There was no party like a Blueblood party. Like, it was the most boring thing you could ever experience. Usually ponies thought that being a bachelor with such a... fame, Blueblood would be a wild animal once the moon raised. Loud music, beautiful mares, dancing, singing, alcohol -a party like you have never seen! The hangover would last for weeks!

But sadly, Blueblood was not only an idiot. He was a boring idiot. He liked quiet, calmed talks with nobleponies. He liked classical music. He liked to remain as classy as possible all the time. So his parties were like a cheap knock-off of the Grand Galloping Gala, only without the Princesses (they were too busy that time of the year -besides, it was common knowledge that they didn’t really like their nephew) and thus, absolutely zero good things.

But you couldn’t just present your excuses and spend the night in a bar or something funnier. Blueblood was royalty, after all. So for a lot of nobleponies, Blueblood’s birthday was just another opportunity to spend a whole night in a quiet room, talking about something more or less interesting with ponies you didn’t really like, trying to fight boredom.

The possibility of something interesting happening in a party hosted by Blueblood was so little nopony believed it even existed. So, when word spread about a seemingly psychopathic, always-smiling orange mare in the third floor, the news were welcomed like you would welcome a hot cup of tea and a blanket in the middle of a blizzard.

“So she just stands there and stares at the door?” asked Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pant’s beloved. It was unusual to see her without her fiancé, but the white stallion had called sick. Lucky for him -only very important ponies could insult Blueblood that way. “That’s everything she does?”

“Yes.” Star Gazer, a gray pony with a telescope cutie mark shook his head. “But, believe me, it’s more than you think. The way she stares is...” He shivered. “Unbelievable.”

“She stares into your soul,” added a pink mare named Royal Ribbon. She was, as always, wearing a saddle that covered her flank. She never took off that saddle. Rumors said she slept with that thing on. As a result, absolutely nopony knew what her cutie mark was -there were some bets about it, the most popular option being that she had a saddle as her cutie mark. The second most popular option was that her cutie mark was a saddle hidden by a saddle. Imagination wasn’t the forte of Canterlot nobility -it might had something to do with their tradition of marrying their own cousins. “Her pupils, gaze into... your soul, and read your... your soul!”

“Yes, exactly! You feel like, a shiver deep inside... almost as if...” Gazer’s voice became an ominous whisper. “Almost as if she could, I don’t know, stare into your soul.

“What a soulful mare,” said Fleur de Lis, rolling her eyes. Both Star Gazer and Royal Ribbon nodded, not aware of the sarcasm. Fleur didn’t like to think she was always surrounded by idiots, but for Luna’s mighty gonads, she was always surrounded by idiots.

And then a voice interrupted their talk. “She’s no good mare, I can tell!”

They were in the second floor of the mansion -which meant, of course, that they were in the dance hall of the second floor. Every floor of that mansion had a dance hall, which was as weird as can be, but Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal. The dance hall was, of course, filled with ponies, as that was a party after all. And ponies liked to talk to each other. Yet, interrupting a conversation like that, without introducing yourself or at least waiting for the pony who’s talking to turn around and face you, was incredibly rude. Fleur frowned a little while turning around, annoyed by the fact that, seemingly, if she wasn’t with Fancy Pants the nobleponies just didn’t respect her.

And then she saw who was talking and sighed. But of course: Jet Set and Upper Crust. Two unicorns, both with a sweater and a shirt draped on their backs and knotted at the front of their necks. They were husband and wife, Fleur believed. Or just a couple. Or maybe friends? As far as she knew, they could even be siblings (which now that she thought about it, didn’t have to mean that they weren’t married. Canterlot’s traditions were weird after all). Hell, Fleur didn’t even know who was Jet Set and who was Upper Crust. For her, they were just one pony. Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust.

“I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t know how to behave. Such smile. Where does she think she is? This is a place of proper ponies!”

They even had the same weird accent. Fleur was sure they faked it. Either that or they just didn’t know how to talk without biting their tongue. She was sure that, hadn’t she been looking at them, she couldn’t have tell who had talked. It’d been the mare. “Well, a smile can’t be so bad,” Fleur said in the most polite way possible. “Does anypony even know who she is? An orange mare...”

“Well, I think it’s Cheating Bastard’s beloved,” said the stallion half of Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust. “I’m sure that when he arrives he’s going to suffer her stare too, or maybe he’ll go and talk with her.”

“What a horrible torture,” Fleur said. “I’m sure he will survive though.”

The ponies just looked at her, confused. Fleur sighed. That was the reason she didn’t like to talk. Usually she left Fancy Pants say as much as he pleased for both of them, and she just nodded and tried to look pretty. Not the most dignified of activities, but it was either do that or try to talk with nobleponies. She found more enjoyable the act of hitting her head against a wall multiple times. “I mean, it’s not like two eyes can be a weapon. Nopony has slayed a dragon with a stare.”

“Well, of course,” said Star Gazer. “But you haven’t seen her, Madame De Lis. She’s just... it feels like she’s-”

“Staring into your soul?”

“Exactly!”

Fleur sighed. The night was going to be a long one.

***

Vinyl assured Turner that he shouldn’t worry about how to seduce the gay guard. She was the same as always, so she teased him as much as she could, but the mare was also grateful for Turner’s help, so she gave him some advice.

“Just talk to him like normal and try to make him laugh,” she had said. “And make sure he gets you’re interested in him. It shouldn’t be so hard, because you’re obviously walking down there to talk with him, and his friend just got lucky with Tavi, so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to add two plus two.”

“Uh-uh.” Turner felt his voice trembling. “I-if you say so.”

“Don’t be so nervous, I’m sure nothing’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll make out a little, and that’s it.”

“Yeah sure.” Turner gulped. “That definitely makes me more comfortable, Vinyl. Are you sure you don’t want to keep talking about Octavia? I mean, she’s right now doing who-knows-what with the other guard in the woods, so maybe you...”

“Turner, stop being a little whiner and go downstairs.”

And so, Time Turner gulped again, kicked the ground to show his frustration, took a deep breath and walked downstairs, trying to look confident. He was sweating, but that shouldn’t be too bad -a sweating mare could be very sexy, so maybe a sweating stallion was more or less the same.

What followed was one of those few scenes that made you feel sad because no poet was near enough to hear them and compose a beautiful aria about it. The way the stars dance in the sky was nothing compared to the grace and class of that scene.

Turner tried to look casual yet seducing. Octavia always acted that way, and he was sure he could do it. His friend wiggled her hips in a certain way while walking and looked straight into your eyes -the result was amazing, as you always felt like she was flirting with you even when she was just asking what time it was. He tried to do that, an insecure smile in her face instead of the cocky grin Octavia liked so much. Then he started humming, adding some points to his ‘casual’ look.

He tripped.

Luckily for him, he didn’t roll all the way down -he just fell. Once his face met the floor he left out a cry of pain that was certainly not sexy enough for the act, so he immediately tried to turn it into a sensual moaning, like the ones Octavia did when she said her front legs hurt after playing her cello for hours.

The result was something among the lines of “AUCHhggmmmmmmmmmmnnnnh~?”

Then he tried to stand up in a classy way, again imitating Octavia. She always did it slowly, with her head facing the ground just a little longer than it should, so she could raise her face and make her mane float in the wind right in time to look you straight into your eyes.

He was nervous, so he tried to hum again, got up too fast, hurt his neck while trying to float his nonexistent long mane and then tripped again.

This time he couldn’t get his balance so he fell downstairs.

And rolled all the way down till he ended up at the guard’s hooves.

While moaning and humming sensually all the time.

Meanwhile, the guard, who was named Oregon Tail and had a steady boyfriend waiting for him back in his house, wondered what the hell was wrong with that pony who moved like a puppet without strings. Then he rolled down to his hooves while yelling some kind of yodel song and stood there, sweating and breathing heavily.

Turner then got up. He stopped moaning because something inside his mind told him that it was a little too ridiculous to work, and tried to do again that thing with the neck Octavia always did. And then he looked straight into the guard’s eyes.

Except for the fact that he had hurt his neck like ten seconds ago, so his neck made a cracking sound and he yelped again in pain. This time he didn’t moan: he just gasped and yelped a little. Then some sweat drops fell into his eyes. It hurt, and he was using his hoof to rub his neck, so he tried to blink to ease the pain. As a result, his eyes filled with tears.

Then he realized he hadn’t even introduced himself, so he tried to fix that mistake as soon as possible. “HELLO! HOW’S BEEN THE NIGHT?!” he screamed.

Meanwhile, Oregon Tail wondered what the hell was happening and why was the stallion in front of him dancing and being angrily polite to him. Maybe he had some kind of mental problem.

Turner realized that he had talked way louder than expected, so he cleared his throat with a cough, wiped out the tears in his eyes and mentally slapped himself. Focus, Turner! he thought. What had Vinyl said? ‘Try to make him laugh’. It couldn’t be so difficult.

“So, uh.” He gulped. His mind was blank. All his life telling jokes, and the moment he needed one, he had nothing. “Uh... my neck hurts.”

He stared at the guard, who said nothing. In fact, the hulky pony was looking at him in a very weird way. So Turner tried again. “Uh, one of my greatest hits, right?”

Meanwhile, Oregon Tail thought that, yes, that stallion had some kind of mental problem. “You okay, buddy?” he said, using his most polite tone. “That sure was a good fall. You bad hurt?”

“Uh, only in my pride.” Turner tried a weak smile. Well, the laughing part hadn’t worked. Vinyl had also said something about paying attention, so he tried to look right into the guard’s eyes. But it was very hard, so he decided to look into the space between the guard’s eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t notice. Then he noticed his tears were still there and he hadn’t wiped them, so he did.

Something happened behind the door. Turner could hear what sounded like an... explosion? And some screams. Alarms went wild in his head -what in the name of Luna were those ponies doing? The guard frowned and looked in the mansion’s direction. The noises hadn’t been very loud, so not everything was lost. Turner believed he could still call the guard’s attention and make him forget everything else.

So he cleared his throat with a cough to make him look in his direction, stared at the space between the guard’s eyes again and put on his best sexy smile. You need to be funny, Turner, he thought. Pay attention and be funny. “And, uh, why did the chicken cross the road?”

Silence.

“T-to get to the other side!” His sexy smile faded when he realized what was he saying. “And, um, the joke is that there’s a double meaning, you see? Because the chicken crosses the road to get to the other side, but ‘the other side’ can be seen as ‘the other side of life’, like in ‘the Afterlife’, because the chicken is committing suicide by crossing the road and...”

His words died in his mouth. Fuck, that had been horrible, but at least now the pony was looking at him and not at the door. Desperate, Turner wiggled his hips a little just to add something to the whole image.

Meanwhile, Oregon Tail had been convinced the brown stallion had escaped from a mental institution. For sure the best thing for him would be to go back there before he hurt himself. Sadly, Steel Bar had been stupid enough to go to the woods with that mare Octavia, and he couldn’t just leave the door alone. Of course, nopony was going to break into Blueblood’s party, but it was his job. And those explosions were weird. Maybe he should go investigate...

Then he saw the stallion was, judging by the way he wiggled his butt and crossing his legs, holding his urge to pee.

“Okay, here is where I draw the line,” Oregon said. “Come with me buddy, I’ll get you to a better place in no time.”

The other stallion froze. Oregon frowned. Had he scared the poor guy? The last thing he wanted to deal with was with some terrified pony hurting himself. “Hey, don’t worry,” Oregon said. “I’ll be gentle with you, okay? I won’t hurt you at all.”

And then the other stallion started to scream and ran into the woods.

Oregon facehoofed. “Oh for fuck’s sake. You!” he yelled, running after the pony. “You, come here! You shouldn’t be alone here! I can take you to a more comfortable place, don’t be scared of me! I’m one of the good guys!”

***

Bon Bon, Lyra and Derpy had been playing tic-tac-toe for what seemed hours when Vinyl’s voice finally came through the communicator. “Girls, do it now! The guard is distracted!”

“Ah?” Derpy raised her head, a huge grin in her face. “Is he seducing the guard already?”

Silence.

“Eh, he’s trying,” said the DJ. “It doesn’t matter, you gotta be fast!”

Derpy frowned at those words, but said nothing. By her side, Lyra and Bon Bon got up and prepared the drugs.

The plan was easy. Bon Bon took the sack with the biggest amount of mixed herbs and tossed it in the front garden, Derpy hold a smallest part with her hooves and tossed it in the second floor and Lyra used her levitation spell to put the drugs into the first floor. There were a lot of drugs, so they were sure the effects would be seen in no time.

Once each one of them was holding her part, Lyra closed her eyes, her horn glittered and a little spark appeared in the center of each one. Without saying a word, Bon Bon ran to the front door with the sack in her mouth, and Derpy flied as fast as possible to the open window she had seen before.

The reason why they were running was simple: knowing that you’re holding enough drugs to stone an entire party wasn’t exactly a comfortably thought. Unconsciously, the three of them saw the herbs as a bomb, something they had to throw away soon.

And, who would have guessed, they were right.

If Vinyl or Turner had been more interested in the drug world they would have known that some ponies had indeed tried to smoke FTS before. But the leaves were sniffed because that plant had an unusual way to deal with extreme heat. For some reason, evolution had decided that the FTS had to produce an orange liquid when in contact with the fire.

An orange liquid that was highly flammable, that’s it. Evolution can be a bitch sometimes.

And of course, it’s easy not to breathe the smoke that a pile of burning herbs you’re holding makes when the fire is starting. But if the herbs suddenly explode, it’s a little more difficult to do so. Bon Bon’s sack was so filled with FTS that the thing exploded too soon for her to throw it away –but luckily for her, the sack did a very good job on holding the smoke, so she could throw the thing before breathing anything, although it scared the shit out of her.

The thing exploded again in mid air.

Lyra’s bit was a little smaller, so it didn’t explode until she was already throwing it through the window. She was also lucky enough to avoid getting any smoke on her lungs.

But Derpy had no sack or magic to hold the drugs –she was carrying them on her hooves, which incidentally happened to be right under her nose, because that’s where hooves usually are. The thing exploded right in her face, and she certainly took a deep breath. How exactly did she manage to throw that thing inside the mansion through the window when it had already exploded would remain as a mystery for the ages. Once that thing got in, it exploded a second time.

And a third time.

And then once more because why not.

In less than fifteen seconds, the front garden and the first two floors were completely filled with a white and dense smoke, because an explosive drug does a marvelous job at delivering smoke to every single corner of the room.

And, as the smoke was a mix between five different drugs plus one flammable plant, everypony was stoned out of his mind in less than twenty seconds. Soon every noble wondered why were they screaming and looking at their hooves, marveled at the fact that they were so huge. A couple stallions suddenly realized they were hungry. A mare decided that kissing with her sister-in-law was suddenly a good idea.

Meanwhile, a good-looking white stallion named Cheating Bastard arrived at the main door, wondering why there was no guard and what was that weird white smoke in the mansion.

***

Carrot’s smirk faded for the first time in the whole night, and all the ponies in the floor relaxed visibly. The fact that they were happy to see that smirk replaced by a bunch of random explosions said a lot about Carrot’s face.

Of course, a couple seconds later the nobleponies realized that a bunch of random explosions, even being better than the psychopathic smile, were in fact not a good thing. There were a couple screams too, but they soon stopped, as well as the explosions.

The nobleponies didn’t know what to do. They just stood there, unsure. Was something dangerous down their hooves? Had something bad happened? Nopony in that room screamed, and that was a good thing, right? But what to do?

Then Carrot took the lead and went to the stairs. Because she wasn’t a stupid pony, so she knew that, somehow, the explosions had something to do with her. Or with her friends. Yeah, that sounded way more probable. It’s not like the gang used to blow up stuff, but if something weird happened around her you could bet your right hoof that Derpy and friends would have something to do with it. What were they doing in the party, she didn’t know.

Of course, when you hear something exploding in the building you’re in, running to the main source of the explosions just to be sure what is happening is not the best choice you could make. One could say it was a stupid decision, but Carrot Top wasn’t a stupid pony: she was just a little hot-headed. Once she went downstairs she had exactly four seconds of wondering what was the deal with that white smoke before being too high to actually care.

And the nobleponies followed her without thinking, because, after all, that’s what nobleponies do all the time. They follow the lead, go with the new trend without thinking too much about what’s happening. And if the new trend was entering that place with so much smoke looking for explosions, well. No pain, no gain, they say.

And of course, they got stoned too. Not as much because of the smoke as for the social pressure. When every important pony in the party -be it Fleur de Lis, be it Royal Ribbon, be it Blueblood himself- is stoned out of his mind, you just can’t afford not being hopped-up if you still want to be a part of high society.

Carrot Top realized this when she turned around and saw that thirty nobleponies were looking at her with goofy, bloodshot eyes. The thought came wild and powerful. Those ponies would do whatever she wanted them to do. She was their leader now.

“Yes,” mumbled Carrot, fighting against the sleepiness with a wild smile. “This is going to be funny!”

***

When you were lost in the middle of the woods that surrounded Blueblood’s place, you wouldn't believe you were in the biggest city in all of Equestria. Perhaps it was because after all the Prince was, well, a Prince, or perhaps it was because Canterlot’s architecture was as weird as a centipede in rollerblades, but Octavia thought the place where she was right now felt just like the forest near the village where she had been raised. She felt one with nature once again, and that was odd.

She would have said something about it, but her lips were busy pressing against Steel Bar’s. The guard seemed extremely happy right then, and being honest, Octavia also felt optimistic. They had been kissing for long minutes by now, and it was clear that he wanted something more -but of course, Octavia wasn’t going to sleep with him just like that. Not in the woods, at least. They weren’t wild animals.

She had her eyes closed, her mind lost in the kiss, when suddenly...

“Um, Tavi? You there?” Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator, startling her. Octavia moaned as an answer (not that she could do anything else). “Oh, yeah, and I see you’re busy. Eh, nevermind I’ll just...”

There was something off in the way Vinyl had said those words. Octavia rolled her eyes, and would have sighed if she hadn’t been so busy kissing Steel Bar. With a groan, she broke the kiss and looked into the stallion’s eyes. “Hey,” she said, softly. “Wait a minute there, darling.”

“Uh?”

“You’re talking to me?” Vinyl asked. “Wait, no, you’re with the guard. Anyway, uh, I see you’re doing good, so...”

“Steel...?” She put her hooves behind his neck and hugged him in the sexiest way possible. Slowly, she muzzled his ear, his face lost in Octavia’s mane.

“Hmmmm?”

“Catch me,” she whispered.

And then she broke the hug and trotted away surprisingly fast (because, as everypony knew, trotting fast is sexier than running) while giggling in a girly fashion. Giggling in such a way without sounding stupid was an art on its own, and Octavia was the best at it. Steel Bar stood there, dumbfounded, for a couple seconds, and then he chuckled and ran after her.

Octavia had discovered long ago the secret that lived inside every stallion’s heart. They were both extremely stupid and extremely romantic. In fact, she had the theory that they were so stupid because they were so romantic, and they were so romantic only because they were too stupid not to be so. Of course, they also were too idiotic to actually realize they were dreamers, so they didn’t even realize they were romantic. It was like a perfect circle of idiocy and cheesy pickup lines.

Of course, there were some exceptions to the rule. There were some that had absolutely zero poetry deep inside, but Octavia didn’t get near those ponies. They were the kind of stallions that saw mares as little more than a way to pass a good few minutes before throwing them away. Few things were as dangerous as an imbecile who’s not a dreamer.

Steel Bar wasn’t one of those ponies. He had tasted the sweetness in Octavia’s lips, and now she was running in front of him, light as a feather, fast as gazelle, dancing between the trees. Her mane and tail floated in the wind, her laughter was fresh as a river in summer and sometimes she looked back and winked at her.

Even though he didn’t know it, Steel Bar was seeing Octavia as a fairy, an illusion, a spirit. A force of nature. Something to behold and run after, something to laugh with, to love, to protect. He chased her for the pure pleasure of chasing, forgetting everything that surrounded him.

Steel Bar was, long story short, an idiot. Just like every stallion in existence, thought Octavia.

Between fresh-like-a-river-in-summer laughter and teasing-yet-loving wink, she answered Vinyl. It wasn’t as difficult as it sounded, mostly because Octavia had played the fairy/gazelle/whatever role endless times -Steel Bar wasn’t the first pony falling for this, and he surely wouldn’t be the last. “Vinyl, I can talk now. What’s happening?”

“What the...?” The DJ’s voice sounded confused. “Are you running? Tavi, you’re supposed to distract the guard! You can’t just...!”

“He’s after me, it’s all part of the plan. And I’m not running, that’s unsexy.” She turned around and wiggled her tail a little. Steel Bar was very close to her, but you just didn’t catch a pony that had been raised in the woods like that. She zigzagged between the trees, and soon the guard was pretty far away. “Also, believe me, this stallion is easier to play than my cello.”

“Oh.”

“What’s happening, Vinyl? You’ve been acting weird lately,” Octavia said. “This is the second time you interrupt me, and you sound weird.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Like, you sound actually worried about something.” Octavia turned around. Good, Steel Bar was still a few meters behind. “You’re too stupid to be worried about something that’s not hugely important.”

“We could talk about this later, it’s not so...”

“You were the one interrupting me when I couldn’t talk, so I would take that sentence as the idiocy it is.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “Look, you obviously want to tell me something right now, so just say it.”

“Um. Well, I... I...” she gulped “I talked with Derpy, you see?”

“And?”

An awkward pause. When Vinyl talked again, she sounded like smiling, but there was something odd in that voice. “Oh, nothing, she just told me you two had a little divertimento together, and I was actually surprised! Heh, who would have guessed? Although, I guess I can’t blame you. Derpy is pretty cute.”

Octavia’s eyes opened wide. A cold feeling appeared in her chest, and she could feel her smile fading. A quick look behind her revealed that Steel was approaching her again. She bit her lip.

She really didn’t want to be running while having that conversation. In fact, she didn’t want to have that conversation, period. But There was no way to avoid it now. “Vinyl, I can...”

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I’m angry or something.” Vinyl laughed. “It’s just that, well, you know. I think I can understand your train of thoughts...”

Definitely, no way to avoid the conversation now that it was heading that particular path. Octavia gulped and felt the nervousness become almost solid in her stomach. “Hold on,” she whispered, “I need to hide.”

“Hide?”

“Hide.”

And so she did. There’s this particular understanding of how the woods work you get when you’re raised in them, and Octavia sure had spent entire days in forests. Besides, it was dark and her entire body was grey -hiding in plain sight was not easy, it was foal’s play. A simple turn, a little effort in her legs and next thing Steel Bar knew, he was completely alone in the forest. Octavia, hunkering down behind a bush, could see him stopping and looking for her, still dumbfounded. Celestia, stallions were idiots sometimes.

Octavia sighed. “Vinyl,” she said, “I can explain, really. I didn’t do anything with Derpy, okay? It was just fooling around, I promise it’s not anything worth mentioning.” She bit her lip. Damn, that had sounded badly. “I mean, it’s not like I go with mares all the time, okay? It’s more like, uh, I...”

“You were just afraid of ponies saying you, well, saying that you are a slut or something,” interrupted Vinyl. “And don’t worry, I can totally accept that! Like, I can see why didn’t you tell me and instead went to Derpy.”

***

Vinyl had disconnected every conversation but the one she was having with Octavia. She was grinning, or at least trying to. The DJ could feel a heavy weight in her stomach, and she guessed it meant she was nervous or something. But, what to say? She was horrible with words, yet desperately wanted to have this conversation.

Damn it, dealing with friends was hard.

“Well, no, I can’t understand why did you go to Derpy. I mean, I didn’t know she liked mares.” Vinyl gulped. “Although, who doesn’t right?”

“Vinyl...”

“But, you know.” The DJ bit her lip and looked at the ground. She felt something that resembled pain in her voice. “You should’ve talked with me.”

“Vinyl, it’s complicated, okay? I just...”

“Oh, I know what happened!” Vinyl forced a laugh. “It’s just that you didn’t want to take it seriously, right? Like, just fooling around.” She felt a bitter taste in her mouth. “Like always.”

Silence fell between them for a couple seconds. When Octavia talked, she had a sharp tone. “Would you mind repeating that, Vinyl?”

“Anyway,” she said, ignoring her friend, “it’s not like I would have taken anything seriously. I mean, I would’ve liked you to actually told me that you fancied mares too, and I, eh, would...” She shook her head. “I don’t know, we could have ended the night doing what you did to Derpy because, well, we’re talking about you here, and I swear it would have meant absolutely nothing for me, okay? That’s what... that’s all I wanted to say.”

Silence again. And then, Vinyl thought of what she had actually said.

“Aw shit, Tavi, I meant that...!”

“Vinyl,” interrupted Octavia, “fuck you.”

And then a weird noise came from the communicator and the signal died.

***

The white smoke was pretty dense, so inside the house every room felt like a swamp in a horror film. In the garden, on the other hoof, you could see everything. And “everything” meant mostly stoned nobleponies, statues, tables with food and two ponies looking at the show that had unfolded in front of them from the woods, out of reach from the smoke. They had inhaled a little, so they felt a little dizzy, but not dizzy enough to be really stoned.

Bon Bon wasn’t really sure about what to think of their plan. On the one hoof, it had worked. On the other hoof, it had worked a little too well and she had the feeling that it wasn’t as good as it sounded. The explosive sack had been fucking scary, and now the nobles were… well.

“So… Did you know this was going to happen?” Lyra asked absent-mindedly while staring at two stallions that were bumping into each other head-first. “Because holy shit, I think that it’d been less than two minutes and this is already a crazy party.”

Bon Bon shrugged. “Yeah, of course I knew. You see, I’m a specialist on-”

“Yeah so this is pretty weird. I don’t really know what to do right now.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Yo Derpy. You there?”

“You don’t know what to do right now.” Bon Bon looked at her. “You’re implying that usually you do know what you’re doing? Don’t make me laugh.”

Derpy didn’t answer.

“Vinyl? Turner?”

No answer either.

“Ok, so we’re alone.” Bon Bon looked at the mansion again. The two stallions were lying on the ground. Almost everypony was just sitting and laughing and doing something silly. It would have been boring if it hadn’t been for the fact that they were nobleponies. Like, Bon Bon could see their fancy dresses and stuff, and it was just bizarre. Seeing a dude who obviously was a duke or something licking the ground was not a thing you’d see every day. “And that’s a very bad thing. I say we should go in there head-first and breathe as much smoke as possible while doing something idiotic and completely forgetting that our main goal is to rescue Carrot Top. Also we can end up hurting some noble while we’re at it. Like, kicking somepony through a window or something. I’m sure that would be a good plan.”

Lyra looked at her. “And now you’re trying to out-sarcasm me even though I didn’t say a word?”

“You obviously want to go in there and do something stupid.”

“You’re insulting me again. I don’t know if you remember what happened last time you did so.”

“Yeah.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow at her. “You kicked me and then came after me like a lost puppy because I wasn’t talking. What a cute fucking psychopath are you. Want a cookie?”

“You really want trouble, don’t you?”

“Go to hell.” Bon Bon sighed and looked at the garden. She wanted to go home as soon as possible, but the night had been incredibly long already and she had the feeling that it was going to be a while until the end. “This sucks.”

“What was exactly the plan, once again?”

“We drug them, and once they’re stoned we go in there and rescue Carrot Top.”

“A-ha.” Lyra nodded. “But we can’t go in there.”

“No, because we would get stoned too. And that’s such a good thing that I think you should go first and I can look at you from here and throw a rock at you or something while you’re defenseless. I bet that would be funny.” Bon Bon frowned. “So we’re stuck here watching this assholes laugh their asses off. This could only get better if Vinyl started screaming at us again.”

“You really didn’t think this out very well.” Lyra looked at her side and her horn started to glow. Bon Bon looked at her while she levitated a rock. “You’re an idiot.”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying your plan B.”

“I don’t have any plan B.”

Lyra smirked with that smirk of hers that make water turn into ice. It was her warmer smile, Bon Bon thought. “Watch me,” the unicorn said.

And then she threw that rock. The earth pony yelped in surprise as she saw that thing flying through the garden and hitting the earth-licking stallion right in the forehead. He fell to the ground at the impact, and then started yelling like a madpony while caressing his forehead, still on the ground.

“Woah.” Lyra blinked. “He’s freaking out.”

“You threw a rock at him!”

“Yeah well it was your idea.” Lyra levitated another rock and threw it again, this time hitting a mare. She also started screaming. Some of the ponies that were close to her looked at her with bewildered faces. “She’s also freaking out,” Lyra said.

“No shit, really?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “I hadn’t noticed. I thought that screaming like that was normal, y’see. I’m pretty sure that the drugs have absolutely nothing to do with it.” While she talked, Lyra levitated a new rock and threw it again. A third pony started screaming. However, the majority of the ponies in the garden didn’t seem to notice. “Also you can stop now.”

“Why?” Lyra looked at her, still smirking. “It’s funny. They don’t even move! Look at them; they’re so busy looking at their own hooves that they hadn’t noticed I’m throwing shit at them!”

“Uh-huh.” Bon Bon nodded. “So you’re going to keep doing this.”

Another rock went flying, and a new noblepony started screaming. “Eyup. Until I get tired.”

“That’s so incredibly smart and useful that I’m actually impressed.” Bon Bon looked at the screaming ponies. “Also, I love how they don’t move at all when somepony right beside them gets hit. I wonder what would happen if a giant rock fell on them.” She chuckled. “I bet they wouldn’t even flinch.”

“You think?”

“No, I don’t think so. That’s the reason why I was saying that, you see. I like to say things that I don’t mean at a-what are you doing?” Bon Bon huffed at her companion. Lyra’s eyes were gleaming, and she was looking at something in front of them. Bon Bon turned around. “Oh,” she said. “Isn’t that pony Cheating Bastard? Carrot’s ex-coltfriend?”

“Who the hell cares?” Lyra smirked so hard Bon Bon could see her teeth. The earth pony was amazed at the fact that Lyra had no fangs. With such a personality, it was the only thing you would’ve expected. “I’m looking at that.”

Bon Bon turned around again, this time looking at what Lyra was pointing. The Pholotodolphin statue. She blinked. “I said ‘a giant rock’, not ‘a statue’. Also, don’t do that, you can seriously hurt somepony.”

“You said they wouldn’t even flinch; I think they will scream,” said Lyra. Her horn started to glow. “Wanna make a bet?”

***

“Turner, I’ve fucked up! I think Tavi and me have a misunderstanding at the moment, and-!”

“I’M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, VINYL!”

“Oh, come on, I’m sure you can give me a couple minutes at least!”

“I’M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE HERE!”

“So was Tavi, and she talked with me!”

“WELL I’M SORRY I AM NOT OCTAVIA, BUT I HAVE A HORNY GUARD RIGHT BEHIND ME AND HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I REALLY DON’T WANNA SO I CAN’T TALK TO YOU!”

“She was exactly in the same situation!”

Silence.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow. What were the odds? Anyway, as I said I’m kinDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT!”

“Come on, you’re exaggerating!”

But, surprisingly, he was not. Turner was everything but a liar; that was one of his few good traits.

His situation was... complicated, to say the least. Extremely disturbing, to say the most, and a complete hell for Turner to say the truth. As Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal, Turner was running in what seemed a very big forest, as dark as could be, and the hulky guard was right behind him, yelling. What was he yelling, Turner didn’t know and didn’t really want to know.

He was completely concentrated in the race, or rather he had been until Vinyl had started talking. “Look,” she said, “I’ll be fast. I think it’s been my wording, I was a little nervous and what I wanted to say didn’t come out as expected. You see...”

“VINYL FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA, I’M TELLING YOU I’M IN NO SHAPE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW! I’M THE ONE IN NEED OF HELP, IN FACT!”

“Buddy, stop listening to those voices!” The voice of the guard came from behind Turner, and it was way closer than he had imagined it would be. “They are not real, okay?! Just come with me, I’ll take you to a more comfortable place!”

“YEAH THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TOO, THANK YOU!”

“Nonsense, you just don’t know what’s good for you!”

Turner would have laughed if he wasn’t so incredibly terrorized. “AND I GUESS YOU DO, RIGHT?!”

“Just help me help you, buddy! I know I look rough, but I won’t hurt you at all!”

Turner had thought he couldn’t run faster. Turns out he had been wrong -after hearing those words, the trees seemed to fly by.

“You see,” Vinyl continued, ignoring absolutely everything, “I just wanted to say that she could have fooled around with me and I wouldn’t have taken it badly, you know? But I kinda fucked up, and now she’s angry at me and...”

“WHY ARE YOU EVEN TELLING ME THIS?!”

“For crying out loud, because I want to help you!” screamed the guard. “Just stop running!”

“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!”

“Mostly because you’re like the go-to guy for this kind of things I guess,” said Vinyl. “I mean, it’s you or Derpy, because I’m not talking with Lyra about this. She would propose kidnapping Tavi and torturing her until she listens to me or something like that. And you know, when she says things like that I don’t even know if she’s joking.”

“VINYL, I SWEAR TO-!”

He never swore anything to anypony, because Turner’s legs suddenly chose that exact moment to remind him why was he so concentrated in the race a couple seconds ago. Mostly, it was because running through a forest was difficult per se, but running through a forest at night was almost impossible unless you had been conveniently raised in the woods.

Turner was the kind of pony who thought a root was only a mathematical operation. He had once seen a real forest in a picture, That was his most powerful bond with nature.

So his legs got stuck on something he never saw, and next thing he knew the entire world was turning around for some reason, the sky was under him and the ground was above his head...

...and then he hit a tree with his forehead, suddenly stopping his race and making him see little stars and sparkles everywhere. Turner then found  that he was lying on the ground and was completely unable to get up by himself.

The guard stopped and almost tripped too, and looked at him with a neutral face. “Finally. See? You’ve hurt yourself.” He sighed. “Just come with me, and we’ll-”

“YOU’LL DO NOTHING TO HIM!”

Both Turner and the guard looked above, dumbfounded. Turner couldn’t believe her eyes. Flying just above them was Derpy Hooves in all her glory, his face gleaming with a confident smile, looking at him with eyes that said ‘you are safe now’. Turner felt a single tear run down his cheek. He was saved! Derpy could help him somehow! The mare could take him and fly away, and they would be out of reach from that enormous pony who wanted to hump him!

“D-Derpy?” he asked, his voice trembling both because of the happiness and because the back of his neck really hurt. “I-Is that you?”

“Derpy?” Vinyl asked. “Is Derpy there? Hold on, I’ll turn on her communicator too.”

“YOU CAN BET I AM DERPY!” the pegasus yelled, a hoof waving in the air. “AND YOU, GUARD,” she said, turning to the guard, “LET ME TE-!”

Tunk!

She turned around so fast, she hit the tree with her face.

Then she fell to the ground like a dead dove.

Tunk.

And she stayed like that.

Both Turner and the guard stared at her for a couple seconds. Derpy didn’t move.

“Uh. What was that?” asked Vinyl.

“...Derpy got hit by a tree.”

They waited a few more seconds.

Derpy didn’t move.

“Um, Derpy? Can you hear me?” asked Vinyl. “Derpy?”

A full minute.

The grey mare was like a statue.

“What... the... fuck was that?” asked the guard. “I mean, what? Do you know her or something?”

“Uh.” Turner gulped. “Kinda?”

The guard turned at Time Turner and then to Derpy again. “Um, miss? Are you okay?”

No answer.

Another minute of silence.

“Am I the only one who’s starting to freak out?” asked Vinyl.

“You should poke her with a stick,” pointed Turner to the guard. “Or something. I’m starting to get worried.”

“I’ve heard that if you poke her eye and she doesn’t move, then she’s dead,” added Vinyl.

The hulky stallion nodded and approached Derpy, not really knowing what to do. “Um, miss? Are you ok-?”

“OF COURSE I’M OKAY!”

Both Turner and Vinyl and the guard yelped at the sudden yell. Derpy got up with a jump and faced the guard with a dangerous grin in her face. “You thought such a LITTLE THING could get me DOWN?!”

“Um, Derpy?” Turner coughed. “Eh, are you sure you’re...?”

“Sssssshut up, Doc,” she said, her voice sweet as sugar. “And you, guard,” she said then, using a tone so deep it didn’t sound like a mare (or anything from this world, now that we’re at it), “better get the fuck out of here if you don’t want trouble. You hear me, punk?”

Silence.

“Whaaat the fuck?”

“Listen here, you pussy!” She flapped her wings so her face would be in line with the guard’s. Then she turned her body so the guard could see her cutie mark and pointed at it. “Can you see what I have HERE?!”

Silence again. The guard blinked.

“...Bubbles?”

“That’s it!” the mare hissed. “Motherfucking bubbles. And do you know what does that MEAN?!”

“Okay, this is official, she’s lost it.” Vinyl sighed. “Well it was beautiful while it lasted.”

The guard said nothing.

“I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!”

“That you’re good at scuba diving?” asked Turner, wanting to be useful.

“That you’re a bubblehead?” said Vinyl.

“You don’t need to answer, Turner, sweetiee.” Derpy said, again in that sweet voice. “I asked this stallion. You sit there and be quiet, ok?”

“Oh. Em. Ok I guess?”

“So.” Derpy smirked and pointed at the cutie mark. Her voice was again something that seemed more a hellhound than a pony, and her eyes were locked with the guard’s. “What do you THINK ABOUT THIS, HUH??!”

The guard squinted his eyes. “That... you’re... good at scuba diving?”

“Wrong, you little shit,” answered Derpy. “It means that I can motherfucking kill you if I want, without any kind of trouble! You wanna try me, or you’re gonna run away like the PUSSY YOU ARE?!”

The guard just stood there, staring at Derpy with squinted eyes. “...I’m afraid I fail to see the connection between bubbles and killing.” He sniffed. “Also, you smell like weed. Miss, have you been taking drugs?”

“You fail to see the connection?!” Derpy barked. It was not a laugh, not a scream -it was an actual bark. “HAH! HAVE YOU EVER GOT A TRAIN OF BUBBLES INSIDE YOUR VEINS?! HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW DOES IT FEEL GETTING YOUR HEAD INSIDE A VACUUM BUBBLE?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE LITTLE PLOPS OF THE LAST BUBBLE OF OXYGEN EXPLODING INSIDE YOUR LUNGS?!”

Silence again.

“I’m... not really sure bubbles can form a train.”

“Sweetie, I’m talking to this stallion, please don’t say a word.” She turned to Turner and smiled, her eyes closed in a somewhat happy face. “You are hurt anyway, and we don’t want you to get worse, right?”

Turner gulped. “Uh, no, I guess we don’t.”

“Perfect.” And back with the guard she was. “So, as I said, you better watch your back or I’ll fucking kill you. Got it?”

The guard facehoofed. “Okay, they don’t pay me enough for this. Taking care of the retarded one,” he looked at Turner, “is one thing, but being actually threatened to be... bubbled to death is just too much. Screw this shit, I’m going home.”

And without saying a single more word, the guard turned around and disappeared into the woods.

***

BOOM!

“Well you broke that table right now, so we can add ‘property damage’ to the endless list of crimes you’ve committed already, I hope you’re happy now. I certainly am, mind you. This is, like, the best night ever. I surely don’t think this is the most stupid thing I’ve done in a long time, which is something pretty huge to say, giving the fact that I live with you. Also, right now you’re clearly committing a crime against royalty and nobility and common sense in general, but that’s perfectly fine. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you after this? A life in prison? Banishment? Be banished and then be thrown in jail in the place you’ve already been banished? I know it sounds stupid, but Celestia did so with her sister, and you know the royal kind. They’re nuts. And you should know quite a lot about ponies who are fucking nuts. You know, being one of them and stuff.”

BOOM!

“Oh, well, there it goes that dude’s leg. Now he’s screaming for different reasons. There, are you happy? You just broke a stallion’s leg. That’s been just mean, but you don’t fucking care, so whatever. Have a good time, I’m sure that’s the correct thing to do. Eyup. Do not worry about the rest of ponykind as you usually do and be a little selfish; keep doing this shit until you’re tired. Hey, that one mare isn’t crying yet, you should definitely do something about it.”

“Oh, okay.” BOOM! “There, now she doesn’t have a leg either. She and the other stallion can be leggy buddies now.”

“I was being sarcastic, you fucking psycho.”

“You are always sarcastic, but I prefer to ignore that fact. You’re funnier if I interpret your words my way.”

BOOM!

“How can you even do that? That fucking statue is huge; I’m sure that weighs a ton or something. Levitating it should be impossible.”

“It’s the strength of my willpower.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Yet I am levitating the statue so it might make some sense after all. Suck it, Bon Bon.”

BOOM!

“Seriously, I know they’re stoned, but this is getting stupid. Why aren’t they running away?”

“Well, they’re trying.”

“They’re running in circles. Well, except for the leggy buddies, those are just crying.”

“That’s why I said they were trying.” BOOM! “Now the leggy buddies are a leggy trio.”

“Seriously, you deserve jail. I hate you so much right now.”

“This statue sure is resistant. I have slammed it like thirteen times and it’s still perfectly fine.”

BOOM!

“See?”

“Amazing. Words fail me to describe how impressed I am right now. Also I have been this close to tell you to be careful because you’re kinda moving the smoke toward us with your slamming, but then I realized you’re fucking slamming a giant statue of a dolphin fucking a pony to the ground and that asking you to be careful would be a pretty fucking oxymoron on my part so why the shit should I bother. Also is it me or there are more ponies in the garden now?”

BOOM! BOOM!

“Hey, look, if I slam it twice very fast it says your name!”

BOOM! BOOM!

“Fucking adorable on your part to realize that. The fact that I can see the stallion you hit isn’t moving does nothing but add sweetness to your gesture.”

“Nah, he’s still alive, I can see him breathing.”

“Wow, that’s sure a relief. You just caused him serious brain damage then, that’s totally not so bad.”

BOOM! BOOM!

“You know, I was thinking about Blueblood. The garden was his, so he has experience with drugs. Hell, he had FTS, so maybe he is so fucked up inside that he is not affected by the drugs and he’s like, dunno, freaking out inside of the mansion, trying to understand what’s happening.”

“Drugs don’t work that way.”

“Oh right, you’re a drug expert. How could I forget that detail? You know absolutely everything about drugs. You’re like, the drug empress. Everything that’s to know about hallucinogenic substances is inside your brain. You wrote the book on drugs. It’s called: ‘drugs –the book, by motherfucking Lyra Heartstrings’, and it’s a best-seller that everypony loves, that’s why you are so rich and beloved.”

“Yeah drugs still don’t work that way.”

BOOM! BOOM!

“That guy is running away.”

“Oh.” BOOM! “There, now he’s not.”

“Certainly. So, anyway, I’m sure Blueblood is totally not inside the house, plotting some royal revenge on us. After all, this is just his birthday party and we’re at his house, so why would he be here? Also we’re totally not destroying everything he owns and probably loves, so he has no reason to hate us. And even if he did, he’s only the nephew of Celestia so I’m sure he can do nothing against us. So continue, this is perfectly safe and not dangerous to us in any sense.”

BOOM! BOOM!

“You know, I thought that after doing this for ten straight minutes it would stop being funny.”

“And?”

“It totally didn’t.”

“You didn’t pay any attention to me, did you.”

“I was busy having fun.”

BOOM! BOOM!

“You know, I think I saw Cheating Bastard there not so long ago. I think he is inside the house though.”

“Why should I care?”

“I don’t know, maybe because he’s the main reason why we are here? We want Carrot Top to not kill that idiot, Lyra. If we can get the idiot out before she finds him, then we can go home.”

“Yeah, I still don’t really care.”

“I don’t care either, but I thought it was worth mentioning it.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Hm.”

BOOM! BOOM!

“Anyway, really, there are more ponies than before. Are they coming out of the mansion or something?”

“Why would they do that? Only an idiot would come straight into a slamming statue like that.”

***

“GO STRAIGHT INTO THAT SLAMMING STATUE YA IDIOTS!”

There’s one point in every noblepony’s life in which he has to make a decision. Which is better for tonight: the green cape or the orange jacket? Trying the boiled daisies or the fried orchids first? Running into that giant, pony-fucking dolphin that is seriously hurting your comrades or facing that scary mare? Being nobility was stressful sometimes.

Maybe they were following the new trend, maybe they just made the wisest decision –it doesn’t really matter. The thing is:  that pony-fucking dolphin had a lot of ponies to fuck. One by one they looked at the orange mare and then ran to the statue, following her orders. It was a hard decision, sure, but they were used to that kind of things.

Also they had enough drugs in their bodies to kill a baby elephant, so it’s not like they gave a single fuck. That surely helped a lot. So, one by one, they ran through the door and towards the statue, following the orange mare’s indications. They could have left the hall through a window, but the smoke was too dense for them to give a single fuck.

Carrot Top didn’t exactly know why everypony was obeying her, but it’s not like she really cared. Being honest, she was too damn high to care about absolutely anything, but even if she had been sober she wouldn’t have given a single fuck.

That seemed to be the common result of breathing that white smoke. Nopony gave a single fuck. At all.

So who-knows-why, the situation at the hall was, at least, weird. The second and third floors were empty, and everypony who wasn’t at the garden was just… waiting there. Some were sitting, some were walking, some were chattering. Carrot Top was standing on a table, and every few minutes she would point at one, maybe two or three random ponies and tell them to go outside and run into the statue. The nobleponies would doubt a little, then obey.

That was it. That was the situation. Ponies waiting, then going to the statue.

At one point Carrot Top realized that A) she wasn’t really sure how the hell had she ended up doing this, B) she had lost focus, because her original goal was to look for Cheating Bastard and her ex-coltfriend was nowhere to be seen and C) no, seriously, how was she in such a situation? Everything felt a little blurry.

She shrugged it off pretty easily. She was sending those snobs to the statue because it was funny. Also she was pissed off at every noblepony in existence, mostly because Cheating Bastard had been a cheating bastard. Sending those idiots to their doom was surprisingly calming.

And of course, maybe Cheating was in that hall after all. Nopony was leaving without her noticing it. Well, at some point a bunch of rebels had gone to the stairs and into the second floor, because apparently there was at least one noblepony who wasn’t dumb as a rock, but Carrot had realized that almost immediately, and the door had been closed and secured by two scared countressses. So if Cheating was hiding between the group, she was going to find him. Of course, there was the possibility that he would have gone to the second floor, but what were the odds? No, that stallion was going to be found at some point.

And then she was going to pay.

***

Derpy was breathing heavily, looking at the point where the guard had disappeared with an enraged face. Turner felt still a little dizzy, and was sure he wouldn’t be able to get up or walk by himself. He touched his forehead and grunted when he felt something sticky on it. He looked at his hoof and -eeeyup, it was blood. Perfect, just perfect. He had a concussion. Not very bad, because he was still conscious, but he was sure a journey to the hospital would be something quite recommendable.

The first one breaking the silence that had fallen between them was, of course, Vinyl. Her voice came from Turner’s communicator, slow and confused.

“What... just happened?” she asked. “I mean. Derpy? That was kinda awesome, but... what?”

The grey pegasus squinted her eyes at the forest a couple more seconds, and once it was clear that the guard wasn’t coming back, she turned to the brown stallion, a sweet smile on her face again. “Doc!” she said. “I came here to save you!”

Turner blinked. Now that he could look at Derpy calmly, he could see her eyes were straight, instead of looking at the moon and the ground at the same time, as usual. Her smile also looked a little goofy, even more than usual. Her wings trembled a little.

And she really smelled like weed. “Derpy, are you high?”

“Derpy’s high?!”

“No, silly!” The pegasus giggled and approached Turner with a mix between walking and jumping. “I’m on the ground, don’t you see? Are you hurt, Doc?”

“That’s not what I mean.” Turner sighed. “And you know it. Also, yes, I’m kinda hurt.” He raised an eyebrow. “What gave you the clue, Derpy? The fact that I’m on the ground, the fact that I can’t get up or the fact that my forehead is as bloody as a lady on the day of her marriage?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Turner.”

“Shut up, Vinyl.” Turner groaned. His forehead was killing him. Derpy stopped right beside him, still smiling in that weird way. Her straight eyes were unsetting. “Derpy, I think I’m pretty much fucked up here. I won’t die for this, but I’m sure I need a couple stitches and maybe a good night’s rest. And, of course, you’re totally stoned so you can’t help me. Great.”

Derpy answered him with a very annoying giggle.

Turner was almost choking by the smell in Derpy’s mane. Holy shit, it wasn’t strong, it was more than that. He felt nauseous for a moment. “Ugh, yes you are.”

“Turner, you’re hurt?” Vinyl asked. “How bad it is?”

The stallion smirked. “My head met a tree with so much strength that now the tree won’t be able to marry in white. But as I said, I’ll survive. Though it hurts.”

“Aaaw.” Derpy nuzzled Turner’s cheek, making him feel even more nauseous. “Poor thing. Did that scary guard do something bad to you?”

“Ugh.” Turner coughed. “For crying out loud, Derpy, you smell like my old Art Teacher. Get out.”

“What happened, Derpy?” Vinyl asked. She sounded worried. “If you’re as stoned as Turner says, I bet it has something to do with the plan, right? Did you, like, inhale the drug or something?”

“Breathe?” Turner laughed sardonically. “This idiot has bathed in that shit, judging by the smell of her mane.”

Derpy giggled, hugged Turner carefully and continued with the nuzzle. The stallion gagged. “Oh, so you’re smelling my mane?” she said. “Silly Doc!”

“Vinyl, do you mind checking what’s happening with the others?” Turner said, trying not to puke. “I have a bad feeling.”

“Yeah, good idea. You want me to talk with them privately or-?”

“Are you really asking this?! I am hurt, Derpy is stoned and if I remember well, Octavia doesn’t have a communicator,” interrupted Turner. “Judging by the state of this fucking pegasus, I bet the plan went horribly wrong and now we may be dealing with a drugged Lyra. So, in other words, we’re fucked.”

“Well, it’s not so bad. We’ve been in situation like this before.”

“Yeah, but usually Octavia, Derpy or me are here, trying to put some reason inside your brains. But right now? Only me and you can talk with those idiots.” Turner sighed. “And Vinyl, you’re fucking stupid.”

“You know, I’m starting to get really angry at you,” Vinyl said. “You can kindly go and fuck yourself, Time Turner.”

“I’m just explaining the situation,” answered the stallion. “In other words: no, for Celestia’s sake, I don’t want you to talk with Lyra and Bon Bon privately! That would be at the same time stupid and illogical. The only one who can solve this fucking situation is me, so move your giant lazy ass and let me handle everything, instead of whining at my ear because your high school crush isn’t talking to you tonight!”

Silence. Turner was breathing heavily, trying not to puke. Yelling had been a very bad idea –he felt sick, and the pain on his head was doing nothing but become stronger. The pony rested his head against the tree one more time, trying to be as far away from Derpy’s mane as possible.

“That’s been mean,” said Derpy, using her usual sweet voice. “Vinyl is a good friend! But don’t worry, I know how to take that grumpiness away!”

The pegasus got closer and hugged Turner, who was feeling too sick to resist. The smell of weed was too strong. He tried to talk, but choked instead.

“Turner!” Luckily for him, Derpy realized this and moved away a couple inches, enough for Turner to breathe. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

“No,” the stallion said. “No, I’m not fucking okay. My head hurts, my stomach aches, I think I’m going to puke, I’m bleeding and you’re stinking right now and something tells me you don’t realize the situation is more serious than expected.”

“Aw, come on! We’ve been at worse places! Look, I know something that will cheer you up even more than just a hug…”

Turner was already taking a breath to yell something among the lines of ‘for fuck’s sake, go away’, even though he was sure it would hurt Derpy and she would end up angry with him. Luckily for the stallion, he never got to do this, so that never happened and their relationship went on as happy as it had always been.

Unluckily for the stallion, that was because Vinyl had finally turned off the private conversation, and everypony was part of the main one now.

That meant that through every communicator came one of the loudest sounds Turner could ever imagine: that of almost eighty nobleponies screaming and crying in despair and fear, alongside the unmistakable noise of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds. Being so sudden, the noise seemed ten thousand times as strong as it realty was in Turner’s ears.

The pain in his head became unbearable. He felt something coming out from his stomach, and next thing he knew he was pushing Derpy apart as fast as possible and puking as hard as he could.

Then everything became dizzy and he fell unconscious.

***

Getting rid of Steel Bar had been easy. Octavia had zero to no difficulties on hiding behind a tree and then running to the mansion, her hooves completely quiet against the soft ground of leaves and dirt. She was panting, out of breath, and her entire body was covered in sweat.

She bit her lip. Well, sweating could be sexy sometimes, but definitely she was not sweating in a sexy way right now. Yet another reason to hate running, she though. Even her mane had to be messy after being so much time in the forest. Dirt, leaves, branches… She was looking everything but hot.

Octavia shrugged everything off easily, though. She had no time for worrying over her looks, although she really wanted to.

Her chat with Vinyl had pissed her off. A lot. It had also hurt her, but ‘pissed’ was the correct word to describe how she was feeling right now. The only thing she wanted was to go and talk to Turner. For some reason, Octavia was sure that the stallion was the right choice to talk about that kind of things. Not like she had any other option anyway –Lyra and Bon Bon were obviously not a good choice, Vinyl was the cause of her anger and Derpy had been part of the cause too. So, Turner and Turner alone.

What could she tell him? Octavia wasn’t really sure. Maybe the stallion could help her make amends with Vinyl? Although, now that she thought about it… Did she want to make amends with Vinyl anyway? Octavia wasn’t really sure either.

After all, Vinyl had said, verbatim, that Octavia meant nothing to her. Well, that was truly a jerk comment. Vinyl could go fuck a nail. Octavia didn’t want to see or hear the DJ ever again. Hell, that had been uncalled for! What had been all that about anyway? Just because Octavia had played with Derpy one night she had become like the toy of the group or something?! Hell no! And she was getting none of that attitude, mind you!

Yes, that was a good way to look at the situation, Octavia thought. She shook her head, let the frown and the sad pout disappear and replaced them with a confident smirk and a pissed off look. She was going to look for Turner, and then she was going to talk shit about Vinyl. Oh yes, she was going to talk so much shit about Vinyl. All the shit. And Vinyl would never know because Octavia was never going to talk with her.

She reassured her decision with a kick to the ground. Well, everything was perfectly ok once again! She now had an excuse to go and talk with Turner about Vinyl, she knew how to handle the situation, and OctaviaTown was fine and dandy, as always!

And then she finally got out of the forest and appeared in front of the now empty main door.

The first thing she thought about was how amazingly soundproof were those trees. Inside the forest she had heard nothing at all. Then again, she had been kinda busy thinking about serious things, so maybe she had not been paying attention. But even with that in mind, the forest did a very good job at isolating sound.

Because holy shit, the mare thought, everything was noisy in there. Octavia could hear a lot of ponies screaming at the mansion, and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds.

And then she realized that the main door was surrounded in a weird mist… no, it was smoke. White smoke? That was weird.

“Well, fuck me. I guess the plan has changed.”

She looked at the starry sky and sighed one more time. Maybe destroying her communicator hadn’t been a good idea after all.

Now, let’s think, she thought. Well, she was already thinking. That was a good start! Now she needed to think about something else than her need to think. Wait what was that thing in the air? It smelled like… weed? She wasn’t really sure, so she sniffed as hard as she could.

Well, it sure did smell like weed. Was someone smoking near her? Where? Oh, wait. She was supposed to be thinking. Or was she already thinking? No, definitely she wasn’t thinking, she thought.

Wait.

Fuck.

She slapped herself, trying to clear her mind. What was happening? Her mind was going in circles. That wasn’t normal.

And then it hit her. The smoke! It smelled like weed, there was a weird, white smoke, she felt dizzy…

“Oh Celestia. I’m getting stoned!”

Definitely, the plan had changed. She forgot about looking for Turner and went to the forest, where there was no smoke. Maybe the trees were enchanted? No sound, no smoke… Octavia coughed and breathed as much clear air as she could. Maybe Blueblood had casted a fireproof spell at the forest –Octavia knew it was common practice between Canterlot nobles–, and for some reason that worked against noise and smoke too.

That didn’t sound very plausible, but the smoke wasn’t getting near the trees, so it had to be close to the truth, at least. Octavia sighed, stretched her legs and started to run again, this time towards the mansion, but always inside of the forest.

Now, onwards to look for Lyra and Bon Bon, she thought. Octavia was sure that they were the cause of the smoke and the screaming. After all, they were Lyra and Bon Bon. Why had they brought them that night anyway? They did nothing but cause trouble.

***

“So, are you going to keep doing that all night?”

“I think I’ll stop once the statue breaks.”

“Well, that’s just wonderful.”

Lyra let her smirk grow a little wider. Truth be told, she was kinda tired of doing that stupid thing with the statue, and her horn was itching like crazy. She only knew how to cast two spells, and levitation was one of them –but levitating that huge dolphin was something pretty amazing for a pony her age. So the act itself was tiring, boring (you only could do the same thing for a certain amount of time before it got repetitive, even if the particular thing was something as funny as making nobleponies shit their pants) and it was hurting her horn. The only reason why she kept slamming the statue was because Bon Bon was so annoyed.

There were ponies coming out of the mansion, they had finally seen it. Lyra was sure that there was only one reason why the nobleponies could be running into the slamming statue. “So,” she said, “are you going to get in there or what?”

“Oh, of course I’m going. You know, I love to run into-“

“Yeah, cut it off,” Lyra interrupted. “I think Carrot is in there, because that’s the only thing that’s more terrifying than a fucking statue. You should go in there.”

“Of course.” Bon Bon glared at her. “I could go in there, take Carrot and run away. It’s the perfect plan! Except for the fact that we don’t know if Carrot is in there at all, because the only proof we have is that a bunch of stoned idiots are coming out of a house filled with smoke. Of course, we have a supercomputer that can help us localize that mare, but nopony is answering through this piece of shit,” Bon Bon pointed at the communicator in her ear, that had been silent for a long time now, just like Lyra’s, “so who the fuck cares. Oh, and also, if I go there I will inhale the smoke and get high too, which would be just wonderful for our purposes. Why, being drugged sure is going to help us!”

“There’s hardly any smoke now,” Lyra said. She wasn’t looking at Bon Bon; she was too focused on slamming the statue (BOOM, BOOM!). “At least here. The statue has scattered it. You’re welcome.”

“Well, you are right at that,” Bon Bon said. “But, just in case: if I go there, will you stop doing that with the dolphin?”

“Nah.”

“I thought so.”

Lyra raised an eyebrow. She was thinking about some witty way to answer her companion when suddenly something came from the trees behind them and started yelling at her. Something grey and sweaty.

Octavia, of course.

“You bloody idiots!” the grey mare said, looking at them with disgust. She was looking horrible, Lyra thought. “What the hell are you doing?! You were supposed to get in there and rescue Carrot, not cause as much chaos as possible! What the fuck are you even doing?!”

“We’re having a wonderful time in general,” answered Lyra, still slamming the statue. Octavia retreated a few steps after looking at her eyes. “You know, playing with nobility. See?” She slammed the statue with even more strength. Pain ran through her horn and the back of her eyes, but she didn’t flinch. “Funny!”

“You are making your position painfully obvious!” Octavia shook her head and turner to Bon Bon, clearly angry. “Don’t you see that if I can spot you anypony can?!”

Bon Bon looked at the mare and blinked two times. Then, slowly, she massaged her eyes with her hoof. “Ok,” she said. “First thing: we were supposed to cause as much chaos as possible… then things got wild, but that doesn’t matter. Second thing: we were doing this precisely because we didn’t need to hide, as you were distracting the guards. And third thing…” Bon Bon raised her head and looked at Octavia. “What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

Silence.

Well, relative silence. The ponies were screaming and the statue was slamming against the ground, after all.

Octavia opened her mouth. Then she closed it. Then she opened it again.

“I don’t know if that’s you trying to imitate a fish out of water or if you’re trying to come up with an explanation that’s not fucking stupid.” Bon Bon sighed. “As it’s you we’re talking about, I guess it’s the second. You know what? I don’t really want to know.”

Lyra chuckled.

“Just tell me one thing: are the guards still distracted or you ran away without taking care of that?”

Octavia froze.

Then she slowly turned to Lyra.

Then to the statue.

Then to Bon Bon again.

Then she gulped.

“Well… that’s a funny story, in fact.”

“Oh, come fucking on!” Bon Bon raised her hooves into the air, exasperated. “So what, now the guards are perfectly fine? DO you realize that if they call the Royal Guard we’re fucked?! Or are you too stupid to understand that?! They could be right behind us right now!”

“Guess what?” a masculine voice said, out of the blue. “We are. And the Royal Guards are coming.”

A lot of things happened at the same time. Lyra was able to get everything, more or less, but some details didn’t get clear until a couple days later.

First, two hulky stallions appeared right behind them –the guards, Lyra guessed. She had to admit it: Turner hadn’t been exaggerating. Those guys had muscles the size of watermelons. Lyra was sure they could break a normal pony’s neck just by looking at it.

The two guards tackled them, or at least tried. The three mares avoided them pretty easily, mostly because the guards had warned them. Talking from the shadows and startling the criminals you wanted to get was pretty cool, but also inefficient, Lyra thought.

The three mares jumped and avoided them, then. But that forced them to get out of the forest and actually enter the garden. And then, the protection from the sound that the trees had been giving them disappeared, and Lyra could hear the screams of the nobleponies. They were far louder than she had imagined.

Lyra had been so startled that the statue jumped a couple meters in the air. That caused her a lot of pain, and as a result, the spell faded away. The statue fell to the ground, causing the strongest sound Lyra had ever heard.

At the same time, although she couldn’t hear it very well, her communicator made a ‘click’ sound, and they got connected to the main conversation again.

Just in time for the communicator to receive the signal of the louder screams and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground.

A new scream hurt Lyra’s ears just after that –Turner screaming. Then, something that sounded like Derpy saying something about somepony losing consciousness, and the stupid DJ yelling like a fucking idiot.

The pain on her horn, plus the one in the back of her eyes, both caused by magic, were hard to deal with. But once you added the screams and the general noise, they became completely unbearable, at least for a couple seconds. Lyra was able to avoid the guards once, but then she had to cover her ears with her hooves, screaming in pain.

Something tackled her and she fell to the ground, so she added pain in her back and legs to the picture. She hit her head hard enough for her sight to become blurry, but she didn’t lose consciousness.

Everything had happened very fast, but Lyra was faster. Knowing that she couldn’t use magic for a while, she just headbutted whoever had tackled her to the ground as hard as she could. A wild scream followed that gesture. She had hit an eye, seemingly.

Then she put the horn away and punched in the same spot. As a result, she heard another scream and the pony that was trying to immobilize her got away.

Lyra’s sight finally cleared, and she got up.

In front of her were two guards. One of them had blood on his face and was screaming. Lyra had hurt his eye. The other one was looking at her and frowning on a very interesting way.

Octavia and Bon Bon were nowhere to be seen. Lyra caught a glimpse of Tavi running to the side of the mansion.

Lyra was panting. Her head hurt a lot. She had no magic. The Royal Guards were coming. Two angry stallions the size of a little mountain wanted trouble with her. Turner was unconscious. Her friends had left her alone. She was surrounded by nobleponies that had been terrorized by her.

“Well,” she muttered, the blood of the guard dropping from her horn, “shit got interesting.”