“Why are you screaming?” asked Backdraft.

“It felt right.” he said. Backdraft raised an eyebrow.

“Anyways,” continued Celestia, “Long ago, I had tripolar disorder. There were three parts of me...Celestia, what I am now, Molestia, a horridly sexual deviant, and Trollestia, who wanted nothing but to frustrate ponies to death. After I created the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon, I found I could remove the less desirable parts of myself. I did so. Now, Molestia and Trollestia roam Equestria. I’m honestly not sure which of them in your mother. I gave birth to you while I was Celestia. I have no idea who I was when you were conceived. Technically, I’m your mother. Technically, I’m not. I’m afraid I really can’t help you much more than that. Here, take a slightly helpful map that will aid you in your quest, since everypony stands still when you want to look for them.

“I would much rather use my GPS.” Backdraft said.

“You can much rather use it. I have tracking satellites on them. Let me upload the information to your system.” she said, magically inputting coordinates into Backdraft’s GPS. “This should get you started."

“Sweet! Wasn’t expecting that!” Backdraft said.

“Be careful...those two aren’t bound to treat you nicely just because you’re their son. Be careful, Trey.”

“What about me?!” Backdraft asked.

“Fuck off.” she said, winking.

“I really hope Molestia is our mom. We can set her loose on you.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I need somepony to keep me company.” she said.

“Celestia...do you ever have residual effects from your personalities? Have you fully gotten rid of them?

“I’m afraid not. Hopefully you’ll never have to meet one of them.” she said, wrapping an arm around Trey, winking.

“I’m sure we’ll be fine.” said Trey, shoving the arm off quickly. “We’d better get started.”

“Be safe, my little ponies!”

“I hate it when she says that...” Trey muttered under his breath as the two of them walked out the door.

“So, who are we going to track down first?” asked Backdraft.

“Obviously the main choice here is Molestia. We have two males and two females. We can overtake her if she gets any ideas. Besides, if she’s our mom, we know, and can run.”

“Why does everypony keep forgetting about me?” asked Tucker.

“What about Trollestia?” asked Backdraft. “Why not her?”

“Well, I think we should settle for the lesser of two evils here.”

“Riiiiiiight...” Backdraft said, before turning to Tucker. “Are you going with us? We need someone to fuck Molestia.”

“Is she hot?”

“Here’s where you earn your salt, Tucker. Can you live up to all those things you say about yourself?”

“...yes.”

“Have you even ever done it, Tucker?”

“...”

“Exactly.”

“But the two of us have relationships,” Backdraft pointed out, “So someone is going to have to fuck her for us. That’s where you come in.”

“What’s fuck...oh...” said Fluttershy, remembering what Pinkie and Backdraft did earlier.

“Yeah...you won’t have to worry about it for a long time, Flutterheart.” said Trey reassuringly.

“You did it again...” Backdraft muttered.

“I meant to.”

“Whatever.” Backdraft said, shrugging. “But first, we need to go back home to get some supplies. And we need a smartass to help plan out stuff. I’m guessing that means Twilight is coming with us, right?”

“...uh...why not just take everypony with us?” said Trey, sarcastically.

Backdraft rolled his eyes. “Six ponies isn’t that much, Trey. It’s not even a squad. Besides, every team needs somepony who’s a smartass, and I think she fits the description

“I think she’s just smart...not a smartass...” said Fluttershy. “But, you know...whatever you think is fine...”

“No, no, I agree with you Fluttershy.” Backdraft said. “I was making a joke.”

“She hot?” Tucker asked.

“In a nerdy kind of way.” Backdraft replied, shrugging.

“I’ve got dibs.” Tucker said. Backdraft and Trey exchanged glances.

“After you take care of Molestia.”

“Man, mares are like Voltron. The more you hook up with, the better it gets.”

“Actually, I’ve found that fillies are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and the rest are either too far away or handicapped. How’s your parking space, Backdraft? Yeah, that’s what I thought.” said Trey.

“Wow Trey, that was kind of a dick move.” Backdraft said. “Are you going to start wearing a wifebeater and styling your hair like Dj Pony D?”

“Reality shows can sucka my balls.”

“So can Fluttershy. Bow chicka wow wow!” Tucker said. Backdraft brohoofed him.

“Hm?” asked Fluttershy, who had clearly not been paying attention.

“Nothing.” said Trey. “You wouldn’t like it anyway.”

“You don’t know that.” Backdraft pointed out. “Have you guys even made love yet?”

“Oh...” said Fluttershy. “That’s what they’re talking about...”

“Seriously, just leave us alone about it.” he said forcefully. This wasn’t something that Fluttershy particularly cared for and Trey made sure she stayed away from it. “It’s not worth it anyways.”

“I think we’re getting a bit off track, anyways.” Backdraft said. “This time, we’re taking the modern way to travel. Any bitching, and I’ll cut off your tongues, do I make myself clear?” Everypony remained silent. “Good.” he pulled out a phone from a pouch in his belt and dialed in a number. “Caramel? Yeah, it’s Backdraft, I’m calling in a favor from when I saved your ass in Coltistan, still flying the Black Hawk? Good, mind picking me and some ponies up in front of the Canterlot Castle? Great, see you in a few.”

“This had better live up to the hype.” said Trey. “I know sex didn’t.”

“Trey, I’m just going to remind this one time. I am carrying a loaded weapon.” Backdraft motioned to his USP. “Don’t test me.”

“I’m not trying to test your technology. I’m just trying to point out the complete uselessness of having aerial vehicles when nearly everypony here is a pegasus.”

“Pinkie isn’t, and Fluttershy can barely fly. Besides, the Black Hawk flies faster than either of us.”

“I can fly fine...” said Fluttershy.

“Yes, you do. Don’t listen to him. Like I said, he’s a little bold sometimes.” said Trey, hugging her.

“Actually, I’m just going by what Rainbow Dash told me.” Backdraft pointed out.

“Yeah, that explains it. Whatever. Let’s hope your black hawk can spice things up.”

“Bow chicka wow wow!” Tucker said.

“Black HAWK. Not black COCK. Besides, you don’t even know what the latter is. Or maybe you know a little too much about them.” Backdraft rolled his eyes.

“I think he was talking about when you said spice things up.”

“Like foal spice, baby.”

“And, seriously Trey, stop bashing on the co-” Backdraft began, but was interrupted by the sound of helicopter blades as the Black Hawk passed over, landing nearby them. A tan colored earth pony stepped out of the cockpit and trotted up to Backdraft.

“It’s good to see you again Colonel!” Backdraft said, having to shout over the helicopter.

“Likewise! Get on board!” Caramel shouted back as he ran back to the cockpit, climbing back in. Pinkie and Backdraft climbed inside of it automatically, but the other three hesitated.

“What the fuck are you guys waiting for?!” Backdraft shouted.

“It’s so big...and loud...” said Fluttershy. Trey rolled his eyes and helped her inside.

“Don’t worry, I have friends in high places, too, Fluttershy. I’ll show off my power of musicianship eventually.”

“In the meantime, how about I contact my old friend, Brigadier General Golden Delicious? He can bring in a M1A1 Abrams.” Backdraft said, smirking.

“Say, Pinkie, you like to sing, don’t you?” began Trey.

“Oh, yes! Would you like to hear a song?”

“No, but tell you what...I have some connections that would make it to where you could potentially perform for all of Equestria...”

“REALLY?” she said, bouncing up and down, causing the helicopter to sway.

“Wow, for the first time all day, you’re not being a prick, Trey.”

Trey ignored him. “Yes, I can. Sure beats being able to call up a helicopter at any time, doesn’t it?”

“YES YES YES YES YES!!!”

“Keep working on your voice and let me know when you’re ready. I’ll put in a good word for you at the Canterlot Symphony Hall.” he said, smiling slyly at Backdraft.

“Looks like I can make your filly happier than you can.” Backdraft rolled his eyes and Trey laughed as the helicopter flew back to Ponyville.

“Next stop, Ponyville, over.” said Caramel, breaking up the fight. The Black Hawk flew over their home, landing in a nearby field. Pinkie and Backdraft immediately jumped out, galloping for the house.

“Go get the smartass!” Backdraft called to the others, before walking inside of the house, Pinkie in tow.

“Then let’s all regroup at substation alpha bravo.” said Trey, sarcastically. “Whatever. C’mon, Fluttershy.” he said, as she and Trey trotted to Twilight’s library.

“Um, what should I do!” Tucker called out to them.

“Find a sheep.” said Trey.

“I think I have one!” said Fluttershy.

“Uh...let him find his own.” said Trey.

“I think I’ll just follow you guys...” Tucker said, chasing after them.

“Oh...ok.” said Fluttershy.

Eventually, they tracked down Twilight’s library, knocking on the wood frame of her door.

“Oh, hey Trey! Hey Fluttershy! And Hellllloooooooo, Tucker.” she said, winking at him. Tucker blushed, unsure of how to respond.

“Well that shut you up. Knew it would. Anyways, what can I do for you?”

“Backdraft says he wants a smartass for our mystical quest. He believes you’re an excellent smartass and that you should accompany us in case we need a smartass.”

“Damn straight.” Twilight said.

“See, told you guys!” Backdraft said as he and Pinkie walked up behind them, both wearing ACU’s, body armor, and Army Combat Helmets. Backdraft threw a large bag out into the middle of the group, before unslinging his HK416, aiming it down at the ground.

“You ever think you might be overkilling it with the military stuff?” asked Trey.

“Shock-and-awe, my friend, shock-and-awe.” Backdraft said.

“Right.” he said, annoyed. “Let’s just go.”