The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship
Chapter 87 Pinkie Vs. The Munchies

“Hey, no fair!” Chris said. “I was going to do that!”

Dan sighed heavily as he watched Pinkie shovel in a hooffull of mayonnaise into her mouth, stuck her hoof back into an open jar, and repeat the process.

“Youw knoow whaat woulld gwo gwood with this?” Pinkie swallowed, “Butter. Do you have any sticks of butter I can dip into this?” Pinkie asked as she sat the jar of mayonnaise on the ground.

Chris shot Dan a pleading look, “Dan! She’s eating all my ingredients for mayo-butter surprise!”

Dan paused, “…Are the ingredients for mayo-butter surprise sticks of butter and mayonnaise?”

“Why, yes actually,” Chris said informatively.

“So… the surprise is your eating habits are actually atrocious enough that you would actually ingest such a thing?”

“… I don’t need to impress you…” Chris replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m impressed,” Dan said, “just not in the way you’re probably hoping for.”

“Found them~!” Pinkie sang out as she clutched a wrapped stick of butter with her hooves and dipped it into the jar. She tossed the entire stick into the air and opened her mouth wide, chomping down on the mayonnaise coated stick of butter before it hit the floor. She chewed a couple times and swallowed the mass whole.

“Goofball, did you just eat the wrapper?” Dan asked.

“But I still have these cursed hooves!” Pinkie cried as she held up her pink forehoves.

“Oh right…” Dan mused, “Maybe I should have asked Elise if she could have made you some super strong, robot arms.”

Pinkie gasped. “Then I could hold you down more easily!” she said excitedly.

Dan frowned as pensiveness seeped into his features, “I retract my previous statement.”

“You know what else would be cool?” Pinkie said. “If those robotic arms … uh… shot doughnuts!”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief as Pinkie’s train of thought continued to charge full speed ahead to parts unknown.

“… That would be AMAZING!” Chris declared.

“Iknowright?!” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed, “This is Hell right? I mean… assuming I beat death at it’s grim, icy game and become an old man; I can sit down and terrorize anyone in earshot about that time my girlfriend lost what little control of herself she had and would only stop forcing herself on me if she was rendered unconscious or doped up enough that she thought drinking chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle was a good idea…”

“Glug…glug…glug…” Pinkie emptied the contents of a bottle of chocolate syrup into her mouth and then returned her focus to Dan. “Ahhhhhh…” she uttered in a satisfaction, “it’s not?”

“Dan! She’s eating everything in the fridge!” Chris protested.

Dan rolled his eyes, “You’re just upset because it’s all things you were planning on eating.”

“Well, it is my fridge,” Chris pointed out.

Dan sighed and reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pink wallet.

“Hey, why do you have Pinkie’s wallet?” Chris asked.

“Pinkie is currently a pony and also eating jelly straight out of a jar,” Dan said as he motioned to Pinkie who was currently muzzle deep in a jar of strawberry jelly, “and you’re asking me why I don’t trust her with a magic wallet that produces unlimited amounts of money?”

“Point taken,” Chris replied.

Dan reached into the wallet, pulled out a fistful of dollars, and handed the wad to Chris.

Chris grabbed the mass of money with wide, surprised eyes, “Dan! This is an obscene amount of money…”

“For a pair of obscene eaters,” Dan pointed out. “Go to the store, buy some food, and get back here. I have a feeling mass quantities of food is the only thing that’ll keep Pinkie occupied at the moment…”

Pinkie snatched an open box of baking soda from the fridge and poured the contents into her mouth.

“… or things that aren’t strictly food,” Dan added.

Chris merely stared at Pinkie as he watched the hungry, pink, black hole of a pony consume everything in reach.

“Hurry it up, jerk-face!” Dan said irritably. “I don’t know how long it’ll take her to get through everything consumable in your house, but I’m guessing somewhere between ‘not very long’ and ‘I hate my best friend because he was too much an idiot to buy a bunch of food and get back here in a timely fashion before my recently transformed girlfriend jumped me again’.”

“…I’m not sure that second one is a measurement of time, Dan,” Chris pointed out.

“GO!” Dan yelled.

“Alright, I’m going.”

“Are you going on a snack run?!” Pinkie asked as she wiped ketchup off her muzzle.

“Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am,” Chris replied, “Want anything?”

Pinkie’s face suddenly went serious. “Cheetos… lots of Cheetos… Oooo! And microwave mini-pizzas…and…Pop Tarts…Twinkies… and…and HOT POCKETS!” she shrieked.

Dan looked at Chris, “Just grab a bunch of junk food and bring it back.”

Chris paused and stared at Dan.

“WELL?!”

“Dan, there are rare times in our friendship where knowing you makes me inordinately happy,” Chris said as he became misty eyed.

Dan cried out in alarm as Chris wrapped his arms around him and embraced him in a big bear hug.

“This is one of those times!” Chris said.

“Group hug!” Pinkie said as she leapt from the ground threw embraced Dan.

Dan sighed, “Goofball, dare I ask why you’re sticky?”

“I poured maple syrup over myself,” Pinkie explained.

Chris broke his embrace as Pinkie let go of Dan and lowered herself to the floor.

“Ooookaaaay…” Dan said, “… Why?”

“I figured if somehow we had pancakes I could roll around in them and eat them!” Pinkie explained.

Chris gasped, “It’s brilliant!”

Dan shot his tall friend an irritated look, “Shouldn’t you be going to the store?”

“Right, I’m going,” Chris replied as he made his way to the door.

Dan looked down at Pinkie, “So, you covered yourself in maple syrup as a messy, sticky, and, most of all, moronic method of asking me to make pancakes?”

“Uhhhh… no?” Pinkie replied in an unsure tone.

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead, “You know you could have just asked me for pancakes.”

“Oh…” Pinkie replied. She looked up at Dan with bright, loving, happy eyes and a dazzling smile to match, “Make me pancakes?”

Dan sighed, as strange she was acting and as sticky she was; she still managed an expression of heart melting adorableness he couldn't resist. “Do you promise not to attack me or chew my clothes off while I’m making food?” he asked.

Pinkie nodded, “I promise.”

“Well, alright then,” Dan replied as he opened up Chris’s and Elise’s cupboards in search of ingredients.

“Hey Dan,” Pinkie began, “on a scale from one to ten, how edible would you say is cinnamon?”

Dan paused as his conscience suddenly erupted into an epic battle of wanting to keep Pinkie out of harm’s way and deriving a small amount of sadistic pleasure from watching her idiocy come back to bite her. Dan’s love fought valiantly, but was overcome by a stressful day of trying to hold Pinkie at bay and the desire to see if she could, in fact, eat a mouthful of cinnamon with no ill effects.

“Eleven,” Dan answered.

Pinkie eagerly unscrewed the cap to the spice with her mouth, then dumped the contents into her mouth. Her eyes teared up as she began laboriously chewing on the mass of burning spice in her mouth. “I’fve maffde a terwible mwistake!” she cried through a mouth full of cinnamon. Pinkie dove for the sink and fiddled with the knobs with her hooves. She successfully turned the tap on and placed her mouth under the running water in a desperate bid the clean out the burning spice.

Dan shook his head and went back to gathering ingredients.

Uhg… hopefully Elise has stopped her fangirling long enough to get some work done with Sparkler…

“KILL IT!” Twilight cried. “KILL IT! KILL IT!”

“I’m TRYING!” Elise shouted as she shoved another clip into her assault rifle. She pointed her weapon at a mass of bubbling pink ooze that raised itself up towards the ceiling. A part in the pink slime formed wide in the center, revealing a maw like opening in the creature.

“FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuNNNNN!” The creature bellowed out on a deep, gurgling tone.

Elise opened fire.

‘BRATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

A torrent of bullets quickly flew from the barrel of her weapon as she braced her assault rifle against her hip and stood firm.

The oozing mass pulsated and bubbled violently as the hailstorm of bullets slammed into it. Suddenly, pink tendrils shot from the mass and wrapped themselves around the weapon in Elise’s hands. Elise let go as the pink tendrils retracted, taking the weapon into the mass.

“I think shooting it just makes it angrier,” Elise said. She cringed as she heard a crunching sound, her weapon being crushed or torn to shreds, no doubt.

“Maybe gamma radiation was a bad idea…” Twilight mused.

“I’m open to suggests,” Elise said as the pink blob began ooze forward.

“Kill it with fire!” Twilight suggested.

“Good idea!” Elise said. She reached into her pocket and produced a small remote. She ran for the door and passed the mirror out of the room. A large, black, wheeled device the mirror sat on began to follow Elise as she hit a button on the item in her hand.

“Uh… Elise? It’s chasing us…” Twilight said as she watched the pink creature ooze out of the room they had left and out into the corridor.

“I know!” Elise cried as she continued sprinting down the corridor.

The wheeled device sped along as it carried the mirror, keeping pace with the maroon haired girl.

“It’s gaining on us…” Twilight said as she continued to stare out the mirror at the blob as it oozed along at a rapid pace.

“I KNOW!” Elise cried.

Elise ducked into a room and quickly dove out again. Large, rounded cylindrical tanks where now strapped to her back and she held a large, metal nozzle at the end of a hose. She jumped in front of the mirror and pulled the trigger on the nozzle, releasing a stream of fire into the blob.

‘PHOOOOWSH!’

Fire engulfed the creature and black smoke began to pour from the burning pink ooze as it began to fall lower and lower towards the ground.

The creature made one more cry as it melted into a blacken heap on the concrete floor, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuNNNNnnnnn…”

“You did it!” Twilight cried.

Elise turned and smiled at the purple alicorn.

“Warning, fire detected in main corridor,” Elise’s voice called out from a PA system in the complex..

Elise frowned, “Uh-oh…”

‘FISSSSSSSHHHHH…’

Elise sighed, as water poured from the ceiling above her, soaking her and her lab coat.

“Hmmm…” Twilight uttered as she watched the smoldering pile of the once blob creature spread further.

“What?” Elise asked.

Twilight smiled, “Oh nothing…” She suddenly put in a serious looking expression, “I guess randomly shooting Pinkie Pie DNA with magic and rays isn’t exactly safe…”

‘… SSSSSssssssshhhh…’

Water from the sprinkles above slowed to a trickle, and soon stopped entirely.

Elise nodded her head in agreement, “It would seem so…” She suddenly smiled, “Want to see what else we can make?”

Twilight looked at Elise with wide, surprised eyes. “Elise! You almost got killed back there!”

Elise shrugged. “I’m used to it. Besides, what’s science without the risk?” she said with a smirk.

Twilight paused, “I think I have a bottle of distilled cider stashed somewhere…”

Elise chuckled, “That’s the spirit.”

Twilight attempted to stifle a giggle “Pfft…hehehehHAHAHAHAHAHA…!” The purple alicorn quickly erupted into a fit of laughter. “Hehehe…good one, Elise…” Twilight trotted up to the mirror and placed a hoof against it. “Put it there…”

Elise grinned as she bumped her fist against the mirror lightly.

“Do you think Pinkie, Dan, and Chris are doing alright?” Twilight asked.

Elise smiled, “I’m sure they’re fine. I mean… Chris would have called me if Pinkie suddenly threw herself at Dan again… Anyhow,” Elise began to walk back down the hall, hitting a button on her remote so the mirror followed, “let’s try the alpha ray generator next…”

Elise walked over the black mass of burnt ooze, paying it no mind as it bubbled from the ground below.

“Ooooh YES!” Pinkie cried. “Ooooh yes! YES… huff…puff…YESYESYES!”

“So this is what my life has become…” Dan murmured. He stared at Pinkie as she rolled around in a pile of pancakes allowing the doughy disk to cling to her syrup covered body. She would occasionally pause her rolling to grab a pancake and chomp it down in a quick few bites.

“Hey guys!” Chris called as he walked into the kitchen with his arms around a grocery bag.

“Took you long enough!” Dan cried in an irritated tone.

“Sorry, but you gave me so much!” Chris replied.

Dan paused, “Wait… did you actually spend all the money I gave you on groceries?!”

“Uh… was I not supposed to? I mean… it’s not like you can run out…” Chris said.

“IT WASN’T A CHALLENGE, YOU IDIOT!” Dan cried.

Chris sat the bag he was carrying down, “Look you wanted food, and you got it. I managed to fill the van completely. Now could you help me grab the groceries? We need to start heating up the frozen food in the microwave and eating it stat. It’s not going to last long at room temperature.”

Dan sighed, “Fine…”

Pinkie looked excitedly at the paper bag and put her weight back into her haunches. She shimmied her hindquarters back and forth as she wagged her tail. Suddenly, she pounced on the bag. There was a loud, ‘Pop!’ as orange Cheetos exploded from the bag in all directions.

“YAY!” Pinkie cried as she began to run around the room, munching Cheetos as she went.

Chris began frantically picking Cheetos off the floor and stuffing them in his face.

“Monkey-face, I thought we needed to grab groceries,” Dan said.

“Bwut Pinkie’s gwoing to eat allw thwe Cheetoos befoore I cwan gwet to thewm!” Chris protested, spitting chunks of orange snack food out as he did.

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m so sure that’s all the Cheetos you brought.”

Chris paused and swallowed the food in his mouth, “Touché, Dan. Touché.”

“Goofball,” Dan began, “are you good with…”

“Ma ma mamamama maMamamama…” Pinkie chanted over and over again as she began to roll around on the ground again, a sticky pink mass off pancakes and orange dust.

“…whatever the heck it is you’re doing?” Dan asked.

“Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed as she raised a folded pancake that was filled with Cheetos, “Call the patent office! I just invented the Cheetos-pancake-taco!”

“…Right … I’ll be right back…” Dan uttered as he and Chris made their way towards the living room.

“’Kay! Have fun!” Pinkie replied as she chomped down on her CPT and devoured it in one bite. “Oh no! my creation!” Pinkie cried. “I’ll never remember the secret formula!”

Soon Chris and Dan filled the kitchen with bags and bags of junk food as well as an assortment of healthier food choices.

Dan strained as he sat a large basket of apples on the ground, “Huff…puff…Jerk-face, why the heck did you buy an entire bushel of apples?” Dan asked.

“Well, I figured we needed some healthy food in the house!” Chris replied. “Besides, haven’t you ever wanted to buy a bushel of apples just to be among the few and proud who can say they’ve purchased an entire bushel of apples?”

“No, Duffus King, I can honestly say that thought has never occurred to me…”

Pinkie bounded up to the basket full of apples. She gasped, “I’m gonna eat all of ‘em!” she announced.

Dan sighed, “Pinkie, you can’t eat all those apples.”

“BUCK YOU I CAN’T EAT ALL THESE APPLES!” Pinkie shoved her face into the basket of apples and began rapidly chowing down on any and all of the fruit she could sink her teeth into.

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead which had begun to turn red with his constant, violent self-inflicted strikes. “Well, at least this weirdness isn’t interfering with magic science time…”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Oh my gosh, Elise!” Twilight cried, “We actually created a Pinkie clone! We’re amazing!”

Elise watched the bubbly pink mare hop around the concrete room and smiled, “I can’t believe what a little magic and some alpha radiation can do!” Elise exclaimed. “I should take a few samples, make sure it’s stable before we…”

Elise paused as the Pinkie clone suddenly began to expand in all directions, as if something was inflating it from the inside. “Fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn…” The clones pitch began to drop considerably as it continued to expand in an unnatural and painful looking manner.

‘POP!’

“Elise?!” Twilight cried as her mirror went dark. “What happened?! Are you okay?”

From the other end of the mirror, Elise made a frustrated, disgusted sound, “Elck…Yeah… I’m fine.”

“…The clone exploded, didn’t it?” Twilight asked.

“Yep,” Elise confirmed.

“How bad is it?”

“Well… apparently it was mostly made out of bubblegum and syrup…” Elise explained. “So… messy, but not nearly as nightmare inducing as one would imagine.” Elise wiped some of the pink goo off the mirror so she could once again look at Twilight, “Maybe we should try again and see if we can make a few stable clones. Might give us something we can run a few experiments against without fear of harming Pinkie.”

“But Elise,” Twilight began, “aren’t you concerned that the act of creating what may be sapient beings that will, in all likeliness, die in horrific explosions or grisly experiments is ethically and morally questionable?”

Elise’s face went blank as she thought about the alicorn’s words, “Uhhhhh…”

Twilight smirked and pointed at Elise with both her forehooves, “Gotcha!”

Elise chuckled and shook her head, “You had me worried for a second.”

“Seriously though,” Twilight said, “I bet if I scale back my magic a bit we could make something a tad less explosion prone.”

Elise nodded, “I’ll prep another sample.”

“Ready…?” Chris asked with an excited grin on his face.

Pinkie nodded, “Ready!”

The pair looked at Dan excitedly.

Dan sighed for about the hundredth time that day, “Go.”

Chris and Pinkie began chowing down on their edible monstrosities; pancakes wrapped around Cheetos and hot pockets that were, in turn, wrapped in microwaved pizzas. The latest of such creations the two had devised.

Dan shook his head as he watched the messy and grotesque display unfold, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I rather hang out with Sparklers and Elise… this is just stomach churning.”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“I’m beginning to think we could have shown a little more restraint…” Twilight mused as she scanned her eyes over the complex full of bounding Pinkie Pies.

“On the plus side, they’re exploding with far less frequency,” Elise replied.

“Fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn…”

‘POP!’

Elise quickly raised and opened an umbrella, shielding herself from the pink, gooey burst that followed the cry of one of the clones as it expanded and exploded. “See!” Elise said as she closed her goo covered umbrella, “That took way more time!”

“Well…” Twilight mused, “I can maybe try a few spells on them… Maybe at least start narrowing things down towards a human. If only they’d stand still…”

“Maybe we can lure them into a confined space or something,” Elise suggested.

Twilight nodded, “Good idea! We can figure out something to use as bait…”

Elise chuckled, “Do you think they’re all interested in Dan?”

“Fun! Fun! Fun!...”

To Twilight’s and Elise’s great surprise, the room suddenly went silent.

The Pinkie clones stopped bounding around the room and suddenly stared at Elise and Twilight, with mad, hungry grins.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“How do you suppose they even know who Dan is?” Twilight asked.

Elise shrugged, “Magical psychic connection with Pinkie, maybe?”

“I guess that makes as much sense as anything else we’ve seen today…” Twilight mused.

Elise grinned, “Anyhow, maybe we can secure them with just the promise of Dan. She looked at the group of Pinkie’s and motioned out the doorway, “Come along, Pinkie’s! Dan’s right down the hall.”

“Pinkie’s?! What the heck is going on down here?! And how do did you know I was here?” Dan demanded. “Do you have me bugged again?!”

The color drained from Elise’s face as she and Twilight froze briefly.

The Pinkies once again went silent.

Slowly Elise turned behind her, flicking a stick on the wheeled device the mirror sat on as she did so she and Twilight could face Dan with panicked looking grins.

Dan gave the two women a suspicious look before he peered pass them into the room.

‘SMACK!’

Dan slowly lowered his hand off his bright red forehead and shot a death glare at both Twilight and Elise. “Before I die in what I can only can imagine will probably the absolute most traumatizing and tragic way for me to go, I want you both to know that I despise you with every fiber of my being.”

Elise and Twilight cringed as the cries erupted behind them once more, wilder and crazier than ever.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“RUN!” Elise cried.

Elise and Dan broke into a sprint as the mirror followed behind. The crazed, ravenous cries of “Dan!” and a stampede of bouncing pink ponies behind them.