A Sailboat, Two Mares and a Crate Full of Rum

Chapter Eight

In Which Shit Finally Gets Real

***

"Chaaaaarge!" Lyra echoed Captain Yore's (she decided that she would call him that to avoid controversy) command, pointing her hoof towards the herd of pirates that were running towards them across the wooden planks cast aboard the sailboat and joined with the pirate ship.

Only then did she realise that they were four unarmed mares and the crew was a few dozen gruff, sabre-armed stallions. And no anti-sexism measures could remedy the situation. Unless the pirates had a guilty conscience. Taking a brief look at their mad grins and invigorated yells, Lyra concluded that no, the pirates did not have a guilty conscience. If they had any conscience at all. Well, rum-hazed conscience is still conscience.

Lyra braced herself for the impact, her horn pointing forth like a spear. Aside, Octavia took a battle stance, her hooves ready to collide with the intruders. Vinyl lowered her horn, her shades covering her ears... chewing bubblegum? I don't wanna know, Lyra concluded.

Bon-Bon - on whom Lyra relied for hoof-combat support - yelped and ran away, vanishing inside quickly. Lyra stared at disbelief at the place her wife had just been. She... betrayed me! Why?

Meanwhile, Octavia served the first double-blow, punching two pirates simultaneously, with such force that it sent both stallions tumbling, only to fall in the deep waters of the sea. Some lucky shark would be getting a very tasty, if not healthy, dinner.

Two pirates ran, hollering, towards Lyra, the mint mare taking a step back. She could take out one of them. Their sabres were sharp; but her horn was sharper. At least, she hoped so. But then the other one...

"Lyra, catch!"

Bon-Bon's voice brought Lyra back to Equestria as she instinctively grabbed in her telekinetic grip the object her wife had thrown at her. A sword! A sabre! Lyra cast a glance at it. ...A broomstick. Still, there was no time to think! With some effort, the mighty broom crushed the pirates like a fine baseball bat, sending them over to the deep blue sea. The lucky shark, it seemed, would get only luckier.

Vinyl worked her own broomstick, courtesy of Bon-Bon, fighting three pirates at once. This is the point where Jeffrey arrives and saves us. Evading a sabre blow, she cast a look around. Dammit. There was no Jeffrey. But there was Bon-Bon. Just cowering in the corner and not fighting. "Hey, Bon-Bon!" Vinyl yelled. "Lend a hoof, will ya?"

Bon-Bon shut her eyes. I can't. Not now. It's too dangerous for her. "I... I can't!"

Vinyl groaned, slamming her broomstick against a pirate's head. Two more joined the battle. Damn. Bon-Bon must be a pacifist. Stupid pacifists with their stupid recycling. Wait a minute...

"Yaarrr-hahaharrr!"

Vinyl shrieked in terror as, with a slash of the pirate's sabre, a cone of her beautifully-gelled mane fell to the wood of the floor. Letting out a primeval roar, the DJ slammed the broomstick against the pirate, sending him to feed the fish. The lucky shark was probably inviting family to dinner now.

I... I may die, Vinyl realised suddenly, as she took a few steps back, fighting two pirates at once. While the matters of life and death did not concern her, she didn't really want to die. Living is so way better. Then, the DJ made a decision. Turning to Octavia, she yelled, "Tavi! Will you marry me?"

"What?!" Octavia replied, planting a firm hoof into a pirate's face.

"I said, Will you marry me, Tavi?" Vinyl reiterated, smashing another pirate with a broom. The sharks must be worshipping me as Foodgiver. "Right here, right now!"

"But same-sex marriage-" Octavia bucked another pirate. "Isn't legal in Equestria!"

"It is!" Vinyl lunged at one of the pirates. "Has been for a while. Lyra and Bon-Bon are married already!" A smash followed. "I just lied to you so that we could stay civil partners and I could ditch responsibility!"

"WHAT?!" the cellist roared, smashing two pirates together and throwing them over board. "All this time?! I will kill you, Vinyl Scratch!"

Vinyl winced as she cracked her broom against a pirate's spine, now levitating two halves of it. "Thing is, there are pirates keen on killing us already! So, I want you to marry me!" She threw one of the pieces against an approaching pirate. "If we die today, I want to die married to you!'

Ah, dammit! Octavia took a sharp step back, letting two attackers collide in mid-air. "I will! Dammit, I will marry you, Vinyl Scratch!"

"Yay!" Vinyl turned quickly towards Lyra, who was fighting Captain Yore Ars. "Lyra, as the captain, you can wed us! Do it right now!"

Lyra grunted, her broom screeching at the impact. "I'm kinda busy!"

"Do it!" Octavia supported her mare, grabbing a pirate by the waist and tossing him against an approaching horde like a bowling ball.

"Fine!" Lyra smashed the pirate captain across the face, winning herself some time. "By the power vested in me by the Pirate Codex-" She smashed a stray pirate from the crew with a broom. "I hereby pronounce you mare and wife!" The mint mare slammed the broom against Captain Yore once more. "Now, you can kiss and clean my ship from this scum!"

And so they did.

***

"I will never ever hijack sailboats again."

Lyra nodded. "Good. One more time."

"I will never ever hijack sailboats again."

Lyra grinned, looking at a very miserable and tied Yore Ars. "You are no longer a captain of that ship." She pondered for a moment. "If only because your crew is feeding the sharks now." The mint mare could swear she saw a shark show up out of the water, giving her a quick fin-up before diving back. "So, we graciously allow you to take this sailboat while we take your ship." The mare looked at the ex-captain victoriously. "Because you have a soft spot for 'old, useless sailboats'."

Yore Ars just glared at the mare but said nothing. Lyra turned towards her wife. "Now, about you. What's the matter, Bonnie?" Lyra frowned. "Why didn't you fight? What has happened to you? I appreciate the brooms and what-not but..." The mint mare sighed, seeing tears in her wife's eyes. "Look, Bonnie, I don't know what's been happening to you for the past month. You... have changed. Behaviour-wise."

"Of course I have changed, you idiot!" Bon-Bon stood up, showing off her pretty-grown belly. "I'm pregnant!"

Lyra hit the wooden floor with a soft, thick thud.