Dear Diary,

As you already know, I made up with Big Mac last night and we spent the night together. Things are far from perfect between us though, as today clearly illustrated...

So when we actually got to Big Mac's room last night, my nerve faltered again. All of the guilt and hesitation of the previous week flooded back into me while I stood there racking my brain trying to figure out some way I could make up my past failings to him. When I found myself being hefted onto his bed, I froze; I was certain that Big Mac meant to have his way with me. Of course I would have let him, after all he is my Master, even if he doesn't want to admit it... To my surprise and, well... relief, he merely cuddled in behind me before falling asleep himself.

It was... nice. Nicer than I probably deserved actually. I felt contented myself for the first time as I too drifted off to sleep a few minutes later.

I slept in late that morning, so naturally when I woke up Big Mac was long gone. I stumbled downstairs to find Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle apparently preparing breakfast for Sweetie Bell's older sister...

Rarity... Just thinking about her leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Everything about the way that mare looks and carries herself, and even her fucking name reminds me of Canterlot, of everything I hate about society ponies, particularly the Star family...

Sorry, where was I...? Oh right, breakfast. So the fillies had created a small mountain's worth of pancakes, which I was later informed were all experiments the two had concocted in some half-baked effort to earn their cutie marks or some such nonsense. While endearing, many of these cakes were frightening to look upon; there were some that looked like they had gravel in them...! Before I could escape though, Rarity beat me to it by excusing herself and leaving me to play guinea pig to the fillies' disturbing cake experiments... I suppose I should count myself lucky that I didn't end up violently ill.

Later that morning, once I finally escaped the two Crusaders, I headed out into the orchards intending to "help" Big Mac with his chores... by which I of course meant admire the big stallion's amazing stamina and strength (don't judge me, he's really hot when he's out there, working up a sweat...). But when I found him, to my shock (and profound annoyance), he was talking to that bitch Rarity. She had ditched me with the potentially poisonous "food" her little sister had prepared for her to run off and try to steal my Mas coltfrie stallion out from under my nose!

I snuck in closer to hear exactly what the conniving hag was up to, and found her, as expected, shamelessly flirting with him. Big Mac quickly turned her down, but the bitch wouldn't take the hint, even going so far as to try to seduce him with that ridiculously overly-curled tail of hers. Again, Big Mac turned her down and she finally decided she'd had enough for one day... But I know her type; I know she'll keep trying to break through the wall of stoicism that he carries himself with.

Every part of me burned to run out and tell the harlot off, but somehow I couldn't find the nerve... Even after Rarity left though, I couldn't find the strength to confront Big Mac about what had happened, so I snuck back to the farm. As I approached, I caught sight of another mare I'd never seen before talking to Applejack. The little pegasus smiled and flew off towards where I'd just left Big Mac. When I asked her about it, AJ told me that the mare's name was Flitter and that she was there to see Big Mac as well. She then told me not to worry myself over it, that he had always turned down offers from other mares... Somehow that doesn't actually make me feel any better...

As for this Flitter filly, she's a tiny little thing herself, about the same size as me, actually. Her pale blue fur and light gray mane, gives her and adorable, innocent look. She's actually quite cute, I'll admit, but... I don't know what it was, but there was just something about that little pegasus that I don't like...

I went back to the barn after that, holing myself up in the seclusion. I didn't want to face anypony, not even Dashie or Fluttershy or even Vinyl... I was struggling hard with the idea of losing my stallion to somepony else; somepony with less baggage. Though he said he accepted my history, it's pretty plain to see that he's still bothered by it...

Dinner came and went quietly. I went back into the kitchen and waited for Granny Smith and the others to head back to their own rooms before I made my move. I found Big Mac alone in the living room, seemingly troubled by his own thoughts; the sight of him made my decision much easier in that moment. I pounced on him before he really had a chance to figure out what I was up to, lying him down on his back so I could properly take on his glorious stallionhood. It was all working out perfectly; I was going to remind him that he didn't need anypony but me, his most faithful pet...

Then suddenly he pushed me off of him, the mood totally gone. I didn't know what I had done wrong and I panicked, begging for a second chance to please him. When he wouldn't let me, I... kind of broke down, leveling him with all the insecurity of the day's events had Big Mac was quick to reassure me that he loved me and me alone and all at once that twisting pain went away.

Once again I find myself in Big Mac's gentle, loving embrace. It's so peaceful and secure; I never want this feeling to fade... Now that I'm lying here thinking about it again, though, I hate to admit it but I'm still uncomfortable. Rarity and Flitter are both really attractive in their own ways, and I'm sure there are dozens of other mares with eyes for this amazing stallion, even if they aren't prepared for what being with him would mean physically. Even his own sister wants him... He says that he loves me more than anypony, but it's only a matter of time before he gets tired of dealing with my issues and... and I don't know what I would do if he left me now. I've never been this close to anypony before; if he or AJ left now...

No, I'm not going to think about that now. I'm in my stallion's gentle embrace again, and I won't let my own stupid concerns spoil the contentedness that brings me. Big Mac is mine now, and more importantly, he tells me so himself. I love hearing him say that. I should ask him about that more often...

~ Starshadow