Though the walk back to Horus’s motel had been short, the rain felt now like it was past telling me to give up, instead almost trying to nail me to the ground with it’s volume. My headache peaked as my telekinesis opened the door, Caltrop and I slipped into the dry office as the smell of fresh radigator stew filled my nose. I didn’t even bother to stop the chime of the annoying bell hanging from the door, instead hoping that it would in fact trick Horus into thinking it wasn’t me who’d arrived.

It worked.

“Hello hello!” His voice came down the hallway jubilantly, his quick steps sounded lightly on the dusty carpeting. “Welcome to… oh, it’s you.” His facade dropped as he deadpanned. “Still amongst the land of the living, I see.”

“Can it, Horus. I need you to refund the rest of the month I paid for.” I tilted my head down, running a line of water down my hat and onto the floor. His expression fell to a frown as he watched me soak his carpet.

“Whoa, no can do. Sorry miss Cap, but Big Shot's orders. Being banned means I can't do any transactions with you while inside the city.” He was faking his remorse, and he'd been listening in on my meeting. I bet he was busting up laughing on the inside, enjoying the hell out of the fact I had been kicked out.

“So let's step outside the city and we'll get it done.” I gestured back toward the door, wincing as my hoof didn’t want to turn the right way with the bandages on.

“And leave the place open to looters? I think not!” He puffed up, pretending to be offended. The one real thing I saw him do was glance at Caltrop a few times, probably unsure of just what he was doing here. “Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, ya got a bathroom around here?” He smiled and stopped fidgeting about.

“Yeah, down the hall and on your left.” Horus sighed, pointing a tallon back as he flapped his wings, hovering up in the hallway to let Caltrop pass. He watched as Caltrop entered the bathroom before hovering to the front desk, setting down with a grunt. But now that Caltrop was away...

“An here I thought you were my friend.” I pouted, giving him the saddest eyes I could muster. Caltrop would have made a scene if he heard me use that word, and I don’t need a bigger headache than I’ve got. If Horus was allowed to fake his responses like this is a game, maybe he’ll give in if I play along.

Instead, I got him running his tallon down his face as he shook his head.

“Miss Cap, you don't have friends. Speaking of, who's the chump following you around?” He was trying to change the subject.

“He’s nopony.” I grumbled, glancing back to the hallway. Sure is a long time to take in the bathroom for somepony who went three times in the last two hours. There is something seriously wrong with how that stallion thinks.

“Nah, he's too comfortable around you to be nopony.” Horus squinted, furrowing his brow as he thought hard about it. I went to respond, but found a tallon being waved around in front of my muzzle. “No no no, I want to guess. Hmmm, you're here because you’re broke, so not a merc. Too young to be an uncle, so I'm going to have to say he's that brother you're always going on about.”

“I don't have a brother.” I put my hoof on his desk and canted my head. “When the fuck have I ever told you anything about my family?”

“It was a shot in the dark. You never said you didn't have a brother.” He gave me a sly smile, showing me that he was enjoying our little back and forth. As great as it was to be talking for a change instead of getting shot or blown up, this wasn’t getting anything done. “Besides, I don't listen to any of the crap that comes out of your muzzle anyway.”

“Fuck off Horus, just refund me my FUCKING rent.” I raised my voice, slamming my other hoof down onto the desk. I ground my teeth as the fracture in my leg spiked with pain. It seems that in my anger I had forgotten which leg to hit with.

“I already told you, I can't. Best I can do is give you three weeks of credit when you get unbanned.” He sat down and pulled a sheet of paper out from a desk drawer. “I probably shouldn’t even be doing this, but technically this isn’t a transaction, seeing as nothing is being traded.” Seeing as that at least didn’t lose me more money, that would have to do.

“Did ya get the refund, Boss?” Caltrop came trotting back into the office, wearing a wide grin on his face. All he had to do was be quiet for thirty more seconds, and we could have gotten out of here scot free. But instead, he had to go and ruin that by giving Horus fuel for his ‘make PC’s life a living hell’ fire.

“Just, sit there and be quiet, Caltrop.” I shot back reflexively, my agitation toward him keeping me distracted just enough to where now I slipped up.

“Hold onto your hats everypony, Tartarus just froze over!” Horus chuckled as his grin looked as if it were about to stretch around his head. “Turns out he is somepony then. And since you didn't refer to him as 'asshole', you must really lov...!” I didn’t care how much it burned, this was worth it. I clicked open the holster for #5, the sound of the hammer drawing back silenced the griffin mid sentence.

“Finish that sentence, and I'll make sure you never open your beak again.” I watched as he nodded once nervously, stiffening up as I poked the barrel of #5 under his beak. “I hear that wonderglue sets remarkably fast. I'm sure that could make your day a lot worse than mine has been.”

“Pleasure doing business with you, Miss Cap.” He whined as I lowered the gun, returning it to it’s snug holster. “Nice to meet you… Mr. Cap.” He tried to hold his snicker back, but it just came out through his nose. My temper flared as I lunged at him, only being stopped by Caltrop as he wrapped his forehooves under my shoulders. I flailed my hooves and growled at the griffin as I was pulled out of the office, making sure to slam the door with my magic when we were clear of it.

“Geez, Boss. It was just a joke!” He released my hooves, letting me drop forward onto them with a splash into the mud.

“I know, it’s just not the time for jokes.” My semi-dry self was back to it’s soaked state in the meer seconds we had been outside, weighing down my mood as well as we started to walk again. “Let’s just get out of here. The sooner we get to Baltimare, the sooner I can find some work.”

Being banned meant that even though Baltimare was to the south, and it would have been only an hours walk to just cut through the city, we had to leave through the north gateway and walk all the way around. Even with that having added more time to our journey, there were two things I am grateful for in the last hour. One, is that the rain had tapered off to a fine drizzle. Two, is that Caltrop hadn’t said a thing since we left.

“So, Boss. Ya say ya mother lives in Baltimare?” And we’re back down to one thing again. “What, ya think she can help ya or somethin?”

“As much as it pains me to go to her like this, she may have a job I can take.” I already hated having to go home, but to go back and beg for work? I would rather choose to do another contract for the safe return of a living pony, than to work for Mom.

“Somethin tells me ya don’t seem ta like ya motha very much.” It was like his voice was getting sharper every time he spoke, jabbing my mind deeper and deeper in annoyance.

“Great work there. I need to make a note of your remarkable observation skills. Caltrop: Master of the obvious.” I grumbled, stepping over an old log that was laying in the middle of the road. There weren’t even any tree’s around, how the fuck did that get there? In the back of my mind, there was a little unicorn shouting something to me, but I just shrugged it off and kept walking.

“It was just a question, Boss. No need ta be so mean about it.” Which was true, he was pretty ignorant for a wastelander. I mean, who the fuck thinks that friends will just magically make their lives better around here? That bullshit line of thinking died with Equestria nearly two centuries ago. “Actually, boss? Can we stop for a minute, I gotta pee.”

“What? You just went to the bathroom an hour ago!” I turned to him with a look of disbelief. Seriously, if this is how it’s going to be all the way home, I might as well just shoot him now.

“No I didn’t! I just used that as an excuse ta get ya rent back.” He produced the small container of caps I had given to Horus from his saddle bag. Yup. Just going to kill him now.

“YOU MORON!” I stamped my hoof, feeling a firm snap under it. I looked down to see the muddy bones of a long dead earth pony, which was an odd sight, because you never see old bones in the road. My mind reminded me that one of the only exceptions to that was somepony waiting in ambush could have wanted to use it as a signal!

The report of a single gunshot rang out as I felt the round impact my bare chest, sucking the wind out of me and sending me to the muddy ground. Caltrop screamed something and hooked his forelegs around mine, dragging me off the street and behind one of the boulders that lay half buried alongside the road. I gasped loudly as I regained control of my lungs, looking down at my chest to see how badly I was hurt.

The black and blue welt about the size of my hoof was the only issue with me. Immediately, I knew what had just happened.

“PC! Oh, goddess don’t ya die on me!” He was shaking so badly that he was having trouble standing. Funny. He nearly gets killed by mines this morning and my first action is to use the most expensive medicine I have on him. I nearly die and all he can do is freak the fuck out? The least he can do if he thinks I’m his friend, is to get out some bandages.

If bandages are what friends get, what would a hydra classify him as? You know what brain? I’m going to drown you in alcohol when I get home, and we’ll see if you keep pointing shit like that out when I sober up.

“Caltrop, I’m fine. It was a rubber bullet, that’s all.” I grunted as I propped myself up against the rock behind me and levitated a cigarette out, tilting my hat up and using my horn to light it. “YOU GOT ME GRANDMA, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!” I leaned my head against the rock, taking a long drag off the stick.

“Gramma? Why would ya Gramma shoot ya with a rubber bullet?” He scratched the back of his head, stopping when he realized he was just matting his mane down with mud. You know what, I think I’ll pass on the alcohol when I get home, lest I end up as smart as he is. My ears perked and swiveled as I heard the soft hoofsteps in the mud, barely distinguishable over the light drizzle.

“Because, my Granddaughter should have known better!” Her voice pierced the air with it’s sharp tone. I hated that tone for the reason that for being so harsh, it shouldn’t be able to bring the full might of her ego to bear down with whatever she scolded me for. She walked around the rock and into view, her emerald eyes glaring at me in the way only a family member could show their disapproval. “I mean look at you all bandaged up. Did I not say this exact shit would happen if you worked for slavers?”

“She’s ya Grandmotha!? But… she looks smoken hot for being old!” Caltrop blurted out, quickly finding my Grandmother’s rifle pressed into his muzzle, her piercing gaze now bearing down in agitation on him. His legs resumed shaking as she put on a nervous smile. “I uhhh, nice weatha we’re havin, isn’t it?”

“Where the hell did you find this sad excuse for a stallion?” She asked, lowering the rifle and removing her hoof from the action. How earth ponies managed to use hoof fired weapons was WAY beyond me, not to mention with an action like that, you can only use one gun at a time! Magic was so much better, seeing as I could use #1-6 all at once if I really wanted too.

“Look, Grandma, it’s nice to see you are still deftly avoiding retirement by looking into my life and finding new excuses to shoot me, but I can’t sit around and chat.” I took another draw off my cigarette, pulling myself to my hooves. “I’m heading home for a while. If you ever decide to stop by, maybe, just MAYBE, will I feel good enough to talk then.”

“Miss Percussion Mercury Cap, I will not have you fucking speak to me in that tone of voice.” She raised the rifle to me again and worked the action, the spent casing from her previous shot flicked out and bounced off Caltrops muzzle. “You will show me some fucking respect by sitting your flank down and answering my goddess damned question.”

I briefly entertained ideas of how to get out of this, shortly coming to the conclusion that any attempt would get me shot again. I was about to take another puff from my smoke when she waved her forehoof at me, knocking it from my muzzle and into the mud.

“Look, you want to know? Fine. Caltrop the wonder-dolt here, screwed up my last contract. He screwed it so badly in fact, that now I’ve been restricted from taking contracts in Filly, and can no longer enter the city until I pay back the large sum of caps I owe!” I pushed myself past her, turning back along the road toward Baltimare.

“Geez Boss, ya don’t have ta be so mean all the time.” He actually sounded sad. Seriously, what is with this guy? I heard their hoofsteps following behind me, the soft squishes seemed exceptionally annoying to me for some reason.

“Yeah, PC, go easy on him.” Storm spoke up in a move that almost made me trip up as I walked. “You remember, the first real friend I made was a pony who screwed up my contract, though, to be fair he was the contract, so it was make friends or get killed.” She chuckled as she walked, making me hope that she would turn around any moment and leave me to walk in quiet. “He was even a unicorn. Funny how sometimes the universe just sets these things up to where history repeats itself.”

“Yeah, doubtful.” I rolled my eyes and looked back to the pair, seeing that Caltrop was busy eyeing Storm’s flank. If I knew Gramma would have seen him, I’m sure she would have been alright had I shot him then and there, but alas, she was busy smiling and daydreaming of her adventures again. “So why are you in Filly? I thought you didn’t take contracts from slavers.” She gave me a long sigh as she thought about my question.

“I wasn’t working. In fact, I came to see an old friend. Was trying to keep him from doing something stupid, but he seems dead set on it.” She grumbled and now mirrored how I most likely looked. Well, minus the bandages and stallion shaped child leashed too her. “So I too am heading for your mothers, though, most likely not for long. You know how Baltimare makes me feel.”

“Yeah yeah, you told me a million times before.” If the rain can make my body feel nothing, maybe if it continues, it will make my brain numb as well. Once again, just as if to spite me, the drizzle tapered off, leaving the sticky feeling of my soaked jacket and hat preparing to dry out.

“Well it seems to me that you are having a bit of a hard time remembering things I tell you recently. Do we have to go over the basics of spotting a potential ambush again?” Storm shook herself, rousing a whine from Caltrop as he got mildly wetter than the soaked he already was. “Whoa there PC, just a minute.”

“Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you two having to stop all the time?” I moaned and sat down in the mud with a squish.

“Ok, look Call Drop. We have to talk.” She stepped up to him with a devious smile, making Caltrop cringe as she hooked a hoof around his neck and pulled him next to her.

“It’s Caltrop, Ma’am…” At the very least, this interruption was worth it to see Caltrop look twice as terrified as he was whenever I threatened him earlier.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’m going to give you some advice that may help you in your day to day life.” She prodded him in the chest, eliciting a quick flinch and wince from his body. Why is it that this is making me hungry for some hot popcorn? Regardless, this was too good to miss. “First off, you might want to look into growing some balls. I’ve removed my fair share from stallions, and I can’t seem to find yours.” She used her tail like a whip, snapping it behind him to make him jump, which he did with a whine. “Secondly, if I catch you looking at my flank again, I’ll kick you so hard in yours, that you might just grow those mare bit’s you keep acting like you already have.”

And that is how my Grandma secures her place among the badasses of the wasteland, though, it’s still a mystery to me how she knew he was watching. Then again, she’s always seemed to know when anyone was. Goddesses, I wish I had a sixth sense for detecting assholes BEFORE they found me. Maybe then the last week wouldn’t have fucking happened. “But don’t you think that she was a bit harsh on him? You weren’t even that harsh.” And for once, I can agree with my conscience!

“The fuck, Grandma!? Didn’t you just tell me not to be so harsh on him?” I smirked like an asshole, watching as it irritated Storm to no end. See, now the tide had turned, and it was her that just waltzed right into the proverbial ambush. “Sounds like you aren’t even listening to what you…”

I shouldn’t have said that.

Another gunshot cut me off, and another bruise appeared next to the first. I couldn’t control my breathing while I flopped into the mud, the thought in my mind that it had been a good idea went and hid somewhere I couldn’t hunt it down and rip it to shreds. Finally, with a great gasp, my lungs filled with air and I groaned out from the pain coursing through my ribs.

“Watch your language young lady!” She called out arrogantly as she stepped over me. “Come on Cow Top, we still have a long way to go.” I eyed Caltrop as he walked up, holding his hoof out with a less forced smile than before. It was so reassuring to me that with Storm around, she was the Alpha in the group. Only because there’s nothing like your Grandmother laying the smackdown on you to cement in your subordinates mind, that you are just as fucking useless and weak as they are.

This was going to be a long trip home.

It was just my luck that with Storm traveling with us, every asshole in the wasteland decided to descend upon us at once. Not a group cropping up here or there every hour or so, or a steady stream of them. All of them had surrounded us when we were about to set up camp in a ruined convenience store. I had in fact suggested that we bunker down somewhere like, oh I don’t know, the ACTUAL bunker we passed on the way into this pre-war, backwater rest stop.

The faded mural on the back wall had once shown a family of smiling ponies having a picnic in some meadow, a large spread of different foods were laid out in front of them as they ate without the knowledge that the world came to an end. What smug assholes they had been to enjoy their lives before sending the rest of us into the pit of hell that is the wasteland. The band of raiders outside let out another volley of machine gun fire, their poor accuracy literally removing the smiles from the ponies on the mural. Still doesn’t make up for giving us the wasteland, but it’s a fucking start.

“Why am I gluein these on again!” Caltrop was busy reinforcing the back of the counter we took cover behind with the assorted clipboards that had been on display there since the war. Not to say that it was a good question, but I’m sure that this wasn’t the time for arts and crafts. Caltrop was anything but a slow worker though, actually having managed to get most of the counter covered in the muted brown things.

“Trust me! These things are bulletproof!” Storm shouted, looking to me and waving her hoof as the signal. I levitated #3 up over the barrier and fired again and again, emptying the mag before pulling it back down. As I did so, she twisted herself and stood up, moving her rifle from right to left, working the action faster than I could ever think a pony could. I had seen her use S.A.T.S. a few times before, but it still amazed me everytime with how that small accessory could change the tide of a battle in an instant.

I used my magic to grab at another mag for #3, only to come up empty. Well, shit. I’ve only got 9 rounds left for #5, and 2 shells left for #6. #1 and #2 won’t be too useful here either, and of course, I ran out of rounds for #4 in the fight at the clinic. If only my life hadn’t screwed me by kicking me out of the only town around that I could buy ammo at!

Another wave of random fire came in through the entrance, shredding a few of the old shelving units a few feet from us. I growled and yanked #5 out of it’s holster, raising it up and firing the last 3 rounds in the cylinder. As I brought it back down to reload, Storm popped back up and fired with S.A.T.S. again, hopefully dropping a few more of the assholes and getting us one step closer to getting out of this death trap.

“RELOADING!” She shouted, dropping back down below the counter as she hoofed a long plastic reloading strip from her saddlebags. I cringed as her voice reverberated in the room, that call normally meant to tell me to give her covering fire. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to call it out, and had left us completely exposed. Storm looked at me with a look of disappointment as we both hurried ourselves to finish.

The sound of hooves galloping through the doorway signaled that we were out of time, punctuated by just about the largest Stallion I’d ever seen leap over the counter, dropping down to the floor only inches from Caltrop’s cowering form. I deftly whipped #6 out of it’s holster, firing it as my spin brought it in line with the raider and struck him square in the shoulder. He roared in pain and bucked out, kicking the shotgun from my levitation hard enough that it looked like it knocked Caltrop out cold.

Storm fired again and again at the raiders outside as I pulled #1 out from it’s place, rolling myself to the side to avoid another of his ridiculously strong bucks. I barely missed it, watching as his hoof punched one of the clipboards through the counter. I fired both of the .45 shots from my deringer, hitting him twice in the ribs. Just go down like every other asshole! He reared up and screamed again, curling his ridiculously muscled forehooves for a strike I wouldn’t be able to avoid.

BLAM!

The report of #6 going off right next to me startled me, the shot punching through the soft bits of the Stallions neck and muzzle, dropping him to the floor with a thud. I looked down as Caltrop spit the sawed off out of his muzzle, whining and rubbing his neck with both his forehooves. How he got the extra shell was a mystery to me, maybe it was his thieving hooves actually coming in handy, but I was too shocked that he had saved me to care. Reality came knocking when I heard the wind whistle through the fresh holes in the walls around us.

“Oh, I see you finally took care of him. Here I was thinking you were actually having a tough time fighting more than just some moron overdosing on Buck and Med-X.” Storm set her rifle down, and walked past me as I was too furious to do anything. If I didn’t hold myself completely still, I couldn’t be held accountable for what I would attempt to do to her. She kicked him and shrugged. “I guess he was kinda big. Still, you could have spent half as much time playing around with him instead of letting me get most of the kills out there.”

There are just no words for how much I wanted this week to be over.

“So then! PC, see what you can scavenge from the dead out there. My E.F.S. says it’s clear, so you needn’t worry about more visitors. Meanwhile…” She hoisted up a leaking bag of flour that had sat happily on the shelf for two centuries before today. “I think I’m going to make us some dinner with this, as my own mother taught me how to make great pancakes with scavenged goods. Hey, Car Mop, see if you can’t find me some powdered milk over there.”

“It’s… CALTROP.” He growled as he got up. I’m not sure if his stupidity spawned from the fact that saving me gave him an ego boost, or that he took her advice and actually grew a pair, but regardless, this wasn’t going to end well for him.

“Oh, I know that dear. But you see, you’ve confused me with a pony who actually cares.” She smiled her widest, giving him her best murder eyes as he froze where he stood. “Now, about that powdered milk?” I had never seen Caltrop mad like this, it was so hard to keep a straight face.

“Boss, ya Grandmotha’s a dick.” He muttered to me under his breath as he crossed the store, stopping next to the door where the powdered milk supposedly was.

“At least she has one.” I jested as I trot out the door past him, receiving a sour smelling cloud expanding from around my head when Caltrop threw one of the containers at me. He may not be the shining example of a stallion as the hulk was back there, but there is at least hope for him yet. With a little work, and probably more than a bit of polish, Caltrop might shape up to be something that could maybe pass as a decent employee.

One day. Maybe.

Author's Notes:

(Sorry about the copy-paste thanks section, but I wanted them to be simple, and I've put 4,5,6 up all at the same time, so it made sense to me.)

Thanks to Kkat, Somber, Mimezinga, No_One, Stonershy, John Colt, Hetnu, Xjuan, Sawyer, Vocal, Tinker, and Bad Pun for their inspiration and support in the writing of this fic!

Shout out to Regolit, Deathpony, and Retl for their feedback! I really do love to hear what you all think!