Silence hung inside the red hatchback like a collection of party balloons that had slowly lost air and were now drifting shriveled and listlessly. Elle brushed a few strands of black hair from her face as her steel grey eye took in the passing homes and palm trees of suburbia. She turned slightly and began to walk her vision over the occupants of the car’s interior.

Next to her sat Chris, arms crossed and scowl on his face, his mind clearly on his wife and this latest grim predicament. In the seat in front of Elle sat Pinkie, her curly hair spilling over on either side from her headrest. Pinkie, who was being uncharacteristically silent regardless of the circumstances. Dan sat in the driver’s seat with the demeanor of an active volcano ready to blow its top at any moment. The air in the car felt thick with emotion and Elle found herself longing for the previous chaos of Chris’s home over the quiet travel towards their destination.

Elle closed her eye and listened to the hum of the engine from the small car, but this did nothing to alleviate her nervousness. She opened her eye and looked out the window again. Pursing her lips slightly, Elle took note that the car was clearly not heading in the right direction.

A thought occurred that everyone had jumped in their vehicles without her uttering an address or so much of a heading. She bit her lip. Was… was anyone going to mention this? Should she say something? Maybe Dan was just driving around to clear his head… Would… would alerting him to the fact that he was just driving around aimlessly be a mistake and further anger him? Make him angry with her!?

Elle swallowed. Dan’s wrath was something she was desperately trying to avoid. Well… Perhaps his wrath was unavoidable. However, there was something from Dan she was desperately trying to avoid. Disappointment.

Still… Was she making it worse by not saying anything? Why wasn’t anyone else saying anything!? Was the burden to break the silence and invite ire on herself really hers and hers alon—

‘Ring!

“Ah!”

“AH!”

The backseat erupted with the sound of a ringing cell phone and the two startled occupants. Dan’s face visibly tightened. Chris reached for his phone as Elle let out a small sigh of relief.

“Hello?” Chris answered. “… Uh… That’s a good question, actually.” He turned to face the front. “Applejack wants to know where we’re going.”

Dan’s left eye ticked and he turned slightly to fire off half a scowl in Elle’s direction. “What!? I’m following her! She’s the one who got us all out of the house! Why the heck did that low-standards human apple horse get us all out if she didn’t know where we were supposed to go!?”

Pinkie’s head moved ever so slightly as she glanced at Dan. She offered no explanation.

“Uh… I’ll ask,” Chris said. “Dan wants to know why you got us out to the cars if you didn’t know where we are going.”

“This is the cable TV censored and abridged version of what I said!” snapped Dan.

“Uh-huh…” Chris said as he simply listened to the other line. “Applejack said she was eager to put a stop to you and Ash’s arguing.” Chris cringed as Applejack’s shouting could be over the phone.

“What did she say that time?” Pinkie asked.

“She also yelled at me for paraphrasing,” Chris answered.

More angry shouting came from the smartphone.

Dan’s scowl intensified. “Well maybe you should stop playing telephone between us!” he cried.

“Dan, I am literally on a telephone.”

“YES!” Dan shouted. “A small future phone with future features!”

“… What does that have to do with anything?” Chris asked.

“Put the phone in speaker mode, you unbelievable idiot!”

Elle chuckled to herself.

“Oh…” Chris uttered as he pulled the phone away from his face and pushed a button on the front.

Ash’s voice carried through the phone. “Can you hear me now?” he asked with laughter in his tone.

Dan let out a small growl. “Great. Now roll down your window, Chris.”

“…Uh… Why?”

“SO YOU CAN THROW THE PHONE AT ASHLEY’S HEAD ONCE I CATCH UP TO THAT CAR.”

“HAH!” Applejack’s voice rang out. “That red beer can you call a car would catch fire and explode if you even tried to keep up with me!”

Dan replied with a frustrated grumble as Ash’s laughter filled the hatchback.

“Anyhow,” Applejack said, “what was it that ya said to me exactly?”

“Pretty much what Chris said,” Dan replied, “except I also called you a low-standards human apple horse.”

“Hey, little man,” Ash protested. “Lay off my girlfriend and me by proxy, and stop calling her a horse!”

“Oh, cool your chainsaw motor, Ashley,” Applejack said. “Ah mean… I dunno ‘bout this apple horse bit, but if the boot fits…”

“Hey!” Ash protested once more as Dan smiled wickedly to himself.

Pinkie let out a high-pitched, annoyed, “Grrrrrr! Couldn’t you have at least said cowboy boot?”

“… No,” Applejack replied.

Pinkie responded with a sad sigh.

“So, what did you say exactly?” Dan asked.

“Sorta what Chris said, ‘cept, instead of the ‘edited for TV version’—”

“Hah!” Dan exclaimed victoriously.

“—I called what you and Ashley were doing a testostreoff pissin’ contest.”

Pinkie smiled slightly. “Heh… ‘testosteroff’…”

“Also I called you an ornery sumbitch.”

“… Alright,” Dan replied.

Chris looked over and Dan in surprise. “Wait, you're not mad?”

“About what?!” Dan answered with a shrug. “I’m ornery and my mom’s definitely a bitch.”

“Huh,” replied Chris. “You know you never really talk about your parents.”

Pinkie’s entire body tensed. She looked down at her seatbelt buckle and then out the window as if seriously considering if she could survive jumping out of the car at the speed it was going.

Ash’s irritated voice filled the air. “Do we really have to have this conversation right now?”

“… Please, no…” Pinkie said in a quiet, begging tone.

Elle glanced at Pinkie in concern, then down at the phone. “Uh, do you know where the Los Angeles Civic Center is?”

“Naw,” Applejack replied. “But guessing we can head in a downtown direction and y’all can give me the details.”

Dan frowned. “So… the possessing incident happened at Elise’s work!?”

“Um-hmm,” Elle replied.

“Elise works at the Civic Center?!” Chris cried.

Dan sighed. “Welcome to the conversation, doofus.”

“It’s technically numerous hidden floors underneath the Civic Center,” Elle answered. “Erm… But you should forget you heard that, or at least forget about it after we fix this mess.”

“Oh, what building in Los Angeles doesn’t have a secret basement or a series of underground levels to it?” Dan said dismissively.

“I don’t know,” Pinkie replied. “At this point I just kind of assumed they all did.”

“I was being rhetorical, goofball!”

“Oops… Hehe…”

“But… but…” Chris stammered. “Why hasn’t Elise ever told me she just works at the LA Civic Center?! And how do you know, Dan?!”

“Well, for a secret agent, Elise is criminally bad at keeping information under wraps. All it took was a minute with her phone and I knew where she worked… and probably about a dozen state secrets. I mean… where did you think I got that experimental jet from?”

“NOT DOWNTOWN!” Chris exclaimed angrily. He shook his head. “Elise made me wear a blindfold and I think took several extra unnecessary turns on the drive over to pull into work when we chased you,” he quipped bitterly. “She also took me through something called the ‘Fargate’ with the blindfold on, but in hindsight, that was likely just Elise shaking me while she sprayed me with a water bottle and went ‘WhoOoOoOoOoOoO’ over and over… Why would she do that?!”

“Because she’s a horrible wife and person in general?”

“Dan!” Pinkie hissed out.

Elle’s eye narrowed.

“What?” Dan replied. “A better question would have been ‘why is Chris surprised about any of this at this point in his sham marriage?’”

Chris grit his teeth. “That really is a better question…” he said, the words hissing out his clenched teeth like air coming out of a pierced tire.

Dan smiled. “Hey. This is your chance to put a violent end to your marriage! I mean… she’s apparently possessed! No court would convict you! Assuming you could convince them that demons are real.”

“Dan, shut up!” Pinkie exclaimed irritably. “I know you and Elise have a several years’ worth of history of hostility and just like… generally being total meanies to each other, but you shouldn’t encourage Chris to kill Elise just because she has to keep parts of her job secret from him! She sorta has to do it…”

Elle nodded her head in agreement.

“Even if she is criminally bad at it,” Pinkie added.

Dan raised an index finger. “Literally so.” Dan put his hand back on the wheel Dan raised his fingers up. “Anyhow, I just think we should keep our options open.”

“Uh, okay…” Ash’s said through the telephone. “As much as I hate to agree with short-round there—”

“You dress like an electronics store employee!” Dan snapped.

A belly laugh originating from Applejack filled the air.

Ash continued, irritation clearly having seeped into his voice, “—I agree you should approach this with an open mind about making some hard choices about doing what needs to be done. That being said, your lives sound profoundly f#@%ed up, and this is coming from a guy whose own life has been screwed sideways on multiple occasions.”

“My girlfriend is a pink horse seemingly made out of rubber who was transported from another dimension a few months ago before turning into a human and I have strange and awesome super powers! Those two things are related and even have to contend with a pretty strange thing sitting in the backseat of my car! I don’t know what you want from us!”

Chris’s brow creased slightly. “I’m not sure how to feel about that.”

“Not you!” Dan shouted. “You’re just part Canadian. I mean… that’s pretty weird, but hardly all that eyebrow-raising all things considered.”

Chris looked at Elle quizzically. Elle let out a nervous “Heh” and shrugged.

“...I’m not sure what to do with anything I just heard,” Ash said. “Uh, look… Since you hired me to help you out—”

“Elle did that!” Dan snapped. “What madness drove her to that decision is anyone’s guess…” Dan glanced at Pinkie. “Must be from the extra X chromosome that occasionally gives her bouts of stupidity.”

Pinkie sent a glare out the front of the car. “Just going to throw out that it’s been quite the day for me with one of my best friends being possessed and I’m also still processing the aforementioned weirdness of today on top of that, so I’m rather in an off mood right now, and that some people, especially Dan, knows what I’m like when I go completely off and maybe that’s something those people, DAN, would like to avoid.”

Dan silently blinked at Pinkie for a moment, then turned back towards the road. “… I’d like to formally apologize and retract my previous comment of laser-guided misogyny,” he stated.

“Apology and retraction accepted,” Pinkie replied flatly.

“… Still… your fault,” Dan added quietly, this statement punctuated with an “Ow!” as Pinkie punched him in the arm again.

“This!” Ash shouted. “This B.S. right here is exactly what I’m talking about! I mean… we’ve got a Deadite infestation and somehow you all have these other issues and hang-ups on top of that to deal with!”

“Oh, boo-hoo,” Dan said mockingly as he put on a faux whiny tone. “So life isn’t fair and sometimes we don’t just get to deal with a little demon possession of a military complex. Suck it up. Some of us have more important matters to deal with!”

There was a pause on the other end before Ash answered. “You have more important things to worry about than the potential end of the world?”

Chris piped up. “Well, in my case, my wife has been possessed, so I’m focused.”

“This is bigger than your wife!” Ash snapped.

Dan frowned. “I really wish Elise was fat for times like this…”

“We’re talking the utter destruction of everything you distractible screw-heads know and love, and you’re all too busy hammering out your weird personal stuff to even consider that.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Look, buddy—“

“I’m not your ‘budd—”

“Applejack!” Chris shouted out. “Please crash the passenger side into the nearest palm tree if Ash finishes that sentence.”

“Ah love this car more than I love Ashley, but I will happily pull over and hit him a few times to stop whatever it is Ah’m putting a stop to.”

“Wait,” Ash said, “did you just say you loved me? I mean… in a rather roundabout way, at least...”

Silence filled the air once again.

“… Well...” Applejack began, “Ah did say I loved this car more than you, so…”

“You love this car like it’s part of your family, and really, who could blame you. Still, you did distinctly say ‘love’ and ‘Ashley’ in the same sentence.”

“… Okay. While I admit that did happen. My intent was… Uh…”

“Uh’ what?!” Ash replied. “To make me feel bad because you love a car that cost more than what I’m getting for this Mickey Mouse show than me?”

Pinkie grinned. “I love Mickey Mouse-Ow!” she exclaimed as Dan punched her left shoulder.

“Well… uh… That is to say…”

“Okay, bored now,” Dan interrupted. “Just going to throw out there that the people in this car were catching flack for exactly what’s going on in car beta.”

“..Ah have strong, very negative, feelings regarding my baby here being called ‘car beta’.”

“Cool your German-engineered engine, babe. Short-round has a point.”

“Alright. Ah see what you’re doing here, and Ah don’t think Ah entirely approve. Plus there’s several countries that manufacture the seven series, so… ”

“Oh my G.O.D.!” Dan shouted. “Is this what it’s like to listen to us?! No wonder Best Buy there is such a sore thumb. Can we maybe talk about the whole possession and latest end of the world thing we have the misfortune of dealing with?!”

“Yes, Finally!” Chris said in an exasperated tone.

“Nice to hear you’re finally focused there, buckaroo.”

Dan’s forehead folded forward into a scowl. “Don’t pretend you weren’t distracted a few moments ago.”

Ash cleared his throat. “So, I take it since this happened in a military facility… that’s somehow in downtown L.A. I’m guessing the deadites are all armed to the teeth.”

Elle piped up. “And many of them are wearing body armor!”

“… That’s just… that’s just great…” Ash commented. “Well… I have ol’ righty… and my boomstick.”

“Plus you’re a lucky sumbitch,” Applejack commented.

“If I’m so lucky, why do I keep getting tangled up in all these horrible shit-shows?”

“Didn’t say it was all good luck,” Applejack replied, the smirk apparent in her tone.

“… Fair enough. Still, I didn’t see a single gun among you whack-jobs. Please tell me you have more up your sleeve than harsh language.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I believe I mentioned aforementioned super-powers and my pink horse girlfriend made out of rubber turned human?”

“Okay. Well, what does she do, exactly?”

“Besides beat the tar out of you?”

“I chose to remember I fell down some stairs.”

Dan smirked and looked over at Pinkie.

Pinkie simply shrugged in reply.

“… You ask good questions,” Dan said.

“Well, I have guns!” Elle replied in a chipper tone.

“What, in the trunk or something?” Ash asked.

“Nopers! I kinda carry them around with me wherever I go!” Elle replied.

“… You’re wearing the tattered remains of a body suit! Where the hell are you smuggling those things?!”

Elle chuckled. “Oh… a girl has her ways.”

Dan let out an irritated growl as Pinkie giggled.

“What about Chris?” Ash asked.

Chris frowned. “… Guys… I don’t actually know how I’m going to defend myself. It’s not like I have a weapon or any powers.”

Dan raised an index finger. “True, but you’ve got heart.”

“Ah, thanks, Dan.”

“… Thanks?” Dan frowned. “No, wait… I meant to say that you’re like the ‘heart’ of our group.”

“Uh… Thanks… still? That sounds like quite the compliment.”

Dan shook his head. “I mean like we’re all useful Planeteers and you’re ‘heart’, except you can’t talk to animals.”

Chris frowned heavily. “… Thanks, Dan,” he said, deflated.

“You’re welcome!” Dan replied in an upbeat tone. “Always happy to put you in your place.”

“Well, I still have several questions,” Ash replied. “So many, in fact, I’m not sure where to begin exactly. Just… Are you all going to put your personal problems behind you as we march into the maw of Hell on Earth through what will probably be a literal firestorm to save the f@#%ing planet?”

A series of glances were exchanged between the occupants of Dan’s car.

“No,” Dan replied flatly. “Our personal problems will come with us.”

“Oh, yeah.” Pinkie chimed in. “Definitely.”

Chris nodded in agreement. “Elise and I are STILL working on the secret agent thing, so yeah… That’s not going to be resolved anytime soon.”

“Heck,” Elle chimed in, “I’m kind of an outsider here and even I knew the answer!”

“… Just askin’,” Ash replied with a sigh. “Alright… I have another question.”

“… Really?” Pinkie asked. “Because that whole spiel you made had a sort of ‘final pep talk’ vibe to it.”

“Well yeah, but that was before I figured out we still have a bit to go before we hit downtown… friggin’ traffic. How do you people live like this?!”

“You get used to it,” Applejack replied.

“And try to have world-ending crises in the suburbs,” Dan quipped. “Or out of town.”

Pinkie rubbed her chin. “That does make things a bit more convenient.”

“The heck are you from, anyway, Ashley?” Dan asked.

“Elk Grove, Michigan,” Ash answered.

“Huh,” Dan uttered, “sounds like a hick town full of dumb white trash.”

“Dan!” Pinkie said in a chastising tone.

“What? It does!” Dan replied.

“Well, it pretty much is,” Ash replied in an even tone. “But, hey! I’m from there, so it can’t be all bad.”

“... Too easy,” Dan quipped with a smile.

Applejack chuckled. “Is it possible for someone to actually live in Elk Grove, Michigan?”

“Well,” Ash replied, “it’s certainly possible to die horribly there. I’d say you could ask my best friends or my ex-girlfriend who's possessed bodies I had to dismember, but… you know...”

“This conversation is not going where Ah thought it would, so I’m abortin’,” Applejack announced.

“Alright, real question time,” Ash said. “How the Hell did this happen? Someone read some ominous Latin out of the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis or pick up the book without saying the proper words? Totally legitimate things that sometimes happen to the best of us, by the way,” he added without a hint of sarcasm.

“Pffft, yeah right,” Dan said, “maybe some government-paid rube is stupid enough to do one of those things, but everyone in this car knows better than to do either of those things!” He turned to his right. “Right, Pinkie?”

Pinkie giggled nervously. “Sure…”

Dan eyed her suspiciously. “Okay… Then what are the words one would say if they wanted to handle the Necronomicon without unleashing an army of the undead?”

“… Klaatu, Barada, Nicktoons?”

“YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HANDLE ANY EVIL BOOKS!” Dan roared.

Pinkie put on a sullen look and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Just like middle school…”

“I know the words,” Chris said.

“Well, of course you do,” Dan replied. “But let’s give my clan a chance to redeem itself.”

Elle shifted nervously in her seat.

“… What?” Chris said.

“Elle,” Dan said, “the words if you please.”

“… Er… Uh…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Well, young lady? We’re waiting!”

Elle cleared her throat. “Klaatu, Barada, Nict—” Elle raised a fist to her mouth and let out a few coughs. “Oh-okay then!” Elle said confidently with a smile that certainly did not match. “That’s it.”

The car went silent.

“Seems legit,” Ash commented.

Dan angrily yanked his steering wheel to the right causing the small car to roughly pass over a small cement bump that divided freeway from offramp with the heavy protest of metal scraping cement. The other people in the car let out yelps of surprise as Chris tightened his grip on his phone. The sound of rubber squealing against asphalt filled the air as Dan pulled the car over to a patch of green vegetation next to the road just in front of a chain link fence. The fence blocked off a small hill full of the odd tree and greenery. A silver sedan behind Dan’s car honked in protest and pulled around Dan’s hatchback as he turned that hazard lights on.

“What in tarnation is goin’ on?!” Applejack cried.

Pinkie smiled triumphantly. “Finally.”

Dan turned around and glared icicles at Elle. “Tell me it wasn’t you who caused this whole mess.”

“Uh… Well…” Elle swallowed. “I guess I can tell you anything you want…”

Dan let out a rage-filled growl and pulled back his fist. Elle replied with a scared cry as she put her hands over her face. Dan began angrily striking Elle’s arms repeatedly.

“YOU!”

‘Smack!’

“Ah!”

“SHOULD!”

‘Pow!’

“Ow!”

“KNOW!”

‘Thud!’

“Owchies!”

Dan pulled his fist back as far as he could and clenched his fist as tight as he could and took aim. “BETTER!” he cried.

Elle peeked from behind her hands and clamped down on her teeth as she prepared herself for a solid blow to her, only somewhat protected, face region, but the blow never came.

Dan turned and scowled at Pinkie who had reached out and grabbed his arm before he could hit Elle again. Pinkie returned the scowl and shook her head, staring directly into Dan’s emerald eyes with her sky blue ones. Dan growled and roughly pulled his arm out of Pinkie’s grip as he turned to glare out of the front of the car.

“Uh…” Ash’s unsure tone drifted into the car through Chris’s car. “Are you all okay?”

“NO!” Dan exclaimed. “I am a wealth of disappointment!”

Elle let out a sad whimper.

“Clearly,” Ash replied causing Dan to snarl. “I just meant physically.”

“Uh…” Chris chimed in, “Aside from Dan hitting Elle, we’re fine… I think.”

“You know,” Ash said, “responsible for Deadites or not, you really shouldn’t hit a lady.”

“Ah disagree,” Applejack interjected, “Ah can think of several reasons to punch a woman… Heck… Not even sure what gender has to do with this situation.”

Ash attempted a counter-argument but immediately lost steam. “Yeah well, Dan is… uh…”

“Shorter than Elle who seems to be some sort of government super spy?” Applejack countered. “Ah mean, hitting her doesn’t fix our current situation, but I can think of other reasons to hit someone that aren’t nearly as bad and it’s not like Dan has her at a disadvantage or anything…”

“Well… he kinda does,” Pinkie clarified. “And, I just want to say I object to Dan hitting Elle on principle.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Because she’s a girl?”

“Nopers. Other reason,” Pinkie said as she glanced back at Elle.

“Hey,” Dan protested, “the fact that she’s our daughter should give us implicit permission to hit her!”

“… What?” Chris uttered. This single word sentiment was echoed by the others over the phone.

Elle smacked a palm against her face.

Pinkie gave Dan an irritated sideways glance and kept talking without missing a beat. “Why? Because your parent’s hit you and, what, you turned out okay?!” she said mockingly.

Wordlessly, Dan’s face tightened as he scowled at Pinkie Pie. Glare still on his face, Dan calmly undid his seatbelt, opened his car door, and stepped outside. Slamming the door behind him, he loudly and angrily grumbled to himself as he walked up to the shot-chain-link fence and climbed it, letting out a few loud growls of frustration as he made his way up and over. Dropping down to the other side, Dan began climbing the short but steep hill and disappeared behind it.

Pinkie sighed and massaged her temples slightly, before she too undid her seatbelt, and got out of the car, closing the door behind her. She followed Dan, placing her hand on top of the fence and practically clearing it with a single jump before bounding up the hill after him.

Chris watched Dan and Pinkie leave with a bewildered look on his face, then turned to stare at Elle wordlessly.

Her right palm pressed against her forehead, Elle simply motioned out towards the front of the car. “And this is exactly why I didn’t want to get my parents involved… Not to mention my dad hits really hard!”

Silence returned to the car for a moment until Ash spoke over the phone. “Alright, I somehow have even more questions after that exchange, but I’ll settle for pointing out that’s exactly what I’m talking about regarding you people’s weird personal stuff.”

Applejack chimed in. “Says the guy who mentioned hacking up his girlfriend.”

“…”

“Ah can tell from the silence on the other line and Ashley’s expression that Ah just crossed a line, so Ah’m just gonna shut up for a bit.”