As Mizzietta and I fly over the land to our destination, The Crystal Empire, The sun is high overhead, and there's not A cloud in the sky. I loved days like this when I was little, but I don't want to go into my past. The less you know, the better. Anyway, we are flying over the lands, and I eventually see this giant, bright, well, crystal empire! (What, did you expect an entire montage of how we got there?) Literally, everything was made of horrible, reflective crystals: the houses, the lights, even the ponies! No matter, though, at least the populace will be easier to subdue; all I have to do is smack them with a baseball bat or something. A few miles from the walls, Mizzietta drops down, and we begin to discuss battle plans.

"So, how do we do this, we storm the gates, or do you fly me to the castle?" I ask. Mizzieta then just walks up to the gates, and kicks both of them open, leaving me dumbstruck. For one, she just neglected any form of planning, which I did not expect (she always struck me as the calculating type), and then she just kicked down two giant, crystal gates without flinching. Needless to say, I'm pretty stunned.

"Well? Stop gawking and get in there. I'll cover you." Mizzietta says, jerking her thumb towards the city.

"What?" is my brilliant reply.

"Ugh, We're going in there and fucking shit up. What's so complicated about that? You get the heart, I cover you. It's a simple plan." Mizzietta explains.

"Unless your plans are to roast the ponies, who are made of fireproof crystal, by the way, or molest everyone to death, I don't see how you can be of much help." I say flatly.

"Oh, ha ha. You really think I'm that shallow?" She asks, and I give her a bored stare in return. Before I can say yes, Mizzy rudely interrupts me.

"Well, since you think me so weak, allow me to tell you that this amulet my uncle gave me is no ordinary bauble." She says, but I feel like challenging her claim, just for the hell of it. Besides, she lied to me once, why should I believe her a second time?

"Oh yeah? Prove it." I demand, and Mizzy gets pretty cross. Then, she opens her mouth, and a freakin' lightning bolt shoots out, almost hitting me and singing my robes, not to mention launching glassed dirt and earth everywhere and making my hair stand on end. Someone could have told me my helmet was highly conductive!!!

"Proof enough?" Mizzy asks, and I just nod, officially afraid of this crazy lizard.

"Good. Now, get going before the guards get here and trample you." She says, then takes off, landing on a building and acting dragon-ish, as was the plan. Meanwhile, I'm feeling really reluctant to go into that city, but I guess I have no choice: If she dies, her uncle's going to be pissed. And guess who he'll vent his frustration on? Anyway, so I rush into the door, picking up a big shard of the gate to use as a weapon. Then, the guards finally come, and there's a giant, mean-tempered dragon, and there's me. And who do they all charge at first? You guessed it; me. In seconds, I'm surrounded, and Mizzy's just blowing up civilians.

"Stand down and call your dragon off now, Malideus! We won't hesitate to kill you!" One says, and I don't feel particularly brave. However, I do feel like I can still win.

"Come on, guys, must you point sharp objects at me? Can't we just talk about this?" I ask, walking up to a guard, but they all get pretty irate at me for some reason.

"You can't talk your way out of this one, you monster! Call off your dragon, or we will kill you!" The guard says, pointing his sword at me.

"Oh, that's kind of a shame, because I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this." I say, secretly readying my makeshift weapon.

"Huh? Do wha- ACK!!!" the guard cries as I hit him across the head with my makeshift weapon, causing his head to blow into little crystal shards. Then, while the guards are disoriented, I sweep my leg under one closest to my left, move behind him, and lift him up, using him as a crystal meat shield.

"Alright, you crystal fucks, drop your blades, or your friend gets his head ripped off!" I yell, and the effect is instantaneous: The guards stop, drop their weapons, then back away slowly. Seeing that my reputation is still pristine here, I grab the captive guard's sword, shove him at his comrades, and run for my life, toward the castle. And, just as I thought, the guards gave chase, and were gaining on me.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" the leading guard shouts, and I honestly consider it, just to see them all crash just to try and stop. In fact, that's just what I do.

"As you wish." I say, and I come to an abrupt stop just as they're about to tackle me, sending them skidding and crashing into each other, and I laugh as the pile of guards writhes and struggles to get free of each other. Then, I make my break for the castle. However, I'm soon beset by more guards along the way, and I'm not exactly the athletic type. They chase me for a while, slowly catching up to me, and I feel my endurance waning. God, I hate running! But then, just as one guard ALMOST gets his hands around my robe, I hear a great, big explosion behind me, and I see crystal guard bits go everywhere as I turn around and see Mizzy throwing lightning at them. When all the guards are dead or incapacitated, Mizzy just smiles and calls out:

"You're welcome!" she shouts to me, to which I respond by flipping her the bird. Then, I try to run, but I'm exhausted from running, so I resort to speed walking to the castle. I make it after a while, but I'm so tired, I make the most anticlimactic entrance ever:

I open the door, and There's this one armored pony at the far end of the main room, facing away from me. Then, he turns, quite dramatically, and acknowledges my presence, gripping his shield and sword.

"Ha! I knew you'd show up here! Now, get ready to... Dude, are you okay?" the pony asks, dropping his stance after seeing me holding my gut and panting like I just ran a marathon, which I might as well have.

"I'm... Fine... Whew... I just... Just give me a moment..." I gasp, really out of breath. I hate exercise.

"I can, you know, wait if you want..." the pony says, but I put up my hand, and raise my sword.

"No, no, I'm fine." I say, popping my back.

"Now, pest, may I ask your name before I kill you?" I ask, my usual cockiness returning to me. Then, the pony returns to his stance, and answers.

"I am Shining Armor, husband of princess Cadence! I heard about your little incursion at Ponyville, and I'm NOT going to let that slide! Get ready to meet your end!" he says, and I laugh as confidently as possible.

"You think you can stop me?! In case you have not noticed, boy, I have a dragon outside, and I still outmatch you, even without her! Now drop your weapons, before this gets ugly." I say, twirling my newly-obtained sword for dramatic effect. Actually, I had no idea how to properly wield a sword, but I couldn't let him know that.

"I will! I'm gonna kick your butt all the way back to Tartarus!" Shining says, and I lower my sword, and grip my pocket sand, which has thankfully dried out.

"Then move closer, boy, so we can engage in glorious single combat!" I shout, my "evil voice" resonating throughout the room. Then, Shining laughs, and makes that stupid gesture where you wipe your thumb across your nose.

"Alright, bro! Since you asked so nicely, I might just go easy on you!" he calls, and then he charges me, but I'm not afraid, for I have pocket sand. He continues dashing to me, and I make no move. Finally, after a moment, he is finally upon me, sword raised, but I still make no move... at first. Then, when he is in mid-strike, I make my epic move:

"POCKET SAND, BITCH!" I yell, and before he can react, I fling my eroded payload into my assailant's eyes, causing him to falter, miss, and fall to the ground, crying out in pain from my granulated attack. At that moment, I feel almost as badass as Dale Gribble himself.

"Aagh, why did I fall for that!?!?" Shining cries, getting up, but still holding his face. Then, I elbow him in the back of the head, knocking him down, and kick his face, and he groans once before going out.

"That was for falling for the same exact trick as your sister, you dumbass!" I exclaim angrily, kicking him again. Then, Mizzietta comes in, shrinking down to my size again.

"Dude, I just killed, like, 300 guards. I need a break, man. Speaking of break, who's this guy?" she asks, inquisitively kicking Shining Armor.

"Just some asshole. Anyway, you said there'd be a crystal heart here. Where is it?" I ask, looking around.

"I dunno, Mal. Let's split up: You take downstairs, I'll take up." Mizzy explains, and I agree to it. After all, I hate towers, so I'm good with that. Heh, that's kinda funny, actually. An evil overlord, who hates towers? Can you imagine? Anyway, moving on.

"Alright. Meet back here as soon as we've searched?" I ask.

"You know it, cutie. Alright, let's get to work!" Mizzy exclaims with her usual endearing spunk, and off we go. I take downstairs, just like I agreed to, but something feels weird, kinda like I'm being followed. I look around, but there is nothing and no one anywhere, and I shrug it off, but the icky "something-bad's-gonna-happen" feeling slithers up my spine again, and I keep peering over my shoulder, since it only predicts bad things when they are going to happen to me. I had no worries about Mizzietta: that bitch could shoot lightning. I, however, had no defenses, so I had to keep constant vigilance, lest Shining's wife come looking for me. Oh crap, He said she was a princess, too, right?! Well, that warrants doubled alertness from me, and double speed.

So I run down the halls, knocking over anything and anyone in my way, and burst in through random doors I find, looking for any room that looked like it had a crystal heart in it. I come across a lot of guards in my way, but I strike them down with the sword I stole easily, but I still get this icky feeling like someone's following me, so I go into a random room, with the intention of hiding in it. But as soon as I look around the room, I find it looks, well, odd. I won't go into excessive details, but I noticed it was bigger, and darker. I look around, and great columns of pinkish crystal jut from the ground to the ceiling, making the room seem big and royal. I look to the other side of it, and I see what appears to be a crystal heart, which is exactly what I was looking for.

"Bingo, baby. Come to papa!" I say, but then stop. In all my experience in movies, video games and various roleplaying games, I've learned that nothing is as easy as it looks. I see there are no guards, so I draw two conclusions with my new-found evidence: Either these stupid pony-things need to work on security, or this room is booby trapped.

"Well, I am no booby!" I say, stepping carefully forward. Nothing happens, so I start checking around. I see no visible plates or tripwires, but I remember something: Crystals are notorious for lasers, and lasers can be invisible. I see no way these unadvanced creatures could use laser tripwires in anything, but I take no chances in anything anymore. I have depleted my usable pocket sand supplies for now, but I still have the finer, dust-like granules left. removing my gauntlet, I gripped the dust, and threw it into the air in front of me. And as the dust floated, holy hell, there were lasers! I think quickly, but seeing as how I'm not very flexible, I see no way past them.

"Well, might as well find out what they do..." I say, preparing to step into one. My robe gets in its way first, though, and the laser cuts it! Like, literally, burns right through the robe! I quickly jump back, and see my predicament.

"Holy shit, this shit's actually going to kill me!" I say, realizing my position. I can't get through without either skills, or...

"... A mirror..." I think aloud, looking at my polished gauntlets. I remember back to how they reflected light-based magic, so it was obvious that they could reflect lasers, too. To prove my theory, I put my gauntlet in front of the laser... And it works! The laser bounces off my gauntlet, and goes off into a random direction away from me. So with my dust and gauntlet, I dip, weave, and deflect my way to the crystal heart, until I finally make it to the end. Then, I take my time to inspect the heart. I don't see any traps tied to it, visible or not, so I tap it. The heart makes a pretty ringing sound that resonates throughout the chamber, but nothing really happens. So, I pick the heart off of the pedestal it rests on. Unfortunately, I did not take into account that the pedestal itself might have been a pressure trap, and I immediately regret my poor thinking skills as a giant boulder crashes down and starts to roll toward me.

"Where have I seen this before? Oh, right, everywhere!" I shout irritably as I run from the bolder, then jump to the left, holding up the crystal heart so it doesn't break, and letting the boulder roll past me, bumping into the lasers, cracking their lenses and rendering them unusable. Then, the boulder rolls into the door, breaking it open, then rolls back at me for round two. Unfortunately, I don't feel like going for another spat with this thing, so I run, dodge past the colossal rock, and run out the door, just as it lodges itself in the door itself, as if it was following me. Spooky. Anyway, I now have the heart, and Mizzy has to have searched all of the towers by now, so I make my way upstairs, hoping to catch her.

Finally, after an hour of walking and running, I finally reach the main floor, but I don't see Mizzy anywhere. In fact, I don't see anyone.

"Hello? Mizzy? Anyone?" I ask, looking around. However, I soon hear a voice:

"Malideus? I'm right here!" Mizzy says, appearing out of seemingly nowhere.

"Mizzy? I ask, wondering how she got down here so fast.

"Yeah, who else could it be? Hey, you found the heart! C'mon, hand it here and let's get out of here!" Mizziettta says, but there's something odd about her. I can't put my finger on it, put I get this feeling that I shouldn't give her the heart.

"I think I'll hold on to it. How did you even get down here so fast?" I ask.

"I got done upstairs, and I came back down. Now, are we getting out of here or not?" Mizzietta asks, and I get another icky feeling.

"I can't yet. I still have to rub it in Cadence's face! Man when she sees this..." I say, and Mizzietta seems to get impatient.

"Come on, you don't have the power to face her yet! Let's go, we can face her later. Let's get this heart in my collection and be done with it!" Mizzietta says impatiently. However, I notice something, and quickly become suspicious, so I start asking questions. I know something's up, and I think I know what, but I want to prove it first, in case I'm wrong.

"Woah, what's the rush, Mizzy?" I ask suspiciously. Luckily, 'Mizzy' doesn't catch on, and answers:

"I just want to be out before a whole army bears down on us! Come on, let's get out of here!" She says. However, I see a flaw: Mizzy never gets concerned for her own well-being. Plus, she's always perky and spunky about everything, even eminent danger and possible death. I'm getting warmer.

"What's the rush? If I use the heart, I'm sure to win. That is what you said, right?" I ask.

"Yeah, I did, but Cadence is more powerful than I thought! Even with the heart, you won't get past her! Come on, we should just go home." 'Mizzy' says, and I catch her again: Mizzietta never said I could use the heart to defeat Cadence, or even said anything about her in the first place! I think I have what I need, but I ask one more question, just to be safe.

"Alright, I suppose we can go, you big baby. Besides, aren't we having someone over at the cave?" I ask, almost shaking with anticipation.

"I don't think so..." The imposter says, and I catch her, grabbing her arm and bringing up my pimp hand.

"AHA!!! Three wrong answers in a row, bitch! Where's the real Mizzietta, you lying ho?" I ask fiercely, bringing her face closer to mine.

"Ahh! Wha-? I... Oh, darn. I thought I was doing so well..." The imposter says, and in a flash of green light, the imposter is gone, replaced by what looks like a pony, but with big bug-eyes, a chitinous shell, and holes at the end of her appendages... if it even WAS a 'her'...

"What are you? Start talking, before I squish you like the insect you are!" I demand, raising my pimp-hand in righteous anger.

"I'll talk! I'll talk! Just let me go!" the strange creature cries, tugging her arm from me to little avail.

"Then start, bitch. Why did you try to swindle my prize from me?" I ask.

"The queen wanted it! I think she said something about gaining power over all male minds using it, but I'm not sure, I just get the orders and do them!" she sobs, trying even harder to escape my grasp. I quickly grow tired of her attempts, and I loose the fury of my pimp hand upon the sniveling creature's face, stunning and silencing it. As she looks at me, fathomless terror in her bug-like eyes, I lower my hand.

"You're MY bitch now, imposter. Now start talking: what are you, and who sent you?" I ask simply, but threateningly. As if in a trance, the creature responds:

"I-I'm just a changeling... Queen Chrysalis wanted the heart, but I don't know why..." The changeling didn't even finish before I threw her to the ground.

"YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD FUCKIN' IDEA TO STEAL FROM ME!?" I scream at the cowering changeling, who now looks more likely to wet herself than answer me.

"I... I... I... I was just following orders..." The insect whimpers, before my inner white knight forces me to stop yelling. So I do, but I still slap the bitch again, causing her to yelp and fall over. I swear, my right hand must be magic.

"Not good enough! Do you know who I am!? Do you!?" I demand, and the changeling cowers again, curling into the fetal position to escape my beatings. I'm tempted to tell her to get the fuck up, but I've yelled enough, so I pick the struggling changeling up by her arm, and continue to question her, until the real Mizzietta walks down the stairs.

"Hey, Mal, I couldn't find the heart, and I heard you down here, so I was... What the fuck?! Mal, what is a changeling doing here, and why does she look like she's about to wet herself?" Mizzietta asks, looking at me like I was responsible. In my defense, though, the changeling started it.

"I'm sorting things out! This bitch tried to steal my heart!" I yelled, not knowing what I just said.

"... I really hope you meant the crystal heart by that." Mizzy says with a bemused expression.

"Anyway, why are you still hitting her if you already found her out? She's just a drone; let her go." Mizzy says, and I look to the changeling, near-literal fire in my eyes.

"You got lucky. Now get lost, before I finish the bitch-making process!" I demand, throwing the changeling to the door, and let me tell you, she took off faster than a Kenyan after a KFC delivery truck.

"Alright, I let her go. Now, where's Cadence? I need someone to vent on." I say.

"That's just it, Mal, I don't know." Mizzy says. "Maybe she's out on business?"

"Well, then let's bolt before she finds...out..." I say, looking to the door, and finding another pony, but she's pink, tall, and regal-looking, with a horn and wings.

"You must be Malideus. I take it it was you who almost killed my husband?" The pony, who I'm assuming is princess Cadence, asks. Uh oh.