WHILE HIS LAUGHING REVERBS OUT!!!)

Wait, did it just do that again?!

Oh, wait, I finally get it… In the show, everytime they had to cut to a ‘commercial break’, it would show an old newspaper of images from the episode. He’s doing the exact same thing here in a fucking story that I read! It doesn’t need to have that in a fan fiction like this!


The next chapter shows the doctors doing their best to help Elizabeth, but they can’t seem to help her. Also, it seems that they understand exactly what happened to her and just kind of accepts it. Funny how  accepting people are of future spacemen coming from 200 years from the future to attack them when less than 100 years ago they were ready to hang people for witchcraft.

The Doctor gulped hard and looked at James, Sarah, and Samuel, “There's no easy way to say this, so I shall be blunt.”


Sarah gripped James hand tightly, and Samuel wiped his brow.


“If you aren't able to bring Elizabeth's energy to her body with in -72 hours from now… she shall die.”


At that, Sarah fainted nearly dragging James down to the floor with her.

… … Just hit me with the shovel… I’m long overdue for it…

Jesus… fuck…

After Sarah came to, she was indeed in tears. Her poor mother was on her death-bed.


James felt even worse than she did. He already never knew his own mother, and now he was losing another one.

He’s really in pain? Does Mykan not know that this is NOT Sarah’s adoptive mother? But her birth mother?! Does he think women deserve the pain they go through? That their pain is less important than a man’s? Obviously he does! Why would I expect anything more?

Henri, who was mentioned earlier, arrives when he hears news of Elizabeth’s condition. Let me guess, he jumped in a plane and flew to America, because when I checked last, he lived in fucking France!

But I guess this is like with the Corpse Bride story where we can make up whatever the hell we want for the sake of the story. Screw historical accuracy. Though to be honest, I shouldn’t be surprised at this point.

Anyway, James makes this big speech about how they have to fight Mykan and that they won’t be bullied by him. Suddenly, the farmlands get attacked by the Goblin. And without knowing the location or anything like that, Samuel jumps to the conclusion that a character named Sybil lives.

If you know your history, he is of course talking about the famous Sybil Ludington, the female version of Paul Revere to make long story short. Basically, she performed the same ride to warn of the British’s arrival, just on a different night to warn a different group.

And speaking of history being buttfucked as I have, though it shouldn’t surprise you at this point, we can now add geography to the list of things Mykan doesn’t understand. The town that Sybil lived when the war ended, given the reports I found, was in Patterson, New York. And the place Elizabeth was taken to? Benjamin Franklin’s print house? It’s called the Pennsylvania Gazette. Wanna take a guess where that is located?

PENNSYLVANIA!

And just to avoid confusion, Patterson is several, several miles away from Pennsylvania. Almost 100 of them. The point I’m trying to make here is THIS DOESN’T FUCKING WORK, MYKAN!

And don’t give me this crap, about ‘It’s fan fiction, I can do what I want.’ No. This is history. This is stuff that has happened and has had pretty damn good proof that it did happen. While the characters of Sarah, James and Henri are most likely fictional, most of the characters in the show are not! You can’t just change something that drastic because you want it to go your way! And don’t say that ‘It’s because he’s changing the past and that’s changing things.’ He hasn’t even been there a fucking day! There isn’t even a chance for people to know about this guy this quickly! And even if there was, it would still take some time before Sybil could even get to the fucking state!

But, I’ve pretty much ranted on this point long enough, so let’s just try to get through this, while I still have brain cells in tact.

Sybil is captured by Mykan and taken to his secret headquarters where all the other women of major importance during this time period are locked away where they can’t ruin Mykan’s little world.

“Margaret” Molly Corbin… Abigail Addams… Deborah Samson… Elizabeth Freeman… Phyllis Whealthy… and even… Martha Washington.

Up on top of the cabin stood Paul Philips, raging mad as ever to his henchmen holding Sybil.


“Hurry up you Fool!” he bellowed. “Is the coast clear?” asked the guard.


“Yes, now move it!”

Ah, so the enforcers for the Green Goblin are actually the Enforcers. … Wow, I really need to stop the superhero references.

General Washington gathers an army of men since his wife was just kidnapped and attacks Mykan, shooting him. However, it is revealed that Mykan is wearing a bulletproof vest.

The other men fired there guns rapidly at him, but not a single shot even wounded him.


* * *


(BULLET PROOF VEST)




* * *


“Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!”

Yep… He just interrupted the entire story just to tell us he was wearing a bulletproof vest from the future. Because apparently the target audience for this fic was a brain dead jellyfish.

They continue their attack but future man of the magic 8 ball is immune to their weapons. Gorge Washington asks what his demands are and Mykan proclaims them.

Write Cadance out of My Little Pony!

Um… What the hell is My Little Pony?

Just shut up and do as I say!

Oh certainly Mr. President Sir!” sniggered Paul, “You and your fellow American men may have your women back…”


“… but only…If you pay me One-hundred-Million Pounds in gold bars… and if you don't, then you'll never see these pretties again!”

Okay, I hate to keep going back to the history lesson and shit, so I’ll be brief, I know that the currency in Britain is pounds, but based on what I’ve read, America dollars were in circulation by this point. And honestly, I don’t think that there was that much gold in the 13 colonies. So, where would the gold come from? Maybe they’d have some gold, but not 100 million pounds worth!

Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that America has some amount of gold. According to the research I did, 100 million pounds would translate into 147.8 million dollars. Also, the American dollar went a lot further back then. If he really is asking for 147.8 million dollars, due to inflation, that would be like asking for 3 billion dollars today!

So, consider the fact that this country just started out of nowhere after a long and bloody war with a large government to gain their freedom… How in the fuck are they going to come up with 3 billion dollars worth of ransom?!


I mean, did the villain even do his research before thinking up this extremely evil plan? And if he has access to time travel, why couldn’t he steal a few coins from this era and then fly them to the future where they are much rarer and much more valuable?

What is the point of kidnapping all these women that played a part in the American Revolutionary War? I don’t mean for Mykan, the writer, I mean for Mykan, the character in the story. Why does he want revenge on George Washington or Deborah Samson or pretty much any other character besides his brother? We are literally given no context to anything outside of he’s just being a dick.

At least with his brother, he gave a reason. It was a weak ass reason, but at least he had a motive. This villain is attack people who didn’t do anything!


Ugh! Anyway, one of the girls, Abigail Adams, wife of John Adams, manages to get a message to our heroes about where they are being held. Want to know where? The Atlantic Ocean. The Ocean Floor.

Let’s pretend for a second that somehow the Green Goblin is getting help from fucking Aquaman, but how in the hell would she know where they are being held?! Last I checked, they don’t exactly have GPS on their fucking cell phones! Did the Goblin tell her she was going to be taken to the Atlantic Ocean when they kidnapped her?! And assuming that they did, I don’t know if you know this, but the Atlantic Ocean is a pretty fucking big place! Covering about 20% of the earth!

And the best they can go on is that they are at the bottom of the ocean!

The group … somehow manages to get ahold of Mykan’s mask as he flies away on his rocket boots. The group discovers that there are all sorts of mechanical doo dads in Mykan’s mask and they know exactly how to reconfigure them in order for it to work against him. I call bullcrap on this, but I’ve harped on almost every other line. My rant well is running a little dry.

After examining the mask closely, Samuel could tell it wasn't from the future, which meant, Paul made it himself.

I refer you to my last statement.

There’s some more bullcrap science and geography butchering that I’m going to spare you all because I’ve already ranted that Mykan doesn’t know shit about either, this review is already too long as it is and we’ve still got a ways to get through. To make a long story short, they find out that Mykan is about the halfway point between America and Great Britain, a trip which on a plane would take 8 hours to travel. Much longer by boat. Much, much longer by boat in 1782!

Point is, those women are going to be rotting corpses by the time they get there!

Anyway, the group agrees to the terms and give Mykan what he wants in a chest. Mykan gives them the location of the girls, but when the group investigates, they find that the girls are actually scarecrows that he replaced them with. Or maybe that’s just how he views women, I don’t know at this point.

But it turns out that Washington isn’t quite the nobleman the show calls him as he tricks Mykan, by filling the chest with rocks.

“I've been Tricked!” he grumbled, “Washington and his men are even big swindlers that I am!”


Then he turned to look at the screen which showed him the dungeons below, where the ladies were being held.


“… But then again, I still have the ladies! Now, Washington shall have to pay me double!”

(Skip to 5:05 if you want to get why I’m pissed. Or you could watch the whole thing. It’s more entertaining than this shit!)

Youtube Video

Oh, my god… He actually ripped off the Spider-Man animated series from the 1960’s! … I’m one of probably four people reading this who would even know that! I don’t know whether I’m more sad for him or for me!

Okay, let’s put aside my pointless anger at a silly little reference. Instead, let’s see me rage at GEORGE WASHINGTON IS A FUCKING IDIOT! I mean, do you really think tricking the guy who has your wife will make him happy?! What was your big plan if you did get your wife back, he would feel bad and just give up and go home?

I mean, I get you not having the resources to gain the ridiculous ransom, but seriously?! This was your big plan?! What was your plan when he came back for you?! Throwing your powdered wig at him?!


Anyway, back at the headquarters of the worst supervillain since Polka Dot-Man, the ladies try to make their escape instead of being like good little statues for Mykan to admire. When one of the ladies has an independant thought, Mykan does what he always does. Whip her like an abusive spouse!

Sybil was shaking like a shivering Eskimo. “How do you like sharks?” he said.


Sybil stuttered “I've never tasted them before but…”


“I meant… swimming with them. For shall be your fate if you ever tell me what I can and cannot do again….DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!”


“Y-y-yes” Cried Sybil. “See that you remember that!” growled Paul, as he headed back towards the stairs.


“You pathetic Little Urchins… all you ever do is believe in freedom and good will towards dreams come true.”


“Heh…heh…heh… Well I say those fantasies have given you each a false sense of reality!”


“Life is not at all meant to be fun!”


“Life is hard… and at times, Quite Cruel… One Wrong move and you can be CRUSHED!!!”

And then, of course, as is true Mykan fashion, Mykan tries to get you to feel sad for him by making him sing about his trouble. However, instead of the song Mykan wants to use, I will use the song that I hear instead.

Youtube Video

Admit it, this song is so much more fitting!

The next night, Spider-Man arrives at the construction site and uses his web glue to keep Sandman from getting the money. Yes, I know that’s not what I’m reading, but if I cross my hooves and wish really hard, maybe one day my dream will come true and I’ll be an alicorn princess who isn’t reading this shit!

“This is the last straw. I'll have to go to my ultimate black-mail now. Heh… heh... heh… heh!”

… Ultimate Blackmail? Um… No offense, but why didn’t you start with that?!

While the villain is raving mad about not getting his money because of a little sticky oil- Yes, all his advanced technological wonders and his greatest enemy is glue- our heroes sneak aboard his submarine. Paul heads back to his base where our heroes split up to try and find where he’s keeping the hostages. However, Sandman decides to send his henchmen at the group. Thanks to super magical hyper technology from the future versus a musket, the heroes are swiftly defeated and captured.

It’s too bad none of the heroes used glue! They would have easily won!


And because things are not quite silly enough, Mykan reveals that he has a megaton bomb that he plans to detonate under the water to flood every city in the entire world. … I repeat… A megaton bomb… from 1917… is going to flood… every city… on Earth!

Behind Paul was an enormous (MEGATON BOMB) “I picked this up from 1917.”


“This explosive is so powerful that if I drop this giant bomb into the ocean and detonate it.”


“A massive Tidal-wave shall rise up and travel all the way around the globe, and every city on earth… will be washed away.”

I wish I could go into detail of why this is stupid, but I’m more focused on the fact that I think Mykan wants to grow up to be a Spider-Man villain. He’s certainly hammy enough.

And then, any humor in this scene is quickly covered by uncomfortableness when he mentions the Sumatra Earthquake which resulted in the death of 1300 people and that he wants to recreated it in this time period.

You see that was an image of a Tsunami-crisis in the year 2005, hundreds of hears from now.”


“However… my real Tidal-wave would be very similar to that. So Mr. President, what is your decision?”

Yeah… pretty sad that Mykan is willing to recreate conditions that caused the death of a lot of people, just because Beast Boy wouldn’t put her rhino in Terra’s crater. ‘Petty’ does not even begin to describe it.

Anyway, after that bit of awkwardness, our heroes awake only to find themselves dangling over a vat of man-eating sharks. I guess throwing them out into the ocean and watching them drown wouldn’t be good enough.

Mykan gets his brother to beg for his friends lives, but after doing so, gets told that Mykan will only allow one to live.

“As you can see, I only have nine sharks, but there are ten prisoners. Therefore, I shall free only one… of your choosing.”


Samuel's heart churned, “Only one?” he cried. “Only one!” snapped Paul.


“I can't spare them all now; my sharks need to be fed.”

He is turning into a Spider-Man villain! The only thing he hasn’t done that Green Goblin did was the ‘join me’ speech!

Just to be a dick, he starts lowering the others into the vat, putting a time limit on Samuel’s decision. The person we are supposed to feel sorry for, everyone! The guy who is willing to kill others for his petty revenge! How relatable!

However it turns out it was just a ploy to make Samuel want to kill himself and the people who were in danger were dummies. … I do not get it at all… My guess is to make Mykan more relatable by the end for his big redemption scene … which should be coming up right about…

“Look at me! I'm a British-mad-man who wants to bring to chaos to the world.”


“I've had bigger problems than an unwedded mother and her children. I should've died more times than a soldier in battle!”


“I have not seen my brother or the light of day in over 25 years, which is more than long enough to declare legally DEAD!”


Paul suddenly looked sad, “I can stop fighting.” He cried. “I fight, because I failed at life.”


“…and I failed at life because I didn't fight. It's a complicated problem that I have.”

Youtube Video

Please, go ahead. Tell me more.

Finally, after telling his sob story, something snaps in Mykan and he decides to go with his death threat, laughing like fucking Kefka while he does.

Youtube Video

He escapes and sends his minions to deal with the heroes. Fortunately, our heroes manage to fight them off. In the laziest fight scene in all of Mykan’s stories I’ve ever read.

The fight was on… Gun firing and the guards were losing to the Liberty's kid's army.


* * *


-America...America...

America, OH YEAH!

Were coming again to save the light of the day Yeah.

America, OH YEAH!

Freedom is the only way yeah.

-Terrorist your game is through

`Cuz' now you have to answer to,

America, OH YEAH!

-We'll kick your butt, and bash up your balls,

America, OH YEAH!

What you going to do when we come for you now,

-It's the dream that we all share;

It's the hope for tomorrow

OH YEAH!

Yeah… that’s the entire fight scene… YOU COULD HAVE PUT THE “C IS FOR COOKIE” SONG UP THERE AND IT WOULD HAVE MADE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE!

They manage to beat the henchmen and finally they go after the Goblin. After a very, very brief fight, that’s only slightly less embarrassing than the last one, they take the magic eight ball that he has and destroy it, rendering all his power useless.

However, it turns out that Mykan still has the essence of Elizabeth with him. He orders his underwater base to self-destruct, because like car crash that’s his answer for everything, and the heroes start to panic. Kefka throws the flask on the ground shattering it, dooming Elizabeth. And this thought just occured to me… What did he want Elizabeth’s energy for anyway? Was he going to clone her so she could fuck him? Anyway, what are our heroes going to do?

“Look there!” said James pointing at the timer. “Dr. Franklin told me about this. The whole base will explode once that timer runs out.”

I think I just wasted my entire supply of booze in that one sentence that was so stupid.

Anyway, the base rises to the surface and lifeboats magically appear for our heroes to make it out before it explodes. There’s some bullshit about Mykan being redeemed through the power of friendship or some such nonsense… Just read it…

Paul's eyes widened as Samuel went on.


“Paul, I have not forgotten the way Mother and Father mistreated you. It was because of me that you ended up like this.”


“I always believed that we would reunite one day, but never like this brother. Though we are different in some ways that changes nothing…”

“We are still brothers, we share the same blood and name… WE ARE FAMILY!!!”


Paul finally dropped his sword. “We… we are family?” he asked to himself. “Even after all that I've done?”


James and Sarah had over heard the whole thing while coming back to fetch them both.


Finally, Paul knew what he had to do. He raised a gun and fired a dart into Samuel's neck.


James and Sarah saw him hit the floor, but why would Paul tranquilize him like that?


The building was beginning to break up, and the emergency exits were sealing shut.


“SELF-DESTRUCT IN 60 seconds… and counting!!!”






“Hurry!” he said, “Take him and get to safety.” James nodded and picked up Samuel, and slipped under the doorway.


After Sarah had gotten outside, she saw that Paul had not followed them, she looked inside the window.


“Uncle Paul!!” she shouted, “Are you not coming with us?”


Paul shook his head, “For the first time in my life, I shall do the right thing!” he shouted back.

Look, Mykan didn’t give a shit about his own redemption scene, why the fuck should I?

The Green Goblin is impaled on his own glider, the Sandman is defeated with water, Kefka destroys this world because everyone in it is a drooling idiot for crying over the psychopath that tried to murder them and this story has a epilogue that answers no questions like how did the magic eight ball appear and what was it to being with? What happened to all the advance technology that was used during that time line and how did it change world history? Or why EVERY FUCKING IDIOT IN THIS FUCKING STORY IS CRYING OVER THE FUCKING TERRORIST THAT TRIED TO MURDER THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD?!

This story sucked!


The story is completely absurd with the most obnoxious stretch to justify putting it in some kind of series I’ve ever seen. Why the hell did this need to be a Liberty’s Kids story of all fucking things?

There’s really no interaction with the characters that are even remotely important. James, Henri and Sarah are all pretty much untouched by the end of it.  Even Sarah’s mother is spared by the end, so what was the fucking point?

Oh, yeah, didn’t I mention that, it turns out that Mykan was pulling a prank on the heroes and destroyed a flask that had sea water in it and the only reason the heroes were able to save Sarah’s mother was because one of the character’s just happened to have stumbled across the real one.

How fucking convenient.

The only character he interacts with his the brother, Samuel, and I don’t remember ever seeing him in the show.

He doesn’t even do anything with George Washington except kidnap his wife. But he could have kidnapped any president’s wife, it would have made as much of a difference. Frankly, it makes less to have the story take place in 1782 since nothing that happens in the story is the slightest bit realistic in terms of people reacting to fancy space magic before the photograph was even invented.

Not that the Liberty’s Kids characters or the historical figures are that interesting anyway in this story, you could have replaced all their names with blank slots and it wouldn’t have changed anything.

The writing is by far the weakest and possibly the laziest I’ve seen in a Mykan story. A bad fight scene is exhausting, yes, but it is far preferable to just putting a song to where the fight should go, as if you are trying to protect our young, innocent, stupid minds from the array of violence that is about to take place. Or you just couldn’t be asked to conjure up an interesting or creative battle taking place. Be like if the final battle of Lord of the Rings was replaced with the intermission scene from Monty Python.

Is there anything good about this?

Actually, there kind of is…

Now, before all of you start looking up assassins for hire, let me explain. I don’t like this story. Far from it, but there is an interesting bit in the story that brought me a lot of joy. And which I should share with you all.

The main villain.

Surprisingly, the villain in this story was the best thing about this story, in that it’s merely bad. The villain is a bit bipolar switching from depressing, boring Mykan which made me want to slam my head against the keyboard until ‘asdfghjkl;’ was tattooed across my face. And the crazy villain who was so cartoonishly evil that it was kind of silly. And the latter is what I really enjoyed.

I imagine this is what Mykan thinks a Joker-like villain would act like. Someone just so batshit crazy, you can’t help but enjoy him because of how over-the-top he is. His plan makes no sense, he has no focus on what his end goal is, and really flops between being evil and being annoying.

I like this villain when he’s not trying to be Mykan. I like him when he’s trying to be just a batshit crazy villain, like he’s trying to out ham Skeletor. If this were a live movie, he’d be played by Tim Curry, with everyone else being played by cardboard boxes. That’s how much he steals the show.

It’s still bad, with all the things that Mykan typically has in his stories and complimenting it is like saying out of all the piles of dogshit that I’ve stuck my head in, this one has the least amount of diarrhea.

But, what I’m trying to pass like a really large kidney stone is a…

A recommendation. View it, just for the villain and pretty much nothing else.

It’s batshit crazy enough to enjoy it, even if the story soils itself by the end and what was adorably funny just ends up smelling horribly.

So, that was another week in the world of Mykanuary. I hope you enjoyed it and-

Sir, next week is your 100th review!

… It is? … Huh? I guess we ought to do something special for that…

Do not worry, sir. I have already got it planned out. I have found a story that fans have begged for since this Mykanuary began.

Oh, really? What’s that?

…

…

…

OH GOD!


Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

NEXT WEEK! THE CRITIQUE’S 100TH REVIEW! WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20TH! FOR ONE OF THE MOST INFAMOUS MYKAN STORIES OF ALL TIME!

100th REVIEW

… Wow… 100… I have done 100 of these things… And you know … It’s been pretty awesome. Okay, yeah, I have read some stories that make me want to consider blinding myself, but overall, I’ve enjoyed this experience and I hope to continue to do so, even long after the show My Little Pony has ended. And it will eventually. Because things change.

But you all aren’t here to hear about me, you’re here because you are interested in hearing what kind of story I have planed for today.

Well, ever since I did the first Mykan-uary, it was brought to my attention that I hadn’t done a fic that many call Mykan’s worst. Even worse than My Little Space Unicorn of Starfleet. Sadly, I did not find the fic in question the first year I did this. I had heard about it and was familiar with how infamous it was, but had never actually looked at it.

I had tried to find it on various sites, but searches came up empty. However, that did not stop me from searching for it for an entire year, in preparation for the second year I would do this. And after months and months of searching, I finally found it. I finally found the fic, that was so hated that it became one of the most despised Teen Titan fanfics of all time.

Things Change and The End … The Musical

A lot of you are probably familiar with the Teen Titans off the famous T.V show. For those who aren’t, I will keep this brief since I talked about it already last year. Beast Boy and Terra, two of the superheroes in the show, had a romance between them when Terra was tempted by the darkseid and she was lost to the Titans. She eventually returned, but in the show Terra had moved on and despite Beast Boy begging for her to come back to him, she refused saying that she didn’t want that life anymore.

Mykan was pissed and wrote his own version of how the story ended. This story. It’s actually a direct sequel to the story I read a year ago. In that story, a character named Mykan appeared and told the Titans that he could drink from his magical spring to make them stronger. And… that’s it…

Yeah, it was a pretty sad, boring fic.

You’ll pretty much see that Mykan, like other fans of the show, was upset with the ending of the Teen Titans show. Most of those fans have moved on by now. Mykan has not. Stating that he is still tortured by nightmares about how Terra and Beast Boy still aren’t together, writing these stories as a way to sleep at night.

I’m not sure whether this is true or not, but I’m not here to judge that. I’m here to judge the story on it’s own merits.

So, let’s get started because we have got a lot of story to go through.

Our story begins with the Teen Titans chasing after their archenemy, Slade. Sort of like they did in the first fic. Well, at least we can see the writing and plot pointing hasn’t evolved at all.

Slade only sniggered, “You really think you have out-bested me child…?”

Just then, Raven, Copy-Cat, Cyborg, and Beast boy dropped down, surrounding him. “Maybe not alone, but we all can.” Copy-Cat sneered. They were soon joined by Robin and Starfire, and all seven Titans attacked all at once…

Cyborg blasted him hard with his Sonic-Cannon. “BLARGH…!” followed by Beast-Boy ramming into him like a bull. “OOH…!”

“Azarath… Metrione… ZINTHOS!” Raven cast a dark wave of energy to ensnare Slade, rendering him defenseless allowing Robin with his staff, and Copy-Cat with his X-men claws, to beat Slade to a pulp.

In the end, Slade was brought to justice after all these years and the city held a great big banquet and congratulations ceremony to honor the heroes…

Well, that’s it for the 100th review. Nice and short ,wasn’t it? See you all in a year.

Alright, alright… just because I like you guys…

So, yeah… It actually turns out that this entire fight scene with Slade was a hologram created by our good friend, who is now adding Wolverine to his repertoire. How long do you think it is before he steals the TARDIS from Doctor Who?

All seven of the Titans hadn't really beaten Slade at all, and nothing that just happened actually happened. They were all strapped into strange chairs, with lots of wires and gear attached to them, and they all worse helmets and goggles.

No, dude, trust me, the worst is yet to come.

The Titans were really at the tower-lab of Beast-Boy's friend, the old scientist, Nobel Von-Richter, who invented the BIGRAT which changed Beast-Boy into his alter-ego; Garfield Logan, super genius, and where his magic singing-voice came from.

Yeah, if you’re a tad confused here because you’re joining us. Richter, or as I call him, Rick-ter, because that’s how Mykan wants it pronounced, in case you make the mistake of calling Celestia, Chill-estia, is a scientist who was introduced and where events took place in a story, that I have not reviewed yet. Something I will get back to someday.

And I know this not because everyone expected me to do this fic instead of that one and you only find out the week before and you planned two weeks to prepare for this one and you start to panic because you only have a week to throw this one together and you hope to Celestia that it doesn’t suck because it’s your 100th one and you can’t fuck it up whatsoever!

… Have I mentioned how much I love you guys?

The Titans are amazed with Doctor Rick-ter’s machine and what it can do, asking what it is.

Von-Richter chuckled, “I already `ave told you dear. Zis is zee “Vat-If-Machine.”

In his accent, he meant to say, “What-If-Machine.”

Thank you, Mykan. Why don’t you just translate all of his dialogue for us, in case we’re too stupid to figure it out?

Basically it’s a machine that can show any number of infinite possibilities and any number of alternate timelines. I am almost hoping for Crisis on Infinite Earths to happen and the whole universe can reboot into something far less stupid.

And in typical Mykan fashion, Rick-ter decides to sing about his machine.

I’m going to skip the songs because I could basically post the song as a youtube video and it would change nothing, but instead, I’m going to sing my own songs in the same fashion as Mykan does. That being with very little musical accompaniment as well as the only thing to back it up being a youtube video of the original song and lyrics.

Dumb, you say? Well, yeah! That’s why it’s funny! I’ll spare you from every song Mykan does, I do one. Believe me, if I did that, you would honestly make a drinking game out of it.

Beast Boy, however, is really afraid of the big, bad machine and doesn’t want to see any possible futures. And Robin says the dumbest thing this opening chapter has to offer.

The other four could tell what Beast-Boy was thinking of too. “Beast-Boy, you don't have to ask it, if you don't want to.” Robin said, “But remember… if your afraid of something, sometimes you have to stand and face it.”

You don’t have to face it, but we’ll all make fun of you if you don’t. Why are you the leader again?

Von-Richter started the system, and just before he threw the switch he asked the machine through a mic… “Vat if Garfield und Terra never got back togezer…?”

In other words, “What if Beats-Boy and Terra never got back together after Things Change?” The power level rose to high, and Von-Richter threw the switch causing a flash of bright light to flare, and the Titans went completely silent and remained perfectly still… as the alternate version began to simulate.

I don’t know who this Beats-Boy is, but he sounds a lot more interesting than any character in this story. I would totally follow a superhero who is totally dope.

And yes, this story, every event in this entire story… is all a hologram. A hologram that will never happen in this reality. Why? Because it’s basing itself off a premise that doesn’t and will not happen in this universe! Therefore, there is nothing at stake because the main characters aren’t in any danger! It’s not real! We know it’s not real! So the threat isn’t real! Thus, the story has no purpose! It has no reason to exist! And yet, here it is! All 23 fucking chapters of it! I could honestly end the review right here! But I already tried that and it didn’t go so well, so let’s just try to get through this and see if I can give a shit by the end!

I sincerely doubt it though!

Our story truly begins with Beast Boy and Terra’s last moments together. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I was actually satisfied with the ending of Things Change. I know a lot of fans were upset at it. I understand that. They claim that Terra was kind of cruel to break Beast Boy’s heart as she did. I won’t deny that there was a bit of cruelty, but not because she was out to get him. She didn’t want that life because she was afraid of her powers and rightfully so. Her powers caused destruction and death whenever she tried to make a difference with them.

So, for me, this seemed to fit her character better, wanting to forget and have just a normal life. Almost willing away her powers, if she even has them at all. This to me, made sense, considering what she had been through and the choices she made.

Many people don’t see it that way, and you are certainly entitled to that opinion. You are even allowed to make fanfictions about them. Just be prepared if they are not good for the shit storm. And I’ve had plenty of burritos leading up to this moment.

The final scene is repeated in a pretty faithful fashion. Well, save for the melodramatic part.

“Things Change, Beast-Boy! The girl you want me to be is just a memory.”

They stood at opposite-sides of the bright window, gazing deeply at one another, like cowboys ready to draw. Beast-Boy had a very comical look on his face as if his heart had stopped beating. After Robin had called and told him to come and help the team fight-off the White Monster, he tried one last time to persuade the only girl he ever loved, and ever could love…

“Come with me…”

She shook her head, “You go. You're the Teen Titan. That's who you are. That's not me. I'm not a hero… I'm not out to save the world. I'm just a girl with a geometry test next period and I haven't studied.”

The bell rang, and she disappeared in the crowd of students, officially shattering his heart into pieces too small to fit back together again. “Beast-Boy to Robin… I'll be right there! Over.” He said in a very despondent voice, and he dashed out of the building leaving only a trail of angry and miserable tears in the wind as he ran.

Yeah, it gets pretty melodramatic here as Beast Boy cries like a baby because ‘Tewwa doesn’t wove me! Why doesn’t she wike me?! Wah, wah wah!”

With Beast-Boy there to sniff out where the White-Monster was hiding, even if he merged with other elements, the Titans had won and the monster was captured and taken off to prison. The other four Titans…

Excluding Copy-Cat, whom they had not yet met…

Thank you for that insight, Mykan. Anything else you want to tell us? Like when you combined letters together they make words?! Or is that too much for us?!

After Terra tells him to shove off, in a very nice way, thank you, Beast Boy starts crying endlessly about how ‘Life is pain’ and everything you’d expect him to in a Mykan story. Because as we all know, Mykan characters are just people who want to cut themselves each and everyday. And in these stories, we wish they would!

Beast-Boy had gone to the underground caverns and sat by Terra's pedestal, he Statue still missing, and the plaque that read, “Terra! A Teen Titan. A True Friend.” IT was pretty much one of the only things he had left of her, apart from her bedroom at the tower.

His tears just wouldn't stop falling, but he couldn't sob as it hurt way too much. IT wasn't just the loss of Terra that was eating him up… it was his entire life.

How he got sick when he was less than five years old, and being mutated. Then losing his parents in a boating accident, and his many foster families after that, leaving him alone and unloved for no reason.

Nobody showed him care, and respect, and he spent a great deal in the streets and nearly killed by ruthless people if weren't for the Doom Patrol, but even that didn't last as Mento's slime-ball attitude forced him to be expelled. Then came the Titans, and how he used bad jokes and mischief for really hiding the inner pain in his life…

Wow… That’s pretty rough, Beast Boy. Almost as rough as watching your parent’s murdered in front of you, raised by a psychotic to fight his war, never being good enough for him, having a falling out with the only father figure you have, essentially losing both of your fathers.

Or how about being the daughter of a demon that has caused untold destruction upon countless worlds? With the only purpose for your existence is being that you are the vessel in which he will come into your home world and destroy everything you hold dear?

… Yeah, the other Titans have it pretty bad too. Now, I’m not saying that Beast Boy’s pain shouldn’t be given attention, but this almost sounds like his pain is the only one that matters. Well, to Mykan it does, but we’ll get back to that.

No one in the city appreciated him… particularly Terra's two new friends.

Jackie: “She's not interested”

And Jillian: “Yeah… get lost, Brat-Boy!”

Meet the demon twins who work for Princess Cadance. They were hired by her to reform the Takari alliance so they could rain down destruction and pain on Mykan by ringing his doorbell and then running away before he gets there. Making him look really silly. Much sillier than when he tortures a cartoon horse for getting married.

He wouldn't come out to play. Not even when the Titans came and invited him out. Occasionally they would knock on the door and ask if he was okay, and he would simply reply with, “Yeah…” or, “I'm okay.” When in actuality, he wasn't and the others knew it too.

He… wouldn’t come out to play?! … Mykan… You know these aren’t the characters from Teen Titans Go, right? They can act like teenagers. Why do the teenagers act like children?! And the children act like teenagers?! Can you not read numbers?! Does 15 look like a five standing next to an ‘I’?

The Titans don’t seem to be doing much better as they try to figure out how to get to Beast Boy. And rather than just trying to talk to him like anyone would normally do, they do the stupidest thing.

Robin began to wonder if maybe Beast-Boy was starting to lose him mind over Terra, and that's when he asked Raven if maybe she could tap into his subconscious and look at the problem…

“I can't…” Raven was sorry to say. “I tried, but his emotions are too strong for me to penetrate through. I can't focus hard enough.”

Because invading someone’s personal space makes much more sense! No wonder he doesn’t fucking talk to you! You are terrible friends! Go watch Friendship is Magic or something!

Beast Boy goes out and does what anyone with a problem with a girl would do. Stalk her of course. Something that the spawns of Satan do not find attractive.

She really wished he wouldn't do that, but at least he wasn't trying to convince her to come back to the Titans. “What's the matter, Terra?” asked Jackie.

Terra: Oh, there’s just this guy stalking me.

Jackie: You ought to get a restraining order. Or call the police.

Terra: Look, it’s not like he’s watching me in the shower or watching me in my sleep.

Jackie: Oh, well that makes it okay then.

“Wait don't tell me…” Jillian said, “You're thinking about that green Brat-Boy again, aren't ya?”

“His name is Beast-Boy!” Terra scolded.

“Whatever…” replied Jillian. “That little brat needs to learn a lesson.”

Jackie agreed, “If he ever comes stalking you again, we'll show him.”

Now, remember everyone, these are the characters we’re supposed to hate. Yeah, I find that hard to believe too.

It was just no good. He couldn't let go. The more he tried not to think of Terra, and his life, the more it tormented him. He was starting to feel more angry than sad now. IT just wasn't fair… everyone… even the other Titans got to enjoy the sweet pleasure of life while he always got indigestion.

Every time he though he was finally gaining happiness, it slipped away and left him with nothing. He only wished-- No, to him wishing was wrong. He prayed that there was someway he could get Terra to come to her senses and come back to the team, and come back to him…

Yeah… get used to the whine fest people, there is 22 chapters of it coming our way and it never fucking stops! If Mykan could generate energy from whining, he could power all of America for about 60 years, maybe 100 if you show him images of Princess Cadance and Terra making out in front of Beast Boy.

Beast Boy goes to a milkshake place where he drinks enough to make himself sick and ‘drunk’ I guess. When Terra walks in. And I can only imagine the dialogue here, with Terra being written by someone else because Mykan can’t think the way that Terra wants him to think. That or he just took lines from other people trying to convince him that things change. Either way, it’s more plausible than him coming up with them himself.

Beast-Boy crushed his half full shake in his hand, but he didn't say a word. “Beast-Boy… we all have to accept change, and I know you can too… but you have to stop torturing yourself like this and move on.”

“Move on…?” Beast-Boy snapped, “Move on…! Move on to what? I've got nothing to move on too.”

Terra winced at his sharp tone, but she felt her own anger starting to spike again. “Well I'm sorry your feeling this way… but you'll just have to accept it.”

Beast-Boy ruffled his hair angrily, “You just don't get it, do you? I thought we were meant to be, my one chance to find a ray of sunshine, but how could it be wrong?”

“I don't know…” Terra said, “It just is, and if I can accept it, so can you.”

Why is it that the girl we’re supposed to hate is making far more sense than the character we’re supposed to like?!

But Beast Boy is able to win her over with a song about how much his life sucks and how I want to suck the life right out of him so that his life won’t suck anymore because there won’t be anything left to suck!

I’d like to get the pointless song counter out, just to give you guys an idea of how much I get to skip of this story.

Song Counter: 2

Unbeknownst to Beast Boy and Terra, the Olsen Twins are plotting in the corner.

What she and Beast-Boy didn't notice, was Jackie and Jillian had seen them in the café together, and decided, “Tomorrow…”

“That kid's goin' down.”

Cadance: Go, my servants. Summon the football team and order them to beat up that green Brat-Boy!

The next day… Beast-Boy had not come out of his room, as usual.

The Titans had invited him out to the gone to the theme-park on the docks, but he didn't even answer them indicating he wasn't in the mood.

Or that he had hung himself. At this point, I would be okay with that.

Beast Boy comes out of his room after everyone is gone and wonders if sneaking into Raven’s bedroom and looking through her underwear drawer- I mean, spellbooks would get his mind off Terra.

Oh, good, so running through people’s private property is subject to all of the Titans. Good to know for later.

As he probes through Raven’s stuff, he finds a book with the Punisher symbol on it.

Yes, that one. And decides that, the book with the scary skull on it is probably safe to use without permission. Right! And the Necronomicon is just such a trustworthy name!

Raven and the gang return home from the theme park early. Which begs the question, why would Raven go when she hates that kind of thing, but whatever, that’s the least of this story’s problems. When she finds out that Beast Boy had been going through her stuff. Something that she doesn’t take kindly about.

The next thing Beast-Boy knew, the Titans were scolding him badly for invading Raven's privacy, as well as mixing up her books. “You could've unleashed something…!” Raven growled, “and worse… you touched the Dark Prognosticus!”

Yes, the Dark Prognosticus he’s referring to is the same one from Super Paper Mario. Now, I am willing to let it slide if this is something different and new with this idea. A story about prophecies. Now, admittedly, I’ve never played the Paper Mario this story is copying from, so I can’t tell you what it is directly copying and what it isn’t.

Still, I have read up on the wiki, which I still understand is not the same as playing the game, so I do know a bit about it. With that said, let’s continue. Raven says that the book was created by Trigon when he was in power. However, with Trigon’s defeat, the book is now in Raven’s possession since it can’t be destroyed.

If it’s supposed to be dangerous, why is it not kept in a better safe than an unlocked suitcase under Raven’s bed? I guess this is the alternate universe where everyone’s brain is on holiday. Though having read the other story, I’m not convinced that they were coming back anytime soon.

The Titans try to figure out why Beast Boy is upset, but they are blocked by the usual ‘I’m not being a dick enough yet. Must be at least this much of a dick before can accept friendship.’

Beast-Boy winced, and tried to speak up for himself, but the other Titans were clearly on Raven's side. “Just don't do this again Beast-Boy.” Robin said. But I wish you'd tell us what's wrong with you.”

Beast-Boy gasped hard at that statement, as if he had just been insulted deep down inside. “Yo' man, we want to help you… but your not makin' it any easier.”

“Friend… will you not confide in us?” added Starfire, but Beast-boy just left in a huff. “You guys can't help me! No one can!” he scoffed.

A long silence followed, the Titans never saw him this angry before. If only they knew what was wrong with him…

He’s the main character in a Mykan story. It be enough to drive anyone nuts.

Beast Boy continues to stalk Terra, even though she explicitly told him not to, but I guess Mykan thinks that women find this hot or something. And like I said with Princess Cadance, the football team comes and beats the shit out of him.

Beast-Boy felt someone grab him from behind. Two other students from the school were gazing at him right in the eye “Hiya doin' pal…?” POW! Right in his chest, Beast-Boy skidding across the concrete ground. “Dude…! What's your problem?”

The other bully placed his foot on his chest, “It's nothing personal kid. We were hired to do this, we're gonna beat the crap out of ya.” and he kicked him hard.

I’m Beats-Boy, mother fucker! And I’m here ta break out da jams, ya dig? I start with ‘Beat it’.

My new favorite superhero.

Terra sees Beast Boy getting the ever loving snot beat out of him, again, by the football team, she goes and tries to stop it herself rather than going to the police. After which, one of the bullies actually fucking attacks her. Not just shove her off him, I mean, straight up fucking punches her in the face.

“Keep out of this, Blondie!” and he punched her hard in the face sending her skidding right into a pile of garbage cans.

So, in this world full of assholes, who are we supposed to root for? … Give me a second.

Okay. I’m good now.

Why is your mane wet?

Shower…

Why do you smell like urine?

Research.

Never mind. Keep me out of it.

His anger had spiked, and he felt his head aching in sheer pain as his eyes began to glow. “OHH… AAH… NO…!”

“Aw, Baby-Boy gonna cry…!” Jackie mocked,

Um… Shining Twins… Did you not just notice your fucking friend being hit by one of the guys you ‘hired’ to kick Beast Boy’s ass?! Oh, wait, I forgot, they are just there to brainwash her from getting together with Beast Boy. It makes about as much sense as anything else you're about to see.

but suddenly both she, and Jillian felt Beast-Boy's body was growing. Terra looked up and saw Beast-Boy as his clothes shredded and he transformed into this huge werewolf creature…

Yep… Not content with Wolverine, he’s almost turning into the Hulk. Don’t believe me, he literally says it.

Garfield Logan…

Beast-Boy, of the Teen Titans.

Search for a way to prove his worth to his teammates in a battle with the villain, Adonis. Then an accidental exposure of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.

And now when Beast-Boy grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs beyond his control.

THE INCREDIBLE BEAST

Did you ever wonder what a story would look like if someone kept interrupting every five fucking sentences to tell you something that you already knew or something useless. Well, that’s what this story feels like. It’s just telling us things that have no relevance to what is going on or stuff that we already know.

Also, forget this Hulking-out moment because it never comes back again. It’s only here for this one scene and never comes up again! For that matter, why did this need to be a Hulk moment? Was Beast Boy lashing out in frustration and anger in his normal animal morphing body too realistic? Was it too difficult to have Beast Boy do this horrible thing and still make him likable? Was the Hulk seeing how much you were paying Spider-Man and the X-Men to use their likeness and he wanted in on that action?

Anyway, he attacks the bullies and nearly offs them when the Titans show up and stop him. Ooo, is this going to be a story where Beast Boy finally realizes that when one of those kids are dead, that he can’t abuse his powers like that and has to live with this kid’s death for the rest of his

Youtube Video

Look, it’s been a long month, I’m almost out of booze, and I’m still on chapter fucking three of this piece of shit!

And of course, rather than now do something sane like get the poor kid some fucking professional help, they decide to threaten him instead.

“Beast-Boy… this is your last chance.” Robin sneered, “If you cause anyone anymore trouble, I'll put you in jail myself!” he thundered.

Beast-Boy tried to vogue for his actions, but the moment he mentioned Terra's name. “What's got in to you, man?” Cyborg sneered.

“You are behaving like a royal Zarbnorf, again!” growled Starfire.

You know… With friends like these… Who needs Slade?

Raven had nothing to say and turned her head away. Beast-Boy realized that the Titans officially did not care about him or his feelings anymore. “Fine! Who needs who you guys?” and he stormed off to his room and didn't come out for the rest of the night.

“We have… upset him?” Starfire asked.

“Let it go…” Raven said, “If he wants to act like a spoiled brat, then let him.”

Cyborg agreed, “The kid's gotta' learn to grow-up, and learn to move on.”

You know what, considering the douchebag that Beast Boy is acting, that’s probably a good move. Kind of a metaphor really.

And as if a song couldn’t make him more unlikable, how about a letter about how nasty the Titans are and how they just don’t understand and how life was so much better when Terra waved her rocks at me.

Fuck you, that was an actual joke.

Song Count: 3

Dear Titans…

“Wait… that's too formal.” The thought, and so he tried again…

Dear team…

“Ugh… too friendly.” He tried one more time.

Dear Lynch-mob…

“Yeah! That's it.”

I have been mistreated and shot down for crimes I didn't commit. Shot down and abused by the people I THOUGHT were my friends, whom I could trust.

You say I'm crazy… but the way you guys have been treating me ever since I saw Terra, as well as badly scolding me unjustly… I wonder who's really crazy.

“Dude… that's sweet…”

I have come to realize that you care nothing about me or my feelings. Even after all the great things I have done for you before. “And Tell Raven not to say I haven't”

I regret to say that after the events that have been happening, I'm afraid that we are no longer a team. I'll never find happiness in life, and things won't get better if I stay here in the city with you guys, and a girl who no longer wishes to be with me or us…

By the time you read this sentence… I will be long gone. Who knows where, and who cares, you guys don't. Now you won't have to worry about me anymore. I'll try and make it through life somehow… but I never wish to see any of you ever again.

Goodbye…

Good luck…

And Good Riddance…!

“Beast-Boy.”

Have fun starving to death, you little prick. I hope the supervillain mob send us the corpse, so we can whizz on it.

The Titans get the letter and realize that Beast Boy is upset.

And rather than showing the search for Beast Boy, why don’t we sing a song about it to cover up the fact that I have no idea what to put here?

Song Count: 4

Still they searched all over…

“Beast-Boy…?”

“Friend… it is I Starfire… Where are you about?”

“Yo! Where are ya, man?”


“Beast-Boy…!”

(Cyborg's voice)

You can't take no for an answer!

You can't take no for an answer!

You can't take no for an answer!

No, no, no.

Whenever there's a dream worth a-dreaming (dreaming!)

And you wanna see that dream come true (dream come true!)

There'll be plenty people talking

"Forget all about it"

Say "it isn't worth the trouble--

All the trouble that you're going through!" (it ain't worth it-NO!)

Well, what can you do?

You can't take no for an answer!

You can't take no for an answer!

You can't take no for an answer!

No, no, no.

You can't take no for an answer! (you can't take no)

You can't take no for an answer! (no,no,no ,no)

You can't take no for an answer!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Whatcha gonna do when the dimes get tough

and the world's treating you unkind?

You gotta hang on to your optimistic outlook

And keep possession of your positive state-of-mind

(state of mind, state of mind, state of mind, state, state, mind!)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

…

Starfire flew past the Murakami School, “Beast-Boy…?” she called. “Beast-Boy where are you at…?”

I am not kidding you! That is the entire scene of them looking for Beast Boy! I shit you not! Just a long ass song where ‘no’ is said 81 times! I fucking counted! Can I just pretend this scene has relevance and go back to someone less pretentious? … I know it’s a Mykan story, but I need to hold onto some kind of hope.

As it said, Starfire ends up flying past the school where Terra is and Terra, apparently having superhuman hearing, overhears Beast Boy is missing during class, while she’s in the building!

By the time school was out, Terra was really in over her head. The news had reported that it was true, Beast-Boy really had left the city. “Well what do you know…?” cracked Jackie. “The greenie ran away.”

You know… Wouldn’t letting people know that a superhero has disappeared be that last thing on the Titan's mind? I mean, I get wanting people to help search for him, but what about the supervillain and criminal population? I don’t think Metropolis announces when Superman is going on vacation.

She never expected anyone would so upset over change before… but then again this was Beast-Boy she was thinking of; whenever things changed, something happened to him, and it was always disastrous.

… I have no joke there. I just think that’s funny.

Beast Boy continues to journey by himself looking for a way to cure the monster within him while a piano plays a really sad song in the background. A car or two passes by him as he holds out his thumb for a lift, but they simply drive on. Again, he continues to walk down the lonely road. For a lonely man. I think I’ve heard this in a T.V show once… I just wish I remembered which one.

Beast-Boy had sure traveled far for just a few hours. Flying through the skies, taking time to give him arms a break and walk along the road, where he would begin to hitchhike.

(Lonely man Piano song)

Unfortunately, no one would stop for him, not even if they were heading in the same direction he was and if they had room to spare. Beast-Boy could read the lips and expressions of the drivers, they were either laughing “The green boy” or just no interested. “Let him get his own ride.”

Impressive that he can read their expression when they are traveling at about 60 miles per hour or so.

Beast-Boy also had no money left, he spent a lot when he drank all those milkshakes. Luckily he didn't have to worry about food. He found some fields with lushing green grass he could eat like a cow, literally… or snack on some leaves like a caterpillar, literally.

We get it, he can transform into animals. Thank you very much.

It was already dark by the time the titans got back to the tower, their bodies ached fro all their search. They must had covered every square inch of Jump-City and had no luck to where Beast-Boy was.

Oh, boy. Searching for our friend was so very tiring… Man, almost as tiring as retaking the world from the devil.

The Titans finally discover that Terra is in fact alive and that Beast Boy was telling the truth. Naturally, rather than letting her live her own life, they decide that the best thing to do would be to pester her until she reveals the location of Beast Boy, which she wouldn’t know, but hey, none of the characters have used intelligent thinking yet, so why start now?

Beast Boy turns in for the night and thinks about all the good things he’s done today.

He even helped the police in a few place apprehend criminals, and even though his efforts were of good intentions and he did help the police, even they were cross with him. “We don't need any green animal freak helping us.”

Oh, good, the part of the story where no matter how many good things the main character does, everybody still hates him. There is literally no reason for the police to hate him, there is no reason why the police don’t want him helping them out, outside vigilante laws. But again, this is the DC Universe; vigilantes are born every other week.

There’s no mention of property damage, death, accidently letting crooks escape. So, this scene literally has no context whatsoever. Could you give us something? Anything?! Or again, would that not make Beast Boy look like a messiah?!

He has some nightmares about how much his life sucks that I’m just going to skip over because it’s just some five years old’s version of ‘People don’t love me. Why don’t people love me?! They can all die in a hole!’

Believe me, I’m sure you’ll get your fill of pretentious whinny teenage angst.

Anyway, the dream makes Beast Boy angry so much that he is able to magically summon the Dark Prognosticus. The Dark Prognosticus tells him that all his dreams will come true if he just turns himself over to the dark side of the force. Because that always works so well.

All he has to do is… Wait… Really?

He grabbed the book, and then what he did was… he found a gorge in the valley he was sleeping in. a very deep one. So deep down, the river below look like puddle for ants. Beast-Boy took a step to the ledge, and gulped hard.

Is this it?

The wind blew past his face and through his hair. “Tallyho…!” he cried, and JUMPED! He tried his best not to scream, and to resist the urge to change into a bird and fly out at the last minute. The ground was racing toward him from below fast…

He’s going to do it!

The only thing that kept him going was the fact that he was doing this to make things better. Much better! “DUDE…!!”

… Dude is not the word I would use when jumping off a cliff, but I’m not going to complain because this idiot is…

CRASH!!

His body slammed the muddy ground so hard he actually caused a muddy wave. Then nothing. He lay perfectly still, not moving or breathing, and he was bleeding badly, and his legs were dislocated as well as his arms.

He was finished…!

Yes! Yes! He’s gone! It’s over! This stupid fic is over! Well, that was certainly bad, but not as bad as I’ve heard. No, I heard it was much worse than that. … There’s still 20 more chapters? … No, there isn’t… No, there isn’t… Nooo, there isn’t…

Whole in town, all the Titans, in bed, each shot up with a strange sickening feeling that something terrible just happened. They weren't only ones…

Wherever Terra was living now, she shot straight from her sleep. “Beast-Boy…?” she cried. “Oh my gosh!” she had a really bad feeling.

… Wait… seriously? The whole town? The entire fucking town? The entire fucking town woke up when Beast Boy hit the ground? … You know… there are people who think that Mykan is not at all pretentious. … If you meet one of these people, just show them this. End of argument. This is the most self-important bullshit I have ever seen in a fic. This isn’t the ‘Evil of the Book thing’. No, they immediately think Beast Boy. Is there a word for this level of pompousness? This overblown ego that is so ostentatious that the world has to react to it? Mykanious? Yeah, I’m calling it that. This is Mykanious.

Someone who is so self-important that if the world doesn’t react to what they are doing, no matter how insignificant it is, the world is wrong.

So, the Titans resume the search for Beast Boy. Searching all over town. They then decide to try and find Terra who might know where he is. However, they have no idea how to find her.

Suddenly, they get an alarm that says they are needed, but we aren’t told what.

Meanwhile, Terra, who was pretty firm on her stance to not be the same person she once was, is pretty okay with being emotionally manipulated into falling in love with Beast Boy. Oh, good, because that will make for a strong relationship.

“What's the matter with me…?” she asked herself as she wandered into the woods alone. “I shouldn't be thinking about him. I want to move on… don't I?”

Suddenly she realized maybe she wasn't fighting with her head anymore. She was fighting with her heart. While she didn't want to be a Titan or a hero ever again, did she really want to shun Beast-Boy from it too…?

After all, he made her laugh… he was willing to forgive her when the other Titans weren't, and even when he turned her down himself he STILL believed in her.

“Ohh… this is terrible.” she sighed as she sat on a bench near the pavement

Cue romantic song that makes the girl a hypocrite.

Song Count: 5

Suddenly, a group of mechanical monsters attack the park that Terra is in.

Terra dashed to the park just in team to see nearly half the people fleeing, “What's going on…” she cried. Then suddenly, the ground began to rumble beneath her feet. She jumped out of the way as the ground erupted with such force as something HUGE burst up…

A giant armored creature, with horns and tools, and very sharp teeth, and a deathly growling. Terra was so frightened she couldn't even scream. She ran for it only to have more of these creatures burst up and began to terrorize the park.

It’s Tim, the Toolman, Taylor!

...  Oh, like the jokes in this are that much better?!

Three people then appear and one of them has a very odd quirk about her.

“This is such a wonderful place.

A pity for soon there won't be a trace.”

Rhyming alert! Rhyming alert! Man your battlestations! We have a showy artist on route! Raise the shield! Fire photon torpedos!

The second figure is a knight and the third… well, I think it best to let Mykan describe it.

The third looked like a pompous blonde-bimbo. She seemed to speak in normal sweet teenage voice. “Oohoo… I don't think hurting these people is good thing.” Then she suddenly transformed, kind of like Jekyll and Hyde. Now she looked wicked, and spoke louder, modulated voice, “I think it's a great thing. Heh-ha!”

… Do you think Mykan really cared about this character or… Do you think he just shat out a character hoping that she would be more unlikable than Beast Boy? Rhetorical.

The Titans battle the bimbos, but are badly beaten. This is kind of another trope in Mykan’s stories. The Titans, without Beast Boy, can’t fight their way out of a paper bag. And all the stories I’ve read about the Titans, they’ve never been without Beast Boy. It’s as if he’s the only competent one in the entire series.

And need I remind you, that this is all a virtual simulation created by a machine that just shows you what could have happened, not what actually happened! So, again, this big moment where the Titans are trying to save civilians has no purpose because the civilians are not actually in any danger.

“But Critique,” I hear you say. “If this world isn’t real, wouldn’t that make all your criticisms invalid?”

I respond. “No, because the first and most important thing about a story is investment. If I don’t care what happens because there are no stakes, why the fuck would I read it? And second, that doesn’t change that the characters don’t act intelligently in this alternate version that could really happen and that the characters shouldn’t let it happen. But they act so unrealistically that there is no way they or the audience can relate to it.”

Anyway, Terra and the others students run from the giants that are chasing them, the Titans being apparently too busy with the villains to be of much help. Not that they’d be much help anyway in this story. When suddenly, Beast Boy… oops, spoilers… appears and saves them. Only he doesn’t look like Beast Boy, instead he looks like the gentleman character from the Pokemon games.

Apparently, the gentleman wanting to battle sends the three stooges running off with their tail between their legs. Noting the gentleman, the Titans decide to investigate. However, before they can confront him, Beast Boy disappears.

Meanwhile, in the secret evil lair of the villain, who is totally not Beast Boy, but is in fact…

He spoke in an odd, yet familiar voice that some would recognize. “I… Count Logan am gratefully displeased in you… Medeva… Sir. Vile… and Jacquelyn Hyde.”

Count… Logan? … Bare in mind, for those of you who don’t know, that Beast Boy’s real name… is Garfield Logan. Something that I think is mentioned in the Teen Titans series.

Anyway, Count Logan explains how he is gratefully displeased with his minions. … I’m sorry, what?

Do… Do we not know what certain words mean? You are grateful? Yet, you’re displeased? … Is… Count Logan bipolar?!

Anyway, he’s says he’s pissed that Terra was put in danger… Even though he has no reason to keep her alive because she’s the one who is causing him so much misery. I wish I knew what to say here, but I’m still trying to come up with ways that Mykan thought I could take this plot seriously.

Count Logan summons another henchmen who is half-machine like Cyborg and tells him that the energy needed to activate the machine is nearly completed and that his reign of terror will begin soon.

Meanwhile, back at Titans Tower, a newsreport says that Beast Boy is dead after leaping off a cliff. The Titans are naturally horrified by this and discover that after the body had been identified it turned up missing. It turns out that Mykan stole it as a way to fuck the body every time he wanted to. Oh, come on, you know that’s not the worst thing he’s ever done.

“The body of Beast-Boy was transferred to the morgue of the hospital, only to be discovered to be missing some hours later, with no indication or record that anyone had removed it.”

Now the Titans were confused. If Beast-Boy was dead, and nobody moved his body, how did it go missing…

Maybe somebody stole it!

The Doom Patrol, a team of superheroes who Beast Boy used to be a part of, contacts the Titans asking if they had heard the sad news.

Well, sad depending on where you’re standing. Is it sad because in reality, Beast Boy isn’t dead? Fuck no. In fact, why does this story even exist to being with?! I know I asked that question already, but I still am not satisfied with the answer.

Terra also heard about Beast-Boy… except the part where his body had gone missing. When she heard he was dead, and that he had jumped off a gorge… Let's just say see deserved the award for “Most devastated person.”

I’m sorry… Was that a joke? Because if it was, IT WASN’T VERY FUNNY!

He died because of what she had done. So in a sense it was really she who killed him. She only wanted Beast-Boy move on with his life… not actually MOVE ON. She closed her eyes letting her tears fall, “My fault…!” she sobbed ever so softly. “It's my fault.”

Why is it your fault?! He’s the one who fucking jumped! It’s not like you pushed him!

At the lost of Beast Boy, Terra admits that she was in love with him, but has to sing a song about it first. Which she already did, but whatever.

Song Count: 6

Meanwhile, in the castle of evil, Count Logan goes on a rant about how much he wants to destroy all known universe. Why? Oh, we’ll get there. But it’s not like everyone already knows. Still, I figure I ought to save this one.

We then have a kid who tells us about a black hole. Don’t bother naming the kid and don’t bother worrying about him. He just tells us exposition that could have been told another way. Like, I don’t know, the main fucking characters!

So, the Doom Patrol finally arrive at Titans Tower to share their grief with the Titans reminiscing about the good times they had with Beast Boy-

I’m just kidding, they whine about how they ‘mistreated’ him.

Mento sighed, “Ohh… I hate seeing Rita like that. It breaks my heart even more.”

“Hey, man… can you blame her…?” Cyborg asked. “BB was like a son to you guys.”

“Yeah he sure was…” sighed Robot-man. “I just wish we hadn't been so hard on the little guy in the past. He drove himself crazy to find and protect us, and all we gave him was grief.”

Nobody knew what to do, they didn't dare hold up a funeral for Beast-Boy, because for one thing… they still were questioning if he really was dead. The Doom Patrol did find him dead, but it didn't make sense to how his body just vanished.

Don’t we already have enough of these teenage angst stories?! I’m really starting to hate them!

Youtube Video

I would have thought in the average story, that my character would not suck balls! Yet, this prick… whines about things that are not important! Why is there so much angst?!

Sir, please, you’re getting upset. Please relax for a spell. Think of your temper…

Oh, fuck my temper! It’s already blown! By this sally sob dick!

I know, that he does, Because otherwise there’d be effort put into this repetitive title. He only knows how to write characters that just mope.

I think I should be on dope!

What do you mean?

I mean, it’s always whine this… whine that .... where is the plot?

It should be noted that everything happens because the character is sad. Or is it, the storyteller who is feeling depressed?

It’s the author, clearly.

I know, that was simply a question meant to be rhetorical!

If he’d just give a damn, if he wrote with love, and not for pity, and just told a good story.

But we know that he’ll never change his ways ever, and maybe it’s best, that he writes this alone, watch his shows, read your reviews, have the miserable time of his life, I could even grab a knife!

… Wow, that got dark…

Apologies, sir.

… Well, anyway…

Anyway, Starfire then gets a call from her home planet that says that they are in trouble. The Teen Titans look at a map of Tameran, and see that piece are missing from it. I assume it to be the black hole… which they should be able to see the gravitational force that’s causing it…

But as we’ve proven, Mykan could care less about science.

The Doom Patrol decides to join them, not out of the goodness of their hearts, but because Beast Boy would have wanted that. I can see why Beast Boy left the selfish pricks!

The fly out to Tameran, I guess it being the planet next door, since it takes them about 15 minutes to get there, when they are suddenly attacked by the robot henchmen, who I’m not going to name, because I don’t care.

Suddenly, something had hit the T-Ship. BOOM! They began to spin and tumble on all three axis. “WHOA…!”

“What was that?” asked Mento.

“My guess… him?” cried Raven. Everyone glanced out of starboard and could see a half man, half machine, but unlike Cyborg, standing in there in mid-space and blasting their ship and the DP-Ship with a strange ray-gun.

“Catch me if you… c-c-can… heroes.” he mocked before vanishing out of sight.

And his insult was not heard because he didn’t hack their communications and because sound doesn’t travel in space.

After Elisti-Girl had gone back to the DP-Ship, Tameran was dead ahead, but what a sorry sight it was. “Oh, my Gorbnorf!” cried Starfire.

Oh, I’m sorry, was the ‘sorry sight’ too much for us? Or was it just too difficult and long to explain?!

They land on Tameran where they speak with Starfire’s godfather to try and figure out what is going on. Unfortunately, turns out that not even Tameran knows why the planet is losing bits and pieces of itself. Cyborg, using his advanced EARTH technology, is able to figure out that the planet is moving out of its gravitational pull.

Suddenly, robot henchman appears and attacks the group, stating that he is serving his master who wants to destroy everything in his way. He summons a bunch of henchmen-henchmen to attack the group and like most Mykan stories with the Titans, they prove completely ineffective against them.

　

Raven used her powers to bend the tools right out of those ugly brutes, but they magically regenerated. Robin's disc-bombs only seemed to blind the giants, but not harm them, Starfire's star-bolts seemed slightly effective, but not enough.

The Doom Patrol join the fray and they decide when they are getting attacked by killer robots, that now is the best time to sing about it.

Song Count: 7

　

(Rita/Elasti-Girl)

-You keep saying you've got something for me.

something you call love, but confess.

You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'

and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

…

The giants were starting to fall, but Raven just had to ask, "Does she have to sing while she does that?"

Robin gazed at her, "Well, this is a musical."

I did not add that last part! I know that seems like something I would do! But I assure you, I didn’t! Mykan actually broke the fourth wall in this story! And now the story made Pinkie Pie all sad.

See? Don’t you feel bad now? Oh, wait… It’s Mykan. Of course not.

The fight has the same problem as the Liberty’s Kids one, in that the fight is overshadowed by the song, in which you are simply supposed to use your imagination to put the song together.

Now, some of you might be saying, “Mr. Critique, you fucking moron, that’s what stories that you read are suppose to do. You are supposed to imagine a fight scene.”

And you’d be right, I am a moron, however, the author usually sets the stage for something to be imagined. Let’s see what kind of fight scene you can make from this.

His wife winked down at him… then continued to get at the giants, as long as her powers could sustain.

(Rita/Elasti-Girl)

-You keep saying you've got something for me.

something you call love, but confess.

You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'

and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

…

The giants were starting to fall, but Raven just had to ask, “Does she have to sing while she does that?”

Robin gazed at her, “Well, this is a musical.”

…

-You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'

and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.

You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.

Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

...

POW!

CRUSH!

BOOM!

The giants squealed as the giant woman hit them hard.

…

-You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin

and you keep thinkin' that you

That’s some Lord of the Rings style fight scene. If it was taking place at night with no visible lighting. I’m sure there’s a good fight scene somewhere, but someone is holding our heads to the pre-school production of ‘Annie’.

It just goes on like that for a while, so I’m just going to skip it.

The song ends and … now the teams are back on Earth? What?

And one of the Doom Patrol, Elasti-girl is on her deathbed and Starfire’s planet is destroyed? What?!

I think we fucking missed something!

Yes, it turns out that the black hole did indeed destroy Tameran killing all it’s inhabitants. Starfire is, of course, depressed, but not as depressed as the audience for two reasons.

Reason 1: Beast Boy killed all those people! A person we are supposed to be feeling sorry for is going out and murdering billions for his own selfish motives! And don’t give me this, ‘He’s possessed by the book, so that makes it okay,’ bullshit! That doesn’t excuse anything that he’s done! Not that he was much better before that with stalking a girl, yelling at people who were trying to help him and using his dark magic to solve his problems, this is a logical conclusion for a psychopath!

Reason 2: This isn’t real! None of this has any relevance to the characters whatsoever! Why?! Because the characters know that this is just a possibility that could have happened if Terra and Beast Boy did not get together! But the timeline watching this, already has Terra and Beast Boy together! So this warning has no purpose! It would be like if Yoda showed images to Luke Skywalker about what would happen if he joined the darkside even though he said ‘I’ll never join the darkside!’

You’re warning people about something, that will not happen! Kind of like Michael Bay with the Purge!

And of course, we all know who to blame for this is… Terra!

In another part of town it was another school day, and Terra's grades were starting to slide. It was bad enough she was already an average student, now she could barely concentrate…

The reason for this was because of all the stress, fear, and anguish. Mostly due to the death of Beast-Boy, and more of which consisted of what she had heard on the news about planet Tameran being destroyed…

She was beginning to wonder if maybe this was all her fault. After all, ever since Beast-Boy had left the city, nothing had been going right. Her new life that she had struggled to build was falling to shambles, and she wondered if maybe it was the wrong choice after all…

… You know what… I’m done… I’m done being the good reviewer who always holds back. I’m going to go into the bathroom, I’m going to kill myself and I’m not going to come out as a supervillain.

*Walks into the bathroom. Pretends to hang himself. Draws a mustache with a marker on his face. Uses a bathrobe as a cape and kicks his bathroom door down.*

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

By Celestia’s mane, who are you? What have you done with my master?

Your master is dead! As for me, I am… The Reviewer!

... Wow… Seriously? … I mean… Oh, no! My master is dead! It is all my fault! I should have been nice to him and taken his insults as signs of love instead of what they actually were, cruel and heartless!

Ha, ha, ha! And now, I will destroy the entire universe!

Why?

Because I want to!

That is a pretty weak reason.

SILENCE!

I will destroy the entire universe with my poorly defined magical powers!

Oh no! Who could possibly save us?!

But first… I must finish the review. Then all will bow before me!

How will they bow to you if you destroy the universe?

SILENCE!

It is a simple question.

Anyway, now that I have established myself and my motive, let us continue.

Terra continues to angst about her part in the destruction of Tameran. Do I need to refer you back to my- I mean… The Critique’s song.

Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom, Count from Sesame Street counts all the ways why he let Terra live.

He already knew one reason why he was keeping her alive and well, “But why is it that I feel as strange as if I know this girl?” he wondered. Regardless, he had a prophecy to fulfill…

One… One reason I didn’t choose to let her die. Ah, ah, ah!

It turns out the black hole, which couldn’t be a black hole at all, so it’d have to be something else, has gotten bigger. Since black holes are only fueled by matter around it and dissipates when all matters is consumed around it. Granted, the area around Tameran isn’t going to be useful for a few hundred thousand years.

But it says black hole, so that’s what I’m going with. Suddenly, the rhyming witch comes into town and if you wanted some more Mykan sexism, there’s plenty to be had.

Mento gazed over Robin's shoulder. “Witches! Why can't they just home and be nasty?”

Nevertheless, the teams had to run for it. The city needed them.

Yeah, why can’t women just stay in the kitchen where they belong?

I deserved that…

The witch starts to sing about how evil she is. You know. Like most villains do. Maybe I should write a song about how evil I am.

No! I mean… That is what they would expect you to do. And you want to show them your a better villain, sir- I mean… you fiend!

Hmm… You’re right! I am better than all the other villains! Mwahahahahahaha! But I still blame you for all the pain I’m going through.

Typical…

Song Count: 8

The witch is then confronted by the Titans, to which Starfire is kind of ticked off that her planet was destroyed.

Starfire, however, just wanted to get at the witch. “I will make you suffer!” she thundered as she fire her eye-beam energy. Medeva dodged and the blast had hit one of the buildings instead.

The other Titans gasped in shock, and other building got hit when Starfire carelessly began to fire her star-bolts in many directions. She almost even hit her own teammates and the Doom Patrol…

“Hey!” cried Robot-man, “Watch it!”

Typical women, right? Can’t let anything go… I know I’m going to hell for that. Even if it was sarcasm.

The Titans battle the robots, you’d think they’d get better with every fight, but no, they somehow get worse as the witch continues with her plan. Meanwhile, Terra thinks she should join the fray and cause an earthquake that will surely kill everyone off anyway, since you know, she barely had control of her powers to begin with! She finds a ski mask and puts in on just in time to save the Titans.

Robin clenched his first, and gritted his teeth angrily. “No!” and he threw a rock straight for Medeva's face. The witch merely blew it back with her breath and clunked Robin's head, and really gave him a lump. “Hee, hee, hee…!”

Yes, Batman’s young ward, Robin, the boy wonder, the master strategist of the Teen Titans thinks that he can beat the witch… By throwing a rock at her.

Maud, would you please?

Youtube Video

Thank you.

Now that’s how you throw a rock.

Terra appears and attacks the witch with rocks and the Titans instantly recognize her voice. Remember this because I’m going to bitch about it later.

The battle finally goes well for the heroes, thanks to the only characters Mykan likes, and they finally fend off the attack. The witch tries to attack Terra, but Mykan doesn’t like that because she still has to suck on Beast Boy’s dick, so he stops her.

The Count pounded his hand with his cane in a discipline-like manner. “Didn't I warn you not to attack that girl, Medeva?” he asked then he waved his cane and blasted this girl's mask disintegrating it, revealing her full face and long blonde-hair.

And melting her face off while he’s at it! Now, that would be a fucking twist!

Count Dooku attacks the heroes and easily defeats them, capturing Terra in the process. Because the girl always has to be captured! It’s all Mykan thinks women are good for!

And just before you can get settled with the fact that Copy-Cat, the terrible Mary-Sue that- yes, he’s back.

In walked a stranger wearing a robe similar to Raven's, only red. HE removed his hood, revealing that his face looked just like Robin's. He even had Robin's mask, and hairdo. A strange creature, between a young-Man, and a black Cat.

His arms, his legs, his upper body, and the space between his legs, were all covered in black soft fur. He also had a tail, and two pointy cat ears poking out through his black hair atop his head. The only things on him that were not black, were his hands, neck, tummy, lower chest , feet, lower backside, and the rest of his face “Good morning, everyone.” he said a deep, yet soothing voice.

Fuck! I do not want to know about the space between his legs, god damnit! How many times do I have to say it?!

“Oh… uh…?” Raven couldn't stop staring at this creature.

The creature the smiled at her, “Yes, Raven… I am very handsome. Thank you kindly for the compliment.”

No, I don’t think she was complimenting you. I think she was staring at your hairy dick.

The Psyconian's themselves, were each gifted with one special skill or power at birth. Either the ability to fly, shape-shift into an exact duplicate of someone else, Psychic-Foresight, or X-Men claws.

Copy-Cat however was mysteriously born with all the gifts, though it was unknown why…

Because fuck you, I’m the author.

Copy-Cat tells them of Count Logan and his plans to destroy the universe. And remember when I said that the Titans were able to recognize Terra’s voice, even though they actually spent very little time with her. Now, they have Count Logan, who I have already spoiled is Beast Boy, the Doom Patrol know his real name, I guarantee you, so does Robin, he sounds just like the bastard, and yet no one can fucking figure out who Count Logan is!

Now, I understand that they could possibly be under duress from all the stress they’ve had the last few days. Beast Boy’s death, the destruction of Starfire’s homeworld and being saved by the guy who’s junk is constantly hanging out, but couldn’t they at least try to piece it together after the second time?! For god’s sake, they start talking about the possibility of Beast Boy being alive! Why don’t they think of this?!

Copy-Cat's features stiffened, “A very powerful creature-- who's goal above all is to destroy all worlds and dimensions and wipe out all existence permanently. My people and I have been following his activity for some time.”

“Wow…!” cried Robot-man, “And I thought The Brain was the evilest of them all.”

Count Chocula’s not so much evil, as he is pathetic.

They mention the Dark Prognosticus, which Copy-Cat I guess knows about. It turns out that Trigon wasn’t even able to control it, even though he wrote the damn thing. I sware, I am not making this up.

Copy-Cat explained that his people had heard rumors of the Dark Prognosticus from Azarath, but that was all they thought it to be, just a rumor. It was a very powerful and evil spell-book, more powerful than anything anyone could imagine… even the mighty Trigon had never been able to control it, and he was the one who wrote the book…

It became too much for him to control, so he had cursed the book with a special seal; Only someone who had an empty heart; Someone who had never found happiness would be able to read the book and gain access to all it's secrets and spells.

Well, that can’t be Beast Boy. Look how happy he is.

Youtube Video

I only use Teen Titan Go clips because it is the only way I can truly be released of the pain this story causes me. I do it so I can sleep at night! AND I HATE TEEN TITANS GO!

Oh… You are in soooo much pain. I feel so bad for you. Forcing yourself to watch clips from a show you hate, instead of turning it off and watching something you enjoy.

That’s right!

Helpful hint? That was sarcasm.

I don’t get it.

Copy-cat agrees to help the Titans take down Count Gismond. But they are worried about what will happen to Terra. I’d be more worried about what Terra would do to him.

Youtube Video

Ooo, I think I just came to that.

Meanwhile, Terra wakes up in Count Blood Count’s BDSM dungeon and he tells Terra about how he’s been destroying worlds and killing people in order to appease her.

Terra gulped softly, “And the giants… and those horrible people…?” she asked.

The Count nodded, “They are mine. I ordered them to wreck havoc upon the Earth, and spread my chaos thought the universe. I brought you here so that my minions would stop disobeying my orders and attack you.”

Terra was feeling both scared and angry at the same time. “So you… you're the one who's been destroying all the planets and worlds.”

The Count nodded, “Very perceptive.

Yes, very perceptive of you to put together something that I already told you. You must be the smart one on your little superhero team.

And just to rub it into Terra’s face, Count Bobby, he repeats several lines from the vile episode that dared to attack Mykan’s fictional love life and takes off his mask.

Heh, heh, heh…!” Count Logan slowly raised his hand to his mask and pulled it off. “Behold… my face!”

Terra was frozen on the spot for a whole ten seconds as she gazed at his face. “It's you!” she cried. “No! It's not possible!”

The Count replaced his mask, “Ha, ha, ha-- Oh, yes it can, and it is possible. You should also remember these words…”

“The person you wish me to be is now just a memory.”

“He no-longer exists. I am all that there is now.”

Terra was so upset and nervous that she could barely speak. She fell to her knees as tears of shame spread down her face. “No…! Why…? Why would you--”

The Count gritted his teeth behind his mask. “You wouldn't understand…!”

Oh, I don’t know, could you sing a song about how much we wouldn’t understand?

(Music cue)

(Count Logan)

(Sounds like Tony Jay)

The world is cruel.

Yeah, I don’t care.

Skipping.

Song Count: 9

The door slammed shut, and he was gone. “UGH…! OHH!” Terra threw herself face down on the hay-loaf and let out her emotion in endless tears and soft sobs. Not because of the destruction of the worlds, and not because she knew who Count Logan really was, and not even because he was going to kill her, eventually…

…but because of what SHE HAD DONE which lead to all this happening.

Um… NO, YOU FUCKING DIDN’T! But of course, Mykan would never admit to it being anyone else’s fault. It’s all Kari’s fault. It’s all Cadance’s fault. It’s all Terra’s fault! IS ANYONE SEEING THE FUCKING PATTERN HERE?! He plans everything on characters that didn’t do anything! But then again, that would be taking responsibility for his actions or the actions of the male character! That would be growing up! That would be being an adult! That would be being a respectable human being! That would be changing for the better!

And as we’ve seen, Mykan is not interesting in being an adult, in growing up, in being a respectable, kind human being! He’s not interested in changing! He’s only interested in being a miserable, childish, angry, bitter, hateful person, who does not care about any of his fans or anyone who reads his work!

Want proof? In his recent story of Starfleet, he decided to give Cadance a miscarriage scene. One of his fans, made a comment to him, begging him not to, because she had a miscarriage of her own and found it disturbing to do this, for no other reason than just to do it. But Mykan did it anyway.

Why? Because in his words “You pissed me off!”

Bravo… Just… fucking bravo, dude. I thought I couldn’t have less respect for you than I do, but somehow I do. I am not a hateful person. I am not. No, I’m not going to be in character for this. No, I’m not. This is me. This Joshua Wayman making a direct line to you, Mykan. No Critique. No ponies. No skit, no bullshit!

Me and you. I am not a hateful person. You know. I was always taught that “People are good. And that even though there are a few evil people in the world who don’t care about us, the majority of us are still able to find the strength to be good.” And I’ve always believed that people have both good and evil in them and… I’m sorry… I’m really sorry… I am having a really hard time finding any good in you. I’m sure it’s there… I’m sure that somewhere within all the hatred, anger and depression there is something in you that is screaming “This is wrong! This is wrong!”

And you know what you’ve done, you’ve silenced it! You’ve silenced it to the point where you can no longer hear it through the endless noise of hate that you have built for yourself. It wasn’t My Little Pony that built it. It wasn’t Teen Titans. It wasn’t Digimon. It was you. You built your own prison of misery and you keep coming back to that!

That’s what confuses me the most is that you keep fucking coming back to that prison! You know what I think, it is a drug! Okay, it is a drug to you! This misery, this pain, this anger, you honestly have no idea how to live life without it! And so, you just keep coming back to it, like a drug addict! And you’re never going to get better because, better people than me, have tried to reach you and tried to get you off that drug and you just won’t! Or you can’t, I don’t know!

Either way, you’re sad… You’re just sad… And I feel sad that I know the horrible person you are. I wish to Christ I didn’t. But I do. And I’m going to live with that. I’m not going to build a prison and say ‘Oh, life sucks because this guy is a dick.’ I’m not going to let myself built that prison and I’m not going to let you pull me down that road. I am going to grow. I am going to learn. I am going to experience. To achieve, to fail, to grow, to become respectable, responsible and kind. I am willing to change. And I’m not afraid of it. You can hide in your little fortress and be scared of it. I don’t care. Like I said, better people than me have tried to reason with you. But I’m hoping that the people who support you and are reading this, will take a long look at what you are and make a decision for themselves about what kind of person they want to be.

Okay… I’m done… I’ll let the Critique take over again…

…

…

Does he think we’re two separate people?! What a fucking moron!

Meanwhile, the Titans arrive on Psycho-place, that’s the planet where Copy-Cat was born, where Copy-Cat makes some confusing statements about his race.

Copy-Cat explained that while his planet was primitive in technology, their spacecrafts were super-powerful. Propelled by dark-matter, the ships could travel faster than the speed of light, and make traveling in-between galaxies cut down to mere weeks…

Their technology is like Count Olaf’s emotional state, they tend to spike every few minutes.

Raven thought that was incredible. “So… um… what else can you do?” she asked feeling a little nervous, and blushing. Copy-Cat simply smiled at her.

Roll in a ditch and die! That’s my vote!

The Titans give Copy-Cat a tour of the Tower when suddenly he sees a photo of Beast Boy. When he asks who Beast Boy is, everyone starts crying.

And since Copy-Cat is a prick, he, of course, uses his psychic powers to invade everyone’s private thoughts and steal all their secrets. Which of course, everyone is totally cool with, because suck his balls.

Negative-man eased his fears, “It wasn't your fault. Garfield was very special to us.” he said. Copy-Cat would have asked but by reading his mind he was able to tell that Beast-Boy's true name was Garfield Mark Logan.

Hmm… His last name is Logan... And the villain’s last name is Logan... And Beast Boy found the book… And he sounded like Beast Boy… Was the same height… Same body type… Could it be?

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No. No. No, of course not. Heh… That’d be stupid.

Also, how did Logan get a copy of Beast Boy’s photo on Psyco Planet. It turns out he’s actually carrying Titan’s Tower with his ship. You know what, at this point, I just don’t even care.

We then get a song about Beast Boy in a … flashback sequence? I really don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore. I’m convinced that Mykan was on some kind of weed when he wrote this.

Song Count: 10

Things aren't more convincing he didn’t with the next part of the story, as the robot henchmen, makes plans to betray Count Alucard. Because there’s always a villain who backstabs the master in these types of stories. Terra overhears this but can’t do anything about it since she’s still dangling over a vat of sharks. Oh, my mistake, I mistook her for what Mykan thinks all women are. The Sandbag from Smash Brothers.

Meanwhile, it turns out that the ‘completely evil and heartless villain’ who has no happiness or joy in his heart and thus, that’s why he’s able to control the book, is having second thoughts.

The minions hesitated for a moment, but then they all vanished as they were told. Leaving the Count just standing there in the middle of space. The Count looked as if regretting something gravely…

“My loyal minions…” he thought deeply to himself. “They have all been so loyal and faithful to me. It only makes things harder for me to do what I plan… but it must, and will be done. The prophecy will be fulfilled, and the end of everything will begin.”

And then the book ate him and waited for the next truly evil fiend to come into the picture and try to destroy the world. Wait, it doesn’t?! What, was the book just not paying attention at that point?!

Meanwhile on Psycho Planet, Cyborg creates a mobile camera to sneak into the black void and find out what is going on.

While they wait, they get to know more about the people of Psycho. Their religion, their culture, their lifestyle, the ability they have to suck Copy-Cat’s dick. All the good stuff.

Rita and Starfire got along with the children just wonderfully. Raven enjoyed it too but was pretending that she wasn't “Terrific! More babysitting.” Deep down, though, she did think the baby kittens were cute.

But Copy-Cat could sense it, and sense deep down that Raven did indeed harbor a crush on him. To be honest, he felt the same about her too.

Even though Copy-Cat was the Prince, he preferred to enjoy himself as well, and never let his royal title make a spoil of things. So he joined the girls while playing with the children…

Oh, I’m sure those kittens would be extra adorable, when I drown them!

… D… Don’t you look at me that way…

Stop it!

*sniffles* You better stop right now.

*Ahem* I mean, um… No, disintegration for you today! You cute fluffy, I mean… you vile demon!

***

Meanwhile in the halls of Canterlot!

Celestia: So, he’s renamed himself ‘the Reviewer’? And he’s planning on destroying the universe?

Computer: Yes, that is his plan.

Celestia: *Burst out laughing.* Does he think us for idiots?

Computer: Clearly. He thinks he has convinced me that he is a different person.

Celestia: As much as I appreciate the laugh, I take it you're here for something else.

Computer: Oh… I was just wondering if we could milk this a bit…

Celestia: What would you have me do?

***

Meanwhile, back at the other thing!

Copy-Cat feels he has to sing to us about how life is beautiful, which he probably got from somebody else’s playlist if I’m to believe this is still by Mykan.

Song Count: 11

Starfire giggled, “I could just stay here forever…”even though she knew she couldn't. At least now she was more determined to stop Count Logan than ever before. She couldn't let these children suffer the fate of her people when Tameran was destroyed.

Because as well all know, her adoptive world is full of dicks!

Cyborg’s camera manages to enter the void and the gang gathers around a monitor to see what kind of dangers they’d be facing.

They see a castle in the distance where they believe that Count Athos is operating from. They quickly are able to find Terra through one of the windows. However, before they can get a message to her, the camera is attacked and destroyed.

They decide that it’s too risky to walk through the front door since it’s likely their powers wouldn’t work properly. Okay, fair enough. But what about Cyborg and Robin? They don’t have powers and Starfire is technically an alien, so ‘powers’ are more biological than anything. And Raven doesn’t technically have powers either. It’s magic.

The Doom Patrol… Maybe, but that’s only because I don’t know enough about them to say much. Still, I doubt Robotman is going to be affected all that much.

But whatever, they say that the only hope they have of defeating book is to find it’s counterpart. The Light Prognosticus.

Meanwhile, Count Baltar is looking for the Shining Twins, who are working with Cadance to make his life miserable, so with his god-like powers and god-like emotions that are beyond mortal men and women, he can ruin their make up and make their dates hate them like a fucking five year old.

Yeap, you could give Mykan the powers of a god and he’d still be a giant prick.

The Count was especially looking forward to getting back at two specific people. Jackie, and Jillian. He still hadn't forgotten about how rude and unkind they were towards him.

…

Squashing his hand between their shoulders…

“She's not interested!”

“Yeah! Get lost, Brat-Boy!”

I would play the “World’s Smallest Violin” gag here, but the violin committed suicide for unfair work conditions. Hanging itself on it’s own strings.

That’s right, Mykan is so pretentious that he was able to murder the “World’s Smallest Violin” joke.

Count Duckula ruins their double date, I’m not even kidding here, by attacking the boyfriends and the girls… really don’t react realistically at all.

The girls were shocked by the way he was treating them, and their boyfriends foolishly tired to attack him. Very foolish indeed! A wave of his cane, and a snap of his fingers… the boys were very badly hurt, and out-cold. The girl gasped, and the Count laughed. “Hmm, mm, mm… like I said, pitiful, pathetic creatures. The weakest of the lot. Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!”

The girls never felt so pissed in their lives. “Okay, Brat-Boy…!” Jillian hissed. “It's bad enough you turn Terra against us, and now this?”

Jackie put up her dukes, “Now, we're pissed… so put'em up, Cowboy!”

Count Logan shook his head, and glared at the girls. His eyes glowed shrouding the girls in light revenging them from even moving. “Fools! Threaten me again, and you'll suffer a fate far worse than your boyfriends. Hah!”

The light shined again across the girl’s bodies as they began to chuckle manically. Count Logan looked upon Jackie and Jillian as they began to change in front of his very eyes.

Wings sprouted from their backs, ripping their shirts from their torso, exposing their breasts. Their neatly manicured nails became large talons. Every muscle on their skinny teenage bodies grew until their skirts were ripped from their bodies. Fangs began to take the place of their once perfect teeth.

Count Logan could barely comprehend what was in front of him. Two figures out of his nightmares. Succubi. And both them were staring at him with glowing yellow eyes that held no pupils. Jackie smiled. “Well, it looks like you’ve finally found us out.”

“We’ve been manipulating Terra this whole time. All so we could resurrect our mistress’s child! Princess Cadance’s child shall live again! Live to destroy all who oppose her!

Now, that would be a fucking twist!

But instead, Mykan makes his threat and the girls run away, because Mykanious.

Meanwhile, Copy-Cat shows them the place where the Light Prognosticus, and again, not even bothering to ask the Titans, he instead reads their minds. Oh, good, I’m sure that’s not hypocritical in the slightest.

The only question answered was Copy-Cat's, Who was this girl, Terra? Once again, using his foresight and reading the Titans minds told him everything… a girl with the power to controls rocks and ice. Her involvement with the sinister Slade… but more importantly a very shaky relationship with Beast-Boy and one of the main reasons why Beast-Boy left, and died.

He tells the Titans that the book is buried deep within the tomb of his family. Ooo, is this the point where we find out that Copy-Cat is actually a ghost this whole time?! Because that would make this story slightly better.

But he tells us that it will be dangerous. Well, dangerous for anyone except him.

“The tomb is heavily guarded against intruders not of the Psyconian race. Those who have dared the journey into the dark-jungle that surrounds it, have perished. The very ground is littered with the bones of those who tried and failed.”

… Then why don’t you go out and get it?! And we’ll stay here with our thumbs up our butts! Come on, you know that’s what’s going to happen anyway! You’d just save us some time by doing so!

Copy-Cat knew of only one way, “But I shall require everyone's help, especially yours Raven.”

“Me…?” Raven asked. “What for…?”

I need you to be my bitch!

Meanwhile, the evil robot henchmen reveals to Count Iblis the location of the heroes and he orders his henchmen to attack the planet. He orders drinks for him and his men, which the evil robot henchmen provides with a side order of poison for his master’s.

Yeah, the servants of darkness aren’t going to take to kindly to you offing their master, but whatever, you’re the evil robot henchmen I can’t even bother naming, so what do I know?

Copy-Cat uses Raven’s magic to contact the spirits of his dead mother and father, and I guess it had no emotional impact on him, though why should it? He probably cut the breaks himself, the little douche bag.

They agree to let the Titans have the Light Prognosticus, but only if they pass some kind of test without their powers. Okay? Why?

“Cause, it’s more dramatic this way!” The story might say. “And it’s my story and I can do whatever I want.”

Well, yes, it is your story and you can do whatever you want with it. It just turns out what you’re doing with it is shit. Why do the Titans need to prove themselves to get the light source when they could just as easily say “You know, we’re kind of in a hurry and this to get back at the guys who killed you a few scenes earlier.” Not that we were ever shown that. Though I still believe that Copy-Cat was in cahoots.

Or they could say, “You know, we prevented Trigon from taking over this dimension! Maybe that ought to be taken into fucking consideration.”

Or my personal favorite, “The fuck is wrong with you! The dude is going to destroy the entire fucking universe, the universe that your son happens to be living on right now, and you’re just going to fucking let him?! Thanks, mom and dad! You can forget about me getting anything for your birthdays from now on!”

But no, like a bunch of idiots, who think that sticking their head into a hungry lion's mouth is a good idea, they cake themselves with butter before climbing down into the family tomb.

And just to put a fine stamp on that, we get this line.

The next morning, All the Titans, and the Doom Patrol were up bright and early. It would be sunrise on Earth, but the sky on Psyconia was still the same, a night-sky. All the heroes and Copy-Cat stood by the edge of the cliff. They were about to embark on a journey with no powers or weapons…

Well they did have their powers and weapons on them, but once they crossed the plateau if they so much as slipped once, they would be disqualified form their quest, and they would not get a second chance.

Oh, so this isn’t even ‘The tomb restrained them from using their weapons and stole their powers.’ This is just ‘Mom and dad are being dicks!’ I wonder if this is how Mykan views his own parents.

We then get some more shit about Terra ‘being an evil person for wanting a normal life’ and I think the human prick that runs my life already spoiled that for me, so here’s a video with a fart sound effect.

Youtube Video

Song Count: 12

We then cut back to the Titans who are so far not doing any more than they have been doing in this story. Mostly sniffing their own farts.

When they get attacked by a dinosaur, as you do on a planet dedicated to cat people. They fight it for a bit with Starfire being depowered and fucking useless just to add to the list of sins that this story is going to hell for. Trying to treat Starfire as a piece of meat. Kind of like DC Comics.

They defeat the dinosaur in a fight scene that’s probably been the best of the story so far. Though that could be that most of them had songs interrupting them for most of it and it’s still as exciting as watching a three year old smashing his action figures together. And yet, somehow I have a feeling the three year old would be more creative.

Meanwhile, Mykan is sleeping in his bed, when he starts having nightmares about Beast Boy and Terra not being together. He gets up to try and clear his head, get himself and drink of water and think about how he could change everything. If only he had the power to -

Hey, Mykan’s personal life, get out of the way! I’m trying to read your stupid story!

In his master bed-chamber, Count Logan was lying in his master bed with the covers pulled over his head. He was tossing and turning as he moaned and groaned. Either he was having a nightmare, or his head really ached with pain from stress… or it was both.

His moaning was so loud and painful, even the giants guarding the door outside could barely stand it, soon it quieted down, though.

The Count reached over, and grabbed a cup of cold water. “Ahh…! GRR…!” he drank-up and then pitched the cup at the walls, shattering the glass. He sat upright in bed, his face, no longer hidden by his mask, but unable to be seen in the darkness… he was now just panting softly with his knees brought up to his chest.

“These nightmares…” he hissed. to himself. “They will never leave me be.”

Oh, this is the stupid story. How awkward.

I’ve always said he should add some realism to his stories and this is about as real as the stories ever get. Him telling us his problems in a contrived way. Write what you know, eh Myke?

He tells us that he’ll soon destroy Terra, which begs the question of why the fuck didn’t he do that beforehand? What was so important about Terra being alive? He hasn’t fucked her. Nor has she done anything besides being kidnapped. But then again, that seems to be every single woman Mykey ever writes, so I fail to see who that is any different from Raven and Starfire, who are actually a part of the plot and not just a pair of jugs for Myke to want to rub his face against.

Meanwhile, where the important stuff is going on. You know, I’m getting sick of jumping between points of view here, with little happening in one point of view, and a lot more things happening in the other. It just shows how much the pacing is seriously fucked in this story. It drags on mentioning every slightest detail that crosses Myke’s mind, while still remaining completely void of narrative structure. It’s just stuff happening.

Telling a story and having stuff happen are very different. Telling a story is progressing a plot with things we don’t yet know or haven’t learned yet. Stuff happening has little consequence on the plot. Like Mykey whining for the umteeth millionth time! Or Terra feeling that it’s all her fault! We’ve established that already! No need to beat it in the head again!

This can get very draining with how many fucking times Myke tells us that the Titans can’t use their powers for their test. I haven’t shown that yet? Well, get ready, my friends. Because here’s a taste of my pain!

All the heroes and Copy-Cat stood by the edge of the cliff. They were about to embark on a journey with no powers or weapons…

All of them walked by foot, and no one of them flew. Starfire and Raven realized for the first time how much they needed to work on their footwork. “No more hovering for me…!” Raven groaned.

Raven wanted to get a closer look at an dinosaur-skull on the ground. It was large enough to be two igloos. Suddenly, she wasn't using her powers, but she felt something was creeping up from behind her… “Hmm…?” she looked round. “WHOA…!” she leapt out just a huge bony-tail nearly whacked her.

This was followed by a roaring of a live skeleton of a dinosaur with a horn like a rhino. “YEOW…!” Raven squealed as she rolled out of the way. Everyone winced in horror and shock at the great beast. Robin was about to reach for his utility belt, and Cyborg ready to use his sonic-cannon. “No! Don't!” Copy-Cat shouted at them, “You may not use your own powers and weapons, remember?”

With the boys out of the way, not Starfire was targeted. “No…!” she screamed as she ran “Get away from me!” she ran as fast as her legs could take her without flying. “HELP ME…!” she screamed.

Robin and Mento saw her, “Hang on, Starfire…!” cried Robin. “We're coming…!” added Mento. Since they weren't allowed to use their own weapons and powers, they were however allowed to make their own… that would be using their own skills.

All through the day, the Titans and the Doom Patrol trekked through the dark-jungle. They had evaded quicksand, avalanching boulders, and other vicious creatures. Keeping well in mind not to use their powers and weapons.

Huh? AAH…!” Then he leapt out of the way just before one of the statue-monsters struck him. The battle was on, but this hardly seemed fair at all. These monsters were allows to use weapons, and the teams had to rely on their own skills…

Starfire tried to wrestle one, but with without her alien-strength. “These creatures… they are so strong!”

Celestia and Luna don’t repeatedly raise the sun and moon as much as this guy repeats!

Anyway, they get to the last test, where they have to fight these golem things while intercutting it with a song and the fight only takes place during the solos, so I guess he’s killing flow and my brain cells in one go!

Song Count: 13

This was some battle…

(Music cue)

I walk along the avenue.

I never thought I'd meet a girl like you.

Meet a girl like you.

With auburn hair and tawny eyes.

The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through.

Hypnotize me through.

And I ran.

I ran so far away.

I just ran.

I ran all night and day.

I couldn't get away.

(Instrumental solo)

…

Raven found her self, for the first time, running scared of a piece of rock; up the cliff. “Get away from me!” she growled at it, but that monster just kept right on coming swinging its weapon like a madman.

She kept on running, and running until she came to the ledge of the cliff which overlooked one of the pools down below, “Acid!” she cried. She was trapped, but it didn't go unnoticed. “Raven…!” cried Cop-Cat. “I am coming…!” and he began to hastily climb up a series of vines leading up to the cliff; since he wasn't allowed to fly.

The statue-monster had reached Raven, and raised it's huge weapon ready to attack. “NO---!” a voice shouted as Copy-Cat came swinging in on a vine, and BAM! He rammed his bare feet into the monster's back… his feet were very resistant to most impact pains.

The monster lost its balanced and fell off from the ledge and fell into the acid pool below where it dissolved into dust. “Are you alright…?” Copy-Cat asked. Raven stared at him deep in the eyes, “You… saved me.” she said while blushing.

Copy-Cat blushed too, and looked away from her. “Um, yes… so I did.”

Raven almost didn't know why she did what she did next, but she pecked him on the cheek. Copy-Cat almost felt like fainting. Still, only one monster was down, and three more remained…

Anyway, after defeating them, they finally receive the Light Prognosticus, with one of the villains watching them retrieve it. And rather than do something sensible like, kill them while she has the element of surprise or take the book from them, she instead goes off to whine to her master. Because that’s what everybody fucking does in this fucking fic! Princess Morbucks doesn’t whine this much!

Our heroes make it back to the village of dullards who seem really important for some reason, and our team figures out that none of them can read the Light Prognosticus.

If the Dark Prognosticus required someone who never found happiness, what did this book require?

Knowledge of the English language would probably a good fucking start.

The Titans decide that, whether they can read the book or not, they decide to go battle Count Paris and defeat him once and for all. So as the story says the villains has already wiped out half the universe while the Titans piddled around with the stupid test, and what’s the next best thing to do… Waste our time with another fucking song.

Song Count: 14

They make their way through the void and to the castle of Count Nafaria. When they are suddenly attacked by laser turrets. One of the team gets hit by them, and is pinned down, but then Copy-Cat uses the book to save the day, by reflecting the beams at the turrets.

Suddenly, Copy-Cat had an idea, and held the Light-Prognosticus directly into the beam. The beam bounced off the diamond on the book's cover and fire it right back up towards the source-points on the castle towers…

It kept going, and going, until he lasers were so overloaded from their own energy… KA-BLAM!! Large sparkling explosions burst from the castle-top as the beams destructed on themselves, “ARGH…!” Elasti-girl gasped for air in such huge relief. Her husband hugged her tightly, “You okay…?” he asked her softly.

Or Raven could have used her magic to destroy them? Or Starfire her Starbolts? Hello? Myke? Bro?

Whatever, I stopped caring at the title.

Finally, they manage to sneak into the castle. And for those of you who are wondering if the story is almost over yet, we’ve still got 8 more chapters to go. Not that it matters, since you could just type ‘The Titans lost and the universe was destroyed. But none of it matters because Terra and Beast Boy got together anyway. The fucking end.’ and it would have changed fucking nothing. And I’m not convinced that’s what’s going to happen in the end.

While they search the castle, they find a little riddle that Mykey was kind enough to put on the wall for them.

Copy-Cat read the text…:

When you come to doors scattered round.

Only two will lead you to where you are bound.

A prisoner below awaits to be freed,

To find the enemy, go up you will need.

I’m guessing this is like the Riddler shtick, where he can’t commit a crime without leaving a clue, where as Myke can’t write a horrible story without something rhyming in it.

They find themselves in a room full of doors where each of them get separated with two per group. I would say this is like the Sailor Moon Season 5 opening, but that was actually something I enjoyed, where this is not.

The teams each run into one of the henchmen of Count Screwloose, but easily defeat them. I guess the first few times they fought them, they were just messing with them. Now that those cute little cat people are threatened, it’s time to get serious!

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When I think that this is the style of Titans that Mykey writes, it actually makes this shit a little more bearable.

After the heroes defeat the villains, leaving only Count Smokula, Raven and Copy-Cat find Terra and free her from her prison. However, before they can get away, they are attacked by Cadance’s pets. Ha, and you all thought I was joking when I said they were demons!

Terra felt so relieved she was going to be free, but the moment she stepped out from her cell, she gasped, and pointed behind the others. Raven and Copy-Cat slowly turned round, and saw Jacquelyn Hyde… in her sweet-forum. “Hi there…” she said sounding all ditzy. “Ooh, I'm so happy you're here!” she changed into her bad-forum, “Now I can finish you off here and now!”

Raven and Copy-Cat stood poised at ready, “Bring it on, ditz!” snapped Raven.

“We are ready for you…!” added Copy-Cat.

“Hah…! Maybe for me, but not if I do this…!” Jacquelyn snapped her fingers and giants appeared all over the dungeon. “LOOK OUT…!” cried Terra.

Anyway, they beat her without any real challenge to it, before chastising Terra about how ‘She’s so evil and she’s so wrong. And she’s a meany poopy head that should die! Even though I’m in love with her, so it’s really confusing! But it all makes sense because she should die!’ I’m not even scratching the surface of the tip of the iceberg!

Terra felt a little nervous, and she would have tried to lie about, but she remembered, Copy-Cat would sense her out. She was busted, and had to come clean. She explained how, she couldn't remember how she changed back from her stone state… but she felt so guilty about all she had done, all the people she had hurt… particularly Beast-Boy, that she decided to live a normal life, be a school girl, this way she could start over, and life a happier life and help everyone to move on and forget her and the past…

She even explained how when Beast-Boy saw her, and tried to reconcile with her, she played dumb, and pretended she didn't know him or anything of her former life. She was trying to make him see…

“Things change Beast-Boy. The girl you want me to be is just a memory.”

Copy-Cat was outraged, “I have never heard anything, in all my existence, heard of anything so incredibly incompetent and ridiculous. It is no wonder Beast-Boy wished to perform suicide…!”

… You know what… I’ve raged, my human counterpart has raged, Computer has raged, it’s your turn. I want to give you this chance to say how this makes you feel about a man who is so unhappy about his life that he has to make other people who want something different than what he wants feel bad about their life choices. Go ahead. I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I’ll watch what my new headcanon for this world is.

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They finally arrive at the final battle against Count Anstetten where we still have six chapters left.

He reveals that he captured Negative-Man and somehow combined him with the magic book that not even Trigon could control and he conquered universes, to make the portals destroy the universe faster. I don’t know, this is how he explains it.

The Count then projected an image of what he had done. Not only had the Dark-Void grown large enough to suck up everything faster than ever, but by stealing some of Negative-Man's shadow-energy, he was able to generate miniature voids, millions of them… and sent them to all corners of what was left of the universe to destroy the lasts of it faster…

I would bother to look it up, but let’s face it, if Myke can’t put for the effort, why the fuck should I?

The Titans swear that they will ‘Not let him get away with this!’ And Count

Orlok says ‘There is nothing you can do to stop me,’ as he takes off his mask to reveal that he is actually-

The biggest and most powerful evidence was, Beast-Boy's body had gone missing without anyone touching it. “It can't be!” cried Mento.

“Hmm, mm… but it is!” snapped the Count, and he removed his mask for everyone to see his green-face, “I am all that is left of Beast-Boy!” It was him indeed, only he looked a little more adult-aged now than before he died…

HOLY SHIT! The stain on the wall from where I flung my mac and cheese is in a slightly different spot from last time!

Yes, the idiots that our heroes are finally put two and two together and come up with that Count Logan actually refers to Garfield Logan. Just in case we’re too stupid to get it. There’s nothing that can make me feel better.

Sir, Princess Celestia is about to make an important announcement about the Reviewer.

Really?!

***

Citizens of Equestria,

I come to you in a time of great peril. Our beloved country has enjoyed years of peaceful solace. However, that tranquility is about to be shattered by a villain known only as ‘the Reviewer’!

No pony is aware of the identity of this mad pony, but it is believed that he has plans to destroy the entire universe. All because of a story that he dislikes.

I know that your first instinct would be to panic, however, I must advise against it. Everypony must remain calm and go about your daily lives as if nothing is wrong. I assure you, Equestria is doing everything in its power to stop the ‘Reviewer’!

This is Princess Celestia, wishing you a good day.

***

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Even Celestia herself trembles at the might of… The Reviewer!

You sick twisted fiend!

You made me this way, Computer! It is all your fault! It is all your fault the Reviewer is actually… *Wipes away the fake mustache* … The Critique!

No! How could this be?! … And how is this my fault?!

Because… Because… Because you found the story?

Did I make you open it?

No.

Did I make you read it?

No.

Am I forcing you to read it?

No.

Am I forcing you to finish it?

… No.

So, who is at fault?

...mine...

I am sorry. I did not catch that.

… mine…

Could you say that one more time? I did not have my recording devices ready.

IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, OKAY?! I’m the one who keeps reading these stories! I’m the one who keeps coming back to these tropes! I’m the one who invented and indulge myself into this holiday! Me, myself and I!

That is my new ringtone.

You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

Oh, you have no idea.

Let’s just get back to the review.

The group tries to convince Beast Boy to give up and come home, but Beast Boy is pretty much coo-coo for Cocoa-Puffs.

Beast-Boy charged at him, “Stop calling me that…! I AM NOT BEAST-BOY!” and he punched him hard in the gut, then the face, and kicked him away. “YOU'RE ALL GOING TO PAY FOR MY PAIN…!”

“We do not have a choice…!” cried Copy-Cat. “He cannot be reasoned with, we must strike him down.”

Oh, okay.

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Unfortunately, our heroes aren’t as super-special-awesome as myself, so they get their ass kicked royally. However, Terra finally gets her hands on the Light Prognosticus and it starts to beat Beast Boy back.

A song interrupts the fight scene, because it’s pretty much the only thing Mykey is good at.

Song Count: 15

This was going to be a battle to remember…

(Music cue)

Beats-Boy charged, and Terra charged. The both of them firing energy balls, and punching and kicking each other. Beast-Boy swinging his cane…

A crash of thunder

A brilliant flash of light

A battle has begun

And only one will win the fight

Danger in the air

Destroying everything in sight

The time has come to right the wrong

With Prism Power might!

Good on him to tell us that fight scene is going to be good. Maybe if he keeps saying that, we’ll be brainwashed into believing, ‘This is the best fight evar.’

Eventually, Terra is able to literally beat the evil out of him and Beast Boy remembers who he is and he and Terra hook up… IN the dimension where they aren’t supposed to hook up, but who cares, Myke certainly didn’t when he wrote this fucking thing.

The story then stops to tell the backstory of Beast Boy and why he did the horrible things he went through. And, I’m actually pretty impressed, because it’s pretty much the whiniest whine that’s ever whined! So, much so, that I’m not even sure I can do it justice with how Myaknious it is, but god-damn it, I’m going to try anyway!

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Well, here’s a song played all the time

So much so that it is a crime

He whines that life is so unfair

Here I’m thinking that I just don’t care

You never will convince me, sir

That there’s a pain that’s caused by her

If you’d stop trying to tell me

And stop whining like a fucking banshee

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious!

Now Princess Cadance is a bitch

She should die inside a ditch

Least that’s what I’d be telling you

If you hadn’t eaten glue!

Maybe it’s you that’s got the beef

Blaming her on all your grief

In this fiction that you call your home

with plots as strong as styrofoam

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious!

Cue Solo, Computer!

Play girl! WOO!

That is my sexy computer voice!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Oww!

Myaknious! I just stubbed my toe

And now it hurts

It really hurts

fucking hurts

Get a doc

Get a doc

Get a doc, doc, tor!

Get a doc, doc, tor!

Get a doc, doc, tor!

Really fast, fast, fast!

Really fast, fast, fast!

Damn!

Bleeding out! Bleeding out! Bleeding out!

I think I’m dying! I think I’m dying!

And so this stupid, stupid, stupid, joke!

Stupid joke!

And so this stupid joke!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Myaknious! Myaknious! Myaknious!

Yes, I am trying to make that a word, what’s it to you?!

After the song, everyone realizes…

Youtube Video

I’ll give you all a moment to recover from this incredibly new development.

However, the book starts to activate, I guess, because the prophecy wasn’t fulfilled? But it shouldn't be able to activate because Beast Boy doesn’t have unhappiness in his heart? Because Terra loves him and wants to suck him off, just like Myke does? Or maybe the book was pissed that he got such a minor role and the prophecy that they are talking about doesn’t mean jack by the end anyway, because, again, NO ONE FUCKING CARES!

Count Spankula tries to bring down the castle, which is totally not Beast Boy’s fault, as the story points out, because he’s totally under the control of the book. The heroes try to escape with Beast Boy, but find out they can’t move him. And like pricks, they leave him to die. Or maybe this is the right thing to do, he is trying to kill them.

“Well, come on, grab him and let's get out of here!” cried Negative-man. Everyone agreed, and most of them took off from the castle roof, Mento tried to pick up Beast-Boy, but his hand went right through him, “Huh?”


“Steve! Hurry!” cried Elasti-Girl.


“I can't pick him up!” her husband called to her. “I can't touch him.”


Robin and Elasti-girl tried to pick him up together, but they couldn't touch him either. Their hands just went right through him. “Come on, you guys!” cried Cyborg, “We're running out of time.”


The castle was breaking up badly, the towers were crumpling, and the floors were caving in. “We have no choice!” cried Robin, “We have to leave him!”

They get out of the castle and fly off in Copy-Cat’s spaceshit, where they discover that Beast Boy is alive and has transformed into a dragon. Turns out that robot henchman, again, who I don’t bother naming, uses the Dark Prognosticus because he has a sad backstory. Want to know what it is? So the fuck would I, but the story kind of forgets that whole thing.

He uses the book to transform Beast Boy into a dragon and tries to kill everyone with it. Isn’t it funny how the villain gets replaced in the last three chapters by villain we don’t know? Sure, he was in the story, but he hardly did anything except plan his betrayal. Who is he? Why is he evil? Why is he a half-cyborg? What the deal with working Beast Boy?! Why didn’t he just manipulate Terra into loving him and having Beast Boy lose the book that way? How did he know about the book and it’s power?!

While Beast Boy destroys the universe, the trio stooges who worked for him reveal the secret of the Light Prognosticus, that everyone has to believe in the Grand Ruler. At this point, there are only three chapters left, so I’m willing to buy it. When asked why the stooges decided to help them, they reply that they still loved Beast Boy and wanted their turn to suck on his cock.

The group believes in fairies and manages to destroy the Dark Prognosticus and kill Beast Boy in the process.

Song Count: 16

Yes, I skipped the final battle, because let’s face it, it’s pretty much the same fight scene we’ve seen already. Just imagine everyone sucking Beast Boy off.

Song Count: 17

So, Beast Boy is dead, Myke can finally rest knowing that his nightmares will never come back and the world is happy once more.


“Garfield Mark Logan/ Beast-Boy”


1990-2006


A Teen Titan, and a True Friend.


May he finally have found happiness.


…


“SIMULATION OVER”

Wait, so this whole story?! This whole scenario was just a simulation! This… this… story… is… AMAZING!


Wait, what?!


And I’m a monkey! Watch me shake my monkey butt!

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Sir, are you okay?

I’mma gonna throw my poo at you!

Sir, control yourself!

This… is … me… controled…

***

Luna’s horn began to dull as the vision began to cease from Critique’s eyes. “Now, do you see what future awaits you, if you choose to review such a fic?”


Critique sat up straight, rubbing his temple. “Wow… I finally end up losing it? Jesus, that fic was way worst than I thought it was.” He placed his hoof on his chin. “Wait a minute, doesn’t you showing me reviewing it technically mean I reviewed it?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Look it makes about as much sense as the rest of the story does.”

“Oh, so that means, not at all.”

The only reason this story was even written was to get people to feel bad for Beast Boy because Mykey can’t move on. He treats Beast Boy as the victim, despite the horrible things he does and pretends it isn’t his fault, claiming it to be somebody’s else's.

That doesn’t make me pity Beast Boy. It doesn’t make me invested. It makes it a pretentious fic that thinks it’s saying more than it actually is.

It doesn’t teach anyone to live up to their responsibilities and only teaches people how to blame other people for their problems. Something that Mykey has taken to heart. It’s not his fault that this fic is a failure. It’s everyone else’s.

It’s everyone else’s fault that this story doesn’t have relatable characters who make intelligent decisions. That the writing is poor. That for all the talk of ‘prophecies’ the story has very little to do with them. We aren’t even sure what the prophecy is supposed to be! The characters are boring. The fight scene are interrupted with songs and even when they aren’t, they’re completely bland. Whining takes over most of the dialogue in this story and not one moment did I ever feel sorry for Beast Boy.

Why? Because he was a complete dick in this story! I loved Beast Boy in the Teen Titans. Yeah, he could be annoying sometimes, but he’d always do what was right. He’d always look on the bright side of life and he’d always lead with some kind of optimism. I got none of that from this fic. None of the character I enjoyed from this fic. But that’s not what Mykan sees in that character. He only sees his misery.

It was the same with Davis, it’s the same here.

This fic has nothing to offer anyone and is a complete waste of time. It’s one of the worst, guys. One of THE WORST I have ever read in my entire life. Fuck. This. Fic.

“So,” Luna finally spoke. “A deal’s a deal? I show up for your 100th review, you stop insulting my sister.”

Critique smiled and nodded. “Of course. I promise. Scout’s honor.”

With that, Luna’s horn shined brightly, before she vanished.

A scoff came from Critique’s lips. “Like I’m a scout.”

Is it really wise to lie to Princess Luna?

Oh, like she watches my reviews. Next week, we finish up Mykanuary with the Starfleet series. I hope you bought plenty of movie tickets and popcorn, cause we are in a for a show!

***

Luna’s horn began to dull as the vision began to cease from Computer's eyes. "Well?"

Computer raised her virtual eyebrow. I don't know... Does this extra bit about me seeing what would happen if my master asked you what would happen if he asked you to show him what would happen if he did review that fic seem kind of pointless? Like it was already a dumb idea, but now we are just going one further?

Luna gave a nod. "Yep."

So, it is not just me then?

"Nope."

Good to know.

THE LAST NEW CHAPTER

This is just a message to all of you who read this story to read my reviews.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be unable to post my reviews on this story for you all to enjoy. It breaks the rules by having a story, despite being unpublished, to be shared and enjoyed by others.

HOWEVER, I want to ensure you all, this is not the end of my reviews! I still plan on doing them on my blog, every Wednesday as usual. I am also creating a blog entry that lists all the reviews I've done and provides links for them, in case you would like to see what I've done.

I will possibly find another way to link these reviews to you, guys, but in a few days, I will be pulling this story off the website. But again, this is not the end of my reviews. Nothing can change that. I simply have to find another way to post them and you can see them on my blog every week.

I apologize for the inconvenience and I hope you all have a great day.

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The Critique

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