The Conversion Bureau - Mirror Match

A story loosely set in Blaze’s Conversion Bureau universe, By Silvertie

Chapter 9 - BBEG

“How’s the suit fit?”

I turned my shoulders, and nodded approvingly at the mirror - my black-suited, sunglass-obscured visage nodded back at me. “I look pretty snazzy.”

Chocolate Cake grabbed me and turned me around, frowning at me and tilting his head sideways. “You’re not supposed to look snazzy, you’re supposed to look authentic. Most feds ain’t snazzy. Shield. Opinion.”

Illuminating Shield turned around, and nodded. “It’ll do. Doesn’t look anything like a real Agent, and these days, most Agents tend to have a... ahem, ‘unique’ flair to them.”

The earth pony picked up a small wallet, and carried it over to me, spitting it into my hands. I flipped it open, to see my own face staring back at me out of an ID that named me “Special Agent Cooper”.

“Alright, Duke. Who are you?”

“I’m Du-” A swift strike from a hoof to the shoulder had me staggering sideways, cursing quietly in pain.

“Wrong answer. Try again, and get it right or we go with Plan B.”

“What’s Plan B?”

“You attempt to become a pegasus in the six seconds it takes for you to fall to your death. Cake’ll oblige you.”

“I’m Agent Cooper.”

“What’s your assignment?” Shield interrogated.

“I’m here escorting two Equestrian investigators.”

“Hmm.” Shield nodded. “You’ll do. Officially, you’re on glorified bodyguard duty. Once we close the doors, you stand there and shut up, while we get answers. Just because you’re tagging along, doesn’t mean your opinion is appreciated or even tolerated. Stand there, shut up, got it?”

“Why are you such a dick?” I asked, pushing the doors open; we were standing in the back of a moving truck - loaned by Ironshod, naturally - parked in the very same service lane that I’d been lured down in the first place.

“Why am I a dick?” Shield looked irritated. “Look, we might have been going to ponify you, but if things went to plan, you’d never know who we were. Now you know, and you’re what we call a ‘loose end’! We’ve only got you as far as solving this little kidnapping problem, and I’m not sure you can be trusted with even that!”

“What,” I said as I hopped down, off the truck, “You calling me a liability?”

“You ain’t a pony,” Cake said, bluntly, affixing his own badge around his neck. “And Shield’s got trust issues with anythin’ that don’t walk on four legs.”

I mulled that over as we walked around the corner, and approached the restaurant I should have had lunch at, now being swarmed over by half a dozen policemen in great detail. Imagine if I’d ignored that glimpse of M out of the corner of my eye...

“Hey, you three!”

As one, we looked to see a rather pudgy policeman trotting towards us - it’s about the only way to describe how he moved, even though he was human. Too fast for a waddle, too rotund, jiggly and slow for a jog or run.

“Yes, officer?” I asked, smoothly.

“This... hoo. This is a crime scene,” the policeman puffed. “I’m afraid that if you came here looking for lunch at Rai’s, you’re gonna have to go elsewhere.”

I recieved a subtle jab in the thigh from Shield, and took my cue, fishing out my ID, and flashing it to the policeman, like I’d seen detectives do in all those TV thrillers that I’d seen.

“Agent Cooper. I’m escorting these two special investigators - Princess Luna wants an equine view of the situation.”

“O- of course!” The policeman tried to draw himself up straighter in the presence of someone with a higher-ranked badge than his, and achieved a rather tall pile of flabby flesh. “Do you want the boys to take a break?”

“Indeed,” Shield cut in, nodding. “If you would kindly direct us to any witnesses, that would also be most appreciated.”

“Witnesses?” The policeman waddled along, leading us into the restaraunt proper, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he went. “Only got one witness, Mr. Rai. He hid in the kitchen when the snatch-and-grab happened.”

“Where is he?” Cake asked.

“Still in the kitchen.” The policeman drew himself up even more, and bellowed at the handful of police detectives combing the scene. “Take five, you lot! Special investigators from Equestria want a quiet look at the place!”

The policemen looked relieved, and drifted away, arguing amongst themselves about the closest fast-food joint. The pudgy cop watched them go, wiping a moustached nose with the back of a hand.

“You too, Officer,” Shield prompted, and the cop looked surprised.

“Me too? But how will-”

“They’ll work it out,” I interjected hurriedly. “Off you go.”

The cop searched for a reason to stay, sighed in resignation when he couldn’t come up with one, and left us to our own devices. I looked at the two ‘Investigators’ who just walked past everything; they didn’t want evidence, they wanted a lead. A lead sitting in the kitchen.

“Oh, hello!” Rai got up from his seat on a worn stool to greet us as we entered. “I so sorry, we not open now. Trouble with kidnapping, you see - you come back tomorrow, okay?”

A brown hoof planted itself on Rai’s chest, and Cake pushed him firmly back onto the stool. “We ain’t here for the eats, human.”

“We’re here to find out what you know,” Shield stated levelly, a hard edge to his voice. I watched the pony’s body language change - his body tensed up, and I could practically feel the threatening glare, even from where I was standing.

“I so sorry,” Rai protested. “I give statement to policemen. You ask them please. I know no more.”

“The policemen have gone out to lunch,” Cake pointed out, “And I’m no great shakes at readin’. Let’s cut to the chase - we’re very busy ponies, you dig? What happened?”

“What happen?” Rai sighed. “Angry men come in with guns, kidnap ponies at gunpoint! Hit them, and go!”

Shield looked Rai in the eyes, and the chinaman returned the look. Shield frowned.

“That’s not all you know. What didn’t you tell the policemen, hm?”

“That whole story true!” Rai protested again. “I not see any more, I busy hiding!”

“Don’t lie to him, Rai,” Cake warned. “I seen him mad. He ain’t a nice pony when he mad.”

“I no lie!”

Shield didn’t say anything, except to spin and lash out with a solid buck at Rai’s legs - with a solid crack, the man fell over sideways, screaming and clutching his newly malformed legs.

“I said, that’s not all you know. I’m not wrong, I can see it in your eyes,” Shield said, warningly. “We can do this the fast way, or the hard way. The painless path closed when you decided to fuck with me, human.”

The human phrase sounded strange coming from a pony, and it showed on Rai’s face, mixed in with brimming tears and gritted teeth from the pain. “You can’t do this!” Rai protested. “You break my legs! That illegal! You have no reason! I report you!”

“I hear humans are fond of their hands,” Shield said conversationally. “Especially those wiggly parts on the ends, fingers. Start talking, or I make sure you never play the piano again, you piece of shit.”

“You wouldn’t!” Rai accused, trying to call Shield’s bluff. A bluff that didn’t exist, and the result made both Cake and I wince in sympathy.

snap

Rai’s screaming hit a new pitch as he clutched a ring finger, bent backwards, and Shield spat, wiping his mouth with a hoof.

“Your hands taste like meat, you bastard. Now start talking.”

“I... know nothing!” reiterated Rai.

“I hate using my mouth for things. Wish I was a unicorn sometimes. Cake, pass me that cleaver. I don’t like using your human tools, but it’s either that or touch your fingers with my mouth again. I would rather cut.”

Cake put a hoof on a cleaver embedded in a chopping block, and Rai finally snapped.

“Okay, okay! I work with the men! I help them, organize trap! They take ponies and put them in truck! They give me money! You want money? I give! Look!”

Rai crawled to an inoccuous-looking icebox under the counter, and levered it open with his one good hand - inside, stacks of cash sat, which were drawn out by a shaking hand, and held out to us.

“You take money and go! Please!”

Cake brushed the money aside with a hoof, and pulled the man closer with a hoof. “Was there anything special about that truck? A number plate, a logo?”

“...yes! Yes!” Rai nodded eagerly. “A logo! No cut!”

“What was the logo?” I asked quickly, beating Shield to the punch.

======

“How are you so damn calm?” I asked, holding up my shackled hooves for emphasis. “This can’t be normal for you. You’ve even got what amounts to wheel clamps for your wings!”

“The trick,” Chord Thorn said evenly, swaying slightly with the motion of the dark truck, “is to stay calm. You panic, you miss things.” Thorn used his limited hoof movement range to punctuate his sentence with a rattle of chains. “You miss things, you miss opportunity. You miss opportunities... you might not get out alive.”

I took a deep breath and calmed down, then looked at my companion. “Alright, mister I-get-caught-all-the-time, what am I looking for?”

“Anything,” Thorn answered, simply. “Every little detail helps, and you spot more details if you pay attention to senses other than sight. The smallest click of gears behind a stone wall, the slightest bit of give in a rope. See an inch, push it to a mile. Shoot, you ever read Daring Do’s stories?”

“Never heard of her,” I confessed. “Pony author?”

“In a sense. The stories she writes are elaborated hugely in regards to how often the floor turns to lava; but most of its based on things she’s actually done. Like, escaping a room filling with quicksand, while tied up with rope. She used her hat.”

“Her hat?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah - if you’re busy panicking, what are the odds of you actually trying that?” Thorn tapped his head with a hoof. “Would you even remember you were wearing one?”

“Probably not.”

“So. Stay calm, and stay alert. Give it a try, you’d be surprised what you find.”

I settled down, and closed my eyes, drinking in my other senses. I felt the truck’s motion, heard the sound of tyres on asphalt, smelt the diesel of the engine. The sway as we went around a corner. Heard the breathing of the other ponies, heard voices.

Voices? I listened harder, and cracked an eye open to see Thorn smiling at me. Crafty bastard. He’d been hearing them all along, hadn’t he?

“Think it’s worth checking one of the other traps?”

“Nah. We’re at capacity right now, anyway. Let’s just dump this lot off.”

“Dump us where...?” I listened harder, brow creasing as increasing noise levels made it harder to listen.

Something twigged, and I looked around. Stirring shapes in the dark startled me, and I realized my fellow prisoners were waking up.

“Uuh,” moaned a voice. “Where am I?”

“Glitter?” I recognized the voice. “It’s me, Dice. I’m over here.”

“Dice?” Chains rattled as my sister hobbled and dragged herself over to me, apologizing quietly to ponies she tripped over or stood on. I lit my horn up brighter, and her pink visage loomed out of the dark.

Without waiting, she gave me what I guessed was the equivalent of an equine hug - at a loss for what to do, I settled for awkwardly patting her shoulder with a hoof.

“There, there. It’ll be alright, Glitter.”

“I hate these shackles.”

“Hmm.” An idea came to me. “Wait, why didn’t I try this before?”

I reached out with my magic, feeling for the shackles that bound my sister, and hobbled her so. I found them, and began to pull. Almost immediately, it was as if I was holding ice in my telekinetic grip - a stark contrast to the searing, burning pain that manifested itself in my horn.

I recoiled in pain, cursing, and cradled my horn - as soon as I’d let go, the pain had vanished - but the memory was all too real.

Thorn watched my reactions, and nodded. “Figures. Orichalcum alloy.”

“Ori-what now?” I gasped.

“Orichalcum - Equestrian metal, absorbs magic straight out of anything that touches it; I’m told holding a lump of pure Orichalcum as a unicorn is unbelievably painful,” Thorn explained. “Just being near the stuff is enough to cause headaches and make spells go wrong. In lesser concentrations, you can’t detect the stuff until you touch it with magic - then it does it’s thing. Needless to say, you aren’t pulling these shackles apart if they’ve got Orichalcum in them.”

“Well, there goes that plan,” I muttered, rubbing my temple. “How’d humans get Orichalcum-laced shackles?”

“And that’s a twenty-thousand-bit question right there, Dice,” Thorn nodded to me. “What human has the connections for access to one of the rarest Equestrian ores?”

The question, while softly spoken, bounced around the truck, and plunged it into silence. Silence enough for me to hear the people in the cabin once more, as the truck rocked and slowed to a halt.

“Think we need to knock out those ponies again?”

“Of course. Can’t relax until they’re in the cells. Most dangerous creature’s one that’s in a corner, after all.”

“Boris, would you kindly oblige?”

The truck rocked, and the sound of heavy footsteps stamped their way around to the back of the truck. I braced myself, ready to seize the chance to get everypony out, if I could. He’d have to open the door to knock us all out, right?

No such luck - apparently this ‘Boris’ wasn’t a moron, and where I anticipated a door opening, a small slit opened in the door itself - the stream of light that flowed in flickered as something was pushed through, and it clacked shut once more, the heavy steps stamping back to the cabin.

Everypony craned their necks to see what exactly we’d been given, one of the ponies nearest it leaning over and picking up the small object.

“It’s a cylinder of some sort,” reported the earth pony, trying to look at it.

Thorn grimaced. “Might want to hyperventilate a little right now, get ready to hold your breath.”

“What? Why?” Glitter asked, concerned.

“Grenade,” I guessed, and did as Thorn suggested, sucking in a deep breath and holding it.

Glitter followed suit, and just in time - the cylinder was indeed a grenade, and the earth pony holding it dropped in with a shout of alarm when it began venting gas.

“Help!”

“I can’t breathe!”

The ponies all moved as one - those further away were able to scrabble to the back of the truck, but those closest didn’t so much as let out a shout of alarm before keeling over; I couldn’t quite see in the dark, but I certainly hoped it was just sleeping gas, and that Boris hadn’t accidentally given us a poison or otherwise unbreathable gas grenade.

The unseen cloud reached us; I forced light into my horn, and I saw it drifting around us, still fountaining forth from the grenade. A heavy weight against my shoulder as Glitter gave me a hug, and we watched as the other ponies fell over.

In no time at all, it was just me, Thorn and Glitter left upright; everypony else was gently snoring away under a thin blanket of gas; my horn’s light flickered and began to give out as my focus drifted to not sucking in a breath of air.

I barely noticed Glitter sliding down to the ground, and just looked at Thorn - the pegasus had his own mouth clamped shut, and his expression spoke volumes.

You’re just delaying the inevitable.

My lungs burned, my heart thumped, and eventually... I gave in. Thorn wasn’t having trouble, but he was presumably used to this sort of thing. Me? No such luck. I let a single breath of gas-laced air pass my lips, and coughed as the chemical kicked in.

The world of unconsciousness beckoned yet again, and the world became properly dark once more.

======

“What I want to know is, why is the human not driving?” Cake asked lazily.

Our questions asked of Rai, we’d made a hasty escape back to the truck, and Ironshod had begun the trip across town to our next place of inquiry. Ironshod had reported over the radio that she’d seen some very agitated policemen and one upset restaurateur.

“Because this is my truck, and I’m gonna drive it,” Ironshod shot back over the radio, from the cabin.

“Besides,” I added, “I don’t think I’m capable of driving a truck. I’m not much good at driving at all, really.”

“Typical human,” Shield grunted. “Useless, the lot of you. Better off as ponies.”

“Seriously?” I turned around, and looked Shield in the eye. “What is your problem, seriously? Why do you hate humans so much?”

“You would, too,” Cake warned. “That’s a can of worms you don’t wanna open.”

“Fuck you,” I retorted. “I open a lot of things I shouldn’t. Spill, Shield. Why are you such an asshole?”

“You want to know? You really want to know?” Shield drew himself up to full height, and I realized that he was roughly my size - add in that he was about twice as heavy, and I realized that I could easily wind up like Rai.

“I want to know,” I reiterated. “What could possibly make you hate people you’ve barely met? You’re a pony, for fuck’s sake - your kind has a reputation for being overly trusting, if anything.”

“You know, once upon a time...” Shield sat down, and looked at me. “Once upon a time... I did. I trusted a human. I had a human pen-pal. She would write me letters at least once a week - hand-written, not that machine-typed junk - and on equestrian paper so it could get through the barrier. I was in the Royal Guard back then, and her letters were always the highlight of my day.”

Shield’s expression softened visibly. “She’d write to me, tell me about the silliest things. Her friends... her recent troubles. And I reciprocated - if she needed someone to listen, I listened. If she needed advice, I gave it or found someone who could.

“One day, she wrote to me. She said that... that she thought she loved me. A human woman I’d never met, loving me, an Equestrian Royal Guardspony. It was quite a surprise. We organized a meeting, so that we could meet, face-to-face, and finally see the pony or woman behind the letters. I cashed in my leave, set out for a quiet little city out in the human lands.

“We arranged to meet at the train station - I stood there for fifteen minutes, and she didn’t show. I just figured she was running late, and before long, I was the only person on that platform, watching the sunset.

“A truck pulled up. Filled with a bunch of men. I paid them a minimal amount of attention, they looked like official human soldiers - why would I question them? I should have paid more attention. They jumped me as one, beat me with batons and stun-prods. I was a trained guard, but one pony can only do so much against four men like that. I went down hard, and do you know what I saw?”

“What did you see?” I asked.

“I saw her. A woman, peering around the corner of a building, holding one of your fancy wireless phones. Doesn’t seem like much, right? Thing is, she matched the description that my pen-pal had given me, the human to look for, the one who said she loved me.”

Shield planted a hoof on his chest. “I opened myself up to this woman, and what did she do? She betrayed me! She sold me out to these bastards of humans!” Shield began to pace back and forth. “Back then, the Human Liberation Front was disorganized. Crude. Unregulated. If the HLF got you, who knew what would happen to you?

“This branch... this branch was cruel. Sadistic. Saw no harm in having a little... ‘fun’ with a pony they’d nabbed. I looked important, too, you know. Having a natural white coat does imply status, it seems. They thought I was rich, thought to shake me down for bits, hold me to ransom.

“I don’t have money. I’m a Guardspony, I don’t make stacks of bits. I tried to tell them that they were wasting their time, that there was no money to be had. And they got mad, called me a liar, beat me. What they did next... changed me. Forever.”

“Did they... rape you?” I guessed, and Shield shook his head.

“Even today... I wish they had, instead of what they did. At least psychological wounds do heal eventually. Mine won’t.” Shield turned around, and pointed to his back. “Human medical science is quite astonishing, they managed to heal the physical scars, make it as if they never existed. But neither that nor Equestrian magic can replace what was taken from me.”

The penny dropped, and my eyes widened a little as I put it together. Shield looked like an earth pony. Looked.

“Your wings. You used to be a pegasus, they took your wings.”

“Like pulling the wings off a chicken, they gloated,” Shield spat, turning around. “Sometimes, I still hear that saw when I sleep. The scream of metal meeting sinew, mingling with my own screams of pain.

“I didn’t die on that table. I would have, if the Equestrian Wild Cards hadn’t kicked the door down - the HLF, they were arguing about how long I’d live without legs, you know. The Cards... they arrived in the nick of time, routing the HLF while they were distracted by the show that I provided. Put paid to those assholes, each and every one. I owe them my life.

“But even they, Equestria’s elite tactical squad, were not fast enough. They got me to a hospital in time to stop me on the brink of death, but they didn’t stop the HLF fast enough to save my wings. There’s no place in the Royal Guard for a pegasus with no wings - there’s places for earth ponies, but I’m no earth pony. I lack the innate strength and sturdiness, and I had no other skills to rely on.

“So I had no choice, but to leave the Guard. Times got hard, and I fell in with the Ponification for the Earth’s Rebirth movement, and as you humans say,” Shield said, gesturing grandly at the truck, “The rest is history.”

“You... what happened to you wasn’t easy, not by far.” I pointed at Shield. “But how can you hate humans for that? It was one bad bunch of apples! Not every human is like that!”

“You’re right, of course. Not every human is so... hostile.” Shield shook his head. “No, it’s not them I hate. It’s the ones that pretend to care. That pretend to support our way of life.” Shield jabbed me in the chest with a hoof. “They’re liars, and the only way to ensure that we don’t get hurt by those liars is to make them all ponies like us. After all, betraying something that doesn’t look like you is easy. But doing it to your kith and kin?”

“...You blame your pen pal.”

“She was behind it!” Shield screamed, fuming. “She was behind it all! She sold me out! She knew I was in the Royal Guard! She must have thought I had bits aplenty! My life was destroyed and changed forever, and she’s to blame!”

The ex-pegasus snorted, and stamped around in circles, before looking at the ground and taking a deep breath. He re-smoothed out his mane, and sighed.

“I’m sorry. I get a little worked up, sometimes. Ironshod, are we almost there?”

“About five minutes.”

“Good.” Shield sat down, and fished body armor out of a small locker; tarnished, beaten, but still serviceable, I recognized it as the armor of a royal guardspony. “The Wild Cards saved my life,” he repeated, looking at his reflection in the dented brass. “Wretched though it be. It’s only right that I do the same for other ponies. Let’s hope that we are not too late.”

=====

I didn’t open my eyes this time, I just lay on the ground, listening to the world around me.

“I’m sick and tired of being knocked out,” I declared.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Thorn said, by way of greeting. “Sleep well?”

“Oh, shush, you,” I grunted, sitting up and getting to my hooves. “What’s going on, now? We’re not in the truck.”

“No, indeed,” Thorn shook his head. “I do believe we are somewhere underground. No idea where we are, though.”

“Oh, can you hear traffic above us or something?” I asked.

“Well, no,” Thorn admitted, looking at me with his good eye. “I was sort of awake while we were being carried down here - I managed to hold my breath just a little longer than you, and I only inhaled traces of the gas, so I woke up just as everypony else was being moved.”

“Oh.” I nodded, and got up, smiling. “Hey, the shackles are gone!”

“Yeah, because they got replaced with those.” Thorn nodded around us, and I looked around.

We were in a plain, boring old concrete cell; the only parts of the room that weren’t cold concrete was the wall with the bars and door in it. There weren’t even any toilets; just a drain in the far corner that was way too small for anything to fit down. An experimental touch of the bars that made up our fourth wall with my magic confirmed that it was Orichalcum-alloy steel. A very low-comfort prison cell, in other words. No chance of escape.

“Quite the puzzle,” Thorn admitted. The tan pegasus was the only one sharing my cell, although the cell across from us had four sleeping ponies in it. I couldn’t see my family anywhere near us, and guessed they were further down on the same side as we were.

“Any ideas, Thorn?”

“Well, obviously we’re going to escape,” Thorn pointed out. “All we have to do is pick that lock and we’re out, scott-free.”

“What?” I looked at our cell door, and walked over to it. From what I could see of the other side... “Hey, you’re right! It’s not even a digital lock!”

“Great,” Thorn said, “Now pop back over here and give me a hoof, would you?”

“Why? What’s up?” I asked, concerned. Thorn shook his head.

“Nothing’s wrong, Dice. I just can’t do this on my own.”

“What are you trying to do?” I asked, pressing a little harder.

“Well,” Thorn said, “The idea is that we pick the lock, right? You’re a unicorn, so normally, that’d be your thing - just use your magic to make a key shape, and away we go. But this lock’s made of Orichalcum - you ain’t movin’ that with your magic, no sir. So you need something to pick the lock with.”

“But there’s nothing in this room but us,” I pointed out.

“Exactly, nothing but us.” Thorn nodded towards his own side, where his wings remained pinned by another orichalcum band. “I can’t pull my own feathers from here. If you do that, you should be able to get a couple of feathers sturdy enough to pick the lock with.”

“Picking a lock with feathers?” I asked, tilting my head. “That sounds downright silly.”

“I know, that’s what I said to my father when he taught me this little trick,” Thorn remarked as he presented his wing to me, and I bent my head down to try and pick out a feather. “He responded by telling me that if your enemies think it’s silly, then they won’t mind you doing it-AAARGH”

I lifted my head up, feather pinched between my teeth. “Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” Thorn nodded, eyes watering. “See what I mean about this being a two-pony job? Feels better already. Have another go.”

I bent my head down, and found another suitable candidate, and set my teeth on it.

“What the hell are you doing?” a voice asked, incredulous. I lifted my head to see a human looking at us - neither I nor Thorn had heard him approach; although given our respective occupations, I guessed it made sense.

He wore simple combat fatigues, and a black, armored vest; a handgun rode on one hip, and a cattle-prod on the other, and his face wore a look of disgust.

Thorn fixed him with a look, and he just walked off, shaking his head in equal disgust. “Jesus christ, ponies are fucking weird.”

We heard a door click shut at the end of the hallway, and I looked at Thorn, who shrugged. “I don’t know what just happened,” he confessed. “Perhaps he thinks it’s a fetish or something. Either way, he doesn’t care. Keep going.”

“Is it a fetish?” I asked, finding the feather I had before.

“Celestia only knows,” Thorn grunted as I yanked the feather out. “Can you believe some ponies get off to the mere act of putting clothes on? Or hell, even socks?”

“Socks? Seriously?” I asked, picking up the feathers.

“I’m not kidding,” Thorn commented, walking with me to the door. “It’s a strange world out there, kid.”

“Oh, I know that already,” I chuckled. “Human internet. I just thought ponies were...”

“Above that sort of thing?” Thorn shook his head, smiling. “Ponies are people too, and everybody has at least one vice. For some, that’s socks. Now let’s get lockpicking. You know how to pick a lock?”

“Nope!” I replied cheerfully.

“In at the deep-end, huh?” Thorn shook his head. “You’re going to be picking this lock backwards, so to speak. I hope you can visualize that lock really well.”

And so began what had to be the most infuriating thing of my entire life. Imagine you know nothing about locks. Now imagine having to pick one so you can escape a prison cell. With feathers. From the wrong side. It’s not fun, and even with Thorn’s help, my success was more luck than skill.

The door swung open with a creak, and we trotted out, triumphant. By now, most of the other cell inhabitants had regained consciousness, and stamped their hooves gently by way of applause.

“Now what?” I asked. “We can’t just leave these ponies here.”

“I agree. But feather-lock-picking is hard, and takes far too long - we’d just get busted.” Thorn shook his head, and the cycloptic pegasus began looking around. “Try and find the keys. Keys would be a bit faster than picking every single little lock.”

I thought back to the time I’d just spent. “Yeeah, I agree. Where should we look?”

“What about that guard?” Thorn suggested. “He’s probably got the keys. They usually do.”

“Yeah... he also had a cattle prod and a handgun,” I pointed out. “We don’t have anything.”

“We have the element of Surprise,” Thorn countered, grinning. “And that’s quite a powerful element. Elements of Harmony can eat their collective hearts out.”

“I hope you’re better at beating people up than I am,” I muttered, quietly walking towards the door the guard had gone through. “I’ve got all the physical ability of a wet noodle.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Thorn chortled.

“Why are you so happy?”

“Oh, we’re having adventure,” Thorn replied, “And in case you’ve forgotten, I am a Professional Adventurer. I’m in my element!”

“How does one become a Professional Adventurer?” I asked, slinking up to the door.

“Easy. Have a father that’s an airship captain and ex-military, have him teach you a bunch of dirty tricks, then get himself killed by a power of decay and darkness. Curiosity, a thirst for revenge, and bereavement will do the rest in due time.”

“Ouch,” I muttered. “Have you...”

“Avenged my father?” Thorn nodded. “Been there, did that, walked away with these scars, a blind eye, and what amounts to a PHD in archaeology and adventuring from the school of hard knocks. Never looked back, really.”

I put an ear to the door, listening for anyone on the other side. “Sounds like you’d have a few stories to tell.”

“You know it.” Thorn slipped past me, taking up position next to the door, ready to open it. “Anyone out there?”

I opened my mouth as I strained to listen harder.

“I think... I hear-”

With a wham, the door was thrown open; the heavy wooden door smashed into my head, and sent me flying - I was seeing double, but I could have sworn the guard was just as surprised as I was, although a great deal happier about the arrangement.

“What the fuck? How did you get out of your damn cell?” The guard took a few cautious steps forward, going for his cattle prod. “The boss said you horners couldn’t touch the locks!”

The scrape of hooves on concrete floor got his attention, and he turned around just in time to see Thorn launching himself into the air, rotating slowly, as Thorn’s rear hooves lined up with his face.

I don’t know what was going through the guard’s mind at the time, but ‘His Face’ seemed like a suitable guess - with a resounding crunch, Thorn delivered a punishing kick to the face, and landed on the ground, rolling onto his hooves once more.

It was kind of pointless; I got up, rattled, and shook my head. The human guard didn’t, and I found a few reasons why as I walked over to the body, kicking a few stray teeth aside with a rattle. I rubbed my face, while Thorn looked at his handiwork and tutted.

“You okay, Dice?”

“I’m fine,” I mumbled, feeling my jaw. “That really hurt. I hate getting hit in the head. This can’t be good for me.”

“Hmm. The universe is trying to tell you something,” Thorn guessed, rummaging in the guard’s pocket. “Wear a helmet, perhaps. Or harden up. Eugh, this guy’s pocket is disgusting.”

With a jingle, Thorn pulled his prize out of the pocket - a ring of keys, which flew through towards me; with a glow of magic, I caught them, and turned them over.

“Which ones do the cells?”

“Probably all of them. But for now, could we use that little key,” Thorn nodded at his side, “And unlock this stupid brace? That way, I can go explore some more, try and find my coat, or something we can use.”

“Sure.” I floated the indicated key over to Thorn’s underside, and with a click, the clamp fell off and hit the ground with a clunk. Thorn flapped into the air triumphantly.

“Yeah! Feels good to fly again! Back in a bit, Dice. I’ll leave you to the cell unlocking.”

“Gotcha,” I agreed, taking the keys and trotting over to the nearest cell, as Thorn drifted out the door, hovering just above the ground. I looked at the ring of keys, and the cell; both were numbered, and each key had a different number.

Even if I had lost a few brain cells from my recent hit to the head, it didn’t impair my cell-unlocking ability, and the ponies within stirred as I located the right key and put it in.

“Bless you.”

“Thank you so much, mister Dice.”

“Do you need any help, Dice?”

“Uh, sure,” I nodded. “Could you put that guy” - I nodded at the human guard - “and stick him in a cell?”

“You got it, Dice,” a bigger, bright-orange earth pony agreed, trotting over and getting to work. Another pony, a unicorn like myself, got the wing-clamp key, and set about freeing the pegasi amongst us as I resumed unlocking cells.

The volume level gradually rose as ponies were freed, and I eventually came to the cell that contained my family. The other ponies bounced out the door past me, cheering quietly, leaving me with my relatives.

“You done good, son,” Snow nodded. “You’re makin’ us proud.”

“I’ve got the best big brother ever!” Glitter ran forward and gave me a big hug that pushed me back a few steps.

“Hey, easy!” I patted her on the back. “Go see the guy with the key, he can unlock you guys. I’m gonna see where we can go from here.”

My parents just nodded, and herded my sister in the right direction. I looked at the ponies that had been freed - there had only been a dozen or so of us in the truck, but our numbers had grown to almost four dozen ponies, milling about in the narrow walkway. Some were more dishevelled, having been here longer than us. Others had been caught alongside me, and were a great deal healthier.

One pony looked and saw me watching everyone, and tapped their neighbor on the shoulder. “Shh! Dice wants to say something!”

“I- what?” I blurted, even as a wave of silence ripped through the small herd, every pony listening to me. “I was just gonna ask if anypony knows anything about this place.”

A quiet murmur broke out as pones collaborated facts, and one put his hoof up - the earth pony who’d moved the body for me.

“Hey, we got somepony who knows a bit more about this room than the rest of us!”

The crowd parted, to show me a small unicorn colt, who stepped forward shyly. He looked back at the big earth pony, who nodded encouragingly.

“Go on, Blue. Tell Dice what you know.”

The small, light-blue colt coughed, and spoke up. “Mister Dice, I been here for a few months now. I seen a lot of ponies and a few humans go in and out of here.” A blue hoof pointed at the door behind him. “That door leads to where all the humans are - they always come from and go back to that area.”

“That’s the door Thorn went through,” I murmured. “What about this door?” I asked, pointing behind me.

“That door leads somewhere else,” Blue mumbled. “A lot of ponies go that way. None of them come back.”

“An exit?”

“I don’t think so,” Blue said, giving it to me straight. “Humans come back. Ponies don’t.”

“Thanks,” I nodded. “Big help, Blue.”

The colt just blushed and looked at his hooves as the orange earth pony patted him on the back. I sat down and rubbed my chin in thought, then stopped.

“Why is everyone so quiet?”

“Well,” one pony from the front row, “We’re waiting for you to decide what we do next.”

“What?” I got back up again, stepping backwards involuntarily. “I - I’m no leader, I barely know what I’m doing!”

“Better than most of us,” muttered another pony from the middle of the pack. “You seem to be doing better than I could, at any rate.”

“No, that’s all Thorn’s work.”

“Well, Thorn’s not here,” pointed out the front-row pony. “You’re it. So where to?”

“Uh...” I looked at the two exits to the prison area; the mysterious, no-pony-comes-back-alive door, or the maybe-filled-with-humans door. “I think... we go that way.” I pointed over the herd. “I dunno what’s behind me, but I don’t think it’d be a good idea for any of us.”

Murmured agreement filled the air, and the herd began making its way to the far door. I followed, passing the cell of the KO’d human guard - he was still taking a dirt nap, and an idea came to mind.

“Hey, somepony mind giving me a hand relieving this guy of his things?”

======

I led the way down the corridor - my steps were a bit heavier than expected, thanks to the borrowed body armor and equipment, but between that and the cattle prod, I felt ready to handle anything.

For some reason, I felt uncomfortable holding the handgun - as a human, I had no such qualms, but as a pony, I just felt... ill. Uneasy. I shook my head, and peered around the next intersection; the maze of maintenance tunnels was large and borderline labyrinthine, white cinderblock walls framed by pipes on the ceiling, and painted color lines on each wall.

I saw no humans anywhere, but I did see a green sign, with the universal symbol for fire exit on it, and waved a hoof in the air. I heard the rest of the group creep forward cautiously, making as little noise as possible. One set of hooves kept going, until they were next to me; I gave it a quick glance, to see it was my father, Snow Flake.

“What’s up, Dad?”

“Just want to say, you’re doing a great job. Where are we going?”

“Well,” I nodded at the fire exit sign. “I’m following these things. Fire exits gotta lead outside, right?”

“Wise thinking.” Snow nodded.

“I don’t suppose anypony’s seen Thorn?”

“Chord Thorn? Not a feather,” Snow confessed. “I’m sure he’ll find us, though - we’re doing our best, but close to fifty ponies walking on concrete floors is anything but quiet, no matter how hard we try.”

“Well, let’s press on,” I suggested. “I think we’re almost out of here. Blue, any luck with that cellphone?”

Perched on the back of the big orange earth pony, Blue sat with the other thing I’d purloined from the human guard - his cellphone. Being a touch-screen model, Blue was ironically the only one of us who even had a chance at manipulating the screen; us unicorns couldn’t get our magical touch to register on the device, to say nothing of how concentrating magic on the phone made it flicker and buzz irritably.

“I’m trying, mister Dice,” Blue replied, “I think I got the internet thing working.”

“Great!” I turned around. “Glitter, could you help him open the voice chat program? I realize it’s a bit silly to be making a call like this now, but if there’s anypony out there who can help...”

Glitter nodded and flew back; almost immediately, she fluttered back to me, Blue on her back, holding the phone.

“What’s the nickname I need to call?” Blue asked.

“Call a guy by the name of ‘Unibro’. He works in a Conversion Bureau, perhaps he can send help.”

“This sounds like a bit of a long shot,” muttered Snow, “Are you sure your friend really works in a Bureau?”

“Yes, Dad, sheesh.” I rolled my eyes. “Anything, Blue?”

“It’s dialing!”

“Great - pass it here, please?”

Blue held the phone out, and I gingerly took it in my magic, holding it up to my ear. A soft click, and the call connected.

“Hello? Who are you, plank masta sixty-nine, and why are you calling me?”

“Unibro!” I said, quickly. “It’s me, Dice!”

“Dice? What are you doing on some random chump’s account?”

“Dice! I need a favor - I’m with about fifty ponies, and we’re escaping from an HLF base or something!”

“Saints alive, Dice - you really don’t piss about, do you? What’s going on? Do you need help?”

“I think we might need it. At least, need a ride. Police, maybe.”

“I can do that. I think I can also do one better, and send some of the local Bureau security over to... wherever it is you are. Is that a good idea?”

“Probably, yeah.”

“Hmm. So who are they going against? HLF, right? Organized, or just... rabble?”

“Well, might be HLF - Thorn mentioned that so far, this isn’t very HLF of whoever captured us.”

“This Thorn guy’s got a point. HLF don’t usually take prisoners. I’ll assume Organized HLF, but... yeah. Wait one.”

I nodded. “Thanks. Keep me posted.” I looked at the ponies around me, and nodded. “Okay, let’s keep moving.”

I led the way further along the corridor, following the fire exit markers, listening to the sounds of mumbled conversation in the background of the call. The phone rattled as someone picked up.

“You still there, Dice?”

“I’m here.”

“Southport Bureau Security are on their way. I’ve told ‘em to take out all the stops, and bring all their medics and toys. Police are also on their way to your location, and are invoking Bureau protocol to authorize a raid without human government authorization - It’s legal trickery, and the raid will become invalidated, but you’ll get that help pronto.”

“Thanks, Unibro,” I whispered, edging up to the next intersection. “I really owe you one.”

“Anything for a friend. Pop over to Bay City sometime, pay me back with a drink or something. I’ll keep this line open if you need anything else.”

“Will do.” I poked my head around the corner, and spotted what we’d been looking for the whole time; twin, red doors, marked ‘fire exit’. I waved everypony else closer. “Guys, we’ve found the exit. Almost out of here.”

“Thank Celestia,” breathed one pony. “Let’s get out of here!”

The ponies followed my lead, as I ran over to the door and pushed it open; a straight staircase led upwards, and I saw the green light of the fire exit sign above another door. I looked at the staircase as well, and couldn’t spot any obvious traps like tripwires, so I waved everypony forward.

The doors cludded open, and we stumbled into a vast warehouse; plexiglass skylights filled the room with sunlight, doors dotted the sides of the mostly empty warehouse along with small piles of sheet metal, and in the middle of the room...

“Well,” I muttered, “I guess we know where we are now, don’t we?”

The rhythmic sound of metal on metal filled the air, as one of the two humanoid figures standing in the middle of the warehouse clapped, chromed, mannequin-perfect features regarding us from atop a chrome, suited torso, robotic butler at his side. Two synthetic, red eyes regarded me critically, an unreadable enigma.

“Bravo, Dice Roller. I was wondering how long it’d take you to get here,” Lexicon said. “Welcome to the ‘Beyond’ part of Bed, Bath and Beyond.”

A/N: Wild Cards by Aegis Exemplar - Coming soon to fanfiction near you.