Celestia took a moment, considering how to attack this one.

Ask a question. It worked last time.

Right then.

“Twilight. In the entire time you’ve lived here with me, have you ever known me to have a special somepony?”

“Umm…no?”

“Do you have any idea why that might be?”

‘Because there’s nopony special enough’ would have been Twilight’s first answer, but she didn’t think the Princess would like that, so she just shook her head mutely.

“Well, you see Twilight, I wasn’t always the Princess of Equestria, but I’ve been at the center of it, guarding and guiding my little ponies for a…a very long time now.”

Celestia considered her next words carefully. Don’t want to sound bitter, after all. “I love this place, and my people, and it is my greatest joy to watch them live and grow and change, but sometimes…it gets to be a little much. Sometimes I just want a little space to myself. A place, or thing, or a bit of time that can just be my own, without anyone else knowing about it.” Or reporting it in the daily news. “And one those things, for me, is my, ah, personal relationships. With my special someponies.”

“Oh.” Twilight’s ears fell back in shame as she remembered that she was interrupting the Princess’s private special thing. Fortunately, curiosity overcame, as it always did with her. “Wait. Somepon…ies?” she asked. Then, with rising excitement, “There’s more than one!? You can do that?”

Celestia raised a silencing hoof, but smiled to soften it. “It has been known to happen. But the point is, Twilight, and you may have guessed this already, I am one of those ponies for whom this is a tricky subject.”

Twilight squirmed a bit. Probably upset for making me talk about it. Best to keep going.

“It’s not that I don’t have special someponies, and…” Say it you wimp! “Sex. I most certainly do.” Not as much as I’d like, but anyway. “And of course, there is nothing wrong with being open about it, if you want. It just isn’t something I’ve ever been comfortable revealing to other people. Understand?”

Twilight nodded, thinking of that strand of divine mane she was slightly embarrassed for reasons she didn’t quite understand to be hiding in her bags.

“And that, I’m afraid, is the problem. You see, when some ponies look at me, they don’t see just a pony, exactly. They see a…” Celestia waved a hoof, searching for the right term. “An ideal. A symbol. To them, I’m a shining pillar of all things pure and good and Equestrian. Not so much a person, but a Princess. Their pretty, perfect, pristine, Princess.”

Twilight nodded again, wondering if the Princess were somehow implying that she might not be those things.

“They see that I never married, that I never openly date, that I never engage in any sort of ‘scandalous’ behavior,” not publicly anyway, “and sometimes they get the wrong idea about those things. They try to follow my example, without thinking, without really understanding why I do those things. Sometimes they start thinking that no one should talk about what they and their someponies get up to, behind closed doors. Er, sex, that is. Or maybe they start thinking that those things are just bad. It’s not their fault really. They’re just trying to make me happy, after all. But thinking other ponies are wrong or bad just for being different than me…” Celestia shook her head, a slight frown marring her usual serenity. “It can be very hurtful to those different ponies. And it gets out of hoof sometimes. It makes ponies start doing strange, silly things. Things like, I don’t know, banning dancing between colts and fillies, or…” Celestia looked down at Twilight with a compassionate little smile. “Telling their foals that proper young ladies don’t talk about such things.

Twilight didn’t smile back, but she nodded.

Celestia forged ahead. “And whenever that nonsense starts happening too much, I always go out of my way,” to say nothing of my comfort zone, “to put a stop to it.”

That one had turned out to be a fun decade. A fun, sexy decade...Anyway.

“So you shouldn’t have to worry about any of that from now on. Ok?”

“Ok.” Now Twilight smiled, assured that, as always, the Princess would make it all better.

Last time this came up, Celestia had made use of the ever fashion-conscious nobility. Knowing they would take anything she said and run with it, she’d gathered a captive audience of the more liberal bourgeoisie and let slip her fondness for a certain book. The same little book that was now resting on her table. The one with the pictures. Why yes, her courtiers had all agreed, it certainly was liberating to finally see a book written about this subject. And they would all certainly be purchasing one immediately. That little stunt had solved the problem practically overnight. And made the Grand Galloping Gala worth attending for once.

“And so,” said Celestia. “Here we are. I suppose you have some questions?”

Twilight had many, but she decided to focus on the thing that had most been on her mind for some time now.

“Um,” began the student, readying her notepad. “How does doing sex actually work?”

Ha. ‘Doing sex.’ Adorable.

“Right. So…”

The discussion of the act itself; establishment of proper terminology, explanation of what went where, how babies were actually made, precautions that must be taken to prevent said babies and so forth, went reasonably smoothly. It was only after Celestia foolishly invited her damnably inquisitive student to ask questions about the various objects in the room that things got really uncomfortable. The ensuing conversation was both long and awkward. Here are some highlights.

“Ok, what do you do with this thing?” asked Twilight, enveloping the current object of her investigation in a purple field of magic and lifting it toward the Princess. It kind of reminded her of a smaller version of the foam floaty-toys she had needed to keep from sinking in the pool when she was younger. It was about as thick around as one of her hooves, and not quite as long as her arm. It was made of not-quite-opaque pinkish plastic.

“Please don’t! Touch. That…Twilight” The field around the toy went sharply from purple to golden as the Princess jerked it from Twilight’s hold and placed it back on the table. Twilight recoiled as if struck. Nice going, dummy. You’re supposed to be supportive. Apologize before the waterworks start!

“I’m sorry Twilight. It was wrong of me to snap at you. This one is just…” Just the one thing I was hoping against hope you wouldn’t ask about. So of course you ran straight for it. “Well, never mind. So, this…” Celestia picked the offending object back up off the table and let it drift down to where Twilight could more easily see it. But not touch it. “This is a…” Celestia knew she should just say the words. Just put them out there, keep things simple, and move on. Don’t make it any more awkward than it needs to be. Somehow, though, she just couldn’t seem to bring herself to explain a sex-toy phallus to her student. Yes you can. You can do this. Celestia ran a hoof down her face, stomped it on the floor, and then, bending all of her eons-old will into this one effort, forced her tongue to obey.

“Well, sometimes when a mare, or a stallion, I suppose, is by herself and feeling lonely…”

Celestia made it all the way through her discourse before she realized her eyes were shut tight. She opened them and blinked. “Or you can just use your own hoof. Or, well, you can magic it, too.”

“Oh.” Said Twilight.

There was a moment of silence before she continued.

“Are they really that big?”

“That’s what clopping is?”

“Ah, yes Twilight.”

“And you do this with your hoof? In your—“

“Yes, Twilight.” Celestia was doing a lot of interrupting this evening.

Twilight picked one fore-hoof off the ground and pondered it. She glanced back at herself, and then again at the hoof.

Oh sweet pony-feathering skies above, thought Celestia. She’s thinking about it. She’s thinking about it right now, right in front of me!

Twilight turned her gaze back to Celestia, raising a suspicious eyebrow.

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

Celestia wasn’t really ready to go into the discussion of ‘good kinds of hurt,’ so she said “You’ll find those parts of yourself to be surprisingly resilient.” Yes indeed, they can take quite a pounding.

“Hmm.” Twilight pondered her hoof for another moment before placing back on the ground. She did not seem entirely convinced.

Twilight put both fore-hooves up on the table and craned her neck, deciding what to ask about next.

“So what’s this stuff?” She asked, referring to a small container full of pale green salve. “Smells minty.”

“Ah, well, that’s…” Celestia deliberated over how best to explain. With a mental shrug, she dabbed a bit of it on her own hoof, and then lightly rubbed it onto Twilight’s fetlock. “Here. How does that feel?”

Twilight tilted her head and observed. “Oh! It’s cold! Kind of.”

“Yes. It will make anything you put it on feel cool like that. And make it a bit more…sensitive to touch. You can…” Oh, just say it, you sissy! “Well, it’s harmless, edible even. You can put it, ah, anywhere. It won’t hurt anything. It feels quite nice, in fact.”

“Neat!” said Twilight, shortly before licking it off her fetlock. She ran it over her tongue, and then poked at the affected spot on her leg experimentally with her other hoof. The feeling there was somehow both numbed and sharpened at the same time. It was kind of intense. “Wait, where else would you put this stuff?”

Another, larger crack formed in the façade of serenity Celestia was desperately trying to maintain. Her ear twitched a bit as she named a few likely places.

“So, you mentioned earlier, with the toy thing, that boys can use them too? But, I mean, they already have one right? So…”

“Oh, well Twilight, actually some stallions prefer the, ah, the company of other stallions. That is to say, they enjoy being mounted. As a stallion might mount a mare. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” That last part came out a little quicker than she’d intended. She watched as Twilight turned that one over in her mind for a bit. Please, please, just this once, just don’t ask…

“What do they do with it, though? Because you said the stallion puts his pe—“

“Yes,” interjected Celestia, while Twilight checked her notes.

“…in the mare’s vagi—“

“Mhm,” confirmed Celestia, jumping in again.

“But boys don’t have those. So, where does it go?”

The Mistress of Moon and Sun threw back what was left of her wine, poured another glass, and attempted to clarify stallion-on-stallion interactions to her student. And, to a lesser extent, mare-on-stallion interactions. Because some stallions like mares, but also like being mounted. And there was nothing wrong with that, either.

Twilight looked a bit dismayed, but all she said was…“Huh. I never even would’ve thought of that.”

“The whole thing? In your mouth? Really!?” exclaimed Twilight.

“Oh, well, if you can. That takes some practice.” Celestia responded airily. This was actually starting to get kind of fun. Or maybe she was just losing her mind. “If you can do it though, some lucky unicorn is going to love you forever. But don’t feel like you have to. It’s mostly the tip that counts anyway.”

“Wow. Ok.” Twilight glanced up, wondering what at other strange, unknown properties her horn might possess, and then scribbled Celestia’s words down in her notebook.

“It, ah, it works on the other ‘horn’ too. The one that isn’t magic.”

Twilight blinked at her, awaiting further explanation.

“The one only boys have,” said Celestia, pouring herself another glass of wine. “Between their legs.”

“You mean the pen—“

“Yes, dear,” Celestia interrupted again. She could tolerate saying the words herself, but her mind just wasn’t ready to accept hearing little Twilight talk about sex organs and their many wondrous qualities. It was with surprising ease then, that Celestia continued. “That particular act is colloquially known as a, ah, blow job.” There. See how easy that was? “It is considered by many fellows to be life’s greatest gift to stallion-kind.” Hrmm. Didn’t mean to say that part out loud.

“Don’t they um, don’t they go to the bathroom with that thing?” asked Twilight. It was the first bit of embarrassment she had shown this entire time.

“Why, yes. Yes they do. It’s a very versatile appendage.” Celestia shrugged with a little smile.

Twilight stared at her silently for a moment.

“Is sex always so gross?”

Celestia stared back. And then she just laughed; a clear, happy, cathartic guffaw that finally shattered what was left of her serene facade and ended with the Princess wiping away a little tear or two. Oh, my, I needed that.

Twilight wasn’t sure what she had said that was so funny, but at least the Princess was happy now.

“Yes! Yes, I’m afraid so Twilight. That’s part of its charm, really. I hate to use this phrase, but this really is one those things you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Aww.”

“But,” Celestia leaned in conspiratorially, “while we’re on the subject of gross things you can do with your mouth, let’s talk about mares…”

After expounding on this subject perhaps a bit more than was entirely necessary, Princess Celestia ended with…

“…and if you can do that, it’ll be stallions and mares and unicorns who love you forever.”

“Ew,” responded Twilight.

“Ok, so unicorns have the horn thing, and pegasus…es have their wing thing. What do earth ponies have?”

“An excellent question, Twilight,” began Celestia, charitably ignoring her student’s mispronunciation of ‘pegasi.’ “The best known feature of earth ponies is their wonderful insatiability. They can just go on and on.” She sighed, smiling. “They have no special anatomical features, though they do seem to enjoy a bit of ear nibbling more than most.”

“Hmm. Um, what’s ‘in-say-shya-b…’ Twilight’s face screwed up in confusion as she tried to write out a word she had never heard before.

“Insatiability? It means unable to be satisfied. In this context, it means they really like to fu…*ahem.* That is, they are very enthusiastic and long-lasting partners.” Maybe it’s time to stop drinking, thought Celestia, pondering her surprisingly empty glass. Her tongue seemed to be taking its new freedom a bit far.

Twilight had been avoiding one particular object in the room. The Princess was known to be sensitive about this subject. Alas, it seemed so out of place that Twilight’s curiosity had finally overcome, and she just had to ask.

“Is that a cake?”

Celestia followed her student’s eyes to gaze longingly at the pastry in question. It was smallish and round, built of three moist and delicious tiers, each a different, more magnificent flavor than the last. It was glazed in intricate, mouth-watering patterns of delicate white and cream-colored icing. A baker’s masterwork, perfection in confectionery form. “Yes,” she sighed wistfully. “Yes it is.”

“…”

“…”

“Moving right along then,” said Celestia, finally breaking her reverie. “What else did you want to ask about?”

Having determined that further details of the cake situation were not to be discussed, Twilight grabbed a random object and asked, “What’s um…Hm. What is this thing?”

Twilight had finally discovered the book. The one with the pictures. Celestia watched over her student’s shoulder as she absorbed page after page of increasingly improbable sex acts. It was a wonder it had taken so long for her to find it; Twilight usually honed in on anything with text.

Turning to a new chapter, Twilight stopped short.

“Is that a griffon?”

“Indeed, it is,” responded her teacher, swirling the contents of her wine glass.

“And it’s with a, um, with a pony there?” asked Twilight, pointing to the drawing in question.

“Quite so.”

“Can that really happen? I mean, do ponies do that? With griffons?”

Celestia, choosing not to divulge the extent of her experience with that particular subject, replied “They make a rather rare pairing, but yes, it does happen from time to time.”

“Wow. Can they make babies like that?”

“A fine question, Twilight. Yes they can. I’ve met a few in my time, but they’re even more rare than the parents who make them. They’re called hippogriffs. They’re like griffons, except the lions parts are pony parts instead.”

“Neat!”

Twilight continued leafing through the book.

“I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one of these before.”

“Ah,” said Celestia, seriously considering finishing off this glass immediately. “That particular creature is called a minotaur. I would suggest keeping your distance from those. They can be…” egotistical jerks who can’t even be bothered to write after you show them the best weekend of their stupid jerk life! “Difficult. And quite large.” Perhaps their only positive feature.

“Yeah, I, uh, I noticed that part.”

Twilight skipped through the next few pages, looking for the next chapter. Upon reading the title and taking in the accompanying picture, she slowly closed the book and slid it away. She looked a bit ill.

“I think I’m done with this one.”

Celestia suppressed a giggle. It appeared that ‘Dragons, Ponies, and the Making of Love Between Them’ was a bit much for her. I’d think she would’ve loved that one. Takes quite a bit of magic to make that coupling work.

And then, finally, it was done. Once Twilight had exhausted her inquiries, Celestia extracted from her a promise that she please, please, please not go out and try any of this before she was absolutely certain that she was ready. Except the stuff she could do alone, because that was her own business anyway. Twilight had readily agreed, her mind far too busy bubbling over with new information to even start pondering how to put it all into practice.

Celestia spoke as she walked her student to the door.

“Now, if you have any more questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me. And I’ll inform the librarian that you are to be allowed into the Blue wing of the library from now on.” And no finer a repository of erotic art and literature shall you ever find. “Ok?”

“Yay!” Twilight had always wondered what was in there. There were several wings of the library that she wasn’t allowed into yet, but the Blue Wing had always carried a special mystery. Mostly because the guards suddenly got nervous whenever she mentioned wanting to go there. “And thank you. I, um, just one more thing, before I go? It’s just something you mentioned a few times…”

“Of course.”

Twilight hesitated, and then, with a face full of pure, genuine concern asked…

“Are you lonely?”

Celestia’s heart melted in her chest. “Oh Twilight. Of course not. I have…” Celestia stopped the platitude before it really had time to begin. This was an honest question, and it couldn’t have been easy to ask. It deserved an honest answer. “You don’t need to worry about me, Twilight. But thank you.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“Can you keep a secret Twilight?”

“…Yes?”

“Between you and me,” Celestia paused. “Sometimes, I can be in a room full of ponies, and feel like none of them really know me.”

Having spent so much of her life in the shadow of the most important political figure in Equestria, maybe the world, Twilight knew more about that feeling than she cared to think about. She nodded.

“But it’s ok, because I have friends to keep me company, Twilight. And, of course, I have you, my faithful student.” Celestia stepped in close for a quick nuzzle and whispered “And thank you for asking. It means a great deal to me.”

The faithful student was a bit taken aback, but she quickly recovered. She returned Celestia’s nuzzle.

“Off you go now,” said Celestia, nudging open the door with a wing. “And no more scary stories for you.”

Twilight trotted out into the hall, turning back once to glance again at her teacher. With one last happy little grin, she turned and scampered off back to her room.

It occurred to Celestia that Twilight might get lost. Poor girl had a terrible sense of direction. Well, she had made it here, somehow. Surely she could find her way back. She’d forgotten to ask how Twilight had even found this place…

A rustling issued from one of the couches in the antechamber, followed by a quick yawn, and the thumping of hooves on carpet. It wasn’t but a moment before Purple Prose stepped forward with a small bow and took a seat beside her.

Celestia watched her student canter down the hallway. “You’re still here,” she stated, with pleasant surprise.

“A pony would have to be a fool to abandon an evening with such a lady as yourself. Besides…” Prose fell into a very visible and sensuously exaggerated stretch, followed by a little yawn and a highly suggestive smirk. “A little wait only makes the reward sweeter.” When the Princess didn’t respond, Prose continued, somewhat more seriously. “Is all well, highness?”

Celestia blew out a long breath. “I just spent the last few hours telling my most talented student everything I know about sex.”

“Ahhh. Harrowing, I’m sure. Though, since you’ve brought it up…” said her date, raising one hoof contemplatively. “I could use a bit of a refresher on the subject myself. If only I had an experienced teacher…”

Celestia’s gaze slid over to meet the smiling eyes of the pony beside her. She slipped on her sauciest grin.

“So. Crown on, or off?”

Author's Notes:

Thus ends my very first bit of (published) creative writing. Huzzah! Hope you didn't think it was too terrible. But just in case, here's a list of people you can blame for the existence of this nonsense. Yell at them.

The inimitable Bad Horse, for writing the first fanfic I ever read. "The Magician and the Detective" proved to me that fan fiction can be every bit as enthralling as any 'real' writing.

The equally magnificent GapJaxie who inspired this story with his much superior "Regarding the Need for Sex Education."

And I'd be remiss to not mention the fine fellow who tricked me into reading and then writing this stuff in the first place, Spice of Life. This is all your fault.

On a side note, some people have asked about Purple Prose, and what that pony's deal is. Er, rather, what that pony's gender is...Fair enough, I was pretty vague about that. So, here's the story.
Prose originally had neither name nor gender; he/she/it/whatever was a complete cypher. The idea was to lead into a joke about how Celestia's date was Your OC Pony. Turns out though, that it's very difficult to write a character that is completely undefined. Thusly, I scrapped that idea, as much as I loved it, and gave the character a name. I left the gender indefinite because I thought it'd be fun to see how people imagined Prose without me telling them anything about him/her.
Despite my plans, Prose started taking on a form and personality for me. In my head, he's male, and if you'd like to know what he looks like, I might point you to a certain very interesting fellow. But you're free to imagine Prose however you wish. That was the original intent, after all.