The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt
Chapter 110 Dan Vs. Disguises

Author’s notes: I somehow wrote a chapter that’s steamier than usual while these two weirdos look for a couch. Not sure if I even have a percentage of readers that would find this irksome if you’ve all gotten this far, but I figured I’d put a warning here anyhow.

Dan parked his red hatchback down the street from both the first ‘Great Will’ he and Pinkie had to flee due to Pinkie setting fire to a couch and the ‘Salvation Armed Forces’ store across from it. Dan scowled out at the green-and-brown-camo colored Salvation Armed Forces store with its red-overhang, his eyes narrowing further as he looked at the garage that had the words ‘DONATE YOUR VEHICLE HERE’ painted in white over red. His scowl turned to a glare as he spied a muscular man ringing a bell and wearing a military-style uniform- complete with medals and patches.

“I say we just go right up to him”— Dan pulled his lips up into a sneer as he held claw-like fingers in front of his chest—“AND TEAR OUT HIS LARYNX!”

Pinkie shot Dan a small knowing grin. “I think it’s a little early to resort to murder.”

“You always say that!” Dan snapped back.

“Well, how often do we actually end up having to kill someone to get what we want when I do say it?”

Dan sighed and grumbled something softly under his breath.

Pinkie put a hand up to her ear as her smile widened. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“I said ‘never’, alright!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded satisfactorily.

“Well, if we’re not just going to kill him, what do you propose we do?” Dan asked as he motioned out to the store.

“Alright, hear me out,” Pinkie said.

Dan rolled his eyes. “How often does that phrase start off anything good?”

Pinkie continued, “Now, this is going to sound crazy—”

“‘Regular crazy’ or crazy even by your standards?”

“Uh…” Pinkie stopped and thought about this. She frowned as she thought about this. “Crazy by my standards in that it would sound reasonable from a normal person’s point of view.”

“Ulg,” Dan uttered in disgust. “Normie tactics… Fine, continue.”

“I suggest we just walk into the store like a couple looking for a couch.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried in disbelief. “Just walk in? No violence?”

“Dan!” Pinkie cried. “We should only resort to violence as a last resort!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Says the woman who set a couch on fire and detonated high explosives in a building today.”

Pinkie leaned closer to Dan as she flung her hands in the air. “That couch tried to give me lockjaw and that store looked like it wanted to do the same!” she cried in a shrill tone. Pinkie folded her arms. “Also, neither was violence carried out against a person.”

“Fine!” Dan huffed out. “Then why don’t we just blow a hole in the wall and enter from the side?!”

“We don’t even know if there’s a couch in there we want yet!” Pinkie replied. “It’s going to hard to make a decision if we’re fighting off trained members of the Salvation Armed Forces. I mean, he hit you multiple times with a bell, you sicced dogs on him. I’m sure we can at least try to call it squarezees here before we immediately attack him.”

“… But we will attack him if we have to, right?” Dan asked.

Pinkie sighed, “Oh Dan… Of course!”

Dan grinned. “Alright, you have a point.” He frowned. “But you don’t even want to wear a disguise, or anything?”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Alright, forget what I said about just walking in. We should totally put on disguises first!”

Dan grinned. “That’s my girl.”

The muscular man standing by The Salvation Armed Forces store briefly stopped ringing his bell and looked up. He smiled at the approaching couple. A smile that quickly gave way to a look of confusion as he examined them.

The male of the pair sported a mustache and was sharply dressed in a grey suit complete with a top hat, monocle, and cane. Wow, if this guy's trying to communicate he’s ‘well off’ through his clothing, then mission accomplished.

The woman was almost absolutely stunning with long, curly pink hai that cascaded over her right eye and down her back. She wore a strapless sparkling red dress that seemed to defy gravity as it hugged her chest and waist and flowed down her shapely thighs, covering her front and back. Two slits down the side showed off her legs as she walked forward on a pair of red high heels. A pair of purple-arm-length gloves completed her ensemble. Ignoring the fact that her outfit didn’t exactly look like anything someone would walk around outside in, the only oddity about the woman was the black mustache under her nose.

“Uh… Welcome to the Salvation Armed Forces,” the muscular man said as the couple approached.

“Thank you, my good man,” the well-dressed male of the pair replied. “I am Mr. Moneybags,”—he motioned to the woman next to him—“and this is my wife, Jessica.”

‘Jessica’ held up a hand, the back facing up as she allowed her dainty fingers to dangle underneath. “Charmed, I’m sure” she said simply.

The muscular man took the gloved hand and gave it a little shake. “Uh, welcome…” Despite the bombshell of a woman in front of him. The Salvation Armed Forces worked couldn’t help but focus on the black mustache as he let go of the hand.

Mr. Moneybags chuckled. “She’s a vision, isn’t she? She won second prize in a beauty contest.”

“Uh… she’s a sight, alright…” The muscular man resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he added, “I can’t even imagine how she didn’t come in first…”

“DARLING!” Jessica exclaimed simply before she bent down and wrapped her arms around her husband.

The muscular man crinkled his brow slightly and turned back towards Mr. Moneybags. “What brings you two… uh to our fine establishment?”

“Couch hunting, my dear boi!” Mr. Moneybags replied. “Jessica and I are on the search for the finest couch money can buy, and our journey has taken us to your humble store.” Mr. Moneybags pointed to the Salvation Armed Forces store with his cane.

The muscular man knitted his brow and stared back at his store. ‘Humble’ seems about right… especially if these two actually have money to throw around…’ “Well uh… if you don’t mind me asking, what brings you here, specifically? I mean… certainly a man of your… stature could afford a new couch.”

Mr. Moneybags nodded. “Indeed, but such couches have not yet proven their worth. My wife and I and desire not only quality but durability as well.” Mr. Moneybags turned to Jessica. “Isn’t that right, dear?”

Jessica said nothing, apparently having lost focus on the conversation as grinned mischievously to herself and twirled her mustache.

Mr. Moneybags elbowed Jessica slightly. “Dear?!”

“OH! Erm…DARLING!” Jessica exclaimed again as she wrapped her arms around her husband.

“Oh… uh… I guess that makes sense…?” The employee replied, trailing off at the end. “Anyhow, I won’t keep you.” He motioned to the store with his bell. “Plenty of couches inside.”

“Thank you my good man, keep up the good work.” Mr. Moneybags said.

The muscular man saluted. “Thank you, sir!” He followed the couple with his eyes until they walked into the store and scratched the back of his head. There was something familiar about that man… If only I… He shrugged. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. He smiled as he went back to ringing his bell.

A bell rang as Dan pushed open the door to the store and he and Pinkie walked inside. Dan paid no mind to their unclean-looking surroundings, yellowing wall, and shelves and walls stacked high with miscellaneous used items. Instead, Dan focused his attention on Pinkie, glowing up at her with a sour expression on his face.

“What happened back there?!” Dan said in a demanding tone. “You almost blew our whole cover!”

“Sorry, Dan!” Pinkie offered. She giggled as she continued to twirl her mustache. “I just really like the feeling of wearing this mustache.”

“Be that as it may, would you take that thing off?!” Dan cried as he motioned to the mustache. “You’re drawing undue attention to yourself!”

Pinkie shook her head. “No way!” she cried. “I’d rather have guys stare at my mustache instead of my chest.” She grinned and wrung her hands together. “Besides, it helps me focus on our covert mission.”

Dan rolled his eyes as the couple walked into the store. Both he and Pinkie got their fair share of odd looks.

“All I’m saying is you have a perfectly good disguise and you’re wrecking it with an unnecessary addition!”

“But it makes me feel mischievous! The perfect accessory for our scheme.”

“Right, the high stakes game of buying a couch incognito,” Dan replied.

“Ahh, don’t be like that!” Pinkie replied. “It’s not like we haven’t had lots of fun on this hunt!”

Dan sighed, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Pinkie paused and placed her a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

Dan shook his head. “Nothing! Let’s just take a look at their couches!”

Pinkie focused her sky-blue eyes on Dan’s emerald ones. “Don’t you try to ‘nothing’ me, mister! I may not be very good at figuring out when other people or ponies are upset, but I can at least tell when you are.”

Dan broke eye contact and mumbled something under his breath.

Pinkie frowned and leaned in closer. “Didn’t catch that…”

“… I really want to see you without that mustache.”

Pinkie pulled back slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Is that all?”

Dan nodded.

Pinkie pondered this briefly. “Weeeell… Okay!” she said with a smile. Pinkie pulled the mustache off and placed her hands on her hips. “There!”

The shop went quiet as almost every pair of male eyes and even a couple women’s all turned and focused their attention on Pinkie.

Pinkie sighed. “See! I told you everyone would stare!”

“Pinkie, please put the mustache back on,” Dan said as his usually pale cheeks began to turn red.

Pinkie folded her arms under her chest, which did absolutely nothing to stop the staring as she accidently added support to her bosom. “Why?! I thought you wanted me to take it off!”

“I did!” Dan cried. “However now that it’s off, I’m fighting the urge to ravish you in public.”

Pinkie’s already lightly pink cheeks turned a couple shades pinker as she leaned down, placed her glove-covered hands on Dan’s cheeks and kissed him on the lips. “Awwww, you’re sweet.”

A jealous murmur rose up through the store as, in addition to the kiss, Pinkie’s position offered Dan a perfect view down her dress.

Dan’s eye twitched. “Urge to ravish you rising!”

A mischievous grin spread across Pinkie’s face. She pulled Dan’s face closer to her chest as she leaned her head next to his.

Dan’s blush turned luminescent. “Pinkie, what are you—”

Pinkie’s lips brushed against Dan’s as she spoke in a low, husky voice, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way…”

Dan’s eyes shot open wide as he felt heat shoot through his body. “You have three seconds to get that mustache back on before I take you in front of this gawking mass of thrift store shoppers.”

“Eeep!” Pinkie cried as she broke her hold on Dan and quickly reapplied the mustache. “Better?”

Dan took a deep breath. “Aside from the fact that I’m going to be consumed with lust until we sort this out, much. Now let’s see if we can find a couch to bring home so I can throw you on it.”

Pinkie giggled as she began to walk off into the store. “Works for me, now let’s—”

Without warning, Dan quickly grabbed hold of one of Pinkie’s shoulders and closed the distance between himself and Pinkie until he was pressed against her posterior.

“Ah! Dan what are you…” Pinkie paused as she felt something hard press against her. “Oh…” she uttered as realization set in. Pinkie giggled. “Is that your cane, or are you just happy to—”

“You know what it is!” Dan growled out quietly.

“Hehehe… Do I know how to pick disguises, or what?”

“You have no one to blame but yourself, you know…” Dan muttered in a mildly embarrassed tone.

“Teehee…That was the plan, to give you a bone—OW!” Pinkie felt a sharp pinch on her neck courtesy of Dan tightening his grip briefly. Pinkie paused and continued, “…And you got one!” she said with a manic grin.

Dan began to speak in a low, grumbly tone as his face remained beet red, “You’re getting off on messing with me like this, aren’t you?”

Pinkie turned to her left to look at Dan over her shoulder and held up her hand, holding her thumb and forefinger a short distance from each other to signify ‘a little bit’.

Dan sighed quietly as he began to speak, “What happened to reeling in our displays of public affection?”

“I don’t know…” Pinkie said as she looked down at her outfit. “I’m not normally dressed like this...” Pinkie paused and rubbed the end of her mustache in her thumb and forefinger. “…Or wearing this mustache.”

The couple walked a little further into the store, Dan keeping himself firmly pressed against Pinkie. As the two neared the furniture section, Pinkie gasped. “Dan! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?!”

“If what you’re seeing is the perfect Couchy 2, then yes… yes I am seeing that.”

“Oh my gosh, Dan!” Pinkie cried as she bounded forward on her high heels to a simple red couch on a wooden frame. “Couchy had a twin!”

Dan smiled and nodded. “And it’ll match the easy chair!”

“Hurray for status quo being restored!” Pinkie cried. “Could you imagine if something so central to our way of living was destroyed and we had to replace it with something completely new?! I mean, that would be tragic!”

Dan frowned. “Now we have to figure out a way to get it home.”

Pinkie turned and held both Dan’s hands in her own. “Oooo! Oooo! Maybe we could strap it to the top of the car!” she suggested.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Are you kidding? The car has trouble going uphill if there’s four of us in it!”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie hummed as she looked around the store. “You know… there’s probably enough material here that I’m sure I could make some sort of rocket sled to get the couch home…”

Dan frowned. “You already used a great deal of our explosives.”

“Oh shoot!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You’re right. Well, gyrocopter then...”

“But I’d have to drive the car back and miss out on gyrocopter couch adventures!” Dan wined.

“Awww,” Pinkie uttered as she smiled behind her mustache. “I’m sure Couchy 2 and I wouldn’t have too much fun before we got home!”

Dan sighed, “Oh… alrigh—”

“YOU!”

Dan and Pinkie jumped slightly and turned as the muscular man that was in front of the store walked up to them at a brisk pace. “I thought I recognized you.”

Dan and Pinkie tensed up as the man stopped a few feet away.

“Uh… you did?” Dan asked.

The man nodded with a serious expression.

Dan forward and whispered to Pinkie, “Get ready for a rumble…”

Pinkie frowned and glanced down. “I do not rate the chances of this dress holding in place as very high…”

The man suddenly smiled. “You’re the guy from Conglomerate!”

Dan and Pinkie paused, looked at each other, and smiled as their bodies relaxed.

Dan returned to his old money voice as he spoke, “You’ve got me dead to rights there, boi!”

The muscular man grinned. “I thought that was you!” He looked around the store. “Here, let me find a copy of the game and a pen. There’s always a copy in the game sect—”

“What the heck is going on here?!” A forceful feminine voice called out.

The muscular man snapped to attention as a female employee with chin-length auburn hair approached. Like her fellow employee, she wore a military-style uniform.

“Sir!” The muscular man replied. “We have a celebrity in our store!” he said as he motioned to Dan.

The woman looked Dan over with a quizzical expression. “… The Conglomerate guy?”

Dan bowed. “Mr. Moneybags at your service.”

“Sir!” The muscular man said. “I was just about to get an autograph, sir!”

The woman cocked an eyebrow at her fellow Salvation Armed Forces employee then turned back to Dan. “But Mr. Moneybags isn’t real! He’s just a mascot!”

Dan, Pinkie, and the muscular man all gasped.

Dan was the first to speak. “How dare you, madam?! You’re lucky I don’t buy this block right now and convert it to houses, or a hotel even!”

“Uh… with all due respect, sir…” the muscular man said to his commanding employee. “You might want to tread lightly, I’m sure he could do it…”

The woman rolled her eyes. “Is that mustache even real?!”

Pinkie immediately began to tear up. “Alright! You got me!” she cried. “It’s a fake mustache!” Pinkie took off her own mustache. “I’m a fraud!” A fountain of tears began to shoot out from Pinkie’s eyes. “WHOUAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!”

‘Mr. Moneybags’ motioned out to his ‘wife’, “There! Are you satisfied!? You’ve made my beautiful wife distraught with inadequacy.”

“Not her!” the woman cried. In one swift motion she grabbed the end of Dan’s mustache and quickly pulled it right off of him, the adhesive substance on it attempting to cling to his lip.

‘Rrrrrrriiiiiiiippp!’

“OW!” Dan exclaimed as he reached up to his upper lip that had turned red.

“HIM!” the woman cried accusingly as she pointed at Dan.

The muscular man gasped. “YOU! You’re the one who attacked me with dogs.”

“Hey!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “I just released the dogs! It’s not my fault they attacked you…” Dan paused and grinned. “…Not that it wasn’t the outcome I was hoping for…”

The man raised his bell high. “Oh I’m going to enjoy—”

Pinkie quickly inserted herself between the two men. “Hey now! Alright, we’re not who we said we were, but we just put these on for fun! We just want to buy this couch, get it home somehow, and erm…” Pinkie paused redness entered her cheeks. “…start enjoying it…”

The muscular man felt his resolve crumble as he stared down at Pinkie. “Uh… well… I guess…”

“FOCUS, SOLDIER!” The female employee snapped. She motion to Dan. “This man led a team made up of our sworn enemy, Great Will employees. Which he used to steal a car from us, and you were in the hospital for weeks after that vicious dog attack.”

A stern expression suddenly rooted itself on the muscular man’s face. “Right.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan cried. “I only took my car back because you stole it in the first place!”

“You parked it in the vehicle donation spot!” The muscular man cried.

“Well how was I supposed to know that?!” Dan cried angrily as he motioned with his hand emphatically.

“There’s a sign as big as the garage that reads ‘DONATE YOUR VEHICLE HERE’ right there!”

Dan folded his arms and blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… Anyone could have missed that!”

The muscular man narrowed his eyes and motioned towards the front of the store, where a sign hung that read ‘WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE’.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Seriously?! We walk in as paying customers—“

“Disguised paying customers!” the man interrupted. “You tried to purchase this couch under false pretenses!”

Dan furrowed his brow. “Who cares!? The couch is up for sale! We’re buying!”

The muscular man narrowed his eyes further and leaned down, placing his face inches from Dan’s. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“Hey, buddy!” Dan said as he leveled in index finger. “The Department of Homeland Security is still debating if I deserve to be labeled a terrorist or not!”

“You’re an enemy of The Salvation Armed Forces.” The muscular man shook his head. “So no couch.”

Dan sighed. “We don’t have time for this…” He stepped back and pointed at the man. “Pinkie, attack!”

Pinkie looked down at her outfit, frowned, and shook her head. “Sorry Dan…”

“WHAT!?” Dan cried. “But…”

Pinkie closer to Dan and whispered into his ear, “Do you want this dress to fall off of me while I fight it out with that guy, or would you rather take it off yourself?” Pinkie smirked and added, “…Or just leave it on… either is fine with me…”

Dan’s eyes went wide as his cheeks went red. He looped his arm around Pinkie’s as the couple did a quick about face. Pinkie and Dan began marching towards the store’s exit.

“This isn’t over!” Dan cried as he held his index finger high in the air. “We’ll be back and dressed for battle! Mark my words!”

“And we’ll be…” The muscular man trailed off as his drifted downwards to Pinkie’s shapely posterior as the back of her dress shifted back and forth rhythmically, showing off one leg followed by the next. “…We’ll be… uh…”

“Ready?!” the female employee suggested in an irritated tone of voice.

“…Right!” the muscular man cried as he stood back up to his full height.

A bell rang as the door to the store opened then quickly closed.

“ …Ready!” the muscular man shouted as he rang his bell menacingly.

“They already left the store,” the female employee said in an unamused tone of voice with an equally unamused expression on her face.

The muscular man slumped his shoulders, his bell making a quiet, sad ring as it did. “I know, sir…”

Long were shadows cast from Dan and Pinkie as they walked back to the red hatchback and the sun in front of the pair grew lower in the sky. Despite the setting sun sitting almost directly in front of the couple, Dan ignore the harsh glare on his eyes and simply looked up at Pinkie with a wide grin as the couple walked back towards the car.

“So…” Dan began, “home, then we scheme?”

Pinkie giggled. “Music to my ears…” She grinned. “You want the mustache on, or off?”

Dan frowned and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Off please,” he replied.

Pinkie grinned as she put her mustache back on. “Too bad.”

Author's Notes: