A Royal Pain

By Alaborn

Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.

Chapter 6: A Royal Menace

Prince Blueblood heard a click from the front door of the library. The moment he had been dreading had arrived. Twilight Sparkle had returned. He set down the book he was reading and looked to the door.

Twilight Sparkle arrived, carrying only her saddlebags. She was alone; not even Spike was with her. “Welcome back, Twilight Sparkle,” he greeted her.

“Thank you, Prince Blueblood,” she replied evenly. He steeled himself, waiting for the other horseshoe to drop. “I’d like to apologize for my reaction two days ago.”

“What?” he sputtered. “I thought I did something unforgivable.”

“You did, and I’m not forgiving you,” she replied. Blueblood frowned. “But I let my emotions get the better of me. I overreacted. What I did was not something a princess should have done.”

“You are only equine. What I did was terrible, I know.”

“I mean, what if I had reacted like that to a provocation from an ambassador? I could have hurt all of Equestria! What if this was a test from Princess Celestia? I failed. I must have failed!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve always been Princess Celestia’s favorite,” Blueblood stated.

The library fell silent, and Blueblood could feel Twilight Sparkle’s eyes boring into him. A furious expression grew on her face, fortunately without her body releasing raw magical energy. But even without her aura, that look frightened him. “Princess Celestia loves all her little ponies,” she hissed.

“She does,” he replied meekly. He stood up and backed away. “You must be tired, and I don’t want to get in the way of your unpacking. My report is on your desk, when you’re ready to read it. I’ll be in my room.”

Twilight Sparkle didn’t pursue Blueblood. It looked like she was trying to calm herself down, and he took the opportunity to strategically withdraw from that battle. But that just meant more waiting, more dread of their next encounter. He tried reading a book, but couldn’t keep focus on it long enough to even read a page. He crawled onto his bed, pulling a pillow over his head.

Some time later, he heard a knock on the door. “Prince Blueblood, may I talk to you?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Of course. Come in,” he replied.

The door opened, and Twilight Sparkle entered, carrying what Blueblood recognized to be his report in her magical aura. “I read your report,” she said. “Is this truly how you feel?”

“Yes. This can’t possibly be a surprise,” he replied.

“Actually, I thought you were capable of handling it. The changeling invasion didn’t faze you.”

“Securing my estate and marshaling my personal guard in time of national emergency is something I’ve trained for. This is entirely different.”

“Why is it different?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Because, well... because it is!” Blueblood sputtered. “I can’t deal with a foal!”

“Plenty of ponies find themselves pregnant each year. For many, it is a surprise. They adjust, and handle the change a lot better than you. That includes a few mares you’ve known, I suspect.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” Blueblood countered. Twilight Sparkle just looked him in the eye. “Okay, maybe it has something to do with it. But I can’t simply acknowledge a foal. Even if it’s entirely ceremonial now, the title Prince of the Unicorns is still perceived as important. It’s supposed to go to my foal born of a union that’s as much political as familial. This, this,” he said, pointing to his abdomen in emphasis, “is a problem that you just can’t understand.”

“Princess Celestia understands,” Twilight Sparkle said. “She sent you here. I’m sure the rumors will still float around Canterlot, but they’ll just sound unbelievable. And if you can’t have an heir, there are a lot of ponies who would be glad to have a foal of their own. Adoption, Prince Blueblood. Think about it.”

“It’s hard not to think about it,” he said. “I’m having strange dreams. I can’t fit into my jackets. My hooves ache, and my pasterns are swollen. And I’m not even halfway done with this horror.”

Twilight Sparkle thought for a moment. “I can’t help you accept your situation, except to be there to listen to you. But these symptoms I can help you with. Willow bark tea will help with the aches, chamomile will help you sleep, and you can get your clothes altered. We do have a remarkable fashion designer in Ponyville. Just be ready to apologize.”

“Apologize? For what?”

“I think you should figure that out on your own.”

Twilight Sparkle’s cryptic statement irritated Prince Blueblood. Even spending the night thinking about it didn’t help. From all his interactions with her, he gathered that she held a radically different view of life, despite being born into minor nobility and raised into the ranks of actual nobility. And knowing that he was going to be visiting a place called Carousel Boutique didn’t help. The name was familiar to him, fashions that were favored by younger and more daring members of the Canterlot elite. He didn’t expect the designer to be living in Ponyville.

Blueblood discovered the name to be quite literal as he found the carousel-shaped building, another one of the architectural monstrosities that beset the town. He pushed open the door; a small bell chimed.

A mare called to him. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique, and... YOU!” The attractive unicorn was scowling at him with an anger that rivaled Twilight Sparkle’s. What in the world would inspire such a reaction to his noble being?

Then it dawned on him. Rarity. From that disastrous Grand Galloping Gala. “Oh, dear,” he whispered.

“How could you think you could show your face in here?” Rarity harrumphed. “The nerve of some ponies!”

“I’m here because I need the services of a seamstress,” Blueblood said. “And to apologize,” he added quietly.

He wasn’t quiet enough. “Do you think an apology is going to make up for ruining my gala?” Rarity said.

“Oh, you mean the gala ruined by you and your friends?” Blueblood countered.

“Oh, sure, blame me. I’m the entire reason you acted like a pompous ass. If you weren’t interested in my company, all you had to do was say something!”

Blueblood opened his mouth to retort. His response was an obvious one. Commoners simply don’t consort with nobles. Not that it ever stopped the many mares, and occasional stallion, who tried to win his notice. His dismissive behavior should have made that obvious. He simply didn’t have time to do otherwise.

But instead, he said something different. “You’re right. I never deserved your attention in the first place.”

Rarity looked ready to continue her rant, but all she could utter was an “Oh.”

“Please, continue to give Equestria the gift of your generosity. I don’t deserve it. All I’m asking today is to be just another customer.”

The boutique was silent for a minute. “I suppose I could do that,” Rarity finally said. “I shan’t turn down a customer with a fashion emergency. Now, how can I help you?”

“I need to get some clothes let out,” he admitted. “I, uh, have been eating too many hay fries.”

Rarity inspected Blueblood, noticing the strain his form was placing on his jacket. “I can see that. Now, take off your jacket, step up, and let’s get you measured.”

Blueblood stood quietly as Rarity took his measurements. She worked efficiently, the tape measure rapidly moving across his body. “Well, this shouldn’t take long,” Rarity said. “It’s a simple alteration, not much different from....” She paused and tittered. “But that’s just silly.”

“Yes, of course,” he replied neutrally. Yes, I know I need maternity clothes, he thought.

Blueblood wandered around the shop as Rarity worked on his clothes. Most of the ponyquins held dresses, ranging from the casually elegant to the utterly frivolous. Many wouldn’t be out of place at a Canterlot social event. He preferred not to think about dresses at this time.

Over in the back room of the shop, hidden from easy view, Blueblood noticed a curious creation. It was a rather unattractive overcoat, plaid in color and probably made of some low grade material, but it had one important feature. It was long, and would hang at least to his knees.

“How much for that overcoat?” Blueblood asked.

“Hmm?” Rarity replied, looking up from her work. She followed Blueblood’s gaze, and when she saw the garment, her eye twitched. “You can’t possibly be serious. That’s a lumberjack’s coat. The only reason to buy such a hideous thing is to protect you from the elements.”

“You don’t look happy to have made it.”

“Well, we do have a number of loggers in Ponyville, and if they need clothes, I’m happy to provide them.”

“I need a coat like that. I will be outdoors during the coldest months of winter, and as you can see, the jackets I brought aren’t good at keeping me warm,” Blueblood explained.

“I’m afraid that coat is spoken for. And if you want to purchase an overcoat, at least let me make one out of higher quality material.”

Blueblood smiled. “I think that is quite fair, milady. I look forward to seeing your work.”

Prince Blueblood sat at the kitchen table. He idly stirred a cup of tea, watching the patterns in the cup. A half-eaten plate of pancakes rested before him, forgotten.

“What’s bothering you, Prince Blueblood?” Twilight Sparkle asked him.

“I had another one of those weird dreams,” he replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s frightening, in a way. It’s not a nightmare, but in these dreams, I’m seeing myself living a life that’s not my own, a parent and docile mare. It’s like we talked about earlier. It’s not my life, and what bothers me the most is that in these dreams, I’ve accepted the situation.”

“I suspect it’s hormones at work,” Twilight Sparkle suggested. “If so, then you have nothing to worry about. The feelings will pass once you’re no longer pregnant.” She paused before continuing. “There’s nothing strange about being a parent, you know. I don’t know why the prospect is bothering you.”

“It’s still a foreign concept.”

“Really? You were a foal once, too. Think about how your parents raised you,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“They were distant. I spent more time with my servants and tutors.”

“Brothers and sisters?”

“I’m an only child,” Blueblood stated.

“You must have interacted with foals sometime,” Twilight Sparkle said. Blueblood shook his head. “Really? No relatives, cousins maybe?”

“I have some, but during formal gatherings, foals are seen, but not heard.”

“You’re not making this easy, Blueblood. I think that if you interacted more with foals, the prospect of having one of your own wouldn’t bother your subconscious so much. But I’m not sure the best way to handle that.”

“If you come up with something, let me know,” Blueblood said. “Anyway, it’s time for work.” He finished his cold pancakes before levitating the plate into the sink.

When Prince Blueblood returned home that evening, Twilight Sparkle had a big smile on her face. It wasn’t a normal expression of joy. Something about that smile was unsettling. “I have the perfect idea!” she exclaimed.

“Idea for what?” Blueblood asked.

“How to make you more comfortable about foals! I found a family willing to help you. You’re going to be a foalsitter!”

“You can’t possibly be serious,” Blueblood intoned.

There was that unnerving smile again. “I am serious. You need to learn to see foals as ponies like you or me, only younger. This is only for one night, and it’s an older filly, so you don’t need to worry about diapers or bottles. And before you object and call that an unseemly task for a prince, I’ll remind you that Princess Cadance spoke highly of her time as a foalsitter.”

“Yes, but I am not Princess Cadance.”

“And I’m sure Shining Armor is eternally grateful for that. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want you to try your hoof at foalsitting. Just try it once, and see how it goes.”

Blueblood stared at Twilight Sparkle. He scowled, but it didn’t change her cheery expression. “You’re really not going to give up this idea, are you?” he finally asked.

“No. And you’ll do fine. It’s one of Ponyville’s most prominent families, and the filly is like you in so many ways.”

Blueblood gulped.

Prince Blueblood sighed as he walked up Melody Lane. He had been here once before, when he was surveying the property lines, but this was the first time he really looked at the street. A divided flagstone street, lined with perfectly trimmed trees, Melody Lane was a passable imitation of a classic Canterlot boulevard. The stately mansions were set well back from the street, protected from view by large hedges and blocked off by wrought iron fences. His target was the first mansion on the right.

Blueblood rang the bell. He was surprised when the door was answered not by a butler, but by an older earth pony stallion he recognized as Filthy Rich. “A good evening to you, Prince Blueblood,” he greeted him. “Please, do come in.”

He entered, surveying a mansion that, much like the street outside, imitated the finest in Canterlot. But was simply impossible to duplicate the refinement of a distinguished family estate in a town less than a century old. “Thank you for the invitation. But where is the filly? Where is everypony?”

“I have granted the staff the evening off. I, myself, will soon be departing; business calls, and I need to catch the late train to Canterlot. And as for your charge this evening....” Filthy Rich cleared his throat. “Diamond Tiara, you come out and greet your foalsitter,” he called.

“I don’t need a stupid foalsitter!” a filly’s voice yelled from upstairs.

“If you don’t want me to reconsider the length of your grounding, you will come down here right now,” he stated.

Hooffalls, far heavier than those that would be generated by a happy filly, announced the appearance of Blueblood’s charge. The pink filly with a violet and white mane continued to stomp as she came down the stairs. She wore a gaudy tiara, like some beauty pageant winner, and curiously, carried a small basket on her back. She scowled at Blueblood.

“Prince Blueblood, this is my daughter, Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara, please introduce yourself to your foalsitter.”

“I told you, I’m too old for a foalsitter! I have my cutie mark!”

Filthy Rich looked his daughter in the eye. “I agree that a filly your age should be mature enough to spend the night without a foalsitter. You, however, were caught insulting the sister of one of my company’s most important suppliers, after I have explicitly told you, many times, not to do so. Therefore, you are clearly not mature enough to be on your own this evening. Now, I believe I asked you to introduce yourself.”

Diamond Tiara turned to face Blueblood. “My name is Diamond Tiara. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” she said with a stilted formality.

“Charmed,” Blueblood deadpanned.

“As you have certainly gathered by now, Prince Blueblood, my daughter is grounded,” Filthy Rich said. “She is confined to the house, may not play her phonograph, and in no circumstances is she allowed visitors. The original plan was for her to stay with her friend, Silver Spoon, who lives at the end of the street. But that’s not happening now. I’d like to thank you for being willing to watch my precious little Diamond on such short notice.”

“Anything to help,” Blueblood said.

“A guest room has been set up for you; ask Diamond Tiara to show you where. Feel free to make use of any of the facilities while you’re here, Prince Blueblood. There are meals in the icebox, but my pantry is open to you if you’d prefer something else. My staff will return to duty tomorrow at noon, at which time you’re free to leave. Do you have any questions?”

“No,” Blueblood replied.

“Excellent.” Filthy Rich gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead; she squirmed in embarrassment. “Be good now,” he told her.

“Dad!”

“Have a good evening, Prince Blueblood.” Filthy Rich picked up a small traveling case and headed out the door. That left Blueblood staring awkwardly at the filly. He finally got a look at the basket she was carrying.

“So why are you carrying around an egg in a basket?” he asked her.

“Stupid school project. Miss Cheerilee is forcing us to carry around an egg and care for it like an infant,” she explained.

“Really. Your school does that?” Blueblood was sure that only happened in the plot of a bad young adult fiction story.

“Yeah. So now I’m stuck carrying Eggbert with me everywhere.”

“Wait. You named your egg?” Blueblood asked incredulously.

Diamond Tiara looked at him, wide-eyed. She shook her head. “No! I mean, never mind that! So why are you here?” she asked.

Blueblood decided to let her get away with changing the subject. “I’m your foalsitter,” he replied.

“No, why are you really here? You’ve never foalsat before, right?”

“That wasn’t hard to guess,” he replied. She does have some talent at reading ponies, he thought.

“You still haven’t said why.”

“Fine. Twilight Sparkle strongly suggested I try my hoof at foalsitting. I think she wants me to develop my softer side.” Blueblood gauged Diamond Tiara’s response. She didn’t appear to notice his smooth transition from an honest answer to an obfuscatory response. “Now why were you grounded?”

“I got grounded for telling the truth. It’s not fair!” she whined.

“Go on,” Blueblood said. He had explained something, so she would be likely to give an explanation in exchange.

“All I did was call Apple Bloom a talentless blank flank. And that’s absolutely true! She is a blank flank, so that means she has no talent.”

“Doesn’t seem worth it to me,” Blueblood said. “Had you held your tongue, you could be with your friend. Instead, you’re stuck with me.”

“Correction: I’m stuck here, but I’m not staying with you. I’m going to my room.” Diamond Tiara turned and trudged up the stairs.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Blueblood said to himself.

Blueblood took some time to explore the mansion. It wasn’t hard to figure out the layout; for all any noble would claim about the uniqueness of his or her home, they were largely similar. The ballroom was noticeably smaller than a typical Canterlot mansion, but then again, there were considerably fewer ponies to entertain in Ponyville.

Blueblood was most grateful to discover that Filthy Rich had an indoor pool next to the exercise room on the lower level. The pool and facilities were well-maintained, though he suspected they weren’t used as often as the larger outdoor pool he spotted through the windows. Taking his host at his word, he decided to go swimming. With each lap, he burned away the frustration of dealing with an annoying filly. Strangely, he barely got any feeling from the seapony magic he was sharing. He wondered if it reacted differently in an artificial pool compared to a natural body of water.

After toweling off and dressing, Blueblood felt rejuvenated. He grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and listened. The house was quiet. “Diamond Tiara?” he called.

Last he saw, the filly was in her room. He headed upstairs. Finding her room wasn’t a problem; the cutie mark emblazoned on one of the doors gave it away. The door was open a crack, and the room beyond was dark.

“Diamond Tiara?” he whispered. When she didn’t respond, he peeked in. Even in the darkness, it was obviously a rich filly’s room, all pinks and purples and excessively frilly. A pony-sized lump was tucked into a large bed.

Blueblood frowned. He may not know much about foals, but there was no way any filly would be in bed that early. He illuminated his horn, focusing light on the bed, and clearly saw the pillows tucked under the covers.

“Now where did she go?” he asked himself. He had a reasonably good guess that she was doing something she wasn’t allowed to. She probably slipped out of the room using the narrow corridors the servants used to move about the house out of sight. Celestia knows how often he did that as a colt!

Blueblood thought about a spell Twilight Sparkle helped him learn, a basic spell to detect the presence of ponies. Using that spell would certainly beat searching the mansion room by room. It took five minutes before he sensed the presence of another pony. In fact, he sensed two. The prince followed the pull of his horn to a distant corner of the mansion, stopping in front of a closed door. He guessed the room beyond was a study or reading room. He listened at the door. At first he thought the spell was wrong, but then he heard the sound of whispering ponies.

Quietly, Blueblood pushed the door open with his magic and stepped into the room. The two fillies in the room looked up at him in surprise. He didn’t catch them doing anything unusual; Diamond Tiara was reading a fashion magazine while her friend, a bespectacled gray earth pony filly, was braiding Diamond Tiara’s mane. The other filly still looked like she had been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar, but Diamond Tiara’s expression turned defiant.

“I think that’s enough, Diamond Tiara. Send your friend home, and perhaps I won’t mention this to your father,” Blueblood said.

“No,” Diamond Tiara replied forcefully.

“What?” Blueblood exclaimed. Ponies don’t say no to me.

“You heard me. I don’t have to listen to a fat freak like you.”

“I’m not fat!” Blueblood countered. “I’m... I’m big-boned.” Ugh. Did I really say that?

Diamond Tiara looked at her friend. “Oh, yeah, he sure does have a big stomach bone!” The two fillies tittered.

“This isn’t going to make you look good to your father, Diamond Tiara,” Blueblood said.

“So what are you going to do about it? Be a big tattletale?”

Blueblood scoffed. “My little Diamond Tiara. I am a grown pony. Grown ponies never tattle. Rather, we have other terms. Monitor. Inspector. Informant. Spy. Or even surveyor, my own special talent, at least when I’m not cultivating my own network of informants. And who do you think I care more about? Your father, one of the most important businessponies in Equestria, or some snot-nosed little filly?”

Blueblood saw Diamond Tiara’s defiance waver. He quickly judged the situation. The other filly was certainly her friend Silver Spoon, and Diamond Tiara likely cared about her. That suggested his next feint. “Now, who I really feel sorry for is Silver Spoon here.” He looked the other filly in the eye. “Some friend you have, willing to let you join her in getting punished rather than face the consequences of her actions. How many other times has she done that to you?”

“Don’t listen to him!” Diamond Tiara ordered. “We’ll cover for each other.”

“Oh, I’m sure that will work,” Blueblood replied sarcastically. “Well, I suppose you win. I don’t want to drag you out by the tail, Silver Spoon. So you can stay.” He took a seat in the study.

“Go away,” Diamond Tiara hissed.

“Oh, but I can’t,” Blueblood said. “Your father is so very worried about his precious little Diamond, so I need to watch you all evening.” He smiled as he noticed Diamond Tiara wince. “Does your father call you his precious little Diamond every day? Oh, I know, I bet he sings it to you.”

Diamond Tiara stared at Blueblood with murder in her eyes.

Blueblood smiled and started singing in a ridiculous falsetto. “Precious little Diamond, I leave it all to you. Ooh, precious little Diamond....”

“Just shut up!” Diamond Tiara screamed. She turned to her friend. “Let’s go. I’m sorry our evening had to be ruined by this moron,” she grumbled.

“Then let me escort you to the door, ladies.”

Blueblood followed the two fillies, making sure Silver Spoon did actually leave. He felt rejuvenated every time Diamond Tiara glared at him. Diamond Tiara whispered her goodbyes to Silver Spoon and closed the door. Once again alone, she turned to see Blueblood smiling smugly.

“You were right to give up, you know,” Blueblood said. “You have no chance to beat me.”

“You’re old! What do you know about making fun of somepony?”

“Please. I attended the most exclusive boarding schools in Equestria. I learned from the best.” He adjusted his jacket. “Now, there’s the reason I came looking for you in the first place. Would you kindly point me to my room?”

“Fine,” Diamond Tiara grumbled. She silently led Blueblood across the mansion and up the stairs. They passed Diamond Tiara’s room and stopped at a door four rooms down.

Diamond Tiara pushed the door open and stepped in to turn on the light. “Here you go,” she said.

Blueblood stepped into the room. It was a typical mansion guest room, finely furnished but with no sense of individual style. Sliding doors along one wall no doubt concealed a closet, and a single door in back surely led to a private bathroom.

Blueblood caught his reflection in a large vanity mirror, seeing his increased girth on full display. I really am a fat freak, he thought. With every day that passed, it would be harder and harder to conceal the freak part of that expression.

Eventually, Prince Blueblood realized he had been staring at his reflection to far too long. He returned to his confident expression, proudly strode out of the room, and immediately introduced his face to the marble floor of the hallway.

From the doorway of her own room, Diamond Tiara pointed and laughed. “Looks like the foalsitter is a dumb clumsy oaf too!”

Blueblood growled and tried to get on his hooves. He stumbled again, and finally realized his foreleg was tangled in a string, tied at fetlock level across the doorway. Diamond Tiara must have stepped on the string to allow him to enter the room without tripping. He concentrated, and with a simple burst of telekinesis, shredded the string. He got up and proudly walked past Diamond Tiara, letting the shredded string drop in her mane. “Well, I think it’s time for dinner. You’d better clean yourself up, Diamond Tiara. Your mane is a mess!”

Prince Blueblood rummaged through the enchanted icebox. It was well-stocked with essentials; butter and eggs, milk and juices, fresh fruits and vegetables, flowers and herbs filled its shelves. A large bowl with a cold noodle dish looked to be the dinner prepared by the kitchen staff before departing. Blueblood’s nose picked up the aromas of garlic and chili and rice wine vinegar.

He brought the bowl of noodles to the small table in the breakfast nook, along with plates and utensils. He sniffed when he couldn’t find proper unicorn silverware, only the broad utensils favored by earth ponies. To add to the main course, he assembled a simple salad, and grabbed an assortment of fruits and pastries out of the icebox.

Diamond Tiara joined him shortly thereafter, her mane freshly brushed and free of errant shreds of string. She frowned as she noticed the spread. “You’re going to eat all of this?”

“Actually, I brought it out for you. You’re a growing filly, and need to eat, so you won’t look so scrawny.”

She stopped in the middle of reaching for the bowl of noodles. “What?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll get there eventually. With a proper diet, you might even develop a normal level of earth pony strength one day.”

“Whatever. I don’t need your concern.” Diamond Tiara ignored Blueblood and focused on dinner. He smiled as she loaded her plate with an extra large portion of noodles.

The two ponies ate, with Blueblood grateful for the silence. Sure, the meal was nothing special, but it was the kind of food he favored on the rare occasions when he didn’t want to deal with other ponies. And he was in no mood to deal with Diamond Tiara. His interaction with her was limited to encouraging her to take more food, including a second helping of salad and several more of the delicious cream-filled pastries.

Diamond Tiara stifled a yawn near the end of the meal. He pushed the plate of desserts to her. “Do you want any more?” he offered. “If not, I’ll handle the cleanup.”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled. “I’m just going to head to my room.”

After Diamond Tiara left, Blueblood took the dirty dishes and placed them in the sink. That much was simple courtesy, but there were some jobs he wouldn’t lower himself to do. He cast a quick spell to confirm that Diamond Tiara did go to her room. That left a quiet house and the rest of the evening to relax.

Blueblood eventually settled into the library, and selected a thick book on economic theory to entertain him. He read until late, only stopping occasionally to confirm that Diamond Tiara wasn’t making mischief. When his eyelids started feeling heavy, he returned to his guest quarters.

As Blueblood readied himself for bed, he mused on his experience with the pink menace. She seemed an eager student of the politics of the rich and powerful, even getting in a dig that made him think twice. But he uncovered her weakness easily, and Diamond Tiara sent Silver Spoon home herself. He convinced her that her father’s good graces was important to him, when in truth nopony in Canterlot cared much about common businessponies. He also played on her sense of self-doubt, tricking her into eating more than she otherwise would have. And from there, simple physiology kicked in. The large meal left her lethargic, and less prone to causing trouble. All in all, it was a victory, even if against a less than worthy foe.

Blueblood slipped between the sheets. The space under the covers felt tight and constricting. The sensation triggered a primal fear of being trapped, and Blueblood frantically scrambled out of the bed. Once he calmed down, he inspected the bed.

Diamond Tiara had short-sheeted the bed.

Oh, how she would pay come morning.

Blueblood arose early. He made a brief check on the sleeping Diamond Tiara as a necessary first step to the day's plan. From there, he enjoyed a brisk swim, showered, dressed, and headed to the kitchen.

By the time Diamond Tiara woke up and headed downstairs, Blueblood was in the middle of making breakfast. The filly didn’t look particularly awake, but she was ready with her insulting tone. “You can cook?” she scoffed.

“No, not really,” he answered honestly. “I have chefs to handle meals. But your chef is on vacation, and since I don’t want to eat cold cereal, I’m cooking something that’s hard to screw up.”

“So what are you cooking?”

“Prench toast,” Blueblood said. “The first batch is ready.” He levitated over a plate.

Diamond Tiara took a bite. “You still screwed it up. It’s totally bland. Main Dish mixes in cinnamon and vanilla before dipping the bread.”

“Well excuse me for being nice,” Blueblood sneered. “If you don’t want it, there’s some dry oats in the pantry.”

Diamond Tiara liberally dosed her dish with maple syrup. “I’ll live.”

Blueblood cooked two more slices of Prench toast and joined Diamond Tiara at the table. They ate in silence. A bored Diamond Tiara chewed her food and glanced around the kitchen. Blueblood smiled. It was only a matter of time until she noticed....

“Eggbert!” Diamond Tiara gasped. “What did you do?” she hissed.

Blueblood adopted a perfectly innocent expression as he looked back at the now-empty basket Diamond Tiara had been caring for. “Oh, dear. Did I use your special egg by mistake? I must have. All I wanted to do was make breakfast for you. But, oh, what can you expect from a dumb clumsy oaf like me?”

“I’m going to fail that stupid assignment! What are you going to do about it?”

“Me? I’m going to leave this afternoon, with my job complete. You? Well, you do appear to be in a sticky situation, now don’t you?” He nonchalantly inspected his hoof.

Diamond Tiara scowled. “You want a sticky situation?”

Blueblood looked up just in time to see something flying at his face. He tried to duck, but it collided. He felt something sticky on his face and in his mane. He smelled that it was maple syrup. He gasped as he saw the sticky substance on his expensive jacket, ruining it.

“You do NOT do that to me,” Blueblood hissed. Before he even realized he was doing it, he levitated the mixing bowl over Diamond Tiara’s head and poured the leftover milk and egg mixture over her.

A pissed Diamond Tiara stood up and pressed her forelegs on the edge of the table. Blueblood got to see that the filly did indeed have earth pony strength as she flipped the table. Plates and silverware flew everywhere as the table collided with his muzzle. Blueblood grabbed the first thing he saw, the skillet, and returned fire.

That day, the Rich Manor knew war. Emotions and frustrations exploding provided the casus belli. The kitchen was the battleground. The pantry and icebox provided ammunition. The center island, stove, and overturned table provided defensive positions. It was a brutal battle, fought over inches of tile in the contested battlefield. To the warriors, it passed in the blink of an eye. Once fatigue overtook them and they collapsed, panting heavily, they were sure that hours had passed. But the clock, miraculously untouched by the chaos, showed fewer than ten minutes had gone by.

They gazed in horror and morbid fascination at what they had accomplished. Every piece of furniture not attached to the floor was overturned or broken. There were dents in the oven door and cracks in the center island. The hanging rack of neatly arranged pots, utensils, and glasses was now empty, its contents scattered around the kitchen. The floor was covered with syrup, milk, eggs, bits of dried noodles, and the residue of a dozen broken spice bottles.

“I think we went too far,” Blueblood said. Diamond Tiara, still staring wide-eyed at the catastrophe, could only nod in agreement.

“Daddy’s going to ground me again,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Twilight Sparkle’s going to banish me to the moon.”

“Randolph’s going to give me that disappointed look again.”

“Who?” Blueblood asked.

“Our butler,” Diamond Tiara replied.

“You’re worried about what he thinks?”

“He’s always been there for me, and will help me with anything I ask him.”

“I remember a time when I was close to my family’s butler,” Blueblood recalled. “I was around your age, I think.”

Diamond Tiara pawed the mess on the floor, a sorrowful expression on her face. Blueblood actually started to feel sorry for her. “You know, if we work together, we can fix the worst of this,” he offered. “Let’s start by fixing the table.”

Diamond Tiara lifted her head and smiled.

Together, Prince Blueblood and Diamond Tiara faced the monumental task of cleaning up the results of their battle. Some time later, they were on their knees, trying to scrub away a particularly fiendish combination of dried egg and syrup from the floor, when the door to the kitchen opened. She jumped to her hooves. “Randolph! You’re back early!”

“A particularly important visitor requested an audience, but with you, Prince Blueblood,” Randolph said. “Announcing Her Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

This time, it was Blueblood who jumped to his hooves. Twilight Sparkle entered the kitchen, looking over the damage with a bemused expression on her face. “Is that syrup and eggshells in your mane?”

“I’m sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle. I guess I’m not cut out to be a foalsitter,” Blueblood said.

“Actually, I was expecting worse,” she replied. “Let’s talk back at the library. Although you probably want to bathe first.”

“I will prepare a bath,” Randolph said.

Blueblood returned to the kitchen once he cleaned up. Twilight Sparkle must have worked some powerful magic in his absence, as the physical damage to the furniture and fixtures was gone. Diamond Tiara was still working, helping Randolph return pots and glasses to their proper places.

“Ready to go, Blueblood?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Yes,” Blueblood stated firmly. “You take care, Diamond Tiara,” he said.

“You too,” she replied. Blueblood thought she might actually have meant it.

They departed and headed home. Blueblood steeled himself for the worst, but Twilight Sparkle didn’t say anything. Walking down the street, with the young alicorn smiling, was too much for Blueblood. “Aren’t you going to yell at me?” he asked.

“Oh, not at all. I was expecting the damage you two caused to be visible from the street. So you did a lot better than I expected.”

“You were expecting this?”

Twilight Sparkle smiled. “You were right about one thing, Blueblood. Assigning you a book report was a stupid way of punishing you for violating my trust. After some thought, I came up with a much better solution, forcing you to spend a day in the company of Diamond Tiara. After all, I did say the filly was like you in many ways. I talked it over with Filthy Rich, and once I agreed to use my fix-it spell if needed, he was on board with showing his daughter what lay at the end of the path she was on.”

Blueblood was rather perturbed to hear Twilight Sparkle say that, but decided it was not worth arguing about. “I think she learned something from her time together,” he said.

“And I hope you learned your lesson, too.”

“I have indeed. I learned that I do not want a filly.”

Author's Notes:

I knew this chapter was going to be a longer one. I'm glad that I didn't finish it earlier, because the most recent episode had a few details about Diamond Tiara that I could work into this chapter!