At some point, I began to wonder why Twilight was so willing to put up with my bullshit. I’d come down to the library to complain about everything all the damn time, the only respite being when I wasn’t in town. I knocked on the door and let myself inside, it was still opening hours. Twilight was sat in her usual spot, buried in a pile of tomes that were each nearly as thick as my leg. She’d gotten interested in something again.

“Twilight, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure, you can talk to me anytime Ger… Toffee.”

I sat next to her and stared at the wall of books across from me. What could I say to her? I wanted affirmation about something – but how could I phrase it in a way she’d understand? Coming out with the crux of the issue seemed like the easiest way, like jumping into a cold pool without dipping your toe inside first. Not that I had toes to dip anymore.

“Did Celestia brainwash me?”

Twilight slammed the book down, “What?”

“I was just wondering, you know.”

“Ponies tend to wonder about what they’re going to eat for lunch, not… that!”

“She did though.”

Twilight sighed, “She did. Didn’t you want to avoid talking about this again?”

“It’s hard not to. I was talking with Mac again.”

Twilight’s cheeks flushed slightly, “Oh. I see.”

Suddenly I felt very defensive, “Hey, wait, what the hell are you thinking about Twi?”

“I see how it is! You came to talk to me because he was hitting on you again. The subtleties of courtship may allude me on my best days, but I have read enough romance novels to know.”

“Oh for god’s sake.”

“Say it.”

I swallowed my pride, “Alright fine. I think Mac’s a great guy.”

Twilight clapped, “Well done.”

“There’s no need to be so smug about it.”

“Sorry. What was it that you wanted to talk about?”

I stood up and paced around the table to try and get my thoughts in order, “Well, let’s go back to my original question. Did Celestia brainwash me?”

“Yes. I think on an objective level she did.”

“So do you think she brainwashed me to like Big Mac?” It was the only thing I could think about when he spoke to me again. The way that Celestia had homed in on him during the Gala and asked about me. Her controlling personality, I couldn’t put it past her. Why not slip it another little spell with the other one to change more?

Twilight paused and genuinely gave the idea her time. Of course she then shot me down in the way that Twilight does, “I don’t think so.”

“How can we know?”

“We can’t really. You’re just going to drive yourself mad worrying about it though.”

“Helpful as usual.”

“As far as the Princess was concerned, the most pressing concern was to address your dysphoria. Despite what… happened. The Princess only takes action she considers appropriate.”

“And if she considered hooking me and Mac up as appropriate?”

Twilight bit her lip, “I like to think better of her, even now.”

I threw up my hooves and yelled, “Do you think Mac cares one damn bit about old me? He only likes me now. It was really messed up, though I suppose it was partly my fault for insisting that we drop it.”

“I think he’s being supportive. Toffee, to be honest, we all only really know the current you. It’s not like we can split you into two and talk with both versions as the same time. If Mac says he likes you, even knowing that you used to be a stallion or whatever, you should just take it as honesty.”

“He wants Toffee.”

“You are Toffee. You were the one who wanted to drop Gerry and everything else. The only things we know about you are the things you tell us. You’re worrying yourself; you had the last word. This deal is over. Do what you want.”

“Just like that?”

“Weren’t you the one who said it didn’t matter? Unless you changed your mind. Celestia hasn’t had the poor sense to mention it since, not to me. What kind of victory is one where she lives in your head for the rest of your life, worrying if your choices are really your own and stopping yourself from doing things you want because of it? She’s just controlling you indirectly!”

I could see the logic in her words. But I’d separated this particular choice from everything else. At one point or another I’d wondered if I was really attracted to Mac, even before Celestia cast the spell on me. I’d never been in a position to express interest in a man before. If Celestia had control over my sexuality, she’d defaulted me. That was a can of worms that I didn’t want to open.

“Fucking shit, fuck this.”

“That part of you hasn’t changed…”

Tree, Mac. Back at it again a week later. I’d stewed in my own misery for long enough. He flicked his tail impatiently as I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I settled on an eloquent and to the point opening attack.

“Fucking hell, why do you like me of all ponies?”

Mac blinked, “Uh. I just do. Do I need a reason?”

“Even though I was a man, and not even a pony.”

“I don’t see why that matters.”

“It matters to me.”

“Well I ain’t forcing you to do nothin’ you don’t want to Toffee. Just say no.”

Twilight and Mac were right. I could only present myself in the way that I chose. Mac liked me because he knew me as I was. The cranky, foul-mouthed tomboy who worked on his farm. Aside from being a mare, I was the same as I was back home. Things change. I changed. In a million small ways that I couldn’t see at the time.

“…I want you to be completely honest with me, did Celestia ask you anything else when you saw her at the gala?”

“Nope.”

“I was worried that she’d put you up to this.”

“She didn’t say nothing else. She just asked me how you were doing.” It was up to me to decide whether that question was malicious or innocent, “Is that what you’re worried about?”

“Partly.”

“…What’s the trouble? I know you and her ain’t on the best terms. That’s what I got from Twilight and AJ anyway.”

“Because it turns out the reason I turned into a mare in the first place was her fault. And not content to screw me over once, she did it again by using Twilight.”

“That’d do it…”

“So I started to worry about what else she’s done with my life. I wanted to know if she influenced you somehow.”

Mac was a straightforward man, so I expected a straightforward answer, “I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to know.” I didn’t get one. “I liked you for a long while though – if you’re sayin’ that all this started at the gala, I’d disagree.”

I supposed that his word was as good as I was going to get. If Mac insisted that he liked me before Celestia even knew then I wasn’t going to needlessly argue with him about it. It was one worry laid to rest at least.

“And you say you’re fine with it? Knowing all that. What if I randomly turn back one day?”

“…Well, that’d be strange.”

“It would, and it’s looking unlikely. But at the end, you have to accept me as I am. I understand that at least. You didn’t know me back then.”

“How long have we been living together? I know plenty,” he huffed, “Don’t go acting like we’re strangers, especially not to AJ or Bloom.”

“Sorry, I know. I ran off for a year because I wanted to get out of town for a while.”

“I’m not saying you have to be an Apple Toffee. You can be whatever you please.”

“It’s a bit late to be saying things like that, I didn’t go to college for all those years to wipe my ass with the paper. Listen, I don’t mind doing the things that I’ve been doing. I like working on a farm, I like all of you guys. It’s just that this Celestia business has been on my mind and I’m not sure if I can ever get closure on it.”

“There’s a lot of things you can never get answers for. That’s life. Sometimes things don’t end the way you want.”

“That’s what I’m trying to say,” I sighed, “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with what happened here. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I may as well get on with my life.”

“…And?”

I closed my eyes, “Fine. I’ll give you a date so I can scare you off. I don’t know if I’ll like it, but the only way is to try.”

Mac didn’t pump his hoof or jump for joy. I think that made me feel a bit better about it. He understood that I was hesitant to be involved with somebody else. I’m sure he celebrated when I couldn’t see him, but he was mindful enough to leave things as they were. One chance. He’d have one chance to wow me, to show me that I could enjoy dating a stallion.

It still didn’t feel right. There was a natural contradiction between my memories and my tolerance for certain things. Earlier I’d rolled my eyes at the thought of dating anyone, never mind a stallion. But now, post Celestia, it didn’t seem so unreasonable anymore.

“I promise that you won’t like me.”

“Yup.”

Author's Notes:

A huge thank you to:
Evo
Korenav

For supporting me on patreon.

This is the second to last chapter. Next time Adjustment will be over.

I just want to say that I've been averting my eyes from the comment section for the past few chapters. Although I did read them after finishing this chapter and before writing this note. The reason why is because I don't agree with some of the sentiment being shared in them. It can be easy to get wrapped up in how things can be made "right." After finishing the King and I my attitude towards darker writing changed significantly. Although even there the protagonist came out on top. I like complicated stories, ones with relationships that cannot be easily defined down a dividing line.

There will be no last-minute diversions. The moral weight of what has been said and done is down to your interpretation, though I know that many people will come down on Gerry's side. Celestia has her own motivations for doing what she does, like Twilight says, she cares too much. She cares so much that her attempts to help can be harmful and disturbing. Celestia took his body and then took some of his free will - those are acts that anybody could easily define as wrong.

I am cheapening this a lot by putting this here, but I do like explaining my thought process behind decisions like this. Adjustment as a narrative is not about revenge, it's a story about isolation, identity, free-will and change. I hope that if you don't understand what I mean, you think about it sometime and come to your own conclusion.

I will not write a long-winded goodbye for the next chapter. So I'm going to put it here. Thank you. No matter how you feel about the story, I'd like to thank you all for being so patient with me. I've been writing this for seven years despite it's short length. A lot has happened in that time. When I started I was in a bad place, I'm much better now. Although the tone of the story has done a complete flip to being much more serious. This isn't a goodbye. I'll still be around to finish off some other stories I've started and neglected recently. So go check those out if you haven't already.