The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt
Chapter 109 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Great Will

Author’s notes: I watched part of a Dan Vs. episode and it seems I may have screwed up on the color of Dan’s furniture in a few places throughout the story. I’ll have to hunt those down and fix them.

Just a heads up in case someone notices that Couchy changed color this chapter.

Dan furrowed his brow as he and Pinkie looked over a long line of beat up and dingy-looking couches. Pinkie was still wearing the shirt she had borrowed from Dan for the funeral, making the couple’s clothing match for the most part save Pinkie’s red sneakers and Dan’s black boots. They both stood in a wide open area of the store surrounded by shelves of random knickknacks and collections of random glassware and mugs.

Dan sighed and shook his head. “I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out ‘Two and a Half Men’ wasn’t about two guys who ran around with half a mangled corpse!”

“Well… you wanted a couch with character!” Pinkie said with a smile. “And these couches all have plenty of it!”

Dan shook his head. “These couches don’t have character, they have deep scars both physical and mental! I want a piece of furniture that I know can take a few hits! Not something that looks like it’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder!”

Pinkie giggled. “They’re not that bad!”

Dan pointed to a faded red leather couch with torn and frayed leather on over wood armrests dozens of scratches in them. Additionally, the cushions where dotted with tiny holes. “That one looks like it did several rounds with an army of housecats and lost every single time! It kinda smells like it, too!”

Pinkie pointed to a slightly green couch with a long-faded brown leaf embroidery design on it. “Well, that one looks comfy!” she said as she walked up to the couch.

Dan made a disgusted sound as he followed. “Ulg… It looks like Mother Nature threw up on it! I’m not even trying to exaggerate here! It actually looks like that.” Dan said as he vigorously motioned to the couch. He paused and added. “… It’s also not a creative color.”

“Ahh… you’re just being a picky-Mickey!” Pinkie sat down on the couch. “I’m sure it’s…” Pinkie trailed off and frowned as she felt a pinchy sensation in her knee.

‘Scccchhhhhooouuccch…’

Without warning, Pinkie sank into the couch cushions as the spongy green and brown fabric of the couch began to envelop her.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried out in alarm.

“Dan! Help! The couch has figured out I taste delicious!” She cried as she reached an arm up.

Dan rushed up and grabbed Pinkie’s arm in both his hands. He put his foot against the solid bottom of the couch for leverage and yanked on Pinkie’s arm, pulling her free from the blob-like piece of furniture.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan and held him tight. “Thank you!” she said earnestly.

Dan returned the hug. “Yeah, yeah…” he said as he gently patted Pinkie’s back. He pulled back slightly, but kept his hands on Pinkie’s arms. “There! One of the couches here tried to eat you! Can we go now!?”

“Look, I’m sure one of these couches can at least make a half-way decent stand-in for Couchy!”

Dan sighed before he began speaking in a wistful tone, “But Couchy was special! He was lumpy in all the right places! He sat a perfect height off the ground! He was red!”

“You know I thought he was yellow for the longest time?” Pinkie said. “Geez-Louise did I have to scrub hard to figure out we had a red couch…! Also the blue carpets… drapes… walls…”

“I get it!” Dan said. “The apartment was messy before you moved in!”

Pinkie raised her eyebrows. “Messy?! I’m still surprised some of the piles of things in there didn’t come to life at some point and try to befriend you… or just eat you!”

Dan sighed, “Can we move on?”

Pinkie scanned the line of couches. “Weeeell… what about this one?” Pinkie asked as she motioned to a beige couch with almost threadbare cushions and upholstery.

“That couch looks like it would shank you for even attempting to sit on it!” Dan declared.

Pinkie maintained her smile and rolled her eyes. “I’m sure it’s not that bad! Look!” Pinkie flung herself back on the couch. “OUCH!” she cried with a pained expression on her face as she hopped off of it and rubbed her back. “That couch just shanked me!”

“I told you!” Dan said.

Pinkie examined the couch. “Huh, some of the springs are sticking out… Maybe we could get a really thick blanket to put over it, or—”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You want a couch that might give you lockjaw?”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “What’s lockjaw?”

“It’s when you get tetanus and your jaw muscles start having spasms.” Dan smirked. “So, I guess your usual behavior with less sound coming out of your mouth.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe…Guess I’m sleeping in the burn ward tonight…”

Dan chuckled. “You know, I’m actually reconsidering getting the couch now…” He frowned. “Though, I guess there’s a good chance we’d forget about stabbing rust springs in a steamy moment and then we’d both need tetanus shots.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Sha…shots?” She gulped. “As in needles?”

Dan nodded. “That’s how they treat potential Tetanus cases.”

Pinkie’s pupils shrank to the size of pin-pricks. “One sec!” she called out before dashing off towards the front of the store.

Dan followed Pinkie with his eyes briefly then shrugged and shook his head. He turned to a dingy-looking grey couch. “You look like if I touched you, you’d be sticky…” he uttered as he looked down. Dan heard the familiar sound of Pinkie bounding up to him. “What do you think, Goofball?”

“Oh no!” Pinkie called out in a tone that didn’t quite come off as genuine distress. “The stabbing rust couch has caught aflame!”

Dan turned to see a spiraling column of flame shoot up from the center of the beige couch.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried. “I didn’t want the couch!”

“Of course!” Pinkie said. “Who wants a couch that mysteriously bursts into flames for absolutely no discernable reason?!”

“You’re holding a lighter and lighter fluid!” Dan pointed out.

“Yeah, so?” Pinkie replied as she held onto those things Dan just said she had.

“So I’m guessing you started the fire?”

“Wow Dan!” Pinkie said in an offended tone as she placed her hands that were full of fire-starting materials on her hips. “I can’t believe you of all people would just profile someone like that! Just… WOW!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “I am now torn between getting violent with you and making out with you.”

Pinkie grinned. “Why not both?”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You want me to violently make out with you?”

Pinkie pondered this for a second. “Well, when you put it like that…” Pinkie trailed off before nodding and adding, “Yes. Yes I do.”

Dan put on a mischievous grin, took a few steps closer to Pinkie, and wrapped an arm around her waist. “It does have a nice ring to it, come to think of it…”

“Oh my gosh! Is that couch on fire?!” someone cried from within the store.

Dan and Pinkie frowned.

Dan sighed, “We should probably leave now.”

Pinkie nodded. “I, too, was going to suggest we leave.”

‘KABOOM!’

“And then the Great Will in North Hollywood exploded for absolutely no discernible reason!” Pinkie said.

“You don’t have to narrate for me Pinkie,” Dan said. “I was right there!”

Dan and Pinkie stood across the street from a long white building with a blue stripe on the front as flames shot out from small sets of large, plate glass windows and smoke billowed up from the brown, shingled roof. People screamed and fled from the building, escaping onto the dirty street as flames consumed the building. The sounds of broken glass and heavy items falling over echoed out from the doomed structure.

“Sooooo…” Dan began as he folded his arms and looked up at Pinkie, “why did you explode the Great Will?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Pinkie said as she shook her head. “But, hypothetically speaking, had some hypothetical brave and intrepid soul found that filthy looking building absolutely terrifying… Oh, let’s just call this hypothetical paragon of fearlessness, Pinkie Pie—”

“You just said your own name, Goofball,” Dan informed.

“Huh! No way!” Pinkie protested. “I swapped the first letters around!”

“They both start with the same letter, nimrod!”

Across the street the fire began to grow larger and hotter, consuming more and more of the building.

“Oh… right… uh… Let’s call her—”

Dan smirked. “So we’re assigning hypothetical gender, now?”

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. “—HE OR HER Light Red Pastry. Hypothetically Light Red Pastry might have took one look at the scary, seedy-looking building, thought it was an eyesore, and heaped explosives—”

“Hypothetical explosives.”

Pinkie paused and shot Dan a glare. “How the heck are you making this so annoying to describe?!”

Dan chuckled. “I learned from the best."

Pinkie scowled at Dan and continued, “... Hypothetical explosives in the center of the Great Will and hypothetically detonated them.”

Dan pondered this as he tapped an index finger against his chin. “Hmmm… Where do you suppose this hypothetical frightened epitome of valor might have acquired such hypothetical explosives?”

“Uh…” Pinkie looked around nervously. “I’m sure there’s a very real, and not hypothetical explosives store nearby…”

Dan nodded as he began walking to his red hatchback. “I see, so if I open the hatch to my car and looked inside, it should still have explosives in the trunk…”

“Errrmmmm…”

Dan reached into his pockets and put on a mock surprise expression. “Oh, shock and alarm! It seems I don’t have my keys because somepony began shaking like a leaf as soon as she entered the store and said something about getting something from the car.”

Pinkie pulled her lips together tight as she stared at Dan, she slowly reached into one of her jean pockets and pulled out a set of keys. She reluctantly handed the keys to Dan.

Dan placed the keys into the lock of the hatch. “Welp, just going to open the hatch and see that none of the explosives in the back are missing, becau—“

“I BLEW UP THE GREAT WILL!” Pinkie cried.

Dan turned with a satisfied expression on his face. “Ah-ha! I knew it!”

Pinkie placed her hands on either side of her head as she stared out into space with a scared expression. “I couldn’t help it! It was just so dirty inside!” Pinkie’s teeth began chattering. “I just stood there wondering ‘What in this filthy place can give me lockjaw!?’ and before you know it, I was setting up explosives in the center of the store and detonating them!” Pinkie began tearing up slightly. “I just couldn’t take it…”

Dan put a comforting hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “There, was that so hard?”

Pinkie sighed. “I guess not.” She looked out at the flaming sto—

‘CuuRummPTHChh!’

—pile of flaming rubble.

“I guess I just wished ‘high explosives’ wasn’t my go-to solution here.”

“Well, I guess you could have showed a little more restraint,” Dan said. “You know… maybe start burning their useless knickknack isle and get everyone to flee from the toxic fumes instead of starting with explosives.”

Pinkie nodded. “That sound like excellent advice, Dan!”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “You pick up a few things up after you get mad at a second hand store or half a dozen…”

‘EEEEEOOOEEEEOOOO…!’

The two perked their ears up at the sound of approaching sirens as red and white lights began to flash from down the street.

“We should goooo…” Dan said, trailing off at the end.

“Yep, definitely!” Pinkie agreed.

“…‘To Show up-N-Go Burger’ is the end of that sentence!” Dan said enthusiastically.

Pinkie gasped. “Yay!” She cried as she held up her palm.

Dan slapped his girlfriend a quick high five before they clasped their hands together and began happily walking down the street to a small burger restaurant down the way.

“Here’s a nice, big, clean Great Will!” Pinkie said as she motioned out to a large, multi-entranced white and blue building.

Dan pursed his lips and scrunched his brow as he scanned the building from the parking lot. “Maybe too clean!”

Pinkie giggled. “Oh, come on! It’ll be nice to look for couches in a store where we don’t have to be afraid of coming down with something.”

Dan shrugged. “If you say so.”

Dan and Pinkie stood in the same parking lot as black smoke flowed out of each of the store's entrances. Store employees in blue vests and customers all rushed out, coughing and sputtering as they escaped into the relatively fresh air of Southern California.

Dan motioned out to the store. “Yeah… and then that happened.”

“Wasn’t me!” Pinkie declared quickly as she held her hands up in front of her.

Dan nodded. “I know! It was me!” he said with a grin.

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “Wow, you didn’t even try to hide that or anything!”

Dan shrugged. “Eh, I’m a man who likes to wear his heart on his sleeve… Also a man who likes to commit arson.”

“Alright, so on that note, why—”

Dan interrupted. “One of the goofy knickknack clowns looked at me funny.”

“Huh…” Pinkie replied. Setting fire to an entire isle seems a little extreme… Even by your standards.”

“I also hate knickknacks on principle,” Dan informed.

Pinkie nodded. “Alright, I can see that...”

“Aaaand that place needs a little smoke damage or something! Way too sterile for a Great Will! We can’t get a couch that’s been coddled and spoiled by being shown some sort of idealistic vision of a secondhand store!”

“Oooo! Ooooo! ” Pinkie said. “So you wanted to toughen up any potential Couchy 2s inside!”

Dan nodded. “Yep!”

Pinkie motioned to the store. “Of course, the problem is we can’t go back inside.”

Dan pulled his lips into a tight frown as he stared at the store. “Uhhh… yeah… Guess I could have thought this through a little better…” he said as he rubbed the back of his head.

Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, accidents happen.”

Dan nodded. “Especially when they’re intentional and willful destruction of property.”

“Where’s the next closest Great Will?” Pinkie paused and added, “…That we haven’t visited yet.”

“Hmmm… I think there’s a couple in Northridge…” Dan answered.

Pinkie nodded and the couple began walking back towards the red hatchback.

Pinkie began to speak in a tentative tone, “Uh… Hey… erm… precious snuki—ERM …snickerdoodle?”

Dan furrowed his brow and turned to Pinkie. “What outlandish thing that I’m going to hate are you trying to say…”

“Well, erm… my adorable cupcake…”

“And stop with the sappy pet names, you’re lousy at them!”

Pinkie sighed as she and Dan reached the car and sat down inside. “Alright… it’s just… I just think…”

“Spit it out already!” Dan cried.

“Well… I think there’s another option you’re maybe, sorta, kinda ignoring here.”

Dan frowned. “I already told you my views on getting a new-new couch!”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not that! I’m fine with getting a couch we know can take a bit of a beating… But, weeell…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Are you going to just tell me what you’re trying to say, or do I have to beat it out of you?!”

Pinkie sighed, “Alright here it goes…” She opened her sky-blue eyes wide as she looked at Dan. “Maybe we should try the Salvation Armed Forces.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried as he threw up his arms and began emphatically waving them about. “Are you out of your curly, pink-hair-covered mind?! I can’t go back there!”

“I know you had a bad run in with them, but—”

“‘Bad run in’?!” Dan cried in an irate, frustrated tone. “They stole my car!”

Pinkie nodded. “But you got it back! You also got revenge for them taking it!”

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean I’m eager to go back there and rekindle the flame! There’s good TV I need to watch!”

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, but it’s another night of us sharing the easy chair!”

Dan scrunched his eyebrows together. “I thought you liked getting all snuggly with me!”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “I do, but I also miss laying on top of you while you watch TV.”

Dan’s face flushed as he placed his palms to his cheeks. “Gah! Stop using your adorable touchy-feely reasoning on me! Besides, we still have more Great Wills that are close enough!”

Pinkie nodded. “Sure, but what if Couchy 2 isn’t in any of those stores? What if Couchy 2 is waiting for us in a Salvation Armed Forces store right by our home and we’d never know because we hadn’t looked?”

Dan paused. “Huh… that’s uh… that’s actually a really sensible way of looking at it.”

Pinkie beamed.

“Alright, Goofball.” Dan smiled. “It’s time to brave muscular men who have been trained to fight with bells in search of our couch!”

“YAY!” Pinkie Cried excitedly.

‘EEEEEOOOEEEEOOOO…!’

Pinkie and Dan perked their heads up as the very familiar sound of sirens filled the air.

Dan started the car and pulled out of the parking spot. “And also flee another crime scene!”

Pinkie paused, shrugged, and cried “…Yay!”