Hello there again, now how about we get to what you needed huh? You’ve already been such a dear and I don’t want to take up any more of your time.

…Are you sure? The other day you didn’t look like you wanted to hear my little story at all....

Is this because you want to hear what happens to Ares when he meets my aunts? Yes, he does meet them.

Fine, why don’t you sit down and get comfortable then, because I’m going to tell you one of the most embarrassing and confusing situations that I have ever been in in my life…

So about a week had passed since the arrival of Ares and everything was going rather smoothly. My subjects had taken the news that they had an alien in their midst rather well, many even going so far as to all but forcing themselves into The Ward to speak or see him.

In all of the confusion I was able to finish all of my paperwork for the next few months, and I also learned that you really needed to look in the fine print if you wanted to keep the nobles from trying to pass any funny laws. I won’t go into specifics but the noble that wanted the monopoly on ice cream, realllly wanted it.

Shiny’s concussion had all but gone away and the best part of that was that the doctor had given him a stay of leave to, as she put it, “rest up”, so I had gotten to spend some much needed time with my stallion. Shiny seemed a little off though, he always seemed like he kept looking into my eyes like he was looking for something, and when I asked him about it he always changed the subject, which usually consisted of us talking about Ares.

Speaking of the human he was getting better remarkably fast as well, so much so that soon he was bothering the doctor to let him out of his bed, which she furiously refused until he had just gotten one of my little ponies, who had come to visit him, to get him a wheelchair, which he used to wheel himself out of the castle and into the market district.

How he had gotten past my guards I still don’t know and he wouldn’t tell me, simply saying, “It’s the ninja swag, Candy, the ninja swag,” What and the hay a ninja was I don’t know.

So after that little stunt he pulled, I did two things to keep Ares and the doctor from killing each other. One, I assigned Flash Sentry to guard him and to keep him out of trouble. Two, I usually tried to spend as much time with him as possible, usually bringing my paperwork with me so I could get some work done while I listened with half an ear to whatever Ares said about himself.

Some of it was just a bunch of silly stories about all of the things he did when he was little, a bit more than I would have liked was sad, and there was a lot that I was sure that he was making up. I mean, I know he’s an alien and everything, but giant machines that can carry hundreds of pony’s into the air, or a little thing that connects you to anypony in the world?

There’s no way that stuff like that exists… Right?

Ares couldn’t even tell me how they worked, so I’m inclined to believe that what he told me was a load of horseapples.

So like I said, everything was going fine…Until it wasn’t.

Let me explain.

So there I was, in my bedroom, snuggling with my husband in our bed, when I hear this pounding on my door like whoever was knocking was trying to break down my door.

“Who and in world…” I said as I got up and walked to the door, looking at Shiny before opening the door….

…To see an armor-clad Celestia and Luna glaring down at me. Oh crud, I thought as I was lifted into the air with a squeak.

“A-aunty's! What are you two-” I flinched as I felt them slide something onto my horn.

“Be still, niece,” Luna calmly said, looking at me with an expression that was mixed between anger and pity. “We are here to aid thee.”

I sputtered. “Aid me from what?! And did you put a magic blocker on me?!”

It was Aunty Celestia who answered me. “It’s for your and our safety. Shining Armor told us about the creature that arrived in your kingdom and that he suspects that it has affected your mind,” she explained, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to be laughing at the ridiculousness of this situation or screaming my head off. It didn’t help when Shiny looked solemnly at me.

“Don’t worry, Cadence,” he said, making my eye twitch, “If there’s anything wrong with that creature the princesses will put a stop to it and fix you.”

I ignored him, because if I looked at him a minute longer then I was going to really lose it, Shiny was soooo going to the doghouse for this. Grumbling, I rolled my eyes as I was levitated out of the room into the hallway to see it filled with guards and a certain purple sister-in-law of mine.

“Oh hello, Cadence! How are you doing?” Twilight cheerfully said, ignoring the legion of guards around us as I snorted.

“Fine, Twilight,” I said, glaring at my aunts. “I’ve just been jumped and gagged-”

“We did not gag thee,” Luna interrupted, but I ignored her and continued.

“-gagged me because they think Ares, somepony who can’t even walk right now, let alone mess with my head, is some world-conquering alien!”

At least aunty Celestia had the decency to look a little ashamed while Twilight gave a little nervous chuckle. “We’re just being cautious, Cadence,” she said as my aunts nodded.

“We will take in the measure of this creature,” Luna stated, her eyes hard. “If he is innocent and respectful toward us then all will be well. If not…” Her horn glowed threateningly, letting the rest sit as Celestia looked Shiny.

“Shining,” she said calmly, “Do you happen to know where the creature would be at the moment?”

My husband nodded. “Yes, it should be in the gardens right now with a Private Flash Sentry.”

It took more willpower than I care to admit to control myself as I took a shaky breath. “He. Ares is not an it,” I said without looking at him, “Aunty Celestia,” I said, turning toward the alicorn, “Could you put me down? I promise that I won’t try to take my horn inhibitor off; you can even have a guard watch me.” I didn’t want Ares to be too scared…Or do anything too dumb.

Boy did I hope that the doctor put something in his I.V. so he would be less…himself. Otherwise Aunty Luna was going to have some painful, violent words with him.

Aunty Celestia looked at me thoughtfully before gently putting me down. “Alright, Cadence,” she said as her horn glowed, encasing Twilight and Shining in a golden glow for a minute before disappearing. “Shining and Twilight should now be protected if this ‘Ares’ is able to manipulate someponies mind; they will watch you while we speak to him.”

It’s not like I have a choice, I sorely thought as we walked toward the guards, Aunty Celestia ordering the guards to stay where they were. Our little group would have stayed in silence if Twilight hadn’t broken it.

“Oh, this is so exciting!” She all but squealed, something I would have found adorable if I wasn’t so angry at the moment. “I can’t believe we get to meet a real live alien,” she turned toward me, a big smile on her muzzle, which made me smile a little as we entered the garden, to a not-so-hopeful sound.

“Come on, Flash, just look at this thing,” a voice that sounded a lot like Ares loudly said.

I could hear the rattle of armor. “No, you get that away from me you weirdo! I mean how can you look at that?”

“What? I asked for reading material and the doctor was helpful enough to provide it.”

“But it’s weird!”

“Well you’re weird, ya silly dog-pony.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“You stop yelling, I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you’re screaming at me like a nutjob.”

Ares is going to die, I thought as we finally spied the human, who was in his wheelchair, under a tree with a blanket wrapped around him. The closer we got the more tense my aunt’s became as I rolled my eyes at the display, squinting at the human and seeing the pair of IV’s that were always around him, along with a magazine that I couldn’t make out.

It was Flash Sentry, who looked really red in the face, who finally noticed us, the stallion quickly bowing, trying to keep his helmet from falling off as he said, “Your Highnesses, it’s really neat that your- I mean it’s an honor to be in your presence and-”

“That’s enough, soldier,” Shiny said as Ares looked up from his magazine to stare at our little group, cocking his head curiously.

“Morning, ladies,” he said, scrunching his face up in thought. “Or is it afternoon? Hey Flash, what time is it?”

The stallion looked up from his bowing to stare at the human in panic. “Ares,” he hissed, “You need to bow to the princesses!”

Ares stared bemusedly at him. “Flash, I’m in a wheelchair, please explain to me how I would do about doing that.”

“Well you can at least try!”

The human snorted, closing his magazine and putting it on his lap. “Put a sock in it and push me over to all of these princesses; watch the IV’s this time you dummy,” Grumbling, Flash got behind Ares and pushed him within hoof length as he stared at aunty Celestia and Luna intently.

“…So, what are you two the princesses of?” He asked, making the two blink.

“Pardon?” Celestia politely asked as she looked down at the human.

Ares waved a hand around. “You know,” he pointed over to me. “Candy over here is the ‘Princess of love’, so what are you guys?” Though my aunts couldn’t see it, I had my head in my hooves. He’s going to really die, I thought as I saw what the human had been reading.

Because Ares had somehow gotten his hands on what looked to be a Playmare. I’ll repeat that for you in case you weren’t listening, Ares, in front of the most powerful ponies in the world, had a smutty magazine sitting right on his lap unconcealed.

Thankfully though, nopony else had noticed it yet, so there was a chance I could snag it.

Finally, after looking shocked for a few moments, Aunt Luna said, “We, creature, are Princess Luna, ruler of the night.”

“I am Princess Celestia, the controller of the sun, Mr. Ares,” Aunt Celestia said in a slightly guarded tone, though she didn’t look as serious as before as the human looked at them slightly awed.

He leaned out of his chair a little to inspect the alicorns. “Your hair’s really neat; do you have some kind of antigravity shampoo or something?” He asked Aunt Celestia, who looked down at the human with bemusement.

I couldn’t help but grin a little as I saw Aunt Celestia’s face. Though she had the best poker face I’ve ever seen and it took a lot to rile her up, I could see the beginnings of an eye twitch as Ares continued.

“So, the princesses of the sun and the night huh, that’s really neat, way better than what Candy rules over there.”

I couldn’t help but squeak at that as I ascended on the human. “And what is wrong with being the princess of love?” I demanded as Ares snorted.

“You can’t rule an emotion, Candy,” the human argued as he poked a finger into my chest. “Even if you could, controlling love is dumb, you should be messing with madness or happiness or something like that. Look at the other princess,” he jerked a thumb toward my aunts. “Ruling the Night? That’s awesome,” he blinked slowly before looking back at me, frowning slightly.

“The doctor must have put something weird in my IV or something; I usually don’t ramble like this. You know she gave me a Playmare?” I swatted the smut away as Ares showed it to me, a sour look on my face.

“Playmare? What month is the edition, creature?” We all turned toward Luna, who was looking at the human straight-faced.

Ares looked at Luna before picking up the magazine and looking at the cover. “Eh… This month’s I think…”

Luna smiled, walking up to him and looking at the Playmare. “May we partake in the viewing?”

Ares shrugged, opening the smut back up and waving the princess closer, “Sure, but could you take that crazy battle-helmet off? It’s kinda throwing me off.”

Aunty Luna stuck a hoof into the air, “Huzzah!” She said before sitting behind the human and he cracked it open.

“Is this happening?” Shiny finally asked as I dragged a hoof across my face.

“Ares,” I asked, slowly. “Could you please tell me why you’re reading a magazine that’s made for mares?”

“Morbid curiosity,” he answered, turning the magazine and pulling out the elongated paper out. Luna gasp and Ares whistled.

“Jesus, what do you guys eat? You could knock a bitch out with that thing.”

“Oh my, he is… adequate, very adequate.”

…There’s no way this can be real. I’m sure if I close my eyes I’ll wake up in my bedroom, I thought as I calmly looked around, seeing a red-faced Twilight and Flash Sentry, an angry-looking Shiny, and Aunt Celestia who’s horn glowed gently, taking away Ares magazine.

“Mr. Ares,” she said slowly, walking up to the human, who looked up at her. “Do you know why we are here?”

“I couldn’t say, ma’am,” the human answered, looking into the princesses eyes. “I’m no private eye or anything, but the armor throws up some red flags.”

She smiled. “My sister and I are merely here to see because we received a letter that you might be controlling my niece.”

Ares looked past the princess to look at Shining. “Shining,” he said calmly, “I understand where you’re coming from, protecting your women and all, but in the interest of my self-preservation, go get fucked by the Kool-aid man.”

He looked at both Celestia and Luna as Shiny stiffened slightly. “So, you’ve seen me.”

“Yes,” Celestia replied, “But we haven’t seen you.”

That made him smile as he reached up and touched her mane. “That’s really neat,” he muttered, “You know, Princess, I’m gonna play with your ears before this is over, maybe make you or your sister my cuddle-buddy.”

The princess gave him a little smile as she slowly drew her head away from him. “Oh, really?”

“Yep, but if we’re going to do the whole cuddle thing I think I’m gonna gun for you, you look a lot warmer than your sister.”

“I am bigger.”

“You are… Celly,” We all stiffened at the name, “Are you messing with my head?”

She cocked her head at him, “What makes you think that?”

He scrunched his face at her, still not breaking their gaze. “It feels like someone’s clawing around up there. It might be me but I think it’s a little weird you’re looking deeply into my peepers, it kinda looks like you wanna make out with me.”

Before any of us could say anything Aunty Celestia raised a wing, still looking at the human. “You know, Mr. Ares, I think you’re a bit smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

“Whatever you say, Princess,” he answered, “You know I head-butted Shiny over there.”

“I know, he told us when he sent it in the letter.”

“Can I have my magazine back?”

“In a minute, I’m enjoying this little talk; it’s not every day that somepony talks to me like this.”

Ares shivered a little bit, pulling the blanket over himself tightly. “I don’t see why not, in fact, if I could get up I’d try to play fetch with you. Boy would you look adorable with a stick in your mouth.”

Luna let out a little giggle, “You are an odd one creature, but thou have good taste in literature.”

“Danke schoen, so what are you two gonna do to me? I’m pretty tired of this beating around the bush nonsense.”

Celestia hummed, “You don’t seem evil, Mr. Ares, so we will let you be, but I would still like you to come with us to Canterlot while we find a way to get you home.”

Ares hummed, “I’ll think about it if you let me see Shining’s letter, I wanna see what he wrote.”

The princesses looked at each other, and then at Shiny, whose shoulders squared slightly, his face a neutral mask. “We don’t see why not,” Luna said, clapping her hooves together. “Twilight Sparkle, could you bring the document?

I watched as Twilight all but sprinted toward them, thoroughly confused as some emotions raged through me. One was embarrassment; I mean Ares was showing my aunt pornography for crying out loud! Then he’s telling them- nope, not gonna think about it anymore, nope.

Then there’s confusion about what was going on. Mindreading? Not seeing him? What were they talking about?

I couldn’t sort through my emotions for long though, because I heard, “You’re purple,” he told Twilight who was looking up at him mystified. The unicorn shook her head slowly as she passed him the paper.

“Lavender actually,” she corrected.

I smiled at Ares unease, “Are you okay, Ares,” I said almost mockingly as Ares stiffened.

“Shut up, Candy.”

Twilight cocked her head at him, “Mr. Ares am I doing something-”

“Nonono,” he said, waving her off, “It’s just that I get weird around purple.”

“You mean you’re scared,” I sing-songed, as Ares growled, not wheeling around everypony to get to me.

“Shut up and go make some love,” he snapped as I giggled. It was always funny to push the human's buttons.

“At least I’m not a gardener,” I said as he stiffened.

“I already told you Candy, I’m a tamer, protector, and shaper of various floras in areas that other people own.”

Twilight blinked, “But…That’s what a gardener basically does.”

Ares ignored her, looking oddly dignified in his wheelchair as he passed me what Shiny wrote. “You don’t look real thrilled at your kin being here,” he said, suddenly serious, “But I think I understand why Becca over there did what he did, so how about you go listen to what he says before you lose your mind on him.”

I blinked slowly at him. “…That’s oddly decent of you, Ares,” I told him, as I turned toward Shiny, who was watching us, “I’m mad, oh boy am I mad, but I’ll give him a chance to explain himself.”

Ares snorted as he adjusted his blanket. “You’re the one that made me promise to be nicer to the guy,” Ares said as he snapped his fingers as I giggled, “By the way, tell Isabella over there I’m going to keep calling him girls names because of this. There’s only so much of this buddy-buddy bullshit I can do when the guy does this.”

I frowned as he shivered again. “You shouldn’t have wheeled yourself over here, you’re still healing remember?”

The human nodded closing his eyes. “I shouldn’t be this fine after just a week,” he said quietly, “I still should be in bed; I think you’re magic’s messing with me.”

I gently nuzzled him, concerned, “Did you-”

“Tell the doctor? Yep, she’s looking into it. The bitch took about a gallon of my blood for testing,” he gently patted my neck, nudging his head at Shiny; “You’d better go talk to your boy while I try to get my Playmare back from your mind-reading aunt. Hey, Flash, get over here and wheel my ass back over there.”

As the stallion did what he was told I looked at the piece of folded paper still caught in my magic. With a simple flick of my magic the paper was opened,

Dear Princess Celestia,

I write this letter, firstly hoping that it reaches you in good health

I snorted at the cheesy beginning. “Why don’t you just go up and kiss her flank, Shiny,” I muttered as I continued reading,

What I ask of you is hard because shows you something that I rather dislike to admit, that there is something that I think I will not be able to handle what’s running around in the Crystal Empire at the moment. On August 16 of this year my soldiers and I stumbled upon a creature that resembled a Yeti, or that was what it appeared at first glance.

Though it pains me to admit it, without thought I attacked it, hoping to drive it away to keep it from hurting Cadence’s ponies. In the short skirmish I was injured but the creature was injured and-

“Yes, yes, where’s the important bit,” I muttered as I skimmed through the paper, my anger slowly rising. Wasn’t this our kingdom? I mean I’m trained to sense mind-control, and the only reason Chrysalis was able to capture me because she had thirty Changelings with inhibitors, so I think I’m able to take care of myself. Really, don’t give me that look, it’s true.

“Keep calm, Cadence, keep calm,” I now all but whispered as I continued to read,

I believe that this creature has done something to my Cadence. As I have stated before, though it was deserved on my part, this ‘Ares’ has a capacity for violence and it should not be ignored. Cadence, having been taught under you, should have at least put the creature under guard. But instead of using any caution she lets this creature alone under our own roof.

I know that I may sound a little bit silly but there’s something in this Ares's eyes, something angry and sad and dark and I do not think Cadence sees it, even if she is just being naïve. So I’m asking you-

One moment I was reading this… letter, the next it was on fire as I started to breathe heavily. I was the one in the wrong?!

What is the thing everypony is taught when we are little? To love and tolerate all, no matter what they looked like. Why shouldn’t I give some- somebody, somebody that’s hurt and scared and hungry a nuzzle and a helping hoof?

I took a few deep breaths and walked toward my husband, who looked like he was about to enter a battle. Battle wasn’t the right word though; a battle implies that he could win. Nonono, Shiny was about to have the very unpleasant experience of being part of an argument massacre. “Shiny,” I said, gritting my teeth, “Could I speak to you alone for a minute?...”

…

The two Princesses, unicorn, and guard looked at the human with an intense amount of concentration as Twilight frantically scribbled down notes, the mare red in the face as Luna cleared her throat.

“Could you explain the concept of these ‘dick pics’ again to us, Ares?” She asked, leaning her head into the humans hand as he scratched her behind the ear.

“Yes, Ares, it seems like an interesting concept,” Celestia said as she watched the human's hand move, Luna humming happily as he scratched.

The human nodded sagely, happy to teach, “Alright, Flash, Purple, front and center, I need you two to help explain this. Yeah, stand together, now,” The human gave Flash a nudge, “Let’s say big boy over here fancy's purple,” Celestia couldn’t help but smile as the filly and colt blushed, avoiding each other’s gaze.

“So maybe the two talk a little bit and then one thing leads to another.”

“We are still with thee,” Luna stated as she all but put her head in Ares lap. “Scratch behind the ear harder, human, it feels divine.”

Ares complied, continuing his explanation. “Then Flash over there gets to thinking, ‘to hell with it, I want to have sex!’ so he takes a picture of his dick and sends it to Twilight over there,” the human shrugged. “What she does with it is her choice.”

Celestia hummed, “It seems like there is a lot that can go wrong with that.”

“Nay sister!” Luna said, sluggishly raising a hoof. “We find it an adventurous idea. In fact…” She blushed slightly, “We think we shall think of a way to introduce this to our ponies.”

Ares snorted, grinning at Twilight and Flash, who still wouldn’t look at each other, before looking at Celestia, who was calmly looking through his Playmare. “So Princess,” he said, “How long until you and yours plan on moseying home?”

Celestia looked up from the magazine, raising an eyebrow. “Eager to see us leave, Mr. Ares?”

The human grinned. “Nah, I just need to know how long I have to work you down. I already got your sister and I’m sure purple over there wouldn’t last more than five minutes. You’re the one that’s going to be difficult, but you’ll be begging ear rubs three days tops.”

The Princess smiled, cocking her head, “You make it sound like you do not wish to come with us.”

“I like it here. Besides, I think my doc would be pretty pissed if she didn’t win some award studying me.”

Celestia nodded, her gaze going back to the magazine. “We will leave in a few days, it has been a rather long time since Luna and I have seen Cadence, and I’m sure that Twilight wishes to catch up with her brother.”

“And you still wanna make sure that I’m not hurting anything,” the human dryly stated as he cradled Luna’s head.

“Do you prefer that I lie to you? I’ve only just met you after all and I’m still mildly concerned.”

“You do what you want, Princess,” Ares said as the two shared a knowing look. “And I’d be happy to answer any questions that any of you have,” he looked down at Luna for a moment. “But if you don’t mind, Princess Luna, I’ve got a little question for you.”

Luna looked up at the human with a bright smile. “And what is that, our human friend?”

“You’re royalty right?”

“We should hope so.”

“So why are you looking at pony porn?”

The Princess hummed, gently nuzzling the humans lap before replying, “Our sister wished us to preview some of today’s literature, so we chose this and some other of these magazines.”

The human, Twilight, and Flash looked over to the princess, who didn’t look up from the Playmare. “Luna asked me and I gave her this,” she shrugged, “I prefer Hustler myself but to each her own…”

Author's Notes:

I tried to make this serious first, then I tried to make this funny. This is the result.

If this seems a bit funny-reading its because I've had to do this with an English research paper, so it might seem research-y

Oh, and the Cadence being able to defend herself is going to be talked about in the next Ch

P.S. If anybody cares the fear of the color purple is called Porphyrophobia

P.P.S. Since everyone seems to be doing it I think I'm gonna do a Daring Do one-shot to keep from getting bored

P.P.P.S. Blah
If they're errors just tell me