Apple Fritter Likes Beavers

by generalsnaz

First published 24th of February, 2014

Apple Fritter likes beavers. Both kinds (wink wink). But her cousin/fillyfriend Applejack doesn't seem too keen on Fritter's new pet beaver, Gnawty Bits. Silliness ensues.

Since the events of Fritter Jacked, Apple Fritter has been happily having a sexy, secret, and taboo relationship with her cousin Applejack. But on the day of the Pet Center Fundraiser, Fritter can't resist bringing a new furry companion into their lives.

But Applejack has no love for dam-building, field flooding, crop ruining beavers! Can Apple Fritter choose between her new pet, Gnawty Bits, and her lover!? Or will she convince AJ to keep the loveable rodent!?

FIND OUT, RIGHT NOW, THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF WORDS:

(Don't read if you have any decency left)

Apple Fritter Likes Beavers (1 of 3)

Applejack was Apple Fritter's favorite cousin, and the energetic young mare thought about her often. But oddly enough, she didn't have to just think about her anymore. Due to unwavering persistence, Apple Fritter landed herself in a secret intimate relationship with AJ (filled with smooching, hay rolling, and everything!) Though her lust-filled dreams had come true, Fritter would occasionally find herself still fantasizing about her loveable farm pony cousin/fillyfriend when they weren't together. In fact, she was doing just that as she wandered through the Ponyville Pet Center Fundraiser.

"Hee, hee, hee..." Apple Fritter giggled to herself, drooling slightly. The sight of some aquatic animals at the fundraiser sparked an ocean themed fantasy about Applejack (in which they were mareitime whale hunters who found new exciting uses for the other end of the harpoon *wink.*) Fritter shook out of her delusions upon catching herself nearly tripping over a filly and her new pet turtle.

'Now, now Apple Fritter. No need tah fantasize 'bout that, none!' Fritter thought to herself with a grin. 'I already have the real Applejack in mah hooves. Hee-hee! Hmmm... Wonder if AJ would like tah try some role-play tahnight? I'll need tah buy some sailor hats... and a harpoon.' The perky yellow earth pony wiped up her drool and took another look around. Half the town was at the event, or so it seemed to her. Apple Fritter had taken an "extended vacation" from her home in Appleoosa to stay at Sweet Apple Acres for an "undefined amount of time" to "help out around the farm" among "other things" (emphasis on the "other things.") So, she had gotten to know a lot of the ponies in Ponyville now and saw many of her friends picking out new pets.

'Hmm... maybe I should get a pet too. It gets kinda lonely 'round the farm when AJ runs off with her friends.' Apple Fritter considered this as she browsed the selections. A plethora of cutesy wootsy adorable animals all peered up hopefully at her, just begging to be taken home (and, of course, to be fed and pampered for the rest of their lives without giving anything in return.) However, Fritter ignored them all as she scanned the crowd until she came across a particular furry creature with a big fat tail.

"Oh. Mah. Celestia... It's... SO DANG CUUUUUUUTE!" Apple Fritter nearly squealed in delight and jumped over the wire fence to gallop up to the peculiar brown coated rodent. She picked up the startled animal and held it airborne like a newborn child. It was just an average castor canadensis, or more commonly known as... a beaver (like the title of the story! Who'd have guessed it!?)

"Heeheeheeheeheehee!!!" Fritter started to dance around on her hind legs, spinning the beaver around much to the confusion of the other animals and onlookers. Once her little outburst was over, Apple Fritter tightly hugged the beaver and held it out to get a good look at it's face. The perky beaver seemed to like the attention and chirped out some gibberish happily. "Goodness, you are... just the cutest beaver I've ever laid eyes on! Besides, a'course, Applejack's beaver!" Apple Fritter turned to some ponies on the other side of the fence. "Hee-hee, that's a zinger! Git it? 'Cause of her vagina!?"

A horrified mother covered her little colt's ears in shock and hurried him away, but Apple Fritter didn't notice. She was now busy rubbing noses with the beaver and making baby noises at it.

"You wanna come home with me, sweetheart?" Apple Fritter asked the rodent as she finally set it down. It hopped up and down cheerfully, it's tiny claws reaching up asking for more. Fritter started to bounce around as well. "I'll take that as a 'yes,' hee-hee! Come on, you can ride on mah back." She kneeled down to allow the beaver to climb on top of her, which it did happily. Soon after, the yellow pony had filled out the paperwork, read a "How to Care for Your Beaver" pamphlet, and was on her way with a new friend riding along.

"Applejack is going to just love you, I just know it," Fritter said to the beaver as she trotted along, flicking her tail back and forth. The beaver mimicked her, wagging it's bulky tail in joy. "You can sleep in our bed! And- oh! Winona and Applebloom can play with you! And Granny can bake you special snacks! And Big Mac can- um... ...And Sweet Apple Acres is huge, you'll have plenty of trees to build dams with!" The pony prattled on and on, totally confident the beaver would fit into the Apple household effortlessly. The grateful beaver squeaked and hugged her mane sweetly (and tiny cartoon hearts appeared!) Fritter simply swooned at the act. "Aww~! Oh, look! There's Applejack now, come on!" Apple Fritter had caught sight of her cousin walking along. She called out to her triumphantly, "AJ, sweetheart!"

At the sound of her initials, the unsuspecting Applejack turned and (in slow mo) her lips collided with Apple Fritter's as the yellow pony gave her a quick kiss ~. Applejack recoiled and looked around frantically to see if anypony had seen them. Luckily, it appeared they were in the clear.

"Consarn it, Apple Fritter!" AJ whispered loudly while keeping her head close to the dirt. "I done told yah a hundred times, don't be doin' that in public! I don't want nopony to find out!"

"And I told you a hundred times, yer just saying that 'cause yer just a teeny bit embarrassed to be my little hayseed!" Apple Fritter retorted sweetly, rubbing Applejack's cheeks playfully and going in for another kiss. Unamused and irritated, AJ slapped her cousin's hooves away, and stuck her own hoof into the oncoming lips.

"No! That ain't it, and you know it!" the frustrated orange pony exclaimed loudly. After a paranoid glance around, she returned to a barely audible whisper. "We're both mares! AND kinfolk! Ponies ain't gonna respond tah our relationship too kindly. Behsides, whut we do in the bedroom is our own business, there ain't no need to flaunt it all about like-" Applejack cut her lecture short, partially because Fritter was too busy staring into her eyes lustfully instead of listening, but mostly because Applejack noticed the beaver watching them from her cousin's back. With a short chuckle, she pointed it out. "It uh, looks like yah picked up an unwanted passenger there, cuz."

"Unwanted? No, sweetheart, this is my new pet. I just adopted it!" Apple Fritter replied confidently, and turned to her side so AJ could see the beaver better. The creature jumped up and down squeaking out its approval while the pony beneath it exclaimed, "Ta-da! It's a beaver!" Applejack just stared for a moment, eyes darting between her cousin and the rodent. She finally started to laugh.

"Heh heh. That's a pretty good one, Fritter. But yah better git that thing off yer back before it gives you rabies or sumthin'."

"Huh? I... I'm serious, Applejack," Apple Fritter replied, a little confused. The two simply looked at each other for an awkward moment before Applejack spoke up.

"W-whut?"

"I'm serious. This is mah pet beaver. She's comin' home with us," Apple Fritter explained (finally revealing the animal's gender to the reader.) Applejack darted her eyes between the two of them again.

"No... it ain't..." she responded slowly, beginning to realize this wasn't a joke. Both the jaws of Apple Fritter and her beaver dropped to the dirt.

"Whut? Why not?" Fritter cried defensibly, failing to hide her shock.

"'Cause beavers ain't pets, sugarcube! They- they ain't like dogs or cats! They're rodents, they're pests, they're a menace! They don't belong on the farm!"

"*GASP!* How can you say such things?" Apple Fritter turned to lightly grab the beaver's back fur with her teeth. Holding it out, she presented it to Applejack like a cat. "Look how cute she is! See how cute she is?" she mumbled through her closed teeth. The beaver held out her widdle hands in a hugging gesture and her eyes sparkled with the innocence of a newborn filly as Apple Fritter brought her closer to her cousin.

"Soak my spades in oil! That's disgustin'!" Applejack cringed, sticking her tongue out in distaste and backing up to get away from the approaching rodent. "Keep that thing away, and for the love of Celestia brush yer teeth before you kiss me again!" Gasping, Apple Fritter released the beaver and it fell face first into the dirt with an amusing *PLOP*!

"AJ! I'm surprised atchyou! She ain't disgustin'!" Fritter picked up the beaver, who was dizzy from the fall, and shook it at Applejack like a ragdoll. "Gnawty Bits is the most adorable beaver in all of Equestria!"

"Right... 'Adorable,' mah flank. Wait... Naughty whut now!?"

"Gnaw-ty Bits! That's her name. 'Cause she's a beaver with a 'beaver,' you know... down there," Apple Fritter explained while pointing to demonstrate the location on the animal. (How clever!)

"Oh for the love of-" Applejack said with a facehoof. "I don't care what it's called, it ain't staying at the farm!"

"I just don't understand why yer protestin' so!" Apple Fritter said, holding Gnawty Bits defensibly. "What have you against beavers!"

"Seriously!? Darlin', I've had to deal with beavers building dams outta mah apple trees and flooding parts of the farm. There ain't no reasoning with 'em, they're gross, they're stupid lookin', and worst of all, they're varmints!"

Apple Fritter gasped in horror and covered Gnawty Bit's ears. "Applejack! Watch yer language!"

"MY language!? Yer the one namin' the thing after its poontang!" Applejack shouted, her temper finally getting the best of her. Unfortunately, most everypony around them heard, including a certain horrified mother and her colt. Beat red after noticing what she did, Applejack lowered her hat to cover her face. Apple Fritter and Gnawty Bits both started to giggle at Applejack's embarrassment. Plainly irritated, AJ mumbled with gritted teeth, "Come on, let's go someplace else." She shuffled her cousin (who now broke into full on laughter) away from the judgmental crowd who began to murmur amongst themselves. Once they had found a private place behind a food stand and Apple Fritter stopped laughing, an aggravated Applejack continued the conversation. "Look sweetheart, this ain't happenin'. I forbid it. Go return that thing, right now." AJ pointed aggressively back to the pens to demonstrate that this beaver was not going to stay.

"But- but-"

"No buts. If you try to bring that thing back home, I'll have to take it out in a field somewhere and- and put it down," Applejack said menacingly, a definite promise of southern violence reflecting in her eyes. (Holy shit, AJ!)

"NO! You wouldn't do that!" Apple Fritter collapsed to the ground and wrapped her terrified beaver in her arms.

"Believe me sugar, I can and I will."

Heartbroken, Apple Fritter whimpered and squeezed Gnawty Bits tightly. After a few moments of contemplation, she realized she couldn't win this argument. "...Okay... I'll return her..." Fritter murmured, tears filling her eyes. Applejack heaved a heavy sigh, relieved her cousin didn't call her bluff.

"Look, Apple Fritter, sugarcube... I'm sorry I had to be so harsh about this, but I'll make it up to you. Next time we go out, I promise I'll buy you whutever yah want. We'll get sumthin' real nice and pretty, okay?"

"Okay..."

"Good. Now, the Pony Tones are about to start, and I need to go support Big Mac and my friends. So why don't you return that-um... animal... and come watch the show?"

"... ...No, I think I'm just gonna head on home... after I take Gnawty Bits back..." Apple Fritter looked sorrowfully into Gnawty Bits' tiny eyes. Applejack reached out with one hoof in an attempt to comfort her fillyfriend, but retracted it before making contact.

"Alright then. I'll leave you to it," Applejack said softly as she walked off. As she glanced back at her lover who started to rock back and forth on the ground tightly hugging the beaver. The orange farm pony took her hat and covered her face to block the sad sight out. "Dag nabbit, Applejack," she murmured to herself. "You coulda handled that better..."

After Applejack had wandered off into the evening, Apple Fritter finally released Gnawty Bits from her embrace. Though the young mare had tears streaming down her face, the beaver was much more calm.

"Well, you heard her. *sniff* You have tah go back now," Apple Fritter whimpered to her beaver companion. Gnawty Bits squeaked something and reached up to wipe away a tear. Fritter smile slightly and giggled a little. "Awww~" She hugged the beaver one last time. While she did, the gears in Apple Fritter's head started to turn.

'Gnawty Bits is adorable and sweet and has the best name in Equestria and I really want tah keep her. Applejack's bein' so darn stubborn about this! ...Gnawty Bits has to stay! She just has to...'

Apple Fritter jumped up, with Gnawty Bits in her hooves, and exclaimed, "You know whut!? Applejack is wrong! I don't care whut she says, yer comin' home with me!" She triumphantly tossed the startled beaver onto her back. "I fought against her stubbornness before and I can do it again!" She turned to Gnawty Bits, who hadn't recovered from the flinging, and declared, "And don't worry, I won't let her lay a hoof on yah, because this time, I won't give up!"

Apple Fritter rose up on her hind legs and kicked her front hooves in the air. "As Celestia as my witness, I'll never be beaverless again!"

Author's Notes:

Yeah, so 2 seconds of screen time for Apple Fritter with a Beaver in Filli Vanilli inspired this story sequel.

New chapter of Ponyville Duet is coming soon, probably before the 2nd part of this.

Apple Fritter Likes Beavers (2 of 3)

Applejack checked her pack nervously to see if the presents were still there. They were, of course. They had been the last 20 times she checked. She fumbled around until she saw the box of chocolates, the bouquet of roses, and the gift-wrapped pair of hair bows. Huffing proudly, she closed up her pack and continued on her way. The Ponyville Pet Center Fundraiser had ended quite some time ago, and Applejack had spent the rest of the evening tracking down shop owners and convincing them to open up long enough for her to buy some gifts. She now trotted home to Sweet Apple Acres with the collection of presents riding with her.

The guilt of seeing her precious Apple Fritter so distraught over their argument prompted the kind-hearted Applejack to try to make amends. Expecting to find a very uncooperative cousin waiting for her back home, she hoped an assortment of gifts would open up avenues of conversation in which she could sincerely apologize. Not that AJ thought she was wrong of course; she was in the right about no-good, dam-building, farm-flooding, beaver varmints. However, she acknowledged that she may have been a tad cruel when explaining that to Apple Fritter. (Applejack had been a real jackhole.)

Anyway, point is, what I'm getting at is, the main focus is she was ready to make things right when she arrived home and walked into the dining room to find her family sitting around watching a beaver doing that Russian squat-and-kick dance on the table. (What a talented beaver!) With some country twang song playing on the record player, Gnawty Bits danced about and made an awful mess of dinner: knocking over drinks and kicking up food. But Granny Smith didn't seem to mind, as she and the rest of the Apples were hootin' and hollerin' in approval and thoroughly enjoying the show.

"Whut in tarnation?" Applejack exclaimed at the sight of pure mayhem in the holiest room in the house: the dining room. Her sanctuary. The one place in the house where she forbade rowdiness. The one place she could relax and eat a hardy meal after a long day's work. But now... Now there was a dirty beaver in it, and it was stepping in her mashed potatoes.

"Hey, Applejack! Look!" Applebloom piped up while mimicking the dance on her own chair. "Apple Fritter got a pet beaver at the fundraiser!"

Applejack dropped her pack and managed to stutter out a response, "Oh, she did, did she?" The stunned farm mare turned to her cousin who just smiled pleasantly at Applejack's accusatory look.

"Yeah! And I ain't never seen anythin' dance like her before!" Applebloom responded. Gnawty Bits smoothly transitioned to performing a river dance at the drop of that compliment. The beaver's attentive audience erupted in cheers.

"Darn tootin'!" Granny Smith hollered. "That beaver sure can shake her groove thang!" Everypony expected Big Mac to say his usual "Eeyup" at this point, but he just nodded in agreement instead. (How suspicious.)

"Wow... y'all sure do like this beaver, don'tcha?" Applejack grimaced through gritted teeth and a forced smile. She kept her distance from the scene by staying safely in the doorway.

"Why, of course they do, Applejack!" Apple Fritter said slyly from across the table. "Everypony loves Gnawty Bits. She's sweet, funny, talented, aaaaand..." Apple Fritter and Applebloom put arms around each other's shoulders and shouted in unison: "SHE HAS THE BEST NAME EVER!!!"

Applejack's eye twitched briefly. "So..." she started hesitantly, "Y'all... are okay... with having this critter here?"

"Oh, PFFFTT!!! Corn feathers! 'Course we are!" Granny Smith answered. "There's always room for one more apple in the Apple Family! 'Specially one that can dance so well!"

"Yeah!" Applebloom responded, now cheering on Gnawty Bits as the beaver spun around on her head like a boss.

Big Mac nodded. (Suspicious again.)

Apple Fritter smiled coyly and triumphantly presented the family's answers to Applejack with a hoof gesture. Applejack shot her an agitated look, but Apple Fritter just deflected the attack with a casual look away. Applejack decided she needed to subvert the induction of this new family member before everypony became attached.

"I don't know, y'all..." Applejack started casually. "Beavers are ornery critters; it don't feel right havin' one in the house. Maybe-" But before she could finish her plea, Apple Fritter sent a discrete wink to Gnawty Bits who acknowledged it with a subtle nod. Then with pre-planned accuracy, the beaver "accidently" smacked a plate of food towards Applejack. With a SPLAT, the orange pony's face became covered in mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. With a screech, the record player stopped and the Apples all gasped in surprise. (Shutup. I know it's cartoon cliché. Don't judge.)

"Oh, dear! Applejack!" Apple Fritter exclaimed with extraordinarily piss-poor acting. "What a terrible accident!"

"You all right, child?" Granny Smith asked as she approached to help her granddaughter who had fallen to her flank.

"I'm fine, Granny," Applejack answered. When she wiped off the mess and once she was able to see again, she shot an angry glare at her scheming cousin. Apple Fritter and Gnawty Bits both had the most fiendish grins imaginable spread across their faces. With devilish joy, they stared triumphantly down at Applejack from their high perch of the table. "I know y'all did that on purpose," Applejack said sternly at the two.

"Whuuuuaaaat?" Apple Fritter asked, feigning shock. "Gnawty Bits would never do such a thing! Her tail just slipped, that's all!" On that cue, the multi-talented Gnawty Bits turned to Applebloom. With her tiny beaver hands pleading innocence to the young filly, she got on her tiny beaver knees and her tiny beaver eyes swelled up with tears (and somepony, somewhere played a sad song on a tiny beaver violin.)

"Aw, she didn't do nuthin' wrong, Applejack," Applebloom told her sister as she fell for the ploy and petted the creature. "It was jus' a mistake."

Big Mac nodded again. (Still suspicious.)

"Uh-huh," Applejack replied, unconvinced, as she got up of the floor and wiped off the last bits of mashed potatoes. "Apple Fritter, can I have a word with you." She squinted angrily. "In private."

"Heh-heh!" Granny Smith nudged Applejack with her elbow. "Lover's quarrel, eh?"

"Wha- Gran- No- What!?" Applejack sputtered out, taken by surprise.

"Hee-hee! I'm just joshin' ya, child," Granny giggled with a wink.

"Oh... heh heh..." Applejack nervously laughed before diverting the conversation. "Granny, I'm famished. Do you think you could mosey on into the kitchen and start dinner while I speak to Fritter?"

"Whudya mean start dinner? I dun finished it already," Granny Smith explained, pointing to the table. There was a few moments of awkward silence as all the Apples stared in unison at the complete mess Gnawty Bits had made. "Oh," Granny Smith said as she finally realized. "Well, don't none of y'all fret none: there's more where that came from."

"I'll help!" Applebloom offered excitedly as she hopped off her chair and darted into the kitchen.

"Alrighty then," Granny Smith acknowledged. "Big Macintosh, could yah clean up this mess so them girls could have their little chat?" Big Mac once again nodded silently. Granny Smith eyed him with suspicion and stroked her chin. The big red pony sweated in response to the investigation. "You've been actin' kinda funny ever since the Turkey Callin' Contest," Granny Smith pointed out. "Could it be ya lost yer voice competin' with Pinkie Pie, and now yah can't perform with The Pony Tones, but if y'all didn't perform at the fundraiser it'd be a disaster, so you, Rarity n' Fluttershy got some Poison Joke, from that there Zecora a'course, and put it on Fluttershy so she'd become Flutterguy and impersonate yer parts in the song, but now yah can't talk or everypony'd find out yah lost yer voice and Fluttershy's embarrassin' secret would be revealed?"

There was a good long minute of silence in the dining room. Gnawty Bits coughed. Big Mac's eyes darted around nervously before he shook his head.

"That's... an oddly specific accusation, Granny," Applejack said plainly, as she shuffled Apple Fritter into another room against her will. "Come on, girl," she muttered to her cousin.

"Mmm..." Granny Smith mumbled to herself as she headed to the kitchen, still eyeing Big Mac.

Once Applejack had taken her cousin out of the room, she grabbed Apple Fritter's tail and dragged her up the stairs.

"Hey! Ow! Oof!" Apple Fritter complained as her head bounced on the hard wood stairs. With each step, she let out one cry.

"Whut were you thinkin'!?" Applejack shouted after she dragged Apple Fritter into her room and slammed the door. "How could you bring that thing back after I told you not to!?"

"Ow... You really hurt me there, Applejack..." Apple Fritter whimpered as she rubbed her jaw.

"Oh, shoot! Sorry, sugarcube. You alright?" Applejack asked with concern after realizing how rough she'd been.

"Haha! I'm not really hurt! It was jus' a ploy to gain yer sympathy!" Apple Fritter announced like it was the best plan ever. She jumped up onto Applejack's bed and pointed down at her cousin defiantly. "Did it work?"

"What- No! I still don't want that beaver-!"

"Ugh. Well, FIIIINE! Guess I don't have a choice anymore!" Apple Fritter complained. "Will THIS change your mind!?" With that, she reached behind her back and dramatically pulled out a picture frame. (Where do cartoon ponies keep things, anyway? Do they have pockets? In their flesh?)

"Um, what's that?" Applejack asked with confusion as she squinted to try make it out.

"Hmm?" Apple Fritter looked down at the picture she was holding. It was beautifully framed photograph of Applejack's rear. It showed certain things. (Oh, so many things.) "Oh, wait. This isn't what I was gonna show you. This is fer me. Fer later." Apple Fritter put the picture back and pulled out something else. "It was THIS!"

"*GASP*!! NOT ALEJANDRO!!?" Applejack cried out. Apple Fritter held up a perfectly pristine apple encased in a magical diamond. "Not the most perfect apple I ever bucked! Twilight protected it with a spell so it couldn't rot for an eternity!"

"Percisely!" Apple Fritter explained. She twirled the diamond around on her hoof. "I wonder whut would happen if I was to break this little barrier here and good 'ol Alejandro were to be smashed!?"

"Don't you dare lay a hoof on him!" Applejack demanded, taking a step forward.

"Oh, that's jus' the beginnin', sweetheart!" Apple Fritter explained like the super villain she had become. "I'm gonna make yer life a livin' hell 'til you accept Gnawty Bits!"

"Never!" Applejack she leapt with great force onto the bed in an effort to charge Apple Fritter down!

"HAHAHAHA!" Apple Fritter laughed maniacally as she tossed Alejandro past Applejack before they collided. The apple spun through through air for a moment before Gnawty Bits leapt up and caught it from the doorway. Applejack, being the stronger pony, easily pinned Apple Fritter down. She looked back for her prized apple and saw the beaver running out the door with it.

"Consarn it! When did HE get in here!?" Applejack shouted.

"Gnawty Bits is a GIRL!" Apple Fritter complained as she lay pinned under her cousin. She was wiggling her legs in a poor attempt to escape.

"Don't care!" Applejack yelled back as she tried to leap off the bed after the rodent, but Apple Fritter caught her leg and tackled her to the ground. "Lemme go!" Applejack shouted trying to push Apple Fritter off.

"Never! RUN GNAWTY BITS, RUN!!!" Apple Fritter called out to her pet.

"What in the hay has gotten into you!?" Applejack cried out as she struggled, accidently kicking Apple Fritter in the face. (Ow.) The force of the blow knocked Apple Fritter across the room and slammed her into a dresser.

"Ouch! Applejack! Not so rough!" Apple Fritter huffed as she rubbed her sturdy earth pony head. "S&M nights are on Tuesdays only!"

"Have you lost yer mind!?" Applejack retorted angrily. "Don't think yer ever gettin' bedded by me again after this!"

"*GASP*!!!" Apple Fritter was dumbfounded that such an obvious threat had been used against her. "Does... Does that mean, no more cunnilingy!?"

"Especially no more cunnilingy!" Applejack yelled as she galloped out the room after the sneaky beaver.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Apple Fritter cried out as Applejack left.

Applejack quickly got down the stairs and looked around menacingly for Gnawty Bits. She ran into the dinning room, trampling over the presents she had gotten for Apple Fritter. She only found Big Mac cleaning the table.

"Big Mac, that vile varmint of a critter come through here!?" Applejack asked her brother angrily.

Big Mac jumped from the shock of his sister suddenly appearing and didn't have second to respond before Applejack interrupted.

"Nevermind! Yer useless!" Applejack blurted out as she ran off, leaving Big Mac alone to be sad. She entered the kitchen and sighted Gnawty Bits running out the door into the yard. "Come back here!" she shouted, startling Applebloom who was on a stool nearby stirring some grub. Granny Smith didn't seem to be around. Applejack dashed outside and leapt at the beaver, but Gnawty Bits expertly skipped aside to avoid her. She crashed into the dirt as Gnawty Bits giggled and ran off into the shadows.

"HEY, APPLEBLOOM!!!" Applejack heard Apple Fritter yell from the kitchen before she could get up. "WANNA HEAR WHUT ME AND YER SISTER HAVE BEEN DOIN' AT NIGHT!?"

"Um... I guess?" Applebloom answered back in the kitchen, quite confused as her cousin Apple Fritter had just run in and yelled the question at her face.

"Well!" Apple Fritter began. "It has sumthin' to do with birds and bees and beave--!!!" Apple Fritter couldn't finish, as Applejack rushed back into the kitchen and grabbed her face, covering her mouth and cutting off her ability to speak.

"Nope! We're not talkin' bout that tonight!!!" Applejack interrupted. "Applebloom!" she shouted, turning to her sister. "Scootaloo jus' called! I think she jus' got her Cutie Mark!"

"WHAT, NO WAY!?" Applebloom exclaimed in disbelief. "I GOTTA GO SEE!!!" She leapt off the stool and galloped out the front door of the house. (She's gonna be real disappointed.)

Applejack dropped Apple Fritter and ran out the back to look around for Gnawty Bits, but it was dark and the rodent was nowhere to be found.

"Alright, where's she goin' with Alejandro!?" Applejack asked intensely as she held Apple Fritter in a choke hold. "What's she gonna do to him!?"

"Aaaaaahh... This is actually kinda erotic..." Apple Fritter moaned as she started to lose oxygen.

Applejack released Apple Fritter from the choking, but then slammed her head, face first, into the floor with immeasurable strength, splintering the kitchen floorboards. (Pony Jesus! How violent!)

"Okay. Ow. That one hurt," Apple Fritter muttered.

"Answer me, Apple Fritter!" Applejack threatened.

"Let's jus' say you shoulda been more careful the last time you SAW him! Hahahaha! *Cough*!!" Apple Fritter coughed up a piece of the floorboard. "Wait, why did I just give you a hint?" she asked herself aloud.

"The barn! Of course!" Applejack realized. She left her cousin crushed into the floor and galloped to the barn as fast as she could. She bucked the doors wide open and exclaimed, "Stop right there, you!"

Gnawty Bits turned to Applejack as she held up a running chainsaw. She was wearing an adorable little yellow construction helmet and was poised to buzz Alejandro in two! (Seriously, what an astoundingly talented beaver.)

"No, wait! Stop! Gnawty Bits, please don't!" Applejack begged when she saw how dangerous the situation was. Gnawty Bits lowered the buzzing chainsaw blades slowly towards the encased apple. Applejack got on her knees and pleaded, "I'll do anythin'! Jus'... jus' don't hurt him! He's too perfect to die like this!"

"Well, well, well..." Apple Fritter said with a grave tone as she came up behind Applejack who was now cowering on the barn floor. With a floorboard sticking out of her mane, she strolled past Applejack, up to a barrel and bent over to snidely say to it, "How the mighty Applejack has fallen!"

"I'm... over here," Applejack pointed out bluntly from behind her.

"Huh?" Apple Fritter turned around, revealing her crossed eyes, and shook her head. "Sorry bout that! I'm a little dizzy from gettin' my head slammed into the floor! Haha!" She wobbled over to her cousin, shaking her hoof in front of her to try to make contact. She finally found Applejack and patted her face a few times as she made sure. "Oh, here you are! Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! I think you know whut it takes to save yer precious little Alejandro. All you have to do is say a few words." She leaned down to Applejack's face and said slowly, "I. Can keep. The Beaver."

"You... You... can't do this...!" Applejack bottom lip pouted as she pounded the ground in frustration. She glanced at Gnawty Bits, who hovered the chainsaw in position for apple murder. She face-planted into in the dirt and hay. She clenched her hooves in disgust at what she was about to say. Grimacing, she muttered, "You can... keep the beaver..." Applejack's tension left her body and lay defeated on the floor.

"Hooray!" Apple Fritter and Gnawty Bits jumped for excitement.

Gnawty Bits tossed the chainsaw away and it crashed into Big Mac's favorite heirloom (but that's a story for a different day.) She waddled up to Applejack and laid Alejandro down before her.

Apple Fritter held up one side of Applejack's droopy, mopey face and Gnawty Bits held up the other. "You won't regret this my dear sweet Applejack! We're all gonna get along great, you'll see!" Apple Fritter exclaimed. She went in and pecked a kiss on Applejack's cheek while Gnawty Bits simultaneously kissed the other cheek. "Come along, Gnawty! Let's help Granny Smith with dinner! I jus' love mashed taters!"

Apple Fritter left with her beaver riding on her back, leaving Applejack to stew alone in the barn.

Author's Notes:

That's a messed up doodle.

How many dislikes will I get this time!?