Your Human and You: I Think Spartacus is Visiting His Mum
Side story of I Am Not Spartacus
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I think someponies are fundamentally insane, Cadence thought as she listened to Lady Horn Swoggle, At least Nightmare Moon was a more interesting conversationalist.

"So the color-coordination of the toe nails is absolutely essential to making a fine presentation. You've merely burnished your hooves and left his entirely unpainted," the mare told her, and gestured to her own human whose toenails matched the shade of hoofpolish Lady Horn Swoggle wore.

It doesn't bother me that out of hundreds of ponies at this show, she singled me out for this treatment, Cadence thought, It doesn't bother me that she is completely wasting my time and doesn't listen to a word I say, when I can get a word in edgewise. What really bothers me is the way her head starts tilting, only to snap back, and then start tilting again.

Cadence nodded at the latest blathering. I will NEVER do this to Armor. So that stifling a yawn goes through impolite, and verges on becoming a life-or-death struggle, she thought as she heard her brain cells committing suicide in large numbers, just to free themselves from the prating.

Finally, the mare shuddered and wandered off. Cadence nearly collapsed with relief, but dashed out of the mare's sight and yawned enormously. She glanced over to Percy who had the same beatific expression Celestia wore when playing a horrible trick on someone.

Yet another reason they get on so well, Cadence thought.

"I apologize for that. I can't seem to get away from her," Cadence said, "And her ever so helpful advice."

Percy scratched her behind the ears, and the world seemed a better place for a few moments.

"I wonder if other humans scratch their ponies behind the ears like that?" Cadence wondered aloud.
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"It's clear his teeth are artificial!" one mare yelled at the other.

"While that's bad taste, the shape of the teeth is what's important," the other mare shouted back.

"I think you both agree that his teeth down grade him," Cadence said and made placating gestures, "Can't we all calm down?"

"You stay out of this!" they both told her and angrily waved their hooves at her.

Cadence backed up and stared at them in horror as they screamed and yelled at each other. Finally, she'd had enough and used her power. A pair of little hearts flicked out and touched both of them. The argument cooled and they still stared at each other.

"Why don't you take your disagreement to a Marshall?" Blueblood told the two officials, "That is their function here." The stallion's near cloud of humans approached at a leisurely pace. The officials nodded and headed off, still arguing.

"Prince Blueblood," Cadence managed without sounding bitter.

"Oh, don't mind the rescue, after all, it is incumbent on the experienced handlers to help those in need at these shows. As a committee member, it is doubly important. On executive, triply."

"Oh, you're on the executive committee," Cadence said, "It must be a terrible responsibility."

"I cope," he said, then grimaced and rubbed his forehead with a hoof. "Now, you have a fine human here, but you seem to want to overturn all the conventions that judges are used to. You might do better to keep him on a loose leash, but for you to emulate how the more experienced trainers handle themselves."

"Do tell," she said, and envisioned locking Blueblood up in a room with Lady Horn Swoggle until doomsday.

"We'll, your obstacle course. You proved Percy is able to run the course with minimal supervision, but that isn't what the judges are looking for. They are looking for his speed of execution, and your positive control. Running to the end of the obstacle and having him come to you, then both of you running to the next would allow you the charmingly eccentric touch you desire." He put his hoof on his forehead again.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Just nerves, and the report that the PHH are going to 'attend'," he said, "Pack of ruffians the lot of them, but this show is open to the public." He grinned. "Maybe you could pour sauce on one of them and let Percy eat him." Blueblood chuckled.

Cadence glanced at Percy as her blood ran cold. He wouldn't hurt a pony who came after me, would he?

"As I was saying, running to the end of the obstacle as Percy goes through would allow the judges to treat you as more within accepted practices. Excuse me, I have to check on things."

Blueblood withdrew, and several of the females waved their hands, or their bottoms at Percy. Predictable, he was almost oblivious.

" 'The charmingly eccentric touch you desire'," Cadence said in Blueblood's supercilious tones. She stomped her hooves. "Grrr! He makes me so mad!"

Percy responded by scratching her behind her ears.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she said, "I just want to beat him so badly."

Now both hands were scratching.

Somepon - somebody, doesn't approve, she thought as she let his soft nails scratch away all her tension.
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Cadence couldn't keep her hooves still as she watched the judges approach the podium. "Are you as excited as I am?" she asked, but kept her eyes on the judge.

"Fifth place, yellow ribbon, Lady Swoggle's Sweet Muffin," the judge said. There was polite applause.

"Fourth place, green ribbon, and Judge's Choice award, Princess Cadence's Ursine Persiflage."

Cadence squealed happily as she hugged Percy and jumped up and down. Percy regarded her with amusement.

"Third place, bronze medal, Prince Blueblood's Velvet."

Cadence watched as the human duplicated her enthusiasm, hugging Blueblood and crying out happily. Percy, the traitor, applauded along with the others.

"Second place, silver medal, and Marshall's Choice, Corn Flake's Sunrise Flash," he said. More applause.

"First place, and Best in Show, gold medal with diamond cluster, Prince Blueblood''s Dusk Shine. Let's have a round of applause."

Cadence felt Percy nudge her as he applauded as Blueblood let the woman into the circle and followed her. Cadence felt her breath catch in her throat as the woman sauntered around, then bowed regally to the judges. She's gorgeous, Cadence thought as she gulped when the woman fixed her eyes on Percy. She stifled the intense jealousy and the urge to grab Percy and shout 'mine!' to the human woman. Dusk Shine stood at the fence and crooked her finger at Percy. Cadence bristled, until Percy put his hand on her head and gently drew her forward with him. In the background, nearly every human male, and about a third of the ponies were looking at Cadence and Percy with absolute hatred and jealousy. The female seemed bemused that Percy had brought Cadence, but she knelt, took Cadence's muzzle in her hands and kissed the mare.

Cadence felt her ears go up and her whole body feel like she'd been hit by lightning. That was, she thought as she stumbled back a pace, Oh, wow. She shook her head and watched the woman gasping, her head thrown back as she held onto Percy with both arms and a leg. Percy was not limiting himself to kissing her mouth, and held her curvy form tight against him.

After a few moments he stopped and held her at arms' length. The woman seemed to exhale smoke from her nose as she gave him a sultry gaze before rejoining Blueblood. Even her master was staring at Percy under raised eyebrows.

Considering the rumors about Percy and Celestia, I can imagine what they're thinking now, she thought as Percy walked away from the fence. Behind him, Dusk Shine was shimmying her hips and glancing over at him hungrily. If I could stud him, I could buy Equestria. Or I could 'rent' him to mares for even more money. She remembered the passionate kiss by the human mare, and shivered. Okay, I think that's almost enough fun for one day. She blew out a breath and continued after Percy.
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Don't think about that kiss, don't think about that kiss, don't think about that kiss, Cadence kept telling herself as she paced in her living room, but the nearly electric feeling kept coursing through her, Think of something else, say something to distract yourself.

"I can't believe they marked him down for the shape of his teeth," she said.

Oh great, think about her owner and what he's getting, but oh Celestia! What Percy did to her, and he's . . . think of something else, think of something else. He's Celestia's, you and Armor are affianced.

" 'Clearly artificial and in extremely bad taste.'" She shuddered as she tried to drive the thoughts from her mind as she paced. But the kiss kept coming back to her, and then Dusk Shine's reaction to Percy. Think of something else, think of something else. I never thought of humans like that. I didn't rescue Percy only to use him like that. But what he and Celestia do, he did a little bit to Dusk Shine and she nearly passed out. Think of something else, think of something else! she told herself.

When Armor and Percy grabbed her she nearly squealed in surprise. As she felt Armor and Percy cooperating, she tried to banish the thoughts going through her head about where this might be going. "No fair! I wanted to be mad!" she said and snuggled deep in Armor's lap.

"Yes, dear, I understand dear," Armor told her and started nibbling at the base of her horn.

Cadence gasped and felt Percy's fingers digging into all the tension in her spine. The actuality drove out all the worries and guesses. The reality of what she had drove out the speculation of what might be. Armor and I have the wedding to look forward to, although no one will speak against us if we consummate early. And Percy, I think I'll let Percy decide what he'll do. He's only shown real interest in Celestia. I guess I should be grateful. I have Armor, and Aunt Celestia had nopony, I can't take him away from her. It wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair. She snuggled in Armor's lap.
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Cadence giggled as Percy 'snuck' out of the apartment for his rendezvous with Celestia. Cadence long ago learned about the galleries that let favorites, and guards, watch Celestia at all times.

One of the advantages of being the one everyone loves and trusts, she thought as she crept into the gallery, A little curiosity can't hurt, and I'll leave before they get started. I guess I am curious, too curious for my own good.

Below her was Celestia's spartan bedroom, two guards, and Percy. She nearly gave herself away with a giggle when Percy looked straight at the guards and did a little dance routine and a couple of cartwheels.

Cadence nearly gasped as Celestia became a human, and Percy that magnificent alicorn. She squirmed slightly as she felt her blood roiling inside. He's gorgeous, she thought as she watched.

Percy speaking shocked her further. "Hello. Ce-lestia and Percy . . . play. Loud play, maybe looks like hurts, but is not. Looks like danger, smells like danger, but is not. The Gr - Cel-estia likes to play. So Percy very scary for her."

Cadence felt alternating hot and cold.

"What a wonderful idea," the Celestia said as she chuckled, "If I am really in trouble I say something like 'candle wax'."

"If you not like Percy, you beat him on walls until grease stain," from Percy almost made Cadence laugh. Then Celestia and Percy gave the guards a long and exquisite kiss. Cadence nearly squealed as she watched, and watched the guards react.

Cadence couldn't stand it, she slipped out of her overlook and back down the stairs, quietly latching the door behind her. If I stayed to watch them, I'd probably explode, she thought, And which would be worse? Watching them go on, or having them catch me and include me? She shivered at the thought as much from suppressed desire as from fear. They're my friends, both of them, but the two of them, like that, together. That's just scary.

She returned to her apartment, took a long, cold shower, and considered ambushing Armor when he came back.
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It was several hours later when Celestia as an alicorn knocked on Cadence's apartment door. Accompanying her were her two guards and Percy. Cadence helped her get Percy into the bathtub and the two of them washed him off.

"You could have stayed to watch," Celestia said.

Cadence nearly dropped Percy on his head.

"It's not like I didn't already have an audience," Celestia said and chuckled.

Cadence briefly considered a number of evasions, or drowning herself in the tub, then decided on the truth. "I have Armor, you have no one. Not a pony, not a human, no one. It would be wrong to interfere. Besides, Percy may be my friend and protector, but he's clearly more interested in you than me, for sex at least."

Celestia nuzzled her, not with the passion she and Percy had shown, but as a mother with her foal. "Don't assume he doesn't love you too. He's not that free with his trust. He cares for us," Celestia seemed unwilling to complete her sentence, then she explained, "That 'Pink' and 'the Great White' were the only ponies who didn't guarantee he'd be fighting and killing today, or tomorrow. Don't underestimate what having a nice home and a family can do for someone."

Cadence smiled. "I still think you traumatized those two guards."

"They wanted to know if I had a decent stallion. I knew they wouldn't believe me if I told them, so I just had to show them," Celestia said as the soul of innocence.

Cadence frowned as her horn magic dressed Percy and carried him to his bed. "So how much of that past few hours were you two shocking those guards, and how much was something else?"

Celestia waited until Cadence had set Percy down before she said, "All of it."

Cadence stared at her. Celestia waived a hoof in front of her face. "Oh well, I'll let myself out."

Four hours, even with magic, how is that possible? she thought. She felt an odd hot-cold chill cover her spine. Do I even want to know?
------------------------------

Armor had that feeling he got when he was walking into an ambush. Except I'm outside my apartment, he thought, Different kind of ambush. Shopping for doilies, maybe. He walked in. Cadence, her four guards: Light Song, Spring Forest, Lonely Tears, Bright Treasure, the two new guards who'd been assigned to Celestia for the night: Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze, and neither Celestia nor Percy.

"Four hours, four buckin' hours," Honey Bronze moaned, "How could they keep going."

Yes, very dangerous ground for a stallion, Armor thought as he waved to a frazzled-looking Cadence.

"I'm sure it wasn't continuous," Cadence said, then she nodded back and waved him over.

"Sure it was start and stop, not like what you'd call breaks or anything," Sugar Rain said. Cadence's guards were all smirking.

"I've never even heard of an alicorn stallion," Honey Bronze said, and got all of Cadence's guards' attention. "He was, he was, he was."

"Yes he certainly was that, and more," Sugar Rain sighed.

Armor remembered his encounter with 'Percy-alicorn' and what he'd seen in Percy's eyes. Infinite wisdom and infinite sadness, Armor thought, Just like Celestia. Both of them have seen things that no normal person of any race should see. No wonder they match up, neither one can share what they've seen and done to survive, not with someone who hasn't been there and done the same. He shuddered at how frightening the look had been, and the effect it had on him.

"He wants her to be happy," Armor said, "And everyone else." He glanced at Cadence. "Including us, is too intimidated. So he's the only one who will play with her."

"Four hours of - is play?" the two guards squealed.

Honey Bronze looked from him to Cadence and back. "Does he play with you two?"

"Not that way," Cadence assured her, "There is something to be said for alicorn stamina. But he does like to do little things to keep us happy."

"And a little off-kilter," Armor added, "He's a hoofful, but we wouldn't have it any other way."

The guards nodded. Armor smiled as he and Cadence weathered that particular storm.

"But four buckin' hours."

Or not, Armor thought and went to the kitchen to make some tea.
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Celestia trudged back to her suite. She had felt so good after her session with Percy, but a flat rejection by Luna had brought her entire mood crashing down. Luna had said the most hurtful thing she could: 'Sister, I am unnecessary.' Celestia had thought of everything she could, that Luna could do that she couldn't. And the list was depressingly short, and that the nation had survived without that service for a thousand years only underscored the point.

You aren't redundant, my sister, Celestia thought and looked around the building. Luna's simple statement, not even an accusation, hurt worse than a blow. 'This is your kingdom, I am here simply because you desired it. That your word alone is law, architecture honors the sun and all are ready to worship you. Everything has survived without me for a thousand years. Only you say you need me. I will do what I can, but that is not enough.'

And they are afraid of you. There is no one who can look at you without seeing Nightmare Moon. Even the Elements, she thought, And all I can see is my overeager sister, seeking to carve out a place of her own. A need I needed a hard betrayal and centuries of thought to understand.

She entered her apartments and closed the door to return to sleep, and wondered if she should have asked Luna to watch over her dreams. That was one of the few things she had no talent for, and the ponies, and their ruler needed desperately.
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Armor heard Percy moving and nudged Cadence. "Fifty bits say he doesn't react."

"Oh, he's got to react!" Cadence said.

"I'll see that fifty bits, commander," Cadence's four guards assembled the fifty bits.

They watched as Percy exited his room, trailing dozens of ribbons. Percy glanced at the collection of ponies in the living room, but continued into the bathroom.

"He knows how to use the bathroom?" Sugar Rain asked. Once he's done, he joined them at the table.

"Pay up," Armor said as Percy seemed to ignore the dozens of bows in his hair and their trailing ribbons.

"Have you . . . ?" Honey Bronze asked and nodded in Percy's direction.

Cadence shook her head. "No," she said firmly and gazed into her tea. "He's comfortable with her Highness, and she him, and I wouldn't want to interfere."

The guards nodded. "He's unlike any human I've ever heard of."

"You don't know the half of it," Armor muttered.

"Well, she and he play so rough, I'm not interested," Cadence said, and grinned as Celesta's guards made strangled noises.

"Wasn't their first encounter, him defending Armor and me from her," Cadence added thoughtfully, causing both newcomers to choke. "He didn't know who she was, but I think her Highness got rather . . . excited by him desperately trying to beat her up."

Cadence's guards grew irritated, while Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze sat disbelieving and nervous. They stare at the alicorn gently sipping her tea. The four guards were just smiling and nodding in agreement.

"But four hours!" Honey Bronze said, "I watched, and even I can't believe it's possible."

"He's very clever," Light Song said, "Probably thought it was a challenge."

The other newcomer just whimpered.
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Cadence watched as Shining Armor comforted the serving maid who'd been chased out of the Lunar Princess' quarters. She'd barely avoided the tray that practically exploded out after her. Cadence found, to her shame, that she didn't have the courage to march in there and tell the princess what a brat she was being.

Mainly because I'd be flung out like that tray, Cadence thought as she spotted another problem that she'd been seeing more of lately. Great, this one's a dragon.

She came up behind the young dragon who was intently watching the drama. She sighted along the dragon's line of sight and realized it wasn't Armor the dragon was staring at. "Something I can help you with?" she asked.

The dragon turned, blushed and then looked back. "Isn't he magnificent?"

"Percy?" Cadence asked as she looked, Percy and a couple guards were screening Armor as he talked to the frightened mare.

"Yes, he's so bragmordrin, I just can't stand it!" the dragon practically squealed.

" 'Bragmordrin'?" Cadence asked. She knew a lot of the dragon's language, but that one escaped her.

"Yes, there's no pony word for it, but, here." The dragon indicated. "Look at Percy, then look at everyone around him. Who bends for whom?"

Cadence was about to protest, when she decided just to do as the dragon suggested. Looking with just that criteria, she realized, ponies, and other humans went around Percy. The other two guards made an effort, but Percy just was. I've seen Armor do the same, she thought, Was that what caught my eye? That he 'bent' the world around him?

"Look, look, watch, this should be fascinating!" the young dragon said, and pointed to Celestia approaching. It was instantly clear who bent for whom as she approached. But when she approached Percy and Armor, they gave ground, letting Celestia at the maid. But that's it, they didn't retreat as the others did. They consciously stepped aside.

"Thank you, it's much to think about," Cadence said, "But you might want to watch him and Celestia."

"Oh I know, you bought him, and he is with her," the dragon said, "But understand. You can't 'own' someone like that. He will do what needs to be done, and hang all consequences. Even his own death will not turn him aside." The dragon grinned. "If he were a dragon, I might challenge you for him, but, if he were, he might just kill me for issuing the challenge."

Cadence watched the young dragon trot away. I wish it was that Dusk Shine instead, one infatuated human I can deal with. A dragon is a whole other ball game. She looked back at Luna's quarters. Of course I could have always challenged her to go in there and prove her mettle. No, there's no reason to let her get killed because she's as enamored with him as I am.
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Celestia listened to yet another complaint about the division of resources and the 'unfair' advantage some pony was getting by using a new innovation. The noble who was impacted wanted the innovation banned. Of course, Celestia thought, Not that she should actually have to compete on a level playing field, or actually see her estates as some place to work, rather than a source of bits flowing in.

The noise coming from outside the throne room attracted her attention, especially since it managed to silence the insipid complainer before her. The doors burst swing open to admit Luna, Percy, and a host of guards. Whether they were escorts, defenders, or an audience was hard to tell.

"Nay We care not who authorized this, thoust cannot simply drag a princess to the throne room. If our sister desired our presence, guards would have been dispatched not common, unwashed ruffians!" Luna shouted as she struggled far too weakly at the grip Percy had on her ears.

The nobles fell back in horror at the sight. Luna's reputation preceding her, and that a mere human could reduce her to such a state formed a real terror in their minds.

"Please, we, I am not worthy," Luna said as Percy led her up the stair to the throne itself.

Celestia stood, and kept a stern but collect expression at the violation of all protocols. So the fear and growing unease about Luna becomes pity, she thought as she stood and watched the entire court fearfully glancing around as if expecting Celestia's thunder to rain down on them as well.

Percy turned Luna around and pushed her up against Celestia, who almost automatically gathered her under her wing and pulled her close.

Percy stepped away with a relieved but satisfied air as if admiring his work. To his credit, he didn't flinch as her voice boomed across the room.

"Captain Armor."

"Please sister, he did it by my will," Luna whispered and nuzzled her.

"Take this, creature to the deepest of the deep dungeons," Celestia thundered.

"Be at ease," Celestia whispered to Luna and hugged her closely, "He understands the game far better than the ponies. This is a performance for all to see."

Shining Armor and half the court gasped at the harshness of the sentence. "Highness," Armor says. His voice was shaky, then firmed up. "Percy, here, now."

Percy scratched Luna's head before he trotted down the steps to join Captain Armor. The group of guard who'd entered left with Captain Armor as the assembled ponies muttered fearfully to each other.

Celestia was stunned when Blueblood of all ponies stepped out of the crowd, and more so when he gave a half-hearted bow. "Your Highness. I would request you consider offering mercy," he said nervously, and the other ponies of the court pulled back to avoid being struck by whatever doom Celestia hurled down on him.

"Humans are simple creatures. They don't understand our civilization with its protocols and hierarchy. I do not think you can assume that he meant to harm her Highness. He saw that she was in pain, and decided the best thing to do was bring her to you. He cares a great deal for you. Do not punish him for a simple human mistake of solving the problem undiplomatically. My humans often make a mess when trying to solve a problem. They don't need to be disciplined for their attempts, merely trained that their solution is inappropriate."

Celestia looked down at him, her queenly mask covering the shock that he'd choose to defend another pony's human. "I shall, consider it," she told him.

He nodded and stepped back into the crowd. Or rather, tried to. The crowd parted, fearing the royal retribution gainsaying Celestia would garner them.

Do none of these ponies know me? she wondered, Only Blueblood had the presumption to speak, and the others act like I would hurl down lightning as Discord might. She watched them mill around and discuss with themselves as Blueblood left the throne room.

"It was with my blessings," Luna said softly, "I could have broken free at will."

"I know," Celestia said, "But I'm afraid that certain appearances must be maintained."
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The meeting Celestia had been dreading occurred only an hour after her sentencing of Percy. That Cadence walked in alone, apparently composed, and without Shining Armor or her other guards did nothing for Celestia's equanimity.

Then she bowed. Celestia wanted to tell her to desist, but with the rest of the court in attendance, that was denied her.

"Your Highness. What are the charges against my human?" Cadence asked.

It turned Celestia's guts that even Cadence seemed to be afraid of her. "Laying hands on a royal princess. That's Battery even if done to anypony else."

Cadence nodded solemnly. "I see. And her Highness Luna intends to press charges?"

"I haven't spoken to her about it," Celestia said.

"Thank you," Cadence said and bowed. She was gone before Celestia could ask her to come closer.
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Armor walked through the antechamber to the court. He spotted Fancy Pants and felt a little better about what he was going to have to do. That Blueblood was close enough that he might get statements from both at the same time made things marginally better.

"Fancy Pants," he greeted one of the few decent ponies in Canterlot.

"Captain Armor, you're looking particularly dour," the stallion said, "If you don't mind my saying. Perhaps a rest away from the hustle and bustle of the capital."

"Maybe later, sir," Armor said, "I need your version of events of the attack on her Highness."

"Her Highness was attacked?" Fancy Pants asked and looked around. "Blueblood, if you please." The Prince approached. "Captain Armor said that Princess Celestia has been attacked."

"Princess Luna was attacked," Armor said.

"Come with me," Blueblood said, and he and Fancy Pants moved into the throne room proper and threaded through. Fleur Dis Lee was with Princess Luna, in front of a painting.

"Dear," Fancy Pants said to Fleur, "Young Captain Armor says that her Highness Princess Luna was attacked."

"How awful," Fleur turned to Luna and said, "I must assure you that such things rarely happen in Canterlot."

"We can assure you that Captain Armor and the Guard will find the ruffian and see to it that justice is done," Fancy Pants added and turned back to Armor, "When and where did this attack occur?"

"In this room. Right before lunch," Armor said. He tried to keep his irritation at the game-playing out of his voice.

"Oh dear," Fancy Pants said and glanced at Blueblood, "Are you certain of this Captain? In this room, right before lunch. I was here the entire time. Fleur slipped out for some carrots while I worked through lunch on the flood control canal for VanHoover. Blueblood, Highness, did you see any of this?"

Luna looked at all of them.

Blueblood held up a hoof. "Your Highness, not to cast aspersions on your dear sister. We all love her unconditionally, but she does have a propensity for . . . practical jokes."

"Oh dear," Fancy Pants said, "That's almost too cruel. Let us treat this as a legitimate event until proven otherwise." He waved over several senior ministers, 'sound' ponies all.

Brown Chief, Sir Eagle Bell and Moon City ambled over with Sergeant Mile Stone following them. Benevolent Warrior and Furniture Maker arrived to look over the assembly.

"The Captain was asking about an attack on her Highness," Fancy Pants said.

Mile Stone locked eyes with Armor for a moment and shook his head slightly.

"Is her Majesty all right?" Benevolent Warrior asked, he turned to Princess Luna, "I assure you your Highness your government will strive to the utmost to unearth the rationale of this irrational malefactor and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

"Princess Luna was the one attacked," Armor said.

"What are you talking about?" Furniture Maker said, "She's right here!"

"Minister," Benevolent Warrior said, "Pray tell, are you able and allowed to divulge the identity of the reprobate who would lay hooves on our newest entry into the August Royal Family?"

"Thank you," Luna said and nodded.

"The reprobate was Percy," Armor said, and shied back at the sharp bark of laughter from Eagle Bell. All the more surprising from the old, extremely staid bureaucrat.

"My apologies, oh dear," Eagle Bell said, "You were attacked by Percy, dear me, we shall have to arrange an appropriate state funeral, and so soon after your arrival too."

"At least her Highness shall have the comfort of friends after losing you," Fancy Pants said.

"Dear me," Blueblood said, "That might explain why none of us remember the attack."

"He killed us all?" Moon City asked, "The unadulterated cheek of the man!"

Armor looked over at Mile Stone who stared back.

"I think you're missing the point," Fleur Dis Lee said, "If Celestia hasn't hired a medium, then she's on the other side, with us."

"But, I had so much more to live for," Blueblood whined.

"Dost thou truly believe he has the pursuance to slay us all?" Luna asked.

Everyone looked to Benevolent Warrior. "He has slain minotaurs with his bare hands. It is conceivable that he could have annihilated the entire royal court." The bureaucrat looked around, "It does seem to look like Canterlot. Maybe this is a holding area."

Armor considered trying to correct them, then gave up. "I was ordered to investigate an attack on Princess Luna, by Percy. It occurred in this room, just before lunch."

Luna patted his shoulder. "As the Prince did essay, my beloved sister enjoys bediscording those she gauges a-too serious. We cast no aspersions on your character or diligence, but mayhaps a time of rest should be undertaken."

Armor tried to come up with an appropriate retort. He finally fell back on the field manual, and saluted. He left, with Mile Stone following.

"Someone has gone insane, and I think it's me," Armor said once they'd left the throne room.

"What are you going to do?" Mile Stone asked as they trotted along.

"Report my findings," Armor said and shrugged, "And then let Celestia sort it out."

"I'll go with you. You're going to need an escort to the hospital," Mile Stone said, "You're either going to be pronounced insane, or you're going to throw a shoe, sir."

"Thank you, sergeant, I was thinking of getting in touch with my 'inner pegasus' and jumping off the side of the mountain," Armor said. "Why are they making this so difficult?"

"I think they're trying to make it impossible, sir," Milestone said.

Armor glared at him, but kept walking.
------------------------------

Celestia sat in her day room and went over papers. She was not ready to face the court again, and she did not want to be present while Captain Armor and his team completed their interviews.

She'd had a very unpleasant meeting with Fleur Dis Lee of all ponies, who'd accused her of 'going hard on him just because everyone knew he was her lover.' She'd been shocked at the accusation, as much as that a human had been described as her lover, instead of a sex toy or plaything or the other euphemisms for coupling with a human.

The knock on the door broke her concentration on more morbid subjects. "Enter."

Captain Armor arrived, saluted, and stood awaiting orders. He looked tired. Not asleep on his feet but long drawn out tired from too much to do for too long.

"Your report?" she asked, wishing she could apologize for putting him in this position.

But I can hardly expect him to be happy about this. Neither can I honestly file the charges myself, she thought, The evidence must come from someone else besides the crown.

"Your Majesty, I have completed the first portion of my interviews, but I suspect that what is later revealed will alter nothing from what I have already gleaned."

"Yes, Captain?"

"According to Fancy Pants, Prince Blueblood, Fleur Dis Lee, Ministers Brown Chief, Sir Eagle Bell, Moon City, Benevolent Warrior and Furniture Maker, as well as Princess Luna herself," Armor said. He took a deep breath and for a moment the composure cracked to reveal the frustration beneath.

He seems to be drawing this out, Celestia thought, That's not Armor's style. Perhaps I should have assigned another officer.

"Percy evidently slaughtered the entire royal court, including ourselves and perhaps the entire city of Canterlot."

Celestia stared at him. "He what?"

"None of the aforementioned ponies remember the Battery against the Princess, and concluded that it was not Battery, but mass murder, since they all are together," Armor said, "The other possibility they concluded was that I was overwrought and due for vacation."

Celestia blinked at him. "Captain, have you been drinking?"

"Your Majesty, I wish I had. None of them remember the events, and therefore none of them would be admissible as witnesses."

"But under oath . . . " Celestia said.

"They would only have to affirm their right to not incriminate themselves and their testimony would automatically become tainted even if they were compelled to testify as hostile witnesses," Armor said, "With her Highness' permission. I'm going to go lie down."

"I think that is an excellent idea," Celestia said, "I think I may get a stiff drink and take a nap myself."

Armor saluted and trudged away. Once the door closed, Celestia pulled a bottle of raspberry schnapps and considered pouring a double into her tea, then but took a stiff drink from the bottle.