Try to realise it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you

-George Harrison (Harristallion?)

The sky had begun to turn dark gray and out of the window Twilight watched the crisp brown leaves fall as the wind pulled them from the branches and scattered them around the village. She looked back at her friend and the tubes that were connected to her arm and came out from under the quilt. There was a wire that came out from the hospital gown and into the heart monitor. The accident had only occurred several hours ago but it felt like years.

She looked at her friend’s face, her lustrous coat of deep rich orange, the tone of which always reminded her of the delicate orchids they grew in the hot houses in Canterlot. The irony was inescapable – as different as orchids and Applejack. The thought made her smile. Twilight remembered how Applejack's coat exhibited a range of subtle color changes as the ambient light varied. It would go from rust to a lighter blonde-orange to a deep dark tone that was almost auburn. Twilight has to admit to herself that would have been jealous had that coat been on anypony other than Applejack. She thought about her laughing and running.

She thought about the quiet times when after the girls had been at the farm for a picnic or to help out or for a party and the others had either gone home or were staying over at the farm and gone to bed. She and Applejack would sit up and talk quietly. Applejack had showed a side of herself that very few knew about, not even Rainbow Dash. It was a quiet contemplative side, so different from the confident boisterous pony they all thought they knew. It was where her strength came from.

She talked about losing her parents, a topic that nopony ever broached; she talked about not getting any blue ribbons at that one rodeo, something that still bothered her deeply. Letting others down was something she would do anything to prevent. Her decision to leave Ponyville had been one of the hardest she had ever made, but once she'd made enough prize money she could send it. Maybe then think about going back. She had to admit to herself deep inside that she knew her friends would come looking for her and with all the pressure on her to win the blue ribbons she needed to know the depth of their friendship. Even so she wouldn't return to Ponyville until she'd made the money she said she'd bring back.

She talked about how hard it had been growing up while trying to raise Applebloom and take care of the farm. Big Mac was the only reason she was able to cope. He broke his back every day to get the heavy lifting done and keeping all the equipment working which left everything else to her. But most of all she talked about how much she missed her Mom and Dad. Applejack was not the first young pony to be orphaned and she wouldn't be the last, but something in her character made her extremely vulnerable at that point in her life. She had just been opening up to the world that her Mom and Dad had done their best to prepare her for. Whatever was out there she knew that there was always a safe place at home in their arms.

Twilight sat there listening, the tears rolling freely down her face. Unable to stand it she wrapped her arms around her friend and rocking her gently, spoke quietly "Applejack, I would never even try to replace parents as wonderful as yours, but as long as I live there will always be a warm hug here that will be as safe a place as I can give and it will always be there for you"

It was during those talks that Twilight shared things she’d never told anypony, about how painful her childhood had been, how lonely. Shining Armor was much older than she and was very athletic, and involved in sports at school, and while they did spend most of their free time together, that time got to be less and less at a time when Twilight found herself needing him more and more.

Her parents were there but they were intensely focused on fostering Twilight’s special gifts and developing her as a prodigy. Then there were her classmates. The other students had been very jealous of her relationship with Princess Celestia and there was no small amount of teasing and bullying. They’d made a point of embarrassing her at every opportunity, so for most of the social functions at the academy she was either tired, sick or “just not feeling well.”

Princess Celestia had tried to help her but Twilight insisted that everything was fine. She spent time in the library reading and studying.

Then one day a letter arrived addressed to her. It was in a very elegant envelope and her name was written in calligraphy. It was an invitation to a formal party celebrating the birthday of one of her classmates. She squealed with excitement and delight. After being ignored and bullied, they were finally being nice to her, accepting her. It was a day she’d hope for since school had started. She and her mother selected her first gown and then her mother had taken her hair done for the first time. They selected a crystal pony as a gift.

All dressed up and ready, she went over to the pony’s house and nervously standing there holding the gift, she knocked. The door opened.

“Hello,” it was the girl’s mother. “My, don’t you look nice, please come in.”

Twilight thanked her and came in. As she entered the living room, she saw that everypony was dressed casually. Slowly all the conversations stopped and everypony turned to look at her. The pony whose birthday they were celebrating went up to her and gave her a look of profound distaste.

“What are you doing here?" she asked annoyed, "I didn’t invite you. Is this some kind of a joke?”

Twilight stepped backwards until she felt the screen door behind her. From across the street they heard laughter. It was some of the ponies from her school. The girl realized what was going on, she yelled over at them “Do you think this is funny? Sending her over here? Some kind of joke on me?” Then she turned to Twilight “How did they ever get YOU to do this? I thought you were so smart but you let them talk you into this?”

Then she noticed the tears in Twilight's eyes.

The corners of her mouth turned up into a cruel smile “Ohhhh, you thought you were really invited, they fooled you into thinking you were invited to my birthday party.” The tone of her voice made it clear it was the most unlikely of events one could imagine.

“Look Twilight,” she spoke the name begrudgingly, “next time anyone from school sends you an invitation to a party, do yourself a favor and check to see if it’s real, because it’s probably not.”

Twilight stood there, her throat hurting, looking down at the blurry ribbons on the present and how they curled around so prettily and how her mother had showed her how to scrape the sides to make them curl like that.. and now trying so hard not to cry. She felt a tear drop from her eye and saw it land on the tissue paper gift wrapping. Twilight could not look at them but she could hear them, snickering and quietly making comments “H-happy birthday,” she said, looking at the ground and handing over the carefully wrapped gift.

Everything got quiet again. “Goodnight,” Twilight said, her eyes still cast downward. And with that she turned and walked back towards the school. She had her own set of keys to the library and went in. She lay down on a couch and cried until she fell asleep.

Halfway through the story Applejack could see where it was going. She took Twilight in her arms and held her as Twilight, between sobs, finished telling her what she’d never shared with anypony. Applejack and Twilight stayed like that for awhile after they had both stopped crying and rested quietly.

Twilight talked about how the Mane Six meant more to her than just about anything in her life. They talked about their lives and their fears; they talked about their friends and their hopes.

She thought of the times the two of them had gone on long walks through Ponyville and the surrounding countryside. There was that one late night conversation at the farm. It had been Fluttershy’s birthday and everyone had slept over. She and Applejack were sitting in the kitchen finishing up some Apple Wine and were talking the time after Applejack’s parents had died and how she’d left the farm to move to Manehattan and live with her Aunt and Uncle.

“How bout I show you some of what I learned there. They sent me to Miss Trottington’s Academy for Young Mares, one of the very posh schools in the city. I took tons of classes in posture, diction, speech, manners, and what all.

“Sure, AJ,” she said, just to be polite.

Applejack took a deep breath and drew herself up, squaring back her shoulders and lifting her chin up. It took Twilight aback. Then her face completely transformed, starting with her eyes, then her cheeks then her mouth. Twilight had never seen anything like it in her life. She looked down at Twilight, her eyes harboring a cruel but subtle deprecation and her mouth was a small smile- benevolent, condescending, and more than a little chilly.

“Good evening Miss Sparkle, how nice of you to join us. And tell me, how fare’s your brother…Shining Armor, isn’t it?” Not a hint of twang, very cool, very sophisticated, very Manehattan. Twilight had never felt so inadequate, or so intimidated. With those few words this Mare, and it was by no means Applejack anymore, had not only told her that the only reason she had been invited was to repay a large favor to a friend, but that the only reason anypony in Canterlot knew anything about Twilight was because she was moderately talented and had, who knows how, amused the Princess, who had taken her in out of pity. Finally this mare was having an illicit affair with her brother!

It was one of the few times Twilight had cursed purely from shock.

“Sweet fucking Celestia!” She immediately clapped her hoof over her mouth. “I did NOT just say that!” They each mirrored the others drop-jawed shock before bursting into laughter., Twilight watched gratefully as her Applejack returned. “I can’t believe that was you!! It was like you turned into a completely different pony! I’ve never seen anything like it!” Twilight thought back to that crazy slumber party she’d had with Applejack and Rarity, when a branch had crashed through the window. Her two guests were about to start throwing punches.

“Ya’ll are wondering about why I didn’t get like that with Rarity at the sleepover. Well it’s not really me and it would have ruined our friendship.”

“You could have- it would have- I mean she would have been- “

“Ah know, that’s why. With me it’s all a front but she is the real thing and it really matters to her. None of that would ‘a mattered if’n I’d gone all city on her, it would have just plain mean, and she means too much to me to hurt her like that.”

“If you ever did that to her in town…” said Twilight speculatively.

“She’d never be able to show her face again. My ‘city pony’ is really sumthin, ain’t she?”

“She sure is. I could go for awhile without seeing her again. I still owe her a shot for the things she said.” They both laughed.

Suddenly Apple Bloom ran into the room, crying from a nightmare.

“The Timberwolves were chasing me, it was horrible. I was so scared,” Applejack held her little sister who was close to hysterics.

“It’s ok honey, you seem a might upset about some lousy old Timberwolves. You usually fight back in your dreams and wup ‘em good!”

“B-b-but, they killed you… she buried her head into her big sisters chest and sobbed uncontrollably, “You were torn apart and there was blood everywhere. I tried to help you but I couldn’t. I can’t get the picture out of my head. Oh please don’t die AJ, please don’t die”

“Ah ain’t gonna die honey, I’m just fine.” Applejack carried the little pony on her back to bed with her and they snuggled in together. Twilight bid them goodnight and went to the couch to sleep.

–

Now she looked back at Applejack. She imagined her dead. She had to. She had to know what it would feel like, what she might be in for. She imagined her laying there not breathing and the Doctor pulling up the sheet. She thought about a future without her, it would be the 5 of them. She saw their faces, saw them crying. She saw her future. She’d never thought much about it. She’d always kind of figured she’d live in Ponyville with her friends and eventually graduate from Princess Celestia’s tutelage. After that they’d probably all find mates, get married and settle down. Have some foals, some might move away she guessed.

She began to search through her thoughts, feelings and ideas. She kept seeing Applejack nearby. She thought about her wedding, Applejack was her mare of honor, of course, and she saw them hugging and crying with joy, laughing and drinking at the reception.

She thought about having a foal and saw Applejack beside her with tears in her eyes holding her firstborn and Apple Bloom next to her, all excited. She saw Applejack looking up at her, her beautiful green eyes wet with tears of love for her and her new little one. She thought about them sharing the time together and their lives.

She thought about Applejack the first time she saw her at the farm standing by a tree, strong and bright eyed and smiling then going into that cute cross legged stance. She thought about the moment their eyes met. Had something happened? The memory surfaced, bobbing up. Now that she thought about it… Then she thought about Applejack dead.

She was completely unprepared for the pain that came ripping up through her heart,

Twilight sat on the edge of the bed, and took Applejack's hoof in hers. She pressed it to her cheek and quietly began to cry, afraid that if Applejack awoke it would upset her. It was nothing like when her grandmother had died. That had been a loss of somepony so dear to her that she wasn’t sure she’d ever recover, but she did and learned a lot about life, death and loss. This was completely different.

Now deep feelings she’d known were there tore through the carefully woven complexity of intellect and reason; of friendship and camaraderie, of caring and laughing and kidding and fun.

There was love.

It was a love of which she was terrified, a love that up till now she had successfully pinned down from escaping to her conscious mind. She’d held it down and then buried under all the weight of those things. It was a love of passion, a love with depth and time, a love of incredible risk and pain, a love that if you faced and lived and lost would leave you empty. And then death’s inevitability would be a blessing, a balm and its inescapability would be the only thing of comfort left to her.

The pain was physical and tortuous.

Somewhere deep inside her heart she knew that one day she would have to face these feelings or they would sit at the bottom of her soul, isolated and condemned but never forgotten. They were now with her, angry at having been buried, shaming her for denying them, making her aspirations for Celestia’s approval and the adulation of others for her skills seem petty and selfish. She had given priority to what she wanted, to things that would gain her acceptance and respect that would help her overcome a childhood of exclusion and loneliness because of her intelligence and abilities. If not for Cadence, who had given so much love and time and friendship, she would not have had any friends, other than her books.

When she thought about keeping her feelings for Applejack caged up it bought to mind a huge tiger trapped and pacing, looking for a way out. When did the feelings first awaken? Twilight tried to remember and it was not a sweeping romantic moment. A few of the mane 6 had been at a picnic...

They were getting ready to go and Applejack had untied the red ribbon at the end of her mane to shake out the clover. She was sitting under a shade tree, the dappled sunlight playing over her hair and her rich beige coat. She held the ribbon between her lips and was reaching around behind her head to fix the upper ribbon. The image from that moment froze in Twilight's mind and would stay there for as long as she lived.

It was the moment that she knew she was in love with her friend.

The romantic feelings she had she'd always shrugged off as daydreams. After all she'd had her share of passing romantic daydreams about certain members of the Royal Guard, Soarin from the Wonderbolts and at one time or other for all the Mane Six but they were fleeting and kind of silly.

This time it was way different. It was not only powerfully emotional, it was also physical. She wanted to take her, to feel those lips that held the red ribbon pressed up against hers. She wanted to hold her, she wanted to run her hooves over that firm, toned body, she wanted to taste her.

A moment later she realized Applejack was looking at her with an odd expression on her face.

"You OK sugarcube? You look like you're I don't know...hungry"

Twilight swallowed and smiled.

"I could sure use some hard apple cider AJ" Twilight responded as seductively as she could, hoping that Applejack might pick up the hint, but it came out sounding so silly that Applejack thought she was kidding around.

"Sure sugarcube," she replied in an over the top salacious style of her own "I have some very special very wet cider I can give you a taste of if you'll follow me to that shady glen yonder, just beyond those trees." and then she slowly licked her lips. Unable to contain herself she burst out laughing.Twilight, blushing, joined in.

As she thought about her love for Applejack the only image that she could see was that tiger. The various moments when she had almost shared her feelings with Applejack made her think of the tiger reaching out with a huge paw to take a swipe. After those close calls, Twilight would add a bar to the cage by reminding herself about her friends who might not understand her feelings and turn their backs on her.

The closest she came was once during a Nightmare Night party at Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight was helping Applejack look for something in her bedroom during the party. Applejack was wearing a very "cute" outfit that was driving Twilight wild, they'd both had a little hard cider and the's bedroom was replete with the fragrance of Applejack's musk.

Twilight mentally ripped through a list of the possible outcomes of walking over to her friend, nuzzling her and kissing her on the lips.

By the time she'd gotten halfway through the list and decided to chuck it and go with her heart, she realized that she was alone in the room, AJ had found what she was looking for and was back at the party. Twilight, thinking about how close she came to letting the tiger free, lay down on Applejack's bed. She relaxed, took a deep breath and thought rationally and seriously about Princess Celestia - her beloved mentor who might reject her for loving another mare, as well as a society that might make her an outcast for not only that but for disrespecting the Princess who had cared for her as her own.

Now she was called to balance all that against her love for this sweet pony laying here, possibly dying.

The steady tread of four heavy powerful hooves sounded downstairs on the wooden floor of the library. Although Twilight was all the way up in the loft, she knew instantly who it was. Her eyes flew open

“Macintosh!” The words were out of her mouth before she could think. “Mac!” She cried out aloud as she raced downstairs almost blind with tears. At the sight of him her legs grew weak. At last the one pony other than her Dad that she could lean all her weight on.

Stout and strong and calm, the big Clydesdale stood there with his arms open. As Twilight rushed into them she felt their strength close around her like a comforting and protective shield and everything that she had been holding back since the accident came pouring out. She sobbed into his warm fur knowing she could say anything and not hold anything back anymore. The pain in her voice was terrible. She’d never cried so hard in all her life and it took some time for even him to calm her.

Two generations ago the Apple family had emigrated from the northern islands across the ocean. Macintosh was a Clydesdale, one of the biggest and most powerful equine breeds. Named for the famous village of in Scoltland where they were from, Clydesdale's were also known for their gentle kindness and their dry wit. In school he was a brilliant student and very intellectual but preferred the simple farm life and so never displayed that side of himself. He was quiet and caring and thoroughly devoted to his two sisters and grandmother.

His friendship with Twilight wasn’t general knowledge in Ponyville, lest they think her an intellectual snob or find out how intelligent he was and feel he was laughing at them behind their backs, and though Twilight was very close to her older brother Shining Armor, a great stallion and Captain of the Royal Guard in Canterlot, he lacked Big Mac’s quiet wisdom. Once she asked him why he didn’t pursue a more intellectually challenging life and he told her what his Mom had told him. “’In this world Macintosh, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant.’ Well, Twilight, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.”

“But you’re oh so smart with me.”

“That’s because you’re oh, so pleasant.” He replied, ruffling her mane.

When asked about Mr. Smartypants, Mac would only laugh and say “I prefer not to talk about it.”

She could lean on him at times when no one else could understand her problems. When things got tough he always knew because Applejack would be worried and talk to him. He would then head into town on some kind of pretense. Once there he would leave a coded message for her in the dirt near the back of the schoolhouse. It would specify where and when they would meet, always someplace secluded and remote where the high flying Pegasus ponies might spot them by chance. In addition Twilight used her magic to help camouflage them.

Of course everypony would mean well, they knew, but naturally there would be rumors and pressures for them to date and for now neither of them wanted that. It was a special relationship where they could unburden themselves and discuss books and philosophy, challenging each other with their points of view. It took a while for Twilight to gain his trust but she sensed his depth and the more she got to know him the more important his trust seemed and the harder she worked to gain it. Finally she did.

Now she leaned her head on his neck as they walked side by side up the stairs, to the loft. Mac picked up the chart and studied it, then had a close look at his sister. He lifted her lids and looked into her eyes. He peeled back the bandage on her head and inspected it closely. He examined her hind leg, handling her with both gentleness and confidence. He nodded and turned to Twilight.

“She looks good. I stopped by the hospital and spoke with the doctor. Naturally, he’s cautious but based on what he didn’t say, I think there’s quite a lot of reasons for a lot of hope” His voice was deep and soft and felt like a soothing warm blanket. The tone was sure and wise. He turned and looked at Twilight. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”

“Sure,” she sniffed, “we can go down to the basement. I have a quiet study area down there.

When Cami returned they excused themselves and went downstairs. Big Mac sat down in an overstuffed chair and Twilight motioned that she’d like to sit in his lap. She climbed in and snuggled and buried her face in his chest.

“Mac, I’m so scared, I’m so afraid she won’t pull through this”

“Well Twilight, it looks to me like she’ll be okay, take it from me, I’ve seen her take on some pretty tough things. Now I think we need to talk about you”

“No, I feel better now that you’re here. It feels so good to finally let all that out. I didn’t know how much I’d been holding in and when I heard you come in and saw you I guess the dam just burst,” she sniffed.

He looked into her eyes. “Don’t you trust me with the truth Sparks?” he asked quietly.

Sparks was the private nickname he’d given her. He called her that when he knew things were bad and she felt like there was really no one to talk to. And that question was one that no one could ask but him. It went straight to the very heart of their relationship.

She wouldn’t raise her head. He waited. Slowly she did and looked at him. Her eyes were red and puffy and still filled with tears. He knew she was at a crossroads and he would not pull her or push her through it, it was something she had to arrive at on her own. She bit her lower lip and put on her brave face.

“Yes, of course I do” it was almost a whisper.

She took a shuddering breath.

“Well, it’s just that.. ya know,” she bit down harder on her lip, and looked around the room, sad and lost, her tears spilling down her cheeks and then she looked down. “I just, I love her so much,” her voice started to break, “and I can’t lose her.” Mac pulled her head toward his chest.

“I know,” he said gently stroking her mane.

“No, I mean-“

“I know.” His voice told her he really did know, and that he understood everything, all that she’d been holding back and all that she’d come to realize in the past hours. She looked up into his eyes and at that moment she thought her heart would break. The other great burden she had been carrying for so long was unleashed and he just held her close and stroked her mane until the sobs that wracked her body, sobs she thought would never end, eased and finally did end. At last, exhausted and empty, she fell asleep.

Author's Notes:

It has been my intent, as much as I can, to stay within canon. I might have to introduce a minor OC later on, but in looking through the extensive list of ponies on the MLP Wiki site, I doubt I'll have to.
As a result of this overriding effort, I was forces to do a lot of telling and not much showing in this chapter, and that really bugged me.
I stand by the notion that Twilight is not that socially adept or experienced, yet she goes into social situations open hearted and with the best intentions. Writing the scene where she goes to the birthday party was tough. I hated subjecting her to that. I still hate it.
The scene in the show where AJ is sitting at the dinner in Manehattan with her aunt and uncle stuck with me. She looked elegant and I began to think about how they trained her and taught her there. Still waters run deep.

Regarding the image...
I don't have the words to do it justice. My favorite image of any of the Mane Six. (and like most of you I've seen my fair share...)