I walked around the train car, sun barely starting to head towards the horizon. I was utterly restless, pacing about like a madman. I wandered about the train car until finally caving and heading towards the engine. The air was crisp, clean, a little cold even. I charged into the engine, finding Bane laying on his back and reading some magazine.

"Hey dude, what's up?" He flipped through his magazine. "Hey, check this out."

I walked over to him, "What's- oh dude, I've got a...huh...." He flipped over another page. "That's...how...how do ponies have pubes?!" I asked with a snap.

"It's all dye and stuff, but it's nice right? Gotta love a little color." Bane stated with a dirty laugh. "Anyways, did you need something?"

I scratched my head. "I was gonna ask if it was time to head down," I looked out the window. "Do you always look at porn first thing in the morning?"

Bane scoffed, "I've been living under Luna, jobless, bored, horny, this is my first job since...since a long time. So yeah, force of habit."

"Give me that thing!" I yanked the magazine from him. I looked over the smut filled pages, pony after pony, pegasus, earth, unicorn and Cadance. "Wow...I...I was gonna ask how they made this, but I think I get it...." I flipped through Cadance's sections. "Isn't she married?"

"Aren't we all--"

"No...we're not." I ogled a soft blue unicorn, splayed out, O-face perfect as she laid across a silk sheet. Her hooves roamed her body as the pictures went on, slowly working their way down her stomach, "I'm...gonna keep this."

"Not that one...." Bane reached under his cot. "That's...kinda crusty."

"Oh Jesus!" I chucked the magazine at the wall. "God damn it!"

Bane just started laughing. "Here, I got a bunch of copies. I tried to give them to the old-schoolers, but they called me a heathen...."

I grabbed the magazine from him. "Anyways...we ready to go?"

Bane shrugged, his expression rather bored. "I guess." He hopped off his cot and went to the machinery. "Go on, settle in and I'll start it up."

I took another copy of the magazine and started heading back to the passenger car. I stumbled forward into the door as the train suddenly lurched forward. "Piece of shit!" I snapped at the train. "Ow...."

Bane's voice rang out from the engine, "sorry. Not used to riding with others!"

"No shit! I could tell by all the porn!" I carefully made my way out of the engine, slowly making my way into the passenger train. I found Foxglove curled up on the bed, slowly coming to. "Hey, I'm back." I plopped down next to her. "And I brought porn."

Foxglove just glared at me, mane frazzled, eyes annoyed. "Ben...." Her voice was clear.

I stood up, setting a magazine down and heading towards the fuel car. She grabbed the magazine and started flipping through it, leaving me to watch as the sun set, lanterns were lit in the town below and we chugged our way towards it. It was beautiful, a small mountain town nestled against the foot of a valley wall, burning orange in the sunset light.

I peered back into the passenger train, watching Foxglove abuse a curled up magazine and read her copy. I frowned a little and went back to watching the town. We slowly pulled into town, a crowd already gathering at the miniature station. I let out an excited squeal as we coasted in.

Foxglove wandered out, "Ben...we're here?"

"We're in Transylmania, yes."

Foxglove took a deep breath. "I couldn't finish...," She sounded legitimitly sad. "Nervous."

I knelt down to her, "Nervous? W--" I stopped dead as I heard something land on the train. "Behind me?"

Foxglove nodded, eyes averting from the creature. A horridly raspy voice broke the silence. "Krossa, verduk',"

Foxglove took a deep breath and stepped back. "Krossa, human." Foxglove motioned for me to turn around.

I slowly peered behind me, a rather long silvery maned pony was standing on the fuel tanker above me, her coat a slate grey ordeal and eyes a bright white. "Uh...hello."

The creature frowned hard. "Krossa neh drooga thesse?"

Foxglove walked next to me. "Neh, drooga equs."

The feral looking bat pony rolled her eyes. "Foreigners... how typical." Her voice was like butter, with a heavy bite to it. "Well...don't just stand there like a damn fool. You're here, explain yourself!"

I felt myself growing extremely intimidated as more and more scraggy looking bats landed on the train. Bane watched from a window, a look of panic on his face. "I'm...Ben Wesk, I was, given- some-" A rather large bat thudded to a halt in front of me. "-land in north east Equestria. This was-- Alright what the fuck!?" I looked at the growing crowd. "Foxglove?!"

"Ben, you're food to them."

"Oh fuck...are you--"

"That depends." The first bat mare laid down and looked me over. "Viduk!" At her word the crowd backed up a step. "Continue."

I rubbed my face and flicked my thumb across my fang. "Apparently I'm a count, and they gave me some land up here."

"Under who's authority?" Her voice caressing the t, making it roll off her tongue like silk from a loom.

"Princess Luna." I stated calmly.

The pony atop the fuel tank just laughed. "The banished, so we are to simply allow her to send some, creature, to our land and proclaim his rule?"

"Never said that--"

"Then why are you here?" The mare asked, rolling onto her back and letting her mane spill over the edge of the tank. "Hmm? Not some strange conqueror, not some sort of invader. Prey perhaps, but why would a rabbit walk into a wolves' den?"

I shrugged. "Exploring cultures, and it wasn't actually my idea." I looked down to Foxglove. "Well...."

Foxglove took a deep breath.  "I wanted him to meet all of you...and...Arder belongs to us now."

The mare on high frowned hard. "Is that so? Because Luna said it was yours?" She stood and looked down at me. "What are you creature, what are you that Luna would give an alien creature a noble title!?"

"Human, father to a generation of your god damn people!" I snapped, matching her aggression in kind. "Look if you wanna start shit, let's start shit!"

The mare's judgmental frown hardened. "Is that so? Urik, neh." The crowd and Foxglove took a step back. "You're representing your race...make it count."

The mare lunged at me, fangs bared. I dodged right, slamming my ribs into the guard rail. The mare spun around, digging her hooves into the grit of the metal floor and running at me. I caught her with my foot, the mare biting me and jamming her fangs through my shoe. "What the fuck!?"

"Ben! You're gonna want to actually fight!" Foxglove yelled, landing with the others. "Like, you're gonna wanna hit her!"

I looked back to the mare on my leg. She was like a rabid dog, tearing at my leg like mad. I grabbed the railing and kicked her off. "Lunatic!"

"Heretic!" She shot back, lifting herself off the ground. "Fight me!"

I hopped the railing, landing hard on the broken concrete platform. "Fine! Let's go then bitch!" I got into my best pose and brought my arms up. The mare circled me like a wolf.

"You're interesting! I'll allow you such!"

"And you're a bloody fruitcake!" I ran at the mare, kicking at her. The mare kicked my leg down with her forelegs. I fell to my left knee, my right leg stretched out fully. The mare stepped onto my outstretched leg and run up towards me. I threw my arms in front of my neck, having a pair of fangs bite deep into my wrist. "Bitch!" I grabbed the mare, twisting my body forward and slamming her into the ground.

She let out a pained grunt and tried to stand. "Off!"

"Fuck no!" I jammed my weight against her, rolling atop her and putting into a full nelson. "Psycho!"

The bat mare kicked and screamed, her silvery mane flying about like mad and her tail slapping my thigh. "Krossa- vina ros--

"Oh shut up!" I snapped my head down, sinking my teeth into her neck and biting down hard. She went wild, kicking and grumbling, trying to get free. I kept my weight on her, arms wound around her forelegs and head. The mare slowly went docile, her kicks growing weaker and weaker, voice turning from breathing grunts of exertion to soft whimpers of acceptance.

"Um...Ben, you can stop."

I kept on, jamming myself tight against her and shifting my grip. She was trapped, docile, I had won.

"Ben...seriously."

I felt something press against my groin as the mare's tail wrapped around my leg. I bit a little harder, making the mare whimper softly.

"Back off bitch!" I felt something clock me over the back of the head. "Get the fuck off my fucking mate!"

The beating continued until I let up. "Hey- ow- fuck- ow!" I let go and backed away from the painful kicks to the head. "What the hell?"

Foxglove bristled at the downed mare. "Try something and I will end you, bitch!"

The downed mare let out a pleased moan. "Perhaps later...." She stood and ran her hoof over her neck. "Interesting...certainly rather...virile. I am starting to understand." The mare smiled seductively at me. "Very well, you can stay. But not at Ader."

"Alright!" I got to my feet. "Can someone tell me what just happened?!"

Foxglove disarmed herself. "You mounted her. She submitted...so...you- Look it doesn't mean anything alright!"

I held my hands out and looked around at the growing crowd. "No! It's not alright, Foxglove, what does it mean!?"

Foxglove grew a little red. "You're supposed to fuck her...." She rubbed her face. "You mount a mare, you bite her, she's yours for a...a...a night." She turned to me with a heavy frown. "Please don't though...Ben...please don't."

"I wasn't planning on it!" I snapped back. "Weight is leverage, leverage is key! I didn't mount shit!"

Foxglove let out a short huff. "Thank Luna you're stupid." She ran over and threw her hoof around me. "Now- ...." She locked up. "...Ben...I'm leaking aren't I?"

I held her back a step, her bra soaked through and dripping. "Uh, yep."

Foxglove start huffing. "I- why!? Why the fucking buck, bucker bucking fuck...why does it have to be me?"

I rubbed my head, spotting a mood swing from a mile away. "Oh god...."

"It's always me Ben, always! I get a job, I get boobs, I get milked like a cow!" I grabbed her and put her over my shoulder. "I try to do good and some bitch tries to rape you--" I put my hand in her mouth. "No, I don't--" again, "Stop--" and again. We went back and forth until finally she started chewing and calmed down.

I spotted the silver maned one leaning against a wall. "Krossa, I said you could go." She added a heated smile. "Or are you taking your place at my side?"

I glared at her. "Back up bitch." She didn't seem to understand the insult. "You're gonna explain shit or I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass--"

"Alright, foreigner, I suppose it's fine."

"You'll be- Oh.... Take the wind out of my sails why don't ya." I let foxglove hang off my shoulder my hand jammed in her mouth. "Well, what's Arder?"

The mare cocked an eyebrow. Her silver brow bright against her slate grey coat. "You come to our land, knowing nothing?" She looked at Foxglove. "And bringing a pregnant mare?"

"Bitch I'm not--"

"Stay out of this!" I snapped at Foxglove, heart racing a mile a minute from the sudden surge of excitement. "Arder, what is it!?"

The bat mare chuckled softly. "Of stone and oak, Arder stands tall." She pointed to the castle in the background. "That, is Arder. But I can't let you go there."

"Like hell I can't!" I grabbed her by the mane with my free hand. "Take me there!"

The mare looked at me half liddedly. "My friend, I may be sympathetic, but the others." She looked around, drawing my attention to a growing crowd of fierce looking bats. "Might not accept you."

I was either going to back down and risk damaging my apparently fragile reputation, or stand tall and possibly die. "Hold this." I unloaded Foxglove onto the silver maned mare and stood tall. "My name is Benjamin Mathew Wesk, and I was appointed Count of this land, Count on Transylmania, any who oppose my rule will be dealt with harshly!" My heart was beating a mile a minute as I continued my bluff. "I am going to Arder, I am taking my place, and I am going to bring some life to this- this- this hell hole!"

The crowd bustled a little. The silver maned mare stepped before me. "Well, we have a reputation for rebellion and the nobles sent before you...they were rather delicious." She slid her sharp tongue along her lips. "Griffon meat, unicorn flesh, even a dog creature. And now you come, want to walk right into Arder and proclaim yourself a count!?"

I stared at her, addressing the crowd through her. "Yes. Yes I do."

The crowd grew angry, a few bats stepping forward to meet me. The silver mare smiled wide. "Krossa, birut dak Arder."

The bats that stepped forward nodded. "Ya keerk dak Arder."

"Alright, does someone want to--"

The silver maned one smiled. "They're going with you." The silver maned hugged Foxglove as she started to cry. "Find a sword of some sort...you're going to need it."

"What, why!?"

"Dracko" A bat pony said, walking over to me. "Rik Rik Dracko an Arder."

I looked to the silver mane and shrugged. She smiled and eased her expression. "Have you ever seen a Draco? It's like a miniature dragon."

I got caught up in her speech. "Alright...you're seriously trying to fuck me with your voice, please stop." I rubbed my ears to try and get her rolling words out of my head. "Great...so just to clear this up. I got here, now you're expecting me to go in and slay a fucking dragon? In a castle? In a Draconian land?!" I rubbed my temples. "Can I get drunk first?"

The silver mare smiled and closed her eyes. "Are you not intoxicated by our, intimacy?"

I felt slimy as her voice rolled over me. "God damn, there ya go again!"

"Sir, I can assure you, if I was truly set on making you my mate, you wouldn't have much of a say."

Foxglove let out an angry scream. "I'm gonna fucking kill this bitch!"

The silver mane stepped away. "What is wrong with her?"

I shook my hand left and right. "She's in heat."

Silver mane cocked her eyebrow once again. "As you say. My name is Moon Light by the way, your face reads of confusion."

I shook my head. "Oh hi new strange culture, what's that, you want to try and rape me? Okay! Oh, I have to fight a dragon thing just to get to my land? Okay! Oh, did I forget to ask your name? I'm so fucking sorry!"

A loud clanking came from my back. I turned around to find a few bat ponies in blue armor. "Reedie"

I looked to Moon Light. "I- fuck it." I grabbed a sword from a bat pony. "Things can't really get any weirder."

"Says the bipedal predator with cotton skin."

I looked down at my clothes. "It's a hoodie!"

"Ben...." Foxglove croaked out. "Just go. I'll be fine...but we need that place." She looked up at me, crying slightly. "Just don't die!"

I felt horrid as she started weeping. Light looked over to me. "You do know how to use that, yes?"

I looked at the sword in my hands. "It's a sword. I'll figure it out." I turned towards Arder, dark above the lantern lit town. "So...about that drink?"