The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.
Chapter 121 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F. Test

The group of bakery employees, wife of one employee, an ex-ninja baker, and nerdy girl stared out across the vast open area at the various compartmentalized ‘rooms’ sitting under their raised platform. They paid special attention to the dangers many of those areas seemed to possess.

Amber sighed heavily. “I can’t believe I gave up anger management and couple’s counseling so I could get horribly mangled in some underground obstacle course of death.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh whine, whine, whine. Do you ever get tired of reminding us about your old job?”

Chris spoke up, “You do mention it a lot.”

“Seriously,” Pinkie chimed in. “You’re can be a real Debbie-Downer at times!”

Elise glanced at Pinkie. “Wait, she seriously goes on like this at work?”

“Only all the frickin’ time!” Pinkie exclaimed as she threw her hands out in front of her. “Omn…”

Amber scowled up into open air. “Oh right, I quit because of you four. Yet somehow I find myself in another dangerous situation thanks to my association with you.”

Dan glanced at Gibson. “Hey teen-guy-boy, looks like someone’s whining their way into sacrificial lamb position. You might just be the second to die.”

“Uh… yay?” Gibson replied.

“Look,” Amber said, “working as a social psychologist wasn’t exactly fulfilling, but it’s not like my life was in constant danger.”

Caspar leered down at Amber with a toothy grin. “Don’t worry, if you get injured, I’m sure we can call a wambulance for you.”

Amber put on a sullen expression as the group around her bursts into fits of laughter. Caspar exchanged a quick high five with Balthazar, and even Melchior extended a palm forward which Caspar lightly hit.

“Well then,” Balthazar said, “if everyone is done complaining…” He stared at Amber with his good eye. “You are done complaining, right?”

Amber scrunched her brow and frowned. “Yes, I’m done.”

“Are you sure?” Balthazar continued. “We can have a short break before we begin.”

“I’m fine! Alright?!”

Balthazar grinned. “Maybe you’d like something to eat first? Perhaps some cheese?”

Amber raised an eyebrow. “Cheese?”

Balthazar grinned wide. “To go with your ‘whine’.”

The group burst into another fit of laughter as Amber folded her arms across her chest and glanced to her side grumpily.

“Hahahaha, she fell for it!” Caspar cried. “No one ever falls for that one!”

Balthazar turned and grinned. “I know, right? This is probably the most entertaining group we’ve had and we haven’t even really started yet.”

“Can we move on, please?” Amber cried.

Melchior spoke up. “It seems to me it’s not us who needs to move on.”

Amber scowled up as everyone bursts into another round of laughter.

Caspar stopped laughing long enough to add, “Even Melchior is getting on this, I better tell 911 to send a fire truck too and tell them to prepare their equipment for horrible burn injuries.”

Amber’s eye twitched. “Does anyone else want to take a shot at me?” she uttered grumpily. “I seem to have a target drawn on my back today.”

Gibson grinned. “Would you like to borrow my phone and headphones? I can get Fallout Boy loaded up for you…”

Amber smacked a palm against her face. “Wow, getting picked on by a desperate teenager. I’ve hit a brand new low…”

Gibson continued, “Oh, I have Treble Charger too. I even have Linkin Park.”

“… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… ”

Amber huffed out an angry, exasperated sigh. “I think I’ll go sit in the hallway and think about how much I hate you all.”

“Linkin Park it is!” Gibson said with a smile.

“ALRIGHT ALREADY!” Amber cried angrily. “I GET IT! NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET STARTED WITH THE TESTS THAT I’M SURE WILL PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!”

Gibson scrunched his lips slightly. “I better add My Chemical Romance to the playlist…”

Amber let out a low growl and turned to Dan. “Grrrrr…. Dan, can I please hit him?!”

Dan shook his head. “Sorry, he’s currently a lot funnier than you. You better step things up if you want your minor beating privileges returned.”

Amber sighed heavily.

Elise looked at the different obstacles and raised her hand. “Can non-bakery employees participate?” she asked the trio of men.

Becky and Ninja Dave’s eyes widened as they both uttered sounds of distress.

“Absolutely not,” Melchior replied.

Becky and Ninja Dave breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“Ah, dis,” Elise uttered.

Chris turned to his wife and raised an eyebrow. “You’re disappointed?”

Elise shrugged. “I enjoy a good potentially deadly obstacle course every now and again.”

“Any other questions?” Balthazar asked.

Dan glanced back at the group. “Does anyone else need to gripe about what’s gone wrong with their life? Crunchy?”

“It’s all good, brah.”

“D.H.?”

“My life is awesome! Thanks for asking!”

“Sarge?”

“Doin’ fine, sir!”

“Chris?”

“You know, even with the somewhat high chance of death here, this is probably still something of a high point of my life.”

Dan nodded. “Kid-whose-name-I-can’t-be-bothered to commit to memory?”

“I’m good,” Gibson replied.

“Really?” Dan asked raising an eyebrow. “You don’t want to talk about your girl troubles even though you know the longer we draw this out, the better chance Pinkie has of running out of cookies before we finish?”

Pinkie raised a cookie to her mouth and took a bite. “Omn…”

“Dan,” Elise began in a chastising tone, “the only one drawing this out is you!”

“Hey, guess what obnoxious-girl-who's-not-employed-by-the-bakery?! No one asked you!”

Elise narrowed her eyes at Dan. “You’re just lucky you’re running this whole thing.”

“Oh, yap, yap, yap. Fine, since I’m apparently playing Mr. Sympathetic Ear to the whole world, Ninja Dave?”

“I’m probably not going to die, so I’m good, dude.”

“Becky?”

“Ninja Dave is probably not going to die, so I’m also good.”

“Wally?”

“Well, since you asked. I’m really kind of uncomfortable with this entire situation.”

Dan sighed and folded his arms over his chest. “What is it?”

“Well, it is my bakery and you’re sort of calling the shots here.”

“What do you want from me?!” Dan cried. He motioned up at the trio of me sitting atop their chairs. “The shadowy trio of bizarre old men already said they rather talk to me!”

Caspar nodded. “Sorry, but it’s true! Nothing personal, it’s just that Dan here seems to have much more presence.”

Wally looked up at Caspar and frowned. “But—”

Caspar held up a hand. “Just a second, I have something for just such an occasion…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a violin that appeared to be no more than an inch long as well as a tiny violin bow. He grasped the tiny instrument in a thumb and forefinger and pinched the bow in his other thumb and forefinger. “Alright, I’m ready.”

Wally sighed. “Never mind.”

“Wally,” Pinkie said in a maternal tone, “the nice man just pulled out the world’s smallest violin that I’m sure he keeps on hand for just such an occasion. The least you can do is humor him.”

Caspar smiled at Pinkie. “Thank you, dear. I’m glad someone here appreciates the arts.”

Pinkie smiled back as she took another bite of her cookie. “Omn…”

Wally frowned heavily but spoke his grievances anyhow, “Well, I opened this bakery because it was something of a dream of mine…”

Balthazar, Melchior, and indeed everyone around Wally stifled laughter as Caspar played a sad, yet rather high-pitched tune on his instrument. “Mmmm-hmmmm?” he hummed out.

Wally crinkled his brow as he stared up at Caspar, but continued, “… And at first things were slow, very slow. I thought I’d have to close shop almost as soon as I began. However, Dan and Pinkie managed to fix that.”

Many of Wally’s employees began laughing as Caspar continued to play his sorrowful song at high octaves.

“Go on…” Caspar urged.

“… Well, it’s just seems like even though my name is on the building, Dan and Pinkie run the place however they see fit. The whole situation makes me feel like I’m just another person at the bakery making sure it stays afloat. I mean, even here Dan has essentially taken over.”

Pinkie walked up and placed a sympathetic hand on Wally’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Wally, I had no idea you felt this way…”

Dan merely huffed out an irritated sound and said nothing.

Caspar stopped playing. “Yes, I do believe I see the problem.”

Wally looked up with a hopeful expression. “You do?”

Caspar nodded. “We need to invent a smaller violin!” he said with a smile.

Everyone burst into laughter once more. Even Pinkie who had tried to show sympathy to Wally quickly found containing her laughter difficult and she broke into a fit of giggles.

Wally sadly trudged next to Amber. “Mind if I stand here and be sad with you?”

Amber shrugged. “Fine, go ahead…”

Pinkie gleefully bounded up to the pair. “Pity party!” she cried as she quickly produced colorful party hats out of seemingly nothing and placed them on Wally and Amber’s heads.

The sullen expressions on Amber and Wally’s faces only increased as Pinkie brought a noise maker up to her lips and blew it. She followed this up by tossing confetti into the air and declaring, “Yay! We’re all sad!”

Dan glanced at Pinkie. “Pinkie? Anything bugging you?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Yepper!”

Dan’s expression turned serious. “And that would be?”

“It’d be really nice if I didn’t die!” Pinkie declared.

“Oh, then we better get started then,” Dan replied. He looked up at the three men.

Balthazar nodded. “Very well! Without further ado, we shall start with a line of questions!” He turned to Caspar. “Caspar, I believe a random choice is in order.”

Caspar grinned wide. A wicked, toothy smile accompanied by wild looking eyes. “Ah, yes… random. When we roll the dice and see what fate has in store for us. A wonderful way to abandon all semblance of order and let chaos rule supreme.”

“I’m the queen of random!” Pinkie declared.

Caspar nodded. “Very well, then I randomly choose you!”

Dan furrowed his brow. “What?”

Caspar motioned to Balthazar. “Balthazar? The questions if you please.”

Balthazar nodded as he smiled at Pinkie. “Alright girl, what is your name?”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Pinkie answered cheerfully. “But you can just call me ‘Pinkie Pie’!”

“What is your quest?”

“I want to join NAR—ER, the N.A.R.F. so people will stop trying to kill me if I go to a restaurant!”

“What is your favorite color!?”

Melchior sighed as Caspar made a small fist pump.

“D’uuuuh!” Pinkie said. “Pink, of course!”

Balthazar nodded in satisfaction. “Good! You have passed the first round.”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “Omn…”

Dan folded his arm and looked up a sullen expression. “Seriously, the first round of questions is a skit?”

Balthazar grinned. “Would you prefer I asked what the airspeed velocity of—”

“24 miles per hour and Ashur, Calah, Dur Sharrukin, and Nineveh depending on when you’re talking about,” Dan answered impatiently as he tapped his foot on the ground.

Balthazar and Caspar exchanged a quick glance before they turned back towards Dan.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow. “How did you know—”

“I have been preparing for this moment since I was six years old,” Dan said.

“Uh… I see…” Balthazar replied. He smiled. “Very well. Congratulations! Your group has passed the first test.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan said. “When are we going to move onto something dangerous?”

“Patience, angry one,” Balthazar said. “Well get to the dangerous tests soon enough.”

“Good,” Dan replied, “because I have some dead weight I’m hoping to get rid of.”

Gibson spoke up, “Amber’s still the ‘sacrificial lamb’, right?”

“Well, she has managed to be the most irritating as of late, so yeah.”

Amber scowled at Dan.

Gibson nodded. “Alright, good.”

“Hey!” Amber cried as she turned to Gibson.

“Sorry,” Gibson replied, “but I’m young! I’ve got so much to do still!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “I can’t imagine what.”

“Dan,” Pinkie said as she looped an arm around Dan’s, “do you think maybe we can try to get through these tests without anyone dying?”

Dan frowned. “But Amber is being all whiny! And that teenage kid is annoying!”

Pinkie nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t mean you should try sending them to their deaths if you can avoid it!” Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I’d be super-dee-duper sad if anyone died because of me!”

“Oh, alright…” Dan said begrudgingly. “But you owe me big if we get through this without anyone dying!”

“Dan, if we make it through this without anyone dying, I’ll let you do that thing to me you’ve always wanted to doooo~” Pinkie cooed.

Dan eyes lit up. “You mean—?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down as she gave Dan an alluring smile.

Elise shook her head. “I don’t even want to know.”

“Second,” Becky chimed in.

Caspar raised his hand. “I do!”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… It’s—”

“Whoa!” Amber chimed in. “Should I cover Gibson’s ears for this?”

“Hey!” Gibson said in a protesting tone.

Pinkie blinked. “Does Gibson have some sort of fear of polished nails?”

Chris crinkled his brow. “Wait, if we all live, Dan gets to paint your nails?!”

Dan smiled. “And I know the color I’m going to paint them and everything!”

Becky turned to Pinkie. “That seems uh… kind of pedestrian for you two…”

“Kind of!” Amber cried. “That sounds like normal people behavior. I’m actually more worried it isn’t something completely bizarre!”

Pinkie shrugged and raised a pink-nail-polished hand. “I guess I’m just a bit attached to this shade.”

“Moving on,” Balthazar said. “You won’t be able to complete the tests without something to serve.” He motioned to one of the closest areas by the platforms. “Below is a kitchen full of baking supplies.”

“Ooooo~!” Pinkie exclaimed as she looked over a series of stainless steel ovens, work surfaces, fridges, a number of cupboards, and a collection of sinks. “Fancy and shmancy! Omn…”

Balthazar continued, “You may use the ingredients we have provided to bake your goods. Do your best. The food you make now will be what you use on many of the following tests, and mistakes made here could follow you until the very end of the examination.”

Pinkie bounded down to the kitchen area quickly followed by everyone else in the group. She quickly made her way to a cupboard and threw it open. Her happy expression turned to dread as her eyes wandered over the ingredients. Words like ‘imitation’ and ‘flavored’ jumped out at her from the labels on the items. She felt as if the words were swirling around her, taunting her with their qualities that were mere pale comparisons of the real items they were modeled after and haunting her with the tasks she might be forced to do with them.

She brought her hands up to the sides of her head and tensed her fingers up into claws, digging into her skin slightly with her nails. “Dan!” she wailed in distress. “I can’t work with this!”

“Work with— Oh…” Dan said as he caught up to Pinkie and stared into the cupboard.

Pinkie began to sniffle as tears welled up in her eyes.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Dan said as he placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “You’re the best baker I know! I’m sure you can make something great with all this.”

Pinkie quickly wrapped her arms around Dan’s torso and held him tight. “But Dan, I don’t like all these imitation ingredients! They don’t taste right! I can’t make good baked goods out of this stuff! It’s horrible and bad, and I hate it, and I wish it would all just vanish in a puff of smoke,” she cried shrilly.

“Good! Use your aggressive feelings, girl! Let the hate flow through you!” Melchior cried dramatically from his seat high above the kitchen area.

Pinkie broke her embrace with Dan and stared at Melchior briefly. “Erm… what exactly are you suggesting here?”

“Do not hesitate! Show no mercy!”

Dan shot the cloaked figure a confused look. “Wait… Are you encouraging Pinkie to channel her anger into being productive at baking or just be angry in general…?”

‘Phwooooosh!’

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried in a not-so-convincing tone. “The cupboard full of horrible ingredients that are bad and that no one should eat caught fire somehow!” she said as she held Dan’s hipflask in one hand, and his golden zippo lighter in the other.

Dan checked his pockets quickly then motioned to Pinkie. “Because that just happened.”

Melchior cackled. “Gooood, gooood…”

Balthazar furrowed his brow at the flaming cupboard. “Well, that’s certainly a new approach. I’m not sure I can approve of this… Even if Melchior sort of accidentally encouraged it. Caspar…?” he said as he turned to the man in the brown suit.

Caspar smiled and motioned to Pinkie. “I like her. She has good initiative and she’s unpredictable. I say we let her decide what she’ll bake with.”

Balthazar gave out an exasperated sigh as he turned towards Pinkie. “Alright girl, have it your way. What ingredients would you like to work with?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Pinkie said. She smiled wide as she pulled a piece of paper out of her hair. She quickly bounded up to Balthazar and handed him the list.

“My, my…” Balthazar said as he looked over the list. “This is quite an extensive ingredients list for baking…” He smiled. “Sounds interesting.” He lowered the list and looked back at Pinkie. “Alright, we’ll simply move on to a test that doesn’t involve food while a member of our rank collects these.” Balthazar looked up at Ninja Dave. “Ninja, step forward!”

“Uh, yes sir?” Ninja Dave said as he walked up the steps.

Balthazar handed Dave the list, reached into his robe, and pulled out a wallet. He quickly retrieved a number of bills and also handed them to Dave. “Make yourself useful and pick these up. You can even bring your girlfriend along.”

“Yes, sir!” Ninja Dave said.

“Oh, and bring back a receipt,” Balthazar said. “I’ll be expecting change.”

“Uh…” Ninja Dave nodded. “Of course sir.”

“As a matter of fact…” Balthazar paused long enough to produce another list and a few more bills. “Get these as well.”

Ninja Dave looked over the new list. “Are you sending me to get your grocery shopping?”

Balthazar smiled and nodded. “Absolutely.” He leveled an index finger at Dave. “You can consider it punishment for allowing outsiders into our secret headquarters.”

Dave swallowed. “Uh, yes sir. That sounds very fair.”

Balthazar nodded. “I thought you’d say that.” He motioned to the double doors. “Now, go.”

Ninja Dave bowed before quickly disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Becky frowned. “Uh, dude? Are you forgetting— Aah!” Becky cried out in alarm as Ninja Dave silently appeared behind her and grabbed her arm, pulling her back towards the raised platform. The two quickly made their way back up and then out the double doors.

The three men refocused their attention to Dan.

“Well, while we’re waiting, let’s move on, shall we?”

Dan nodded. “So what are we going to test without food? Do we need to run through your gauntlet of traps? Establish our physical dominance over dangerous and wild animals, perhaps?”

The others in the group put on worried expressions.

Balthazar chuckled. “In time… However, your next test might be the most grueling, the most mentally challenging. Even the strongest and bravest have been reduced to a heap of tears as they attempted to complete it. Their bravado and determination having been shown wanting in the face of a challenge that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most valiant.”

“Alright already! Just tell us what it is!” Dan cried out. “We’re not afraid.”

Chris raised his hand. “I’m afraid.”

Dan shot him a glare. “Quiet Monkey-face, no one asked you!”

Balthazar grinned wickedly. “You must face…”

His next words sent a shiver through the group and even the most stalwart and dedicated felt their resolve waver as the realization of what they would be forced to do set in.

“…the MATH TEST!”