Author's Notes:

And here's an earlier Hearth's Warming Eve present.

It's like Christmas!

Also: It's the WriathWriter Drinking Game!
Every time a character drinks, so do you!

The Lusty Changeling Maid or The Buck?

Crystal Tower Royal Apartment

7:23 AM, Hearth’s Warming Eve

Cadance awoke to a peaceful morning, the sun shining gently on her face. She stirred softly and then yawned, stretching her legs and wings. Finishing her stretch, she paused to softly nuzzle Chrysalis’s still sleeping form. The changeling stirred and mumbled in her sleep but did not wake.

Cadance smiled and carefully slipped out of the bed, not wanting to disturb Chrysalis. She didn’t bother dressing in anything and simply left the bedroom in her fur alone. She might cause a scandal and kill a few ponies via nosebleeds should she leave her house in such a state, but within the protective walls she was free to look as she pleased.

Cadance happily skipped into the kitchen and set about making coffee. It had not escaped her that her husband was not in bed with her that morning, but it was likely he had been called away on guard business during the night and had crashed on the couch upon returning.

Silly Shining, passing out on the couch is for young ponies. Cadance thought with a soft giggle as she heated the coffee on the stove. She could easily have zapped it to boiling hot with magic, but it always seemed to taste better of it was heated over a non-magical flame.

Cadance hummed quietly to herself as she waited for the coffee. “Oh, winter wrap up, winter wrap up. Let’s finish out holiday cheer. Winter wrap up, winter wrap up. Because tomorrow Spring is here, because tomorrow Spring is here.”

Why is that bloody song stuck in my head? Cadance thought as she poured the coffee into two mugs. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve right now. Barely winter. Although, I could do with winter wrapping up right now. It’s bucking cold outside.

Cadance poured the cream into the coffee and stirred thoroughly. She tapped the small spoon on the rim of each mug and then levitated them with her magic. She took a generous sip from one mug, sighing happily. This new cream one of the servants brought her last week was wonderful. Made her feel perky.

She began making her way to Truth’s room, where the changeling maid no doubt lay passed out after a long night of catching up on her shows.

Cadance giggled to herself. The changeling no doubt thought that no one knew what she did late at night, but not much got past Cadance, especially in her own home.

Speaking of which… Cadance thought with an impish grin. Being the Goddess of Love, Cadance was quite attuned to ponies emotions and she had a way of stirring them up. But she was also able to sense certain chemical reactions that happened inside a pony’s body. She could feel certain energies in the air. She could detect the glow a pony had after certain activities….

In short, Cadance knows when you have sex.

(Nice way to get that out there. I’m sure it will never be relevant again…)

“Something tells me somepony got laid last night.” Cadance sang as she opened the door to Truth’s room.

What she did next only counted as singing at a death metal concert.

********

Chrysalis enjoyed sleeping. There were many things the former changeling queen enjoyed, skipping, singing, fighting things, killing things, teabaging things, burning things, blowing up things such as large structures whilst walking away in slow motion. But, if she had to pick her favorite things, she would say they were sex, feeding on emotions, and sleeping. In that order.

However, her sleep was quite suddenly and quite rudely interrupted by the sound of breaking porcelain and a scream worthy of MegaGeth.

(A Mass Effect reference? In my FimFiction.net!?)

Sighing, Chrysalis quickly got out of bed and followed the rapid hyperventilating breaths that followed the scream to their source. Which was Truth’s room, oddly enough.

Brood-Mother only knew what had-

“Oh my.” Chrysalis said as she pushed opened the door and looked upon the scene within.

Cadance stood backed up against a wall, still breathing in rapid gasps, the broken remains of two mugs and their brown liquid contents on the floor in front of her. The alicorn’s gaze was fixed upon Truth’s bed, or rather, its occupants. Truth was there, as was expected as it was her bed. However, it seemed her bedmate was causing quite the stir.

“Shining?” Cadance asked, her voice trembling.

“Cadance?” Shining answered, seemingly puzzled. “What’s wrong?”

“Wha… what-” Cadance gulped hard to try and steady her breathing. “What the buck are you doing in bed with her?”

“Her?” Shining seemed oblivious. He turned and saw Truth. “What? Truth what are you doing here?”

The changeling handmaiden just stared mutely for a few moments before answering in barely a whisper. “This is my bed.”

“Your bed?” Shining tried to make it click in his head, which was muddled and hurting. “But that makes no sense…”

“Shining,” Cadance sounded like she was pleading. “Please tell me the two of you didn’t…” she seemed unable to complete the sentence. “And tell me this is all just a horrible misunderstanding.”

“Well I…” Shining paused and brought a hoof to his chin. “We…” he began again before trailing off. All he could remember from last night was bringing Truth a glass of cider. After that, there was just a big blank. It was almost like a barrier in his mind preventing him from reaching the memories.

“I don’t remember anything.” he said hesitantly after a minute.

“Truth?” Cadance turned her attention to the changeling, sounding just a tad hostile.

“Well, of course we didn’t… you know.” Truth said.

“Are you sure?”

“Well…” Truth trailed off. She couldn’t quite recall the previous night. Shining brought her the cider, they drank and laughed, she went down to the kitchens and…. And what? And why did she smell like ranch dressing and butter cream?

“You can’t remember either?” Cadance sounded angry now. It was her defense mechanism. Whenever she became really stressed, instead of breaking down she got fired up. And it was still a tad broken after the nightmare that was her wedding. “So you two, what? Slipped out back and found some hotel? Got drunk on cheap liquor and shagged each other?”

“Whoa there, Cadance.” Chrysalis said, speaking up for the first time since she entered. “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

Cadance rounded on Chrysalis. “Zip it!” she hissed.

Chrysalis jumped and nearly peed herself.

Cadance rounded on Shining and Truth. “You really have a soft spot for changelings, eh Shining?” she spat.

“Whoa, I have?”

“You let some hag impersonate me without even resisting and then you go and boink her personal bitch!”

“Hey!” Chrysalis and Truth said in unison.

“How could you do this!?”

“This from the mare that had a love affair with the changeling that trapped her in a cave.” Shining said dryly. “No offence.” he quickly added.

Chrysalis sighed. “None taken.” she turned to Cadance. “Listen dear, you’re over reacting. Besides it’s not what you think.”

“And you!” Cadance rounded on Chrysalis. “You’re the one that brought the little gold digger in the first place!”

Chrysalis glanced at Shining. “I’m sorry, but is this something that happens regularly? Cadance has a complete mental breakdown for no reason?”

“I’m not having a mental breakdown!” Cadance shouted.

“Dear.” Chrysalis put a hoof on Cadance’s shoulders. “Calm. Down.”

Cadance roughly pushed Chrysalis’s hooves off her. “I will not calm down!”

Chrysalis tilted her head and tried to get a reading on Cadance’s emotions, but they seemed to be all jumbled and confused. To her Changeling Vision (Trademark), the princess’s emotions were like a psychedelic light show.

“Cadance, honey…” Shining ventured.

Cadance whirled on him again. “You! You no good lying, cheating, couldn’t see a imposter if she danced naked in front if him, poor excuse for a guard! I want a divorce! Out!”

“My Princess…” Truth dared.

Candace shifted her gaze to her next. “You! You husband stealing, backstabbing, lusty changeling of a maid! You’re fired! Out!”

“Pink Ass!” Chrysalis yelled, trying to get through to Cadance.

“And you!” Cadance as she whirled on Chrysalis. “You! …You! ….” she trailed off and scrunched her face in thought. “Fine, I used all my best ones on them! But you too! Out! All of you get out of my country and stay the hell away from anywhere I might go in the future!”

“You’re a diplomat!” Shining, Truth, and Chrysalis yelled in unison. “Where the buck am I supposed to go!”

Cadance scrunched her muzzle again. “I don’t know!” she shouted after a time. “Just get out of my house!”

And with that she disappeared in a teal flash.

Chrysalis, Shining, and Truth all exchanged glances.

“The buck was that?” Chrysalis asked after a long silence.

Shining opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to puzzle out exactly what had just happened. After a short while, he just shrugged.

And then Truth suddenly began crying.

“Truth, what’s wrong?” Shining cried, which was admittedly all he knew to do when a female started crying.

“She- she was so mean!” Truth blubbered through her sobs. “Wh-why would she say such things? I’m a good maid! I would never do anything bad to her or anypony!”

Shining awkwardly tried to hug Truth, but backed off in light of what had just happened. He desperately looked to Chrysalis.

The former queen sighed and trotted over to her bawling handmaiden. “Truth honey, Cadance didn’t really mean that.” she said softly, wrapping a black foreleg around the smaller changeling.

“But she said I was fired! She fired me!” still crying, Truth jumped out of her bed and out of the (thankfully open) window. Her little wings buzzed to keep her aloft as she descended into the twisting mass of towers below, her shape changing even as she flew.

“Truth wait!” Shining cried, extending a hoof towards the window before letting it drop. He promptly dropped his head into his hooves. “I really fucked up this time.”

Chrysalis, amazingly, scoffed. “Please, you didn’t do a thing.”

“I had sex with the maid! I cheated on my wife!”

Chrysalis scoffed again. “You didn’t have sex with Truth, and even if you did, your wife would be, and is, a hypocrite for calling you cheater.”

Shining brought his head from his hooves. “Point taken, but if I didn’t have sex with Truth, then who did I have sex with? Cadance knows when a pony, or most anything really, has had sex. She wouldn’t accuse me of cheating if she didn’t see the after glow aura.”

Chrysalis scrunched her face. “After glow aura?”

“It’s a…” Shining scrunched his face in thought. “Never mind, it’s too complicated to get into. But how could you possibly know I didn’t have sex with Truth.”

“Easy. You had sex with me.”

“I did!?!”

(Oh shit, he broke out the ‘!?!’!)

Chrysalis nodded. “I woke up last night to have a quick midnight snack and saw you sitting there on the couch, glass in hand. And so, I figured why go out when I can make myself a snack.”

“And we…?”

Chrysalis nodded. “Ooo, it really regret not partaking while I was impersonating your fiancée. Of course you seemed a tad out of it, so I decided to perk you up a bit.”

“Listen, this explaining thing really helps, but I’m very confused. Can we just have a flashback so I can see what happened?”

Oh fine.

**********

(Insert harp strumming and cheap ripple effect here.)

Shining Armor, esteemed former captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard, laid on his back on the couch. His back legs were propped up on the forearm rest while his head was in danger of slipping between two of the cushions. He had a loose grip on the cider glass in his hoof and a goofy expression plastered over his face.

“Oh, miss Governor, we really shouldn’t…” he slurred, giggling drunkenly.

“My, my.” said a salacious voice. “Having a few drinks, Captain?”

“Hey, I’m legal.” he slurred, gesturing in the general direction of the voice.

The voice, which sounded like reeds in the wind, chuckled. “I never accused you of not being.”

“Oh, well then, what can I do ya for?”

“Me? Oh, I think this one is going to be on the house.”

“How’s that?” Shining asked, pushing himself up. It should be noted that he not once commented on being indirectly called a prostitute.

“This is how.” the voice said, changing on the last word to a more familiar voice.

To Shining’s surprise, into his rather hazy field of vision walked a certain lilac unicorn. She was wearing a rather lecherous grin and some silky socks. As Shining watched, mute, a good sized peach was levitated up into the mare’s hooves. She took hold of it and bit down into the fruit’s soft skin and tender flesh, its juices spilling over her chin.

“I have the weirdest boner right now.” Shining said as he-

“WHOA! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop the flashback!”

(Insert harp strumming and cheap ripple effect here.)

*******

Chrysalis looked disappointed as the flashback faded. “Aw, and we were just getting to the good part too…”

Shining just stared at the former queen. “Are…” he took a shaky breath. “Are you telling me we… while you looked like my sister?”

Chrysalis smiled. “As much as I would enjoy watching you squirm, no.”

Shining breathed out a breath of relief.

“I did however make myself look like your mother and well… that seemed to get you going.” Chrysalis broke into a fit of giggles.

Shining just stared into space.

Chrysalis got her giggling under control and looked expectantly at the unicorn. “Oh come on, we didn’t actually do that.”

Shining just continued to stare.

“…Shining?” Chrysalis said after a while.

Shining.exe has stopped working. Processing the error.

“Oh dear, not again.”