Day 1

Canterlot

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really? You could have just looked out the window and seen that everything was hunky dory down here, but nooooooooo, you had to get me to do all your dirty work while you get “special services” from some of the stupid guards.

Alright, let’s just cut to the chase, Canterlot blows rock hard wee wee.

First of all, were you high when you thought it would be a good idea to situate the damn place on the side of a freaking MOUNTAIN? I would LOVE to hear the planning that went into THAT decision.

‘This is incredibly inconvenient, incredibly dangerous, and just all around a stupid idea, but it’s okay, because I have MAGIC!’

It doesn't help that this place is fucking TINY; I could get from your palace to the train station in like three minutes! Also, you can’t even walk two feet without running into some asshole, because there is one street that has a MILLION shops on BOTH sides. It’s more crowded than The Gentlecolts Club on a friday night!

And don’t get me STARTED on the ponies in this forsaken place, they all walk like they have a stick up their ass, and have their snouts pointed to the sky for goodness knows why…I’d better get extra points for making THAT rhyme.

Oh and did I mention they are all royal douchebags. I swear, I just tried to buy a coffee from freaking Starbuckers and damn cashier wouldn't give me one because I looked like a “hoodlum”. Like, what the hell? Last time I checked I was giving you MY bits. It doesn't matter though; I didn't want your Coco Moco Loco Latte Shit Sundae anyways.

The only thing that determines your status here, is if you have the latest watch or bow tie or if you curled your mane or some shit. Otherwise, you’re just cast as another degenerate that spends all his time getting drunk at the local bar.

Speaking of the bar, that’s the best damn place here! You can actually TALK to someone without having them judge you like you’re the spawn of Discord! I think I will go there after I’m done with this shitty letter.

By the way, thanks for the Grand Galloping Gala tickets, I can now safely say that it is the WORST thing ever. Oh, I must be mistaken; I thought I was going to a PARTY not a god damn soap opera! All anyone did was gossip, oh, did you hear about Summer Flower’s latest miscarriage? How about the fact that Sprinkle Shine does lines of cocaine in the schools washroom? Does it look like I give any fucks?

The answer is no, no I don’t.

Your music taste also seriously sucks donkey balls, I understand that you are like 1 bazillion years old but seriously get a DJ or SOMETHING, not this bullshit classical music that nearly made me fall asleep on the dance floor.

I heard a rumor that last year at the Grand Galloping Gala, six ponies completely destroyed the ballroom and nearly KILLED hundreds of ponies, and you just LAUGHED, saying that it “livened” things up! Well it wouldn't be very lively, if everyone was dead now would it? You sick fuck.

I guess I should mention the “Wonderbolts” show, you know it would be really cool… if I gave a shit. Honestly, watching ponies do loops n’ crap maybe interesting if you were a PEGASUS, but I really don’t care. It's pointlessly dangerous in my eyes.

I think the pony beside me was dropped on his head when he was younger, because I’m pretty sure he's not well, oh, and his screaming gave me an aneurysm.

Okay, I have to wrap this shit up, in conclusion Canterlot is a shit hole, the ponies here are fucking idiots, the entertainment is more boring than watching plants grow, and the consumerism that controls this place is literally worse than Discord. All in all, you should be ashamed of yourself for creating this stupid image that everyone here thinks they need to follow.

Now, I think I’ll grab a beer and try to figure out what the hell went wrong in my life.

Sincerely,

Your pissed off critic

P.S: There are too many unicorns here, and they are all racist twats.