Dear Derpy Hooves,

There comes a time in everypony’s life… when they see something that changes their entire way of living. For me, it was your glorious butt! Derpy, I’ve got to apologize for my forwardness, but I figured you might like the complement. I hope that’s true! Though, I’ll never know. There’s no way in a million years you’ll find out who this is… I hope.

However, I’ve been wanting to say this since last week, when I first saw you. I hadn’t really caught sight of your backside yet, and even then, I want you to know, I still thought you were really pretty. Still, seeing your butt made it official!

Is it wrong that I found you so cool? I mean, I’m only eight years old, and already I’m having these strange feelings! They’re a little nice, I suppose, not like beating the hardest boss level in Mare Overlord… More like finally saving Princess Priceless in Alicorn of War!

Sometimes, I’ll daydream about you, too. It’s become really bad! I even wound up failing a test once because I couldn’t get you out of my mind. When I was asked what was wrong, Ms. Cheerilee thought it was all those video games, but it’s not! It’s you. Well, it’s your tail… You know what I mean!

I must sound like such a pervert, mailing you like this, talking about your rump like this. I mean, it’s not my fault you shake your tail my way every week day while I’m at school! I’ve tried to move desks, but somehow, I just wind up right next to the window again, staring back at you, like always.

Some of the other students have caught me looking, and you wouldn’t believe the hoops I’ve had to leap through to cover up my crush! I’d tell them I was thinking about the new gaming console coming out in a few months. They see right through me every time, though.

By the time you read this, I can imagine you being a little weirded out, and maybe even offended, but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Last Friday, when you came by the mailroom at my school to drop off those letters, I couldn’t look away! Your butt! It was just…

Unbelievable. That’s the word I’d use to describe your posterior. No! Sexy, hot, round, or even irresistible isn’t good enough. Your butt is unbelievably attractive, and I’m not even supposed to like girls yet! I always called Apple Bloom, or even Scootaloo ickie. But, you?

To be perfectly clear, I want to keep my identity a total secret right now. I’m pretty sure you’d probably tell my mom on me, and that would get me grounded. No video games, no television, and I’d probably end up with having to do… the dishes!

Those are the worst! I hate doing them. Oh, wait a minute, I’m getting off track. I was complimenting your backside. Right! Well, what else can I possibly say? I’m in love with it! Like, the mares on some of my video games have nicely animated butts, too. I like them, sure. But, when I compare those to your hiney?

Oh, boy! There’s just nothing better than staring nonstop at your bubble marked bootie! I know I’ve said enough to make you want a restraining order on me. At least, I think that’s what those things are called. However, I don’t care. I needed to tell you how I felt.

Not only have I seen you walking by my house, dropping off my mail, I’ve also watched you when flying away, or even after school when my mom picks me up. You were talking to Ms. Cheerilee, and I got my chance to compare your flank with my teacher’s! I couldn’t believe how much more round and plump you were! If Ms. Cheerilee saw this note, I can’t help but wonder if she’d be hurt. I always thought she had the best plot, but now? After observing you from a distance?

My point is, you’ve got me under your spell. Well, your butt does, really. I never knew how much I loved big bottoms until I saw you! I’ve gotta say, thanks a ton, Derpy! Someday, somehow, I’ll work up the confidence to ask you out, and when I do, I’ll be older. I’ll also be ready to sweep you off your hooves, and I’ll give you butt massages, and make sure nopony else has even the tiniest glimpse of a thought about stealing your flank away from me!

Also, it’s not so much that I’m shy. It’s just… well, I’m sure you’ve noticed by what I’ve said, I’m not exactly of age just yet. That’s okay, though! I will be. Someday. Mark my words, Derpy Hooves! Your ass will be mine!

Shoot, I said a bad word! Good thing my mom doesn’t know. If she heard me, or even saw me writing such vulgar things, I’d be deader than the zombies in my video games! That’s pretty dead, I’ll have you know.

Have I told you your butt’s the bestest butt in the whole wide world of Equestria? Because it is! I know I keep telling you this, but I just have to make sure you know how I feel about you. And, even though it’s not much, I also got my mom to buy a box of chocolate muffins, because I know how much you adore muffins! She wondered why, but luckily, she didn’t mind.

With love from your secret admirer,

Anonymous

Derpy lowered the note, a stunned look on her face. She glanced at the package the note was tied to, then the note itself, then the muffins, and opened the box. She sniffled a bit, then said, “But… I’m allergic to chocolate...”

Author's Notes:

Coauthored with RainbowBob

What started out as a simple conversation escalated into... this. Considering I wrote most of it, RainbowBob told me I should be the one to post it. So, I am.

This story was inspired by, though not really related to "Dear Princess Celestia: I Hate You" and its sequel "Dear Princess Luna: I Love You"