Author's Notes:

Why did this take so long? I had two thousand words of this down months ago and I couldn't find the will to publish it for complicated reasons that primarily involve doubts about the direction of my own story - we've swerved hard into character analysis and interaction and not the whole... transformation bit. So next chapter will be a course change away from some of that.

Hey, we have a new patreon this chapter!

A huge thank you to:
Evo
Korenav

For supporting me on patreon.

The days passed much the same as always.

Twilight had slowed down after her initial infatuation with creating a spell to reverse the changes. She’d still work on it and update me on its progress – but she was clearly struggling. The principles of magic were endlessly complex and required a big brain, which I didn’t have. I left Twilight to it, hoping that she’d figure something out and get me back to normal.

What wasn’t the same was the way Big Mac was behaving around me. He looked like a scolded school child whenever he saw me – averted eyes and a desire to avoid me at every opportunity. I knew that somebody said something.

“It was probably Rarity, that gal can’t help herself sometimes.” Applejack kicked the tree, shaking another shipment of apples into the carefully placed buckets.

“Did you tell her that I was… how do I put it, looking?”

“I ain’t that silly buster. I told her that you weren’t looking!”

“I guess it was opposite day or something.”

“It’s water under the bridge, if he asks just say no.”

“I’d rather him not ask at all. It’s already making thing awkward.”

Applejack wiped her… pony brow, “If it gets worse, tell me and I’ll smack some sense into him.”

I wanted to snipe at her with a comment about violence not being the answer, but to be honest I’d do the same. Applejack seemed to consider manners to be very important, especially to friends and co-workers.

“You know, this is why you should be careful with what you say. People get things messed up all the damn time.” I kicked the ground with a hoof and looked to the blue sky. There wasn’t a cloud in sight. “Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just know what everybody was thinking?”

Applejack recoiled, “Nah, I don’t want to see anything… gross. And I like my privacy!”

I bucked the next tree for her and chuckled, “I guess you’re right. Honesty is a hard thing to… do.”

“You don’t do honesty, it’s something that you have to value.” Applejack pushed one of the collection buckets into place beneath the next tree. “I wasn’t always such an honest mare, but being honest isn’t somethin’ to be scared of, it makes life easier.”

“Not everybody has the nerves to just put it out there though. There’s another part of that equation, the other person who’s listening to it.”

“Right.”

“I’ve heard more than my fair share of horror stories about people getting booted out of their home for… reasons.”

Applejack seemed to grow bashful at my point, “I know that feeling, hay, I even did that to a friend once! Being all mean about what they looked like… But this ain’t such a big thing, ain’t it? What’s stopping you from setting the record straight?”

“Applejack, stallion brain.”

She sighed. “You and your dosh darn pride. Why are you fellas all like this?”

“If I ignore the problem it’ll go away.” I smirked knowing that it’d annoy her.

“It won’t.” She took the bait hook line and sinker.

“We’re done for the day, let’s go clean up.”

We packed up and went back inside. I was the first to stumble towards the bathroom.

I hated the bathroom.

More than any other room in the barn, I hated the bathroom. I used to love the bathroom before… all of this. I loved to sit my hairy ass down and whittle away a few minutes that I’d have spent slaving for shit pay. Everything about the bathroom reminded me of how fucked up I was. How I couldn’t use my fingers to manipulate a toothbrush, or how I had to avoid dipping my tail into the toilet water.

I hated it.

Every time I dreaded taking a break. I’d avoid looking in the mirror because I hated what was looking back. A gormless looking mare with orange eyes and curly brown hair. That wasn’t me, that wasn’t Gerry. It was a fake – something that’d taken my place a few weeks ago.

Applejack knew.

She knew but she wouldn’t say anything to me about it. The way that my face soured, like I’d swallowed a lemon whenever it came time to go and handle myself. The monotony of kicking trees kept me from thinking about it during the day, but a reflective surface would bring it all running back. I had to resist the urge to throw the thing out of the window.

I dunked my head into the sink to try and cool down. Having fur was like having a beard on my entire face. It made drying yourself a huge pain. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My heart pounded wildly before I realized that it was me.

Tired.

I was tired of this shit. I couldn’t deal with anymore.

I didn’t get out of my bed the next morning.

“Gerry won’t get up?”

“Nope. He won’t even talk to me,” Applejack sighed.

Twilight frowned, placing her book down onto the table in the middle of the library floor. “How long has he been doing this?”

“A couple days? I bring him a tray o’ food now and then, but sometimes he don’t even eat it.”

“I was worried about this.”

“Huh?”

“Gerry mentioned something about this when we spoke last time. So I looked into it and found a book in the Canterlot archives that detailed the ‘Psychological Effects of Transformation Magic.’ An exposure study done by Bright Spark ten years ago.”

“Exposure what now?”

“Exposure study. A study that uses magic on a living subject. Spark wanted to see what would happen when a pony was exposed to long form transformation magic.”

“But you said that…”

“I know, transformation magic like that is impossible. This was during the study of transformation magic at the Canterlot School. He used some sort of method to change a pony’s mane and fur. That pony didn’t report any differences.”

“Okay.”

“So they got more drastic. They used an external power source from the Canterlot collection and cast a longer lasting spell that also changed the structure of their face. This lasted for a week – and the subject reported feelings of discomfort and a fear of their own face. They abandoned the experiment after they asked to be turned back. Gerry called this dysphoria, and according to him it’s very serious!”

“So this dysphooria, whatever it is, that’s why he’s in bed?”

“He must be suffering from a depressive episode. This is the key danger from transformation magic as theorized by Bright Spark during his study. A fear of oneself, or a dissociation with his body.”

“What can we do about it? You get anywhere with that fancy spell?”

Twilight shook her head, “I’ve managed to isolate the self-replication mechanism. But the real challenge is finding an appropriate power source. The scale of energy needed is beyond me or any unicorn in town.”

“Couldn’t ya’ ask the Princess?”

“I don’t believe that Celestia or Luna could do it either. Despite their immense magical energy.”

“This sounds impossible.” Applejack was just about to give up on the whole thing.

“I have a theory that coming from a world without magic is the cause. It flooded into his body at an unprecedented rate and catalysed the transformation.”

“Cata-what now?”

“Basically, Gerry entering Equestria is something we can’t replicate. He’s been exposed to the ambient magic in the air for too long. I don’t want to think about what would happen if we sent him home without turning him back first.”

Applejack frowned. Gerry’s bad mood was getting her down too. Gerry was a friend, a close one – and she wanted to do what was best for him. “We should go talk to him.”

My ears perked up as two sets of hooves clattered over the wooden floorboards. “Gerry, you mind if we come in?” I didn’t say anything. Applejack would enter anyway without my permission. She waited for a minute before pushing open the door and looking upon my lumpy form – hidden under the covers of my cheap bed. Twilight had elected to make an appearance.

“Good afternoon Gerry,” she greeted me. I didn’t feel like talking or doing much of anything. “Applejack asked me to come and speak with you.”

“Mmmh.”

“Are you not feeling well?”

I stared out the window. Twilight leaned into Applejack’s ear, “I don’t know what to say.”

A deeply and profoundly awkward silence settled into the room like a bad smell. I couldn’t feel bad about not saying anything – but that didn’t make it comfortable for me to stump two people who cared about me at least a little bit.

“If I look in that mirror again, I’m going to fucking smash it.” I couldn’t stop my voice from breaking at the apex of my sentence.

They shuffled in place, hooves against wood. “Twilight’s trying, she really is!”

“You don’t need to lie for me AJ, wasn’t honesty the most important thing.”

“I ain’t lying! She’s trying to get you back to normal.”

“And how long am I going to be stuck like this? Huh? Answer me that!” I turned over to face them. Twilight was visibly concerned, and Applejack was starting to get heated.

“I thought that at least I’d have myself… but I don’t even have that anymore. I’m nothing.”

“Now wait just a darn minute Gerry! I don’t think that’s true at all. You might look different, but you’re still the same fella’ I talked to the first time we met.”

Twilight sought to damper my mood further, “I’m starting to realize the size of the task you’ve given me Gerry. And I fear that it might not be possible.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Twilight bit her lip, “When you arrived here – your body had never been exposed to magic before. But now that it’s been so long, I don’t know how to emulate such a large flow of magical energy again. You were the perfect conduit.”

“…But why did I turn into a pony?”

“That is a good question. The obvious answer is that somepony must have cast a spell on you; but of course that would be preposterous! I was the first pony to see you; and furthermore who would do such a thing for no good reason?”

“So?”

“My best guess is that it was a unique reaction caused by a non-magical body meeting magical energy.”

I was more willing to believe that somebody had done it to me. My internal conflict needed an external source to blame. Something or someone to get angry at so I wouldn’t stay mad at myself.

“I’ve drafted a concept for a new version of the mind alteration spell that we spoke about. But I’ve struggled to apply the principle to a physical body. It’s easier to self-replicate a thought than it is a part of your body.”

My mind strayed to a place I never expected.

“Is it possible for you to cast it?”

“Yes…” Twilight’s face was strained.

“If I asked you to cast it on me, would you?”

“I don’t-“

“Would you? As a friend, would you do it?”

Twilight sighed, “That isn’t what you want Gerry. I know that much.”

“Well there’s the contradiction. I don’t want it, but I’d be happier if you did.”

“But you don’t want it.”

“It’s not a matter of wanting it – god knows what I’m going to do if this keeps up for much longer.”

“It’s not right either way. If I cast the spell on you, what if we discovered a way to turn you back? Would you agree that your original intent was to become a human again? Or would you insist on staying the way you’d have become? There would be no way of knowing, and no correct answer.”

She was right as usual. I’d be giving up on myself if I had her brainwash me. But the feeling that I was experiencing was just that bad. I’d have rather been comfortable with being brainwashed than feeling this. I was well aware that this wasn’t something people usually worried about back home. Those people who had their own troubles didn’t have the benefit of just changing their minds about it at the drop of a hat.

How many people would have taken that chance though? If they could just wish away the problem, would they? Even if it compromised their identity and morals for the sake of their safety.

“Maybe we could do a stopgap with that gender swappin’ spell,” Applejack proposed.

I shook my head, “It’s not necessarily my gender change AJ, my entire species switched. And Twilight already said that maintaining a spell like that was difficult.”

“…Maybe we should just tell folks what’s happening. I’m sure some of them will understand.”

While it was true that hearing them call me a mare all the time was irritating, I doubted the sincerity of such a proposal. I could almost guarantee that people would be very much not understanding of the situation, or that they wouldn’t extend the effort to make me comfortable.

“This is my fault,” I sighed, “Throwing a tantrum…”

“Now don’t go blaming yourself about nothing mister! I can’t say I know what you’re feeling, but I can tell that it’s serious.”

“Applejack is right. If there’s anything I’ve learnt since I moved here to Ponyville, it is that feelings are important. If somebody isn’t feeling good, it’s important to be helpful instead of doubtful.”

“I know you’re doing a lot for me Twilight. Sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. But if it makes you feel better, I accept your apology.”

I looked out of the window onto the farm. Lying in bed wasn’t doing me any good really, it was just making me focus inwards more. The entire reason I’d dedicated myself to the farm work was to distract myself. In a sense nothing had changed, nothing at all. I was the exact same kind of fuck up that I was back home. I buried myself in work to hide away from the things that hurt me.

And my ass hurt. That too was something to worry about. So before I earned myself some bedsores, I made a resolution to get up out of bed. So I did. Applejack and Twilight smiled. “I’m not going to give up Gerry. In fact, I’m contacting some other magic experts to get their opinion too.”

Applejack thought over her words for a moment. “I think we should tell the whole family Gerry. It’s not healthy for you to keep this between us.”

“About the gender thing?”

“No dummy, the human thing!”

“Don’t we need to keep it a secret?”

“I don’t think we ever said that…” Twilight murmured. “But I’m sure that they’ll respect your privacy if you do tell them.”

A family of ponies who dedicate themselves to the craft of honesty. Keeping a secret? Maybe hell would freeze over in the process. I couldn’t deny that it sounded nice to have more than two ponies who understood why I was acting so strange though.

“Fine, but I want to tell them. In my own time.”

Applejack tipped her hat, “Well alright, no big reveal party then.”

Twilight shuddered, “I hope Pinkie didn’t hear that.”