"......And, then I woke up in here," I finished.

The room fell silent. I looked the princesses over; all three of them-- Celestia, Luna, Twilight-- had gathered to hear me retell my story one last time. There was even a fourth one; I suspected she was the Princess Cadence I'd read about. She was bright pink and even girlier than the other three. Well, it figured; Alicorn of Love, and all that. Small surprise if she looked like a Valentine's Day art project.

I'd probably told and retold this whole mess a dozen times since my capture, and it was getting really, really... well, no, actually, I was actually enjoying the whole storyteller bit, having a roomful of creatures hanging on my every word. Of course it was obvious that the whole 'ask and ask again' routine was to see if they could trip me up with changes in my own story, but what was the point? They had me dead to rights, it wasn't like they were going to have to trick me into incriminating myself or anything. All they got out of it was hearing me get more flourishes out of the story each time I told it.

For this final time, they had moved me into a large chamber further into the dungeons. It was a circular room, more or less set up as a trial chamber. The three princesses were sitting on a raised dais more or less where the Judge would be, and there were one or two armed guards standing around the room. I was standing in the center of the room, my hands chained before me in enormous magic-blocking manacles, chained in turn to loops in the floor. The Alicorn Amulet glowed a sullen red around my neck.

The proceedings had gone on for some time. They had used magic illusions to play back testimony from my other little run-ins. Diamond Tiara, Filthy Rich, Spike, Zecora, the Bearers of the Elements-- former bearers that is, ha--- various Panicking Background Ponies from Ponyville... after the fourth colt or filly burst into tears describing the "awful black monster" who'd attacked them on Nightmare Night, it was pretty obvious I wasn't exactly going to be elected Man of the Year, here.

This was apparently a final hearing, before the three monarchs... triarchs?... decided what to do with me. I sort of suspected I wasn't going to get a public trial. Happy fun sunshine land would be all bummed out if they did THAT. My money was on being thrown down some oubliette out of sight. Considering the looks on their faces, they were only debating on how deep the hole would be and whether or not to throw scorpions in after me. Princess Valentine Card looked a little conflicted, at least.... Oh right. Sombra and the Crystal Empire, right. She probably felt like she owed me for offing Sombra.

They had decided to finish up with me reciting my own version of events. I had, in loving detail. "I don't suppose you could fill me in on what happened between that big shiny light and me waking up in your dungeons, could you?" I said. "I'm curious what happened to my Changelings and Diamond Dogs, after all."

Annoyed, Luna tossed her head. "Do not hope for a rescue from them," she said. "Your Diamond Dogs fled like cowardly curs..."

"Oh, how clever," I interrupted jovially. "Curs. Ho ho ho." A nearby pegasus guard whapped me upside the head with a wing. Ouch. Shoulda worn the helmet.

Luna ground her teeth. "... scattering into the woods. We dispelled your 'TimberWorgs' into nothing but kindling--" I felt a momentary pang; they destroyed my wolves? Jerks! "--  And your little band of Changelings is no more. We found bloodstains and broken bits of armor along the tunnels and out in the forest; we surmise they were flung to their doom by the blast wave from the Tree of Harmony."

Surmise.  I tried to keep my poker face, but Celestia saw through it. "Yes. As you may have guessed--" she shot her sister an irritated look-- "the light burst from the Tree stunned us all. When we came to, we found things as my sister described them. Your diamond dogs fleeing, the minotaurs and the trolls subdued, the changelings gone-- and many dead, killed when they were dashed against walls or knocked from the sky." She closed her eyes in pain. Did she refer to my dead, or to hers? I decided I didn't want to know.

"Chrysalis? Sombra?" I asked.

"No sign of either. Chrysalis apparently managed to break free of her bindings and flee. Sombra, well... considering he was a cloud of vapor at the very center of the blast, it's highly unlikely he survived." Right. And she'd written his obituary last time, too. I decided I'd keep an eye out for any little puffs of black smoke for the foreseeable future. "The minotaurs were captured, but as they are not our subjects and were not, technically, waging war on our little ponies, were held overnight and released on the borders with a warning to choose their employers more carefully in the future. The trolls..." A look of pity flooded Celestia's face. "The trolls did not survive. Sombra's crystals were rooted too deeply in their brains. With him gone, they slipped into a torpor until their hearts simply stopped." Yeesh. Sombra played rough with his toys.

"Their fate is not what we are here to discuss, however," Celestia went on. "We are here to discuss yours. Darth Vulcan, you have committed numerous crimes." She held up a scroll in her magic, reading aloud. "Robbery, violent assault, kidnapping, destruction of public property, destruction of private property, use of illicit magic, willful use of a corrupt magical artifact, psychological torture, resisting arrest, conspiracy to commit all of the above... Your little storm wreaked havoc on half a dozen farming towns once it broke loose. "We found your lair, abandoned, picked clean-- presumably by your former minions as they fled-- Our guards fell afoul of the monsters you kept imprisoned there.. a dozen were petrified when they stumbled onto your cockatrice hatchery, and a full score more were hospitalized when your maimed hydra escaped. And three more nearly drowned." She paused, blinked, looked again. "Something to do with a bathroom and an exploding toilet....

"Even in your cell, you have managed to cause grief and trauma to our little ponies...."

"How so?" Cadence asked.

I smirked. "She's probably talking about the prison guard she left me alone with," I said.

"What sort of world produces a monster like you?" the guard pony said, staring at me.

"You wanna know what my world is like, huh, nancy?" I sneered. "You got it."

I opened my mouth and started talking. I started with the Holocaust, Goebbel's experiments, the gas chambers, lampshades of human skin. Worked my way through the Rape of Nanking, the worldwide slave trade, child pornography rings, Tianenmen Square, Jeffrey Dahmer, Saddam Hussein's favorite pastime with a plastic shredder...

He was pretty tough. I got halfway through describing a partial birth abortion before he started screaming.

Celestia shuddered. "We had to restrain him to keep him from tearing off his own ears," she said. "He refuses to repeat what you told him.. even to the therapists."

"You are a reprehensible creature. Though your recent actions with the Tree of Harmony have been to our benefit--"

"Not exactly my first agenda," I noted sarcastically.

"--You are still guilty of crimes that would mean imprisonment, banishment or both."

I thought about that. "So wait. You're either going to throw me in a dungeon, or banish me, or banish me and then throw me in a dungeon in the place you banish me to?" There was a pause. Princess Twilight looked absolutely disgusted; the other princesses slid a look over at her and snickered inexplicably.

"Very funny," Twilight groused.

What? What did I say?

"...However," Celestia said. "We are prepared to offer you leniency."

I cocked an eyebrow. "....If?" I said. I braced myself for whatever insulting arse-kissing they were about to demand.

"If you will let us remove the Alicorn Amulet," Twilight said.

I must be really really contrary or something. Not a week prior I'd spent an entire afternoon trying to pry that amulet's chain over my head. It wouldn't come off, it wouldn't break, either. Now the magical rulers of Ponyland were offering to take it off for me for free.... and I immediately decided to resist. "Why should I?" I asked suspiciously. "Why do you need my permission, anyway?"

Celestia shook her head. "Because we cannot remove it otherwise," she said.

"The amulet was changed when it was tossed into the void," Twilight said, flushing. "Now there are two enchantments on it--- one prevents you from removing it; the other prevents anyone else from removing it without your permission."

"Thou canst not remove this burden on thy own," Luna urged. "Please, let us help you--"

My hackles went up. "Help me??" I said. "You seem awful eager to take away the one thing that puts me on an equal footing around here. You're my enemies. Why the hell would I let you take it from me?"

Then the pink one spoke up. "Because every morning since we took you captive, you've woken up screaming," she said softly.

Okay, that brought me up short. "Wait. What?"

"Yes, we have been observing you," Celestia said. "Did you think we wouldn't, once we had you in our custody? Your sleep has been troubled. You wake with cries of pain, sometimes shrieks of terror. And while my sister--" she looked aside at Princess Luna -- " can no longer walk into your mind as you dream, nor even see into it clearly, she tells us that your dreams are a turmoil of dark and terrible images."

Luna looked me in the eye. "Sooth. Images of terrible things, memories of your crueler deeds, your own voice crying out in horror... your true self cries out from behind the veil that the Alicorn Amulet has cast over your mind."

What happy horseapples was this? Sure I wasn't sleeping well; I was locked in a fricking dungeon for pete's sake. My expression must have said everything, because their expressions turned pleading. "Vulcan, you have to listen to us!" Twilight said. "The amulet is corrupting you! The manacles we put on you keep you from casting magic, but they can't stop it from affecting you inwardly. It's messing with your mind, just like the last pony to wear it. The voices in your head will drive you mad!"

Voices in my head?

"Please, let us help you, Ted," Cadence said.

"Not a chance in hell," I sneered. chip chip scrape chip. "You're only scared of this amulet because it gives other people the power you bunch of three-in-one mutants have hoarded to yourself." chip chip chip scrape. "Worse, as far as you're concerned, it protects me from you messing with my head! So much for your brainwashing efforts--"

"We would not stoop to such things--"

"It was the first thing you did to me when I arrived here!" chip chip chip. What was that noise? "You went for those Elements and nearly blasted my brain out my ears! And when it didn't work you tried it again! Your sister sneaked into my mind and messed with my dreams!  I wouldn't be surprised if one of you candyfloss-maned hypocrites didn't have half a dozen personality altering spells stuck in their saddlebag right now, ready to try on me!" The little purple one jumped and looked guilty as hell. "Holy @#%, I was right, wasn't I?" I said, pointing at her. She pushed her saddlebags away. "I WAS!! You mind-raping sickos !"

"Twilight...!" This from Celestia. In a voice like walking around with a saddlebag full of brain-rape spells was no more than getting caught sneaking cookies after dinner. Holy crap these candy-colored hypocrites....

Chip chip chunk crack. Okay, I felt that through the bottom of my boots. Everyone in the room paused, listening to the sound of something tunneling through stone. I didn't even have to wonder. I just knew. "Excuse me a minute," I said, stepping backward as far as my chains would let me. A couple of the guards didn't like that; they stepped forward to drag me back to the center of the floor. They crossed over where I'd been standing just as the stones gave way.  With a pop and crack and rumble of shattering mortar, a six foot hole opened up under their hooves. With a yelp they vanished. There was a crash rather like two ponies dressed in plate armor landing on a pile of stones. Groans echoed back up through the hole.

A moment later three familiar shaggy heads appeared. Skank, Runt and Mange had arrived. "We found you, Dread Master!" Mange cheered, waving to me. "Now we escape before ponies--" he and his two brothers were immediately surrounded by spear points. "oooo dear" he said, and the three promptly vanished  back down their hole. There immediately followed a tumult as every guard in the room poured down the hole after them in pursuit.

I could see the Princesses all getting to their feet. Their horns were lighting up as they prepared God knew what magic to blast the room. Celestia and Twilight stepped towards me, horns glowing. I nearly wet myself when I realized that the little b@# Twilight was probably preparing to use one of those very mind-altering spells I'd mentioned... probably on the 'dogs, and then on me.

Good thing I had a trick up my sleeve. They'd said it right when they said the manacles contained the Amulet's magic. They contained it; they didn't quench it. While I couldn't use it to cast any outward spells, it could still affect me internally. I'd spent every spare moment since entering the trial room preparing a strengthening spell on myself. It would wear off in mere minutes; seconds was all I needed. I poured magic into it, toughening my skin, hardening my bones, turning my muscles and tendons and ligaments into steel cables. I flexed my wrists; The manacles snapped off my wrists like they were made of chocolate shell. I grabbed one in each hand, lunged forward, and slammed one down over Twilight's horn, and one over Celestia's. Their spells fritzed out with a puff of sparks. A quick squeeze with each fist and the thick metal was crimped down on their horns.  They staggered and slumped, dazed by the magical short-circuit.

Cadance and Luna's concentration was broken as well. They cried out in outrage and moved to help their sisters. Thinking fast, I grabbed two loose stones and whipped them at their heads. I managed to hit both of them in the head, right at the base of their horns. They went down like a couple of bags of laundry.

I raised my voice above the shouting and the clang of armored figures tumbling down the hole. I let my eyes blaze up. "Your help? YOUR help? You hypocrites! You mewling, condescending sadists! You're a bunch of Dolores Umbridges--- all flowers and fluffy kittens and sickly sweet puke on the outside and full of poison on the inside! You brainwash your subjects, imprison dissidents in stone and banish your own loved ones to the moon for demanding even a crumb of their just due!  I'd sooner rot in Tartarus than accept 'help' from you bunch of prissy, cloud-cuckoo, emasculating, two-faced brain-raping..." I don't know what more I would have said, because at that precise moment the blocks of floor that I was chained to fell down the hole after the rest. With a shriek like a schoolgirl I was yanked off my feet and dragged down into the dark.

I landed on top of a rugby scrum of Diamond Dogs, guards, and tumbling rocks. For lack of better weapons I took my chains and began whaling everyone within reach with the stone blocks still bolted to the end. Skank grabbed my arm. "Run!" he howled, dragging me along. I took his advice. We bolted down a side tunnel, leaving a half dozen Diamond Dogs harrying the guards.

Tunnels branched off in multiple directions. Once again the Diamond Dogs' gift for digging was leaving me slackjawed. They must have spent the last week turning the entire mountain into swiss cheese..."Sorry we take so long, Dark Lord," Mange panted, his tongue flapping as he ran alongside on all fours. "So many rooms in Pony Castle, we never think we find you!"

I was about to ask how many 'dogs were digging here when our conversation was interrupted. There was enormous crash of shattering stone, and Luna came down through the cavern ceiling ahead of us. She shook the dust off her mane and wings and glared at me. "HALT, VILLAIN," she said.

"You know, for an alicorn of moonlight and dreams and all that mysterious crap, you're really unsubtle," I said.

"Indeed," she said. "Forsooth, my sister wouldst have stunned thee or cast a sleep upon thee, or used many of her other subtle wiles to subdue thee. I, on the other hoof, shall simply trample thee into a pudding." She brought her forehooves down on the tunnel floor for emphasis. Granite cracked under her hooves. Well, at least she wouldn't try and turn my mind to mush.

I backed down the tunnel, picking up a discarded diamond dog shield and holding it in front of me. "Guess I was right," I taunted. "You really are Celestia's goon. When her dirty little mind tricks don't work, she sends you around to stomp 'em into gut paste. Typical brainwashing tyrant b@#%."

Luna seethed. "My sister hath never done such!"

"Bull," I said. "She did it to you." Luna stopped advancing. "That's right," I said. "Whaddayou think that rinse and scrub cycle you got from her Elements was? That was you getting your personality erased and rewritten into the good little obedient sister she always wanted."

She paused an awfully long time. She shook her head. "That is not true," she insisted. "The elements purged me of the dark powers of Nightmare Moon--"

"Oh really? That all? Remember what it felt like when that big shiny rainbow hit you? I sure know I do." I let my lips peel back in a gallows grin. " Like parts of your mind were being hosed away. That's the truth of it. I bet you sit all alone in your bed at night, wondering what other things got purged too. What little disagreeable traits your dear, loving sister's star pupil peeled out of your head--"

I had her. I could see it in her eyes. "---how much of the real you is still left," I finished. Woops. That did it. She bared her teeth, lowered her horn and charged. This wasn't the rodeo I signed up for. Panicking, I hauled back with the shield and brought it around in a flat swing.

BRANK. Her horn pierced right through the middle of it. She backed off, confused, unable to see around the shield stuck on her horn. She shook her head and started firing magic bolts blindly, swearing and cursing with words I'd need an Elizabethan dictionary to translate. A bolt of magic pinged off the wall next to my head. "Time to make an exit," I said. I reached out with my magic, grabbed every Diamond Dog within my reach, and dissipated us into a cloud of smoke.

This was the second time I'd done that trick. It didn't get any more fun with practice, either; it was incredibly disorienting, all your senses tumbling around... Did you ever do that game as a kid where you spin in a circle with your head resting on the end of a baseball bat and then tried to run in a straight line across the gym? Imagine doing that, except while you're running, you're still spinning.  No wonder Sombra was so cranky. It had to be like living inside a running clothes dryer. We swirled through tunnels and crevices in the mountain for several minutes, finally squirting out into the open air in one of the castle's many courtyards. We took form and landed on the cobblestones, somehow all still keeping our feet under us. The moment our feet hit pavement, Skank pulled a whistle out of one of his vest pockets and blew. I didn't hear anything, but the 'dogs obviously did; a few seconds later there was a rumbling noise and more diamond dogs came popping up through ruptures in the pavement.

One scrawny little one came staggering up to me, looking up at me with fawning eyes. He was carrying my helmet and my sword, staggering under the weight, barely able to hold up the surfboard sized blade on his back. Mange patted him on the head. "This Wetnose. Oldest of first litter," he said proudly. " We find dungeon, but not find you. I send him off to search dungeon, tell him 'find Darth Vulcan's things, wherever ponies take them."

Wetnose held up my helmet and sword to me. This deserved some drama, here, I decided. Gravely, I took the helmet and put it on, locking it in place, and then took the sword. "You have done well, Wetnose," I said solemnly. "I am pleased." It went over well; the little wriggler nearly went into spasms of glee at the praise. Mange managed to grovel and look proud at the same time. That's me, Darth Vulcan, man of the people.

"Where we go now?" Skank asked me.

"Down!" Mange replied for me. The others got ready to dig. Before they could do more than scratch up a few cobblestones, though, I felt a tremor pass under my feet. A few details started assembling in my mind. No, that's just too dang ridiculous...

Which means it's probably true

I blinked. Great, the voices in my head were learning snark. "WAIT! Skank?" I said, "Just how many tunnels did you dig under the castle when you were looking for me...?"

Skank waggled a paw. "Some," he said. "Lots of tunnels full of shineys under castle, but none go where we want. So we have to dig, ohh..." he started counting on his claws, then gave it up for a lost cause. "half as many, more?"

The castle shivered again. Somewhere in the distance a flare of magic went up. I was going to take a guess that Luna was busy collapsing the tunnels below the castle to cut off our retreat. Either that or cutting loose on whatever stragglers she stumbled across; either way the tunnels weren't an option. And if my guess was right they were about to become an even bigger problem.

I cast about frantically for an avenue of escape. It wasn't looking good; the stair-step construction of the castle meant I could see the walls, turrets and open courtyards down below. There were so many guards pouring out of doors and archways and launching into the air it looked like a termite nest. As honked off at the pony world as I was, I didn't feel like fighting half its native population trying to reach the front gate.

The ground shook again. I looked uphill at the structure still above us. What I saw tethered to the northwest tower filled my heart with glee. "Hah! Looks like we have an escape route after all," I said.

We weren't alone in the courtyard; two or three ponies had been there, hauling various carts and going about their business. The moment we arrived they had run screaming, abandoning whatever they'd been hauling or carrying. Among the discarded junk was a wagon full of loose wood and branches, presumably pruned from the trees lining the gardens and walkways by the groundskeepers.

"Master!" Runt shouted. He stuck a dark, twisted piece of wood in my hand, shaped vaguely like a heart. I stared at it for a moment. It glowed a bit inside, like a burning charcoal plucked from a fire... save that the embers were dark purple. "Oh you brilliant little fleabag," I said. I threw the chunk of wood into the wagon. The glowing coal-fire spread through the wood, wagon and all. There was a crunching noise as the wagon and its contents splintered, crushing itself down and molding itself into a lupine, four legged shape.

"Deadwood! Good boy!" I said, patting the beast on his neck. Little bloody geniuses, they'd salvaged Deadwood's heartwood. Most of a Timberwolf or Timberworg is just loose wood and debris, but at the core is a chunk I'd come to refer to as the "heartwood." And any decent sized piece of a timberwolf's heartwood could be used to restore it. He blinked glowing purple embers at me. I leapt onto his back and took the reins. Around me the dogs grabbed glowing coals from the remnants of the wagon and began hunting for unsuspecting carts and piles of kindling to make into steeds.

All for the better. The castle was shaking for real now; Luna and her unicorn guards were probably right on our tail, and it was going to be a dead run for our escape. I pointed my sword at the shadowy shape floating against the starlit sky. "SOUND THE RETREAT!" I bellowed. "ALL DOGS, MAKE FOR THAT ZEPPELIN!"

This ride wasn't nearly as dramatic as our first. Our steeds were a bit more slapdash, being made from the shrubs, trees, and rubbish we found as we ran for the zeppelin tower. I saw one 'dog riding a timberworg that looked to be made of fast-food burger wrappers. More and more dogs joined us as we went, popping up out of the ground, fleeing the wrath of the lunar princess and her unicorn guards.

The interference we had to run sort of diminished the impact as well. The guards were beginning to zero in on us. I found myself slashing the air above us with lightning to keep the pegasi off our backs. "How the hell did you find me in this place?" I shouted, hammering another handful of pegasi out of the air with a gust of wind. It wasn't enough; another squadron dropped out of the sky behind them, intent on dive-bombing us.

Before Skank could answer another squadron of pegasi suddenly came out of nowhere and slammed into the ones harrying us, dropping them into the pavement. The opposition dealt with, they rejoined us; a flash of green flame and we were now being escorted by Black Fang and a dozen of his Crimson Guard (ooh, I liked that name.) Ah, the geas. "I withdraw the question," I said. "What took you so long?"

"The geas is not exactly directional," Black Fang said. "We had to infiltrate. Our plan was that we find you, and guide the Diamond Dogs to tunnel to your location, then depart after you escaped back through the underground caverns." There was another explosion as a very angry pony princess magically purged another tunnel. "As you can guess, the plan didn't survive contact with the enemy."

"Good thing we have a plan B," I said. "Onward!!"

With Black Fang covering us, and my darkfire and lightning clearing the way, we reached the top of the castle quickly enough.  The sight of a roaring mob of Bad Guys was enough to send the crew of the airship running for their lives. 'Dogs began pouring aboard the ship, running to cast off the lines--

And dropping back as a literal cloud of pegasi rose up to surround the royal zeppelin, crossbows ready. Behind us a small army of earth ponies and unicorns poured onto the roof. And dropping out of the sky to stand among them were the four Princesses, wings spread, horns glowing, and eyes blazing with anger. Luna was covered in rock dust. Cadence was sporting a lump on her head. Twilight and Celestia both looked disheveled and even from here I could see that they were in no mood. "Enough, Darth Vulcan," Celestia said. "Get OFF the royal airship and surrender. You are surrounded, outnumbered and outpowered. You have no chance. "

I felt a tremor through my boots. "I dunno, I like my chances."

"Art thou addlepated?" Luna exclaimed in disbelief. "E'en were you to escape our forces now, thou couldst never hope to outrun our pegasi in this cumbersome airship!"

I heard another rumble. "Well in about a minute, you're all going to be too busy to bother with me," I said. I looked at her soldiers. They were all there, all perfectly lined up in front of me on the tower roof. It was too perfect. I couldn't resist. I wound up like I was going to pitch a fastball and flung my hand outward at them.

"FUS RO DAH!"

The wave of force smacked into the earth ponies and unicorns and flung them into the air, right over the edge of the tower roof. They screamed as they plummeted out of sight. Every pegasus there abandoned their position and dove after their falling comrades. With a cry of dismay Cadence and Twilight leapt to the battlements and cast levitating spells and pillowy force-clouds under the falling guards.

"VILLAIN!" Luna screamed in rage, wheeling on me. "If a single one falls--"

"And who's going to catch the rest?" I shouted. Right on cue, the whole castle shook. Celestia and Luna staggered, surprised. "That's right! Your castle is stuck to the side of a mountain-- a mountain riddled with caverns and tunnels from old crystal mines! My diamond dogs have spent the past week tunneling all through it even more, trying to find and rescue me. And you've just been tearing through them like a runaway bulldozer with your magic, trying to hunt them down! Your whole palace is sitting on a mountain slope of swiss cheese, and it's going to give way at any moment!"

The looks of horror on their faces was epic. "What do we do, sister?" Luna said, panicking.

"You two move the Sun and the Moon around," I said. "I suggest you concentrate on using those talents to make sure your pretty palace doesn't crush everything in its path."

They shared a glance. They spread their wings, horns and eyes blazing white, as they began to weave magic through their palace, trying to hold it together. "Help us!" Celestia pleaded. "You wield the power of an alicorn--"

"Yeah, uh, NO," I said. "I'm out of here." Already my diamond dogs and changelings were piled aboard the airship and casting off. I leapt aboard as the gangplank fell away. "I think keeping your house from turning into a city-killing avalanche will keep you preoccupied while I make my escape."

"You MONSTER!" Cadence said. Already she and Twilight had floated the guards to safety and were adding their power to Celestia and Luna's efforts.

I whipped off my helmet. "Monster? You think I'm a monster?" I shouted above the crack and rumble of the shifting castle. Blinding fury poured through every vein and capillary. I shouted till froth flew from my lips. "You dumb bint! I come from a world where rapists and murderers spend less time in prison than people who smoke grass or fib on their tax returns! Where tyrants fill mass graves with little children and stuff people into woodchippers for laughs! Where so-called scientists torture animals to death to invent a new shade of mascara! Where women throw their newborn babies into dumpsters, or rip them out of their womb in bloody chunks because they don't want to take the responsibility of raising their own offspring and maybe missing the fricking PROM! Where kids murder each other for the right to sell poison to other kids in their own neighborhood! Where leaders lie, perjure, plunder and oath-break, and get voted back in office because they promised their followers free health care and cell phones!  Where maniacs strap bombs to their own children and use their wives as human shields! Where they stone women to death for speaking to a man and fly planes into buildings full of innocent people for Allah! Where maniacs slaughter millions for being the wrong race or color and make lampshades out of their SKIN!

"I'm a monster? There's a thousand monsters, from least to greatest, where I come from.  I'M NOT EVEN ON THE LIST!"

I turned my back on her dumbfounded  expression and went to the helm. I grabbed the wheel and conjured a wind, blowing us away from the shaking castle and out towards the Everfree.

We were about ten miles distant (and still struggling to figure out how to steer the dang thing) when the mountainside gave way. I heard a rumble and looked back. All the dogs were at the rail or hanging from the rigging, watching.

Son of a gun, they actually managed to do it. The castle, laced together with the magic of four mightily straining alicorns, slid slowly and majestically down the mountainside. Not a brick fell off, either.

Fortunately for all concerned, the waterfalls that emptied off the castle walls filled an enormous lake directly below, so there weren't any buildings or homes directly below it. It was nearly a perfect fit, too; the castle slid down the mountain and into the lake like a fat woman sliding into a jacuzzi. The lake sloshed over its banks, flooding the nearby streets and ruining hundreds of lakefront property owners' day.  From the looks of it, the water only came up to the first story. They probably lost their wine cellar, but with any luck and a lot of structural reinforcement they might salvage things.

Of course I doubted the Princesses would appreciate me pointing out they now had an indoor swimming pool on their first floor...

Black Fang regarded the mayhem next to me thoughtfully. "As forgiving and generous as the Pony Princesses are, I don't think they're going to let this one slide," he said idly.

"True enough," I said. "I think I'll avoid any house calls for oh, two, three hundred years?" I turned back to the helm. I pulled up a concealing cloud to wrap around us, hiding us from any nighttime eyes. All that remained now was to retrieve the rest of my army from the fallback camp I'd plotted out, along with all the supplies, equipment and treasure that the 'dog females and young had moved there when I'd been captured. Then, on to plan... C, I think this one was.

"So what next?" Black Fang said.

"In a word?" I said. "Relocation. Any preferences?"