"Goddamn chickens!! Eat the corn! Eat it! What's your fucking problem?! Don't like corn, huh?! WELL, TOO BAD!!" Rainbow began pelting the chickens scrounging around in the pen outside the henhouse with hooffuls of dried corn from the rusty old pail of chicken feed. She didn't like the chickens. She didn't like feeding the chickens. The chickens were assholes. She'd much rather prefer to roast the little bastards with a blowtorch than feed them. In fact, she could probably get Scoots to hook her up and make that fantasy a reality.

"Oh, so we're gonna' play it that way, huh? Okay, then...well, I'm just gonna' hafta' hold ya' down and MAKE you eat it!!", she cried and began chasing after the nearest hen.

Predictably...all the hens scattered, clucking and bawking sporadically as they evaded the little, blue Pegasus. Rainbow hated this chore. She hated it even more than cleaning cow shit out of the barn. She didn't at all mind feeding the pigs, seeing as the pink, fleshy gluttons didn't require any coaxing to come to the trough and start stuffing their faces. And as an additional perk of the job, albeit Rainbow would never admit it as being such, she got to feed the little piglets. That part was her favorite. They were so adorable! They squealed and oinked and ran right up to her, pressing their moist, little piggie snouts into her shins. Of course, they were only looking for food...but come on! Piggies! (Itty bitty widdle pink baby piggies!!...d'awww...so cute...not at all LIKE THESE GODDAMN RETARDED-ASS CHICKENS!!!!) Feeding the chickens was laborious for one reason; the hens were scared of Rainbow. Mac had told her that it would take some time until they got used to her and began recognizing her as the pony who would feed them. Rainbow took a running dive at a nearby hen and managed to grab hold of the biddy's leg. The panicking bird flapped her wings to escape...after that tactic failed to work, she decided to start pecking at Rainbow's forehoof.

"OWW! Cut it out!! I'm just...trying...to...give you....FOOD!!", she yelled in between anguished muffles of pain betwixt pecks. Rainbow lost her grip on the frightened biddy and began moping.

"Ugghhh....why is this so hard? It's just throwing corn at a bunch of birds! Why won't they friggin' eat it!!?"

It had been a week since Rainbow and Ditzy Doo had moved in with the Apples. The two Pegasi began taking up AJ and Mac's chores in order to free up more of their time to work the fields. It hadn't been easy. Between training for the upcoming competition and doing all the needed farmwork, Rainbow had started to run herself ragged. Ditzy wasn't faring much better. She was working for the post office full time and doing her own load of chores. And to make matters even worse, Rainbow's new "employers" expected her to wake up at 5:00 A.M.!! That was ridiculous! Hell...some nights after she'd dragged herself home drunk, that was when Rainbow went to sleep! How did Mac and AJ do it?! They made it look so easy! Rainbow groaned and laid her face in the dirt. The chickens clucked to her what she assumed were utterly ribald, puerile insults in their annoying, cluckety-cluck-cluck chicken language, as they skitted about the pen evasively. Animals had never taken an especial liking to her. She was surprised Tank even liked her. A nearby hen clucked another chicken slur at Rainbow, as she laid in the dirt and wallowed in self-pity.

"Well, fuck you, too, ya' stupid, bird bitch! An' the rest a' ya', too! You can all friggin' starve for all I care!" Of course, Rainbow knew this was an empty threat. So, too, did the chickens. They knew the score. They knew the game. Rainbow had no power here...no true power...and she was soon reminded as to why. It was an additional reason she'd forgotten entirely until this very moment.

"BUUUHHHHKAAAAWWWWWKKK!!!!!", shrieked an unseen, avian entity from within the wooden hollows of the henhouse.

"Oh...oh, shit. I-I...I woke up that freakin' psycho!" She had indeed. The psycho in question stepped forth into the midst of his fellow birdfolk. It was...him. The Soulpecker. The Scratcher of Faces. The Render of Flesh. The Avian Blooddemon. It was...Billy the Rooster.

"Stay away from me, you freak! I-I know karate!!" She did indeed. But so, too, did Billy. At least the rooster equivalent to karate. He began displaying his martial prowess with a series of kicks and wing flaps. Rainbow gulped. Those talons were sharp.

"BAWKBAWKBAWK BUHKAAAWWK!!" Billy charged. Rainbow didn't hesitate. She turned an "about face" and began running for her life. She wasn't particularly proud of running from something a third her size but...man...c'mon. Those talons seriously hurt.

"*pant* L-Leave me alone! *pant* I got no beef with you, man!!" Billy ignored her pleas. But a sudden thought struck Rainbow...(wait a minute...can't I just...fly?...oh, c'mon!!) She took to the air and began hovering just out of the psychotic rooster's reach. Billy vaulted over the chickenwire fence in pursuit of his now airborne quarry. The brown leghorn stopped directly underneath his prey and just started staring at her...with those...creepy, yellow eyes. Rainbow decided it was time for trash talk.

"Hah! Can't get me up here now can ya', douchebag?! Whatcha' gonna' do, huh? NOTHIN'! That's what! Hehehe..." Her mirth was short-lived unfortunately.

She'd forgotten a single, critical fact: Roosters can fly. Well...not technically fly...not literally. But they can flap their wings while jumping to get some serious air. Which is sort of like flying...sort of. And...Billy suddenly squatted down on his haunches and performed a live demonstration of this "rooster jump" principle. Rainbow wished, for what would most certainly not be the last time, that she'd paid more attention in school. The brown leghorn's talons tore through the fragile membrane that covered the little Pegasus's left wing. She screamed in pain and began her inevitable, ten foot descent to the ground. A shower of baby blue feathers and a light spattering of blood followed her. She landed on the ground unceremoniously...right on her ass. She groaned and stood up.

"Owww...that really hurt. Now my butt's sore." (That's what she said!...hehehe... Man...I wish Red had heard that...he'd have thought it was funny...)

She rubbed her now aching keister and continued feeling sorry for herself. She wasn't cut out for this line of work. Between waking up at an ungodly hour and having to deal with psychotic barn animals, she'd started to lose her tentative grasp on her enthusiasm for living here at Sweet Apple Acres. The brown leghorn psycho-chicken had sliced her wing deep in a perfect gushing cut that was at least six inches in length. It made Rainbow think about those old, black and white Neighponese movies about grizzled samurai cutting things in half with katanas and a damn near superequine precision and skill. That psycho definitely would've made a great rōnin samurai in medieval Neighpon. His talents were clearly being wasted on an isolated farm way out in the middle of Buttfuck Nowheretown. But...that reminded her of something...maybe she sho-

"BUHKAAAAWWWWK!! BAWK BAWK BAWK!!!", screamed the murderous fowl as he charged his newly earthbound foe. Strange how being dumped on your butt could make you forget that your life was in peril. Rainbow took off in the opposite direction. She wasn't too keen on getting close to this crazy, little bastard again. It seemed...unhealthy.

"*huff* *huff* Dude! Lemme' alone!! *pant* I didn't do shit to you!!" She thought about making a B-line for the farmhouse...but no...it was too far.

She was already limping from the debilitating effects of her recent fall. Which was bad. Billy had almost caught up to her. And when he finally did catch her...Schlick! (...no...you're gonna' make it!) Rainbow had heard from her little buddy, Spike, just how effective fancy, evasive maneuvers really were. Answer: Apparently...not very. She really shouldn't have tried running in a serpentine. Before long, Billy the Fucking Lunatic Chicken had caught up with her. He jumped atop the little Pegasus's back and began mercilessly pecking her all over her hindquarters. The sharp, little jabs in her behind had caused Rainbow's concentration to lapse for a brief moment...just long enough for her to trip right over the metal chicken feed pail sitting right outside the chickenwire. Rainbow went face first down into the tawny dirt of Sweet Apple Acres. She rolled almost two feet before stopping. And of course...Billy hadn't at all been harmed in the process. The evil, little shit resumed pecking at Rainbow and maligning her with his sadistic, chickeny shrieks. Rainbow curled up into a ball and covered herself with her pretty, blue wings to ward off the rooster's assault. She suddenly decided that she didn't very much care for Billy the Rooster. It was a bit of a belated epiphany...but it still warranted validity. Billy the Rooster was a bit of an asshole. That went without saying, though. Did it still need to be evidenced as such? She decided that it didn't. Verdict: Billy was an asshole.

"Ow! Lemme' alone! Ow! Cut it out, motherfucker!", she cried in between pecks and scratches from the psycho-chicken tyrant of Sweet Apple Acres. She tried fending the little bastard off by swatting at him with her hooves...but he merely dodged her every attack...like...a chickeny...roostery...cluckety acrobat/kung fu master. Rainbow decided that this scenario was complete bullshit. She swallowed her pride and began calling for help...

"Ow! GUYS! Ow! GET THIS FREAK OFFA' ME!! Ow! Cut it out, faggot! Ow!" It was a good thing that her voice carried well. Rainbow knew that Mac and Steelheart were up on top the roof of one of the barns repairing it's tiles and whatnot. She prayed that they'd been able to hear her cries. The situation wasn't turning out to be all that pleasant.

Rainbow was getting her ass handed to her by an eight pound rooster. Granted, that was pretty big for a rooster...but...still. Needless to say, she wasn't feeling particularly proud of herself right about now.

"Well, 'ello 'ello, beautiful! How're ya' doin' today, luv?", called out Constable Steelheart in his melodious baritone from atop the roof of Sweet Apple Acre's cattle barn. AJ looked up at the big stallion calling for her from her position on ground level.

"Hey, I ain't too shabby now, big feller. But dontchu' be tryin' none of them moves on me, boy. I'm on to you, ya' hear?", she called up to him.

Mac grinned and shook his head, continuing his task of spreading the hot tar all over the barn's roof that would be the binding agent for the tiles. He and his old friend were wearing their military-issued trousers and bloused steel-toe combat boots for traction and carrying capacity whilst working atop the blistering roof. The two stallions were each decked out with a heavy leather tool belt lined with the various tools one might need while performing a task such as this one. Steel wasn't wearing his usual Imperial National Police getup, in the granted exception of his blue patrol cap atop his head. He'd likely kept it on to keep the glaring sun from giving him a sunburn atop his closely buzzed pate. It was a blisteringly hot day. The temperature had risen up to about 94 degrees Marenheit...and it was only about 1000 in the morning. Mac didn't very much look forward to how hot it would be by noontime. And it was for this very reason that the big, red stallion was especially grateful for his old friend's help. Steel had taken out a vacation day from the constabulary to help Mac tile the cattle barn's roof, bringing his sweet, little pregnant wife, Colgate, with him. The pregnant, little dentist had been constantly making trips between the farmhouse and out to the barn where they were working to keep the two of them hydrated.

"Oi! C'mon, beautiful! I already called dibs on ya' fer bein' me "backup wife." Thankfully, AJ burst into a fit of laughter.

Of course, Bobby wasn't very fond of the idea that his young, pregnant wife could potentially collapse from heat exhaustion...and he'd constantly informed her of his concerns. But the little, blue Unicorn merely waved off her husband's worries and told him she wasn't going to just lay up on her ass like a useless blob...whether he liked it or not. So the two stallions just concentrated on the task at hoof. They were almost halfway done...they were tarring small sections of the wooden baseboards they'd nailed down and covering them with tiles as they went. Everything was going quite swimmingly...well...most everything. Steelheart had a tendency to entertain himself in whatever way he could whenever he was performing a grueling or tedious task...such as this one. And it was rather unfortunate for Mac, that he had a rather pretty, young sister gallivanting about the place. Every time Mac's old buddy came to visit the farm, he pretended to hit on his little sister just to screw with him. Of course, he didn't mean anything by it...but it was still occasionally a source of problems for the Apples as a whole. AJ's temper sometimes got the better of her when Steel's "irreverent" sense of humor offended her. Thankfully, this didn't seem to be the case today.

"Hehehe...oh, man...ya' know...yer wife's headed this way with a tray a' iced tea, ya' overgrown, Coltney idgit." The big, white stallion merely shrugged as he continued swabbing the roof with his tar-coated mop.

"Meh. She already knows 'bout ya', me little darlin'. We came to an agreement, the two of us did. If one of us gives up the ghost 'fore the other, then we fall back on our "backup spouses."

"That's the damndest thing I ever done heard! So...what? If Colgate bites the "big one", then you an' me get hitched?"

"That's the gist of it, luv." AJ smirked.

Mac didn't like that look of hers. He knew she was likely just joking around and participating in some harmless flirtation, but it still made him uncomfortable to think of his little sister as anything but a celibate, little angel. She was a twenty three year old mare, and Mac highly doubted that she still had her "V Card." She'd already grown up while he'd been off fighting Griffons, Badlands Bandits, and Diamond Dogs in various, unnamed hellholes...and he had missed most of her teen years. He wasn't sure whether that was a blessing or a curse, but what he did know was that his little, baby sister Jackie was all grown up. In fact, Mac himself had had the misfortune of bearing witness to just how "grown up" his little sissy had gotten...by walking into the barn one night a while back...to find her and Caramel, a local stallion, groping and kissing atop a soft pile of hay. (Oh, man...why'd I have to go an' 'member that shit again?! *shudder*)

"Hehehe...well, then...you better watch yer six there, big fella'. I'm a hoofful to deal with, lemme' tell ya'." Bobby looked uncomfortable. He'd been hoisted by his own petard.

"I uh...bet you are, darlin'. But uh...yeah..." Colgate had arrived and was now standing next to the barn ladder with a tray of iced tea in tow that was being magically levitated by her horn's aquamarine aura. She had an amused, resigned expression on her pretty features.

Mrs. Colgate Minuette Steelheart was a rather petite, little Unicorn with a light blue coat, a vanilla and azure, two-toned mane, and a pair of deep, blue eyes. Her Cutie Mark was a small hourglass that denoted her uncanny ability to keep up with several, strict patient schedules at once, no matter how hectic and busy her day became. Mac could see that the young mare was starting to show the tell-tale signs of a mid-stage pregnancy...this was usually only visibly discernible when she wasn't wearing her white lab coat like right this instant. Mac knew quite a bit about her and had even double dated with her and her husband back when he'd still been dating Cherilee. Steel had given him the full rundown of his wife last year when they were still just engaged. The girl was only twenty seven years old and had earned a full doctorate in medicine, specializing in oral surgery and anesthesiology. Bobby had first met her on one of his very first patrols through town as Ponyville's brand new lawpony. The two of them were completely smitten with one another. And Mac couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of envy. The lovely, little dentist was definitely a looker. Mac had to admit...Bobby was a lucky guy. He wished he could find a girl to love him that much...(...Rainbow...no...)

"Hey, baby? You telling these two about our "backup spouse" deal?" Mac wondered who Colgate had chosen for her backup husband. He knew this was all just a forced attempt at "humor", but the thought was still tantalizing.

"Coley? Issat iced tea ya' got there, darlin'?" Colgate nodded.

"Yeah. Why don't you and my "backup husband" come down from there and take another break? The weather report said the heat index for today was gonna' get up to about 102 degrees." Mac grinned at his old friend.

"'Ey, bruv. Don't get no funny ideas, ya' nutter."

"Hmm...so if you kick the bucket there, Bobby, then I get yer wife? Sounds like a win-win to me." Bobby chuckled nervously.

"Hehehe...easy there, Red. Don't get all mental on me. Yer just arsin' around, yeah?"

"Hmm...I wonder how many bones you'd break, if I tossed ya' offa' this here roof, Bobby. You reckon it'd be fatal?"

"Hehehe...err...c'mon now. That's enough there, mate...hehehe...you ain't...you ain't actually considerin'...uh..."

"You actually thought I was serious, man? Shit...hehehe. Didn't think I was that great an actor.", said Mac, as he began his descent down the ladder leaning up against the side of the big, red cattle barn. Steelheart followed him after he'd reached the bottom rung.

"Ha! What d'ya' take me for, mate? I ain't some ignorant div. Or am I? What do you think, angel eyes?", said the brawny, white constable as he walked up to his wife. Colgate magically set the tray of beverages down on a nearby stump and pulled her husband into an embrace.

"Hehehe...I married you for that ass, baby. Not for your brains."

"Woah, woah, woah, angel! Ya' don't wanna' get too close right this second. I'm bloody drenched in sweat." His little wife ignored him and kissed him.

"Oh, please, Bobby. Like I care. Seriously. Half my job is rooting around other pony's mouths all day. A little bit of sweat doesn't bother me." She buried her snout into his neck, prompting the big stallion to emit a low chuckle. Mac thought it was pretty goddamn adorable how the two of them acted around one another, but he'd never admit it out loud. Steel would just rib him for being "a thespianic arse bandit."

"Is that so, luv? Well, then maybe that 'splains why ya' don't mind a lotta' the nastier things we do, eh?..hehehe... Like sharin' a toothbrush an' all that." AJ recoiled in disgust.

"Oh! Dang, Coley! Eeyuck! Y'all seriously use the same damn toothbrush?" Colgate and Steel flashed the farmgirl a puzzled expression.

"What's wrong with couples sharing the same toothbrush, Applejack? It's not that big a deal, really. I mean...we're constantly swapping microbes orally every time we kiss, anyway. And it's not like I don't know where Bobby's mouth has been or anything. In fact...hehehe...last night...I knew exactly where it was...for over thirty minutes...hehehe...ain't that right, baby?", crooned the little Unicorn in a low, sensual voice to her husband. Bobby nodded and the two of them began giggling like a pair of amorous high school seniors.

"Okay. I'mma'...I'mma' go...go an' find me somethin' to burn that image outta' my goddang skull. Maybe drink me some damn rubbin' alcohol or somethin'.", said AJ, as she turned and began walking back towards the farmhouse. Colgate called after her.

"Hey, I'll come with you, AJ. I think those muffins I made for Ditzy are almost done baking. Huh. Don't think she heard me... Hmm...maybe she has a point, though. I better check you out real quick, Bobby.", she crooned while pulling back down on her husband's neck to bring him in for another kiss.

The married couple began making out in earnest in full view of anypony present. Unfortunately, the only pony present was John Apple. Eventually, the two of them decided to escalate their PDA to "Prenching," a rather salacious means of locking lips that involved ample amounts of tongue...of course...the Prench were the first to inspire it's widespread usage in Equestria. Mac began awkwardly looking away while rubbing the back of his neck. He started wondering as to whether or not the two lovebirds were doing this on purpose. But thankfully...and after a final, unfortunate display of an arguably criminal bit of groping and petting, the two ponies disengaged from one another. Mac breathed a sigh of relief. Colgate began cooing something in her husband's left ear. She likely didn't know that Mac had been trained to eavesdrop without appearing to do so...he could hear the faintest bits of conversation from virtually unheard of distances.

"I'll come back and check on you in a bit, baby, okay? Don't work too hard. I don't want you too tuckered out today...hehehe...it might impact your "performance" tonight. Oh, and remember how I asked you if you'd try out something a little...uh..."different" this past week? Well...let's try it tonight. Already bought the baby oil and everything. All ya' gotta' do is show up and bring that ass...hehehe..." Bobby turned a bright shade of red and began snickering nervously while looking over in Mac's direction. The big constable had received the same surveillance training as Mac had, so the possibility of him overhearing them had likely just crossed his mind. Mac finally decided enough was enough.

"Okay, okay. That's enough you two. Thanks for bringing us somethin' to drink, Coley. Y'all just did all that stuff fer my benefit...didn't ya'?" The married couple both gave Mac an exaggerated, toothy grin known to country folks as "a shit-eating grin." He was well acquainted with it's proper implementation and intent.

"You're most certainly welcome, big guy. Oh, and as for that second question...well...off course, we did. Now you have to endure the awkward tension left in our wake...hehehe...see ya' in a bit, baby. But remember...tonight...you.", said Colgate menacingly, as she began walking back towards the farmhouse. Robert Steelheart merely grinned in response. Mac walked over to the tray of iced tea sitting on the tree stump and turned up one of the glasses. Steel walked over and did the same. The cold, sweet nectar was just what they needed on a torrid, hellish day such as this one.

"Phew. Thank God fer me best girl, eh? Thought we were goners fer a while there, mate. She's a right, little tart, she is." Mac shrugged. He knew that the two of them were about to discuss some rather grim business again. He figured it was better to just go ahead and get it out of the way now that the two of them were alone like this. He braced himself and asked about it.

"Yeah. Yer a lucky feller, Bobby....well...I reckon we better go over what we've learned so far 'bout our uh..."little problem", huh?" Bobby sighed and nodded.

"Right you are, mate...though I'm more than a bit reluctant to talk about this sorta' shite right now...*sigh*...so...you get any fix on the bitch while you were out trackin' her? Ya' know...besides them scratches on the barn door?", said Steel in a deflated tone while pointing towards the door in question. Mac shook his head.

"Not so much as a single, fuckin' track, man. Damndest thing. You'd think she'd a' left at least somethin' by now. Bitch is a like goddamn ghost fart." Bobby chuckled and took a swig of his tea.

"Hehehe...yeah. Me boys haven't learned nothin' new, either. Oh, except for one thing: Them wards are down to about one quarter strength." Mac cursed and spat. He finished his iced tea and set the glass back down on the tray. He took out his pack of smokes and lit one up with his father's old lighter.

"It's a goddamn mystery, man, I tell ya' what. I know these things are all alien an' "mystical" an' whatnot, but they're still fuckin' tangible. Still concrete an' physical. How'n the hell ain't she left so much as a single trace a' where she's been? Well...'cept fer them scratches on the door...had to tell AJ that it was a mountain lion what done it or somethin'. Man...I hate lyin'..." Bobby nodded sympathetically.

"I know ya' do, bruv. But it's better that we keep this outta' the public eye fer now. Might incite a panic. Only ponies who're on a need to know basis are you, me, the mayor, and the Castle. *sigh* So...you ain't found nothin' at all? Not even a broken branch? Blood spatter? Nothin'?" Mac shrugged again.

"Not a single clue, Bobby. It's almost like she ain't even here. But we both know otherwise."

"That we do, mate. But I did get a few tidbits of information off the radio that may or may not be related to our predicament. Fancy hearin' it?"

"No, Bobby. I don't wanna' hear any of your information that might be crucial to what we're fuckin' doin' here. Not even a little bit."

"Oh, you and yer sarcasm. Balls to the both of ya'. You wanna' hear this or not, mate?"

"C'mon, man! Out with it already!"

"Oi! Don't get yer knickers in a wad, Red. Ya' know I'm here helpin' ya' fix yer bleedin' roof fer free...outta' the goodness of me heart." Mac snickered.

"Mmmmmbullshiiiiieeeet. You just came to flirt with AJ, and 'cause I promised ya' a free barrel a' cider."

"Okay...so maybe those were contributin' factors...but still..."

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks fer helpin' out 'round here, man. We 'ppreciate it."

"Is that it?" *puppy eyes* "

"Shit, man...whaddya' want from me? A fuckin' hug?" Bobby smiled and advanced on Mac to embrace him.

"That's exactly what I want. Now c'mere an' hug yer old mate, ya' big, randy beast! Oooh! You smell nice even though yer sweaty...must be the aftershave. So studly! Tee-hee!" Steel wrapped the big, red stallion in a comically effeminate hug. Mac just decided to humor him.

"Yeah, yeah. I love you too, buddy. Okay. That's enough stallin' fer one day. Whaddya' got for me?" Bobby let go of his old friend and became serious once more.

"Right. Well, I got some good news, some bad news, and some somewhat ambiguously valued news. Whaddya' wanna' hear first, bruv?"

"Alright. Gimme' the good news first."

"Well...I got the final figure on that bounty from the mayor. She got on the horn with the Castle, and the Interior Ministry authorized her to grant a maximum bounty of up to 20k bits." Mac made a low whistle and let his friend continue. That was a pretty handsome reward. It almost outweighed the danger of the job. Almost.

"Yep. She done wired the money from the Imperial coffers to the town coffers already. All we gotta' do now is kill the pissin' slag. Easier said than done, though. Oh, and provide evidence of the kill."

"Damn...I really 'ppreciate this, Bobby. But I still don't understand why ya' won't accept any of the bounty. Yer doin' half the work. You deserve half the money." Steel shook his head and set his glass of iced tea back down on the tray.

"No, Red. I don't want it. An' I don't need it. Already told ya' three times, bruv. Coley is pullin' in 'bout 130k a year, an' I'm pullin in 'bout 55k. An' that ain't countin' some a' the side contracts I've taken directly from the Castle."

"I dunno, man. It just don't feel right. Feels like I'm fuckin' ya' on the bounty."

"Nope. Don't want it. Don't wanna' hear no more 'bout it, ya' savvy? Keep the bleedin' quid, Red. You and yer family need it a lot more than me an' Coley. Least I can do, mate." Mac nodded and patted his friend on back.

"Alright. I'll drop the subject. Thanks, man. Really. So...any more good news?" Bobby began nervously rubbing the back of his.

"Well...maybe...'spose it all depends on yer definition of "good", really."

"Oh, shit. Here we go."

"Such pessimism! Tsk, tsk, tsk. But...yeah. I guess we got us some more "good" news."

"You ain't gotta' keep stoppin' to get feedback, man. We're short on time here. Keep goin'."

"Oh. Right. Well...after I done filed that bloody report on all that's been bangin' around here, the Castle got back in touch with me. The Crown took a direct interest in our "little problem." 'Pparently...the Princesses themselves see this shite we're in as bein' bad enough to send help our way."

"Uh..."help?"

"Righto. "Help." And also help without the quotations. Celestia is sendin' her star pupil back to good, ole' Ponyville to give us a hoof findin' this ole' slag. But it's comin' with a price tag, Red." Mac didn't like where this was going.

"What's the damage?"

"The Interior Ministry is sendin' us an extra agent to help out. An' also, prob'ly as a means of accountability an' the like." Mac raised a single eyebrow. Something his friend had said piqued his interest.

"Well...that don't surprise me all that much. I reckon they'd wanna' keep tabs on us. Can't blame 'em. Fer some goddamn reason, the Everfree is a breedin' ground fer anomalous magicks an' shit. Somethin' crazy jumps on outta' them woods every other week, man. Hell...that's the primary reason Celestia sent Twilight here to begin with. But you said somethin' that sounded a little funny there, Bobby..."

"Oh? Wassat?"

"You said they were sendin' us an "extra agent." Who's the first agent they sent, Bobby?" Steel began chuckling and covered his eyes with his left forehoof.

"Oh, bollocks...hehehe...yeah. I shoulda' reckoned you'd catch on eventually, mate. Lemme' level with ya': Even though I'm officially workin' fer the Imperium as a constable here in Ponyville, I'm also workin' fer the Interior Ministry." Mac really wasn't all that surprised.

"Huh. I guessed about as much." Robert Steelheart's eyes widened with surprise.

"Uh...you ain't all wound up over me lyin' to ya'?"

"Eenope. It's just yer job, man. Yer a damn spy. Lyin' just comes with the territory. It'd be like gettin' mad at a soldier fer killin' somebody or a firefighter fer puttin' out a fire. And I reckon ya' only took the assignment to be here with Coley an' me." Bobby smiled and nodded.

"Well...I must say, you ole' sod...yer bein' right mature 'bout all this."

"Eeyup. It's called "adulthood." Don't fret yerself. You'll reach it's vaunted, mystical shores yet, old friend. Just keep on hopin' and always carry a song in yer heart! Ya' just gotta' BELIEVE!!!" Mac did a girly, little skip into the air and traced a rainbow with his hooves. Even though he was joking, he really hoped another Rainbow hadn't seen him being such an idiot. (What am I? Fourteen years old? Fuck.)

"Hehahaheh!!!...oh...fuck me, Red...didn't take ya' fer a poof. Now we know better, eh? But seriously...you're right. Lemme' fill you in. Might as well now, anyway, right?"

"Go ahead. But I'm purdy sure I can fill in the blanks myself, Bobby."

"Oooh! Strong and smart! Such a dreamy bloke, you are, Red! Anyway...once we got our separation papers an' went our separate ways, I got approached by an intelligence agency recruiter. Basically...soon as I got sworn in, I requested a transfer to Ponyville to be with you an' Coley. They offered me this assignment here where I'd basically just use me badge as a cover. Pretty much had the same bleedin' duties as Princess Twilight. I've been reporting anything out of the ordinary directly to the Castle for over a year now. Now...don't go thinkin' I'm spyin' on the townsfolk or nothin'. Ain't like that."

"I wasn't insinuatin' that ya' were, man. Please. Continue."

"So polite, too! Ooh! Well...I ain't lookin' fer political dissidents or some such bollocks. Mostly keepin' an eye on the Everfree an' them bandits to the north. You'd be right buggerfucked, if ya' knew just how much madness is goin' down way out here in the middle of Buttfuck Nowheretown. Two dragon migrations...twelve anomalous fluctuations of dark magick in the Everfree...three manticore attacks...hell...I've busted eight...read me lips...eight soddin' drug deals just outside of town. Every day, I find another fuckin' soap-dodger shootin' up or lightin' up under that old bridge. It's gettin' worse an' worse, mate. Those blokes to the north keep sneakin' back into city limits to push their junk...mostly a bit a' "old man's pearls", some "green pollen", and even a little bit a' the ole' "Zebrican marchin' powder." Mac sighed in exasperation. Sometimes...it wasn't at all easy to decipher his old friend's Dappleshore vernacular.

"Goddangit, Bobby...hehehe...you can just say "oxies, weed, an' coke." Not everythin's gotta' be a fuckin' riddle wrapped in an enigma, motherfucker." Bobby snickered.

"Aww...but what's the fun a' havin' yerself a job pinchin' drug pushers, if ya' can't participate in all the super cool, criminal slang? Anyway...yeah...as it turns out, Ponyville is a lot more relevant than one might think. Also...didn't ya' get approached by an Interior Ministry recruiter yerself after ya' got out, Red? I'd imagine ya' would. We both got the same credentials, bruv." Mac indeed had been approached by one.

"Eeyup. Had to turn 'im down, though. I considered it...but AJ an' Granny couldn't keep the farm afloat without me fer much longer. So...what's this ambiguous news?"

"Well...asides from the extra "help" we're gettin'...the Castle decided not to send a detachment a' troops way out here in our neck a' the woods. Interpret that however ya' fancy."

"Hmm. I get ya'. Could be good news. Could be bad news. Time'll tell, I guess." Mac knew that the Castle's decision to belay sending a contingency of soldiers to Ponyville could be interpreted as good news or as a bad omen. The Crown might have thought the situation wasn't dire enough to merit marching a bunch of steel-clad grunts into the center of a relatively peaceful town with a rather meek populace. Of course, the Crown could be vastly underestimating the severity of the threat...this remained to be seen, though.

"Absobloodylutely, mate. Personally, I'm overjoyed about it. I don't fancy havin' a gagglefuck a' drunk, twenty-somethin's runnin' about Mane Street chasin' mares. But yeah...time'll tell."

"Now...how 'bout the bad news?"

"Yeah...well...that comes in two parts, mate. First part is this: We got a missin' persons report. Well...two of 'em to be exact. One's a sixteen year old Unicorn filly by the name a' "Ballad." Other one's a seventeen year old Earth colt called "Baritone. Both of 'em were bein' homeschooled. Both of 'em were neighbors. The two of 'em even started goin' steady recently...at least...accordin' to their folks that is."

"Hmm. You got reason to think this has anythin' to do with our "little problem?" When'd these kids last go missin'?"

"To answer both yer questions: Yes, I do, an' their parents said they ain't been home in over a week an' a half. Now...normally, I'd overlook this little tidbit a' news havin' anythin' to do with the Mater an' all...but from what I heard from their folks...sounds real sketchy, Red."

"How so?"

"These kids were straight A students, mate. Always checked in with their mums an' dads 'fore goin' anywhere, an' they always got themselves home by curfew. This is a real small town, Red. I don't mean to be a sad arse by tellin' ya' all this...but when somepony goes missin', I hear about it right quick." Mac narrowed his eyes. This didn't sound too promising.

"Not too sure this has got anythin' to do with our "mutual problem", Bobby. Did ya' get yer boys to look around for 'em yet?" Steel nodded.

"Way ahead a' ya', bruv. Me lads ain't found so much as a mouse's fart. Only one things fer certain: They ain't anywhere inside the city limits."

"Maybe they just took off. Eloped or some shit. Kids're fuckin' dumb like that."

"Ain't likely from what their parents told me. Said those kids were awful mature fer their ages. An' the last they'd heard of 'em was over a week ago...they were headed to Sugarcube Corner fer a date or some such. Already checked in with the Cakes. Said they never showed up. Real fishy, Red." Mac was starting to see what was wrong here.

"Hmm. Think they ran off into the woods fer a lil' hanky panky?"

"Hehehe...maybe. If yer lucky, ya' might find 'em snoggin' out on a blanket or somethin'. Maybe even catch 'em in mid-fuck...hehehe..."

"Ugh. Doubt it. Too much time's passed. It don't look too good, Bobby." Steel's expression darkened.

"Yeah. I know, mate. The optimist in me's hopin' they're just on an extended "field trip" out there, but me gut's sayin' otherwise."

"And I'll presume that you'd like yours truly to go an' look fer 'em?"

"Yes. If ya' wouldn't mind that is...that'd be lovely, Red. Thank you."

"*sigh*...as though I ain't already got enough on my damn plate right now."

"I feel bad askin', Red...but we both know yer best suited to the task. An' I know better'n to send me lads out into the Everfree. They wouldn't last a bloody hour in that place."

"*sigh*...alright, man. I'll do some more trackin' some time tomorrow night. I'll dose up with a night eye potion an' start checkin' fer hooftracks after my girls're asleep. So...who d'ya' think's behind all this, Bobby?"

"Not a clue, mate. Well...not entirely true...only an incredibly powerful sorcerer...or sorceress...coulda' summoned that ole' slag. Oh...and another bit a' bad news...the Castle denied our request fer them pneumatic crossbows. They didn't wanna' highly classified prototype weapon gettin' sent to an ass-end backwater like Ponyville. Not surprisin'."

"Fuck. Well...what about them powder charges you were makin'?"

"Oh, right! Fergot all 'bout that. In fact, I got two bits a news for ya' there, Red. Yeah. The charges're ready. Just gotta' prep the frag bolts an' all. Also...the Castle had the courtesy to not fuck us in our arses in their entireties...they're sendin' us some low-end monster-huntin' kit along with that agent. He's 'sposed to bring us a few alchemical ingredients an' some sticky charges. Not sure how much it'll be of use, but more kit is always better'n no kit."

"Ha! All's we gotta' do is get close enough to use them charges on the bitch. Sure that'll be easy as fuck, right? Like tryin' to thread a needle with yer dick while runnin' on a treadmill. So...when's this fuckin' spook gettin' here? Any idea who he is?" Bobby shook his head.

"Nope. No idea what he looks like, what his name is, or even when he's gettin' here. Could be any day now. Castle said I'll know 'im when I meet 'im. Oooh! Spooooky! Hehehe...but it's just the Interior Ministry's standard operating procedure. They try to keep their surveillance teams as compartmentalized as possible...ya' know...in case anypony gets captured an' shite. But sometimes I think they just keep us field agents in the dark to keep up an air of "mystery" or some such bollocks. Woooo! All this espionage an' excitement's makin' me lady parts quiver." Mac snorted with laughter.

"Hehehe...alright, man. I'll keep an eye out fer them two kids. Let me know when that jerkoff from the Castle gets here."

"Will do, Red. You reckon we should get back to work on this roof?"

"Yeah...*sigh*...I reckon so...wait a sec...you hear that?" Steel wrinkled his brow and listened. The two stallions could hear a voice calling from the other side of the farm...

"GUYS! GET THIS FREAK OFFA' ME!! It sounded like somepony Mac knew...who was it?

"HELP!! THIS FUCKIN' BIRD IS CRAZY!! OW!! CUT IT OUT, DICKWEED!!" Mac's eyes widened. It was Rainbow! He immediately guessed what was wrong. (Goddammit, Billy!! Not again!!)

"Oi, Red. Issat Rainbow Dash yelpin'? What's goin' on, bruv?" Mac hurriedly grabbed the half-full pitcher of iced tea off the tray sitting on the nearby tree stump.

"Yeah! She done pissed off Billy! I'll be right back!", he replied, as he began running on his hind legs towards the source of all the calamity while taking great care not to spill his pitcher of beverage.

"Wait a tic, Red!! You need help?!", said Steel, calling out after him.

"No! I got this! Thanks, though!!"

"Okay!! But who's Billy?!"

"Yer better off not findin' out!! Trust me!!" He truly meant that.

Before long, Mac was out of earshot of his old squadmate. Hopefully, he wouldn't find the love of his life curled up dead and covered head to hoof in pecks and scratches.

Lord High Emperor Most Exalted of Avian Royalty, Commander-in-Chief, and Supreme Ruler of All Appleland William the Conqueror was in exceptionally high spirits. He flapped his tawny feathers and squawked at his fallen enemy in a triumphant bloodlust. The Blue Terror had been vanquished and was now subject to his wrath. And he had a whole lot of wrath for her, too! Oh, did he ever! Where did she get the gall to come into his domain and malign his subjects? Regardless, she wouldn't get away with such a brazen insult! Oh, no, siree! Not if he had any say about it! "Impunity" was not a word in his native Chickenspeak! Honestly...what would his beloved harem of hens do without their wonderful Lord High Emperor Most Exalted of Avian Royalty, Commander-in-Chief, and Supreme Ruler of All Appleland there protecting them? The Blue Terror moaned and gargled out some obscenity in her barbaric, primitive horse tongue. William the Conqueror bawked in amusement. He slashed at her hindquarters again with his Deadly, Razor Sharp Talons of Supreme Devastation and Righteous, Indignant Fury. The stupid beast shrieked and clumsily lashed out at him with her crude, behoofed limbs. William the Conqueror found her pitiful attempts at defending herself to be most amusing. He squawked a bit of his own trash talk back at her for good measure.

"Bawk!! Bawkbawkbawk bawk bawkbawk? Bawkbawkbawk bawk: BUHKAWWWK!!" (Aha! Now what will you do fell creature? Allow me to answer that for you: NOTHING!!) The Blue Terror again cursed at William the Conqueror in her dumb, horsie language. He found her bumbling, primeval attempts at communication to be most amusing.

"Bawkawk! Bawkbawk bawk bawk bawkbawkbawk bawkawkbawk bawk bawkbawk bawkbawkbawk bawk bawk!!! BAWK!!" (I cannot understand your puerile tongue, foul beast! Your ignorance sickens me! Perhaps you should do well to learn proper Chickenspeak! AHAHAHA!!) But the sound of one of William the Conqueror's hens calling him from behind the safety of his Grand Chicken Fortress's Great Wall of Wire Impenetrability caught his attention.

"Bawkawkbawk? Bawk bawk bawkbawkbawk?" (Hey, Billy? You almost done with this ho?)

"BAWK!! Bawkawkbawk bawk bawk bawkbawk! Bawk bawk BAWKAWWWWKKK!!" (HENRIETTA!! How many times have I told you not to call me that!? It's "William the Conqueror!!" JEEZ!!)

"Bawwwk...bawk. Bawk. Bawkbawkbawk bawk bawkbawk bawkbawkbawk bawk bawk?" (Uhh...yeah. Right. Me'n the girl's were just wonderin' when yo' crazy ass was gonna' ice this bitch so we can eat finally?) Oh! The insolence! The blatant disrespect! Had they no love for their wonderful Lord High Emperor Most Exalted of Avian Royalty, Commander-in-Chief, and Supreme Ruler of All Appleland William the Conqueror?! The very same rooster who had done naught but sire their most cherished offspring and protect them from the malignant devils that assailed them?!

"BAWK!! Bawkbawk bawk bawk bawk bawk? BAWK BAWK!! BAWKBAWK BAWK BAWK?!! BAWK BAWK BAWKBAWKBAWK BAWKBAWK BUHKAAAWWWK!!" (HENRIETTA!! Is this how you treat your sovereign ruler, you little, ingrate? VERY WELL, THEN!! SO, IT'S FOOD YOU'RE AFTER, EH?!! THEN YOU MAY FEAST ON THE REMAINS OF THIS FELL BEAST AFTER SHE'S BEEN SLAIN!!)

"Bawk...bawkbawk bawkbawkbawk bawk. Bawk bawkbawk bawkbawk bawk! Bawkbawk bawk bawk! Bawkbawkbawk." (Nigga'...you crazy as a mothafucka'. We can't eat this bitch! And fix them yee-yee ass feathers! They crooked as shit.)

"BAWK?! BAWKBAWK! BAWKBAWK BAWK BAWK BAWKBAWKBUHKAAWWK!! BAWKBAWK BAWKBAWK BAWK!! BAWKBAWK BAWK BUHKAAWK!!? BAWKBAWK! BAWKBAWKBAWK BAWK BA-" (WHAT'S THIS?! MORE INSOLENCE! I'VE TOLD YOU COUNTLESS TIMES ALREADY!! I'M PERFECTLY RATIONAL AND MOST CERTAINLY SANE!! AND WHAT DOES "YEE-YEE" MEAN?!! NO ONE WILL TELL ME!! SERIOUSLY, I'M STARTING TO GE-)

An utterly titanic force had knocked William the Conqueror's glorious, virile rooster body sailing clear into the air and away from the pitiful, blue heap that was his defeated adversary. The esteemed and honorable ruler of all Appleland landed in a flustered heap some feet away. Some new adversary had joined the fray! He'd been taken by surprise due to his engrossment in taunting his fallen quarry and arguing with one of his hens. William the Conqueror rose to his feet and readied his Deadly, Razor Sharp Talons of Supreme Devastation and Righteous, Indignant Fury for battle. But...he recognized this new foe! It was, in fact, an old foe! It was the...the...The Red Baron!! The massive, red horse-beast stood a great height and cast a vast shadow over William the Conqueror. He was holding some sort of clear vessel of amber liquid in one of his massive hooves...William the Conqueror wondered what it was. What could it be? A new, dread weapon of a chemical make? But why would such a formidable enemy have need of such a dishonorable means of doing battle? The Red Baron was a nearly indomitable adversary. His size alone had proven itself to be a great, decisive impetus in many of William the Conqueror's more embarrassing defeats. But...he would not falter!! He would not fail his harem!! He would slay this dread beast and secure his kingdom's peace and prosperity!! The noble warrior-king bawked a challenge out to the great, red menace.

"BAWK?! BAWK BAWKBAWKBAWK, BAWKBAWKBAWK?! BAWK BAWK!! BAWKBAWKBAWK BUHKAAAAWWWK!! BAWKBAWK, BAWK!!!" (OH?! YOU WISH TO JOIN THE FIELD, ALSO, RED BARON?! VERY WELL, THEN!! LET THIS BE OUR FINAL BATTLE!!! COME AT ME, BRO!!!) The Red Baron charged. William the Conqueror patiently bided his time. He had to wait for just the right openi-

"Take that, ya' crazy, lil' bastard!! Why you always gotta' go 'round tryin' to massacre everypony?! Shit, man!", cried The Red Baron in his booming, horsie tongue, as he splashed the vessel of ice cold liquid all over William the Conqueror's glorious, feathery physique. The cold wave of liquid had soaked him all the way through his beautiful feathers and down to his very bones. A bit of the amber substance dripped into his open beak. It tasted...sweet. Hey! This didn't taste half bad! Maybe after he had dealt with this crimson monstrosity he could go find some mo-

"C'mere, ya' psychotic, lil' varmint!", roared The Red Baron, as he lifted William the Conqueror from the ground by his talon-clad feet. The noble warrior-king pecked and struggled...but to no avail. The great, red beast carried him all the way to the edge of his Grand Chicken Fortress's Great Wall of Wire Impenetrability.

"Bawkbawkbawk bukawwk! Bawkbawk bawkbawkbawk bawk bawkbawk bawk bukawwk!!" (Hey, put me down, you crimson aberration! Put me back down and fight fair, or I'm so totally gonna' tell on you!!) William the Conqueror's pleas went unheard. He was unceremoniously hurled into the dark, wooden depths of his Grand Chicken Fortress.

"Getcher ass in there, dammit!! I goddamn swear, Billy! Yer lucky I don't make yer feathery, lil' behind into a fuckin' headdress or somethin'!!" As though the refined, avian ears of William the Conqueror could decipher such jibber-jabber! Very well...he had lost this battle...but he hadn't lost the war. The noble rooster king retreated into his grand fortress to sit upon his Throne of Skulls inside his Bedchamber of Blood to rest. He would emerge to reenter the fray after a brief respite. Then...then they would pay for their malfeasance!! All of them! Oh, yes! They would all pay!!

But maybe after a bath in the water trough. And a quick nap. Warrior kings need their shut-eye after all.