The door closed with a quiet click. Not one full second later, Twilight started in.

“Um. Who was that, Princess?” Twilight turned from the door and took a quick step forward. “And, you’re ok right? Because I came looking for you because I had some questions about my ‘Metaphysics and You’ book but nopony was in the castle and I checked the throne room and nopony was there and then I went to your room and it was empty and so I thought it might be a grue or the Crooked Mare even though I know she’s not real but then I remembered all those stories I read about whole towns disappearing and I got real worried but then I found you here and you were dressed all funny and…” Twilight plopped her rump down on the floor and looked quizzically at her teacher. “I don’t think I understand what’s happening?”

Celestia took the time provided by Twilight’s ramble to try and accept that she wasn’t going to be having any fun tonight.

“I understand, Twilight, and I appreciate your concern, but yes, I’m ok.” She smiled ruefully from her refuge behind the bed. “And you’re right; the Crooked Mare isn’t real, and I banished the grues a long time ago. You never need to worry that they’ll get anyone. Though I seem to recall that we talked recently about reading scary stories before bedtime…”

Twilight blushed and quickly looked away, pawing the carpet in mild embarrassment.

“Oh, right. I, um. Right.”

“And everypony else is fine as well. I gave them the night off, is all. I wanted the castle to myself for a bit to, ah, visit. With a friend of mine.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, now staring at the floor in honest shame. She’d upset the Princess, butted in on her visit, and all because she’d been too dumb to finish her own homework. And then she’d gotten scared of some stupid kid’s story that wasn’t even true and now Princess Celestia was upset. But she wasn’t going to cry this time, because she was a grown up now.

“I’m sorry, Princess. I’ll just go and…”

Celestia put a smile into her voice and said “Oh, none of that now, my little pony. You haven’t done anything wrong. Chin up.”

Twilight looked up. She was surprised to find that the Princess still lay behind the bed. Usually, she would literally lift Twilight’s chin up with a hoof when she said something like that. Was she hiding back there? Could…could the Princess be embarrassed? Was that even possible?

Celestia caught Twilight’s confusion. She had just barely caught herself before she walked over there to comfort Twilight, panties and all. Right.

“Ah, one moment Twilight.”

Princess Celestia ‘blinked’ again. It was a proper teleport this time, just a little bend in space and time, instead of warping the entire world to her will like before. The universe was going to be a half-second or so off until she undid that…Regardless, Celestia reappeared behind a changing screen set up near the back of the room. Pausing to reflect on this, she wondered why her stupid spell hadn’t just put her there in the first place. Grumbling to herself over this and many other things, Celestia ran back through the list she had been so enjoying just minutes before.

1. Pretty jewelry and artfully applied make-up? She took it all off, piece by piece, then cleaned her face off with a towel. Uncheck.

2. Sexy underthings that had seemed like such a good idea at the time? Slipping out of all that, she tossed them onto the floor. She had really been hoping someone else would do that for her. Uncheck.

3. Crown? Dropped unceremoniously into the pile. Uncheck.

4. Those heels that showed off her plot so well? Off they went. Uncheck. Mane? Back to its usual pastel polychrome. Uncheck.

5. Room still full of really embarrassing paraphernalia? Check.

6. Enough booze around here to make her look like an unrepentant alcoholic? Check.

7. One frustrated-as-Tartarus princess who is totally not ready for this right now? Double check.

Celestia allowed herself one final bit of grousing, which took the form of a long, primal mental scream of divine vexation. That accomplished, she assumed her best Benevolent Mentor pose and strode, with great poise and magnanimity, out from behind the screen. Twilight was sitting up straight and rigid, ears and eyes forward, in a perfect rendition of a pose Celestia had come to know as Nervous but Attentive Student, Possibly in Trouble. The Princess had heard a little sniffle from Twilight while undressing, and could now see that her student’s eyes were limned in red. Her things: a book, writing tools, a saddlebag, were placed in a neat row beside her, ready for inspection. Poor thing must feel awful, thought Celestia, her previous irritation forgotten. Well, not forgotten really, but at least put into perspective.

Celestia smiled. “You aren’t in trouble Twilight. I told you that you could come find me and ask me anything, whenever you need, and I meant that.” Her student smiled a little at that, but couldn’t stop another little sniffle. “I just wasn’t expecting you tonight. But that isn’t your fault.” Celestia brushed Twilight’s chin with a wing. “Ok?”

Recovering with the speed that only the young can, Twilight smiled again, for real this time, and nodded. “Ok.”

“Good.” Celestia nodded her approval. And now, she thought, returning her wing to her side, for the hard part. She wished Luna were here. Luna had always been better at this…thing. Celestia was at a bit of a loss for how to even begin this conversation. “So…”

Twilight gazed up expectantly. Celestia looked down, perplexed. She glanced at the book her student had brought. She could ask about that. She could probably distract Twilight all night with that book. Maybe she’d even forget all about everything she’d seen in here tonight…

“…”

Coward.

Twilight was still looking up at her.

Errrgh. Just say something. Anything wi—

“You looked really pretty,” said Twilight, pawing the ground again and blushing madly. “Before you took all that stuff off. Were you, um, dressing up for some kind of party?”

Ah, well done, O mighty Celestia. Your decision to sit there like a doofus and be saved by a child was quite successful. Maybe when she gets older you can just hand off all your unpleasant tasks to her.

Wait, this is good! I can work with this!

“Well, not exactly, but tell me Twilight; do you have any other ideas about what was going on, before you opened the door?” That’s the ticket. Can’t go wrong with asking a question.

Her student frowned in thought.

“I, um, no, I don’t think so. But you said you were going to spend time with a friend, right?” She looked to Celestia for approval. When her teacher nodded, she continued. “And you jumped when you saw me come in, because you weren’t expecting me, so it was…a secret meeting? Like a surprise party or something?” Celestia felt a surge of pride for her student. That wasn’t precisely the case, of course, but it was a perfectly logical conclusion given what Twilight had to work with. “And you were dressed up like those pretty mares that were kissing and stuff in those magazines I found under my brother’s bed that one time and—”

Wait, what?

“—he got all upset when he saw me looking at them and made me promise not to tell Mom. Hmm.” Twilight paused a moment, placing a hoof under her chin as she searched for connections between the two events. “He didn’t tell me not to tell Dad though, so I asked him about it and he turned really red and said I should talk to Mom about that but I told him I couldn’t because Shining Armor made me promise and he said I should just ask her anyway but don’t say anything about the magazines and then he left real fast to go to some place called the Pub.”

Oh dear. A wry little smile slowly spread across Celestia’s face.

“Mom wasn’t home though, so I went and asked Miss Cadance about it. She got real giggly, especially after I told her about the magazines with all the pretty ladies in them, but then she said she didn’t know anything about that, but Mom would.” Twilight paused to breathe and rolled her eyes. “I think she might have been fibbing about not knowing anything. And she really wanted to know where Armor was keeping those books, which I thought was weird, but she wouldn’t say why, except that it was for a joke she wanted to play on him and then she made me promise not to tell him she knew about them. I never found out what she did to him…”

Still searching for some clue that she must have missed, Twilight’s train of thought chugged right along.

“So anyway, then Mom got back from her shopping trip with Ms. Whirly Wind and I asked her about why ponies would dress up in see-through clothes and do weird stuff to each other and Ms. Wind started laughing and Mom got all jittery like she was scared or something and…” Twilight’s face fell from intrigued enthusiasm to confused worry. “And she said that proper young ladies didn’t talk about such things.” Worry became hurt as Twilight’s gaze dropped to her hooves. “But, she would never tell me why. And she got mad when I tried to ask again later.” She looked up to meet Celestia’s gaze. “Is that true? Do proper young ladies not talk about some things? Am I…is it bad to ask about this?”

The smile froze on Celestia’s lips. She favored Twilight with a long look while she worked out an approach to this situation. She had watched Twilight’s face run through many emotions in the last few moments. Genuine curiosity and confusion, enthusiasm, minor annoyance, and, at the end there, no small amount of pain. But no shame. No fear that she was wrong or dirty for wondering about these things. Not until she had been told she was.

“Was that all your mother said, Twilight? That proper ponies don’t talk about some things?”

“Um, no.”

She didn’t continue. From a filly who loved to expound as much as Twilight, that silence spoke volumes. An angry little fire lit up deep in Celestia’s chest. This would not do. Twilight Velvet and Night Light would soon be on the receiving end of a long, serious talk about what they were teaching their daughter about life. But her student didn’t need to know about any of that right now. Celestia wasn’t really angry at them, after all. Just a bit disappointed.

“Well,” began Celestia, laying down and raising a wing with a gracious, inviting smile. She forced a bit of levity into her voice. “That’s an easy one.” She waited for Twilight to trot over and curl up by her side before she continued. “There is nothing, at all, that is bad or improper about wanting to know more about the world. Even things like why some ponies might want to dress up in see-through clothes and do weird stuff with each other.”

Twilight nodded, correctly anticipating that her teacher wasn’t done talking.

“The thing is, Twilight, this one can be a difficult subject for some ponies.”

“Like calculus?”

Celestia smiled at that. “No, not exactly. Calculus is difficult because it makes use of concepts that are somewhat outside the natural pony mindset. This one is more of a…social situation. There is nothing more natural in the world, but many ponies find it very unpleasant to talk about. And, unfortunately, your mother’s opinion that ‘proper young ladies’ don’t speak of such things can be fairly common.”

“Um.” Twilight raised a hoof.

“Yes?”

“There’s nothing more natural than wanting to dress up funny and kiss other ponies?”

A tiny crack ran through Celestia’s serene visage. “Ah, many ponies feel that way, yes.”

“But they don’t like to talk about it?”

“Well, not that specifically…”

“So…” Twilight thought that maybe the Princess was waiting for her to figure this out on her own, or ask the right question, or something. “What is it that they don’t like talking about then?”

The crack widened. “Ah. Right.” Celestia realized at this point that she hadn’t ever clarified that, as though she could get through this discussion without ever actually saying the word. “So. What some ponies have trouble talking about is s…” Her Divine Majesty’s tongue sort of seized up. She blinked and tried again. “Sssse…*cough.*” Twilight looked up at her dubiously.

Why is this so hard? Just moments ago your imagination was positively dancing with naughty thoughts.

Perhaps because this is Twilight Sparkle, your darling student, and perhaps you were secretly hoping that she’d never grow up and you would get to keep her as an innocent little girl forever?

Ah, right. Would it be so much to ask to have just a few more years?

Yes! Now get going! You’re supposed to setting a good example! And stop talking to yourself.

Right.

Celestia composed herself and tried to ignore how terribly uncomfortable this conversation was making her. “Sss-sex! They have trouble talking about sex! Do you know what that is Twilight?” An awkward, lopsided grin completed the sorry display.

Twilight blinked and raised an eyebrow at the Princess’s very strange behavior, but obediently recited what little she knew.

“Like, what happens when two special someponies who are happily married, or soon to be happily married at least, love each other very much and want to make babies?”

“Yes!” Celestia nodded, a little more enthusiastically than was entirely necessary. “Mostly. Very good Twilight!” A beat passed.

“Sssssssssooo…” Twilight looked down as she started putting the pieces together: Princess Celestia dressed up like one of those mares in the magazines. A secret party with only one other pony. Making babies…”OHMYGOSH!! Was that your special somepony!? Are you getting married!? Will there be babies!? Can I be a bridesmare!? This is so excit—“

Princess Celestia thumped her free wing against her head a few times while Twilight gabbled on in the strange bliss that inevitably overtook all potential bridesmares.

“Twilight?”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

“Twilight, pay attention. I am not getting married. There will be no babies.”

“Eeeeee—wait, huh? But, I thought that…”

“Yes, I know dear. Lesson one: Sex isn’t always for making babies. Nor…” Celestia sighed. “Nor must it involve marriage or be done with a special somepony.”

“But…” Twilight’s face scrunched up in confusion. “That’s what everypony who will talk about it says. What is it then? I mean, why do you..? Hm.”

“Well, often it is for making babies, and it certainly can be between two loving someponies, but sometimes we do it just…Well, just for fun. Like say, maybe a certain mare has been extra busy lately and is feeling a bit over-worked and lonely and just wants a bit of non-committal company for the evening.” Hmm. Didn’t mean to say all that...Maybe Twilight won’t notice. “That’s perfectly fine too.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, giving the Princess an odd look. “Sex is fun, then? And you can just do it with whoever you feel like?”

“Yes. Wait, no! Not exactly.” This conversation was getting away from her.

“Oh. Hm. So, why is it hard for ponies to talk about then?"

“Well, that’s a big question, Twilight, and it’s one that’s hard for me to answer, you see, because it started a long time ago. And,” Celestia huffed out another little sigh, “to my profound and continual distress, I am at least partially to blame for it.”