Author's Notes:

Just some minor touch-ups here, mostly to coincide with earlier, more major changes.

We Know

Adrenalin flooded my system as I read those words. Time seemed to slow. Shit! They must think I'm some foreign spy or something! Fuck ME! I thought to myself as I scanned the room for a way out. Behind the purple pegacorn I saw an umbrella stand with a few handles sticking out of it. One of them looked like a baseball bat. I made a decision.

In the few milliseconds it took me to analyze and decide, Twilight's expression went from a smile to confusion, then changed to alarm as I leapt over her. She balked, and I landed in a crouch. A moment later I had grabbed the bat and switched my stance, now I was holding it in front of me while standing in an offensive position. Matt, or whatever his name was, finally reacted, raising both of his hands up in the universal position of surrender. Twilight was in a different position, sparing Mitt a brief glance before turning back to me. Dr. Song was still by the doorway, seemingly frozen in shock.

I refocused on the immediate threat, which was currently charging it's horn. I raised the bat and swung, much to Micheal's horror and Twilight's surprise. Yet when the expected impact never arrived, I stared down in confusion. My hand was empty. I realized I somehow lost the bat from between me raising it and Twilight's head.Seeing Dr. Song's expression of fear and surprise, as well as her glowing horn, I put two and two together. Dumbly, I looked up to see the bat floating above my head. For a moment, it hung there, defying gravity as it was held. Then it came swinging down in an arc to fast for me to dodge. I felt the impact, and then, nothing.

Dr. Song stood still, the baseball bat still in her telekinetic grasp. Twilight looked over at her and sighed.

“I'll go make some coffee. Max... can you.... clean up in here a bit? I'll be right back.”

Max nodded, walking over to the limp human and moving him onto the couch. He turned back to Dr. Song, who by now had released the bat and was mouthing the word 'what' over and over again. Max shook his head, picking up the bat and a few umbrellas and putting them back into the recently re-uprighted stand. He looked back over to the shocked pony, before picking up his quill and notebook from where he dropped it.

+Are you alright?+ He wrote out, before putting it in front of Dr. Song's face.

The green pony backpedaled, landing on her rump as she shook her head. “How..... How are you?”

+What, writing?+ Dr. Song nodded. +Well, it is an ancient Chinese secret, but I'll tell you. I grasp the quill betwixt my fingers and then gently brush the tip against the paper to release the stored ink in a pre-determined pattern.+

Dr. Song gave him a deadpan expression, before seemign to realize who she was talking to. She shook her head again. “Alright, this is either an especially whacked out dream, or I'm talking to... a human...”

Max shrugged then nodded.

Dr. Song just sighed. “This.... This is a lot to take in...”

Max nodded again.

“Coffee's brewing.” Twilight said, interrupting Dr. Song's thoughts, “Why don't we move to the kitchen, where we can discuss this some more until Ulrich wakes up.”

“That's probably a good idea.” Dr. Song said, already moving towards the green kitchen door.

I woke up with a massive headache, though it wasn't as bad as a hangover. Groaning, I slowly sitting up from my prone position. Looking around, I saw that I was still in the library, though someone had moved me to the large couch. I shook my head to clear it a bit and thought back to what had happened.

Ughhh..... I way over-reacted there. Seeing as I'm not in some interrogation room. Or tied up... or worse.... I sighed. That's what I get for jumping to conclusions....

Now that I was at least mostly mentally capable, I decided to find my would-be assault victims. I drastically needed to apologize. Standing up, I walked towards the staircase on the opposite side of the room,only to hear a door opening.

“-go check on Ulrich. See if he's up yet!” Twilight said. I turned just as she caught sight of me. “Oh... ummm...”

She stood in a position that radiated wariness. Her front foreleg seemed to hover above the ground, as if uncertain if another step would be a good choice. I raised up my hands in the universal 'I mean you no harm' gesture, and she seemed to relax. She rubbed the back of her head with the hoof she had previously kept hovering above the ground.

“So..... I take it this means you aren't going to randomly attack me.” She asked.

I smiled and shrugged, though I gave her a wink to show I wasn't being serious.

“Uhuh. Well... At least you've got some humor in you. C'mon. Dr. Song wants to meet you for real this time. I didn't know what you'd like to drink, so I made some coffee for all of us. I hope that's ok.”

As soon as she said 'coffee' I perked up, sniffing the air. Sure enough, the wonderful aroma of brewed beans reached my nostrils. I practically floated towards the door, while Twilight looked on in half puzzlement and half amusement.

Upon entering the kitchen, my entire focus was on finding the coffee. There was no other course of action. I saw Max and Dr. Song both sitting at a table, mugs in front of them. They weren't important. I could see a refrigerator. That wasn't necessary. I could even see a coffee machine on a counter next to the sink. But I did not care for it. All I wanted was in a full, slightly steaming mug of ambrosia sitting there, ready for the one true king to claim it.

Gingerly, I picked up the treasure, absorbing its beautiful glow from the reflection of the lights.

I must savor this moment of victory! I thought, before saying screw it and downing a gulp of the BURNING HOT LIQUID OF MOLTEN LAVA!

OWWW FUCK SHIT OWW DAMNIT THAT'S AS FUCKING HOT AS MOTHERFUCKING BALLSACS OF LIQUID METAL! I nearly dropped the mug as I did the ceremonial DANCE OF PAIN that is known to all living things that require coffee. I could hear laughing, and as soon as my tastebuds could recover I set down the mug and glared at the offenders. Mark was on the floor, laughing his ass off while Twilight was struggling to hold in guffaws (she must have sat down whilst I was distracted). Dr. Song seemed to be laughing uncomfortably, though her eyes betrayed her true emotions.

A pad of paper was slid towards me as I gave the three stooges my best Grumpy Cat expression. I hope you all die and are sent to the most fiery pits of whatever afterlife you believe in I grumbled to myself as I retreated to the library's main room. I had spied a pencil the last time I was here, and I now needed it.

A moment later I returned to the kitchen, prize in hand. I grabbed the paper and wrote three words down, as the laughter finally started dying down.

+HOT..... TOO HOT...+

I passed the paper back to them, which immediately started anther wave of hilarity from the purple pony, while Mark just gave me a funny look. Pointing at the pencil in my hand he pulled out a quill from his tunic and preformed an epic facepalm. I shrugged as he pointed to the pencil and gave me a 'Where did you find that' expression.

Murray facepalmed again, while I went over to the fridge and grabbed some ice cubes, which I promptly plopped into my coffee. Giving it a quick swirl, I decided to test it again, and this time I found it to be a perfect temperature. I took a few more tentative sips, before gulping down a huge mouthful.

By this time, Twilight had finished laughing. Mitch was still facepalming. And Dr. Song was eyeing me with a wary expression. I grabbed the paper and jotted down something quick.

+So... two things. One: Next time, make this coffee about.... 200% darker, and I'm sorry for attacking you.+

Twilight looked up at me after that with a shocked expression. “You want coffee that's darker than this?”

I nodded.

“You're crazy.”

I nodded again.

“... Point taken. As for your apology, I suppose that we did make it seem a bit... suspicious... Though I didn't quite expect the reaction you gave...” By this time all three of my audience was looking at me.

+Yeah... Well, I guess Dr. Song knocked some sense back into me. Nice job there, BTW, but I thought you were some kind of... IDK, I guess I just way over-reacted.

Oh, and my name's Richard. Ulrich's a pseudonym+

Dr. Song eyed the paper while seeming to collect herself. “So its true then... you really are intelligent?”

I nodded.

Dr. Song grabbed her head in her hooves and leaned onto the table.

Meanwhile, Twilight read the paper and looked up at me. “So... Rikard...”
I shook my head at her.
+Ri CH R Duh+
“Alright, Richard,”
I nodded.
“What is BTW and IDK?”

+Just shorthand from my world. We call it 'texting talk' or 'txtng tlk.' It makes it simpler to communicate via textual responses. BTW stands for By The Way, and IDK stands for I Don't Know.+

“Oh MY GOSH! Max never said anything about this! I just realized I have not one, but TWO people from another world! You've got to tell me EVERYTHING about your world! I mean, Max told me a lot, but there must be so much more! How do you even MPPHH MPHH MMMPHHH.... mmphh” Her speech was cut off by Max's (THAT'S his name, right!) hand. I nodded in thanks, and he just smiled.

“That's just a bit creepy there...” Dr. Song said looking at Max's smile. I tilted my head downwards and did a much more evil version of Max's smile. “And of course, you would top it. Why am I always stuck with that type of human?” She sighed. At least she seemed to be accepting my sentience now.

+HEY! I'll have you know I graduated from Smartass university with top marks and a PhD in Sarcasm and a Bachelor’s in Snarky remarks!+

“There's a smartass university where you come from?” Twilight asked in earnest.

Max and I facepalmed at exactly the same time. Twilight didn't seem to notice.

+Yes, it has a campus full of unicorns and rainbows+

“REALLY? Max said that there were no unicorns at all in his home other than in some myths!”

By this time, even Dr. Song was facepalming. Hoofing. Whatever.

+Once again, the efforts of sarcasm are not transferable though a textual medium+

“Wait... You've.... You've been stringing me along this whole time, haven't you?” I nodded. Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Eheh....”

+Yes. Yes I have.+

Max was barely holding in the laughter.

“Shut up, Max!” Twilight said, half-heartedly hitting Max in the arm. I smiled at the two.
+You guys act like a couple+ I wrote down, sticking my tongue out at them. Max reeled a way and made a (fake) big deal about it, pantomiming gagging and denial, but what was interesting was the burning red face of Twilight. Also apparently ponies' fur turned red when they blushed. Anyway, I knew exactly why Twilight was blushing, but I filed t away for use as later ammunition.

A few minutes later the rambunctiousness of our little group died down, and we got ready for a serious conversation. I got another cup of coffee. For a moment, we just sat there, staring at the center of the table. Finally, Dr. Song spoke up.

“So this is really happening. You're actually intelligent, Ulri- I mean.... Richard...”

+Yup... At least, I think I'm intelligent. Jury's still out on that one...+

Dr. Song smiled. “Well, I guess this is an interesting phenomenon. Though I still want to know why your lifethreads are missing the gene in every other sentient being. Well... missing part of he gene at least.”

“You were able to sequence his lifethreads?” Twilight asked, astonished.

“Well, yes. I was at the Canterlot Human Laboratories.”

“The CHL let you use their sequencer?”

I smacked my hand on the table to interrupt the ponies.

+Hold up, what are lifethreads?+

Dr. Song opened her mouth, but Twilight beat her to the punch. “Lifethreads are a series of protien sequences first discovered by Charneigh Darwin Before the Celestial Era. He theorized that all living organisms harbored similar but unique codes upon which their bodily structure was based, and that these codes mixed to form the many similar, but differing, genes that are expressed by living organisms. His theories weren't proven until year 100 of the Celestial Era, during which an anonymous thaumatogical scientist invented a spell which allowed any unicorn to delve into the genomes of any living organism, even from just a small sample.

The difference was that Charneigh theorized that there was only one master set hidden inside a creatures brain, while the anonymous thaumatologist discovered that each separate cell of an organism held the lifethreads.”

Everyone was silent for a moment. Max looked confused, while Dr. Song was just a bit miffed about being cut off. Thankfully, I had been able to follow along and realized what Twilight was talking about.

+So, you mean DNA?+

“Uhh... DNA?”

+Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid+

Twilight pedaled back in alarm. “NO No no... No... There's no acid in a pony's body, at least, not like that! I mean, there's stomach acid, but...”

Myself and Max both facepalmed.

+No, DNA is called acid because it is a.... You know, I'm not actually sure why its called an acid.... Whatever the case, it's not an acid like HCl. It's just called acid.+

"Do continue." Twilight said, waving her hoof in a circle while pulling up a quill and some paper ready to write. Even Dr. Song looked interested.

+Well, in the nucleus of each cell of the human body, there are 23 chromsome pairs, 46 chromosomes in all, and-+

“Wait.” Twilight interrupted my writing, “23 pairs of chromosomes? That can't be right. Humans only have 24 total chromosomes!”

“She's right.” Affirmed Dr. Song.

I gave them both my best “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” looks.

+Two things. ONE I KNOW how many chromosomes I have. Two, How the hell did you sequence my DNA without knowing how many chromosomes I had?+

“Well,” Dr. Song answered, “we don't actually look for the chromosomes, in fact the thaumitologist who devised the spell, as Twilight was saying, didn't even know that chromosomes existed. I literally just looked at the sequences of your lifethreads, and I only searched for specific genes.”

+That... makes a lot more sense than it should. Anyway, as I was saying, each chromosome contains miles of highly condensed strands of DNA, which are further condensed by their double-helix nature. I think they contain two oxygen atoms, a ribose, and a nucleic acid, hence the name. There are four types of nucleic acid, which are...+

I trailed off. I actually couldn't remember. Come on high-school biology, don't fail me now!

“Which are...” Twilight said impatiently. I held up a finger for one moment.

+I think its... Adenine, Glycose? No.... G-something, Cytosine and...+

I couldn't remember the last one.... It was.... uh I smashed my head into my hands. Trying to think... Oh, right!

+and Thymine. They fit together in a specific pattern, A-T and G-C, and never formed bonds with another type of nucleic acid. Therefore if one side of the helix had A, the other side was T, and if one side was C the other was G and so forth.

This base-four style of coding is what enables such complex features in a 3D organism.+

Max scratched his head as he looked at what I wrote.

+Wow. You paid attention in bio?+ He wrote out to me. I gave him a deadpan look and turned back to Twilight, who seemed to be pondering something, along with Dr. Song.

“This.... This is actually very helpful.” Twilight spoke up finally. “We never actually knew what lifethreads looked like, in fact it was only theorized that they were thread-like in shape.... Now that we know this, we can make so many advances. Maybe even genetic modification on living hosts! You must tell me more!”

+Yeah.... Maybe later...+ I did not like the manic look in her eyes. +Anyway, Dr. Song, you were saying something about a missing gene?+

“Oh, right...” Dr. Song said. “Oh, and just call me Melody or Mel for short. I may be a Doctor, but I didn't go to school just to have the title. Anyway, in every living sentient creature to date, there has always been a key genetic signature in it's lifethreads. It was always the same, and only ever found in sentient creatures. In fact, it was used as a test for sentience for about a hundred years after it's discovery, though Celestia intervened and abolished the practice after a griffon who refused to get tested was forced to live as a circus animal without talking for a number of years. Even to this day they talk about how that field is still burning from her rage.”

I gave Dr. Song a weird look.

“Hey, it was a peat field, and besides, I'm kind of a history nut when it comes to medical things. Anyway, the point is you are missing a key aspect of that gene, one that us medical professionals have theorized is the 'magic gene' that is responsible for the great expansion of the magical 'tank,' if you will, of said creature.”

+Magical.... tank?+

“I've got this one.” Twilight said before Dr. Song had a chance. “Every living being in the known world has a unique signature more than just their lifethreads. It's a magical signature, and it is created the moment independent life is gifted to the organism. Even the planet has it's own vast signature. This 'signature' is often referred to as a magical reservoir, or 'tank.' However, the size of this reservoir varies from creature to creature. The planet and this plane of reality have the largest known reservoir ever, and it makes sense since all magical energy comes from those two things. Then comes true alicorns and the elder gods, those who were born when this world came to be. Princesses Celestia and Luna are the only known surviving alicorns from that time, and Princess Cadence and myself were recently 'ascended' to alicornship. Discord, the god of Chaos, is the only known elder god left in this world. All others either became part of the fabric of reality or moved on to a higher plane of existence. Or so we're told.

"Next comes sentient beings, which includes ponies, zebra, griffons, dragons, and minotaurs, although there are also many more. This is where the bulk of magical power in organisms is held mainly due to the size of the population coupled with the massive gulf between the size of their reservoirs and the size of animals'. Sentient beings also use their magic the most, be it in strength, like the Earth Ponies and Minotaurs, Flight, like the Griffons, Pegasi or Dragons, intelligence (sometimes referred to as shamanism, although it's a misnomer to describe those who understand the world better than others) like the Dragons or Zebras, or in the application of thaumitological energy, which is mainly the unicorn's domain.

"Then comes animals, which have a significantly reduced magical reservoir. They also use their magic, although guided only by instinct. Finally comes plants and microorganisms, which were only recently discovered, which only use their magic to grow at an increased pace or to maintain their own internal homeostasis with their current size.”

Once again we were all rendered speechless(metaphorically in mine and Max's case). Finally, Max made a move.

+This is all fine and dandy, but let's get back to the original reason we are here. Where are you from, Richard, and how did you get to Ponyville?+

I had to think for a moment before answering.

+It was long ago, in a galaxy far, far-+ Max grabbed my pencil.

+Don't. It's not worth it. Besides, I already tried that one.+

I sighed.

Well, it's still a long story...

For the rest of the day, and quite a while into the night we talked. I told them my story, Max told me his. Twilight was most interested in the logistics and reasons behind the SCA. She also asked if maybe my involvement in Heavy Fighting is what caused my aggressive and instinctual outburst earlier. I just shook my head at that. Seeing that she had insulted me, she was quick to apologize. I just waved it off, partially because her next question was what my shield was. Apparently, the ponies' idea of a shield is either a ceremonial crest or a large magical bubble. Though it does make sense since a standard shield would be unusable by quadrupeds. Melody wanted to know more about me and my personal life, likes, interests and all that. Max just wanted to see me in my armor. Something about it being 'Fucking Awesome Sounding.'

After my story, we got into the nitty gritty of what to do from then on. A few of the ideas involved either me or Max living together at either Dr. Song's or Twilight's house. In the end, it was decided that Max and I would spend the next few weeks on various 'play-dates,' during which I was to be taught hoof-language by Twilight and Max, and that we would put our collective heads together to find a way home. Until then, Melody decided to give me the guest room in her house, as well as anything else I might need. She felt bad about the whole experimentation thing. Finally we drank the last of the coffee, wrote the last of the necessary information, talked the last of the discussion, and lost over half of a pencil into a sharpener. It was a good night.

As we were preparing to leave, however, Twilight offered to let us stay at the library since it was so late. Melody accepted. What followed next was what could only be described as a bid between Twilight and Melody as to who would give up their sleeping spot the most. At one point both of them would have been sleeping on Max's pillow while Max and I were in Twilight's bed.

In the end, Max and I stepped in and offered a solution. Max wanted his pillow, I would sleep in his bed in the basement, Dr. Song would get the couch, and Twilight would sleep in her bed. That way it would be the least suspicious if someone wandered in.

With everything said and done, we all retired to our separate sleeping areas. I fell upon the magnificent bed in the basement, melting into the softness of the mattress. I had been sleeping on what amounted to a rock for the past few weeks, and, while I'm generally used to that what with all my camping, it was good to be back in a real bed.

It's too bad I had all that coffee... Not even a bed this comfortable couldZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz...