I would apologize but that would mean I actually gave a crap. I decided to let you have another chance in my mind. This time I won't rush you to explore the sadness that I will be allowing you to see. I have decided to take my time and let my pain flow through your eyes. You will see it all, so let's start over.

This isn't going to be a brighter look at the dark reality that had been set for me, instead I shall organize my thoughts so you can better appreciate the melancholic view of a world that belongs in some drug induced fantasy. Now let us begin again and re enter my mind so I can share my pain with you. This will be the last time I allow anyone in, so please take your time and don't look back.

My birth was a normal one, and since it wasn't tragic, since my mother didn't die at birth, so I won't bore you with details. My filly-hood was rough. I had a father who didn't approve of my lifestyle and my mother who was sick most of the time. He didn't enjoy the fact I always hung out with a filly instead of spending some time with colts. He was worried I would end up a filly-fooler. I did end up one because of the slight fact that I was born one. Still he felt it was his right to be disgusted with me for it.

Anyways I always used to hang with shy because well. She needed me. I needed her too but just for the attention and feeling I got when rescuing her. It was a rush. I enjoyed that feeling more than anything because I knew she would be grateful. She was grateful, very grateful indeed. See when I was younger I had only one pony who ever got intimately close or able to see how real my sadness was. She was the one who made it all go away... for a while.

Let's skip through my filly-hood and move on to when my mother died. She died just as I got my cutie mark. I bet you didn't see that coming did you? No you didn't you expected it would be when I was younger or older just because it was supposed to be my shining day. Yeah, life sucks and that is just how it rolls.

Well nothing more to say about it besides my father becoming a drunkard and abusing me. Why not right? it must have been my fault for not liking colts. So that is how my days would go. I would spend time with Shy protecting her from the onslaught of bullies and then get beaten by my dad. Stop here if you can't take it. This is just the start of a huge storm of sadness.

Turns out Shy's parents were just as bad as mine so we took care of each other. She would keep me warm and safe from the sadness while I kept her warm and safe from the tangible stuff. You see while we had one another it was the best moments in our life. Then I met Gilda...

Sure it was my fault I decided to follow her around more, and neglect shy but whatever you know? You can't judge me for that. I was in a dark place at the time. My father was getting worse each day. He was out usually by nine from drinking so much. His health had declined as a result of the abuse of alcohol. He wasn't ashamed of how he died either.

He told me the day he died "I rather die a thousand times being straight than be a filly-fooler like you. You aren't my daughter just my regret." That was fun to hear. Just as he passed on I could feel his hatred of me flow into my body. I didn't stick around long though.

Flight school got real old ,real fast, and Shy was well... kind of needy of my protection. Cloudsdale would have ate her up and spit her out before they gave a shit about one useless pegasus. She and I just left.

So there we started our life in Ponyville. That is where the real madness begins.

Well life was getting easier for Shy, she and I met friends but she was always with those disgusting animals. Who knows how sick she was getting when dealing with animals all day and night. She seemed happy but not me. I still had dreams and ideas.

We split as friends as I decided I was a solo act. I met some great ponies and we just hung out. Applejack was cool. Still what I said before still I meant. She is wasting her time on that stupid farm. She could be so much more than some hick farmer in some back water town. It was saddening to think she enjoyed her slave labor as much as she did. Which is why expressed my dislike of her. I mean how can she want to stay in this farm when she has so much she would be useful for. She can bake the finest apple treats in the world. Still she spends all day working for barely any gross. Gross means something different to adults than it does to foals.

Like I said when Twilight came into town things changed. Of course it was years after I arrived but still time skipping is better than me just telling you how bored I got being in Ponyville as a weather pony.

Twilight had shown up and changed lives. We all thought " oh wow a new friend" and we were right. Except she spent most of her time reading books and doing nerdy shit. Yeah well I still stand by my words. Being the princess of friendship is pointless. How is that anything to govern? It isn't some land or nation it's a stasis of two people being emotionally connected. Oh my I sound nerdy. Right? I forgot I am the stupid jock.

Even though flying takes as much brain power, as it does muscle and a lean body. I mean I am only the best flier in all Equestria. Still that doesn't amount to jack diddly if I am not chosen to be something other than what my cutie mark tells me to be. I earned it by racing but some how it got equated to being the best weather pony. Logic and reality bucked up there.

Still the Wonderbolts. They were the coolest thing to me. Were being the key word. They lost their flair over time when I started becoming better than they ever could be. Doing Sonic Rainbooms, as I please, puts things into perspective. I mean I can master flight and speed what else do I need, to be in a group who can barely rescue a falling unicorn?

If you are confused as to what I am rambling about now think on when you first entered my mind. The incoherent jumbled thoughts are now being formed into more of a structured one. I am trying to let you see how the order of thoughts would be if I was a more stable minded pony.

I still remember the day when I was betrayed. Still can't let it go, I mean I still won't allow the thoughts to be banished from my mind no matter how they pain me. Each of my friend felt it was the right thing to do. When faced with back stabbing what do you do? I pretended it didn't hurt but seriously... how could they not feel the hurt I would have let out if I wasn't always putting that facade up?

I don't like being emotional, sappy mushy, bah those things are for foals. I need no emotions for they just serve to ruin things. For example, Pinkie Pie... when she is happy her hair is puffy and out. When she is in a deep state of depression she loses her mind and her hair deflates. She doesn't need anything but a smile to be happy.

As I stated before all my friends are losers. Yes they really are. I could tell you why but you already know.

They are all mares but act like fillies. The level of maturity in the group is vastly over shadowed by the amount of ignorance.

Twilight is supposed to be the smart one. She talks educated and yet is completely oblivious to minute details. Minute... that word spelled the same as a unit of time and yet means something so different. Words are stupid too.

Sometimes words can get ponies into trouble. Actions are more evolved than words. We can say more with our bodies than with our tongue's. Deep thoughts like these are for smarter ponies.

I am not a smarter pony but I am not a brainless one.

So in the end my brain still is the same. I try to organize my thoughts but how can I when things didn't come to me as they happened I took time to think about things when I had time to. The last thought when I left off before was I was going to fly away and never return. I am truly thinking that still.

Scootaloo was easily able to forget me when Mare Do Well had her spotlight. So why should I feel bad for abandoning her? She was able to abandon me when I needed a friend. I attacked Mare Do Well in public that is how bucked up I was. I never thought in my life Scootaloo of all ponies would have... I mean... why did she just up and leave me when every pony else did?

Was I really that useless to them all? I haven't became anything greater now so that leaves me to think if I was useless then I am useless now.

I can't do this anymore...I can't share my mind with you... I am sorry I tried. Leave now. I won't let you back in but hopefully you understand more of how I truly feel in this ridiculous world. I feel trapped... and I want to be set free.

There we are done... My mind is now closed to you forever. After taking this trip with you though I realized something. I have something I need to do. I will probably see you around if all goes well.

Here I am at her door. I came back to Ponyville just to talk to her before I go. I figure why not?

She opens the door and sees me, not just looks at me she can see me. She cries and pulls me into a hug.

I haven't said a word to her and already she can tell what's wrong. I hate myself for being this vulnerable but then she says something that makes things just a little less bleak.

I hear a "I will protect you now," and I lose it. I start with the tears and I can't stop.

I guess all I needed was someone to care about me. I have that... one actual friend.

In a world where friendship is magic, I think having a friend might just be worth sticking around for.

My life isn't going to be fixed by a hug or some words. I just think this might be the start I need to not live with an empty head. Maybe I can still make something of myself.

Now I have to close the door as we are going to talk about everything... I am going to let her know everything and hope... hope that there is a reason for me to stay.... a reason for me to live.