Dear Diary,

Hmm, where to begin...? It's always so awkward starting a new diary and this is an especially awkward situation to start from. Don't take it personally but I'm a little less than enthusiastic about starting anew right now...

I'm not really sure how to feel about what's happened, but I do know I need to get this out of my head before I lose it... I'm back home... The last place I ever wanted to be again...

Everything was going so perfectly in Ponyville. Well okay maybe not everything (in fact I actually had quite a few trials in my short time there now that I think about it), but I was happy; happier than I've been since maybe ever. I had my friends and my precious sister. My career was turning around. I had my special somepony...

The day everything changed started out so well. I was preparing for my first concert since... the last incident that day. I was especially excited about this show because I was debuting a new song I wrote after the birthday party, and Starsong was going to be in the audience. Big Mac and I spent most of that afternoon together in the park; I asked him to stay home that night so I could share the moment with Starsong so to make up for it we spent all day together. Right before I left for the club, the two of us snuck out to the pond on the edge of Sweet Apple Acres for a quickie (which naturally turned into a mini marathon session; we'd been a little pent-up lately...).

It was an especially nice walk over to the club, warm and full of my special somepony's seed...

Anyway, I met Starsong outside the club. Unbeknownst to me she had invited Applejack and (ugh...) Rarity along; thankfully Rarity declined, probably when she found out that Big Mac wouldn't be with us. While I had wanted to spend the night with just Starsong, having AJ in the audience was nice, though I get the impression that neither one of them was prepared for the atmosphere. After the first set, AJ, who had been out in the audience joined us backstage after bucking some poor stallion into the back wall; it was actually kind of hard not to laugh when it happened. After that, ponies around her gave her as wide a birth as they could...

After the concert, the three of us were on our way back to Sweet Apple Acres when we were stopped by three stallions; three more stepped out behind us. Everything after that is a blur. AJ charged into the ponies in front of us, yelling for me and Starsong to run. I took to the sky as soon as I could, though it pained me to leave my friend and sister behind. Then I heard it, Starsong, trying as well to buy me time to escape, cried out in pain as one of the stallions stood poised to attack her. I saw red in that moment; nopony hurts my sister and gets away with it! Without a second thought I turned and dove straight into the unicorn assailant, taking us both to the ground in a heap...

After that, it's kind of hazy. I guess the impact was rougher than I was prepared for... I remember trying to come to my sister's side again before somepony jumped onto my back. After that, it's a blank. I'm still not even sure how long it's been since the attack...

There are some fragmented memories between that and when I came to earlier today. None of them was pleasant though; I was tied up and getting bucked by somepony or ponies I didn't know, and though I didn't want it, I couldn't muster the strength to stop them or fight back at all... I don't know if it was just a nightmare though; when I woke up earlier I didn't feel hurt or sore at all and there was no evidence of anything having happened to me. For now, with everything else going on, I'm just going to assume that was just a disturbing nightmare...

You might wonder how such thoughts would even enter my subconscious mind, but trust me, if you knew my history you'd understand...

When I finally woke up again, I was staring at the painfully gaudy ornate ceiling that could only belong to one house that I've ever been in...I looked up and saw my room, just as I'd left it almost 10 years ago... Though I didn't want to accept it, there was no doubt that this was indeed the Star Family Estate.

My heart sank further when I heard the door open and close; I was sure that Polaris, by far my least favorite pony, was coming for me. Instead, the pony approached me, humming a song that as far as I knew only two ponies in Equestria had ever heard before. One was my sister Starsong, and the other was the pony that now sat at my side; my mother, Silver Veil.

I can't express how my emotions welled up in that moment; I haven't seen my mother since the night I ran away from the estate. Starsong's told me that mom was with her when she rescued me from the underground and moved me to Los Pegasus, but I can't remember anything from that night myself...

Once we finally finished our tearful reunion, mom explained to me that Polaris had brought me home; he's still obsessed with me fulfilling whatever my supposed destiny is from that stupid tome... Luna damn you old man! Why?! Why now? I was happy...

Anyway, during my outburst, I let it slip that I had a special somepony. Mom was of course excited, but at the same time she wanted to be certain he wasn't like the ponies she had to rescue me from years ago. While trying to explain my relationship with Big Mac to her, it finally dawned on me that I still wasn't entirely certain what he meant to me myself. Love is something that seems to come so easily to everypony else, but I've never known anything like the feelings I have for Big Mac (and, to a lesser extent, Applejack). But when I thought about it, about him, all of those doubts that have been plaguing me since I met him outside the bar that fateful night seemed to just melt away...

I know it now and can say it without any hint of doubt: I am in love with Big Macintosh. I just wish that I could tell him so myself...

Mom and I have got so much catching up to do. Among other things, I have to tell her about my time with Big Mac, about when I was happy. Hmm... maybe not all of it; there are a few details I'm sure she wants to know just a little as I want to tell her... Mom was gracious enough to bring you to me so that I could continue to vent my feelings to somepony. I'm sure my old diary is still sitting on the headboard of Big Mac's bed...

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic to see my mom again, and under any other circumstances this would be one of the happiest day of my life. But having my new life stolen from me, and being back in this accursed house... And worse yet, nopony knows I'm here and, according to official Equestrian records, I don't even exist! Big Mac and my friends know about my lineage, but I doubt even Princess Twilight has the means to come to the estate and secure my release, legally or otherwise... It's only my mother's presence that's keeping me from completely falling apart right now... I don't know what to do; I'm wracked with fears and doubt and I'm completely trapped...!

I guess all I can do now is try to hold on to hope...

I hope Starsong and Applejack are okay... I hope I can figure a way out of this nightmare...

I hope I can see my special somepony again, even if only once, and let him know just how much he truly means to me...

~ Starshadow