“Get the fuck off of me you moron!” Stevens fumed as he fought to remove the limp guard that was sprawled upon him. The Pegasus had somehow gotten his golden chest armour locked with Stevens’s suit so the corporal was trying to separate himself from the guard. The pony would periodically let out a weak whine, the guard wheezing as blood spurted from a ragged hole gouged in the stallion’s chest in time with his breathing. Stevens stopped moving, slow clapping emanating from behind of a bush to the corporal’s right.

‘Oh no,’ Stevens thought as the Commander stepped into the light, ‘not him, not now. Why can’t Smith have been the one sniping?’

“Well, well, well. Once again Stevens you’ve managed to end up underneath a pony covered in bodily fluids. It’s a relief to me that the five years of training you went through as well as your seven years of active combat experience have moulded you into a shining example of the majesty of the UIP.” Chalmers walked up to the dead griffon he shot before, crouching down to examine the corpse as the sounds of victory cheers sounded in the distance. Obviously the battle had swung in the Equestrians’ favour thanks to the death of the enemy leader.

“In my defence,” Stevens began as his Commander re-focused his attention towards him, “I only got under this pony after that fucking huge Minotaur pounded him hard enough to…”

Stevens decided to stop; he was only making the situation worse. He couldn’t see Chalmers’s face due to the Commander’s helmet but he could tell that the smug bastard was probably wearing the biggest grin at Steven’s expense.

“So I see the enemy appear to have been defeated.” Both Stevens and Chalmers looked towards the new voice, Smith walking towards them. The soldier nodded at his Commander, receiving one in reply before he looked down towards his fellow corporal trapped underneath the guard. “It also looks like that once again Stevens is under a pony covered in-“

“Already beat you to it,” Chalmers interrupted, Smith shrugging in reply.

“Not really that much of a surprise Sir, it is Stevens after all.” Stevens raised his head off the ground at this.

“Okay, hold the bloody phone!” Stevens shouted. “This whole ‘Stevens is a pony sex addict’ is really getting old, it’s stale and no longer funny. I bang one pony twice-“

“Twice?” Smith asked the Commander as Chalmers looked at him.

“I found Wind Slash in his bed this morning again, I swear there’s a rule that if you wake up with the same wom- female in your bed two mornings in a row then it counts as a relationship.”

“Hell no! There is no way that I will ever date that mess of a mare!”

“Well you slept with her twice so she obviously has something going for her,” Chalmers responded as he poked the dead griffon’s exposed neck with a finger, “maybe you two should go set up a double-date thing with Reflection and Jacobs at a nice restaurant.” Nigel looked out at the city, some fires still burning strong. “You know, after all of the fires have been put out. Still a nice lunch or something will surely show the two of the best in each other.”

Stevens’s rage grew to be so great that he found the strength inside of him to rise up from the ground to confront his tormentors.

Unfortunately he still had a whimpering Pegasus guard attached to him, the pony dangling from the strap that had gotten stuck on Steven’s chest. Stevens didn’t care about this, the corporal completely ignoring Smith and heading straight towards Commander Chalmers. Nigel hid an amused smirk under his helmet as Stevens poked him in the chest, the attempted intimidation ruined by the fact that the commander was half-a-metre taller than Stevens and that every time the corporal moved forward the arse of the dangling guard smacked against Nigel’s stomach. It was so funny Nigel decided that he wasn’t even going to punish the Corporal for insubordination.

“That’s it; I can take it from the guys but not from you, Commander!” Nigel decided to not mention that the Corporal also took it from a four-foot pony, twice. The Equestrian attached to Stevens coughed out some blood.

“Please… please help me” the stallion wheezed weakly.

“In a Fucking minute, have some patience for Fuck’s sake!” Steven yelled, the corporal clamping a hand over the pony’s mouth to quiet the guard. “You constantly call me out for every single thing I mess up while ignoring your own glaring mistakes! I mean you have the authority to order the death of solar systems and what do you do? You orchestrate a guerrilla war against a civilisation of ponies that seem to be stuck in the eleventh century! What excuse do you have for that?”

Stevens finished his tirade, all sound ceasing except for the pained breathing coming from the pony dangling from Corporal Stevens. Smith found himself shifting his grip on his rifle; Stevens had crossed the line long ago. Commander Chalmers had a reputation for his temper, his violent temper that often resulted in extreme bloodshed. The two warring soldiers squared off with Stevens shaking with rage with the Commander standing barely a metre opposite him, Chalmers standing stock still.

“You want an explanation as to why we continue to operate on this planet instead of calling the navy and leaving?” The Commander asked with a steady voice, Stevens nodding his helmeted head in reply. “I’ll tell you why, it is incredible, amazing fun. You can’t disagree with me on that, you yourself have killed, screwed, drank, partied, stolen a sack of apples and currently have a pony attached to your chest.”

Stevens looked down into the pleading eyes of the Pegasus pony as he thought about the Commander’s response. He had to admit that the trip had been rather fun and the chance to attack multi-coloured equines was a rare one. Granted they were now seemingly working with the ponies but apparently Chalmers had a plan regarding that. He looked back towards Chalmers, his anger fading away as he focused on repairing the situation.

“I’ll make a deal, Commander” Stevens offered, Chalmers gesturing for him to continue. “If you agree to start treating me with some respect I’ll be willing to… co-operate with you without constantly complaining.” Chalmers stroked his helmet thoughtfully as he considered the agreement.

“Tell you what Stevens, I’ll stop the constant insults if you ask that mare you’re seeing on a date and you have to apologize for not laughing at that joke I made when we first met the changelings.” Stevens sighed; while he wished the Commander would for once take something seriously he guessed the terms weren’t too outlandish. After all, the Commander did have enough of an excuse to just execute him after the earlier insubordination.

“Fine, I’ll go on a date with Wind Slash, though why it’s so important to you I will never figure out.”

“Annnnnnnd…?” Commander Chalmers prompted, eliciting a sigh from Stevens.

“I’m sorry for not laughing when you made that joke; I failed you, my father, the ISA and the greater UIP as a whole. May the Emperor forgive me for my grievous offence.” Chalmers shrugged at the dramatic response.

“Eh, I’ll take it,” The Commander held out a fist towards Stevens. “Let’s just agree to get along at least until we leave this planet, why don’t we just forget all of this and go and try to find any stragglers to finish off to cement our new friendship.” Stevens stared at the offered fist, raising his own and meeting it with a smack of armour impacting armour. His Helmeted head focused back on Chalmers as Stevens nodded his head.

“Let’s go fuck those hipster wannabes; we’re the bad guys here!”

“Damn straight,” Nigel agreed, “damn mutants are stealing our thunder, time to show them just who they pissed off!”

“Hate to be the drunken uncle pissing on the birthday cake,” Smith spoke up as he pointed a finger at the wounded pony hanging from Stevens, the Corporal and Nigel looking towards the injured guard. “But shouldn’t we stop that pony from dying or at the very least cut him off Stevens?”

“I like it there though,” Stevens replied as he looked down, “I think it really lightens up my armour and says ‘Come at me bro, I wear your soldiers like tassels’ at the same time.” The pony let out a weak groan as his hind leg kicked, Chalmers letting out a sigh as he withdrew a combat knife from a sheath hidden in his armour. Chalmers advanced on the pony, the Stallion’s eyes widening as he turned to look at the knife wielding human.

“I really sorry buddy,” the Commander lamented as he lowered the knife to the pony’s throat as the guard began to tear up, “but I’m going to have to cut you down.” As he said this Chalmers cut through the strap binding the pony to Corporal Stevens, Smith catching the guard and laying it gently on the ground. The three humans stared down at the guard as it moaned feebly, the blood spurts having slowed to a dribble.

“You know Sir,” Smith said, breaking the silence, “for a second I thought you were just going to slit his throat and been done with it.”

“Oh, it was definitely on the table,” Chalmers replied as the guard attempted to crawl away. The pony stopped quickly, his wound immobilising him as the Commander crouched down to examine the bloodsoaked guard. He rolled the pony onto his back and tittered as he traced the edge of the ragged puncture with a finger, the pony whimpering as it attempted to speak, however due to the damage to its right lung it only managed a few words.

“T-ake me to a… a hosp-hospital, please.”

“No” Nigel stated bluntly, withdrawing a needle-gun from a suit compartment, “if you are going to die in battle then it shall be by my hand, not by some copycat wanker.” Nigel inserted the tip of the needle into the pony’s thigh, injecting the contents of the medical gun into the guard’s bloodstream. “You’re a lucky pony, pack your bags and grab your munchies because you are about to go on one hell of a trip.”

The pony’s breathing slowed down to a steady rasp, the Pegasus relaxing as the powerful painkiller he had been injected with went to work. The Commander observed the guard’s pupils, satisfied that the equine was well and truly out of it. He removed the golden helmet from its head, a shimmering glow surrounding its body as the pony’s coat changed from white to orange, the mane and tail gold with a white stripe. The only thing that was constant with the appearance of the guard was the blood covering his chest and the hole in his chest.

The three humans stared at the space-out guard, Nigel sticking his finger into the wound and twisting it around. The pony continued to stare happily up at the sky as he mumbled to himself, Nigel continuing to poke the wound.

“So,” Chalmers inquired, “which one of us is going to fix it?” He received no reply at first, both Corporals looking towards him
expectantly. Nigel withdrew his finger and pointed the bloodstained digit at them. “Why me? Why do I have to do it?”

“Well Commander, you do have the most medical training out of the three of us,” Smith stated, “I’m not too confident with pony anatomy and Stevens is only interested in the lower anatomy.” Stevens looked like he was going to fling out a retort but Smith continued on before he had the chance. “You already have all of the needed equipment with you and to be honest you would probably enjoy a chance to shoot a medical laser into a pony’s chest.”

Unknown to the soldiers a throng of locals had slowly begun to emerge from their dwellings, the ponies retching at the site of the dead bodies surrounding the area but the three strange creatures seemingly helping a wounded guard drew some of the braver Equestrians closer. The battle for the city had appeared to be over, the invaders repelled and the fires in the background dying out.

While the ponies that had ventured outside hated being in the midst of so many dead they were drawn to the three humans in the park, many of the equines watching from windows as the creatures fight alongside their guards. Seeing that the strange beings apparently were friendly to ponies and being herd animals in instinct the frightened citizens moved towards the strong protectors. The humans were too caught up in debating who should have to help the guard that the approaching crowd of skittish equines closed without notice.

“Fine then, at least I get to use the laser.” With these words the Commander flicked his wrist, the small barrel of the medical laser extending as the barrel glowed red. Alongside the laser emerged a second barrel, the tube containing a sealing agent.

The surrounding ponies observed with baited breath as the biggest creature moved its glowing appendage towards the guard’s wound, the Equestrians riveted to the gory sight unable to look away.

Nigel was concentrating solely on his task, moving the dispensing tool of medical cement towards the wound. With his helmet optics he was able to see a smaller puncture in the Pegasus’s lung, the point where air was escaping into the pony’s chest. Nigel sprayed the inner wound with the medical solvent, the quick acting agent sealing the injury. Chalmers withdrew the tube and fired up the laser, using the precise instrument to aid in the closing of the wound as it caused the medical solvent to act like liquid stiches.

Satisfied that the lung would hold, Nigel withdrew the tools and moved to the external trauma. He once again covered the hole with the closing solution before lasering the wound shut. The surrounding Equestrians all watching as the strange advanced procedure was completed with awe, their fear forgotten. Nigel shut off his laser, slightly disappointed that he would be unable to use it for longer. Lasers are cool, no matter if they’re used to heal colourful ponies.

“Well, that’s taken care of,” Nigel commented as he stood up, the guard still in a daze and he wouldn’t be lucid for at least another hour. Chalmers rubbed his hands as he turned around, freezing mid stride as he saw the gathered crowd of amazed Equestrians. Both Corporals turned as they noticed the Commander’s reaction, the two other humans sharing in Chalmers’s surprise.

“What. The. Holy. Fuck.” Stevens breathed as the crowd of ponies, at least fifty all gazed at the three humans in awe. The lead pony, a ash-grey mare pointed towards the Commander with a glimmer in her eyes.

“That one, the big one! He just saved that guard’s life!”

The crowd erupted into cheers, their fear having vanished due to the incredibly act of kindness they had witnessed. The humans stood stock still as the bubbling crowd circled the confused humans, the ponies all yelling out excited questions as a small group of mares surrounded the downed Pegasus guard attempting to comfort the oblivious stallion.

“This cannot get any worse,” Nigel sighed, the corporals nodding in agreement.

The flapping of wings shattered that assumption, a mass of golden-clad ponies hovering in the air as two tall mares, one the colour of pure white snow, the other the picture of a starry night touched down upon the ground. The crowd parted as the two rulers of Equestria approached the three humans, a slight bruise still visible on Celestia’s face. The two Princesses halted in front of the humans, Celestia glancing at the fallen guard before raising an eyebrow at Nigel. The Commander gave a shrug before answering the non-verbal question, his armour covered in the combined blood of griffon, Minotaur and pony.

“I swear, I didn’t set this city on fire. If I had nothing would be left.”