“Whaaaaat?” I gawked at Spitfire, surprise plain on my face.

“You heard me,” she deadpanned, waving me toward the familiar little cottage. “Do your psychic thing again. Soarin, make sure to take notes.”

“Are you sure that this is a good idea?” the pegasus asked her, holding the notepad under one arm as Spitfire knocked. “I mean, that last mare got pretty messed up about it.”

“Just being certain,” Spitfire frowned. “Toothpick, stand up straight.”

I cringed, and not just because my still pounding head was killing me. Of all the places I expected them to drag me, I didn’t think that it would be Fluttershy’s cottage. Heck, I didn’t even know how either of them knew Fluttershy, or that she was a veterinarian. Although with as much as she’s shown with animals, I guess I really should have figured that out.

It wasn’t long before Fluttershy cracked open her front door just a tiny bit, peering out at us.

“Uh, hi. Fluttershy, you doing all right?” Spitfire asked the sliver of mare revealed through the crack, and Fluttershy’s eye widened considerably when she saw me. No surprises there. “Hey, I understand if you’re busy and all –”

“Oh, my goodness!” the butter colored pegasus slowly drew open her door, mouth hanging open in shock and a bit of a pleased look. “Spitfire, I haven’t seen you in ages! How is everypony? And… what kind of animal is that, exactly?”

Okay, so, Fluttershy was eager, apparently in a good mood, and already had some kind of history with the sexy one. I could totally live with the fact that she called me an animal, because, let me tell you, it was way more preferable to being clobbered over the head with a rolling pin.

“Good to see ya, Flutters,” Spitfire clapped her on the back cheerfully, and Fluttershy blushed lightly. Soarin looked back and forth between them, and unexpectedly, he seemed just about as surprised as I was about it. Then again, I was making a conscious effort not to actually look surprised. Psychic and all that. “Everypony’s great, thanks for asking.”

“Is… I mean, did something happen to your-your pet?” Fluttershy inspected me curiously, drawing right up close to me.

“I got a concussion!”

Fluttershy yelped in shock, lurching backwards. I resisted the urge to cringe, a pang of guilt hitting me. I mean, come on, it’s Fluttershy. I didn’t even have any special kind of liking for her in the first place, and I still felt like a royal jerk for scaring her. It must be the face. Really cute face, kind of like – nope, not getting into that, nope nope nope.

“Easy, it’s fine,” Spitfire helped the stunned yellow pegasus up, and Soarin motioned me inside after them. “Yeah, Toothpick isn’t my pet.”

“Oh my, oh my, oh my!” she was practically hyperventilating by this point, and I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted uncomfortably. Soarin was glaring at me like I’d punched her or something.

“SO,” the captain of the Wonderbolts coughed inconspicuously into her hoof as Fluttershy shook herself and tried to calm down while I took in the sights. She had a really homely place, and it really felt cozy. The cottage was warm, but not too much so – it almost reminded me of Bag End from The Hobbit, and I grinned at the thought of Fluttershy struggling to stick a little ring on her hoof. “Er, Fluttershy. I kind of figured you might know something about this thing… and judging from your shock, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’.”

“I’ve never seen an animal like it before,” Fluttershy shook her head furiously. “How did you teach it to talk?”

“Actually, about that,” I tightened my towel around my waist, desperately wishing that I had some pants to put on. I mean, seriously. I’m all for swingin’ free, but this was getting ridiculous. “My mom taught me to talk, not Spitfire. I’m also not Toothpick, it’s Phil, I’m from another world entirely, and also I’m psychic.”

“… Did he hit his head?” Fluttershy turned suddenly in concern to Spitfire, which for some reason made Soarin laugh. Like, way too much. So much that I had to resist the growing itch to punch him in the jaw.

“Still not funny, Soarin,” I grumbled.

“You’re right,” he snickered. “It’s hilarious.”

“Your mom is hilarious.”

“Do you think you can give Toothpick a physical for me?” Spitfire asked the staring pegasus. “I’d do it myself, but I figured that a professional opinion would be better.”

“Professional?” Fluttershy blinked bashfully. “O-oh, my. Um, well, I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint anypony. I – is he writing down everything I say?”

Spitfire facepalmed (facehoofed?) and shot Soarin a dirty look.

“Soarin!” she hissed. “What are you doing?”

“Taking notes,” he replied innocently. Or at least, he tried to, but his mouth was full of pencil.

“… Soarin, these aren’t notes. This is just a picture of a rabbit.”

“I know!” Soarin beamed proudly. “Pretty good, huh?”

Spitfire only stared at him for a moment, and then she let out that same long, slow, tortured, exasperated breath she kept using around me.

“Yes thank you Soarin it is a very nice bunny rabbit,” Spitfire said all in one breath without even looking at it. “I’m beginning to wonder why I didn’t just have Phil take notes.”

“Wait, I’m confused…” Fluttershy began, looking back and forth between us curiously. “Is it ‘Phil’ or ‘Toothpick’?”

“I AM THE GREAT PHIL-NIFI-”

“Yeah, that’s great,” Spitfire deadpanned. “Good luck, Fluttershy. Soarin, you. Me. Talk. Outside. Now.”

I saw Fluttershy mouthing ‘good luck?’ like it was something to be terrified of, and she gave a heavy sigh as Spitfire and Soarin left me alone with the twitchy pegasus.

“… All right, then,” Fluttershy ruffled her wings uneasily, looking around me again. “Um, ‘Phil’. If it’s okay that I call you that,” to which I nodded. “If you’ll come this way, please.”

She led me further into the cottage, through a doorless entryway into her expansive and brightly lit living room, sunlight peeking in through the window.

“Oh, um, just have a seat over there,” she nodded toward the couch. “Sorry I don’t really have much in the way of real veterinarians…”

“Hey, it’s fine by me,” I really was relieved. “I’m just glad you’re not sticking me full of needles. I hate needles.”

Fluttershy smiled at that, slowly shaking her head.

“Oh, I don’t think I would have it in me to poke anypony with needles,” she said conversationally. “It’s just that sometimes I wish Ponyville had an actual veterinarian. It gets to be a little much when everypony in town needs your help with their pets, you know?”

“Nah, I think you’re a great vet,” I grinned at her.

“Oh, um, thank you. Neck please.”

I stared at her, and she just kept holding out her hoof at me.

“Uhh… what?”

Brilliant. Behold my amazing grasp of the English language.

“I need to check your pulse,” Fluttershy motioned with the back of her hoof. “I don’t really know what your pulse should be, but I don’t think it would hurt to check.”

Well, Fluttershy definitely wasn’t a professional, I could agree with that.

She rubbed her hoof over my Adam’s Apple, focusing intently as she tried to count.

“Er,” I cleared my throat. “You might have an easier time with the jugular vein.”

“S-sorry,” she flinched. “Um, would you mind showing me where you have it? Here, right?”

I carefully took hold of her hoof, nudging it over my neck to the right spot. She had astoundingly soft fur, even though the base was a little coarse. It kind of tickled, but I didn’t mention that.

“Hmm…” Fluttershy withdrew eventually, and for some reason her face was a little red. I hate to admit it, but she looked… I want to say adorable, but that’s not the right word. With her leaning over me, her warm touch blocking all the rational thoughts in my head, all I could think was that she was a lot cuter than I would have expected. “That’s so weird.”

“What?” I asked, the paranoia kicking in. “What is it, what?”

“Oh, it’s just your blood pressure,” she shook her head. “It’s either really, really high or really, really low. Um, I can’t really tell.”

I wanted to facepalm at that, but only settled for a grunt/sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy recoiled again, making me feel even worse for making her feel bad. “It-it’s just, I don’t really know what you are, really – I don’t have anything for a frame of reference…”

“It’s cool,” I shrugged nonchalantly. “Do you have anything for this?” I lightly tapped a single finger against my head.

She just stared at me for around ten, fifteen seconds before it finally kicked in.

“Oh!” her eyes widened. “Oh Celestia, I’m so sorry! You said you had a concussion, didn’t you, Toothpick…? I mean, of course you did, I wasn’t even paying attention, I’m so so so sorry!”

She took off through the house, scrambling through drawers for something, and I’m pretty sure I saw tears in her eyes.

Congratulations, Phil. You made Fluttershy cry. You are now officially a monster.

“I-I-I can’t find anything…!” she panicked, grabbing her temples as her breathing started to pick up again.

“H-hey,” I cleared my throat for the umpteenth time. “Look, Fluttershy, it’s fine! I’m cool, see?”

I tapped my noggin a couple of times for emphasis, which oh my god I will never ever do that again as long as I live.

My face started twitching really hard, but I think I managed to force it to look like a really weird smile. Either that, or I looked epileptic.

“Um… Toothpick, are you sure you’re okay…?” Fluttershy asked nervously, approaching me once again with caution. Man, I just could not get over how cute she looked up close. I just wanted to pick her up and… actually, hugging her was one of the last things on my mind, and I was one hundred percent grateful that she couldn’t read my thoughts. Maybe it’s because I finally had a chance to let everything cool down for a few minutes, but something about her started getting me hot. Let me just say that when a quiet mare is softly touching you and the only thing you’re wearing is a towel, it’s a lot harder to force yourself to think about anything else.

“Oh, yeah, totally,” I fought with my raging face muscles. “It’s just that I’m having a seizure that’s all contained in my face, the psychic thing does that to me sometimes.”

Much to my pleasure, Fluttershy actually laughed a little at that. It was a quiet, tense little titter, but a laugh nonetheless. The look of relief on her face helped matters quite a bit, too. I was glad that she was finally managing to relax around me, if only because it beat the alternative. Fluttershy started off toward the other room when I was still pulling myself out of my thoughts.

And, being the genius that I am, I decided that now was a good time to press my luck. I leaned around looking for Fluttershy, but she didn’t seem to be too close.

“Say…” I spoke up, hopeful. “You know, I’ve heard that, uh, blowjobs are a great way to get rid of headaches…”

“I don’t care if it gets rid of your headache or not,” Soarin snorted, and my face burned when he and Spitfire marched back inside with a blushing Fluttershy in tow. “I am not letting you blow me.”