She listened in reverence to Equestria's Most Perfect Stallion himself, as he crooned the strange but still captivating lyrics.

"Drippin' down all the blood an' strange sunshine...."

"....have you felt such weight upon your eyes?"

"Sister, I been trippin' in your skies...."

"I woke up adrift in a Technicolor bliss...ten million miles high...yeah..." The lyrics were a bit weird...a drug reference? (I dunno.) But Rainbow liked the song overall, and Mac had no problem following all the notes. He had a beautiful voice. It was deep. Melodic. But the sound of several pairs of hooves and two voices coming down the stairs interrupted her admiration.

"Awww! Come on, AJ! Why can't Scootaloo come over fer breakfast no more? It ain't fair!" Rainbow knew that those last three words of Apple Bloom's plaintive whine seemed to be her signature catch phrase...that wasn't a flattering appraisal.

"I ain't lettin' that little, orange hooligan in our dang kitchen again! She almost done burnt the house down last time!" The two mares trotted into the kitchen, taking their argument along with them. Rainbow sighed in exasperation. Yeah. This was all she needed right now. She looked over at Mac...he returned the same expression, shaking his head with a smirk of resignation.

"It ain't right! Where's yer country hospitality!?", whined Apple Bloom, utilizing her reasonably honed "pouty face." Meh. Rainbow had seen better.

"It done flew right out the damn window after she done burnt off one a' my goddang eyebrows an' broke half a' Granny's china!" Rainbow snickered. Scoots could be pretty awesome sometimes. Another, more croaky mare's voice called down the stairs.

"What're y'all little heatherns yellin' 'bout now?!!", Granny demanded, slowly coming down the stairs and entering the kitchen. Rainbow looked back over to Red...he was wearing the same expression as before but mouthing the words "Fuck my life." She giggled while trying to suppress her mirth with both hooves over her mouth. It was pretty cool how the two of them could communicate without even talking.

"AJ won't let Scootaloo come over fer breakfast today! Probably 'cuz she hates freedom, bein' neighborly, an' wants the Diamond Dog terrorists to win!" Granny's raised her eyebrows questioningly. She likely didn't even know which of Apple Bloom's two friends Scoots was.

"That ain't why at all, you little liar! I oughta' tan yer goddang hide fer bein' dishonest!" All this yelling was bringing Rainbow's headache back.

"I ain't a liar! An you ain't Ma!" Granny put one hoof to her forehead in exasperation. Rainbow sympathized with the old gal.

"I ain't tryin' to be Ma by protectin' this house from gettin' burnt to the ground! An' you are, too, a liar! Dontchu' call me no liar by sayin' I was lyin' 'bout you bein' a liar, lil' missy!" Rainbow...didn't follow that last part. Neither did Bloom.

"Uh...I...I don't even know what that means!!"

"It means drop the dang subject already!" Rainbow gave Mac a look that asked "Does this happen often?" He returned a look that answered "Eeyup. Every mornin'. Like clockwork. Ain't it just the fuckest thing?" She giggled and returned a look of affirmation.

"Well, I ain't gonna'! It ain't right that Sweetie Belle can come over an' Scootaloo can't! An' now we got two new ponies roomin' with us! It ain't fair that yer excludin' Scootaloo! It's dang hypocritical." Wow. Apple Bloom had an impressive vocabulary for a girl her age. Rainbow herself sure hadn't had that level of verbosity as a filly.

"Nah, it ain't! Sweetie Belle ain't almost burned the house down! An' these two ain't got no place else to go! An' Mac said they done offered to help us with the plantin' an' harvest, too! Scootaloo ain't so much as lifted a durn hoof to help around here! In fact, she done the dang opposite more'n once! The less time that girl spends around here the better. She's a bad influence on ya' as is!" Rainbow was a bit embarrassed by AJ's making Derpy and herself out to be homeless vagrants...but it didn't sound as though the farmgirl was especially mad they were here. Maybe it was because Bloom's whining had forced her attention elsewhere...AJ might forget all about being peeved at Rainbow.

"Awww! C'mon, Applejack! "

"NO! I'm just protectin' this house from that little, winged menace! She's liable to take a cement saw to the walls, if I let her back in here." Rainbow snickered. Scoots did have an unhealthy obsession with powertools...well...powertools and fire.

"We don't even have no cement saw 'round here!" Rainbow saw a concerned expression come over Mac's face. Rainbow shot him a questioning look asking "Uhh...what's that look for, bro?" He answered with "We actually DO have a cement saw. I just hope Scoots don't find it." Rainbow nearly sneezed out her sip of coffee. She really shouldn't try to ingest hot liquids when she was "talking" to her big, red buddy. ("Big, red buddy?" Man...lame...)

"Heh. Like that'd matter any. Scootaloo'd find one. I'd bet money on that." Wow. AJ likely had no idea how topical her statement had been. Bloom diverted her pleading to Big Mac.

"Hey, it ain't right that AJ's got the only say 'round here, ain't it, Big Mac? What do you think?" The big, red stallion turned away from the stove, his eyes wide with distress. He was shaking his head and waving his hooves in a dismissive gesture with a look that screamed "Oh, hell no! Don't drag MY ass into this!!" Rainbow caught another case of "the giggles." After realizing the futility in making the big lug anything more than an impartial observer, Bloom tried her luck with her grandmother.

"It ain't fair! Granny...don'tcha think it ain't right to let AJ keep one a' my DEAREST an' closest friends from comin' over? Jus' fer breakfast?" Bloom was giving Granny her best "puppy eyes" in a ploy to garner sympathy. Granny looked uncomfortable.

"Errr...well....that depends, sugarcube. Which one a' yer friends is "Scootaloo" again?"

"She's the Pegasus. 'Member? With the orange coat?" Granny's eyes widened with horror.

"Oh, no, no, no! I ain't lettin' THAT little heathern back into this kitchen no more!" Bloom cast her eyes to the floor with defeat.

"Ha!", exclaimed AJ in triumph.

"Now, now, Applejack...Bloom done got herself a point, though...it still ain't right not feedin' a friend. Tell ya' what...we'll compromise. You can take her a plate a' food an' eat with her out on the porch...so long as she don't come in here an' break nothin'. Is that alright with everypony? You don't mind cookin' fer one extra do ya', Johnboy?" AJ and her little sister nodded, feeling it was a decent compromise. Mac just shrugged as if to say "Man...why would I give a fuck?" Rainbow giggled, but she started wondering why he barely talked in front of his own family. It seemed as though Mac talked more to Rainbow than he did to his sisters and grandmother. Did that mean they were closer to one another?...or was it just another one of her delusions again?

"I guess...well...that's fine by me, Granny....then can I bring Scoots and Sweetie Belle over for breakfast next Sunday?" Granny nodded.

"'Course ya' can, sugarcube....so long as ya' keep 'em outta' this here kitchen...don't 'member which one's the lil' Unicorn...better safe than sorry." The three mares of the Apple family household finally sat down for breakfast. Applebloom glanced over to her older sister.

"Deal?"

"Yeah. Deal." Mac began setting plates of food down in front of his guests and family. The Apple family began eating breakfast...finally. Well, at least until Granny began to upbraid her two eldest grandchildren for violating a sacred Apple family law concerning table etiquette...

"Young'uns!! You two! Ain't y'all fergettin' somethin?" AJ and Big Mac looked at one another with confusion. Granny reiterated her point.

"Just 'cause y'all're from the country don't mean I done raised y'all in a barn! What do civilized ponies do when they sit down at the dinner table? Hmm?" They still looked confused. Mac raised one hoof as though he suddenly had a "Eureka!" moment...but no. He lowered his hoof back to his chin to continue thinking. Rainbow giggled. For some reason, she'd found his display to be utterly adorable. Bloom and Derpy were likely caught up in their own little worlds, though...(one pouting...one goofy..)

"Still? Oh fer the love a'...yer hats!! Ya' take yer hats off at the dinner table!" The two Apple siblings simultaneously emitted an emphatic "Ooooooohhhhh..."

"Well? Are ya' gonna' take 'em off or not?" They merely stared blankly at the old mare. Rainbow wondered if they were doing this on purpose.

"Goddangit...I swear...take the damn things off already!!"

"...yes'm...", answered both siblings while complying with their grandmother's command. After an awkward minute of eating in silence, AJ decided to force a conversation.

"Wow, Mac...this is mighty good. Kudos." The big, red stallion merely smiled and shrugged at his sister in response. Rainbow took a bite herself....this tasted....amazing!! She'd never had Prench toast this good before! How was Mac so perfect? Besides being a bit of a drinker, he didn't seem to have many flaws...well...besides drinking and being a bit standoffish on a few, rare occasions. The Apple family mares began audibly expressing their gratitude and appreciation for Mac's cooking. Rainbow followed suit...in her own unique way.

"Dude! Seriously! This is fuckin' awesome, man." Applejack's indignation was instant. Both Granny and Mac cringed, as they were unsure as to how to best handle the uncouth behavior of a house guest.

"Rainbow!! Dang it, girl! Not in front of Applebloom!" Rainbow felt a bit embarrassed. She'd forgotten there was a child present.

"Sorry! I forgot. My bad. Won't happen again. Scout's honor. So uhh....I just wanted to uhh...thank you guys for letting us stay..." AJ smiled warmly at her.

"Don't think nothin' of it, sugarcube. I done told ya' that ya' can come stay here any time. I just wasn't expectin' ya' to move in overnight is all...and I wasn't countin' on one extra neither..." Ditzy covered her face with her hooves and squeaked.

"Oh, I didn't mean nothin' by all that, Ditzy! Always glad to have company over." Ditzy nodded awkwardly, while draining the last gulp of her chocolate milk. The little mailmare, realizing she'd depleted her last reserves of sweet nectar, began pouting with a pitiful expression of despair. AJ and Applebloom, however, didn't at all notice this as they began bickering again regarding something of virtually no importance while their grandmother massaged her temples in exasperation. But apparently Mac had.

"Oh, y'all don't mind them two....say uh...Miss Ditzy?...would ya' like another glass a' chocolate milk?" Ditzy perked up.

"H-huh? I...I can have more?..." Rainbow smiled. She couldn't help it. This was cute.

"'Course ya' can, sweetheart. Ain't like we got a milk shortage or nothin'. I mean...we got ten dairy cows out back."

"Oh...o-okay...yes, please. Thank you, sir...." Mac turned to Rainbow for clarification.

"She said like..."yeah." And "thank you" and shit." It was a good thing that Rainbow had learned Ditzy's unique dialect of goofy giggles and ultra-shy squeaks. Mac snickered while collecting the mailmare's glass to refill it. After filling it to the brim with milk from the fridge, he mixed in some chocolate syrup and set the drink back down in front of her.

"T-thank you, Mr. Apple...*squeak*", she squeaked while wearing a deep, scarlet blush on her cheeks coupled with a dreamy, distant smile on her gentle countenance. Rainbow knew what it meant. Ditzy was definitely aware of how attractive Mac was, albeit she didn't likely have the same affinity for the big stallion as Rainbow herself.

"Awwww...ain't nothin', sweetheart. An' you ain't gotta' call me no "mister."

Ditzy giggled and blushed in response while nervously staring at the ground...Rainbow knew she wasn't a threat...at all. But...she still...a jealous rage began building in her. (Stay the FUCK away from him, you fuck-eyed CUNT!! I know where you fucking SLEEP!!! Holy....did I really just think that?! Calm...calm down...it's nothing....nothing. I'm nothing.) She gritted her teeth, trying to get her anger under control while the two Apple sisters bantered back and forth about Scootaloo's criminality. Rainbow finally quelled her rage. She sighed a breath of relief...but...for a brief second...Rainbow had thought about doing something terrible...something inexcusable to her little, wall-eyed friend. And Ditzy definitely wouldn't have deserved it. She had thought about taking her fork, jamming it in the mailmare's one lopsided eye, and twisting it in the socket. (Oh....God...what is wrong with me?!) But she would never...never! Ditzy practically had the mind of a foal!! Even if she'd known she was flirting/fawning/etc., it would've been of an innocent, grade-school variation. Rainbow swallowed her anger and began to feel ashamed. Hopefully...no pony had noticed her gritting her teeth like that...nope. She was good.

"Goddang, Mac! This is really somethin' else! You should cook breakfast more often." Mac merely grinned and shrugged in response to AJ's compliment. The country girl continued to gush.

"Wheeewwwie! An' it's colder'n a seal's backside out there today, I tell y'all what. Hehehe...y'all sure this here's actually May? Mighty unseasonally cold out this mornin'." The Apple family merely shrugged at AJ's attempt to force a conversation. The awkward clinking of utensils against chinaware continued in a room otherwise entirely devoid of sound.

"Yessir. Sure is nice to get somethin' nice an' warm inside ya' on a day like this." Rainbow nearly snorted a swig of her coffee.

(Oh my God...did...dude!) Did AJ seriously just say that? But...she couldn't make a TWSS joke...she had to resist. (Be...strong....you are the rock!...be the rock...rocks are hard...hard....get rock hard...you better stay hard until this is over!...oh, man!!...hehehe...that's totally what she sa-Dammit!!) She didn't want to embarrass Mac in front of his family. Apparently, as an added bonus, Mac had noticed Rainbow trying to suppress a snicker with a look of abject horror on his face. He slowly shook his head and subtly mouthed the words "Don't even think about it." Yeah. Good luck with that. She was already thinking about it.

"Dang. Y'all sure are bein' quiet this mornin'. Well...I think I know why. Lemme' address the elephant in the room since no pony else is willin'..." Great. AJ always had to push the agenda and test her luck. Rainbow thought they were all better off not talking about it. Regardless...AJ began addressing the occupants of the kitchen breakfast table. All three of AJ's family members didn't even bother to look up from their breakfasts. They were used to this display apparently.

"Well now...ya' see...Ditzy Doo an' Rainbow done got evicted last night with no place else to go. Now don't y'all worry none. They ain't becomin' permanent residents or nothin'. Just 'til they get back on their hooves an' all. 'Til then...they done promised to help us out with the chores 'round here. They ain't just gonna' be moochin' off us. So I don't wanna' hear no bickerin' 'bout how Rainbow done used all the hot water in the shower, or 'bout how Ditzy done drank all the dang chocolate milk..." Ditzy Doo put her glass of chocolate milk down with an expression of pure shame. Rainbow reached over and patted her shoulder to reassure her. (Wow. AJ really loves the sound of her own voice. Meh. Less annoying than mine, I guess.)

"...awww...now don't take that all literal Ditzy. You go 'head an' finish yer milk, sugarcube. Just usin' ya' as a general example. So uhh...where was I? Oh yeah...now money's gonna' be a bit tighter 'round here what with two extra ponies to feed. So don't y'all be expectin' to get the VIP treatment or nothin'. Sorry. Bills are just pilin' up 'round here, an' we were havin' trouble even afore y'all two showed up. An' don't misconstrue my words to mean I ain't glad to have comp'ny or nothin'. I always enjoy havin' folks over. Just wanna' be realistic an' up front with y'all, seein' as it'll be like y'all're part a' the family with ya' livin' here now an' whatnot. Seriously...'bout them bills...we're already gettin' calls from collections. But don't worry. I ain't 'bout to let no no-good, city slickin', weasel-lookin' repo pony run off with our stuff. No siree. We just need to be on the lookout fer anypony nosin' 'round with no business bein' here. Ain't lettin' 'em get past me, no sir. I ain't lettin' 'em sneak over here an' take me from behind!" Rainbow sneezed lukewarm coffee out her nostrils and covered her mouth with her forehooves in an attempt to stifle her snickering. Mac, once again, looked horrified...probably doubly so that his own sister had been the one to make that double entendre. Applebloom took a break from her pouting to ask what was going on.

"Uhh...you okay, Rainbow?" Rainbow nodded, keeping both her hooves firmly over her snout. Her cheeks were flushed with exertion...she was sweating bullets...she wasn't sure how much longer she could endure this torture...

"I'm sure she's fine, Bloom. Probably just took a sip of that there coffee, an' somethin' went down the wrong hole is all." Seriously?! Seriously? (Oh god...I'm...I'm not gonna' make it...too...funny...) Rainbow nodded in affirmation to quell any more inquiries. Hopefully, this was the last o-

"Eeyup. She's fine. Just had a problem swallowin' is all." (...oh shit...I can't...I can't breathe...) "Anyway...I just want y'all to know that yer welcome here on the farm. Any friend of Rainbow's is a friend of mine. So I don't want no pony givin' y'all no grief...*cough * Applebloom! *cough*" Wow. AJ was being pretty cool about all this. At least until Rainbow lost control of her mouth and began spewing comical vulgarities all about the room...which was any minute now. Big Red shot her a look of encouragement that said "You can do it. You can fight it. I believe in you." She returned a look that replied "Nah, we're fucked."

"Hey! I heard that! Why'd ya' go an' single me out for?! I ain't never done nothin' to make guests feel unwelcome! If anypony's gonna' be a bad host, it'll be you, AJ!"

"Wh-why I never!! Accusin' me a' somethin' like that!" Both Mac and Granny Smith put their hooves to their foreheads to quell the migraines that were inevitably going to worsen in these conditions.

"Why not?! Ya' just did the same damn thing!" AJ shot her glare of reproach.

"Applebloom! Watch yer language at the table! We got comp'ny!" At least AJ wasn't unintentionally making any more erotic indiscretions.

"Oh, screw that!" Granny Smith emerged from her den of apathy to upbraid the ten year old filly with a single look. The girl was cowed immediately before she decided to use any saltier language. Apparently, this was a common occurrence. Mac's exasperated look of pure resignation reinforced this.

"What's gotten into you, Bloom? Ever since yer tenth birthday, ya' been havin' hissy fits left'n right an' a real smart mouth to boot!"

"Well, ya' won't leave me alone! Yer always treatin' me like a foal! An' ya' didn't hafta' accuse me of somethin' I ain't never done before!" (Okay...this is pretty annoying...can we go back to the double entendre's now, please? Fuck...me....jeez...)

"Oh, hush up already! Yer dang spoiled is whatchu' are, girl! Only reason I mentioned ya', was 'cuz yer liable to throw a dang temper tantrum fer not gettin' yer way 'cause we cain't afford to buy you an' that little, orange monster an acetylene weldin' torch or somethin'! An' you been cuttin' out on yer chores lately to go run off with yer little friends all this week! Why...in fact...I think we ough-"

"AJ. That's enough, sugarcube. Wrap this up.", interrupted Mac in a stern voice much to the surprise of everypony present. It had been a voice of pure authority...very much unlike his usual laid back tone. AJ looked blindsided and embarrassed, darting her eyes over to her grandmother for her support...but the old gal wasn't on her side for this one.

"Uhh...yeah...yer right, Mackie. Where was I?...uhh...I guess uhh...well....welcome to the family is all. S'long as y'all pitch in once in a while 'round here, yer welcome to stay as long as ya' like." (Thanks, dude. You're the best.)

Rainbow grinned. Her bestie could be pretty cool sometimes. And the lithe, blue Pegasus had noticed an interesting assignment of function in the Apple family hierarchy. Obviously...AJ sort of served as a "manager." She managed the day-to-day stuff and took care of simple problems. Granny sort of served in an supportive advisory capacity, offering her accrued wisdom to her grandkids without directly stepping on their hooves. Mac sort of served as "damage control." Like an "emergency failsafe." He didn't seem to ever step in and throw his weight around until the situation called for it...like when his younger sister was being so long-winded that she started to give her captive audience a headache. (...or an even bigger one...) He was kind of like an old, Equus Republic (before it became an empire...thanks, Twi...ugh...) dictator who would only step in in extreme emergencies and only for brief periods. Rainbow had to admit...it was kind of hot...but then again...she thought virtually everything the big guy did was pretty hot.

As for Applebloom...she was still just a kid, so it didn't look as though she'd been assigned any role yet...well...except for being the family "whiner." This behavior was sort of new to Rainbow, seeing as to how the little filly had only recently started behaving this way. Rainbow guessed it was just a "finding herself" phase. She decided she didn't want to get involved again. The last time she'd tried "helping" Bloom find her Cutie Mark, AJ had threatened to choke her for making the girl go hang gliding and shit. It was all somewhat of a thinly-veiled ploy of Rainbow's to "mold" a young mind into her own super awesome and extreme image. She knew that wasn't how you got your Cutie Mark. Unfortunately, it'd all backfired on the fearless flyer after she'd tried to introduce Applebloom to the joys of "EXTREME FUCKING COOKING, MOTHERFUCKER!!!" "Extreme" was the only word for it. Between the two of them, their combined lack of culinary skill had nearly been enough to give the entire Apple clan food poisoning and had completely wrecked their kitchen. Rainbow was no longer allowed to cook anywhere near Sweet Apple Acres...but hey...at least she hadn't almost burned the whole farmhouse to the ground like her "Number One Fan."

"Hey...thanks, dude. We appreciate it. Seriously, guys. Thanks."

The Apple family smiled warmly at the Pegasi...it was genuine. Despite all their bickering and infighting, the Apples always seemed to come together on certain things. Like making guests feel at home. It was a pretty neat feeling. Rainbow didn't feel alienated at all for once. Most everywhere else in town she went, she was treated a bit like an "outcast." But not here. She felt welcome. Like she was a part of the family. She smiled. In a lot of ways, the Apples kind of were her family. Granted that she'd never had a proper conversation with AJ's grandmother or older brother until just recently, but she'd been buds with AJ for years...and she had a good relationship with Bloom. Rainbow was always flying around the farm, and she often slacked off from her own job to help out around the place...well...try to help out, anyway. And also...Rainbow's distant affection for John Apple had almost made she and AJ sisters. AJ had immediately figured it out and had immediately started teasing Rainbow for it, but it had only been until very recently that the blue Pegasus had candidly admitted her feelings. Another thought struck Rainbow...did AJ actually want the two of them to get together? That'd be so cool!! (...hehehe..."Rainbow Dash Apple" doesn't sound too bad. Sounds like a reeaaallly fast apple or something. Like it got shot out of a cannon or something. That's fuckin' rad.) Granny suddenly interjected. Was it time for some more "down home, Apple-style" wisdom? (...fuck...)

"Oh, right!...that just reminded me. We done fergot to introduce ourselves an' vice versa. Guess I'm so used to seein' y'all two 'round the farm, sleepin' in the apple trees or deliverin' mail, that it didn't occur to me. Must be goin' senile...hehehehe..." The old mare cackled jovially. She was pretty cool for a grandma. Rainbow had never directly introduced herself to the old gal, so she shook the old Apple mare's hoof and rectified this. Well...that wasn't entirely true. The elderly mare had walloped Rainbow over the head with her handbag once after she'd tried forcing the old biddy to cross Mane Street. It was all during the "Mare Do Well Incident." (...oh...shit...hope she doesn't remember that...)

"Oh, right. Sorry. Hiya, Granny. Rainbow Dash. I'm best buds with AJ....and...like...I'm training partners with Mac. You've seen me around here before, though, right?" The old mare returned her hoofshake.

"Oh, 'course I have, sugarcube. Just thought it'd be nice to have ourselves a proper introduction is all. I seen ya' zippin' all up an' down the sky over the farm just about every other day, an' I ain't had a chance to talk to ya' once. I'm the ole matriarch of this here clan, I reckon. Name's Rosalind Smith Apple. 'Course ya' already know Applejack, Big Mac, an' Apple Bloom." Granny Smith didn't seem to remember Rainbow's past "indiscretion." Apparently, her forgetfulness in her old age was a two-way street...no pun intended.

"Huh. Your first name's "Rosalind?" Never would've guessed that. Nice to meet you." The old mare gently smiled.

"Awww...nice to meet you, too, sugarcube. You remind me of myself at yer age...if'n ya' can imagine me ever bein' that young, that is. An' who's this little lady? I think I seen her deliverin' the mail a few times 'round here." Derpy merely squeaked something unintelligible in reply.

"Err...beg yer pardon, sweetie? Didn't catch that."

"H-hello...I'm...my name's...Ditzy Doo..." Granny raised one eyebrow in confusion. Rainbow interceded on Ditzy's behalf.

"Oh, yeah. That's Ditzy Doo. She's my roommate...well...was my roommate. And yeah, she's a mailmare. Probably where you saw here. Delivering mail and junk."

"Oh...alrighty. Uhh...is she alright?"

"Oh, she's fine. She's just really shy is all." Granny Smith leaned in close to whisper in Rainbow's ear.

"Uhh...yeah, I already figured that, sugarcube. What I'm askin' is if there's somethin' wrong with her eye? She have a concussion 'fore she got here? She okay? 'Cause if'n she's got any sorta' head trauma, then we might need to get her to the ER purdy quick." Rainbow suppressed a chortle. But she had to admit...Granny Smith was sharp as a tack for her age. And she'd gone to extreme lengths not to publicly embarrass the girl.

"Oh...yeah...she uhh...it's just a lazy eye. And she's a little on the slow side and stuff. Nothing serious, though. She's kinda' self-conscious, though, so..." Granny nodded.

"Eeyup. Roger that. Say no more, missy. Ain't too keen on hurtin' folks' feelin's. Well...I reckon I know why ole John let y'all in last night...hehehe..." The old mare had a devilish smirk on her features.

"What're ya' talkin' 'bout, Granny? 'Course he'd let 'em in. Why wouldn't he?", chimed Applebloom. Both she and Derpy were lost.

"Well...I reckon he let y'all in after seein' y'all were some real purdy fillies...hehehe..." Rainbow and Derpy simultaneously turned a deep shade of crimson. She knew Granny was only teasing, but...woah. Did Mac just look embarrassed? Was he bothered by that comment? What did it mean? Was that a good thing?

"Awww, c'mon now, Granny. Quit yer teasin'. It's too easy." AJ had said that halfheartedly and with a smirk on her freckled features. (Dude! Cut it out!) Rainbow shot her look of pure venom. Did Granny know, too? Or just AJ? And how long was she going to rib her for it? It wasn't Rainbow's fault that her best friend's brother was pretty much the sexiest guy on the planet! But Granny merely ignored her granddaughter's insincere attempts at mediating.

"Hehehe...oh, just pokin' fun, Applejack. Yer too uptight, girl. Ain't that right, Mac? Gonna' hafta' watch that ole hound dog, you two. He's got a way with the fillies." Big Mac looked horrified.

"G-Granny!" The old mare merely laughed. (Wow...so this is...really fucking awkward now...thanks, Granny.)

"Just playin', boy! Hehehe...Lord knows yer too serious as is. Well...after breakfast, you wanna' take these two girls on a tour of the place? I'll bet they're purdy anxious to go off alone with a big, ole fine feller...hehehe...better take AJ along, or y'all might end up just takin' a tour of ole John's bedroom. " Mac covered his eyes and sighed. Rainbow sympathized, but Granny wasn't at all wrong. But this wasn't a pleasant means of divulging that desire. She was practically the same color as the big stallion himself at this point.

"Well...I reckon that concludes breakfast. You got the dishes, Big Mac?", AJ asked, trying to change the topic.

"Eeyup." Rainbow quickly offered her help.

"Uhh...I'll help! We can like...uhh...get 'em done twice as fast with the two of us." AJ rose to her hooves and set her empty plate in the sink, offering a final bit praise to her brother for his culinary feats.

"Well...awkward conversation asides, that was some damn good eatin', Mac. Stuffed Prench toast, huh? Always did love a good cream fillin'." Rainbow didn't even have time to cover her mouth. Her reaction was virtually involuntary.

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!! Awww, dammit!" Granny Smith began cackling like a hyena. AJ was nowhere near as amused.

"Rainbow!!" Neither Derpy nor Applebloom had any idea what Rainbow's offense had been. They stared at one another in confusion.

"Shit! Sorry! I mean, fuck! Dammit! Sorry!" Her brain's functions had devolved into churning out meaningless profane vulgarities by this point. (Fuck...this is a Class Ten, Red Alert Brain Fart.) Granny was rolling.

"Hehehe....oh...Johnboy, you better marry this one!! She's somethin' else!"

"Granny! Get on outta' here, now. Go sit down in the livin' room an' stay outta' trouble." The red stallion ushered his grandmother into the den while she cackled uncontrollably. AJ merely shook her head at Rainbow and shrugged.

"Uhh...yeah. Just watch yer language 'round Bloom. Hey, I'll come take ya' on the grand tour in a bit...that is...if'n ya' don't want ole loverboy to take ya'...hehehe..."

"AJ! Please! Don't!" Mac was only a room away! What if he heard!?

"Aww, c'mon, girl. What's the point of knowin' an embarrassin' secret 'bout yer homegirl if'n ya' cain't give her grief once in a while. Dontcha' want ole Mackie to know how ya' feel? hehehe...."

"Seriously! I'm sorry about...whatever! All that stuff! Just don't call me out in front of him! Please..." AJ raised her eyebrow in concern.

"Hell, Rainbow...I was just jokin'. I wasn't gonna' sell ya' down the river like that. C'mon. It's me, we're talkin' 'bout here." Rainbow realized her eyes were misted with tears. She was actually shaken. AJ was a bit taken aback.

"Rainbow...jeez...calm down. I didn't mean nothin' by it. Take it easy." Rainbow made a clumsy move to "save face."

"Uhh...y-yeah *sniff*...I know! I was just joking, too! See? *sniff* Had you all worried an' shit!" (...so scared...oh god...baby, don't go...she was just kidding...oh god, I'm fucking crazy...crazy...)

"Uhh...yeah. Sure you alright?" Rainbow dumbly nodded. The farmgirl took her leave and the big stallion returned to the kitchen. She smiled at him. He merely shrugged and whispered in her ear.

"Hey, uhh...sorry 'bout all that. Granny's got a penchant fer pickin' at the three of us. An' nice save, offerin' to help with the dishes an' all. Very convincing. Subtle even." She giggled as she began helping Mac clear the breakfast table. AJ and Applebloom had already headed back up stairs while Granny Smith sat down in her rocking chair and began knitting one of her famous quilts. Derpy merely sat helplessly at the kitchen table alone, wondering what she should do.

"Hehehe...hey, it's cool, bro. I ain't some wilting violet. I can take a joke. Your grandma's pretty cool actually."

"Hmm? Well...alright then...uh..." The two of them began chuckling nervously. The tension was palpable. Was Mac...was Mac actually nervous around her all of a sudden? What did that mean? She wished she had some sort of "stallion behavior decoder handbook" or something. All she had to go on was her gut instinct....and it had definitely atrophied over time.

"Hehe...lemme'...uh...lemme' just start drying these dishes. You wash, I'll dry and put away. Cool?"

Mac smiled gently and nodded. The two of them quietly That smile of his...even when he wasn't trying, his smile could fucking light up a derelict train tunnel. And it was so infectious...it made her start smiling, too. She felt like a damn idiot, smiling for no good reason...but it felt so damn good...just...being with him. The heart beating in her little, blue chest was no longer her own. John Macintosh Apple now held sole propriety over it. And it was such a sweet feeling. She thought that this must be how junkies feel, shooting up shit under bridges...just to feel like how she did right now. The drugs were supplanting this...this sweet feeling. And the two of them weren't even together yet! Her cheeks were so flushed with heat she was afraid Mac would notice and ask her if she was coming down with a fever. Her little heart was pounding rapidly...like the violent staccato beat of a great, red drum echoing in a cavern...signifying her love...her obsession.

"Sure. Sounds like a plan, girl."

She was so close to him right now...she could smell his cologne...the smell of tobacco. A masculine aphrodisiac. To the little, blue Pegasus, his scent was alluring beyond compare. She could kiss him right now. She could turn her brain off and just...do it. But she was too scared. And what if she lost what little she had of him? Even the table scraps from her master's table were worthwhile...she couldn't bear to lose even the little bit of affection he had for her. She sneaked quick glances at the love of her life. How could this one stallion be so gorgeous? So perfect. He was so handsome...strong and tough...but so sweet...tender. So gentle and loving. So perfect for her and her alone. For a brief moment...she pondered how much more her heart could take basking in John Apple's warmth like this, longing for him to come love her and save her from the ebon pit that The Beast had dug in her heart...to little avail. She imagined how much sweeter it would feel, just cuddling her little snout into the warm fuzziness of his neck...his massive, strong hooves would just caress her...gently holding her little body to his own. To offer her his warmth. His love. (I...I...baby...p-please...I'm...breaking down...)

"By the way, dude...you think you could turn the radio back on? I heard you play somethin' that rocked the fuck out a minute ago. What was it?" (Don't...don't lose it, girl...keep it together...you'll get 'im. Just...just stay focused...)

"Hmm...lemme' think...you talkin' 'bout the stoner metal? The one with the uhh...the..."

"Sick-ass bass guitar in the background? And the dude singin' about "burnin' fuel" an' stuff? Yeah, bro. That one. Kinda' sounds like "Desert God"

"Yeah, that's 'cause it is Desert God. Good ear, Rainbow. Finn Axelay's the lead vocalist an' guitarist. Yeah, I'll put that one on for ya'..." Hold the phone...did Mac just randomly have one of her favorite bands on a casette tape? Ready to play? Right now?! How...(That's it!! It's fate!! It's gotta' be! I just...I just wish the fuckin' Universe WOULD STOP TAUNTING ME, THOUGH!!!) Mac rewinded the casette and pressed the play button...a low-key base reverberated a bluesy melody throughout the kitchen. She recognized the song immediately...she even knew the lyrics...

"Dude! That's totally from their "Garden of Stones" album! That shit's fuckin' tight as fuck, yo!" Mac chuckled and shushed her. Apparently, her scratchy, shrill voice had risen a few too many octaves.

"Shhh!! Hehehe...dang, girl. You gotta' learn how to use yer "inside voice...."

"Heheh...fuck...my bad..." Hey! You couldn't just "contain" her enthusiasm like that! That was like pouring lighter fluid on a bonfire.

"...an also how to use non-expletives in yer sentences. Heheh...seriously. I don't think I ever met no pony else with a filthier mouth than you, Miss Dash. Yer definitely one in a million." (...oh...baby, I can show you what else this mouth can do besid-quit it! Get a grip!)

"Heheh...you don't mean that in like...a bad way, do ya'? I mean...I know I'm kinda' immature an' stuff..."

"Nah. Nah, Rainbow. Yer just bein' yerself. If it were just you an' me here, you could cuss up a fuckin' storm 'til God himself comes down from up above to wash yer mouth out with soap. But we got a little filly livin' here, too. An' Bloom's real impressionable."

"Hehehe...cool. But like...I'm pretty sure she already knows all those words, if she's hangin' around with Scoots all the time, dude." A sudden look of concern struck Mac's features.

"Uh oh. I...I ain't thought a' that. This don't bode well....aww, man...that actually explains a lotta' why Bloom's been actin' so ornery lately. Well...shit."

Rainbow erupted into another stream of giggles. She hated acted like a ditzy tool around him, but she couldn't help it. Something about him...it made her...feel so feminine...beautiful even. And it didn't feel forced or alien like when Rarity dragged her to the spa and the like. It felt natural....like it had always been an inherent part of her but just waiting for the right guy to bring it out in her. It was still a part of her. Even if she was the toughest bitch in all Ponyville and didn't take shit from anypony, she was still a girl. No matter how masculine her behaviors seemed...no matter much she eschewed frilly, cutesiness for her tomboyish pursuits...her biological gender was a factor beyond her control. She was still subject to the needs, desires, expectations, and limitations of being a mare. She had never had anything personal against that kind of stuff...as far as she was concerned, let the other girls knock themselves out. It meant there was less competition for her own pursuits.

"What can ya' do, ya' know? Kids are kids. I was cussing at about the same age."

To each their own. But of late, Rainbow had started seeing her femininity in a more positive light. So...yeah, she was the toughest, fastest bitch around? Why did that mean she couldn't have a soft side? The side of her reserved for her mother...her father...her friends...and John Apple...(I love you...it...it hurts inside...baby, no...) So what if she had more in common with the boys than her own gender? All that meant was that she had a vastly superior context and appreciation for the plight of the stallion...and for his physique, too, of course. That didn't make her a lesbo. It made her the opposite. She just needed a hardcore, tough-as-nails stallion to love...after all, she was a hardcore, tough-as-nails girl. Just because she had emasculated a few of the wimpier beta males in town didn't mean she had "penis envy" or some shit. (Ewww...) In Rainbow's eyes, those effeminate, whiny cretins didn't even count as "male." She already had a vagina. She didn't need another one. She needed a real stallion. The very idea of her bedding another member of her own gender made her wretch a bit inside her mouth...it was an indisputably physical revulsion. She knew that the common rhetoric of the day about how everypony had a little bit of "gay" inside them was simply bullshit.

"Well, hell, Rainbow. Yer a bad example to use here. Yer a dang exception to virtually any rule ever made, ya' know." She grinned. He wasn't wrong about that.

"Yep. And don't you forget it, dude. Dash don't play by no pony's rules, yo." (Aww...dammit...that was...stupid...) It was indeed pretty lame. But...Mac...he looked amused. He thought she was cute. She was glad.

Rainbow had nothing against that lesbo stuff personally, but she couldn't understand how any mare couldn't be attracted to a creature as fucking glorious as the big, red beast washing dishes with her right this moment. Rainbow hungrily leered at every magnificent detail of his perfection. He was like a goddamn statue of an Equus Empire god! She imagined how it would feel to grope every hardened inch of his body. The power...the sheer tension...force...he could probably tear another pony literally in fucking half. All that brute strength...that muscle... But he would never hurt Rainbow...no. He'd just ravish her like a wild animal until she began pleading for him not to stop. Dominating her completely...making her cry out in pure ecstasy...hearing the svelte, rich melody of his deep baritone in her ears, as though the sound was the audible incarnate of sex itself. (Oh...man...uh oh...wings. Wings! Down! Phew...) That chestnut brown Stetson that cast a surreptitious, suggestive shadow over his arcane, angelic eyes that had burned through her mind and etched their visage into the pit of her soul...that light, groomed beard that accentuated his chiseled jaw...the way he casually held that cigarette in his mouth like he didn't give even the slightest of fucks. (...kinda' like Manelon Brando...) How could any mare not want to hit that?! Even the most hardcore lesbian had to at least consider going to bat for the "other team" to get a quick slice of Apple pie.

"Girl...yer somethin' else, I tell ya' what. Just ain't too sure what said "somethin' else" belies. Or even is."

"Hehehe...uhh..." She had no idea what "belies" meant.

"You okay, Rainbow? Ya' look li-" She found the perfect opportunity to disguise her ignorance.

"Oh, shit! Listen! I love this part! Shhh!" She hushed him, and began humming the lyrics to the song's chorus...(nice save...nice...)

"Hear a purrin' motor,

And she's a burnin' fuel!! She's a burnin'! Yeaaah!" She began quietly singing in earnest. Mac, much to her surprise, joined in.

"Push it over baby!!

Oh, I'm makin' looooove to yooouuu!! Makin' loooove to yooooouuu!!" She blushed deeply while singing that last line with him...their voices intertwined to form a single, rich melody. Her voice's sandy timbre perfectly complimented the deep, silken texture of Mac's own. He had such a beautiful voice. It was so much more sensual...more pleasant to the ears than hers. It was smooth...like milk chocolate. Her own voice was fucking scratchy and annoying. She hated it. She hated it. Wretched.

"Yo, Red." The stallion in question abated his angelic crooning to address his little friend.

"Yeah, Blue?" "Blue?" Not bad. Better than "Dashie."

"Hehehe...well...I got this sneaking suspicion that this song is about fucking.", she stated in a quiet deadpan. The big stallion ceased washing dishes and covered his eyes with his hooves, as he lost any former semblance of his quiet stoicism. The great, red beast began giggling uncontrollably, despite his best efforts to prevent himself from do so. She loved his laugh. His giggling. A big, macho giggling like a little colt? (...hehehe...he's so goddamn cute...) He was.

"Hehehe...oh, man...I can't...oh....damn, girl..." It took him a full minute to recover. Ditzy merely sat at the breakfast table awkwardly, wondering what was so funny. It was clear that the poor girl wanted to take part but was too confused and nervous. Rainbow wanted to give her a hug...but...she had some hang-ups when it came to expressing her affection for another mare.

"Well, come on, bro. What else is it about?" Definitely about fucking. Definitely.

"Hehehe....well...I dunno'. You seriously tellin' me that this here song's anythin' but innocent an' decent?"

"Yep. It's about fucking. Called it." Mac's eyes comically bulged in faux-horror.

"N-no! Noooooo....no...can't be! Everythin' I've ever known is a lie!"

"Hehehe....what'd you think it was about, dude? C'mon."

"I done thought it were 'bout a lil', ole choo-choo train, chuggin' along in the warm sunshine...goin' on it's cute, lil' ole' way...deliverin' a load a' teddy bears to the young an' infirmed." He was so goofy. So cute. So much fun. (...baby...)

"Hehehe...what?"

"Eeyup. An' maybe stoppin' at various train stations to pick up some puppy dogs an' bunnies fer passengers to take home with 'em."

"Hehehe...wow. That's...that's pretty gay, dude...hehe..."

"Oh, hush up, girl! Why you always gotta' make every lil' thang puerile an' salacious as all hell?"

"The fuck is "puerile?" And "salacious?" Sounds like...some sort of adjective to describe a fuckin' like...salad or somethin'. She honestly didn't know. But the big stallion thought she merely joking.

"Hehehe...yeah, right. You know...means sophomoric an' indecent or vulgar. Ya' cain't fool me, girl. I know you ain't ignorant." He thought she was smart. Like...she was worth something.

"Hehehe...pfft. Whatever. That's just how I roll." (...stupid...stupid...so dumb! Lame.)

"Is it now? Weeeellll...I'm startin' to think yer a bad influence on me, girl. I better watch out fer you." (Yeah, you better. You have no idea what'd I love to do that tight, fuckin' bo-cut it out!! Grow up!) Rainbow leaned in close to whisper.

"Hehehe....yeah. You better.", she said in a low, threatening tone while poking him in his hard, muscled side with her left forehoof. (G-goddamn, baby!...he's...he's nothing but muscle...wow...) Mac responded with more comical horror.

"B-bad touch! Bad touch!" It was indeed. The things she'd like to do to the big guy would never make it on the shelves of a public bookstore. (...maybe in that one store with the big, pink neon sign...hehehe...in the back room behind the curtain, maybe.) Rainbow merely giggled and watched Mac's comical display.

"You done touched my no-no place! I need an adult!" Rainbow collected herself and leaned back in to whisper threateningly again.

"Guess what? I am an adult." Mac's demeanor shifted to a complete deadpan.

"That's contestable." Rainbow's eyes widened.

"OH! OH! Dayumn! BURN!!" It was a pretty good burn, she had to admit.

"We got some lidocaine hydrochloride burn salve in the cabinet. Shall I fetch it and apply it to the affected areas, Madame'? It'll feel good as new after a while."

"Hehehe...that's what she said." Red had chosen a rather poor time to take a sip of coffee.

"Pffftt.....eheheheh...damn...I can't...hehehe...take much more of you." She was so overjoyed that he liked her sense of humor. That he didn't think she was just vulgar and...and annoying.

"Also, what she said." The big lug laughed until he began wheezing.

"Hehehe...ow...it...hurts to laugh...now look what ya' gone and done? I'm sore all over."

"That's what she said." Derpy began nervously laughing from where she was sitting. She just wanted to join in all the fun. She probably had no idea what the joke was.

"Okay...hehehe....okay already, girl! Hehehe...gimme' a dang break already, Rainbow."

"That's what she said...no...wait! Awww! Dammit!" She turned a deep shade of crimson. She prayed that Red hadn't misinterpreted that joke as meaning more than what it was. It was one of her most sensitive hot-buttons.

"Hehehe....oh!! Self-administered burn!! Yer somethin' else, girl." She smiled. He hadn't made a big deal out of it.

"Hehehe...yeah...that came out wrong...sorry. Oh, snap! Chorus is coming back on! You take the low notes, I'll take the high notes!" Mac nodded and smiled. The two of them crooning the chorus once again.

"Hear that purrin' motor!! Yeah, she's a burnin'!! She's a burnin'!!"

"Push it over, baby! We're maaaakin' loooove....we're makin' loooove to yooooou, yeah..." Mac turned to address her.

"Damn, baby girl! That's a lovely voice, you got there. Ya' got a pretty unique timbre to it, too. Beautiful. Hehehe...I reckon we'd make a lovely duet." Her face reddened and her knees nearly buckled out from underneath her, as her mind was rendered inoperable by force of his sweet validations. But...she...had to say something...like...stuff back to him...

"N-no way, man. My voice is...like...annoying an' shit." (Shut up!! Shut up, stupid!) "Sometimes...sometimes like when my throat is dry...like...uhh..." (Why can't I shut up?!) "...and I'm tryin' to sing, my voice like...pops an' junk. Kinda' like a teenage colt...uhh...that came out...weird...uhh..." (WHY. CAN'T. I. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP?!!!) "...ya' know like with karaoke? You're singing for ten straight minutes, an' your throat gets all dry, so you go to the bar...like to buy another beer...but uhh...you're outta' cash..." (Oh God...I'm still going...this is painful...jeez, man...) "...so you like...uhh... gotta' keep making trips to the water fountain by the mare's restroom...and...uhh...I don't know where I was goin' with all this...just uhh...ignore me....I'll shut up now..." Mac's expression of near transcendent confusion said it all for Rainbow.

"Uhh...I beg yer pardon, Rainbow?" What had happened to "girl-bro Rainbow?" Not only was she again uncomfortable alone in his presence, but she had also seemingly accrued the added bonus of perplexing the fuck out of the guy. (Great! Awesome! Good job, dumbshit! I swear to fuckin' God!!! I am SO gonna' staple these friggin' lips shut soon as I get a chance!!!)

"Oh, uh...my voice is like...stupid. I really like yours, though...it's...really...neat..." ("Neat?" "NEAT?!" What are you?! Friggin' fifty years old?!)

"Well...uhh...thank ya' kindly, Rainbow, but my assessment still warrants validity. You have a lovely voice. It ain't annoyin'. And I like it. Fuckin' deal with it.", he said in a complete deadpan tone of voice. She was completely floored. What should she say?! (Say "thank you!" Say it!)

"Uhh...um...th-that's...that's good...super good...fuck..." (That was not a "thank you." That was a shit hemorrhage of the brain that ended in a friggin' word salad like something one of those schizo, mental ward ponies would say. Nice.)

"You shouldn't be so dang self-conscious all the time, Rainbow. Who cares what some a-hole who don't even like ya' thinks? If they don't like ya', then fuck 'em. Take them unwarranted criticisms an' toss 'em all into yer "Fuck-it Bucket." Then be on yer merry, lil' ole way." Rainbow's massive brain fart prevented her from doing anything more than devolving her speech into a series of unintelligible squeaks and manic giggles. (Work, brain! Work, damn you! What do I even pay you for, jerkoff!? You're just chillin' up there rent-free!!)

"Oh, and hey. Look. All done with the dishes. That was fast. Thanks, Lil' Blue." She nodded and smiled at him with a dopey grin. He didn't even seem to notice that her even most tentative grasp of the Equestrian language had slipped entirely through her hooves. This was...this was nice...just...enjoying his voice. His deep, sensual words tenderly caressing her ears and heart. She felt...happy. Drunk. It was...nice.

"You okay, Lil' Blue? Ya' don't mind the new nickname do ya'?" She shook her head and giggled some more. (Brain...brain...poop...) "Lil' Blue" sounded like the most clever nickname in the world to her in this context. In fact, she should've been born that name. The fuck was wrong with her parents, naming her "Rainbow Dash?!" That was a retarded-ass name. Stupid assholes...(he's...he's so smart....hehehe...)

"N-no, man. That's like...perfect. So much better than friggin' "Dashie." Mac cringed as he and Rainbow put away the last of the dishes in the cupboards.

"Ugh. Guess you don't like the diminutive form a' yer name neither. Heh. Ditto." She shook her head, still wearing her goofy grin. It was as though she had somehow been intoxicated by his presence...drunk on it...how?

"Well...hey, I don't think I ever officially paid ya' back fer helpin' us out all those times...what with the cider contest an' all. Lemme' rectify that..." Mac reached into his saddlebag and procured a large, silver key hanging on a thick, black cord. (Huh? What's this?) He placed it gently around her neck.

"Uhh...Mac? Wha...huh?" (Brain...still...no...good...poop...) She had since lost all hope of mentally processing anything in her current condition. Mac's demeanor changed to a roguish nonchalance. Like he was in charge. Like he held all the cards. And honestly?...Rainbow knew as much. He held all the power. If he had told her to murder somepony she'd never met in exchange for a single kiss, she would've merely asked "Who? And where? And are we talkin' tongue here?...please be with tongue..."

"Listen. This here key opens a very special door to a very special place somewhere here on the farm. I ain't gonna' spoil the surprise, but I think you'll really appreciate this." He was grinning devilishly at her...like he had something planned...

"M-Mac? Hey, what is this? I..." He pulled her close to whisper something to her discreetly. His lips...his lips were inches away from her own. She could just...just move an inch forward, and she'd be kissing him. She drank in the ghostly, otherworldly beauty of his eyes...just an inch forward...one inch kept them apart...(...baby...is...is this it?! Finally?!!...please...) What was all this...had all this "key business" been a clever ruse to get her close like this? It was kind of superfluous. All he'd had to have done was tell her his true intentions, and she would've torn into him like a lovesick wolverine high on meth and an outlawed, Zebrican aphrodisiac.

"Shhh. Listen real close...this here's a closely guarded Apple family secret. Only me, AJ, an' Granny know 'bout this. Bloom's too young...don't tell her. She ain't old enough to keep a secret. Lil' thing'll go an' blab without even being aware she's doin' it..." Rainbow dumbly nodded...he was so close...she was entranced...his voice was like velvet...his eyes...his scent...she greedily drank it all in. (What...what is wrong with me..? Wait...I know the answer to that...it's...kinda' easier to ask the opposite question...)

"O-okay...", she murmured slavishly. Her mind wasn't her own right now. Mac wasn't even trying to consciously entrance her like this. He probably wasn't even aware of his ability to do so. But goddamn...she didn't even remotely care right now. This was just like the time she'd lost her temper lifting weights with him a few days ago. All she could think about was how damn good it'd feel to eschew all her inhibitions and just kiss him...deeply...her mind was running blank...

"Consider this an Apple clan official "thank you" gift fer bein' a friend to us. I have to go into town in a bit to pick up a few things. Today's Sunday, so you an' Miss Ditzy can take the day off to get yer bearin's straight. Applejack can give y'all a tour of the place in a bit...then...just show her this key I gave ya', an' tell her I said y'all are "cleared for entry." She'll know whatcha' mean, an' show ya' which door that there key unlocks." Rainbow merely nodded, swaying back and forth like a drunken lush to every velvety syllable that was borne of her beloved's lips...the sweet vessels from whence her mind had built it's own chains. But hey...his voice was sexy...so whatever.

"Um...o-okay...but...what's this all about, Red? I'm...confused..." And oh, was she ever. But the big lug merely smiled gently at her.

"I don't wanna' spoil the surprise. Just trust me on this. It's pretty dang awesome...an' that's a word to which yer quite partial, aintcha', sugarcube?" She merely nodded slavishly again, drinking the soft warmth of his voice like wine. She wondered what it could be? She was starting to feel pretty excited. It could be anything! An Apple family secret...it could...it could be an entire year's worth of cider!! Or...or the entire, complete collection of Playmare magazine! Or a...a Wonderbolts-themed fight club! Bare-hoof boxing and everything! Or...or...a rocket ship! Made out of chocolate! Or even something that actually made sense! Hopefully, it-

"...it's not a meth lab...I hope." Oops. She had said one of her errant musings aloud. But Mac was amused.

"Hehehe...awww...hell...ya' guessed it!"

"R-really?!" Uh oh.

"No. No, Rainbow. It's not a meth lab."

"Oh. I-I didn't mean nothin' by all that, dude. Just kiddin' around...hehehe...you know me, right?" Her nervous laughter didn't disguise anything.

"Hehehe...I know. Lil' Miss Rainbow Roughneck and the Fuckaround Gang." She burst into giggles. What the hell? That was the most random thing!

"What does that even...hehehe...what...?...the hell, Red?!" But the big guy merely shrugged.

"Is Miss Ditzy good at keepin' secrets, too?" The mailmare in question perked up at the evocation of her name.

"Uhh...yeah...totally, dude. She's like...a safe...or some shit..." (Ya' know, brain...if you can't think up anything smart to say, then could you at least stop me from blabbering like an idiot?!)

"Okay, then. Miss Ditzy...would ya' like to accompany Rainbow?" Ditzy began chittering something virtually indecipherable in a barely audible volume about how she was trustworthy and would totally love to take part in super fun secret stuff.

"She said "yeah." Ditzy squeaked plaintively and nodded. The beeping of a nearby oven timer prompted Mac to remove a fragrant, newly baked apple pie from within and set it to cool on a nearby open window sill. Rainbow wasn't all that much a fan of apple pie (Cherry's better.), but this one smelled delectable enough to be worth trying.

"Alright, then. 'Member to get AJ to show ya' the door. Might have to wait sometime later this week, though. She's awful busy right now. An' also...this ain't just an arbitrary secret meant to seem secret fer no reason. This can get us Apples in some real hot water, so be mindful of whom you tell it. Just be careful is all I ask. Okay, ladies?" Both Pegasi dumbly nodded, grinning like a pair of seduced, amorous baboons. Rainbow had completely forgotten to say "thank you."

"Alright, then. See y'all in a bit." And with that final farewell Mac headed out the kitchen screen door and went on his way. The two mares were left standing awkwardly in the kitchen side-by-side as the effects of John Apple's presence wore off. Rainbow was the first to break the silence.

"Wha-...what? Uhh...the fuck just happened? I hope we didn't just get roped into being drug mules or something..."

"Oh, no...not again...", said Ditzy in a low tone of voice.

"Heh. Yeah...I mean...like I was just kidd-wait!! What?!" What did Ditzy just say again?!

"Huh?"

"Not "huh!" "What?"

"What?"

"Grrrr!!! No! Not "what" as in the word "what!" "What" as in "what did you just say?!" She was losing her patience.

"What."

"I just told you!"

"No, I was answering you, Rainbow. You asked me what I just said. I just asked "what?" This was going nowhere.

"Whatever! Screw it. Just forget about it..."

"Already did! That was easy! Now...what were we talking about again?...hmm..." Rainbow stared at her little, wall-eyed friend in reverence. Ditzy Doo was so stupid...so incredibly dumb...that she was smart. Somehow. Rainbow wasn't sure how that was even possible. But it apparently was.

"Holy...I just...what?...Ditzy...did you grow up under power lines? Or eat a whole lotta' paint chips as a kid?" Ditzy began to giggle. At least she was in a better mood. "Goofy Ditzy" was immensely preferable to "Downer Ditzy."

"Hehehe...no, silly! Hehehe...why does everypony keep asking me that?" She honestly didn't seem to understand. Rainbow merely snickered.

"Yeah. I wonder." Ditzy turned away and headed towards the table. Likely to get another danish or muffin.

"Okey dokey, Rainbow! Imma' get a muffin!" Yep. She called it.

"Sure. But try not to choke on it, okay? Remember...small bites, Ditzy..." It was a lame joke, but Ditzy wasn't present to comment. The sound of a sudden crash on the table behind caught her attention.

"Oh, shit! Ditzy! You alright!?" Rainbow helped her to her hooves. Ditzy had a slight bruise on her noggin, but she was otherwise fine. How'd she manage to trip over a big ass table like that?!

"Ow....my head..."

"You okay?! How many hooves am I holding up?"

"Two."

"Yeah. That's right. You sure you're fine?"

"Uh huh. I'm okay. Mr. Apple is cute...hehehe..." Rainbow no longer felt any trappings of her former jealous rage. Ditzy was just...innocent.

"Yeah. He is. Well...doesn't look like you broke anything...on the table or on you."

"Hehehe....and he's really nice..." The hell?

"Uhh...yeah. He is."

"And strong." Rainbow was getting a bit annoyed. And the sound of Red's radio randomly playing whatever track was on his cassette tape wasn't really helping.

"Yeah."

"And he smells nice...hehehe..."

"Yeah. Bathing will do that, Ditzy. Small wonders an' shit."

"His voice is nice, too..."

"Once again...yeah. You done yet? Between you and Mac, I can't take this much longer."

"That's what she said." Rainbow wrinkled her brow and dropped her jaw in disbelief. She'd somehow been hoisted by her own pitard.

"Wha-what?...uhh..."

"Yeah. You know, Rainbow...you're gonna' get permanently friend-zoned if you keep this up. If you don't make a move pretty soon, he'll find somepony else. He's pretty hot. And smart. And he's the type of guy to stay completely oblivious to any sort of signal you're trying to send him. You're gonna' hafta' make the first move. Otherwise this is merely a self-deprecating display that, I must admit, is more than a little bit demeaning. Get in there, Rainbow, or this impromptu marriage of an exercise in futility and some lapdog-styled self-flagellation will have served no purpose other than that of making you even more miserable." The...table...when Ditzy hit her head, her intelligence must've increased a thousand fold...no wait...that's still too stupid...a million fold!!! She must be a genius now!!

"D-Ditzy!! H-how d'ya' know all this stuff alla' sudden?!! What the fuck?!"

"I dunno. Just do."

"Whatever! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth! So...what should I do?! I'm too freaked to just come out an' tell 'im!!" Rainbow had to take advantage of what was so clearly a gift from the gods themselves. She had no idea how long this enlightened state would last. But she was damn sure it wasn't permanent.

"Oh, it's pretty simple, Rainbow. In fact, you might've already thought of it. But it's a foolproof, guaranteed way of gettin-...uhh...oww...I have a headache..." Ditzy put her forehoof to her little, blonde-maned noggin.

"Ditz?! Yo! You okay?! What were you gonna' say?! Your advice?! What was it?!! C'mon!! Please!!"

"I like muffins!" Too late.

"OH, MOTHERFU-"

The sound of the nearby radio suddenly blasting some tacky mariachi music cut her off.