I returned to the monitoring room and flung myself back down on the couch. "Anything so far?" I said, snagging a handful of chips and sour cream.

"Still getting them to their rooms," Chrysalis said, noshing idly. It was unsettling how easily the former tyrant of the changelings had fallen into the slacker bro-chick routine whenever we were offstage. I had my suspicions why; changelings were mimics and empaths, after all. Picking up how to fit in with others was probably second nature to them. Being a changeling meant you had to chillax with commoners and hobnob with dukes and kings at the drop of a hat. It might not even entirely be a performance.... but I wasn't relaxing my guard around her entirely, anyway.

Fake mask or not, it was good to have someone to veg out around. I turned my attention to the big main screen that was tracking my apprentice through the tunnels.

Dodger led the rest of the Broken Birds down the winding tunnels of Darth Vulcan's lair. They kept close behind him, wings flaring nervously. The tunnels, though well lit with crystals and phosphorescent moss, were close, at least too close for a pegasus' taste, and crowded with rough, dangerous looking beings who growled and hefted their weapons as they sidled past. "tuck yer wings in," Dodger said. "Tunnels are a mite crowded. Don't worry, though-- Heart Root and the 'dogs are working on widening 'em all out every day."

Nevertheless,  I couldn't help noticing that even the biggest, most battle-scarred minotaur there gave Artful Dodger the widest berth they could manage.

He'd already found a room for Winky, Twinkle and Jetstream close to where Big Mama and the other Diamond Dog bitches congregated with their pups. Right around the corner he found four more rooms, still bare and freshly excavated. With a few shouted orders to fetch and carry, he had procured simple but sufficient furnishings for them and had them all situated in surprisingly pleasant comfort. Good bright lighting, plush, overstuffed chairs and couches, four-poster beds, and, shock and awe, a fully functional sink, shower stall and toilet in each room. "His Dark Overlordship's rather proud o' that bit," Artful Dodger remarked in passing as he demonstrated the amenities.

"If you gets any troubles with the plumbin'... which can, does and will happen... turn off the main valve here..." he pointed to the pipes running up the stone walls "....an' tell yer commandin' officer... er, that's me for now, I guess. Or just stick yer head out in the hallway and look for a pony with a plumber's helper on his bum.

"Note also if you will, that each room has fire sprinklers and what all. It also has two exits, what for emergency safety purposes. In case of said emergency, follow the lil' red lights in the tunnels to the nearest exit to the surface."

"They're very cautious," Welter Weight noted.

Dodger smirked and stuck his head out in the hallway. "Oi, Bluntnose! Wot's that old Diamond Dog prayer you told me, again?"

A somewhat grey-muzzled 'dog in plate armor looked up. "It go like this..." he held up his paws to the ceiling. "Oh Great Maker of All Diamond Dogs, what dark, smoky, and not much fun? Fire in the mines! Please no send us any." Several dogs in earshot bowed their heads and made fervent genuflections.

The broken birds stared, speechless.

"Amen," Dodger said sincerely. He blithely went on. "Anyway, we have a chow hall, an armory, medicine hall, storage-- just follow the arrow signs to whatever you're looking for. Oh, and ya might wanna hit the loot chamber soon."

"Loot chamber?" the lot of them said.

"Where we sort the take from the latest raid or pillage," Dodger said with a smirk. "Seein' as it's full of boodle from your home town, you'll get first pick if you elbow for it." You could tell by their expressions that they hadn't thought about how the remains of their hometown was now stacked in heaps in my lair. Some looked stricken with guilt. Others, not so much so. I saw an opportunistic gleam in more than one eye. I took careful note of which ones did and which ones didn't.  Not like I faulted them. They were all hard luck cases; you don't wave a plate of food in front of a starving man and expect him not to drool.

Speaking of drooling: I kept catching Dodger giving his new "servant girl" looks out of the corner of his eye. Chrysalis didn't miss it either. "It's easy to see what's on his mind," she muttered. She wasn't even sarcastic; she might as well have been announcing the weather report.

I took a second look at his expression. "Yeah, but he's male. That's like saying you can tell it's oxygen he's breathing," I said. "Of course he's thinking about that. But he's also thinking about other things."

"Such as?"

I pointed as he proceeded to stick his chest out and chuck a few idle orders around to nearby mooks. "Look at him; he's struttin'. "

Chrysalis chewed thoughtfully. "Yes, you're right," she said. "Every time he gives an order or shows them something in the lair, he shoots a glance over at her."

"He's trying to see if he impresses her," I agreed.

"Too bad she's not picking up on that," Chrysalis noted, her amusement dry as ginger. "She flinches any time she catches him looking at her. She knows what to expect later. Or at least thinks she does," she added.

"You think he will?" I kept my voice neutral.

She looked at me as she dug for another fistful of nachos. "I remember you laying down the law about... taking advantage of females. I think the question is 'do you think he will?' " she said bluntly. "And what will you do if he does?"

That sort've laid the cards all on the table; I didn't know. Why was I doing this? Sure it was funny to watch, but it could go bad, really fast.... could go off-script before I knew it.

Plus, we were using two screwed up teenage kids for shits and giggles.  I should have been upset about that. Slave chains had made me furious. People in power shafting the little guy had made me go ballistic. What was it about this scenario that wasn't pushing my buttons? Was the idea of one of these cartoony little ponies... exploiting another one... too surreal for me to consciously accept?

And what about Chrysalis? Did she care one way or another? She was from a race of creatures that lied, deceived, and exploited the affections of other species just to survive. Did she consider me a hypocrite or was I just typical in her eyes?  I turned away from the 'screen' and looked her in the eye. "...that's what we're both sitting here watching to find out, isn't it?" I said.

There was a long pause, then we both returned our attention to my errant apprentice and his awkward mating dance.

"Aand here comes the ditch..." she murmured.

"Grab yer bunks, you lot," Dodger said to the Broken Birds. "Eidie-- I kin call yew Eidie, can't I? Course I can, heh--- come with me. Lemme show you our quarters." The swagger in his voice was cartoon-worthy. Eiderdown shrank in on herself, but obeyed. She shot one last look back at her friends. Not all of them could meet her eye.

He led the shivering filly back down to his own chambers, back through the mobs, strutting like a peacock.

"An' naow we see the young adolescent male cutting his pick out of the herd," I said in my best Crocodile Hunter voice.  "Walking her safely past certain dangers...

"Letting her know she's all alone and has to depend on him," Chrysalis said cynically. "Though from the look on his face I doubt he's aware he's doing it."

He wasn't too aware of his surroundings, either. Several of the ponies he passed smirked and made suggestive gestures--- at least I'm assuming they were suggestive gestures, I don't know pony sign language-- to Eiderdown behind his back. They were obviously broad enough to intimidate her; she was practically treading on Dodger's back heels.

Then one of them got brassy, reached forward and nosed her in the rump. She screeched and bucked, jumping forward into Dodger and nearly knocking both of them over to the floor. Dodger caught his balance and stood still, Eiderdown cowering at his flank. Those witnessing the act hooted.

"Ding ding," I said. "Round one."

Dodger didn't even turn around. "You fink I'm blind, mate?" he said over his shoulder. "You fink I'm stupid?" A gobbet of nightmare mist oozed out from under his hat and zipped back to the offending pony, latching onto his face. The tough let out a panicked "MRPH!" of alarm and reared, trying to shake it loose. At first I thought the glob was taking the form of a grasping hand, then I saw it was actually a tarantula the size of a bowler derby. The pony screamed in panic and thrashed about as the thing exploded into a swarm of skittering, biting spiders the size of my thumb that crawled all over him.

"Ohh, nice touch," Chrysalis said.

"Hm?"

"He mixed some nightmare mist into his telekinesis, making the illusions solid for a second or two," she said. "See? The spiders have a silhouette in his horn color."

"Clever. I'll have to remember that one."

Dodger stomped over to where the unlucky stallion was rolling about screaming "get 'em off get 'em off get 'em off". "Did I MUMBLE when I told you lot?" Dodger yelled. "Was I talking to a lot of DEAF ponies?" He pointed back at Eiderdown. "She's MINE, got it? Hooves OFF. You don't TOUCH her, you don't TALK to her, you don't even LOOK at her funny, and if she complains about ANY of you I'll feed what's LEFT of you to the cockatrices as jerky strips!" He gave the offending party a vicious kick, sending him into a mad breakdance routine as Dodger's thundersteel horseshoe discharged into him. "Somepony toss this idiot in a cell for the night," Dodger snarled. "We'll see if he can recover from his case of horny and stupid by dawn tomorrow." He stalked back over to Eiderdown while a nearby minotaur picked up the stunned pony and carried him off tucked under one arm. "You all right, duckling?" Dodger asked.

Eiderdown blinked, still shocked at what happened, and nodded.

"That's gonna leave her wondering," Chrysalis said.

"Quit hogging all the toppings."

"You snooze you lose, Dark Overlord."

Dodger, knowing what side his bread was buttered on, had put his own personal quarters fairly close to mine... just one level below, give or take a few feet of rock. That way he could use his little short hop teleport to pop right into my quarters and back again if I summoned him. Anyone else would have to take a circuitous route through the tunnels to get to his front door. He was also within blink distance of at least one emergency escape tunnel, and one ventilation shaft to the surface. He had a whole network of "short cuts" like that; I'd wager within a day of learning that trick he'd mapped out every place in the lairs where the tunnels came within a few feet of each other and kept them in mind just in case.

That said, I'd never actually looked inside his quarters since the day they'd been excavated for him. He'd certainly availed himself of the plunder we'd taken to fit it out. I found myself curious as to what he'd done with the space.

He'd obviously decided not to let any moss grow on him once I'd issued my decree. He'd been handing out orders to flunkies left and right from the moment he'd heard me say that Eiderdown was his. I saw Heart Root and a couple of fetch-and-carry 'dogs leaving his room just as he arrived. "It's all dug out and done up," Heart Root said to him as he passed. Dodger smirked and tipped his hat to him mockingly. The old geezer just gave him a sour look and kept going.

"And now, ducklin," Dodger said, giving her a bow, "Allow me to present... our little domicile."

"This should be interesting," I said.

"You haven't been keeping a magical eye on him?" Chrysalis asked.

I shot her a look. "Do you know what teenage boys DO most hours of the day in the privacy of their rooms?" I asked.

It took a moment, but she got it. "Ugh, I did not need to visualize that," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Neither do I. I don't want to spend every hour of my day watching my minions sleeping, eating or taking a dump. If he's conspiring against me in the privacy of his own room, he's doing it through several  feet of rune-covered rock. I know where he is at all times, and that's more than enough to keep him on a short leash." I added a little dig. "It's enough to keep YOU on a short leash." She growled at me and munched ferociously on a chip.

Dodger threw the door to his chambers wide. Eiderdown timidly stepped inside. Dodger followed behind her. The view switched to the interior just as the magic lanterns around the room lit up. "Pretty posh, ey?" Dodger said smugly.

Chrysalis and I stared open mouthed for a minute. Then we both lost it. Chrysalis fell right off the couch, clutching her sides, nearly taking the nachos with her. I couldn't help her; I was too busy trying to recover from shooting soda out of my nose. "He's been vandalized," I said. "By Elvis!"

"It looks like Sapphire Shores exploded!" Chrysalis cackled.

I'm not exaggerating. It just-- no words can describe the full effect. I saw lava lamps. I saw throw rugs in wild animal patterns-- at least, I really hoped that wasn't a REAL zebra skin rug. There were a couple of fake marble statues standing in corners, holding bird bath bowls or clusters of grapes. A disco ball hung in one corner. Pilfered neon signs hung on the walls next to velvet paintings of mares in provocative poses and black light posters of ridiculous pony rock bands. A garish teardrop crystal chandelier hung from the too-low ceiling, so low ponies would have to duck to keep the dangling crystals  from brushing the top of their heads. An overstuffed sofa in eye-hurting patterns, a couple of beanbag chairs, and of course an enormous four-poster bed fit for a color blind arab sheik, covered in silk sheets and yet more animal-print coverlets and throw pillows.

"Did we loot a casino?" I asked.

Chrysalis rolled on the floor, clutching her eyes. "No, no, augh, turn it off, it burns..." she giggled.

It seemed Eiderdown was similarly minded. Leastways she was stunned speechless. Dodger took her stunned expression for awe, and kept on with his verbal swagger. "Yeah, working for His Dark Powerfulness means we get the best of everything," he said. He tossed his hat over on a bust of some Equestrian general, and slipped his horn ring over the dour-looking statue's horn. "Fine clothes? We got 'em. Best food and drink? Got those too. Just about any little luxury you can ask for."

He led her by the hoof over to the bathroom door and let it swing open. "All the, ah, humbler comforts o' home, too," he said with a smirk. He was being truthful; while not as sumptuous as my own bathroom or even Chrysalis', it was well turned out. Tile floors, fired clay walls and ceiling, a bath big enough for a full grown clydesdale much less a pony, wide sink with a smooth, glossy countertop, a shower basin, and---

Kafwooosh. "Oh thank goodness, it works," Eiderdown murmured, letting up on the flush handle.

"Course it works," Dodger said, a little wounded. "And look-- magically heated seating... eh?" He lifted up the lid and patted the seat with a hoof.

"They make those?" I said, miffed.

"You don't have one?" Chrysalis said. "First thing I asked Plumber's Helper to install." She sighed luxuriantly. "Maker bless those pony plumbers..."

"I didn't think to ask, I was just glad to get the thing flushing properly," I grumbled. "Though frankly I'd rather worry about getting the bidet heated. First time I used it, I nearly launched myself through the far wall..."

Chrysalis snorted through a mouthful of cheese.

"....Lots of towels and them fluffy bathrobes you get at hotels. The maids keep 'em stocked up, just toss 'em in the hamper. Oh, and plenty of space in the medicine cabinet for... um, filly stuff. Mane stuff, and... stuff." He waved a hoof. Moving on hastily as any wise man would, he opened up the door on the other side of the bathroom. "And here are your quarters," he said.

When I said he moved fast, I wasn't kidding. In the time it had taken him to lead the Broken Birds on their little tour, shuffle them off to their quarters, and make his way back here, he had made arrangements for a whole new chamber to be carved out, painted, and furnished. The clay walls were painted in hues of pink. There was a wardrobe, an ornate vanity, and of course an enormous four-poster bed; lamps in pink-frilled shades, pink fluffy rugs on the floor, statuettes, fancy fake baroque paintings in gilded frames , the works.

The decor was... um... unfortunate. Even Chrysalis, the original utter heartless beast, was facepalming in sympathy as she hooted. "Oy," she moaned. "He decorated her room to look like--- like---"

"A bordello," I finished for her.

"But how?" I muttered, staring at the image. "I mean, he wasn't even there--"

"Think about it," Chrysalis muttered. "He probably told the workers to 'fix it up all classy.' And what's the closest he, or most of those thugs out there, have ever come to 'classy'?"

"The higher-class end of the red light district, right," I acquiesced. "....And... Ponies have brothels?" The shrivelled husk of my childhood innocence was taking a beating today.

"Not really," Chrysalis said dismissively.  "Oh, there are a few...It's the whole 'love and harmony' thing, I suppose. You've seen how strong their friendship bonds are; imagine what their romantic bonds are like. Sex without some sort of emotional connection just doesn't appeal to most of them. Pretty much the same reason Changelings don't bother with infiltrating brothels, come to think of it. We feed on love... The stuff that goes on in brothels? About as nutritious as wallpaper paste." She stuck out her tongue. "And about the same flavor."

He showed her the wardrobe; it was filled to bursting with every sort of pretty dress imaginable a girl could ever want... if the girl in question was an exotic dancer. We nearly strangled at the expression on her face when she took a look at what was provided.

"No way he sized those," I chuckled. "Oh Lord, are those fishnet stockings?"

"And minus twenty points for the ostrich feathers..." Chrysalis said.

The vanity, however, probably made up for a lot of it. It was covered with dozens of random makeup articles and expensive-looking bottles of perfume. Front and center was an enormous jewelry box literally overflowing with earrings, necklaces, pendants. The sparkle of gemstones reflected in Eiderdown's eyes as he set her down in front of it and picked out a necklace. "Jewelry, silk, my girl wears the best or she don't wear nuthin," he said, putting it around her neck.

"And ah look good in both," Chrysalis breathed in her best Mae West, fluttering her lashes.

"No comment," I muttered.

She sat staring at her reflection in the mirror, brushing the necklace with a hoof. The plum-sized rubies clashed with the green gem in her bondservant's brooch, but that was hardly the point. "...okay," she whispered.

"Okay, what?" I asked.

"Ssssh."

There was a pause. Dodger was apparently wondering what she meant by that as well. "So," he finally said. "Shall we have some dinner? You can order anything up from the kitchens any time you want, by the way. Just nab a guard out in the hall."

"All part of the friendly service here at Chateau le Floozy," Chrysalis singsonged.

"So what do you want?" Dodger asked eagerly.

Eiderdown didn't look away from the mirror. "Anything's fine."

"...Okay. I'll send down for something. Anyway, 's been a long day, maybe we should go take a shower."

"Ah hurr hurr de hurr..."

"Shush!"

You could literally see the words travelling from his mouth, to his own ears, and from thence to his brain. His eyes went round for a second. "Once. One. At a time, that is. Not that there isn't enough room for two. Heh. I mean--- I'll go first, that way you kin take your time. Afterward. By yourself." He literally shoved his own hoof in his mouth to shut himself up. He bit down on his hoof for a second then spoke around it. "G-g-give you time to, uh, pretty yourself up afterward...."

Eiderdown nodded.

"Look up, girl, you're missing a great comedy performance..." Chysalis catcalled. "No? Oh well..."

He frantically dragged his 'cool and suave' mask back up over his face. "Well, ducklin," he said. "If you'll pardon me." He left the room in the fastest saunter I'd ever seen. The door slammed, and we could hear the shower running. There was a long minute of silence, then truly awful noises started coming through the door. Chrysalis and I looked at each other.

"Splitscreen!" we both sing-songed.

I waved a hand and the image split. To the left we had Artful Dodger, standing in his sumptuous bathroom with his back to the door, steam already rolling up around his hocks from the shower. He was hyperventilating into a shower cap like he was dying. To the right we had Eiderdown, who was staring at the bathroom door and to judge by the aghast look on her face could hear Dodger's pornographic wheezing of "eeee, aahhhh, eeeeeh, aaaaahhh" right through the bathroom door. Chrysalis and I were dying.

"What on EARTH is he doing in there?" I mimicked Eiderdown in a bad falsetto.

"We know what he's doing in there! Stop thinking, Brain, stop it right now!" Chrysalis retorted in the same falsetto.

"Are you all right?" Eiderdown called out.

"NO," Chrysalis and I answered the screen.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" Dodger said. He got his panic under control and rushed through his shower. He dried off and stuck his head back through the door. "Bathroom's free. Take your time, duckling." He then bolted for his own room. I switched the view back to one screen and followed Dodger. We watched as he went through hastily combing out his wet mane and tail and donning his own robe, of monogrammed purple silk. It was monogrammed with the wrong initials of course; no telling whom it had belonged to before my raiders had snatched it from a store or shipping caravan. He stuck his head out his front door to bark his dinner order at a passing diamond dog, then commenced pacing around the room muttering nervously to himself.

Eiderdown took her sweet time; enough that Dodger had calmed down and regained some of his confidence. Their meal arrived, a medley of mismatched covered dishes on a battered serving cart pushed by a diamond dog from the kitchens. Dodger set the plates on a little round table by the fireplace, and set out cushions to sit on. He was just setting up the candles when Eiderdown came out.

The look on Dodger's face when he saw her was like a cat up to its whiskers in cream. Even I could tell she cleaned up well. Her coat was glossy blue, and her mane tumbled down her neck in curls and gleamed like gold. She was wearing a ruffled silk robe that had been hanging on the corner of her wardrobe, and had donned earrings and anklets that complimented her bondservant necklace well. She'd also daubed on a touch of makeup, her dark eyelashes bringing out her eyes in the candlelight.

Dodger's grin spread across his face as he lit-- and promptly knocked over-- the candles on the table. A frantic juggling act, though, and he had them set aright. "Dinner... is served," he said, covering up his fumble by sweeping the cover off the main dish.

And setting his sleeve on fire in the fireplace.

Thus commenced a frantic Lord of the Dance routine. He flailed around the room in a circle in his smoldering robe, hooves flying in every direction, grimacing in panic, his smoldering sleeve writing a trail of smoke in the air, before finally gaining presence of mind and diving into the bathroom. There was a loud splash, followed by an all-too-informative flush. He reemerged, his blackened sleeves dripping, and a disgruntled look etched on his face. Without a word he stepped behind his dressing screen and reemerged wearing a new, unburned, robe. Throughout this entire performance Eiderdown had stood frozen in the middle of the room, wings flared in alarm. She was still standing there openmouthed when he reemerged.

"Well? Have a sitdown and eat," he said, deadpan.

She sat.

This date had better end soon, I thought as I struggled to breathe, or I'm going to have a heart attack.

The romantic dinner, such as it was, went fairly quietly, with her picking at her food and him doing his best to throw passionate looks at her across the candlelit table. But eventually things had to reach a payoff. They were only half-done eating when Dodger began edging his cushion around the table to her side, and was now leaning into her, murmuring and trying to nudge her in the direction of the bed.

"Oh oh, this is it," Chrysalis said in a monotone.

Eiderdown abandoned her untouched plate and let herself be herded to the bed. They sat down on the edge, sinking into the pillows. Dodger leaned in, nuzzling into her neck. She stiffened as he brushed her wings with the pad of his nose. "G-gosh your wings are soft" I heard him murmur.

I could see her squeezing her eyes shut, biting her lip as she tried not to lean away...

In an instant everything changed. He froze and pulled away from her. He got to his hooves and tottered away from the bed, legs as stiff as if he were a barstool. He stood there with his head hanging, turned away from her.

She looked at him fearfully. "Did... did I do something wrong?" she asked.

"....Get out," he said. "Just... just go to your quarters."

"I...?"

Every line of his body radiated anger, but he didn't raise his voice. "Just...fine, do whatever you want. Go there, stay here--- I don't care." With that he vanished. Looking fearful and more than a little confused, she got to her own hooves, retrieved her plate, and retreated to her room.

"Well, that took a dramatic swerve," Chrysalis said, disappointed. She looked over at me, then down at my hand. "And what were you going to do?"

"What?" I looked down and saw that purple-green-red-black energy was dancing around my fingertips. I realized I'd unconsciously begun drawing magic into my hand. The moment I saw them move to the bed, I'd started preparing to---

-- Do what? Intercede? Blast Dodger? turn off the scrying spells and look away? I didn't know. That bothered me more than it should.

"I'd better go see where he's gotten to," I said, while I tried to decide.

I found him in a little alcove, a short hop down the hallway from his chambers. He was still wearing his silk robe, pacing in a circle and swearing to himself. "So," I said. "What brings you out here?"

He shot me a look that was absolutely filled with hate. The next instant he was charging me, punching and kicking at my legs. It made me glad I was still wearing my armor. "You knew this would happen!" he snarled. "You knew it!"

I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and held him up off the ground. He kept swinging and kicking at me. "Yeah, I kinda figured something like that would happen," I said, amused in spite of myself. "You aren't the first guy with a big mouth bragging about how much dick he slings around to fold when things got real. But I just wanted to see for myself."

His eyes blazed. "You were spying on us??" His thrashing redoubled. "You jerk you creep you---" I think he invented some of the swear words he used next.

"Of course I was watching what you were up to," I snapped scathingly. "You think I wouldn't know? I can hear an earthworm's heartbeat in the walls down here! I know where everyone is down here, what they're doing, what tune they're whistling while they work!" (That was mostly brag, but close enough to the truth and it never hurt to enlarge your reputation.) "We've had spies, saboteurs and infiltrators down here--- Darn right I'm keeping an eye on you with your new piece of arm candy! I had to make sure you weren't going to do anything suicidally stupid!" I dumped him on his rump.  "The fact that it amused me was just a side benefit."

He slumped into a ball and looked up at me with big, tearful pony eyes. Oh screw you, foal. "Why would you do this to me?" he said. His lower lip crumpled.

...The entire time I'd plotted this out, I hadn't really known for sure what I was doing. Or what I planned to do, if it had gone wrong. I think that question, that look on his face, finally helped me spell out, consciously, what the whole thing was about. "I didn't do anything to you," I growled. "I just let something happen that was gonna happen anyway." I conjured up a seat out of the stone and sat down wearily. "Look, kid, you're a boiling bucket of hormones right now. Sooner or later some cute piece of tail was going to come along.  I had to know how you were gonna handle that kind of responsibility BEFORE it happened."

"Responsibility?" Dodger said scornfully, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"Don't do that, silk stains. Yeah, responsibility. Like I said, sooner or later some cute piece of tail was going to come along--- and lead you around by the nose. Or worse, you were going to let your groin do your thinking and make a grab for some tail that wasn't yours for the taking. There's about a thousand ways that your hormones can get you into trouble, from angry relatives to catching something nasty to popping out a foal.... and that's not even counting the extra troubles peculiar to OUR situation. Squeezing info out of the enemy with secret agent poon is the oldest trick in the book and it stays the oldest because it works so well.  I bet you that right now Princess CakeButt and Moony the Flunky are racking their alleged brains with Princess Valentine, trying to figure out how to lure me to my doom with a juicy pair of boobies." That got a snort of laughter out of him.

I snorted.  "People think that because we're young, that we're stupid and that we only think with our balls. Back home they treat teenage guys like they're all mindless heat-seeking dick missiles and teenage girls like they're all inevitable flatback sluts-- they ply us with rubbers and pills and say 'play safe kids!' and shrug when most of us live down to their expectations. And that's the GOOD people; there are other people who figure they can get rich by leading us around by our crotches, and exploit us every chance they get.  

"We gotta be smarter than they think we are, if we're going to survive."

He looked downcast. "Not like it matters," he muttered bitterly. "They already laugh at me and say I'm no better than your catamite. You might as well have gelded me..."

I got mad and dope-slapped him in the back of the head. "Why? Because those illiterate retards are laughing at you? And you're going to agree with them? " I yelled. "They think they're better than you because they managed to find a warm wet hole that didn't struggle too much and managed to stick it in on the first try! Any unsuspecting knothole in a fence could do, if that's all it takes to be a man!

"Tell me something. You had her right there. She would have let you do anything you wanted.

"So answer me one question: why didn't you?"

The little alcove got awfully still. He wouldn't meet my eye. "I-- I don't know--"

I pointed at him. "No. You know. You're the only one in the world who DOES know. Why. Didn't. You. Do. It?"

He took a breath. "Because I saw her face!" he blurted out.

I waited. He went on in a quieter voice. "I saw her face. In the mirror. I..." He grimaced like he was spitting something sour out. "I didn't have a dad growing up. It was just my mom and me. Things were... kind of tough.

"She'd make ends meet by... she weren't no whore, but she.... she had lots of 'gentlepony friends,' she called 'em. One after the other. They called on her lots. Gave her money. Gifts. Favors. She.... did whatever they want. None of 'em stuck around long, and she'd be out lookin' for a new 'gentlepony friend'..." He ground his teeth. "I hated them. I hated them all, so much.

"I remember one. Some rich swot. She couldn't stand him, but he was 'generous.' I walked in on 'em once by accident. He and her were gettin' frisky, or at least he was. And she had this look on her face... like it was all she could do to keep from bein' sick, from pushing him off and running away." He looked me in the eye, sad as the world. "It was the same face Eiderdown had in the mirror."

"She... she looks at me the way my Mom looked at that rich swot. I think I wanted to die when I figured it out."

"I couldn't. I just couldn't. I... I want it to be with a girl who wants me." He smiled fleetingly. "Who wants me as bad as I want her. I won't... I won't have her any other way."

I leaned forward and looked him in the eye. "And you think those other a-holes would even care? Artful Dodger, that makes you more of a stallion than the rest of those hooting jackasses combined."

His ears perked up a little at that. "You mean that?"

"Doesn't matter if I do, it's the truth. My Dad always said 'anything with a pecker can stick it where it goes. It takes a man to NOT do it when he shouldn't.' " I grunted. "A real class act, my Dad. But he was right."

Dodger looked abashed. "Well... what do I do now? I got a beautiful filly sharing my suite with me, and she's..." his ears drooped again. "She's disgusted by me."

"Meh. No, just a little frightened," I said. "You could hurt her bad right now, after all. So she's scared. It's gonna take a while for her to trust."

"So what do I do??" he pressed.

"How should I know?" I said, exasperated. "What am I, the Lonely Hearts Advice Column? Just... treat her nice, don't take advantage of her, be kind, be courteous, give her space, all that other crap."

"You've... never been in a, um, I mean, with a girl---?" Dodger asked, cautiously.

"No, I haven't."

A bit of his cheek came back. "Then don't that make your advice a little suspect?"

"I don't need to be an engineer to recognize a train wreck," I said dryly. "Besides, this is crap my Dad would say every boy ought to know before he becomes a man, anyway."

"Any other bits of advice about relationships from your old man?" Dodger said.

"Yeah. If you get married, be the ugly one." Dodger let out a bray of laughter at that one. "But seriously. Just treat her nice, don't take advantage, and be patient." I got serious. Grim faced serious. "And be ready to protect her. You've already seen that some of these sad sacks here aren't above getting grabby."

He nodded. Then looked at me, squinting. "But... what do you care?"

I stood up and let the stone flow back into the floor. "Protecting my investment," I said. "It's already paid off; Winky's boyfriend has spilled his guts, let us know that Celestia and Luna are massing up troops for an offensive. We're going to need her and her little flock of broken birds somewhere down the line, probably very soon. I can't rely on them if they're not loyal, and they won't be loyal if they're frightened of us or don't trust us or have been hurt by one of us." I got to my feet. "Mister Rump-Nose from earlier today doesn't realize just how much trouble he's in yet. But he'll learn." Purple sparks dripped from my eyes, and Dodger shuddered. "Go on. Go back to your room, tend to your... roommate. She's probably terrified she did something wrong; it'd be a good idea to reassure her." Dodger nodded, and vanished in a blink of light.

I strode off down the hall, letting my cloak billow behind me. (Ahhh, dramatic presence.) That smoothed things over with my apprentice, but it did reveal the ugly nub of a surfacing problem. I had a large, almost entirely male force of roughnecks, thugs, mercenaries and ex-cons who'd been bottled up like a pressure cooker all winter long. I was going to have to find some way.... no, some place, or some TOWN... where they could blow off some of that testosterone-laden steam, or things could start to get ugly.