The Conversion Bureau - Mirror Match

A story loosely set in Blaze’s Conversion Bureau universe, By Silvertie

Chapter 10 - Thrall

“Bed, Bath and Beyond,” I breathed. “Of all the places to hide kidnapped ponies...”

“Slow down, twolegs,” snorted Shield. “Standing upright must be deprive your brain of oxygen. Just because this is the shop where that truck evidently belongs, doesn’t make this our final destination; this... homewares store... is just another lead. How can you tell if we’re in the right place?”

I looked at Shield, and shrugged. We were the only people in the otherwise deserted car park, save for Cake, who loitered nearby in the air, and Ironshod, who was... (ponying?) the truck, ready for a quick getaway if needed.

“Call it a gut feeling,” I guessed. “I mean, this is the most unlikely place to hold a secret base, so it follows that this is where you’d put said secret base, yeah?”

Shield frowned, and Cake looked at him. “Human’s got a point.”

“Okay, fine.” Shield rolled his shoulders, worn armour shifting. “I’ll indulge you.”

“Admit it,” I smiled, “You think this is the place, too. You’re wearing your armour.”

Shield didn’t dignify that with a response, and remained silent as we approached the main doors of Bed, Bath and Beyond, Shield and Cake leading the way. As expected, the greeters responded to me and me alone, just like last time.

[Welcome to Bed, Bath and Beyond, sir.] The greeter droid bowed its’ head to me in greeting. [It is a pleasure to see you again so soon.]

“Again?” Cake asked, suspicious, and I shook my head.

“No, it’s not like that. I was here a few days ago, buying a bed.”

“Right,” Shield snorted. “Pull the other one, it’s got bells on... traitor.”

[What is Sir looking for, exactly?]

“Hmm, what indeed...” I looked at Shield. “I’m looking for ponies.”

“That’s not going to work!” Shield protested.

[Error. No products related to ‘ponies’ in the store,] declined the droid.

“Ha!” Shield said, triumphant. “Told you so, stupid hu-”

[I will attempt to locate ponies in our warehouse. Please do not move from this point.]

The droid bowed, and began to stalk away, towards a door marked as being for ‘Employees Only’. I looked at Cake and Shield, and nodded at the door.

“What are you guys waiting for? Follow him, this is your chance!”

“And let you out of our sight? You’re coming with us,” Shield said, pushing me forward with his head. I stepped forward involuntarily, and flinched when the greeter droid spun around to fix me with a digital glare.

[Sir. Please do not move from this point,] it intoned. [I shall return shortly.]

“See?” I nodded at the retreating droid. “Can’t follow, or he’ll just throw me out.”

“Humph.” Shield tapped a hoof irritably. “Cake, watch this monkey.”

The robot stalked on, and Shield followed with stealth - or what passed for stealth with him, anyway. Against a sentient target, it would have been a joke. But against the robot that was blind to anything not humanoid...

The robot unfolded an arm, and waved the hand at the access panel for the employee-only area. With a beep and a click, the door swung open, and the droid stalked inside. Like a white shadow, Shield followed, and the door sealed behind them. I looked at Cake.

“What’s he planning?” I asked.

Cake just shrugged. “Shield’s got a... direct approach to things. Whatever it is, it’ll be plain and clear.”

A loud crunching sound, and the thumping of steel on concrete filled the air, seeping out from the employee-only door. I grimaced as the faint whine of servos died away, and the door beeped once more.

Shield poked his head out, and waved a disembodied hand at us. “Come on, let’s go.”

Cake and I ran over to the door, and I pulled it open so we could get in; on the other side, in the half-light, lay a body of steel and plastic, chest and head caved in with destructive precision. Sparks fizzled pathetically from what was left of its arm, and Shield just looked at us.

“Now we can go together.”

I sighed, and followed the two ponies once more into the half-lit service corridors of Bed, Bath and Beyond, dusting off my jacket’s sleeve reflexively as I brushed against the wall. I frowned at it.

“Huh. Not very dusty in here,” I remarked.

“You got a thing for dust?” Cake frowned, looking back over his shoulder at me. I chuckled and shook my head.

“Of course not. But... if there’s no dust, it means this place sees a lot of activity.”

“Further reinforcing the theory that this is the place where all the ponies are being taken,” Shield finished, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Please, human. It wouldn’t be that easy. Perhaps this theory of yours involves a door labelled ‘Pony Storage’.”

“Well,” I pointed out, “It does now.”

“This is why we’re turning you... monkeys into ponies!” spluttered Shield, turning around completely. “Morons, the lot of you! You’re everything that’s wrong with the world, and the lowest of the low!”

“Uh, Shield,” Cake nudged the ex-guard in the side, but he ignored it.

“I have never seen creatures so... stupid!” Shield ranted on, “You wage war against yourselves, you backstab and cheat each other on a daily basis, and don’t even get me started on your disgusting... personal habits!”

“Shield!” Cake thumped Shield in the shoulder, and flinched when Shield’s head spun around to glare at him.

“What?!”

“Look!” Cake squeaked, a hoof, pointing down the corridor.

In the wall, very much out of place, was a simple, wooden door, painted red. On it, a small label written in permanent marker stood out.

“Pony Storage,” I read out. “How about that?”

Shield looked... irritated. The grinding of teeth could be heard in the quiet corridor.

“Let’s just go down, shall we?”

======

“Lexicon?” I asked. “What the hell is going on?” I gestured plaintively at  the suited cyborg. “Don’t tell me you’re HLF!”

I stood at the head of a small mob - ex-prisoners, all. I was armoured and armed the best, with body armour and a handgun wedged into my belt, a cattle prod floated near my knee as I held it ready.

Before me, Lexicon - the chrome-plated cyborg who operated Bed, Bath and Beyond... along with his robotic butler, Jeeves. Apparently, he pulled double-duty as an almost cliche villain.

“Human Liberation Front? Me?” A bark of a laugh ripped forth from Lexicon’s vocalizer. “Don’t be absurd. For one, I can’t abide those disorganized, soft rabble-rousers. And another thing! Imagine a unicorn joining the Human Liberation Front! It’d be ridiculous! Treasonous, even!”

“You’re a unicorn?” I took a step back in surprise. “How?”

“Ahh,” Lexicon said, rocking on his feet. “That’s a tale and a half. Suffice to say, my equine body was weak, incapable. Blind, even. I sought to ascend myself, and that’s what I’ve done. As you can see, it’s turned out quite well, and now I seek to bring the gift of the machine form to other ponies as well!”

“You’ve got a twisted idea of how to give gifts,” I snorted. “Kidnapping ponies? My family?”

“Well,” Lexicon said, waving his hand around. “The project has hit a bit of a... hiccup. I’ve designed a simple body that can be mass-produced at minimal cost - a stark contrast to my own body - and it’s even self-sustaining. The problem just lies in getting brains out of the head, and into the body.” Lexicon paced idly around. “See, getting volunteers for what will likely be fatal tests is... hard. Human subjects, no problem. Ponies? They believe they have everything a soul could need, why would they participate?” Lexicon stopped pacing. “Surely, you understand. One must break a few eggs to bake a cake for benefit of all.”

“This is hardly a few eggs,” spoke up Snow Flake from behind me. “And no pony would accept this gift of yours if they had any inkling of how much equine blood was spilt just to achieve it.”

“Acceptance of the gift?” Lexicon laughed again. “My dear pony. You talk as if it’s optional.”

A snap of digital digits, and doors clunked open at the sides of the warehouse. Standing beyond, with spindly limbs and bulky torsos, was a host of iron, humanoid forms. I compared them to the droids I’d seen before - it was as if all the mass had been concentrated in the chest, with no thought for plating or reinforcement of the limbs. Simple. Utilitarian. Unrefined. Piercing, yellow lamps of eyes stared at us, and each of us, to a pony, felt uneasy.

“Behold,” Lexicon introduced, “The mk 1. Crude. Efficient. Flawed.”

“Flawed?” I snorted, as the droids stalked into the warehouse. “They look pretty functional to me, if a little rough.”

“Flawed not in body. Body is something that can be changed, remedied.” Lexicon tapped his head. “Flawed in the brain. The procedure is incomplete, the pony-machine-interface flawed. Once lively equine souls, these mostly-brain-dead automatons are now no more than... well. Slightly autonomous machines. My attempts to recreate the operation that made me without a magical prodigy like Twilight Sparkle on hoof to assist have met only with failure thus far.”

“You mean...” I put two and two together, and guessed what lay between. “These droids... were once ponies?”

“Living and breathing, like yourself, yes. Fleshy.” Lexicon sighed as one of his creations stumbled on it’s own feet. “Weak. Now... they have sacrificed the weakness of the flesh for the ineptitude of a brain dominated mostly by primitive logic and slaved to commands.”

“Hardly sounds superior to me,” Snow Flake snorted. “Can’t even think it’s way out of a paper bag. Probably three-laws compliant and not a lot more.”

“It’s a work in progress,” dismissed Lexicon. “I failed to account for brain death during the operation. Much of each brain required replacement. I have been improving the transfer process, but I require more subjects.”

“Which is where we would have come in, yes?” I guessed.

“Correct, Dice Roller.” Lexicon nodded. “However, you’ve forced my hand. I will make you a deal, unicorn.” Lexicon gestured to me. “Submit willingly, and you will become like myself, if I am able. A body finer than the others, and if the operation succeeds as intended, no loss of faculty.”

A quiet murmur from the ponies behind me filled the air. A few of them voiced their suggestions to me at volume.

“Don’t you bloody dare!”

“Tell him to Bed, Bath and Blow himself!”

“I can’t believe you’d think I’d just... sell out like that,” I declined, chuckling. “I’m very sorry, but I set my price much, much higher than that.”

“Well said, Dice,” Glitter whispered.

“Hmm.” Lexicon looked unimpressed. “So be it. I had hoped to use words, but clearly, you’re intractable. I suppose I shall have to settle for dead subjects this time, work on refining the chassis.”

The scrape of hooves filled the air, and I looked back to see the prisoners readying themselves for a fight - unarmed they were, but those who could looked prepared to fight to the very end.

“There might be more of your... failed experiments... than us,” I stated, “But they don’t look very combat ready.”

Lexicon looked surprised that he’d made such a mistake, and motioned to the crude cyborgs, which nodded in reply, and made their way to the doors of the warehouse.

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of pitting living ponies against these failures alone,” Lexicon snorted. “No, that would be a waste of valuable metal. No, I shall simply have Jeeves deal with you.”

Silence filled the air. Then laughter echoed forth from the rear of the group. Big ‘n’ orange stood, hunched over in mirth, Blue struggling to remain on his back amidst the laughter that rocked his carrier.

“That little machine-man?” he chuckled. “Please. Tell me you’re serious. Perhaps you’ll even leave the doors unbarred, so we can make a timely exit.”

I just snorted, and drew my purloined handgun; I’d always fancied myself a bit of a marksman as a human, and I reckoned I could still do it as a pony. I levitated the gun in front of my face, taking aim, and fired.

My aim was true - with a smash of plastic and metal alloy, Jeeves fell over, a sparking hole in his faceplate. However, my telekinetic grip was weak and the handgun jackhammered back into my snout.

I sat on my rump in pain, and swore as I dropped the gun in surprise. Aside from the clatter of metal and plastic on concrete, and some quiet sniggers from the ponies behind me, there was silence. Lexicon didn’t so much as flinch, despite the bullet having passed very close to him.

“Well, there’s your plan shot,” I stated, getting up and retrieving the gun. “Give it up, Lexicon. Jeeves, your defensive plan, is dead, and I don’t have any problems shooting you as well.”

Lexicon just snorted. “Poor, poor, Dice. Little known fact about Jeeves - he’s what we call a ‘distributed AI’. That means he’s one AI personality in many, many bodies. He’s my chef, he’s my butler, he’s my gardener, and above all... he’s my bodyguard. Killing one body only slows him down...”

There was a horrendous screaming of metal as the far doors buckled and tore, sheet metal being bent and torn asunder by thick digits that stabbed through it, as if it were tissue paper.

The warehouse floor shook as the thing on the other side stepped through a hole, enlarging it as it went. Three times as big as a tank, with armour-plating and a heavy tread to match. Steel creaked slightly as its two legs struggled to hold up such mass.

“Celestia preserve us,” big orange breathed quietly. “It’s like a minotaur made of steel... only bigger.”

“Jeeves.” Lexicon stepped to the side, allowing his minion a clear charging lane. “Deal with them.”

I wasted no time, and fired a second shot - not aimed at Jeeves, but aimed at Lexicon. With movements that were almost a blur, Lexicon moved his head to try and avoid the shot - with a tearing of metal, he staggered to the side, a large gouge taken out of his right eye and the surrounding faceplate.

I’d learned from my previous mistake, and not put the gun in front of my snout; I went to take another shot, only for a massive steel hand to lash out and block my line of fire; with a harmless pling, the round bounced off, and I swallowed hard.

The sound of Lexicon running away could be faintly heard over the sounds of heavy machinery revving up in the new Jeeves, and I felt somepony tap me on the shoulder.

“What do we do now, Dice?” Glitter asked, uncertain.

“What do we do?” I looked to the right, and saw an open doorway. “We run!”

======

"For an evil lair, this is a very big place," Cake remarked quietly, creeping along.

"Compensating for something, I think," I guessed.

"Quiet, you two," hissed Shield. "I just heard something."

We strained our ears, and heard the heavy tread of boots.

Cake pulled a face as he tried to quietly express his distress, and managed to choke out, "Now what?"

"Hide?" I suggested.

Shield's head flicked around to confirm what he already knew. "No chance. No hiding places."

"One thing left to do then," I said, squaring my shoulders. "Play along."

The human we heard finally rounded the corner ahead of us, and jumped as he saw the three of us.

"Hey! Who are you?" he demanded, pointing his rifle at us.

"Relax, numbnuts," I replied, "I'm on your side, Lexicon's springing for my paycheck. Caught these two on my way in here to see him," I cuffed Shield on the back of the head, "slinking about upstairs - good thing, too, I think they're scouts for the PER."

"PER? Already?" The guard looked alarmed. "Shit! Think they got word out?"

I shook my head. "Nah, but I'm sure they'll be missed. I'll squeeze the info outta them before long, though. Get the jump on 'em, hit them in their own home, so to speak." An idea occurred to me. "Where abouts are the cells?"

"Cells?" the sentry pointed back the way he'd come. "Sixth left down that way, second right. Denny's the one watching the prisoners today. Tell him William says 'Hi'."

"Will do," I nodded. William seemed pleased.

"Nice to see Lexicon employed someone who's actually competent. Spot anything else out-of-the-ordinary up there?"

I nodded. "Busted-up robot. They musta done it."

"Shiiiit," William swore. "Alright, thanks. I'll go deal with that, you go deal with those ponies."

"Okay. Come on, you stupid horses, no funny business."

The human sentry jogged off the way we'd come from, and we did the same at a much more sedate pace, making our way to the cells.

"I can't believe that worked," snorted Cake quietly. "Good thinking, twolegs."

"Aren't you glad you brought me along now?" I grinned.

"Did you have to hit me so hard?" Shield complained. "That seemed a little excessive."

"Sorry," I lied, "It had to look believable."

"Believable, my flank."

A whisper of moving wind reached my ears and I stopped; Cake and Shield looked back at me.

"What is it?" Shield asked quietly.

"Did you hear anything?" I whispered, wary of more sentries.

"Nope," Cake shook his head. "Probably just a trick of the m-"

I didn't hear what it could possibly be a trick of, because a tan missile shot out from around the corner, and slammed into my chest - with a gentle squeak of my back on the polished concrete floor, I slid backwards, my assailant riding on top of me the whole way.

"Go! Run!" the missile shouted, "I got this guy!"

A hoof wound back, and awkwardly thumped me in the face as I attempted to lift what was obviously a pegasus off my chest.

"Augh! What the fuck?!" I protested, straining to lift the determined pegasus off me. "Dude! Chill!"

"I'll give you something to chill about, kidnapper!" retorted the pegasus, smashing my hand away and preparing to give me a proper socking.

"Hey! Stop!" A brown set of hooves looped around the pegasus, and pulled. The strike went astray, and I got up awkwardly.

The tan pegasus was being restrained by Cake, and didn't seem happy about it. Shield looked like he was torn between enjoying the beatdown and a sense of obligation to stop it.

"Let me go! He's one of the kidnappers, unless... you traitor! You've betrayed us all!" The pegasus thrashed, and Shield finally made his decision.

"Silence, you foalish colt!" Shield grabbed the struggling pegasus' face and pulled it towards his own with a hoof. "This human is here because he's got family to save. Find someone else to beat on."

The pegasus strained, and gave up. "Fine. I'll take your word for it." The pegasus was released, and he smoothed himself down, and looked at his hooves. "I'm Chord Thorn, and... well, I'm sorry I jumped you like that."

"Ah, no hard feelings," I shook my head. "I've been hit harder today, haven't I, Shield?"

"Don't push it, Cooper."

"Cooper?" Chord Thorn rubbed his chin, and my eye was drawn to his blinded eye, framed by a large scar. "Who are you here for?"

"Looking for my family, the Flakes, and my brother Dice."

"Dice?" Thorn looked me in the eye. "You know Dice, too?"

"You've seen him?"

"Seen him?" Thorn let out a short bark of laughter. "If it weren't for him, I reckon we wouldn't be here talking to each other, and everypony'd still be in irons!" Thorn sat down. "I mean, it might have been my brains that got us out, but if he wasn't in the same cell as me, I don't think it would have gone as well."

"Where are they?" I reached out and grabbed Thorn by the shoulders.

"Back that way," he jerked his head back the way he'd come from, the way we'd been heading. "I left him to see if I could find my coat. No luck so far."

"Why is your coat so darn important?" Cake asked. "Ponies are more important than coats, aren't they?"

"Yeah, but my coat's got my things in it," Thorn pointed out. "Things that could be useful to help us escape."

"Well," Shield said, "We're here, now. Let's find everyone else and get them out."

Thorn nodded, and led the way. I noted the scars that poked through his coat, and frowned.

“What’s with the scars, Thorn?” I asked, displaying my usual tact.

“You mess with spike traps and the like as long as I have,” he grunted, “you pick up the odd memento. Except this one,” he pointed a hoof at his blind eye, and the scar that crossed it. “This one was the only price I paid for tangling with... well, let’s just call him a ghost from my past.”

“Ghosts don’t swing blades,” Shield pointed out. “What was it, really?”

“A ghost with a magic sword and less blame for my father’s death than I first thought,” Thorn said, sidestepping the question once again. “This isn’t really the time, is it?”

A door ahead of us hung ajar, and Thorn pushed it open, clicking his tongue in frustration.

“Well, this is where they were,” Thorn grumbled, checking the empty cells. “Must’ve headed out somewhere.”

I poked my head around the corner of one cell, seeing an unconscious human lying there, bound and gagged. “What about this guy?”

“That guy?” Thorn snorted. “Bad guy. Don’t let him out, I had to knock him senseless.”

I nodded. “I can believe that.”

Cake tapped the door at the other end of the cells with a hoof, drawing our attention. “Think they went through here?”

“Maybe,” Thorn said, “But Dice was probably running the show.” He nodded to me. “You know him best, where would he go?”

“Probably head off and look for you,” I guessed, wondering what I’d do. “Try and find a way out? Both?”

Thorn nodded. “Seems like his style.”

A ground-shaking thud echoed through the ceiling, small drifts of dust falling loose, and we all flinched.

“What in the hay was that?” Cake asked me, alarmed.

“Search me!” I retorted.

“I think we better find everypony, and soon,” Shield grunted. “Before we’re too late.”

======

Ponies ran left, right and center like multicoloured ants across the assembly yard, from the magnifying glass of fury that was combat-form Jeeves.

I watched as an oversized fist slammed down on a shipping container, crushing it flat with a crunch and tear of steel; the ponies who had been hiding behind it only narrowly missing becoming pancakes as well. The skies were thick with ponies taking flight if they were able, and either making a break for it or playing decoy, flying circles around the less-nimble droid.

On the ground, the clumsy Mk 1’s gave chase to their more alive bretheren, attempting to hold them still and generally telling Jeeves where they were hiding.

“Ohchristohchristohchrist,” I burbled, running as fast as my legs could take me - this was the sort of thing that I got in movies and videogames, not real life! Who builds giant robots in real life?

[STOP RUNNING,] demanded Jeeves, ground shaking with every (relatively) small step he took towards us; I realized that despite clearly not knowing what to do, a good portion of the ponies I’d helped escape were still hanging around me, moving with me as I ran.

“Why are you guys still following me?” I asked, exhaustedly. I don’t know if I’ve said this, but cardio. Or something. Fitness needed a good kicking.

“Figure you’ve got a better idea of what to do,” big orange said, Blue clutching to the back of his head tightly. Despite the extra burden, big and orange wasn’t even close to out of breath.

“Well, I don’t - so run for it! Get out of here, split up!”

“And leave our son to fight our battle for us?” Snow Flake’s voice drifted down, and I looked up to see my family hovering in the air above me; some of the few pegasi who had elected to stick around.

“You guys, especially,” I waved a hoof at them. “Go on, fly! I got this!”

“But you just said you don’t,” Glitter pointed out, flying to the side rapidly; the small group under her also split, just in time to avoid a metal fist.

“I say a lot of things!” I retorted, running hard, diving for cover behind another series of metal crates; with a sweep of a hand, Jeeves sent other metal crates my way, which banged and bounced off my cover and landed around me, one missing my leg by inches.

“What about that time when you flunked a whole semester’s worth of papers, and we only found out when one of your tutors mentioned how impressed they were when you turned your career around?” Gold Flake shouted, rolling under a crane arm as it rotated to try and swat her out of the sky, controls moving on their own.

“Is now really the time to bring up my inability to plan?” I shouted back, slipping between crates to make my escape, just seconds before a box finally landed where I’d been sitting.

“Point is, Dice,” my father picked up the conversation, swooping down and lifting me into the sky, “You’re good at thinking on your hooves, and that’s what we need right now!”

“Besides,” Gold pointed out, “Can’t you hack the robot or something?”

I let out a sarcastic bark of laughter. “Really? Hack the robot? Assuming I managed to get into the control panel, wherever it is, it’d be pure luck if I actually managed to stop it!”

“Well, what’s that butt-marking for, then?” Glitter demanded, pointing at my flank. “You’ve got a talent, why not use it?”

I looked back at my flank, and two dice looked back at me. I felt like I could pound my face through the back of my head with the force of the face-hoof I wanted to perform.

“I can’t believe it took me this long to work it out!” I fumed. “Saints alive! Dad!”

“Yes, Dice?” Snow grunted, banking sharply as he avoided a thrown crate.

“Drop me on top of that robot. I’m going to shut it down, or die trying.”

“That’s my son,” Snow said, proudly. Despite his calm, measured personality, he was fond of the occasional, reckless choice. This seemed like one of those choices.

Snow wasted no time, banking around for a run on Jeeves - the robotic behemoth was entertaining itself by trying to flatten a trio of ponies hiding in crates; a game that the ponies were winning at present, thanks to their uncanny ability to duck down and appear in a different crate, but were destined to lose as each attempt Jeeves made to crush them resulted in a flattened, unusuable crate.

As such, the robot didn’t see me coming until I hit his armour plating. And what plating - vast slabs of steel, mounted on pivots and hinges; I landed with a bang on the smooth surface, my entire body sitting on his shoulder like an equine parrot.

The ponies below made their getaway as Jeeves reared up, trying to swat me off his back with hands as big as I was; I shuffled to the centre of his back to avoid the swings, delighting in the fact that Jeeves was barely flexible enough to touch his own head, let alone the back of his neck.

I tucked my hooves in as a blast of heat wooshed near them; I looked back to see the exhaust ports for the what powered the behemoth sitting on Jeeves’ back; and not a lot of space between me and them. I bit my lip as the vents fired again, and I felt the heat on my flank - the smell of burnt hair told me what was happening to my tail.

I spotted a convenient panel located just between the shoulderblades, and hop-crawled over to it, reading the label - “system override panel”.

“That’s convenient,” I muttered, reaching out to try and pull the hatch off. I strained and pulled, to no avail as the hatch refused to budge. I saw why, and wanted to headbutt the panel I was clinging to for being so stupid.

It was bolted down. Now what? I absent-mindely drummed a telekinetic grip on the tools I had wedged inside my armoured vest; cattle prod and... handgun.

I frowned. This sort of thing only worked in movies and trashy novels, right? I drew the gun and put the nose to the recessed screws, blocking one ear with a free hoof. With a loud crack, the gun discharged, and I pulled it away; sitting in a deep channel was a small nugget of twisted lead, embedded in what was left of a screw. I blew my mane out of my face in surprise.

I didn’t say anything, and moved onto the next screw; three gunshots later, and some close calls as Jeeves redoubled his efforts to dislodge me, and I was staring at a slew of wires and moving pistons.

“Oh for the love of - “ I ran a hoof down my face. “Why are there so many goddamn wires?” I lamented out loud.

“Cut the red one!” Glitter suggested helpfully, as she swooped nearby, under a swing of Jeeves’ fist.

“No! Black! Power cables are always black!” Snow shouted.

I looked at the wires on hand. “They’re all grey!”

“Well, pick one!” Glitter shouted.

I rolled my eyes, muttering murderously and uncharitably about my family. I’d missed their trademark conflicting advice. I opted for the third option, and drew the cattle prod. I wondered what would happen if I managed to short out a robot bigger than most houses. I also wondered how often people wondered that.

Not many, I decided, as I toggled the power switch on the prod and jabbed it point-first into the mass of wires. For a moment, nothing happened. Then a spark arced, and Jeeves experienced a 12,000 volt in a place the designers probably hadn’t thought about - after all, what were the odds, right?

I was thrown from the robot with a sudden jolt, cutting a gentle parabolic arc and landing in a pile of boxes on the ground, against the wall with a crunch, giving me prime seats to watch my handiwork unfold.

Spitting sparks, Jeeves was having trouble controlling himself; everypony else backed off swiftly as the robot jerked and juddered it’s way into a warehouse wall, crashing through it with a tearing of steel. It groaned and strained, to no effect; a dull, pervasive whine wound down, and things were finally silent. The Mk 1 cyborgs around still moved, but most had been crushed by Jeeves in the fight or incapacitated by capable hooves. The ones that still could move looked a little lost... as much as they could, anyway.

I just watched from my impromptu seat as the dust cleared, and looked at the cattle prod that I’d managed to hold onto. That had been... extreme. And improbable.

“That was amazing!” big orange shouted, trotting over to see if I needed any help. “How’d you do that?”

“I just... stabbed his neck wiring with the prod,” I confessed. “I have no idea why or how that happened.”

"Mister Dice probably shorted out crucial power supply lines," Blue remarked, poking his head out from behind Orange's mane. "If this was a videogame, it'd be like, a trap or something."

“I hope not,” Snow remarked, touching down, and helping me out of the boxes. My sister and mother sat not far away, catching their breath.

"Hey, Dice!" Thorn's voice rang out, and I looked around to see the scarred pegasus headed my way.

"Hey Thorn - you missed all the fun," I said, jabbing a hoof at him. "Where were you?"

"Looking for my stuff. Never found it. Guess what I did find, though?"

"Dice, what the hell is all this, man?" I moved my head to see three familiar shapes running towards me - Duke, and those two PER recruiters. “We came here to save you, and we find you’e already saved everyone!”

"Duke?" I had my mouth open, but someone else had beaten me to the punch. My mother.

"Oh," Duke said, jogging to a halt next to us. "Hi Mum, Dad. Looking good. Uh... what's with the faces?"

I found myself the subject of glares from the flight of pegasi that was my family.

"You!" Snow spat, his wrath aroused. "We thought you were our son! How dare you impersonate him?!”

Oh right, I realized, I never did break the news, did I?

I saw a white hoof drawing back, and sighed mentally, turning my head to give my father a clean shot. Duke could explain it.

Whack.