Malideus

by Uberdeathninja

First published 29th of November, 2013

A normal teenager (who's an anti-brony, by the way) gets sent from a costume party to Equestria, and shenanigans ensue.

After going to that stupid costume party, a teenager named Chris wakes to find himself in a magical world of anthropomorphic ponies. Well, this world seems real enough, and he is dressed as a terrifying, evil wizard, so why not have some fun? Well, after making the wrong impression, Chris, now wanted under the moniker "Malideus", is now running for his life from four vengeful princesses, The Elements of Harmony, a dragon, and every one else who wants a piece of "Malideus". With the whole world out to get him, and no actual powers to speak of, what can Chris do to save himself? Getting his hands on some actual magic would be a start, but using it might take some practice.

Ch.1: One hell of a party

Hello, My name's Chris, not like anyone cares anymore. I'm trapped in this bloody place under the moniker "Malideus", all thanks to that fucking party. It seems pretty outlandish, but I'm seen as some kind of threat to these god-forsaken ponies. I don't even know what they are, but I just call them that because that's what they call themselves. I hate it here, but I guess I'm stuck until I force a way away from here out of someone, where ever "here" is. I guess I should start from the top, since this is more like another story. Here, Let's begin:

Lights. Music. Dancing. All my senses were filled with noise and light, and I was really enjoying it. I had just turned 18 last week, and my friends said they'd invite me to a party, but they somehow turned it into a rave. I guess metal does that to people. Either way, I was having a blast, and nothing was going to ruin this party. Plus, it was a costume party, and I went as a sorcerer of some kind. It was cool; I had a full helmet that covered my entire head and face, an awesome robe that I found while going Halloween shopping last year, and clawed gauntlets that had sharp fingers at least five inches long. In short, I looked awesome. Everyone said so, anyway. Anyways, enough about my ensemble, back to the main topic: The party.

I could go on for days about how awesome it was, except that there were at least ten people in retarded-as-all-fuck My Little Pony costumes, which really dampened my partying spirit, on account that there are but two things I absolutely find loathsome in this world: My Little Pony, and the fags that worship it. It's okay for girls to like it, in my mind, but really, guys? Have some fucking male pride, you jerks! Anyway, back to the story: So, I was just dancing, trying to enjoy the music, when I start to feel a bit weird. I figure that it's normal, considering I had at least two glasses of vodka, and it was bound to catch up to me eventually. So I party on, completely oblivious to this sinking feeling, like a really bad elevator ride, but going sideways, like that crazy elevator from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The newer one, I mean. Moving on, there was this feeling, and it wouldn't go away, so I walk around for a bit, clutching my head. Suddenly, this Brony, god forbid it should be anyone else, walks up to me and offers me another glass of alcohol. Under normal circumstances, I would have politely told him to take his beer and shove it up his horse-loving ass, but I was both drunk and had that horrible feeling in my head and guts, so I took it, and I'll never know exactly why. Anyway, on with the story.

I take the drink, and walk around for a bit, feeling just fine. However, around 3:45 am, that god-damned sinking feeling comes back with a bloody vengeance, and I try to fight it off, but it just keeps getting worse, and I stumble out of the house the party was in. I try to vomit, but nothing comes out. I try to walk it out, but my legs keep getting weaker. Finally, I see this really bright, colorful flash of light, and I finally pass out.

It seems like hours before I wake up, and I wake up in a field, under an apple tree, and still in costume.

"Weird..." I think, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm nowhere I remember. Not the party, not my house, just this farm in the middle of nowhere. The place looks so peaceful and idyllic, so I just sit there, thinking of what I should do.

"You're likely miles from home, with no way to get back. I'm sure you've just been reported a missing person, and the police probably aren't even looking for you. Ugh... Sometimes I hate my life." I said to myself. After the quick rest, I get up, and pick up my staff, which was part of my costume. Figuring I might need it later, like if I have to hike up a mountain or something, I take it with me as I go away from the farm, figuring that I don't need to bother it's inhabitants. Besides, I doubted that they'd be of much help anyway; they didn't look like the type of folk who'd have a phone, or even a telegraph. So I walk on, in a random direction. I think that if I keep walking, I'll either find a road, or die from exhaustion. Well, I don't really get very far before I'm exhausted, and feeling like resorting to plan B: dying. I don't have a very good job, and not many friends, so I figure I won't be missed. Besides, I'm not scared of dying...too much. Yet I trudge on, sweltering in my robes, and feeling like the only thing keeping me alive is the shade from my helmet. Nonetheless, I'm half-dead, thirsty (for water, not booze), and starving. But I walk on. Suddenly, though, the grace of god shines through, and I see a railroad track.

"Yes! Railroads mean trains, and trains lead to civilization!" I think aloud. So I continue my journey with renewed vigor, and get to a point where I see a village.

"A village? First a farm, now a village? What, did I somehow go back in time?" I ask, obviously frustrated. Believe me, it was about to get worse. So I walk down this railroad for a while, toward the village, but I get this sinking suspicion that I shouldn't go there. I acknowledged this feeling, but I have to ignore it. However, I hear heavy rumbling behind me, and I look behind me. Sure enough, I hear a whistle, like that of a really old-fashioned train, and I see this hideous, purple, tiny train chugging along down the rails. Without thinking, I jump out of the way as it speeds by, chugging merrily down the tracks. I'm disgusted by the horrid thing, but for two reasons: One, it hurt my pride to even look at it, and Two, it looked incredibly familiar, like a bad but distant memory. I distantly recalled one of my friends making me watch an entire season of My Little Pony (and barely surviving the ordeal) when I saw that train, and then I put the pieces together with great horror and disgust: It was the very same train from that thrice-damned show!

"No... No, this can NOT be real, in any way! I'm probably just hallucinating." I said to try and comfort myself, but evidence piled up against my theory: Why would I hallucinate about this horrible show, of all things?

"Maybe it's some kind of horrible, twisted nightmare." A voice within me reasoned. This seemed likely, so I pinched myself to check if I was conscious. I was, unfortunately. That hope dashed, my inner voice reasoned one last theory:

"Maybe we landed in some kind of town that worships the show?" My inner voice asked more than theorized. I was inclined to dash that thought, as I would have heard of something like that happening, but I chose to remain open to that idea for one reason: I was not about to believe I magically teleported to a child's show. Thinking that to be the case, I walked to the village, as much as I REALLY didn't want to, to see if I couldn't find a phone I could bear to hold to my face, and call someone I could stand to talk to. As I walked down, I started seeing people in the streets, but something was... off, for lack of a better word. Something about their heads was odd, but I figured that everyone was just in costume, and I highly considered turning back and taking my chances with the unforgiving wilderness. However, my laziness got the better of me, and I continued my questionable route. As I approached the edge of the village, everyone in the area looked at me like I had grown a second head. I noticed their "costumes", and I was already put in too bad a mood to put up with their shit, mostly on account of how damn detailed they were. Why, I could practically see the fear on their faces as they stared at me.

"What the fuck are you freaks looking at?!" I demanded, sending everyone running for their lives. I'll admit it, I might have overreacted, but my costume wasn't that terrifying. In fact, it was supposed to be more cool than scary. But alas, my refusal to accept the only other remaining theory was too great, but I was going to find out why they ran later. In the meantime, I merely walked through the town, as people shut their blinds and locked their doors. I'll admit, though I despised these people, I felt pretty good about myself as I watched the freaks cower from me. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I felt pretty powerful, like I could make this town into rubble if I so chose. However, my fun was cut short when someone behind me called out:

"Hey, you! Can I help you with something, or at least know why you're terrorizing these poor citizens?" I turned to the source of the voice, and recognized the freak on first sight: It appeared to be none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle, but anthro.

"Nice costume, you freak. Now go away, I'm trying to get out of this dumb town." I said, unaware of the reality of the situation.

"Costume?! I'l have you know that this crown is the real deal, pal! Who are you, anyway?" The purple creature asked aggressively. I just laughed.

"Real? Let me guess, you think you're "Twilight Sparkle", don't you? You gonna use some "friendship" on me? Ooh, scary." I mocked. Not my best move, but I thought nothing of it at the time. However, I began to have my suspicions when her face started to turn red, and her face turned into one hell of a grimace.

"Don't taunt me! It seems you know who I am, but you don't seem to understand your situation. Tell me who you are, or I'll have to incapacitate you." Princess Twilight demanded. I began to have too many suspicions about this place, but I heeded none of them, and I was still in a pretty pissy mood. So, I responded as aggressively (and foolishly) as possible, and walked up to the odd creature that called itself Twilight.

"You think you're pretty powerful, huh? You got magic, do you? Then why don't you poof your way out of this!" I shouted.

I then pimp-slapped the interloper across the face, sending her sprawling to the ground, clutching her face. It was then I realized two things: One, my gauntlets were now real metal, whereas before they were just plastic, and two, the "person" I just slapped was now bleeding. And not, lightly, but really badly. This meant only two things: One, I was, indeed, teleported to a little girl's show, albeit a screwed-up version, and Two, I just royally fucked up. The second realization was brought to further light when the Purple Princess got up, an indescribable look of sheer hatred and rage on her face.

"I don't think you know how much trouble you're in, sir..." Twilight said menacingly.

I gulped quietly. However, I stood strong. I don't know why, but I felt that I could bluff my way out of this, since I could bluff my way out of anything. Plus, this full helmet blocked my face, so she couldn't tell if I was lying or not. Besides, I was in a little girl show, so why not have some fun with the hapless inhabitants? Deciding my course of action, I cleared my throat, and began in my evillest voice, perfected from years of being Dungeon Master in every game of D&D. (yeah, I'm a nerd, but you're probably a brony, so you can't judge me, freak.)

"Poor, foolish, little mortal... You think it is I who is in any danger? Such naivete... you will make an excellent slave." I said as deeply and evilly as I could. Apparently it was good enough, because Twilight seemed to be cowed by this for a second. However, her face soon turned to one of great determination.

"Who do think you are? You think you can just hit me and get away with it? Just who are you? Answer me, now!" Twilight demanded, and I laughed menacingly in response.

"I? I go by many names, as I have traveled many universes, and felled peasants more powerful and skilled than you, worm. As for my name, you may call me... Malideus." I responded, coining the name off the top of my head. It sounded menacing enough, might as well roll with it, right?

"Well, Malideus, this universe be your last! I'm going to beat you back to wherever you came from!" Twilight shouted, her horn lighting up. At that point, I figured it was time to put up or shut up... forever. Thinking fast, I suddenly remembered where I was: a cartoon. If my gauntlet was metal now, imagine what else changed! Searching my pockets, I found just what I was looking for: Pocket sand!

"Any last words, demon?" Twilight asked, ready to annihilate me.

"Just two, pest." I said in my bad-guy voice.

"What?" She asked. Suddenly, I swept my hands out of my pockets, and flung the granular contents of said pocket at Twilight's eyes, and Shouted at the top of my lungs:

"Pocket Sand!" I yelled as my attack struck home, causing Twilight to scream in pain as she put her hands to her eyes in an effort to remove the sand from them. As Twilight fell to the ground, in tears due to the sand, I made my escape. I ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could, dodging through crowds, or just plowing through them, and dodging between buildings in an effort to lose the princess who was now out for my blood. As I ran past what appeared to be a cupcake shop or something, however, I slammed into another anthropomorphic pony. I didn't see her, but I definitely flipped over her, and we both ended up on our backs. As I got up, I looked around to see who I'd just rammed into, but I saw no one. Until, that is, a pink, furry hand shoved itself in my face, as if wanting me to take it. As I looked up, I saw the last thing I wanted to ever see: She was happy, fuzzy, bouncy, and pink, wearing a light blue tutu, a colorful, poofy shirt, and a similarly colored bow in her hair. The pony I was seeing right now was none other than Pinkie Pie, the most hated on my list of disgusting characters, which was saying something.

"Hya, Friend! Here, let me help you up!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

Angry and confused, I shoved the hand away from my face, and got up, continuing my sprint away from the damnable town. However, Pinkie inexplicably popped up right in front of me, causing me to skid to a halt. Unfortunately, she was too close in front of me, and I ended up slamming into her. This time, though, only I fell down. She then crouched down and tried to make conversation:

"Where's the fire, friend? Are you in a hurry? Ooh, Are you new here!? I've never seen you around before! I need to throw you a party, ASAP! We need cake, confetti, Hey, are you even listening?" The pink nuisance ranted, causing me to clutch my head in pain, except I couldn't reach through my helmet. After getting up, I bolted away from the blubbering pink pest, only to find that she was running right along beside me... Backwards!

"Why are you running? Don't you like parties? Why don't you talk? Are you shy?" She asked. Finally, I had enough. I stopped, turned to her, and loosed my fury:

"NO!!! I'm not shy, I don't like parties, and I don't want to talk to you, or be your friend, or have anything to do with you, you psychotic, autistic, broken-skulled half-wit!!! NOW GET LOST, BEFORE I TEAR YOU A FUNCTIONAL NEW ASSHOLE!!!!!" I screamed as loudly as I could, causing her mane to fly back, then fall flat over her eyes, which were now filling with tears. Then, she started to whimper.

"Oh, god... Don't you start!" I demanded, but to no avail. When she got to the part where she cried, I just walked off. I didn't care about her feelings, and I'm sure that came to bite me in the ass later, but for now, I had to get out of that place. I ran as fast as I could, oblivious to everything around me, until I reached the edge of town. However, a sudden force field blocked my way, and I fell flat on my ass. I then looked behind me to see who was responsible for the outrage... and I immediately wished I hadn't. A familiar purple shape hit the ground behind me, a look of satisfaction on her face. Her eyes looked a bit red, But that was probably from the sand I threw in them.

"I have you now, Malideus! Now, face your sentence like a stallion!" She said, readying a spell. However, I wasn't ready to die any time soon, so I got up, and swished my robe for dramatic effect.

"You can't defeat me, Princess! I'm more than you think I am!" I said, hoping the puzzling sentence would confuse her. However, it did not.

"That may be, but I am the princess here, and you will submit, willingly or not! Now, get on your knees so that I can turn you to stone for a few thousand years." Twilight replied. That option was infinitely worse than death, so I thought of my own way out:

"Okay, Princess, you have me. I will submit willingly, but you must answer me one riddle! Answer correctly, and I shall submit peacefully." I said, and Twilight seemed to ponder this. Finally, she agreed.

"Alright, one riddle. Then you will be arrested." Twilight said, crossing her arms. I smiled as I slowly pulled a smoke bomb from my left pocket, then asked my riddle:

"You are about to be executed. The judge, who is also the executioner, gives you a choice: "If you tell me the truth, I will slay you with a sword. If you tell a lie, however, I will slay you with a spear. What do you say to stay alive?" I asked, and Twilight, pondered this.

"Eh... Hmm... Spear for a lie, sword for the truth... how to answer..." She mumbled, and I stood there, growing more and more bored as I did. Finally, she seemed struck with inspiration, and answered:

"You say "You will slay me with a spear"!" Twilight answered enthusiastically. I just laughed as I thought of her face as I dashed her hopes.

"That is the correct answer, but not the one I was looking for, I'm afraid." I said, and she looked as though I had just slapped her across the face again.

"What?! Then what was the answer you wanted?" She asked, dumbfounded. I just laughed again.

"My answer was: You don't say anything; you escape!" I said, throwing the smoke bomb at the ground.

As smoke exploded everywhere, Twilight reeled back in shock, covering her face in an effort to protect it, and I ran, getting out of sight within seconds, but not out of hearing range, as I could hear Twilight crying out in frustration that I had just duped her, not once, but twice! However, I wasn't enjoying my victory, for I knew she was going to pull something big soon, and I was going to need more than sand and smoke bombs to worm my way out of our next encounter: I needed magic. Unfortunately, I had none. However, I was able to remember something from one episode of the dumb-as-fuck show I was forced to watch thanks to a questionable friend of mine: An Amulet that had serious magic in it. What was it now, the Unicorn necklace? No... Alicorn Amulet, I think. Yes, that had to be it. Anyway, I knew then and there that I needed that amulet. But first, I need a place to stay. However, I was now in a world I would rather die than be a part of, but the death part was going to be a guarantee if I didn't find shelter. I removed my helmet, then realized where I was: I was lost in a forest, thanks to my careless thinking.

"God DAMMIT!!! I hate this place!!!" I shouted as I kicked a tree. Deciding to vent later, I turned around to get out of the forest, but heard a growl from some bushes. Putting my helmet back on, I ran deeper into the forest like an idiot, desperately trying to escape the growling, which was increasing in volume. Soon, though, I stumbled upon my salvation: A ruins, like that of an old castle. It was run-down and destroyed, but it was shelter. Running into the ruins, I realized that the growling had stopped, and I sat down, and thought of my current situation: I was lost, with no food, and miles from any civilization. If I was going to survive and retain my sanity, I needed to think, and so I thought. I thought long and hard, but I soon fell asleep. I guess it was no surprise, considering my ordeal, but the weird part was that I wasn't feeling anything about any of this. I just acted, like it was no big deal. Oh well, I suppose. I guess it's a good thing. I just hoped that no one else found me. Unfortunately, someone did, or rather, something.

Ch.2: It all catches up

I didn't see who or what they were, as they kept their distance. But, I did know they were there, and I didn't like it.

"Who's out there? Show yourself!" I cried, but they never did. Oh well. I had other things to worry about. Like, for instance, I had just come down from my autopilot mode, and was now freaking out. I was in an alien world, with no food, no help, and no way out. To make things more bleak, I now had a virtual goddess and her lackeys after me, and she seemed like the kind of person that tattles, so I should include the big cheese herself, Celestia, I think it was, to my list of apocalyptic problems.

"You're going to die! Take off the costume and ask for help!" My inner voice cried.

"What, and walk around naked? I'd rather die with dignity, thank you." I told it.

"Better naked than dead, you half wit!" My inner voice retorted. I was done arguing with my conscious at that point, so I shut it out.

"I just need a way to defend myself from these ponies, and I'm solid. But where am I going to get magic?" I asked myself, and my situation seemed more and more bleak as I thought. But I had to do something, even if it wasn't something I was proud of. I needed a demon. I tried to think of how I could summon something as powerful as that, but nothing came to mind short of sacrificing a goat to Satan, and that included selling my soul, which I needed, to him. I started freaking out and hyperventilating and all that panicking stuff that people do when they get terrified out of their wits, when I suddenly remembered a helpful bit of useful knowledge: Twilight owned a library! If safe demon-summoning rituals were anywhere, they had to be there. So, I gathered myself and attempted to set out for the library, but I didn't make it very far before I was beset by something big: A slender, violet-scaled dragon, with red stripes running along its length, and an air of immeasurable malice about it. I tried to panic, but my autopilot kicked in at that moment, and I readied my staff. I had no idea how a giant stick was going to save me from five tons of scales and reptile flesh, but I figured that if I was going to die, I was going to do so looking like a badass. However, the dragon paid no mind to my display, just smiled smugly, like I was some kind of toy that came to life and rebelled against its master.

"Stay away from me, you overgrown iguana!" I shouted at the dragon, but, or rather, she, by her voice, just laughed.

"Well, You've quite a mouth on you. Guess the rumors of your ill temper were an understatement." The dragon said, lowering herself into a more relaxed pose.

"Rumors? I just got here." I said. Indeed, I figured that there would be rumors of my bad attitude and general brutality, but I never expected them to spread so damn fast. Then, I realized: I went off on Pinkie Pie. Of course something like that was going to get around.

"I suppose..." I sighed.

"So I guess you're going to kill me and return my body for some kind of ransom, then?" I asked.

"I thought about it at first... But then I had a realization: I fancy myself a collector of sorts, mostly of rare things. And then I thought... My hoard could use a protector of sorts. And what better to protect my stash than a wizard who can stand up to and injure a princess of Equestria?" The dragon said thoughtfully, and I gulped internally.

"So? What are you going to do? Hang me up like some kind of ornament?" I asked.

"Of course not! I just thought we could work something out, you and me. I need someone to just be around my cave, make sure no one steals anything, and you need someone to keep you away from the princesses. Plus, it'd be nice to have some company." She replied with a sly smile. I didn't like the way this conversation was going, and I needed a way to defend myself before a princess showed up to destroy me. So, I did the one thing I was renowned for: Bluffing.

"You do realize that if the princesses find out about me being in your lair, they're going to destroy you too, right?" I bluffed. The dragon seemed to comprehend this, but waived the thought off.

"I see your point, but I can keep a secret quite well. What happens in my lair, stays in my lair. Well, most things..." The dragon replied shyly. This clearly wasn't working, and I still had no way to protect myself. For a split second, I thought of taking the dragon on her offer, but I quickly dismissed the thought. After all, It doesn't sound like a lot of a life to be stuck in a cave as some kind of ornament. However, I regained the thought, and devised a cunning plan. If dragons were as smart as I thought they were, this plan would work brilliantly. Unfortunately, I forgot to take their tenacity into account, but that's later. Now, I had this great plan, and I quickly jumped on it:

"Alright, I'll go. It's got to be better than sittin' in this forest for the rest of my life." I said, shrugging.

"Really, just like that? No demands, or threats, or running away?" She asked.

"Nope. I need protection, and a dragon always seems like a suitable candidate, especially one as powerful and intimidating as yourself." I half-lied. True, she was big and intimidating, but all dragons are. Besides, the best way to a lady's heart is through flattery, no matter their species. You just have to find the right words to use, which is why I'm so good at it. Females are so easy to manipulate, especially the younger ones.

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." She said, blushing, and batting her eyes at my compliment as her red stripes seemed to brighten. I felt like vomiting, not because the gesture disgusted me; she wasn't the most hideous thing I'd ever seen, after all, but because I felt a horrible dread that this was going to fail horribly. Though she was young, she was still a dragon, and I was still a petty human being. However, I had to keep a straight face as she picked me up and carried me back to her lair. Did I mention that I HATE being manhandled? It's demeaning. But, I really had no other choice. It was either sit around and wait to get eaten or obliterated, or spend some time as a treasure-sitter. The choice, I think, was obvious. I just wish I didn't have to be held like some kind of doll. Anyway, so we arrive at the lair in about a minute, or maybe more. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Anyways, I reach the dragons lair, and I'm pretty dumbstruck. I've never seen a pile of shining gold stuff and gems as big as the one I bore witness to, and likely wouldn't again for a while.

"Well, here's my lair. I know, it's kind of pitiful, but I'm working on it..." The dragon said shyly. So insecure. This was going to be too easy.

"It's not that bad. I haven't seen many hoards big as yours." I said, causing her to blush again. "By the way, you've never told me your name." I said, trying to appeal to my "captor" by seeming to care.

"My name..? Eh, It's kinda stupid..." She replied.

"It can't possibly be the worst name I've heard today. Just tell me." I said. I meant it, too. Pony names are fucking ridiculous. Why do people watch this damn show?!

"Well, if you insist... It's Mizzietta." The dragon replied timidly. Honestly, it was the most normal-sounding name I'd ever heard today, and I told her that.

"That's the most normal name I've heard today. Actually, It's pretty cool. Why do you hate it?" I asked. Then, I learned why I hate talking to girls: They go off like bombs.

"Because it's just crazy! They could have named me something normal, like Mia, or Naia, or even Jewel, but I had to get the crazy name!" Mizzietta went off, leaving me forced to listen to her life story, which I dozed off through half of.

"...And another thing, I am not my mother! She was a horrible beast, and the only one I could trust was my uncle Bolas! Why did he have to be able to travel dimensions while I got stuck in this hellhole with people I don't even like? It's not fair! And then there's my brothers, who are all even worse! I swear, It's like no one understands." Mizzietta ranted. I was tempted to make a snide remark, but I had to remember that I was only human, and she was a giant, fire-breathing dragon. So, I just went with it.

"Yeah, I totally understand." I lied. I didn't really understand anything she said, but I was not going to hear the details of her insanity. All I got was that she hated her name, and her mom, and I caught some giblets of the dreaded "Daddy Issues". But still, the answer satisfied her. In fact, it seemed to shock her.

"You... Understand?" She asked, as if the concept was completely foreign to her. I then remembered hearing her talk about not having many friends because one of her brothers kept driving them off. I will tell you right now, I don't feel bad for anyone, not even my own family most times. But after hearing Mizzy's story, I actually felt my cold, black heart twinge a little when she asked that.

"Yeah, I'm not exactly a spotlight child, either. Hell, I'm surprised I even had friends. Ah, well." I said.

"I see..." she said, eyeing me curiously, which kind of freaked me out a little. Then she got up, and walked over to her hoard.

"Well, you see the cave, and you know your way around it." She said, still eyeing me uncomfortably.

"Why do you need me here, if you can just lay on your hoard? You can't possibly have any problems here." I told her, looking around.

"Well, I may not have been entirely truthful with you, Malideus..." Mizzietta said cautiously, as if she was afraid of me. I almost laughed at that, but I had to stifle it and act tough, because I was likely not going to like her explanation.

"What do you mean, wyrm? Explain yourself!" I demanded in my bad-guy voice. Surprisingly enough, she seemed scared of me. Anyway, back to the story.

"I just... I wanted to speak with you. I heard about your powers, and I need someone to help me." Mizzietta said, shuffling nervously. I hate doing things for people, I really do, but I had a really bad feeling that her uncle Bolas wouldn't be as afraid of me as she was, So I reluctantly agreed to do it... Whatever "it" was.

"Alright, but you could have just told me in the forest." I replied.

"No, I couldn't. Listen, This is why I dragged you here to tell you: There's a town nearby, called Ponyville. You should have heard of it, because I heard you've been there before." She said. At that exact moment, my heart fell to the deepest recesses of my stomach, and I froze up faster than a 30-year-old computer trying to run Skyrim.

"No! I'm not going back there! Eh, I mean, I can't, because... I have a perfectly valid reason." I told her. In honesty, it was indeed a valid reason: If I went back there, I was going to die, painfully. However, Mizzietta looked so downtrodden, that i actually felt bad for her, which scared me... a lot.

"Well, I did have this reward I was going to give to whoever did this favor..." Mizzy said sadly, holding up a red-gemmed amulet that looked vaguely like an alicorn.

"What is that?" I asked.

"This? Just the Alicorn Amulet. Picked it up from a raid two weeks ago. I didn't need it, so I figured..." Her lament was interrupted by my thoughts at that moment. She didn't need it, but I did, and badly. So badly, in fact, that my dumb, tired brain decided to make me accept the quest.

"Wait! I meant to say, uh, I won't go back without payment up front! I'm very precise. Give me the amulet, and it's a deal." I said. Mizzy looked at me with a very confused look, and shook her head, smiling smugly.

"Nope. First you have to do the task, then you get paid. That's how this works." She said. I, however, was terrified. She was doing this for one reason: She knew I wasn't as powerful as I let on. What else did she know? As thoughts of what she figured out filled my head, I began to panic badly.

"You dare..." I stammered, but Mizzietta only laughed.

"I guess you've figured it out then, huh? Not as great and mighty as others think, huh?" Mizzietta taunted.

"Yeah, I figured it out when you told me you understood what I was saying. That sounded too understanding for such an evil, powerful wizard. You're a great talker, boy, but you're a terrible liar. I just needed the right proof. And now, I have it. Tell me, "Malideus", are you even a pony under that getup?" Mizzietta asked.

"...Fine, you got me. I'm not a wizard, and I'm not a pony." I then removed my helmet to prove my point, and Mizzietta's smile grew wider. "So why keep me around, then? You know I'm a fraud, why not roast me already?" I demanded, accepting any fate laid before me. I was many things, but a coward was not one of them. However, Mizzy had other plans.

"I'm not going to kill you for two reasons. One, I understand that you really hate ponies. I do, too. Two, I like you. You talk pretty good for a kid. You had me going for a while, and that takes skill. And call me weird, but I think you're pretty cute. However, you are right. Why would I need you if you're not a wizard?" Mizzietta asked rhetorically.

"Well, It's simple: I need you. That artifact I was talking about was real. It's a necklace my uncle gave me, and it's really powerful, and even more important. However, it's also really protected. Only someone smaller than, but just as intimidating as me could ever hope to retrieve it... If you catch my drift." She explained. And after hearing that plan, I couldn't help but feel the utmost respect for this dragon. Yeah, I could have done without the "you're cute" part, but I really liked the plan.

"And if I die?" I asked. Mizzietta laughed.

"I promise, I won't let that happen, cutie." She replied, and I began to feel really, really uncomfortable around her. Like, I could shrug it off before, but I couldn't anymore.

"And if I refuse?" I asked, crossing my arms. Suddenly, as if in response, the dragon presses me against the ground with her claws, and puts her face really close to mine.

"Well, if you refuse, You're still too rare to let go, and I'd hate to see you get killed out there..." Mizzietta began, and I think I lost feeling in my face due to how much blood was rushing to it.

"Point taken. I'll go ahead and head out right now." I said, trying to escape the big horny lizard that now had me pinned to the ground.

"What, now? At this hour of the night? You might need your rest..." Mizzietta asked sultrily, getting slowly closer to me. First off, let me say, I was not, in ANY way, turned on by this. Plus, there were several things wrong with this scenario: One, interspecies intercourse does NOT suit well with me. Two, I was NOT okay with being an eternal sex toy for some giant lizard with mommy issues, and three, the most important reason, it was going to be five tons of scales and reptile flesh on one 135-pound human. I could forsee several ways that could end, and none of them were pleasant. Those things in mind, I try weaseling:

"I don't need rest! Besides, night is the perfect time to sneak in and steal something. Everyone will be sleeping!" I more pleaded than explained. However, Mizzy was having none of it.

"You're not very stealthy." She shot down that answer with extreme prejudice, leading me to believe that she didn't even want her necklace. Still, I had to try.

"I'll get the fucking necklace for you, just let me go!" I finally pleaded. Mizzietta seemed oblivious at first, but then seemed to ponder, tapping a claw on her chin, then she smiled.

"Alright. Get me the necklace, then return here for your reward. However, if you flake... Well, let's just say you won't be feeling those legs of yours for a while, or anything below your waist, for that matter." She said, and then she let me go.

As I climbed down the mountain the cave was in, I started to wonder if this was going to be a regular thing. Then, as I reached the bottom, I put my helmet back on, and headed off. Thankfully, I have infallible recall, so I (barely) made it back to the edge of the forest closest to Ponyville. God, I hate that name. Apparently, on account of a note Mizzy sent me off with (which had WAAAY too many X's and O's on the bottom for my comfort), the necklace was in a clothier in the market district. I figured it would be easy enough, except I had a sinking felling on account of the fact that one of the Mane 6 runs a clothier. Praying to whatever god (or goddess) that would listen that this wasn't the same one, I trudged on toward the town. Thankfully, it was still night, so I had no trouble getting into the town on account of my black robes. However, finding the clothier had to have been the most grueling, time-consuming task it had ever been my misfortune to undertake, but I managed to find it, and with moonlight still at my disposal. Using my clawed gauntlets, I unlocked the door, and slid inside, leaving my metal boots at the door. I slid throughout the shop like a shadow, looking through drawers for the necklace, which supposedly looked like a pair of horns with an oval between the tips. I looked, but could find no such amulet. Suddenly, though, I hear a noise behind me, and I turn, in all my robed, armored glory, towards the source: A small child. Or so I think. As I look at the terrified kid, I notice that she's a pony, too, which gets my blood boiling. However, we both stand in silence for a solid minute, but then the rug rat decides to run upstairs, so I move like a bolt of lightning in front of her, pick the kid up, and hold her mouth shut, keeping her ear close to my face so I can make my demands:

"Listen, kid, and listen good. You're going to stay quiet, or I'm going to slit your throat. I'm here for one thing, and you're going to tell me where it is, now. Comprende`?" I whisper viciously. The kid nodded vigorously, tears streaming down her face, then I set her down.

"Now, runt, I want you to help me find all the necklaces in this house and bring them to me. Now." I told her, and the kid ran upstairs, rummaging through drawers, while I searched the various rooms, until I came across one last one. At that moment, however, The kid comes running up to me with all these necklaces, none of them the one I was looking for. Feeling very disappointed, I hold my hand to my helmeted face, sighing.

"Am I going to die?" The kid asks, terrified out of her wits, and I sigh again.

"Not if you're out of my sight in ten seconds..." I groan, and the kid runs off to her room, locking the door. That done, I gently open the last door... And see something that causes my heart to drop. Sleeping in the bed in that room was none other than the Element of Generosity herself. Silently cursing whichever god (or goddess) that caused this to happen, I slowly crept to the nightstand beside the bed. Carefully, oh so carefully, I opened the nightstand drawer as silently as possible, not making a single squeak as I pulled it out. As soon as it was open, I looked inside, and saw a little jewelry box. I slowly take the box out, taking extreme caution not to disturb its contents, and open it ever so slowly, and carefully, and peer inside. When I did, I almost jumped for joy, but refrained, for what lay inside was the very amulet I was looking for. I then take the amulet out, careful not to disturb the other rings and necklaces it rested upon, then carefully put the box back, shut the drawer, and tried to get out, but then someone gasped loudly behind me, and I froze in place, hoping that would make me invisible. Unfortunately, it did not, and Rarity got out of bed, taking an offensive stance as she addressed me:

"Stop right there, thief! Who are you, and what have you taken from me? Answer now, or I'll-" Her annoying speech was interrupted mid-sentence when I turned around, revealing my helmet and gauntlets to the pony. As soon as she saw the helmet, I swear she almost fainted, stumbling, before grabbing the bed and stammering in terror.

"You...You're that wizard... The one... Twilight..." She didn't finish before fainting.

"That was easy." I said, then I turned, and ran out the door as fast as I could, grabbing my boots and putting them on, then I bolted again. I ran quickly, but I tripped over my robe, and fell into the ground, which caused a ruckus that woke everyone, judging by the lights that went on. Cursing my luck, I continue my sprint, but someone tackles me, and I fall again. Now let me tell you, I'm getting pretty tired of falling, so I turn to punch whoever tackled me, and I see that it's Rarity! She must have recovered and decided to stall me, and now she was clinging to my legs while I struggled to get rid of her.

"Fucking heroes..." I mutter before turning and grabbing her hair in an attempt to pull her off. Thankfully (and predictably), she grabs her hair in an effort to save it, and releases me. As soon as she does, I get up, grab the interloping bitch by the throat, and lift her off her feet. It wasn't hard, since she was surprisingly light, but she started screaming, causing me to grasp my helmet with my spare hand, and then she starts kicking. If it was a normal person, I would have been able to take it like a champ, because feet can only be so hard. But no, these pests had fucking horse legs, complete with hooves, and each kick was like getting hit with a baseball bat at terminal velocity. So, naturally, I throw her aside, and run as fast as I can. I run, but I'm suddenly surrounded by four ponies: Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, and an orange one with a cowboy hat I'd never seen before, but I'm pretty sure was Applejack. Either way, I was trapped. However, that didn't stop me from acting badder than I really was.

"What is this foolishness? How did you four gather so quickly?!" I asked in my commonly-used evil voice.

"That doesn't matter now! Now we have you, and you're going to face justice like any other criminal!" Princess Twilight said, causing my blood to boil.

"My affairs in this fetid town do not concern you, Princess! Stand aside, or risk destruction!" I said as boldly as I could.

"Oh yeah? You and what army, wizard?" Applejack asks, and I feel like punching someone. However, I restrain myself, and I simply respond:

"I need no army, inbred. I only need this." I say, pulling out the necklace I stole from Rarity, and everyone gasps.

"H-how did you..?" Rarity asks.

"It doesn't matter! He's bluffing. He doesn't know how to use it!" Twilight exclaims.

"Don't I?" I ask, holding the amulet as if about to put it on.

"Oh, gosh, he's gonna do it!" Pinkie exclaimed, terrified.

"He's gotta be pullin' somethin'." Applejack said hastily.

"As I said, worms, my business here is none of your concern. If you value your lives and the lives of those who live in this town, you'll step aside." I demanded. In reality, I didn't want to put the thing on, for fear that I might explode or something, but it was clearly scaring them, so I threatened to do so. And finally, Twilight steps aside.

"Wise choice, pest." I say, acting like I knew she would do that. However, I was actually very, very relieved. At first, I felt that she might call my bluff, but I'm just too good for that... or so I thought.

"NOW!" Twilight shouts, and I'm suddenly hyper-tackled by a cyan blur, and both me and my assailant land in a tree, and I let go of the amulet.

"No!" I cry, pushing the prismatic-maned pony aside, and grabbing the amulet. However, I clearly dive at the right time, because while I was falling, a beam of magic flies over me, turning the tree to stone.

"No! Get him!" Twilight cries, casting another spell, but I dodge that one, too, sidestepping to the right as the bolt wizzes by me. Then, I kick into autopilot again. Pinkie tries to block my way, so I spin past her, causing her to fall over, then I shove Applejack to the side, into Rainbow Dash, who was trying to blindside me, and then move swiftly up to Rarity, who's stunned by the performance I just pulled (and frankly, so am I), and I headbutt her, knocking her down. Finally, I reach Twilight, and put her in a headlock, my metal claws placed dangerously close to her neck. Meanwhile, The sun is rising. Why's that important? We'll get to that later. But now, I'm enjoying a great victory, while Twilight is struggling in my grasp, and her friends don't dare to move, lest I tear their friend's neck open.

"You fiend! Release her!" Rarity demands, and everyone agrees.

"Why, pray tell? So you can lock me up or turn me to stone? I think not." I say grimly. I've had it up to the tip of the horns of my helmet with these five, plus the yellow one that wasn't showing up, and I was going to take this chance to get as far away from these freaks as possible.

"Now, You four had best stand aside, before I pave the road with your friend's blood." I say, and they do exactly as I say.

"Alright, go, just don't hurt her!" Pinkie Pie says, causing me to laugh.

"As you wish." I say, throwing the purple nuisance at them and running while they were disoriented. I ran, ran as fast as I could, and I went into the forest without a second thought, toward the cave where Mizzietta lives. But remember when I said the sun rising was important? Well, I was running, and I turn my head for some reason, but the sun gets in my eyes, blinding me, and I flail blindly into a tree. As if that wasn't bad enough, I ricochet off of the tree, and back into something tall and soft, still cursing and yelling while rubbing my eyes. As soon as my vision clears substantially, I look to what I bumped into... And immediately wished I'd kept walking.

"Hello, Malideus. We meet at last." Said this tall, white mare in a flowing rainbow dress, and she sounded like she really didn't want to see me, even though she was the one following me.

"Eh, do I know you?" I said, still a bit disoriented.

"You should. I am princess Celestia, after all. Now, care to tell me why you've been terrorizing my citizens and injuring a former student of mine?" Celestia said, glaring. I kind of did a nervous laugh in response.

"Not really. See, it's a long story, and I've got someone to see." I said nervously, turning to bolt again. However, Something snagged my robe, stopping me in my tracks. I turn around, and see Celestia has grabbed the back of my robes, and was holding her face.

"Listen to me, Malideus. I don't know where you get off acting like... This, but it ends here. You are coming with me, and facing trial. Now, remove your helmet and come with me, before I just turn you to stone." Celestia demanded, shooting me a death glare. My mind was racing faster than it could process. I was terrified, but my fear was too great to show, so I just stood there, frozen. Then, autopilot kicks in, and does what it always does: Makes things worse.

"As much as I'd love to go with you to face my doom, Celestia, I'm afraid I cannot. Many apologies." I say, and Celestia's glare turns into a more bemused, tired look.

"And why ever not?" She asked. Then, autopilot went straight to worsening my already-bad situation:

"Because you'll need to see a dentist soon about your chipped tooth." I say, and before Celestia could ask why, I break my staff across her face, sending her recoiling away from me, and I bolt away, in the direction of the ruins. If anywhere could hide me, it was there. As soon as I reached the ruins, I hid in a partially intact building, wondering what kind of hell Malideus just got me into.

Ch.3: Malideus fights the system, man!

Alright, so here I am in this busted-up fortress, with at least two virtual goddesses out for my blood. Things can't seem to get worse, right? Well, I sure felt pretty safe in here. Why? I don't know. What I do know is that Celestia is still up there, trying to wait me out. I can hear her calling and taunting, but what good does that do? Any smart person would run away from all that noise, but she must think I'm either dumb or egotistical. Well, she's wrong on both counts. So there I wait, for what likely seems like hours. A while in, though, she stops making noise. I stop and listen, though there isn't much to hear, and peek at the entrance. It's the middle of the day, but nothing's moving. So, I poke my head out. Still, there was nothing. So, I take my first, hesitant steps outside. I step outside, and, by some grace of god, nothing shoots, tackles, or hunts me.

"Alright, I think she gave up." I say, wondering why someone as tenacious-looking as Celestia would give up the hunt so easily. Then suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, a white beam misses my leg by inches. I hear loud cursing behind me, but I don't turn to see who it is; I already know. Instead, I skip straight to running, and I almost make it to the entrance to wherever I was hiding, but a bolt of magic hits my polished gauntlet, reflecting off of it, but knocking me on my ass. Worse yet, The bolt lands smack-dab into none other than Celestia herself, turning her white ass to stone before I can say "Oh, shit!". So yes, Here I am, knocked down, but feeling fine, except I just insulted, assaulted, and petrified this omnipotent leader of pony world or whatever.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap..." I pant as I run to the lawn ornament that once was a princess. "Oh, CRAP." I say finally, unable to believe my position. If anyone found this, they were going to probably blame me.

"It could be alright..." I try to reason, but all was hopeless. An important character has been stoned, and I had to get out of that place, lest her sister or something come and vaporize me, or worse. But I did not run, like I should have, but instead, I walked up to the statue, tapping it on the shoulder a few times.

"Oh, hell, she really IS stone! Oh, this isn't good, this isn't good... How the fuck am I going to pull this off..." Then, a brilliant idea pops into my head: I return her! The plan was simple: I drag her back to wherever she came from, I say someone else did it, and then they stop hunting me down like game! My plan was absolutely genius!... Except that it wasn't because I'm a moron.

"Gah, I just wanted to enjoy a party, not get sucked into this!" I then take off my helmet, looking at it.

"This is all your fault!" I yell, throwing the helmet into the ground. Looking around, I was completely alone, save for Celestia, who wasn't very good company at the moment. Then, I thought of something: I was one step closer to gaining magic of my own. Maybe if I depetrified Celestia, she wouldn't obliterate me. However, She had to see Malideus do it, or it would fail. Let me tell you, I think my hole is deep enough, and I don't want this on the bottom. Seeing no point in telling Celestia to wait there, I pick up my helmet and then make the return to Mizzietta's lair. I reach it by sundown, and prepare to make the exchange.

"Yo, Mizzy, you home? I brought your necklace!" I shout. However, No one seems to be home. Suddenly, I get this really icky feeling up my spine, like I know something bad has happened or is going to happen. I notice that there are scorch marks and scratches along the walls and floor, and it looks bad. Then, I see something else: The Alicorn Amulet, lying on the ground. I knew then and there that something happened to Mizzietta, and her uncle Bolas wasn't gonna be able to bail her out of this one. On one hand, I now had the key to ultimate power, and whatever happened to her was not my concern. On the other hand, however, I kept getting this sinking feeling that I might at at least owe her her own necklace first.

"Ugh, this guilty conscious thing is going to be the death of me..." I say, picking up the amulet and walking back to where I left the princess of the sun, which probably took me an hour thanks to the fucking darkness. Seriously, I hate the woods at night. As I approach the area, I look around until I see the alabaster statue of Celestia. Then, I walk up to it, and look at the amulet. In all my experience with RPGs, I figure all I have to do is put it on, But how will I know if it works? Or, more importantly, is it going to be painful? Putting my helmet back on, I proceed to eye the amulet suspiciously. Did it even work on humans, or was I going to explode if I wore it? I was really tempted at that point to just hide in a cave and forget this crazy world, but my inner voice, ever the white knight, made me put it on. Besides, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? So I put the amulet on, and I flinch, thinking that I'm going to explode, or transform, or some other horrible thing, but nothing happens. I look around, then at myself, and I don't feel any different.

"Ah, dammit." I say simply. "Well, I guess it doesn't work, might as well take it... off?" I said, trying to remove the piece of jewelry, but it wouldn't budge. The thing just stuck to my neck like it was welded on.

"Come on, it's cursed? What the hell, god?" I asked. I was so furious at that point, I felt like my mind was going to explode, and I stomped the ground with so much force, I almost break my foot. Then, a colossal spire of rock thrusts up from the ground, sending drops of molten rock here and there, and big chunks of earth everywhere. I flew backwards in shock, then looked at my feet, then at my hands, and put on the widest grin I had in years. If this meant what I thought it meant, I was going to have so much fun in the next 24 hours. Seeing this as an opportunity to get some answers about the whereabouts of Mizzietta, I turned to Petrified Celestia, and prodded the rock, willing it to be flesh again. Well, part of it. As Celestia's head unpetrified, She gasped, then looked around bewilderedly, and finally set her glare on me.

"You! What have you done? Release me this instant!" She demanded, struggling. It was at that moment that my inner bad guy swelled, demanding release, but I had to be civil if I wanted any answers.

"I think not, princess." I hissed, pacing around the princess of the sun. "You see, I'd much like not to be obliterated, and I find myself needing answers." I finished, stopping right in front of her, trying to look as intimidating as possible.

"You'll get nothing from me, you coward. I won't betray anything to the likes of you." Celestia retorted unhelpfully, but I ignored her.

"Oh, but you will help, for I have a friend who's been taken, and I believe you know something about it." I said, chuckling evilly. Oh, this was so much fun! Who knew being evil could feel so good?

"If you're talking about the dragon, I'm not telling you her whereabouts. She will face trial for aiding you, and she will be executed." Celestia replied, making me quite unhappy.

"Well, then, if you will not be of any assistance, then maybe your student will." I said, preparing to encase her head in stone again.

"You will not harm one more hair on her mane! I will not allow it!" Celestia demanded, struggling harder against her stone prison. Call me twisted, but I laughed at the pathetic display.

"Really, now? Then stop me. Smite me right where I stand if you wish to save your precious student." I taunted. Celestia grimaced, turned a bright shade of red, then calmed down.

"You won't defeat her. Not this time. You may have incapacitated me, but you won't get that liberty again." Celestia said coldly, giving me a death glare that would likely have actually killed me if I was regular me. However, I maintained my composure, and simply continued my little game.

"Is that so? Well, allow me to relieve you of that delusion." I said, tapping her head. Celestia flinched, but then she seemed to realize that the stone was fading away, not building up. Soon, she fell over, completely free of her stone prison. Then she looked at me, completely and utterly confused.

"What..? What is this? What are you doing, wizard?" Celestia asked, glaring down at me.

"Perhaps I forgot to depetrify your brain. I have freed you, princess. Now, I can have the satisfaction of crushing you, again, and again, and again, until I tire of you." I said to her, and she seems to get real pissed at that.

"Not this time, Malideus." She said, casting a spell at me. I dodged it quite nimbly, surprising both Celestia and myself, then cast a spell of my own that froze her hands and horn in chunks of ice.

"Ready to tell me where Mizzietta is now, Princess?" I asked, ready to finish her.

"Why... Why are you doing this..? What have we ever done to you?" Celestia pleaded. I thought on this for a second, stunned by the question. True, I hated these ponies, but why? Then I thought of something else: Why not?

"A simple question deserves a simple answer, my dear: I do this because I hate you. All of you." I said truthfully. "Now, I must ask you once more: Where. Is. Mizzietta?" I asked, ready to end her if she defied me further.

"Canterlot... Dungeons. But you'll never reach her. The others will stop you. You will fail." Celestia said. I just chuckled at it as if it were a joke.

"We shall see, princess." I said, placing my hand around her neck and squeezing, but lightly so I didn't strangle her. "Now, sleep." I said, and an eerie blue glow came from my hand, and Celestia passed out within seconds.

"Now, let's go visit your sister." I said, dragging her along with me. Did I ever tell you how much I love this amulet? Anyway, so I now am dragging this sleeping goddess toward Ponyville right now, because I have no clue where Canterlot is. But hey, gotta start somewhere, right? So I drag this sap toward Ponyville, and the reactions I get when I arrive make me so happy, I blush. Everywhere, people are gathering, gasping and pointing at Celestia's unconscious body, and then turning their fearful gazes to me, and my amulet. Yeah, It's a really cool amulet, and everyone seems to know that. However, I suddenly get a bad, icky feeling up my spine again, that feeling like something bad is going to happen. And sure enough, here come five of the Mane 6: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. However, one was standing behind the others, shaking like a leaf. The girl wore a long yellow dress, had a pink mane, and looked ready to piss herself at any second. I'm guessing this one was Fluttershy.

"Well, I see they brought me the welcoming committee. What, no gift basket?" I taunted.

"Malideus, This is it for you!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, pointing at me.

"Yeah! We're gonna beat you all kinds o' red now, ya varmint!" Applejack threatened.

"Your road ends here, wizard! Surrender peacefully, or risk defeat at our hands!" Rarity said, making me gag just hearing it.

"Yeah! What they said!" Said Pinkie finally. However, Fluttershy just stood there, still shaking and whimpering as she eyed the unconscious body of Celestia. I, however, laughed harder than I ever had before, causing the five to back up.

"You idiots think you can stop me? I am Malideus, the Scourge Eternal! I have power, skill, and sufficient armor on my side! You girls have nothing!" I ranted. Yeah, it was a pretty cliche' speech, but it did its job: The five mares in front of me got pretty flustered over it.

"We don't have nothing! We got-" Rainbow Dash began, but I interrupted her.

"You have what? The "Magic of Friendship"?" I mocked, waving my hands like I was scared.

"You don't know what you're up against, friend. I suggest you just surrender before you get hurt." Applejack threatened.

"Ha ha ha ha... No." I said, waving my hand in a sweeping motion, causing a gale-force wind to knock the five away from me. As I tried to walk past them, the cyan one gets up and tries to punch me, but I catch her fist, then I freeze her in a solid chunk of ice. On that note, three others charge me (Fluttershy stayed down like a good little pony), and I react accordingly: Rarity tries to kick me, so I grab her leg. Applejack goes and tries to lasso me, so I swing Rarity into the lasso, grabbing it, and then I pull the redneck into my waiting fist using the rope. I think I've won by that point, but Pinkie Pie appears out of nowhere and latches to my back, punching my helmet with little visible effect, except that it's annoying the fuck out of me. So, I grab her hand, then loose an entire thunderstorm into her body, sending her to the ground in smoke. She coughs once, twitches, then gives up. Unfortunate that it didn't kill her. Then, I look to where Fluttershy was, and she's gone! I look around for her, but then someone puts their arms around by neck in an effort to choke me, and kicks my legs out from under me, pulling my arms behind my back and sitting on me so I don't get up. I look at my attacker and see the last thing I expected: Fluttershy. However, I still had one ace left.

"I'm going to teach you a thing or two about hurting my friends..." Fluttershy threatened.

"No, I don't think so. GOBLADA!" I shout, and a giant, black, stone blade erupts from the ground behind me, stabbing Fluttershy through the abdomen, intentionally missing all vital organs. I didn't want to kill her, after all... yet. As the blade retreats back into the ground, Fluttershy grasps the wound, gasping for air. She then falls off of my back, still trying to hold her guts in. I then get up, the absolute victor. I then walk over to Fluttershy, who was barely alive, and use a flame spell to cauterize her wound. Then, I pick her up by her neck, and begin the questioning:

"Where is Twilight?" I ask her.

"Not here... In... In the c... castle..." Fluttershy gasps, coughing up some blood.

"Which Direction is it?" I ask, and she points to the north, along the train tracks. I then drop the half-dead mare, and walk to the station, leaving the five to their fates.

As I approach the station Celestia in tow, everyone clears out and flees for their lives. I then boarded the train as it took off, hopefully toward Canterlot. So, now it gets funny. I'm sitting here, in this train, and everyone's looking at me like I'm a terrorist. Hell, I see ponies out the corner of my vision slowly going for emergency hammers so they can break the windows if I decide to start smiting. Which I guess I might, kind of, except I have no intention of blowing the train up. After all, I kinda need it to save someone. Hmph. Save. Not a particularly villainous word. But, there it is. Finally, after a good three hours, everyone piles off in a last-ditch effort to get as far away from me as possible. It works, but only because none of them are my target. I then hoist Celestia over my shoulder (Fuck, she weighs a lot!) and storm off, toward the castle, ready to face whoever stood in my way. Well, almost. I wasn't too keen on facing off with Luna, but I could handle anyone or anything else. Besides, I was only here for one person: Mizzietta. So, I walked on, Towards the great, big, towering castle in the middle of the city.

I must admit, I was vastly impressed with the size of the city. The architecture was classic, and everything looked really nice and tidy and peaches-and-cream happy. Too bad I have to level it all. Anyways, on with the story. I was walking along my merry way, when I see the main gate to the castle. As soon as I touch it however, the gate opens, revealing a whole metric fuck-ton of guards, all with swords and spears ready. I'm not scared of them or anything, but I'm kind of trying to save a "friend" of mine, so I have to hurry.

"Oh, crap, Why not just throw me on the pavement and throw a steamroller on me?!" I ask to no one in particular. Then, the guards zerg rush me, trying to crush me with their weight. However, I foresaw this from a mile away, and readied the perfect spell for this occasion:

"How hopeless. PYROCLASM!!!" I shout, thrusting my fist into the air. As soon as I did, a colossal pillar of magma, fire and ash at least 100 feet in diameter erupted from the ground, clouding the sky with ash and sulfur and vaporizing the rush of guards. As I walk by, I see one intact helmet.

"Silly guards. Zerg rush is not a legitimate tactic." I said before crushing the helmet. Then, I continue onward, toward my goal. Then, The following happens: I walk up to the door, I blast it down, and I walk inside. It's a pretty nice place, too white for my tastes, but very clean. Then, I proceed down some stairs, and after THREE FUCKING HOURS of fruitless exploration, I finally see my goal: A big, cast-iron door that looked particularly dungeony. I'm almost tempted to just leave on account of the work it took to find this door. Seriously, the halls seemed to go nowhere! However, I powered through, and stepped into the dungeon. It was perfect: Dank, dark, infested with rats, this was a good dungeon. However, I was not here to sightsee, I was here for the dragon. However, a guard sees me, and I think I have to kill him, too, but then he drops his weapons and throws me his keys before I can even say hi. So, the guard bails, and I search for Mizzy. Finally, I come across this big steel door, and decide that this has to be it. So, I open the door... And there she is, easy as that.

"Maly, you came back for me. How sweet." She said happily. I was okay with the happiness, but I was here for one thing.

"Here's your necklace." I say, tossing it to her.

"You remembered this? You're just full of surprises." Mizzietta noted, putting the necklace on. Suddenly, she shrunk down to about my height, and somehow obtained a very womanly figure in the process... Not that I was looking, of course. Anyway, she was out of her chains, and I was ready to leave. However, I then hear Mizzietta say something that caused me to facepalm:

"Hey, who's that over your shoulder?" She asks, and then I realize that I'm still carrying Celestia! I facepalm, hard, due to the fact that I forgot all about her, and I explain my plan: I was going to use Celestia as a hostage while we escaped.

"Very clever, but have you been carrying her all day?" Mizzy asks, and I engage my best poker face, which was double effective since it was hidden behind a helmet.

"No..." I say, and Mizzy just laughs. Seriously, how does this chick see through every one of my poker faces? Anywho, we then get out of the dungeon, and enter the main hall, but I notice a lot of guards are flowing in through the front door, so I tell Mizzy to go ahead.

"Are you sure? I can fight them, too." Mizzy asked, clearly concerned for me. However, I tended to stay away from emotional relationships, so her concern was unwarranted.

"No, I've killed a brajillion of these guys in five seconds. You just get out of here, I'll fight my way out. Mix things up a little." I said, putting Celestia down, so she won't hinder me, And removing my helmet because it was sweltering in that stupid castle, and I hate helmet hair.

"Oh, I see you found the Amulet yourself?" She asks.

"Yep. Now unless there are any goodbyes, I suggest you g-" Was all I could say, for then, Mizzietta catches me off guard, pulling me close and, well, I don't really want to talk about how I got french-kissed by a dragon. (her snout was short, but it was still weird!) Anyway, I'm dazed, Mizzy takes off, and guards are coming up the stairs to kill me.

"Alright, fuckers..." I said evilly, materializing balls of lighting and fire in my hands.

"... Let's get this ball started."

Author's Notes:

Dun dun
DUUUUUUN!!!!!

Ch.4: The Temporary Fall of Malideus

And so, here we are. My moment of truth. Today, I go from one-shot villain to... well... whatever comes after that. Moving on! It was all quiet. No one stirred, save my heart as I anticipated every move of every soldier in the army below me. As I stood upon the balcony, I made sure my helmet was straight and tidy. The crowd below me waited for me to move, to make a sound, to do anything, but they waited too long. I raised my arm into the air, and the soldiers didn't even have time to scream before I disintegrated every last one of them with a single Pyroclasm. I simply amaze myself sometimes with this Amulet. However, I sometimes get the feeling that it's making things way too easy. Even I have standards, you know. But still, I have to get by somehow. Meanwhile, while I'm roasting guards, I start thinkin': Maybe I need a challenge. Yeah, that's it! A nice, bloody fight to the finish, to really make my life, you know, bearable. Before I know it though, all the guards are gone, turned to dust in the wind... except there's no wind, so it's dust in my eyes and mouth. Anyway, so I use some magic to blow the soldier dust out the door and into the streets so I can breathe. But still, I can't help but wonder if I really want this... and then I slap myself mentally for being such an emo. I'm not sad, I'm just bored. However, just as I descend the stairs and get close to the main doors, they shut on me, which causes my blood pressure to spike dangerously. Then I turn around and see the last pony I ever hoped to ever see again: Twilight. She stood atop the balcony, glaring down at me, like she owned the country or something. However, I refuse to put up with the purple nuisance any longer.

"Twilight! You must be a bigger fool than I thought, coming in and raising my blood pressure!" I shout, but she remains oddly silent as she descends the steps herself, then gets into a combat stance.

"You're one to talk, Malideus. First you come to Equestria, then you assault me, and my friends, and then you try to kill one of our leaders. Why are you being such a jerk? What have we ever done to you?" Twilight asked, causing me to think back to when I incapacitated Celestia. She asked that same question, and my answer was still the same:

"You were born." I hissed, preparing to destroy the pest that now questioned my motives. I cast a massive ball of fire and electricity at her, but she dispelled it without even blinking.

"Wha-?! How'd you..?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"You think I don't know what you're using? The Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but it has its weaknesses." Twilight said, and my anger just kept growing. I didn't have a response, so I just skip to my secret weapon.

"I'll show you weakness!" I shouted, stomping the floor and causing massive spires to erupt from it. Twilight dodges them as they come, twisting and diving away from them. However, she got careless on the last one, and it almost tore off her right wing. She screamed in pain as the spire cut past her, then retreated into the ground with all the rest.

"Heal that wound, you pest!" I shouted. I feel great. I feel powerful. Now, I feel like finishing this, once and for all.

"Goblada!" I shouted, causing black, stone blades to thrust from the floor at her, but none of them struck her, because she kept fucking dodging. At that moment, I felt like every video game boss ever. All my attacks, she just kept avoiding them. Until, that is, she broke one of the stone blades off of the ground, and kicked it at me. I couldn't put up a shield fast enough, so I dodged.

"'Goblada'? What the heck does that even mean?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, it just sounds cool. Wait, why am I even talking to you?" I demand, pulling one of the blades and using it like a full-blown sword. Then, I charged Twilight, and she jumped, attempting to go over me. However, I anticipated this, and swung my sword overhead, catching her in the middle. The blade, however, was too blunt to cut her in half, unfortunately, but it put her on the ground long enough for me to grab her neck, and bring her to my face.

"So, princess, is that it? No fancy spells, or disappearing acts?" I asked smugly. Twilight said nothing, just hung there, limp.

"Well? Answer me!" I yelled, punching her in the face. Twilight spit out a tooth, but still said nothing.

"No words? Fine by me. I'm going to gut you slowly, and make you beg for death! You have opposed me for the last time you-" My speech was cut short by the sound of metal falling to the ground. I looked down in horror, and I saw something that almost made me pass out from fear. On the ground, in pieces, lay the Alicorn Amulet.

"H-how..." I sputtered, dropping Twilight on her back. Suddenly, I no longer felt like Malideus. I was just Chris now. Boring, powerless, royally-fucked Chris. I picked up the gem that once sat in the amulet, and stared at Twilight, who was still on her back, and smiling, which would have been funny since she was missing a tooth. However, I wasn't laughing. I was terrified. As I held the gem in my hand, I started to panic. And the first thing I do when I panic, is I start asking stupid rhetorical questions.

"What... What did you do..?" I stuttered, feeling the weight of my loss of my only hope of surviving in this world crush me.

"I broke it." Twilight replied weakly. "I made sure nopony would ever suffer your cruelty again. Now, you are powerless." She explained, tightening my sense of dread. I decided that my best course of action was to run, but as soon as I turned around, I saw Celestia herself hovering over me, looking quite pleased with herself. Why? I didn't want to find out. With my magic gone, I could only stand hopelessly as the two princesses closed in on me like a pair of jaws. Then, phase two of my epic panic kicked in: I started running. I ran from between the two as fast as my legs would carry me.

"Feet, don't fail me now!" I wheezed as I sped down a random hall. I hated running. When I was Malideus, I didn't need to run; they would run from me. But now? Now the roles were reversed: I was the little fish again. Suddenly, loud footsteps interrupt my thoughts, and I found myself running from two vengeful princesses. I couldn't run from them in their own castle, and I couldn't hide on account of my armor, and I was still too proud to go naked. However, I still was a great talker. So, I stopped, and turned around, still clutching the stone blade I pulled from the ground. Soon enough, Twilight and Celestia appear, and they don't even look winded.

"It's over, Malideus. Give up, or I'll find something worse than turning you into a statue." Celestia demanded. I, however did not budge. Instead, I drew the giant stone blade, and pointed it at her.

"Take one more step, whore, and I will rend you to pieces!" I threatened. However, the princesses just laughed.

"You're powerless now, remember?" Twilight laughed.

"Oh? Then cast a spell on me, any spell. I will make you regret every second of it." I threatened. Twilight chuckled, but Celestia held her back.

"Be careful. He's got some kind of trick to reflect magic. We may have to use caution." Celestia said, and I laughed evilly as I could.

"What's the matter, princess, scared of little old me? After all, I am powerless, you said so yourself!" I taunted, causing Twilight to get defensive. However, she did not retaliate, she just slowly approached me like one would a wounded animal.

"Malideus, we don't want to hurt you, we just want to t- gak!" Before Twilight could finish, I grabbed her, fast as lightning, and pulled the same thing as last time: Claws to her throat, between me and my assailant, and I held my sword out at Celestia for dramatic effect. And who says you can't learn anything from action films? Anyway, my plan worked, because Celestia was freaking out.

"Unhand her this instant!" Celestia demanded.

"No! I will not! I will slay her right here, unless you do something for me." I said menacingly. Celestia grimaced, glaring daggers at me, but ultimately yielded. Treachery for the win!

"W-What do you want..?" she stammered.

"I want out. Stand aside, or Celestia 2.0 gets it." I said simply. In reality, I didn't want to kill her, because that would just create more problems than I needed. However, I soon feel really hot, and I smell something burning. I look at my robes and captive, and the bitch is on fire, literally! Panicking, I shove Twilight, who has now extinguished, back into Celestia, causing them both to fall over. Meanwhile, I'm trying to put out my robes by running around like a headless chicken, and I start grabbing drapes and knocking over pedestals, and Celestia starts laughing at me like a bitch.

"I told you you wouldn't beat Twilight so easil-wagh!" she cries as I blindly flail into her, and trip onto her. Now, this part gets REALLY embarrassing, so skip past it if you have any problems with what will come next.

So, moving on, I trip over her, fall, still on fire, and I have to put my hands out to save me, despite my armor. Damn my cat-like reflexes... Anyway, so, I fall on top of her, arms outstretched, and I land on top of the bitch... and guess where my hands land? Right on her boobs. So I'm laying there, wondering why I feel so awkward, when I look and see that both princesses are now staring at me, and blushing, especially Celestia, who looks beet-red. I then look down, and I get flustered, and then we all just sit there like fucking stoners, staring at each other, while I'm burning. Then, what ruins this oh-so-intimate moment, you ask? Well, thanks to me sitting there like a retard, Celestia has caught fire now, too, and now we're both up and running around like we've lost our bloody minds. Meanwhile, Twilight's panicking, trying to put Celestia out, but she ignores me, that bitch!

Anyway, I decide to run out down the hall to get some accidental revenge by rushing past, and inevitably setting on fire, the various furniture, tapestries and curtains, then I run into a random room, which was, thankfully, a bathroom with a bathtub. Ignoring my inhibitions about it being a girl's bathroom, seeing as I had more immediate matters to attend to, I turn the water on, hastily remove my robe, leaving me in my underwear (What? those robes were sweltering, even when they weren't on fire!), then, I douse them, causing steam to go everywhere. However, my helmet, gauntlets and boots are still on, so I look pretty, well, I guess ridiculous is an understatement. Moving on, I am standing in there, in my underpants, and wearing the extremities of my armor. Then, Celestia, bursts in, and I attempt to cover myself with my now-sopping robes.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! Didn't your parents teach you to fuckin' knock!?!?" I scream, and she turns the reddest I've seen her yet, and puts her arm to her eyes, trying to get out of there. Then, Twilight comes in.

"Celestia! Did you catch hi- What the..?!?!" Twilight cries, reeling back in shock, and I, in my most brilliant display of diplomacy to date, slap the shit out of her, sending her into the wall, and I slam the door, locking it. Then, all is silent for a few minutes, and I hear them walking away, murmuring about forgetting something. Then, I put on my robe and try to get out, but then someone tries the door I locked.

"Hello? Is anyone in there?" asks a female voice on the other side. Quickly, I start to think fast. I had some leftover pocket sand (why I never used it is beyond me), so I start thinking I can blind this dumb Dora and make my escape, though my skill set is clearly in the parameters of throwing pocket sand, and the dousing of my robes has left me with unusable pocket mud. Nonetheless, I have to try something, so I unlock the door, and quickly get into the tub, pulling the curtains in front of me as to obscure myself. Then I hear the door open, and someone walks in. I peek past the curtains, and it's the one pony I never, ever, not for the rest of my life wanted to see: Princess Luna, and she's looking straight at the bathtub. First, though, she looks around, as if she expected someone to be in here, and after a fruitless search, she shrugs, closes the door, and, while I'm looking, removes her royal garb, leaving herself stark naked, and my nose, quite literally, starts to bleed profusely, and I have to hide my face behind the curtain again. But then, I start to have one of my famous panic attacks. It's obvious that when someone gets butt-naked in the bathroom, they're going to do one of two things: take a shower, or whack off, and Luna didn't have a porn magazine on her, so that kinda narrowed it down. So, I begin my panic session: I hyperventilate, I shake, but I seem to be stuck on that part, because my body refuses to do anything else. Then, just as she touches the curtain, I burst out, screaming, tearing the curtain down, and flailing around the bathroom like I just snorted bath salts, just so I can find the door, which I can't because there's a curtain all over me. Luna, however, screams at the top of her lungs, trying to cover herself, and tries to kill me with the downed curtain rack. Then, I start swinging my fists in a blind panic, trip, and accidentally push her into the tub, while I find the door, ditch the curtain, and flee for my pitiful life. I make it as far as the main entrance, but it's locked.

"Oh, fuck me..." I mutter, not expecting (or wanting) anyone to hear.

"We'll see." Says this female voice behind me. I look, and it's Celestia. Fuck, she gets around fast!

"Stay away from me, you glorified nag!" I stutter, trying and failing to sound intimidating. Clearly, autopilot took off long ago, and left me to die at the hands of these god-damned ponies.

"I think not. You have been enough of a nuisance, and now I'm going to make you suffer for everything you've done, Malideus." she says. Then, I decide I've had enough. I've always been a great talker, but there was one thing I was so vastly incredible at, that I had to save the skill as a last resort lest it hurt my pride from its sheer effectiveness. That last, incredible skill... was bargaining. So, I stood tall, inhaled, preparing myself for my ultimate ace in the hole. Then, I dropped to my knees, and started bawling my eyes out.

"Okay, you win, you win! Just let me go, I'll do anything! I'll clean the dungeons, I'll give massages, I'll spit-polish the castle every day, just don't kill me!" I'll admit, it took a lot out of my personal pride to do this, but I (almost) got caught peeping, got caught in my underwear by two girls, pony or not, and got set on fire all in the same day. I think my pride grew wings and flew out the window a long time ago, so I might as well utilize every strategy available to me to survive, seeing as I'm no longer OP as fuck. At least Celestia seems to consider it, but quickly strikes my pleas down.

"You threatened my citizens, assaulted Princess Twilight Sparkle four different times, assaulted ME, then tried to kill off my guard, and now you expect me to forgive you? How stupid do you think I am?" she asks.

"It wasn't my fault! It was the amulet! It made me... wait, did you just say "tried to kill off your guards"?" I ask, and Celestia just smiles at me.

"Of course, did you really think I'd put my soldiers to death over the one wizard that even I could not beat? I knew you would destroy them, so I simply had them teleported at the first sign of disaster, like when you cast that spell, what was it now, 'Pyroclasm'? To quote you when you first met my former pupil: 'Such naivete. You will make an excellent slave'." She responded, and I gulped, loud.

"C-can I just have the death sentence?" I ask, fed up with living in such an unfair world.

"Nope. As you also said, 'I'll do anything', which means you are going to pay for the damage you have caused, starting with turning me to stone." Celestia said smugly, picking me up by my collar. Again, I hate being manhandled, so I instinctively struggled, but I almost knocked my helmet off in doing so, so I stop and attempt to readjust it. This action seems to catch her attention, and she lets me know.

"You seem quite attached to that helmet of yours, Malideus. Care to explain why?" Celestia asks, giving me the same unnerving look Mizzietta did when she found out that I wasn't really a wizard.

"I don't see why I have to..." I reply, holding my helmet to my head.

"Because you agreed to do anything I asked in exchange for your life. And now, I want to know what you are." she asks, catching me off guard.

"What do you mean?! I'm... not that interesting... I suppose... Just put me down!" I snap, resisting the urge to claw her face off.

"Oh, I beg to differ. You claim to be an all-powerful wizard from another dimension, yet you cower before me as soon as you lose your greatest weapon. I'm beginning to think that you're not what you led me to believe. In fact, I'm beginning to doubt that your name is even Malideus." Celestia explains, and I feel absolutely defeated. No, I am absolutely defeated. I have no choice but to hang my head, and wonder when she'll tire of me. Then, my inner voice kicks in:

"Told you so." it says, but I ignore it, and remain silent.

"Your silence says it all. You are no wizard, you're probably not even a pony. Now, I think a public defacing is in order for your crimes, but first, I must know: Why go to all this trouble in the first place?" Celestia asks, and I respond:

"You may humiliate me, Celestia, and you can cast stones and words while I live, but I'll die sometime. Then all you and your pathetic, disgusting kin will be able to do is glare at my grave and think angry thoughts about how I, Malideus, came mere inches away from bringing your whole civilization to its knees. Then, I'll be the one laughing, even if I do end up burning in Hell. I may deserve it, but you do too." I say, resisting the urge to take off my helmet and spit on her. Then, she glares, and gives me a really creepy smile.

"We will see about that. But now, it is time to see what you really look like beneath that helmet." She says, and she tries to remove my helmet, but I grasp it firmly, keeping it on.

"Let go! I have to see your face!" Celestia demands.

"No!" I declare, keeping my hands on the helmet like it was the most important thing in the world. We struggle for a little bit, and she ends up putting me down, just so she can pry the helmet off with both her hands. However, I maintain my grip, and she finally slips, sending me crashing into the main door. Somehow, the lock came undone when I crashed into it, and it opened, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape.

"Don't you dare, I mean it. Don't you dare step foot out that door." Celestia demands, but I was never one to obey authority.

"Sorry, babe, but slavery just isn't my thing. Maybe next time, though." I say, and I bolt out the door, as Celestia is trying to get a lock on me for some crazy, nasty-looking spell. Nonetheless, I shove through the crowd, but I soon don't have to, because they part as soon as they see who I am. Soon enough, I make it to the train, which is about to depart. Unfortunately, Celestia is right behind me. So I leap onto the caboose of the train, but an explosion, likely thanks to Celestia, knocks me back, almost off of the train. But I get up, and I use my action movie expertise to get her to the one place I know I'll win: The top of the train. I climb up the ladder, but as soon as reach the top, the train takes off, causing me to stumble, and Celestia takes the opportunity to try and petrify me or something, but I'm in my element: I can take this bitch! So without a word, I step away from the edge, and run up the train, to the front. Celestia, however, stops right in front of me, and I stop. But then I jump down, onto a balcony on one car, and go inside the train. Sure enough, Celestia chases me, making this victory all the sweeter. I go out of the train, onto the joint connecting the two cars I'm between, and I crawl to the front of it, so I don't get stuck with Celestia. Speak of the devil, there the white bitch is, and she looks pissed. However, her look of rage soon turns into one of horror as she realizes my plan. Making a desperate bid, she tries to leap for me, but it's too late: I pull the bolt, and she falls short, missing me by centimeters. No matter, she still missed, and I still laughed. That is, until I notice the car's not getting farther away. Instead, I look down, and she's holding the cars together!!! But she's too focused on that, so I let my inner villain have his last hurrah: I walk up to her, nice and calm and definitely with a swagger, and I stand over her, and she's forced to look up at me. Oh, this was going to be fun!

"Malideus... This is your last chance... Give up... Or I will hunt you down like game until you die or are captured!" Celestia demanded, and I puffed up, feeling quite powerful, despite having no magic. In fact, maybe I didn't need any magic. All I had to do was hide, and I would forever be the one to have outsmarted two princesses in his whole stay. Oh yes, that was a legend I could live with!

"Sorry, Princess, but I'm afraid you've reached your stop. Next stop: Me winning!" I said, holding my hand to the side, like I'm preparing to backhand someone. Then, I extend my pinkie, so the next part become even more delicious: I then extend my arm, and pimp-slap Celestia so hard, the world goes in slow motion for a few seconds, just long enough for me to see the look on Celestia's face and enjoy every millisecond of it. Then, time returns to normal, and she lets go, falling off of the train and onto the rails, uncouncious. I then speed away from her, off toward, well, anywhere that wasn't around here. As soon as she and the previous cars vanish from my sight, I walk into the car, and everyone stops and gasps. I then sit in an empty seat, and kick my feet up. I didn't know where I was going, but it had to be better than Canterlot. And it was just my luck that this train would ever-so-coincidentally be headed for my "favorite" destination: Ponyville.