A Royal Pain

By Alaborn

Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.

Chapter 2: A Royal Mess

Prince Blueblood surveyed his surroundings. The royal carriage dropped him right in the middle of Ponyville, its odd mismatched buildings surrounding him. He was right next to a giant tree that had somehow been transformed into a residence. He took a step back to get a better look, and felt his hoof sink into a puddle of mud.

“Ew,” he muttered as he inspected his hoof. The mud had seeped in between his horseshoe and his hoof. That would make walking uncomfortable once it dried. Where were the paved roads, like any civilized city had?

The door to the tree house opened, and out stepped what counted for royalty in this backwater town Princess Twilight Sparkle smiled and greeted the prince. He noticed she was alone, without even one servant to open the door, and she was prancing around nude, her royal regalia nowhere to be seen. Prince Blueblood sniffed in disgust.

Twilight Sparkle didn’t notice his reaction. She shook his hoof vigorously; he noticed she was unshod as well. “I’m so excited to have you here, Prince Blueblood. I never thought I’d see an example of seapony incubation, especially so far from the coast! Please, come inside, and let’s get you settled.”

The pegasi who brought Blueblood to Ponyville had finished unloading the carriage. He traveled light, with only six trunks of clothes and one case of jewelry. He wondered what was going to happen, since there were no servants present, but Twilight Sparkle simply picked up all his belongings in her telekinetic aura, effortlessly taking them inside. He had trouble lifting even one of his trunks.

Blueblood took a closer look at Equestria’s newest alicorn. He didn’t see Twilight Sparkle much back when she was a unicorn and just known as Princess Celestia’s personal student; she was notoriously antisocial. He remembered her being noticeably shorter than him, a bit shorter than average for unicorn mares. Now, she stood nearly as tall as him, and she was already beginning to develop that graceful thinness the alicorns were known for.

“Now, I’ve set aside the spare bedroom for you,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Follow me.” He followed the mare and his trunks up the stairs, glancing at the books that lined shelves everywhere within the tree. It wasn’t surprising that she found a residence with as many books as her old quarters in Canterlot.

“You can stay in here... oops!” Blueblood’s trunks knocked over stacks of books as Twilight Sparkle set them down. “Sorry, I’m still reorganizing the library.”

“Excuse me. The library?”

“Yes, you’re in the Golden Oaks library, and also my home. What did you think it was?”

“Well, it does resemble your quarters in Canterlot. I merely assumed that, by now, you would be living in royal quarters suitable for a princess,” Blueblood said.

“But I don’t want everypony bowing and scraping before me. I just want to be friends with everypony and maybe recommend a good book for them,” Twilight Sparkle said. “And speaking of books, I’ve been reading everything I can about seapony magic and their reproductive cycles! I’ve gone through all the books I received from Canterlot, but I’m still waiting for the transfer from the library in Fillydelphia.”

“Why Fillydelphia?” Blueblood asked.

“It’s the closest city to the seapony nation, and it’s where much of the trade happens. Not surprisingly, most of the accounts of pony-seapony reproduction are from Fillydelphia.”

“Oh,” Blueblood said. He really didn’t want to read about the subject; it was bad enough that he was experiencing it against his will. But then a plan formed in his mind. There had to be a way to get rid of this seapony parasite. He just knew Princess Celestia wasn’t telling him everything. So whatever solution existed, it would have to be discovered in books.

And if the answer wasn’t in books, Twilight Sparkle could figure it out. Tell that mare that magic couldn’t accomplish something, and she’d work nonstop to prove you wrong.

But Blueblood was getting ahead of himself. For now, he could see what Twilight Sparkle had already uncovered. “I admit, I don’t remember much from my lessons on seaponies. Academy was years ago.” He didn’t remember anything, actually. “So would you talk with me about what you read?”

“Oh, I have so many books to talk about!” Twilight Sparkle replied eagerly. “Tea?”

“What? Oh, tea? Yes, tea would be wonderful.”

A few minutes later, Blueblood sat with Twilight Sparkle at the plain table in her kitchen, waiting as tea steeped in a teapot. Twilight Sparkle had made the tea herself; even her dragon servant appeared to be absent. He watched as she flipped rapidly through the pages of a book.

“Aha! Here’s an ancient account of seapony birth,” Twilight Sparkle said. She cleared her throat, and began to read.

And then, it comes time to deliver. Following his ancient and primal instincts, the stallion swims, up to the surface, away from any of the seaponies’ predators. He pulls himself onto a barren rock and waits.

The first change occurs in the narrow entrance to the brood pouch, the same opening that accepted the mare’s ovipositor eleven months earlier. As the opening dilates, the stallion experiences contractions, the powerful muscles surrounding the brood pouch working towards the ultimate goal of birth. The labor process can take hours or days, much as is true with pony mares.

Once the foal is born, the stallion licks the foal clean, and then clutches the helpless infant to him, wrapping his tail protectively around the foal. For three weeks, he keeps the foal safe, until she has grown strong enough to swim. From below, the stallion’s family and clan surfaces, bringing fish and sea plants. The stallion chews the offered food until it forms a thin paste, which he then transfers to the waiting mouth of the hungry foal. The stallion endures the harsh conditions of the surface, suffering much pain, in this grand tradition that ensures the survival of the next generation.

Blueblood stared at Twilight Sparkle, mouth agape. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he uttered.

Twilight Sparkle looked at him and laughed. “This? Oh, didn’t you hear me? I said this was an ancient account. Seaponies use hospitals now, just like us. But wasn’t that fascinating?”

Twilight Sparkle couldn’t hear a reply over the sound of Blueblood banging his head on the table.

Prince Blueblood excused himself and turned in early that night. He wasn’t tired; in fact, he rarely went to bed (or, rather, went to sleep) before midnight. But he was bored. He felt boredom seep through every pore until it commanded his body to sprawl lethargically on the uncomfortable bed with its lumpy mattress. He tried to read one of the books Twilight Sparkle had uncovered. It threatened to put him to sleep; the book was written in a dry academic style that reminded him too much of those term papers he was forced to write while a student at the Academy.

He set the book aside and stared at the ceiling. Blueblood thought he would never fall asleep. But he must have, since the next thing he heard was a pounding on the door. “Rise and shine, Prince Blueblood,” a childish voice called.

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and frowned. Celestia’s sun was barely above the horizon. This was not the time a civilized pony should be awake.

“Are you awake in there?” Spike continued.

“I’m awake, by the strictest definition of the word,” Blueblood replied, his eyes resisting all efforts to stay open. “I won’t truly feel awake until after I bathe.”

“Better hurry up with that. Breakfast will be ready in fifteen minutes. There are towels set out for you.”

Blueblood dragged himself out of bed and slowly made his way to the bathroom. The tub was tiny, unadorned, and worst of all, empty. He sighed and turned on the tap.

Following his bath, Blueblood groomed his mane and tail, and then returned to his room. His outfit wasn’t set out for him, so he had to find it in one of his trunks. He eventually found it, put it on, and smoothed out some wrinkles. Then, he picked up his horseshoes in his magical aura, and inspected them.

On a proper morning, his horseshoes would have been cleaned and polished during the night by his servants. Instead, he stared at three dusty horseshoes, and one that was positively filthy, still caked in mud. He sniffed and carried them with him as he headed to the kitchen.

Twilight Sparkle and Spike were in the kitchen. They had empty plates in front of them, dirty with the remnants of whatever breakfast they had. If he had to guess, they had pancakes, the same pancakes that waited for him at the final place setting. This simple peasant food wasn’t even prepared well; the pancakes looked cold.

“It’s a simple cleaning cantrip, Prince Blueblood,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“What?” he replied.

“Your horseshoes. You didn’t attend Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, but still, I know there’s nothing wrong with your magic. It’s a spell you certainly learned as a colt. Use it.”

Blueblood stared at Twilight Sparkle, aghast at the suggestion that he do servant work.

“You wanted to get out of Canterlot,” she continued. “Ponyville is not like Canterlot. The ponies here pride themselves on their self-sufficiency. And so you’ll find that even royalty clean up after themselves. The only reason I don’t cook is that Spike is so much better at it than I am.”

Blueblood responded to Twilight Sparkle’s lecture by simply cleaning his horseshoes. It wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t something worthy of a prince’s time. He then went to fasten them.

“You know, you really don’t need horseshoes in Ponyville. The town’s all dirt roads and wooden floors,” Twilight Sparkle explained.

“I won’t argue about how you want to dress, or not dress, but I for one feel it is important for a pony of my station to be attired appropriately,” Blueblood said.

“Suit yourself,” Twilight Sparkle replied. “But you’ll need to get up earlier if you take that long to get ready.”

“Earlier than this?” Blueblood said.

“Yes. Town Hall opens at nine, but I figured you would want time to meet the mayor and the other employees. And speaking of the time, it’s 8:50 now.”

Blueblood sputtered, and then choked down a cold pancake as he rushed to the door.

Prince Blueblood stepped into Ponyville Town Hall. He walked through the large meeting space to one of the doors at the back of the room. Opening it, he found a small office, with three earth ponies inside. “I’m looking for Mayor Mare,” he announced.

“That would be me,” an older mare with a gray mane replied. “You must be Prince Blueblood. Welcome to Ponyville!”

“Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here,” he lied diplomatically.

“Let me introduce my assistants, Red Tape and Lime Swirl,” the mayor continued.

“A pleasure. And where may I find the surveyor’s office?”

“This is it. All of the town’s management goes through the three of us,” Mayor Mare said.

“That’s it?” Blueblood asked, surprised. There were dozens of ministries and bureaus in Canterlot, each run by a lot more than three ponies.

“It’s a small town. There’s not a lot to keep track of,” she replied. “But that means that some aspects of town management, like surveying, have lacked that professional touch. That is why you’re here, right?”

“Yes,” Blueblood replied confidently. He had had plenty of time to come up with a more detailed version of his cover story. “Due to the growth of Ponyville in recent years, which is only expected to continue, the princesses think it would be good for an accurate map to be established for the town, and plans made for an orderly town development along the lines of common civil engineering practices.”

“What does that even mean?” Lime Swirl asked.

Blueblood paused. What he had said was practically small talk in the government buildings he knew. But this earth pony mare obviously didn’t have the proper training. And judging by her cutie mark, which resembled some form of ice cream confection, she lacked the natural talent as well. He quickly came up with another way to explain the situation. “About three hundred years ago, the road grid for Canterlot was redesigned, creating the broad boulevards the city is now known for. But the change wasn’t done for aesthetics; it was necessary for the city to function, to move goods efficiently to its residents.

“These changes required demolishing a number of buildings. With proper planning, this destruction could have been avoided. So that’s why Ponyville needs a plan. I’d hate to see something happen to your town’s... ugh... ‘quaint’ buildings.”

“That makes sense,” Lime Swirl said. “But why didn’t you talk about something from your own work experience?”

“I am wondering that as well,” Mayor Mare said. “I don’t think of Canterlot as a city that grows a lot. What kind of work do you do?”

“We make plans, of course. Every year, my office establishes a protocol for constructing terraces outside the current walls of Canterlot, and planning neighborhoods there,” Blueblood said.

“But there aren’t any terraced neighborhoods,” Mayor Mare pointed out.

“Of course not. Ruin Canterlot’s pristine views? The nobles would never go for it.”

“That’s a large part of why you’re here,” Mayor Mare said. “It’s so expensive to live in Canterlot that a lot of guardsponies’ families live here.”

“If I may, I suggest we help Prince Blueblood begin his work here,” Red Tape interjected.

“Of course,” Mayor Mare said.

“Follow me, Prince Blueblood. I’ve collected and organized records from the archives.”

Red Tape led Blueblood to another room. A simple desk was overshadowed by stacks of crates.

“Oh, my,” Blueblood said.

“I’ve done my best to organize these records,” Red Tape said. “The crates are placed in chronological order, with the oldest records in front. I understand that in the event of conflicting information, the oldest records will prevail. Fortunately, Ponyville isn’t that old; one of the town’s founding residents is still alive.”

“It still looks like a mess,” Blueblood said. He opened up one of the crates. “Is that... tree bark?”

“Yes, it is. Birch bark was commonly used, as paper was a luxury,” Red Tape explained. “And do be careful. It’s....” He watched as the document in Prince Blueblood’s magical aura tore. “It’s fragile.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Blueblood said.

“It took about forty years for Ponyville to grow large enough to need formal government administration, so I’m afraid you won’t find any standardization in these documents. A pity. You should find the original claim to the lands in the crates. I’m sure you’re familiar with the relevant laws?”

“The Homestead Act of 178 governs the process of building on the Princesses’ lands prior to town incorporation,” Blueblood replied.

“Yes, exactly. Stake your claim, develop the land, and sketch a plot of the land for the record. Don’t take land from your neighbor, avoid the Everfree Forest and the gate to Tartarus, and that’s that. Of course, nopony was thinking of the poor souls who would have to organize the mess decades later.”

“Agreed.”

“I’ve annotated this map of Ponyville,” Red Tape said, motioning to the desk. “Ponyville grew in sections, and I’ve noted which sections of town should be in each crate. It’s not a perfect system, but it should help guide your research.”

“Thank you very much, Red Tape,” Blueblood said, honestly impressed by the stallion’s work.

“My pleasure. And I hope you didn’t find your introduction to our office to be off-putting.”

Prince Blueblood raised an eyebrow.

“Let me apologize if my associate seemed critical of you. Not everypony understands the difficulty of coordinating work across government offices, or appreciates the talents necessary to manage both the work and the workers.”

Blueblood smiled. Now this was a pony he could work with. A shame his talents would go underutilized in Ponyville.

After one day, Prince Blueblood decided that work in Ponyville was vastly inferior to work in Canterlot. Back home, he would begin the day with a meeting with fellow nobles, discussing projects from their individual ministries over delicate pastries and coffee. Then he would review his subordinates’ work, followed by a leisurely lunch with another noble. Much coordination among offices would be accomplished over delectable salads and fine wines. Then came the typical paperwork, and afternoon tea. He would finish off his work, and then prepare for whatever event was transpiring that evening.

In Ponyville, Town Hall had neither coffee nor tea. The lunch options were distinctly subpar; he could still feel the daffodil sandwich and hay fries weighing on his stomach. And evening entertainment? He shuddered to think of what the residents of Ponyville called entertainment.

He trudged back to the library, still not sure what he was going to do that night. But what he saw when he opened the door made him shudder. Princess Twilight Sparkle jumped up, with a huge smile on her face. She reminded him too much of an obnoxious foal awaiting presents on Hearth’s Warming morning. “Great news!” she exclaimed.

“What is it?” he replied. He quickly shut the door to the library, not wanting anypony else to hear.

“I got all the books I was waiting for, and read through them. Now I’m ready!”

Blueblood spotted a fairly large stack of books on a table by the couch. Did she really read all of those in one day? He shook his head, and then remembered what Twilight Sparkle had just said. “Ready? For what?”

The young alicorn picked up a pair of books, several magical crystals, and a long checklist. “To begin studying you!”

“Ugh. What a fine mess this has become,” Blueblood groaned.

Author's Notes:

I see the Canterlot government as something to keep the nobility occupied, making them feel important. Now, Blueblood gets to see what work is like in a town that doesn't have this luxury.

Red Tape is the same bureaucrat seen in Applejack's Bar. He also appears in Chapter 11 of Llyander's Dreams of Flying.

Next time, Twilight Sparkle gets to indulge in her inner mad scientist.