”Without going out of my door
I can know all things on Earth
Without looking out of my window
I could know the ways of Heaven”

The Inner Light George Harrison

Dear Applejack,

I need to talk to you, but I can’t, so I’m writing this to you. I may not give it to you but I need to say it…

There are things that happen in life that make you re-evaluate everything you thought you knew. When something happens that makes the things you thought were important suddenly seem trivial, you wonder what else about yourself you have been wrong about.

It’s close to 3 o'clock in the morning and you’re all I’ve thought about for the last 17 hours. Seeing you lying there so helpless, with the tubes coming out of you just terrifies me. I think about what kind of pony you are, how you are always there putting others first, and usually it’ seems like it’s me. If anything happens to you, if you don’t pull through, and I know you’d call that “stinkin thinkin” but I don’t know what I’ll do.

I can’t write down here what I’m feeling because I don’t know if I’m ready to admit it to myself. I have the feelings but I don’t have the words. It’s hard to think about them and I need to lie now and say that I’m not sure what they are, I think because the truth is too hard to accept.

I've discovered how important you are in my life. You are so smart, courageous, strong and so steady (and SO stubborn!) I worry about all my friends, especially when I think of all the dangerous things we've done. If I were to lose Rainbow, or Fluttershy or Pinky or Rarity, my life would never be the same, it would leave a hole in the world, and in my heart but I think with help from each other, we could all get through it.

Somehow though now it seems different, maybe it’s because you’re really hurt, I don’t know, but if I lost you it would be more than losing a part of my strength, of my life and my world, it would be losing a very special part of my heart, one that I don’t know if I could live without.

Why did it take this for me to see how much I love you?

Because I’ve always known how much I loved you. That’s not really it is it? It’s a little different. Okay, a lot different. I have feelings that I just don’t understand. There are feelings that have me confused about you and me. I look at you lying in my bed, seriously hurt, maybe dying, and I want to comfort you.

Oh great, now I’m crying again, but I just want to climb into bed next to you and hold you, and if you died I would gladly die there with you, as long as you were in my arms.

There are so many things I want to tell you and when I think of what they are, it scares me. I mean, I love all 5 of you but when I think about you, and telling you that I love you, I imagine myself standing there, looking into her your beautiful green eyes, and then before I know it, I hear my heart say that “all that I am loves you, with all my heart and soul, and I don’t want to live unless you’re in my life.’

It’s a different love, one that I have no experience with. Maybe the sort of love my brother feels for Cadence. Until this accident I had no idea I had these feelings.

That is a lie and you are the element of truth and would not want me to lie. I’ve never thought about mares in that way, but with you it’s different. I had just figured that one day I would find a smart and strong steed and we would marry and have foals. I will still probably have to do that unless I can find courage that I’m afraid I don’t have, that I’ve never had. Facing Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord, even Trixie, took all the courage I thought I had, but it was nothing compared to this. Courage is facing something even though you’re terrified of it. I guess it’s why I’ve never faced this. I was so afraid of the truth behind my feelings but mostly of losing you if I told you, so I never told myself. Some Princess huh?

Now that I’m facing those feelings I need to see if I have the courage to tell you. If I can’t then I might be able to live with it as long as you were in my life. I’m sure if I told everypony how I feel I would probably be outcast by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, and considered unfit to be a Princess.

I’ve thought a lot about this since I know that it is not that simple. As a Princess, I have very serious responsibilities to Equestria and if I gave it up, if I abdicated, it could cause a lot of problems. Equestria has enemies who would certainly take advantage of any disruption in the royal hierarchy. Could I walk away from it to always be with you, to love you and try to make you happy? I could, for me I would, gladly, but I have so many depending on me.

It would be a lie to say that I didn’t have any idea about being made an Alicorn or a princess one day, but not so soon. My true dream would be for you to rule beside me. I could do so much for you and, well, I’d be going to you all the time anyway for help.

I never thought anything was more important than my studies, or what Princess Celestia thought of me, but then there was this accident and everything is different. I love you Applejack that love dwarfs everything I used to think was important.

I guess the newest and most confusing part is, the physical part. When I think about how much I want you, you know - that way - I expect myself to feel incredible self-loathing and disgust. But I don't, I look at you there with the bandage on your head and the tubes and I want to do more than hold your hoof and comfort you, I want to hold you close to me, next to me, feeling your warmth and giving you mine. I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s wrong and to just stop thinking this way But Applejack it won’t stop and I can’t lie to myself about it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to tell you, or if I’ll always have to keep it inside. I only know that since the accident my life and what I value has changed and I will never be the same.