Okay, lemme take a minute here and clarify something. Does it sound like I'm some sort of tactical or strategic genius or something? It must. I mean, I slay a dragon, take over a Diamond Dog tribe, pull a fast one on all of Ponyville, take over the Castle of the Royal Sisters, magically bind a couple dozen Changelings to my mighty will, and then go on to take on Chrysalis and Sombra simultaneously. I must be Napoleon reborn, right?

Trust me, no. I'm not. Almost everything I did was completely spur of the moment. It was just a combination of sheer brass knobs and pure dumb luck that had gotten me this far. The fact that all the pieces fell into place afterward was just more dumb luck. Of course, 'he who dares, wins.' Maybe that's the real story behind every genius leader-- just a guy got a lucky break, then powered through on it.

Plus I wasn't exactly up against strategic masterminds. The villains around here weren't even up to Boris and Natasha levels. Sombra was a thug who relied on brute force (see the oncoming mountain trolls for further details.) Chrysalis was a showoff who threw away her best advantages just so she could strut and preen. Discord (yeah, I read up on him) was clever, but he was so busy being clever he outsmarted himself.

And the rulers of Equestria didn't exactly cover themselves in glory either; a thousand years of relative peace had made them soft and sloppy. It's really not very hard to be a chessmaster when all your competitors are playing Candyland.

"You think us 'soft and sloppy?'"

I snorted. "Pop quiz. You're being invaded by an army of shape-shifting, mind-controlling love vampires who can imitate and replace anyone. Do you: (a)Man the ramparts with big beefy soldiers, all facing outwards  (b)throw a state wedding in the middle of the targeted city  (c) scan the horizon with a telescope all night or, I dunno, (d) check everyone in the castle once a day for disguises and mind-control spells?"

"Tis easy to be a general from a cushioned sofa the day after the battle," Luna shot back, huffy.

"Assuming you didn't sleep through it," I riposted. She scrunched up her nose and glared at me. "Yeah, you two may have be thousands of years old, but you've not had a serious war in the last ten centuries-- Probably because nobody wants to find out what happens to the Sun if they manage to behead you two. Your go-to plan whenever a crisis comes up is to send a letter to Celestia's student and have her and five mares go fix it with their magic macguffin. Your soldiers got overwhelmed in minutes by the Changelings, and weren't even on the playing field when Discord got loose. If you ever had a leg up in tactics and strategy and all that, you are centuries out of practice. That's not an insult, that's just facts. Use or lose it, and you haven't used it in so long archaeologists have to go looking for proof of it.

"So yeah. Soft and sloppy."

My point is... Before I'd arrived here the only place I'd seen a battlefield was a history book or a field trip. But I'd actually read those history books once in a while. Plus, strategy games are big where and when I grew up. I'd spent most of my childhood gaming-- everything from Risk to EVE Online to Civilization to Warhammer. After a few years of that, you kind of pick up things.

So yeah. I'd had a really good run of successful planning, a bag full of know-how, and really good luck...

"Mountain Trolls!" Skank howled.

...Which was coming to an end right about now. "So is that what those things are?" I said, surprisingly mild.

"Yes!" Skank moaned. "Big and strong and tough--"

"I guessed as much--"

"-- live deep in caves. We sometimes dig into their lair by mistake..."

"... at which point your life gets real exciting, yeah, I get the picture," I finished for him.  "Do they have any vulnerabilities? Any weaknesses?"

Skank shook his head. "Don't know. We too busy running to ever find out." The oncoming mountain trolls spread out, shoulder to shoulder. The earth shook as more trees came crashing down.

I persisted in pumping my source. "Then how did you escape them?"

"When they stop to wipe off feet."

"Wipe off--?"

"Old diamond dog saying, Dread Master: 'You not need outrun mountain troll--- just outrun slowest friend.' "

"Terrific." I regarded the menace stomping its way towards us. The ravine still lay between us and them, but I had no illusions as to how difficult it would be for those enormous creatures to climb down and back up again. Things were rapidly sliding out of my control; one of our guests was late to the party, and another had brought WAY more to the dance floor than I had been expecting. I had a blind date with destiny and the bimbo just ordered lobster. Things hung on a slim thread here. If Chrysalis got clever, all she'd have to do was step aside, let Sombra's rock-candy-covered titans punch a path through my defenses, and then swoop in behind him to take the prize. But there was no way she'd be stupid or egotistical enough to--

"Curse you, Sombra, the Tree of Harmony shall be mine! Mine and no other!" Chrysalis' horn flared green and a snot-like gobbet of green fire splashed across the chest of the lead mountain troll. The creature moaned and reeled back briefly.

"Begone, overweening insect," said the cloud swirling around the trolls' heads. "You are unworthy of any of the great powers, much less this one." Purple-green lightning crackled from the cloud, singing the air around the hovering Changeling Queen.

"Arrogant has-been! You dare?" More green fire flew, this time aimed at the hovering black cloud.

"Cockroach!" Sombra roared.

"Relic!"

"Pompous nag!"

"Gas bag!"

... I dunno. Maybe they used to date.

To my delight, they immediately attacked one another. To my disappointment, they were not more evenly matched. Chrysalis' minions swarmed the trolls, biting, kicking, and zapping. The big dead-eyed brutes moaned and staggered back, flailing. That ended quickly when one of them plucked a nearby tree out of the ground and began swinging for the bleachers. Changelings went flying, some of them in pieces, as the troll cleared the airspace around it with its makeshift flyswatter.

The other two trolls imitated their brother, picking up fallen trees and fanning the air around them. They stomped forward, the earthen edge of the cliff crumbling under their feet. They rode the mass of earth and rock down into the ravine, coming to rest in the mass of tangled briars below. Chrysalis' swarm dove on them from above, their crooked horns blazing. The ravine lit up with green and purple fire and echoed with roars and screams.

As entertaining as it should have been watching those two go at it, I was not enjoying it. I realized why a moment later when an enormous crash came from the opposite side of the castle. I raced along the parapets. When I got there I saw that the rope bridge I'd destroyed had been replaced by a fallen tree, and pouring across was a horde of muscular, two legged creatures with horns and... holy crap, minotaurs?This was getting more World of Warcraft by the minute. They were wielding axes and wearing mismatched armor covered in spikes and generally looked like they'd been thrown sideways through a heavy metal band's wardrobe truck. I saw a lot of black crystal decorating them and guessed who they worked for.  "FOR THE DREAD KING SOMBRA!!" the one in the lead shouted, waving his axe over his head. They roared and charged the shield, bashing, kicking and hacking at it for all they were worth.

I started to scoff but noticed that they were starting to make headway. Sparks were flying off the force field I'd erected, and I could see glowing cracks, tiny ones but still there, starting to spread. I squinted; their axes and maces and hammers were studded with black crystal. Ah, crap. I was going to have to kick things up a notch.

I stepped up to the top of the wall, making sure they could see me. A few spears bounced off the shield a few feet from me; I ignored them. I let some balefire and purple lightning bolts dance over me for show. "FOOLS, YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE ME?" I bellowed, and poured power into the storm overhead.

It was a calculated move. At least I hoped it was a calculated move. The storm was never really under my control to begin with, I just had it barely tethered in one place. Now I was cranking it up to eleven, with no way to turn it back down if I didn't like the results. I felt it slip out of my hands like the string of a kite.

The sky turned black. The wind rose to a howl, and the spitting rain turned to a torrent. Lightning slashed wildly all around, striking the ground around the castle... and nailing a few minotaur mercenaries who didn't have the sense not to wave giant metal weapons overhead in a thunderstorm. About a dozen of 'em went down in one shot, spazzing and smoking from their punk-rock haircuts. "Be ready to hit them with everything when the shield falls!" I shouted at the 'dogs.

BOOM. Oh crap. I started to race across the parapets again. I stopped; what the heck was I doing? I cursed myself for a dummy, and instead teleported myself to the top of the highest tower. It was time to put some of that wargaming experience to use and start making a command center. I began creating Eyes. I sent them out to hover over strategic points around and over the castle ruins. A dozen screens flickered to life, floating around me. I looked them over with satisfaction; it was perfect. I had full battlefield surveillance. I put more Eyes near my commanders and lieutenants down in the battlefield, these with voices and hearing---  giving myself an instant two-way comlink system--

"Comlink?" Celestia said, looking perplexed.

"Yeah. You know. Two-way intel?" Another perplexed look. "Communication? Instant battlefield intelligence?" Blink. "Being able to talk to my troops wherever they are? Instantly?"

The light dawned for one of them. "That's... that's ingenious!" Luna gasped. "And imagine the peacetime applications, sister... talking with ponies all over Equestria as if they were face to face...Twilight wouldn't even have to write out a scroll..."

I gawked. "You mean you ponies don't have radios or telephones or telegraph or--- All this magic and you still communicate by scrolls?"

Celestia shrugged. "It works well enough..."

I stared. "I could take over this country with three minions and a butter knife."

My pieces were in place, my controls and monitors at my fingertips, my voice in every ear. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my shoulders, and got ready to play.

I took a quick survey. The first mountain troll had made it up the sides of the ravine to the castle, and was hammering away at the forcefield with his fists. That was the booming noise. I got that window open just in time to see the second troll's hand rise up over the edge of the cliff and get a grip. Though they looked badly wounded, with huge smoking wounds across their backs and chests, it looked like Chrysalis' efforts weren't doing much to slow them down. I switched angles; it looked like Chrysalis herself had quit blasting the trolls and was now focusing on blasting away at Sombra. It was doing no good; Sombra was too quick for her to draw a bead. He was swirling in and out through her changelings, dropping one or two as he went. I saw several Changelings down, scorched by magic or hampered by crystals growing over their limbs. He got a shot in at Chrysalis, encasing her foreleg in black crystal. The moment she staggered a dozen changelings dropped hampering the trolls and turned their magefire on him, blasting him from every direction. That got his attention.

The minotaurs were still banging away at the shield on their side, massing up against it, elbowing for room. Suddenly one of them hefted his warhammer and brought it crashing down on the skull of the minotaur in front of him, flattening his bullet helmet. To both our surprise, the hammered minotaur didn't go down. He just turned around, peeled his crunched helmet off his head, and punched the errant soldier in the face. The punched one dropped, flaring with green fire---a changeling!--- the one doing the punching apparently missed that, though, and lit into the minotaur standing behind the quisling, who just so happened to look exactly the same as the one who'd been dropped... in a few short seconds the attack on the castle defenses turned into a free-for-all. It looked like a brawl at a rock concert crossed with the Running of the Bulls.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. The trolls were back at it. All three of them were up now, and every blow made the whole forcefield shimmer and shake. The rain and wind and lightning didn't seem to phase them at all. I figured I had minutes---

BOOM

Seconds---

BOOM BOOMBOOMBOOM

With a squeal like an AM/FM radio stuck on a bad channel, the shield flared and vanished. A roar went up from the invaders. The inter-party squabbling was forgotten and everyone ran for the walls.

I stepped up to the edge of my tower and looked down. The trolls were the biggest threat, I decided; they had to go first. I sighted down the length of my staff, gathered a massive surge of power, and fired. A spectral fist the size of a Mack truck whooshed through the air over the castle and smashed into the troll's chest. It caught him at just the right moment, when he was standing on one foot and imbalanced. Arms flailing, he staggered backward and fell over the edge of the precipice, down into the bramble-strewn ravine.

I was about to try the same with the next one when a half-dozen changelings fell out of the sky on me. I found myself suddenly very busy fighting for my life. I flailed around myself with my iron staff, bashing anything within reach and firing magebolts wildly. I'm no hand-to-hand warrior, but I outweighed them, I was better armed and armored, and I was wielding the Amulet...which not only gave me the powers of the unicorn, but of all three pony races (--- I STILL feel dippy saying that), including the strength of the earth ponies. (I feel even dippier saying THAT.) My iron staff wrought some serious wreckage on them; I could hear the crack of bones even over the storm.

Soon they were all scattered around my feet, charred, broken and bleeding. I telekinetically pushed them all off the tower, and frantically checked my screens. My 'dogs were pouring the arrows and sling stones down from the walls, and apparently they'd gotten their cruddy catapaults to work-- I saw a ball of burning something-or-other arc up over the wall to crash down on the invaders. But it wasn't enough. The minotaurs were almost to the gate-- and the portcullis was open!  I screamed through the Eye nearest the gates. "Close the portcullis!!"

"No! Wait!" I heard Mange say.

"What? Close it!" I shouted. The dogs manning the winch hesitated.

"No!! Must WAIT!" Mange barked louder.

"Close it you idiots!!" I seethed. You stupid insubordinate-- I watched helplessly as the minotaurs poured through the gate...

Just as Mange's crew snapped the chain loose. The portcullis came crashing down, smashing a dozen or more of the barbarians to the ground. In one blow Sombra's force was halved. I whooped. "YES!! Good work, Mange-- I owe you a box of doggie treats!"

The feeling of elation didn't last long. The two remaining trolls were right behind them. They hit the portcullis and barely broke stride, trampling over the minotaurs and tearing the heavy timbers right out of the gate. Stone, wood and mortar rained down. They lurched into the courtyard, moaning and roaring.

Now the battle was joined in earnest. Howling Diamond Dogs poured down off the walls, diving in amongst the few minotaurs still standing and dodging the feet of the trolls. Others poured arrows and slingstones down into the courtyard from the walls and towers. Changelings were dive-bombing from the swarm overhead, their horns lighting up as they did a sort of meteor-drop, blasting craters in the ground with their own bodies.

Me? I was having a rush like nobody's business. I'd never been in a real battle before and always figured I'd fold like wet toast. But instead I was... psyched. Pumped. Stoked and getting more stoked by the second. The howling wind, the lightning slashing the sky, the clang and smash and roar of the battle below, it was giving me something like a runner's high. I found myself ignoring my screens, leaning over the battlements of my tower, clutching the stones till they cracked in my fists. I needed down there, I needed to be in the middle of that, where was my staff no this wasn't good enough a staff not a staff I needed a sword a sword a SWORD--

The staff smacked into the palm of my hand. Dark energy poured through my arm, making the muscles spasm. The iron of the staff glowed cherry red, melted and flowed like chocolate. I pulled flakes of iron out of the tower stones, out of the air, as my weapon shifted and changed and grew. The iron staff flattened and sharpened; the skull slid down, became the guard and quillion. When the purple-green magic finally parted and the metal cooled to black, I was clutching hilt of a jet-black sword the size of an ironing board in my fist. I took it in a two handed grip, climbed up on the ledge, and leaped off the tower.

Yes, I said leaped OFF the tower. It was something like a hundred, two hundred foot drop. I was screaming like a berserker psycho, but all the way down a teeny tiny little voice in the back of my head that was left of my common sense was shrieking

What in the hell am I doing, man?

I obviously lived. It was a powered leap; Purple lightning was crackling all over me. I think I was using that earth-pony magic to make myself strong and tough and unicorn magic to control my fall. That was probably what saved me. That and a troll broke my fall.

I can't say it was much softer than hitting the pavement. I landed right on his head, right in the middle of that crown of lumpy black crystal growing out of his skull. Ow, ow, ow. Broken shards went everywhere, and the troll actually fell to his knees under the impact. I reversed my grip on my sword, brought it up and rammed it point-first down into the troll's skull.

It was like flicking a light switch. The big brute stopped cold, then went over like a felled tree. I rode his head down to the ground, the last of my sanity going

aieeeeeeeeeeee

The whole way down. Flagstones cracked when it hit. I leaped and landed, stumbling to go down on one hand and knee. For a brief second I wished I'd made a Stratocaster instead of a sword; I could have pulled off an awesome power chord on the way down.Then the battle was all around me and I lost myself to that berserker rush...

I repeat for the people in the slow seats; I have absolutely no athletic or martial training whatsoever. But I had enchanted armor, a lightning-spitting sword, the strength of an earth pony, the speed of a pegasus, and the magical powers of a unicorn. Even a crosseyed klutz would be wreaking some havoc with all that. And me? I was hopped up on enough adrenalin that everything was moving in slow motion. I whirled into a charging mob of minotaurs and limbs flew.

I lashed around me, wielding my surfboard sized sword in one hand and firing mage-bolts with the other. Bodies went sailing or crumpled to the flagstones. Axes and swords struck me hard enough to break bone through my armor; I didn't feel it. More minotaurs poured in from somewhere; changelings swarmed in the air and dive bombed every side. I lashed out in every direction like a drug-crazed lunatic; the sheer press of bodies made it impossible not to strike something.

When I had accessed the user manual of the Alicorn Amulet, a great deal of magical knowledge had been core-dumped into my brain. It had been subtly... and not so subtly... increasing my comprehension and retention skills as well, which was how I learned the Equestrian written language so fast. I had been soaking up every volume I had cracked open like a sponge. That said, despite probably having read as many volumes of magical lore as Princess Twilight herself--

"No. No you haven't," Celestia deadpanned. "Trust me on that."

Well, having ingested half a d@#%n library, anyway, I had plenty of theoretical knowledge about magic. But my developmental skills were still weak. Cobbling together a made-from-scratch spell was still painfully slow. By and large I was still defaulting to the a la carte' list of spells contained in the Amulet itself; giving the Amulet a fairly vague command and letting it pick the closest thing it had to what I wanted. Not that this was much of a handicap... the thing seemed to have a menu of hundreds... but it did make for some bizarre effects. Especially in stress when I wasn't focusing and my commands started coming out something like "whatever, just hit him with something." Several of my foes found themselves burned, frozen, blasted with lightning, but others were shrunk, or had their weapons turn to margarine, or themselves turned into tragically short-lived chickens. One hardcore looking minotaur had his armor replaced with a pink tutu. The look of astonishment stuck on his face right until the troll stepped on him.

I managed to clear a space around me for a moment in the tumult, and saw Chrysalis. She was avoiding the fight and was making a beeline for the interior of the castle. I had no time; I just threw my hand out and cast. An enormous gobbet of green glowing something launched from my hand, streaked across the intervening space, and struck her square on. She tumbled out of the air and slapped against the wall behind her-- and stuck, glued to the wall by an oozing mass of slime. She screeched and hissed and swore, but she was stuck. Even her horn was encased in hardened slime.

The sheer weirdness of it poked through the adrenaline haze. Bemused, I pulled up the spell in my mind's eye, curious as to what I had just cast... "Booger Cannon? Seriously?"

I wasn't given much time to reflect on the kind of person who would design a spell and name it like that. I had to dive out of the way as a massive troll foot came down where I had been standing just a moment ago. I rolled to my feet and looked up; this troll was a lot more sprightly than his zombified brothers. I saw a black cloud with glowing eyes swirling around its head; Sombra was in the driver's seat on this one, apparently.

And he was of a mind to take me out of the picture. The troll spun about and brought one massive fist down. Before he could raise his fist to strike again I leaped aside and Booger Cannoned it, gluing it to the ground. He brought his other hand around; I glued that one down as well, then proceeded to fire the spell another three or four times, till both his arms and legs were encased up to the elbow and knee. He grunted and struggled, but he was stuck fast.

Sombra roared his ire. I flipped him the bird.

The Diamond Dogs were putting in a good showing. Clubs, pickaxes, hammers and spears did heavy damage, and claws and rock-crushing jaws did more. I saw a pack of 'dogs take on a handful of minotaurs; the 'taurs were learning the hard way that standing head and shoulders over your opponent just meant that their teeth were at your crotch level. Yeouch.

The footing grew treacherous with sleeting rain mingled with grue. Taurs, changelings and 'dogs fell under sword and spear, never to rise again.

The battle was not going well. We were flattening scores of minotaurs and changelings, but there seemed to be more of them wherever I looked. Chrysalis had a handful of changelings cutting her free from her trap. And over everyone's heads, through the ruins of the open gate, I could see the third troll rising up out of the ravine.

A trumpet, louder than the roaring thunder,  sounded from above. Startled, I looked overhead. Fortunately for me, everyone intent on cleaving my head from my shoulders looked up as well.  Lightning crashed everywhere. The clouds rolled back, and down in a column of sunlight poured Equestria's Finest, dozens of little pony pegasi, earth ponies and unicorns, the ground-pounders riding in gilded pegasus-drawn chariots, their weapons and golden armor gleaming in the sunlight. And there at the vanguard-- vanguard is the right word, isn't it?-- flew two giant winged unicorns, one gleaming white with a mane like a pastel rainbow spilling behind her, the other dark blue with a sparkling mane of stars. Cripes, it was the Ride of the Lisa Frank Valkyries.

The unencumbered pegasi peeled off and began bucking nearby clouds. The Earth Ponies hefted swords and spears; the unicorns' horns lit up. Magic bolts and lightning rained down indiscriminately, striking 'dog, minotaur, changeling and troll alike. I heard one of the princesses shout above the storm to her troops to show mercy, to subdue, not kill... they were all that confident they had the situation under control...

No sign of the bearers with them, of course. I'd made a bet that they'd get tactically savvy and refuse to put their magic superweapon in danger. I took a risk and started flipping through my still-active Eyes, looking out through the ones pointed in the direction of Ponyville. In the distance I saw a tiny purple balloon rising over the treetops...

I'd bet wrong.

I charged up my last smoke bomb and made a quick vanishing act from the battlefield. By the time the smoke cleared I was already racing through the hallways and down the stairwells to the cavern entrance. I was yelling instructions through the Eyes the entire way... not that there was much point; the moment I had vanished in a cloud of smoke, the nerve of the diamond dogs had finally broke, and they were abandoning the castle in a rout. The minotaurs were starting to break as well. I saw several ponies tying the last mobile Troll up in ropes. I could hear the Royal Guard's cheers of victory clear down the stairwell.

It didn't matter. None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was the one thing that their majesties hadn't noticed: I wasn't the only leader to have left the battlefield.

When I got down to the antechamber, Chrysalis and Sombra were both there. The black cloud and the bug-pony were circling in the air, orbiting the boulder I had pushed over the hole in the floor, lashing out at each other, testing one another's defenses. I wasted no time; I Booger Cannoned Chrysalis, gluing her to the floor. She lay there, squirming like a grasshopper stuck in flypaper. "AGAIN?" she shrieked, infuriated.

"Yeah. Again." I flicked another gobbet of supernatural snot at her face, gluing her mouth shut. She snorted through her nostrils and glared at me. "So. Just you and me now, Sombra."

"Not for long, peasant." The gloating cloud swirled, shrank to a ball, and a solid, flesh and blood pony stepped out. He was slate grey, with a wind-tossed black mane, fangs, and glowing red eyes. He wore steel armor and a crown, a blood red, ermine trimmed robe, and a curved, red horn jutted from his forehead.

"So, you can be solid," I said. I took my sword in a two handed grip. "I'm guessing it takes a lot out of you." I was fishing. I was surprised when he nodded.

"It does," he said.  "I can only manage it for a little time each day. But it's more than enough to accomplish my goals."

I let energy pour into my sword, making it glow and hum. "I'm curious how you intend to get past the Tree's protections," I said, circling carefully. "You couldn't even slip past as a cloud of smoke. And anything more solid gets backhanded quite neatly."

Sombra's smirk turned into a toothy leer. "I intend to let these do the work for me," he said, holding out his hoof. He tossed a handful... hoof-full... of tiny black things around the room. Wherever they struck, black thorny vines began to grow. They began climbing up the walls all around us. I recognized them immediately; they were the same vines I had weeded out of the Tree of Harmony's chamber. "Plunder vines," Sombra chuckled in amusement as I sidled away from the spreading vines. "They stifle and disrupt any magical thing they touch. I have... developed an immunity to them, and can tolerate their presence. You, I suspect, have not." He was right; I could feel some of the little spells I'd woven into my armor fritzing as the vines drew closer. "I merely have to wait for the vines to weaken you, weaken the magic protecting the Tree, then I shall simply walk in, and claim my prize." His chuckle grew to a rumbling laugh. He stepped forward. A sword made of black crystal grew out of the floor next to him. "Oh, I am going to enjoy this. It will be worth the pain of corporeality to stamp your bleeding corpse with my own hooves." He grasped the hilt in his mouth, yanked the sword free, and waved it around his head in a flourish.

I felt my anger go from a slow burn to a steakhouse sizzle.

Carve that smirk off his face

"Agreed," I growled to myself.

Sombra made an inquisitive noise through the sword in his teeth.

"There's just one problem with that little victory dance, Sombra," I said. "You have to be alive to do it." I raised my sword and rushed him. Our blades met in a shower of sparks.

He actually looked shocked when he had to parry. Like he couldn't believe I was actually trying to kill him. They have swords; surely they had to have used them for real at some point? Then again, I was probably outside his circle of experience. Sad, scared little pony slaves with sparkly coats aren't exactly on the same tier as a screaming psycho dressed in death-metal armor leaping at you with a giant sword.

  He gave as good as he got, though. We hacked and slashed and parried back and forth across the room, blades and bolts of magic flying and... and um...

Okay it was lame.

Oh come on, LOOK. I'm a seventeen year old with no coordination, no sword training and, super strength or no, I was waving around a sword the size of a coffee table. And he was a miniature horse trying to hold a sword in his mouth. It was worse than that sword fight in "Mom and Dad Save the World." We ran around waving our pointy sticks at each other like two men trying to kill a snake in a phone booth.

The setting certainly livened things up, though. The vines were still growing, spreading across the room, forcing us to dodge around, tearing our cloaks on foot long thorns and barely avoiding getting strangled by lashing loops of vine. The plunder vines apparently decided to up the ante, too; they began sprouting pods that split open into venus flytraps the size of pianos, gnashing and snapping.

I heard a muffled scream behind me. I turned and looked; the venus flytraps had taken an interest in Chrysalis and were creeping up on where she lay trapped. She had pulled loose from the floor and was now desperately trying to scoot across the floor away from the snapping pods.

Ahh crap.

I leapt across the room and stood over her, and lashed out in all directions with darkfire. The pods shriveled, swelled and exploded. The scorched, decapitated vines thrashed and writhed, retreating.

The Princesses looked astonished. "You saved her?" Celestia asked.

I blinked. "I guess I did."

"If I may ask, why?" Celestia said. The curiosity in her voice was keen. "You have trailed blood and grue across the Everfree. You sacrificed your followers like pawns, and you wreaked horrible vengeance for the smallest of slights. Yet you saved a creature who had not moments ago tried to kill you. Why?"

I actually had to think about it for a minute. "I... couldn't..." I struggled to put the words together. "I suppose I just..." I started over. frowning. "I guess it was primordial."

"Primordial?"

" It's like.... the oldest fear in the universe-- being eaten alive. It's something like in the top ten most common nightmares, after all."

Luna nodded. "Tis sooth. I have seen many a nightmare of such shape," she said.

"I saw those mouths coming for her and--- " I grimaced. "The whole damn world would have been better off if I'd just let the plants have their lunch, but the moment I saw that I had this mental image of her disappearing, screaming, down some monster plant's gullet and... I couldn't let it happen. It's like when you see someone falling. You reach out and catch them. It's instinctual.

"I probably would have dunked her in ketchup and THROWN her to the things, in other circumstances. But... not then."

I sighed and looked at them. "Should I continue? This is sort of the point where you came in...."

"Do so," Celestia said. "We would have a complete record."

Well, just as I was busy playing Dudley Do-Right for a giant bug, the rest of the players arrived. I heard a boom and saw a flash, and the two giant winged unicorns-- that'd be you two-- and the six Bearers came sailing down the center of the spiral stairwell, the earthbound ones carried in a magical aura. "STAND WHERE YOU ARE, VILLAINS!" the dark one boomed. She and the white one landed, their horns alight-- and promptly stumbled into the vines. Their horns sputtered out, and their legs and wings got tangled in the vines. They naturally threw a fit; the six element bearers forgot the rest of us entirely and ran to help them.

Sombra saw that opening and took it. He fired off two blasts-- one sent me sprawling, the other smashed the boulder blocking the tunnel entrance to rubble. The vines surged forward, gorging on the magic. I felt the protective aura fade to nothing. Sombra cackled and transformed back into a cloud and swirled down the tunnel like water down a drain, the vines creeping after him. Cursing, I dove after him. I heard Twilight Sparkle shouting to her friends that they had to stop him-- "him" presumably being me-- while I tore ass down the tunnel.

I arrived in the chamber just ahead of the ponies after me. Vines were crawling everywhere. Sombra was swirling around the Tree like a coal-black tornado, cackling like a loon as the Tree dimmed and flickered. The next instant, the element Bearers poured in, followed by the two winged unicorns... which were you two, of course.

"Vulcan, STOP!" I heard you shout. I realized that you hadn't seen Sombra; you'd been too distracted by the vines, and now all you saw was me standing there in front of the Tree of Harmony with a purple-black cloud of what looked like MY magic swirling around it. There was obviously not going to be time to clear up any misunderstanding of the situation.

You-- that is, you, Celestia-- turned to the Bearers and shouted "Now, quickly, use the Elements!"

"Of course, Princess!" Twilight shouted... then she gave you a smirk, pulled off her tiara and threw it to me. The other Bearers followed suit, pulling off their torcs and tossed them into my open hands. I'll never forget the look on your face as long as I live.

That's right. I was counting on the Bearers showing up with the Elements,  I knew the Elements were kept in Ponyville, under the watch of Princess Twilight-- I'd squeezed that much out of Diamond Tiara. But I knew there was a chance you would keep the Bearers away from the actual battle until it was too late. I'd sent out Diamond Dogs on the thin chance they might be able to break into the library and snatch them. But when I took control of those Changelings I saw a chance to hedge my bets.

I sent them out with an Eye in their possession-- yes, I can make them so they can be carried-- to work with the 'dogs I'd already sent out there. The 'dogs tunneled in right under the feet of the guards. The 'dogs then went off and created a ruckus, and the Bearers all went running to retrieve the Elements from the library--- right where the Black Fang and the other changelings were waiting for them. They caught the Bearers unaware, subdued them, cocooned them, stuck them in the library basement, and then swiped the elements and flew out to the Castle in Twilight Sparkle's own balloon.... with your own guards escorting them all the way. See, I'm sure your guards have changeling-detectors and the like now, but there's a flaw in them... they were keyed to Chrysalis' geas, not the changelings themselves. My changelings no longer had Chrysalis' taint on them. They walked right out of town without turning a hair.  Heck, your guards helped escort them when they swiped the balloon.

Honestly, Celestia, didn't you even notice that Twilight's magic aura had turned green?

The Elements landed in my hands, and I had time to think one thing: I really hope this works. I spun on my heel and threw them straight at the Tree.

They struck the trunk of the Tree. There was a shower of sparks; the tree's light stopped flickering and swiftly brightened, grew too bright to look at. The whole cavern lit up like the inside of the sun. I heard Sombra's scream....

Then the blastwave came. I was picked bodily up off my feet and flung against the wall with earth-shattering force. There was a pop like a flashbulb going off in my face, then everything went dark.