“Wake up!” screamed Pinkie.

“Huh?” asked Trey in a tired daze. Pinkie suddenly burst out into song.

“This is your wake up call!

Don’t make me crush your balls!

Get out of bed you lazy fuck

Or I will kill a duck!

Today we go onto the road,

licking lots of toads!

And gators...named gummy...

and I like honey...” she finished, staggering, falling to the floor, her inebriation catching back up with her.

“I don’t want to lick toads!” Backdraft called from the living room.

Trey looked at his clock. It wasn’t more than 30 minutes after Fluttershy and Trey had fallen asleep, still way too early to be getting up. Suddenly, Trey heard the cocking of a shotgun.

“Get up.” Backdraft ordered.

“Wake up, Trey!!!” said a gentle yelling, like that of an Angel. “It’s time to get up, silly!”

Trey screamed awake, facing the bright shining sun. Fluttershy yelped a bit, looking at him curiously.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Just a...bad dream...” he said. “It didn’t have you in it.” he said, smiling at her, regaining his composure. He wasn’t exactly sure what just happened, but it was...interesting...to say the least.

“You’re such a kiss-ass.” Backdraft said, standing in the doorway.

“Why are you even looking in my door? Don’t you ever knock?”

“Heard somepony screaming. I could have kicked down the door, if that’s better.” he pointed out, a smirk on his face.

“...let’s just go.”

“Go where?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. We’re going to Canterlot to find our mother. Taking Fluttershy along with me as well.”

“Can I come?” asked Pinkie, bouncing out from nowhere, once again. “I love adventure games!”

“I suppose we could use some back up...” Backdraft muttered.

“Backup? This is a simple ‘get into town, find our orphanage, find mom’ quest. Not a Coltistani combat mission. What could go wrong that we could possibly need backup?”

“You can never be too careful.” Backdraft said, loading a clip into his USP.

“WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT OUT?” yelled Trey in shock. Fluttershy yelped and hid under the covers, behind Trey.

“I heard screaming, naturally I thought somepony was in danger.”

“SHE WAS SCREAMING BECAUSE OF YOU!!! STANDING IN THE DOORWAY LIKE A CREEPER. OUT! OUT!”

“Meh, fine.” Backdraft said, trotting out, closing the door behind him.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here?” Trey asked Fluttershy, removing the covers. “It might be a better idea. He’s a little...bold sometimes.”

“Bite me!” Backdraft called out from the living room.

“His hearing is certainly better than I remember it...the virus is mutating.”

“Virus?”

“Years ago, they tried to create a breed of supersoldier...Backdraft was the puniest one of the bunch...he was chosen. The effects after the injection weren’t immediately apparent...but in the most recent years, several of his senses have developed. His eyesight suddenly went 0/20. His sense of smell increased. Now, his hearing.”

“Is there a downside to this biogenetic mutation?”

“There always is. He just doesn’t know it yet. I saw the case file.” he said, whispering to Fluttershy. “When one sense heightens, he loses another sense. Ever since gaining his sense of smell, he lost his sense of direction. His eyesight made him lose his common sense. And worst of all...now that his hearing has increased...he’ll be losing his sense of sexuality.” he said, leaning back out. “They created a brand new breed of metrosexual soldier. Backdraft is only the beginning.”

“...really?” she asked timidly.

“Nope. Let’s go.” he said, exiting the room.

“Remind me to kick your ass when I get the chance, Trey.” Backdraft said as they walked into the living room.

“What ever did I do?”

“New breed of metrosexual soldiers? Really?”

“I know that plush scarf isn’t reconnaissance uniform.” he said, gently touching his frilly scarf with his hoof. Backdraft rolled his eyes.

“It’s Pinkies.” he said, annoyed as he threw it around Pinkies neck. “Let’s just go.”

***

“And here we are...brings back good memories.” said Trey, as the orphanage rolled into view.

“Last chance orphanage for poor, hopeless kids?” read Fluttershy. “Hopeless? That’s...not nice.”

“The owner is kind of a prick.” Backdraft muttered, walking inside.

“The owner could have changed in recent years though.”

“Hello there, and welcome to...oh...it’s you two.” said the receptionist, a dark blue pony with a white mane. “I thought we got rid of you.”

“Oh Agatha, you always were good at boosting self-esteem. Glad to see you kept your double chin.” said Trey, glaring at her. She felt her chin for a bit, looking away.

“Cut the shit, Agatha. We’re here to find our mother. The headmistress in?” Backdraft asked a little forcefully.

“She’s not in right now. Try again never.” she said, putting a newspaper up, shielding herself from the world. Backdraft grabbed the paper from her, staring her down, his hoof raised above his head in a threatening manner. Suddenly, a voice rang out on the loudspeaker.

“Agatha, send our guests to my office. Escort them yourself. Maybe you’ll exert 10 calories.” Agatha sighed, tossing the paper aside.

“Why is he always so violent?” Fluttershy asked Trey.

“The military does strange things to you. Music just makes you want to fuck.”

“Nah, I just always wanted to do that. She had it coming, you know it, Trey.” Backdraft pointed out.

“My diplomatic and pacifistic nature prevent me from saying anything. I won’t provide a contrary, however.”

“AGATHA RUNS, THE ORPHANAGE,

AND HAS A DOUBLE CHIN!

IF SHE DOESN’T LET US SEE THEIR MOM

I’LL PUT HER IN THE TRASH BIN!” yelled Pinkie.

“...really?” asked Trey. “Why did we bring her along?” he whispered to Backdraft.

“Back up.” Backdraft said. “She’s the only other one here who knows how to fight.”

“I know how to fight. I just choose not to. Let’s just get this over with.”

Agatha showed them into an office, where the headmaster sat back in a recliner.

“Leave your guests outside.” she said. Pinkie and Fluttershy exchanged worried glances and waited outside the door.

“Now, leave Agatha. Trot there, maybe you’ll lose a pound.” Agatha closed the door, cursing at the headmaster. “Now.What brings you back?”

“We’re trying to find our mother.” said Backdraft.

“You realize this is an orphanage, right?”

“We know you have records on our families.”

“Wasn’t Trey over there selected by Celestia? Why not start with her? We have nothing on him, and hardly anything on you, Backdraft.”

“Oh yeah... good thinking.” Backdraft turned to Trey. “Looks like we have an audience with the Princess, bro.”

“I do. You have some records to catch up on. I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Oh, you’re not going anywhere.” said the headmaster, producing a bajillion pistol.

“Bajillion? Those are outlawed in Equestria!” said Backdraft, pulling his USP out, aiming at her head.

“Didn’t stop me.” she said, pointing her gun. Don’t try anything.” she said. “This is modified. If you shoot me, the gun will go off. Dead colt’s switch. If I release, this fires. If I die, I release. You’re screwed either way. Now let’s have a gentle talk.” she said, squeezing the trigger, activating the dead colt’s switch.

“PINKIE! BACK UP!” Backdraft shouted as Pinkie jumped through the window, an HK416 in her hooves, kicking the headmaster in the face, a sickening crack filling the air as she broke her jaw. The gun went off as she dropped the pistol, the round narrowly missing Trey’s hoof. Pinkie kicked away the pistol, firing a round into the headmasters head.

“Compulsory action scene over!!!” said Pinkie, bouncing out the door just as quickly as she came in. Trey and Backdraft exchanged glances, exiting a short bit later.

“Is everything alright in there? I heard gunshots...” said Fluttershy.

“I told you we would need the back up.” Backdraft said, a smirk on his face.

“Where did she even get her own gun?”

“I’m a Green Beret, 1st Special Forces Brigade.” she said, smiling. Pinkie was kinda scary now.

“Well...Fluttershy, you’re here to offer dramatic contrast. Don’t go insane.” said Trey.

“Don’t worry.” she said, tying a black headband around her head. “I won’t.”

***

“Princess motherfucking Celestia!!!” said Trey, greeting Celestia.

“Trey! What up in this house?” she retorted. She gave Trey a hug and the two started to talk.

“This..what?” said Backdraft. “That’s Princess Celestia, Trey.”

“I know.”

“Shouldn’t you...like...address her respectfully?”

“You’d be surprised at how laid back the princess can be. She doesn’t like having to be royal all the time. I released her inhibitions.”

“Sounds kinky.” said Tucker.

“Tucker, where have you been? I’ve completely forgotten about your existence.”

“I was with Luna. Bow chicka wow wow.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at him. “What?” she asked.

“You heard him!” Luna called from another room.

“That’s...what are you here for Trey?” she asked, turning her attention to him.

“We want to find our mother.” said Backdraft.

“Yes, we indeed are looking for our maternal figure. You picked me up from the orphanage and I never knew who my mom was. I just figured you’d have records. Maybe run some blood tests, you know?”

“Well...I see. Trey, what I’m about to tell you will be a bit...shocking. Fluttershy, Pinkie, Tucker, I’d ask that you leave the room. This is for Trey and Backdraft only.”

Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Tucker left the room, leaving Trey and Backdraft alone in her large study.

“Now, this is strange. But it gets stranger. But...I...am your mother.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” screamed Trey.