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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

by little big pony

Chapter 12: ...[Redacted]...

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Sometimes, if you believe and wish and dream hard enough, all of your dreams will come true. For most people though, dreams don’t cut it, and they have to roll up their sleeves and work hard to get the job done. Sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to try again and again to get what you want, sometimes you have to fight your hardest to reach up and grasp it.

Antaeus the human, with the help of his friends, had succeeded where thousands of others had failed. He had stood before the Lady of the Sun and had won. He was going to get his date. And, while this was a pretty big deal for Anny, it was a heck of a lot bigger to other ponies that had been waiting and watching to see what was going to happen.

Canterlot was abuzz with gossip among noble, commoner, and foreigner alike discussing the almost unbelievable news that the Princess of the Sun was finally accepting a suitor. At first, the stories came from the mouths of ponies that had seen the asking and telling at the party, but eventually ponies were getting the story from a pony whose fillyfriend’s mother’s associate heard it from a stallion’s father whose friends happened to hear it from a pair of guards and they happened to tell him and so on and so forth.

Because of this, the story became more and more and more outlandish and fantastic, until a pony would look you in the eye and swear on the grave of his or her grandmother that Anny had had to fight no more than half an army of diamond dogs, a pack of golems led by Star Swirl the Bearded’s ghost, and a feral dragon to win the heart of the princess.

Anny and Celestia, who were both as happy as could be with how the party had turned out, were nonetheless petrified as they watched the city collective reaction blow out of proportion. It wasn’t even the ridiculous stories or the constant hounding that bothered the two either, it was how incredibly fast it had gone from sensible and happy to crazy and outlandish. Though, to be fair, they were in Canterlot, a city that was renowned for latching onto the newest trends or news like a leech on fresh blood.

It also didn’t help that Anny was constantly teased by Velvet and Celestia was starting to get tired of Luna breaking into some foalish song about her and Anny sitting in a tree whenever she saw her, so the two did what they could to stay out of the spotlight.

With the help of Twilight, Anny found a simple cloaking spell that helped him get through the city relatively unnoticed. All he needed to do was let Twilight cast the spell on him and he’d be out the door to do whatever invisible humans needed to do on a regular weekday.

With Celestia it had been a little trickier; she was a ruler who was in constant contact with hundreds of ponies after all. First, she had to prohibit photography of all kinds in the castle, and then she had to double the guard patrols to make sure that this rule, just this rule, was carried out.

After that she had decided to just contact a few reputable journalists and, with Anny’s permission, she just decided to answer all of their questions, hoping against hope that that would nip the problem in the bud. It didn’t, but at least she could look herself on the mirror in the morning and tell herself that she at least tried.

Whenever Anny and Celestia were around each other and away from the prying eyes of the common pony, the two couldn’t help but laugh to themselves when they realized that they were putting more effort into calming down the excitable Canterlotians than they were getting ready for their date. And it was then, when they realized that when Anny asked her out, he had actually asked her out, the two would become flustered and would refuse to look at each other for the next ten minutes.

Anny was in an odd position now that he had gotten what he had worked for months to get. It was like he was the dog that had caught the wagon; he got what he wanted, but now he didn’t know what to do. Celestia, who was basically in the same boat of him, couldn’t even draw on her years of experience as a ruler to help out her sudden shyness. She couldn’t command herself to suck it up, so couldn’t awe herself with some words of wisdom to help herself through the blushing, the nervous giggle, or the butterflies.

That was where Cadence came in, thankfully. The Princess of Love was all too happy to make sure Anny and Celestia would be comfortable with each other, now that they had made their feelings known.

She was the one that would gently get the two to talk to each other. She was there in the gym making sure that nopony heckled or teased or bothered them, all the while helping the two decide where they were going to have their first date.

She couldn’t help but laugh to herself whenever she saw her usually calm, cool, collected, and confident aunt act like a filly with her first crush; though, to be fair, it had been longer than even Celestia knew when the last time the Sun Princess had had a love interest, so it could be forgiven.

Even though she didn’t want to tell anypony “I told you so,” Cadence couldn’t help but be pleased with how everything had turned out. Celestia had found somebody, Anny had found somepony, the two were going to have a great couple of dates (if she had anything to say about it), and there was love and happiness in the air, so she couldn’t help but feel a teeny tiny bit of satisfaction. It was nice to know that you were actually pretty good at your job every once in a while.

Not that Anny didn’t deserve every bit of the credit, but Cadence knew he wouldn’t mind if she said that she was one of the few ponies that believed in what he was doing. All the while helping him turning her aunt into a shimmering, blushing, adorable shadow of her former self, something that Celestia really didn’t appreciate.

She’s SO cute when she blushes though, Cadence couldn’t help but think as she and her Shining made their way through the castle to the royal chambers. But poor Anny looks like he’s going to pass out lately… She couldn’t help but frown to herself. Even though she, Shining, and the rest of the Sparkle family were trying their best to keep the human from stressing himself out, Anny still managed to run himself ragged.

Since he was the one that had asked her out on a date, Anny had decided to figure out where to set up the date himself, which probably wasn’t too good of an idea if what Cadence had seen was any indication.

Luna had to hit him with a sleeping spell the other day, she thought, frowning at how silly Anny was acting. I know that he knows that Aunty Celestia probably won’t care where he takes her, but he just needs to take his mind off it for a day or two…

Nodding to herself, she looked over at her husband. “Shining, did you go to the gym with Anny this morning?” she asked.

Shining looked up at her and nodded. “Yeah, and after that we went out and got my mom some groceries, why?”

“I was thinking that the two of you could go out and go do something tomorrow,” Cadence said as they rounded the corner. “Go fishing or something. Anny looks like he needs a day or two to unwind before his date.”

Shining smiled. “Yeah, I could go and take him to a watering hole that my dad took me to when I was little.” The two made their way toward a pair of giant doors with the insignia of the sun.

“I’ll go out and get you two some fishing rods and worms,” Cadence told him, walking up and knocking on the door. “Now, let’s go and see how our aunt is doing.” Giving Shining on final smile, she firmly knocked on the door. “Aunty, it’s—“

Before either Shining or Cadence could do a thing, the door was thrown open, and they were yanked into the room with a pair of yelps.



~-~-~-~-~-~-~



Ever since he had landed on this odd rock that so many ponies and other creatures called their home, Anny honestly couldn’t wait for what new adventures Equestria would throw his way.

Sure, living in Ponyville was nice, and he had more excitement in his life than he actually liked, but now, now, he could say that he found someone that he cared about, someone that he liked and who, incredibly, liked him back. If he was lucky, he could be looking forward to having a steady relationship with a princess that he actually liked a whole lot. Twilight had been right; he had been lonely before, but look at him now! Now he had a date with a princess!

…Now he had to make sure he didn’t mess it up.

And he would be doing that, checking to see where the best places would be to take her, but, due to a certain Princess of the Night being concerned with how poorly he was sleeping, and he not wanting her to come down to the Sparkle house to zap him with a sleep spell again, Anny had stopped staying up all night trying to plan out what he was going to do with his favorite princess on their date. Though she hadn’t bothered to come down and zap him with a spell last night, so he was sure that he could get away with staying up and researching all night again.

After a night of “studying” and after going to go work out with Shining and Blueblood, Anny had decided to take a quick power nap so he could recharge his batteries…

Or at least he was trying to…

“Anny.”

“…”

“Anny, stop not paying attention to me; I know that you’re still awake… I can see you twitching.”

“…”

“Anny, if you don’t open your eyes I’m going to go into the bathroom, get a bucket of water, and dump it onto your head.”

With a little sigh, Anny opened his eyes and looked down at Spike. “You know I’m trying to sleep, right Spike?” he asked the young dragon, sitting up on the bed.

Spike huffed. “Well, if you weren’t staying up all night and you’d actually get some sleep, then I wouldn’t have had to wake you up,” Spike retorted with a yawn. “And if I’m not allowed to take any naps during the day or sleep in, you aren’t either.”

Muttering to himself about purple dinosaurs, Anny rolled off the bed and stretched. Rubbing his eyes, he asked, “Hey, Spike, what time is it?”

“About nine o’clock.”

Anny’s frown grew. “That’s not that late in the day, Spike. What the heck did you wake me up for?”

Looking up at the taller and bigger man like he was half of his size, Spike shrugged. “Well, Twilight woke me up to tell you that there’s somepony at the door that wants to talk to you.”

Anny looked Spike up and down. “You’re yelling at me because I was sleeping in when you were sleeping in?”

With a grunt, Spike hopped onto the bed and laid his head down on the pillow. “Hey, I never said that I wasn’t a hypocrite,” he said, yawning and throwing the covers over himself.

Anny pinched the bridge of his nose while also trying to keep himself from laughing. “Can you at least tell me who’s at the door?”

“No idea. Twilight didn’t sound like she was happy with whoever was at the door though.”

Throwing a shirt on, Anny made his way to the door. “Well, thanks for waking me up and not telling me anything, Spike,” he said, a teasing tone in his voice.

Spike just lifted a claw and waved it at him dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, just make sure to tell everypony that I’m not here.”

“I’ll make sure to do that,” the human lied, knowing exactly who would ab-sol-utely love to get into bed and snuggle with her baby again for an hour or two.

He quickly made sure that he didn’t look like he hadn’t just gotten out of bed by running his fingers through his hair. Snapping his fingers and pointing at himself in the bathroom mirror, Anny made his way down the stairs and toward the front door to see a grumpy Twilight Sparkle, who looked like she was trying to bore a hole in the door with a glare.

The mare was hunched over, her wings twitching in irritation as she huffed and puffed and muttered something under her breath that Anny couldn’t quite catch.

“…Twilight, you alright there?” Anny asked, deciding to keep a safe distance from the mare in case she was having another one of her ‘episodes’.

The purple mare snorted angrily. “I can’t believe she had the nerve to come here,” she muttered in rage. “She should know that Anny wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her!”

Anny looked over at the door curiously. “Who’s at the door, Twilight?” he tried to ask but was once again ignored by the angry Twilight Sparkle.

“I swear, if I wasn’t a princess--”

“Twilight, could you please stop talking to yourself for a second?”

“I’d buck her so hard in the face that not even magic would fix her—“

“You’re not going to pay attention to me, are you?” Anny asked the bookworm, who just continued to huff and mutter to herself.

Man, I wonder who’s got Twilight in such a tizzy, Anny thought, sidestepping the mare and reaching for the door. I haven’t seen her this mad since Spike accidently placed all of the books in the library alphabetically by title name…

Looking back at her for a second to see if she was still sitting on her rump looking angry, Anny opened the door….

“Oh, bonjour, Anny,” Fleur (who looked like somebody had put her through the ringer, a meat grinder, and then lit her on fire) said, smiling weakly as a surprised Anny looked down at her.



$@##@$



…Well, at least he does not look as angry as Ms. Sparkle did when she opened the door, Fleur thought optimistically as Anny stared down at her. In fact, he doesn’t look angry at all…

After the fiasco that had been the party, Fleur had stormed to her house and promptly smashed over five thousand bits’ worth of vases throughout her house. True, that had been extremely unladylike of her and half of the nobility in Canterlot would have exploded (figuratively and literally) if they had heard or had seen her doing that, but in her defense she had just witnessed months of planning fall away into nothingness right before her very eyes.

Celestia had gotten her hopes up that there was a good stallion just ready for her to snatch up, she found that Anny actually was a good stallion-- a better stallion and gentlemen than most stallions in fact-- she had fooled herself into becoming emotionally attached to the man, she was about to confess to him that she liked-liked him and BOOM, Celestia goes and takes everything back.

Even for the most ladylike and elegant mares, something like this would naturally rub them in all the wrong ways.

After breaking all of the vases in her house, and calming down slightly and apologizing to Jeeves about the mess she made, Fleur had then did the next thing most mares liked to do when their crush starts going out with somepony else. Retreating into her bedroom, she turned on her projector, grabbed as many buckets of ice cream that she could carry, and went to town with a romantic movie marathon, all the while crying her eyes out and cursing her bad luck.

Time and again, a servant had been sent to her mansion to tell her that Celestia wanted to speak to her, but Fleur had them all sent away. She was not in the emotional state to talk to the one that had taken her man, and she was sure that the Princess of the Sun just wanted to see her face-to-face so she could rub it in her face even more.

Well, this was how she wanted it? Fine, Fleur could play the game as well as any mare, and unlike Celestia, she was willing to play dirty to get her man.

It had taken a day or two for her to work up the courage to be at the front door of the Sparkle house this morning. She had been so nervous about the whole thing that she had forgotten to put on her makeup to clean and brush her coat and mane, so she knew for a fact that she wasn’t looking her best right now.

Oh, I must look horrid! Why did I forget, of all things, to make myself presentable for—

As Fleur had her mental freak out, Anny leaned on the door frame, peering down at the mare with a smile.


“Oh, hello, Fleur,” he said brightly, forcing Fleur out of her thought, “did you need something?”

The whole morning and the night before she had gone over what she wanted to say to Anny. Her little speech was just under four minutes long (she had timed herself, twice) and it was as heartfelt and loving as she could make it and she had been assured by Jeeves that it would have won Anny over in a minute. And, as she looked up at the man, that speech, and anything else that she wanted to say, just seemed to vanish from her mind.

“W-Well, you see,” she began, already flustered and knocked off balance by Anny’s friendliness, “I w-wanted to tell… to tell you something! Oui! I came here today so I could tell you something, Anatues.”

Anny raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “Alright,” he said, “what was it?”

…And now she was a thousand times more flustered. Oh sweet Celestia, am I blushing?! she thought, horrified, looking down at her hooves in horror. I shouldn’t be blushing! I’m only going to tell this stallion that I love him and I’mgoingtolookridicliousandhe’sjustgonetosaynoand—

“Fleur… you alright there?”

Fleur’s eyes widened in panic. I need to say something, Ineedtosaysomething!!! “I’m in love with Celestia!” she blurted out, her face cherry-red as she looked up at him and panted like she had just ran a marathon.

Anny blinked at the news. “…Alright,” he said slowly. “That’s great and all but I don’t think that the Princess swings that way…”

Fleur gasped when she realized what she had said, her hooves flying to her mouth. “Oh mon Dieu, A-Anny, I didn’t mean that I—“

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!



#@!$#$



Anny watched, two parts concern and one part amusement as Fleur tried to explain herself while also apologizing for some reason, not really making any sense and sounding more than a little flustered, until she was just shouting at him in Prench.

It’s going to be one of those days, Anny tiredly thought, kneeling down and snapping his fingers in Fleur’s face. “Fleur, stop being crazy.”


Seeing that his snapping wasn’t working, he did the next best thing and flicked the mare on the nose.

Qu'est-ce qui, pourquoi?“ Fleur stammered, looking up at him in confusion.

“Just calm down for goodness’ sake,” he said soothingly, trying to calm her down. “Why don’t you come with me to the kitchen? I’ll make us some coffee and you can tell me what you need to tell me instead of yelling in the middle of the street like a crazy person, alright?”

Fleur stopped and looked at him with big lavender eyes. “Très bien,” she squeaked, allowing him to push her into the house, around a still muttering Twilight, and into the quaint little kitchen that Velvet kept neat and clean.

Gently nudging her toward the table that was in the center of the kitchen and sitting her down, Anny made his way over to the coffee machine and started it up. Rummaging through the cabinets, he found two coffee mugs.

“Is there any particular way that you take your coffee, Fleur?” he asked, turning toward her.

Fleur had seemingly calmed down for the most part, though she still refused to lift her gaze from the floor and she still had a bit of red in her cheeks. …I know that look, Anny thought as he carefully looked her up and down. Aw man! he almost groaned. Don’t let her look be the look that I’m thinking of!

“…Could you please just put in a few teaspoons of sugar, Anny?” Fleur said quietly, fidgeting in her chair.

Anny did his best to smile and sound cheery. “Alright, I’ll have it ready for you in a second,” he told her, only getting a nod for it.

An expert at super nervous mannerisms himself, Anny could see that maybe Fleur wasn’t just trying to seduce him because Celestia had wanted him to. Is this just a recent thing or have her feelings for me been going on for a while? he wondered, grabbing sugar and cream from the fridge. And if it had, am I really that blind and or dumb for not noticing it?

While a small part of him was rather excited about somehow winning over the heart of a supermodel (because, well… because she was a supermodel), Anny had thrown in his hat with a certain princess, so he wouldn’t be able to do anything other than let her down as gently and kindly as possible.

Hah, I have to let down a supermodel; take that Mr. Thompson from seventh grade chemistry! What did you know, saying that there was no way in heck that I was going to be dating anyone like this unless I won the lottery?! Well, look at me now you bald jerk!

Old, hateful teachers aside, Anny still had to figure out how to tell her no without hurting her feelings. I could just say the same stuff that Celestia told me when she first shot me down, he thought, not remembering how well that actually turned out for the white alicorn. The two of us can just sit down, drink our coffee, talk like adults, and she and I will be at the gym together with the Princess by tomorrow!

Genuinely smiling, Anny poured the now finished coffee into both of the mugs, putting a little bit of sugar in Fleur’s and putting a load of sugar and cream in his before picking the mugs up and bringing them to the table.

“Careful,” he warned, setting her coffee down in front of her as he took a seat, “it’s hot.”

“Merci, Anny,” Fleur said, grabbing her mug and cradling it in her hooves. Anny just smiled, content to sip his coffee and wait for Fleur to work up her courage to tell him whatever she wanted to tell him.

Minutes went by as the two silently sipped their coffees, Fleur looking off in a corner of the kitchen and Anny sipping his coffee with his head in his hands, until Anny finally got up from his chair. “Did you have breakfast yet, Fleur?” he asked, rousing the mare from her obviously deep thoughts.

“No, no I haven’t.”


Anny made his way over to the stove and started reaching for pots and pans. “Well, as luck would have it, neither have I, so how do pancakes sound?”

Fleur finally had the courage to look up at him with that, her eyes wide with alarm. “Non, non,” she protested, shaking her head. “Anny there is no need to—“

Anny just waved her away with a hand. “I always make way too much anyway,” he said, cutting her off. “And besides, Velvet would kill me if she found out I didn’t feed a hungry guest.”

“I am not--*growl*.”

Anny had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, but he didn’t turn around to tease the mare. “Do you want three flapjacks or five?”

“…Could I have just three please?”



@!@#$@!



Fleur watched intently as Anny bounced around the kitchen, a small smile on her face and a blush on her cheeks. She honestly couldn’t believe how silly she had been looking up until now. Fleur de Lis was a mare of grace, style, and beauty. She was not some filly that tripped over her words! She was a confident mare, a proud mare, a mare that looked a stallion in his eyes and told him. What. She. Wanted!

“Could I please have just a little bit of butter on my crepes, Anny? And no syrup; I’m going to be starting a diet soon.”

…Well, at least she technically told him what she wanted.

A strong-willed mare like her had been reduced to nothing more than a kitten at the mere sight of Antaeus, a notion that she would have laughed at a few weeks ago… but now? Now, she couldn’t help but notice the butterflies in her stomach as she watched Anny flipping flapjacks.

Taking a deep breath and shutting her eyes tightly, she said, “Anny, I needtotellyousomething!”

Anny looked over his shoulder. “I hope it isn’t about how you love the Princess,” he joked, putting the just finished pancakes on some plates and carrying them over to the table with a jug of maple syrup.

Her eyes still shut tightly, Fleur shook her head so hard that Anny was worried that she was going to knock herself out of her chair. “I just wanted to apologize for everything that had happened before that party,” she squeaked. “Celestia thought you and I would be a good couple and—“

Fleur tensed when Anny put a hand on her shoulder. Smiling at her, Anny said, “Hey, no harm no foul right? I personally think that it all worked out in the end.” He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “And Fleur, I’m sure that you’ll find a real great stallion someday. You’re a great mare, and I’m sure all you’ll need it to—“

Anny almost reeled back as Fleur’s eyes snapped open, her eyes fiery and fierce. “Non!” she shouted, hopping out of her chair. Anny, not particularly wanting a horn through the shoulder, fell out of his chair with a startled yelp. Before he could do anything, before he could even register the pain that his fall had caused, Fleur was standing over him.

“There will be no other stallion, Anatues!” She said fiercely. “Do you not think I know what you are trying to do? Do you not think that I have not given a stallion ‘the speech’?!”

Why did it have to be one of those days?! Anny mentally cried while he started to rub his aching head. Sure, he was a little surprised with how forward Fleur was being right now, but he was pretty sure that her puppy love wasn’t going to hurt him at all, so he was just content to let her say her piece and lay there.

“Now Fleur, I was just trying to tell you that there was no hard feelings and that you were going to—“

“Menteur !” Fleur spat. “I am sitting here trying to tell you how I feel and you’re going to give me that hogwash?!”

“Hey! My letting down speech was going to be lovely, thank you very much!” Anny retorted, waving at the table. “We were going to have pancakes, you were going to tell me that you like me, I would have let you down, we would have hugged, and then we would have finished our pancakes!”

“No, it looked like you were going to stop me before I could say a thing!” Fleur narrowed her eyes at him. “Well too bad, poulain, you are going to at least let me tell you how I feel before you go about that!”

Groaning, Anny waved a hand. “Alright then, go ahead!” he said, exasperated. “Can you at least let me up before you do it though? Our food’s getting cold.”

Taking a deep breath, Fleur leaned down until her’s and Anny’s noses were touching. “Anny,” she said, giving him an unwavering stare. “For the two months that I have known you, I have seen nothing but good things from you. You are a good stallion, a good stallion that shouldn’t be paired up with one such as Princess Celestia.”

Anny frowned, but he bit his tongue and let her continue.

“She tried to dump you on me for months, she was the one that tried to play with your life like it you were nothing more than a jouet, and I believe that you deserve better.”

All of her courage now used up, Fleur looked away from him. “Even though in the beginning I was just trying to bring you to me as a favor, my interest… grew overtime, so much so that now I can’t ignore it.” Forcing herself, she looked back into his eyes. “I know you do not really know me, but I’d like to change that. I would like you to get to know and learn to love the pony that I actually am, Anny.”

Taking a step away from him, Fleur turned and started to make her way out of the kitchen. “I know that you think you love that coquine with a crown but I promise you that I will be trying my hardest to win your affections over these next few weeks. Not as the supermodel, Fleur de Lis, but as the mare.”

“And if I don’t want you to do that?” Anny asked, resisting the urge to rub his temples in frustration.

Fleur just looked over her shoulder and flashed him a cheeky grin. “Celestia told you no at first, yes?” she said. “I don’t see why I would have to take your first no for an answer.”

Moving past a still muttering Twilight, Fleur reached for the door. “And just remember, Anny my dear, unlike you, I have no problems playing dirty for love. Passez une bonne journée mon chéri!“

Anny groaned as soon as she closed the door, flopping onto his back in the middle of the kitchen floor. “Why?” he asked aloud. “Why, when I’ve worked for months to get a date, is everyone and their freaking grandmother wanting to ask me out?! WHY?!”

Just then, Spike, rubbing an eye and yawning hugely, walked through the kitchen door. “Oh there you are, Anny,” he said, hopping up into a chair. “Twilight’s still sitting there angry huh? Ohhh, pancakes! Do you mind if I eat a couple?”

Anny closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. “Spike, could you give me a minute?”

“I just wanted to know if I could have some of these, I really don’t see the big deal,” Spike said, shoving a pancake into his mouth. “You’re just sitting there anyway and letting these go cold!”

Anny sighed. “Just… eat them; I’m not even hungry anymore anyway.”

This isn’t going to turn out great, he thought, staring up at the ceiling. …Huh, I wonder what she meant by she has no problems playing dirty for love?...

Next Chapter: How to Date Alicorns: A Human's Guide Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 47 Minutes
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